Chapter Fourteen – Perfect Timing

In a fresh breeze, the sunshine of the morning poured through Joey’s window (page 110).

Maybe this is a bit nitpicky, but sunshine can’t be “in” a breeze. That’s not the way sunshine works.

Joey gets dressed and heads downstairs where he hears his parents talking. Apparently his Aunt Sarah has been battling cancer, the doctors only give her a month to live, and she wants to see them all before she kicks the bucket. Joey’s parents have decided that Aunt Sarah’s ten-year-old son, Andy, will live with them after she dies (her husband is already dead).

Aunt Sarah wrote them a letter, so Joey’s father reads it:

To the Swanson Family,

Lately I have been under a lot of pressure and stress. The doctor said I wouldn’t make it with my fight against cancer.

Everyone has to die, some earlier… some later, rich or poor, it doesn’t matter. Because we will all be in the ground sooner or later…

Please come, visit me as soon as you can. I want to spend my last moments on this earth with my beloved family.

I don’t know what I will do with my little antique store.. But please come… as soon as you can!

Sincerely, Aunt Sarah (pages 111-112)

Okay. So we finally learn Maya and Joey’s last name – it’s Swanson. Setting that aside, she’s their aunt. She’s really going to address the letter with a cold, impersonal, “To the Swanson Family”? And Tesch thinks she would sum up her upcoming death as “I’ve been under pressure and stress?” I mean, yes, she would be, but I doubt she’d phrase it that way. Finally, Tesch expects us to believe that Aunt Sarah would specifically point out that she doesn’t know what to do with her antique store…but not even mention the 10-year-old kid she’s leaving behind?

Joey pops into the kitchen, reveals that he’s heard everything, and tells his parents that they should go visit Aunt Sarah and take Benji with them to get things squared away. He can keep an eye on Maya and keep going to school.

Finally his parents came to the conclusion that the timing for the trip was perfect (page 113).

I don’t care how well the timing works out. A trip to visit a beloved family member who is about to die from cancer cannot be perfect timing.

His parents have some nice things to say about him, though.

“Joey is strong and he is a responsible person. We can trust him.” (page 113)

They don’t know their son at all.

His parents pack their stuff up and take off, saying they’re going to stop at the hospital and say goodbye to Maya before they leave. Joey says goodbye:

“Greet Maya from me” (page 114)

Try and imagine that phrase coming out of a 14-year-old boy’s mouth.

His parents leave and Joey is delighted with the turn of events:

Joey thought, “This is perfect! This is absolutely perfect! Our parents left with little Benji to visit Auntie Sarah. [snip] It’s high time to go. We are ready to go back to the Land of Maradonia just at the most perfect timing!” (page 114)

Your ‘Auntie Sarah’ is ABOUT TO DIE FROM CANCER, YOU SOCIOPATHIC LITTLE PRICK! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU???

We cut over to Maya, who is chilling out in her hospital room feeling like peaches and cream. The doctor checks her over and is amazed because except for her fingers, she’s completely healed. Dr. Harrison even calls in Dr. Murphy and both doctors are amazed and don’t know what’s going on.

Chapter Fifteen – Familiar Faces

Maya, at least, is depressed by the contents of Aunt Sarah’s letter, which kinda fits. Maya occasionally has traces of real human emotion, whereas Joey is a stone cold forest-fire-setting sociopath.

Joey shows up, gives Maya her Tarnkappe and they walk out of the hospital, invisible. As they go, they see a stretcher with a corpse with a sheet over it. Joey says that he recognizes the military boots as belonging to Alana Terrence. Maya busts out a hilarious Nugget of Wisdom:

“Just because someone has the same shoes does not mean it is the same person,” Maya replied (page 118).

Joey agrees, but he recognizes the shoelaces. Because he dragged Alana around by her shoelaces. Apparently she has very recognizable shoelaces. However:

“In my invisible situation I am unable to ask the two nurses to pull the bed sheet and show me the face of this person.” (page 118)

Yeah. And even if you were visible I’m pretty sure nurses don’t just show corpses to kids who want to see them.

Two tall women come in and share a brief conversation with the two nurses, revealing to any alert reader that this is actually Suttie and Cassie on their way up to Maya’s room. The nurses, as it turns out, happen to know that right before Alana died she told her mother that she hated her. How do they know this? No logical reason.

Anyway, Joey realizes the two tall women are Suttie and Cassie, so they take off.

Chapter Sixteen – We Found Them!

Maya and Joey get home and take their Tarnkappes off. However….it turns out that Big Bertha and a couple of her fellow ravens have just landed on the roof of their house. How they found the house, I don’t know. Maybe they can read street signs. In English. Anyway, Bertha looks through the skylight and recognizes them and yells “BINGO!”

Big Bertha’s sisters, Beebe and Dodoo asked, “What does it mean, Bingo?”

“Bingo means Bingo! We found them!” (page 123)

They have a point. Ravens from Maradonia probably wouldn’t know what bingo means.

This leads into a hilarious scene where Bertha has to explain what the fuck they’re doing there and who they’re looking for. Turns out her sisters don’t even remember. Bertha expresses the desire that they had been killed by Joey as well, a desire I share. Eventually Bertha tells them to keep an eye on the house while she goes to fetch Plouton.

We cut to Libertine, who gets Maya’s attention at the back door – how, I don’t know – and tells them the powers of darkness are approaching rapidly and they need to get the fuck out of Dodge.

We cut over to Big Bertha, who shows up at Plouton’s flying fortress. Everyone is sitting around the fireplace. Apparently the spaceships have fireplaces.

Plouton bitches about how powerful they are and how ridiculous it is that they haven’t found Maya and Joey. Bertha pipes up and asks if she can say something. This leads to a page of Suttie telling Bertha that she’s basically worthless and Bertha smirking until finally Bertha reveals that she found Maya and Joey.

Suttie yells at Bertha and calls her stupid, which is par for the course for Bertha. Everyone packs up and takes off to go kill Maya and Joey. I can only hope they succeed.

Chapter Seventeen – Cold Light Waves

This is awesome:

Maya and Joey were ready for departure after they shouldered their super big backpacks (page 130).

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

Super Big Backpacks? Really, Tesch?

They put their Tarnkappes on, slip outside, and take off for the beach. The ravens don’t notice. They do notice when Plouton shows up and the house is empty. Everyone takes off for the beach to look for footprints. Tesch throws in a “And so it was…” and we cut forward. They’ve spotted and Maya and Joey because they saw the Key to the Underworld floating in midair. Apparently the Tarnkappes makes you, your clothes, and your Super Big Backpacks invisible…but not the Key. That makes sense.

Libertine tells Joey that they are a life-threatening situation. No shit, Sherlock. She explains that he needs to use Defender (the Key) to defend themselves. If he doesn’t act quickly, the airships will use their Cold Light Waves to make them permanently blind. Apparently the Cold Light Waves is their ultimate weapon. Honestly, I think the Ultimate Weapon should kill your enemies instead of just making them blind, but maybe that’s just me.

Maya covers her eyes, but Joey aims the Key and fires and of course he has perfect aim and it pulverizes Suttie and Cassie. The airships turn on their Cold Light Waves so Joey covers his eyes and starts firing blind and ends up destroying three airships and Plouton orders a retreat.

Well. That was remarkably easy.

Maya and Joey head off to the cave.

Chapter Eighteen – Leathery Wings & Glossy Eyes

It’s darker and more humid. The wind sounds menacing. There’s loud sounds and they don’t sound friendly. Eventually they get inside the cave and Maya aims her flashlight up and sees hundreds of bats that look like ‘miniature cloaked Draculas’, which is a simile that doesn’t really work for me.

They keep walking through the cave and they hear an explosion from beneath them. Smoke starts billowing towards them from behind. All the bats take off and start flying around.

They moved like a big school of fish straight into the direction of the cave’s exit (page 139).

That’s another one that doesn’t really work for me.

The glowing eyes of the night creatures bulged white and their fangs gleamed as if they were wet (page 139).

Good lord. Did she use the same resources as Calvin when doing research on bats?

Bats’ eyes don’t glow, they reflect light if it’s shined on them. And do you really think, in a dark, smoky cave, that you’re going to be able to see the gleam of their teeth as they fly around? Really, Tesch?

A swarm of bats attack Joey and start trying to bite him. It’s very intense. But then they see the light at the end of the tunnel (literally) and crawl out and realize they’re back in Maradonia. Hooray! Only took them 140 pages!

It starts raining bats. They plummet out of the sky and splat helplessly on the sky because of the bright sunlight. Uh…that’s not the way it works, Tesch. Bats can fly during the day.

Maya was looking at Joey’s blood smeared face and hands from the sharp bites of the bats. She could not stifle a light smile when she asked her brother, “What a perverted nature we have in our old world.” (page 141)

Setting aside the fact that that’s not a question she’s ‘asking’…she sees her brother covered in blood and bite marks (from which he hopefully will contract rabies) and her reaction is to smile? I take back my previous comments, Maya is a sociopath as well.

Maya thinks the bats were inspired to attack them by the powers of Evil. She also has some random things to talk about:

“This cave is basically a culmination point or the time tunnel which separates our old world from this world.

“It seems to me that we did not only reach the Land of Maradonia but we have already stepped into the Fourth Dimension, the world between the worlds or a space between spaces.” (page 141)

No. The cave is the world between the worlds…it’s between Earth and Maradonia. You’re not in that anymore.

They decide they’re going to journey by Tarnkappe to visit Oraculus. Why they took their Tarnkappes off in the first place, I don’t know. Anyway, Joey shakes off another dead bat and for absolutely no reason launches into a speech about how he respects all life, but his loyalty is to his family and to the “rightful heritage of our royal family”. It’s the kind of dialogue that makes you think “Why the hell would anyone, for any reason, say these words? It doesn’t make sense. There was no inspiration for them, it does mean anything, there’s no logical reason for why it would be brought up here, and it doesn’t sound anything like actual human speech.” Of course, the only reason it was brought up was so Tesch could throw in a little discussion about being nice to animals.

Maya lectures Joey about how they need to be able to hear the cry of an animal in pain and respect all life. Joey laughs it off and says that she’s talking like someone from the Humane Society. I think you mean PETA. However, Maya says that she knows people from the Humane Society and she has great respect for them. Joey caves in and says that he agrees with her but what he actually means is that they should never forget that they’re royalty and have great responsibilities.

Somehow, I have a feeling that neither of these arrogant twats will forget they’re royalty.

Anyway. After two pages of thoroughly useless conversation that accomplishes nothing, the chapter ends.

Drinks: 51

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Comment

  1. -Sentinel- on 29 May 2011, 15:58 said:

    Oh crap… Bats carry rabies!

    The idea of Joey with rabies is too horrific to contemplate. o_O

  2. Chey on 29 May 2011, 16:30 said:

    Joey, who burned down forests and tested his death weapon on what he thought were innocent crows, and was pleased by all the destruction he caused, has respect for all life? Wut now?

  3. Taco Gryffin on 29 May 2011, 16:44 said:

    In a fresh breeze, the sunshine of the morning poured through Joey’s window (page 110).

    Actually, I quote like this image. it’s very poetic and metaphoric, and I would like it even more if I thought that this was the way Tesch always wrote instead of being a little glint of light on a gemstone buried in the metric ton of worthless muck.

    The airships turn on their Cold Light Waves so Joey covers his eyes and starts firing blind and ends up destroying three airships and Plouton orders a retreat.

    “I told you to fire across her nose, not up it!”

  4. Sahgo on 29 May 2011, 17:03 said:

    I know it’s an overused joke, but… when I saw that letter, my first thought was:

    “I got the results of the test back. I definetly have breast cancer”.

  5. Cadaver on 29 May 2011, 17:39 said:

    “Why the hell would anyone, for any reason, say these words? It doesn’t make sense. There was no inspiration for them, it doesn’t mean anything, there’s no logical reason for why it would be brought up here, and it doesn’t sound anything like actual human speech.”

    /thread

  6. BettyCross on 29 May 2011, 17:50 said:

    Honestly, this books makes me nostalgic for “7 Bridges.” I never thought I’d feel that way.

    Why in the hell did Gloria decide to call these flying saucers “airships?” To me, that means some sort of balloon with a rigid frame, like a dirigible or zeppelin, or what we in the USA call a blimp.

  7. BettyCross on 29 May 2011, 17:53 said:

    “I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer”.

    “You’re tearing me apart, Maya and Joey,” Apollyon shouted. “You’re tearing me apart!”

  8. Rorschach on 29 May 2011, 18:27 said:

    In a fresh breeze, the sunshine of the morning poured through Joey’s window (page 110).

    Actually, I quote like this image. it’s very poetic and metaphoric

    It’s almost a very nice image. It’s really the word “in” that ruins it for me.

    With a fresh breeze, the sunshine of the morning poured through Joey’s window.

    Accompanied by a fresh breeze, the sunshine of the morning poured through Joey’s window.

    Either of these would be great.

  9. Prince O' Tea on 29 May 2011, 20:41 said:

    Squadalah! They’re off!

  10. Prince O' Tea on 29 May 2011, 20:54 said:

    Well since I like to be nitpicky, I don’t really like the word “pour”, since that sentence is meant to be quite gentle and peaceful, and pour is a bit too strong. Maybe filter, or maybe even “breathed” if you want to be a bit poetic. But thats just me, pour works already.

    Also its obvious the entire ‘Swanson” family is sociopathic (odd we had to wait THIS long to find out their last name). The family seems to act as if Aunt Sarah’s cancer is news to them, the parents are all “Well isn’t that convenient that she’s dying now, instead of during something we might want to do? That would be a tragedy!” Aunt Sarah is more concerned for her junk store then for her offspring, and Joey… well. Joey is just Joey (evil incarnate.) Maya sometimes cares about someone other then herself though, but mostly she’s a whiny, haughty little bitch.

  11. Requiem on 30 May 2011, 00:16 said:

    I can already guess that joey will turn more evil and abbadon’s son will switch over to the “ good guys” side. The whole alien/narnia/psychics thing is fucking non sensical, maybe they’ll end up having a duel with the aliens like this.

    http://skepticscorner.net/files/2011/05/Picture-19.png

  12. DictatorHat on 30 May 2011, 00:44 said:

    How are they aliens if they worship the earth? THIS MAKES NO FRIGGIN SENSE?

  13. Ridureyu on 30 May 2011, 01:50 said:

    I have to say it:

    “The test results came back, and I definitely have cancer.”

  14. Ridureyu on 30 May 2011, 01:58 said:

    Curses, beaten to it!

    Anyway… uh… Beebee and Doodoo?

  15. Taco Griffin on 30 May 2011, 03:10 said:

    How about “wafted”?

    With a fresh breeze, the morning sunshine wafted through the open window.

    I like it.

    Although really, we’re debating word choice in Maradonia. Instead of focusing on the details, we should stamp the front cover with a big fat “F. See me”, because I think Gloria didn’t get enough of those in school. If she had, she might not be so self-awed.

  16. BettyCross on 30 May 2011, 07:17 said:

    I think Gloria didn’t get enough of those [F’s] in school. If she had, she might not be so self-awed.

    She’s home-schooled. Mom and Dad didn’t flunk her often enough.

  17. Crazy Batman Fan on 30 May 2011, 07:27 said:

    Album: Sunshine in a Breeze (Songs for Little Kids)
    By: The Swanson Swan-Songs
    Style: Country

    1. Sunshine in a Breeze
    2. My Little Antique Store
    3. Greet Maya From Me
    4. The Most Perfect Timing
    5. Pull The Bed Sheet
    6. Bingo Means Bingo!
    7. Super Big Backpacks
    8. Cold Light Waves
    9. Can Bats Fly in the Day?

  18. Cristina on 30 May 2011, 09:07 said:

    Obviously, Maya has never read Cujo. She wouldnt’t find random bat bites quite as funny if she had. Epic.Fail.

    Also, the “greet Maya from me” bit sounds very German to me. You do say it like this in German, but I have never heard any native speaker of English say it this way.

  19. BettyCross on 30 May 2011, 09:21 said:

    @Cristina, it’s clear the Maradonia books have had no editing at all, no matter what Leah Dellaire (?sp) says.

  20. VikingBoyBilly on 30 May 2011, 09:33 said:

    We speculate about their last names in part 5, and Tesch instantly delivers.

    Swanson? Ugh, I instantly thought Twilight when I saw it. And then we get bats like “miniature cloaked draculas”? With sparkling fangs? That’s it. It’s no longer coincidental. Tesch is a twitard.

    Someone also mentioned Robert Stanek in part 5 as well. Rorscach, when are you going to finish the Keeper Martin’s Tale spork?

  21. LoneWolf on 30 May 2011, 10:54 said:

    Well, ‘Maya and Joey the Encouragers’ are so awesome, I’m sure Aunt Sarah will die happily, if she knows that her timely death allowed Maya and Joey a new trip to ‘The Land of Maradonia’.

    Oh, and the books are getting bloodier with all these deaths. The deaths in ‘Gold of Ophir’ are the following:

    Lady Ruichi (off-screen)
    School principal
    Alana Terence (No!!!!)
    Suetonia
    Cassandra
    Aunt Sarah, who will die soon.

    That makes for six deaths.

  22. Prince O' Tea on 30 May 2011, 11:14 said:

    Don’t forget Lady Ruichi’s other son. The one with the stupid(er) name.

    And we were spoiled years ago that Allana Terrence’s mother will die as well. That will teach her for loving the Salsa Dance.

    Beebee and Doodoo? Makes you wonder what Bertha’s other (deceased sisters) were named. If they had names like Beebee and Doodoo maybe joey did them a favour by turning them into living fireballs.

  23. LoneWolf on 30 May 2011, 11:29 said:

    Oh, and to be fair to Tesch: you can’t blame her for portraying the character of Joey inconsistently. He is consistently sociopathic in all his outings.

  24. Ridureyu on 30 May 2011, 11:49 said:

    “No! She is lying! I did not hit her! I did not hit her! Oh hai, Maradonia.”

  25. Prince O' Tea on 30 May 2011, 14:33 said:

    I have pretty much always referred to Maradonia as “The Room” of books. So this chapter makes me feel even more justified.

    Has anyone else ever had the theory that Gloria Tesch is Tommy Wiseau’s niece?

  26. LoneWolf on 30 May 2011, 14:40 said:

    “The Room” is a very immoral film about sex and adultery. It has no relation to “Maradonia” books by Gloria Tesch, which are morally wholesome and healthy.

  27. Northmark on 30 May 2011, 15:20 said:

    @Cristina:
    I think it has been speculated here before that English might be Tesch’s second language. It still wouldn’t excuse the character and plot flaws, but it makes sense for a lot of the awkward dialogue/sentence structure.

  28. Costanza on 30 May 2011, 15:58 said:

    I think The Room is way more enjoyable than Maradonia, personally.

    This book is, bar none, pure shit. Although I really could use a SUPER BIG BACKPACK….

  29. Prince O' Tea on 30 May 2011, 16:09 said:

    I’m just wondering…. why is Aunt Sarah’s cancer so “convenient”? Only the parents can go see her, (and depending how old Benji is, I’m assuming he’s being taken out of kindergarten or something), and since their daughter was beaten almost to death, she can’t come.

    Sociopathic Swansons are Sociopathic.

  30. BettyCross on 30 May 2011, 19:30 said:

    It’s DoDoo, not DooDoo. However, GT set herself up for “Doodoo” when she chose to name an animal character DoDoo.

    It would make more sense to me for one adult to stay behind and look after Maya, while Joey and little Benji go with the other parent to see Aunt Sarah. However, that would prevent Joey and Maya from going back to the Land of ‘MoronDonia’ together. Heads up! Here comes the Idiot Ball.

  31. Prince O' Tea on 30 May 2011, 20:26 said:

    True Betty, but you can’t really have an idiot ball in Maradonia, since every character is already carrying one. What you need is a ball of an even denser, heavier, more potent form of idiocy. Sort of like an underwater lake. And thus, an even greater idiot ball has descended upon the Swanson household.

  32. Requiem on 31 May 2011, 00:39 said:

    With the first sign of twilightisms in maradonia I think we may see something so hideous and so evil that even the club of evil will be forced to join forces with the psychopaths to stop it. That thing will be a sparkling vampire that looks like tommy wiseu that is also an alien psychic that rides a unicorn.

    0 _ 0

  33. WulfRitter on 31 May 2011, 00:58 said:

    Ah yes, perfectly timed cancer. The next time I have a deathly ill relative, I am going to make sure that I send them a sympathy card regaling them with how awesome the timing of their terminal illness is. It shall go a little like this:

    “I am so sorry to hear about your flesh-eating tumor of doom. Kinda sux, ya know. But what great timing! If you hadn’t been on Death’s doorstep, I’d have never gotten to go on vacation! Hope that chemo works out for ya. I’ll be chillaxin’ in four-star hotel when I come to send you off. God, I hope the hotel towels are fluffy. Gotta hate stiff towels, ya know? Well, gotta go! See ya round!”

  34. LoneWolf on 31 May 2011, 08:05 said:

    Gloria Tesch is very creative.

  35. Prince O' Tea on 31 May 2011, 08:53 said:

    I really think we should come up with ideas for Maradonia Adventure Park Map. I mean the Tesches have clearly turned to drug smuggling or human trafficking to fund their precious lil’ prodigy’s saga, theyw ill probably earn enough money for a small carnival in fifty years.

    Featuring:

    Big Bertha’s Raven Ride! The ticket machine says Bingo! when it takes your money.

    Joey’s Shooting Gallery: Take up Defender and murder the sentient wildlife. Bunnies = 10 points Grasshopper families: 30 points Deer: 50 Points, Raven Sisters: 100 points, Entire Forests and all their inhabitants = 1000 points.

    Maya and Bella’s Bitchifest of Entitlement: Team up with Bella Swan in this arcade game, where you must dismiss anyone unattractive (Bella) or anyone you feel is poor (Maya).

    The PSA Booth.
    Where you can videos of goth kids bursting into flame for just looking at a set of Tarot cards.

    Kill the Fishermen with Aquamarisha
    Take the role of Aquamarisha, and its your job to scuttle boats of fishermen with your trusty trident. For bonus points, gather the bodyparts of the devoured fishermen, and send them to to their families. Suitable for all ages.

    Gloria Tesch:
    For the low low price of 200 dollars, you can sit and listen to Gloria tell you how she’s basically the second coming of Tolkien for half an hour. For an extra hundred dollars, you can watch her turn water into wine.
    Despite being Jesus, her one miracle that she cannot perform is to write convincing dialogue.

    Eat at the Selinka Cafe, where you can order Roasted Raven, Healing Leaves and more! But because you can never really get hungry in MAP, the portions are tiny.

  36. Costanza on 31 May 2011, 15:31 said:

    Don’t forget the Astrodoulus death theater, where we see the man who died for your sins to fight an evil man who never really does anything evil and can apparently revive himself at will, making it pointless to fight him….

    The whole cancer thing is beyond contrived. So what, the kids are allowed to stay at home alone and forget about their aunt? Not to mention that the introduction of such Deus ex Machina without any introduction is bullshit in itself.

  37. LoneWolf on 31 May 2011, 16:59 said:

    Abaddon didn’t revive himself. Apollyon revived him because Genarius was stupid and gave Apollyon Abaddon’s body.

    And yeah, the cancer was indeed convenient. But like I said, Aunt Sarah should only be pleased that her cancer was mildly useful for wonderful Maya and Joey.

  38. Prince O' Tea on 31 May 2011, 18:27 said:

    I’m guessing the parents didn’t know about Auntie Susan’s cancer until now. They obviously care about her as much as their offspring do.

  39. Flarehawk on 1 June 2011, 09:36 said:

    Abaddon didn’t revive himself. Apollyon revived him because Genarius was stupid and gave Apollyon Abaddon’s body.

    Fire solves everything.
    EVERYTHING.

    Also, using a dying family member as a shitty deus ex machina, Tesch? All aboard the retard train!

  40. BettyCross on 1 June 2011, 09:56 said:

    Also, using a dying family member as a shitty deus ex machina, Tesch? All aboard the retard train!

    Maya and Joey decide it’s time to return to MoronDonia, so they pack their super big backpacks, say good-bye to Mom on a school day morning, and go through the Wormhole of the Magic Bats again.

    There! See how easy that was?

  41. Erin on 1 June 2011, 12:23 said:

    Why on earth did they sneak out of the hospital? Shouldn’t they have just waited for Maya to be properly discharged? (Which wouldn’t be a long wait, since she’s just fine now) Their whole plan of sneaking off to Maradonia while Mom and Dad are away isn’t going to work if the ‘rents receive word from the hospital that their daughter has disappeared without a trace.

    Oh great, and they’re adopting Andy. He and Benji can form the Frequently Forgotten Relatives Who Contribute Nothing To The Story Club.

  42. Ridureyu on 1 June 2011, 15:21 said:

    You know what’s funny?

    Flying saucers have appeared. Mass chaos. people are dying. Insane supernatural stuff. Dogs and cats living together. Etc. etc. etc.

    And what does it take for Maya and Joey to have an excuse to go back to Maradonia? Aunt-cancer. Nothing about, y’know, the demonic War of the Worlds situation. No, life could still go on same as always then. It had to wait for Aunt-cancer.

  43. Lady Cricket on 1 June 2011, 16:09 said:

    Long time lurker, first time poster. Hello, Imps. [waves]

    I just thought of something. Maybe by the end of the book they’ll heal their aunt of cancer through Wonderful Encourager Magic and reinforce their Mary Sue status, making her illness even more convenient for them. Or, even if they find something that could heal her, they’ll forget all about her and reinforce their sociopath status instead. Would anyone like to make a bet?

  44. Prince O' Tea on 1 June 2011, 16:22 said:

    The latter. By far. I cannot see either of the Sues performing anything kind for anyone but themselves. Joey will probably torch down her antique shop and then explain to Sarah about how he “has great wisdom and responsibility for everyone, including you Auntie Sarah.”

  45. BettyCross on 1 June 2011, 20:53 said:

    Alanna Terrence wore military boots. Is that a Goth thing? Sounds more punk to me.

  46. swenson on 1 June 2011, 21:58 said:

    I wonder if the magical leaves of magical healing magicalness would work on cancer? If so, they’ve already overlooked one potential healing item. And bringing up the possibility of healing their aunt is bringing a far superior book to mind again—The Magician’s Nephew. Remember the whole thing with Digory debating whether or not to steal an apple to save his mother’s life? Yeah, Maya and Joey wouldn’t even get that far. They wouldn’t want to steal an apple to save their aunt’s life, they’d probably want to steal one because, hey, free apples!

    What gets me is that there is not even a speck of concern for this aunt who is evidently quite close to their family (their parents are adopting her son, after all!), it’s just “What convenient timing!”

  47. WulfRitter on 2 June 2011, 01:30 said:

    “They wouldn’t want to steal an apple to save their aunt’s life, they’d probably want to steal one because, hey, free apples!”

    Heck, with their delightful sociopathic streak, they’d probably tie one of their enemies to the tree and set it on fire. After all, a fascination with fire is one of the signs of a potential serial killer and Joey’s been showing some serious proclivities in that direction.

  48. Flarehawk on 2 June 2011, 19:26 said:

    In this book, everyone who isn’t a main character is just a stepping stone on the path to eternal glory. It’s like they emit magical sue-waves that make everything work out for them.

    I feel like I’m reading the journal of a serial killer here. Tesch is a goddamn madwoman, and this entire retardation conga is making me feel unclean.

    grabs a flamethrower
    Ah well. Some things just gotta happen, I guess.

  49. Catflap on 6 June 2012, 22:02 said:

    “Joey thought, “This is perfect! This is absolutely perfect! Our parents left with little Benji to visit Auntie Sarah. [snip] It’s high time to go. We are ready to go back to the Land of Maradonia just at the most perfect timing!” (page 114)”

    That thought is a work of sheer genius. We know Joey is a callous, insensitive, dishonest, selfish young brute – but that passage is a stunner. Just when it seemed impossible for Joey to be any more repulsive, GT shows that he is.

  50. Evil Imperialist on 29 October 2013, 02:17 said:

    “Alanna Terrence wore military boots”

    The first line of Song 10. And number eleven is: 11. Retardation Conga.