Comments

• SMARTALIENQT (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Eleven)

  This chapter (especially considering the murder of the sorcerer and the human sacrifice) only strengthens my belief that Tesch is a religious homeschooler who has never been to public school, and thus has a heavily skewed version of the world. Which is unfortunate, because she might have written something worthwhile if she had been taught to read at an age-appropriate level and was exposed to people who didn’t worship the ground she walks on. I’m just going to keep telling myself that.

• Chey (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Eleven)

  I do believe I’m going to start using “best thing since roasted bread” as my new catchphase. xDD

• Licht (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Eleven)

  Rest in peace Fluffy. May you be happy in cuddly toy heaven. You were the only likeable character in the whole series.

• falconempress (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Eleven)

  Remember. Fluffy died for your sins. And it was not a dream, nor was it a fantasy. It was real.

• Faisal (Eragon & Eldest: A Star Wars Plot Recap)

  Actually, such similarities come by accident and the writers should not be blamed for it. Even if it is a recap of an earlier story, it still bears an unique beauty that every story does. It took all the effort of the writer to bring the plot together and that’s creativity in itself. Besides, you can’t help it if your own ideas has been occupied by someone before you. Paolini might have had the idea before he read Star Wars!

• RikkiTikkiTavi (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Eleven)

  Ugh, can she just turn into a meme and then flicker out of existence? Fluffy the teddy bear…and Joey continues his trend of fabulously creative names. Props to you, Kawnliee.

• theArmourer (Twilight & Philosophy: Chapters 6 & 7)

  Quite.

• Nate Winchester (Twilight & Philosophy: Chapters 6 & 7)

  Swenson, I think printing out just half the articles on this site would fill that requirement.

• swenson (Twilight & Philosophy: Chapters 6 & 7)

  It’s about Twilight! At least it’s faithful to its source. …good point. I’m not entirely certain why I was expecting more of it. We should write our own Twilight & Philosophy book… specifically why Twilight’s philosophy fails hard.

• theArmourer (Twilight & Philosophy: Chapters 6 & 7)

  But… here’s where we find ourselves again running into the elephant in the room: Meyer’s religion. (Yes later in this chapter they’ll bring up God and souls but in a very generic way and not related to this point.) Here we find that Meyer’s religious views give us a fuller picture. While I’m not up on all of LDS theology, I’m pretty sure that – like other Christians – they believe in redemption. Now what is the moral position of Edward’s vigilantism? To a Christian, even if he encounters a confirmed, 100% guilty party, killing them ruins the opportunity for …

• Nate Winchester (Twilight & Philosophy: Chapters 6 & 7)

  Edward may be infallible in judging whether someone is guilty or innocent, but he is not necessarily infallible in judging what appropriate punishment is. Ah, but you’ve made a fatal flaw: Ed’s a Gary Stu. In Meyer’s world, he is always infallible in all things. XD The logic in this book is awful! It’s about Twilight! At least it’s faithful to its source.

• swenson (Twilight & Philosophy: Chapters 6 & 7)

  Of course, there’s a much better reason why vigilantism is wrong: because it puts the judgment of people in the hands of one person. Edward may be infallible in judging whether someone is guilty or innocent, but he is not necessarily infallible in judging what appropriate punishment is. While it is true that in real life (or at least real-world America) one man (a judge) decides the punishment for a convicted person, there are also possibilities for appeals or for punishments less than death. At the very least, judges are within a system with oversight. At the same time, most governments …

• Det (Twilight & Philosophy: Chapters 6 & 7)

  I think Edward’s vigilantism would have been a lot more morally iffy (and interesting) if he could only tell what someone was thinking at any given moment, as Meyer claims, rather than being able to somehow assess someone’s entire character, which is what we actually see Edward do in the books. For example, I’ve been known to have “Kill, maim, destroy, grrr,” type thoughts after, say, a particularly intense session of Assassin’s Creed, or while I’m stuck waiting for a bus in the freezing rain, or whatever. I’ve also been known to have the “I want to help” and the …

• Jeni (Twilight & Philosophy: Chapters 6 & 7)

  :3 It’s mostly just daydreaming. And then I get distracted by mentally choreographing fight scenes for wherever I’m sitting. I spend a lot of time in my mind.

• Rayquazakid (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Eleven)

  That was the worst Deus Ex Machina ever. Period.

• Nate Winchester (Twilight & Philosophy: Chapters 6 & 7)

  The character was very interesting — tempted by a woman, and in the moment of giving in to the temptation, she turned him into a vampire. Ever after he fought crime in atonement for his sin, always wearing a small cross on his chest that kept him in constant pain and reminded him of his failing. Now that you mentioned the cross detail, I feel like I’ve heard it before. Also, from John C Wright I have learned that someone apparently wrote a story before about a telepath detective. Actually, that’s what I love to do. Although I thoroughly enjoyed the …

• Jeni (Twilight & Philosophy: Chapters 6 & 7)

  Heck, the very concept of a judicial system trying to adapt to something like this (even say, just general telepaths like the XMen) would make for an engaging novel. I dream about that. Actually, that’s what I love to do. Although I thoroughly enjoyed the film Sky High, I also like thinking about how I would have changed it so that it approached some very real underlying issues.

• Nate Winchester (Twilight & Philosophy: Chapters 6 & 7)

  However, despite Edward being able to read minds and be 100%, that still doesn’t necessarily give him the right to dispense justice. See Jeni, if we could do better essays than this book. Heck, the very concept of a judicial system trying to adapt to something like this (even say, just general telepaths like the XMen) would make for an engaging novel. Likewise with Edward, he has no moral authority because he hasn’t been elected, or democratically put in a position to administer justice. To act such is to rule under fear. He is the only one to know he wouldn’t …

• Asahel (Twilight & Philosophy: Chapters 6 & 7)

  (hmmm… a vampire priest… whoever uses this idea, I just ask for a little acknowledgment in your best seller) Actually, been done. Apparently a lot. I remember seeing this in a graphic novel, but I couldn’t remember the title for the life of me. An internet search turned up far more vampire priests than I expected. The character was very interesting — tempted by a woman, and in the moment of giving in to the temptation, she turned him into a vampire. Ever after he fought crime in atonement for his sin, always wearing a small cross on his chest that kept …

• sakuuya (Twilight & Philosophy: Chapters 6 & 7)

  Aw, c’mon! You can’t come back from a long hiatus with two relatively sane chapters, only to tease us with such a terriblarious-sounding chapter title!

• Jeni (Twilight & Philosophy: Chapters 6 & 7)

  Interesting essay, but I think you missed out on something concerning Edward’s lack of vigilantism. If anything he’ll probably have a greater success rate than most courts. Upon reflection, Edward being a vigilante is not morally dubious. In the, admittedly brief, paragraph, you assume that the only argument against vigilantism is infallibility. However, despite Edward being able to read minds and be 100%, that still doesn’t necessarily give him the right to dispense justice. For example, Eragon and Sloan in Brisingr. One reason that Sloan is one of my favourite characters is that he calls out on Eragon’s right to be judge and …

• TakuGifian (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Eleven)

  I finally managed to read this entirely. Di- Dion- Dionysis? cries O Maenads, O Bacchants, come forth and strike this… this blasphemy from the earth! …Actually, it might be a bit late to call the blasphemy line, considering the number of gods and demigods whose names have been forever tarnished by the taint of Ms. Tesch’s imagination.

• fffan (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Eleven)

  I quickly ran through my checklist of scenarios where it’s appropriate to refer to a black character as a monkey. This book isn’t on it. Reminds me of a certain SATW comic.

• TakuGifian (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Eleven)

  For some reason, I couldn’t read past “kitchen grill”. Now I’m imagining an army of plastic toy soldiers arranged on a bench around a George Foreman Grill. This just keeps getting worse and worse.

• Talisman (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Eleven)

  Before reading spork: “Roast some bread?” What an odd turn of phrase. After reading spork: [uncontrollable laughter] I have to admit, Gloria Tesch succeeds admirably at topping herself again and again, as well as making people like Paolini, Smeyer and Goodkind look far better than they actually are. Does anyone here read the webcomic Axe Cop? This is like Axe Cop, except where Axe Cop is so crazy and nonsensical it becomes awesome, this becomes brain-hurtingly stupid. Kawnliee, I salute you and the neurons that died so you could write this spork. I certainly lost a few just reading it.

• Spanman (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Eleven)

  Gloria Tesch must be living in her own little world of unicorns that poop butterflies, because no remotely sane person would ever consider this travesty to pass for writing, much less meaningful, mature, and well-researched writing. I’m just speechless. D:

• jbaker475 (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Eleven)

  What is this I can’t I don’t even…. On a separate note, if you’re looking for some Maradonia-related lulz, check this out: link text

• Danielle (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Eleven)

  Forget Fluffy, Destroyer of Worlds—now we have Fluffy, the Sacrifice for Stupidity! That has got to be the dumbest line I’ve ever read.

• swenson (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Eleven)

  Kawnliee, you are a terrible person. Here I am, calmly sitting waiting for my first college class to start, when I say “hey! Let’s check ImpishIdea!” I notice there’s a new Maradonia Spork, so of course I have to go check it out. And now everyone probably thinks I’m a freak because I am trying so very hard not to laugh and am failing massively. :D OK, I take back what I said previously about a previous chapter being the most terrible thing ever. This is just… just… this is… I just don’t know what to say. I just… I don’t know what …

• theArmourer (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Eleven)

  0.o

• falconempress (Ruminating on Antagonists)

  It was on a different site, no worries:)

• jzjbine (The Abstract Bookcase: Jimmy Coates: Killer)

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• Kaikaikat (Ruminating on Antagonists)

  Romantic Vampire Lover: Thank you! Danielle: A good villain can be loads of fun. The Joker is a great example. I admit to not knowing much of him outside of the Dark Knight universe, but he does seem to be villainous to the nth degree—causing chaos for the sake of causing chaos. Snow White Queen: Thank you—I’m glad you found the topic interesting. Not that the sporks haven’t been good reading, but I thought a oneshot writing article might be a nice change. Falconempress: Really? Drat! I read through the tags to make sure I wasn’t stepping on a previous …

• falconempress (Ruminating on Antagonists)

  This is actually the second article centered around the problematiqué of the antagonist, and I have to admit it was the better one. Short, sweet, smart and to the point. Thank you:)

• Snow White Queen (Ruminating on Antagonists)

  This is a great article on an interesting topic. It’s great to see writing articles back on the main site with a lot of discussion following!

• Danielle (Ruminating on Antagonists)

  There is a point where my own personal classifications of things begin to differ with other people’s. This may be an instance of such. My views on morality are extremely grey, so it usually takes quite a bit of effort to get a character branded “villain.” Although under almost any definition you use, the Joker is a villain. He’s pretty much irredeemable, completely unsympathetic, and violates pretty much every moral code there is. Tie a pretty girl to the train tracks, and Joker will douse her in acid before telling the train to speed up. So while I think antagonists …

• RomanticVampireLover (Ruminating on Antagonists)

  Wonderful article; concise and to the point. Very well done. :D

• Kaikaikat (Ruminating on Antagonists)

  Thanks! I’m sure a lot of it is fairly old hash, but if nothing else I hope it provides some food for thought.

• Komedic (Thrown With Great Force: The Amber Spyglass Part 1)

  I wasn’t calling Christians or conservatives “nutjobs,” I was actually defending them by highlighting the hypocricy of supposedly “tolerant” liberals treating that people who don’t share their religious, social, or political views as morally and intellectually inferior. Sorry if I offended anyone.

• Steph (what is left) (Ruminating on Antagonists)

  A good antagonist demands finesse. Even if you do not slip into his perspective, we should get the sense that there is more depth to this person than your protagonist may realize. Couldn’t have said it better myself. I like the points you raise in this article.

• kaikaikat (Ruminating on Antagonists)

  There is a point where my own personal classifications of things begin to differ with other people’s. This may be an instance of such. My views on morality are extremely grey, so it usually takes quite a bit of effort to get a character branded “villain.” For me, a villain is a very small class of ‘antagonist,’ and ‘antagonist’ is a highly “customizable” (to use a rather blunt word) term. An unsympathetic antagonist is not necessarily a villain. For example, I found Doakes to be an unsympathetic antagonist, but not a villain—I understood his motives and reasoning perfectly, and …

• sakuuya (Ruminating on Antagonists)

  I don’t like your redefining of “villain,” because, while it has moral connotations that “antagonist” lacks, saying that “a villain is an antagonist that lacks redeeming qualities” oversimplifies things too much. It’s really the morality thing. “Antagonist,” as a term, just means someone who opposes the protagonist. In the strictest sense, an antagonist is not necessarily a villain, because skilled authors can have “good guys” that disagree with and hamper each other. In the show (and novels, but the show is frankly better) Dexter, James Doakes is an antagonist because he interferes with the protagonist’s activities, but he’s still basically a good …

• Thebazilly (Ruminating on Antagonists)

  The first thing that leapt to my mind at Talisman’s point was William Hamleigh from The Pillars of the Earth. He’s a horrible, vicious antagonist. He commits rape and murder several times through the course of the book, and is generally a detestable bully. But he’s also a viewpoint character, and the reasons for his actions are built up slowly from the beginning. Eventually it gets to the point where you can understand William’s actions perfectly— and yet you still want to wring his neck.

• kaikaikat (Ruminating on Antagonists)

  Talisman: Sympathy is a good word for it. Understanding works as well—some appreciation for the antagonist’s situation. “Reason for actions” is probably not the best term for it. Magneto sounds like a great example (I’m only familiar with him and the X-men universe second hand). It’s a mark of a good story when you can sympathize with a mass-murderer who uses terrorist tactics.

• Talisman (Ruminating on Antagonists)

  Excellent article. On the issue of redeemability, I would argue that a better term is sympathy. A good, well-rounded antagonist, even a Complete Monster, usually as a reason for what they do. In my opinion, the best antagonists are the ones that make you say “Wow, I can see why you’re doing that, but I still have to oppose you.” A good example is Magneto from the X-Men comics. He’s definitely an antagonist (terrorist and mass murderer and orchestrator of any number of supervillain plots), but he’s also sympathetic. He endured terrible brutality in his youth, and his ultimate goal – rights …

• kaikaikat (Ruminating on Antagonists)

  Gary: A complete monster villain could be done well and could be very fitting—it simply depends on the story you’re trying to write. Many stories could only be wounded by having such a character as the main foe, though they can make very good additions to the supporting cast. I think Gregor Clegane is a pretty decent example of this. As for the always-redeemable antagonist, it depends on your personal definition on that point. For me, if I cannot at least see the reasons behind the antagonist’s actions, however twisted, then they become a villain rather than an antagonist. For some …

• Gary (Ruminating on Antagonists)

  This is a great article. In a sense you’ve redefined the terms ‘villain’ and ‘antagonist’. I disagree a little on the redeemability factor. Would antagonists always need to have some sympathetic or redeeming quality? Aren’t there times, when an entirely unredeemable antagonist can actually serve a story better? Complete Monster What do folks here think about this? Can these types of antagonists be written well? How can they be written badly?

• kaikaikat (Ruminating on Antagonists)

  I agree with you on Snape, but I was considering the series as a whole with Voldemort as the main antagonist/villain. Voldemort was not necessarily redeemable, but we were treated to an in-depth examination of his past, his origins, and the chain of events that led him to become the Dark Lord. As I said, good antagonists don’t need to necessarily be redeemable or even remotely good people—we just need to be able to understand them to some extent, or at least have a grasp on why they turned out the way they did. But you’re quite right—Snape is another …

• Dia (Ruminating on Antagonists)

  I actually disagree with you on your mention of Voldemort. I thought that he was a villain and she played him very straight. Out of curiosity, what redeemable qualities did you think that he had? However, if you look at the early on books where Harry is innocent, Snape is closer to the real antagonist. Voldemort is just lurking in the background. Now, HE has some redeemable traits and I would consider him a very well-rounded antagonist. He was working to his own benefit, and you never were quite sure which side he was on. Sometimes it looked like …

• Charlotte (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Ten)

  This is so bad that it’s almost tragic.

• Jacob (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Three)

  Oh my god. She did not just… SHE FUCKING WROTE IN HER OWN JIMINY CRICKET?!

• Kytescall (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Three)

  Nice spork, but one problem: Moles actually do have eyes.

• Steph (what is left) (The Abstract Bookcase: The Raw Shark Texts)

  I love this book. It’s pretty awesome. It’s like kids’ fiction for adults in that it just plays merry hell with anything it can.

• Thebazilly (Reviewing Debuts - Part Three)

  Oh, I love the Gentleman Bastard series so much. You should definitely read the second book, it’s even better than Lies. (Lynch gets even better at developing characters and their relationships.) I’ve heard of the movie, too, but I’m kind of dubious about it.

• falconempress (Reviewing Debuts - Part Three)

  @Jeni – it is not shallow. Despite what “Do not judge a book by its cover” may try to tell us, covers are a very important thing on a book. By a show of hands – how many of you picked up Eragon because of that damned, pretty blue cover? @Apep – I am now going to find out where the people responsible for publishing Scott Lynch here live and I am going to bug them until the sequel is in my hands. I AM COMING FOR YOU! @Steph – yup, I think I read about it in Lynchs blog. They …

• Steph (what is left) (Reviewing Debuts - Part Three)

  oh! Oh, hay guyz! Guess what? On my way to add it to my goodreads list, I found out that it’s being made into a movie!

• Steph (what is left) (Reviewing Debuts - Part Three)

  exactly what jbaker475 said.

• falconempress (The Abstract Bookcase: Jimmy Coates: Killer)

  True dat.

• Apep (Reviewing Debuts - Part Three)

  Always nice to see a book that I like get promoted. And with regards to the sequel, take Lies and add pirates. Because, to quote The Gamers: Dorkness Rising, “Everything’s better with pirates.”

• Jeni (The Abstract Bookcase: Jimmy Coates: Killer)

  It’s a little known fact that unicorns have surprisingly flexible hooves. They’re also the power behind the throne. Every throne.

• Jeni (Reviewing Debuts - Part Three)

  Ok, this is shallow, but I love the book cover. :D

• falconempress (The Abstract Bookcase: Jimmy Coates: Killer)

  I was never much into the genre of the teenage superspies or children saving the world – at all – but you had me at the unicorns shooting people.

• jbaker475 (Reviewing Debuts - Part Three)

  Aaaaaand yet another entry on my increasingly long list of “MUST READ NOW” books. Thanks for the suggestion; this sounds pretty bad ass.

• falconempress (Reviewing Debuts - Part Three)

  Yay! Your comment makes me happy:D I have made it my personal crusade to get as many people to start reading the awesomeness that is Scott Lynch as I can. And my most favorite fantasy book ever is A Game of Thrones by the George R.R. Martin. Thank you for asking:)

• Yael (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  Haha. Even if the first 40 pages were accidentally online before they were edited by an editor, it’s still shit. I know first drafts are almost all of the time bad, but this bad? Poor grammar skills like that on the first draft still show a bad writer. I had a thought (and yeah, this is a pretty far stretch, but still), what if her parents don’t know about the real publishing process? I mean, they don’t know that they’re suppose to send the manuscript to a literary agent, an agent accepts it, finds a publishing house to publish it, so …

• Snow White Queen (Reviewing Debuts - Part Three)

  I’ve heard great things about this book, and your review only clinches it. Now I MUST read it…after finishing all the other books on my list. :( Out of curiosity, what would you consider the best fantasy book you’ve read ever?

• melanthes (Eternal Night)

  I’ve always wondered about that sort of consequence of immortality. I admit, part of the way through reading this, I though “Twilight” and then dismissed it – principally because there’s an awful lot of character and good writing here.

• Kytescall (Maradonia and the Seven Bridges Spork, Part One)

  Holy shit are you serious? This shit is better than Eragon!

• Jeni (The Abstract Bookcase: Jimmy Coates: Killer)

  Thanks, Chris! I always forget about the Book Depository, it’s a great site. Direct link to the Jimmy Coates books on sale here.

• Kytescall (BFT3K, Hawkmistress!, Introduction and Chapter 1.)

  As a bio student and a pedant, I have to state for the record that the following statement is wrong: “Falcons and hawks (eagles belong to the same family as hawks) are biologically as closely related as cats and dogs. Or fish and marine mammals.” I’m referring especially to the second sentence there, although the first sentence is wrong too. I’m sure lccorp2’s friend was just overstating this for dramatic effect, but hawks and falcons are a hell of a lot closer to each other than fish and marine mammals. The sheer wrongness of this remark makes me cringe. Cats and dogs, …

• Chris (The Abstract Bookcase: Jimmy Coates: Killer)

  You can’t buy the books in the States but this English website has the whole Jimmy Coates series (all 6 books) and they ship anywhere in the world for free! So you can read the whole series without it costing more than it costs English people: www.bookdepository.co.uk

• Jeni (The Abstract Bookcase: Jimmy Coates: Killer)

  Loni, yeah, they’re a bit old. But Joe Craig can be super cool so I like to give props to authors that deserve it. Plus, he’s a Cambridge-boy. I have a certain loyalty to that lot, bunch of silly tossers.

• Jeni (II Sketches)

  Zero Punctuation reference. Pancakes if I can remember why I was making it.

• Jeni (The Abstract Bookcase: Jimmy Coates v. Alex Rider)

  Eh, not really. It’s just that every outlandish situation that Alex Rider gets himself into, Horowitz feels that he has to explain how it’s possible a 14 year old is able to do all this stuff. Take the going into space thing: he actually put a full length piece at the back explaining how Alex could go into space without any training whatsoever and make it back alive. Yes, he’d done his research, but cheese on crackers, it gets tiring.

• Jeni (The Abstract Bookcase: Jimmy Coates: Killer)

  DISCLAIMER: There may or may not be unicorns.

• Loni (The Abstract Bookcase: Jimmy Coates: Killer)

  They do in fact sell in Australia – I found it in my school library, like 2 years ago.

• Morvius (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  Someone needs to get into her mind, Inception style, and obliterate it with an atomic bomb. No. Make that twenty atomic bombs.

• No One (The Abstract Bookcase: Jimmy Coates: Killer)

  unicorns with guns. Eh? Unicorns with guns? O_O Awesome! Do they sell in Australia? Oh whatever, I can ask my uncle to buy me one.

• fffan (The Abstract Bookcase: Jimmy Coates v. Alex Rider)

  seems to have this odd need to justify everything that Alex does and how it is plausible and possible. Oh it’s one of those books is it? This was probably the one thing that annoyed me the most with Artemis Fowl. Eoin Colfer seemed to keep say things like, “This – is – real! MAKE A RELIGION OUT OF IT!” in my humble opinion.

• Puppet (The Abstract Bookcase: Jimmy Coates: Killer)

  I want moar Abstract Bookcase.

• Chant (The Abstract Bookcase: Jimmy Coates: Killer)

  Unicorns with guns? I’m in! I think we could all benefit from reading something in the 8-12 age range every once in a while :)

• Donavan (Everything Wrong With Twilight: Part 1)

  Isn’t it comical how almost every teenage girl loves Twilight? I too felt it’s draw… before I actually READ the books. Then it was just down hill bud. Honestly, they can literally take it and shove it up their hairy butts. I would say the latter but i shan’t in case of little eyes that may have found this page. I can’t wait until Vampires Suck comesout. First thing about twilight that actually has some class and quality. Jesus people, Sparkly vampires? Honestly? What a joke!

• Licht (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  Wait. She’s got a page for “Constructive criticism” ? This is great! I had no idea! Well… does she actually accept the critique? Does she take it serious?

• Barbeqed (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  I like how Gloria writes utter literary trash and then attempts to cover it up by saying it was accidentally released. She posted this on her Facebook page for constructive criticism. “Notice that the first 40 pages (the weakest part of my story) have gone out on the Internet practically by accident… BEFORE the editor got a hand of it. That is why several mistakes were found in the excerpt.” Well whoever the editor was they sure scammed the Tesches. If the book is this bad I shudder at the thought of what it was before the ‘editor’ went over …

• leafbreeze (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Two)

  Shouldn’t Maya be the one suspended for three days, since she was the one beating the crap out of Alana? Wait, Maya is SPESHUL. Never mind.

• leafbreeze (Maradonia and the Seven Bridges Spork, Part Two)

  This….. this is honestly some of the worst prose I have read. The only thing that comes close is “Big Dog’s” “books.” Has Tesch never even heard of showing?

• Juniper (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Ten)

  Has anyone been on her site to see the new video? Apparently she’s garnered the attention of the media and her books are selling out of book stores right and left! And she’s a “billion dollar industry!” And all publishers smoke cigars and have hot secretaries! omg! It’s so bad it’s it’s own parody.

• Luni (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Four)

  I’m driven to the conclusion that Ms Tesch’s first language might not be English. 1. Her name’s Tesch, which sounds totally German to me. Of course, that’s not too extraordinary, with the USA being an country of immigration and all. 2.” …but Joey opened only his mouth in disbelieve (page 48)” That’s German sentence structure. 3. That person mentioned in the prologue (preface?), which seemed completely awkward between all those fantasy names, because she was called Gertrude, has a name that was once very common in Germany (though today it has some Nazi vibes) 4. At a previous sporking someone pointed out that Tesch …

• Steph (what is left) (Thrown With Great Force: The Amber Spyglass Part 1)

  Uhm… nut jobs? Komedic, I like your series, and your River Song spoiler alert but… please. I can’t answer for the right-wingers, but there are Christians who frequent this site. Could you be a little more sensitive?

• Lord Bob Bree (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Ten)

  This whole “training” is actually just an attempt to use evolution to create a better army. The survivors reproduce, the offspring are put through the same or tougher training, and in 5000 years or so, you have an unstoppable army!

• Licht (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Ten)

  Oh, I forgot something: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jR9536BP6j8

• Danielle (Eternal Night)

  Incredimazable. Fantabulous. If only Twilight had been like this. It was beautifully written and wonderfully thoughtful. Haunting is the best word I can think to describe it. Reading Twilight, I often wished Meyer would mention the consequences of immortality, and this is exactly what would happen to an immortal in reality. My only complaint? I wish there was more.

• TakuGifian (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Ten)

  If there are seven circles of literary hell, this is the Devil’s own toilet paper.

• Nate Winchester (Eternal Night)

  I concur. For this story, I assumed that countless ages filled with life’s hard lessons actually has made her more thoughtful. Yeah, knowing Bella, for her to have any character growth it would take a few million years.

• Puppet (Thrown With Great Force: The Amber Spyglass Part 2)

  Exactly, sweguy.

• sweguy (Thrown With Great Force: The Amber Spyglass Part 2)

  Im sorry, but I disagree with some of your sporking points. Yes, the big guy they have to kill in the end is The Almighty God, so therefore, these books must me anti-our God. But I disagree. Because when I read the books, The Almighty God was no where near as annoyingly evil and corrupt as the Magisterium, or whatever its called in english (a swede commenting) So to me, the wickedness in this book is not the face of god, but the fanatics. Which I think is a pretty good moral look on life. Fanatics are not doing any good anywhere. So …

• Asahel (Eternal Night)

  Thanks everyone for the positive feedback. I’m delighted that everyone enjoyed the story. I’m sure I’ll contribute more in the future; the last dry spell is primarily due to being hard at work on a fantasy/sf trilogy (yeah, I know, I know, but in my defense I only broke it up into three parts because it was getting too long). Anyway, If only Bella was this thoughtful in the real book. I concur. For this story, I assumed that countless ages filled with life’s hard lessons actually has made her more thoughtful. Just one thing I have to point out, a minor nitpick: …

• Snow White Queen (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  I used to love those books so much. …then I realized they all had the same plot and moved on. Yup, same here. There are like a hundred of them now, it’s insane.

• swenson (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  Hey, now, don’t be dissing Magic Treehouse! I used to love those books so much. …then I realized they all had the same plot and moved on.

• Licht (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Ten)

  True. But his ignorance in the name of writing something “epic” is not.

• Spanman (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Ten)

  Paolini’s writing is saintly compared to this.

• Licht (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Ten)

  I feel my eye twitching. Even if it were a drivel she’d written for herself, just for the sake of fun, it would be pretty bad, to be honest. But seriously PUBLISHING such crap? Oh, good Goddess, WHY?! This is so embarrassing, and I feel so sad for this poor creature once she realises. Once and forever: Do not write about military tactics when you have absolutely no clue how it works. Just. Don’t! Same goes for Bible stories, swordfighting, Beowulf, Norse Mythology and others. (It’s you I’m looking at Mr. Paolini) Go on Kawnliee, I don’t care for your liver, go on, I want …

• falconempress (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Ten)

  I second what Taku said up there – at first I was disgusted and shocked and appalled, now Im just numb with horror.

• Reader (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Ten)

  If you are going to steal ideas from the Bible, make sure you understand the Biblical story first.

• Puppet (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  You forgot one thing, Kawnliee. Gloria reads four books a week she says. Turns out those books were the Magic Treehouse.

• Snow White Queen (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Ten)

  Is it a sign of my stupidity that I have no idea what’s happening anymore?

• Morvius (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  Oh god….did you see the video on the maradonia website? It’s…indescribable. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6oa9ifwLmU&feature=player_embedded

• swenson (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Ten)

  Somehow…that doesn’t seem physically possible. That’s exactly what Jimmy kept screaming. (the relevant part starts around 4:14) Anyway, GAHHHH! Chapter 31 is mildly better than the preceding chapters, but only because not much happens. Chapter 30, on the other hands is completely retarded! She not only mixed up two completely different Bible stories (at least, I’m assuming she stole the “don’t eat anything until I tell you to” thing from I Samuel 14, where King Saul says “Cursed be the man that eateth any food until evening, that I may be avenged on mine enemies.”), she missed the point of both. In the …

• TakuGifian (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Ten)

  I… I can’t even hate this anymore. I’m just numb with shock and disbelief at how utterly stupid—how utterly and irrationally idiotic—this book is. It’s like Tesch is intentionally trying to create something with as little rationality as possible. This is not merely ignorance of reality, this is a profound defiance of rationality. The very antithesis of what it claims to be, at the deepest possible level. If this is a genuine attempt at good storytelling, then Tesch should talk to a psychologist, because she has major problems. I’d diagnose schizophrenic psychosis, at the very least.

• Puppet (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Ten)

  I racked up the numbers and it came out to 222 drinks in 31 chapters. If you finish this series I’ll donate my liver to you, Kawnliee.

• Tolly (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  @Steph (what is left): He seems kind of adorable in a ‘never grew up and FAR too geeky for his own good’ kind of way, if the various clips I’ve seen of his convention appearances are to be remotely believed. …Oh. Dear. God. I think Paolini is adorable. Brain Bleach!

• Tolly (Eternal Night)

  Oh. Oh wow. I bow before the master. Just wow. And THIS is why immortality creeps me the hell out!

• Puppet (Eternal Night)

  S/He actually wrote some other articles a while back. Here’s the link for anybody who wants it: http://impishidea.com/tag/Asahel/

• the Sue (Eternal Night)

  THIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSS…. Who is this person and why did (s)he come straight out of the blue like that? This was amazing.

• Puppet (Eternal Night)

  Nicely done, Asahel. Will we be seeing more articles/writing from you?

• dragonarya (Eternal Night)

  Nice piece! Just one thing I have to point out, a minor nitpick: Hercules is actually the Roman name for him; the original Greek name is Heracles. Like I said, just a minor nitpick but one that never fails to annoy me. :P

• Durandalski (Eternal Night)

  Wow. With one, thousand word piece of writing you surpassed all the twilight books combined. You made Bella and Edward seem like real people, and still made it funny in the end. Awesome incarnate!

• fffan (Eternal Night)

  Ding ding ding ding! We have a winner! Congratulations. Here’s your internet. In fact, why don’t you take a hundred?

• Spanman (Eternal Night)

  Great buildup to a punchline of absolute win.

• Lucywannabe (Eternal Night)

  Oooo…I love it. I’ve always wondered about this very thing, whenever some immortal being like a vampire appears in a story: what happens when they outlive the very world that spawned them? I like this little look into that possibility, well done.

• Kawnliee (Eternal Night)

  This made me laugh aloud. And it was also excellently written. Love it. :)

• Kawnliee (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  Just out of curiosity, how difficult are these books to get? I bought my copies off of Amazon – for two reasons, I trust Amazon more with my money, and because I don’t want to line Gloria Tesch’s pockets, but I’m okay with buying a used copy from some other poor schmuck. Seven Bridges cost me ~$25 and Gold of Ophir cost me ~$10. Currently, the cheapest copies of the book on Amazon are $75 and $19.95, respectively, so if you actually wanted a copy you’d be better off going elsewhere. I have never seen anything written by Tesch in any …

• Snow White Queen (Eternal Night)

  I love it. If only Bella was this thoughtful in the real book.

• Nate Winchester (Eternal Night)

  Next time someone asks me, “Nate, what does ‘awesome’ mean?” I am going to point them here and say “This. This is awesome.”

• swenson (Eternal Night)

  Hahahaha! Amazing! To be honest, I skimmed through it, so I only got what it was about at the last line. Which is exactly as it should be.

• Zephronias (Eternal Night)

  Ha! The ending line just sucked all the horror right out of it. (But in a good way). Great piece. Absolutely awesome.

• NeuroticPlatypus (Eternal Night)

  This is pure win. XD I love it. It’s really well-written, and if I hadn’t looked at the first comment and the tags first, I wouldn’t have known it was about Bella until then end. Nice job.

• theArmourer (Eternal Night)

  I should have chosen Jacob. This should be in the humor section.

• Super-Secret-Alias (Eternal Night)

  And that is the reason immortality would worry me. :P I loved how you explored that possibility. Infinitely better than the usual romantic fluff found in Twilight fanfiction.

• Romantic Vampire Lover (Eternal Night)

  I always wondered what would happen in this situation… Lovely piece you have here. Well written, and I liked the allusions to mythology. Bravo! :D

• Corinnlon (Eternal Night)

  That was the most awesome piece of writing ever spawned by Stephenie Meyer’s books. <3

• Steph (what is left) (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  @Tolly: Yeah, I think Paolini might actually be tolerable IRL. Tesch… not so much. Guess it’s comforting to know sitcoms are, in fact, based somewhat in reality. Danielle, what are you smoking?! THIS IS NOT COMFORTING AT ALL!!!

• Tolly (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  Oi… At least Paolini is someone who I will admit to actually being kind of curious about meeting in real life just to see what he’s like… Gloria, on the other hand? If I ever met her, I’d be obligated to bitch-slap her on behalf of all writers.

• Dominique (Twilight: Abridged and Annotated, Chapters 18 and 19)

  I have to agree about the whole Charlie bit. It could have been so deep and poignant, but instead it’s just another roadblock to Belward’s shoddy romance. Seriously, Meyer spends more words on yet another “Edward is hot” scene than she does on what should be the most heartbreaking tableau in the entire book! How did this woman ever get a degree, in ENGLISH of all things?!

• Steph (what is left) (Twilight: Abridged and Annotated, Chapters 18 and 19)

  Artimaeus, I love you for putting this all in perspective, ESPECIALLY chapter 19. It reads much creepier when you do it.

• Durandalski (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  I can’t even finish watching that. I just get sick. xP The comments are funny though. :)

• Snow White Queen (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  A semi-relevant link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpReAzw2PFM

• swenson (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  Hum. So I go on her site to see about buying these things (not that I would actually pay money, but just to see if they’re on Amazon or something), and I happen to notice that you can buy them directly from “Liberty’s Book Press”. Liberty’s Book Press, of course, exists nowhere else other than on the Maradonia site. But hey! At least I found out how to buy the books—just send in this PDF to Liberty’s Book Press, located (obviously) in Florida. And did you know you can not only purchase the first two books (which are listed there as …

• dragonarya (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  This is terribly amusing.

• Artimaeus (Twilight: Abridged and Annotated, Chapters 18 and 19)

  How many chapters are left in this monstrosity? Five, I think, plus an epilogue, and most of those chapters are fairly short. And secondly, are you going to do New Moon? Good god, not if there’s any possible way for me to avoid it.

• Puppet (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  They aren’t in my library, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen them in Barnes & Noble/Borders.

• fffan (Twilight: Abridged and Annotated, Chapters 18 and 19)

  I always wondered why they didn’t just ship Bella off to Antartica or something…

• Snow White Queen (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  I’ve bought the first two books in the series. By which I mean the Seven Bridges and the Gold of Ophir. Just out of curiosity, how difficult are these books to get? (Not like I’m considering buying, because if I’m going to shell out money, it’s going towards the complete short stories of Anton Chekov or something similarly high-quality.)

• NeuroticPlatypus (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  @Eva I think there is a YouTube review of her trailer thing (don’t know if it’s SwankIvy’s or not) that also points out that she just chopped the three in half to make six. This is all very interesting, Kawnliee. Good job. I’d think she could at least change everything so that it would say whatever order she wants the books to be in and however many she wants there to be.

• Kawnliee (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  Has anyone actually bought these? Other than to make fun of them? I’ve bought the first two books in the series. By which I mean the Seven Bridges and the Gold of Ophir.

• Eva (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  I wish I could find that news letter again and link it here but since her blog is down I just don’t know where I can look. Basically your exactly right about her chopping the books and that “until you realize that if you simply adjusted the font size to something that is actually NORMAL the book instantly becomes 50% shorter.” I pointed all of this out to Tesch on her facebook and after surviving for a few weeks I just checked and I see my comment deleted. So the hilarious part here is that she has had ALL of …

• Eva (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  I wrote about this weird gold of ophir/escape from the underworld thing on her facebook page. Later I stumbled across some Maradonia newsletter in her blog (which I can’t find again because her blog seems to be down), which says that her first three books were split into 2 books each (thereby making the six), because, I quote “800 pages is too much for one book.” So basically this new “escape from the underworld” seems to be the second half of the original “Seven Bridges”, only Gloria and her family find it too hard to make the proper updates on all parts …

• Inspector Karamazov (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  Wow…just….I have no words for how mind bogglingly stupid this is. I keep hoping she’s a troll.

• TakuGifian (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  Not to mention that all the “praise” she ever actually gets from others (at least, on her facebook) is “I know this person! Like, IRL! :D” and the like. I think it’s safe to say that Tesch is a minor annoyance, who won’t last the ages or become anything more than she is.

• Danielle (Twilight: Abridged and Annotated, Chapters 18 and 19)

  Twilight: The eternal, creepy romance between a sociopath and an undead pedophile! Once again, I admire your courage in wading through this crap, Arty.

• Charlotte (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  Has anyone actually bought these? Other than to make fun of them?

• Puppet (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  Does anybody know how many books she has actually sold? Or what is the exact word count in her books? I tried searching and I couldn’t find it. Because like Kawnliee said, the books don’t need to be 800 pages.

• lookingforme (Twilight: Abridged and Annotated, Chapters 18 and 19)

  I have to say, Arty, when you wrote about how difficult it is to hurt someone you love, I felt more of an emotional pull than when reading Bella’s pathetic excuse of an argument with Charlie. I forgotten why this book failed so hard.

• Zephronias (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  WHY DOES SHE CONTINUE THIS? What is the point? Nobody is fooled, nobody is buying the books- what does she think she is trying to acomplish? What the hell are her parents smoking to allow their child to act like this? I don’t fecking get it.

• swenson (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  I noticed something else in the library picture. If the lack of a spine label wasn’t enough, check out the books next to her book… they’re by authors in the E’s, not the T’s! Also, although I’m not 100% sure on this one, it appears the other books are Westerns and in the adult section. A young adult fantasy book would be quite out of place there!

• Danielle (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  Wow, this is like a plotline from a lame sitcom. Girl wants to write book, can’t write worth a darn, parents decide to self-publish and change the website to disguise the fact that her “masterpiece” has only sold two copies. Guess it’s comforting to know sitcoms are, in fact, based somewhat in reality. Or maybe I’m just comforted by the fact that I’m not the dumbest one in the room. :P

• Leterren (A Trip Inside the Mind of Gloria Tesch)

  Not to mention, as SwankIvy pointed out in her video—in that picture of Gloria in Barnes and Noble, her book is currently the first, second, AND third best seller!

• Romantic Vampire Lover (Twilight: Abridged and Annotated, Chapters 18 and 19)

  Oh, right… she’s a sociopath. Ah, the truth comes out at last! Thanks for this, Arty. :D

• Kawnliee (Resources)

  Conjugal Felicity (under sporkings) http://conjugalfelicity.wikispaces.com/

• Snow White Queen (Twilight: Abridged and Annotated, Chapters 18 and 19)

  Wouldn’t the first thing they want to take care of be Bella’s scent? I mean, if you can still smell her, then there’s no point in doing anything else because James can still track her down no matter how far you go. But great spork, Artimaeus, like always. How many chapters are left in this monstrosity? And secondly, are you going to do New Moon?

• dragonarya (Twilight: Abridged and Annotated, Chapters 18 and 19)

  That bit where Bella has to hurt her father has so much wasted potential. ARGH! There’s nothing that annoys me as much as wasted potential, whether it be a book, movie, anime, whatever! It just goes to show that whoever wrote it had a good idea but was so incompetant they couldn’t eve use it properly! … …but then, we already knew that.

• swenson (Twilight: Abridged and Annotated, Chapters 18 and 19)

  Yeah, now that I think about it, her plan was really dumb. An ordinary human would have no trouble whatsoever guessing that a possible place to go would be her former home, why would it be any trouble for a super-smart-super-awesome-super-tracking-ness vampire to work it out, even without his super-awesome-super-tracking-ness powers?!

• leafbreeze (Twilight: Abridged and Annotated, Chapters 18 and 19)

  Here’s some news, kids! Kidnapping is totally romantic. It’s perfectly okay to let yourself get tossed around in the back of a car by two men. It just means they love you, and is not abusive in the slightest

• Danielle (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  Cats, then? Or hamsters? Wombats, perhaps?

• Puppet (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  I’m not much of a dog person, to be honest… Heh, heh. Those sneer quotes intentional, Puppet? Obviously.

• Steph (what is left) (Twilight: Abridged and Annotated, Chapter 17)

  @ Artimaeus: My beef is kind of with using the term ‘amateur’ to describe somebody who, not to put too fine a point on it, could use a lot of work before she stops sucking.

• Saku (Maradonia and the Seven Bridges Spork, Part One)

  Hey there :D I thought this was great, I really lol’d a lot XD A good spork the only way to make thsi thing readable, it seems. I hope Gloria will notice that she is not ZOMFG SOOOO ORIGINAL neither that popular she pretends to be… BTW, has someone the excerpt at hand? I saved it at open Office, but I lost it |D Please mail it to me, somebody, I’d like to spork it in German X3

• Zephronias (Thrown With Great Force: The Amber Spyglass Part 2)

  I don’t think ‘win’ is a strong enough word to aptly describe your sporkings. Someone find a thesaurous(sp?), then mail it to me.

• ileana777 (Twilight's Appeal)

  I enjoyed reading this review and marveled in a few chuckles. Why though the intense need to rationalize fiction and movies? Wouldn’t at some point be all about the appeal they are able to stirr? I never in a million years imagined I would either see the movies or grab the books. I have a pre-teen son. Not only did I instantly fall though the hole into the magic land, but at the moment I find myself floating on clouds of magnetic inspiration and surges of highs seeing Robert Pattison’s mug, seeking it… I watched his …

• Charlotte (Thrown With Great Force: The Amber Spyglass Part 2)

  Awesome as always. You’ve inspired me to read through the series just to see if it’s as silly as I think it is…

• Danielle (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  This sort of reminds me of a book called Stuff Christians Like by Jonathan Acuff. It’s satire of things Christians do, and he has one entry called “R-Rated Movies are OK—As Long as they’re Violent.” Gloria Tesch seems to think the same way.

• Ktosza (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  “Food effect’s(?) your mood”? Seriously? You know, that reminded me of Terry Pratchett’s “The Fifth Elephant”, when Vimes decided not to say any witty oneliner after killing the bad guy, because that’d change this killing from his duty as a policeman to a murder. And because it’s a terrible thing to try to be witty after killing somebody. And I agree. And honestly? This guy was on their side! But, apparently, his death is no big deal. Even the people who knew him forever decided to just relax and hang with those kids they barely knew. Poor Justin. Gloria Tesch is …

• Ktosza (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Six)

  She is (or was) homeschooled, it’s written on her site. I don’t know how those things are done in USA, but in my country I know at least one girl that is neither genius nor religious, she’s just convinced she’s a genius writer and she hates everybody, so her parents got her a permission from psychologist to give her homeschooling. Sounds familiar, huh? That’s why I always thought that Tesch is also homeschooled just because she thinks she’s special. Excellent sporking, by the way.

• swenson (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Four)

  I’ve noticed that’s often the case. It seems backwards, but I guess if someone learns a foreign language, they tend to learn it correctly… unlike someone who grows up speaking it incorrectly. Still drives me crazy, though. Give me a non-native English speaker any day over a native speaker! They’re always better!

• TakuGifian (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  Heh. ‘Reviewers’ Heh, heh. Those sneer quotes intentional, Puppet?

• Licht (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  Doesn’t the Bible say “You shall not steal”? Puppy:

• Danielle (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  Puppet, if I had an internet to give you, I totally would. Would you settle for a puppy?

• ProserpinaFC (Thrown With Great Force: The Amber Spyglass Part 2)

  I’ve been coming to the site every day to see the next episode of Thrown With Great Force! I’m glad that my stalker ways have rewarded me with first comment! :D I’m writing about an clergy that goes astry, but I hope not to be, um, anti-preachy? lol

• Chey (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  She…she plagiarized the Bible. Word for word. THE BIBLE. Granted, anyone who hasn’t read the Bible wouldn’t be aware of it (I wouldn’t have known if you hadn’t pointed it out) but still, plagiarizing from one of the most famous and revered books of all time? Yeah… I look forward to the next installment of this spork! It’s truly the only way to endure even thinking about these books. >.<

• Yael (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Four)

  ‘“Because I am a part of it, “Arabella sizzled. (page 53).’ I just imagined a pan on the stove. Ugh, this is a horrible rip off of Narnia. Heck, I’m 14 and I can write way better than that. Even my earlier stories were shit and they were still better than this crap. At least I have a better grasp on grammar. Which is a little sad, since English isn’t even my first language (you’d think she’d have better English than me. 0_o’)

• Inspector Karamazov (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  Hahaha, I love you Puppet. That is all.

• Dominique (Everything Wrong With Twilight: Part 9)

  I’m rereading the EWW for fun, and it just reminded me of how utterly abysmal this book is. Specifically, that Bella is conveniently in the one article of clothing she owns which is specifically feminine (her skirt) when she goes all Fifties Romance and FAINTS IN EDWARD’S ARMS. SHE FAINTS FROM HIS KISSES, PEOPLE. It’s like Meyer was born in the thirties, for Pete’s sake. How she can claim Bella is a modern, independent woman with a straight face is a complete mystery.

• Puppet (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  You guys just don’t understand the ‘Wonderful Affects’ the ‘Maradonia Saga™’ Written By Gloria Tesch had on the world. The characters are to ‘Deep and Complex’ and you hate fulled people don’t have enough ‘Wisdom’ to understand our ‘Protagonists’ Maya and Joey the Encouragers. They’re epic journey across the ‘Beautiful Land of Maradonia™’ is their voyage to seek they’re inner wisdom and self. Gloria Tesch author of the Maradonia Saga™ wrote it when she was only 13 and she is the ‘Youngest Novelist In The ‘World’ all of you are and part of the ‘Gothic Movement’ and envy of ‘Gloria …

• swenson (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  A very large part of my brain wants to immediately embrace that theory, Mangraa, just so I don’t have to think there is someone who writes this poorly out there. Unfortunately, I don’t think that is true. (but please, please, please, let it be true!)

• Inspector Karamazov (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  I’ve thought the same thing, Mangraa. It sounds like it was translated poorly.

• Mangraa (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  You have brought me so much joy at your own expense. I applaud you and eagerly await the next … installment. I have this fascination and a theory surrounding Tesch… I’ll share what I’m thinking in case others have resources/thoughts: – Her writing is horrid, obviously. But when speaking in public she seems to speak normally, no accent, no gratuitous words… but the writing sounds like how someone speaks when English is a second language. – From above, I don’t know the country of origin for “Tesch”, although it sounds German, but that could just be a …

• Pixen (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  “Food effect’s your Mood!” 1. That should be ‘affects’, not effects and CERTAINLY not ‘effect’s’! 2. Unless ‘Mood’ is a person or a place or something else which falls under the umbrella term of proper noun (which it isn’t), it shouldn’t be capitalised. Oh god, I am laughing so hard right now. Too bad for Tesch that this particular quote invokes a different kind of hilarity, and not the comic relief humour she was probably going for.

• Snow White Queen (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  You know…the part where Vizzini drinks the iocane and goes “You just fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The first of which is, never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: Never go in against a Sicilian when DEATH is on the line! Ahaha! Haha! Ha—” And then he falls over dead. Oh, I guess that makes more sense than what I was thinking- Wesley switching the iocane powder and all that. I don’t know why that was on my mind.

• jbaker475 (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  I think “Food effect’s your Mood!” might just top “This is indeed a serious child!” for the sheer amoung of lulz caused.

• Danielle (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  Eh…I don’t see it. You know…the part where Vizzini drinks the iocane and goes “You just fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The first of which is, never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: Never go in against a Sicilian when DEATH is on the line! Ahaha! Haha! Ha—” And then he falls over dead. Or maybe I was thinking of a sequence from Spongebob Squarepants…. but I’m reasonably certain Miss Tesch isn’t allowed to watch Spongebob.

• fffan (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  They tie the unicorns up. No, really. Tesch even mentions that the unicorns are pissed off about this, but Maya reassures them that she’s going to take care of them after her speech. Somehow, if I was a unicorn, the thought that someone was going to ‘take care’ of me would only insult me further. Actually, I would be a little worried if someone told me they were going to “take care” of me. Mimics shotgun sounds.

• Dominique (Twilight: Abridged and Annotated, Chapter 17)

  Point taken, but I must protest. Even at our level, we know that we shouldn’t overuse unorthodox dialogue tags. This is because we’ve all made an effort to go out and learn how to write better by reading, researching, and opening our work to critique. Mistakes like these don’t only show inexperience, but that the author never really took the time to learn the conventions of the craft. Meyer said she deliberately abstained from taking creative writing courses in college so she wouldn’t be criticized. Then there is the fact that she also admitted to avoiding learning anything about vampires, the …

• Snow White Queen (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  And as for Justin’s death….am I too far off the mark to assume she stole that from The Princess Bride? Eh…I don’t see it. But this book has reached new levels of suckitude. Is that a cause for celebration? Perhaps not, but Kawnliee has so much ammo here that it’s absolutely mind-boggling. Great spork. :)

• Magus (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  Remember kids, “Food effect’s your Mood!” Best part of the whole book, right there.

• Danielle (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  She ripped off the Bible. GLORIA TESCH ripped off the BIBLE. Wow, Tesch, that is a new low, even for you. And the Nissan Waterfalls just makes me think of cars plunging over a cliff. And as for Justin’s death….am I too far off the mark to assume she stole that from The Princess Bride?

• Artimaeus (Twilight: Abridged and Annotated, Chapter 17)

  We’re all amateurs. Or, you know most of us on this site, anyway. I wouldn’t criticise amateurs. I’d criticise amateurs who don’t know to never let your first novel see the light of day because it will suck. But I’m nitpicking here. Point taken, but I must protest. Even at our level, we know that we shouldn’t overuse unorthodox dialogue tags. This is because we’ve all made an effort to go out and learn how to write better by reading, researching, and opening our work to critique. Mistakes like these don’t only show inexperience, but that the author never really took …

• Lucywannabe (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  Ripping off…the bible…wow. That’s…that’s a new one. o_O

• Steph (what is left) (Twilight: Abridged and Annotated, Chapter 17)

  This is the kind of thing that should scream “I am an amateur!” to any legitimate publisher. We’re all amateurs. Or, you know most of us on this site, anyway. I wouldn’t criticise amateurs. I’d criticise amateurs who don’t know to never let your first novel see the light of day because it will suck. But I’m nitpicking here. Rather than raise the stakes of her story, Meyer simply ties up the romantic loose ends off screen so that Bella can get on with their obsessive codependence. Rather than set up conflict, this scene ensures that Jessica and Mike will never again …

• TakuGifian (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  sobs quietly

• swenson (Maradonia Sporkings: Part Nine)

  GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Make the voices go away, make them stop taunting me! This book is going to be the death of me. I honestly think this is the worst this book has ever gotten. I know there were some hints before at Biblical influences/allusions, but I tried to pretend I didn’t see them. Now, though… it’s unmistakable. I’m not sure if terrible Biblical allusions count as blasphemy, but they’re still pretty annoying. Especially when they’re this blatant. Srsly, it’s possible to make an allusion without plagiarizing!

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