Chapter Two
Part of me doesn’t want to spend this spork pointing out the obvious similarities between this and Twilight, because obviously there are similarities, this is Twilight fanfiction! On the other hand, I think that if someone was going to write fanfiction and then change everything and re-release it as an original novel, they shouldn’t. But, if they did, they should at least make some effort to…I dunno, make it their own?
So I will.
Anastasia stumbles once on her way outside, because, clumsy. She thinks about how no man has ever affected her the way Grey does. Well. Naturally.
As she heads home, she thinks about things, and how attractive and amazingly awesome he is, but then she thinks through the negative qualities. He’s arrogant, and autocratic, and cold. Really, James. Autocratic?
And this might just be me, but I’m actually getting Pride and Prejudice vibes here.
Anastasia is annoyed for a little bit, but eventually she calms down and turns on indie rock music, presumably because that’s the soundtrack to every Twilight movie, and then she hits the accelerator.
As I hit Interstate 5, I realize I can drive as fast as I want (page 18).
If you want a ticket, that is. It’s crawling with cops.
When she gets home, Kate immediately starts asking Anastasia about what happened, which annoys her because it’s an inquisition. Well, to be fair, this interview was supposedly a big deal, I would expect to be quizzed by the roommate who actually sent you on the trip. Anyway, Anastasia complains that Kate didn’t give her a basic bio on Grey.
Kate clamps a hand to her mouth. “Jeez, Ana, I’m sorry – I didn’t think.” (page 19)
Kate is a terrible reporter.
Anastasia gives her the recorder and heads off to her shift at Clayton’s, the hardware store where she works. Later, when she gets home, Kate continues to ask her questions, which make Anastasia nervous.
I realize I’m biting my lip (page 20).
Right.
Kate keeps quizzing her, and we learn that Anastasia has never been interested in a man before, which, color me shocked. Anastasia is pissed that she had to ask whether he was gay:
“I was mortified, and he was pissed to be asked, too.” (page 21)
Nobody uses ‘mortified’, James.
We skip ahead and learn that Anastasia’s mother is kind of a flake, which is totally unlike Bella’s mom. Plus, Anastasia’s mother lives in Georgia, while Bella’s mom lives in Florida. Completely different.
She then calls her stepdad, who she considers her dad, who is nothing like Bella Swan’s father, because he watches soccer on TV, instead of baseball, and likes bowling and fishing, whereas Bella’s dad just likes fishing, and he’s not very talkative, which…well, that’s exactly like Bella’s dad. But he’s a carpenter, not a cop, so totally different.
The next day her friend Jose shows up. I’m not sure if Jose is supposed to be Mike or Jacob in this series, or maybe a conglomeration of the two. He’s Anastasia’s friend who wants to fuck her but she considers him a friend.
We discover that Anastasia actually has never had a boyfriend before, or really has anyone that she’s been interested in. Because she’s waiting for True Love. Mr. Right. She’s waiting for her Edward, and by god, she’s going to get him.
While she’s waiting she looks at Jose who is tall, dark, and very muscular, so I guess he’s Jacob.
We cut forward again. She’s working at Clayton’s and is very busy and suddenly…she looks up…and there is Christian Grey.
Heart failure (page 24).
Because he’s really hot.
His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel… or something (page 25).
Subtle.
Anastasia, naturally, is not handling this well. Her mouth has fallen open, her brain has disengaged, her heart is pounding, she’s blushing…essentially everything that happens to young women when the man of their dreams pops around. Although for some reason the same thing never happens to the man when the woman of his dreams is sitting there, because he’s always impossibly cool, collected, and in control.
He’s not merely good-looking – he’s the epitome of male beauty (page 25).
But of course.
He needs some help finding things. First, cable ties. As they go, Anastasia wonders why he is there.
And from a tiny, underused part of my brain – probably concealed at the base of my medulla oblongata near where my subconscious dwells – comes the thought: He’s here to see you. No way! I dismiss it immediately. Why would this beautiful, powerful, urbane man want to see me? (page 26)
I think all of us have had a moment where a thought came to mind and we were reminded that the thought must have come from the medulla oblongata where our subconscious dwells.
Next, Grey wants some masking tape, so they fetch that, and then five yards of rope. Something tells me that Grey may have a rather kinky use for these materials. Anastasia, on the other hand, is far too busy trying not to stare at the perfection before her.
They chat and she explains that she’s into books – mostly classic and British literature. I assume she probably has a thing for Romeo and Juliet, because who doesn’t have a thing for that classic story of true love?
He asks her if she recommends anything else, so she recommends coveralls so he doesn’t ruin his clothing, and at that he points out he could just take his pants off, so she blushes, but then Grey moves the conversation over to the article. Kate, as it happens, wishes that she had some photographs, and Grey says that he’ll be around the next day and he’s totally willing to do a photoshoot. He gives her his card. They’re interrupted by Paul Clayton, who is home from Princeton, and comes up to give Anastasia a hug. It’s awkward. Grey watches them, not particularly pleased that someone is putting their hands on his property. At least, that’s the vibe I’m getting.
Anastasia rings him up, and the total charge is forty-three dollars. Just like all the times you’ve bought shit and the total was exactly on the dollar.
We get some great quotes:
His tongue caresses my name (page 31).
“Oh – and Anastasia, I’m glad Miss Kavanaugh couldn’t do the interview.” He smiles, then strides with renewed purpose out of the store, slinging the plastic bag over his shoulder, leaving me a quivering mass of raging female hormones (page 31).
Okay – I like him. There, I’ve admitted it to myself. I cannot hide from my feelings anymore. I’ve never felt like this before. I find him attractive, very attractive. But it’s a lots cause, I know, and I sigh in bittersweet regret (page 31).
Because it was just a coincidence and of course Grey had no ulterior motives coming here.
Anastasia is ecstatic, of course, because now she gets to arrange a photoshoot and then she gets to ogle him during the photoshoot, which is very romantic.
TheArmada on 14 June 2012, 01:11 said:
You know, between this and reading Dragon Quill’s blog I have reached a point where the moment I hear ‘I’ in a book’s narration I enter blind rage mode. Rant incoming.
Lets Go: First off, the British. You are in the far west, as far from Englan as you can get int eh lower 48. (Yes I know Washington and ORegon were once owned by England, but weren’t they owned by Russia first? I don’t hear any Russian being spoken.) The author is british and doesn’t seem to care enough about her story to include authentic dialogue. And to keep going from there, about the dialog. It lets us know nothing of importance about the characters and is so inane that its seems to just be filler between drooling descriptions of Christian.
Second off there’s the characters themselves, and the plot they are in. They mean nothing to me, they are so shallow and stereotypical with the inexplicably rich young man and the silly college girls that I find them infuriating. They have no point but to oogle each other, and later int he book probably screw each other! It could be said that they fit smoothly into the plot, but that is because that like them, the plot is empty. It lacks in dramatic depth and exists solely to find ways to show off Christian. Its pointless. At least parts of the twilight series have a point and try for forward motion. This book gives us nothing to care about, no reason to read it, and all these problems are made worse by the awful writing.
Third off is the writing: Reading it is like one of those days where I’m having a massive migraine, except it doesn’t go away. The wording, the descriptions (especially the ones of Christian,) and the general flow are horrible. This is a book filled with words no one short of a harvard lit professor would use.
All in all this isn’t a book, this is porn. And as porn it belongs for free on the internet, not in a retail store where it can poison the minds of countless already damaged teenage twilight fans or further corrupt the minds of twimoms.
Rant complete. I apologize to any groups I have offended. It is 1AM right now, and i might regret this in the morning.
Pryotra on 14 June 2012, 07:17 said:
As if the twimoms need to me anymore corrupted then they are. At least Edward’s legal this time around.
This is not romantic. Food imagery is never, ever romantic. Food imagery just makes Anastasia sound like she’s looking at him like a piece of meat.
I know this is porn, but that doesn’t mean that everything needs to be sexed up!
Betty Cross on 14 June 2012, 07:29 said:
Or a piece of dark, melted, chocolate fudge.
Fireshark on 14 June 2012, 10:31 said:
I’ve never understood comparing voices to anything. How is a voice like melted chocolate? How? And the author of FSoG didn’t make that up either, because I know I’ve heard it before.
BlackStar on 14 June 2012, 12:33 said:
I’ve never understood comparing voices to anything. How is a voice like melted chocolate? How? And the author of FSoG didn’t make that up either, because I know I’ve heard it before.
Because obviously using the word chocolate instantly makes anything sexy. Or something. Really, it would have been a lot better to just say he had a smooth voice, rather than one that sounded like melted sweets.
Saying that it sounds like melted sweets just makes me think of either 1) his voice tasting good (which is impossible), 2) his voice smelling good (which is also impossible), or 3) his voice sounding like it was bubbling slightly and maybe sizzling if it’s gotten a bit burnt (which is what melted chocolate and caramel sound like, but not the imagery I think she was going for.)
Akroya on 14 June 2012, 13:26 said:
While I’ll say that I do say ‘mortified’ in real life (though never alongside ‘pissed’), I’m glad you’re doing this because it means I can get the gist of this atrocity without having properly read it.
Kyllorac on 14 June 2012, 14:20 said:
I thought that was sexy. Fresh meat, and all. Take your pick. He’s a choice cut.
gervasium on 14 June 2012, 14:23 said:
The reference to the medulla oblongata made my med student head explode with the stupid.
Apart from everything else mentioned.
Pryotra on 14 June 2012, 16:06 said:
Or it sounded like it was squirting or something. You know, like those squeezy containers that you can get?
You might just have converted me to vegetarianism.
Apep on 14 June 2012, 17:17 said:
While I’ve never said it, I would use it in my writing. Though not in dialogue.
Probably the biggest sign that the author isn’t American – soccer fans are the minority here.
Well, given that both Mike and Jacob want to screw Bella’s brains out (not that difficult, I imagine), and this guy has an ‘ethnic’ name, it should be obvious – he’s not!Jacob.
Told ya.
No one thinks like that. No one.
Because much like Bella Swan, Anastasia Steele is the ultimate authority on what is attractive.
Ew.
I doubt it. I wouldn’t.
I’m fairly certain that ‘eating your partner’ is actually a fetish. Also, ew.
Tim on 14 June 2012, 21:26 said:
It can work, it just requires that the comparison summon the right imagery. For example, if you talk about “the machine-gun rattle of the drill sergeant’s voice” the image reinforces the military theme and any comparisons fit the voice you’re describing (he’s speaking quickly, loudly, etc). The trouble here is chocolate doesn’t have strong associations with voice (maybe she’s hoping you associate melted chocolate with the tone of voice used in a chocolate commercial?), and isn’t “husky” either.
I guess it works better if you’re a sod-bored housewife who finds chocolate more innately sensual than the awkward fumble in the sack your husband manages every other month.
Requiem on 14 June 2012, 22:13 said:
“ Maradonia e-book”
Where can I read this super unique mind-blowing work of a literary masterpiece?
Jones on 15 June 2012, 02:27 said:
“… like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel”
Am I the only one who thinks that that is way too many words? I mean, ‘dark melted chocolate’, OK. Mental image in place. ‘Chocolate fudge’, slightly dubious as far as voice metaphors go but at least it’s a thing.
But it’s dark, melted, chocolate, fudgy, and caramel all at the same time? You could at least put commas in there.
Tim on 15 June 2012, 02:59 said:
Well, there she’s just being specific. And his car probably sounded like lion horse wolf gorilla.
Predatrix on 15 June 2012, 10:30 said:
No, no, it’s not because it’s fanfic that it’s crap. Trust me, there’s decent stuff out there free on the internet, perfectly well-written and some of it’s actually from profic authors who write the odd bits in their spare time. Good fanfic kicks along taking advantage of a shared frame of reference and possible visualisation from canon materials, but adding enough to make the writer’s ideas interesting.
It’s because it’s a crap piece of fanfic of a crap novel (Twilight) that takes some of the worst excesses of self-insertion to design its central character, making Bella/Anastasia have no real character of her own (because she just ‘stands in for’ the author/reader, and adding tripping over the furniture really doesn’t work to make her a well-rounded character), while Edward/Christian is a stalking creep.as soon as one takes out all the swooning. AFAIK (without having read/watched the whole thing), Twilight has only one really original idea, which is sparkly!vamps as opposed to burny!vamps, and it’s impossible to take it at all seriously. Most details of her character as far is I can see involve a) her saying no to Christian, b) his riding roughshod over her express wishes and c) it all turning out all right because he was right anyway. That’s why it’s so damn repetitive, because she’s going for a very specific dynamic that really irritates people who aren’t into it. Unfortunately the cumulative effect is that it’s all about her limits which keep getting randomly re-written.
Predatrix on 15 June 2012, 10:38 said:
The ‘medulla oblongata’ as the home of the subconscious is slightly hilarious. As soon as you mention a physical structure in the brain you’d better have some reason to (because people know a fair amount about how the damn thing works by now, at least the structures). My immediate response as somebody who knows nothing much about brain science was ‘neuroanatomy fail!’ — I had to quickly check where it was and what it did, which was pretty much what I’d guessed: it’s busy keeping you breathing and doesn’t have a thing to do with emotion or conscious thought. So if people who’ve read a few layperson-style brain books or watched a few docos (or House M.D. or something) can think WTF, and people who couldn’t care less about brain structures…couldn’t care less, then it’s serving no purpose apart from unsuccessfully trying to make the author seem cleverer than she actually is.
According to the other Fifty Shades sporking I read before this (because I’d rather read a funny sporking than bad source-text), author has a bad habit of going on about the character’s subconsious or inner goddess or whatever popping up in the background to think/feel the opposite to what Anastasia herself is thinking/feeling. This is probably really annoying.
swenson on 15 June 2012, 11:31 said:
I loled. That was pretty good.
Apep on 15 June 2012, 11:39 said:
This has to be a thing. And if it’s not, it should be.
swenson on 15 June 2012, 12:47 said:
So today I’m on Amazon, looking at a Game of Thrones cookbook, of all things, and I happen to scroll down to the bottom of the page and see…
…this.
I’m on my work computer, so I wasn’t logged in and, in fact, I’m pretty sure I’d never been to Amazon before on it. So that means that this probably is one of the best-selling series right now.
GAH.
Tim on 15 June 2012, 18:23 said:
Currently they’re 1, 2 and 3 on Amazon’s bestseller list. That’s on .com and .co.uk.
Pryotra on 15 June 2012, 18:56 said:
Now there’s a reason to go cry in Emo Corner and grow mushrooms.
Tim on 16 June 2012, 04:24 said:
Thinking about it, James is probably confusing an interstate with an autobahn (where that statement would basically be true). I guess she researched enough to know not to call it a motorway and was all researched out.
Pnikkis on 19 June 2012, 14:39 said:
From now on I imagine Christian looking and sounding like Judge Fudge from Drawn Together: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atUmmGV33XE
Prince O'Tea on 1 July 2012, 13:42 said:
Oh god. It’s sad enough when fifteen year old slash authors write like this, but surely you’d think a married woman with two sons would have a bit more… I don’t know. Some idea of what’s sexy and what’s unintentionally hilarious?
I mean seriously, it’s about as erotic as unblocking a sink.
Pryotra on 13 July 2012, 20:01 said:
Just wait until the torture porn. From what I’ve heard, a cross between disturbing and really really boring.
Nate Winchester on 11 August 2012, 00:06 said:
How does anyone tell the difference?
This just bugs me about a lot of romances. Namely, that someone who is that good looking will settle for the protagonist. At least with Twilight (omg, I’m using TW as a good example – kill me), there was some explanation with it (Bella is truly unique among all Edward has encountered) but here? Heck, why didn’t we see roommate kate express sadness that she won’t get to spend time with “teh hottest guy evar”? Or flip side, if Ana is supposed to be beautiful enough that even “teh hottest guy evar” notices her… she should have to deal with a lot more propositions from guys. Instead, this is all just the benefits of being liked by people, without actually trying to be likable.
Almost nothing bugs me more in modern literature than the attempt to transform technical writings into poetry. I wouldn’t even call it a feature of this age’s “scientism” but some weird “hyper-literalism” cranked up to 11.