Ari

Ahh, dialogue. We all know it’s the best part of a story; forget those boring descriptions and those long, dreary, travel scenes. Dialogue is the heart of the tale—it not only adds life to a novel, but to the characters themselves.

And what’s more, it’s fun. Writing dialogue is simply fun. You get to put in all those witty comebacks you’ve been saving, or really add some hints about your MC’s “epic” romance. It doesn’t really matter. What does matter, however, is the dialogue itself.

Unlike the rest of a story, dialogue is supposed to be easy to skim, and adds variety to the structure of your novel. People are instantly drawn to it. I’d rather read a few short sentences than a big block of text, wouldn’t you?

The question is, how do you write it? For those who truly don’t know, it takes more than making up some words and putting some quotation marks around them (though that’s what some writers seem to think). To make it easier, I’ve divided up dialogue into four easy categories (tone, tags, reaction, and realism), and I’ll be doing an article for each. First up is one of the most important: tone.

But wait—what is tone? Let’s take a look before we get started. In the words of the Oxford Dictionary, tone is this:

“A modulation of the voice expressing a particular feeling or mood.”

Not a bad definition, that. Basically, think of tone as you would in real life. Your mom probably adopts a stern tone of voice when she sees you up late, reading, etc. You might acquire a joking tone when you’re, well…making a joke. It’s that simple.

The tone of your dialogue is what gives it personality, both to the story and to the character who’s saying it. I’ll start off with an example from a story that I’m currently working on. It’s still in rough draft form, so it’s far from perfect, but I think it will serve the purpose I need it to.

“Who are you?”

“Who am I?” said the male. He gracefully bowed his torso; Sarn growled and jabbed her sharp at him, and he winced. A tiny rosebud of red appeared through his shirt. “Ow.”

“I told you not to move,” Sarn spat out.

He glared at her, one hand pressed against his sternum. “Then allow me to introduce myself. I’m Tor’iphos of the People – Tor, for short. Secondary character—main character in training—and brother and story-link for the Storyteller of the tale-world of Sun, to your service.” He began to bow jauntily, a rakish grin replacing the glare, but stopped as Sarn stiffened and pushed her sharp closer to his heart. Blue eyes were still. “Now, who are you? And…where exactly am I?”

Again, not the best, but it works.

When you read this, you get (or should get, if I’m doing my job right) an idea of both of the characters. It’s obvious that Sarn’s somewhat dangerous and also very suspicious—she’s not willing to take any chances on her safety. I won’t give you a detailed background on her, but this is warranted in the place where she lives.

Tor, on the other hand, is a significantly lighter character, even though he is similar to Sarn in some aspects. Even so, you can tell he’s much more apt to joke than Sarn is. His tone is lighter, and conveys a different sort of personality (I hope). It’s not the most emotional of scenes, but once I’m done polishing there should be loads of emotion in the dialogue.

The thing is, you can show a lot in the tone of your dialogue, simply by changing a few words. As another example, I’ll use one of the most infamous scenes from Brisingr—my all-time favorite book. :p Here goes.

“All the while, the man continued to beg, tears streaming down his cheeks, saying that he was too young to die, that he had yet to marry and father a child, that his parents would miss him, and that he had been pressed into the army and this was only his fifth mission and why couldn’t Eragon leave him alone? ‘What have you done to me?’ he sobbed. ‘I only did what I had to do. I’m a good person!’

Eragon paused and forced himself to say: ‘You can’t keep up with us. We can’t leave you; you’ll catch a horse and betray us.’

‘No, I won’t!’

‘People will ask what happened here. Your oath to Galbatorix and the Empire won’t let you lie. I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to release you from your bond, except…’

‘Why are you doing this? You’re a monster!’ screamed the man. With an expression of pure terror, he made an attempt to dash around Eragon and return to the road. Eragon overtook him in less than ten feet, and as the man was still crying and asking for clemency, Eragon wrapped his left hand around his neck and squeezed. When he relaxed his grip, the soldier was dead.”

I think it burned my eyes to retype that. D:

Now, what can you discern about Eragon’s personality through the dialogue here? I, for one, can’t get much. There’s not really a personality to speak of…just a murderer. Let’s see how this would look if written differently, yes?

And, simply because I didn’t know, “clemency” is an over-guilded word for ‘mercy.’ CP, why didn’t you just say mercy? But that’s beside the point—let’s get back on topic.

“All the while, the man continued to beg, tears streaming down his cheeks, saying that he was too young to die, that he had yet to marry and father a child, that his parents would miss him, and that he had been pressed into the army and this was only his fifth mission and why couldn’t Eragon leave him alone? ‘What have you done to me?’ he sobbed. ‘I only did what I had to do. I’m a good person!’

Eragon paused and forced himself to say: ‘I know…I know. I’m so, so sorry.’

‘Then why are you doing this? I never did anything to you!’

‘Because—because I don’t know how to release you from your bond,” said Eragon. “If I did, I would release you in heartbeat, I swear it. I’ll make your death painless, I promise you. Please…’

‘Why are you doing this? You’re a monster!’ screamed the man. With an expression of pure terror, he made an attempt to dash around Eragon and return to the road. Eragon overtook him in less than ten feet, and as the man was still crying and asking for clemency, Eragon wrapped his left hand around his neck and squeezed. When he relaxed his grip, the soldier was dead.”

Despite the temptation, I didn’t touch any of the non-dialogue prose. Not one bit. (I added in a ‘said Eragon’, though, which, interestingly enough, is the only ‘said’ in there. Heh.) I did, however, make some changes to what Eragon and the man said. It’s not the best, especially since I didn’t touch the rest, but I did try to convey what I thought Eragon would be going through. Conflict. Guilt. You know the drill. Do you see a difference? Unlike Pao-Pao’s bit, I really attempted to pour out as much feeling as I could. It was actually very sad; while rewriting I my heart felt heavy. I could literally feel the terror of that poor, nameless man, and the conflict that Eragon should have had…but never did.

The question is, did you?

And that, my dears, is the heart of well-written, riveting dialogue. It pulls you along right into the heart of the story, and it gives you a glimpse of the true character of the person saying it.

Wow—that was deep. I’m pretty proud of myself. For old time’s sake, let’s look at that dialogue one more time—cut to the bones.

‘I only did what I had to do. I’m a good person!’

‘I know…I know. I’m so, so sorry.’

‘Then why are you doing this? I never did anything to you!’

‘Because – because I don’t know how to release you from your bond – if I did, I would release you in heartbeat, I swear it. I’ll make your death painless, I promise you. Please…’

‘Why are you doing this? You’re a monster!’

Famous last words. Literally.

Comment [18]

Yo, this is Ari and her imaginary friend here-

Pan: I make all the funny comments.

Sure, you do. Anyways, me ‘n Pan are here for a special sporking series we’ll be doing on what has to be the worst fantasy book ever written. For those who don’t know, it’s called Maradonia and the Seven Bridges; it’s a self-published book by a kid named Gloria Tesch. Most of you probably already know about this since we’ve been ranting about it a lot on the AS Livejournal. You can go to her “website” (beware, it’s a little scary and more than a little arrogant) here.

Hope you enjoy. Sorry if the humor falls flat at times; it’s my first time doing a public sporking and I’m not quite as funny as the other awesome people on here. :p Let us begin? It’s pretty frickin’ long.

…the feast was being prepared at the palace of ‘Apollyon, the King of the Evil Empire’.

Pan: Can you spot the overused cliche?

Ari: Because no one would suspect that the ‘Evil Empire ©’ is actually evil. Nooooo.

Pan: Who knows? It could be a clever move. Perhaps the ‘Evil Empire’ is actually a place of…goodness…happiness? She could be trying to fool us.


Ari: ignores comment Wait – the King of the Empire? That doesn’t sound familiar at all. And you never start a book with ellipses.

Pan: ….Moving on!

Ari: slaps

All the principalities, powers and rulers of the air, the underworld and the commanders of the ground troops had arrived for the meeting of the general council.

Ari: Air! I rule you! Bow down before me, air!


Pan: You’re scaring me.

Arabella, one of the spies in the service of the underworld,

Ari: To give credit where credit is due, Arabella is a rather pretty name. I like it.

Pan: It’d be better without the ‘Bella’ part.

was still waiting for her opportunity to talk to King Apollyon, but the ‘Hoodmen’, the organizers of the meeting, gave her no chance to talk to him. They advised her to sit down at the end of the big hall, far behind the oval table in the information area which was prepared for witnesses and attendees without voting rights.

Ari: I’m confused. People can vote in the Evil Empire ©? We’re only in the first paragraph, and there have been like…four different governments used. 

Pan: Only if they want a new king. Duh.

At the oval table was enough room for the seventy most high ranking rulers of the ‘Evil Empire’.

Ari: How many people rule this place?

Pan: You moron. Seventy. Read the text.

Ari: Reading this makes my eyes burn.

Abbadon, Plouton, Aruses, Gertrude, Lorris, Ceara, Andromeda and Cassandra, Persiano and Pegany and seven other powerful fairies

Pan: snerk Powerful fairies. Charge, my homosexuals of power! Attaaaaack! 


Ari: Forget that. Look at the Greek mythology infodump before it. That’s something we call “useless.” They’re not real characters, you fool, so why list their names?

Pan: Never mind. Gay people are way above this thing. 
I have nothing against gay people, but I wouldn’t even call this book gay. It’s too bad.

sat down at the table with the rulers of the air, Sutornia, Juny and Uranimos, then the three rulers of the Titans,

Ari: Being a mythology nerd, this irks me. You can’t rule the Titans, you moron. Not to mention all the other mistakes. 


Pan: Perhaps she’s talking about the football team from Tennessee?

Ari: Why not? That’s actually more plausible.

Orphilios, Remmilos and Marcarios and a great number of the ground troop commanders It was very quiet in the hall before the meeting started because everybody was waiting for the appearance of ‘King Apollyon, the mighty ruler of the underworld’.

Pan: Ari, you should introduce all your characters with quotes from now on.

Ari: headdesk Grammar fail.

The congregation had to wait a long time until finally a group of dwarfs materialized in mid air and opened the big wing doors of the ‘Kingdom Hall’ when King Apollyon appeared.

Ari: Because walking through the doors would be much harder than somehow (it’s not explained) materializing. 


Pan: materializes There are dwarves in the Underworld?

Ari: I guess they’re too short to reach heaven. Poor guys.

Pan: Why is the Underworld always the place of EVUL? It’s very cliche.

Everybody got up from their seat and bowed down several times until King Apollyon gave the sign to sit. Then he took a seat by himself in the king’s seat

Ari: Let’s start a drinking game. Every time we find a sentence that’s not grammatically incorrect, filled with misused quotation marks, is inconsistent or just plain stupid, take a drink of something of your choice. sips diet coke

Pan: Heh, the king took a seat by himself. Guess he wasn’t good enough to sit…never mind, I can’t come up with a proper joke.

at the oval table and looked around with great satisfaction. King Apollyon started his speech with the words, “I declare the ‘General Council of our Empire’

Ari: drinks Wow.

Pan: And italics! This is getting pretty hardcore.

as inaugurated

Ari: Thesauri around the world scream as they are raped. Couldn’t she just say “in session?” 


Pan: But that doesn’t sound nearly as…


Ari: Stupid? 


Pan: I was going to say amusing.

and everybody at this table has the opportunity to speak freely and openly, but before we will jump into a dialog and the exchange of new ideas, let me introduce and greet my guests of honor.

Pan: This sounds like a republic, you know.

Ari: takes another swig How long is this thing? 


Pan: Four more pages.

Ari: WHAT THE HECK NO. sob

Pan: No worries, the formatting is so screwed up it’s really only like one more page.

Arabella stretched up her neck

Ari: Ew. Just ew. Bad mental imagery. Streeeetch. I guess she never heard the phrase “craned her neck” before.

Pan: Maybe she’s from those Thai tribes with the neck rings.

and expected a warm welcome. “Our guests of honor today are… the ‘Seven Spirits’

Ari: gulps drink 


Pan: Not so much. We have to stay sober for this. 


Ari: It reads better when you’re drunk. 


Pan: You’re already drunk? You’re drinking diet coke.

Ari: I really, really want to be drunk. Then I can pretend the screwed up sentences are products of my screwed up mind.

Pan: …

Ari: Ellipse! bangs head against wall

our beloved ravens and I want to place them at the seat of honor just at the left side of my chairmanship.

Ari: What the….a chairmanship is a person. Thesaurus rape! 


Pan: steals drink Perhaps he wants the ravens to sit, er, perch, to the left side of whoever the chairmanship is.

Ari: Give that back, fool. And wouldn’t the king be the chairmanship?

Pan: Government type number five. This is so sad.

Arabella sat down again offended and insulted that she was not honored at all… coming from so far away… and with such an important message.

Ari: Grammar fail!!!11!! 


Pan: Somewhere, far, far away, little ellipses are screaming from being abused.

You might ask me why is it… that the seven ravens are our guests of honor today, especially at this important meeting. I will tell you why…

Ari: Every time an ellipse is used in this “book” a puppy is killed and made into a book cover for this thing. Which looks like this:

Pan: ….that’s almost as scary as the prose. Is that supposed to be a beautiful woman?

Ari: At least the Eragon books are semi-pretty. This just makes me want to get really, really, really drunk.

they brought us the message, we were waiting for!

Ari: You’re using the commas, improperly!

Pan: drinks

We did not even know that we were waiting for that message.

Ari: Then how were you waiting for it? Inconsistency.

Pan: drinks You’re right, this stuff actually makes more sense when I’m drunk.

Ari: I’m going to have to drown my sorrows when I’m done with this. Let’s move on.

You see my sons Abbadon and Plouton sitting at my right side.

Ari: No, we don’t. There’s this thing about writing called “showing” that you obviously have not heard about.

Pan: Pshaw. Only stupid people show. Real authors like Gloria spell out everything.

Ari: Time to steal another diet coke. And how long is this king guy speaking?

We learned recently that Abbadon lost a battle in a very devastating crusade against the enemies.

Ari: For a really long time, then. His name sounds like Abdomen.

Pan: Think he has a six pack?

Ari: In the land of Sue, he probably has a quadruple-dozen pack.

Abbadon was accompanied by three of our most feared fairies

Pan: Fearful fairies of doom and darkness, attack!

during this crusade…and …as most of you know… he was defeated by those kids,

Pan: Curse you meddling kids! 


Ari: I’d so rather be watching Scooby Doo right now. D:

Maya and Joey and an army of teenagers.

Ari: This also sounds familiar

Pan: Moronicus storius dieus!

The three leaders of the Titans, Orphilios, Remmilos and Marcarios

Ari: AKA, useless characters ten, eleven, and twelve. 


Pan: All the characters still seem pretty useless so far. Has anything happened yet?

Ari: We’ve gone through a lot of diet coke.

jumped up and hit their fists so hard on the oval table that it splintered

Ari: They need to get a desk like mine. No matter how many times I smack my forehead against it, it doesn’t break. However, this book may change that.

Pan: It looks like it’s ready to splinter…let’s get this done. For the good of the desk!

as they yelled, “How could that be? How is this possible?”

Ari: Why are you asking? Such annoying questions?

“Calm down my friends, calm down!”

Pan: Now they’re all friends. Even with the fairies? 


Ari: Might be more than friends.

Abbadon

Pan: stares at stomach Abdomen.

tried to do his best to destroy the enemy as did Gertrude, Lorris and Ceara

Ari: I really want to pronounce that “Ciara” even though I’m pretty sure that’s not right.

Pan: This – book – is – automatic, supersonic…hip…naughty…funky fresh! 


Ari: Time for another drink. Coke count – 3.

also tried to eliminate the troops of the enemy with their wall of fire, waves of fire, walls of total darkness and with the glowing heat cushion

Ari: Glowing Heat Cushion ©. Guaranteed to give you the most restless sleep you’ve ever had.

of burning snowflakes!

Pan: I’ve heard of oxymorons…this is it without the oxy.

Ari: Prepare yourself. I think we’re about to embark on a dangerous path with this book. drinks 


Pan: Full of burning snowflakes?

Nothing worked… and our commanders left in terror, totally discouraged, wondering what happened to their powers.

Ari: What powers? Inconsistency, people. There’s a lot of it in this book.

Pan: I love how this king dude speaks. It reminds me of a fifth grader.

So…I was thinking

Ari: Really now? I don’t think the author was. 


Pan: More puppies are dying! Stop the bloodshed!

… and …I went to my study chamber and looked into some of my very old books but I could not find the answer.

Ari: Google it.

Then the spirits

Pan: That are also ravens, mind you. That sit in chairs.

came back from their ‘spy trip’ through the ‘Land of Maradonia’.

Ari: Why ‘do’ you keep ‘talking’ like this ‘all the time?’ Quotation rape.

Pan: I think the whole English language is being raped by this piece of crap.

Ari: ‘Hopefully there’ won’t ‘be’ any ‘Ancient Languages.’

From the outside of the City Hall of Selinka, their capitol, they had picked up the words ‘Pool of Blood’.

Ari: Which isn’t ominous at all. 


Pan: Who picked up the words? The people or the ravens? 


Ari: Words can’t be picked up, you idiot. drinks

When I heard this news, it triggered

Ari: A seizure? Please die.

some understanding in my mind that there is indeed a pool of blood.”

Pan: Which is now not capitalized. Inconsistency.


Ari: And in the same paragraph as well. When you think you’ve learned everything about bad writing, someone surprises you.

“A pool of blood!? What do you mean?” asked Abbadon.

Pan: Abdomen!

“What I mean is that in the triangle between the ‘Thordis River’, the ‘Canyon River’ and the ‘Cornerstone Massive’…

Ari: Massive what? Bad mental imagery there. I’m a pervert.

Pan: These are making Paolini’s fantasy names look really…good. Something is seriously wrong here.

Ari: drinks That’s because he stole them from Tolkien. 


Pan: Gloria Tesch should have done the same. What crap author did this kid steal from?

Ari: I don’t want to know.

somewhere at the foothills in the mountains is a hidden pool or shall I say, a lake and… I remembered…

Ari: That you’re stuck in what is officially the worst fantasy story ever? I wish I could make myself forget.

that ‘Ruach, the King of Light’

Ari: So if I say ‘Maradonia, a crappy book’ ,does it look better?


Pan: Nah, still looks stupid. 


Ari: And look, the token king of Goodness and Light ©. I was waiting for him to crop up.

once got angry with us and threw the mountain,

Pan: He threw a mountain? In the Underworld?

Ari: I don’t know what to say. drinks I need to be way more drunk for this crap. Screw the diet coke, we’re going for the straight vodka.

including our castle,

Ari: AND A CASTLE? 


Pan: If this guy’s so powerful, why did he need the help of two bratty kids and the DA?

and some of our powers into that lake. Maybe you remember ‘The fall of the Mountain Gamma’!

Pan: I’m going to try and figure out how powers are thrown into a lake.

Ari: Don’t. Your brain will explode.

The water of this lake turned into blood!”

Ari: Again, this sounds really familiar. Being Christian, that somehow annoys me. I don’t like Biblical stuff being stolen for crap books. shrug I need something else to drink.

Pan: Perhaps the author’s firstborn will die. 


Ari: She’s fourteen – er, fifteen. Almost. 
P

Pan: But think – she just raped the whole language in a few pages. There has to be some illegitimate children there.

What does that old story have to do with us today?” Plouton asked.

Ari: Nothing at all. The author just wanted to up her word count.

“Let me finish my son, I will answer this question and what I try to explain, will help all of us answer many questions.

Pan: Grammar fail. 


Ari: He wants to finish his son. Who did he eat first? 


Pan: Bet you Abdomen tastes like…whatever belly would taste like.

The ruler of the ‘Land of Maradonia’, King Astrodoulos,

Ari: I swear the King was named someone else. It sounded like a choking sound.
Rape? Ricah? Ruach? I think that was it.

Pan: Could be two kings….


Ari: Or perhaps the King of Maradonia isn’t the same as the King of Light and Sparkly Rainbows. ©

sent a small group of his troops, commanded by these teenagers

Ari: For once, Paolini’s done a better job. At least his young, uncouth rebels had, like, swords and dragons and magic and stuff. These guys have teenagers.

Pan: Dumbledore’s Army had magic!

Ari: headdesk

and led by General Genarius, to this lake… because anyone… including the horses… who dives into the floods of this lake is ‘untouchable’ by our powers.”

Pan: snerk General Geranium! 


Ari: Ah, the Deux Ex Machina © plot helper. This time it’s a lake.

Pan: Of blood!

Uranimos, one of the rulers of the air got up from his seat and yelled, “I remember that disaster!”

Ari: Is this girl serious? She named a guy Uranimos? 


Pan: drinks Your anu-


Ari: Shut up.

Apollyon got angry

Ari: Ah, I remember when I used to write like this. When I was nine. It brings back such…well, just really bad memories, actually.

Pan: He got an angry what?

and said, “When that mountain… with our former castle on top… was thrown into that lake… several of our powers, which were hidden in that castle, mingled with the water of that lake and created a special red substance, a liquid which makes everybody who dives into that lake…. untouchable from our powers.

Ari: That red substance which is blood?

Pan: I think this king guy is really stupid. He takes so long to say everything.

“That is very depressing news!”

Ari: This is a very depressing book! Makes me seriously doubt the future of America.

Plouton, the younger brother of Abbadon and one of the high ranked rulers said. “But it seems that we have to live with the fact that we cannot touch

Pan: Na, na na na, CAN’T TOUCH THIS! 


Ari: So they were molesting people?

several of these people with our own powers any longer!”

Ari: What do you know? I was right.

Pan: Incredible.

Remmilos, one of the leaders of the Titans started screaming, “This is unbelievable! How is it possible that our leadership ignored such important facts for such a long time? Maybe…we need a change in the leadership of our ‘Empire’!

Pan: So it is a republic. Or something. 


Ari: Inconsistency. I feel like we should be counting it. 


Pan: It would be at a million already. Don’t even bother.

King Apollyon was enraged, closed his eyes and laid his hands slowly, flat on the oval table.

Ari: drinks Grammar fail. This is so sad.

when he opened his eyes again he turned his hands around and two glowing fire balls appeared, hovering over the palms of his hands.

Ari: That sentence is grammatically incorrect in so many ways. How old is this kid again?P

Pan: She’s almost fifteen. Her birthday is this month. 


Ari: Crap, is this what teen writing is coming to these days? The end is frickin’ nigh!

A sudden and a bitter fear of death covered the hall like fog and this fear became visible in the faces of all attendees.

Pan: It also appears on the faces of all who read this book. They’re afraid that the Underworld will be as grammatically incorrect as this book thinks it is.

Two of the dwarfs marched straight over to Remmilos and one of them said, “You have no right to criticize the leadership of our ‘Empire’ and our anointed King Apollyon.”

Ari: I thought he was elected. 
Pan: Government count: 6

Remmilos shivered with fear and answered, “But King Apollyon encouraged all of us at this table to speak freely and openly and I thought that we have the opportunity to exchange new ideas!”

Pan: Democracy does not exist in fantasy novels. Amateur. 


Ari: Fool. Crap, how much longer is this thing?

Pan: A few more paragraphs.

Ari: Nooooooo.

The dwarfs stepped rapidly back when they saw that the king rose from his seat.

Ari: Isn’t the plural of dwarf “dwarves?” 


Pan: I really don’t know. You always steer clear of the token fantasy races in your writing, don’t you?


Ari: And with good reason. Also, tense usage fail.

Apollyon looked at Remmilos without pity when the two fire balls floated in mid air.

Ari: I have this urge to read Eragon. It seems so much better compared to this. Which is probably the saddest thing I’ve ever said.

Then the king nodded and the fire balls melted into one single unit, still hovering over the oval table.

Ari: Because fire, you know, usually melts. It doesn’t burn up or anything.

Pan: Let us drink!

Ari: Being drunk was a much preferred option a long time ago.

When King Apollyon folded his hands and nodded again, the fire ball hit the heart of Remmilos,

Pan: Which is completely different from Remmmmmiloniliosie’s heart.

one of the three leaders of the Titans and consumed his body completely.

Ari: Stop introducing everyone! We really don’t care. 


Pan: I never knew Titans were so combustible. Not like they were, you know, gods or supreme beings or anything like that.

Ari: So now Greek mythology is being raped?

Pan: It was raped a couple of pages before.

One of the dwarfs filled the ashes, the remnant of the Titan, into a bucket and disappeared with all the other dwarfs in mid air.

Pan: Not like you’d need an explanation or anything. 


Ari: I wonder where they went. 


Pan: To Alagaesia. That mead they gave Saphira? Had a little something extra in it.

Ari: Lovely.

Orphilios and Marcarios were outraged. The remaining two leaders of the Titans looked at each other with indescribable hate, which was building up within them against King Apollyon but both of them remained silent.

Ari: Overused cliche number forty-six: indescribable insert emotion/sensation here.

Pan: It might be better. She’d probably just hack up the English language if she tried to describe the looks on their faces.

Everyone was exceedingly horrified and held their breath when King Apollyon continued with his speech, so as if nothing had happened.

Pan: Poor commas. 


Ari: It annoys me so, when they speak, like this.

“We will track these kids down and maybe there is a way to eliminate them once and for all,

Pan: Once and for all. Fool. 


Ari: I can’t get past the fact that the king speaks like an elementary school kid.

even if they are invincible or untouchable for our powers.

Ari: Because nothing can defeat The Evil Empire ©

I could not locate the ‘Pool of Blood’

Ari: Didn’t you say your mountain and castle were in it? How hard is it to find something with a mountain sticking out of it?

but I received the answer from our seven flying spirits, which was a conclusion for me and the reason why I made the ravens my special guests of honor today.”

Pan: So a little bird told him. 


Ari: Seven of them. Because it always has to be seven. Man, I’m so sick of the random quotations.

Arabella swallowed and repeated, “Lake of blood? And Maya and Joey are…?”

Ari: Well, she popped out of nowhere. I still like the name. 


Pan: Not the Bella!

Electric shockwaves, ponderous thunder, blinding lightning’s

Ari: The thunder was…cumbersome? Clumsy? 


Pan: I’m more interested in what the lightning possesses.

inflated and filled the hall. The dwarfs materialized again out of nowhere

Ari: And in Alagaesia people are really freaking out as dwarves randomly go MIA.

Pan: Mebbe this is where that Hrothgar dude went when he died. The afterlife, where he was to serve in an even worse fantasy book.

when the ruler of the underworld, King Apollyon, continued with his speech in a boisterous voice

Ari: King + boisterous? That doesn’t seem right. And stop introducing him! We know who he is.

Pan: Killing that Titan dude perked him up.

and said, “Let me tell you a secret…”

Ari: LUKE I AM YOUR FATHERRRRR

Pan: I’M REALLY VOLDEMORT.

Ari: I’M HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A FAIRY.

To steal from Falconempress, this book makes me want to do this:

Thanks for reading. Hope you didn’t stab your eyes out.

Comment [91]

Hey, this is Ari and her crazy friend, Sing, from da ‘hood. Pan is still around somewhere, but he decided to take the backseat for this one.

We’re here with the second sporking of Maradonia and the Seven Bridges, which is a literary disaster that makes our brains boil wonderful piece of writing. This is Chapter One. It’s preceded by this freaky drawing lovely piece of artwork.

Some have wondered. Who is Gloria Tesch? For those who didn’t visit the website, you can read her bio here.

Gloria Tesch was born on April 17,1994 in San Diego, Southern California. Gloria Tesch is a master story teller and she was crafting her tales, characters and places of ‘Maradonia and the Seven Bridges” with extraordinary diligent and talent. Gloria Tesch has the brightness of vision necessary to create sweeping epics and it is the storyteller’s simplicity and gift that makes readers love her. Gloria Tesch celebrated her thirteenth Birthday when she presented her first book of the Maradonia Saga, ‘Maradonia and the Seven Bridges’.

Gloria Tesch started writing when she was nearly eleven years old. She wrote short stories, poems and was a frequent visitor at the local library. Sometimes she was reading more than five different books per week. The love for fantasy and fiction inspired her to write the 90 chapter ‘Debut Novel’ – ‘Maradonia and the Seven Bridges’.

Incredible. She really is a master. Five books a week? shakes head Unparalleled, that is. [/endsarcasm]

…Mmkay. Thankfully (for everyone) this chapter’s much shorter, so you can get through it easier. There’s also lovely photos for you to enjoy. But beware…Sing’s Taiwanese/Chinese/Generic Azn. This automatically mean things are going to get crazy.

Really crazy.

THE NEW SCHOOL
“Get up! It’s your first day of school. Maya and Joey, you don’t want to be late.”
Their mom called from the kitchen.

Sing: The New School. Oh good. Angst time.
Ari: Nice font size change. Reminds me of a picture book.
Sing: Thus peter rabbit was hunted down by Farmer George, skinned, and is now being chopped up by their mom calling from the kitchen.
Ari: Nuooooo! Not Peter rabbit D:
Sing: …
Ari: AHEM. First thing: grammar fail. And she called to their bedrooms from the kitchen? How small is the house?
Sing: Actually, I’m wondering where the comma went. O_O Isn’t it supposed to be ‘late…,” their mom called from the kitchen.’?
Ari: NO COMMAS ALLOWED, FOOL. Not in the hood.
Sing: D: is cowed

Maya was very excited to go to the new school and she was hoping to make some new friends.

Ari: Sounds like something from a second grader’s story.
Sing: And she’s obviously never been new. I WAS EXPECTING ANGST >:O. PS. To readers: that was an entire paragraph. No. Really.
Ari: Time for a new drinking game. This time, it’s every time we smell a Sue.

The family had moved during their summer vacation to Oceanside.
Joey knew that the new school would be challenging but he also knew that he could make friends easier than anyone else.
Maya was different. She was tall and a very beautiful girl and although she stood out of the crowd, she was extremely shy and did not make new friends easily.

Ari: Here’s the first infodump. Maya was different. SUE ALERT. drinks
Sing: drinks Tall, beautiful, stood out in a crowd, shy. She’s perfect.
Ari: Did this girl read the manual for sues and copy directly from it?
Sing: No. She wrote the manual, foo. With the help of CP and Meyers. And why do I smell a self-insert? Not to mention that she reminds me of Bella.
Ari: dies What. Even Bella is better than this. At least Eragon is a sociopath and Bella got the hot vampire dude, and she was sort of funny…falling a lot.
Sing: Eragon’s not supposed to be a sociopath though… and her hot vampire dude…well…sparkles.

Maya and Joey got along just fine but in many ways they were opposites.

Sing: Opposites attract. ….incest?
Ari: Totally.
Sing: My thought process frightens me.
Ari: …I was thinking the same.
Pan: appears You two are such perverts.

Maya was always hesitant and she was mostly thinking before she started doing anything.

Sing: Awkward prose make my eyeballs spin. So she was thinking before, but only mostly… did she stop thinking after?
Ari: I sense innuendo.
Sing: He’s pushing her too hard. Don’t give in, Maya!
Ari: Abstinence is key. She doesn’t want to go that far yet. Don’t worry though. Virginity is a gift you can rewrap… again…and again… a never-ending Christmas!

Joey was spontaneously acting before he started to think about a situation. Often they disagreed on private matters and it took them a while to agree on something.

Sing: I. Am. Dying. This is beyond grammar fail. This is grammar torture, rape, and murder.
Ari: I know. …I wonder what private matters is. :O
Sing: It’s none of our business. It’s private. winkwink
Ari: “But Joey, I don’t want to become a woman, yet.” “Make me a man, Maya!”

After Maya and Joey had finished breakfast, they walked to the bus stop and waited for the bright yellow bus to arrive.

Sing: MAGIC SCHOOL BUS 8D

Ari: So what? That’s what they ride in America.
Sing: But it’s bright. The lack of dust or mud or anything most school buses have must be symbolic. It’s special. It’s a sign of destiny. It’s foreshadowing … Look, I’m trying to help her here.
Ari: … Right. At least they don’t have the weird buses like here in china.
Sing: No, we just have boring gray buses with kid spitup up the aisles.

Starting school at ‘Oceanside High’ was more difficult then Maya thought.

Ari: Not the random quotation marks again. Why does she do this?
Sing: Of course, being ‘shy’ and ‘new’, she wouldn’t have thought it would be ‘difficult.’

Joey made friends instantly. He was always popular.

Ari: poof instant friends! Just mix with water. drinks
Sing: Popular! You’re gonna be po-pu~lar! I’ll teach you the proper poise, when you talk to boys~~
Ari: Nuoooo. Wrong story. I wish we were watching Wicked.
Sing: <3

At his old school, Joey was once part of a nationwide painting poster-contest and he won this contest. He received many letters from several congressmen in Washington, from the governor and from the superintendent of all the schools of the state.

Sing: Wow. Awesome poster painting = National recognition. My Gary Stu senses are tingling.
Ari: She’s obviously never won a contest in her life. drinks
Sing: My 3rd grade essay in a how drugs are bad contest won me a Frisbee once.
Ari: Once I won a pack of condoms…wait, wrong story. Forget I said that.

He kept these letters in his treasure box in his room and he is still very proud to have them.

Sing: Along with his security blankie…
Ari: And a pile of pirated porn…or Playboy. Tense usage fail.
Sing: They used the Playboy bunny’s skin to make the cover of this book.
Ari: What happened to puppies? shock

During the banquet in honor of Joey in his old school, a real senator from Washington was greeting Joey in the name of the President and was praising Joey’s ability by saying, “Joey, you have great potential. When I look at your poster I can see your ability as a bridge builder, who can create in his fantasy bridges into different dimensions.”

Sing: All this for painting a poster. Maybe I should paint a poster. drinks
Ari: It must be a pretty epic poster. drinks
Sing: It was. It had fantasy bridges. And I still don’t get what he’s trying to say.
Ari: A real senator.
Sing: As opposed to a fake senator? We have enough of those. They want something. It’s in the way they smile at you.
Ari: We can use someone like you, Joey. By the way, what senator would say that?
Sing: Actually, what human being would say that. I can’t make heads or tails of it. I keep thinking there’s a word missing there.
Ari: Glora Tesch, obviously. And I think there is.

When Maya saw her brother running in the school park or walking in the hallways during recess she always saw a bunch of teenagers who gathered around Joey.

Sing: Ohhh, jealousy. Sibling rivalry. It’s getting better. And I think Joey should sparkle.
Ari: I WANT A SCHOOL PARK. Why don’t we have a school park?

When Maya said “Hello” to anyone of the students and tried to be friendly, no one really responded.

Ari: O_O First time she used quotations properly
Sing: I’m afraid to move.

Most of them just looked at her and treated her as a stranger in the new school. They felt that Maya was somehow different than the other students but they did not exactly know what it was.

Sing: Because she is a stranger?
Ari: Duh. You’re the new kid. And it’s time for another drink. drinks
Sing: And she’s different. They don’t understand her. Make the jump to Planet Sue with Ludicrous speed (> ._______.)> sips bubbletea
Ari: Don’t tell me you’re drinking bubble tea. Which, for all you folks at home, is this:

Sing: I am. AZN PRIDE. >3< You are such a traitor to the azn awesomity.
Ari: You sound like Kenneth Eng. is white
Sing: … shoots eng
Ari: I’ve taught you well.

It took Maya several months to make a couple of new friends but she made also some enemies. One of them was ‘Alana Terence’! She was a member of the ‘Gothic Movement’ and she had a very rebellious spirit.

Sing: ‘Alana Terence’!!1111! In quotations AND italics. This is so hardcore.
Ari: Of the goffick movement. Like in My Immortal.
Sing: You’re doing it wrong. It’s the ‘Goffick Movement’ And never remind me of that fic again. >.<
Ari: What’s the gothic movement? I didn’t know Goths were organized like that.
Sing: Maybe it’s a clique, but they have a special ‘Utimate Evil™’ name because they’re so epic like that. It’s in quotations after all.
Ari: And why are Goths always automatically bad people?
Sing: I dunno. I have a friend back in California. She’s Goth, and she’s awesome, and smart, and funny.
Ari: I know really nice gothic people, and they just like wearing black. Nothing wrong with that.
Sing: I think Maya’s just jealous.
Ari: I’m jealous. I want to be in the ‘Gothic Movement’
Sing: We should start one. I’m wearing black already.

She was one of the ‘bullies’ in the school and she was mean to everyone, especially to Maya, because she sensed a different spirit in her.

Sing: ‘bullies’. Because these are special bullies. They abuse quotations. Kinda like how ‘Gloria’ does. And Alana reminds me of Alanna.
Ari: Tamora Pierce owns this thing a bazillion times. This shouldn’t be used as toilet paper to wipe Tamora’s butt.
Sing: Lovely image, Ari. ANYWAYS. Tamora Pierce is win. And her guys are sexy.
Ari: I <3 Numair.
Sing: OH ‘DARK AND SEXY’ 8D
Ari: Is Alana psychic? Or are they all just really New Age-y?
Sing: drinks I dunknow.

Being fifteen and starting in a new school was not easy.

Sing: We’ve established this. Not to mention the million kids in the world who have been new before already know without you banging her insecurity into our heads to make us pity her. You don’t have to do that. We already do.

Maya felt still like a stranger in the new school.

Ari: Who knew that new kids would feel strange?
Sing: Maya still felt like a stranger. It’s not that hard to switch two words, girl.

Although Maya had several problems, she was a highly unusual girl in many ways. She was a very spiritual and a very serious person.

Sing: Several problems. This might explain a lot.
Ari: Highly unusual. Sue alert. drinks
Sing: She’s spweshial :O drinks bubbletea
Ari: The author is supposedly Christian. Is this supposed to convert people? I’m Christian and I don’t want to be converted.
Sing: Reminds me of CP and atheism. Well, give her props for trying to send a message in her writing. Better than a plotless sex fantasy gloop like Twilight.
AriL Hey, Twilight has messages. smears on eyeliner It’s deep, okay???? OKAY?

Soon after Maya was born, her grandmother was holding her in her arms and said, “This is indeed a very serious child!”

Ari: This is such Trainwreck/10. So horrible, yet fascinating.
Sing: I think her grandma couldn’t find anything nice to say.
Ari: It reminds me of the Lion King…when Rafiki held Simba over the cliff and stuff. HE WILL BE KING.
Sing: Alright. My inner writer can’t stand this. Must. Fix. “Soon after Maya was born, her grandmother had held her in her arms and said, “This is a very serious child, indeed!” Ok. I think I made it worse D: Maybe there’s a reason she doesn’t use proper grammar.
Ari: It’s a statement. Be cool. Don’t use grammar. I mean, who uses it anymore? So yesterday.

When Maya was four years old she started painting huge oil paintings and worked with water colors.

Ari: AT FOUR YEARS OLD?

Sing: Oh woopee. Another prodigy. When I was 4, I finger-painted.
Ari: When I was four, I ate play-dough, and chased butterflies. drinks
Sing: I watched Sesame Street :3 And cried whenever I saw Barney.
Ari: high fives I watched Magic School Bus. I didn’t paint frickin’ huge oil paintings.
Sing: I did. I was ‘a highly unusual girl’.

With eight years, she had her first exhibition in form of an article in the ‘National Journal of Art’ with an interview and six of her best pictures.

Sing: Does she mean ‘within’ eight years?
Ari: Is there really a National Journal of Art?
Sing: Why not? It’s in quotations after all.
Ari: I Googled it. There’s nothing.
Sing: You know. Most people with true talent, Picasso, Whitman, weren’t made famous until after they died. And here she is, so amazingly talented and worshiped while she’s still alive. You’d think she’d develop into a more arrogant archetype.
Ari: Should we kill her then?
Sing: We should. Maybe then we’d appreciate her more.

Maya wrote stories and poems and was building statues from clay.

Ari: O rly nao? Sing, this is for you.

Sing: <3 that. My tip for her? Join the Art Club.

She was a very optimistic girl about everything in life but she was absolutely unhappy in the new school and she could not really figure out ‘why’ she was so unhappy.

Sing: .___________. She was a very optimistic girl. Now, why doesn’t this make sense to me?
Ari: angstangstcutcut ‘why’ DDDD: ‘Why’ Why cannot I find true wuv? D:
Sing: Maybe she’s not trying to be liked. Oh wait, no, she said hello, and she has a couple of friends.
Ari: ‘Why’ am I so beautiful and talented? It’s SUCH A CURSE.

Maya had the peculiar feeling that everybody hated her for just being there.

Ari: I hate her for just being there.
Sing: When I see ‘peculiar feeling’, my mind goes off on dirty tangents.
Ari: Me too. I have this peculiar feeling… in my pants.

Comment [65]