Author’s Note: This sporking is dedicated to No One. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Chapter Thirty-Eight – Gold & Silver

After Felipe finishes his dramatic speech it’s quiet for a bit until one of the elders gets up. He introduces himself as ‘Hilton’ and welcomes Maya and Joey:

“I belong to the senate and we salute you Maya and Joey. We bow down in front of you. We honor you and we are honored to have you here. We welcome you from the bottom of our hearts and we appreciate you being with us. We will do everything to serve you because you have served us first by conquering the seven bridges in the ‘Land of Maradonia’.” (page 279).

If you think that greeting sounds like overkill, you’re not alone. I’m not sure why he’s named after a hotel, and I’m also not sure what he means by saying Maya and Joey have served them. The seven bridges were personal tests for Maya and Joey (sort of, more on that later). They haven’t done anything that has benefited the people of Maradonia. One could argue that freeing the unicorns was a good thing, except Sagitta and Cato did that. Everything else they’ve done has only been for themselves. And once you factor in Joey’s test of their army, one could argue that they’ve done more harm than good. A lot more harm than good.

Felipe continues and talks about how Abbadon the son of Apollyon, along with seven other evil doers, is about to be released. This leads into what is probably the single greatest quote of this entire book:

It looks like Apollyon the ruler of the ‘Empire of the Underworld’ will start a total war against us when his son is finally released and will join with his companions ‘Apollyon’s club of evil’ (page 280).

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Seriously? The club of evil? Let me guess: do they have an Evil Clubhouse? Evil T-shirts? An Evil Newsletter? In the back of the Evil Newsletter, do they have a list of Evil Pen Pals you can write to? To any artistic minded readers, I will pay good money for a t-shirt that says Apollyon’s Club of Evil on it. Hell, I’d settle for a beautifully designed picture or letterhead.

Felipe doesn’t let up there, though:

“Our information is that Apollyon has called for a general meeting with all his agents to present to him the final ordinance survey map which we call the ‘strategic map’ to fight the war against us (page 280).

So it’s the last authoritative decree comprehensive appraisal of a situation map. I can see why they just call it the strategic map.

Senator Hilton looked at Maya and Joey. “You must not tell us your story again because we are very well informed not only by General Felipe but by ‘King Astrodoulos’.” (page 280).

I love that Hilton tells them, essentially, that he’s not interested in hearing their story again. It’s not even ‘you’d better not’, it’s ‘you MUST not’.

Apparently King Astrodoulos already knows trivial details about them, like about Hoppy and Joey’s teddy bear Fluffy, and even that Joey got Fluffy from his mother when he was three years old. How? He has deeper knowledge, whatever that means.

Hilton has the servants bring out refreshments. Tesch uses the word ‘livery’ correctly, which surprises me, and makes up for it by having Hilton explain that that doorknobs, plates, cups, forks, knifes (not knives), spoons, etc are all made from solid gold. This is rather problematic, because gold is a soft metal. Very soft. A gold-plated utensil would work quite well, and if you didn’t use your utensils for anything harder than soup and whipped cream, it might work, but otherwise this sounds like a very bad idea.

Tesch describes the palace in detail. The walls are “overlaid with red shinning gold” (page 281). Not shining. Shinning. Next, they go into the ‘Hall of Inspiration’:

Two golden cherubim’s were standing at the entrance with huge wings (page 282).

Apparently Tesch is not aware that cherubim is plural for cherub.

Hilton talks for another two and a half pages, mostly listing in excruciatingly detail the lists and numbers of different groups of people. It’s like those sections of the Bible that just spends pages listing genealogies. There’s a reason why no one ever quotes or reads from those parts, and it’s that nobody wants to read them because it’s boring. The same goes for these pages.

Hilton starts taking them across the city towards where King Astrodoulos is. As they go, they ask him about how many people live in the city. Hilton explains that there are the Maradonians, and the original inhabitants, the Gorgonians, who are descended from giants. Apparently the giants came to town and took woman to be their wives. This reminds me of the scene in the Bible where the sons of God start marrying the daughters of man, and their descendants were giants. But I’m sure that’s just a coincidence.

They head down a flight of 333 steps and get into some carriages that remind Joey of London, England. Not England. Not London. London, England. Joey explicitly states it that way. Yet another example of Tesch’s complete lack of an ear for dialogue.

Drinks: 54

Chapter Thirty-Nine – King Astrodoulos

As they ride along, Joey and Maya talk about what King Astrodoulos’s pad is going to look like. Joey guesses bricks of solid goal and the walls covered in jewels. They travel for a bit longer and stop at a stretch of green land with a few fruit trees, and Felipe announces that they have arrived at the King’s estate. Maya and Joey are stunned. Felipe leads them through the trees to a house that’s made of a wooden logs and isn’t shiny at all. They walk inside and immediately notice that the rooms are glowing with a warm light. It’s so bright that they can’t really see anything, until they get inside to where King Astrodoulos is sitting.

Then they saw Him (page 292).

There’s even a picture of Him:

Okay, not really, but I’m starting to get some vibes. Let’s see: Lives in a simple wooden hut. Check. Is unquestionably Good. Check. Glowing with light. Check. Cavorts with doves. Check. Has His pronouns capitalized. Check. Gives people warm feelings in their hearts when they look at Him. Check. Clothed in a simple robe. Check. Knows secrets about people without being told. Check. Wears sandals. Check. It’s not really that subtle. For those who weren’t convinced of this book being a blatant Narnia rip-off…

There’s a description of him, which sounds like pretty much like how any typical modern Christian would describe Jesus.

King AstroJesus gets up and starts talking about how he has the keys to the secrete chambers. Yes, the secrete chambers.

“I know that you resisted the evil powers when you were tested and conquered the seven bridges of temptation.” (page 293)

Hang on. Seven bridges of temptation? What temptations?

To recap, the seven bridges were:

1. Decision Test (Where they decided whether they would follow Arabella or the doves). I guess this was a temptation because Arabella was offering to make them rich.

2. Obedience Test (Where Sagitta rescued them after Joey fell into the river). Not about obedience or temptation.

3. Trespassing Test (Where Joey chopped the head off the snake with a kitchen knife). Theoretically you could argue that this was about trespassing, since they were walking past where a snake lives, but it certainly wasn’t about temptation.

4. Separation & Cleansing Test (Where Maya and Joey got separated because they are idiots and then Maya fell into a vat of toxic waste and almost died). Not about cleansing or temptation.

5. Peace Test (Where Sagitta and Cato rescued the unicorns and Maya and Joey stole the credit for). I guess there were some vague temptations here, but it certainly wasn’t about peace, and Maya and Joey certainly didn’t conquer it.

6. Food Test (Where Joey tried to make his army die of dehydration). Not tempting, not a test for Maya and Joey, and it was horrifically stupid.

7. Fire Test (Where Maya and Joey agreed to be barbecued in honor of Abbadon to save everyone else). Definitely a test that involves fire, not even remotely about temptation.

So yeah. AstroJesus is a moron. It gets really obvious with this next sentence:

“You are still so young and you have already reached such a high level of understanding and knowledge which the majority of your people in your world will never ever reach (page 293).

NO. BULLSHIT. SHUT UP, YOU FRAUD!

Is this girl serious? Has she actually deluded herself into thinking that Maya and Joey have reached a state of self-actualization with intelligence levels above most of the world’s population? Really, Tesch? You really want to go there?

AstroJesus explains that at the exact moment Maya and Joey walked into his house, Abbadon was released from his prison cells. We still don’t know why this happened.

Next, AstroJesus says that they’ve come at the right time. He gives speeches twice a day but people aren’t following his advice. People are deserting every day and don’t have a lot of hope. But he has a plan: he’s going to get some scribes to sit down and write out the story of everything that Maya and Joey have been up to. They will send this story out and it will inspire everyone and raise troops to join their army.

You have got to be kidding me.

Let me get this straight:

Maya and Joey’s story is, essentially, Maradonia and the Seven Bridges. So Gloria Tesch is saying that a character who is for all intents and purposes JESUS thinks that a story that she wrote will be more influential and persuasive than LIVE SPEECHES GIVEN BY JESUS. Yes. She has just said that she can write better than THE SON OF GOD.

The ego of this girl is staggering.

Drinks: 23

Tagged as: ,

Comment

  1. Tycho on 15 September 2010, 02:53 said:

    Jesus is cool and all, and I bet if he gave twice-daily sermons in person it would be alright, but it wouldn’t be nearly as awesome as my book.

    For real real, no play play.

  2. Dia on 15 September 2010, 07:56 said:

    How on earth do you read this?

    By the way – I’m totally all over that t-shirt designing.

  3. Lilan Jaku on 15 September 2010, 08:24 said:

    Oh, club! I love clubs. Where can I subscribe?
    For REALZ, Tesch must be the worst writer ever. In the whole history of mankind, I doubt there has ever been and will be more primitive and in some aspect, OK who am I kidding, many aspects offensive piece of crap. Those poor trees…

  4. TakuGifian on 15 September 2010, 08:38 said:

    Apologies to Allie.

  5. dragonarya on 15 September 2010, 09:18 said:

    To any artistic minded readers, I will pay good money for a t-shirt that says Apollyon’s Club of Evil on it.

    I’m pretty sure that can be done on Zazzle if you have a bit of time.

  6. melanthes on 15 September 2010, 09:23 said:

    the final ordinance survey map

    That’s especially funny if you’re British and have slightly more than no experience with maps. The main maps in the UK are Ordnance Survey maps. When I first read “ordinance survey”, I thought it was the same as the UK map (had to check the spelling on Wikipedia before I realised that it was actually misspelt). Ordnance Survey maps were also made for military purposes (hence ordnance) so strategic map is redundant…

  7. Charlotte on 15 September 2010, 09:59 said:

    Dear God, I’m amazed that you are still reading this tripe. Your sporkings are very good but you must have to buy brain bleach in bulk.

  8. swenson on 15 September 2010, 11:11 said:

    It looks like Apollyon the ruler of the ‘Empire of the Underworld’ will start a total war against us when his son is finally released and will join with his companions ‘Apollyon’s club of evil’ (page 280).

    :hopefully: Maybe it’s a physical club, like the thing you bash skulls in with?

    I love that Hilton tells them, essentially, that he’s not interested in hearing their story again. It’s not even ‘you’d better not’, it’s ‘you MUST not’.

    Well, hallelujah for that! Maybe even Tesch was getting bored of rewriting the entire story seven hundred times a chapter…

    Overall… wow. Especially about the pseudo-Jesus bit. I’m not sure if she just didn’t realize the Unfortunate Implications of what she was saying (that, basically, her writing is better than the Son of God’s) or if she genuinely believes it, but either way, it’s pretty bad!

    Oh dear. The next chapters are going to show Maya and Joey leading the army, though, right? So either it’s going to portray Jesus as an incapable, weak leader (if He doesn’t go to battle with them) or it’s going to portray Him as a worse leader than these two teenage kids. :headdesk:

  9. falconempress on 15 September 2010, 12:49 said:

    But…but…but I thought Fluffy was Jesus! Did Astroderpderp die for our sins? No, Fluffy did. KILL THE IMPOSTOR!

  10. Nate Winchester on 16 September 2010, 09:41 said:

    To any artistic minded readers, I will pay good money for a t-shirt that says Apollyon’s Club of Evil on it.

    You can design your own T-shirts at blue cotton.

  11. swenson on 16 September 2010, 11:41 said:

    :D

    Thanks, Nate!

    I felt pink was appropriate. And I REALLY want this shirt for real now.

  12. Kawnliee on 16 September 2010, 12:13 said:

    Nice! The smoldering tennis shoes adds an excellent touch. Admittedly, pink is not quite my color….but that shirt has a lot going for it.

    Now all we need is someone wearing the shirt to show up to one of Tesch’s book-signings.

  13. swenson on 16 September 2010, 12:35 said:

    I really wanted to put a picture of Apollyon on there, but I haven’t seen one from the book yet. That was the closest I could get.

    From an analytical perspective, it represents my desire for Maya and Joey to die in a fire. :)

  14. Licht on 16 September 2010, 13:12 said:

    These shoes always remind me of “Geox the shoes that breathe”.

    Listen to Jesus Jimmy Joey!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zFbc5MzAxk

  15. lookingforme on 16 September 2010, 13:50 said:

    I WANT THAT SHIRT!

  16. Artimaeus on 17 September 2010, 14:02 said:

    The walls are “overlaid with red shinning gold” (page 281). Not shining. Shinning.

    Bahahaha! Shinning? Did she not want to get sued by Steven King?

  17. Puppet on 19 September 2010, 01:02 said:

    I’m in Apollyon’s Club of Evil. We meet every Tuesday for Tea and Crackers and discuss our ‘Secret Plans For World Domination’. Its all quite complex and you probably wouldn’t understand.

  18. Asahel on 21 September 2010, 19:54 said:

    Everyone! I’ve just discovered that Gloria Tesch wrote a sign for WKU’s campus! Here it is:

    Many thanks to Nate for hosting the image for me.

  19. swenson on 22 September 2010, 15:07 said:

    :D Nice.

  20. YOURCREEPYSTALKER on 1 October 2010, 11:32 said:

    WHEN ARE WE GOING TO SEE SOME TTLY HAWT SLASH FICTION OF KING APOLLYON X ASTROJESUS. THAT’S WHAT THE PEOPLE WANT TO SEE GLORIA, THATS WHAT THE PEOPLE WANT TO SEE!!!11

    I LIEK THAT SHIRT, IT’LL LOOK NICE ON ASTROJESUS AFTER HIS AND APOLLYON’S NIGHT OF GUILTY PASSION.

    But seriously nao, for a kid of that age she really lacks in creativity. The whole story just feels exhausted and forced together, it doesn’t seem to have a plot, scenes just appear to fall out the sky.

    I hope that kid grows up, learns from sporks like this & improves. Though she can’t write you’ve got to admit she’s determined.

  21. swenson on 1 October 2010, 20:22 said:

    Oh! I totally forgot to post the pictures I took at the dentist’s office the other day! See, while I was waiting for the shot to kick in, I was bored, so… I was reading Cosmogirl. Or Seventeen, or one of those other magazines, I certainly don’t read them often enough to know/care which one it was. But I think some of the advertising in them was written by our very own Gloria Tesch…


    (and yes, I know that technically the first one isn’t actually wrong with quotation marks… but you certainly don’t usually use them inside a speech bubble!)

  22. Kloof on 5 October 2010, 18:32 said:

    King Apollyon’s Club of Evil. :B

    I just got the most inspirationally hilarious image….

    I am drawing my interpretation of this, even if I have to put about seven other projects aside to do so. Seriously. But for this image, I’ll have to figure out what the big baddy is supposed to look like… either I missed it in your earlier sporks (That’s more than likely… I think I forgot to read a couple of the earlier ones) or it was never actually described in the book.

    Slinks away into her corner to draw

  23. dragonarya on 5 October 2010, 18:50 said:

    @YourCreepyStalker:
    tries to resist urge to ship them, even if it’s just for the lulz

  24. YOURCREEPYSTALKER on 6 October 2010, 14:04 said:

    @Dragonarya DUN’T FIGHT TEH URGE!! D: THEY’RE TTLY HAWT TOGETHER DATS WHY I WROTE FANFIC!!111!11
    ahem
    I CALLZ IT “IN TEH ARMS OF HIS ENEMY
    Astrojesus wrappped his arms over the Apollyon’s slender shoulders, slumping lazily against his chest. In the sweet embrace of his arms he smelt the warm smell of his paris hilton perfume linger on his thick black robes drowning him in pleasure. He shivered a little as he felt apollyons cold hands slide over his back and through his blond hair thinking about how discusted Apollyon’s sons and the people of maridonia would be if they knew how he felt and what they had done. Astrojesus closed his eyes as he felt apollyon kiss his neck. Astrojesus debated his feelings for his enemy, trying to decide what had brought him here, love or lust? He couldn’t bare to think that Apollyon was just toying him around and using him because once in his cold arms he could forget about the annoying kids Maya and Joey that pester him and ruin maradonia. He could forget about the stupid maradonian people who follow Maya and Joey like they’re some sort of god and most of all he could forget about Gloria Tesch and her happy clappy cliches and charecters.
    In the arms of his enemy, he felt loved.
    0_0…

    DON’T DENY IT’S BEAUTIFUL….. i’ve gone too far….:D

  25. Subaru Crystal on 6 October 2010, 14:51 said:

    OH GOD RULE 34 spits up blood You’ve… gone too far… much too far… staggers, falls over dead

  26. YOURCREEPYSTALKER on 6 October 2010, 16:44 said:

    MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHARR >:D my first blood….

  27. fffan on 7 October 2010, 17:30 said:

    Hopefully this is tacky enough. At any rate, I did it in under five minutes and tried to make it as plagarised as possible :).

  28. swenson on 11 October 2010, 16:46 said:

    The Scrabble nights are a nice touch.

  29. Deborah on 31 October 2010, 09:37 said:

    LOL that T-shirt.

  30. Evil Imperialist on 25 October 2013, 21:43 said:

    “Hilton talks for another two and a half pages, mostly listing in excruciatingly detail the lists and numbers of different groups of people.”

    1. Perez or Paris ? Sorry, but it is just not possible not to ask. Is Perez preparing Joey for his first gay kiss – or does Paris want to be Maia’s BFF ? Or is Hilton both Perez & Paris, to different people or at different times ? Maybe Felipe is Hilton’s “squeeze”/BF. These things matter. “Club of evil” = gay bar ?
  31. “Astrojesus wrappped [[i]sic[/i]] his arms over the Apollyon’s slender shoulders, slumping lazily against his chest. In the sweet embrace of his arms he smelt the warm smell of his paris hilton perfume linger on his thick black robes drowning him in pleasure.”

    I rest my case. Tesch is clearly writing a slash fic based on Harry Potter slash fic ships (Try saying that quickly after 51 drinks !)