Chapter Fifty-Five – Count Mordock

We get a description of Mordock. He’s short, wears a bright red robe with a hood and red mask.

He hated the kids in the villages around his castle and he played tricks on them whenever he could.

Count Mordock was a thief and he loved to steal the children’s toys and his specialty was to break into the hen houses of the villagers, stealing geese, ducks and chicken (page 527).

So I think that’s supposed to be ‘chickens’ rather than ‘chicken’, but setting that aside, this guy is rich enough to own his own castle and he spends his time stealing toys and breaking into hen houses? Sure, I can buy into the idea of a rich guy stealing for the hell of it, but hen houses? Where is the sport in that?

Mordock practices magic in his spare time and then tests spells in the villages:

The simple people of the villages were always speechless and absolutely powerless when the wool of their sheep turned green (page 527)


Anyway, a messenger arrives from Dominatio and invites him to a conference on Villusio Island. Mordock asks some questions and then the messenger makes the mistake of calling Mordock one of the leading wizards in the world. Mordock is insulted, so he summons some wind that picks the messenger up and torments him for a bit and eventually asks if the messenger wants to be turned into a dragonfly or a spider. Before the messenger can reply, Mordock decides that dragonflies are prettier, so he turns the messenger into a dragonfly, traps him in a jar, and then pokes a couple holes in the lid.

The count started dancing around the glass jar on the floor and uttered, “Dominatio…Dominatio and your wand, who is the most powerful wizard in the Land?” (page 532)

Seriously? Fucking seriously? I mean, okay, you rip off Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, fair enough. And yeah, there’s the fact that it doesn’t rhyme. At all. But…you have a count in a red dress dancing around a glass jar that contains a guy he just turned into a firefly, making rhymes about a wizard’s wand? Seriously, Tesch?

I really hope this scene makes it into the movie.

Mordock decides he’s going to turn Dominatio and Melchisedek and Yogananda into cockroaches, and the chapter ends.

Chapter Fifty-Six – The Spell

Surprise! It turns out that Maya actually followed the messenger in her invisible state and was watching the entire thing, on Dominatio’s advice, because he doesn’t trust Mordock.

The Count was not only a strange man, short and slender, but he was filled with pride. And mostly, he used his own version of the ‘Triple P’…Power, Passion and Poison to reach his goals (page 535).

Words fail me.

As Mordock journeys, he has the odd feeling that someone is watching him, which Maya is. Eventually, Mordock notices fresh footprints which worries him, but he decides that it doesn’t actually matter.

Mordock then launches into a two-page speech about how awesome he is and how he’ll turn Dominatio into a cockroach and keep him in a glass jar on his shelf and it will be awesome and he’ll name Dominatio ‘Kakalaki’, which is cute. Then he gets up and dances again.

Chapter Fifty-Seven – Villusio Island

They arrive at a coastal city near Villusio Island. Some children are following the carriage demanding that Morlock prove his wizardliness, but Morlock gets angry and decides to prove why it’s a bad idea to piss off a sorcerer with anger problems.

He lifted up his arms and cast a heavy cough spell on them (page 540).

The children start coughing and can’t breathe so they all run away, and Morlock screams after them that if they ever piss him off again, he’ll turn them into woodpeckers [???]. Maya jumps off the top of the carriage and grazes one of the horses with her elbow and spooks it. Okay, this calls for an illustration.

So you have a carriage. The nice things about carriages is that the horses are only at the front of the carriage, so you have three excellent angles for if you need to jump off the roof. Now, if there’s nobody behind you, most people would probably jump off the back, because there’s no chance of accidentally getting tangled up in the wheels if you slip on takeoff. However, if that doesn’t work, leaping off the left or right side is nearly as good: as long as your legs are decent you’ll probably be able to pull it off successfully.

So, what does Maya do? She does exactly what you’d expect: she leaps off the carriage TOWARDS THE FRONT and hits one of the horses as she does so.

And let’s not forget that she’s wearing the Tarnkappe while she does that. The magical Deus ex Machina hat that lets her clear tall buildings in a single bound? Yeah, that one. And she can’t jump more than a few feet.

Anyway, this entire scene doesn’t lead to anything, so it was pointless. Tesch throws in a ‘And so it was…’ and Maya heads off to Villusio Island on a ferry. She meets up with the three wise men but they tell her she doesn’t need to explain anything that happened because they’ve already seen it. Turns out that Melchisedek blessed Maya by touching her forehead before he left. As he explains this, Maya suddenly realizes that Melchie looks a bit like AstroJesus:

A warm shower rained down her spine (page 545).

Uh…a warm shower?

Melchie rambles for a bit and eventually reveals what happened when he blessed Maya with the spirit:

“But the spirit that did go out from me, gave me report about everything you saw, heard and experienced. Every moment of your journey I saw everything you saw on the screen of my own mind.” (page 546)

That’s a little creepy and disturbing. So Melchie and his cronies were sitting there listening in when, say, Maya stopped to pee? And they put this on her without her permission? I kinda expect Maya to go all Jadis on them, but she thinks nothing of it and they move on.

Emoogie then pipes up and says he thinks Maya has the answer to their problems, because she can turn invisible. Plus, the best way to solve the problem of having a powerful sorcerer that wants to kill you is to teach him a good lesson. So: Maya will be invisible and they’ll give her a big mirror. Then, when Mordock gets there, he’ll cast a spell towards Dominatio to turn him into a cockroach, but invisible Maya with her invisible mirror will jump between them and reflect the spell back to Mordock which will turn Mordock into a cockroach. It’s foolproof!

“I am totally convinced that Maya will do this at the right moment and that her timing will be perfect as usual.” (page 550)

You have far more faith in Maya than I do.

Emoogie has more bright ideas:

“Be prepared my friends… have a big glass available, grab the cockroach and close the lid. Cockroaches love bread. Have it available to feed the sorcerer.” (page 550)

Cockroaches love bread, huh?

Then, they’ll keep him alive in a jar and talk to him for awhile and see if he’ll give up his anger, pride, and evil powers, and join the side of righteousness, because there is no possible way that Mordock might be furious at being turned into a cockroach and then kept inside a glass prison and fed only bread and then swear to devote the rest of his life to brutally killing each and every one of them.

They ask Maya what she thinks of the idea, and she’s totally on board:

“Basically it makes a lot of sense to me to carry an invisible mirror and protect the wise men from any harm.” (page 552)

Of course it does.

Chapter Fifty-Eight – Exchange of Punches

That’s a great chapter title. It’s almost a pity no punches are thrown in this chapter.

Mordock gets to Villusio Island and is so happy that soon it will all be his that he breaks out in a little dance. You know, Tesch really struggles at making her villains…scary.

After some more nothing, Mordock gets inside the castle and Dominatio greets him eloquently and then asks where the messenger is. Mordock explains that he turned him into a dragonfly and pulls out the jar. The three wise men are very impressed and the Dominatio says that while the magic required to turn someone into a dragonfly is pretty awesome, Mordock won’t get any real credit from them unless he can turn the dragonfly back into a man. Mordock takes the bait and changes him back into a man. The messenger starts screaming about how evil Mordock is and runs away.

Dominatio asks Mordock what his real motives are and launches into a speech about how he’s not very nice. Mordock is unfazed and starts monologuing about how he’s incredibly powerful and then he tells them that he’s going to turn them all into cockroaches. Okay, here’s a tip, Mordock, and I won’t even charge you for it. If you’re facing off against three powerful wizards and you’re planning on turning them into cockroaches, it’s a good idea to try to maintain something I like to call “the element of surprise”. What that means is that you don’t fucking tell someone you’re about to turn them into a cockroach, you just do it.

Maya, of course, uses this audio cue to step between them with the mirror. Mordock casts the spell, it hits the mirror and rebounds, and Mordock is cockroach’d. They grab him, stick him in a jar, utter a few dramatic Ice Cream Koans, and that is that.

Drinks: 82

Tagged as: ,


  1. LoneWolf on 16 September 2011, 18:26 said:

    These chapters make a tiny bit more sense then the preceding ones.

    Count Mordock is sure petty.

    And I notice that we are on a random unrelated plotline again. I bet the Mordock storyline won’t have anything to do with the rest of the book.

    I think that Maya deliberately. waited so long before sending to Genarius the news about the baby’s revival. I bet she hoped that Genarius would be completely broken and commit suicide, leaving Maya as the ‘Queen of Maradonia’. I actually think that Genarius will commit suicide in one of the next chapters.

    Who’s with me?

  2. Requiem on 16 September 2011, 18:49 said:

    Whatever happened to the two big bads? Usually in a story you focus on the heroes and the villains and whatever they are working towards right? I mean are all these characters going to play an integral part in the end or are they just there for the hell of it? I feel pretty lost right now but then again this is Maradonia we are talking about.

  3. LoneWolf on 16 September 2011, 18:54 said:

    They’ve been Orcusing on their Throne so far.

  4. Sum Mortis on 16 September 2011, 21:00 said:

    This is pathetic writing. I honestly wrote better and more understandable stories when I was 10 or 11, though admittedly they were still awful.

    As bad as Seven Bridges was, this book almost makes me pine for it. There is no plot in this book- just none.

  5. Vikingboybilly on 16 September 2011, 21:14 said:

    I ROFLMAO’d the whole way through this set of chapters. How did we go from reading random bible quotes from norse runes to this wizard mordock?

    This new paramount of unintentional hilarity calls for a new album.

    1. Stealing ducks, geese and chicken.
    2. When the wool of their sheep turned green.
    3. Domination and your wand, who is the most powerful wizard in the land?
    4. The Triple P: Power, Passion, and Poison.
    5. Kakalaki.
    6. A heavy cough spell.
    7. A warm shower rain down her spine.
    8. On the Screen of my own Mind.
    9. Basically it makes a lot of sense.
    10. I am totally convinced that Maya will do this at the right moment and that her timing will be perfect as usual. (IATCTMWDTATRMATHTWBPAU)
    11. An Invisible Mirror.
    12. Cockroaches love bread.

    A few dramatic Ice Kream Koans? I’m very interested in a transcription of those, Rorscach.

  6. swenson on 16 September 2011, 22:57 said:

    She meets up with the three wise men but they tell her she doesn’t need to explain anything that happened because they’ve already seen it.

    Thank goodness. Maybe Tesch realized her infodumps were getting boring to write?

    “Basically it makes a lot of sense to me to carry an invisible mirror and protect the wise men from any harm.”

    THIS ONE IS GOING ON MY LIST. Best crazy Tesch quote in a long time!

  7. LucyWanabe on 17 September 2011, 03:56 said:

    Jeez. Tesch couldn’t have been more obvious about Mordock’s inherent evilness. I half expected him to twirl his moustache.

  8. LoneWolf on 17 September 2011, 06:13 said:

    I disagree that it’s pathetic writing! To write stuff like

    The simple people of the villages were always speechless and absolutely powerless when the wool of their sheep turned green

    You need to have a specific talent for bad writing. Gloria is talented, in her own, unique way.

  9. BettyCross on 17 September 2011, 08:14 said:

    Now I understand why Rorschach waited so long before this installment. To actually read so much dumbness must be very hard to do in one go.

  10. LoneWolf on 17 September 2011, 08:20 said:

    These chapters sound like an ordinary badly written fairy tale. I find it interesting how Gloria constantly changes her genre – from Jack Chick to pseudo-detective plot to baby air pressure schizophrenia to a fairy tale.

  11. BettyCross on 17 September 2011, 09:27 said:

    She said in a radio interview she enjoyed reading the Magic Treehouse books. Has anybody read any of those? Are they anything like this?

  12. Alyssa on 17 September 2011, 09:29 said:

    Maradonia has become so convoluted it’s not even funny anymore, it’s just plain ole stupidity. Maybe she should write something else since she’s trying WAY too hard to put ideas into ONE story. (I’m guilty of it but now, I don’t do that anymore)

  13. Licht on 17 September 2011, 09:36 said:

    Second Betty.

    Also: – “He’s short, wears a bright red robe with a hood and red mask.”
    Shit! I know that guy! xD

    - I’m SO looking forward to a “Triple P” T-shirt. That’s so much cooler than Triple X.

    - To be fair, in German we say “Regenschauer”, which is “Regen” = “rain” and “Schauer” = “shower” but also “thrill”, “shudder” or “shiver”. We would never say something equivalent to “A warm shower rained down her spine”, though. That sounds as if someone peed at her.

    - The cockroach-glass-trick reminds me of Der gestiefelte Kater(Puss in Boots). Who tells the magician that he surely isn’t able to transform himself into a mouse…

  14. Licht on 17 September 2011, 09:49 said:

    I haven’t read the tree-house books, but I put them on the shelves back when I worked at a small bookstore and my boss ordered them. That has to mean something. She could be such a nasty person, but she was awesome when it came to children and children’s books.
    I doubt she would sell the Maradonia books to anyone.

    When the wool of their sheep turned green:

    Underneath the leaves where the sheep’s wool turns blue
    If there’s room for me
    There’s room for you
    Place your ear to the ground, you hear a voice
    It sings the song
    The whole night long
    I am the melody of the wool turned green
    What comes between me
    You and me…

    Yes, that’s stolen… Actually, it’s from “Melody of a fallen Tree”.

  15. BettyCross on 17 September 2011, 09:50 said:

    @Licht, once again we see Gloria’s German background influencing her English prose in unfortunate ways.

    “A warm shower rained down her spine.” … That sounds as if someone peed at her.

    I know. I’d rather not know about Gloria’s personal fetishes, thank you very much.

  16. Licht on 17 September 2011, 10:06 said:

    I’m only responsible for what I write, not for what you think reading it. -

    While we’re at it. I’ve been thinking about reading your book. But I fear it’s just not entirely to my taste… What happend to your Fantasy novel?

    Also, I’m still not sure if she HAS a German background.
    I’d never write such nonsense. Although, I admit, sometimes I do evil things to this wonderful language. But I’d never write something like that. Ever.

  17. Pnikkis on 17 September 2011, 10:34 said:

    I still can’t believe she still thinks this drivel is quality writing. What is she now, 16, 17? Just how deluded can a person get when no one tells him/her the truth about the quality of their work?

    Her newest promotional video is pure lol:

  18. Vikingboybilly on 17 September 2011, 11:04 said:

    SPOILERS Maya becomes a warrior queen by Law of Blood.
    She urges us to go to and buy a copy, and is still the way it always was, with every book being “sold out” except Gold of Ophir and Law of Blood.

  19. BettyCross on 17 September 2011, 11:17 said:

    While we’re at it. I’ve been thinking about reading your book. But I fear it’s just not entirely to my taste… What happend to your Fantasy novel?

    These days I’m hard at work with the editor my publisher has assigned to me, to get it ready. I call this the “final edit.” I estimate it’s about 80 per cent done.

    One of the things it needs is a map. Once I get the map ready, publication as an ebook and somewhat later as a paperback will soon follow.

    It does have a title, “Mistress of the Topaz” and will have a sequel. When it’s ready, I’ll notify the Imps through the Impish Idea Facebook page.

    Double Dragon posts the first few pages of each novel on their website to give you some idea what it’s about. Maybe from that you’ll be able to decide whether it’s to your taste.

  20. BettyCross on 17 September 2011, 11:22 said:

    SPOILERS Maya becomes a warrior queen by Law of Blood.

    I’m not looking forward to the reign of the Warrior Queen. As for King Joey, he needs to start calling himself Joseph the First ASAP. “King Joey” makes him sound like a putz.

  21. Clibanarius on 17 September 2011, 11:29 said:

    “A warm shower rained down her spine.” … That sounds as if someone peed at her.

    I fell out my chair. But what about the rest of her? Rain isn’t exactly selective about where it hits.

  22. Licht on 17 September 2011, 11:38 said:

    Now that sounds promising. I thought you might have gotten problems with that publisher and it had come to nothing… I’m glad to hear such good news. :)

    I’m not really that much into SciFi, so anything else is already closer to my taste.

    Anything you are allowed to give away about it?

    The King
    of bling
    The King
    who brought back partying.

  23. BettyCross on 17 September 2011, 12:41 said:

    “Mistress of the Topaz” is the story of a battle between two powerful women, each armed with a different magical power, for control of their world. One of them is more sympathetic than the other, but neither is a Sue.

    The cover art will give you some idea of the flavor of it.!/photo.php?fbid=225256380860609&set=a.203864826333098.68626.100001287456870&type=1&theater

  24. Inspector Karamazov on 17 September 2011, 13:08 said:

    OH I totally had a dream last night. I was at Uni, and I was taking a Maradonia class. We call got handed copies of the first book and had to read them.
    It was awesome.

  25. BettyCross on 17 September 2011, 13:26 said:

    @Karamazov, I had very nearly same dream. The only exam question was, “Evaluate ‘M. and the Seven Bridges.’” I finished early, so the prof told me to come back at the end of the period because we had a special guest. I came back in the room, and there was Gloria Tesch. All the students looked at her in embarrassed silence. We all thought her book was crap.

  26. BettyCross on 17 September 2011, 14:18 said:

    She looks and sounds older now. She turned 17 in April. At 18, I realized how bad my first fictional effort was, and threw it away. I hope she gets to that point soon.

  27. Licht on 17 September 2011, 15:27 said:

    If only I were on facebook v.v (That is: I’m so glad I’m not on facebook. I refuse to be. If only the cover art would be somewhere else to look at…)

    What?! And I thought my “ghost dogs eating my face and people without mouths burning me alive” dream was something to worry about.

    Gloria has scarf-skin where the soft spot should be that hurts when you realize your work isn’t as good as you thought it was. I doubt she will ever see how bad her story is. Even if it’s just because she can’t possibly admit that her critics were right.

  28. BettyCross on 17 September 2011, 16:23 said:

    @Licht, if you want me to email you the cover art, I’ll gladly do it.

  29. Vikingboybilly on 17 September 2011, 17:19 said:

    Something Gloria Tesch has never seen:

  30. Inspector Karamazov on 17 September 2011, 20:17 said:

    @BettyCross Oh, hahaha. Luckily Gloria didn’t show up in my dream, although a giant spider the size of my head did. Maybe it was Gloria in disguise?

  31. Licht on 18 September 2011, 01:19 said:

    That would be… hey! You already did! Thank you :)

    Was it a jeweled giant spider? Then yes.

  32. Fireshark on 18 September 2011, 01:30 said:

    @BettyCross: I read some of the Magic Treehouse stuff when I was in first grade or so, and it isn’t really anything like Maradonia. The only thing they have in common is a brother and sister as the main characters. The Magic Treehouse was very much story-based with a new location and time period in every book, while Maradonia appears to be an attempt at character-driven writing (after all, nothing’s happening).

    Overall, I think the Magic Treehouse is a pretty good series for young kids. If I remember Tesch’s interview though, she was a little old for that stuff when she got into it (though I suppose it depends on her reading level).

  33. LoneWolf on 18 September 2011, 02:56 said:

    Oh, there’re many things happening in Maradonia, it’s just that all they are not integrated to the non-existent overall plot at all.

  34. Vikingboybilly on 18 September 2011, 09:32 said:

    @Lonewolf: You are mistaken. All these events are connected. The trials Maya goes through and the new skills she learns instantly is what will all come together to mold her into the Warrior Queen Maya Swanson.

  35. LoneWolf on 18 September 2011, 10:40 said:

    Of course! My inability to understand the Deep Purpose of the trials and tribulations Maya goes though only underlines the Maradonia-Brilliance.

  36. Licht on 18 September 2011, 11:25 said:

    As long as GTesch doesn’t pose as warrior queen…

  37. Vikingboybilly on 18 September 2011, 11:49 said:

    I wonder if their hearts are torn for their dying grandmother in the hospital while all this nonsense is happening.

  38. LoneWolf on 18 September 2011, 13:32 said:

    It’s their Aunt Sarah, not their grandmother. You clearly have not been paying enough attention to the Subtle Nuances of the Maradonia-Saga.

  39. BettyCross on 18 September 2011, 13:34 said:

    @Vikingboy, I still like my idea for Alanna Terrence. When I heard she was going to die, I was hoping she’d also find her way to Maradonia and face Maya and Joseph the First on the battlefield. But instead we got “boom-goes-the-car.”

    BTW, I recall from “Bridges” that Alanna’s clothes had lacings on the sleeves. In the recent video of Gloria shooting an arrow, there are lacings on her sleeves. I guess that isn’t only a “goffick movement” thing after all.

  40. LoneWolf on 18 September 2011, 13:46 said:

    Gloria has problems integrating her storylines in one whole. Her though process goes like that: “I’d be cool if Maya and Joey were involved in a detective poisoning plot with an ‘action’ showdown! Great, I had written it. How, what other cool thing Maya and Joey could do? I know! Let Joey become the King of Tyronia!”

  41. TheArmada on 19 September 2011, 15:35 said:

    I read the Margic reehouse books when I was in third grade. They’re for little kids, and not very original, but at least ten billion times better than this.

  42. Fireshark on 19 September 2011, 17:31 said:

    Maradonia isn’t so much “What will happen?” as “What will Maya and Joey do when I put them in _____ position?” Stuff happens by the truckload, but none of it’s important. Maybe it’s just a side effect of the sporking, but I’m not sure this book has an overarching plot so far. That’s what I meant, although I could have been clearer.

    You know, if I didn’t have to pay Tesch, I’d buy these books for laughs. Since they are usually “sold out,” how did Rorschach get them?

  43. BettyCross on 19 September 2011, 18:03 said:

    @Fireshark, I think he’s sporking the pre-split, 800 page versions of “Bridges” and “Ophir.” You can still get both of those at Amazon.

  44. Vikingboybilly on 19 September 2011, 19:07 said:

    Hey guys, I thought I’d try narrating a couple of my favorite lines here out loud just for kicks.

    Here, you can all have a listen

  45. Cristina on 20 September 2011, 05:22 said:

    What about that silly name, “Kakalaki”? You know, that sounds a lot like “Kakerlake”, the German word for cockroach.

    First she rips off the Song of the Nibelungs, and then the German language?


  46. BettyCross on 20 September 2011, 07:20 said:

    First she rips off the Song of the Nibelungs, and then the German language?

    It’s a family thing. Her dad’s from Germany (probably pre-unification East Germany). His name is Gunter Gerhardt Tesch. Gerry is his American nickname. Possibly Gloria was raised bilingual.

  47. BettyCross on 20 September 2011, 07:22 said:

    What about that silly name, “Kakalaki”? You know, that sounds a lot like “Kakerlake”, the German word for cockroach.

    I’ve heard my home state (North Carolina) referred to as “North Kakalaka” so maybe that’s where she got it.

  48. Licht on 20 September 2011, 10:38 said:

    You’re right. It’s most likely from Kakerlake.
    But honestly… I didn’t even notice it. I thought it sounded like Kawasaki. That’s where my priorities lie. XD

  49. swenson on 20 September 2011, 16:41 said:

    Yeah, the Magic Treehouse books aren’t particularly original (they go into the past [or occasionally future, or possibly the present] and look for some stuff to solve a poem written Merlin or somebody else magical), but I enjoyed them as a kid. They at least had interesting settings and information about animals/locations/cultures/literature, even if all of the plots were the same. Undeniably better than Maradonia, though, obviously. Personally, I don’t see a Magic Treehouse on Maradonia.

  50. BettyCross on 21 September 2011, 08:06 said:

    @VikingBillyBoy, I downloaded your readings. The sarcasm came through very strong.

  51. Prince o' Tea on 23 September 2011, 08:00 said:

    I got the Magic Tree House books confused with the Magic Faraway Tree books by Enid Blyton, and was wondering if Enid Blyton was where Gloria got her casual racism from.

  52. BettyCross on 23 September 2011, 16:39 said:

    @Prince, I’ve never heard of Enid Blyton till now. When I wiki’ed her name, I found she was popular throughout the Commonwealth. As an American, like Gloria Tesch, I don’t live in a Commonwealth nation, so maybe Gloria hasn’t read any of Enid Blytons books.

  53. Prince o' Tea on 24 September 2011, 05:37 said:

    Being British I wasn’t really sure if Enid Blyton was popular in America like some of our authors are. Now that I think about it, I’ve never seen an Enid Blyton book whenever I’ve gone over for a visit.

  54. Vikingboybilly on 26 September 2011, 21:41 said:

    So scary! I feel helpless and absolutely powerless!

  55. Prince O' Tea on 27 September 2011, 06:48 said: