Chapter Fifty-Nine – The Valley of the Hovering Spirits

That is an intense haircut.

I’ve mentioned this before, but Tesch really needs to work on her chapter lengths. I’m not saying they need to be exactly the same length or even close to the same length, they just need to be reasonable. Most authors don’t have a huge problem doing that.

Tesch is not most authors. Her chapters are, in many cases, completely arbitrary, ending randomly without any sort of logical gap or cliffhanger that usually denotes chapter splits. Some of her chapters are only one or two pages long. Other chapters are like this one, which checks in at forty pages.

Yes. Forty pages.

Fortunately, nothing really happens in this chapter, so it won’t take too long.

Dominatrix – sorry, Dominatio puts the jar containing Mordock on a shelf, and Maya goes off to visit and feed Prince Michael. She tells Michael that he’ll see his father soon. Why she doesn’t take Michael back to his grieving father immediately…eh, never mind.

Later, Maya sits down and starts thinking. She knows she needs to get Michael back to Genarius soon, but before that happens, apparently she needs to visit the River Valley to…

bq, “…to get an education in the art of fighting with one or with two swords at the same time.” (page 567)


Maya thinks about it for awhile. Apparently, learning how to swordfight is “imperative to her future”. Because it’s not like she’s completely indestructible and has a magical Deus ex Machina hat that renders her invisible and allows her to cross football fields in a single stride.

That twilight Maya had a terrifying nightmare (page 568).

Twilight gives me terrifying nightmares too.

The next day they’re getting ready to go to this valley, but Maya is wearing a dress and soft shoes. Dominatio makes her go to the armory and get leather boots, clothes, gloves, and a helmet, along with some wooden practice swords and shields. Fortunately, the armory is well-stocked with equipment that fits sixteen-year-old girls and they take off shortly afterward on dragon-back.

They arrive in a desert and it’s barren and desert-like.

A red fox sat on the side of the place and gave Maya a contemptuous smile (page 570).

I didn’t know foxes could smile contemptuously.

Dominatio spends a great deal of time explaining. For each day for twelve days one of the spirits of the great warriors, who are forced to live here and train people for reasons that don’t really make sense, will train Maya. Then on the thirteenth day they’ll bust out the actual weapons and Maya will have to fight all twelve of them one after the other. Tesch misspells ‘Spirits’ as ‘Sprits’, which amuses me.

As soon as Maya draws first blood, the spirit will be redeemed and then get to move on to the wonderful afterlife or something, which doesn’t really make sense. Why are these warriors chilling out and waiting for Maya? Wouldn’t they just let themselves be pricked before while fighting someone else so they can go to the Happy Hunting Grounds?

Nothing happens for a few pages and finally the warriors show up. They bitch for awhile about having to fight Maya, so Dominatio quotes Andrew Carnegie:

“The first man gets the oyster. It will be an honor for the first man to train and fight Princess Maya. The second man gets the shell as well as all the others. You will be astonished about the brain power of Maya.” (page 577)

Or lack thereof.

The three wise guys and the dragons all leave except for one dragon, Dasha. The warriors start training Maya and dispensing their wisdom. One spends a page talking about how the most important thing is footwork. The next day the duels start. They fight all day. Without stopping. We’re talking about fourteen straight hours of strenuous exercise. I have to call bullshit on that one. That’s pretty much impossible for a trained warrior in peak physical condition, let alone a flabby sixteen-year-old.

Of course, by the end of the first day she’s able to whack the trained warrior in the ear with her wooden sword. He bleeds and his blood redeems him and off he goes to Heaven. I guess she’s a prodigy. I do wonder, though, why Dominatio explicitly said that Maya was going to fight all twelve guys on the thirteenth day when that clearly isn’t the case, since she can weed some of them out by injuring them during training.

The next day Maya fights a guy with a net and a trident. I have a feeling Tesch watched Gladiator shortly before writing this scene. The warrior tries to net Maya but her lightning reflexes allow her to avoid the net. After that narrow escape, she recalls what they taught her about footwork and is able to use it to evade NetGuy for the rest of the day, and even whack him in the knee.

That night Dasha shows up with magical food from the three wise guys which take away all of Maya’s aches and pains and restores her energy, because what would a grueling trial be if you take away the grueling part?

The next day she’s fighting a Roman sword fighter. Yes, that’s what the text says. A Roman sword fighter. Uh, Tesch? Yeah. We’re in Maradonia. You know, the fantasy world that you created that doesn’t actually exist? Yeah, there’s no such thing as Romans there.

She fights the Roman and keeps dancing away from him and of course, his years of training and experience aren’t able to overcome Maya’s three days of training. Eventually his sword splinters and Maya whacks his shoulder and he bleeds and heads off to heaven.

You know, if a skilled author was writing this, I’d suspect the soldiers were deliberately throwing the fights to get into Heaven, and Maya only thinks she’s doing awesome, but somehow I doubt that’s what Tesch is going for.

That night Maya breaks down crying. Normally I’d have no problem with this, because it’s good characterization, but of course Tesch has to make it weird.

Maya started to cry and said, “I miss my brother Joey. If he would hold my hands right now, I would feel so much better” (page 586).

Okay then.

She angsts about how much fun her school friends are probably having. Uh. I wasn’t aware Maya had any friends. They certainly haven’t been mentioned and Maya hasn’t spent any time thinking about them so far.

“I miss my Mom and my Dad and my little Benji-mouse!” (page 587)


The next day she fights a shmuck with a sneezing problem that she stabs in the throat. To Tesch’s credit, the narration explicitly states that Maya was only able to defeat him due to his own sneezing fit which pretty much made him run into her sword.

Tesch throws in a ‘And so it was…’ and Maya fights everyone else. Even though she’s exhausted and covered in bruises, she’s still awesome at fighting.

The last three swordfighters were black men. Maya, although she was used to strong fighters, was frightened just to look at them because she detected a burning fire in their eyes (page 590).

I love casual racism.

She fights the black guy, and then this happens:

Then, suddenly, he punched Maya in the stomach, and when she bent over to the front, he hit her so hard with his other sword over her lower back that she fell face down into the sand (page 590).


And how, you might ask, does Maya react?

Quickly she cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Listen to me! I am Maya, the princess of Maradonia! I will kill you, when I’m done with your two companions.” (page 591)

That’s our Maya, threatening to kill people because of what happens in practice.

Dasha gives Maya some medicine that she drinks and falls asleep. She dreams about Libertine, who explains that she’ll need this training with swords for when Maya is the ‘Law of Maradonia’. As horrifying as the idea of Maya being the law of Maradonia is, it’s even more horrifying to think she’ll be wielding a sword when she does it. Being the law usually means sitting in judgment and using your logic and reason to make carefully considered decisions, not waving a scimitar that some watery tart lobbed at you.

Maya fights the last two guys to a standstill and does an awesome job. She also sees Sagitta the eagle flying around. Remember Sagitta? It’s been awhile.

Finally, it’s the thirteenth day. Maya is picking out her real sword when Joey shows up on Emoogie. She talks to Dominatio a bit and wonders if she should go invisible and fight the men that way. That way she can bleed all of them so they go to Heaven while not suffering at all.

The fighters are all hanging out in the arena and warming up, so Maya decides to do the honorable thing and charge in and take them all by surprise while they’re still stretching out.

Before the fighters knew what was going on, Maya killed two of them and injured the rest seriously with her double-edged iron sword.

King Joey could not believe his eyes! That was a big shocker for him and he realized in a split second that his sister was an experience sword fighter and had changed dramatically since she returned to Selinka (page 599).

She’s even better than Eragon.

All six men were redeemed! (page 599).

But…only three of them disappear. Even though all six were wounded and bleeding. So all six should have gone immediately to heaven, but only three do. Why, you might ask? Well, uh…anyway, only three disappear, leaving three behind, including that one angry black guy. They hurl a few threats and Maya agrees to fight all three at the same time, but on her rules. Which involves a Tarnkappe. She vanishes and the fight begins. She beheads one guy, stabs the other guy through the heart, and then squares off against the black guy. He’s carefully watching the footprints in the sand and puts up a fight, knocking sand into Maya’s eyes. She recovers, runs around the guy, and chops him in half. Vertically. Right through the top of the skull and through his entire body, which falls in either direction.

That’s a very pleasant image to put into a children’s book. What has Tesch been watching recently, Kill Bill?

Maya talks about how she’s redeemed the warriors and then the earthquake starts. They jump aboard the dragons and fly away before the flood waters arrive. Hooray!

Drinks: Too many to count.

Tagged as: ,


  1. Ridureyu on 22 September 2011, 14:37 said:

    After hearing “Art of Fighting,” I’m totally expecting Mr. Karate to come train her.

    Or Mr. Big. That would be far more amusing.

  2. WulfRitter on 22 September 2011, 15:16 said:

    I miss my brother Joey. If he would hold my hands right now, I would feel so much better

    I see somebody has been taking familial relationship advice from Elsie Dinsmore.

    Oh, and by the way, I officially have no idea what the point of this book is anymore.

  3. swenson on 22 September 2011, 15:23 said:

    I didn’t think anyone could learn swordfighting faster than Eragon. I have been proven wrong. I feel no shame in saying that I whole-heartedly believe that even CP would have made an attempt to show that this trial is really, really hard, as opposed to excessively easy and only taking two weeks. Even Eragon took a couple of months before he was the best fighter evar, and even then it was still clear that he could (and did) lose fights due to his inexperience.

    Also, reading the Inspektor’s spork of Elsie Dinsmore on the forums (more precisely, everyone’s reactions to it… :P) has put me in a very, very bad state of mind to read about Maya wanting to hold Joey’s hands.

    Also, Benji-mouse.

  4. The Cat on 22 September 2011, 15:25 said:

    Wow. Just wow.

    The fighters are all hanging out in the arena and warming up, so Maya decides to do the honorable thing and charge in and take them all by surprise while they’re still stretching out.

    Before the fighters knew what was going on, Maya killed two of them and injured the rest seriously with her double-edged iron sword.

    Great swordsmanship, Maya!

    The funniest part is how Joey is impressed. Hilarious article :)

  5. Requiem on 22 September 2011, 16:17 said:

    bq, “…to get an education in the art of fighting with one or with two swords at the same time.” (page 567)

    I don’t think Tesch realizes how much training you have to go through before you are capable of wielding just one sword, but two? I mean you might be able to find someone who specializes in that sort of thing but even then, it’ll take a few years even with practice to become a skilled at using both at the same time not to mention hands on battle during war to become skilled with them or if you’re musashi.

  6. BettyCross on 22 September 2011, 16:56 said:

    Benji-mouse? I suppose this means the youngest kid in the Swanson household is a toddler or something. A nickname like Benji-mouse wouldn’t be appropriate for any kid older than that.

    On the other hand, her brother is still called Joey even though he’s fourteen now, so … never mind.

    Who’s the guy with the punk-rock hair?

  7. LoneWolf on 22 September 2011, 19:30 said:

    The next day she’s fighting a Roman sword fighter. Yes, that’s what the text says. A Roman sword fighter. Uh, Tesch? Yeah. We’re in Maradonia. You know, the fantasy world that you created that doesn’t actually exist? Yeah, there’s no such thing as Romans there.
    Well, considering all the ties that Maradonia has with our world (Apollyon and Abbadon being the aliens and having psychic communities that worship them) it isn’t that far-fetched.

  8. Vikingboybilly on 22 September 2011, 19:37 said:

    She talks to Dominatio a bit and wonders if she should go invisible and fight the men that way. That way she can bleed all of them so they go to Heaven while not suffering at all.

    How does killing someone while she’s invisible make them suffer less than if she was visible?

  9. BettyCross on 22 September 2011, 20:59 said:

    Yes, that’s what the text says. A Roman sword fighter. Uh, Tesch? Yeah. We’re in Maradonia. You know, the fantasy world that you created that doesn’t actually exist? Yeah, there’s no such thing as Romans there.

    I have the impression Maradonia was colonized by earth-humans some centuries ago, who could possibly have brought with them some knowledge of ancient sword-fighting techniques. So it’s not that far-fetched.

    OMG, I just defended the Maradonia books again. That’s twice. Help me, God.

  10. Dark Glasses on 22 September 2011, 23:16 said:

    YAY! Monty Python reference.

    ‘watery tart lobbed a sword at you’
    Or something.

    I’m a long time lurker, and very recent member. These are so freaking hilarious. Thank you for suffering for us.

  11. Fireshark on 23 September 2011, 01:39 said:

    Just ugh. I don’t even know what’s going on anymore.

    This is just like Paolini, in that the first book has a plot and was written with some enthusiasm, and then the second has no plot and meanders all over the place.

    I also think the humor has started to suffer without Apollyon and friends. Maya and Joey are only funny when they’re spewing motivational quotes. The best stuff comes from the villains in this series.

  12. LoneWolf on 23 September 2011, 02:31 said:

    Yeah, I miss Apollyon. Why did Tesch abandon him, when he was so prominent in “Seven Bridges” and the beginning of “Ophir”?

  13. Vikingboybilly on 23 September 2011, 07:24 said:

    He hasn’t been abandoned. Maya and Joey have done an excellent job avoiding him since they returned to Maradonia. Maya has just earned her warrior queen title by defeating the black man with fiery eyes, so Maya and Joey may start their reprisal against Appollyon soon.

  14. BettyCross on 23 September 2011, 07:26 said:

    @LoneWolf, I suppose the various evil characters are in some sense working for Apollyon or guided by his malignant spirit.

    Since a battle of Armageddeon is coming up (cleverly disguised as Harmon Gorgonia), we can be sure Apollyon will reappear in all his glory.

  15. Prince o' Tea on 23 September 2011, 07:54 said:

    Right… if she wants to train, then why is she cheating using a Tarkappe?
    The whole point of training is to get better at something, not cheating the minute you don’t feel like having a challenge anymore.

    Is it me, or the more Joey mellows out and acts like a human being (for a Tesch character), the more Maya becomes murderous, sociopathic and arrogant? I’ve never heard Joey scream at passers by: “I am King Joey! How dare you displease me? Don’t you know who I am!?!?”

    And I’m glad to see I am not the only one who thinks Genarius will be removed by a King Aegeus storyline. Tesch seems very fond of Greek mythology, and the story of Theseus and the Minotaur is probably one of the most well known greek myths of all, if not the most well known (its up for debate whether Herakles is more famous, or Perseus and Medusa.)

  16. Prince o' Tea on 23 September 2011, 07:57 said:

    Also, what is a Ziggy Stardust tribute band doing in Maradonia?

    Or maybe some groupie threw up into a trash can, the trash can was connected to a wormhole to Maradonia, and the vomit landed splat on some puffy lipped warrior dude.

  17. Fell Blade on 23 September 2011, 08:58 said:

    So, I’m confused. With the whole “bleeding the warriors and sending them back to heaven” thing, does that only work if the ghost is wounded? If not, I’m not sure that Maya’s threat to kill the black warrior with angry eyes is gonna do much good. If killing them (again) sends them to heaven, why would she threaten to kill him? Ah, logic! Maya is turning into the most arrogant little brat I could possibly imagine.

    Also I love how Tesch tells us that these siblings are constantly surprised by how much the other person is growing. Maya was always surprised by Joey’s “maturity” in Seven Bridges. Now I guess it’s Joey’s turn to be surprised by Maya’s…warrior skills?

    Oh, by the way Tesch, I’m not impressed by Maya beating these last three guys. It’s not as if it takes a great deal of skill to fight people WHEN YOU’RE INVISIBLE!!!!!!!

  18. Prince o' Tea on 23 September 2011, 10:06 said:

    Well Gloria seems to think you can master archery in one lesson, so it makes sense that she thinks you can master seven different weapons in a week including heavily cumbersome weapons like tridents, which any fool can tell you is going to be completely different to using a sword or a dagger. Maya obviously thinks she’s Link.

    Not only that, but how the point of the exercise is that she is properly trained in combat, not to just beat the enemies through any means possible. What she is doing is basically:
    Maya wants to learn proper swordplay. After a few hours, she decides swordplay is boring and she doesn’t approve of her tutors actually teaching her instead of babying her and letting her win, so she has a laser cannon grafted to her sword that incinerates whatever she points it at. She explodes all the people who were training her, and then she considers herself a master swordswoman.

    THE END.

  19. Prince o' Tea on 23 September 2011, 10:11 said:

    Also, if you are injured in battle, throwing down your weapon, cupping your hands round your mouth to throw a hissy fit at your attacker, is not a Super Effective battle technique, for reasons too obvious and too numerous to name.

    I hope she tries something similar with Apollyon, who uses Little Madam’s Tantrum as an oppertunity to slice her in half. Preferably before she could even finish saying “How dare you!”

  20. Fell Blade on 23 September 2011, 10:21 said:

    Haha, laser canon… Yeah, I love the whole cupping her hands over her mouth part! Sheer brilliance. She’s going for the Banshee effect here I think.

    And I agree about Apollyon, except he should let her say some of that line.

    “Listen to me! I am Maya, princess of…” slice

    Apollyon: “I’m sorry, what was that?”

  21. Fell Blade on 23 September 2011, 10:47 said:

    @Swenson, where is that Elsie Dinsmore spork you referred to? I would love to read that (I was forced to read that book several years ago and genuinely hated it from cover to cover).

  22. Karamazova on 23 September 2011, 11:12 said:

    Also, reading the Inspektor’s spork of Elsie Dinsmore on the forums

    I got a mention! maybe I should post it on the main page?

  23. Prince o' Tea on 23 September 2011, 12:42 said:

    Totally agreed Fell Blade, but it has to be “How dare you!” It wouldn’t feel like Maya if she wasn’t using that phrase!
    “How dare you attack me? I am Maya princess of BLURRRGHGHHHHH BLEEED GUSH” slump dead.

    Oh and he has to throw her corpse into the mermaid lake, after taking her crown. She can sleep with the fishes instead of her crown, haha.

  24. Fell Blade on 23 September 2011, 12:49 said:

    That would sound better, especially after Maya being disarmed or something in the fight. =D

  25. Prince o' Tea on 23 September 2011, 13:14 said:

    Oh no, I like the idea of her being armed, to show how utterly incompetent with a weapon she is, and that cheating during her training meant that she didn’t improve her skill at all.

    Then she can drop her weapons, cup her hands around her mouth to whiningly shout at the man next to her, and then he just slices her in half down the middle.

    And then everyone rejoices in the death of the loathsome Maya Sue, and then they execute Joey to make sure the Curse of Suedom is lifted from the land, and everyone goes to the Evil Waterpark to celebrate. The mermaids turn up, and everyone gets shitfaced on Odin Fruit.

    Aunty Susan recovers from her cancer, the Swansons realize how much better their lives without their Suey offspring and focus their efforts on raising little Benji mouse so he doesn’t end up being an arrogant, sociopathic little shit like his siblings.

    And they all live happily ever after, except the people in the underworld that Joey did not bother to save or give a drop of water because he was a sociopath.

    DA END

  26. LoneWolf on 23 September 2011, 13:26 said:

    I want it all to end in the tradition of Soviet YA fantasy. Maya becomes the Queen of Maradonia, ruling with an Iron Fist, but then, a heroic girl from the Red Youth movement somehow also finds the way to Maradonia. She leads the people of Maradonia in a revolutionary uprising against Queen Maya and her feudal rule. The freed people of Maradonia then help the Tyronians overthrow king Joey and defeat his army of Dragons. Some of the Dragons go to the revolutionary side, too. And everyone is happy ever after – since Soviet YA fantasy didn’t like to raise uncomfortable issues about the aftermath of a Revolution.

  27. Prince o' Tea on 23 September 2011, 13:43 said:

    Can the heroic red youth girl be the reincarnation of Alana Terrance?

  28. Fell Blade on 23 September 2011, 14:08 said:

    Yeah, I just mean that in the fight Apollyon schools her, and she either gets wounded or disarmed or something and then pitches a fit like she did here when someone actually showed her up. She needs something really dumb to whine about, like someone with real training beating the living daylights out of her. If she just whines without cause that takes some of the humor out of it.
    This whole thing reminds me of a little prince (or princess in this case) who enjoys playing games against the servants because because they are never allowed to beat a royal.

  29. BettyCross on 23 September 2011, 14:14 said:

    Can the heroic red youth girl be the reincarnation of Alana Terrance?

    That was my hope when I started reading the sporks of “Ophir.” The Prince O’Tea is completely right. It could be a much better story.

  30. Fireshark on 23 September 2011, 14:26 said:

    The bit about Soviet YA fantasy was interesting. Can anyone name a specific title with an English translation available?

  31. Prince o' Tea on 23 September 2011, 14:27 said:

    Yeah I remember reading that Betty. Its kind of funny that Alanna ended up being much more interesting and likable then any of the mains. I had a readthrough of Harry Potter the other day, and realized how much I’ve come to dislike the mains so much for so many reasons. I actually would have made Luna, Neville and Cho (I think the character got such a raw deal from both the author and the fans its not true) the main characters. (I like how in the last book, Neville got up and got stuff done, and didnt need deus ex machinas like phoenix tears and wands that vomit ghosts to help him.) Im not a big fan of HP at all, but there are some minor elements of it I really like.

    Yeah Fell, I was reading some books based on the life of Empress Cixi, and the character had to watch her son being spoiled into a lazy, ignorant, arrogant brat because of the court around him. (she was not the empress but a concubine so she did not get to be the first mother) It sounded a lot like our favorite little Sue. Alana really needs a comeback.

  32. LoneWolf on 23 September 2011, 15:04 said:

    “The bit about Soviet YA fantasy was interesting. Can anyone name a specific title with an English translation available?”

    Well, it was aimed more at ages 9-15, not actual YA. Usually they were called “fairy tales”, though they were too long-winded and twisty for that. Their general style and atmosphere was similar to the first book of Harry Potter.

    Can’t find any detailed English translation right now, but I’ve think you’ve got the impression of it though my version of Maradonia. Here’s a summary of one of the most prominent tales like that.

  33. Prince o' Tea on 23 September 2011, 15:52 said:

    That is true, so I always raise an eyebrow when people try and convince me they are for adults, or at least YA (which is one of the many problems I have with the series). I mean, really? But that’s not for here.

    I wonder if Gloria actually does have an idea for “nine books” in the series, when its pretty obvious she is making it up as she goes along (Ophir manages to be even more nonsensical and scrambled then 7 Bridges). The fact that she says there 9 books in her trilogy is proof of that.

  34. LoneWolf on 23 September 2011, 15:55 said:

    Well, speaking about Harry Potter, I think that by the latter books, the author wasn’t sure herself whether her books are YA or not, which resulted in some inconsistencies.

  35. Igloo on 23 September 2011, 22:14 said:

    Benji, the little brother? He’s mentioned again?

  36. Costanza on 23 September 2011, 22:49 said:

    Reading these sporks, my opinions have gone like this:

    What? The hell is this? No way this is published.

    Oh wow this is REALLY bad.

    Oh wow, this is REALLY funny.

    Wait, huh?


    Oh God.

    Kill me now.

    I just don’t care anymore. I hate this shit so much I can hardly stand to read the tiny little excerpts that are being mocked…

    Yeah. Seven Bridges is waaaaay better than Ophir, IMO. At least Seven Bridges has somewhat of a narrative. This? This is just….an abortion.

  37. Requiem on 23 September 2011, 23:37 said:

    I just want to see the ending to this story even though it is god awful, I want to see the club of evil ride out to battle on unicorns fighting against blood thirsty mermaids and see ufo’s attack the two sue’s. I imagine it might look like something from the end of kung pao enter the fist only intentionally serious.

  38. LoneWolf on 24 September 2011, 04:26 said:

    Come on, “Ophir” doesn’t have random quotes and italics abuse. This got to count for something, right?

  39. BettyCross on 24 September 2011, 07:50 said:

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: In self-publication there’s no quality control unless the author seeks it herself.

  40. Fireshark on 24 September 2011, 13:04 said:

    @LoneWolf Thanks for the link.

    Maradonia Libs:

    Maya and Joey were (verb)ing when (event) happened. (It) was because of a(n) (good/evil) person who did (thing you have a strong opinion on). Maya and Joey (helped/hurt) (him/her) by (name of magic person or item). (Vague description). (Person) said that (Maya, Joey or both) was/were (growing, maturing, or wise). After finding (good person), (Maya or Joey) described the whole adventure so far. Then (Bible story, especially obscure Old Testament one) happens in (location).

  41. Licht on 24 September 2011, 14:54 said:

    Requiem, there is no ending to this story. It goes on FOREVER! AND EVER AND EVER AND EEEVER!

  42. Prince o' Tea on 24 September 2011, 18:07 said:

    Gloria Tesch probably has an idea for 30 more books in the “saga”.

    Unfortunately nothing will happen in any of them.

  43. Licht on 24 September 2011, 18:20 said:

    Oh, a lot will happen in them. But nothing of it will be relevant in any way.

  44. Requiem on 24 September 2011, 20:35 said:

    So Gloria Tesch is writing books that people will be forced to read in hell, there won’t be any fire just bad movies, the my immortal book,the room, and many maradonia books to read for all eternity because they never end.

  45. Prince O' Tea on 26 September 2011, 08:07 said:

    I swear, is this like the third time Benji has been mentioned in how many books now? We didn’t even find out they had a little brother until half way through the first book.

    Ah well at least they thought about him. They haven’t spared a thought for “dear” Auntie Sarah and her convenient cancer.

  46. BettyCross on 26 September 2011, 08:16 said:

    there won’t be any fire just bad movies

    Film versions of all GT’s books, directed by the damned soul of Uwe Boll.

  47. BettyCross on 26 September 2011, 16:18 said:

    Somewhere GT said Joey was based on her brother Johnathan. Well, it’s amazing what you can fine on YouTube. Here’s Jonathan Tesch’s you tube channel, for those who are interested to know what inspired Joey.

  48. Vikingboybilly on 26 September 2011, 16:57 said:

    So Joey was inspired by… a kid who edits together a montage of himself doing unimpressive skateboard jumps over and over to reggae music? He even breaks the skateboard, and lo and behold, at the end there is an advert for!

    Does he really want to be associated with his sister’s books? It looks like they both got the same editor for their videos.

  49. Prince O' Tea on 26 September 2011, 17:24 said:

    I still wonder if Gloria is related to Tommy Wiseau on her father’s side, and Denise Ellis on her mother’s. It runs in the family.

  50. Prince O' Tea on 26 September 2011, 17:27 said:

    Lulz at the Zombie Nation trailer, featuring Gloria as an “FBI agent”.

  51. BettyCross on 26 September 2011, 18:04 said:

    I missed that one till you called it to my attention, Prince. Funny how the “zombies” don’t look any different from any other kids, except for growling and opening their mouths very wide.

    This one and the video at the top of NathanJohn’s page both show a light-haired boy that is presumably the real life prototype of Benji-Mouse.

  52. Fireshark on 26 September 2011, 18:04 said:

    @BettyCross LOLOLOLOL Although I admit, it looks like they had fun making those zombie videos. It’s not like they used sock puppets to promote them.

  53. Vikingboybilly on 26 September 2011, 23:28 said:

    “There’s an infection. I’m getting it on the satellite radiar.”


  54. BettyCross on 27 September 2011, 07:54 said:

    @Vikingboybilly, it must be a magical maradonian satellite radar.

  55. BettyCross on 27 September 2011, 12:18 said:

    I still wonder if Gloria is related to Tommy Wiseau on her father’s side, and Denise Ellis on her mother’s. It runs in the family.

    I’ve seen so much bad writing in my lifetime, I’ve come to conclude that Bad Writing is a dominant gene. It’s enough to get it from one side of the family.

  56. Prince o' Tea on 29 September 2011, 11:40 said:


    Am I the only one who thinks “The Time Machine” when I hear that? I wonder if we will get a character named Elloy to go with Mordock.

  57. BettyCross on 29 September 2011, 16:47 said:

    @Prince, only if Mordock eats Elloy.

  58. BettyCross on 30 September 2011, 16:58 said:

    On YouTube, I came across the following announcement that production of the Maradonia movie has been “cancelled.”

    The youtube video is dated August 15, 2011.

    I don’t know whether this is legit or not. I suspect not, since pythonnews also has the video of Gloria cat-fighting another girl, not something you’d expect to find on a pro-Tesch youtube channel.

  59. autumnfey on 2 October 2011, 14:49 said:

    Ugh, I hate these unrealistically fast sword training episodes in books. Although the worst Mary Sue I’ve seen in this regard is not Eragon or Maya, but Luce from the Fallen books, who beat a more experienced and enthusiastic fencing partner in only one sparring session. And this is the girl who laid herself down on an alter to be killed when a villain told her to. Facepalm

  60. Fireshark on 3 October 2011, 00:06 said:

    @BettyCross: That’s not a real Tesch channel. However, production has almost certainly stalled; the Tesches just don’t want to admit it.

  61. Licht on 3 October 2011, 12:02 said:

    Small wonder she believes she’s famous. If people create fake-channels in her name…

  62. meaningless prose on 24 October 2011, 16:53 said:

    One of my favorite descriptions of what a chapter should be is here:
    Gloria should read it, but she won’t.

  63. Evil Imperialist on 2 November 2013, 03:21 said:

    “I actually would have made Luna, Neville and Cho (I think the character got such a raw deal from both the author and the fans its not true) the main characters.”

    Or better yet, Draco Malfoy, whom Da Chozen Wun loses no opportunity to be bitchy about. Harry is very brave, and loyal to his friends, but he is terribly stupid at times, ego-centric, and pitifully incapable of seeing any POV but his own. Draco OTOH is victimised by him & Ron & Hermione from the start, for no reason expect that Draco’s appearance & manner remind Harry of Dudley Dursley. A Draco’s eye view of Harry & his doings would look very different from the Harry’s eye view JKR gives us. I like the books v. much – but Harry is flawed.