Chapter Twelve
Anastasia goes out for a jog to think things over. She kinda wants to run over to his hotel and demand sex from him, but it’s five miles away and she can’t run that far. So she ponders what to do as she jogs.
My research has told me that legally it’s unenforceable (page 187).
So don’t sign it, then.
She gets back from her jog and writes Grey an email that says she’s seen enough and it was nice knowing him and sends it, as a joke. Then she worries that maybe he won’t get the joke. Anastasia sits down and starts going over the contract and making notes and suddenly Grey shows up at the doorway.
He’s just gloriously yummy, his pants doing that hanging from the hips thing (page 189).
Seriously, what the fuck does that even mean? Based on previous comments from female readers I don’t believe that anyone actually finds the way pants hang from the hips attractive, but I’m still trying to put together what James is referring to. What separates Grey’s pants from everyone else’s pants?
He says her email warranted a reply in person. Then he asks her if she’s biting her lip deliberately. God. I am getting really sick of these characters obsessing over each other’s pants and the biting of a lip. It’s getting annoying enough that I’m just going to stop talking about it, so, dear reader, please remind herself that at least once, and usually more often during every single scene together Anastasia is going to start biting her lip and Grey is going to call her on it, because apparently her biting her lip is the single most sexually attractive thing Grey has ever seen, so arousing that he can’t stop talking about or just fucking ignore it.
His fingers circle my ear, and very softly, rhythmically, he tugs my earlobe. It’s so sexual (page 190).
Let’s take a moment to examine these two sentences. They’re very short, a total of sixteen words, but they illustrate exactly why this book is so poorly written. As any novice writer knows, you’re supposed to show, not tell. James is very, very bad at this. Take the second sentence, where Anastasia tells us that it’s sexual. First of all, I think the reader can probably figure out that Grey playing with her earlobe is supposed to be sexual; since, you know, this is an erotic novel. But what is the point of Anastasia stopping to TELL the reader that this is supposed to be a sexual scene? If you’re trying to communicate to the reader what Anastasia feels about his action, there’s dozens of better ways to accomplish that. Off the top of my head, here are a few examples:
- I shivered involuntarily.
- My skin tingled at his touch.
- I caught my breath.
You get the idea. Anyway, Grey says he figured he’d come and remind her how nice it was to know him. Holy crap! Anastasia thinks it over and then tackles him and they roll over on the bed with his tongue in her mouth and her inner goddess is percolating like Folgers brand drip coffee through a brand-new filter. Grey asks if she trusts him, she says yeah, so he pulls out a silk tie that is on the cover of this novel and ties her hands together and to the headboard.
He strips her naked, tells her to be quiet, and then leaves to get a drink, returning with a tumbler with ice and wine. Ice and wine. Okay. He gets naked and sits astride her and asks if she’s thirsty. She says yes, so he spits some wine into her mouth. Really.
he leans down and kisses me, pouring a delicious, crisp liquid into my mouth as he does. It’s white wine. It’s so unexpected, so hot, though it’s chilled and Christian’s lips are cool (page 193).
Because he’s a vampire.
So they do this a couple more times and then he kisses her down her belly and leaves a bit of wine and some ice in her belly button.
“If you spill the wine, I will punish you, Miss Steele.” (page 194)
Because they signed a contract saying – never mind, she actually hasn’t signed a contract yet.
There’s lots of foreplay that gets her pretty much right up to the brink but not quite. Then:
He pushes both my knees up the bed so my behind is in the air, and he slaps me hard (page 196).
Good thing she consented to being slapped – wait. I keep forgetting, she hasn’t agreed to that. Well, as long as it doesn’t hurt her too much or she doesn’t ask him to stop there’s nothing wrong with inflicting pain on her during sex, right? Right?
He slides inside and she orgasms instantly and then has a number of multiple orgasms and they finish simultaneously because, well, why not?
They talk and she says the email was just a joke and then she mentions she has issues with the contract and the conversation turns to Mrs. Robinson, the older women who seduced Grey, and it comes out that Grey still talks to her. Anastasia points out the hypocrisy of Grey being able to talk to someone about his alternative lifestyle, but she can’t. Grey offers to introduce her to one of his former subs, which Anastasia flatly turns down because that would be fucking retarded. Grey then turns it around and asks if she’s jealous, which works because Anastasia is, so she never calls him on the fact that he’s a hypocritical douchebag.
She tells him he can leave, he asks if she wants to discuss the contract now, she says no. Petulantly.
“God, I’d like to give you a good hiding. You’d feel a lot better, and so would I.” (page 198)
Anything can be solved by beating your lover. Good to know.
They kiss goodbye, Grey leaves, and Anastasia starts crying. Kate comes in to the rescue and asks what he did and Anastasia explains that she doesn’t think the relationship is going anywhere. Then she asks about Elliott so Kate forgets about the whole crying thing and starts talking about how awesome he is and stuff.
Later, we get some email between Anastasia and Grey. It’s actually nice because it shows that Anastasia has a little spine. Not much of a spine, to be fair, but certainly more than Bella has. Plus, occasionally she calls Grey out on his bullshit. This email is one of those examples. I wish it was better, but I’ll take what I can get. The highlights:
- Anastasia points out that she doesn’t need a 10-page contract for her benefit, obviously this list is for Grey’s benefit. Well. Yeah. Obviously.
Of course, then we get an example of Anastasia completely missing the point:
8. I can terminate at any time if I don’t think you’re sticking to the agreed limits. Okay – I like this (page 203).
NO, YOU IDIOT. RELATIONSHIPS DO NOT HAVE CLAUSES THAT MUST BE EXERCISED TO REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THEM.
- Anastasia is not okay with obedience in all things
- Wants a one-month trial period, not three. Although what is the point of having a trial period when both parties can leave at any time?
- Anastasia refuses to commit to every weekend.
- Points out that she’s not interested in whipping, flogging, and corporal punishment.
15.10 Like loaning me out would ever be an option. But I’m glad it’s here in black and white (page 204).
If you need to sign a contract stating that your partner won’t loan you to other people as a sexual slave, then you’re probably not in a good relationship.
- Anastasia flatly refuses to eating food from a prescribed list. THANK YOU.
- Anastasia points out that they agreed on three hours of exercise, but the list still says four. Very crafty, Grey.
- Anastasia doesn’t want to be fisted.
She sends the email and get a response five minutes later, asking her why she’s still up. She hits reply and sends the following email:
I’m awake because I feel like it. As a grown woman, I can do whatever the fuck I want, including deciding when to go to bed.
Regards,
Anastasia
At least, that’s what she would have said, my imagination. Instead, she says this:
Sir,
If you recall, I was going through this list when I was distracted and bedded by a passing control freak.
Good night. (page 205)
Naturally, Grey responds appropriately:
GO TO BED, ANASTASIA. (page 206)
So Anastasia goes to bed, wondering how he can intimidate her from miles away. And this is probably beating a dead horse, but if you have to ask yourself that question…maybe it’s not a good relationship?
Tim on 28 August 2012, 01:10 said:
Grey has a portable belt-gallows.
Pryotra on 28 August 2012, 07:06 said:
Mrs. Robinson… An older woman who has a thing for younger men or something.
Original.
I kind of want my crying Bastian icon from Live Journal. This book is completely horrible.
OrganicLead on 28 August 2012, 07:46 said:
5 minutes of Google says there’s a good chance it IS legally binding.
I’d take him up on it. I’d want to know why she quit. Was he abusive? (Yes.) Is there some sort of surprise in store? Did she just quit because it wasn’t her sort of thing/she got bored? I know this is weird to do in the context of a relationship, but this isn’t a relationship at the moment, it’s a job.
Taku on 28 August 2012, 07:59 said:
Actually, OrganicLead, that’s one of the first and best things you should do when entering that kind of relationship; find out everything you can about them. Nobody exists in a vacuum, there are going to be people in the “industry” who know what he’s like, former subs/lovers, partners, associates etc. from that culture who can give a clearer picture than you can by yourself.
Pretty much every serious BDSM relationship handbook in the world will have this bit front and centre.
Somehow I wish I didn’t know so much about the BDSM community, but I’ve done a lot of research into a variety of subcultures.
At any rate, the mere sporking of this chapter is making me sick to my stomach (not Rorschach’s insightful sporking, but the quoted elements). This book is just sick.
Prince O' Tea on 28 August 2012, 08:22 said:
I’m glad she said no to the fisting. I guess that would be too kinky for this smutty abortion of a novel.
Tim on 28 August 2012, 08:27 said:
Somewhat unlikely. Even in a state where contracting for sexual services is legal you have the minor issue of proving loss when you’re not actually paying for the services in the first place.
Also, since the contract is kinda short on consequence clauses anyway, what would actually be enforced?
swenson on 28 August 2012, 08:27 said:
Re: biting lips: I have a tendency to do this when I’m pondering things, and I hate Fifty Shades of Grey more than ever for making me associate it with it.
Something about Ana’s termination clause: she can leave if the limits aren’t adhered to. Not because she’s no longer OK with a particular limit, but if the limits in place aren’t stuck to. That seems… unfair. Obviously you’re not quoting the whole thing here, so maybe there’s some part that says “No, actually you can leave whenever you feel like”?
Also, do people really consider this first part romantic at all? Because at this point, it’s still a BDSM contract they’re talking about signing. I have seen no romance in the slightest so far. Sex != love, and erotica != romance.
Tim on 28 August 2012, 08:33 said:
The contract in full (there was a link in the previous part) is designed to make Grey look thoughtful and considerate and so has so many get-out clauses that either partner can essentially end it for any reason or none at all.
Prince O' Tea on 28 August 2012, 10:44 said:
I never will get the pants hips thing. Doesn’t that mean he can’t afford a belt for some reason?
Also did Grey buy her the Macbook, or did she buy it herself? Because her status as a literature student probably won’t come up at all throughout the novel, just as much as being a CEO of a massive company won’t limit Grey’s time to play spanky spanky hide the sausage with Ana.
Anon on 28 August 2012, 11:23 said:
I think the idea of the “pants hanging off his hips” metaphor is to show that Anastasia’s not really looking at his pants, but rather looking at the shape of his body underneath it. Also I guess it shows that his pants are fairly low on his hips? Or perhaps it’s also saying that the pants are tight enough on his hips that he doesn’t really need a belt?
“Although what is the point of having a trial period when both parties can leave at any time?”
In case they want to change some of the rules in the contract, I guess?
“Obviously you’re not quoting the whole thing here, so maybe there’s some part that says “No, actually you can leave whenever you feel like”?”
Well, it does say that she can leave whenever she “feels” like the limits aren’t being adhered to. So if she gets uncomfortable or if she feels like the relationship is going against the spirit of the contract, she’d have an out. But I guess she can’t leave if she’s bored with the relationship or meets some even more mysterious and handsome billionaire that’s inexplicably obsessed with her.
Epke on 28 August 2012, 11:32 said:
I think Meyer me-, sorry, James, means that “hanging from the hips thing” is either A) he’s got hooks surgically embedded in his hips so he doesn’t need a belt (but can’t sleep on his side) or B) the pants are cut really low so that the V shaped muscle is noticeable and thus draws attention to his upper body. I’m going with the latter because Grey, being the “epitome of male beauty” (barf), would probably be wearing his pants for just that reason.
I think Ana should’ve agreed to meet the ex-sub. See how many teeth she still has and if the cigarette-burns are concealable under make-up.
swenson on 28 August 2012, 11:47 said:
He buys it for her. She gets all hissy about it and upset because he’s buying her things and it makes her feel like a whore (which it kind of should), but in the end keeps it anyway.
Pryotra on 28 August 2012, 11:51 said:
Ana, stop with making me think of Christian as a giant Gummy Bear. Particularly when I’m kind of hungry.
If Ana had had any sense at all, she would have at least looked up some stuff about BDSM online and talked to the others. She doesn’t even have a clue what this subculture is like! She’s just jumping head first into it without a clue.
Fell Blade on 28 August 2012, 11:54 said:
Re: Biting Lip… I hate this. After four Twilight books, I hate this. I know that people do this sometimes, but it was so overused in Twilight you could make a drinking game out of that alone and be drunk out of your mind in ten pages. Why is it sexually attractive for the female protagonist to bite her lip?!
jeppers on 28 August 2012, 12:17 said:
As for the pants thing, maybe Grey’s just trying to be ‘hip’? That’s what young people are into, right?
Prince O' Tea on 28 August 2012, 15:11 said:
So let me get this straight? He buys her a MACBOOK after bedding her once? I’d feel like a whore if he paid for a pizza.
It’s kind of funny that she traded a macbook for her virginity, because the first thing I thought when I heard the name Anastasia Steele was that it was a high-class escort name. I love being proven right!
Sweguy on 28 August 2012, 16:56 said:
One night in bed with a strange man for a Macbook? I’d do it. I’d so do it.
Fireshark on 28 August 2012, 17:56 said:
Not a chance in hell. A PC set up for gaming, or nothing.
Back on topic, why is FSoG so long and ponderous? This kind of thing should really be a novella, max. Or does some kind of plot actually develop?
Prince O' Tea on 28 August 2012, 18:04 said:
Well you’d be surprised how much drama you can milk out of two dimwits fucking in real life, so why not a trilogy of books? Not an especially interesting trilogy, but there are some people who thrive on that kind of petty uninteresting drama.
swenson on 28 August 2012, 18:32 said:
Much to my surprise, yes, a plot other than “ARE GREY AND ANA IN TWU WUV” does develop!
…at the very end of the second book. I could write an entire essay on the extreme stupidity of the second book’s “plot”, in fact, but it would ruin the delightful experience of discovering all the stupidities of the first book in this spork.
OrganicLead on 28 August 2012, 19:18 said:
It stuck to it’s source material well.
For some odd reason I always forget that this sort of thing is kind of illegal, but that’s a rant that’s going to derail this even further.
I think my memory is failing me, but I could have sworn he was offering her goods in exchange for this. Not all contracts involve the direct exchange of money. The reason it’s important is because of the previously mentioned subtle creepiness of it. If she’s legally bound to the contract, she HAS to let Grey control her eating habits, her exorcise, who she can and can not see, etc.
Pryotra on 28 August 2012, 21:24 said:
Frankly, I don’t think that Christian could afford what it would take to make me agree to that kind of contract.
What’s really awful about this whole thing is that this thing is popular. There are people who think that this is SEXY. There are people who think that Christian (who I keep imagining as looking like Gaston) is sexy. This is almost as bad as Hush Hush.
The only thing more that Christian needs are mindrape powers…
Minoan Ferret on 29 August 2012, 03:03 said:
My belt broke today, and my pants did just that. Good to know I turned on every dim-witted woman in visual range.
Change the “e” in your username to an “a”…
As a guy, I’m kinda worried that women might start expecting every man to be like Grey. I can’t be tied down with a girl that wants me tied up.
Fell Blade on 29 August 2012, 08:48 said:
@Pryotra, my wife and I were discussing this series and came to the same conclusion. It’s crazy and kinda sad how this series got to be so popular.
swenson on 29 August 2012, 09:56 said:
I AM INSTANTLY IN LOVE WITH YOU.
WILL YOU BUY ME A MACBOOK SO OUR LOVE CAN BE COMPLETE?
Prince O' Tea on 29 August 2012, 10:01 said:
And me too! I’d happily exchange my bondage virginity for a new macbook. Or are the prizes negotiable? I really need a new tropical fish tank.
Nate Winchester on 29 August 2012, 11:01 said:
This is why sweson is the II sex goddess.
Oh it gets worse when you see the proof that Gaston is based on a serial killer.
Pryotra on 29 August 2012, 13:20 said:
Someone hold me.
And that picture of Johan Liebert gave me flashbacks of that anime. So now I have a serial killer and an attempt to create Hilter/the Beast (or just maybe the Antichrist) running around in my head.
STOP CLAIMING THAT SERIAL KILLERS AND COMPLETE MONSTERS ARE SEXY, JAMES!
swenson on 29 August 2012, 13:22 said:
I feel inspired to write a book of revisionist history about Jack the Ripper now, painting him as a sympathetic and misunderstood soul who only wanted love. And you know what happens in the very end, when the beautiful yet clumsy heroine is joyfully rushing into her lover Jack’s arms?
HE STABS HER.
BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT HE DOES.
BECAUSE HE’S JACK THE RIPPER, YOU STUPID WOMAN.
Nate Winchester on 29 August 2012, 14:59 said:
Babylon 5 very nearly did that, swenson.
Prince O' Tea on 29 August 2012, 15:42 said:
I feel tempted to rewrite 50 Shades of Grey to include some of the seriously kinky stuff that James is too squeamish to include. Golden showers, 2 Morons 1 Cup, 1 Ana 1 Jar, and something unspeakable involving a tank full of goldfish from the fair. You name it.
Oh and fursuiting. Turns out Christian’s fursona is a wolf. Yiff.
A Publisher on 29 August 2012, 15:50 said:
Love the idea, here’s a large advance. Make sure you don’t include any talent accidentally, people hate that.
Prince O'Tea on 29 August 2012, 16:53 said:
Talent? Forget that. Proofreading? Editors? Those things are for losers and haters who don’t get put on best sellers lists. Ask Smeyer, E.D. James and Gloria Tesch.
Well. Maybe not Gloria Tesch.
A Publisher on 29 August 2012, 18:32 said:
We thought you have to copy a good author to be an author, hence our well-stocked crapalog including wonderous knock-off titles like Barry Porter and the Sorcerous Rock, The Emaciated Events and Eragon. Turns out actually you just have to copy a different author. Silly us. Anyway, hop on before the bubblehead bursts, we’re eager to skim the contents and put it in a shiny black cover with silver lettering before this whole ridiculous fad goes Dubai on us and leaves us with a mountain of unsold shit that pulping would actually increase the literary value of.
Prince O' Tea on 29 August 2012, 22:24 said:
Don’t forget the glossy photo of an inanimate object and the promise that it if you liked 50 Shades of Grey, you’ll love this because it contains more dirty bits.
Kitty on 30 August 2012, 00:31 said:
Re: pants thing.
Sometimes girls like the shape of guys’ pelvises, or enjoy the way hiphuggers look on said pelvises…probably for the same reason some guys like when girls wear tops that show a little shoulder. I don’t think it’s a weird thing to like.
I wanted to make an assessment of the sexiness of lipbiting, but none of the men I have dug up seem to want to talk about it.
Tim on 30 August 2012, 02:57 said:
Minoan Ferret on 30 August 2012, 03:27 said:
@Swenson and Prince: My last comment vanished/got deleted. Sorry if it was the latter, and due to offensiveness. Though how it could have been, referring to me being unable to even afford a macbook for myself, I don’t know.
Tim on 30 August 2012, 07:08 said:
swenson on 30 August 2012, 14:36 said:
@Tim – what even is that first picture of?
Nate Winchester on 30 August 2012, 15:14 said:
Swenson, that’s a meat slicer. You see it in deli’s, arby’s, etc. Any place they need the meat sliced nice and thin.
Prince O' Tea on 30 August 2012, 18:53 said:
So is Christian trying to cunningly dispose of Ana’s body after some breathplay went wrong, or is erotic cannibalism the next step in porn for soccer moms?
A Publisher on 30 August 2012, 19:23 said:
No, Christian Oakes is the local butcher who shows her what he can do with his sausage. It’s scandalous and controversial because she’s Jewish.
Tim on 30 August 2012, 19:26 said:
Wrong name nevermind.
Fell Blade on 31 August 2012, 09:30 said:
Ok, how big is this girl’s navel? o.O
Perry Rhinitis on 4 September 2012, 10:07 said:
I just can’t believe people find these scenes sexy. Erlack a pongoes!
“Sexy” serial killers/psychopaths are so all over animé I’ve been practically desensitized to it. It’s one of the reasons, aside from disgustingly high-pitched voices and spaghettified character designs so common in animé nowadays, why I’ve not watched much any series lately.
Kyllorac on 4 September 2012, 15:47 said:
You need to watch Tiger & Bunny right now if you haven’t already.
/drivebyrec
Spitfire on 2 January 2013, 01:58 said:
I BELIEVE this sort of stuff is what is meant by “pants hanging off the hips.” … I think? She doesn’t quite explain herself and it’s not how I would personally describe it but I think these sort of low cut pants can be sexy sometimes though I strongly suspect more gay men than straight women like the look (I like it, for the record, and am a woman) Thor, Sam, cut dudes across fandom all tend to get this treatment lately…