Harlow:
She’s giving birth and is in considerable pain. Her werewolf lover is on one side holding her hand, and her rapist/baby daddy is on her other side, also holding her hand, which is a little odd when you think about it.
She pushes and out pops a beautiful baby boy. Okay, I have personally witnessed births and I can confirm that babies are not beautiful when they come out. They’re water-crinkled, off-color, and covered in what looks like mucus and sriracha sauce.
However, the pain does not lapse. Xanthippe explains that this is part of the prophecy: she’s going to have twins, a boy and a girl. After a bit, the girl pops out. Harlow is concerned because they aren’t crying. Master Smith reassures her that it’s because they have a “high level of inelegance, even at birth”, which is standard for prodigal children.
“What shall you name them, Harlow?” Roswell supported me by holding my shoulder. Jafar shot him a resentful look.
“Yes, Harlow. What shall you name our children?” Uncomfortable tension built in the air (loc. 3404)
Okay. I feel a little bit like I am beating a dead horse here, but HE’S A MOTHERFUCKING RAPIST.
Harlow names the girl Aurora Dawn and the boy Judah Ryne. O…kay. They’re decent names – well, the girl’s name is decent and the boy’s name is atrocious – but this doesn’t really mean much to us, considering that we have no idea why Harlow chose those names or if they have any special significance. And if you’re going to have a Naming Scene, you might as well provide some reason, even if the reason is only “they sound pretty”.
Roswell:
After Harlow and the twins fall asleep, Roswell heads outside the tent with everyone else. He begins talking to someone but because of the general lack of dialogue tags we have no idea who s/he is.
The person explains that their team, including Xanthippe, Zosime, Pallas, her/himself, and others, all are part of a group called The Angels of Sin, which sounds like the title of a pornographic film. They’re all very talented beings with many gifts, and they’ve been around for thousands of years to serve as peacekeepers. And we get…much backstory:
“My son, Avery-Oliver, grew very evil and power hungry. He wished to be among the gods. He fancied a girl who was otherwise infatuated with Von Lon Bach and blindly believed he could become the strongest and greatest man in all the world, and Alyssia would then fall for him. He created a book, Fel Nerr Zu San Vech or The Book of Incomprehensible Pain, which contained such vile and powerful evils, that one could not be near it with out being sickened or killed. After he had wasted nearly six Zapatos of his life devoted to his lust, he went to Alyssia’s home, where she lived with Von and their three children. And when she refused his heart, the last thread was cut. He killed her family, and when my wife, his mother, Ever Pine, tried to calm him, she was also slaughtered. He used a spell of his own device to summon the Hell Gates, unleashing the most heinous of demons. Ultimately, he was killed, but the spell lingered, leaving the world with no chance. After nearly two thirds of all men, women, and children had been killed, we discovered the way to stop it, what needed to be done. Lyssandra, an Angel with the ability to create impenetrable barriers, sealed the book and all its powers inside” (loc. 3442).
If he wants to become the strongest and greatest man in order to win the love of a girl, why is he creating a book called The Book of Incomprehensible Pain? Wouldn’t it make a bit more sense to create that AFTER she rejects him and his life is in shambles? Also, why do these villainous characters summon heinous demons that will kill him? Why do the villains always have to be holding the Idiot Ball?
Anyway, Avery Oliver’s (now suspiciously without the hyphen) soul is tied up within the book, much like the One Ring. Unlike the One Ring, they used his blood to awaken him, much like a horcrux. And then:
“We found Harlow because she is of my descent, but she is a woman.” (loc. 3459)
So?
“Does she have a brother? For only a male descendant can access the books powers.” (loc. 3465)
Gotcha. Sexism. Makes sense.
They chat about powers. Thea can control things from nature, so she’s Mother Nature. Zosime is capable of weather control like Storm…wait, wouldn’t that be the exact same thing as controlling things of nature except much less powerful?
Harlow asks Xanthippe if he has powers. He asks her what book she is interested in and conjures it out of thin air, then explains that he cannot summon Fel Nerr Zu San Vech because it’s impervious to magic, which seems reasonable.
Xanthippe continues his story. Eventually Avery-Oliver returns. He has the book “over his back”. Wait. Is this an extremely large book? Why does it need to be carried over his back? At any rate, this begins the First Demon War which lasts for seven years. They manage to corner Avery-Oliver, so as a last resort he opens the Gates of Hell, believing that he would be able to control everything inside. He isn’t and he’s “overrun”, whatever that means.
Okay. Let me see if I have this straight in my head. Avery Oliver is evil and powerful, even though his name does not inspire fear so much as remind me of a mild-mannered accountant. He creates an evil book, kills a lot of people, summons the Hell Gates, unleashes a bunch of demons, and is temporary killed. Eventually he comes back, and OPENS the Gates of Hell (different gates? Same gates? Who can tell?), releasing demons, except this time he can’t control them for reasons that aren’t clear and is promptly killed for a second time.
He really has a one-track mind. More importantly, how did he unleash a bunch of demons the first time and was more or less fine and the second time it killed him? Or did they kill him the first time, in which case why the fuck would he be stupid enough to open them a second time?
Anyway, Gates of Hell are open and demons are pouring out:
“We knew that we must close it before a truly devastating creature was unleashed.” (loc. 3518)
And they immediately change the subject without discussing whether or how the gates were shut.
Xanthippe pulled from the pocket of his flowing cloak, a strange, slender, and silver device (loc. 3539).
It’s a cell phone. He places a call and chats with Media and explains it’s 5066 NM. I’m not sure what that means but it seems like an awfully short code to tell someone how to travel through time to precisely the correct moment and place in the universe. A vortex forms in the sky and a young man and a young woman come out, the woman doing a front-flip.
Her hair was jet-black with streaks of fluorescent pinks and fuchsias that matched her exquisite eyes, illuminated by face paints (loc. 3551).
There’s more description, but basically they’re both dressed like modern teenagers trying to be unique snowflakes by conforming to shitty fashion trends. We learn the guy is Hippolyte and the girl is Media. Xanthippe asks them how 2011 was. They talk weird.
“We, Hyppolyte and I, were added 76ers game. Seventy six couples got married. Shaque Through rice and missed them all,” (loc. 3569)
Why is it “added” instead of “at a”? Is Breeanna trying to write this phonetically to tell us how they sound, and if that is the case, why does it say Through instead of threw since these two words are identically pronounced and why is it unnecessarily capitalized and why does it say Shaque when his nickname is Shaq and why is Hippolyte misspelled?
“Cute babies, Thea. I see you haven’t lost the postpartum weight yet though,” Media scoffed (loc. 3571).
Probably a snap judgment, but I have the feeling that she might be a bitch.
Thea explains the babies aren’t hers.
“Well, my bad,” Media elongated the word my, making point that heavy sarcasm was afoot. “Could’a fooled me, the way you whore around.” (loc. 3574)
Yep. Bitch.
Xanthippe calms everyone down, explains that Avery-Oliver has the book and they have to stop him.
Drinks: 35
The Smith of Lie on 29 March 2014, 10:40 said:
Ok, since the spork as a form of medium has its limitations, I will ask. Is the Avery-Oilver, the Accountatn of Burning Hells ever mentioned in the book before Xanthippe and his merry band of time travellers crash into the main plot? Or is the backstory suddenly conjured into existance somewhere around the second half of the book (as it seems here)?
I am not a writer, but those things have to be established. And if you don’t want to do exposition drop (though this is not the case here), readers should at least be fed some clues and foreshadowing.
I must also admit, that I have abandoned any attempt at actually understanding what is going on. Even correcting for fragmented second-hand narrative there seems to be too many characters connected in convoluted ways.
Also. Names. The names. I finally figured the scheme behind the naming! It took me a while. It is dadaism. Right?
Asahel on 29 March 2014, 11:50 said:
Aurora means Dawn. Shall she go on to make a cameo appearance in Manos: The Hands of Fate?
Breeanna on 29 March 2014, 13:09 said:
@The Smith of Lie
Well Rowan talks about him a few times…I amped that up a lot in the rewrite but I know she talks about “Ollie” and that’s what she called him.
Danielle on 29 March 2014, 13:41 said:
So the seventy-six couples got married at the 76ers game? Why was Shaq there? I mean, it’d be pretty awesome to have Shaq throwing rice at your wedding, but why was he even invited? And why is it significant that he missed them all—was he trying to hit them, or is this indicative of Hippolyte and Media’s misunderstanding of human traditions?
Rorschach on 29 March 2014, 13:45 said:
I did a search of the e-book. Avery-Oliver is first mentioned almost precisely halfway through the book, at the 49% mark.
I searched for Ollie as well as there is a throwaway reference to Ollie 32% into the book but it doesn’t actually tell us anything about him.
Asahel on 29 March 2014, 19:07 said:
I was so distracted by Dawn Dawn that I glossed over this part:
Ok, so many things wrong with this, it’s hard to know where to start… Let’s pick:
1) Aren’t all babies inelegant at birth? Has anyone ever looked at a newborn and said, “Oh what an elegant baby!”?
2) So, not crying is inelegant, which means that crying… is… elegant. Hmmmm. Has anyone looked at a crying person and just thought, “Oh, how elegant!”
3) Newborns crying is how they start breathing, so if they don’t start crying on their own, the doctor induces the baby to cry. So, if they’re not crying… are we sure they’re breathing?
I’m sure there are a ton of other implications to go along with these, but I can’t go on any longer.
BlackStar on 30 March 2014, 00:39 said:
@Asahel, I think that might be a typo, because it makes literally no sense, and given the context I feel like “intelligence” was what was meant to be there instead?
Danielle on 30 March 2014, 01:12 said:
My brain autocorrected it to “intelligence.”
Asahel on 30 March 2014, 14:33 said:
Possible. I’d love to know if it was a typo on the part of the sporker or the author. Even if it’s supposed to be “intelligence,” that’s really only marginally better when you consider it:
Why, yes, I used to be surrounded by warm fluid for months on end and constantly aware of a soft thumping sound that gave me comfort, and now I’m cold, my skin is drying off, and the thump-thump sound is gone, but cry? No! That would be stupid!
(Yes, I believe that intelligence has no bearing on whether or not you cry during circumstances that completely warrant it, why do you ask?)
Rorschach on 30 March 2014, 17:07 said:
The book says inelegance. Whether that’s a typo or a deliberate choice on the author’s behalf, I don’t know.
The Smith of Lie on 31 March 2014, 00:47 said:
I forgot about one more thing that seemed strange to me. So far the Xanthippe and the gang seem to be the good guys. Why Angels of Sin then? It is rather counterintuitive moniker for them, especially since there’s little to suggest they have some thematic overlaps with Wrath, Pride, Gluttony and the rest of the bunch. Unless we’re talking about some other religion’s definition of sin, but still this is rather strange choice.
breeanna on 31 March 2014, 11:06 said:
It was in fact a typo!
The angels are not religious at all. They’re Angeles because of the good they did. But they consider them selves to be a necessary evil.
Coby Parrish on 31 March 2014, 12:23 said:
Well I’ve read through all the sporks of this book and I feel that I am ready to leave a review on one of these. Well first of all I must say is that, to the author. It is a good thing that you are taking this so well and using it as an opportunity to improve.
Kudos.
Well anyways, I’m just going to say is that you’re books remind me of a horrible fanfiction. It’s all over the place, you really don’t provide any insight within the world that this book takes place in, your characters are horrible. Jafar for instance makes a heel-face turn for no apparent reason and such. Your protagonist is quite the Mary Sue….and well need I say more. Anything I’ve missed has been covered by the author of the spork.
I get that you were young when you started this but I managed to come up with this in an hour and I am around the age you started this.
The World Of The Mystics
- Basic Roleplay Information –
NOTE: The following is a short collection of the most important information you need to know in order to roleplay in this forum. It is highly recommended to read through this before creating a character.
Topic Overview:
1. Mystics & Streams
2. Rerum – the main continent
3. Tumultus – the rebels
4. The civil war
5. The four kingdoms
1. Mystics & Streams
Stream:
A stream is the sort of power, which distinguishes mystics from normal humans. A single stream is considered a small part of a larger stream called “The World.” The World, basically, is the collected essence of everything in existence. Try to understand it like this: to create something you need energy, no matter what sort of energy this might be. A part of this initial energy is absorbed by this large flow of energy called The World, thus saving this creation’s essence.
In very simple words: if it exists, it has a stream.
There are physical streams and non-physical streams. Physical streams are streams, which can be used to directly attack somebody. Non-physical streams don’t have this ability, but can take direct influence on their wielder and give them an advantage.
An example:
Stream of fire: allows their wielder to manipulate and attack their opponent with fire = physical stream
Stream of stealth: allows their wielder to become invisible = non-physical streams
There are also legendary streams, which are
to be added by a modMystic:
Mystics are people, who are able to harness the power of a stream and manipulate it at their will. Under normal circumstances, it is not possible to learn or inherit the gift of being a mystic. You’re either born with this ability or not and wether or not you’re born with it is a matter of pure coincidence. There is also no specific age when this ability typically awakens. It could make itself known at age 8 or at age 80. Some mystics even die without ever having known they were a mystic.
Mystics are generally considered the higher caste of society. At first they were equal to normal humans, but when their number constantly continued to increase, the mystics started to demand more privileges. A slow, unfair revolution of the system started, which ultimately resulted in the enslavement of normal humans.
Is there any way for humans to acquire the ability of manipulating a stream without having been born a mystic?
Yes. There are some alchemists in the kingdoms, who can brew potions, which, when consumed by a human, can destroy their natural limiters and grant them access to The World. Which stream they will be able to manipulate is a matter of coincidence. However, those potions come with a risk. Controlling a stream is simply not in the nature of being a human, so suddenly forcing this ability onto their body can either give them the ability to harness a stream…or result in severe inner injuries or death.
Anything else?
Just this: Mystics in general can surpass human limits but a mere doing the same in not unheard of either.
. . .
2. Rerum – the main continent
Setting: similar to European High Middle Ages
General Info: Rerum is the name of the world this roleplay plays in. It is a single landmass, about the size of Eurasia. Located in its center and taking up most of its total area is a large desert: Remissum. Remissum is generaly considered uninhabitable. However, there is a large oasis in its center, which serves as the main base of operations to the notorious rebel group Tumultus. Only the 4 cardinal points of Rerum aren’t directly influenced by Remissum’s hostile to life climate, thus this is where the 4 kingdoms of Rerum have been built: Robigo (north); Coquo (south); Iuvenes (east) and Lus (west).
Religion: Polytheism
Imushi – creator of everything; king of gods
Imari – god of fate; in charge of life and death
Note: more gods are free to be added by members.
. . .
3. Tumultus – the rebels
As mentioned before in subitem 2, Tumultus is the name of an organization of rebels, who have their lair in the oasis of Remissum. Their goal is to fight for equality between humans and mystics, or at least that’s what they use as their disguise. The true aim of Tumultus is to overthrow the 4 kingdoms in order to gain absolute domination over Rerum. In other words: they’re terrorists. A member of Tumultus is not to be trusted in any way, but unfortunately, there are only very, very few people, who know about this. To humans, they are the only hope to finally achieving equality with mystics, thus most humans support them, not knowing that by doing so, they’re signing their own death warrant.
A detailed description of the leader of Tumultus can be found in the thread “Creation of the Mystics”, page 1, post #18
. . .
4. The civil war
The 4 kingdoms have never really been on good terms with each other. Considering that Remissum takes up most of the space in Rerum, it’s only logical that the ressources the continent has to offer are very limited. Rerum’s history is scarred by wars over ressources and territory, but after centuries of killing each other out of jealousy, the monarchs had finally realized that violence won’t get them anywhere. After long negotiations, the 4 kingdoms still didn’t trust each other, but at least had managed to settle on a general truce. This truce had lasted for almost 150 years. But then, Tumultus surfaced…
What had taken their leader years to plan in every detail had finally been set into motion when he sent groups of martyrs out to simultaneously assault Lus, Iuvenes and Coquo. Hundreds of innocent people, humans and mystics alike, died on that day…and since the martyrs had all worn the characteristic military brandmark of Robigo, the monarchs believed to have found the culprit. Lus, Iuevenes and Coquo all declared war on Robigo, which had been chosen by Tumultus as the first target due to its enormous military defense. Their plan is to exhaust the other countries to make them weak against more attacks once Robigo falls. Robigo has held on until now, even managing to defend against several strikes of the Iuvenian army. However, the kingdoms keep attacking. At the rate its currently going, it’ll only be a matter of time until Robigo will have to admit defeat and Tumultus will proceed in its plan. That is, of course, unless someone manages to stop this insanity…
. . .
5. The four kingdoms
5.1 Robigo
Location: North of Rerum
Short info: currently at war with all 3 other kingdoms; sworn mortal enemy of Tumultus; insanely strong military defense; supports slavery; cold climate; people are known to be rather blunt, bitter and rude; primary occupations: blacksmiths, masons, loggers, all other sorts of hard labor.
Monarch: will be created later on by a mod or a trustworthy member
-
5.2 Coquo
Location: South of Rerum
Short info: prosper country with free enterprise system; army is huge in number, but not very advanced; tropical climate; supports slavery; people are known for their carefree attitude as well as for being a lot shorter than the average human; primary occupations: fishers, farmers, mariners, merchants etc.
Monarch: will be created later on by a mod or a trustworthy member
-
5.3 Iuvenes
Location: East of Rerum
Short info: country with very versatile culture; strongest and most advanced army of all the kingdoms; desert-like climate (hot during day, freezing cold during night); doesn’t support slavery; people are known to be very trustworthy, loyal and ready for battle at any time; primary occupations: everything related to warcraft
Monarch: Queen Saia
Info on the monarch: Queen Saia is the 27th heiress of Iuvenes since the begin of records. (Note: 3 generations of monarchs would mean the country’s history wouldn’t even be a century long. With 27 generations, it’d be a recorded history of about 500 years. I found that more reasonable.) Trained to battle from the time she could walk, the red-haired, red-eyed Mystic Queen of Iuvenes is a deadly fighter. She can use almost anything as a weapon. The Queen is usually rather talkative and gives off an inviting aura, but the truth about her being a ruthless fighter whenever necessary still remains. She controls the Stream of Red. Literally speaking, she can control anything as long as its color is red. That includes the blood of both her enemies and her allies.
-
5.4 Lus
Location: West of Rerum
Short Info: sparsely inhabited; all of the country’s settlements are built almost completely underneath the surface of the earth; very small army; most advanced technology of the 4 kingdoms; very strong supporter of slavery; cool climate; people are known to be very smart, witty and arrogant; primary occupations: miners, architects, inventors, engineers etc.
Monarch: will be created later on by a mod or a trustworthy member
And this is for a role play on Fanfiction.
And again here’s something I managed to whip up in an hour, sans the history of him.
Name: Rekkalu Prakopamu
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Type (Mystic, or Human): Mystic
Appearance: Rekkalu stands in at a height of 5’6 and weighs in at 123 pounds. He has black hair that extends down to his neck and is predominately spiky though it does lie down flat in certain place, with a bang coming down on his forehead. He has pale skin, a prominent jaw, high cheekbones, a larger than average forehead, a small hooked nose, and slanted eyes. The color of his eyes are yellowish-green. Rekkalu is very scrawny with no semblance of muscle on him, you couldn’t tell if he’s been outside or not. Generally he wears, something akin to monks or more specifically, wizard robes, sometimes featuring a large pointed hat. His usual type, of robes are purple in color, with patterns of stars, and celestial bodies on them.
Personality: Rekkalu is a very studious and meek person who definitely prefers to be inside reading a book or studying then going outside and engaging in anything physical. He likes to be alone and is very awkward with other people. He can’t stand failure and will often ‘punish’ himself, if this doe occur. He isn’t one to get angry and is usually very calm and collected, but there is a few certain things can and will make him mad. He doesn’t like violence though he has engaged in it, though he definitely prefers to play a support role in it if possible. He isn’t brave and often runs away from things that scare him, or what he thinks would qualify as overwhelming odds. To get back to his devotion and love of books. He uses books as a way to remain in ‘control’, of the passage of events (Which is further egged on by the fact that he has a moderate case of OCD), so if someone does destroy one or deface one in front of him… well lets just say the results aren’t pretty. Usually the results are a failed physical attack on the defacer in which Rekkalu forgets that he has a stream at his disposal. He has a strong sense of responsibility and causes him to believe that his powers shouldn’t be used for anything other then to defend oneself or to help others. (Though admittedly he is, more inclined to the defense option and usually only helps others when he has no other option.) Like I said he is very studious and thus he is pretty smart, though not at the level of a genius. He has a high learning curve for his stream. He has a tendency to complain when things get a little tough though this is usually minor but it does depend on how ‘tough’, the situation is. (Not to the level of Bella Swan, in anyway.).
See, this took me an hour to create. I must admit it’s not the optional character but it has room for growth. And on the topic of abilities, well this dude has some ridiculous abilities himself but with justifiable weaknesses and such.
Weaknesses: First, of all he literally can’t gain physical strength or speed through training, and only what he would gain naturally, through everyday life. An instant death attack, such as blowing his body to bits, blowing his head off, and such will circumvent his damage nullification and kill him. Though decapitation, will not work seeing as the brain is still active a few seconds afterwards. He is human in all aspects, excluding durability and pain tolerance. He has little to no, skill in hand to hand combat,or weapons combat. He can still be knocked out and be dealt with from there. Rather naive and inexperienced with combat and the outside world.
Stream they’re capable of manipulating: Life: He can manipulate the legendary stream of life. This grants him, 3 rather incredible abilities.
Longevity: Due, to his stream, he cannot die of any disease, old age, or through any natural means. Coupled with, his second ability, he is the hardest to kill, in all of Rerum.
Damage Nullification: This is actually more than just closing wounds or healing fast. The life stream has the blueprints for anything that lives, so using it would restore someone to their default state, meaning how they would be if they were absolutely perfect and healthy. No scares, no tear, nothing. Tattoes and piercings would also be eliminated. So basically, it’s like Jesus curing the blind, it’s not just healing, it’s a miracle. So, if he were to lose an arm, or a limb, it would come back instantly.
Animation: With his stream, he can breathe life into inanimate objects, turning them into real living beings. To be done, it requires two components. First, he must have something to provide the shape, an object in the shape of his intended animation. Next, then he needs a DNA sample, to provide the basis for what the animal, or living thing is going to be. Which, then he creates a living being. Isn’t limited, to animals though and at full power he can create a human. This, is a rather lengthy process, taking nearly a minute.
Well I’m probably sounding like an arrogant prick right now. For that I apologize.
Epke on 31 March 2014, 14:11 said:
This isn’t the last spork or even the last chapter in the book. For all we know, maybe the book becomes freakin LotR later (it doesn’t, but still). Bit hasty, are we?
Wow… er… well, I can sort of tell that you’re an ff.net native. A tip here: instead of writing this wall of text which sounds like any forum roleplay ever (admittedly the Stream concept sounds nice, the Stream of Red sounds like absolute tripe), analysing the text and explaining your points would’ve been better.
That’s… I don’t think that word means what you think it means.
Don’t know which is worse; that, or Avery Oliver.
I saved this for last because it’s good. Ahem. Paolini was even younger than Breeanna and his work, while maybe not pingponging so badly all over the place, was less original than this. So don’t use Age = Quality (and then use such an example, “in an hour” which both lacks in originality and can be found on forums across the multiverse).
———————
Breeanna, can I ask why they think of themselves as a necessary evil if, by nature, they are good? Shouldn’t they realise that their actions are for the greater good?
Coby Parrish on 31 March 2014, 14:59 said:
I apologize.
Danielle on 31 March 2014, 15:48 said:
I have a question about Rerum. (I have a few, but this is the main one.) How are four nations separated by a supposedly uninhabitable desert at war? How do they cart enough provisions to fight when the only inhabitable region is a single oasis?
Apocalyptic Reaper on 31 March 2014, 21:40 said:
I know it’s been questioned and commented on a load of times but Breeanna could you answer me this question? Why is Jafar still around? I mean does the protagonist have a serious case of Stockholm Syndrome? In all honesty she should have ripped him a new asshole with what he’s done to her.
Why hasn’t the werewolf done it yet might I add. He is in love with her and he’s a wolf, very territorial. So wouldn’t he see Jafar as sort of like a rival who’s treading on his territory?
Rock on 31 March 2014, 21:55 said:
Bree did say that her new-and-improved Jafar was… something. Can’t remember what it was exactly, but he had a dead ghostly mother hanging around him or something and so it made him a little /off/.
But you got a good point on the werewolf territorial thing, I think.
I don’t think people should ask Bree what she was thinking when she wrote the story at first, or why is so and so not dead etcetc yet. I mean, obviously she didn’t think of it then, and continually asking things like that aren’t very helpful. It’s not like she could modify all previously published versions, even if she rewrote the whole thing. We’re looking at the old and lots-of-mistakes version.
Apocalyptic Reaper on 31 March 2014, 22:01 said:
Good point.
Well to Breeanna I commend that you take criticism so well and are making an actual effort to improve the quality of your story.
Breeanna on 31 March 2014, 22:41 said:
Epke I sort of tried the philosophy of "for the greater good" is not always inherently good.Apocalyptic ReaperI wanted to have a more painful death with a hint of “so sad, too bad” I plan on that happening different in the rewrite evil grin
And thanks. I really want to do this and at 16 my brain was…well…you know…16…and I’d like to write some better stuff…that’s not…like when I was 16. It’s been 3 LOOOOOONG years. Lol
@Rock
I don’t mind people asking. It helps me in the long run to think things through more. smashes face into table
The Smith of Lie on 1 April 2014, 02:10 said:
Well, I am still not really on board with Angels of Sin thing. The name is evocative enough in pop culture that most readers will have a pre-existing associations and will probably, like me, find it confusing. Also, it calls into the question the matter of religion, regardless of how characters treat it, by alluding to createures present in at least 3 major religions.
You probably should consider using the verse appropriate images and themes. I will harp again (and expect me to do so in the future, cause I am stupid like this) on how Brandon Sanderson (yes, he is my favorite writer at the moment, why are you asking?) did include pecularities of his world. Roshar (from Stromlight Archives) due to unique weather patterns evolved mainly around crustaceans. Only one place has animals and plants as we know them. Rest of the world knows plants that hide into the ground or into rock-like structures and animals that have tought chitinous armors. Only few ate chicken (imported from the place mentioned before) and horses are incredibly valuable (likewise imported). And than, character from another world wants to use a metaphor.
Wit: Perhaps a story for a child. I will tell you one, to get you in the mood. A bunny rabbit and a chick went frolicking in the grass together on a sunny day.
Kaladin: A chick…baby chicken? And a what?
Wit: Ah, forgot myself for a moment. Sorry. Let me make it more appropriate for you. A piece of wet slime and a disgusting crab thing with seventeen legs slunk across the rocks together on an insufferably rainy day. Is that better?
Kaladin: I suppose.
Also, another example. Warbreaker is set in world that has great accent laid on colors. Thus character from Warbreaker universe when appeared in books set in another world (shared universe) constantly used idioms based on colors, that no one understood. This is actually how readers guessed where the character comes from.
So yeah. I’d reconsider angels of sin. Or at least try to make it less conspicious.
PS. Sorry if this comment is riddled with errors, it is upside down due to someone’s ill concieved april fools joke. Rreally, making site unreadable is not a good joke, just an annoying one.
Epke on 1 April 2014, 07:39 said:
I like this April’s Fool’s joke :D Reading upside down is a lot easier than people might think.
And thanks for the reply, Breeanna.
Shell on 1 April 2014, 13:50 said:
I don’t like it. I had to flip my screen upside down so I could read the sporking!
In any case I seriously have no idea what’s going on in this book. Granted that’s mostly because I can’t keep all the names straight anymore so I’m just along for the wild ride. Roswell seems neat though. In the sense that he at least has the flaw of being as dumb as a sack of bricks.
VikingBoyBilly on 3 April 2014, 09:37 said:
@Coby Parrish: You promised us an in-depth review of At First Glance, but instead give us a text wall of everything you wrote for your world? If you’re the same age as Bree when she started, it shows. I don’t mean to say the concept of world and the mystics isn’t bad by any means, it’s the way you presented it to us: a giant expository text dump that’s boring to slog through. It’s something I see done typically by teenagers on deviantart entries. Let me make it clear that it’s not bad you know all these things and it’s actually a good thing you wrote it down, but I believe such info-dumps are useful to the author as a reference, not the audience for entertainment. Good writing let’s us experience the world with the characters and learn these things on our own, not read like flat history book that’s a chore to finish. The likes of Bree and Robert Stanek did the opposite: throwing us into randomness without explaining how everything fits together. There’s some middle ground between the two when writing becomes good. You should stick to viewpoints of a limited number of characters and let the reader decide what the characters are like without an authorial voice blatantly telling us what to think. Worlbuilding factoids should be worked in in a way that feels seamless and tells the reader what they need to know that makes them feel like they are discovering these things rather than being lectured.
I’ll just stop there before writing another textwall, but TL;DR: a better way to show us an example of your writing would be a small sample of your story, not the reference guide you used to construct it, and point out how it succeeds where At First Glance went wrong.
swenson on 3 April 2014, 11:17 said:
Also, proving someone else is bad by talking about how you’re better isn’t a very good strategy.
Tim on 3 April 2014, 13:41 said:
I control the dreaded Stream of Consciousness. I am itchy and sleepy. Typing on a phone is hard. I live in a country with rain in it. Girls.
VikingBoyBilly on 3 April 2014, 14:43 said:
Also, proving someone else is bad by talking about how you’re better isn’t a very good strategy.
But it worked for Stanek, didn’t it? CURSE PATRICK ROTHFUSS! Read the Ruin Mist Books instead. They were written by Robert Stanek, veteran and world famous author who has sold ovuh nine thousand million books. And unlike Rothfuss, the reviews are LEGIT, not shills and sockpuppets!
Now let me tell you all about how his characters feel like real people and how the world of Ruin Mist comes alive on each page…
Breeanna on 3 April 2014, 16:53 said:
VikingBoyBilly Aaaaahhhh there is such a reason I ditched the fake time system.Coby ParrishI have to say I found it hard to follow what you were trying to get across to me, but thank you for trying to help. I do appreciate that you put time/effort in
Tim on 6 April 2014, 13:42 said:
Dude, you need this more than she does. At your stage of writing, you should not be giving advice because you should be much too busy learning the craft yourself.
You know you ought to have removed all the forum RP notes before you posted this, we really don’t need them.
Your world seems to suffer from a serious case of reification, in that many of the “streams” you list are not actually things that exist, but abstract ideas. “Stealth” which you list later is a property of someone’s actions, not a thing that exists on its own, and “red” is the ability to reflect certain wavelengths of light; you see something as red because it reflects red, it’s no more actually red than a reflection in a mirror is a real person.
This seems more like a prototype for a videogame world than a story world, what with the focus on power levels and attacks and the like. When discussing a system of magic, what it isn’t able to do, how it is enacted and what force it draws from is far more important than which stream goes in your primary spell slot and which one goes in your secondary.
As well as the aforementioned fact that stealth is not a real thing, how does controlling the ability to stay hidden give you control of either light or your opponent’s ability to perceive you? Stealth is about becoming metaphorically invisible, not literally invisible.
What makes them legendary, and who writes the legends? Indeed, if they’re real, why are they regarded as legendary, unless we’re stuck in CCG / CRPG land where it just means “really rare?”
I’ve been through this elsewhere, but I’ll say it again; this is not how societies function. The highest castes are organisers, not people with technical skills; you never hear of medieval societies controlled by blacksmiths and even knights were usually second to nobility in feudal systems of order, even though the knights could beat up the kings if they wanted to. Even in tribal societies where people believe shamans and mystics do have supernatural powers, it’s pretty rare for the shaman to also be the chief.
And caste systems never work like that because caste systems depend on a lack of social mobility. There’s no way you could sustain this when you have no ability to control who is and isn’t a mystic and most mystics will be commoners, simply on the basis that there are more of them than nobles.
Think these things through. Don’t just slap down the first idea that comes into your head and say you wrote it in an hour so it’s ok for an hour’s work. Go back, go over with a fine tooth comb, make sure you understand every word you wrote and every consequence those words have.
Enslaving the vast majority of your world is not economically feasible for any meaningful length of time. Especially when it’s already been established that the people who you have enslaved could themselves turn out to be mystics, since the skill is neither taught nor carried by blood.
Quite apart from the JRPG silliness here (seriously, IRL limit breaks and you’re actually calling them that?), this would mean the alchemists would wield far more power than the mystics, since one alchemist can make any number of mystics he or she chooses to. All it’d really take is for someone to come over all Marx and brand himself a man of the people and suddenly you’d have a whole army of very angry former slaves coming to smack your shit.
Unless I’m misreading this, mystics are humans, they’re just born already knowing their limit break special thousand swords combo technique method. Unless you’re saying there’s some actual physical difference between mystics and baselines, and if that’s the case, wouldn’t such a difference be transmissible by heritage?
And considering the list of possible streams comprises “literally fucking everything including things that aren’t things,” wouldn’t the vast majority of mystics end up with powers that were completely useless, like controlling salad or ironing?
A mere what?
So you have a huge continent (which I can only imagine as a big circle) which primarily consists of an immense void of sod-allness. Reeeeeally seeing the “came up with this in an hour” part right here, you know.
That’s like saying “method of government: government.” Polytheism is an entire category of religions which includes most faiths; it casts a net so wide that some argue it even includes the Triune God of Christianity. In any case, how one interprets religion is very highly dependent on circumstances (because any book big enough to contain God is a book big enough to find yourself in instead), so really every country should have their own take on this religion, even in the unlikely case that there’s only one religion for an entire continent.
Which have we suddenly switched from cod-Latin names to cod-Japanese names? Did some other culture get to name the Gods?
So they want to overthrow four despotic kingdoms who enslave humans due essentially super racism and this makes them…terrorists?
In what way does “they want to rule over the four kingdoms” equate to “they want to kill all the baselines?” You can’t really rule over a country if you’ve killed everyone you were going to rule over.
This is “year zero history;” only a series of vague things have happened before the present, then suddenly out of nowhere a conflict randomly occurs for reasons which have been present all along. History doesn’t work like this; why did an organisation suddenly appear at an oasis in the middle of a giant desert? Where is the chain of events which explain why this specific thing happened at this specific time and no other?
Go grab yourself some textbooks on development history; any Osprey guide will help you, as will most things about battleship development or WW2 tech (particularly rockets, computers and radar). Notice that the histories are a combination of events and things people did (and often why they did them) which mesh together to form a series where the final result is the culmination of all things before it. Not “some shit happened and people were fighting without radar for a long time, then someone came along and invented radar.”
It’s also absolute history, which is inauthentic. Real history is a vague beast, based on what people wanted to remember and who could afford to write things down (most of our history is thus the views of the upper and later also the middle classes, as a result) and differs from person to person, nevermind country to country. For a casual example, who’s names for the countries are these? It’s fine for a POV character to use a single set of names for countries, but in real life they’d presumably have their own languages and have to filter each other’s names through the sounds actually available to them and the things they thought they heard; Beijing becomes Peking, Moskva becomes Moscow, etc. Describing history in a single omniscient voice removes all traces of personality from the world you’re describing.
Also, for a continent stricken by a lack of resources, the individual countries you describe don’t seem to, well, lack resources.
Why would they think their neighbour would be so utterly stupid as to launch unprovoked attacks on three countries at the same time? And wouldn’t the guys who’ve been living in the desert presumably for hundreds of years, you know, not look local? And have trouble getting access to armour and weapons and foreign military insignia? How does a tribe living in an oasis get hold of money to buy weapons or coal and iron to make them? Did they just ask medieval General Shepherd (who dost not care about ye dangere close) to lend them a hand?
How are they ever going to become sufficiently weak that a bunch of assholes living in the middle of a desert the size of the Siberian plateau can annex four entire countries?
So one of these countries that isn’t self-sufficient even though geographically it would have to be. And if Robigo knows Tumultus exists, how come nobody else does?
If Robigo has “insanely strong military defence” wouldn’t that require them to have, um, the strongest military? If Iuvenes has a military that’s stronger and more advanced, wouldn’t they have been the ones targeted for medieval No Russian’ing?
Also, if they don’t support slavery, why aren’t they nominal allies of the rebels? You’d think they’d be all for helping a group that they agree with ideologically, and short-sighted support of a rebel group your interests coincide with in exactly one way is hardly without real-life precident.
Gold selling, haxoring and grinding?
What does she do if you turn off the lights
Seriously we have a character here defined entirely in terms of her personal combat abilities. She’s a monarch, wouldn’t it matter more how well she’s viewed in political terms, what policies and mandates define her rule and who her allies and enemies are? When is she ever going to have the chance to use her mad crazy bloodbending skillz?
Why?
But Iuvunes has the “most advanced army,” so how can it have that if another power has the most advanced technology? I doubt a country on the opposite side of a massive desert would be able to contract out production of equipment.
Pfffft.
Very simple piece of advice; if you’re making a fifteen year old male character and you yourself are male and anywhere near fifteen, don’t make that character.
Aw shit dawg I wanted to bone him now you’ve spoiled it
Seriously why is this here.
Your example character is…a spikey-haired anime in purple wizard robes.
…
I’m not even going to start.
Oh great, he has a BerserkButton™. Your character descriptions should never sound like you’re mentally writing your own TVTropes page for the character.
Setting yourself up with an excuse for it not being very good doesn’t exactly radiate confidence. If you’re not going to show people your very best work as an example, why not?
You’re not really doing faulting correctly here. It’s more than “must have one combat-related fault per ludicrous twinky combat-related power,” it’s about giving a character enough flaws to make them a human being the reader can identify with. What you’re doing here is how you’d mechanically balance a character in a video game or tabletop RPG that’s entirely about combat. There’s nothing real about this guy that makes me interested in learning more about his story and who he is. Real people have thoughts, hopes, dreams, history, friends, family; this guy is just a series of unjustified personality traits bulldozed into a heap with some silly powers thrown on the top.
An obsession with gaining power through “training” is generally a sign of a pulpy anime series. But how does this actually work? Powerlifting wouldn’t give him bigger muscles, but if he got a job stacking boxes he would?
“Naive and inexperienced” is about the only genuine character flaw you get in this list, and it’s a classic Sue trait since it means whatever you want it to mean and is usually depicted as cute and charming (the other classic Sue non-flaw is “clumsy”).
I thought you just said he sucked at fighting plz 2 make up mind
How does “life” (which is usually conceptualised as “birth” or “growth”) equate to a storehouse of the original forms of all things? And how does this restore an organism to a specific age, wouldn’t it be at the moment that thing was given life and hence turn you into a diploid egg cell when you tried to heal a cut in your arm?
Your high-middle-ages world knows about DNA, which was only discovered to be responsible for heredity in 1943? Is there a Stream of Extremely Specific Knowledge they used to find that out ahead of time?
Asahel on 6 April 2014, 14:21 said:
Tim, I know we don’t often agree, but I wanted you to know that I did enjoy that lengthy dissection there. It’s always good to think through things.
Breeanna on 6 April 2014, 17:55 said:
@tim,
Interesting. I learned a lot from that…
Epke on 6 April 2014, 18:38 said:
Rekkalu Polamalu: There’s only one way to defeat Tumultus… Iron their shirts!
Party: No! Not their shirts! The Stream was never meant to be used for that!
Rakaku Prackemu: It’s the only way! <starts ironing>
Tumultus Goon: Noooo! The wrinkles! They are fading! Oh cruel, cruel world….!
<coughs> Dwemer <coughs>
Dear me, I need a glass of water.
I’d also like to take this moment to point out that when you have a magic/supernatural power/mako system, establishing what it can’t do is more important that what it can.
Also, “Animation” er… Impure World Resurrection, but without the human sacrifices.
swenson on 6 April 2014, 21:28 said:
Agreeeeed. So much agreed.
My general approach to magic systems is to figure out the basics of how it works (does it rely on willpower? On carefully-prepared summoning circles? On communing with nature? etc.), then figure out what the boundaries and limitations are, and then try to figure out what’s possible within those limitations. Honestly I think you get a lot more interesting of systems that way, when you don’t have the easy out of just giving the protagonist a new magical ability. When you have to work within the system that’s created, you and your characters get a whole lot more creative.
Coby Parrish on 6 April 2014, 21:34 said:
My thrashing was thorough. XD
I thank you for actually helping me.
@Breeanna: I apologize for my arrogance and thinking I could judge you.
breeanna on 7 April 2014, 12:38 said:
@coby
You were only trying to help it seems. :)
goldedge on 8 April 2014, 01:14 said:
@coby how about instead of this:
how about this?:
oh and that Animation ability sound kind of like Breath from warbreaker
goldedge on 8 April 2014, 01:20 said:
@Breeanna: I got to ask you this question: when you first wrote this book did you let anyone beta read the book before published this?
Tim on 8 April 2014, 01:52 said:
That only works if the “objects or their wielder” are somehow not part of the real world.
Breeanna on 8 April 2014, 02:00 said:
@Goldedge
Not any critical/constructive ones.
I didn’t have anyone and I didn’t really grow up in a literary home so I had to figure the publishing thing out on my own…I was basically a new born fawn in the dangerous forest of publishing.
Tim on 8 April 2014, 02:49 said:
Breeanna, try these.
Tim on 8 April 2014, 02:51 said:
Also you can do a lot worse than the book “How Not to Write a Novel” for a list of don’ts from a couple of actual editors.
Breeanna on 8 April 2014, 13:17 said:
@Tim
Hey thanks! I’m going to take a look at these!(when I’m not drowning in school work that is, lol)
Coby Parrish on 8 April 2014, 13:25 said:
Ah….well I started over again and began to rework the whole concept of it and such. If anyone would care to hear it?
@Breeanna: Once again I apologize for being arrogant and judging you.