Happy Leap Day!
I should correct an earlier statement: we are actually much closer to the end of this book than I previously suggested. I was basing my estimates off of the Kindle percentage of the book completed, but actually looking at the chapter count, and re-reading the material ahead, it turns out that there are twenty-five chapters and an epilogue. This edition comes with a short novella and a preview of the next novel, though, which is why the Kindle says we’re only 67% percent of the way through the book.
No worries, though, because we’re not going to spork that extra material! We’re only going to do the actual novel Hexed. And with that in mind, we’re almost done! After this, it’s two more chapters and an epilogue. Hooray!
Atticus begins the chapter by calling Leif, the literal blood-sucking lawyer, to ask for his help. Leif, if you remember from earlier, said that he doesn’t want to talk to Atticus unless he’s willing to help him kill Thor. When he tried calling earlier, Leif hung up the instant that Atticus said he wasn’t going to do it. So this time, Leif asks the question as soon as he answers the phone, and Atticus tells him he’ll help. Leif, in a bit of a funny moment, assumed he would say no and automatically hung up, only to call back.
“I beg your pardon,” he said, “but did you say that you have changed your mind?”
See, there are little moments like this that are kind of amusing. But Hearne doesn’t realize that most of the time, so he instead over-does it by throwing in over-the-top jokes, or making stupid jokes at inappropriate moments like battles, or having the characters cackling their heads off at something that’s only maybe mildly amusing.
Leif asks what it is that Atticus wants, and our protagonist explains that he needs help killing evil witches. Leif is underwhelmed, because that doesn’t sound like a big deal to him. Atticus points out that they’re outnumbered ten-to-one, and Leif is still wondering why this is something that requires vampire backup.
“They’re pretty mean and they might be dressed like the Go-Go’s. I’m talking Aqua Net and those shirts that hang off one shoulder and everything.”
“It sounds atrocious, Atticus, simply heinous to the nth degree, but I have no idea to what you are alluding.”
I got nothing, folks.
The Kids These Days: 12
LAUGH, DAMNIT!: 39
To be clear, I don’t know to what Atticus is alluding, either.
Alright, I’m going to nitpick Leif’s dialogue. Yeah, it’s bad and stiff and awkward, but it’s supposed to be. The idea (as explained in the first chapter) is that Leif, the immortal vampire, hasn’t caught up with modern society and still speaks in old-fashioned English1. But if he’s a Nordic vampire, shouldn’t the fact that he’s speaking English at all be pretty impressive? If he’s so, “I can’t move on with the times,” shouldn’t he speak with an incredibly obvious accent of the kind Hearne is fond of doing terribly, or pepper in Norse words into his dialogue?
Did Not Do Homework: 20
Maybe he couldn’t figure out a way to make that funny.
Atticus also points out that some of the witches are pregnant with demon babies. Did I mention that before? No? I don’t remember. That’s A Thing that’s happening in this book. And apparently a witch with a demon bun in the oven has super nega evil magic or something. You’d think that demons, beings that are evil by nature, would actually weaken someone when they’re in the womb, like slowly killing their host? That’s my take, anyhow.
Whatever. Atticus tells Leif to call up his ghoul friends to eat the corpses of the bad guys they kill. He has a clean-up crew of ghouls on speed dial, remember? He apparently kills enough people that he found it handy. Our hero’s friend, ladies and gentlemen.
Leif asks when they get to the part when they kill Thor. Atticus explains that he’s going to Asgard later in the year (because he has to get some of Idunn’s golden apples for Laksha–though he doesn’t tell Leif that), and that when he gets back, they’ll plan on going in on a quest to kill Thor, so get his Thor-killing squad together for then. Leif asks for an oath to make sure, and Atticus says,
“Dude, I’ll even pinky-swear.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“I’ll give you my oath. Just come pick me up in your batmobile.”
[rubs forehead]
The Kids These Days: 13
And hey, shouldn’t the word ‘Batmobile’ supposed to be capitalized?
Did Not Do Homework: 21
Of course, Leif doesn’t get the reference (he assumes that it’s a very rude joke about him being a vampire), and the chapter ends with Atticus swearing that he’s going to make him read comic books. Which he doesn’t even need to do? Atticus (and Hearne) always seemed the sort that made fun of people who read comic books. His entire cover towards the cop was that he was a dumb nerd who watches anime! Wouldn’t it be more in-character for him to suggest watching a movie? Especially as Atticus is established in this very book to have a large film collection in his house?
Onto Chapter 23!
Chapter 23 begins with Leif arriving at Atticus’s house with a steel breastplate, because with it he won’t get staked. Which is surprisingly smart for a character in this book, methinks. Atticus seems a little surprised that he’s not wearing more of a Renaissance outfit other than the breastplate, and that’s dumb dumb–Leif’s a vampire. The main weakness, because it’s based off of pop culture, is a stake through the heart. The rest of him isn’t in need of such urgent protection.
Atticus points out that Leif is still vulnerable to the hellfire that the witches will be using, which, uh… yeah. That’s not a vampire thing, Attie. That’s a ‘being alive’ thing. I’m a little unclear if it’s meant to be a sort-of joke, with the way the conversation is written, but either way it’s still dumb. Atticus gives Leif one of the magic amulets to protect him (Oberon’s, because Oberon is not joining this fight and so won’t need it), so that he’ll be protected from hellfire.
“You’ll feel the heat, but it shouldn’t burn you.”
???
Atticus, heat is what causes burns. You’d think a guy over two thousand years old would know this. How does this amulet thing work? That you feel the heat but it doesn’t burn you? Does that mean you’ll be in pain from extreme heat, you just won’t suffer physical damage? That’s still incredibly bad!
Did Not Do Homework: 22
And by now you guys know that I hate doing this, but… [sigh] Dresden Files did this better. There’s a scene in one of the books where the protagonist Harry magically shields himself from fire, but because he didn’t account for the heat, his hand still gets horribly burned, and he’s crippled in that hand for the rest of the book (and spends some of the next couple of books recovering, even with wizard healing). Hearne, on the other hand, seems to be working under the assumption that as long as you’re not on fire, heat can’t hurt you.
Or something.
Leif is eager to get this show on the road (you and me both, man), but Atticus says he has a couple of things to do before that. The first! Well, hey, do you remember from Chapter 3 that Atticus’s neighbor Semerdjian mentioned he had a rocket-propelled grenade in his garage? Welp, Atticus thinks it’d be a good idea to go look and pick some of those up for the final battle.
This is actually a little weird, because in the last book, Atticus never even considers using firearms to solve his problems, despite the fact that it’d make things easier. The only time it really comes up is when the Leprechaun asks him why he doesn’t buy a gun to defend himself against Bres (this is after he feeds her an obviously BS story about how they were enemies after he stole a family heirloom or something), with Atticus claiming that he didn’t get a gun because he’s Irish.
But whatever! He wants to get some explosives this time! And by that, we mean he’s going to steal them from his neighbor. Yes, I am sad to report that Mr. Semerdjian, the neighbor who hates Atticus for entirely legitimate reasons, wasn’t given explosives to make him secretly awesome with a mysterious backstory or reveal hidden depths, it was so that out of nowhere the protagonist would have an easy supply of explosives.
Make it Easy!: 27
[rubs forehead] This series is on so many urban fantasy recommendation lists, and for the life of me, I can’t tell why. One of these days, I’m going to write an urban fantasy recommendation list that doesn’t include this series.
Stealing from someone’s house isn’t so easy, though, at least when he’s in the house! Which Mr. Semerdjian is. Leif can tell without turning to look because “his nostrils flared” and Atticus confirms that he’s watching through his front window–
Wait a minute, hang on, how does the super vampire sense of smell tell him that Semerdjian is in his house from across the street? It’s not super-hearing that tells him that the guy’s moving around in there; the text specifically says that his nostrils flare when he tells Atticus that he’s in his own house at that moment, which Atticus confirms by saying he’s peeking through his blinds. How is this a smelling thing?? How does that work? For that to happen, wouldn’t Mr. Semerdjian have to have a window open nearby or something, and the wind would have to be blowing in the right direction?
I strongly suspect that for Hearne, “super senses = limited clairvoyance”.
Atticus’s plan is for Leif to go over there, mind control him with vampire powers, and make him open the garage so they can take stuff, then mind wipe this incident.
“If he has military weaponry in there, we should report him to the ATF.”
I sighed in exasperation and pinched the bridge of my nose. Who would have thought a bloodsucking lawyer would actually care about the law? “Okay, but only after we take some to play with.”
Alright, so I know that I’ve said this about most of the characters Atticus has a conversation with, but: does Leif actually have a character? The man has a ghoul crew for cleaning up bodies on speed dial, he kills carpenters with hammers because he hates Thor that much, but now he’s a guy who cares about the legality of owning military-grade firearms? This doesn’t make sense. At least, not from a good writing perspective. For the setup of a stupid little joke, though, it makes… well, not ‘sense’ but there’s something resembling reasoning here. Characters don’t talk and act in a way that’s consistent, they do so in a way to make gags and/or make Atticus look smart.
LAUGH, DAMNIT!: 40
You can almost hear the laugh track playing in Hearne’s head as he reads it in his head.
And hey, if Leif is really so old-fashioned, formal, and out-of-date with how he speaks, wouldn’t he say the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, instead of just ‘ATF’?
Whatever. Mr. Semerdjian is watching them across the street, peeking through a couple of blinds. Somehow, from the porch across the street, when Leif whips his head around, he’s able to mind control of Mr. Semerdjian in seconds. I thought that needed eye contact? I don’t know because we never actually establish the rules for vampires in this setting other than, “Hearne follows pop culture.” Either way, across the street, on a porch, through a small gap in a window is very iffy if you ask me.
Make It Easy!: 28
Our protagonist and his vampire friend walk across the street and into Mr. Semerdjian’s garage to find his car and also several weapons: a bunch of RPGs, frag grenades, automatic weapons, flak jackets, and “handheld surface-to-air missiles.” When Leif asks the mind-controlled guy what those are all there for, he explains that it’s for the coyotes. Not, literal coyotes, or the Native American trickster who appeared earlier in the book, for the men who smuggle people over the border with Mexico. Apparently Mr. Semerdjian supplies them with weapons to fight against the border patrol.
HWAET
I don’t… what the… HUH?! Atticus’s neighbor is supplying people fighting the US border patrol? With explosives? With missiles?! What the wiggly piggly am I reading here? From what I’ve seen of Hearne’s beliefs, in this book and on his blog, I think we’re supposed to view this as a joke. But an antagonistic douchebag of Middle-Eastern descent who’s secretly helping criminals blow up border patrol agents sounds like something out of an insane, reactionary, anti-immigrant screed.
“Watch out! Your obnoxious, nosy Middle-Eastern immigrant neighbor might be betraying his fellow Americans by supplying explosive weapons to criminals, helping illegal immigrants sneak in and blowing up our brave law enforcement!”
What am I supposed to do with this, Hearne? Again, I suspect that’s not what you meant, but it’s what you wrote! It’s quite obviously what you wrote! A suburban elderly Lebanese man who sells weapons to help illegal immigrants get into the country! Does an editor not go over these things? I know this book was published over a decade ago (2011), but Unfortunate Implications existed then, too!
Right, so Leif is interrogating the mind-controlled Mr. Semerdjian, and Atticus is grabbing weapons left and right. Remembering that sometimes the witches of die Tiktoker des drippen Haugwarz use handguns, he also grabs a flak jacket–
…wait, what is a flak jacket, anyhow?
TO THE GOOGLE-MOBILE!
So, according to my intensive research of spending a couple of minutes on Google: a flak jacket is a bit of body armor designed to help protect you from things like shrapnel and bomb fragments. It is NOT meant to protect you from bullets. It may do that, depending on the type of gun used, and the particular jacket in question, and some other factors, but it’s not designed for that, and is not the best protection for it.
I’m going to slap Hearne with a
Did Not Do Homework: 23
They take the weapons, pack them into Leif’s car, and check on the house. Granny and Oberon are in there with three werewolves, watching the Extended Edition of Fellowship. One of the werewolves is Dr. Snorri! You know, the guy who patched up Atticus in the last book, and then gets shot full of silver needles to save his sorry butt? Yeah, him, they’re still friends because Atticus paid his hospital bill really quickly. Again, everyone in this book lives to serve the protagonist. You’d think he’d be mad about or horribly handicapped by the whole ‘getting shot full of silver needles’ thing, but no. That’s too inconvenient for our protagonist.
Make It Easy!: 29
Atticus grabs his swords, gets to the car, and tells Leif to stop interrogating Mr. Semerdjian.
Let’s go pick up the nice witches now so we can go kill the naughty witches.”
I’m sure this is supposed to be a clever/badass line to finish the chapter. It just sounds dumb, though.
Sorry that this one was a bit shorter, but we have a full chapter next time, as we head into the final battle! See you then!
Better Than You: 17
Did Not Do Homework: 23
The Kids These Days: 13
You Keep Using That Word: 36
Make It Easy!: 29
LAUGH, DAMNIT!: 40
1 I should note, though, that this apparently wasn’t too big of an issue in the first book. He talks more eloquently than Atticus, sure, but he doesn’t need anyone to explain to him the notion of crank calls or doggie bags for leftovers. He’s not that behind with the times.
Aikaterini on 29 February 2024, 20:17 said:
Aqua Net is a hairspray that was used to create popular 1960’s hairstyles like the beehive, but it was also used in the 1980’s by glam rock and hair metal bands. Basically, it was used for big hair. The Go-Go’s are an American all-female band that was popular in the 1980’s. Some of their hits were “Vacation”, “We Got the Beat,” and “Our Lips are Sealed.”
So, yeah, Atticus is basically saying that the witches look like a female rock band from the 1980’s.
Uh…what?
So, he’s going to fight a bunch of pregnant women. Women who were not previously stated to be pregnant at any point before this (unless I’m mistaken) and yet this little tidbit is included so casually here. Should I even ask how this happened and where their babies’ fathers are? After Atticus kills the witches (because that’s probably what’s going to happen), are the demons going to come after him in revenge? Or is the narrative going to treat it like it was a miraculous conception and the witches all got pregnant at the same time with demon babies all by themselves just because they’re evil? It’s just…what a random thing to include here.
And they’re probably having a much better time than we are with this book.
He should have drinks with the werewolf pack from the “Mortal Instruments” series, who saved Clary and Jace’s ungrateful rears, only to be attacked by Jace a book later.
First off, this sounds childish. Second of all, yes, the naughty witches who are pregnant. Yes, it’s with demon spawn, but that’s still such a weird thing to add to the dramatic showdown.
Juracan on 1 March 2024, 21:44 said:
I figured it was something like that, but I’m wondering how much of his core audience is going to get this reference.
Yeah this one’s on me. It is mentioned in an earlier chapter; I think when Malina first describes the evil witches. I just didn’t bring it up in the sporking, I think? Probably because it’s barely seen as important there, and it’s not mentioned again until they’re prepping for the final battle.
Either way, no, this is not given the weight it deserves.
They’re demons. I think that’s all we get.
I don’t think so? We find out in a throwaway joke in the final battle of this book that demons do actually care about family relations and stuff, but I don’t think the demon fathers of the babies in this one are particularly concerned or come up again. From what I can tell, most of the conflicts in the later books involve more deities and vampires.
Really, I think that this book and its villains are just filler until we get to the Asgard arc in the next book?
It is! I think it’s to go along with old-fashioned ideas of the activities witches get up to (which again, makes me think Hearne’s “consultant” on the topic was the Witchfinder General); in practice, it’s basically a power-up for the witches and puts a vague timeline on the events, because the witches giving birth to the demon babies would be bad, or something? No one really cares much about the morality of the issues inherent in cutting down pregnant women.
They’re evil. The babies are demons. It’s cool, just kill them, right? At least, that’s how Hearne seems to see it.
…yeah. “Protagonist-Centered Morality” strikes again.
It is a very weird thing! And we haven’t even gotten to the return of the fanatical who fights with his beard! Or Atticus fighting evil golems (a creature from Jewish folklore) created by the coven of antisemitic witches!
Oi. Buckle up.
Michael on 4 March 2024, 13:08 said:
Part of me is incredibly bothered by Atticus calling the witches naughty instead of wicked. It’s not like referencing the Wonderful Wizard of Oz is a stroke of genius, but Atticus loves himself his references and as is that line sounds pretty bad.
As for us being closer to the end than assumed so far… Well, seeing the note we end the chapter on it’s not too much of a shock. Once Druid-Man decides to get off his ass, the plot is going to get resolved pretty quickly, just because otherwise he’d actually have to struggle with overcoming his antagonist.
Still, that means the padding quota of the book was even worse than I assumed so far.
Faranae on 9 March 2024, 14:47 said:
This isn’t even proper “old-timey” English. If Hearne is not doing a Nordic accent, he could at least have Leif sound like he comes out of a Victorian or Regency novel. But “nth degree” is very modern, “heinous” is 80s, “atrocious” is… fine. Significantly better: “Appalling, simply dreadful I’m sure.” Or use a word in an older meaning that we no longer use, such as “Terrifically shocking old boy”.
When did that happen?! This seems like a lot of plot to just not bother writing, Hearne!
Two thousand years old, everyone.
And thus we establish that Hearne does not do his own cooking and has never encountered a campfire or fireplace in his life. Possibly, he doesn’t go outdoors on sunny days. The worst burn I ever got was a contact burn from an oven door. No fire, pure heat!
You know, while coyotes are terrible people, border patrol is worse, so the Walking Racist Stereotype is now a hero in my mind. And yeah, has Hearne ever said he’s ashamed of how he wrote the Leprechaun or Semerdjian? Because he should be. 2011 wasn’t ancient history.
Is Hearne capable of not being randomly, inexplicably offensive?
Juracan on 9 March 2024, 20:15 said:
Yeah, I guess that one’s right there. I don’t know why he didn’t go for it. Maybe “Wizard of Oz” is too old of a movie for Atticus/Hearne to care about? He thinks “old stuff” is lame so maybe that’s why it’s not referenced there.
I know, right? And it’s not even that the protagonist gets off his butt, it’s that the Plot sort of moves it along. Last time, it was because the bad guys took his friend/lawyer and dog, and this time it’s because they killed his employee while chasing him around the neighborhood.
…yeah. So much of this book is just…faffing about. Which is the same of the first book, too, I suppose. This one is at least establishing, however awkwardly, subplots that I think are meant to be more important in further books of the series.
It’s amusing that Hearne can’t even write intentionally stilted dialogue in a convincing way.
That’s on me. It’s mentioned in an earlier chapter (I believe when Malina is informing Atticus about the German coven), but I didn’t bring it up because the book didn’t seem to make a big deal out of it. So it slipped my mind.
That doesn’t mean it’s well-established, only that it’s my fault I didn’t bring this up before when it’s first described.
Yuuuuuuup.
I’ve seen fans answer with, “Yeah, it’s annoying modern slang, but it’s supposed to be! He’s overcompensating because he’s immortal!” Which is dumb, because a character intentionally being annoying while also obviously trying to be funny isn’t as clever a retort as they think.
This sounds like the kind of thing someone might write if they never actually thought about how any of the silly things like heat or physics work. Which might work fine in some books, but in the second chapter of the first book, Atticus tells the Morrigan that birds don’t have the proper throat structure to talk like humans, and he’ll constantly lecture the audience about what’s more realistic/practical.
Missing this feels really stupid.
I have no clue. Again, I know he co-wrote a book that was meant to be a “deconstruction of how fantasy is a white male power fantasy”, which felt downright WEIRD considering this book. If he’s ever apologized, I haven’t heard about it. I haven’t looked for it, though.
I don’t know! He really strikes me, from his writing (and I must put the disclaimer that not having met him or heard him speak, I really can’t say), as someone who paints himself as very progressive and accepting of everyone, while also casually throwing out offensive stereotypes, bizarre caricatures, and strange ideas that are offensive because he’s never stopped and thought about it for a few minutes.
[shrugs] I don’t have a clue, guys.
Brooklyn on 14 March 2024, 21:15 said:
Henious to the nth degree is slightly more descriptive than “save up to 15% or more”. Also, I know what to expect from Hearne, but the way I understood it, golems could either be brought to life by uttering God’s true name, which is either YHWH or YHVH with vowels, or writing emet (alef mem I-forget-it-makes-a-“t”-sound-though), or “truth”, on the forehead.
My 1948 (printed 1952) edition of Nathan Ausubel’s classic “Treasury of Jewish Folklore” has a telling of the Golem of Prague myth on pages 603-612. It claims its creator needed to fast, pray, get the right people (for the proper elements), chant unspecified kabbalistic “incantantions”, turn in circles, and quote the Torah (Bereshit/Genesis: “And he breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul”, per Ausubel.) And these were learned Jewish rabbis. Thing is, most antisemites just wouldn’t know how to. They’d need to learn. And pretty high up on the list of things that makes it harder to hate a group is learning about them. (Also, golems again? There are other creatures from Jewishh legend, like dybbuks, shedim, Lilith, Shamir the worm, et cetera. Come on, Hearne! You could misrepresent, tokenize, and Disneyify even more! And I’d be so excited to see them in a story I’d only be fairly ticked off at you!)
Anyway, happy pi day!