Chapter Thirty-Three – Two Survivors

There’s an awkward and nonsensical line about Joey blurring Maya’s view which doesn’t really make sense – I think Tesch got Joey confused with the rain that starts up. They meet up with Goran and tell him about the Lighthouse experience but not what happened at the bar. Goran explains that Henry and his associates got home drunk and will probably have ‘a big headache’ tomorrow because they ‘consumed too much rum’. It’s called a hangover, Gloria. I’m working on tomorrow’s right now.

The next day they hang out at the Spelunka bar (invisible) until the two assassins arrive and follow them to a dump. Apparently there are some survivors there. Why the survivors are hiding in the dump, and how the assassins learned they were there…don’t know. Anyway, the survivors take off running, the assassins follow…and Maya and Joey come up and grab the survivors’ hands, making them invisible. The two assassins are very irritated:

The two assassins were very irritated (page 298).

Eventually the assassins give up and head off to have a stiff drink at the bar. That’s not a joke. They actually decide, in the book, to quit and go to a bar for a stiff drink.

Maya and Joey take the men to a field, sit them down, tell them to close their eyes, and explain that soon, a couple kids named Maya and Joey will appear to help them out. Maya and Joey go away, take their Tarnkappes off, and head back to the men, who are shaking and terrified because they think they’ve been abducted by evil spirits. However, the men explain they’re the only survivors from the three gold freighters. Anyway, on their way back from the gold mines, apparently the freighters always stop in Karthago.

“Karthago is the capital of the Karthaginian Empire.” (page 299)

I wonder why that name sounds familiar. Probably because it’s one of the civilizations you can play as in Civilization II.

The men then launch into a very long infodump about the Karthaginians. It’s not remotely interesting, although there are a few bizarre bits:

“The Empire of Karthago has three times more warships than Maradonia, Gorgonia, and Tyronia together and they are using a unique technique.”

“A unique technique?”

“Yeah…They have real production streets to produce and maintain high numbers of trade and warships at moderate costs.” (page 301)

Well that explains everything!

Point is, Karthago is filthy rich and very powerful.

The men relate a page of backstory about the rulers. A chap named King Pygmalion rules Ophir. After Pygmalion tried to kill her husband, his sister, Elissa (but called Dido) fled to Karthago…and then apparently she became the ruler of the foreign country? How does that even make sense? And listen, Tesch, it’s nice that your daddy cracked open a couple books on mythology, but seriously, I’m getting sick of the names. Make your own fucking names up, or if you’re going to include them, give them some kind of purpose.

Anyway, on the most recent trips they stopped the ships in Karthago, unloaded all the gold in a warehouse, and then re-loaded the gold into some ships. At least, they loaded crates marked ‘Gold’ into the new ships. Which then sank. And then sharks ate everyone. And about fifty of them made it to shore but a bunch of soldiers rode up and slaughtered everyone. Except for these two, who were seen by the riders but floated away on some driftwood.

Maya and Joey take the men into the governor’s residence and place them in protective custody. Goran questions the men, then writes a letter to King Genarius and another letter to Judge Kingston. Afterwards, Goran discusses the case with Maya and Joey. Joey decides they have to go diving to figure out what was actually in the crates. Which is what I thought was going to happen in this chapter in the first place.

Chapter Thirty-Four – Diving Under

Maya and Joey are planning their diving expedition with the famous pearl-diver, Mr. Weintraub. Shortly before they leave for their dive, they sit him down and explain about the people who will try to kill him.

“We are not able to explain to you at this time the whole background concerning this action but you should be aware that at the moment you come back to the surface two assassins will be waiting for you. So…You better think about an escape strategy.” (page 313)

Wow. They really are a classy pair. I mean, they’re the indestructible ones with the flamethrower/lightsaber, and they’re just going to leave him to fend off the assassins that are there to kill THEM? You expect him to risk his life for you for no reason?

Weintraub, however, isn’t bothered by the fact that the Encouragers don’t care about his life. He’s successfully fended off pearl thieves before and figures he’ll have no problem disposing of a couple assassins.

We cut over to Candice and Ginger who are meeting the assassins. The assassins lie and say they successfully killed the two survivors.

Maya and Joey and Weintraub take off in their small boat, and the idiocy begins. Goran, Henry, and their officers watch them go and wish they could have sent armed guards with them…you know, since Maya and Joey are on Apollyon’s hit list and there are many, many people who want them dead. Henry explains that the boat wouldn’t be easy to maneuver with two extra men in it. So…take a larger boat? Or…wait for it…send TWO boats of the same size, and fill one full of armed guards?

Immediately after Maya and Joey’s boat gets well out and disappears behind the reef, they see another boat go after them. Without nets or fishing equipment. Goran starts to get suspicious and talk to himself.

“I have a bad feeling in my guts because these people are armed as if they are prepared for a fight. I wish I could do something but we have to wait and see.” (page 317).

Yeah. Instead of sounding a signal horn. Or finding another boat. Or SOMETHING. ANYTHING is better than just standing there to ‘wait and see’. Except for maybe going home and taking a nap.

Henry, at least, decides to ride down the beach a bit to take a look around.

Maya and Joey get out to the spot and Weintraub drops anchor. They jump in, weighed down with rocks, and start sinking. They’re using their magic sea shells that provide endless oxygen, so they’re fine.

Meanwhile, Captain Henry rides along the beach and finds a carriage. His suspicions are aroused when he sees there are two women inside. He walks up to the carriage and peeks inside and suddenly gets stabbed in the back!!!! Henry whips out his sword and spins around, flailing, and accidentally cuts Candice’s throat. How does Candice react to having her throat slashed open?

“Help me Ginger! I am bleeding to death! Pick up his sword and kill this monster!” (page 319)

Now, while I’ve never personally experienced having my throat slashed open with a sword, I’ve do know that if doesn’t immediately kill you, your first reaction is not to start shouting oddly specific directions at other people, it’s to gasp, grab your throat, and try to avoid bleeding out.

Henry has lost his sword. Apparently the pain of being stabbed wasn’t enough to keep him from drawing his sword and slashing her throat open, but it was enough to make him drop it immediately afterward and fall to the ground, unable to retrieve it.

Ginger calmly tells Candice that she’s doomed because her throat artery is cut. However, Candice should go to the water and cool the wound and hold her hand on the artery. Uh…okay. I really don’t think submerging a slashed jugular in sea water is going to help….

Ginger then turns and runs. Candice screams after her for a bit and finally goes into the ocean which is soothing.

Hang on, I need a drink.




Okay, I’m back.

Henry, meanwhile, drags himself over to his horse. Apparently there’s a leather rope attached to his saddle with a hook at the end. Which is trailing on the ground, at the moment. Doesn’t sound like any harness I’ve ever heard of, but hey, Narnia, okay. Henry attaches the hook to his belt because he’s too weak to climb on his horse and tells his horse to run. The horse is well-trained enough to obey and drags Henry all the way back to Goran and the other soldiers. Goran leaps into action, sending two soldiers to take care of Henry, two more to the scene of the crime. Goran himself takes off his armor and boots, puts his sword in his teeth, leaps into the ocean and starts swimming.

Here’s a test for any readers who own medieval broadswords. Put one in your teeth and try to hold it, and tell me how well it works. Then email Gloria Tesch and tell her how well it works.

When the soldiers arrive at the scene, they find no trace of Ginger, but Candice’s corpse is floating away in the drink. So maybe Ginger was just trying to get rid of her…

We go back to Weintraub. Turns out he’s just hanging out underwater, he didn’t actually go with Maya and Joey. Okay…if he wasn’t going to go with them, why is he even in the water? Why didn’t he just stay in the boat?

Anyway, apparently there’s a section of the reef that is just under the boat, so Weintraub is able to stand on the reef and push the boat over. The two assassins fall in, and Weintraub pushes the boat away, so they can’t reach it. And what do the assassins do, with the reef just a few feet away that they can stand on? Well, one of them drowns, and the other one makes it to the reef, where he is promptly stabbed in the arm by Goran, who just showed up with his sword in his teeth.

We cut back to Maya and Joey, who are walking along the ocean floor. They find a bunch of sunken ships and then see a lot of boxes on the ground. Joey, who happened to bring a spear along with him, uses the spear to pry open one of the crates. Tesch mentions that this was pretty difficult considering he was only using one arm (he had to use the other to hold the magic breathing shell on). I would also point out it’s pretty damn hard to get any leverage underwater, and it’s probably hard to for fourteen-year-old boys to break open solidly sealed crates. Anyway, it breaks open and it’s full of rocks. Joey thinks that this explains why the ships sank so fast. Actually, they’d sink even faster if they were loaded with actual gold.

They keep looking around, because Joey wants to see if they can find any human remains:

Maya and Joey walked further and saw a long, hollow hole (page 325).

A hollow hole. A hollow hole. Okay.

It’s filled with human remains. Joey thinks and wonders how all the bodies ended up in this one hole, and hits upon a solution: the current is pushing everything that floats around until it ends up inside this exact hollow. Now, I’m not an expert on underwater currents but I’m pretty sure they don’t work that way.

They then find a chest filled with gold. So they dive up to the surface to get some ropes. Yes, it actually says in the book that they dive up to the surface. Dove, technically, but the point remains. They get some ropes, swim back down, attach them to the treasure chest, and haul it up. About the time they have it safely on top of the reef, dozens of hammerhead sharks appear on the surface of the ocean. The wounded and bleeding assassin, being a fucking idiot, chooses this precise moment to leap into the water and make a swim for it, and the sharks make mincemeat out of him. And…we get a black-and-white version of the cover image, with the sharks swimming around and skulls on the ocean floor. I would have preferred a picture of the sharks eating the assassin, though.

Drinks: 45

Tagged as: ,


  1. Costanza on 22 July 2011, 00:48 said:

    So….I guess all that pointless detective bullshit is now over and will never be referred to again?

    Excellent storytelling, no doubt.

    Oh, and the (un?)intentional rhyming is too silly.

  2. TheArmada on 22 July 2011, 00:50 said:

    I have a broadsword at home. (And a Katana if needed.) I tried to put it in my teeth, it does not work, at all. It would have cut my mouth too if I hadn’t dropped it. So Goran must be a cyborg with a metal mouth. (Hey, they have cruise liners.)

  3. WulfRitter on 22 July 2011, 01:16 said:

    Hmm . . . I was lost before and this latest development from Ophir’s treasure trove of genius has not remedied that situation.

    And the names . . . again. In the same country we have names like Genarius, Kingston and . . . Weintraub? Seriously, this Maradonia place is turning into a bigger melting pot than the U.S. Which would be okay, except it doesn’t seem that each of these distinct names corresponds with a distinct culture or sub-culture of Maradonia. Or maybe I’m reading waaay too much into this.

  4. LoneWolf on 22 July 2011, 02:37 said:

    This chapter is waay better then the two preceding ones. Gloria’s writing is becoming much less boring!

    Karthago, rich and very powerful? At least, now Gloria starts alluding to actual history. I wonder, whether we’ll see more historical allusions on her part.

    Poor Candice. At least, it seems that the “advice” given to her by Ginger was supposed to not work. Still, she’s massively stupid for following it in the first place.

    And yeah. The suspense in this chapter was just KILLING me!!!

  5. BettyCross on 22 July 2011, 02:44 said:

    Oh, this is all so silly. Pirates etc. sometimes held knives between their teeth but that only works because the blade is very short and there’s a cutting edge only on one side. Seriously, Gloria, try to visualize what your characters are doing when you write!

  6. LoneWolf on 22 July 2011, 03:08 said:

    Gloria Tesch, this original and wonderful young author, uses surrealist imagery in her writings to great effect.

  7. Requiem on 22 July 2011, 03:59 said:

    I don’t think assassins would ever just straight up go to a bar after losing their target, they probably depended on that money to survive.

    Alluding to history and mythological things is fine, i’m sure most fantasy writers do so but i’ve never heard of them stealing whole empires and writing them into a strange world. That’d be like bringing in the byzantines or aztecs into lord of the rings.

    Also gloria really needs to keep better track of her characters, so many of them are either completely forgotten about or brought up once and never seen again until a few hundred pages later with no explanation.

    A few tips gloria will ignore no doubt.

  8. LoneWolf on 22 July 2011, 05:31 said:

    Fantasy Counterpart Cultures aren’t that uncommon. Warhammer (not Warhammer4000) took that to the extreme.

    Of course, Gloria being Gloria, her allusions are very awkward. I’d like for her to place Byzantium in Maradonia, though. Her attempts at making a proper Byzantine palace intrigue would be hilariously confusing and nonsensical.

  9. Emanon on 22 July 2011, 05:33 said:

    CD: Assassins Lie
    Genre: Heavy Metal
    Artist: The Tarnkappes

    1. Karthago Infodump (Instrumental)
    2. Gold Divers
    3. Apollyon’s Hit List
    4. Endless Oxygen
    5. Bleeding In the Neck
    6. Broadsword In Mah Teeth
    7. A Hollow Hole

  10. BettyCross on 22 July 2011, 09:04 said:

    Why are Maya and Joe walking on the sea floor when it would be easier to just swim a feet or two above it?

    And what’s a long hollow hole? I suspect she’s describing a trench, but you never can tell with Gloria.

  11. VikingBoyBilly on 22 July 2011, 10:36 said:

    I was confused about who these two “survivors” were supposed to be and why they were brought up so suddenly and what was going on with these assassins and such. Then I remembered a while back that some people were sinking gold ships, and that plot point remained untouched for so long I forgot why maya and joey were running around and being detectives, and now the detective stuff is done and over with.

    This book jumps all over the place.

  12. LoneWolf on 22 July 2011, 10:42 said:

    No, that detective plot was not just “done over with”, it was brilliantly and shockingly concluded, after a suspenseful and hair-pulling setup. You need to learn how to describe “Maradonia” properly.

  13. swenson on 22 July 2011, 12:41 said:

    1. Karthago Infodump (Instrumental)

    Sounds like a pretty awesome song, actually. Techno, maybe?

    OK, I have to say, I really, really love that the assassins just went to a bar because they couldn’t find their targets. That’s hilarious, but unfortunately it’s probably unlikely so.

    And the fight scene was the funniest thing from Maradonia in a long time! So Henry gets stabbed, yet somehow is still able to handle a sword well enough to cut Candice’s throat… who can then continue to scream for help even though she’s been wounded so badly IN THE THROAT that she DIES. (pity, too. I like those two, they were a good source of lulz.) And Ginger is just like “Welp, sucks to be you” and leaves. She doesn’t finish off Henry, she doesn’t try to help Candice, she just leaves. Wow.

    (also, I have to agree with LoneWolf—these chapters were actually somewhat interesting, although that may just be because everything else is so horrendously terrible.)

  14. LoneWolf on 22 July 2011, 12:46 said:

    Well, the chapters are somewhat interesting when something actually happens, no matter how bizarre – sorry, how brilliantly postmodernist and subversive – the events are.

  15. BettyCross on 22 July 2011, 14:39 said:

    Gloria Tesch is so talented that the reader believes anything and everything is possible in the Land of Maradonia.

    That’s from Gloria’s Facebook page. And she’s half right: anything and everything happens, whether it’s possible or not.

    I’ve seen a lot of author’s web pages and Facebook pages and I’ve never seen another one full of such egregious self-praise as this.

  16. LoneWolf on 22 July 2011, 15:20 said:

    So, how many countries there are in Maradonia? Maradonia, Gorgonia, Tyronia,‘Evil Empire’ with all its ‘powers and principalities’, the Empire of Karthago, Ophir… The map is inadequate here.

  17. BettyCross on 22 July 2011, 17:01 said:

    @LoneWolf, the ‘powers and principalities’ rule the air. To show them, you need a weather report.

  18. swenson on 23 July 2011, 11:28 said:

    “And today, there’s a 60% chance of flaming snowflakes as a cold principality moves in from the southwest…”

  19. Inkblot on 23 July 2011, 12:52 said:

    Swenson, I lol’d. I forgot about the flaming snowflakes. :D

    I hate this book a lot more than Seven Bridges. At least in that one you always knew where they were going to end up eventually. Here, not only do I not know where on the fantasy map they are, I don’t know who any of the NPCs are, why these gold ships are important, how Maya and Joey got here in the first place, or what they’re trying to accomplish. That’s about as fail as author fail can get. IMHO.

  20. LoneWolf on 23 July 2011, 14:29 said:

    Gold is always important.

    And all that is happening next to the city of Arkadia, last time I checked. Maya and Joey decided to go to Selinka though Arkadia this time, but got involved in the messy ‘detective-plot’.

    Gloria has her own logic. Once you understand it, it’s not that hard to follow her narrative.

  21. autumnfey on 23 July 2011, 16:37 said:

    “OK, I have to say, I really, really love that the assassins just went to a bar because they couldn’t find their targets. That’s hilarious, but unfortunately it’s probably unlikely so.”

    I agree, that’s really funny. If only Tesch was a more creative author, those assassins could have been fun characters.

  22. BettyCross on 24 July 2011, 09:01 said:

    And all that is happening next to the city of Arkadia, last time I checked. Maya and Joey decided to go to Selinka though Arkadia this time, but got involved in the messy ‘detective-plot’.

    They could have traveled from the inter-dimensional gateway to Selinka this time in a few flying leaps with their Tarnkappen, but they decided not to do.

    Gloria has her own logic. Once you understand it, it’s not that hard to follow her narrative.

    She thought it would be cool to have a shipwreck and get stranded on a desert island, and then have another poisoning plot, so she arranged for those things to happen instead of the logical thing.

  23. LoneWolf on 24 July 2011, 09:13 said:

    The Tarnkappen are equipped with PlotPowers. They are only to be used when the plot demands. And yes, exactly. It’s the Logic of the Cool Factor.

  24. BettyCross on 24 July 2011, 11:32 said:

    If there was some restriction on the use of a Tarnkappe, it would be a more interesting plot device.

    For instance, you can only use it 20 times before passing it along to someone else. Or you can only use it once a day, and if you try to use it a 2nd time it works but at the cost of a godawful migraine attack.

  25. VikingBoyBilly on 24 July 2011, 21:11 said:

    No no no, you are thinking backwards. The Tarnkappes should have no limitations, and because that and the key to the underworld aren’t godmodded enough, Maya and Joey should be given more Deus Ex Machina artifacts to be used to make tricky situations a pittance to get around and to be not used as a simple way to skip around a contrivance to make something ‘cool’ happen. That’s the Gloria Tesch way, folks!

  26. Requiem on 25 July 2011, 00:51 said:

    If the situation is dumb enough and nonsensical then I could see how that could work.

  27. Licht on 25 July 2011, 05:43 said:

    Mr. Weintraub -> Weintraube -> grape


  28. Prince o' Tea on 25 July 2011, 11:03 said:


    Tough, Candice. You gonna die. But go run and dip your throat in salt water instead of trying to stem the blood flow, for some reason. It won’t speed up your death or anything.

    Okay! That sounds like a good idea!


    At least we know Daddy Tesch isn’t a doctor of medicine or anything, considering his spawn’s piss poor knowledge of the human body. Hell I’m impressed that she knows what the red goop that comes out of you when you cut yourself is.

  29. BettyCross on 26 July 2011, 11:46 said:

    @Licht, Weintraub is a common last name in America. It usually indicates Jewish ancestry.

    In Maradonia the human characters almost always have only one name. Usually it’s a first name, but sometimes a last name, as in this case.

    There’s no way to know why Gloria used it without asking her. It may be a shout-out to somebody she knows, named Weintraub.

  30. Brontozaurus on 27 July 2011, 06:13 said:

    I’m surprised that the sharks are specifically hammerhead sharks, rather than just being referred to as sharks without any specifics. It just seems a bit odd to do so, particularly in that earlier scene when someone mentions they’ll feed them to the hammerhead sharks. Why specifically hammerheads?

  31. BettyCross on 27 July 2011, 07:27 said:

    @Brontozaurus, it’s probably Rule of Cool. Hammerhead sharks do have a certain unique anatomical feature. The head.

  32. LoneWolf on 27 July 2011, 10:25 said:

    Yes. Gloria is a Deep Researcher, who uses her knowledge of zoology with ‘amazing effects on her Readers’.

  33. Prince o' Tea on 27 July 2011, 10:26 said:

    Because Hammerheads look cool. That’s about it.

  34. LoneWolf on 27 July 2011, 10:49 said:

    Are you doubting the Brilliant Research Capabilities of the ‘Maradonia-Author’?

  35. Prince o' Tea on 27 July 2011, 12:11 said:

    Yes, because I am a videogamer. I am not a reader, and shall never be a leader.

  36. BettyCross on 27 July 2011, 12:29 said:

    I just checked Gloria’s MySpace page. Her masterpieces are coming out on Audiobook soon. So place your orders now. Or not.

  37. VikingBoyBilly on 28 July 2011, 08:15 said:

    It could be more fun than the official Sonichu videobooks! But consequently more expensive…

  38. BettyCross on 28 July 2011, 09:54 said:

    Just watch. They’ll charge $99 for each audiobook. And the reader will be Dr. Gerhard “Gerry” Tesch, complete with accent.

  39. TheArmada on 28 July 2011, 15:23 said:

    well, after several boring sporks with the detective plot, this has got me interested again.

  40. T on 29 July 2011, 07:22 said:

    Ginger calmly tells Candice that she’s doomed because her throat artery is cut. However, Candice should go to the water and cool the wound and hold her hand on the artery. Uh…okay. I really don’t think submerging a slashed jugular in sea water is going to help…

    :eyetwitch: Carotid.

    Great sporking otherwise. At least Tesch is consistently insane.

  41. BettyCross on 29 July 2011, 08:20 said:

    Carotid artery, Jugular vein.

    Cutting the carotid will kill you almost instantly. Because it’s an artery, the blood in it is under pressure from the beating of the heart.

  42. T on 29 July 2011, 08:27 said:

    That was my point, BettyCross. The bit I quoted paired “jugular” and “artery” together.

    At any rate, a slashed either of those is not going to allow for much dialogue.

    Much like cracking your head open on the side of a pool before going unconscious underwater is not going to allow for much logical thought.

  43. BettyCross on 29 July 2011, 09:36 said:

    @T, I get it. Thanks. Slitting your jugular vein will give you a few more seconds to live, I estimate, but you’ll probably spend those seconds unconscious.

    The whole pool episode was bullsh*t. Joe[y] shouldn’t have been the one to push Maya in. It should have been Alana Terrence, saying, “This is for talking about me behind my back.” No bashing her head this time, because she might well have drowned before somebody dove in to save her.

    If Joe had pushed her in, she wouldn’t have trusted him enough to go on an adventure with him into the Forbidden Cave.

    BTW, I refused to call Joe Swanson “Joey.” I don’t believe any 14 year old boy would stand for that. Sounds childish, and nothing offends a 14 year old more than being treated like a kid (although in many ways they are).

  44. Flarehawk on 29 July 2011, 21:14 said:

    “Help me Ginger! I am bleeding to death! Pick up his sword and kill this monster!” (page 319)

    I think you’d be too busy gushing blood and losing consciousness from a recently-slashed neck wound to demand anyone kill anything, dear.

    It’s like she didn’t even know google existed.

  45. Licht on 2 August 2011, 15:02 said:

    “Help me Ginger! I can’t speak! My voice is gone! I can’t say a word! Do something!” XD

    @ Betty: Hm, didn’t know that. But you’re probably right. I’m so used to naming characters in a way that somehow fits the character that I forgot it’s Gloria we’re talking about.

    Which is actually pretty interesting. How do you name your characters? Do you give hints to friends or even use the actual names of friends?

  46. BettyCross on 2 August 2011, 17:44 said:

    @Licht, it’s hard to summarize how I name characters in one post, because all my sci-fi and fantasy stories are set in one of two imaginary worlds where the naming rules and indeed the languages have no direct connection with familiar languages and nomenclature. I can say this: with some exceptions, the names of characters do mean something within the context of the culture, like Hebrew names in the Bible (eg. Isaac means “he laughed,” while David means “beloved”).

    In the case of my fantasy novel I ran into some opposition in a critique group from some members who had no clue about fantasy fiction. One of them wanted me to use “regular names” for my characters, when my whole purpose was to make them original and evocative of a different culture. The other dismissed my work as “adolescent crap,” but afterwards apologized. That did not prevent me from incorporating their names into my fantasy, slightly disguised, and no one except people who knew me from the group will be able to figure them out.

  47. VikingBoyBilly on 3 August 2011, 06:56 said:

    I name characters after food.

  48. Potatoman on 9 June 2013, 01:17 said:

    God, Tesch’s dialogue is so… stilted and uncomfortable to read! Why the fuck would she think anybody talks like this at all, especially being teenagers?! Your sporking is terrific by the way but GOOD LORD THIS BOOK IS FUCKING TERRIBLE.

  49. Alicia on 9 June 2013, 02:05 said:

    It’s probably the worst series sporked here, because it lacks even basic technical proficiency. With the other books like Inheritance or Twilight, you don’t have to worry about all of the sloppy typos and freaky formatting; you can really sink your teeth into the bad writing, illogical story structure, implausible plots, misapplied cliches, etc. But Maradonia falls apart long before you get to even basic story elements, so if you want to review you it you basically to either ignore it or spend all of your time talking about it.

  50. LoneWolf on 9 June 2013, 11:22 said:

    God, Tesch’s dialogue is so… stilted and uncomfortable to read! Why the fuck would she think anybody talks like this at all, especially being teenagers?!

    That’s because Gloria is pretentious. Note that if there’re two ways to use a word – correct and pretentious – Gloria will always chose the latter.

  51. Evil Imperialist on 2 November 2013, 01:56 said:

    “Goran must be a cyborg with a metal mouth.”

    Goran is plainly….Richard Kiel

    Further songs on the album:

    8. Hark, Hark the Shark

    9. Take A Bite Outta Me Babe (But Not For Real)

    10. Cut The Navy (And Not My Throat)

    11. Joey Swanson, You’re A Psycho

    12. I Have A Bad Feeling In My Guts

  52. Yastreb on 1 November 2019, 06:36 said:

    Hello folks, newcomer to sporking in general here, late to the party, I know…

    WRT holding a broadsword in one’s teeth, let me say that Gloria Tesch is in illustrious (!) company… namely, Lin Carter.

    In the second book of the Thongor saga, the eponymous hero clutches a broadsword between his teeth when he falls into the sea after pulling off the unheard-of feat of hewing off the forelimb of a plesiosaurus with a single stroke of said sword.

    I was prompted to scrawl a footnote; “Either that sword is very thin, or Thongor has a really big mouth.”