Aurora Dawn:
Aurora wishes she could look forward to growing and living slowly like everyone else, but she knows that can never happen, for reasons that are unclear. Harlow tells the twins to stay with their father and Uncle Roswell, and wanders off. The twins think they’re going to be bored, but apparently they couldn’t have been more wrong. Great. This was a helpful chapter.
Media:
Darian is circling, laughing like a “Hannibal Lecter wannabe”. Which is odd, because I don’t recall Lecter spending a lot of time laughing.
“What’s your deal, creep?” I pulled out my Glock from my right holster and my Dessert Eagle from the left (loc. 3834).
I realize Microsoft Word doesn’t put a squiggly line beneath it because they’re the same words, but that is why proofreading is so important. It’s the difference between a reader visualizing a badass gun leveled at Darian’s face and Darian being offered a delicious pastry stuffed with eagle meat.
Darian pulls the book off his back.
I shot Glock without thinking (loc. 3842).
THE Glock. Glock is not an autonomous agent. It is presenting previous information about this character’s woefully inaccurate yet surprisingly delicious final courses.
He yelled aloud. “Draco fllsh!” (loc. 3842)
A Slytherin was flushing the toilet?…oh wait, let’s check the dictionary in the back. Okay, it actually means “Black blood.” I still don’t know what that means.
Harlow:
The days are blending together, and they’re all black, which makes me wonder how you know they are days. Harlow is wearing “strange things”:
Pants. That was one weird concept (loc. 3847).
Really? You’d think she would just wonder why she was asked to wear them, as a woman. Or, if pants are unknown in these parts, what are the men wearing?
They were nice, but I didn’t wear the face mask all the time like the twins did when they fought (loc. 3448).
Wait. The twins are fighting now? They’re four years old! Or the equivalent of.
Harlow thinks about how they can’t win because the demons just “keep coming”.
The medical Elf told me that it was the end of the first Cycle in Xanthippe (loc. 3856).
I don’t know what that means.
Harlow really wants to find Darian. So she “leaves” whatever reality she was in and meets up with the twins and Jafar. They were afraid she would get hurt and hug her in relief. Jafar explains that it’s been “Epochs” [days] since they saw here, which reminds me of how fucking annoying this calendar system is. Jafar says a medic will be over soon, which makes Harlow curious.
“It was a Goblin. He hit you with a cast iron pan. Your nose is broken . . . badly.” (loc. 3872)
How does he know what Harlow was doing in an alternate universe? More importantly, wouldn’t Harlow noticing if a goblin broke her nose with a cast iron pan? That’s a really difficult thing to miss. It’s right in your face, so to speak.
Harlow puts on a mask. There are typos. She walks outside. Kore runs up with a message from Xanthippe.
He handed me a sheet of paper. We couldn’t talk though. It was too dangerous. All those around me were locked into their own affairs, but there was no saying that one might not lash out and kill either of us at any second. I read the letter with haste (loc. 3885).
Why can’t they talk? Why is it too dangerous? Why are all around them locked into their own affairs and how could they kill them and how does Harlow know this? Is it really too much to ask that you explain how characters randomly know things?
Luman Venir, the moon mostly unseen by the naked eye, which had apparently turned red when the Avery-Oliver possessed Darian, was the hidden gate. Maybe it did help, but I had a message from the Fates too. They told me what to do and that gate was not relevant. My own babies, I hardly knew them. I had spent these last three cycles of their lives out here in war except only that little bit when I had been knocked out. There was so much chaos around me that no one even noticed me. So I ran through them all, slashing and killing every demon I passed by. They screeched or howled or moaned. Whatever sound, it was sweet and I felt crazed with their death. Then it occurred to me. This is what I was meant for (loc. 3894).
Okay, I think I’m starting to put this together. Apparently the war started, even though the book didn’t actually say the war started, or how it’s going, or really provide any information about the war. You’d think the narration would say something like “They had been fighting without rest for the past three days” or maybe Harlow would think to herself “Fighting for three days is really exhausting” or something like that so the reader knows what’s going on, but no, instead we get Harlow thinking about how strange the concept of FUCKING PANTS are.
For that matter, I’d really like to know how the war is going, who is winning, stuff like that, but that’s all happening off-screen so we can learn more about the fundamental nature of a pair of trousers.
Also Harlow is still a fucking badass with an edged weapon and is murdering demons left and right because reasons.
Jafar:
It was nearly halfway though Xanthippe. (loc, 3903)
That’s not a typo on my part. This isn’t dialogue. Something is nearly halfway though, and Xanthippe’s name is in there as well.
Jafar is sick of sitting around while a war goes on, so over his children’s protests he grabs a sword and shield and heads outside into the “fowle” [sic] air.
Judah:
The twins discuss the fact that Jafar is going to die, and seem remarkably at ease with this knowledge. To be fair, they show signs of clairvoyance so maybe they know deep down inside he’s not a very nice person. Eventually, they decide that the answer must be the “third Fate” which may or may not be Love.
Xanthippe: (See Gooshinrye to English dictionary in the back) (loc. 3922)
Yes, part of the chapter title is telling the reader to look in the English dictionary in the back. Why it doesn’t just translate it here or throw in a fucking footnote, I don’t know. I suspect Breeanna may actively hate her readers and want them to suffer.
Anyway, the Elves are assaulting the Hell Gates. There are more typos. Xanthippe gathers some of the best young soldiers together for a motivational speech.
“Weil azzah halztl rach. Vuuce ne ammna vu.”
These fighters were tired and on the verge of giving up. “Mec shuo bu narr a tamme nowe hevel.” (loc. 3929)
Translated, it reads:
“Please everyone stay calm. We are [unknown, probably “doing”] good.”
“That is [???] all and you know it.”
I have one request. Okay, two requests. Okay, three requests.
First, if you are going to put sections in your book in made-up languages, please put the translation there on the same page.
Second, if you are going to make the reader go to the effort of manually translating it, don’t. But if you have to, please include all of the words in the dictionary in the back.
Third, please make the relevant speech worth the effort of translating.
Xanthippe continues:
“Mame tamme nar eva hallien pac. Pac ha lurre Harlow. Tammeur Runlum.” (loc. 3932)
“But you all have been chosen. Chosen to protect Harlow. Your Queen.”
The Elves get excited and charge off, presumably to be hacked to pieces by demons.
Jafar:
He runs around looking for Harlow, thinking about he was so attracted to her from the start.
But everything about her was sensual now. I just wanted to feel her lips again (loc. 3944).
So…he’s still attracted to her, since he only thinks of her in terms of her beauty.
My sword did little nothing (loc. 3945).
I swear, the typos and omitted words are getting steadily more frequent the further I go into this book. It’s like she hired someone to proofread the first half of the book, they did a poor job, and so she just opted not to proofread the second half.
Anyway, Jafar sees a guy about to cast an evil black magic spell on Harlow so he drops his weapons and throws himself between Harlow and the spell, hoping that this will redeem “only some” of what he’d done to her, which, to be fair, that’s about the first thing he has done that would partially redeem himself.
Only some, for now I was dead (loc. 3950).
I’d celebrate, but I doubt he’s going to stay dead any longer than Roswell did.
Drinks: 49
The Smith of Lie on 24 April 2014, 02:26 said:
The whole pants thing reminds me of this.
Merli on 24 April 2014, 15:43 said:
I no longer have any clue as to what is going on in this book. It is very hard to follow and understand.
sanguine on 24 April 2014, 19:05 said:
In what time period is this taking place? All of them?
Anyway, thank you Rorschach for writing these articles. They are just too damned entertaining.
Epke on 25 April 2014, 08:21 said:
I thought about this when they were born, but didn’t really comment… Aurora, as in either the Roman goddess of the dawn (Eos, greek eq.) or Aurora Borealis, but most likely the former. So the name really means Dawn Dawn.
…
Shit, it’s Moon Moon.
Right, uhm about the made up languages… From the looks of it, it seems like the PaoPao approach (same structure as English) with little to no understanding of how real languages evolve and function. If you don’t plan to spend some serious time constructing your language (grammar, etymology, structure etc), don’t include one. Or at least, the very least, just write “he said in their own language”, even if we, the readers, get the sentence in English.
Lone Wolf on 25 April 2014, 08:36 said:
Yeah, I have only the vaguest idea what’s going on.
In what time period is this taking place? All of them?
The main plot takes place in mythical Earth pre-history. The good guys, lead by Xantippe, bring people with special talents from all over the historical timeline in order to fight the bad guys, at least, that’s why they do it, I think.
breeanna on 25 April 2014, 16:26 said:
I don’t necessarily see why her ne meaning dawn dawn so long as it is not dawn dawn. I mean…Phillip Phillips anyone? Idk.
That’s pretty much it @lone wolf
Danielle on 25 April 2014, 17:20 said:
I actually thought Aurora Dawn sounded pretty. A tad special-snowflake, but it does roll off the tongue nicely. So long as you don’t make the meaning of the name important to the plot, I didn’t think it was so bad. Certainly less Sue-ish than Ayliana or Raven.
breeanna on 25 April 2014, 17:28 said:
Phew….I almost named Harlow raven. But no. The meaning is irrelevant. Rolling off the tounge was the objective. :)
Danielle on 25 April 2014, 17:48 said:
Then you’re on the right track. Names that read easily, that are easy to pronounce in the reader’s head and sound decent when read aloud, are key, IMO.
breeanna on 25 April 2014, 17:57 said:
I’m learning that lol.
Tim on 25 April 2014, 18:30 said:
Why would you carry a Glock and a Deagle? At least the dual-Deagle twit-heroes don’t have to carry two sets of non-interchangeable magazines around with them.
The Smith of Lie on 26 April 2014, 03:28 said:
Well, I guess as a smaller and lighter handgun Glock gets “balanced” property which makes penalty for dualwielding -2 instead -4 when in off-hand. :P
Epke on 26 April 2014, 08:09 said:
It sounds pretentious. Phillip Phillips is just unfortunate – Aurora Dawn (or say, Luna Diane) means that the parents made a giant neon sign pointing at their daughter, saying “Look at her, ain’t she special?!” Having a special child, especially one of prophecy, also have a special, snowflakey name is very amateurish. Like say… Bella Swan.
Now, I will agree that it rolls off the tongue nicely, it does… but that doesn’t change anything. It’s still a special name for a (super) special child and that is the author equivalent of not knowing how to give a character their needed importance without a porcine fist.
Danielle on 26 April 2014, 12:34 said:
If you’re completely married to the idea of a character named Aurora Dawn, give everyone else special-snowflake names so Aurora Dawn seems normal. For example, if The Fellowship of the Ring were set in modern-day Britain or America, a character named Eowyn or Arwen would almost certainly read as a Sue, even if she exhibited few to none Sue-ish traits. Eowyn and Arwen are not normal names in our world. But no reader of the LOTR books bats an eye at those names, because the lead is named Frodo Baggins, his companions have names like Boromir and Peregrine, and they interact with characters named Elrond and Denethor. Names like Samwise Gamgee and Tom Bombadil sound strange by comparison. If you really, really want to name her Aurora Dawn, change the other names so Aurora Dawn no longer sounds special.
Tim on 26 April 2014, 15:43 said:
Actually I think most people would just assume it was a foreign name or one of their parents was kind of a hippie.
Danielle on 26 April 2014, 17:41 said:
Very true.
Tim on 26 April 2014, 20:05 said:
I think really the problem is that it stands out because in English Aurora and Dawn are both first names, and that just makes the combination seem strange.
Danielle on 27 April 2014, 00:13 said:
The way I read it—and I don’t know if this is right or not; I could’ve missed something while I was laughing about Dessert Eagles and menacing creatures of the night puffing on cigars—but I thought Aurora was the first name and Dawn was the middle name. So it would be Aurora Dawn Lastname. Something like that.
Breeanna on 27 April 2014, 17:54 said:
Yeah, she isn’t called aurora dawn. Usually just Rourry.
Dawn is her Middle name.
Like…my first and middle names are both first names. Actually. All three of my names are first name. Alessandra is a very common first name….
Danielle on 27 April 2014, 18:23 said:
I’d spell it Rory. Rourry will leave the reader asking, “Okay, is it said like Rory? Or Rowry? Rue-ry?”
Tim on 27 April 2014, 18:24 said:
Yeah, but the thing is real life can be as weird as it likes without being unrealistic. If a fantasy world contained anything as bizarre, counterintuitive and arbitrary as, say, quantum physics, most people would consider it bad writing.
I think if you presented someone with a fictional character with your real name they’d probably be like “wait, that’s a surname?” while IRL they’re hardly going to accuse you of making up your own name.
Breeanna on 27 April 2014, 19:11 said:
@Danielle
It is pronounced Rowry…but that ought not really matter. I feel the U in there makes it a more realistic nickname for aUrora. Idk
@tim
Actually, there was a short time in the early days where some people thought I wrote under a false penname…which made me laugh.
Tim on 27 April 2014, 21:04 said:
Well, usually with short forms you just grab a chunk of the word and make it pronounceable, so just calling her Rory would be like Rick when it’s short for Richard. I don’t think you need the extra u since it doesn’t really change how the word is pronounced anyway and I don’t think it’s what most people would do to shorten it.
Rourry is like, rather than shortening Timothy to Tim or Timmy, using “Tiommy” because there’s an o at the other end of the word.
VikingBoyBilly on 28 April 2014, 09:32 said:
Rename her Hikari Dawn, please. And rename the other twin Brendan! (Give him a poofy white hat to boot)
breeanna on 28 April 2014, 10:01 said:
@viking Boy billy
Hrm…I don’t know lol mi like to stay away from hikari and Brendan is so….idk. It doesn’t do anything for me
Epke on 28 April 2014, 16:57 said:
Eh… one’s an Elf and the other is Old English – and the latter wouldn’t sound very strange to say, a Welsh reader. I think the reason names like Frodo, Bilbo and Peregrine Took doesn’t sound weird when reading LotR is because right off the bat, we’re very clearly not in our world. Further, LotR is a bad example, seeing as almost all the names were given more thought, history and etymology than anyone else I’ve read.
WarriorsGate on 29 April 2014, 04:52 said:
Well, we are, except it takes place six thousand years ago, or something like that. In the in-universe appendices, Tolkien goes very in-depth about how the languages he uses are the “ancestors” of modern European languages. Also, all of the Hobbit names and locations were “Anglicized” by him to make them have a more Merrie Olde England vibe. Sam’s actual name is, like, Banrazir Gallbasi, or something like that. Merry’s is Kalidoc. Can’t remember any of the others, because it’s been so long since I read it.
The Smith of Lie on 29 April 2014, 17:09 said:
@WarriorsGate
Could you source it? Maybe even paste the quote. I admit it has been long years since I’ve last reat anything of Tolkien, but I am pretty sure I’d notice if he suggested it is supposed to be our world in the past…
WarriorsGate on 29 April 2014, 18:21 said:
The book itself, mostly in the Appendices, makes no secret of its conceit as a translation of a historical account of the epoch that inspired the Germanic mythology about elves and dwarves we know today. References are constantly made to the Third Age being “long ago”, and numerous times Tolkien, in-character, speaks of the problems with ‘translating’ it into English (including the infamous ‘steam locomotive’ bit).
In fact, on the second page of the Prologue, Tolkien flat-out states the continents of ‘the North-West of the Old World’ have changed since Hobbits lived there, although they still exist in hiding.
Tim on 29 April 2014, 22:17 said:
Are you sure it’s not just referencing the fictional present of Tolkien’s world?
WarriorsGate on 30 April 2014, 22:10 said:
Yes. Aside from the direct references, in-character, Tolkien makes to real world languages and events, he said as much in interviews and letters in real life.