Zosime.
If you don’t remember her (I didn’t) she was a friend of Lady Rowan’s. She and Thea are at the pad of someone named Pallas. They’re all pleased to see each other and they all know why they’ve gathered there, which is nice. I don’t know why they are there. I have no idea why these characters exist.
That’s usually a bad sign.
They talk. We learn things:
- They should see Xanthippe
- The book has been awoken
- There needs to have been an heir
- There’s confusion about a bloodline?
Pallas explains she recently met a nice young chap and a pregnant girl named Harlow Grimm, which makes Thea spit out her tea. We learn that “Pallas” is also Master Smith from previously in the book. That might explain why I can’t keep track of anyone because they all keep changing names.
Pro tip: if you’re thinking about randomly changing the names of your characters throughout the story, don’t. If you think it’s really clever, still don’t. And if you absolutely HAVE to, you should make it abundantly clear to the reader exactly who the character is.
They talk some more about the eye color of random characters and then the scene ends. So that chapter was pointless. I didn’t learn anything, I didn’t gain a deeper understanding of the story.
Jafar.
“Good morning, beautiful.” The words slipped of my tongue like turpentine, earning me a glare of uncertain hate before breakfast (loc. 2852).
A) When do words slip off a tongue like turpentine? Does the author have experience drinking turpentine? 2) Why is the glare of hate uncertain? He raped Harlow, there’s nothing to be uncertain about.
They eat breakfast and Jafar pulls out a map. He suspects Elves live in the West because nobody else lives there, which doesn’t really make sense, but okay. They talk and it’s not really clear but they decide to head west. Harlow has a good question:
“Will you be able enough to protect the baby and I from all predators we may face, human or demon?”
“I would sacrifice myself a hundred times if only to save you but once.” (loc. 2865)
Sacrificing yourself doesn’t mean a whole lot if he can’t actually protect you. We have no evidence of Jafar being even remotely competent with any sort of weapon. Why would she trust him to be able to defend her while out in the wild? We already know there are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of this world.
Roswell.
He staggers along painfully and arrives at a cliff. It’s too wide to jump, unless he transforms. He tries to transform but he can’t. A disembodied voice yells at him and says obviously he can’t transform, since it’s a test of his mind and moral fiber. Apparently he’s being expected to moral fiber his way over a seventy-foot chasm.
The voice asks him if he wants to send a message to Harlow. Roswell is excited and launches into a paragraph full of gushing superlatives until the voice interrupts and tell him he has a three-word limit due to “inter-dimensional communications”. Okay, that’s legitimately funny. Roswell says “I will return”. The voice then explains that he has three more tasks and he has to pass two of them. A bridge of steel then appears over the chasm. O….kay. And how was that a test of his mind? Being able to come up with a three-word message for Harlow?
The All-Knowing.
Xanthippe is having bad dreams in his cave. He has an original copy of The Bible. An original copy? So…a King James? The Douay-Rheims translation? The one written by Jesus?
Xanthippe begins singing an Elvin ballad. If I read it out loud it sounds kinda like a cat ran across a keyboard. Observe (translations in parenthesis):
“Kobe defett, amm noten libere, (My ??? do not fret)
Sev tos uka, (I am here)
Tamme nec rekee. (You can bet)
Ne nec eaana macc fel teeda be fel cludee? (Are can listening to the beauty in the sky?)
Ne nec hetaana fel malodaa be fel fless? (Are can watching the ??? in the wind?)
Fel fuess nec lash a hoosh yammach velcera, (The gales can come and sweep us away)
Mame notter lashera, (But no matter)
Ho apet eral vuuce ne Hacet, teeb defett sev duelash puuttno. (So long as we are together, with ??? I become fatter)
Sev defett herkee herferlp. (I ??? thee ???)
Sev defett harkee yectt. (I ??? thee firm)
Sev defett harkee bebendde. (I ??? thee inflexible)
Sev defett harkee put. (I ??? thee fluid)
Sev defett harkee be fel vurel. (I ??? thee in the dark)
Sev defett harkee be fel veluminate. (I ??? thee in the light)
Hoo blub. (Under water)
Whoosh fel illes. (Over the mountain[s])
Notter lashera veew golle, (No matter our place)
So apet eral ere shuo tamme a sev.” (Ho [sic] long as there is you and I) (loc. 2976)
Note that in the text it’s just cat ran over keyboard. In the back of the book there’s an English-Elvish dictionary and an Elvish-English dictionary, which I used to translate it, which wasn’t hard, since Elvish doesn’t have its own sentence structure and grammatical rules, it’s literally just a word-for-word substitution with English because that is how languages work.
Originally when I was translating it I was growing frustrated because there was no translation for the word “defett” (hence the ???) so I decided to just assume it meant “fuck” which turned it from being a rather boring ballad to a hilariously obscene ballad. Afterwards, though, I did a search of my e-book and discovered that “defett” actually means “love”, which I couldn’t find because it was hidden in the L section of the Elvish-English dictionary. Odd. You’d think that for the Elvish-English section it would be under D for defett or that it would be under the L section in the English-Elvish section but that’s a no on both counts.
Also,
“Hoo blub.” (loc. 2976).
Awesome.
Darian.
He’s still tripping balls and we don’t learn anything. He might be trying to take a book. Or he might be tripping balls.
Roswell.
He wanders along until he finds a couple of doors and a frog. The frog explains that one door leads to the next trial and one leads to a horrible death. Roswell can ask only one question, but the frog always lies.
Roswell picks up the frog.
“Hey, only my girlfriend can touch me there,” he croaked (loc. 3035).
Great. Now I’m thinking of frog sex. Goddamnit, Breeanna.
Roswell opens the left door and throws the frog inside. A moment later there’s a loud explosion. Roswell decides to choose the other door. He goes inside and a pillar falls on his head. Then a voice says come to his chamber for his final task.
These tasks do not seem particularly hard. Couldn’t we at least have gotten something like this:
Harlow.
Harlow is now very pregnant, hair an inch or so longer, helping Jafar set up their camp. Suddenly she sees a letter that it’s appeared out of nowhere, the ink still fresh, addressed to her. She asks Jafar, who has no idea where it came from. Inside there are three words: “I will return.” She doesn’t know what it means but starts crying anyway, which makes sense because she’s pregnant. She then lies to Jafar and says it’s nothing, she must have picked it up in town. Jafar is upset because he can see right through her flimsy attempt at retconning fifteen seconds ago, and says that they’ve reached the stage where they could be truthful with each other. Which is fair, it’s not like one of them raped the other one.
Anyway, Harlow cries, and Jafar hugs and rocks her. Hooray!
Xanthippe.
He’s upset. He walks up the stairs from his cave and steps past the demolished boulder and stars at the first light that he’s seen in five thousand years. You might think that his eyes might take at least a few minutes to adjust but you’d be wrong. He spreads his angel wings and starts flying while searching for other angels. Eventually he finds Thea and Pallas, who explain that the book has been stolen. There are a few typos, and they head off to do something.
Harlow.
Jafar is hovering.
“Good morning, Harlow. How are you today? Are you well? Would you like something to eat or drink? You look cold. Would you care for my overcoat? How about I—” (loc. 3128).
It’s weird how radical this transformation has been, isn’t it? Without any inciting incident or any emotional breakthrough.
Harlow is hungry, so she grabs her bow. There’s a few missing words which makes for an incredibly confusing sentence, so that’s another few drinks. Then this:
My eyes flashed open in a split second I pulled an arrow while nearly simultaneously stinging it, pulling it back, and letting it fly from my fingertips (loc. 3139).
I have no idea what the fuck that means.
A turkey falls off a tree. Jafar goes to pull the arrow out of it and screams “Bitch!” because he’s blaming Harlow for some reason, and even though he’s repentant and Loves her now, he still calls her a bitch when he’s angry. Turns out the arrow severely burned his hand. Harlow grabs the arrow, because that’s a smart thing to do, but it’s cold to her touch. Okay, so Harlow has the ability to accidentally magically heat up arrows in flight even though there is really no benefit to doing this whatsoever, but they will only burn other people who touch them, not her?
Why?
They eat turkey and all is good. Suddenly four figures appear from the darkness. Jafar grabs a Katana and stands in front of her.
That’s . . . so heroic, I thought (loc. 3160).
He’s still a rapist.
Jafar threatens the strangers:
“Don’t come any closer. I am highly lethal.” (loc. 3165)
HAHAHAHHAHAHAH.
One of the strangers explains that they need Harlow’s help. She is the only who can defeat Avery-Oliver, whoever the fuck that is, before he destroys the world.
Harlow asks what happens if she refuses. Um…they kind of just said. HE DESTROYS THE FUCKING WORLD. You really shouldn’t be thinking about whether or not you’re going to refuse, you should be trying to determine whether you can trust their judgment on whether the world will really be destroyed. Priorities, people.
The man explains that a creature was released from his prison under the earth, who I take it is Xanthippe. Xanthippe, supposedly, will grant a wish to the blood of whoever freed him. Avery Oliver was the one who freed him, and Harlow is his descendant. Therefore, Harlow needs to wish the Fel Nerr Zu San Vech book of spells out of existence.
Wow. This is…amazing. We’re finally starting to figure out who the fuck all these characters are and what their endless prattlings were about. Sure, it doesn’t make sense. After all, if Avery Oliver is still alive (as he must be, since he is going to destroy the world) wouldn’t Xanthippe give the wish to him, rather than his descendant?
We also learn that the guy talking is married to a woman named Ever Pine, an elf, who is Harlow’s ancestor. Ever Pine is a queen, which means Harlow…is of noble blood.
Well. Of course. Normal people can’t accomplish jack shit. It all depends on who your parents were, that’s what makes you special.
Anyway, Harlow wants a wish. They agree. Harlow says she wants them to take her to the Elves. They agree. One of the strangers reveals herself as Master Smith, who asks about Roswell. Harlow explains that he’s dead, and a Dramatic Single Tear slips down her cheek.
Drinks: 35
Breeanna on 22 February 2014, 15:26 said:
“Great. Now I’m thinking of frog sex. Goddamnit, Breeanna”
YOUR WELCOME! <3 grins
No, but I cut the whole section with Roswell and I have to rework that cause it’s all going to go down MUCH differently.
Danielle on 22 February 2014, 16:57 said:
Protip: DO NOT read the following sentence at work.
Protip #2: If you insist upon reading that sentence at work, DO NOT go back and make the suggested substitutions. Your coworkers will think you are crazy.
Breeanna on 22 February 2014, 17:55 said:
@Danielle
What?
Danielle on 22 February 2014, 17:57 said:
I laughed so hard my coworkers thought I was crazy.
Breeanna on 22 February 2014, 18:14 said:
Wait never mind I missed that joke for a second. The ballad would indeed be the best thing ever if that was the case though. I’m kind of dying.
Emy on 22 February 2014, 21:23 said:
Uh…
…
… My cousin was asking to be inserted as a talking frog into the story I’m currently working on. Now.. I’ll never be able to unsee this in my head.
lilyWhite on 23 February 2014, 08:42 said:
Okay, this part make me laugh my backside off.
sanguine on 23 February 2014, 10:04 said:
I’m really confused… what is this story about?
BlackStar on 23 February 2014, 17:55 said:
@sanguine It’s about every fantasy trope in existence stuffed into one book. Hence the incoherent plot lines (yeah I actually have no idea what it’s about either. Someone help me understaaaaand)
Captain Raptor on 23 February 2014, 19:07 said:
Whatever you do, Breanna, please please PLEASE keep the scene where he throws the frog into the exploding room!
Tim on 23 February 2014, 19:10 said:
If the frog always lies, wouldn’t that make him unable to truthfully describe the terms of the riddle? That’s always the problem with the Knights and Knaves riddle when one of them describes it, if he isn’t the one telling the truth then the situation itself must be false.
Also, XKCD is not funny.
Tim on 23 February 2014, 19:14 said:
In fact, one of the quirks of the riddle is a Knave is unable to actually say he’s a Knave (he has to say he’s a Knight).
Hyacinth on 23 February 2014, 20:58 said:
Alright, this is all really cool, but are we going to point out that the frog part was kind of…plagiarized?
http://www.amazon.com/review/R24VWOCDCX1ILZ/ref=cm_cr_dp_cmt?ie=UTF8&ASIN=1477101330&nodeID=283155&store=books#wasThisHelpful
The actual scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGo31JR-iTI
Look, this is really great and all that Breeanna is here and supposedly accounting for her mistakes, but come on. You’ve got some explaining to do.
Rachel on 23 February 2014, 21:49 said:
Thank you, Master and Arbiter of What Is Humorous.
I’ll let Breeanna explain it herself, but my hypothesis is that she did the same thing I did when I was a fourteen-year-old with dreams of being a published novelist: saw bits from other works she adored and thought, “Ooh, that’d be perfect right here! I’ll just change it a bit and….viola!” I’m not saying it’s right, but when I was younger and more naive, the word “plagiarism” never even crossed my mind. The way I saw it, I was just using an ingredient I liked in my own work and hoping it would do the same magic. I grew out of it as I became a stronger writer and learned to trust my own ideas. The fact plagiarism is a pretty serious crime in writing circles helped cure me of it, too.
Asahel on 23 February 2014, 22:14 said:
Wow, yeah. Before watching it, I was thinking that maybe it would just involve a similar solution to the riddle (which could’ve been arrived at independently) and both involve frogs (which could be coincidence), but upon watching and noticing that it even had the “Hey, only my girlfriend can touch me there” remark, yeah… That goes beyond coincidence and even homage.
Ah well, time to sit back and see what the explanation is.
BlackStar on 23 February 2014, 23:28 said:
Did she at least bother to change a few words or was the entire scene in the book taken verbatim from that show/movie?
Breeanna on 24 February 2014, 00:30 said:
@Captain Raptor
Alas. I Cannot. as you see it is a smige…you know…similar to something else.
@EXPLANATION:
I did see it more of an ingredient that was a good way to put it. Definitely learned my lesson on that. I always looked to the idea from the youtube video called “Every thing is a Remix” and I saw it as something(at the time) as, well hey someone who liked that will hear it and laugh and be like “Aaaawww yea!” And I mean this book was published by the time I was 16…And honestly, I wrote that a LONG time after watching the show and didn’t think it was as close as it ended up being.
**hides in shame*
Like I said, not something I would ever try again. I was pretty young when I wrote that and loved it up to the publication but when I rewrite that part, it will be coming out and the whole riddles and after death thing will be…idk… better…embellished…just…better lol.
IM A SHITTY PERSON IM SO SORRY!
lol just…kill me now. haha.
I might have a more my own funny instead.
Tim on 24 February 2014, 01:04 said:
All in a day’s work, Passive-Aggressive Girl! Now, to the Unsupported Statements Mobile!
Rachel on 24 February 2014, 02:27 said:
Well, pardon me for contradicting you, He Whose Statements Are Always Correct.
Tim on 24 February 2014, 02:28 said:
You know if we keep doing this we’re both going to end up trapped in the next Maradonia book.
swenson on 24 February 2014, 10:53 said:
If it ever gets published. sigh Someday my beloved Maradonia will return to me… someday…
But it’s so entertaining!
Let’s be honest, most poems could be severely improved this way.
Rachel on 24 February 2014, 13:38 said:
And so it was.
Danielle on 24 February 2014, 14:17 said:
Not to mention pop songs.
The Smith of Lie on 25 February 2014, 09:14 said:
Oh, I think I have figured out how the whole Jafar thing works and makes sense! Harlow “Shiver Me Timbers” Grimm suffers from case of Stockholm Syndrome (and maybe Elves are somehow differently wired to respond to hormonal changes during pregnancy?) but that is secondary matter. What matters is Jafar’s Dissasociative Indentity Disorder, which sadly undiagnosed caused the polar shift from Jafar the Rapist to Jafar the Love Interest!
Breeanna on 25 February 2014, 14:17 said:
Actually, I never meant for him to turn into a love interest. Blah. But I’m making the whole thing more…realistic(when I get there) and rewrite spoiler I did a lot of research on the effects of trauma on young children. This is an element that was not included in the original text, but when I rewrote it, I really rewrote it. Jafar’s mother, the Queen, died when he was young. She committed suicide when he was little, and he found her. This is the time that he stops being friends with Bobo, btw, but anyway, that is something no one finds out until the very end of the first book of the rewrite when he has a full blown psychological break down. Through the book, his mother stays with him, while looking for Harlow and such. She guides him and prompts him and tells him how to be and act.
When he finally finds Harlow again, he can literally see her without this fog of his mother, and thus, realized how terrible of a person he is(theres a lot of arch on this, deciding weather or not he will kill himself, how he could ever be forgiven by Harlow or himself.) and so when he sees her again, she’ll try and kill him(more than once) and her thought process is an exemplified version of what i was going for originally(which was that she want’s to use jafar) and he will tell her what had happened and she will not care but after time she’ll see that hes honestly trying to change and still thing hes a piece of shit, but at least he was trying.
And spoiler over**
This has been a rant.
The Smith of Lie on 25 February 2014, 16:43 said:
One more question regarding rewrite. Does it feature nautical adventure on high seas?
Yes, I am that petty and hung upon one detail. It just nags at me whenever I see that name…
Breeanna on 26 February 2014, 02:32 said:
@Smith on the Lie
ALAS! Nay, because oceans did not yet exist! What name though? Harlow?I don’t understand the pirate thing here!
Breeanna on 26 February 2014, 02:34 said:
Wow did I just dyslexia right there or what? **The Smith of the Lie
Smith on the lie? What?! lol
The Smith of Lie on 26 February 2014, 04:43 said:
Yes. I can’t help it but every time I see it, it seems like something for a pulp pirate novel. And from a very short and not very representative poll, it is not an unique association.
Breeanna on 26 February 2014, 17:18 said:
That’s funny! I would have never made the correlation. It’s very English.
Breeanna on 26 February 2014, 18:03 said:
The meaning of the name Harlow is From The Mound Of The People
The origin of the name Harlow is English
I couldn’t tell you where I got it originally. I loved it though. It’s better than Isadora which is what Harlow’s name was originally.
Lone Wolf on 26 February 2014, 18:47 said:
I actually don’t find anything wrong with the name itself.
Breeanna on 27 February 2014, 02:31 said:
It’s very English. Better than Isadora! (the original name)
BlackStar on 27 February 2014, 04:22 said:
I don’t remember if anyone asked or, if they did, what the answers were. Is the person on the cover of the book supposed to be Harlow? And does the title of the book have any relevance to the plot?
Breeanna on 27 February 2014, 15:31 said:
It is Harlow. And The title is in reference to the idea that little things can lead to larger repercussions. Both the destiny of Jafar and Harlow were changed “at first glance” so to speak, as was everyone else’s.
The Smith of Lie on 27 February 2014, 16:17 said:
I just want to clarify, that while I am poking some fun at Harlow (yarr, you salty dogs!) Grimm as a name I by no means try to be malicious. It just seems too fun for me not to drop some nautical salvage experts joke.
As I mentioned in one of my previous comments, the naming is already all over the place anyway.
On slightly, very slightly, more serious note – you mentioned no oceans. I assume this means Pangea and not a fully land locked planet?
VikingBoyBilly on 27 February 2014, 16:34 said:
Oceans did not exist yet? OCEANS did not exist yet????
I don’t care if this is a pre-history metaphysical mumbo jumbo pocket dimension. Life as we know it can’t be born without water.
Breeanna on 27 February 2014, 20:02 said:
Vikingboybilly Okay yeah, Pangaea! it was more that as far as Harlow and her people were concerned because they relied on inland water sources(lakes and rivers)Smith On the LieHey, Don’t worry about it. The opportunity to make pirate jokes are hard to find!
And yeah Pangaea.
BlackStar on 28 February 2014, 00:55 said:
You know what this book really needs? A Club Of Evil.
Breeanna on 28 February 2014, 01:31 said:
@Blackstar
Bahahaha NO!
Betty Cross on 1 March 2014, 18:38 said:
There was a single ocean surrounding Pangea. It was called Panthalassa.
Breeanna on 2 March 2014, 03:51 said:
@Betty Cross
Yeah I was more trying to say to the people of the story were unaware. lol