Heard of Twilight? Of course you have. Maybe you’ve even read the books, in which case I pity you. Or you’ve seen the films. Again, pity. But spare a thought for a moment for someone like me who has done neither. Sure, my sanity remains intact, as does the safety seal on my bottle of brain bleach, but I’m now woefully behind the times. And with the last movie releasing later this year, it’s about time I jumped on this bandwagon –shoddily written constructed and smelly as it is— and found out what the fuss is all about. I have a few options.
1)Read the books. Now, this one I’ve attempted. Three times. But after a few pages of whining and moping, I gave up. I hear it doesn’t get better. So, I won’t be doing this option.
2)Watch the films. Since it’s quicker than the above, and without the painful prose, why not? I’m not a teenage girl, that’s why (not since the operation, at least). A collective 8+ hours of K Stewart biting her bottom lip and well-sculpted Adoneis (I think that’s the Classical Greek plural; it’s been a while) flashing their abs just doesn’t do it for me. And yes, I know that’s what the movies are about. See below.
3)Watch the trailers. Now this is appealing. The whole story distilled into two minutes of brooding looks, abs, and laughable dialogue.
Note: I got the idea from a Cracked.com article that did something similar to this for the Harry Potter films. All credit for the original idea goes to them.
Twilight. Or: That movie with the sexy, sparkling vampires.
What’s in the Trailer?
We open with a brief view of the same forest from Alan Wake and Silent Hill. It’s rather dull and washed-out looking. I imagine the rest of the trailer will be suitably so. And in the background… is that Lord of the Rings music? Okay.
Switch to a depressing looking high school (aren’t they all?), and we see our heroine. Since this is aimed at teenagers, and since I have a pulse and am therefore aware of pop culture, I’m guessing she’s special, rebellious, misunderstood, and goes by the name Bella. Her plain expression and appearance never changes. That’s to make it easier for teenage girls to self-insert (God, that sounds dirty).
And what’s this? Cedric Digory’s staring, I mean, brooding from across the parking lot. Is this going to be some weird published HP fanfic? I hope so. Especially since this series eventually got its own crappy published fanfic series series.
Suddenly a van skids towards our vacant-eyed Bella. But before she can die, Cedric apparates over and blocks it with his hand. Machina Repelo?
Bella’s expression doesn’t change one bit (nor will it for the rest of the trailer) and off flounces Cedric. Now’s the point where we the audience gasp and ask: how did he do that? Is he magic? Super strong? Did the van driver have insurance? Why are we asking these questions when even though the most reclusive of people (yours truly included) know he’s a vampire?
We cut to Bella saying: “You’re impossibly fast. And strong. You gotta give me some answers.” They’re called steroids.
Then she mentions radioactive spiders and Kryptonite as Cedric rips up a rotten tree for no particular reason. Uh, Bella? Even I know Kryptonite doesn’t give you super powers. Then a couple of pale people fly around on wires for no reason while Cedric says it sounds like superhero stuff, but what if he’s the bad guy? Hear that? That was the sound of millions of teenagers getting girl boners.
We then get a few scenes of brooding and hanging out, and Bella finally puts together what Cedric being pale and ice cold means. He’s a zombie? No. Whatever the male version of a yuki-onna is (yuki-otoko?) Still no. But dibs on the snow-person paranormal romance idea. It’ll be… cool.
…sorry.
And the big reveal, uttered by an eerie close-up of Bella’s expressionless lips: vampire. Wow, did this trailer just spoil the entire film’s premise, as well-known as it is?
Lots more pretty scenery, then some kissing and hard-core eye contact. Seriously, is this whole thing just teenage girl porn?
Then the cops show up to arrest Cedric for statutory rape. Wait, no, it’s just Freddy Mercury telling Bella some guy got killed by an animal. As he says animal, we see a human silhouette doing a frog-like jump. This is film-making at its most subtle, but I’m still guessing it’s no animal. Thankfully, the trailer refrains from playing “DUN-DUN-DUN!”
Then Bob Marley, a shirtless, adult Draco, and Fergie’s sister strut from the pages of Cosmo and onto the set. These are the designated bad guys. How can we tell? They stare down Cedric and his family as they play baseball. The great American pastime, interrupted? Must be commies. I’d bet good money that the full film extends this into some sort of uplifting dance-off/song about true love, teamwork, and the importance of family.
Cut to after the big musical number and Cedric takes a (info) dump all over Bella. The bad guys are hunters. They don’t feel pity, or remorse. And they absolutely will not stop until Bella is dead. So now we have the weirdest Harry Potter/LoTR/Silent Hill/Terminator crossover fic. And it sucks. Not literally, as these vampires just seem to pounce, flounce, and look fabulouth!
Bob Marley exposits how Draco is Gary Stu-ed as fuck, and Cedric vows to protect Bella.
More vampires doing wire-fighting jumps, and we finally get some action! But these guys suck at fighting. For supposed perfect, amazing predators, they do a lot of posing, hissing, and shoving. Even a Miyagi-style wax on wax off training session would make a world of difference. Then again, the only waxing these guys know is their legs and chests. Again, I’d bet this is a lead in to another dance-off. The scene is in what looks like a dance studio, after all. More swooping, and a little property damage from Cedric and Draco to show this film is hardcore.
Then we end on Cedric telling Bella that she’s his life now. I can almost hear the filmmakers nudging me saying: “But he’s an undead wizard zombie/vampire! He doesn’t have a life of his own! Get it? Huh? Huh?”
No.
A lightning bolt (signifying the HP roots of the series?) and the word Twilight in case we fell asleep and forgot what we were watching.
What I think it’s actually about:
Bella moves to the gloomy town of Silent Hill, and on her first day of school is saved by a reanimated Cedric Digory. Of course, they fall in love.
After much brooding, she figures out he’s a vampire, but a good one, Then bad ones show up, ruin the Digorys’ baseball game, and try to kill Bella because… I don’t know, she’s the future mother of a great vampire hunter?
A baseball-themed dance-off converts the Bob Marley lookalike to their side, Fergie’s sister dies (we never see her again) and Draco goes all Terminator on Bella’s ass.
There’s a lot of brooding and angsting, before they decide to settle things with a mano-a-mano dance off with vaguely homoerotic undertones (again, girl porn) between Cedric and Draco. Things get a little heated, and they literally tear up the dance floor. Draco vanishes in a huff, vowing to train harder for the next fight in the sequel. Meanwhile, Cedric and Bella do it.
Next Episode: New Moon. Or Twilight 2: Furry Boogaloo
swenson on 4 August 2012, 09:27 said:
I laughed. :D
Having just watched the Terminator a few days ago, I also approve strongly of the Terminator reference.
Soupnazi on 4 August 2012, 11:07 said:
Okay, how about no? You are aware of the offensiveness behind using that word in this sort of context, right?
Tim on 4 August 2012, 11:08 said:
It did back in the old days, young whippersnapper. Why, back then we have two dozen kinds of Kryptonite, and that boy Jimmy Olsen, why, he darn got heself superpowers every Thursdays and some Tuesdays. These days all you youngsters needs is to go down to the store and you’ll have the power to carry a box of invisible records around and play them on your invisible gramaphone and have invisible robots bring you mail and suchlike. Durn youngsters don’t know they’re born, not needing to mutate themselves with radiation and spiders like your grandparents, grumble grumble.
Tim on 4 August 2012, 11:09 said:
Nobody has the right to not be offended.
Pryotra on 4 August 2012, 14:06 said:
There is no male Yuki-onna. Therefore, Edward is a crossdressing Yuki-onna.
Fireshark on 4 August 2012, 21:09 said:
Yes, but it’s certainly not polite to use words that are likely to offend others, when doing so serves no real purpose. I used to use the word “retarded” in this manner (I’ve done it here before), so I’m being a bit of a hypocrite, but I’ve learned over time that it is hurtful to many people. As a rule, I try to avoid doing it now, unless I’m certain that nobody I’m speaking to will take offense.
Soupnazi on 5 August 2012, 11:16 said:
O_O Not quite sure what just happened here, but apologies if I was a bit harsh over my dislike of the usage of that word.
Fireshark on 5 August 2012, 15:39 said:
Don’t worry, the Earth’s still spinning.
Fell Blade on 6 August 2012, 11:06 said:
Haha, this is great. This is actually an improvement on the story!
VikingBoyBilly on 6 August 2012, 16:17 said:
Norwegian frost giants? Wendigos? I read too much mythology.
Juracan on 7 August 2012, 13:11 said:
Yes. Yes, it is.
This is a great article— I too, have not seen nor read Twilight, but I have read enough critique and sporks on the Internet to know more than I really should. I loved that it’s finally from the perspective of someone who only goes by the trailer (why hasn’t this franchise’s marketing been criticized more?).
Good job; I’m excited to see what you do for New Moon