Chapter Seven

The room smells citrusy, which I can only imagine is from the cleaning ladies using citrus-scented cleaning equipment when they clean the bodily fluids off everything in the room.

We get a long description. There’s lots of mahogany that’s polished and expensive, but that’s the least interesting part of the description. There’s a wooden cross with restraining cuffs, an iron grid attached to the ceiling with ropes, chains, and shackles, curtain rods with dangling paddles and whips and riding crops and things with feathers and more. There’s also an enormous chest which I’m sure is full of kinky shit, and an enormous bed. With four posters. A red leather mattress cover. And handcuffs.

There are also carabiners all over the ceiling, although the room is really dark, so I’m not sure how she can see these hanging from the ceiling. Maybe she can see in the dark.

Anyway, Anastasia is mildly shocked by all of this. Eventually she asks him whether he uses the stuff on other people, or vice versa. Grey explains that he uses it on women who want him to use it on them.

She asks if he’s a sadist, and he says he’s a Dominant, and explains that he wants her to willingly surrender herself to him. She asks why. He says to please him.

Please him! He wants me to please him! I think my mouth drops open. Please Christian Grey. And I realize, in that moment, that yes, that’s exactly what I want to do (page 100).


Grey explains that he has rules, and if she follows them, he’ll reward her, and if she doesn’t, he’ll punish her, so she learns. Anastasia asks what she gets out of all this.

“Me,” he says simply (page 101).

Quite the ego on this chap, isn’t there?

He leads her out and takes her out to another room that is a normal-looking bedroom, and says this can be her room, if she wants, from Friday through Sunday.

Then they head back to the kitchen to get some food. Even though Anastasia says she’s lost her appetite. Now, keep in mind, up until this point, I really don’t have a problem with anything in this chapter. There isn’t anything wrong with kinky BDSM sex between consenting adults. Other things, I have a problem with.

“You must eat, Anastasia,” he scolds, and, taking my hand, leads me back downstairs (page 102).

“Sit.” He points to one of the stools at the breakfast bar, and I obey his command. If I’m going to do this, I’m going to have to get used to it (page 102).

“I’m really not hungry,” I whisper.

“You will eat,” he says simply (page 103).

This guy is really kind of a dick.

Grey asks her if she wants another glass of wine. Good plan. Get her some more wine before you continue your discussion about what she’s getting into. After all, we know how well Anastasia can handle her alcohol, right?

He explains that they’ll need to set boundaries as to what she’s willing to do, because it’s consensual, and further explains that if she’s not into it, that’s fine, but also they won’t have any kind of relationship because this is the only kind of relationship he’s interested in. And again I’m starting to feel just a little bit creeped here. James is walking a rather fine line. On the one hand, it’s good that they’re setting boundaries and clear expectations, but on the other hand, Grey has already kissed her (without permission, actually forced himself on her, to be precise) given her a helicopter ride to his pad, and now is telling her that they either get to have a relationship but only on his terms, or there is no relationship whatsoever. It just feels a little manipulative to me.

There’s a nice moment where he orders her to eat, again, and she tells him that she hasn’t signed anything so he can just deal with it. This is lovely. We need more of this.

Anyway. Grey busts out his lists of rules. They’re….impressive. I’ll paraphrase.

1. She has to immediately obey anything he says, sexually or otherwise, with exception of stuff agreed in advance that is off limits.

2. Has to sleep 7 hours a night, always. Has to eat from a certain list of foods. Can’t snack between meals unless on fruit.

3. Can only wear approved clothing.

4. Has to exercise four times a week.

5. Has to be clean and shaved/waxed.

6. Can’t drink to excess, can’t smoke, can’t take drugs, or put herself in “unnecessary danger”, which seems ominously ill-defined.

7. Can’t fuck anyone else.

Anastasia’s response to this is much like mine:

Holy fuck (page 106).

So yeah. This is a bit odd. See, most people who do this stuff restrict the rule-playing to the bedroom. You agree on all the rules and then get into the bedroom and have your few hours of BDSM and then leave the bedroom and go about your lives in what most people would agree is a more or less normal manner. Now, occasionally people go a bit farther than that, allowing the sub/dom relationship to move out into other parts of their lives, usually stopping well short of the gimp chained in a box in the basement in Pulp Fiction.

^ Anastasia Steel in the sequel, “Fifty Shades Darker”.

Again, not saying there’s anything wrong this, if people are actually into it. But I don’t think that Anastasia, who has never done anything with BDSM and, as it happens is a virgin (although, to be fair, Grey doesn’t know that yet) should be leaping into the deep end and allowing Grey to control all aspects of her life, including aspects when she’s on her own and not around him.

They argue about how many days she has to spend exercising and eventually settle on three. Then he pulls out a paper that has his hard limits – stuff he won’t due. This includes fire, piss, shit, needles, knives, piercing, gynecological medical instruments, pedophilia, bestiality, anything that leaves permanent damage, anything that restricts breathing, and electric shocks. Grey asks her if she has anything to add. Anastasia says she doesn’t know. And then…it comes out…that she hasn’t actually had sex before.

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” he growls (page 108).

Because it comes up so often in conversation.

Chapter Eight

We learn that Anastasia’s actually only kissed twice in her life, and has never actually been close to having sex. Grey’s a little upset and runs his hands through his hair and then abruptly decides that, well…

“Come,” he murmurs.


“We’re going to rectify the situation right now.” (page 110).

Hottest. Invitation. Ever.

He explains that he wants to make love to her. Anastasia feels the floor falling away and is intensely aroused. Of course, maybe that’s the wine talking. After all, if you want to get in someone’s pants, just impress them with your opulence and power, get them slightly drunk, and then tell them you want to rectify their situation.

She asks about the rules, and he says forget about the rules, they aren’t a big deal, not now, because now is just about making love and not beating the shit out of her with a cat-o-nine-tails. Or something like that. She agrees and he leads her into bedroom and he slowly undresses and then starts undressing her and we get lots of description. It’s incredibly hot.

He gazes up at me through impossibly long lashes, his eyes a scorching smoky gray (page 113).

She has absolutely flawless skin, of course, and he’s absolutely gorgeous, and it’s so incredibly romantic that I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. We get some seductive talk:

“You’re very beautiful, Anastasia Steele. I can’t wait to be inside you.”

Holy shit. His words. He’s so seductive (page 114).

I’ve read more seductive words in fanfiction written by twelve-year-olds.

It continues, and I have to say, this is one of the worst sex scenes I’ve ever read in my life. It’s the opposite of titillating. It’s not even really turning me off. Instead, it’s just…boring. We’ve now had four solid pages of foreplay. FOUR. James is just methodically describing everything as it happens, one step at a time, and sorry, that’s a really bad way to describe anything. You want to give just enough details to give the reader a picture, and let their imagination fill in the rest. That way they’re actually engaged in the story. It also keeps it from getting boring.

The dialogue doesn’t help. Grey touches her breast.

“You fit my hand perfectly, Anastasia,” he murmurs (page 115).

So hot.

We get another page of foreplay, and oh yeah, he has a huge penis, and then they get ready. Now, remember that Grey knows she’s a virgin? Yeah. Turns out he’s just as much of a dick as Mr. Darcy is. See, losing your virginity tends to hurt. A lot. Now, not everyone is the same, but at the very least until you know, you might want to be…I dunno, gentle?

“Hard,” he whispers, and slams into me (page 117).

He’s a classy guy.

So there’s a few moments of pain but that quickly passes and before you know it she’s enjoying herself immensely because as everyone knows, after tearing through one’s hymen the sex immediately becomes really, really pleasurable.

They have sex. It’s absolutely amazing, and then they both have incredible simultaneous orgasms, because that happens so often in real life.

They lay around and breathe and it’s sweaty and he asks her how it was and she says it was amazing and she wants to do it again. So he sticks his thumb inside her and rubs the front wall of her vagina. Then, after a minute, he sticks the thumb inside her mouth.

I taste the saltiness on his thumb and the faint metallic tang of blood. Holy fuck. This is wrong, but holy hell is it erotic (page 120).

I can think of few things less erotic that sucking your loss of virginity blood off of someone’s thumb.

They have sex. Again. And have simultaneous orgasms. Again.

And fall asleep.

Grey is gone when she wakes up, but she walks out and finds him playing the piano, because he’s really good at playing the piano, because Edward Cullen played the piano.

Then they go back to bed and fall asleep together.

Tagged as:


  1. swenson on 25 July 2012, 08:24 said:

    There’s a trope for that sort of horribly-described sex scene (or maybe it’s a Limyaael rant?), but I’m too busy looking for the brain bleach to look it up right now.

    Honestly, I think James is worse at making sexy sex scenes than Linda Berdoll is, and as someone who’s suffered through reading all of your sporks of her stuff is, that’s saying a lot.

    Hang on, I remember what it is: IKEA Erotica, where you’re basically just describing what goes where. I’m pretty sure Limyaael did a rant on it too, though.

  2. T on 25 July 2012, 09:23 said:

    Funny thing is, there are actually people out there like Mr. Grey, and you don’t have to look hard to find examples of this kind of ’24/7’ dom/sub thing. The largest majority of people in the BDSM crowd confine their activities to the bedroom, but there are some who take it further. It is just as disturbing as one would expect.

    Actually, Mr. Grey ticks nearly all of the typical “red flags’: for what to avoid in a bdsm partner. Biggest and most important, is the forcefulness without play or consent. It’s not in a sexual situation, but his domineering attitude blurs the lines between play and abuse, especially as Ana hasn’t consented yet. I like this list:

    Does your partner: – Hide behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned. – Never say “thank you”, “excuse me” or “I am sorry” to anyone. – Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like. – Try to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship. – Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions. – Never show you their human side, is emotionless, hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role. – Try to intimidate you – Routinely threaten violence – Expect complete submission from a stranger

    I have a feeling this story is going to make a habit of ignoring the ‘safe, sane, consensual’ guideline, as well. Wait a sec…

    I taste the saltiness on his thumb and the faint metallic tang of blood.

    Yep, there it is. Strike one for “sane”.

  3. Tim on 25 July 2012, 09:34 said:

    “Come,” he murmurs.

    “I hadn’t ever come in my life before, so I emulated how I had seen men do it, shouting ‘Woo!’ and falling asleep for three hours.”

    This includes fire, piss, shit, needles, knives, piercing, gynecological medical instruments, pedophilia, bestiality, anything that leaves permanent damage, anything that restricts breathing, and electric shocks.

    I don’t see handpuppets on there and even Gomez Addams doesn’t go there. Don’t trust the handpuppet-using pervert!

    Also why would you ever need to list pedophilia or bestiality? It’s not like he’s talking to a child he plans to not have sex with, or that whatever ostrich or dinosaur turned him on could understand him if he was into that.

    Also these rules allow him to BS his way into breathplay by dunking her in water since that’s not technically restricting breathing (it’s restricting not drowning). I wonder if some BSing around these rules will factor into the OF COURSE IT WILL

    He gazes up at me through impossibly long lashes, his eyes a scorching smoky gray (page 113).

    Scorching smoke? His eyes are a pyroclastic flow? Ouch!

    swenson: You might be thinking of Weepingcock:

  4. swenson on 25 July 2012, 10:15 said:

    His eyes are a pyroclastic flow? Ouch!

    If only I could draw, I would draw him with eyes gushing forth lava onto poor Anastasia, who is being burned alive.

  5. Tim on 25 July 2012, 10:45 said:

    Best 50 Shades reading:

  6. Prince O' Tea on 25 July 2012, 13:14 said:

    “I can think of few things less erotic that sucking your loss of virginity blood off of someone’s thumb.”

    Christian getting a blowjob straight after he’s stuck it up our heroine’s pooper?

    Also, I’m wondering, was contraception mentioned here? I’m just wondering since James loves to describe Christian having petrol for jizz or something equally flammable. Our heroine is a virgin and will have no reason to be on the pill, after all.

  7. Prince O' Tea on 25 July 2012, 13:19 said:

    Christian can shoot pyroclastic flows out of his eyes? What could be sexier then our heroine being simultaniously being buried alive, suffocated and burned to death?

  8. Rorschach on 25 July 2012, 13:23 said:

    Christian getting a blowjob straight after he’s stuck it up our heroine’s pooper?

    That’s one of them. :P

    And yes, they used a condom.

  9. Prince O' Tea on 25 July 2012, 15:12 said:

    Oh good. It’s sad, but at this point, I wouldn’t put it past James to write Ana as a saintly virgin who has never been kissed, but always takes the pill “just in case”.

  10. Fireshark on 25 July 2012, 15:38 said:

    Just a quick sketch.

  11. Minoan Ferret on 25 July 2012, 17:08 said:

    @Fireshark: That picture is better than the whole stupid series!

    @Swenson: Limyaael’s sex scene rant

  12. Erin on 25 July 2012, 19:39 said:

    Our heroine is a virgin and will have no reason to be on the pill, after all.

    Eh, a lot of women go on the pill for other reasons, like medical issues or they just have super bad periods and want things to be more comfortable.

    But anyway, I am just amazed at how awful and unsexy this whole thing is.I’ve heard it’s horrible, of course, but I didn’t think it would be this bad. It’s how I imagine an incredibly sheltered 13-year-old virgin would write sex scenes, not an adult married mother of two.

  13. Prince O' Tea on 25 July 2012, 20:09 said:

    I do know a few people who go on the pill because of irregular periods, but I’m just pointing out that I wouldn’t put it past James to have her sweet, never-been-kissed, innocent, virginal heroine be on the pill just in case she suddenly met the man she wanted to deflower her, rather then for medical reasons.

    And I agree with you. It’s like reading a hardcore yaoi fanfiction written by a 14 year old virgin girl from the suburbs. At least in that case, the girl has the excuse of being too young/virginal/heterosexual to have any idea about hardcore buttsecks works and how to write well (i.e. how to write a sex scene that doesn’t have your reader cringe/break out laughing) James has no such excuse.

  14. Prince O' Tea on 25 July 2012, 20:12 said:

    Oh and Fireshark, that picture is fantastic. But can you draw Ana’s eyes boiling out of her head, and her teeth exploding? According to a fairly dubious documentary I watched many, many years ago, that’s what happened to everyone who took shelter on the beaches at Herculaneum and got a facefull of pyroclastic flow.

  15. Fireshark on 25 July 2012, 21:30 said:

    If you insist.

  16. Prince O' Tea on 25 July 2012, 21:33 said:

    Put your pen down. You have achieved perfection.

  17. swenson on 25 July 2012, 22:03 said:

    @Minoan Ferret – thanks, that’s the one I was thinking of, especially her third point in that article.

  18. OrganicLead on 26 July 2012, 20:55 said:

    Best 50 Shades reading:

    I’d have challenge that with this. (If only they could get him to read an entire chapter or the whole book.)
    Gilbert Gottfried Reads Fifty Shades of Grey

  19. ThaArmada on 27 July 2012, 00:38 said:

    must stop laughing.

  20. Prince O' Tea on 27 July 2012, 10:28 said:

    Is it bad that I can’t stop laughing at the blurb, which I just looked up?

    Anastasia’s “Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit” Wit? She has the cutting retorts of a stroppy 14 year old girl whose just found out her favourite boyband has been insulted on fanpop. As for “independent spirit”, the girl probably needs someone to physically open her eyes for her in the morning, and to remind her that if you don’t blink, your eyes will start to feel dry and yucky.

  21. VikingBoyBilly on 29 July 2012, 09:54 said:

    Nostalgia Critic was reading this in one of his latest review. It shall be known that the NC himself is a lurker of ImpishIdea =)

  22. swenson on 29 July 2012, 15:02 said:

    He… he is?!

    …I need to find this review now.

  23. Prince O'Tea on 29 July 2012, 19:01 said:

    If he mentions Maradonia, I will squee my pants.

  24. ThaArmada on 29 July 2012, 22:51 said:

    Now that is some inspiring news

  25. VikingBoyBilly on 30 July 2012, 12:15 said:

    It’s his Baby Geniuses 2 review. He has a physical copy of the book. It is HUGE. We’re only on chapter 5 now and only just started getting into the sex. There’s hundreds of pages left and all of it is BDSM porn. That’s what we have to look forward to in this spork. Maradonia was long and bad, but at least it was unpredictable.

  26. VikingBoyBilly on 30 July 2012, 12:16 said:

    Err I mean chapter 8. Sporks are not chapters.

  27. Tim on 30 July 2012, 14:02 said:

    The entire book is a secret BDSM technique where a woman takes a dump all over a typewriter and then you have to read it.

    It’s sick, I tells ya.

  28. Prince O' Tea on 31 July 2012, 19:51 said:

    I went to go get chips yesterday, and I browsed the problems page in the paper there. Guess what? One woman was saying that after reading 50 Shades, she wanted to leave her husband to find a real life Christian Grey.

    I am praying that the story is a fake… but the fact that this book exists in the first place and is a bestseller has already destroyed much of my faith in the human species. At the very least, it’s a good thing she has a thing for bondage, since she needs 50 shades of sense smacked into her.

  29. Tim on 31 July 2012, 21:10 said:

    You have to remember that the people featured in problem pages are the sort of people who write in to problem pages.

  30. Prince O' Tea on 1 August 2012, 09:40 said:

    Well there’s cheating on your girlfriend with a transexual and getting knocked up by your husband’s boss at work, but wanting to divorce your husband of ten years because you want to find a real live version of the handsome borderline predator douchebag hero of a crappily written fanfiction is a new level of fail.

  31. Nate Winchester on 13 August 2012, 16:59 said:

    I’d have challenge that with this. (If only they could get him to read an entire chapter or the whole book.)
    Gilbert Gottfried Reads Fifty Shades of Grey

    I would also vote for Guru reading it. (it’s like… 5, 20 min mark)