Maradonia and the Gold of Ophir

I like Maradonia and the Gold of Ophir’s cover. Instead of getting half a blonde chick who’s very fond of highlights and a half a demented Medusa, we get a pleasant undersea scene with a bunch of poorly drawn hammerhead sharks, half a ribcage, a femur, and five skulls. It’s exactly the kind of appealing image that would draw in those 10-year-old girls we kept seeing in the Maradonia book trailer.

And considering the title is Gold of Ophir and we’re looking at a chest full of gold, I actually have some hope that the cover image is a scene from the book, unlike the first book, where the cover image had jack all to do with the book.

Inside, we still have the enormous font size from the first book, and a new error: the text isn’t centered between the top and the bottom of the page, it’s too high on every page, which makes it look rather ridiculous.

However, from scanning through the text, there are several improvements. Team Tesch has finally figured out that punctuation goes inside the quotation marks, so instead of “What are you talking about”? said Joey, it’s “What are you talking about?” said Joey. Although random italics are everywhere, I don’t see nearly as many ‘unnecessary’ ‘quotation’ marks around random ‘words’. Even the back cover has a nice quote:

The Maradonia Saga is storytelling at its best. A stunning tour de force with a full complement of fast action, gritty realism, powerful characters, brimming treachery, bravery, knowledge, mystery, and magic.

Brimming treachery?

So yeah, there are still some problems.

Here we go!

The Drinking Game:

Take a drink every time…

If you can survive to the end of the book without acute liver failure [you won’t].

Here we go!

Recap of Book One:

Preface

Helpful piece of advice: Your book doesn’t need both a preface and a prologue. In fact, a lot of the time they don’t really need either.

Tesch explains that Maya and Joey realize they aren’t safe anymore when thirteen airships arrive in Oceanside, looking for the Key to the Underworld. Then a messenger arrives asking them to come to the city in Mundan.

Keep in mind that all of this is going to happen in the next few chapters. Tesch is essentially spoiling her book. For reasons I’m not aware of. This is roughly akin to Tolkien beginning The Hobbit:

Preface

Bilbo Baggins, a hobbit, is surprised when Gandalf the wizard and a group of dwarves show up at his house and hire him to accompany them as a burglar to help reclaim their stolen gold from a dragon.

Chapter One

In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit…

It just doesn’t make sense to spoil what’s going happen. Tesch, however, does not seem capable of grasping this rather obvious fact.

Tesch goes on and talks about how last time, they heard about some shiploads of gold disappearing and so on and so forth. Which, fair enough. If she really wanted to include a preface, all it needed to do was state that information. Overall, though, it’s just a waste of a page.

Prologue

Plouton, Apollyon’s younger son, secretly meets up with the two remaining Titans, Orphilios and Marcarios. They’re planning to assassinate Abbadon. Tesch follows this with several paragraphs of description that are actually pretty well-written. So well-written, in fact, that it does not sound like Tesch. For a moment I was worried that Tesch had drastically stepped up her game and wouldn’t be ridiculously easy to mock any further, and then she gets back to her old style a moment later once the dialogue begins. I’m guessing that her editor rewrote that passage. Extensively.

Plouton replied, “I know that this meeting is important for us but why did we meet at this disgusting and stinky place at the end of the world?” (page 3)

Here’s a fun game. Whenever Tesch writes some dialogue, imagine it’s being said by an actor in her movie. For added hilarity, imagine it’s being said by the guy who played Abbadon in her book trailer, ridiculous over-acting and all.

The Titans explain that Plouton just needs to bring Abbadon to this cave, and they’ll forge him into the iron. I’m not certain you can forge a person into iron, as flesh tends to smush when you hit it with a hammer, but okay.

“We will chain him to these fetters and command our vultures to feed only on his liver because his liver will grow back again.” (page 4)

Let’s assume that these vultures are really well-trained and that Abbadon’s liver will actually grow back. Even with those out of the way, I don’t think Tesch has a good grasp of human anatomy. You see, to get at his liver, they’d have to claw or chew their way into Abbadon’s abdomen. Which would kill him. Maybe not immediately, but when you have a gaping hole in your torso, sooner or later it’s going to kill you.

Anyway. Plouton agrees, and that’s the end of that. If this is anything like the last book, this entire scene will show up later in the book, rendering this entire preface pointless.

Chapter One – We Need Results!

Apollyon is raging and very angry because they’ve learned that Maya and Joey (called “ugly creepers” here) have escaped back into their own world. In fact, they’ve even learned that Maya and Joey live in a place called Oceanside, which is pretty impressive.

Abbadon, meanwhile, is quailing under his father’s anger. So apparently Abbadon has suddenly become terrified of his father since the last book.

Apollyon is not particularly happy that they’re still working on finding Maya and Joey’s exact location.

“This is a shame and not a game!” (page 7)

Indeed it is.

The ruler of the Empire of Evil looked downcast and depressed although his powerful voice floated with pressure into the minds of his sons, Abbadon and Plouton (page 7).

Wait. So he’s screaming angry but he also looks downcast and depressed? Which is it, Tesch?

Plouton, however, realizes Apollyon is pissed with Abbadon, and sees an opportunity. He asks Apollyon to put him in charge.

“To you? Why should I give the command of this important rescue mission to you?” (page 9)

Uh…rescue mission?

Maybe they’re planning on rescuing the key?

Plouton explains that he wants to bring in Sutornia and Cassandra, a couple of powerful beings, who can also operate inside Maya and Joey’s world. How Plouton knows this, I have no idea. Apollyon looks at Plouton and suddenly wonders if he’s made a mistake in choosing Abbadon as his heir.

“What a terrifying mistake that would be…” he thought, “Maybe I should have developed over time a better relationship with my young son.” (page 9)

If Tesch is going to have our main villain devote this book to working on his relationship with his son…that would actually be fucking hilarious. You know, Apollyon is actually a much richer, more developed and interesting character than Maya or Joey. We know that he cares about nature, loves unicorns and mermaids, has a fine singing voice, and cares about his sons. Aside from wanting to enslave the world, he doesn’t seem like a bad chap. And his desire to kill Maya and Joey only makes me like him more.

Plouton finishes up his plan:

“We have to involve under all circumstances the principalities Sutornia, Cassandra, and their co-workers and move on as a united power team and not as a one man operation if we want to recover the Key to the Underworld.” (page 10)

Which is all well and good, except the Powers of Evil have never been operating as a one-man operation. Actually, they haven’t been operating as any kind of operation at all. They’re remarkably uncoordinated and mostly tend to march around and randomly attack the good guys.

King Apollyon tossed his copper colored hair off his shoulder with a flick of his head (page 10).

So basically he does this.

That is terrifying.

I am so intimidated by how evil he is.

Anyway. Apollyon thinks this is a great idea. And Abbadon, surprisingly, isn’t bothered at all by his brother butting in and taking charge. Abbadon is totally cool with it. Very mature of him. But, as we know (and as Tesch tells us…again…because we didn’t get it from the last scene of Plouton plotting to kill him) Plouton actually hates Abbadon and wants him to die.

Chapter Two – Flying Objects

Maya and Joey are relaxing and eating dinner with their family while they watch the six o’clock news. Suddenly a breaking news report comes in with a reporter who explains there are thirteen UFO’s hovering over the beach in Oceanside. People at the beach are jumping around screaming about how the aliens are visiting them.

Then one of the UFO’s comes down to a hundred feet up, a trapdoor opens, and two figures get out and hover in midair. They float away towards Oceanside. Everyone is shocked because the creatures don’t have any heads.

Personally, this wouldn’t bother me much, because they’re aliens. Why should we expect them to even have heads where we have heads? And even if they don’t have heads, who cares? They’re aliens! That just makes them even cooler.

Then, a bit later, they see the creatures are carrying their heads in their hands. Awesome! But for some reason this freaks everyone out even further.

Maya and Joey quickly confer. Joey says the airships have to be looking for them to try and recover the Key to the Underworld. Yeah. The key that Genarius told you to get rid of? That one.

Their parents reassure them that it’s just a hoax or atmospheric light reactions. Maya and Joey pretend to believe them, but then a news anchor comes on and assures everyone that it’s not a hoax, that the Air Force has been summoned, but whenever they get close the UFO’s vanish.

Maya and Joey head up to the attic to have a talk. Joey exposits:

“We have to sleep with our Tarnkappes on because the rulers of the Evil Empire might feel our presence, but they cannot detect us.” (page 17).

So…correct me if I’m wrong…but isn’t feeling someone’s presence kind’ve the same as detecting them? Also, if you’re sleeping with your Tarnkappe on, isn’t there a chance one of your parents might come in to wake you up in the morning and see an invisible shape lying under the covers?

Maya explains that their parents think she might be ill because apparently Maya hasn’t adjusted to living on Earth.

“Like last week, Mom asked me if I wanted to drive to the grocery store with her and I answered, ‘Did our servants prepare the unicorns for the trip?’” (page 18)

HAHAHAHAHAHAH.

I wasn’t actually sure just how long they’d been in Maradonia on their first trip, so I went back through Maradonia and started counting it up. It was pretty difficult, because it’s evident that Tesch did not pay attention to how long this would actually take. Accordingly, there isn’t any clear passage of time. In fact, I think that the first 26 chapters all take place on the same day, which is pretty difficult, considering how much happens, but Tesch never describes the day passing or Maya and Joey sleeping anywhere. It’s just daytime, from chapter to chapter.

Tesch also doesn’t give accurate time frames, opting for lines like “They rode for a long time”, but from my best estimate, they spent 59 days in Maradonia.

Two months.

And they were made Prince and Princess 44 days into their trip, so they only spent TWO WEEKS as royalty…and at least half of that time they were by themselves. And yet Maya is so used to living with servants and riding on unicorns that she isn’t able to adjust to being back home? Somehow I have a hard time believing that. It might be plausible if Maya had spent six months being waited on hand and foot, and even then it wouldn’t feel realistic. Humans are actually pretty adaptable, it doesn’t take very long to settle into a new routine. Yeah, the first couple days back home would be kinda weird, but after that Maya would adjust back to her normal life…which she has spent fifteen years living, rather than two weeks in Maradonia.

Anyway. As Maya and Joey are talking, their mother comes up and she overhears Joey whispering about all the shit they brought back with them and how Maya is really the Princess of Maradonia. This confuses her, so she decides to figure out what’s going on.

Oh no!

Drinks: 25

Tagged as: ,

Comment

  1. Curly on 14 April 2011, 03:31 said:

    Wow, that was really quick. Thanks for keeping us entertained. It’s already pretty bad though, I’m not sure that Gloseph really knows how human beings behave. And I’m still confused about the UFOs and aliens and all that from Seven Bridges. If they don’t have Joey “Pontifex” Pyscopath to build bridges for them, then how do they get to Oceanside?
    Such a trilema…

  2. Flarehawk on 14 April 2011, 03:42 said:

    “Take a drink every time…
    Something is unnecessarily italicized or bold, or there are unnecessary ‘quotation marks’
    …
    Joey acts like a sociopath
    A character launches into a speech for no reason
    …
    A character explains something to another character that both of them know
    Characters in Maradonia are aware of things that only people from Earth would know“

    Downs three entire bottles
    I’m getting my drinks in beforehand.

    CHEERS MATE
    collapses

  3. Quilloasa on 14 April 2011, 05:00 said:

    So…they’re going to kill Abbadon by ripping off the Prometheus story…

    But what about poison?

    It’s good to see you back up and sporking. Will your liver be alright? Keep up the good work!

  4. The Drunk Fox on 14 April 2011, 05:25 said:

    Wow, it hasn’t even been a week and you’re at this again! Kudos, and I hope you survive this book as well.

  5. Curly on 14 April 2011, 05:35 said:

    Just a thought, if that bird tried to eat your liver, Rorschach, it wouldn’t kill you, as you have a LIVER OF STEEL.

  6. Licht on 14 April 2011, 05:52 said:

    It’s exactly the kind of appealing image that would draw in those 10-year-old girls we kept seeing in the Maradonia book trailer.

    Jep, it is. Now that you say it. Do you wanna know what I’ve read with 10?:

    and

    Awesomeness and a talking cat.

    Brimming? Hey! At least I’m learning a few new words – and how not to use them.

    Anyway, you are my hero of today. Thank you for sporking this :)

  7. Curly on 14 April 2011, 05:57 said:

    You’re German? Would not have picked that, you speak damn fine english, my friend.
    And yes, I replied quickly because today has been boring as hell and I’ve just had II on in the background. Talking cats are awesome, by the way. XD

  8. LoneWolf on 14 April 2011, 06:57 said:

    To be fair to Tesch, she actually delivered on her foreshadowing of Apollyon’s forces as aliens, which is actually quite an achievement for Tesch.

  9. Licht on 14 April 2011, 07:12 said:

    Well, yes, I am. Despite your sweet compliment, Curly, I can’t really hope to successfully deny it. xD

    Like anyone cares, but it should be TarnkappeN not TarnkappeS.

    It’s a snarky, black, one-eyed, more or less immortal, talking with you in your mind tomcat who’s the guardian of the last princess of Atlantis. And his name is Astaroth. Hell yes! That’s SO awesome!

    Having read on… doesn’t Gtesch have ANY ideas of her own? Any?
    Is every tiny little thing in her books stolen from somewhere else? The Bible, The Nibelungenlied and now Greek mythology… She doesn’t even care to pick the not-so-well-known ones.
    Oh no, no you don’t do that!
    That’s sad. It really is. You can’t just collect other author’s ideas (even if those authors aren’t known by name and/or dead), stick them together so they lose any sense and meaning, and pretend it’s all your own vivid imagination making those things up. That’s NOT how you write an outstanding novel. (Although certain authors seem to have forgotten…)
    Who taught you this is the way to do it, Glo?

    Also, I’m quite tempted to do a small psycho-analysis of the way she writes. There are characteristics… But I think that’s going too far. I don’t want to cross a certain line. As said in the previous entries’ comments, somewhere beyond all her scheming and doubtful attitude there’s a girl who just wanted to write and tell a story. If there wasn’t any other reason to grant her at least the minimum of possible respect, it would be this.

    Something random I forgot to add a while ago: Remember how Gtesch wrote someone had the diarrhea of words? It’s actually called logorrhoea and it’s not funny.

    Ok, enough of this. Let’s have some fun with this multicolored brick.

    United power team of evil believes in teamwork! That screams for a re-uniting tour all across the country! Including Apollyon and Abbadon performing “Father and son”!

    “Did our servants prepare the unicorns for the trip?” I’m so going to use this one day!

    @LoneWolf: I’d never guessed she would REALLY have them be aliens…

  10. Curly on 14 April 2011, 07:38 said:

    If she was clever, she’d try to tie in that all the aliens ever seen were visitors from Maradonia, or some such thing. But I somehow doubt it.
    Allons-y, mes amis! A la ‘Gold of Ophir’

  11. Prince O' Tea on 14 April 2011, 07:52 said:

    YAHOOO! I’ve been waiting for this for ages!

    Anyhow! “Atomospheric pressure conditions”? To explain UFOs and headless aliens? Truly Teschian.

    Also, Maya is turning into a snobby little cow, isn’t she? “Did our servants prepare our unicorns?” For someone who has only been a princess for a week or two, that is quite a telling bit of dialogue. I am wondering if the reason everyone disliked Maya is because she has such an overwhelming sense of superiority, and treated the other students such as Alanna like her servants. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was saying this phrase LONG before she heard of Merdedonia.

    “Maya, can you help me put away the groceries?”
    “Have our servants prepared the unicorns for the trip?”

    “Maya what is 5 × 9?”
    “Have our servants prepared the unicorns for the trip?”

    “Maya sweetheart, daddy and I are very worried about you. We keep getting letters from your teacher and the principal. We’ve talked about this before, but we think we need some more help. Now we are going to go see Dr Cox, he’s a very nice man…”

    “Have our servants prepared the unicorns for the trip?”

  12. Curly on 14 April 2011, 08:11 said:

    The main problem is that the Unicorns have human intelligence. While I understand they need saddling and all that, they aren’t horses. It’s a little bit patronising, to be honest.
    Jams spurs into trusty unicorn steed

  13. Sahgo on 14 April 2011, 08:24 said:

    No kidding. Then again, they did tend to treat unicorns as regular horses in The Seven Bridges anyway, so maybe GTesch already forgot about that. Besides, wasn’t Maya who called adult, intelligent mermaids “My sweet, cute little mermaids”? Maybe she has some screws loose.

    And I’ll miss the ‘quotations with italics‘ =(

  14. BettyCross on 14 April 2011, 08:27 said:

    Well, now we know where flying saucers really come from — Maradonia! And all this time I thought it was from the hollow inside of the earth.

  15. LoneWolf on 14 April 2011, 08:28 said:

    Yeah, Tesch has some problems with her treatment of non-human sentient beings.

  16. Chey on 14 April 2011, 08:59 said:

    ^ That’s my problem with it. If I was in the shape of a horse I guess I’d be okay with letting people travel on me (hey, it’s something to do, right?) if they had to and I knew them, but the idea that someone would need to “prepare me for the trip” would piss me the hell off. They aren’t dumb horses, they’re intelligent creatures who will know when they’re being patronized. Maya, you keep that attitude up, and guess who might accidentally get thrown next time you’re riding alongside a canyon, eh?

  17. BettyCross on 14 April 2011, 09:03 said:

    About that illustration with Chapter Two, there’s something oddly European about the cityscape of Oceanside. I think I even recognize that famous Berlin TV transmission tower, the Fernsehturm Berlin, on the right.

  18. Prince O' Tea on 14 April 2011, 09:14 said:

    Thank you Betty, I thought I was the only one who felt that! On first glance, I thought it looked like a London vibe off it (grey, grey and more grey), but when I looked at it more, it feels more Mediterranean for some reason. Though maybe you’re right about the Berlin thing, because Tesch is half german I think.

    Also, its kin dof sad but at the way she’s going, being featured on a Cracked.com article like this is probably the most Glo can ever hope for… http://www.cracked.com/article_16939_5-celebrity-wikipedia-entries-they-clearly-wrote-themselves.html?wa_user1=5&wa_user2=Celebrities&wa_user3=article&wa_user4=recommended

  19. Spanman on 14 April 2011, 09:22 said:

    I am excited.

  20. dragonarya on 14 April 2011, 09:42 said:

    That cover is ugly. I really, really hate those books that have the author’s name larger than the title (like those trashy paperbacks in the supermarket). Making the author’s name just as big as the title is also a bad sign for me. But it’s Glo, after all.

    I’m not surprised by all the plagiarism (it wouldn’t be Glo if there wasn’t any), but it does irk me how nobody seems to respect mythology anymore. That, and classics.

  21. swenson on 14 April 2011, 11:59 said:

    WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

    Rorschach, my friend, you don’t even know how excited I was when I saw this was up. I’m impressed by your fortitude at pressing on again so quickly, and I expect hours of hilarious fun out of this… thing, just like last time.

    Anyway, last time I regretted that I didn’t keep a record of my favorite lines, so this time I’m going to save them as I come across them.

    This chapters:
    united power team (lolwut?)
    “This is a shame and not a game!” (best to be said any time you lose against someone in any game ever)
    ‘Did our servants prepare the unicorns for the trip?’

    Oh, and let me throw my two cents into the ring on the unicorn thing. There were both unicorns and centaurs in Narnia (as well as Talking Horses), and… well, the idea of anyone else riding on them was unthinkable except in exceptional circumstances or for exceptional people. They were treated with the respect they deserved as intelligent beings, just like every other Talking Animal, human, or other sentient being in Narnia. In Maradonia, there’s literally no difference between these supposedly free unicorns and horses, except they can talk on occasion. So apparently they’re so stupid they can’t tell they’re enslaved or something.

  22. Danielle on 14 April 2011, 13:44 said:

    You know, Apollyon is actually a much richer, more developed and interesting character than Maya or Joey. We know that he cares about nature, loves unicorns and mermaids, has a fine singing voice, and cares about his sons. Aside from wanting to enslave the world, he doesn’t seem like a bad chap. And his desire to kill Maya and Joey only makes me like him more.

    I would totally read a book about Apollyon. Already he’s a much better role model to the children: he loves animals, cares about the environment, wants a good relationship with his kids, AND he believes in teamwork! I’d love to see a story about him as a benevolent dictator.

  23. Ridureyu on 14 April 2011, 14:12 said:

    I dunno, I kind of like the cover art. It looks like one of those self-published amateur books on treasure hunting. You know, “Buy a metal detector and get rich! Because of PIRATES!”

  24. Costanza on 14 April 2011, 15:18 said:

    Rorschach, your will is beyond my comprehension. You truly have balls of steel.

    I just hope that reading so much of this stuff doesn’t permanently damage your ability to think logically or creatively.

  25. The Drunk Fox on 14 April 2011, 15:58 said:

    Oh, considering the liver thing…IIRC, provided at least a certain amount or the liver is left (though I don’t remember how much), it will regenerate. That’s why people can donate part of their liver for transplants while still alive, which is awesome considering how many functions the liver has (again, IIRC).

    HOWEVER…1) if the entire liver is removed/eaten, it obviously won’t grow back; 2) birds eating from it, even if they didn’t take the whole thing, would be considerably…messier, shall we say, than sugary would be, and I don’t know how that would affect the organ’s ability to grow back; and 3) you’re absolutely right about the gaping hole, Rorschach, not to mention any and all wounds inflicted to whatever remained of the liver itself. Considering for a moment what and how vultures normally eat, I’d give him…maybe a week before the dozen or so horrible infections took him out, if the plan were to be carried out and the book in any way reflected reality.

  26. Veriun on 14 April 2011, 16:54 said:

    I… like that cover, actually. If it hadn’t been for the extremely obnoxious and out-of-place font, I’d have picked it up for a closer examination if I saw it in a bookstore.

    The plot doesn’t sound too bad, either. It probably looks a lot worse in person, since I’m not exposed to the godawful prose as much, but I like how Tesch is at least trying to give Apollyon and his sons some depth. Sure, she’ll probably screw it up and there are a ton of mistakes there that make me cringe, but right now it sounds like an improvement from the unholy mess that is the Seven Bridges (then again, I don’t think it’s possible to be any worse than that pile of unholy poo).

  27. Costanza on 14 April 2011, 17:08 said:

    Hnm…I actually hate the cover. It looks like the front cover of a 35-page picture book, and its just so dull and generic.

    Honestly, the UFO thing is really stupid. And the drawing is so lazy! The buildings are just one big blob!

    But the worst part is the back cover. I mean, not even the great authors of history would say that their story is ‘storytelling at its best’. Even if the story was phenomenal, to call your self-published crapfest ‘storytelling at its best’ is just….. apprehensible.

  28. Creature_NIL on 14 April 2011, 18:35 said:

    The synopsis of the first book in the beginning, where it says, “Maya uses her Deus ex Machina hat to discover a treasonous pot to murder Genarius and blame Maya and Joey,” has me imagining the girl on the front cover of the first book in a goofy hat, pointing at this pot with a purple geranium in it as it’s falling yelling ‘treasonous pot!’ The camera pans up we see Joey above on the balcony still holding out his arms from dropping the pot, a sheepish grin on his face, oops.

    If Kitty reads this, please make that picture!

    As for “Prepare our unicorns for the trip,” the first thing I thought was, the unicorns are taking drugs?

  29. Violet Hill on 14 April 2011, 19:33 said:

    ^ Must . . . resist . . . . temptation to PhotoShop

    eye twitch

  30. swenson on 14 April 2011, 19:41 said:

    The cover art isn’t all that bad IMO. It’s not great cover design by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s decent enough.

    And the back cover synopsis? Yeah, I have to agree with Costanza on that one. Most books, no matter how awful, have the excuse that the author isn’t actually the one who writes the back cover blurb. In this case… there really is no excuse.

  31. Kilgore on 14 April 2011, 21:32 said:

    Drinks: 11

    And now:

    ACOE

    Airship Gold

    Aristo Records.

    1. Pack the Unicorns
    2. Tarnkappes
    3. Ophir
    4. Hammerhead
    5. Mushroom Cloud II
    6. Better Relationships
    7. Shame Game
    8. Rescue Mission
    9. United Power Team
    10. Creepers
    11. Bad German
    12. Unnecessary Quotations
    13. Steel Liver Drinking Games
    14. Little Sociopath
    15. Forge Him into the Iron
    16. Titans
    17. Airship Gold
    Bonus Tracks:

    18. Hole in my Torso
    19. Meeting at the end of the World

    I think that this new Album sounds more like the old ACOE from the Mother Earth Song days and Abbadon’s got his voice back and Plotoun was a perfect choice for the Lead Guitar.

  32. swenson on 14 April 2011, 22:02 said:

    Pack The Unicorns is the best name for a song ever.

    Actually, forget that, it’s the best name for a band ever. DIBS.

  33. Danielle on 14 April 2011, 22:20 said:

    Yeah, well, I call Ruchi for a lead vocalist.

    Personally, I thought “Bad German” was an excellent folk ballad.

  34. Curly on 14 April 2011, 22:38 said:

    I want royalties for the ‘Steel Liver Drinking Game’ single, dammit! You thief, you’ve cheated me from millions.

  35. Requiem on 14 April 2011, 23:00 said:

    You know there is an old rpg game out there called Ultima made way back in the early 80’s or 90’s. This maradonia saga has a lot of resemblances to it like a high fantasy realm mixed in with spaceships. If anyone has heard of SpoonyExperiment then you know what i’m talking about. Maybe they’ll find a wizard with a machine gun also.

  36. Kilgore on 14 April 2011, 23:43 said:

    @ Danielle.

    Yeah but Abbadon’s got a better range and he’s the only remaining original member, so if you replace him with Ruchi you’ve effectively done away with ACOE.

    I did hear that they’re gonna go on tour with Ozzy so that should be fun.

  37. Licht on 14 April 2011, 23:46 said:

    XD

    Guys… you’re awesome.

    <3

  38. cris on 15 April 2011, 01:16 said:

    With the feeling the presence thing, could it be the disturbance in the Force from Star Wars she is referencing? I’d say the One Ring, but that is only when worn, so…

    And I am so excited to you for this, I’ve been waiting for book two. Is book three for sale anywhere, I will do the spork of it if so. (To spread the liver killing a little)

  39. cris on 15 April 2011, 01:18 said:

    And you owe me a drink…

    Ophir (Hebrew: אוֹפִיר, Modern Ofir Tiberian ʼÔp̄îr) is a port or region mentioned in the Bible, famous for its wealth. King Solomon is supposed to have received a cargo of gold, silver, sandalwood, precious stones, ivory, apes and peacocks from Ophir, every three years.

  40. Kye on 15 April 2011, 03:53 said:

    Yay. You started sporking this already! :o which is awesome, because I’m so bored all the time and your sporks always seem to cure my boredom. :D and I always can’t wait for the next one.

    At least this book sounds a bit better than Seven Bridges. I bet there are heaps of wtf moments in it though, but I guess all the Maradonia books are expected to be wonky. As for the cover, its meh, I don’t hate it entirely, it could be worse like the first one.

  41. Prince O' Tea on 15 April 2011, 07:27 said:

    I wonder if we will have peacocks in this book. Their names will be Bluey, Chirpy, Tricky and Betty. They will all be female (despite having the long tail), will all have no individual personality traits, will constantly tell Joey and Maya how wonderful they are, and they will vanish a third of the way into the book, and will not be mentioned until the last page, where we will be told they “felt like taking a walk and have only just decided to come back”

  42. Costanza on 15 April 2011, 13:58 said:

    Also, lol @ Commander Justin.

    I would have preffered a shitty fantasy name to fucking Justin

  43. BettyCross on 15 April 2011, 14:15 said:

    Constanza, I know how you feel about “Justin.” I keep imagining Justin Bieber wearing chain mail, and with that cute haircut he used to have (before the spikey one) stuffed into a fantasy warrior helmet.

  44. Sahgo on 15 April 2011, 14:18 said:

    I keep imagining Justin, the Blue Ranger kid from Power Rangers Turbo.

  45. LoneWolf on 15 April 2011, 14:29 said:

    Justin isn’t that bad, it’s a respectable ancient name. Especially if you pronounce it “Iustin”, like it should be pronounced (the “dz” sound is vulgar and barbaric).

  46. The Cat on 15 April 2011, 14:52 said:

    “We will chain him to these fetters and command our vultures to feed only on his liver because his liver will grow back again.” (page 4)

    Greek mythology rip-off! Remind anyone of what Zeus did to Prometheus when he found out that the Titan had given humans fire?

    And we thought it was just the bible.

    Shakes head sadly

  47. Prince O' Tea on 15 April 2011, 15:04 said:

    So… how long is it before Alana Terrence is killed? (Since Gloria loves to spoil her own work, constantly). Is she going to be killed by pissy Maradoniian aliens? Also, why are we supposed to hate her (still) unmentioned mother Lindsay? I suppose Suesurcution is that much of a cardinal sin, that relatives MUST be punished as well.

    Also… King.. Joey? Couldn’t they at least call him King Joseph?

  48. Prince O' Tea on 15 April 2011, 15:21 said:

    Hang on… Maya says “last week”. So I’m guessing they have been back at least a week or so. Maybe even more, like a month.

    A day in earth = a thousand years in Maradonia. So doesn’t that mean at least seven thousand years, twenty thousand years, or maybe forty or fifty thousand years have passed since they left Maradonia? So why are the characters in Maradonia acting as if Maya and Joey and their Magical Key of Mass Murder left yesterday?

    Tesch, why do you keep adding stupid details that make your plot make even less sense? Such as there being no way to get hungry or tired in Maradonia? They may seem like convinent excuses to you, but they actually make your story fall apart.

  49. Costanza on 15 April 2011, 19:12 said:

    Joey is a stupid-ass name.

    And yes, fresh Prince O’ Tea, seven thousand years have passed in Maradonia and Tesch forgets about it.

    What an idiot.

  50. Prince O' Tea on 15 April 2011, 20:06 said:

    Hey hey! My cousin is called Joey! (as a matter of fact I’m half italian, so there are a LOT of joeys in my family!) But I have to admit, it really doesn’t go with the story at all. Its a very Aerith and Bob situation (Gertrude and Arabella also say hello.)

    I find this kind of situation amusing. its like the Star Ocean games, where the humans have names like Fayt and Reimi, while the aliens have names like Roger, Millie and Sarah.

    I wouldn’t be surprised if it was more like eighty thousand years have passed. I’m going to listen to this song now. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQba92LBfHo It makes a LOT more sense then Maradonia.

  51. Curly on 15 April 2011, 20:17 said:

    It’s sorta funny, as there was not reason AT ALL for the time difference thing to be in the story, except that she wanted to rip off Narnia. It doesn’t better the story at all, it just ruins it.
    Hehehe Irony
    And Prince: Mi piaci il gatto.

  52. Costanza on 15 April 2011, 20:24 said:

    Well, Joey mostly just sounds stupid in the context of a fantasy protagonist and a prince. Just think of ‘Joey Stalin’. The man of steel sounds a lot more approachable now, doesn’t he?

    I always imagine Joey looking like that dumbass uncle on Full House, the guy with the puppets. That show was awful…

  53. Taku on 16 April 2011, 00:37 said:

    Tesch follows this with several paragraphs of description that are actually pretty well-written. So well-written, in fact, that it does not sound like Tesch. For a moment I was worried that Tesch had drastically stepped up her game and wouldn’t be ridiculously easy to mock any further, and then she gets back to her old style a moment later once the dialogue begins. I’m guessing that her editor rewrote that passage. Extensively.

    I wouldn’t mind seeing that paragraph. I want to see what an editor could actually do to Maya’s, sorry, Gloria’s writing.

    Second thought is, edited? o_O

  54. ZeeZee on 16 April 2011, 01:21 said:

    I wouldn’t mind seeing that paragraph. I want to see what an editor could actually do to Maya’s, sorry, Gloria’s writing.

    I’d like to see it too.

  55. LoneWolf on 16 April 2011, 04:33 said:

    Yeah, I wouldn’t mind to see a sample of Leah Dallaire’s writing, too.

  56. Curly on 16 April 2011, 05:50 said:

    Ditto
    (Did I just got to all the trouble of commenting just to type one word? Yes, yes I did.)

  57. dragonarya on 16 April 2011, 11:32 said:

    @ The Cat:

    Greek mythology rip-off! Remind anyone of what Zeus did to Prometheus when he found out that the Titan had given humans fire?

    Talking to a mythology nut right here. :P

  58. Prince O' Tea on 16 April 2011, 16:21 said:

    Bah, not much new in Gloria land. I did have some good giggles at the movie website even if none of it was new. I think my favourite line is “Joey has a powerful understanding of knowledge.” Ooohkay. Couldn’t she have just said “Joey has a deep appreciation for knowledge” or “Joey has a great thirst for knowledge” or “Joey has a desire to understand new things.” Glo needs to realise that splicing fancy words together does not make her sound intelligent.

    Also, you have to love all the spelling errors on the site: “slender built” not “slender build” for example. Also, why is Oraculus included on the list of characters? I can think of at least ten characters more important then him (or at least appear more.) And of course, Gloria’s eagerness to spoil her own plots. Maybe she realises how many cliche’s her work includes, and doesn’t see the point in beating around the bush?

  59. Flarehawk on 16 April 2011, 19:42 said:

    She’s like the Joseph DuCreux meme came to life and wrote a shitty book. Also, she has a 19th century thesaurus for a brain and she’s not afraid to use it.

  60. Prince O' Tea on 16 April 2011, 23:22 said:

    I LOL’D! =D

  61. VikingBoyBilly on 17 April 2011, 16:59 said:

    That vacation didn’t last long.
    Loved the UFO’s and aliens, smack in the first chapter, no less.

    What is the status report on that movie? I assume the site looks the same from last time I checked, and Team Tesch has but only a couple weeks to deliver on their promise to have it done in April 2011.

  62. swenson on 17 April 2011, 23:29 said:

    Here’s the movie page on maradonia.com. I don’t seem to recall that little teaser video. I also notice it says “in production 2011”, so I guess it’s been delayed. How incredibly saddening.

  63. Curly on 18 April 2011, 01:48 said:

    She doesn’t really believe she’s making a movie, does she? DOES SHE? I mean, come on, it’s not like it’s a good premise anyway, as the story makes no sense. Who would make it? Are they actually making it themselves? Is there a way to use the word ‘delusional’ without negative connotations? Will I ever stop asking questions? Maybe?
    I love how they’ve got a Like for Facebook Button Thingy, that’s incredibly optimistic, especially considering that the few people in the world who know about the movie’s existence either hate it or don’t have the cognitive abilities to push the button anyway.

  64. The Cat on 18 April 2011, 07:07 said:

    Here’s the movie page on maradonia.com. I don’t seem to recall that little teaser video. I also notice it says “in production 2011”, so I guess it’s been delayed. How incredibly saddening.

    Oh COME ON! I mean, the trailer was literally them zooming in on a fuzzy picture of an annoying ‘evil-looking’ castle. I’ve done better animation with LEGOS!

    Sheesh.

    By the way, I think ‘delayed’ is synonymous with ‘canceled’ in this situation…the trailer doesn’t show evidence they’ve even started shooting yet. :D

  65. Prince O' Tea on 18 April 2011, 10:02 said:

    Are they still stealing people’s artwork off Deviantart, and trying to sell it as “Maradonia Official Posters?”

    I think the reason its still in production… is for obvious reasons. (the fact they gave themselves until April shows they have no idea about filmmaking) It will probably never appear, like the esteemed GLORIA TESCH SHOW! Plus, I doubt any actor would want to be involved in the movie. I mean, most of the actors in The Room seem to be pretty good (considering what they had to work with, script, main actor and director-wise) but have any of them done anything since?

    I mean considering how bloated the cast is with superfluous characters, how are they supposed to find actors for them all? (Even if you trim down the cast considerably, like say only rescue Aquamarisha instead of an entire harem of mermaids, you still have quite a large cast) I mean, in their trailer the homeless junkie they found plays both a “cosplayer” AND “King Apollyon”. The movie might twitch a bit, but its already dead.

  66. Rorschach on 18 April 2011, 14:55 said:

    I think the reason its still in production… is for obvious reasons. (the fact they gave themselves until April shows they have no idea about filmmaking)

    The problem was that Gloria gave them until April, which shows that SHE has no idea about filmmaking. However, since Fisher took over as producer, they’ve stayed away from wildly naive claims.

    I think that the film will get made, as long as the get enough financing. I HOPE that the film gets made, as it will be a work of comic genius unlike any other.

    And if there’s one thing that’s certain, you can get actors to appear in anything. They might not be good actors, but you can get them.

  67. Prince O' Tea on 18 April 2011, 15:10 said:

    Thats true… as an ex-drama student myself, auditions and the theatre industry in general are very closed off, and open auditions are very hard to come by. (In the rare occasion one comes your way, you might line up for hours and hours and hours, only for the part to go to the son/daughter of a famous actor or the casting director, so you never really had any chance to begin with.)

    I really hope it gets made, but I do feel sorry for whatever actors do commit professional suicide by doing this. Hopefully people who genuinely want to become actors will run for their lives, and the actual “cast” will consist of whoever dropped out of the drama club at community college, or the housewife who was in the local ameteur dramatics production of The Seagull five years ago.

  68. BettyCross on 18 April 2011, 17:20 said:

    You’d be surprised at the some of the dreck that famous stars appeared in before they were stars. Some big names started out in horrendous Z-movie dreck.

    I met a guy on line a few years ago who rented a movie called “Religion Inc.” He thought it would be good because Sandra Bullock was in it. Then he noted Sandra Bullock was only in it for 5 minutes and the rest of it was just horrible.

    If they get this thing made at all they’ll probably hire actors at the very beginning of their careers. It might not ruin their careers after all, any more than “Religion Inc” ruined Sandra Bullock’s.

  69. Clarker on 18 April 2011, 17:55 said:

    Did anybody remember yesterday was Gloria’s birthday? I’m guessing that’s why she was pushing for an April release date.

  70. Prince O' Tea on 18 April 2011, 18:22 said:

    I know, but its harder to get away with that kind of stuff on the age of the internet. Stupid movies go viral MUCH faster now, and old shames are much much harder to erase. Whereas ten or fifteen or twenty years ago, they were more likely to be forgotten, especially low budget dreck, like the crapfest Maradonia Dah Moovie is sure to be.

    Its odd how nowadays, a bad movie can be the kiss of death to a budding or mid level actor’s career, but a string of bad movies are what many of Hollywood’s “finest” are known for. Aka any romantic comedy with Jennifer Anniston in it.

  71. swenson on 18 April 2011, 19:39 said:

    There’s plenty of well-done independent productions out there on Youtube made by amateur actors, writers, and directors with no prior experience, no formal training, and no budget… and I can tell you already, they’re all about a hundred times better than this supposedly professional thing Glo is implying is going to happen for Maradonia.

    I would, however, pay a good twenty bucks for a DVD of Maradonia and the Seven Bridges. It would be worth it. (actually, no, what I’d be willing to do is donate a buck or two so Sly can by a single copy for all of ImpishIdea, and then we can all “borrow” it by way of Internet distribution and laugh ourselves silly)

  72. Rorschach on 18 April 2011, 20:38 said:

    I assure you, if and when this thing is ever released, I’m going to by a DVD and recap it in great detail.

  73. Licht on 19 April 2011, 17:07 said:

    Somehow I’m starting to believe we and the people directly involved with this project will be the only ones watching it…

    We’re Maradonia TM Fans O.O

  74. Prince O' Tea on 19 April 2011, 20:29 said:

    The sad thing is…

    we are the closest thing Gloria has to actual fans.

    If Maradonia gets made, I can see it being a downsized Rocky Horror or The Room or Troll 2. We can dress up as the characters, shout “SUE!” and “SOCIOPATH!” every time Maya and Joey appear, throw plastic grasshoppers at the screen, and say “But what about poison!” at the end of every line.

  75. BettyCross on 20 April 2011, 07:35 said:

    *we are the closest thing Gloria has to actual fans. *
    Her Facebook page has approx 720-730 Likes. It changes a little bit from day to day. I’m thinking seven hundred is a huge number of sock puppets.

    Some of these people — horrifying as it sounds — might be authentic fans of her work. Very likely most of them are tweens living in the Tampa-St. Petersburg area, where she’s gotten some local media exposure.

    In addition, I’m sure some of the Likes are people who enjoy trashing her indescribable writing.

  76. Prince O' Tea on 20 April 2011, 10:34 said:

    Well in order to criticise it, you have to like it. Most of the comments I see on her page are thinly veiled criticisms (Glo deletes the more obvious one). I think the number of actual fans (ones that are not family or friends) can be counted on one hand. (One genuine seeming fan seemed to be a 14 year old boy who was posting sappy comments on her myspace/facebook pages. I can see some boy having a crush on her, as Gloria’s looks are probably the only thing she’s got going for her.) A lot of the other likes on her page (I know because I liked it so I could post comments on her wall) seem to be White Knights who probably feel sorry for her.

    I would say 70 percent of her likes = people who like trashing her work and liked it so they could comment/have easier access to her lolz
    15 percent = family and friends
    Ten percent = sockpuppets
    the remainder = actual fans and the occasion white knight who feels sorry for her

  77. Swenson on 20 April 2011, 11:52 said:

    Some of them are also probably from people who hit like for everything, even if they don’t really know what it is.

  78. BettyCross on 20 April 2011, 12:44 said:

    How do people on this site create those orange backdrops for quoted passages?

  79. swenson on 20 April 2011, 13:56 said:

    You have to put “bq.” before it. Here’s an example (just take the * out when you actually use it):

    bq*. Hello!

    If the * wasn’t in it, it would look like this:

    Hello!

  80. BettyCross on 20 April 2011, 14:33 said:

    “The warrior queen Maya rules the Land of Maradonia with an iron fist and tries to unite the seven free kingdoms with the help of her brother King Joey. Both of them know that unity is the only opportunity to win the War of the Worlds against the Evil Empire.”

    That’s the last paragraph of the summary of the last 2 books in the 6 book “trilogy” (groan!). So, Maya rules with “an iron fist,” does she? Does she have death camps for real or suspected followers of the Forces of Evil too?

  81. Prince O' Tea on 20 April 2011, 14:54 said:

    She probably has the cute little mermaids feed them to sea monsters, or has has the unicorns trample them to death.

    Maybe Joey incinerated Genarius and Ruchi with his DeathRay, and took over Maradonia by force? Since Gloria doesn’t seem keen to follow up on the ONE DAY = A THOUSAND YEARZ IN NARNIADONIA GUYZ

  82. LoneWolf on 20 April 2011, 15:12 said:

    Actually, a cynical Deconstruction of the genre in which the “encourager kids from our world” rule their “wonderland” kingdoms with iron fists might be interesting.

  83. Licht on 20 April 2011, 19:33 said:

    LoneWolf, reminds me of Song of Ice and Fire when that nasty boy-king of Cersei reigns.

    In history there’ve quite often been kings and/or queens who reigned as mere icons. The real politics were done by others in the background controlling and using them like puppets. While king and queen enjoyed luxury and sweet idleness, someone else did the job and used the real power to his advantage. They were shown to the people now and then, and when politics failed they were given the fault.

    I think that could be an awesome Fantasy story. The usual plot, some “child encouragers” from our time traveling to a magical kingdom and being made king/queen for no reason whatsoever except being “the chosen ones” – and in truth they’re just being used by some dubious council members, a power hungry chief secretary or some other grey eminence… I’d SO read that.

  84. BettyCross on 20 April 2011, 21:01 said:

    But Licht, it doesn’t work that way if your Queen is a Mary Sue, assisted by her brother King Gary Stu. Sues are never wrong and never have to take anyone else’s advice. All they want from anyone else is praise.

  85. swenson on 20 April 2011, 22:06 said:

    Huh. That would be pretty interesting, actually, Licht. So the real story could begin after they saved (or “saved”) the world, either because they actually do want to rule (assuming they’d be all right at it, which, granted, a young king/queen could be with wise advisors) or simply because they finally figure it out.

  86. Licht on 21 April 2011, 01:17 said:

    They won’t have to take any advice. They’d just do whatever they do and someone would watch that they don’t come in the way of whatever plans the “real rulers” have.
    Probably they’d just run around letting people celebrate them or riding unicorns in search of some magic thingy or sleeping with their crowns on or something. Everybody would tell them how special and mighty they are. They wouldn’t even notice they don’t really have any influence…
    For a long time (until they finally figure out) they wouldn’t even know there’s actual work needed for running a kingdom…

    @swenson: That. For example.

  87. BettyCross on 21 April 2011, 09:23 said:

    Does anybody know where I can get that 40 page extract that everybody’s talking about? I’d like to get some friends together at some future con and arrange a competitive reading of it, like they do with Eye of Argon.

  88. Prince O' Tea on 21 April 2011, 13:23 said:

    I remember finding it a few months ago on Megaupload or something similar. When i go back to London I’ll email it to you or upload it or something. I really want to see the book trailer again!

  89. TacoGryphon on 22 April 2011, 07:55 said:

    And now:
    ACOE
    Airship Gold
    Aristo Records.

    1. Pack the Unicorns

    May I? Since this is Gloria “The Plagiarist” Tesch we’re mixing tunes for…

    To the tune of Walk the Dinosaur:

    It was a night like this forty million years ago
    They lit a forest fire, flirt with a mermaid, start to go
    The Key was spitting fire, Joey’s eyes were blue as ice
    Maya felt a little tired, so she gave him some ‘advice’

    And packed the unicorn!
    She packed those unicorns!

    Open the door, go to the store,
    Everybody pack a unicorn!
    Open the door, go to the store,
    Everybody pack a unicorn!

    Boom Boom, acka-lacka-lacka boom
    Boom boom acka-lacka boom boom!

    :bows: Not a perfect ripoff, perhaps, but this IS Tesch we’re talking about.

  90. BettyCross on 23 April 2011, 19:12 said:

    Amazon is selling “Gold of Ophir” new for $99.95. That’s right. One hundred dollars. That’s a pretty high price just to see Alanna Terrence get killed.

    OTOH, a “collectable” copy autographed by GTesch herself is on sale at Amazon for only $19.95. I won’t be wasting my money on either.

  91. Prince o' Tea on 23 April 2011, 20:46 said:

    I want my own copy but being across the pond in the land of beverages and bad teeth its impossible. :( Like I want to spork the Twilight series, but it will be much easier finding those in a thrift shop.

    I want to pack a unicorn. Or a mermaid, they seem pretty slutty and homicidal.

  92. Requiem on 27 April 2011, 23:05 said:

    “What a terrifying mistake that would be…” he thought, “Maybe I should have developed over time a better relationship with my young son.” (page 9)

    Anyone feel a singalong of “cats and the cradle” coming on?

  93. Savannah Brown on 7 May 2013, 14:56 said:

    You do know the names Abbadon and Apollyon are from the Bible, right?

  94. Tim on 7 May 2013, 16:52 said:

    It’s kind of funny that the line in question (Rev 9:11) is just a rather odd reiteration of the same untranslated point; if you fully translate it (and don’t treat the two words as proper nouns, which they actually aren’t) you get

    And they had a king over them, which is the angel of the bottomless pit, whose name in the Hebrew tongue is “the destroyer,” but in the Greek tongue hath his name “the destroyer.”

    Even if you treat them as proper nouns, Abbadon and Apollyon are the same demon.

  95. swenson on 7 May 2013, 17:28 said:

    Tesch’s Biblical plagiarism (I’m not going to insult the Bible by giving Tesch’s work the honor of being called “allegory” or something, because it’s not) is often that stupid. Apollyon and Abbadon have always only been the Hebrew and Greek words for the same thing, never a father and son.

  96. Evil Imperialist on 29 October 2013, 00:04 said:

    “his powerful voice floated with pressure into the minds of his sons”

    That just doesn’t sound right.

  97. HamsterZerg on 12 December 2013, 16:27 said:

    Tesch’s Biblical plagiarism

    I’m pretty sure I know exactly where they’re gonna have to glue her back together…