Chapter Nine
Anastasia wakes up and Grey is asleep next to her. We get a lengthy paragraph of her pondering just how ridiculously attractive he is.
I could gaze at him all day, but I have needs – bathroom needs (page 125).
Good to know.
So she puts on one of his shirts, has a tinkle, and eyes her reflection in the mirror. Her subconscious is giving her what for, and it actually kinda makes sense.
So you’ve just slept with him, given him your virginity, a man who doesn’t love you. In fact, he has very odd ideas about you, wants to make you some sort of kinky sex slave (page 126).
RUN.
She doesn’t run. Because she’s bewildered and confused. Seriously.
I’m bewildered and confused (page 126).
Show, don’t tell.
She remembers that Kate is probably worried about her, so she finds her phone and there’s a series of increasingly worried texts from Kate. Three, to be precise. Methinks Kate wasn’t really that worried. Anastasia leaves a voicemail on Kate’s phone, plugs in her iPod, and heads into the kitchen to cook some breakfast. We’re then treated to a lot of text about her cooking, presumably because of how often Bella Swan cooks.
Then Grey shows up.
Just-fucked hair really, really suits him, as does his designer stubble (page 127).
Good lord.
She finishes cooking and they sit down to eat with some playful banter:
“I wonder if we should continue your basic training.” (page 129)
Holy fuck that’s hot.
She’s a little sore, and Grey noticed because she winced when she sat down, so he suggests that they stick to oral skills (although they won’t). This astonishes her, because, well, it astonishes her. She keeps biting her lip until he reaches up and pulls her lip out of her teeth. You know, I’m not certain if this is intended seriously, based on how often Kristen Stewart bites her lip, or if James is trying to make fun of how often Kristen Stewart bites her lip. Based entirely on the dead-serious Twilight BDSM porn nature of this book, I’m guessing it’s intended seriously.
He bitches at her to finish her breakfast, so she asks what the fuck is his problem. I’m paraphrasing of course: that’s what I would say, but Anastasia asks what it is with him. Grey says he has issues with wasted food. Well, naturally, like most billionaires, he must have a problem with wasting anything. So, instead of calling him out on projecting his own psychological hangups onto other people, Anastasia decides she’ll just be careful not to overload her plate in the future and chows down. When they’re done, Grey starts picking up dishes.
“You cooked, I’ll clear.”
“That’s very democratic.” (page 131)
Kate calls, and starts asking Anastasia if, you know, she and Grey did it. Anastasia skirts the issue and hangs up. Then she asks Grey if the NDA she signs prevents her from talking to Kate about fucking. Which is why you should read NDAs before you sign them. And, although I’m not a lawyer, nor do I play one on TV, I’m pretty sure that an NDA cannot legally keep someone from talking to a friend about their sex life, regardless of whether they signed it.
He asks her how last night was, and she says it was good. Turns out he enjoyed it, which was surprisingly, because he’s never had vanilla sex before.
Wow.
They take a bath together. He washes her, slowly, and it’s absolutely amazing. Downright heavenly, in fact. Eventually he gets to washing her naughty bits, which makes her groan with pleasure.
“Feel it, baby,” Christian whispers in my ear, and very gently grazes my earlobe with his teeth. “Feel it for me.” (page 135)
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAA.
Seriously, this is supposed to be an erotic novel? This writing was intended to arouse people? This dialogue, which sounds like it’s taken from a bad porno?
But he stops before she orgasms and then says he needs washing too. Well. That’s kind of a dick move.
Anyway, the washing doesn’t really last long. He has a hard-on that would make Mr. Darcy jealous and after giving him a bit of a handy, Anastasia remembers about him wanting to fuck her mouth, so she heads downstairs.
Hmm…he’s hard and soft at once, like steel encased in velvet, and surprisingly tasty – salty and smooth (page 136).
I’m going to ignore the fact that smooth isn’t a taste in favor of looking at the line ‘steel encased in velvet’, which is sheer brilliance.
The blowjob lasts for a solid page, during which we learn that Anastasia doesn’t have a gag reflex. Which is convenient. We also get two lovely quotes:
He’s my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle (page 137).
Which is almost as good as this:
My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves (page 137).
I had no idea James was also a fan of the salsa dance!
She swallows and that is that. Then they move into the bedroom because he owes her an orgasm, which seems fair. He asks her if she trusts him. She says yes. So he fetches a gray tie from the closed and ties her hands together.
He runs his fingers down my pigtails.
“You look so young with these,” he murmurs (page 139).
Uh-oh.
Then we get about three pages of him making out with various parts of her body. It starts with her neck, moves to her torso, then down to her feet, then…up.
“Do you know how intoxicating you smell, Miss Steele?” he murmurs, and keeping his eyes on mine, he pushes his nose into my pubic hair and inhales (page 141).
He chows down on her lady parts, she comes, they have sex, it’s amazing, and then they have ANOTHER simultaneous orgasm. As they lie there, basking in their postcoital glow, they hear voices from the hallway of someone asking where he is. Grey is horrified. Because…it’s his mother!
Chapter Ten
Grey pulls on some clothes quickly and tells Anastasia that she can borrow any of his clothes to wear so she can meet his mother. He heads out to intercept her. Anastasia gets dressed quickly and heads out. His mother is there, and she’s named Grace Trevelyan-Grey. The narrator tells us that she’s a doctor. Wait. How the fuck does Anastasia know that she’s a doctor? I’m pretty sure that hasn’t actually been mentioned at any point in the story.
Her phone rings, and it’s Jose, who wants to apologize for his behavior. Anastasia says she can’t talk now and hangs up. Grey’s mom has to take off, so she bids Anastasia farewell and peaces out.
Taylor, Grey’s associate, pops in and says there’s an issue with the Darfur shipment. Grey leaps into action with his Blackberry to check emails and make important phone calls. He finishes up and says he’ll drive her back to Portland.
“I’ll just make a call,” I murmur. I just want to hear Kate’s voice. He frowns.
“The photographer?” His jaw clenches and his eyes burn. I blink at him. “I don’t like to share, Miss Steele. Remember that.” His quiet, chilling tone is a warning, and with one long, cold look at me, he heads back to the bedroom (page 148).
Wow. It suddenly feels like Anastasia is in an abusive, controlling relationship. This is Twilight fanfiction!
They get in one of Grey’s expensive cars and head out. On the way they stop at a restaurant. Anastasia wants a diet Coke but Grey orders a couple glasses of Pinot Grigio. And as we all know, men refusing to let women do what they want is very romantic.
Grey says his mother likes her, mostly because she always thought that he was gay. He reveals that there’s been plenty of firsts for him recently:
“I’ve never slept with anyone, never had sex in my bed, never flown a girl in Charlie Tango, never introduced a woman to my mother. What are you doing to me?” (page 153)
Anastasia’s just that Special.
She asks about him never having vanilla sex. Grey explains that one of his mother’s friends seduced him when he was fifteen, and that he was her submissive for the six years.
They have food, Anastasia loses her appetite, Grey is creepy threatening with making her eat. He takes her home, drops her off, and she heads inside to Kate, and there’s the requisite scene where she asks how it was and Anastasia explains that it was awesome. Kate explains how her first time was terrible, which, yeah.
They talk for a bit. Anastasia opens some mail. She has a couple interviews at publishing houses in Seattle. I wonder if Grey pulled some strings?
Jose calls her, apologizes again, and then immediately turns into a nosy, passive-aggressive douchebag. I’m guessing he’s supposed to be the Jacob of the story, since he’s sounding more and more like the character after Meyer pulled a character assassination.
Eventually Kate goes to bed and Anastasia heads into her room. The manila envelope Grey gave her is in her purse.
Do I really want to know the depths of Christian Grey’s depravity? It’s so daunting (page 164).
This is the quality of writing that turns into worldwide bestsellers. Sentences like ‘it’s so daunting’.
swenson on 12 August 2012, 21:37 said:
I do have to say, this line made me burst out laughing (and laughing and laughing and laughing) when I read it. It’s just so… so… well, you’ve read the line for yourself, you see how ridiculous of a line it is! I mean, really now?!
Anyway, this chapter has a lot of firsts for the readers too! It’s the first multipage loving description of a blowjob, the first time Christian is creepy and weird about food, the first time Christian is creepy and weird about Jose (is it the first time, actually? It’s gotta be pretty near to it, anyway), and one of the first times the ugh inner goddess is mentioned.
Pryotra on 12 August 2012, 22:02 said:
…It’s a frightening thing to realize that your voices are more sane than you…well maybe not the salsa dancing goddess, but still…
YAY FOR THE SALSA DANCE!
Ok, I’m not sure if I’ve got the right mental image for this. I’ve got this picture of a popsicle shaped like him in cherry, lime, cotton candy and orange. It’s still hilarious either way.
And to think that this was meant to be taken seriously.
Oh, by the way, did anyone else see the Nostalgia Critic with this book in his Baby Geniuses 2 review?
Minoan Ferret on 13 August 2012, 02:37 said:
Unless it’s Dr. Pepper.
Now this is just getting weird… Bet she’s also a member of the “Gothic Movement.”
Mingnon on 13 August 2012, 03:09 said:
“I had no idea James was also a fan of the salsa dance!”
“Now this is just getting weird… Bet she’s also a member of the ‘Gothic Movement.’”
And next chapter, there will be head-less shenanigans, flying pigs and removals of vehicle engines!! All in good fun! :D
Tim on 13 August 2012, 04:50 said:
“
BellaAna wondered how a literary critic had got inside her head.”Because nature abhors a vacuum.
This was followed by a montage of Ana doing pull-ups, firing a rifle and jumping over obstacles.
Fairly sure that you can only NDA someone on job-related matters, which would mean for this to work Ana’s job would have to involve being contracted to have sex with her boss. I believe there are some laws against that.
Either you need to bq that or this book is a whole lot creepier than I thought.
What the fuck is with all these burning eyes, did a tanker plane filled with mace explode above the building or something?
Fireshark on 13 August 2012, 09:23 said:
That “goddess” probably got there when Ana and her goffick friends used a ouija board to contact evil spirits. Exorcism time!
Tim on 13 August 2012, 10:52 said:
“Excuse me, can I ask you a few questions about the depths of Christian Grey’s depravity?”
ThaArmada on 13 August 2012, 17:43 said:
“You have to go DEEPER”
goa on 13 August 2012, 18:59 said:
“You have to go DEEPER”
Only as long as it leads to more simultaneous orgasms!
swenson on 13 August 2012, 23:21 said:
You have to go DERPER.
Wait, what?
Pryotra on 14 August 2012, 08:34 said:
The only way that could happen is if Derpy herself turned up in this book.
TPSockpuppet on 14 August 2012, 12:33 said:
Muffins!
Kyllorac on 14 August 2012, 18:05 said:
I BLAME YOU AND YOUR SPORKS FOR THIS RORSCHACH!
ThaArmada on 14 August 2012, 18:25 said:
link please, for all us masochists out there
ThaArmada on 14 August 2012, 18:29 said:
Every time I get to a passage from the actual novel, I hear it in John St. John’s voice.
Sahgo on 14 August 2012, 19:27 said:
I read in Gilbert Gottfried’s.
Kyllorac on 15 August 2012, 09:11 said:
Ewno. That would involve me clicking on that ad, which would forever taint my ad experience.
Well, taint it MORE.
Pryotra on 15 August 2012, 09:17 said:
I’ve already got some rather odd adds because I had to look up wambat milk for a book that I was considering doing a review of.
My adds were never the same again, and I don’t want to add porn to the list.
ThaArmada on 15 August 2012, 11:53 said:
Weird, I don’t have adds period.
Minoan Ferret on 15 August 2012, 14:56 said:
I hear it in what I imagine the “Ermagherd Gersberms” meme girl’s voice might sound like.
Puppet on 15 August 2012, 16:45 said:
…Aaaaaaand that’s why I use Adblock Plus.
ThaArmada on 15 August 2012, 22:33 said:
it appears these adds don’t appear on macs. Nice.
Kyllorac on 16 August 2012, 10:24 said:
I do use Adblock Plus. Except on sites I choose to support that get most of their funding via ad revenue. And that ad follows me across ALL THOSE SITES. Except the ones that use Project Wonderful.
Woe is me!
Prince O' Tea on 18 August 2012, 11:45 said:
Well if she wants her very own Edward Cullen flavoured popsicle, all she has to do is roll one in glitter. Bon appetit, slutbags!
Also, I need to take a moment, and cheer.
My favourite quote from Maradonia is now a meme. I love the salsa dance. You love the salsa dance. Anastasia Steele’s inner goddess loves the salsa dance.
WE LOVE THE SALSA DANCE.
That is all.
ThaArmada on 19 August 2012, 19:54 said:
what is ur favorite maradonia quote?
swenson on 19 August 2012, 20:27 said:
Well, pulling out my file of favorite Maradonia quotes (yes, I have one; unfortunately it’s not very complete), I’m going to have to say… I have no idea. I have:
‘Did our servants prepare the unicorns for the trip?’
Maya also felt that nature was calling and left the conference room.
“Maya told me about their ambitions and I can smell the weasels.”
“Basically it makes a lot of sense to me to carry an invisible mirror and protect the wise men from any harm.”
And that’s just from the Gold of Ophir alone, not even counting the other books!
(For the record, the emphasis is original.)
Prince O' Tea on 20 August 2012, 19:16 said:
Mine will always be “We Love the Salsa Dance.”
Mind you, everything involving Alanna Terrance and the Goffick Movement makes for the most memorable parts of the saga. Not that’s saying much.
Library Seraph on 5 October 2012, 12:17 said:
My favourite Maradonia quote will always be “but what about poison?”
Spitfire on 2 January 2013, 02:01 said:
Where do these publishing houses in Seattle exist? The kind that actually pay? I would have been extremely interested in them when I lived there. And you would think that since I am involved with publishing I would be familiar with them…