I should probably begin by explaining that I really have no idea what I’m getting myself into. I haven’t read this book and I know very little about it. In fact, I really only know three things:
- It began as a piece of Twilight fanfiction.
- It has a lot of sexy scenes and BDSM.
- The BDSM community, if there is such a thing, absolutely hates it.
- The quality of writing, from the few excerpts I have seen, could be charitably described as “very bad.”
Okay, four things.
Typically, when I spork something, I don’t read ahead – I read and spork simultaneously, which I think keeps the chapter fresh, and also allows me to make predictions and to experience the novel for the very first time. I’ll be doing the same for this work of art.
The dedication page reads: For Niall, the master of my universe. Niall is the name of James’ husband, which is simultaneously sweet, and reveals quite a bit about the author’s fantasies.
Incidentally, James has admitted that a lot of the contents of this book are her fantasies, which is just great. At least she’s being honest.
Chapter One
We begin with our heroine who is looking into the mirror trying to tame her ‘unruly hair’. And, like most people do when they look into the mirror, she describes herself to us:
I roll my eyes in exasperation and gaze at the pale, brown-haired girl with blue eyes too big for her face staring back at me, and give up. (page 3).
Okay, so she doesn’t think of herself as being very attractive. Bella Swan, anyone?
Oh yeah – this book is written in first person present tense. I don’t have a problem with first person – I hate writing in first person, but I have enjoyed plenty of books written that way. I do cordially dislike present tense, but I’m open-minded. Maybe the present tense will make the scenes of erotica all the more real.
I just shuddered.
We learn that our as yet unnamed main character is a student and finals are next week. Her roommate, named Kate, is the editor of the student newspaper. After nine months, Kate managed to secure an interview with some “mega-industrial tycoon” in Seattle. Apparently he’s a benefactor of their university, which I guess explains why he’s willing to give a student newspaper an interview.
But….(coincidence alert) Kate is extremely sick, and so now our heroine has to drive 165 miles to Seattle to do the interview for her. Holy fuck. 165 miles. Okay. Time out. You do realize there’s this incredible new invention that has actually been around for a few years? It’s called a telephone. And contrary to what TV will have you believe, reporters frequently conduct telephone interviews – very commonly, when their subjects live 165 miles away.
Anyway, Kate has given our heroine her voice recorder and a list of questions to ask. So really, the heroine is being given a task that a well-trained parrot would be capable of. Why is Kate sending her? Doing an interview is a lot more complicated than just reading a list of questions, and I know this because I’ve worked as a reporter.
Of course, if it had taken me nine months to score an interview, I don’t care how sick I was, I’d make that damn interview, unless I was actively in the process of shooting liquid from my body, from one end or the other. And, if I wasn’t able to make it, I’d send another reporter, not my fucking roommate.
Still. James needs to get our heroine and this CEO together. So. She sets off from Vancouver, driving Kate’s car, and arrives. It’s a big shiny intimidating building. As she gets inside, she introduces herself as…Anastasia Steele. What a unique name. Almost as unique as ‘Isabella’.
The elevator whisks me at terminal velocity to the twentieth floor (page 5).
I don’t think you know what terminal velocity means.
She gets up top and chills out while a couple of blonde underlings get her a glass of ice water and she waits for Grey to be available. This sequence isn’t badly written, actually, as we get a good sense of Anastasia’s nervousness.
After a bit, the door opens and an attractive black man leaves.
“Mr. Grey will see you now, Miss Steele. Do go through,” Blonde Number Two says (page 7).
Sorry, James, but over here in America, we don’t use the word “do” in that way. I understand it’s hard to write for characters from a different country, but maybe you could set your story in England, rather than the Pacific Northwest. Especially since it’s only set in the Pacific Northwest because this was originally Twilight fanfiction.
Alternately, have your editor look for and excise that shit. That’s part of their job.
Anastasia goes inside and immediately trips and falls on her hands and knees. She’s clumsy! What a Bella Swan trait!
Christian Grey offers her his hand. He’s very young, and very attractive.
In a daze, I place my hand in his and we shake. As our fingers touch, I feel an odd exhilarating shiver run through me (page 8).
Romance!
Anastasia explains that Kate was indisposed so she came instead. They go over to the couch and chairs to sit down, and she admires the décor.
Apart from the paintings, the rest of the office is cold, clean, and clinical. I wonder if it reflects the personality of the Adonis who sinks gracefully into one of the white leather chairs opposite me (page 8).
Adonis. Isn’t that Meyer’s favorite adjective for Edward?
She sets up the recorder, which causes her some trouble, because she’s so nervous. Fair enough. I actually really don’t mind most of the writing so far. It’s not exactly what I would call ‘good’, but we do get a nice sense of Anastasia’s nervousness, which is perfectly natural during this type of situation.
The interview begins, and she asks him about his success. Grey explains he’s a people person:
“Business is all about people, Miss Steele, and I’m very good at judging people. I know how they tick, what makes them flourish, what inspires them, and how to incentivize them.” (page 10)
Nobody uses that word. Incentivize? Really, James? Really?
“I make decisions based on logic and facts. I have a natural gut instinct that can spot and nurture a good solid idea and good people.” (page 10)
Maybe this is just me, but logic and facts and gut instincts are not the same thing.
“Maybe you’re just lucky.” This isn’t on Kate’s list – but he’s so arrogant (page 10).
Hmmm…sorry, but I don’t agree. True, Grey did point out some things that he was good at, but ultimately, what he just said was that he’s good at hiring and motivating good people. Opinions may differ on whether that statement is arrogant, but what he is saying is that the reason his company is a success is because of the people who work for him, which is pretty much the complete opposite of arrogance.
Grey explains he has the right people working for him and he knows how to direct their energies. So Anastasia calls him a control freak. Right. So a boss directing his employees on how to make his company succeed is a control freak. That makes total sense.
Anastasia is kind of a bitch.
Why does he have such an unnerving effect on me? His overwhelming good looks maybe? The way his eyes blaze at me? The way he strokes his index finger against his lower lip? I wish he’d stop doing that (page 10).
The fact that he’s a vampire?
He talks about his power, and then we get this exchange:
“Don’t you have a board to answer to?” I ask, disgusted.
“I own my company. I don’t have to answer to a board.” (page 11)
Hmmm. I distinctly recall James mentioning that his company was incorporated. I don’t know a lot about corporations, but I’m pretty sure all of them have a board of directors.
Blah blah, we get a few more questions, and Grey explains the reason he gave the interview was because Kate wouldn’t stop pestering him.
That’s why I’m sitting here squirming uncomfortably under his penetrating gaze, when should be studying for my exams (page 12).
- What is it with authors who use ‘penetrating’ so often?
- It’s called ‘finals’, James. In a pinch, ‘tests’. We don’t use ‘exams’ over here in the uncultured, backwater United States.
We get another page and a half of questioning that isn’t remotely interesting, and then Anastasia asks him if he’s gay. Because it’s on the list of questions. What the fuck is Kate, and by extension Anastasia’s, problems? I don’t care who you are interviewing, randomly asking someone about their sexual orientation or identity is not okay – especially not in this context.
Grey realizes she’s just reading the questions, and Anastasia explains she doesn’t even work at the paper. Wow. She doesn’t even have a bit of reporting experience. Kate is an appallingly bad reporter.
One of Grey’s underlings pops in and says he has another meeting in two minutes, but Grey informs the underling to cancel his next meeting because he’s not finished. Clearly, Anastasia is just too beguiling.
Grey starts asking questions. He continues to be attractive, and Anastasia swallows for the 4th or 5th time this chapter. We get another mention of his penetrating gaze, which is special, and then Grey mentions they have an excellent internship program. Anastasia is confused because she’s not sure if he is offering her a job.
The interview ends and Anastasia packs her stuff up. Grey’s gaze is stern and authoritative, his eyes narrow, he’s polite, he’s voice could be a challenge or a threat…we really don’t know. What we do know is that she is paying an awful lot of attention to it. I wonder of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey will hook up before this book ends?
Okay, I lied. I do know a little bit about what happens in this book.
Moving with lithe athletic grace to the door, he opens it wide (page 15).
Grey is so awesome.
Outside, the blonde underling fetches her jacket, and Grey helps her put it on.
Grey places his hands for a moment on my shoulders. I gasp at the contact (page 16).
As would anyone, I think.
He waits with her, at the elevator. Finally, it arrives, and she gets aboard..
He really is very, very good-looking (page 16).
Naturally.
And…chapter ends.
To recap: Anastasia is a judgmental bitch, Christian Grey is a young, rich, and ridiculously attractive man, and James doesn’t know how to write American characters.
Betty Cross on 6 June 2012, 08:43 said:
Forty-odd years ago when I was a student, we called them “final exams” or “exams” for short. And yes, I’m an American. (Atlanta, Georgia counts as part of America.) Somehow, in this country at least, it later got shortened to “finals.”
swenson on 6 June 2012, 08:48 said:
You might be surprised. I’ve heard similar things come out of the mouths of the “higher-ups” at the company where I work. There’s a phrase for that kind of talking, I can’t quite recall it, but the first word starts with a B and the second one starts with an S…
Despite that, it does seem like an odd word choice given the context. He’s not giving a business mission statement, he’s just talking about himself.
Also, I hate to say this, but at least in Michigan, we do talk about “exams” sometimes…
Regardless, still rather painful writing, and I join you in disliking Anastasia already. I am so excited for this…
Betty Cross on 6 June 2012, 09:55 said:
It makes no sense for the editor of the school paper to assign someone who’s not a reporter to do such an important interview. There’s no reason why Anastasia can’t be a journlism major and a reporter for the school paper too, as well as the editor’s roommate. It would have taken about 1 sentence in the 1st chapter to establish that.
And Rorschach’s right. A face-to-face interview probably wouldn’t happen if the school and the corporate headquarters were 165 miles apart. If they were in the same city it would make more sense, especially if pictures were wanted too.
BlackStar on 6 June 2012, 11:46 said:
That there is quality writing.
This whole interview thing is just inane. There’s no reason for it except a poor excuse to get Anastasia near Grey. James could at least have made it vaguely plausible by making Anastasia a fellow reporter or something.
NinjaCat on 6 June 2012, 11:51 said:
You know what? I think that this is the book one of my friends was trying to get me to read. She was all mad because it was taken off fanfiction, and then when it was published, she said I should read it, because it was the best book ever. Yeah, pretty sure that this is the one.
…
I’m so glad I didn’t read it. But now I have a spork to look forward to! Yay sporks!
swenson on 6 June 2012, 12:27 said:
All these remarks about the interview just made me think—why is there this other friend to begin with? Why couldn’t it be Anastasia who was the reporter who’d been begging for weeks to get the interview? Does the “not supposed to be there and doesn’t quite know what she’s doing” angle actually add all that much to the story? And does this sick friend have any further significance in the story, or was she just there to get Anastasia and What’s-his-face in the same room?
Danielle on 6 June 2012, 14:13 said:
Here in the Pacific Northwest, they’re “finals.” The teacher might mention a “final exam,” but students call them “finals.” I can already tell that James has never been to America, let alone the Pacific Northwest.
Also, “penetrating gaze”? Seriously?
And why did James set up the meeting the way she did? Why didn’t she just make Anastasia the junior reporter? It would have made more sense. Speaking of interviews, why didn’t Kate just conduct it over the phone? I’ve conducted phone interviews with someone who lives just across town. It’s far more convenient than driving twenty miles because it saves on gas, time, and everything else.
Good Gandhi this book is stupid.
swenson on 6 June 2012, 16:27 said:
Ah, OK. I figured it may be different in separate parts of the country.
Minoan Ferret on 6 June 2012, 16:45 said:
How in Astrodoulos’ great name did this even get published, let alone so damn popular? The Sue-iest Sue this side of Bella Swan, mirror scene to describe looks, pointless LOLclumsy, fanfiction quality writing…
Danielle on 6 June 2012, 16:57 said:
And that right there is why you shouldn’t write stories about a country you haven’t at least visited. I mean, for fanfiction it’s sort of okay, but for published works it should be a big no-no. The reason for it is that you can’t possibly absorb all of the little cultural differences simply through research.
Case in point: the Pacific Northwest vs. the Southwest. It doesn’t seem like there would be much of a difference, other than in temperature. Seattle is about the size of Tucson, so you’d figure that they talk the same, act the same, and have the same values. Not so. Seattle, despite being a big city, isn’t nearly as open as Tucson. It’s a lot harder to make friends there, and everyone usually seems to be in a bad mood. To generalize, they’re a bunch of pessimistic hipsters who all stand around and sip coffee. The reason for this is that most everyone who lives there has always lived there, or they moved from somewhere else in the Northwest (usually Spokane) to find a better job. While they might have found a job in Seattle, they also found a high cost of living and a city where it’s almost always raining or cloudy, which makes it hard to be optimistic.
Tucson, on the other hand, is far more friendly. If you stop for coffee and want to chat with a bunch of random strangers, they’ll chat with you. Everyone seems more optimistic—euphoric, even—and willing to find new friends, try new things, even though they live in the desert, surrounded by rattlesnakes and scorpions and other things that want you dead. This is partly because almost everyone who lives in Tucson moved there from out of state, and so they all understand what it’s like to be new in town. There are a lot of retirees, who contribute to the more laid-back attitude. The sun is always shining, which makes it easy to have a positive outlook on life.
Now, there’s no way you could get that through research alone. You couldn’t possibly pick up on the slang or inside jokes of either region. You’d end up getting it wrong, if you never bothered to visit.
Betty Cross on 6 June 2012, 21:17 said:
That’s one of the things writing teachers are talking about when they say, “Write about what you know.”
Pryotra on 6 June 2012, 21:18 said:
Well, you do know that Smith didn’t actually change anything other than the names in her Masters of the Universe fic right? Seriously, if you read the fic, it would have been just the same, only with Bella, Edward, Jessica and such. She didn’t even bother to clean up the quality.
What we’ve got here is garbage that because it got so many reviews, the publishers decided to make a quick buck.
Fireshark on 6 June 2012, 22:02 said:
The worst thing about this book is that there are two sequels. Who would invest that much time in writing this tripe?
Kyllorac on 6 June 2012, 23:48 said:
I’ve heard coughself-importantjackassescough people use that word before, and it would make sense for an all-important CEO to use it with how pretentious it is.
So was Bella.
It depends on the type and size of the corporation. For some, particularly the smaller ones with few employees and a single shareholder, the owner is the entire board.
And to chime in on the “exams” versus “finals” thing, where I live, both are used with “exams” the more general case, and “finals” more specific. Any non-standardized tests from the high-school level and above are referred to as exams, including finals and midterms, though you’d call them finals and midterms if you wanted to be more specific.
Then again, I live over near New England, so. Completely opposite side of the country.
Minoan Ferret on 7 June 2012, 03:52 said:
So, for whatever reason, Edward in the original was this big corporate hotshot with a penchant for BDSM? And Bella was… exactly the same but a uni student (how did that happen). We have now entered… the Twilight Zone.
It looks like there may be hope for my own Twilight coprophilia fanfiction. Well, Twilight + fetish = bestseller, yes?
Pryotra on 7 June 2012, 20:17 said:
Au!Twilight + fetish = bestseller, apparently. I suppose it makes sense since all Twilight was was a big mass of SMeyer’s fetishes all rolled into one series.
Sweguy on 7 June 2012, 21:41 said:
Moving with lithe athletic grace to the door, he opens it wide (page 15).
All I can think of is a human pretending to be a peacock or something similar fabulicious strolling towards the door. I’m gonna enjoy this sporking :> Btw, how do you put a text in a centered yellow box like you do in all articles?
swenson on 7 June 2012, 21:45 said:
@Sweguy – put “bq.”, a space, and then the rest of your comment. Like this:
Licht on 7 June 2012, 23:40 said:
Thanks, Rorschach. I’ve been looking forward to this. May you spork well and stay sane.
If Twilight was already a “big mass of SMeyer’s fetishes all rolled into one series” wouldn’t that make Fifty Shades of Grey the fetishes of fetishes? And if someone writes a fanfiction of it… It’s like the man painting a picture of a man painting a picture of a man…
I don’t think that’s exactly what they thought of when teaching me about how a piece of literature always converses with other pieces of literature, but it illustrates the How Please Not To Do It quite well.
Sweguy on 8 June 2012, 07:55 said:
Muahaha, it works! I feel like the Master of the universe now.
Danielle on 8 June 2012, 11:45 said:
Please, please don’t write a fanfic about it. A fetishfic about the internet would be gross, not to mention really weird.
Then again, it would probably get lots of reviews….
Pryotra on 8 June 2012, 13:17 said:
shudder
Then again…I’ve seen worse…
Danielle on 8 June 2012, 13:53 said:
No kidding. Protip: If a Harry Potter fanfic has an odd pairing (Draco/ Hermione, Draco/ Harry, Draco/ Ginny, Draco/ Voldemort, Draco/ Lucius….heck, if it’s anyone but Draco/ Pansy or Draco/ Astoria) and it’s rated M, just stay away. Toss some holy water on the computer and back away slowly.
This goes double for any (ANY) T or M-rated Phineas and Ferb shipping fic.
Pryotra on 8 June 2012, 15:58 said:
Unless it’s crack. Like the Snape/Hermione fanfic that comprises of: ‘They Banged. The End.’ Then it can be fun.
Oh, and avoid MPreg. You’ll be scared for life if you don’t.
I still can’t read slash…
Danielle on 8 June 2012, 17:05 said:
Okay. That sounds amazing. XD
shudders I stay far, far away from any pregnancy story that doesn’t involve a woman….
Me neither. The minute I found out “slash” was fanfic-speak for “badly written melodramatic gay porn,” I stayed far away.
And another word to the wise: If a story says “Fred/George” on it, the author is NOT letting you know that both twins will appear in the story. She is most certainly letting you know about something much darker and horrifying—more horrifying than the worst Lucius/Dobby Mpreg story you can conceive. RUN FORREST RUN. You do NOT want to see the unholy terrors that the story contains.
Pryotra on 8 June 2012, 21:06 said:
Ok, that’s just a new level of Squick. I’m not sure if the Lucius/Dobby MPreg or the Fred/George Twincest is worse though. Excuse me while I go for some brain bleach.
Though I did see a Harry/James thing once. That was…creepy.
So, as what have we learned from this: fanfic should never ever be published straight. If it were not contained on the internet, it would unleash such a wave of unholy power that would leave the world as a wreck.
Oh, and don’t think that het is safe. Het writers have some…odd…tastes sometimes too. Like Harry/Molly Weasley (it exists) enough said.
Danielle on 9 June 2012, 00:38 said:
0.o
o.0
….
Still doesn’t make any sense.
Then again, some het shippers want to go for “unusual” pairings, so they go through the archives, see that nobody’s slapped those two characters together before, and viola! The first ever Seamus/Fleur fic! (She’ll follow it up with a sequel where Fleur realizes she’d be happier with Norbert because hey—nobody’s done that before!)
Fireshark on 9 June 2012, 02:00 said:
If all the names in My Immortal got changed and the grammar got fixed up, I bet FSoG’s publisher would take it.
swenson on 9 June 2012, 17:50 said:
I… really want to try doing that now. It would just be so hilarious.
Sweguy on 10 June 2012, 13:59 said:
Ah, My Immortal <3 so many sweet memories I have with that piece of literature…
By the way, something that I would find interesting to read is exactly WHY stories like these get so much attention and even published. I know it wouldn’t be sporking to analyze why climacteric women and pre-puberty girls are drawn to this shit, like flies to a dung-pile. But if one get the use of Mary Sue-ness and stupid-dominaiting-hunk-from-a-girls-wet-dream (because no matter how much we despise those ingredients, clearly there’s a demand for it in the market) into the context it could be quite an interesting article. Just saying.
I hope you understand what I’m trying to get across, despite English not being my main language.
Pryotra on 11 June 2012, 09:00 said:
Let’s see, Mary Sue heroine, check.
No plot, check.
Pointless love triangle, check.
Friends only there to make the MS heroine look good, check.
Supposedly sexy jerkoff hero, check.
I’d say we’ve got a bestseller!
VikingBoyBilly on 12 June 2012, 20:40 said:
The Exams vs Tests thing looks like nitpicking to me. Here in New England we’re used to calling them ‘Midterm Exams’ or ‘Final Exams.’ It’s never just ‘exams’ though.
Tim on 16 June 2012, 03:59 said:
Naw, you see what she forgets to tell you is this is the new Impractico 2000 elevator which is dropped out of a plane 18,000 feet above the building. It’s the wave of the future.
Tim on 16 June 2012, 04:06 said:
Right about now you’d be better off going for one of the other big publishers, they’re all scrambling to jump on the bandwagon before the crappy erotica bubble bursts. Now is a good time to be a writer of terrible sexfics.
Perry Rhinitis on 19 June 2012, 04:30 said:
Anastasia should have said “He’s really, really, ridiculously good-looking”. Would’ve been much better, and it’s a Zoolander reference to boot! :D
Nate Winchester on 19 June 2012, 13:15 said:
Someone forgot their sarcasm quotes. =P
Ah young grasshopper, and that’s why you fail. EVERYONE knows that if you have a choice between the seasoned, experienced professional, and the god-mode mary sue, you ALWAYS pick the Sue.
There is one thing I’m grateful for this book series & Twilight: it has put to lie the idea that “only men are superficial” (or whatever). Now we see that all sexes and people can be just as shallow and superficial as all others.
[inappropriate laughter]
It’s female-oriented porn. What do you expect?
Dude! Spoiler warnings!
It’s also called “58% of Dilbert punchlines”. Use of those terms is actually one of the leading ways to distinguish between man and alien.
Seriously. I just… this wasted story and detail stuff bugs the &%#^@$ out of me.
No, it’s because THEY’RE ALL SURROUNDED BY DEATH AND SAVOR EACH SWEET MOMENT THAT THEY STILL DRAW BREATH! (aka Australia syndrome)
Prince O'Tea on 1 July 2012, 14:07 said:
“He really is very, very good-looking. (page 16)”
The only way this writing could get worse is if she threw in a “soooooo”. I know it’s fanfiction of fanfiction, but it’s like having every fanfiction.net cliche’ crammed into one writing style. It’s excruciating.
And I really can’t stand Anastasia Steele. If this interview is so important to her friend, why is she acting like a judgemental, pointlessly aggressive bitch? Why is she behaving so unprofessionally in an interview that means a lot to her friend, and sneaking her snotty little replies in? I never get authors who think they are making their female characters “strong” by making them have an attitude problem. There’s nothing charming or endearing about a male character who is constantly looking for excuses to be pissed off, so why is it “sassy” and “empowering” when a female character does it? At least Bella kept her bitchiness to herself.
Also, Anastasia Steele. Really? If that’s not a call girl name, I don’t know what is.
Alyssa on 6 September 2013, 12:32 said:
You know it’s funny how 50 Shades was published even though the manuscript has used the “mirror technique” A friend of mine told me in a forum that if a writer uses that technique, then their manuscript would be rejected by publishers. I don’t think publishers would even accept it. I’m surprised this one was accepted. Anyways, another friend told me that it’s okay to break the rules IF there is a reason to. She said that she used the mirror technique BUT it was well-written.
That’s why I decided not to use that. It’s hard to write in first person if you’re an amateur. However, I tried to avoid the mirror technique. I’m writing a novel in first person BUT others describe her appearance.
Rook on 28 March 2014, 22:47 said:
Pleaaase. There’s Ginny/Basilisk, Dumbledore/Squid/Goat or some other animal.
Internet is weird.
Juracan on 31 March 2014, 10:36 said:
I don’t… what the… WHAT?!
The Joker on 28 October 2014, 20:00 said:
Im listening my “Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia” music as i read all this 50 Shades crap…my girlfriend recommend me to skim through it…never said in what way. Sarcasm is awesome :D haha penetrating gaze…so stupid.