SlyShy and I have gone through the newly released bonus chapter of Eragon. For reference, the bonus chapter can be found here.

Enjoy

“He never escaped it”

LS- Umm… Yeah he did… Since this is never mentioned again I assume it stopped. Unless Eragon is actually clinically insane and decides it isn’t worth telling anybody that some imaginary entity is following him.
SS- Deciding that would probably make him not insane.

“You can’t stay here forever. Eventually you will have to face us. And then you will die.”

LS- Oh no, he did it again. Apparently CP refuse to believe that his readers are competent at all, because he didn’t think words like “dark phantasm” or “malevolent” would clue us in to the fact that this thing is evil, so he felt he needed to add in a way overly dramatic phrase like: “And then you will die” so we could figure it out.
SS- I have more faith in his readers. Good for me.

“He was miserable, yet slept on, too weary to wake. The bed shook as he tossed violently, twisting the blanket into knots.”

SS- I’m pretty sure he wasn’t that weary, considering the way he is tossing violently. As, unless your bed is made of cardboard and lint, it’s pretty hard to shake. Then again, even pissing yourself is dangerous to that kind of bed. I understand that blankets to knots is an expression of speech, but I think it is a pretty retarded one. I hope he is twisting a noose around his neck, so when he wakes up Gertrude can summarily hang him.

“I wasn’t going to wake you, but the wind caught the door and tore it right out of my hand.”

SS- There are three possibilities here: 1) Alagaesia is located in the center of New Orleans and is about to get utterly destroyed by hurricane Gustav, 2) Gertrude is about as strong as a malnourished five year old who is also drowning, or 3) her entire house is made of cardboard, and Eragon really shouldn’t be taking advantage of the unemployed.
LS- In the case of number three, Eragon wetting himself would be a lot worse than we originally thought.

“do you want to eat?” “Very much so!” he said, nodding emphatically.”

LS- This is not how real people act.
SS- Unless you are being offered sex baked goods, in which case you always act like that.

“He hasn’t gotten any worse.” But that means he hasn’t gotten any better.”

LS- Captain obvious always has to have the last word.
SS- Actually, that isn’t a logical conclusion at all. If I say my ego hasn’t gotten any larger, nobody would conclude it wasn’t gotten any smaller. (It’s actually gotten larger)

Comment [6]

Yes, I am so bored and so angered by how terrible this book is I have decided to point out everything I can find that is wrong with it.

Prologue: Shade of Fear

This book is terrible from, believe it or not, the very first sentence.

“Wind howled through the night, carrying a scent that would change the world.” (Paolini p.1)

- With a first sentence like that it is easy to take this book seriously.

“He looked human” – (p.1)

- Since all humans look exactly the same readers can easily picture what the Shade looks like.

“Stop whoever is coming… or die.” – (p.1)

- Since all of his readers are incompetent, Christopher Paolini just has to make sure we can understand that this extremely complex character is evil.

“The monsters hurried into the brush, grunting as the hid.” – (p. 1)

- True masters of stealth.

“He remained unnaturally quite, a long pale sword in hand… hack through the hardest armor.” – (p.1)

-Hmm… This sounds familiar… “Slid forward on silent feet… The pale sword… sliced through ringmail as if it were silk.” – A Game of Thrones (Martin p.10)

“The [sword] was thin enough to slip between a pair of ribs,” – (p.1) (Yes,6 problems with page 1.)

- Just about every sword is. Thanks, Paolini, for more meaningless detail.

“the Urgals shrank back, motionless.” – (p.2)

- No sarcastic comment for this one. It’s just impossible to shrink back without moving.

“They were tools,” – (p.2)

-Yes, yes they were. You got it right for once, Paolini! (Sorry)

“Three white horses with riders cantered toward the ambush, their heads held high and proud, their coats rippling in the moonlight like liquid silver.” – (p.2)

-Again, masters of stealth.

“Elven lady,” – (p.2) “Elven lady,” – (p.3) “She leapt off the animal with inhuman speed.” (p.3)

-I don’t think I am intelligent enough to figure out if she is an elf or human. Please help, CP.

“A cry tore from the elf’s lips” – (p.3) “The elf pulled open the pouch,” – (p.4) “Flew toward the elf,” – (p.4) “strode to the elf.” – (p.4)“unconscious elf.” – (p.4) “After tying the elf” – (p.5)

- Thanks, CP! I knew I could count on you!

“spoken in a wretched language only he knew” – (p.4)

- Umm… Right… Definition of language: The words, their pronunciation, and the methods of combining them used and understood by a community.

Discovery

“he strung his bow” – (p.7)

- Eragon is hunting a deer. The moment he sees the deer is when he decides to string the bow. Stringing a bow is hard work and is usually something you would do before you set out hunting. It is not something that can be done in a few seconds. It is extremely inopportune to string a bow once the deer you have been tracking is in sight. Christopher Paolini obviously has no idea what he is talking about.

“drew three arrows and nocked one, holding the others in his left hand.” – (p.7)

- Holding two arrows along with a bow in one hand is extremely uncomfortable and would make your shots extremely inaccurate. A skilled hunter, like Eragon supposedly is, would not do this. Either CP, again, has no idea what he is talking about or Eragon has a secret third arm.

“He cursed and spun around, instinctively nocking another arrow.” – (p.7)

- There is absolutely no reason Eragon would need to spin around to nock an arrow. Not only is the thought of having to spin around to nock an arrow ridiculous but that would then mean he loses the sight of the target. This is definitely not something he would want to do.

“Eragon watched for danger for several long minutes… Cautiously, he released the tension from his bow and moved forward.” – (p.7)

-What happened to Eragon the brave, who was the only hunter who dared hunt in the Spine? He is so brave that he stares at a blue stone for several minutes with an arrow pulled, afraid it is dangerous.

“He nudged it with an arrow, then jumped back.” – (p.7)

- So brave!

“The stone was cool and frictionless” – (p.7)

- No. It wasn’t. Nothing can be frictionless. If it was frictionless it would slip out of his fingers and slide around the world forever.

“Where did it come from? Does it have a purpose? … Was it sent here by accident or am I meant to have it?” – (p.8)

-These are supposed to be questions the reader asks him or her self. CP is so worried that the reader is to dumb to think about it on their own that he actually shoves them into the book.

“It weighed several pounds, though it felt lighter than it should have… It would be tiresome to carry.” – (p.8)

-Apparently, the almighty Eragon is daunted by the thought of carrying a few extra pounds. Even though he can keep an arrow pulled on he bow for several long minutes, which is no easy task. As you will notice, Christopher Paolini just loves contradicting himself.

Palancar Valley

“The sun rose the next morning with a glorious conflagration of pink and yellow.” – (p.9)

- Definition of conflagration: A large destructive fire. No, CP, the sun rise was not a glorious, large, and destructive inferno.

“You refuse to sell to me!” – (p.13)

-The butcher just refused to sell meat to Eragon so Eragon decides to say this. Thanks, captain obvious.

“He was Carvahall’s smith.” – (p.13)

- Carvahall as a small farmer town. Exactly the kind of town that would not have a blacksmith.

“the two of you were almost at blows” – (p.15)

-Things in the book get overly dramatic very fast. This was an argument about how to pay for meat.

“But that’s no reason to refuse payment.” – (p.18)

- Yes, it is so terrible that somebody doesn’t trade large amounts of meat for a pretty rock. Especially when nobody knows it’s worth.

Dragon Tales

“Beside the bed was a row of shelves covered with objects he had collected… twisted pieces of wood… bits of shells… rock that had broken to reveal shiny interiors, and strips of dry grass tied into knots… a root so convoluted he never tired of looking at it.” – (p.19)

- I actually feel bad for Eragon. Sadly, this is the only time in the entire story.

“I’m sure there was a good reason for what she did; I only wish I knew what it was.” – (p.20)

- More things the reader is supposed to think about their selves being shoved into the book.

“Who was his father?” – (p.20)

- Again… CP, do you really think we are so dumb that you have to tell us what to think? If your story is at all good the reader should care enough to ask this themselves.

“Which he devoured hungrily.” – (p.20)

- The only time you ever devour something is when you are hungry…

“What happened to make them like this? And why are they so late?” – (p.23)

- Yet again, CP shoves questions you should be able to think about yourself into the text.

“harder even than diamond.” – (p.24)

- The only way to find that out is to break a diamond with the stone. According to the book the trader did not do that.

“I doubt I could do anything to harm this stone, even if I took a hammer to it.” – (p.25)

- Obviously, if the stone is harder than diamond a hammer wouldn’t do anything.

“Two boys from Carvahall wrestled nearby, but he felt no inclination to join them.” – (p.27)

-This is completely useless information. Unless CP is trying to tell us that on most occasions Eragon would not pass up wrestling with young boys, this does not need to be in the book.

“The shiny-black Urgal horns, their twisted span as great as his outstretched arms.” – (p.27)

- Urgals are previously described in the novel as resembling thick men. These horns are ridiculously sized in comparison to the size of an Urgal.

“The Empire” – (p.28)

-Really, CP? Couldn’t think of a name for your own evil controlling government so you took it from Star Wars?

“‘There’s going to be trouble if they stay much longer.’ ‘For us or them?’ ‘Them,’” -(p.30)

- This is a comment on a simple political argument in a bar with some traders. Good job attacking people for having different beliefs.

“Through their training he passed. Exceeding all others in skill. Gifted with a sharp mind and strong body, he quickly took his place among the Riders’ ranks. Some saw his abrupt rise as dangerous and warned others, but the Riders had grown arrogant in their power and ignored caution. Alas, sorrow was conceived that day.” – (p.32)

- Where have I heard this before? Oh, yes, Star Wars. This is the story of Darth Vader. How could I forget?

Fate’s Gift

“So was I meant to have it?” – (p.35)

- Gah… Again… Questions that are not supposed to be read, but thought. (By the reader… Not Eragon…)

“The rocking stopped; the stone became quiet.” – (p.36)

- The “stone” is moving and squeaking but Eragon still thinks it’s a stone. How can CP go on about how smart Eragon is when he can’t figure out the moving, squeaking, oval shaped container is not a stone?

Awakening

“The dragon was no longer than his forearm, yet it was dignified and noble.” – (p.38)

- These things have nothing to do with each other. Length is in no way connected to dignity and nobility.

“But not a stone, he realized, an egg.” – (p.38)

- A chapter too late.

“he made a noose and slipped it over the dragons head… then untied the noose from its neck and fashioned a makeshift harness for its legs so the dragon would not strangle itself.” – (p.41)

- Why on earth would he even think of making a noose for his dragon?

“Both Garrow and Roran noted his behavior and asked why he spent so much time outside.” – (p.44)

- Eragon is a poor farm boy. I am assuming he has always spent much of his time outside, seeing how there would have been nothing else to do.

Tea For Two

“‘Ah, I see you didn’t know your namesake,’ said Brom. ‘Why was I named after an elf?’” – (p.50)

- Because CP thought it would be sweet if it was totally obvious you were destined to be the greatest dragon rider ever and the first of the new generation.

“‘It took our ancestors another three centuries to arrive here and join the Riders.’ ‘That can’t be,’ protested Eragon. ‘We’ve always lived in Palancar Valley.” – (p.51)

- I can’t comprehend how CP can describe Eragon as smart when things like this keep happening.

“Eragon scowled” – (p.51)

- Yes, Eragon is scowling because Brom corrected his ridiculous logic. Apparently his ego is so large that he gets angry when it is dented, even a little bit.

“This was his home, regardless who his father was!” – (p.51)

- Nobody ever said otherwise…

“So where did my dragon come from?” – (p.52)

- Not again…

A Name of Power

“I want to marry.” – (p.57) “He shook his head, but whether with amazement or anger, he knew not.” – (p.57) “Roran’s announcement has put him in a foul mood.” – (p.58) “As he talked his voice grew steadily louder until he was yelling pointlessly into the air.” – (p.58) “then ineffectually punched the ground.” – (p.58)

- You want to leave, get married, and be happy!? But you can’t! It’s a small inconvenience to me! Besides, I’m the only thing that is important! I’m a friggin’ dragon rider!

“You are a she!” – (p.58)

- Thanks, captain!

A Miller-To-Be

“It’s madness.” – (p.58)

- Madness? This is Sparta! Kicks Eragon down endless pit (Sorry)

“She understood him better than anyone else.” – (p.60)

- Screw family, I have a dragon!

“I have words for both of you. It’s time I said them, as you are entering the world. Heed them and they will serve you well… First, let no on rule your mind or body. Take special care that your thoughts remain unfettered. One may be a free man and yet be bound tighter than a slave. Give men your ear, but not your heart. Show respect for those in power, but don’t follow them blindly. Judge with logic and reason, but comment not. Consider none your superior, whatever their rank or station in life. Treat all fairly or they will seek revenge. Be careful with your money. Hold fast to you beliefs and others will listen. Of the affairs of love… my only advice is to be honest. That’s your most powerful tool to unlock a heart or gain forgiveness. That is all I have to say.” – (p.64)

- What a wonderful, exceedingly corny, completely unrealistic, and longwinded prepared speech! This totally isn’t a dead give away for what will happen next.

“Eragon collapsed to the ground.” – (p.68)

- The sight of two men with swords coming after him was enough to make him pass out… This is the first time of many. CP loves the idea of people fainting.

Flight of Destiny

“Stop it! Garrow will hear!” – (p.71)

- Eragon was just going to show Saphira to Garrow anyway. Why would it matter?

“Garrow has to be warned. Turn Around!” – (p.71)

- But you just tried to make sure he didn’t hear…

“He gasped as excruciating pain seared through his legs, sending tears to his eyes.” – (p.72)

- Eragon cries very often throughout this book. This is only the first time.

“Stars danced in his eyes as he slid over a rock, but he managed to hold on.” – (p.73-74)

- He almost passed out again. I wont add this to the overall count. I just wanted to point out that he was this close.

“He closed his eyes and felt a single tear slide down his face.” – (p.74)

- He cries again just two pages away from the first incident. Not only does he cry, this time it is a single tear. This is a huge fantasy stereotype and it saddens me beyond belief to actually read the words: single tear. Total cry count: 2.

The Doom of Innocence

“Our wyrds – or fates – bind us” – (p.76)

- Why would you write a word just to have to define it because you thinknobody knows what it means?

“A black plume with orange flames…Thick, oily smoke billowed from the barn, which burned fiercely…Eragon ran to the wreckage, hunting through the rooms.” – (p.77)

- Eragon just ran into a burning building and did not get burned at all. Apparently Eragon is fire-resistant or Paolini simply forgot he wrote that the house was still on fire.

“his vision was blurry and he could barely see. Am I going blind? he wondered. With a shaking hand, he touched his cheeks and found the wet.” – (p.78)

- Cry count: 3

“Without warning, the ground rushed up to meet him. He tasted blood, then blacked out.” – (p.80)

- Black out count: 2

Deathwatch

“Your barn was burned down…. Is that how Garrow was injured?” – (p.82)

- Is there even a point in asking? Garrow is severely burned, so is the barn. This mystery solve itself.

“That’s quite a scar on your palm.” – (p.83)

- This must be one skilled healer. She came to the conclusion that the large, shining, oval on his hand was a scar. Because scars are usually so shiny.

“Eragon remained at the table, his eyes focused on a know in the wood. Every excruciating detail was clear to him: the twisting grain, an asymmetrical bump, three little ridges with a fleck of color. The knot was filled with endless detail; the closer he looked, the more he saw. He searched for answers in it, but if there were any, they eluded him.” – (p.87)

- So many things wrong with this. First of all, “excruciating detail” is right, except I don’t think it is clear to Paolini. This is one of the most pointless paragraphs in the entire book. Why would we care about a knot in a table? And should readers have to suffer reading an entire paragraph about it. Also, why would Eragon search for answers in it? That is the honestly one of the stupidest things I have ever read. “Oh my gosh, my life sucks. Please, knot in this table, tell me why it sucks so much!” “Well, Eragon, it might have something to do with you asking a knot of wood for answers!”

The Madness of Life

“Call him father, He thought bitterly, a right even I don’t have.” – (p.90)

- Because he isn’t your father… He’s your uncle…

“Tears flooded Eragon’s cheeks.” – (p.90)

- Cry count: 4

A Rider’s Blade

“could not stop a fresh flow of tears.” – (p.92)

-Cry count: 5

“‘We have room.’ Horst answered inaudibly.” – (p.92)

- If he actually answered inaudibly Eragon would not have been able to hear it. This obviously was audible.

“It’s not really stealing… If he was going to steal, it might as well be from Sloan.” – (p. 94)

- I thought it’s “not really stealing.”

“Their methods of forging have always remained secret. However, their swords are eternally sharp and will never stain.” – (p.102)

- Hmm… Sounds an awful lot like Valyrian steel from the A Song of Ice and Fire series by George R.R. Martin.

“it appeared to have something resembling a beak” – (p.102)

- The Ra’zac were previously described as having their faces hidden by a hood. How could a hood hide a beak? The beak would stick out.

Saddlemaking

“He pulled the blankets over his head and cried quietly” – (p.107)

- Cry count: 6

“There isn’t a horse alive that could outrun a flying dragon,” – (p.109)

- Why would Brom’s horse need to outrun Eragon’s Dragon? It would need to merely keep up with the dragon.

“But that’ll make it harder to catch the Ra’zac,” – (p.109)

- … He says as he relaxes with Brom.

Therinsford

“He felt honored that of all the people in Alagaesia, she had chosen him.” – (p.112)

- Except she didn’t meet all the people in Alagaesia, just Eragon and whoever had her before him. She just happened to like you, she didn’t have much of a choice.

“You know what? I think you just enjoy speaking in riddles.” – (p.113)

- Actually, no. This is Paolini trying, and failing, to make it more dramatic when you actually learn the things you ask about.

“he collapsed like an empty sack… A splash of cold water roused him” – (p.114)

- Black out count: 3

“When they finished, Eragon flopped on his blankets and groaned. He hurt everywhere – Brom had not been gentle with his stick.” – (p.115)

- Unintentional innuendo, dead ahead!

“You c’n stop right there. This’s my bridge. Gotta pay t’ get over.” – (p.116)

- This is not how people speak. Sorry to say, CP, but talking out a letter in every sentence does not actually make it seem like this is an actual dialect.

“‘Sorry,’ apologized Brom,” – (p.116)

- Yeah, we figured out Brom was apologizing when he said “Sorry.” Saying “apologized” was extremely unnecessary.

“You cut his purse!” – (p.117)

- … He says after watching Brom cut someone’s purse. Captain to the rescue!

“Brom stood and barked, ‘Catch!’ Eragon barely had time to raise his arm and grab the piece of wood before it hit him on the head. He groaned… ‘Not again,’ he complained. Brom just smiled and beckoned with one hand. Eragon reluctantly got to his feet. They whirled around in a flurry of smacking wood, and he backed away with a stinging arm.” – (p.122)

- Unintentional innuendo: The return!

Thunder Roar and Lightning Crackle

“Eragon decided that it would be the wind that drove him crazy first.” – (p.124)

- Because everyone just loves to plan out their insanity…

“‘Brisinger!’ He swore angrily.” – (p.125)

- It’s not aswear word. Does Eragon just assume that if he hasn’t heard a word before then it is automatically a swear word?

Revelation At Yazuac

“Eragon strung his bow” – (p.130)

- Why does he keep unstringing it? If he is paranoid that there will be a trap why would he leave his bow unstrung?

“Tears blurred Eragon’s vision” – (p.131)

- Cry count: 7

“He stared at their open eyes and wondered how life could have left them so easily. What does out existence mean when it can end like this?… A Crow dipped out of the sky… ‘Oh no you don’t,’ snarled Eragon as he pulled back the bowstring and released it with a twang. With a puff of feathers, the crow fell over backward, the arrow protruding from its chest.” – (p.131)

- Oh, the irony. It burns.

“He saw a flicker of movement to his right, then a giant fist smashed him out of the saddle.” – (p.132)

- Eragon was just punched of a horse. Yes, punched in the face, by someone on the ground, when he was on a horse. This is not possible. Eragon’s head would be much to high to be punched by someone on the ground.

“A deafening scream tore out of Eragon as he charged the Urgal, head first… Eragon ducked under the two-handed blow and clawed the Urgal’s side.” – (p.133)

- Eragon just attempted to head butt an Urgal, then proceeded to scratch at it. So manly… But seriously, what happened to all the combat training?

“a wave of exhaustion washed over him. He felt strange and feeble, as if he had not eaten for days. His knees buckled, and he sagged against the wall.” – (p.134)

- Black out count: 4

Admonishments

“Saphira said gravely, You have grown.” – (p.136)

- Why would she say it gravely? As if Eragon learning something is a bad thing. He should learn all he can, because throughout this book he is very stupid.

“With a few deft strokes he cleaned the cut and bandaged it tightly.” – (p.136)

- You can’t clean and bandage a large cut in “a few deft strokes.” It is more work than that.

“Brom’s eyes flashed. ‘This isn’t something you should be taught – much less use!’ ‘Well, I have used it, and I may need it to fight again. But I won’t be able to if you don’t help me. What’s wrong? Is there some secret I’m not supposed to learn until I’m old and wise? Or maybe you don’t know anthing about magic!’ ‘Boy!’ roared Brom. ‘You demand answers with an insolence rarely seen. If you knew what you asked for, you would not be so quick to inquire. Do not try me.’ Eragon rose hotly in protest. ‘I feel as though I’ve been thrust into a world with strange rules that no one will explain.’” – (p.139)

-Wow… That was way too dramatic. I didn’t know there was a soap opera version of Star Wars.

“Saphira interrupted Eragon’s thoughts. Brom is a magician!” – (p.140)

- Uh oh, Eragon. Looks like you have a contender for the Captain Obvious award.

Magic is the Simplest Thing

“‘It is rare for anyone to discover magic on his own,’ he inclined his head toward Eragon,… ‘It may please you to know that no Rider your age ever used magic the way you did yesterday” – (p.144-145)

- Oh, Eragon! You are so wonderful! You must be the best Jed- I mean Rider ever!

“‘Again?’ asked Eragon weakly, thinking of the effort it had taken to do just once. ‘Yes! And this time be quicker about it.’” – (p.149)

- Innuendo returns for the third time.

“I frustrated Eragon that no matter how fast they went, the Ra’zac always stayed a few days ahead of them.” – (p.150)

- Really? Because it seems like that would be obvious, seeing how you guys stop for sword fighting lessons, magic lessons, and lessons in the Ancient Language everyday.

Daret

“May your swords stay sharp,” – (p.155)

- Wait… I thought it was “May the force be with you.:

“With all these Urgals around, it seems that the Empire itself is under attack, yet no troops or soldiers have been sent out. It’s as if the king doesn’t care to defend his domain.” – (p.155)

- Oh, come on. As if it isn’t obvious…

“And you can do this even though you aren’t a Rider?” – (p.156)

- As if that isn’t obvious also…

“Am I supposed to be able to see into people’s minds?” – (p.155)

- Yes, that’s called legilimency. Oh, wait, that’s from Harry Potter.

“How do I know if someone’s prying in my mind? Is there a way to stop that?” – (p.156)

-Yep, that’s occlumency. Oh, oops, that’s Harry Potter also.

Through a Dragon’s Eye

“Eragon nodded, sliding his unstrung bow into its leather tube,” – (p.161)

- Why would he always have his bow unstrung!? He is in danger all the time, yet he never strings his bow until the last moment. It make no sense, whatsoever.

“Do you always see so much blue?” – (p.163)

- What a stupid thing to ask. No, Eragon, she changed how she sees things just to mess with you.

“he string his bow and drew several arrows. If there’s trouble, I’ll be ready for it.” – (p.164)

- First of all, I told you there was no point in unstringing his bow, and that he probably would need it. Second of all, He is stringing his bow while flying on Saphira’s back… That’s just kind of ridiculous. Third, He is drawing several arrows. Three arrows would be a hassle, as I’ve already explained, several arrows would be much worse. There wouldn’t even be enough room in his hands.

“‘Genius!’ exclaimed Brom,” – (p.167)

- Yeah, Eragon says one borderline intelligent thing in the entire first 167 pages so he is a genius.

A Song For the Road

“The sea is emotion incarnate… It defies all attempts to capture it in words and rejects all shackles.” – (p.169)

- If that’s true what was the point of describing it in such a corny way? Why wouldn’t you just say “you can’t describe it” instead of contradicting yourself and making yourself sound stupid?

“O liquid temptress ‘neath the azure sky, Your gilded expanse calls me, calls me. For I would sail ever on, Were it not for the elven maid, Who calls me, calls me. She binds my heart with a lily-white tie, Never to be broken, save by the sea, Ever to be torn twixt the trees and the waves… ‘It’s beautiful,’ said Eragon.” – (p.169-170)

- No, it was very unremarkable, and uncreative.

“Everything about me is turning hard, he thought dryly.” – (p.171)

- More innuendo! It seems training and sparing with Brom every night turns Eragon hard.

“I don’t want our names in anyone’s heads. People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn’t.” – (p.172)

- Yeah, because remembering names is such a terrible thing. God, it is so annoying when people try to be social.

A Taste of Teirm

“Sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong. Again, she said sourly.” – (p.173)

- What are you thinking going into civilization!? Idiot.

“Wha’s yer name?…And who’s th’ other one?… Well, I wus gettin’ to that. This’ed be m’nephew Evan. He’s m’sister’s boy… And yer business here?” – (p.174)

- Seeing how CP makes people talk, I’m not entirely sure he has ever had any human contact. This is nothing like how people talk, or have ever talked.

“Eragon stood at his side, fiddling with the tip of his bow by his waist. I was slung across his back, but right then he wished that is was in his hands.” – (p.176)

- Are you kidding me? Eragon and Brom are in a bar, talking with a bartender. Eragon is so afraid of the bartender he wished he had his bow drawn. All the bartender did was polish a glass…

“Whatever happens, don’t panic or act suspiciously.” – (p.173) “‘Go ahead and sit down. I don’t mind.’ Eragon took a chair and arranged it so his back was to the wall and he faced the door.” – (p.177)

- Seriously… This kid is so stupid…

“Do you have any idea who’s responsible?” – (p.177)

- Come on, as if it isn’t obvious. There is one almighty evil villain in this book, I wonder if he’s behind any of the evil acts? I guess that’s too hard to figure out…

An Old Friend

“I hope I can learn something of Brom’s past, thought Eragon.” – (p.181)

- Because that is how people think.

“‘I fled the city and ran to the…’ Brom hesitated and glanced at Eragon, then said, ‘ran to out friends.‘… ‘No one could know that I was alive.’ Eragon clenched his jaw, infuriated that Brom was deliberately keeping him in the dark.” – (p.183)

- First, wouldn’t the people he ran to know he was alive? Second, as if it isn’t obvious who he ran to. It is so funny how CP accidentally made Eragon so stupid.

“It’s the worst place he could be right now… Everyone will be trying to influence him.” – (p.186)

- Yeah, that’s the worst thing that could happen to him. Especially since he’ll be influenced by your “friends.” They might actually let him do something helpful! We can’t have that now, can we?

“‘Wisdom,’ snorted Brom. “I’m just what you said earlier – a crotchety old man.’ ‘Many would disagree’ ‘Let them. I’ve no need to explain myself.’” – (p.186)

- Why would I need to explain myself? I was a friggin’ Dragon Rider! Oh, crap! You weren’t supposed to now that until later. Oh well. Honestly, if you haven’t figured this out by now something is very, very wrong. You should probably get that checked out.

“There are forces circling us that we aren’t aware of.” – (p.190)

- Uh, seeing how you just mentioned them, doesn’t that mean you are aware of them?

“‘Even if you exposed your location, the Ra’zac would still chase Roran. Do you know why?’ ‘Well, if I stay hiding long enough, they might get frustrated and capture Roran to force me to reveal myself. If that didn’t work, they’d kill him just to hurt me. Also, if I become a public enemy of the Empire, they might use him as bait to catch me. And if I met with Roran and they found out about it, they would torture him to find out where I was.’ ‘Very good. You figured that out quite nicely,’ said Brom” – (p.196)

- No, he didn’t. He didn’t even come close to answering your question. If Eragon exposed his location absolutely none of this would happen. If they knew where he was they wouldn’t get frustrated and capture Ronan, they wouldn’t need to use him as bait, and they wouldn’t need to torture him. Did Paolini even read this exchange?

The Witch and the Werecat

“You said that! exclaimed Eragon.” – (p.200)

- The captain returns, yet again.

“Eragon laughed. ‘No, I’m afraid my fortune is pretty much unreadable.’” – (p.201)

- How would he know? He can’t read fortunes. Actually… He can’t read anything.

“To know one’s fate… How can I make this decision when I don’t know what lies in wait for me and whether I will like it?” – (p.202)

- What? If you knew what lies in wait for you, there would be no reason to have your fortune told. Because that would mean you already know it. He’s pretty much saying: Hmm… How can I have my fortune told without already having had my fortune told?

“Emotion overcame Eragon, bringing tears to his eyes.” – (p.202)

- Cry count: 8

“I have no mere standing than the poorest of farmers.” – (p.205)

- Says the Dragon Rider. Extreme modesty or stupidity? I think the latter.

On Reading and Plots

“‘This is the letter a,’ he said. ‘Learn it.’” – (p.210)

- What an amazing teacher.

“a week had gone by… but he could now read” – (p.211)

- People do not learn to read in a week. Especially people as dim as Eragon.

“A single tear rolled down her cheek,” – (p.212)

- Oh no, another single tear.

“Eragon rose with a start and found himself crying uncontrollably” -(p.212)

- Cry count: 9

Thieves in the Castle

“He slung his bow and quiver on his back, but left Zar’roc in the room; the sword would only slow him, and he was averse to using it. If he had to disable someone, he could use magic or an arrow.” – (p.213)

- That is a horrible idea. Eragon obviously is expecting danger, or else he wouldn’t have his bow. How would he fight close quarters combat? Arrows are for ranged combat and he passes out every time he tries to fight with magic.

“‘Wha’ for?’ ‘Jus’ make sure ‘n give ‘im a good beating f’r me.’” – (p.214)

- Not only is this a horribly written dialect, but it is also inconsistent. As you can see, the man first say “for” but then decides to lose some sophistication and just say “f’r”.

“‘Thank’ee,’ mumbled the man, tottering away. As soon as hebq. was gone, Eragon pulled his bow from its tube and strung it.” – (p.214)

- Oh, come on. Why would he not have done this before hand? “Oh, he turned around! This is the perfect time to string my bow. I’ll do it really fast, so when he turns back around I’ll be ready.” I honestly think CP thinks you can just slip the string on at a moments notice. If I ever were to meet him, I would bring an unstrung bow, it’s string, and a stop watch.

A Costly Mistake

“What makes you think that this concerns you?” – (p.223)

- Ha, of course it concerns me, I’m a Dragon Rider. How could it not concern me?

“They are locked in a titanic power struggle… centered around you.” – (p.224)

- Hahaha, I told you it would concern me.

“‘the Varden – who are my ‘friends’‘ ‘The Varden!’” – (p.225)

- Captain Obvious to the rescue! In case you didn’t catch it the first time, Eragon has your back.

“If the Ra’zac hadn’t become so preoccupied with you, they might have caught me unawares, and that would be the end of Brom the story teller.” – (p.227)

- … But they did. They snuck up behind you and knocked you out…

“‘I can ride Snowfire.’ ‘Not with that arm.’” – (p.137) “‘Wrist is broken,‘… He helped Eragon onto the horse” – (p.230)

- So, Brom can’t ride a horse because of a cut on his arm, but Eragon can when he has a broken wrist?

“I know what I’m doing, said Eragon.” – (p.231)

- Doubt it.

“It’s a trap,” – (p.232)

- Warned Admiral Ackbar in Return of the Jedi.

“‘Who is your master?’ ‘He rules the sky and holds dominance over the earth.’ ‘Whether you serve Shade, Urgal, or some twisted fiend I’ve not heard of, I have no wish to parley with him.’” – (p.232)

- Come on, can you really not figure out who there master is? “Rules the sky”? “Holds dominance over the earth”? Who is the only other Dragon Rider? And who is the king? rolls eyes

“Fatigue suddenly drained Eragon of strength, and he tumbled off Saphira. His mind felt hazy… He realized that he might have gone to far… His stupor yielded to sleep.” – (p.232-233)

- I told you that you didn’t know that you were doing. Also, black out count: 5

Vision of Perfection

Oh. My. God. How can it be? I didn’t find anything… At least nothing worth mentioning. Oh well, that was because it was a short chapter, and was almost entirely about Eragon being yelled at. I have no problems with that. slow clap

Master of the Blade

“‘Perhaps to understand this we should search every prison and dungeon until we find the woman,’ bantered Eragon. He actually thought it would be a good idea.” – (p.240)

- Wow… A whole chapter with nothing worth mentioning that is wrong with it and then this… “Hey, I know! Lets search the whole world because I have a creepy, obsessive, stalker-like, and unhealthy crush on this women whom I’ve never met and have no idea who she could be.”

“If your being attacked with heat, you have to know whether it is being conveyed to you through air, fire, light, or some other medium.” – (p.245)

- Light is not a medium in which something can be conveyed.

The Mire of Dras-Leona

“That is Helgrind… it’s an unhealthy malevolent thing.” – (p.247)

- How can a rock formation be unhealthy?

“‘Their prayers go to Helgrind. It’s a cruel religion they practice. They drink human blood and make flesh offerings. Their priests often lack body parts because they believe that the more bone and sinew you give up, the less you’re attached to the mortal world. They spend much of their time arguing about which of Helgrind’s three peaks is the highest and most important and whether the fourth – and lowest – should be included in their worship.’ ‘That’s horrible,’” – (p.247-248)

- Wow. Eragon says “that’s horrible” after Brom mentions that they argue about whether the shortest peak should be included in prayer, never mind the whole flesh offerings and self-mutilation part… Also, great job with religious tolerance.

“We don’t even treat animals like this, thought Eragon.” – (p.248)

- You’re the one who shoots down birds for no reason.

“Eragon took one look at the mattress and said, “I’m sleeping on the floor. There are probably enough bugs in that thing to eat me alive.” – (p.249)

- Since when has he been so prissy? It can’t be much worse than sleeping on the ground outside. Which he has been doing for months now.

Trail of Oil

“‘The Cases of Seithr oil are always sent from the warehouse to the palace.’ ‘And that’s when you came back here,’ finished Eragon. ‘No, it’s not!’” – (p.252)

- That was a stupid exchange… Why would Eragon even try to finish Brom’s story. Especially when he has no idea what he is talking about. Eragon becomes more and more annoying every chapter.

“For several hours I wandered about, amusing the maids and others with songs and poems – and asking questions all the while.” – (p.252)

- Wouldn’t some old guy who is wandering around a palace, singing, reciting poems, and asking about potentially deadly materials raise suspicion?

Worshipers of Helgrind

“Don’t go anywhere without your bow! Keep it strung.” – (p.255)

- It’s almost like CP knows how stupid it is that Eragon always strings his bow at horrible times… Almost… To bad he doesn’t.

“Frustrated, he punched a nearby wall, bruising his knuckles.” – (p.256)

- HULK SMASH!

“The Ra’zac leapt away from the arrows with inhuman swiftness.” – (p.258)

- Of course it was inhuman swiftness. They aren’t human. Nothing they do is human.

“Then Eragon toppled to the ground, unconscious.” – (p.263)

- Black out count: 6

The Ra’zac’s Revenge

“tears rushed to his eyes” – (p.264)

- Cry count: 10

“‘You will server our master very well, yesss.’ ‘If I do, I will kill you.’” – (p.265)

- What? That was so stupid. If he serves their master he wouldn’t kill them. They would be on the same side… This answer is ridiculous. “You should join our side.” “Yeah? Well I’ll kill you!”

“his eyes closed and he knew no more.” – (p.266)

- Black out count: 7

Murtagh

“‘I wouldn’t do that’ warned Murtagh. ‘He’ll bleed to death.’ Eragon ignored him and pulled the cloth away from Brom’s side.” – (p.269)

- Pssh, I don’t care. If I want to risk his death just so I can see his nasty cut, I will. In case you haven’t noticed I’m a Dragon Rider, I do what I want.

“As he had learned when Garrow was injured, a wound inflicted by the Ra’zac was slow to heal.” – (p.269)

- Actually, he didn’t learn that when Garrow was injured. He learned it a while after Garrow was dead. CP seems to forget things that he wrote.

“he picked up his bow from where it had been thrown by the Ra’zac. He strung it,” – (p.270)

- Wait… when did he unstring it? He had it when he was first ambushed by the Ra’zac. Then ha ran away. Now he is stringing it again. This means that at some point, while running from the Ra’zac he unstrung it. Why would he do that? “Uh oh, I’m being chased and could be attacked at any moment. This seems to be a perfect time to unstring my bow.”

Legacy of a Rider

“‘Wake up, Eragon.’ He stirred and groaned. ‘I need your help. Something is wrong!’ Eragon tried to ignore the voice and return to sleep. ‘Arise!’ ‘Go away,’ he grumbled.” – (p.273)

- Oh my god! Leave me alone! I don’t care who dies, I just need my beauty sleep!

“Brom’s next words were faint and indistinct. ‘Good…’ He moved his arms weakly. ‘Now… wash my right hand with it.’” – (p.274)

- No, they weren’t indistinct. They were perfectly clear. That’s why Eragon understood them and why we can read them.

“his mouth agape with amazement. There on Brom’s palm was the gedwey ignasia.” – (p.274)

- Shocker.

“You’re a Rider?” – (p.274)

- Why must he always state the obvious?

“my young dragon was killed. Her name… was Saphira.” – (p.274)

- Another shocker.

“Guard Saphira with your life,” – (p.275)

- That is a horrible idea. If he losses his life guarding her she dies too. So there would be no point.

“‘Everything will be alright,’ said Eragon, tears in his eyes.” – (p.275)

- Cry count: 11

“Tears rolled down Eragon’s cheeks” – (p.276)

- Cry count: 12

“The stone rippled. It flowed like water, forming a body-length depression in the hilltop. Molding the sandstone like wet clay,” – (p.276)

- Wait… Was it like water or wet clay? Because they are not the same. CP can’t even stay consistent in his own similes.

Diamond Tomb

“A tear slid down his listless face” – (p.278)

- Another single tear? This is the third one. Anyways, Cry count: 13

“With a fingernail, he aimlessly scratched the sandstone. When he looked, he saw that he had written Why Me?” – (p.278)

- Really?He is so self centered that when his stereotypical, Rough but loving in his own strange way, mentor/father figure dies he says he says “Why Me”? That’s disgusting.

“This blade probably killed many Riders in its time, he thought with revulsion. And worse, dragons!” – (p.280)

- How is that worse? When you kill a Rider his dragon dies too. That is worse than just killing the dragon. This is the second time CP has forgotten this. Sometimes I wonder how much he actually pays attention to his books.

“Eragon laughed weakly and found himself crying because it hurt so much.” – (p.281)

- Cry count: 14

“Everything he taught me about magic he must have learned from the Riders themselves.” – (p.281)

- Actually, since he was a Rider he probably learned it from the people who taught the Riders…

“Why did he trust you, but not me, with all this knowledge?” – (p.282)

- Because you are dumb. And you keep proving that you are dumb over and over again.

“Tears welled in Eragon’s eyes.” – (p.282)

- Really? Five times in two chapters? Cry count: 15

“‘I’m afraid that my next dream of her will show a grave. I couldn’t stand that.’ ‘Why?’ ‘I’m not sure,’” – (p.283)

- Well, I am. It’s because you are friggin’ creepy, and have an unhealthy, obsessive crush on her.

Capture at Gil’ead

“He dreamed of the woman no more. And though he tried to scry her, he saw only an empty cell. Whenever they passed a town or city, he checked to see if it had a jail. If it did, he would disguise himself and visit it, but she was not to be found.” – (p.286)

- And so the stalker behavior begins.

“From a distance they could see the city was a rough, barbaric place, filled with log houses and yapping dogs.” – (p.289)

“he lost consciousness.” – (p.292)

- Black out count: 8

Du Sundavar Freohr

“He took a couple bites of the thin cabbage soup and stale bread… I wish he had brought me something better, he complained.” – (p.294)

- He was captured and imprisoned, yet he complains about the food.

“Eragon’s blood burned as he looked at her. Something awoke in him – something he had never felt before. It was like an obsession, except stronger, almost a fevered madness.” – (p.295)

- This kid just get creepier and creepier…

“He hesitated – it could easily give him away – then raced to create a name that would withstand scrutiny… ‘It was De Sundavar Freohr.’ Which meant almost literally ‘death of the shadows.’” – (p.298)

- Yeah, I’m sure that will hold up.

“… extra dose, just in case.” – (p.298)

- CP didn’t think we would understand that Eragon’s food and water was being poisoned, even after a few pages of explaining it. So, he added this, just to make sure we could figure it out. Thanks, CP, I wouldn’t be able to figure out this extremely complicated book without these subtle hints.

Fighting Shadows

“Footsteps interrupted him. He spun around, crouching as a squad of six soldiers marched into the hall. They halted abruptly, eyes flicking between Eragon and the open cell door.” – (p.301)

- Why would he crouch? Crouching in the middle of a hallway doesn’t do anything…

“‘All right, just don’t put that in me!’ yelped the soldier.” – (p.302)

- More innuendo. Oh no!

“Fighting hunger and exhaustion, he dragged the elf off the table and hid her underneath it. He Crouched next to her, holding his breath, tightly clenching the dagger. Ten soldiers entered the room. They swept through it hurriedly, looking under only a couple of tables, and continued on their way. Eragon leaned against a table leg, sighing. The respite made him suddenly aware of his burning stomach.” – (p.304)

“Eragon clutched the elf tightly as they skimmed over Gil’ead, then left the city behind and veered eastward, soaring upward through the night.” – (p.309)

- Does anyone else have problems with Eragon kidnapping an unconscious elf woman, whom he has a very creepy crush on?

A Warrior and a Healer

“He checked on the unconscious elf. You’re going to have to carry her a bit longer,” – (p.311)

- “I sure hope this unconscious lady doesn’t mind being carried around the world by two creepy young men.” “Shut up, Saphira! If I want to kidnap an elf, I can. I’m a Dragon Rider. Plus she’s passed out, what can she do?”

“She’s probably drugged” – (p.311)

- Oh great. He’s kidnapping an unconscious woman who has been drugged. This sounds like something I’ve heard of… Oh yeah, date-rape.

“I insulted the most powerful man in Alagaesia! he realized with dread.” – (p.312)

- Oh well, it’s not like you guys were going to be best buddies in the first place.

“‘Why would he commit such an atrocity on his own subjects?’ ‘Because he is evil’” – (p.313)

- Yay for one dimensional characters!

“he gazed at the elf’s face, captivated.” – (p.314)

- God… such a creepy kid. Paolini could write stories about stalkers. Well… He shouldn’t write at all. But, if he has to, might as well be about stalkers. He has me legitimately creeped out.

“With trembling fingers, he unlaced the back of her shirt.” – (p.315)

- Oh my god. Drugged? Check. Unconscious? Check. Kidnapped? Check. Naked? Check. Sounds like something bad is happening.

Water From Sand

“We would be safe, though, remarked Saphira. As long as we didn’t encounter any Urgals.” – (p.318)

- Doesn’t that work for pretty much anywhere? Also, your not really safe if there is a chance of encountering Urgals.

“Making rain was well beyond his power… Moving that much air was like trying to lift a mountain.” – (p.320)

- How would he no? I certainly hope he hasn’t tried to make it rain or move a mountain. If he has he is even dumber than I thought, and I really don’t think that could be true.

“I wonder if it’s possible to convert sand into water?… ‘I have an idea’ ‘What are you going to try?’ ‘I don’t know‘… He knelt and picked up a stone with a cavity large enough for a mouthful of water.” – (p.321)

- Of course he knows what he is going to try. He just thought of it, then began to try it. Is he lying to Saphira or is this just another stupid move by Paolini? I don’t think Eragon would lie to Saphira… Also, I wasn’t planning on correcting grammar in this, but since I already have the quote… There should not be a question mark at the end of the first sentence.

“‘Eragon,’ she said, looking him squarely in the face. ‘I’ve no more control over my abilities than a spider does.’” – (p.322)

- I’m pretty sure spiders have control over the things they can do.

“I’m as powerless as Snowfire.” – (p.322)

- Snowfire can’t fly, or talk to people telepathically.

The Ramr River

“Why don’t you tie the elf to my belly?” – (p.324)

- Do I even need to say anything? This statement is a horrifying as it is ridiculous.

“An elf! He had actually seen one, and she was with them!” – (p.325)

- Not willingly…

“He wondered what Roran would think” – (p.325)

- He would probably be horrified that his cousin is kidnapping unconscious elves and tying them to his dragon’s belly.

“He soaked a rag, then squeezed the cloth so water dripped between the elf’s sculpted lips. He did that several times and dabbed above her straight, angled eyebrows, feeling oddly protective.” – (p.327)

- My elf! I kidnaped he, nobody else can touch her!

“If I can dodge arrows with three people on my back, I can certainly fly a horse in a straight line over a river.” – (p.327)

- That’s reassuring. Since you didn’t dodge arrows with three people on your back. You were hit multiple times…

The Hadarac Desert

“Before we continue, let’s rest. My mind is slow as a snail,” – (p.331)

- Isn’t it always?

“I don’t want to stop until the elf is cured… or she dies.” – (p.336)

- In other words, “My insanely creepy crush is worth more than all of your lives put together.”

A Path Revealed

“Fatigued and haggard, but with triumphant smiles, they sad around the fire, congratulating each other.” – (p.337)

- “Congrats man, your awesome.” “I know. Oh, your awesome too.” Yeah, we are sweet.” “Yep, manly too.” “Yeah, we are so manly.” “Sexy, too.” “Most definitely.”

“With a sigh he abandoned his deliberation and observed the elf stretched out by Saphira. The fire’s orange light gave her face a warm cast. Smooth shadows flickered under her cheekbones. As he stared, an idea slowly came to him.”

- I swear, about fifty percent of his time is spent starring at this elf.

“Eragon took a shuddering breath and forced his eyes open. Murtagh and Saphira stood on either side of him, watching with concern. ‘Are you alright?’ asked Murtagh.” – (p.341)

- “Of course I’m alright! I talked with her! I really talked with her! I’m thinking of taking our relationship to the next level.” ‘That’s not what I meant, Eragon. Saphira and I have been talking… The way you act with this elf is starting to disturb us. We think you need help.” Murtagh pulls a straight-jacket out of his saddlebag

“The words stung Eragon’s pride; he recognized a grain of truth to them. ‘Don’t touch me,’ he growled.” – (p.342)

- He hurt my feelings. Quick, I have to do something manly!

“‘Well, is she going to get off us?’ ‘No, not unless we talk… She wants me to ask you what’s really the problem,’ Eragon said, embarrassed.” – (p.343)

- Talking about your feelings isn’t manly.

A Clash of Wills

“‘I must eat,’ Saphira said… ‘Hunger claws my belly.’” – (p.347)

- Actually, that could be the poor elf you have strapped down there.

“He pointed at the hill ahead of them, where a tall, brown-cloaked man sat on a sorrel horse, mace in hand. Behind him was a group of twenty horsemen… Eragon surreptitiously strung his bow.” – (p.348)

- Eragon is being chased by a band of Urgals. Why does he not have his bow strung already? Also, how does one string a bow surreptitiously? That would mean stringing it in a sneaky or stealthy manner. Also, bow stringing count: 6

“‘Behold!’ cried Eragon over the furor, ‘I am a Rider!’” – (p.351)

- This kid’s ego just keeps inflating more and more.

“‘Upset!’ exploded Eragon.” – (p.351)

- I wish Eragon actually exploded.

“‘But you can’t indulge in wanton violence. Where is your empathy?’ growled Eragon.” – (p.352)

- Once again, irony. Isn’t shooting arrows through birds for no reason wanton violence?

“The horses were exhausted to the point of stopping,” – (p.347) “They rode at a rate that Eragon would have thought impossible a week ago; the leagues melted away before them” – (p.352)

- Yeah, the horses were almost unable to walk, then there was a fight, now they are running extremely fast. How does that work?

Flight Through the Valley

“The valley was so restricted it could easily be overlooked. The Beartooth river, which Arya had mentioned, flowed out of it” – (p.357)

- How could it be easily overlooked if a river is flowing out of it?

“‘They are very old,’ said Saphira. Touching a trunk with her nose. ‘Yes,’ said Eragon, ‘but not friendly.’” – (p.357)

- How can a tree be unfriendly?

“Eragon gasped and panted; there didn’t seem to be enough air… ‘I can’t… breath.’” – (p.360)

- Eragon and Saphira have been flying higher and higher for a while now. There would not suddenly be a shortage of air. It would happen gradually.

“His vision faded into swirling darkness… ‘You backed out,’” – (p.360)

- Black out count: 9

“That explains it! Saphira, if you’re right, then those are Kull, elite of the Urgals.” – (p.363)

- Wait… So they are Uruk-hia?

The Horns of a Dilemma

“The forsworn never had any children, least of all Morzan.” – (p.369)

- What would Eragon know about the Forsworn? He grew up in his own little world. He would know nothing about this, besides the little stories he was told. Why does he always act like he knows what he is talking about?

“She crashed through the trees and brush as she barreled from the river to his side, fangs bared, tail raised threateningly. ‘Be ready for anything,’ she warned. ‘He may be able t use magic.” – (p.369)

- If Murtagh was planning on killing Eragon, Eragon would already be dead. Why would him revealing his father suddenly make him want to attack?

“‘I don’t love the Empire or the king. I have no allegiance to them,’ … ‘I must know,’ pressed Eragon. ‘Do you serve the Empire?’ ‘No.’” – (p.370)

- Umm… He just answered that, right before you asked. I am really starting to think CP never bothered to read this.

“I don’t want him killed by accident.” – (p.371)

- If he was killed, I doubt it would be by accident.

“Up close a Kull was as tall as a small giant,” – (p.373)

- We have no idea who tall a Kull is. Why would you compare it to another creature when we don’t know how tall that one is either?

Hunting For Answers

“His close-set eyes shifted from point to point with cunning speed.” – (p.380)

- How can the speed that his eyes move be cunning?

“Eragon faltered, gritting his teeth… exposing himself to the ravening probe. Disappointment emanated from the bald man. His battering intensified… There was something profoundly wrong about it.” – (p.382)

- Looks like the innuendo is back.

“a fresh wave of pain racked him… ‘Give him what he wants,’ she said quickly. Eragon winced as the probe dug in farther,” – (p.382)

- It’s back with a vengeance, apparently.

“there was nothing else for Eragon to do but wait for the bald man to finish…His entire body was rigid, jaw locked tightly. Heat radiated from his skin, and a line of sweat rolled down his neck. He was acutely aware of each second as the long minutes crept by. The bald man began to withdraw from Eragon… The probe was extracted like a splinter being removed. Eragon shuddered, swayed, then fell toward the floor. Strong arms caught him at the last second, lowering him to the cool marble. He heard Orik exclaim from behind him, ‘You went to far! He wasn’t strong enough for this.’ ‘He’ll live. That’s all that is needed,’ answered the bald man curtly.” – (p.383)

- Seriously, these couple pages are a gold mine for innuendo.

The Glory of Tronjhiem

“Bored, he examined one of the lanterns. It was made of a single piece of teardrop-shaped glass, about twice the size of a lemon, and filled with soft blue light that neither wavered nor flickered. Four slim metal ribs wrapped smoothly around the glass, meeting at the bottom where they melded together into three graceful legs. The whole piece was quite attractive.” – (p.394)

- Eragon being bored doesn’t mean we should be too.

“the bald man was waiting with Orik, who held Tornac’s and Snowfire’s reins. ‘You will ride single file down the center of the tunnel,’ instructed the bald man. ‘If you attempt to go anywhere else, you will be stopped.’ When Eragon started to climb onto Saphira, the bald man shouted, ‘No! Ride your horse until I tell you otherwise.’” – (p.395)

- Seriously? He thought he could ride Saphira? Why would Orik be holding his horse for him if that was what he was supposed to do?

“For a brief second the crowd hesitated, then a wild roar swept through it, and a wave of sound crashed over Eragon… Relieved, Eragon sat straighter and playfully asked Saphira, ‘Shall we go?’” – (p.398)

- Watches Eragon’s ego inflate If this thing gets any bigger, Eragon might explode.

Ajihad

“If you are declared trustworthy, the Twins will remove all knowledge of Farthen Dur’s location from your mind before you leave.” – (p.404)

- Why would he have to be declared trustworthy before they wipe his mind? If they could wipe his mind he wouldn’t need to be trustworthy, because he wouldn’t remember anything to tell.

“You are an enigma, Eragon, a quandary that no one knows how to solve.” – (p.407)

- HA! Actually, Eragon is extremely simple and stereotypical.

“dragons made a habit out of eating dwarves’ flocks and stealing their gold.” – (p.411)

- Why would dragons need gold?

“Ajihad looked troubled. ‘Brom was considered one of our strongest spell weavers. Only the elves surpassed him. If what you say is true, we will have to reconsider a great many things.’” – (p.417)

- Why would Eragon being strong trouble Ajihad? And why would they have to reconsider a great many things just because Eragon is strong?

Bless the Child, Argetlam

“keep your bow. We must trust these people, though not to the point of foolishness.” – (p.423)

- What would he do with the bow? If he was betrayed and ambushed it wouldn’t be from a distance, and if it was there wouldn’t be time for him to use his bow. He has magic for that. Plus, wouldn’t it look better if he went around with out a weapon? People would trust him more and it would look like he trusts them more. Worst comes to worst he could use magic.

“Afterward he floated with his eyes closed, enjoying the warmth… Orik was waiting for him.” – (p.427)

- Eragon is relaxing and taking his sweet time while poor little Orik is sitting there waiting.

“behind the open arches that line each level is a single unbroken staircase that spirals around the wall of Tronjhiem’s central chamber. The stairs climb all the way to the dragon hold above Isidar Mithrim. We call it Vol Turin, the Endless Staircase. Running up or down isn’t swift enough for an emergency, nor convenient enough for casual use.” – (p.427)

- Then why build it? It sounds like it’s just a big hassle.

“The slide was built for dwarves and is too narrow for a man.” – (p.427)

- This doesn’t make much sense. Dwarves are thick and stocky, while Eragon is fairly slim. Wouldn’t it work better for him?

“Saphira landed a spear’s throw away,” – (p.427)

- Thanks for using description most of your readers will be able to visualize.

“How will I know when it’s morning?” – (p.428)

- The sun will be up…

“I should be back in Carvahall with Roran.” – (p.429)

- Roran isn’t in Carvahall.

“Something is changing me.” – (p.430)

- It’s called puberty.

“Farm boy’s are not named for the first Rider without cause.” – (p.430)

- Sure they are. People can be named something for no reason at all.

Mandrake Root and Newt’s Tongue

“‘I like this,’ said Eragon. ‘It feel’s safe.’” – (p.431) “For the first time since entering Farthen Dur, Eragon felt secure” – (p.433)

- Another mistake by Paolini. It says it was the first time he felt secure since arriving at Farthen Dur, yet just a few pages earlier, in the last chapter, Eragon said he felt safe.

“His gaze roamed the cave’s rough ceiling as he thought of Arya. Chiding himself for daydreaming, he tilted his head and looked out at the dragon hold.” – (p.433)

- Really? The daydreaming is the problem? Not constantly thinking of Arya every couple seconds?

Hall of the Mountain King

“A dark hall lay before them, a good bowshot long.” – (p.440)

- Again, good job using description the majority of your readers will be able to accurately visualize.

“Do you know why this seat was quarried so flat and angular? So that no one would sit comfortably on it.” – (p.443)

- This sounds a lot like the Iron Throne in A Song of Ice and Fire.

“I would not take the throne in Uru’baen… not unless there was no one else willing or competent enough to take it.” – (p.443)

- The thought of Eragon being competent makes me laugh.

“unfamiliar footsteps approached from behind the bookcase. The sound startled him, but he berated himself for being silly – he could not be the only person in the library. Even so, he quietly replaced the book and slipped away, senses alert for danger.” – (p.446)

- Wow, this kid is paranoid.

“This is difficult enough without you making comments!” – (p.447)

- What are you doing trying to help me? Be quiet, woman!

Arya’s Test

“How strong are you?” – (p.454)

- What kind of question is that?

“Strong enough,” – (p. 455)

- What kind of answer is that?

“The Twins stalked toward them, their bald heads pale against their purple robes. Orik muttered something in his own language as he slipped his war ax out of his belt.” – (p.455)

- Why would he slip out his ax? Is it a feeble attempt at intimidation? Because it isn’t like he would actually attack them… Unless he is really stupid.

“‘Why can’t someone else test him?’ ‘No one else is powerful enough,’ sniffed the Twins. Saphira rumbled deeply and glared at them. A line of smoke trickled from her nostrils,” -(p.455)

- Why would she be mad at that? They are the strongest at magic in the area, except Arya, but that wouldn’t work because Eragon needs his knight in shinning armor. Also, were the Twins just speaking in unison?

“The silver shimmered, and a ghostly image of the ring materialized next to it. The two were identical except that the apparition glowed white-hot. At the sight of it, the Twins spun on their heels and fled.” – (p.458)

- Why would they flee from that? “Oh my god! A ghost ring! Even though we obviously have prior knowledge about this it is horrifying! Run!”

“Orik and Fredric were on their feet, eyeing Arya warily. Saphira crouched, ready for action.” – (p.458)

- Oh no! She can use magic! That obviously means she could be evil! Be on guard everyone.

“‘I claim the right of trail by arms.‘… ‘She wants to know how proficient I am.’” – (p.459)

- Wow. It took him an entire page to figure out that she was testing him, even though she told him that she was going to be doing his trial.

“You find her form pleasing, do you not?” – (p.461)

- Obviously. He obsesses over her.

“You’re jealous, aren’t you!” -(p.461)

- This just got a lot weirder. Saphira wishes that Eragon had a creepy crush on her, too.

The Shadows Lengthen

“There are hundreds of tunnels throughout the Beor Mountains, uninhabited since the day they were mind. The only dwarves who go in them are eccentrics” – (p.468)

- A few problems with this. Why would they mine them if nobody was going to use them. Also, it says they are uninhabited, then that eccentrics use them. That means it isn’t uninhabited.

“‘This,’ he said, ‘is where the dwarf claimed to have come form.’ ‘Orthiad!’ exclaimed Orik. At Jormundur’s puzzled inquiry, he explained, ‘It’s an ancient dwelling of ours that was deserted when Tronjheim was completed. During its time it was the greatest of our cities. But no one’s lived there for centuries.’” – (p.468)

- Um… Obviously people have lived there… Like the dwarf you are talking about right now.

“‘it’s dragon armor,‘… ‘Dragon armor!’” – (p.473)

- Must he repeat everything he hears?

“Eragon stared at he helplessly, knowing she was right and hating the fact.” – (p.477)

- A woman knows better than me? How can it be?

“‘Then stay safe.’ Out of desperation, he added in the ancient language, ‘Woi pomnuria ilian.’ For my happiness. Arya turned her gaze away uneasily,” – (p.477)

- God he is creepy.

“Eragon alternated between myopically examining the links of his mail and spying on Arya.” – (p.477)

- Wow… I am honestly starting to think that this whole thing is just a joke, and that CP knows that this is a horrible book, and that Eragon is a freaky stalker.

“The air was dead, motionless. Even when it grew warm and stifling and filled with smoke, there was no reprieve.” – (p.477)

- Why would any of those three things he just listed give them reprieve?

Battle Under Farthen Dur

“Harsh Urgal shouts shattered the air as dark shapes boiled upward in the tunnel’s opening… He sheathed Zar’roc and strung his bow.” – (p.479)

- God, he is doing it again. Waiting until the very last second. Bow stringing count: 7

“The Urgal line wavered, threatening to break,” – (p.480)

- Seriously? Their ranks almost broke after one volley?

“Eragon raised his eyes to the heavens, tears streaming down his cheeks.” – (p.490)

- Cry count: 16

“Bereft of strength, Eragon fell back with arms outstretched.” – (p.491)

- Black out count: 10

The Mourning Sage

“for the first time, he was proud of who he was.” – (p.492)

- It seemed that he thought quite highly of himself throughout the entire story, actually.

“Who was he to think he could challenge the powers of Alagaesia and live?” – (p.493)

- This doesn’t make any sense. Nobody was challenging the powers of Alagaesia…

“The stranger was right; what he had accomplished was worthy of honor , of recognition.” – (p.494)

- Bow to me mortals.

“He slid his hand toward the base of his neck and unexpectedly felt a hard bump about a half-inch wide. He followed it down his back with growing horror… ‘You have paid a terrible price for your deed.’ Dismay filled Eragon… He was disfigured.” – (p.497)

- Oh, come on. A terrible price? It’s just a scar. At least he is alive and still has all of his limbs. He should be happy to have such a souvenir. Now he doesn’t look like the little priss that he is.

My Overview

Well, it’s finally finished. I will need to cleanse my brain now. Anyways, I’ll give you some totals of everything that I kept a count on now:
Bow stringing: 7, that means Eragon strung his bow (almost every time at a bad moment) once for every 71 pages.
Blacking out: 10, that means Eragon blacked out once for every 50 pages.
Crying: 16, that means Eragon cried once for every 31 pages.

Comment [229]

Okay, similar to my last project Everything Wrong With Eragon I am going through the book Twilight by Stephenie Meyer and ripping it apart quote by quote, looking for flaws. Only this time I have help, from this site’s creator, SlyShy.

Preface

“I’d never given much thought to how I would die”(Meyer p. 3)

SS—Glad to hear you are like most people, not excessively morbid. Well, this isn’t true, as we will later find out.

LS— Uh-oh, she sounds depressed. Bella, don’t kill yourself, this is only the first sentence!

“The hunter smiled in a friendly way as he sauntered forward to kill me.” (p.4)

SS— How do you know he is going to kill you if he is so friendly? Guess I’ll have to read THE WHOLE BOOK to find out.

1. First Sight

“It rains on this inconsequential town more than any other place in the United States of America.”(p.4)

SS— I like exaggeration as much as the next guy! No, WAY MORE!

LS— Exaggeration? She’s obviously being serious. She has been to every single place in the United States.

“It was from this town and its gloomy, omnipresent shade that my mother escaped with me when I was only a few months old” (p.4)

SS—What isn’t stated is why they are in jail.

“My mom looks like me, except with short hair and laugh lines.”(p.4)

SS— “He looked human except for his crimson hair and maroon eyes” heheh.

“I lied. I’d always been a bad liar, but I’d been saying this lie so frequently lately that it sounded almost convincing now.”(p.4)

SS—Funny thing about lying, this always works, sadly.

“I found a good car for you, really cheap,” he announced when we were strapped in.
“What kind of car?” I was suspicious of the way he said “good car for you” as opposed to just “good
car.” (p.5)

LS— Like she isn’t at all concerned about him saying “really cheap.”
SS—“What are you implying!?” “That the car looks really cheap, sort of like you.”

“Do you remember Billy Black down at La Push?” La Push is the tiny Indian reservation on the coast.
“No.” (p.5)

LS— Yeah, that’s how you could just narrate what it was to us…

“I do a good job of blocking painful, unnecessary things from my memory.”(p.5)

LS— And that’s how you just told us exactly what clothes you brought with you. And that your “My carry-on item was a parka.“I thought she just said she was good at lying.

““He’s in a wheelchair now,” Charlie continued when I didn’t respond, “so he can’t drive anymore, and he
offered to sell me his truck cheap.”
“What year is it?” I could see from his change of expression that this was the question he was hoping I wouldn’t ask.” (p.5-6)

SS—Guess what you forgot to do? Act at all sympathetic or remorseful. I guess you hate Native Americans.

“Dad, I don’t really know anything about cars.” (p.6)

LS— Didn’t you just have an entire conversation about cars? Including the year the car was made? Why would you care if you didn’t know better?

“Really, Bella, the thing runs great. They don’t build them like that anymore.” (p.6)

LS— Yeah, they probably run better now. Seeing how that is how technology works. They make things better and then you buy them, it is the American way.
SS—You mean, the Japanese way. :P
LS— Shhh! It’s our job to steal the credit.

“That’s really nice, Dad. Thanks. I really appreciate it.” (p.6)

LS— He just bought her a friggin’ car. This is not a normal human reaction.

“And I never looked a free truck in the mouth — or engine.” (p.6)

LS— Oh, jeeze. Do I really need to say anything?

““I’m glad you like it,” Charlie said gruffly, embarrassed again.” (p.7)

LS— Why does he keep getting embarrassed? I mean, he bought her a car, you would think he would anticipate some sort of thanks. Or maybe he’s just going for the “Most Socially Awkward” award.
SS— Obviously someone who has been elected police chief would be ridiculously bad with people… :rolleyes:

“There was only one small bathroom at the top of the stairs, which I would have to share with Charlie. I was trying not to dwell too much on that fact.” (p.7)

LS— Oh no! I don’t get my own bathroom, whatever will I do?
SS—Charlie has explosive diarrhea, the poor guy.

“I should be tan, sporty, blond — a volleyball player, or a cheerleader, perhaps — all the things that go with living in the valley of the sun.” (p.7)

LS— Yeah, all the girls from Phoenix are tan, sporty, blonde cheerleaders and volleyball players. Seriously. You have no idea how big their cheerleading squads are.

“there were more than seven hundred people in my junior class alone back home” (p.7)

LS— Maybe I’m wrong, but I would think a big city like Phoenix would have more kids in the school district than my suburban city does…

“Instead, I was ivory-skinned, without even the excuse of blue eyes or red hair, despite the constant sunshine.” (p.7)

SS— So instead of tanning you burn. Funny how you don’t mention how freaking SUNBURNT you are right now.

“I looked at my face in the mirror as I brushed through my tangled, damp hair.” (p.7)

SS— Our friend, the mirror. Almost a necessity of first person writing. Too bad it’s such an overused and tired trick by now.

“The office was small; a little waiting area with padded folding chairs, orange-flecked commercial carpet, notices and awards cluttering the walls, a big clock ticking loudly. Plants grew everywhere in large plastic pots, as if there wasn’t enough greenery outside. The room was cut in half by a long counter, cluttered with wire baskets full of papers and brightly colored flyers taped to its front. There were three desks behind the counter, one of which was” (p.8-9)

SS—This is the only room described in this detail. Consistent description, yay.

“She went through my classes for me, highlighting the best route to each on the map” (p.9)

LS— … How big can a three hundred fifty-eight person school get?
SS— You don’t understand, she has to take the shortest route. Even if it involves walking into people.

“‘I’m headed toward building four, I could show you the way…’ Definitely over-helpful.” (p.10)

LS— Apparently being helpful at all is overly helpful.
SS—Apparently being a shallow and assuming bitch is cool.
LS— I also love that fact that she is worried about not making friends while she is acting like this.
SS— GO AWAY YOU ARE TOO FRIENDLY AND EASY TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH AND GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“I tried to be diplomatic, but mostly I just lied a lot.” (p.10)

LS— Being a sociopath is a good way to make friends, too.
SS— Ready for a bright young career in Real Estate.

“At least I never needed the map.” (p.10)

LS— Wow, good job Bella, you managed to not get lost in a friggin’ tiny school.

“I couldn’t remember her name, so I smiled and nodded as she prattled about teachers and classes. I didn’t try to keep up.” (p.11)

LS— God, I wish I had some friends. Urgh, what is this little thing that is making noise at me and smiling?
SS— “What’s your name?” “Oh, hi, nice to meet you, Rebecca.” “Now let me attempt for the first time to be interested in something other than myself.”

“They didn’t look anything alike.”
“And yet, they were all exactly alike. Every one of them was chalky pale, the palest of all the students
living in this sunless town. Paler than me, the albino. They all had very dark eyes despite the range in hair
tones. They also had dark shadows under those eyes — purplish, bruiselike shadows. As if they were all
suffering from a sleepless night, or almost done recovering from a broken nose. Though their noses, all
their features, were straight, perfect, angular.” (p.11)

LS— So let me get this straight. They didn’t look anything alike, except their skin, eyes, the shadows under there eyes, their noses, and all of their features. Yep, that doesn’t seem like a gigantic contradiction.

“the face of an angel” (p.11)

LS— And so it begins. Cream Count: 1¹
SS— SQUEEE!

““Who are they?” I asked the girl from my Spanish class, whose name I’d forgotten.” (p.11)

LS— I guess she isn’t good looking enough to be important.
SS— I guess not. At least she spoke to her.

“I couldn’t stop myself from peeking occasionally through the screen of my hair at the strange boy next to
me. During the whole class, he never relaxed his stiff position on the edge of his chair, sitting as far from
me as possible. I could see his hand on his left leg was clenched into a fist, tendons standing out under his
pale skin. This, too, he never relaxed” (p.13)

SS— His entire body was a giant stiffy. It was love at first sight. He was everything I ever wanted in a man.

“the beautiful boy” “his perfect lips” ““They are… very nice-looking.” I struggled with the conspicuous understatement.” “as beautiful as they were”(p.12)
“the phrase if looks could kill suddenly ran through my mind.” (p.14)

LS— I have a feeling this number will get very high. Cream Count: 6
SS— Give my regards to Robert Pattinson

“I looked up to see a cute, baby-faced boy, his pale blond hair carefully gelled into orderly spikes, smiling
at me in a friendly way… He was the nicest person I’d met today.” (p.14)

LS— Or he was just nice and good looking, instead of just nice, like the other two people you met.

“low, attractive voice”“his face was absurdly handsome” “ a voice like velvet” (p.15)

LS— Cream Count: 9

2. Open Book

“It was ridiculous, and egotistical” (p.16)

LS— Tsk, tsk. Bella, you shouldn’t refer to yourself as “It”.
SS— Oh, snap.

“They’re all very attractive” (p.19)

LS— Cream Count: 10

“‘Ew.’ Snow. There went my good day.
He looked surprised. ‘Don’t you like snow?’
‘No. That means it’s too cold for rain.’ Obviously.” (p.20)

LS— What kind of excuse is that? Also, it won’t be as fun if the characters call themselves out for being Captain Obvious. That’s my job.

“Twice Mike asked, with unnecessary concern, how I was feeling.” (p.21)

LS— Jeeze, what’s with you people and caring about me all the time? Can’t you see I’m trying to be outrageously depressing about everything? It doesn’t work if people think I actually have people who care about me.

“His dazzling face was friendly, open, a slight smile on his flawless lips.” “He laughed a soft, enchanting laugh.” “I looked up to see him smiling a crooked smile so beautiful that I could only stare at him like an idiot.” (p.23)

LS— Cream Count: 14

“I couldn’t fathom his interest” (p.25)

LS— Urgh, can’t you see I’m trying to be melodramatic? Stop being nice.

“perfect, ultrawhite teeth” “beautiful boy” (p.27)

LS— Cream Count: 16
SS— Brought to you by Crest®.

¹ See what Robert Pattinson, who is playing Edward in the upcoming movie, thinks of his character: here.

Comment [24]

The next part of Everything Wrong With Twilight. Man, this one was…annoying.

3. Phenomenon

I knew it wasn’t the stimulating learning environment I was anticipating, or seeing my new set of friends. If I was being honest with myself, I knew I was eager to get to school because I would see Edward Cullen. And that was very, very stupid. (p.28)

LS— Also, very, very shallow.

SS— I wasn’t going to say anything if you weren’t, Bella.

perfect face (p.28)

LS— Cream Count: 17

I wasn’t sure if I didn’t prefer being ignored. (p.28)

LS— Ew, a double negative. How annoying.

My throat suddenly felt tight. I wasn’t used to being taken care of. (p.28)

LS— …why haven’t you been choked up about getting taken care of by EVERYBODY IN THIS ENTIRE BOOK?!

SS— You better get used to it, kiddo, because Edward is about to fulfill your every whim.

I almost died of humiliation when they put on the neck brace. (p.30)

LS— Oh my, I almost was hit by a car and killed, how embarrassing.

SS— Eww, being a cripple is, like, so gross. I hate those people, like, eww.

Since no one bothered pulling the curtain around to give me some privacy, I decided I wasn’t obligated to wear the stupid-looking neck brace anymore. (p.31)

LS— Screw safety precautions, I need to look hot.

SS— I’m almost postive those things are made so the patient can’t just remove them. For good reason too, apparently.

flashing his brilliant teeth (p.32)

LS— Cream Count: 18

“Take some Tylenol for the pain,” he suggested as he steadied me. “It doesn’t hurt that bad,” I insisted. (p.33)

LS— How bad does it need to hurt for a Tylenol?

SS— It has to hurt like she wants Edward.

My temper flared now, and I glared defiantly at him. “There’s nothing wrong with my head.” (p.33)

LS— Except the fact that you’re obsessive, stalker-like, oddly anti-social, a compulsive liar, and pretty much just generally insane.

SS— Yup, she hates it when people show concern. Gee whiz.

I don’t like to lie (p.33)

LS— The past thirty three pages say otherwise.

SS— Unless I have to, or it will make my life easier, or I don’t like the person and want to hurt his feelings, or if I like a person and don’t want to hurt his feelings, or unless I feel like it, or I’m in a bad mood, or sometimes a good mood, or always.

“glorious face” “stunning face” (p.34)

LS— Cream Count: 20

Mike and Jessica and Eric were all there, beginning to converge on us. “Let’s go,” I urged. (p.34)

LS— Oh no! My friends are here. Quick, run!

SS— I hate those guys.

“Um… you’ll need to call Renée.” He hung his head, guilty. I was appalled. “You told Mom!” “Sorry.” (p.35)

LS— You told my mother I was in life threatening danger!? I hate you!

SS— Why would you act like such a responsible adult? You loser!

She begged me to come home — forgetting the fact that home was empty at the moment — but her pleas were easier to resist than I would have thought. And more than a little obsessed by Edward himself. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I wasn’t as eager to escape Forks as I should be, as any normal, sane person would be. I decided I might as well go to bed early that night. Charlie continued to watch me anxiously, and it was getting on my nerves. I stopped on my way to grab three Tylenol from the bathroom. They did help, and, as the pain eased, I drifted to sleep. That was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen. (p.35)

LS— Haha, she just proved all five of my previous points about her being obsessive, stalker-like, anti-social, a compulsive liar, and crazy in just three paragraphs.

SS— I’m surprised it took that short a time. Last crazy character I read was Rodion in Crime & Punishment, and he seemed fine until all the way to end and even after…or maybe it’s just because he is such a better character.

4. Invitations

“Sorry, no,” I said. “So you shouldn’t make Jess wait any longer — it’s rude.” (p.37)

LS— You know what else is rude? Lying about having plans so you don’t have to be with friends.

SS— “I hope you give her an STD after prom.”

It was pathetic. More than pathetic, it was unhealthy. (p.38)

LS— Aw, come on Bella. I already asked you to stop referring yourself as “It”. We get that you have an issue with self confidence but now your starting to creep me out.

I tried very hard not to be aware of him for the rest of the hour, and, since that was impossible, at least not to let him know that I was aware of him. (p.38)

LS— What? “I don’t know you’re there.” “Uh… Yeah. You do.” “Fine. Well, you don’t know that I know you’re there.” “What the he-… Okay. Whatever, Bella.”

SS— It’s kind of like Edward has an invisibilty cloak, except that this isn’t HP, except that Bella is Draco Melfoy.

I didn’t want to feel what I knew I would feel when I looked at his too-perfect face. (p.38)

LS— Cream (literal this time? Uh-oh.) Count: 21

SS— Most people enjoy sexual pleasure, but whatever, maybe Bella isn’t a human.

“It’s better if we’re not friends,” he explained. “Trust me.” My eyes narrowed. I’d heard that before. (p.38)

LS— You’ve also had an abundance of people at this new school want to be friends with you and you ignore them.

“Regret?” The word, and my tone, obviously caught him off guard. “Regret for what?” “For not just letting that stupid van squish me.” He was astonished. He stared at me in disbelief. When he finally spoke, he almost sounded mad. “You think I regret saving your life?” “I know you do,” I snapped.

LS— Yeah, who would pass up a chance to kill me? (Actually, seeing where this book is headed, and how annoying she is, I wouldn’t have minded.)

“but of course I caught the toe of my boot on the door jamb and dropped my books” “but I fell down a lot” (p.39)

LS— OH MY GOD! YOU’RE CLUMSY, WE GET IT! NOW ENOUGH! I didn’t comment on it before, but this is getting ridiculous.

SS— Most people this clumsy have a legitimate disability.

“Will you ask me to the spring dance?” he continued. “I’m not going to be in town, Tyler.” My voice sounded a little sharp. I had to remember it wasn’t his fault that Mike and Eric had already used up my quota of patience for the day. (p.40)

LS— I’m sorry, but she just crushed three different peoples egos and self-confidence and she is complaining about her patience being used up?

SS— Honestly, she was so crafty that they don’t even know their patience should be used up.

My foot itched toward the gas pedal…one little bump wouldn’t hurt any of them, just that glossy silver paint job. I revved the engine. (p.40)

LS— “You saved my life, I hate you!” Seriously, maybe she should seek out some professional help.

SS— Talk about bad road rage.

I drove home slowly, carefully, muttering to myself the whole way. (p.40)

LS— Just proving my point, now.

SS— Muttering: “Darn kids these days and their internets, and their lollipops, and their escalators, and their hula-hoops, and their vampires, and their tax forms, and their microphones, and their hotdogs, and their stupid Volvos.”

Interesting…and brilliant…and mysterious…and perfect…and beautiful (p.41)

LS— Cream Count: 25

SS— My friends call me these things…sarcastically.

I couldn’t blame him—the closest edible Mexican food was probably in southern California. (p.41)

LS— Yay, let’s judge all of the Mexican restaurants on the entire west coast in one quick sentence.

SS— Well, I kind of thought that was funny. :P

That truck probably doesn’t get very good gas mileage. (p.41)

LS— Captain Obvious concludes, after much thinking, that this truck from the late fifties or early sixties possibly does not get very good gas mileage.

SS— Plus, it was a truck. You know, the things that don’t get good fuel millage?

Grrr. Only in a town this small would a father know when the high school dances were. (p.42)

LS— Yeah, really. How could a parent in the city actually care about events in their child’s life?

SS— Well, unless you happened to tell your parents when they were, like a normal loving child would. In which case everyone would know.

LS— Okay, since I’m beginning to get annoyed by SM stuffing the fact that Bella is clumsy down our throats, I’m going to be counting every reference to it. Here we go:

I stumbled my way off the plane.” (p.5) 1

I didn’t have the necessary hand-eye coordination to play sports without humiliating myself — and harming both myself and anyone else who stood too close. (p.7) 2

I stammered, blushed, and tripped over my own boots on the way to my seat. (p.10) 3

I stumbled over a book in the walkway and had to catch myself on the edge of a table. (p.13) 4

Remembering how many injuries I had sustained—and inflicted—playing volleyball, I felt faintly nauseated. (p.15) 5

It was miserable because I had to play volleyball, and the one time I didn’t cringe out of the way of the ball, I hit my teammate in the head with it. (p.16) 6

when it was my turn to serve; my team ducked warily out of the way every time I was up. (p.27) 7

I had enough trouble not falling down when the ground was dry; it might be safer for me to go back to bed now. (p.28) 8

It took every ounce of my concentration to make it down the icy brick driveway alive. I almost lost my balance when I finally got to the truck, but I managed to cling to the side mirror and save myself. (p.28) 9

Possibly my crippling clumsiness was seen as endearing rather than pathetic, casting me as a damsel in distress. (p.29) 10

No need to tell him my balance problems had nothing to do with hitting my head. (p.32) 11

but of course I caught the toe of my boot on the door jamb and dropped my books. (p.39) 12
I fell down a lot. Sometimes I took people with me. Today I was worse than usual because my head was so filled with Edward. I tried to concentrate on my feet, but he kept creeping back into my thoughts just when I really needed my balance. (p.39) 13

I didn’t get my balance problems from my mother. (p.42) 14

I fumbled with my key and it fell into a puddle at my feet. (p.42) 15

LS— Well, at least Bella is lucky that she isn’t a male and in prison.

SS— Wobbly Waffles Batman! That’s a lot of clumsy.

“His voice was quiet as usual—velvet, muted.” “I scowled at his perfect face.” (p.42)

LS— Cream Count: 27

“So you are trying to irritate me to death? Since Tyler’s van didn’t do the job?”
Anger flashed in his tawny eyes. His lips pressed into a hard line, all signs of humor gone.
“Bella, you are utterly absurd,” he said, his low voice cold.
My palms tingled — I wanted so badly to hit something. I was surprised at myself. I was usually a
nonviolent person. I turned my back and started to walk away. (p.42)

LS— Wow. She is actually mad that he didn’t try to kill her.

SS— Actions speak louder than words, Bella.

“Do you have a multiple personality disorder?” I asked severely.

LS— Sorry to say, Bella, but you’re the crazy one in this relationship.

SS— Actually, it is quite reasonable for there to be two crazy people in a relationship.

“Myself, obviously.” He enunciated every syllable, as if he were talking to someone mentally handicapped. (p.43)

LS— Hahaha. That is because he is talking to somebody who is mentally handicapped.

SS— Enunciating every syllable is good speaking technique, mental handicap or no.

“Oh, thanks, now that’s all cleared up.” Heavy sarcasm. (p.43)

LS— Thanks, SM. We really couldn’t figure that one out on our own.

SS— Especially considering Bella has basically been sarcastic this entire book.

His eyes were gloriously intense as he uttered that last sentence, his voice smoldering. I couldn’t remember how to breathe. (p.44)

LS— Cream Count 29

SS— Breathing: move your lungs in and out.

Comment [14]

Ok, here is the third part of the Twilight EWW. I’m going to warn you in advance, there will be innuendo (heck yes).

5. Blood Type

“It was hard to believe that someone so beautiful could be real.” (p.45)

LS— Cream Count: 30

SS— In fact, he exists only in a paperback young adult’s novel.

“I was afraid that he might disappear in a sudden puff of smoke, and I would wake up.” (p.45)

LS— Well, it would make a story that was actually interesting.

““I think your friends are angry with me for stealing you.”“ (p.45)

LS— Well, lucky for you Mr. Cullen, Bella doesn’t actually have friends, just yappy little lap dogs that she uses to feel good about herself.

SS— Kind of like Paris Hilton’s chihuahua. You know, they are just not so stylish accessories.

“The breathtaking crooked smile reappeared.” (p.45)

LS— Cream Count: 31

“But I’m warning you now that I’m not a good friend for you.” (p.46)

LS— And I’m warning you that she isn’t a good friend for anybody.

““You say that a lot,” I noted, trying to ignore the sudden trembling in my stomach and keep my voice
even.
“Yes, because you’re not listening to me. I’m still waiting for you to believe it. If you’re smart, you’ll avoid
me.”“ (p.46)

LS— No kidding, he says this every time they talk. It’s getting kind of annoying.

““So, as long as I’m being… not smart, we’ll try to be friends?” I struggled to sum up the confusing
exchange.” (p.46)

LS— I have a feeling they will be friends for a long, long time. “That sounds about right.” Oh, why thank you, Edward. I’m glad you agree.

“his ocher eyes scorching” “His eyes still smoldered at me.” (p.48)

LS— Cream Count: 33

““You’re dangerous?” I guessed, my pulse quickening” (p.49)

LS— “Good, because I’m kinky like that.”

“He was dangerous. He’d been trying to tell me that all along.” (p.49)

LS— Thanks Captain O. That must have been hard to figure out, seeing how he was being so cryptic.

SS— Oh man! I can’t believe I missed that my first read through. Twilight is just one of those books I could just read again and again and get more out of!

““But not bad,” I whispered, shaking my head. “No, I don’t believe that you’re bad.”
“You’re wrong.”“ (p.49)

LS— “I’ve been a very naughty boy, and you’re going to have to punish me.”

“Mike looked resentful; Angela looked surprised, and slightly awed.” (p.49)

LS— “Bow to me mortal girl! I have befriended the perfect and sexy vampire god!”

“His voice was like melting honey. I could imagine how much more overwhelming his eyes would be.” (p.54)

LS— Cream Count: 35

SS— As far as I know, honey is already, you know, a liquid. So unless SMeyer likes honey Popsicles, I hate this analogy.

““Mike-schmike.” I muttered, preoccupied by the way he’d said “you and I.” I liked it more than I should.”

LS— Good job, Bella you… almost rhymed while being a total bitch.

“I was preparing to give him the silent treatment — my face in full pout mode” (p.55)

LS— Umm… I’m pretty sure he basically just kidnapped you, and all you do is think about giving him the cold shoulder and then pouting?

SS— I play my blue eyes white face down in pout mode!!!

“his heavenly face” “He turned to look me straight in the face, utilizing the full power of his burning gold eyes.” (p.57-58)

LS— Cream Count: 37

““Don’t be offended, but you seem to be one of those people who just attract accidents like a magnet. So… try not to fall into the ocean or get run over or anything, all right?” (p.58)

LS— Balance Fail: 16 (All references to Bella’s ridiculous clumsiness will be counted.)

SS— That is, if accidents were magnetic.

““I’ll see what I can do,” I snapped as I jumped out into the rain. I slammed the door behind me with excessive force.” (p,58)

LS— Ok, how does she react more harshly to this than to being forced into a car against her will?

6. Scary Stories

“She did have a lot of questions about lunch, though.” (p. 58)

SS— Questions like: what really is in the mystery meat anyways?

““So what did Edward Cullen want yesterday?” Jessica asked in Trig.” (p.58)

LS— Why is it always “Edward Cullen” instead of just “Edward” or just “Cullen?”

SS— I misread that as asking one of Sarah Palin’s kids a question.

“She seemed annoyed; she flipped her dark curls impatiently.” (p. 58)

SS— This is both showing and telling in the same sentence. Quite unnecessary. If she hadn’t said “She seemed annoyed” we still could have gotten that just from her second clause.

“And I couldn’t stop the gloom that engulfed me as I realized I didn’t know how long I would have to wait before I saw him again.” (p. 58)

SS— Oh, what an existential crisis, she won’t see Edward from a distance for a day.

“Maybe the outing wouldn’t be completely miserable.” (p.58)

LS— URGH!

“I really didn’t know her well at all, certainly not well enough for her to dislike me — or so I’d thought.” (p.59)

LS— Maybe she is just good at figuring out when people are ridiculously shallow.

SS— Hell, even I’m able to do that. The shallow girls are the ones eyeing Edward Cullen.

““She’s my friend; she sits with us,” Mike whispered back loyally, but also a bit territorially.” (p.59)

LS— Like she would still find a flaw in someone sticking up for her.

SS— Deleted from the book: where Mike urinates on a tree to mark his territory. Or maybe that isn’t till the werewolves appear.

“That one gave me a dirty look as I got out of the truck, and whispered something to Lauren. Lauren shook out her cornsilk hair and eyed me scornfully. So it was going to be one of those days. (p.59)

LS— What, you can hate all but one of the other characters but nobody can hate you?

SS— Hell woman, I would eye you scornfully if I saw the way you crawl over the body of the hottest guy in school. How classy.

““You came!” he called, delighted.” (p.59)

LS— He’s delighted because it is the first time he has ever made that happen. (I apologize, but it had to be done.)

SS— Yeah…

“On the other hand, I’d also fallen into them a lot.” (p.61)

LS— Balance Fail: 17

SS— Fallen into what? A vat of stupid?

“Mike gave me a huge smile when he saw that I was coming.” (p.61)

LS— She really needs to stop saying that.

SS— …Just don’t combine that phrase with the big smile, please.

“I was very cautious not to lean too far over the little ocean ponds.” (p.61)

LS— Balance Fail: 18

SS— Oh okay, little ocean ponds of stupid.

“I was completely absorbed, except for one small part of my mind that wondered what Edward was doing now, and trying to imagine what he would be saying if he were here with me.”

LS— Wow, this is getting really creepy…

SS— According to the completely false fact, humans only use 10% of their brain power. Bella uses the other 90% to fantasise about Edward.

“I tried to keep up better this time through the woods, so naturally I fell a few times.” (p.61)

LS— Balance Fail: 19

SS— I kept waiting for this to be more comical. Like walking into a tree trunk, or, tripping over a root, falling into a nest of raccoons and getting her face devoured by the little monsters.

“a boy who looked to be the oldest of the visitors rattled off the names of the seven others with him. All I caught was that one of the girls was also named Jessica, and the boy who noticed me was named Jacob.” (p.61)

LS— Gosh, Bella. I wish I was as good at making friends and meeting people as you are.

SS— Wow, actually this Jacob character is a reference to future books, isn’t it? Aww, the angst.

“And I was thinking about how disjointedly time seemed to flow in Forks, passing in a blur at times, with single images standing out more clearly than others. And then, at other times, every second was significant, etched in my mind. I knew exactly what caused the difference, and it disturbed me.” (p.61)

LS— It disturbs me, too.

SS— I’ve heard that dilated senses of time and memory loss are associated with LSD use.

“Altogether, a very pretty face.” (p.62)

LS— “Oh, good. It looks like we can be friends.”

“We were all too shy to make much progress as friends.” (p.62)

LS— Pssh. It’s not like you make much progress with anyone, besides Mr. Angel Face Cullen, regardless if they are shy or not.

SS— “So… what do you like doing?” “Edward Cullen.” Awkward silence from all

““How nice.” She didn’t sound like she thought it was nice at all, and her pale, fishy eyes narrowed.” (p.63)

LS— Wow, SM. We know what sarcasm is. Way to make an already bad Mary Sue scene even worse.

SS— Those stinky fish people! So unlike Edward’s eye of burning melting golden honey.

““The Cullens don’t come here,” he said in a tone that closed the subject, ignoring her question… I stared at the deep-voiced boy, taken aback, but he was looking away toward the dark forest behind us. He’d said that the Cullens didn’t come here, but his tone had implied something more — that they weren’t allowed; they were prohibited. His manner left a strange impression on me, and I tried to ignore it without success.” (p.63)

LS— Yes, SM, we understood it. It was almost intriguing until you ruined it.

SS— Must everything be explained in bitesized chunks? I’m out of my highchair now. I can chew my own food without smearing it over my face and throwing up. I was even potty trained.

“I sounded idiotic to myself.” (p.64)

LS— Oh, don’t worry. You sound that way to me, too.

SS— At least you realize it—unlike Youtube commenters.

“I was tremendously grateful to Jacob, and eager to make him as happy as possible. I winked at him” (p.66)

LS— Uh, oh. My innuendo senses are tingling.

“I felt guilty as I said this, knowing that I’d used him.” (p.66)

LS— Oh, like you really care.

SS— Just like the time you were sorry you set up everyone on a date for homecoming so you wouldn’t have to go out with any of them?

“He was someone I could easily be friends with.” (p.66)

LS— Haha. I called it.

SS— Friends and oh so much more.

“Mike had reached us now, with Jessica still a few paces back. I could see his eyes appraising Jacob, and looking satisfied at his obvious youth.” (p.66) ““Okay.” I jumped up. “I’m coming.” (p.67)

LS— Jesus, it is just to easy to find innuendo in this chapter… And she really needs to stop saying she is coming…

SS—What Mike doesn’t know is that she into younger guys. And in Edward’s case, far older guys.

Comment [21]

The next chunk of that oh-so-popular drivel named Twilight. In this section we get a taste of Edward’s wonderfully controlling personality, and way to much of the judgmental and self-centered creature, Bella.

7. Nightmare

“I closed my eyes, but the light still intruded, so I added a pillow over the top half of my face.” (p.67)

LS— How about trying to turn off the lights? Or is that too logical?

SS— But she is so scared of the dark!

“his skin faintly glowing” (p.68)

LS— Oh my god, Edward is a light bulb!?

SS— No, but the perfect boyfriend should be able to function as a flashlight when needed. This becomes useful when he needs to fix the leaky drain.

“his eyes black and dangerous” (p.68)

LS— I didn’t know that somebody’s eyes could be dangerous. Maybe Bella misunderstood the phrase “glaring daggers” or “if looks could kill.”

SS— Stop stereotyping please.

“I took a step forward, toward Edward. He smiled then, and his teeth were sharp, pointed. ‘Trust me,’ he purred. I took another step.” (p.68)

LS— I’d hate to see what would happen if Bella ever ran into a sexual predator…

SS— …and tripped right over the table. “HAHA! Bella, you are clumsy!”

“I hated using the Internet here. My modem was sadly outdated, my free service substandard” (p.68)

LS— What do you expect from “free service”? And how do you manage to complain about free things?

SS— Neither statement really makes sense. And since when could you get free internet? It’s not like she is logging onto a wireless hotstop in the middle of nowhere.

“And then another problem, one that I’d remembered from the small number of scary movies that I’d seen and was backed up by today’s reading — vampires couldn’t come out in the daytime, the sun would burn them to a cinder. They slept in coffins all day and came out only at night. Aggravated, I snapped off the computer’s main power switch, not waiting to shut things down properly.”

LS— “Grrr… Why would those movies lie to me? I thought I could believe everything I saw on TV.”

SS— Twilight fans: you can’t believe everything you read in books either. Edward doesn’t exist, sorry.

LS— And I’m sorry to inform all of you, but real men don’t sparkle.

“What was wrong with me?”

LS— A lot of things, Bella, a lot of things.

“My sense of direction was hopeless… The trail wound deeper and deeper into the forest, mostly east as far as I could tell” (p.70)

LS— Do I even have to say anything?

“I followed the trail as long as my anger at myself pushed me forward.” (p.70)

LS— Wait… We don’t even know why she is angry. She was freaked out that Edward was a vampire, then really depressed, then irritated at her computer, and now she is hiking through a forest because she is mad at herself for reasons unknown.

“inhuman beauty” (p.71)

LS— Cream Count: 38

“Edward Cullen was not… human. He was something more.” (p.71)

LS— A sex god? Anyways. even though it isn’t really clear, we will add it to the count. Cream Count: 39

“I couldn’t even believe myself; anyone I told would have me committed.” (p.71)

LS— You know… That wouldn’t be a very bad idea.

“Only two options seemed practical. The first was to take his advice: to be smart” (p.71)

LS— Sorry, Bella, but I think for you that is out of the question.

SS— The second was becoming alcoholic.

“Because when I thought of him, of his voice, his hypnotic eyes, the magnetic force of his personality, I wanted nothing more than to be with him right now.” (p.72)

LS— I believe that creepy, stalker-like statement qualifies for 2 creams. Cream Count: 41

“Even if… but I couldn’t think it.” (p.71)

LS— You obviously could think it, otherwise you wouldn’t even know what you meant be saying “it.”

“I shivered and rose quickly from my place of concealment, worried that somehow the path would have disappeared with the rain.” (p.72)

LS— Just strengthening the argument that Bella is a nut job.

“‘I never noticed before — your hair has red in it,’ he commented, catching between his fingers a strand that was fluttering in the light breeze. ‘Only in the sun.’ I became just a little uncomfortable as he tucked the lock behind my ear.” (p.73)

LS— Only a little uncomfortable? Why is it that every time she has the right to be freaked out, she isn’t? And every time she shouldn’t be freaked out, she over reacts.

SS— Given the way he watches her, he had to have been lying.

“‘I mostly worked on my essay.’ I didn’t add that I was finished with it — no need to sound smug.” (p.73)

LS— How would that be smug?

SS— Everything she says is smug, are you kidding?

“Why couldn’t I ever have a pleasant conversation with Mike anymore without it getting awkward?” (p.74)

LS— Because Mike is a creepster and you are a sociopath.

SS— Oh, wouldn’t that imply them getting along pretty well? They could be cellmates some day.

“‘Well, we could go to dinner or something… and I could work on it later.’ He smiled at me hopefully. ‘Mike…’ I hated being put on the spot. ‘I don’t think that would be the best idea.’ His face fell. ‘Why?’ he asked, his eyes guarded. My thoughts flickered to Edward, wondering if that’s where his thoughts were as well. ‘I think… and if you ever repeat what I’m saying right now I will cheerfully beat you to death,’ I threatened, ‘but I think that would hurt Jessica’s feelings.’ He was bewildered, obviously not thinking in that direction at all. ‘Jessica?’ ‘Really, Mike, are you blind?’” (p.74)

LS— Hey, Bella, would you mind being more of a bitch? I’m not sure if you’re being enough of a horrible person. He may be creepy, but that is not an appropriate way to deal with him asking you out.

SS— Remember that girl I dumped on you so you couldn’t ask me out to dance? How inconsiderate of you not to think of her feelings!

“I was far too lost in my own frenzy of anticipation to notice much of what she said.” (p.74)

LS— Why does she make excuses? It is obvious that she just doesn’t care about any of her “friends” at all.

“spiraling downward in misery” “wave of disappointment” “The rest of the day passed slowly, dismally.” (p.75)

LS— All of this is because she didn’t get to see Edward that day. Overreact much?

SS— I freak out like that sometimes, like when one of my socks is turned inside out. Not cool.

“In Gym, we had a lecture on the rules of badminton, the next torture they had lined up for me. But at least it meant I got to sit and listen instead of stumbling around on the court.” (p.75)

LS— Balance Fail: 20

SS— This is far worse than Guantanamo Bay, that’s for sure. Good god, she gets physical exercise.

8. Port Angeles

“Jessica’s dinner with Mike had gone very well, and she was hoping that by Saturday night they would have progressed to the first-kiss stage. I smiled to myself, pleased.” (p.77)

LS— She is pleased because she knows other girls can only get the boys she regurgitates.

SS— Just think, one day they will be stuck in that kind of unhappy-twice-a-week-marriage-counseling marriage, and they’ll have Bella’s creepy manipulation of their lives to thank.

“I failed miserably in my attempt to sound nonchalant.” (p.78)

LS— You failing miserably at something? Couldn’t be.

SS— I’m trying really hard to fail at this, but I just can’t.

“I was beginning to really like Angela.” (p.79)

LS— I wonder how long this will last.

“Through the glass I could see a fifty-year-old woman with long, gray hair worn straight down her back, clad in a dress right out of the sixties, smiling welcomingly from behind the counter. I decided that was one conversation I could skip. There had to be a normal bookstore in town.” (p.79)

LS— In other words: “Eww! A gross hippie! Screw this, I’m going to find a bookstore with people who are exactly like me.”

SS— This just doesn’t make sense. Friendly old ladies are scary, but vampires aren’t? This world is so upside down.

“I was trying so hard not to think about him,” (p.79)

LS— Who are you trying to kid?

“A group of four men turned around the corner I was heading for, dressed too casually to be heading home from the office, but they were too grimy to be tourists. As they approached me, I realized they weren’t too many years older than I was. They were joking loudly among themselves, laughing raucously and punching each other’s arms. I scooted as far to the inside of the sidewalk as I could to give them room, walking swiftly, looking past them to the corner.” (p.79)

LS— “Yuck, look how they are dressed. I don’t even want to be near them.” What’s with Bella and judging people this chapter? She is worse than usual.

SS— It was a common belief in the middle ages that you could determine someone’s personality and disposition from their appearance, especially facial features. Although it’s now been shown that men with broader faces are generally more aggressive, the rest of the idea is hogwash. In other words, Twilight: kicking it back to 1573!

“They were from the same group I’d passed at the corner, though neither was the dark one who’d spoken to me.” (p.80)

LS— Why would you describe someone as “the dark one”?

“My purse was on a shoulder strap and I had it slung across my body… I thought about “accidentally” dropping my bag and walking away.” (p.80)

LS— Yeah, I’m sure you could make that look really “accidental.”

SS— Seriously? Seriously? If I saw Bella do that, I would probably pick up her bag, call her over, and give her bag back.

“Breathe, I had to remind myself.” (p.80)

LS— Actually, you probably didn’t have to remind yourself. Usually your body can do that on it’s own.

SS— This is Bella. She is so clumsy she has trouble walking and breathing at the same time.

“I turned my head forward at once, quickening my pace… it didn’t sound like they were speeding up, or getting any closer to me… I could hear them, staying as far back as they’d been before.” (p.80)

LS— Now, does that make any sense at all? They are moving roughly at the same pace. She speeds up, they do not. Yet they still stay the exact same distance from each other.

SS— When she looks away, they are very sneakily MC Hammer sliding towards her.

“A blue car turned onto the street from the south and drove quickly past me. I thought of jumping out in front of it, but I hesitated, inhibited, unsure that I was really being pursued, and then it was too late.” (p.80)

LS— Let me get this straight… She saw a car that was moving quickly, and thought about leaping in front of it. But, she isn’t really sure if she is being chased or not, so she decides not to.

SS— It makes a lot of sense. If she jumps in front of it, Edward will appear and stop the car, and then she’ll be able to escape. Tada.

“I was sure to trip and go sprawling if I tried to go any faster.” (p.80)

LS— Balance Fail: 21

SS— The ground: one big obstacle Bella keeps tripping over.

“That same pessimistic voice in my mind spoke up” (p.81)

LS— Oh, she is hearing voices now. Wonderful.

SS— “I’ll never be the most glamorous girl in school, sigh.”

“Shut up! I commanded the voice” (p.81)

LS— Never mind my last statement. She’s talking to the voices now.

SS— “No, you shut up! I’m tired of you always ordering me around, you cold monster. EDWARD IS MINE RAWR.”

“I dove into the road — this car was going to stop, or have to hit me.” (p.81)

LS— Please be the latter, please be the latter, please be the latter.

SS— Wouldn’t that sort of hurt? Like, a lot? I’ve sprawled onto pavement before, it hurts.

“But the silver car unexpectedly fishtailed around, skidding to a stop with the passenger door open just a few feet from me.” (p.81)

LS— I’m lucky I don’t have anything that could be used to start a fire right now.

SS— Wow, good thing the driver was a Hollywood stuntman, so he could totally pull that off.

“‘Put on your seat belt,’ he commanded” “He took a sharp left, racing forward, blowing through several stop signs without a pause.” “closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger.” (p.81)

LS— You know, taking sharp turns, speeding, and running through stop signs may seem dangerous, but it’s ok kids, they have their seat belts.

“I studied his flawless features” “blazing eyes” “he asked in his silken, irresistible voice.” (p.81-83)

LS— Cream Count: 44

“he commanded” “‘Distract me, please,’ he ordered.” “‘Just prattle about something unimportant until I calm down,’” “‘I’m taking you to dinner.’ He smiled slightly, but his eyes were hard. He stepped out of the car and slammed the door.” “‘I think you should eat something.’ Edward’s voice was low, but full of authority.” (p.81-83)

LS— And this is the man all of the girls are raving about? I guess it’s sexy if you treat women like property.

SS— Uh, duh. Sean “Make Me A Sammich” Connery is like the epitome of sexy.

“His voice was alluring” “He flashed his gleaming smile, dazing her momentarily.” “His face twisted up into that perfect crooked smile.” (p.84-85)

LS— Cream Count: 47

“‘Drink,’ he ordered. I sipped at my soda obediently” (p.85)

LS— Aww, so romantic.

SS— Edward is a small timer. On my dates, I tell the girl how to lift fork, scoop food, open mouth, insert food, withdraw fork, close mouth, chew, chew, chew, swallow, rinse and repeat.

“It fit him snugly, emphasizing how muscular his chest was.” “smelled amazing” (p.86)

LS— Cream Count: 49

“‘I followed you to Port Angeles,’ he admitted” (p.88)

LS— Oh, so we have a little bit of stalking now?

SS— Of course, this doesn’t make her feel weird. Only that other group did.

“It was very… hard — you can’t imagine how hard” (p.89)

LS— The innuendo returns again.

“amazed, yet again, by how graceful he was” (p.90)

LS— Cream Count: 50

“I was warm in his jacket, though, breathing in the scent of it when I thought he couldn’t see.” (p.90)

LS— That’s not weird of creepy at all.

SS— Especially since vampires ought to smell like corpse rot.

“‘Now,’ he said significantly, ‘it’s your turn.’” (p.90)

LS— Thanks for telling us when something is significant or not. I don’t think I could have caught that on our own.

SS— Wow, I’ve never seen that adverb used like that. It’s horrifying.

Comment [25]

This book is becoming more painful as I read. In this section we hit one of the most ironic things I have seen in a very long time. So many bad things… So little of the book covered… Oh, and this section might as well be called “There Will be Cream” because… Well, you’ll see.

9. Theory

“My mind doesn’t work right? I’m a freak?” (p.91)

LS— Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner.

SS— Too easy.

“‘Holy crow!’ I shouted. ‘Slow down!’” (p.92)

LS— What is this, Batman?

SS— Holy Hindenburg, Batman!

“‘Enough commentary on my driving,’ he snapped.” (p.92)

LS— Aww, he’s so cute when he is angry and commanding.

SS— That’s husband material, right there.

“‘You don’t care if I’m a monster? If I’m not human!’ ‘No.’” (p.94)

LS— “You don’t care if I rip babies in half and lick up the blood, then cook them up and eat them?” “Not if you look hot while doing it…”

SS— I am a … COOKIE MONSTER.

“‘Don’t laugh — but how can you come out during the daytime?’
He laughed anyway. ‘Myth.’
‘Burned by the sun?’
‘Myth.’
‘Sleeping in coffins?’
‘Myth.’ He hesitated for a moment, and a peculiar tone entered his voice. ‘I can’t sleep.’
It took me a minute to absorb that. ‘At all?’
‘Never,’ he said”

LS— In other words: “I have no weaknesses!”

SS— Occasionally they will misquote Shakespeare.

“‘Don’t let that make you complacent, though,’ he warned me. ‘They’re right to keep their distance from
us. We are still dangerous.’
‘I don’t understand.’”

LS— “GOD WOMAN! I’m a sparkly vampire. At least leave me with some dignity.”

“I didn’t answer; I just listened to the sound of his laugh, committing it to memory.” (p.96)

LS— … Hey, Bella. Good news. I found this wonderful little place you can move to. They give you this nice little complimentary jacket, that fits you nice and snugly. And they have these great little rooms. They are so comfortable, and there are pillows everywhere!

SS— See? Twilight does encourage women to be smart! She is making good use of her acute memory. Twilight just doesn’t encourage you to be independent.

“His eyes were gentle but intense, and they seemed to be making my bones turn soft.” (p.96)

LS— Cream Count: 51

“‘I fell,’ I sighed.” (p.96)

LS— Balance Fail: 21

“‘Well, you asked if the sun hurt me, and it doesn’t. But I can’t go out in the sunlight — at least, not where
anyone can see.’
‘Why?’
‘I’ll show you sometime,’ he promised.” (p.97)

LS— Oh god…

“‘What?’ His velvety voice was compelling.” (p.97)

LS— Cream Count: 52

“Don’t you see, Bella? It’s one thing for me to make myself miserable, but a wholly other thing for you to be so involved.” (p.97)

LS— Yeah, that’s usually how these relationship things work…

SS— Snicker.

“‘I’m serious,’ he growled.” (p.97)

LS— Why so serious? (Sorry)

SS— I swear, Edward spends half his time pretending to be a tiger. Sorry Edward, at your age, you are more of a cougar.

“sure enough, traitor tears were there, betraying me.” (p.97)

LS— We got the fact that they were betraying you when you told us they were traitors.

“‘What were you thinking tonight, just before I came around the corner? I couldn’t understand your
expression — you didn’t look that scared, you looked like you were concentrating very hard on
something.’
‘I was trying to remember how to incapacitate an attacker — you know, self-defense. I was going to
smash his nose into his brain.’ I thought of the dark-haired man with a surge of hate.” (p.98)

LS— Really? It’s that hard to listen to your basic instincts and hit him in the face and/or balls?

SS— Kick to the balls doesn’t work against heavily drugged up opponents, which a lot of muggers are. A better technique is a swift chop to the windpipe, which will disable them for a good long time.

“‘I fall down a lot when I run,’ I admitted.” (p.98)

LS— Balance Fail: 22

“‘Will I see you tomorrow?’ I demanded.
‘Yes — I have a paper due, too.’ He smiled. ‘I’ll save you a seat at lunch.’” (p.98)

LS— That part about the paper came out of absolutely nowhere. No paper was mentioned in this entire scene.

“I pulled his jacket off, taking one last whiff.” (p.98)

LS— … ‘Nuff said.

SS— His skin smells like crack.

“I’m not always the most dangerous thing out there.” (p.99)

LS— He says this “I’m dangerous” crap all of the time, but Smeyer has never actually shown us that he is dangerous, so the fear and the thrill of this “dangerous” love is non-existent.

SS— B-but, but, he says he is! It’s about as convincing as me saying I’m sexy repeatedly. Which I am, by the way.

“his pale, glorious face just inches from mine.” (p.99)

LS— Cream Count: 53

“And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.” (p.100)

LS— Seriously? You just figured that out? I would have thought the fact that you became his psycho stalker would clue you in… Apparently I gave too much credit.

SS— This line was so terrible in the movie. Ugh. Unconditional puppy love = vulnerable to abuse.

10. Interrogations

“It was very hard, in the morning” (p.101)

LS— And chapter ten starts off with a bang.

SS— I believe you mean a spurt. Is shot

“he caught me by surprise yet again. There was uncertainty in his voice. He was really giving me a choice — I was free to refuse” (p.101)

LS— Yes, I took this severely out of context, but this pretty much sums up their relationship.

“perfectly muscled chest. It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body.”

LS— Cream Count: 55

“I pulled the jacket onto my lap, pushing my arms through the too-long sleeves, curious to see if the scent could possibly be as good as I remembered. It was better.”

LS— This is creeping me out so much.

SS— See, she is addicted now. Funny that the county’s biggest crack abuser is right in the sheriff’s house.

“‘I’m not quite that delicate,’ I said … ‘Aren’t you?’ he contradicted”

LS— You woman, me man, you helpless, me protect you!

SS— That poor China Doll. I’m not sure she should be allowed outside of her protective box.

“‘You edit,’ he accused.
‘Not very much.’
‘Enough to drive me insane.’” (p.102)

LS— Aw, cute. You guys can be insane together.

“Hadn’t you noticed? I’m breaking all the rules now.” (p.102)

LS— Oooooh, rebel.

SS— This is exactly the kind of line that gets the fans riled up. Aren’t they soooo risky.

“It wasn’t really his fault that his voice was so irresistible. Or what his eyes were capable of.” (p.102)

LS— Cream Count: 57

“She gave me a meaningful look” (p.102)

LS— SM has such a way of describing things.

SS— “More adverbs, is what your writing needs,” I generously advised SM, graciously using my delicious voice.

“‘Yikes. What should I say?’ I tried to keep my expression very innocent.” (p.103)

LS— Hmm, maybe you should try thinking like an independent human being for once.

SS— Yikes. I can’t think for myself.

“‘Even better. He must like you.’
‘I think so, but it’s hard to tell. He’s always so cryptic,’” (p.105)

LS— It really isn’t hard to tell… Like, at all.

SS— Yeah, really, take a hint.

“he’d turned the overwhelming force of his eyes on her.” (p.105)

LS— Cream Count: 58

“‘Oh well. He is unbelievably gorgeous.’ Jessica shrugged as if this excused any flaws. Which, in her book, it probably did.” (p.105)

LS— Oh my god. This is the most ridiculous lines in the entire book. Does SM not actually notice that she DOES excuse all flaws of his flaws because he is “gorgeous”?! He is walking around like an obsessively controlling stalker and she ignores it all because he is so good looking. She really is so oblivious that she unknowingly makes fun of herself. Irony at its best, folks.

SS— That.

Also, Cream Count: 59

“There’s a lot more to him than that.” (p.105)

LS— No there isn’t. Nothing good at least.

SS— You just haven’t chewed to the creamy center yet.

“Really? Like what?” (p.105)

LS— Do I have to say it all again? He is the definition of creepy. Oh… You were asking Bella… Here is the real answer then:

“I can’t explain it right” (p.105)

LS— Hmm… I wonder why.

“looking more like a Greek god than anyone had a right to” (p.106)

LS— This book deserves fire. Lots and lots of fire. Cream Count: 60

SS— Except the Greek Gods had flaws.

“his dark golden eyes piercing” “Finally he spoke, voice velvet soft.” “His liquid topaz eyes were penetrating” “struggling to think clearly in spite of his face” “I waved my hand toward him and all his bewildering perfection.” (p.107-8)

LS— Ick… Disgusting fountain of cream. Cream Count: 65

“all the near-death experiences and being so clumsy that I’m almost disabled” (p.108)

LS— Almost disabled? Balance Fail: 23

“‘Well, look at me,’ I said, unnecessarily as he was already staring. ‘I’m absolutely ordinary’” “but you didn’t hear what every human male in this school was thinking on your first day.” (p.108)

LS— My Mary Sue senses are tingling.

SS— Edward, keep that to yourself, you perv.

“devastating smile” (p,109)

LS— Cream Count: 66

“If I had to, I supposed I could purposefully put myself in danger to keep him close”

LS— … That mental institution just keeps looking better and better.

SS— Relationship fail.

“I shook my head sadly. ‘You’ve never seen me in Gym, I guess, but I would have thought you would
understand.’
‘Are you referring to the fact that you can’t walk across a flat, stable surface without finding something to
trip over?’
‘Obviously.’” (p.109)

LS— Balance Fail: 24

“Again, he was leaving the choice up to me.” (p.110)

LS— The fact that this is worth noting is worrying by itself.

“His eyes did that unfair smoldering thing again.” (p.110)

LS— Cream Count: 67

Comment [41]

I know many of you have been waiting very patiently, so we decided to give you a chapter. Lately I (Lord Snow) have been having quite a lot of computer problems. My monitor died, then my computer itself died. So we have been a little behind lately. So here is a chapter! It was an extremely disgusting chapter, and the cream finally reaches three digits. Oh, and I should warn you, we have scrapped the side-note idea due to technical difficulties, so some of the more “inappropriate” comments have been mixed in. Nothing too offensive though…I hope. Anyways, I’d like to thank you all again for waiting. Hope you enjoy.

13. Confessions

His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday’s hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. (p.134)

LS— Oh no…I bet it was just FABULOUS!
K— I think your skin is faaaabulous!
SS— Yes, by now we are well aware that when you mean sparkle it is not figurative language. Unfortunately.

He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. (p.134)

LS— Would you like to toss in any more adjectives while you’re at it? Cream Count: 89
SS— Incandescent. Like Paolini, SMeyer isn’t fully aware of the implications of this word. Incandescence – the phenomenon of light emission by a body as its temperature is raised.

His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn’t sleep. (p.134)

LS— What the hell? Is he wearing make-up? Why are his eyelids lavender?
SS— Because his eyes are smoldering, so the skin is burning up.

A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, (p.134)

K— It’s mithril.

smooth like marble, glittering like crystal. (p.134)

LS— I think SM has some sort of statue fetish… She always describes him like this. Cream Count: 90

Now and then, his lips would move, so fast it looked like they were trembling. But, when I asked, he told me he was singing to himself; it was too low for me to hear. (p.134)

LS—…that line was just stupid.
K— Weird, I always pictured him as a baritone.
SS— He likes speed rapping or something? Also, I can’t even imagine what vampire rap would be like. “Imma vampire inna sun I need no umbrella. My bitch be a lily white cracka ass Bella.” Okay, so maybe I can imagine. I’m challenging you to write more lines.

The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence. (p.134)

K— Oh shoot, prepare for imminent purple prose explosion! (puts on goggles)

Hesitantly, always afraid, even now, that he would disappear like a mirage, too beautiful to be real…hesitantly, I reached out one finger and stroked the back of his shimmering hand, where it lay within my reach. I marveled again at the perfect texture, satin smooth, cool as stone. When I looked up again, his eyes were open, watching me. Butterscotch today, lighter, warmer after hunting. His quick smile turned up the corners of his flawless lips. (p.134)

LS— I bet you would like to reach out and stroke a different part of his shimmering, warm, smooth, perfect, cool, stone-like, light, flawless, and beautiful body. Wouldn’t you Bella? Also, I think I’m going to be sick. Cream Count: 95
SS— The goggles! They do nothing.

I lightly trailed my hand over the perfect muscles (p.134)

LS— Cream Count: 96
SS— There’s nothing about him that isn’t perfect, it’s perfectly obvious to me.

I looked up in time to see his golden eyes close again (p.134)

LS— Wait…didn’t you just say they were “butterscotch”?
K— Same thing! …er…
SS— I prefer the color ‘pisspot’.

His angel’s face was only a few inches from mine. I might have—should have—flinched away from his unexpected closeness, but I was unable to move. His golden eyes mesmerized me.(p.135)

LS— What’s with her and eyes? Cream Count: 98
SS— To be fair, I’m a sucker for eyes, but still. I think really, she just has sudden attacks of paralysis that she is rationalizing with her proximity to Edward.

I smelled his cool breath in my face. Sweet, delicious, the scent made my mouth water. It was unlike anything else. Instinctively, unthinkingly, I leaned closer, inhaling. (p.135)

LS— Now would be a good time to talk to someone about a restraining order…I feel the need to add another cream, so Cream Count: 99
K— Edward’s breath makes you high.
SS— If this concept wasn’t utterly revolting to me, I would say his saliva makes a pretty damn good soft drink.
LS— Oh, wow. I’m going to puke.

“I’m the world’s best predator, aren’t I? (p.135)

K— Excuse me, I need to laugh hysterically on the floor for a moment.
SS— That would be the liger.
K— It’s pretty much my favorite animal.

“Everything about me invites you in—my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!” (p.135)

K— “Jerk, shut your mouth flaps!”
SS— And your personality. Wait, no…uh, give me a moment, I want to figure this one out on my own.
LS— I’m sure the van that says “Free Candy” on the side helps invite people in, too. (Hey, he said he was the greatest predator.)

Unexpectedly, he was on his feet, bounding away, instantly out of sight, only to appear beneath the same tree as before, having circled the meadow in half a second. “As if you could outrun me,” he laughed bitterly. (p.135)

K— “Quit being such a jerk, Ed! I mean it this time!”
SS— If vampires were in the Olympics, America would win. Too bad they aren’t more patriotic. Or non-fictional.

He reached up with one hand and, with a deafening crack, effortlessly ripped a two-foot-thick branch from the trunk of the spruce. He balanced it in that hand for a moment, and then threw it with blinding speed, shattering it against another huge tree, which shook and trembled at the blow. And he was in front of me again, standing two feet away, still as a stone. “As if you could fight me off,” he said gently. (p.135-136)

LS— Picturing this scene is hilarious. He is running around like the freaking Energizer Bunny, trying to seem threatening, while sparkling the entire time.
SS— Wow, just wow. I can see why this scene did not make it into the movie. I’ve been informed this scene was in fact in the movie. And I guess I remember it now. It’s just that the book’s description is even stupider than it was in the movie. Wow.

He’d never been less human…or more beautiful. (p.136)

LS— Uh oh. Cream Count: 100 It finally hit three digits.
K— (waves flag and opens bottle of bubbly) Now let us sing Auld Lang Syne!
SS— Cheers. For some time tonight I’ll forget my sorrows, but that’ll be little comfort the next morning.

His lovely eyes seem to glow with rash excitement. Then, as the seconds passed, they dimmed. His expression slowly folded into a mask of ancient sadness. “Don’t be afraid,” he murmured, his velvet voice unintentionally seductive. “I promise…” He hesitated. “I swear not to hurt you.” (p.136)

LS— Cream Count: 102
K— He scares because he cares. This message brought to you by Monsters, Incorporated.
SS— I imagine his eyes being somewhat like HAL.
K— “I’m sorry, Bella, I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“Are you all right?” he asked tenderly, reaching out slowly, carefully, to place his marble hand back in mine. (p.136)

LS— ENOUGH WITH THE STONE REFERENCES!
SS— Hardness of his Hardness.

His answering smile was dazzling. (p.136)

LS— Cream Count: 103

His voice was harsher than usual. Harsh for him, still more beautiful than any human voice. It was hard to keep up — his sudden mood changes left me always a step behind, dazed. (p.137)

LS— Is she the teenage girl, or is he? Because he seems to be the one with all of the mood changes. Cream Count: 104
K— Abusive boyfriends are like that. Seriously.

He looked back at me and smiled, his mood shifting yet again. (p.137)

LS— This is getting annoying.
SS— Perhaps Edward has a three hour menstrual cycle.

“You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he’d gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let’s say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac — and filled the room with its warm aroma — how do you think he would fare then?” (p.137)

LS— In other words: “I like alcohol. You are like alcohol. I like you.”
SS— This is somewhat of an improvement over, “I like heroin. You are like heroin. I like you.”

“Maybe that’s not the right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead.” (p.138)

K— No, Edward is like the kid you knew in kindergarten who would sniff glue a lot. Bella is his special brand of Elmer’s.
SS— Gluesniffer’s Anonymous seems like a sad little organization.

“So what you’re saying is, I’m your brand of heroin?” I teased, trying to lighten the mood. (p.138)

K— (tugs hair in frustration) Use “said”! It’s not a bad word! GAH! Make it end!
SS— But hawt guys don’t say things. They whisper them seductively into the nape of your neck, sending tingles down your spine.

He smiled swiftly, seeming to appreciate my effort. “Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin.” (138)

LS— This is just getting more and more ridiculous. Anyways, I should correct myself. Now he is saying, “I like heroin. You are like heroin. I like you.” I’m sure this is a much better analogy. I’m guessing all teenage girls just love being compared to nasty, deadly, illegal drugs.
SS— Oh, here is that line.

He lifted his glorious, agonized eyes to mine. (p.140)

LS— I’ve never heard of an eye fetish before this. Cream Count: 104
SS— One day Bella will realize those were just expensive contact lenses.

“I’m an idiot.” (p.140)

LS— I agree.

“You are an idiot,” he agreed with a laugh. (p.141)

LS— See? The statue agrees, too.
SS— I know a lot of relationships incorporate light hearted teasing, but it becomes less okay when one partner genuinely believes it.

Our eyes met, (p.141)

K— —and suddenly, BEES! Hundreds of them!

and I laughed, too. We laughed together at the idiocy and sheer impossibility of such a moment. (p.141)

LS— I also think this moment is very idiotic. But, it doesn’t make me want to laugh. It makes me want to cut myself.
SS— I would give the usual advice, but I realized you probably are trying to kill yourself.

“And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…” he murmured. (p.141)

K— SYMBOLISM
SS— And they had horrific crossbred children. Or maybe that isn’t till the third book.

I looked away, hiding my eyes as I thrilled to the word. (p.141)

“What a stupid lamb,” I sighed.

LS— Yes, Bella. We have been over this many, many times. Everybody agrees that you are pants on head stupid.
K— Not just pants on head stupid…how do I shot web stupid.

“What a sick, masochistic lion.” (p.141)

LS— It’s almost like he is referring to us making ourselves read this drivel.
K— It’s alright, Smeyer, we forgive you.
SS— I can’t forgive the ball-gag, actually.

I can […] make this harder for you. (p.141)

LS— Sorry, I had too.

his marble hands (p.141)

LS— Seriously? Again?
SS— As opposed to his granite hand, which he reserves for serious business.

he was touching me. And then, too soon, he released me. (p.142)

K— Run away, Bella! He’s insane!

His eyes were peaceful. “It won’t be so hard again,” he said with satisfaction. (p.142)

LS— Oh, how I love innuendo.

I barely noticed, for I was touching his face, something I’d dreamed of constantly since the first day I’d seen him. (p.142)

LS— The “for I was touching his face” line makes me laugh, for some reason. Probably how pathetic it is. I mean, who dreams of touching someones face?
K— I did (sniff)…except I was punching someone, so I guess that counts as touching, right?

immobile as stone, a carving under my hand. (p.142)

LS— Oh my god, Bella. I don’t know how crazy you are, but your boyfriend is not a rock.
SS— Maybe her psychosis can be perfectly explained. You see, when she was a child she was very lonely. And she wished her pet rock would talk to her. So now, Edward is the mental aberration of her childhood hallucinations.

I caressed his cheek, delicately stroked his eyelid, the purple shadow in the hollow under his eye. (p.142)

LS— You stroked his eyelid? He has a purple shadow under his eye? How is that at all attractive?
K— Maybe she’s into the emo type.
LS— Except that this isn’t make-up.

I traced the shape of his perfect nose, and then, so carefully, his flawless lips. (p.142)

LS— Cream Count: 106
SS— Traced over them with a Sharpie! Dahahaha, look how silly he looks!

stone chest (p.143)

LS— This stone stuff is getting very irritating. Cream Count:107
SS— Bella is a gold-digger. Get it?

I could hear a smile in his voice. (p.143)

LS— Do I need to say anything?

His mouth twitched up into that crooked smile so beautiful my heart nearly stopped. (p.143)

LS— You have heart issues… Cream Count: 107
K— Oh crumpets, what do you want to bet she dies of the pretty? …Yeah, I wouldn’t bet on that either…

It was like clinging to a stone. (p.144)

LS— STOP IT!
SS— And then he brought his hard foot down, stomping on my finger. I let out a scream as the vertigo engulfed me, making the cliffside into a vague blur. There was an instant of bone shattering impact and then I died.

I could almost hear his eyes rolling. (p.144)

LS— Just like you could hear his smile?
SS— Well, if his eyes were made of stone, you probably would hear them rolling. It would sound like rock scraping against rock.

He startled me, suddenly grabbing my hand, pressing my palm to his face, and inhaling deeply. (p.144)

LS— …Wow. Just, wow.
K— Amazing. Bella, just when I think you’ve achieved maximum stupidity, you outdo yourself.

I felt as if I were stupidly sticking my head out the window of an airplane in flight. (p.144)

LS— That actually sounds like something you would do.
K— Hehe…don’t call me Shirley!

“Hah! You’re as white as a ghost—no, you’re as white as me!” (p.145)

LS— Ha. Haha. That was a knee-slapper.
SS— I lol’d.

His beauty stunned my mind (p.145)

LS— Cream Count: 108
SS— Nature’s Beauty (Casting Time: 6) Illusion. The caster transforms himself/herself into an ideal form of beauty for a brief moment. All who witnessed it (5’ radius) will go blind permanently (or until dispelled). Furthermore, if they fail a save v. spells (+3 bonus), they’ll die of pining for the beauty. Yes, I’m just about the only person on Earth who has played a decent amount of DnD 2.0.

And then his cold, marble lips pressed very softly against mine. (p.145)

LS— Oh, god.
SS— And…it felt like kissing rocks. What’s so appealing?

I felt him turn to unresponsive stone beneath my lips. (p.145)

LS— That’s it. Statue Count: 15
K— That’s it? The end of all that ridiculous squeeing and girlboners and all she gets is a kiss? Smeyer, just stop right now.

Comment [44]

Sly here… There was an introduction from Lord Snow, but in my boneheadedness I erased it. My apologies. Anyway, today we have a guest EWWer, our good friend Christopher “Fake” Paolini. Enjoy the grossness.

14. Mind Over Matter

“Are you ever going to tell me how old you are?” I asked, tentative, not wanting to upset his buoyant humor.

K— His humor floats.
CP — Bella is following “Ten Steps You Need to Take to Never Meet Chris Hansen”.

“Does it matter much?” His smile, to my relief, remained unclouded. (p.147)

LS— I’m calling Dateline.
K— Why don’t you have a seat over there.
SS— a/s/l, Edward, a/s/l. It’s not that hard to answer. 108/m/transylvania.

He gazed into the sun; the minutes passed. (p.147)

LS— Probably not a good idea.

“I was seventeen, and dying of the Spanish influenza.” He heard my intake of breath (p.148)

LS— Really? That shocking? Spoiler: He doesn’t really die. I thought you would figure that out since, you know, you are talking to him.
K— Damn, I was hoping it would be something cooler, like cholera or leprosy…
SS— Bella’s thoughts: “Oh my poor Edward. Oh no! What if he’s dead! Then I’ll never be able to touch him again! :C Wait…”
CP — Bella’s just surprised because she thinks that the Spanish Influenza was where they expelled the Jews from Spain.

“How did he…save you?” (p.148)

LS— Oh, wow, you really are dim aren’t you? Maybe he saved him by turning him into a vampire?
SS— Naw, he just gave him a flu shot.

looking away from the unbearable beauty of his eyes. (p.148)

LS— Cream Count: 109

my hopeless addiction to him. (p.150)

LS— Urgh, yes, we get it, you are all heroin addicts.
K— This isn’t a positive thing, Smeyer.
SS— Helluva drug.
CP — That’s cocaine, Mr. James. Plus, cocaine seems to be a pretty hopeful addiction, like, “I hope I get more cocaine!” I would compare this more to emotional addiction, like disappointment or Twilight fanhood.

I couldn’t picture it, this godlike creature sitting in my father’s shabby kitchen chair. (p.150)

LS— Cream Count: 110

I had to peek at him constantly to be sure he was still there. (p.150)

LS— God, you’re clingy.
SS— “I had to text him constantly to make sure he was still alive.”

Still pale, still dreamlike in his beauty, but no longer the fantastic sparkling creature of our sunlit afternoon. (p.150)

LS— What a disgusting line. Cream Count: 112

He reached the door ahead of me and opened it for me. I paused halfway through the frame.
“The door was unlocked?”
“No, I used the key from under the eave.”
I stepped inside, flicked on the porch light, and turned to look at him with my eyebrows raised. I was sure I’d never used that key in front of him.
“I was curious about you.”
“You spied on me?” But somehow I couldn’t infuse my voice with the proper outrage. I was flattered.
He was unrepentant. “What else is there to do at night?” (p.150)

LS— Sooo many things wrong with this. Why would she be flattered? He is stalking her. The fact that neither of them find anything wrong with this shows that they have some serious issues.
CP — And to think, if Edward Cullen had discovered Cinemax a mere two weeks earlier, his romance with Bella might never have been.

His beauty lit up the kitchen. It was a moment before I could look away. (p.150)

LS— Cream Count: 113

“How often did you come here?”
“I come here almost every night.”
I whirled, stunned. “Why?”
“You’re interesting when you sleep.” He spoke matter-of-factly. “You talk.”
“No!” I gasped, heat flooding my face all the way to my hairline. I gripped the kitchen counter for support. I knew I talked in my sleep, of course; my mother teased me about it. I hadn’t thought it was something I needed to worry about here, though.
His expression shifted instantly to chagrin. “Are you very angry with me?”
“That depends!” I felt and sounded like I’d had the breath knocked out of me.
He waited.
“On?” he urged.
“What you heard!” I wailed. (p.151)

LS— Wow, really? You’re only mad depending on what he heard you say while he was WATCHING YOU SLEEP? This is just ridiculous.
K— I don’t like Bella. She’s a bitch.
CP — I think it’s less creepy that he watches her sleep, and more creepy that he comes while doing so.

“None of the boys in town your type, eh?” He was suspicious, but trying to play it cool.
“No, none of the boys have caught my eye yet.” I was careful not to over-emphasize the word boys in my quest to be truthful with Charlie.
“I thought maybe that Mike Newton…you said he was friendly.”
“He’s just a friend, Dad.” (p.153)

LS— No, he isn’t. He is obviously not your friend, you do everything in your power to avoid him and everyone else who does not have the ability to sparkle.
SS— UrbanDictionary must have an incredibly specific phrase for what Mike Newton is.
CP — I think it’s an Angry Dragon.

“‘Night, honey,” he called after me. No doubt he would be listening carefully all evening, waiting for me to try to sneak out.
“See you in the morning, Dad.” See you creeping into my room tonight at midnight to check on me. (p.153)

LS— What? It is ok when your stalker boyfriend does it but not ok when your father does?
CP — As long as her dad’s not doing any of the other stuff Edward was. grossface

becoming a statue on the edge of my bed. (p.154)

LS— Statue Count: 16
SS— Hardness of his hardness, indeed.

But the hot water of the shower couldn’t be rushed. It unknotted the muscles in my back, calmed my pulse.The familiar smell of my shampoo made me feel like I might be the same person I had been this morning. I tried not to think of Edward, sitting in my room, waiting, because then I had to start all over with the calming process. (p.154)

LS— Don’t kid yourself. You are naked in the shower and Edward is a creepy bastard with extreme sneaking skills. Put two and two together.
K— Nonsense, Edward is perfect. He wouldn’t do that.

Edward hadn’t moved a fraction of an inch, a carving of Adonis perched on my faded quilt. I smiled, and his lips twitched, the statue coming to life. (p.155)

LS— Statue Count: 18 Cream Count: 114

he breathed in the scent at my wrist (p.156)

LS— What’s with everyone sniffing each other all of the time in this?

Bring on the shackles — I’m your prisoner. (p.156)

LS— Kinky.
K— [sings] I’ll let you whip me if I misbehaaaave…

I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry. (p.157)

LS— This really sounds like something an abusive boyfriend would say.

“Carlisle brought his compassion. Esme brought her ability to love passionately. Emmett brought his strength, Rosalie her… tenacity. Or you could call it pigheadedness.” he chuckled. “Jasper is very interesting. He was quite charismatic in his first life, able to influence those around him to see things his way. Now he is able to manipulate the emotions of those around him — calm down a room of angry people, for example, or excite a lethargic crowd, conversely. It’s a very subtle gift.” (p.159)

LS— Those are some lame super powers…
SS— Love passionately, ahahaha.
CP — Were I Jasper I would return that “subtle” gift, and exchange it for a name that isn’t shared with one of Cruella DeVille’s henchmen.

He laughed, and something touched my hair — his lips? (p.159)

LS— Ok, this line just had me laughing. I bet you all can imagine what my dirty little mind thought when she said “He laughed, and something touched my hair -”
K— There’s soda on my monitor now…

I wanted to turn toward him, to see if it was really his lips against my hair. But I had to be good; I didn’t want to make this any harder for him than it already was. (p.159)

LS— Ok, it just got a hell of a lot more funny.
K— HARDER.
CP — Heh. This is really obvious, so instead of commenting on the package (hah), I’d like to point out that my name abbreviates to CP. Haha.

the voice of an archangel (p.161)

LS— Cream Count: 115

Comment [18]

Hey everybody, sorry this one took so long, but I have been very busy and my computer is still busted, so this is how it’s going to be for a while. There were some weird things in this chapter…a ridiculously large amount of odd fetishes. Anyways, I hope you enjoy.

15. The Cullens

“Edward! You stayed!” I rejoiced, and thoughtlessly threw myself across the room and into his lap. (p.162)

LS— This is her response to waking up and finding Edward staring at her from a rocking chair. Sickening…

K— And another nauseating instalment of Twilight begins. I can’t wait.

SS— I’m just impressed at how a girl who is normally a klutz is able to catapult herself from across a room onto a relatively small landing area. Ah, the power of “love”.

R— Right into the lap. Bow-chika-bow bowwwwww.

I laid my head cautiously against his shoulder, breathing in the smell of his skin. (p.162)

LS— Seriously, what the hell is with the people and sniffing each other?

SS— I still think he ought to smell like rotting flesh.

It seemed like a miracle that he was there, his arms still waiting for me.

K— And also his dong.

He reached out to me, and my heart thumped unsteadily. (p. 162)

LS— You know what? I wish your heart was actually beating unsteadily, because then this book would be over. And how is it a miracle that he was still there? You guys have already been over the fact that you are in love. Multiple times.

“I love you,” I whispered.
“You are my life now,” he answered simply.

K—Oh, now we’re at the boring part…doesn’t Smeyer know reading about happy relationships are really dull?

SS— “You are my life now…fortunately, I’ve wanted to take my life for quite some time!”

R— He’s a vampire. So, he’s saying that Bella is his resurrected demonic half-existence. How…romantic…

There was nothing more to say for the moment. He rocked us back and forth as the room grew lighter.
“Breakfast time,” he said eventually, casually — to prove, I’m sure, that he remembered all my human frailties.
So I clutched my throat with both hands and stared at him with wide eyes. Shock crossed his face.
“Kidding!” I snickered. “And you said I couldn’t act!” (p.163)

LS— What the hell just happened? “insert generic loving statement“
“OMG I’m choking!”
“Oh noes!”
“LOL, I was JKing.”
“Betch…”

R— Edward Cullen is afraid of only one thing: Darth Vader.

He frowned in disgust. “That wasn’t funny.” (p.163)

LS— He’s right. SMeyer fails at writing funny moments. Or anything, for that matter…

R— “I was SERIOUS about that Darth Vader thing!”

“It was very funny, and you know it.” (p.163)

LS— No, it really wasn’t. Why on earth would she spontaneously choke anyway? It would have been “very funny” if she really did just start choking.

K— I can’t even structure a joke properly myself and that was the stupidest thing I’ve ever read.

SS— Err, I thought the joke was that she was pretending to think Edward wanted to bite her neck. Still not funny, but now I feel crazy.

R— “I asked for two things and two things only, and those were that our, uh, special pictures were not to be posted on the internet, and that NO MENTION SHOULD BE MADE OF DARTH VADER.”

He threw me over his stone shoulder (p.163)

LS— Me caveman. Me catch female. Statue Count: 19

His marble brow puckered. (p.163)

LS— Statue Count: 20

K— Ew…

R— Because all vampires have lips on their foreheads.

“You paid attention,” he smiled approvingly. (p.164)

LS— And that is surprising? She has a severe obsession over you, of course she pays attention.

R— “Except, apparently, when I specifically instructed you NOT TO MENTION DARTH VADER.”

He stood in the middle of the kitchen, the statue of Adonis again (p.164)

LS— Statue Count: 21

K— Stop it! Stop it! I need a break…

he smiled his heartbreaking smile. (p.164)

LS—Cream Count: 116

R— And you know that you’re a — cute little heartbreaker, huh! Foxy!

“Well, I don’t know if we need to give him all the gory details.”

K— Yes you do. Stop lying, goddamn.

He reached across the table to lift my chin with a cold, gentle finger. “But he will need some explanation for why I’m around here so much. I don’t want Chief Swan getting a restraining order put on me.” (p.165)

LS— You know? That would be a good idea… He probably should get her a restraining order.

R— Usually, that’s what you do to people who stalk you and watch you sleep. You file a restraining order.

He stared into my eyes for an immeasurable period of time. (p.165)

LS— I doubt that.

SS— The power of their love is so intense that it warps space time, okay?

R— Or more likely, Bella’s too dumb to read analog watches. “What are all these like, letters?”

I ended up in my only skirt (p.165)

LS—Wow. I just had a dyslexic moment. I read that as “I ended up in only my skirt” and I thought this book was actually getting interesting.

SS— What on earth? Me too. I’m beginning to think I’m just the wrong gender for this book.

my hair was entirely impossible (p.165)

LS— I doubt that, too.

His fingers traced slowly down my spine, his breath coming more quickly against my skin. My hands were limp on his chest, and I felt lightheaded again. He tilted his head slowly and touched his cool lips to mine for the second time, very carefully, parting them slightly.
And then I collapsed.

LS— Epic Fail.

K— I have no words.

SS— “As it turns out, building your daughter out of papier-mâché was perhaps not the wisest decision, Chief Swan.”

R— I’m a real girl now, Geppetto! Also, her hands were just about the only things that were limp.

“No — that wasn’t the same kind of fainting at all. I don’t know what happened.” I shook my head apologetically, “I think I forgot to breathe.” (p.166)

LS— Aww, why did she have to remember?

SS— Bella—so clumsy she can’t exert motor function and breath.

R— Bella then re-inserted her earbud headphones to once again hear the comforting directive: “breathe in, breathe out. breathe in, breathe out…”

I flushed with pleasure (p.166)

LS— Cream?

R— What a coincidence—that’s the same action I took with this book.

Her cold, stone grasp was just as I expected. (p.167)

LS— I’m not going to add a statue count for this because it wasn’t directed towards Edward, but I thought I would point it out regardless.

“You do smell nice, I never noticed before,” she commented, to my extreme embarrassment.

LS— Really, this smelling stuff is weirding me out.

K— Huffing kittens is better.

“Edward can do everything, right?” I explained. (p.168)

K— Yes, because he’s a goddamn Gary Stu.

LS— Way to point out poor characterization.

R— Everything. He’s single, ladies. Well, not really. But you know what I mean.

“Thank you,” I murmured. I realized there were tears in my eyes. I dabbed at them, embarrassed.
He touched the corner of my eye, trapping one I missed. He lifted his finger, examining the drop of moisture broodingly.

K— Just when I think Twilight can’t get any more horrible…it outdoes itself.

Then, so quickly I couldn’t be positive that he really did, he put his finger to his mouth to taste it. (p.171)

LS— claps Way to go, teenage girls. This is your dream boy.

K— [screams self into coma]

SS— Oh my, what? What? Just for a day, I want to act like Edward Cullen and prove that if any of this were to happen in real life, girls would not be at all impressed.

*R — And usually it’s Bella who utters the phrase, “Hm. This is salty.”

Comment [34]

It’s been quite a while but things have finally begun to slow down, so we had a chance to finish this. I was very busy with school and my computer was dead, as some of you may know, but everything is better now. School is slowing down and I got a new laptop, so here is the new segment. Enjoy!

16. Carlisle

Edward opened the door to a high-ceilinged room with tall, west-facing windows. (p.173)

LS— Throughout the entire book we are constantly reminded about Bella’s terrible sense of direction, but when she enters this room she can instantly decipher which direction the windows are facing.
SS— As long as it has to do with Edward she can know it instantly.

Every time he touched me, in even the most casual way, my heart had an audible reaction. (p.174)

LS— DIE ALREADY! You have set the world record for heart attacks, why won’t you ever die?
SS— If I were Edward I’d be getting pretty concerned about that weird popping noise that happens everytime he touches her.

Carlisle added, from a few feet behind us. I flinched; I hadn’t heard him approach. (p.174)

LS— Shouldn’t you be used to that by now? Edward has been doing that everyday for months.
SS— “Three plus four is SEVEN! Oh, hi Bella, didn’t mean to startle you.”

“No, there are very few ways we can be killed.” (p.174)

LS— Step right up, ladies and gentleman, and see the great invincible man: making the story boring because we now know that he is never in any danger.
SS— Yeah, rip them apart, set them on fire. It’s a good thing I bought the flamethrower/chainsaw combo. It’s really just a chainsaw doused in kerosene, but it works great for deforestation.

“He began to make better use of his time. He’d always been intelligent, eager to learn. Now he had unlimited time before him. He studied by night, planned by day. He swam to France and —”
“He swam to France?”
“People swim the Channel all the time, Bella,” he reminded me patiently.
“That’s true, I guess. It just sounded funny in that context. Go on.” (p.175)

LS— No, it didn’t. You’re just thick.
SS— Well, actually, it did sort of, but only because the author set that “joke” up in a lame way.

He chuckled darkly, and finished his sentence. “Because, technically, we don’t need to breathe.”
“You —”
“No, no, you promised.” He laughed, putting his cold finger lightly to my lips. “Do you want to hear the story or not?”
“You can’t spring something like that on me, and then expect me not to say anything,” I mumbled against his finger. (p.175)

LS— I’m pretty sure she already knew that. Plus, even if she didn’t, why would it have surprised her?
SS— You mumbled against his finger? Just wait till you are shouting against his mouth.

His features were immobile as stone. (p.175)

LS— Statue Count: 22
SS— Talk about stoic.

“I know that at some point, something I tell you or something you see is going to be too much. And the you’ll run away from me, screaming as you go.” He smiled half a smile, but his eyes were serious. “I won’t stop you. I want this to happen, because I want you to be safe. And yet, I want to be with you. The two desires are impossible to reconcile…” He trailed off, staring at my face. Waiting. (p.176)

LS— Enough of this “I’m so dangerous” crap. I’m sick of it. If you were actually a danger to her, you would just eat her face instead of warning her over and over and over again.
SS— Actually, I think he was referring to his: alcoholism, daddy issues, manic depression, reflexive anger, HIV infection, gambling addiction, foreclosed mortgages, ingrown toenail, divorces, illegitimate children, DUI convictions, obsession with collecting Japanese blowup dolls, and the blood fetish.

a gentle angel’s smile lit his expression (p.177)

LS— Cream Count: 117
SS— I forgot to take the smile, the last time I killed an angel. Damn.

And Edward, Edward as he hunted, terrible and glorious as a young god, unstoppable. (p.177)

LS— Bow to the almighty sparkling man. Cream Count: 118

His room faced south, with a wall-sized window like the great room below. (178)

LS— Here is that new great sense of direction she acquired five minutes ago.
SS— Maybe above each of the windows in the Cullen house they have a giant letter drawn, indicating which direction the window faces.

“It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share,” Alice announced. I stiffened for an instant (p.179)

SS— So did Edward. koff
LS— Quick, look! Somebody wrote “gullible” on the ceiling!

“We have to wait for thunder to play ball—you’ll see why,” he promised. (p.180)

LS— Oh, God. I was hoping this scene didn’t happen in the book. This is going to be disgusting.
SS— There is no justice.

Comment [36]

Hello everybody. The next instalment of the EWW is ready! Now that this is summer, I’m hoping I can get these out a bit faster. Anyways, hope you like it!

17. THE GAME

“The child has no idea.”
I bridled a little at the word child. “Jacob is not that much younger than I am,” I reminded him. (p180)

LS— And this is where SMeyer should have realized that the relationship between Edward and Bella was not age appropriate.

SS— “You are a pedophile,” I reminded him.

He looked at me then, his anger abruptly fading. “Oh, I know,” he assured me with a grin. (p.181)

LS— And this is when Chris Hansen needs to step in: “Hello Edward, why don’t you have a seat over there…”

R— Because you can’t spell pedophilia without -er…an “e”. Which is totally what Edward’s name starts with.

SS— I was hoping Edward would tell her her age in seconds. That’s fun and pretentious.

My heart lurched frantically (p.181)

LS— Screw it. Heart Attack Count: 18

K— Did it lurch off a cliff? Please? Yes?

SS— One of these days her heart is going to swerve out of the way of a deer.

R— Oh great, SMeyer already ruined vampires for me, now she’s going after my favorite character from the Addam’s Family…

He was waiting, perfectly still (p.181)

LS— Statue Count: 23

“Jake,” he said, still appraising me. (p.182)

LS— This sounds wrong.

R— Yeah I’d pay about eight hundred for that. Granted, that’s in vampire bucks, and I’m not so good as far as the conversions go.

“Take care,” Billy warned me. I didn’t answer. (p.183)

LS— Well, that’s just a bit rude, isn’t it?

SS— Bella doesn’t like his kind…

“Oh, hey, Jess.” I scrambled for a moment to come back down to reality. It felt like months rather than days since I’d spoken to Jess. “How was the dance?”

K— “A teenage wasteland.”

R— Don’t cry, don’t raise your eye.

“It was so much fun!” Jessica gushed.

R— Too Much Information.

Needing no more invitation than that, she launched into a minute-by-minute account of the previous night. I mmm’d and ahh’d at the right places, but it wasn’t easy to concentrate.

R— Too much Information.

Jessica, Mike, the dance, the school—they all seemed strangely irrelevant at the moment. (p.184)

LS— So far this entire chapter has just been one big reminder of how big of a bitch Bella is.

K— Way to be an awesome friend. You deserve a trophy for how awesome a friend you are.

SS— It’s the biggest trophy in the school, since at Forks they aren’t good at stuff like athletics or academics.

“Edward is the youngest, the one with the reddish brown hair.” The beautiful one, the godlike one… (p.185)

LS— Cream Count: 119

K— …Hang on, I just overturned my desk in rage.

R— I think Jesus would have the same reaction to this.

SS— I like how they have the little translation from Human talk to Twitard talk. Apparently in their linguistically isolated environment “reddish brown” means “godlike one”. This explains their eradication by the Spanish in 1547.

Edward stood in the halo of the porch light, looking like a male model in an advertisement for raincoats. (p.186)

LS— Cream Count: 120

K— Back. Oh, goddammit.

SS— Right…because he literally is a male model.

R— Ooh yeah, raincoats. Mmmmhm. When I think “sex” the next logical leap my mind makes is to raincoats. They’re so…rubbery. And wet.

“Thanks, Chief Swan,” Edward said in a respectful voice.
“Go ahead and call me Charlie. Here, I’ll take your jacket.”
“Thanks, sir.” (p.186)

LS— Way to follow directions, you disrespectful little punk.

R— Chief Swan sounds like the name of a homosexual Native American. “Ooh! I’m so graceful!”

SS— Except the swan can turn into a wolf. How’s that?

“Have a seat there, Edward.”
I grimaced. (p.186)

LS— Woah… Deja vu.

R— Oh fuck no. No she didn’t. First vampires, then Lurch, and now GRIMACE? Who’s next, the Hamburglar? YOU DON’T FUCK WITH THE HAMBURGLAR.

K— Maybe she’ll put Rainbow Brite in there too.

R— Because there aren’t enough homoerotic undertones…

I stopped dead on the porch.

R— I wish…

There, behind my truck, was a monster Jeep. Its tires were higher than my waist.

K— That’s…not that big actually, nice try though.

SS— I don’t know. Her waist is like what, 5’11”?

There were metal guards over the headlights and tail-lights, and four large spotlights attached to the crash bar. The hardtop was shiny red. (p.187)

LS— I sense over-compensation.

R— Or a hatred for kangaroos.

SS— Vampires: they destroy the environment, because it’s not like they live forever or anything. Wait.

“Aren’t you going to put on your seat belt?”
He threw me a disbelieving look. (p.187)

LS— God, Bella, how many times do I have to tell you seat belts are for nerds?

SS— What a caring boyfriend.

just his smell disturbed my thought processes (p.188)

LS— Cream Count: 121

R— “Oh, sorry. It’s the Taco Bell.”

K— I thought you were above fart jokes.

R— Twilight brings out the stupid and immature in me.

…PENIS.

I was suddenly welded to his stone figure. (p.188)

LS— Statue Count: 24

K— You can’t weld stone unless you happen to have like, magma. And thousands of years.

SS— She could be made of metal. Actually, if she were a robot it would explain both her lack of motor function and human emotion processing. And why Edward can’t read her mind.

K— True, but you still can’t weld metal to stone. …I’ll shut up now.

SS— Okay. I was going to argue he could be an unprocessed ore. :P

K— No, that would mean he would be imperfect!

R— Pwnt. And thirty seconds of my life I’ll never get back spent reading a debate as to whether one could literally be welded to Edward Cullen. Thanks guys.

K— Cake?

R— /eats cake

I stiffly unlocked my stranglehold on his body and slipped to the ground, landing on my backside.
“Oh!” I huffed as I hit the wet ground. (p.190)

LS— Wow, it’s been a while since we have had one of these. Balance Fail: 31

R— Stiff, strangle, body, slip, backside, huffed, wet. Nope. Not saying a word.

I held properly still. Then I sighed.
“You promised Chief Swan that you would have me home early, remember? We’d better get going.”
“Yes, ma’am.” (p.191)

LS— Why are you referring to your father as “Cheif Swan”?

R— And why is he calling her “ma’am”? That’s like, some seriously creepy Oedipus Complex going on.

SS— I hope the twist ending is that Bella is Edward’s mother’s descendant.

The grace and power took my breath away. (p.192)

LS— Cream Count: 122

R— Again with the autoerotic asphyxiation. Maybe Bella can be the next villain in a Quentin Tarantino film.

The crack of impact was shattering, thunderous; it echoed off the mountains—I immediately understood the necessity of the thunderstorm. The ball shot like a meteor above the field, flying deep into the surrounding forest. (p.193)

LS— No. The ball would have been destroyed. If real baseball players can break a ball on rare occasions, there is no way a ball would survive that.

K— Remember when Randy Johnson totally destroyed that bird? That was awesome…

R— His balls are so hot.

SS— Shot like a meteor. Get this guys, Edward hit the ball so hard it came from space and fell through the atmosphere where it burned up. It came from space.

R— Maybe since his testicles are from space, THEY’RE metal, and that’s how Bella got welded to him.

SS— Just…just no.

Comment [19]

So…this one took more than two months. To make up for it, this is a special cameo edition. —Sly

18. The Hunt

They emerged one by one from the forest edge, ranging a dozen meters apart. The first male into the clearing fell back immediately, allowing the other male to take the front, orienting himself around the tall, dark-haired man in a manner that clearly displayed who led the pack. (p.195)

LS— Wow, what a little bitch.
SS— Alpha-male there… Interestingly, the person who coined the phrase alpha-male revoked his theory, saying that based on a new body of research it was no longer an accurate description of pack behavior.
V— Wow, good thing we’re informed he’s the leader. I would have been totally lost.
E— Can’t you just smell the testosterone?
R— male, male, man, manner.

Their walk was catlike, a gait that seemed constantly on the edge of shifting into a crouch. (p.196)

LS— Is it just me, or is this visual totally ridiculous?
E— I imagine a walking squirrel.
V— Is it some sort of everlasting fall…?

A swift rigidity fell on all of them as James lurched one step forward into a crouch. Edward bared his teeth, crouching in defense, a feral snarl ripping from his throat. (p.197)

LS— Ok… What’s with everybody and crouching all of the sudden? Is that supposed to be intimidating?
E— Crouches are evidently extreeeemely intimidating. Even more so than towering over people, doncha know?
SS— Low center of gravity is a big deal, okay guys?
E— Aww, maybe they should take some balancing lessons, poor little twiddlydums.
V— If your snarl rips from your throat without proper posture.. I shudder to think what would happen.
R— When a swift rigidity falls on me, I think about baseball.
E— Or something else altogether. Please tell me I’m not the only one who thought of that.
R— Implied. xP
E— Those baseball uniforms are made of quite thin cloth…
R – And you thought “Yankee” was a term for an American…

“We have to get you away from here—far away—now.” He didn’t look back, his eyes on the road. The speedometer read a hundred and five miles an hour. (p.198)

LS— “What the hell are you doing Edward?” “Saving you.” “By going so fast you deserve a Felony? You know… If you crash I’ll still die.”
SS— Thankfully vampires get 50% off on auto-insurance. It’s super handy.
V— I thought vampires were cool enough not to have to watch the road?

“Turn around! You have to take me home!” I shouted. I struggled with the stupid harness, tearing at the straps. (p.198)

LS— What are you going to do, idiot? Jump out?
V— Dumb Bella, it’d save your life.
E— Yeah, especially since the straps are so flimsy she can tear them.
SS— I don’t know if you know, Bella, but there is this button on the buckler you can press down on to release the locking mechanism. Most people learn this about the time they stop sitting in car-seats.
E— Or you can just, you know, lean back a bit and it releases you.

“No! Edward! No, you can’t do this.”

K— “Shut up Bella, I’m going to pay the fucking rent and you can’t stop me.”

“I have to, Bella, now please be quiet.” (p.199)

LS— Aww, cute. He’s so polite in saying: “Shut up, woman. The men are talking.”
R – “…And while you’re at it, make me a sammich.”
V— Yeah, Bella, he has to.

“Bella, please just do this my way, just this once,” he said between clenched teeth. (p.201)

LS— Are you kidding? “Just this once”? She does everything you tell her to do.
SS— Sometimes she spreads the mayo on his sandwich left to right, instead of right to left. It drives him crazy.
R – Other times, she spreads other things.
V— Yeah, the mayo..

“Bella.” Edward’s voice was very soft. Alice and Emmett looked out their windows. “If you let anything happen to yourself— anything at all — I’m holding you personally responsible. Do you understand that?” (p.203)

LS— “Now, Bella, I know this sounds a bit crazy, but I’m going to let you be responsible for yourself. Just for a little bit, though.”
E— “Don’t do anything stupid. Like falling over. Or trying to drive without me in the car. Or trying to live without me.”
R— Bella: “I’m gonna like, go chill at the malt shop.”
Edward: “DON’T GET RAPED”

Comment [23]