Chapter Eleven – Crossing the Veil

And suddenly something very strange happens. Dominatio projects a message into Maya’s mind that tells her one day, she and Joey will enter the Black Tower and liberate several of the children. Not all of the children. Several. I’m not sure what will happen to the hundreds of children who have disappeared inside. Maybe they’re dead. That would be cool.

Maya mind-replies (in italics) that she is ready to go to the Black Tower.

“Welcome…welcome to the Fifth Dimension, great Queen Maya! You have not only reached but also crossed the River of Time to the Fifth Dimension and now we can communicate freely with each other on the level of telepathy.” (page 86)

Yep. You can now add the skill of telepathy to all the rest of their ridiculous powers.

Dominatio reveals that Maya and Joey are going to rescue a family member from the Black Tower. Maya is surprised by this, because their parents and Benji are back in the U.S., but apparently they have more relatives than they might think. Interesting. I have no idea what he’s referring to here. Maybe Maya and Joey have a crazy badass uncle who also hangs out in Maradonia. Or maybe the Powers of Evil (using teamwork) sneak into Oceanside, kidnap Benji, and take him to the Black Tower.

Dominatio shares a bit of wisdom:

“Separation always comes before Liberation.” (page 87)

By this, he means that you have to separate yourself from your old way of living and thinking before you can be liberated into a new way of thinking. Which I can sorta kinda see his point, but I don’t think that’s true, I think you can adopt new ways of thinking and incorporate them into your old way of thinking.

Maya is ecstatic about her new skill, and suddenly she hears Libertine’s voice in her head. I guess Libertine is in the Fifth Dimension as well. Which does make sense. Maya asks Libertine to wait and chat later.

She pulls out her sword and announces that she is immediately leaving for Karthago and shouts out an inspirational message:

“Yesterday is already history…Tomorrow is still a mystery…but today is the generous gift of the deity!”

Electricity filled the air and prickled down the necks of the members (page 89).

I know I got chills reading that.

As if that wasn’t enough, everyone starts singing We Shall Overcome. Well. Chanting, I guess:

“Soon, very soon, we will overcome…. we will overcome…we will overcome…Soon, very soon, we will overcome the dark craft in the land…” (page 89)


Chapter Twelve – Back to Abilantis

Maya’s getting ready to leave. We get a couple of moderately well-written descriptive sentences which makes me wonder what the hell Tesch was smoking when she wrote the rest of this. Then she gets on Dasha and they fly and she flashes back to the advice Libertine gave her when she was in the hospital, about tasting the supernatural, being tough, and learning to open their minds to new things because of how awesome they are and more intelligent than the vast majority of the people on earth who are just consumers. Incredibly, although this goes on for a page and half, Maya is able to recall their entire conversation word for word.

Libertine starts talking to Maya about Dimensions and Libertine starts explaining what a Dimension is. It’s completely nonsensical and shows absolutely no understanding of the world we live in, but then again, this is Maradonia. Libertine misquotes Psalm 41:1 and then gives Maya a warning, because crossing the River of Time will give them even more powers over time:

“Especially be careful when you get angry and Balls of Fire appear on the palms of your hands.” (page 94)

Yeah. That’s yet another of Maya’s new powers. And apparently she’ll get more. Over time. Sounds like a convenient Deus ex Machina that will surface at some point just to get Maya out of a jam. Okay. Rant time. This is something that really, really pisses me off. It’s infuriating as hell and the mark of a bad writer. You cannot give your heroes some kind of skill that allows them to arbitrarily discover their new amazing powers at undetermined times in the future, and then pull them out later when they need something to bail them out of a jam. First of all, it’s completely unrealistic – people do not suddenly discover they have an amazing skill without trying to learn it and then practicing at it, extensively. Second, it’s poor writing. You’re basically admitting that you lack the skill as a writer to come up with a better way to get them out of this jam. And finally, it diminishes the characters, because they have to rely on random Deus ex Machinas to bail them out of their own incompetence.

We cut over to Joey, who is alerted that his sister will be arriving soon. He runs outside to wait and as soon as Maya arrives he runs over to hug and kiss her and tell her how much he missed her and how beautiful she looks. And I’m not making any of that up.

Maya excuses herself because nature is calling. After she takes a leak, they have a barbecue and Maya eats six [!] kingfish steaks. Eventually, she and Joey settle down with a couple glasses of mango juice and chat about their lives. Eventually they bring the subject around to dimensions, and Maya starts explaining it:

“The Third Dimension is basically the status in our old world in Oceanside. The Forth Dimension is our new experience in the legendary world of Maradonia and Tyronia and the Fifth Dimension is personal power over the elements.” (page 98)

I think that’s the Fourth dimension, Tesch, not the Forth.

They talk for a bit more until the conversation moves on to their trip to Karthago. Joey explains that they need to make friends with Karthago and beat the drum. Maya asks what beat the drum means. Yes. What does that mean?

“Maya, the person who beats the drum does not know how far the sound might go.” (page 100)

That doesn’t make any fucking sense.

I mean, it sorta makes sense, because unless the drummer is a fucking genius and knows precisely how loud the sound is and precisely how far the sound waves will carry, true, he doesn’t, but in context, as Joey’s statement, this makes no fucking sense.

Chapter Thirteen – Moon Light Escape

The coach leaves, driven by Melanie, who is wearing a soldier’s uniform and thinking about Kevin. Krimmy’s two maidservants, Jody and Jolena, are terrified because they don’t know what’s going on. I’m not sure why Krimmy is bringing them, then.

After an uneventful journey they arrive at the city of the griffins and Melanie calls a griffin couple named Artie and Aquila. Back in the day, Melanie saved them from the nets of the mountain dwarf hunters, who eat griffins….apparently. Anyway. They strap their luggage on, Krimmy gets on Artie and the maidservants get on Aquila, and they take off.

It’s very cold. But Krimmy is happy because she’s thinking about Joey. And it’s pretty:

Princess Krimhilda looked at the beautiful landscape beneath her and thought, _‘this flight is none like all the other common flights on the back of the griffins.’ (page 105)

Uh… what?

I have no idea what that sentence is supposed to mean.

Eventually they start crossing the Strait of Tyronia.

Chapter Fourteen – Captured

And then the Rawkens attack. The griffins take evasive maneuvers but this makes Krimmy lose her grip and fall off into the water. Now, the text says they’re three hundred feet above the surface of the water. From that height, hitting the surface of the water would probably turn Krimmy into scrambled eggs.

Artie heads down to try and save her, and the maidservants convince Aquila to head for Tyronia to alert Joey so he can send dragons to save Krimmy. They take off. Artie, meanwhile, tries to pull Krimmy from the water but the Rawkens keep attacking and also a pirate ship is approaching and they start shooting arrows at him. A couple arrows hit him, and he takes off.

The pirates throw a net into the water and fish Krimmy out. They’re brown and sweaty and very uncouth. And then the captain comes out:

The most feared man of the seven seas had arrived, Geierkralle, the Shadow Monarch of Tyronia (page 111).

Oh no!

Krimmy is horrified. The pirates are rather happy.

“A young beauty, she is!” One of the pirates announced and as he smiled he revealed several of his yellow or missing teeth (page 111).

Well, which are they, yellow or missing? They’re kind of hard to mistake for each other.

The Dread Pirate Geierkralle looks her over and decides she’ll make a fine slave to sell at the slave market. He orders the pirates to chain her up. Look, Geierky, I’m not trying to tell you how to do your job, but here’s the thing: if people suddenly plummet out of the sky in the middle of the ocean and land in the water, you might want to ask them some basic questions about who they are and what their story is. I’m not saying every one of them will be a princess, but they probably have access to money and could be ransomed.

Anyway. I am delighted by the idea of Krimmy being sold into slavery. I am hoping this happens.

Chapter Fifteen – Uncontrolled Temper

And….we’re back in Gorgonia.

When breakfast was served, Queen Brunhilda looked around. Something seemed different. The queen sensed something was wrong (page 113).

Huh. I wonder what that could be?

At her left side, the chair where Princess Krimhilda usually sat was empty (page 113).

Honestly, if someone always ate breakfast with you, and always sat right next to you, I doubt you’d sit there with the odd sensation that something is wrong and have to look around to figure it out. I think you’d just notice they weren’t there.

Brunhilda heads up to Krimmy’s room and finds a note there. Tesch gives us the entire note in a special handwriting font. The note itself is brilliant, but I’m only going to quote one part:

I will fly to Tyronia, and by the time you read this I may already be there. I want to live my own life…without you bossing me around.

I’m sick and tired of fighting with you!

I feel I am in a prison. And I’ve been pressured after all these years, I have no real friends.

Thank you for being a great sister (page 114).

The terrible sentence structure aside…Krimmy really needs to make up her mind. Either Brunhilda is a bitch or she’s a great sister.

The note ends with Krimmy putting a little red heart next to her name. But Brunhilda is furious. She quickly realizes Krimmy is too much of a dunce to have thought this up by herself, and heads off to find Melanie.

Brunhilda’s body loomed over Skinny Minnie Melanie’s like a huge tower (page 115).

Skinny Minnie Melanie? Really?

Melanie launches into a speech about how the sisters fight all the time and Krimmy deserves better. Brunhilda bashes her across the face. Balthazar, Brunhilda’s husband, runs in and tries to calm Brunhilda down. He also agrees with what Melanie did. In a rage, Brunhilda throws some wine glasses everywhere and storms off.

Melanie screams in pain, because her jaw is broken, which I think would keep you from doing any screaming. Melanie can’t bare the pain, and yes, it’s written as bare. Balthazar summons a doctor.

Brunhilda goes outside, and after awhile she calms down and starts feeling bad about what’s happened. So she goes inside and apologizes about breaking Melanie’s jaw and knocking two teeth out.

Melanie answered with a painful smile (page 118).

You know, I’m not entirely sure Tesch understands the concept of “broken jaw” here.

Then Brunhilda sits down and starts to cry.

Drinks: 66

Tagged as: ,


  1. swenson on 19 December 2011, 00:14 said:


    …I’ll think of something more coherent to say later.

  2. LoneWolf on 19 December 2011, 00:45 said:

    Oh, the drama, the drama! Maradonia is filled with Emotions and Feelings!

  3. BlueMask on 19 December 2011, 01:24 said:

    I really need to get my mind out of the gutter, because ‘spherical objects composed of flame’ wasn’t the first thing to jump to my mind when I read “Balls of Fire’.
    On another note, I am now absolutely positive that this is a troll fic. A very elaborate troll fic, because GT went to all the effort to publish it.
    Because, really, how could someone write something like this seriously?

  4. Requiem on 19 December 2011, 01:52 said:

    I just thought of something…what if in a few million years pass and humans die out and somehow a few of these books survive and whatever mildly intelligent new life forms take this maradonia book as their new holy book.

  5. BettyCross on 19 December 2011, 09:18 said:

    The griffins-and-rawkens episode from chapter 14 was the one Gloria partially read on the radio for WKID.

  6. BettyCross on 19 December 2011, 09:24 said:

    Because, really, how could someone write something like this seriously?

    We all remember our early fictional efforts and how great we thought they were. That’s how.

    What amazes me is that her parents think this stuff is of such quality they can publish it for everyone to read and make a movie of it.

  7. Kurt on 19 December 2011, 09:52 said:

    A bad case of stage parenting. If the Tesches tell that their genius teenage daughter has published three eight nine six books, very few are going to suspect how bad the books really are. I once had a theory that Gloria was trolling her parents by writing badly on purpose. However, I now think that she’s just ‘totally’ deluded.

    Also, I called that Krimmy was going to be captured! (Which was not that hard, because I had heard the snippet Gloria read on the radio). Look Rorschach, you can’t be so evil to say that Krimmy should be forced to work! King Joey the Stuish is going to come and save her from the Dreaded Pirate Geikrash.

  8. Fell Blade on 19 December 2011, 11:11 said:

    “Soon, very soon, we will overcome…. we will overcome…we will overcome…Soon, very soon, we will overcome the dark craft in the land…” (page 89)

    I read this and immediately starting thinking of some old gospel hymn… “Soon and very soon, we are going to see the King. Soon and very soon, we are going to see the King. Hallelujah, hallelujah, we are going to see the King.” Lol, Tesch…

    The Dread Pirate Geierkralle looks her over and decides she’ll make a fine slave to sell at the slave market.

    What, he’s got the legendary “Goldie Cape” in his power and that’s the best he can come up with? Locks of Love, man! Come on!

    Look Rorschach, you can’t be so evil to say that Krimmy should be forced to work! King Joey the Stuish is going to come and save her from the Dreaded Pirate Geikrash.

    I’m thinking Tesch will rip off “Voyage of the Dawn Treader” and have Joey show up at the market during an auction and set her free (along with the rest of the slaves, forcing the slavers and pirates to turn over all the money they just got).

  9. Soupnazi on 19 December 2011, 12:45 said:

    …I don’t even know what this book is about any more.

  10. Requiem on 19 December 2011, 12:52 said:

    It’s okay soup nazi, this book is like seinfield it has no real point. It is much ado about nothing.

  11. BettyCross on 19 December 2011, 14:17 said:

    Seinfeld was deliberately funny. This is unintentionally hilarious.

    I’ll never forget the mermaids who escaped the Evil Empire riding on the backs of unicorns.

  12. Fireshark on 19 December 2011, 15:15 said:

    What if in a few million years pass and humans die out and somehow a few of these books survive and whatever mildly intelligent new life forms take this maradonia book as their new holy book.

    I always fear that the worst of our culture is what the archaeologists find. But that… is just too terrifying for words.

    The worst of Maradonia:

    10. Every mangled Bible quote
    9. “Food effect’s your mood!” (I forget how she spelled it, I just remember it sucked)
    8. “Gothic Movement”
    7. “Rawkens”
    6. “Mother Earth Song”
    5. “I never knew the darkness could be so dark.”
    4. “Goldie cape”
    3. “Evil Empire”
    2. “Skinny Minnie Melanie”
    1. “Tough Robbie”

    The best of Maradonia:

    “But what about poison?”

  13. Ridureyu on 19 December 2011, 16:10 said:

    “…And that’s why we call it the Present.”

    She really missed the whole point of the pun, didn’t we? Tesch is the literary world’s equivalent of “Why don’t you makelike a tree and get out of here?” or “I’m gonna punch you like a drum!”

  14. Kurt on 19 December 2011, 17:40 said:

    I’ll never forget the mermaids who escaped the Evil Empire riding on the backs of unicorns.

    I’ll never forget when the mermaid with the “diarrhea of words” got bitch-slapped. That was a truly unique moment in fantasy literature.

    @Ridureyu: I think Gloria owns a book with quotes. When she gets tired of her own writing, she throws in a random quote to make the text sound wiser.

  15. LoneWolf on 19 December 2011, 17:51 said:

    You don’t understand Maradonia at all. In her Maradonia-Saga, Gloria Tesch boldly experiments with post-modernism. While some critics would complain about the dubious morality, the way in which she introduces and drops plot threads during one chapter, and pulls new random events out of thin air that make little sense, she’s doing something quite clever: she’s commenting on the structure of the fantasy novel, and the fundamental inessentiality of the genre. The fight against evil and for the truth is hailed by the characters, Maya and Joey, but the readers can see the ultimate pointlessness of it all. Tesch suggests that fighting for the truth is pointless and meaningless, for what is truth? In a world where reality is just a social construct, absolute “sense” cannot be found, and the solution to the fantasy heroes’ problems, when it comes, will inevitably be nonsensical.

  16. Ridureyu on 19 December 2011, 18:14 said:

    @Kurt But she didn’t…finish…the quote. Or apply it. She halfassed it spectacularly.

  17. Kurt on 19 December 2011, 18:34 said:

    @Ridureyu: Maybe she thinks that if she alters her quotes, we won’t be able to find their original source.

    Also, it would be unheard for her to apply a quote so it makes sense. Maybe it does in her brilliant mind, but it sure doesn’t for us.

  18. WulfRitter on 19 December 2011, 18:36 said:

    Welcome to the fifth dimension, eh? I think we can now add Rod Serling to the list of people who should rise from their graves and begin b*tch slapping.

    “There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call The Twilight Zone.”

  19. Kurt on 19 December 2011, 18:38 said:

    You don’t understand Maradonia at all.

    NO I DON’T. And somehow, I don’t get your explanation either, LoneWolf. I must be very stupid. :)

  20. BettyCross on 19 December 2011, 18:44 said:

    Thank you, LoneWolf. Now I understand the Maradonia books for what they are — a masterpiece of absurdist fiction.

  21. Ridureyu on 19 December 2011, 19:14 said:


    I’m still pretty sure it’s “Make like a tree and get out of here.” She can’t comprehend why the original saying is witty.

  22. Vikingboybilly on 19 December 2011, 19:45 said:

    It looks like Gloria picked the Karthago plotline back up again. Finally. It was only the dramatic cliffhanger of the last book and it wasn’t even mentioned again until now.

  23. Prince o' Tea on 19 December 2011, 20:17 said:

    Jesus Christ in a Cocktail Dress. What is Tesch’s massive hardon about “consumerism” and “materialism”? People who are actually concerned about such things don’t try and sell their literary potty training for hundreds and hundreds of dollars, for a start. Unless she has literally no idea what these words mean. She clearly has no idea what a “dimension” is for a start.

    As for Krimmy’s little goodbye, I am guessing she was trying to be a sarcastic little bitch to Muscle Princess. At the very least the sudden swap between “U DONT UNDERSTAND ME I HAET U 4EVA IM GOING TO RIET MEAN THINGZ ABOUT U ON MAI LIVEJOURNALLLLL CUZ U RUINED MAH LIEF” and “ OH UR A GR8 SISTA LUV U XXXX” at the very least makes it sound very insincere. The little love heart just clinches it.

    And just think, Krimmy has got her wish! Now she doesn’t have to worry about all those jewels and fashions and servants she never wanted, and she can make lots of new friends in the slave market.

  24. Prince o' Tea on 19 December 2011, 20:23 said:

    Also Fireshark you disappoint me.

    Don’t You Love the Salsa Dance? Or the Glowing Heat Cushion of Burning Snowflakes? Or that this indeed a very serious child? What of the Goffik Movement? Or “Hold my hands and save me o lord!”

    Seriously, its a shame Maradonia is still pretty obscure. Its actually pretty meme-tastic. “But what about poison” is the best of course, but my favorite will always be “We Love the Salsa Dance”.

  25. Requiem on 19 December 2011, 20:59 said:

    One day someone will write a book dealing with the philosophical brilliance of maradonia. The nihilistic outlook on life portrayed in the story, the characters lost in place and time of which no one is certain, the existential questioning of truth and meaning, and the battle between materialism and idealism. Truly philosophers will bow down to the brilliance of this book one day just as they do to Nietszhes Thus Spoke Zarathustra, Sartre’s Being and Nothingness, and Plato’s/Socrates writings.

  26. Fireshark on 19 December 2011, 21:08 said:

    Me: I own a book of quotes.

    Tesch: Then why the hell don’t you quote them??!! D:<

  27. Fireshark on 19 December 2011, 21:15 said:

    Ooh, the glowing heat cushion of burning snowflakes! Forgot. That’s gotta be up there.

    I still say Tough Robbie is the king of stupid Maradonia stuff. I mean, doesn’t his very name strike terror into the hearts of even the most courageous?

    But yeah, I wish more people knew about Maradonia; the memes would be amazing.

  28. Prince o' Tea on 19 December 2011, 22:14 said:

    I know. Before you can even recover from Brawn Brandon, along comes Tough Robbie. The books really deserve more viral attenshun.

    Also, when are the three fairies coming back? They were some of the most entertaining characters in the books. Especially Ceara, and the whole “You are the most beautiful black person in the Evil Empire!” schtick. Apparently Gertrude is a mommy and has halfing daughters, but the three of them haven’t turned up for a while.

    I think Joey alone could fill up a book, with his awful ice cream koans and many many butchered attempts to sound deep/profound/intelligent. He’s a lot more memorable then Maya.

  29. Saai on 20 December 2011, 00:59 said:

    HAHAHAHA. Not only did Maya get the power of telepathy, among all other powers, but she also gets the skill to make extra spicy meatballs.
    Seriously— Balls of fire only reminds me of Maya standing, hands holding up meatballs the size of a tennis ball.
    I wonder if I could get a PDF so I can witness the awfulness myself. Then again I’ll probably have to get a thicker glasses after I finished.

  30. prince of tea on 20 December 2011, 01:02 said:

    The power to control the elements… I’m getting horrible flashbacks to My Inner Life.

    On the plus side at least Gloria isn’t trying to write full on graphic sex scenes, and she’s not butchering the Zelda canon or any canon besides her own.

  31. T on 20 December 2011, 07:39 said:

    Is this the worst book ever written?

    Can Geierky save you 10% on your pirate ship insurance?

    “… wtf is this?”

  32. Kurt on 20 December 2011, 12:59 said:

    I wonder if I could get a PDF so I can witness the awfulness myself.

    Gloria has written that she’s going to publish Maradonia as e-books. If she sells the for a low enough price, the books should get the viral attention they deserve.

    …at least Gloria isn’t trying to write full on graphic sex scenes…

    Just wait until she releases Maradonia and the Unleashed Beast.

  33. Requiem on 20 December 2011, 13:49 said:

    The unleashed beast…probably going to be the apocryphal ending to Maradonia. One can expect to see biblical references from revelation and who knows maybe astrojesus will come. But one question still remains…

    what about poison?

  34. Prince o' Tea on 20 December 2011, 14:28 said:

    I’ve asked Gloria several times if she knows that in a lot of places, unleashing the beast is slang for masturbation but she never replied, and is still keeping the name. Silly girl.

    I wonder if Unleashed Beast and Lost Secret of Kra(p) are actually going to be four novels, since Gloria has split her first three books in half (the first half of Battle for the Key is now Law of Blood). Gloria said she always had an idea for nine books in her saga, so does that mean we are (potentially) going to end up with eighteen books (though I think Team Tesch has ran out of moolah.) I always thought she split her books in half in an attempt to sound more important (five books is a bigger number then three), or she could be trying to get to her number of nine books faster.

    Who knows what happens in the mind of a Tesch?

  35. BettyCross on 20 December 2011, 16:41 said:

    Who knows what happens in the mind of a Tesch?

    It’s a mind that can imagine, without embarrassment, mermaids riding on unicorns.

  36. BettyCross on 21 December 2011, 11:04 said:

    Here’s a local newspaper article about the Tesches from September 2008, for those who haven’t seen it already.

  37. Fell Blade on 21 December 2011, 11:48 said:

    Well, there you have it. That explains a lot.

  38. Kitty on 21 December 2011, 18:59 said:

    From that:

    “I have a big imagination,” she says with a smile, eyes brightening. “With my imagination, I can write a hundred of these books.”

    And plagiarize from the Bible, and steal ideas from other, better fantasy stories, and write horrifying shit like the ouija board slaughter scene…

  39. BettyCross on 21 December 2011, 19:36 said:

    The books are a family enterprise. Pop and Bro provide ideas, Mom draws the illustrations, and Gloria writes the “ideas” down. It’s easier to see now why the whole family feels invested in the works.

  40. Fireshark on 21 December 2011, 21:00 said:

    Is it wrong that the only thing I raged at in that article was that Ms. Tesch was ever an art teacher? She’s not the worst artist ever, but she’s made enough bad drawings to convince me she shouldn’t be teaching. I mean, she doesn’t even get proportion, most of the time.

    Honestly, Maradonia would have been harmless if they didn’t try to sell it. The way they describe it in the article, it sounds like a fun family project… that should never have seen the light of day.

  41. Prince o' Tea on 22 December 2011, 01:19 said:


    As arrogant as this sounds, it’s actually one of the least conceited things Glo has said about herself.

    Urgh, the thought of having Mama Tesch for an art teacher makes me cringe. She has done some truly horrible drawings, and she seems to have little grasp on proportion, color theory, anatomy ect. Plus she seems genuinely unable to tell the difference between her terrible drawings, her mediocre ones and her good ones.

  42. Prince o' Tea on 22 December 2011, 01:24 said:

    Also we now find out what Gerry Tesch’s doctorate was in. Theology. Thought it would be something religious based.

  43. Requiem on 22 December 2011, 02:21 said:

    Does theology really count as a real degree?

  44. Erin on 22 December 2011, 02:34 said:

    OF COURSE Maya is based on Gloria. I mean, we all already knew that, but it’s nice to get some confirmation.

  45. prince of tea on 22 December 2011, 03:14 said:

    I didn’t know Joey was based on her brother. At least he’s not a naughty horse who takes drugs, but merely a sociopathic little shit who vomits ice cream koans.

  46. Fell Blade on 22 December 2011, 09:53 said:

    She also encouraged her daughter to include the things she loved in the book. As a result, doves spotted in the yard and crickets heard at night, as well as childhood favorites unicorns and mermaids, became characters.

    Now we know who to blame. “Just throw it all in there, honey. If you love it, all of your readers will too, and more is always better in books!!!”

    I agree with Fireshark, it would have been an interesting family project. But don’t go out and try to publish said project and laud it as a great literary triumph and expect people to take it seriously.

  47. BettyCross on 22 December 2011, 10:23 said:

    Does theology really count as a real degree?

    In America at least, universities do issue Doctor of Theology degrees, which are equivalent to Doctor of Philosophy. Doctor of Divinity, on the other hand, is usually an honorary degree.

    I’m speaking only about the USA here, of course.

  48. Fell Blade on 22 December 2011, 10:48 said:

    Ok, I found this other article which basically says a lot of the same stuff that the Tesch PR has put out before. But there is one typo in this article that makes it absolutely hillarious! Link

    Maradonia is a Technicolor, vibrant land filled with danger and surprises around every corner. It is a classic tale of goof versus evil with a contemporary twist.

    Yes, you heard right. A tale of “Goof” vs “Evil”! =D

  49. Requiem on 22 December 2011, 11:42 said:

    Theology is more or less a subset of philosophy in a way, the only problem with it is the person already thinks they know all the answers to reality as opposed to philosophers who must do the hard work. Yeah theology is only good in the USA and some parts of rome/italy i’d suppose.

  50. Kurt on 22 December 2011, 12:43 said:

    Gerry Tesch is D.D. – Doctor of Divinity. That’s what it says in the dedication in Maradonia and the Seven Bridges . ( I own a copy. )

  51. Fireshark on 22 December 2011, 14:32 said:

    Here’s what Wikipedia has to say on the topic.

    Doctor of Divinity (D.D. or DD, Divinitatis Doctor in Latin) is an advanced academic degree in divinity. Historically, it identified one who had been licensed by a university to teach Christian theology or related religious subjects.

    In the United Kingdom, Doctor of Divinity has traditionally been the highest doctorate granted by universities, usually conferred upon a religious scholar of standing and distinction.

    In the United States the Doctor of Divinity is usually awarded as an honorary degree.

    I don’t know what applies to Mr. Tesch, but this might be helpful.

    @Requiem I disagree, as I don’t think theology is always what you think it is. I would regard it as simply a subset of philosophy, dealing exclusively with spiritual and religious topics. I am not religious, but theology is still a very interesting field to me. Perhaps a degree in the topic means you are more sure of yourself, but I think theologians can still do some real thinking. I think you might be confusing theology with apologetics, where they are trying for a specific outcome.

  52. BettyCross on 22 December 2011, 15:19 said:

    Yes, you heard right. A tale of “Goof” vs “Evil”! =D

    A major goof, I must say. This sort of typo is easy to fix. One more testament to the slapdash writing methods of Team Tesch.

  53. LoneWolf on 22 December 2011, 15:33 said:

    I also like that in one of her newsletters, Gloria told us that her story is a war “between good versus evil”. Think of it. Not “between good and evil”, but “versus evil”.

  54. Prince o' Tea on 22 December 2011, 16:16 said:

    Wait… what? Between good versus evil? Honestly her family have absolutely no common sense whatsoever. Sending out first drafts without reading them is an excellent way to make yourself look foolish.

    Oh this how I picture Queen Brunhilda looking and sounding, btw. If she was a robot I’d picture her sounding like the Crushinator from Futurama.

    Well at least it’s an actual doctorate. I always thought it would be something like Truthology or Christology from Christian Science Tech. Or he just made up the Dr part considering his family’s on again/off again relationship with reality. Similar to most people don’t believe Stanek’s actual accomplishments in the army because pretty much every other thing that comes out of his mouth is a half truth at best.

  55. BettyCross on 27 December 2011, 19:58 said:

    On the Tesch family’s computer is what members regard as inspired writing.

    Yeah, once upon a time I thought my first drafts were inspired too. That was before I learned how much better a narrative can become with revision.

  56. Vikingboybilly on 27 December 2011, 20:27 said:

    I have to say, and I’m sorry to admit this Rorscach, but the direct quotes from the books are waaaaaaay funnier than the second-hand commentary of the content. I wish they were free so I could have copies.

    Actually, I’m almost willing to give the Tesches money if it means they’ll have the funds necessary to print more sequels.

  57. Requiem on 27 December 2011, 21:15 said:

    hmmm what sequels could come after the unleashed beast?

    Maradonia and the twelve sporknights of doom

    Maradonia and the remnants of the club of evil

    Maradonia and the fifth dimensional paradox

    Maradonia and creature from out of time

  58. Prince o' Tea on 27 December 2011, 23:33 said:

    Maradonia and the Unicorn People that Queef Endangered Butterflies
    Maradonia and the Pink Sparkling Crystal of Sue
    Maradonia and the Ten Thousand Deus Ex Machinas
    Maradonia and the Fountain of all Ice Cream Koans
    Maradonia and the 45th Birthday of Gloria Tesch

  59. LoneWolf on 28 December 2011, 00:59 said:

    Yeah, a 70-year-old Gloria Tesch presenting the 50th instalment in the Maradonia-saga would be a both funny and sad thing to watch.

  60. BettyCross on 28 December 2011, 15:46 said:

    Maradonia and creature from out of time

    As I’ve said before, I don’t want her borrowing from H P Lovecraft. That would kill too many of my brain cells.

  61. Requiem on 28 December 2011, 19:47 said:

    She already has in a sense done that.

  62. Prince o' Tea on 28 December 2011, 20:23 said:

    I would say Maradonia was either created by an Eldritch Abomination, or is one itself.

  63. Fireshark on 28 December 2011, 20:27 said:

    Maradonia and the Nasty Website that Mocks Young Authors

    Maradonia and the Book of Quotes

    Maradonia and the One Ring

    Maradonia, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

    Maradonia and the Balls of Apollyon (Apollyon would have some kind of magic ball or something)

  64. Catflap on 23 March 2012, 01:23 said:

    “I have a big imagination,” she says with a smile, eyes brightening. “With my imagination, I can write a hundred of these books.”

    1. Sounds like an Eldritch Abomination.
  65. “Does theology really count as a real degree?”

    1. Both outside the US, and inside. There are a lot of different theology degrees, just as in many other subjects. Theology is one of the oldest university disciplines. I have an M.A. & B.A. in it, from an English university, which is how I know :)

    To add to the book-list: Elric of Maradonia

  66. HamsterZerg on 15 December 2013, 19:38 said:

    Maradonia and the Four Dark Masters

    Maradonia faces the Zerg Rush

    Maradonia vs. Prince Ash the Dead Rabbit

    Maradonia and the Fears

    Maradonia Burns on the 4th Wall

    Maradonia Becomes Triassic Park

    Maradonia and the Invasion of Malware

    Maradonia and the Zombie Apocalypse

    Maradonia Gets Nuked

    Maradonia Gives Up

    Maradonia Gives Up 2

    Maradonia and the Really Annoying Guy Known as HamsterZerg, as Ghost-written by HamsterZerg

    Maradonia and the Galactic Extinction Event