My second day in the white room. The disembodied voice has been kind enough to provide me with a Rubik’s cube to play with. Unfortunately there’s little else to do besides try to solve the cube, throw it when I get frustrated, and sleep some more. The voice occasionally deigns to speak to me, but only if I ask the time of day—even then it will only say that it isn’t necessary to know the time to complete my reading test.
“It is time to continue your test,” says the voice. “Please proceed to the library.”
I set the unfinished cube on my pillow and go through the library door.
“Please read chapter 1. When you are finished, mark your place with the provided bookmark and exit the library.”
“Alright,” I say. I look at the inside cover once more, making a mental note to ask for a pencil and paper so I can copy the map later.
— — —
Chapter 1: Discovery
: “Hm hm hm, today seems like a good day to chase this deer I’ve been chasing for three days.” 
Deer: [limp limp]
: “You’ll never escape me now!”
Night: [shatters]
: 
Deer: “Loser.” [runs off]
: “What the hell was that noise? Deer don’t make that kind of kaboom when they’re shot! I’M SCARED!” 
Egg: [fizzle]
: [pokes with arrow] “Hmm, my arrow hasn’t burst into flame. I bet it’s safe to pick up!”
Egg: [smooth, glistening, hardened silk, pretty]
: “Er, hmm, I don’t know what this is. It’s probably a little dangerous, since it appeared in a firey explosion and all. Maybe it was meant for me!”
Crickets: [chirp]
: “I should sell it to that jerkface Sloan. Then maybe it’ll make his house explode…I am a genius. Okay, good night moon.” [stuffs egg in pack and goes to sleep]
Kitty: 
— — —
I put the bookmark at the end of “Discovery”, which is a bit short for a chapter…maybe I can continue to chapter 2.
Something knocks me onto the floor with lightning speed. I look up, and I can see a clawed metal arm disappear into an open ceiling panel, which closes with a short whrr.
I get up.
“Please refrain from reading ahead,” says the voice.
Without thinking, I nod at the ceiling where the arm disappeared.
“Thank you. Tomorrow you will return to read chapter 2.”
I look around for any cameras, but just like yesterday, there are none.
— — —
Day three. I think. I’ve been sleeping so much I have a hard time keeping track of the days myself, it’s only the chapter-reading that assures me my internal calendar is still functioning.
Speaking of the book, I’m a little afraid of asking the voice for the paper and pencil necessary to copy the map. What if it decides to not let me have it? I don’t need to copy the map, really, but it makes things easier for me if I can track where the story is going.
I twist the Rubik’s cube aimlessly.
“It is time to continue your test. Please proceed to the library.”
With the door sliding shut behind me and the voice saying its usual words, I open Eragon again.
— — —
Chapter 2: Palancar Valley
Sun: [rises with a glorious conflagration of pink and yellow]
CP: [takes several adjectives to describe things]
—
Later…
—
: “Hey Sloan, I need to buy from you!”
: “Get AIDS and die.”
: “Oh, you. Anyway, I don’t have money—”
: “Leave.”
: “No, I have something to pay for all the meat I have to buy! Here!” [plunks egg on counter]
: “Where’d you get this?”
: “I found it in the middle of an explosion in the Spine.”
: “Choke on a cock.”
: 
: [enters shop] “Dad, stop being such a douche.”
: “Yeah, what she said.”
: “Horst to the rescue! Don’t worry, I’ll buy you, uh, your meat.”
: “Horst, you’re the coolest!”
—
Even later…
—
: “Hello nephew, where did you get all that meat? All that can’t come off a deer. Or something.”
: [retelling]
: “Oh okay.”
: “I found this rock! It’s really shiny and blue and pretty.” 
: “Gee, that’s probably worth a ton. You should ask the traders when they get here how much you could sell it for.”
: “Yay!”
Kitty: 
— — —
I carefully put the bookmark at the end of chapter 2 and turn to leave.
“Thank you. Tomorrow you will return to read chapter 3.”
The Rubik’s cube still sits on my pillow, unsolved.
Lucywannabe on 10 January 2009, 13:29 said:
Bwahaha! That’s wonderful, Kitty. I was grinning the whole time I read it (love the smilies).
Can’t wait to see more.
falconempress on 10 January 2009, 14:10 said:
the parts about the room and disembodied voice remind me of “Portal”.
anyways – great work! very amusing:)
DrAlligator on 10 January 2009, 14:24 said:
You are brilliant. Nice to see the rubik’s cube managed to sneak its way in. XD
And yeah, falconempress, those parts were based on Portal, I believe.
SubStandardDeviation on 10 January 2009, 15:11 said:
Hehee, Rubik’s Companion Cube.
DrAlligator, are you a co-conspirator of Kitty?
Let’s see, the most brilliant part would have to be…the panicking flaming sun. No pun intended. And the gratuitous “Goodnight Moon” reference.
DrAlligator on 10 January 2009, 16:09 said:
Nah, but I was chatting to her before/as she wrote this. And as the story goes, she was annoyed because she wanted to mess around with a Rubik’s Cube, but it was already completed and she didn’t want to ruin someone else’s time and effort. And then it landed here.
Oh, and SSD, you’ll prolly recognise me better as Winged from UB/DEM. By a different name. :P
SubStandardDeviation on 10 January 2009, 16:15 said:
I never joined DEM. But the name does sound vaguely familiar.
MegaB on 10 January 2009, 16:28 said:
Aha nice! Although, that was one of the better chapters in Eragon. I thought that from the time Eragon gets the egg until he leaves Palancar valley, was quite a solid foundation for the series to kick off.
I’d love to see what you’d do with the Murtagh and Arya chapters though!
Kevin on 10 January 2009, 16:42 said:
Awesome.
Gildor on 10 January 2009, 17:09 said:
Portal reference, nice.
Love it, I’ll be waiting for more.
DrAlligator on 10 January 2009, 17:11 said:
I’m hurt you’ve forgotten me, SSD. :’(
We were fellow fanwankers of MGS.
Addie on 10 January 2009, 23:43 said:
Simply hilarious, Kitty. :)
Rand on 10 January 2009, 23:47 said:
Wow, that is an amazing, very creative set up for a skeptical book reading. The greatest bit was the hand from the ceiling. The story within a story is very unique. Not to mention, story in question is Eragon!
Jeni on 11 January 2009, 17:23 said:
Hah. Hahahaha. Hahahahahahaha.
That was like a bandage to the soul. Or a glass of water with ice cubes. Or a hot chocolate. Or I suck at analogies.
Virgil on 11 January 2009, 23:36 said:
Like peanut butter to ammonium nitrate, right Jeni?
Awesome stuff Kitty.
OverlordDan on 12 January 2009, 18:06 said:
That little smiley on fire always cheers me up.
I should probably look into that…
Anyway, Thanks!
Anonymous on 7 July 2009, 03:30 said:
I can solve a Rubik’s Cube!!! yay
Anyway, BRILLIANT, Kitty!!! 200,000,000,000,000,000,000 out of 100. Yeah, ur that gd.
lozzielaurenluvseragon4eva!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! on 12 July 2010, 07:22 said:
HELLO??????????????????????????…………..
WHO WRITES THIS??????? IS THERE ACTUALLY ANYTHING ABOUT ERAGON IN THIS CUZ I COULDNT EVEN BOTHER READING IT I JUST SCROLLED DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Puppet on 12 July 2010, 10:29 said:
You could call this an “abridged” version of Eragon. If you want articles on Eragon there are plenty.
Here’s Everything Wrong With Eragon.