Chapter Sixty – Brotherly Love

And at long last we’re back to the prologue. Remember that, 600 pages ago, where Plouton and the Titans are planning to chain Abbadon up and have the vultures feed on his liver? Well, we’re back to that point. The chapter is actually rewritten a bit, for reasons that escape me.

Chapter Sixty-One – Intruders

We’re back to Genarius, who is stressed out and filled with angst. Mostly about his son Michael, because he still doesn’t know whether Michael is alive or dead. Way to go, Maya.

He hasn’t been eating or sleeping, but eventually he falls asleep and starts dreaming of his dead wife, Lady Ruchi. They’re chilling out in a sunny field with their kids, and then a storm rolls in and Genarius has to fight his way through some fog while holding the hand of Prince Michael. It’s very dramatic in the way dreams tend to be, which is to say it’s not dramatic at all because it’s a fucking dream.

He wakes up and hears sword-fighting, so he heads towards the noise and finds a couple bodies on the floor. His servant, Parnell, explains that two men tried to steal the Henrietta Mirror, which, as you probably don’t remember, was given to Genarius by AstroJesus. They killed one of the thieves but the other one got away.

“It was dark in the house and I did not want to wake you because of your grief, although we had thieves in the house that entered through an open window.” (page 616)

Okay. Let me get this straight. At this point, Parnell doesn’t know why armed men have broken into the palace. They might be thieves, or, you know, they could be assassins from the massively powerful kingdom that desperately wants King Genarius dead. However, Parnell doesn’t bother waking Genarius up to warn him, or even posting extra guards around his bedchambers, because he knows that Genarius hasn’t been sleeping well recently.


Anyway, before the other thief escaped Parnell chopped his ear off, and also got a good look at the man: Leon Felipe, son of General Felipe!!! Holy shit!!!

Genarius falls to his knees and angsts, and Parnell runs to his side.

Genarius sighed, “Parnell you are a good servant and a good friend. You always comforted me in my most horrendous times of need.” (page 618)

If you know what I mean.

Chapter Sixty-Two – Plouton & Abbadon

Hey, that’s cool, we might actually get some scenes involving the main villains of this series. And we’re only 75% of the way through the book. That’s not bad.

Abbadon is making fun of Plouton for his total bungling of the Oceanside job:

“I tell you… You have a heavy attitude problem.” (page 619)

Abbadon recaps, over two pages, everything that happened at the beginning of the book in Oceanside, and finally they get down to business: specifically, what they’re worried about. Abbadon is worried about the Empire’s expansion politics. No, seriously. He explains their worst nightmare: Maya and Joey put their Tarnkappes on, get aboard dragons, and fly over to the Mountain Peak Glacier Castle, which is the Empire’s stronghold. Joey pulls out the Key and proceeds to blast the shit out of the castle, destroying their stronghold and everyone within and dealing the Empire a crippling blow from which it will never recover. Then Maya and Joey will fly home and have dinner. I’m not sure how relevant the dinner is, but Abbadon specifically brought it up, so I’m guessing it will actually be crucial to the plot.

This is actually pretty interesting. I honestly had no idea the Key was that powerful, but okay, it’s that powerful. Which makes me wonder…why hasn’t Joey used it in this way? I mean, you’re sorta kinda at war with these people. Why hasn’t he flown over and destroyed them yet? What’s he waiting for?

Then again, if he had, the book would be over. So. Rule of Stupid.

Plouton says that they need to work as a team. Because, as we all know, The Powers of Evil Believe in Teamwork:

“I believe it is in the best interest for all of us that we are not fighting and playing the blame game concerning the failures in the past.” (page 624)

As hilarious as this sounds, let’s keep in mind that Plouton is not being serious – he’s plotting to kidnap his brother, chain him to a rock, and have vultures eat his liver for the foreseeable future. It’s almost as if he’s actually Evil.

Plouton explains that on the Rock of Mukane, he’s made a discovery that will help them enter Tyronia and kill Joey. Abbadon is agreeable, so they head that way.

Chapter Sixty-Three – Rock of Mukane

Abbadon and Plouton hike up the mountain and walk along for awhile. Abbadon has a bad feeling, but Plouton reassures him that there is a “big surprise” waiting. Sure enough, there is! Abbadon runs into Orphilios and Marcarios, who shackle him up and chain him to the Rock of Mukane. They explain to Abbadon that they’re doing this for revenge for their brother Remmilos and peace out. Then the vultures show up and start nomming on Abbadon’s liver. He screams a lot.

Tesch is really bad at subverting expectations. I’ve been waiting for this scene for 620 pages now. I was really hoping I’d see something different…maybe Abbadon has been expecting this betrayal and he kills the Titans and chains Plouton to the rock to become patè instead? Anything would be better than this, really. There’s nothing more boring than to have characters plan out exactly how something will go and then have it work exactly according to plan.

Chapter Sixty-Four – A New Breed

And we’re back with Bertha, the raven, and her sisters, who are chilling out at Lupus Ville, where a lot of hawks live. Turns out Bertha is in love with one of the hawks. Her sister, Beebe, explains in a long paragraph that typically hawks would just eat ravens, but they’re very big ravens, so instead the hawks treat them with respect. Tesch throws in a ‘And so it was…’ and things get interesting.

Bertha and her two sisters became very good friends with several male hawks.

Soon the air sparkled around them, and the three sisters were sitting on three different nests, filled with eggs (page 633).



Hang on a second.


Ye gods and things on toast, I think I just read a sex scene. A Gloria Tesch sex scene. A Gloria Tesch interspecies sex scene.

Seriously, though, the euphemism here is brilliant. “Soon the air sparkled around them”? One of the best sexual euphemisms I’ve ever read, and I run a site called Conjugal Felicity. I can only guess how this will be used later in the series:

Joey looked deep into the mermaid’s eyes, and inhaled her deep, fishy scent. She smiled at him. Soon the air sparkled around them, and Joey realized he’d become a man.

Or maybe this:

Maya stroked Captain Henry’s muscular forearms. “Oh Henry,” she whispered into his ear, “this would be illegal back home, but there’s no such thing as the age of consent here in Maradonia. Take me!”

The air sparkled around them.

Two and a half weeks later, Maya began to wonder how she would break the news to Joey that she was late, along with what being late meant…

Bertha has thirteen eggs of her own. Now, I’m not an expert on ravens, but I do know that they don’t lay thirteen fucking eggs and raise thirteen chicks at a time. Then again, I’m pretty sure it’s not physically possible for a raven/hawk crossbreed to exist, so what do I know?

They hatch and immediately attack Bertha, thinking she’s food. Bertha is surprised by this, but loves them anyway, and dubs the new species ‘The Rawkens’. Because…well, why not?

Chapter Sixty-Five – The Shierling Becher

We’re back to Genarius, who is slowly wasting away, refusing to eat or talk to anyone. Finally he starts thinking about suicide by drinking the juice of the hemlock, poured into the Shierling Becher, which is a type of goblet, I think. I’m not sure why Genarius needs to commit suicide by drinking from a specific goblet, but okay.

Finally he can’t take it any longer. He goes down to one of the basements where they store poison, finds some hemlock, pours it into the Shierling Becher cup, and chugs it. Then he heads back to his chamber and waits to die. After a bit, Maya and Prince Michael show up. Genarius explains that he just drank hemlock and will be expiring shortly.

“If I would have known that my son would still be alive I would not have taken the Shierling Becher with the juice of the hemlock plant. Why did you not send me a carrier pigeon with the message that my son, Prince Michael, is alive and well?”

“King Genarius… I did… didn’t you receive my message? I have seen the carrier pigeon with my own eyes depart from Villusio Island” (page 640-641).

Nicely done, Maya. How fucking stupid are you? You have A FUCKING DRAGON! Why are you relying on a carrier pigeon to deliver your messages? For that matter, why didn’t you just deliver Prince Michael back to his father in the first place? It’s what, a few hours round-trip, tops?

I am honestly starting to suspect that Maya did all this deliberately to get Genarius to kill himself. You’ll find out why in a moment.

Maya and Genarius chat about faith, and finally Genarius sends for paper, pencils, and his servants. Interesting, I didn’t know Maradonia had invented pencils.

Genarius tells Maya that his Tarnkappe and the Henrietta Mirror should be given to Michael when he’s of age. And he’s giving Maya his sword Titus, because she’s now the Queen of Maradonia, and will need to rule until Michael comes of age at 25.

Genarius fills out his will, tells Maya to rule the land of Maradonia with an iron fist and to show Maradonia’s enemies no mercy, plays with Michael for a bit, and dies.

Huh. So, through a direct decision by Maya, Genarius dies, and Maya ends up as queen of Maradonia. That’s not suspicious at all.

Chapter Sixty-Six – Rawkens

We’re back with the raven mothers, who are surprised that their demon children are trying to kill them. Except for Bertha, who explains that the children will calm down if they’re spoken to. However, the other ravens are too nervous to get close to their children, and apparently they’re incapable of shouting from a safe distance…say, two feet away. Bertha shouts and gets all the hatchlings’ attention and explains that she’s their commander, serving under Apollyon, and that they must never go against their own family. All of the newly hatched Rawkens understand this and calm down.

Bertha names the strongest and biggest of the hatchlings ‘Brawn Brandon’, which is a brilliantly inventive name, and heads off to find some food. In the space of a page, the Rawkens grow up, become extremely fierce, and finally Bertha takes them to visit Apollyon, who’s chilling out waiting for Plouton and Abbadon to get back. Apollyon has a funny feeling that something might be going on with Abbadon.

Bertha introduces Apollyon to his new army and Apollyon is very pleased and congratulates Bertha. He then asks them if they’ve seen his sons. Turns out Bertha’s sister, Dodoo, saw them at the harbor near Lupus Ville. Apollyon asks them to keep their eyes open.

King Apollyon still wondered about the voyage of his two sons, who left the palace for a secret purpose without his knowledge.

But then he thought about his new weapon, the Rawkens, and a cruel dark grin flitted over his face (page 654).

Dramatic chord.

Drinks: 61

Tagged as: ,


  1. Licht on 4 October 2011, 15:10 said:

    It’s Schierlingsbecher.
    Compared to Shierling Becher.
    See the difference?

    Taking about pigeons, what happened to Libertine?

  2. LoneWolf on 4 October 2011, 15:42 said:

    I predicted the suicide of Genarius a couple of sporks ago! Yay me!

    Oh, and it seems that the book, after many irrelevant episodes, sorta gets back on the main plotline. And yes, it was nice to see Apollyon and his gang again.

  3. swenson on 4 October 2011, 15:44 said:

    I was going to ask if they play the blame game at the Club of Evil meetings, but now all I can do is sit in stunned silence at the realization that yes, we just had a Gloria Tesch interspecies sex scene. Sort of.

  4. LoneWolf on 4 October 2011, 16:10 said:

    The ‘Maradonia-Saga’ is a very dark and mature production. Gloria is a Serious-Mainstream-Author of ‘Fantasy Genre’.

  5. Requiem on 4 October 2011, 17:07 said:

    Finally we see the main big bads again.

  6. BettyCross on 4 October 2011, 17:56 said:

    An army of evil predatory birds, half raven and half hawk, the Rawkens!

    Fortunately, the “good birds” — the pigeons, doves, and eagles with extra eyeballs among their feathers — would never spoil the purity of their DNA this way.

    Ya know, it’s too bad, because I happen to think ravens are cool.

  7. BettyCross on 4 October 2011, 18:01 said:

    Maya had a responsibility to return infant Prince Michael home to his father immediately after dislodging that piece of apple from his throat. Because she did not, and didn’t tell him she’d saved his son, she is to a degree responsible for his suicide. Does this bother her? No. Does she even consider the question? No.

    Nice job breaking it, hero.

  8. LoneWolf on 4 October 2011, 18:10 said:

    It’s better to interpret it as Maya doing all that deliberately. I eagerly await her Iron Fisted rule over the poor people of Maradonia.

    And these birds Rawk so much.

  9. Fireshark on 4 October 2011, 18:25 said:

    So… Let’s get this straight.

    After getting her black-belted ass beaten senseless by teenage goth thugs, Maya finds out that UFOS from a fantasy realm are looking for her on Earth. After shitting around a bit, and the lead goth’s death, Maya and Joey come back to Maradonia, where they find out about some plot to kill some king named Genarius’s son. After some bullshit with ocean travel, pedo-romance, apples, and people coming back to life, they go off for pointless adventures involving a magician who turns sheep green, Maya takes swordsmanship lessons from dead guys, and cheats, and becomes Queen of Maradonia. Sometime in there, Joey became king of some country called Tyronia or something, I forget how. Hawks and ravens living together, mass hysteria! Villains finally turn up again. TBC.

    Can anyone explain the plot better than this? I don’t get it too well.

  10. Damselfly on 4 October 2011, 18:47 said:

    You know, when I read that bit about hawks eating ravens normally, I thought that was pretty ridiculous. Its sad that I didn’t already know to expect worse. “Rawkens.”

    I wrote something out here about imprinting and how it works (and how baby chicks would never attack a mother that hatched them no matter what it was), and stopped at the word sense. That’s when I realized how silly I was being. It’s amazing how this crap gets better (worse) every chapter almost without fail. I look forward to future hilarity.

  11. Erin on 4 October 2011, 19:16 said:


    That made things a lot clearer for me, actually. Seven Bridges was awful, but at least I could kinda follow it. Gold of Ophir just jumps all over the place.

    Also, I need to start using “Soon the air sparkled around them”. It’s the best phrase from Maradonia since “but what about poison?”

  12. BettyCross on 4 October 2011, 19:45 said:

    Genarius fills out his will, tells Maya to rule the land of Maradonia with an iron fist and to show Maradonia’s enemies no mercy, plays with Michael for a bit, and dies.

    Oy g’valt. Das Majareich has begun.

  13. BlueMask on 4 October 2011, 19:59 said:

    With the release of their new record only days away, II have finally released the track list for The Gold Of Ophir: Part 1. With a stunning line-up of guest stars, and three number one hit singles, this is sure to be the album of the year!

    1. This Is A Shame And Not A Game!
    2. Piece of Crap [feat. Team Edward.]
    3. Tasting The Supernatural [feat. Commander Fork.]
    4. Herd of Flying Pigs [feat. World’s Youngest Author]
    5. Death By Ouija Board
    6. Perfectly Timed Cancer
    7. Miracle Swing Word of Magic
    8. Mostly Pretty Drunk [feat. Yeah, Alcohol is Beautiful, Kids.]
    9. My Needs and Feelings [Winner- New Age Song of the Year.]
    10. Sunny Side of Life.
    11. A Unique Technique [feat. A Hollow Hole]
    12. Smell the Weasels [feat. Draco Malfoy and the Weasleys.]
    13. A Powerful Support Network [ feat. Imps Against Bad Writing.]
    14. The Darkness is Dark [feat. Light a Candle.]
    15. World War Three.
    16. Their Sheep Turned Green [The No. 1 Hit single!]
    17. Benji Mouse.
    18. A Heavy Attitude Problem [Latest Single.]

    Let the countdown to the release date begin!

    Editors Note: These sporks make my day! Please update soon!

  14. Vikingboybilly on 4 October 2011, 22:28 said:

    I remember gloria talking about Rawkens in her reading of Law of Blood from that radio interview. I had no idea rawkens were…. this.

  15. BettyCross on 5 October 2011, 07:37 said:

    What genre of music will the new Ophir album feature?

  16. Prince O' Tea on 5 October 2011, 07:47 said:

    Wait. So now some half ravens half hawks are his New Super Weapon? Seriously? What next?

    “Apollyon smiled at his new and deadly superweapons, the half cat, half privet bush creature, the Carivet. “With the Carivets, the war is sure to turn in my favor indeed!” he thought with a smirk.

    Also, why is Maya allowed to be Queen at 16, but Michael has to wait until he is 25?

    Also King Aageus. Maya put next to no effort into contacting Genarius.
    “Why did you not tell me the only member of my family was still alive?”
    “I put it on a post it note! And I was going to mention it on Twitte! God, stop being such a bitch about it!”

  17. Fell Blade on 5 October 2011, 09:02 said:

    Hahaha, these sporks always make my day! Haha, a heavy attitude problem. Most villain would have that, although I don’t remember ever hearing an attitude described as heavy before.

    I’m not sure what Gloria’s thought process is in any of this, but especially in the King making Maya Queen when he is about to die after she stole his kid away. I guess she had to make Maya a queen somehow since Joey was a king, but seriously? This is a good example of how to write only based on one characters wants and feelings. Maya has to become a queen to show that her character “has matured greatly during their time in Maradonia”, and so it’s ok for some king to commit suicide and hand the throne to her. * Gag * I’d leave the kingdom right then!

    Also, another random Bible insertion! The guard cut off the thief’s ear? Seriously? SERIOUSLY TESCH?! (In case no one else caught this, it’s taken from the Apostle Peter cutting off the ear of one of the men who came to arrest Jesus prior to his crucifixion) Just, GAH!!!!

  18. Vikingboybilly on 5 October 2011, 10:12 said:

    The audiobooks are almost here!

    I am loving the prose in her own advert here.

    The Maradonia Sage starts basically as an everyday story.

    …and keeps the reader as well as the listener on the edge of their seat.

    This is Maradonia Dynamite! I believe, we have an absolutely exciting Audio–Version of Book One in our hands and I hope you will enjoy listening to the Original Maradonia Music Soundtrack as well as to the interesting narrator’s voice who will tell you all about the sweeping epic journey of Maya and Joey through a fantastical world of magic and strange powers.

    Last weekend she had another book signing, and she’s happy to give us a TOTALLY NOT STAGED video of herself being interrupted by a phone call alerting her that hundreds of adoring fans are waiting for her to return to her book signing table, which is amazing because the phone looks like a calculator and it doesn’t even ring when someone’s calling her, but she just KNOWS when someone’s calling. THAT’S how brilliant and talented the world’s youngest novelist is!

    And there’s WATER! And a BOAT! I am so humbled and impressed Gloria Tesch told me these things!

  19. Apep on 5 October 2011, 10:29 said:

    Damn, my comment didn’t post. Let’s try this again.

    “I tell you… You have a heavy attitude problem.”

    Really? That’s what you’re gonna go with? See, if I were writing this, I’d have him say something like “If I were king, you’d be dead by now.” Establish that he’s acutally, ya know, evil.

    Also, ‘heavy’? To quote a cartain Spaniard, “I do not think it means what you think it means.”

    Bertha and her two sisters became very good friends with several male hawks.
    Soon the air sparkled around them, and the three sisters were sitting on three different nests, filled with eggs.

    That is wrong on so many levels. Tesch, you fail biology forever.

    she’s now the Queen of Maradonia, and will need to rule until Michael comes of age at 25.

    A few things:

    One: why 25? Why not, say, 16, when he’s reached physical maturity? Or 18, like in the US? Why wait that long?

    Two: the prince is, what, a year old? Maybe less? So, Maya’s going to be in charge for the forseeable future. I weep for the people of Maradonia, I really do.

    Three: shouldn’t she be the regent? Maya’s only in charge until the real heir can take over, so she’s not really queen. Come to think of it, where’s the current queen? Shouldn’t she take over? Why are we putting this psychopath in charge?

    I give five-to-one odds that, sometime before he turns 25, the prince will have an unfortunate ‘accident’, leaving Maya the Mad as the only other choice for monarch.

  20. Prince O' Tea on 5 October 2011, 10:44 said:

    Exactly because Gloria is actually 15 herself, but is already being made Kween of Maradonia, but Genarius’s own son actually has to wait ten years.

    The last queen was Lady Ruichi but she died along with one of her stupidly named spawn.

    Yeah I’d bet that too. Maya has said she is willing to slaughter anyone who threatens her crown. So yeah. Gloria has clearly written Maya to be her world’s version of Galadriel in time, but I imagine we will be seeing her as an unintentional entry on the God Save Us from the Queen trope.

    I still laugh at Doodoo and Beebee. I’m surprised her sisters weren’t called Poopo and Wewee.

  21. Vikingboybilly on 5 October 2011, 12:18 said:

    I found this on the GloriaTeschVideo channel:

    Is this part of the ‘official maradonia soundtrack’ for the audiobooks? It doesn’t sound anything like what I imagined music for maradonia would be.

  22. BettyCross on 5 October 2011, 12:47 said:

    @Prince, it’s Doodo, not Doodoo, but the two names are so alike that it’s a mistake to name a character Doodo.

    I agree that Gloria intends Maya and Joe[y] to be sympathetic characters, but they aren’t, not by a long way.

    @Viking, I also find it hard to believe that Maradonian music would sound like electronica. We’ve seen no evidence the Mards have electricity, and even gunpowder (Schwartz Pulver) is a recent invention which only the bad guys have.

    Mard is a slang term for a Maradonian. Plural is Mards.

  23. Rorschach on 5 October 2011, 12:57 said:


    Actually, it’s Dodoo.


    The similarity with Peter cutting the ear off occured to me, but it wasn’t followed by Genarius healing the dude’s ear, so I don’t think Tesch was actually inspired by that Bible scene. I think this is just a way for them to identify who broke into the palace later.

  24. Fell Blade on 5 October 2011, 13:06 said:

    That’s the thing, though. Tesch copies a lot of stuff from the Bible, but then doesn’t do anything with it. Like ripping off Paul’s shipwreck and being bitten by a snake. It served no point, and didn’t have anything miraculous happen or any deeper meaning. It’s just there…

  25. BettyCross on 5 October 2011, 13:07 said:

    … amazing because the phone looks like a calculator and it doesn’t even ring when someone’s calling her …

    Some smart phones have keyboards like that, and she may have set her phone to vibrate instead of ring, so there’s no proof it’s a staged phone call.

    As for people lining up at her booth to buy her novels, I can only hope they take a peek through the text before deciding to buy, like I always do.

  26. Prince O' Tea on 5 October 2011, 16:36 said:

    Since the names are so similar I just nickname them Doodoo and Beebee. A prime example of Glo never bothering to say anything she’s written out loud to herself.

  27. Fireshark on 5 October 2011, 17:08 said:

    I like “Mards.” I also like “Donis” as an alternative and “grasshoppers” as a derogatory slur.

  28. Prince O' Tea on 5 October 2011, 19:44 said:

    How about merdes as well?

  29. Lady Cricket on 5 October 2011, 22:58 said:

    The air sparkled around them.

    That sounds like Pokemon sex or something.

    Refresh my memory, was Gloria homeschooled? If so, how did Mr. and Mrs. Tesch teach her the birds and the bees? Or did they at all?

    …alright, so maybe she was just self-censoring when she wrote that, but she could have just had the hawks and ravens declare their love for each other, skip a few days ahead and boom, eggs. Also, I am highly amused by the idea of Tesch seriously thinking that’s how birds mate.

  30. BettyCross on 6 October 2011, 07:39 said:

    As for talking birds and other talking animals, I’ve never included them in any of my fiction and wouldn’t unless I was writing for children 5-9 years old; OR, if I was writing a fantasy for YA or adults and chose to have some sort of spirit possess the body of the animal and talk through the animal.

    I can understand the “sparkly” bit, though, because Gloria probably thought it would be inappropriate to have explicit sexual references in a fantasy for children, if it really is meant for children instead of teenagers. BTW, that’s one of the problems with the Mard books. It’s not clear who the intended reading audience is.

  31. LoneWolf on 6 October 2011, 09:28 said:

    Gloria is probably naive enough to consider “sparkly air” to be the height of playful bawdyness.

  32. Fireshark on 6 October 2011, 19:21 said:

    Maradonia phrases to add to your lexicon:

    “But what about poison?”- Used after someone gives a pointless list or describes a bunch of failed ideas.

    “Food affects your mood!”- Whenever someone chokes or has some similar problem while eating. Make sure they’re all right first.

    “The air sparkled around them.”- Whenever you explain that two people, real or fictional, had sex or are in a relationship (in Twilight, it almost makes sense).

    “This is a shame and not a game!”- Whenever someone does something childish or immature, especially in a serious situation.

    “I did not know that the darkness is so dark!”- Whenever things go from bad to worse, when lights are turned off, or when entering a really dark room.

    Any others I forgot?

  33. Vikingboybilly on 6 October 2011, 19:41 said:

    @ Fireshark:

    “The Diarrhea of words” or “Diarrhea of the mouth” – Used to tell someone they talk too much.

    “You’re full of cream, and the foam all rises to the top.” – Or whatever it was that Maya said. I dont know what it’s supposed to mean.

    “Their sheep turned green.” – Used to describe people who are are so scared out of their minds they can’t even move.

    “A powerful cough spell” – Used when someone starts coughing/choking uncontrollably.

    “I love the salsa dance” – beats me. Maybe it means you’re a whore?

    “Benji-mouse” – cruel nickname for your younger sibling.

  34. Fireshark on 7 October 2011, 14:28 said:

    Thanks, especially for the sheep one. I’ll use that a lot!

  35. Prince O' Tea on 7 October 2011, 18:31 said:

    My favorite line is always going to be “We love the Salsa Dance.”

    Sorry Alana, I didn’t have time to comfort you when you were clearly very upset. I might have been a few minutes late to do the horizontal Salsa Dance with my on again off again boyfriend. WE LOVE TEH SALSA DANZZZ

  36. Prince O' Tea on 7 October 2011, 18:38 said:

    Oh Glo.
    “The Warrior Queen, Queen Maya…”
    “sudden disaster…strikes!”
    “The Drink of Victory were deadly poison…”

    Yeah. All that and more in just one paragraph. Seriously sweetheart, proofreading? It wants to be your friend. Just spend five or ten minutes before you post something online. That’s all it asks. It just wants to stop you humiliating yourself constantly.

  37. Prince O' Tea on 7 October 2011, 18:40 said:

    Whoops. Still: “Presented Maya and Joey the Drink of Victory.” A little “with” and that sentence would have been fine.

  38. Licht on 8 October 2011, 04:40 said:

    Fireshark, Vikingboybilly: You are officially AWESOME! <3

  39. gervasium on 9 October 2011, 07:46 said:

    Little bit of sueness from Gloria’s website. She has a brother named Jonathan and a baby brother named Benjamin. Sound familiar?

  40. BettyCross on 9 October 2011, 08:33 said:

    @gervasium, thanks for the info. She really needs to be more creative with her names.

  41. Licht on 9 October 2011, 11:16 said:

    Sweet Goddess of writing! Please no! Let her use the names of her friends and family, and the bible, maybe. As long as she doesn’t attempt to be creative by making up unspeakable, unreadable pseudo Fantasy names. (Like some)

  42. Fireshark on 9 October 2011, 12:49 said:

    Does she call him Benji-mouse?

  43. Prince O' Tea on 9 October 2011, 18:22 said:

    As long as she’s not trying to kill him to get his crown, then everything is fine and it’s all very good.

  44. Kitty on 9 October 2011, 19:23 said:

    Soon the air sparkled around them, and Joey realized he’d become a man.

    Sorry, just shooting soda out my nose there

  45. BettyCross on 10 October 2011, 02:58 said:

    Soon the air sparkled around them, and Joey realized he’d become a man.

    This is an example of why I keep coming back here. Without the hilarious commentary, I would have no interest whatever in Gloria’s “novels.”

  46. WulfRitter on 10 October 2011, 14:16 said:

    Wow. I leave for vacation and return to find this: hot interspecies sparkle sex. Just wow.

  47. Prince O' Tea on 10 October 2011, 18:53 said:

    And not a sexually repressed vampire in sight to boot!

  48. BettyCross on 10 October 2011, 19:27 said:

    And not a sexually repressed vampire in sight to boot!

    Thank King Ruach for that! I hate vampire stories.

  49. Steph (what is left) on 11 October 2011, 01:23 said:

    … Now I have Bella and Edward’s hot interspecies sparkle sex in my head. WHY???

    The stupid thing is, it actually works. I bet there’s something in Eragon that would fit this, too.

  50. BettyCross on 11 October 2011, 13:54 said:

    As long as she doesn’t attempt to be creative by making up unspeakable, unreadable pseudo Fantasy names. (Like some)

    I disagree. Her books would be even funnier with weird names.

  51. LoneWolf on 11 October 2011, 14:02 said:

    She usually uses German and Greek (with a bit of Latin) for her fantasy names anyway.

  52. swenson on 11 October 2011, 16:38 said:

    “Thank King Ruach” may just become my new favorite phrase, Betty.

  53. Licht on 11 October 2011, 16:48 said:

    “She usually uses German (and Greek)”

    … I wish she would stop doing that.
    Get out of my language, du Mist-Autor, du!

    “I disagree. Her books would be even funnier with weird names.”

    Betty, you’ve got a slightly masochistic side, don’t you?

  54. LoneWolf on 11 October 2011, 18:05 said:

    Come on, what if Gloria introduces a character like Flavius Siegfried Eleftherios?

  55. BettyCross on 11 October 2011, 18:58 said:

    Betty, you’ve got a slightly masochistic side, don’t you?

    Yeah, I admit it.

    Come on, what if Gloria introduces a character like Flavius Siegfried Eleftherios?

    I wish she would. I’m getting tired of names like Danny, Charlie, Justin, and Kerry.

  56. Fireshark on 11 October 2011, 23:23 said:

    Honestly, I really don’t care much about names. As long as I can say them, and the names are all distinct, they’re fine by me.

    I don’t really mind normal modern names either, with certain exceptions. They should be names we think of as old (legend has a King Arthur, and Arthur is still a name today), not history-less names like, say, Nevaeh. They should also all fit in with the other names (Galbatorix shouldn’t share a culture with Angela and Katrina).

  57. Prince O' Tea on 12 October 2011, 08:30 said:

    Let’s not forget Lorris, Ceara and… Gertrude. Or Terrible Trudy as she is sometimes called.

    Still it’s better then when Glo makes up names. Then we end up with BeeBee and DooDoo (Beebe and Dodoo)

    Plus Alanna Terrence actually sounds slightly more… fantasy(ish) then a lot of the Maradonian natives (but I’m probably saying that because it sounds like it could be a character name in FF8 or maybe some of the Tales games). Alanna sounds considerably more fantasyish/unusual then… Ginger and Candice. Or Getrude.

    It kind of reminds me of the Star Ocean games, when the humans often have names like Fayt, Edge and Reimi, and the aliens often have names like Roger, Millie and Sarah.

  58. LoneWolf on 12 October 2011, 15:23 said:

    Justin is respectable enough! There were even two minor Byzantine emperors with that name. It needs to be pronounces “Iustin”, though.

  59. Prince O' Tea on 12 October 2011, 22:23 said:

    What about the commander with the unusual beard? You know, the one who was clearly boning his nephew? What was he called again?

  60. Vikingboybilly on 13 October 2011, 10:17 said:

    Emoogie is the pinnacle of Gloria’s naming genius.

  61. swenson on 13 October 2011, 13:38 said:

    I really like the name Justin, actually. It’s a great name, very old with an interesting history. And I just like the way it sounds, for whatever reason.

    Emoogie, however, needs to be taken out and shot in the back forty, if only to put it out of its misery.

  62. BettyCross on 13 October 2011, 15:23 said:

    Emoogie is just a terrible name.

  63. Fireshark on 13 October 2011, 22:31 said:

    Certain spellings make things look retarded to me. For example, “Emugi” would look better in my opinion, even though it’s almost the same. Certain combinations in English seem impossible to take seriously. I feel “oo” and “ie” look stupid, although I’m sure some would disagree.

  64. BettyCross on 14 October 2011, 07:36 said:

    I feel “oo” and “ie” look stupid, although I’m sure some would disagree.

    You’d really hate Dutch (Nederlands) then. It’s covered up with “ee” and “oo” and “ij” and other vowel combinations you wouldn’t like.

    Five vowel letters isn’t enough for most languages, so they resort to diacritic marks or vowel combinations.

  65. Licht on 14 October 2011, 12:33 said:

    You can write Emoogie every way you want: It sounds stupid in context.
    It would be sweet for something living in the Sesame Street, though.

  66. FireShark on 14 October 2011, 14:34 said:

    @Licht I’ll agree it’s not a good name no matter what. However, the spelling is what makes it sound like a Sesame Street character to me. Also, it sounds better as “jee” than as “(hard g) ee.”

    @BettyCross I have nothing against vowel combinations in general. To me, double vowels, “ie” and “ey” just remind me of diminutives, kind of like a nickname for a baby or a pet. It’s probably a weird personal word association, so I might be alone here.

  67. BettyCross on 14 October 2011, 18:45 said:


    What about the commander with the unusual beard? You know, the one who was clearly boning his nephew? What was he called again?

    Brody. We never found out what was so unusual about Brody’s beard. That’s another nomenclature issue. Nearly every human Mard has only one name. Sometimes — Danny, Charlie, Justin — it’s a first name. Other times — Brody — it’s a last name.

    Names like this are a strong hint Maradonia was colonized from an English speaking country some generations ago. However, Tesch shows no signs of telling us the back story of the civilization.

  68. Requiem on 14 October 2011, 18:54 said:

    Cool Dragon Names: Vaelenor, Sionus, Rathor, Azura, Thanaphel

    Stupid Dragon Names: Emoogie, Doodoo, basically anything gloria has come up with hell at least paolini has decent names like saphira.

  69. Fireshark on 14 October 2011, 19:10 said:

    Maradonia and Alagaesia have the same naming conventions, it seems. Remember how some people in Carvahall have names that sound like last names, like Quimby or Sloan?

  70. Prince O' Tea on 14 October 2011, 19:35 said:

    Maybe his beard was unusual in the sense it made young men want to sleep with their uncles? “What have you brought me this time, you naughty boy?” indeed.

    Saphira is a cool name even if the name has probably been raped to death by Mary Sue fanfiction writers like Sakura, Luna, Hikari and Enoby have been.

  71. BettyCross on 17 October 2011, 10:17 said:

    What possible reason could Gloria have for duplicating a chapter from the middle of the book and pasting at the front as a “prologue,” and always about her underworld Big Bads?

    She’s done this twice now. It’s a complete waste of space.

  72. LoneWolf on 17 October 2011, 11:08 said:

    Well, better about Big Bads then about Count Mordock, Ginger and Candice, and other one-chapter characters.

  73. Licht on 17 October 2011, 12:08 said:

    Maybe she thinks this is what a prologue is supposed to be?

  74. Requiem on 17 October 2011, 12:13 said:

    That’s pretty bad when you can’t even get the gist of what a prologue is actually for and copying and pasting is lazy writing at it’s worst.

  75. Prince O' Tea on 17 October 2011, 14:53 said:

    To be honest just about everything Gloria does is to increase page count by any means possible.

    I’m surprised she doesn’t just do what Dame Sally Markham does.

    It’s like looking into Gloria’s future…

  76. Fireshark on 17 October 2011, 23:37 said:

    Maybe she thinks this is what a prologue is supposed to be?

    It’s nothing compared to her idea of a preface.

  77. Licht on 19 October 2011, 16:05 said:

    At least she knows the difference between published and self-published. ;D

  78. Gryphtalon on 6 December 2011, 13:03 said:

    Hm. In Zoo Tycoon, when animals give birth or lay eggs, the air sparkles around them.

    Maybe that’s where she got it?

  79. Shoobydoo on 4 January 2012, 05:01 said:

    There’s something else that gets me about hawks eating ravens.

    Gloria Tesch is from Florida. The only way she could possibly have ever seen a raven in real life is in a zoo, as ravens do not live within 600 miles of Florida, and even then aren’t common. What Tesch probably fails to realize is that ravens are BLOODY HUGE. Most Americans use the words raven and crow interchangeably, even though American Crows are literally half the size of Common Ravens. Tesch is probably thinking of the “Ravens” as being like crows. A, let’s say, Red-Tail hawk could probably catch and eat a crow with relative ease. It would have much more trouble with the raven, which is the nearly the same size as the hawk. Yeah.

  80. Shoobydoo on 4 January 2012, 14:14 said:

    And that’s completely aside from the fact that corvid behavior patterns patterns wouldn’t let a hawk near even a blue jay. Heck, I’ve watched blue jays (half the size of crows) chase full grown hawks out of the neighborhood through sheer asshole power.

    Why this in particular is what I fixate on out of all this nonsense, I have no idea.

  81. HamsterZerg on 13 December 2013, 16:43 said:

    More cool dragon names- Kingdra, Salamence, Flygon, Garchomp, Dialga, Palkia, Giratina, Haxorus, Rayquaza, Druddigon, Hydreigon, Reshiram, Zekrom, Kyurem, Goodra, Tyrantrum, Latias, Latios, Dragonite

  82. Tim on 13 December 2013, 19:46 said:

    You forgot Trogdor.

  83. HamsterZerg on 16 December 2013, 15:47 said:

    I also forgot Trogador.

    And Altaria.

  84. Random Guy on 22 March 2014, 02:05 said:

    I thought that dead pigeon subplot was going to result in Tesch cribbing from Theseus, (whose father commits suicide because he thinks Theseus is dead because Theseus forgot to put up the “still alive” sails on his ship) and I wasn’t disappointed!

    As for the bird hybrids, they may be pretty… ‘Rawken’, (ahem) but forty or so birds is hardly an army. I mean, Apollyon fielded a two-million man army earlier… somehow. A flock of birds hardly compares.

    I just want to make a “That’s so Rawken” joke now.