And the Despot of Design declared, “Let there be a place where a bio may reside, where article authors may include information of the stalker-enabling sort, where this information may be condensed within one convenient place,” and made it so.

And it was good.

Albeit empty.

Articles by Apep:

Hey all, and welcome back. As I’m writing this, my place of work has shut down for the next two weeks in the hopes of stemming the spread of the coronavirus. So how better to cope with the social isolation in the face of a pandemic than to rip into a bad YA novel? I mean, now I have even less of an excuse to avoid this than normal.

But enough about that. Let’s get to it.

The final chapter of City of Glass.

Hit it.

I could include a recap of everything that’s happened up to this point, but if you don’t know what’s going on, why are you even here?

Go back and start from the beginning.

What’s wrong with you.

This chapter’s title is “Weighed in the Balance”, which is a nice reference/call back to the ending of the previous book. For those who need their memory jogged, as Valentine’s ship started sinking, he referenced the story of Belshazzar’s feast from the Book of Daniel, which is where we get the idiom of “the writing on the wall.” In that case, part of the eponymous writing was interpreted to mean something along the lines of “you have been weighed, and found wanting”, thus justifying the Babylonians being conquered by the Persians.

Of course, a more skeptical person might interpret this story as one of two things:

The formerly enslaved Hebrews throwing shit at their former masters, and/or
Said formerly enslaved Hebrews sucking up to the new powers that be, the Persians

But that’s beside the point, because it has no relevance to this stuff at all.

Getting back to the book, we pick up with Clary falling into the lake.

This feels very familiar.

She somehow ends up lying on the shore, and after coughing up some water, realizes that her wrists are tied. Of course, being Clary, she has no interest in figuring out why her hands are bound, or who bound them, and instead takes the opportunity to stare at her surroundings, finally realizing that she’s next to the same lake that she initially fell into way back in chapter two.

Blah, blah, lengthy description of her surroundings, blah.

Seriously, though, she takes all this time to stare at her surroundings, but doesn’t even wonder about why her hands are tied up. This girl, I swear…

Hey, something vaguely relevant: nearby, someone has set up a makeshift table from some rocks. The fact that the other two MacGuffins are sitting on said table should reveal who did it, but this is Clary Fray we’re talking about. Part of me wonders why Valentine didn’t bother splurging on a folding table or something just in case, but I guess that would ruin the visual he’s going for.

Also, in the table are a bunch of runes “carved into the sand.”

Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t think it really qualifies as “carving” when you can do it with your finger.

You Keep Using That Word: 1

And as Clary tries to make sense of what she’s seeing – the runes, not how they’ve been “carved” into sand – Valentine notices she’s awake and comes over.

Was he just standing off to one side or something? Weird.

Also, we get this line when Clary recognizes him:

The shock of seeing him was so enormous that it was almost no shock at all.

The fuck does that even mean?

Anyway, Valentine is all decked out with weapons, though apparently some of them must be pretty small, since they’re dangling off a harness he’s wearing.

Valentine then explains what an astute reader has probably already figured out: he saw Clary fall out of her Portal

You Keep Using That Word: 2

and into the lake. So he dived in and saved her, because as we’ve long since figured out, Clary is utterly helpless.

Also, Valentine cast “Silence”:https://5e.tools/spells.html#silence_phb on her. I’m not complaining, though I do wish I wasn’t stuck in Clary’s POV, because I’m still getting her thoughts. Oh well. I’ll take what I can get.

Although I do question his decision to use magic to bind her arms and legs rather than, say, rope. It just feels unnecessarily complicated.

Unfortunately, Valentine has gone full cliche villain, and so has decided to take this opportunity to get in some Villainous Monologuing.

I guess that’s where Sebastian/Jonathan picked that up.

Also, Valentine is clearly not that busy. Which should really be the biggest indicator that his plan is going to fail – a smart villain would just get on with their plan instead of wasting their time giving a lengthy speech.

Also, given that the MacGuffin Sword was supposed to originally belong to an angel, the description of it sure is sinister. Like, how else am I supposed to interpret a description like “sucking the illumination from the air around it”?

Anyway, Valentine says he didn’t intend to experiment on Clary while in-utero, and Clary kinda believes him – at least, insofar as he didn’t mean to experiment on one of his own children.

Of course, I do question his judgement, given that he thought slipping his wife powdered angel blood would somehow cure her depression or whatever.

Valentine proceeds to give his own abbreviated take on events post-Putsch. He spent a lot of time trying to track Jocelyn down, supposedly because he loved her, but she did also have one of the MacGuffins. Also, he thought Clary might be Luke’s kid, because he’s a paranoid psycho.

And he also manages to slip in some Mundie-bashing, though it’s hardly any different from what we’ve gotten from every other Shadowhunter so far.

Also, Valentine is now blaming Clary for Jocelyn not coming back to him. Because I guess he doesn’t think “I secretly performed experiments on you while pregnant” is reason enough for her to hate him.

And then we get some of the creepy “Clary looks just like her mom” stuff. I mean, I’m reasonably sure he doesn’t intend it in a rape-y way, but it’s hard to tell with this series.

But no, Valentine just wants her to watch as he does his whole ceremony thing. This leads to some weird projecting from Clary, namely that what Valentine really wants is for her mom to be there instead, and that he’s so obsessed with Jocelyn because he thought he controlled Jocelyn, and got mad when he found out he didn’t.

And I say “projecting” because there’s really not a lot pointing to that as far as I can see.

Anyway, Valentine has gone completely off the deep end. Seems his ritual requires some blood, and he had intended to use his own, but interpreted Clary’s sudden arrival as a divine signal to use Clary instead.

Again, there’s some more very sinister description of a weapon that belonged to an angel:

The Sword had fed itself on enough blood by now; it probably had a taste for it, just like Valentine himself.

But then, just as Valentine is about to make the killing blow, the sword gets knocked out of his hand. Because Valentine spent too much time monologuing, so Jace could show up to save the fucking day.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

And of course we have to be told (via Clary, natch) that Valentine totally didn’t hear Jace coming, because Jace is just so sneaky or something. Totally couldn’t be from Valentine being so absorbed in his own nonsens. Nope.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Jace finds out that Valentine has magically silenced Clary, so of course he starts threatening Valentine. But Valentine raised Jace, so he doesn’t feel all that threatened. And of course, Clary is even more worried, because Valentine is totally going to kill both her and Jace, because Valentine is just such a dangerous enemy.

This tension totally isn’t forced at all.

Also, Clary takes this chance to catalog all of Jace’s injuries, because of course she does.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

Honestly, I’m not that surprised that Clary has been both silenced and bound for this scene. It provides an excuse for her to do what she always does – sit on the sidelines while someone else does all the actual work, only for her to swoop in at the last possible moment to save the day and take most/all of the credit.

You know I’m right.

Valentine thinks that Jace has come to join him. And while I can’t entirely blame him for coming to that conclusion – Jace has sent some pretty mixed signals regarding his loyalties this whole time – but given the fact that he both disarmed and is threatening Valentine, I don’t think “ah, you’ve come to join me!” is a reasonable conclusion.

Jace stares at Valentine for a minute with “cold disdain.” Personally, I think that’s just Jace’s natural Resting Bitch Face.

Anyway, Jace came to stop Valentine, and sent Isabelle off to warn everyone else. Not really sure how warning anyone about Valentine’s plan would help, exactly. So I’m kinda wondering why you wouldn’t want to come with as much help as possible.

But then, I guess that would mean sharing the credit, and we can’t have that.

Speaking of not sharing credit, Jace takes all the credit for beating Jonathan. Because of course he does.

Our “Heroes”: 1

And this isn’t just me making assumptions – Valentine insists that there’s no way Jace could have beaten Jonathan, because he’s just such a great warrior, and at no point does Jace mention getting help from Isabelle.

I honestly don’t see why he’d do that, other than to take all the credit.

Whatever. Jace moves on to asking about his real parents. Of course, he only asks about how his father died, because that’s maybe kind of unclear. Honestly, I don’t see why he’d care, except that it might give him some slight justification for killing Valentine; not that he’d need much justification at this point.

Valentine talks about Jace’s mom’s suicide, and how he saved foetal Jace. But this just gets Jace even more upset, and fuck if I know why. And then we get this:

“Tell me the truth,” Jace said. “No more lies about how we’re the same flesh and blood. Parents lie to their children, but you – you’re not my father. And I want the truth.”

I’m struggling to see the logic here. Parents lie to their kids, and that’s somehow okay, but Jace isn’t Valentine’s kid, so he should get the truth? Because you’re only supposed to lie to people you’re related to?

Also, again, I have to point this out: in every way except biologically, Valentine is Jace’s father. Sorry, CC, but in the “nature vs nurture” debate, I’m generally on the side of nurture. Sure, there are some people who are just born bad, but you haven’t really put in the work to show that Jace has in any way overcome the beliefs he was raised on.

Moving on. Valentine justifies his actions RE: saving Jace as needing “a soldier.” Apparently Jonathan was just “too savage” and “not subtle enough.” So, why did you send him off to be a spy? Because that kinda requires a certain degree of subtlety. Who wasn’t paying enough attention to Jonathan – Valentine, or every other character? Is CC trying to retcon his character?

Either way, Valentine figured Jonathan would never be able to take over after him, so he decided to try again, this time with Jace.

Oh, but there were problems with Jace, too. Seems he was “too gentle” and “too empathetic.” He “felt others’ pain as if it [was his] own.” Again, is CC trying to retcon Jace’s character? Because I’ve read these books, and at no point did I conclude that Jace was “too gentle” or “too empathetic,” or that he “felt others’ pain” too much. If anything, he has the opposite problem.

CC, you can’t just go retconing one of your main character’s personality, especially after three books.

Oh, and despite him just shitting on those exact traits, Valentine insists that he loved Jace for those exact traits. Because everyone must love Jace, no matter what.

This leads to several paragraphs of posturing from both Valentine and Jace, which basically go like this:

Jace: I’m totally going to kill you!
Valentine: No you’re not.
Jace: Yes I am!
Valentine: No, you’re not.
Jace: I totally will!
Valentine: No, you won’t.

And of course there’s stuff in there with Jace trying to be “noble”, talking about how he “doesn’t want_” to kill Valentine, but he _totally will, because Needs of the Many or whatever.

All of which is completely undermined by the fact that he doesn’t do it. I guess Jonathan wasn’t the only one who picked up the bad monologuing habit.

God, it’s moments like these where I wish Jace was even one tenth the angsty anti-hero he pretends to be.

There’s also a bit describing Jace looking like “an angel dispatching divine justice,” because of course there is.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4

And just like with every other example of someone spending far too much time talking instead of acting, this comes to bite Jace in the ass.

How so? Valentine somehow Force-pulls the MacGuffin sword to his hand, and proceeds to stab Jace through the heart.

I should really not be this happy to watch one of the ostensible heroes of a series die. Yet here we are.

And of course it takes a whole, lengthy paragraph for Jace to fall down dead. Which is then followed by two more paragraphs of Valentine mourning Jace’s death, before getting the hell on with this whole ceremony nonsense. Because everyone must love Jace.

Meanwhile, Clary has done what she does best – sit there, watching other people advance the plot. But now we’re back with her, and her thoughts.

She’s thinking about… stuff. How she wants to lie down next to Jace so they can die together or whatever, and how sad it is that Jace maybe kinda never had a name of his own or something.

Honestly, I really don’t care. We’re so close to the end, and I just want this to be over with.

Clary notices that Valentine’s magic circle has started to glow, not that she really cares. No, instead she thinks about Jace telling her how strong she is, in complete contradiction of what we’ve actually seen.

Oh, and there’s a nice little jab at Simon for not believing that, nevermind that he’s known Clary for a hell of a lot longer than Jace, and can more accurately judge what Clary is and is not capable of handling.

Valentine continues to go ahead with his Evil Plan ™, not that Clary really seems to care.

And then something finally gets Clary to start moving? What is it, you ask? Imagining how disappointed Jace would be if he could see her now.

There’s your “strong” female protagonist for you – only capable of being proactive when faced with disappointing a male character.

Whatever. Clary manages to crawl over to Valentine magic circle, at a painfully slow rate. Not that it matters, because Valentine’s vision is apparently based on the needs of the plot.

Clary manages to get her hands around to pull a not-wand out of her belt. Seems it’s been there the whole time. Why didn’t she do this sooner? Why didn’t Valentine take it away while she was unconscious? And was it actually there this whole time, or did it just conveniently appear there now?

Plot Hole: 1

Clary then uses her not-wand to alter one of the runes in Valentine’s circle – specifically, the one representing Valentine’s name. Don’t ask me how she knows which rune it was, or how she knew to alter it. Clary’s powers have always worked on a purely instinctual level, requiring no actual effort on her part to master them, let alone use them.

Plot Hole: 2

But even that bit of being proactive is enough to exhaust Clary.

Meanwhile, Valentine’s been doing his little ritual. Apparently part of it has involved chucking the other two MacGuffins into the lake. He finishes up, chucks the sword, and shit gets crazy, and the angel Raziel pops out of the lake.

The description of Raziel is… a bit iffy for my tastes. It mostly sticks to the standard Renaissance-style “hot dude with wings” look, but there’s just a touch of the Biblical, pants-shittingly terrifying to throw it off. I’m a bit disappointed, really. Pick one, CC, you can’t do both.

Then Raziel and Valentine have a conversation, and I’m going to script it, because I think it’d be more amusing that way.

Raziel: Dude, why’d you summon me?
Valentine: It’s been a thousand years, and we’re still fighting demons.
Raziel: Yeah, and?
Valentine: Well, the Shadowhunters used to be pretty great…
Raziel: Careful now. Don’t get too big a head.
Valentine: But now they’re working with Downworlders and stuff.
Raziel: So? Don’t be fucking racist, dude. I mean, are you seriously going to try and question the will of God?
Valentine: Well, no. I was just hoping we could work together…
Raziel: Dude, I’m an angel. Helping you with your petty bullshit isn’t in my job description.
Valentine: Well, why’d you leave your contact info here if you didn’t want people asking you for advice?
Raziel: Dude, you didn’t bring me here to ask for my advice. You just want to be king shit.
Valentine: Hey, I ruined my marriage and killed my son for this!
Raziel: Yeah, nobody asked you to kill your kid. That’s on you, man.
Valentine: I can make you do what I want. But I’d prefer you go along willingly.
Raziel: Dude, after what you did to the last angel you summoned, you honestly think I’d work with you by choice? Fuck that noise. Besides, your daughter messed with your circle, so I’m taking orders from her.

Again, the actual text is far more flowery and pretentious, but you get the gist. Also, I want to make note of a few things:

First, Raziel goes super pretentious when naming all the Downworlders, because of course he does.

You Keep Using That Word: 6 (one for each “Children of”)

Second, I’m not quite sure, but I’m fairly certain this might be the first time anyone has mentioned the existence of capital-G God. At the very lest, it’s not someone who can be brushed off as being a crazed fanatic.

Third, in regards to Valentine killing his son, Raziel brings up the story of Abraham from the Bible, which is… not the best story to bring up, in my opinion. Kind of a prime example of “Old Testament God was kind of a dick.”

But it was nice to see someone finally call out Valentine for his racist bullshit. And given that it’s basically the highest possible authority in this series, that’s very encouraging.

I also have mixed feelings about Clary’s solution. On the one hand, I love it when heroes win by being clever, rather than simply overpowering the villain. But on the other hand, I feel that said cleverness needs to be set up to some extent. And that doesn’t happen here.

Let me give an example, the 1988 fantasy film “Willow,”:https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096446/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0 (be warned, spoilers ahead):

WARNING! WARNING! SPOILERS!

In the movie goal of the protagonist (the eponymous Willow) is to protect a baby girl who is prophesied to bring the downfall of the film’s villain, Queen Bavmorda. Through a series of events, Bavmorda manages to get said baby, and the film’s climax Willow and his allies confront Bavmorda, and eventually just Willow.

Now, in addition to being a queen, Bavmorda is also a powerful sorceress. Willow, on the other hand, isn’t. He’s more of the “Inept Mage”:https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IneptMage; at this point in the movie, he’s managed to bungle almost every spell he’s cast, only getting it right shortly before the climax. And yet, despite the vast disparity in their magical ability, Willow manages to save the day.

How?

Well, while Willow isn’t all that skilled with real magic, he’s quite the accomplished stage magician (fun fact: Warwick Davis, the actor who played Willow, actually learned some real stage magic for the part). One of his best tricks – which we see him demonstrate early on in the film – is making a pig seem to disappear. While it doesn’t quite work with the pig, it works just fine with the baby, and the day is saved when Bavmorda freaks out.

SPOILERS CONCLUDED

Now, what’s my point here? This stuff needs to be set up. It’s “Chekhov’s Gun.”:https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ChekhovsGun You can’t pull a solution like this out of your butt because you’re written yourself into a corner. At least not by the time the book gets to the publication stage.

It also comes back to Clary’s powers working largely as a plot device. She never has to put any actual effort into using them, or understanding them. It’s one (annoying) thing to have her be able to basically make up a rune to do whatever she needs, but it’s another to understand how a series of them – like those of Valentine’s magic circle – work, and what each means.

It’s one thing for someone to have, say, a natural gift for math, allowing them to solve complex equations in their head. It’s another to show them an equation and ask them to find a problem in it.

But enough ranting, at least for now. Valentine finally looks over at Clary, and is all confused. And in the sand, Clary has written out the same words Valentine said at the end of the last book.

Except they’re in English, not Hebrew, so I feel the effect is somewhat diminished.

Well, it’s at least kinda badass. Decent action-movie one-liner type thing, at least.

Valentine starts to beg or something, but Raziel spits fire at Valentine, and burns a hole through his chest.

I mean, that’s cool and all, but also a bit anticlimactic.

Now, given that, you’d think that Raziel would just peace out. I mean, Clary got to have him do some task, and he just offed the Big Bad.

But no. Killing Valentine was “the justice of heaven,” so Clary still has her one wish or whatever.

And not to get side-tracked again, but I can’t help but think of a much better example of a character being both clever and utilizing a magical favor – Harry Dresden. (“Likest thou jelly within thine doughnut?”)

Anyway, Raziel undoes all the magic on Clary, so she’s free to do whatever. And he also informs her that, with Valentine dead, all the demons have lost whatever cohesion they had, so the Great Off-screen Battle will be finished pretty soon. So that’s two things Clary might have asked for that have oh so conveniently been resolved.

So of course there’s only one thing Clary wants now.

Can you guess?

If you said “bring Jace back to life,” congratulations, you know exactly what kind of book this is.

There’s a long description of Clary closing her eyes and picturing every detail of Jace’s appearance, because of course she’s memorized that.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 5

And poof, Jace is alive again. He does the “I was dead, and you brought me back” schtick. Clary points out that Raziel (who peaced out somewhere in there, not that I blame him) did that, to which Jace of course points out that it only happened because Clary asked him to.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 6

Jace also points out that Clary could have asked for anything, but of course the only thing Clary really wants is Jace.

I’d like to pause here to point out that Clary could have wished all the Shadowhunters back to life.

Like, all of them.

All the ones who’ve died over the past few days.

Including Max.

I mean, it’s not like Raziel set down any limits or anything.

But nope. Just Jace.

Our “Heroes”: 2

So they get all affectionate, and the chapter wraps up with them pointing out yet again that they’re not siblings. And thus it is totally permissible for them to bone.

And that’s the end of that.

That was honestly a lot more tiring than it probably should have been. Then again, part of that might be due to the chapter being one very long scene, rather than several, so there were no good places for me to stop.

And looking back at my notes, I can certainly tell just how little I really cared by this point. Most of the chapters have probably around 2 pages of notes. This one? Maybe one page. It’s also pretty obvious that I really started skimming, because I just wanted to be done with the damn book.

Not that doing so was all that detrimental to the reading experience. I mean, do we really need a whole page or so of back-and-forth between Jace and Valentine discussing whether or not Jace had the balls to just stab Valentine and get it over with?

But we’re still not done.

Yes, there is an epilogue, and my notes for that are several times longer than my notes for this chapter.

So, until then, be safe, avoid crowds, wash your hands, etc. Shit’s getting crazy in the real world, and we all have to look out for each other.

Counts

Both Hands Ma’am: 6 (Total: 74)
Entirely Pointless: 0 (Total: 17)
Our “Heroes”: 2 (Total: 81)
Plot Hole: 2 (Total: 16)
Rapier Twit: 0 (Total: 9)
You Keep Using That Word: 2 (Total: 154)
Shoddy World Building: 0 (Total: 33)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 ( Total: 5)
A Word From Our Sponsors: 0 (Total: 10)

Comment [2]

INTRO

Ah, the Mortal Instruments series. The fanfic changed just enough to make it legally publishable. Truly, these books are an inspiration to would-be authors everywhere.

‘Inspiration’ in this case meaning, “Hey, if this crap can get published, so can mine.”

Now, being male, straight, and in my mid-20s, I managed to avoid this series for a good long while. My first real exposure to it came from the group sporking hosted over at Das Sporking, which you can find here (if you’re just dying to know what happens and/or don’t feel like waiting on my lazy butt, check it out). I enjoyed it, for the most part, so when the call went out to sign up for the second book, I decided to give it a whirl. (I’m sporking chapter 3, in case you’re wondering).

So, in preparation for that (and because it was available for 99 cents in the Kindle store), I decided to buy the first book, City of Bones. I thought it would be easy. After all, I knew what was going to happen. I knew it would be stupid. How bad could it be?

Oh, how naive I was.

How bad?

Well, I’m reminded of a quote from Ben “Yahtzee” Croshaw’s Zero Punctuation web-series. I can’t remember the exact quote or the episode, but the comparison was something like “eating a turd sandwich only to occasionally come across a bit of Branston Pickle.”

That was what reading City of Bones was like – lots of crap, with the occasional bit of actual good writing, which, rather than making the book as a whole more tolerable, actually makes the bad parts seem even worse, and leading me to wonder at what could cause such a huge disparity in the quality of book as a whole.

And so, after reading only one chapter, I decided to spork the book. Am I a bit of a masochist? Probably.

But first, a few quick notes.

One: I have not and do not intend to read Clare’s Draco Trilogy, which this series is purportedly adapted from. Please, do not link me to some out-of-the-way site where they’re still hosted, nor offer to email me a copy of the trilogy you happen to have saved on your hard drive. While your intent is appreciated, I’m not going to read them. Being exposed to the published version is bad enough; having to deal with the undiluted version might kill me. The only other works of Clare’s that I have read are The Very Secret Diaries, which I thought were pretty funny, and I was actually a bit saddened to find out that Ms. Clare had effectively disowned them.

Two: Ms. Clare herself. I will try to avoid discussing her as anything other than a writer as much as possible. I’m aware that certain portions of the Draco Trilogy were plagiarized, but unless I find passages in this book that are clearly taken from another work, I’m not going to ignore that. I’ve read no interviews of Clare, and thus have no idea of what she’s like. Being a good author and being a nice person are neither mutually exclusive nor inclusive.

Three: This is my first big sporking. As such, it’ll probably be a bit rough, especially in the beginning. I’ll try to bring the funny, and we’ll see how it goes. Critique is welcome, as is constructive criticism. I’m also not going to set a schedule for myself, because I’ll inevitably slip up. Let’s just say I’ll post when I have something, and leave it at that.

Four: To avoid the almost certain confusion, I will henceforth refer to our not-so-illustrious author Cassandra Clare as CC. I will be referring to our principle character, Clary Fray, as Clary.

So strap on you waders and nose-plugs, folks, ‘cause the shit’s gonna get deep.

Comment [11]

DEDICATION

First off, CC apparently decided to dedicate this book to her grandfather. What a nice sentiment. However, given the results, I have to wonder how he feels about it.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

The acknowledgements begin with CC’s writing group, the “Massachusetts All-Stars”. I really have to wonder if they actually call themselves that. The members (at least, those listed) are all published authors, some of which have won awards. Methinks we’ve found how she got a book deal.

This next bit has to be quoted:

Also, Tom Hold and Peg Kerr for encouraging me before there ever was a book, and Justine Larbalestier and Eve Sinaiko for giving me their thoughts on it once it was. (Loc. 56-57)

Well, at least now we know who to blame for this thing.

She then thanks her parents. Personally, I would have put them first, but that’s me.

There’s someone named Eric for “vampire motorbikes that run on demon energies,” (we’ll get to that), and an Elka for “looking better in black than the widows of her enemies.” (and that as well. But trust me, it’s stupid) (Loc. 58-59).

There’s a Theo and Val mentioned, who “[created] beautiful images to go with [CC’s] prose.” (Loc. 59). Again, I’m not sure what that has to do with anything, as there are no illustrations in the book, though I have the Kindle version (I’d rather be caught dead than be seen carrying this book), so maybe the print version has pictures, but I doubt it. Maybe she’s referring to the covers?

CC then thanks her agent and editor, so props there. Not sure how much she actually listened to either, but whatever. I’m sure they both worked hard on this. However, no matter how much you polish it, a turd is still a turd.

Lastly, CC thanks someone named Holly (who I presume is Holly Black, author of the Modern Faerie Tales series and co-author of the Spiderwick Chronicles), and someone named Josh for “making it all worthwhile.” (Location 60). I guess he’s her boyfriend, but I don’t know.

I’ve seen worse acknowledgements. Again, I would have put my parents first, but that’s personal preference.

OPENING QUOTE

Anyway, on to the opening quote, from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar:

I have not slept
Between the acting of a dreadful thing
And the first motion, all the interim is
Like a phantasm, or a hideous dream:
The Genius and the mortal instruments
Are then in council; and the state of man,
Like to a little kingdom, suffers then
The nature of an insurrection.

Now, I’ve never read or seen Julius Caesar, but that doesn’t appear to be important, as this quote seems to have jack-all to do with this series. The sole relevance of this seems to be that it’s the source of the term “mortal instruments”. And, while I can understand liking a certain phrase, and then using it as the name of a book series, I wouldn’t reveal the original source unless it has something to do with the novel or if asked directly regarding the source of said title. I certainly wouldn’t include it in the first book of said series.

And that’s all for now. Not that funny, but now we know a little more about CC and how she most likely got her book deal. Yay learning?

Comment [10]

Welcome back to the sporking of City of Bones, where the sporking proper begins.

We’re beginning part one, titled Dark Descent. We’ll see just how ‘dark’ it gets. (Answer: not very)

It also comes with another pretentious quote, this time from john Milton’s Paradise Lost:

I sung of Chaos and Eternal Night,
Taught by the heav’nly Muse to venture down
The dark descent, and up to reascend…

That’s book 3, lines 17-19. This portion is Milton aping classical poets by evoking a muse, or in this case, the Holy Spirit. These lines have nothing to do with the plot of Paradise Lost, and just like the quote from Julius Caesar, have little to do with the plot of this book. Maybe CC is trying to ape Milton, but more likely she just liked that last line. I’m sensing a theme here…

Moving on, chapter one is titled ‘Pandemonium’. Fun fact: Pandemonium is the name Milton gave to the capital city of Hell in Paradise Lost, and it roughly translates to “All Demons Place” in Greek. Maybe that’s why CC included that quote…

But again, I digress. You see how much I actually want to read this thing.

Our story begins with a bouncer at an all-age club called the Pandemonium Club telling a kid he can’t bring a wooden beam into the club, and is holding up the line in the process. Why they didn’t drag the kid off to the side to let the other potential customers in, I don’t know. And while this is in New York, it’s also mentioned that it’s Sunday night, so why there are this many people trying to get into any club is a bit of a mystery, at least to me. Also, the bouncers are described as ‘fierce’, but we’ll see just how wrong that is very soon.

The kid explains that it’s part of his costume, though since it’s later revealed that it’s August and there’s no description of anyone else wearing a costume, I have to wonder why he’d use that as an excuse in the first place.

And we have our first count: Plot Hole. They might not be super blatant, but occasionally CC seems to forget or ignore certain things, mostly for the sake of forcing the story go the way she wants it to, rather than allowing it to move in a logical way. Things that her editor should have caught. (Note: all counts will be tallied at the end of each chapter and reset for the next. Feel free to make a drinking game out of it if you like and happen to have a spare liver handy.)

Plot Hole: 1

Clary Fray, our protagonist, decides to get a better look at this kid, since he’s holding up the line, and we get our first description. You’ll see why I quickly developed issues with this book.

He had electric blue dyed hair that stuck up around his head like the tendrils of a startled octopus…

I have three problems with this sentence:

This also brings us to our next count, Weird Word Choice. CC occasionally makes some rather strange terminology or says something in an odd way, and I’ll be keeping track of them.

Weird Word Choice: 2

Anyway, Blue-octopus-head boy further explains that he’s dressed as a ‘vampire hunter’, though I’ve never heard of any vampire hunters with blue hair, even in Anime, nor one who uses what sounds like a two-by-four as a stake. But Blue-hair demonstrates that it’s really made of foam rubber by pushing down on it, making it “[bend] as easily as a blade of grass bending sideways.”

Weird Word Choice: 3

It bent like a very bendy thing. CC, I know you’re a fan of shows like Buffy and Blackadder, but you are not Joss Whedon, nor are you Rowan Atkinson. Stop trying.

Clary gets a look at the kid’s eyes, which are a green likened to antifreeze or spring grass, though thankfully not in a simile, which she attributes to colored contacts. Our author is really going out of her way to make sure we know the kid looks weird.

But apparently that’s all it takes to convince our ‘fierce’ bouncers, who in real life would have probably taken the thing anyway, and Mr. Anime-hair slips by the bouncer.

Clary admires the boy for another minute, and says her mother would describe him as “insouciant.”. Now, I actually had to stop and look that word up – Dictionary.com defines it as “free from concern, worry, or anxiety; carefree; nonchalant.” And, while CC doesn’t fall into the same trap as Meyer (i.e. using a similar, but still wrong, word), I have to wonder why she’d use that particular one, since any of those other choices would work better, since the reader wouldn’t have to stop to look the word up. That definitely gets a count.

Weird Word Choice: 4

Simon, Clary’s friend, comments that she thinks Blue-hair is cute, and she elbows him in the ribs. Speaking as someone who’s had female friends, I wouldn’t have said anything. But again, that’s me.

We now switch to Blue-hair, inside the club, which is full of dry-ice smoke and colored lights. It’s revealed that the stake-by-four isn’t really a prop, but a blade, presumably a sword (dun-dun-dun). He disguised it using magic, though why he didn’t just make it invisible or disguise it as something slightly less innocuous I don’t know, and it’s never explained.

Plot Hole: 2

Also, remember that he has a weapon. It’ll be important later.

The narration goes on about how Blue-hair could have skipped all that mess with the bouncer, but fooling the “mundies” (i.e. normal people, and you’ll quickly grow to hate this term) is part of the fun. Points to CC for at least making this guy seem like a bit of a jerk, if nothing else. Though this is the only time she’ll intentionally make a character like this.

He looks around the dance floor, and we get our first bit of good CC writing, as she does a decent job describing a bunch of teenagers at a club, all dancing and sweaty. He then spots a girl coming towards him, with dark hair and wearing a “floor-length white gown, the kind women used to wear when this world was younger,” with sleeves that “belled out around her slim arms.” I’ll admit it’s a bit old fashioned, but I could see a girl actually wearing that today. Ladies, feel free to tell me that I’m wrong. I promise I won’t get offended.

Anyway, the girl is also wearing big red pendant “the size of a baby’s fist”, which Blue-hair realizes is “real – real and precious.”, and I have to wonder, a real what? A real pendant? Well, it would be pretty hard to wear jewelry that doesn’t exist. A real ruby? Yeah, a ruby that big would be pretty valuable, though it just raises questions as to why she’s wearing something like that while clubbing in New York. Is it some kind of magical stone, perhaps?

And no, these questions will not be answered.

Plot Hole: 3

CC’s really showing her fanfic roots here with all the things that get swept under the rug because she either didn’t think about them or changed her mind later but didn’t go back to fix the earlier bits.

The girl leads Blue-hair over to a more secluded spot and lifts up her skirt to reveal the thigh-high boots she’s wearing. Considering the length of that skirt, and how high she’d have to lift it, that’s a lot of skirt. Methinks CC forgot her own description. Again, fanfic roots.

Plot Hole: 4

Blue-hair, responding like any heterosexual man, is immediately drawn in, though he seems intent on killing her, as the girl leads him off to the storage room.

We now flash back to Clary, who’s dancing with Simon “between a group of teenage boys in metallic corsets, and a young Asian couple who were making out passionately…” I tell you this for two reasons:

Simon tries to start up a conversation with Clary, but she ignores him.

Also, Clary apparently has the perception of Sherlock Holmes, because she notices a boy selling “herbal ecstasy” (how do you know it’s herbal in the first place?) even though she “wasn’t paying much attention to their immediate surroundings” because she’s busy looking for Blue-hair.

Simon, undaunted, continues to try to talk to this girl who is allegedly his friend, and we finally get a description of him. He’s got brown hair and glasses, and is wearing a t-shirt and jeans. Pretty normal, all things considered, though CC describes him as looking “as if he were on his way to chess club.” What is it with bad YA authors using “chess club” in a negative sense? I get the implication, but it’s not the 1950s – nerds come in different flavors now. (Full disclosure: I was in chess club in middle school, so I might be taking that bit a little personally.)

Clary finally spots Blue-hair, across the crowded, smoke-filled dance floor no less, and describes him “[looking] a little lost, as if he’ hadn’t found whom he was looking for.” First, that isn’t the impression I got from his narration. Second, even if ‘whom’ is technically correct, it still sounds weird, at least to me.

Plot Hole: 5
Weird Word Choice: 5

Clary considers going over and talking to him, and has a nice little fantasy. Again, good on CC for having a teenage female protagonist who isn’t effectively celibate before she meets ‘the one’.

But then Clary sees Blue-hair go off with the girl in the white dress, and gets discouraged. There’s another mention of the giant red pendant, and I’m wondering if it was intended to be relevant to the plot at one point.

Simon again tries to talk to Clary, and again gets no response. Clary keeps watching Blue-hair and White-dress, despite “the darkness, smoke, and artificial fog…”, even spotting two guys following Blue-hair.

Plot Hole: 6

That clinches it – Clary Fray has supervision. That’s the only explanation.

And at this point, Simon says possibly the funniest line in the whole book.

“Meanwhile,” Simon added, “I wanted to tell you that lately I’ve been cross-dressing. Also, I’m sleeping with your mom. I thought you should know.”

Bask in its glory, people. It’s not quite Marcus Cole’s space dragon line, but take what you can get. Simon should get out of this novel while he still can.

Clary watches as White-dress leads Blue-hair into the storage room, and this is where that Asian couple comes in. See, the narration says that couples “sneaking off to the dark corners of the club to make out.” Now, remember the Asian couple dry-humping not two feet away? Yeah, I have to wonder how naive Clary is to think White-dress and Blue-hair are just going to ‘make out’ in the closet. She’s supposed to be fifteen, not stupid.

Then Clary demonstrates her supervision again as, from across the dark, smoke/fog-filled and crowded dance floor, she not only sees the two guys following Blue-hair, but also sees one of them pull out a knife. She tells Simon, and even though he doesn’t see anything, he does the sensible thing and goes to get security. Clary, being a YA fantasy heroine, decides to follow the guys with the knife.

The POV then shifts back to Blue-hair, and White-dress finally gets a name – Isabelle. Because that name has such wonderful associations these days. They start chatting/flirting, Blue-hair notices she has a bracelet on one wrist. He get’s a bit closer and realizes that it’s no bracelet – it’s a tattoo.

Because tattoos are just so easy to mistake for bracelets, what with one being a piece of jewelry usually made of metal, and the other two-dimensional and made of ink.

Isabelle hits him, and then suddenly pulls a whip out of nowhere, which she uses to trip Blue-hair. Kinky. Again, remember that she can do this. It will be important later (I seem to be saying that a lot).

While Isabelle laughs at him, Blue-hair thinks that he should have known there was something up with Isabelle, because “No human girl would wear a dress like the one Isabelle wore.” Again, ladies, tell me if this is wrong. It really wouldn’t surprise me.

Anyway, Isabelle ties him up, with a smile described as like “poisonous water,” whatever that looks like.

Weird Word Choice: 6

Isabelle calls in her buddies, and shoves Blue-hair against a concrete pillar (how big is this storage room, anyway?). One of the boys ties Blue-hair’s wrists together behind the pillar with some piano wire. Honestly, they sound like they’re about to start a really nasty interrogation. And they do. The one who tied Blue-hair up, described only as being “just as pretty” as Isabelle (even though we barely have a description of her). He starts asking Blue-hair questions, namely if there are any more of whatever he is.

Pretty-boy shows Blue-hair more of the weird tattoos, and Blue-hair identifies them as ‘Shadowhunters’, though what that means isn’t explained, while the other guy “[grins] all over his face.”

Weird Word Choice: 7

As opposed to what? Grinning on his elbows?

Switch back to Clary. She’s managed to get into the storage room, only to find it empty. She heads further in (again, how big is this place?), gets her foot tangled in some wires, and then notices the four other people in the room as she’s getting up. I’d say she has very selective perception of her surroundings, but there’s some explanation for this later. Some. However, there is no explanation for how the four other people in the room failed to notice the girl who just tripped into the room.

Plot Hole: 7

Anyway here’s how they’re described from Clary’s POV:

There was the girl in her long white dress, her black hair hanging down her back like damp seaweed. The two boys were with her – the tall one with black hair like hers, and the smaller, fair one, whose hair gleamed like brass in the dim light coming through the windows high above.

Weird Word Choice: 8

Hair like damp seaweed? Really?

I’d also like to point out the awkward pronoun. The tall guy’s hair is like which girl’s? Clary or Isabelle’s? (Answer: Isabelle. We later find out that Clary is a red-head.)

Clary, again acting like a YA Fantasy heroine rather than a real person, decides to hide behind another concrete support beam and watches the whole thing (seriously, how big is this room?), rather than either A) screaming/running for security or B) getting involved and possibly saving Blue-hair’s life.

Isabelle and her friends keep interrogating Blue-hair, asking if there are any more of “[his] kind” around. Clary thinks she’s stumbled into a gang war, and Blue-hair plays dumb. The dark-haired boy identifies Blue-hair as a demon, leading blond boy into a big info dump, as well as giving him a name.

“Demons,” drawled the blond boy, tracing the word on the air with his finger. “Religiously defined as hell’s denizens, the servants of Satan, but understood here, for purposes of the Clave, to be any malevolent spirit whose origin is outside our own home dimension—”

“That’s enough, Jace,” said the girl.

“Isabelle’s right,” agreed the taller boy. “Nobody here needs a lesson in semantics – or demonology.”

Rapier Twit: 1

Jace then gives the name of the other guy, Alec, and says that both Alec and Isabelle think he talks too much. I have to agree.

Blue-hair offers to tell them where someone named Valentine is. Jace says that Valentine is dead, and Isabelle tells Jace he should just kill Blue-hair.

Two things:

Clary again demonstrates her supervision, as she notices Jace pull out a knife that’s “oddly translucent, the blade clear as crystal.” And CC apparently doesn’t know the difference between ‘transparent’ and ‘translucent’.

Weird Word Choice: 9

Blue-hair insists that Valentine is alive (I’m wondering if I should include a Dead Herring count), and Jace looses his shit.

Rage flared suddenly in Jace’s icy eyes. “By the Angel, every time we capture one of you bastards, you claim you know where Valentine is. Well, we know where he is too. He’s in hell. And you—” Jace turned the knife in his grasp, the edge sparking like a line of fire. “You can join him there.”

Yeah, Jace is clearly a psychopath. And spoiler he’s supposed to be the hero.

Clary, finally evolving a spine, decides to interfere. Everyone stares at her, with Alec even asking “What’s this?” To which Jace responds with this:

“It’s a girl,” Jace said, recovering his composure. “Surely you’ve seen girls before, Alec. Your sister Isabelle is one.”

Rapier Twit: 2

I think it’s time for my first spitefic.

Alec looked sidelong at Jace for a moment, and then slapped the back of the blond boy’s head. “I know that,” he said. “I was asking in the sense of ‘what’s going on’, you idiot.”

That felt good.

Jace continues to point out the obvious, namely that Clary is a ‘mundie’ girl (there’s that word again), and that she can see them. And now we get yet another count –- No Shit Sherlock. This is for any time a character figures out something that should be blatantly obvious to everyone, up to and including the reader.

No Shit Sherlock: 1

Clary, not being a complete idiot (at least, not yet), points out that, duh, of course she can see them. Jace makes a cryptic remark about her being blind, and tells her to leave. Clary refuses, because, you know, killing people is wrong, and Jace points out that, technically speaking, Blue-hair isn’t a “person”. Isabelle and Alec tell him to shut up, and I have to agree with them. They should really do something about Jace.

Clary says that they’re all crazy (enjoy her being sensible while it lasts), says she’s called the cops, and Blue-hair breaks free and starts attacking Jace.

Now, while I’m all for someone taking down the psycho, I have two issues with this: (Yes, I’m noticing my problems with this tend to come in pairs. I’m like Noah or something.)

Plot Hole: 8

Isabelle and Alec, not being complete idiots (at least, not yet), go to help their friend, Isabelle using her whip to hit Blue-hair’s back.

Hey, remember that other thing? About how Isabelle managed to trip up Blue-hair with that same whip? Why doesn’t she, say, wrap it around his neck and choke him into unconsciousness? She’s clearly demonstrated that she can do stuff like that. I suppose the argument could be made that, since he’s a demon, Blue-hair might not need to breathe, but the attempt could at least be made.

Plot Hole: 9

Anyway, Jace gets free and stabs Blue-hair, and like all first-level bosses, Blue-hair gets of a cryptic message before dying. “So be it. The Forsaken will take you all.”

Ooo, creepy. So they’ll either be attacked by a WoW faction or the bad guys from The Wheel of Time books. CC, I know that name sounds cool, but you could have picked something less generic.

Blue-hair, like all supernatural baddies in Urban Fantasies with a Masquerade in place, doesn’t leave a corpse, because dealing with the body would be problematic.

Alec goes to heal Jace, and Clary tries to sneak out only to be stopped by Isabelle. Isabelle calls Clary a “stupid mundie,” demonstrating nicely that, in this world, it’s not just the bad guys who are racist pricks, and blames Clary for Jace almost getting killed. Personally, I’d blame Alec, since he’s the one who decided to use piano wire instead of, say, chains to bind up Blue-hair, but I’m rational like that.

Clary again points out that Jace is crazy, and continues to claim that the cops are coming, and Jace, in a rare moment of rationality, points out that, what with there being no body, the cops will likely just write the whole thing off. And while this makes sense, it ignores the fact that there’re probably security cameras all around the club, so there’s likely to be some evidence of Blue-hair entering the storage room, not to mention the club. But this too will be seen as irrelevant in a minute.

Jace explains that, when they die, demons return to their home dimensions. Alec tells him to shut up (seriously, the guy just loves to exposit at any given opportunity), to which Mr. Exposition points out that, since Clary can see them, she already knows too much. Isabelle asks what they should do with her, and Jace’s brain has apparently gone back into hibernation mode, because he says they should let her go.

Alec and Isabelle are understandably not happy with this idea. Alec suggests they bring Clary back with them because someone named Hodge might be interested in her, but Isabelle shoots this idea down because, again, Clary is a “mundie.”

Jace’s brain briefly fires up again, because he’s the only one who thinks there might be something odd about Clary.

No Shit Sherlock: 2

Jace spouts off some cryptic remarks, including some Important Words. You can tell they’re important because they’re Capitalized.

Clary insists she doesn’t know anything, but even her brain has to acknowledge that clearly something is up here, and Simon bursts in with two of the bouncers.

Yay! Simon’s back! Please, bring an end to this horrible, horrible scene!

But of course, neither Simon nor the bouncers can see Jace, Alec, and Isabelle. Thus making that whole bit about the cops not caring about a murder without a body completely pointless, since they wouldn’t get caught anyway. You know what that means!

Plot Hole: 10

Now that I think about it, why did they even bother with Clary, since she’s the only one who apparently saw them? It’d just be her word and an almost complete lack of evidence. Once again, fandom roots.

Jace gives Clary a “half-apologetic, half-mocking shrug.”

Weird Word Choice: 10

How do you do that? And considering what we’ve seen of Jace’s character thus far, and what we’ll see of it later, I think it’s all mocking.

Clary, realizing how crazy her story sounds, pretends she didn’t see anything and apologizes for causing any trouble. The bouncers don’t seem too happy, but hey, what do you expect? And Isabelle, just to emphasize that she’s kind of a bitch, laughs at them.

Flash forward to around midnight, with Clary and Simon trying to get a cab and having no luck. Simon brings up the whole ‘Clary saw some guys with a knife’ thing. Clary claims she might have imagined the whole thing, but Simon, being her friend, doesn’t believe that. He comments that, what with her causing a security scare, they’ll probably be banned from Pandemonium, but Clary counters that Simon doesn’t even like the place. I don’t blame him.

They finally get a cab, and Simon tells the driver to take them to Brooklyn. Now, given that it’s midnight on a Sunday, and that Brooklyn takes up about 71 square miles of Long Island, I’d think the driver would want an actual address, rather than a vague mention of their destination

Clary gets in the cab, and the chapter ends.

I’ll see you all next time, for Chapter 2: Secrets and Lies.

Counts

Weird Word Choice: 10
Rapier Twit: 2
No Shit Sherlock: 2
Plot Hole: 10

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Here we are again for yet another heaping helping of the sludge that is City of Bones. Make sure you eat it all, or you don’t get dessert.

Our chapter begins with, well, this:

The dark prince sat astride his black steed, his sable cape flowing behind him. A golden circlet bound his blond locks, his handsome face was cold with the rage of battle, and…

“And his arm looked like an eggplant,” Clary muttered to herself in exasperation.

I apologize for inflicting that on you all, but that’s something you have to see with your own eyes. I know that Clary supposed to be an artist, but I didn’t know she thought in ultraviolet hues.

As you can probably guess, Clary is trying to draw a picture of our sociopathic hero (though I’m sure CC and the fans would dispute that), Jace. Why? No idea. Also, she’s apparently been at it a while, because there’s a whole bunch of crumpled pages from her sketch pad all over her floor. Because Clary is such an obsessive perfectionist, she’s torn out every page when she’s messed up, rather than flipping it over first. She then regrets that she doesn’t have the artistic talent of her mother, Jocelyn, which she describes as “beautiful” and “effortless.”

Here’s a hint, kiddo – keep working at it. Most artistic stuff (visual or literary) don’t come out perfectly the first time. To quote Mur Lafferty’s Rules for Writing (though they could probably be applied to a lot of artistic stuff) “You are allowed to suck.” No one learned anything by getting it right the first time.

Anyway, the phone starts ringing, and Clary pulls out her headphones (and credit where it’s due, CC mentions she’s listening to Stepping Razor, though which one I don’t know) to answer it. It’s Simon, though at first he claims to be one of the “knife-carrying hooligans” from Pandemonium, which does not amuse Clary. Simon’s response?

“Sure it is. You just don’t see the humor.”

Sorry Simon, but I’m going to have to agree with Clary – that’s not funny. You know she was freaked out about that, and you’re making fun of her for it.

Unfortunately, Clary immediately loses any sympathy from me when she starts complaining about how her mother reacted when she got home so late. Simon takes Clary’s side, mentioning that there was traffic (but ignoring the fact that he gave crappy directions), to which Clary says the following:

Yeah, well, she doesn’t see it that way. I disappointed her, I let her down, I made her worry, blah blah blah. I am the bane of her existence,” Clary said, mimicking her mother’s precise phrasing with only a slight twinge of guilt.

Yeah, real nice there, kiddo. You’re in New York City, it was after midnight, on a Sunday no less, and you didn’t even try calling her. I think she has a right to be upset with you.

Simon mentions that one of his band-mates (is it just me or is Simon getting cooler by the minute?) is doing a poetry reading at a local coffee place, and asks Clary to come along. Her initial response is yes, but she immediately changes her mind. Simon, like any male, is confused by this, and Clary rightfully explains that she doesn’t want to piss off her mom. Enjoy this moment of rational behavior from our protagonist, folks, because soon it’ll all be gone.

Simon tells Clary that he’ll come over and ask her mom if she can come along, because Jocelyn likes him, and hangs up.

Clary heads out to the living room and we get what’s probably a page long description of the room, from the furniture to the paintings to the photos on the mantle. This promptly launches into a description of the death of Clary’s father, and how Jocelyn has a box of his belongings marked “J.C.” next to her bed. Remember this – it will be important for much, much later.

Someone opens the front door, snapping Clary and the narration back into active mode, which the narration describes as “[rousing] Clary out of her reverie.”

Weird Word Choice: 1

Seriously, what sixteen-year-old uses a word like ‘reverie’ in everyday speech?

Clary flops down on the couch and pretends to be reading one of her mom’s paperbacks, because she doesn’t want her mom to start yelling at her some more. Isn’t she just so loving?

But it’s not her mom at the door, it’s her mom’s friend, Luke, carrying a bunch of folded-up cardboard boxes. Clary says hi and almost calls him ‘Uncle Luke’, but stops herself because, well, see for yourselves:

He’d asked her to stop calling him Uncle Luke about a year ago, claiming that it made him feel old, and anyway reminded him of Uncle Tom’s Cabin. Besides, he’d reminded her gently, he wasn’t really her uncle, just a close friend of her mother’s who’d known her all her life.

Because only people who are related get to use familial terms. Never mind that children calling close friends of their parents ‘aunt’ or ‘uncle’ isn’t that uncommon. And that whole Uncle Tom’s Cabin thing is just completely out of nowhere.

Clary asks what the boxes are for, and Luke explains that Jocelyn wants to pack up some things to make some space. This makes sense, since what with living in an apartment in New York, space would probably be at a premium. Luke checks out what Clary pretended to be reading. He quotes the following:

“The world still teems with those motley beings whom a more sober philosophy has discarded. Fairies and goblins, ghosts and demons, still hover about-”

It’s from The Golden Bough , a book by Sir James George Frazer comparing various bits of religion and mythology found around the world. It was first published in 1890, so you can easily find a copy for free online. That particular excerpt comes from chapter 56: The Public Expulsion of Evils. What Frazer is referring to is the fact that “the savage” (hey, it was the late 19th century) lives in a world where anything that isn’t obviously the work of someone else is perceived as the work of some spiritual entity. Of course, CC probably put that in because it fits so well with the Urban Fantasy setting. Which it does, but she’s still ignoring the context.

Luke asks Clary if she’s reading that for school, and she explains that school doesn’t start for another two weeks. That’s the first and last mention of school we’ll be getting, folks.

Clary tries to tell Luke her experience at the club, namely that she could see the Psycho Trio, but no one else did. She admits it sounds crazy, but Luke reassures her by telling her that, since she’s an artist, she sees the world differently than most people, including the phrase “the beauty and the horror in ordinary things.” Well, that’s all fine and wonderful, Luke, but there’s a difference between seeing the beauty in the mundane and seeing something that isn’t there. The first makes you unique; the second makes you crazy.

Instead of explaining what she meant, Clary remembers what she saw at Pandemonium, specifically Isabelle’s whip, Blue-hair’s death, and Jace’s eyes, and thinks about the phrase “beauty and horror”. Because that’s what the focus should be there – the fact that Jace was “sooo hawt” rather than the fact that he, you know, murdered a guy. Clary, you have all the depth of a parking lot puddle.

Clary’s mom then shows up, and we thankfully get a real description of her instead of something vague, such as “like Clary, only older”. We also finally get some description of Clary, namely that she has red hair, like her mom. And, if I’ve learned anything from watching South Park, it’s that ginger kids have no souls. The fact that CC is also a ginger may or may not have anything to do with this, but it certainly doesn’t help to distance this work from its fanfic origins. The narration tells us that Clary does look a lot like her mom, but that Clary doesn’t see it herself. Though judging by the description, it has more to do with the fact that Clary’s still a teenager than anything else.

Also, I feel that this comparison needs to be shared:

Jocelyn even had a graceful way of walking that made people turn their heads to watch her go by. Clary, by contrast, was always tripping over her feet. The only time people turned to watch her go by was when she hurtled past them as she fell downstairs.

I just like the image of Clary falling down a flight of stairs. Does that make me sick? Well, you’ll soon feel the same way.

Also, much like almost every flaw in a female paranormal YA fantasy/romance, this flaw will never be mentioned again, and will never impact the plot in any way whatsoever.

Plot Hole: 1

We finally come out of descriptive narration as Clary asks her mom what all the boxes are for. Jocelyn doesn’t answer. Clary asks if this has anything to do with her getting home late, Jocelyn says sort of, and that Clary should know better. Our heroine points out that she’s already apologized, and if Jocelyn’s going to ground her, she should just do it already. Jocelyn says she isn’t going to ground Clary, and finally explains what’s going on: they’re going on vacation to Luke’s farmhouse in upstate New York for the remainder of the summer. How does Clary respond? By loosing her shit.

For the rest of the summer?” Clary sat upright with indignation. “I can’t do that, Mom. I have plans – Simon and I were going to have a back-to-school party, and I’ve got a bunch of meetings with my art group, and ten more classes at Tisch–”

Now, admittedly, I can understand a teenager getting upset about sudden things like this, but here’s the thing: how much time is left before school starts again? Two weeks. Clary’s reacting like she’s going to be gone for months.

Plot Hole: 2

And I’m assuming the Tisch she’s referring to I the Tisch School of the Arts, part of New York University. So, points to CC for picking an actual school in New York. However, I’m not certain they would admit a high school student into a class, even a summer one.

Jocelyn tries to placate Clary, but like a typical teenager, she just goes on about how it just isn’t fair. Clary tries to get support from Luke, but he’s with Jocelyn. Clary then tries to find out why the sudden change of plans, but her mother’s a bit cagey, talking about how she needs peace and quiet to work, and money’s getting a bit tight, etc. etc.

Clary doesn’t buy it though, saying that her mother should just sell more of her father’s stocks if they need money, and that Jocelyn can go to the farm if she wants, but Clary won’t, even saying she’ll get a job if she needs to. But Jocelyn is set on Clary coming along, and that something bad could happen if she’s left alone, though again Clary doesn’t believe her.

Now, I’m sure Jocelyn is supposed to look like the bad guy here, what with barging in and deciding that they’re leaving town with no warning. But with the fact that Clary’s mom seems that insistent, even saying she’ll pay Clary back for her art classes (no small thing, if you’ve ever taken a university course), all I’m seeing is that Clary is being a bit of a brat.

The genre of this book doesn’t help either. If this were some generic piece of YA non-genre fiction, I might accept Clary’s reaction. But it’s not – it’s Urban Fantasy, a fact made pretty clear in the previous chapter. There’s nasty things out there, which Clary has had a first-hand glimpse of, but she’s more worried about how this sudden vacation will ruin her plans.

She’s such a wonderful character, isn’t she?

Luke, being sensible, has decided he’s had enough of this shit and leaves. Wait! Please! Take me with you!

Jocelyn manages to grab him before he leaves, and the two adults have a hushed conversation, which Clary eavesdrops on. Because that’s not rude or anything. Jocelyn mentions she’s been trying to contact someone named Bane (though sadly not the Batman villain), and Luke doesn’t like that and says that “Clary isn’t Jonathan,” which confuses the heck out of Clary. Luke rightly points out that Clary is a teenager and that Jocelyn should just talk to her, and then this happens:

The door flew open. Jocelyn gave a little scream.

“Jesus!” Luke exclaimed.

“Actually, it’s just me,” said Simon. “Although I’ve been told the resemblance is startling.”

Yay! Simon’s back! And potential blasphemy aside, that wasn’t the best line you’ve given. Still, yay!

Jocelyn asks if Simon was eavesdropping, but he says he just arrived. Having a fully functioning brain, he notices the tension in the room and asks if he should leave. Luke tells him not to bother and promptly leaves himself. Simon again offers to come back later, but Clary decides it’s time for her to go as well. Jocelyn says they need to talk, but Clary just throws back the whole ‘vacation’ thing and promptly storms out, dragging Simon with her.

And Simon is still nice enough to say goodbye to Jocelyn. Seriously, this guy is great.

There’s a scene break, and we come back about fifteen seconds later, to Clary and Simon heading down the stairs. That’s something I’ve noticed with CC’s writing – the unnecessary scene breaks. Clary and Simon haven’t even left the building yet, but we got a break anyway.

The two finally stop when they reach the bottom of the stairs, and we get some more details about where Clary and her mom live. It’s one of those old multistory houses converted into separate apartments, with Clary and her mom living on the second and third floors (I assume, as there’s only mention of one other person living there, and she lives on the first floor). We also find out what where they live – Park Slope. Well, it’s nice to have an actual neighborhood. Unfortunately, this raises some issues.

Using a real location, especially in a modern setting, means you have to do a good bit of research before hand, since there are real people living there and all. One big problem is the whole rent issue. City of Bones was published in 2007, so it’s probably safe to assume it’s set around the same time. Since there’s no mention of Clary and her mother living anywhere else, we can assume they’ve lived there all Clary’s life, so let’s say since the mid-90s. Not unsurprising, as quite a few people were moving to Park Slope at that time. But here’s where the real problem comes in: the rent. Judging by the Wikipedia article (not a scholarly source, I know) the rent on their apartment could be pretty high, at least compared to their neighbors. Probably not the best place for a single mother, who makes her living as an artist no less, to live.

Anyway, on the way out, Clary and Simon pass by the door of Clary’s downstairs neighbor, Madame Dorothea. She’s a fortune teller, if you couldn’t guess. And Simon, being Simon, has to comment.

“Nice to see she’s doing a booming business,” Simon said. “It’s hard to get steady prophet work these days.”

Aw, Simon, what the heck was that? ‘Prophet work’? I expect that kind of thing from people naming episodes of Star Trek. You’re slipping, man.

Clary also doesn’t find that funny, but probably more because she’s just mad than because it wasn’t all that funny. Simon, nevertheless, is taken aback by her response, saying that she thought she liked it when he’s “witty and ironic.”

Simon, while that just barely qualifies as witty, it was not, in any sense, ironic. You made a pun. That’s all.

Clary is about to respond when some guy comes out of Dorothea’s place. Clary swoons for a second, but doesn’t fall down, thankfully. Simon asks if she’s okay, and Clary says she’s fine, but only remembers seeing Dorothea’s cat.

Spooooky

Clary also says that she hasn’t eaten since the day before, they go off to get something to eat, and I have to stop. At a guess, I’d say it’s probably some time in the late afternoon or early evening (or “prevning” if you watch Big Bang Theory), and Clary hasn’t eaten for the whole day. The heck? It’s not like she was just that busy that she couldn’t eat – she was drawing a picture. Now, I understand getting lost in a book or a game or a project and losing track of time, but eventually you have to stop, if only to go to the bathroom. At which point you’d probably notice the time. So CC’s claiming that Clary was just so busy she forgot to eat? Really?

Another scene break, this time with an actual purpose. Simon and Clary are now at a local Mexican place, with Clary whining some more about how tough her life is. Oh, Clary, you have no idea. You’re maybe in high school and your mom didn’t ground you for staying out after midnight without so much as a phone call. You can bet if I did that when I was that age, I’d have gotten in a lot of trouble.

Still, Simon tries to calm Clary down and convince her that her mom will change her mind, but Clary is skeptical. The conversation then turns to the fact that Clary knows absolutely nothing about her mother’s life before she was born – there are no photos, no visits with grandparents, no stories about how Jocelyn and her husband met, nothing. Which is, admittedly, pretty weird. It gets even weirder when Simon mentions all the little scars Jocelyn has along her back and arms, but Clary doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Their conversation is interrupted when Clary’s phone rings. It’s her mom, and Clary, rather than answering it and maybe talking to her mother, shoves the phone into her bag. Her excuse? She doesn’t want to fight with her mother. Because that’s a good strategy to avoid a confrontation. Oh, and Clary feels guilty about ignoring her mother. We know this because CC tells us so.

Simon offers to let Clary stay at his house, which I’m sure both their mothers would be so happy about. Clary listens to the message Jocelyn left – she’s sorry for the sudden change of plans, and wants to talk. The two kids discuss how Clary feels about this offer, and set off for the aforementioned poetry reading.

Along the way, they talk a bit about Simon’s band, again demonstrating that Simon is a way more interesting character. At the moment, they’re discussing band names:

“We’re choosing between Sea Vegetable Conspiracy and Rock Solid Panda.”

Clary shook her head. “Those are both terrible.”

“Eric suggested Lawn Chair Crisis.”

“Maybe Eric should stick to gaming.”

“But then we’d have to find a new drummer.”

“Oh, is that what Eric does? I though he just mooched money off you and went around telling girls at school that he was in a band in order to impress them.”

See what I mean? From that brief snippet alone, I’m far more interested in what’s going on in Simon’s life than anything Clary’s up to.

Simon corrects Clary, explaining that Eric actually has a girlfriend now, and that they’ve been dating for a few months. Clary is unimpressed.

And now we get to a bit that brings me both joy and despair, and I’ll explain in a minute. Clary sees a couple pushing a child in a stroller, and the little girl has a pixie doll. And for a split second, Clary thinks she sees the doll’s wings move.

First the joy: this is a good bit of writing. This is an Urban Fantasy story, so the fantastic elements have to fit in a modern world. That means they can’t be big and flashy like in other fantasy genres. Having the supernatural elements always being just around the corner or out of the corner of a character’s eye is a great way to do that. The supernatural is right in front of you, you just can’t see it. It also helps to show that Clary is entering into a wider world.

And now the despair: this one bit of good writing makes the rest of it that much worse by comparison. This shows that CC can write good Urban Fantasy, but she just chooses to turn it into crap.

Simon drags Clary back to the present by noting that he is now the only member of the band that doesn’t have a girlfriend, which was the whole point of starting a band in the first place, as any heterosexual male will tell you. Now it’s Simon’s turn to feel sorry for himself. Clary decides to make a suggestion:

“There’s always Sheila ‘The Thong’ Barbarino,” Clary suggested. Clary had sat behind her in math class in ninth grade. Every time Sheila had dropped her pencil – which had been often – Clary had been treated to the sight of Sheila’s underwear riding up above the waistband of her super-low-rise jeans.

Methinks CC is still a bit bitter about high school. And the worst part? This character? Never mentioned again. She’s brought in to be slut-shamed, and then is promptly dropped.

Simon, ignoring Clary’s obvious distaste, explains that Sheila is the girl Eric’s been dating. I say good for him. Drummer Eric apparently also advised Simon to just pick a girl (with the “most rockin’ bod”) and just ask her out. Clary says that Eric is a sexist pig.

Again, I have to stop. Now, I’ll admit that the “rockin’ bod” comment wasn’t exactly PC (not to mention probably out of date – I graduated high school a year before this was published, and I never heard anyone use the phrase “rockin’ bod”, but then again I’m not from New York), but I don’t think that makes him sexist. Shallow? Absolutely – he’s a teenager, what do you expect? I’m impressed that he’s been in a steady relationship for three months. But besides that one thing, Eric’s advice is good. What’s the worst that could happen? Simon gets turned down. Oh well. Move on.

Clary’s mom calls again, and is promptly ignored again. Clary then thinks about how lonely she’ll be after she leaves (IT’S TWO FRIKKIN’ WEEKS!!!), and the chapter promptly ends.

Plot Hole: 3

Little note before we end this – for a chapter called “Secrets and Lies”, there weren’t that many secrets or lies. Sure, they’re more apparent in retrospect, but on a first read through? Not so much. That’s a bad thing to do, CC. What we got instead was great big info dump about Clary’s home life.

Now while it’s nice to establish what the protagonist’s life is like before the action ramps up, there’s a bit of a problem here, at least in my opinion: this chapter and the following are the only ones that deal with Clary’s life before the plot starts moving. Personally, I’d like it more if things went a little more slowly – two or three chapters of Clary going about her life, being a teenager, going to school, maybe even forgetting about what happened at Pandemonium. Maybe she starts to notice some odd things, but brushes them off.

And then, out of no where, everything comes crashing down and Clary is dragged into the hidden supernatural world. (See Neil Gaiman’s novel Neverwhere for a good example of this.) But again, this is just my opinion.

Not a lot of counts this time, because not a lot happened.

Counts

Weird Word Choice: 1 (Total: 10)
Rapier Twit: 0 (Total: 2)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 (Total: 2)
Plot Hole: 3 (Total: 10)

Comment [25]

Hi, folks, and welcome back. Let’s get right to it.

Chapter three begins a little after chapter two ended, making me wonder why it’s a separate chapter in the first place. Or why CC didn’t end chapter two when Clary left the apartment. Oh well.

Clary and Simon are at Java Jones, the coffee place where Simon’s friend is doing his poetry reading. As they enter, said friend is already on stage. He’s also dyed the ends of his hair pink for some reason entirely unfathomable to me. Clary appears to share my feelings, though lacks the tact to keep her opinion to herself:

“This is going to suck so hard,” Clary predicted. She grabbed Simon’s sleeve and tugged him toward the doorway. “If we make a run for it, we can still get away.”

Sadly, Clary isn’t being meta, though it is an appropriate response to finding out she’s in such a crappy book.

Instead, it shows just how big a hypocrite she is. It’s okay for her to drag Simon to a club that he hates, but if he brings her to something he wants to do it’s perfectly acceptable to leave. And let’s not forget – he asked Clary to come. She’s the one who decided to go with him. In fact, I think this deserves another spitefic:

Simon gave Clary a tired look. “I know that. I’ve read a lot more of Eric’s poetry than you. But I’m still here, because Eric is my friend. That’s what friends do for each other, Clary. How many clubs and concerts and art exhibitions have you dragged me to without even asking me?”

“Well… I just…”

“Exactly. Look, I know you only came along to get away from your mom – that’s fine. And I’m not going to make you stay. If you want to leave, leave. Go for a walk or to a movie or something. But I’m staying here, because I told Eric I’d be here. You do whatever you want.” With that, Simon headed off to the counter, leaving Clary standing by the door alone.

Of course, that doesn’t happen. However, Simon does show a little backbone and insists they stay, and offers to pay for the coffee. Clary wants hers “Black – like [her] soul.” Listen, kid, there’s only so much funny to go around in this book, and Simon’s already got the lion’s share. Quit while you’re ahead.

Simon goes off, misquoting A Tale of Two Cities along the way. Again, I haven’t read Dickens (blame public education), but even I can find the context for the “Far, far better thing” line, and make sure to get the line right. I’m hoping Simon is trying (and again failing) to be funny, because that’s a really lame thing to say, especially when you get it wrong.

Anyway, Clary goes off and picks a spot in the back in the hope that Eric won’t see them back there, and he won’t ask them about his poetry. Seriously, she’s just that petty. I’m not sure if CC intended Clary to come across that way, but the events of this chapter will make that pretty clear.

The only other person near their seats is a blonde girl who immediately asks if Simon is Clary’s boyfriend. Clary is honest and says that she and Simon are just friends. Blonde girl asks if Simon has a girlfriend, and Clary “[hesitates] a second too long before replying.” And now she’s really started going downhill.

The blonde asks if Simon is gay, which is a bit personal, but seeing the general direction of her previous questions, it makes sense. But Simon shows up before Clary can answer. He complains a bit about having to use Styrofoam cups instead of mugs, while Clary stares at him, contemplating whether she finds him attractive or not. And, were this a typical teen romance story, or just real life, this would be the part where Clary starts to wonder if there might be something more to their relationship. But it’s not, and she doesn’t.

Simon is understandably put off by Clary staring at him for no apparent reason, and Clary has to convince herself to tell Simon about the blonde girl saying he was cute. And this is the part where I have to call their whole relationship into question. Look, Clary, I get that, until about thirty seconds ago your relationship with Simon was entirely platonic, at least on your end. But you know that he’s looking for a girlfriend – he talked about it at the end of the last chapter. You know what a friend would do in this situation? Tell him about the blonde girl without any hesitation. Not cool, Fray. Not cool.

As if to reinforce the idea that Simon should at least talk to this mystery girl, the narration turns back to her, and she’s reading (or at least pretending to read) a copy of Shonen Jump.) Simon, I don’t care how much you luurrv Clary (which anyone not denser than lead would have picked up on already), you should at least talk to this girl. She’s attractive (I assume), she thinks you’re cute, and she might be into anime/manga – that’s a nerd trifecta. Damn it, get off your butt and go over there!

But of course he doesn’t, because he’s already in luurrv with Clary (stupid YA fantasy romance rules about inter-gender friendships). Eric comes on stage then, saving Clary from having to go any further with this conversation, and begins reading his first poem, which he’s given the brilliant name “Untitled”. And you have to see this to believe it:

“Come, my faux juggernaut, my nefarious loins! Slather every protuberance with arid zeal!”

…Wow. I have no idea where CC got that from, but it is brilliantly hilarious. But it also makes me wonder why so many of the “jokes” in this book suck so much.

And no, that doesn’t get a Weird Word count because, unlike every other time CC writes something like that, this time it’s on purpose.

Meanwhile, Clary and Simon get back to their conversation re: Simon’s love life, which consists of Simon being unable to express his obvious feelings for Clary, and Clary being entirely oblivious to said feelings. Honestly, Simon, Clary’s a lost cause. Just go over and talk to the blonde already. Everyone, or at least everyone who counts, will be much happier if you do.

Here’s the blow-by-blow: Clary suggests some girl she knows (named Jaida Jones, a reference to another Potter fanfic-writer-turned-author, and presumably friend of CC, and who will also never be mentioned again); Simon puts down that idea because it “wouldn’t be fair to her”, which is decent of him; Clary asks why; Simon says it’s because he’s interested in someone else; Clary asks if he’s gay (a weird jump to make considering how long she’s known him); Simon basically says he’s not; Clary pushes him to tell her who he likes, thinking it might be Eric’s girlfriend, because again, she’s completely oblivious. The conversation ends when someone behind her coughs.

It was a derisive sort of cough, the kind of noise someone might make who was trying not to laugh out loud.

I’ll give you three guesses as to who it is, and the first two don’t count.

If you guessed it was Jace, congratulations! You win absolutely nothing.

That’s right, Jace, who has already become the bane of my existence, is back, and just as big an ass as ever. And being the designated love interest, he gets a full paragraph dedicated to describing his appearance, including the fact that he’s wearing metal cuffs. Cuffs, mind, not bracelets or anything else that would be more appropriate.

Weird Word Choice: 1

Worse yet, he’s got a smug look on his face, which I just want to wipe right off it.

Of course, no one else can see him, which just makes the whole situation more annoying. It also introduces a problem.

Invisibility is a bit dangerous, if you really think about it – no one can see you, so you have to be careful not to get hit anything or touch anyone, because people tend to notice when stuff gets bumped by something that isn’t there. This is why some writers have their characters use a Perception Filter instead of actual invisibility.

But which one is Jace using? We don’t get told.

Plot Hole: 1

Hey, this is an important question.

Jace, being an ass, decides to leave right then. And Clary, being an idiot, decides to follow him, leaving Simon in the lurch. Isn’t Clary a good friend? Oh well, maybe the blonde girl will come over and comfort him.

There’s a scene break cutting to Clary heading out and finding Jace fiddling with some gadget. After the narrator briefly describes his hair (?), Jace tells Clary that Eric’s poetry sucks. A sentiment I’m certain most people, including myself, would agree with.

Agreeing with Jace makes me feel dirty.

Moving on, Clary (her brain still functioning properly) calls Jace out on following her. He tries to weasel out of it, but she doesn’t buy it. Clary threatens to tell the police, though only as a threat to get more information out of him. I’d think that would have been her first response. It should also have been a genuine threat rather than a ploy for more info.

Jace points out that, since he’s pretty much invisible, the cops can’t really do anything. That fact really doesn’t help dispel the sociopath vibes he’s giving off.

But during his little tirade, Jace called Clary ‘little girl’, which he did previously in chapter one (I didn’t mention it because it’s kind of pointless). This distracts Clary, and it is super effective – she’s now completely forgotten about the fact that Jace may or may not have been stalking her. Jace continues to distract her by talking about how her name reminds him of clary sage, and how eating the seeds supposedly let you see fairies.

Clary’s reaction, much like the reader’s, is to basically “Wtf?”

How does Jace respond?

“You don’t know much, do you? […] You seem to be a mundane like any other mundane, yet you can see me. It’s a conundrum.”

No Shit Sherlock: 1

Weird Word Choice: 2

I know ‘conundrum’ isn’t that weird, but it feels out of place coming from a teenager.

Also, remember that Jace criticized Clary for not knowing some obscure bit of folklore that CC may or may not have made up.

Clary, of course, ignores the insult, instead latching on to the word ‘mundane’, asking Jace for clarification. Again, she’s a high school student. She should be able to figure it out. Maybe it’s because of the way Jace is saying it – like a racial epithet. You might not see it here, but after a while it becomes pretty obvious.

Jace explains that ‘mundane’ is this world’s version of ‘muggle’, i.e. non-magical people, only he uses the phrase “human world” instead of non-magical world. Clary points out that Jace is human too, and Jace tells her that while he is human (if only technically, in the way that a sea sponge is technically alive), he’s not like Clary. Clary, being oddly perceptive, says that Jace thinks he’s better than normal people, hence why he was laughing at them. This is entirely true, though again I doubt CC or the fans would agree.

Jace tells her that he was laughing at Simon’s obvious infatuation with Clary, especially the fact that she’s completely oblivious to it, once again giving off major sociopath vibes. He also mentions that Simon is “one of the most mundane mundanes” he’s ever seen, just to grind home the fact that Simon is totally completely absolutely unremarkable in every way possible and that Clary (and vicariously the readers) should drop him completely and jump on Jace as soon as possible, because he’s just that amazing.

In reality, it comes across more like this scene.

Moving on from the muggle-bashing, Jace finally gets around to explaining why he was following Clary – Hodge, his ‘tutor’ (the actual word he uses) thought she might be dangerous, and wants to learn more about her.

Weird Word Choice: 3

‘Tutor’? Why not ‘teacher’? It’s more accurate, and doesn’t make me think Hodge is helping Jace with his math homework.

Clary points out the hypocrisy of Jace calling her dangerous, he comes back with this:

“I may be a killer,” Jace said, “but I know what I am. Can you say the same?”

I’m sure that’s supposed to sound foreboding and whatnot, but I’m too busy wondering if this qualifies as a confession.

Jace then asks to see her right hand for reasons he won’t explain. Clary asks if he’ll leave her alone if she does, and Jace says he will. There’s a long description of Clary’s hand, and the experience is compared to her showing him her boobs. Because that’s an image I really needed in my head.

Jace examines her hand, but finds nothing, then asks if Clary’s left handed. She’s not. Then she asks why, and Jace explains that Shadowhunter kids usually get a permanent rune put on their dominant hand to make them better fighters. And I must mention this again – Jace seems completely unaware of the fact that the Shadowhunters are supposed to be a secret organization, what with the amount of stuff he’s willing to blather on about. Why was he the one sent after Clary again? Heck, why is he allowed to walk the streets alone? It’s a good thing he’s invisible or he’d probably start going on about hunting demons and whatnot to the first person who spoke to him.

Just to complete the idiocy, Jace shows Clary his hand, and after a moment she sees it. She asks if it’s a tattoo. Jace, oh master of pointless exposition, explains:

“[It’s] not a tattoo – it’s a Mark. They’re runes burned into our skin.”

“They make you handle weapons better?” Clary found this hard to believe, though perhaps no more hard to believe than the existence of zombies.

Alright, I have a few issues with this:

Weird Word Choice: 4

Yes, I’m counting special in-world terminology. Believe me, “Marks” is one of the more sensible ones.

Anyway, Jace continues the exposition dump by saying that different runes do different things, and most of them aren’t permanent. He then says that he and Clary should be going, since it’s getting dark. Clary is not happy with that and points out that he said he’d leave her alone. Jace’s response?

“I lied,” Jace said without a shred of embarrassment.

Rapier Twit: 1

Because I’m sure CC intended that to be funny. Also, the evidence just keeps piling up.

As it turns out, Hodge sent Jace to get Clary because he wants to talk to her, though the logic here is a bit circular. It goes like this: Hodge wants to see Clary because she knows about the magical world; but the only reason she knows is because Jace just explained it to her. I guess that’s why Hodge sent Jace out without a handler – so there’d be a (stupid) reason to drag Clary along. Or maybe this is in reference to his info dumping in chapter one? Either way, why isn’t Jace being punished for this kind of behavior?

Plot Hole: 2

Clary/the audience also learns that the Shadowhunters are the group that Jace belongs to, and that ‘Shadowhunters’ is what they call themselves (much like the Kindred from World of Darkness). Also, there are other supernatural peoples out there, and they “have less complimentary names” for the Shadowhunters.

Well, they might be less flattering, but they’re probably more accurate if Jace is a typical Shadowhunter.

There are a lot of supernatural creatures out there, including vampires, werewolves, fairies, and apparently zombies, but not mummies, because that would be, in Jace’s words, “ridiculous”.

This whole exchange reminds me of something from the TV series Supernatural – there’re all kinds of crazy things out there, from vampires, werewolves, and ghosts to witches, skin-changers, demons, and even old pagan gods. But the one thing that’s constantly repeated is that Bigfoot is a myth. The difference between the two situations is that, in Supernatural, this is mentioned a ways into the series, where it’s a bit funny considering everything we’ve seen so far. Here it’s just a pointless aside.

Also, since mummies (as in mummified corpses) are the only absolutely certain for-real thing mentioned, I find it a bit weird that it’s “ridiculous” to think there might be something to the idea that they might get up and attack people. Just a thought.

Finally out of info in need of dumping, Jace just straight-up admits he’s willing to kidnap Clary if he has to. And Clary, rather than doing a sensible thing like kicking him in the balls and making a run for it, just stands there basically going “Buwha?” Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen: one’s a sociopathic man-child; the other has all the survival instincts of a sponge. Together, they don’t fight crime.

And then her phone rings.

And Jace allows Clary to answer it, and this is described as “generous.” Now I want him to get kicked in the balls just on general principle.

Clary finally answers her phone (again, what a loving daughter she is). It’s her mom, no surprise, but with a bit of a twist – Jocelyn’s terrified, and repeatedly tells Clary that she shouldn’t come home, and that Clary needs to tell Luke that “he” found her. There’re some weird noises from the other end, and the phone goes dead.

Ominous.

And again, this is actually some decent writing. Too bad it had to be right after huge info-dump, not to mention having to deal with Jace in general. And the fact that, until just now, Clary showed absolutely no concern for her mother. We’ll see how long that lasts.

There’s another scene break, and I’m getting that CC only does these breaks in the cinematically appropriate places, rather than logical ones.

Anyway, Clary is understandably freaked by this, and Jace shows an actual human emotion by being concerned. Clary tries to call home, but gets a busy signal. She then drops the phone, and it must be a pretty crappy one, because that’s all it takes for the screen to crack, which also makes the phone unusable for some reason.

Jace tries to get an explanation, but all Clary cares about is getting his phone, that thing he was messing with when she first came out of the coffee house. But apparently it isn’t a phone:

“It’s not a phone,” Jace said, making no move to get back. “It’s a Sensor. You won’t be able to use it.”

Alright, two things occur to me:

*Also, why wouldn’t Clary be able to use it? Is it just that complicated, or is it like a wand in the Potter-verse? Jace seems just oh-so-willing to explain literally everything up to this point, why not this?

Weird Word Choice: 5

Clary says she needs to call the cops, which is the first (and last) sensible thing she’s done. Jace is both concerned and an ass, because while he says he can help, he also demands to know what’s going on.

Here’s an idea, Clary – go back into the coffee house and use a phone there. There has to be someone willing to help you, even in New York.

Plot Hole: 3

But that would be the sensible thing to do, so of course Clary does the exact opposite: she hits Jace (about damn time) and runs for home, bringing this chapter to a close.

Well, we’re now three chapters and 10% of the way through, at least according to my Kindle (though it certainly feels a lot longer), and the plot engine is just now revving up. On the upside, this means most of the book should focus on moving the plot (the important word here being ‘should’). On the downside, this means that the plot is going to move like molasses on a cold day with plenty of stops along the way for pointless side-plots.

I’ll see you guys next time, when the plot actually begins moving.

Counts

Weird Word Choice: 5 (Total 15)
Rapier Twit: 1 (Total 3)
No Shit Sherlock: 1 (Total 3)
Plot Hole: 3 (Total 13)

Comment [13]

Welcome back to the City of Bones sporking. Today, after much priming, the engine of the plot finally turns over. I’ll give CC this much – she knows that the plot needs to kick in sometime in the first third of the book, unlike some authors I could mention.

Unfortunately, she also decides let the plot engine idle for a while.

So, when we last saw Clary, she’d stolen some gizmo from Jace, thinking it was a cell phone, and started running for home. During the minutes that have passed, Clary has actually looked at the thing and realized that it is, in fact, not a phone. The buttons just have more “runes” on them, and the thing doesn’t have a screen.

Plot Hole: 1

How the heck do you read the thing then? Audio tones?

Also, the word “sensor” is again capitalized.

Weird Word Choice: 1

Two counts in a single sentence. We’re really rolling now.

Clary arrives back home and sees the lights in the apartment are still on and tries to convince herself that nothing’s wrong. Not an unbelievable thing to do, given the situation, but since her mom didn’t sound all that calm, you’d think she’d assume there might be someone else inside.

And it seems that all it takes to make Clary frightened again is the light bulb in the entryway to have burned out. She gets startled by Dorothea, who just can’t be bothered to give a shit about anything, complaining about the noise from upstairs and that Luke should replace the burned out light. Unfortunately, CC decides to drag this scene out by describing how Dorothea’s taken advantage of Luke in the past, which really doesn’t do anything but pad the word count and kill whatever mood CC was going for.

When Clary finally gets to the apartment, she finds all the lights are on, but there’s no sign of her mother anywhere. Also, the entire place has been torn apart (including Jocelyn’s paintings), a fact which Clary doesn’t notice until after she’s put her stuff away. You’d think that’d be the first thing she’d notice.

Clary moves to the kitchen, only to find it smashed up as well. Once again, CC doesn’t do a great job of explaining the layout of the setting – how big is this apartment that you can’t see 80% of it from the door?

Clary has an all-too-brief moment of intelligence where she considers calling the cops, but instead decides she needs to find her mom first. Even though, were she capable of responding, Jocelyn likely would have already. This apartment can’t be that big.

But Clary’s brain refuses to be shut down that easily, and points out that, if someone was going to rob the place, why did they leave everything behind? I’d give this a count, but A) it hadn’t been mentioned yet, and B) it’s actually a good point.

Clary then goes to her mom’s room, finding it untouched. She has a brief moment of concern before this happens:

Silence answered her. No, not silence – a noise sounded through the apartment, raising the short hairs along the nape of her neck. Like something being knocked over – a heavy object striking the floor with a dull thud. The thud was followed by a dragging, slithering noise – and it was coming toward the bedroom.

Weird Word Choice: 4

First: if there is any noise, it is, by definition, not silent. I can understand that Clary didn’t notice the noise, but it’s not silent.

Second: that third sentence is about twice as long as it needs to be.

Third: how, exactly, does a “dragging, slithering noise” sound?

Her spider-senses having been set off, Clary looks behind her and sees some kind of monster, which CC describes as being “like a cross between an alligator and a centipede” with a “barbed tail.”

Well, CC, points for effort, but I’m having trouble picturing this thing. And since this isn’t some Lovecraftian horror from beyond space, the incomprehensible description doesn’t get a pass.

Clary is understandably freaked, backs away, and falls over. Being a Sue, this means that the monster misses her, rather than tearing her face off. She manages to avoid it again, but gets stopped when the thing jumps and lands just over the door, because it “was too fast for her.”

Plot Hole: 3

This gets a double.
*One, because the thing is both fast enough to get in front of Clary to block her escape, but not enough to catch her when she’s laying on the ground.
*Two, because I’m confused as to the size of this thing. At first, I thought it was supposed to be really big. Then it’s jumping around like crazy. Again, CC has no sense of scale.

And then CC has this thing totally kill the mood. Because it speaks.

“Girl,” it hissed. “Flesh. Blood. To eat, oh, to eat.”

Here’s the thing: a lot monsters/killers are scary largely because they don’t talk. Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, Leatherface – these guys don’t have to say a word to be frightening. If they did, they wouldn’t be nearly as scary. For a more modern example, let’s take the internet-meme monster, the Slender Man. That thing can be terrifying, but once it has a voice (as it does in LittleKuriboh’s videos) it goes from being frightening to funny, possibly even annoying.

Clary tries throwing a framed photo at the thing, with predictably no results. Meanwhile, the gator-pede keeps talking about how much it wants to eat her, which I’m sure CC meant to be frightening, but I’m finding annoying. Clary hits the wall, and we’re helpfully informed that she can no longer back away from the monster.

No Shit Sherlock: 1

CC’s lack of spatial awareness has finally come to bite her self-insert.

And then, for no discernible reason, the sensor starts going off. By vibrating. It’s even compared to a cell phone.

The thing jumps Clary, and thankfully she doesn’t dodge. Unfortunately, the thing keeps on talking.

“To eat, to eat,” it moaned. “But it is not allowed, to swallow, to savor.”

Yeah, way to keep the tension up, CC.

Clary struggles a bit, but to no avail, and the monster, which has her pinned, continues to talk. Though this time there’s a point to it.

“Valentine will never know. He said nothing about a girl. Valentine will not be angry.”

Yep. This stupid thing just spilled who it was working for. How am I supposed to take Valentine seriously as a villain when even his mooks monologue?

Having finally decided to just eat Clary, the thing goes for the kill, only to have Clary shove the sensor in the thing’s mouth. This causes the monster to have a seizure, releasing Clary. How anti-climactic.

Clary makes a run for the door, but something hits the back of her head and she blacks out.

Our heroine, everybody.

After the scene break, Clary wakes up to find that she’s now outside the building. It seems Jace followed her home. And that the police have just arrived at the apartment building. At this point, a few questions occur to me:

1)If Jace followed or tracked Clary back to her home, when did he get there?

2)Assuming he got there shortly after Clary (not a poor assumption), why didn’t he try to save her? If CC wants me to think he’s such a Big Damn Hero, why not have him do the classic Big Damn Hero thing and rescue the girl?

3)Why did he take Clary out of the building and hide?

Of these questions, only one will be answered.

Plot Hole: 5

Jace exposits that the gator-pede was the eponymous Ravener, that it’s a type of demon, and that it stung Clary in it’s death throes. Because it was dying, the sting wasn’t up to full strength. How convenient.

I’m tempted to count “Ravener” as a Weird Word Choice, but this time the name makes sense: it’s capitalized because it’s a specific type of demon, and I can see the connection to the word “ravenous”, what with how the thing wouldn’t shut up about how hungry it was.

Instead of asking any of those questions mentioned above (particularly the first two), Clary instead babbles about how the Ravener could talk. Jace points out that Clary heard the demon at Pandemonium talk (and also exposits that that was an Eidolon demon, and they can change their shape). And while that’s all fine and wonderful, here’s the big difference: the later looked like a person, while the former looked like a gator-pede. It’s not odd when a person talks; it is when an animal does. But Jace, not having a normal field of reference, doesn’t think like that.

Clary tries to do the sensible thing and go to the cops, but Jace explains that there’s a good chance the cops are actually demons, here to hide any evidence of their existence. Again, credit where it’s due, that’s actually a good idea.

Clary shows some concern for her mother (don’t expect that to last much longer), and Jace tells her that, what with her being poisoned and all, he has to take her to the Institute to save her life.

Jace helps her up, and Clary briefly gets a look at one of the cops, noticing that the cop has talons. Again, nice job with keeping the supernatural subtle, CC. Too bad she can’t write this well all the time.

Jace asks if they can sneak out through the alley, but Clary says it’s bricked up. So instead, Jace pulls out something and draws a symbol on Clary’s wrist. From the description, it looks like a Venn diagram. Because that just screams “rune”. He explains that the symbol works as a temporary Somebody Else’s Problem field, so she’ll be able to sneak past the cops. And the thing he drew it with? Well, see for yourselves:

It was a long, luminous cylinder, as thick around as an index finger and tapering to a point. “My stele,” [Jace] said.

Weird Word Choice: 5

Yeah. That right there is the worst bit of original terminology CC came up with, for two reasons:

1)“A stele is a real thing.”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stele It’s a memorial/headstone. Not the king of thing you might associate with drawing anything

2)The way it’s described? Yeah, it’s a wand. It looks like a wand, it’s used like a wand, and it’s treated more or less like a wand. Hence, it is a wand, and I shall refer to them as such from now on.

Clary, unfortunately, does not make this obvious deduction, because she’s busy trying not to fall over. Jace catches her, but you have to see this.

He caught her as if he were used to catching fainting girls, as if he did it every day. Maybe he did.

I’m sure CC meant to imply that girls constantly swoon in Jace’s presence. Me? I’m imaging that he tends to chloroform them. It honestly wouldn’t surprise me.

Jace picks Clary up and carries her off all heroic-like. Too bad he didn’t actually do anything heroic. Clary faints poetically, and the chapter ends.

So, my closing thoughts. Well, this chapter wasn’t horrible, per se. Clary’s initial reaction to coming home is believable, and the Ravener itself was frightening, at least at first. Unfortunately, it gets dragged down by Jace suddenly showing up to “save the day”, despite not actually doing any actual saving beyond more or less going “we need to get you to the hospital,” which is what I’d expect from any normal person.

Counts

Weird Word Choice: 5 (Total 20)
Rapier Twit: 0 (Total 3)
No Shit Sherlock: 1 (Total 4)
Plot Hole: 5 (Total 18)

RE: Chapter Five – I’m working on it, but it might take a little while. Considering the sudden rise in stuff being posted to the main site, I doubt anyone will be really bothered.

Comment [10]

Hi, everybody. Sorry it took so long to get this out – NaNoWriMo + new job = no free time. But now I’m more or less free, so I can get back to delving through the pile of sludge that is City of Bones. Fair warning, this one is a bit long.

As a quick refresher, the last chapter had the plot rear its ugly head and ended with Clary passing out. Fortunately for us, CC doesn’t make a habit of doing that.

Chapter five begins, of course, with her waking up. And, like any YA paranormal protagonist, this means she hears people talking about her (namely that she’s been asleep for three days, along with a bit of subtle racism about how easily mundanes die), and she pretends to still be asleep. CC doesn’t say that, of course, instead going on about the numerous Symbolik Dreams™ she’s busy having, featuring such sights as: her mother in a hospital, Luke doing an impersonation of Conan of Cimmeria, Jace with wings, Isabelle nude (for some reason), Simon with crosses burnt into his palms, and angels on fire and falling from the sky. If you’ve read Pryotra’s reviews, you know what makes these Symbolik™ rather than just weird.

Because that’s so much more important than actually moving the plot forward.

But then we get another scene of two characters (Alec and Isabelle) talking about Clary, and her waking up. There’s also a bit from Alec about how they “mutilate” themselves, but given that the only side effect of their use of Marks are tiny white scars, I’m seeing this more as whining.

Yet another scene break and Clary finally wakes up. And she somehow manages to confuse a ceiling painting with Fluffy Cloud Heaven (the jury’s out on whether this is due to her near-death experience or if she would have done this anyway). She sits up and looks around – she’s essentially in a barracks. Isabelle is there, and we get a description of what she’s wearing, including that giant red pendant (seriously, WHY IS IT HERE?). They engage in a bit of “witty banter” regarding Clary almost dying, because that’s always good for a laugh. On the upside, Isabelle does have a reasonable response to finding out about Jace’s info dumping last chapter.

Clary has a nasty stomach cramp, and Isabelle gives her something to drink. Turns out not eating or drinking anything for three days tends to mess with your body (hence why hospitals use IVs for that). Clary takes a sip, and it actually tastes pretty good, describing it as “rich and satisfying with a buttery aftertaste.” She asks what it is.

Isabelle shrugged. “One of Hodge’s tisanes. They always work”

Weird Word Choice: 1

A “tisane,” according to my sources, is either “[an] aromatic or herb-flavored tea” or an alternate spelling of ptisan, which is “a nourishing decoction… purported to have medicinal [qualities].”

So in essence, it’s herbal tea. Now, I’ve never tried herbal tea, though I doubt “buttery aftertaste” would be something I’d associate with herbal tea. But since CC was probably focusing on the “medicinal qualities” part, it’s a potion. Why CC decided not to call it that or any of the numerous synonyms for “potion,” I don’t know. At best, I assume she’s still trying very hard to distance herself from Harry Potter.

Moving on, Isabelle and Clary introduce themselves to each other, and Clary finds out that Hodge was none too pleased when Jace brought her to the Institute. This pleases me, because anyone getting pissed at Jace makes me happy.

Isabelle mentions that Jace claimed Clary killed a demon, and Clary confirms it. And Isabelle is just shocked, shocked I say, because, and I quote, “[Clary’s] a mundie.”

Because you see, only super-special-awesome Shadowhunters can kill demons. Never mind that ‘mundies’ are pretty damn good at killing things, usually on purpose. Get used to this not-so-subtle racism, folks. It’s only going to get worse as we go.

Thankfully, Clary has not yet drunk the Kool-Aid and is a bit smug that Isabelle finds this so amazing. CC then realizes that she hasn’t mentioned Jace in about three pages, so Clare asks where he is. Isabelle doesn’t know, and no one seems to have cottoned on to the fact that Jace should be supervised at all times. Isabelle goes off to tell the mysterious Hodge, and we get the clarification that Hodge tutors all the kids.

Weird Word Choice: 3

Double count because they use the word ‘tutor’ twice. And no, I’m still not over the tutor/teacher confusion.

Isabelle leaves, and was nice enough to loan Clary some of her old clothes. As Clary’s were covered with blood and stuff, Jace decided the best thing to do was to burn them. Because that makes perfect sense.

And I’m sorry to do this, but since I had to suffer through this, so do you. Think of it as mutual schadenfreude.

“Did he?” asked Clary. “Tell me, is he always really rude, or does he save that for mundanes?”
“Oh, he’s rude to everyone,” said Isabelle airily. “It’s what makes him so damn sexy. That, and he’s killed more demons than anyone else his age.”

I’m sorry, Isabelle, but you’re wrong. Being an ass to everyone doesn’t make you sexy, it makes you an ass. Neither does a high kill count, despite what some women may think. And if Isabelle is the standard for all Shadowhunters, this is a severely fucked-up society.

Moving on, Clary is a bit irked to find out that Isabelle is attracted to Jace, but only because she thinks they’re related, not because he’s a budding psychopath. Isabelle explains that Jace just lives with them, because his parents are dead – his mom in child birth, and his father was murdered. Nice try CC, giving a character a tragic history to elicit sympathy, but it won’t work because, as has already been established, Jace is an ass.

Isabelle leaves, but not before telling Clary that she should wash up before she changes because “[Clary] smells.” Again, being unconscious for three days will do that.

Thankfully, we skip ahead to after Clary gets dressed, and we get a whole paragraph describing her new outfit:

Isabelle’s clothes looked ridiculous. Clary had to roll the legs on the jeans up several times before she stopped tripping on them, and the plunging neckline of the red tank top only emphasized her lack of what Eric would have called a “rack.”

Oof. Did you see that? A double whammy of character bashing – Isabelle (who we’ve only talked to for about five minutes) is implied to be a slut, and Eric (who was only on-screen for about five minutes) is a pig. CC needs to learn to use tools other than a sledgehammer when developing her characters.

Clary has a brief moment of sense when she decides that she should call Luke. She puts on her shoes, an action deserving a whole paragraph of description (padding, padding, padding), and goes in search of Isabelle.

The description of the hallway is nice, so CC gets a point for that. Clary hears a noise, described as being “like wind chimes shaken by a storm,” and decides to head towards it. A little later, she realizes its a piano. I don’t think CC has ever heard wind chimes or a piano, because they sound nothing alike.

Turns out it’s Jace playing the piano, which is YA shorthand for being “deep” and “sensitive.” CC slips into purple-prose mode and both she and Clary get lady-boners.

I think I may have inadvertently discovered the entire purpose of this series.

The scene having accomplished it’s intended purpose, Jace notices Clary and stops playing. They talk a bit (which consists largely of Jace being condescending), and Jace insults Clary’s clothes. She points out that he burned her clothes, and he justifies it by saying that it was “purely precautionary.”

A precaution against what exactly? Were we afraid of noxious fumes from the demon gunk? Because Jace, you picked Clary up, meaning you probably got some goop on your clothes too. Did you burn those? I doubt it. I think he burned Clary’s clothes so he could get her to dress like a slut.

Our not-so-dynamic duo head off to find Hodge, and CC goes on about how big the place is as they walk by a lot of empty cookie-cutter bedrooms. Clary’s neurons fire up briefly, and she asks why they’d need all those bedrooms because “[she] thought it was a research institute.”

Plot Hole: 1

To be fair, when most people hear the word “institute,” they’d probably think it has something to do with research. Dictionary.com defines an institute as:

7. a society or organization for carrying on a particular work, as of literary, scientific, or educational character.
8. the building occupied by such a society.

Now, from what little Clary’s seen of these folks (namely torturing and murdering a guy), what kind of ‘research’ could they be performing?

Jace explains that this is the residential wing, and they have to house any Shadowhunters who need it. And they can house up to 200 people in this one building. Clary, brain still active, points out that most of the rooms are empty. The explanation from Jace is that most people don’t stay that long, and the only permanent residents are himself, Isabelle, Alec, their brother Max, their parents, and Hodge.

So this building, which apparently includes a hotel, is home to only seven people.

Does that sound like a huge waste of space to you? Because it does to me. Especially in a city like New York, where space is kind of at a premium. Also, where are they hiding all this stuff? Is the Institute dimensionally transcendent?

Plot Hole: 2

Honestly, I would be happier if the Institute were a smaller operation, with only enough space for maybe a dozen occupants on top of the people already living there.

Jace goes on to explain that the Lightwoods (Alec and Isabelle’s parents) are currently away. See, they’re kind of like diplomats (which will make a lot less sense once we get some of their background), and they’re currently in the Shadowhunter homeland working on some stuff. And for some reason, they decided to bring they’re youngest child along.

Since this whole conversation is just another excuse to have an info-dump, Clary asks about the Shadowhunter country. Quick summation: it’s called Idris, it’s boarders have spells all along them so that any muggle mundane who happens to cross said boarder gets teleported to the other side. And it’s somewhere between Germany and France.

Here’s Clary’s reaction:

“But there isn’t anything between Germany and France. Except Switzerland.”

Plot Hole: 4

Yes, this gets a double. Here’s why:

First, how do you hide an entire country? This isn’t like Wakanda) from the Marvel-verse where they’re hiding their true nature. Nor is it like in the Potter-verse, where they maybe hide the odd village or two from non-wizards. This could have worked if this story was set any time before artificial satellites were a thing, since any maps would have to be based on first-hand observations (I won’t even get into how the landscape on one side would probably look different from that on the other side).

Second, Clary (and presumably CC) seemed to have failed geography. Here’s a handy map of Europe. It even has pretty colors and everything. Notice anything about the Franco-German boarder? I did.

1) There’re about three independent countries between France and Germany – the Netherlands, Belgium, and Luxembourg.
2) While Switzerland does share boarders with both Franc and Germany, it is south of Germany and east of France. Not exactly “between” them, I’d say.

Now it’s no “west coast of Brazil,” but come on. It’s not that hard to find a map.

Oh, and this whole time? Jace is being a smug ass again. Just thought I’m mention that.

Anyway, Jace goes on about how most Shadowhunters (including himself) grow up in Idres, but there are Shadowhunters all around the world, but Idres is always “home.” Clary then compares it to Jerusalem and Mecca. Being neither Jewish nor Muslim, I won’t comment on this, other than saying that I feel that Clary and/or CC should probably be slapped for that comparison.

There’s a bit from Jace about how kids like Alec and Isabelle are the exceptions to the rule, since they’re parents weren’t living in Idres when they were born.

Clary asks if Jace knows any other Shadowhunters his age (apart from Alec and Isabelle), and he says he doesn’t. Clary comments that having so few friends must get pretty lonely, but Jace doesn’t seem to care.

I’m sure this is supposed to make him sound stoic and/or elicit sympathy from me, but considering how he treats his alleged friends, I’m surprised the Lightwoods haven’t tried to ship him off to the Falkland Islands yet.

They enter the library, requiring yet another scene break, and CC uses three well-written paragraphs to describe the room. Once again, this shows that CC can write well on occasion.

We’re brought out of omniscient narrator mode when the oft-mentioned Hodge finally speaks. He comments that, since Clary spent what could have been anywhere between thirty seconds to five minutes staring at everything in the room, she must love books, and that Jace should have told him. Jace points out that he and Clary haven’t really talked much, and the comment is just oozing with innuendo. Meanwhile, Clary is just amazed that Hodge figured out that she likes books.

This really feels like an informed attribute, and for a couple reasons:

First, from what little we know of Clary, she seems more artistic than literary. If either of the Fray ladies loves books, it’s probably Jocelyn – after all, she’s the one with piles of paperbacks laying around the apartment. This isn’t to say Clary can’t have an equal appreciation for books as her mother, but since we didn’t get a description of her room (where we’d be able to infer something about her), we don’t have much to go on regarding her character.

Second, of the three paragraphs describing the room, only the first is spent describing the books on the shelves, while the other two focus on the furniture. And that first paragraph is done very clinically – yes, I have a clear image of what the room looks like, and the implication that Hodge really loves these books. But at no point do Clary’s thoughts come through – there’s no mention of her being tempted to grab one at random and find a comfy chair to curl up in.

Anyway, let’s get to Hodge. He’s a generic old mentor figure. He gets up to greet Clary, and apparently her eyesight’s gone straight to hell, because for a minute she thinks he has a hunch. Said hunch turns out to be a raven, named Hugo. How she A) didn’t notice the rather large bird (I’m assuming Hugo’s a Common Raven, or Corvus corax) on the guy’s shoulder earlier and B) confused it for a hunch, I don’t know.

Hodge’s last name is Starkweather (because that just screams Franco-German, doesn’t it?), and he’s a professor of history (though where he got his Ph.D. I don’t know). Hodge flatters Clary a bit, congratulating her for killing the Ravener. Clary, being a Sue, makes excuses about the flattery so the reader will think she’s humble.

Jace decides to rain on her humility parade by explaining that she shoved his Sensor (god, that’s getting annoying) down the things throat and that “The runes must have choked it.”

Because two-dimensional marks are such a common choking hazard. I can’t count the times I’ve almost died because of a big word.

And just to show how little both Jace and Hodge (as well as the entire Shadowhunter community in all likelihood) care about their stuff being stolen, Jace only now mentions that he needs another Sensor. And Hodge, rather than getting mad that he let his get taken, just tells him to grab another one. I’m pretty sure that if a cop lost any piece of his equipment, even something nonessential, he’d get some flak for it. Oh, wait, Jace is the hero, so he can’t be punished for anything.

Hodge gets right back to praising Clary, asking how she came up with the brilliant idea of using a blunt object as an improvised weapon, when Alec appears. Oh, sorry, apparently he was there the whole time, Clary just didn’t see him because everything else about the room was just sooo distracting. Based on how her perception of her surroundings has dropped so drastically since chapter one, I’m going to assume Clary normally wears glasses/contacts.

Alec gets a whole long paragraph describing him, because Clary is just amazed at how alike he and Isabelle look. Because, you know, what with being siblings and all, that’s just so unexpected (Seriously, there’s even a bit about how Clary is constantly amazed at siblings looking alike. You’d think the novelty of that would have worn off by now.)

Anyway, Alec doesn’t believe that Clary managed to kill a demon all by herself, because, and I quote, “she’s a mundie.” And for double points, “a little kid.”

Clary, again choosing to focus on the “little kid” comment rather than the not-so-implied racism, points out that she’s almost sixteen, and Hodge says that Isabelle is about the same age.

And here’s Alec’s reply:

“Isabelle hails from one of the greatest Shadowhunter dynasties in history,” Alec said dryly. “This girl, on the other hand, hails from New Jersey.”

This is why I didn’t include a racism count – it’d get too high to keep track. Keep in mind, Alec is supposed to be one of the good guys. We’re supposed to like him.

Clary’s response is so awesome I have to quote it in its entirety:

“I’m from Brooklyn!” Clary was outraged. “And so what? I just killed a demon in my own house, and you’re going to be a dickhead about it because I’m not some spoiled-rotten rich brat like you and your sister?”

Sadly, that’s the most spine we’re ever likely to get from her. I also note that the thing that offends her the most is the New Jersey thing. (To be fair, I’d probably feel insulted if someone thought I was from New Jersey too.)

Alec is stunned at this comeback, and Jace makes some smarmy comment. Alec then whines to Jace because he didn’t stop the dirty mundie from calling him names. Jace gives him an “it’s good for you” explanation, and we get an exchange that feels really out of place for teens in the 21st century:

“We may be parabatai,” Alec said tightly. “But your flippancy is wearing on my patience.”
“And your obstinacy is wearing on mine.”

Weird Word Choice: 6

One each for “flippancy” and “obstinacy.” If this were set in the 19th century, I wouldn’t bat and eyelash, but here? Not so much.

Also, one for “parabatai”. This is one of those things that shows CC either didn’t really think about this enough, or she knows her fan base far too well. Typing the word in on Wikipedia (after passing the references to this series) gets us to the Sacred Band of Thebes, which was, “a troop of picked soldiers, consisting of 150 pairs of male lovers which formed the elite force of the Theban army in the 4th century BC.”

Let that sink in for a moment.

So, either CC picked this word because she wanted that “inseparable pair/band of brothers” vibe, or she knew a lot of her fans would be really into yaoi. Considering what we later learn about Alec, I’m betting on the latter.

Moving on, Alec points out that Raveners are kinda stupid (I think we’ve already established that fact), and it might have stung itself by accident. Any credit he gained from this is immediately lost, though, because he goes on about how Clary shouldn’t even be there because, “Mundies aren’t allowed in the Institute.”

Damn it, Alec, either be the smart, rational one, or be the racist asshole. You can’t be both.

Hodge decides to step in, and explains that “the Law” does have loopholes for things like this.

Weird Word Choice: 7

The only person allowed to use capital-L “Law” is Judge Dredd. Because he is the Law.

Alec goes into exposition mode (and thankfully out of douche mode), going on about how Raveners work for warlocks and big-time demons, and it makes no sense for one of them to be interested in Clary or her mother.

Clary tries to defend herself, positing that it might have been there by mistake, but Alec says that demons don’t make mistakes like that, and implies that Clary or her mom might not be as innocent as they appear. Clary is, of course, offended, and Hodge jumps to her rescue, saying that though mundanes can’t summon demons, they sometimes find someone who can.

Clary gets mad at this, saying that her mom doesn’t know anyone like that, and that she doesn’t believe in magic, before remembering that she lives above Madame Dorothea, who she describes as, “a witch.”

Sorry, Clary, we’ve already established this – she’s a fortune teller, not a witch. There’s a difference.

Not that Jace cares, evidently, because he’s already checked up on Madame D determined that she’s not the real deal, or a “hedge-witch,” as he decides to call her.

Weird Word Choice: 8

This is kinda pedantic, I know, but in most fantasies, hedge-witches/wizards tend to be on the low-end of the magical power scale, rather than complete fakes.

This brings them back to square-one, and Hodges decides that they have to notify Shadowhunter government, the Clave.

Weird Word Choice: 9

That is a really bad name for any organization, because while I’d guess CC was going off “conclave,” all I can think is that she misspelled “cleave” and didn’t bother to correct it.

Jace, for some reason, is dead set against this, but Hodge points out that, since Clary’s recovered, their bosses need to know about her – they have some rules about mundanes knowing about their existence. Alec is a little toady, offering to send a message to his dad, when Jace (reeking of desperation) spouts off that Clary isn’t a mundane.

After everyone finishes reeling from this revelation, Jace explains his reasoning. Remember the Venn-diagram “rune” he drew on her hand at the end of the last chapter? Well, as it turns out runes aren’t all that safe for non-Shadowhunters. In fact, they tend to kill them. So Jace, despite having almost no evidence that Clary was anything other than a normal girl, decided to risk her life to save her. Now, some might call that romantic, but I call it stupid – if he’d been wrong (which of course he wouldn’t be, but just for the sake of argument), he could have killed Clary.

Nice job, moron.

Clary, of course, doesn’t believe that she could be related to a Shadowhunter, because… um… reasons.

Once again, CC’s fandom roots are showing. I’m sure this was supposed to be the big “You’re a wizard, Harry” moment, but it just doesn’t work. For one, while the events leading up to that scene in HP were all weird, they weren’t entirely unexplainable by normal means (except for the bit with the snake, of course). Here, our protagonist has already been shown that the supernatural exists, so the revelation that she’s actually a member of the magical species feels like something out of a fanfic – of course she’s not actually a normal girl who happens to get caught up in all this, she’s the heroine, so she has to be super-special-awesome.

There’s some debate as to which of Clary’s parents might have been the Shadowhunter. Jace proposes that her mother might be one, which would explain why she was attacked, but Clary shoots that down because… reasons. Alec suggests it might be her father, and we learn an interesting bit about Shadowhunter society:

“If her father were a Shadowhunter, and her mother a mundane – well, we all know it’s against the Law to marry a mundane.”

It’s things like that that really make me wonder about CC and her editor. Did neither of them realize that that statement just reeks of Unfortunate Implications? “We mustn’t breed with those lowly mundanes – it would sully the purity of our bloodlines.” At least when H. P. Lovecraft wrote about the “dangers” of inter-racial relationships, he had the brains to do it allegorically (at least, in most cases).

This also raises an interesting question – how does the population of Shadowhunters maintain itself, let alone grow, without resorting to inbreeding? We’ll learn in a bit that they can create new Shadowhunters, but they never mention doing it on a regular basis. It also makes me wonder how they operate in areas where Caucasians aren’t either the majority or a large minority, but then this discussion could go on all day.

Getting back to the alleged plot, Clary is still not accepting the fact that she’s at least part Shadowhunter, because she thinks her mom would have told her about it. A line of reasoning even Clary realizes is stupid, given how open her mother’s been about her past.

Clary then decides that Luke would know if either of her parents had any dark secrets, failing to consider the idea that her mother might not have told anybody about her husband’s past, or even known about it herself.

Plot Hole: 5

With this conclusion, Clary remembers that she’s been in a coma for three days and feels really bad about scaring Luke. Nice to know that she can so easily forget something like that when faced with such distractions as “hawt guy” and “obvious revelation”. Clary asks to use the phone, with both Jace and Hodge seeming strangely hesitant to let her use theirs, but they let her make the call anyway.

Luke answers the phone. We learn that Jocelyn has, in fact, disappeared.

No Shit Sherlock: 1

Luke asks where Clary is, and she is of course vague about it. She asks if she can stay with him, but he flat out tells her no because “It’s too dangerous.” Of course, Luke doesn’t say why it’s dangerous, and flat out tells her that he doesn’t want anything to do with Jocelyn’s current situation. Clary whines a bit and Luke points out that she’s really not his problem, and gives a response I wish more characters would give when asked by Sues for help:

“Don’t call me for favors again,” he said. “I’ve got my own problems, I don’t need to be bothered with yours.”

Sure, it’s a bit callous, especially since he’s “Uncle Luke,” but I can still appreciate the novelty of a character who isn’t at the Sue’s beck and call.

Yet another pointless scene break (I really feel like I should turn this into a count), and Clary tries to call Luke again, but because he lives in the 21st century and has caller ID, she gets kicked to his voicemail. Faced with such a daunting challenge, Clary gives up after one attempt, not even bothering with a pleading voicemail.

Jace comes over and makes this brilliant observation:

“I take it he wasn’t happy to hear from you?”

No Shit Sherlock: 2

Also, why the hell are you still in the room? Couldn’t you give the girl a little privacy to make a phone call?

Clary’s just managing to hold back tears and Hodge (do the Shadowhunters just not understand basic courtesy?) tells Jace and Alec to leave so he can talk to Clary.

Alec agrees, but Jace doesn’t think that’s “fair,” and cites the facts that A) he found her (no, you stalked her, and she’s not a puppy), and B) saved her life (only by putting her in more potential danger, moron), and only then asks if Clary wants him to stay, but in a really obnoxious way. Clary, still trying not to have an emotional breakdown, doesn’t say anything. And just when CC has me almost feeling something for Clary, this happens:

“Not everyone wants you all the time, Jace,” [Alec] said.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she heard Jace say.

I’d include a “Want to Punch Jace in the Face” count, but it would pretty much be every time he’s in a scene.

Finally taking the not-at-all-subtle hint, he and Alec leave. Hodge has Clary sit down, and while she doesn’t suddenly realize she’s crying, the fact that she now is feels really sudden and random. Clary tries to explain that she isn’t really the type that cries much, and Hodge gives us this pearl of wisdom:

“Most people don’t cry when they’re upset or frightened, but rather when they’re frustrated.”

Weird Word Choice: 10

Uh, Hodge? I’d consider being ‘frustrated’ the same as being ‘upset’, or at least a related feeling. Also, who cries when they’re frightened?

More importantly, I think most people would cry because they’re sad about something. You’re really not doing all that well as a wise mentor-type figure, dude.

Blah, blah, Clary’s had a rough few days, Hodge does something reasonably intelligent by offering Clary some tea. But she doesn’t want tea, she wants to find her mom and kill whoever took her. How very human of her. And Hodge even has a decent response:

“Unfortunately,” said Hodge, “we’re all out of bitter revenge at the moment, so it’s either tea or nothing.”

Okay, CC? That’s how you do funny in an emotional situation without killing the mood. Maybe it’s because Jace isn’t in the room and therefore doesn’t have to be the center of attention.

Hodge lends Clary his handkerchief and starts asking her if she’s ever seen demons and whatnot before, if her mother mentioned anything like this sort of thing, and whether her mom seemed especially interested in mythology and folklore. Clary claims that her mother actually hated that kind of thing, even harmless stuff like Disney movies. Which seems in direct contradiction to the fact that she owns a copy of The Golden Bough mentioned back in chapter two, which was, again, a study of religion and mythology.

Plot Hole: 6

I’ll just chock this up to CC not actually doing her research and move along.

For some reason, Hodge finds this strange, and says so. Yes, because if Clary’s hypothetical Shadowhunter father were to marry her non-Shadowhunter mother and they were forced to go into hiding they would obviously maintain an interest in things like mythology and the occult. Just like how despite going into witness protection you’re still allowed to visit your old friends and family, not to mention keeping your job and house.

Clary, now out of mope/vengeance-mode and back into stupid-mode, says that her mom was “the most normal person in the world.”

Uh, Clary? You have a really odd definition of ‘normal’. I mean, hating Disney movies automatically qualifies as “not normal,” regardless of who you are. Even the Dursleys weren’t that aggressively mundane.

Hodge, being a Shadowhunter and thus not realizing how weird hating Disney movies is, points out that “normal people” don’t get attacked by demons.

No Shit Sherlock: 3

Clary, still being denser than lead, asks if it could have been a mistake, and Hodge (ever indulgent) points out that the fact that she saw the demon in its real form, thus demonstrating that she’s not a normal girl, kind of puts the kibosh on that theory.

No Shit Sherlock: 4

Hodge then gets into what the Ravener said when it attacked Clary, almost saying that Raveners are incredibly stupid and talk too much. Clary tells him that it name-dropped Valentine, and Hodge (much like Jace in chapter one) loses it.

Seriously, why do all these people react like this? It’s good that CC is showing us rather than telling, but a bit of context here would be nice.

Clary eventually asks for a bit more info, and Hodge tells her that Valentine was a Shadowhunter, and he’s been dead for sixteen years. For some reason, Clary is frightened by the mere mention of his name, despite knowing absolutely nothing of importance about him.

Come on, CC, at least when Rowling did that with Voldemort everyone was frightened. Here, they’re all angry. It’s really hard for me to be afraid of this guy (as you obviously want me to be) when most of your characters aren’t.

Moving on, Clary asks if it could just be a coincidence, but Hodge thinks that it’s more likely someone trying to send a message, and that this would be a good time for it, since the Accords, which Clary calls peace negotiations, are going on.

Weird Word Choice: 11

I’m really getting sick of CC’s Capitalization of Significant Things. Also, since an accord is an agreement, there should be a verb associated with them.

Still another random scene break (That’s it. Next chapter that becomes a count.), and Hodge starts giving a nice big info dump.

The Shadowhunters share their world with a group of semi-demonic peoples collectively called Downworlders (again with the Unfortunate Implications), which include vampires, werewolves, faeries, and warlocks.

He then gets into the legendary origins of the Shadowhunters, for some reason: around a thousand years ago, “humans were being overrun by demon invasions from other worlds,” until a random unnamed warlock summoned up the Angel Raziel (yes, the word angel is capitalized for some stupid reason) and mixed Raziel’s blood with human blood and had some guys drink from it. Said guys became the first Shadowhunters, or “Nephilim” as they’re sometimes called, and they passed their specialness on to their children. The cup used became the eponymous Mortal Cup, and that whenever they needed more Shadowhunters they used the cup to make them.

I’m going to pause here to discuss all the fail in there, because there’s a lot of it.

First, the timeline. If demons and whatnot were so rampant, how is it that none of it got into the history books? We have records dating back long before then, and there’s not a lot of mention of demonic invasions. Also, what exactly was humanity doing to fight these things if they were so common?

Plot Hole: 7

Second, why is the warlock unnamed? You’d think that, as the guy chiefly responsible for creating the organization/species, the Shadowhunters would have written his name down somewhere.

Third, the names. Why are they called Nephilim? The term wouldn’t have been new even at the alleged time – there’s a reference to them in the Book of Genesis. And why is it called the Mortal Cup? Apart from the fact that CC decided to call this series the ‘Mortal Instruments’, I mean. With a name like that, I’d expect it to kill anyone who drank from it. And once again, why is angel capitalized?

Weird Word Choice: 14

Sigh Let’s just go with “CC fails at world building” and leave it at that.

Anyway, turns out that Valentine somehow managed to destroy the Mortal Cup, along with himself, his family, and his house. The land where it once stood is allegedly cursed, and not in an “old Indian burial ground” sense, because the Clave can actually do stuff like that, but only “as punishment for breaking the Law.”

These people have a very harsh justice system.

So, what did Valentine do that was so bad, apart from accidentally destroying a precious cultural artifact? Well, he “took up arms against his fellow Shadowhunters and slew them.”

Yeah, turns out that last time the Downworlders and Shadowhunters got together to re-sign the Accords (I guess they’re like the Geneva Conventions), Valentine and his buddies (called the Circle, because geometry is just so frightening) attacked the meeting and killed a whole lot of the attendees.

But I guess that it doesn’t matter that he attacked what was effectively a peace conference with the intent to kill several of the foreign diplomats, the real problem was that he killed other Shadowhunters. Because they follow the Ape Shall Never Kill Ape rule, but killing Downworlders at a peace conference is just a-okay. Yet more Unfortunate Implications!

So, why did Valentine do this? Well, he’s just more racist than the other Shadowhunters (or more likely just more open about it). He hated Downworlders and felt that, since they’re vaguely demonic they deserve to be killed. Unfortunately, he didn’t count on the other Shadowhunters and Downworlders attending the Magic Geneva Convention to gang up on him, and he got beaten back.

Hodge piles on yet more Unfortunate Implications by saying that it was only after the Circle attacked the other Shadowhunters that the Downworlders realized who the real enemy was. Because they couldn’t possibly have had good reasons not to trust the horribly racist and incredibly violent people who tend to kill them. Right.

Realizing that the plot has now lost so much forward momentum that it will soon start going backwards, Clary drags the conversation back on topic by asking who might mention Valentine and what it has to do with her mother. Hodge, being entirely clueless, says he’ll ask his bosses to look into it.

Realizing that she has no reason to stay, Clary asks if she can go home, and Hodge sensibly points out that that would probably be a bad idea. Clary says she’ll at least need clothes, Hodge says they can just give her money to buy some, but Clary wins in the end by playing the sentimentality card.

Hodge reluctantly agrees to let her visit her apartment, but only if Jace agrees to go with her. Why Jace and not, say, Alec or Isabelle, I’m not sure, beyond CC needing to get another fix of Bad Boy. She goes off following the cat in search of the jackass Jace.

One final scene change (this one somewhat excusable) and Hodge is writing a letter to the Clave. He finishes and “[rolls] the letter, carefully and meticulously, into the shape of a tube,” (because otherwise I would have assumed he rolled it up into a cube) which he then presumably attaches to his bird’s leg. I say ‘presumably’ because Hodge is too busy having a flashback to the Uprising (the name for Valentine’s little attempted coup) for the narration to tell me.

Hodge finishes pretending to be a Maester from A Song of Ice and Fire, and the chapter ends.

So, we’re now five chapters into this book, and the plot has shown its ugly head, only to disappear once more like a whack-a-mole. There was much exposition, some needed, some not, but very little has yet to be accomplished. And for once, the chapter title actually has something to do with it’s contents, if only in a somewhat oblique way.

Next time, we’ll get a bit of action, a bit of mystery, and a lot of Jace being Jace.

Yay.

See you then!

Counts

Weird Word Choice: 14 (Total 34)
Rapier Twit: 0 (Total 3)
No Shit Sherlock: 4 (Total 8)
Plot Hole: 7 (Total 25)

Comment [14]

Sorry once again for the long delay, folks. Again, stuff just kind of came along to eat away at my free time. So, let’s begin this sporking with a brief recapping of what’s happened so far, eh?

Our protagonist (and I use that term only because she’s the central character of the story) is Clary Fray, not to be confused with the book’s author, Cassandra Clare, despite the former probably being a younger version of the latter. Clary lives in New York with her artist mom, her father having allegedly died either when she was young or before she was born (I’ve honestly forgotten). She’s best friends with a generically nerdy (and far more interesting) guy by the name of Simon, and is completely oblivious to the fact that he’s in love with her, because Clary is a teenage girl in a YA novel.

After witnessing a murder at a local club, Clary gets dragged into the “shadow world,” an underground society populated by magical people and creatures.

Yes, this is based largely off a Harry Potter fanfic, why do you ask?

For undisclosed reasons, someone in the shadow world sent an overly-talkative demon to attack Clary and her mother, and said mother has disappeared. Clary somehow managed to both fight off said demon and get her butt kicked, but fortunately (or maybe not) she was saved by one of the murderers from the club, the incredibly-annoying-but-we’re-supposed-to-swoon-over-him-anyway Jace, who took the wounded Clary back to his secret hideout.

At said hideout, we were introduced to Jace’s friends, namely the Lightwood siblings – Isabelle (who is a slut because she’s the only other girl in the narrative), and Alec (who despite being a racist asshole is probably the second most likable character so far). We also met Hodge, the generic mentor/teacher figure, whose only other distinguishing characteristic is the fact that he has a raven nicknamed Hugo.

There was also a lot of info dumping and swooning over Jace.

Well, once more unto the breach and all that.

Chapter six begins with Clary going after Jace and Alec to the weapons room, which is essentially an armory. Why it isn’t just called “the armory” I don’t know.

Weird Word Choice: 1

Well, we’re getting off to great start, aren’t we? And yes, I’m counting it – there are specific words for what’s being described, and either CC or her editor didn’t feel like using them.

From all the equipment kept in this place, I get the distinct impression that the Shadowhunter weapons technology hasn’t advanced much beyond the High Middle Ages:

Brushed metal walls were hung with every manner of sword, dagger, spike, pike, featherstaff, bayonet, whip, mace, hook, and bow. Soft leather bags filled with arrows dangled from hooks, and there were stacks of boots, leg guards, and gauntlets for wrists and arms.

Oh my. Where to begin?

Well, first off, once again CC uses the wrong word – those “soft leather bags” holding the arrows are called “quivers”. This is not that complicated.

Weird Word Choice: 2

Also, there’s that bit about armor. First, gauntlets (to my knowledge) were designed to protect the hands, wrists, and possibly forearms. Not the arm as a whole, as CC implies. What’s being described here sounds more like vambraces.

Weird Word Choice: 3

Second, is that all the armor there? You’d think that, given the potential danger involved, they’d also want some kind of chest protection. You can survive without a limb – it’s those squishy bits in your torso that really need to be protected. There’s a reason that regular police are issued bulletproof vests but not full suits of body armor.

Plot Hole: 1

And again, why all the medieval weaponry? I know that CC is a fan of Buffy: the Vampire Slayer, but there was at least an excuse for why Buffy never went hunting vampires with a shotgun – it wouldn’t do much. Are the monsters the Shadowhunters going up against similar, or do the almighty Shadowhunters just unwilling to use anything made by “mundies”?

(I’m going with the latter)

And we’re still in the first paragraph. Good god…

Alec and Jace are busy working on some new weapons (because they apparently have no lives outside killing things), three lightsabers seraph blades, named Sanvi, Sansavi, and Semangelaf. Originally, I thought that CC had just made these names up because the names don’t follow the usual naming scheme for angels, but according to one source I found, they were the three angels sent after Lilith after she left the Garden of Eden. Learn something new every day.

I still think the names are stupid, though.

Anyway, since the “blades” don’t actually have, you know, blades, Clary assumes they work by magic, which really pisses off Alec. Jace’s response is to start spouting off to no one, a fact which even the narration acknowledges (apologies for the really long quote, but you really have to see this in it’s entirety):

“The funny thing about mundies,” Jace said, to nobody in particular, “is how obsessed with magic they are for a bunch of people who don’t even know what the word means.”
“I know what it means,” Clary snapped.
“No, you don’t, you just think you do. Magic is a dark and elemental force, not just a lot of sparkly wands and crystal balls and talking goldfish.”
…
“Just because you cal an electric eel a rubber duck doesn’t make it a rubber duck, does it? And God help the poor bastard who decides they want to take a bath with a duckie.”
“You’re driveling,” Clary observed.
“I’m not,” said Jace, with great dignity.
“Yes, you are,” said Alec, rather unexpectedly. “Look, we don’t do magic, okay?” he added, not looking at Clary. “That’s all you need to know about it.”

Oi. This bit really pushes my buttons.

The whole argument is really stupid. Jace isn’t doing a very good job of making his point. You say you don’t use magic, but you do use special sticks to draw funky patterns that do amazing things. Clarke’s Third Law is not in effect here – magic is a real, established thing. If those “runes” aren’t magic, then what are they? When the fluff for the Dwarf Runepriest says “runes aren’t magic,” it’s sort of a “wink-wink” justification, because they are the magic class for the Dwarfs.

If there is a real difference between whatever it is Shadowhunters use and magic, what is it? Does it have to do with the source? The results? The methods? Is there a price involved? What?

So, to respond to Jace’s “electric eel/rubber duck” argument: if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, don’t try to tell me it’s a St. Bernard.

Also, this whole thing reeks of CC trying to distance herself from Harry Potter yet again. “No, no, see, my characters don’t use ‘magic’, they use ‘runes’, which are totally different.”

Moving on.

Clary finally tells them that Hodge has given her permission to go back to her apartment, but only if Jace will go with her. And yes, she specifically addresses this to Jace, because, “Alec already didn’t seem to like her.”

Alright, A) Jace hasn’t exactly been an exemplar of gentlemanly behavior thus far, and B) You’re not looking for a date, Clary – you’re looking for a bodyguard.

She manages to convince Jace by pointing out that there might be evidence that one of her parents was a Shadowhunter at the apartment, and Jace thinks it’s a good idea. He also responds by quipping, “Down the rabbit hole.”

Rapier Twit: 1

First: that reference is stupid because it’s so obviously wrong. The rabbit hole is how Alice got to Wonderland in the first place, so if anything, Clary’s already down it. I know this and I haven’t even read the book. I’m pretty certain a twelve-year-old could have told you that. Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if CC only included that because The Matrix referenced Alice in Wonderland so much. It’s not like she seems to have learned to stop stealing things like that.

Second: could we please decide how much interaction there is between the mundane and shadow worlds? The Shadowhunters are still mostly using weapons seven centuries old, but are reading books from the mid-19th century? This stinks of glaring inconsistency.

Plot Hole: 2

Still, Jace is pretty enthusiastic about going, and suggests they leave right away. Alec, possibly knowing just how dangerous it is to allow Jace to wander around New York un-escorted, offers to come along, but Jace insists that he and Clary will be fine.

Yeah, sure. Last time you and she were out she almost got killed and you recklessly endangered her. ‘Fine’ is not a word to describe your interactions thus far.

On their way out, Alec shifts into Queen Bitch-mode (you have no idea how accurate a description that is) and gives Clary his best death glare, which is described as “as sour as poison.”

Weird Word Choice: 4

Damn it, CC, would you please stop with the similes and metaphors? Most of the time they don’t work or don’t make sense, so why include them? “Sour as poison”? I don’t associate “sour” with “poison”. Why not describe his look as “poisonous” instead? It still gets the message across – arguably better, because the reader isn’t stuck wondering what the hell you’re talking about.

So Jace and Clary make their way to the elevator, making semi-idle chit-chat along the way, and Clary finally asks how he knew she was related to a Shadowhunter. His answer?

He guessed.

I’ll let that sink in for a minute.

…

…

…

Okay, are we back?

Well, Clary – in one of her few moments of clarity around Jace – is almost as disturbed by this as a normal person would be, and says he must have been really certain. Jace (being an idiot) tells her that he was 90% sure. And in perhaps one last dying effort, the rational part of Clary’s brain takes over.

There must have been something in her voice, because he turned to look at her. Her hand cracked across his face, a slap that rocked him back on his heels. He put his hand to his cheek, more in surprise than pain. “What the hell was that for?”
“The other ten percent,” she said.

Goodbye, rational Clary. You will be missed.

There’s a scene cut (though not a random one, unfortunately), and they’re suddenly on the train to Brooklyn. Jace is being uncharacteristically silent, thank the deity of your choice (personally, I go with Yog-Sothoth), and Clary is going over her talk with Luke in her head.

Only she’s not, because rather than discussing how she feels about being abandoned by the only father figure she’s ever had, the narration instead chooses to focus on the pair of teenage girls further down the car. They’re obviously preppy popular bitches, because they’re just like the girls from Clary’s school that she doesn’t like.

Never mind that all they’ve done so far is share a subway car with Clary and giggle.

At first Clary thinks they’re laughing at her (remember, they’re obviously bitches), but then she realizes they’re looking at Jace and obviously think he’s cute. The narration tries to justify this with a claim along the lines of “all girls act the same way when they think someone’s cute,” but I’m not buying it. I think it’s more likely that this is authorial intervention, like what SMeyer did in the Twilight books – the author insert protagonist finds the male character attractive, therefore all girls must find him attractive.

And of course this brings the topic back to Jace, and we’re told that Clary, “had nearly forgotten that Jace was cute.” (emphasis not mine). Because the fact that he’s a complete and utter tool only almost makes him unattractive. There’s an annoying description of Jace’s eyes – they’re yellow, though the narration describes them as being “the color of golden syrup” before Clary realizes that Jace is staring right at her.

I’d like to make a digression here, if you’ll allow me. When did characters having yellow eyes become the ideal? Was it with Twilight? Because in the real world, having yellow eyes is not a good thing. Even in fiction, it’s usually) a sign that there’s at least something odd about the character. Having yellow eyes is not normal.

Also, why has this not been mentioned before now? You’d think the fact that Jace has yellow eyes would have been brought up by this point.

Moving along, Jace asks why Clary’s staring at him, and she for whatever reason tells him about the girls staring at him. And here we get what might be the best piece of evidence for why Jace is an asshole:

Jace assumed an air of mellow gratification. “Of course they are,” he said. “I am stunningly attractive.”
“Haven’t you ever heard that modesty is an attractive trait?”
“Only from ugly people,” Jace confided. “The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.” He winked at the girls, who giggled and hid behind their hair.

Rapier Twit: 6

Good god, that statement alone could out-smug George Clooney’s Academy Awards acceptance speech.! And it’s not that I have a problem with characters who know that they’re attractive and are comfortable with that. Jace, in that one statement, went past that point and straight into “I’m pretty, and therefore better than you.”

Characters who believe that are usually the villains, CC. You have yet to give me a reason to feel anything regarding Jace other than whit-hot fury.

And if it’s supposed to be funny, it utterly fails, because he acts like this all the time.

On an unrelated note, how many other people are on this particular car? I know that it’s probably a weekday, and it’s late-afternoon or early-evening, and the actual number of subway passengers can vary at times; but having now actually been to New York, I can be reasonably certain that no subway car, regardless of the time or date, has only four occupants.

Also, when you say these girls “hid behind their hair”, which I’m picturing picturing as them pulling their hair over their eyes like curtains. Wut?

Getting back to whatever-this-is-because-it-sure-isn’t-plot, Clary does not give Jace another slap to match the one from the elevator like she should, but instead asks how the aforementioned girls can see him, and he waves it away by saying that, since glamours are annoying, he just didn’t bother.

That’s a real professional attitude, there Jace. It’s mildly inconvenient, so why bother? It’s not like you’re supposed to be concealing your existence or anything.

And what’s the difference between glamour and magic, smartass?

They get off the train and, just to further prove that Jace belongs in some kind of Shadowhunter remedial program, he then pulls out his lightsaber seraph blade and starts playing with it and humming.

Yeah, because that’s how someone who’s been trained for combat would treat a dangerous weapon.

And to top it all off, when Clary tells him to stop, he starts humming louder.

Dear god, he’s like a four-year-old. Our ‘hero’, everybody.

Rather than telling him to act his age, or giving him another smack, Clary apologizes for slapping him the first time. Jace says that she should be glad she hit him and not Alec, because would have hit her back.

Sorry, CC, but giving Jace a veneer of chivalry doesn’t make him likeable.

But mentioning Alec brings up the whole ‘parabatai’ thing, which Jace explains as “a pair of warriors who fight together – who are closer than brothers.”

Yes, I explained this last time – they’re lovers. Keep this in mind for later – it really informs some character relationships.

Jace also says that his dad and Alec’s dad were parabatai, and that’s why he lives with them now. I’m not going to say anything here, because the jokes practically write themselves. It’s not even like shooting fish in a barrel – it’s shooting fish taped to the end of the gun.

They finally reach Clary’s apartment building, and are surprised to find no signs of property damage or police tape cordoning off the area. Well, considering that it’s been three days, there was no mention of property damage on the outside of the building, and at least one other person lives in said building and any evidence of a crime was in one apartment, why would there be? Also, wasn’t it established that the “cops” who did show up were actually demons in disguise?

Plot Hole: 3

Clary points out that nothing looks different, Jace tries to sound ominous (and fails), and produces another sensor. Clary actually asks what it does (because the name wasn’t a dead giveaway, evidently), and Jace explains, again doing so in a very poor manner (though whether I should blame him or CC is up for debate).

The sensor picks up “demonic frequencies,” because apparently demons fall somewhere on the EM spectrum. Don’t ask me how that works. Jace starts waving it around like the tricorder it basically is and says it’s all clear.

Thank you, Mr. Chekov. (Jace isn’t cool enough to be Spock. He barely qualifies to be a Redshirt)

Clary heads entrance, but stops when she notices some scratches on the front door that might, might be claw marks. Considering she couldn’t see them from the sidewalk, I’m not sure why she’s freaking out about it, but Jace volunteers to go in first anyway. Clary doesn’t respond because she’s too busy having a quasi-PTSD moment and flashing back to the other night, and the narrations says that she could “taste the terror” and that it “was sharp and coppery on her tongue like old pennies.”

Weird Word Choice: 5

Because we need to be told what copper tastes like. Also, I didn’t know fear had a taste.

They finally go inside, and lo and behold, there is something wrong – fresh blood on the banister. Still, they decide to continue on, rather than going back to get some backup like sensible people.

Our not-so-dynamic duo manage to get to the actual apartment, and while CC might be trying to build tension, the fact that nothing’s really happening isn’t helping to maintain the atmosphere.

The apartment looks like it’s been ransacked – everything that wasn’t nailed down and/or on fire is gone. Clary seems confused by this, rather than concluding that who-or-what ever was after her mom might have done this to make it look like a burglary. There’s also the fact that the place has been empty for three days, so some of the stuff might actually have been stolen.

Or at least that would be my assumption, but I’m rational like that.

Meanwhile, Jace has been busy playing Landing Party again, and proclaims the apartment safe. It looks like those sensor things only have a range of about ten feet. How useful. Jace doesn’t pick up anything and not-so-subtly asks if they can leave, but Clary wants to check out her room. Since as near as I can tell they’ve only walked about five feet into the apartment, I’m going to go with the girl on this one.

They walk down the hallway to Clary’s room, and I still have no idea how big this place is. When they reach the door, the doorknob is freezing cold. Rather than mention this to Jace, Clary plows right on ahead and tries to open the door, but the knob is hard to turn, “as if the other side of it were embedded in something glutinous and syrupy.”

Weird Word Choice: 6

I understand that ‘glutinous’ is a synonym for sticky, but my first thought is to wonder how being inside bread would make a doorknob stick.

But we’re not given much time to ponder why CC won’t put away her word-a-day calendar, because the door suddenly bursts open and Clary is flung across the hallway. Turns out there was a giant guy with an equally giant axe hiding in Clary’s room. He’s also described as smelling of “poisonous sweat and rotting flesh.”

Weird Word Choice: 7

How exactly is ‘poisonous sweat’ different from normal sweat?

Also,

Plot Hole: 4

How do you not notice something that smells like decomposing flesh? I imagine a smell like that would be hard to miss. CC, while I appreciate the inclusion of multi-sensory descriptions, just because you can’t see something doesn’t mean you can’t smell something. This is why natural gas is mixed with other chemicals – so that, if you have a leak, you can smell it.

Well, this whole time Jace has been fighting the whatever-it-is. He whips out his seraph blade, and now you get to see why I called it a lightsaber:

A blade shot from the tube. Clary thought of old movies where bayonets were hidden inside walking sticks, released at the flick of a switch. But she’d never seen a blade like this before: clear as glass, with a glowing hilt, wickedly sharp and nearly as long as Jace’s forearm.

Yep. The blade both glows and the only ‘real’ part is the hilt. Also, how can Clary tell the thing is sharp just by looking at it?

And while we’re here,

Weird Word Choice: 8

I’m not entirely sure what movies CC is referring to, but I’m damn sure that the weapon she’s thinking of was not, in fact, a bayonet. Maybe, maybe she’s thinking of a swordstick, but that would be a ‘sword’ concealed in a stick, not a ‘bayonet’. They are not the same thing. One is designed to go on the end of a musket/rifle, effectively making it function as a spear, while the other is not.

Getting back to the action, Jace cuts the neither-jolly-nor-green giant, slips past him, grabs Clary, and they make a run for it. They manage to get out of the apartment, and Jace slams the door shut behind them. And for some reason roid-rage guy can’t just bash this door down too, because it’s actually stopping him.

Clary’s been spacing out this whole time, so Jace, in a rare moment of clarity, tells her to run, but again it is all for naught, because even a locked door can’t stand up to axe-wielding hobo-Hulk, and the door flies off its hinges. Jace nevertheless manages to dodge out of the way at super speed, even though as near as I could tell he was standing right in front of it.

Why? Because he’s a Stu, that’s why.

Meanwhile, Clary is still completely brain-dead, because she’s still just standing there. Move it, you ditz! I’ve seen girls killed in the first five minutes of slasher flicks with better survival instincts than you!

But evidently our muscle-bound monstrosity has a taste for Stu flesh, and having caught the scent of Jace, completely ignores him. He makes the mistake of chucking his axe at our blond ‘hero’, and Jace dodges because, again, he’s a Stu. In return, Jace stabs the monster, embedding his weapon in its shoulder.

Reality manages to break in at this point, because roid-man get a hold of Jace and proceeds to beat on him.

Yeah, I wish. Instead, the thing falls down the stairs, dead, but manages to drag Jace along for the ride.

Plot Hole: 5

Jace stabbed the thing in the shoulder. Now, I know that I might have been exaggerating this thing’s size, and depending on the angle the blade struck at Jace might have been able to puncture one of its lungs, but come on! The thing gets stabbed once and just dies?!? What the crap, CC?

With the monster almost dead, Clary shifts out of “damsel in distress” mode and into “damsel concerned for hero” mode. Jace is at the bottom of the stairs, with the roid-monster’s corpse on his legs. Despite all this, Jace’s only injury is a broken arm. Still, being a budding psycho, Jace’s principle concern is making sure to get the kill, and even has Clary give him another of his not-lightsabers to do it.

Now, you may all be wondering why Jace didn’t pick up the recently departed muscle monster on his little doohickey, or more likely assuming that he has no clue how to operate the damn thing. But CC manages to cut us off at the pass – that monster? Not a demon. Why the sensor thingy couldn’t pick this thing up isn’t explained, though. Maybe it’s in the FM band.

Moving back to Jace’s improbable lack of injuries, CC realizes that there might be consequences to her beloved Draco-expy not being able to use an arm, and neatly covers this up with him using a spell rune to fix it, leaving behind only a thin pale scar-like mark where the rune was.

This leads to Clary having a flash of her mom with similar scars all over her back, but of course she must just be imagining it, because her mom doesn’t have any scars on her back.

And if you believe that and can’t see the obvious twist coming, then congratulations – you’re the ideal audience for this book.

So, having cast Cure Inconvenient Wounds, Jace says that they need to tell Hodge about this, and that, “He’ll freak out.” This thought seems to please him inordinately, a fact Clary attributes to Jace liking “when things were happening, even things that were bad,” but I’m going with my theory – because it gives Jace a chance to gloat about his latest kill. Only when he tells it, there will be three monsters and he’ll have taken them out without getting scratched.

But before we can do that, we get, you guessed it, another info dump!

Clary, finally catching on to the fact that Jace hasn’t yet explained exactly what it is he’s just killed, and wants to know what the heck it is. I’ll sum up – remember those ‘Forsaken’ mentioned by blue-hair anime-demon back in chapter one? That’s what that thing was. Where do they come from? Well, they’re the result of too many runes being used on a non-Shadowhunter. So, had Jace’s theory about Clary being part Shadowhunter been wrong, this would have probably been the result.

And no, Clary does not, in fact, hit him again for risking her life.

I have one quick question though – why are they called ‘Forsaken’? In all her desire to use special words to prove how smart she is, CC doesn’t appear to have consulted a dictionary at all. For the curious, ‘forsaken’ is the past participle form of the verb ‘forsake’, which dictionary.com defines as:

1. to quit or leave entirely; abandon; desert
2. to give up or renounce

How have these poor people done either? Or have they been forsaken?

As an example, let’s take two reasonably well known groups called ‘the Forsaken’: one from the Wheel of Time) series, and the other from the MMO World of Warcraft.

The first were all good guys, but chose to join up with the series’ equivalent of the Devil. They’re ‘the Forsaken’ because they switched sides, abandoning their allies.

The second is a group of the Undead who have managed to break away from the Lich King’s control. These guys are “forsaken” because they’ve renounced their forced allegiance.

But if these Forsaken are called that because they’ve been forsaken, who or what have they been forsaken by? God, the Powers-that-Be, Fate, what?

Weird Word Choice: 9

Also, these Forsaken are crazy loyal to whoever marked them, but are also pretty stupid, as demonstrated before. Oh, and Jace flat out says that they’re evil. Not that they’re tragic victims of evil people, but that they’re monsters that need to be put down.

Are we entirely sure that Jace is supposed to be the good guy?

Whatever. Jace decides to go back and check for more (because he handled that first one so well and all), but gets interrupted when Madame Dorothea shows up and tells him that there’s probably a lot more Forsaken out there.

I’m not going to lie, this is one of my favorite parts of this book. Why? Because Madame Dorothea is just so utterly unimpressed with Jace, unlike pretty much every other character we’ve met so far. And when Jace gives her his special brand of snark, she dishes it right back at him, only ten times wittier.

Here’s a sample:

Jace was still staring “But…”
“More what?” Clary said.
“More Forsaken,” replied Dorothea with a cheerfulness that, Clary felt, didn’t really fit the circumstances. She glanced around the entryway. “You have made a mess, haven’t you? I’m sure you weren’t planning on cleaning up either. Typical.”
“But you’re a mundane,” Jace said, finally finishing his sentence.
“So observant,” said Dorothea, her eyes gleaming. “The Clave really broke the mold with you.”

And she’s like this all. The. Time. With that one line, she has skyrocketed to rivaling Simon for being my favorite character in this book.

Jace tries to go all bad cop on Dorothea, saying that not telling the Clave about the Forsaken is against the law, but Mme. D just goes “The Clave ain’t done nothin’ for me” and waves him off.

For once, Clary doesn’t back Jace, instead asking if Mme. Dorothea knows anything about her mom’s disappearance. D tells her to give up the search, because her mom’s gone. Not dead, mind – just gone. But Clary’s insistent, but Dorothea doesn’t want to get involved with Shadowhunters (not that I blame her), so Jace steps up and basically threatens to get a warrant, so Mme. D decides to cooperate. But not before we get this little gem as they’re entering Dorothea’s apartment:

“But if you tell anyone I helped you, Shadowhunter, you’ll wake up tomorrow with snakes for hair and an extra pair of arms.”
“That might be nice, and extra pair of arms,” Jace said. “Handy in a fight.”
“Not if they’re growing out of your… “Dorothea paused and smiled at him, not without malice. “Neck.”

Neck. That’s totally what she meant to say.

There’s a little bit about Mme. D knowing Jace’s last name, and CC tries to be ominous, and the chapter ends.

Bit of a mix this chapter – on the one hand, there was some real action, and we finally get to meet another good character. On the other, the action mostly consisted of Jace showing off, and there was still quite a bit of info dumping.

Next chapter, the “plot” finally gets moving again.

Counts

Weird Word Choice: 9 (Total 43)
Rapier Twit: 6 (Total 9)
No Shit Sherlock: 4 (Total 8)
Plot Hole: 5 (Total 30)

Comment [28]

Welcome back, my friends, to the show that just won’t end. As you’ll no doubt remember from last time, Clary and Jace (after encountering a less-than-hospitable welcome at Clary’s apartment) ran into the amazing and wonderful Madame Dorothea. Why is she so amazing and wonderful? Well, read on and find out.

The chapter begins with a description of Mme. Dorothea’s apartment in excruciating detail – in short, it’s a hodge-podge mix of stereotypical occult-ish stuff, from palm reading to astrology to some Chinese stuff that doesn’t get explained. Clary gets drawn in by a poster for the aforementioned palm reading. Dorothea pokes her head through a bead curtain (really) and asks if Clary’s actually interested or is just being nosy. Clary lies and says she’s neither, and asks if Mme. D can actually read fortunes.

Dorothea talks a bit about how her mom was really good at that sort of thing, from palm reading to tea leaves, and she learned quite a bit from her. Then, being surprisingly gracious, Mme. Dorothea offers Clary and Jace tea. Clary accepts on the grounds that, “She felt as if she’d been running on pure adrenaline since she woke up.”

Clary, apart from the last five minutes, you’re day hasn’t exactly been pulse-pounding. Yeah, it’s been rough, but not nearly as bad as that. Plus, you’re the one who hasn’t had anything to eat yet.

Anyway, Jace also accepts the offer, so long as it isn’t Earl Grey, because he doesn’t like bergamot.

I’m momentarily impressed by this, until Clary decides to comment on it, because it’s just soo amazing that Jace knows that bergamot is in Earl Grey tea, because she’s never met a guy who knows that. I’d assuming it’s because either she doesn’t know many tea-drinkers, or doesn’t know many guys.

What makes it worse is Jace’s response – “I’m not like other guys.”

Yeah, most guys don’t have a kill count, either. That not necessarily a good thing.

He then goes on to say that they’re required to learn basic medical properties of various plants. How this applies to bergamot, I don’t know. Anyone know the answer?

Clary then tries to make a funny comment about what kind of classes Jace might take, and fails miserably at it. Jace responds condescendingly, and refers to her as “Fray.”

This sets her off, because it reminds her of Simon. You remember Simon, right? Clary’s alleged best friend, who she left sitting in that coffee house back in chapter 3? And who she has not thought of, let alone attempted to contact since?

She feels bad for about two seconds, but doesn’t do anything about it, much like a certain other female YA protagonist. Yeah, some friend you are, Clary.

Meanwhile, Jace goes back to being a general asshole. He’s been looking through Dorothea’s books, and declares them all worthless. Clary tries to counter with the idea that Mme. D might use magic different from what he uses, which sets him off on yet another poorly thought out argument:

He scowled furiously, silencing her. “I do not do magic,” he said. “Get it through your head: Human beings are not magic users. It’s part of what makes them human. Witches and warlocks can only use magic because they have demon blood.”
Clary took a moment to process this. “But I’ve seen you use magic. You use enchanted weapons-”
“I use tools that are magical. And just to be able to do that, I have to undergo rigorous training.”

Plot Hole: 3

1) Further world building issues. So Shadowhunters can use magical instruments to make magical things, but they can’t do magic themselves. But where do they get the magical tools from? And again, if runes aren’t magic, then what are they?

2) Are Shadowhunters human or not? They were human once, but not anymore, and yet they treat regular humans like crap.

3) I thought demons were just beings from other dimensions. So, how does having demonic ancestry allow one to do magic? And I thought demons were just beings from another dimension – what does that have to do with using magic in the first place?

AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!

In short – world building is important. Don’t just throw a bunch of ‘cool’ ideas into a blender and hit puree.

Moving on, Clary brings up the possibility of her becoming a Shadowhunter, Jace makes some big talk about how hard it is (yeah, right), and CC tries to be funny by making an eBay joke. The key word there is “tries”.

Also, this:

“Most myths are true, at least in part.”
“I’m starting to get that.”

Yeah, right. I’ll let Pryotra elaborate on that issue.

Mme. D come back and asks why they’re standing around in her front room, and invites them into the parlor. Clary is puzzled that such a place might exist, Jace makes a lame joke,

Rapier Twit: 1

And Dorothea makes one of the best comments in the entire book, if not the series:

“If you were half as funny as you thought you were, my boy, you’d be twice as funny as you are.”

Dear God, it’s beautiful. I wish Dorothea were around more. The fact that Jace is utterly baffled by this just makes it even better.

The parlor is decked out in the most stereotypical Gypsy Fortuneteller look this side of a Universal monster movie. They all sit down to have tea, served with cucumber sandwiches, and we get to learn even more about Jace – he doesn’t like cucumber.

Wasn’t there supposed to be a plot in here somewhere?

But instead of plot, we get more info dumping. Just what this book needed.

Mme. Dorothea says that, though she’s not a witch, her mother was. Jace says this is impossible, because witches/warlocks are human-demon hybrids, and thus sterile. Clary, for once, contributes something to the conversation, namely that mules are also sterile crossbreeds. For once, Jace and I agree on something – Clary’s comment was really stupid.

But there’s a problem with this – hybrids aren’t automatically sterile. They might be sterile with each other, but they can produce offspring with non-hybrids. To go with Clary’s example, female mules can be bred with donkeys or horses For another example, a female liger (make a Napoleon Dynamite joke and I will throat-punch you) “has been successfully bred with a lion.”: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liger#Fertility

On top of that, there’s a long history of human crossbreeds not being sterile in fantasy fiction – see the proliferation of half-elves, half-orcs, and aasimars, tieflings, and gensi in pre-4th edition Dungeons & Dragons. So, why are warlocks entirely sterile?

The answer is: none.

Plot Hole: 4

Also, in this series vampirism and lycanthropy come from demonic diseases. Because why not.

There’s a bit of a dispute about faeries. Dorothea says that they’re fallen angels, while Jace favors the idea that they’re allegedly a crossing of demons and angels. Because that makes so much more sense. And, for some reason, despite faeries allegedly being crossbreeds, they aren’t sterile. Go figure.

Clary tries to ask whether or not angels actually exist (which would only further complicate this cosmology), but Mme. D jumps in to either A) cut the info-dumping short, or B) leave that ambiguous. I’d like to believe it’s A, but more likely it’s B.

So, yeah, turns out she was adopted, and he whole job it to “watch and guard.” She’s all mysterious about exactly what she’s guarding, though, because doing otherwise would be convenient. Dorothea then compliments Clary’s appetite, as the girl’s unintentionally eaten all the sandwiches, and disparages the fact that most girls are so damn skinny nowadays. Clary’s reaction is to remember how skinny Isabelle is, and feels fat.

This is a bit awkward and fanfic-y, because as we’ve already seen, CC isn’t exactly a skinny little stick-woman. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing (I’m not exactly tiny myself), but it doesn’t help the idea that Clary is CC’s self-insert. It’s not as bad as Stephenie Meyer’s treatment of blondes, but it’s still really out-of-place here.

Dorothea gets a bit weird when Clary finishes her tea, grabbing the girl’s cup without so much as asking for it. Not cool, lady. Clary is, once again, baffled by this, and Jace has to explain that Mme. D is reading her tea leaves. For some reason, Dorothea has some trouble reading Clary’s cup, and in a minor moment of awesomeness, grabs Jace’s cup to check his, ignoring his protests the whole time.

I’m okay with this, because Jace is a dick. Is that petty? Maybe.

Dorothea gives a vague prediction, because that’s the perfect way to differentiate this from the Harry Potter books. She sees violence (duh), lots of blood shead (again, duh), that Jace will fall in love with the wrong person (SUBTLE FORESHADOWING!!1!1!!), and that he has an enemy. Jace, like me, is surprised that it’s just the one. Then again, he probably kills any potential enemies before they have a chance to become a threat.

Satisfied that her third eye isn’t going blind, Mme. D returns to Clary’s cup, but still can’t make anything out. She then asks if Clary has a block in her mind – a spell that affects her memory and ability to see the supernatural.

No Shit Sherlock: 1

Clary immediately denies this.

Okay, Clary, I need you to think for a minute – you’re starting to see and remember things that you’ve never seen before, and that you’re constantly denying. Like, say, your mom’s scars. You’ve had outside observers mention them (namely, Simon), and you’ve just learned that there might be something affecting your ability to perceive these kinds of things.

And you deny it.

Our heroine everyone.

Also, quick question – how would a spell affecting someone’s mind have any influence over telling their fortune? You’re looking at what might/will happen, not doing a personality test.

Plot Hole: 5

Jace more or less says what I just did, and Clary gets defensive about it. Also, there’s a stupid sex/puberty joke.

Not one to give up, Dorothea decides to switch tactics – she has Clary blindly pull a card from her tarot deck. She pulls the Ace of Cups, which Dorothea says is, “The love card.”

Except that, like most tarot cards, there’s more to it than that – it’s really more about relationships in general. You’d think that an actual fortune teller would know that.

Or, more likely, CC didn’t do enough research.

Plot Hole: 6

Clary examines the card, noticing that it’s very detailed and hand-painted, and asks if it’s a good card. Dorothea says no, but it is important. She then asks what the card means to Clary, and apropos of nothing, Clary says that her mother painted the card. There’s no explanation of this, like that she recognizes the brushwork or something. No, she just knows.

Plot Hole: 7

Dorothea explains that Jocelyn painted the whole deck as a gift, and Jace goes all bad-cop on her, asking how well she knew Clary’s mom. Mme. D doesn’t cave, though, and says that they both knew each other’s big secrets, and that they helped each other out on occasion – Jocelyn made Dorothea a nice tarot deck, and Dorothea kept her ear to the ground for Jocelyn, listening for any news about Valentine.

And at the mere mention of Valentine’s name, Clary freaks, and Jace continues to push Dorothea for more info. Mme. D reveals what the audience has already figured out – Jocelyn was a Shadowhunter. And again, Clary denies this.

Jace, however, leaps on this, saying that Clary’s mom lived in this particular house because it’s a Sanctuary – a place where Downworlders can hide from the Clave. And he pretty much accuses Dorothea of hiding criminals. Dorothea doesn’t budge, though, and has Jace recite the Covenant’s motto.

“Sed lex, dura lex,” said Jace automatically. “The Law is hard, but it is the Law.”

Weird Word Choice: 2

Yes, I gave that a double shot. Here’s why:

*First, the correct phrase is “Dura lex sed lex.” I know Latin is one of those languages where word order isn’t as important (the upside of having a robust case system), but you still need to get it right.
*Second, because there’s that annoying capitalization of ‘law’. Don’t treat it like some sacred thing in-text if no one’s going to act like it’s that important.

Dorothea more or less gives the same argument that Roy Greenhilt gave to Miko Miyazaki, namely that following the law is kinda pointless if innocent people are going to be hurt because of it. Jace, much like Miko, doesn’t buy it, and threatens to tell the Clave about Dorothea.

This finally snaps Clary out of observation mode and tries to reason with Jace, but to no avail. He points to a random door that apparently doesn’t lead anywhere as proof. Dorothea explains that it’s the eponymous five-dimensional door. Why five dimensions? No idea. But it can take you anywhere, so that’s pretty handy if you need to make a quick getaway.

Clary wonders why her mom didn’t use the thing when she got attacked, and concludes that she was waiting for Clary to come home. Except that Jocelyn specifically told Clary not to come home, thus negating the whole reason for why she didn’t make a run for it in the first place.

Plot Hole: 8

Regardless, Clary decides that she wants to know where he mom would have run, and opens the door, completely disregarding warnings from both Jace and Mme. Dorothea.

And with that, the chapter ends.

A few quick thoughts before I go.

Clary continues to be of little use in the overall story, sitting back and observing while other characters do most of the work at best, or actively bumbling her way through this new world at worst.

Thinking about it, the comparison between Jace and Miko is more appropriate than I initially believed – they’re both zealous to an annoying degree, far too quick to resort to violence (or the threat thereof), and qualify as Tautological Templars – they are ‘good’, so any action they take is ‘good’. The only difference is that we’re not supposed to like Miko.

The chapter’s title is totally inappropriate, as the five-dimensional door doesn’t appear until the last page or so of the chapter.

The only real saving grace here is Madame Dorothea, who if nothing else was entertaining. Stereotypical bordering on offensive at times, but still entertaining. She offers a look into the other side of this world, showing that the Shadowhunters might not be as squeaky clean as they like to think they are.

And unfortunately, we won’t be seeing her for quite some time. Hope you enjoyed her while you had the chance.

So, what awaits our heroes on the other side of the five-dimensional door? You’ll find out next time, in Chapter 8 – Weapon of Choice.

Whenever I get around to sporking it. Remember when I put these things out almost once a week? Good times.

Counts

Weird Word Choice: 2 (Total 45)
Rapier Twit: 1 (Total 10)
No Shit Sherlock: 1 (Total 9)
Plot Hole: 8 (Total 38)

Comment [28]

Hi, everybody! Bit of a long one today, so let’s get to it.

Chapter 8 picks up with Clary falling out of a tree. Through sheer luck, she does not hit every branch on the way down. And then Jace lands on top of her, somehow managing to get his hair in her mouth. Not sure how, but he does.

They play the blame game for a bit, and unfortunately I have to agree with Jace – jumping through a random portal to god-knows-where is a stupid thing to do. I wouldn’t call him “right,” just “less wrong,” because he was stupid to go after her. Egh. To quote Obi-Wan, “Who’s the greater fool – the fool, or the fool who follows him?”

Whatever. Clary looks around and recognizes where they are – Luke’s house. Remember him? Clary’s not!dad, who clearly has a thing for Clary’s mom? Yeah. Turns out he owns a bookstore, and has an apartment behind it. I’m kind of envious.

Clary, demonstrating her utter lack of a short-term memory, asks how they got there. Jace exposits a bit more about the Portal.

Weird Word Choice: 1

STOP WITH THE FRIGGIN’ RANDOM CAPITALIZATION!!

So, the Portal shudder takes you wherever your thinking of. But Clary, being so empty-headed, wasn’t thinking of anywhere. Which, by that logic, should have either

A) literally sent them nowhere, or

B) not worked at all.

Plot Hole: 1

I’m petty. Sue me.

Jace doesn’t accept this, refusing to see what the audience has already figured out. The little delinquent also decides to add “breaking and entering” to the list of crimes he’s committed, figuring that since the Portal grr dropped them here, they should investigate Luke. Clary, of course, folds like a house of cards in a strong wind.

He hops the fence and lands in the bushes, startling something out of them. This gets his blood up, and since he hasn’t killed anything for a whole half-hour, he chases after it, looking, and I quote, “murderous.”

Clary, meanwhile, finally starts climbing the fence.

Jace chases down his prey, which turns out to be Simon. Remember Simon? Clary’s best friend, who’s clearly in love with her, and who she hasn’t thought about since, what, chapter 3? Yeah. Clary is surprised, and Jace is a psycho.

Simon and Clary go off to talk, while Jace uses his wand to pick at his nails. Clearly, he is truly a great and professional hunter of monsters.

Clary’s confused (big surprise) as to why Simon’s hanging out in Luke’s back yard. He acts as the voice of reason, going over everything from a rational perspective: she disappeared a few days ago without a word, all means of communication were cut off, and then Luke gave him some lame cover story about her visiting relatives.

And then it kinda falls apart, because rather than thinking that Clary’s been kidnapped or something, like a logical person, Simon instead wondered if he’d made her mad. Because that was the only reasonable conclusion.

Clary tries to reassure him, but Simon once again acts awesome:

“You’re my best friend,” Clary said. “I wasn’t mad at you.”
“Yeah, well, you clearly also couldn’t be bothered to call me and tell me you were shacking up with some dyed-blond wanna-be goth you probably met at Pandemonium,” Simon pointed out sourly. “After I spent the past three days wondering if you were dead.”

Since Clary is a YA Paranormal Romance heroine, she of course defends her honor, rather than apologizing for not contacting her alleged best friend. And then Jace adds this:

“And my hair is naturally blond,” said Jace. “Just for the record.”

Rapier Twit: 1

Fuck you, psycho.

So, after the runaround Luke gave Simon, he took some initiative and kept a watch on Luke’s house. And what did he see? Luke filling a bag with weapons. Which would be pretty damn suspicious. Good on you, boy.

Then for some reason Clary/CC looks over at Jace and swoons over his eyes.

She glanced at Jace. The last light of sunset struck gold sparks from his eyes.

Ma’am, please keep both hands on the keyboard while typing. Thank you.

When Clary finally comes back to her senses, she decides she’s going to tell Simon all about what’s really going on. After clearing it with Jace. Who then shows just how bad at this he is at his job by letting her.

No, seriously. He gives a lame excuse about Clary not being sworn to keep this stuff a secret, which apparently makes it okay.

I’m severely tempted to count that as a Plot Hole, but I doubt the other Shadowhunters are this lax. It’s just another reason for Jace to be supervised at all times.

We get a random scene break

Random Scene Break: 1

(Yay! I finally got to break that count in!)

and Clary explains the whole deal to Simon, who takes all this surprisingly well. Then we get to the question-and-answer portion of the discussion, where we get this:

He pointed at Jace. “Now he’s a – what do you call people like him again?”
“He’s a Shadowhunter,” Clary said.
“A demon hunter,” Jace clarified. “I kill demons. It’s not that complicated, really.”

Weird Word Choice: 2

So why aren’t you called Demon Hunters? (Hey, if the prose is practically pointing out how the name doesn’t make sense, why should I show pity?)

Simon’s still a bit skeptical, though, but at least we get some decent writing out of it:

His eyes were narrowed, as if he half-expected her to tell him that none of it was true and Jace was actually a dangerous escaped lunatic she’d decided to befriend on humanitarian grounds.

Don’t discount that “dangerous lunatic” theory, Simon. Just because Clary’s telling the truth doesn’t make it wrong.

Simon probes a bit more about what being a Shadowhunter means, and then he loses most of his awesomeness. Yep, he goes fanboy:

“That is so awesome,” he said.
Jace looked as startled as Clary felt. “Awesome?”
Simon nodded enthusiastically enough to make the dark curls bounce on his forehead. “Totally. It’s like Dungeons and Dragons, but real.”
Jace was looking at Simon as if he were some bizarre species of insect. “It’s like what?”
“It’s a game,” Clary explained. She felt vaguely embarrassed. “People pretend to be wizards and elves, and they kill monsters and stuff.”
Jace looked stupified.

Oh, oh, god…

I… what the fuck? Seriously, what the actual fuck?

I mean, yeah, I get it. I get what CC was maybe trying to go for here – Simon’s a nerd who just found out that some of the stuff he’s been fantasizing about for years is actually real. And, to be honest, that’s probably how I’d react.

But it’s the way it’s handled here that gets me. Jace is confused (which, again, I get), but Clary, our heroine and main POV character, is uncomfortable. It’s like Simon’s showing off her old Disney Princess panties or something. Simon is supposed to be her best friend, and yet she’s embarrassed by the way he’s acting. I understand being a bit embarrassed your friends doing stupid, but this feels like something completely different – Clary’s with the cool kids Shadowhunters now, and doesn’t want be reminded that she was once a nerd friends with Simon. Read into that what you will.

Plus, Jace is a complete tool. He does not deserve fanboy-ing. Or fangirl-ing, for that matter.

Luckily, things soon return to normal: our “heroes” remember that they were going to break into Luke’s house, and Jace makes a really dumb joke about not letting Simon come along, despite him being the only one who’s done anything useful so far.

Rapier Twit: 2

But shock and horror, the door’s locked! Why, what possible reason would someone have to lock their door when they’re not a home and live in a big city like New York?

Luckily for them, Jace knows alohomora how to unlock doors with his wand. And, of course, refers to them with the semi-racial epithet “mundanes” before doing so.

All is once again right with the world.

Inside, they pass through a dark storage room before Jace’s spidy-sense starts tingling, and he casts lumos summons a “witchlight.” And is a dick about it, laughing when the sudden bright light hurts Simon’s eyes.

They poke around a bit, and find a set of manacles attached to the wall. Clary is, of course, insistent that they couldn’t just be for kinky sex, because, and I must again quote the text, “This is Luke we’re talking about.”

Yes, because there’s no possibility that he could be into that kind of stuff but hasn’t told you. Not at all. I mean, it’s so shocking. We’ve seen him, what, once? And there was that phone conversation. Clearly that’s enough to figure out whether he might be into bondage. Because that’s totally something he’d feel comfortable discussing with his girlfriend’s friend’s daughter. Who sorta views him as a father figure. Oh, yeah.

Sadly, all possibility of that is dashed when Jace finds blood inside one of the manacles, finds evidence that someone tried to pull the chains from the wall.

See, Clary, now would be the time to reassure Simon. Because all evidence here indicates that Luke has locked up at least one person.

They poke around some more, we get some decent description of the shop and Clary’s memories of her time spent there, namely reading the Chronicles of Prydain. See, that’s how you show someone being an avid reader.

Meanwhile, Simon continues to show that he’s at leas the second most useful person in the room by noticing that there’s still-hot coffee in the kitchenette, and concludes that Luke must be somewhere nearby. Not exactly Sherlock Holmes, but I’ll take what I can get.

Clary is still in omniscient-narrator-mode, though ,as she continues to walk through Luke’s apartment. While doing so, she finds her backpack of stuff she keeps at Luke’s place, supposedly so she doesn’t have to keep bringing her own, but also so CC doesn’t have to come up with an explanation for how Clary keeps having clean clothes that fit. We get a description of the bag itself, including a button referencing what I’d consider CC’s most successful bit of fiction yet, The Very Secret Diaries. Probably not a good idea, CC – makes me wonder what happened between writing those and writing this.

We also get a literal laundry list of the bag’s contents, and another as Clary changes into some of her own clothes. Which are also described. Because that’s the most important thing here – what Clary’s wearing.

Moving back to the break in investigation, Jace and Simon managed to find Luke’s bag o’ weapons, and are rifling though it. One of the things they pull out is a chakram (which CC insisted on spelling ‘chakhram’),

Weird Word Choice: 3

which is treated as legitimately weird. We also get our chapter title name-dropped, as it was Hodge’s preferred weapon back in the day. And from the way Jace describes how it’s wielded, the things sound overly difficult to use properly. (Though, according to wikipedia, it is the most “iconic” method of their use.)

Clary, still in denial, tries to cover this weirdness up by saying that Luke likes to collect art, pointing to the various statues and whatnot around the room.

Clary, honey, could you answer a question for me? What’s it like to be naturally immune to radiation? Because you’re denser than lead. There’s a big difference between collecting bits of artwork, and having a bag full of knives.

Jace gives Clary a cracked photo of her, her mom, and Luke – the same one she used to fend of that demon at her apartment back in chapter 4. Clary then feels the need to state the obvious, namely that Luke must have been by the apartment.

No Shit Sherlock: 1

Not to be out-done in stating the obvious, Jace concludes that Luke was the last person to go through Dorothea’s magic door.

No Shit Sherlock: 2

Because evidently they only change destinations when someone passing through is actually thinking of a place to go.

Plot Hole: 3

Double count, because:

A) Wouldn’t that make them kinda useless as a means of escape? The authorities can just jump right through after their prey.

And,

B) Why didn’t Jace mention this when they first showed up outside Luke’s place?

Clary’s a bit irked that Dorothea didn’t tell them Luke came by, with Jace figuring that Luke either payed Dorothea to keep quiet, or she just didn’t trust them. I personally favor the latter.

Simon interrupts the not so dynamic duo, and cements himself as the most useful person in the room by pointing out that Luke’s returned, and he isn’t alone. Why is he not the hero?

Jace takes a look, concludes that Luke’s guests are warlocks, and asks if there’s a back door they can use. Why aren’t you running for the door you came in through? Are they that close that you can’t sneak out?

Plot Hole: 4

We soon find out why they can’t just make a run for it – they need to listen in on a conversation just full of info dumping.

They hide behind a conveniently placed screen (of course) just as Luke and his buddies enter the room. Jace casts a spell to turn part of the screen into a one-way window. An explanation he somehow manages to mouth to them, despite it being a fairly complex sentence. Clary and Simon move over to look through the magic window, which gets explained again by the narration.

No Shit Sherlock: 3

That’s for CC. I think your readers can grasp the idea of a one-way window. You don’t need to explain it twice.

Luke enters the room (wait, wasn’t he was already in the room?).

Plot Hole: 5

and invites the other two guys in. You can tell they’re Evil TM because they’re wearing red robes. Because that totally wouldn’t stand out. Then again, this is New York we’re talking about, so what do I know?

We also get a brief description of the two: one of them has a beard (because the robes weren’t subtle enough, I guess), and the other has red hair. And purple skin. And before you ask, those details are given out in that precise order. No, I don’t know why. Personally, the purple skin would have been the first thing I’d notice.

Meanwhile, Jace is trembling, either with suppressed rage or arousal – it’s hard to tell sometimes. And Clary, of course, has to ask if the red robes are warlocks.

No Shit Sherlock: 6

Gee, one of them has purple skin, they’re dressed like LARPers, and Jace already said the two guys with Luke were warlocks. What do you think?

Beardy starts talking to Luke (referring to him as “Graymalk”, btw), and Luke identifies him as Pangborn. The purple guy’s name is revealed to be Blackwell.

Thanks. Now at least they have names.

Pangborn repeats that whole “all myths are true” line that CC utterly fails to deliver on. Luke asks if Valentine sent them, which Pangborn confirms. Valentine wants to know if Luke’s “changed his mind.” Luke says no, and asks about the cloaks. Apparently they’re “official Accord robes,” from Valentine’s failed coup. One might assume they’d have changed the uniform since then, but whatever.

Also, turns out Luke’s real first name is Lucian. Subtle. (Just for elucidation, Underworld came out in 2003, and this book was published in 2007).

Pangborn tries to reminisce about the Uprising, but Luke refuses to cooperate. Pangborn pushes him a bit, claiming that Jocelyn hid the MacGuffin Cup, confirming that the disappearance of Clary’s mom had something to do with Valentine. Also, she’s been unconscious since they captured her. Call me crazy, but I’d be a bit concerned about that. Oh, and Pangborn implies that Luke used to have a thing for her.

And despite them referring to Clary’s mom by name, Clary actually wonders if they might be talking about her mom.

I… just… moving on.

Luke denies any feelings towards Jocelyn (what are you, a fifth grader?), and we get to the real point of their visit – they’re looking for Clary. Also, Luke used to be a Shadowhunter. He denies any knowledge of Clary’s whereabouts, and says he doesn’t plan on getting involved with Valentine’s plans. Pangborn says they’d be willing to offer Jocelyn in exchange for the MacGuffin Cup, and Luke again turns them down.

There’s a bit more of threatening, blah blah blah, and the red cloaks leave. Once Luke leaves, our insipid intrepid heroes come out of hiding. Clary’s either in shock, or her brain went into overload from the info dump. Jace feels the need to explain what the red cloaks already explained about her mom having the MacGuffin Cup

No Shit Sherlock: 7

And Clary again denies the possibility of this, because she’s an idiot. Jace says the red cloaks seemed kinda friendly with Luke, Simon points out how blindingly wrong that statement is, and Jace counters by noting they didn’t kill him. Because I guess in his mind that’s just what you do with people you don’t like.

Clary argues that maybe they didn’t kill Luke because he is/was a Shadowhunter, but Jace doubts that, because they killed his father.

And with that, the chapter ends.

So, what have we learned?

Well, for one, Clary is an idiot. There’s denial, and then there’s this. We’re past skepticism at this point – now she’s just being obtuse.

The plot has more or less been explained: at some point in the past, Jocelyn stole the Mortal Cup, presumably to protect it from Valentine, and hid it away somewhere. Now (like a certain other villain) he’s back and looking for it, presumably to pick up where he left off.

We learned a bit about Luke and Jocelyn’s pasts – both of them used to be Shadowhunters, but were banished for reasons unknown. Luke had something to do with Valentine’s uprising. And he was/is in love with her.

Valentine was responsible for Jocelyn’s disappearance, and is holding her captive. He knows about and is looking for Clary. Exactly why has not been made clear.

And that’s about it. For being such a long chapter (about 21 pages, according to my Kindle), not a lot happened. Yes, there’s quite a bit of info dumping and plot explaining, but there’s still plenty that could have been cut – Clary wandering around Luke’s apartment, Clary & Jace’s post-teleportation kerfuffle, Simon’s fanboy moment. These things don’t serve much purpose beyond padding out the word count.

For example, despite his little lapse, Simon is back to his senses disliking Jace in a matter of paragraphs. So what was the point of his little nerd-gasm? Is CC just that insistent that everyone must fawn over Jace at least once?

Then there’s the weird inconsistencies, and things that feel like CC made them up on the spot – how does that magic door work, exactly? When do Luke, Pangborn, and Blackwell enter the room?

So, that’s another chapter done. Next one will be out whenever it’s out. Hopefully soon, though.

Counts

Weird Word Choice: 3 (Total 46)
Rapier Twit: 2 (Total 11)
No Shit Sherlock: 7 (Total 15)
Plot Hole: 5 (Total 35)
Random Scene Break: 1 (Total 1)

Comment [17]

Chapter nine begins about ten seconds after the end of the last chapter, so we get to start off with one of these:

Random Scene Break: 1

That’s something I’ve noticed about CC’s writing – she seems to think more in a film/television format, rather than a book format: she skipped over Clary explaining everything to Simon, and then ended the last chapter with Jace’s big end-of-episode reveal. And while it all makes sense from a dramatic perspective, here’s why it’s random – they only spend about ten seconds dwelling on this before they leave.

Yep. We get a paragraph of Clary’s reaction, and then they’re outside discussing where they’re going. Jace explains that they’re going to hop on the subway. Simon expresses disbelief at this. Jace rightly points out that riding the subway is a lot faster than driving, but Simon’s disappointed:

“I thought it’d be something cooler, like a van with ‘Death to Demons’ painted on the outside, or…”

Dammit Simon, what’s wrong with you? Oh, wait, I know what’s wrong – CC sucked away all your awesomeness so you wouldn’t overshadow Jace. And it make you look really stupid in the process.

Short digression here – I’ve haven’t spent a great amount of time in New York, but from my limited experience, I can confirm that New York City is not a car-friendly city. The streets are narrow and crowded, and finding a place to park is difficult at best. Hence why it would make sense for Jace and the other Shadowhunters to use the subway in preference to a car. That’s a good bit of world-building.

But this scene really makes Simon look stupid since, as someone who has presumably lived in New York for most of his life, he should know that driving a car around in the city is a dumb idea.

Back to the scene. For once, Jace isn’t a rude asshole, and doesn’t interrupt Simon. This isn’t because he’s learned some manners, oh no – it’s because he’s probably contemplating gutting Simon like a very annoying fish. The narration (i.e. Clary) doesn’t say so, instead describing him as “scary-calm” in the most purple way possible. Clary then decides to intervene before Jace snaps, but being the protagonist of a YA Paranormal Romance, does so in such a way as to favor her Designated Love Interest (who she just met less than a week ago, remember) over that of her supposed “best friend”.

Simon takes this about as well as expected, but shuts up nonetheless. As they move towards the nearest subway station, Clary describes the lights reflecting off Jace’s hair as looking like a halo, inspiring me to make a new count:

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

This will be for any time that any part of Jace is described in such a way that it’s blatantly obvious that it’s only there for CC and her fans to wank over.

As they head down the street, Clary wonders whether the fact that she’s glad that her mother’s kidnappers also killed Jace’s father is a bad thing, because it means she gets to spend more time with Jace.

Our heroine, ladies and gentlemen. Who cares that her mother’s been kidnapped and is in a coma, so long as she gets to hang out with a hot guy!

That gif is surprisingly appropriate, given the author of this drek.

And then we get another scene break.

Random Scene Break: 2

Yeah. All of that – nine paragraphs, amounting to maybe a page worth of text – could have been part of the previous chapter. The only reason for it not being there is because Jace’s little “revelation” seemed like such a perfectly dramatic thing to end a chapter on.

When we come back from the commercial break, the trio is back at Shadowhunter Regional HQ, and Simon is again astonished. This time it’s at the fact that Jace & co. live in a church. Because apparently neither Clary nor Jace bothered to explain that, yes, Shadowhunter HQ is inside an old, abandoned church. Evidently only things the audience has seen can be explained off-screen. I guess they didn’t talk, like, at all between leaving Luke’s place and getting here.

Jace pulls out a key – which gets a whole flowery sentence to explain that it’s old – and unlocks the door, explaining to Simon that, “We find it useful to inhabit hallowed ground.”

What are you, the fucking Highlander? Why? The demons you fight have no real religious origin, so why would they be bothered by things like hallowed ground? And what qualifies as “hallowed ground” in the first place? Is it like and Ogier stedding)#Steddings from Wheel of Time, where it’s always safe, even if the place itself gets destroyed? Or does it have to be used regularly? Does it just have to be recognized as a sacred place? Explain, please!

Plot Hole: 1

Despite Jace’s “explanation,” Simon is still skeptical. Then we get a bit of good writing, which CC ruins by tacking on a stupid joke:

Clary let her mind relax. She imagined herself taking one of her mother’s turpentine rags and dabbing at the view in front of her, cleaning away the glamour as if it were old paint.
There it was: the true vision, glowing through the false one like light through dark glass. She saw the soaring spires of the cathedral, the dull gleam of the leaded windows, the brass plate fixed to the stone wall beside the door, the Institute’s name etched into it. She held the vision for a moment before letting it go almost with a sigh.
“It’s a glamour, Simon,” she said. “It doesn’t really look like this.”
“If this is your idea of glamour, I’m having second thoughts about letting you make me over.”

Rapier Twit: 1

You had me for a minute there, CC. But then you had to add a bit of “humor.” Did you do that yourself, or did someone tell you to put that there?

Also, I’m tempted to add a Plot Hole here for Simon’s response. You’d think that, given how he was going on and on about D&D last chapter, he’d be aware of the use of “glamour” in relation to magic, i.e. illusions. Also that he may have heard Clary’s second sentence. Maybe he has a hearing problem.

Whatever. Jace opens the door, and gives Simon this whole condescending spiel about how he should feel honored at being allowed inside, what with him being a filthy muggle mundane and all. Thankfully for us, Simon seems to have gotten his grove back, and is having none of Jace’s crap, insulting the place’s smell. Clary tries to excuse his embarrassing behavior (isn’t she such a wonderful friend?), saying that he doesn’t have any kind of mental filter, and says whatever pops into his head. And once again, Simon pulls out another quip:

“Filters are for cigarettes and coffee,” Simon muttered under his breath as they went inside. “Two things I could use right now, incidentally.”

CC, why don’t you just let Simon make all the jokes? I think everyone would be happier that way.

This prompts Clary to think about coffee, leading to her reminiscing about her mom making coffee and Luke bringing breakfast. Interesting how she needs prompting to remember that her mother exists. What a wonderful, loving daughter she is.

They hop on the elevator, and meet the cat, Church, at the top. Jace, knowing that the cat is certainly smarter than he is, asks it where Alec and Hodge are, and all three humans fall in behind the feline. Simon comments that he doesn’t like cats, prompting Jace to say this:

“It’s unlikely,” Jace said, “knowing Church, that he likes you either.”

Rapier Twit: 2

Because that’s just not all that funny, and

Plot Hole: 2

Because so far, this cat hasn’t struck me as particularly unsociable. Church isn’t exactly Greebo, where it’s pretty damn obvious that he’s perfectly willing to claw your face off if you bother him.

They continue down the hall, and Simon asks how many people live there. Clary, donning the tiara of the Exposition Fairy, explains what the Institute is for, because she’s such an expert on the place, what with having spent all of four days there, and three of them unconscious at that. She also doesn’t answer Simon’s question, which aggravates him. And since Clary couldn’t answer such a simple question, I will – right now, there are four people living there, but there’s usually between five and seven. So, no, they don’t need nearly as much space as they have.

Also, for being a “research facility,” there seems to be remarkably little research going on. And no, I don’t think Jace trying to figure out how many things he can kill in a minute qualifies as “research.”

Plot Hole: 3

Clary calms Simon down, asking him to trust her. He says he does, but he doesn’t trust Jace, demonstrating that he at least has a functional brain. But Clary asks him to try, explaining that Jace is her best hope of finding her mother. And it has absolutely nothing to do with her getting all hot n’ bothered just looking at him, no sir. Still, Simon doesn’t like the Institute, because it just feels off.

This prompts Clary to remember how she felt when she woke up there (you know, a few hours ago), and how everything felt, “both alien and familiar at the same time.”

Plot Hole: 4

That’s funny, I got the impression that she was just confused.

Clary says that Simon doesn’t have to stay with her, and we finally get an explanation as to what happened during the trip here – Jace and Clary argued over whether they should bring Simon with them to the Institute, with Clary arguing that he might know something useful, what with Simon hanging out in Luke’s bushes for the past three days. I guess Jace isn’t all that good at the whole “investigation” thing.

But Simon says that, yes, he does have to stay with Clary, for reasons that would be obvious to all but the most oblivious of people. So of course, Clary doesn’t suspect a thing.

But enough of that – we have stupid padding and bad comedy to get to!

They come into the kitchen, where Isabelle is busy making home-made soup. The ingredients for said soup include: tomatoes, garlic, onions, cheese, olives, peanuts, and an entire fish. No, I have no idea what kind of soup requires those particular ingredients, nor do I want to.

Isabelle turns around and is flabbergasted that Jace brought “another mundie” into the Institute, and I can’t help but see the potentially racist undertones of that word. Why am I supposed to like these people again?

Simon tries to stand up for his basic human rights, but gets ignored because he’s a “mundie”. Isabelle gets similar treatment from Jace, who’s mad at the cat. And Church, much to my amusement, could not give less of a shit about Jace’s opinion.

You know, that cat’s starting to grow on me. I mean, he’s not Mister, but he isn’t half bad.

Isabelle’s still pissed about Jace bringing Simon, but Jace deflects this by mentioning seeing the two red cloaks in Luke’s place.

Clary, meanwhile, is wondering about the soup. Can’t say I blame her. She’s brought out of this by noticing that Simon is ogling Isabelle like a character in a Hannah-Barbara cartoon. This causes her to shift into catty-bitch mode, and she contemplates dumping the aforementioned soup on Isabelle.

Clary, what the hell is wrong with you? There’s two problems with your response here:

First, you are not Simon’s girlfriend. He very clearly would like you to be, but until you’re actually in a non-platonic relationship with him, you have no right to get upset at him looking at another girl. It’s the same as with the blonde at the coffee shop – just because you aren’t interested in Simon doesn’t mean no one else should be, or that he should be forced to remain celibate.

Second, why are you so antagonistic towards Isabelle? You’ve only known her for a day, but you’ve already decided that she’s your rival or something. Is it because she snagged Blue-hair away back in chapter one? Because I believe we quickly established that he was actually pretty dangerous, and would probably have shanked you in the alley while you were clumsily trying to make-out. So really, she did you a favor.

Back in the world of semi-plot related stuff, Jace and Isabelle have moved from Simon’s presence to the aforementioned bad comedy. Jace complains that Church is getting fat when Isabelle feeds the cat a bit of fish, which leads to Isabelle complaining that no one else eats her cooking, to which Jace makes a quip about Isabelle being a bad cook, she gets pissed, and Jace makes a half-hearted attempt to cover his ass.

Rapier Twit: 4

Double count for Jace’s comment about Isabelle’s cooking and the response to said comment.

This is the sort of thing I expect to see on a stupid sit-com. Here it feels awkward and forced.

Don’t get me wrong, juxtaposing the extraordinary with the mundane can be kinda funny. For example, in one episode of the Justice League animated series, Flash and another member of the Green Lantern Corps are poking around the apartment of John Stewart, Earth’s Green Lantern. While there, it’s revealed that Stewart’s favorite movie is Old Yeller. There’s nothing inherently funny about this; the humor comes from the context.

In this situation, there is no context. Why is it funny that Isabelle is a bad cook? Because she’s a girl? What?

Back to the “comedy.” Jace goes to the fridge to get something to eat. Clary’s pissed, probably because she’s no longer the center of attention, and goes after him. Then, because evidently the cooking bit wasn’t enough, we get to see the inside of the fridge:

The inside of the fridge was filled with milk cartons whose expiration dates reached back several weeks, and plastic Tupperware containers labeled with masking tape lettered in red ink: HODGE’S. DO NOT EAT.
“Wow, he’s like a crazy roommate,” Clary observed.

Rapier Twit: 5

Why? Just… why? Why should I view this as weird? Why should I find this funny? Why did CC decide to include this scene? Why does she continue to put the plot on hold for stupid comedy? Why?!

…

[deep breath]

…

Okay, moving on. More food talk, and Clary of all people reminds us that, hey, weren’t we going to meet with the Generic Mentor Figure? Jace practically has to be dragged from the room because he’s just that lazy.

Meanwhile, Simon has actually been hitting it off with Isabelle, unintended racial remarks aside. Wow. It’s amazing what he can accomplish when Clary isn’t “helping” him. But, being a good friend, when he sees Clary leaving, he asks where she’s going. Isabelle asks if Jace is going to tell Hodge about the red cloaks, but he’s ambivalent. But before the plot train can get moving again, we get one last serving of what CC thinks is comedy:

[Isabelle] shrugged. “All right. Are you going to come back? Do you want any soup?”
“No,” said Jace.
“Do you think Hodge will want any soup?”
“No on wants any soup.”
“I want some soup,” Simon said.
“No, you don’t,” said Jace. “You just want to sleep with Isabelle.”
Simon was appalled. “That is not true.”
“How flattering,” Isabelle murmured into the soup, but she was smirking.
“Oh, yes it is,” said Jace. “Go ahead and ask her – then she can turn you down and the rest of us can get on with our lives while you fester in miserable humiliation.” He snapped his fingers. “Hurry up, mundie boy, we’ve got work to do.”

I’m not going to give that a count, because that rapidly shifted from Bad Comedy to Bad Drama. And it’s scenes like this, where Jace is just such an overwhelming asshole that really make me wonder how anyone can be attracted to him. Yes, he’s hot, but after talking to him for five minutes, I guarantee you’ll want to break his nose.

And so what if Simon’s interested in Isabelle? That has nothing to do with you, much like it has nothing to do with Clary. You know who it does concern? Simon and Isabelle. Who knows? Maybe Isabelle’s interested in Simon – so far, he’s been more of a gentleman than you, Jace, no matter how much more physically attractive you are. At least he’s willing to put some effort into the relationship first; you apparently expect any girl to get on her knees and start blowing you when you snap your fingers.

I’ve said it before, and I’m sure I’ll say it again: Fuck you, Jace.

And either the sheer obviousness of Jace acting like an asshole was just so damn obvious that even Clary, the densest girl this side of Bella Swan couldn’t ignore it, or someone pointed out to CC that Jace was being an exceptionally insensitive jerk.

Well, either that or CC planed for this to happen, but what are the chances of that?

So, Clary snaps at Jace, who snaps right back before storming out. Clary, of course, goes after him, while Simon wisely goes “Fuck this” and decides to stay in the kitchen, soothing his possibly injured ego with crappy soup and good company.

Clary catches up with Jace, and we get the following exchange:

Clary frowned at him. “Why are you always such an asshat?”
“An asshat?” Jace looked as if he were about to laugh.
“What you said to Simon-”
“I was trying to save him some pain. Isabelle will cut out his heart and walk all over it in high-heeled boots. That’s what she does to boys like that.”

And I’m sure the fans will point to this as proof that Jace isn’t such a bad guy – see, he’s not a jerk, he’s trying to save Simon from getting his feelings hurt! That doesn’t make his behavior any better though, because he was still being a jackass. Good intentions aren’t enough to negate bad behavior. It’s really not helped by the fact that he never apologizes for his behavior – in fact, Clary apologizes to him. Look:

“Jace”
He looked at her. “What?”
“I’m sorry. For snapping at you.”
He chuckled. “Which time?”
“You snapped at me, too, you know.”
“I know,” he said, surprising her. “There’s something about you that’s so-”
“Irritating?”
“Unsettling.”

Yes, they’re obviously meant for each other. And notice that Jace still hasn’t apologized for his behavior. Which, as I’m sure I’ve already mentioned, is one of the markers for psychopathy. Why is it that so many Designated Love Interests have a lot of those traits?

They talk some more, because apparently CC still hasn’t padded this chapter out enough, discussing Isabelle’s cooking skills, or rather lack thereof. As it turns out, Isabelle’s mother, Maryse, is actually a great cook. The reason she didn’t teach her daughter to cook is because she was part of the first generation of women able to fully participate as a Shadowhunter, namely actually hunting demons and such. Seems that until relatively recently, they were largely relegated to doing all the support work. Isabelle’s mom didn’t teach her how to cook because she was afraid Isabelle would be told to “stay in the kitchen”

That explains so much – socially, the Shadowhunters were an incredibly conservative bunch until about 30-40 years ago. No wonder the word “mundane” feels like an ethnic slur.

This still doesn’t explain why Isabelle apparently does the cooking while her mother’s away, though. I mean, what, are Jace, Alec, and Hodge too ‘manly’ to learn to cook?

So, after twelve pages (according to my Kindle, anyway), Clary and Jace finally find Hodge – turns out he was hanging out in the greenhouse. When they enter, we get a good, if somewhat purple description of how the place smells:

Clary exhaled. “It smells like…” Springtime, she thought, before the heat comes and crushes the leaves into pulp and withers the petals off the flowers.

It’s bits like this that convince me that, despite my misgivings, CC is a decent writer. If she weren’t so enamored with her characters, she might be a good one. Well, one can dream…

So, Hodge is chillin’ in the greenhouse, and Jace tells him about all that’s happened since they left back in chapter six. And unlike with Simon, we don’t get a scene break. Go figure.

We get back to the dialogue when Jace tells Hodge about the red cloaks at Luke’s place (including Luke’s real name, Lucian Greymark, which I got wrong last time). When Hodge hears their names, he goes all dramatic:

“It is as I feared,” he said, half to himself. “The Circle is rising again.”

PAHAHAHA!! Oh my gods, are you kidding me? I can’t wait to see that in the movie – there’s no way anyone’s going to be able to take that line seriously.

Also, I’m going to give it one of these:

Weird Word Choice: 1

Because honestly, what kind of person names their evil organization “the Circle”? Even semi-benign organizations have names that mean something – for example, the real name of the Serbian nationalist group commonly called The Black Hand) was “Unification or Death,” and the term “Bolshevik”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bolshevik comes from the Russian word for “majority.” Heck, if you wanted to use “the Circle,” could you at least give me a little more? Like, say, the Circle of the Black Thorn from the last season of Angel – at least that sounds nasty. But just “the Circle”? What, are they really into geometry or something?

Clary is just as confused as I am, but for different reasons, so Hodge decides to explain stuff.

We get another scene break, and we’re in the exposition pit library. While I appreciate skipping the walk, I have to wonder why Hodge had to wait until they got to the library. What, does he need to sit in his Comfy Chair? So, yeah, I’m counting it.

Random Scene Break: 3

Hodge pulls out an old book and reads the following from it:

“I hereby render unconditional obedience to the Circle and its principles… I will be ready to risk my life at any time for the Circle, in order to insure the purity of the bloodlines of Idris, and for the mortal world with whose safety we are charged.”

According to Hodge, this is the oath of loyalty to the Circle of Raziel. Clary’s unnerved by it, saying they sound a bit fascist. Which, as it turns out, they are:

“They were a group,” [Hodge] said slowly, “of Shadowhunters, led by Valentine, dedicated to wiping out all Downworlders and returning the world to a ‘purer’ state. Their plan was to wait for the Downworlders to arrive at Idris to sign the Accords […] They planned to slaughter them all, unarmed and defenseless. This terrible act, they thought, would spark off a war between humans and Downworlders – one they intended to win.”

So yeah, the bad guys are essentially Nazis. Or at least, they’re supposed to come across that way. Honestly, they just sound more pro-active than the rest of the Shadowhunters – going after the monsters instead of waiting for them to break the rules. If nothing else, they seem to want to actively protect non-Shadowhunters, rather than just sneering at them. I mean, we can argue about this going into Van Helsing Hate Crimes territory, but at least they’d be doing their job – you know, protecting the non-magical people?

Since this situation doesn’t involve killing anything, Jace’s brain can actually focus on what’s going on, and he asks the obvious question – why, exactly, does Hodge have a copy of a loyalty oath to a quasi-fascist organization?

The answer? Hodge helped write it!

But Hodge manages to top that revelation, because he says that Clary’s mom was too. Clary protests this, but Hodge has an iron-clad reason for this – Clary’s mom was Valentine’s wife!

(There certainly have been a lot of Dramatic Reveals with the past two chapters, haven’t there?)

And that ends the chapter, along with Part 1.

Honestly, this chapter is at least 70% padding. It’s sixteen Kindle pages long, and only the very beginning and the very end do anything to progress the plot, and the first bit could have been tacked-on to the end of the previous chapter. That whole scene with Isabelle in the kitchen served only three purposes – pad out the word count, provide an excuse to get rid of Simon, and let CC force in some more “comedy.”

I’m not sure who to blame for this – CC, or her editor. On the one hand, the editor might not have said anything. On the other, CC might have chosen to ignore that bit of advice. Either way, it was a mistake.

And I think we can clearly state that CC is not one of those authors who should use chapter titles – while we did get mention of “the Circle,” there was no mention of any “Brotherhood.” It’s probably a remnant of an earlier draft that just didn’t get fixed.

But that’s it for the first part of City of Bones. It’s taken a while to get here, but with any luck I’ll be able to keep up a decent pace with getting these sporkings out. I’d like to be done by the end of the year, at the very latest.

Counts

Weird Word Choice: 1 (Total 47)
Rapier Twit: 5 (Total 16)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 (Total 15)
Plot Hole: 4 (Total 39)
Random Scene Break: 3 (Total 4)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 1 (Total 1)

Comment [21]

A quick word of warning – this one’s a bit long, for reasons that will become self-evident. There’s also some pretty offensive stuff in here, so you’ve been warned.

Anyway, we’ve finished Part One and move into Part Two: Easy Is the Descent. And yes, that’s how it’s capitalized in my copy. No, I don’t know why the word ‘is’ is capitalized.

Like Part One, Part Two begins with a quote, this time from Vergil’s Aeneid, specifically lines 126-129. And for extra pretentiousness, CC chooses to present it in the original Latin, foregoing translation.

Facilis descensus Averni:
Noctes atque dies patet atri ianua Ditis;
Sed revocare gradium superasque evadere ad auras.
Hoc opus, hic labor est.

Now, for those of you who don’t speak Latin, I found a few translations of this particular bit. The 17th century poet John Dryden rendered it as:

The gates of hell are open night and day;
Smooth the descent, and easy is the way:
But to return, and view the cheerful skies,
In this the task and mighty labor lies.

In contrast, the 19th century scholar John Conington translated it as:

The journey down to the abyss
Is prosperous and light:
The palace gates of gloomy Dis
Stand open day and night:
But upward to retrace the way
And pass into the light of day
There comes the stress of labour.

But of course, a more literal translation would be this:

It is easy to go down into Hell;
Night and day, the gates of dark Death stand wide;
But to climb back again, to retrace one’s steps to the upper air —
There’s the rub, the task.

Personally, I prefer the Dryden. While it might lose something in “Christianizing” the work, I think it’s truer to the nature of the piece.

Now, as to the meaning, that should be simple enough – going to hell/the underworld is easy, it’s the getting out that’s the hard part. And while I haven’t read The Aeneid, I have read bits of The Odyssey, which it’s loosely based on, and have a decent knowledge of Greco-Roman mythology, so I think I can puzzle out the intent here.

Okay, so at one point during his travels, Odysseus had to go into the underworld to consult the dead prophet Tiresias. So obviously one of the big reasons to descend to the underworld (metaphorical or otherwise) would be to gain special knowledge – the other being to find/rescue someone, as in the myth of Orpheus and Eurydice, but since neither Jace nor Clary are likely to die soon (much to my dismay), we’ll ignore this.

So, based on that deduction, I think it’s safe to assume that, at some point in the near future, the characters will “descend” into some kind of metaphorical underworld in search of knowledge. And, having read the book once already, I know this to be true. As to the “hard to get back out” bit… well, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.

And, of course, there’s a heavy dose of author pretentiousness in there as well.

But that’s enough pontificating, we have a sporking to get to!

The chapter proper begins, much like the last one, about two seconds after the end of the previous. I’m not going to give that a Random Scene Break because, I’ll admit, that’s a good beat to end a chapter on. I will, however, say that picking up right after was a questionable decision – personally, I would have started with Clary laying in bed or something, thinking about everything she’s learned, and then flashed back to this. But whatever.

Anyway, Jace is just shocked – shocked! – to find out that Valentine was married at one point. Yes, and so was Darth Vader, Hitler had a girlfriend, and it wouldn’t surprise me to learn that Voldemort had regular sex with Bellatrix Lestrange, possibly involving his pet snake because they’re both kinky like that.

(Enjoy that mental image.)

But more important is Clary’s simultaneous reaction. She insists, quite vociferously, that her mother couldn’t have been married to someone like Valentine, and that she’s only ever been married to Clary’s father.

Hodge tries to calm them both down, referring to them as “Children,” and Clary explodes:

“I’m not a child.” Clary spun away from the desk. “And I don’t want to hear any more.”

Okay, Clary: first, you’re what? Fifteen? Sixteen? Whatever, you’re still a minor. Second, Hodge is obviously quite a bit older than you. Third, you’re acting like a child, so expect to be treated like one.

But finally, she accepts the truth, if reluctantly.

She was no longer sure how well she knew Jocelyn. Her mother had become a stranger, a liar, a hider of secrets.

No Shit Sherlock: 1

Thank you for joining the rest of the class, Clary. We all figured this out back in chapter 8.

Hodge gives some more background about what happened with the Circle – once things started to get extreme, a lot of the members left, including Jocelyn, Luke, and Jace’s father, Michael Wayland. But, as with similar organizations, this left only the more radical members, including the two red cloaks, the Lightwoods (Isabelle and Alec’s parents), and Hodge himself.

Oh, but they only stayed because they were “afraid” of the potential repercussions from Valentine, and turned State’s Evidence after getting caught, in exchange for “clemency,”: Hodge is cursed so can’t leave the Institute, and the Lightwoods have been “banished,” and can only return home on official business.

Yeah, I think this definitively shows that the Shadowhunter government is run by a bunch of morons. These people, willingly or not, were part of a radical group that attempted to assassinate foreign dignitaries in an effort to start a war. Now, the fans might point to other examples, say the Harry Potter books – Snape, Igor Karkaroff, and Lucius Malfoy all got off pretty easy after Vodemort’s initial rise to power. Here’s how those comparisons fail – Snape had already become a double-agent, Malfoy didn’t get caught, and Karkaroff was arguably a foreign national (the Ministry of Magic being the government of Britain’s Wizarding community) and also turned State’s Evidence once captured.

But these are not the people you let off so easily. Hodge’s imprisonment? That’s the minimum of what I would expect for this kind of thing. And why did the Lightwoods get off so easy? Because they were married and had a kid. Because apparently the Shadowhunters don’t have any equivalent of Social Services or something.

CC doesn’t seem to grasp how banishment is supposed to be a punishment, and why it’s hard to use as a punishment nowadays. In the middle ages, that kind of thing was serious – people didn’t travel much, and it was likely that you’d die within a few miles of where you were born. Being banished effectively meant being kicked out of your whole world. And when the Russian tsars or Stalin exiled people to Siberia, well, that worked because Siberia was mostly a big empty wilderness separated from the more populated areas of Russia by mountains. Plus, the Lightwoods still get to go back – that’s where they are now!

Anyway, Clary asks why Hodge didn’t tell her about her mom, and he gives some really stupid reasons, the stupidest being that she changed her name to Fray, when it used to be Fairchild (also, the prevalence of English-style surnames for people in a Franco-German area is really starting to piss me off). Yes, never mind that she kept her first name, Clary looks just like her, and she’s one of what’s probably a very small number of people Hodge probably knows of with damned good reasons to disappear – her last name’s different, so they probably aren’t the same person!

FYI, the other reasons are that Hodge was skeptical were that Clary was so insistent that she didn’t know anything about their world (because she couldn’t possibly be lying), and that he was basically acting like Minister Fudge in Order of the Phoenix.

And then we get an explanation about why Valentine would want the MacGuffin Cup – so he can build his own army of Shadowhunters!

No Shit Sherlock: 2

Jace starts to say something about how that wouldn’t work, but apparently CC decided she needed to maintain the “tension,” so she has Isabelle pop in for more “comedy.” She proudly proclaims that dinner is ready, and Jace and Hodge try to weasel their way out of it before Isabelle explains that she tossed the soup and ordered Chinese. They guys immediately change their attitudes, and Isabelle proclaims that they’re both “terrible liars.”

No, honey, they’re just acting like characters in a sit-com.

But Clary hangs back and asks if it’s true. Isabelle then gives us this bit of very forced and blatantly wrong characterization:

“He’s not a liar at all. Not about important things. He’ll tell you horrible truths, but he won’t lie.”

Sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Izzy – Jace isn’t brutally honest, he’s just a dick. There’s a critical difference there: a brutally honest person will tell you the truth, even if it hurts you; a dick will tell you the truth because it hurts you. The former will probably fell sorry about their actions, but the latter won’t. And, as we’ve already established, Jace is never sorry about anything. The former tells you the horrible the truth because they think you need/deserve to be told the truth; the latter tells you the horrible truth because your suffering amuses them. The former is altruistic, the latter malicious.

Quick scene break and we’re in the kitchen, and we get even more stupid “comedy.” Evidently Isabelle’s brains have leaked out her ears, because she’s talking about how Valentine kidnapping Clary’s mom is “romantic,” because there’s the possibility that he just wants to get back together with his ex-wife. Alec is back in rational-mode, because he reminds his sister that he did send a nasty demon to the Fray’s apartment, an action even Jace knows doesn’t belong at the top of his list of “things to do to make-up with an ex.”

“It wouldn’t be my move,” Jace agreed. “First the candy and flowers, then the apology letters, then the ravenous demon hordes. In that order.”

Rapier Twit: 1

But Isabelle still isn’t convinced, so Hodge reminds us that Valentine is basically the Shadowhunter version of Hitler and Charles Manson rolled into one. Isabelle’s counter? Evil is Sexy. Isn’t it just wonderful how seriously our heroes are taking this guy’s return? CC, how am I supposed to take this guy seriously when even your own characters don’t?

Luckily, Simon swoops in to rescue us from the banality of this conversation. Unfortunately he does so by essentially asking them to lay out Valentine’s whole plan, allowing CC to further inflate her word count without actually having to do anything.

So here’s Valentine’s plan: he wants the MacGuffin Cup so he can make his own army of Shadowhunters. Unfortunately, the best subjects to use the Cup on are children – adults are either unaffected or die. But I guess that whatever Isabelle caught spread to Simon, because he doesn’t see Valentine creating a child army as such a big deal.

Now, I’ll admit that using children as soldiers isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever heard of, if only because things like genocide and nuclear/biological terrorism exist. Still, I’d definitely put it in the top five of the Worst Things People Do list.

But CC isn’t content with making Valentine Evil™. No, she has to make him EVIL. Hodge further explains that, of the kids the Cup would be used on, only about one out of every five would survive, and Valentine wouldn’t bother doing any tests to see if they’d survive beforehand. And this was his master plan all along.

So not only is Valentine Hitler and Charles Manson, he’s also Josef Mengele. But I guess when your heroes are a bunch of racist pricks, you have to make your villain Super-Extra-Mega Evil.

And then Isabelle’s forced derpiness rears it’s ugly head again:

“But that’s murder,” Isabelle said, looking a little green. “He was talking about killing children.”

No Shit Sherlock: 3

Really? I hadn’t noticed, what with the talk of forcing them through an ordeal that would leave four out of every five of them dead, and then forcing the remainder to act as his personal army. Guess he’s not so sexy now, is he?

And, oh, there’s more – according to Hodge, Valentine’s justification for this was that, since the Shadowhunters had been protecting humanity for a millennium, this would be our way of returning the favor. And that just disgusts Jace:

“That goes against everything we’re supposed to be about. Protecting the helpless, safeguarding humanity—”

But not respecting them, oh no. Mundane humanity is somewhere between children and cattle.

Hodge explains that Valentine was, you know, crazy, even being willing to sacrifice his own son if it meant achieving his goals. The son that he totally doesn’t have, btw. Nope. Not at all.

And the Shadowhunter CSIs are either lazy or just suck at their jobs, because everyone just assumed that Valentine died and the Cup was destroyed when his place burned down after his would-be Helter Skelter. But Clary and Hodge point out that both her mom and Valentine seem to have survived, so it’s probably safe to assume that the Cup did as well. Needless to say (meaning it’s directly stated), the brass isn’t gonna be happy about this.

No Shit Sherlock: 5

Thanks for clearing that up, guys. I would never have guessed.

So Jace is ready and raring to go, but Hodge shoots him down, explaining that the smart thing to do would be to let the proper authorities handle this. Jace, of course, disagrees.

“Then what do we do?”
“Nothing,” said Hodge. “All this is best left to skilled, experienced Shadowhunters.”
“I am skilled,” protested Jace. “I am experienced.”

Yes, you know how to kill things (and enjoy it a bit more than you should), but you lack anything resembling restraint or finesse. Both of which might be useful when going up against people who tried to start a war.

Hodge points out that, despite his “mad skillz, yo,” Jace is still pretty much a kid. Jace takes this about as well as Clary did last chapter, and CC throws in a loving description of his eyelashes for good measure.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

His eyelashes for fuck’s sake.

But Alec is still in rational-mode and Isabelle has gotten over her bout of derpiness, and they agree with Hodge. Jace is still pissed, though, because he’s a Loose-Cannon Cop Shadowhunter, so he wants to go charging in, guns blazing, probably getting a bunch of people killed in the process, likely including Clary’s mom. But even he knows when he’s out-voted, and stands down when Hodge says he’ll send a message to the authorities.

Jace subsided, but his eyes were still glittering. “I don’t like it.”
“You don’t have to like it,” said Alec. “You just have to shut up and not do anything stupid.”

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Clearly you don’t know Jace all that well.

Now, I’m conflicted about this. On the one hand, it’s nice to see these characters being reasonable, and I’m always up for someone dishing it out at Jace. But on the other hand, he and Alec are supposed to be lovers “closer than brothers,” so having Alec be the one snapping at Jace kinda kills that feeling. Don’t get me wrong, I have two brothers myself, and we’ve occasionally taken pot-shots at each other, but that’s not what this feels like – it feels like Alec is really pissed at Jace.

For once, Clary actually acts like a good daughter and shows concern about her mother’s safety, what with being held captive by a guy like Valentine, and the whole “being in a coma” thing will only protect her for so long. Clary point out that, hey, these Shadowhunter guys are supposed to be protecting people, so where are they and why aren’t they out looking for her mom?

Alec rightly points out that doing that would be a lot easier if they had any idea of where Clary’s mom is being held, and then this happens:

“But we do,” said Jace.
“You do?” Clary looked at him, startled and eager. “Where?”
“Here.” Jace leaned forward and touched his fingers to the side of her temple, so gently that a flush crept up her face. “Everything we need to know is locked up in your head, under those pretty red curls.”

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

Do I even need to explain that?

So yeah, their new plan is to finally fix whatever is wrong with Clary’s brain in the hopes that she might know something useful. Considering how helpful she’s been so far, i.e. none at all, this might lead one to wonder how useful they expect anything she tells them to be. But since Clary’s the protagonist and an obvious author-insert to boot, I think we can all guess how this will turn out.

Jace plans on taking Clary to the Silent Brothers, a group that’s been mentioned before, but I haven’t felt the need to bring up – they’re the librarians and archivists for the Shadowhunters. Isabelle asks why Jace is suggesting this, since he hates the Silent Brothers. Jace defends himself, saying that he’s just afraid of them. Yes, but as Yoda would tell you, the one eventually leads to the other, by way of anger. And either way it gives me a reason to like them.

And then Simon makes a halfhearted joke about late fees, which is thankfully ignored.

Rapier Twit: 2

Hodge explains that the Silent Brothers use some crazy-powerful and dangerous runes to do their work (no, I don’t know why), and in doing so their bodies become messed up. This causes Clary to flash back to that conversation she overheard between Alec and Isabelle back in chapter four about people mutilating themselves. But said runes also give the Brothers some pretty awesome mental powers, including mind reading. So they’re basically psychics.

But Simon is still suffering from the derpiness he caught from Isabelle, because he’s not impressed by people having crazy mind-powers. Clearly he’s never heard of the Scanners franchise.

And surprise, surprise, Jace snaps at him:

“Then you’re a bigger idiot than you look,” said Jace, regarding him with scorn.

See, this is just like what he did with Simon being interested in Isabelle – while his intentions might be good, the way he’s going about it that’s the problem. He’s correcting Simon’s misconception, but he’s being a jerk about it. And no, unlike last time, no one calls Jace on his behavior.

Isabelle, meanwhile, completely ignores Simon, but agrees with Jace about the Silent Brothers being creepy.

Hodge also decides to toss in his two cents, talking about how the Silent Brothers can break a man’s mind and leave him a quivering, screaming mess if they feel like it.

Clary is taking all this about as well as a normal person would – she’s fucking terrified. But Jace is all reassuring, saying that she deserves to know whatever secrets happen to be hidden I her head, which does make sense. Still, Clary’s hesitant about letting some someone poking around insider her head. Oh, but Jace says that he’ll be with her the whole time, so that’ll make it all okay.

But Simon’s just as sick of this crap as I am and tells Jace to back the fuck off (not in those words, unfortunately). But since he’s dared to talk back to a Pureblood Shadowhunter, that causes Alec to shift from rational-mode to bitch-mode, and he asks just why the hell Simon is still hanging around, which leads into an exchange so full of Unfortunate Implications that I feel you guys just have to see it:

“What are you still doing here, mundane?”
Simon ignored him. “I said, leave her alone.”
Jace glance over at him, a slow, sweetly poisonous glance. “Alec is right,” he said. “The Institute is sworn to shelter Shadowhunters, not their mundane friends. Especially when they’ve worn out their welcome.”

…

Okay, first, counts.

Weird Word Choice: 1

What the hell does “sweetly poisonous” even mean? And while we’re at it,

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4

Because that’s a pretty damn purple way to describe a nasty look.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s take a closer look at what just happened. Two of our so-called heroes just told someone – a guest, no less – that he’s not welcome anymore. And what’s Simon done to deserve this treatment? Well, he’s shown an interest in Isabelle, questioned how bad the Silent Brothers are, and stood up for his friend who’s being pressured into doing something she clearly doesn’t want to do. How is any of this deserving of being threatened?

But I have an explanation for why Jace acts like this – he’s so used to people dropping down and sucking his cock (literally and figuratively) that he takes any questioning of him as a challenge to his position as top douchebag alpha-male. He’s not a hero, he’s a petulant little child.

That kind of dialogue usually leads into the bullied party (in this case, Simon) opening up a huge can of whop-ass on the ignorant, racist pricks (namely, Alec and Jace)? And yet, said pricks are supposed to be the heroes. We’re supposed to like Jace. Did no one point this out to CC before it went to the presses?

ARRGH.

And I don’t believe that CC mean for Jace and Alec to come across as incredibly racist. I don’t think she meant them to come across as racist at all. But unfortunately, that’s how it looks. So take this as a warning, aspiring writers – be careful with your writing, because how you intend something to be taken and how the readers actually see it might not line-up.

So Isabelle of all people swoops in to save the day, offering to escort Simon from the premises. In my head-canon, she apologizes profusely for the utterly deplorable behavior of Jace and her brother, and maybe lets him get to second base to make it up to him.

But Clary, utterly exhausted for whatever reason decides she’s going to go to bed, completely disregarding Jace’s objections that she’s barely eaten anything. And this would be the perfect time to explore how conflicted Clary feels: she’s caught in a tough situation – she could stand up for her friend, but Jace and the other Shadowhunters are her best option to get her mother back, and she really doesn’t have anywhere else to go.

Instead, she see’s Simon and Isabelle down the hall, which completely distracts her and completely killing any sympathy I might have for her:

She watched them go silently, a shivery odd feeling growing in the pit of her stomach. When had Simon become Isabelle’s responsibility, instead of hers? If there was one thing she was learning from all this, it was how easy it was to lose everything you had always thought you’d have forever.

Gee, Clary, maybe Simon became Isabelle’s responsibility when she became the only one who treated him as an equal, instead of an inferior. Because as I demonstrated above, Jace and Alec basically turned into a pair of stereotypical Good Ol’ Boys back there, and seemed pretty eager to beat Simon to within an inch of his life. And let’s not forget, they’re trained killers, while Simon’s just a regular kid.

Scene break to Clary dreaming. And like all dreams in YA Paranormal Romance/Urban Fantasy, it’s a Symbolic Dream – she’s in some strange place, and Simon’s there, and he’s dressed all in black. They start dancing, but then Clary looks away, and suddenly Simon’s gone. But Jace is there now, and he’s dressed all in white, and he says they’re in the Shadowhunter capital, which is oh-so-poetically called the Glass City. Clary asks what happened to Simon, but all Jace will say is that, “This is a place for the living.”

You know, just once I’d like to read a fantasy book where the dreams aren’t prophetic. Yes, they can be done well, but so often the meaning is just so damn obvious.

Like with most stupid dream-sequences, this one ends with the dreamer incorporating whatever the person waking them is saying into their dream and then snapping awake. In this case, the wake-er is Jace, and it seems that Clary’s subconscious is a lot more perceptive than her consciousness, because apparently she tried to slap him in her sleep.

Now, if Clary were a normal person, she’d ask just what the hell Jace is doing in her room. But Cary’s not, so she doesn’t. In fact, she doesn’t know where she is – Jace found her passed out in one of the hallways and put her in one of the far-too-numerous guest rooms.

Oh, and it’s five in the morning, for some stupid reason.

Clary asks why the hell Jace is waking her up.

“One of the Silent Brothers is here to see you. Hodge sent me to wake you up. Actually, he offered to wake you himself, but since it’s five a.m., I figured you’d be less cranky if you had something nice to look at.”
“Meaning you?”
“What else?”

God, Jace is a prick. Hey, you know what would be even better at five in the morning? Coffee. Why not come bearing a fresh cup? Or are you just too manly to learn how to operate a coffee maker?

We go over more of the same crap from the dinner scene – Clary’s not sure about this, Jace is confident that she secretly knows something important, rinse and repeat. I’m really getting sick of this and how totally forced this plot point is. There is absolutely no reason for Jace to think Clary might be able to recall anything useful. CC accidentally wrote herself into a corner, so like any number of poor writers, she pulled something out of her ass to fix it.

Clary cleans herself up and changes, blah blah, they meet Hodge and the Silent Brother, Brother Jeremiah. And we get this little exchange between Hodge and Jace:

“I decided you were right, Jace,” said Hodge.
“I was right,” Jace said. “I usually am.”

…

Excuse me for a second.

Oh, yeah. That’s the stuff.

You know, I don’t support child abuse, but I do think that there are some rare occasions when a kid just needs to get slapped. Jace is one of those kids who should have been slapped as a child. Repeadedly.

More pointless talking to fill out CC’s word count. The Silent Brothers are telepathic, so that’s a thing; Shadowhunter DNA is dominant, raising questions about why they’re so damned finicky about mixing with non-Shadowhunters (and making me wonder if CC knows how DNA works); Jace questions how good the Silent Brothers can be as record keepers, since they didn’t know Jocelyn was still alive (because he doesn’t understand how record keeping works); and Clary points out that the Shadowhunter CSIs suck at their job:

“It seems to me,” Clary said with an edge to her voice, “that no one the Clave thinks is dead, is ever actually dead. Maybe they should invest in dental records.”
“My father’s dead,” Jace said, the same edge in his voice. “I don’t need dental records to tell me that.”

Wow. That’s a lot of fish.

For those of you who don’t frequent the Das Sporking LJcommunity, this is what they call a “dead herring.” It’s like a red herring, only it’s so blatantly obvious that it completely fails. Like in Eclipse, when everyone is soo certain that Victoria was behind that army of newborn vampires in Seattle, and they repeated it at every possible opportunity? And how that made it such a huge surprise when it was revealed that – shock and horror – Victoria was behind the newborn army?!

Yeah, same here. And yes, this does tie into Hodge’s comment about Valentine’s hypothetical son.

But that’s not important right now. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.

Brother Jeremiah gets ready to dive into the vast, echoing depths of Clary’s mind, and only now does Jace ask if they’re going to make her go through with this if she disagrees. Gee, she’s only said multiple times that she’s not comfortable with this, and Jace was the one pushing her into doing this. Oh, but now Clay’s changed her mind – she wants to go through with this.

Plot Hole: 2

One each for Clary and Jace switching sides. Character consistency? What’s that?

Brother Jeremiah grabs Clary’s face and she starts seeing flashes of stuff.

And then Jace butts in and tells Jeremiah to stop because – dear God in Heaven – Clary’s clenching her fists in pain! Not enough to do any serious damage, mind – just enough to leave little red marks. But god forbid Clary have to suffer some relatively minor pain. And again, this whole thing was Jace’s idea, so if anything, he’s the one to blame for this. Why is he now being all defensive of Clary? I think we can all guess – he wants to look good for Clary, because he really wants to get in her pants.

So, what did we manage to learn by having Brother Jerry looking around in Clary’s head? Turns out she’s got a magical block in her mind. Wait, didn’t we already establish that? Whatever.

Clary wants to know who might have put it there, and Hodge and Jace go all cryptic on her, and we get another repeat of the discussion from about a page ago:

“Hodge, she shouldn’t have to go if she doesn’t-”
“It’s all right.” Clary took a deep breath. Her palms hurt where her nails had cut them, and she wanted desperately to lie down somewhere dark and rest. “I’ll go. I want to know the truth. I want to know what’s in my head.”
Jace nodded once. “Fine. I’ll go with you.”

Because he’s now her designated bodyguard or some shit.

Another scene break and they’re outside, wondering where Jerry went off to. And it’s hot for some reason, namely so that CC can describe how Jace “[looks] cool despite the heat.”

Both Hands, Ma’am: 5

You know, not sweating is actually a bad thing – it means you don’t have anything left to sweat.

Clary says that she wishes Hodge were coming along, which offends Jace because he thinks she’s questioning his Manliness. But Clary goes sycophantic and says that, no, it’s for totally different reasons, which leads into more of CC’s oh-so-terrible “comedy,” along with a hefty dose of Jace being a complete asshole. As if there aren’t enough reasons to hate him in this chapter alone.

“It’s not protection I need right now – it’s someone who can help me think.” Suddenly reminded, she clapped a hand over her mouth. “Oh – Simon!”
“No, I’m Jace,” Jace said patiently. “Simon’s the weaselly little one with the bad haircut and the dismal fashion sense.”
“Oh, shut up,” she replied, but it was more automatic than heartfelt. “I meant t call before I went to sleep. See if he got home okay.”
Shaking his head, Jace regarded the heavens as if they were about to open up and reveal the secrets of the universe. “With everything that’s going on, you’re worried about Weasel Face?”
“Don’t call him that. He doesn’t look like a weasel.”
“You may be right,” said Jace. “I’ve met an attractive weasel or two in my time. He looks more like a rat.”

Rapier Twit: 4

Yes, another double, because I’m that pissed with it. Why does Jace have to constantly shit on Simon? Is it because he doesn’t bend over backwards to please Jace? Because he dared to point out that Jace was being a bully? Because he’s just an all-around better and more likeable character than Jace could ever hope to be?

Is it because Jace has a tiny dick and feels intimidated by another male? (Just a personal theory)

But let’s not forget that we got yet another stunning example of how horrible Clary is as a friend. When did she decide she should call Simon – when she was being peer-pressured by Jace and Alec, or when she was being a jealous bitch? That’s something CC really needs to learn – if the reader doesn’t see it, it doesn’t count.

Plot Hole: 3

Jace switches from bashing Simon to bashing Isabelle, talking about how she’ll totally just going to fool around with him for a while and then drop him once’s she’s had her fun. But Clary wonders if that’s what’s really going to happen, with the predictable result:

Clary wondered if perhaps Isabelle was smarter than Jace gave her credit for. Maybe she would realize what an amazing guy Simon was: how funny, how smart, how cool. Maybe they’d start dating. The idea filled her with a nameless horror.

I’m starting to wonder if I should add a “Jealous Bitch” count.

Apparently Calry was just so busy contemplating this that she stopped paying attention to her surroundings, specifically Jace. And he can’t have that – his ego might generate it’s own gravity well, but it’s also super fragile. So of course he responds in his standard way – being a jackass.

“I wish you’d stop desperately trying to get my attention like this,” he said. “It’s become embarrassing.”
“Sarcasm is the last refuge of the imaginatively bankrupt,” she told him.
“I can’t help it. I use my rapier with to hide my inner pain.”
“Your pain will be outer soon if you don’t get out of traffic. Are you trying to get run over by a cab?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he said. “We could never get a cab hat easily in this neighborhood.”

Rapier Twit: 5

Because that first line is just so typical of his behavior so far that I’m not even sure it was sarcasm. Still, there were two things that I thought were funny – that line about getting a cab is at least chuckle-worthy, and Jace’s delusion that he has a “rapier wit” is hilarious. More like butter-knife.

Thankfully, Brother Jerry shows up in his car/carriage before I’m subjected to even more inane babbling. Their ride is vaguely reminiscent of the scene with the Knight Bus from Prisoner of Azkaban, especially so when they literally go over a cab that cuts them off.

But enough interesting world-building stuff, CC needs to have Clary and Jace talk some more! Clary is still adjusting to her new perspective of the world (considering that she’s only been aware of all this stuff for about two days now, all I can say is “duh”), but she’s still having trouble seeing through glamour, and doing it gives her a headache. Funny how that’s never been mentioned before.

Plot Hole: 4

Jace reassures her, saying that that’s just that mind-block, and then he quotes William Blake at her. And she gets the reference, mostly because The Doors made the same reference. And much like with the piano, this is more author-shorthand to make Jace more appealing without actually doing anything. “Look, he reads poetry! He must be soo smart and sophisticated!” Well, I’m no theater buff, but I can still quote some Shakespeare. What does that mean?

And on top of all that, it again demonstrates how inconsistent the level of interaction between the Shadowhuters and humanity is – Jace knows who William Blake is, but doesn’t at least recognize that The Doors are a band? I’ve never listened to any of their stuff and I know that!

I will give CC credit, though – at least she went with a poet that her audience isn’t guaranteed to recognize.

And speaking of that piano scene, Clary brings it up. Jace dismisses it, saying that he only learned to play because his father insisted. Why? I don’t know. Clary says Jace’s dad sounds kinda strict, but Jace defends him, talking about how indulgent he was and how he gave Jace whatever he wanted.

So now we know who to blame for Jace’s horrible behavior.

Clary then asks why Jace didn’t tell Hodge that he knew the red cloaks that met with Luke back in chapter eight. And then for some inexplicable reason, we get a description of Jace’s hands.

They were slim and careful hands, the hands of an artist, not a warrior. The ring she had noticed earlier flashed on his finger. She would have thought there would have been something feminine about a boy wearing a ring, but there wasn’t. The ring itself was solid and heavy-looking, made of a dark burned-looking silver with a pattern of stars around the band. The letter W was carved into it.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 6

“Hands of an artist” my ass. And Jace is an artist – an artist of killing thins. And what’s up with that crack about wearing rings being “feminine?” I’m a guy and I regularly wear rings – for the past two years, I’ve worn my class ring. And what about wedding rings? Are they “feminine” too? What Jace is wearing sounds like a fucking signet ring – you know, the kind of thing that European nobles used to sign documents?

And remember the ring for later – it’ll be important. It’ll also be stupid, but that goes without saying.

Anyway, Jace kept mum about the red cloaks because he wants to be the one to kill Valentine. And not for revenge, oh no, but for “justice.” Because apparently he didn’t know who killed his father, even though he said back at the end of chapter eight that the red cloaks did it.

Clary nicely points out this little inconsistency, but Jace/CC covers it, saying that the red cloaks are the ones who actually killed his dad. So, how does this tie into Valentine exactly?

Clary responds to this like a normal human, and Jace is a dick.

It took a moment for Clary to realize that he was done speaking, and another to find her voice. “I’m so sorry, Jace.”
His eyes gleamed in the darkness. “I don’t understand why mundanes always apologize for things that aren’t their fault.”

Jesus Christ, man, could you for one second act like a human being? This sort of thing can work, but only if one of the characters doesn’t really ‘get’ emotions and social conventions. But Jace does understand those things, at least when CC wants him to.

So yeah, Jace wants to kill Valentine because apparently the Shadowhunters follow the Ape Shall Never Kill Ape rule, and Valentine broke it, thus making him the Worst Thing Ever, including demons. This not-so-nicely segues into a conversation about whether all demons are all evil. Jace says that they’re interdimensional parasites that only want to suck our world dry before moving on to the next one. Which sounds like a good answer until you think about it. Assuming Jace is correct, demons being parasites doesn’t make them inherently evil any more than a tapeworm or swarm of locusts is evil. Plus, if we assume that Shadowhunters kill any demons they encounter instead of, say, talking to them, how can they be sure that all demons want to suck the life right out of our world? That’s like assuming that all Germans during WWII were Nazis.

But having characters realize this would disrupt CC’s little fantasy, so all those questions are ignored.

Finally, FINALLY, they reach their destination – it’s a cemetery. Yes, entrance to the eponymous City of Bones is located in a cemetery. Big shock. And much like the Deep One’s city of Y’ha-nthlei, the Bone City is older than the city/town built over/next to it.

And yet despite our idiotic duo arriving at their destination, CC still feels the need to waste more time. Clary asks if Jace would be a Shadowhunter if he hadn’t been forced into it, and yes, he would, because he’s good at it. And that’s about all he’s good at, from what I’ve seen.

They follow Brother Jerry for a while until they reach a particular statue. And it’s of an angel (though not a weeping one, unfortunately) made of marble “so smooth it was almost translucent.”

Weird Word Choice: 2

Yes, she used it correctly, but I don’t think CC understands how thin marble would have to be to approach translucentcy.

And just for that extra touch of “SUBTLETY!!1!11”, there’s an inscription on it. It’s the first line of part two’s epigraph, specifically directed towards “Nephilim,” the official name for what the Shadowhunters are. And there’s a random date, too – 1234. No, I don’t know what that particular date means, and I’m certain that CC pulled it out of nowhere.

And of course, Clary has to ask what it means. Jace gives an answer entirely in line with what I’ve come to expect:

“It means ‘Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234.”

Rapier Twit: 6

So yeah, that’s what that “better in black” line from waaay back in the acknowledgments was probably in reference to. Elka, whoever you are, I hope we never meet, because I will slap you for providing that line.

Jerry draws some magical graffiti on the statue and suddenly there’s a hole in the ground. They go down it. It’s dark.

Scene break.

(We’re almost done, I swear)

We’re in the city. There’s a lot of levels to it, and the first one is where they deal with dead Shadowhunters – the ones that die of natural causes are put in mausoleums, and the ones that die in combat get burned, their remains used to build more of the Bone City. Which makes CC’s insistence in referring to the building material as “marble” all the more confusing and annoying.

Weird Word Choice: 5

Once for each use of the word “marble” to describe what the city’s made of. I don’t think CC knows what marble is, apart from a white rock.

I’m really going to start skimming, because I’m sick and tired of this damned chapter.

They meet the head honchos of the Silent Brotherhood. They start digging around in her head. Clary gets yet more random flashes of stuff, and finally a name – Magnus Bane.

But as it turns out, despite being super-awesome psychics, they can’t remove the block. It’s just that good.

More stupid “flirting” or whatever between Clary and Jace, and they leave. Chapter over.

Jesus H. Christ, this chapter was a slog.

It’s long – about 1/10th the length of the entire book. And so much of it was stupid, pointless filler. Why did we have that first scene with Isabelle? Why did we need that horrible, horrible dinner scene? Why do we have to sit through every fucking minute of Clary and Jace’s ride? Why? Why?!

And it doesn’t help that practically EVERY DAMN PAGE had something on it that set me off. I swear, this sporking would only be about 2/3rds as long if I didn’t go on a little mini-rant every other paragraph.

This chapter was in desperate need of editing. Here’s what I’d say if I were editing this:

First, cut most of the dinner scene and of the driving scene. They don’t add anything to the plot. The latter is mostly info-dumping about stuff that will never come up again, and the former rapidly goes into Unfortunate Implications territory. Having a scene where your heroes are racist bullies isn’t doing you any favors, CC.

Second, slim down on the descriptions. Yes, it’s all very nice, but we’ve moved into the second act – we’re past establishing the setting, now the plot should start to pick up speed. Pausing to lavishly describe every new sight is bogging the whole thing down.

Third, split the chapter. Maybe end the first when Clary goes to bed, or after her initial encounter with Brother Jeremiah. Let the whole mental block thing breathe a bit. This goes double if the first point were ignored.

So that’s chapter ten. The one that gave the book it’s title. And they’re never going to come back, in case your wondering. I’ve said this before, but this would be like if the title of The Hobbit was Bilbo Baggins Goes to Rivendell. The only rational explanation I can come up with is that it sounded cool, and offered an easy naming scheme for the series, much like the name for the series in the first place.

Hopefully there won’t be any more chapters quite this bad, but I doubt it.

Counts

Weird Word Choice: 5 (Total 52)
Rapier Twit: 6 (Total 22)
No Shit Sherlock: 3 (Total 18)
Plot Hole: 4 (Total 43)
Random Scene Break: 0 (Total 4)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 6 (Total 7)

Comment [14]

Gee, I wonder what this chapter could possibility be about?

Much like the last few chapters, this one picks up shortly after the previous one ended. In this case, “shortly” means about five minutes. Somehow, Jace managed to flag down a taxi, and he and Clary are headed… somewhere. Jace is also yelling at the driver, because a guy whose job involves knowing the streets of New York City like the back of his hand couldn’t possibly be a better navigator than the mighty Jace Wayland.

(Yeah, it’s probably not that unrealistic, but I refuse to give this book that kind of credit.)

The driver, like any sensible person, completely ignores Jace, so he decides to pester someone who’ll pay attention to him. So he pulls out his cellphone and – wait, he has a cellphone?

Plot Hole: 1

I know it’s a small thing, but I’m so used to YA fiction where the mere existence of cellphones is in question. This raises a lot of questions. Questions like, why didn’t he call ahead back in chapter nine to say he was bringing Simon along?

Oh wait, I know the answer to that – Jace is a jerk.

Anyway, he calls up Alec and tells him to meet them for breakfast. Keep in mind, it’s gotta be pretty early – when Jace woke Clary up last chapter, it was five in the morning and, despite how it felt, I doubt everything that happened after that could have taken up more than an hour’s time. So I’ll be really generous and assume it’s around 6:30, if not earlier. Jace has just woken up his “best friend” at 6:30 in the morning so he’ll meet them for breakfast. All because apparently there’s nothing to eat back at the base, and Jace is too lazy to actually buy something and bring it back. It’s New York – pick up some bagels or something.

Yep. Jace is a jerk.

They come to a place called “Taki’s,” and it’s some little hole-in-the-wall bistro. And no, I’m not going to make the obvious joke – it’s New York, it’s not that surprising. Plus, Clary points out that the place looks like a hole, setting Jace off about how good the food is. But Clary’s more interested in, you know, the plot and starts asking about Magnus Bane. He’s a warlock, but Jace doesn’t know more than that (big surprise there).

Alec shows up and tells us where the rest of the crew is:

“Izzy’s on her way,” he said. “She’s bringing the mundane.”
“Simon? Where did he come from?” Jace asked.
“He showed up first thing this morning. Couldn’t stay away from Izzy, I guess. Pathetic.”

Not to put too fine a point on it, Alec, but you just got up at way-too-early o’clock to rush out and meet Jace for breakfast. How is that any less pathetic?

Also, could you please not refer to Simon as “the mundane?” I mean, I’ve seen people treat pets with more dignity than you give Simon.

Clary dosn’t take Alec insulting Simon all that well, and contemplates kicking Alec, but doesn’t actually do anything. And with that, I’m introducing yet another new count: the Bitch count. This will basically be for any time I get angry at Clary’s behavior.

Bitch: 1

I can already tell that this is going to get pretty high.

They head inside, Clary noting that the bouncer has dark-red skin, and she assumes that he’s a demon. And we get a quick description of some of the customers:

Several customers turned to look at her – a boy with blue spiky dreads was sitting next to a beautiful Indian girl with long black hair and gauzelike golden wings sprouting from her back.

Once again, this has the potential to be a good scene. Kinda like the cantina scene from the first Star Wars movie – show just how diverse this world that CC’s created really is. And then she ruins it by doing something totally nonsensical.

It turns out that the bouncer (who’s name is Clancy, btw, which logically means his skin should be brown rimshot) is an ifrit, which in this world means a warlock without magical powers. Now, this causes some problems. For those who don’t know, “ifrits are a real thing”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ifrit from Arabic folklore; they’re a type of jinn, and are made of fire. So how you go from that to just a guy with red skin, I have no idea.

Plus, it feels like CC’s saying that there are only six kinds of inhabitants of her secret world – Shadowhunters, demons, vampires, werewolves, faeries, and warlocks. That’s it. So that whole line about “all myths being true” is complete bull.

There’s mention of kelpies, selkies, and nixies, but since they’re only mentioned, I’m not counting them. Why are they mentioned? Clary wanted to know why there was raw fish on the menu. The same goes for the raw meat, only for werewolves.

And again, this is a missed opportunity. Aside from the restaurant having three types of blood on tap, nothing else Clary mentions is all that weird. Raw fish? That’s “sashimi.”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sashimi Raw meat? “Steak tartare.”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tartare And yet this is treated as being weird. I don’t know whether I should blame this on Clary or CC, but either way it demonstrates a lack of cultural awareness.

Jace advises Clary to avoid the faerie food, since it tends to make humans act drunk and/or high. This gets Alec very enthusiastically telling a story that both Clary and Jace tune out. Now Clary doing this I can get – she’s the newcomer, so she doesn’t know who or what Alec’s referring to. But Jace? He and Alec are supposed to be lovers bestest buddies, but Jace is behaving more like Alec is his annoying younger brother.

Isabelle finally shows up, Simon in tow, and promptly tells Clary to make room, and we get more disparaging of Isabelle for no apparent reason:

Isabelle’s hair tickled her face, smelling of some kind of vanilla perfume. Clary fought the urge to assneeze. She hated vanilla perfume. She’d never understood why some girls felt the need to smell like dessert.

Bitch: 2

I really, really don’t get the Isabelle-hate. Pretty much from the moment they started interacting, Clary’s been hostile and demeaning of Isabelle. The girl loans Clary some of her own clothes, and all she can think about is how slutty they look. Of the three principle Shadowhunters (not including Hodge), Isabelle’s been the nicest so far. So why is it that Clary/CC is constantly bashing her?

Or is CC being like most YA Paranormal Whatsit authors, and using Isabelle as a stand-in for all the girls that were mean to her in high school?

Right, sporking now, speculating about author hold-ups later.

Isabelle asks Clary and Jace what they learned from the Silent Brothers. Jace starts to answer, but then Alec goes all paranoid on him. And we get more of CC’s special brand of “comedy.”

“This place is full of Downworlders. You know that. I think you should try to keep the details of our investigation secret.”
“_Investigation?_” Isabelle laughed. “Now we’re detectives? Maybe we should have code names.”
“Good idea,” said Jace. “I’ll shall be Hotschaft Von Hugenstein.”

Rapier Twit: 1

Oh, the problems with this.

First: Alec, why should it matter that the restaurant is full of Downworlders? Valentine was trying to kill them, remember? If anything, I’d think they’d be pretty eager to help track him down. Plus, by hiding this information it kinda makes it look like you’re protecting him, which would only make things worse.

Second: Isabelle, honey, you’ve confused detectives with spies. Also, you guys make the gang from Scoobie-Doo look like Sherlock Holmes. You had to be told what Valentine intended to do with the MacGuffin Cup, even though it should have been obvious, since you guys know what the cup is used for.

Finally: CC, having a character spout off some random German-sounding stuff isn’t inherently funny. Yes, it sounds weird, but that’s it. And once again, it’s really hard for me to take this situation seriously when you’re characters are busy cracking jokes. I get that Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a big influence on your writing style, I do. And yes, the Scoobies would crack jokes, but not when things needed to be taken seriously.

Anyway, the waitress comes over (she’s part faerie or something) and takes their order, and she and Jace flirt a bit. When she leaves, he goes after her, she swoons into his arms, and they go off to make-out for a bit. Our hero, everyone – putting the safety of the world on hold for a booty-call.

Now, I’m sure that this is supposed to make Jace look all suave or something, but it really just makes him look shallow. That impression is reinforced by Alec and Isabelle’s comments about it:

Alec looked at her. “Do you think he means it? That he likes her, I mean.”
Isabelle shrugged. “She’s a Downworlder,” she said, as if that explained everything.

And this is just more of that Shadowhunter racist/classist mentality that CC refuses to actually address. It’s perfectly acceptable for Jace to go out and “slum it” with a Downworlder, but there’s no possible way that he’d actually be in a serious, committed relationship with one. As proof, I give you the conversation resulting from Isabelle’s comment:

“So they’re good enough to let live, good enough to make food for you, good enough to flirt with – but not really good enough? I mean, not as good as people.”
Isabelle and Alec looked at her as if she were speaking Urdu. “Different from people,” said Alec finally.

It doesn’t help when Jace comes back to offer his two cents. And for once, I’m going to spork this line by line.

“It’s not one-way,” he said. “We may not always like Downworlders, but they don’t always like us either.

Well, considering that you, you know, kill them, you can hardly blame them. So really, most of the blame falls on you guys.

A few hundred years of the Accords can’t wipe out a thousand years of hostility.”

First, you do know that there’s only ten centuries in a thousand years, right? So, how long have the Accords been around? Two-hundred years? Three? Five? You’d think after that long (especially considering that the Shadowhunters have only existed for a thousand years), things would be relatively friendly.

“I’m sure she doesn’t know what the Accords are,” Isabelle said around her spoon.

That’s a good point, Isabelle! Why not explain them?

“I do, actually,” Clary said.

No, you don’t, because no one’s bothered to explain them to you, beyond the very basics.

“I don’t,” said Simon.

Another good point! Why doesn’t someone explain the Accords to Simon?

“Yes, but nobody cares what you know.” Jace examined a fry before biting into it.

Fuck you, Jace. Simon’s asking a perfectly valid question, so why do you have to be a dick about it?

“I enjoy the company of certain Downworlders at certain times and places. But we don’t get invited to the same parties.”

And that’s it. That’s all the explanation about Shadowhunter-Downworlder relations we’re going to get. No explanation about the all-important Accords, no questioning whether the current status of Shadowhunter-Downworlder is good or bad, nothing.

Oh, but we do get something else – a forced way to get the plot moving again. Jace’s use of the word “parties” reminds Isabelle of something. She asks for the name again and pulls out a flier she got waaay back in chapter one, at the club. It’s an invite to a party hosted by one Magnus the Magnificent Warlock, the High Warlock of Brooklyn.

How exactly does one become a “High Warlock?” Do you get elected? Appointed? Or is it just something Mr. Bane made up to sound impressive?

It’s sad that I’m more interested in a character we’ve never met than any of the main cast.

Now, I have mixed feelings about this particular plot-twist. While it’s a nice Chekov’s gun (I remember mention of someone handing out fliers back in chapter one), it also raises some questions. Questions like, why is a guy who’s obviously pretty big in the supernatural society advertising his party at a random club? Because, as we’ll soon see, this party isn’t exactly safe for mundanes. Is Bane trying to cause an incident? Or do the Shadowhunters only care when mundanes get killed?

Scene break and we’re back at the Institute. Jace and Alec promptly disappear into the weapons room (gee, that’s kinda dripping innuendo) while Isabelle plans to take Simon to Central Park and show him some faerie circles (and that’s gushing innuendo). Simon asks if Clary wants to come along (dude, come on, at least wait a little while before going for a threesome) and this pisses her off, and she turns the offer down.

Bitch: 3

Honestly, she’d just kill the mood, Simon. Bringing a friend along on a date? How stupid are you? I mean, you seem to have a pretty good thing going with Isabelle. Why are you so set on ruining it?

Clary wanders around for a while and eventually ends up in the library. She pokes around in Hodge’s copy of Mein Kampf Circle of Raziel rulebook and finds a photo of the Order of the Phoenix Circle stuck inside. She immediately recognizes her mom, because like most YA Paranormal Whatever protagonists, she’s an exact photocopy of her same-gender parent. She is, of course, draped over a guy, which gets Clary thinking about how weird it is to think about her mom being involved with someone other than her dad.

Hodge pops up from nowhere and starts identifying the people in the photo – the guy Clary’s mom is clinging to is obviously Valentine, along with a young Hodge, Luke, the Lightwoods, and Jace’s dad, Michael Wayland. Clary points out that Jace doesn’t look at all like his dad. Hodge hand waves this by saying that he takes after his mother. Who is conveniently the only parent of our group of young Shadowhunters that’s not in the photo.

I’ll just ignore the fact that Jace also happens to look a lot like Valentine. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.

Clary still doesn’t get how or why her mom would be involved with something like the Circle, and Hodge has to explain that, oddly enough, some Shadowhunters don’t really like the whole idea of not hunting Downworlders. Gee, I would never have guessed. And that Valentine was also super patriotic. And since Clary has the attention span of a hyperactive chipmunk, she latches onto why Shadowhunters all have such a hard-on for the place. He gives some spiel about how it’s the one place where Shadowhunters “can be their true selves, a place where there is no need for hiding or glamour.”

Oh, so Shadowhunters are like superheroes, only racist. Now it all makes sense.

And once again, Clary decides to jump to another topic. This time, it’s about her dream – namely, whether they have dances in Idris. And they do, on a weekly basis. Because that was just so damn important to find out.

Clary heads out, but asks one more question before leaving. Though this one is actually semi-pertinent. Hodge heard back from Shadowhunter high command, and they are sending some guys to investigate, but they won’t be coming to the Institute because they’re pretty sure Valentine is keeping tabs on the place. It might also have something to do with the fact that one of his former minions lives there, but that’s hardly something they’d just come out and say.

And just before leaving so the scene can end, Clary asks for something to help her sleep. She claims that she “[keeps] thinking too much.” I sincerely doubt that her problem is that she’s “thinking too much.”

After a quick scene break, Clary gets her potion and heads back to her room.

Random Scene Break: 1

She heads inside and finds none other than Jace waiting inside. And he’s flipping through Clary’s sketchbook. The guy clearly has no understanding of personal space. Why do so many tween girls seem to find this attractive?

Clary drops the potion in surprise, and is more upset by this than the fact that Jace is again in her room without her permission, and Jace is more apologetic about making Clary spill her sleep aid than being caught peeking through her stuff. But he has a solution:

“If only Simon were here. He could probably bore you to sleep.”
Clary was in no mood to defend Simon.

Rapier Twit: 2

Bitch: 4

To quote Gurney Hallek, “Mood’s a thing for cattle or making love or playing the baliset.” You could at least groan at Jace’s comment.

Clary’s ADD kicks in and they start talking about her sketchbook, which she describes as a sort-of visual diary. Which Jace of course brings back around to himself:

Jace looked wounded. “A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance novel covers? The-”
“Do all the girls you meet fall in love with you?” Clary asked quietly.
The question seemed to deflate him, like a pin popping a balloon. “It’s not love,” he said after a moment. “At least-”
“You could try not being charming all the time,” Clary said.

Um, I’m sorry, are we talking about the same Jace?

It’s not just breaking the “show, don’t tell” rule, it’s the crappy writer gimmick of “show, and tell the opposite.” I can claim that the sky is green and grass is blue, but that doesn’t make it true.

In a rare moment of vaguely human-like behavior, Jace offers to tell Clary a bedtime story to lull her to sleep.

I’ll give you guys the short version. A boy gets a pet falcon from his dad, and gets told to train it. The boy takes care of the bird, and eventually tames it. He shows it to his dad, and the dad promptly kills it, essentially saying that the boy made the bird soft. Jace says the moral of the story is something about how love is ultimately destructive.

Clary’s reaction is actually believable, if understated:

“That’s an awful story,” she said indignantly.

Is it ironic that Clary said that, or just meta?

Jace, being a psychopath, doesn’t get why Clary thinks that, so she points out everything wrong with it (how meta) – namely that the father’s horrible and an abusive parent.

We get a very purple description of how the light looks on Jace’s face

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

before he tries to defend his story. He argues that the father was trying to teach his son to be tough and inflexible. Clary points out that being inflexible makes you more likely to break, and Jace comes back with this brilliant retort:

“Not if you’re strong enough.”

Jace leaves, and it’s at this moment that Clary remembers him mentioning that his dad once gave him a falcon, and only now considers the possibility that the boy in the story was him before passing out.

No Shit Sherlock: 1

Can’t say I blame her for passing out. Jace’s story was stupid and boring. Just like Jace seems to think Simon is. Is that irony, or just a coincidence?

When are we going to get back to the plot, anyway?

Another scene break, and Clary’s being shaken awake by someone. Clary sits up too fast and bonks said someone in the head.

Rapier Twit: 3

The someone for some reason feels the need to point out that Clary bonked them in the head

No Shit Sherlock: 2

and we find out that the someone is Isabelle. Does no one in this place understand the concept of personal space?

CC then decides to give us an in-depth description of how Isabelle looks:

She seemed to shimmer in the lamplight – she was wearing a long silvery skirt and a sequined top, and her nails were painted like glittering coins. Strands of silver beads were caught in her dark hair. She looked like a moon goddess. Clary hated her.

Bitch: 5

Why? Because she looks pretty? How petty can you get?

Clary bitches a bit about Isabelle leaning over her, and asks what Isabelle wants. She explains that it’s almost time for them to go to the party, so she needs to get dressed. Clary says she wasn’t going to change, but Isabelle insists. Clary tries to weasel out of it by pointing out that she doesn’t have any nice clothes, so Isabelle says she’ll let Clary borrow some of her stuff. Clary tries to turn down the offer, and we get this from Isabelle:

Isabelle’s smile was as glittering as her nails. “I insist.”

Is this supposed to come across as vaguely sinister? I know that sort of thing has been done for comedy, but for that to work we actually have to know the character is kinda fashion-focused. We know almost nothing about Isabelle, so this feels like forced characterization on CC’s part.

Scene break, and we’re in Isabelle’s room

Random Scene Break: 2

Clary’s still trying to get out of this, insisting that she’d prefer her own clothes. And Isabelle’s response is actually pretty good:

“Well, you can’t,” Isabelle said. “You look about eight years old, and worse, you look like a mundane.”

Now, I’m wouldn’t be surprised if this was intended to make Isabelle sound like a Mean Girl Fashionista, but since I actually kinda like Isabelle, I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt.

We get a description of Isabelle’s room, and find out that she painted it herself, which I think is a nice detail. Isabelle tosses Clary some article of clothing that get’s referred to as a dress. I’ll explain the fallacy of that it a minute. She comes out to find Isabelle putting on toe rings and anklets. Isabelle makes a comment about how Clary’s lucky to be flat-chested, as she can’t wear that “dress” without a bra. Clary complains that it’s too short. Wait for it. Isabelle insists its fine, and tosses Clary some boots and tights.

And then the ball drops:

“If it’s this short on me, how short must it be on you?” she mused aloud to Isabelle.
Isabelle grinned. “On me it’s a shirt.”

Isabelle, if it’s a shirt on you, then it’s a shirt on Clary. Just because Clary doesn’t quite possess your “assets” doesn’t change what that particular article of clothing is. Ladies, tell me if I’m wrong.

God, at least find her a pair of shorts or something.

Clary ignores this and puts on the tights and boots. Isabelle gets to work fixing Clary’s hair, and apropos of nothing, Clary asks if Alec is gay. And instead of telling her something like, “that’s personal,” or “that’s something you should ask Alec,” Isabelle almost breaks down in tears.

It turns out that, yes, Alec is gay, and Isabelle insists that Clary can’t tell anyone, especially Jace. She doesn’t say why, but I think we can guess. Let’s just say that the term “‘parabatai‘”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sacred_Band_of_Thebes#Composition and his general treatment of Clary make a lot more sense.

Why is this a big deal? Well remember, culturally speaking, the Shadowhunters are only up to the mundane world of the 1980s at best. There’s no actual “no gays aloud” rule (unlike marrying mundanes, I might mention), but a lot of the older Shadowhunters tend to favor keeping that sort of thing a deep, deep secret.

Clary agrees to keep Alec’s secret, and asks if Isabelle’s going to be bringing any weapons. So Isabelle shows of her anklets – one’s made of electrum (good against demons, for some inexplicable reason), and the other is blessed iron (for vampires and faeries). There’s an exchange about demon hunting and fashion going together, and the scene ends.

After the scene break, we’re meeting back up with the rest of the crew. During the break, Clary picked up her backpack for some inexplicable reason. Probably so CC has an excuse for her to have it. Despite Isabelle’s comments about Clary’s outfit from before, the only one of the guys to get any description of his clothing is Simon, which consists of changing his pants and turning his shirt inside out. Because that won’t look stupid at all.

Isabelle and Clary come down the stairs, and it’s the typical post-makeover scene. You’ve seen it before, you know how it goes.

Oh, wait, I spoke too soon – we do get more description of how the guys are dressed:

Even half in demon hunter clothes, Clary thought, [Simon] looked like the sort of boy who’d come over to your house to pick you up for a date and be polite to your parents and nice to your pets.
Jace , on the other hand, looked like the sort of boy who’d come over to your house and burn it down for kicks.

Um, CC, I don’t know if you realized this, but you pretty much came out and admitted that Jace is a psychopath. And most people don’t find that particularly attractive. So, fail.

Jace “unhitches” from the wall and complements Clary’s dress/shirt.

Weird Word Choice: 1

That word still looks stupid to me.

Jace then decides that the one thing that would make Clary’s ensemble perfect would be a weapon, so he gives her a dagger. Which gets a bit of a purple description.

Clary points out that she has no idea how to use the thing, but Jace says she’ll be fine because it’s “in [her] blood.” Do I even need to point out how stupid that is?

Isabelle says that she can loan Clary a thigh sheath, but Simon strongly disapproves. Clary shoots him a nasty look (understandable, but why do I think she’d agree if Jace said the same?), but turns the offer down, sticking the dagger into her backpack. Because that’s where you should keep your weapons – safely tucked away where you can’t easily get to them.

Jace then pulls out the magic-hairpins keeping Clary’s hair in place, completely undoing all of Isabelle’s work, and the chapter ends.

So, what was the point of this chapter, anyway? Most of it’s just pointless padding. Of everything that happened, only one is of any real importance to the plot – Clary getting tat old photo. The breakfast scene? Padding, with a pinch of info dumping. Jace’s little bedtime story? Pointless padding. Isabelle’s make-over? Padding, with a touch of CC trying to be “edgy” by including a gay character.

Let’s take a closer look at those last two points, shall we? This is a particularly egregious bit of padding, because I remember reading somewhere that that bit was more-or-less copied directly from one of CC’s Draco Trilogy fics. And while it’s certainly not bad writing, it doesn’t really belong here. It doesn’t do a great job of informing Jace’s character, which is probably what it was intended to do. All we learn is that Jace’s dad was kinda crazy, which at best explains why Jace is such a violent sociopath. He’s not a person, he’s a weapon.

Now, this could be an interesting plot – Jace is great at killing things, but not much else. Clary comes along and helps him develop into a fully realized person. Unfortunately, CC is too enamored of her psychotic Draco clone to notice how utterly broken he is as a person.

On to the make-over scene, specifically the big reveal about Alec being gay. Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against gay characters. Heck, one of my favorite characters is Lord Akeldama from Gail Carriger’s Parasol Protectorate series. He’s a vampire, and a flamingly gay one at that (though some of it might be that the books are set in the Victorian era). But here’s the thing – Akeldama being gay isn’t his sole defining characteristic. Yes, he’s gay, but he’s also one of the most influential vampires in London, if not the entire British Empire, and he heads one of, if not the most wide-spread and efficient information gathering organizations in London. Oh, and he has a sort of fetish for technology.

What’s there to Alec? Well, he’s a Shadowhunter, but so are Jace and Isabelle. He’s Jace’s partner, but given how Jace treats him, that bond doesn’t seem to really mean anything to Jace. Alec being gay is about the only thing that differentiates him from the other characters. Beyond that, he’s a dark-haired clone of Jace. And as near as I can tell, CC only made Alec gay is because she knows her fanbase, and that at least a portion of her target audience is into yaoi.

Oh, and before I finish up, I should point out hat the chapter’s title was entirely pointless – Bane is discussed, but only briefly. Again, CC doesn’t seem to understand how naming chapters should work. She should have stuck with just numbering them.

Counts

Weird Word Choice: 1 (Total 53)
Rapier Twit: 3 (Total 24)
No Shit Sherlock: 1 (Total 19)
Plot Hole: 1 (Total 44)
Random Scene Break: 2 (Total 6)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 1 (Total 7)
Bitch: 5 (Total 5)

Comment [28]

Well, here we are again. Thankfully, this is a short chapter. Will this one’s title be any more indicative of its contents than the last? Servery says – no.

The party, it seems, is somewhere in Brooklyn. The text says the invite has directions, and yet for some reason they still have to use the GPS function of Isabelle’s Sensor to find the place.

Weird Word Choice: 2

Double count because A) CC continues to capitalize ‘Sensor’, and B) if the invitation has “directions,” you shouldn’t need a map.

Also, we have definitive proof that the magical Shadowhunter “Sensors” are, in fact, just smartphones. (For reference, this book was published in 2007, the same year as the 1st generation iPhone)

We get the “Simon is a nerd” point bashed in again as the narration explains that he “loved gadgets.” Because only nerds can show an interest in technology. Oh, wait, he’s only “pretending” to be interested in Isabelle’s phone.

Clary gets mopy because she’s no longer the center of attention, so she starts lagging behind. Which of course draws the attention of Jace so that these two can have yet anther conversation, which I will once again spork line by line.

“Keep up,” said and irritated voice in her ear. It was Jace, who had dropped back to walk beside her.

If the fact that Jace apparently has ninja-stealth doesn’t terrify you, there’s something wrong with you.

“I don’t want to have to keep looking behind me to make sure nothing’s happened to you.”

Oh, don’t try to act all concerned. I bet you’d happily toss Simon at anything coming after you.

“So don’t bother.”

Aw, poor widdle Clary. It’s just so hard, what with all four of these people escorting you to a party just so you can meet with some guy. Truly, yours is the most tragic of all lives.

“Last time I left you alone, a demon attacked you,” he pointed out.

Yes, and she somehow managed just fine without you. What was your point again?

“Well, I’d certainly hate to interrupt your pleasant night stroll with my sudden death.”

Oh, I don’t know. Your sudden death would certainly perk up my day. At least this story would be over then.

He blinked. “There’s a fine line between sarcasm and outright hostility, and you seem to have crossed it. What’s up?”

Jace, don’t even try to pretend that you’ve ever been on the right side of that line. You passed it a long, long time ago.

Anyway, Clary’s once again changed her opinion about people poking around inside her head, because she’s afraid of what might be hidden there. Despite the fact that she actually volunteered to go through with it the last time, and the whole reason for this trip is because she wanted to find out what’s in there. CC can’t even keep her character’s motivations straight.

Oh, and then we get this:

“What if I don’t like what he finds?”
“What makes you think you won’t?”
Clary pulled her hair away from her sticky skin. “I hate it when you answer a question with a question.”
“No you don’t, you think it’s charming.”

Rapier Twit: 1

No, Jace, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t. God you’re a douche. How is it he has fans when says douche-y shit like that? I just started reading Prince of Thorns, and the protagonists of that book is infinitely more charming, and he says stuff like this:

War, my friends, is a thing of beauty. Those who says otherwise are loosing. If I’d bothered to go over to old Bovid, propped up against the fountain with his guts in his lap, he’d probably take a contrary view. But look where disagreeing got him.

And this:

The red face made me want to kill him even more. I didn’t, though. You got responsibilities when you’re a leader. You got a responsibility not to kill too many of your men. Or who’re you going to lead?

How is it that a guy who makes Ramsay “Bastard of the Dreadfort” Bolton look almost cuddly can be down-right charming, and yet Jace, our supposed hero, is a complete douche-nozzle, and yet still somehow manages to have fangirls?

They finally get to the party, but we can’t go in yet, because CC has to plant yet another Chekov’s gun – vampire motorcycles. Alec and Jace immediately get hard-ons for the things, talking about all the stuff the bikes can supposedly do (like fly, turn invisible, or work underwater), because as non-nerd guys, they’re automatically interested in all things mechanical.

God, this book is so full of stereotyping.

For some reason, one of the bikes has the phrase “NOX INVICTUS” written on the side, and either Jace or CC once again demonstrate that they know less Latin than Harry Dresden, because Jace says it means “Victorious Night,” when in fact it means “Unconquered Night.” There’s a subtle difference.

Weird Word Choice: 3

In the future, either avoid pretentious Latin phrases, or get someone who actually knows Latin to make them up for you. Dumbass.

The ever-lovely Isabelle steps in to remind the boys that, you know, they didn’t come all this way to ogle someone else’s motorcycles, and there’s a plot that’s been on the back-burner so long it’s starting to smoke. They buzz Bane’s apartment, and he comes to the door. And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that he’s assumed to be of at least “partly” Asian descent.

Plot Hole: 1

Why? Well, I’m sure Pryotra mentioned this somewhere else, but I think it needs reiterating – how does someone of Asian ancestry end up with a name like Magnus Bane, which is clearly of European origin? Especially since, as CC has already established, warlocks cannot reproduce? Did he change his name? Is “Magnus Bane” a stage name, and his real name is something different? Or did CC just not think about what she’s written? (Probably this)

Bane is obviously quite skeptical about letting a bunch of Shadowhunters into his place. Our alleged heroes use their brains for once, and let Isabelle do all the talking, pointing out that she does, in fact, have an invitation. And I just love Bane’s response:

Magnus plucked the invitation out of her hand and looked at it with fastidious distaste. “I must have been drunk,” he said. He threw the door open. “Come in. And try not to murder any of my guests.”

Weird Word Choice: 4

Apart from that, I find it interesting that the first thing he tells them is to not kill anybody. Really says a lot about the Shadowhunters, I think.

But really, “fastidious?” Really? CC, please put the thesaurus down, you’re not fooling anybody.

Jace tries posturing, and makes a lame joke about avenging his shoes should they be ruined.

Rapier Twit: 2

But Bane gives absolutely zero fucks, and demonstrates this by grabbing Jace’s magic wand out of his hand and literally telling him to keep it in his pants.

I know what happens to him in the next book, but I gotta admit it – right now, I like Magnus Bane. I guess that’s my basic formula for liking a character in this series: their treatment of Jace is inverse to my opinion of them.

Isabelle once again shows that she’s one of the few people here with a fully functioning brain, and asks Jace to kindly not fuck this up. Jace’s response?

Jace looked bored. “Relax. I know what I’m doing.”

Jace, not two minutes ago you pretty much tried to pull a gun on the guy you came here to see. Why don’t you just go back to base and let the grown-ups handle this one, okay?

On the way up, there’s a bit between Clary and Simon where he jokes about Bane attending or working at their school, causing Clary to laugh, even though it’s not that funny. But this gets Isabelle’s attention, and she comes back to join them, which of course pisses Clary off.

Bitch: 1

They get up to the party, which is full of more weird-looking people who’re again only there to act as window dressing considering how little their presence effects anything. When Clary stops ogling her surroundings, she realizes that her alleged “friends” have completely abandoned her. Can’t say I blame them.

But she manages to find Bane lounging on a couch, and goes to talk to him. She asks what the reason for the party is, and he tells her it’s his cat’s birthday. How… quirky.

Jace and Alec pop back up, Jace apparently having made another “conquest.” Clary asks where Simon and Isabelle are, and Jace points to the dance floor. Clary looks and sees them, and this gets her pissy, because how dare another girl show any interest in the guy she’s only interested in as a friend! Just look at Clary’s reaction:

If they dance any closer, they won’t have to go off in a corner to have sex.

Bitch: 2

Uh, CC? At this point, she should just be glad that they’re not having sex on the dance floor. Seriously, I’ve heard stories of my high school homecoming dance that were dirtier than what Isabelle was doing.

Jace tries to talk to Bane, but then some really pissed-off vampires show up. Seems someone poured holy water into his bike’s gas tank, and now the thing’s melted. The vamp thinks it was a werewolf, and is mad because Bane said he wouldn’t be inviting any werewolves. Bane says he didn’t invite any werewolves, so if one of them sabotaged the vamp’s bike, it’s not his fault. The vampire tries to threaten Bane, but Bane force-chokes him and tells him to leave.

Jace is impressed, but Bane is nonchalant about it, and refers to the male vampire as “her” because Bane is gay. Alec, for some reason, finds this hilarious.

Rapier Twit: 3

Alec then decides to reveal that they were the ones who put holy water in the vamp’s bike.

No Shit Sherlock: 1

Rather than be pissed that they just destroyed one of his guest’s property leading to said guest threatening him, Bane is fine with this action. Because having Bane react like a normal person would completely derail the plot, and we can’t have that! The only acceptable reasons for derailing the plot are for stupid comedy, poorly written bedtime stories, and make-overs!

They finally get around to asking Bane to help them out, and Jace almost literally threatens to have Bane tortured if he refuses. Look:

“No,” Jace repeated. “We can talk to you under the seal of the Covenant. Anything you say will be confidential.”
“And if I don’t help you?”
Jace spread his hands wide. The rune tattoos stood out on his palms stark and black. “Maybe nothing. Maybe a visit from the Silent City.”
Magnus’s voice was honey poured over shards of ice. “That’s quite a choice you’re offering me, little Shadowhunter.”
“It’s no choice at all,” said Jace.
“Yes,” said the warlock. “That’s exactly what I meant.”

In what universe is this guy the hero? By what possible definition of “heroic” does “threaten with torture” qualify as something the heroes do? I’m not talking anti-heroes, here – there is absolutely no questioning of whether Jace is anything other than entirely heroic.

And Jace isn’t just a sociopath, he’s a moron to boot. He literally just saw Bane force-choke a bitch because he threatened him. And now Jace is doing the exact same thing! In a logical story, this would be the point where Bane tells all our “heroes” to leave before he has to use force.

But that doesn’t happen. And I have to wonder why. Because unlike the fans and the writer, I can see a logical reason for why Bane doesn’t skin Jace alive right there. The Shadowhunters aren’t a police force – they’re a bunch of dictators. They make the rules, and death is the only penalty. Question them, oppose them, or threaten them, and they’ll lock you up and torture you without even the pretense of a trial, because why should they have to justify themselves to a bunch of filthy Downworlders?

And the worst part? I doubt that CC even realized what she’d created. She didn’t notice that her entire little fantasy world follows a protagonist-centered morality.

Goddamn, and they’re making a film of this book.

Scene break to Bane’s room.

Random Scene Break: 1

Bane asks what they want, because when someone’s got a gun to your head its a good idea to cooperate. Clary explains about her mom being missing, and Bane couldn’t give less of a fuck. She clarifies that her mom’s been kidnapped by Valentine. Bane tries to lie his way out, which Clary knows because the Author Says So. Jace gives a very abridged version of their visit to the Silent Brothers, and Bane caves.

He did such a great job putting that block in Clary’s mind that he got cocky and signed it. Clary wouldn’t remember seeing anything supernatural, even if she were looking right at it, which is exactly what his client wanted.

Clary asks who hired him to do this, and Bane reveals that it was her own mother!

No Shit Sherlock: 2

Um, duh? Was this really supposed to be a surprise? Who else would have had this done?

But that’s the end of the chapter. I gotta admit, for such a short one, I didn’t think it’d be so off-pissing. The further I get in this book, the worse the “heroes” appear. I really have to wonder how CC, let alone her fans, could see this and not realize how utterly horrible her little fantasy really is.

It’s not like Jace is Jack Bauer or anything. At least he has an excuse for doing and threatening to do horrible things to people, and even then the viewer isn’t supposed to praise him for it. What’s Jace’s excuse? He’s trying to save the world? Well, he sure is taking his sweet-ass time about it. He can take time off for a hot chick, but can’t bother to actually convince someone they need to help them out.

I think at this point, my only hope is that either the filmmakers take major liberties with the source material, or they don’t and everyone realizes just how utterly fucked-up this stuff is, like with the Twilight movies.

And I have to wonder why this exists as a separate chapter. It’s so short that it could easily have been combined with a trimmed-down version of chapter eleven. On top of that, it would also make the chapter titles make sense – Bane didn’t even appear in the last chapter, and the only “dead man” in this was the vampire. Hate to break it to you, CC, but “warlock” does not qualify as one of the undead. The fanfic DNA is really starting to show at this point.

Since this one was so short, I’m debating between working on the next chapter and taking a break. See you guys next time.

Counts:

Weird Word Choice: 4 (Total 57)
Rapier Twit: 2 (Total 26)
No Shit Sherlock: 2 (Total 21)
Plot Hole: 1 (Total 45)
Random Scene Break: 1 (Total 7)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 0 (Total 7)
Bitch: 2 (Total 7)

Comment [17]

I’m not even going to try to figure out what that could possibly refer to. Every title since chapter ten has been steadily less relevant than the last.

We pick up about two seconds after the end of chapter twelve, with Clary’s reaction to the not-at-all-surprising revelation that her mom had her whammied to not see anything supernatural. To absolutely no one’s surprise, she doesn’t understand why. Because her mom being on the run from her genocidal ex couldn’t possibly have anything to do with it.

Bane explains that he doesn’t ask questions like that, he just does the job, within the entirely arbitrary Shadowhunter laws. Clary gets indignant about the Shadowhunters being okay with “mind-rape,” but promptly forgets about the greater implications of such a thing, instead asking how many times Bane has done this to her.

Bane goes into an exposition dump about the whole situation – Clary’s mom brought her there to get this done, and has had it re-done every two years. Oh, and putting this particular whammie on Clary might have caused brain damage.

Bane was scheduled to give Clary another tune-up, but that just happened to fall on the night that she got into a fight with her mom and ran out with Simon. Remember that guy she sorta saw back in chapter two? That was Bane.

Clary asks what will happen when the spell’s removed, but Bane says he can’t remove it. This naturally pisses off Jace, who starts making threats again. Thankfully, Bane is back in his “don’t give a shit” mode, and utterly shuts him down. Bane explains what should have been obvious once his two-year check-ups were mentioned – the spell’s already wearing off, and in time, it’ll be gone.

No Shit Sherlock: 1

That whole “Clary might have brain damage” thing explains so much.

Clary goes into a whole thing about how she’s always thought there was something wrong with her, but Bane doesn’t feel like putting up with any more of her crap, and tells her that every teenager feels like that. Then he gives a bit of his own history for perspective – his mom hanged herself, and his dad tried to drown him, and Bane accidentally killed him. Gotta say, this is really, really dark. Not to mention really out-of-place.

But while Bane can’t actually remove the spell, he can give Clary a little something to help her out, and pulls out a random book. Jace and Alec get all excited about it, and refer to it as “the Gray book.” Clary points out that the book is green, and Jace gets snarky:

“If there was such a thing as terminal literalism, you’d have died in childhood.”

Rapier Twit: 1

So, why did CC put this in here? Why, to give us another vocabulary lesson. Apparently, “Gray” is short for “Gramarye,” which wikipedia helpfully informs me is just a variant spelling of grimoire.

Weird Word Choice: 1

Whoop-di-do, CC. You can look up a word’s etymology.

But rather than just say this, Jace has to give us a definition and explain what makes the book so special, so we can all be properly impressed with his “knowledge.” Alec, being so infatuated with Jace, is properly impressed, so of course Jace as to snark at him. They continue this until Bane tells them both to shut up, because no one gives a shit, including the reader.

Bane shows Clary a particular rune, and tells her to look at it until something happens in her head. Good luck with that.

She looks at the pretty picture, and something happens, and it is described in a very purple fashion. Clary starts flipping through the book, but Bane stops her before she gets too far. Turns out that if you read too many runes at once, bad things will happen. Even the Almighty Jace admits that he doesn’t have the entirety of the book memorized. Bane isn’t terribly impressed by this.

I like doesn’t-give-a-shit Bane. He’s more fun than buckle-under-pressure Bane.

Unfortunately, Clary still doesn’t remember anything about the MacGuffin Cup, and Bane explains that she’s never known anything about the MacGuffin Cup, or any of the other MacGuffins. Making this whole trip entirely pointless.

Why am I not surprised?

They theorize a bit more about Valentine’s goals, and we find out that Bane was at the last signing of the Accords, and we get a peek into a Downworlder’s perspective.

“I killed a number of your folk.”
“Circle members,” Jace said quickly. “Not ours-”
“If you insist on disavowing that which is ugly about what you do,” said Magnus, still looking at Alec, “you will never learn from your mistakes.”

It’s like the book’s almost sporking itself.

Unlike our heroes, Bane isn’t all that surprised to find out that Valentine is still alive. Jace asks if he’ll help, but Bane says he doesn’t know anything about the MacGuffin Cup, and even if he did, he wouldn’t help them. Alec gets upset about this for… reasons, and points out that if they don’t get the cup back, they can’t make more Shadowhunters (because they just use it so frequently, and all).

And once again, we get to see this from the other side, and it is wonderful:

“Perhaps not everyone regards that as quite the disaster that you do. Mind you,” [Bane] added, “if I had to choose between the Clave and Valentine, I would choose the Clave. At least they’re not actually sworn to wipe out my kind. But nothing the Clave has done has earned my unswerving loyalty either. So no, I’ll sit this one out.”

It’s like CC’s subconscious knows that the Shadowhunters are dicks, but her conscious mind just won’t accept it.

But seriously, if the best reason to keep the your heroes around more or less amounts to them being the lesser of two evils, you might want to re-think your story.

With that, Bane tells them he needs to get back to the party before something bad happens, but Jace and Clary insist on having another little moment, but Bane breaks it up, saying that, *“The only person who gets to canoodle in my bedroom is my magnificent self.”*0

This leads to more of CC’s “comedy,” with Clary going “Canoodle?” CC then ruins the joke by explaining it (side note: even Word recognizes it, so what’s your excuse?), and then drives it into the ground by having Jace say “Magnificent?”

Rapier Twit: 2

CC, Mel Brooks did the same gag. Except when he did it, it was funny.

And yes, Jace, Bane is magnificent. Or at least more magnificent than your punk ass has any hope of being.

Bane finally just tells them to GTFO, and they do. We get another description of the party, and how Clary can now see things even more clearly because shut up, and only now do any of them ask where Isabelle or Simon are. Bane makes a comment about some faeries being bisexual, Jace is a dick in response, and Isabelle finally comes back into the narrative. Unfortunately, she brings with her a stupid sub-plot.

Clary asks where Simon is (oh, don’t pretend you actually give a shit), and Isabelle explains that he’s been turned into a rat. The whole thing gets dragged out for way too long, with Alec becoming a stereotypical older brother, Jace thinking she’s drunk, and Clary being a moron. Isabelle has to explain this little “twist” three fucking times, which is two too many.

This gets dragged out into even more “comedy” as Alec and Jace focus on how Isabelle’s going to get in trouble for this, because Alec’s “pretty sure that turning mundanes into rats is against the Law.”

Weird Word Choice: 2

Nice to know that they might give a damn. Oh, but Jace is there to console Alec, because, “The worst [Isabelle] could be accused of is negligence.”

Rapier Twit: 3

Because this is just so fucking funny, isn’t it? You gotta love how they seem to view being a mundane as some kind of mental deficiency. And by “love,” I mean “hate with all fiery anger of a thousand suns.”

But Clary doesn’t care about the Law, no sir!

Weird Word Chioice: 3

CC, every time you Capitalize a Word, it looks Stupid. To keep myself from Killing a Small Animal, I’m going to pretend they’re all saying “Law” like this.

Clary’s all mad now because “[her] best friend is a rat!”

Bitch: 1

CC, stop trying to convince me that Clary gives two shits about Simon when she very clearly doesn’t.

But this whole thing is obviously Isabelle’s fault, for Clary hath declared it so, and she is the Author Avatar. She gets mad at Isabelle for going for looking for help, and then calls Isabelle a bitch.

Bitch: 2

How is it her fault? You three were the ones wasting everyone’s time by stating the blindingly obvious and staring at pictures! And not accomplishing a damn thing to move the plot along!

Clary dives under the bar to find Simon, and actually has to psych herself up to pick him up, and wishes that he’d been turned into a hamster instead.

Bitch: 4

Yes, cares so much about him, but eww, he’s a rat. Fuck you, Clary.

She manages to get Simon out and starts hugging him, and Jace makes a comment about how that’s probably the closest Simon’s gotten to second base.

Rapier Twit: 4

Well Jace, it’s also a lot closer than you’re ever likely to get without money changing hands. A lot of money.

Clary’s still trying to fake giving a damn about Simon, and tells them to get Bane to fix it. Jace makes a joke about how Simon looks better as a rodent.

Rapier Twit: 5

There’s only two good things that come out of this “joke” – first, Clary finally calls Jace what he is (a bastard), and second, Simon tries to bite said bastard.

Everyone starts jumping on the “Isabelle is a bitch” wagon when Jace tells her to find Bane. Even the narration gets in on it, describing her as “petulant.”

Jace more-or-less gives the same excuse that the narration has been giving about how this whole thing is her fault, but refers to Simon as “the mundane,” which only now gets Clary to wonder why they almost never call him by his name. Except for Isabelle. And yet she’s the one who gets bashed the most. Kinda makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

Clary really does have brain damage.

Isabelle rightly points out that the only reason Jace is faking concern is to get into Clary’s pants, but Clary gives no shits, and blames Isabelle once again.

“I can’t believe she let you drink that blue drink,” Clary said to rat-Simon. “Now you see what you get for being so shallow.”

Bitch: 6

Because clearly this is all Isabelle’s fault, because Simon is just so stupid. And you’re one to talk about being shallow, Clary. Pot, meet kettle.

Bane shows back up, takes one look at Simon, and says there’s no point in using a spell to change him back. Jace, being an asshole, is unduly pleased with this pronouncement. Clary, on the other hand, is pissed. Then Bane explains that the transformation will wear off in a few hours, and using another spell to change Simon back would probably do more harm than good.

But Clary insists that Bane should help them, so he pulls out his ultimate trump card – he doesn’t work for free, and Clary can’t afford his services. Clary tries to argue that she can’t just carry a rat around on the subway, but Bane’s had enough of her shit and leaves.

Clary’s upset, Isabelle voices my opinion of the “plots” of the last four chapters, and Alec points out the bleeding obvious: Clary has a backpack, just put Simon in there. And thus the real reason for why Clary had to bring her backpack is revealed – so she’d have a convenient way to carry rat-Simon around. I’d consider this good writing if it weren’t so damn stupid.

That done, we get another yet another wonderful conversation wherein Jace demonstrates that he’s a sociopathic asshole:

[Simon] curled up atop [Clary’s] wallet, looking reproachful. “I’m sorry,” she said miserably.
“Don’t bother,” Jace said. “Why mundanes always insist on taking responsibility for things that aren’t their fault is a mystery to me. You didn’t force that cocktail down his idiotic throat.”
“If it weren’t for me, he wouldn’t have been here at all,” Clary said in a small voice.
“Don’t flatter yourself. He came because of Isabelle.”

God, I hate these two. Of course Jace doesn’t understand why people would feel sorry for things they didn’t do – he doesn’t feel sorry for the things he does, so why should anyone else?

And no, Clary’s not getting off either, because 90% of the time she hasn’t spared a single thought for Simon, so this whole thing feels like her begging to be pitied and told it’s not her fault. Well fuck that – yes, Clary, this is your fault. You’re the reason everyone else came to this party, you’re the reason Simon got involved with these assholes in the first place, and I’d be willing to bet that you’re the reason for most of the problems in Simon’s life, because if it weren’t for you, he’d probably have hooked up with that blonde girl back in chapter three.

Sorry, I just hate it when Sues (or their authors) have to somehow turn everything back around to them.

They start for the door, and they pass by a group of drunk vampires, and yes, their drink of choice was Bloody Marys, with real blood.

Rapier Twit: 6

I don’t care if that was supposed to be a joke or not, it was still stupid.

The vamps are complaining about their bikes, and rightly so, but Bane says they need to be gone by morning. And at this point Bane’s had enough, and promptly decides that the party’s over. Considering all the crap he’s been put through since Jace showed up, I can’t blame him.

They bump into another vampire on the way out who flirts a bit with Clary. This gets Jace pissed, and he tries to shut this guy down, but the vamp is entirely unimpressed. Bane makes a comment about vampires being prima donas (yeah, vampires are the prima donas here), and we find out that his cat’s name is Chairman Meow.

Rapier Twit: 7

CC, that might have been cute when you were in high school, but now it’s a stupid reference that’s going to go right over you’re intended audience’s head like a 747.

We get one last good bit from Bane before things go to hell:

“You on your way out?”
Jace nodded. “Don’t want to overstay our welcome.”
“What welcome?” Magnus asked. “I’d say that it was a pleasure to meet you, but it wasn’t.”

And then CC promptly ruins everything nice about Bane by having him hit on Alec. Who is, let me remind you, about sixteen.

Just before they leave, Bane pulls Clary aside and tells her that her mom didn’t want her getting involved with all this, and if it meant Clary would be safe, she wouldn’t want to be rescued. And, big surprise, that Jocelyn wasn’t on the run from werewolves, or warlocks, or faeries, but from Shadowhunters.

And this would be an interesting bit of information, if CC had actually had the ovaries to follow through and had the Shadowhunters be more morally ambiguous, instead of making them more or less the undisputed good guys, despite all the evidence indicating that they are, at best, the Stalin to Valentine’s Hitler.

One scene break later, and they’re outside.

Random Scene Break: 1

We get a two sentence description of what Jace is doing – leaning against a wall, yet again. For comparison, Alec get’s half a sentence, and Isabelle one and a half. Really demonstrates CC’s priorities.

And the only reason Isabelle get’s a whole sentence to herself is to point out that she’s visibly upset about what’s happened to Simon. Which of course pisses Clary off, because Simon’s her not-boyfriend!

Bitch: 7

So wait, five minutes ago you were mad at her and saying its all Isabelle’s fault, and now Clary’s mad that she feels bad? Can CC not maintain her self-insert’s motivation for longer than one scene? And really, Clary’s quite clearly just mad that Isabelle’s the center of attention. Want proof? Observe:

Clary was the one who had the right to be carrying on, not the Shadowhunter girl.

Jace once again “unhitches” from the wall and comes over to Clary.

Weird Word Choice: 4

Seriously, does he have a hook on his back or something?

They start heading off. Isabelle is once again the most three-dimensional, and is fishing for some comforting words from her brother. Too bad her brother’s Alec, who is currently tied for second-place with Clary for not caring about Simon (Jace is in first place, if you’re curious), so he can’t be bothered to give a shit. And he apparently finds it odd that his sister actually cares about someone she’s only known for only two days.

I’m starting to wonder if sociopathy is a Shadowhunter cultural trait, with Isabelle and Valentine on opposite ends of the bell curve.

Their conversation somehow segues into whether Alec is attracted to Bane, because CC sucks at transitions.

And apropos of nothing, Clary decides to check her bag. It’s open, and Simon’s gone. Jace takes a look at the bag and notices that the bag was ripped open. Now, I’ve ripped stuff in the past, and it’s not exactly silent. Makes you wonder how Clary missed it happening. Then again, she has apparently suffered brain damage, so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised.

For some reason, Jace tells Alec and Isabelle to go on without them, rather than telling them what happened. Why does he do this? Well, mostly it’s another contrived excuse to get Clary and Jace alone yet again. We’ll see why in a few chapters.

They head back to Bane’s apartment and buzz his room. Bane does a halfway decent impression of the Wizard of Oz until Jace mentions he’s one of the Shadowhunters. Bane asks if he’s “the one with the blue eyes,” and Clary helpfully clarifies that Bane’s talking about Alec.

No Shit Sherlock: 2

Somehow I find it hard to believe that Jace needs to be told that Alec has blue eyes. Then again, he’s an narcissistic dick, so he might not have noticed. Case in point:

“No. My eyes are usually described as golden,” Jace told the intercom. “And luminous.”

Weird Word Choice: 5

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Eyes should be described as “luminous” is if they’re actually glowing. And I personally would view a character with glowing eyes as someone to run from, not swoon over, CC.

Bane’s not happy about them returning, but lets them in anyway. We get a random scene-let concerning Bane’s cat (because that was just so damn important) before Bane has to force the plot-train back on the rails. They tell him that Simon’s missing, Bane calls Simon stupid, which pisses Clary off because only she, Jace, and Alec get to belittle Simon, and Jace gives Simon a backhanded complement:

“It’s true,” Jace agreed. “He just looks dim-witted. Really his intelligence is quite average.”

Rapier Twit: 8

Says the guy who doesn’t know about the Internet. Jace, just because he doesn’t know what you know doesn’t make him stupid. Plus, Simon at least has some initiative. If Clary hadn’t dragged your ass back to her apartment back in chapter six, you would probably would have spent the last two days playing with your knives and jerking off. Probably at the same time.

We explain again how Clary somehow managed to miss a guy tearing open her book bag, and Bane is once again awesome because his initial response is essentially to go “How is this my problem?”

But the plot won’t move unless he cooperates, so they flatter him a bit and he tells them that he saw one of the vampires carrying a rat on his way out.

(Sidebar: For some reason, Bane keeps referring to vampires as “Night’s Children,” and earlier he called werewolves “Moon’s Children.” It’s annoying, because it sounds fucking pretentious and makes me think that they’re just a bunch of Otherkin or something, which is just sad. And pathetic.)

Jace starts pestering Bane to be a good little stool-pigeon and give up the location of the vampires’ lair, but Bane ain’t no rat (that would be Simon rimshot).

Sorry, I had to.

Meanwhile, Clary is busy wondering why a vampire might want to steal her rat. Bane has to spell out to her that they probably believed that she was a Shadowhunter, and thought that Simon was her pet, and that it would be funny to kill him because pets aren’t covered by the Accords.

No Shit Sherlock: 3

So hey, we learned something about the Accords: killing pets does not qualify as a violation. Which doesn’t bode well for Simon, but Bane gives zero fucks.

But the prospect of killing something has been made, so Jace won’t give up on hunting down the vampires, and he continues to pester Bane for their location. It goes about as well as expected.

Then Clary wades in and says that, since Bane messed with her memories, he owes her. Rather than pointing out that he was getting paid to do that, and by Clary’s own mom, Bane caves and gives them the location – the Hotel Dumont. Which for some reason Jace knows the location of.

Sure, fine, whatever.

Clary goes one step further and asks if Bane has a handy portal they can use. Thankfully, he doesn’t; seems that there are only two portals in all of New York (this will be important later), and both of them are too far out of the way for their needs.

Jace imposes one more time before Bane can give them the boot by asking if there’s a holy place nearby. Bane assumes it’s so he can pray, but that’s not it; Shadowhunters use religious sites as weapons caches. Which I can kinda see making sense, if they ever acknowledged the existence of some form of higher power.

Bane tells him there’s a Catholic church nearby, and slams the door on their faces, like he should have done in the first place, which ends this chapter.

It’s kinda hard for me to wrap this one up. I mean, what really happened? Clary looked at a book, acted like a horrible shrew to Isabelle, somehow managed to lose track of her “best friend,” and harangued a gay wizard into telling her where a group of vampires hang out. I just summed up a good twenty-ish pages of text in under forty words.

And the worst part is that everything resulting from Simon being transformed into a rat will have no real bearing on the overall plot. That’s right – this whole incident, which lasts around two and a half chapters and more than forty pages, does nothing to advance the plot of this book, namely stopping Valentine and rescuing Clary’s mom.

That’s all I’ve got for now. Postings might get a little less frequent, as I’m now doing Camp NaNoWriMo, but I’ll try to keep working on this.

Counts:

Weird Word Choice: 5 (Total 62)
Rapier Twit: 8 (Total 34)
No Shit Sherlock: 3 (Total 24)
Plot Hole: 0 (Total 45)
Random Scene Break: 1 (Total 8)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 1 (Total 8)
Bitch: 7 (Total 14)

Comment [19]

Hur, hur. I c wut u did thar.

Rapier Twit: 1

Seriously, that’s a record – a count from the chapter’s title.

The chapter proper begins with our protagonists arriving at the church Bane told them about at the end of the previous chapter. It has a nice fence around it which is, unsurprisingly, locked. A fact that Clary feels the need to point out immediately after the narration mentions the nice big padlock.

No Shit Sherlock: 1

Two counts, and we’re only a paragraph is, folks!

But Jace pulls out his wand and goes to work on the lock, because that’s so much simpler than, I don’t know, hopping the fence like a normal person.

Oh, wait, here’s the reason – it gives Clary/CC another chance to ogle Jace.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Way to kill any sense of urgency, CC.

The lock falls to the ground, and it appears to have been melted. Jace, of course, is unduly proud of this. I’m going to go through this next bit a piece at a time.

The padlock hit the ground with a clang, a twisted lump of metal. Jace looked pleased with himself. “As usual,” he said, “I’m amazingly good at that.”

Jace, it doesn’t count if you destroy the lock in the process of picking it.

Clary felt suddenly annoyed. “When the self-congratulatory part of the evening is over, maybe we could get back to saving my best friend from being exsanguinated to death?”

Really Clary? Not two paragraphs ago you were swooning over the “swell of muscles” under his shirt. Or are you just now starting to realize that Jace is only attractive when he’s not speaking?

“Exsanguinated,” Jace said, impressed. “That’s a big word.”

CC, having your characters point out your thesaurus abuse doesn’t excuse it.

“And you’re a big-”
“Tsk, tsk,” he interrupted. “No swearing in church.”

Well, I’m not in a church, so I’ll just say what we’re all thinking – Jace, you’re a narcissistic dick. Please do the universe a favor and go fuck yourself in the ass with a chainsaw. That’s on fire.

They walk up to the church’s doors, and only now does Clary consider that breaking into a church is morally iffy at best. But only the church itself, it seems, as she’s perfectly alright with breaking into church property.

We get an oddly detailed description of Jace’s hand as he puts it on the door

Both Hand’s, Ma’am: 2

and he gives the Super Secret Shadowhunter Password, and the doors open.

I know they aren’t technically breaking in, but they are still gaining access to the building by means that aren’t, strictly speaking, legal. So, no, just because Jace didn’t melt the lock, I’m still calling it breaking and entering. Congratulations, CC – you’re heroes are felons twice over.

Blah blah, they go inside. It seems Clary’s never been inside a church before, because all her points of reference are from entertainment. CC tries to gain some nerd cred by mentioning that a scene from one of Clary’s favorite animes was in a church, but I won’t bite because CC lacks either the conviction or the knowledge to just say that Clary likes Hellsing.

Too little too late, CC. Clary’s a mono-dimensional self-insert and we all know it.

We then get a conversation covering all that again, minus the anime stuff. Because Clary doesn’t want to look like a nerd or anything in front of Jace.

Jace then proceeds to give a mini-lecture on church architecture. Am I supposed to be impressed by this? And then he starts poking around the alter looking for those weapons they came for. Clary asks if the Shadowhunters have a special deal with the Catholic Church, but Jace says that, since demons are a world-wide threat, Shadowhunters use pretty much any religious site as storehouses for weapons.

This conversation also contains more world building fail on CC’s part. Jace pretty much says that Greek daemons, Persian devas, Hindu asuras, and Japanese oni are all different terms for the same thing. Oh, the problems with this.

First, daemons are more or less nature spirits in Greco-Roman mythology. And they’re actually pretty nice, at least as far as Greco-Roman mythology goes.

Second, devas aren’t Persian, or at least not just Persian. Because they’re also Hindu, where they are, again, nature spirits. And the asuras are spirits of moral/social constructs, like marriage. It’s only later that asuras become evil. Conversely, in Persian/Zoroastrian belief, devas become evil, while the asuras/ahuras are good.

(Full disclosure: all my information about devas and asuras comes from wikipedia, so if anyone knows more about Hindu beliefs regarding them, feel free to correct me. /Ignorant White Guy)

So, yeah. Looks like CC skimmed around a couple mythologies, said “these are bad/evil spirits” and decided to say they’re the same as demons, without bothering to look into the context. Or, in the case of the daemons, picked a word that sounded similar.

Oh, and apart from “daemons,” the other terms are italicized for no reason.

Weird Word Choice: 3

Plot Hole: 3

Also, all these various religions “assist” the Shadowhunters by letting them stash weapons in their places of worship. How they managed to set this up for religions outside of Europe is never gone into.

Plot Hole: 4

So after poking around for fie minutes, Jace finally finds the stash. What’s in there? You’re basic monster hunting kit: holy water, blessed knives (both steel and silver), electrum wire, silver bullets, protective charms, and religious paraphernalia including crosses and Stars of David.

A quick point – why is some of this stuff kept in a hidden alcove? I mean, I haven’t been in many Catholic churches, but don’t they usually have a font near the front door full of holy water? Why not just fill up there? Same for the religious apparel – these things aren’t hard to find, so why keep them in there?

Clary responds to all this stuff with an exclamation of, “Jesus.”

Which Jace makes a joke about.

“I doubt he’d fit.”

Rapier Twit: 2

Dude. Your in a church. Have some decorum.

Clary makes the same point I just did, but Jace brushes it of by saying that, hey, he’s not a believer, so that makes it okay.

Um, no, no it doesn’t. I don’t care that you’re the only ones there, but making that joke is disrespectful to the institution and the religion behind it. I’m not a Muslim, but I wouldn’t make a joke about Mohammed in a mosque, even if it was empty. You know why? BECAUSE I’M NOT A SOCIOPATH!

Clary has a brief moment where she fawns over Jace’s hair (Uh, Clary? Remember Simon? Exsanguination? No?)

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

and then points out that the existence of demons kind of implies the existence of God/angels, or some similar being, as has been mentioned before. Or at least it would, if this setting’s cosmology wasn’t all fucked up.

And Jace’s argument for being an atheist, or at least an agnostic, pretty reasonable – he’s seen demons, fought them, and even killed them (and yes, he has kept count – over five hundred). But in all that time, he’s never seen an angel, nor has he met anyone who has. Clary points out that, according to Shadowhunter lore, they were created by an angel (never mind the warlock that summoned the angel; he was just a filthy Downworlder, after all), but Jace shrugs that off as a story.

Now, I’ve seen this kind of thing done in other urban fantasies, specifically the Dresden Files series and the TV show Supernatural. In both works, the existence of demons was established, but for a while no one gave any kind of word on whether angels were real in those settings. And both works did eventually establish that angels did in fact exist.

But here’s the critical difference between those series and this one – in both the Dresden Files and Supernatural, the angels tended to be very hands off with regards to our world , or at least more focused on events at a more cosmic level.

Here? One of them literally came down from on high to create these people. It’s part of their lore, their history. It’s only been a thousand years. Was no one keeping records at the time? Or were all the first generation Shadowhunters illiterate peasants?

And it’s not as if Jace provides an alternate explanation for how the Shadowhunters came into being. Does he just assume they randomly popped into existence in the middle of the Low Countries?

On top of all that, it’s implied that holy ground and sacred symbols have some kind of influence over demons/Downworlders. A few chapters ago, you wrecked a vampire’s demonic motorcycle by pouring holy water into the gas tank. Doesn’t all that kind of imply that there’s something behind all this stuff?

Plot Hole: 5

For some random reason, Clary decides to obsess Jace’s lack of religious conviction, but doesn’t bring up any of the points I mentioned above (they’ve completely forgotten about Simon at this point), and Jace gives us some more of his crappy back story.

Turns out his father really gung ho about fighting Downworlders. Jace even gets a bit of Latin right for once, claiming that his father’s motto was “Deus volt” or “God wills it,” just like the Crusaders. But when Papa Wayland got shanked, baby Jace came to the conclusion that either God doesn’t exist, or that He just doesn’t care.

Aw, boo hoo. Your daddy got killed, so you lost all faith in a higher power. How very Hollywood of you. And I hate to break it to you, Jace, but from what we’ve learned about your dad, he was kind of a sick bastard. The whole “Deus volt” thing adds just that hint of religious fanaticism to him to make him really creepy.

Gee, who else have we heard of that has an almost zealous hatred of Downworlders? Ah, never mind. I’m sure it’ll come to me later.

Scene break and they’re on the subway. They haven’t said anything the whole trip, and Clary’s just so worried about Simon. I’d feel more for her if I wasn’t convinced that I could jangle my keys in her face and make her forget about her so-called best friend.

They get off the train and wander around a bit before reaching their destination – the hotel’s all boarded up and abandoned, and someone painted on the sign, changing it from “Dumont” to “Dumort.” And thus we are given our chapter title. At least this time it’s appropriate.

Jace points out the stupid joke, and because CC seems to understand the intelligence of her audience, Clary explains it. Turns out “du mort” is French for “of death.”

No Shit Sherlock: 2

Considering that we’ll soon learn that this is probably a Hispanic neighborhood, that’s just stupid.

Clary starts to point out that the building is condemned, but even she’s not stupid enough to think that vampires would hang out in a normal hotel. Instead, she asks how they get inside. The answer is (derp) that they fly in.

Her brain overtaxed by all this hard work, Clary points out that, hey, they can’t fly. Jace’s explains that they’re going to break in and starts heading around to the back. Well, they’ve already broken into a church tonight, why not a condemned hotel?

Clary starts to get a little hot n’ bothered by Jace’s gung ho attitude, and remembers that he’s got the record for most demon fatalities in his age group. You know, I remember hearing once that insanity might be genetic. That would explain so much here. That and the brain damage.

Jace actually has to explain to Clary to stay out of the light from a nearby hose, what with it being four in the morning and them trying to break into an abandoned building, along with not looking up, because that might alert any vamps watching from the upper levels of the hotel. You know, they’re probably going to figure out what you’re doing anyway, so why bother?

They head down the alley, and Clary notices that there are a lot of small bones in among the typical debris of an alley in New York. It’s a nice detail, and deserving of a better book. One where the main characters are actually interesting. They get to the back, but that’s just as impregnable as the front. Jace points out that any deliveries from when the building was actually a hotel would have been brought to the back, so there has to be a way in. This gets Clary thinking about various places she’s seen getting deliveries on her way to school, and how said places tend to have doors leading below street level for deliveries.

Except there’s a problem with this – all those places have service entrances at the front of the building, not the back. Hence why the service entrances lead underground. Of course, I could be wrong, but it seems a bit pointless to have doors leading down at the back of a building.

But logic has no place in CC land, so Clary shares her supposedly brilliant revelation, and speculates that the vamps might have hidden the service doors under the copious piles of garbage. Jace is hesitant to start moving the dumpster and digging through trash, because then he might get dirty. Oh, he says something about maggots, but that just comes across as him being even more prissy. He starts telling another story about one of the many demons he’s killed, when this happens:

“Don’t.” Clary raised a warning hand. “I’m not really in the mood right now.”
“That’s got to be the first time a girl’s ever said that to me,” Jace mused.
“Stick with me and it won’t be the last.”

Rapier Twit: 4

One for both of them. Jace, it doesn’t count if you paid the girl beforehand, and Clary, you’ve done everything except hump his leg almost from the minute you woke up at the Institute. In short: I hate you both. Please die in a fire.

Because CC needs to pad out her word count some more (God knows why), they start arguing over whether they should tip the dumpster over or try rolling it out of the way. This continues until a random Latino kid stumbles on to them. The kid immediately deduces that they aren’t from that neighborhood. Considering that Jace looks like he should be in advertisements for the Hitler Youth and Clary’s a frikkin’ ginger, I can only assume our Latino friend has at least a functioning brain stem, putting him above most of our cast in terms of intelligence.

Jace admits that they are, while still being prepared to pull a knife or whatever on the kid. Normally, I’d consider this caution bordering on paranoia, but this is Jace we’re talking about. Latino boy tells them the blatantly obvious – they shouldn’t be here, because this place is dangerous. Which Clary decides to explain further.

He means it’s a bad neighborhood.

No Shit Sherlock: 3

Gee, ya think? Did you expect the condemned hotel inhabited by a gang of biker vampires to be in a nice neighborhood?

Clary tries to cover for them, claiming that they’re lost. The Latio Wonder then asks why they were trying to move the dumpster. And it’s at this point that Clary goes “Oh, crap,” because she sucks at making up lies while under pressure. Then why did you lie like ten seconds ago?

Plot Hole: 6

CC, making up character traits on-the-fly only works during the first draft.

Luckily, Jace has absolutely no problems coming up with a story. Unfortunately, his story doesn’t line up with Clary’s. What’s his reason for moving the dumpster? They were looking for a way into the hotel.

You know, I’ve heard that the best lies are the ones with a little bit of truth, but this is just idiotic.

Latino Heat swears in Spanish (guess CC learned something thing from watching Joss Whedon shows), and asks why they’d do something stupid like that.

Jace’s answer? For fun.

The Latino kid tries to convince them to go back to the subway, even offering to lead them there for protection, but Jace is having none of it. And Jace apparently has psychic detective powers, because he’s somehow managed to deduce that our new friend is working for the vampires. The Latino guy tries to play dumb, but Jace doesn’t buy it. They posture at each other for a bit, and we finally get a name for our latest character – Raphael.

I’m tempted to make a Ninja Turtles joke, but I won’t.

Raphael gives us the back story – the vampires have been living in the hotel since before it closed, and the whole neighborhood knows. But they can’t do anything, because no one would believe them.

This would actually be a good setup for a story. Unfortunately, it also makes the Shadowhunters look like they’re either incompetent or lazy. Two chapters ago, Jace said Shadowhunters were willing to condone mind rape as a means of maintaining the Masquerade, but now they can’t be bothered to tell a bunch of vampires to keep things on the down low. The fucking Volturi are better at maintaining secrecy than this. At least they make threats (which they pretty much never follow up on, but still).

Plot Hole: 7

CC just made me praise Stephenie Meyer’s writing. Think about that for a minute.

Jace decides to interrogate Raphael some more. Turns out some of his buddies tried to pull a Lost Boys on the vamps, but didn’t make it out. See what I said about this being a good premise? I’d rather read a book about them than this crap.

Raphael tries to warn them off again, but Clary tells him that Simon’s inside, and Jace whips out his not-lightsaber and says he knows how to kill vampires. Raphael is all impressed, and says that he’s heard about about people like Jace.

Goddammit, why is there even a Masquerade at this point?

Clary spouts off that “all stories are true” line of bullshit, just to piss me off some more. Raphael says he wants to go in with them, but Jace puts the kibosh on that, so Raphael shows them how the guys from earlier got in – a loose grate in the ground.

Jace dives through in a very purple manner,

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4

and Clary soon follows after, with Jace catching her.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 5

They’re in what looks like a basement, and they start poking around a bit, when Raphael drops in on them. Jace gets pissed, but Raphael doesn’t care, and points out that he can’t go back and Jace can’t leave him there. In a surprising show of restraint, Jace admits he can’t, though he is, “thinking about it.”

Personally, I’d prefer to take my chances with the vampires.

Raphael takes the lead, and we get this wonderful comment from Jace:

“I’m really starting to hate mundanes,” he said.

Wait, you mean you didn’t hate them already? Like, you were actually being nice to Simon? Jesus, man, you make pre-near-death experience Belkar Bitterleaf look nice.

Scene break and they’ve explored most of the basement. Seems that the vamps have destroyed most of the staircases, making it difficult for people who can’t fly to move between floors. And Clary can’t seem to grasp this fact.

Seriously, the whole “brain damage” thing is looking more and more plausible by the minute.

They manage to find an intact set of stairs and head up to the main floor. Along the way, Clary stirs up some dust, making her cough. Raphael tells her to keep quiet, because the vampires are close. Clary asks how he knows, and is also offended at being told to be quiet, because how dare someone other than Jace order her around! Look:

[Raphael] wasn’t even supposed to be here. What gave him the right to lecture her about noise?

Bitch: 1

Maybe the fact that you’re the one making the most noise?

Anyway, Raph tells them that he can just sense the vampires, but all Clary feels is cold. I’d say this would have interesting implications, but I know what’s coming.

They reach the lobby, and it’s empty. There’s an exhaustive description of the place, including Clary mentally comparing a broken stairway to the works of René Magritte. Having just looked at some of his works online, I somehow doubt that CC has ever seen any of his work.

First of all, Magritte was a surrealist, not an abstract artist, despite what CC claims here. That took me about ten seconds on wikipedia to find out. And it’s not like surrealist art is really similar to abstract art. CC, you fail. Doubly so, because it makes Clary, who’s supposed to have art be her “thing” look stupid.

The sight of this prompts Clary to just ask what’s up with the stairs. Jace tells her exactly what I said above – they don’t need them, so they tear them apart. Raphael says it’s sort of a way for the vampires to mark the hotel as their territory.

For some reason, Jace asks if Raphael’s ever actually seen a vampire. He gives a pretty standard description of vampires in modern fiction. And Clary, mistress of stating the blindingly obvious, asks where the frikkin’ vampires are. Jace says that, unlike most modern vampires, CC’s vampires are like bats, and sleep high up. The Lost Boys vibes are getting pretty strong. I just hope a half-senile senior citizen ends up driving through the wall in a truck with giant stakes strapped to the hood.

Clary and Raphael both look up at the same time, but since this isn’t a cheap horror film, the vampires don’t immediately drop down on them. Much to my dismay. Clary notices a scar on Raphael’s neck, but doesn’t think anything of it. This will be important very soon, and it will also make Clary look stupid. I mean, more so than she already does.

Clary says she’s feeling a bit exposed standing in the middle of the lobby and opts for going back to the service stairs. Jace agrees, and there’s a sudden scream. Raphael’s disappeared, and Jace and Clary go looking for him.

They find Raphael’s in another large room, but that’s all. Making this whole bit entirely pointless. Jace tells Raph that they’re going back to the stairs to go up to the next floor, and Raph agrees. He takes the lead, and then Jace chucks a knife into Raphael’s chest.

Clary is shocked by this. I would be too, except I actually pay attention to how Jace behaves. See, not everyone buys into Beauty Equals Goodness, CC.

But this isn’t the real world, so it’s quickly revealed that Raphael isn’t what he appears to be, what with him pulling the knife out instead of bleeding out on the floor. Yep, turns out that Raphael is actually a vampire. And since this is crap fiction, he starts talking to Jace rather than, you know, just attacking him.

It seems Jace thought Raph was a vampire from the minute he showed up, only doubting it when Raph didn’t attack them once they were in the hotel, but switched back again when Raph didn’t leave any tracks from the lobby. Plus, there’s the scar on his throat from the crucifix around his neck. Now, one could say this is proof that Jace is a half-way decent detective, but this is Jace we’re talking about, so I’m just going to chalk this up as him being a paranoid psycho.

More random, stupid exposition. We’re just over half-way through the book, and CC is still explaining things. During a supposedly tense scene. Why didn’t Raph just attack them in the ally? Because that would have been a violation of the stupid obscure rules these people follow. But once Jace and Clary were inside the hotel, the vamps were free to kill them. This is an incredibly stupid rule, for obvious reasons – namely, they’re pretty much killing a cop, or a foreign national. Just because they’re “in your territory” doesn’t mean there won’t be reprisals for this.

But CC needed to find a way to force in another action scene, so that’s what we get.

Clary puts together that Raphael was one of the guys who tried to wipe out the vamps. She might take a while, but she gets there eventually.

Raph congratulates them for being so “clever,” but points out that they also forgot one important thing, and tells them to look up. Jace doesn’t take his eyes of Raphael, but tells Clary to look.

Pop quiz, people! What critical piece of information could our heroes have forgotten to account for during this little exposition dump? You have 30 seconds to come up with an answer.

…

…

…

BZZT! Time’s up. If you said that they’re currently standing in a frikkin’ vampire lair, congratulations! You are more intelligent than a Cassandra Clare character. Which isn’t really much of an accomplishment, what with the bar being set so low. Still, it’s higher than 80’s Slasher Movie character.

Yep. Those vampires that were suspiciously absent before? They’re here now. Raphael somehow managed to call them, and they’ve set up a little ambush for our heroes. This would be an impressive accomplishment if our heroes were, say, competent.

Raphael points out that Jace and Clary are outnumbered several dozen times over, but Jace still has to be talked down by Clary. See, she has a plan!

I’d take Private Baldrick over Clary Fray any day of the week.

So, what is her brilliant plan to get them out of this? To take Raphael hostage. We’ll get to the huge gaping flaw in this plan momentarily.

Even Jace thinks this is a dumb idea, but as its the only other option, he decides to go along with it. Jace lifts Raphael up (when did they walk over to him?)

Plot Hole: 8

and holds a knife to his back. Clary tells the vamps to back off, but they laugh at her.

And now we get to the problem with this plan. Well, several actually.

First, Clary is assuming that vampires would care about one of their fellows being threatened. These are soulless, bloodsucking creatures of the night. Somehow I doubt they’d be all that bothered if you kill one of them.

I suppose that’s not entirely true, as it brings us to the second problem: killing a somewhat innocent vampire, especially on their own turf, is a monumentally stupid idea. “Starting a war” level stupid. Even if Raphael isn’t killed, a pair of Shadowhunters have entered their home and threatened one of them for no apparent reason.

Third is the fact that it’s Clary and Jace behind this. The former is a sixteen-year-old wisp of a girl who couldn’t intimidate a kitten. The latter is a borderline sociopathic man-child with daddy issues. Larry, Moe, and Curly have better chances of pulling this off.

But Clary is the author’s self-insert Sue, so of course one of the vamps recognizes them from the party and tells the others that Clary and Jace are Shadowhunters, so they’ll totally do it, guys.

We get a description of one of the vampires (Asian girl), followed by this:

Clary wondered if there were any ugly vampires, or any fat ones. Maybe they didn’t make vampires out of ugly people. Or maybe ugly people didn’t want to live forever.

…

I need a minute.

…

Okay, CC? In all seriousness, that is one of the most horrible, insensitive, and shallow things I have ever read. That is Twilight-level shallow. “Maybe ugly people didn’t want to live forever”? Really? That is most definitely not okay. It is not funny in any way, shape, or form. It is offensive, and shows a profound lack of basic human empathy.

Now, in a certain context, said by a certain character, saying something like that could be a little funny. But this is your self-insert thinking this. Which tells me that you might have thought, or even believe this. And because of that, I now have reason to suspect that you are truly a horrible, horrible person. I’ve certainly made jokes at your expense, but those are directed at you as an author. You might be a bad author, while still being a nice person, and vice versa. But This? This has me wondering about you as a person.

This woman has published nine novels, people, with more on the way. People actually purchase her books and enjoy them.

I’m going to need another minute.

…

Alright. Well, if nothing else, we now have a prime example of Sturgeon’s Revelation in action.

So, back to this so-called plot. The vamp from before that… digression points out that Clary and Jace are on their territory, so by the idiotic rules this society operates on, they’re free game. Plus, Shadowhunters have killed plenty of vampires, so turnabout is fair play.

But this is logical, and logic has no place in Clare-land. Jace asks to see their leader. The smart vampire tries to point out that Jace doesn’t have a leg to stand on, but gets shot down by the one from the party. Turns out that the head vampire is off in Shadowhunter Land. Jace asks to see the second in command.

And irony of ironies, Raphael is the second in command.

Of course he is. If he wasn’t, then this moronic plan wouldn’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell of working.

Clary offers a trade – Raphael for Simon. They’re a bit surprised to find out that Simon was turned into a rat, but it turns out that one of the vamps mistook Simon for one of their buddies. Also, Simon bit the vampire several times. Go Simon. And said vampire is entirely willing to just give Simon back, no muss, no fuss.

Stated like that it almost makes this whole series of events seem stupid and pointless.

But smart vamp stops the exchange, pointing out that there’s nothing to stop Jace from killing Raphael once Clary has Simon. She seems to be the only smart one. Why isn’t she in charge?

Clary says that they’ll promise not to hurt Raphael, but Lily (the smart vampire) wants them to super-duper-pinky swear. Jace is hesitant. Observe:

“Swearing for us isn’t like it is for you mundanes,” he snapped back angrily. “I’ll be bound forever to any oath I make.”
“Oh, yeah? What would happen if you broke it?”
“I wouldn’t break it, that’s the point-”

Okay, first? Could you please decide whether Clary is a mundane or not?

More importantly, why is this such a big deal? Yes, in Harry Potter, there was the Unbreakable Vow. Except that has very clear and explained consequences for breaking it – namely, death.

Another example: in the Dresden Files universe, wizards and other supernatural beings will sometimes swear on or by their power. The meaning here is that, if they violate that promise, they will no longer be able to use their abilities.

Here? There’s certainly similar implications, but it just looks like an honor thing.

Whatever. The vamps push for Clary and Jace to swear not to hurt Raphael, and Clary says she swears. But Lily, again proving that she’s the only one in the room with a functioning brain, wants them to do it properly.

Jace, being an idiot, tells the vampires to go first. There’s some back and forth to CC can pad out her word count a bit more, and the vamps defer to Raphael. Having not been lobotomized, he agrees with Lily.

Jace moves to stab his hostage (wonderful negotiating skills there), and we get a description of his muscles moving under his shirt.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 6

CC, just get a frikkin’ vibrator. Hell, glue a picture of Tom Felton on it if makes you happy.

Jace points out that Simon is just a mundane, threatening them with the full force of the Law

but Raphael counters that Simon technically trespassed on their territory. Yes, it’s a technicality, but who gives a shit. And then he starts monologing again.

Seems someone pointed out to CC that the whole plot with Valentine seems to have dropped off the radar, so Raphael gets to cram that back in. Yes, the Downworlders know that Valentine is back, and that he’s going to tear down the whole moronic system. He’s the one behind the gatorpede at Clary’s apartment, and the not-Hulk. And Raphael is just so damn giddy about the whole thing.

Plot Hole: 9

So, did CC totally forgot that not!Voldemort planned to kill all the Downworlders? Because this would make sense if, say, Valentine were trying to lead them in an uprising or something. As is, this just makes no damn sense.

Also, this is tremendously bad writing. The audience has probably already figured out that Valentine was behind all of that stuff, so having some random mook explain all of it is just dumb.

But I guess actually having the heroes have to do actual work is just too boring, so we’ll just have the whole thing explained to them. That way CC can get back to the important stuff, like talking about Jace’s fingers or something.

Clary grabs Simon, but since CC has decided that she’s now a distressed damsel, she get’s mobbed. Jace, of course, leaps to her rescue.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 7

Just on principle.

Raphael almost manages to get the drop on Jace, but Simon proves that he’s a hundred times more heroic than Jace by leaping onto Raph and biting the vampire in the arm.

Based on that alone, I’m not entirely certain that he needed to be rescued in the first place.

Simon gets thrown off Raph’s arm but gets back to Clary, and they make a run for it. Or at least try to. They’re completely surrounded, so they’re pretty much screwed. Clary asks if they should stand back-to-back. Jace, possibly realizing that Clary’s about as useful as a screen-door on a submarine, says no, and asks why they would do that. Clary says that that’s what they do in movies when this sort of thing happens.

Rapier Twit: 5

That one’s for CC. This is really not the time for more of your Bad Comedy.

But since Clary referred to what’s going on as a “situation,” Jace comes back with this little gem:

“This isn’t a situation, okay? I save that for when things get bad.”

CC, this doesn’t make Jace look brave or skilled, it makes him look deluded. At this point, he and Clary are almost certainly going to die. You could generously call it “bad.” More accurately, you could call it “a clusterfuck.”

But authorial intervention once again rears its ugly head, because right as the vampires are about to attack and put both the characters and me out of our misery, the werewolves show up, ending the chapter. But first, we get this:

“Now this,” said Jace, “is a situation.”

Rapier Twit: 6

Ha. Fucking. Ha.

This whole damn chapter demonstrates more of the fanfic-ness of this book. The piss poor worldbuilding, the paragraphs of padding, the lazy writing, the bad, forced comedy, and topped off with a deus ex machina.

You know what I would have preferred? Clary and Jace go to the vampires’ lair, knock on the front door, and very nicely ask for Simon back. It might not have been very exciting, but it would have shown that Downworlders and Shadowhunters can in fact be civil to one another. Yes, there’s still tension between them, but they don’t have to be at each others’ throats all the time.

Speaking of, how exactly did the Shadowhunters manage to do any negotiating with the vampires in the first place if the vampires can kill anyone who enters their territory? And why would that kind of thing be allowed in the first place?

Yeah, CC (and many other writers, for that matter) could really have benefited from having a friend tell her when her ideas are stupid and don’t make sense.

On the upside, we have almost definitive proof that Simon is Too Awesome for this series. It’s hard to top attacking a vampire after you’ve been turned into a rat, but he still manages. And yet he still does. We’ll get to that later, though.

And as for… that line, I’m going to move on. However, I will add that to my ammunition to be used against anyone praising this series. Hopefully only as a Nuclear Option, though.

Well, July is over, so I can now turn to other projects, like this sporking. Things will hopefully get back on track. See you guys next time!

Counts:

Weird Word Choice: 3 (Total 65)
Rapier Twit: 6 (Total 39)
No Shit Sherlock: 3 (Total 27)
Plot Hole: 9 (Total 54)
Random Scene Break: 0 (Total 7)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 7 (Total 15)
Bitch: 1 (Total 15)

Comment [25]

This one’s pretty short compared to the last few chapters. Mostly because it’s wrapping up the “rescue Simon” subplot.

We pick up right where we left off – the wolves and vampires staring each other down like the Jets and the Sharks about to rumble. And it’s about as tense, too.

Raphael cements himself as both a pretentious douche and a horrible stereotype by calling the wolves “Los Niños de la Luna,” which CC helpfully informs us means “children of the moon,” which in turn means werewolves.

No Shit Sherlock: 2

Double because 1) I think we can figure out what the Spanish means, and 2) were we supposed to think they were normal wolves? Seriously, CC, I know you’re writing for a YA audience, but that doesn’t mean they’re stupid.

We then learn that CC has decided to follow the World of Darkness/Underworld trend and have the werewolves and vampires be mortal enemies, and that one group being in the others’ territory is strictly forbidden by Covenant law. Considering that we learned last chapter that it’s perfectly legal for vampires to kill anyone who enters their territory, this whole Covenant think kida sucks. I’m with Valentine – tear the whole thing down and start from scratch.

Jace goes on to inform us that something must have happened to cause the werewolves to do this, and that the current situation is very, very bad.

No Shit Sherlock: 4

Gee, ya think? CC, please stop explaining this kind of thing. When you do, it really kills the tension.

But Clary, having the IQ of a cucumber, has to have it explained that they’re “about to be in the middle of a war.”

No Shit Sherlock: 5

All that explaining suddenly makes sense – if Clary can’t figure this stuff out on her own, there’s no way the readers can. And considering that this series shares an audience with Twilight, that might not be entirely wrong.

CC finally gets back to the impending violence. And in true Meyer-esque fashion, it immediately turns to talking. One of the wolves shifts back, thankfully including clothes, and explains that they came for Clary. Jace swears and asks why Clary didn’t tell him she knew any werewolves. She tells him that she doesn’t. It appears that Jace has completely forgotten that, until a week ago, Clary didn’t know that any of this stuff existed. Nice to know that our hero has the memory of a goldfish.

And then we get this little exchange:

“This is bad,” said Jace.
“You said that before.”
“It seemed worth repeating.”
“Well, it wasn’t.” Clary shrank back against him. “_Jace_. They’re all looking at me.”

Rapier Twit: 1

I showed you that for two reasons.

First, the obvious bad comedy. Some writers/characters can do flippant during tense situations. Harry Dresden, for example. Buffy Summers or Angel, for another. This is not funny, because I keep reading Jace’s dialogue with this smug, self-satisfied tone. As if repeating the joke will just make it funnier.

Second is the fact that everything has literally ground to a halt while Clary and Jace had their conversation. The last chapter ended with a huge fight about to break out, and within pages all that tension has disappeared. That Westside Story reference I made back at the beginning? A dance-off would have been preferable to this.

Raphael pulls that idiotic rule about vampire territory, and it seems either CC realized that there was supposed to be a fight, or someone pointed it out to her, because the werewolves and vampires finally start going at it. If the five minutes of talking between the end of chapter 14 and now had been cut, I might still care.

While that’s going on, Clary and Jace are cowering in the corner doing absolutely nothing. Simon gets loose, leading to Clary chasing after him. Jace, predictably, doesn’t respond well to this.

“Clary, don’t chase the rat. He’s fleeing. That’s what rats do.”

There is no way to interpret that statement that makes Jace look good. If he means that Simon’s brain has been overridden by rat instincts, that’s clearly wrong. If he means “rat” in a metaphorical sense, then that’s also demonstrably false.

Clary calls Jace an “ungreatful cretin,” and continues after Simon.

Weird Word Choice: 1

I think you mean “arrogant douche,” Clary.

Simon runs up and starts pawing at some drapes. Clary moves them aside, revealing a door.

Let me make this clear: Simon has been turned into a rat, and he’s still more useful and heroic than Jace. Seriously, why is he not the hero?

Speaking of the asshole, Jace shows up and acts vaguely nonchalant about the whole thing. I think it’s a coping mechanism – he just can’t accept that he’s less awesome than a rat. Clary tries the door, but it doesn’t work. Jace then tries to break it down. It’s the most useful thing he’s done since entering the hotel in the first place. When the door does not immediately yield, he responds with this:

“My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.”

Rapier Twit: 2

Jace, given the small scale battle going on behind you, if you don’t get that door open, your shoulder is going to be the least of your worries. And CC, it really kills the tension if your characters are flirting while trying to flee for their lives.

They start to argue, only for one of the werewolves to attack Clary. Well, I guess CC did remember the fight going on.

Jace gets back to working at the door and Clary pulls her dagger and throws it at the wolf. The narration specifically tells us that she’s never even held a weapon before, let alone thrown one. Neither have I, but I’m fairly certain that hitting anything with a thrown weapon, let alone hitting anything correctly, is kinda hard. Especially if the weapon being thrown isn’t properly balanced for throwing, which I’m assuming Clary’s dagger isn’t.

In a realistic book, she’d miss, or the knife would hit wrong and bounce off harmlessly. But since Clary is the author’s self-insert sue, her throw is perfect, and the werewolf runs off.

Clary’s innate awesomeness having been established, Jace finally manages to get the door open. They run through just in time to escape another two werewolves chasing after them. Of course. Jace whips out his wand (not that wand, you pervs), and casts some locking spell on the door. And since Clary now has her innate Shadowhunter abilities have been unlocked, she now can read runes. And yes, CC insists on explaining what each rune looks like and exactly what it means in a faux old-timey style reminiscent of the Harry Potter books (compare: “to hold against pursuit” and “for use on enemies”). It is really annoying.

They start moving down the hall, eventually coming to an old, disused stairway. How… convenient that the vampires didn’t destroy this particular stairway. They start up, being sensible for once and going slowly. And then Jace’s little ward breaks, and the werewolves are after them again. Guess Jace isn’t as good at this stuff as he thinks. And so they begin running up the stairs.

Again, if this book were set in any way realistic, some of the old wooden stairs would break or collapse under their weight. But that doesn’t happen. Oh, CC tries to make it tense, but when it’s revealed that they manage to reach the fifth floor without being in any real danger, I become a bit skeptical.

And it turns out that this hotel only has five floors, because the sixth floor landing leads to the roof. The door locks behind them, and Jace puts together that this must be how the vampires enter the hotel.

No Shit Sherlock: 6

Clary goes to see if there’s a fire escape, and gets a bit of vertigo from being ten stories up.

Wait, ten stories? What? Oh, I see what I did wrong – I assumed each landing connected to a corresponding level. There were five landings connected to interior floors, and the sixth to the roof. Silly me, not knowing that CC pictured this stairway with landings on every other floor. It’s not like that sort of thing could easily be avoided by using terms like “eighth floor landing” instead of “fifth landing” like a sensible person. Did CC’s editor or proof-reader not catch this?

Whatever. The fire escape is a bust, because the vampires destroyed it.

Let me get this straight – the vampires destroyed all the stairs, because they don’t need them. They destroyed the fire escape, and most of the interior stairways. But not the one that leads directly to the roof.

Plot Hole: 1

Yeah, sure, that makes sense.

Then Jace comes up with a brilliant idea. Remember those demon motorcycles from a few chapters ago? The ones that can supposedly fly? They’re gonna steal one.

Just wait. It gets worse.

Clary thinks this is a stupid idea, what with him not even having keys for the things. Oh, but since the bikes run on demonic energies, he doesn’t need a key to start one. What kind of moon logic is that?

Fuck it. Moving on.

Clary hops on the back, and we get a description of her feeling Jace’s muscles under his shirt.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Werwolves? Vampires? What are you talking about?

Also, never before has the term “riding bitch” felt more appropriate.

The bike starts, and yet they don’t immediately get moving, because Jace is letting up on the choke. Even though the bike runs on demon power, not gas. Because CC has to artificially pump up the tension. The wolves and vampires break through the door just as the bike takes off over the edge of the roof.

And then Clary and Jace plummet to their deaths, because all those stories about demon motorcycles being able to fly were just that.

I wish.

Instead, we get a commercial break.

Random Scene Break: 1

The bike starts, and they fly off into the night. And we’ve finally come to the real reason for why Alec and Isabelle weren’t brought along on this little adventure – so CC can do her own version of Harry and Hermione’s flight from Prisoner of Azkaban. I wonder if she was a Harmonian?

Jace is, of course, having the time of his life. And while I can appreciate enjoying flying, he should be more focused on escaping. Because those vampires could chase after them on their own flying motorcycles.

Oh, wait, never mind. This is CC we’re talking about.

Clary makes a comment about how her mother riding off on a motorcycle with some guy (oh, now you remember that you have a mother), and Jace gives her this bit of reassurance:

“She wouldn’t say that if she knew me,” he called back to her confidently. “I’m an excellent driver.”

Rapier Twit: 3

Really, Jace? How exactly did you learn to drive? Because I’m fairly certain that the Institute doesn’t have any cars (they have to borrow a van later on), and I doubt you’re willing to interact with mundane society enough to get a license. And on top of all that, motorcycles require their own specialized license.

Next, Clary’s mom obviously wasn’t referring to her daughter’s safety. Your whole “I don’t know a damn thing about mundane society” schtick has passed annoying and become blindingly stupid.

And now we get more proof that Jace is both a sociopath and should not be left unsupervised. Clary remembers that Jace said that only some vampire motorcycles could fly, and asks how Jace knew that this one could fly. His answer? He didn’t!

Yep. This is the second time that Jace has unnecessarily put Clary’s life in danger. Oh, yes, both times she was already in danger, but Jace doesn’t seem to consider that what he’s willing to do might also kill her.

But of course, since Jace is suck a huge fucking Gary Stu, everything always works out fine in the end.

Also, note that we only ever learn this stuff after the fact. Almost as if CC didn’t think of it at the time.

And then Jace tells Clary she should look down, because the view is great. Yeah, he’s really an asshole.

We get a lengthy description of them flying over New York, with Clary getting a very brief case of vertigo, giving her an excuse to clutch at Jace even more.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Also, for having such a terrible fear of heights, Clary is remarkably unfazed for being so high up with nothing below her but a magical motorcycle, if the narration is any indicator.

Plot Hole: 2

They start heading east, and once again Simon is the only one that’s really aware of what’s going on. Namely, that the sun is rising. Clary says that it looks pretty, but Jace freaks. Why? Well, the bike runs of demon energy, and sunrise cancels it out. Or something. It’s really not explained beyond the bike suddenly not working anymore.

Why exactly would sunrise cancel out demon powers? When was that established?

Plot Hole: 3

Okay, another quick counter example. In the Dresden Files, certain magical stuff (namely anything from the Nevernever) doesn’t react well to sunrise or sunlight. The October Daye novels have similar rules – sunrise wipes away magic, so things like protection spells have to be recast daily. Both series quickly explain this. But I guess CC just assumed that everyone would know this.

The bike starts dropping, and it looks like they’re going to crash. Rather than, say, landing the bike safely, Jace decides to gun it and they only sort-of crash in a parking lot. Clary even gets tossed from the bike. “Excellent driver” my ass.

When Clary starts looking around, the first thing she notices is how Jace looks, including the use of the term “gold curls.”

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

I mention this because she completely fails to notice the now human Simon, even though he’s laying right next to her. I guess now that Simon’s no longer in danger, it’s okay for Clary to go back to ignoring him.

Bitch: 1

The two “best friends” reconnect, and Jace acts all hurt that Clary’s hugging the friend that she spent the past two and a half chapters trying to rescue. I’d almost feel bad for him, if I wasn’t almost certain that any emotional display from Jace was an act.

And thus the Simon as a rat sub-plot comes to an end. And what purpose did it ultimately serve? Well, CC got to rip-off J.K. Rowling without having to worry too much about legal reprisals, and she got to show us more of her really shoddy world building. And perhaps most importantly, she got to avoid having to write her characters actually having to figure out what’s really going on. Why have them actually work for something when she can just have some random guy explain everything?

Nothing was really accomplished, and the ramifications of this don’t show up until the next book. If that doesn’t just scream “fan fiction,” I don’t know what does. This whole subplot should have been cut. But CC probably got upset and whined to her friend Holly Black, who then told the editor to leave CC’s work alone. Of course, that’s just speculation on my part, but it wouldn’t surprise me.

And what the hell does “High and Dry” have to do with this chapter? I get the “high” part, but where does “dry” come into it? It doesn’t even work in a metaphorical sense, because at no point are they in any real danger.

Also, if I ever meet that Eric guy responsible for the flying vampire motorcycles, I’m going to hit him. Come to think of it, why would vampires even need flying motorcycles if they can fly on their own?

Plot Hole: 4

Anyway, that’s all for now. Now that this annoying little subplot’s finally come to a close, we can get back to the main plot.

Right?

Please?

Counts:

Weird Word Choice: 1 (Total 66)
Rapier Twit: 3 (Total 42)
No Shit Sherlock: 6 (Total 33)
Plot Hole: 4 (Total 58)
Random Scene Break: 1 (Total 8)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 3 (Total 18)
Bitch: 1 (Total 16)

Comment [34]

Oh, that title can’t mean anything good.

So, Simon’s been rescued, and the heroes have had the villain’s whole plan spelled out to them in large neon letters. Surely this means they’ll get right on hunting down and stopping Valentine, right?

Yeah, and winged hippos just flew out of my butt and danced the flamenco. There’s still 40% of this book to go.

Well, at least this chapter stats out well enough – Clary and Jace are back at the Institute, and Hodge is berating Jace for being, well, Jace. You’d think this would be a more common occurrence, given his behavior throughout the novel so far.

Of course, we don’t actually get to see any of this happening – can’t show the Stu actually having to face the repercussions of his actions now, can we? There’s mention of all the various potential punishments for what Jace has done, including being chucked out of the Clave. Punishments which Jace will never have to actually face because again, he’s a fucking Gary Stu.

We do get the last bit of Hodge’s rant, though, when he mentions that he won’t let Jace “shrug off” what’s happened. Jace, of course, responds by being flippant.

“I wasn’t planning to,” Jace said. “I can’t shrug anything off. My shoulder’s dislocated.”

Rapier Twit: 1

Jesus fucking Christ on a pogo stick!! Dammit you little shit, would you take things seriously for once in your life?! You could have started an all-out war with that little stunt!

Okay, I know it’s early, but I need a counter example. And once again, I go to the Dresden Files.

In the series’ third book, Grave Peril, Harry Dresden’s girlfriend is kidnapped by a group of vampires. Harry being Harry, he goes to rescue her, only to find that she’d been bitten, and was now a half-vampire (just go with it).

Harry’s response? Burn the whole place down, killing quite a few vampires in the process.

This single act of rage and grief then sparked a war between the wizards and vampires that lasted until the twelfth book, Changes. That’s nine books’ worth of conflict from a single action. Alright, the war wasn’t the real focus for most of those books, but it was still going on in the background.

Harry accidentally starting a war, I can get – he was sad, and angry, and the vampires intentionally provoked him.

Jace on the other hand? No excuse. He should have thought about what might happen, but he didn’t. And the fact that, despite his “joke” he is in fact shrugging off all the consequences just goes further to prove what I’ve been saying for a long time now – Jace is a fucking sociopath.

Hodge sends both Jace and Simon to the infirmary, because even though there’s only four other people in the whole building, it still has an infirmary. Yes, I’m still pissed that they’re using so much space for such a small operation.

When Clary goes to visit them after cleaning herself up (nice display of concern there for your “best friend”)

Bitch: 1

Isabelle is busy tending to them both. Yeah, way to defy gender stereotypes, CC. Girl power!

Still, at least she’s actually being useful. Alec’s to busy being upset that Jace doesn’t like like him to do anything other than be catty to Clary.

She ignores Alec (can’t say I blame her), and tells the wounded that Hodge is on his way. Never mind that it’s apparently been about half an hour since he got done with Clary, and that Jace and Simon should probably have gotten priority. Then again, we are talking about Jace here – let him suffer. Still, Jace complains that Hodge isn’t there. But not because of the pain, oh no. I’ll let him explain.

“I have a high pain threshold. In fact, it’s less of a threshold and more of a large and tastefully decorated foyer. But I do get easily bored.”

Rapier Twit: 2

You know, I’d almost like it more if he were upset about being in pain. Because not only does this make Jace once again look like an arrogant prick, he also looks really immature. “Aw, I have to sit in this bed while I heal up? Lame.”

Also, “large and tastefully decorated foyer”? Really, CC?

Weird Word Choice: 1

But we’re not done with the idiotic comedy! Jace makes a crack about Clary promising to dress up as a nurse and give him a sponge bath, but Clary says that it was Simon who promised him a sponge bath. Honestly, the only one in this whole exchange who’s even remotely funny is Simon, and that’s because he does this:

Jace looked involuntarily at Simon, who smiled at him widely. “As soon as I’m back on my feet, handsome.”

Which Jace responds to by saying they should have left him as a rat. Even though you had nothing to do with turning him back into a human. Stupid joke, or shitty writing? Either way, I give the whole conversation a couple of these.

Rapier Twit: 4

That’s one for each of Jace and Clary’s parts in this “joke”.

Clary finally turns her attention to Simon. He says he feels “[l]ike someone massaged [him] with a cheese grater,” and then gives a brief description of how they treated his injured foot. How is it that CC make all of Simon’s jokes funny, but almost no one else’s?

Simon says that they need to talk, and Clary says he can come see her once he’s healed up. Because heaven forbid she be inconvenienced by having to visit the wounded guy

Bitch: 2

He gives her a quick peck on the cheek before she leaves. In the hallway, Clary briefly wonders why Simon kissed her, and figures that he was trying to make Isabelle jealous. And then she thinks that men are confusing.

Okay, ladies? Let me explain something. Men aren’t any more complicated than you. We really aren’t. Any claims to the contrary are entirely false.

And on top of that, having Clary be so utterly baffled by Simon’s behavior makes her look utterly oblivious. Seriously, a blind man could tell that he’s in love with you. I can’t imagine why he’s so infatuated with you, considering how you treat him, but he clearly is.

Her thoughts then transition to Jace, but thankfully Alec comes along to save us from reading about how pretty Jace’s nose is, or something. But it seems CC was still in the mood or something, because we get a bit of narration talking about how much Alec looks like his sister.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Because I have no idea what else to classify that as. And now I’m wondering if CC’s a bit bi-curious.

So, why did Alec follow Clary? To tell her that he thinks she should go back home. Clary points out that the last two times she tried going home she got attacked, which is a pretty good reason, you have to admit. But Alec tries to push his argument, and his reasons finally come out – he blames Clary for Jace running off and almost getting killed.

Yep, Alec’s back in his “jealous bitch” mode. Clary makes the point that going off without any backup was Jace’s idea, but Alec just says that she encouraged him, because Jace supposedly hs some kind of hero-compulsion/death wish, because he he just knows Jace sooo well.

It seems that in this world, being in love with someone makes you utterly blind to their flaws, no matter how glaring.

Jace can’t have a hero/savior compulsion. Because that would require him to actually care about people other than himself. And despite Clary’s claim that he totally would have gone to rescue Simon on his own, I don’t believe it. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that Jace would have left Simon to die if Clary hadn’t been so insistent.

If Jace has any desire to do anything “heroic,” it’s only so he’ll get praised for it afterwords.

Clary also tries to make the point that fighting monsters and rescuing people is kinda the Shadowhunters’ job. Oh, Clary, haven’t you learned? The Shadowhunters don’t actually protect people – they protect themselves. Because for all that they and CC try to say that they protect mundanes, they really couldn’t care less about us. Because, much like Jace, they don’t give a damn about anyone but themselves.

Anyway, this gets us to the real reason Alec’s so pissy – Jace didn’t bring him along. He’s mad that he went off with a girl Clary.

“Normally I’d be with him, covering him, watching his back, keeping him safe. But you – you’re dead weight, a mundane.” He spit the word as if it were an obsenity.

I’m going to need to break this up.

1) Cripes, Alec, could you be any more codependent? God, I get being worried about your friend running off into danger, but (despite my conviction that Jace is a sociopathic man-child) he’s a frikkin’ adult. He can (supposedly) make his own decisions – he doesn’t need you with him every minute of the day.

2) Yes, Clary was dead weight. She has been pretty much from the start. But if anything, that’s just a reason to keep her at the Institute. If she leaves, there’s a possibility that she could get killed, because she has no combat training (despite CC giving her amazing inherit skill at knife-throwing last chapter).

3) We now have confirmation that Shadowhunters actually view normal humans as inferior. His argument isn’t that Jace would be too busy protecting her to keep himself safe – it’s that she’s a mundane. And honestly, I don’t see how this particular use is any different than any other time any of them have used the word. CC, just because you’re Jewish, and Alec is gay, that doesn’t make it okay for either you or them to make ethnic comments.

God, that’s actually kind of impressive – CC managed to remind me why I hate one of her characters with only a single word.

Clary points out that, once again, she’s not a mundane. And Alec points out that, since she wasn’t raised as a Shadowhunter, she might as well be a mundane. But he doesn’t stop there, oh no. (Apologies for another quote so soon)

“You’re mother brought you up in the mundane world, and that’s where you belong. Not here, making Jace act like – like he isn’t one of us. Making him break his oath to the Clave, making him break the Law-”

Yeah, that’s just dripping with Unfortunate Implications.

Clary once again points out that she hasn’t actually made Jace do a damn thing. But again, Alec’s in love, and thus can’t see any of Jace’s flaws, though neither can Clary for that matter. He tops off this whole conversation with this:

“You mundanes are completely selfish, aren’t you? Have you no idea what he’s done for you, what kind of personal risks he’s taken? I’m not just talking about his safety. He could lose everything. He’s already lost his father and mother; do you want to make sure he loses the family he’s got left as well?”

…

Okay, Alec? Shut the fuck up. Jace is a fucking moron, and is down right eager to jump into dangerous situations head-first, so long as he comes out looking good. He hasn’t taken any “risks,” because despite what CC is trying to imply, we all know that he won’t suffer a single consequence from all this, because he’s a fucking Gary Stu.

Also, stop acting so superior. Again, mundanes managed perfectly well without you fuckwads for thousands of years, so I’m certain that we’d do just fucking fine without you. It’s a good thing that you’re fictional, because that means I can’t hit you, and that you’re gay, because that’s about the only thing keeping me from wishing that you get the shit beaten out of you.

CC just made me want to support committing a hate crime against a gay teenager. I hope she feels proud of herself.

Clary somehow manages to channel my rage, but in a weird, unfocused way: she’s mad at Alec, obviously, but also that her dad’s dead, because why not; Simon, for putting himself in danger (completely forgetting that he saved both Clary and Jace’s asses); Jace for being a “martyr” (yeah, right); Luke for apparently not really caring about her (because she’s just as dense as Bella Swan); and last but not least, her mom for not being a normal, everyday mom.

I notice that Clary isn’t mad at herself. And I’ll admit that some of this is justified – her mom lied to her, and Alec is being a prick. Still, some of it is her fault – Simon wouldn’t have been in danger if Clary hadn’t brought him into this (or, you know, called him when she came out of her coma like a good friend), and Jace only went to rescue Simon to impress her (despite CC’s insistence that he has some hero/savior compulsion). That? People actually being in danger? That’s all on her.

She bitches out Alec, and calls him selfish. I’m not going to add this to the count, because this time it’s entirely justified.

But then she makes the jump that he’s also a coward, and that’s why he’s never killed a demon.

No, really, that’s the leap she makes. See for yourself:

“You should talk about being selfish,” she hissed, so viciously that he took a step back. “You couldn’t care less about anyone in this world except yourself, Alec Lightwood. No wonder you’ve never killed a single demon, because you’re too afraid.”

Okay, how do you make the jump from “you’re a selfish prick” to “you’re a cowardly prick”? I mean, maybe in a “you’re so self-centered that you won’t put yourself in danger” way, but that’s it. Selfish does not automatically equal coward. Also, Clary accusing someone of being selfish is rich. Ms. Pot, have you met Mr. Kettle?

And on a completely unrelated note, I find it amusing that Alec is supposed to be intimidated by Clary. I mean, she’s what, a buck-five soaking wet? She’s a friggin’ twig.

Alec wants to know who told her that, and she tells him Jace told her. Alec goes into denial about the whole thing, because there’s no way that Jace would tell that to anyone. Seriously, Alec is completely blind to the fact that Jace is kind of a dick like that.

And it seems that Clary’s also a bit of a sadist, because she keeps verbally abusing Alec.

She could see how she was hurting him, and it made her glad. Someone else ought to be in pain for a change. “You can rant all you want about honor and honesty and how mundanes don’t have any of either, but if you were honest, you’d admit this tantrum is just because you’re in love with him.”

On the one hand, I support Clary for pointing out all the crap Alec’s been spewing about how Shadowhunters are just so superior to mundanes. But there’s those first two sentences that taint the whole experience. She’s hurting Alec, and she’s enjoying it. That’s kinda twisted. And it feels really weird coming from CC.

Also, “someone else ought to be in pain for a change”? Clary, at what point exactly have you been “in pain”? A few chapters ago, you were okay with you’re mom being kidnapped, as long as you got to hang out with Jace some more. What about Simon? Getting turned into a rat and then thrown off a crashing motorcycle couldn’t have been good for him – hell, he’s the one in the infirmary! And that doesn’t even go into the emotional pain you’ve probably put him through, what with you being completely oblivious to his feelings.

Alec cuts her off by shoving her against the wall and telling her, point-blank, that if she tells Jace anything about his feelings, he’ll kill her.

Well CC, points for including a major character that’s gay, but they’re detracted for turning him into an obsessed, racist, violent psychopath.

Clary gasps, which somehow knocks Alec back into sanity, he lets her go and walks off. Clary stares at him, and suddenly feels bad about what she did. Interesting that she only feels bad after someone threatens her life. And then this thought crosses her mind:

Good job, Clary. Now you’ve really made him hate you.

No Shit Sherlock: 1

That’s an understatement along the lines of “the Atlantic Ocean is a bit damp.”

And then there’s a time skip to Clary in her room.

Random Scene Break: 1

She had some trouble sleeping, so she started drawing. We don’t actually get to see her having trouble sleeping, instead skipping that and jumping to her drawing stuff. Mostly, she draws stuff she saw during her little adventure, including a lengthily described one of Jace on the rooftop, looking “as if the fall challenged him – as if there were no empty space he could not fill with his belief in his belief in his own invincibility.”

You know what another word for that is? Stupidity.

Oh, and then she gives him wings, because we needed to be reminded of that bit of SYMBOLYSM!

Along with destroying that whole “totally not afraid of the fall” because, gee, now he can fly.

Okay, I’m kinda sick of this whole “Jace as an angel” thing. I’m sure this has been mentioned elsewhere, but you know who else was an angel? This guy:

And on top of that, not all angels were pretty. Observe:

The wheel thing and the walking menagerie? Those are an “ophanim”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ophanim and a “cherub,”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cherub#In_the_Bible respectively. That’s right – some angels were traditionally depicted as “eldritch abominations.”:http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/EldritchAbomination

Also, given how much trouble Clary was having just drawing a poofy sleeve back in chapter two, I find her sudden artistic abilities a bit suspect.

Plot Hole: 1

Back to the book. Clary tries to draw her mom, and is a bit disturbed to find that she now remembers her mom’s scars. We’re told that Clary’s “hurt” by realizing that her perception of the world had been fiddled with, but the narration is so bland. And personally, I’d be pretty freaked out by something like that.

Someone knocks at the door, making Clary pull her head out of her ass. Guess who it is!

Yep, it’s Simon. The guy who was put in the infirmary a few hours ago is now coming to visit his not-girlfriend. Rather than, say, the other way around, what with her being the one who’s in good health. And just to give you the complete picture, here’s the way he describes how he feels:

“I still feel like I’ve been worked over with a tire iron, but nothing’s broken – not anymore.”

Why is it that Simon’s coming to Clary? Oh, right, because it would be mildly inconvenient for her to go to him.

Bitch: 3

The fact that he added that last bit just makes it worse, because that implies that something (presumably at least one or more of his bones) was broken. He should really not be up and about. Oh, wait, this is basically Harry Potter in New York, so maybe Hodge used some of those magic runes to fix Simon up – you know, the runes that can turn normal people into rampaging monsters.

Moving on, Simon starts to thank Clary for coming after him, but she says that he would have done the same for her. Now, I have absolutely no doubt that, were Clary in danger, Simon would go charging off to save her without a second thought. But Clary? Not so much. Honestly, the only reason she seemed even remotely concerned about him was because Isabelle had been showing an interest in him, and we can’t have that.

And then Simon says that, of the two of them, she’s always been the more “independent” of the two. Here, I’ll let him elaborate:

“You’ve never seemed to really need anyone, Clary. You’ve always been so… contained. All you’ve ever needed is your pencils and your imaginary worlds. So many times I’ve had to say things six, seven times before you’d even respond, you were so far away. And then you’d turn to me and smile that funny smile, and I’d know you’d forgotten all about me and just remembered – but I was never mad at you. Half of your attention is better than all of anyone else’s.”

Well, doesn’t that just say a lot. This kind of behavior in a real person would be infuriating, but CC’s trying to make them seem endearing. Having to repeat something that many times? Yeah, she’s not just “not paying attention,” she’s blatantly ignoring Simon. Oh, but because he’s so completely and utterly infatuated with Clary, he isn’t bothered by that kind of thing.

It’s almost as if CC doesn’t think friendships should require mutual effort or something.

Clary says that there are only three people she’s ever loved: her mom, Luke, and Simon. And I have to call bullshit on that – if she really “loved” her mom, she’d be a bit more concerned about rescuing her. If she actually “loved” Simon, then she would have called him when she woke up in chapter five. As for Luke, well we’ve barely seen them interact, so yeah.

Simon spouts off some crap from his mom about “only [needing] three people you can rely on to achieve self-actualization,” and that, according to his mom, Clary is “pretty self-actualized.”

Unlike Simon’s last contribution to the “let’s praise Clary” session, that’s just hilarious. Let’s assume CC isn’t using “self-actualization” as some generic psycho-babble; being “self-actualized” is “defined as”:http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/selfactualization

“the achievement of one’s full potential through creativity, independence, spontaneity, and a grasp of the real world.”

Now, does any of that sound like Clary? Yeah, she’s “artistic,” but only sporadically so far. She rarely take the initiative on anything, and even when she does she drags someone else into it. The same applies to spontaneity – so far, she’s almost never done anything of her own volition. And the last? Well, she believes that Jace is a charming, heroic, and totally not a sociopath – if that doesn’t imply that she’s at least a little delusional, I don’ know what does.

Clary asks if Simon’s mom ever said anything else about her, but Simon says he won’t tell her. Clary acts like a six-year-old (yeah, she’s totally self-actualized) and says that that isn’t fair, and Simon comes back with the most honest statement in this entire scene:

“Who ever said the world was fair?”

Well, this book certainly isn’t fair – if it was, Simon would be the hero, Jace would get called on all of his shit, and Clary wouldn’t even be here.

And neither is the real world, for that matter. Case in point: CC’s has, is, or will write five sequels to this book, as well as a prequel and a sequel trilogy.

Seriously, there is no justice.

And then we get another time skip, because CC got bored with that scene or something.

Random Scene Break: 2

Clary and Simon lay on her bed, talking about stuff. And suddenly, I have to wonder if Simon is freakishly tall, or if Clary is a dwarf:

In the end, they lay against each other as they had when they were children: shoulder to shoulder, Clary’s leg thrown over Simon’s. Her toes came to just below his knee.

Seriously, how do you explain that? Is her knee resting on his crotch? What?

We also get a wonderful bit comparing how Simon and Jace smell.

Where Jace had smelled like soap and limes, Simon smelled like someone who’d been rolling around the parking lot of a supermarket, but Clary didn’t mind.

Bitch: 4

Then why mention it in the first place?

Also,

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Because no one naturally smells like soap and limes.

And on top of that,

No Shit Sherlock: 2

Gee, Simon smells like he’s been rolling around in a parking lot? I wonder why.

Seriously, compare the two and consider them. When might Clary have actually taken note of Jace’s smell? At a guess, I’d say before they left, especially because that description sounds like a “fresh from the shower” smell. Simon, meanwhile, smells like someone who should take a shower. He’s so dedicated to Clary that he skipped cleaning himself up first.

Simon starts talking about how he was joking with Isabelle shortly before his unfortunate polymorphing. He was joking about Jewish vampires. Clary thinks it’s funny, but apparently Isabelle didn’t. Logically, might be because she doesn’t know that common Jewish stereotype, but I’d be willing to bet it was intended to show that Isabelle’s a stuck-up bitch.

And while the jokes are chuckle-worthy, I feel kinda weird about laughing at them. The fact that both the author and the character are Jewish makes it especially awkward.

Moving on, Simon asks if Isabelle and Jace are sleeping together. And you have to see Clary’s response:

“Ew, no. They’re practically related. They wouldn’t do that.” She paused. “I don’t think so, anyway.”

Okay, no spoilers, but that’s either awkward foreshadowing or CC completely missed that line. Either way, it’s hilarious in hindsight.

Thanks, CC, I needed that.

Anyway, Simon’s all stoic and whatnot, claiming he doesn’t care whether Isabelle and Jace are sleeping together, but Clary doubts that. Congratulations, Clary, you’ve managed to comprehend the mind of a teenage boy. Soon you’ll be ready for long division.

But Simon’s is actually no longer attracted to Isabelle:

“You know, initially I thought Isabelle seemed, I don’t know – cool. Exciting. Different. Then, at the party, I realized she was actually crazy.”

Care to elaborate on that, oh bespectacled one? Because of the three teen Shadowhunters, Isabelle’s the nicest, most humane, and most importantly, sane one. Plus, she’s hot actually seemed to be into you.

Oh, wait, I get it now: Isabelle’s the only potential rival for Clary, so she must be vilified by everyone. Carry on.

But rather than ask what brought about this sudden realization, Clary asks if Isabelle made Simon drink the Draught of Baleful Polymorph. Because Clary is absolutely convinced that the whole incident was Isabelle’s fault. She doesn’t need proof – she’s the sue!

Unfortunately for Clary, it turns out that Simon drank it of his own volition. Seems he thought Clary was coping so well with this whole secret world of hers, and he was feeling left out, and he drank a random liquid to fit in better. So, if anything, him drinking the potion is Clary’s fault, if anyone’s.

Ah, sweet, sweet vindication.

Of course, Clary doesn’t see it this way – she’s the sue, so nothing is ever her fault. Instead, she asks if his experience was bad. Simon says that being turned into a rat was more weird than anything else, because why would an experience like that be traumatizing? That’s just silly!

But what Clary really wants to know about is his experience with the vampires. Simon very obviously lies and says he doesn’t remember any of that, but Clary doesn’t pick that up.

He randomly yawns, and only now does Clary/the narrator realize that it’s actually getting on in the evening. Clary goes to look out the window at the skyline, and when she turns back, Simon has passed out. He has served his purpose, and thus his participation in this scene is at an end.

Clary is actually considerate for a brief moment, and takes Simon’s glasses off so he doesn’t accidentally crush them in his sleep, but Clary immediately loses any points she just gained by wondering where she’s going to sleep. Because finding an empty room in this place with dozens upon dozens of spare bedrooms is just such a hassle. Especially with her only having a whole backpack’s worth of stuff to pack up.

But we’re spared Clary’s whining about how horrible her life is now by Jace knocking at her door. I’m not sure whether his sudden appearance is an improvement or not.

It seems that, unlike Simon, Jace actually took the time to get cleaned up before coming to visit, as he’s changed his clothes and his hair is described as “a halo of damp gold.”

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

Okay, the angel imagery associated with Jace is getting really damn annoying. As another counter-example, I’m going to quote something from the 1995 film The Prophecy. In it, Christopher Walken plays the angel Gabriel. Here’s one of his wonderful lines:

“I’m an angel. I kill firstborns while their mamas watch. I turn cities into salt. I even, when I feel like it, rip the souls from little girls, and from now till kingdom come, the only thing you can count on in your existence is never understanding why.”

Yeah, Gabriel isn’t very nice in that movie. On a completely unrelated note, Viggo Mortensen plays Lucifer in that movie, and he steals almost every scene he’s in.

Jace asks if he woke Clary, not because he’s sorry, but because she’s still in her pajamas. How very swoon-worthy. She in turn asks if he’s tired, but he says that “much like the postal service, demon hunters never sleep.” That actually sounds like it would be a problem, as a tired warrior would be more likely to make a mistake and get himself killed. And then he starts quoting what’s commonly thought of as the US Postal Service motto (“it’s actually just inscribed on the James Farley Post Office in New York City”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Postal_Service_creed) which once again makes me wonder just how much he actually knows about the mundane world. Also, it’s a bit of a fail on his or CC’s part. Here’s the quote in its entirety:

Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.

Note that there is no mention of them not sleeping, but there is mention of “the swift completion of their appointed rounds.” Meanwhile, Jace and the others sure are taking their time with finding Clary’s mom. I’m just saying it’s an interesting point.

Clary makes a lame joke about the “gloom of night” bit,

Rapier Twit: 5

but Jace thinks it’s funny, or at least pretends to. And then this happens:

He grinned. Unlike his hair, his teeth weren’t perfect. An upper incisor was slightly, endearingly chipped.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 5

Double because of the mention of both his teeth and his hair. Even when something about Jace isn’t perfect, it’s perfect.

Clary asks what we’re all wondering, namely why he’s here. Personally, I’m asking that in a more general sense – why is he in this book – whereas Clary means in front of her door. Jace responds like the pompous douche that he is:

“‘Here’ as in your bedroom or ‘here’ as in the great spiritual question of our purpose here on this planet? If you’re asking whether it’s all just a cosmic coincidence or there’s a greater meta-ethical purpose to life, well, that’s a puzzler for the ages. I mean, simple ontological reductionism is clearly a fallacious argument-”

I just… why? That’s the only response I can come up with. Well, that and this:

Weird Word Choice: 6

I don’t know how many of those terms CC actually pulled out of her college philosophy books or wherever, but five seemed like a good number. Seriously, read that out loud. If that single paragraph doesn’t make you want to punch Jace, I don’t know what will.

This really makes me wonder if CC has ever actually spoken to another human being in a casual setting, because no real person outside a philosophy class has ever spoken like that. Ever.

Oh, and I guess it deserves one of these too:

Rapier Twit: 3

Clary starts to do the smart thing by reaching to close the door, but Jace stops her. He tries to give some lame excuse about it being her birthday tomorrow and wanting to start celebrating early. But Clary, who not twelve hours ago was completely befuddled by the teenage male mind, now almost psychically knows that Jace is avoiding Alec and Isabelle. And Hodge, too. Seems they all want to talk to him, with the implication being that they want to discuss his actions of the previous night. But that would mean Jace has to actually take responsibility for his behavior and deal with the consequences, so screw that.

Oh, and he’s certain that Clary doesn’t want to talk to him, hence why he’s at her door. In what dimension does that make any sense whatsoever?

Clary says that she just wants something to eat, and what do you know, Jace has a nice picnic all ready to go. Clary says it’s a bit late to go to Central Park, and it would be dangerous. Jace assumes she means because of the faeries, but Clary means because of muggers. And then makes a joke about how mugging Jace would be dangerous.

Rapier Twit: 4

Yes, Jace would be terrifying, what with him being armed with a knife and going against the guy holding a gun. Apparently CC’s never seen The Untouchables.

But no, instead Jace offers to take her to the greenhouse. Because they have a greenhouse. For some reason.

And that brings our chapter to a sweet merciful end.

So, it appears that we’re back in the swing of things. By which I mean lots and lots of filler.

In order to really delve into what’s wrong here, I need to briefly explain something. It’s something I heard about on the Writing Excuses podcast – the “Scene-Sequel” format. It goes something like this – in one chapter, an action or event will happen (the “scene”); in the next chapter, the characters will respond to it (the “sequel”).

Now, this chapter starts out looking like it’s going to follow this pattern; the last two chapters were tense and had a lot of action (at least for this book), so now this chapter should have the characters reacting to what happened. Except that it very quickly falls apart: Jace starts out not really caring about any consequences, and by the end is actively avoiding them; Alec shows that he’s mad, but then promptly disappears; Simon starts out being treated for his injuries, but then miraculously recovers off-screen, and then proceeds to talk about how wonderful and awesome Clary is; Isabelle barely makes an appearance, and the same goes for Hodge.

Chapters like this support my impression that CC never quite got past writing fanfiction; things are certainly happening, but none of them really do anything to move the plot forward. And no, I don’t count developing the Clary-Jace-Simon love triangle as “plot.” Besides, we all know that in spite of all common sense, Clary’s eventually going to end up with Jace, because she barely seems to acknowledge Simon’s existence when A) she needs him for something, or B) another girl shows an interest in him.

This book is in severe need of editing. Preferably with a machete.

Also, apart from Clary’s drawing of Jace, what does the term “Falling Angels” have to do with anything in this chapter?

Next time, Clary and Jace go on a date. On the up side, Simon occasionally channels the reader.

Counts:

Weird Word Choice: 6 (Total 72)
Rapier Twit: 4 (Total 46)
No Shit Sherlock: 2 (Total 35)
Plot Hole: 1 (Total 59)
Random Scene Break: 2 (Total 10)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 5 (Total 23)
Bitch: 4 (Total 20)

Comment [59]

With a chapter title like that, this can’t be good.

This chapter begins with not one, not two, but three of CC’s awkward similes: the rooms Clary and Jace walk past are “as deserted as stage sets,” and the sheet-covered furniture “[loom] up out of the dimness like icebergs through fog.” The topper, though, is when they get to the roof. Jace opens the door to the greenhouse, and “the scent hit Clary, soft as the padded blow of a cat’s paw.”

Weird Word Choice: 3

Really, did no one notice this? That’s three similes in only two sentences. Three very specific, very awkward similes.

On to the greenhouse itself – it’s basically a garden. It’s full of various flowers and whatnot, you get the idea. Oh, and apparently Alec and Isabelle don’t ever come up there, because they have allergies. Now I’m wondering how something like that could have been diagnosed, since the Shadowhunters seem to go out of there way to avoid anything having to do with mundanes – remember, all their weapons seem to date from the Renaissance at best. If they were normal people, they’d probably take medicine for stuff like that.

Guess that’s one thing CC didn’t learn from watching shows like Buffy – sometimes, “muggles do it better.”:http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MugglesDoItBetter

Sorry, that was off-topic. Anyway, Clary asks about some of the flowers, but Jace can’t answer her, because he doesn’t know. Why doesn’t he know? I’ll let him explain:

“You think I pay attention in botany class? I’m not going to be an archivist. I don’t need to know about that stuff.”

Yep. And what does he need to know? How to kill stuff. I’m not even joking – he actually admits that.

Now, anyone with a fully functioning brain (which may or may not include the author or this series’ hardcore fans) will see the problem with this. Since this stuff is probably what Hodge uses to make all those wonderful potions and whatnot, those botany classes probably contain a decent amount of basic medical training. So by ignoring them, Jace is effectively saying “I don’t need to know first aid.” Because why would someone on the front-lines of a war need to know stuff like that?

Yeah, Jace is an idiot, and CC probably is too. But then, I’m just being a big meanie, with my logic and reasoning.

Oh, but Jace also knows other things, like how to make a grilled cheese sandwich. Because apparently that’s, like, really hard or something. I don’t know.

He sets down the basket and we get to see everything he brought – a few apples, a fruit and nut chocolate bar, and some bottled water. And Clary is actually impressed by all this. As near as I can tell, Jace mostly raided the pantry. I guess Clary just has really low standards. Imagine how impressed she’d be if he took her to a McDonald’s!

While Clary eats her sandwich, Jace pulls out a knife “that looked capable of disemboweling a grizzly” and proceeds to use it to slice up an apple. As opposed to, say, a paring knife, like a sensible person. Or maybe he’s compensating for something. Either way, I’m not impressed.

(And if I have offended any of the Australians in our community, I apologize.)

Jace passes her a slice, and apologizes for it not being cake. But Clary’s happy with it, as she wasn’t expecting anything for her birthday. Wonderful. She takes a bite of the apple, and it’s described as tasting “green and cool.”

Weird Word Choice: 4

Um, how does that work? I mean, that’s like saying something smells rough. Does Clary have synesthesia or something? Does CC?

Sorry, I keep getting distracted by this kind of stuff.

Jace starts talking about his own birthdays, and how his father would always let him do anything on his birthday. For example, on his fifth birthday, he got to take a bath in spaghetti. Which is actually kind of cute. We’re over half-way through this book, and only now are we finding out something likable about the hero.

Also, didn’t they do that in Patch Adams?

Clary is a bit incredulous, and Jace goes into more details:

“He had the servants fill a bath with boiling water and pasta, and when it cooled down…” He shrugged. “I took a bath.”

And the first thing that Clary takes note of is that he mentioned “servants.” Yep, Jace is actually a spoiled rich kid, much to the surprise of no one. And then Clary tries to imagine it.

She tried to picture him as a little boy, giggling, up to his ears in pasta. The image wouldn’t form. Surely Jace never giggled, not even at the age of five.

It really says something when the heroine can’t picture her Designated Love Interest as a giggling child. Kinda like how it’s hard to imagine Hitler as a baby. This is not a good thing, CC. Also, since we previously found out that Jace’s dad was kind of a psychotic fundamentalist, suddenly talking about what a loving father he was rings really hollow.

The other stuff Jace tended to ask for is less surprising – namely weapons. And books, because he claims that he reads a lot. I am understandably skeptical of this claim.

This somehow segues into how Jace never went to school, had no real friends, and hadn’t even met another person his age until meeting Alec when he was ten. I’m sure this is all intended to make me feel sorry for Jace, but I have several reasons not to buy into this. And I shall present them in list form.

1) As already established, Jace is kind of a sociopath.

2) Despite how pity-inducing all this is, Jace doesn’t appear to be all that bothered by it.

3) By this point, I as a reader have already formed an opinion of Jace, and it’s going to take quite a bit more than this sob story to change my opinion.

Jace then says that Clary shouldn’t feel sorry for him, since his dad was raising him to be the perfect weapon. Oh, he doesn’t phrase it like that, but how else am I supposed to interpret Jace saying that he received “the best education, the best training.”? And then Jace starts talking about all the places he and his dad used to go, specifically mentioning London, Saint Petersburg, and… Egypt. Because I guess we don’t need to actually name-drop any cities in Egypt like, say, Cairo, or Alexandria, or Luxor. I mean, Egypt is all pretty much the same, right?

I apologize. That was a bit of an overreaction. Probably.

But then Jace says that he hasn’t left New York since his dad died. I guess I’m supposed to feel sorry for him, but that doesn’t scream “First World Problems,” I don’t know what does.

Clary tires to commiserate, saying that she’s never left the state, that her mom wouldn’t let her go on a field-trip to Washington, D.C., and that somehow that makes sense now. Jace makes a crack about her accidentally seeing demons in the White House. Clary asks if he’s serious, and Jace is pretty confident that there aren’t.

Rapier Twit: 1

While that wasn’t as offensively unfunny as some of the other bits, it was still awkward, and it also raises a few annoying questions.

Like, why would Clary’s mom be so clingy? I was under the impression that Clary only needed a “tune up” maybe once a year at most. So why couldn’t Jocelyn just do it before hand?

Plot Hole: 1

Also, why does Jace even know about the White House? Again, his knowledge of the mundane world is annoyingly inconsistent.

Plot Hole: 2

Clary says that her mom “changed a lot” after her father died, which prompts Jace to ask if Clary remembers her dad, but she says that he died before she was born. Wait, so how can she say that her mom changed after he died?

Plot Hole: 3

Did CC forget what she just wrote?

Jace ignores this inconsistency, instead pointing out how this is actually a good thing, because this way she can’t miss him. Because it’s not like you can feel the absence of someone (like, say, a father) if they’ve never met them, right?

Clary asks if Jace ever stopped missing his father. He doesn’t answer, instead asking if she’s thinking about her mom. But no, Clary says she’s thinking about Luke, even though the sentence prior to that statement is her thinking about how she won’t think of her mom as being dead.

Again, we messily segue into the next topic, Luke, and how Clary thinks he’s a dirty coward for not being willing to fight Valentine. Because Clary can’t perceive when someone is lying, and thus takes everything at face value.

But before we delve further into that, a clock somewhere starts chiming midnight, and Jace points out a particular bush. They watch it for a bit and the flower buds on it bloom. This would be the eponymous midnight flower. Yes, these flowers only bloom at midnight. I’m wondering what possible purpose this plant can serve, but then I’m still assuming that all these plants are here for a reason other than to look pretty.

And then Jace gives Clary a birthday present. He got her a rock.

Oh, but it’s not just any rock – it’s a special glowing rock. And then Jace gives us this wonderful quote:

“It will bring you light,” said Jace, “even among the darkest shadows of this world and others.”

You know, I feel like I’ve heard that somewhere before. “Can’t remember where, though.”:http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120737/?ref_=sr_1

Clary thanks him, and says that the stupid glow rock is way better than a spaghetti bath, which prompts this conversation, which I’m going to go through line by line.

[Jace] said darkly, “If you share that little bit of personal information with anyone, I may have to kill you.

Ow. I just got mood-whiplash. Seriously, CC, what the fuck?

“Well, when I was five, I wanted my mother to let me go around and around in the dryer with the clothes,” Clary said. “The difference is, she didn’t let me.”

Yes, because your mother has parenting modes other than “obnoxiously indulgent” and “borderline abusive.”

“Probably because going around and around inside a dryer can be fatal,” Jace pointed out

Because apparently we need that explained to us.

“whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it.”

Rapier Twit: 2

Ha ha, it is to laugh. It’s just so funny that Isabelle, being a girl, can’t cook. Let us mock her for her lack of skills in the Womanly Arts. Ha. Fucking. Ha.

Clary moves on to other birthday presents her mom wouldn’t give her, including letting Clary get a tattoo when she was twelve. Jace points out that most Shadowhunter kids get their first mark around that age, and says it must be “in [her] blood.” Because that’s how genetics works, right?

But Clary goes further, saying she wanted to get a tattoo of Donatello from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on her shoulder to cover up a chicken pox scar. And Jace, of course, has no idea what she’s talking about.

I’m going to pause for a minute here, because I think CC might be showing her age again. Now, this book came out in 2007, and Clary is 15, now 16, so she would have been 12 in 2003. “At present,”:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teenage_Mutant_Ninja_Turtles#First_animated_series_.281987.E2.80.931996.29 there have been three TMNT animated shows and one (short-lived) live-action shows. The first cartoon aired from 1987-1996, the second from 2003-2009, and the current one began in 2012. Now, Clary could have been referring to the 2003 series, but I can’t help but think she’s referring to the 1987 series.

Anyway, Clary moves aside the strap of her tank top to show Jace the scar, but he looks away. Yeah, don’t try being all chivalrous now. Besides, it’s just her shoulder. It’s not like she’s flashing you.

Jace says it’s late, so they should go. Clary feels all despondent, and then for reasons that will become clear soon, randomly asks if Jace has ever dated Isabelle. Jace is understandably perplexed by this, so Clary covers it by saying that Simon wanted to know. After a bit of hemming and hawing, Jace says that they haven’t, because Isabelle’s like his sister, and it would be weird.

Wow. Unlike the “Isabelle can’t cook” bit, this one actually manages to stay funny.

And then Clary says that Isabelle hates her. Wait, what gave her that idea? At what point has Isabelle been anything but friendly towards Clary when Clary wasn’t hostile first?

But Jace says that’s not true, and that Clary makes Isabelle nervous, since she’s always been the only girl “in a crowd of adoring boys.”

Um, I’m sorry, “crowd of adoring boys”? You mean her gay brother and sociopathic practically-brother? Yeah, that’s a real crowd there.

Or are we talking about how Isabelle is confident enough with herself to flirt with guys, rather than sit in a corner and pine away silently? Because I doubt that the sudden addition of Clary is going to interfere with that.

And why would Isabelle even see Clary as a rival? Or is this just because, as the only other female character of the appropriate age, she and Clary have to be rivals?

But Clary doesn’t understand, saying that Isabelle’s so hot. And now we come to the real reason for Clray bringing up Isabelle. I’ll let Jace explain:

“So are you,” said Jace, “and very different from how she is, and she can’t help but notice that. She’s always wanted to be small and delicate, you know. She hates being taller than most boys.”

And there you have it, folks – the only reason Isabelle was even brought up was so the Designated Love Interest can tell the Sue how beautiful she is, and how the potential Scary Sue is just jealous.

Dear god, I hate this trope. And it only gets worse.

See, Clary is just shocked that Jace said she was beautiful, because no one’s ever said that about her, and of course she’s never thought of herself as pretty, because the Sue can’t think of herself as being pretty.

God, I fucking hate this trope.

They head downstairs and end up kissing. I just summed a whole long paragraph in seven words.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

And then we get a whole other paragraph describing them kissing.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Whoop-di-doo. They only stop when they hear Hodge’s bird flapping around in the room, which means that Hodge will be along soon. Seems he likes to go up to the roof to think. I can only imagine about what – if it were me and I had to spend so much time around Jace, I’d probably be thinking about jumping off the roof.

Jace walks Clary back to her room, and they do the end-of-date kiss just in time for Simon to open the door. And he’s kinda pissed.

Rather than get defensive, as she and Simon aren’t a couple and thus he doesn’t technically have a right to be upset, she instead wonders why she didn’t go to Jace’s room instead (side note – I somehow doubt that Jace would have been satisfied with being left at his own door with just a goodnight kiss, assuming Clary would have stopped there). And the answer is quite obvious to anyone who’s been paying attention, but just for posterity, I’m going to quote the text:

She had forgotten about Simon completely.

You mean like just about every other time he’s left her line of sight and there wasn’t another girl showing an interest in him? What a shock.

Clary apologizes to… someone, which pisses off Jace. His reaction is, of course, to act like a complete douche. I’d like to summarize it, but I don’t think I can quite capture it. It’s a bit long, so I apologize for that.

“In future, Clarissa,” [Jace] said, “it might be wise to mention that you already have a man in your bed, to avoid such tedious situations.”
“You invited him into bed?” Simon demanded, looking shaken.
“Ridiculous, isn’t it?” said Jace. “We would never have all fit.”
“I didn’t invite him into bed,” Clary snapped. “We were just kissing.”
“Just kissing?” Jace’s tone mocked her with its false hurt. “How swiftly you dismiss our love.”
“Jace…”
She saw the bright malice in his eyes and trailed off. There was no point. Her stomach felt suddenly heavy. “Simon, it’s late,” she said tiredly. “I’m sorry we woke you up.”
“So am I.” He stalked back into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him.
Jace’s smile was bland as buttered toast. “Go on, go after him. Pat his head and tell him he’s still your super special little guy. Isn’t that what you want to do?”
“Stop it,” she said. “Stop being like that.”
His smile widened. “Like what?”
“If your angry, just say it. Don’t act like nothing ever touches you. It’s like you never feel anything at all.”
“Maybe you should have thought of that before you kissed me,” he said.
She looked at him incredulously. “I kissed you?”
He looked at her with glittering malice. “Don’t worry,” he said, “it wasn’t that memorable for me, either.”

sigh

Okay, first, counts.

Rapier Twit: 6

For all of Jace’s “witty” barbs.

Weird Word Choice: 9

For “tedious situations,” “mocked her with its false hurt,” “bright malice,” “bland as buttered toast,” and “glittering malice.” Especially for the descriptors attached to “malice.”

Bitch: 1

For Clary snapping at Simon for getting mad at Jace, but not snapping at Jace for being an asshole to Simon.

Sweet merciful Azathoth. Alright, if you’ve seen “Jeremy Jahns review of the movie,”:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLKJQYOQkoY this would be that “middle school bullshit” he was talking about. Seriously, what the fuck is up with this crap? Why is this here?

I mean, wasn’t there something about saving Clary’s mom and the world? Stopping big bad Valentine? Where has that gone?

Well, as Jace walks away, Clary is torn between crying and running up and “kicking him in the ankle.” Not only can Clary not properly insult Jace, she can’t aim for the right spot – try a bit higher, honey, like between his legs.

She goes inside to find Simon looking at her sketchpad. Unlike Jace, he actually complements her drawing abilities. Simon acknowledges that he’s in her room, which kinda ruined him storming off, but all his stuff is in her room. He says he’s going home, siting just how welcome he’s been made to feel. But Clary doesn’t quite get it.

She sighed. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? I wasn’t intending to kiss him; it just happened. I know you don’t like him.”
“No,” Simon said more stiffly. “I don’t like flat soda. I don’t like crappy boy band pop. I don’t like being stuck in traffic. I don’t like math homework. I hate Jace. See the difference?”
“He saved your life,” Clary said, feeling like a fraud – after all, Jace had come along to the Dumort only because he’d been worried that he’d get in trouble if she got herself killed.
“Details,” said Simon dismissively. “He’s an asshole. I thought you were better than that.”

THANK YOU, SIMON! SOMEONE FINALLY SAID IT!

Unfortunately, Clary doesn’t acknowledge this, and instead gets angry at Simon for passing judgment on her. She talks about how shallow he allegedly was with regards to getting a girlfriend, and how she’s never liked any of his girlfriends but never said anything about any of them.

Now, while we have no evidence to the contrary, I somehow doubt that Clary never once voiced her opinions of Simon’s previous girlfriends. And I have absolutely no doubt that considered each of them to be a horrible slut.

Simon talks about how he never showed the same kind of affection Clary has for Jace, and they were all just a way for him to build up his confidence, but he falters just before admitting his ultimate goal was to hook up with Clary. So Clary jumps in and assumes it was for Isabelle.

“Until Isabelle came along? I can’t believe you’re lecturing me about Jace when you made a complete fool of yourself over her.” Her voice rose to a scream.
“I was trying to make you jealous!” Simon screamed, right back. His hands were fists at his sides. “You’re so stupid, Clary. You’re so stupid, Clary, can’t you see anything?”

No, Simon, she can’t. Because again, Clary is completely oblivious to your feelings, despite you making them quite obvious. As proof of this, Clary “[stares] at him in bewilderment” when he says this and asks why he’d want to make her jealous. Because Clary needs every little thing spelled out for her.

It seems that Simon’s been in love with Clary for ten years. I’m not sure that a kid whose only six or seven years old really understands romantic love, but I guess it sounds good.

Clary is, of course, dumbstruck by this. I know, it’s so surprising and out-of-character for her. And in good Sue fashion, she’s not entirely sure how she feels about Simon. So he finally loses his patience and heads for the door. But not before telling Clary the other thing his mom said about her:

“She said you’d break my heart,” he told her, and then left.

When we come back from a commercial break

Random Scene Break: 1

Clary sinks into complete and utter despair, even curling up in the fetal position on her bed. She briefly considers going after Simon, but since she has no idea how to apologize to him, so instead she doesn’t bother. Not the smart thing to do, but I guess I kinda get it – all that drama exhausted me, so I can only imagine how tired she must be. Still, I do think she should chase after Simon, rather than wallowing in her own depression.

She then goes over the mounds of evidence that Simon was interested in her, including Jace’s comment about unrequited love, and how if she’d taken a minute to think about it, she’d have realized what Jace was saying.

Okay, I’m a little freaked, because it’s almost like the book’s become self-aware.

And then Clary thinks back to that whole bit about her “only loving three people” thing from a chapter ago, and how she’d forgotten about all three of them during her little date with Jace.

Maybe this, she though, losing Simon, maybe this is my punishment for the selfishness of being happy, even for just a moment, when my mother is still missing.

See, I just have one problem with this thought: Clary forgot her mother long before going up to the roof with Jace. She forgot her mom the minute she jumped through that magic door in Mme. D’s place. And she completely forgot about Simon the minute he was out of her line-of-sight. So while Clary has demonstrated an annoying tendency to forget people who are supposedly important to her.

It really doesn’t help that the sentence above is quickly followed by this one:

Jace might be an exceptional kisser, but he didn’t care about her. He’d said as much.

Yeah, the fact that Jace doesn’t seem to like her is just the worstest thing evarr.

And then Clary starts looking at her drawing of winged Jace, and how great a picture it is. And then she starts stroking it, and actually feels the feathers.

Apparently, the runes she doodled in the corner (wait, what runes?)

Plot Hole: 4

are glowing.

Clary gets all excited/freaked out, flips to a fresh page, and draws a coffee cup sitting on her end table. And when she’s done, she sets the cup on the page and draws the runes again.

And with that forced cliffhanger, the chapter ends.

Yeah, this chapter just reeks of fanfic. The date between Clary and Jace is really awkward. I can appreciate finding a moment of calm in a chaotic situation, but only after it’s been earned. So far, our heroes have accomplished little more than screwing around for about twelve chapters. They still have no idea where Clary’s mom is, and haven’t bothered to actually do any investigating. The only reason they know about Valentine’s plans is because all the villains in this book are morons who spout off exposition at the first opportunity. The heroes haven’t actually had to do anything.

And then there’s the horrible forced drama. My god, it’s like this book suddenly turned into a soap opera staring a bunch of high school kids. It’s especially out-of-place because this is, ostensibly, an urban fantasy adventure story, not a romance – the focus should be on rescuing Clary’s mom and stopping Valentine’s plan, not on the protagonist’s love life.

The only reason I can see for why this chapter didn’t get cut was because of that bit at the end, and it feels really tacked on. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that in the first draft, this chapter ended with Clary laying in bed and feeling sad for herself. But then someone (like her editor) told her that this and most of the previous chapter should get cut, so she tacked-on that bit of Clary suddenly and inexplicably figuring out the answer to where the MacGuffin cup is.

And I do mean inexplicably. I have no idea why Clary would know that particular combination of runes, and I can’t believe that she’d just randomly doodle them. This just reeks of Authorial Intervention.

Well, that’s another chapter down. There’s only six chapters and the epilogue left, so we’re heading towards the home stretch. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean that the end of the filler chapters.

However, I’m going to Dragon*Con this weekend, so I won’t be working on this until after Labor Day. Still, I’m going to have fun, and that’s what really matters. See you guys next time.

Counts:

Weird Word Choice: 9 (Total 81)
Rapier Twit: 6 (Total 52)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 (Total 35)
Plot Hole: 4 (Total 63)
Random Scene Break: 1 (Total 11)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 2 (Total 25)
Bitch: 1 (Total 21)

Comment [18]

Sorry to leave you guys hanging like that. Like I said at the end of the last chapter, I went to Dragon*Con Labor Day Weekend. In short, it was awesome. The con was followed up by a nasty case of Con Crud, and an aunt coming to visit. But I’m feeling much better, so back onto the horse I get.

Looking at this chapter’s title, I can only hope it won’t be like chapter 11. You know, the one where the thing the chapter was named for didn’t even show up?

We get a bit of a change of pace this time, because this chapter begins with the focus on Jace. Why the focus of the third-person narration suddenly switched, I don’t know.

Anyway, Jace is in his room, laying on his bed and pretending to sleep. Yes, he’s a sullen, angst-ridden, overly-hormonal teenager sulking in his room. There’s a knock at the door, and when he moves the narration kindly informs us that despite his “tough guy” act, he’s actually in quite a bit of pain.

And I don’t care, for several reasons. The big one is that Simon was probably in a lot more pain – remember, we found out just two chapters ago that at least one of his bones had been broken when Jace crashed that stolen motorcycle. So yeah, all those bruises and whatnot kinda pale in comparison to actual broken bones.

Secondly, if he’s in such pain, then maybe he shouldn’t have left the infirmary. Or, failing that, taken something for the pain. Like, say, aspirin or something. Or – here’s a thought – maybe Hodge has some herbs or something to dull the pain. Oh, wait, Jace doesn’t think he needs to know anything about plants. Never mind. Let him suffer.

Jace gets up and I feel you should see what he’s thinking.

He knew who it was going to be before he opened the door. Maybe Simon had managed to get himself turned into a rat again. This time Simon could stay a goddamned rat forever, for all he, Jace Wayland, was prepared to do about it.

Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Why am I supposed to like him again?

Also, why is his name randomly inserted in there? Was CC afraid we were going to forget whose head we were in? Or was it just to avoid pronoun confusion? I could see that, but it’s still really awkward.

Plus, it makes him look really arrogant. Seriously, who identifies themselves with their last name in their own head?

Weird Word Choice: 1

For lack of anything else to count that as.

Yeah, it’s Clary at the door, sketchpad in hand. Of course, we’re not told it’s Clary at first – she’s only referred to as “she” for the bulk of the paragraph. How is it that we went from over-clarifying pronouns to under-clarifying pronouns in a single paragraph? Seriously, was the editor drunk or high or something?

And while I hate to drop another quote on you guys so soon, I also feel you need to see this:

He leaned against the door frame, ignoring the kick of adrenaline the sight of her produced. He wondered why, not for the first time. Isabelle used her beauty like she used her whip, but Clary didn’t know she was beautiful at all. Maybe that was why.

Yeah, as near as I can figure, this is the only reason for the POV switch – it’s not enough that Clary we’ve seen that guys are attracted to Clary, we have to be told that she is indeed pretty, and she just doesn’t know it.

I don’t like this trope. The main problem I have with it is the implication that a girl/woman cannot be attractive and think of herself as attractive, and also be truly desirable. As much as people complain about Barbie giving girls body image issues, this trope is probably just as bad.

I understand the reasoning behind it – if she thinks she’s beautiful, she’ll be arrogant about it. But doing the opposite isn’t fixing the problem.

I could go further into this, but this isn’t the place for it.

But before I go on, I just need to point this out: “kick of adrenaline,” CC? Come on, we all know what you really mean. Say it with me, folks:

Jace has a boner. A stiffy. Wood. An erection.

Serious discussion of women’s issues in literature, followed up by a dick joke. Yep, I’m real classy.

Jace isn’t happy at Clary’s sudden appearance, especially after their last conversation. And again, I’m sorry for the slew of quotes, but then again, this is the only time in this book that we’ll be able to really get inside Jace’s head.

He could think of only one reason for her to be there, though it made no sense after what he’d said to her. Words were weapons, his father had taught him that, and he’d wanted to hurt Clary more than he’d ever wanted to hurt any girl. In fact, he wasn’t sure he had ever wanted to hurt a girl before. Usually he just wanted them, then wanted them to leave him alone.

So yeah. Straight from the author’s own writing – up until now, Jace has treated every girl he’s been involved with as a disposable tool to satisfy his needs. No relationships, no emotional attachments, nothing. And as near as I can tell, this is supposed to make him more appealing.

And yet, when Isabelle does more or less the same thing, she’s a horrible skank. Double standard much?

Maybe it’s just more of that “jerk with a heart of gold” crap CC keeps pushing. “Clary is the first girl that Jace has ever cared about! Isn’t that just sooooo dreamy?”

Also, further confirmation that both Jace and his father are both sociopaths.

Jace finally pulls his head out of his ass and says something – he makes a joke about Simon getting turned into an ocelot and Isabelle wanting to skin Simon.

Rapier Twit: 2

Double because A) referencing what might have been a really traumatic experience is apparently funny, and B) talking about killing someone and wearing their skin is always good for a laugh.

But Jace couldn’t give any fewer fucks because – and I’m not joking – he’s already in his pajamas.

But as infuriating as that might be (for several reasons), I can’t help but picture Jace in a giant pair of feet-pajamas, and it’s pretty funny. Seriously, how many teenage boys actually have a set of pajamas?

But Clary ignores Jace’s lack of concern, because she needs to tell him something important. Again, Jace makes light of it, saying that if Clary needs someone to model nude for her, she should ask Hodge.

Rapier Twit: 3

It’s at this point that Clary finally snaps at Jace.

“JACE!” she interrupted him, her voice rising to a scream. “JUST SHUT UP FOR A SECOND, WILL YOU?”

And he does. Jace is just so floored by someone telling him to shut his damn trap that he actually does. Given that he spouts crap like a sewer drain, I can’t imagine why no one’s told him to shut up before.

Jace then gets an odd urge to hug Clary, but he doesn’t. Maybe his dad actually was abusive, and he associates this kind of behavior with affection? Who knows.

Clary tells him what CC Deus Ex Machina-ed into her head, namely that the MacGuffin Cup is hidden in a picture.

And then we get a commercial break

Random Scene Break: 1

When we come back, we’re back in Clary’s head. Why was that first bit from Jace’s perspective? Well, apart from the obvious praising of the author insert, the only possible explanation I can come up with is to preserve what passes for suspense in this book.

Jace is understandably confused by what Clary said, but she says she needs to show him something, but only if she can come into his room.

I have a question – why? Why does this need to happen in Jace’s room? I mean, yeah, it’s rude of him to have not invited her in yet, but Jace being an asshole is kinda par for the course by this point.

Also, why is Clary going to Jace with this? He’s not the one in charge, or at least he’ not supposed to be. Shouldn’t she be going to Hodge with this, what with him being the responsible adult?

Plot Hole: 1

Back to the sporking. Clary comes into Jace’s room, and we’re once again told just how utterly spartan it is.

The clothes he’d been wearing earlier were flung across the covers, but the rest of the room was neat as a monk’s chamber. There were no pictures on the walls, no posters or photos of friends or family. The blankets were white and pulled tight and flat across the bed. Not the typical teenage boy’s bedroom.

That’s… actually kinda creepy. Yes, on the one hand it shows an almost OCD like need for control, but on the other hand it shows just how little attachment Jace seems to have to the place. People tend to personalize their living spaces, even temporary ones. Jace has lived in this room for years, and yet he could leave right now and there would be no evidence that he ever lived there.

Also, how can his sheets be perfectly flat? He was just laying on them. They should be at least a little rumpled.

Plot Hole: 2

Yes, I’m nitpicking, but I don’t care.

Clary shows Jace the cup she drew, and he’s not all that impressed. Could we please stop dragging this out?

Well, what do you know, the characters heard me. Clary reaches into the drawing and pulls the cup out. And then we get another example of CC’s “humor”.

She had imagined Jace leaping from the bed in astonishment and gasping something like “Egad!” This didn’t happen – largely, she suspected, because Jace had seen much stranger things in his life, and also nobody used the word “Egad!” anymore.

Rapier Twit: 4

Now, this could have been funny. You can even see how. And if this book were a bit more lighthearted, it would have been. The problem here is that, with everything else in this book being so damn serious, stuff like this just feels awkward and out-of-place.

Also, just because he’s seen a lot of weird stuff doesn’t mean Jace needs to be jaded. Yeah, he’s a seventeen-year-old boy so of course he has to have this whole affected facade of not giving a crap, but come on! She just pulled something out of a drawing!

But no, all we get is his eyes widening. Mr. Spock demonstrates more emotional range than this jack-off.

He asks all the expected questions, including just how the hell Clary managed to do it. And her answer is just as unsatisfying as you’d expect.

She shook her head, fingering the now blank page. “I don’t know. [The runes] came into my head and I drew them exactly as I saw them.”

Yeah. They literally just popped into her head. Oh, CC tries to hand wave this away by Jace figuring that her mom must have taught her, and then made her forget, and now that Bane’s mind whammy is wearing off, Clary’s just remembering it.

Why?! Why would she do that?! What possible reason could there be for Jocelyn, who wants as much to do with magic as the Dursleys, to teach her daughter how to do this?!

Oh, wait, I know why – the plot demands it, rationale be damned.

Plot Hole: 3

Jace talks about how “it’s probably against the Law to use runes like that unless you’ve been licensed,” but who gives a shit about that?

Weird Word Choice: 2

And while I can understand waving away potential ramifications of what Clary’s done with something like “extenuating circumstances”, I can’t help but feel that there’s a nasty double-standard at play here.

Then we’re suddenly in a bad episode of Scoobie-Doo, because Clary and Jace walk us through the mystery of where Jocelyn hid the MacGuffin Cup. Short answer? Mme. D’s tarot deck. Specifically, in the Ace of Cups card.

And why does Clary know this? Because the cup on the card is exactly like the one the angel statue was holding back in chapter ten.

This really feels like an ass-pull. Or makes Clary look really stupid. She saw both cups within hours of the other, but only now does she go “OMG! They’re totes the same!”

Also, why the Ace of Cups? Yes, it’s the card where the cup is most prominent, but it’s not the only card with a single cup on it. Take a look:

Those are the Page/Jack/Knave, Knight, Queen, and King of Cups, respectively, from the Rider-Waite tarot, the most popular version of the tarot in the English speaking world. Notice that all three have a single cup in the picture. And on top of that, the first three would arguably fit with certain characters better than the Ace. Here’s what wikipedia has to say about each of them.

The Page:

This card can represent a sweet-natured child who loves home life and family but may struggle in school. This child enjoys the arts and is very spiritual. The child may be psychic.
This page has a powerful imagination, as well. Creativity and vision are among this person’s blessings.
As a situation it represents an opportunity for artistic or creative learning and expansion.

This could refer to Clary herself, or at least how CC wants us to view Clary.

The Knight:

If the card is upright, it represents change and new excitements, particularly of a romantic nature. It can mean invitations, opportunities, and offers. The Knight of Cups is a person who is a bringer of ideas, opportunities and offers. He is constantly bored, and in constant need of stimulation, but also artistic and refined. He represents a person who is amiable, intelligent, and full of high principles, but a dreamer who can be easily persuaded or discouraged.
Reversed, the card represents unreliability and recklessness. It indicates fraud, false promises and trickery. It represents a person who has trouble discerning when and where the truth ends and lies begin.

This could be a good description of Jace (or at least CC’s idea of Jace), and the role he plays in Clary’s life.

And last but not least, the Queen:

The card depicts a mature woman of fair-complexion and golden hair who holds a lidded cup. She is described as a model of a loving virtue, one who is purer of heart than most, a loving mother and a loyal friend. The inverted card may warn the querent of a false lover or a deceitful friend or companion who pretends to be of a pure heart but is treacherous and manipulative.

This description could fit Jocelyn, if stretched a bit.

Any of these would tie into the characters and the story much better than the Ace.

But no. CC wanted it to be “the love card,” so of course that’s what we get.

They talk about how what Jocelyn did was a good idea, and I’ll admit, it was pretty smart. And then Clary suddenly wishes her mom hadn’t been so clever, because then Jocelyn wouldn’t have been kidnapped. And Jace kindly points out that, had the baddies been able to find the Cup, they probably would have killed her.

A quick scene change and we’re in the library. The whole gang’s been gathered, and most of them are a bit peeved about being woken up at Fucking Early o’clock. All except for Jace, of course.

Alec asks why any of this is their concern, since they’re off the case and all. And here’s Jace’s answer:

“It’s just better if we do this ourselves,” said Jace impatiently. “Hodge and I already discussed it and that’s what we decided.”

So why didn’t we get to see that conversation? And why is Jace implying that he and Hodge are somehow equals in this? Isn’t this technically Hodge’s call to make?

Oh wait, Jace is the Leader while Hodge is the Mentor. Never mind.

Isabelle’s all for going after the MacGuffin Cup, but Alec’s still against it, pointing out that there are already Shadowhunters in New York looking for it, so they shouldn’t get involved. And while I hate to agree with the asshole, he’s got a point.

Jace argues against this and Alec says that this is all about Jace’s “addiction to danger.”

Weird Word Choice: 3

Alec, or rather CC, that is not what Jace has. Jace is not an adrenaline junkie – he’s a glory hound. He’s all for this because it’ll make him look good. Jace didn’t go into that vamp lair to get a fix, he did it to impress Clary. Remember, he’s the one who decided that they needed to break in, and he’s the one who threw the first punch. Or rather, knife.

Jace naturally doesn’t get why Alec isn’t supporting him in this. “Closer than brothers” my ass. And naturally Clary has to remind us that it’s because Alec is in love with Jace.

No Shit Sherlock: 1

She wonders why Jace doesn’t see it, and then compares it to her own obviousness to Simon’s feelings. Yeah, don’t remind me of that.

Then someone, I assume it’s Jace, explains that Mme. D doesn’t trust the Clave. Given that their idea of punishing known terrorists is effectively to slap them on the wrists, I don’t blame her. However, Mme. D has shown that she trusts our heroes.

Clary finally says something, namely clarifying that Mme. D trusts her, not the rest of them. Jace ignores this, like anything else he finds inconvenient, and tries to win Alec over by talking about how famous they’ll be when they find the MacGuffin Cup. See? I was right about that glory hound thing.

But Alec says that he doesn’t care about any of that, and only wants to “not [do] anything stupid.” Well, I hate to tell you this, but with Jace “anything for glory” Wayland as one of the principle members of your team, “stupid” pretty much describes a lot of what you’ll be doing. Again, see his attempt to rescue Simon.

Hodge finally wades in and agrees with both Jace and Clary, saying that clearly Jocelyn intended that only her daughter be able to find the Cup. In response, Alec says that Clary can get it on her own.

This blatant demonstration of Alec’s Scary Sue nature shocks everyone. I’m not sure why, they were perfectly willing to let him be a dick to Simon. Wait, Simon’s a Mundane, and thus not a real person to them. Oh, this is how Jace is described.

Only Jace, Clary thought, could look cool in pajama bottoms and an old T-shirt, but he pulled it off, probably through sheer force of will.

Yeah, that’s not happening. CC, the more you tell me about how big of a badass Jace is, the less I believe it. No one can look “cool” or intimidating in their jammies. You’re trying waaaay too hard. Also, that gets you one of these.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

So Jace basically calls Alec a coward, Alec says he’s totally not, and that pretty much ends the whole argument. I’m not sure which is sadder – that Jace resorted to school-yard level tactics to win that fight, or that they worked.

Clary of course agrees to the plan, but Hodge interjects, saying that she doesn’t have to go if she’s afraid. Umm, dude, not two minutes ago you were talking about how Clary’s the only one who can get the Cup, and now you’re saying that she doesn’t have to go? What?

Plot Hole: 4

But Clary insists that her mom wanted her to find the Cup, so she has to go.

Plot Hole: 5

I highly doubt that Jocelyn wanted anyone to find it, let alone her daughter who she spent over a decade and a half keeping away from any of this.

And you know what? Here’s a crazy thought – leave the Cup where it is. I was under the impression that the real concern was stopping Valentine, not finding the MacGuffin Cup. I mean, yes, he wants to find the Cup, so obviously them finding it first would go a long way towards stopping him, but actually capturing Valentine would be ideal. Why not focus on that instead? The Cup’s been perfectly safe for over fifteen years, why not leave it there? It’s not like in Raiders of the Lost Arc where the bad guys are close to finding the thing. And at least there Indiana Jones had the excuse of the Arc being an important historical artifact to justify taking it out of its hiding place. There’s no such excuse here. And don’t talk to me about how the Shadowhunters’ numbers are dropping – as far as I can tell, most of the tensions in this world are their fault in the first place.

You know there’s a problem with your plot when “do nothing” is not just a valid option, but also probably the best thing the heroes can do.

They finally get down to the nitty-gritty parts of the plan, namely how they’re going to get to and from Mme. D’s place. Jace says that they’ll need a car, but Isabelle points out that they’ve never needed one before. Jace’s answer is that it’s not safe to carry the MacGuffin Cup on the subway.

Yeah, but only if you’re actually planning on carrying the Cup itself with you. At present, it’s conveniently two-dimensional and would probably fit in your pocket. What’s the problem with just taking the card?

But there I go injecting logic where it clearly isn’t welcome.

Isabelle then suggests that they take a cab or rent a van, but Jace shoots that idea down as well, because “[He doesn’t] want to deal with taxi drivers or mundane rental companies when [they’re] doing something important.”

Yeah, if that doesn’t scream “racist” I don’t know what does.

And then, well, this happens.

“Don’t you have a driver’s license or a car?” Alec asked Clary, looking at her with veiled loathing. “I thought all mundanes had those.”
“Not when they’re fifteen,” Clary said crossly. “I was supposed to get one this year, but not yet.”
“Fat lot of use you are.”

Okay asshole, while Clary might not be terribly useful in this regard, you’re just as useless. Because I doubt that any of the Shadowhunters know how to drive a car.

And on a slightly more realistic note, this is New York City we’re talking about. It’s not exactly a driver-friendly city. And with the sprawling mess that is the New York Subway system, having a car is not exactly as critical as in some other places.

But then Clary says that Simon has a license.

Bitch: 1

I know it was probably just a knee-jerk reaction, but volunteering a friend who not only isn’t present, but also hates at least one of the people in this group is at the very least insensitive of her. What the hell, Clary?

But regardless of Simon’s feelings, Jace latches onto this idea. Clary actually acts like a decent human being and tries to pull Simon’s ass out of the fire by explaining that while he has a driver’s license, Simon doesn’t have a car.

Upon being pressed, Clary informs them that Simon usually borrows his friend Eric’s van whenever he needs a car, including for dates. This elicits an interesting reaction from Jace. So interesting that I’m going to go through the entire ensuing conversation.

Jace snorted. “He picks up his dates in a van? No wonder he’s such a hit with the ladies.”

Well, while it might not be as impressive as a sports car, a van does have certain advantages. Namely a lot of space in the back.

“It’s a car,” Clary said. “You’re just mad Simon as something you haven’t got.”

Oh, so now Clary defends him. Why can’t you do this when he’s in the same room?

“He has many things I haven’t got,” said Jace. “Like nearsightedness, bad posture, and an appalling lack of coordination.”

And here’s some other things Simon has that Jace doesn’t: a sense of humor, a good personality, actual friends, and at least another half a dimension’s worth of character. Feel free to add to the list, by the way.

“You know,” Clary said, “most psychologists agree that hostility is really just sublimated sexual attraction.”

Yeah, that sounds like a load of crap.

“Ah,” said Jace blithely, “that might explain why I so often run into people who seem to dislike me.”

Or because you’re an arrogant douchenozzle who throws knives at people. Just a thought.

“I don’t dislike you,” Alec said quickly.

Alec, don’t be a kiss-ass.

“That’s because we share a brotherly affection,” said Jace.

Yeah, as someone with two brothers, there is no way to look at this relationship where it looks “brotherly.” See, brothers don’t constantly argue or ignore the other, nor does one of them want to have sex with the other.

Rapier Twit: 9

That’s three for Jace, and one each for Clary and Alec.

Jace grabs the phone, holds it out to Clary, and practically orders her to call Simon. She asks why they don’t try calling up a Shadowhunter who has a car. This is a good idea. Here’s how CC deals with that problem.

“In New York?” Jace grinned. “Look, everyone’s in Idris for the Accords, and anyway, they’d insist on coming with us. It’s this or nothing.”

Plot Hole: 6

All of them? Including the one’s who’re looking for the MacGuffin Cup? The ones Alec mentioned back when this scene started? Did this book even see an editor?

And once again we get proof that Jace is a giant glory hound – we can’t get the actual authorities involved! Then they’ll get all the credit!

Clary breaks down and calls Simon, and he’s understandably upset that she’s calling him. It also doesn’t help that it’s Fucking Early o’clock, either. Clary doesn’t waste too much time, and flat-out says that they need a ride. And Simon is once again in top form with his response:

He laughed again. “Sorry, are you telling me that your demon-slaying buddies need to be driven to their next assignation with the forces of darkness by my mom?”

See, this is how you do humor in Urban Fantasy – you acknowledge the absurdity of it.

Still, “assignation” Simon? What teenager uses words like that?

Weird Word Choice: 4

But Clary says that she wants him to pick them up, and that she plans to trade the MacGuffin Cup for her mom. Simon is a bit incredulous about that, but she manages to talk him into helping them, saying that she’ll do whatever it takes to save her mom, just like she did with Simon.

Clearly Clary’s recollection of her “rescue” of Simon is skewed – as I remember, at best she helped to carry Simon around. Beyond that, she was dead weight. Only Jace was less useful, and only because he actively made the situation worse.

Still, with Simon wrapped around her finger, all Clary has to do is bat her eyes and he’ll come running, so of course he agrees. But at least he has enough sense left to hang up on Clary while she’s trying to make nice.

There’s a quick scene change, and Clary and Hodge are alone in the library, with her staring out the window at the rain for some reason.

Random Scene Break: 2

For some reason, Hodge starts talking about Clary’s relationship with Simon, and how it’s similar to the one between Jace and Alec. Namely, that because both Simon and Alec have feelings for the other that aren’t reciprocated, it’s really easy for Clary and Jace to take advantage of the other. Hodge also warns her that, if pushed too far, Simon might grow to hate Clary.

Of course, Clary doesn’t understand how Simon could possibly hate her, but considering how oblivious she was to Simon’s feelings, this isn’t surprising.

And then Hodge moves on to another similar relationship, namely that between Luke and Jocelyn. Yep, he’s telling us what we’ve already figured out – Luke was the previous generation’s Simon, hopelessly in love with a girl who had him so thoroughly in her Friend Zone that she didn’t even consider that he might feel different.

No Shit Sherlock: 2

When Jocelyn hooked up with Valentine, Luke disappeared for a while, and only showed up again when Jocelyn went on the run.

Clary then asks why Luke never said anything, but Hodge explains that Luke was at least smart enough to know that, despite everything, Jocelyn didn’t love him, but still hoped that her feelings might change. Then Clary asks why Luke told Valentine’s cronies that he didn’t care about her mom, because she doesn’t get how Luke could have both loved and hated her mom. So Hodge spells it out for her – Luke was tired of Jocelyn’s crap, but still can’t bring himself to actively hurt her, so probably threw her to the wolves.

But Clary doesn’t believe any it, and quickly changes the topic to how they’ll reach Valentine once they have the Cup. Hodge’s answer is that his raven will find Valentine.

Now, this could have been an interesting conversation – someone reasonably objective is telling Clary that if she doesn’t change how she treats Simon, it will only end badly. She’s even given an example of a similar relationship ending badly. Luke is like Palamedes) if he actually got pissed at Isolde. With any luck, this should lead to Clary reevaluating her treatment of Simon, altering how she treats him, and possibly changing how her perception of him.

We’ll see how this goes.

Clary runs off to find a jacket to let everyone else gather in her absence. While looking for a jacket, she finds the old photo of the Order of the Phoenix Deatheaters Circle and shoves it in her pocket for some reason.

When she comes back, everyone’s in the library, all geared up and putting on their henna tats of war. Jace has his stuff, Isabelle has her boots and whip, and Alec is ready to use a bow, because despite his biological gender, he’s still a girl. (Don’t get me wrong, I respect archers and anyone skilled at archery. I’m just pointing out that, of the three of them, it’s the gay guy that has a bow.)

Jace is trying to scribble on one arm with his magic stick and having trouble, so Alec takes over. And like the pansy-ass bitch that he is, Jace starts complaining about how much it hurts. Hey, Jace, I’d like you to meet a friend of mine, Tallahassee. Mr. Florida, do you have something to say about Jace’s behavior?

What’s that? You have more to say?

He is at that.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Because there’s mention of Jace’s “bulging muscles” as he winced in pain.

They finally notice Clary’s in the room, and Jace asks she still has that knife he gave her. Clary reminds him that, no, she was an idiot and chucked it at a werewolf. Of course, it isn’t phrased like this. No, instead it’s Jace praising Clary’s improbable (and illogical) knife-throwing abilities. Which then leads to this:

Isabelle, who had been standing by the window, rolled her eyes. “I forgot that’s what gets you all hot and bothered, Jace. Girls killing things.”
“I like anyone killing things,” he said equably. “Especially me.”

Rapier Twit: 10

Even if it’s a joke, someone getting turned on by violence probably isn’t healthy. Seek professional help, dude.

They head downstairs to wait for Simon to show up, Hodge gives them the Shadowhunter version of “May the Force be with you,” and the scene ends.

Random Scene Break: 3

We fast forward about five minutes to when Simon shows up. Jace is unimpressed, saying that it looks “like a rotting banana.”

Okay, dude, unless you can pull a fucking SUV out of your ass, you don’t get to complain. Plus, shitty-looking cars have certain advantages, namely that they’re less likely to get stolen.

And of course, since Simon is technically in the scene, Clary can’t defend him, so she doesn’t.

They open the doors, and the van’s interior is just as unimpressive as the exterior. Isabelle asks if the seats are safe to sit on, and Simon says that they’re safer than the roof, but she’s free to try that if she prefers. Nice to see that someone isn’t taking any crap from these people. Simon then says hey to Jace and Alec, and Jace replies with “Hey indeed.”

Weird Word Choice: 5

Dude, who does that?

Anyway, Jace stows their gear, and Clary calls shotgun. Alec doesn’t get it, and Jace explains that she wants the front seat.

Plot Hole: 7

Okay, how much do Shadowhunters actually know about mundane culture? I know that the phrase ‘riding shotgun’ goes back a long way, but it’s still a colloquialism. Again, Shadowhunters’ knowledge of the mundane world relies entirely on what CC thinks is appropriate for the moment.

Alec pulls out his bow and straps it to his back, and Simon complements it. Which then leads to a really awkward moment from the Shadowhunters.

“That’s a nice bow,” said Simon, with a nod towards Alec.
Alec blinked, rain running off his eyelashes. “Do you know much about archery?” he asked, in a tone that suggested that he doubted it.
“I did archery camp,” said Simon. “Six years running.”
The response to this was three blank stares and a supportive smile from Clary, which Simon ignored.

Okay, so Clary, through sheer dumb luck, manages to throw a knife with perfect accuracy and gets praised for it, but Simon spends six summers straight learning how to shoot a bow and gets nothing but blank stares. What, just because he didn’t learn to kill with one it somehow doesn’t count?

Oh, and we’ll see just how awesome Alec is with a bow next chapter. Just wait.

They get going, and while the other three are busy “strategising,” Clary strikes up a conversation with Simon, asking about him saying “hey” to Jace, rather than “hello.” I really don’t see why this is an issue, but CC actually manages to pull off some decent comedy with this.

“‘Hello’ is girly,” he informed her. “Real men are terse. Laconic.”
“So the more manly you are, the less you say?”
“Right.” He nodded […] “That’s why when major badasses greet each other in movies, they don’t say anything, they just nod. The nod means ‘I am a badass, and I recognize that you, too, are a badass,’ but they don’t say anything because they’re Wolverine and Magneto and it would mess up their vibe to explain.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Jace said from the backseat.

See? Jace was actually funny there, because we’re acknowledging that Simon was kind of babbling.

Weird Word Choice: 6

CC, the only time a teenager would use the word “laconic” is in an essay, and then only to sound smart.

Clary’s a bit self-satisfied with Jace’s answer, but Simon’s smirking a little, so presumably their relationship is on the mend. Yay, I guess.

And I guess the drive to Clary’s house was either really short, or no one said anything after that, because the scene just ends there, and we’re suddenly at the house, and the rain has stopped.

Random Scene Bread: 4

Simon and Clary are told to stay in the car while the other three check the area’s “‘demonic activity levels.‘”

Now, to me, that just sounds stupid. And I’d expect Simon to make mention of this. But alas, even he isn’t beyond CC’s character warping grasp.

“Demonic activity levels? Do they have a device that measures whether the demons inside the house are doing power yoga?”
“No,” Clary said […] “The Sensor tells them how powerful the demons are – if they’re are any demons.”
Simon looked impressed. “That is useful.”

Goddamnit, Simon. Stop being impressed by this crap. The Sensor isn’t a tricorder – it’s a scouter.

And given how demons seem to be neatly cataloged, including how powerful they are, why would they even need a piece of equipment to tell them how powerful a given demon is? Shouldn’t they just know this sort of thing? Maybe been taught it in class?

Wait, I’m pretty sure that both Alec and Jace fall asleep in or ignore classes regularly. Never mind.

Weird Word Choice: 7

But that word still shouldn’t be capitalized.

Clary starts apologizing for her response to Simon confessing his feelings, and Simon says that he’d always wanted it to play out like it did between Han and Leia in Return of the Jedi, and Clary laughs because Star Wars is such a geeky thing to reference.

Okay, time for a geek aside. First, anyone who’s seen the original trilogy knows that that conversation is echoing one from near the end of Empire, only with the characters swapping lines. The first time, Han sounded like a badass, because badasses don’t say “I love you, too.”

Second, by that point, Han and Leia were already kind of together. They might not have spent much time together, but they clearly had very strong feelings for each other. Heck, Leia risked her life to rescue Han in the beginning of Jedi.

Third, this book came out in 2007, so we can assume it’s set in that year. That’s two years after Revenge of the Sith came out. I think it’s safe to say that, by this point, Star Wars was no longer this thing that only geeks were really interested in. Yes, not everyone might be into it, but the Star Wars franchise had cemented its place in the cultural zeitgeist.

Back to the book. Simon asks Clary to really look at him, and after a minute, Clary wonders if her problem was that she wasn’t aware of Simon’s feelings or is she just didn’t know how to respond to them. Now, this could have been an interesting moment for Clary’s character, and her relationship with Simon.

Except that we’ve seen how Clary feels about Simon – she either ignores him or uses him, unless there’s some other girl that might take him away from her. If Clary had seen the contradiction in this, then it would be interesting. But as far as I can tell, she never did.

But Simon’s comment leads to an interesting conversation.

She sighed. “Seeing through glamour is easy. It’s people that are hard.”
“We all see what we want to see,” he said quietly.
“Not Jace,” she said, unable to help herself, thinking of those clear, impassive eyes.
“Him more than anyone.”

Aww, CC. You were doing so well there. But you had to add that bit about Jace’s eyes.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

And given how he’s completely oblivious to Alec’s feelings, saying that he isn’t under any illusions is a bold-faced lie. And if he is aware of Alec’s feelings, that makes him even crueler. Remember, this is the guy that finds unrequited love amusing.

Clary is of course baffled by Simon’s last comment, but Jace chooses this moment to reenter the scene. They’ve checked the whole area, and there’s nothing there. Big surprise.

Alec is really pumped up for this, so much so that even Jace finds his sudden enthusiasm a bit weird. What’s even weirder, though, is that Alec tosses his bow aside and pulls out what CC refers to as a “featherstaff.” I’m not entirely sure what kind of weapon that is, but the nearest I can figure is that it’s a brandistock, a type of spear with retractable blades. Isabelle is especially shocked by this. I can’t blame her – Alec’s speced for bow. Him being put on the front line is a recipe for disaster.

And Clary derided RPGs.

Simon asks the obvious question of why he can now see them, since they should be invisible, and Jace says that Simon “[knows] the truth of what [he’s] looking at.”

Weird Word Choice: 8

While that is a good answer, it’s also phrased awkwardly.

Jace also tells Simon to wait in the car, since having a getaway vehicle would be good. Because, while demons are apparently vulnerable to sunlight, the zombie-Hulk Forsaken aren’t. That, and if the van gets towed, they’re kinda screwed.

Why is it that Jace is only funny now?

Simon agrees to stay, much to Clary’s relief, and the rest of them head inside. And while I can understand leaving Simon behind, Clary is just as much a liability. But she’s the main POV character, so we can’t have her sitting out on the action.

The walk through the door, and from the noxious smell of the place they can tell that demons have been there. Nice to know that the Sensors are completely pointless.

Our heroes chat about the demons for a bit to pad out the word-count before entering Mme. D’s place.

Dorothea’s in her apartment, and is happy to see Clary in one piece. She asks where Clary ended up, and when Clary tells her she ended up in Williamsburg, Mme. D responds with this:

“And they say there’s no convenient public transportation in Brooklyn.”

Not great, but it’s at least worth a chuckle.

The rest of the crew comes in, and Dorothea and Clary catch up. Yeah, turns out Mme. D knew all about Clary’s mom and her past, and Dorothea says that Valentine’s love for Jocelyn went wrong. Jace laughs at this, asking what Mme. D knows about love. Because, since she’s old and unattractive, Dorothea must have always been unattractive, and what would ugly people know about love?

This prompts Dorothea to remember reading Jace’s tea leaves, and asks if he’s fallen for the wrong person yet. Which leads into the following conversation.

Jace said, “Unfortunately, Lady of the Haven, my one true love remains myself.”
Dorothea roared at that. “At least,” she said, “you won’t have to worry about rejection, Jace Wayland.”
“Not necessarily. I turn myself down occasionally, just to keep things interesting.”
Dorothea roared again.

Rapier Twit: 11

See, that started out mildly funny. But Jace’s second comment destroyed that. Along with Mme. D’s overdone response. I’m kinda worried about her, guys, because nothing Jace said deserved that level of laughter.

They finally get around to the reason why Clary and the others are there. Dorothea reminds the reader of the MacGuffin Cup’s back story, because either CC forgot or thought the audience needed reminding. Either way, it’s just more pading.

Mme. D wonders why Jocelyn would have the Cup, and then puts together that Jocelyn was Valentine’s wife.

Wait, I thought she already knew that. She said she knew about their relationship when Clary brought it up. Bbut… didn’t… how…

Plot Hole: 8

Fuck it. Moving on.

They finally get around to saying that they think the Cup is in Mme. D’s place, but Dorothea doesn’t believe it. Rather than just explain the situation, Jace dances around it, so much so that everyone else in the room wonders if he’s getting some kind of perverse thrill from the whole thing. It even get’s Clary to think this:

Why did Jace have to antagonize everyone?

Uh, because he’s an asshole? Didn’t we already establish this?

Jace does his little song and dance a bit more until Clary finally jumps in to explain things to the increasingly upset Dorothea. There’s even more of Jace being vague for the sake of vagueness, but Mme. D eventually passes over her cards.

Clary pulls out the Ace of Cups, and uses Jace’s magic drawing stick to get the cup out. This takes six paragraphs to accomplish. And with Clary standing there, MacGuffin Cup in hand, the chapter comes to merciful end.

Holy crap that took forever. I know there are some chapters of this book that shuld have been trimmed and combined, but this one is the opposite – it should have been divided. There’s so much going on, and it’s all happening at the same time.

Not that there isn’t stuff that should have been cut – namely everything from Jace’s POV. It doesn’t add anything, and it’s relatively short, so there’s no reason that bit couldn’t have been from Clary’s POV instead.

Still, there were a number of good bits. I liked Hodge telling Clary about her mom and Luke’s past, while also warning her about how she treats Simon, if only because someone was finally calling Clary on her shit. Clary and Simon’s talk was also good, and if it wasn’t blindingly obvious that Clary is going to end up with Jace, this might have encouraged the love triangle CC clearly wants to establish.

So yeah, despite everything, if the rest of this book were more like this chapter, I might not have found this book so infuriating.

And hey, at least the title actually had something to do with the chapter this time. That’s a good thing, right?

Counts:

Weird Word Choice: 8 (Total 90)
Rapier Twit: 11 (Total 63)
No Shit Sherlock: 2 (Total 37)
Plot Hole: 8 (Total 71)
Random Scene Break: 4 (Total 15)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 3 (Total 28)
Bitch: 1 (Total 22)

Comment [14]

Okay, so the last chapter wasn’t all that bad, and we are heading towards the last quarter of the book. With any luck, this chapter won’t suck too bad.

Plus, we have a great moment from Simon to look forward to.

This chapter picks up where the last one left off. Everyone’s staring at the Cup in silence. Despite CC’s insistence to the contrary, I’m pretty sure Clary expected to be praised for this, and she’s not getting any. And then we get a moment of actual comedy from Jace.

“Somehow, I thought it would be bigger.”

I think I’m seeing what the problem with Jace’s ‘jokes’ is. Most of them have been targeted at other people, particularly Simon. Jace isn’t being funny, he’s just being mean. He comes across as a bully. And it doesn’t help that Simon is far more likeable, and Jace bullying him just makes Simon look more sympathetic.

Anyway, Clary defends the MacGuffin Cup, and apparently Jace was expecting it to be about the size of a house cat. I think Isabelle nicely sums up my response to this idea:

“It’s the Mortal Cup, Jace, not the Mortal Toilet Bowl,” said Isabelle. “Are we done now? Can we go?”

Yes, please, let’s not drag this out any longer. We have half a book’s worth of plot to get through, and a little over a quarter of a book to get through it.

But no, them just grabbing the Cup and leaving quietly wouldn’t be interesting, now would it?

Dorothea says that the Cup’s been damaged. When Clary starts handing it over so Mme. D can show her, Jace suddenly moves between them, ready to draw his weapon, and completely kills the mood.

“No offense,” he said calmly, “but no one touches the Mortal Cup except us.”

Yeah, wouldn’t want Dorothea to get her filthy mundie hands all over the Cup, now would we?

Dorothea tries to calm things down, but Jace just whips out his sword (not sure if I wish that were a metaphor or not) and starts threatening the woman.

I’m just going to spoil this now – there is something wrong with Dorothea. But this is just like when he chucked a knife into Raphael’s chest back in chapter fourteen. I’m sure that both situations were to demonstrate just how awesome Jace’s instincts or whatever are, but the fact that he just reacts instead of getting any evidence, and that he always reacts violently doesn’t make me think he’s awesome. It makes me think he’s a violent, paranoid sociopath.

Back to the book. Dorothea offers to let them use her magic door, which completely throws Jace for a loop. When Mme. D yanks the curtain, revealing a weird red cloud-thing, with something moving through it. Everyone ducks for cover and the thing hits Dorothea, who proceeds to do the standard possession act, stopping just shy of spitting pea soup.

And in the middle of all this, Alec and Jace have a wonderful little conversation.

Next to him, Alec in a choked voice said, “But you said there wasn’t much demonic activity – you said the levels were low!”
“They were low,” Jace growled.
“Your version of low must be different from mine!” Alec shouted.

It’s really nice to see Jace get called out for stuff. And honestly, I’m not sure what I find more entertaining – that Jace might have read his Sensor wrong, or that the thing might just be totally useless.

Jace makes his first intelligent decision in the whole book, and they all book it. Unfortunately, the door is magically locked. Jace asks for his wand back, though given what we’ve seen of his lock picking skills, he’ll only make it worse. Luckily for the door, the former Dorothea bursts into the hall to attack them.

Alec stares at the thing in horror. It seems that, without his bow, laying there like a slug is his only defense. But yanks his ass to safety before anything can happen.

Things are looking pretty grim for our heroes. But then the Dora-thing makes the same mistake all the other demons have made – it starts talking.

It starts out just demanding the MacGuffin Cup, but then Jace demands it identifies itself, things rapidly spiral downward.

The thing inclined it’s head. “I am Abbadon. I am the Demon of the Abyss. Mine are the empty places between the worlds. Mine is the wind and the howling darkness. I am as unlike those mewling things you call demons as an eagle is unlike a fly. You cannot hope to defeat me. Give me the Cup or die.”

You know, it is really hard to take these things seriously when they’ll just start babbling at the drop of a hat.

Isabelle helpfully informs us that this a “Greater Demon”, and no, I did not capitalize that.

Weird Word Choice: 1

Clary again gives a surprising demonstration of humanity (i.e. any at all) and asks what happened to Dorothea. The demon, ever accommodating, informs her that Dorothea is effectively dead, nicely avoiding any moral quandaries that might result from killing the demon.

Not that I doubt Jace or Alec would have any problems killing it if Dorothea were still alive, though. I mean, she is a filthy mundie, after all.

And then Jace does something possibly even worse than threatening the innocent old lady – he starts snarking at the monster.

“By the Angel,” Jace said, looking the demon up and down. “I knew Greater Demons were meant to be ugly, but no one ever warned me about the smell.”

The demon, rather than squashing him like the bug he is, instead hisses menacingly at Jace. Not since the Cullen family have I been so intimidated.

And Jace responds with yet more snark.

“I’m not sure about this wind and howling darkness business,” Jace went on, “smells more like a landfill to me. You sure you’re not from Staten Island?”

Okay, it’s not that I don’t like snarky characters. I love them – I can appreciate a character that looks a monster in the eye and cracks a joke. Heck, the Dresden Files are some of my favorite books.

But those characters don’t come across as being arrogant the rest of the time. Plus, those books are usually written in first person, so the reader knows that the hero is just managing to not piss themselves in terror.

I don’t get any of that from Jace. To me, he’s just pissing the thing off, which will make both his death and those of his companions all the more painful.

Oh, and points.

Rapier Twit: 2

Jace leaps at the Dora-thing, somehow manages to stab it twice before getting thrown into a wall, and yet manages to get up completely unharmed. I am really getting sick of how Jace just shrugs off getting hurt like that.

There’s an extended fight scene, with all three Shadowhunters participating, and Clary just sitting there like the proverbial bump on a log. Unfortunately for the three would-be demon slayers, they are way under-level for this encounter (maybe they should have spent more time grinding and less time going to parties and having teenage drama).

The demon gives Clary the standard “give me the thing or I kill your friends” speech, with Jace doing the standard “no don’t do it” stuff. But just before Clary can decide who to listen to, something awesome happens.

Simon makes his entrance.

But before I get to Simon being awesome, I need to share Clary’s reaction to this:

She had forgotten he was outside, had almost forgotten he existed.

So, yeah, Clary’s back to her old ways. It’s been, what, five minutes since she left Simon’s company, and not only has she completely forgotten that he’s there, she almost forgot that him entirely.

Bitch: 1

And this is even more egregious considering what Simon does next.

Remember the bow and arrows that Alec left in the van like an idiot? Well, Simon’s got them, and he intends to use them. Specifically, use them to shatter the skylight, bathing the demon in sunlight and killing it deader than disco.

Oh, god, that was awesome. So much so, in fact, that even CC feels we need a breather after that.

Random Scene Break: 1

We come back about half a second later, and even Simon’s impressed with what he just pulled off. Unfortunately, Jace groans, so Clary comes running so she can fret over him. Maybe he’ll learn something from this, like “don’t taunt the monster when you have nowhere to run”.

But Jace tries to act all tough and only shows concern for Alec. Yeah, somewhere in that fight scene that I skipped over, Alec got hit pretty bad. Clary briefly comes to her senses and acknowledges that Simon just saved all their bacon, but Jace again interrupts her. I guess when he talked about how he and Alec are “like brothers” he only meant “from a dysfunctional family”, because only now is Jace showing any real concern for Alec.

Alec is acting pretty loopy, but getting the shit beaten out of you will do that. But he’s conscious enough to ask if he got the kill. Because that will prove that he’s a real man or something.

God, Shadowhunter society is messed up.

Clary tells Alec that the demon is dead, which is apparently all he needed to make him happy and willing to undergo the excruciating pain of being healed. Seriously, what is up with this guy’s priorities?

And on another note, why is this such a big deal? It’s not like using Shadowhunter healing magic (sorry, “runes”) has really been treated with such severity before. I mean, is it a particularly painful process? I mean, yes, I could infer that, but honestly these people seem to whine about the tiniest little things, so they might be overreacting.

They actually get around to inspecting Alec’s wounds, and it turns out he got scratched by the demon’s claws, which is apparently a Big Deal. Simon suggests they take him to a hospital, but Jace and Isabelle put the kibosh on that because a regular doctor wouldn’t know how to treat these kinds of wounds.

They get Alec into the van, and just before they drive off, Jace says this to Simon.

“Drive fast, mundane,” he said. “Drive like hell was following you.”

Jace? Come here for a second.

Simon literally just saved your life, and those of your “friends”. Would it kill you to refer to him by his name? Oh, wait, he’s a mundane, so it’s not like he’s not a real person or anything.

Thank you, CC, for reminding me that, at the end of the day, Jace is still a racist prick.

Scene break to a few minutes later, and they’re still in the van.

Random Scene Break: 2

After we’re told the route they take (because that will be so useful to non-New Yorkers), we then move to Clary’s head, and she’s feeling all sad about Alec being hurt. Isabelle asks how much longer it’s going to take (ten minutes because, again, New York isn’t a car-friendly city), and then she does this:

“Simon – what you did, that was incredible. You moved so fast. I wouldn’t have thought a mundane could have thought of something like that.”

… Okay. On the one hand, thanks for finally acknowledging that Simon did something awesome. But Isabelle, you really should have stopped after “incredible”. Because everything after that just reeks of this ingrained, unintentional racism. And what makes it worse is that it’s coming from Isabelle, the one who so far has been the nicest of all three main Shadowhunters.

But what makes it even more obnoxious is the fact that apparently Clary/the narrator seems to think Simon should be amazed that one of the almighty Shadowhunters has deigned to bestow praise upon him. It reminds me of this bit from the Justice League cartoon. Yes, the praise is there, but the racist undertone makes the whole thing really uncomfortable. To quote one Amazon review (via tvtropes) it’s like “Simon’s mundane status [is] a crippling retardation he managed to overcome; apparently mundanes are incapable of dexterity, motor skills, or strategy?” So yeah, I can get why he isn’t fawning over Isabelle’s comment – it was a backhanded complement at best.

But rather than having Simon point all this out, CC has him explain that, because it took him so long to remember that there was a skylight in Clary’s building, it really wasn’t all that amazing. Don’t try to force him to be all humble, CC – Simon has once again proven to be more of a hero than your Draco knockoff. Leave him be.

Simon’s comment about the skylight does get Clary thinking, though – namely, that she did know about the skylight, and yet was totally useless. Just like she’s been since the very beginning. If this is an attempt to gain my sympathies, CC, you’re failing.

Even Jace complements Simon’s mad demon slaying skillz, and he has the decency to leave it as a simple “good job”. We then get into explaining what really happened, because once again, CC apparently thinks that if something isn’t explained to the audience, then they won’t understand it.

No Shit Sherlock: 1

Short answer that you’ve probably already figured out: Dorothea got possessed, and the demon hid most of itself in her magic door. Hence why they didn’t get any demon radio – it wasn’t technically in the building. This segues into Jace talking about the demon, and just how nasty it really was.

“Abbadon – one of the Ancients. The Lord of the Fallen.”
“Well, it looks like the Fallen will just have to learn to get along without him from now on,” said Simon, turning onto the street.
“He’s not dead,” Isabelle said. “Hardly anyone’s ever killed a Greater Demon. You have to kill them in their physical and ethereal forms before they’ll die. We just scared him off.”

Goddamnit, Isabelle, stop raining on Simon’s well deserved parade. And what do you mean, “we” scared him off? Last I checked, the three “trained demon hunters” were out for the count when Simon busted in and took it out with one shot. So, yeah, fuck you.

!http://ajikaslafma.wikispaces.com/file/view/fuck%20you%20(2).gif/355958548/fuck%20you%20(2).gif!

What is up with Isabelle this chapter? It’s like CC realized that she was too likeable and decided to crank Isabelle’s Scary Sue levels up to eleven.

Also, I’m not counting some of those capitalizations, because those probably are proper nouns.

Alec starts making choking noises because that’s what wounded people do, which gets Jace all pissy and demanding when they’ll get there. But no need to worry, because they’ve arrived.

Wait, what?

Plot Hole: 1

That was either the shortest ten minutes I’ve ever seen, or Simon’s driving is so good he managed to bend space. Seriously, all that talking should have taken maybe two minutes, tops. Maybe Simon drove through the plot hole.

Jace and Isabelle take Alec inside while Clary and Simon talks some more. Or to more accurately phrase it, Simon reassures Clary that she wasn’t completely useless on this trip, even though most of what she did was take up space and convert oxygen into carbon dioxide.

One scene break later, and Clary’s inside.

Random Scene Break: 3

Clary goes upstairs to the Infirmary (because having to carry wounded people up a flight of stairs is such a wonderful idea), and Alec’s already being treated. Hodge is playing doctor, with Isabelle serving as nurse. Meanwhile, Jace, who is “like a brother” to Alec, is standing out in the hall.

Now, I’ll admit that it’s hard to have someone you care about in the hospital. I’ve been though it a few times myself. Not everyone responds the same way – some might be overly comforting, some might go into denial, and some might just go into a kind of shock. But still, unless Jace was specifically told to stay out of the way, he should at least be in the room.

When Clary looks over at Jace, he opens his eyes, and his pupils are really dilated. Like, really, really dilated. They’re described as “all gold swallowed up in black.”

Um, dude? What’s up with your eyes? Are you high or something? Or is this just CC not understanding how eye dilation works?

Clary asks about Alec’s condition, and it seems that, in addition to losing a lot of blood, he’s also been poisoned, because apparently demons can do that. Go figure. Clary tries to sympathize, but Jace is having none of it, declaring Alec being wounded to be entirely his fault, and even quoting Catholic Mass (either because Christianity is Catholic or so we can have more Gratuitous Latin), specifically the phrase “mea culpa, mea maxima culpa”, which he translates as “my fault, my grievous fault.”

And yes, it is all in italics, because LATIN.

Weird Word Choice: 2

And now, a few quick fun facts regarding that phrase.

First, if you want to get technical, the phrase is “mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa”. Second, since it’s in the ablative case, it more accurately translates as “through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault.”

Back to sporking. Clary actually calls him on his quoting Catholic Mass, and Jace starts going off on how Shadowhunters don’t buy into religion, but they’re super serious about stuff like honor and guilt and penance. I don’t quite buy it, though, because as we’ve seen, Jace doesn’t quite seem to grasp the concept of taking responsibility for his actions. So him going on about how all this stuff is just ingrained in him comes across as really disingenuous.

Oh, wait, this time it’s Alec who’s laid up, not Simon. Never mind.

Jace goes on about how he should have noticed Alec’s behavior, and how he should have done something, and how during the fight he should have been thinking about his buddies instead of about the useless lump whose pants he’s trying to get into.

Yeah, CC really wants me to feel sorry for Jace, but it isn’t working. Again, for me to feel sorry for him, I actually have to kind of like him in the first place. So here, it feels less like he’s sorry, and more like he’s trying to turn this situation to his advantage.

And it works. Clary starts being all nice, saying that it’s totally not his fault, and thankfully Hodge shows up before this can get any sappier. He’s pumped enough drugs into Alec that the kid can sleep, but otherwise, there’s nothing he can do. They all start moving towards the library so Hodge can send a note to the Creepy Psychic Monks, because apparently this sort of thing also falls under their bailiwick.

(Hehe. I just got to use the word “bailiwick”. Awesome.)

Along the way, they explain that, yes, they did in fact find the MacGuffin Cup, something that Jace didn’t feel necessary to mention when he brought Alec in. Okay, yes, his priorities were in the right place, but you’d think he could have mentioned it somewhere along the line.

Hodge freezes up at this, so Clary pulls it out of her pocket to prove it. Then he starts acting really weird, talking about how Jace looks like his father, and then has his bird attack Clary.

Yeah, turns out that Hodge has been Evil All Along and, now that the Cup has been retrieved, is making his move.

I’m a bit iffy on this plot development. The usual problem with reveals like this are that there’s no evidence to back it up, or that it’s so obvious that the characters come off as stupid for not seeing it. This twist somehow manages to do both.

On the one hand, this feels like a complete ass-pull from CC. Yes, it’s a dramatic reveal, but you have to plant evidence for this kind of thing. For example, Prof. Quirrell being revealed as the real bad guy in the first Harry Potter book was a big twist, but in retrospect, you can see the clues. Here? Not so much. Hodge is around, but there’s really no reason to suspect him. At all. Which only supports the fanfic-like nature of the book – “Oh, I’ve written myself into a corner! What will I do? Uh… this guy is secretly a villain! Yeah!”

But on the other hand, we did learn that he was a member of the Deatheaters Al Qaida the Circle, so we know that he’s worked with Valentine before, and have no real proof that he’s repented his actions. So really, he shouldn’t have been let free in the first place, but as I said back when we learned this, the Shadowhunters are run by a bunch of morons.

So yeah, it’s bad writing versus idiotic world building.

After the commercial break

Random Scene Break: 4

Clary flails around a bit before falling on her ass, where she will remain for some time. There’s some indication that Hodge poisoned his bird’s talons, but let’s be honest – Clary’s been worthless for almost this entire book so far. Why should that change now?

Oh, and somehow Hodge has managed to incapacitate Jace as well. Wow. The Big Bad Demon Hunter just got taken down by a guy who’s got to be at least in his forties. My hero.

Unfortunately for us, Clary is still conscious, so of course she starts explaining exactly what’s been going on, presumably for the audience because Hodge already knows all of this. And then she accuses him of working for Valentine.

And then Hodge falls into the same trap that all the other villains of this book have.

Yep. He starts talking.

“I do not work for Valentine,” Hodge said […] “But I am Valentine’s man, it is true.”

Hey moron, why don’t you just sign a confession while you’re at it?

Hodge does something with Jace’s ring, has a brief talk with a voice from nowhere, and suddenly Valentine appears.

Yep. Three quarters of the way through the book, and the Big Bad finally makes an appearance. And immediately falls into the talking trap with Hodge. During their little chat, Hodge’s motivations are revealed (in detail), the reason why Alec and Isabelle’s parents got off so lightly despite being known terrorists (friends in high places), and then Hodge finally hands the MacGuffin Cup over. And the whole time, no one even mentions the fact that Clary’s right there and can hear everything.

I swear, if the villains in this book would just learn to keep their damn mouths shut, the heroes would be completely clueless.

Valentine grabs Jace, slaps Hodge on the chest and somehow removing the curse on him, and then departs, bringing our chapter to a close.

So that was chapter nineteen. It was mercifully short, and did contain one of the most awesome parts of the book, but my god did it bring the stupid. Yes, I skimmed over a lot of the text, but only because there’s not much to it beyond what I told you – a fight scene isn’t worth sporking, and villainous dialogue isn’t all that impressive.

As for the chapter title, well, it is pertinent to what happens. Unfortunately, it only applies to about half the chapter. Maybe something like “Revelations” would have been more appropriate.

On another note, after checking the archives, I note that it’s been of a year since my first sporking of this book posted. I really should have finished it a long time ago, but, well, I got lazy. But now we are only four chapters and an epilogue away from the end.

And with just shy of one quarter of the book left to go.

So here’s the goal – finish this book before November. I’m pretty sure I can do that.

Happy anniversary, everybody.

Counts:

Weird Word Choice: 2 (Total 92)
Rapier Twit: 2 (Total 65)
No Shit Sherlock: 1 (Total 38)
Plot Hole: 1 (Total 72)
Random Scene Break: 4 (Total 19)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 0 (Total 28)
Bitch: 1 (Total 23)

Comment [34]

So we pick up right were we left off: Jace has been kidnapped, Hodge just handed the MacGuffin over to Valentine, and Clary is possibly trapped inside a bubble. I might have failed to mention that last time, because honestly it just comes out of nowhere, and was really just a cheap excuse to have her be present and aware of her surroundings, but not actually have to participate in any way.

Kinda like how she’s been for the whole book, really.

Clary’s kicking and screaming and generally acting like a two-year-old, even demanding Hodge release her. Hodge, not being a complete idiot (no mean feat for a character in this book) says he won’t, because, well, she’d just try to kill him. Clary then offers to promise not to try to kill him, but again, Hodge says no. His reasoning is that, as she wasn’t raised as a Shadowhunter, her promise doesn’t really mean anything.

Well, considering how the kids that have been raised as Shadowhunters behave, I don’t see what makes them any more trustworthy. And no, I don’t buy Jace’s “I wouldn’t break a promise” line from chapter fourteen. Unless there’s actually some kind of consequence for these people breaking their promises, I’m not going to accept that they never break their promises.

Clary then tries to appeal to Hodge’s feelings for Jace by saying that Valentine is clearly going to kill Jace, but Hodge points out that Valentine didn’t say that (to be more specific, Valentine said that Jace would “be with his father soon”). Clary is, of course, really confused by this, but for once the bad guy doesn’t just explain the mystery for the hero. Guess even CC realized that there needs to be at least some mystery to keep the reader’s attention.

Unfortunately, he still feels the compulsion to hang around and talk to Clary, rather than ignore her like a sensible person. Most of this consists of telling Clary that she really doesn’t know what she’s talking about (well, duh), all while writing a letter. He doesn’t tell Clary it’s contents, but he does give us this wonderful rant:

“The past is nothing to you, not even another county as it is to the old, or a nightmare as it is to the guilty. The Clave laid this curse on me because I aided Valentine. But I was hardly the only member of the Circle to serve him – were the Lightwoods not as guilty as I was? Were not the Waylands? Yet I was the only one cursed to live out my life without being able to set so much as a foot outdoors, not so much as a hand out a window.”

Once again, I’m conflicted about this rant.

On the one hand, Hodge is right – of all of Valentine’s former cronies, he’s the only one who’s actually been punished. And the only reason for this that the text supports is that the Shadowhunter government is incredibly corrupt, as the Lightwoods had connections, and we can assume that the Waylands were rich.

But on the other hand, Hodge’s punishment is really just a slap on the wrist, considering what he did. Let’s face it – he was part of a terrorist organization, which attacked probably the most important political summit that these people have, with the goal of starting a war. If he were a real person, he’d be spending the rest of his life either in a tiny cell or a cave. So, yeah, what are you whining about? At least you have a toilet that isn’t a hole in the ground.

Back to the book. Clary counters that Jace shouldn’t be punished for what happened to Hodge, and again asserts that Valentine is going to kill Jace, just like he killed Jace’s father. So then Hodge drops this little bomb:

“Valentine,” said Hodge, “did not kill Jace’s father.”

Clary’s response is, of course, to deny this fervently, following the logic that, since Hodge has been revealed as a bad guy, everything he says is a lie. Because reasons.

Hodge points out just how stupid that line of reasoning is, and then says that, in his own way, he’s trying to do the right thing. Clary’s counter to this is that doing good doesn’t cancel out bad. However, as we’ve already seen, being attractive excuses everything.

Hodge finally gets fed up, and advises Clary to leave the Institute and forget all about the whole Shadowhunter business. To be honest, this is actually some good advise. Especially given how useless she’s been so far.

But Clary refuses, and Hodge does what he should have done about five minutes ago – walk out the door, leaving Clary trapped in her bubble.

And then we get a scene break.

Random Scene Break: 1

And when we come back, about half a second has passes, because Hodge is now closing the door. Really, I don’t understand why CC felt a breather was needed, if she wasn’t actually going to have time-skip or anything.

Clary has another hissy fit, kicking and punching the invisible wall despite knowing that it won’t accomplish anything. And I can admit that this behavior is understandable. But here’s the problem – she knows the building isn’t empty. She could try shouting for help. It’s even acknowledged that Isabelle is probably still waiting for Hodge to come back to treat Alec. It’s not inconceivable that she might come looking for Hodge after a few minutes.

But no, only Jace is allowed to “rescue” Clary, so CC does what she did back at the end of chapter seventeen and pulls a solution out of her ass.

And what is this solution? Well, Clary still has Jace’s magic drawing stick in her pocket, somehow having forgotten that it was there, and uses her inexplicable knowledge of runes to free herself.

Okay, here’s a question – how long are Shadowhunter wands? Because I’m imagining them to be a good six or more inches long, which is kinda big to shove in your pocket and forget about, especially since girls’ pants tend to have really tiny pockets. So how the hell did she forget it was there in the first place

Plot Hole: 1

Yes, Harry Potter shoved his wand in his pocket constantly, but he never seemed to forget it was there. Also, the Harry Potter books are just better all around.

Now free, Clary runs to the window to see Hodge crossing the street.

Okay, here’s the situation: Hodge is not only trained in combat, he’s also got decades more experience than Clary. So the logical thing to do would be to get Isabelle (the only Shadowhunter not out of commission) and go after Hodge. They might not have experience on their side, but they will have numbers.

So what does Clary do? Go after Hodge on her own.

Yeah, Clary’s a moron.

She chases Hodge into an alley, which for some reason reminds Clary of a poem she read once in English, and also name-drops the chapter title

I think we’re in rats’ alley/ Where the dead men lost their bones.

My google-fu informs me that this is from T.S. Eliot’s The Waste Land, specifically lines 115-16. Now, why Clary, who we’ve been told is very well-read, can’t remember one of the more well-known works of a fairly famous writer, I can’t imagine. Also, I can’t help feeling that this is yet another reference whose sole purpose is to show how “literary” CC is.

Still, I will give CC some credit – at least it’s not the most well-known lines from the poem.

Hodge tells Clary that following him was a mistake (uh, duh), and then Clary tries to threaten him.

In all seriousness, though – CC, stop trying to tell me that Clary is even remotely threatening. Not only is she tiny, she’s also sat out most of the fights in this book. You want me to think she’s a badass, then have her do something badass. Like Simon.

Anyway, Clary offers Hodge a deal – Valentine’s location for his freedom. But Hodge turns that down, based on the reasonable assumption that, if he takes the deal, Valentine will kill him. Valentine might suck as a villain, but at least he knows not to tolerate betrayal. Clary counters that the Shadowhunters will do the same, and then gets indignant about him betraying them, especially given what they assume Valentine’s plan is.

But Hodge just laughs all that off, and gives a perfectly good reason not to care about the Shadowhunters.

“I fear Valentine more than the Clave, and so would you, if you were wise,” he said.

Let’s face it – as lame as Valentine might be, at least he’s a credible threat. We’ve seen how Shadowhunters punish their own, even when they’re the worst of the worst. What are they gonna do, send Hodge to California? Oh, yeah, Hodge should be terrified.

So then Clary tries to appeal to his conscience, reminding us that Valentine will probably kill a lot of kids with his experiments. And this maybe, briefly reaches Hodge, which is actually kind of shocking. Given how all the other Shadowhunters treat mundanes, I’m surprised that he’s even bothered by the thought of mundane children being killed.

But that ends quickly, and Hodge just asks straight-out why she cares about any of this. Clary’s response is that she “can’t just walk away.”

Huh. See, if I were writing this, I’d have had her mention that her mother’s still in danger. Remember her? The whole reason for Clary being here in the first place? No? Well, I can’t blame you – both Clary and CC more or less completely forgot about Jocelyn Frey about half-way through the book.

Thankfully, we’re spared any more chit-chat, because Hodge again does what he should have about five minutes ago – in this case, attack Clary. And his weapon of choice is the “_chakhram_”, and yes, it is italicized every time it’s mentioned.

Weird Word Choice: 1

Also, as near as I can tell, Hodge is holding and throwing the things, it’s almost like they’re just metal frisbees. Yes, they’re just as lethal this way, but it’s not the popular/traditional method of throwing a chakram. I wouldn’t be surprised if CC’s only exposure to these things was from watching episodes of Xena.

Hodge chucks one past Clary as a warning shot, and once again tells her to run. And once again, Clary is stupid and doesn’t run for some reason, so Hodge prepares to chuck another death frisbee at her.

And so Clary is once again staring death in the face, with no clear way out. So, what do you think CC will do? You have 30 seconds.

…

…

…

Okay, pencils down. If your answer was anything along the lines of “deus ex machina”, you’re right!

Once again a werewolf pops up out of nowhere, and leaps between Clary and Hodge. Strangely, Hodge seems to recognize the wolf, and tries to have a conversation with it. This goes about as well as expected, considering that only one of the parties is currently capable of speech at the moment, and the wolf doesn’t appear to be interested in what Hodge is selling anyway.

So of course they fight, with Hodge embedding one of his killer frisbees in the wolf’s side, only to get bit in return. And then he faints, because I guess being locked in a church for the better part of twenty years isn’t conducive to maintaining one’s stamina. Then again, this is why prisoners are allowed to exercise on a regular basis.

Clary’s hind-brain finally kicks in, and she tries to run, only for the wolf to nab her before she gets back to the street. She starts falling, screams a bit, and then hits her head and passes out. I guess it’s good that it was her head that potentially got injured. It’s mostly just storage space anyway.

We skip ahead to when Clary finally wakes up. She’s in a small room that smells like wet dog. Gee, I wonder why. She sits up, causing her head to hurt. Yeah, hitting your head will do that. She then loks in the mirror, noticing scratches along one side of her face, as well as a lot of dried blood. She panics for a minute, and relaxes when she finds that she still has Jace’s magic stick.

And it’s only now that she realizes that one of the walls consists of bars.

She was in a jail cell.

No Shit Sherlock: 1

My god, Clary really is completely oblivious to her surroundings. And just to clarify, she realized that something was “off” about the room when she woke up. And it was only after sitting up, getting a headache, checking her appearance, has a bit of a panic attack, and then notices the bars.

Ugh. Moving on.

And then Luke comes in and opens the door to he cell. The shock of this causes Clary to almost pass out again.

Luke of course rushes to her side and starts fretting over her, but Clary is having none of it. She berates him for abandoning her and lying to her. And, since Clary is the Sue, Luke has to lie back and take it. And then she notices that the side of his shirt is soaked with blood.

No Shit Sherlock: 2

When she asks about this, he makes a comment about opening the wound while carrying her, leading Clary to ask how he got wounded. Luke then says that Hodge’s arm might kinda suck, but he can still throw a mean razor frizbee. And then Clary puts it together:

“You’re a werewolf.”

No Shit Sherlock: 3

I mean, really. The last thing you remember was getting grabbed by a werewolf, then you wake up in a room smelling like dog, and then Luke shows up. For most people, that might be enough, but not for our Clary! No, she needs to be walked through every little mystery.

I’m calling it. Clary Frey is the dumbest YA protagonist this side of Bella Swan.

Luke confirms it, and then they briefly discuss the fight with Hodge. Unfortunately, Luke didn’t kill him, though why I can’t imagine. Clary then tells him that Valentine kidnapped Jace, and Luke is surprised by this, and reveals that he’d been listening to Clary and Hodge’s entire conversation and did not, in fact, just pop up out of nowhere. I’m actually impressed that Clary managed to put that together on her own without Luke flat out telling her. However, I’m disappointed that she hadn’t figured that out already.

Two of Luke’s werewolf buddies show up at this point. Their names are Gretel and Alaric. I’m picking up on a theme here. Also, Luke is apparently the leader of the werewolves, since he refers to them as his “second and third.”

Now, I understand the reasoning behind the werewolves having a pack hierarchy, but why not just stick with Greek terminology to keep the wolf connection (alpha, beta, gamma, etc.)? Whatever.

Alaric mentions that he and Clary have already met. Remember the werewolf that Clary somehow managed to hit with her borrowed knife? Yep – that was Alaric. Oh, and he’s not angry at this. Quite the contrary – he complements Clary on her awesome (and still inexplicable) knife throwing skills, and even returns the knife!

Thanks, CC. I’d almost forgotten how totally awesome Clary’s supposed to be, what with her being completely useless and idiotic most of the time.

Alaric (or maybe Luke, the phrasing is a bit confusing) then says that their attack on the vampire nest was a bad idea, and seems about to say that the only reason the wolves went in was to protect Clary, which gets this reaction from our protagonist:

“Jace and I could have handled it.”

Really, Clary? How exactly were you going to “handle” it? Jace openly antagonized the vamps, while you sat back and cowered. Let’s face it – if it weren’t for the werewolves sudden appearance (and Simon’s brilliant leadership), the two of you would have been vampire chow.

Of course, no one actually points this out to Clary, because she’s the Sue. Instead, Gretel asks why Luke sent for them. I guess in this universe, werewolves are telepathic. Great.

Luke mentions his wound, and that Clary’s a bit bruised as well, so of course Gretel goes to get the first aid kit. Oh, I’m sorry, “healing kit.” Because magic and shit.

Weird Word Choice: 2

Also, once again we have the only girl playing nurse. The way they were introduced, I assumed that Gretel was second-in-command. I guess chromosomes trump rank.

It seems that Clary’s brain overheated, because now Luke has to explain that he’s the head of the local werewolves, because him referring to Gretel and Alaric as his “second and third” and Gretel calling him “sir” didn’t make that obvious enough.

Oh, and apparently Gretel used to call Luke “master”.

Okay, sidebar. Again, I get the werewolves having a pack hierarchy, really I do. But the idea of it being a rigid one just rubs me the wrong way.

As a counter example, let’s take the lycans from the Underworld franchise. While Lucian is unquestionably the leader, and he does clearly have a second-in-command, there’s never any titles or honorifics used. I mean, look at Lucian’s first appearance. Yes, he’s in charge, but he has to threaten the other lycans to keep them in line (in this case, with a shotgun).

Clary asks if her mom knows about Luke being a werewolf, and he says she does. Then Clary asks why he didn’t tell her, and Luke’s answer is exactly what anyone who’s been paying attention would guess – Jocelyn didn’t want to expose Clary to the supernatural, and Luke revealing he’s a werewolf would have inevitably led to Clary finding out about other supernatural stuff. Clary should have been able to figure this out.

Then again, she can’t seem to remember that her mother or best friend even exist half the time, so I guess her not putting this together really shouldn’t surprise me.

Clary then tells Luke everything she’s learned since her mom’s kidnapping, and tops it all off with the conversation she overheard between Luke and Valentine’s cronies, specifically mentioning how he claimed not to care about Jocelyn. Luke points out that he had no idea where the MacGuffin Cup was. Clary says that he could have tried bargaining with Valentine, but Luke explains that Valentine isn’t exactly the bargaining type. This, of course, sets Clary off.

(Apologies in advance for several big quotes. But at least the chapter’s almost over.)

“So you decided to abandon her?” Clary demanded ferociously. “You’re the leader of a whole pack of werewolves and you decided she didn’t even really need your help? You know, it was bad enough when I thought you were another Shadowhunter and you’d turned your back on her because of some stupid Shadowhunter vow or something, but now I know you’re just another slimy Downworlder who didn’t even care that all those years she treated you like a friend – like an equal – and this is how you paid her back?”

Wow. Clary’s been hanging out with Jace and the other Shadowhunters for maybe a week, and she’s already picked up their racism. “Slimy Downworlder”? Really?

And we’ve seen how Jace, Alec, and Isabelle treat Downworlders who they supposedly like, and I wouldn’t say that they treat them as “equals”.

Also, has Clary completely forgotten her little chat with Hodge about her treatment of Simon? And about how their relationship is a lot like the one between Jocelyn and Luke? And how Luke might just resent Jocelyn, and feel that she’s been taking advantage of him for years? Yeah, that doesn’t sound like they’re “equals” either.

Bitch: 1

Seriously, fuck you, Clary.

But it seems that this is too much for Luke, and he calls Clary on her shit. But he still doesn’t snap at her.

“Listen to you,” Luke said quietly. “You sound like a Lightwood.”
She narrowed her eyes. “Don’t talk about Alec and Isabelle like you know them.”
“I meant their parents,” Luke said. “Whom I did know, very well in fact, when we were all Shadowhunters together.”

It’s nice that at least someone in this book remembers that most of the main characters are the children of former Nazi terrorists.

This of course overloads Clary’s brain again, because she can’t quite fathom how Luke managed to keep the fact that he was a “slimy Downworlder” from the other members of Valentine’s little group. So of course Luke has to explain that like most victims of lycanthropy, he wasn’t born with it. And then he preps to tell Clary his life’s story, bringing the chapter to a close.

If I had to describe this chapter with a single word, it would be “fail”. If I got another, it would be “stupid”. At no point in this chapter does Clary actually put any thought into anything. At all. I get that she might not have been thinking clearly after Hodge ran out, but what’s he excuse for her conversation with Luke? Head injury? Or was CC afraid that her audience might not understand all this unless it’s explained in excruciating detail? And the only thing Clary actually manages to do something on her own is accomplished via authorial intervention.

But it’s not as if the few other characters in this chapter act all that intelligently either. How much time does Hodge waste talking to Clary when he should be running? If his only goal is to escape the reach of the Clave, then shouldn’t he be trying to put as much distance between himself and the Institute as possible? Oh, wait, then he wouldn’t have been able to emphasize that whole bit about how Valentine didn’t kill Jace’s father.

And given that that plot point was dropped like a ton of bricks, I can’t believe that most of the readers didn’t figure it out. And if they didn’t, then that doesn’t say much for their cultural awareness or intelligence.

So part two has come to a close. There’s only three chapters and an epilogue left, which somehow manages to take up a whole fifth of the total text. And brace yourselves for next time, because it’s just one long exposition dump. See you then.

Counts:

Weird Word Choice: 2 (Total 94)
Rapier Twit: 0 (Total 65)
No Shit Sherlock: 3 (Total 41)
Plot Hole: 1 (Total 73)
Random Scene Break: 1 (Total 20)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 0 (Total 28)
Bitch: 1 (Total 24)

Comment [26]

Hi, folks! I’m back, and today we begin the third and final part of City of Bones, which CC gave the wonderful title of The Descent Beckons. The title comes from the William Carlos Williams poem, The Descent, as the Page Quote helpfully demonstrates

The descent beckons
as the ascent beckoned.

Now I’ll admit, as an opening, that’s pretty good. It’s very fraught with meaning. However, a little bit of research (or just reading the poem) reveals that Williams was being metaphorical. Poets will do that. In the poem, Williams is “descending” into memory, how things could have gone, and how even bad stuff can be good in a way.

But that’s not what matters to CC. All that’s important is that, out of context, those opening lines sound deep and meaningful.

Oh, and it appears that The Descent is also the source of that phrase “memory of whiteness”, so presumably CC has read the poem.

On to the chapter itself. First, unlike every other chapter, this one is told in first-person. Now, I can understand the reasoning – this is basically a transcript of Luke’s story. But rather than have Luke and Clary actually talk to each other (and it’s not like CC is so against her characters talking a lot), CC decided to have one chapter randomly be in an entirely different style. And it’s just a weird and awkward as that bit from Jace’s POV in chapter eighteen.

Also, this chapter is just one long-ass info dump. We’re four-fifths of the way through the book, and CC decides that now is the time to explain the background of the villain, Clary’s mom, and the reasons for what’s going on now.

This is not how you book, people.

Anyway, chapter. Apparently Shadowhunter land is either really tiny or severely underdeveloped, as there’s only a few towns and a single city. Of course it’s described in glowing terms, because it’s not as if different people might not find the same scenery attractive. But if I stop to pick at everything, we’ll be here all day.

Basically, Luke and Jocelyn are expys of Snape and Lilly Potter. Jocelyn was, of course, a complete natural at killing things. Luke, not so much. He even considered leaving and living as a mundane. Which is implied to just be the most horrible thing ever.

Are there no characters in this book that I can actually like?

But then Valentine came down from the heavens and helped Luke out. Luke even says he “worshipped” Valentine, just to drive that image of Valentine as a deity home. And it turns out that Big V was also picking up other losers, including Hodge, Papa Lightwood, and the eventual Mama Lightwood, Maryse Trueblood.

Weird Word Choice: 1

Seriously? “Trueblood”? Does CC just not realize how stupid all these names sound, especially given how none of them sound remotely Frano-Germanic?

And for some reason, Luke feels compelled to mention that her brother married a mundane.

Wait, I thought there were rules about Shadowhunters marrying mundanes.

Plot Hole: 1

I guess the Lightwoods are supposed to be like the Blacks or something.

Anyway, Luke says that, in retrospect, Valentine might just have been setting up his own personal cult. Given how Luke described his feelings towards Valentine, I think we can confirm it.

We learn a bit more about Velentine’s motives. He was really worried about the low birthrate of Shadowhunters, and wanted to use the MacGuffin Cup to make more. In fact, he wanted to make all mundanes into Shadowhunters, completely tearing away the whole Masquerade. But of course the Shadowhunter bosses said no, claiming that it’s not their right to decide that sort of thing. Not that doing so would result in a lot of deaths, but because it’s some kind of Divine Right issue.

And of course this whole issue could be resolved if they bothered to learn even basic genetics – one of the side-effects of inbreeding is a lowering of the population’s birth rate. So that whole “no boinking mundanes” rule is ultimately going to lead to bite the Shadowhunters in the ass.

Anyway, this whole thing leads to Valentine and his cronies form the Circle, with the goal of keeping the Shadowhunters from dying out. But of course they had no idea, supposedly because they were stupid teenagers. In reality, I think it was because they didn’t have to take a high school biology class. Seriously – increase your breeding stock. It’s not that crazy an idea.

But Valentine got pushed over the edge when his dad dies. Oh, and you need to know how he got killed – “in a routine raid on a werewolf encampment.”

Read that again. The Shadowhunters regularly attacked werewolves. And the werewolves are allegedly the Downworlders that Shadowhunters have the best relationship with, even if said relationship just mutual avoidance. I’d hate to see how they treat their allies.

Plot Hole: 2

On the bright side for Valentine, he did get some pity sex from Jocelyn. Or she was really into emotionally damaged guys.

More importantly, though, is yet more ho yay – Luke describes his feelings for Valentine as “love”, and that they were super-best buddies, just like Jace and Alec. Given that Jace and Alec are also bestest buddies, it’s really hard to miss the subtext. Keep this is mind – it adds a whole new layer to the relationship.

Luke says he was totally cool with Valentine and Jocelyn hooking up (yeah, right), but started getting a bit freaked when Valentine started getting more extreme. Despite this, Luke stayed with him in the Circle, hoping that he and Jocelyn could rein Valentine in a bit.

Oh, random aside – the Lightwoods were just as extreme as Valentine. And they’re now serving as diplomats. That’s like putting former members of the KKK in charge of the NAACP. Why would you do this?

Wait, Shadowhunters are morons. Never mind.

Speaking of which, the Circle started going full-on lynch mob, killing any Downworlders who violated the Shadowhunter-dictated laws. Valentine even started torturing some of them, because CC needs to make him as unlikable as possible. But Luke was still carrying a torch, so he stuck around.

And then Jocelyn got preggers. And was becoming afraid of her husband. But apparently Shadowhunters don’t believe in divorce, because she stuck around.

Luke told Valentine about Jocelyn’s concerns, but Valentine just shook them off. And then they went hunting. It’s here that we learn that Luke and Valentine were indeed super-best closer-than-brothers partners, effectively confirming my theory. Luke got bit by a werewolf (duh), and ended up staying with them until they can confirm whether he’s a werewolf or not. When it is, Valentine dragged Luke out of the house, handed him a knife, and said that Luke should just kill himself.

Wow, man, that’s cold. I mean, yeah, Valentine’s supposed to be this huge racist and probably has a special hatred for werewolves, but telling your supposed bestest buddy to commit suicide? That is harsh.

But obviously Luke didn’t kill himself, otherwise we wouldn’t be listening to his boring ass story. No, instead he ran off to kill the wolf who bit him, because apparently werewolves are also stupid, as they don’t move away from the people who regularly attack them.

Everyone in this book is stupid and I hate them. Except for Simon, because he’s awesome. But still stupid.

Anyway, Luke found the werewolves, and it turned out that he got bit by the pack’s alpha. Of course. They fought, Luke killed him, and all the other wolves effectively rolled over and accepted him as their new leader. Yes, I understand the logic here, but I can’t help but note that Luke was a complete outsider, and had no leadership experience, and on top of that, was raised as a Shadowhunter and was a member of a radical anti-Downworlder organization. And it appears that none of these werewolves even considered this, because, once again, they’re stupid.

(Oh, and an aside – much like the other non-heterosexual super-best buddy, Luke was the ranged fighter. Only he was stupid, because his weapon of choice was a crossbow. Which isn’t exactly the best weapon for frantic, close quarters combat.)

So Luke lived among the savages werewolves for a while, but never quite got over his breakup with Valentine Jocelyn, but couldn’t do anything about it.

But then one day Jocelyn suddenly showed up, with her bouncing baby boy Jonathan Christopher in tow. Why are we told the baby’s first and middle name? Because CC is a bit heavy-handed with the foreshadowing.

Jocelyn was a bit pissed that Luke didn’t tell her he was still alive, because apparently “you’re husband would have killed me” isn’t much of an excuse in her eyes. Oh, Valentine told everyone that Luke had committed suicide, but she didn’t believe it. Never mind that Valentine handed Luke the knife and left him in the woods and probably just assumed Luke did it. Nah, Valentine was lying.

And it appears that Luke wasn’t doing a very good job hiding his existence, because that’s how Jocelyn found him – wide spread rumors of an ex-Shadowhunter werewolf. Luke, were you even trying?

Well, Valentine heard said rumors too, and was planning on hunting Luke down, hence Jocelyn’s sudden appearance. And when Valentine does show up, Luke decides to hide rather than confront him. Because he looovves him

After that, Luke and Jocelyn continued to meet in secret. Because that’s what you should do when you’re trying to conceal your existence from a psychotic racist who wanted to kill you – hang out with his wife on a regular basis.

Then the Accords came around, and of course Valentine was all over stopping that shit. But the Shadowhunter bosses brush him off, because at this point he’s basically a crazy guy ranting about Downworlders. As near as I can tell, this is the first signing of the Accords. Meaning that the Shadowhunters and Downworlders have only been at peace for less than twenty years, and before that the Shadowhunters were just enforcing laws on the Downworlders with no authority. So why were Alec and Isabelle so incredulous that Downworlders don’t welcome them with open arms?

Plot Hole: 3

Stymied, the Circle decided to get help from some demons to sneak weapons into the meeting.

Wait, what? What kind of sense does that make? Why would a radical group of Shadowhunters get help from the things that they’re supposed to fight? This makes no sense!

Plot Hole: 4

Then again, some Starfleet guys joined up with a couple Klingons in an attempt to avert the “Khitomer Accords,”: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Khitomer_Accords#Khitomer_Accords so what the hell do I know.

Oh, and Valentine used demonic help to steal the MacGuffin Cup, just for an extra dose of WTF-ery.

So Luke and Jocelyn started warning people about the Circle’s plans. Everyone except the Shadowhunters, that is, because why bother trying to prevent the attack in the first place when you can let it turn into an international incident?

But that’s okay, because Luke got to spend time with Jocelyn, and that makes it all better.

The actual day finally came, and Luke followed Jocelyn and Valentine to the meeting. We’re told that their kid had “white-blond” hair because, again, CC doesn’t get subtlety.

And it’s here that I start to realize just how idiotic Valentine really is. So, the meeting hall was packed with Downwolders and Shadowhunters, and when the actual signing was to happen, he and his cronies stood up, pulled out their weapons, and presumably started slaughtering people.

You know, I could get them crashing the conference. I could get them trying to assassinate the leadership of the Shadowhunters and Downworlders. Heck, I could grasp them trying to blow up the whole meeting.

But this? They walked in, sat there for what I assumed must have been a pretty long time, completely aware of just how badly outnumbered they were… and went along with Valentine’s plan anyway.

Luke and his pack busted in after this, making me wonder how he learned about what Valentine and the other members of the Circle did.

Plot Hole: 4

The shit had really hit the fan, with everyone fighting and whatnot. And of course Luke calls vampires “Night Children”, even though he called them vampires only three paragraphs ago.

Weird Word Choice: 2

Jocelyn used some magic to mark the Shadowhunters who weren’t members of the Circle, presumably because doing the exact opposite would make too much sense, despite Luke saying that the Circle’s numbers had grown since he left.

Luke ran around searching for Valentine so he could confess his true feelings kill him. They bantered a bit, if you can call it that, until Jocelyn showed up and tried to break up the fight. But by this point, Valentine just went full-on Darth Vader on them, about how they both betrayed him, etc. And then he ripped Jocelyn’s silver necklace off her and chucked it at Luke. Why didn’t Jocelyn the amazingly skilled Shadowhunter fight back?

Best I can figure is that, as Jocelyn is the woman in this love triangle, she’s not allowed to fight, regardless of her previously alluded to skills.

Rather than actually have it out, though, Valentine skipped straight to the end, vowing revenge and running off like a little bitch. Also, apparently he was the only important member of the Circle, as once he disappears, the fighting ends. The building they were all in being on fire might also have had something to do with it.

Outside, Jocelyn suddenly realized that she’d left her son all alone, and went riding off into the night like a romance novel heroine, with Luke in hot pursuit.

By the time Luke caught up with her, Jocelyn and Valentine’s house had burnt down. But not with normal fire, no, Valentine used special demon fire to destroy it. Which Luke burns so hot that it destroys almost everything it touches.

And I have to call bullshit on this, or at least say that CC doesn’t understand what temperature certain things burn at. We’re told that this fire burns so hot that it reduced the bricks and mortar of the house to dust, and yet conveniently left the bones of Joceln’s mom,Valentine, and lil’ Jonathan Christopher.

Now, according to wiki answers, bricks ignite at about 870ºC. On the other hand, crematoriums temperatures range from 760-1150ºC. On top of that, the fire also melted Valentine’s dad’s silver dagger. Silver melts at about 962ºC So, if this special magic fire was hot enough to melt metal and leave nothing but dust from brick, it was certainly hot enough to burn bones.

But CC needed convenient proof that these people were dead.

I know I said this before, but the Shadowhunters should really invest in forensic dentistry. Mundanes have recognized this as a valid means of identification for decades. Get with the times, people.

Jocelyn had a bit of a breakdown, and the pair eventually fled. And to Paris, or all places. She eventually revealed that she was pregnant, sold some of her jewelry, and bought a ticket to the US. They split up, and just before leaving Jocelyn told Luke that she didn’t think Valentine was dead.

A belief that Luke completely ignored, as he went back to living among the apes with the werewolves. But with Jocelyn gone, Luke was separated from both the loves of his life, so of course he was miserable. Not that this stopped him from being the most amazing alpha ever, if he says so himself (which he does).

But despite fighting and living alongside them for a long time, Luke never quite fit in with the werewolves. In his own words, he was “too much human – too much Shadowhuner” to really be at home with the pack. I’m sure it had nothing to do with probably being a bit of a racist prick.

Not that any of that stopped Luke from signing for the werewolves when the time to sign the Accords came around. Because despite only being a werewolf for a short period of time and a former Shadowhunter, he somehow qualifies to represent the entire werewolf society in probably the most important political they have. Not, say, the oldest, or the most experienced, or their chief diplomat. Nah, Luke’s closest, so it’s less of a hassle.

Oh, and the Lightwoods were at the signing as well. Because that’s exactly the kind of people who should be present at a major peace conference – two of the people most actively opposed to it.

They explained that they were being “punished” by being sent to New York, that they were bringing Hodge with them, and that Michael Wayland had apparently taken up living like a hermit. Because we really need to be reminded that not only is the Shadowhunter leadership stupid, they’re also horribly corrupt.

After this, Luke decided to totally abandon his pack, because he’s competing with Jacob Black to see who can be the worse werewolf leader. He went to Paris, then London, hopped a boat to Boston and wandered around North America for a while.

And then one day he was randomly wandering through SoHo and spotted a painting of Jocelyn’s family’s house, and figures that she had to have painted it, supposedly because he has a creepy knowledge of Jocelyn’s style. Because it’s not like someone else could have painted a random landscape that just happens to look like her house, and just happens to have a similar style. Nah, that would be stupid.

Oh, wait, then he read the signature. See, that’s much less creepy and stalker-esque.

But then he goes right back to being a creepy stalker, because he tracked her down and went to Jocelyn’s house. Rather than, say, calling her and arranging a meeting like a normal person.

And that’s it. Chapter over.

So, what did we learn from this info dump of a chapter?

We learned a bit about Valentine: that he started out as a well-intentioned activist who got pushed into crazed-zealot territory by the sudden and pointless death of his father, that he was presumably somewhat charismatic, and that he sucked at tactics.

We also learned a bit about Luke: that he sucked both as a Shadowhunter and as a werewolf, that he might be bi-sexual, and that he’s just like every other Shadowhunter in being a racist prick.

(Seriously, the whole Luke-Valentine-Jocelyn relationship being an actual love triangle makes so much sense. I bet Jocelyn was the problem, too – too much of a prude to put up with having two guys who love her and each other in the same way.)

And finally, we have proof that everyone in this universe (or at least all the supernaturals) are mind-numbingly stupid.

But apart from that? Nothing. Nothing we learn in this chapter does anything to further the plot. It’s interesting, but it doesn’t belong here. The Big Bad has kidnapped the Designated Love Interest and has the MacGuffin. Now is not the time for the heroes to be sitting on their asses having a chat!

Counts:

Weird Word Choice: 2 (Total 96)
Rapier Twit: 0 (Total 65)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 (Total 41)
Plot Hole: 4 (Total 77)
Random Scene Break: 0 (Total 20)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 0 (Total 28)
Bitch: 0 (Total 24)

Comment [13]

So, last time we had Story Time with Luke, where we learned that all Shadowhunters are racist assholes, werewolves are morons, and Luke is bi-sexual and used to boink Valentine.

Okay, maybe CC didn’t come out and say that, but the subtext was there.

Anyway, chapter twenty-two begins with Luke asking for Clary to respond to his lengthy and out-of-place info dump. Now you’d think that Clary probably fell asleep, but no, she’s just been shocked into silence. Unfortunately, the narrator has not.

She felt as if her life had been built on a sheet of ice as thin as paper, and now the ice was beginning to crack, threatening to send her into the icy darkness below. Down into the dark water, she thought, where all her mother’s secrets drifted in the currents, the forgotten remains of a shipwrecked life.

Weird Word Choice: 1

Holy Overwrought Metaphor, Batman!

I mean, wow. Did CC or her editor think that was such a wonderful piece of writing that just so perfectly encapsulated Clary’s experience so far? Because that bounced around like a Super Ball (crap, now I’m doing it). I mean, look at that thing – it goes from thin ice to dark water to a shipwreck. What the hell was CC thinking?

I guess just saying that Clary’s life had crumbled beneath her feet wasn’t quite purple enough.

Okay, moving on. Can’t get bogged down, we’ve just started.

So, of the multitude of implications from Luke’s story, she focuses on the fact that the man she always thought was her dad was not, in fact, her actual dad. He wasn’t a complete work of fiction, though – Clary’s mom was hired by her neighbors to do a painting of the guy after he died, and Jocelyn kept the photo. So of course Jocelyn decided to use the dead guy as her fake husband.

Remarkably, it appears that Clary’s brain has cooled off, as she doesn’t quite need the fact that Valentine is her real father spelled out to her.

No Shit Sherlock: 1

However, she does have the exact same reaction that Luke Skywalker did. Which then leads to a wonderful conversation.

“That’s not possible. It’s just not possible.”
“Clary, please don’t get upset-”
“Don’t get upset? You’re telling me my dad is a guy who’s basically an evil overlord, and you want me not to get upset?”
“He wasn’t evil to begin with,” Luke said, sounding almost apologetic.
“Oh, I beg to differ. I think he was clearly evil. All that stuff he was spouting about keeping the human race pure and the importance of untainted blood – he was like one of those creepy white power guys. And you two totally fell for it.”
“I wasn’t the one talking about ‘slimy’ Downworlders just minutes ago,” Luke said quietly. “Or how they couldn’t be trusted.”
“That’s not the same thing!”

Bitch: 1

Okay, Clary? Let’s talk for a spell. Now yes, Valentine was very clearly a nasty character, and comparing him to a “creepy white power guy” is pretty apt. And yes, you have every right to be angry that Luke and your mom went along with him.

But you really don’t have any ground to stand on, as Luke pointed out. As was mentioned in the War and Democide Never Again spork, just because you’re not burning crosses and lynching people, that doesn’t make you not racist. And judging someone based solely on an entirely arbitrary trait? Yeah, that’s racist.

And all your new friends? Like, say, Jace? They’re all racist. Hell, even Luke’s racist. Because they all seem to think that mundanes (you know, like your “best friend” Simon?) are inherently inferior to both Shadowhunters and Downworlders.

But since Clary is the Sue, Luke’s point is completely dropped in order to discuss Clary’s newly discovered relatives, all of whom were dead before she was born, including lil’ Jonathan Christopher. And remarkably, she puts two and two together to figure out that the box her mom was always crying over wasn’t full of her dad’s stuff, but her brother’s.

No Shit Sherlock: 2

And that Luke’s comment about how “Clary wasn’t Johnathan” was also referring to her brother.

No Shit Sherlock: 3

Yeah, Nancy Drew she ain’t.

Suddenly Gretel comes back in with the “healing kit” and proceeds to treat Clary’s wounds.

Weird Word Choice: 2

Shouldn’t someone else be doing this? I mean, she’s Luke’s second in command. Is she the only one who knows how to treat wounds? Because if so, could someone please explain that? Otherwise it looks like you can’t fight if you have a vagina. It’s a proven scientific fact.

Also, and the “healing kit” consists of bandages, bowls containing God alone knows what, and some random herbs, and it’s all kept on a tray rather than, say, in an easy transportable box with everything pre-packed. Like, say, a First Aide Kit. That way they could focus on, you know, healing the injured person instead of wasting ten minutes boiling water and mixing potions while they lay there in agony.

Oh, wait, that wouldn’t be “magical” would it? And God knows the last thing you want in an Urban Fantasy story is for supernatural people to use the same stuff normal people do. That would be stupid.

Gretel asks about Clary’s wounds, because it would have been weird to asks about them sooner I guess, so Clary explains that she got attacked by Hodge’s raven, which I still find hilarious. Don’t get me wrong, I think ravens are awesome, as well as surprisingly big (common ravens range from 22 – 30 in. long and have wingspans between 40 and 59 in.), but they’re not exactly what you might consider badasses among birds. But it turns out that the bird originally belonged to Valentine, that he used to have another, and that he trained both of them as attack birds.

I have to wonder at this. Yes, ravens are smart, but there are so many other birds that are more suited to this sort of thing. But I guess they aren’t quite creepy/evil enough or something.

(Also, fun/cool fact – a group of ravens is called a “conspiracy” or an “unkindness”. Not quite as cool as crows, though – their collective noun is a “murder”.)

Luke tries to comfort Clary, but she decides that there are more important issues to be dealt with – namely that Valentine now has her mom (wow, glad you finally remembered that), her fuck buddy not-quite boyfriend, and, oh yeah, the MacGuffin Cup, and they don’t even know where the hell he is. But Luke’s on hand to point out that thing’s aren’t totally hopeless – they have an entire pack of werewolves at their disposal! A pack that will change loyalties to whoever kills their leader without so much as blinking an eye, but who cares! They’re just filthy slimy Downwolders, after all.

Clary then asks if maybe Valentine has some kind of hideout. Why she’s asking, I’m not sure, since if anyone here knew about it, then it wouldn’t be much of a hideout now would it? Luke says much the same, but phrased in a way that doesn’t imply Clary is dumber than a sack of hammers for asking.

Once again CC has written her characters into a corner, so she once again uses the magic of Authorial Intervention to get them out. But first, we have to have yet another moment of idiotic phrase-related comedy. In this case, the phrase in question is “wait a second”, which Luke thinks is weird for Clary to say, because he obviously wasn’t planning on leaving! Mundanes say the silliest things!

Rapier Twit: 1

It wasn’t funny when Jace did it, and it’s even less funny now, because Luke supposedly deals with normal people on a regular basis. CC, it doesn’t make you clever to make jokes like this – it just makes your characters look arrogant and/or stupid.

But back to Clary’s “revelation”, which she chooses to explain here. Valentine came through a Portal

Weird Word Choice: 3

when he entered the Institute, and we assume he’s in New York. And, as Magnus Bane mentioned way back when, there are only two places with portals in New York – Dorothea’s, and someplace called Renwick’s. Since Valentine almost certainly isn’t at Dorothea’s, he must be at the other place.

Okay, credit where credit is due, this chain of reasoning isn’t that bad. But there are some problems with the foundation it’s all built on. First, given that Valentine came through one of those magic go-anywhere doors, he could literally have come from anywhere. Second, he also left the Institute by the same means he used to enter it, and as far as we know, the magic portal-doors are a one-way trip. If that’s not how they work, then why isn’t this explained? Does the portal stay open for a few minutes after the person using it has gone through? Or is there some way to keep it open?

I guess they’re just a plot device – they work however CC needs them to. First their an untraceable means of transport, except if you go through without a destination in mind. Then they can’t be used from the exit, until the Villain needs a way to escape without being detected. Fine.

Plot Hole: 2

One for Clary’s baseless assumption of Valentine’s location, and another for CC for not being consistent with her plot devices.

Nevertheless, Clary is, of course, right on all counts. But Luke is still confused, because “Renwick” isn’t a Shadowhunter name.

Considering that these supposedly Franco-Germanic people have surnames like “Lightwood”, “Trueblood”, “Graymark”, and “Starkweather”, I wouldn’t be surprised if “Kobayashi” (Japanese), “Uzun” (Turkish), and “Patil” (Indian) were Shadowhunter names.

Plot Hole: 3

Because CC sucks as world building.

Also, isn’t it really racist to assume that only Shadowhunters would have magic portal thingies? Especially because the Downworlders would probably be using them more?

This whole world runs on Insane Troll Logic, I swear.

But then Clary has another brilliant idea – what if “Renwick’s” is referring to a place instead of a person? Well, gee, then it would still probably be named after a person, Clary. But fine, whatever. So Luke tells Gretel to get him a phone book so he can look it up. Gretel starts to point out that his wounds need to be treated, but Luke snaps at her (CC’s word, btw), so Gretel hops to it like a good little secretary.

I’m of two minds about what just happened. On the one hand, if Luke’s wounds were that bad (hey, he did take a razor-edged frisbee to the side), then why wasn’t Gretel treating that instead of Clary’s little scratches? But on the other hand, Luke did manage to talk for about twenty minutes without showing any apparent signs of discomfort, so maybe he’s not that bad off. And all he’s doing at the moment is looking something up, which isn’t exactly a very physical activity, unless you’re carrying huge stacks of books around.

So instead I’ll just settle for being pissed that Luke’s supposed second is being treated like shit for showing some concern for her boss. And that the female second-in-command is doing all the work rather than, say, someone lower on the chain of command. Like Alaric.

I’d point out that looking stuff up in a phone book in the twenty-first century is kinda stupid, but apparently werewolf HQ is in an abandoned Police Station, so them having a decent internet connection is probably unlikely.

Gretel leaves, and Luke compliments Clary on her brilliant deductive capabilities. Because as the Sue, all her accomplishments must be praised, no matter how meager.

Gretel returns with a phone book as requested, and then proceeds to deal with the nice gash in Luke’s side that the idiot managed to re-open. I’m starting to think that Luke’s more of a figurehead and Gretel is the one who actually runs things in the pack.

Luke flips through and finds that, of the seven numbers for a “Renwick”, none of them are businesses of any sort, so they’re back to square one. Never mind that I’m pretty sure businesses are organized by categories first, and that the phone book might be out of date. No, all sources have been exhausted. Luke once again proclaims that none of them could possibly be Shadowhunters, because it’s not like they could be fake names or anything, that would just be silly! And of course there’s no way that Valentine would ever set up shop in a place owned by a mundane or a Downworlder, despite the fact that we already know he’s willing to hire them. Logic? What’s that?

Idiot Plot doesn’t even begin to describe this mess. At this point I’m rooting for Valentine because he’s the only one with anything resembling a properly functioning brain, rampant racism be damned.

Clary then asks to borrow a phone. Luke, of course, doesn’t have one on him, so once again Gretel is sent off to fetch whatever Clary needs, even though she hasn’t finished patching Luke up yet. Though at least she gets a bit indignant about it this time.

You know, it’s been a while since I’ve indulged myself with one of these, but I think this calls for a spite fic.

“Do you have a phone?” Clary interupted.
“Not on me.” Luke, still holding the phone book, peered under it at Gretel. “Could you get the telephone?”
Gretel stared at him. “What?”
“Go get the phone,” Luke repeated.
Gretel seemed to consider her words for a moment. “I don’t know if you realize this, sir, but your liver’s practically hanging out you side. How about you let me finish patching you back up before you send me on another little errand, alright?”
“I’m sorry,” Clary said, almost apologetic. “But this is really important…”
“Shut up,” Gretel snapped. “I don’t care how much the boss-man wants to fuck your mom or whatever, but as far as I’m concerned, you’ve been nothing but trouble for this pack. By all rights I should kill you for what you did to Alaric.”
“Don’t you talk to her like that!” Luke said.
“You too,” Gretel said, jabbing her thumb into Luke’s wound. He hissed in pain. “I’m sure you have fun playing Happy Family with Ginger’s mom, but while you’re playing hookey, I’m the one here keeping shit together. I’m the one singing the little kids to sleep when they want to go back to their moms, I’m the one stopping Alaric from running off to fight the vamps every night. So why don’t you shut the hell up and let me finish, and then I’ll go find the goddamn phone, okay?”

But that doesn’t happen, because Clary’s the only one who doesn’t have to put up with taking crap from a guy in this book, and even then only when pushed to the brink.

After Gretel leaves, Clary asks if they can kill Valentine when they find him, so that Clary can get vengeance for the family that she just learned she had. Because I guess the fact that he’s super-duper evil isn’t enough, or something.

Gretel comes back with the phone, and it’s one of those old clunky cellphones, probably from the 1980s. Clary takes it and calls up the other guy she has wrapped around her finger, Simon. After a bit of reassuring him, she has him Google the name “Renwick” for her. And what he pulls up is… interesting.

“The most famous of the lunatic asylums, debtor’s prisons, and Smallpox Hospitals built on Roosevelt Island in the 1800s,” Simon read dutifully. “Renwick Smallpox Hospital was designed by architect Jacob Renwick and intended to quarantine the poorest victims of Manhattan’s uncontrollable Smallpox epidemic. During the next century, the hospital was abandoned to disrepair. Public access to the ruin is forbidden.”

Now, I used a bit of wiki-fu and looked some of this up. For starters, while Jacob Renwick appears to be fictional, James Renwick, Jr. is not.. He was also an architect, and he did design a number of famous buildings, including the ‘Castle’ of the Smithsonian Institute and St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York, as well as the Smallpox Hospital of New York, which is sometimes called “Renwick’s Smallpox Hospital.” Now I can somewhat forgive CC for not getting his first name right, and am willing to assume that it was intentional.

On to the hospital itself. Firstly, it was built in 1854, which while technically in the “1800s”, still makes my history buff cringe. “1800s” could apply to anything from Napoleon to the end of the Victorian era, so I find it hard to believe that a professional website would use terminology like that. Secondly, while it was built to help quarantine smallpox patients, it was never a “lunatic asylum” nor a “debtor’s prison.” I get the feeling CC added those to make it seem creepier, because abandoned hospitals aren’t creepy enough, I guess. Or she’s confusing it with the New York City Lunatic Asylum, commonly called the “Octagon,” which is also on Roosevelt Island, but was built in 1834, and was the focus of Nellie Bly’s book Ten Days in a Mad-House.

The real Renwick’s Smallpox Hospital eventually became a nursing school about twenty years after its construction, began to fall into disrepair in the 1920s, and was eventually closed in the 1950s. In 1972 the remains were added to the National Register of Historic Places, and declared a New York City Landmark in 1976. It is currently undergoing some repairs and is closed to the public, so at least CC got that right.

I’m hoping most of this was intentional. You do not get to play fast and loose with history, CC.

So once again we have Simon coming in to save Clary’s incompetent ass. Will he receive any gratitude for this?

What book do you think this is? Of course not.

Clary hangs up without so much as a “goodbye” and tells Luke what she learned. Luke then realizes that Valentine has set up his HQ on Blackwell’s Island, which used to be the name of Roosevelt Island. Except that the name was changed to “Welfare Island” in 1921, and then “Roosevelt Island” in 1971.

Do Shadowhunters just not pay any attention to mundane society? Do they still call Istanbul Constantinople? Should I be impressed that they call the city New York and not New Amsterdam?

Moving on. It seems that the Blackwells were a pretty powerful Shadowhunter family (who apparently did a pretty shitty job of staying in the background if they owned a damn island). But now, via reasonable deductions based on an absurd assumption, they know where Valentine’s hideout is. Luke orders Gretel to tell the pack to gear up for a fight, and the scene ends. Guess he wouldn’t want to give that order himself, what with being the leader and all.

We come back about a minute later as Clary and Luke head up to the main area of the police station.

Random Scene Break: 1

While they’re walking, Luke tells Clary a bit more about their hideout. Much like with Shadowhunter HQ, this building doesn’t look like an abandoned police station to mundanes. No, it looks like a Chinese restaurant. Because it’s in Chinatown. And while mundanes do occasionally call up the place, the werewolves almost never answer.

Once again, I have to pick this apart. First, having actually been to Chinatown (although only briefly), I can say that it’s not all Chinese restaurants. Heck, I doubt that even one out of every ten buildings was an actual restaurant. Also, while they’ve neatly avoided the issue of people calling for takeout, what about mundanes who just walk in? I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes people do actually go into Chinese restaurants to eat.

Also, I find the idea that an abandoned police station in New York City would be left unoccupied a bit hard to swallow. Space is at a premium, so I doubt that no city officials (like, say, the police) has checked up on the place. There can’t be any records of the building after it was abandoned, so why aren’t people coming by to inspect it?

Also also, as they are in Chinatown, do none of the locals notice a bunch of guizi hanging around all the time? Yeah, I know, non-Chinese folks go to Chinatown all the time, but these are the same people there every day. And in an ethnic neighborhood like Chinatown, a bunch of white folks who appear to live there are going to draw some attention.

And finally, while all this is interesting and does a nice job fleshing out the world, now is really not the time for it. There are more important stuff to focus on right now, CC, so stop padding out your word count and get to the damn point already.

They head outside where Luke’s truck is conveniently parked, and Clary hops in while Luke talks with his supposed subordinates. Oh, and there’s a crap-load of other vehicles parked behind Luke’s car, including vans, Jeeps, and motorcycles. All of which are sitting out in the open. Can you say “grand theft auto”?

Hey, Clary even thinks that most of them are borrowed or stolen, but hey, at least they don’t have to take the subway! Even though that would probably be just as fast, if not faster.

Oh, and the name of the fake Chinese restaurant is “JADE WOLF CHINESE CUISINE” because no one in this book can even spell subtlety.

Luke hops in the truck and passes Clary what he refers to as “bao buns”, which makes no sense, as “bao” is Cantonese for “bun”, so he just called them “bun buns”. (The correct term is cha sui bao which means “barbecue pork bun”)

Weird Word Choice: 4

Petty? Yes, but I’m long past giving a shit.

Clary starts snarfing the buns down, because I guess getting beaten up by a bird and then standing around while everyone explains the plot to you is exhausting. And it’s only after this that she offers one to Luke. I mean, he’s only recovering from having his side sliced open and driving, after all. It’s not like he needs the energy or anything.

Bitch: 2

And don’t get me started on the fact that Luke’s leading this little charge. He should be laid up and resting, not barreling headfirst into another fight. Further proof that he’s a crappy leader – good ones know how to delegate.

But then we wouldn’t have the chance for Clary and Luke to talk about the only important character in danger – Jace. And how sad his past is, what with Valentine having his dad killed and all.

Does anyone else smell rotting fish?

And then, apropos of nothing, Clary asks how the moon affects Luke. He explains that, since he’s an older werewolf, only a full moon can force him to change, but newer werewolves are more susceptible to lunar influence. This leads into a joke about Luke sticking his head out the window, which was probably the whole point of this little conversational tangent.

Rapier Twit: 2

And then we bounce to another random topic, this time how long Luke’s been the pack leader. Turns out he’s only been in charge for a week, and only known about this particular pack for a day or so longer.

Okay, what the fuck is this bullshit? Not two chapters ago we had Luke saying how long it took for him to get Gretel to stop calling him “my lord” or some shit, which implies that he’s been in charge for a while. But no, it’s only been a week. I guess a few days now qualifies as “a long time”.

Plot Hole: 4

CC can’t even keep stuff straight between chapters. Well, we already know that she can’t keep stuff straight in a single chapter, so why should this be surprising?

Also, this is further proof of how stupid these werewolves are. Luke been in charge for only a few days, and these people are following his orders without question. Did no one see how a guy like Valentine could easily turn this to his advantage? All he’d have to do is find a werewolf who’d follow his orders, have said werewolf kill a pack leader, and suddenly Valentine has a whole pack of unthinkingly loyal werewolves at his disposal.

Gods I hate this book.

And the worst part is that Luke flat-out admits that, since Jocelyn had disappeared and Clary now hated him, he was perfectly willing to die. Because without the Sue, life was just not worth living.

And then we get another scene break.

This time the cut actually makes sense, as we get to skip the whole rest of the trip. Luke pulls over and parks the truck a little ways away from the hospital’s remains, but don’t think this is a demonstration of basic tactical sense – the narration implies he’s only doing this because the road is too rough.

Luke doesn’t even bother telling Clary to stay in the car, not because she won’t listen, but because Valentine might have nasties patrolling the area. Oh, and he acts a little impressed that she used the word “perimeter” because only military-types use words like that. Well, them and geometry teachers.

They wander up to the ruins of the hospital, which Clary describes as “a wreck”, and she can’t grasp how Valentine could be hiding out there.

Now, I want to show you guys something.

That’s the eponymous hospital. The photo (according to Wikipedia) was uploaded in early June of 2007, only a few months after this book was released, so the building is probably supposed to look like this. Now, while it might not be in great shape, but I wouldn’t call it a wreck – I mean, most of the walls still seem to be standing.

So Luke tells Clary that Valentine’s just using a really heavy glamour, so she just needs to focus a bit to see through it. But then for some reason, Clary’s focus shifts to the rest of the pack, who are just now arriving. Amazing how they managed to follow at just the right distance for Luke and Clary to have a nice conversation before they show up. How considerate of them.

Also, I’m assuming that Luke’s truck was a probably a pickup, so why wasn’t anyone riding in the bed? I mean, you could probably fit three, maybe four people in the truck’s bed, so that’s one less vehicle they wouldn’t need to borrow/steal. Oh, wait, then Luke and Clary couldn’t have their private conversation, which is far more important.

Clary does her little Magic Eye trick, and suddenly sees the Hospital completely restored. And she says it looks like a castle.

Okay, wait. To my understanding, glamours only conceal stuff. Things under glamours are still there, they still occupy space. If you bump into something glamoured, you still feel it. It’s not like they’re in another dimension or something.

So how is it that none of the no doubt numerous guys working to make the place safe enough for the public haven’t noticed this?

Moving on. Luke tells Clary to stick with him, probably for the same reason parents tell their three-year-old child to do the same. They all head up to the fence, which Clary is surprised to find isn’t part of the illusion, and Alaric grows some claws and cuts through it. Because why bother just hopping over the thing when you can leave evidence instead?

I’m not even going to delve into how little sense it makes for werewolf claws to be able to cut through steel, even if it’s thin.

The rest of the pack follows, and this happens:

Alaric held his head up, sniffing the wind. “The stench of death lies heavy on the air.”
Luke’s breath left his lungs in a hissing rush. “Forsaken.”

Could that language be more flowery? Is Alaric supposed to be from the 19th century or something? Because if not, why not just say “This place reeks of death”? That’s about half as many words, manages to convey the same sentiment, and doesn’t sound really awkward to boot.

Next, why is Luke’s exhalation described like that? Again, it’s needlessly flowery, which only hurts any tension CC might be trying to build.

Also, this place used to be a hospital. A smallpox hospital. People died there. Yes, it’s been abandoned for over fifty years, but I imagine something like that would stick around. Why do we immediately assume it must be Forsaken? On top of that, was it ever established that they were undead? Am I just forgetting something?

Whatever.

Weird Word Choice: 7

For needlessly convoluted language, and capitalization of a common noun. And keep in mind, CC worked as a journalist before being published.

Plot Hole: 5

For the maybe-undead Forsaken.

It seems that Luke follows the Edward Cullen school of protecting females, as his first response is to shove Clary behind him, potentially causing her to fall on her ass and be even more vulnerable than she already is.

Meanwhile, the rest of the pack forms a ring around Clary and Luke. Under different circumstances, I’d appreciate that their first response is to form a defensive circle, but given that Luke is at the circle’s center, rather than part of it leads me to further question his leadership abilities.

Several of the werewolves start wolfing out, showing that some of them have basic sense, and they start heading towards the hospital, taking down Forsaken along the way. I approve of this, as it makes Jace getting his ass handed to him by one of these things back in chapter six hilarious.

Still, the wolves are outnumbered, and the non-zombies eventually break through. Clary, of course, is completely useless, but Luke saves her ass yet again. He then pretty much gives up on Clary reaching the building under her own power and has Alaric carry her lazy ass.

Our heroine, ladies and gentlemen.

Alaric is a champ, though, and manages to get Clary up to the front doors. She apologizes for throwing a knife at him again, but of course he just praises her awesome knife-throwing skillz again. I didn’t like it the first time, CC, and I like it even less now.

And it appears that, like with all escort quests, it’s a hell of a lot easier without having to protect the NPC’s lazy ass, as Luke shows up right behind them. Sheathing a sword. Even though he, like Alec, put his points into bows.

Sure, why not.

But the fight wasn’t as one-sided as expected – Gretel, the werewolf who probably did the most actual work, got taken down. And Clary is inexplicably upset by this. She’s even crying. Which leads to this:

Luke looked at her curiously. “She was only a Downworlder,” he said.
Clary’s eyes burned. “Don’t say that.”
“I see.”

Fuck you, Clary. And fuck you too, CC. I refuse to accept that Clary has, in the past hour or so, suddenly come to the realization that “Downworlders are people, too”. Because this chapter started with her saying that her not trusting Downworlders was totally reasonable, and not racist at all. I have no doubt that she still believes that the werewolves are inherently inferior to the Almighty Shadowhunters.

Let’s face facts – the only reason Clary’s showing any emotion is because Gretel did something for Clary. I don’t see the little bint showing any concern for the other werewolves who are putting their lives on the line to help her lazy ass.

But her crocodile tears are enough to satisfy Luke, and he starts to give instructions to Alaric while he and Clary head inside. Alaric interrupts though, pointing out that, since he’s now second-in-command, he should stick with Luke.

Okay, do werewolves just not understand delegating responsibilities? Or does CC just not realize that there are more important parts to any battle than taking out the enemy leadership.

But Luke gives him a direct order, so Alaric has to do it. Because no subordinate ever questions the orders of a superior, especially in loosely organized groups like this pack.

They go inside, and all the stuff going on outside might as well not be happening. Then for no discernible reason Luke decides that this is the perfect time to talk about how great what Clary said about Gretel is. Because everything ultimately comes back to the Sue and how awesome she is. And now I really don’t buy that she was being sincere.

And for some reason, CC has decided that the hospital doesn’t just look like a castle, it is a castle, because the only light source is a torch. Again, the facility was closed down in the 1950s. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if it had gas lighting when it was first built.

Luke tries to pull the torch out, but for once CC defies convention and has it remain stuck. Oh, wait, this is just so Clary can awesome (read: not utterly useless) by pulling out the magic glow-rock Jace gave her. This prompts a brief conversation about the rock (read: further padding) before they actually get to progressing the plot.

But we haven’t escaped the padding yet. Because Clary asks about the architecture, and if the hospital looked like this “hundreds of years ago.” The hospital was built in 1854, you stupid bint. Luke explains that various Shadowhunters, including Valentine and Blackwell, probably made some changes over time. I’d like to know how, because New York City bought the island in 1828, over a decade before construction began on the hospital.

At this point, CC has lost all goodwill for lapses in research.

As proof of the changes made to the building, Luke points out a carving of a circle with the phrase “In Hoc Signo Vinces” on one of the walls. Clary of course asks what it means, so Luke has to explain that it translates as “By this sign we will conquer”, and that it was the motto of the Circle.

Okay, more history. That particular phrase actually dates back to Emperor Constantine I, and his supposed vision of the chi rho sign, leading to his conversion to Christianity. And it has been used by numerous parties over the centuries.

However, there is one critical fact that CC gets wrong. “In hoc signo vinces” doesn’t mean “by this sign we will conquer.” It means “by this sign you will conquer.”

Weird Word Choice: 8

CC, ‘Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur.’ might be true (“Anything said in Latin seems profound”), but only if you get the Latin right. Otherwise it just makes you look like an idiot. Again.

They wander around some more, because CC doesn’t understand how tension works, and she really needs to fill out that word count. Eventually they find Valentine’s armory, which is exactly like the one at the Institute, and finding it serves literally no purpose.

But then we finally get to something that might be important – they find Clary’s mom. And she’s in a coma. And chained to the bed (I guess she’s kinky like that). And once again CC shows her ignorance, because she describes jars set on the bedside table hooked up to Jocelyn’s arm, presumably like an IV. Except that IVs only work because they’re above who they’re plugged into, so the liquid flows down the tube and into the patient. So those jars are doing… nothing. I’m so concerned.

Clary tries to run to her mom’s side, Luke tries to stop her, but she goes anyway. Because she doesn’t grasp the concept of traps.

But it’s not trapped, so she gets there just fine. And here’s her response, which I will need to dissect:

A week ago Clary would have cried as she had that first terrible night she discovered her mother missing, cried and called out.

What the hell are you talking about? Clary passed out from being poisoned that night. And she hasn’t shed a single tear over her mom since waking up. Again, CC can’t keep her own canon straight.

Plot Hole: 6

But, hey, at least we have a time line – it’s been about a week since the book started. Sure feels longer, though.

But no tears came now, as she let her mother go and straightened up.

Again, she hasn’t cried once yet, so why should I be surprised by this?

There was no terror in her now, and no self-pity;

Bullshit. All Clary’s done so far is whine and pant over Jace.

only a bitter rage and a need to find the man who’d done this, the one responsible for it all.

Aww, that’s so cute. CC still thinks she can make Clary intimidating. Please, keep trying; your complete and utter ineptitude is far too amusing.

They briefly discuss how to free Mama Frey, but get interrupted by one of Valentine’s henchmen. And it’s only now that I’m remembering that one of those guys was named Blackwell, because he’s such a nonentity. He’s the purple one, in case you forgot, like I did.

So of course he and Luke have to banter a bit, because reasons.

“Graymark,” he said. “What a nice surprise.”
Luke stood up. “If you’re surprised, you’re an idiot,” he said. “I didn’t exactly arrive quietly.”

Rapier Twit: 3

CC, why do you insist on trying to make your characters “witty”? Unlike your attempts to make me think Clary’s threatening, this is just painful. Especially when the people being snarked at are just flabbergasted by this crap.

Second, given that Blackwell almost certainly had no idea that you were leading the werewolves, how was he supposed to know you’d be here? Or do the werewolves send out a newsletter?

Finally, Luke, you’re doing that “I’m taking what you said literally” thing again that makes you and every other Shadowhunter look like an idiot.

Thankfully, Blackwell isn’t flatfooted for long, and his comeback is way better. First, he says that Luke’s once again using Downworlders to do his dirty work, that he’s completely abandoned his people to be slaughtered, and then not-so-vaguely implies that Luke’s a pedophile.

Luke doesn’t even deny that he’s just using the werewolves, instead focusing on the fact that making Forsaken is illegal, and the Shadowhunters wouldn’t be happy if they found out. Dude, given what they’ve already done, I doubt Valentine or his buddies give a shit about them.

Blackwell confirms my hypothesis. And apparently is a Shadowhunter. I’d like to know why he has purple skin, then, because that’s just not a skin tone that exists naturally in the real world.

But just when I think I’ve got someone new to root for, Blackwell falls into that trap that all the villains have been falling into, and starts monologing.

CC, why do you hate your heroes not knowing everything? Do you actually think that having the villain’s whole scheme explained in excruciating detail at the first opportunity is anything other than incredibly annoying and stupid?

[Hold it together, man. It’s only a little further.]

Okay, so it turns out that Valentine plans to use the MacGuffin Cup to turn his army of Forsaken into an army of Shadowhunters. So I guess they aren’t dead then? Then why did Luke conclude that the dead smell was coming from Forsaken?

Plot Hole: 7

So. For once, one of the heroes actually asks an obvious question. In this case, it’s why Valentine hasn’t started going though with his plan already. And the freshly-lobotomized Blackwell starts to answer, only to be interrupted by Valentine’s other henchman, Pangborn, who immediately earns my respect by chastising Blackwell for talking too much.

It appears that Luke’s learned the bad guys’ real weakness and asks Pangborn what Valentine wants with Jocelyn now that he has the Cup. Unfortunately for him, Pangborn actually has a functioning brain, and says that he neither knows nor cares what Valentine plans to do with his ex. Luke offers them a deal – release Jocelyn, and he and Clary will leave, and he’ll owe them both a favor.

But Clary isn’t having any of that, because Jace the only one who really matters is still there. Such a loving daughter, isn’t she? Blackwell says he doesn’t know anything about a Jace, but he won’t take Luke’s deal, because Jocelyn was a bitch to him and only got together with Valentine to lord it over the rest of them. Luke demonstrates his maturity by implying that Blackwell’s gay for Valentine. What are you, a twelve-year-old on X-Box Live?

He then tops that by grabbing a scalpel and throwing it into Blackwell’s throat. I’ll admit, that’s a better retort than calling someone gay. You should lead with that next time.

Pangborn, unlike all the werewolves, isn’t very impressed by this. I’d like to think it’s because he’s glad that there’s one less idiot in the world.

Luke whispers something to Clary and then tries to threaten Pangborn into letting Jocelyn go. But Pangborn is aware of the fact that Luke’s unarmed (wait, what happened to his sword?)

Plot Hole: 8

and he never much liked Luke to begin with, so he pulls a sword.

Luke starts transforming, and only then does Clary realize that he told her to run. Luke and Pangborn start going at it, and Clary runs for it and heads to the weapons room. What she expects to accomplish by this I don’t know, because she has no weapons training whatsoever. Maybe she’s realized that she’s a Sue and will just automatically know how to wield any weapon she picks up.

Thankfully for what remains of my sanity, this doesn’t work. Not that Clary’s lack of training finally bites her in the ass, no. Instead, she just can’t pick any of the weapons up, because they’re magically stuck to the racks.

Eh. I’ll take what I can get.

But Clary shows her true colors, because instead of going back to help her father substitute, she goes in search of her would-be fuck-buddy. Priorities, people.

So she starts wandering around the building. And she does this for a while. Like, four lengthy paragraphs that I’m going to skip because I literally could not give less of a shit about this crap. And then she finally finds Jace. Whoop-di-fuck.

But it seems that Jace is in a bit of shock or something, because he’s surprised that Clary’s here. They have a bit of a talk about her coming to rescue him, and I feel this particular bit needs to be shared.

“Why don’t you ever think?” he whispered.
“I was thinking,” she said. “I was thinking about you.”

That pretty much sums up this whole book, doesn’t it? The only time Clary’s though about anything except Jace was when Isabelle was showing an interest in Simon.

Clary tells Jace that she’s here to rescue him, but he says that he doesn’t need to be rescued. She finally notices that he’s in remarkably good shape for being kidnapped, and asks where he got his new clothes. His answer is that he got them from his father.

Now, anyone with even a reasonably functioning brain should have figured out the big twist by now, and if not, that line would have done it. Sadly, Clary lacks the intelligence that God gave to a sea sponge, and doesn’t get it. No, she insists that Jace’s dad is dead.

They go back and forth like this for a bit, with Jace being idiotically cryptic and Clary just being an idiot. It’s neither tense nor interesting. It’s just sad.

The whole damn show finally ends when Valentine shows up. Clary tries to attack him, but all it takes to stop her is for Jace to grab her wrist. And then he finally spits it out:

“Clary,” he said firmly. “This is my father.”

Dun dun duuuuuun.

Wait, no, that’s not it.

No Shit Sherlock: 4

There we go.

And that brings the chapter to a close.

Seriously, did CC honestly believe that this would be some kind of dramatic reveal? You’ve only been blatantly foreshadowing this fact since Hodge’s sudden reveal. In a way, they’re the exact opposite – Hodge being evil literally came out of nowhere, and this was obvious from Hodge’s comment about Jace being taken to his father. Hell, the photo of the Order of the Deathea Circle was just the right amount of foreshadowing – obvious in hindsight, but not in the moment.

But no, she had to have Hodge foreshadow it, and then have Clary stubbornly insist that Jace’s dad is dead. Maybe CC was so accustomed to writing fanfic, where all her minions fans would tell her how totally unexpected these twists were, and didn’t realize that she was laying it on thick enough to wade through.

Okay, we’re almost done. Just one more chapter and the epilogue left. With any luck, I’ll be able to finish sporking by the end of the month as planned.

Counts:

Weird Word Choice: 8 (Total 102)
Rapier Twit: 3 (Total 68)
No Shit Sherlock: 4 (Total 45)
Plot Hole: 8 (Total 85)
Random Scene Break: 1 (Total 21)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 0 (Total 28)
Bitch: 2 (Total 26)

Comment [10]

Alright, folks, it’s the last chapter of the book. Everything’s been building to this moment: the villain’s diabolical plan has been revealed, the last of the big twists have been done, and most of the plot threads have been tied off.

So, who wants to bet that CC somehow manages to give this mess a smart and satisfying conclusion?

…

Come on, I’ll give you ten-to-one against.

…

No takers? Yeah, can’t say I blame you.

Well in that case, onward with the sporking. Once more unto the breach, and all that.

The chapter begins with Valentine establishing himself as probably one of the best characters in the whole book, because despite the fact that Clary drew a knife on him, he isn’t even remotely intimidated by her. Nice to have confirmation of that.

Instead, he asks Jace who she is, but again he couldn’t care less, because his focus immediately goes to the knife Clary’s holding. Not because he’s surprised that she’s got a knife, but because it’s got the Morgenstern family crest on the blade, and presumably used to be his. And the fact that the Lightwoods never noticed this is hand-waved by Jace.

Oh, and V specifically calls the knife a “kindjal” and explains that it’s a “Circassian dagger”, because CC once again feels the need to demonstrate how “worldly” she is. And yes, “kindjal” is italicized every time it’s used, just to draw extra attention to it.

Weird Word Choice: 1

Now, just to be clear, you know what happens when I type “kindjal” into Wikipedia? I get redirected to “dagger”. And after Googling the word and looking at some of the images that pop up, I fail to see what makes this particular type of dagger unique. If any of the weaponry experts want to clarify this, feel free.

Also, the Circassians, or Adyghe, are a people who used to live in a region called Circassia, along the north-east coast of the Black Sea. That is, until the Russian’s conquered the region over the course of the 18th and 19th centuries.

Now, none of this has anything to do with what’s going on in the book, but since Valentine got to give out pointless information, so do I.

Meanwhile, Jace is mindlessly doing whatever Valentine tells him. Guess we’ve finally found someone he won’t snark at. So on top of everything else, Jace also has Daddy Issues.

Why am I not surprised?

Valentine goes into his Gracious Host Villain act, because that’s the only way to keep him from killing her outright, like a sensible villain. Meanwhile, Clary is freaking out. Not because she’s certain he’s going to kill her, but because she’s certain he knows she’s his daughter. Even though, as far as we know, Valentine wasn’t even aware Jocelyn was pregnant when he faked his death, and Clary was born after that.

Oh, but then she figures it out – Valentine’s waiting to reveal that particular piece of information so he can utterly devastate Jace. Because he’s Evil^TM^. Or something.

But for some reason (I think we can all guess why), Clary refuses to believe that Valentine is Jace’s father.

“You’re not Jace’s father,” she said. “You’re trying to trick us. Jace’s father was Michael Wayland. The Lightwoods know it. Everyone knows it.”
“The Lightwoods were misinformed,” said Valentine. “They truly believed – believe that Jace is the son of their friend Michael. As does the Clave. Even the Silent Brothers don’t know who he really is. Although soon enough, they will.”
“But the Wayland ring-”
“Ah, yes,” said Valentine, looking at Jace’s hand, where the ring glittered like snake scales. “The ring. Funny, isn’t it, how an M worn upside down resembles a W? Of course, if you’d bothered to think about it, you’d probably have thought it a little strange that the symbol of the Wayland family would be a falling star. But not at all strange that it would be the symbol of the Morgensterns.”
Clary stared. “I have no idea what you mean.”
“I forget how regrettably lax mundane education is,” Valentine said. “Morgenstern means ‘morning star’. As in How are thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations!”
A small shiver passed over Clary. “You mean Satan.”

[sigh]

You almost had me, CC. The fact that all those people only have Jace’s word as to who his father is? Clever twist. That bit about the ring? Very clever. It kinda raises the question of how no one else (namely the Lightwood parents) noticed it, but hey, I’m willing to let that slide.

But then you had to have Valentine start quoting scripture, hammering home that not only do your characters not grasp subtlety, but apparently neither do you. There really isn’t any more blatant way for a character to proclaim “I’M EVIL!!” than essentially comparing him-or-herself to the Devil. The only time that worked was in Paradise Lost, and that’s because the protagonist actually was the Devil. And even then, you’re not supposed to like him.

I’ve said it before – subtle like a brick through a window.

And while Clary was stupid for needing all this explained to her, but blaming it on ‘lax mundane education’? Yeah, sweeping generalization. Morgenstern is German, so obviously anyone from a country where German is a major language, like Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Luxembourg, parts of Italy and Belgium, as well as any number of other countries, would know what it means. (Oh, wait, according to CC, at least two of those countries don’t exist.) So really, he’s talking about American education. But even then, I’m sure that there are plenty of schools that offer German as a foreign language. So he’s just ragging on public schools. How very mature

Still, it’s interesting that the only character with an appropriate surname (i.e. German) is evil. I get that CC is Jewish, so she might have some residual animosity towards the German people, but come on. After all, CC, you’re the one who put Shadowhunter Land “between France and Germany”.

Also, the “morning star” usually refers to Venus, which is visible in the eastern sky shortly before sunrise. Yes, the therm is used to reference the Devil in Judeo-Chrisitan belief, but honestly, there are much better things Valentine could have gone with, all of which would have elicited a better response.

Valentine then goes on about how he’s also talking about losing power by refusing to serve others. He starts to gain some of my sympathy by pointing out that the Shadowhunter government was corrupt, and that he lost everything because of it. Clary’s retort is that the Uprising was Valentine’s fault, and refuses to listen to anything he has to say. She is the Sue, and has determined that everything Valentine says is a lie. There are no extenuating circumstances, no differing perspectives. Clary is the ultimate arbiter of truth in this universe.

Jace then finally comes out of his coma and is surprisingly reasonable for once, asking Clary to listen to Valentine’s side. But again, Clary is absolutely certain he’s wrong. Jace says that Hodge was behind the attack on Clary’s mom, Clary says Hodge didn’t. Jace says that Hodge wanted the MacGuffin Cup to break the curse on him, Clary points out that Valentine was the one who undid the curse. Valentine actually intervenes at this point, and says that he only did that out of pity for Hodge. Clary of course doesn’t believe this because Valentine is Evil^TM^. This pisses Jace off and he basically says “don’t say that about my dad!” Clary brings this whole thing full circle by proclaiming once again that Valentine isn’t Jace’s father.

Wonderful. CC’s managed to put down several pages of text without actually saying anything. But then again, she’s already got whole chapters like that.

Jace asks the question he should have asked the first time she said that – why is she so insistent that Valentine isn’t his father? And of course Valentine, having only met Clary about ten minutes ago, has figured out what Jace, who’s known her for about a week, hasn’t realized – Clary’s in love with Jace.

And Jace is, of course, utterly flabbergasted that the girl who has spent most of their time together drooling and making goo-goo eyes at him actually like-likes him. He’s just as oblivious to Clary’s feelings (and Alec’s, of course) as Clary was to Simon’s. They clearly are made for each other.

But Valentine continues, explaining to Jace that Clary obviously thinks Valentine’s somehow brainwashed him or something, but of course Valentine hasn’t, and if Clary would just search her feelings memories, she’d realize this.

Yeah, I don’t even know how that works. And don’t tell me that those memories are just magically suppressed. Even if she’d been alive when her mom went on the lam, she’d have been what, a few months old? Maybe a year at most?

Jace tries to say something, but Valentine tells him to sit down and let Clary work it out for herself. I’m not sure if he’s being nice or just wants to see how long it takes her to put it all together on her own.

But then he runs the whole thing by calling Jace “Jonathan”, which causes everything to snap into place for Clary. Sort of.

She asks why Valentine called called Jace that, and he explains that “Jace” is a nickname based on his initials, J.C., which of course stand for Jonathan Christopher.

Okay, quick sidebar. How exactly do you go from “J.C.” to “Jace”? Am I just pronouncing it wrong? Because I’ve been pronouncing it like a shortening of “Jason”. And if it’s supposed to be pronounced like “J.C.”, why isn’t it rendered like that? Finally, why doesn’t he just go by “J.C” instead? Just to prolong the mystery?

I don’t think CC understands how nicknames work.

Jace is, once again, flabbergasted that Clary knows his real name, and Valentine jumps in once again and explains that Jace’s mom isn’t really dead, and eventually explains that Jocelyn is his mom, making Clary his sister.

Okay, another sidebar. Wasn’t it already established that Valentine and Jocelyn were married? Like, way back before the half-way point? So how is it that Jace learned that his dad is actually Valentine, but didn’t figure out that Jocelyn must have been his mom? And that Clary would at the very least be his half-sister?

I guess these two are more alike than I thought.

And that reveal was so dramatic that CC decided we needed a break, even though even though all but the densest of readers would have figured this “secret” out at the end of the last chapter.

Then again, there is the distinct possibility that I’m overestimating CC’s fan base.

Random Scene Break: 1

When we come back, it’s now Jace’s turn to go into rampant denial. Because going through this song and dance yet again is just what this book needed.

After Clary explains that, to her knowledge, what Valentine just said was true. But he’s still a liar, because he’s Evil^TM^. Valentine finally gets fed up with Clary’s crap, and decides to explain the whole thing, because that’s the only sure way to make sure she’ll understand anything.

The real Michael Wayland died during the Uprising, and since he didn’t have any real friends or relatives (apart from the Lightwoods), so Valentine didn’t have any problems stealing his identity, and since Wayland would have “been in disgrace” because of his involvement in Valentine’s coup, living like a hermit would have made sense. Because once again, the Shadowhunter government is both thoroughly corrupt and completely incompetent.

Really, if these people can’t even police themselves, how are they supposed to police the supernatural world?

Who Watches the Watchers indeed.

And this doesn’t even address how Valentine managed to maintain his cover with the house’s staff. I mean, they at least had to know that he wasn’t the real Michael Wayland.

And like all the other book-breaking questions will not be answered.

Plot Hole: 1

Oh, and it’s randomly mentioned that Valentine is also left-handed. Because that kind of thing is apparently genetic or something.

(Turns out that there is a 26% chance that a child will be left-handed if their parents are. Both parents, that is.)

Anyway, a couple years later, Valentine got a letter from some anonymous party claiming to know who he really was, and threatening to reveal his true identity if Valentine didn’t do something. But rather than do whatever this person wanted, Valentine decided to fake his own death again.

You know, as escape plans go, faking your own death isn’t bad. But that’s the kind of plan that you can only use once, otherwise people won’t fall for it.

And Clary’s reaction to this is to say how horrible Valentine is for making his son think he was dead. Because Valentine is Evil^TM^ and everything he does is wrong.

But rather than point out how judgmental Clary’s being, Valentine explains that the only way the Lightwoods would accept Jace was if they thought he was Wayland’s son, and the only way to be sure Jace’s story would remain intact was for him to think his father was dead. Clary tries to argue that they might have cared for Jace regardless, but Valentine points out that he knows them far better than Clary does.

Clary, considering what Luke, who you do trust, said about the Lightwoods, Valentine’s probably right. In all likelihood, they’re probably more villainous than Valentine ever was.

The conversation then turns to Clary’s mom. According to Valentine, Jocelyn abandoned him after the Uprising, and seems to be pretty hurt by it. But Clary certain he’s faking, and even calls Valentine a “manipulative creep.”

You know, CC, it’s okay to let your characters, especially your main characters, have doubts. It’s even okay for them to be wrong from time to time.

Let’s go with an example from the fandom that got you famous in the first place. Harry Potter never knew his parents, so it’s not unsurprising that he’d grow to idealize his father when he learned that the Dursley’s had led him to believe. So whenever Snape would talk about what a stuck-up, pompous ass James Potter was, Harry just assumed that Snape was being biased.

But then, in Order of the Phoenix, Harry got to see how his father treated Snape when they were both students. Yes, James eventually grew out of being an ass, but by then he’d already spent the better part of seven years making Snape’s life as horrible as possible. Snape having reasons to think James Potter was an asshole and a bully didn’t make Harry any weaker for not believing him at first.

But Harry actually had reasons not to believe Snape – namely that the bulk of what he heard about his father was coming from sources that were strongly biased towards James Potter. Clary, however, doesn’t have that excuse. Yes, she knows her mom after she left being a Shadowhunter behind, but until about a week ago, Clary literally knew nothing about her mom’s life from before she was born. So this conviction that Valentine must be lying doesn’t make Clary look smart or perceptive, it makes her look childish. Not exactly an attractive trait in a protagonist, even if she is sixteen.

Anyway, Valentine explains why he nabbed Jace – he wants to go back to Shadowhunter Land and live like a family again. Even Clary realizes how utterly stupid this is:

That sounds terrific, thought Clary. Just you, your comatose wife, your shell-shocked son, and your daughter who hates your guts. Not to mention that your two kids may be in love with each other. Yeah, that sounds like a perfect family reunion.

So it’s not all that surprising that Clary turns down Valentine’s offer.

Jace, on the other hand, is totally behind it, as it would provide an opportunity for them to work out all the drama Clary just covered.

Thankfully, the plot finally escapes from the box CC locked it in, and it’s pissed. Luke kicks open the door, and he’s covered in blood.

People, I think this is just might get awesome.

Clary of course freaks out and runs over to him, but Luke assures her that none of the blood is his. So while he might be a terrible leader and probably a bit of a racist, but Luke is also a complete badass.

Valentine asks whose blood it is, and Luke confirms that it’s Pangborn’s. Well, I’m sorry that one of the few intelligent characters is dead, but I’m certain he went down fighting.

Farewell, Pangborn. We barely knew you, but you were leagues above most of this book’s characters.

It seems that Valentine is just as upset by this news as I am, and assumes that Luke ripped Pangborn’s throat out with his teeth. Honestly, that would be pretty awesome. But no, apparently Luke used the dagger he was using outside.

Wait, I thought he was using a sword?

Plot Hole: 2

Oh, and it’s the other half of the matched pair of daggers kindjals Valentine was talking about. Guess CC forgot what she wrote and didn’t fix it later. Again.

Yeah, turns out that the knife Luke has is also the one Valentine gave him to commit suicide with. Because that makes sense.

Wait, maybe that plot hole was premature, because the narration describes the length of Luke’s weapon as “somewhere between a dagger and a sword.” You know something, CC? I’m pretty sure there’s a term for that – short sword.

Whatever. Luke tries to lay some guilt on his former lover Valentine, but V doesn’t give a shit. He even thinks that he was doing Luke a favor, saying that he was giving Luke a chance to die as a man. Then Luke tries to turn that comment around on Valentine, and the narration pretty much confirms that Luke and Valentine used to be lovers. See for yourself:

“Like you?” asked Luke, and in that moment Clary saw something in him of the Luke she’d always known, who could tell when she was lying or pretending, who called her on it when she was being arrogant or untruthful. In the bitterness of his voice she heard the love he’d once had for Valentine, curdled into a weary hatred.

See? Theory confirmed.

Also, if Luke’s been calling Clary on her bad behavior, he’s clearly been doing a piss-poor job of it.

Anyway, he goes on to call Valentine a coward, what with chaining Jocelyn to that bed and torturing her. (Again, I think she’s just kinky) Valentine claims that he didn’t torture Jocelyn, and that the chains are for her own protection. (So, not kinky sex then?) Oh, but first Clary sees “the seizure of anger that momentarily [twists] Valentine’s features” just to make it clear that Valentine is Evil^TM^. In case we forgot or something. Or maybe he’s just pissed that this jackass is accusing him of abusing his wife.

They argue for a bit, because that’s what the readers want at this point – more talking. Luke doesn’t buy Valentine’s excuse. Valentine says that he loves Jocelyn, and besides, Luke was the one who turned her against him. Luke argues that he had nothing to do with Jocelyn’s change of heart.

This finally pisses Valentine off enough to get him off his ass. He pulls out his sword (because I guess he has a sword) and… points it at Luke’s heart. That’s it.

Well, that was disappointing.

Jace tries to say something, though I honestly don’t know what he could do in this situation, but Valentine does exactly what I would and tells him to shut up. And also refers to Jace as Jonathan, because now that that particular cat is out of the bag it needs to be shown off as much as possible. To his credit, Luke doesn’t take nearly as long to solve that particular puzzle as Clary did. However, he is still shocked by this revelation, because CC thinks that this plot twist is just so darn clever.

Ma’am, if you want it to be unexpected, maybe you should avoid dropping anvil-sized hints in the chapters leading up to it.

But it seems that Jace finally grew a pair and isn’t taking any more crap from his papa. Aww, they grow up so fast.

Jace tells Valentine not to call him Jonathan, and threatens to commit suicide if he does.

Oh, please, CC. Like Jace could actually bring himself to committing suicide. To quote the 2009 Sherlock Holmes film:

“Suicide is not in his repertoire. He’s far too fond of himself for that.”

Only replace “fond of” with “infatuated with”.

Luke then tells Jace how proud his mother would be to hear that, but Jace says that since he thinks Jocelyn abandoned him, he doesn’t have a mother. Luke counters that Valentine had more to do with Jace not having a mom than Jocelyn, and then criticizes Valentine for doing so.

Hey, Valentine? You have that sword hovering right over the most vital of Luke’s vital organs. Why don’t we have less of the talky-talk and more of the staby-stab? Huh? Huh?

No, of course not. That would be interesting or rational. No, he tells Luke to let Clary go, and then threatens him. And it seems that Clary also evolved a spine, because she does pretty much the same thing Jace did. The “not my parent” thing, not the “threatening suicide” thing. There wouldn’t be much point in the latter – the only reason Clary’s still alive at this point is because of Authorial Intervention.

Luke does the sensible thing and tells Clary to leave, because she’s completely useless in this situation. So of course she refuses, because Clary is an idiot. Then Luke mentionsthe word “fight”, so Clary heads for the door.

But then Jace moves to block the way, giving CC another chance to talk about how fast he is. For some reason, she describes him as “quick as water.”

Weird Word Choice: 2

What does that even mean? Also,

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Yeah, I’m betting Jace is fast in more ways than one.

So why did Jace stop Clary? Well, someone knocked down one of the walls downstairs (yeah, no one’s going to notice that), so there’s a good chance Valentine’s hulk-minions are down there. He’s just that concerned about her safety. It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he got handed his own ass by just one of those things has nothing to do with it.

Of course, the idea of them leaving together doesn’t occur to either of them. But again, Jace totally isn’t afraid of the Forsaken, guys. Totally.

Meanwhile, Luke and Valentine are doing what they should have been since Luke first showed up – fighting each other. And I have to show you guys Clary’s reaction to this:

“Oh, my God,” she whispered. “They’re going to kill each other.”

No Shit Sherlock: 1

Um, yeah, Clary. You didn’t pick up on that? I know your author has an annoying tendency to have people start talking when they should be fighting, but honestly, how did you miss all the sexual tension hostility between those two?

Jace more or less says the same, only with less amazement at Clary’s idiocy and more of his usual arrogance.

Luke manages to score a hit on Valentine, so V decides that now is the perfect time for some more banter. And not in a good way, either. You know how in movies the two combatants will talk while they’re fighting? That doesn’t happen here. Instead, the fight comes to a complete halt so that these two can have another argument. And it sucks. It’s not even good banter, either; just more of the same from before.

And for some reason, Clary decides that now is the time to deal with Jace’s abandonment issues with his mother. She brings up the box her mom has (remember that? I told you it would be important), and this is Jace’s response:

“So she has a box,” said Jace. “Lot’s of people have boxes. They keep things in them. It’s a growing trend, I hear.”

Rapier Twit: 1

CC, this is the big action-packed climax of your friggin’ novel. NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR YOUR LITTLE MASTURBATORY FANTASY BOY TO BE THROWING OUT FUCKING QUIPS!

Clary goes on about the junk in the box, but since CC has given this scene mood-whiplash so bad my neck almost snapped, I couldn’t care less. Short answer – Clary manages to convince Jace that his mother isn’t dead.

And then we come back to the epic duel going on in the background. Not that it’s important or has such wonderful dramatic implications or anything. I mean, to former lovers best friends going at it, how could that possibly compare to dealing with the psychological problems of the hot guy?

Gods, how I hate this book.

Valentine stabs Luke, then disarms him (figuratively, not literally. Though that would be awesome.), and Luke collapses to the ground. Like you do. Valentine is in the standard “strike the final blow” position, and then for some reason the narration focuses on how pretty his sword is. In fact, here’s Clary’s thought looking at the sword:

how could anything so deadly be so beautiful?

Clearly Clary and/or CC doesn’t know much about nature. All those pretty animals with the bright colors? Yeah, those colors are their way of saying “STAY AWAY”.

And then, for maybe the second time in this entire book, Clary does something useful. In what I’m certain CC pictured happening in super-slow-motion, Clary runs across the room and leaps on top of Luke, getting between him and Valentine’s weapon. It’s so dramatic I won’t even bother to point out how absurd it is that she somehow managed to cross the entire room (how big is it again?) before Valentine could stab the guy he’s literally standing over.

Oh, wait, I just did.

But lest you think that Clary will be so much as wounded in her attempt to save her surrogate father-figure, remember that she’s still he author’s self-insert Mary Sue, so the mere act of attempting to sacrifice herself should be more than enough to prove her status as heroine.

Because instead of getting stabbed as logic would dictate, Jace, in an even smaller fraction of a second that it took Clary to cross the room, grabbed a knife and threw it at Valentine’s hands, causing his weapon to fly across the room.

And now that CC’s totally satisfied that she’s put enough dramatic action into this scene, it’s time for yet more talking. Jace is shocked at his own actions and tries to apologize (guess his newly-grown testicles fell off or something), but since he’s the Gary Stu love-interest, he shares the same immunity to criticism that Clary does. That’s right, Valentine complements Jace on the throw, even though his hand is now bleeding.

And instead of yelling at Clary for getting in his way, Valentine starts saying that he totally would have been able to stop before he hurt her. Given how slowly he was apparently moving at the time, I’m inclined to believe him. But of course Clary doesn’t believe him, because as the Mary Sue she is always right and never deceived. Unless it advances the plot.

Clary then asks for some bandages so she can start treating Luke’s wounds (see, I knew him leading this attack was a bad idea). I’m not sure what she thinks she’s going to accomplish, though. I mean, does she honestly believe that Valentine’s going to let her help the guy he was just trying to kill?

And what do you know, for once logic prevails! Valentine tells the freshly castrated Jace to stay, and then starts speaking to Clary “in a voice as oily as steel slicked with butter.”

Weird Word Choice: 3

Seriously, CC, where did this crap come from?

Anyway, Valentine starts going on about how Luke’s an enemy of their family and the Shadowhunters, and being a Shadowhunter sometimes means killing people. Clary counters that they’re only supposed to kill demons, because she’s drunk the Shadowhunter Kool-Aid and has completely forgotten that Jace was downright eager to start that fight with the vampires, despite knowing full well that in this universe, vampires are not demons.

Valentine says right out that Luke, being a werewolf, effectively is a demon, and then points out how deceptive Downworlders are, because Luke just tried to kill him, even though Valentine spared Luke’s life all those years ago.

You know, for a minute there, you actually had me, V. I really like the “doing evil for the greater good” thing, I really do. Something about pure sparkly goodness just doesn’t appeal to me. But while you did technically spare Luke’s life, you also took him out to the woods, game him a knife, and said he should kill himself. So while you weren’t a murderer, you would have been an accessory.

Back to the book. Clary does the standard “you’re the real monster” bit, which just shocks Jace. For once, Clary ignores him, instead listing the people Valentine did kill, and then going on the speculate about other people he might have killed, namely the real Michael Wayland and his son, and then saying that Valentine didn’t give a crap about the “purity” of their blood when it came down to his life.

This really pisses Valentine off (which of course is presented as confirmation of Clary’s accusations), and he orders Jace to get Clary out of the way or he’ll kill her and Luke. So of course Jace complies, telling Clary not to struggle. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t really care if Luke got killed because, hey, he’s just a Downworlder. It’s not like he’s a real person or anything.

And for no apparent reason, Valentine doesn’t just stab Luke. No, CC has to drag this out as long as possible. So while Clary is whining and crying, Valentine’s busy gloating over Luke. Luke tries to get an “honorable” death, but Valentine swings back to being logical just long enough to deny him that. And then immediately goes back to mustache-twirling so Clary can once again save the day by-proxy.

For no apparent reason, she accuses Jace of lying to himself (um, how?), so that Jace can talk about how he doesn’t want to lose his family again. This allows Clary to give a whole spiel about how he already has a family, blah blah blah, which of course convinces him.

Meanwhile, Valentine’s taking his sweet fucking time with killing Luke.

So now that Jace has once again switched sides, he saves Luke. Using his ultra-super-mega speed that’s totally awesome

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

he tackles Luke, getting him out of the way of Valentine’s sword/dagger/whatever. Because I guess tackling the guy holding the weapon would just make too much sense.

Valentine starts yelling at Jace, so now Jace does the whole “you’re not my real father” spiel, and tries to order Valentine around. Valentine, however, isn’t intimidated by Jace. So Jace whips Valentine’s sword around and points it at Valentine’s throat. Guess neither one can just commit to killing their opponent right out. Like father, like son.

Clary, meanwhile, stares on in horror. Because that’s all she’s really good for.

Jace starts going on about how well Valentine trained him, so Valentine knows what he’s capable of. In a good book, this would be the point where Valentine says something like “Do you really think I taught you everything I know?” and then proceeds to fight Jace.

But, as has already been established, this is not a good book.

Instead, Valentine says he knows that Jace won’t kill him, because Jace is too soft. That’s what she said.

Sorry. This is just so boring.

So then Luke chimes in and says that he’ll totally kill Valentine, because having the shit beaten out of him twice in one day isn’t enough to convince him to just stay down. Valentine tries to use Luke’s threat to bring Jace back to his side, referring to Luke as “it” and calling him a monster. This doesn’t work, and Jace says that he probably couldn’t stop Luke if he wanted to, but any points in Jace’s favor are preemptively detracted when he also calls Luke and “it”.

Valentine compares Jace to Jocelyn and says they both betrayed him, Jace says that Valentine abandoned him, Valentine says he did it to keep Jace safe. Then Calry brings up Valentine killing Jace’s grandparents, but Valentine says that they sided against him, so it was okay. Then Luke says that Jocelyn was going to leave Valentine, and that Valentine knew it. This really pisses off Valentine, and leads to him admitting that yes, he set fire to the house, killing Jocelyn’s parents. Which makes Jace angry, even though he already knew this.

Plot Hole: 3

Seriously, in the same conversation. Who edited this piece of crap?

Luke steps in and tries to calm Jace down, whit questionable success. Clary starts freaking out again, because Jace is totally going to kill Valentine.

No Shit Sherlock: 2

Again Clary, why does this surprise you? Why else would Jace be pointing the business end of a sword at Valentine’s throat? I mean, obviously Jace isn’t going to go through with it, because he’s a pussy there wouldn’t be any more books he still sees Valentine as his father, but come on! This does not deserve the response you’re giving!

But she steps in to point out that they still don’t know where the MacGuffin Cup is, or what Valentine was planning to do with it.

Um, Clary? Did you forget the parts where what the Cup does, and what Valentine was going to do with it were spelled out? Very explicitly? Because I sure do. I’ve only read it about a dozen or so times already.

Plot Hole: 4

I just…

Whatever. Jace asks where Valentine hid the Cup, and V says it’s in Shadowhunter Land. Personally, I would have said something like “Fuck you” but then again I wouldn’t write all the characters as being imbeciles.

Still, credit to CC – that’s probably the last place anyone would think to look. And at least Valentine leaves it somewhat vague.

Jace tries threatening Valentine some more, because it’s worked out so well already, but Luke asks Jace to hand over the sword again, and Clary encourages it. This leads to a quick argument between the three of them, ending with Jace handing the sword over, because CC still needs to pad out her word count.

Oh, and there’s some noise from downstairs, but who cares about that?

So then Luke starts ordering Valentine to take him to Idris so they can get the Cup (because apparently magic portals are two-way now), and he also tells Jace and Clary to leave. Jace tries to argue, but Luke’s having none of it, and then tells Valentine to open the portal or he will kill him. Given that Luke was just trying to do that, Valentine doesn’t try to bluff his way out of this.

But then something finally happens. I guess CC ran out of stuff for everyone to talk about. I this case, a werewolf bursts through the door. Specifically, Alaric. I guess CC didn’t want to come up with yet another character.

Jace, being Jace, whips out his not-lightsaber and is totally ready to kill Alaric without even the slightest provocation. Good to know that, underneath it all, Jace is still a violent racist.

But Alaric’s sudden appearance is enough to distract Luke, and Valentine goes for his dagger. Guess no one thought to disarm him. Why am I not surprised?

And then we go into another one of those super-slow-motion moments where a lot of stuff is happening at the same time, even though that probably violates a couple laws of physics.

Clary starts to think about screaming a warning, but again Jace beats her to it. Luke spins around just in time to see Valentine moving to stab him and starts to try to block it, but once again someone gets between Valentine’s weapon and his intended target. This time it’s Alaric, and just like the death of Gretel, it doesn’t really mean anything because the audience doesn’t know the character.

Come on, CC – just because you give them a name doesn’t make them not red shirts.

Valentine (now having lost what intelligence he had) decides to gloat about killing Alaric, and simultaneously points out what a horrible leader Luke is. Well, can’t argue with that.

Valentine finally starts to run for it, while Luke collapses in grief (sure, why not). Jace tells Clary to stay while he goes after Valentine, but given how well she’s taken instructions so far, I don’t know why. And hey, I’m right – she grabs the other dagger (btw, one’s hilt is red and the other blue, just so you know) and goes after Jace. Valentine stops in front of a mirror and Clary’s not at all unexpected appearance distracts Jace.

Jace says he’ll go with Valentine to get the Cup, but Clary’s against that idea. And then for some reason Valentine pretty much explains that the mirror is the portal. But just in case the audience couldn’t figure it out, Jace just blurts it out.

Jace’s eyes narrowed. “The mirror is the Portal.”

No Shit Sherlock: 3

Oh, also this.

Weird Word Choice: 4

Valentine opens the portal, but doesn’t hop through. No, he has to make yet another attempt to bring Jace back to his side. Dude, just give up already. Yeah, quitters never win and winners never quit, but if you never win and you never quit, you’re just being an idiot.

Jace of course refuses, so Valentine finally hops through the magic mirror-protal. Jace starts to go after him, but Clary stops him. Because if he does, there won’t be any more books Valentine will kill him, and then who will she lust over?

And just to prove it, Valentine reaches back through the portal, grabs Jace’s wrist, and hold’s Jace’s weapon against his own heart, daring Jace to kill him.

But Jace once again pusses out, so Valentine calls him weak again, and somehow breaks the mirror from the other side. I’m not quite sure how you do that, but whatever.

And then CC decides we need another breather.

Random Scene Break: 2

Jace briefly goes catatonic, and then picks up a sliver of the glass on the floor. Clary tries to comfort him, telling Jace that it’s totally not his fault.

Seriously, Clary?! It’s “not his fault”?! He was literally inches away from killing Valentine, and he couldn’t do it! At this point, Valentine’s escape is entirely his fault!

Oh, wait, he’s the hot Gary Stu love-interest, so he can’t get blamed for anything. Even when it’s his fault.

Jace points to the bit of mirror, where Valentine can clearly be seen running away, not that this will lead to anything.

The idi her idiots return to Luke, and hey, Alaric’s dead. Can no one in this book be even remotely useful? Or are Gretel and Simon the only competent characters?

They tell Luke that Valentine got away, and of course he doesn’t blame Jace.

And then he leaves them alone so Clary can comfort him some more. Please, Clary, I know you just found out that he’s your brother, but could you please keep your hands to yourself for five minutes?

Blah blah, Clary comforts him, Jace fishes for some more pity (seriously, dude? She’s your sister!), so Clary comforts him even more with this line.

“The only way you would have failed,” she said, “is if you had.”

Jace cuts his hand on the bit of glass, Clary makes a joke about it

Rapier Twit: 2

and Jace starts crying. Chapter ends.

Sweet tap-dancing Christ this chapter was horrible. My god, this is supposed to be the big action-packed climax, but instead it’s exactly like the rest of the fucking book – little snippets of action sprinkled through huge chunks of characters talking about anything and everything. I swear, if all the inconsequential dialogue was cut from this book, it would only be half as long.

There’s just a little bit left. Because CC decided that this book needed an epilogue. Couldn’t have just added another chapter, nooo, she has to prove how “literary” she is by having an epilogue.

See you next time when I wrap this sucker up.

Counts:

Weird Word Choice: 4 (Total 106)
Rapier Twit: 2 (Total 70)
No Shit Sherlock: 3 (Total 48)
Plot Hole: 4 (Total 89)
Random Scene Break: 2 (Total 23)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 2 (Total 30)
Bitch: 0 (Total 26)

Comment [15]

Alright, the epilogue. Now, you’d expect this sort of thing to be short – tie up a few loose ends, maybe tease at the sequel, but overall it should be a fairly quick read.

It should not be almost as long as the preceding chapter. Seriously, CC, why didn’t you just make this chapter 24?

But enough of my griping, you’re here to find out what happens (and possibly see my suffering, you sick freaks).

Clary’s visiting the hospital where her mom is being kept. Yep, Jocelyn’s still in a coma.

(Seriously, I feel sorry for Lena Headey being cast in this role – she’s a good actress, and she probably doesn’t get more than ten minutes of screen time)

When Clary reaches her room, Luke’s already there, despite having clearly visible bandages. Guess he’s just a glutton for punishment. Oh, and Brother Jeremiah’s there too. And Clary’s upset about his presence because… reasons.

She asks if they’re going to help her mom, but Jerry gives her some faux philosophical dribble in response. To her credit, Clary calls him on it, and presses for an answer. Jerry says that, since Jocelyn left the Shadowhunters, it’s not their policy to help her out. And while that’s kind of a dick move, I can kind of understand the thinking behind it.

Brother Jerry leaves, having served his purpose and filled in that particular plot hole. Then Luke ties off a major dangling plot thread by explaining what happened to Alec – he’s fine, and Magnus Bane saved his life. No thanks to Clary, of course. Wonder how freaked out Isabelle was when she found out that she’d been abandoned by all her supposed friends?

But enough contemplating the implications of crappy writing – there’s more to spork!

Clary stares at her mom for a bit, thinking about how she just knows that Jocelyn wants to wake up. Why? Well, Luke is on hand to explain why:

“She has everything to get better for, even more than she could know.”
Clary laid her mother’s hand gently back down on the bed. “You mean Jace.”
“Of course I mean Jace,” said Luke. “She’s mourned him for seventeen years. If I could tell her that she no longer needed to mourn-” he broke off.

Yes, because she couldn’t possibly want to get better because of the life she already had. No, it has to be because of Jace. Although, given Clary’s treatment of her mother throughout this book, I can’t blame Jocelyn for not wanting to wake up. And if she knew Jace, she might just drop dead right there.

Also, I get the feeling that CC doesn’t quite grasp how mourning works. Yes, it hurts to loose a loved one, and I can’t imagine how much more so if it’s your child, but eventually you move on. I’m not saying the pain goes away, but you do come to live with it.

Finally, I’m giving it a couple of these

Weird Word Choice: 2

Read Luke’s second line out loud. It’s just awkwardly phrased. Also, the word “mourn” is used twice in as many sentences.

They pull out that bit about people in comas being able to hear what’s being said around them, which I personally kinda doubt, but I get how that can be comforting. Luke’s been telling Jocelyn about how totally awesome Clary is, even though she was pretty useless most of the time and he wasn’t present for almost all of her shenanigans. Maybe that explains why he thinks that – he heard all of it from Clary, who as has already been demonstrated, will wildly skew her recollections of events to make herself seem less pathetic (ex: the vampire indecent).

Well, now that this particular plot line has been sufficiently dealt with, Clary leaves the hospital. I mean, why would she want to spend time with her comatose mother? It’s not like Jocelyn could die at any moment, right?

Of course not. This isn’t a real coma – it’s a Convenient Coma, so we all know she’s eventually going to wake up.

Simon is of course waiting to give Clary a ride, having once again borrowed the van of his friend Eric. And I just realized something – this is almost certainly the same guy from chapter three. You remember – the guy who read the crappy poetry, and who Clary was not just willing, but eager to abandon for anything else? I gotta say, he sounds like a real stand up guy.

Of course Clary’s opinion of him will probably remain unchanged, but what else is new?

They start driving off before Clary decides she wants to go to the Institute, and I become convinced that CC has never ridden in a van, let alone driven one, because she has Simon pull a U-turn without hitting anything. CC, vans are not the same as tiny sports cars. I doubt it’s physically possible to do a U-turn in a van without at least three lanes worth of space.

Oh, wait, the van turns “on two wheels” so that totally explains it. Because that totally wouldn’t make it tip over or anything. Simon, what the hell is wrong with you? It’s not even your car.

Whatever. Turns out that Clary hasn’t been back to the Institute since Valentine escaped, and that’s how she knows about what happened with Alec. Also, now Mama and Papa Lightwood are headed home. Guess they must be taking a boat, because it doesn’t take three days to fly anywhere nowadays.

Also, yet another sign of corruption and incompetence from the highly vaunted Clave – you’d think that, with word of Valentine being alive and free, they might want to lock up two of his closest associates/accomplices. You’d also think that they might have tried to catch him, what with him being right on their fucking doorstep.

Seriously, these people suck at their jobs.

Simon then asks if it was weird talking to Jace, what with learning he’s her brother and all, and we get one last bit of actual humor from Simon.

“Yes?” Clary said, her voice sharply edged. “Since I found out what? That he’s a killer transvestite who molests cats?”
“No wonder that cat of his hates everyone.”

But Clary doesn’t think it’s funny, because she has no soul (remember, she is a ginger), and goes on to insist that it’s totally not weird talking to Jace, because nothing happened between them.

Simon doesn’t believe this, because he was paying attention, just like the readers presumably were. Clary, getting to first base with a guy isn’t “nothing”. Especially when that guy is related to you. Things being weird between you two would be a normal, healthy reaction. Fervently denying that anything is weird is probably not healthy, psychologically speaking.

They reach the Institute, and Simon offers to come in with her, but Clary says she needs to do this alone. Simon’s a bit upset, but he doesn’t say anything. This leads to Clary thinking about how much they’ve both grown up over the previous two weeks. Given Clary’s immature behavior over the course of this book, I can only shudder at how bad she must have been before.

Oh, wait, I don’t have to – her behavior is basically unchanged from chapter one. How exactly has she “grown up”, CC?

Clary then makes a sort-of date with Simon for the following day, and it seems that CC either got over her geek-shyness or someone told her she can’t get away with being vague, because Clary specifically mentions watching Trigun. (She also says “pop some corn” rather than “make popcorn”, but that might be a regional thing. Though it still sounds weird.)

Clary gives Simon a peck on the cheek, which is described as “light as a brown leaf.”

Weird Word Choice: 3

Why that specific color?

And then they start discussing whether Clary bumping into Jace & co at Pandemonium the night before her mom got kidnapped was fate or a coincidence. Personally, I’d go with coincidence, since stuff like this happens all the time. But this is a book, and not a very good one at that, so of course it’s fate.

Clary and Simon go with fate, or that it was at least a “fortuitous occurrence” as Simon puts it. Then Clary suggests that that would make a good band name, and of course Simon says it’s better than a lot of stuff they’ve come up with. I disagree, as naming a band The Fortuitous Occurrences is kinda pretentious. But what do I know – I think Mürder of Cröws would be an awesome name for a metal band (and yes, the umlauts are required).

On an unrelated note, we’re at the end of the book and yet CC still feels the need to shove in yet more padding.

Clary takes waaay too long to go inside and hop in the elevator, and is greeted on the other side by the cat. And then Isabelle pops up and is glad to see Clary. Neither is she mad at Hodge, despite him literally abandoning her brother at the first opportunity, even though she may or may not know that he betrayed them to Valentine (again, Clary assumes one thing and we’re just supposed to accept it as fact because she’s the Sue).

Isabelle more or less says that Alec was saved by a Deus ex Machina, because Magnus Bane showed up for literally no reason at all. Because CC is only okay with killing off random characters we’ve just met and who don’t really matter.

Oh, and Clary and Jace are now famous throughout the supernatural world because of being Valentine’s kids. Because heaven forbid that the Sue and her fuck buddy brother remain anonymous.

CC, the word is ‘infamous’, not ‘in-famous.’ They are not the same thing.

Clary wonders why Isabelle is so happy to see her, because she thought Isabelle didn’t like her. Uh, no, Clary – you didn’t like Isabelle. For no reason. At all. And no, “she’s prettier than me” is not a reason. She, on the other hand, has been perfectly civil to you.

But rather than point this out, Isabelle confirms that she didn’t like Clary, though I don’t know why. Oh, but Isabelle came to her senses once they disappeared, because she was so worried about them. Because she shouldn’t be pissed that Clary literally abandoned her and her dying brother, no.

Also, apparently Jace is just a better person when Clary’s around. Again, I highly doubt it. And if that is true, I can’t imagine how horrible he was before meeting her.

They talk about being friends, and Clary says she prefers Isabelle act like herself, which Isabelle describes as “bitchy”.

Okay, CC? At what point during their interactions has Isabelle been anything less than nice to Clary? And no, anything regarding Simon doesn’t count, because a) Clary made it perfectly clear that she was not in a relationship with Simon, and b) she treated him far worse than Isabele did. At least Isabelle paid attention to him.

But now that it’s been established that Isabelle bears Clary no ill will (because the Author Said So), Isabelle fades into the background so we can move on to the next character on the list, Alec. He’s still in bandages and has to use crutches to walk, but even the sick and infirm must come to make obeisance before the Almighty Sue.

We’re told once again that Magnus Bane showed up for no reason, but this time Clary remembers Hodge chucking a note into the fireplace before he ran, implying that he sent a message to Bane about this. And the important questions like “why didn’t Hodge treat Alec before leaving?” and “why is no one upset that Hodge abandoned them?” are completely ignored. Because they’re inconvenient.

Her purpose served, Isabelle disappears so that Clary and Alec can have a private conversation. Clary actually apologizes for what she said to him back in chapter sixteen, but like every other time she’s done this, the recipient turns around and starts talking about how she totally shouldn’t, because as the Sue she can do no wrong.

Clary tells Alec that, despite how Jace treats and takes advantage of him, Jace does care about Alec. Not enough to be by his side when he’s in the hospital or bring him along on anything less than a life-threatening adventure, though.

And Alec says he knows he didn’t actually kill Abbadon, but the fact that Clary lied to him about it makes her nice. Such a wonderful basis for a friendship – lying to protect the other’s ego. Although, given what I’ve heard about CC during her fandom days…

Then we get this from Alec:

“I’ve got an idea,” said Alec, his mouth turning up at the corners. “Let’s not tell him. I mean, maybe Jace can behead a Du’sien demon from a distance of fifty feet with just a corkscrew and a rubber band, but sometimes I think he doesn’t know much about people.”

First, no shit, Alec. I don’t think Jace understands that other people have things like feelings and opinions, so of course he doesn’t know much about them.

Second, is it so hard to just say “smile”, CC?

Weird Word Choice: 4

Third, what the hell is a Du’sien demon? This is not how you world-build, CC.

But now Alec’s served his purpose, he too departs. Wouldn’t want juggle multiple characters in the same scene now, would we CC? I mean, that’s hard and stuff.

Before he leaves, though, Alec talks about how both Clary and Jace have “the same artistic talent.” Given that he then explains that Jace can’t draw for shit, I have no idea what the hell he’s talking about. Unless he means tacked-on traits that don’t inform them as characters – in all, we’ve seen Jace playing piano once, and we hardly ever actually saw Clary drawing anything when it didn’t “advance” the “plot”.

Clary wanders around the greenhouse for way too long before finding Jace, because apparently I’m supposed to give a damn about the frikkin’ plants. Though I do have to wonder who’s been taking care of them, since I just assumed that was Hodge’s job. Also, I’m really starting to wonder just how big this place is supposed to be.

Jace is sitting in a corner or something, still fiddling with that piece of Valentine’s magic mirror and trying to see something other than the landscape through it. I’d say this idea was stolen from the later Harry Potter books, but I can’t be entirely certain. Was that sliver of the Mirror of Erised in any books except the last one?

Clary/CC also takes this chance to mention Jace’s injuries, making a point to say that his mental/emotional ones are so much worse.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

CC, please stop trying to fondle your characters. It’s really creepy.

Clary tells Jace that finding the MacGuffin Cup isn’t their problem any more. I kinda doubt that both it and Valentine are just going to go away though, because A) the Clave/Shadowhunters are completely incompetent, and B) this is only the first book in a series.

And then Clary wonders at how different they look, despite being siblings. I understand the confusion, but I still don’t get it – siblings don’t always look the same, CC. Also, I know exactly why they don’t look alike – they’re just copies of their same-gender parent. Honestly, it makes me wonder why Clary’s a redhead when that’s a recessive trait.

The awkwardness continues, though, because then Clary goes on to mention certain androgenous features Jace has that she wishes she also had, namely his curly eyelashes.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

I don’t care that Clary’s supposed to be jealous, that’s how it comes across. And this is not the first time that a guy in this book has been mentioned as having eyelashes that girls would like to have. It’s really creepy. Maybe it’s CC’s version of Meyer’s thing about face touching.

Anyway, Jace goes on about how tempted he was to go with Valentine back to Idris, which gets Clary asking what’s so damn special about the place. Which then sends Jace into this whole bit about how he was so happy back when he lived there, which somehow leads to Clary concluding that he felt sorry for Hodge, hence not telling Isabelle and Alec about what Hodge did. I really don’t follow the logic here, but I haven’t for most of the book, so why should things start making sense now?

Clary goes on to list all the reasons why Valentine was a horrible father, which Jace responds to with a snarky comment.

Rapier Twit: 1

CC, I get concealing pain with humor, but you have to actually show the pain once in a while. Jace never does. He snarks at everyone and everything. He’s not emotionally damaged, he’s just an asshole.

Then Jace goes into this whole speech about how back then he understood his place in the world, and since he left he’s just been lost and confused. My response to this is the same I had during the fifth Harry Potter movie – you’re a teenager. Am I supposed to be surprised by this?

And at least Harry had the excuse of being a hormonal fifteen-year-old. What’s Jace’s excuse?

Blah blah, Jace feels like he belongs with Clary (eww), hence why he stayed. Because now he has a real family, not just those fakes who took him in and raised him and whatnot. I mean, family’s all about blood, right?

Clary then suggests they go visit her mom, because maybe hearing Jace’s voice will cause Jocelyn to wake up. Never mind that they’ve literally never met before, she’ll just instinctively know that he’s her son, because motherhood or some shit.

Jace agrees, but decides that they aren’t going to get a cab, and then CC decides to end the scene there because she knew it’d be a great place for a cut.

Random Scene Break: 1

Well, for some reason, Jace now has one of those magic flying motorcycles, because the first scene with one wasn’t aggravating enough. How did Jace get it? Magnus ex Machina, of course. I guess he’s CC’s favorite plot device.

Jace and Clary snark at each other a bit and then take off in a cloud of purple prose while Clary cops a feel on the guy she has every reason to believe is her brother. The end.

Final Counts:

Weird Word Choice: 110
Rapier Twit: 71
No Shit Sherlock: 48
Plot Hole: 89
Random Scene Break: 24
Both Hands, Ma’am: 32
Bitch: 26

Final Thoughts

As I’m sure has been made abundantly clear, this book sucks. The world-building seems to consist entirely of stuff that CC thinks would be “cool” without any time spent considering how it all fits together let alone make sense, the characters (including the central protagonist) are barely developed beyond one-note stereotypes at best, and the writing itself is often just passable and occasionally needlessly pretentious.

Heck, just look back up at the counts. Remember, three of those were introduced during the sporking, so there are almost certainly more instances of all of those, and even then I didn’t catch everything.

And all those lead me to one conclusion – CC never moved beyond writing fanfiction. Now she obviously has some talent, and if she’d worked on developing that a bit more, she might actually have become a pretty good author. But instead, she found a niche, developed a surprising level of fame (and infamy), and bartered that into a publication deal. CC reached a skill level she was happy with and decided to settle there, rather than push herself to see what she could really do.

Which I suppose is the real problem with this book – it feels like fanfiction. Not to say that CC actually stole anything in particular, but everything in this book feels vaguely familiar, in much the same way Christopher Paolini did in Eragon did. I’m fine with being influenced by other works, but there’s not enough real original content to justify this being published. And what is unique or interesting is ignored or brushed aside.

As a piece of fanfiction, City of Bones is quite good. The problem is that I have a higher standard for published fiction than I do for fiction published on sites like ff.net. The authors there have excuses – lack of a professional editor, posting as they write, etc. CC (and other professional authors) don’t have those excuses. And yet I wouldn’t be surprised to find stuff online that’s more cohesive, more creative, and just better written than this.

So after over a year spent slogging though this mess, I come out the other side less angry and more depressed. There’s a lot of “could” coming off of this book – the world could have been interesting, the story could have been good, CC could have been a good writer.

But “could” is just another way of saying “isn’t”. And the fact that CC has managed to make something of a career writing in this same setting means that in all likelihood she’ll never feel the need to improve. Add the fact that these books are so popular really says something about the expectations people have.

Personally, I’m going to try to view this as a cautionary tale – regardless of how successful I might get, I should never get too comfortable. Because comfort leads to stagnation.

I’m going to take a break from sporking for a while. I’ve been thinking about writing some reviews instead. That should be easier in a lot of ways. I’ll actually get to talk about stuff that I like, for one.

See you around, guys.

Comment [14]

Hey everybody. It’s been a while since I posted any book recommendations, and even longer since I finished sporking City of Bones. But with the group sporking over at Das Sporking finishing up (and a bit of time before my next semester of grad school starts), now might be the time to dig into Cassandra Clare’s second entry in her Mortal Instruments series, City of Ashes.

(And no, the fact that I may or may not have received threatening letters written in what just might be animal blood telling me to get started on this thing in no way influenced this decision. Not at all.)

(Also, in the interests of full disclosure, I have not read this book first-hand in its entirety. I read up to chapter 10 – at the 40% mark – and decided that there was no reason for me to subject myself to its horrors any further.)

But before we get started, let’s take a look at the book itself. For reference, I’m using the Kindle version of the ebook.

Let’s take a look at the cover:

And yes, that is exactly the “cover” my edition has. At least I’m not using the movie edition – that one has Lily Collins (or someone Photoshoped to look like her) staring vacantly on it, like she’s high (or doing an impersonation of Kristen Stewart).

As covers go, it’s… meh. Certainly not the worst cover I’ve seen – that title goes to the early versions of Patrick Rothfuss’s The Name of the Wind (to quote tvtropes – makes romance novelists sit up and say ‘Now why didn’t I think of that!’). Still, I’m not really seeing much of a connection between what’s on the cover and the book’s contents. Yes, that’s what I assume is a shot of the New York skyline, and I assume that’s supposed to be Clary, but so what? She’s a character in the book, and it’s set in New York. But it’s not particularly eye catching, or even all that interesting.

Well, at least it’s not lying to me. That’s good, I suppose.

Now, let’s move on to the other thing that may have caught your eye. Yes, that is indeed a quote from the queen of crappy YA fiction herself, Stephenie Meyer. Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

“The Mortal Instruments series is a story world that I love to live in. Beautiful” – Stephenie Meyer, author of Twilight

Now, I’m fine with people saying that they’d like to live in the worlds described in their favorite books. People who would have loved to go to Hogwarts, or become a Jedi, or visit Narnia or Middle-Earth or whatever.

But the MI world is not one I’d want to live in. However, I can see why Meyer appreciates it. Both it and her own works focus on a “normal” girl who not only enters, but is welcomed into a fantastic world where she is embraced by a group who are supposedly inherently superior to normal people, despite spending all their time sneering and looking down their noses at said normal people rather than demonstrating any degree of real superiority. Said girl also is also for some reason the vertex of a love triangle between two potential love interests – one is incredibly hot, snooty, and emotionally dead, and the other warm, friendly, and actually a decent person – and we all know who she’ll ultimately end up with (hint: not the one that any logical person would go with). Also, said girl is somehow the center of everything, despite not actually doing anything to advance the plot, and only rarely showing any degree of competence, if that.

But that’s not what Meyer said, is it? No, she said it is, “a story world that I love to live in.” [emphasis mine]. Implying that she thinks this stuff is real.

Or she’s just being overly dramatic. One or the other.

Also, I would call this series many things, but “Beautiful” is not one of them.

This quote was also on my copy of City of Bones. I really have to wonder how much this quote actually helped sell these books.

Let’s move on to the back cover, shall we?

At the top is a quote from Cosmo Girl. Now I don’t know about you guys, but when I need a book recommendation, I go to Cosmo Girl.

Let’s see what they have to say:

“A smart, funny, romantic read” – Cosmo Girl

I think they must have been reading a different book than the one I got.

First, this book is in no way, shape, or form, “smart”. Rarely do any of the characters act rationally, and those that do will be viewed negatively for it. Valentine, rather than going through with his EVIL PLAN, will sit on his ass like Orcus just so the “heroes” can show up to thwart him at the last moment.

Second, this book is rarely “funny”, at least not intentionally so. When it is, those moments will likely be because of Simon being awesome, the amount of which has been severely downgraded, if memory serves. Probably because some of Clare’s fans actually liked Simon, and we can’t have that! They should only be mooning over Jace!

Finally, there is nothing “romantic” about this book. The bulk of the “romance” comes from Clary lusting after Jace, followed by her wangsting about not being able to jump his bones because they’re siblings. That’s it.

Let’s move on to the blurb:

Clary Fray just wishes that her life would go back to normal. But what’s normal when you’re a demon-slaying Shadowhunter, your mother is in a magically induced coma, and you can suddenly see Downworlders like werewolves, vampires, and faeries? Clary would love to spend more time with her best friend, Simon. But the Shadowhunters won’t let her go— especially her handsome, infuriating newfound brother, Jace. And Clary’s only chance to help her mother is to track down rogue Shadowhunter Valentine , who is probably insane, certainly evil— and also her father. When the second of the Mortal Instruments is stolen, the terrifying Inquisitor suspects Jace. Could Jace really be willing to betray everything he believes in to help their father?

Oh, boy. Let’s get going. [cracks knuckles]

Clary Fray just wishes that her life would go back to normal.

Yeah, sure she does. She just spends so much time complaining about not being able to be “normal”. I mean, she only dived head-first into being a Shadowhunter in the last book, so clearly she’s desperate to go back to her old life.

But what’s normal when you’re a demon-slaying Shadowhunter,

To date, she has slain a grand total of one demon, and that was by accident. She’s hardly an uber-badass monster-killing machine.

your mother is in a magically induced coma

We’ll see how often that actually comes up. [Spoiler: almost never]

and you can suddenly see Downworlders like werewolves, vampires, and faeries?

Uh, just ignore them? I mean, as long as you don’t stare at them like a gormless idiot, I don’t see how this is a problem.

Wait, I think I see it now.

Clary would love to spend more time with her best friend, Simon.

Riiiiiight. Hold on a second, I know it’s around here somewhere. Ah! Here it is:

Simon. She had forgotten he was outside, had almost forgotten he existed. – City of Bones, Chapter 19.

Yes, clearly he is very important to her.

But the Shadowhunters won’t let her go— especially her handsome, infuriating newfound brother, Jace.

Yes, blame them for the fact that she keeps hanging around with them. Clearly it’s their fault.

Also, gotta love how the first thing mentioned about Jace is that he’s hot. Because that’s what’s most important, here. And “infuriating” is putting it lightly.

And Clary’s only chance to help her mother is to track down rogue Shadowhunter Valentine , who is probably insane, certainly evil

Again with the “help her mom” schtick. Did the person writing this even read the book?

Also, note that he’s only “probably” insane.

— and also her father.

Dun dun dunnnn!

When the second of the Mortal Instruments is stolen,

Of course it gets stolen. You’d think that, what with these things being so damn important and all, the Shadowhunters would keep these things locked up or something.

the terrifying Inquisitor suspects Jace.

Well, he was only fanatically loyal to his “probably insane, certainly evil” father up until Clary somehow snapped him out of it. Sounds prudent to me.

Could Jace really be willing to betray everything he believes in to help their father?

See the “fanatically loyal” comment above.

[Also, spoiler: Of course he’s not. He’s the Designated Hero – he never does anything wrong, even when he does.]

Moving on, let’s crack this baby open.

This time, the dedication is to Clare’s father.

For my father,
who is not evil.
Well, maybe a little bit.

Um, that’s… nice? I guess? I’m not sure how to respond to that. Yeah, she’s only saying he’s a “little” evil, but that’s more than none. And I can’t help but think that this is to try to convince people that Clary isn’t a self-insert, despite clearly being so.

On to the acknowledgements.

The first people mentioned are the members of her writing group, who gave her “support and encouragement”, but evidently not any critique (or at least not any that she felt the need to mention). The guilty parties include: Holly Black, Kelly Lkin, Ellen Kushner, Delia Sherman, Gavin Grant, and Sarah Smith. Given some of these names, I think it’s safe to say they are only guilty by association.

Next is the “NB Team,” whatever the heck that means, as well as some other people who provided “help (and snarky commentary)”. And I am forced to wonder how much of said “snarky commentary” was meant as legitimate criticism. There’s also mention of a Sarah Rees Brennan for “loving Simon more than anyone else on earth.” Given the way Clare/Clary treat Simon, I can only assume Clare means something other than complete disdain.

There’s mention of the publishers, which is good form. Clare especially thank her editor, who used purple pencil rather than red pen (because we wouldn’t want to hurt Clare’s pwecious feewings or something), someone else “for making changes way past the deadline” (I thought “deadline” meant “when the final draft is due”), some guy for “keeping track of Jace’s weaponry stash” (because I that’s just so damn important), and Clare’s agent, “for telling me I’m being an idiot when I’m being an idiot.”

I don’t think he told her that enough times.

Clare wraps things up by mentioning her family, concluding with the mysterious Josh, “who is less than three.”

There are so many things wrong with that last bit. Clare, I get that you’re writing (or at least trying to write) from the perspective of a hormonal teenager, but could you not sound like one texting her boyfriend?

And text-speak doesn’t work with prose, because the whole point of that is that “less than three” looks like a heart.

Also, shouldn’t that be “who/whom I less than three”? As is, Clare’s just saying “Josh is [heart]”, when I think she means “I [heart] Josh”.

And just like with the last set of these, I can’t help but think that she should mention her family first. Just personal opinion.

One last thing before I call it a day. Remember how Clare began City of Bones by quoting the bit of Julius Caesar that she drew the name for the series from? Well, she decided to do something similar here. Only, instead of quoting a piece of famous classic literature, she decided to use a poem by someone I doubt many people will have heard of. It’s called (as near as I can tell) “This Bitter Language”, by Elka Cloke:

I know your streets, sweet city,
I know the demons and angels that flock
and roost in your boughs like birds.
I know you, river, as if you flowed through my heart.
I am your warrior daughter.
There are letters made of your body
as a fountain is made of water.
There are languages
of which you are the blueprint
and as we speak them
the city rises.

It’s not a bad poem, I guess. It definitely evokes a certain images that go with the basic concept of the book. I just wish it were associated with a better book, like Kate Griffin’s A Madness of Angels (which is great a Post-Modern Urban Fantasy, btw).

Of course, from what I’ve been able to find, this isn’t the entirety of the poem, meaning that once again Clare is presenting this only to show us how “deep” she is, when there is a distinct possibility (even likelihood) that she’s talking out of her ass.

Also, I can’t seem to find much information regarding Ms. Cloke that’s not connected to Cassandra Clare. She has a website, and has published some stuff, including a book of poetry. That she felt Clare’s using of some of her poems in Clare’s books was worth mentioning in said book of poetry is a bit depressing, I think, especially when that fact has nothing at all to do with the poems.

So as near as I can tell, the only reason Clare stuck this poem (or rather, piece of a poem) at the front of her book was to give a little boost to her friend. And I can appreciate that. It just wouldn’t surprise me if Clare insisted on her use of the poems being mentioned in Cloke’s collection.

And that’s all for now, folks. Next time we’ll really get going with the prologue. Yes, that’s right – this book actually has a prologue.

Comment [24]

Okay, time to get this show on the road. Buckle up people, because this is going to be a rough ride.

To her credit, CC actually does appear to know what a prologue is, unlike some other inexplicably popular YA authors.

We start off well enough, with what sounds like an establishing shot of a building, encouraging my opinion that CC writes as if this were a tv show. Still, the description is sound enough, with the building being described as “like a glittering needle threading the sky.” We’re told that the building is fifty-seven stories tall, that it’s named the Metropol, and that it is “Manhattan’s most expensive new downtown condominium tower.”

Then we’re taken to the penthouse apartment, which CC helpfully informs us is on the top-most floor, the fifty-seventh. Given that penthouse apartments are always on the highest floor of an apartment building, and that we were just told how many floors the building has, I have to wonder what CC thinks of her audience if she feels the need to repeat this information.

We’re three sentences in, and already at our first count – Entirely Pointless. This is for any time CC writes something that serves no purpose whatsoever, save to inflate her word count.

Entirely Pointless: 1

CC then gets to one of the things she’s actually good at, when she actually bothers – describing settings. The Metropol’s penthouse is “a masterpiece of sleek black-and-white design” with marble floors that “[reflect] back the stars visible through the enormous floor-to-ceiling windows.” It’s not too much detail, but it’s enough.

Then she completely manages to fuck it all up with this:

The window glass was perfectly translucent, providing such a complete illusion that there was nothing between the viewer and the view that it had been known to induce vertigo in even in those unafraid of hights.

Not even a whole paragraph in, and we’re already at two counts, people. I’ve decided to re-christen CoB’s Weird Word Choice. Say hello to You Keep Using That Word.

You Keep Using That Word: 1

Yes, a translucent material does allow light to pass through it, but it’s not like clear glass. Frosted glass is translucent – you might be able to see shapes through it, but not clearly.

Regardless, we get a quick description of the view. It’s not terrible, aside from a few points. First, the East River is described as being “bracleted” by the bridges spanning it.

You Keep Using That Word: 2

and we’re told that, if the weather’s right, you can even see Liberty Island. But since it’s a foggy night, you couldn’t see it anyway, making this last bit

Entirely Pointless: 2

Three paragraphs in we finally get a character. It’s a random guy who will remain nameless until the very end of the prologue, despite his identity being pretty damn obvious. He’s staring out at the city and frowning, because he’s apparently a petulant little child. He asks someone else if they’re done yet, because he’s been waiting for a whole hour. And we’re told that he as “salt-white hair”.

No points for guessing early, people. For now, I’m just going to call him what he is.

Asshole is addressing a kid kneeling on the floor, who is actually described as petulant. Given how both characters act, though, I get the impression that CC doesn’t know what that word means.

You Keep Using That Word: 3

The kid informs the asshole why he’s taking so long to do whatever it is he’s doing:

“It’s the marble. It’s more solid than I thought. It’s making it hard to draw the pentagram.”

Wait, are you drawing a pentagram, or are you carving it into the floor? Because if it’s the former, how would the hardness of the floor effect you’re ability to draw something on it? Are you using a chisel? Why not a marker instead?

Whatever. I’m giving it another one of these

You Keep Using That Word: 4

So Asshole tells the kid to skip the pentagram, and we’re told that, despite having solid white hair, Asshole isn’t actually that old. In fact, “His hard face was severe but unlined, his eyes clear and steady.”

Again, no points for guessing early.

The kid, who we just now learn has bat wings (you’d think that would have been mentioned earlier) tells him reminds him that the pentagram is kind of important when summoning a demon, because otherwise they’ll be unprotected. Asshole says he already knows this.

Then why were you telling him to skip it? Why are you rushing him? It all sounds kind of critical to me.

And we have yet another count – Un-Logic. This is for those times when the characters act in a way that makes no logical sense. For example, since Asshole knows why the pentagram has to be there, it makes no sense for him to tell bat-boy to skip it.

Un-Logic: 1

Oh, and bat-boy now has a name – Elias.

Asshole goes on to tell Elias that he’s “known warlocks who could raise a demon, chat him up, and dispatch him back to hell in the time it’s taken [Elias] to draw half a five-pointed star.”

First, quick counts.

You Keep Using That Word: 5

Is he drawing a pentagram, or is he carving a pentagram? If the former, then it should not have taken him this damn long to do it.

We also yet another new count – Shoddy World Building. I think it’s fairly self-explanatory. In this case, we have a mention of sending a demon back to hell. Except we know (from Jace’s forced exposition in chapter 1 of CoB) that in this setting demons aren’t from Hell.

Shoddy World Building: 1

Moving on, this would be the point where a good writer would have Elias say something like, “Why didn’t you go to one of them then?” Or, “Do you want it done fast, or do you want it done right?” Or even better, “If you don’t like it, then you can do it yourself.” You know, really put this guy in his place, because so far all he’s done is whine that it’s taking too long. I think Asshole is cranky because he didn’t have his nap.

I’d mark Asshole using Elias for this as another example of Un-Logic, but it will make sense. Sort of.

Elias goes back at it “with renewed urgency” (apparently he was carving a pentagram into the floor – I’m sure no one will ever notice that) and soon finishes up. He starts to ask for his money, but Asshole tells him “You’ll get your money after I talk to Agramon, not before.”

And Elias just goes along with it.

Un-Logic: 2

Also, I can’t help but imagine that Asshole wants to summon up a character from Digimon.

Elias takes off his jacket for some reason, probably so Asshole can act all offended at the sight of them.

Again, no points for guessing who he is.

Also so CC can give a long, purple description of them. This information will be of no value whatsoever, for reasons you’ll all soon see.

Entirely Pointless: 3

Elias gets to summoning the Digi-demon, and we’re told twice in the same sentence that he’s circling the pentagram.

Entirely Pointless: 4

At this rate, we might hit double digits before chapter 1.

The ritual works – the pentagram bursts into flames, and a minute later something that I assume looks like a demon from Supernatural appears inside it.

Apparently Elias was chanting in Chthonian, which we’re told is the language of warlocks. Given that warlocks are human-demon hybrids, I’m not entirely sure that they would have enough of a culture to develop their own language, but given how we know jack-squat about pretty much all the major supernatural groups, I’ll let this one slide.

Asshole is all pleased, and starts fiddling with something in his pocket.

Not like that, you pervs. It’s “Something hard and cold and metallic”.

You people are really sick, you know that?

Agramon does the whole “who summoned me” bit, and Elias is the stereotypical arrogant wizard. The Big Bad Demon is unimpressed, but bat-boy points out that, what with him being trapped in a pentagram, Agramon is pretty much at Elias’s mercy.

And then something weird happens.

“Will I?” The smoke surged forward, forming and re-forming itself. A tendril took the shape of a human hand and stroked the edge of the burning pentagram that contained it. Then, with a surge, the smoke seethed past the edge of the star, poured over the border like a wave breaching a levee. The flames guttered and died as Elias, screaming, stumbled backward. He was chanting now, in Chthonian, spells of containment and banishment. Nothing happened; the black smoke-mass came on inexorably, and now it was starting to have something of a shape – a malformed, enormous, hideous shape, its glowing eyes altering, rounding to the size of saucers, spilling a dreadful light.

Un-Logic: 3

Well, guess that pentagram wasn’t all that useful after all. And while there is an explanation for this, it won’t actually make any real sense.

Anyway, the demon kills Elias, thus making all that lengthy description of him completely pointless. As far as the story goes, it doesn’t matter what he looked like, because he’s dead now, just like every POV character in the prologues in ASoIaF. Except GRRM would make the character at least somewhat interesting so their death might actually mean something.

Asshole, being an asshole, just watches all of this without reacting at all. I’m sure this is supposed to convince me that he’s he’s totally Evil TM , but honestly? I already thought he was an asshole, so this isn’t doing anything for me. He does however ask that Agramon not do anything to Elias’s remains, because he needs them for something.

Not that – he needs the kid’s blood.

Seriously, what is wrong with you people?

Asshole whips the thing out of his pocket (NOT THAT!) and we get another bit of description of him – namely, that he has “black Marks covering his skin”.

Alright, if you hadn’t figured out by now, Asshole is Valentine. But that will be revealed shortly, so why bother keeping up the pretense?

Anyway, Agrimon asks Valentine if he didn’t warn Elias about what he (Agrimon) could do, which Valentine admits he did. And Agrimon calls him “clever” for doing so. And of course, Valentine accepts the compliment.

All you just chose not to provide a very stupid kid with a piece of information that lead to his demise. Yeah, you’re not exactly Machiavelli, buddy. And spoiler – he’s going to continue to disappoint in the “evil scheming” department.

And because he has the Mortal Cup, this somehow means that Agrimon has to serve Valentine. No, I don’t know how that’s supposed to work. But I do know what it is.

Shoddy World Building: 2

Valentine finally admits who he is, and the prologue comes to a close.

As prologues go, I guess it’s not that bad.

There is one glaring issue, however: in the last book, it was established that Valentine was an uber-Shadowhunter. The Shadowhunters’ job is to kill demons. Valentine was so fanatically anti-demon that he actually tried to start a war between the Shadowhunter and the Downworlders just because the Downworlders are partly demonic. He did not strike me as an “ends justify the means” kind of villain.

So why in the Infinite Layers of the Abyss would he be teaming up with an actual demon?

Un-Logic: 4

And again, there is a reason for this – just not one that makes sense in-book. The reason is that Valentine is the evil. Demons are also, for some reason, all evil, despite merely being inter-dimensional beings. So it makes perfect sense for Valentine to summon up a demon, even though it contradicts his previously established motives and mind-set.

This goes beyond Un-Logic, people – this is Insane Troll Logic.

Yeah, this book is gonna hurt.

Finally, CC continues her trend of chapter names that don’t fit with the chapter itself – while I get how “smoke” fits with what happened, how do “diamonds” fit into this?

Entirely Pointless: 4
Un-Logic: 4
You Keep Using That Word: 5
Shoddy World Building: 2

Comment [14]

Hello, and welcome back to my sporking of City of Ashes. Last time, Valentine hired some poor schmuck of a warlock to summon up a demon, which somehow managed to escape its bonds in some inexplicable way, only to be stopped by the resident “evil mastermind” because he had the MacGuffin Cup from the last book. Don’t ask me how that works, because I’m pretty sure CC was just making up the rules as she went.

(Oh, one quick addendum – after checking around a bit, I now believe that Elka Cloke is the same Elka responsible for the “better in black” thing from the first book’s acknowledgments. This does not do good things for my impression of her.)

And now we enter the book proper, with Part One, which CC decided to call “A Season in Hell”. How appropriate.

The quote for part one comes from Arthur Rimbaud: “I believe I am in Hell, therefore I am.” For those interested, Rimbaud was a French poet, born in 1854, and who died of cancer shortly after his 37th birthday. The line quoted is from his work Night in Hell, published in his collection/prose poem titled A Season in Hell (gee, what a coincidence).

Here’s the thing – doing a bit of poking around, I found out that Rimbaud started writing this when his relationship with another French poet, Paul Verlaine, was nearing its end. The book was finished shortly after their relationship ended, and it was hardly on pleasant terms. For one, about a month before the book was finished, Verlaine got drunk and tried to shoot Rimbaud.

(I’m not going to speculate on the nature of their relationship as a whole, as I’m not an expert on either man, but I don’t think it’s inconceivable that they might have been more than simply friends)

Put simply, Rimbaud was not in a good place when he wrote his Season in Hell. And if the book is about his deteriorating relationship with Verlaine, it seems Rimbaud was placing a lot of the blame for it on himself. Going with the “more than friends” interpretation, Rimbaud comes across a bit like a victim of an abusive relationship.

(Again, all this comes from about ten minutes of skimming Wikipedia, so I could be wrong.)

But knowing CC, this will have absolutely nothing to do with what happens in this section of the book. Or if it does, I’m sure we’re supposed to conclude that Clary is just so tormented by the fact that she can’t be with Jace, because that is the very definition of suffering – not being able to be with a hot douche-nozzle who she’d only known for maybe a week before finding out they’re siblings, thus making their having made-out gross. Oh woe is she..

Anyway, Chapter 1 itself is called “Valentine’s Arrow”, as you probably already figured out. One last thing before getting started – that’s a really dumb name for a chapter, mostly because “Valentine” is a really dumb name for a villain. It does not inspire feelings of fear and dread.

We begin with Alec and Jace acting like an old married couple.

“Are you still mad?”
Alec, leaning against the wall of the elevator, glared across the small space at Jace. “I’m not mad.”
“Oh, yes you are.”

No, CC has not made the very progressive step of having the former Male Love Interest turn out to be gay (though I’m sure some of her fans were disappointed by that), because the narration refers to Alec as Jace’s stepbrother. Not sure when that happened, and I’m pretty sure neither of Jace’s parents were ever married to either of Alec’s, so I have no idea how they’re “stepbrothers”.

You Keep Using That Word: 1

Jace starts to point at Alec, then “[yelps] in pain”, which makes me happy, until we find out why he’s in such pain – apparently they were fighting something, and Jace fell three floors, only to land on a pile of scrap metal. And apparently the only injuries he received from all that was significant bruising all over.

Apparently CC believes that giving her protagonists magic tattoos (I refuse to call them “Runes” – I’m too proud of my Norse heritage to allow such an association) means that they can more or less follow cartoon injury logic – it doesn’t matter how severe the injury, at most they’ll just have to be wrapped up in gauze for a scene or two.

This is also the point where we find out that Alec’s only recently healed enough to no longer need crutches. Yeah, remember when that happened, about ¾ of the way through the last book? And it served as a convenient excuse to have both Alec and Isabelle be absent for the big fight at the end? Now, that might give you the impression that several months have passed between books. And you would be wrong, but we’ll get to that in a bit.

Also, if Alec just got through needing those crutches, why was he going out demon hunting? I’d think he should spend a little more time recovering before returning to facing the incredibly dangerous monsters?

And then we’re given a brief description of how Alec looks, because apparently that’s important.

His clothes were covered in mud and his hair hung down in lank, sweaty strips. There was a long cut down the side of his cheek.

Why do I need to know this?

Entirely Pointless: 1

We’re only three paragraphs in, people. And one of those was only four words long.

But then we come to an actual good bit of writing:

“I am not,” Alec said, through his teeth. “Just because you said dragon demons were extinct–”
“I said mostly extinct.”
Alec jabbed a finger toward him. “Mostly extinct,” he said, his voice trembling with rage, “is NOT EXTINCT ENOUGH.”

See, that’s actually kind of funny. And according to my Kindle, about 1500 people agree that the line is at least amusing.

But I do have a few nits to pick. First, there’s a word for when something is “mostly extinct” – it’s called being “endangered.”

You Keep Using That Word: 2

Also, apparently “dragons” weren’t good enough for CC – she had to make them fit into her pre-determined set of supernatural creatures, hence why they’re “dragon demons”.

Shoddy World Building: 1

“All myths are true” my ass.

And then CC has to ruin a serviceable bit of humor in her usual way – by having Jace try to make a joke.

“I see,” said Jace. “I’ll just have them change the entry in the demonology textbook from ‘almost extinct’ to ‘not extinct enough for Alec. He prefers his monsters really, really extinct.’ Will that make you happy?”

Now, I’m not claiming to be an expert on humor or anything, but one thing I do know is that one of the worst things you can do with a joke is drag it out. Alec already gave the punch line – but we can’t have anyone be funnier than Jace, so he has to make a joke, too. And he completely ruins the whole bit.

So, we bring back yet another count from CoB – Rapier Twit.

Rapier Twit: 1

(Again, I’ve decided to modified it – this time, it will be applied to everyone.)

Isabelle decides to step in to prevent any bloodshed. Of course, we can’t have the teenage girls identifying with her, what with her being the sensible one an all, so of course she’s introduced as having been “examining her face in the elevator’s mirrored wall” this whole time. Because that’s clearly shorthand for her being vain and stupid. Oh, wait, the stupid bit comes from next line:

“All right, so it was a little more action than we were expecting, but I though it was fun.”

[sigh] Damn it, Isabelle. I actually liked you in the last book – you were both sexy and confident, while also being able to kick some ass when the situation called for it. You didn’t avoid feminine things like cooking just to fit in with the guys. I’d actually be willing to call you a good example of a feminist character.

And on top of all that, you were also the only member of your little trio to regularly refer to Simon by his name, rather than as “mundane/mundie”.

But now that’s all over. Because I guess CC found out that some of her fans actually liked Isabelle, and we can’t have anyone liking any female characters who are potential rivals for her self-insert Clary.

Alec then asks how she manages to remain mud-free despite everything, to which Isabelle responds thusly:

Isabelle shrugged philosophically. “I’m pure at heart. It repels the dirt.”

I know I’ve seen this elsewhere, but I have to ask – how does one shrug “philosophically”? And why is CC using it here, when it’s probably just going to confuse her target audience?

You Keep Using That Word: 3

Now, you’re probably asking yourself what the point of all that was. It was so Jace could laugh at, wiggle his fingers at her, with his nails described as “black crescents” (which I didn’t need to know, since the previous sentence informed me that his fingers were covered in mud)

*Entirely Pointless: 2

and then proclaim that he is “Filthy inside and out.”

Well, I won’t argue with him.

Isabelle’s no doubt biting retort is cut off by the elevator reaching it’s destination, so instead she complains that the elevator’s breaks need to be fixed. I have to wonder how they’d do that, as I doubt any of them have the expertise needed to perform such a repair, they would almost certainly never stoop so low as to hire a mundane to fix it, and I just can’t picture one of the High and Mighty Shadowhunters learning something so practical.

Not that it matters, though, because all that was just to ensure Jace got the last word in.

Entirely Pointless: 3

We are then informed of the fact that Alec and Isabelle haven’t been to go out and kill demons since Hodge left, which makes sense. Oh, and this little trip was Jace’s idea – because he’d rather distract himself with “the oblivion of fighting, the harsh diversion of killing, and the distraction of injuries” than actually deal with the events of the previous book.

Oh, and Alec and Isabelle are again referred to as his “stepsiblings.”

You Keep Using That Word: 4

CC, they are not stepsiblings. At most, he is their adopted brother. They are not synonyms.

But of course they went along with Jace’s idiotic idea, because he’s the leader of this little power-trio (as well as the Designated Hero), so what he says goes.

Isabelle complains that she’s hungry, and wishes her mom were there to cook something for them. Jace counters that they should be glad she’s not, as Mrs. Lightwood would go ballistic over them tromping mud all over the carpet.

Which just makes me wonder why they didn’t bother cleaning it off before coming inside, but whatever.

But then – surprise, surprise – she is there! And from what little description Maryse Lightwood is given, she is basically an older version of her daughter, Isabelle. Because children are just photo copies of their parents, right?

Speaking of Isabelle, she’s happy to see her mother again, and rushes over to hug her. Alec does as well, only slower, and trying to conceal the fact that he has a bit of a limp.

Which really makes me wonder why he went on this little excursion in the first place, as you’d think something like that would be a liability in a life-or-death situation. But then I’m not a Big Name Fan who parlayed that into a book deal, so what do I know?

Maryse hugs her kids, then gives Jace a straight-up Death Glare. Because of this, I’m inclined to like her. However, knowing what comes later, I can’t.

Isabelle asks where her dad and younger brother Max are, and Maryse tells her that Max is in his room, and Papa Lightwood had to stay in Shadowhunter City for vague reasons.

I hate to do this again so soon, but apart from “I need a reason not to get actual adults involved in the plot”, was there any reason for the Lightwood parents to attend the fantasy Geneva Convention? They did try to kill several of the delegates at the last one, and are known members of a terrorist organization. Which are exactly the kind of people you don’t want at a major peace summit.

Sorry, I don’t want to bring that up again, but this whole world is so poorly thought-out it completely falls apart the minute you start thinking about it.

Anyway, Alec asks if something’s wrong, and his mom turns that right around and asks if he’s limping. Alec hesitates, but his sister has his back, and explains that they ran into a “Draconidae” demon, which is apparently the actual name for the aforementioned “dragon” demon.

But it turns out that Maryse isn’t as oblivious as her kids might think, because she’s totally aware of the fact that they went up against a Greater Demon in the last book. Which apparently occurred some time in the previous week.

That’s right – it’s only been days since the end of City of Bones. How miserable must these kids have been to think risking getting killed hunting demons would be preferable to waiting for the adults to get back?

And it appears that Maryse’s armor-piercing question technique is super effective against her own children (of course), so Jace swings in to rescue Isabelle. He starts to explain that it wasn’t like they planned to face down a Greater Demon, but gets interrupted by a random Max attack.

At first, I like Max, because his response to his mom saying that she told him to stay in his room is to go “I don’t remember that.” Not exactly an affective argument, but he’s a kid, so what are you gonna do?

We’re told that, despite looking younger than he is, Max’s attitude and glasses somehow balance that out. And I’m gonna have to call bullshit on that – as someone who’s worn glasses since the fourth grade, I feel I can say with some authority that glasses (especially “oversized” ones) do not make you look older – if anything, they probably do the exact opposite.

It’s at this point, though, that Max loses all my good will, because he’s a Jace fanboy. Apparently Jace is “far more tolerant of Max’s presence” than Alec. I’m inclined to doubt this, but only because I’ve actually been paying attention to how Jace really acts instead of taking CC’s word for it.

Max asks Jace about the fight with the Greater Demon, and to my surprise, Jace actually resists the urge to gloat about it. Then again, their collective asses _were _ saved by Simon, so he’s probably doing his damndest to repress the memory. Jace then turns changes the subject to Max’s visit to Shadowhunter City, and Max (being an excitable child) starts going on about what he did over his summer vacation. All of which is directly related to fighting demons.

You know, this reminds me of another group from a much better franchise – the Klingons from Star Trek. Specifically, Klingons in and after TNG. In case you don’t know, they’re whole species basically consists of Proud Warrior Race Guys. Everything in Klingon culture revolves around being a warrior – science, art, engineering, everything is about fighting and how awesome it is.

Same thing here – I doubt that there are any Shadowhunters who are artists, or poets, or pretty much anything that’s not somehow related to their mission. Which is really sad.

(Okay, new headcanon – Jocelyn didn’t leave Shadowhunter land because she was afraid of Valentine. She left because she’d always wanted to be an artist, and didn’t want anything to do with hunting demons.)

During his little rambling recitation, Max mentions wanting to talk to Hodge, which gets Jace wondering why Maryse hasn’t told him about Hodge’s betrayal. Because, being a psychopath raised by a psychopath, Jace doesn’t understand that sometimes parents like to protect their children from things that will upset them, possibly scarring them for life.

But, since it’s Jace thinking this, somehow this fact is supposed to reflect badly on Maryse.

Maryse finally steps in and starts acting like a mother, telling Max to be quiet. When Max starts to object, his mom tells Alec and Isabelle to put him to bed, and then tells Jace to get cleaned up and meet her in the library.

Alec doesn’t understand what’s going on, because apparently he completely missed his mom’s death glare. So Jace explains to anyone who couldn’t figure it out (likely including the audience) that it has to do with Valentine, only instead of using his name, Jace referrers to him as “[his] father”. Which only serves to piss Maryse off even more.

But since Alec and Isabelle have been demoted to Jace’s fawning flunkies, they try to defend him, because they were all totally in on it together. Except for the last quarter of the book, where Jace gleefully went back to his abusive fuckwad of a father and probably would have helped him commit multiple genocides just to get a pat on the head, but why bother with minor details like that?

Maryse continues to act sensible, though, because unlike her kids (and probably a good chunk of the audience), she’s not willing to excuse Jace’s horrible behavior just because he had a bad childhood. Or something. Honestly, it’s a bit confusing.

And then we have a scene break.

We now flash over to Clary and Simon, who are doing normal teen stuff. In this case, that means watching anime at his house. And CC once again manages to pack more awesome into a single line of dialogue than Jace does in an entire book. Behold!

“Rule number one of anime… Never screw with a blind monk.”

I’d point out that “Never” probably shouldn’t be capitalized, but that’s on CC for shoving several sentences between the two halves of that statement.

Clary immediately ruins it by noting that blind monks do have a tendency to be better fighters than monks who can see, which just tells me that, for all her alleged “geekiness”, Clary is really not all that familiar with Asian media. I mean, Blind Martial Arts Guy is right up there with Old Martial Arts Guy on the list of “People Not to Fuck With” in anything remotely related to Asian culture. Anyone who’s seen the original Karate Kid knows that.

They get back to watching the show, which is a bit confusing to both them and the reader. It’s confusing to the reader because in all honesty, it just sounds like CC was mostly going for something weird and nonsensical. And it’s confusing to Clary because as near as I can tell, Simon’s been piecing together/making up the plot as they’ve gone along, as not only is this show in Japanese, but the subtitles are all in Chinese.

Quick question – how can you tell? I mean, yeah, they’re different languages, but unless you’re familiar enough with both to recognize the script, I don’t think you’d be able to tell the difference. For example, if I showed you two pieces of text, and one was in Russian and the other Ukrainian, and you had no knowledge of either language, would you be able to tell the difference?

This of course assumes that Simon can neither speak Japanese nor read Chinese, though. For all we know, he just might. Which would just make him more awesome, honestly.

Also, I’m going to ignore the fact that Simon’s mom is letting him be alone with Clary in his room. They have been friends since they were kids, after all, even if Simon has (unfortunately) been pining after Clary for all that time.

Simon explains a bit about the show, and then the phone rings. But Clary tells him not to answer it because… reasons. Simon points out that it could be Luke calling from the hospital, but Clary points out that Luke would just call her cell phone.

Wow, isn’t Clary such a wonderful daughter? Her mom’s in a coma, but she’d rather spend her time tugging on Simon’s leash than with the woman who raised her. And besides, Jocelyn has her own not-boyfriend to take care of her.

I think it’s time to bring in another modified count. Last time, I eventually introduced a count for all the times Clary did or said something that was not very in keeping with her status as the book’s heroine, to put it lightly, and that she never got called on. However, my chosen terminology ruffled a few feathers, so I decided to change the name. Say hello to Our “Heroes.”

Our “Heroes”: 1

Also, this now applies to everyone, not just Clary. There were far too many instances of this kind of thing in City of Bones, and I know for a fact that there will be plenty more in this one. Just wait until next chapter if you doubt me.

Simon agrees to let the machine get it, with the unstated (by him, anyway) that he, “just [wants Clary] to be happy.” Which of course leads to Clary wondering if she is happy. And that’s a fine thing to wonder, for several reasons (some of which CC even mentions) – he mom is in a coma, her whole world-view has been shaken, she’s just found out that her father’s a genocidal maniac, etc. It’s been maybe a week since the events of the last book, so I doubt Clary would be in the same zip code as “happy”.

But then CC has to ruin the whole thing by bringing everything around to Jace. Of course. Apparently they haven’t been talking, and Clary has had to actively force herself to not call to check up on him.

And why would she have any desire to call him? Well, to answer that, we get a brief flashback to what happened when Clary actually took Jace to visit Jocelyn. You guys remember that, right? Clary’s idea that, despite being separated for most of Jace’s life and thus being a complete and total stranger to her, Jace’s words would somehow draw Jocelyn out of her coma? Well, it seems that, for once, reality actually imposed itself.

Too bad it had to happen between books.

So yeah, apparently Jace just stood there like a bump on a log. The one time he doesn’t have some smart-ass comment, and we don’t even get to see it. His silence pissed Clary off, so she yelled at him, then he yelled at her and stormed out of the hospital room. And then Luke made this observation:

“That’s the first time I’ve seen you act like sister and brother,”

Dude, that is so not helping right now.

And then we get to real reason Clary isn’t happy – namely, that she and Jace can’t do the nasty because they’re siblings, and that kind of thing is both illegal and really, really gross. Not that CC/Clary will acknowledge that, mind.

Oh, you want proof? Well, see for yourselves:

Clary had said nothing in response . There was no point telling [Luke] how badly she wanted Jace not to be her brother. You couldn’t rip out your own DNA, no matter how much you wished you could. No matter how much it would make you happy.

Drink it in, folks. The only thing that will make Clary happy is being able to boink a guy who she has every reason to believe is her brother. And somehow this is supposed to be the equivalent of being in Hell.

Yeah, Clary has officially lost any possibility of being a “strong female character” at this point.

Which then leads us to why she’s back to hanging out with Simon – because he’s her fall-back guy. Oh, CC tries to dress it up as Clary being “comfortable”, but I’m not buying it. As far as I’m concerned, she’s just using Simon. He’s been pining for her for years, so he’ll bend over backwards to please her. Which is really sad, because he’s one of the few good characters in this series. At least for now.

Simon thankfully drags us out of Clary’s pontificating by commenting about what’s on the TV. The first show’s over, and he doesn’t like the one that’s on next – apparently it has a bunch of chibi characters, he can’t follow the plot, and “no one ever has sex.”

I’m not really sure where to go with that. I mean, Simon could be joking, but it’s hard to tell. Normally CC is so obvious with her jokes.

Clary counters that anime is, “wholesome family entertainment.”

Again, I’m not entirely sure if she’s supposed to be joking or not. If it is a joke, it’s just not funny. If it’s serious, then Clary/CC hasn’t seen some of the animes I have. (skip to about 4:00 and watch to about 5:10 if you don’t believe me. Fair warning – this stuff’s pretty messed up.)

Simon then says that if Clary wants wholesome entertainment, they could switch to one of the porn channels. And the only explanation I can think of for this is that it’s CC showing her age.

Quick refresher: City of Bones was published in March of 2006, so it’s fair to say it’s takes place in 2005/2006. As has already been established, this book is set shortly thereafter. The musical that this song is from was first performed in 2003. In short – I doubt anyone, especially a teenager in 2005/2006, would have tried to watch porn on TV. I’m not even sure there are porn channels on TV anymore. (unless you count HBO, that is)

Anyway, Clary grabs the remote and randomly switches it to another channel. That just happens to be airing the 1931 classic Dracula. Clary’s response is to make a random quip, in this case about how you can totally tell that the spider webs are fake.

Rapier Twit: 2

Oh, and CC also spells it “spiderwebs”.

You Keep Using That Word: 5

Then does she notice Simon’s reaction – he’s gone pale, gets up, and leaves the room. And it’s only at this point that Clary realizes that maybe Simon’s not doing so hot himself.

Our Heroes: 2

Gee, Clary, he only got turned into a rat, kidnapped by vampires, and killed a demon pretty much single-handedly, all within the past week. That kind of stuff’s bound to have some side-effects. I’m willing to give you a pass on “not being happy” because of all the shit you went through – I don’t think it’s too much to ask for you to do the same with Simon. Who, need I remind you, is not a super-special-awesome Shadowhunter, and only got dragged into that whole mess because of you.

In short – exhibiting basic human empathy should not require huge demonstrations like this. I’m really starting to wonder if Clary was repeatedly dropped on her head as a child, or ate lead paint.

On a side note, I do kind of like that Simon’s been affected by what he’s been through. Or at least, I would, if that’s what was going on here. It’d be nice to see a perfectly normal person having an adverse and realistic reaction to being exposed to the supernatural. But Cassandra Clare wrote this, and as a fan-fic writer, only the hot MCs get to have PTSD. It just makes it easier for their Designated Love Interest to come along to provide sexual healing.

Scene break and we’re back with Jace, who’s just gotten out of the shower. He stares at himself in the mirror, but thankfully not to marvel at his own good looks. Instead, it’s to note that the healing magic that fixed up all his little boo-boos (he fell three floors and landed on a pile of scrap metal! He shouldn’t be able to walk!) didn’t do anything for the circles under his eyes. Apparently he hasn’t been sleeping all that well.

And then he suffers a brief bout of dizziness. Because he hasn’t eaten anything all day.

(What time is it, anyway? I’m assuming it’s some time in the late-afternoon/early-evening, but CC didn’t bother to establish that. I guess little things like that are for people who aren’t BNFs.)

(And I would hope that Jace would continue this trend, as it he’d eventually become so deprived of food and/or sleep as to get himself killed, but he’s the Gary Stu in a glorified fan fic, so that ain’t happening.)

These two things get him longing for a concoction that Hodge used to make, and which sounds like a mix of coffee and crack, as it’s described as “[taking] away hunger pangs and [bringing] a swift surge of energy.” And apparently Jace tried mixing some up for himself, but with bad results.

Betting you’re regretting ignoring all that botany crap now, aren’t you, you colossal douche. Oh, and as interesting as the fact that Hodge has been drugging these kids (and possibly their parents) for years is, it has no real reason to be here.

Entirely Pointless: 4

As he gets dressed, Jace notices that his hair is getting a bit long, which gets him thinking about Maryse Lightwood. Which gets him thinking about how the Lightwoods have treated him like one of the family since adopting him after his dad faked his death.

Um, duh? They adopted him. He is part of the family.

Thinking about Valentine makes Jace’s tummy feel weird, but we do get another piece of good writing.

He’d felt like a jack-o’-lantern for the past few days, as if his guts had been yanked out with a fork and dumped in a heap while a grinning smile stayed plastered on his face.

Someone check the temperature in Hell.

But alas, Jace’s pontificating brings him to the only subject of any real importance for his POV – Clary.

Must you, CC? I mean, you’ve already done this from Clary’s POV – do we really need a repeat from Jace’s?

Luckily for my sanity, CC somehow manages to resist the no-doubt incredible desire to tell us how he’s utterly miserable because he can’t be with Clary, even though I have my doubts that incest is quite as taboo among Shadowhunters as it is among mundanes (remember – they aren’t supposed to breed with non-Shadowhunters). Praise be to Azathoth, the Blind Idiot God for small mercies.

Jace finishes getting dressed and heads off to meet Maryse. Along the way, we learn a few things about the difference in parenting methods used by the Lightwoods verses those of Valentine. Namely, that Valentine tended to physically discipline Jace, while the Lightwoods have not.

Now, I’m not usually one to encourage physical means of disciplining children, but given what we’ve seen and will see of Jace’s behavior, I’m willing to suspend those convictions. Besides which, this is clearly just another attempt by CC to elicit sympathy from the audience. Well it ain’t gonna work – you already wrote Jace as practically being a member of the Hitler Youth, so it’s gonna take more than an abusive father to make me not want to see the little shit thrown into the sun. Like, say, making him not a horrible, psychotic, racist douche bag.

Also, we already knew Valentine was a horrible father, CC. Maybe try another fan fic cliché.

He finally reaches the library, where Maryse is waiting. Good, maybe something will finally happen.

Whoops, spoke too soon. Instead of asking her why she wanted to see him, Jace brings up the fact that, when he was ten, Maryse would sing to Alec and Isabelle whenever they were scared of the dark, but she wouldn’t sing to him. Well, it’s not exactly Papa Winchester, but I guess it’s better than nothing.

Now, I’m sure this is supposed to imply that the Lightwood parents never treated Jace like their own children, but again, they did choose to adopt him – not simply raise him, but actually make him a member of their family. I’m really starting to think that CC does not understand what adoption means.

And again, the fact that Jace is pre-character development Draco Malfoy with the serial numbers filed off does not help matters. CC may have been going for fanon-Draco, but instead did a damn fine job capturing canon-Draco instead. However, this has no real bearing on the rest of their conversation, so I have to wonder why it didn’t get cut.

Entirely Pointless: 5

Maryse wants to know how long Jace was aware of the fact that his father was actually Valentine, and not Michael Wayland. Jace tells her that, until the big reveal in the last book, he’d believed his father was Michael Wayland. And apparently both Valentine and Wayland had sons named Jonathan, which we’re told is a very common name in Shadowhunter society.

I’d give that little fact a World Building point, but it seems that Jonathan is a name in both French and German. You win this round, Clare.

Anyway, that little coincidence, combined with the fact that Valentine faked his own death, got Maryse wondering how long he’d been planning to assume Michael Wayland’s identity.

And then she mentions something I did back in the first book – that Jace looked nothing like his supposed father, but did bear a striking resemblance to Valentine. Maryse then brings up a few other similarities between Jace and Valentine, notably not mentioning the whole “racist, genocidal psychopath” bit, but then again, she probably holds some of those views herself.

Maryse mentions how she knows Jace has heard descriptions of Michael Wayland from her and her husband, so how could Jace have realized it then?

And I think you all need to see his response.

“You said he was a good man.” Anger twisted inside him. “A brave Shadowhunter. A loving father. I thought that seemed accurate enough.”

Okay, Clare? I know some victims of abuse don’t really seem to realize it until after they’ve been removed from the abusive environment, but please pick one characterization for Valentine as a father. Was he a kind, loving, and indulgent, or was he abusive, fanatical, and psychotic? Because when Jace insists that he was a good father, it kind of undermines him as being the Embodiment of Pure Evil you’re trying so desperately to convince me he is.

Un-Logic: 1

So Maryse brings up whether Jace had seen photographs of either man, but Jace fires back that all of said photos were destroyed during Valentine’s little Putsch. How convenient. Well, except for the one Hodge kept in his copy of Mein Kampf – Shadowhunter Edition. Guess neither Mr. nor Mrs. Lightwood ever opened said book in the almost twenty years since the event occurred. Which is also very convenient.

All these coincidences are so contrived that Maryse is having trouble believing them. Here’s a hint, writers – if even your characters won’t buy the shit needed to make your plot work, you need to go back to the drawing board.

Shoddy World Building: 2

Just for spite.

Jace, however, is still firmly attached to his strings, and asks Maryse to trust him. She says she wants to, but obviously has her doubts. So Jace tries to prove his loyalty with this argument:

“I didn’t know,” Jace said again. “And when he asked me to come with him back to Idris, I said no. I’m still here. Doesn’t that count for anything?”

Uh, no, no it doesn’t. Because right up to the point where you learned that your father was actually the psychotic, genocidal madman, you were all gung-ho to run off with him. Hell, you even tried to convince Clary to come with you. So yeah, not exactly a convincing argument, buddy.

Un-Logic: 2

Maryse says it doesn’t, because there is the possibility that Valentine wants Jace where he is, and that she can’t afford to trust anyone who’s been close to Valentine. Jace points out that she was once close to Valentine, but Maryse says that she “repudiated” him.

You Keep Using that Word: 6

Yes, the word is correct, and it’s not quite so glaring as Jace using words like that, but I can’t imagine many teenagers knowing what “repudiate” means.

Mayrse wonders if Jace could do such a thing, and then asks him to do just that. But Jace can’t bring himself to do it. And when Maryse asks why, rather than actually explaining his reasons, Jace says this:

“Why can’t you say that you trust me? I’ve lived with you almost half my life. Surely you must know me better than that?”

Okay, here’s the thing, Jace – Maryse doesn’t have to prove a damn thing. You do. Your actions threw your real loyalties into question. Again, right up until you found out that your dad was actually Valentine, you were more than willing to do anything he said. Which to me says that your problem wasn’t with his goals or methods, but rather with his name and reputation. You’re more concerned about your façade of being a hero than actually being a hero.

But instead of pointing out the gaping flaws in Jace’s argument, Maryse reminisces about how he’s always been such a good liar. CC, this is not a good trait for the kind of hero you keep trying to convince me Jace is. Do I need to remind you that is one of several signs of a budding psychopath, and that Jace exhibits many such indicators?

And because this was written by someone who never quite moved past writing fan fiction, Valentine is the only other person Maryse has ever known who was that great a liar. Because not only are children just carbon copies of their same-gender parent physically, they also inherit their skills and personality as well. That’s how genetics work, right?

Maryse then goes on to describe how much of a sociopath Valentine was – how he viewed everyone outside his little group as an enemy, and everyone in it as a tools to be used. She then concludes that he’s done the same thing with Jace, turning him into “an arrow shot directly into the heart of the Clave,” and then name-drops the chapter’s title, just in case some of the readers couldn’t put it together.

Another scene break, and we’re back with Clary and Simon. Thankfully, it’s the last scene of the chapter, and it’s relatively short. I’ve gone on long enough as it is.

Clary comes out of Simon’s room to look for him. I’m hoping that this takes place immediately after the last scene with them, because otherwise Clary stared at the TV for several minutes before going to check on her so-called best friend.

Honestly, the latter would not surprise me.

She finds him in the kitchen, standing at the sink with the water running. Hey, Simon! Stop that. You’re wasting water.

Clary tries to get his attention, but then the narration gets distracted describing the kitchen and denigrating Simon for his lack of drawing ability. I’d put this up as a bit of Clary’s “artist” POV, but it has absolutely nothing to do with anything.

Entirely Pointless: 6

Clary goes over and puts a hand on Simon’s back, noticing that he may have lost some weight. I’m not giving it an Our Heroes point because CC does actually manage to explain why Clary might have missed that fact.

Clary asks Simon if he’s okay, which is probably the first time since he got turned into a rat that she’s shown any real concern for him, and Simon insists that he’s fine. But he’s clearly not, and Clary actually realizes this. Then she asks him if the movie upset him.

And we bring back yet another count.

No Shit Sherlock: 1

Gee, Clary, he only ran out of the room when it showed up. Unless you thought he was offended by your attempt at levity. I know I constantly am.

Simon is just as surprised that Clary didn’t immediately know why he’d be bothered as I was, but apparently she’s been working real hard to suppress that particular memory. Probably because it was the one time where she was not the center of the universe.

He then asks if he seems any different, and after a brief examination (read: CC inserting a description of him) and probably the only mention of his Crowning Moment of Awesome from the first book, Clary proclaims that “[he’s] still Simon.”

Well, yeah. That’s reassuring, but it’s not quite what he asked. But maybe I’m nitpicking.

But Simon seems happy with this result, and decides to kiss Clary.

And again, I’m conflicted about this. On the one hand, I’m glad Simon finally made a move, but I also know that he can do way better than Clary. Then there’s the fact that he takes her lack of response as consent, which it’s not, but then I’m certain that Simon will be an all-around better boyfriend than Jace could ever hope to be. And on top of all that, there’s the awkwardness of two long-time friends possibly becoming more than friends, and honestly I’m sick of all this teen hormone crap. Where’s the plot?

My prayers are somewhat answered, because the phone rings, brining an end to the make-out session. Simon answers (it’s the house phone), and then passes it to Clary. She’s worried for a moment, assuming it’s Luke, calling about her mom.

Except that she already said that he’d call her cell phone, not Simon’s house.

Oh, but there’s an explanation. It’s not Luke calling; it’s Isabelle, and she sounds upset. But her calling only raises further questions. Like, why is she calling Simon’s house? Why isn’t she calling Clary’s cell phone? And finally, why does she even have Simon’s home number?

Un-Logic: 3

Double because I can come up with an answer for is the last one, and it’s that Simon gave her his number back when they first met. Because despite CC’s attempts to undermine him, we all know that Simon’s great with the ladies.

Anyway, Isabelle wants to know if Jace is with them. God, I hope not. That would make this whole scene even more awkward.

Clary says he’s not, and asks why Isabelle would think that. And a dramatic sigh, Isabelle answers: Jace has disappeared.

Which brings our chapter to a close.

Sorry this took so long – I admit, it kinda got away from me at times. Mostly because CC seems determined to undermine what few good characters were in the first book, as well as reminding me of just how horrible her two MCs are. And she seems to think that them being apart is just the most horriblest thing evar.

I could go on a long rant about how she doesn’t seem to understand the difference between infatuation and love, but I won’t do that. Put simply, as Clary and Jace only knew each other for about a week, I can’t believe that their relationship is this deep, strong, epic thing CC seems to think it is. At best, they thought the other was hot – we have ample evidence of that. But being attracted to someone isn’t the same as being in love with them.

Besides, they’re both hormonal teenagers, so they don’t know the first thing about love.

That’s all for now, folks. I won’t make any promises about when the next one will be out – it’ll be done when it’s done. And given what happens in chapter 2, well…

Let’s just say there will be rage gifs. Many, many rage gifs.

Counts

Entirely Pointless: 6 (Total: 10)
Un-Logic: 3 (Total: 7)
You Keep Using That Word: 6 (Total: 11)
Shoddy World Building: 2 (Total: 4)
Rapier Twit: 2 (Total: 2)
Our “Heroes”: 1 (Total: 1)
No Shit Sherlock: 1 (Total: 1)

Comment [14]

Hey, folks, welcome back to City of Ashes. I know it’s been a while since chapter one, and I could try to give you all kinds of reasons for the delay, but I think there’s only one real reason for why I’ve been putting this off:

I hate this chapter.

Let me rephrase that – I hate this chapter. I’m not talking about the “throw the book against the wall” hate. I’m talking about “fury of a thousand suns” hate. “AM from I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream” hate.

Let me put it another way – remember chapter ten from the last book? Specifically the dinner scene, where Jace and Alec act like racist douche-bags to Simon? And no one calls them on their shit?

Yeah, this is basically a whole chapter of that.

Prep your rage-gifs, folks – you’re gonna need ‘em.

The chapter begins with the introduction of a new character, Maia Roberts, and finding out that Jace has not wound up at the bottom of the East River, much to my dismay. And Maia doesn’t trust Jace, but not for the obvious reasons – no, she doesn’t trust him because he’s pretty.

Maia Roberts had never trusted beautiful boys, which was why she hated Jace Wayland the first time she ever laid eyes on him.

Because no one can dislike Jace for actual reasons – like, say, that he’s an egotistical, racist, sociopathic prick. No, it’s because he’s just so damn pretty. And the not-so-subtle implication that Maia is in the wrong for this really doesn’t help matters.

And thus yet another count is brought back.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Even people who don’t like Jace must acknowledge that his hawtness.

We then get a long-ish info dump on just why Maia is so distrustful of “beautiful” boys. First, there was her brother, Daniel, who was pretty much a psychopath (wow, he and Jace already have so much in common!). He’d do all kinds of horrible things to her, including breaking her arm, but whenever she told anyone what he’d done, they wouldn’t believe her, because they all believed that Beauty Equals Goodness. Which is complete crap, because there’s no way that anyone (particularly her parents) would buy that, especially if said accusations are as chronic as implied here.

Un-Logic: 1

Anyway, Daniel eventually got hit by a car, and Maia felt conflicted about this, because even though she was glad the psychotic little fucker was dead, he was still her brother. She was even convinced that God (Hey, a character who actually has religious beliefs! Let’s see how long that lasts!) would punish her for feeling happy.

Anyway, the next in the line of utterly fucked-up pretty boys in Maia’s life was Jordan. He’s even got CC’s trademarked “long, girly eyelashes.”

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Seriously, CC, what is up with you and guys with girly eyelashes?

Sorry, moving on. They started dating, and then it turned out the Jordan was also a violent, possessive psycho. Maia actually did the smart thing and ran, but then did a really, really stupid thing and intentionally made-out with another guy while Jordan was looking. It’s almost like she’s got a death wish or something.

Whelp, turns out that not only was Jordan a violent psychopath, he was also a werewolf. That night, he attacked her and bit her, then completely disappeared. When the next full moon comes around, she transforms, and to CC’s credit, it actually sounds pretty horrifying.

Afterwords, Maia left her home in New Jersey, and I think you guys need to see her reasoning:

It wasn’t a hard decision. It was bad enough being biracial in her conservative suburban neighborhood. God knew what they’d do to a werewolf.

Un-Logic: 2

Seriously, CC? It’s the 2000s, not the 1950s. And it’s implied that her mother is Latino (Daniel is described as having “her mother’s honey-colored skin and huge dark eyes”), so what’s the problem? Also, they live in New Jersey, not the Deep South. Hell, I’m from Georgia, and I doubt anyone living in a “conservative suburban neighborhood” down here would bat an eye at a mixed race couple in this day and age.

So Maia ran off to New York City, and joined up with one of the several packs of werewolves. And of course she ended up in the pack that’s now lead by Luke.

Now, so far, I like Maia. Apart from a few bumps, her back story is interesting. She has a good reason to distrust Jace, even though she doesn’t know him. She seems to have learned the hard way that appearances can be deceiving. As the saying goes, “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”

But then we get this bit about the leadership of the pack:

Pack leaders were mutable. There’d been Kito first, then Véroniquie, then Gabriel, and now Luke. She’d liked Gabriel alright, but Luke was better. He had a trustworthy look and kind blue eyes, and he wasn’t too handsome, so she didn’t dislike him on the spot.

Okay then. So she developed a tendency to distrust attractive people (sorry, just attractive boys), but has not taken it to it’s logical conclusion – i.e. not to judge people based on their appearance. Maia doesn’t think Luke is a better alpha because of anything he’s done. No, he’s a better alpha because he looks “trustworthy” and has “kind blue eyes”.

Un-Logic: 3

I’m sure I’ve made it perfectly clear at this point, but I don’t like the Beauty Equals Goodness trope. I don’t like the implications of it, and I really don’t like how some YA authors take it to the extreme, i.e. “it’s okay if he’s hot”. This is sending some very dangerous messages to young girls. There are real men like Edward Cullen and Jace Wayland out there, and the do not need help.

But I suppose I shouldn’t be all that surprised by this. CC practically came out and said that anything Jace does is excusable by his “tragic back story” and the fact that he’s “soooo haawwwt”. She is, underneath it all, still a fan-fic writing Suethor.

Anyway, we’re finally reaching the end of the exposition-dump. The chapter title get’s name-dropped: the Hunter’s Moon is a werewolf bar where they go to get drunk after full moons (they don’t even card you, so long as you’re a werewolf). The name’s not quite as bad as the Jade Wolf from the last book, but I’m still kinda bugged that apparently any werewolf-related business has to have a name advertising the fact. I mean, at least True Blood gave an excuse for a vampire bar being named Fangtasia, even if it did basically boil down to “vampires like puns”.

So aside from the whole “turning into a ravening monster once a month” thing (insert your own menstruation joke here), Maia’s actually pretty happy with her new life, and “hardly [thinks] about her family at all”, which is of course ruined when Jace motherfucking Wayland walks into the bar. His sudden appearance freaks Maia out, because Jace reminds her of her brother. Not exactly because of the way they look, mind, but in their behavior.

Let me say that again: Jace is sending this girl into a PTSD-like flashback. And he’s supposed to be the hero.

Our “Heroes”: 1

This is so fucked up. I’d say the book was being meta, but I it doesn’t have the depth for it.

And because CC is so reliant on tropes, everyone acts like this is a Western and Jace is the big, tough gunslinger, even though in real life they’d be laughing their asses off at the pretty-boy trying to play at being a badass. And because CC is trying so damn hard, and failing so spectacularly, I think you should all see. Never say I don’t love you guys.

A rush of murmurs swept through the bar on the heels of the boy’s arrival, like the froth of a wave spreading out from the stern of a boat. The boy acted as if he didn’t notice anything, hooking a barstool toward himself with a booted foot and settling onto it with his elbows on the bar. Maia heard him order a shot of single malt in the quiet that followed the murmurs. He downed half the drink with a neat flip of his wrist. The liquor was the same dark gold color as his hair. When he lifted his hand to set the glass back down on the bar, Maia saw the thick coiling black Marks on his wrists and the backs of his hands.

[wipes away tear]

Oh, wow. That is the very definition of “trying too hard”. If it were just a complete cliché, that’d be one thing, but that bit with the shot really puts it over the top. I mean, who only drinks half a shot? I can’t help but imagine that Jace pulled a face and went “ew, yucky”.

And what makes it even funnier is that I have absolutely no doubt that CC believes that Jace is being a total badass here. My god, woman.

One last thing before we move on.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

Because we really needed to know that Jace’s hair is the exact same shade as the scotch. It’s super important, guys.

Sadly, no one else has the same reaction to Jace’s little display that I do, because CC is still imposing her will on them. Maia hears the guy sitting next to her – we’re told his name is Bat, and that he and Maia had dated at one time, but now they’re “just friends” (sure you are, honey) – call Jace a “Nephilim”, which I remind you guys is the actual name for the Shadowhunter species (like Sebaceans and Peacekeepers on Farscape).

Entirely Pointless: 1

Did I really need to know that Maia had friend zoned this guy? This guy who I’m absolutely sure will never show up again?

Anyway, this revelation leads Maia to give another info dump, this time about the Shadowhunters. In brief, they are the “secret police” of this world, there’s no way to actually join them, and there are a lot of nasty rumors about them, such as that they’re “ haughty, proud, cruel” and “[look] down on and [despise] Downworlders.” And while I’m sure CC intends for the reader to protest that none of this is true, given what we saw in the first book, I think it’s safe to say that those rumors are entirely accurate.

Also, I’m fairly certain those don’t qualify as rumors. They’re more of a stereotype, if anything.

You Keep Using That Word: 1

And spoilers, Jace isn’t going to do anything to dispel said stereotype.

Maia continues to info dump about Shadowhunters, namely that they also hunt demons. She didn’t take the revelation that demons actually exist all that well – she can grasp vampires and werewolves, but refers to things like heaven, hell, angels, and demons as “crap” (despite the narration earlier identifying Jordan was God’s payback for Maia’s relief at her brother’s death), and she’s still frustrated that no one can flat-out tell her whether or not God exists. I’m tempted to think of this as CC doing a bit of lampshade hanging, and if so, she’s doing a piss-poor job of it. Little tip: if you’re going to bring in things like angels and demons, you kind of need to address thing like if Heaven, Hell, and, you know, God actually exist in this setting. Especially when you have a super-special awesome Mary Sue race who claim to be descended from angels.

Maia finally finishes info dumping (at least for now), and things go straight to hell because Jace opens his stupid mouth.

“I take it,” the boy said, leaning his elbows onto the bar, “that you don’t serve Silver Bullet here. Too many bad associations?” His eyes gleamed, narrow and shining like the moon at a quarter full.

Rapier Twit: 1

The bartender – who’s name we’re told is Freaky Pete, for some reason

Entirely Pointless: 2

ignores Jace’s attempt at humor. Under normal circumstances, I’d commend this, because the absolute last thing you want to do with people like Jace is engage with them, because they will drag you down to their level. But no, we’re told through Maia’s POV (guess she has info dump diarrhea or something) that, were Jace not a Shadowhunter, Freaky Pete would have tossed his pale, pretty-boy ass out for making a crack like that. So, Jace is basically acting like the Nazis in this scene from Casablanca, only there’s no Victor Laszlo to get everyone to drown out his obnoxiousness.

Thanks, CC, for further encouraging me to associate the Shadowhunters with Nazis. The fact that you’re Jewish just makes it more disturbing.

But of course someone has to take Jace’s bait, and since there’s only two other named characters in this scene, it is of course Bat. I think we can add “idiot” to his list of character traits. Oh, and we’re also told that he has his own place, and he was the one who broke up with Maia. Because we really needed to know that.

Entirely Pointless: 3

He tells Jace that they don’t serve Silver Bullet because it’s a crappy beer. I wouldn’t know, because I’m not a beer drinker.

As you can imagine, Jace is all kinds of pleased that he’s not being ignored, and decides to make a “hair of the dog” joke.

Rapier Twit: 2

But instead of making an actual comeback (like, say, calling Jace a pussy for not being able to down a whole shot in one go), Bat just goes, “Oh, you think you’re so funny, huh?”

And here’s how Jace responds:

“Who am I to deny the obvious?”

Rapier Twit: 3

[sigh]

Jace, let me explain this to you. And I’ll try to use small words so you’ll understand:

You are not funny. I don’t know what gave you the impression that you are (probably one too many ultra-shallow girls trying to get in your pants), but nothing you have ever said has been funny. Probably because CC managed to perfectly emulate Draco Malfoy, but utterly failed to grasp why pretty much everyone (both in and out of the books) considered him to be a completely reprehensible human being for the bulk of the Harry Potter series.

Maia tries to talk Bat down from confronting Jace, because she’s the only one who realizes how “dangerous” Jace is (read: the only one actually frightened by the pansy-ass little twit). But since CC is the one writing this, and Jace is the Gary Stu Designated Hero, of course Maia will be right.

Jace says something nasty to Bat (we don’t actually get to overhear it, because that might imply that Jace is somehow less than perfect), which of course sets Bat off. So takes a swing at Jace, but Jace is somehow miraculously five feet back from where he’d been standing.

Let me explain that in case you missed it – in the amount of time it took Bat to swing his fist at Jace, Jace somehow managed to move five whole feet, and without anyone (especially Bat) noticing.

You know, it’s bad enough that CC clearly wrote this scenario just to show how “awesome” a fighter Jace is, but the fact that she’s now got the little shit-stain practically violating the laws of physics just so he doesn’t get hurt in a fight that he started.

Our “Heroes”: 2

Freaky Pete jumps in again, because even though it’s clear that no one can harm the Great and Powerful Jace Wayland (the god-moding little shit), Pete knows that the Shadowhunters, oppressive bastards that they are, will fall on the place like a ton of bricks if they get even a whiff of someone attacking one of their own. Pete tells Bat to take a walk and cool off, which Bat does after a moment.

Jace, being a petulant little child, is put off by this, and insists that he didn’t need any help. Freaky Pete says he was only worried about them messing up his bar, and that if Jace doesn’t want any trouble, he should leave.

But since Jace is a “bad boy”, he says that he’s looking for trouble. And he hasn’t finish his drink. You know, the other half of his single shot. And no, that will never not be funny. He’s supposed to be this terrifying badass, but he can’t even down a whole shot.

Maia points out that the remainder of Jace’s drink is now dripping down the wall behind the bar, because even though Bat missed Jace, he did hit Jace’s drink. And instead of just flat-out refusing Jace service (hey, he did provoke a fight with one of his regulars), Freaky Pete pours Jace another shot.

Seriously, the amount of deference being shown to Jace doesn’t make me think the werewolves are scared of him – it makes me think they’re scared of the Clave.

But before the rest of the bar’s patrons can get down on their knees to start sucking on Jace’s no-doubt miniscule dick, Bat bursts through the door covered in blood. The blood’s not from him, though – it’s from the body of a dead kid in the alley. Everyone in the bar rushes to the door, except for one person. Can you guess who?

That’s right – Jace.

We get a few more details – the kid was attacked by a shadowy figure, who presumably cut the kid’s throat (it’s a bit unclear), and the attacker ran off when Bat came out. Oh, and the kid was still kind of alive when Bat found him, but died right after. And now I’m wondering why Bat didn’t make any noise upon seeing this, because as near as I can tell, maybe ten whole seconds passed between Bat leaving and coming back into the bar. Kind of a lag there, don’t you think? Then again, CC does have problems with indicating the passage of time.

One of the other werewolves figures that the kid got attacked by vampires, what with all the blood and the kid being left on their doorstep. Bat grabs Jace, and Jace of course gets indignant. Bat basically asks him why he’s sitting on his ass when “one of [their] own” is laying dead in the alley. And Jace, being a racist douche, responds as expected:

“Do you mean a lycanthrope or some other sort of Downworlder?” The boy arched his light eyebrows. “You all blend together to me.”

Our “Heroes”: 3

Hey, remember in the first book, where the reason Shadowhunters and Downworlders don’t get along is because of a long history of animosity? Yeah, maybe it’s also because of shit like this.

As you might imagine, Jace has now managed to piss off pretty much everyone in the room (well, except for Maia, who’s spent this whole scene sitting there like a bump on a log). Jace is talented like that. He’s even managed to get Freaky Pete worked up, and he tells Jace that the dead boy was named Joseph.

Good effort trying to humanize the kid, Pete, but Jace doesn’t care, because he’s a sociopath. Also, it really doesn’t help my impression of Maia that she’s not reacting to any of this either.

But Pete keeps going, saying that Joseph was part of the pack, and he was only fifteen. Jace continues to dig by going “what do you want me to do about it?”. Pete basically says he wants Jace to do his fucking job. Jace decides that the smart thing to do is insult the bar. Pete warns him yet again, and Jace is once again flippant (that’s bad parenting, Pete – if you make a threat, you have to carry through).

There’s a little more back and forth (and Jace once again can’t down a whole shot), and Pete finally says what he should have in the first place:

“So that’s the attitude of the Clave, a week after the Accords?” said Pete with disgust. “The death of Downworlders is nothing to you?”

And what sickens me is that I’m absolutely certain that, as far as Jace is concerned, that’s entirely true. But hey, even that’s better than being a filthy Mundane.

But Jace is at least smart enough not to actually voice this opinion. Not by much, though. He gives one of his creepy psycho smiles (meaning, all of them), which of course frightens Maia, because she’s a good little wimmin and is all frightened of the big bad man, and Jace says this:

“How like Downworlders,” he said, “expecting the Clave to clean your mess up for you. As if we could be bothered just because some stupid cub decided to splatter-paint himself all over your alley—”

Unfortunately, Jace isn’t being cut-off by one of the werewolves giving him a much deserved beating. No, it’s cut off because CC either doesn’t want to write or figure out exactly what Jace calls the werewolves. But from the lengthy description, it’s safe to assume it’s some kind of racial epithet.

And let me remind you – he’s supposed to be the hero. And there are people who actually believe it.

It’s things like this that make me fear for the future.

Our “Heroes: 4

As you might expect, this once again sets Bat off, and once again CC tells physics to shove it just to make Jace look good – in this case, he somehow goes from sitting at the bar to standing on top of it. Without anyone noticing. I’m not even kidding – people gasp, Maia’s jaw literally drops; it’s like something out of a cartoon.

CC then makes it worse by actually describing Jace as looking “like an avenging angel”.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

Because I guess that shit didn’t get old in the last book.

Oh, and then Jace has to make it even worse by doing that “bring it” gesture. Which CC takes the time to explain, because I guess her target audience wouldn’t be familiar with such things.

So two of the werewolves try to jump him, but since Jace is a god-moding little SOB none of them can even touch him. He kicks them both in the face, which of course sends them sprawling, and he laughs.

Yeah, Jace is, at best, on the bottom rung of the Sliding Scale of Anti-Heroes. He definitely qualifies as a Nominal Hero, as well as a Sociopathic Hero. Hell, the only thing keeping Jace from being an out-right villain is that he’s on the side of the Clave, and they’re only the good guys because they aren’t actively trying to commit mass genocide. And because CC says so.

But we haven’t quite reached the most infuriating part. Not just yet.

One of the other werewolves manages to grab Jace (to quote Marv from Sin City, “I got you now, ya little bastard. Let’s see you hop around now.”) and yanks him off the counter top. And still Jace is laughing.

But we don’t get to see Jace get nine kinds of shit kicked out of him, because Luke shows up and tells them all to stop and to “Leave the boy alone.”

And we aren’t quite done yet, folks.

So everyone moves away from Jace, except for Bat, who was about to go to town on Jace. You know, I’m really starting to reconsider my opinion of ol’ Bat. Sure, he’s a bit impulsive and has some anger control issues, but at least he doesn’t back down from a fight.

Bat says that Jace is a Shadowhunter, and thus doesn’t really qualify as a “boy”. I’d go further and say that Jace doesn’t qualify as a human being, but that’s me. Luke counters that the werewolves and Shadowhunters are allies, so they’re welcome at the bar.

Despite the fact that the narration earlier said that, as far as the werewolves are concerned, the only thing worse than a Shadowhunter is a vampire. Yeah, I don’t think the Shadowhunters have “allies” so much as “groups who aren’t quite scum”.

Bat starts to point out that Jace literally came out and said he didn’t give a shit about Joseph – you know, the dead 15-year-old werewolf in the alley – but Luke brushes that off, and flat-out asks Jace if he came looking for a fight. Oh, and he also finally drops Jace’s name, and Jace addresses Luke by name. This of course gets everyone, including Bat, to back off Jace, as opposed to getting them to turn their anger on Luke.

Un-Logic: 4

Freaky Pete steps up and gives the full story, namely that Jace flat-out said that the Clave didn’t give a shit about Downworlders. And mentions again that the Accords were renewed just a week ago. So yeah, Jace has not exactly been a sterling example of inter-species cooperation.

But again Luke brushes the concerns and opinions of his pack aside:

“Jace doesn’t speak for the Clave ,” said Luke, “and there’s nothing he could have done even if he’d wanted to. Isn’t that right?”

[eye twitch]

Oh, I beg to fucking differ. He could have gotten off his lazy ass and examined the scene of the crime. He could have said something like, “Sorry, I’m on probation, but I’ll make sure the proper people find out.” He could have not come down to this bar and actively antagonized the werewolves in an effort to start a fight, especially not (as has been mentioned several times already) a fucking week after renewing the treaty between Downworlders and Shadowhunters.

And I’m gonna drop some spoilers right now, folks – this whole incident? Never brought up again. Jace will be locked up several times over the course of this book by the Shadowhunters, and not once will it have anything to do with what he’s done here. So despite Luke’s claims to the contrary, I think it’s pretty clear that the Clave and Shadowhunters in general actually don’t give a shit about the Downworlders. But we already knew that based on how the members of the Circle were “punished”, didn’t we?

We’re almost done with the scene, so I think I can hold it together a bit longer.

Jace gets pissed that Luke knows about the thing with Maryse, and asks who told him, specifically mentioning Clary. Luke says that, no, he found out because he’s an alpha werewolf, so he has to know things. Because I guess the werewolves have a rather extensive intelligence gathering network or something.

(Then again, he/they did manage to track down Clary’s dumb ass twice in the last book, so maybe there’s something to that)

Oh, and Maia just “knows” that Clary is important to both of them, because the readers had to be reminded of that. It’s not as if we already know that everything in these books revolves around her and Jace.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4

Because I’m feeling spiteful, okay?

So Luke decides to take Jace back to Freaky Pete’s office for a private chat, and Jace agrees to go, making one last quip because he has to get in the last word.

“Fine,” he said, “but you owe me for the Scotch I didn’t drink.”

Rapier Twit: 4

[twitch twitch]

Really, Jace? Do you mean the first one, which you were too much of a fucking pansy to drink like an adult, and which ended up on the wall because you decided to start picking a fight? Or the second one, which was on the house, and which also got spilled because you kept picking a fight and were too much of a pansy to drink like an adult?

And really, Pete had every right to card your ass and deny you service. Yes, he lets underage kids drink, but here’s the thing – they’re werewolves, and this is a werewolf bar. The kids are part of the pack, which I’m assuming equates to being family, and I imagine Pete still keeps a close eye on the minors.

But Jace? Yeah, he ain’t part of the pack. He doesn’t deserve special treatment, regardless of what CC thinks. Honestly, Pete should have just told Jace to leave after that first scuffle with Bat. Because even though Bat through the first punch, Jace clearly provoked him, and showed no intention of changing his behavior, and was obviously going to start another fight. It would have been a fucking preventative measure.

But nooooo, we can’t have someone not bow down the Almighty Jace and not be smitten for their transgression.

And you know what? That’s all I can take for now. I know we’re only about half-way through the chapter, but honestly? This has been exhausting to go through. So I’ll give some quick thoughts and then close it out.

This one single scene (and yes, it is only one scene) is a perfect demonstration of why Jace is in no way heroic. The things that are supposed to show what a badass he is are either infuriatingly arrogant or laughably over-the-top. What’s more, it shows how much of a petulant little child he is. Because the whole reason for this little demonstration? Jace is upset, and this is how he deals with his emotions.

It’s exactly the same as what happened before chapter 1 – Jace can’t deal with his emotions, so instead he goes out and beats things up. The only differences are that this time, the target of his frustration are innocent werewolves instead of a presumably dangerous demon, and that he didn’t drag Alec and Isabelle into this mess. And I’d applaud CC for doing this, if I wasn’t entirely certain that I’m supposed to fell sorry for Jace instead of being pissed off at him. “Oh, Jace has feeelings and doesn’t know how to deal with them! He just needs a hug!”

Well, here’s the thing about Jace’s “emotional problems”:

And I’ll be honest – I’d be fine with Jace being an emotional wreck right now. I was fine with Harry’s behavior in OotP. Hell, he was an orphan who’d lived in a closet for a decade; I’m kinda surprised he managed to make it to fifteen before having an emotional breakdown.

But Jace isn’t fifteen – he’s seventeen. He should be relatively stable by this point. And Jace has made it perfectly clear that, in his opinion, he deserves to be treated like an adult. And I will admit that he’s probably as skilled at killing demons as any adult Shadowhunter. Except there’s more to being an adult than just stuff like that, even if it is what this utterly fucked-up society most values.

And when Jace is in a very emotional situation – the kind of things adults have to deal with all the time – does he react with maturity and control?

Thank you, Mr. Holmes.

No, instead he goes out and starts fights. And it clearly doesn’t matter with whom – demons, Downworlders, who cares? Even if said Downworlders are “allies” of the Shadowhunters, and they just renewed their treaty, it doesn’t matter, because Jace has feeeeelinnnnngssss. And anyway, it’s not like they’re real people.

And I’m sorry for the lack of funny, but honestly? There’s not a whole lot for me to work with.

So that’s it for now, folks. I’ll be back with part two, which is… well, not exactly better, per se, but at least we don’t have to deal with Jace being an infuriating, smug bastard. No, it’s infuriating for entirely different reasons.

Counts

Entirely Pointless: 3 (Total: 13)
Un-Logic: 4 (Total: 11)
You Keep Using That Word: 1 (Total: 12)
Shoddy World Building: 0 (Total: 4)
Rapier Twit: 4 (Total: 6)
Our “Heroes”: 4 (Total: 5)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 (Total: 1)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 4 (Total: 4)

Comment [13]

Hey folks, and welcome back to the City of Ashes sporking.

In case you forgot, in the first part of chapter two, Jace – obviously upset that his surrogate/adopted mother didn’t trust him after he was totally willing to sell them all out to hang out with his supposedly-dead, abusive, genocidal father (hey, Stockholm Syndrome is a bitch) – decided that the best way to deal with his feelings was to go down to the local werewolf watering hole and start a fight. Oh, and the pack? It’s the same one from the first book – you know, the one that risked and lost several members to Valentine’s Hulked-out troops all to rescue Jace? Which happened about a week ago?

Yeah. Those werewolves.

Honestly, I’m not sure who place more blame on for that – Jace for once again demonstrating how horrible a person he is, or CC for apparently forgetting her own canon. Probably both.

Either way, I’m going to just preemptively give the chapter this:

Our “Heroes”: 2

One for Jace’s utter lack of gratitude, and one for CC for not realizing how horrible this shows him to be.

Oh, and we also met a new character in part one – Maia Roberts, a half-Latino (I think) werewolf girl. She was out POV character for pat one, and nicely demonstrated that CC can only write one female POV (or possibly just one POV in general) because there was effectively no real difference between Maia’s behavior and Clary’s – they both spend most of their time sitting on the sidelines watching other characters and contributing nothing to the plot, raising the question of why they’re there in the first place, especially because the books are written in third person.

So now we move on to the second part of the chapter, which takes us to Clary’s POV.

Well, it’s a step up. A small one.

Clary and Simon have just finished searching for Jace at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, which was apparently Clary’s “last guess” at where Jace might have gone. Simon clarifies this assumption, saying that, what with Jace being a kill-happy psychopath (I’m paraphrasing), he might decide to hang out at the “biggest collection of weapons in the whole city” (not paraphrasing).

I have two things to say about this. First, since Clary only met Jace a little over a week ago, and most of that time was spent either running around or mooning over him, what gives her the impression that she knows anything about him? She doesn’t know a thing about him, other than the fact that he enjoys his job to an unhealthy degree.

Which leads into my second point – we, the readers, don’t know anything about Jace either. Yes, we know his back story, but all that tells us is that his father was a racist dick who was training Jace to be a weapon. Apart from being hot (which we’re told incessantly), and being a racist psychopath (which I’m sure was unintentional), Jace is a literal non-entity.

Anyway, Simon doesn’t complain about his sort-of girlfriend dragging him around to look for her brother whom she still lusts after. In fact, it’s quite the contrary – he’s always willing to visit the Met’s arms and armor collection to get inspiration for the D&D campaign he’s running. Which once again demonstrates that Simon’s life is far, far more interesting than anything involving Clary and/or Jace, because at least Simon has a life.

But of course CC has to ruin this wonderful moment by turning the focus away from Simon’s interesting (if mundane) life and back to where it belongs – her self insert Clary.

Clary asks how Simon can still game after what they went through in the last book. Because I guess people who suddenly discover that the supernatural is real would for some reason avoid games like D&D.

To which I say bullshit. And I can provide examples to the contrary – both Harry Dresden of the Dresden Files series and Zoe Norris from the Shambling Guides series* play D&D or some variant thereof, and both of them live in worlds where the encounter things straight out of the Monster Manual on a much more regular basis than Clary or any of the Shadowhunters do, despite CC’s “all myths are true” crap.

(*For more on the Shambling Guide series, read my review of the first book, The Shambling Guide to New York City, here, and listen to the free podcast of the second book, Ghost Train to New Orleans, here.)

And what’s more, it feels like CC is using Simon’s playing D&D as short-hand for him being the “bad” kind of geek, as opposed to the “good” kind of geek she/Clary/her fans is/are, when really, the bad geeks are the ones who exclude others for one reason or another.

Getting back to the book, Clary’s brain apparently kicked back into gear, and she starts thinking about how much better RPGs are compared to her life. I think you guys need to see this:

Except in a game, the good guys always won, defeated the bad guys and came home with the treasure. Whereas in real life, they’d lost the treasure, and sometimes Clary still wasn’t clear on who the bad and good guys actually were.

Let’s take a closer look at that last sentence, shall we? Yes, Clary, Valentine did get away with the MacGuffin cup. And you know whose fault that was? Jace’s, because he just couldn’t bring himself to kill is genocidal SOB of a father. Which I’m sure CC/her fans would say is a good thing, but this is the same guy who just started a bar fight with the people who risked life and limb to save his ass less than a week ago. Oh, and it’s also your fault, Clary, because you were the one who decided that you needed to actually have the MacGuffin cup in hand, rather than leaving it nice and safe as a drawing.

And as for the second part – since when has Clary ever been in doubt about who the good guys and bad guys are? Yes, I may say that the only thing that makes the Shadowhunters better than Valentine is that they aren’t actively trying to commit genocide, and that Jace is, at best, a sociopathic hero who doesn’t even have the decency to be either charming or amusing, but I’m also the one who actually calls Jace on being a sociopath, whereas you haven’t stopped mooning over him since about five minutes after meeting him.

Moving on, Clary looks at Simon and thinks that all the crap he’s been through in the past week is entirely her fault. Under different circumstances, I’d say she was once again making everything about her, but in this case I agree. Yes, Clary, everything bad that has happened to Simon in the previous week (i.e. the last book) ultimately tracks back to you. I am absolutely certain that his life would be greatly improved if you removed yourself from it. But of course, that would mean Clary giving up her backup guy, and CC potentially leaving her self insert Clary single, so that’s not going to happen.

Clary starts to say something, but Simon breaks up her pity-party by talking about his awesome character and what’s going on in the game. And once again I wonder why I have to put up with Clary’s boring drama when we could be focusing on Simon’s awesome life instead.

Luke then calls Clary to tell us what we already know – Jace was a douche and decided to pick a fight with a pack of half-drunk werewolves. Clary briefly wonders why Jace would do such a thing, but then says that he would “pick a fight with a Mack truck if the urge took him.”

Don’t tease me like that, CC. Also, in what universe is that kind of stupidity, impulsivity, and bull-headed stubbornness an attractive combination? It has “Darwin Award” written all over it.

And of course Clary shows no concern for anyone except Jace, which I suppose can be forgiven as Luke doesn’t mention anyone else being injured. He’s such a kind, caring leader, isn’t he? Right up there with Vidkun Quisling. It’s no wonder that Maia likes him so much.

Luke asks Clary to come down to the Hunter’s Moon and try to talk some sense into Jace, on the basis of… um… they’re siblings? I really don’t know – you’d think he’d maybe try contacting the other Shadowhunters living in New York, as they’re more family to Jace than Clary is, plus they’ve known him for years.

But let’s face it – the real reason Clary has to go is so she an Jace can be in the same room together. The plot demands it!

Un-Logic: 1

Simon, not being an idiot, managed to figure out that the call was about Jace. Clary starts mentally debating on whether to take a cab or the subway to the bar, and zones out for a few minutes because such thoughts must be very taxing on her, what with her limited brain power and all. She eventually comes back to reality, only to realize that Simon’s been talking the whole time, and she hasn’t heard a word of it. Simon, being the perceptive guy that he is, realizes that Clary was, once again, ignoring him. Honestly, this kind of treatment from Clary shouldn’t surprise him – it’s exactly how she behaved in the last book, even before all the weirdness started. I just wonder why Simon continues to put up with it (and no, I will not except “because he luuuuvvs her” as an excuse).

Clary justifies her lack of attention given to her “best friend”/boyfriend with the following:

“I was thinking about Jace. It sounded like he was in bad shape. Sorry.”

Uh, no, Clary – you were thinking about which would be the fastest way to get to Jace, which is very much not the same thing. Also, Luke said that Jace had “a few cuts and bruises”, which is not the same as being in bad shape. You’re just trying to justify your behavior.

Simon reacts exactly how you’d expect a guy to when his sort-of girlfriend says she’s worried about her sort-of ex-boyfriend, and again demonstrates that he’s friggin’ Sherlock Holmes compared to Clary by figuring out that she plans on going to see Jace. Clary then points out that Luke did ask her to come down, and to her credit, she asks Simon to come with her. That last part is a lie, but at least Clary seems to realize that Simon actually has feelings, so kudos to her.

Simon then rightly points out that Luke could get Jace back home without Clary’s help, but Clary says that she has a better chance of getting an explanation out of Jace than Luke does. Which I suppose is true – honestly, I’d consider Jace not spitting on Luke and calling him all kinds of werewolf-related epithets to be a sign of restraint on Jace’s part. Simon then comments that he had hoped that they (he and Clary) could go out and do something date-like, and Clary thinks back to their brief make-out session in his kitchen. She also has no emotions attached to the memory, which you’d think would lead her to realize that she has no romantic feelings for Simon, but this is the girl who needed just about every “revelation” in the last book explained to her ad nauseam.

She then gives this final justification for going to see Jace:

“He’s my brother,” she said. “I have to go.”

And I honestly can’t argue with that logic. Yes, they only just found out that they’re siblings, but being family is a special kind of bond that overrides a lot of rational thought.

Simon also realizes that there’s no point in arguing with that, and agrees to go.

A quick scene break later, and they’re walking down the back hallway of the Hunter’s Moon to Freaky Pete’s office. There’s actually a nice bit of description of the bar’s interior, and Clary tactfully doesn’t mention that there’s just a hint of wet dog in the air. I’d congratulate her for this, but praising characters for behaving like decent human beings would be setting a bad precedent.

Luke explains that Jace is in a bad mood (is he ever in a good mood? Other than when he gets to kill something, that is), and Luke locked him in Pete’s office, only now mentioning that Jace almost killed a good half of Luke’s pack with his bare hands (Luke’s words, not mine).

And yet Jace is the one we’re supposed to feel sorry for.

And again, note where Luke’s priorities are – not with the injured werewolves that he’s the leader of, but with the son of the genocidal psychopath who almost killed about half of them for no good reason.

Our “Heroes”: 4

One for Jace, for again being a violent sociopath, and one for Luke, for again showing complete disregard for the lives and well-being of the people he’s in charge of.

Clary, of course, also ignores the fact that several of the people who risked their lives to help her in the last book were brutally attacked by the guy she has the hots for her brother.

Our “Heroes”: 5

No, instead she wonders why Jace would come to a place like the Hunter’s Moon. I’m not sure if it’s because she thinks he’s just such an upstanding guy that he wouldn’t hang around in a bar, or if it’s because she knows it’s a werewolf bar and Jace wouldn’t socialize with filthy Downworlders without a good reason. Like, say, getting some action from the waitress.

Simon, for some reason, decides to comment on the bar’s owner being named “Freaky Pete”.

Our “Heroes”: 6

Could one of you please show some concern for the injured werewolves? And don’t try to justify it as self-defense – I know what Jace said and did, and he provoked them into attacking him. He’s not the innocent victim, regardless of what CC seems to think.

And to top it all off, Luke goes and says this:

“I know a lot of people,” said Luke. “Not that Freaky Pete is strictly people, but I’m hardly one to talk.”

Our “Heroes”:7

See, it’s comments like that, from the former Shadowhunter turned werewolf, that lead me to believe that all Shadowhunters are racist dicks, and that Valentine isn’t quite so far on the bell curve as CC wants me to think.

Moving on, Luke opens the door, only to have Jace throw a pencil so hard that it sticks in the wall near Luke’s head.

Our “Heroes”: 8

Oh, but he apologizes, because he didn’t realize it was Luke opening the door. Implying that, had it been someone else, he wouldn’t have felt bad for clearly threatening them.

Our “Heroes”: 9

And what really pisses me off is how nonchalant Luke is about this. I guess throwing sharp objects at someone’s head is just the standard Shadowhunter greeting.

Now, of course, we have to have Clary’s reaction to seeing Jace for the first time in this book:

Clary felt her heart contract. She hadn’t seen Jace in days, and he looked different somehow— not just the bloody face and bruises, which were clearly new, but the skin on his face seemed tighter, the bones more prominent.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

So now CC’s trying the Hurt/Comfort schtick. I shouldn’t be surprised – she is, after all, still writing fanfiction. The only differences are that now she’s getting paid to do it, and she’s done a search & replace.

Jace notices Clary and Simon and, being a racist douche, tells them he wants Simon to leave for no reason. Clary’s nasty case of Basic Human Decency flairs up again, and she actually tries to defend Simon:

“That’s hardly fair.” Clary was indignant. Had he forgotten that Simon had saved Alec’s life, possibly all their lives?

Probably. Then again, you also forgot that at least two werewolves died trying to rescue Jace, so you don’t have any room to criticize. Pot, kettle, etc.

But Jace acts like the petulant child he is (even referring to Simon as “mundane” again just to piss me off, I’m sure), and Simon decides he has better things to do than put up with this jackass and leaves. Clary starts to chastise Jace, but again sees that he’s huuurt, so of course goes back to swooning over him.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Sorry, CC, but I ain’t buyin’ it. After all the crap Jace pulled in this book and the previous one, he deserves far worse than what he’s got. I seriously doubt his injuries are any worse than what any kid would get on the average playground.

But of course Jace has to try to justify his behavior:

“Unpleasant?” he finished for her. “Only on days when my adoptive mother tosses me out of the house with instructions never to darken her door again. Usually, I’m remarkably goodnatured. Try me on any day that doesn’t end in y.”

Mr. Pink, would you kindly express my feelings towards this?

Thank you. Jace, it is really hard for me to buy that you’re this broken up about Maryse kicking your ass out, especially after how you jumped at the chance to be with your abusive fuckwad of a father. And again, how does this in any way justify him taking his feeeeellllings out on Luke’s pack?

Also, don’t try to be flippant, you little turd. You wouldn’t know pleasant behavior if it jumped up and bit you in your underdeveloped scrotum.

Rapier Twit: 1

Luke decides to remind us that he’s here, expressing his doubts that Maryse really kicked Jace out. Jace of course is shocked that Luke knows Maryse. This doesn’t surprise me, as I doubt she would willingly associate with dirty, filthy Downworlders, and I don’t believe Jace knows Luke used to be a Shadowhunter. Luke doesn’t go into a chapter long recounting of his tragic back story (thank Yog-Sothoht for small favors), instead giving a very condensed explanation, along with some commentary on the Lightwoods’ current situation:

“They were in the Circle with me,” said Luke. “I was surprised when I heard they were heading the Institute here. It seems they made a deal with the Clave, after the Uprising, to ensure some kind of lenient treatment for themselves, while Hodge— well, we know what happened to him.”

I do so love (read: hate) how Luke/CC so casually brushes aside the fact that the Lightwoods were known terrorists who managed to get out of being locked up for the rest of their lives and are effectively free to go about their business unsupervised by saying that they “made a deal” with the Clave. Again, CC very clearly didn’t think through the implications of basically turning the Arthur and Molly Weasley into former Deatheaters.

Shoddy World Building: 1

So, Jace explains what happened: basically, Maryse thinks that Jace might have been working for Valentine the whole time (again, you were pretty damn eager to play Happy Family with him, so she’s got a point). Clary argues that the fact that Jace didn’t run off with Valentine when he had the chance proves where his loyalties lie, but apparently Maryse thinks Jace might still be working as a spy:

“A viper in their bosoms. Not that she used the word ‘bosoms,’ but the thought was there.”

Rapier Twit: 2

CC, your flailing attempts at humor only serve to undercut the seriousness of the situation. Not that I take it that seriously in the first place, but you know what I mean.

Thus, faced with the possibility of a cuckoo in the nest (a far more accurate comparison, I think), and getting the stink-eye from the Clave if there were any justice in this world, Maryse went with the only safe option and kicked Jace out. Or at least, that would be the explanation if this book were good and had characters who acted rationally. But sadly, it doesn’t.

No, instead Luke starts talking about how Maryse no doubt still cares about Jace because he’s like a son to her. I question how he came to this conclusion, considering he hasn’t seen or spoken to the Lightwoods since before the Pustch Uprising. Jace, being overly literal, points out that he isn’t Maryse’s son (this despite talk in chapter one about the Lightwoods having adopted him and Alec and Isabelle being his “step-siblings”). But of course, this whole conversation is just there so that Clary can drop this little nugget of wisdom on us:

“There’s more to parentage than blood. They’ve been your parents for seven years in all the ways that matter. Maryse is just hurt.”

Un-Logic: 2

Because that whole bit was just so utterly contrived. It’s practically shouting “THIS IS THE THEME OF THE BOOK!!!” because CC doesn’t understand how to be subtle.

And Clary’s conveniently ignoring the first ten or so years of Jace’s life, where he was raised by a genocidal fanatic. A fanatic who Jace eagerly joined back up with at the first chance, not even bothering to consider contacting his “family”. I know I keep bringing that up, but only because everyone except the “heroes” keep ignoring that fact.

Anyway, Jace gets all indignant about the idea of Maryse being hurt, which Luke ties back to when Valentine betrayed the Circle, even saying that she “loved” Valentine.

(Which gives me all sorts of disturbing implications given how Jace’s POV referred to the Lightwood siblings. And also adds a disturbing undertone to Alec’s crush on Jace. Suddenly this series having the same name as CC’s Ron/Ginny fic makes a lot more sense.)

Luke goes on to say that Maryse clearly doesn’t want to be hurt by Jace in the same way, so he has to reassure her that he’s not, in fact, working for Valentine.

Jace, unsurprisingly, continues to act like a spoiled child, insisting that since Maryse is the adult, she should be giving him reassurances. Uh, dude? Maryse hasn’t done anything worthy of suspicion. At least not recently.

Un-Logic: 3

That count has never felt more appropriate.

Clary, in a moment of surprising intelligence, a) points out that people make mistakes, and b) pulls a Don Corleone on him. (without the slapping, much to my disappointment).

And Jace’s response is so very indicative of who he is:

“I don’t want to be a man,” said Jace. “I want to be an angstridden teenager who can’t confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead.”
“Well,” said Luke, “you’re doing a fantastic job.”

First, this:

Rapier Twit: 3

Not for Luke – Luke’s line was another of those increasingly rare moments of CC actually being funny. No, that was because CC no doubt intended Jace’s line to be “clever” when in fact it’s entirely accurate.

Next, these:

Our “Heroes”: 11

A double dose because, a) despite (and in fact, because of) Jace’s insistence on being treated like an adult in the last book, he’s never not acted like a petulant little child, and b) claiming that he only “verbally” takes out his issues on other people. I believe there’s about a dozen or so werewolves outside who would disagree.

Clary tries changing tactics, bringing up how Alec and Isabelle will react to his disappearance. Jace is, of course, dismissive of that, because, well, they aren’t him, so their feelings don’t matter. Oh, sorry, it’s because he’s certain Maryse will cover for him. Then Clary mentions that Isabelle called her, and Isabelle sounded upset. And not only does Jace not care, he actually “pleased” at Isabelle’s distress.

Our “Heroes”: 12

And remember, this is the girl who is supposed to be more like a sister to him than his actual sister. If this doesn’t show him to be a sociopath, he’s at least acting like a child.

There’s a brief description of Jace’s bruises

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

which are compared to Marks

You Keep Using That Word: 1

(yes, that still bugs the crap out of me), and Jace basically goes “I’m a big boy and I don’t need them!”, declaring that he can take care of himself. To which Luke (who has apparently become the embodiment of sense and wisdom for this scene) points out the obvious problems – Jace has nowhere to stay, and no means of supporting himself.

Jace gets what I assume is a smug look on his face (his eyes are described as “glitter[ing]”)

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4

and points out that he’s seventeen, which makes him “Practically and adult” and apparently adult Shadowhunters can draw a stipend from the Clave or something.

Shoddy World Building: 2

Uh, how? As near as I can tell, the Shadowhunters only do one thing – kill demons. Well, and act as an oppressive “police” force, but that’s just inferred on my part. My point is, the Shadowhunters don’t produce anything. Their whole society has one mission, and everything is geared towards that. So where would they get the money to support their operations from? Because they clearly have to interact with the mundane world – they have to pay taxes on their property, as well as water, power, and gas. So where does that money come from? Do they extort money from the Downworlders?

But we’re going to ignore that, because Luke once again is awesome:

“Any adult. But you’re not one. You can’t draw a salary from the Clave because you’re too young, and in fact the Lightwoods are bound by the Law to care for you. If they won’t, someone else would be appointed or—”

Damn it, Luke, why do you have to go and do stuff like this? Because while I like this, I can’t forget that you’ve also demonstrated that you’re a horrible, inconsiderate leader, which makes me hate you. Pick one, please.

Also,

You Keep Using That Word: 2

Why do you insist on capitalizing “law”, CC? It’s not a proper noun, so please stop doing it.

And Jace’s reaction once again reveals so much about him:

“Or what?” Jace sprang up from the chair. “I’ll go to an orphanage in Idris? Be dumped on some family I’ve never met? I can get a job in the mundane world for a year, live like one of _them_—”

I especially want to draw your attention to that last sentence. Specifically, the not-at-all subtle implication that he thinks living as a mundane is somehow degrading – that it’s something he’ll put up with. And remember, these are the people he’s supposed to be protecting.

Our “Heroes”: 13

Oh, and the fact that he’d rather do that than be forced to humble himself.

Our “Heroes”: 14

Wow that count is getting high.

But Clary shoots down Jace’s idea of living as a mundane, saying that she “_was_ one of them.” Uh, Clary, you’re still living like a mundane. From what we’ve seen, there’s no significant difference between your life now and how it was before finding out you were a super special Shadowhunter.

Also, nice to see that you’re still maintaining the conceptual distance between yourself and the “mundanes”.

Our “Heroes”: 15

Clary goes on to point out that Jace is “too young” for the kind of job he’d want, and that most of the people who share his particular skill set – i.e. killing things – are mostly criminals. Jace protests that he’s totally not a killer, but Luke slaps him down with this:

“If you lived in the mundane world,” said Luke, “that’s all you’d be.”

And that is Jace’s greatest fear, isn’t it? That he’s not special; that he’s just like hundreds, if not thousands of other people. And the frustrating part? It’s entirely true. But good luck getting CC to admit it.

Faced with this ego-shattering concept, Jace admits the real reason he won’t go back – Maryse will want him to renounce his father, that he hates Valentine, and he just can’t do it.

Really? Despite him being an abusive fuckwad the whole time you lived with him? Despite getting incredibly pissed when anime-hair-demon just mentioned that he was alive in the last book? You’re going to tell me that you just luuuvv your father?

Oh, wait, that whole “grr, I hate Valentine!” was a total act, wasn’t it? I bet the only reason Jace ever claimed to disagree with Valentine’s motives or goals was so people would like him, isn’t it? He only feels conflicted because he wants the approval of the Shadowhunters and his father, and he can’t have both.

But instead of getting upset about this, Luke accepts it, because he “loved [Valentine] once too.” Which only reinforces my head-canon of Luke and Valentine being former lovers. Also, I can’t help but think there should be a comma in there.

Jace relaxes, and Clary somehow infers that Luke’s response was the real reason Jace came to the Hunter’s Moon:

This is why he came here, to this place. Not just to start a fight, but to get to Luke. Because Luke would understand.

Uh, no Clary, I think Jace quite clearly did not come to the bar to find Luke. You know how I know? Because if he did, he would have said something like, “I’m looking for Luke, is he around?” You know, like a normal person.

But instead, he came down and immediately started antagonizing everyone. Which tells me he wasn’t looking for comfort – he was looking for a fight. And he didn’t give a damn who it was with.

CC, keep your hands off me in the future. I will hurt you.

Luke says Maryse will totally understand Jace’s reasoning (yeah, right), and Clary stares at Jace’s face, which the narration describes as, “like a book written in a foreign language she’d studied all too briefly.”

Both Hands, Ma’am: 5

No, CC, Jace is not deep, despite what you may think – Clary probably just has a mild case of Asperger syndrome. That would explain how she totally missed the fact that Simon was in love with her for so long, along with a lot of other things.

When she finally comes out of her daze, Clary asks if Maryse actually told Jace to leave and never return. He says Maryse told him he should leave for a while, but didn’t say where he should go. Now, if this were me, I might take that as a hint that something is going to happen soon, and it would be better if he weren’t around for it, but I don’t need every little thing spelled out for me like these two geniuses.

Luke also fails to pick up on that implication, and offers Jace a place to stay if he needs it, which of course freaks Clary out, because she still luuuvvs Jace. And of course Jace accepts the offer, which freaks Clary out even more.

But before this can turn into a really bad, really disturbing teen soap opera, Luke insists that Jace go back to the Institute and try to patch things up with Maryse. Jace agrees, but has some conditions of his own – he doesn’t want to go alone.

Clary, being governed by her nether regions, eagerly volunteers to go with him. Jace, being Jace, of course knew she’d do that, but he also wants Luke to come as well. And it’s just now that I’m really starting to question whether Jace’s lady-killer persona might all have been an act. I’m sure Alec would be pleased, if nothing else.

Luke tries to get out of going, pointing out that he’s never been to the Institute, and Maryse isn’t likely to be happy to see him, but Jace says the magic word (“Please”), and Clary’s psychic powers flare up again to tell her just how hard it was for Jace to say that, and of course Luke agrees.

We are almost done with the chapter, people. Just one more scene. And it’s from Simon’s POV, so it probably won’t be that bad. Probably.

Alright, so we’re now presumably flashing back to shortly after Simon made his exit. He starts thinking about how his day’s gone so far. His little freak out on seeing Dracula on the TV is brought up, and it might as well have “FORESHADOWING! THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT!” written around it in neon-pink marker for all the subtlety used. Which isn’t surprising, given the author.

But apparently that little episode somehow gave him the push he needed to finally make a move on Clary, which he apparently remembers somewhat differently than how I read it – namely, he remembers Clary returning the kiss, rather than being a living mannequin.

Simon’s thoughts then move on to Jace, and how he doesn’t like Clary being around him. Not surprising, but then CC decides to start derailing Simon’s character:

It hadn’t always been like this, even after he’d realized how he felt about Clary. He’d never pressed her, never pushed his feelings on her. He’d always been sure that one day she would wake up out of her dreams of animated princes and kung fu heroes and realize what was staring them both in the face: They belonged together.

Yeah, she’s taken the nice, sweet, funny, interesting childhood friend
and turned him into a “Nice Guy.” Seriously, that reads disturbingly similar to this comic.

I guess CC didn’t like some readers preferring Clary to end up with Simon, and decided to do something about it.

We then get to Simon’s feelings about Jace, with the not-so-subtle implication that it’s because he’s jealous that Clary was so attracted to Jace. It couldn’t possibly be because Jace is an arrogant douchebag, no. Oh, and Simon also thinks that Jace is “Too pretty.”

Both Hands, Ma’am: 6

Because everyone must think Jace is attractive! Even the people who hate him!

Blah, blah, Simon was happy that Clary and Jace being siblings put the kibosh on them boinking, but now he’s starting to realize that that might not be enough.

Someone asks Simon if Luke’s in the office, but for some reason we don’t get a description of them until about three lines of dialogue into the conversation, despite Simon looking right at them. CC, you fail as a writer.

I’ll save you guys the time wondering – it’s Maia, because who else could it be?

We get a more detailed description of Maia, including that she has a very curvy figure and her hair is “braided close to her head in dozens of small braids.”

You Keep Using That Word: 3

Good gods, CC, that is horrible. It’s almost as bad as when anime-demon’s sword “bent as easily as a blade of grass bending sideways.” Seriously, did no one point out how stupid that sounded?

Simon and Maia get to talking, and once again, Simon has better chemistry with someone other than Clary. They have so much in common! For starters, they both think Jace is an asshole.

Simon explains that he’s there with Clary, who he identifies both as Jace’s sister and his (Simon’s) “best friend.” Guess he can see the writing on the wall an knows that’s the best he can hope for. Maia commiserates on the topic of asshole brothers (that’s putting it mildly – both Jace and Daniel are/were complete psychopaths), and Simon explains that Clary’s probably the only person who Jace might listen to. Maia says that Jace “didn’t strike [her] as the listening type.”

Then Maia notices Simon staring at the scar on her neck, and she explains that it’s from when she got bit. Simon then figures out that she’s a werewolf, and that she wasn’t born a werewolf.

No Shit Sherlock: 1

I guess being a POV character saps your brains or something. Maia explains that werewolves are turned, and then we get to something that perfectly demonstrates why the werewolves (and probably vampires as well) are so much better than the Shadowhunters:

“That’s what makes us different than your Shadowhunter buddies.”
“What?”
She smiled fleetingly. “We were human once.”

That line alone makes up for all her stupidity in the first part of the chapter. It’s like she momentarily slipped CC’s grasp to point out what’s wrong with the designated heroes.

They finally exchange names, and Simon asks how Maia concluded Jace was an asshole. She tells him Jace tore up the bar and injured a lot of her pack-mates. And the old Simon shines through, because he actually shows concern for them!

And that just makes the lack of concern from both Clary and especially Luke all the worse!

In fact, that was so awesome I’m actually going to take back the count I gave to him earlier.

Our “Heroes”: 14

Stay strong, Simon! I know you’re an awesome character! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

Anyway, the injured werewolves have been treated by a warlock, because Downworlders tend to avoid normal doctors. And apparently Downworlders, or at least werewolves, can just tell if someone’s a normal human, because their humanity “shines out” of them. Or something.

Simon offers to tell Luke that Maia wants to talk to him, but she decides to just leave a message with Simon, namely that Magnus Bane is checking out the dead werewolf boy. Oh yeah, there was a crime scene outside – you might have forgotten, given how everyone just ignored it.

Maia starts to walk off, and asks Simon if he thinks Clary will be able to talk some sense into Jace. Simon again says that Clary’s the only person Jace would listen to, and the chapter ends with this:

“That’s sweet,” said Maia. “That he loves his sister like that.”
“Yeah,” Simon said. “It’s precious.”

I’ll let Gandalf express my opinion of that. CC, please, leave the clever word-play to people who are actually good at it. That sort of thing requires a certain amount of subtlety, which you don’t have. At all.

So what did this chapter accomplish in the grand scheme of things? Well, one new side character was introduced, and plot-related stuff happened. And was promptly ignored in favor of Jace’s man-pain. We got definitive proof that Jace is a racist, violent psychopath, but that was unintentional. Luke showed that he doesn’t give two shits about the people he’s leading, but again, that was unintentional. Clary showed that she doesn’t care about anyone she doesn’t know personally, but once again, that was unintentional. Jace was also shown to be a petulant man-child, and at least that was addressed. And then there was that stuff with Simon, but I think that was mostly to a) make readers dislike him, and b) sow seeds for a potential “backup relationship” for him.

Really, the whole point of this chapter was to get Jace and Clary in the same place, because there’s no real reason for her to get involved in any of this.

Well, NaNoWriMo is coming up, so you probably won’t see anything else from me until December. But I will try to have the next chapter ready to go. See you then!

Counts

Entirely Pointless: 0 (Total: 13)
Un-Logic: 3 (Total: 14)
You Keep Using That Word: 3 (Total: 15)
Shoddy World Building: 2 (Total: 6)
Rapier Twit: 3 (Total: 9)
Our “Heroes”: 14 (Total: 19)
No Shit Sherlock: 1 (Total: 2)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 6 (Total: 10)

Comment [13]

Another November has passed, and another NaNoWriMo with it. And while I may have had a few rough patches, I have come through with another 50,000+ words written, and my sanity mostly intact.

Well, we can’t have that, so of course I’m delving back into the madness that is is City of Bones.

Fun fact – this chapter was the first thing I ever sporked. It was for the group sporking over on the Das Sporking LiveJournal community, and I wrote that way back in September of 2012. Ah, I was so young and… well, not ‘innocent’, but at the very least I hadn’t spent so much time actively dissecting CC’s work, so at the very least I had less direct exposure its stupidity. Anyway, feel free to poke around over on Das Sporking when you’re done with this, and maybe compare this sporking to the earlier version.

But that’s enough shameless plugging, you guys came here to watch me rip this book apart. And I’ve had plenty of time to rest up, so let’s get on with it.

Last time on Draco the Demon Slayer:

After Jace demonstrated what a horrible, horrible person he is, Luke swooped in and stopped his pack from lynching Jace, which was I suppose was the smart political move, even if the little bastard deserved it. Luke then called Clary, because for some reason she’s the only person Jace will listen to (read: gave any indication of caring about her thoughts and feelings because he wanted to get in her pants). Clary decided to drag Simon along with her, for purely contrived reasons, as Simon served no purpose in the scene, other than to be a target for Jace’s racism. Clary and Luke managed to convince Jace to go back to the Institute, bringing the whole sub-plot about him leaving more or less to a close. And at the very end, we saw just why Simon had to be brought along, even though he had no reason to be there in the first place – so he could meet Maya, a young werewolf from Luke’s pack. And based on their one, brief interaction, there is way more chemistry between Simon and Maya than between either Clary and Simon or Clary and Jace.

Now, on to Chapter 3 – The Inquisitor. And just to get this out of the way now, the Inquisitor’s presence is most definitely not unexpected.

CC has mercifully decided to skip the trip from the Hunter’s Moon to the Institute. I’m sure that Jace would have made nasty comments about Luke’s truck, even though Luke is kind enough (read: Shadowhunter stooge) to give him a ride. Instead, we open with a quick description of the Institute, and how Clary’s gotten used to seeing through illusions. I’d say this was impressive, given that she couldn’t do that two weeks ago, but she is the author-avatar, so of course everything must come easy to her.

Luke is less than pleased to be here, which shouldn’t be surprising given that A) the people in charge of the place are basically former Nazis, and he’s basically a Jew, and B) Shadowhunters in general don’t have that great a relationship with Downworlders, and seem to have no desire to improve their relations with them.

Jace then demonstrates that, on top of being a horrible waste of skin, he’s also kind of an idiot, because he totally forgot that he didn’t have his keys. Now, I suppose I can sort of get that – I’ve accidentally left important things behind, like keys and my wallet, and only realized I didn’t have them until I needed them. But his reaction still bothers me, because instead of cursing or grumbling, he laughs about it. And I don’t care if it’s “without any mirth”, because he’s still laughing.

Luke’s too busy reminiscing to respond to this, though. Instead, he’s touching the stuff carved into the door frame, and CC uses this opportunity to show how educated she is by referring to it as the “architrave.”

You Keep Using That Word: 1

What the hell is an architrave, you ask? Well, dictionary.com defines it at “a molded or decorated band framing a panel or an opening, especially a rectangular one, as of a door or window.” Why CC couldn’t just call it the door frame, I don’t know.

Luke continues to reminisce, explaining that the doors look “just like the ones at the Council Hall in Idris” and that he “never though [he] would see their like again” Okay, and? Is there something special about them, like they were made by the same craftsmen? Or are they just a complete replica? Because I have to say, there’s a big difference between seeing the real thing, and seeing a replica.

Clary actually manages to be the sensible one, and asks how they’re going to get in. Now, a sensible person might point out any number of options available to them. Off the top of my head, I can think of two. First, call someone inside – Clary could easily get Isabelle’s phone number from Jace and tell her what’s up. Second (and I know this might sound crazy), try knocking – keep it up long enough and someone will come and check it out.

But of course either of those would be far too easy and mundane for CC. So instead, she has them do something really, really weird, and kind of stupid.

See, apparently there are special spells placed on Institutes or something that will unlock the door to any Shadowhunter who “[means] no harm to the inhabitants.”

And then for some reason Jace asks what would happen if the people inside are hostile to the people trying to enter, and Luke says that it probably doesn’t matter. Then Jace says that “the Clave always stacks the deck its way.”

What? Is he implying that that’s cheating? That, if someone inside wants to hurt him, then Jace should get some kind of warning? Because that’s not cheating – that’s just basic tactics. A trap doesn’t work all that well if the intended victim gets warned about it before hand. Or is it only unfair because Jace is on the receiving end this time?

Then again, this whole security system is kind of stupid anyway. Because what if a bad guy (like, say, Valentine) manages to get inside, and the people after him don’t have keys? While he might be trapped inside, the people outside still can’t get to him, because they’re his enemies. Or, what if a bad guy tricks someone else into opening the door for him? Hell, by this logic Valentine could have just walked right into the Institute in the last book – he didn’t actually want to hurt anyone inside, so why did Hodge have to open a portal to let him in?

Moving on. For some reason, Clary now notices that Jace hasn’t healed his incredibly minor injuries. Oh, but they’re to his face, so that automatically upgrades them to a major concern. All those werewolves he almost killed at the bar? Not important. The dead werewolf boy in the alley? Who cares. Jace has a black eye? CALL AN AMBULANCE!

Our “Heroes”: 1

Also, I’m giving it one of these

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

because as far as the narrative is concerned, his injuries are entirely cosmetic.

And here’s the part where I think CC demonstrates how far she’s come from her fan fic writing roots, i.e. not as far as she thinks. Take a look:

“Did she take your stele, too?”
“I didn’t take anything when I left,” Jace said. “I didn’t want to take anything the Lightwoods got for me.”
Luke looked at him with some concern. “Every Shadowhunter must have a stele.”

Question – why? Why must every Shadowhunter have a magic not-wand? Yes, they’re an important part of the Shadowhunter arsenal, and used to draw their magic tattoos, but if anything that makes them more of a crutch than an asset. Look at the first book – Simon managed to take down Abbadon on his own (because let’s face it, none of the ‘expert demon killers’ managed to accomplish a damn thing in that fight), and he was plain vanilla human. Adding a reliance on runes and whatnot is forcing them to follow the law of the instrument for no reason.

But of course, I think we can all figure out why this was here – because while CC might have filed off the serial numbers, she couldn’t get rid of everything from Harry Potter. And in the Potter-verse, wizards are pretty much helpless without their wands. The only difference is, a wizard’s wand isn’t a hammer – it’s a Swiss Army knife crossed with a multi-tool. But that’s not the case here – the Shadowhunters have a wide variety of tools at their disposal, and their not-wands are only a small part of that. But I guess since they’re the stand-in for HP wands, the characters have to act like these things are just that important.

Shoddy World Building: 1

Ugh. I’m spending too much time nitpicking the little things, when there are bigger problems to deal with.

So, Jace puts his hand on the door, and begins to recite what I guess is the Shadowhunter oath, asking to be let in, and then asking for divine assistance in his mission, but before he can actually say what that mission is, the doors open. Instead of being impressed by this, Jace – being Jace – decides to make a stupid joke about how easy it was.

Rapier Twit: 1

Ah, Jace’s ‘humor’. Not something I missed.

Anyway, Luke jumps in to explain what happened – see, the Angel

You Keep Using That Word: 2

(stop capitalizing that, damn it)

already “knows” what his mission is, so Jace doesn’t actually have to say it. Which just makes me wonder why he had to say anything in the first place.

Plot Hole: 1

And if you’re going to say that intent is the more important than the actual words, then Jace shouldn’t have been let in anyway. His whole little speech struck me as having about as much conviction behind it as a fifth grader reciting the Pledge of Allegiance – it’s just empty words. We know for a fact that Jace doesn’t believe in angels or God, so asking for something in their name doesn’t mean anything to him.

Plot Hole: 2

And again, since Valentine’s goals are only slightly more extreme than most Shadowhunters – and he is most certainly far more devout than his jackass spawn – what’s to stop him from waltzing into any Institute on the planet?

Plot Hole: 3

Gong back to what happened, this could be an interesting moment for Jace’s character – this could be viewed as a sign that all that angel-stuff he’d been taught might actually be true. It’d be a really subtle way to maybe lead him to developing some kind of faith.

But we all know that’s not going to happen, because Jace’s ego is only slightly better (and way more annoying) than Vegeta in this clip.

So instead, Jace just reacts to Luke calling him Jonathan by pouting, and the scene ends.

Okay, did that scene accomplish anything, apart from filling up a few pages? No. Which makes this whole scene (say it with me now)

Entirely Pointless: 1

And since the next scene begins literally two seconds later, we get another modified count. Since CC seems to break up scenes and chapters as if writing a script for a TV show, Random Scene Breaks will now be re-christened A Word from Our Sponsors.

A Word from Our Sponsors: 1

We pick up literally thirty seconds later, with Clary, Jace, and Luke having walked from the front door to the elevator. Luke makes a comment that the elevator (which is describes as looking like a “gilded birdcage”) must have been installed at Maryse’s behest, because it fits with her taste. Which really makes me wonder how the Lightwood’s being here is supposed to be a punishment, if they can get shit like fancy elevators installed.

Jace tells Luke that the elevator’s been in the Institute at least as long as he has, which doesn’t mean a damn thing, as the Lightwoods were living there for at least a good decade before he showed up, and has nothing to do with what Luke said in the first place, unless Jace is trying to imply that it’s always been there. Either way, his comment serves no purpose.

Entirely Pointless: 2

While riding the elevator, Clary thinks about Simon, and feels guilty about telling him to leave, but justifies it because “she couldn’t imagine having him— a mundane— here while Luke petitioned Maryse Lightwood on Jace’s behalf; it would just make everything awkward.” And I can sort of see that – given how Jace and Alec treated Simon in the last book, and that Maryse used to be part of the supernatural SS, she probably wouldn’t take too kindly to Simon’s presence. But do you see the critical thing that Clary doesn’t consider?

That she could have gone with Simon instead. Again, Clary is perfectly willing to abandon her best friend/possible-boyfriend in order to hang out with Jace. Because that’s where her priorities are now.

*Our “Heroes”: 2

Yes, I get that she felt obligated to talk to Jace at the Hunter’s Moon, but since he’s been convinced to go home and make nice, and Maryse Lightwood hasn’t even met Clary, there is literally no reason for Clary to be here.

They get off the elevator to find Church the cat waiting for them. Jace, in a rare display of empathy for another living being, pets the cat and asks where Maryse is. I’m starting to think that the only reason Church exists is to lead people around the Institute.

As they follow the cat (a good idea, considering it’s probably the smartest character in the scene), Luke continues to gawp at everything like a tourist. It’s again reiterated that he didn’t expect to be in an Institute again, and we learn that he’s been to both the London and Paris Institutes, but this one is “Colder.”

Well, that might have something to do with who’s in charge. Just sayin’.

Maryse is, of course, in the library. Because despite it’s supposed size, there’s really only a handful of actual locations in the Institute – the library, the armory, the bedrooms, the hospital, and the rooftop gardens. They hear people talking inside, and Jace (being a rude asshole) just opens the door and walks right in. The people inside are startled by his appearance, as is to be expected.

Then, for some reason, Clary thinks back to Hodge.

I guess it’s understandable, considering the library is where she saw him most of the time, but she knew him for less than a week. It’s not like she knew him for years and years, and thinks of that as his place.

Personal story – my grandmother passed away in 2012. Since then, there have been several times where I stayed at her house for a night or two, for various reasons. And even though it’s been over two years since her passing, I still think of it as being her house, and it still occasionally feels weird that she’s not there. In fact, in all this time, I’ve maybe gone into her bedroom once.

But again, Clary doesn’t have that kind of history with Hodge, and it’s even pointed out that the voice coming from the library isn’t Hodge. So there’s only one reason I can see to even bother mentioning him in the first place – to remind the readers that he existed.

Un-Logic: 1

Clary goes into the library, and we get something of a description of Maryse – she has her daughter’s hair, and her son’s build. So, not quite generation Xeroxing, but a little too close for my comfort.

But Maryse isn’t alone – Raphael is also in the library. For those of you who don’t remember, Raphael was the Latino vampire Jace tried to kill for no reason back in the first book. He immediately earns some of my respect by saying that Jace “[looks] as if a pack of wolves tried to tear [him] apart.”

And of course makes a quip about it, saying that Raphael either made a good guess, or has good informants.

Rapier Twit: 2

Dude, stop trying to ride the coattails of other people’s jokes. It never works. Oh, and Raphael confirms that it’s the latter, in case anyone’s interested.

And for some reason, Maryse has completely reversed her opinion of Jace; instead of being distant and hostile, she’s now oh-so concerned about him possibly being injured. And CC apparently decided to ret-con some things, because it seems Maryse was under the impression that Jace was going to stay with someone else, and didn’t actually kick him out. Way to make Jace look even more like a petulant child, CC.

Our “Heroes”: 3

Maryse then notices Clary and Luke, and asks who the heck they are. Clary says that she’s Jace’s sister, and Maryse immediately accepts this explanation, even saying that Clary looks a lot like Valentine. Even though everything we’ve seen indicates that she looks more like her mother than her father.

Plot Hole: 4

Maryse then turns her attention to Luke, and mistakenly assumes that he’s a mundane, but Luke quickly steps forward to correct that assumption. She takes a closer look, and finally recognizes him. Which just makes me wonder if she needs to see an eye doctor. I realize it’s probably been at least the better part of twenty years since they last saw each other, but unless his appearance has significantly changed since then, she should probably still recognize him.

And on this note, CC decides to end the scene.

A Word from Our Sponsors: 2

(I’m starting to think I should insert old commercials on Youtube every time one of those pops up. What do you guys think?)

That count is even more appropriate here, because the next scene literally picks up maybe half a second later. The break is only there so the scene ends of a dramatic note – you can practically hear CC going “dun dun duuuun.”

It seems that Luke’s sudden appearance caused Maryse’s brain to crash, and when she finally reboots, she identifies Luke by his old name, Lucian Graymark. This revelation causes Raphael to perk up, and he comments that Luke is the guy who killed Gabriel. Clary wonders who Gabriel is/was, because CC finally remembered that she’s actually there. Luke shrugs, and tells Raphael that, yes, he did kill Gabriel, as that’s how dominance of a werewolf pack gets passed on.

Unless you decide to just up and abandon your pack that is. And no, I am not going to let that go. Ever.

Raphael says that they need to talk, but decides that right now is clearly not the time for it, and Luke agrees to have his people arrange a meeting with Raphael’s. None of which we will ever get to see, because CC is far more interested in discussing Jace, Clary, and their bullshit drama instead of the legitimately interesting supernatural politics.

Raphael turns his attention to Maryse, and asks if they’re done. It seems he came to the Institute to tell Maryse that the vampires aren’t responsible for any of the mysterious deaths, and she agrees to take him at his word, at least for now.

Wait, she was actually doing her job? And acting like a professional? And treating the head of one of the major Downworlder factions with the respect he deserves?

Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS here is actually better at being a Shadwohunter than Jace, the primary male protagonist.

CC, did you honestly not realize how much of an immature, self-centered, racist brat this makes Jace look like?

What am I saying, of course you didn’t. Jace is pretty and has a “tragic” back story, so that excuses everything.

Anyway, Raphael makes a really, really dumb joke about Maryse using the phrase “come to light”

Rapier Twit: 3

and then disappears in a cloud of sparkly, purple prose. Seriously, I just said in maybe three words what takes CC the better part of a paragraph to explain. I get that she had a particular image in mind, but come the fuck on.

Clary freaks out at this sight, and asks if Raphael is dead, because she’s a moron. Jace explains that what they saw was an astral-projection of the vampire, which I’d think would have been fairly obvious.

No Shit Sherlock: 1

Clary then asks why Raphael couldn’t just come himself, and Maryse reminds her that the Institute is on holy ground, and Raphael is a vampire.

No Shit Sherlock: 2

You’d think that stuff like this would be seen as definitive proof of some kind of higher power, but no.

Look, CC, you can have supernatural stuff and still be vague about capital-G God. Just as an example, in the Highlander franchise, Immortals have a taboo about fighting on holy ground. It’s never actually explained why, though. It could be that there might be consequences if they do, or just a hold-over from their ore-immortality days (most of them are pretty old).

Anyway, Maryse makes a comment about Luke being the local werewolf alpha, which I think you guys need to see for yourselves:

“You, head of the pack here?” she asked. “I suppose I should hardly be surprised. It does seem to be your method, doesn’t it?”

I just… what does that mean? Yeah, this is the second time Luke’s become the leader of a pack of werewolves, but how is that a “method”? A method for what? Did CC accidentally remove the context for that statement while editing? Did no one notice that that statement makes no damn sense?

Moving on. Luke asks if Raphael was there because of the dead werewolf boy (oh, so now you give a damn about him?), and Maryse explains that a young warlock was killed a few days ago and drained of blood. Yeah, remember that idiot who was carving a circle in the floor back in the prologue? That kid.

Apparently Raphael figured that everyone would assume the vampires were behind it, and being a good leader, decided to head the kerfuffle off before things got out of hand. Which kinda makes me wonder how long these chuckleheads spent in the back room of the Hunter’s Moon, if Raphael had enough time to learn about the dead werewolf and contact Maryse before Luke, Jace, and Clary could get back to the Institute. I know that traffic in New York can suck, but come on.

Oh, and this whole time Maryse has been calling vampires “the Night Children”, because that doesn’t sound totally pretentious and stuck-up at all.

You Keep Using That Word: 3

Double because she’s done it twice. It’s like the reverse of Atomic Robo – they’re vampires in every respect, but for some reason we won’t call them that.

Jace asks if Maryse believes Raphael, but she says she isn’t going to discuss official Shadowhunter business with him, and especially not with Luke present. Although she continues to call him Lucian, prompting Luke to correct her.

Maryse says that Luke looks like a mundane now, he points out that that’s kinda what he was going for, there’s a bit about everyone believing he was dead, and then they finally get to the reason why they’re all here. Jace wants to prove his innocence re: Valentine, and Luke is willing to vouch for him. Maryse says she doesn’t trust Luke’s word, which is either incredibly racist or hypocritical of her. Either way, it once again makes me wonder why she’s here, and not spending the rest of her days on the Shadowhunter equivalent of Saint Helena.

Luke ignores the implications of her comment, saying that he’s still a Shadowhunter. Which again reminds me of how appropriate the Uncle Tom’s Cabin comment from waaay back in chapter two of the first book is. Luke even says he’s willing to by “tried by the Sword” to prove his sincerity.

You Keep Using That Word: 4

Clary once again pipes up to serve the only real reason she’s here – to provide a convenient excuse for having everyone explain things that they know, but the audience doesn’t. But instead of just asking what Luke’s talking about, she looks over at Jace for… some reason.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Jace explains what you’ve probably already figured out – the Sword Luke’s referring to is the Soul-Sword, the second of the bafflingly named Mortal Instruments. Unfortunately, trial by Sword is not some kind of awesome duel. The Sword’s special power is that it can be used to determine whether or not someone is lying.

And I have to say, that’s a pretty lame power for a sword. I mean, most magical swords at least have something that makes them useful in a fight. But that’s not all – we’ll get to how it’s doubly useless in a moment.

Maryse gets huffy, saying that Luke totally isn’t a Shadowhunter, and he’s ignored the Clave’s rules. Luke shoots back that she did the exact same thing, and that she really should have let this crap go by now.

And here we get to why Maryse is so damn bitter: way back in her Death Eater Circle days, Valentine managed to convince all of his followers that he was just as dedicated to the group as they were, and that the Putsch Uprising would be super easy – just a few unarmed ambassadors, nothing to worry about. But both Jocelyn and Luke knew that there’d be about five hundred armed Downworlders there, and that they should have warned the Circle.

Luke rightly points out that he tried to tell them Valentine was nuts, but that’s not what Maryse is upset about – no, she’s mad that Luke and Jocelyn let them walk right into a slaughter. Again, Luke points out that Maryse and the others were all gung-ho to kill unarmed ambassadors, so it’s not his fault.

Then Maryse goes into this whole spiel about how Valentine wasn’t there, and they all thought he was dead, and the only reason she didn’t lay down her life right then and there was because of little baby Alec.

Yeah, I’m sure I’m supposed to feel sorry for Maryse, or think that this somehow demonstrates what a good mother she is, or some shit, but I just can’t get past the fact that she was a member of a radical, racist organization intent on committing genocide. It’s gonna take a hell of a lot more than her going “oh, my poor baby” to get me on her side.

Luke tells her she made the right decision, which sets Maryse off again, because, again, she’s convinced that the whole thing is Luke’s fault, and I’m really starting to doubt that she’s as reformed as she claims to be. Seriously, why isn’t she locked up?

But Clary finally decides to actually participate in the scene, and comes to Luke’s defense, saying that it’s Maryse’s own damn fault for trusting Valentine in the first place.

And now we get to the critical flaw with the Soul-Sword. Maryse starts talking about how the members of the Circle were interrogated, and she mentions that the Sword would only tell if they were lying, but not to actually tell the truth. Meaning that the Über-awesome magical sword… can be defeated by just not saying anything.

Shoddy World Building: 2

The problems with the Shadowhunter justice system are starting to make sense now.

The authorities finally managed to get the surviving members of the Circle to talk by revealing that, not only did Valentine not die in the Putsch Uprising, he was never there to begin with. And when the Circle members start talking amongst themselves, they find out that he told each of them that they were the one he trusted the most. My, how very devious of him – using the same methods as any parent with more than one child.

Seriously, how were these morons ever a threat?

Jace then makes a snide comment about hell and scorned women, because he’s an ass.

Rapier Twit: 4

And somehow Maryse came to the conclusion that everything Valentine’s done – faking his death (twice), sending Jace to live with the Lightwoods, etc. – has been part of some elaborate plan of his to get the Mortal Cup, and that’s why she can’t trust Jace.

I probably shouldn’t have to explain who utterly insane that is, but I will anyway, because that’s what I’m here for.

I mean, how many utterly contrived coincidences had to occur for this “plan” to work out as it has? Let’s see: the Lightwoods had to survive, instead of laying down their lives like the fanatics they were/are; they had to end up being assigned to New York, instead of being locked up or executed; Jocelyn (who actually had the Cup, remember) had to come to New York, rather than literally anywhere else on the planet; Jace had to get sent to live with the Lightwoods, rather than being sent off to some relative of the real Michael Wayland or sucked into Shadowhunter child services. And that doesn’t even bring in Hodge and the possibility that he might have decided to switch sides.

And if just one of those things didn’t happen, none of this would be going on now. Look, I can maybe buy Valentine as a master of Xanatos speed chess, but he is not this great, Machiavellian schemer.

Then again, maybe they just think that because he’s the only person in this whole book with any ability to plan ahead.

Luke asks what Maryse thought Jace would go after leaving the Institute, and she starts to say that she figured he’d stay with Clary, what with them being siblings, only for Clary to once again pipe up and give a little speech about how the Lightwood kids are more Jace’s family than she is. Which I would totally buy, except for Jace being just as much of an ass to them as he was to pretty much everyone else.

Maybe CC just thinks that’s how family treats each other.

Oh, and Clary says that Alec, Isabelle, and Max will totally hate Maryse for ever and ever if she kicks Jace out. Maryse asks just how Clary came to that conclusion, and here’s her response:

“I know Alec and Isabelle,” said Clary. […] “Family is more than blood . Valentine isn’t my father. Luke is. Just like Alec and Max and Isabelle are Jace’s family. If you try to tear him out of your family, you’ll leave a wound that won’t ever heal.”

Really? After knowing them for maybe a week, Clary somehow knows Alec and Isabelle better than their own mother? Bullshit. Isabelle was constantly being slut-shamed for daring to be more attractive than Clary, and Alec was either an elitist douche or being a Clingy Jealous Guy over Jace. Yeah, they’d probably be angry with their mother, but they might get over it once she explained her actions.

Because as much as I may believe that Maryse is being stupid regarding Valentine’s “plotting”, she did make a smart decision by kicking Jace out – she has no reason to believe that he’s not still working for Valentine, and neither do her kids. While she might still care for Jace, she can’t be sure that he won’t use those feelings against her, so she did the only thing she could to ensure that he wouldn’t threaten her or her family.

But because she’s doing this to Jace, I’m supposed to view her as being in the wrong. She’s clearly just confused, and once everything’s explained, she’ll welcome Jace back with open arms. Hell, she’ll probably ask him to forgive her.

And as much as I can get behind family not being about genetics, that doesn’t quite apply here. Yes, Jace has spent the last several years living with the Lightwoods. But unlike Clary, he actually was raised by Valentine, and clearly thought of him as his father, as demonstrated in the last book. Jace wasn’t brainwashed, or under some kind of spell, or tricked in any way – he willingly and eagerly worked with Valentine. That alone makes him worthy of suspicion.

To my surprise, Jace actually steps in to tell Clary to back down. Then Clary, using information she’s only just learned, comes up with a solution which should have been obvious to any of the other people in the room – use the magic lie-detecting sword on Jace.

Jace is totally in favor of this, and says to call the Inquisitor right now, because he’s an impatient little shit. Luke is against this for… reasons, but Maryse says that the Inquisitor is already coming, hence my earlier joke.

Luke gets indignant, asking Maryse if she sent for the Inquisitor, but Maryse (again being the smartest person in the room, which isn’t saying much) points out that, given everything that happened in the last book, it only makes sense that the Clave would send someone to look into things. And of course Maryse was all worried about what would happen to Jace, mentioning punishments such as prison time or taking away his Marks.

You Keep Using That Word: 5

I’m not seeing how the latter is much of a punishment, considering Jocelyn was doing just fine without them. Wait, it would mean having to live as a filthy mundane, which is just the worst-est thing ever.

I can see how jail time would be bad for Jace, though – he’d end up being someone’s bitch in five minutes.

Clary, once again in “ask stupid question” mode, asks who the Inquisitor is, as all she can think of is the Spanish Inquisition. You’d think that knowledge and some context clues would have been enough, but she actually needed someone to explain to her that Valentine was her father, so she needs all the help she can get.

Basically, the Inquisitor is Shadowhunter Internal Affairs. She’s the one responsible for the Lightwoods being sent to New York, and Hodge being on magically-enforced house arrest, and supposedly, “has no love for [the Lightwoods], and hates [Valentine].”

Yeah, I’m sure CC wants me to think the Inquisitor is a horrible person, but given the Lightwoods’ former position in the Circle? I think she’s was being pretty damn lenient – if it’d been me, I would have had all the members of the Circle executed, or at least put under lock-down, and not in a comfy Institute.

Despite all the “evidence” of how terrifying the Inquisitor is, Jace demonstrates actual heroism, deciding to stay and face the Inquisitor, pointing out that the Lightwoods will be punished if he’s gone. And Luke has suddenly changed his mind, supporting Jace’s decision. Clary, for equally indiscernible reasons, has reversed her position, and wants Jace to leave. CC again fails at establishing a good villain/antagonist, as Clary is the only one who is in any way intimidated by the Inquisitor.

But Luke points out that, if Jace couldn’t be a Shadowhunter any more, which would just be terrible. I guess. I mean, Jace wouldn’t have any actual authority to back him, so he wouldn’t be able to get away with treating Downworlders and mundanes like shit… which would be… yeah.

Whatever. Then we get this baffling exchange:

“He does have something on his side, something the members of the Circle did not have after the Uprising.”
“And what’s that?” Maryse asked.
Luke smiled faintly. “Unlike you,” he said, “Jace is telling the truth.”

What? Was there ever the implication that the members of the Circle lied about anything? They refused to answer questions or cooperate, but that’s not the same thing. Now, if Luke had said that Jace would be cooperating, that would make sense. But as is? No, that doesn’t work. Again, this feels like something left in from a previous draft.

Maryse gets a bit huffy at Luke’s comment, but accepts that Jace is a big boy now, and if he wants to stay, then he can stay.

Clary stares at Jace for a few sentences, and the chapter ends with her thinking that he looks a lot like Valentine. Most people would consider looking like a psychotic, genocidal zealot to be a bad thing, but given who wrote this, it’s hard to tell.

So we see that CC’s tendency to give chapters titles with next to nothing to do with their content continues. Yes, the Inquisitor is discussed, but it’s not as if she’s the major topic of the chapter. I’m not even sure this chapter had a major topic. Part of it’s focused on Jace and Maryse; part of it’s focused on Luke and Maryse; and the first, what, third of it is just filler.

Really, this chapter exists solely to return things to the status quo from the end of the last book – Jace is at the Institute, Clary is still hanging around for some reason, and Valentine is still being vaguely yet ineffectually evil. Which makes pretty much makes all three chapters of this sub-plot

Entirely Pointless: 5

That’s one point per chapter. Almost nothing that has happened in these chapters will be of any importance for the rest of the book, and what did could easily have been incorporated elsewhere.

We’re now at the 15% mark. Chapter one began at the 3% mark. That means that over a tenth of this book could have been cut, and almost nothing would have been lost.

I had hoped to get this out sooner, A) I kept getting distracted by other stuff, and B) there’s just so much here that needed discussing. With the holidays coming up, I doubt I’ll be able to get another one of these done before the new year, but I will try to get back on some kind of schedule with this stuff. I don’t want this one to take over a year to finish, too.

Counts

Entirely Pointless: 5 (Total: 18)
Un-Logic: 1 (Total: 15)
You Keep Using That Word: 5 (Total: 20)
Shoddy World Building: 2 (Total: 8)
Rapier Twit: 4 (Total: 13)
Our “Heroes”: 3 (Total: 23)
No Shit Sherlock: 2 (Total: 4)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 2 (Total: 12)
A Word from Our Sponsors: 2

Comment [9]

Hello all, and welcome back. It hasn’t been nearly as long since the last entry, but just in case you forgot, here’s what happened in the last chapter:

Jace returned to the Institute, and the status quo was restored. We got a brief glimpse of an interesting plot, which was quickly escorted off the premises in a sparkly haze of purple prose. We learned a bit more about the back-story of the Lightwoods, namely that they actually took part in Valentine’s grab for power, making their punishment (or rather, lack thereof) all the more puzzling. Maryse Lightwood blames Luke for their failure, because apparently he, the recently-made werewolf, was supposed to be loyal to the genocidal psychopath and his cult of morons.

In current events, the Inquisitor is coming, and we’re supposed to frightened by this. Given CC’s previous attempts at writing villains, you can imagine how well that’s gone. She’s on her way to investigate the events of the previous book, which is a surprising demonstration of competence on the Shadowhunters’ part. Of course, this means questioning Jace about his loyalties, which is, of course, bad. But Jace, for once being smart and acting like an adult, has decided to stay and face the Inquisitor, rather than run, even agreeing to be “tried by the Sword”, meaning being subjected to the Soul-Sword, the second Mortal Instrument, which for some stupid reason also acts as a lie detector. Honestly, while it sounds cooler, it’s probably much lamer than trial by stone.

We begin chapter four with Simon and Clary poking around in Luke’s fridge.

“Orange juice, molasses, eggs— weeks past their sell-by date, though— and something that looks kind of like lettuce.”
“Lettuce?” Clary peered over Simon’s shoulder into the fridge. “Oh. That’s some mozzarella.”
Simon shuddered and kicked Luke’s fridge door shut. “Order pizza?”

Wow, that’s… actually not that bad. I kind of have to wonder why CC gave Luke the bachelor pad fridge, but aside from that, it works.

Luke walks in and tells them he already ordered pizza. He also called the hospital for an update on Jocelyn, but nothing’s changed.

We get a quick description of Luke’s kitchen, and learn that Clary feels guilty for not helping clean up, but just hasn’t felt up to it. I’d count this as another Our “Heroes”, but given what she’s gone through in the past few weeks, I’m willing to let it slide. Admittedly, I’d be more lenient if Clary had shown any real concern for her mother in the last book, but I’m feeling generous.

We’re also told the Luke doesn’t cook much, with CC citing Luke’s spice rack being used to hold coffee and tea as proof. Given the green mozzarella and way-out-of-date eggs, I’d already figured that out, CC. Compared to that, the thing with the spice rack is pretty minor.

They talk a bit about Jocelyn still being in a coma, with Clary saying she’s somehow concluded her mom hasn’t woken up because she’s waiting for/missing someone or something. I have no idea how she reached that conclusion, but given that she glances over at Luke when she says it, I’m sure CC intended it to be subtle foreshadowing.

The conversation then turns to the events of the previous chapter, and Luke graciously corrects me on my mistake. See, Jace didn’t decide to stay and face the Inquisitor out of any sense of responsibility or conviction. No, he chose to stay because otherwise he can’t be a Shadowhunter, and that’s the most important thing to him. So yeah, he’s only staying because it’s the only way he gets to beat up and kill things without having to worry about getting in trouble. We also learn that Maryse’s name is apparently pronounced “May-ris” for some reason, and that “It’s an old Shadowhunter name.”

I actually took the time to look the name up, and it is French, so it would work with where Shadowhunter-land is supposed to be. You win this round, CC.

The doorbell rings, and Luke goes to answer it, and Simon starts talking about Luke. He says he can grasp the concept of Luke being a werewolf (they’re a “known element”, as he puts it), but not as an ex-Shadowhunter, and compares the whole group to a cult. Clary, of course, objects to this, and Simon says something so awesome I think you should all see it for yourselves:

“Sure they are. Shadowhunting is their whole lives. And they look down on everyone else. They call us mundanes. Like they’re not human beings. They’re not friends with ordinary people, they don’t go to the same places, they don’t know the same jokes, they think they’re above us.”

I know I might be over-using those two, but it makes me so happy when a character says or does something like this. I’m sure that CC intended her readers to disagree with Simon, but like many a Scary Sue, he’s actually right – from what we’ve seen, the Shadowhunters do look down on everyone who isn’t them. They don’t interact with normal humans if they can help it, and despite their claims to the contrary, they don’t consider themselves to be the same as other humans.

But apparently CC realized that she’d accidentally lost control of Simon, because he suddenly brings up his meeting Maia at the bar. And yes, it is just as jarring as it sounds.

Luke pops back in with the pizza before Clary can get jealous, though, and we learn a bit more about Maia – she’s part of Luke’s pack, has been helping out at Luke’s book store while he’s been at the hospital, and that she’s been taking payment in books.

Simon, drop Clary right now and hook up with Maia. I’m not kidding.

Luke’s method of payment somehow leads to Clary talking about her mom “selling her father’s stocks” for money, and Luke quickly explains that Jocelyn was actually selling jewelry that Valentine gave her, many of which were family heirlooms. Simon comments that he hoped Jocelyn got some enjoyment from it, and then grabbing a slice of pizza. The fact that it’s his third prompts gets this reaction from Clary:

It was truly amazing, Clary thought, how much teenage boys were able to eat without ever gaining weight or making themselves sick.

And to which I respond with this:

Entirely Pointless: 2

One for the whole conversation about where Jocelyn got money, and another for the quote above. Also, it might just be me, but I’m detecting a slight whiff of jealousy on CC’s part.

We then move on to something pertinent – namely, Luke encountering Maryse again. Luke says the Maryse hasn’t changed all that much, and that “she’s more like herself than ever.” Which to me implies that she’s still just as much of a genocidal racist as ever, further making me wonder why she’s been given the amount of free rein she’s clearly been given.

Clary then asks if Luke thinks the Lightwoods really hoped he was dead. Luke says probably not (I beg to differ), and goes on to say that, from their perspective, he complicates things. I’ll let him explain:

“That I’m not just alive but am leading the downtown pack can’t be something they’d hoped for. It’s their job, after all, to keep the peace between Downworlders— and here I come, with a history with them and plenty of reason to want revenge. They’ll be worried I’m a wild card.”

There’s two issues I have with this: first, I question the commitment the Shadowhunters have to keeping the peace. Yes, Maryse did seem to care, but as I’ve already mentioned, Jace clearly doesn’t, and will never be punished for agitating things. Second, as I mentioned back in part two of chapter two, Luke is the Downworlder Vidkun Quisling – he’s about as far from being a ‘wild card’ as possible.

And Luke more or less confirms my conjecture, but refers to himself as being “Middle-aged.” I’m willing to go along with this, until Simon once again acts as the voice of reason, and points out that thirty-eight is not middle-aged. Luke thanks him for saying so, and then comments that Simon ate the entire pizza, and Simon protests that he only ate five slices.

Given that they started eating about a page ago, I can imagine only three possible explanations for how this has happened:

A) The pizza was really small.

B) Simon almost literally inhaled each slice.

C) CC sucks at demonstrating the passage of time.

As the entire conversation seems to have taken maybe five minutes, I’m going with C.

However, this does lead into this exchange, which is actually kind of amusing:

“Does this mean you’re going to wolf out and eat me?”
“Certainly not.” Luke rose to toss the pizza box into the trash. “You would be stringy and hard to digest.”
“But kosher,” Simon pointed out cheerfully.
“I’ll be sure to point any Jewish lycanthropes your way .”

It’s not exactly “ha-ha” funny, but it’s leagues better than anything coming out of Jace’s mouth.

Luke moves the conversation back to meeting with Maryse, and says that it wasn’t Maryse that made it weird, it was being around Shadowhunter magic* again. Apparently Luke’s spent a lot of time trying to forget that stuff, but it’s been hard. I imagine it’s kind of like a recovering alcoholic walking around a liquor store.

*(And yes, I’m calling it magic – if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, don’t tell me it’s an iguana.)

This leads Clary into saying that she wants to get some magic Shadowhunter tattoos. Simon is, understandably, incredulous. Here’s Clary’s rationale:

“No, I’m not. Why would I joke about something like that? And why shouldn’t I get Marks? I’m a Shadowhunter. I might as well go for what protection I can get.”

See, here’s the thing, Clary – you’re not a Shadowhunter, at least not in any way that really counts. I’d like to think that there’s a lot of training involved, and while you managed to acquit yourself reasonably well in a fight or two in the last book, one of those was sheer dumb luck (and you still ended up flat on your ass), and the second time was flat-out authorial intervention. Every other time you were in the vicinity of violence, you were about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

Hell, you’ve barely had any real experience with the supernatural in the first place. The last book took place over maybe a week, tops, so she’s known about all this stuff for maybe two weeks. There’s more time between your periods than the beginning of the last book and now.

This reeks of two things: either CC once again forgetting her own timeline, or Clary wanting to distance herself from humanity as much as possible. She’s just like Bella Swan – she’s learned about a secret group that looks down on humanity, and is perfectly willing to abandon her normal life to join up.

Simon says he thought Clary was done with all the Shadowhunter crap, and just wanted to go back to living a normal life, which prompts Luke to reply that he’s “not sure there’s such a thing as a normal life.”

I don’t know, dude – you seemed to be making a pretty decent go of it for a while there. You’ve already demonstrated that you don’t give a shit about leading a pack of werewolves, so why not give it another chance?

Clary looks at the Mark Jace gave her

You Keep Using That Word: 1

(stupid fucking capitalization)

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

(just for spite)

and we come to yet another bit that I just can’t quite sum up:

“Sure, I want to get away from the weirdness. But what if the weirdness comes after me? What if I don’t have a choice?”
“Or maybe you don’t want to get away from the weirdness that badly,” Simon muttered. “Not as long as Jace is still involved with it, anyway.”

DING-DING-DING! WE HAVE A WINNER!

Much like the aforementioned Ms. Swan, the Designated Love Interest is a large motivating factor for Ms. Frey. And while she hasn’t been quite as insistent on joining the Shadowhunters as Bella was coughflighttoItalycough, I think the added incest balances it out.

Since CC once again can’t come up with a way to refute that argument, she once again shifts the conversation away from the topic. This time, Luke pipes up, informing us that most would-be Shadowhunters go through quite a bit of training before even getting their first magic tattoo,

You Keep Using That Word: 2

(because he uses that word again)

but despite Clary having absolutely no training at all, he’s going to give her “Something every Shadowhunter should have.”

God, I’m really starting to hate that idea.

So CC once again does what she’s known for – shamelessly ripping off something from a much better bit of media. This time though, she steals from Star Wars. Yep, Luke just so happens to have Jocelyn’s old magic drawing stick, which he now gives to Clary. And here’s her reaction:

“Pretty,” said Clary.

Our “Heroes”: 1

Look, I know Luke Skywalker did some stupid shit when he first got his lightsaber, but at least that thing came with a fucking off switch. This is the equivalent of buying a car and giving the keys to a kid who just got their learner’s permit. Does this Luke honestly believe that Clary isn’t going to play around with that thing? Nothing good can come of this.

Clary takes the magic not-wand and starts waving it around like the idiot she is, Simon compares it to when his grandfather gave him a set of golf clubs which he’s never used, Clary totally misses the point of the comparison, and the scene ends.

The next scene is from Jace’s POV. And it begins with a dream.

… do we really have to do this? We do? Fine.

So, Jace is having a dream/flashback thing. Valentine’s been treating Jace’s skin like a two-year-old with a marker treats a blank wall, and now there’s black smoke and shit coming from the magic tattoos.

Wait, actual evidence of a downside to these things? Amazing! Let’s see how long it takes CC to completely forget this.

The tip of Valentine’s magic drawing stick is glowing read, which combined with the end of the last scene makes me think CC was watching a bit too much of Star Wars when she wrote this bit. He tells Jace that “pain is only what you allow it to be,” and then proceeds to start breaking bones in Jace’s hand, and the nightmare ends.

Okay, as much as I despise Jace, that right there? Not okay. And if that’s something Valentine did on a regular basis, it just makes me wonder why Jace would ever defend the bastard. I understand that victims of abuse will often excuse the terrible behavior of their abuser. However, when you’ve been removed from that kind of thing for years, and part of said abuse includes breaking the victim’s bones for shits and giggles, there is no defense for that.

But what makes this worse is that I’m 90% certain that CC only included that bit to elicit sympathy for Jace. Unfortunately in this case, it’s not working. Yes, Jace might be the victim of an abusive, genocidal, fundamentalist psychopath, but that doesn’t excuse his own horrible behavior. Jace is still a Joffery in desperate need of a Tyrion.

(I love that clip)

Or at leas a Tywin.

So anyway, Jace wakes up and realizes that the snapping sound from his dream is actually someone knocking at his door. How anyone could confuse the two, even when unconscious, I don’t know.

He gets out of bed, and we find out that he didn’t change out of his clothes before falling asleep.

He’d fallen asleep in his clothes and he looked down at his wrinkled shirt in distaste. He probably still smelled like wolf. And he ached all over.

Our “Heroes”: 2

Ah, casual racism is such an attractive trait.

Jace answers the door, and Alec is waiting for him, and says that Maryse wants to see him in the library. Jace mentions that he went by Alec’s room earlier, but he wasn’t there. Alec responds that he was “out” and doesn’t elaborate further. Jace agrees to go, but wants to put on a clean shirt first, which makes sense, because “in some places it was stuck to his skin with dried blood.”

Wait a second…

[goes and checks previous sporking]

Okay, I’m calling bullshit on that, CC. Back in chapter two, you said he only had a few cuts a bruises, which I doubt would bleed that much. Jace didn’t seem all that bothered by them, so why bring them up now? And if Jace was that injured, why didn’t anyone deal with the injuries? And don’t try to tell me that he somehow suppressed or ignored them, because despite what Patrick Swayze said in Roadhouse, pain does, in fact, hurt. That’s kind of the point – pain is the body’s way of telling you “something is wrong”.

But I’m digressing. Alec asks what happened, and Jace explains that he started a fight with a bunch of werewolves. I note that he provides almost no real details (like, say, the dead werewolf boy that he completely disregarded), or that he beat half of them to death, as well as Alec not seeming to give a shit or ask why Jace would do a stupid thing like that.

No, instead we get Jace noticing what looks like a bite mark on Alec’s neck and Alec being defensive and secretive about it (read: acting like a teen in a sit-com). Because this is what CC considers humor.

Rapier Twit: 1

I’m just going to save you guys some time wondering (in this case, about five seconds), and reveal the blatantly obvious: Alec has a hicky. And given that there’s only one other character in this series who isn’t straight, and CC sure as hell isn’t going to add another character just for funzies, Alec obviously got it making out with Magnus Bane.

Moving on, Alec starts telling Jace about how things seem to stand – Alec might not have any doubts about Jace’s loyalties, but the fact that Valentine is his father and he never mentioned it has raised some doubts. Which is entirely rational. But since Jace is a petulant little child, he doesn’t believe Alec. Alec then tries to calm Jace down, while also giving some advice:

“I’m just saying.” Alec’s tone was placating. “You can be a little— harsh sometimes. Just think before you talk, that’s all I’m asking. No one’s your enemy here, Jace.”

That’s a lot nicer than I would have put it, but then all the feelings I’ve had toward Jace are seething hatred.

Jace doesn’t respond well to Alec telling him that he’s not quite as kind and loveable as he might think, and storms off.

Jace once again storms into the library without knocking, because I guess manners are for people other than him. We’re informed that the library is Jace’s favorite place, which I rather doubt given how little interest he seems to have in anything not pertaining to killing things or reminding him how awesome he is.

And just like last chapter, Jace immediately thinks of Hodge. I’ll forgive it in this case, as Jace has lived there for several years, and thus closely associates the library with Hodge. Still, I can’t help but think that CC completely forgot that she’d already done this exact same thing in the previous chapter.

The library is dark, but Jace soon realizes that someone else is already there – the Inquisitor. Why she’s sitting there in the dark, I have no idea. Maybe to make her reveal in the adaptation more dramatic.

Un-Logic: 1

We’re given a paragraph description of the Inquisitor which isn’t bad, and she asks if he’s “the boy.” Before he can answer, Maryse shows up and confirms Jace’s identity, but refers to him by his real name, rather than the one he’s been using his whole life. The Inquisitor makes Jace look her in the eye, and then tells him to call her by her title. After briefly reflecting on his prior beliefs regarding the Inquisitor, Jace now thinks of her as being “direct” and “hostile.”

What, did you think she’d coddle you? You’re suspected of secretly working with your father, who is basically Hitler. Personally, I think the fact that the Inquisitor hasn’t dragged you off and started in with the hot pokers and water-boarding shows an immense amount of restraint.

But despite picking up on these not-at-all subtle clues, Jace decides to do possibly the stupidest thing possible in this situation. In fact, I’m going to give you the entire exchange, so you can see it for yourselves:

“My name is Jace,” he said. “Not boy. Jace Wayland.”
“You have no right to the name of Wayland,” she said. “You are Jonathan Morgenstern. To claim the name of Wayland makes you a liar. Just like your father.”
“Actually,” said Jace, “I prefer to think that I’m a liar in a way that’s uniquely my own.”

This is indicative of their conversation for this whole scene – the Inquisitor will say something true or accurate (at least from her perspective), and Jace will mouth off to her, probably in an attempt to show how “badass” he is. Apparently he doesn’t understand that antagonizing the cops is a bad idea.

Quick pit of record keeping before moving on.

Our “Heroes”: 3

Why am I supposed to like this twit again?

Rapier Twit: 2

CC, this is not the time to have Jace cracking jokes. I’m honestly surprised Maryse doesn’t smack him upside the head.

Oh, but then we get something wonderful. Something glorious. Sorry to do this again so soon, but mere words can’t properly convey how amazing the Inquisitor’s response is.

“I see.” A small smile curved her pale mouth. It was not a nice smile. “You are intolerant of authority, just as your father was. Like the angel whose name you both bear.” Her fingers gripped his chin with a sudden ferocity, her nails digging in painfully. “Lucifer was rewarded for his rebellion when God cast him into the pits of hell.” Her breath was sour as vinegar. “If you defy my authority, I can promise that you will envy him his fate.”

God, it is so wonderful to not only have another character who not only doesn’t kowtow to Jace, but actively refuses to put up with his bullshit, but to have them be a Shadowhunter, and a high ranking one at that? Glorious. Simply glorious.

The Inquisitor lets Jace go, and he’s so pissed he clenches his fists so hard he draws blood, but for once he actually keeps his damn mouth shut.

CC remembers Maryse is in the scene, because she tells the Inquisitor that Jace agreed to face the magic lie-detecting sword, and accidentally let’s the Inquisitor’s real name slip (Imogen Herondale, if you’re interested). The Inquisitor says she already knows, and then turns her ire on Mrs. Lightwood. Let’s watch, shall we?

“You know, Maryse, the Clave is not pleased with you. You and Robert are the guardians of the Institute. You’re just lucky your record over the years has been relatively clean. Few demonic disturbances until recently, and everything’s been quiet the past few days. No reports, even from Idris, so the Clave is feeling lenient. We have sometimes wondered if you’d actually rescinded your allegiance to Valentine. As it is, he set a trap for you and you fell right into it. One might think you’d know better.”

It’s like someone pointed out the logical flaws in the last book. Now if only CC hadn’t decided to make the character spouting them into an obvious secondary villain, then this would be a major step in the right direction.

Jace insists that there’s no trap, and that Valentine convinced him he was Michael Wayland’s son so the Lightwoods would take him in. Of course, this doesn’t explain why Valentine faked his death the second time, but since when has this series been about making sense?

Un-Logic: 2

Retro-active? Maybe, but I don’t care.

Then the Inquisitor more or less gives us a title-drop, and again I think you guys need to see the whole conversation:

The Inquisitor stared at him as if he were a talking cockroach . “Do you know about the cuckoo bird, Jonathan Morgenstern?”
Jace wondered if perhaps being the Inquisitor— it couldn’t be a pleasant job— had left Imogen Herondale a little unhinged. “The what?”
“The cuckoo bird,” she said. “You see, cuckoos are parasites. They lay their eggs in other birds’ nests. When the egg hatches, the baby cuckoo pushes the other baby birds out of the nest. The poor parent birds work themselves to death trying to find enough food to feed the enormous cuckoo child who has murdered their babies and taken their places.”
“Enormous?” said Jace. “Did you just call me fat?”
“It was an analogy.”
“I am not fat.”

I can actually see the Inquisitor suppressing the urge to facepalm. And honestly, I’m not sure who deserves to be slapped the most – Jace for saying that stupid line, CC for writing it, or everyone involved in the revision process for not pointing out how the “joke” completely destroys any tension that’s been built up.

Rapier Twit: 4

One for Jace, and one for CC.

Maryse decides to once again remind us that she’s here by getting indignant at the implied pity in the Inquisitor’s analogy, and then points out that she and her husband were entirely honest about what they were doing with Jace (at least to their knowledge), and thus shouldn’t be punished. I’m a bit iffy on that, considering that neither of the Lightwood parents seemed to notice that Jace looks a hell of a lot like Valentine, and they never showed Jace a photo of Michael Wayland (or even the whole Circle) to see if he could identify his father. I’m just saying they were a bit too willing to take Jace at his word, is all.

Jace points out that he’s never done anything to hurt the Lightwoods (unless you count leading their kids into a life-threatening situation with no backup, of course), and that as horrible a person as Valentine is, he did make Jace a good Shadowhunter (by which I assume he means “really good at killing things”).

And then we get yet another bit of what I’m sure CC considers “witty repartee”:

“Don’t defend your father to me,” the Inquisitor said. “I knew him. He was—is— the vilest of men.”
“Vile? Who says ‘vile’? What does that even mean?”

Rapier Twit: 5

God, Jace, just shut up.

And you know what would be a good thing for the Inquisitor to bring up right now? Something demonstrating just how poorly suited Jace actually is for being a Shadowhunter, and that – beyond killing things – he’s just a liability for the organization?

THAT WHOLE INCIDENT AT THE BEGINNING OF CHAPTER TWO! You know, where he antagonized a bunch of werewolves (who let’s not forget lost several prominent members trying to rescue his ungrateful ass) and then proceeded to beat the crap out of them, all because he his widdle feewings got hurt. And it being a week after renewing the alleged peace treaty between the Shadowhunters and Downworlders.

But no, we can’t actually bring that up, because that might make Jace look bad, and that he might have to face actual consequences for his actions, and we can’t have that!

Instead, the Inquisitor (in a what I consider a display of near saintly control) just says this:

“You are arrogant,” she said at last. “As well as intolerant. Did your father teach you to behave this way?”

Jace replies that the only person he doesn’t mouth off to is his father (yeah, I know), and the Inquisitor basically says that Jace is exactly like Valentine, which leads to a nice long bit from Jace which apparently over 1400 thought was so good it needed to be highlighted:

“Yes,” Jace said, unable to help himself, “I was trained to be an evil mastermind from a young age. Pulling the wings off flies, poisoning the earth’s water supply— I was covering that stuff in kindergarten . I guess we’re all just lucky my father faked his own death before he got to the raping and pillaging part of my education, or no one would be safe.”

Jesus tap-dancing Christ, would you just shut the fuck UP. This is not ‘witty’. This is not ‘clever’. This is Jace openly antagonizing a person who would probably be more than willing to have him executed if given a good enough excuse – which Jace is doing.

So I’m just going to mark the count, and then watch something that’ll calm me down a bit.

Rapier Twit: 6

Our “Heroes”: 4

Ah, I needed that. We’re almost done with the scene.

Well apparently that was so stupid even Maryse thinks Jace went too far with that last bit, and thankfully we’re given yet another entirely accurate assessment of Jace by the Inquisitor:

“And just like your father, you can’t keep your temper ,” she said. “The Lightwoods have coddled you and let your worst qualities run rampant. You may look like an angel, Jonathan Morgenstern, but I know exactly what you are.”

Maryse tries to defend Jace’s behavior by saying that he’s “just a boy,” which once again flies in the face of Jace’s proclamation of how he’s an adult from a few chapters ago (but is still entirely accurate), and Jace is just flabbergasted that she’s defending him (dude, that’s what she’s been doing the whole time).

The Inquisitor decides that Jace is too worked up to undergo interrogation-via-mind-rape, and says she knows just the place where he can calm down. Jace, of course, has to get in one last bit of snark before the scene ends.

Jace blinked. “Are you sending me to my room?”

Rapier Twit: 7

I don’t even care at this point.

But no, even CC can’t force the Inquisitor to do something that stupid. No, she’s going to have him locked up in the Silent City. Yeah, remember that place? We spent maybe a whole chapter there in the last book, but it somehow warranted being the title? Well, turns out the place also serves as the Shadowhunters’ prison. Here’s a description of the kinds of people who get sent there:

The cells were reserved for the worst of criminals: vampires gone rogue, warlocks who broke the Covenant Law, Shadowhunters who spilled each other’s blood.
Shoddy World Building: 1

So, if this place exists, why aren’t the Lightwoods, Hodge, Michael Wayland, and all the other surviving members of the Circle there? I mean, they’re known members of a terrorist organization – like I’ve been saying, there is no reason for them to be walking around free.

And I can only come up with two explanations, one author-related, and one world-related. The former is that CC only made this place up when she started writing this book, and didn’t bother to make it fit into the world she’d already established. The later is that Shadowhunters follow the Ape Shall Never Kill Ape bullshit, and that the Circle attempting to murder the Downworlder delegates and igniting a race-war is somehow less of a crime than killing one of their own (a prospect which I really wouldn’t be surprised by), and that they somehow managed to stage their little Putsch without harming a single Shadowhunter in the process.

Honestly, I prefer the first one.

Anyway, Jace doesn’t protest, leaving the Inquisitor to get in the last word.

“Very wise, Jonathan. I see you’re already learning the best lesson the Silent City has to teach you.” The Inquisitor’s smile was like a grinning skull’s. “How to keep your mouth shut.”

Hey, Jace – you want some ice for that?

After the scene break, we’re back with Clary. To my surprise, she’s actually helping out with the housekeeping by doing the dishes (no, I’m not being sexist – she’s living there, so she should contribute to the house’s upkeep in some way).

The doorbell rings, and after it’s confirmed that no one is expecting company, Luke goes to answer the door, but not before grabbing a knife. Simon’s a bit freaked out by the knife bit, but Clary points out that, given recent events, Luke’s just being safe. I’m a little ashamed to find myself agreeing with her.

Then reality as I know it is reasserted, because when Simon freaks out about Clary trying to see who’s at the door, her justification is that Luke “could probably use [their] help” if whoever/whatever is at the door were there to attack them. Let’s be clear, Clary – if you guys were under attack, you would be a liability. Just like in almost every fight in the previous book. Simon has proven himself to be more useful than you, and he’s just the pathetic mundane.

Oh, and Clary calls Simon being protective of her “cute.”

Our “Heroes”: 5

So it’s perfectly okay for Luke – the werewolf – to answer the door with a knife, but it’s funny that Simon – the normal guy – wants to keep you out of the line of fire? Or is it because Simon is the stupid mundie, so he’s obviously overreacting?

Luke gives the all-clear by yelling for Clary, and we find out who was at the door – it’s Maia, because CC can only introduce so many new characters at a time. I mean, they’re all so complex and well developed, it must be hard to keep track!

Well, now that Clary’s scented another young female, she immediately goes into bitch-mode. Which is kind of ironic, given that Maia’s the werewolf. (rimshot)

And to prove that I’m not at all exaggerating, I’m going to show you Clary and Maia’s first interaction:

“You must be Clary.”
Clary admitted that this was the case.
“So that kid— the boy with the blond hair who tore up the Hunter’s Moon—he’s your brother?”
“Jace,” Clary said shortly, not liking the girl’s intrusive curiosity.

How is that “intrusive curiosity”, Clary? She’s asking a question about Jace, and therefore must be interested in him? Or are you just playing Passive-Aggressive Kombat? (skip to about 2:55)

Either way,

Our “Heroes”: 6

Then Simon shows up, and Maia smiles at him, which really sets Clary off.

Our “Heroes”: 7

Luke butts in before Clary tries to claw Maia’s eyes out, and explains that Maia will be working in the bookstore for a few weeks, and he wanted Clary to meet her so Clary wouldn’t freak out. Maia adds that she’ll also be keeping an eye out for any supernatural stuff that might come sniffing around. Clary responds exactly how you’d expect, only to get totally pwned by Maia just now picking up on Clary’s attitude:

“Thanks,” said Clary. “I feel so safe now.”
Maia blinked. “Are you being sarcastic?”
Our “Heroes”: 8

God, Maia’s awesome. At least when CC isn’t behind the wheel, anyway.

But since Clary’s the self insert heroine, we can’t have other characters chastising her for her terrible behavior. No, instead Simon steps in and offers the excuse of everyone being tense to explain Clary’s behavior, says he appreciates Maia’s willingness to come around, and casually refers to Clary as his girlfriend.

Amazingly, Clary apologizes for her behavior. Maia says it’s okay, and offers her sympathies regarding Jocelyn being in a coma. Clary accepts this, but let’s be honest – she’d probably forgotten about her mom.

Clary and Luke head inside, and Luke apologizes for Maia, because he didn’t realize that Clary “[wasn’t] in the mood to meet anyone.”

No, Luke. Fuck that – I don’t know if I used this quote from Gurney Halleck in the last book, but it applies here:

Mood? What has mood to do with it? You fight when the necessity arises — no matter the mood! Mood’s a thing for cattle or making love or playing the baliset. It’s not for fighting.

No, there’s no fighting in this scene, but that’s beside the point. Maybe it’s because I’m from the South (though neither of my parents were raised here), but being rude to a guest (which is putting it generously) isn’t excusable, regardless of your “mood”. If Clary wasn’t “in the mood” to meet someone, she could have politely excused herself, rather than go all bitch-face on the poor girl. It’s called having manners, CC.

Anyway, Clary – being the observant person she is – notices that Simon’s not currently attached to her side, and asks where he is. Luke points out that he’s still talking to Maia (and being friendly and a decent human being, but whatever), and then Luke explains that part of the reason he asked Maia to come around was that he hoped she and Clary might become friends.

Clary points out the she has Simon. To which I’ll bring this up again:

Simon. She had forgotten he was outside, had almost forgotten he existed. – City of Bones, Chapter 19.

Clary, you are a terrible friend.

Luke then brings up Simon calling Clary his “girlfriend”, and asks if he (Luke) should have known that already. And I actually like this bit – it’s a very father-daughter moment, and it feels genuine. Clary admits that she hadn’t heard it herself, and then ruins the moment by saying this:

“Somebody’s girlfriend,” she said. “Somebody’s sister, somebody’s daughter. All these things I never knew I was before, and I still don’t really know what I am.”

A Mary Sue and the author’s self-insert. There. Do I win a prize?

Simon pops back in and asks if he can spend the night, as it’s really late. Luke gives it the okay, and says he’s going to bed – he plans to get up at 5:00 to get to the hospital as soon as visiting hours start.

Clary says that Simon doesn’t have to sleep on the couch, to which he replies with this:

“I don’t mind staying to keep you company tomorrow,” he said, shaking dark hair out of his eyes impatiently. “Not at all.”

What? How does that connect to what Clary said? Or is this a remnant of a previous draft?

Anyway, Clary repeats herself, with a little more emphasis, and Simon finally picks up on the not-at-all-subtle innuendo. He blushes, and we get this comparison:

Jace would have tried to look cool; Simon didn’t even try.

Personally, I find that to be a point in Simon’s favor – his reaction might be awkward, but it’s genuine, which I think is more endearing. But I just can’t shake the feeling that it was intended to point out Jace’s superiority. As such,

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

And seriously, Clary – comparing your boyfriend to a guy you think is your brother is seriously fucked up.

They kiss again, Clary makes a comment about being tired of doing that in a kitchen, and they head to the guest room, bringing the chapter to an end.

So, a few final thoughts, and then we’ll call this one done.

I said at the end of chapter three that there was no point to chapters one through three, but I feel it deserves reiterating here. Almost nothing from the first three chapters will be brought up again (especially the crap at the werewolf bar), or be of any relevance. And what little that is important could easily have been fixed: we could have learned about the Inquisitor and the reason for her visit when she showed up; we don’t need any background on Maia before she shows up at Luke’s door; we really don’t need that whole sub-plot about Maryse kicking Jace out, and excising the whole scene at the Hunter’s Moon could only be an improvement.

But no – CC already wrote it, and therefore it has to stay, because that kind of revision is for other, lesser authors.

Now let’s discuss what’s at the heart of this chapter – the Inquisitor.

Given the obvious connections between this series and the Harry Potter books, it’s tempting to compare this book to Order of the Phoenix. Both have the authorities expressing doubts about the protagonist and persecuting him (unjustly or not) for events which occurred in the previous book, said doubts and persecution are tied to the reemergence of the primary villain, a secondary villain is introduced to embody the persecuting authority, and perhaps most telling, said secondary villain has or is given the title of inquisitor.

But there’s one critical difference – Rowling gave us reasons to hate Dolores Umbridge. Her methods of punishing students are cruel, dismisses a teacher, and sets up a student organization which acts like spies and secret police. Basically, she is a nasty, horrible person, and we see that.

That’s not the case here, though. Oh, we’re told the Inquisitor is mean and horrible, but there’s no real proof of that. Yes, she’s responsible for the Lightwoods being more or less banished from Shadowhunter-land, and for Hodge being under magically-enforced house arrest; but as I’ve said before, considering their crimes, that’s a slap on the wrist. I guess we’re supposed to hate her because she doesn’t like Jace, but the fact is, most of what she said is entirely correct. And the stuff that isn’t is a logical supposition. Basically, CC wants us to hate her because she’s doing her job.

Well, I can’t do that. Maybe if I actually liked Jace, or the believed the Lightwoods were as pure and innocent as CC wants me to believe they are, but that’s not the case. I hate Jace because of his actions, and I don’t trust the Lightwoods because of their past. Sorry, CC, but what you’re telling doesn’t line up with what you’re showing.

Counts

Entirely Pointless: 2 (Total: 20)
Un-Logic: 2 (Total: 17)
You Keep Using That Word: 2 (Total: 22)
Shoddy World Building: 1 (Total: 9)
Rapier Twit: 7 (Total: 20)
Our “Heroes”: 8 (Total: 31)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 (Total: 4)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 2 (Total: 14)
A Word from Our Sponsors: 0 (Total: 2)

Comment [11]

Hello everybody, and welcome back. Before we get started, I want to give a quick shout-out to Aikaterini for pointing out something I missed in the last chapter – despite having every reason to dislike and distrust Jace, the Inquisitor still takes the time to compare him to an angel. Now, initially, took this as the Inquisitor saying that appearances can be deceiving, and she wasn’t going to fall for any act on Jace’s part. However, Aikaterini noted that this could be read as the Inquisitor making a comment on Jace being hot. And given that this is CC, that is a not-inconceivable possibility. As such, I must once again retroactively give the book one of these:

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

You know it’s going to be one of those chapters when I have to give out counts before even starting.

So, chapter five. We’re once again in Jace’s POV (oh, joy), and he’s locked in a cell in the Silent City. And it’s dark. ‘Can’t see a damn thing’ dark. I just told you in under thirty words what CC needed almost ninety to convey.

After a brief bit where Jace is pretty sure the guys who brought him here (a couple Silent Brothers) probably think he’s a criminal, we get a description of the cell, because despite having only seen it for maybe a minute, Jace ‘knows’ all the details about it (and yes, the text does use the word ‘knew’ a lot). The cell is made of stone (derp), the bars are made of electrum, and Jace is handcuffed (in silver handcuffs, nonetheless) to a metal bar running the length of the cell.

I know it’s early, but I just have to stop to point out that CC clearly knows jack-all about metals. I’m fairly certain that CC has no clue what electrum actually is. For those not in the know (or who don’t remember from the first book), electrum is an alloy consisting primarily of gold and silver. You know some words Wikipedia uses to describe both of those metals? “Soft,” “ductile,” and “malleable”. In short, the exact opposite of what you would want to use in constructing a prison. Those bars aren’t going to be all that useful if the prisoners can bend them with their bare hands. And the same goes for the handcuffs – how is all this supposed to restrain anyone?

Shoddy World Building: 1

Anyway, for some reason they handcuffed Jace’s right hand to the wall, despite him being left-handed (and now that I’ve read more sporkings of CC’s Draco trilogy, that little fact is just further evidence that Jace = CC’s Draco). I don’t know why they couldn’t feed the chain around the metal bar, thus further restraining Jace, but then I’m not concerned with ensuring that he always comes out of any situation looking good, either.

Jace continues to pace his cell, and is bothered that he doesn’t know the time. For some reason, this leads into us being told that Valentine taught him how to tell time using the sun and position of the stars. I have no idea what the point of telling us this is, other than making Jace “more awesome,” and filling up space.

Entirely Pointless: 1

Wait, no there is a ‘reason’ – so Jace can ponder the possibility that he’ll “never see the sky again,” because he might be executed. But even Jace isn’t dense enough to believe that’s a real possibility of that happening, because “the penalty of death was reserved for murderers”. And since institutionalized racism is apparently a big part of being a Shadowhunter, I’m betting they don’t consider killing Downworlders or mundanes to be murder. Because remember – the worst crime a Shadowhunter can commit, the one that gets them sent to this allegedly terrible prison, is killing another Shadowhunter.

Wait a second…

The cells were reserved for the worst of criminals: vampires gone rogue, warlocks who broke the Covenant Law, Shadowhunters who spilled each other’s blood.

Goddamnit, CC, that was the last fucking chapter! Do Shadowhunters execute those who kill their own, or do they just lock them up? Did no one notice that little flub?

Shoddy World Building: 2

Anyway, despite Jace reassuring himself, he’s still kinda freaked out. Which leads into a nice paragraph or so talking about how Jace is never afraid, because he’s a big manly man or some shit.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Jace hears someone scream, which CC decides to call an “ululation”, which I won’t give her a point for, but I will kindly ask her to please put down the damn thesaurus. This freaks Jace out even more, and leads to a good chunk of a paragraph talking about how amazed he is that fear has a taste. He also hides, which the narration claims is in an attempt to calm down, but which I believe is him cowering in fear. Because if Jace were really the brave, strong, fearless hero CC keeps trying to convince me he is, he’d be trying to go towards the screaming, rather than cowering like he is. Maybe it’s Draco Malfoy seeping through…

There’s another scream, followed by the sound of crashing, and Jace starts imagining all the dead Shadowhunters rising from their graves. Wait, don’t you guys cremate your dead? Isn’t that what you use to make this underground city?

[checks previous sporking]

Why yes, you do. This was established back in chapter 10 of the first book. You know the whole damn reason the book was called City of Bones in the first place ?!

And I realize there are extenuating circumstances here, but god*damn* does CC suck at consistency. I mean, how did no one catch that little flub?

Anyway, through sheer effort of will, Jace manages to get control of himself, which I’m sure is intended to be seen as yet another sign of his awesomeness.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

He also realizes how stupid the idea of undead Shadowhunters is. Not for the reasons I mentioned above, oh no, but because he’s a fellow Shadowhunter. Because mindless undead are so picky about who they target, don’t cha know.

Jace then wonders why he was so afraid, because emotions are always rational. And then we get this little bit that I feel you all need to see:

This panic was unworthy of him. He would master it. He would crush it down.

The word choice just says so much about his character, don’t you think? Panicking isn’t stupid, oh no, it’s unworthy of him. It’s one of those emotions that only lesser people have, and thus must be crushed and suppressed, rather than dealt with like a healthy person.

Then, finally something happens. Brother Jeremiah, aka the only Silent Brother CC bothered to give a name, stumbles around the corner with a torch, looking absolutely terrified (he’s screamed so hard the stitches holding his mouth shut have ripped), and falls over. I just told you in under forty words what takes CC over three times as many

And Jace being the budding sociopath that he is, his first reaction is to reach for the torch Brother J was carrying, rather than determining if he’s still alive. Because only people who are hot or potentially useful deserve helping. Jeremiah is still alive, by the way, but who cares about that?

*Our “Heroes”: 1

It’s only now that Jace figures out that those screams he heard before must have come from the other Silent Brothers. Wow. Jace is about as sharp as a brick. We’re informed that whatever scared the Silent Brothers must be pretty scary, “more profound and powerful than the ancient Rune of Silence.”

Really? I would have thought the fact that they screamed so hard they ripped the stitches holding their mouths shut would have been evidence enough. But what do I know. And here’s a question – if there is this special “Rune of Silence”, why do the Silent Brothers have their mouths sewn shut in the first place? Plenty of mundane monks manage to take and maintain a vow of silence, and they can still do important things like eat.

Oh, wait, the Silent Brothers’ mouths are sewn shut because CC thought it would look cool. Because in this world, Rule of Cool trumps logic.

So Jace starts having a panic attack, and manages to grab the torch, but breaks one of the bones in his wrist in the process. And injury which I’m sure will not inconvenience him in the slightest. Then he starts hearing a thump-slither sound (I’m not sure how that works, but whatever), holds out the torch to get a better look, and sees nothing. We’re told that this should have calmed Jace down, but instead has done the opposite, leading Jace to wonder if he’s “suddenly become a coward”.

I beg to differ – that kind of situation, with that end result, would be terrifying. It’s a variant on the trope Nothing is Scarier, and the examples listed (under the “Nothing at all” heading) are fucking terrifying.

Jace tries to clear his head, but fails, hears the weird sound again, along with some strange whispers, freaks out some more, and actually falls to the ground. Then some weird dark shape with “eyes like burning ice”

Weird Word Choice: 1

opens the door behind Brother Jeremiah’s corpse and starts coming for Jace. I’m not sure how, because I’m fairly certain Jeremiah died outside Jace’s cell, so the Ominous Dark Shape ™ will just have to go through yet another door, but who cares – the scene’s almost over.

Apparently the Ominous Dark Shape ™ is some kind of cloud, because when it lunges at Jace, a “great cloud of roiling vapor” comes at him, which also puts his torch out. And that’s where the scene ends.

I’ll admit, that’s actually not bad. It’s nice to see Jace express an emotion other than anger or disdain, if nothing else. I’m also unconvinced that he’s actually in any real danger, because, well, this is CC we’re talking about, and Jace is obviously her favorite character, but at least she put in some effort.

The next scene brings us back to Clary. And I have to say, while I’m glad CC decided to switch things up a bit with this book by having multiple POV characters, I kinda wish she’d stick with one for more than a scene. Or maybe I just wish she’d pick anyone other than Clary and Jace as the main POVs.

Anyway, Clary and Simon are making out, and it’s described as being “pleasant.” CC goes on for a whole paragraph describing exactly how pleasant it is, all of which is obviously just here so she can sink Clary/Simon (is there a name for that ship?), because while Clary doesn’t hate kissing Simon, she’s just kind of going through the motions. And to top it all off, the paragraph ends with mention of how the metal bar under the sofa bed hurts her back.

Clary makes a noise about the metal bar, so Simon (being the kind, considerate person he is) stops and asks if he hurt her. Clary explains about the bed, and decides that the only solution is to shove a pillow under her back, because I guess only bad, slutty girls would ever try being on top. She and Simon talk for a while, which consists entirely of Clary getting Simon flustered because it amuses her. Basically, Simon’s been fantasizing about this for a long time, so it’s kind of weird to actually be doing it, and then the conversation turns to sex.

And once again I find myself giving praise to CC. Yes, thank you for acknowledging that teens do think about sex, and that it isn’t a bad thing.

But before Clary and Simon can get back to doing what teenage couples do, Clary decides she needs to change into her pajamas because she “can’t take making out seriously when [she] still [has her] socks on.”

Yeah, I don’t know either.

So Clary goes to the bathroom, brushes her teeth, and stares at herself in the mirror, trying to prove to herself that she actually has romantic feelings for Simon, because CC doesn’t just want to sink Clary/Simon, she wants to torpedo the remains, which is only encouraged by the fact that Clary’s thoughts immediately turn to Jace:

Of course , she’d kissed Jace, on the night of her birthday, and that hadn’t been safe and comfortable and pleasant at all. It had been like opening up a vein of something unknown inside her body, something hotter and sweeter and bitterer than blood. Don’t think about Jace, she told herself fiercely, but looking at herself in the mirror , she saw her eyes darken and knew her body remembered even if her mind didn’t want to.

You know, Clary having this kind of reaction to Jace (especially that particular memory) doesn’t bother me – what bothers me is that CC is presenting this as the better/more romantic option. Because if you don’t have an immediate physical reaction to your partner, it’s clearly not real love, because simple lust does not exist, even if you’re a teenager, a demographic not exactly known for being calm and rational.

Clary splashes some cold water on her face, and then realizes she left her top in the bedroom, which is one of the most contrived excuses for anything I’ve ever seen. So she goes back to her room, only to find that Simon’s already passed out (seriously?)

Clary starts for the bed, only for her phone to get a sudden text message from Isabelle. Remember this, because I’ll come back to it in a minute. We aren’t told the text’s content, but given everything else about this book, I think you can take a good guess. And Clary, demonstrating just what a great girlfriend she is, immediately gets ready to leave without providing any explanation for her boyfriend.

Our “Heroes”: 2

Come on, Clary, you should know better than this – you saw how Simon reacted the last time you disappeared without a trace, and that was before he knew about the supernatural shit that’s out there. Common courtesy demands you at least leave him a note.

And with that, the scene ends.

Now I’m going to go back to that whole text message thing. So, apparently Isabelle has Clary’s cell number. Then why did she have to call Simon’s house to contact Clary back in chapter one?

Un-Logic: 1

And if Shadowhunters have access to modern communications technology, then why don’t they make use of it more often? Or is it because it’s made by dirty mundies, and therefore inferior to their cutting-edge medieval-era technology?

Shoddy World Building: 3

And finally, this scene is almost exactly like the scene from chapter one, which just throws the mere existence of that and the following two chapters into question yet again.

Entirely Pointless: 4

(One for each, again)

The scene break takes us back to Jace. Wow, CC – you managed to maintain some small amount of tension for a whole two pages. And while that’s two more pages than in the last book, it might have helped to include a chapter break or something.

Anyway, Jace wakes up and gets angry that he fainted, because that’s a sign of weakness, and that’s something to be abhorred, because Jace is a manly-man.

Someone’s come to visit Jace, and I’m not going to let you guys guess who it is, because the answer is obvious – it’s Valentine, and he’s standing outside Jace’s cell. And to my surprise, he actually acts like a parent and asks if Jace is hurt. Jace ignores the question, instead asking about the smoke monster (no Lost jokes, please), but Valentine realizes that Jace is hurt, and asks who put him in the cell.

Jace tells Valentine it was the Inquisitor, and then tries to check himself for wounds because he’s got blood on his clothes. I’m not sure why he’d think he’d been injured – do demon smoke monster things usually cause those kinds of injuries?

Once he’s certain that he’s almost entirely unharmed (with only a token mention of his wrist injury), Jace looks at Valentine so we can have a nice description of what he’s wearing – leather armor with electrum-plated (which makes at least some sense) bits on his arms and legs (I’m assuming CC means vambraces and greaves, but who knows), and a sword sheathed on his back. I’d say he looks like a less badass version of Geralt of Rivia, but this book was written before the first Witcher game or the English translation of the first book came out, so we’ll just call it a coincidence.

Anyway, Valentine says that for all intents and purposes, the Inquisitor and the Clave are the same thing, which would make sense if I weren’t absolutely certain that she’s driven by her petty emotions. Valentine then goes on call the Lightwoods bad guardians for letting this happen, and says that he wouldn’t have let Jace get locked up. Yeah, but with you Jace would be a fugitive. And you were the one who decided to fake your own death and send your son to live with your old friends for… reasons. Plus, you have that whole ‘abusive, racist zealot’ thing going on.

Just saying, it’s going to take a bit more than that to make you father of the year, Vals.

Jace asks if Valentine is there to kill him, and Valentine asks why he’d want to do that. Jace points out that he did kill Brother J, but ruins it by making a joke:

“Well, why did you kill Jeremiah? And don’t bother feeding me some story about how you just happened to wander along after he spontaneously died. I know you did this.”

Rapier Twit: 1

Valentine explains that he killed the Silent Brothers because they had something he wanted. Well, he says “needed,” but let’s be honest. So Jace once again makes a dumb joke:

“What? A sense of decency?”

Rapier Twit: 2

Oh, like you’re one to talk?

So Valentine pulls out the sword, which is revealed to be the MacGuffin Sword. Because we’ve already established how “important” it is, and we can only have one plot coupon per book – we’re on a budget, after all.

Jace acts all shocked that Valentine did this (why? He stole the MacGuffin Cup before) and gets all indignant about it. Then Valentine tells him that apparently the MacGuffin Sword is the one that belonged to the angel that drove Adam and Eve out of Eden. This somehow means that it belongs to all the Shadowhunters.

I’m not quite sure how to take that. I’m inclined to believe that this is just Valentine ranting because he’s off his meds, but if it’s supposed to be true, it doesn’t make any sense. Just because the nephilim/Shadowhunters are supposedly descended from an angel (though not in the same way that the actual nephilim were), that doesn’t mean something that belonged to an angel belongs to you guys. If anything, it belongs to the angel.

Either way, I get the feeling that CC was just mining the Old Testament for material. And decided that the word ‘angel’ needed to be capitalized, for some reason.

You Keep Using That Word: 1

Anyway, now we finally get to the reason why Vals didn’t just book it once he’d grabbed the MacGuffin Sword – so he can do his version of the Darth Vader “come to the dark side” speech. He and Jace go back and forth a bit about trust, and how Valentine shouldn’t have expected Jace to be the good little soldier he was as a kid (uh, he was, right up until Clary showed up – were you not paying attention?), but he’s totes proud of Jace for wanting to do his own thing, and wants to explain his side of the story, because Valentine totally isn’t just a one-dimensional villain, and has layers and facets and everything!

Please. Most of the heroes can’t manage more than a single character trait, and now you’re trying to make the mostly off-stage villain complex? Pull the other one, CC, it’s got bells on.

Well this touching father-son moment is brought to an end by the sound of what I can only hope is the security forces bursting in. They’re so considerate, giving the Big Bad just enough time to give a big speech and whatnot.

Valentine decides to book it, but Jace asks to be unchained first, because that totally won’t look suspicious or anything. Thankfully (I guess) Valentine is smart enough to not do that, and says this cryptic(?) line before bringing the scene to an end:

“When you want to find me,” Valentine said, “you will find me.”

Um, duh? Because he’ll look for you.

Look, CC, I’ve watched Babylon 5 – you’re going to have to try a bit harder than that to impress me. Getting a straight answer out of Ambassador Kosh is like getting blood from a stone.

After the scene break, we’re back with Clary for the last scene of the chapter. Apparently Isabelle’s text really freaked her out, but not so much for the narration to actually tell us its contents. Oh, and for some reason Isabelle didn’t answer when Clary called back, but Clary didn’t feel the need to leave a message or try calling back in five minutes.

Then Clary’s thoughts drift back to seeing Jace at the bar, which is eliciting the exact opposite reaction from me that I’m certain CC intended. I’m sure she intended for her readers to feel worried and concerned about Jace being violent and angry. Except it doesn’t work, because A) Jace has always had an undertone of violence and anger, so Clary’s just upset that he’s expressing them physically, and B) she’s once again showing more concern for Jace than the several innocent werewolves he beat the crap out of. Whom she knows, and who put their lives on the line repeatedly to help her.

Our “Heroes”: 4

No, I’m still not over that. I will never be over that. That one little thing just shows what an ungrateful, selfish, uncaring bitch Clary is.

Moving. On.

Clary gets off the subway and heads for the Institute. She’s just about to ring the doorbell, when she suddenly decides that, as she’s technically a Shadowhunter (because who needs training when you have genetics, right?) she can just recite the Shadowhunter Pledge of Allegiance instead. Because why bother informing the people inside that you’re there when you can just burst in uninvited instead? Clary’s the protagonist, after all – she doesn’t have to follow basic rules of etiquette.

Our “Heroes”: 5

So Clary just barely starts her recitation, and the doors just open automatically. Why bother having a special code phrase if you don’t actually need to say it in the first place?

And if this is the only reason for establishing that method of entering the Institute, I’m going to be severely pissed off.

Clary hops in the elevator, and on the way up takes the time to be slightly horrified that she doesn’t look pretty enough.

Ron? Do you mind?

Thank you.

Church the cat meets Clary when she gets off the elevator, because apparently that’s his whole job. And while I’m getting a bit sick of what seems like a running gag, I also growing to like Church, if only because he clearly could not give less of a shit about what’s going on. Still, he leads Clary to Isabelle’s room.

Isabelle is surprised to see Clary, because while she did send Clary a text informing her (Clary) that Jace had been locked up, she (Isabelle) didn’t actually expect Clary to come racing over to the Institute, especially in the middle of the night.

Clary, of course, feels that Jace in jail = freak out, because logic. And were it anyone other than Jace, I’d be right there with her. But it is, so I’m not.

Alec is also in the room, and is more bothered that Isabelle told Clary what happened than anything else. Clary continues to freak out, and asks for more information. Alec very calmly explains that Jace is in one of the cells in the Silent City. When informed that this is where the Shadowhunters keep some of the more nasty criminals, Clary reacts like he’s been put in Federal Pound-me-in-the-ass Prison, and asks why they aren’t more upset. Then Isabelle points out that A) Jace will only be there for the one night, and B) there’s no other prisoners down there. So from their perspective, there’s nothing to worry about.

Really, this whole thing is just another example of CC’s failure to back up the intended reaction. It’s just like when Valentine was established as the villain in the first book – Clary was the only person in any way afraid of him, so instead of making Valentine seem threatening, it just makes Clary look more pathetic (which is a really annoying flaw in CC’s writing – you’d think someone who’s such a fan of Joss Whedon would write strong female characters). Here, Clary is the only one freaking out about Jace being locked up, so instead of appearing properly concerned, she looks like an easily frightened little girl.

(And yes, the reader knows what’s happened to Jace, but Clary doesn’t, so my point stands.)

I’m going to go through the next bit line-by-line, because I think you guys need to see this stuff.

“But why? What did Jace do?”
“He mouthed off to the Inquisitor. That was it, as far as I know,” said Alec.

Let’s be honest – that’s more than enough for what he got.

Isabelle perched herself on the edge of the vanity table. “It’s unbelievable.”
“Then the Inquisitor must be insane,” said Clary.

Oh, fuck both of you. Look Clary, just because your panties get wet every time Jace’s name is mentioned doesn’t make him a perfect little angel. He’s an arrogant douche bag who’s finally met someone who won’t take his shit.

“She’s not , actually ,” said Alec. “If Jace were in your mundane army, do you think he’d be allowed to mouth off to his superiors? Absolutely not.”

Thank you, Alec. You know, I’m really starting to like you – if you manage to not pull any racist crap, you just might move up in my ranking of favorite characters. Lord knows Isabelle isn’t exactly comporting herself all that well.

“Well, not during a war. But Jace isn’t a soldier.”

Shut up, Clary. And just so we’re clear, Article 89 of the US Uniform Code of Military Justice addresses this issue:

“Any person subject to this chapter who behaves with disrespect toward his superior commissioned officer shall be punished as a court-martial may direct.
(1) That the accused did or omitted certain acts or used certain language to or concerning a certain commissioned officer;
(2) That such behavior or language was directed toward that officer;
(3) That the officer toward whom the acts, omissions, or words were directed was the superior commissioned officer of the accused;
(4) That the accused then knew that the commissioned officer toward whom the acts, omissions, or words were directed was the accused’s superior commissioned officer; and
(5) That, under the circumstances, the behavior or language was disrespectful to that commissioned officer.”

Yeah, Clary, that stuff doesn’t stop applying just because there isn’t a war on. It’s part of maintaining discipline and respect, not that your or Jace would know anything about either of those.

“But we’re all soldiers. Jace as much as the rest of us. There’s a hierarchy of command and the Inquisitor is near the top. Jace is near the bottom. He should have treated her with more respect.”

Thank you again, Alec.

“If you agree that he ought to be in jail, why did you ask me to come here? Just to get me to agree with you? I don’t see the point. What do you want me to do?”

Point of order, Clary – no one asked you to come, as evidenced by the surprise expressed by both Alec and Isabelle at your presence. You chose to come, and made only a token attempt to contact either of them to inform them that you were coming, including not ringing the door bell to announce your arrival.

But never mind that little ret-con. Alec and Isabelle explain that, once again, Clary is the only person who can make Jace behave himself (read: not do things that are suicidal), because she “[reminds] him that he has something to live for.”

Oh, gag me. And since I’m certain this is supposed to show just how much Jace luuurrrvs Clary, I’m giving that statement one of these:

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4

Because nothing says “I love you” like trying to get yourself killed because you can’t be with someone. Even if they’re your sibling.

You know, it really says something when the Lannister twins have a more healthy relationship than these two.

This statement makes Alec angry, because now that he’s done being rational, he’s back to being The Gay One, so of course he’s all jealous. Clary asks if they can visit Jace, to which Alec asks if she’ll tell Jace to be less of an ass to the Inquisitor (my words, not Alec’s), to which Clary gives the non-answer of wanting to hear Jace’s side.

Clary, Jace doesn’t have a side. He mouthed off to a superior, and got thrown in jail because of it. There are no extenuating circumstances.

But before they can get ready to go, someone knocks at the door (see Clary? That’s called courtesy), and CC whips out one of the weirdest staples of her vocabulary. That’s right, Isabelle is described as “unhitching” herself from the vanity table she’s been leaning/sitting on.

You Keep Using That Word: 2

I will never understand how CC developed that particular linguistic quirk. Never.

It’s Max, here to tell his older siblings that he thinks someone’s trying to contact the Institute, because he heard noises coming from the library. I guess the library is where they keep the phone, or whatever the magical equivalent is. Then he sees Clary, and asks who she is. When told that she’s Jace’s sister, he’s surprised and incredulous, and his eyes are described as having “rounded.”

You Keep Using That Word: 3

Seriously, CC? ‘Widened’ wasn’t good enough? And what, were Max’s eyes angled before?

Alec and Isabelle get ready to go off to answer the phone or whatever (after a description of Alec’s hair frizzing out “like a soft dark halo” because of static electricity on his shirt, which serves no discernable purpose),

Entirely Pointless: 5

deciding to leave Max alone with Clary. Because we couldn’t possibly bring them along, or have Alec or Isabelle stay behind. Clary asks what’s going on, and apparently a dead fairy kid was found in Central Park, which is where all the adult Shadowhunters are.

I’m kind of wishing I could read about that instead. At least it would be something resembling actual plot, rather than watching more of the Stupid Teen Drama Hour.

So now, instead of getting to see interesting supernatural-CSI type stuff, or at least stuff that’s at least peripheral to the plot… we get to see Clary interacting with the younger brother of her friends.

And I’ll be honest – it’s another example of CC being a good writer. This is a pretty awkward scenario, and it’s played as being awkward.

As an opener, Max asks how old Clary is. She asks him how old he thinks she is. It’s quickly revealed that both of them are short for their ages, so people constantly think they’re younger than they are (we’ll ignore the other possible reasons for that, like physique). Clary then notices that Max has one of the Naruto books, which he says he got at the airport (I guess Shadowhunters aren’t opposed to using mundane technology when it suits them, eh?). But Max is having trouble reading it, so Clary explains that you read manga the reverse from western comics.

I just have one problem with that last bit – all the manga books I’ve read (which, admittedly isn’t an extensive list) which are translated into English have a handy thing on the inside of back cover (which would be the front of a western book) explaining this. But whatever.

Anyway, Max looks at the spine and realizes that he’s got vol. 9, and says that he should read vol. 1-8 first. Clary suggests he ask someone to take him to a comic shop, and name drops real-world New York City stores Midtown Comics and Forbidden Planet. Max is a bit incredulous at a store being called ‘Forbidden Planet,’ but since Max’s requisite character traits have been established (i.e. young and likes manga), Isabelle returns.

As you might expect, the message was from one of the Silent Brothers trying to tell anyone about the attack. Isabelle tells Max to go to bed, but when they tell him that they’re going to the Silent City, he gets upset and says he wants to go, too. Isabelle says that Max is too young, but he points out that she’s also under eighteen.

Max, that’s not the point – both your siblings have actual experience in combat, so they might be of some use in a dangerous situation. You, on the other hand, will be a distraction at best. Isabelle isn’t telling you to go to your room to be mean, she’s doing it for your safety.

But this brings up a weird thing in this book. Namely, that CC appears to be under the impression that everyone, everywhere has always agreed that adulthood begins at eighteen, so anyone younger than that is still a child. This concept is stupid, as anyone with common sense would conclude. It’s especially galling because CC was raised Jewish, and presumably had a Bat Mitzvah.

Isabelle suddenly asks Clary to step outside with her for a minute, and then traps Max in her room. As you might expect, Max doesn’t take this too well, and tries to come after them. Isabelle, busy keeping the door shut, asks Clary to grab her magic drawing stick out of her pocket and pass it to her. But instead of doing that (because if there’s one thing CC doesn’t do, it’s Les Yay), Clary pulls out her own magic drawing stick and offers that instead.

So Isabelle casts arcane lock on the door, and is surprised that Clary has a magic stick of her own, which I’m sure was the entire point of this bit. Clary explains that it belonged to her mom, and berates herself for using the past tense. I’d congratulate her for actually remembering that her mother exists, but since A) Jocelyn hasn’t used it in years, and B) Clary is now the one using it, I think it’s perfectly fine to use the past tense in this case. That’s kind of how hand-me-downs work.

Isabelle tells Max that she has some PowerBars if he gets hungry, and then they leave. You know, you could at least apologize or pretend to feel sorry. But I guess we have to pound home the “Isabelle is a bitch” theme.

Our “Heroes”: 6

They meet up with Alec, who’s put on his own set of leather armor. I swear, if Jace does the same at some point, I’m going to loose it. I’m going to show you guys this, because again, I think you need to see this:

“You should probably head home,” [Alec] said. “You don’t want to be here by yourself when the Inquisitor gets back.”
“I want to go with you,” Clary said, the words spilling out before she could stop them.
[…]“You sound like Max.”
“Max is nine. I’m the same age as you.”
“But you haven’t got any training,” Alec argued. “You’ll just be a liability.”

Thank you once again, Alec. Sorry, Clary, but age doesn’t factor into this – Alec and Isabelle know how to handle themselves in a fight, whereas you don’t. Hell, if you don’t want to go home, why not stay here and look after Max?

But no, Clary is the –author insert- heroine, so she manages to successfully argue her case, to whit, she knows where the door to the Silent City is, and they don’t (presumably). Much to my dismay, Isabelle sides with Clary, for some inexplicable reason. And one last quote from Alec, because he’s just on a roll today:

“Last time we faced a demon, she just cowered and screamed.” Seeing Clary’s acid glare, he shot her an apologetic glance. “I’m sorry, but it’s true.”

Clary, there’s no need to go all bitch-face on him. Yeah, I’ll admit, Alec didn’t do a whole lot either, but at least he did something.

But it seems that Isabelle has completely lost her mind, because she says that Clary just needs an opportunity. Because taking the un-trained rookie into what could be an incredibly dangerous fight just screams “learning opportunity”. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think Isabelle just wanted Clary to get killed. And then she pulls out a quote from their Lord and Savior, Jace:

“Sometimes you don’t have to search out danger, sometimes danger finds you.”

Isabelle? Sweetie? That so very much does not apply to this scenario. As an argument for training Clary? Sure. But as an argument for bringing Clary to what could be an on-going attack on what should probably be one of the most protected Shadowhunter facilities in the world? It’s crap.

Clary also chips in, saying that if they leave her behind, she’ll just go on her own. Alec gives in, and Isabelle takes Clary’s magic stick to draw some magic tattoos on Clary, ending the chapter.

Honestly, this chapter wasn’t all that bad. A good chunk of that probably has to do with Clary and Jace being separated, as well as Jace having minimal chance to snark at anyone.

But there is one change I would make, which I’m fairly sure would increase the quality of this chapter – flip the scenes. Instead of starting with Jace being locked up, start with Clary and Simon making out. That way, at least some amount of tension is maintained. As is, we already know exactly what’s going on in the Shadowhunter necropolis (hey, language joke!) while Clary, Alec, and Isabelle don’t, so we’re forced to deal with their drama when actual plot is going on. By switching up the scene order, the reader would know only a little bit more than the characters, rather than a lot.

Also, we once again have a chapter title that has jack shit to do with what happens in the chapter. I did a bit of research, and here’s three places where the phrase “sins of the father(s)” appears in the Bible:

“Keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation.” – Exodus 34:7

“Fathers shall not be put to death because of their children, nor shall children be put to death because of their fathers. Each one shall be put to death for his own sin.” – Deuteronomy 24:16

“The Lord is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, forgiving iniquity and transgression, but he will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, to the third and the fourth generation.” – Numbers 14:18

So as one might expect from the Bible, there’s a bit of disagreement. But the central point is this – punishing a child (in this case, Jace) because of the actions of the parent (Valentine). Which has nothing to do with this chapter, because Jace is already locked up. If anything, this chapter name would be more appropriate for the previous chapter – you know, where the Inquisitor allegedly seemed to want to punish Jace for Valentine’s actions (rather than Jace being an arrogant little shit).

I’m starting to think that CC makes up chapter names before she actually writes the chapter. She should really stick to numbered chapters. Or come up with a title after the chapter’s been written.

And just so you guys know, we’re almost a quarter of the way through this book, and only now are we getting actual plot. Why did those first three chapters exist, again?

See you next time.

Counts

Entirely Pointless: 5 (Total: 25)
Un-Logic: 1 (Total: 18)
You Keep Using That Word: 3 (Total: 25)
Shoddy World Building: 3 (Total: 12)
Rapier Twit: 2 (Total: 22)
Our “Heroes”: 6 (Total: 37)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 (Total: 4)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 4 (Total: 18)
A Word from Our Sponsors: 0 (Total: 2)

Comment [12]

Hello ladies, gentlemen, and everything between and beyond; welcome to the next installment of Harry Potter meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer City of Ashes. We’ve finally come to the chapter from which the book derives its name, and just like in the previous book, it really isn’t all that important to the actual plot. This might lead you to wonder why the book and this chapter have the same name. The answer is simple – so CC could maintain her naming scheme.

Sometimes, this kind of thing works. For example, all the books in George R.R. Martin’s Song of Ice and Fire series have titles following the “[article] [noun] [preposition] [other noun]” scheme. Except there it actually kind of ties in to the events of the novel. A Game of Thrones deals primarily with politics (and the phrase is even said at one point); A Clash of Kings is mostly about the War of the Five Kings; A Storm of Swords brings the War to a close; A Feast for Crows deals with the aftermath of the War of the Five Kings; and A Dance with Dragons does the same, while also bringing some of the focus back to Daenerys, who we hadn’t seen since Storm.

That’s not the case here, though – here, CC seems to have just gone with these titles because they sound cool, just like the name of the series as a whole.

Anyway, as you might remember, the last chapter saw the plot finally take the stage after hanging around in the wings for about four chapters. Yes, I know the Harry Potter books would spend the first few chapters re-establishing the status quo, and Rowling certainly didn’t wait until almost a fifth of the way through to make Harry & co. aware of the main plot. It was okay in the first book, CC, because you had quite a bit to establish (or at least, you should have), but that’s not the case her.

But I’ve wasted enough time, so let’s get to it.

We’re still in Clary’s head, proving that CC is at least aware of how to maintain tension. She’s been given a grand total of two magic tattoos: one that looks like an eye, the purpose of which is unexplained, but presumably lets her see through glamours (which I thought she could already do, but whatever); and another that will give her some kind of protection, though exactly how is left unclear. One thing is clear, though – even Isabelle realized that Clary would be utterly useless in a fight.

So they take a cab to the cemetery, and as they go to the Silent City’s entrance, Clary takes note of several of the Shadowhunter names engraved on the wall:

Youngblood, Fairchild, Thrushcross, Nightwine, Ravenscar.

You know I notice about all of these? They have a decidedly English sound, which is odd, given how they’re supposed to be from a place “between Germany and France.”

Shoddy World Building: 1

Also, I have no doubt that the Youngblood line all died from a horrible disease.

Anyway, they reach the statue, and Clary tells them that Brother Jeremiah used a magic rune to open the door last time. Alec is hesitant to try that, and says that the Silent Brothers should have known they were coming and opened the door. So he then decides to cut his palm and rub the blood on the statue. Guess he didn’t plan on using that hand anyway. But it is nice to see that at least this place has better security than their home base.

However, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that Clary’s “I’ll just go there on my own” threat kind of fails, because I doubt she’d be able to get inside.

This of course works, but the tunnel leading down is completely dark. Clary makes the brilliant observation that “Something’s wrong.”

No Shit Sherlock: 1

Wow, haven’t seen one of those since chapter 3.

Clary pulls out the magic glowing rock Jace gave her back in the first book, and Alec leads the way down, with Isabelle bringing up the rear. As they pass by all the mausoleums, Alec makes this observation:

Alec looked somberly down the rows. “I never thought I would enter the Silent City,” he said. “Not even in death.”

To which Clary responds thusly:

“I wouldn’t sound so sad about it,” Clary said. “Brother Jeremiah told me what they do to your dead. They burn them up and use most of the ashes to make the City’s marble.”

First, Clary and/or CC once again demonstrates that she doesn’t understand how or what marble is. If anything, this sounds like a form of concrete. (Feel free to correct me on this, as I’m not a geologist.)

You Keep Using That Word: 1

Second, Clary, what the hell do you know about it? Isabelle points out immediately afterwards that that’s actually considered an honor by Shadowhunters. So yeah, Alec being worried about being excluded from something that important (presumably because he’s gay) makes perfect sense.

Our “Heroes”: 1

Isabelle also points out that mundanes also cremate corpses, but Clary thinks that it’s still “creepy”.

Our “Heroes”: 2

Girl, what do you know from creepy? You want real creepy? Check out the Sedlec Ossuary. That chapel incorporated the remains of between 40,000 and 70,000 people into the decorations and furnishings, including a chandelier. Don’t believe me? See for yourselves:

So yeah, don’t complain about how what the Shadowhunters do is weird/gross/creepy. Especially when you’re so damn eager to join their ranks.

As they move on, CC describes how the city smells, which I will commend her for. It’s all too easy for writers (especially beginning writers) to forget that descriptions in novels aren’t limited to the visual. In this case, Clary smells smoke and ashes (which were apparently there the last time… that’s a bit worrying), along with a rotting-fruit smell.

Alec decides that now is the time to pull out his totally-not-a-lightsaber. Why he didn’t do this sooner, say when they started down, I don’t know. And unless he respec’d for melee between books, I kind of doubt that thing will be all that useful.

They continue onward, and eventually reach the area where Clary got her brain scrambled in the last book, and they discover that the Silent Brothers are all dead, and the MacGuffin Sword is missing. All of which would be more shocking if we didn’t already learn this in the last chapter. Oh, and Clary has once again gone into observation mode, as Alec and Isabelle are the only ones commenting on this.

The two semi-professionals examine the scene for a bit, and I kind of like that they’re reacting differently: Isabelle is shocked and incredulous, Alec is cool and professional. Clary, as previously mentioned, has no reaction to anything.

*Our “Heroes”: 3

They find some bloody footprints and follow them down a hallway, which leads them to a set of doors hanging open.

Clary somehow just knows that Jace is on the other side. I’m not exaggerating, either – the narration actually says that she “somehow […] sensed him.” This is bad writing. Anytime a character “somehow” knows or senses or feels something, it says to me that the author couldn’t come up with a way to explain their actions, and didn’t feel like taking the time to figure one out.

Also, I’m reasonably certain that this is intended to show that Clary and Jace have a ‘special bond’ that no doubt is a sign of their ‘tru luv’.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Blech.

So Clary, having less sense of self-preservation than a suicidal lemming, sprints through the doors, and finds the jail cells, with Alec and Isabelle (you know, the ones who are actually armed) following behind. Clary immediately spots the corpse of Brother Jeremiah, but only after noticing a shape in the cell his corpse is in front of. Clary is about as bothered by Jeremiah’s death as Jace was, because she shoves the dead body aside to get at the door. Why bother showing respect for the dead when the guy she wants to bang might be hurt?

*Our “Heroes”: 4

It’s only after this that she gets any confirmation that the cell doesn’t have a random body in it, because it makes a noise. So Clary starts trying to open the door, but with no luck – the doors don’t have a physical locking mechanism, instead using magic. Raising the question of why they have hinges (which they do) in the first place.

Shoddy World Building: 2

So Clary whips out her not-a-wand and casts –Alohomora- Knock an opening spell. Presumably, this is the same one Jace used to break into that church in the last book, which, I feel the need to remind you all, resulted in the lock being melted.

Well, Clary apparently got Ginny Weasley’s over-powered spells, because the door is ripped off its hinges and falls into the cell. Yep, she and Jace are definitely related – they have the same utter lack of subtlety.

Clary rushes into the cell, confirms that its occupant is indeed Jace, and starts making a catalog of his various injuries (read: bruises), once again showing her priorities. Every single Silent Brother has been brutally murdered? Pfft. Jace looks pale and has a few bruises? Get him to the emergency room!

Our “Heroes”: 5

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Then Clary starts stroking Jace and has all these tender feelings, all the while repeatedly emphasizing that they’re totally not because she wants to bone him. Nope. Not at all.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

CC, no one is buying it. You couldn’t give that away.

Jace wakes up, and is shocked to find that Clary’s there and he’s not dead. Clary explains that he passed out and may have hit his head. And I honestly can’t summarize this next bit. Behold:

His hand came up to cover hers where it lay on his cheek. “Worth it,” he said in such a low voice that she wasn’t sure it was what he’d said, after all.
“What’s going on?” It was Alec, ducking through the low doorway, Isabelle just behind him . Clary jerked her hand then cursed herself silently. She hadn’t been doing anything wrong.

First, this

Next, this

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4

CC? Stop it. It’s not cute. It’s not funny. It’s not remotely subtle.

Anyway, Alec and Isabelle enter the cell, and apparently didn’t see any of what just happened, despite Clary carrying one of their only sources of light with her and them standing right there. Alec asks Jace the following questions – “Are you hurt?”, “What happened?” and “Can you remember?” but Jace gets indignant, because apparently three questions (two, really, as the second and third are the same thing) are just too many for him to handle at the moment.

Isabelle asks Jace who hurt him (because remember, his minor injuries are a major concern) and Jace explains that he injured his own wrist. Being a big baby, he winces at the pain.

This causes both Alec and Clary to jump into action, because they both want to fondle Jace as much as possible. Alec manages to glare Clary into submission, and casts a healing spell. (I’d like to think it’s Cure Minor Wounds, but you just know Jace would treat a broken and bloody wrist on his off-hand as something requiring Cure Serious Wounds.)

For some reason, Jace asks about Brother Jeremiah, but when told that the Brother is dead, says that he already knows. I’d say this was to show Jace actually does care, except that he clearly doesn’t give a shit.

Isabelle asks if the Silent Brothers killed each other, but Jace explains vaguely that something else killed them. He then fakes having a headache or something (I refuse to believe he’s in any actual pain), presumably so he doesn’t have to mention that Valentine was there. You know, Jace, not mentioning a visit from your genocidal father kind of throws doubts on any claims that you’re not secretly loyal to him.

Now, were this a good book, I’d say this was a good way to do just that. But since A) we’ve already established that the one character who doesn’t trust Jace is our secondary villain, and B) Jace is CC’s little darling, and she won’t let anything bad happen to him ever, I’m not buying it. So while I may think it makes perfect sense for Jace to actually be loyal to Valentine, my reasons don’t line up with what CC insists.

Clary gets all nervous, and says they should get moving. And while she is being the typical frightened female, she is speaking sense. Jace says that the thing is gone, but admits that “he could still bring it back.” But just when Alec asks just who “he” is, Jace has yet another convenient fainting spell, causing Alec to forget his question.

Jace waves off Alec’s concern, saying that he’s alright, at which Alec points out that the only thing keeping him upright at the moment is the wall. And this would be a mildly funny moment, if CC didn’t once again ruin it by making sure that Jace always gets the last word. To whit,

“It’s leaning,” Jace told him. “Leaning comes right before standing.”

Rapier Twit: 1

CC, I’d be more forgiving of Jace constantly protecting his fragile ego if you weren’t doing the exact same thing all the time.

Isabelle then reminds everyone that she’s there by being the most adult person in the room and reminding them all that they should get going. Clary agree, fawns over Jace a bit more,

Both Hands, Ma’am: 5

but Alec cock-blocks her (or the female-equivalent) by offering to let Jace lean on him instead. But before we can finally leave, they have to stop and stare at Brother Jeremiah’s body a bit more. Isabelle gets further brownie points from me by taking Jeremiah’s hood and covering his face, so he at least has some dignity.

And then we get this bit of commentary from Alec and Jace

“I’ve never seen a Silent Brother afraid,” Alec said. “I didn’t think it was possible for them to feel fear.”
“Everyone feels fear.”

Yes, Jace, yes they do. The secret, though, is knowing what to do with that. Because despite what that terrible Will Smith/M. Night Shyamalan movie After Earth might claim, fear is not, in fact, a choice – how you react to it is.

After that bit of “wisdom”, Jace looks all shell-shocked, which elicits yet more concern from Clary.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 6

That done, they finally start heading for the exit. The description of which consists largely of Clary staring at Jace so we can get his reactions to this stuff, because his are the only ones that matter now.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 7

In the main chamber area, Jace makes some cryptic comment about something “[feeling] wrong,” which Alec rightly brushes off because they still need to get out of this place.

They make their way through the mausoleums, but when they get near the top of the stairs, they’re hit by a sudden bright light. And no summation I attempt will do this bit justice. See for yourselves:

“The sun couldn’t have risen yet— could it?” Isabelle murmured. “How long were we down here?”
Alec checked his watch. “Not that long.”
Jace muttered something, too low for anyone else to hear him. Alec craned his ear down. “What did you say?”
“Witchlight,” Jace said, more loudly this time.

…

You guys can’t tell the difference between the light given off by your magic glowing rocks and natural sunlight.

And I know that getting through this book is a slog, and CC sucks at conveying the passage of time, but there is no way that that little jaunt took more than an hour or two.

Finally, this is one of the most important locations for Shadowhunters, period. And it just got busted open like a kid’s piggy bank. Are you really that surprised that other Shadowhunters finally showed up?

I don’t have a count for this, guys. It’s not the characters being stupid for no reason at all. So I guess I’ll just go with this:

Almost done, guys.

So our less-than-intrepid heroes rush up the remaining stairs, and wouldn’t you know it, there’s a whole bunch of other Shadowhunters just standing around with their thumbs up their butts.

And I guess someone pointed out the utter lack of diversity among Shadowhunters, because the first one to say anything at the kids’ appearance is a black guy (whose name is revealed to be Malik, so I assume he’s supposed to be from one of the Arabic parts of the world). And what does he say?

“By the Angel,” the man said . “Maryse— there was already someone down there.”

No Shit Sherlock: 2

You Keep Using that Word: 2

The first is because all thirty Shadowhunters can clearly see that. The second is because of CC’s continued use of Random Capitalization.

And how does Maryse respond to the sight of her kids dragging their adopted brother out of what’s supposed to be prison?

“I know, Malik,” she said. “These are my children.”

…

Once again, was that line missed in the revisions? Because that does not follow from the preceding one. How did Maryse know that her kids were down there? And if she did, why were she and the twenty-plus Shadowhunters present not sprinting down there to find them?

No, I know why that line is the way it is – because it’s a suitably dramatic statement to end a chapter on. Or it would be, if there were any drama to be wrung from this scene in the first place. Or this chapter, to be honest.

Because at no point is there ever any implication that anyone is in any danger. We already knew that Jace was fine, and that Clary & co. would find him. Maybe there could have been some tension if they had to figure out a way to get Jace out of his cell, but Clary’s inexplicable ability to cast super-spells shot that in the head.

Really, I’m more curious as to what the other Shadowhunters were so damn busy with that they weren’t already at the Silent City when the kids got there. You can’t tell me that they needed almost thirty people to investigate the death of one kid. And if they had to call in some of these people from other stations (or whatever), then why were all the ones in New York off playing CSI? Why didn’t the Silent Brothers have a means of contacting them directly? And if they did, why didn’t they?

CC’s tried to mimic the world of Harry Potter, but shot herself in the foot in the process. By making every member of her secret, magical, better-than-you society a warrior, it raises questions as to why they don’t all act like it.

You know what would have been better, at least from my perspective? Have Clary, Alec, and Isabelle show up at the entrance to the Silent City, only to find the other Shadowhunters already there. The kids find Maryse, and manage to get some basic information out of her – something attacked the Silent City, apparently killing everyone inside. The kids are worried.

Then someone says they found a survivor – and it’s Jace. He claims he doesn’t know anything, but everyone else (especially the Inquisitor) is skeptical. Clary, Alec, and Isabelle are more trusting, but do find it strange that Jace doesn’t remember anything about the attack. And the reader, knowing what actually happened, might start to wonder if Jace really is as innocent as he claims to be.

But that would require CC being willing to cast aspersions on her precious Jacey-poo, which will never happen.

Well, that’s chapter 6. Next time, we finish off the first part of this book.

Counts

Entirely Pointless: 0 (Total: 25)
Un-Logic: 0 (Total: 18)
You Keep Using That Word: 2 (Total: 27)
Shoddy World Building: 2 (Total: 14)
Rapier Twit: 1 (Total: 23)
Our “Heroes”: 5 (Total: 42)
No Shit Sherlock: 2 (Total: 6)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 7 (Total: 25)
A Word from Our Sponsors: 0 (Total: 2)

Comment [20]

Hey guys, sorry for the delay. Part of it was because of school, part of it was me working on my own writing, and part of it was me getting caught up in Dragon Age: Inquisition (I’m playing a human male mage, if you’re curious). But we’re too damn close to a good stopping point, and I don’t want this to become a once-a-month thing, so here we are.

For those who don’t remember, the last chapter focused entirely on Clary, Alec, and Isabelle’s attempt to “rescue” Jace from the Silent City, aka the City of Bones, and now the eponymous City of Ashes. Considering we already knew that the Silent Brothers (who were supposed to be the wardens of the prison) had already been killed by Valentine’s pet smoke monster (no, not that one)), who then promptly disappeared, the whole chapter was about as tense as picking up a friend from the airport in good traffic. The chapter ended with our protagonists reaching the surface, only to find several dozen adult Shadowhunters waiting for them. Exactly where all these trained professional demon killing badasses have been for the past few chapters, I have no idea. Perhaps we’ll get an answer today, but don’t hold your breath.

Chapter seven begins with all the adult Shadowhunters reacting to Maryse identifying the kids as being hers. Because that was just such a great cliffhanger to end a chapter on. And it also gives us one of these:

A Word from Our Sponsors: 1

Yeah, it’s been a while since we’ve had one of those – last time was in chapter 3.

And the entire situation quickly devolves from there. Maryse basically acts like an exasperated parent, which isn’t helped by Jace, Alec, and Isabelle acting like they’re all eight years old and just got caught with their hands in the cookie jar. Will someone please treat this situation with a modicum of the seriousness it deserves?

Mayrse starts asking why they’re here, and mentions getting the distress call (so what the hell took you guys so long? Did you pull a Volturi and decide to visit some tourist sites along the way?), and Alec interrupts her, saying that’s why they came.

That’s half-bullshit. Yes, they came because of the distress call, but only to rescue Jace – none of them showed any real concern for the Silent Brothers, instead choosing to run straight to Jace’s cell to let him out.

Alec goes on to say that they tried to call someone else, but couldn’t get anybody, and decided to go themselves. Which is complete bullshit, as far as I’m concerned. To quote the Internet, pics or it didn’t happen. CC, events in books only happen if the reader sees or is made aware of them. In this case, there was no mention of any attempt to contact any adult Shadowhunters, so I can only assume that this is either Alec or CC covering this little mistake.

Meanwhile, Clary is busy staring at everybody, once again demonstrating just how utterly pointless her existence is.

Mayrse tries to say something, but Alec just barrels on ahead and says that all the Silent Brothers are dead anyway. Not that they really looked that hard. Maryse asks for clarification, only for someone else to step up and basically say, “what part of ‘they’re all dead’ confuses you?”

As I’m sure you can all guess, that was the Inquisitor. Not that Clary knows that, but she will soon. And she is of course described in generally unflattering terms by Clary, because she’s a designated bad guy. The description is also an attempt by CC to remind us that Clary is an artist, because she describes the Inquisitor as looking “like a sort of Edward Gorey caricature,.” And again CC fails, because A) Edward Gorey, is a writer and illustrator, not a caricature artist, and B) Clary’s description (“all sharp angles and pulled-back hair and eyes like black pits scraped out of her face.”) doesn’t quite sound like Gorey’s style, at least not to me. Here’s some samples from his alphabet book, The Gashlycrumb Tinies:

I can see that bit about the eyes, and maybe the hair, but “sharp angles”? I’m not seeing it.

Anyway, the Inquisitor asks Alec if he found anyone alive in down there, and he narrowly avoids an out-right lie by saying that they didn’t see anyone alive, referring to her as Inquisitor.

And then we get Clary’s response to learning that this woman is the Inquisitor, which I feel you all need to see:

So that was the Inquisitor, Clary realized. She certainly looked like someone capable of tossing teenage boys into dungeon cells for no reason other than that she didn’t like their attitude.

Of course that’s how she sees it. because it doesn’t matter that the Inquisitor is Jace’s superior, or an authority figure, or just a veteran Shadowhunter deserving respect – he’s totally entitled to act like the little shit stain that he is because he’s haaaawwwwt. After all, physical appearance and a tragic back story are the only things that matter in this world, and completely justify any horrible behavior.

Clary? CC? They say a picture’s worth a thousand words. These gifs might not be quite that many, but they do a good job of expressing my feelings toward this bullshit.

And before I forget,

Our “Heroes”: 1

Moving on.

The Inquisitor, like all Scary Sue characters, again demonstrates that she’s the only one paying attention and actually catches Alec’s little slip, and tells Maryse to send some people in to check for survivors. Maryse gets a little indignant about being told how to do her job, but acts like a fucking adult and a professional soldier and follows orders, and all without making one snarky comment.

In all seriousness, why aren’t we focusing on the adult characters?

The kids all follow along behind Maryse and the Inquisitor for… reasons… and we get a clarification on the number of Shadowhunters present – a little more than twenty. Which still leaves me wondering why they couldn’t leave a few behind to keep an eye on things. We were perfectly fine leaving Jace and the Lightwood kids to guard all of New York in the last book (Hodge doesn’t count because of magical house arrest), so why did we need twenty-plus people to investigate a single dead body?

So everyone except the kids, Maryse, and the Inquisitor head down to the Silent City, because CC has issues writing scenes with more than two or three characters. To prove this, she writes a little conversation between Maryse and the Inquisitor, with none of the kids saying a word until absolutely necessary.

Maryse wonders why anyone would kill the Silent Brothers, and the Inquisitor continues to demonstrate that she’s the only person here with a functioning brain, because she explains that, dur, whoever did it wanted something really bad. She then points out that the dead fey kid in Central Park was clearly intended to keep them all busy so no one would answer the distress call.

Maryse gets a bit indignant about this (I guess sending everyone to Central Park was her brilliant idea), and points out that a fairy kid drained of blood could lead to tensions between fairies and vampires. Which I would give her credit for, if she didn’t also refer to vampires as “the Night Children”.

You Keep Using That Word: 1

Look, CC, I get that you probably played some White Wolf games, but at least they bothered to come up with actual terms their vampires/werewolves use for themselves. They might be kind of stupid and/or pretentious, but they’re better than “[thing’s] children”.

The Inquisitor insists that all that is just a distraction (though I find it curious that it’s her being dismissive of the Downworlders – Maryse is the former Nazi Deatheater Circle member, after all), and then complements both the plan and the person behind it:

“Ingenious, really. But then he always was ingenious.”

Well, crap. I guess nothing lasts forever – the Inquisitor has fallen to CC’s dark powers.

No, this plan was not “ingenious”. It’s really rather simple, actually. But then, they say authors can only write characters as smart as they are, and since we’ve seen that the protagonists can barely think their way out of a paper bag, Valentine really is smart (if only by comparison).

Isabelle reminds everyone that she’s there by asking for clarification, and only now does Jace go, “Oh, btw, Valentine was here. And he took the –Sword of Truth- Magic Lie-detecting Sword.”

Alec calls Jace out on not mentioning this before now, which he has every right to do. Jace’s response?

“Nobody asked.”

Rapier Twit: 1

It’s been a long time, but I’m going to break this out again. I need it.

Jace, this is kind of critical information. Valentine (despite repeated demonstrations that he is a shit villain) is kind of a big deal. Everyone remember in Goblet of Fire, when Harry popped back to Howarts at the end? The first thing he did was start telling everyone “Voldemort is back”. It didn’t matter that no one believed him – Voldemort returning threatened everyone, so he got the word out. Harry didn’t wait for someone to ask what happened. So Jace? Not mentioning this before hand? Really hurts your claims of innocence.

Someone (presumably Alec, but CC doesn’t bother to specify) points out that, given that the Silent Brothers had been torn apart, Valentine couldn’t have done it on his own. So the Inquisitor points out that, herp derp, Val probably summoned some demons to help him, and with the MacGuffin Cup from the last book he can probably summon up nastier things than the Raverns and Forsaken from the last book. She does not, however, point out that it still makes no damn sense for Valentine to be summoning up demons in the first place.

Brief Aside

I’ve recently come across a good example of this kind of behavior in playing Dragon Age: Inquisition. However, it does involve some spoilers, so if you want to avoid them, just skip ahead to the end of this aside.

At an early point in the game, your character gets magically catapulted into the future. There, you learn that the Big Bad conquered the world using an army of demons. After returning to the present, you eventually learn that the Grey Wardens are the ones responsible for summoning said demon army. Now, the Wardens can get away with a lot of questionable or downright illegal stuff in the name of fighting the darkspawn, but summoning up an army of demons is a bit much. Turns out the Big Bad was using an uber-powerful fear demon to make all (or at least most) of the Wardens think they were undergoing the Calling, and so they needed to act quickly to deal with the remaining hibernating Old Gods so as to ensure no future Blights broke out.

The Wardens were desperate and afraid, but their actions still fit their motivations. Valentine’s don’t, and I don’t believe they ever will.

End Aside

Clary assumes that the Inquisitor’s comment about Ravener demons is an insult directed at her. I’m of two minds about this.

First: of course Clary immediately assumes it’s about her. Because everything in this series is either about her or Jace. Everything must tie back to one of them.

On the other hand: of course it’s an insult. Do you not remember how stupid and pathetic the Ravener demon was? It practically explained the whole plan, and then got taken down by Clary shoving a magic phone in it’s mouth. And it still managed to take her down afterwards. That’s one of the few good points I’ll give the movie – at least in that Clary manages to beat (or at least subdue) the thing through her own cleverness instead of authorial fiat. (It doesn’t help that Jace pops in and saves her anyway, but credit where due)

Jace starts talking again, and it’s mentioned that he still looks all sick and whatnot.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

And then he says this:

“But it was Valentine. I saw him. In fact, he had the Sword with him when he came down to the cells and taunted me through the bars. It was like a bad movie, except he didn’t actually twirl his mustache.”

Hey, pointing out that the villain is acting like a bad cliché is my job, buddy.

Seriously, though, when the book’s own characters (especially the author’s darlings) are pointing this kind of thing out, it’s a bad sign. CC, this isn’t you being clever – it just makes me wonder why you didn’t fix the problem.

Also, how would Jace know anything about bad movies? When and where would he have seen one? Oh, right, he knows this so he can make the joke.

Shoddy World Building: 1
Rapier Twit: 2

Clary once again points out in the narration that Jace isn’t looking too good, which might be interesting if I actually cared.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

The Inquisitor is a bit skeptical of Jace’s claims, and Maryse pushes for more information re: Valentine’s plans. Jace claims he doesn’t know anything else, but the Inquisitor doesn’t believe him. Jace says that doesn’t surprise him, and the Inquisitor doubts that any other high-ranking Shadowhunters will believe him either.

Alec protests that Jace isn’t a liar. Never mind that he somehow in living with the Lightwoods for almost a decade never saw a picture of either the actual Michael Wayland or Valentine, no one noted that he looked nothing like his alleged father, and no one pointed out that his ring was the Morgenstern crest.

Then the Inquisitor gives us a bit of good lampshade hanging:

“What’s the likelihood that Valentine stopped by his son’s cell for a paternal chat about the Soul-Sword, and didn’t mention what he planned to do with it, or even where he was going?”

Thank you, madam. You’ve almost made up for calling Valentine’s plan “ingenious”. Because this whole thing stinks like high tide, but everyone else is too enamored of Jace to point it out.

Then Jace starts quoting Dante’s Inferno (and in Italian), though thankfully not the most well-known bit. Instead, he quotes part of Guido de Montefeltro’s lines from Canto XXVII. For the curious, Guido is in the eighth circle of Hell (fraud, specifically evil or deceptive council – Ulysses is also there because of the Trojan Horse). Guido advised Pope Boniface VIII on how to deal with the Colonna family (offer forgiveness, then renege once they’re out of their fortress). The Pope absolved Guido of this sin, but in the poem Dante points out that (to quote Wikipedia) “a man cannot be contrite for a sin at the same time that he is intending to commit it”.

And no, I have no idea what this has to do with what Jace is going through. I’m pretty sure it’s just to show how amazing he is for having read Dante in Italian.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

The Inquisitor notes the reference, and then says that Jace is going to wish he were in hell if he lies to the Clave. I would wonder why any Shadowhunter would have read the Divine Comedy, considering it was published in the early 14th century, but then I remember that CC doesn’t know history.

Shoddy World Building: 2

Then the Inquisitor points out that it’s awfully convenient that Valentine just happened to show up and steal their magic lie-detecting sword the night before Jace was to be put on trial. Jace argues that Valentine took the sword for his own reasons, but the Inquisitor says it’s still convenient for them both, since now there’s no risk of Jace telling them any of Valentine’s secrets. And Jace responds with this:

“Yeah,” Jace said, “he’s terrified I’ll tell everyone that he’s always really wanted to be a ballerina.” The Inquisitor simply stared at him. “I don’t know any of my father’s secrets,” he said, less sharply. “He never told me anything.”

First, this.

Rapier Twit: 3

Look, Jace, I get that you don’t believe you know anything that might be of use here. I understand. However, you can’t tell me that after living with the guy for years you didn’t learn anything that could be helpful here.

And your steadfast refusal to cooperate isn’t doing you any favors. What happened to “oh, I’ll totally face the magic lie-detecting sword” attitude from back in chapter three? Or is it that the Inquisitor is treating you like a suspect instead of coddling you like everyone else that’s got you acting like this? You haven’t exactly gone out of your way to endear yourself to the Inquisitor, you know.

Anyway, the Inquisitor straight-up asks why Valentine would take the sword in the first place, and Clary not-so-helpfully points out that it’s one of the Mortal Instruments and super powerful, as if that’s reason enough. So the Inquisitor points out that the sword doesn’t really do anything that might help Valentine. Nice to see someone note that a sword that detects lies is about as useful as Super Friends era Aquaman.

Mayrse suggests that the theft might be intended to hurt Shadowhunter morale, rather than Valentine wanting the sword. Which is actually a good point – and in a good book, that might actually be Valentine’s motivation. But this is not a good book.

Again, why are we focusing on the kids when the adults are doing the interesting things?

But CC gets bored with this, so Jace collapses, giving Clary and Alec a chance to fawn over him a bit.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4

Jace insists that he’s fine, but Alec says he’s not. The Inquisitor assumes he just needs a magical band-aid, and “[looks] as if she were exquisitely annoyed at Jace for being injured during events of such importance,” which I’m sure we’re supposed to view as proof that she’s a heartless bitch or something, but that would require me to actually like Jace, which I don’t. Is the Inquisitor’s behavior a bit cold? Yes, but Snape was worse, and people loved him.

Alec explains that they already tried their pitiful healing spell, and it’s put forth that Jace might have been demonically poisoned. The Inquisitor takes my side from the last chapter and figures Jace is faking it and that he should just be locked up again, but no one’s listening to her. Alec insists that Jace needs help, but the Inquisitor doesn’t like the idea of taking Jace to a normal hospital.

Wait, isn’t Alec supposed to be the racist one?

Never mind. No, Alec’s suggestion is to take Jace to Magnus Bane. Isabelle responds to this by “[making] a sound somewhere between a sneeze and a cough,” which I’m not sure how you do. Alec starts to explain who Magnus is, including that he’s the High Warlock of Brooklyn. Given that I’m fairly certain that Magnus gave himself that title, it’s worth less than my Red Robin Red Royalty card, because that at least gets me free food.

Maryse starts to say that Magnus has a reputation, but Alec points out that Magnus did heal him after he got his ass handed to him by that Greater Demon in the last book (I may be paraphrasing).

The Inquisitor is against the whole thing, saying that Alec just wants to help Jace escape. Isabelle counters that Jace clearly isn’t healthy enough to try that (completely ignoring the possibility that he might be faking it), and Alec says that even if Jace did try to run, Magnus would stop him, because *“[Magnus is] not interested in crossing the Clave.”

Wow, that’s almost as good as the bit of Jace and Isabelle never dating because they’re like siblings. I won’t spoil anything, but we’ll see just how little Magnus cares about pissing off the Clave later.

The Inquisitor is still skeptical that Magnus could contain Jace (giving a nice sentiment of Shadowhunter superiority which I so don’t need from her), and Alec suggests she ask Magnus if she’s so curious.

Yeah, turns out he’s been standing around eavesdropping the whole time. Why is he here? Why didn’t he show himself sooner? Who cares – CC sure doesn’t. He saunters in dressed like a knock-off Liberace, and I will say, despite how I know I’m going to come to hate Magnus soon, he does manage to endear himself to me here. Mostly because this is his reaction:

“Is he [Jace] dead?” [Magnus] inquired. “He looks dead.”
“No,” snapped Maryse. “He’s not dead.”
“Have you checked? I could kick him if you want.”

And as much as I’m all for kicking Jace while he’s down, the Inquisitor steps in and is all business. She agrees to let Magnus heal Jace, but says that Jace has to remain locked up, as he’s “clearly a flight risk.”

Shoddy World Building: 3

CC, could you please decide how much the Shadowhunters know about mundane society? Because as near as I can tell, it’s “however much is convenient at the time”, which is a shit answer.

The Inquisitor’s statement causes Isabelle to explode, making me wonder once again why Clary’s here. Isabelle says that the Inquisitor is acting like Jace tried to escape the Silent City, at which the Inquisitor points out that Jace is out of his cell. And I think you guys need to see this next bit.

“That’s not fair! You couldn’t have expected him to stay down there surrounded by dead people!”
“Not fair? Not fair? Do you honestly expect me to believe that you and your brother were motivated to come to the Bone City because of a distress call, and not because you wanted to free Jonathan from what you clearly consider unnecessary confinement? And do you expect me to believe you won’t try to free him again if he’s allowed to remain at the Institute? Do you think you can fool me as easily as you fool your parents, Isabelle Lightwood?”

And with that, the Inquisitor has redeemed herself. Because that is precisely why they came – at no point did they look for survivors, or try to figure out what was going on. They went straight for Jace’s cell to get him out. The distress call was a convenient excuse.

My only problem with this is that it’s Isabelle who starts it. Clary’s the one who’s been acting like a child this whole time, insisting that the Inquisitor is just being mean and punishing Jace for no reason. Isabelle and Alec were the one’s who were acting mature. But I guess we can’t have the –author’s self-insert- heroine acting like a petulant little child, because that would be a flaw, and the heroine can’t have any flaws.

And one last thing.

Our “Heroes”: 2

We’re almost done guys, I promise.

Isabelle almost continues her tantrum, but Magnus interrupts, saying that he can keep Jace at his apartment. The Inquisitor asks Alec if Magnus understands how important a witness Jace is, referring to Magnus as “your warlock”. Alec’s response to say that Magnus isn’t his, while also blushing, because CC fails at subtlety.

Magnus says that he’s done this kind of thing before, and has a very good record. And if he’s treated other such “guests” the same way he treats Jace, I wonder why anyone would still trust him. And for some reason, he gives Maryse a lingering look, but I don’t care enough to find an explanation.

The Inquisitor agrees, and Magnus walks over to Jace (wait, where were they in relation to him? And did Clary leave Jace, or has she been kneeling over him this whole time?), and asks Clary if Jace can talk.

Jace wakes up just enough to asks what Magnus is doing here, and Magnus smiles at him, with teeth “[sparkling] like sharpened diamonds”

You Keep Using That Word: 2

and ends the chapter with this:

“Hey, roommate,” he said.

Honestly, I have to wonder why all this somehow merited being a chapter all its own – nothing really happened. The closest we came to actual plot progression was trying to figure out what Valentine would want with the MacGuffin Sword, but that got sidelined to focus on Jace. The real “resolution” here was making sure Jace was no longer locked up by the mean old Inquisitor, because for some reason dealing with her is somehow more important than finding and stopping Valentine, probably because the Inquisitor had the nerve to be mean to Jace. There’s a trope for that sort of thing – Protagonist-Centered Morality. Which is generally a bad thing.

But this also brings part one of the book to a close. Given that there are three parts (not including the prologue and epilogue), it seems fair to say that the first “act” of the book has ended. So what all’s happened? Not a whole damn lot. Especially given that the first two chapters served absolutely no purpose whatsoever. Yes, Valentine has at least put in an appearance, and we know for a fact that he has a Sinister Plan^TM^ that involves killing and draining the blood of Downworlder children (which I’m sure he considers to be a bonus).

There’s just one problem – no one (or at least no one we’ll be following) cares. The Inquisitor shrugging off the death of that fairy kid as just a distraction could have been used to demonstrate how cold and obsessed she is, giving the reader a real reason to dislike her. Except back in chapter two we saw Jace actively ignoring a similar incident. He didn’t even care that the poor werewolf kid had been murdered; at least the Inquisitor took an interest in the fairy kid’s murder. So why am I supposed to praise Jace while his behavior is actually worse than the new Designated Villain? And again, him being attractive, having a ‘tragic’ back story, and having hurt feelings don’t excuse this kind of thing.

Argh.

Well, that’s it for me. Next time, we begin part two, with Chapter 8: The Seelie Court. See you all then.

Counts

Entirely Pointless: 0 (Total: 25)
Un-Logic: 0 (Total: 18)
You Keep Using That Word: 2 (Total: 29)
Shoddy World Building: 3 (Total: 17)
Rapier Twit: 3 (Total: 26)
Our “Heroes”: 2 (Total: 44)
No Shit Sherlock: 2 (Total: 6)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 4 (Total: 29)
A Word from Our Sponsors: 1 (Total: 3)

Comment [20]

Hello gentles, and welcome to the next installment of my sporking of City of Ashes. Sorry it’s taken so long, but I just finished another semester of grad school, so things were a bit hectic. But now that I’m done (and my summer class doesn’t start until June), I can devote more time to other things.

Like tearing this book apart.

So, last time Jace got placed under house arrest, but instead of sending him back to the Institute, where he can be watched 24/7, the Inquisitor decided to put him in the care of Magnus Bane. Because apparently he’s “trustworthy”.

Yeah, we’ll see why that was a biiiig mistake very soon.

But first, we have to check out the introduction to part two.

Part two is called The Gates of Hell. And while appropriate in a way (I certainly feel like I’m about to pass through Hell), again, I don’t think it makes all that much sense.

And remember in the last chapter when I gave CC a little credit for not using the most over-quoted bit from Dante’s Inferno? Whelp, she decided to piss that little good faith away with this part’s quote:

Before me things created were none, save things
Eternal, and eternal I endure.
All hope abandon, ye who enter here.
—Dante, Inferno

Yep. The inscription above the gates of Hell. Or rather, part of it. At the beginning of a section called “The Gates of Hell”. Once again, I’ll let Gandalf field this one:

And a little credit where due, because at least CC quoted more than just the last line. For those curious, here’s two translations of the full inscription, courtesy of Wikiquote:

Through me you go to the grief wracked city;
Through me you go to everlasting pain;
Through me you go a pass among lost souls.
Justice inspired my exalted Creator:
I am a creature of the Holiest Power,
of Wisdom in the Highest and of Primal Love.
Nothing till I was made was made,
only eternal beings. And I endure eternally.
Abandon all hope — Ye Who Enter Here

Through me the way to the suffering city;
Through me the everlasting pain;
Through me the way that runs among the Lost.
Justice urged on my exalted Creator:
Divine Power made me,
The Supreme Wisdom and the Primal Love.
Nothing was made before me but eternal things
And I endure eternally.
Abandon all hope – You Who Enter Here.

And I’m sure you can find plenty more elsewhere.

I also note that CC failed to note precisely where in Inferno this quote is taken from. It’s a long work, so that kind of citation might be helpful. (It’s the beginning of Canto III, for the curious).

Then again, CC didn’t feel the need to cite where in Julius Caesar she pulled her series title from, so I guess I should adjust my expectations.

On the other hand, CC did work as a journalist. You’d think she’d have learned to properly cite her sources. But again, she did work mostly for tabloids and entertainment magazines, so maybe that explains things.

(And on a side note, I’m really annoyed that of all Dante Alighieri’s works, the only one anyone really quotes is Inferno. Not even the two other parts of his Divine Comedy. But I guess Purgatorio and Paradiso aren’t quite as interesting.)

But enough dawdling, it’s time to get to the chapter proper.

So, chapter eight begins with a dream sequence from Clary.

Because why not?

So in the dream, Clary’s a little kid, and walking along the beach near Coney Island. There’s some not-terrible description of the setting, and we suddenly learn that Clary’s wearing pajamas. Like you do.

And then she sees her mom. Jocelyn is working on a sand castle, and asks if Clary’s come to help. Clary says she’s missed Jocelyn, and Jocelyn reminds Clary that she isn’t dead, just in a coma. Even Clary’s subconscious realizes that she sucks at being a daughter.

Our “Heroes”: 1

So Clary asks how she’s supposed to fix that. Well, Clary, since you apparently gave up after your plan of “bring Jace, the child that Jocelyn hasn’t seen in almost two decades, to talk to her” didn’t pan out, I’d say you have plenty of options open. But for starters, I’d go with actually visiting your comatose mother.

Then Jocelyn stares out to sea for a bit, asks Clary for her arm, and draws a magic tattoo on it with a piece of driftwood she’d been holding. When Clary asks what it does, Jocelyn just says that it’ll protect her. And instead of clarifying further (because answering questions is for plebs), they instead watch as they get hit by a tsunami.

Clary wakes up, and if you guessed that she’d actually have the magic mark on her skin, then congratulations – you’re able to predict trite clichés.

Good lord, one scene in and I’m already sick of this crap.

But nevertheless, I shall soldier on.

Clary goes to the kitchen and finds a note from Luke saying that he’s gone to the hospital yet again. Does this, combined with her dream, inspire Clary to visit her mother?

Pfft, nope. She’s got plans. And besides, it’s not like Jocelyn’s going anywhere.

Our “Heroes”: 2

So instead of being a good daughter, Clary goes to meet Simon. He’s not where he said he’d be waiting for her, so Clary looks in a record store (good lord, do those even exist anymore?) where he sometimes hangs out. And in a surprising display of maturity, Clary doesn’t get mad at Simon.

I should not be pleased when characters act their age instead of their shoe size.

But this is another one of those moments where CC demonstrates that she’s not just some hack who stumbled into a writing career (insert a joke about the author of your choice here). The dialogue doesn’t sound stilted. They actually talk like two friends who have known each other for years. Why does CC insist on writing YA urban fantasy when she could do non-genre fiction instead? She could have been John Green before there was a John Green!

Anyway, we get another update in the continuing saga of Simon’s band, a much more interesting story than anything else in this book or the preceding volume. In this case, one of his band-mates wants to change the name of the band to Mojo Pie, rather than their current name, Champagne Enema. Clary thinks they should change the name.

See, even if this is just a running joke, at least it’s actually funny.

There’s also a bit about Clary knowing what Simon’s shirt means (a guy in headphones dancing with a chicken – and no, I don’t get it either), which Simon doubts, because Clary’s “a good girl.” Yeah, tell that to her mom in the coma.

Clary brings up Simon not being where he said he’d be, and he apologizes, which leads to Clary apologizing for freaking out. Which is odd, because from my perspective, she didn’t freak out at all. Her reaction was feeling, and I quote, “a faint tug of anxiety” before remembering the record store. For that, I’m giving Clary’s reaction (or lack thereof) one of these:

Our “Heroes”: 3

Though I guess it shouldn’t be surprising – I mean, it’s only Simon, after all. Now if it had been Jace, Clary would have had a panic attack and considered calling up the National Guard or something.

Anyway, this leads to Simon justifying Clary’s “anxiety”, which I suppose is good, because at least they aren’t ignoring what happened. Although, they do act like Clary & co. were in the middle of the attack on the Silent City, rather than just passing through in the aftermath. And apparently Luke was none-too-happy to learn that Clary was their, but not enough to actually punish her for it. No, he’s too busy being the devoted love-interest to Clary’s mom to bother being Clary’s parental figure, despite apparently being her legal guardian. But I guess that would be inconvenient.

Un-Logic: 1

They go to a park, Clary looks around at people doing normal park stuff, and this happens:

Everything changes in my life, and the world stays the same, Clary thought.

I’d say that’s profound, but I’m not really sure what should be taken from it. I mean, it could be Clary realizing that all the drama in her life only really matters to her, or some take on the whole “sadder but wiser” thing, but I honestly don’t know, because that sentence doesn’t seem to connect to anything else.

It’s at this point that we learn that some indeterminate amount of time has passed between the end of the previous chapter and now. I assume this because Simon brings up Clary talking to Jace, which she hasn’t done, but she has been in touch with Isabelle and Alec, though only to get updates on Jace.

And it’s only now that we learn they’re going to visit Jace at Magnus’s place. Why we weren’t told this earlier, I don’t know. It can’t be to build suspense, because there’s nothing suspenseful about this situation. Simon asks if Jace (or Alec, or some other guy, because pronouns are confusing) asked to see Clary, to which she responds that “He doesn’t have to ask.” Which A) doesn’t answer the question, and B) doesn’t explain why they’re going on this little conjugal visit in the first place. Because why bother explaining things?

So they go to Magnus’s place, and Alec is waiting outside for them. He also has a “don’t look here” spell on, which he wouldn’t need if he dressed like a normal person instead of wearing an obviously suspicious trench coat. Just saying, anonymity is better than invisibility, if only because it’s easier.

Alec is none too pleased that Clary brought Simon along, and refers to him as “the mundane”. Because we must be reminded at all times that Shadowhunters are racist pricks.

Our “Heroes”: 4

Though at least it’s not capitalized for no reason, and Simon does get a halfway decent comeback in, so that’s nice:

“That’s what I like about you people,” said Simon. “You always make me feel so welcome.”

And since it’s only Alec being a prick, Clary stands up for Simon, pointing out that Simon’s already been to Magnus’s place. So after Alec gives “a theatrical sight,” they head up. Alec also has a key to the apartment, because again, CC sucks at subtlety. The apartment itself is described as looking like “an empty nightclub […] during off hours”. I’d say that the later makes the descriptor “empty” unnecessary, as I imagine most facilities (nightclub or otherwise) tend to be pretty empty when closed.

You Keep Using That Word: 1

It also leads me to wonder if Magnus does anything besides throw big parties, because that’s the only excuse I can come up with for his place being such a mess. Seriously, dude, you’re an adult – clean your shit up. Also, it seems that the big party from the last book happened sometime the previous week, further screwing with the timeline of these books.

Magnus sweeps in (no, not my choice of words) wearing what I suppose is an outfit intended to remind everyone that he’s gay (or bi, or whatever he’s supposed to be) – long green dressing gown, mesh shirt, and jeans. He greets them, referring to Alec as his darling, Clary by name, and Simon as “rat-boy”. I’m tempted to give him a racism point for not remembering the name of the mundane, but that is probably the only memorable part of their previous encounter. Not that Simon’s happy about it.

Clary explains that they’ve come to visit Jace, and asks if Jace is okay. To which Magnus gives this response:

“I don’t know,” Magnus said. “Does he normally just lie on the floor like that without moving?”
“What—,” Alec began, and broke off as Magnus laughed. “That’s not funny.”

Yeah, I’m gonna have to agree with you there, Alec.

Rapier Twit: 1

Especially because Magnus’s defense is that he just wanted to tease Alec. Which is totally how you should treat someone you’re dating. (Yeah, spoilers – the only two non-heteronormative characters have hooked up, in case you hadn’t figured that out by now.) Also, that gets you one of these, Magnus:

Our “Heroes”: 5

And I’ll admit that I kind of liked Magnus in the last book, if only because he very clearly didn’t give a shit about the main characters’ problems, unlike just about everyone else. But, since so many of CC’s fans liked him so much, she decided to bring him back, leading to her developing him as a character. And apparently CC is like SMeyer in developing side-characters – it never leads to good things.

Moving on, Magnus says that Jace is fine, and we come to the reason CC described the apartment as being such a mess. You see, Magnus is really sloppy, and Jace is obsessive about cleaning. That’s right – CC decided to make them into an Odd Couple. Because that’s what this series needs. Clary (of course) defends Jace’s behavior by saying that he “likes things neat” while thinking back to his room back at the Institute.

First, that’s less “liking things neat” and more OCD. Second, why is Clary, who’s only spent a few days with Jace, defending him instead of Alec, who’s lived with Jace for years? It’s like CC forgot that Clary only recently learned that Jace was her brother, rather than having lived with him her whole life.

Magnus leads them to the den, where Jace is “sprawled” in an armchair watching TV. And I don’t think CC knows what “sprawl” means, so let’s see what dictionary.com has to say:

sprawl
verb (used without object)
1. to be stretched or spread out in an unnatural or ungraceful manner:
The puppy’s legs sprawled in all directions.
2. to sit or lie in a relaxed position with the limbs spread out carelessly or ungracefully:
He sprawled across the bed.
3. to spread out, extend, or be distributed in a straggling or irregular manner, as vines, buildings, handwriting, etc.
verb (used with object)
5. to stretch out (the limbs) as in sprawling.
6. to spread out or distribute in a straggling manner.

Notice a general trend? Yeah, doesn’t exactly fit with the neat-freak image CC just tried to shove down our throats. However, it does fit with my mental image of Jace – arrogant, lazy, pampered, and full of himself.

So that gets one of these:

You Keep Using That Word: 2

So Jace, being the ungrateful little shit that he is, complains that, despite all his magical mojo, all Magnus’s TV gets are reruns. However, it does lead into this nice bit between Magnus and Simon:

“Also, TiVo accomplishes much the same thing,” pointed out Simon.
“My way is cheaper.” Magnus clapped his hands together and the room was suddenly flooded with light. Jace, slumped in the chair, raised an arm to cover his face. “Can you do that without magic?”
“Actually,” said Simon, “yes. If you watched infomercials, you’d know that.”

I’d say this was CC trying to pull and example of Muggles Do It Better, but that would require her to A) accept that Muggles (sorry, “mundanes”) actually can accomplish things on their own, and B) acknowledge the possibility that “mundanes” could, in any way, be superior to Shadowhunters or any other magical race. And we all know that ain’t happenin’.

Clary intervenes and tells Jace they’re here to plan out there next move. Jace says he wants to watch Project Runway. I have two thoughts about this. First, the whole thing with Jace sitting on his ass watching TV has me once again wondering how much Shadowhunters know about mundane society.

Shoddy World Building: 1

Second, I’m actually a bit conflicted about the reactions to this situation. On the one hand, the kids are having the opposite reactions that they should have – Jace, being the accused party, should want to prove his innocence, while the others, certain that he is innocent, should be telling him to sit back, relax, and let the Inquisitor do her job. But on the other hand, by staying out of it, Jace can’t make things any worse for him.

But never mind that – we have “plot” to get to. Magnus insists Jace get off his ass, and turns the TV off with a snap of his fingers. Then this happens:

“Suddenly you’re interested in solving my problems?”
“I’m interested in getting my apartment back. I’m tired of you cleaning all the time.” Magnus snapped his fingers again, menacingly. “Get up.”
“Or you’ll be the next one to go up in smoke,” said Simon with relish.
“There’s no need to clarify my finger snap,” said Magnus. “The implication was clear in the snap itself.”

First, this:

Rapier Twit: 2

Magnus, as happy as I am that you apparently have ulterior and selfish motives for helping Jace, how is that implied by snapping your fingers? How can anything be implied by snapping your fingers? It’s only ‘clear’ because Simon said it. That’s not how implying things works.

And Simon, don’t be like that. I like you, dude, but that kind of behavior is beneath you.

So Jace gets up, and for some reason now told that he still has a minor bruise on his wrist.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Yeah, still not caring.

So they all head to the living room (you know, despite previously being described as “unexpectedly small,” there seems to be quite a bit of space in this apartment), were Magnus summons up an antique table and chairs. This leads to what could have been an interesting discussion, but only ends with making Simon the butt of a joke:

“That’s amazing,” Clary said, sliding into a chair. It was surprisingly comfortable. “How can you create something out of nothing like that?”
“You can’t,” said Magnus. “Everything comes from somewhere. These come from an antiques reproduction store on Fifth Avenue, for instance. And these”— suddenly five white waxed paper cups appeared on the table, steam rising gently from the holes in their plastic lids—“come from Dean & DeLuca on Broadway.”
“That seems like stealing, doesn’t it?” Simon pulled a cup toward him. He drew the lid back. “Ooh. Mochaccino.” He looked at Magnus. “Did you pay for these?”
“Sure,” said Magnus, while Jace and Alec snickered. “I make dollar bills magically appear in their cash register.”
“Really?”
“No.” Magnus popped the lid off his own coffee. “But you can pretend I did if it makes you feel better.”

Rapier Twit: 3

And you were so close that time, CC – if only you’d resisted the urge to further shit on Simon, that could have been somewhat funny. Say, like this:

“Ooh. Mochaccino.” He looked at Magnus. “Did you pay for these?”
“Sure,” said Magnus, “if it makes you feel better.”

Because not only does this not make Simon look like a rube, it also doesn’t make Alec, Jace, and Magnus look like dicks for finding this so amusing. Which reminds me,

Our “Heroes”: 7

One for laughing at the stupid mundie, and another for another “charming” trait to add to Magnus’s character sheet – steals stuff whenever he feels like it.

Clary doesn’t say anything, because Jace is now here and she’ll never contradict him, but decides to drop a dollar in the tip jar at some point to make up for it. Because that’ll totally cover the cost of five cups of coffee that’ll probably get pulled from one or more employee’s salary for the day.

Our “Heroes”: 8

Also, doing a bit of poking around online, Dean & DeLuca is a real place, and CC even got the address right. Except it’s not a coffee shop – it’s a high-class grocery store. The only explanation I can come up with for CC thinking it’s a coffee shop is because the TV show Felicity used the same name for one.

Even if they do have a coffee shop inside, it just makes Clary’s whole “dollar in the tip jar” thing even stupider.

Moving on, Clary and Alec manage to get Jace to explain what happened in the Silent City. When Jace hesitates, Alec puts a hand on his shoulder, which elicits a negative response from Magnus, and Alec lowering his hand and blushing. Because god forbid Alec attempt to comfort his clearly disturbed friend. So let’s add “possessive and jealous” to Magnus’s list of attractive traits.

Our “Heroes”: 9

Wow, I’m really raking those up, aren’t I? And for some reason, CC has Simon grinning like an idiot at this. Because she must destroy any sympathy her readers have for Simon, otherwise they might start thinking that Clary’s better off with him, and we can’t have that!

Magnus asks the same question I was asking for the past several chapters – where the hell were the adult Shadowhunters? And we also learn that the previous chapter(s) took place the previous night, further making me wonder why Luke didn’t ground Clary’s ass or make her come to the hospital with him. Looks like he’s as good at being a parental figure as he is at leading a pack of werewolves.

So Alec explains about the dead faerie kid in the park, and mentions that all the kid’s blood had been drained, which leads Jace to make this comment:

“I bet the Inquisitor thinks I did that, too,” said Jace. “My reign of terror continues.”

Please, Jace – didn’t that happen after you were locked up? Even the Inquisitor, as crazy as you seem to think she is, isn’t that obsessed.

Also, way to make the death of an innocent child all about you, you self-centered prick.

This causes Magnus to kind of freak out, because he goes to stare out the window and talk about a weird dream he had a few nights ago about a city of blood and bone. Which does lead to a bit that made me smile:

Simon slewed his eyes over to Jace. “Is standing by the window muttering about blood something he does all the time?”
“No,” said Jace, “sometimes he sits on the couch and does it.”

See, now that’s actually kind of funny, because what Magnus is doing is legitimately weird, and the characters are treating it as such. CC, how do you not realize what makes this work, and having one of your main characters constantly say nasty things about other, more likeable characters, doesn’t?

Alec isn’t amused by this, and asks Magnus what’s up. Magnus explains what we, the audience, already know – two other young Downworlders killed in similar ways over the past week, and that it’s unlikely to be a coincidence. Interesting how no one seems to have taken this information to the Shadowhunters, or even made them aware of the other murders. It’s almost as if the Downworlders don’t trust them.

Okay, since when does Magnus get psychic dreams? Is everybody going to have those now? You get a psychic dream! And you get a psychic dream! Psychic dreams for everyone! [/Oprah]

Also, it’s apparently sunset. Which is odd, as I’d gotten the impression that Clary went to meet Simon after getting up, and I had assumed was earlier in the day, especially since she seemed so happy to have some coffee to drink, and was eating a Danish when she went to meet Simon. CC, would it kill you to mention the actual time every now and then? I know when I wake up, one of the first things I do is look at a clock to see what time it is.

Anyway, Simon says that it looks like vampires are behind the murders, but Jace puts that idea down. Not with a rational argument, like “vampires don’t cut their victim’s throats”, but rather that Raphael (the head vampire, remember?) said it wasn’t and was very sure of it. Also, he refers to vampires as “Night Children”.

You Keep Using That Word: 3

Stop doing that, CC. It’ll never not sound stupid.

Simon nicely sums up my reaction to Jace’s defense of Raphael:

“Yeah, ’cause he’s trustworthy,” muttered Simon.

Magnus backs Jace up, saying that there was “a strong demonic presence” at both the other murders. Again, why hasn’t anyone told the Shadowhunters? I mean, don’t they have weird tricorder/HAM-radio/cellphone thingies that detect demon energy? This information would nicely exonerate the vampires, and ease tension between Downworlder factions – something you’d think Shadowhunters would be all for. Assuming they don’t secretly want all the Downworlder scum dead, that is.

Magnus also concludes that Valentine’s responsible. And I could go into how Valentine working with/using demons makes absolutely no sense given his apparent motivation and goals, but I’m eleven pages into this sporking, and there’s waaaay too much of this chapter left for that.

Jace asks why Valentine would do that (really? Are you seriously defending Valentine?), and CC remembers that Clary’s actually in the scene. You might forgive her forgetting that, seeing as how Clary’s been content to sit and just observe things for the past few pages. She points out that the Inquisitor did say that the faerie kid’s murder might have been a diversion to let Valentine get into the Silent City.

Jace says that there are easier ways to distract the adult Shadowhunters, and that pissing off faeries is generally a bad idea. Yes, he is, in fact, defending his father, a man known for attempting to incite a genocidal race war. Stockholm syndrome really is a bitch.

Our “Heroes”: 10

Magnus says that Valentine wanted the kids’ blood, and looks through a book he grabbed from his room. He explains that the book is written in another demon language, Purgatic, which makes me wonder just how many demon languages there are. Not that it matters, as the page also has a nice convenient drawing of the MacGuffin Sword on it, which everyone recognizes, even Clary, despite having only seen the thing once.

Magnus explains that the book describes the “Ritual of Infernal Conversion”, and that Valentine intends to make the MacGuffin Sword evil. Apparently all magic objects in this universe have an “alliance”, the Shadowhunter’s not-lightsabers are “seraphic” and draw their power from angels, that the MacGuffin Sword draws power directly from “the Angel”, and that this ritual will switch the MacGuffin Sword to being demonic instead.

You Keep Using That Word: 4

CC, there are many angels, and they each have a name. You just explained that. You can’t single one out as being “the Angel” because “Angel” isn’t a title.

Also, despite learning this, who wants to bet that Jace is still going to be agnostic/atheist?

And how will this ritual actually help Valentine? The MacGuffin Sword is pretty useless, apart from simply being a sword – how will switching it from “good” to “evil” help?

Then CC decides to shit on Simon for no reason with this:

“Lawful good to lawful evil!” said Simon, pleased.
“He’s quoting Dungeons and Dragons,” said Clary. “Ignore him.”

First, fuck you, CC, for treating something your target demographic might be interested in like it’s stupid, yet again. You’re perfectly willing to “let your geek flag fly” when it suits you, but not enough to alienate the “cool kids”.

Also, I feel it necessary to point out that, since D&D 3.0/3.5 used a two-axis alignment system (good/neutral/evil, and lawful/neutral/chaotic, resulting in a 3X3 grid), the reverse of lawful good would be chaotic evil. As can easily be seen in any number of the D&D alignment chart memes. Here’s a general one:

Here’s one using characters from Game of Thrones:

Hell, here’s one using characters from Disney movies:

“Lawful Evil” means you exploit the system to your own benefit – you’ll twist and use any loop-hole you can find, but still follow the rules, if only to the letter. “Chaotic Evil”, on the other hand, means you ignore the rules and do whatever the hell you want.

If you’re going to reference D&D, CC, at least get it right.

[adjusts geek hat]

So. Moving on, Magnus points out that, even if Valentine manages to cast Align Weapon (yes, I’m just as surprised as you that that’s an actual spell in D&D) on the MacGuffin sword, he wouldn’t be able to do much with it. A statement which is immediately refuted, as doing so would grant Valentine the ability to summon up an army of demons.

For some reason.

You’d think that if the sword could do that in Evil Mode, it’d be able to summon up an army of angels in Good Mode. But no – apparently it’s like in RPGs, when characters you beat up join you suddenly aren’t nearly as tough as they previously were, only backwards. (I know there’s a trope for that, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it’s called)

Simon points out that Valentine has a thing for armies. Magnus postulates that Valentine will use said demon army to attack Shadowhunter Land. Simon asks why, as the Shadowhunters would just kill them all, but Jace points out that they have no hard numbers on how many demons exist, so Valentine could just go all Zapp Brannigan on Idris and win through attrition. Also, we once again get the mention that in this setting, demons come from other dimensions, not Hell, thus raising the question of how they can have a uniform moral alignment and why they’re always treated as being evil.

Shoddy World Building: 2

This leads Clary to remember the big nasty demon from the last book, and how facing hundreds or thousands like it would be terrifying. But not how Simon came in and saved all their asses, I note.

Now we get to why Valentine’s been killing Downworlder kids and draining them of their blood – this ritual of his requires him to heat the sword to red-hot, then cool it in blood taken from children of each race of Downworlders – warlocks, werewolves, vampires, and faeries. So much for that “all myths are true” crap from last book.

Shoddy World Building: 3

Also, Magnus refers to each as a “child of [something]”, which is both annoying and stupid.

You Keep Using That Word: 8

One for each.

Clary actually freaks out about this, and says that Valentine is going to kill another kid. Magnus clarifies that he actually needs to kill two kids, since he didn’t get any blood from the werewolf kid, and might already be summoning up demons. Not that Jace appears to be bothered by the fact that instead of capturing his genocidal psychopath of a father, he decided to use a pack of innocent werewolves as his literal emotional punching bags.

Our “Heroes”: 11

No, instead Jace points out how, if Valentine’s summoning more demons, then demonic activity would be on the rise, when in fact it’s the opposite. Of course, that assumes that Valentine is up demons in the first place. But instead of pointing that out, Magnus concludes that Valentine’s “calling _all the demons to him._” Because that makes much more sense.

Un-Logic: 3

For both Jace and Magnus assuming that Valentine must be summoning demons right now, as opposed to the equally (or possibly more) likely scenario that he’s not doing that at all. I swear, Occam’s razor would blow these characters’ tiny little minds.

They all sit in silence at this “revelation”, until Alec’s cellphone goes off, which causes Clary to spill her coffee. It’s Alec’s mom, and he goes off to answer, and the reason for Clary to scald herself is revealed – so Simon and Jace can get into a pissing contest over her. Simon kisses the burn to make it better, causing Jace to get mad and try to force Clary to use magic to heal it (dude, she spilled hot coffee on her wrist – that might require some ice). Clary refuses, which Simon claims as a victory, and Jace mocks his “comeback”.

Alec comes back at this point, and asks what’s happening, and we get a somewhat clever comment from Magnus:

“We seem to be trapped in an episode of One Life to Waste,” Magnus observed. “It’s all very dull.”

My sentiments precisely, Magnus. Seriously, CC, how is it you can write comments like that while still thinking that people are interested in your Teen Drama Crap?

Anyway, Alec explains that he told his mom about Valentine’s plan, and Jace assumes she both didn’t believe Alec and blamed him (Jace) for this whole mess, because he’s an immature, self-centered prick. Thankfully, Alec shoots that idea down by saying that, while Maryse didn’t entirely buy it, she will bring it to the Inquisitor, who has apparently taken control of this situation. Which actually makes sense, seeing as she’s the highest-ranking person here, and Maryse’s former relationship with Valentine makes her a liability, but I’m sure CC intends to be viewed as the Inquisitor just being a bully and throwing her weight around. Then Alec gets a call from Isabelle and has to leave again. How… convenient? Sure, let’s go with that.

Jace then agrees that the attack at the Hunter’s Moon probably was Valentine, yet again ignoring everything else that happened, as well as the fact that Jace is now arguably responsible for the murders of up to three innocent Downworlder kids (the faerie kid, and the vampire and werewolf kids to come), which could easily have been prevented if he’d just gotten off his ass and done his job. Because since Jace didn’t/doesn’t know them, they’re not real to him, because Jace is a sociopath.

Our “Heroes”: 12

I will let this go when someone actually bothers to address how Jace’s behavior was bad, and not a moment before.

Since Valentine got chased off from the dead werewolf like Voldemort and the unicorn in PS/SS, Magnus reiterates that Valentine will need to kill another werewolf. And only now does Clary realize that telling Luke, the leader of a whole pack of werewolves, might be a good idea.

Our “Heroes”: 13

But before Clary can actually do something useful for once, Alec pops back in to drop the next plot-point – the Queen of the Seelie Court wants to see them. An announcement which leads to this bit:

“Sure,” said Magnus. “And Madonna wants me as a backup dancer on her next world tour.”
Alec looked puzzled. “Who’s Madonna?”

Rapier Twit: 4
Shoddy World Building: 4

Because I’m not sure whether it’s supposed to be funny that Alec doesn’t know who Madonna is because he’s too young or because he’s a Shadowhunter. Not that it’s funny either way, and mostly feels like CC is showing her age.

Clary is actually moderately useful and asks who the Queen of the Seelie Court is. Magnus explains that she’s the ruler of the local faeries. And you know what? I’m okay with there being multiple Seelie and Unseelie rulers. And if you want to know the difference, look it up on Wikipedia.

Jace doesn’t like the idea, and he and Alec go back and forth on this for a bit. Jace says that Isabelle’s ideas generally fall into two categories – brilliant or idiotic – and mentions an incident of them attempting to use abandoned subway tunnels to move around the city. Why they’d do this, I don’t know, since they can and have been shown using the regular subway. I’m just going to assume it’s a Noodle Incident and move on.

Alec says that Isabelle knows a knight in the Seelie Court, who told Isabelle that the Queen wants to meet them, and after overhearing the conversation between Alec and Maryse, figures that if they tell the Seelie Queen, she might help them out. Which makes sense, but I still fail to see why she wants to see them, other than for reasons that will become clear later in the chapter.

Clary asks if it’s dangerous, and Jace actually reacts how I would:

“Of course it’s not safe,” Jace said, as if she’d asked the stupidest question he’d ever heard.

I’m not even going to give that an Our “Heroes” because A) this is clearly something she should have figured out from his reaction, and B) anyone who knows about old-school fairies could tell you that.

But Clary goes on a mini-rant justifying her lack of knowledge about faeries (basically, there aren’t any movies about them, and they’re for little kids), which she wraps up by talking about how she dressed up as one for Halloween when she was eight. Then Simon says this:

“I remember that.” Simon had leaned back in his chair, arms crossed over his chest. “I was a Transformer. Actually, I was a Decepticon.”

Decepticons are Transformers, CC. The other faction is the Autobots. And I won’t get into why Simon would be dressed up as a character from the 80s series, since the TV show that would have been on when these characters were eight would probably have been Beast Wars, and the factions in that were the Maximals and the Predacons.

CC, is it that hard to find someone you know to check you on your geek references? I know Transformers weren’t really targeted at girls, but you must know some guys who watched the show.

[adjusts geek hat again]

I really hate that whole “fake geek girl” crap, but CC makes a damn good argument for it.

Anyway. Alec thinks Isabelle’s on to something, as it couldn’t hurt, and it would give them some leverage with the Shadowhunter leadership. Jace says that faeries don’t help humans. Clary points out that Shadowhunters aren’t really humans. I’d say this was a call-back to what Maia said back in chapter two, except that I don’t think Clary ever heard that, and even if she did, I doubt she’d treat it as a good thing. Which is only encouraged by Jace saying that, to faeries, Shadowhunters aren’t much better than humans.

Simon says that faeries can’t be as bad as vampires, and they did pretty well with them. Which leads to Jace getting pissy at Simon again, and to bring up how all they managed to do was survive. And I’m inclined to remind everyone that the only reason things went downhill in the first place was because Jace threw a knife into the head vampire’s chest, and that it was Simon (still in rat-form, no less) who saved all their collective asses by pointing them to an escape route. Not that anyone else seems to remember that.

So Jace gives a lengthy, accurate, and somewhat graphic depiction of some of the nasty things faeries can do to people, which I won’t show you guys, except to say that this feels like a bit much for a YA novel. It’s so gruesome that Clary interrupts him. Jace then goes on to talk about how faeries are just generally nasty, there’s a bit more back-and-forth between him and Simon, which ends with Simon pointing out that Jace’s opinion is moot, as he can’t leave the apartment anyway. Which leads to this:

Jace stood up, knocking his chair back violently. “You are not taking Clary to the Seelie Court without me and _that is final!_”

…

Okay, Jace? I know that you feel very protective of Clary, for reasons that I’m not going to delve into, but what you just said? That’s wrong. You’re not Clary’s guardian, you’re not her boyfriend, and for all intents and purposes, you’re not even her brother. And while I know that Clary has the self-preservation instincts of a suicidally-depressed lemming and the intelligence of three-day-old road-kill, and while she might not legally be an adult, she is old enough to make her own decisions. If she wants to go, she has every right to go.

Not that I see any reason for her going in the first place, apart from author-enforced contrivance, but that’s a separate point entirely.

No one brings up either of those points, however, because no female character in anything CC writes is allowed to be awesome or skilled at anything, and has to capitulate to the boys because reasons.

Alec steps in and says that he’ll keep Clary safe, but Jace is skeptical. Much to my surprise, Alec actually dragons-up* and tells Jace that they’re going whether he likes it or not. Jace still doesn’t like it, and even threatens physical violence against his “best friend” to stop him.

*(a non-gender specific alternative to “nut-up” or “man-up” as suggested by author Matt Wallace in one of the podcasts found here)

Our “Heroes”: 14

Magnus spouts some innuendo (because why not) and now we get to see why the Shadowhunters shouldn’t have trusted him with keeping Jace locked up. He explains that he has another option. Here it is, in its entirety:

“I specifically enchanted the contract with the Inquisitor so that I could let you go for a short time if I desired, as long as another of the Nephilim was willing to take your place.”

That’s right folks – Magnus put a loop-hole in the contract. I’m sure CC intended this to be viewed as a demonstration of him being clever and shit, but all I can think is that this is a perfectly good reason for the Shadowhunters to lock his ass up for the rest of time. He can’t be trusted to uphold his word. Hell, this is a perfect example of Lawful Evil behavior, CC – Magnus is twisting and exploiting the system for his own ends!

Our “Heroes”: 15

Alec is suddenly all in favor of this, for reasons that are obvious to anyone with a functioning brain, so of course everyone else is perplexed by Alec’s change of opinion. Blah blah, Alec tells them where to meet Isabelle, Magnus asks that they try to avoid getting killed, we get this bit of description:

At that, Jace broke into a grin. It was an unsettling grin, less a flash of amusement than the gleam of an unsheathed blade.

CC, that is a straight-up Slasher Smile. Most writers use that kind of description not just for villains, but the psychotic and dangerous villains. At best the character might be a boarder-line anti-hero, but still be psychotic and dangerous. That is not the kind of description you give to the character who’s supposed to be the hero.

Jace gives a quick quip, and the scene ends.

And I’m going to call it a day as well. So far, I’ve got almost 20 pages of sporking, and we’re only half-way through the chapter. This is a long one, folks – this chapter is a full tenth of the entire Kindle file, and I just can’t keep this up.

If I’m being honest, this chapter really should have been split in two – one where they meet up with Jace and make a plan, and another where they go meet the Seelie Queen. I don’t know why this is a single, giant chapter, except that maybe someone pointed out the CC that calling the chapter “The Seelie Court” when said court doesn’t actually show up makes no sense. Why they didn’t do the same with chapter three, I don’t know.

I’ll be back soon, to share with you all what happens at the eponymous Seelie court. Here’s a hint – it’s really, really contrived, and really, really stupid. Just like pretty much everything else in these books.

Counts

Entirely Pointless: 0 (Total: 25)
Un-Logic: 3 (Total: 21)
You Keep Using That Word: 8 (Total: 37)
Shoddy World Building: 4 (Total: 21)
Rapier Twit: 4 (Total: 26)
Our “Heroes”: 15 (Total: 59)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 (Total: 6)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 1 (Total: 30)
A Word from Our Sponsors: 0 (Total: 3)

Comment [21]

Alright, second half of chapter eight. No recap this time – let’s get to it.

The gang used the scene break to travel to the park, so at least we didn’t have to sit through that. They find Isabelle waiting in a gazebo (the most dangerous of all monsters) looking out over a pond. Which for some reason CC refers to as a “lake”.

You Keep Using That Word: 1

To paraphrase another shitty author, words is your business. So maybe you should learn what they mean.

We get a paragraph describing Isabelle as looking like a fairy tale princess, which is immediately followed by a description of how very unlike a fairy tale princess she is.

Isabelle with her whip and boots and knives would chop anyone who tried to pen her up in a tower into pieces, build a bridge out of the remains, and walk carelessly to freedom, her hair looking fabulous the entire time. This made Isabelle a hard person to like, though Clary was trying.

Clearly not that hard, if this so offends Clary. Don’t get me wrong, I can totally get a character complaining about another being able to maintain their appearance regardless of circumstances (for example, there was a bit like that in one of the Animorphs books). But to do that kind of bit properly, the one doing the complaining should sound more incredulous than indignant. Clary doesn’t sound incredulous or impressed – she sounds jealous. Which doesn’t speak well of her.

Our “Heroes”: 1

Jace says hi, and Isabelle spins around and hugs him. The narration goes to great lengths to point out how they’re embrace is like siblings. Given that the last book had Isabelle describing Jace as being “sexy”, I’m really starting to wonder what CC considers appropriate behavior for siblings. Also, Clary has to “[try] to school her features into a happy and loving expression.”

Our “Heroes”: 2

And Clary wonders why she has no female friends. Or friends in general.

On the up-side, we do get this reaction to Clary’s attempt to hide her reaction:

“Are you alright?” Simon asked, with some concern. “You’re eyes are crossing.”

It’s not really that funny, but it’s something.

Isabelle asks how they managed to free Jace, and they explain their leaving Alec behind. Isabelle demonstrates actual humanity by being concerned that the trade might be permanent. Jace responds to her concern by making a joke:

“No,” said Jace. “Just for a few hours. Unless I don’t come back,” he added thoughtfully. “In which case, maybe he does get to keep Alec. Think of it as a lease with an option to buy.”

Rapier Twit: 1
Our “Heroes”: 3

Because why be concerned? Alec’s only your bestest-friend in the whole world, and you’re potentially putting his life on the line with these antics. No biggie.

Also, this:

Shoddy World Building: 1

“Lease with an option to buy”, CC? Really?

Luckily for may sanity, both Isabelle and Simon react somewhat more realistically:

Isabelle looked dubious. “Mom and Dad won’t be pleased if they find out.”
“That you freed a possible criminal by trading away your brother to a warlock who looks like a gay Sonic the Hedgehog and dresses like the Child Catcher from _Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?_” Simon inquired. “No, probably not.”

And remember, Alec has never shown Simon the least amount of respect in this series so far. Seriously, why am I supposed to like Jace again?

I’m going to apologize in advance for this next bit, but I feel I have to do this line-by-line.

Jace looked at him thoughtfully. “Is there some particular reason that you’re here? I’m not so sure we should be bringing you to the Seelie Court. They hate mundanes.”

I could say the same thing about you, Jace. I know why you’re here, and it has nothing to do with actually progressing the story. The same goes for Clary, by the way.

Also, I’m giving you one of these on principle.

*Our “Heroes”: 4

Simon rolled his eyes upward. “Not this again.”
“Not what again?” said Clary.

If we needed concrete proof that Clary’s brain actually shuts down in Jace’s presence, that line right there would do it. Seriously, have you not been paying attention to their interactions at all, you dizzy little bint?

“Every time I annoy him, he retreats into his No Mundanes Allowed tree house.” Simon pointed at Jace. “Let me remind you, the last time you wanted to leave me behind, I saved all your lives.”

Holy shit, someone actually remembered that that happened! Too bad it’s not anyone who’s behavior should be affected by it.

“Sure,” said Jace. “One time—”

See what I mean? Most people would seriously reconsider how they treat someone who saved their life. But not Jace – his reaction is to go “yeah, but what have you done for me lately?”

*Our “Heroes”: 5

“The faerie courts are dangerous,” cut in Isabelle. “Even your skill with the bow won’t help you. It’s not that kind of danger.”

That’s actually a cogent and reasonable point. So why don’t you explain said danger to him? Perhaps if Simon knew what he was in for, he might just reconsider going. But no, that would mean treating Simon the mundane like an intelligent person, rather than one of the mentally handicapped people all Shadowhunters seem to think mundanes are.

And while we’re at it, Clary’s just as clueless – why aren’t we still insisting that she not come? Why aren’t we giving her all these vaguely ominous warnings?

Back to recapping. Simon says that he can take care of himself. Clary tells him he doesn’t have to come, but he says he does, with the implication that he’s going because she is.

Jace grudgingly accepts, and tells Simon not to expect special treatment, and calls him “mundane” for good measure.

*Our “Heroes”: 6

Simon manages to get this off, which makes me smile:

“Look on the bright side,” said Simon. “If they need a human sacrifice, you can always offer me. I’m not sure the rest of you qualify anyway.”

And then Jace/CC immediately ruins the moment with this:

Jace brightened. “It’s always nice when someone volunteers to be the first up against the wall.”

Yeah, fuck you, Jace. I’m fairly certain you’d be next in line, with your attitude and “charming” personality. Also, I’m not sure CC knows what “first against the wall” implies.

Isabelle tells them that the door to the Seelie court is about to open, and starts walking toward the pond. The rest follow her. Simon slips in the mud, Jace tries to help him, only to get snapped at, because CC really wants to sink the Clary/Simon ship.

So Isabelle once again acts like the fucking adult:

“Stop it.” Isabelle tapped a booted foot in the shallow water at the lake’s edge. “Both of you. In fact, all three of you. If we don’t stick together in the Seelie Court, we’re dead.”

Thank you, Isabelle. And CC? It’s a fucking pond.

You Keep Using That Word: 2

You specifically mentioned back at the beginning of the scene that they’re at Turtle Pond. Why do you keep fucking this up?

Clary gets indignant on being scolded, and Isabelle points out that she hasn’t done a damn thing to keep Simon and Jace from fighting. Personally, I think it’s because CC, much like SMeyer, likes the idea of two boys fighting over her. But of course, she/her avatar can’t admit that, so Clary responds thusly:

“I can’t tell them what to do!”

Because like all of CC’s female protagonists, she exists largely to be an object of lust for the principle male characters, and can’t actually stand up for herself or accomplish anything on her own. Don’t believe me? Check out her Draco Trilogy fics and see what she did to Hermione.

On the up-side, Isabelle does give a good response to Clary’s reaction:

“Why not?” the other girl demanded. “Honestly, Clary, if you don’t start utilizing a bit of your natural feminine superiority, I just don’t know what I’ll do with you.”

Seriously, how does CC manage to write a character like Isabelle, while having someone like Clary as the main protagonist? Hell, why isn’t Isabelle the protagonist? She’s strong, sexy, confident, and knows how to kill monsters – she’s exactly the kind of female character who should be the lead, not relegated to the supporting cast.

I guess it’s just as well – CC would probably fuck her up.

For some reason, Isabelle turns to the pond (which is now referred to as such – guess someone finally pointed that out to CC), only to turn around and tell everyone “for the love of the Angel, don’t eat or drink anything while we’re underground.”

You Keep Using That Word: 3

Simon asks what she means by “underground”, but doesn’t asks why he can’t have a snack. Questions which could easily have been answered if they’d taken two minutes to explain things beforehand, rather than insulting Simon. Seriously, they had the whole trip from the apartment to the park to explain things – did no one say anything during the trip?

Not that Isabelle takes the five seconds needed to explain anything now, of course. Why take time to explain the warnings, after all? If the stupid mundie doesn’t listen, that’s his fault.

Also, that whole bit with the food and drink is probably one of the laziest Chekhov’s Guns I’ve ever seen.

They all head into the water, heading for the moon’s reflection, only to find that said reflection isn’t moving. Isabelle asks Jace to go first, and he does (if only this were secretly a trap for him). As he moves past Clary, CC feels the need to tell us that he smells like “wet leather and char.” Because that just sounds so appealing.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Seriously, gross.

Jace walks backward into the reflected moon, probably to show how badass he is or some shit, smiles like the cocky little shit he is, and promptly disappears. Simon pretty much sums up my reaction to this:

“Okay,” said Simon unhappily. “Okay, that was weird.”

Yeah, I’m sure I’m supposed to be impressed or something, but it’s just not doing it for me.

Clary’s next, because reasons. She also goes in backwards (because I guess actually seeing where you’re going is for losers), and is described as “[falling] backward into darkness as the moon swallowed her up.”

Darkness, eh? Despite falling into the bright, silvery reflection of the moon? Sure, why not. At least the scene’s over.

Personally, I prefer the methods of entering a faerie knowe used in the October Daye books. Yes, they’re often complex and convoluted, sometimes silly and nonsensical, but at least they can be replicated at any time. Then again, Seanan McGuire is actually knows about fairies and folklore and such, in addition to just being generally awesome.

Next scene. Clary’s suddenly stumbling in a cave, soaking wet. I’m not going to ask why she’s standing, rather than landing on her back, because there’s no point. Jace steadies her, and we get a description of the cave. It’s a cave. And it’s lit by phosphorescent moss, because of course it is. Then Clary takes a minute to oggle Jace in his soaking wet clothes.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Jace asks if Clary feels cold, mostly so CC can tease her readers by talking about how warm Jace feels despite also being soaked.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Hey, she’s the one who can’t control her libido. And I thought it was guys who’re supposed to be obsessed with sex.

Thankfully, Simon comes crashing in – literally, because he’s not allowed to be cool any more – and starts feeling around for his glasses. Yes, CC is implying that Simon can’t see at all without his glasses.

Okay, quick sidebar. I have pretty bad vision. Like, anything further than six inches from my face starts to get blurry. Even so, I’m not completely helpless without my glasses – I can still make out shapes and objects. And yes, I’ve dropped my glasses, and during those times I’ve felt around to find them, but only because I tend to get thin frames for my glasses that might be hard to distinguish from whatever they’re sitting on, so I have to rely on finding them by touch. My point is, you’d have to have serious vision problems if you’re effectively blind without corrective lenses.

Clary helps Simon out, reminiscing about doing the same thing when he played soccer. Which makes me wonder why he didn’t get a strap or something for that, if it was such a regular occurrence.

There’s a little bit about Clary feeling Jace watching all this and feeling vaguely guilty or something, which bugs me because A) as far as both of them know, they’re siblings, and even if they weren’t, B) it’s none of Jace’s business.

And then Isabelle drops in (literally), and manages to neither fall over nor stumble. I’m honestly not sure if that’s supposed to be a Shadowhunter thing or not. She proclaims the experience to have been “fun” which leads into this bit:

“That does it,” said Jace. “I’m going to get you a dictionary for Christmas this year.”
“Why?” Isabelle said.
“So you can look up ‘fun’. I’m not sure you know what it means.”
Isabelle pulled the long heavy mass of her wet hair forward and wrung it out as if it were wet washing. “You’re raining on my parade.”
“It’s a pretty wet parade already, if you hadn’t noticed.”

Rapier Twit: 3

Because that’s two “zingers” from Jace. Dude, just because she happens to be enjoy things about being a Shadowhunter apart from getting to kill stuff with impunity doesn’t mean Isabelle’s not having a good time.

Also I’m giving CC these:

You Keep Using That Word: 5

One for using the word “wet” twice in one sentence, and another for the totally unnecessary analogy. If you’d just said that Isabelle wrung her hair out, I think it would be perfectly clear.

Jace asks what they’re supposed to do now, and Isabelle explains that they’re to wait for an escort. Clary asks how the faeries will know they’re here, and Isabelle basically answers “magic”. Then Simon asks a pertinent question – how is it that Isabelle knows so much about these faeries?

Much to mine and the characters’ surprise, Isabelle blushes. However, I’m sure the reasons for being surprised are somewhat different – I’m surprised because I think of Isabelle as being strong, sexy, and confident, and thus generally not ashamed of almost anything she does. Their surprise is probably because they (which includes CC and her fan base) probably think of Isabelle as a shameless hussy.

Before she can answer, their escort arrives – a faerie dude by the name of Meliorn. And right about now is when Isabelle suddenly stops being awesome and basically becomes the stereotypical valley girl that CC probably meant for her to be. Elf-boy basically has to pull Isabelle off him and has to tell he that this is not the time. He asks if they’ll come with him to meet the queen (why else would they be here?) and then this happens:

Meliorn looked impassive. “Mundane humans are not permitted in the Court.”
“I wish someone had mentioned that earlier,” said Simon, to no one in particular. “I take it I’m just supposed to wait out here until vines start growing on me?”
Meliorn considered. “That might offer significant amusement.”

Rapier Twit: 4

I’m really not sure if any of that’s supposed to be a joke or not, but I’m counting it anyway. And I have to wonder why the faeries of all people have this rule – I’d gotten the impression that they like screwing around with mundanes, so why would they try to keep one from walking head-first into their lair?

Then Jace of all people defends Simon, an act which surprises everyone. Probably because it’s incredibly out of character for him. It’s sort of implied that this might be because of Simon reminding him that he (Simon) saved all their asses, but that rings a bit false considering Jace’s initial reaction to being reminded of that fact. Then Clary steps in and says that they won’t go without Simon. I have to say, this whole bit would work a whole lot better if it were the other way around (Clary defending Simon, then Jace supporting the decision), but that would require Clary to act of her own volition.

Not-Legolas shrugs and starts leading the way. As they walk, Clary asks if Isabelle’s parents would be okay with her going out with a faerie. Jace makes this comment:

“I’m not sure they’re going out,” Jace said, weighting the last two words with a heavy irony. “I’d guess they mostly stay in. Or in this case, under.”

Rapier Twit: 5

You know what she means, asshole – answer the question. Simon notes that it sounds like Jace disapproves of the relationship. Now, before we go any further, let’s look at the previous discussion of Shadowhunter-Downworlder romantic relations, specifically Jace having a quickie with the part-faerie waitress from the previous book:

“So they’re good enough to let live, good enough to make food for you, good enough to flirt with – but not really good enough? I mean, not as good as people.”
Isabelle and Alec looked at her as if she were speaking Urdu. “Different from people,” said Alec finally.

Now, let’s see how Jace feels about Isabelle essentially doing the same thing:

“I don’t disapprove exactly,” said Jace. “The faeries are known to dally with the occasional mortal, but they always end in abandoning them, usually the worse for wear.”

Bullshit you “don’t disapprove”. I’m thinking this is because Isabelle’s a girl – it’s perfectly acceptable for the men to dally with the Downworlders, but the women-folk must remain pure and untouched. Or this could just be more bashing Isabelle for being sexually active, rather than being chaste and virginal. You know – like Clary.

Of course, my whole point is undermined by Isabelle laughing/flirting with Elf-boy, and declaring that he’s “so funny!” She trips, he catches her, and makes a comment about her heels. Why she’s wearing heels, I don’t know, other than to lead to this stupid bit:

“It’s my motto,” said Isabelle, with a sultry smile. “‘ Nothing less than seven inches.’”
Meliorn gazed at her stonily.
“I’m talking about my heels,” she said. “It’s a pun. You know? A play on—”

Rapier Twit: 6

That actually kind of hurt. And Isabelle, that’s not a pun – that’s a double entendre. But I don’t blame you. I blame CC.

Ernie interrupts to remind them that there’s a reason they’re here, and keeps walking. Here’s Isabelle’s response to his not finding her “joke” funny:

“I forgot,” Isabelle muttered as the rest of them caught up to her. “Faeries have no sense of humor.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t say that,” said Jace. “There’s a pixie nightclub downtown called Hot Wings. Not,” he added, “that I have ever been there.”

See, that’s a pun. Sort of. Also, Elf-boy did describe letting Simon getting enveloped by vines as “amusing”, so yes, he clearly does have a sense of humor. Your “joke” just wasn’t funny.

Anyway, they finally reach the court proper. It’s all very bright and colorful and pretty. Clary sees some faeries dancing, and starts to head towards them, only to get stopped by Jace. He tells her that if she joins them, she’ll keep dancing until she dies. Anyone who knows about old-school fairies would know that, but since Clary didn’t, I’m left wondering why no one bothered to mention this sort of thing before. Jace draws a magic thingy on her arm, and suddenly the faerie-whammy stops working. Why he didn’t do this sooner, I don’t know. Isabelle’s doing much the same thing to Simon.

They all move on to the hallway, and suddenly Simon’s not being affected any more. Why? Because Isabelle blindfolded him. I’m not sure why this worked, since it was implied and quickly confirmed that it was the music affecting them:

Simon pushed his hair back; it was damp where the scarf had held it down. “That was some music,” he observed. “A little bit country, a little bit rock and roll.”

Rapier Twit: 7

CC, there’s almost no way that Simon would make that reference. He’s too young. Hell, I’m too young for that reference. Also, how does blindfolding someone stop them from hearing music? Does CC think putting a bag over someone’s head works like a sensory deprivation tank?

Blah blah, talking about what happened, and Isabelle goes into a spiel about how regular people can join in on the dancing – either holding on to a faerie token, or having a faerie partner. Why bring this up? So she can glance suggestively at Elf-boy on mentioning the second one, because she’s a slut. It doesn’t help that Elf-boy isn’t even paying attention to her.

Legolamb leads them to the throne room, tells them that the queen’s inside, and leads the way in.

More description that I don’t really care about. The queen’s pissed that they brought Simon along, and wants to know why. Jace says that he’s under their protection, which isn’t really an answer. Why Jace is the one doing all the talking instead of Isabelle (you know, the one who has actual experience dealing with faeries), I don’t know. I guess CC just can’t stand the thought of Draco Jace not being in charge.

Somehow, Queenie figures out that they owe Simon a favor, and Jace confirms that Simon saved their lives. For some reason, Clary construes this as being “creative truth-telling”, and uses this as an opportunity to heap praise on Jace.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4

How is that “creative truth-telling”? He’s not omitting anything, he’s not reinterpreting events, he’s not even doing that “certain point of view” BS like Ben Kanobi. It’s just an excuse to tell us how amazing Jace is. Which is only made worse, as it’s followed up with this:

“We had heard you were as kind as you were beautiful, and in that case— well,” Jace said, “your kindness must be extreme indeed.”
The Queen smirked and leaned forward, gleaming hair falling to shadow her face. “You are as charming as your father, Jonathan Morgenstern,” she said.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 5

Come the fuck on. I expect the Queen of the fucking Fairies to have heard better – poems, sonnets, books, plays, by some of the greatest writers in history in praise of her. But no, since it’s Jace fucking Wayland it’s automatically “charming”.

The queen offers them seats and refreshments, and they all hesitate. Elf-boy tells them that “It would be unwise to refuse the bounty of the Queen of the Seelie Court.” so they all agree to have a seat. For some reason, Clary expects to sit down on a root, as it *“seemed like the sort of thing the Queen would find amusing.”

Really? Having mortals dance until they die from exhaustion or sitting around until they’re covered in vegetation makes sense. Having a guest sit on a root? That’s pretty juvenile by comparison.

Of course nothing happens, because even CC realizes that that’s stupid. Drinks are brought out, and they all take one. Simon sets his aside, as he has some common sense, giving this explanation:

“The last faerie drink I had didn’t agree with me,” he muttered.

Clary starts sniffing hers, and pulls a floating petal out, and has to be reminded by Jace of the one piece of advice they were actually given – don’t eat or drink anything. Clary starts to argue, but Jace insists, so she sets her drink down. And the narration makes sure to note that Clary’s fingers are stained from the flower petal, in what I’m sure CC considers to be a subtle manner.

After all this screwing around, we finally get down to business. The queen explains why she called them: Elf-boy says they know who killed the faerie kid. She’s convinced that it’s vampires, and wants to know if there’s a specific vampire. Not that she cares, though, as she blames all the vampires. Which makes me wonder why she called them here in the first place. And why she called these Shadowhunters in particular, as I’d think she’d want official representatives.

Isabelle flat-out says that it wasn’t the vampires, and does so in a very condescending way. Which is odd, considering that she’s the one with the most experience dealing with faeries. Jace steps in (because of course he does) and explains that they think the vampires are being framed. The queen asks for proof. Jace tells her about the attack on the Silent City, to which the queen quite rightly responds by asking what that has to do with anything. It’s at this point that a little faerie bites Clary’s finger, drawing blood, which she immediately sticks in her mouth. I think we all know where this is going.

Anyway, Jace and Isabelle go on to explain Valentine’s Evil Plan^TM^, but when they say that Valentine won’t kill any more faeries, the queen says she doesn’t care.

Isabelle tries to play the revenge card, but the queen says that while Valentine is an enemy, they have plenty of time to avenge themselves. So Jace starts explaining the army of demons (which is only supposition on their part, not that it matters), and the queen points out that demons are the Shadowhunters’ problem, and also this:

“Remember, Shadowhunter, there are those of us who chafe under the rule of the Clave. Perhaps we are tired of fighting your wars for you.”

See, that’s interesting. I’d like to know more about this – do the Downworlders feel oppressed? Are those feelings justified? This looks like a topic worth exploring.

But of course we won’t, as that might make Jace look bad by association.

In response to the queen’s statement, Jace says this:

“But it isn’t our war alone,” said Jace. “Valentine hates Downworlders more than he hates demons. If he defeats us, he’ll go after you next.”

Uh, since when? I thought Valentine hated Downworlders because they’re part demon. This feels like someone pointed out that him using demons in the first place made no sense, so CC slapped this explanation on rather than abandon her plot.

Jace tries to give an ominous warning, but it falls flat. The queen suddenly starts going on how it’s weird that Jace “ [feels] no loyalty toward Valentine” despite being Valentine’s son. You wouldn’t know that from the previous book. For once, Jace doesn’t say anything. Queenie wonders if he’s only pretending to hate Valentine, and Clary insists that they hate him. Again, bullshit – Jace for obvious reasons, and Clary because she doesn’t know Valentine enough to hate him.

Blah blah, Jace says his loyalty is with the Shadowhunters (bullshit once again), and the queen starts getting all cryptic, referring to Jace and Clary as “Valentine’s little experiments” because CC likes to tease her audience. Isabelle catches this, but the queen continues to be cryptic, telling Jace this:

“Ask your father, when next you see him, what blood runs in your veins, Jonathan.”

Jace says he hadn’t planned on seeing Valentine again. The queen calls him a liar, but a charming one (no, no he’s not), and says that she’ll help them if Jace asks Valentine that question. Jace repeats his half-assed compliment from earlier, and it’s so terrible that even Clary gags.

They start to leave, but the queen says that one of them has to stay. Yep, all that crap with the flower petal and the thing biting Clary’s finger were leading to this. I know I used this last time, but I’m sure you’ll all agree that it’s appropriate:

After an annoyingly long explanation of what happened, Jace asks what the queen wants. The queen says she wants to study a Shadowhunter. Clary says that she’s a bad example, as she “hardly [has] any training”. Correction, Clary – you have no training. At all.

Queenie starts going cryptic again, talking about stuff Valentine did to make Clary super special, because of course she’s special. She wouldn’t be an author-insert Mary Sue otherwise.

Clary asks what she’s talking about, and the queen drops pretty much all pretense of being cryptic, because at this point she’s being about as subtle as a brick through a window:

“Yours is the gift of words that cannot be spoken,” the Queen said to her, “and your brother’s is the Angel’s own gift. Your father made sure of it, when your brother was a child and before you were ever born.”

Gee, I wonder what that could possibly mean. And of course Jace is also super special, because he’s a giant Gary Stu.

Jace says that Valentine lied to the queen (yeah, like I believe that for a second), and the queen goes on a bit more about him being special.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 8

One for every time it’s been mentioned how “special” either Clary or Jace are.

Finally we move on with Jace asking if there’s something the queen would take in exchange for Clary, and the queen gives the real reason Clary, Simon, and Jace are here – Clary can be freed by a kiss.

The characters spend an obscene amount of time trying to figure out what the queen means – not Jace kissing her, not Isabelle kissing Elf-boy – before Simon decides to just kiss Clary. It’s awkward for Clary, because of course it is, and the queen says it’s wrong.

So Isabelle says she’ll kiss Simon, but that’s also wrong. Then we get this stupid bit:

“Well, I’m not kissing the mundane,” said Jace. “I’d rather stay down here and rot.”
“Forever?” said Simon. “Forever’s an awfully long time.”
Jace raised his eyebrows. “I knew it,” he said. “You want to kiss me, don’t you?”
Simon threw up his hands in exasperation. “Of course not. But if—”
“I guess it’s true what they say,” observed Jace. “There are no straight men in the trenches.”
“That’s atheists, jackass,” said Simon furiously. “There are no atheists in the trenches.”

Rapier Twit: 8

Right, because now is the time to be making gay jokes. Way to be progressive, CC!

Also, this:

You Keep Using That Word: 7

You’re both wrong – the phrase is “no atheists in foxholes”. Seriously, CC, it’s not that obscure a phrase.

And while I’m at it:

Shoddy World Building: 2

What the hell do you know about either trenches or foxholes, Jace?

But with that bit of teasing the Jace/Simon shippers out of the way, the queen explains the solution, which would have been immediately obvious to anyone with half a brain (so, maybe two-thirds of CC’s fans):

“While this is all very amusing,” said the Queen coolly, leaning forward, “the kiss that will free the girl is the kiss that she most desires.”

Simon is none too happy about this. Jace asks why the queen is doing this. I thought it was fairly obvious – faeries enjoy screwing with people.

Simon points out that Clary and Jace are siblings, but the queen doesn’t care, and says that if Clary really doesn’t want to kiss Jace, then nothing will happen.

We spend yet more time talking about this, because I guess the one thing CC likes more than having her self-insert make out with a knock-off Draco Malfoy is needlessly building up to said making out. Simon says it’s a trick, Jace says it’s a test, Isabelle says she wants to get Clary out. Simon asks if Isabelle would kiss Alec in this situation, and Isabelle says she would, and that “It’s just a kiss.”

So I guess Isabelle blanked out on that whole “kiss she most desires” bit, that Clary and Simon are supposedly a thing now, and what Jace’s kiss freeing Clary implies. Nice to know that she has just as much disregard for Simon’s feelings as everyone else:

Our “Heroes”: 7

But Isabelle’s words galvanize Jace, so he goes over and grabs Clary. We’re told that his hands are “inexplicably gentle” despite his harsh tone, because we really needed to know that.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 9

We’re also told how Jace’s eyes look dark, again because reasons.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 10

And here’s what Jace says right before laying one on the girl he believes to be his sister:

“You can close your eyes and think of England, if you like.”

Honestly, I’m torn between laughing and feeling insulted. So, counts:

You Keep Using That Word: 8

Jace? Or rather, CC? While that’s “apparently an acceptable version of that phrase”: http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/close-your-eyes-and-think-of-england.html, the more common version (at least that I’ve heard) is “lie back and think of England”. And the implications of Jace using that phrase here are pretty damn squicky, as it’s usually referring to having sex, usually against the woman’s will.

Also, this:

Shoddy World Building: 3

I don’t know where Jace would have heard that phrase, or why he’d use it here. Unless it’s just to justify Clary’s response:

“I’ve never even been to England,” she said, but she shut her eyelids.

Seriously, explain to me how Jace, the Shadowhunter who seemingly never interacts with the mundane world, has heard that phrase, yet Clary, who’s lived her whole life as a mundane, hasn’t.

Just for that, I’m giving it another.

Shoddy World Building: 4

So Jace kisses her, and I really have to wonder how reluctant he really is to do this. I mean, I know he really wants to, but you’d think he might try to play up not wanting to – he could do a quick peck, but that wouldn’t be enough to satisfy CC.

No, instead we’re treated to three paragraphs – most of a Kindle screen, so probably about half a page – describing this kiss. There’s arms twining, hands moving, blood rushing, and to top it all off, a sigh from the audience. That’s right – CC included an audience reaction in her fantasy.

A few quick counts before we move on.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 13

One for each paragraph.

Un-Logic: 1

Why did Clary suck on her finger instead of, say, wrapping it in a napkin or something?

Entirely Pointless: 1

What did this whole bit accomplish? Furthering the non-existent “love triangle”? We have actual plot to focus on, yet CC insists on writing page after page of this fluff. CC, if your readers wanted “love triangle” BS, they can find it online – you, of all people, should know that.

Anyway, Jace asks if the queen is happy. The queen says she is, but that Clary and Jace probably enjoyed that more than she and her minions did. Jace fires back with this “witty” “quip”:

“I can only assume,” said Jace, “that mortal emotions amuse you because you have none of your own.”

Rapier Twit: 9

Given that he’s both received and observed some decent burns in this book alone, you’d think Jace would have learned something about witty comebacks. Like, ‘don’t try them in the villain’s lair’.

Thankfully, Isabelle is once again in acting somewhat mature, and gets everyone moving for the exit. But just before the scene ends, we get this exchange between Clary and Simon:

“We should go,” she said. “Before it’s too late.”
“It’s already too late,” he said.

Really? Look, I like you, Simon, but there’s enough melodrama in this book as is. I don’t need you adding to it.

So, scene break, followed by a quick summary of the trip back. Elf-boy acted as guide again, but doesn’t say anything, and once the kids are back top-side, disappears. Isabelle responds to all of that with this:

Isabelle watched him go with a scowl. “He is so broken up with.”

[sigh]

Isabelle? Sweetie? I like you – I really do. Seriously, you’re like, my second favorite character in this series. You’re strong, sexy, are actually capable of accomplishing things without help from one of the men-folk, and are generally awesome. At least when you’re not suddenly acting like a brainless ninny.

At no point during that whole extended mess of an experience did Meliorn display even the slightest hint of affection for you. At all. In fact, he spent a good chunk of it ignoring you. So if he even notices that you aren’t coming around any more, I doubt he’ll be all that bothered.

Jace laughs at this, because he’s a dick. There’s a quick description of the city, and I don’t care.

Isabelle suggests they get moving, since it’s cold and they’re wet. Clary suggests getting a taxi to Brooklyn, but Isabelle says that all the adult Shadowhunters are poking around in the Silent City, so they (meaning Jace) can pop by the Institute for some dry clothes. So, the professional demon slayers and enforcers of supernatural law have been investigating a crime scene for the better part of twenty-four hours? Really? I know the crime scene is huge, but you guys can’t take shifts? What am I saying, of course not – all twenty-five-ish of you were required to investigate the death of a single child the night before.

Seriously, how have these people become top-dogs of the supernatural world? It’s not numbers or ability, so what is it?

Fuck it, we’re almost done.

Jace agrees, because apparently there’s something in his room he wants to get. Clary decides she’s going to share a cab ride with Simon, intending to explain what happened during the ride. Clary, I know that you’re denser than lead, but even you have to understand that there’s no “explaining” what when on down there.

Jace points out that Simon’s already gone. And has apparently made it quite a ways, as he’s almost out of sight. That’s just how much attention Clary was paying to him.

Our “Heroes”: 8

Honestly, I wonder how deluded Simon must be to think Clary ever really cared about him in the first place.

And that’s it for the chapter. I just have one question:

What was the point of all this?

I’m serious – absolutely nothing was accomplished in this chapter. Okay, Jace is now free – so what? He was never in any danger. The whole point of going to the Seelie Queen was to get some support – which they didn’t get.

CC seems to be under the impression that the “love triangle” is an actual plot. It’s not, because I doubt that anyone at any time believed for a second that Clary would ever end up with Simon. This isn’t plot – it’s plot substitute. It’s pointless filler; CC’s personal fantasy that somehow slipped into her manuscript and didn’t get caught.

So because of that, I’m giving this whole chapter one of these:

Entirely Pointless: 2

Now, I said I’d talk about this last time, so let’s get to it – CC’s faeries (or rather, her take on Holly Black’s faeries) kind of fail.

As Pryotra has already pointed out, traditionally the Seelie fairies are generally the good fairies, and the Unseelie the bad ones. Now, personally, I’m okay with neither of them being “good” or “evil” as we understand it, because fairies aren’t human. To me, they should operate on a Blue and Orange morality – a set of values that are utterly alien to us humans. At best, fairies being “good” would be more “benignly neglectful” – as long as we don’t bother them, they’ll ignore us.

But as for CC’s/Black’s faeries, I’m just not impressed. We’re told that they can’t lie, but enjoy messing with mortals by getting creative with their words, and yet none of that’s on display here. The closest we get is some semi-cryptic foreshadowing, which CC really sucks at. And the whole bit with Clary being trapped reads like a child taking her dolls and going “now kiss!”

So let’s take a look at some good examples of fairies, shall we?

The first that jumps to my mind are the ones from the Dresden Files books. I think they’re a great example of that Blue/Orange morality thing I mentioned. They’re split into two three groups – Summer, Winter, and wild. The Summer fae are generally nice, but their main goal it to oppose Winter, regardless of the circumstances. Winter fae are not so nice, but more in the sense that they don’t put up with weakness. Winter fae will help people, but not in ways you might think of as being helpful; for example, for a good long time, Harry’s fairy godmother (not kidding) wanted to turn him into one of her hounds, because she thought that would be the best way to protect him. And in a recent book, the reasons for the two groups were revealed. Winter’s job is to protect the world from nasty Eldritch Abominations from outside reality; Summer’s job is to protect the world from Winter. And the wild fae? Well, they’re mostly un-aligned, but that doesn’t mean they’re not dangerous – they do make up the Wild Hunt, after all.

Another example I’ve been thinking about while writing this is are the fae from Patrick Rothfuss’s Kinkiller Chronicle books, particularly the second book, The Wise Man’s Fear. Two in particular – Felurian and the Cthaeth. Felurian is your standard succubus type, though more by accident than by intention. The Cthaeth, on the other hand, is straight-up nasty. It’s trapped beneath a special tree, but omniscient and able to see all possible futures, and is pretty much straight-up evil. But since it’s trapped, it can only do its thing by telling anyone who speaks to it exactly what they need to hear to cause as much chaos and suffering as possible. This wouldn’t be a problem, except that the flowers of the tree can cure any ailment. There’s a whole order of fae warriors whose sole job is to make sure no one talks to the Cthaeth, and if they somehow do, that they’re killed before leaving the clearing where the tree stands.

I’m sure there are more out there, so feel free to share in the comments.

As for me, I’ll be back again with the next chapter. Hopefully that won’t be nearly as long as this one was.

Counts

Entirely Pointless: 2 (Total: 27)
Un-Logic: 1 (Total: 22)
You Keep Using That Word: 8 (Total: 45)
Shoddy World Building: 4 (Total: 25)
Rapier Twit: 9 (Total: 35)
Our “Heroes”: 8 (Total: 67)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 (Total: 6)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 13 (Total: 43)
A Word from Our Sponsors: 0 (Total: 3)

Comment [25]

Hi everybody, and welcome back to City of Ashes.

Now, before we dive into chapter 9, I want to address something I forgot in the last sporking. I griped several times about how long chapter 8 was – a full tenth of my copy – and there’s literally no reason for this. Chapter 8 could easily have been divided into two separate chapters, and even feels like it was intended to be – one dealing with the characters making a “plan” (for lack of a better word) and “freeing” Jace, and another dealing with everything that went on in the Seelie Court. I don’t know why they were squeezed into one chapter.

And I’m not just complaining because it’s long – I’m complaining because there’s no reason for the chapter to be so long. Nothing of any consequence happened. And no, I don’t consider CC furthering her “love triangle” “plot” to be something of consequence.

With that out of the way, on to chapter 9.

We begin with our “heroes” coming back to the Institute. It is, of course, abandoned. And Clary, for some reason, decided to come with Jace and Isabelle, rather than going after her “best friend”/boyfriend because…

Un-logic: 1

Maybe she forgot he existed. Again.

Max has passed-out on a couch, so Jace comes over and takes his glasses off. Then we get this:

There was a look on his face Clary had never seen before— a fierce protective gentleness that surprised her.

Uh, CC? Your –self-insert- heroine should not be surprised by demonstrations of affection by the hero/designated love interest. Just sayin’.

Also, this.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Isabelle comes in then, complains about feeling the early stages of a cold, and then goes off to take a shower. Which elicits this response from Jace:

“Sometimes she reminds me of the poem. ‘Isabelle, Isabelle, didn’t worry. Isabelle didn’t scream or scurry—’”

That’s from The Adventures of Isabel by Ogden Nash (and no, I didn’t get the spelling wrong – CC did). It’s a short little poem, describing a girl (Isabel) who encounters various dangers and deals with them. It’s cute and kinda funny, so I recommend you all read it. Lord knows Isabel is a much greater heroine than Clary could ever hope to be. Exactly what brought this comparison on, I can’t quite fathom.

(Also, I was quite disgusted to find that my initial searches only brought up references to this book.)

And admittedly, the Isabelle in these books bears some similarity to the Isabel of Nash’s poem – neither freaks out or panics when faced with danger.

But here’s the problem – Ogden Nash was born in 1902, and died in 1971. Most of his work was published between 1931 and a year after he died.

So why the blue blazes would Jace know this poem?

Shoddy World Building: 1

Oh, wait, I know why – so he can prove how ‘cultured’ he is. Not like that nerd Simon, with his lame D&D references.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Jace starts making himself at home, and starts talking about taking a shower. Because why not? It’s not like they’ll all get in trouble if he’s discovered or anything!

Then Clary says that she doesn’t have any spare clothes. Uh, Jace wasn’t offering you a shower, Clary – he was considering having one himself. Clary briefly considers calling Simon, but doesn’t because…

Our “Heroes”: 1

Jace says Clary can borrow one of his t-shirts (which doesn’t exactly solve her clothes problem), and we’re treated to a description of how he looks in his soaked clothes.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

CC, after what happened in the last chapter, now is really not the time for this crap.

But Jace insists, and says he has something to show Clary, and proceeds to drag her off to his room. Along the way, this happens:

Surreptitiously, Clary checked the screen on her phone as she followed Jace down the hall to his room. Simon hadn’t tried to call. Ice seemed to crystallize inside her chest. Until two weeks ago, it had been years since she and Simon had had a fight. Now he seemed to be mad at her all the time.

GEE, I WONDER WHY?

Also, WHY DON’T YOU CALL HIM INSTEAD? YOU’RE THE PARTY AT FAULT HERE, CLARY.

Our “Heroes”: 3

So they get to Jace’s room, and we’re once again told how neat and tidy it is, and I don’t give a shit. He tosses her a shirt and goes off to take a shower. I guess that thing he wants to show her isn’t all that important. Though I’m still curious as to why he had to drag Clary all the way to his room just to give her a shirt.

Un-Logic: 3

Also, does this set-up feel a bit rape-y to anyone else? He’s got her alone, in a private spot, far from any means of getting help…

Yeah, I’m gonna stop thinking about that now.

On an unrelated topic, does Jace just expect Clary to sit there waiting for him? I mean, when I take a shower, it’s usually about 10 minutes, maybe longer if I feel particularly gross (like after doing yard work), plus maybe another five to do other bathroom-stuff (dry off and brush teeth). If I’m also shaving, it’ll probably be a good 20 minutes between me getting in the shower to me leaving the bathroom.

My point is, does Jace really expect Clary to wait until he’s done taking a shower? And if so, why did he drag her all the way to his room just to sit around? Does he just get off on ordering her around?

… oh god, now that image is in my head.

Back to sporking. Clary actually does the adult thing and finally calls Simon. And gets his voicemail. But before she can say anything, Jace pops back out and asks what she’s doing. As if it’s somehow is business.

But Clary apparently feels all ashamed, and clams she was just checking the time. Jace, not being an idiot (at least not this time), and easily deduces that she was calling Simon. Or, as he’s back to calling him, “the mundane”.

Our “Heroes”: 4

Yep, Jace is back to his normal, asshole self.

To my surprise, Clary actually defends Simon. Jace again figures out that Clary is feeling guilty. And then tells her that Simon’s probably avoiding her, so she shouldn’t bother calling him. Because Jace is an asshole.

Clary, being the blind idiot that she is, asks how Jace has figured all that out, and he gives this explanation:

“I know it because I saw the look on his face before he took off,” Jace said. “You didn’t. You weren’t looking at him. But I was.”

I see we’re back to teasing the Simon/Jace shippers, then. How nice.

Clary then says that all this is Jace’s fault, and that he “shouldn’t have kissed [her] like that.” To which he responds with this:

“How should I have kissed you? Is there another way you like it?”

Well, for starters, you could have tried to not make out with a girl you believe to be your sister. I know it sounds crazy, but plenty of people around the world manage to kiss others without displaying any romantic feelings at all.

Oh, wait, this is YA urban fantasy/paranormal romance, written by someone who got their start writing crappy fanfic. The two leads just can’t help themselves.

So now we get a long conversation which essentially boils down to Clary admitting that she still has feelings for Jace. Why we’re focusing on this when there’s actual End-of-the-World shit going on, I don’t know. I’m not opposed to romantic sub-plots in other genres, but this is not what’s happening here. I recently said that this series is like a YA version of the Anita Blake books, and this is just another similarity – more time is spent on the soap opera-esque “romance” than what is ostensibly the actual plot.

The whole thing finally comes to a head with this:

Something inside Clary cracked and broke, and words came pouring out. “_What do you want me to tell you?_ The truth? The truth is that I love Simon like I should love you, and I wish he was my brother and you weren’t, but I can’t do anything about that and neither can you! Or do you have some ideas, since you’re so goddamned smart?”

Jace acts all shocked and hurt by this, which of course gets Clary to apologize, because cnidarians have more backbone than she does.

He walks over to her, stumbling so we can be told how he’s always so graceful

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4

and then grabs Clary’s face, so we can get a description of how warm his hands are. Because that’s something I wanted to read.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 5

And then, to top it all off, we get this:

“You don’t understand,” he said. His voice shook. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I didn’t think I could. I thought— the way I grew up— my father—”
“To love is to destroy,” she said numbly. “I remember.”
“I thought that part of my heart was broken,” he said, and there was a look on his face as he spoke as if he were surprised to hear himself saying these words, saying my heart.

Good LORD. I know I’ve been implying this for a while, but CC? I can practically hear you fapping away. And it disgusts me.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 8

Double, because on top of being gross as hell, it’s also cliché.

Jace, being the messed up fuck that he is, proposes that they start screwing anyway. His reasoning being that, hey, if they both want to, then why not?

Clary says that there’s no way they could do that, so Jace says they’ll keep it secret. So Clary points out that someone would eventually find out, and she doesn’t want to lie to either of their families, to which Jace points out that the Lightwoods already hate him (sure they do – that’s why they’ve all repeatedly gone out on a limb to protect your ass, you entitled little shit) so who cares?

Finally, Clary says what I and probably all of you have been thinking this whole time – this relationship is just gross. This actually reaches Jace, and he starts acting all wounded, which of course causes Clary, spineless twit that she is, to back down and start apologizing.

But it’s not enough, and Jace gets all huffy and heads back to the shower (which has been running this whole time, btw), and says this before closing the door:

“And if you’ve made me run through all the hot water, I’ll be very annoyed.”

Not exactly, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn,” but I don’t think Rhett Butler was the manipulative fuckwad in that relationship.

So Clary lies back down on the bed, starts huffing Jace’s dirty shirt, and passes out, bringing the scene to a close.

The next scene begins with another dream sequence. Oh, joy.

Clary’s in the middle of some random place, walking across a body of water so perfectly flat and reflective it’s practically a mirror. And then she starts walking on it, further cementing its mirror-like qualities. There’s suddenly a city somewhere in the distance, and Clary can smell it. Personally, any city you can smell from any distance is not a place I’d want to visit.

Then the stars start falling from the sky, only they’re not stars, because one falls near her, and it turns into Jace. CC makes sure we know to associate the color gold with Jace, as she uses it four times to describe him. In the same sentence.

You Keep Using That Word: 4

I don’t care if that’s not what that count’s for – CC started it. Also, I’m fairly certain she misuses a colon, too. I’m also giving this one of these as well.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 9

Because did she really need to spend twenty-seven words describing Jace? Oh, and did I mention that, in the dream, Jace has wings?

Both Hands, Ma’am: 10

Then Jace points behind Clary, and she turns to see Simon (she’s not quite sure, but it’s Simon), and he also has wings, only instead of being white and gold like Jace’s they’re black and have blood on them.

And that’s the dream sequence. To it’s credit, it does have some not-terribly foreshadowing. However, it seems to be there mostly to perpetuate Jace and Simon as being opposing forces, with a clear bias towards Jace.

For some reason, Clary gasps when she wakes up. Not sure why, as that dream wasn’t particularly stressful, apart from the “flaming shit falling from the sky” bit, which took up all of one sentence.

Clary looks around and realizes she’s still in Jace’s room. Then she looks over and realizes Jace is sitting in the chair, and has been watching her this whole time.

…um, I think I’ll let Dean Winchester handle this one.

CC, I realize the Twilight books probably became a big thing right around the time you started writing this, and that Stephenie Meyer even gave you a cover quote, but that doesn’t mean you should ignore how incredibly creepy Edward’s whole “I like to watch you sleep” thing was. You didn’t have to actively speak out about it, but you didn’t have to include… that either.

Thankfully, CC at least sort of diffuses the creepy by having Jace point out that Clary drooled on his shirt. Why he sat there and just let her do it, I don’t know – he mentions that she was dead asleep, but I’d think that would make snagging something out from her grasp easier.

Anyway, Clary pulls out her phone to check if Simon called, but he hasn’t. Gee, Clary, maybe if you’d bothered to actually leave a message when you called him, instead of freaking out when Jace popped back up, Simon might have called you. If one of your friends (or even a family member) doesn’t like one of your other friends, that’s their problem.1 You should never be embarrassed by who you’re friends with.

1 Note: this does not apply when said friend or family member is acting out of concern for your well-being.

And then we get this:

“It’s three in the morning,” she noted with dismay. “Do you think Simon’s all right?”
“I think he’s weird, actually,” said Jace. “Though that has little to do with the time.”

Rapier Twit: 1
Our “Heroes”: 5”

Gods, would it kill you to acknowledge that Clary might have a valid reason to be concerned? Oh wait, that would require Jace to have and demonstrate basic human empathy, and that would ruin the whole “sexy sociopath” thing he has going on.

Clary goes into the bathroom and changes into Jace’s (slightly drool-stained) shirt, and comes out to find that Jace hasn’t moved.

At all.

Seriously, this kid is creepy as fuck.

Anyway, we finally get to see what he dragged Clary all the way to his room to see – he has a piece of the mirror-portal thing from the end of the last book, and has been using to try to find Valentine. And no, this is totally different from that piece of two-way mirror Harry had in Deathly Hallows.[/sarcasm]

Seriously, CC, if you want people to forget that whole “plagiarism” thing, then maybe you should try to avoid taking ideas from other authors. And I know JKR didn’t create magic mirrors, but the ideas are just a little too similar, and Harry Potter is the franchise that got you in trouble in the first place.

Anyway, Jace hasn’t spotted Valentine, and even got Magnus to find Valentine with magic, but with no luck. Also, I feel I have to comment on this:

“Magnus didn’t get to be High Warlock for nothing.”

Again, I’m fairly certain he didn’t “get” to be High Warlock – I’m fairly certain he just appointed himself High Warlock. Just like I can declare myself “Grand Master Dragon Slayer of the South-Eastern United States,” and the title worth about as much as Magnus’s title of “High Warlock of Brooklyn”.

So Jace talks more about how Magnus can “sense” things in and around New York, which elicits this response from Clary:

Clary snorted. “He can feel disturbances in the Force?”

Rapier Twit: 2

Clary, it’s too damn late to try to establish your geed cred. Also, if you really want to impress me, you’re going to have to go with something that isn’t part of the cultural zeitgeist.

Anyway, Jace says Magnus is serious, and he even asked for something of Valentine’s to try and track him – you know, sympathetic magic. So Jace gave Magnus his ring, and I can see a glaring hole right there – Valentine hasn’t worn that ring for years, which I’d imagine is long enough for any connection between him and it to be gone. If that ring is connected to anyone, it’s Jace. This is why most settings involving this kind of magic point out how things like hair and especially blood are best for this kind of thing.

They finally get around to wondering if they should go back to Magnus’s place to let Alec go, but Jace says that he “[doubts] he [Alec] minds, somehow,” ending the discussion. Because that’s the only concern here – whether or not Alec “minds” being stuck in Magnus’s apartment. Not that all of them (including Alec, Magnus, Isabelle, and Clary) will be neck-deep in shit if this gets found out, oh no. That discovery of this will almost certainly result in all parties involved in this, even tangentially connected to it, being branded as traitors and law breakers, probably locked away for the rest of their natural lives, if not out-right executed, is utterly unimportant. No, the only thing that matters is –Jace being free- whether or not Alec “minds”.

Our “Heroes”: 6

For some random reason, Jace asks how Clary managed to open his cell door back in chapter six, but before she can get out her entire answer, the doorbell rings. Which she initially confuses for her cell phone. The Institue’s doorbell is described as “a harsh, tolling ring”. How Clary managed to confuse that for her cell phone, I don’t know.

So instead of hiding (which would be the smart thing), they run off to answer the door. Don’t ask me why – maybe they think it’s a candygram or something.

Isabelle comes out, and responds appropriately to someone ringing your doorbell at three in the goddamn morning. Clary only now realizes that it might be the Inquisitor, and practically wets herself at the thought, because she has yet to evolve an exoskeleton, let alone a spine. Jace points out that the Inquisitor wouldn’t need to ring the doorbell, which leads Clary to conclude that it must be Simon.

And once again, Isabelle responds as a sane person would:

“Oh, for goodness’ sake,” yawned Isabelle, “is he really waking us up at this ungodly hour just to prove his love to you or something? Couldn’t he have called? Mundane men are such twits.”

I’ll be nice and ignore that crack about “mundane” men being twits – because if Jace and Alec are anything to go by, Shadowhunter men aren’t really much of an improvement. Or an improvement at all, really.

And then Jace has to ruin the moment with this:

bq. “I can’t believe he didn’t have the dignity and presence of mind just to get drunk and pass out in some gutter,” said Jace. “I must say, I’m disappointed in the little fellow.”

First, the legal age to purchase alcohol in the US is 21. Simon is, at best, 17. Now, I realize that other countries have different drinking ages, and that there are teen in the US who drink at that age. Hell, I’m pretty sure I’d had alcohol around that age. But there’s nothing wrong with respecting the law.

Second, not everyone responds to emotional trauma by going down to a bar, forcing them to serve you, drinking like a giant pussy, and then using the other patrons as your literal punching bags. Dipshit.

Also, please refrain from referring to Simon as “little fellow”, you arrogant jackass.

So they wait for the elevator, Clary remembers her dream and shivers, prompting Isabelle to give her a coat which CC spends a bit too much time describing for no apparent reason.

Entirely Pointless: 1

The elevator appears, and they all pile in. I’m not sure why they all need to go, but whatever. CC wastes a whole paragraph describing the trip, which would have been okay, especially the bit where Clary reflects on what happened at the Seelie court, but CC preemptively shoots herself in the foot by having Clary try to catch Jace’s eye, spending a whole sentence describing his behavior, and Clary thinking back to previous events being prompted by remembering how Jace’s hands trembled when he grabbed her before their Big Kiss.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 11

The elevator finally reaches the main floor, and Clary rushes to the door and flings it open.

But Simon isn’t waiting outside. No, instead, it’s Raphael, carrying a body. I’m going to save everyone some time and just explain that he’s carrying Simon, since CC apparently thinks it creates more tension or something to not actively say that, instead leaving it to be implied. Clary screams, bringing the scene to a close.

The next scene picks up right where the last one left off, so we have another one of these:

A Word From Our Sponsors: 1

We’re told that Clary’s scream doesn’t actually make a sound, which makes me wonder if she’s actually screaming or not. Or whether CC understands how screaming works.

Clary also collapses, and has to be supported by Jace, because reasons. Isabelle responds to this by grabbing a candelabra (no, I don’t know why that would be there), pointing it at Raphael, and demanding to know what he did to Simon. He replies in Spanish that might be slightly mangled (I’m not certain, because I took Latin in high school, but I feel that “El no esta muerta” isn’t quite right – I think CC mixed up the gender endings or something), saying that Simon isn’t dead. I’m not quite sure why Raphael speaks Spanish here, except for CC to demonstrate how “inclusive” she is by having the head vampire be Hispanic.

Anyway, this news snaps Clary out of her stupor, and she rushes over and starts pawing at Simon and trying to talk to him. Raphael explains that Simon probably can’t hear Clary, because he’s dying. This upsets Clary some more, leading to El Vampiro (kinda sounds like a superhero, doesn’t it?) to explain that he meant Simon isn’t dead yet. Clary starts to say they should get some help for Simon, only for Raphael to explain that there’s nothing they can do.

Much to my surprise, Jace actually responds accordingly by threatening to kill Raphael right there, unless he explains what happened. There’s some back-and-forth about that the oath Jace made in the last book, but eventually Raphael explains that Simon actually broke into the vampire hotel, thus making him fair game. But, being a smart leader, Raphael stopped his people draining Simon dry and instead brought him to the Institute to prevent the Shadowhunters attacking his people.

Turns out that Simon thought he might be turning into a vampire – back in the last book, Simon (in rat form) bit Raphael and accidentally swallowed some of his blood, which caused him (Simon) to come down with some vampire-like symptoms (remember all that stuff with him acting weird back in chapter one? This is our explanation). So he went back to the vampires’ lair to find out if there was a cure or something. And it turns out that all that stuff would have gone away in another few days.

Which raises the question of why Raphael didn’t explain this and then send Simon on his merry way. I mean, that would get you major brownie points with the Shadowhunters – helping out one of their friends, especially when (by the stupid and nonsensical rules of this society) he’s fair game? That’s a great way to demonstrate that you want to get along.

But no. Instead, the vampires apparently drained Simon, and now he’s turning into a vampire. Of course, CC doesn’t just come out and say that, oh no. For some reason, she has Isabelle interject, leading to Raphael clarifying what’s going to happen.

So, instead of coming by to ensure that Simon gets help, Raphael came by to… tell them he’s got a new vampire. Okay.

Un-Logic: 4

Oh, and he refers to the soon-to-be-undead Simon as “one of Night’s Children”.

You Keep Using That Word: 5

Seriously, does no one realize how pretentious that sounds?

And it’s Isabelle of all people who asks if there might be a cure. You’d think she’d know, being a born and raised Shadowhunter and all. If anyone were to ask about there being a cure for vampirism, I’d expect it to be Clary – you know, the one who knows almost nothing about this world.

Un-Logic: 5

Raphael explains that the only “cure” at this point would be killing Simon, but figures that they won’t actually do that.

And then this happens:

“No!” Clary’s arms tightened around Simon. “Don’t you dare hurt him.”
“I have no need to,” said Raphael.
“I wasn’t talking to you.” Clary didn’t look up. “Don’t you even think about it, Jace. Don’t even think about it.”

I think this is really telling. See, I personally don’t doubt that Jace would kill Simon without a second thought, and might even be eager to do so. But the fact that Clary, who practically worships the ground Jace walks on, seems to have come to the same conclusion…

Well, maybe she’s not quite so brainless after all.

Jace actually tries to convince Clary that Simon might want them to kill him, but Clary yells at him to back off. He tries again, but gets interrupted by Simon spasming to life for a second.

Clary starts reassuring Simon, and even says she loves him, before he falls dead.

And then the scene ends.

And the next one picks up right after.

A Word From Our Sponsors: 2

So Clary zones out a bit, and Isabelle asks what they should do now. Raphael says they need to bury Simon. And I think I’m going to do this next bit line-by-line.

“Bury him,” said Raphael.
The candelabra swung up again in Jace’s hand. “That’s not funny.”

Jace, considering some of your “quips,” you don’t really have much room to talk.

“It isn’t supposed to be,” said the vampire, unfazed. “It is how we are made. We are drained, blooded, and buried. When he digs his own way out of a grave, that is when a vampire is born.”

Well, that’s… interesting. I mean, I think it might be a bit similar to the way vampires are made in the Buffy-verse, but that’s not terrible.

Also, you’d really think that Shadowhunters would be at least somewhat aware of how vampires reproduce, for lack of a better term.

Shoddy World Building: 2

Isabelle made a faint sound of disgust. “I don’t think I could do that.”

Okay, was that first bit really necessary? I could have read that as “I don’t think I can bury my friend,” but as is, I can’t help but think she means, “Ew, I have to touch a dead body? _Gross!_”

CC, could you please stop bashing Isabelle? It doesn’t make Clary (or you) look any better by comparison.

“Some can’t,” said Raphael. “If no one is there to help them dig out, they stay like that, trapped like rats under the earth.”

Well that’s only completely fucking terrifying.

Anyway, Clary says she won’t bury Simon, but Raphael points out that, if they don’t, then Simon will just stay a corpse forever. And I’m sorry to do this so soon, but I think you guys really need to see this:

They were all staring down at her. Isabelle and Jace as if they were holding their breaths, waiting on her response. Raphael looked incurious, almost bored.

I just love that Raphael clearly doesn’t give a shit. Yes, this is a serious moment, but given the amount of melodrama we’ve already suffered in this book and the preceding one, it’s nice to see someone who just couldn’t be bothered to care.

Alright, we’re almost done.

Clary brings up Raphael being unable to physically enter the Institute, what with it being on holy ground and him being “unholy,” and Jace starts to explain, only for Raphael to cut him off and tell Clary that there’s a bit of a time limit, so if she wants to bury Simon, they need to do it soon.

I’m not sure why there was that brief digression. It didn’t really serve a purpose.

Entirely Pointless: 2

Come to think of it, why didn’t Raphael mention the time limit earlier?

Un-Logic: 6

Clary says she wants to do this at a Jewish cemetery, which is nice of her. Raphael warns her that what “It will not be pleasant,” to which Clary responds with what CC probably thought was a badass line. See for yourselves:

“Nothing ever is.” She set her jaw. “Let’s get going. We only have a few hours until dawn.”

Yeah, Clary? I can’t really buy that from you, since you seem to actively avoid anything remotely unpleasant or difficult for as long as possible, which is usually when it comes back to bite you in the ass.

Anyway, that’s the end of chapter 9. And it was… okay, I guess.

I certainly could have done without Jace and Clary hashing out their relationship issues, or that dream sequence, and I think it’s fair to say that Simon becoming a vampire is very much Clary’s fault (if she’d bothered to actually contact him, maybe he would have held off for a bit), but I can’t help but wonder if this particular turn of events wasn’t intended to make Simon an “acceptable” love interest – can’t have the wonderful, amazing –Cassandra Clare- Clary Fray ending up with just anyone, can we?

But that’s all for now. I’ve been accepted for an internship which started up a week or so ago, and I’m also doing a summer class, so I can’t guarantee when the next chapter will be up. On top of that, this was about where I stopped my initial read-through, so from here on, I’m going forward semi-blind. So we’ll see how that goes.

Counts

Entirely Pointless: 2 (Total: 29)
Un-Logic: 6 (Total: 28)
You Keep Using That Word: 5 (Total: 50)
Shoddy World Building: 2 (Total: 27)
Rapier Twit: 2 (Total: 37)
Our “Heroes”: 6 (Total: 73)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 (Total: 6)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 11 (Total: 54)
A Word from Our Sponsors: 2 (Total: 5)

Comment [11]

Couldn’t have put it better myself, Vegeta. That’s right, people, I’m back. It’s been a while, but I’m ready to get back to tearing this thing apart.

But before that, a quick refresher in what’s happened so far. Maryse Lightwood, mother of Alec and Isabelle, returned and was not happy to learn that Jace was Voldemort Valentine’s son, and that Voldemort Valentine was still alive, and maybe possibly kicked Jace out to protect her family. Jace responded to this with all the maturity and composure of the spoiled, tantrum-prone child that he is, and went down to the local werewolf bar where he proceeded to pick a fight which he won handily because the author is in love with him (however, CC managed to completely undermine Jace’s alleged badassery by having him down only half a shot. Wimp), and had Luke show up to pull his ass out of the fire before Jace gets the beating he so richly deserves.

Clary’s been living with Luke, and Simon finally makes his move, and Clary reciprocates. Then, for some inexplicable reason (read: The Plot Said So), Clary gets called in to help bring Jace in, because for some equally inexplicable reason (read: The Author Said So), he is more willing to listen to the sister he didn’t know about/object of lust than either of the adopted siblings he’s lived with for years. Sure. Clary manages to convince Jace to go back home, where he and Maryse reconcile, and since none of these events have yet to be mentioned again, they prove to be almost entirely pointless.

We learn that the Inquisitor (Shadowhunter Internal Affairs) is coming, and she really doesn’t like Valentine, and suspects Jace has secretly been spying for Big V the whole time. Rather than working to allay these fears, Jace mouths off to the Inquisitor and gets thrown in a cell in the Silent City for the night. Clary (and probably the readers) are indignant about this, but the whole point is severely undermined by both Alec and Isabelle agreeing with the Inquisitor’s actions.

Meanwhile, Valentine has summoned up a nasty demon for reasons that do not and will never make sense, and has been killing Downworlder kids for strange yet obviously nefarious reasons. Not that any of the main cast care. At all.

Valentine attacks the Silent City, killing everyone there save Jace, and steals this book’s MacGuffin Item – the Soul Sword, which has the utterly useless power of being a magical lie detector. I wish I was kidding.

The other young Shadowhunters (and Clary) find out about the attack and are the only ones to respond, as all the adult Shadowhunters are off playing CSI or something. They free Jace, only to run into the Inquisitor and the rest of the adult Shadowhunters on the way out. Jace faints, but get healed by Magnus Bane, who was in the area for inexplicable reasons. The Inquisitor decides that, rather than take Jace back to the Institute where he can be put under guard 24/7, instead decides to send him home with Magnus for inexplicable reasons (are we noticing a theme here?).

An undefined period of time later, Clary, Alec, and Simon go to Magnus’s place to hash out a new plan. Magnus (pulling information out of his ass) tells them what Valentine is up to – by dipping the MacGuffin Sword in the blood of children from all four races of Downworlder (warlock, werewolf, vampire, and faerie), the sword’s magical alignment (in a bit where CC demonstrates her lack of real nerd-cred) will reverse, and it will suddenly gain the power to summon up demons (a plan which, again, makes no fucking sense). Then Isabelle calls them up to tell them that the local queen of the Seelie court wants to meet with them for – say it with me – inexplicable reasons. Rather than having to go to this meeting with one of their heavy-hitters riding the bench, Magnus reveals that he is a terrible and untrustworthy guardian, because he can just switch Jace for Alec. A prospect which Alec is just fine with, because he and Magnus are dating (sorry, was that a spoiler?).

So Clary, Simon, Jace, and Isabelle go to meet with the faerie queen. Isabelle, despite being the one who actually has experience dealing with faeries takes a back seat to Jace, because CC won’t allow anyone to show up Draco Jace. Clary manages to fuck up and forget the single bit of advice they were given before hand and accidentally drinks a bit of faerie drink, which means that she can’t leave, unless Jace kisses Clary, because that’s “the kiss she most desires.” Why did the queen do this? Take a guess.

That little side-trip having accomplished exactly two things – Jack and shit, and Jack left town – Simon runs off, understandably pissed that his girlfriend would rather make-out with her brother than him. Clary gives up after chasing after Simon for a grand total of ten seconds, and heads back to the Institute, where she and Jace proceed to have yet more drama straight out of a bad soap opera.

Simon then shows up again, having been drained almost dry by the vampires. Raphael, the leader of the vampires, brought him to the Institute, presumably to avoid pissing off the Shadowhunters. The last chapter ended with Clary deciding to bury Simon, which will allow him to complete his transformation into a vampire, and presumably an acceptable romantic interest for Clary.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to the new stuff.

We open with a description of the cemetery where they’re going to bury Simon. It apparently took them a while to get inside (presumably because someone explained to Jace that melting the lock doesn’t qualify as “unlocking”), followed by finding a place where they wouldn’t be spotted digging. And by “they”, I mean Raphael, since he’s the one doing all the work. Given that he’s Latino, and the other three are white, that feels vaguely racist.

Also, how is Raphael here? I mean, we know that vampires in this universe can’t walk on hallowed ground – that’s why he couldn’t enter the Institute. So, is this Jewish cemetery not on hallowed ground? Do cemeteries not count? Or is it because it’s a Jewish cemetery?

I’m going to assume it’s the first one. If only to not delve further into Unfortunate Implications.

Clary asks if Simon’s death was painful, and when Raphael stops working, the narration compares him leaning on the shovel to the gravedigger from Hamlet. Because I guess CC has never actually seen someone digging a hole. Also, to paraphrase a certain maxim of bad film, “never reference a good book in your bad one.” Or in this case, play.

Raphael explains that vampire bites have a narcotic/anesthetic effect, so no, Simon being drained didn’t hurt.

Clary has a brief bout of dizziness for some reason. We’re apparently supposed to take this as evidence of her feeling sick, since Jace insists on taking her away from the scene to recover, despite her insistence. So they go off a ways, and we learn that it’s apparently so cold that Clary can see her breath.

Wait, what time of year is it again? The last book was set in mid-to-late summer, and this is maybe a few weeks after. Now, I live in the South, where the temperature rarely gets below the 40s in winter and everyone panics when it starts snowing, but still.

Anyway, Clary says she feels sick, and we get this response from Jace:

“I know. That’s why I brought you out here. You looked like you were going to throw up on Raphael’s feet.”
She made a soft groaning noise.
“Might have wiped the smirk off his face,” Jace observed reflectively. “There’s that to consider.”

Rapier Twit: 1

You’re one to talk, Jace.

Clary says that this whole situation is her fault. Jace says it’s not. Clary corrects her statement, saying that it’s both they’re fault. To which Jace responds, “How do you figure that?”

Really, Jace? You have no idea at all how something you did might have lead to Simon running off to get sucked dry by vampires? Nothing?

Instead of responding, Clary stares at him for a minute, giving us this:

She looked at him silently for a moment. He needed a haircut. His hair curled the way vines did when they got too long, in looping tendrils, the color of white gold in the moonlight. The scars on his face and throat looked like they had been etched there with metallic ink. He was beautiful, she thought miserably, beautiful and there was nothing there in him, not an expression, not a slant of cheekbone or shape of jaw or curve of lips that bespoke any family resemblance to herself or her mother at all. He didn’t even really look like Valentine.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

This is so not the time for that, CC. My god.

Also, now that I look at it, I’m fairly certain this is supposed to be foreshadowing.

Clary’s brain finally reboots, and she explains what should have been obvious, even to Jace – if they hadn’t kissed, Simon wouldn’t have run off and gotten himself killed.

To which Jace responds with this:

“We were forced to do what we did. It’s not as if we did it for fun, or to hurt him. Besides,” he said, with the ghost of a smile, “you’re my sister.”

I’m of two minds with this. On the one hand, this is further proof that Jace is some kind of psychopath – someone not taking responsibility for their actions is one of the signs someone is a psychopath. On the other hand, it also feels like CC trying to have her cake and eat it too – her self-insert gets to make-out with her Draco knock-off, but not have to feel any guilt for the consequences.

Instead of pointing out what a shitty argument that is (doesn’t matter that you were “forced to” – you still did it; also, Jace actively stopped Clary from going after Simon, so he’s doubly to blame), Clary focuses on that whole “sister” bit. Because that’s what’s important here – not that that kiss literally proved that Clary is still pining after someone else, but that it’s her brother. Yes, the latter makes the former worse, but it doesn’t overshadow it. She asks him not to say it “like that” (like what?), Jace does a little bit about words losing meaning if you say them enough times (see a good example here), and we end with this:

“It doesn’t matter how many times you say it. It’ll still be true.”
“And it doesn’t matter what you won’t let me say, that’ll still be true too.”

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

CC, there’s honestly enough drama here as is. You don’t need to go heaping more on top of it.

Alec thankfully shows up, along with Magnus. So we’re not even going to pretend that the whole “house arrest” thing was ever a problem, I guess. They brought blood, obtained from a halal butcher shop. Jace tells Clary that what’s going to happen won’t be pretty, and says he’ll send Isabelle to comfort Clary. Because I guess want to expose the women-folk to anything that might upset their delicate sensibilities.

A) How would he know how this will go? Has he been to a vampire raising before? Why someone else who might reasonably know all this, like Raphael or even Magnus, explaining this? And B) the ceremony/ritual involves burying the currently-dead body of the would-be vampire. “Pleasant” went out the window a while back.

And shock of shocks, Clary actually brings up one of my first point. The answer is no – Jace has never seen a vampire rise from the grave. So Clary insists that she’s going to be there. Wow. Maybe she’s finally evolving a spine.

They go back to find that Raphael’s finished burying Simon, and Isabelle is sitting off to the side doing… I don’t know what. Honestly, unless she’s being used as a target for scorn, CC doesn’t seem to know what to do with Isabelle. The fact that it’s cold is reiterated, and we learn that Clary is wearing Isabelle’s coat. I’m going to assume she’s just borrowed a coat from Isabelle, rather than leaving Isabelle to suffer, but it honestly wouldn’t surprise me if she (Clary) had.

We learn a bit more about vampires – namely that they call new vampires “fledglings”, which Clary is a little bothered by (it’s “too friendly”) and that freshly-turned vampires have occasionally gotten stuck in the ground in winter, and forced to remain buried until the ground thaws, starving the whole time.

Well, that’s only slightly less terrifying than them being buried forever, yet still utterly fucked-up.

Raphael spots Magnus, and addresses him as High Warlock, so I guess we’re treating that as a real title. And I will continue to treat both it and its bearer with all the respect due his station – which is to say, none at all.

Magnus explains that he’s here because he’s curious. Sure you are, buddy. Also, he uses the term “Night Children”, because that hasn’t gotten old.

You Keep Using That Word: 1

Honestly, I can’t help but think that this should be a fairly private, even secret thing. I mean, real births usually have friends and family of the mother/couple present, but maybe not in the room.

Anyway, Raphael tells Jace that he keeps “surprisingly illustrious company.” Jace responds with this:

“Are you talking about yourself again?” asked Jace. He smoothed the churned dirt with the tip of a boot. “That seems boastful.”

You’re one to talk about boasting, Jace, considering he’s the head of the local vampires, and you’re not worthy of doing the laundry for the Institute. Cripes, take the fucking complement.

Our “Heroes”: 1

And then, well… this happens:

“Maybe he meant me,” said Alec. Everyone looked at him in surprise. Alec so rarely made jokes. He smiled nervously. “Sorry,” he said. “Nerves.”

I think that response is less surprise at Alec making a joke and more feeling awkward about how terrible it is. Not that that’ll stop me.

Rapier Twit: 2

I mean, my god, even the other characters thought that was terrible.

And we come back to it being really cold. Thankfully, Raphael explains what’s up, making it not stupid and pointless detail to keep harping on (don’t get me wrong – it’s still kinda stupid, but not stupid and pointless). Turns out excessive cold is part of the vampire raising – the fledgling (in this case, Simon) “draws strength from the living things that surround it,” which apparently manifests as feeling cold. You’d think they might feel weak or tired, but I guess that would be too obvious.

And then Clary points out that Raphael doesn’t appear to feel cold. So he points of the fucking obvious – he’s not alive.

Our “Heroes”: 2

Apparently everyone’s standing on top of the freshly dug grave, because Raphael has to tell them all to back off. Clary bumps into Isabelle, who doesn’t look so good, and in a surprising display of empathy, Clary asks if something’s wrong.

And here’s Isabelle’s answer:

“Everything,” Isabelle said. “Clary, maybe we should have just let him go—”

What the actual fuck, Isabelle? No, no, I shouldn’t blame you. I should blame CC – after all, she’s the one who doesn’t seem to know how to keep your character consistent. Isabelle regularly hangs out with (and is probably dating) one of the Seelie queen’s guards, but for some reason doesn’t like vampires. I’m just going to assume this is so Clary can look good by comparison, seeing as this is how Clary responds:

“Let him die, you mean.” Clary jerked her arm out of Isabelle’s grip. “Of course that’s what you think. You think everyone who isn’t just like you is better off dead anyway.”

Well, Clary, considering A) you barely acknowledge Simon when he’s there, and almost never when he’s not, and B) had/still have the hots for Jace, who’s basically the poster-boy for the supernatural Hitler Youth, you have no room to complain.

Our “Heroes”: 4

One for both of you.

Back to the action, for lack of a better word.

There’s some vague descriptions of what’s going on, and finally Simon’s hand bursts out of the ground. Clary starts to run forward, only to be grabbed by Raphael. Clary insists that Simon needs help, but Raphael tells her that Simon needs to dig himself out, and that this way is “better”. Clary counters that that isn’t her way, and runs for the grave again.

Simon does manage to dig himself out on his own, but he isn’t moving. Clary starts freaking out, but then Simon grabs her, throws her to the ground, and starts going for her neck, only for Raphael to grab her and toss her aside like it’s no big deal. Oh, and Raphael reiterates that he told her to stay back.

Gotta say, I’m really starting to like Raphael. Let’s hope CC doesn’t ruin his character later.

Clary complains that Simon didn’t recognize her, but Raphael explains that he (Simon) did, but doesn’t care, because he’s starving. On the one hand, Raphael probably could have mentioned that, but she A) knew they had brought blood there for a reason, and B) refused to listen to the actual expert. So as far as I’m concerned, Clary almost getting her throat ripped out by her “best friend”/ex-boyfriend is a-okay in my book.

However, I can’t help but feel that this is a bit of a missed opportunity for world building. What if, along with the whole “they’ll be starving” thing, letting vampire fledglings dig themselves out was a right of passage among vampires, like a christening or a bris? In order for new vampire to prove themselves worthy, they have to rise on their own – any that can’t are written off as being too weak. Yes, it’s a bit heartless, but it would be something to make these vampires feel more developed.

Jace, being a coward as well as lazy, passes Raphael the bag containing the blood. Raphael opens it, and for some reason the blood is in smaller bags. I’m not sure why, since it’s from a butcher’s shop, not a blood bank. Raphael rips one open and hands it to Simon.

And CC produces an actual good bit of writing once again:

And Simon, who had been a vegetarian since he was ten years old, who wouldn’t drink milk that wasn’t organic, who fainted at the sight of needles— Simon snatched the packet of blood out of Raphael’s thin brown hand and tore into it with his teeth.

It’s a nice bit of contrast, and really demonstrates how becoming a vampire has changed him. Or it would, if any of this had been mentioned before. But I’ll let that slide, since there was never any reason to bring any of it up.

While Raphael gets Simon settled, Clary wanders off and pukes. I guess I can’t blame her, but she was told that this wouldn’t be pretty. Then she collapses, and the chapter is brought to a close with this:

She rested her hot face against the cool dirt and thought, for the first time, that maybe the dead weren’t so unlucky after all.

I’m sure CC intended for that to come across as deep, but it isn’t. For that to work, the alternative to being dead has to clearly be worse than death. The only real time or place where I can think that sort of thing would apply would be the trenches of the First World War, and even then only in certain places. Here, it feels like Clary’s whining that Simon didn’t embrace her when he popped out of the grave.

This chapter as a whole wasn’t terrible. It wasn’t great, but it doesn’t feel like CC wrote it just to inflate her word count – unlike some other chapters. And it’s short, so that helps.

Still, it does feel like the actual plot (thwarting Valentine’s Evil Scheme) has taken a bit of a back seat to Teen Drama since chapter 8. Maybe that’ll start to change with the next chapter, but given that we still have a little more than half the book left (judging by my copy) I wouldn’t count on it.

Counts

Entirely Pointless: 0 (Total: 29)
Un-Logic: 0 (Total: 28)
You Keep Using That Word: 1 (Total: 51)
Shoddy World Building: 0 (Total: 27)
Rapier Twit: 2 (Total: 39)
Our “Heroes”: 4 (Total: 77)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 (Total: 6)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 2 (Total: 56)
A Word from Our Sponsors: 0 (Total: 5)

Comment [19]

Hello, ladies, gentlemen, and others. No recapping this time, since very little actually happened last chapter. So, let’s get right to it.

The chapter opens up with Clary in Beth Israel Hospital, which is apparently where her mother is being kept. We’re told that the hospital’s interior makes her think of Antarctica, what with its interior being gray, white, or light blue. Okay, fair enough. Then she wonders about how Luke can somehow afford to keep her mom in a private room, and considers asking him when he comes back, as he’s gone to get coffee (which we’re told is terrible, but whatever).

That’s actually a good question. So I won’t be surprised when it goes unanswered.

Clary then turns her attention to her mother, and we’re told how she always feels awkward when she’s visited her mom in the hospital (would have been nice to see this, CC), because apparently the only other times she’s seen her mother’s face that still is when she (Jocelyn) was angry. After a bit of filler describing Jocelyn’s hands, Clary explains why she’s here:

“It’s Simon. Something’s happened to him. Something that was my fault.”

I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, it’s nice that we’re finally getting to see Clary visit her comatose mother – you know, the only real family she’s ever had. But on the other hand, she’s only here because she feels guilty, and needs to confess to somebody so that CC can justify absolving her of any wrongdoing. And her guilt isn’t even over her mother – it’s over her back-up love interest. So I’m going to give her one of these:

*Our “Heroes”: 1

Clary recaps everything that’s happened, but we’re spared having to sit through the whole mess, thank Yog-Sothoth. After that, Clary says that she’s “screwed everything up royally” – truer words have never been spoken – and goes into this whole spiel about how growing up means having regrets, so that must mean Clary’s growing up now – yeah gonna call bullshit on that – and caps it off by bursting into tears because Jocelyn is in a coma, and thus can’t help or comfort her – the first time in this scene where Clary’s emotions have even vaguely focused on someone other than herself.

Luke shows up and they leave. During the drive, he admits that he overheard Clary’s confession, and we get to giving her absolution. Instead of trying to tear it apart bit by bit, or post the whole thing here, I’m just going to put it in script format. Every word of this is directly from the text – only descriptions and some extraneous bits have been removed.

Part I:

Luke: “What happened to Simon wasn’t your fault.”
Clary: “It’s a nice thing to say, but of course it was my fault. Everything that happened to Simon was my fault.”
Luke: “Because he was angry at you when he went back to the hotel? He didn’t go back to the hotel because he was angry at you, Clary. I’ve heard of situations like this before. They call them ‘darklings,’ those who are half-turned. He would have felt drawn back to the hotel by a compulsion he couldn’t control.”
Clary: “Because he had Raphael’s blood in him. But that would never have happened either if it weren’t for me. If I hadn’t brought him to that party—”
Luke: “You thought it would be safe there. You weren’t putting him in any danger you hadn’t put yourself in. You can’t torture yourself like this. There’s no point to it. Look, In [sic] all the years I’ve known him, there’s always been exactly one place Simon wanted to be, and he’s always fought like hell to make sure he got there and stayed there.”
Clary: “Where’s that?”
Luke: “Wherever you were. Remember when you fell out of that tree on the farm when you were ten, and broke your arm? Remember how he made them let him ride with you in the ambulance on the way to the hospital? He kicked and yelled till they gave in.”
Clary: “You laughed, and my mom hit you in the shoulder.”
Luke: “It was hard not to laugh. Determination like that in a ten-year-old is something to see. He was like a pit bull.”
Clary: “If pit bulls wore glasses and were allergic to ragweed.”
Luke: *“You can’t put a price on that kind of loyalty.”
Clary: “I know. Don’t make me feel worse.”
Luke: “Clary, I’m telling you he made his own decisions. What you’re blaming yourself for is being what you are. And that’s no one’s fault and nothing you can change. You told him the truth and he made up his own mind what he wanted to do about that. Everyone has choices to make; no one has the right to take those choices away from us. Not even out of love.”

This last bit I’m going to give to you verbatim, because if I had to suffer through reading it, so do you:

“But that’s just it,” Clary said. “When you love someone, you don’t have a choice.” She thought of the way her heart had contracted when Isabelle had called to tell her Jace was missing. She’d left the house without a moment’s thought or hesitation. “Love takes your choices away.”

So, that was CC trying to have her cake and eat it, too – Clary feels bad about what happened to Simon (which she should!), no doubt in an attempt to gain audience sympathy, only to have the Reasonable Authority Figure step in to tell her that “it’s not your fault,” and therefore she shouldn’t feel bad.

Now let’s go through it bit by bit.

First, I got the impression that half the reason Simon stormed off in the first place was because Clary made-out with Jace. And the only reason he was there was because she dragged him along. I don’t even remember why either of them had to go to fairy-land in the first place, other than CC is railroading her characters like a bad DM. As for what happened in the last book, Clary should feel even more guilty, since she “ thought it would be safe” and his life still ended up in danger.

Second, with regards to Simon’s slavish devotion to Clary, that should make her feel responsible for him – if he’s willing to literally go to Hell and back for her, then it’s Clary’s responsibility to make sure she doesn’t do shit like that.

Quick sidebar – I recently finished First Lord’s Fury, the last book in Jim Butcher’s Codex Alera series. One of the main plot threads is the main protagonist, Tavi, leading a make-shift army to save the remnants of his people from a nasty bug-like race. At one point, one of the side characters thinks something along the lines of “every man in this army would follow Tavi into Hell if he asked them to”. They are that loyal to him. And Tavi feels the weight of that loyalty – when the bugs attack their camp and they only suffer light casualties, he’s still angry, because he’s been leading these men for years, and doesn’t want any of them to die.

Loyalty is a two-way street. Clary might not have forced Simon to do anything, but she should still know that she’s capable of making him do stuff, and should act accordingly.

Also, what the fuck does Luke know about loyalty? He’s only the guy who has lead his own packs into fights that may or may not concern them twice, abandoned his first pack shortly afterwards to chase after his not-girlfriend, and defended the guy who attacked his current pack.

I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again – Luke is the werewolf version of Vidkun Quisling.

Now the counts:

*Our “Heroes”: 5

One for each time Luke explained how it totally isn’t Clary’s fault that Simon’s a bloodsucking creature of the night.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

For being reminded yet again of how much Clary luuuuuuuuvvvs Jace.

You Keep Using That Word: 1

For a grammatical error – see that “[sic]” up there? That “In” is capitalized in-text because CC had a dialogue tag right before that, and closed it with a period. Guess she doesn’t know that you can end those with a comma when it’s not a complete sentence.

Oh, and the Kindle program on my computer tells me that 2,225 people have highlighted that “Everyone has choices” sentence. Guess a lot of CC’s fans don’t like being made to feel responsible for other people’s actions.

And speaking of Jace, Luke, for no apparent reason, asks if Clary’s heard anything from him. Because that’s who we should be concerned about right now – not the kid who’s whole life has probably been ripped away from him, no, we need to worry about the moody asshole who thinks violence is an acceptable means of expressing his feelings.

Clary’s response is so sickening I have to share it with you. Because if I have to suffer, so do you.

“Oh.” Jace had called her cell phone several times and left messages. She hadn’t picked up or called him back. Not talking to him was her penance for what had happened to Simon. It was the worst way she could think to punish herself. “No, I haven’t.”

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Fuck you, CC. I don’t care how much she luuuurvs Jace – Clary’s basically cut off her own phone privileges. Because I guess grounding herself was too harsh; that’s reserved for if she murders someone.

Oh, and don’t think I missed you referring to this as “penance” either. I doubt that Clary (or possibly you, for that matter) would know what real penance is. Fuck, Clary is such a goddamn over-dramatic teenager. And the fact that I’m supposed to take this seriously only makes it worse.

Oh, but the Jace Wayland pity party is only getting started. Here’s what Luke says next:

Luke’s voice was carefully neutral. “You might want to. Just to see if he’s all right. He’s probably having a pretty bad time of it, considering—”

Considering what? Please, tell me how you were going to finish that sentence, Luke – I really want to know. Considering that he mouthed off to the wrong person and finally had to suffer some form of punishment for it? Considering that his second round of being imprisoned basically amounted to house arrest, and he still got out of that via authorial fiat? What?

I’m going to move on before blood starts dripping out my nose.

Clary tells Luke to call Magnus if he wants an update on Jace. Luke says that Magnus can tell him about how Jace is doing physically, but not mentally, implying that only Clary can get or figure that out. Because they just know each other so well and all. But Clary insists that she’s not going to call Jace, and that Simon probably not doing all that well mentally either.

Nice to see her finally giving a shit about Simon. Too bad he literally had to die to get her attention.

And we come to another bit that must be seen to be believed:

Luke sighed. “If he’s having trouble coming to terms with his condition, maybe he should—”
“Of course he’s having trouble!” She shot Luke an accusing look, though he was concentrating on traffic and didn’t notice. “You of all people ought to understand what it’s like to—”
“Wake up a monster one day?” Luke didn’t sound bitter, just weary. “You’re right, I do understand. And if he ever wants to talk to me, I’d be happy to tell him all about it. He will get through this, even if he thinks he won’t.”

Here’s the thing, Luke – Simon probably needs someone to talk to about what he’s going through. As I see it, he’s got two options: you, or Raphael. Now, Raphael might have gone through the same thing as Simon, but he doesn’t really know Simon. So instead of waiting for Simon to come to you, why don’t you get off your lazy ass and talk to him? Fuck, at least you could tell him the same thing you just told Clary.

Clary points out that at least Luke knew vampires and werewolves existed before he was turned – Simon would have to first convince people that vampires are real first. Oh, but Luke’s got that covered: he got Simon a pamphlet – How to Come Out to Your Parents!

I can’t even get mad any more. We’re only four pages on my Kindle program in, and I’m already angered-out.

Clary has the presence of mind to point out that being gay and being a vampire are not the same thing, but Luke persists, suggesting that Simon could maybe fiddle with one of the pre-written speeches.

Before I discuss this, I’m going to get this out of the way:

Rapier Twit: 1

Now, on to the other issue. There’s a prevalence in certain genres (namely Urban Fantasy and certain Sci-Fi works) to treat supernaturals (or mutants, or whatever) as stand-ins for various minorities. And while I commend the authors for trying to use their work as a means of discussing the issues such people face, but there’s one problem (which Clary actually points out) – being a vampire (or werewolf, or mutant, or whatever) isn’t the same as being gay (or black, or trans, or whatever). Mostly because the former tend to have some kind of special abilities that make them more dangerous than the latter. The latter being treated unfairly because of what they are is totally unjustified – doing the same with the former, not so much.

And I guess this means that if I lived in the Marvel universe, I would probably vote for mutant registration. I mean, have you seen what some of those guys can do? You’re damn right I think they should be in a database somewhere.

They finally reach Luke’s house, and find Simon sitting on the porch. Isn’t it amazing how these conversations always take exactly the right amount of time it takes for these characters to drive anywhere? Even if the drive-time is several times longer than it would take to have the entire conversation?

Anyway, Clary decides to act somewhat like an adult and talk to Simon, while Luke, the actual adult, runs off. Oh, it’s presented as him trying to give them some privacy, but I can’t help but view it as him desperately avoiding having to take any responsibility for these children at all. It fits so well with the interpretation I’ve built of him.

Clary has a flashback to them taking Simon back to his house after the last chapter. Why we didn’t get to see any of this firsthand, I don’t know. Guess that would put the focus on Simon and his legitimate problems, rather than Clary and her fake ones.

Oh, and the flashback ends with this:

“Clary,” Jace had whispered, and he’d reached for her hand, but she’d recoiled from him just as Simon had recoiled from the light. She wouldn’t touch him. She’d never touch him again. That was her penance, her payment for what she’d done to Simon.

Because once again, not being able to make out with a guy she has every reason to believe is her brother is such a huge punishment.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

Clary says hi, Simon gets up, and it’s described like this:

He stood up in one single smooth graceful movement that sent a chill up her spine. There was one thing Simon had never been, and that was graceful.

The reason I point this out is because this has literally never been mentioned before. If anything, Clary is supposed to be the clumsy one; it was mentioned back in chapter 2 of the previous book. Look:

Jocelyn even had a graceful way of walking that made people turn their heads to watch her go by. Clary, by contrast, was always tripping over her feet. The only time people turned to watch her go by was when she hurtled past them as she fell downstairs.

Clary’s supposed clumsiness was never demonstrated or brought up again (which implies a lack of proper editing or rewrites), but my point stands.

They head inside, and the conversation eventually moves to Simon’s problem hiding his new vampire-ness from his parents – his eyesight is now fine, which he can easily explain as getting contact lenses, but he’s been claiming to have the flu for two days now (so we finally know how long it’s been), and he can’t keep that up forever.

“Clary, what am I going to do? My mom keeps bringing me food and I have to throw it out the window— I haven’t been outside in two days, but I don’t know how much longer I can go on pretending I have the flu. Eventually she’s going to bring me to the doctor, and then what? I don’t have a heartbeat. He’ll tell her that I’m dead.”
“Or write you up as a medical miracle,” said Clary.
“It’s not funny.”

No, Simon, it’s not. Again, when even the characters point out how bad the jokes are, you know something’s wrong.

Rapier Twit: 2

Also, Simon’s developed an unhealthy obsession with blood:

“I keep thinking about blood,” Simon said. “I dream about it. Wake up thinking about it. Pretty soon I’ll be writing morbid emo poetry about it.”

And once again, that’s kinda funny. Even in the depths of despair, Simon’s still the funniest character in this series.

If you’re wondering what Simon’s been doing so far, it turns out that Magnus gave him some bottles of blood, which Simon’s been keeping in his private mini-fridge. But Simon’s worried about what he’ll do when he runs out. Luckily, Clary’s here to reassure him:

“You won’t. We’ll get you some more,” Clary said, with more confidence than she felt. She supposed she could always hit up Magnus’s friendly local supplier of lamb’s blood, but the whole business made her queasy.

Wow, what a wonderful friend she is. “I’ll gladly help you, so long as I don’t have to deal with anything gross.”

Our “Heroes”: 6

Clary says that Simon’s going to have to tell his mother about this at some point, but Simon resists the idea. So Clary tries using Luke as proof that Downworlders can still lead normal lives. I’m not sure that Luke is a good example, considering he spent so much time chasing after Jocelyn, and recently got dragged back into this mess. Also, being a werewolf means (or at least should mean) having to put yourself on lock-down for maybe a few nights every month – being a vampire has a lot more restrictions.

And it’s that last bit that Simon’s most worried about – specifically, how it will impact their relationship:

“And what about us? Do you want a vampire boyfriend?” He laughed bitterly. “Because I foresee many romantic picnics in our future. You, drinking a virgin piña colada. Me, drinking the blood of a virgin.”

Counts:

Rapier Twit: 3

Because that joke was terrible.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4

Because of course that’s the most important thing – his ability to date the author’s self-insert.

And to top it all off, we get this:

“Think of it as a handicap,” Clary urged. “You just have to learn how to work your life around it. Lots of people do it.”
“I’m not sure I’m people. Not anymore.”
“You are to me,” she said. “Anyway, being human is overrated.”
“At least Jace can’t call me mundane anymore.”

Ooo, so close. You started off good there, CC, with Clary being all nice and supportive. Then you had to ruin it with Simon being a little emo shit. Then you made it worse with Clary’s “being human is overrated” comment – of course she thinks that, she’s thought that since the moment she found out she wasn’t exactly human. And then the cherry on the shit sundae – the idea that Jace not being a racist dick to Simon is somehow a good thing. Not that he’d stop being racist, period, but that he’d stop being mean to Simon. And not even because of something Simon did (like, say, save all their asses from a super-demon), but because Simon isn’t human any more.

Our “Heroes”: 8

One for Clary, and another for CC speaking through Simon.

Simon finally notices the pamphlet Clary’s been holding, and she hands it over. Thankfully, Simon is back to form and treats the idea with all the seriousness it deserves. I’ll just post the whole bit for you guys. Maybe it’ll wash out some of the taste from the other stuff:

“But you have to come out as a vampire,” Clary pointed out. “Luke thought maybe you could, you know, use one of the suggested speeches in the pamphlet, except use the word ‘undead’ instead of—”
“I get it, I get it.” Simon spread the pamphlet open. “Here, I’ll practice on you.” He cleared his throat. “Mom. I have something to tell you. I’m undead. Now, I know you may have some preconceived notions about the undead. I know you may not be comfortable with the idea of me being undead. But I’m here to tell you that the undead are just like you and me.” Simon paused. “Well, okay. Possibly more like me than you.”
“SIMON.”
“All right, all right.” He went on. “The first thing you need to understand is that I’m the same person I always was. Being undead isn’t the most important thing about me. It’s just part of who I am. The second thing you should know is that it isn’t a choice. I was born this way.” Simon squinted at her over the pamphlet. “Sorry, reborn this way.”
Clary sighed. “You’re not trying.”
“At least I can tell her you buried me in a Jewish cemetery,” Simon said, abandoning the pamphlet.

Gee, Clary, maybe he’s treating this proposal like a joke because it’s a really stupid idea. I thought you understood that back when Luke brought it up. Did you change your mind in the last few minutes?

Simon proposes they try telling his sister first – maybe she’ll be more open to the idea? Who knows – and Clary offers to come along as moral support. Simon asks if she’s serious, but before Clary can answer, there’s a loud noise of a car hitting something outside.

Nice save there, CC.

They go to the window and see that Luke ran something over. At first, Clary thinks it might be a person, then realizes that it’s something under a glamour. Luke jumps out of the car and runs for the house, and Simon figures out he’s running towards Maia, who’s laying on the porch. The description of all this is confusing as hell – at first, I thought Luke had run over Maia and was ignoring her. Not that that’d be out of character for him.

Simon and Clary spring into action, by which I mean run to the porch to stare at the injured werewolf girl. Maia’s got a nasty gash in her shoulder, and is bleeding out. Simon notices this and kinda freaks, because vampire, and Clary pays more attention to this fact than the injured and possibly dying girl. Because of course she does.

Our “Heroes”: 9

Regardless, they manage to get Maia inside and somewhat settled, though no one seems to have done anything about her wound. You’d think keeping her from bleeding out would have been one of the first things they’d do.

Our “Heroes”: 10

Instead, they start interrogating her. Maia was walking across the lawn, then got attacked by something, but she didn’t see what. Luke did see the thing following her, and tried to warn Maia by yelling out the window.

Okay, how oblivious are these people?

First – Luke? Yelling out the window of your truck? I’ll let K9 field this one:

Cars have this amazing thing that drivers can use to get people’s attention – it’s called a horn. Use it, dumbass.

Second – Maia? How did you fail to notice the truck coming towards you? I doubt it’s one of those super-silent electrical or hybrid cars, and the lights were on, as per the description after Luke hit the whatever-it-was.

Our “Heroes”: 12

One for each of you.

And speaking of the whatever-it-was, we finally get a name for it – it’s a Drevak demon. Apparently they’re blind, so they track by smell. Okay.

Clary looks out the window and sees that it is no longer underneath the wheels of Luke’s truck, but she isn’t worried about this, since the narration kindly reminds us that demons go back to their native dimensions when killed. Personally, I’d want to confirm that it didn’t just slink away, but I’m cautious like that.

Then Clary asks why such a thing would attack Maia, and wonders if it was sent by Valentine. She even goes on to explain why Valentine might attack Maia. But Luke shoots that idea down:

“I don’t think so,” Luke said, to her surprise. “Drevak demons aren’t bloodsuckers and they definitely couldn’t cause the kind of mayhem you saw in the Silent City. Mostly they’re spies and messengers. I think Maia just got in its way.”

Not sure why that first bit’s there – no one mentioned anything about it having attacked the Silent City. And who else would send a demon to spy on your house, Luke?

Luke finally gets around to dealing with Maia’s wound, and discovers that several of the demon’s spines (because apparently they have spines instead of teeth) broke off in Maia’s shoulder. Oh, and the spines are poisonous, and they need to get them out quickly to save Maia’s life. Good thing we didn’t waste any time on stupid shit, eh?

Our “Heroes”: 13

Simon comes back in (he left at some point – it’s not important) and notices the spines in Maia’s shoulder. He responds accordingly:

He dropped the blanket when he saw Maia’s arm, and took an involuntary step back. “What are those?”

Unfortunately, Maia’s character gets ruined for no apparent reason:

“Squeamish about blood, mundane?” Maia said, with a small, twisted smile.

Goddamnit, CC, I liked Maia. Hell, she actually seemed to envy Simon being a plain-old human. And she knows his name – so why would she call him “mundane”, let alone be smug about it?

*Our “Heroes”: 14

We’re almost done, folks.

Luke pulls out a knife and gets ready to start cutting the spines out, but first Maia says she doesn’t want Simon or Clary to see it happen. Because that’s what’s important – not saving your life, no, but making sure your peers don’t see you in any pain. Maia, you could die. This is not the time to worry about your street cred.

Also, what if Luke needs help? Doctors don’t perform surgery alone, you know – there’s whole teams of people involved in even minor procedures.

But Luke acquiesces, and tells Clary and Simon to call the Institute and have them send someone over to help. Oh, and for added tension, we learn that Maia’s arm is turning purple.

Which would be a whole lot more effective if we hadn’t wasted so much time before hand.

Our “Heroes”: 15

And that’s it for this chapter.

I have a few thoughts before I close this entry out.

Now, I’m okay with having a chapter devoted solely to responding to Simon becoming a vampire. It’s a big deal, so it shouldn’t be brushed aside.

That said, this book’s been meandering since the beginning of part 2, which was waaay back in chapter 8. Instead of advancing the main plot, we’ve gotten bogged down in this sub-plot. It’s like an RPG, where you spend a couple hours finishing off all the little side-quests before moving on and advancing the main storyline.

Except that’s excusable in an RPG, because A) people doing that are likely trying to get the fullest experience of the game, and B) they aren’t forced to do that, and can move on at any time. That’s not the case here. Here, we have to wade through four chapters of this crap before seeing even the slightest hint of the main plot.

Anyway, we’re not about half way through this mess. With any luck, it’ll all be downhill from here.

But I kinda doubt that, because I’m not that lucky.

Counts

Entirely Pointless: 0 (Total: 29)
Un-Logic: 0 (Total: 28)
You Keep Using That Word: 1 (Total: 52)
Shoddy World Building: 0 (Total: 27)
Rapier Twit: 3 (Total: 42)
Our “Heroes”: 15 (Total: 92)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 (Total: 6)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 4 (Total: 60)
A Word from Our Sponsors: 0 (Total: 5)

Comment [6]

Hey everybody. Sorry for the radio silence. I went to Dragon*Con over Labor Day weekend, followed by a big-ish project for grad school, coupled with a nasty case of con-crud (lasted about a week!). After that, I just didn’t feel like getting back to this. As much as I enjoy doing this, can you really blame me for avoiding it?

But now I’m back, and I’ll try to keep the intervals between postings shorter. We’ll see how long that lasts.

Anyway, quick refresher about what’s happened. But first, this:

Think of that as the spoonful of sugar.

So far, we’ve spent several chapters focusing on a sub-plot about Simon becoming a vampire. Last chapter, Clary finally visited her mother, but only as a means of going “poor me”. Luke acted as intended audience surrogate and explained to Clary that what happened to Simon totally wasn’t her fault, even though it kind of was. He also said he would totally be there if Simon needed a sympathetic ear, but as per every other time he has to take responsibility for others, ran off with his tail between his legs. Also, he proposed Simon use a “coming out to your parents” pamphlet to explain what’s happened to him to his mom, which was treated with all the respect it deserved (i.e. none at all).

Then the plot literally crashed on the front lawn in the form of a demon attacking Maia, the werewolf girl who hasn’t been seen since… I don’t even remember. Chapter four? Whatever. Now Luke’s in the other room performing impromptu surgery to get some of the demon’s teeth/spines/whatever-because-CC-doesn’t-understand-biology out of Maia on his own because for some reason Maia’s more concerned with her rep than not dying, and thus Clary and Simon were told to call the Institute because… I guess there’s no one else they can call about this.

Chapter twelve begins with us in Simon’s POV. Normally, this would be a breath of fresh air, but CC has a sort-of reverse-Midas’ touch when it comes to characters.

So, what’s Simon doing? Worrying about his new friend who could be dying in the next room? Frantically searching for the Institute’s phone number? Trying to make Clary calm the fuck down?

Nope. He’s oggling Clary.

Simon watched Clary as she leaned against the refrigerator, biting her lip like she always did when she was upset.

Our “Heroes”: 1

First. Fucking Sentence.

Simon goes on to think about how small and tiny and delicate Clary is, and how much he want to hold her and comfort her, but he can’t because he has super vampire strength now and might accidentally hurt her. Here’s my response to that:

And just to rub salt in the wound, Simon’s thoughts then turn to Jace. And because misery loves company, you all get to see it, too:

Jace, he knew, didn’t feel that way. Simon had watched with a sick feeling in his stomach, unable to look away, as Jace had taken Clary in his arms and kissed her with such force Simon had thought one or both of them might shatter. He’d held her as if he wanted to crush her into himself, as if he could fold the two of them into one person.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Jesus tap-dancing Christ, CC. We get it. The Big Kiss from chapter eight was the most Epic of all Epic Kisses, putting even Wesley and Buttercup’s from Princess Bride to shame. Can we please move on now?

(Also, this kinda makes me wonder what her relationship with her SO is like, if for her Hot and Passionate trumps easy and comfortable. Sometimes you just want someone you can eat pizza and watch a movie with, you know?)

But then we get to this:

Of course Clary was strong, stronger than Simon gave her credit for.

And my reaction:

Yeah, he might be referring to physical strength, but it’s still hilarious. Clary is one of the weakest, most pathetic characters, let alone protagonists, that I’ve ever seen. The only times she ever stands up to anyone are in matters where either Jace (her main love interest) or Simon (her back-up love interest) are somehow concerned. Even then all she ever does is whine and stamp her foot like a toddler, not bothering to actually contribute to solving the problem (no wounding that one werewolf in the previous book doesn’t count). She could be excised from this whole series and nothing would change.

So Simon’s train of thought goes into describing the current status of their relationship, and how he’d react if it fell apart.:

what they had between them was still as fragile as a flickering candle flame, as delicate as eggshell— and he knew that if it shattered, if he somehow let it break and be destroyed, something inside him would shatter too, something that could never be fixed.

So apparently if Clary broke up with him for some reason, Simon would become the most emo of all vampires, and probably start writing lots of sad poetry that he’d post on Facebook. He just luuuurvs Clary that much, because she’s just that amazing and wonderful and awesome.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

The things I put myself through for you people.

And that’s the first three paragraphs. Yeah, it’s gonna be one of those chapters.

And just to prove my point, here’s the next bit, and it’s the first piece of dialogue:

“Simon.” Her voice brought him back down to earth. “Simon, are you listening to me?”

Yep. Simon was so preoccupied thinking about how hot Clary is and how he’d just die (again) if she ever left him, that he completely zoned out and forgot that there’s an injured girl in the next room and they were supposed to be calling for help.

*Our “Heroes”: 2

What the fuck have you done to him, CC?

Simon tries to cover his behavior and says that he’s totally listening, and then this happens (sorry for all the quotes, but a mere description couldn’t do this justice):

He leaned against the sink, trying to look as if he’d been paying attention. The tap was dripping, which momentarily distracted him again— each silvery drop of water seemed to shimmer, tear-shaped and perfect, just before it fell. Vampire sight was a strange thing, he thought. His attention kept getting caught by the most ordinary things— the glitter of water, the flowering cracks in a bit of pavement, the sheen of oil on a road— as if he’d never seen them before.

Now, I get what CC’s going for – as a vampire, Simon now has senses far more acute than he’s used to, so little things that he previously ignored are now more noticeable. Hell, Louis in Interview With a Vampire got distracted staring at Lestat’s buttons after he got turned. But in that situation, I’m pretty sure that A) Louis had just become a vampire, whereas Simon’s had at least a little while to adjust (why wasn’t he this distracted in the previous chapter?), and B) Lestat wasn’t talking to Louis (I could be wrong about that – it’s been a long time since I read Interview, and I never finished it).

Regardless, Simon gets yet another one of these:

Our “Heroes”: 3

But Clary’s not to be outdone! She yells at Simon again (I guess we actually read his thought process in real-time – maybe becoming a vampire actually kills some brain cells), and we find out what’s got her so worked up – she wants Simon to call Jace! Simon asks why she can’t do that herself, pointing out that Jace kinda hates him. Clary claims that Jace doesn’t hate Simon, but even she doesn’t believe that. Oh, and her justification for why she isn’t doing this herself? That she “[doesn’t] wasn’t to talk to him [Jace].” Right, because I guess “punishing” yourself trumps saving a girl’s life.

Our “Heroes”: 4

Also, why do we want to call Jace specifically? Wasn’t it established in the last book that he doesn’t give a shit about learning anything that doesn’t have to do with killing stuff?

Can CC not be bothered to keep her own characters’ traits straight?

So Simon calls Jace, and their conversation is filled with yet more Teen Soap Opera bullshit, because apparently CC still isn’t sick of this crap. I got sick of this when Rowling did it in Order of the Phoenix, and Harry had the justifications of being an orphan, being 15, and knowing that Magical Hitler personally had it out for him. None of which apply to this scenario.

Also, we get this nice reminder of what a catch Jace is:

“If you’re calling me up just to chat, mundane, you must be lonelier than I thought.”

Our “Heroes”: 5

Yeah, fuck you too, Jace.

Anyway, Simon explains what’s happened, and Jace agrees to come and bring Magnus and Alec with him. Now let’s think about this: of the three of them, only one has to this point demonstrated any acumen with healing people – Magnus. So why the heck are Jace and Alec coming?

Simon tells Clary. She’s momentarily confused as to why Jace was with Magnus, and then remembers that – oh yeah – Jace is supposed to be under house arrest or something. Once again, Magnus is demonstrating how ill-suited he is for this position.

At this point, Maia cries out in pain, reminding us all that she still exists. Simon reassures Clary that “Luke wouldn’t hurt Maia.” Which leads to Clary having a freak-out:

“He is hurting her. He has no choice,” Clary said. She was shaking her head. “That’s how it always is these days. There’s never any choice.” Maia cried out again and Clary gripped the edge of the counter as if she were in pain herself. “I hate this!” she burst out. “I hate all of it! Always being scared, always wondering who’s going to get hurt next. I wish I could go back to the way things used to be!”

Yeah, nice try CC. I’d maybe buy this if Clary had ever demonstrated any concern for other people that either lasted longer than a chapter, or wasn’t either Jace or Simon. And it doesn’t help that, rather than Clary focusing on Maia, she’s instead turning the focus back to herself – how much she hates this, how scared she is, how scared she is.

Our “Heroes”: 6

I’m sure that wasn’t what CC was going for, but given how she’s written Clary so far, it’s hard not to read it like that. Especially given how she eager she’s been to embrace being a Shadowhunter.

Also, nice use of passive voice there, CC.

You Keep Using That Word: 1

Yeah, it might not be “wrong” per-say, but it should still be avoided.

So Simon points out that at least she can go out in the sunlight, which makes Clary feel upset for a moment, and then Simon goes to check on Maia.

Maia’s not looking so good, no doubt due to major blood loss. Guess Luke didn’t bother with a tourniquet. Why am I not surprised.

Simon asks where Luke is, and Maia explains that he’s moving the truck. I get that he’s only going out for a minute, but you’d think he’d tell either Clary or Simon to keep an eye on Maia, what with her being injured and all.

Maia says she’s thirsty, so Simon gets her some water, but when he hands her the glass, she realizes he’s a vampire. And since the characters in this book can’t be reasonable, Maia completely ignores their previous interaction and common sense, and instead gets all pissy about it. Simon tries to explain, but Maia attacks him, scratching his face and dropping the towel covering her wounds. The blood causes Simon to start to lose control, and Maia gets ready to pounce, when Clary of all people bursts in and actually does something useful.

Yeah, I know. So yeah, Clary bursts in and chucks a knife at Maia, neatly pinning the other girl’s sleeve to the couch. It seems that the only thing Clary can actually do is throw knives at werewolves.

We have a scene break, and suddenly we’re in Clary’s POV. Joy.

There’s a brief explanation of where Clary got the knife (Luke keeps a stash of weapons in his office. No, I don’t know why), and she scolds Maia, and vampires and werewolves in general for fighting, because “you’re both Downworlders.”

Now admittedly, she does kind-of have a point – both groups are groups being oppressed by the Shadowhunters, and fermenting division among oppressed groups is a good method of keeping them from uniting and overthrowing their oppressors. Except that I’m sure CC didn’t intend for the Shadowhunters to be viewed as oppressors.

But on the other hand, Clary knows little to nothing about either group, and has never shown any interest in learning about either group. And yet she’s arrogantly telling them how they should behave, as if she has any authority or expertise on the matter.

Well Maia points out that vampires, unlike werewolves, kill people, and reminds them both of the werewolf kid that got attacked back in chapter 2.

Clary points out that that particular incident wasn’t a vampire. Because I guess Maia was just supposed to know that. Except that the only people who do know that are the main characters, and they haven’t exactly told any authority figures what they’ve learned. Also, just because that one incident wasn’t caused by a vampire doesn’t suddenly make them completely innocent.

Oh, and then she says this:

“And if you could stop blaming each other all the time for every bad thing that happens Downworld, maybe the Nephilim would start taking you seriously and actually do something about it.”

Really? You’re going to put all the blame for the Shadowhunters ignoring the concerns and problems of the Downworlders on the Downworlders? When the Shadowhunters are supposed to be the ones keeping the peace?

Hell, let’s provide an object lesson. We’ll use the example Clary provided – the werewolf kid who got murdered back in chapter two. Now, at that very moment, Jace – the designated hero and epitome of what a Shadowhunter should be – was in that very bar. And what was his response to this news? Did he leap into action, reassure everyone that he would take care of it, and look for the murdere?

No.

In fact, here are some of his exact words:

“I think it’s a little too late for him to need protection,” said the boy, “if he’s already dead.”

And upon being asked if he was going to actually do anything:

“I’m going to finish my drink,” said the boy, eyeing his halfempty glass, still on the counter, “if you’ll let me.”

Oh, and let’s not forget this little gem:

“How like Downworlders,” he said, “expecting the Clave to clean your mess up for you. As if we could be bothered just because some stupid cub decided to splatter-paint himself all over your alley—”

And remember, Jace received no punishment for this. At all. In fact, everyone seems to have completely forgotten what an ass he was. Even Maia, who had a front row seat for it all, only mentioned the dead kid. Because I guess Jace’s behavior wasn’t all that exceptional.

Yeah, Clary, clearly the Downworlders are to blame for it all.

*Our “Heroes”: 10

Because she pissed me off that much. Shove your holier-than-thou attitude up your ass, you racist, self-centered, victim-blaming bitch.

(And no, I’m not apologizing for calling her that.)

Moving on, Clary asks Simon if he’s alright, which he is. And then she goes right back to scolding Maia:

Clary turned back to the werewolf girl. “You’re lucky he’s not as much of a bigot as you are, or I’d complain to the Clave and make the whole pack pay for your behavior.”

Gods, it’s like she hasn’t paid any attention to how Jace, the Lightwoods, or any other Shadowhunter treats Downworlders, let alone mundanes.

Our “Heroes”: 11

Moving. On.

Maia starts to explain things, beginning with the demonic energy/illness/whatever responsible for creating vampires, only for Clary to interrupt to say that while she, “might not know much” (understatement of the fucking year, not that it’s stopped you from acting like an expert) she does know that.

Our “Heroes”: 12

I’m feeling spiteful. Sue me.

Instead of slapping Clary upside the head for her behavior, Maia explains that vampires and werewolves were created by two warring races of demons, so the animosity between the two groups is practically genetic. In a little while, Simon will hate werewolves like Maia and Luke.

Now, I’m going to pause here for a minute, because so far Luke has had no response whatsoever to Simon being a vampire. Now, I’m willing to chalk Maia’s reaction up to her suddenly realizing it, but Luke already knew – remember, he’s the one who provided the offensive pamphlet. He even offered to be a sympathetic ear if Simon needed one (just ignore how he actively avoided doing so). That’s not the kind of thing you do for someone when you have a hatred for them practically programmed into you.

So this whole “warring demons” thing feels like a quick fix CC added in to justify her werewolves and vampires disliking each other. Because having them be neutral or even friendly would just be weird.

Shoddy World Building: 1

Back to the book. Simon is shocked by this idea, but before we get much of a reaction, Jace bursts in with Alec and Magnus. I imagine them doing Charlie’s Angels-type pose, because it amuses me. Also, Jace’s attire (and armament) is described in detail, Magnus’s gets a quick mention, and Alec gets none. I guess we can see where CC’s focus is.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

Oh, and we get a reminder of what color Jace’s eyes are. Because that’s relevant.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4

Anyway, Jace notices Clary’s holding a knife (she pulled it out after the scene break/POV switch) and asks what happened. Clary’s explanation?

“We had an incident. I took care of it.”

Well, for a given definition of “taken care of”. Yes, you kept Maia from ripping apart your back-up love interest Simon, but then followed it up with insulting her and Downworlders as a whole. So we’ll call it a wash.

Jace gets smarmy and sarcastic, just to remind us what a great guy he is.

“Do you even know how to use that knife, Clarissa? Without poking a hole in yourself or any innocent bystanders?”

I’m torn – on the one hand, he’s expressing my exact sentiments. On the other, that means I’d be in agreement with Jace. I feel unclean.

Maia explains that Clary only damaged the couch, and we learn that she’s looking a bit rough. Guess CC remembered that Maia was wounded.

So Magnus gets to work on Maia, but not before telling Simon to get out of the way and referring to him as “mundane.”

*Our “Heroes”: 13

Because no character can survive CC’s attentions unscathed. Also, given that Magnus was there when Simon came out of the ground, you’d think he’d know better.

So Magnus gets to work on Maia, and Jace actually asks a good question:

“Where,” he asked, “is Luke?”

I wouldn’t have broken it up like that, but I’ll give it a pass. Simon says that Luke should be outside, moving his truck, but apparently doesn’t think he’s been gone a little too long. I guess CC wasn’t liking Simon much at this point.

In the ensuing conversation, we learn that Luke isn’t downstairs (I guess we’re on the second floor?), his truck is in the driveway, and the type of demon that attacked Maia travel in packs.

Jace, probably excited by the idea that he might get to kill something, says he’s going to go out to find Luke, and tells Alec to stay inside and protect everyone. Given that in the two fight we’ve seen Alec in (one of which barely counts as a fight) he was less useful than Clary, I have to wonder if Jace is doing this just to keep Alec out of his way.

Clary decides that she’s going to go with Jace, despite her having absolutely no training whatsoever and only ever managing to accomplish anything action-related via authorial fiat. Jace doesn’t like this idea, and they argue a bit, which leads to this bit:

“Clary,” he said in a low voice, and the sound of her name in his mouth was so intimate that a shudder ran up her spine. The gold in his eyes had turned hard, metallic. She wondered for a moment if he might actually spring at her, what it would be like if he struck her, knocked her down, grabbed her wrists even. Fighting to him was like sex to other people. The thought of him touching her like that brought the blood to her cheeks in a hot flood.

… Okay, I think we have some definitive proof that Clary (and possibly CC) has a bit of a fetish. And far be it from me to judge what mutually consenting parties choose to do behind closed doors. No, what bothers me isn’t Clary possibly being into S&M, but that A) she’s thinking about Jace deliberately hurting her (and not in a sexy fun way), B) that her thought process includes the statement that, for Jace, fighting is like sex, and C) Clary is aroused by the idea.

That’s kinda fucked up.

So let’s do the counts and move on. One for… that:

Both Hands, Ma’am: 5

And another for the mention of Jace’s eyes.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 6

Anyway, Clary makes the argument that Luke is her uncle, which Jace counters with the double points that, “Any uncle of yours is an uncle of mine,” and that “he’s no blood relation to either of us.”

Dude, you’re kinda missing the point – Luke is the only real family Clary has at this point. But then, considering Jace was raised by a knockoff version of Voldemort and a weird crossing of the Malfoys and the Weasleys, I suppose he doesn’t really get the idea of “family”.

Clary tries to argue, but Jace throws yet another point against her coming, and it actually makes sense: if they’re going after Luke, they need to go now (I know – they haven’t shown any sense of urgency in any other case, but just go with it), so Jace doesn’t have time to give Clary any magic tattoos, and considering that leaves her armed with just a knife, she won’t be of much use (not that she ever is, but again, just go with it).

You Keep Using That Word: 2

For use of Pointless Capitalization.

So Clary points out that Jace has two magic not-lightsaber knives (compensating much, dude?), so why not give her one, and then Simon butts in and is sensible:

“Oh, for the love of—” It was Simon, hands jammed into his pockets, eyes burning like black coals in his white face. _“I’ll go.” _
Clary said, “Simon, don’t—”
“At least I’m not wasting my time standing here flirting while we don’t know what’s happened to Luke.” He gestured for her to move aside from the door.

THANK YOU!

Look, CC, I get that you want your high school love triangle drama, but there is a time and a place for it, and in the midst of trying to thwart the villain’s Evil Scheme TM is neither. I’d hoped that the end of the last chapter meant we’d be moving away from that, but evidently not.

So Jace gives in and says they’ll all go, and gives Clary one of his magic knives. They head out and see that Luke left the car door open, and we get this wonderful bit of interaction:

Jace frowned. “The keys are in the ignition. The car’s idling.”
Simon shut the front door behind them. “How do you know that?”
“I can hear it.” Jace looked at Simon speculatively. “And so could you if you tried, bloodsucker.” He loped down the stairs, a faint chuckle drifting behind him on the wind.
“I think I liked ‘mundane’ better than ‘bloodsucker,’” Simon muttered.
“With Jace, you don’t really get to choose your insulting nickname.”

[sigh]

Alright, let’s go through this point by point:

First: I have to wonder how much experience CC has with cars. And how far away they are from the truck. Because the sound of a running engine isn’t exactly quiet. It’s not super loud, but you hardly need super-hearing to notice it. So really, this looks like CC trying to make Jace more awesome. By giving him the ability to hear… like a normal person.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 7

Second: while it’s nice that someone finally recognized that Simon is a vampire, it would of course be Jace, and only to address him with yet another racist epithet. Because that’s basically half of his character – the other half being a sociopath.

Our “Heroes”: 14

Finally: Clary, stop treating Jace’s behavior like it’s just a weird quirk. Simon the only person Jace routinely refers to by something other than their name – it’s not an insulting nickname, it’s racism.

Our “Heroes”: 15

So they walk over to the car, and Jace pulls out his magical hand-held ham radio, the name of which is still Pointlessly Capitalized.

You Keep Using That Word: 3

The Sensor (I hate having to use that word) is described as making noises like a Geiger counter, so I guess we have a new term for the thing. Anyway, it goes nuts, which leads to Jace concluding that there are more demons nearby. He quite sensibly tells Clary and Simon to go back inside and to send Alec out, but before that can happen Clary sees something across the street by the river bank (I seriously have no sense of this place’s geography), which she points out.

They run over to find that it’s Luke, and he’s getting nommed on by a pair of demons, which Jace helpfully informs us are “Raum demons” as if that’s supposed to mean something.

Quick sidebar – I did look this up on Wikipedia, and Raum is the name for one of the many, many members of the aristocracy of Hell in demonology. I’d commend CC for doing such through research, except for two problems.

First, most people aren’t going to know that, so you just look like you’re making up names. Because it’s not like you aren’t doing that, too – when I enter “Drevak” (you know, the type of demon that attacked Maia) you know what hits I get? This series, and a group of Czech photographers.

Second, there are plenty of demon-like monsters from cultures around the world, so why not use some from non-western cultures? Why do the heroes not go up against some ghouls (Arabian), or oni (Japanese), or rakshasa (Hindu/Buddhist), or gallu (Mesopotamian)? Then you might actually live up to that whole “all myths are true” thing you kept spouting off in the last book, but dropped like a hot potato slathered in dog crap in this book.

Whatever, you still get one of these:

Shoddy World Building: 2

Simon asks if those are the same things that attacked Maia, which is weird, since he was there when Luke explained it. Seriously, CC, can you not maintain canon between chapters?

Anyway, Jace whips out his weapon (not that one, you pervs. Though given that comment about how he feels about fighting…) and attacks the demons. To his credit, he did have the sense to tell Clary and Simon to keep back, so at least he probably won’t hit them by accident. And we’re once again told about how super-fast Jace is, because I guess that’s supposed to be impressive or something.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 16

So Clary and Simon watch the slaughter, even gagging when some bits of demon land next to them. Clary briefly considers trying to help Jace (how?), when Simon yells at Clary and she starts paying attention again just long enough to notice one of the demons lunging for her before we go to commercial.

A Word From Our Sponsors: 1

When we come back, the demon manages to grab Clary with one of its tentacles (yes, they have tentacles – again, keep your minds out of the gutter), but instead of killing her, the demon lets her go. For some reason.

So then Clary whips out her borrowed magic angel knife and turns it on, and the demon backs off. Again, for some reason.

Jace and Simon (now armed with a metal pipe) show up, the demon makes a beeline for the river and escapes. Jace asks what happened, Clary explains, and apparently none of them think this is at all odd, because instead of focusing on the fact that the demon just ran off for no apparent reason, because instead of wondering about that, Jace asks (no, wait, demands) to know where Simon got the pipe. Because that’s what’s important here.

“Where did you get that?” Jace demanded.
“I wrenched it off the side of a telephone pole.” Simon looked as if the recollection surprised him. “I guess you can do anything when your adrenaline is up.”
“Or when you have the unholy strength of the damned,” Jace said.

Our “Heroes”: 16
Rapier Twit: 1

Dude, would it kill you to acknowledge that Simon did something impressive? Oh wait, last time you treated Simon like he was a human being was after he saved your ass, so I guess that’s the only time you’ll vaguely complement him.

Clary interrupts the pissing contest and reminds them that Luke needs help. So they get him back to the house and Magnus gets to work on him. Then Clary zones out a bit while staring at Simon.

Without the glasses, his eyes seemed twice their size, and very dark, more black than brown. His skin was pale and smooth as white marble, traced with darker veins at the temples and the sharply angled cheekbones. Even his hair seemed darker, in stark contrast to the white of his skin. She remembered looking at the crowd in Raphael’s hotel, wondering why there didn’t seem to be any ugly or unattractive vampires. Maybe there was some rule about not making vampires out of the physically unappealing, she’d thought then, but now she wondered if the vampirism itself wasn’t transformative, smoothing out blotched skin, adding color and luster to eyes and hair. Perhaps it was an evolutionary advantage to the species. Good looks could only help vampires lure their prey.

Right, now the Simon is being treated as a viable (yeah, right) love interest, CC has decided to tell us how pretty he is.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 17

And of course we have to point out that Simon’s sudden attractiveness is entirely due to him becoming a vampire, not a change in Clary’s perception of him. Because only supernatural people are allowed to be hot.

Our “Heroes”: 17

Clary comes out of it just in time for Magnus to finish with Luke (how convenient) and she calls the others over. Simon asks Magnus if he’s sure Luke is alright, to which Magnus responds by saying, “I’m the High Warlock of Brooklyn; I know what I’m doing.”

Again with the “High Warlock of Brooklyn” shtick. I’m seriously thinking it’s like the whole “Star-Lord” thing from Guardians of the Galaxy. Only that was actually funny, because it was treated with the seriousness it deserved – i.e. none.

But Magnus actually sort-of redeems himself for a bit (don’t get excited, he’ll ruin it soon enough), because he asks how they’re going to pay him. Clary’s aghast that he would do such a thing, because “Luke is a friend!” Magnus quite accurately points out that Luke and he are really only acquaintances, and that there are plenty of other warlocks around they could have called.

So Jace comes to the rescue (because of course he does) with this:

“No,” he said now, “but you are the only warlock we know who happens to be dating a friend of ours.”

So, at best, they’re taking advantage of this relationship. At worst, they’re blackmailing Magnus and/or Alec. How… unsurprising.

Our “Heroes”: 18

This “revelation” (if you can even call it that, given how CC’s been practically shouting it from the rooftops) gets Alec all flustered, and he tries to tell Jace that he and Magnus totally aren’t dating, which Jace treats like “evidence that he’s just that brilliant a detective.”: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/INeverSaidItWasPoison Dude, anyone who was actually paying attention figured this out a long time ago – it’s not that impressive.

But Alec’s reaction makes Magnus angry, because high school soap opera. Alec very clumsily tries to tell Jace that he totally isn’t gay, leading to Jace giving a little speech about how he doesn’t really care, which I find a bit disingenuous – I’m supposed to buy that the kid raised by an Urban Fantasy version of Hitler would be just fine knowing that his bestest-buddy was gay? And let’s not forget, it’s been established that Shadowhunter society is hyper-conservative – though from what I’ve read, that’ll change soon enough, and for no apparent reason.

Maybe he’d change his mind if he knew that Alec had been pining after him for years.

Anyway, Clary tells Jace to drop it, and Luke’s suddenly awake and wants to know what they’re talking about. Clary asks what Luke remembers getting attacked, but the last thing he remembers is going out to the truck. He asks again what they were arguing about, and we get this bit of “comedy”:

“Nothing,” chorused Clary, Simon, Alec, Magnus, and Jace, in surprising and probably never-to-be-repeated unison.

Rapier Twit: 2

God, I can practically hear the laugh track.

Luke clearly doesn’t buy that, but is smart enough not to press, and the scene ends.

This scene break actually serves a purpose – skipping over the boring bits. For a given definition of boring, at least.

Maia’s still out of it, so she gets to sleep in the bed. Luke decides to take the couch. Clary offers him her bed, but he says no. I’m actually impressed by this display from Clary – it’s like she actually cares about Luke.

And then she bumps into Jace. Because apparently he’s still here. Which leads to them to talking. Great.

In summation: Jace whines about how much he’s missed Clary, and how miserable he is being trapped in a nice apartment (as opposed to a tiny cell). There’s a brief description of his hands for no apparent reason.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 18

(And not like that, CC!)

Then Jace starts talking about how much he wants to hate Clary, but just can’t.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 19

(Stop it!)

And then he goes on for a bit about how he never knows how Clary feels, which I find hilarious.

But then Simon pokes his head up, sees what’s going on, and heads for the door. Clary gets flustered and goes after Simon. She catches up, and they have it out in the front yard (or wherever).

Now, I have mixed feelings about this bit, but first I’m going to let you guys read it for yourselves:

He smiled at her. It was a sad smile with something else underneath. “You know what the worst thing I can imagine is?”
She blinked at him. “No.”
“Not trusting someone I love.”
She put her hand on his sleeve. He didn’t move away, but he didn’t respond to her touch, either. “Do you mean—”
“Yes,” he said, knowing what she was about to ask. “I mean you.”
“But you can trust me.”
“I used to think I could,” he said. “But I get the feeling you’d rather pine over someone you can never possibly be with than try being with someone you can.”
There was no point pretending. “Just give me time,” she said. “I just need some time to get over— to get over it all.”
“You’re not going to tell me I’m wrong, are you?” he said. His eyes looked very wide and dark in the dim porch light. “Not this time.”
“Not this time. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” He turned away from her and her outstretched hand, heading for the porch steps. “At least it’s the truth.”

Now, on the one hand, this is actually good writing. But then, most scenes between Clary and Simon tend to be better than everything else. And I also love that Simon’s taking Clary to task for her behavior – she would rather sit and pine for Jace than try to find happiness with Simon, as has been demonstrated throughout this book, and I’m glad that Simon’s gotten sick of it and seems to have decided that Clary is a lost cause.

But, this is also still yet more high school soap opera love triangle drama. Which I am sick of. Seriously, we have real stuff that needs dealing with – Valentine has sent multiple demons after them, he still has the MacGuffin sword, and for all we know, has already completed his ritual. But we’re not focusing on that – we’re focusing on these idiots and their personal drama. It also doesn’t help that I can’t shake the feeling that I’m supposed to be on Clary’s side, not Simon’s.

In recognition of the good stuff, I’m not giving it any points. You didn’t make me angry, CC, you did something worse – you disappointed me.

So Clary stands there and watches Simon walk off, ending the scene.

The next bit is the last scene in the chapter, it’s only two paragraphs long, and there’s no dialogue. Yay.

Magnus has decided he needs to hang around for a few more hours to keep an eye on Luke and Maia, meaning Jace has to stay as well. Clary decides to go to bed early.

In bed, she thinks about Simon and Jace for a bit (not like that), then turns to Magnus and Alec (again, not like that). No, it’s about how Magnus must really care about Alec, because he’s willing to keep secret the fact that Alec is still in love with Jace. Because that’s a real sign of love – being willing to ignore the fact that your SO has feelings for someone else, and not reveal said feelings to the third party.

Methinks she’s trying to convince herself that Simon didn’t actually love her. If he really loved her, he’d be willing to put up with her pining for Jace.

And the chapter ends with this lovely note:

Maybe it was true what the Seelie Queen had said, after all: Love made you a liar.

Um, no Clary. It’s one thing to lie to protect a loved one, but that doesn’t mean you lying to yourself about your loved one.

So that was chapter twelve. And as much as I like certain parts of it, other bits really pissed me off. And despite having an actual run-in with more demons, it still feels like the plot is in a holding pattern.

There’s only one chapter left before part three, which I hope to get out before November. We’ll see if I can meet that goal.

Counts

Entirely Pointless: 0 (Total: 29)
Un-Logic: 0 (Total: 28)
You Keep Using That Word: 3 (Total: 55)
Shoddy World Building: 2 (Total: 29)
Rapier Twit: 2 (Total: 44)
Our “Heroes”: 18 (Total: 110) TRIPLE DIGITS! WOOOO!!
No Shit Sherlock: 0 (Total: 6)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 19 (Total: 79)
A Word from Our Sponsors: 1 (Total: 6)

Comment [19]

Hello, folks. Well, this is it – the last chapter of part 2. Think of this as my Halloween treat to all of you.

But first things first – they’re making a TV show based on these books. I’m not sure why, exactly – the movie only has a 12% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and even the audience ratings only average out to 3.5/5. And while it might have made back its budget, there was only a 50% profit, which is probably why the sequel got canceled. And it’s not like the same thing with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, where the creator’s initial idea got ruined by executive meddling – from what I’ve seen, the movie is an accurate adaptation in many respects. Hell, it even improved on the book in a few places.

I can only really come up with one explanation – CC has a lot of connections, and is willing to leverage them.

But enough about that – let’s get to the sporking.

No recap this time, so we’ll jump right in.

We’re now in Jace’s head, right around the end of the previous chapter. Like I needed any more reasons to avoid this book for a month.

We learn the piano piece Jace was playing – Gaspard de la nuit by Maurice Ravel. It’s a three-movement piece, each of which is based on a poem from Aloysius Bertrand’s poetry collection, Gaspard de la Nuit — Fantaisies à la manière de Rembrandt et de Callot. None of this (save the fact that the piece has three movements) is mentioned; I just thought I’d share it with you guys.

Why CC felt the need to tell us what Jace was playing, I have no idea. These details don’t really add anything to the scene – it’s not like this is particularly well-known piece of music. Looking up each of the movements and the summaries of the poems, there are some supernatural elements to each, but that’s hardly relevant, because it’s not like CC’s audience is likely to know any of this. Really, it just reads like she’s going, “look how cultured I/Jace am/is! I/He knows music you’ve never even heard of!”

So, yeah.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Anyway, Jace plays for a bit, killing time while waiting for everyone else to go about their business, goes and makes a phone call on Luke’s line (because he’s a nice guy like that), then goes back to playing until he sees headlights moving into Luke’s driveway.

It’s Raphael, driving one of the magic flying motorcycles (that CC totally didn’t crib from Harry Potter, no sir). The motorcycle itself gets a verging-on-purple description of how it looks like it’s alive, but it takes Jace acknowledging Raphael by name for us to learn who’s driving it. I mean, yes, there’s really only two vampire characters in this book, but being coy about it serves no purpose at all.

Raphael asks why Jace needs one of the vampires’ motorcycles, and brings up the fact that he has one, not mentioning that he stole it from them in the last book. I am glad that CC acknowledged this fact, even if she dropped the bit about the bike being stolen. Jace explains that the bike he stole has is at the Institute, so getting it would be difficult. Because I guess calling Isabelle is just out of the question – she’d get her girl-germs on it or something.

Note that Jace doesn’t explain why he needs the thing, just why he can’t use the one he stole. Because CC wants to maintain the suspense or something.

Raphael finds it funny that neither of them are welcome at the Institute. I don’t know why. And Jace doesn’t help with this comment:

“You bloodsuckers still on the Most Wanted list?”

You know, Raphael doesn’t have to help you, Jace. He could still just ride off into the night and leave you high and dry. You might consider showing him some basic level of courtesy. Like, say, not referring to him and his people by a racial epithet.

Our “Heroes”: 1

Raphael talks about how stupid the accusations are, particularly the warlock, because apparently warlock blood tastes funny and does weird things to vampires. Jace asks if he’s told Maryse this, but apparently the Inquisitor has taken over the investigation. Why this should be surprising, I don’t know – not only does she outrank Maryse, Maryse is a known accomplice of the man who tried to start a race war between the Downworlders and Shadowhunters. She’s not Molly Weasley – she’s Bellatrix fucking Lestrange. Or at least Narcissa Malfoy. Or something like that. Why does everyone keep ignoring this?

But no, the Inquisitor taking over is “a bad situation”. Because… um… reasons.

Un-Logic: 1

Wow. Haven’t seen one of those in a while.

Anyway, during their little chat, Raphael inadvertently refers to Jace as his “friend”, so of course Jace has to clarify that they aren’t friends, and that the only reason he hasn’t told the Clave about Simon being turned is because he needs Raphael’s help.

Ah. So it’s blackmail.

Our “Heroes”: 2

Or do you prefer the term ‘extortion’? The X does make it sound cool.

Raphael insists that Jace likes him, and then this happens:

“It is odd,” he reflected. “I would have thought you would seem different now that you are in disgrace with the Clave. No longer their favored son. I thought some of that arrogance might have been beaten out of you. But you are just the same.”
“I believe in consistency,” Jace said.

Rapier Twit: 1

Yeah, good luck trying to deflate that ego – Jace is the center of this universe and he knows it.

Raphael hops off the bike and asks how he’s supposed to get home, and Jace kindly offers Luke’s cellar if it gets too close to dawn. Again, what a wonderful person: abusing other people’s hospitality, blackmail – hard not to see why so many girls love this guy.

Our “Heroes”: 3

Jace hops on the bike, and the scene ends with this exchange:

“So are we even for Simon now, Shadowhunter?”
Jace gunned the bike, turning it toward the river. “We’ll never be even, bloodsucker, but at least this is a start.”

Our “Heroes”: 4

Raphael, you seem to have fundamentally misunderstood the situation – you didn’t hurt one of Jace’s friends, and this will make things square. Jace is blackmailing you – he just admitted that he has no intention of ever letting this go. This is why you’re not supposed to give in to these kinds of demands – it starts small, and will only get worse with time.

Also, Jace probably doesn’t give a shit about what you did to Simon. Hell, by the (incredibly stupid) rules of this society, you didn’t do anything wrong – Simon came to you! And, as established in the last book, anyone (especially mundanes) who enter vampire territory are fair game. Except that that rule has either been forgotten or ret-coned out of existence because it interferes with CC’s plot.

Arg. One scene, maybe a page long, and I’m already losing it. Goddamn you, Jace.

After the scene break, Jace is flying over the city. He is cold, because he didn’t think that maybe he should wear something a little heavier than a light jacket if he was going to go flying. I don’t care.

The city is described, and it’s not bad, given that it’s only a single 60-word paragraph. As I’ve said before, CC’s penchant for description is quite good, when she’s not buys waxing poetic about Jace’s nostrils.

And then the effect is ruined by Jace thinking back to the last time he flew on one of these bikes – namely, with Clary.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

And given that we’re told that he didn’t feel cold that time, I have to wonder why that paragraph describing New York was included. Ideas should flow logically from paragraph to paragraph – that’s writing 101. This is stuff most kids learn when first learning how to write essays (even in the much-maligned public schools in the US). Here, it’s like literary ADD – ‘Wow, it’s cold. Oh, look how pretty the city is! I wasn’t cold when I went for a ride with Clary.’

It doesn’t work. CC should know better than this.

Anyway, Jace follows the river. CC doesn’t tell us which river, either because she doesn’t realize that there are only about four ‘rivers’ that pass through New York City, or because she expects everyone to just know the geography of NYC. I’m kind of leaning towards the former, given that she apparently thought “Brooklyn” was sufficient for a cab driver way back at the end of chapter 1 of CoB.

Whichever it is, Jace easily finds what he’s looking for – a ship anchored… somewhere. Now, given that NYC is on one of the largest natural harbors in the world, I doubt you’d be able to just park a ship anywhere. Especially one that’s painted black and doesn’t have any lights on it. I get that CC’s trying really hard to make it menacing, but I have to wonder how this ship has simultaneously avoided being spotted while also not gotten hit.

Jace lands the bike, and we’re told it feels “more as if the ship were lifting itself to meet him” than him descending to the ship. Which tells me that Jace might have some kind of inner-ear problem, because that’s not how falling works. You can feel it when an airplane is making a landing. Hell, you can feel it when an elevator goes down.

Anyway, Jace hops off to look around the ship, then looks back at the bike, and feels that it’s “glowering at him, like an unhappy dog after being told to stay.” So of course he reassures it, because the only reason for this is that it’s unhappy Jace Wayland isn’t riding it any more.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

Even inanimate objects love Jace!

Personally, I think the word CC was looking for was “glaring”. Like, the bike is going, “you try to get on me again and I will drop your ass to the street.” It’s a fucking demon motorcycle, for god’s sake – why should it like a Shadowhunter?

Jace takes in the sight of the ship (Jace refers to it as a “boat”, but I have more respect for it than he does). It’s about a hundred yards long, and painted black, because Valentine thinks subtlety is a drink you get at Chinese restaurants. Oh, and it’s Valentine’s, a detail which is just casually mentioned. Though it does raise the question of how Jace knew this ship would be here, and throws his claims of innocence into question.

So Jace walks around for a bit, then looks up-river, and I think it’s the East River (Jace sees Manhattan and Long Island on either side), not that CC tells us that, because I guess “the river” is enough in her mind. Jace briefly impersonates Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic, and then has a flashback, which I’m going to share with all of you:

There had been a lake by the manor house in Idris. His father had taught him to sail on it, taught him the language of wind and water, of buoyancy and air. All men should know how to sail, he had said. It was one of the few times he’d ever spoken like that, saying all men and not all Shadowhunters. It was a brief reminder that whatever else Jace might be, he was still part of the human race.

That last bit would mean a lot more if Jace hadn’t worked so hard making it clear that he actually considers regular humans to be less than scum. So, rather than this being a happy memory, I feel that this is actually quite negative for Jace.

Also, it’s really hard for me to buy that his life was just so terrible when his dad taught him how to sail on their private fucking lake.

Now that he’s done looking around the largely open deck area, Jace decides to investigate the ship’s interior. The door leading in is locked, so he pulls out his not-wand and draws some “Opening” runes. I assume these are the same ones that melted the lock in the last book. If so, I must again point out that destroying the lock kind of defeats the purpose of having the an opening spell in the first place.

Jace goes inside, and the door slams shut behind him. I might be mildly concerned, but since he probably melted the lock, it’s not like there’s anything keeping the door shut. He pulls out his own magic glowing rock and explores a bit, and then his spider-sense goes off.

And then he sees Clary. There’s a brief moment where Jace acts like a normal person and wonders how the hell she managed to get there, but then he’s suddenly overwhelmed by fear and sees that Clary’s hands are covered in blood. And it happens in that order, too – he feels fear and then notices the blood, not the other way around.

Jace rushes forward to catch Clary as she collapses, and there’s a whole bit about her not smelling right which I’m sure CC intended to be romantic or something but just feels creepy.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4

Jace reacts to seemingly-dead Clary in the expected over-wrought fashion. Then Clary’s eyes open, but they’re glowing, and then Jace passes out, ending the scene.

Yeah, turns out the obviously not Clary wasn’t Clary. And that poking around the would-be Evil Overlord’s lair at night is kind of a stupid thing to do.

The next scene picks up with Jace waking up. Or rather, him just suddenly being awake. Don’t ask me why he isn’t waking up, an act that would make sense given the ending of the previous scene, because I don’t know.

Anyway, Jace is laying down on the deck of the ship, and can see the outline of the Brooklyn bridge against the night sky. Valentine is also there, and asks if Jace is alright. Jace sits up, and from the description of how this makes him feel I believe he might have a concussion. Not that I care. Oh, and despite Jace making it pretty damn clear that he’s not on Valentine’s side, ol’ Val has done nothing to restrain the kid. So he’s not even a competent villain any more.

We’re told Valentine is wearing a suit, which apparently looks like something he would have worn back when he was still posing as Michael Wayland. Um, why? Why would Shadowhunters dress in modern clothing in their own homeland? I get them dressing like mundanes when out and about (when not being invisible) but I have problems believing they would adopt mundane fashions.

Shoddy World Building: 1

Moving on, Valentine asks Jace the question I’ve been wondering since he first got to the ship – how did he know it was there? Jace’s answer?

“I tortured it out of your Raum demon,” said Jace. “You’re the one who taught me where they keep their hearts. I threatened it and it told me— well, they’re not very bright, but it managed to tell me it had come from a ship on the river. I looked up and saw the shadow of your boat on the water. It told me you’d summoned it too, but I already knew that.”

When did this happen? Last chapter? When you were busy ripping those things to shreds with your “sooper-awesome” speed? I’ve complained before about how CC sucks at depicting the passage of time, but that fight couldn’t have taken more than a few minutes. Are you telling me that Jace somehow had time to torture information out of one of those things in the minute or so it took for him to take most of them down? And that both Simon and Clary somehow missed it?

Yeah, I smell ret-con. And bull shit. Same thing, really. CC needed Jace to be here, so slapped on this explanation, because she needs the plot to go exactly how she wants it, but can’t be bothered to make it work properly.

Un-Logic: 2

Also, note that word – “torture.” Even Jace admits that that’s what he did. Now, anyone with any sense would know that torture is probably the worst way to extract information. Even if it “works”, there’s no way to be certain that the information is true or accurate, because it’s quite likely the subject was just telling the interrogator whatever they wanted to hear. Hell, in the last book, anime-hair demon told them about Valentine while under torture, and Jace dismissed it out of hand. So really, I can only come up with one explanation for why Jace would do this – to get his rocks off. It’s been a while since he’s killed or even beaten up anything, what with being locked up and then under minimum-security house arrest. But the killing and torture ought to hold him for a while.

Our “Heroes”: 5

Anyway, turns out the obvious demon impersonating Clary was a demon, and somehow Valentine is already using the MacGuffin Sword to summon them up. So why does he have to go through with this whole magic ritual thing, then? Oh, right – plot.

Un-Logic: 3

Valentine is surprised to find out that Jace thought he saw Clary, and we’re told how manipulative and evil Valentine is:

But this was Valentine. He looked at everything closely, studying it, analyzing in what way it could be turned to his advantage. In that way he reminded Jace of the Queen of the Seelie Court: cool, menacing, calculating.

How is this any different from Jace? You know, the guy who earlier this chapter blackmailed one of the city’s major vampires into loaning him a flying motorcycle, and made it pretty damn clear that he’d do it again? Does CC just not read what she writes?

And to no one’s surprise, it turns out that what Jace ran into was the Digimon demon Valentine had summoned in the prologue. And Valentine (in classic villain form) explains exactly what it does:

“What you encountered in the stairwell,” Valentine said, “was Agramon— the Demon of Fear. Agramon takes the form of whatever most terrifies you. When it is done feeding on your terror, it kills you, presuming you are still alive at that point. Most men— and women— die of fear before that. You are to be congratulated for holding out as long as you did.”

And you know, a demon that takes the shape of its victims’ greatest fear would make an interesting villain. If only it weren’t leashed to this moron.

Also, what Jace saw wasn’t really the kind of thing that frightens people to death. And, given that this demon is known to kill its victims after feeding, is it really that surprising that Jace didn’t die of fear? Is it really praiseworthy? God, this is like a parent posting their child’s crappy art on the fridge. Only the child is in high school.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 5

But then Jace dazzles us with this brilliant insight:

“Agramon?” Jace was astonished. “That’s a Greater Demon. Where did you get hold of that?”

Uh, Jace? You do remember that he sent one after the MacGuffin Cup in the last book, and that it possessed the too-awesome-for-this-world Madame Dorothea, right? Or have you blocked that out, because that was when Simon – the filthy mundane – saved your ass?

Why do bother asking questions I already know the answers to?

And again, because Valentine has never heard of the Evil Overlord List, he explains how he duped that warlock kid into doing it. But here’s the best part – he explains how his Greater Digimon manage to get out of the circle:

“I paid a young and hubristic warlock to summon it for me. He thought that if the demon remained inside his pentagram, he could control it. Unfortunately for him, his greatest fear was that a demon he summoned would break the wards of the pentagram and attack him, and that’s exactly what happened when Agramon came through.”

HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK?!?! You just explained that this thing “takes the form” of its victim’s greatest fear – but in this case, it somehow made it happen. If it can do that, then shouldn’t Clary be dead? After all, that’s apparently Jace’s greatest fear.

Oh, wait, I know why this thing’s powers make no goddamn sense – because Plot.

Un-Logic: 6

So Jace tries to point out that Valentine is horrible because he didn’t even know the warlock kid’s name, but it fails because he himself didn’t give a shit about the dead werewolf kid. I will never let that go. Ever.

Blah, blah, more talking and explaining things for those who hadn’t already figured out what happened – namely, that Valentine sent those demons to Luke’s place to grab Maia, though I’m left wondering how he knew she’d be there.

Un-Logic: 7

Oh, there’s some hand-waving about Valentine wanting to get back at Luke, but it’s still crap.

They walk over to the side of the ship and stare at the skyline for a bit. Valentine brings up Paradise Lost, which he apparently made Jace read several times, either because CC wants to impress us with how literary she is, or because she wants to show how literary Jace is. Either way,

Both Hands, Ma’am: 6

There’s more talk and description that I’m fairly sure is there just to fill space, and Jace brings up the question the Seelie Queen wanted him to ask:

Jace looked out at the water. “The Queen of the Seelie Court wanted me to ask you a question,” he said. “She told me to ask you what blood runs in my veins.”
Surprise passed over Valentine’s face like a hand smoothing away all expression. “You spoke with the Queen?”
Jace said nothing.
“It is the way of the Folk. Everything they say has more than one meaning. Tell her, if she asks again, that the blood of the Angel runs in your veins.”
“And in every Shadowhunter’s veins,” said Jace, disappointed. He’d hoped for a better answer.

And of course Jace doesn’t like that answer – it implies that he is not, in fact, special. And that’s just the worst thing ever.

Our “Heroes”: 6

But, since this series is just that predictable, I have no qualms about spoiling this – Valentine isn’t being metaphorical. Because Jace has to be even more special than he already is in order to be worthy of CC Clary.

Valentine asks why Jace is here. That’s a good question, since it clearly isn’t to foil Valentine’s plans. No, Jace is here because he needs to talk to somebody about his feelings, and has (or believes he has) alienated just about every possible option. I’m not quite sure what it says about Jace that he feels his best option for unburdening himself is to go to his racist, genocidal father, but it can’t be anything good.

Then this happens, which just makes it worse:

“And your sister?” Valentine said. “What about Clarissa?”
Why do you have to ruin everything?

Yes, because your relationship with her was just so deep and meaningful. I mean, you guys just connected on so many levels! You both… uh… well, there was that time when you…

Yeah, this relationship is based entirely on physical attraction. Which I suppose is appropriate, given how both of them are basically cardboard cut-outs, rather than characters.

Then, for some reason, Jace starts asking about what Valentine’s plan is. Because it’s just so hard to figure out, what with us already determining what he’s going to use the MacGuffin Sword for and all.

But then we get this little exchange:

“You know what I want. The Clave is hopelessly corrupt and must be destroyed and built again. Idris must be freed from the influence of the degenerate races, and Earth made proof against the demonic threat.”
“Yeah, about that demonic threat.” Jace glanced around, as if he half-expected to see the black shadow of Agramon hulking toward him. “I thought you hated demons. Now you use them like servants. The Ravener, the Drevak demons, Agramon— they’re your employees. Guards, butler— personal chef, for all I know.”
Valentine tapped his fingers on the railing. “I’m no friend to demons,” he said. “I am Nephilim, no matter how much I might think the Covenant is useless and the Law fraudulent. A man doesn’t have to agree with his government to be a patriot, does he? It takes a true patriot to dissent, to say he loves his country more than he cares for his own place in the social order. I’ve been vilified for my choice, forced into hiding, banished from Idris. But I am— I will always be— Nephilim. I can’t change the blood in my veins if I wished to— and I don’t.”

Now I’m going to dissect this thing.

First, I totally buy, and even agree with his claim about the Clave being corrupt. Just look at the “punishment” the Lightwoods received – being sent far away and with no real supervision, despite literally being part of Valentine’s inner circle. And all because they had “connections”. As much as many powerful/influential/famous people tend to get treated lightly by the justice system, at least there’s the pretense of the system being fair.

But that bit about “the influence of the degenerate races”? Yeah, that’s straight-up Hitler, right there. Sorry, Val. You almost had me rooting for you for a second.

Second, I find it hilarious that Jace is pointing out the obvious plot hole I’ve been going on about for a long time now. Knowing Valentine’s beliefs and motivations, it makes no damn sense for him to be doing what he does. Well, now CC has the chance to finally explain it. And what happens?

Valentine ignores the question. Nothing in his response even remotely addresses the question (I guess that’s where Jace learned it). I could accept something as simple as him claiming that the ends justify the means, but he doesn’t even bother with that.

No, instead he goes into an obviously prepared speech about how he’s a true patriot, and how he’s loyal to the Shadowhunter ideals. A speech which I’m sure would have played very well to the Shadowhunter community. Now I’m wondering why Valentine didn’t just go into politics.

Valentine asks if Jace would be a Shadowhunter if he had the option not to. Given that it’s the only way Jace can kill things without being locked up for it, he says yes. This pleases Valentine, and he starts going on about a war coming, and needing to choose sides.

Jace points out that there’s really no choosing sides, as the fight is between the inhabitants of Earth and the demons. But Valentine says that’s not so, because if it were, why would he be fighting the Clave? Jace actually has a moment of clarity when he thinks that Valentine is only fighting to gain power for himself, but is smart enough not to say anything. Unfortunately, this allows Valentine to quote his manifesto a bit more:

“If the Clave goes on as they are,” Valentine said, “the demons will see their weakness and attack, and the Clave, distracted by their endless courting of the degenerate races, will be in no condition to fight them off. The demons will attack and they will destroy and there will be nothing left.”

Yes, CC, we get it – Valentine is Hitler.

And I’d point out how much a zealot Valentine must be if he thinks the way Shadowhunters treat Downworlders now is too nice, but again, he’s Hitler.

But the repeated use of the phrase “degenerate races” brings back warm fuzzy memories for Jace, and does nothing to improve my opinion of him. I don’t care that he associates it with other things – that doesn’t make it not horrible.

Our “Heroes”: 7

Jace tries to say something about Luke not being “degenerate”, which Valentine counters by pointing out that he used to be a Shadowhunter. And then he goes on to talk about how it’s not about individuals but rather race, and how the Shadowhunters being the divinely chosen saviors of the world, and I swear all he has to do at this point is to grow a little mustache and talk about the Shadowhunters needing living space to make it more obvious. We get it, CC. Kindly put down the sledgehammer.

But Val isn’t done. He goes on to talk about the whole Garden of Eden story, and somehow this segues into him needing Jace around to keep him from getting to prideful. How that’s going to work, I don’t know, seeing as Jace is basically a walking, talking ego.

And then Jace points out what I did several paragraphs ago – that Valentine didn’t really explain why he’s so okay working with demons. Maybe he just got so enthralled by Valentine’s speech. Or Valentine used to slap Jace around if he interrupted one of his speeches.

Anyway, this time Valentine actually answers the question this time. Let’s see what it is:

“The Clave won’t yield to reason, only to force. I tried to build an army of Forsaken; with the Cup, I could create an army of new Shadowhunters, but that will take years. I don’t have years. We, the human race, don’t have years. With the Sword I can call to me an obedient army of demons. They will serve me as tools, do whatever I demand. They will have no choice. And when I am done with them, I will command them to destroy themselves, and they will do it.”

Try not to think about the logic of that too hard. Basically, Val needs an army because he couldn’t convince the Clave to listen to his crazy ramblings. Not surprising, really; I’ve heard that Mein Kampf is also pretty poorly written.

And I could point out how using force to make the Clave bow to Valentine’s wishes (or solve almost any problem) is stupid, but why do that when I can use the words of wiser and more eloquent people instead?

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. – Isaac Asimov, Foundation.

Or how about this one?

An autocratic system of coercion, in my opinion, soon degenerates. For force always attracts men of low morality, and I believe it to be an invariable rule that tyrants of genius are succeeded by scoundrels. – Albert Einstein, Mein Weltbild

Oh, here’s a good one, one that Valentine should be familiar with!

Who overcomes by force, hath overcome but half his foe. – John Milton, Paradise Lost

On top of that, Valentine’s big plan basically boils down to this:

Step one: Summon demon army.

Step two: Use demon army to conquer Idris.

Step three: ???

Step four: Profit!

And here’s the big problem – how does he intend to keep form being killed by the other Shadowhunters the minute his unstoppable demon army is gone? Or am I seriously supposed to buy that Shadowhunter society works on the honor system? He, and consequently CC, clearly didn’t put all that much thought into this plan. But having Valentine be logical would be counter-intuitive – he’s the villain, therefore he does villainous things.

Un-Logic: 8

Anyway, Jace says that Valentine is underestimating how much the Shadowhunters hate him, but Valentine insists that they’ll choose “survival” (read: following him) over killing a genocidal psychopath. And to prove this, he… pulls out the MacGuffin Sword and offers it to Jace.

Yeah, I’m not sure what he’s doing. Let’s just see where he’s going with this.

So Jace takes the sword and has a sort of drug trip or something. And he starts seeing demons. Like, everywhere. And they’re Valentine’s army. So, this wasn’t Valentine showing Jace a threat, it was him making one. Now Valentine asks if Jace thinks the Clave will give up. And here’s Jace’s response:

Jace closed his eyes and said, “Not all of them— not the Lightwoods—”

Again with this crap. Look, if anyone is likely to come rushing back to Valentine’s side should he demonstrate any real power, it’s the Lightwoods. Yes, they got pissed that he abandoned and tricked them, but they never indicated that they disagreed with his beliefs! I’m sure they’ll come running back to Valentine if he offers them a position of authority in his New Order.

So now Valentine does another Vader impersonation, this time trying to get Jace to go over to the Dark Side or whatever. And Jace briefly talks about how he’s responsible for all the suffering of all the people he cares about (read: probably wouldn’t stab for a donut).

And Valentine agrees with this. Oh, not because Jace is the son of their version of Hitler, oh no. No, it’s because they’re chosen by fate, or something. Look, I’ll let him explain:

“We are meant for a higher purpose, you and I. The distractions of the world are just that, distractions. If we allow ourselves to be turned aside from our course by them, we are duly punished.”

Yeah, it’s more Vader aping – join me, it is your destiny, etc. Along with a hefty dose of Because Destiny Says So. Or something like that. Personally, I’m not a fan of that idea – I prefer to think that free will is a thing.

Okay, we’re almost done.

Jace starts asking about his various “friends” and “loved ones”, and Valentine promises to “protect” them if he switches sides. And the chapter (and this part of the book) ends with this:

Jace opened his eyes. The starlight was a white burst against his irises; for a moment he could see nothing else. He said, “Yes, Father. I’ve made my decision.”

Dun dun duuuun.

Yes, it’s all very dramatic and all, what with the implication that Jace might in fact switch sides and join Valentine yet again. And if you believe that, I have a bridge in New York I’d like to sell you.

Seriously, given how CC has refused to address let alone treat any of the horrible things Jace has done the way they should be, what do you think the chances are that she’d actually go through with having him become a villain? Hell, the only reason she claims Jace worked with Valentine in the first book was because he didn’t know his daddy was magical Hitler.

As for the rest of this chapter, it’s just so pointless. It’s a lot of talking, most of it about stuff that we either already know or could figure out. Yes, there’s some speeches clarifying Valentine’s motivations, but they all boil down to him being a racist psychopath. And his brilliant plan? The thing he needs this demon army for?

Beyond that, I have to wonder what the point of this chapter was. That big “dramatic” ending? Who cares? There should be enough tension as is – Valentine is still out there, he still has the MacGuffin Sword, and he’s still half-way to flipping its morality switch. This is totally unnecessary.

Or rather, it should be. But then again, all that stuff I just pointed out has been completely ignored by the entire main cast for the last third of the book, because they’ve been too busy dealing with their own petty teenage drama. If they can’t be bothered to be invested in this plot, then why should I?

Also, I once again have to wonder what the title has to do with the chapter, aside from maybe being a Milton reference. You can’t just toss this crap in whenever you feel like it, CC – either make the chapter names have a real, direct connection to the events depicted in them, or leave them out all together.

This will probably be the last you’ll see from me until December. As in previous years, I’m doing NaNoWriMo, and combined with school work, I’ll probably be under enough stress as it is.

So, happy Halloween to you all. When I come back, I’ll hopefully be rested and recharged, or at least frustrated enough to need a good target.

Counts

Entirely Pointless: 0 (Total: 29)
Un-Logic: 8 (Total: 36)
You Keep Using That Word: 0 (Total: 55)
Shoddy World Building: 1 (Total: 30)
Rapier Twit: 1 (Total: 45)
Our “Heroes”: 7 (Total: 117)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 (Total: 6)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 6 (Total: 85)
A Word from Our Sponsors: 0 (Total: 6)

Comment [15]

Hello everybody, and welcome back to City of Ashes! I’ve not only made it through NaNoWriMo, but also another semester of grad school – just two more to go.

Since it’s been awhile, let’s get a quick recap:

Valentine has managed to get his hands on another of the Mortal Insturments, the Mortal Sword, which has the power to detect lies. He intends to use a special ritual that involves dipping the sword in the blood of children of each of the Downworlder races (warlock, fairy, vampire, and werewolf), which will somehow turn the sword evil and allow its wielder to summon demons. Don’t ask me how that works, because that makes no damn sense.

Meanwhile, the evil (read: mean) Inquisitor (basically Shadowhunter Internal Affairs), has arrived, and is convinced that Jace is secretly working for Valentine, so she had him locked up. It didn’t work very well, so she put Jace under house arrest with Magnus Bane serving as his warden/host. This turned out to be a terrible idea, because Magnus was more than willing to let Jace go, provided another Shadowhunter took his place. In this case, that meant Alec, and was basically an excuse for them to spend the day screwing each other, while Jace was free to do who knows what.

Free from the not-even-remotely-harsh confines of Magnus’s apartment, Jace, Clary, Isabelle, and Simon went to the court of the local queen of the Seelie fairies, ostensibly to gain support against the Inquisitor (or something…), but mostly so CC could force Clary and Jace to make out. Simon wasn’t too happy with this, and once they were out, ran off to the vampires. He got turned, and there was much angsting from Clary.

Frustrated with being ignored for most of the second part, Valentine sent some demons to attack the “heroes”, which resulted in Maia (a werewolf girl) and Luke getting injured. Last chapter, Jace blackmailed Raphael (leader of the vampires) into loaning him a flying motorcycle, which he used to fly off and have a chat with Valentine, and action which I feel completely undermines any claims he might make of being innocent. Valentine, being a moron, explained his Evil Plan TM. It’s stupid – most of the plans from Pinky & the Brain have a better chance of succeeding, including the one where they faked a televised alien invasion a la Orson Welles’ 1938 radio production of War of the Worlds.

But now we begin part three, the final part of this book, which is titled Day of Wrath. And, like every other part, we begin with a pretentious quote:

Day of wrath, that day of burning,
Seer and Sibyl speak concerning,
All the world to ashes turning.
—Abraham Coles

Yeah, that’s about the amount of subtlety I’ve come to expect from CC. But let’s take a look at this.

This is the first stanza from the poem ‘Dies Irae’ by Abraham Coles. According to Wikipedia, Coles was a physician, translator, author, and poet, was born in New Jersey in 1813, and died in California in 1891. That’s it – guy’s entire entry is a single sentence.

As to the poem, well, anyone who knows Latin or is familiar with hymns knows that “dies irae” means “day of wrath”. The hymn even gave rise to a motif used in a lot of music, usually to give the impression of “something really bad is going down”. The poem (like every other version) is about the end of the world. The poem, in 18 stanzas (the first of which CC quoted) describes what will happen, and how the writer will beg for God’s mercy and forgiveness.

But I doubt any part of that will be relevant or accurate – I’m fairly certain that CC went with this because she wants it to sound all big and apocalyptic, but given her track record, that’s not going to happen.

On to the chapter.

We’re back in Clary’s POV, so that at least is an improvement over the previous chapter. She wakes up to find her sketchpad is poking her in the face, and she dropped her pen on the blanket. And apparently it’s a fountain pen, because there’s also a stain.

And already I have to stop. Does anyone really fall asleep like that? I mean, I get falling asleep unexpectedly; I understand being so tired that you fall asleep as soon as you lay down; but if you’re in bed and you’re that tired, why would you try to do something else?

Anyway, she gets up and heads for the bathroom, where she finds piles of bloody clothes from last night. Clary’s unnerved by the sight, and hops in the shower to “ scrub away her lingering feelings of unease.” And I’m sure CC’s referring to Clary being bothered by the attack, but in context, it reads like she’s grossed out by the blood on the clothes.

When she gets out, Magnus is waiting, and we get this delightful bit of CC’s “comedy”:

“Why does it take girls so long to shower?” he demanded. “Mortal girls, Shadowhunters, female warlocks, you’re all the same. I’m not getting any younger waiting out here.”
Clary stepped aside to let him pass. “How old are you, anyway?” she asked curiously.
Magnus winked at her. “I was alive when the Dead Sea was just a lake that was feeling a little poorly.”
Clary rolled her eyes.
Magnus made a shooing motion. “Now move your petite behind. I need to get in there; my hair is a wreck.”
“Don’t use up all my body wash, it’s expensive.”

Oh, there’s so much I have to say. First, the count:

Rapier Twit: 2

One for the “girls take long showers” bit, and another for the idiotic “Dead Sea” joke. I’d add another for the “non-straight guy worrying about his appearance”, but since Magnus has glitter in his hair, I’ll let it slide.

Now for the actual “jokes” themselves. The first one is at least a bit misogynistic – the only way it could be worse is if he were complaining about her getting dressed. The Dead Sea bit is just, well, stupid. Not only does it make no sense, it doesn’t actually give an impression of his age. A better line might have been “when I was a kid, [major city] was a little town with a well,” or something similar. I’m tempted to believe that that particular “joke” is either lifted from something else, or an inside-joke.

And finally, I want to point out Clary’s comment about her body wash. First off, given that neither your mother nor Luke seem to be rolling in cash, why are you buying “expensive” body wash? Does Clary have a sensitive skin or something? Second, where are you buying this stuff that it’s so “expensive”? I can get a bottle of body wash for under $10 from Target or Wal-Mart. And don’t tell me Clary has to have this particular brand – again, unless it’s for health reasons, she can get by with the regular stuff. Hell, use soap and water if it comes to that.

Gah, I’m getting way to caught up in minutia.

Clary goes to the kitchen, starts making coffee, and then goes to get dressed. Ten minutes later (no comment), she’s dressed and trying to wake Luke up, coffee in hand. Luke asks what happened, because he doesn’t remember much of the previous night. Clary explains, and Luke is a bit freaked when he learns he was attacked by Raum demons, as apparently they’re much tougher than the Drevak he ran over. Given how easily they got taken down, this feels like CC trying to build up her self-insert Clary and Jace as being oh-so-awesome, but given how all the demons are just different kinds of mooks, this feels more like moving up from goblins and kobolds to orcs – I’m not really impressed.

Also, I’m not happy that Clary says that it was her and Jace who took care of the demons, glossing over the fact that all she managed to do was scare one off, and omitting Simon’s presence completely. I don’t care that he didn’t help, he was still there.

Our “Heroes”: 2

One for exaggerating her role, and another for removing Simon.

Well, Luke gets pissy about the idea of Clary going out to fight demons, and asks why Magnus didn’t do it. Then Magnus pops up and explains he was busy with Maia, and he smells like Clary’s body wash. I actually like that bit, because I feel that’s a bit of the old Magnus seeping through. Luke and Magnus start going at it, and then Maia shows up, and this happens:

Honestly, Clary thought, it was hardly fair for a werewolf to be curvy and pretty; she ought to be big and hirsute, possibly with hair coming out of her ears. And this, Clary added silently, is exactly why I don’t have any female friends and spend all my time with Simon. I’ve got to get a grip.

Yes, Clary, you’re kind of a bitch. Now that she’s realized that, who wants to bet that she’ll actually take steps to correct her behavior?

Anyone?

No? Fine.

Clary goes to the kitchen and fixes Maia a cup of coffee. To be fair, I do think Maia could have fixed her own coffee, but she is recovering from a nasty injury. When Clary comes back, we learn that Maia also doesn’t remember much of the night before. The one thing she does remember has to do with Simon, so Clary drops this little bomb:

“Well, you did try to kill him,” Clary said, settling back onto the arm of the sofa. “Maybe that’s it.”
Maia paled, staring down into her coffee. “I’d forgotten. He’s a vampire now.” She looked up at Clary. “I didn’t mean to hurt him. I was just . . .”
“Yes?” Clary raised her eyebrows. “Just what?”

Maia starts crying, and Magnus makes a snide comment. And I think it’s telling that Maia is having a more honest reaction to attacking a guy she barely knows than Clary has about pretty much anything.

Clary and Magnus freak out at this, and Clary tells Luke to intervene, as he is “ hands down the top choice between the two [Luke and Magnus] for dealing with crying teenage girls.” Because I guess Clary, being a teenage girl herself, is utterly incapable of dealing with Maia. Okay.

But then Jace and Alec bust in, because I guess having Clary can’t be the least empathetic person in the room. Jace sees the crying Maia, makes a snide remark, and basically tells her to fuck off.

Our “Heroes”: 3

And this is the guy who’s supposed to be getting girls’ panties moist?

Maia, either having served her purpose or beings sensible, leaves the room. No one goes after her, including Luke. Such a kind, caring group of people.

Our “Heroes”: 4

Magnus gets pissed because Jace up and vanished in the middle of the night, as we saw in the previous chapter. There’s some brief questioning of how he did it, as there’s supposed to be magic ensuring that Jace stays with Magnus. The answer? Magnus was too drained to maintain the spell. Don’t know why that’s a problem, though – all you need to do is offer him some tail and he’d let Jace go.

Oh, but we also get this wonderful bit:

“Yes, and I made the little bastard swear to stay in the house.” Magnus glared at Jace. “Now I know what your much vaunted Shadowhunter vows are worth.”
“You need to know how to make me swear properly,” Jace said, unfazed. “Only an oath on the Angel has any meaning.”
“It’s true,” Alec said. It was the first thing he’d said since they’d come into the house.
“Of course it’s true.” Jace picked up Maia’s untouched mug of coffee and took a sip. He made a face. “Sugar.”

VINDICATION, MOTHERFUCKERS!!

I’ve been saying this the whole damn time – the Shadowhuter’s little honor system is complete bull shit, and now there’s proof. The Shadowhunters are no more inherently honorable or trustworthy than anyone else .

And I don’t buy that whole bit about “swearing properly”, because we’ve never established why that would work. We know it’s not because Jace actually believes in the Angel and that it will come down and smite his ass for breaking his word, because we established that fact in the previous book. That’s kind of how swearing by or on something holy meant anything – because people actually believed that there would be repercussions if they broke that vow.

But that’s not the case here. And if there are consequences, why the fuck haven’t they been explained? Does CC just expect her readers to accept that there’s some mystical force that ensures that Shadowhunters always keep their word, so long as it’s said properly? Because that’s not the reader’s job – if the author didn’t put it on the page, it doesn’t exist. So Jace’s word isn’t worth shit.

So, further proof that all these characters are Lawful Evil – if an agreement isn’t done just right, it’s not binding. I’m kind of wondering why Magnus is so put off by this, considering he abused a loophole in his contract back in chapter eight.

And the cherry on top of this sundae of joy – after Jace gets indignant at the idea that they might not believe him, he steals Maia’s coffee and complains that it isn’t how he likes it. Because he’s just that big of a douche bag.

Okay, now the count:

Our “Heroes”: 6

One for the Shadowhunters as a whole, and one for Jace being his usual self.

Magnus asks where Jace was, and there’s a subtle implication that he thinks Jace and Alec were off fooling around. At least that’s how I’m choosing to interpret it. Jace says he was restless and went for a walk, and found Alec on the porch. Because that’s totally not suspicious. I mean, yeah, we know where Jace went, but the other characters don’t. Only the fact that no one in the room suspects him of being a mole is keeping Jace safe. But still, you’d think the guy suspected of being a spy would know better than to disappear in the middle of the night.

Magnus then asks if Alec spent the night on the porch, and we get what I think is supposed to be a funny bit:

Magnus brightened. “Were you there all night?” he asked Alec.
“No,” Alec said. “I went home and then came back. I’m wearing different clothes, aren’t I? Look.”
Everyone looked. Alec was wearing a dark sweater and jeans, which was exactly what he’d been wearing the day before. Clary decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Rapier Twit: 3

Also, Alec brought doughnuts, so we can’t blame Jace’s behavior on the Lightwoods. They might be racist and Nazi-esque, but at least they have manners.

They all have doughnuts (Jace takes two, because he’s a rude asshole) and Luke starts asking Clary a question about when she and Jace came out after him, but Clary interrupts to clarify that Simon was also out there with them. Gee, wonder why Luke might not have known that – could it be because you, Clary, didn’t bother to mention that little fact?

Anyway, Luke wants to know why the demons ran off. Jace gets all indignant about that, but Alec interrupts to point out that demons running off is kinda the bigger issue here. He hypothesizes that, as there were only two demons against the three of them, they might have gotten scared and run off. Magnus pisses on that idea, saying that of the three of them, Jace is really the only threat, ignoring the fact that the demons had no way of knowing that. Thanks, Magnus – nice to know that you’re still an asshole, and not in the way that I’d like you to be.

Then Clary says that she thinks she might have scared it off. How? Well, remember that magic mark she got from her mom in a dream waaaaay the fuck back at the beginning of chapter eight, and which hasn’t been mentioned, or discussed, or even brought up? Yeah, Clary thinks that’s what did it.

See, this just feels lazy. I’m sure CC intended this to be a case of Chekhov’s Gun, but it doesn’t work. Those kinds of things are usually fairly innocuous, something the reader might not notice or consider to be important at the time. The thing with the tarot cards in the previous book was a good example, demonstrating that CC does understand how to do this properly. Here, it fails, because it’s pretty damn obvious that the mark dream-Jocelyn gave Clary is somehow important, because despite her giving it to Clary in a dream it was still there when Clary woke up. This is not something being set up early to pay off later – the is the characters deliberately ignoring something for the sake of the plot.

Un-Logic: 1

Anyway, everyone looks at the mark. No one recognizes it, and Magnus is bothered by it. Clary says she doesn’t know it’s meaning, but it’s not from the Shadowhunters’ big book of magic tattoos. Jace says that all such marks come from the book, and now Clary explains that she “saw it in a dream.” Note that she does not say that it was Jocelyn who showed it to her, or that Jocelyn put it on her in the first place. Once again, Clary is omitting certain details that make her seem more awesome.

Our “Heroes”: 7

Jace is still incredulous, so Clary brings up what the fairy queen told them about them being Valentine’s experiments and them having special gifts. Jace dismisses that as lies, and Clary has to point out that fairies can’t lie. She then walks him through the reasoning, because Jace (and possibly the readers) apparently need their hands held. But, oh, Clary can’t just make new marks – even regular ones are super powerful, too. So Clary’s not only a self-insert and black hole Mary Sue, she’s also got bits of Ginny Weasley (or at least the movie version) as well. Great.

Jace still doesn’t believe this, but everyone else is on board. Luke tells Clary to get her sketch book, and for some reason she has a random flashback before getting up.

On the way, she finds Maia in the kitchen. And I’m just going to have to show you their conversation:

“Look, I’m sorry about what happened with Simon. I was delirious.”
“Oh, yeah? What happened to all that werewolves are destined to hate vampires business?”
Maia blew out an exasperated breath. “We are, but— I guess I don’t have to hurry the process along.”
“Don’t explain it to me; explain it to Simon.”
Maia flushed again, her cheeks turning dark red. “I doubt he’ll want to talk to me.” “He might. He’s pretty forgiving.”

Yes, Clary, clearly it’s Maia’s fault that she can’t control instincts that are practically built into her on a genetic level. Never mind that you’re more than willing to let Jace shit all over Simon – Jace is a hot guy, and therefore immune to criticism; Maia’s a hot girl, and therefore deserves nothing but scorn.

Our “Heroes”: 8

Also, note that Clary has never told Jace to apologize to Simon for his behavior, despite Jace never showing regret for his actions, which Maia clearly is. Nope, Maia is the one who needs to be shown her place.

Anyway, Maia asks if Clary and Simon are dating. Clary asks why she asks, and Maia explains that, between her and Simon meeting at the bar and then at Luke’s house, Clary suddenly went from being his “best friend” (a sure sign that Simon needs to get out more) and being his “girlfriend” (further proof that Simon needs to get out more). Clary gets flustered, and explains that they were friends, and that it’s a long story.

No, Clary, it’s not – Simon’s had a crush on you since you were kids, and only now has mustered up the courage to make a move. The only complicating factor is that you’re still obviously lusting after a guy you think is your brother.

Well, Maia says that Clary is lucky, and that Simon being a vampire probably isn’t that big a deal, since Clary, being a Shadowhunter, is probably used to stuff like that. Clary’s response is kind of telling:

“It fazes me,” Clary said, more sharply than she’d intended. “I’m not Jace.”
The smirk widened. “No one is. And I get the feeling he knows it.”

Yes, Jace is an emotionally stunted, egotistical, psychopathic man-child. But that’s probably not what CC (speaking through Maia) means. Clary asks for clarification, which leads to this (sorry for all the quotes):

“Oh, you know. Jace reminds me of an old boyfriend. Some guys look at you like they want sex. Jace looks at you like you’ve already had sex, it was great, and now you’re just friends— even though you want more. Drives girls crazy. You know what I mean?”

Yep, CC is once again pushing that All girls want bad boys crap. Because of course all girls are the same – they all find arrogant, abusive assholes to be attractive. Because Jace has to be the most desired guy in the world – that just makes Clary all the more special by him only wanting her.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Clary starts to leave, but then asks Maia about the old boyfriend she mentioned, and Maia explains that said boyfriend was the one who made her a werewolf.

Yes, that’s right – we’re once again told how Jace resembles that psycho. But of course Maia can’t actually tell Clary that, or say something as simple as “looks can be deceiving – I learned that the hard way,” oh, no, because then Clary might actually think being with Jace might be a bad or even dangerous thing, and we can’t have that!

There’s a scene break, and Clary’s got her sketchpad and returned to the living room. Because I guess Maia’s “revelation” was just so shocking.

A Word From Our Sponsors: 1

Clary grabs a chair from the dining room, and again I’m confronted by CC’s inability to establish a normal setting – how big is Luke’s place? I understand that he lives above his bookstore, but it’s an independent one, and the only other employee we know of gets paid in books, yet this place has a basement, kitchen, dining room, office, living room, and two bedrooms, along with the space for the shop. I feel like these books aren’t set in the real New York, but the version from TV and movies, where people somehow manage to rent/own fairly large apartments despite having relatively low income.

Gah. Clary reflects that she feels like she’s taking a test in art school, the only reminder of the fact that she actually goes to school we’ve seen this entire book, and asks what she should do. Jace acts indignant (big surprise), and only now does Luke tell him to shut up. Dude won’t stand up for a member of his pack, but will for the daughter of the woman he wants to bone – yeah, he’s a great leader, alright.

To be fair, though, I do kind of sympathize with Jace – what the heck did Clary think they told her to get her sketchpad for?

Luke explains that he wants Clary to try drawing a new mark, and Clary gets performance anxiety:

Clary flipped the sketchpad to a blank page and stared down at it. Never had a sheet of paper looked quite so empty to her before. She could sense the stillness in the room, everyone watching her: Magnus with his ancient, tempered curiosity; Alec too preoccupied with his own problems to care much for hers; Luke hopefully; and Jace with a cold, frightening blankness. She remembered him saying that he wished he could hate her and wondered if someday he might succeed.

Apart from that last bit, it’s not that bad – artistic pursuits are often solitary activities, so suddenly having to do them in front of an audience can be intimidating. That said, I’m still giving it a count for her focusing on Jace.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Yes, “cold, frightening blankness” is such a turn-on. Though that might explain Edward Cullen.

Clary gets frustrated and says that she needs an idea first, and that she doesn’t know what runes already exist. Alec starts to say that even they don’t remember all the runes, but then Jace interrupts:

“How about,” he said quietly, “Fearless?”
“Fearless?” she echoed.
“There are runes for bravery,” said Jace. “But never anything to take away fear. But if you, as you say, can create new runes . . .” He glanced around, and saw Alec’s and Luke’s surprised expressions. “Look, I just remembered that there isn’t one, that’s all. And it seems harmless enough.”

YES THIS IS TOTALLY RANDOM AND WILL NOT BE IMPORTANT LATER AT ALL.

Ugh. I’ve known this was coming for a while, and it makes me nuts. Here’s why – fear is not the problem, what you do with it is. Here’s some select quotes from authors who understand that. First, George R.R. Martin in A Game of Thrones, a bit that was unfortunately cut from the show:

“Can a man still be brave if he’s afraid?”
“That is the only time a man can be brave.”

Next, the Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear, from Dune, which was included (if shortened) in both adaptations:

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

You see what I’m going for, here? It’s not the fact that people have fear that’s the problem, it’s how they respond to that fear. Fear is a necessary part of life – it stops people from doing things that could lead to harm, or worse, death. Yes, it can be an obstacle, but that makes the hero overcoming their fear that much more of a victory.

For example – in the movie Zombieland, one of the first things we learn about Columbus is that, along with being afraid of zombies, he’s also afraid of clowns. So when he faces down a zombie clown to save Wichita and Little Rock at the end, his victory is that much greater. Saving them from a horde of zombies might have been enough, but that he faced a zombie clown shows how determined he was to rescue them.

But no, we can’t actually have Jace face Valentine’s pet demon and overcome it through his own will and determination – no, he has to cheat. Because if he has to exert any kind of effort to achieve his goals, then it’s just too hard.

Luke agrees, and Clary gets to work, and with almost no effort at all (let alone thought) she makes a new mark. Everyone is impressed, and once again Jace is the sole voice of reason, pointing out that they have no idea if the thing will actually work. Now Clary gets a bit indignant, and Jace explains that they need to try it out on a live subject. Luke doesn’t like the idea, but Jace decides that he’ll be the guinea pig, and we get more CC “comedy” from Magnus:

Jace dropped the paper back onto the table, and began to slide off his jacket. “I’ve got a stele we can use. Who wants to do me?”
“A regrettable choice of words,” muttered Magnus.

Rapier Twit: 4

Because that’s the kind of quips one expects from a supposedly old an powerful warlock – teenage level sex jokes.

Seeing the brain is free, Luke grabs it and explains why testing this thing on Jace is a stupid idea:

Luke stood up. “No,” he said. “Jace, you already behave as if you’ve never heard the word ‘fear.’ I fail to see how we’re going to be able to tell the difference if it does work on you.”
Alec stifled what sounded like a laugh. Jace simply smiled a tight, unfriendly smile. “I’ve heard the word ‘fear,’” he said. “I simply choose to believe it doesn’t apply to me.”
“Exactly the problem,” said Luke.

Now if only Luke pointed out that this was due to Jace being an arrogant jackass; as is, it just serves to make him seem more awesome.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

Clary suggests they try it out on Luke, but apparently marks don’t work on Downworlders. So then Alec volunteers. Jace offers to let Clary do it, but she demures, saying that Jace is “probably better at actually applying Marks than [she is].”

And yes, they’ve been Pointlessly Capitalizing that word this whole time, so now’s as good a time as any to tally them up:

You Keep Using That Word: 3

They use it several more times in the following paragraphs, so I’ll just preemptively tally them as well.

You Keep Using That Word: 7

Jace puts the new one on Alec’s arm, and they all wait for something to happen. Nothing does. They ask Alec if he feels any different, and he says no. They hypothesize that maybe they need to expose him to something he’s afraid of, so they ask Alec if he’s afraid of anything. He says he’s afraid of spiders, and I give CC the side-eye. Then this happens:

Clary turned to Luke. “Have you got a spider anywhere?”
Luke looked exasperated. “Why would I have a spider? Do I look like someone who would collect them?”
“No offense,” Jace said, “but you kind of do.”

I wasn’t aware that people who collect spiders have a particular look, Jace. However, pretentious assholes do.

Rapier Twit: 5

Alec expressed my feelings and says that this whole thing is stupid. Clary suggests that he might be afraid of the dark, and proposes they lock him up in the basement. Alec points out that he’s been trained to hunt demons, so he’s not bothered by the dark. They go back and forth on this for a bit, and the doorbell rings.

Clary looks over at Luke and wonders if it might be Simon. Luke points out that the sun is up, so no, it can’t be Simon. We’re told that Clary forgot about him being a vampire.

Our “Heroes”: 9

Well, it’s a step up from forgetting he exists, but given how not ten minutes ago she was giving Maia a hard time about attacking Simon for just being a vampire, it doesn’t reflect well on her. Either that, or CC is a lazy writer and one of her betas pointed out that, with Simon being a vampire, by this setting’s rules, he can’t go out during the day, but instead of just cutting that bit, she added more to try and cover it up. It failed.

Luke gets up and answers the door, figuring it’s a customer wondering why the bookstore isn’t open.

But it’s not just some random person, because this book runs on contrivances. No, instead it’s Mr. and Mrs. Lightwood, Isabelle, and the Inquisitor. They’re all pissed about being kept out of the story for so long. Magnus and Jace freak out, but Alec stands up, and we find out what this “fearless” mark really does – it doesn’t take away fear, it takes away common sense. Because Alec decides that right now is not only the perfect time to tell his parents that he’s dating a Downworlder, but also that he’s gay.

Oh, but it gets worse, because Magnus decides to step in an stop him. How, you ask? By doing this:

Magnus’s fingers moved, quick as a flash of light, in Alec’s direction. There was a faint shimmer in the air around Alec— his eyes rolled up— and he dropped to the floor, felled like a tree.

Our “Heroes”: 10

Yes, that was clearly the most sensible option. Never mind that no one seemed even remotely interested, and any one of them could have reiterated the point that this was not the time for that. No, the best thing to do is to use magic to knock Alec out.

Also, it gets one of these, because I’m sure CC meant for this bit to be like something out of a sitcom:

Rapier Twit: 6

Alec comes to and asks what’s going on. And Jace (who is Alec’s super-best, closer-than-brothers friend) gives this response:

Jace snorted. “You know how we were wondering if that thing Clary did would work or not?” he asked. “It works all right.”

CLEARLY THIS IT THE HEIGHT OF HUMOR! LAUGH, DAMN YOU, LAUGH!

Rapier Twit: 7

Alec is embarrassed and takes back everything he said. Magnus excuses his behavior as him being delirious from demon toxins. Maryse says that no one reported any demon attacks, and wants to know what the heck’s going on. Clary tries to cover this by explaining that Luke was also attacked, and was unconscious.

Then the Inquisitor speaks, and it is all jus so glorious. Bask in it, folks:

“How convenient. Everyone’s either unconscious or apparently delirious,” said the Inquisitor. Her knifelike voice cut through the room, silencing everyone. “Downworlder, you know perfectly well that Jonathan Morgenstern should not be in your house. He should have been locked up in the warlock’s care.”
“I have a name, you know,” Magnus said. “Not,” he added, seeming to think twice about interrupting the Inquisitor, “that that matters, really. In fact, forget all about it.”
“I know your name, Magnus Bane,” said the Inquisitor. “You’ve failed in your duty once; you won’t get another chance.”
“Failed in my duty?” Magnus frowned. “Just by bringing the boy here? There was nothing in the contract I signed that said I couldn’t bring him with me at my own discretion.”
“That wasn’t your failure,” the Inquisitor said. “Letting him see his father last night, that was your failure.”

Oh, Inquisitor, how I’ve missed you and your ability to cut through all of Jace’s bullshit. I don’t care if every one of the main characters hates you – if anything, it makes you more appealing, because they’re all such horrible people.

And the fact that she knows exactly what Jace did in the last chapter is just that much sweeter.

Anyway, Luke gets super pissed at her accusation, and tells her Jace is innocent, and that she should stop harassing him. The Inquisitor bats that away by pointing out that doing that is her job, then tells Jace to confess. Jace refuses to cooperate, but the Inquisitor points out that that just makes him look guilty, and mentions Valentine’s boat.

And just like that, everyone, including Clary, is suddenly suspicious of Jace. The Inquisitor explains that Valentine is on a boat in the East River, and Magnus exposits that that was why he couldn’t locate Valentine. Luke asks what Valentine is doing, and the Inquisitor says he should ask Jace, and mentions him getting a flying motorcycle from Raphael (though not that he blackmailed him for it).

Jace doesn’t respond, so she tells him to take something out of his jacket. It’s the bit of magic-mirror glass that CC totally didn’t steal from Harry Potter. The Inquisitor explains that she knew he’d head back to the Institute to get it, and then we learn how she knows what Jace did in the previous chapter:

With a sudden, violent motion at odds with her calm tone, the Inquisitor dashed the piece of mirror to the ground. It shattered instantly into powdery shards. Clary heard Jace suck his breath in, but he didn’t move.
The Inquisitor drew on a pair of gray gloves and knelt among the bits of mirror, sifting them through her fingers until she found what she was looking for— a single sheet of thin paper. She stood, holding it up for everyone in the room to see the thick rune written on it in black ink. “I marked this paper with a tracking rune and slipped it between the bit of mirror and its backing. Then I replaced it in the boy’s room. Don’t feel bad for not noticing it,” she said to Jace. “Older heads and wiser than yours have been fooled by the Clave.”

Jace accuses her (and the Clave) of spying on people, bringing in the “everyone hates Internal Affairs” crap, but she shoots that down by pointing out that his friends have also broken the rules (or rather, “the Law”).

You Keep Using That Word: 8

Isabelle says that they’re family (making Jace a really shitty brother), and the Inquisitor tells her to shut up, because she could bring Isabelle up on charges. Papa Lightwood objects, and well, this:

“Complicit?” To everyone’s surprise, it was Robert Lightwood who had spoken. “The girl was just trying to keep you from shattering our family. For God’s sake, Imogen, these are all just children—”
“Children?” The Inquisitor turned her icicle gaze on Robert. “Just as you were children when the Circle plotted the destruction of the Clave? Just as my son was a child when he—” She caught herself with a sort of gasp, as if gaining control of herself by main force.

Again, I have to side with the Inquisitor: these aren’t some innocent, deluded kids – they know exactly what they’re doing, and she knows first-hand what bullshit that is. Also, gotta love her bringing up the Lightwoods’ past, seeing as she’s the only one who hasn’t forgotten it.

But this quickly dissolves into accusations that she’s only acting like this because of her son and she wants revenge, not because she knows just how dangerous Valentine really is. No, she was mean to Jace, so she’s the bad guy.

(Also, we have another instance of her impersonating Judge Dredd)

You Keep Using That Word: 9

Maryse asks what’s going to happen to Jace, and the Inquisitor says she’s taking him back to Shadowhunter-land in the morning, and that’s all she’ll say on the matter. Clary objects, wanting to know when Jace will be free, Jace tries to get her to shut up, but she insists that they should be focusing on Valentine, completely ignoring the fact that Jace had a secret meeting with Valentine last night. Because even when Jace is acting suspicious, no one is allowed to do anything about it.

Luke steps in and says that it’s their fault, not Jace’s, if he went off to meet Valentine. Because Jace can’t be held responsible for his actions, ever. The Inquisitor tells Luke the shut the hell up, and Alec of all people takes the Inquisitor’s side:

“She’s right.” Alec was sitting on the edge of the sofa, his arms crossed and his jaw set. “Jace lied to us. There’s no excuse for that.”
Jace’s jaw dropped. He’d been sure of Alec’s loyalty, at least, and Clary didn’t blame him. Even Isabelle was staring at her brother in horror. “Alec, how can you say that?”
“The Law is the Law, Izzy,” said Alec, not looking at his sister. “There’s no way around that.”

Again, god forbid someone actually call Jace out for being suspicious as fuck or respond accordingly.

Isabelle gets all emotional and runs out, because I guess she’s just here to be the emotional female character. Magnus goes to leave, and actually gets in a semi-decent line before he departs:

“I’d say it’s been nice meeting you all, but, in fact, it hasn’t. It’s been quite awkward, and frankly, the next time I see a single one of you will be far too soon.”

Eh, I’ve heard better.

Jace gets snarky, and the Inquisitor puts some magic handcuffs on him that look like actual fire. Clary gets all worked up about this, but Jace tells her that they’ll only hurt him if he tries to escape. The Inquisitor tells Clary that, while she wasn’t raised by Valentine, she will be watching her. Luke gets indignant, and the Inquisitor gets another awesome line:

Luke’s grip tightened on Clary’s shoulder. “Is that a threat?”
“The Clave does not make threats, Lucian Graymark. The Clave makes promises and keeps them.”

Ooh, you want some ice for that, Luke?

The Inquisitor is described as sounding happy, and everyone else is upset, and Jace is described as looking “like a lion in a trap.”

Because of course he has to be compared to a lion. But then, so was this little shit:

And we all know what happened to him. Best part of Storm of Swords, if you ask me.

The Inquisitor makes Jace walk ahead of her, and tells him she’ll kill him if he makes a wrong move. They leave, and everyone else sits around in Luke’s living room.

Meanwhile, I’m doing my happy dance, because once again the little psycho has been locked away. Maybe it’ll stick for more than a chapter this time.

It’s been a while since I looked at this book, and this chapter did a wonderful job reminding me of why I’m doing this: Clary’s unnecessary hostility to Maia; Jace’s general dickishness; ill-defined powers that require no effort to use, let alone master; and everyone rallying to defend Jace, in spite of actual evidence of his behavior.

The fact that everyone immediately takes Jace’s side is probably what pisses me off the most. I’m always bothered in cop shows where the IA folks are always treated as the bad guys, because how dare they lock up other cops. Never mind that a bad or corrupt cop is probably more dangerous than a criminal, because it almost guarantee’s that their behavior won’t be reported – civilians will be afraid of telling other cops, and other cops won’t do anything because of the blue wall of silence. And we’re seeing the same thing here – even though Luke, Clary, and the Lightwoods know what Jace has done, and the Inquisitor brought out irrefutable proof that Jace knew about Valentine’s whereabouts, they all still circled the wagons to defend him. Hell, they were doing that from the beginning.

And it’s not that I have a problem with some of the characters assuming Jace is entirely innocent, and that the Inquisitor is being irrational. I could believe Clary and Alec buying that, because they’re in love with him (for some reason) and believe Jace’s shit doesn’t stink. Heck, I could even accept Isabelle siding with them, too. Have the kids working on their own to prove Jace’s innocence to the adults. Yes, that wouldn’t exactly be original, but at least it would be realistic.

But no. Instead, we get everyone acting like the Inquisitor is an authoritarian fanatic, and everyone else opposes her – she’s basically Delores Umbridge. Except that with Umbridge, we knew for a fact that she was endangering children, and her (and Fudge’s) persecution of Harry and suppression of information about Voldemort’s return were wrong, and that Harry was innocent (which is hardly the case here). But even then, not everyone was immediately on Harry’s side – even some of his friends didn’t believe him. What’s more, it was never implied that Umbridge or Fudge were villainous for doing any of that – at worst, the were misguided. Obsessively so, perhaps, but that didn’t make them evil.

But that’s not what we have here. Jace is not the unwitting victim of an uncaring system or crazed authority, and the Inquisitor isn’t some crazy woman seeing conspiracies in every corner. Jace is a violent psychopath who has no real reason not to join Valentine, and the Inquisitor is the only person not blinded by his facade of innocence and heroism. Maia is right to compare Jace to her dead brother – they’re exactly the same. Too bad no one, including the author, seems to realize that.

Counts

Entirely Pointless: 0 (Total: 29)
Un-Logic: 1 (Total: 37)
You Keep Using That Word: 9 (Total: 64)
Shoddy World Building: 0 (Total: 30)
Rapier Twit: 7 (Total: 52)
Our “Heroes”: 10 (Total: 127)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 (Total: 6)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 3 (Total: 88)
*A Word from Our Sponsors: 1 (Total: 7

Comment [8]

Chapter 15 – The Serpent’s Tooth

Hello, all. I know what you’re thinking – another chapter? So soon? You’re damn right. This book has 21 chapters, if you count the prologue and epilogue, and I want to be done with this thing ASAP.

Last time, the plot finally got moving again. Sort of. Well, Jace has been locked up again, so that’s something, I guess.

Chapter fifteen begins a few minutes after the end of the last chapter. Clary asks Luke what they’re going to do, and Luke says he needs coffee. Once he’s properly caffeinated, Luke says that the situation is “very bad.”

Well, duh.

No Shit Sherlock: 1

I mean, you guys have pretty much alienated the one possible ally you might have had, your best guy has been benched, and you’ve wasted far too much time focusing on your personal crap instead of trying to stop Valentine from summoning his demon army. So now you really need to focus on finding Valentine and figuring out how to stop him, so…

Oh, wait, they’re mostly worried about Jace being locked up. Because that’s the most important issue right now.

CC’s fanfic origins are once again on display – everything, and I mean everything has to be about the Sue and/or the favored character. If something’s wrong with them, then everyone has to drop everything to solve their problem, even if the Big Bad should by all logic be the bigger concern.

So Clary asks what’ll happen to Jace in Shadowhunter Land, and Luke tells her.

“Trial before the Clave. They’ll probably find him guilty. Then punishment. He’s young, so they might just strip his Marks, not curse him.”
“What does that mean?” Luke didn’t meet her eyes. “It means they’ll take his Marks away, unmake him as a Shadowhunter, and throw him out of the Clave. He’ll be a mundane.”
“But that would kill him. It really would. He’d rather die.”

I don’t think CC really thought out the implications of that statement – that Jace would rather be dead than be forced to live as a mundane. You know, like all her readers. And her. What does that say about what he thinks of mundanes in general?

I feel tainted just thinking about it. Like my soul is dirty. If I were more religious, I might consider going to confession. Or flogging myself.

Luke says that the Clave doesn’t care about Jace’s feelings (one reason to root for them, then), and that they’ll do it just to get back at Valentine. Because they’re just that petty, I guess. Or is this more of that “sins of the father” stuff?

Clary points out that Valentine is also her father, but Luke tells her that she’s practically a mundane (my phrasing, not the book’s), they don’t care about her. He then opines that they can’t just run off to his farmhouse. I don’t know why they can’t leave – it’s not like he has actual responsibilities (that he takes seriously, at any rate). The Inquisitor didn’t tell them not to leave town or anything. I might buy that they need to take care of Jocelyn, but she’s in the hospital, so that can’t be it. So I guess they can’t just pack up and leave because… plot, or something.

Un-Logic: 1

The mere mention of leaving upsets Clary, so Luke has to explain that that wasn’t what he was saying. He then brings up the fact that, since the Inquisitor knows Valentine’s location, New York could become a very dangerous place.

Which just raises a whole bunch of questions:

1)If the Inquisitor knows where ol’ Val is, what makes you think that she won’t capture him, thus negating the Clave’s petty need to punish Jace?
2)If you’re reasonably sure New York will become a war zone, shouldn’t that provide further incentive to leave?
3)The only way you’d be in any danger is if you got in the way in what is, ostensibly, a purely internal matter for the Shadowhunters. Why would you get involved in the first place?
4)Admittedly, the werewolves and Shadowhunters are sort-of allies, but given what happened in chapter two (NO, I STILL WILL NOT LET THAT GO), not to mention the general treatment Downworlders receive from Shadowhunters, you have plenty of excuses to stay out of this fight.

The only explanation I can come up with for any of these is… because plot. Which is the worst possible answer.

Un-Logic: 5

Clary says that she’s only worried about Jace (uh, duh), and Luke points out that the Inquisitor isn’t making baseless accusations. Clary somehow interprets this as him saying he thinks Jace killed the Silent Brothers, so Luke has to once again explain what he means (MY GOD, CLARY IS SO DENSE) – in this case, that Jace went off to have a chat with Valentine.

Clary brings up Luke mentioning them “failing” Jace, and asks what he meant. Luke explains that what Jace really wants is some parental/father figure, and when the Lightwoods kicked his ass out, it didn’t leave him with a lot of options, so it’s really their fault he went to Valentine.

So, basically, Jace is a spoiled brat with daddy issues. He’s also seventeen years old – get some damn therapy.

Clary says that she thought Jace might have wanted the same from Luke, and Luke says he thought so, too. And I still don’t give a shit, because none of this suddenly makes Jace not a whiny little prick.

Scene change, and we’re with Maia. Hopefully, this will be more pleasant than the last time we were in her head.

She’s apparently spent the past twenty minutes trying to open a window (this raises so many questions) so she can sneak out. She jumps down to the ground is disappointed that no one tried to stop her, and we get this wonderful bit:

She fought down an errant stab of disappointment. It wasn’t as if they’d paid that much attention to her when she was in the house, she thought, scrambling up the high chain-link fence that separated Luke’s backyard from the alley, so why would they notice that she’d left it? She was clearly an afterthought, just as she’d always been. The only one of them who’d treated her as if she were of any importance was Simon.

It really says something when a side-character is more self-aware than any of the protagonists. I mean, I really feel sorry for Maia right now. I want to give her a hug and put her in a book where she’ll get the treatment she deserves.

Maia gets going and we learn that she actually does remember the night before, and feels really guilty about it. All of which just makes me wonder why all of CC’s main characters suck so much.

She reflects on how much she wanted to trust Simon, and how she can’t do that now, but she’s still going to see him, if only to apologize for her behavior. Again, Maia, a secondary character at best, is more sympathetic than any of the main characters. CC, what is wrong with you?

Maia here’s someone laugh, which freaks her out a bit, and we learn how being a werewolf makes her tough and strong and fast, and yet she’s still kinda scared. I really like this.

She ducks down an alley, which is nicely described, and not too purple. And Maia is suddenly confronted by her dead brother. Maia collapses, and her brother threatens her with a piece of glass, but some guy tells her to stop.

I’ll save you the suspense and explain the obvious – the guy is Valentine, and Maia’s brother is actually Valentine’s pet demon. The demon with the stupid name drops his disguise, and Valentine admonishes it for almost killing Maia.

Valentine asks Maia how old she is. At first, Maia is confused, so Valentine steps on her hand and asks again. Maia literally says “Screw you”, I cheer inside, Valentine whips out his fancy Shadowhunter knife, cuts her face a bit, and asks her again. Maia says she’s fifteen, which pleases Valentine, bringing the scene to an end.

So that was another of those oh-so-rare bits of writing that demonstrate that CC can be a good writer when she puts forth the effort. I like Maia, and because I like her, I’m more invested when she’s threatened. Even the scene where she was confronted by Valentine’s demon in the form of her brother was actually kind of scary.

So again, CC, why does so much of this book suck?

Anyway, after the scene break we’re with Jace.

I’m okay, I’m okay. So, Jace is with the Inquisitor, who’s dragged him off to be locked up properly. Along the way, they pass by some mirrors, which gives Jace a chance to see how rough he looks. Mostly he’s dirty, though, so I don’t care, and I’m giving it one of these out of spite:

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

And we get this lovely bit of dialogue:

“Admiring yourself?” The Inquisitor’s voice cut through his reverie. “You won’t look so pretty when the Clave gets through with you.”
“You do seem obsessed with my looks.” Jace turned away from the mirror with some relief. “Could it be that all this is because you’re attracted to me?”
“Don’t be revolting.”

Rapier Twit: 1

Yep. Despite everything, Jace still hasn’t learned to keep his damn mouth shut. As a further example, the Inquisitor mentions her son (for… some reason), leading Jace to ask about him, which causes the Inquisitor to threaten Jace. Thankfully, this seems to have gotten through to Jace, and he shuts up.

Unfortunately, he quickly recovers:

He glanced down at his bound hands. His wrists and shoulders had gone from aching to a hard, stabbing pain, but he didn’t wince as the Inquisitor regarded one of the blades, named it Jophiel, and plunged it into the polished wooden floorboards at her feet. He waited, but nothing happened.
“Boom?” he said eventually. “Was something supposed to happen there?”
“Shut up.” The Inquisitor’s tone was final. “And stay where you are.”

Rapier Twit: 2

Again, I have to wonder why I’m supposed to like Jace.

Jace figures out that the Inquisitor is doing some kind of ritual, as she’s shoving Shadowhunter not-lightsabers into the floor at the cardinal points.

(Speaking of lightsabers, has anyone seen the new Star Wars movie? If you haven’t, you should. Seriously.)

Anyway, the Inquisitor puts four blades into the floor, then draws something on the floor next to one of them, and suddenly Jace is trapped inside a force field. This upsets him, because how dare anyone try to cage the mighty Jace Wayland, and he tries to escape, only to get electrocuted and fall on his ass. The Inquisitor gets a good laugh, and basically explains what I just said, and that the only way to remove the force field is to remove the Shadowhunter knives. Then, when Jace tries to go for one, the Inquisitor tells him that if he touches one, he’ll die.

Personally, I wouldn’t have mentioned that last bit – it’s a Darwin Award in the making, right there.

Then Jace gets indignant and asks how they’re going to feed him, but the Inquisitor doesn’t care. Then we get this wonderful bit:

“But my hands—” He looked down at his bound wrists. The burning metal was eating into his skin like acid. Blood welled around the fiery manacles.
“You should have thought of that before you went to see Valentine.”

Thank you, Inquisitor. Jace, if you’re too stupid or reckless to consider the possible consequences of your actions, then you deserve every bad thing that happens to you because of them.

And unfortunately, this is the last we’ll be seeing of the sane, rational, good Inquisitor. From here on, she’s just the crazy, obsessed Inquisitor everyone’s been claiming she is.

Jace calls her super-mean for keeping him bound up, and that the Council (there’s a council now?) can’t be any worse, and the Inquisitor says that she’s not taking him back home for a trial – no instead, she plans on meeting with Valentine to swap Jace for the magical MacGuffins. I’d like to think that this is just part of a sting operation, but CC probably isn’t clever enough for that.

So now I’m forced to side with Jace, as he explains that Valentine, a man who tried to stage a coup and start a race war, and who experimented on his own children in utero, probably doesn’t place much value on said children’s lives. But the Inquisitor insists that, no, since Valentine is a parent, he clearly must value the lives of his children over everything else, and this is clearly just Jace trying to help Valentine.

However, there is this wonderful little gem:

He’s using the Sword and the Cup to summon demons and control them. The more you waste your time with me, the more he can build up his army.

Oh, this is the fucking definition of irony – Jace, who along with the other main characters, spent a good third of this book screwing around and focusing on teenage, high school drama bullshit, is now criticizing the Inquisitor for wasting time by not going after Valentine. If this were a better book, I might believe CC did this on purpose.

So the Inquisitor goes to leave, but before she does, we get this bit:

“Don’t think,” she said, “that returning you to your father is what I want to do. It’s better than Valentine Morgenstern deserves.”
“What does he deserve?”
“To hold the dead body of his child in his arms. To see his dead son and know that there is nothing he can do, no spell, no incantation, no bargain with hell that will bring him back—” She broke off. “He should know,” she said, in a whisper, and pushed at the door, her hands scrabbling against the wood. It shut behind her with a click, leaving Jace, his wrists burning, staring after her in confusion.

And despite CC’s best efforts, I still feel more sympathy for the Inquisitor than for Jace.

And of course Jace is confused – he can’t imagine caring about anyone that much, including his best friends/siblings, the Lightwoods. The only reason he cares at all about Clary is because he wants to bang her.

Scene change, and we’re back with Clary. Whoop-di-fuck.

Clary’s been trying to call Isabelle, but hasn’t had any luck. Luke thinks she might have been trying to call Simon, but in a rare demonstration of human decency, she says she doesn’t want to wake him up. Don’t get excited, because it doesn’t last long.

She gets up, grabs a yogurt from the fridge, and is half-way through it before she remembers that Maia is in the house. Again, if certain characters aren’t actually in front of her, Clary forgets they exist. Clary offers to go check on Maia, but Luke says he’ll do it, since he’s Maia’s pack leader and all. Yes, remind me of what a great leader you are, Luke. That’s just what I need right now.

Luke comes back with the note Maia left, which he shows Clary. And I will share it with you, in its entirety:

Sorry about everything. Gone to make amends. Thanks for all you’ve done. Maia.

Clary is completely stumped by this, as is Luke. For some reason, Luke mentions that the demons from last night might still be after Maia, and then Clary figures out that Maia has gone to talk to Simon. Yeah, Nancy Drew she ain’t.

No Shit Sherlock: 2

Luke asks if Maia even knows where Simon lives, and Clary says that they “seem kind of close in a way,” so she just might. Never mind that Simon and Maia have interacted a grand total of three times, and that Clary was present for two of them. And if I’m totally honest, it feels kind of racist – “Oh, you’re a Downworlder? So is my friend. Do you know him?”

Our “Heroes”: 1

A little petty, but still.

Also, this brings up a nice plot hole – we’ve seen all the interactions between Simon and Maia. At no point do I recall Simon mentioning where he lives. So, how did Maia plan on finding him to apologize for her actions? You know, the whole reason she left in the first place?

The only answer I can come up with is because plot.

Un-Logic: 6

So Clary calls up Simon, which is somewhat justifiable given everything else that’s been going on. Simon isn’t too pleased, and points out that he’s nocturnal, which I like. Clary explains why she called, and Simon says that Maia isn’t at his place. Clary starts to tell him to call if she does, but Simon interrupts to tell her that someone’s breaking into his house.

And the scene ends there. CC really likes her forced cliff-hangers, doesn’t she?

Now we’re back with Jace. He’s been sitting in his make-shift prison for a while, and apparently the magical handcuffs are too tight, because his fingers are starting to go numb. He briefly considers how the first person to come into the room will react to seeing him (evidently he’s in the training room – I guess the Institute doesn’t have temporary holding cells or anything, despite its size), but then figures that the Inquisitor probably put the room off limits. None of this matters, though, because Jace “[can’t] bring himself to care.”

What a coincidence – neither can I.

But because even CC realizes that an entire scene of Jace angsting and pontificating how terrible his situation is would be incredibly boring, someone comes in to talk with him. It’s Alec. Because we wouldn’t want to give more screen time to that slut Isabelle, I guess.

Alec starts to poke at the magical force field, but Jace warns him not to. They have this little exchange:

Alec drew his hand back with a low whistle. “The Inquisitor meant business.”
“Of course she did. I’m a dangerous criminal. Or hadn’t you heard?” Jace heard the acid in his own tone, saw Alec flinch, and was meanly, momentarily, glad.
“She didn’t call you a criminal, exactly . . .”
“No, I’m just a very naughty boy. I do all sorts of bad things. I kick kittens. I make rude gestures at nuns.”

Don’t forget starting fights with innocent packs of werewolves because you have man-pain! Lord knows I haven’t!

Rapier Twit: 3

CC, your constant insistence on how Jace is entirely innocent is getting really grating, especially when we’ve seen first-hand that he’s not.

Even Alec thinks Jace is being too flippant, and asks why the hell Jace went to Valentine in the first place. Jace responds that Valentine is his father. Alec doesn’t take that too well, and this happens:

“What if it was your father? What would you do?”
“My father? My father would never do the things that Valentine—”
Jace’s head jerked up. “Your father did do those things! He was in the Circle along with my father! Your mother, too! Our parents were the same. The only difference is that yours got caught and punished, and mine didn’t!”

… Goddamnit, CC, stop making me side with Jace. He’s such a complete prick the rest of the time, I feel like I’m defending Hitler when I agree with him.

Seriously, this is the first time any of the main characters have pointed out that the Lightwoods aren’t purely good and innocent. Also, note that Jace only says that they were punished, not that they’ve repented or changed their ways. Kinda makes me think that they’ve just toned down the racism – like only using racial slurs in private. Which adds a whole layer of teen rebelliousness to the fact that both of their kids are dating Downworlders.

Anyway, Alec gets a bit pissed at that, and Jace looks down at his wrists, which are bleeding slightly. And I don’t care.

Alec composes himself, and clarifies what he meant – Valentine abandoned Jace, and let him believe his father was dead for years, so why would Jace feel any loyalty to him? Which is a good point, and something that maybe should have been brought up sooner. Say, at the beginning of this book, because this same question applies to Jace’s motivations for working with Valentine in the last book.

We get more description of Jace’s wrists bleeding, and I still don’t care. Jace says that Val promised not to hurt anyone Jace cares about if he went over to the dark side joined Valentine. Alec points out that Valentine probably meant that he wouldn’t personally hurt anyone Jace cares about, but Jace isn’t listening. Instead, he talks about how big Valentine’s demon army will be (and now I’m thinking about Dragon Age: Inquisition) and how the impending war will just be so terrible and whatnot. Alec points out that Valentine probably isn’t trustworthy, Jace brings up the Shadowhunter honor system (I guess Valentine is supposed to be Lawful Evil), and we learn the answer to whether or not Jace agreed to join Valentine:

He didn’t.

Wow, that bit of “tension” lasted a whole chapter and a half. I suppose Jace could be lying, but that would tarnish the whole “bad-boy with a heart of gold” thing CC keeps trying to convince everyone Jace is.

Alec asks if Jace told the Inquisitor about Valentine’s plans, and Jace says this:

“I wouldn’t say she didn’t care. More like she didn’t really believe me. She’s got a plan she thinks will take care of Valentine. The only problem is, her plan sucks.”

Yeah, but at least she has a plan – you chuckleheads don’t even have that.

Alec then says that, before they do anything else, they need to get Jace free. The revelation that Alec is, in fact, still on Jace’s side, shocks Jace.

“_What?_” Disbelief made Jace feel slightly dizzy. “I thought you came down right on the side of go directly to jail, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars. ‘The Law is the Law, Isabelle.’ What was all that you were spouting?”

First, this:

Shoddy World Building: 1

I’m really sick of Shadowhunters being utterly baffled by any pop culture reference Clary or Simon makes one minute, then dropping their own the next. I don’t care that the predecessor to Monopoly has been around for over a century, or that the version everyone knows about has existed since the 1930s, there’s no reason for the Shadowhunters, who hold themselves so aloof and don’t mingle with mundane society, to know about it.

Second, I think Jace is dizzy because of blood loss, rather than disbelief.

Alec explains the freaking obvious – he only said that so that the Inquisitor would think he’s on her side, and thus wouldn’t keep an eye on him like she’s doing with the other Lightwood kids. Because of course she’ll buy that Jace’s super-best closer-than-brothers friend will forget any loyalty he might have to Jace at the drop of a hat. Sure, that makes sense.

He also goes on about how the Inquisitor is completely out of line, never mind that Jace has yet to actually demonstrate he feels absolutely no loyalty to his genocidal father, and has in fact done the exact opposite. Or that if Jace were the one letting things get personal, everyone would be on his side. Nope, the Inquisitor is wrong, because how dare she be mean to Jace.

Oh, and Jace’s response to learning that the Inquisitor feels a personal hatred for him?

“I bait her,” said Jace. “I can’t help it. Vicious bureaucrats get under my skin.”

Oh, fuck you, you little shit. You’ve done nothing but try to piss her off from the minute she showed up, and it has nothing to do with her being a “vicious bureaucrat” – it’s because she’s the only authority figure who judges you based on your behavior, rather than just assuming you’re as pure as the driven snow.

Alec says he thinks there’s more to it than that, but before this conversation can get any more infuriating, the bell rings… for some reason. Jace has a brief flashback to Hodge’s pet raven, again for no apparent reason. Then he has a sudden revelation, and figures that the Inquisitor’s son might have something to do with her feelings towards Jace.

I’m trying to remember if that was actually covered in a previous chapter, but I can’t quite find any references to it.

Anyway, Alec says he’ll ask his parents about it, but Jace tells him to ask Luke. I’m not sure why – he has no more reason to be honest with Alec than Alec’s parents do. Or does Jace not want the Inquisitor to know about this?

Whatever. Alec balks at the idea of having to go all the way to Brooklyn (there’s mention of leaving the Institute being difficult, but I think he just doesn’t want to go all that way), and Jace points out the obvious – Isabelle has a cell phone, as does Clary. Alec asks if Jace wants him to relay a message to Clary, but Jace gets all moody and says no. End scene.

And now we’re back with Clary. No time has passed since the end of the last scene with her.

She turns to Luke and tells him about what’s going on with Simon. Luke says he should try to run. Simon reminds him that vampire + sunlight = crispy critter. Clary relays this, but, Luke’s already put that together. Luke says Simon should lock himself in his room, which Simon does. And then he starts barricading the door with his furniture, including his bed.

Honestly, so far Clary has been entirely superfluous in this scene. She’s like Sigourney Weaver’s character from the show in Galaxy Quest – she’s just parroting what other people say, which only serves to fill up space. Thus making her contributions

Entirely Pointless: 3

One for every time anything Clary said (or would have said) served no purpose whatsoever.

Clary asks how Simon managed to move his bed, and he reminds her that, derp, he’s a vampire.

Luke starts acting like Liam Neeson in Taken, and asks if Simon is hearing anything. Clary relays the question to Simon, because she literally has no other purpose in this scene.

Entirely Pointless: 4

Simon says he heard the door crash, then his pet (dog? Cat? No idea) ran into his room, then nothing. Clary thinks this might be a good sign, that maybe whoever it was has left, but Luke says he should stay on the phone.

Clary asks what Simon’s doing now, though if it’s to keep him calm, I’m not seeing much point – if anyone’s panicking here, it’s Clary. Simon’s got all his furniture against the door, and is now trying to get his pet out from “behind the heating vent.”

I’m not sure how that works, because I imagine vents being flush with or inside a wall.

The call disconnects, and we have a brief moment of tension as Clary redials. Simon picks up, and apparently the pet is a cat, as it scratched him.

But that turns out to be a fake-out, as something bursts through Simon’s barricade. Clary freaks out again, and someone picks up the phone. It’s Valentine.

Quelle surprise.

Clary addresses Valentine by name, and he’s bothered by this, because children should call their parents “mother” and “father”. Well, buddy, in my book you have to do a bit more than contribute DNA to be called either of those.

Clary tells him that, “What [she] actually [wants] to call [him] is a hell of a lot more unprintable.” Hey! Stop poking the fourth wall!

Clary asks where Simon is. Valentine makes a nasty comment about her hanging out with a vampire, then something about him “[having] a say in [her] choice of friends.” So, clearly Valentine is delusional as well as megalomaniacal, if he believes Clary will want to have anything to do with him. This might work if he had some big plans about them all being one big happy family, but so far that seems to be a side-project of his.

Clary again asks what Valentine’s done with Simon, and he says this:

“Nothing, said Valentine, amused. “Yet.”

Then hangs up.

Once again.

Seriously, dude, you’re exactly the kind of character Ozymandias was mocking at the end of Watchmen.

And that ends that scene. The next one is the last of the chapter, thank the Elder Gods.

We’re back with Jace again, because CC hates me. He’s laying on the floor in his cell, “envisioning lines of dancing girls” to keep his mind off how much his wrists hurt when Alec comes in.

First, I don’t care how much pain Jace is in. Second, that whole bit about “lines of dancing girls” is so very juvenile. Tee hee, he’s thinking about sex. Isn’t that just like a boy?

Hate to burst your bubble, CC, but I think most straight cis-males are capable of thinking about something other than sex. As are girls. Not that you seem to be aware of that fact.

Anyway, Alec asks Jace what he’s doing, and we get this wonderful look into his thought process:

Jace tried to remind himself that when Alec asked this sort of question, he really meant it, and that it was something he had once found endearing rather than annoying. He failed.

Our “Heroes”: 2

Yes, how dare Alec ask a question. Why can’t he just know why Jace is doing anything? It’s like he expects Jace to explain things.

Jace makes a snarky comment about it that I won’t bother quoting here, because it’s stupid. Just trust me on this one.

Rapier Twit: 4

Alec is momentarily taken in by Jace’s comment, but then figures that he’s being sarcastic. Alec assumes that’s a good sign. Well, it is Jace’s default setting, so I guess that’s true.

Alec performs a little experiment and manages to roll something through the force field to Jace:

“An apple.” [Jace] picked it up with some difficulty. “How appropriate.”

I… what? Huh? Am I missing something? If there’s some symbolism here, it’s way too subtle for me. Which is odd, as CC’s symbolism is usually the opposite.

Jace starts eating the apple and asks if Alec got in touch with Clary. Alec says he hasn’t, as Isabelle wouldn’t let him into her room, and instead just screamed and threw stuff at the door, and threatened to jump out the window if he came in. Jace and Alec shrug this off, because, eh, girls? Am I right?

Anyway, Alec has another idea, and tosses Jace a coin or something with an unlocking spell on it. It works, and Jace demonstrates is gratitude in his usual manner:

“It’s not a file hidden in a birthday cake, but it’ll keep my hands from falling off.”

Shoddy World Building: 2

Would you stop doing that?! It’s really annoying.

Alec randomly mentions him trying to convince Isabelle that jumping out her window would probably get her killed, and then ties it back into the present situation by pointing out how many times Jace jumps absurdly long distances and survives falling several stories without a scratch.

Oh, great, so all that crap was supposed to be foreshadowing. Wonderful. And once again, a main character is given special powers that can conveniently resolve his problem. Because we wouldn’t want him to actually have to use the skills and abilities he already has, oh no. That would mean he’d have to put forth some effort, and Jace should never have to struggle to overcome an obstacle.

Jace is snarky, of course

Rapier Twit: 5

twice,

Rapier Twit: 6

and Alec has to spell out the fact that the walls of this make-shift prison don’t reach the ceiling.

Jace considers it, but doubts that he can jump thirty feet straight up. And I have to wonder why the hell this “training room” has a ceiling that high. What possible reason could there be for this? Other than for this exact scene, that is.

Un-Logic: 7

Jace decides to test out the prison walls by tossing the remains of his apple at one. It bursts in what I’m sure is a very impressive display of what I wish will happen to Jace, but know in my heart is not to be.

Suddenly Alec is no longer so confident in his plan. Jace tells him to shut up, and we’re told that for some reason he still has a bunch of magic tattoos on him. Why the Inquisitor didn’t get rid of those before locking him up, I have no idea. Jace tries to think of himself as being light and like an arrow, so CC can include this incredibly awkward call-back:

“I am Valentine’s arrow,” Jace whispered. “Whether he knows it or not.”

What the fuck does that even mean?!?! I’m absolutely certain that CC only included that line because she thought it would sound cool in a trailer. Unfortunately, like many lines like that, it sounds really weird and awkward when placed in context.

Anyway, Jace jumps, and the chapter ends.

I’m sure CC intended for this chapter to be really tense, what with the constant flipping back and forth between Clary and Jace, but just like in chapter five, it doesn’t work all that well. Yes, the short scenes that end on cliff-hangers make it marginally more tense than other chapters, but that’s not enough. Jace spends almost the entire chapter in a single room, and Clary is only ever on the phone. All the really interesting stuff that actually advances the plot somewhat is happening elsewhere, and are relayed to the POV characters (and thus the reader) second-hand.

Let’s examine the two lines separately:

The one with Clary about Simon’s abduction does kind of work. As I mentioned, it reminds me of the movie Taken. Except in Taken, we get to see both the abduction of Liam Neeson’s character’s daughter and Neeson’s reaction to this. It works. Here, we only get one side, and it’s not the one where anything is actually happening.

The Jace scenes, on the other hand, are terrible. Remember – he’s sitting in a room. He’s not actually doing anything. He doesn’t even participate in figuring out how to escape – Alec does all the work. Once again, Jace is not required to put forth any effort to solve his problems.

You know what might have been interesting? Seeing what Alec was doing. Seeing his confrontation with Isabelle, and how this leads to him connecting the dots. But no, instead we get told all of that second hand. Because why would you want to follow someone trying to solve this problem, when we can watch Jace be moody instead?

Also, what the heck does this chapter title have to do with anything? The only reference that comes to mind is a quote from King Lear:

How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is
To have a thankless child!

But, like just about every other quote used in these books, it has no connection to the chapter! What, is it referring to the one, short interaction between Clary and Valentine? That wasn’t exactly a big pivotal moment. It’s not as if they had this great, strong relationship before hand – she’s pretty much rejected him from the moment they first met!

So that’s it from me for 2015. I’m taking the rest of the year (the week or so that remains) to rest and relax. I’ll try to get another chapter done before classes start up in January. So have a happy [insert winter holiday of your choice here], and I’ll see you all in 2016.

Counts

Entirely Pointless: 4 (Total: 33)
Un-Logic: 7 (Total: 44)
You Keep Using That Word: 90 (Total: 64)
Shoddy World Building: 2 (Total: 32)
Rapier Twit: 6 (Total: 58)
Our “Heroes”: 2 (Total: 129)
No Shit Sherlock: 2 (Total: 8)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 1 (Total: 89)
A Word from Our Sponsors: 0 (Total: 7)

Comment [25]

Hello, folks. I hope you all had a wonderful winter holiday season. Me, I got a few nice toys (including a Kindle FireHD tablet that I just love), spent some time with relatives that I don’t get to see that often, and learned that I’m going to have a niece in a few months. I also managed to get a bit of personal writing done as well. So, fun times all around.

So of course that means I must, perforce, subject myself to yet more of this crap.

We start with Clary redialing Simon’s phone, only for it to go straight to voice mail. This upsets Clary quite a bit. Luke informs us that they’re almost at Simon’s house, only to pull up to it by the time the sentence ends. Which throws my whole mental geography of this series out the window, but then CC was never all that good with conveying that kind of information anyway. Clary bursts out of the truck and runs to the door, yelling for Simon. Luke tries to get her to calm down, pointing out that the neighbors might notice, but Clary doesn’t care. Which raises this question: is it because she cares that much about Simon, or so little about the lives of everyone else? You make the call!

Clary opens the door (she has a key – because what parent wouldn’t give keys to their house to their child’s friends?) and very carefully starts looking around once she’s inside. Which is kinda pointless, considering how you were yelling and screaming not ten seconds ago – you’ve lost the element of surprise, Clary.

Everything looks completely normal. Clary spends a few minutes staring at the kitchen, remembering when they made out there. Despite the fact that there is nothing in the kitchen that might draw her attention. Also, we’re told that their make out session happened, “a few days ago,” once again screwing up my mental timeline. Because CC isn’t happy messing up just three dimensions, apparently.

(And yes, I know that “a few” could mean three or more, but I figure it’s been at least a week, and I figure that if the amount of time is more than five days, you can’t call it “a few days” anymore.)

Finally, Clary’s brain kicks back in and she moves towards Simon’s room. The door is ajar (there’s a koan for all you Dresden Files fans), and Clary whips out her not-wand drawing stick. And object which even the narration points out is not an actual weapon. But I guess that’s for the best – she’d be just as much a danger to herself as anyone else.

Simon’s room is dark, as he’s tried to sun-proof it. Luke reaches for the light switch, but something hisses, and Clary valiantly shoves Luke aside. And what is terrible beast?

The cat. That was a literal, literary cat scare.

Wow, CC. That is a whole new level of sad.

Anyway, the cat runs off and Luke turns on the lights, revealing the room is completely in order. Which leads to this exchange:

“Is it a glamour?”
“Probably not. Probably just magic.”

I… what? How does that response make any sense? No, don’t tell me “glamour isn’t magic” because “Shadowhunters don’t use magic” because that’s complete horse shit. Being able to make yourself invisible (or close enough for all practical purposes), or do spells by drawing on yourself or an object is fucking magic.

But I think what Luke is trying to say is that Simon’s room has been magically cleaned up, rather than having an illusion put on it to make it seem that way.

Luke goes to open up the curtains, leading Clary to spot Simon’s cell phone on the floor as Luke almost steps on it. The description of the phone also immediately dates this book, as it has an antenna. I haven’t had a cell phone with an antenna since my first one, and that was over ten years ago.

And since Valentine is a complete cliché, he left them a note on Simon’s phone: “Now I have them all.”

Let’s pause here, because I have to go on a bit of a tangent.

First, why didn’t Valentine just write that damn message on a piece of paper or something? Or better yet, write it on the wall (preferably in Simon’s blood), and hide it behind a glamour. That would actually be creepy, especially after the non-scare that just happened. Yes, it would still be cliché as hell, but at least it would be the good kind of cliché.

Second, I’m now picturing Valentine typing that out on the twelve-button number pad of those old phones, and it taking forever, and that image is hilarious. I know some people got really good at typing text messages out really fast, but come on, do you honestly think Valentine would be that aware of mundane tech? Hell, I’m amazed he even knows what a cell phone is.

Anyway, back to the book. Clary, being Clary, is utterly baffled by Valentine’s note, so it’s up to Luke to explain that, since Valentine has Simon and presumably Maia, he can complete his little weapon alignment spell. And I just have to quote this bit:

Clary stared at him. “You mean this isn’t just about getting at me – and you?”

Oh, oh wow. That is just too damn hilarious. Because in my head, she’s just so shocked that Valentine abducting Simon (let alone doing anything) isn’t connected back to her. Also, the implication that Valentine trying to hurt Luke is hastily tacked on, like Clary just realized that Valentine might have a grudge against Luke.

Luke goes on to remind Clary (and the audience) that Valentine needs the blood of children from all four Downworlder races. And Clary “brilliantly” points this out:

“But Maia and Simon aren’t children. They’re teenagers.”

Oh my god, it’s like CC is trying to make up for all the rage-inducing moments she’s made so far.

So Luke has to explain that, when the spell was created (why the hell was this spell created in the first place?) the word “teenager,” let alone the concept, didn’t exist.

And unfortunately for us, the funny train stops here, as Luke explains that, in Shadowhunter society, you’re considered an adult at eighteen. And apparently that has always been the rule.

This is stupid, and really shows that CC knows nothing of any culture outside of modern Western Europe/America. Because eighteen being the age of majority (aka adulthood) is not now and never has been a universal belief. Hell, it’s not even universal in the USA – it’s 19 in Alabama and Nebraska, and 21 in Mississippi and Puerto Rico. Admittedly, 18 is the most common age of majority, but if we’re going back even a hundred years, that age drops. And assuming this spell was created during the middle ages, adulthood might begin as early as 15 or younger – you know, when you can do the work of an adult, whether that be physical labor or having children.

This little gaff is especially egregious, because CC was raised Jewish. Which means she probably had a little ceremony when she was 12 or 13 – it’s called a Bar/Bat Mitzvah, and it basically means that, under Jewish law, you are now effectively an adult. Now admittedly, I’m not Jewish, but this isn’t some new, random thing that only a few people do – it’s kind of a big deal.

So for that, I’m giving this book a few of these:

Shoddy World Building: 5

One for every person Valentine has or plans to kill for his ritual, since apparently Shadowhunters have always held modern beliefs on what age constitutes adulthood.

So Clary then asks this brilliant question:

“Then why didn’t we do something? Why didn’t we think of protecting them somehow?”

That is a good question, Clary. Why didn’t any of you chuckle-fucks do something? I mean, you’ve only known this was Valentine’s plan since chapter fucking twelve. You’ve only been in regular contact with the leaders of both the werewolves and the vampires – the two groups that Valentine needed children from – and could easily have said, “Hey, Valentine is up to no good, and is after any of your group under 18. You might want to keep them close by until we’ve stopped him.”

But no, that would require putting forth the slightest bit of effort and having the tiniest bit of foresight. And it would have distracted from forcing Clary and Jace to make out, and Simon going to the vampires, and all the other teenage, high school drama bullshit that CC is far more interested in writing than the actual fucking plot of this book!

[deep breath]

… Okay. I’m okay. Quick count, and then we move on.

Un-Logic: 1

Because the ultimate answer to Clary’s question is, “because that would have ruined CC’s plot.”

Luke explains that Valentine hasn’t exactly been exerting himself to get Downworlder kids for his ritual, but does note that grabbing Simon is riskier, and wonders why his behavior has changed. Clary deduces (read: pulls out of her ass) that it must be to get back at Jace, and that Jace must have done something to make Valentine angry. This also demonstrates that Valentine knows absolutely nothing about his son, otherwise he’d know that Jace doesn’t give a shit about Simon.

Luke asks why Clary thinks that Valentine’s change of plans is because of Jace, and she gives this explanation:

“Because,” Clary said with grim certainty, “only Jace can piss someone off that much.”

…

… Yeah, that sounds about right.

The scene ends there, and the next one is at the Institute. Alec is pounding on Isabelle’s door, and she refuses to let him in. The door opens a crack and Max glares out Alec, and he explains that neither he nor Isabelle want to talk to him. Ah, such loyalty the Lightwood children display: Jace teams up with a knock-off Voldemort, and all is forgiven; but Alec sides with the lawful authorities against Jace, and he is persona non grata. Wonder where they learned that from…

Alec threatens to force his way in, but Max says he won’t, so Alec threatens to get their parents involved. Isabelle mercifully decides to end his mess and lets Alec in.

We get a description of Isabelle: she’s in full hunting gear next to her window. She glares at Alec, then does that whip-lasso thing she hasn’t done since chapter one of the last book to Alec’s leg. And I really have to wonder why Isabelle’s weapon of choice is a whip – they’re impossible to wield in tight quarters, difficult to control, and not nearly as effective as the friggin’ knives everyone else uses. Then again, CC seems to think that a whip is just a fancy rope, because all we’ve seen Isabelle do with it is lasso people. Alec isn’t even on the ground right now.

Anyway, Isabelle isn’t happy with Alec, and berates him for not siding with Jace in all things:

“How could you just turn on Jace like that? After all he’s been through? And you swore that oath to watch out for each other too—”
“Not,” he reminded her, “if it meant breaking the Law.”
“The _Law!_” Isabelle snapped in disgust. “There’s a higher law than the Clave, Alec. The law of family. Jace is your family.”

Yes, let’s just totally ignore the fact that, by betraying Jace, Alec might have protected his actual family. Right, better they all go down together than give up the guy who clearly doesn’t give a shit about them. But I guess this is why they’re so okay with Jace joining Valentine – they’re family. Even if they’re genocidal psychopaths, you side with your family.

Now in all seriousness, this could have been an interesting plot – both sides have (or seemed to have) good reasons for their actions. That kind of thing muddies the waters, because there’s no clear “right” or “wrong” side.

Except CC would completely ruin it, because the right side is clearly the one that supports Jace. And there’s the fact that we already know Alec supports Jace, so there’s no tension here at all.

Also, this:

You Keep Using That Word: 2

Please, for the love of all that is holy, stop doing that.

Alec points out that this “law of family” is complete bullshit, and Isabelle responds like a petulant child and trips him. Alec somehow manages to land on his front, despite the fact that he was facing Isabelle and she would have pulled his leg forward. Maybe he did some kind of cool mid-air flip/roll thing that doesn’t get described.

(But you can bet if it were Jace, every bit of it would be lovingly detailed.)

Isabelle contemplates tying Alec up and leaving him there, but Alec decides he’s had enough and whips out a knife he’s apparently had this whole time, cuts the whip, and gets ready to throw down with his sister.

Then this happens:

A low chuckle broke the tension. “All right, all right, you’ve tortured him enough. I’m here.”
Isabelle’s eyes flew wide. “Jace!”

Yep. Jace has been standing out in the hallway this entire time. He stood there, listening to them argue, and then fight, and it amused him.

Our “Heroes”: 1

Oh, and because he could have come in at any time and easily prevented this whole mess, that makes the entire scene up to now

Entirely Pointless: 1

Yes, that’s what will help maintain that tension – a pointless argument/fight between Alec and Isabelle. Forget that whole “Valentine could complete his ritual and summon a demon army at any moment” thing, we needed a quick fight scene between siblings.

Which, combined with the whole Clary/Jace thing, really makes me wonder about CC’s relationship with her siblings.

Isabelle and Max run over to hug Jace. Isabelle sees the marks from Jace’s bonds, and asks if he’s okay. Because Jace’s wrists being injured is a much larger concern than the possible concussion she just gave her brother. Of course.

Our “Heroes”: 2

Jace shrugs off Isabelle’s concern – because we wouldn’t want to weakness in front of the girl, no sir, never mind that they’re probably at least second-degree burns – and says that Alec helped him escape. Isabelle asks if it’s true, and Alec confirms it in a somewhat petty manner. I’ll let that slide, as he’s been mistreated for this entire scene.

Actually, I think I just realized why Alec got treated like this – he betrayed Jace, and this is his punishment. Even if he only faked it, it still counts. Because Jace is the moral center of this universe – whether a character or action is good and bad is determined entirely by their relation to Jace.

Oh, and here’s Isabelle’s response to Alec confirming that he helped Jace:

“Well, you should have _said._”

Yes, he should have. In fact, Jace should have come in with him, especially if there are Shadowhunters loyal to the Inquisitor hanging around. So just for that, I’m giving this scene another one of these:

Entirely Pointless: 2

CC, when even the characters are pointing out how stupid stuff is, that should be a sign that you need to fix it.

Alec and Isabelle start going at it, and it’s Jace of all people who acts like an adult. He stops the fight and asks Isabelle if she has any weapons and bandages. Isabelle suggests they just use a healing spell, but apparently magic healing doesn’t work on magic wounds. Kind of a flaw, if you ask me, but whatever.

Also, given the description we get of the burns (“blank and cracked in places, oozing blood and clear fluid”) I’m thinking you’re going to want more than just bandages for those. Like, maybe some kind of disinfectant.

Jace starts to say that he’s going to need weapons, but now Isabelle gets to be the intelligent one, and insists that they deal with his wounds first. Luckily, she apparently keeps a lot of first-aid materials on hand, and drags Jace into the bathroom. If this series had Isabelle being more involved with mundane society, it might even be a first-aid kit.

And then CC ruins the whole bit by having Isabelle tell Jace to take his shirt off, to which Jace responds with this:

“I knew there was something in this for you.”

Rapier Twit: 1

Really? Really? Why is this here? Jace didn’t mention any other injuries, so it’s not like Isabelle could be checking for them. And what injuries he does have don’t require removing his shirt to be treated.

The only reason this is here is so CC can lovingly detail what Jace looks like with his shirt off.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

And since this is apparently from Alec’s POV, we also get told how the scars from old runes totally aren’t imperfections, like some stupid mundane might think.

Our “Heroes”: 3
Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

And don’t forget, this bit is only here so CC can ogle her character through another character’s eyes, and does nothing to progress the plot at all.

Entirely Pointless: 3

Jace notices Alec staring at him, and asks him to get Isabelle’s phone. Isabelle tells Alec it’s on her dresser. Alec looks, and says that it isn’t. Then Isabelle realizes that she left it in the kitchen.

Can’t you just taste the tension?

Entirely Pointless: 4

Isabelle says she doesn’t want to go to the kitchen, because she might run into the Inquisitor. Because it would be awkward. Or something.

Our “Heroes”: 4

And I’m sorry to subject you guys to such a large dose of un-diluted CC, but you have to see this:

“I’ll get it,” Max offered. “She doesn’t care about me, I’m too young.”
“I suppose.” Isabelle sounded reluctant. “What do you need the phone for, Alec?”
“We just need it,” Alec said impatiently. “Izzy—”
“If you’re texting Magnus to say ‘I think u r kewl,’ I’m going to kill you.”
“Who’s Magnus?” Max inquired. “He’s a warlock,” said Alec.
“A sexy, sexy warlock,” Isabelle told Max, ignoring Alec’s look of total fury.
“But warlocks are bad,” protested Max, looking baffled.
“Exactly,” said Isabelle.
“I don’t understand,” said Max. “But I’m going to get the phone. I’ll be right back.”

This is how I’m feeling right now, guys:

Only I will not be receiving the blessing of sweet, sweet death via xenomorph bursting through my chest. Oh, no, I have to keep going with this.

Now let’s dissect this, shall we?

First, why does Max’s age somehow place him beneath the Inquisitor’s notice? We saw back in chapter 14 that someone being a “child” doesn’t somehow make them innocent in her eyes. So really, this is just CC whipping up a quick way to get Max out of the room.

Un-Logic: 1

Considering how much he contributed to this scene, I have to wonder why he was here in the first place.

Next, Isabelle’s comments about Alec’s relationship with Magnus. I mean, my god, she might as well be going “Alec likes Magnus, Alec likes Magnus!” It’s just so damn childish, and not even remotely funny.

Rapier Twit: 2

And finally, Max’s comment that “warlocks are bad.” That’s definitely not the kind of overly-simplistic thinking you’d want from people who are supposed to keep the peace. Now, why would he believe something like that? He’s too young to have gone out on actual missions, and from all appearances, the Lightwood kids have been homeschooled. So Max probably learned that “warlocks are bad” from his parents.

And Max was born long after Valentine’s failed coup.

Our “Heroes”: 5

Suddenly my claims about mama and papa Lightwood training the Circle 2.0 don’t seem so funny.

So Max leaves (and I am soo jealous of him), and Jace puts his shirt back on and starts going though Isabelle’s stuff, looking for a weapon.

Our “Heroes”: 6

And rather than stopping him, Isabelle asks what the plan is, and points out that the Inquisitor will not be happy that Jace escaped. Jace says that she’ll be even more upset when Valentine turns down her offer, and quickly explains the Inquisitor’s plan, which we’re mercifully spared.

Isabelle is really upset about this, because how dare the Inquisitor try to get back two of the most sacred relics of Shadowhunter society (and nicely stop Valentine’s plans in their tracks) by trading away Jace. Because remember – family is the most important thing in the world.

Our “Heroes”: 7

Look, I get that it’s a bad plan, but at least the Inquisitor is looking at the big picture – getting the Mortal Instruments back benefits everyone, even if she doesn’t know what Valentine intends to do with them. Keeping Jace out of Valentine’s hands benefits no one, because (as has been pointed out) Valentine really doesn’t care about Jace that much, and Jace’s absence will in no way affect Valentine’s plans. In the end, it all comes down to numbers – “the needs of the many” and all that.

But again, Jace is the center of this world’s morality. Sacrificing Jace is the greatest of all possible sins. The needs of the many are outweighed by the needs of Jace.

Blah, blah, Inquisitor bad, blah. Jace does acknowledge that the Inquisitor could be saved brought around after she sees how bad her plan is, but Jace isn’t going to try that, because he has to be the one to save the day or something.

Alec explains that escaping won’t be easy, as the Inquisitor has “called in half the Conclave.” Which just makes Jace standing around in the hallway while Alec and Isabelle had it out all the more baffling.

Un-Logic: 2

Jace arrogantly takes this as a compliment. Isabelle says the Inquisitor might be right to be so, and asks Alec if Jace really jumped thirty feet straight up. Alec says he did.

Yes, you heard it right – Jace’s special power, “the Angel’s own gift,” as the Seelie Queen put it, is that he can jump really, really high. And I have to say, I’m not that impressed. I mean, when I think “angelic power”, I expect something like being able to rain fire and brimstone down on your enemies, or turn people into pillars of salt – you know, some real Old Testament shit.

But no, instead Jace can jump really high. And combined with his uncanny speed, he’s now a crappy, racist, 2/3 Superman knockoff.

God, Valentine sucks as a villain.

Anyway, this happens:

“I’ve never seen anything like this.” Jace lifted a ten-inch dagger from the floor. One of Isabelle’s pink brassieres was speared on the wickedly sharp tip. Isabelle snatched it off, scowling.

Rapier Twit: 3

Really, CC? Did you seriously write that? What is wrong with you?

Also, who uses the word “brassier” in this day and age?

You Keep Using That Word: 3

Isabelle asks how Jace did it, and he says he just did, and mentions Clary having special (and arguably more useful) powers, but that line of conversation gets dropped so Alec can ask about the vampire motorcycle Jace stole in the last book. I’m going to assume someone reminded CC that it existed, and this is her covering up that plot-hole. So, good work, I guess.

Jace shoots down that idea, as it’s still day, so it won’t work. Isabelle chimes in and points out that it won’t fit all three of them. Jace says that he’s going alone, and Isabelle starts to argue, but then Max comes back, phone in hand. Because I guess we can’t have Isabelle arguing with Jace – after all, she might win.

Isabelle figures out that they intend to call Clary. Alec offers to do it, but Isabelle says that Clary likes her better. She makes the call, and our plotlines converge. Yay.

Jace gets concerned because he thinks Clary might be in danger (because if she dies, he can’t get in her pants). Isabelle explains that Valentine’s kidnapped Simon and Maia (though she doesn’t ask who Maia is, despite having never met her), and intends to use them to complete his ritual. So Jace grabs the phone from Isabelle, and tells Clary to drive to the Institute and wait for him outside. Then he hangs up and tells Alec to call Magnus and tell him to meet them at the waterfront in Brooklyn, so they can attack Valentine’s floating fortress boat (I refuse to call it a “ship.”)

Our “Heroes”: 8

Jace is allowed to be a rude asshole and bark orders at everyone. It’s part of his “charm”.

Isabelle asks who all is going, and Jace says it’s going to be him, Luke, and Magnus. Meanwhile, Alec and Isabelle get to hang back and try to bring the Inquisitor over to their side once her plan fails.

Alec asks how Jace is going to get out in the first place, and Jace smugly jumps out the window. Alec and Isabelle both freak out, even though they both know he’s practically invincible and can jump really high.

Un-Logic: 4

One for each of them.

And that brings that scene to a merciful close.

The next scene is with Simon, so maybe it won’t totally suck.

Simon wakes up and hears water sloshing around, smells and tastes metal, and his hand hurts. He opens his eyes to find himself in a metal room, and his hand in the sunlight coming through a small window. It is describe as being “red and blistered.”

Somehow I get the feeling that CC has never so much as touched a hot pan, because there’s no way in hell you’d be able to sleep through pain like that.

Un-Logic: 5

Simon does not freak out and scramble away swearing, though – instead, he just groans and rolls over. Apparently having your hand severely burnt is about as annoying as your alarm clock going off.

Un-Logic: 6

It’s only after he sits up that Simon notices that Maia is chained up on the other side of the room. I’ll give it a pass though, because burning pain. Maia starts crying with joy, because she thought Simon was dead. Simon jokes that he is dead. Wow, not even being kidnapped, locked up, and suffering a second-degree burn is enough to make him stop joking. Maybe Simon’s like Mark Watney.

Simon watches as his hand heals in seconds. Well, I guess sunlight isn’t that much of a problem for this world’s vampires. I mean, you’d think it would at least do some serious damage.

Maia is still teary, so Simon tries to comfort her, only to find he’s chained up as well. Still, he does reiterate that he’s alright.

Then they get to discussing their abductions, and that Valentine is behind them. Maia asks if he’s the same Valentine behind the Uprising, and we get this wonderful exchange:

“He’s Jace and Clary’s father,” Simon said. “That’s what I know about him.”
“I thought his voice sounded familiar. He sounds just like Jace.” She looked momentarily rueful. “No wonder Jace is such an ass.”
Simon could only agree.

Now if only more characters would notice that.

Maia asks for details about Simon’s abduction, and whether he saw any ghosts or something, like she did with her dead brother. Simon says he didn’t see anything, just being on the phone with Clary when something burst through his door. Maia gets excited about that, thinking that maybe Clary & co will find them.

The only way those idiots could find anything is through authorial intervention. Clary couldn’t figure out that Valentine was her father, even when the evidence was practically slapping her in the face.

Simon does not point this out, instead asking for details about their location. Maia explains that they’re on a boat (I’ll let you guys make the obvious joke), and that there are demons everywhere. And here’s Simon’s reaction to this bit of information:

“But Valentine’s a Shadowhunter. And from what I’ve heard, he hates demons.”

Gee, it’s almost like his plan makes absolutely no damn sense.

Un-Logic: 7

Seriously, CC, your own characters are pointing out the plot holes. This should be a sign. A big, flashing, neon one.

Maia shrugs that off, instead wondering why Valentine would go through all this trouble just to kill two Downworlders, and starts shivering for some reason.

Simon elects not to tell Maia about Valentine’s plans, and instead takes off his jacket and gives it to Maia. And when Maia asks if he’s cold, Simon says he isn’t bothered by cold anymore.

Meh, I’ll still give him points for it. Seriously, Clary, why do you insist on pining after Jace? Simon is such a great guy.

Anyway, Maia apologizes for her previous behavior, and we learn why she doesn’t like vampires – back when she was still new to being a werewolf, she and some of her friends bumped into a couple vampires one night, they started fighting, and one of the vampires literally ripped one of her friends in half.

Yeah, I think that’s a perfectly legitimate reason to fear vampires. Kinda makes me wonder why she didn’t mention any of this before, though.

Oh, wait, it’s because then Clary berating Maia for her behavior would have made Clary look bad. Either that, or CC just came up with that little anecdote right when she wrote it.

Un-Logic: 8

Simon assures Maia that he would never do anything like that, and we get this wonderful bit of dialogue:

“It’s just that when I met you, you seemed so human. You reminded me of what I used to be like, before.”
“Maia,” Simon said. “You’re still human.”
“No, I’m not.”
“In the ways that count, you are. Just like me.”

Okay, I am shipping these two so hard right now. I mean, they’ve only had four scenes together, total, and the chemistry between them is so much greater than anything between Clary and Jace.

Now if only I didn’t know that CC totally ruins it (and probably Simon) later on. Because no OTP is allowed to supplant Clary/Jace.

Maia smiles, and Simon thinks she doesn’t believe him, and that he doesn’t quite believe his words either, and the scene ends.

The next scene has us back with Clary. Well, at least it’s a short one.

She’s in Luke’s truck, waiting for Jace to show up, and is being impatient. I’d complain about that, but they are waiting on Jace, who refused to provide even the slightest details of his “plan” of escape. Probably because he wants everyone to be impressed with him.

After asking again how long it’s been, Clary notices that Luke is looking pretty rough – he hasn’t shaved, and he has bags under his eyes. It’s only now that Clary realizes why her mother tried to lead a normal life.

Luke (at least I think it’s Luke – there’s no tag, and CC’s writing kind of muddles it) asks if Clary wants to go inside, but Clary says that Jace told them to wait outside. Because heaven forbid we go against what Jace wants.

They both stare at the Institute, then Luke notices something and points it out to Clary. It’s Jace, running, ducking, and jumping around on the roof, probably singing the theme song to Mission Impossible, because why the fuck not. And we know it’s Jace, because we get a loving description of the color of his hair.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

Now Clary decides to get out of the car and run up to the Institute, because that won’t draw any attention at all, no sir. Jace drops off the roof of the building, and Clary freaks out despite there being absolutely no tension at all, and Jace lands, completely unharmed.

And all I can think of is this bit from Underworld:

Only Kate Beckinsale (let alone Selene) is way more of a badass than Jace could ever hope to be.

(And I’m absolutely certain that that scene is what CC had in mind when she wrote that – this book came out in 2008, five years after Underworld,)

And just to rub salt in the wound, here’s what Jace says after making that entrance:

“If I made a joke about just dropping in,” he said, “would you write me off as cliché?”

Rapier Twit: 3

Oh, it’s far too late for that, Jace. You’re nothing but clichés and tropes, with absolutely no real depth at all.

Clary asks (very slowly) how Jace did that, but before he can answer, two guards come out the front door and start running towards them.

Ah, right, the guards. Now they make an appearance. I guess they’re like Schrödinger’s cat or something – they only exist when convenient for CC’s purposes.

Clary and Jace run for the truck, and jump inside. For some reason, Clary is either incapable of closing the door, or Jace is just that much of an ass, because he reaches over her to do it. We learn that one of the guards is Malik, aka the only other non-major Shadowhunter to get a name. Maybe he’ll be like the Wedge Antillies of this series.

Luke starts driving away, and Malik pulls out a “flinging knife” to try and take out one of the tires.

You Keep Using That Word: 4

Yeah, that’s not a thing, CC. Throwing knives are a thing, so I’ll assume that’s what you meant. This is one of those cases where you really should put down the thesaurus.

Also, a perfect example of why the Shadowhunters should use guns – this wouldn’t even be an issue if Malik had a gun.

Anyway, for some reason, the other guard jumps on Malik, stopping him, and allowing Luke, Clary, and Jace to get away, ending the scene.

The next scene is the last one in the chapter, and one with Simon. So at least I won’t leave with a bad taste in my mouth.

Apparently it’s been a few hours (way to go with that rescue, guys!), because Maia’s fallen asleep and Simon’s trying to figure out the time from the position of the light on the floor. Also, he’s getting really thirsty, which could be a problem.

Just to drive the point home, Maia wakes up, and just the blood pumping into her cheeks gets Simon going. Maia asks how long she’s been out, and Simon estimates three or four hours. Maia says that, while she’s sorry Simon got kidnapped, she’s also glad that he’s with her. I guess that’s sweet?

Then they start reaching towards each other for some inexplicable reason, and then Valentine comes in to ruin what I guess was supposed to be a moment. They both pull back, and Maia gets all scared, because as the only female in the scene, it’s her job to quiver in fear of the villain. The fact that his second sentence is this doesn’t make her look any better:

“The children of Moon and Night, getting along at last.”

You Keep Using That Word: 6

It doesn’t matter how many times you try, CC, your whole “children of” naming scheme will always sound stupid.

Maia whispers Valentine’s name (why?), and Simon just stares at him. We’re told that he looks nothing like either Clary or Jace, but I kinda have my doubts, given that we’re then told how they both look kinda like him. I’ll save some time and just assume he looks like Jason Isaacs playing Lucious Malfoy. But I’ll let CC have her foreshadowing. At least it’s kinda subtle this time.

We’re told that Valentine has “enough weaponry to outfit a platoon,” but given that only a sword and a bunch of knives are mentioned, I’m assuming that either each soldier would only get one weapon, or CC doesn’t know how many solders are in a platoon (Wikipedia says usually between 15 and 30, with modern US platoons being a little more than 40 strong).

Anyway, Valentine tells Simon to get up, and after looking at Maia, Simon decides to take a page from Jace’s book (though in this case, I approve):

“So you’re Clary’s father,” he said. “No offense, but I can kind of see why she hates you.”
Valentine’s face was impassive, almost motionless. His lips barely moved as he said, “And why is that?”
“Because,” Simon said, “you’re obviously psychotic.”

On the one hand, I like Simon calling Val out to his face. On the other, I can’t help but imagine that Valentine’s lack of an apparent response is more from exasperation than any kind of control. I mean, he’s always struck me as being in the mode of a Skeletor or Cobra Commander.

And just to prove who twisted he is, Valentine blows a fist full of silver powder on Maia, causing her a lot of pain.

Well, at least that’s an actual display of villainy.

Simon starts berating Valentine, but chokes when he tries to say “God”. Valentine pulls out the MacGuffin Sword, and for some reason Simon can’t look at it without hurting his eyes.

Valentine explains (or rather, implies) that all that is because Simon’s a vampire. Which is actually kind of interesting, and raises the question as to how Jace and other Shadowhunters can be atheist/agnostic – it’s one thing to doubt when you have no proof, but this seems to be pretty clear evidence.

Valentine talks a bit about the sword, and how supposedly goes straight to Heaven (which makes no damn sense, but whatever). He prepares to kill Simon, and asks if he has any last words.

Simon tries to say a Jewish prayer (nice that that’s not being ignored), but can’t, as per the whole vampire thing. But instead he says “Clary,” which is just as good in this universe.

This pisses Valentine off, and he sort-of cuts Simon’s throat. If I didn’t know that Simon lives through this, I might actually be worried.

And thus ends the chapter.

So, first the positives. The plot is finally revving up for the big climax. Everyone’s more or less dropped the high school drama crap. And the few scenes between Simon and Maia were actually pretty good.

Bad stuff. We’re nearing the three-quarter mark (at least in my Kindle version) and far too much time has been wasted getting here. Jace is still being a complete asshole for literally no reason. And he’s been given a super power that, while I’m sure is supposed to be all impressive, kind of isn’t.

Also, what the hell does “a stone of the heart” have to do with anything that happens in this chapter? Was CC just putting down words/phrases she thought sounded pretty? Seriously, why didn’t she just go with numbers?

As for me, I’ll be starting back in on classes, which involves an internship that will keep me busy two days out of the week, so I don’t know when I’ll get back to this. I’ll try to get the next chapter done before too long, and I hope to finish this book before the semester is out.

See you next time, folks.

Counts

Entirely Pointless: 4 (Total: 37)
Un-Logic: 8 (Total: 52)
You Keep Using That Word: 6 (Total: 70)
Shoddy World Building: 5 (Total: 37)
Rapier Twit: 3 (Total: 61)
Our “Heroes”: 8 (Total: 137)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 (Total: 8)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 3 (Total: 92)
A Word from Our Sponsors: 0 (Total: 7)

Comment [28]

Hey guys. Sorry it’s been so long since my last posting. A lot of stuff – one of my last classes for grad school, my internship, weekly orchestra rehearsals, and some personal things – that I’ve just felt a bit drained. But I said I would try to get this thing done by the end of the semester, and I’m going to aim for that.

But before we get started, a quick bit of news: Sherilyn Kenyon, author of the Dark-Hunter urban fantasy books, has brought suit against CC for plagiarism. Now, I haven’t read any of Ms. Kenyon’s books (though I’m a bit tempted to, now), so I can’t speak to the veracity of her claim, but given the similarities (both major and minor) between characters in both series, the fact that Kenyon’s books had been published for almost a decade before City of Bones, that CC does have a history of plagiarizing other authors, I don’t think this is just a case of sour grapes on Kenyon’s part. At the very least, CC looks to have basically written fanfiction, changed all the proper nouns, and published it. Which is – at least in my opinion – a morally gray area.

Oh, but CC claims the inspiration for her books came from going to a tattoo parlor with a friend, and seeing the footprints of previous customers on the ceiling (hey, whatever works for you), and thinking it looked like a big magical fight had gone down. Let’s just ignore the fact that no scene like that has occurred in the series as far as I’ve seen, despite it being the “inspiration”. You’d think that, if an author’s inspiration for a book/series came from imagining a particular scene, they’d be sure to include that. But what do I know?

And now, a quick recap before we get to this chapter. Last time, Clary and Luke went over to Simon’s place, only to find that Valentine had already left. But, being the clichéd villain that he is, Valentine left a handy note that more or less explained why he’d kidnapped Simon. Clary was amazed to discover that Valentine’s reasons for doing so were at best only partially to get back at Clary, rather than entirely about her.

Meanwhile, Jace escaped his captivity via authorial fiat, namely by suddenly developing the (not at all totally lame) ability to jump really, really high. He then went on to prove what a huge douche canoe he is by allowing Isabelle to beat up on Alec for no other reason than it amused him. Jace then devised the ‘brilliant’ plan of escaping the Institute by jumping around the roof and then making a break to a waiting car (provided by Clary and Luke). Much to my dismay, this plan went off without a hitch. Because we wouldn’t want to inconvenience the heroes – that might lead to them having to actually struggle to succeed.

Chapter 17 begins with Clary asking Jace how he did what he just did. Jace somehow concludes that she wants to know how he got on the roof, rather than the obvious question, and explains. Basically, he climbed up the outside wall. I guess I should be glad CC apparently wasn’t aware of Assassin’s Creed, or we would have been subjected to an entire account of that. Jace also mentions that ‘his’ motorcycle is gone, and speculates that the Inquisitor must have taken it for a ride.

Jace, you stole that motorcycle. I wouldn’t be surprised if Raphael and the vampires let you keep it because A) they can’t get to it, and/or B) they know Maryse won’t give a shit. It would not surprise me at all if the Inquisitor had simply returned the bike to it’s rightful owners, i.e. the vampires, as a means of apologizing for all the crap you’ve pulled with them.

Also, we get a totally unnecessary description of Jace’s injuries.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Then Clary explains what she actually meant, which just further shows how what Jace just said was nothing but filler.

Entirely Pointless: 1

Jace answers that he just kind of did it, which isn’t really an answer, but does allow CC to give her Designated Protagonists vaguely defined superpowers that she can then use to fix any problems that arise.

Clary figures out that the Seelie Queen was right, and that Valentine did some sinister experiments on them.

No Shit Sherlock: 1

Uh, no duh? She wasn’t exactly circumspect about it – all she did was describe it in flowery language.

Anyway, Luke asks Jace where they’re going. Jace explains about the boat, and says that he intends to stop Valentine. Luke doesn’t like this plan, so Jace amends it to include him as well. Luke still disagrees, and he and Jace get into an argument about what they should do: Jace wants to stop Valentine now, but Luke wants to let the proper authorities handle it. Jace doesn’t like that, because he’s somehow determined that the Inquisitor is too set on her stupid plan to bother with another (gee, that certainly feels familiar), and she’s somehow blocking the Lightwoods from contacting Shadowhunter-land.

And now something has occurred to me: if Jace wants to prove he’s still loyal, why didn’t he offer to help the Inquisitor? Why didn’t he just offer to lead her and her men to the boat, and let them do their job? That way, they get Valentine and the MacGuffins. And we don’t have to bother with the convoluted prisoner-exchange gambit the Inquisitor proposed.

But then, that plan involves Jace sitting on the sidelines while other people get to be the heroes, and we can’t have that.

Clary asks what the Inquisitor’s plan is, and Jace explains. He also says that the Lightwood kids will tell the Inquisitor about Simon and Maia (because I guess that’s all they’re good for, despite all their training), but concludes that the Inqluisitor “[is] not going to upset her precious plan just to save a couple of Downworlders.”

Uh, no, Jace, that would be you who doesn’t give a shit about Downworlders. Remember chapter 2? Because I sure do!

Our “Heroes”: 1

Look, just because you’re a racist asshole doesn’t mean everyone else is.

Clary says they can’t wait, and they have to get to the boat now, because… reasons.

Un-Logic: 1

I guess it could be because Valentine could drain Simon and Maia at any time, but he could have already done that. There’s no reason to believe they’re alive now, and if Valentine hadn’t been hijacked by the plot, he would have drained the pair of them immediately, just like the other two.

Luke puts the kibosh on that, pointing out that they kinda need a boat of their own to reach Valentine, and that *“[he’s] not sure even Jace can walk on water.”

Rapier Twit: 1

Nice show of humility there, CC. Oh, sorry, did I say ‘humility’? I meant blasphemy.

Clary gets a text from Isabelle, and Jace explains that it’s the address where they’re to meet Magnus, because they need someone to help them get past the wards that are apparently on Valentine’s boat. I don’t recall hearing anything about them last time, but I’ll let that slide.

Luke proposes he face Valentine while Clary and Jace stay back with Magnus, but Jace insists that he has to go. When asked why, he explains about Valentine’s pet digimon demon, and what it does. Luke takes us further down this rabbit hole by telling us just how nasty it is, and wonders how Valentine has managed to maintain his control of it. Jace recounts the story of how Valentine summoned it in the first place (again, I don’t remember him explaining that, but if it keeps things moving…), and concludes it with this:

“The Mortal Cup,” he finished, “lets him control Agramon. Apparently it gives you some power over demons. Not like the Sword does, though.”

I… just… why? Why would it do that? What sense does that make? Why would both of these items, which were given to people whose whole job is to fight against demons, be able to control them? I mean, I could understand the Shadowhunters locking them away because of that. And that would be fine and dandy.

But instead, CC decided that these things also have to be important to the Shadowhunters for entirely unrelated reasons, leading to the MacGuffins getting tacked-on demon controlling powers that have nothing to do with their other purposes.

Regardless, Luke says he’s now more set on making sure Jace doesn’t come. So Jace finally explains why he has to go – because he’ll use the special rune Clary made up, and that’ll make him immune to the demon’s powers!

On the one hand, I like that this was set up in advance. On the other, it was so obvious and requires no real effort on either Jace’s or Clary’s part, so it feels like cheating.

Clary isn’t happy with this, because she doesn’t want Jace to have to rely on “[her] stupid rune.” Jace points out that it worked fine before. Since no one else will point it out, I will – there’s a huge difference between coming out to your parents and facing down a smoke monster that can literally scare you to death.

Clary doesn’t point this out, instead saying that she might mess up. How does Jace reassure her? By telling her that he believes in her, or that he trusts her? Nope. Their eyes meet, meaning we’re subjected to yet another description of Jace’s freaky yellow eyes

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

and he says this:

“You won’t.”

Yeah, I guess that’s reassuring, but I can’t help but imagine that Jace mentally adds “Or I’ll skin you alive.”

The scene ends, and the next one begins with them arriving at the address Isabelle sent them.

A Word From Our Sponsors: 1

(Best part of the Super Bowl, in my opinion – all the new commercials)

Luke asks if they’re sure this is the right place, because Magnus isn’t there. Clary looks around, and we get a decent description of the surroundings. She then asserts her confidence that Magnus will show up because, “If he told Alec he was coming, he’ll do it.”

I just love how easy it is to read a chain of manipulation into that statement – Jace manipulating Alec, who in tern is manipulating Magnus.

Our “Heroes”: 2

Maybe if CC had gone with, “Alec said he would be here,” it wouldn’t bother me so much. Then again, if Magnus had just called them instead of having to relay all this through Alec and Isabelle, this wouldn’t be a problem in the first place.

(I’m also trying not to giggle like a twelve-year-old for reasons I’m sure most of you can figure out.)

They get out of the truck. Clary thinks it’s weirdly quiet, but given that they’re at the waterfront, on a Sunday, and presumably at night (though I can’t be sure, since CC once again fails to establish what time it is), I think Clary’s overreacting.

It’s also cold. CC fills up some more space describing both Clary and Luke zipping up their jackets, Luke giving Clary his gloves, and describing how tiny Clary’s hands are compared to Luke’s. I have no idea why any of this is here.

Entirely Pointless: 2

They then notice that Jace is not right next to them, and is instead over by the river. Luke decides they should stick together, so they walk over to him.

Riveting.

We get more description of the area. Jace has his jacket off and is throwing crap into the river. Clary asks him why, and he says he’s “Sending a message.” Clary thinks she sees something in the water, but it disappears. She asks who his message is to, and Jace scowls and says, “No one.”

Yeah, I don’t know what I was supposed to infer from that – maybe that Jace was trying to contact someone or something that lives in the river, but for some reason it doesn’t want to talk to him? But then why does he get all huffy about it? Because someone is else isn’t putting up with his crap any more?

Anyway, Jace walks over to his jacket, where he’s got three Shadowhunter magic knives laid out. Apparently they aren’t quite ready, because they haven’t been named yet. Jace explains that, because he couldn’t ransack the armory, those (and some throwing discs he stole from Isabelle) are their only weapons. And I have to wonder how he managed to get a hold of not one, not two, but three of those knives without going to the armory, considering how important they supposedly are. I mean, did he keep them in his room? Why wouldn’t you keep stuff like that in the armory? I can’t believe that the Inquisitor would just let him keep things like that on him – no way she’s that stupid.

Oh, wait, I know why – because plot.

Un-Logic: 2

So Jace picks each one up, says a name that CC probably found on some list of angel names online, and they’re magically finished. He gives one of them to Luke, but Clary doesn’t get one, presumably because she’s a girl, and we’ve already hit our quota of “girls who get to actually fight”, even though Isabelle hasn’t actually gotten to show off her skills once in two books (no, I don’t count tripping guys with her whip as demonstrations of her prowess).

Clary then asks an interesting question – has any Shadowhunter named their blade after Raziel. I say it’s interesting because Raziel supposedly created the Shadowhunters, so you’d think honoring him by giving their weapons his name would be fairly common. But Luke says no, but doesn’t supply an explanation beyond “That’s not done.”

That seems a bit weird, given how cavalier they apparently are with every other angel out there. Which leads me to wonder if Shadowhunters have used the names of more popular angels (like Michael, Gabriel, Raphael, or Uriel). Probably not, because then CC would have to justify why more “big name” angels aren’t given the level of respect that her chosen one is.

Anyway, Clary gets a text, which she shows to Jace. The Inquisitor has apparently given Valentine until sunset to decide if he wants to make the swap. Also, she and Mayrse have been arguing for a few hours, which Jace somehow uses to conclude that the Inquisitor is entirely unaware of his escape.

And for two reasons.

First: CC, do you honestly expect me to believe that the Inquisitor’s people wouldn’t immediately burst in to mention that the guy she personally locked up had managed to escape? What, they heard her and Mrs. Lightwood arguing, and like a couple of children decided to just wait outside? No. I can’t believe that, because that’s both stupid and unprofessional. Despite all your attempts to convince me that the Inquisitor is the bad guy here, she’s not Darth Vader – I can’t believe that she’d kill one of her people because Jace escaped.

Second: I’m having trouble following that train of logic. Here’s the reasoning: 1) the Inquisitor has set a deadline for Valentine to agree to the exchange; 2) the Inquisitor has been arguing with Mayrse for several hours. How does this lead to the conclusion that the Inquisitor doesn’t know that Jace is gone? Wouldn’t a more logical conclusion be that she’s hoping Valentine doesn’t know that Jace is gone, and is planning on ambushing Valentine at the exchange? And the reason she’s been yelling at Mayrse is because she thinks she had something to do with Jace’s escape?

But I guess those explanations would be reasonable, present the Inquisitor and her people as being rational and intelligent, and subsequently not portray Jace as being super-special-awesome.

But enough of that – it’s time for Luke to give this book’s info-dump. At least this time it doesn’t take up a whole chapter, thank Cthulhu.

This one begins with Jace asking about the Inquisitor’s son, and whether he died. Luke is amazed that Jace figured this out, what with how the Inquisitor reacts whenever he’s mentioned.

No Shit Sherlock: 2

So Luke gives the backstory – Stephen (the Inquisitor’s son) was great and wonderful and practically-perfect-in-every-way, blah blah blah. And, of course, he was friends with Luke, Valentine, Jocelyn, and the Lightwoods when they were kids (because no one is allowed to not be connected to them in these books), but oddly enough, he was not a member of the Order of the Phoenix Deatheaters Circle. At least not at first. No, he only joined after Luke left, and took Luke’s place as Valentine’s second in command. Which is weird, as any sensible person knows you promote from within the organization.

But I guess it’s justifiable by how easily Valentine was able to manipulate him. (Okay, head-canon – Stephen replaced Luke in more ways than one). The Inquisitor wasn’t happy about her son joining the Circle, but Stephen didn’t listen because he was in love or brainwashed or something.

How much control did Valentine have over Stephen? Well, when Valentine didn’t like Stephen’s beard wife, Stephen divorced her and married someone who Valentine did approve of. And apparently Stephen’s new beard wife really did love him, because when he died during a raid on a vampire nest, she committed suicide.

And she was eight months pregnant at the time.

Yeah, I’m sure that little bit of information is totally irrelevant and won’t become important later.

Anyway, the Inquisitor’s husband heard this and died of grief (like you do), Stephen’s second wife got buried at a crossroads (because I guess Shadowhunters are old-school like that), and when the previous Inquisitor got killed in Valentine’s cluster-fuck of a revolution, she took the job. And given that all the family she had or could have had – husband, son, daughter-in-law, and grandchild – were dead, she became pretty bitter about it.

Jace logically concludes that this is also why she hates Valentine so much – because he’s directly or indirectly responsible for all those deaths.

But Luke says that’s wrong, because that would make the Inquisitor somewhat sympathetic, and we can’t have that. No, Luke insists that the reason she hates Valentine is that, despite everything he did, he still has a son, and she doesn’t, and she blames Valentine for her son’s death. Because that’s not complete bullshit – I mean, who cares that Valentine pretty much took her entire family away, no, she lost her son.

So she’s basically a female version of Flashpoint-Batman (“_My son is DEEEAAAD!_”).

But it doesn’t end there! Jace points out that, hey, Valentine is kinda responsible for all that death, but for some reason Luke decides to defend Valentine. After all, he never forced any of his followers to do anything. Which totally contradicts the point of how much control Valentine had over his followers, especially Stephen. And is a nice bit of victim-blaming, too. By this logic, Hitler, Stalin, Jim Jones, Charles Manson, Pol Pot weren’t responsible for any of the actions of their followers – particularly the all the people they killed, because they (the leaders) didn’t do them personally.

No, CC, that is complete bullshit. Because all that horrible stuff was done on their command, and with their approval. Valentine is just as responsible for the deaths of Stephen and the Inquisitor’s family. I have no doubt that the raid that Stephen was killed in was done under Valentine’s orders – thus, without Valentine, Stephen wouldn’t have died, his wife wouldn’t have committed suicide (hell, she probably wouldn’t have even been his wife in the first place), and the Inquisitor’s husband wouldn’t have died either. So tell me, how is none of this Valentine’s fault again?

Anyway, they talk about this a bit more, and it seems to end up favoring Valentine. Which I find weird, given how he’s, you know, the bad guy.

Sadly, the conversation ends before we can delve deeper into this morass of a topic, because Magnus shows up. And for the first time in this series, he’s not dressed like Liberace, instead looking like he’s here to work. He and Luke talk a bit (which includes a joke from Luke that I don’t feel is entirely appropriate, given the circumstances), and Magnus asks him to unlock the truck. They walk off, and Clary stares at them so long that Jace has to snap her out of it. Which leads to this bit:

“It’s all right.” He touched her face, gently, with the back of his hand. “You disappear so completely into your head sometimes,” he said. “I wish I could follow you.”
You do, she wanted to say. You live in my head all the time.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 5

One for each of the following:

Anyway, Jace wants Clary to put her new, spiffy, cheating rune on him now, because Luke will object if he asks later. Because Jace is absolutely convinced that it’s the only way to defeat Valentine’s digi-demon. Clary asks what it’s like, and Jace says it shows you *“what you fear the most in the world.” Clary says she doesn’t know what hers is, and Jace replies that she doesn’t want to.

And now that I think about it, if that’s what this demon does, that’s kinda lame. I mean, suppose what you most fear is something abstract, like financial destitution? What’s it going to show you, an image of your bank account being empty? Hell, even some of the stuff the demon’s shown its victims (like Jace) aren’t really all that frightening. Honestly, what CC probably should have gone with something like Pennywise from It – taking on the form of something that actually scares its victims (like with Maia), because that would actually be an interesting threat.

Besides, we all know the things Jace really fears the most – people realizing that he has no redeeming qualities beyond his physical appearance.

Anyway, Clary gets ready to draw on Jace, and for some reason he tells her (and us) that runes work better the closer they are to a Shadowhunter’s heart. I’d say I don’t know why this was suddenly mentioned, but it’s pretty obvious – so Jace can pull up his shirt and Clary/CC can ogle him without feeling bad.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 6

So Clary draws the thing on his back, and Jace puts his shirt back on. We get some pretty description of the sky as the sun’s going down, and then Jace offers to draw on Clary. Hey, you know what might also be helpful? Giving Clary one of those nifty, freshly-finished blades. Yeah, she has no real training with one, but A) that’s never meant anything before, and B) at least that way she could, you know, defend herself, rather than being utterly useless. Like always.

Clary sees the rune she got in her dream from waaaaay back at the beginning of part 2, and still doesn’t ask any questions about it, like how it got there, or what it means.

Then Magnus pops up and quotes the Bible, specifically the bit where Cain gets marked so no one will kill him. Jace is amazed that Magnus can quote scripture, as if it’s somehow odd. Then again, I doubt Jace could quote the Bible. Magnus mentions a theory he has about Cain’s being the first Mark, which leads into this little exchange:

“But he was hardly one of the angels,” said Clary. “Didn’t he kill his brother?”
“Aren’t we planning to kill our father?” said Jace.
“That’s different,” said Clary.

Luckily for her, Luke pulls up in the truck before she can elaborate on that, probably because someone pointed out to CC that the Bible kind of has some very specific things to say about how children are supposed to treat their parents, and they really don’t support what Clary and Jace are trying to do – I mean, it’s one of the Ten Commandments.

That said, I do think a connection between Cain and the Shadowhunters (or a similar group) would be interesting – maybe they hunt and kill monsters and demons as a form of penance for their ancestor’s actions? It’s a thought.

Back to the book. Magnus tells them to get in the truck, and I learn that either CC or Luke doesn’t know a damn thing about trucks, because the spare tire is in the bed, rather than on the hook on the underside. You know, where it’s supposed to be. Clary also notices that Magnus has drawn a pentagram with some funky designs around it on the bed of the truck. For some reason, CC felt the need to inform us that Clary doesn’t recognize them.

No Shit Sherlock: 3

Well, yeah. It’s not Shadowhunter magic. Oh, sorry, I forgot – Shadowhunters don’t use “magic.” Ether way, why would Clary recognize the designs?

Luke pokes his head out the window and tells Clary to stay with Magnus once they get to the boat, which is probably the most sensible decision made in the entire book. And as such, will probably be ignored. Oddly enough, Clary doesn’t argue with this, so at least she seems to have realized how utterly useless she is in a fight.

The truck starts moving, and we find out what Magnus did to it – when it reaches the river, the truck starts driving over the water. Jace is kind of impressed by all this (well, it is different, I’ll give you that), but Clary thinks it’s kind of lame. Magnus moves somewhat back into my good graces by telling Clary that if she doesn’t like it, she can try walking.

The scene ends there, and the next one has us with Alec and Isabelle. Yay! They actually get to do something this time!

So the Lightwood kids are standing at the library door, presumably listening to their mother and the Inquisitor. I’d say that this is really rude, but again, at least CC decided not to just shove them aside for the ‘climax’.

Anyway, Isabelle asks Alec if he can hear anything, and he says no. Somehow, Isabelle deduces that the fact that their mother and the Inquisitor have stopped yelling means they’re just waiting for Valentine to show up. I guess that kind of makes sense, but so what?

Alec looks out the window and says the sun is setting. Isabelle decides to go into the library. When Alec tries to stop her, she gives this as her explanation:

“I don’t want her to be able to lie to us about what Valentine says,” Isabelle said. “Or what happens. Besides, I want to see him. Jace’s father. Don’t you?”

Okay, the first two I can sort of understand – they don’t trust the Inquisitor (because CC doesn’t understand that “doesn’t like Jace” =/= “is a bad guy”), so they want to see what happens first-hand. But that last bit? How does that fit? Was that one picture of the Circle from back in the day the only photo of Valentine in the entire facility? I guess that would make sense, given how Jace never figured out that Valentine was his father. Or did the Lightwood parents hide all the evidence of their past, because they don’t want their kids to be aware of their previous actions?

Isabelle opens the door and heads in, and Alec decides to follow her. Inside, their mom and the Inquisitor are glaring at each other, and we get this reaction from Isabelle:

Isabelle shot Alec a look, as if to say, Maybe we shouldn’t have come in here. Mom looks mad.

Isabelle, sweetie, you’re the one who opened the door. It was your idea to go into the library in the first place. If your look should say anything, it should say, “Oh shit! I’m sorry. I’ll take the blame.”

And honestly, given how you’ve been sitting in the hallway, listening to the two ladies go at it for a while, are you really that surprised that they’re mad?

No Shit Sherlock: 4

But I don’t blame you, Isabelle. I blame CC – she’s the one who decided to write you as an air-headed bimbo, because otherwise some of her readers might actually like you more than Clary.

The Inquisitor notices them, and is described as looking “positively demented” because CC is as subtle as a brick through a window. The Inquisitor starts yelling about them showing up, but then Valentine shows up, and the meeting is on. At first I thought he was doing that magic-portal thing from the first book, but apparently he’s just doing that super-realistic-holographic-projection thing like Raphael was doing waaaaaayyy back in chapter 3. We get an actual description of Valentine, with special attention given to how he “[lacks] anything of his son’s pale-gold looks,” because, again, CC does not do subtle. Also, I’m giving it one of these:

Both Hands, Ma’am: 7

Every time you describe Jace’s appearance using the word “gold”, I’m going to mentally replace it with “piss”. This is what you’ve pushed me to, CC.

Anyway, Valentine is all smug and condescending, proving he is Jace’s father in every way that matters (not that any of these characters will point that out), and makes comments about the Lightwood kids that, since he’s the villain, are vaguely threatening. He explains the deal for the reader – he gives up the MacGuffins for Jace, or the Inquisitor will kill Jace. Isabelle is, of course, very upset about this, because that’s one of the only things she gets to do now – be upset over people being mean to Jace. She objects to this, and her mother (quite rightly) tells her to shut up.

Then Valentine goes into how he and the Inquisitor are so alike, because he’s a walking cliché. CC again tries to pound in that whole bit about the Inquisitor hating Valentine because he still has a son, despite it making less sense than just blaming Valentine for her entire family’s deaths. And, as anyone could have guessed, Valentine turns down the deal.

This shocks the Inquisitor, because she (unlike Valentine and Jace) can’t grasp that some people (like Valentine and Jace) don’t care for anyone who isn’t of some use to them. Valentine explains that he made his whole Darth Vader “join me” spiel, and Jace turned him down, so Valentine is just fine letting him die.

It’s really, really sad when Darth Vader is a better, more caring father figure than you are. So I guess, kudos for that, CC.

The Inquisitor makes one last play at Valentine’s emotions, saying that her superiors will order Jace’s death, and she won’t be able to stop them, but (big surprise) Valentine doesn’t care.

Isabelle does the whole “emotional female” thing, because that’s really all she’s here for, and Alec has to restrain her for some reason.

The Inquisitor is just shocked to hear that Jace turned down Valentine’s offer. Honestly, I can’t say I blame her for believing he was working with Valentine, given how utterly uncooperative he’s been from the very beginning. Again, if Jace really wanted to prove where his loyalties lay, he could have volunteered to lead the Inquisitor to Valentine’s ship, but again, that would mean he wouldn’t get to be the big hero, which is what really matters.

Now the Inquisitor goes all emotional female and attacks Valentine, but since he’s not really there, noting comes of it, other than him going “Seacrest out” and disappearing.

And that’s the end of that scene. It wasn’t great, but it was a nice break from having to deal with Clary and Jace.

So of course the next scene has us back with them.

They’re still heading for Valentine’s boat, so I guess either they weren’t that close to begin with, or Luke is driving really slow. Clary is cold, which Jace comments on. She asks if he is, and he says he’s not, either to show how ‘manly’ he is, or more likely so he can offer Clary his jacket. Given how Clary reacts to it (“reveling in the softness of the leather”) I’m going with the latter. Also, this:

Both Hands, Ma’am: 8

Jace asks if Clary will stay in the truck, and she says she will. Yeah, let’s see how long she sticks to that once things start going down.

Then Clary says Jace will find Simon for her. I’m not kidding about that either – she doesn’t just say he’ll find Simon, but that he’ll do it “for me”. Which I suppose could be read as “you’ll find Simon in my place,” but I can’t help but read that as “you’ll do the job I should be doing.” Jace tries to say that Simon might be dead (hey, in a realistic world, he would be), but Clary insists that he’s not. No real reason why, other than it would mean she failed at something, and we all know that will never happen.

Jace stares at the water for a bit, and Clary thinks the reflection of the water in Jace’s eyes looks like tears. If you think I’m kidding, see for yourself:

His irises rippled with dark blue water – like tears, Clary thought, but they weren’t tears, only reflections.

So either Clary or CC has never seen someone’s eyes tear up, or she/they have no idea how reflections work.

You Keep Using That Word: 1

(That might be the first time in a long time that I’ve used that count to refer to the actual word choice.)

Anyway, now that Jace is magically without fear (and thus incapable of bravery, at least according to Ned Stark), he decides to try an kiss Clary. The description is very purple.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 9

Also, this:

CC, I get that you and a disturbing number of your fans (i.e. any at all) get off on this, but it is seriously gross. They have every reason to believe they’re siblings.

Luckily (for my stomach, if nothing else) they reach the boat before things can get going. The boat is described, and it’s passable. There’s mention of big, weird-looking birds, which I guess qualifies as decent foreshadowing, at least for CC. Jace says something, but Clary can’t hear it, so he reaches under his jacket (probably so CC can write Clary’s reaction)

Both Hands, Ma’am: 10

and grabs the magic knife from her belt.

… wait, what? When did Clary get one?

[flips back]

Oh, sorry. My bad. Clary got the one Jace tried to give to Luke. Okay then. (CC mentioned in passing that Luke has a kindjal instead, so I’m retroactively giving it one of these:

You Keep Using That Word: 2

It’s a dagger, CC. Just call it that.)

Clary is confused (big surprise) until Jace points out that the birds aren’t really birds. I’m not sure how useful a knife will be against things that can fly, but I guess it’s better than nothing. The demons attack, and the description is, again, decent – they’re basically little pterodactyls, which while simplistic, does get the image across.

Jace jumps up onto the truck’s roof so he can look awesome and impressive (seriously, I can’t think of any other reason to do that) and throws one of his knives at one of the demons.

Un-Logic: 3

CC, I don’t care how “cool” that looks. I don’t care that it worked. Throwing a melee weapon – unless it’s specifically designed to be thrown, or you have some means of getting it back – is a stupid thing to do. Because even if it works, you now don’t have that weapon. And Jace only had two to begin with. So how many hours worth of work were put into that knife, only for it to end up at the bottom of the harbor?

Well, another demon-bird-pterodactyl hits the hood and goes for Luke and Magnus. Clary screams (big surprise) and gets attacked by a third one. We get a little more detail on these things, which is also good (they don’t have eyes – creepy), but apparently they’re pretty pathetic, because the one attacking Clary goes down after she “smash[es]” it with her magic knife. Not stabbing, just smashing.

Lame.

But apparently this one kill is enough to make Clary an expert (of course it is) because she’s stopped screaming, and even starts talking with Jace while they’re fighting. One of the demons manages to catch the sleeve of Jace’s jacket and tear it up, which (to no one’s surprise) gets more of a reaction out of him than anything else.

Our “Heroes”: 3

Even Clary is incredulous at this, but gets distracted when one of the things starts ripping the roof off the cab. And if they’re strong enough to do that, I’m surprised that last one didn’t rip Clary’s arm off.

Luke somehow ends up on the hood of the truck, manages to hold back the two attacking him, and actually manages to kill one (with special mention that his weapon is a kindjal, just to show how much CC knows about weapons and stuff).

You Keep Using That Word: 3

The other one flies off, and heads for the boat. Much to my surprise, Clary checks on Magnus and actually displays some concern for him. He’s not hurt (of course not, that would be inconvenient), but he is drained. He explains that the wards on the boat are tough, but he has to do it, otherwise (and I quote):

“anyone who sets foot on that ship, other than Valentine, will die.”

For some reason, Luke suggests he come with them, and Magnus further explains that he can’t do anything to the wards if he’s on the ship. Personally, I would have reiterated that whole “we’ll all die if I don’t deal with the wards” thing. Seems pretty straight-forward, if you ask me.

And just to pile on more needless crap, Magnus says that his powers aren’t really much use in combat (guess he’s spec’d for buffing or something).

Clary starts to say something, but then another one of the flying demon-bird things (which was apparently clinging to the side of the truck, and no one noticed) jumps out, grabs Clary, and takes off for the boat.

Well, so much for that whole “I’ll stay in the truck” thing. I guess I should at least give credit where it’s due – at least she’s not leaving of her own free will.

We get a scene break that only results in us switching POVs from Clary to Luke. Y’all know what that means:

A Word From Our Sponsors: 2

So Luke screams Clary’s name, because I guess this is supposed to be dramatic or something, but that’s about all he does. Jace says the demon is probably taking her to Valentine, and that it won’t hurt her. Luke is bothered by how casual Jace is about that (at least that’s how I’m choosing to read it), and starts to ask how he knows that (answer: because CC told him), but Jace has already jumped off the side of the truck and into the water and is swimming for the boat.

Luke checks to see that Magnus is okay, then sheathes his dagger (sorry, “_kindjal_”),

You Keep Using That Word: 4

and dives after Jace, ending the scene.

So, I guess we’re just going to ignore Magnus’s warning about the wards, then? What am I saying, CC forgot that the second after she wrote it.

But that’s the end of that scene. It was short, and almost entirely pointless. The next scene is the last of the chapter, and it brings us back to Alec and Isabelle, so maybe we’ll end on a decent note.

So we pick up with the rest of the gang exactly where we left off. Alec decides to let Isabelle go, and actually expects her to go all “crazy emotional female.” Nice. Mayrse looks over at them and tells them to get their father. Of course, only Isabelle actually goes, because if she’s not going to be the crazy emotional female, she serves no purpose in this scene. Oh, the narration says Mayrse looked at Isabelle, but since she’s standing right next to Alec, I’m fairly certain she’s addressing both of them. And, of course, since Alec is the POV character, we need him to stand around mutely observing and not interacting with anyone.

Meanwhile, the Inquisitor is in the middle of a Heroic BSOD over Valentine’s actions. So of course Mayrse decides that now is the perfect time to give her a “The Reason You Suck” Speech, because what’s the point of having a Scary Sue-type villain if you don’t get to tear them apart at the climax? And while everything Mayrse says might technically be true, it’s not like Jace is entirely innocent in all of this – remember, he could have volunteered to help her stop Valentine, but decided not to. Yet no one is pointing that out, because it would make him look bad. Gods, this is chapter two all over again.

So Mayrse goes on and on about how the Inquisitor should have known that Valentine wouldn’t take the deal, and it was her ego that kept them from calling in reinforcements, and now it’s too late to do anything. But then Papa Lightwood shows up, and he’s all geared up and raring to fight. The description of him is okay, especially how Alec reacts to it, but the fact that it specifically mentions how he’s spent the last few years dealing with “Downworlder issues” just reminds me of how stupid, corrupt, and generally horrible Shadowhunter leadership must be.

But regardless, he’s somehow both aware of what’s going on and already has the Inquisitor’s people ready to move on Valentine’s boat. I’m not sure how he managed to pull that off since he probably got the news from Isabelle less than a minute ago, but I guess it’s yet another instance of CC not understanding how to properly convey the passage of time. I’m also curious as to why the other Shadowhunters would actually listen to, let alone take orders from this guy, but again, their leaders thought sending the known, convicted terrorists far away and giving them their own base with absolutely no oversight whatsoever was a good idea.

The Inquisitor points out that their superiors need to be told, so of course Mayrse acts like a petulant child and says that she should do it. Oh, and she puts all the blame for this on the Inquisitor, because again, it’s “let’s shit on the Scary Sue” time.

Isabelle pops back in armed with her whip and a “wooden-bladed _naginata_”.

You Keep Using That Word: 5

Just follow me on this one.

Yes, a naginata is a particular kind of pole weapon, and I won’t fault CC for specifying in this case. But I can’t shake the feeling that she’s only including it because either A) it’s Japanese, and therefore cooler, and/or B) because she read about it and thinks that using specific weapon names will somehow impress her audience.

And while wooden-bladed versions of naginatas do exist, according to Wikipedia those versions are either used to practice katas or in bouts, where the goal isn’t to hurt people. So why the hell would Isabelle use one with a wooden blade, when a metal one (you know, one that’s actually intended to do damage) would be more useful?

Alec grabs for the naginata, with CC still insisting on italicizing the term,

You Keep Using That Word: 6

but Isabelle tells him to get his own weapons. Well, at least she’s somewhat recovered from her bout of forced-helplessness. Not that it stops Alec from rolling his eyes at her behavior, because hey, girls, am I right?

Our “Heroes”: 4

But Papa Lightwood steps in, and says that Alec can use is “_guisarme_” if he wants to.

You Keep Using That Word: 7

Okay, CC, now you’re just showing off. Badly. Put down your Encyclopedia of Weapons already – no one’s impressed. Besides, didn’t we establish in the last book that Alec’s weapon of choice is a bow? Or did CC just forget that? (Probably)

But it turns out the naginata

You Keep Using That Word: 8

(yes, I will do that every time CC insists on italicizing these words – it’s clearly done to draw attention to them) was for Mayrse. She takes it and then for literally no reason at all points the business end at the Inquisitor. Not that it’ll do much good, because the blade is made of wood.

The Inquisitor draws the logical conclusion from this, namely that Mayrse intents to kill her. But no, instead Mayrse starts going on about how they’ll need every available Shadowhunter they can get, and that she’s in charge now (yeah, because her loyalties are totally beyond question). Here’s how she’s described from Alec’s POV:

She looked magnificent as she spoke, Alec thought with pride, a true Shadowhunter warrior, every line of her blazing with righteous fury.

Interesting choice of words, “righteous fury”. Because I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that she looked exactly the same right before she and the rest of the Circle tried to interrupt the Accords and start a race war.

Anyway, Mayrese also insists that Jace be freed. And Alec turns the scene into something from a sitcom by ending the chapter with this:

He cleared his throat. “Actually,” he said, “there’s something you should probably know…”

Rapier Twit: 3

Double points because the narration points it out. CC, just because you lampshade it doesn’t make it funny, nor does it excuse it. I can see this scene in my head right now: everyone turns to look at Alec like “oh, you scamp!” and he gives an exaggerated shrug.

So that’s chapter 17. On the one hand, stuff actually happened – the plot and tension moved in the correct direction, rather than being put on hold while everyone sat around talking about stuff. On the other hand, the scenes not focusing on Clary and Jace were pretty much there just so the Inquisitor can get her comeuppance.

Because from what I remember of her plot from other sporkings, this is pretty much the end of her plot-line – she has seen the error of her ways, and realized what a fool she was to ever doubt that Jace was anything other than the physical embodiment of all that is good and noble. Just ignore the blatant racism, egotism, and general dickish behavior.

And once again, we have a title that has almost no connection whatsoever with the actual content of the chapter. For those who don’t know, the phrase “east of Eden” comes from the Bible, specifically Genesis 4: 16, which in the King James Version is rendered as this:

And Cain went out from the presence of the Lord, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden.

Now, that has nothing to do with what happened in this chapter. At best, the only connection I can find is that brief discussion of the mark of Cain, but that’s it. So I think we can definitively state that CC picks chapter titles at random, putting absolutely no thought into them at all.

But that’s all for now. I’ll try to get to chapter 18 soon, because we’re closing in on the end, and my suffering will end, at least temporarily. See y’all next time.

Counts

Entirely Pointless: 2 (Total: 39)
Un-Logic: 3 (Total: 55)
You Keep Using That Word: 8 (Total: 78)
Shoddy World Building: 0 (Total: 37)
Rapier Twit: 3 (Total: 64)
Our “Heroes”: 4 (Total: 141)
No Shit Sherlock: 4 (Total: 12)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 10 (Total: 102 – TRIPPLE DIGITS!!)
A Word from Our Sponsors: 2 (Total: 9)

Comment [17]

Another month, another chapter of City of Ashes. Seriously, this is feeling almost routine by now.

Only one thing I feel worth sharing from my personal life – two weeks before Easter, by younger brother and his girlfriend got married. They wanted to do it two weeks later, as that would have been their tenth anniversary (freshman year of high school all the way through college, so really this is just making them official), but again, Easter. The ceremony was nice, I saw some relatives I don’t get to see that often, and the couple are very happy.

In other news, SarahSyna finally got around to posting a riffing of the first episode of the TV adaptation of these books, Shadowhunters. If you haven’t read that yet, please do so – it’s pretty entertaining. So far, the show is much, much better than the books, almost as if the show makers noticed the flaws in the original and decided to fix them.

Finally, a quick recap before we get into it. Last time, Luke, Clary, Jace, and Magnus made the oh-so-brilliant decision to attack Valentine’s floating fortress on their own, because they can’t go to the Inquisitor for help because… reasons. Probably that she’s a meanie poopie head. This did not go well, as Valentine sent a flock of demonic-bird things to attack them. The protagonists managed to fend off the attack, yet Clary got grabbed all the same, and Jace and Luke decided to go rescue her, despite Magnus not yet having deactivated Valentine’s defenses. Brilliant.

Meanwhile, Mayrse Lightwood confronted the Inquisitor about her plan to make a deal with Valentine, which Alec and Isabelle overheard because they were never taught not to snoop on people. The deal with Valentine went predictably bad, which for some reason lead to the Inquisitor having a break down. Mayrse deciding that now was the perfect time to start berating her for trying to do her job and being suspicious of Jace. The chapter ended with Mayrse declaring that she’s in charge now, and that they’re going to release Jace and attack Valentine’s ship, and then Alec ruining the moment by basically going “Oh, did I forget to mention that Jace already broke out? Woopsie!”

Chapter 18 begins with us in Clary’s POV, right around when we last saw her – getting snagged by a flying demon-bird-thing. The experience is compared to being on a roller coaster, though mostly in how Clary doesn’t like them. I’m not sure how accurate the analogy is, as I’ve never been grabbed by a flying demon-monster. She screams and struggles for a bit, then realizes just how high up she is, and goes limp. Not surprising, as it is her only real means of defense.

There’s a brief bit describing how the city looks and how Clary’s too scared to appreciate the sight, which I actually like. Like I’ve said before – I do think CC has some decent writing chops. I just wish she’d spent a bit more time honing them (and maybe getting some serious critique) before trying to publish.

But there’s not much time to admire the scenery, because immediately after the demon-bird dives down towards the S.S. Genocidal Maniac, and I’m forced to adjust my mental picture of the ship accommodate the description CC provides. Evidently, the ship is big enough that the thing carrying Clary (which has to be pretty big, given what it’s carrying) to fly around inside the ship. So now I’m imagining that Valentine has somehow managed to park a cargo carrier in New York harbor without anyone noticing or crashing into it.

And this whole problem could easily be solved by allowing Shadowhunters to make dimensionally-transcendent stuff. You know, like in Doctor Who or Harry Potter – bigger on the inside. This would also allow the Institute to be housed in a small, inconspicuous building, rather than in a disused cathedral.

But never mind that. Clary finally gets dropped off in some pit or something, and finds that Maia is also there. Clary, being the kind, sensitive soul that she is, immediately asks where Simon is.

Our “Heroes”: 1

Yes, I know that’s pretty much the only reason Clary came along on this little venture, but she could at least ask if Maia’s hurt first.

Anyway, Maia says that Simon is dead, bringing the first scene to an end on a dramatic note.

And in almost any other book, it would be a good hook for the end of a scene. If this were a book where bad things sometimes happened to good people, either as consequences for their actions or just at random, I might actually believe that Simon was dead. Except that – as has been firmly established by this point – this is not that kind of book. The protagonists will never face any danger they cannot overcome, and any punishment for their bad behavior will at best be a minor inconvenience. The only way CC could be more obvious about this is if she openly declared that no one Clary cares about will ever get hurt.

And don’t try to defend this by saying that it’s YA. The age of the target audience is not an excuse, and there are plenty of YA books that include characters dying. Off the top of my head, there’s the Hunger Games trilogy and all its knock-offs. Heck, Old Yeller and all those other dead-dog books are aimed at an even younger audience. Death of a major character is practically a requirement of any coming-of-age story.

But on another note, why is this scene here? Why wasn’t it at the end of the previous chapter? Yeah, I guess that ending it with the Lightwoods gearing-up to ride to the rescue was a good way to end it, but why not move this scene to right after the one from Luke’s POV, where he and Jace jump after her?

Back to the book. The next scene has us in Jace’s POV. On the up side, we get to see exactly what the effects of this fancy new rune are.

Okay, so CC decided to be merciful and skipped straight to Jace and Luke boarding the ship, rather than describing the swim over. Not only did they manage to reach it, but also climb up the ladder on the side without facing any obstacles or resistance, despite being entirely helpless. The strangeness of this only occurs to Jace after reaching the deck, though, which he attributes to the Fearless rune.

Yeah, I think it was misnamed – it doesn’t so much “remove fear” as it does “remove common sense.” Which is not nearly as useful. Don’t believe me? Keep reading.

Jace is soaking wet and feels super cold. Mr. Pink? I need you again.

Thank you.

Luke shows up, Jace tells him there’s a door somewhere, and then insists on taking the lead. Why? No idea. Maybe because he’s the designated hero?

Then, for no apparent reason, Luke asks what Valentine promised Jace for switching sides. Isn’t this something we could have covered earlier? Like, say, in the truck? I mean, did you just drive to the waterfront and then to the boat in complete silence? This is really not the time to be discussing this.

Jace answers by making a dumb joke:

“Oh, you know. The usual. A lifetime’s supply of Knicks tickets.”

Rapier Twit: 1
Shoddy World Building: 1

Do I even have to explain the second one?

Anyway, Jace tells Luke what Valentine actually said, so I don’t see the point of that little “joke”, other than to further inflate the word count.

Entirely Pointless: 1

So then Luke guesses that maybe Valentine had Clary nabbed as a way to get back at Jace, everything in these books has to come back to Jace. However, Jace has the logic-ball in this scene, and says that Clary being grabbed was to force them to come after her, and to give him a bargaining chip.

But then Luke sees something, proclaims that Valentine probably doesn’t need a bargaining chip, and draws his dagger sorry, kindjal.

You Keep Using That Word: 1

Gotta keep using (and italicizing) those terms – how else is the reader supposed to be amazed by CC’s vast knowledge of medieval weaponry?

Jace looks over and sees a hole in the boat with lots of demons swarming out. Included in them are Raum demons (which we saw back in chapter 12), “Oni demons” (which is a tautology), and “Kuri demons” (which are described as being spider-like).

Let’s focus in on that last one for a moment. I looked up the term “kuri” on Wikipedia. You know what the results I got were? A breed of Polynesian dog, a breed of West African cattle, a term for a kitchen in a Zen monastery, a type of Japanese Chestnut, and a sub-group of indigenous Australian languages. And that doesn’t get into the alternate spellings, or people/places.

So I did a Google search. When “kuri” got me the same results as Wikipedia, I tried “kuri demon”, and actually got something relevant. Well, the first two were references to this series’ wiki, and the next two to the game Lineage 2, but the third was actually semi-relevant – the Google book Encyclopedia of Demons in World Religions and Cultures, by Theresa Bane. Bane says that Kuri is a demon from Hausa mythology of West Africa.

Now, based on that, you might be tempted to give CC some praise for finally living up to that whole “all myths are true” line from the last book. I mean, how many people in the US know anything about Hausa mythology?

But don’t go giving her credit yet. Remember how CC’s Kuri demons are spider-like? Yeah, that’s not what the Hausa version is like at all. Here’s how Bane’s book describes them (or rather, him):

Kuri is the demon of paralysis in the demonology of the Hausa people of West Africa. He appears as a black hyena spirit. A specific dance must be performed and specific animal sacrifices must be offered in order to save one of his victims.

“A black hyena spirit.” Yeah, that doesn’t exactly scream “spider” to me.

Now, you might be tempted to say “Hey, what makes this Bane lady any more an authority than CC?” So I checked her author bio on Amazon. She describes herself as a “vampirologist” (yeah, not what I’d go with), has appeared on multiple programs discussing vampires and other stuff from folklore, and has also written encyclopedias on fairies, imaginary and mythological places, and vampire mythology, as well as a book delving into the history and folklore of vampires. She’s also got real nerd-cred.

So yeah. I’m pretty sure CC just made those things up. The fact that they happen to share a name with a real-world demon is just a coincidence.

Anyway, Jace pulls his magic knife and gets ready to charge the horde, but Luke stops him and suggests they fall back. Jace says that won’t work, because now there’s a “phalanx of Moloch demons” behind them. I’m not entirely certain that CC knows that a phalanx isn’t a specific number, just a formation.

Luke swears “fluently and viciously” (what did he suddenly drop into Hindi or something?)

You Keep Using That Word: 2

and suggests Jace jump overboard while he holds them off. Jace rejects this idea, because again, “fearless”.

Luke apparently starts shifting, starts to say something, but one of the Moloch demons attacks. They easily defeat it (seriously, Jace “casually” stabs it), and Luke figures out about the new rune. Jace confirms it, and when asked if he did it himself, explains that Clary did it. Luke practically rolls his eyes and says “stupid teenagers,” then they dive into the fight again, ending the scene.

You see what I mean about this “fearless” rune? Jace literally doesn’t care about any danger he might be in. There’s no thought of avoiding this fight, or falling back and devising a new plan. To paraphrase Redcloak from Order of the Stick:

Is there anything more natural than the fear response? “Fight or Flight,” it’s the most basic instinct there is. But thanks to [this rune], you’ve got no fear at all. Which leaves you with, what, “Fight or Fight Some More”?

(I’ve been waiting to use that reference for a while now.)

So basically, this new super-rune hasn’t actually “fixed” the problem so much as made a new one – Jace is now literally incapable of any form of tactical thought. He cannot retreat, cannot pause to assess a situation. All he can do is barrel forward, swinging wildly.

And because he’s the author’s darling, this will work out perfectly.

The next scene picks up with Clary. Let’s observe her reaction to being told that Simon, her best-friend/boyfriend is dead:

“Dead?” Clary stared at Maia as if she’d spoken in Bulgarian. “He can’t be dead.”

Well, technically speaking, he’s already dead, what with being a vampire and all (and I will continue to operate under this assumption until such time as CC states otherwise).

Also, Bulgarian? Was that the most off-the-wall language CC could come up with? Personally, I would have gone with something like one of those African languages that include clicks as consonants – really convey just how much Clary has been shaken by this. But really, how difficult a concept is this?

Maia said nothing, just watched her with sad, dark eyes.

I’m not sure whether Maia is as baffled by Clary’s confusion as I am, or just refusing to elaborate.

“I wold know.” Clary pressed her hand, clenched into a fist, against her chest. “I would know it here.”

[falls out of chair]

[laughs until almost passing out]

[gets back in chair]

Oh, oh wow. That was great. That was better than Jace downing half a shot. I mean, this is the girl who regularly ignores Simon, and at one point actually forgot he was there. And she’s going to claim, what, that she has some kind of deep, spiritual bond with him?

Back to recapping. Maia says she felt the same at one point, but since she doesn’t elaborate I’m just confused. Is she referring to Simon? Her ex? A guy who delivered pizza to her once? Who knows?

Clary gets up, realizes that Jace’s jacket is completely ruined, and takes it off. Seeing this, she has this thought:

Jace will be upset that I wrecked his jacket, she thought. I should buy him a new one. I should—

Our “Heroes”: 2

Okay, Clary, I get that you’re kind of in shock right now, but is this really where your focus should be? Personally, I’d probably be more focused on stopping Valentine’s Evil Scheme ™ and getting out alive first.

Although I’m absolutely certain that Jace will consider this the most important thing that’s happened tonight.

Clary asks for more details, which Maia provides. Basically, Valentine cut Simon’s throat and wrists, drained his blood into some bowls, and left. Maia screamed a lot, so one of Valentine’s demon henchmen (hench-things?) took her to this other room. While I understand her reaction, I can’t help but wonder if Maia screaming in terror might partly have been because she’s a girl, and CC doesn’t really do Strong Female Characters.

So Clary puzzles until her puzzler is sore (or in this case, presses her hand against her mouth until she draws blood – no, I’m not remotely kidding), and comes to this brilliant conclusion:

“We have to get out of here.”

No Shit Sherlock: 1

Sorry if that count doesn’t exactly apply, but that was literally my first reaction to that line. Even Maia says the same thing (though without the profanity), so I feel it’s justified. Maia then starts to go into how there’s totally no way they can get out, and that the only person who might be able to do it is Jace, though she doesn’t actually say his name.

Why the hell would Maia think this? She has no way of knowing that Jace has Mario-esque jumping abilities, so why would she think that he’d be any more able to escape than anyone else? Oh wait, I know why – because Jace is the most awesome guy ever, and everyone has to acknowledge that.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

For once, though, Clary doesn’t get weak in the knees at the thought of Jace. No, instead she gets pissed, and decides to actually do something for perhaps the first time in this entire series. And it only took her until the penultimate chapter of the second book to do it. Isn’t she just a great role model for young girls?

So Clary whips out her magic wand and starts drawing on the wall, which somehow results in it melting a hole in it. How did she do this? No idea – she just did. Which nicely demonstrates how totally OP she is now. Thanks for that, CC.

Maia is just as amazed (though far less incredulous) as I am by this. She starts to walk towards the hole, and this happens:

“Wait.” Clary was suddenly nervous. “The melted metal – it could be, like, toxic sludge or something.”
Maia snorted. “I’m from New Jersey. I was born in toxic sludge.”

Credit where it’s due – that joke wasn’t terrible. It wasn’t great, but it didn’t make me want to hit anything.

So Maia looks through the hole, sees a catwalk, and slips through the hole, and manages to only sprain her ankle on the drop. Clary starts to follow, only to get grabbed half-way through, held in the air by her shirt, and then dropped to the floor. Also, totally-not-a-wand slips out of her belt (gee, where have I come across something like that before?) in the process.

No points for guessing who grabbed her – it’s Valentine. Yeah, somehow Clary managed to completely miss him literally dropping in (since there are no doors to this particular room). Also, dude must be pretty ripped if he can lift Clary up with one hand, even if she is a little stick-figure.

Needless to say, Big V isn’t happy that Clary helped Maia escape. But Clary is also seriously pissed, or at least that’s what the narration says. It doesn’t quite work, though, because it’s Clary.

bq.http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/69/697676c3436c5f037de39e0dfb24bd40fe977d438b29e07cc4ff81270bd67fd6.jpg!

This kitten is probably more threatening than Clary, if only because it can set off someone’s allergies.

Still, she spits blood on Valentine’s shoes, so points for effort.

Oddly enough, this actually kinda sets him off, and Valentine almost kills Clary. He doesn’t, of course, but it does make him look like much more of a threat than most of what he’s done so far.

Valentine goes back to examining the hole in the wall, and Clary spots her not-wand. She starts reaching for it, only for Valentine to notice and kick through the aforementioned hole in the wall. And I feel you guys have to see Clary’s reaction:

She half-closed her eyes, feeling the loss of the stele like the loss of her mother all over again.

You know, CC, I might actually buy this if you’d bothered to, you know, depict Clary as actually feeling bad about what happened to her mom. I mean, she reacted more to accidentally destroying Jace’s jacket than she has to anything that happened to her mom.

Also, there’s that word again.

You Keep Using That Word: 3

Valentine basically shrugs and says he’ll have his minions track Maia down, then tells Clary to get up. She does, and he grabs her, lets out a whistle, and another of the flying things comes down and lifts them both out of the hole. Which once again makes me wonder how Clary didn’t notice that when Valentine arrived. My god, this girl is less aware of the world around her than Helen Keller.

The next scene flips us back to Jace and Luke. Jace is wondering how they’ve managed to avoid being killed, given the circumstances. I’ll tell you how – because you’re the author’s darling, and she won’t let anything bad happen to you. Ever.

We’re given a quick recounting of Jace’s condition – he’s dirty, has demon goo in his hair (the horror!), blood and sweat running in his eyes, and a single lone cut on one arm. Yeah, I don’t care how bad that cut might be, because that’s the only real injury Jace has. I feel this really shows CC’s priorities re: Jace – his appearance matters more than anything else, including actual injuries.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Also, Luke’s condition isn’t described at all. Because who cares about him, right?

But they have done at least one smart thing, though – they managed to back into a somewhat-metaphorical corner, so the demons can only come at them in small numbers from a single direction. Which is good, since Jace has pretty much out of weapons. Gee, it’s almost like getting into a fight with a bunch of demons when you only have a few weapons and no backup was a bad idea.

Then we get a description of Jace’s emotional state – he’s disgusted by the demons, and angry at Valentine, but not even vaguely afraid, despite knowing that he probably should be. To my amazement, CC actually acknowledges that not feeling any fear might actually be a bad thing, since Jace isn’t even concerned about all the blood he’s lost.

One of the spider demons spits stuff at Jace, which he manages to dodge, of course. The narration refers to the stuff as “poison”, but given that it burns a hole in Jace’s shirt and some of his skin, I’m thinking it’s really acid.

You Keep Using That Word: 4

It’s not like the two are all that similar, CC.

Well, the spider-thing is pleased by this, so it shoots another jet of “poison” at Jace.

You Keep Using That Word: 5

Jace manages to duck (again), and this time the stuff hits another demon (an Oni, if you’re curious) in the face, which briefly turns this situation into something out of a cartoon, as the Oni grabs the spider demon and they start fighting. This is so distracting that even the other demons stop to watch.

Jace turns to look at Luke, and Luke’s starting to go full-on wolf-man. Luke suggests they try to escape, but Jace thinks they’re doing fine. Then for no apparent reason, he twirls his magic-knife and almost drops it because of how slick his hand is from all the blood. Gee, I’m sure glad he didn’t actually drop it – that might have totally undermined his point.

But before Luke can tell Jace he’s being an idiot, another Oni gets the drop on them – literally. They both hit the ground, and Jace’s magic dagger goes off the side of the boat. Serves you right, asshole.

Meanwhile, the Oni is busy attacking Luke “with the sharp tusks that sprouted from its forehead.”

I believe the word you were looking for was “horns”, CC. Tusks tend to come from the mouth-area, what with them being very big teeth.

You Keep Using That Word: 6

Apparently Luke also lost his dagger (sorry, kindjal)

You Keep Using That Word: 7

when the Oni dropped down on them, only his didn’t end up in the water. Luke tries to grab it, but the Oni distracts him by breaking one of his legs. So instead Jace grabs it and chucks it at the back of the Oni’s neck (and CC finally calls the damn thing a dagger). This somehow manages to decapitate the demon, though I have no idea how that works.

Jace actually shows some concern over Luke’s injury, because even with super-werewolf healing, there’s no way he’ll be able to defend himself against all the demons coming at them.

So Jace starts prepping for a big last stand, and has a brief flash of emotion. It actually takes him a minute to realize he’s not feeling fear, but sorrow. Do I even need to comment on how messed up that is?

Jace thinks about Alec, Isabelle, and Clary, because I guess they’re the only people who actually meant anything to him in life. Not the Lightwoods, who took him into their family, or Max, who idolized him, (or any of his numerous victims NO I’M STILL NOT OVER THAT)? I’d say that’s really kind of sad, but Jace is such an enormous asshole that I’m not really surprised.

Okay, so a big, vaguely-East Asian skeleton demon – it’s covered in Tibetan prayer flags, and yet is armed with a katana (which is italicized, of course)

You Keep Using That Word: 8

comes at them, and Jace flings his last weapon (the dagger he stole from Isabelle) at it. Which has no real effect on the skeleton. I’m not surprised – skeletons reduce all by bludgeoning damage by 5. You’d think the great, amazing, super-Shadowhunter would know that.

The skeleton starts to go for the kill, only for a mysterious gray shadow to pop up from nowhere, block the katana (which is still italicized),

You Keep Using That Word: 9

somehow flip the katana (again, still italicized) around

You Keep Using That Word: 10

and thrust it into the skeleton’s head, killing it. Jace looks around and notices a bunch of other human-shaped figures swarming over the boat. Yep, the cavalry has arrived. And they’re easily taking out the demons. Gee, it’s almost like getting some kind of backup would have been a good idea.

Nah.

The one who saved Jace turns out to be Malik. You remember Malik, right? He was the guy who tried to keep Jace from escaping the Institute by taking out the tires on Luke’s truck, but got stopped for no apparent reason. Anyway, he apologizes to Jace for doing that, despite the fact that Jace was escaping legal incarceration again, but since he’s the Designated Hero, Jace can do no wrong. Jace almost starts to say that all is forgiven, seeing as Malik just saved his life and all, but a bunch of demons come around the corner, and Malik charges after them.

Because I guess having Jace show something like humility would totally ruin his oh-so-heroic image.

Our “Heroes”: 3

Jace (his bloodlust still apparently unsated) starts to follow Malik (despite being unarmed), but gets stopped by another Shadowhunter, this one wearing black. The new Shadowhunter tells Jace to come with them, only for Jace to insist he needs to help Luke. The other Shadowhunter gets frustrated and pulls back their hood, and for some reason says this:

“Now will you do what you’re told, Jonathan?”

And then we’re told that it’s the Inquisitor.

Yeah, I’m not at all surprised by this. I doubt anyone was. Honestly, I’m more surprised by the fact that Jace didn’t immediately identify the Inquisitor by the sound of her voice – it’s not like he’s never spoken to her before. I guess it was to end the scene on a dramatic note.

Un-Logic: 1

Scene break and we’re back with Clary. She considers kicking Valentine, despite the fact that they’re flying through the air, but even when she tries (yeah, the narration is a bit confusing here), she can’t hit anything. Valentine has her in a death grip, yet somehow she can’t kick him.

Wow. That is a whole new level of pathetic.

They get dropped off in another room, where there are four basins, three of which are full, obviously with the blood of the warlock, fairy, and Simon. Of course, I have no idea how big these things are, since they’re only described as being “big enough to wash a dog in,” which really isn’t helpful, considering some dog breeds could probably be washed in a sink, while others would require a full-sized tub.

Whatever. The MacGuffin Sword is also there, and I actually kind of like the description it gets:

a silver sword that glowed with a blackish light, almost an absence of illumination: a radiant, visible darkness.

Once again, I’m forced to wonder at how CC can write stuff like this, yet also describe something “[bending] as easily as a blade of grass bending sideways.” The cognitive dissonance is insane.

Anyway, Clary starts berating Valentine for killing Simon, saying that Simon was, “just a boy, just an ordinary human.” I get that she’s upset, but I can’t help but notice that she doesn’t seem to be at all bothered that he also killed an innocent warlock and a fairy. Once again, the protagonist-centered morality of this world rears its ugly head – it’s only bad because it happened to someone Clary knew/cared about.

Our “Heroes”: 4

Valentine points out that Simon was not, in fact, human, and then says that he’d become a monster, and that Clary didn’t notice because he still looked the same. And again, props to CC for making Valentine sound like a well-written villain, instead of a moustache-twirling cartoon.

Clary counters that Simon was still himself, while also moving towards the MacGuffin Sword and wondering if she’d even be able to lift the thing. Valentine starts going on about how he sympathizes with Clary, referring to his relationship with Luke. Clary says she knows about that, so at least we don’t have to have that bit of exposition dropped again. Valentine says what he did was a mistake, and that he should have killed Luke himself, as that would somehow demonstrate how much he cared.

This sets Clary into a little tirade about how Valentine doesn’t really care about anyone (including her mom and Jace), instead viewing them as possessions. So Valentine quotes the Bible about how love is totally about ownership. Clary says that’s not what that bit means, and how Valentine doesn’t understand the message, but I don’t care.

But then Valentine brings up how Clary and Jace are hot for each other. Clary, of course, denies this, but Valentine points out that it’s pretty damn obvious. He also blames himself and Jocelyn for this, what with the kids being raised separately rather than as siblings, which raises the question of why Jocelyn left her son behind in the first place, rather than taking him with her. I mean, I get that caring for a child while on the lamb would be difficult, especially with her being pregnant and all, but it really makes me wonder about her as a mother.

Huh. Guess she and Luke have something else in common – they both drop serious responsibilities with little to no provocation.

Anyway, Clary is skeptical about all this, so Valentine drops another drama-bomb – you remember when Jace first came to the ship, and saw a dead Clary? Yeah, somehow Valentine inferred from that that Jace’s biggest fear isn’t Clary dying, but his feelings for her.

First, the count.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

This claim is actually kind of funny, considering Jace was the one who proposed that they run off together.

Second, ew. Ew to the power of 10,000.

CC, I get that you apparently get off on this whole “forbidden romance” thing, but please, for the love of all that is holy, stop forcing this down my throat. I know that they’re not really siblings (sorry, spoilers, but it’s not like you couldn’t have guessed that), but that doesn’t somehow retroactively make this not gross.

Cut back to Jace for the last scene of the chapter.

“I don’t do what I’m told,” said Jace. “But I might do what you want if you ask me nicely.”

Doesn’t that line just totally encompass Jace’s character? How, despite being told how brave and wonderful he is, he’s really just a whiny, petulant, spoiled child. We’ve been told that he (and presumably all Shadowhunters) are supposed to be soldiers – hell Alec said as much back in chapter five. And Jace is supposed to be the epitome of what it means to be a Shadowhunter. And yet here he is, stating point-blank that he doesn’t follow orders. Because that’s exactly the kind of behavior you want from a soldier.

Our “Heroes”: 5

The Inquisitor shows remarkable restraint and only glares at Jace. Personally, I would have slapped him upside the head. But then, I would have done that to him several times by now.

Anyway, the Inquisitor says she needs to talk to Jace. He’s incredulous, but she insists. Jace looks around at the fighting going on (evidently things aren’t going too well for the Shadowhunters), and he says that now is really not the time, but the Inquisitor will not be denied, and drags him off to a corner and sets up another magical shield-thing.

Jace concludes that she’s trying to lock him up yet again (which, honestly, I wouldn’t blame her for, considering how easily he could disappear in the chaos), but no, the Inquisitor wants to seek forgiveness for her sins against the Almighty Jace. She admits that Jace was right about Valentine turning down the deal, managed to get the entire Shadowhunter government (or all the Shadowhunter, period, because it’s not terribly clear) together to come here (nice to see that they literally have nothing better to be doing), and that she owes him an apology. Note the difference between his reaction to this apology and Malik’s from before:

“Noted,” said Jace. He hated apologies.

Ah. So Jace will accept an apology from someone who just saved his life (and who he thus owes), but not from someone who seems to legitimately want to make amends. What a forgiving person he is.
Our “Heroes”: 6

Also, note that Jace does not, and has not, apologized for his own bad behavior. You know, how he’s been mouthing off to the Inquisitor pretty much since he first met her?

Our “Heroes”: 7

Jace goes on to ask if Alec and Isabelle are present, and if they’ll be punished for helping him. The Inquisitor says they’re here, and that they won’t be punished. Because I guess helping a criminal escape is fine, so long as said criminal gets exonerated. Sure. I guess the Law is only harsh and inflexible when it serves the purposes of the plot; otherwise, it’s just as vague and ill-defined as the Prime Directive in TOS.

The Inquisitor can’t quite grasp that Valentine cares so little about his own child, suddenly pokes at the hole burnt in Jace’s shirt. Which leads to this exchange:

She jabbed a finger at his shoulder. “When did you get that?”
Jace looked own and saw that the spider demon’s poison had eaten a hole in his shirt, leaving a good deal of his left shoulder bare. “The shirt? At Macy’s. Winter sale.”

Wow, a triple-count! First, the obvious:

Rapier Twit: 2

Really, CC? Is this really the time for this?

Next, the less-than-obvious:

Shoddy World Building: 2

So Jace shops at Macy’s, even knowing their seasonal sales, yet somehow doesn’t know what the Internet is? Make up your damn mind, CC.

Third, again with that word:

You Keep Using That Word: 11

It’s not poison, CC, it’s acid.

But the Inquisitor isn’t talking about the shirt (duh), she’s talking about a scar on Jace’s shoulder. A scar which I don’t recall being mentioned before. Ever. Yet the sight of it makes the Inquisitor freak out, and start going on about how he always thought he was a Wayland, which sets Jace off again, because CC thinks that having her characters be too dense to pick up on her not-at-all-subtle foreshadowing will mean her readers won’t, either.

Jace snaps at the Inquisitor, and storms back into the fighting. The Inquisitor points out that he’s unarmed, and starts to offer him a weapon, only to be interrupted by a giant monkey demon with a scorpion tale popping up from nowhere. It goes for Jace, but the Inquisitor completes the redemption portion of her arc by jumping in the way and killing the thing. As she lays dying, she whispers something to Jace, but we don’t get to hear what, and Jace doesn’t understand, because it would ruin the oh-so-surprising twist in the next book.

Then Alec shows up. He’s taken a severe beating, but is happy to see that Jace is alive. How does Jace respond to this?

“I seem to by,” Jace admitted. “I won’t be for long if you don’t give me a weapon, though.”

By being a complete asshole, of course. Alec gives Jace a spare magic-dagger that he just happened to have, they kill a random demon, and then they talk about their weapons for a bit. Because that’s what we need to be doing right now.

Then Alec notices the Inquisitor’s corpse, and asks about her. When Jace confirms that she’s dead, Alec responds with mournful respect.

Alec’s jaw set. “Good riddance. How’d she get it?”

*Our “Heroes”: 8

Just kidding – he’s an insensitive prick. Which is odd, considering he’s been the most sympathetic to her side of things. Good to know that I shouldn’t bother to try liking any of these characters.

Jace starts to answer the question (no doubt embellishing the gory details and claiming that he actually killed the monkey-scorpion demon), when Isabelle shows up. She runs up to them and tries to go in for a hug from Jace, but Jace tells her not to, because he’s covered in blood. What a nice guy.

Our “Heroes”: 9

Then a random spider demon pops up behind Isabelle and spits poison-that’s-really-acid at her. Isabelle gets hit and screams, but also manages to kill it with her apparently magic whip. Then she passes out. Because I guess we can’t have the female characters being shown to be just as or more competent than the boys! That’s be silly!

Jace passes the wounded and whimpering Isabelle (yes, CC made a particular point of mentioning that) over to Alec, because apparently Alec is the better healer or something. I don’t want to assume that it’s because he’s gay (and therefore feminine), but I can’t help making the connection.

Jace says that they need to get Isabelle off the boat if they want to save her (oh, now you’ll fall back?), and Alec points out that this is pretty much a suicide mission. Then he blames the Inquisitor for all of this, and says that she deserved to die because of it.

Our “Heroes”: 10

And I think I’ve realized why Alec is being such an insensitive ass all of a sudden – it’s so Jace can look good in contrast. Evidently CC is aware of how horrible a person Jace is, and realizes the only way to make him look good is by making everyone around him look bad. Because just writing him as a decent person would ruin his “bad boy” image and/or require actual effort.

Also, how is any of this the Inquisitor’s fault, Alec? Because while you were off screwing and being screwed by your boyfriend and the rest of the dumbass brigade were having a tea party with the fairy queen, the Inquisitor was doing her fucking job and investigating all those murders Valentine was committing while also keeping the Downworlders from killing each other.

And in case you didn’t notice, Jace was being suspicious as fuck! A fact that you might have noticed if you didn’t have your tongue so firmly shoved up Jace’s ass you can taste his tonsils.

If anything, this whole mess is Jace’s fault, because he’s the one who from minute one has refused to cooperate with the Inquisitor in any way whatsoever. He could have offered to spy on Valentine’s operation – Valentine seemed more than willing to spill the beans, after all. Jace could have offered to lead them to this boat. But no, the Inquisitor treated Jace with the suspicion he deserved instead of bowing down and kissing his feet, so clearly she’s the bad guy here.

Fuck you, fuck your family, fuck all the Shadowhunters, and just fuck this whole series in general!

Sorry about that. I’m just so fed up with all the characters shitting on the Scary Sue for literally no reason.

Going back to what I said about making Jace look good, the little prick actually admits that the Inquisitor died taking a hit meant for him. He also mentions the demon’s name, which is curious, as he didn’t recognize it when it first showed up. These two points are only three pages apart – did CC’s editor fall asleep or something?

Two of Valentine’s idiot minion demons show up, which Jace easily dispatches. This really makes me wonder at the competence of the adult Shadowhunters, because I refuse to believe that Jace is really all that gifted at killing demons.

Also, CC still doesn’t know the difference between poison and acid.

You Keep Using That Word: 12

Seriously, just pop in Alien. The xenomorph’s blood is so acidic it eats through several decks.

Hell, if your want to get really technical, it should be venom, not poison, as the substances are meant to harm other creatures.

As Jace comes back, Alec agrees that they need to get Isabelle to safety. Jace agrees (wait, it was his idea in the first place – it was only a few paragraphs ago! Or does she also need to be told to keep her hands out of her pants while doing her job?), but then decides that instead of helping with that, he needs to fight yet another demon. Because he’s a fucking glory-hound. We get an interesting description of said demon (it’s big and bug-like), which leads to this oh-so-brilliant exchange:

Alec sucked in his breath. “What the hell is it?”
Jace thought for a moment. “Big,” he said finally. “Very.”

Rapier Twit: 3

It’s not Jace’s response that bothers me, it’s that it comes after he thinks about it. I mean, it’s not like he had to scour his memory for an answer. Heck, it’s not really all that funny, unlike a similar bit from TOS (skip to ~2:00):

And just for kicks,

No Shit Sherlock: 2

Moving on. Jace looks back at Alec and Isabelle, and feels… something. Not fear, definitely not fear, but just that maybe he should say something like that he loves them in case he or they die. He doesn’t, of course, because that would destroy the whole “bad boy with a heart of gold” thing CC insists he has going on.

Instead, Jace tells Alec to make for the ladder, or they’ll all be dead. Nice.

Alec complies, and apparently Isabelle is now back on her feet, as she’s climbing down the ladder instead of either being carried or dropped over the side. Jace mentally urges Alec to follow, but he doesn’t. Instead, Alec does the more heroic thing and joins Jace.

Well, looks like you’ll have to split the XP from this one, Jace. Suck it up.

Blah blah fighting blah. Jace gets knocked over and his leg falls through a bit of deck weakened by all the “poison” that was getting spat around.

You Keep Using That Word: 13

Acid, you bint! Have you ever heard of acid? Acid!

The bug-monster then goes after Alec, who actually manages to do some damage. Hey, good for you, man – that’s more than you managed last time you went up against something like this!

Then Alec’s weapon gets stuck, he gets bitch-slapped, and the giant bug gets ready to eat him.

Oh, right, I totally forgot – no Shadowhunter is allowed to show-up Jace. And since Simon is dead (at least for now – what did you really expect him to be perma-dead?), there’s really no hope.

Isabelle screams off-stage, because she’s utterly useless. Actually, what’s she screaming about, anyway? I’d think she wouldn’t be able to see any of this.

Jace manages to free his leg and get his weapon and switches it back on. The demon-bug sees the light and for some reason backs off. Weird – I’d expect a bug-monster to be attracted to a bright light. Also, it stops trying to eat Alec… for some reason. Oh, but it does chuck Alec across the deck, and he slides off the ship.

Man, Alec just can’t get a break. I’d feel sorry for him if CC would just stop making him say and do incredibly offensive things to make Jace/Clary look good.

Isabelle screams some more (again, because she’s useless). Jace gets pissed and chucks his weapon at the bug-demon, which kills it. Once again, this leads me to believe that these things really aren’t that tough. It’s like playing an RPG and going into an area you’re obscenely over-leveled for – it’s not that you’re that good, it’s that the enemies just aren’t that much of a threat.

Anyway, the deck collapses beneath Jace, and the chapter ends.

I honestly don’t know how to feel about this chapter.

On the one hand, actually getting to see (or at least be aware of) Shadowhunters other than Jace doing their thing is great. Or at least it is in theory, because we don’t really get to see much of it. It’s not helped by the fact that Jace’s behavior is more or less the same as it is in any fight – run straight for the enemy and rely on his status as main character to protect him. On top of that, there’s CC’s very clunky bit of foreshadowing from the Inquisitor, followed by her death so no actual answers can be provided, and Alec’s sudden vehement hatred for her.

And then there’s the stuff with Clary, which to me looks to be a repeat of what happened to Jace in the last book, but without the mistaken assumption about Valentine’s identity. And honestly, does Valentine really believe that Clary will switch to his side? If so, he’s not doing a good job of convincing her, what with the kidnapping and killing her friend. The closest he gets is maybe implying that he, her, Jace and Jocelyn can be a family, but given that he’s clearly aware of the fact that his kids want to boink each other (something even he seems to disapprove of), that’s not much of a sales pitch.

Next chapter is the last one, followed by the epilogue. The end is within sight.

See y’all next time.

Counts

Entirely Pointless: 1 (Total: 40)
Un-Logic: 1 (Total: 56)
You Keep Using That Word: 13 (Total: 91)
Shoddy World Building: 2 (Total: 39)
Rapier Twit: 3 (Total: 67)
Our “Heroes”: 10 (Total: 151)
No Shit Sherlock: 2 (Total: 14)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 13 (Total: 105)
A Word from Our Sponsors: 0 (Total: 9)

Comment [6]

Okay, folks, this is it – the last actual chapter of City of Ashes. But before we get to that, we have to do the recap. Cue the music!

Last time, Clary got dropped off with Maia, and learned that Simon definitely-totally-for-reals dead. After using a bit of magic pulled directly from the author’s posterior, Clary managed to melt a hole in the wall, allowing both girls to escape. Unfortunately, Valentine dropped in on the completely oblivious Clary and dragged her off to have a father-daughter chat.

Meanwhile, Jace and Luke made their way to Valentine’s boat, which they discovered was swarming with demons. We also learned that the super-special-awesome Fearless rune basically turns off common sense, because Jace decided that the best thing to do in this situation was to fight said demons head-on. The two managed to hold their own for a while, until the other Shadowhunters showed up and joined the fight.

Jace got dragged off to a corner by the Inquisitor, who tried to make amends, but Jace was having none of it (because he’s so kind and loving, and totally not petty and vindictive). The Inquisitor noticed some mark on Jace that’s never been mentioned before (despite CC’s obsession with describing every inch of him her YA classification will allow), and coming to a realization that she didn’t get to share, because otherwise it would ruin the forced-drama of Clary/Jace. And to complete her redemption arc, the Inquisitor took a stinger to the chest for Jace, and act which earned her contempt and scorn from Alec for some reason.

Also, CC does not understand the difference between poison and acid.

Okay, now that that’s done, let’s get this thing done.

Once again, we’re with Clary and Valentine. Clary’s asserting that she totally doesn’t want to bone Jace, and that he’s only trying to hurt her, and that if he were really their father, he’d be angry about it, and then says that Luke is her real father. Valentine says that the only reason Clary thinks of Luke that way is because of the relationship between Luke and her mom. To which Clary responds with this:

“Their _relationship?_” Clary laughed out loud. “Luke and my mother are friends.”

So I guess it’s not just feelings directed at herself that Clary’s oblivious to. Which, in retrospect, makes her somehow figuring out that Alec has the hots for Jace all the more curious.

Even Valentine is momentarily shocked by how dense his daughter is and has to take a minute to recover, and then explains that there’s no way Luke would put up with all that crap for someone he’s just friends with. And on the one hand, Valentine is really demeaning how deep a non-romantic relationship can be (much like some authors I could name). But on the other hand, it is pretty damn obvious, and a bit remarkable that Clary hadn’t figured this out on her own.

So Clary goes off about how Valentine is just assigning “ugly motives” to everyone’s actions, because those are the only kind he can understand, because Evil Cannot Comprehend Good and all that.

Valentine points out that there’s nothing “ugly” about love, and then starts talking about how, because Luke is a werewolf, he’s not really human, so he isn’t really capable of feeling things like love, and if Clary just searched her feelings, she’d know it’s true. Clary asserts that Luke is just as human as she is (yeah, maybe not the right answer, Clar-bear), and that Valentine’s a bigot. Personally, I would have pointed out that Luke wasn’t born a werewolf, and becoming one shouldn’t suddenly change how he thinks or behaves, despite what Laurell K. Hamilton seems to think.

So Valentine drops this big speech about how he’s totally not a bigot, that I think you guys really need to see first-hand:

“Oh, no,” Valentine said. “I’m anything but that.” He moved a little closer to her, and she stepped in front of the Sword, blocking it from his view. “You think of me that way because you look at me and at what I do through the lens of your mundane understanding of the world. Mundane humans create distinctions between themselves, distinctions that seem ridiculous to any Shadowhunter. Their distinctions are based on race, religion, national identity, any of a dozen minor and irrelevant markers. To mundanes these seem logical, for though mundanes cannot see, understand, or acknowledge the demon worlds, still somewhere buried in their ancient memories, they know that there are those that walk this earth that are other. That do not belong, that mean only harm and destruction. Since the demon threat is invisible to mundanes, they must assign the threat to others of their own kind. They place the face of their enemy onto the face of their neighbor, and thus are generations of misery assured.” He took another step toward her, and Clary instinctively moved backward; she was pressed up against the footlocker now. “I’m not like that,” he went on. “I can see the truth of it. Mundanes see as through a glass, darkly, but Shadowhunters— we see face-to-face. We know the truth of evil, and know that while it walks among us, it is not of us. What does not belong to our world must not be allowed to take root here, to grow like a poisonous flower and extinguish all life.”

Yeah. Allow me to try and sift through that to figure out what he’s actually saying:

- He’s not racist, he just thinks that demons and anything even tangentially related to them is evil, and must be exterminated. Which is like saying that you’re not racist, but you do think that members of Minority Group X are just naturally stupider/lazier/more violent/inferior/whatever, and they deserve to be treated badly because of it. Also, it once again completely contradicts his modus operandi for this book, i.e. summoning an army of demons, which would, by his own logic, make him evil and corrupted. – Mundanes are stupid and bigoted because they divide themselves into arbitrary categories, because we somehow know deep down that demons exist, and that Shadowhunters are better because they’re aware that demons exist. Which also kinda contradicts his whole “I’m not a bigot” message, considering how just about every Shadowhunter (including Valentine) treats mundanes as being inferior.

I’m sure CC intended for this to prove how charismatic and manipulative Valentine is, but like a number of half-assed con-artists, his points can’t really stand up to actual scrutiny.

Clary, of course, starts to fall for Valentine’s speech, and the only thing that keeps her from switching sides right then and there is her remembering that Luke’s not a demon. Which sets Valentine on a rambling tirade, which I’ll sum up for you guys, because I’m feeling merciful.

He starts off with how Clary only thinks Downworlders are nice because she’s met a few seemingly nice ones, which of course makes her biased, and her only real encounters with demons (all under Valentine’s command, natch) were with violent monstrous ones, but that there are smarter, subtler, and all-around nastier ones out there, too. And then he starts telling a story about some demon in London who disguised itself as a big-time financier, and was smart enough to always be around people, because I guess there’s supposed to be some rule about maintaining the masquerade or something. Yet this demon somehow also managed to regularly get small animals and even children delivered to it, which it would then eat alive over several days.

Okay, on the one hand, that is a legitimately frightening demon, and the story of it being taken down would be pretty interesting. So why the hell aren’t we getting to read that?

However, I’m left wondering how this demon managed to eat live animals or children without drawing unwanted attention from regular people. Unless Valentine didn’t want to kill the people who were bringing it animals and kids to eat, which I find a bit doubtful. Also, I doubt the Clave would have a problem with such people being killed – if they didn’t already know about all the supernatural stuff, they still probably knew too much, and had been working for a child-eating demon.

Shoddy World Building: 1

Because as interesting as all that is, it just ends up raising a lot of questions, which I doubt CC has any intention of answering.

Meanwhile, Clary’s been trying to get Valentine to stop, because seriously, dude, we get the point.

Then Valentine starts going on about how Clary’s mom set up a whole fake life for them both, completely ignoring the existence of demons and whatnot, and he’s “[pulled her] free of the lie.”

Yeah, hate to tell you dude, but Wesley Snipes did it better in Blade back in 1998:

In fact, all the Blade movies do a better job depicting a world were supernatural creatures secretly live in the real world.

Clary points out that Valentine’s the only one responsible for what’s happened to her, and he makes some half-assed excuse about how it’s not his fault that her life’s gotten rough, because her mother totally should have told her about all this stuff.

Yeah, I don’t know why Valentine thinks that argument might work. It’s not like demons were actively looking for Clary or her mom. If Valentine hadn’t decided to show up when he did (and hey, why did he decide to suddenly begin enacting his Evil Scheme^TM^ at that point anyway?), Clary would still be living a normal life. Yes, Jocelyn might have to eventually explain what was going on (if only to keep Clary from thinking she was nuts when Magnus’s brain-futzing wore off), but that wouldn’t have prevented Clary from trying to go on with her life as it was.

Clary momentarily thinks of bringing up him kidnapping Jocelyn, but doesn’t. And once again, CC tries claim all this is somehow demonstrates that Valentine is a master debater (hee hee), because disagreeing with him will some how imply she’s okay with child-eating demons. Because apparently Clary’s never heard of a false dichotomy, which is exactly what this is – either you think all demons and Downworlders should be exterminated, or you’re okay with demons doing horrible things like eating children, and there are no other options. But I guess realizing that would require a degree of critical thinking Clary and/or CC isn’t capable of/comfortable with.

So finally Clary asks what he wants her to do. Valentine is frankly surprised that she thinks he wants her to do anything. Gee, I don’t know, maybe because you A) had her captured and brought to your boat, and B) have gone on this whole spiel trying to convince her to join you?

But no, Valentine only intends to swap Clary for Maia.

…

whaaaaaaa????

…

But… you already have Maia. You could have killed her a long time ago. You could have killed both her and Simon and completed your little ritual while the rest of the Shadowhunters had their thumbs shoved firmly up their asses! And yet, for some reason, you chose to wait.

Look, I get it – Valentine is supposed to be like Voldemort, and Voldemort always seemed to wait until the end of the school year to enact his plans, even when doing so made no sense. It’s perhaps one of the biggest flaws with the Harry Potter series. But Valentine didn’t have to wait – in fact, had he not made the inexplicable choice to wait to complete his ritual, he wouldn’t have to trade Clary for Maia in the first place.

And this still doesn’t explain why he had Clary grabbed to begin with, because that happened long before the Shadowhunters began their attack, and Maia was still trapped in that random hole.

God, this book already has plot holes you could drive a semi through, but a friggin’ supertanker could fit through this one!

Un-Logic: 1

Anyway, Clary says that the Shadowhunters totally won’t trade Maia for her, but Valentine explains that not only are the Shadowhunters racist as fuck, but they actually made this particular circumstance part of the rules. Why am I supposed to like them, again?

Valentine then claims this totally proves he’s just like the Clave. I’m inclined to disagree – there’s a difference between valuing a young Shadowhunter’s life over that of a young Downworlder, and saying that all Downworlders should be killed. It’s not much better, I’ll admit, but there is a difference.

Valentine starts moving toward Clary, and she finally decides to grab the MacGuffin sword and points it at Valentine, closing out the scene. About damn time she actually did something, if you ask me.

The next scene has us with Jace. If you’ll recall, last time we saw him, he was falling though a hole in the deck. Unfortunately, he does not plummet to his death, and instead lands on a convenient catwalk. Doesn’t grab the rail, or even have to scramble to keep from falling. Because of course he doesn’t.

Anyway, we get a description of the ship’s interior – it’s hollow (uh, what else would it be?), and there’s a maze of catwalks leading all over the place. It’s also really dark, so I’m forced to wonder how Jace can see the aforementioned maze of catwalks. Chalk that up to poor editing, I guess.

Jace pulls out his magic glow rock and conveniently finds Clary’s not-wand. Of course, he has to take a minute to figure out its hers, because he has to think about how odd it is that it’s here, and he needs to feel Clary’s energy or something to tell that it’s hers. Because he’s so familiar with her aura or whatever. Sure.

I guess having the totally-not-at-all wands actually looking unique would be too much like Harry Potter.

Suddenly, Jace here’s someone laughing, and sees a figure at the end of the catwalk. He asks that said figure identify themselves. They don’t, but Jace still feels like he’s being laughed at, so responds exactly how you’d expect him to – by going for his weapons.

Luckily for the Mysterious Figure, Jace apparently dropped his last magic knife when he fell. Which just further proves my point about how throwing weapons is a dumb idea.

But then Jace has this thought:

But what had his father always taught him? Used correctly, almost anything could be a weapon.

Yeah, CC, stuff like this kind of undermines the whole “Jace is a good guy and totally not working for Valentine” thing. Also the “Jace is totally not a violent sociopath” thing.

So Jace starts moving toward the Mysterious Figure, taking in all the possible bits of terrain he can use in a fight, including a bit of metal he could impale them on.

See my previous “violent sociopath” comment.

Then the Mysterious Figure turns and starts walking away, and Jace sees a flash of white hair. He freezes in place and asks if it’s Valentine. And the scene ends.

I have a few things to say about this before moving on. First, it is an interesting situation, or at least it would be if we weren’t absolutely certain it’s not Valentine, because we just saw him talking with Clary. The fact that the reader knows it’s Valetine’s pet shape-shifting demon might lead to some tension, or at least it would if we didn’t also know that Jace is immune to its powers.

Second, I find it interesting that Jace only drops his plan to attack when he thinks it might be Valentine. Again, way to undermine what you’ve been saying about your character, CC.

Back to the book. Next up in the POV rotation is Alec. Last time we saw him, he’d fallen off the side of the boat and was drowning. As evidenced by the fact that we’re in his POV, he’s alive.

We’re told that the first thing he notices is that he’s cold, followed by the fact that he can’t breathe. Personally, I’d think it’d be the other way around, given how a body tends to respond when unable to breathe. Alec coughs up water and he’s fine.

Now that he’s not going to die, he looks around and realizes he’s in the bed of a truck, which we know is Luke’s. Turns out Magnus saved him. Alec asks Magnus what happened, and Magnus’s response is in top form:

“You tried to drink the East River,” Magnus said, and Alec saw, as if for the first time, that Magnus’s clothes were soaking wet too, sticking to his body like a dark second skin. “I pulled you out.”

Alec thinks back over what he last saw, particularly that Isabelle had almost fallen off the boat as well. He asks after her, and Magnus says she got picked up by another boat. Because again, she’s served her purpose, so CC can shuffle her off stage.

Magnus is concerned that Alec might have a concussion, but all Alec wants to do is get back to the fight:

“I need to get back to the battle.” Alec pushed his hand away. “You’re a warlock. Can’t you, I don’t know, fly me back to the boat or something? And fix my concussion while you’re at it?”

Our “Heroes”: 1

Wow, dude. Look, I get that you’re worried about Jace and all, but could you take maybe ten seconds to say, “thanks for saving my life, Magnus”? Yes, this relationship is kinda messed up, what with Alec trying to keep it secret from everyone, and Magnus knocking him out when Alec was about to tell his parents about them, but would it kill you to be nice to Magnus in this one instance?

Well, Magnus slumps against the side of the truck, and we get a random description of his eyes.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

(Because it just feels like I should, you know?)

Alec apologizes, but is still putting getting back to the fight at the top priority. He also admits that Magnus helping him would just be a favor, but Magnus interrupts to basically say he’s helping because he’s in love with Alec (though he doesn’t actually say that, just heavily implies it).

Alec starts to reply in kind, but apparently the in-grained Shadowhunter homophobia is too strong, and he just says that he needs to get back to Valentine’s ship.

I’ll admit, I actually kind of like that last bit. While Alec’s entire character might revolve around his sexual orientation, at least we’re getting to see him struggle with his feelings conflicting with how he was raised.

(Spoiler: Unfortunately, it’s all for nothing, as said in-grained homophobia conveniently disappears in the next book)

Magnus says that he’d help, but he’s too drained to do anything. At most, he can ensure that the truck can get back to dry land before he passes out and the spell wears off.

Alec is surprised by this, and we get another description of Magnus, mostly to point out how, despite looking eternally nineteen (which is an specific age, CC), right now he looks exhausted. Alec offers his hands, and tells Magnus to take some of his energy to help fight Valentine. Because apparently warlocks can do stuff like that. Would have been nice to learn that earlier, because as-is, this looks like something CC pulled from her butt.

Shoddy World Building: 2

Magnus is surprised by the offer, but Alec points out that Magnus is just as involved in fighting Valentine as the Shadowhunters are, and reasserts his offer, ending the scene.

Well, I guess that wasn’t too bad, all things considered.

Next scene has us back with Jace. Great.

Valentine (or his pet demon disguised as him, but for simplicity’s sake, we’ll play along for now) is smiling at Jace, and wearing black armor, so I guess he’s in Vader-knockoff mode. Jace wants to know where Clary is, and Valentine says she defied him and he taught her a lesson. Which doesn’t really answer Jace’s question, but it does set him off, so he doesn’t notice. Jace asks what Valentine did, and Valentine says it wasn’t anything permanent.

Now, I would expect Jace to attack Valentine at this point – hell, I’d expect anyone to attack Valentine after that line. So imagine my surprise when Jace simply demands to see Clary.

I’m sure CC intended for this to demonstrate how Jace is in control, but given that Valentine just admitted that he hurt Jace’s sister/love interest, possibly to an almost fatal degree, I’d expect Jace to respond violently. I mean, this is the guy who took out his anger and frustration at being kicked out of his home by starting a fight with an innocent pack of werewolves (NO I HAVE STILL NOT FORGOTTEN THAT!), and yet here he has a legitimate excuse to get violent, and he’s just sitting there.

Again, really not helping the “Jace isn’t on Valentine’s side” argument.

Valentine is a bit surprised that Jace wants to see Clary, given that there’s still fighting going on, and the one thing Jace loves almost as much as himself is killing things. He also says that the Shadowhunters are going to lose. Jace is skeptical of that last bit, and Valentine explains that he can always summon more demons, so he’ll win by attrition alone. He also mentions the Inquisitor’s death.

Jace asks how he knows about that, so Valentine claims he’s aware of everything that’s happened. Which you’d think would be a big tip-off to Jace that he’s not talking to Valentine, but then, Jace is about as sharp as a butter knife. And not-Valentine distracts him by pointing out that it’s Jace’s fault the Inquisitor got killed.

The narration implies that Jace is really bothered by this claim, but I have trouble believing it.

Fake Valentine goes on to point out how Jace’s presence is the only reason the other Shadowhunters are here, and that they wouldn’t have come to rescue Simon and Maia, which I am inclined to believe. However, this ignores the possibility of the Shadowhunters coming simply to stop or capture Valentine, but since this is just the Poké-demon playing on Jace’s fears, I’m willing to let it slide.

At the mention of the captured Downworlders, we get this reaction from Jace:

Jace had almost forgotten. “Simon and Maia—”

Two things:

First, we have an actual trait that Jace and Clary share – they completely forget about Simon’s existence if they aren’t regularly reminded.

Second, I really, really doubt that Jace gives a shit about rescuing either of them, save that doing so A) thwarts Valentine’s plans, and B) makes him look good to Clary. Remember, this is the guy who shrugged off the murder of an innocent young werewolf that happened not fifty feet away (NOPE, STILL NOT OVER THAT EITHER!).

Anyway, store-brand Valentine says that both Simon and Maia are dead, and then goes on to talk about Jace realizing something. Jace assumes they’re rehashing some earlier talk, presumably just like the one Valentine-classic has been giving to Clary. Jace even admits that he’s definitely right about demons, and probably right about the Clave. Which again kind of undermines the “Jace isn’t on Valentine’s side” argument. Way to go, CC.

But no, that’s not what the Asylum’s Valentine means. He means that they’re exactly the same!

Jace doesn’t want to believe this, so Valentine-lite stars listing off points: he made Jace what he is (i.e. a younger version of himself); they’re equally arrogant; they’re both brave (again, using performance enhancers is cheating); and they both have a knack for convincing others to put their lives at risk for them.

The aforementioned performance enhancing rune is going nuts, not that Jace notices, and he refutes the bit about wanting people to die for him. And Diet Valentine gives this wonderfully insightful statement:

“No. You do. You like knowing that Alec and Isabelle would die for you. That your sister would. The Inquisitor did die for you, didn’t she, Jonathan? And you stood by and let her—”

Yeah, I’m going to have to agree with the demonic shape shifter on this one. Even if Jace doesn’t actively want people to die to help him, it’s not as if he’s ever demonstrated an unwillingness to manipulate and use people, particularly those close to him – like I’ve said before, Jace is a sociopath.

We’ve never seen him help someone or do something because it’s the right thing to do – he’s only ever done things that either serve his aims or make him look good. Killing demons makes him look good to other Shadowhunters (as mentioned by Isabelle in the first book); helping rescue Simon from vampires made him look good to Clary. Heck, the only apparent reason he’s against Valentine – despite agreeing with him, as we’ve seen in this book and this chapter in particular – is because more people would dislike him for it.

Real heroes (whether fictional or otherwise) are the ones who do the right thing simply because it’s the right thing to do. There’s a trope exploring this called What You Are in the Dark – essentially, the hero is offered the choice to do something that would benefit them, but is either evil or at least morally questionable; however, there’s no way anyone would ever find out about it. In most cases, the hero does the right thing, because they’re the hero.

Jace does not strike me as the kind of person who would do the right thing.

Sorry for that tangent.

Jace goes full Luke-in-Empire, vehemently denying that he’s anything like Valentine, while caffeine-free Valentine insists that they are. Jace breaks off a bit of metal railing and stabs faux-Valentine in the chest. He collapses to the floor (wow, that was easy), and for a minute Jace thinks that he’s killed the real Valentine.

Wait, when did he ever think he wasn’t talking to the real Valentine?

Anyway, the corpse crumbles in the oh-so-convenient way they tend to in these kinds of works, nicely clearing Jace’s conscience. He then pokes at where the cheating Fearless rune was drawn on him, and the skin feels hot. And it’s only now that Jace realizes he was talking to Valentine’s pet demon.

No Shit Sherlock: 1

What, do you think that bodies usually crumble to dust seconds after a person dies?

Jace falls to his knees, and the scene ends.

The next scene picks up a few minutes later, because I guess Jace realizing that obviously-not-Valentine wasn’t Valentine was such a dramatic revelation that the readers would also need a minute to recover.

A Word From Our Sponsors: 1

Man, Old Spice makes the best commercials.

Anyway, Jace gets up and starts moving, and is smart enough to not throw away the one weapon he actually has, as well as assuming that the big nasty fear demon isn’t dead.

(Side note: I recently got back to my second play-through of Dragon Age: Inquisition, and the the ginormous fear demon Nightmare) is way more frightening than this thing, even if does just look like a giant spider. Because it’s a spider the size of a friggin’ mountain.)

Jace wanders around for a bit, and thinks about how the ship’s interior (catwalks, exposed pipes, etc.) totally doesn’t fit with Valentine’s usual aesthetics. Because you can judge the aesthetic style of a ship’s interior by wandering through its bowels – just like how you can judge a house by its basement.

Finally, something vaguely interesting happens – Jace notices a spot of fresh blood on the floor, and several more spots of blood leading off in one direction, which the narration helpfully compares to “a trail of bread crumbs in a fairy tale.”

Uh, no, CC, it’s not “like” a trail – it is a trail. It doesn’t need to be explained.

And just for that, I’m giving you one of these:

No Shit Sherlock: 2

Jace does the obvious thing and follows the trail, which leads him to a door, which he opens. I just summed up two whole paragraphs of activity. You’re welcome.

Jace goes in and starts investigating. The room is cold, and there’s a lot of blood, which to me says that Valentine is really sloppy about draining blood from his victims. Maybe he should have watched a few episodes of Dexter.

Also, because the blood makes a sucking noise when Jace walks through it, I’m forced to conclude that CC doesn’t understand that, despite sounding similar, blood and mud are two very different substances.

Jace walks through the spilled blood because he see’s a body and goes to investigate. To absolutely no one’s surprise, it’s Simon. Jace is… I don’t think ‘upset’ is the right word, because he’s mostly thinking about how Clary will react to this news.

CC apparently decides that now is the best time to explain how her vampires work, because Jace has a flashback to when he was ten and Valentine told him the various ways to kill vampires – you know, your typical father-son bonding activity. The methods are: stake (presumably to the heart, but who knows?); cut off their head and set it on fire (which seems a bit redundant); burn them with sunlight; and drain their blood.

I kid, though. I don’t have any real problem with any of these methods – the weaknesses of and method of permanently kill vampires vary from culture to culture. Some go with the standard stake-to-the-heart (though the wood tends to vary), others go with removing the head. Some vampires can’t cross running water, or have OCD.

(The novel An Unattractive Vampire does a great job exploring different traditions, and how they differ from more modern takes. And I will totally be writing up a review of that once I’ve finished this book.)

Anyway, Jace does a somewhat decent thing and tries to make Simon somewhat presentable for when Clary inevitably sees the body, when Simon twitches. Yep, turns out he was only mostly dead. So Jace freaks out a bit and thinks about what kind of living hell Simon must be in for a minute before concluding that maybe he should give Simon some blood so he can get better.

So Jace uses the no-doubt rusty bit of metal he was carrying as a make-shift weapon (hope he’s up-to-date on he tetanus shot) to cut his writs open lengthwise (which is really stupid if he has any intention of not bleeding out) and tries to force-feed Simon. Simon’s reaction is more or less the same as when he first rose from the grave, which you’d think Jace would expect, seeing as he was there and all – he clamps down on Jace’s arm and just keeps sucking even when Jace tells him to stop. And once he has enough energy to move again, he knocks Jace over and goes for his neck.

The next bit is more or less standard fare for modern takes on vampires when feeding, so I’ll just skip it. However, I will say that this lends a good bit of fuel to anyone who shipped Jace/Simon – say what you like about CC, but at least she’s an equal opportunity ship-teaser.

Unfortunately, Simon doesn’t just drain Jace dry, and instead manages to pull back before it’s too late, and we get this little exchange:

Simon took his hand away from his mouth. The fangs were gone. “I could have killed you,” he said. There was a sort of pleading in his voice.
“I would have let you,” said Jace.

Yeah, I really doubt that. Jace is far too in love with himself to actually risk his life, let alone sacrifice it, for anyone. Also, note how this takes the focus away from Simon overcoming his new instincts and instead makes Jace the big hero for… bleeding on him.

A sacrifice which is immediately undermined by Jace casting a healing spell on himself and making it all better. Then he tells Simon, who is still freaking out about what he almost did, to get moving, ending the scene.

Sorry to do another sidebar so soon, but I have to point out how over powered Shadowhunter runes are. Let’s just take this one example – Jace has been fighting presumably for an hour or more, on top of escaping from the Institute and having to swim to Valentine’s boat, and then just lost quite a bit of blood. Just drawing the rune is described as being difficult. And yet, once it’s done, Jace seems to be just fine. That just seems way too easy to me. Magic systems need to have limits, otherwise what possible challenge is there?

I’m sure I’ve brought up Sanderson’s Laws, specifically the First, which is about “hard” and “soft” magic. Both have their benefits and impose certain restrictions on your writing. Hard magic has clearly defined rules and limitations, but so long as those rules and limits are maintained and followed, the writing will work. Soft magic doesn’t have defined rules and limits, but that means the writer has to be super careful when they use it, lest it feel like a deus ex machina.

The problem is that CC can’t seem to decide which on her rune magic is. She clearly wants it to look like hard magic, and uses it as such, but her refusal to establish any kind of rules or limitations makes it look like soft magic, and the constant use of it with no apparent drawbacks pushes it into deus ex machina territory, as demonstrated by Jace magically fixing all his wounds and injuries with a simple healing rune, or Clary easily devising the anti-fear rune.

Okay, next scene, back with Clary. In case you’ve forgotten (I know I did), last time we saw her, Clary had finally managed to do something vaguely useful, namely grabbing the MacGuffin sword.

Well, now we get to see how utterly pointless that was, because she drops it right when this scene starts.

… I have now words. Only this

and this.

Clary Fray, ladies and gentlemen! The anthropomorphic personification of “Fail”.

No, I don’t care that a “searing blast of cold” shot up her arm when she picked the sword up, because she still dropped it right away.

Valentine swoops in and grabs the sword, gloats about how S-M-R-T he was, and then verbally face-palms over his daughter’s stupidity, and how “only one” of his kids seems to get him.

Clary responds to this by saying that Jace also hates him, because this is how CC does foreshadowing.

Valentine gets pissed and points the sword at Clary, and then for no apparent reason starts talking about her mother. Because I guess he doesn’t know that villainous monologues just give the heroes more time to stop you. But then again, given the heroes in these books, he’s probably justified in his leisurely pace.

So Valentine complains about how Jocelyn betrayed him or whatever, how all she ever told Clary about him was that he was dead, and how she never told Clary about being a Shadowhunter, and then we get this:

“Do you know why,” Valentine said, looking down the length of the Sword at her, “your mother left me?”
Tears burned the back of Clary’s throat. She made a choking noise. “You mean there was only one reason?”

On the one hand, good comeback, Clary. On the other, why would she be holding back tears? If anything, I’d expect it to be laughter. And don’t tell me she’s getting all weepy because they’re talking about her mom – this is the girl who couldn’t be bothered to spend time with her in the hospital, despite having nothing else to do.

So Valentine explains that Jocelyn felt Valentine had “turned her first child into a monster” and wasn’t going to let him do the same thing to Clary, but woops! Turns out it was too late for that.

Clary asserts that Jocelyn would never say that about her kids, and that she and Jace aren’t monsters. Well, first, given how little you actually seem to know about your mother, I kind of doubt you can speak with any real authority on the matter, Clary. And second, the fact that you’ve wanted nothing more than to jump Jace’s bones from the minute you saw him does not somehow negate all his horrible qualities, despite what CC seems to think.

Valentine starts to explain what the hell he meant, because he’s not only a cliché villain, he’s an old cliché villain, but gets interrupted by Jace and Simon bursting in though previously-unmentioned trapdoor in the ceiling.

How convenient.

Oh, and you guys have to see how Jace’s entrance is described. It’s… something:

The first, Clary saw with a bright shock of relief, was Jace, falling through the air like an arrow shot from a bow, sure of its target.

Seriously, what the fuck is that?

First off, “falling” is neither a word I associate with arrows being shot, nor does it imply the kind of speed or grace CC was clearly going for. “Flying” would have done it, but “falling”? If anything, that implies a complete lack of grace.

You Keep Using That Word: 1

Second, CC, please, for the love of god, drop this whole “Jace as an arrow” thing. It kinda worked the first time, when it was a metaphor (Jace as weapon used against the Clave), but after that, when it suddenly became almost literal? Then it just became stupid.

Third, an arrow cannot be “sure of its target” because A) it’s not alive, and B) it doesn’t aim itself.

Also, I’m pretty sure Jace does a superhero landing. First, this:

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

For telling us how fast and graceful and light he is. Also, this:

Because why the hell not?

Oh, and Simon’s landing is almost as good, but not quite as smooth as Jace’s, because no one is allowed to be cooler than Jace. Ever.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

Also, it’s only now that Clary realizes it’s Simon. I won’t criticize her for it, as she did have every reason (in this case, a single account from a clearly traumatized teenage girl) to believe he was dead. I will, however, criticize CC if she expected her readers to be amazed at this turn of events. I’ll admit I’m a bit curious as to how Jace and Simon managed to find this particular room, but that’s mostly because the weird way CC arranged the scenes in this chapter (really, the whole book) gives some confusing implications about the temporal relationship between said scenes.

Clary starts crying, and as soon as Valentine stops pointing the sword at her, she collapses to the floor.

Our “Heroes”: 2

At this point, I’m not even surprised.

Okay, so it’s the last chapter, and the heroes and the villain are finally in the same room. You’d think the big climactic fight would start now, right?

Well, you’d be wrong, because instead of that, we get more talking.

Jace is angry that Valentine might have hurt Clary, and Valentine is pissed the Simon is still alive. Or not completely dead. Simon weakly snarks at Valentine, which pisses Jace off, because no one upstages Jace. Jace explains about him feeding Simon his blood, which really pisses Valentine off. Simon’s really raring for a fight, and Valentine finally starts paying attention to him.

Then Clary decides to contribute and tells them that Maia is still alive, so Valentine hasn’t completed his ritual.

This also makes Valentine mad (big surprise) and he does… something that smacks her into the wall. The best explanation I can come up with is a force push.

Simon tries to attack Valentine, but Valentine summons some weird magic fire or something (seriously, when did he become a friggin’ wizard?) and drives Simon back. Now that that bit of excitement is taken care of, we can return to the talking.

Valentine offers to take Jace back if he kills Simon. Jace says no. Valentine restates his offer. Jace says that he saw Valentine’s pet fear demon, and that he killed it. Personally, I doubt that, as I thought you needed either a magic Shadowhunter weapon or direct sunlight to take a demon down, neither of which Jace had. And if he did take it down with a bit of rusty pipe, then again, that makes Agramon look pretty pathetic.

Valentine is not skeptical of this, so I guess the big bad fear demon really was that pathetic. Instead, he’s baffled that Jace would kill a big nasty demon, but won’t hurt a relatively harmless and definitely pacified vampire.

Valentine looks like he’s about to throw down with Jace, and for some reason we get weird fake-out from Jace, and he tosses Clary her magic not-wand. And because Valentine hasn’t been forced to watch all the filler crap that went on in part two, he’s completely baffled.

But Clary isn’t, or at least she has an idea, or CC just went “fuck it, it’s the end of the book, time to wrap this up,” because Clary picks it up, stumbles over to the wall, and furiously starts drawing just like last time. Again, she has no real plan or idea of what she’s drawing, so it’s just her oh-so-convenient magic powers doing all the actual work.

And apparently everyone was so engrossed by this that they decided to just sit and stare, because despite having no reason to not start fighting, the other three just stood there, staring, until she finishes. And this is the reaction we get:

It was Simon who spoke, turning to Jace. “What does it say?”
But it was Valentine who answered, not taking his eyes from the wall. There was a look on his face— not at all the look Clary had expected, a look that mixed triumph and horror, despair and delight. “It says,” he said, “‘Mene mene tekel upharsin.’”
Clary staggered to her feet. “That’s not what it says,” she whispered. “It says open.”

[sigh]

Okay, let’s address Valentine’s response. For those who don’t know, that particular phrase comes from the story of Belshazzar’s feast from the Book of Daniel.

Basically, in the middle of a feat hosted by the Babylonian King Belshazzar, the king decides to use the sacred vessels they took from Jerusalem to drink from, and suddenly a weird hand pops out of nowhere and writes that phrase (in Aramaic) on the wall. The king summons his advisors and wise men to figure out what it means, but they’re stumped. Eventually, they bring in Daniel, who not only tells them what it means (they’re various monetary weights) but also interprets their meaning. In short, the Babylonians are screwed, and their empire will soon be conquered by the Persians (which it was). And for some inexplicable reason, Daniel is rewarded for telling them this. Don’t ask me how that works.

It’s a nice bit of propaganda sucking up to the Persians. It’s also the origin of the phrase “the writing’s on the wall”.

Now, here’s my problem with this response – why? Why does Valentine respond like that? Despite what CC might think, people generally aren’t all that eloquent when they’re freaked out, which Valentine clearly is. It’s also probably there to show how educated Valentine (and thus likely Jace) is, since he can just make a reference like that off the cuff. Because I seriously doubt that many of CC’s readers (hell, probably most people in general) would get that reference.

So yeah, Clary’s big plan that she sort-of-but-didn’t-really come up with was to do to the wall what she did to Jace’s cell way back in chapter six, resulting in the ship literally falling apart. Don’t ask me how casting an “open” spell does that – I’ve already gone into how this magic system has no logic to it.

Blah blah, water rushes in and they’re all panicking, Clary almost drowns, and the scene ends.

On to the next scene.

Clary wakes up, much to my dismay. She’s in the back of Luke’s truck, because reasons. Simon and Luke are there. Luke’s hair has so much ash in it Clary (brilliant girl that she is) briefly thinks his hair has gone white.

Where did all that ash come from? Just wait.

And, par for the course, the first words out of Clary’s mouth are her asking about Jace. Personally, I would have gone with something like, “what happened?” or “how did we get here?”, but then I’m not a hormonal teenage girl obsessed with boinking her sociopathic brother.

Simon starts to answer, but for some reason looks to Luke for confirmation or something, which only causes Clary to freak out more. Why Simon did this, I don’t know, because Jace is right there. Apparently he was so convinced that Clary was dead (because I guess Shadowhunters don’t know about CPR). Clary asks if anyone else died, but Jace ignores the question and casts the supposedly minor healing spell that conveniently fixes all injuries.

This is clearly enough to distract Clary for a moment, so she asks if there was a fire, presumably because of the aforementioned ash in Luke’s hair. See? I told you there was an answer. Not that it makes much sense.

The ash is from Valentine’s ship burning down. That’s all the answer we get. There’s no explanation of how the fire started. I guess we’re just supposed to accept that it just happened. I think someone needed to explain to CC that ripping a hole in the side of a ship isn’t something that starts fires – it’s the thing that created the hole (like, say, something exploding) that causes the fire.

But Clary doesn’t care about silly details like that, so instead starts asking about all their friends. They’re all fine (I guess Alec and Magnus just disappeared, because they aren’t in the truck), so Clary’s confused about Jace being upset.

Our “Heroes”: 3

Clary: I mean, like, why should I care if some random person died trying to rescue me? It’s not like I knew them, or whatever.

So Luke explains what all happened: just like at the end of the last book, two named secondary characters (the Inquisitor and Malik) and a bunch of nameless background characters got killed, and Valentine not only escaped, but also still has the MacGuffin. Meaning that, while the heroes did manage to thwart Valentine’s plans this time, there’s literally nothing stopping him from trying again somewhere else.

Seriously, as far as we know, there are no special requirements for this ritual – it’s not like it needed to be performed during a particular celestial alignment or anything. But I guess Valentine is the kind of villain who immediately gives up on a plan if it fails.

But our heroes are no 0 for 2. How does the saying go? “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me”? You’ve failed twice at capturing Valentine, and this time he didn’t have the handy excuse of a magic portal to jump through.

Clary starts to blame herself for destroying the ship while there were still people on it, but is immediately comforted by everyone, so it feels like she was just fishing for pity. Also, vague explanation of the fire – her super ‘tear the ship apart’ rune also tore apart the oil tanks. Because oil is just so well known for spontaneously combusting.

Also, only some demons got hurt when the ship got ripped apart, and they only drowned. The other Shadowhunters got rescued by nixies, a type of water fairy (no, I’m not going to dignify them with the spelling the book uses – this book doesn’t deserve it), sent by the fairy queen. Because apparently she promised to provide “what aid was in her power” and keeping a few people from drowning was about the extent of it. Because I guess saying “Valentine’s parked right here” (because she clearly did know where he was) was beyond her capabilities.

I get that she’s supposed to be all evil and manipulative and whatnot, but couldn’t we have come up with something approaching an actual excuse? Like “it took so long to find the boat that the fighting was over by the time we got there”? That took me about half a second to come up with.

So they start heading back to shore. Simon is both freaked out by the magically floating truck, and bothered by the running water (wow, CC including a bit of vampire lore not usually included in modern works – color me slightly impressed). Then we move on to whether they think Valentine is dead or not. Simon says no, and Jace agrees. Then Jace just casually mentions that the sun is rising, causing Clary and Simon to freak out because, well, vampire.

It takes Jace a minute to realize what’s wrong, because I guess he totally forgot that Simon was a vampire, despite being present at his initial rising from the grave and having fed Simon his own blood less than an hour ago. But I guess you can’t blame Jace – it’s not like Simon is him, after all.

Our “Heroes”: 4

So they start panicking. Jace tells Luke to hurry up, and Clary suggests they cover him up, but apparently that won’t work, and only walls will stop sunlight. Wait, so what was the point of Simon trying to sun-proof his room? Logically, blackout curtains won’t do anything, since they’re just cloth, so why bother covering windows?

Shoddy World Building: 3

A valiant effort, CC, but you have to maintains consistency. Probably why most modern vampire stories just go with direct sunlight and leave it at that.

So Simon and Clary are freaking out. Simon tells Clary he loves her, and the sun comes up. The description is a bit purple for my tastes, but at least it’s not another poetic description of Jace’s eyelashes.

Clary starts screaming, Jace pulls her away, Clary tries to escape Jace’s grasp, and yet somehow Jace ends up being the one telling Clary to look at what’s happening. I’m not quite sure what the hell happened there – maybe another remnant from a previous draft?

So Clary refuses and covers her face, but Jace pulls her up and forces her to look, and we see that Simon is not, in fact, a crispy critter. He’s just fine. And the scene ends.

Because fuck things like consequences and all that – we have a love triangle to continue forcing down the readers’ throats!

And we’re still not quite done yet!

Final scene, and praise all the gods that ever were, are, or will be, because it’s relatively short.

But not too much, because we’re back at the Institute in Jace’s POV. Because we still have some bs that CC thinks needs to be resolved.

So Jace is in his room, and is packing up all his stuff, contemplating how little he actually has despite living there for seven years, so starts thinking about bringing along some stuff he brought with him when he first came. Apparently Magnus had briefly kept Valentine’s ring and has given it back to Jace. But despite all he now knows about the man who raised him, Jace hasn’t gotten rid of the thing – again, way to demonstrate your unwavering loyalty to the Clave, dude.

He starts packing all his stuff up, but then Maryse knocks at his door and asks to come in. There is tension.

Maryse sees the bag and asks what Jace is doing. He tells her, and she says he doesn’t have to leave, but he insists that he doesn’t belong there. Maryse asks where he’ll go, and he says he’ll stay with Luke (yeah, just be freeloader, you little shit), then maybe head back to Shadowhunter Land. Don’t ask me how he intends to do that, though.

Whatever. You can see what this is all about – everyone who ever wronged Jace must ask for forgiveness, even when their response was perfectly reasonable given all the information. So yeah, this is CC’s flailing attempt to make those first two chapters somehow relevant, despite almost nothing that happened in them being brought up again throughout the entirety of the book until now, and no, I am still not over chapter 2!

Blah blah blah, Maryse and the other Lightwoods do love Jace, and want him to stay, and don’t blame him for siding with Valentine, and won’t he please forgive her? Because she’s always loved him like a son, from the moment she first laid eyes on him, because no one is allowed to dislike Jace without just being a hater, let alone be ambivalent towards him.

She also brings up some French song that she used to sing to her kids, and she apparently also sang it to Jace, but he was always asleep when she did, and why the fuck didn’t you say that way back when he first brought it up?

Whatever. Jace decides to stay. End fucking chapter.

Why was this last scene here? CC, just because you introduced this conflict at the beginning of the book and resolve it now does not mean it ran the length of the book. Because at no point after Jace came back in chapter 3 was there ever more than the slightest implication that Jace wouldn’t be welcomed back with open arms. This isn’t a conflict. This isn’t a plot. This is stupid filler used to pad out your word count. So hey, we get one final count for the chapter.

Entirely Pointless: 1

Goddamn but I am sick of this chapter. Sorry this is so long, but I think if I ever stopped, I wouldn’t start up again for weeks, because in all honesty, I am just so damn tired of this book. I’d rant some more, but I just want to be done with this chapter. But I will go into the chapter title real quick.

Okay, so Dies Irae is Latin for “day of wrath”, and is the name of a fairly well-known Latin hymn. The actual musical rendering of the hymn has also become a fairly prominent leitmotif that’s been “quoted” in a number of pieces – for example, the beginning of Franz Liszt’s Totentanz) – usually to invoke a feeling of dread. It usually works.

As to what any of that has to do with this particular chapter, I once again have no fucking clue. Yeah, it’s a good name for a chapter where the big, climactic confrontation occurs, but when we actually got to that confrontation, nothing happened.

Okay, just the epilogue left. I’ll also give my final thoughts, though whether I do that separately or combine it with the epilogue, I don’t know.

See you guys soon.

Counts

Entirely Pointless: 1 (Total: 41)
Un-Logic: 1 (Total: 57)
You Keep Using That Word: 1 (Total: 92)
Shoddy World Building: 3 (Total: 42)
Rapier Twit: 0 (Total: 67)
Our “Heroes”: 4 (Total: 155)
No Shit Sherlock: 2 (Total: 16)
Both Hands, Ma’am: 2 (Total: 107)
A Word from Our Sponsors: 1 (Total: 10)

Comment [20]

Alright, people, time to wrap this thing up. No recap, because honestly, if you haven’t read all the previous entries, why the heck are you reading this? Go back and start from the beginning.

We begin with Clary going to visit Simon. Simon’s mom is surprised to see Clary, and apparently had thought that they were fighting over something. Clary gives the excuse that she was sick, but really she was just drained by drawing the giant deus ex machina ship-destroying rune. We’ll soon learn that she was out for a week, so at least we have some idea of how long it’s been since the last chapter (unlike every other instance of a time-skip in these books).

Simon’s out in the garden. The description of the weather makes me think it’s late-autumn, which raises a number of questions that I’m not going to discuss here, but I am putting a pin in this. They talk a bit about how being a vampire has affected him – he’s no longer bothered by heat or cold, his skin is still cool, and while the sun doesn’t burn him, he does get tired during the day. Also, Raphael is a bit pissed about Simon basically becoming a Daywalker, with the implication being that vampires don’t like change.

And then we get this bit of dialogue:

“Anyway, this’ll be good for my music career. It that Anne Rice stuff is anything to go by, vampires make great rock stars.”
“I’m not sure that information is reliable.”
He leaned back against the chair. “What is? Besides you, of course.”

I’m going to address this in two bits:

First, while I haven’t read The Vampire Lestat or The Queen of the Damned, I’m reasonably sure that Lestat’s success as a rock star was only partially due to him being a vampire, namely that it made him interesting, not that it made him a good musician.

As for the second part, I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry. Because in a way, Clary is very reliable in regards to Simon – she can be relied upon to ignore him or forget his existence (until someone else shows an interest in him, that is), and to take advantage of his feelings for her. But we can’t have any of that pointed out, no sir – that might make Clary seem bad, and we can’t have that.

Moving on, we get to the actual point of this scene – Simon wants to break up with Clary. Simon explains that, while he still loves Clary, he’s realized that she doesn’t feel the same way about him. Something I think everyone else already knew, given how she’s treated him. But I’ll stop beating that particular dead horse for now.

Clary asks if Simon’s decision has anything to do with Maia, and Simon says it does. And while he doesn’t feel the same way about Maia as he does about Clary (because, much like Bella Swan, Clary must be the most-desired of all the female characters),

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Simon is aware enough to realize that Maia feels that way about him, and he’s willing to give a relationship with her a shot, instead of continuing to pursue his failing relationship with Clary. But rather than just cutting off all contact with her, Simon wants them to go back to being friends. Because I guess all that emotional baggage from him pining after her for years can be dropped just like that. Sure.

But now that she’s dashed the hopes of Clary/Simon, CC ends the scene. The next one picks up when Clary is leaving Simon’s house. No idea how much time passes between scenes, though, so I’m going to give it one of these:

A Word From Our Sponsors: 1

Seriously, who writes these commercials? They’re awesome.

Anyway, Clary hops into Luke’s new truck, which we quickly learn is exactly like his old one. Not sure why I needed to know that.

Entirely Pointless: 1

Clary makes a comment about Luke picking her up, and he says he’s feeling parental. They joke a bit about him being overly protective of her, and Clary confirms that she and Simon broke up. Then we get this:

“I see.” He probably did. “Did you want me to drop you at home?”
“You’re going to the hospital, right?” She could tell from the nervous tension underlying his jokes. “I’ll go with you.”

I believe that this is the first instance in this book where Clary’s expressed any interest in visiting her mom in the hospital. Yes, previous trips were mentioned, but this is the first time we’ve actually seen Clary decide to go. Too bad it comes at the end of the book.

So they drive off, and we get a not-too-bad description of the East River (not that CC mentions the name – again, it’s like she expects her readers to just know the geography of New York City). Clary wonders why she’s never drawn it, which somehow segues into a semi-flashback where she asks her mom why she’s never had Clary model for her. Don’t ask me to explain that transition – it’s exactly as random as it sounds. Jocelyn’s answer was some crap about how drawing something is an attempt to capture it and trying to make sure it never changes, and that if you love something, you need to let it be free to change.

No, that answer makes absolutely no sense, even in-context. I guess Jocelyn wasn’t too big on photos, then, either.

And I guess the whole point of that little bit was so Clary can think about how she doesn’t like change. Not that it makes it any more coherent. All this is intended to bring us to the next topic – Luke’s relationship with Jocelyn.

Clary brings up Valentine’s comment about Luke’s feelings, and she flat-out asks him. Luke dodges the question by asking if Clary believes it. Right, because that’s not an obvious deflection.

So Clary talks about their history, how Luke’s always been around, and how he’s been like a father to her, and spending summers with him, and how neither he nor Jocelyn ever seemed to date anyone, so she kinda figured they’d been together this whole time and just hadn’t told her because then she might start asking inconvenient questions, but she’s mature enough to handle it now.

Yeah, I don’t know why it took Valentine bringing this up if Clary had noticed all these things before. Kids aren’t stupid, CC – if they notice their single parent spending a lot of time with another adult, especially if the relationship is like what Luke and Jocelyn’s is, the child will figure out that they’re together, even if the adults aren’t married.

And Luke admits that yes, he is in love with Jocelyn. And also that she doesn’t know. Clary’s response is typical of her:

“She doesn’t know it?” Clary made a wide sweeping gesture with her arm. Fortunately, her coffee cup was empty. “How could she not know? Haven’t you told her?”

Clary, there’s an old saying about people in glass houses throwing stones. You had to be told point-blank by Simon to learn how he felt, despite several people pointing it out to you. And your relationship to Simon had been compared to that between Luke and Jocelyn – why are you surprised that your mother is just as oblivious to this sort of thing as you are?

So Luke admits that he’s never told Jocelyn how he feels. Clary asks why, and he says that it “never seemed like the right time.” Clary responds with this:

“That’s a lame excuse, and you know it.”

I do not like agreeing with Clary. It makes me feel dirty, and not in a good way.

So then Luke starts explaining it all, but thankfully we’re only subjected to an overly-long paragraph of dialogue instead of a whole damn chapter. Basically, Luke was more or less like Simon, but when Valentine showed up, Luke realized he didn’t stand a chance. Wait, how then could Luke and Val be supter-best-battle-buddies 5eva if they only met when they were sixteen? I thought the whole point of that relationship was that it was so deep and strong and better than being mere siblings?

Shoddy World Building: 1

Come on, CC, you have to keep this shit straight.

Anyway, Luke stepped aside because he figured Val was more deserving of her. Nice how this completely removes Jocelyn’s agency in this.

Then, after he and the pregnant Jocelyn went on the run, Luke offered to marry her, but she turned him down (apparently Jocelyn thought he was taking pity on her), and they parted ways – Luke back to Shadowhunter land, and Jocelyn to wherever. But despite Luke having actual responsibilities (NO I WILL NOT DROP THAT EITHER), his recurring dreams eventually drove him to go after Jocelyn again.

And then we get the explanation for why they didn’t get together once he found her. Despite everything, Luke is still a werewolf, so him changing every month would be a problem, because Jocelyn didn’t want Clary to know anything about all this stuff, and yet for some reason she also would have insisted on telling Clary about Luke’s lycanthropy if they got married. I’m not sure whether that’s just a convenient excuse or an example of the weird kind of thinking Valentine regularly demonstrates.

So Clary again asks why Luke never told her mom about his feelings. Luke points out the obvious – he’s more than demonstrated how he feels, so he’s pretty sure she already knows. Oh, Luke, I don’t think you know who you’re dealing with. Clary does, and argues that because Luke didn’t come out and actually say that he loved her, her mom has no clue. Also, based on a single conversation from some vague point in the past, Clary also believes that Jocelyn loves Luke:

“I remember once I asked her why she didn’t date,” Clary said, ignoring his admonishing tone. “She said it was because she’d already given her heart. I thought she meant to my dad, but now— now I’m not so sure.”
Luke looked actually astonished. “She said that?” He caught himself, and added, “Probably she did mean Valentine, you know.”

Why does CC have to make this all so convoluted? Were any of her readers really all that interested in Luke and Jocelyn’s relationship? I can at least kind of understand them being interested in Clary’s love-life as a kind of fantasy, but why have all these relationship dynamics stuff with the adults when the books don’t focus on them, and CC clearly has no real interest in doing so?

Blah blah, Luke’s frustrated about having to constantly keep his feelings bottled up. And now that this scene has accomplished what it was intended for, we can awkwardly transition to the next one. In this case, Clary, for no apparent reason, asks to be dropped off at the Institute. Because New York City is just so well known for its accommodating traffic.

Oh, and we’re going to put off the heroine visiting her comatose mother a bit longer. But she really loves her mom, guys!

Next scene, and Clary’s in the Institute, so all we cut out was travel time. So I’m giving it one out of spite.

A Word From Our Sponsors: 2

So Clary runs straight to the elevator and jams the call button and is generally impatient. When it arrives, Jace is inside, and suddenly all that urgency evaporates. So what the hell was the point of it in the first place? Clary was acting like she was about to wet herself or something.

Entirely Pointless: 2

And now that Jace is here, CC waxes poetic about his hair being shorter. Because that’s something I really needed to know.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Jace is surprised to see Clary, and asks why she’s here. She says she wanted to talk to him. I guess now that she’s officially single again Clary decided she could just get her Jace fix without having to make an excuse.

Jace says that he’s going out to pick up food for everyone, so Clary might as well come along. Also, we get a description of how angelic (no, I’m not kidding) Jace looks in the candlelight, because reasons. In fact, he looks so amazing that Clary is momentarily stunned (not that it takes much to do that).

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

CC, I don’t care that you know they’re not actually related, or that your readers have probably figured it out as well – they don’t know that they aren’t related, so having Clary getting all hot and bothered over Jace is really, really gross. Stop it.

So they head out, and again, Clary’s previous urgency has been completely dropped, because as they walk, they apparently don’t discuss anything having to do with themselves, and instead talk about the Lightwood kids. So once again, what the hell was Clary in such a rush for?

Entirely Pointless: 3

And you guys really need to see this conversation:

“I’m sorry.” Clary winced at her own stupidity. “They must be pretty miserable. All these people they knew are dead.”
“It’s different for Shadowhunters,” Jace said. “We’re warriors. We expect death in a way you—”
Clary couldn’t help a sigh. “‘ You mundanes don’t.’ That’s what you were going to say, isn’t it?”
“I was,” he admitted. “Sometimes it’s hard even for me to know what you really are.”

I guess that’s just another part of how they’re “better” than us mundanes – see, they don’t waste time mourning for lost comrades! You’re all weak and pathetic for actually having an emotional response to your friends and loved ones dying violent deaths!

CC, there’s a big difference between accepting that you or people you know might die, and actually seeing it happen. Military personnel deal with this all the time. I don’t care that the Shadowhunters are a warrior society, they’re still humans (or at least they’re supposed to be – you seem to have changed your mind on that). They still form bonds of love and friendship. Hell, that’s the whole point of the parabatai thing!

And then there’s the fact that, by all indications, Shadowhunters are atheist, or at least agnostic. So they don’t even have the comfort of being able to say, “they died fighting evil, so they get to go to heaven.” No, all they have is their remains being cremated and used to build prisons for baddies that don’t get used.

(Just to be clear, I’m not insulting people who are atheist/agnostic, just pointing out how it doesn’t make sense with Shadowhunters being so blasé about their own mortality.)

Whatever. They get to the restaurant, and it’s the same one from the previous book, where the whole gang got together, and Jace randomly went off to make-out with a waitress to demonstrate how desirable he is. I guess only two restaurants really exist in this world – this place, and the Chinese restaurant where the werewolves live (the Hunter’s Moon doesn’t count, because that’s a bar).

Clary and Jace sit down, because I guess when Jace said he was going to pick up something because no one felt like cooking, he really meant “no one’s catering to my needs, so I’m going to go out to eat instead of cooking something myself.” Typical.

Our “Heroes”: 1

CC, cooking is not that hard. Follow the instructions, and you’ll be fine.

The waitress from last time is mentioned, as well as her relationship with Jace. Because that’s really something that needed to be brought up.

Also, we get this bit:

A pair of werewolves occupied another booth. They were eating raw shanks of lamb and arguing about who would win in a fight: Dumbledore from the Harry Potter books or Magnus Bane.
“Dumbledore would totally win,” said the first one. “He has the badass Killing Curse.”
The second lycanthrope made a trenchant point. “But Dumbledore isn’t real.”
“I don’t think Magnus Bane is real either,” scoffed the first. “Have you ever met him?”

CC, while I’m sure you and your friends got a kick out of this, all it does for me is make me think of how I’d rather be re-reading the entire Harry Potter series than dealing with this crap. And I’m sure you and your more rabid fans might think that you’re on Rowling’s level, but you’re not even close, so the implication that you are is just insulting.

Also, even though Dumbledore would never actually use the Killing Curse (something I’d expect any fan of the series, let alone one of the Big Name Fans, to know), he’d wipe the floor with Magnus Bane, no question.

Clary finds this whole thing amusing, which leads to this (sorry for another quote so soon):

Jace was studying the menu, which gave Clary the opportunity to covertly study him. I never look at you, she’d told him. It was true too, or at least she never looked at him the way she wanted to, with an artist’s eye. She would always get lost, distracted by a detail: the curve of his cheekbone, the angle of his eyelashes, the shape of his mouth.
“You’re staring at me,” he said, without looking up from the menu. “Why are you staring at me? Is something wrong?”

First, credit where it’s due – that’s actually kind of funny. Not something I’ve come to expect from Jace.

Second, that’s a really generous way to describe what Clary does. A more accurate one would be to say that she practically starts humping his leg whenever she sees him, and obsesses over every minor detail of his appearance (seriously – his eyelashes. What the fuck?!).

The waitress comes over and breaks Clary out of her daydream, so Clary orders some random crap that we don’t hear, but we are told that Jace orders sweet potato fries (something I just don’t understand the purpose of) and some stuff to go for the Lightwoods.

Ah, so he is willing to pick up food for everyone, but not so much that he won’t make them wait while he wastes time with Clary. You can tell why he’s considered part of the family.

The waitress leaves (and I sincerely hope the staff does some nasty stuff to Jace’s fries). Clary asks Jace to tell Alec and Isabelle that she’s sorry about what happened, and to tell Max that she’ll still take him out to get comics whenever. And of course Jace has to be a dick about all this:

“Only mundanes say they’re sorry when what they mean is ‘I share your grief,’” Jace observed. “None of it was your fault, Clary.” His eyes were suddenly bright with hate. “It was Valentine’s.”

CC, please drop this stupid point. You are not being ‘clever’ by having Jace say this. As a matter of fact, here are some definitions of “sorry”:

adjective, sorrier, sorriest.
1. feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc.:
to be sorry to leave one’s friends; to be sorry for a remark; to be sorry for someone in trouble.
3.sorrowful, grieved, or sad:
Was she sorry when her brother died?
4.associated with sorrow; suggestive of grief or suffering; melancholy; dismal.

I’d say that those are pretty applicable to this situation. It doesn’t just mean “I feel I should apologize”. This does not make Jace look clever, it makes him look like a jackass at best, or a sociopath at worst.

Our “Heroes”: 2

For Jace basically spitting in Clary’s face for her offering her sympathies. Just accept it in the spirit it’s offered in, asshole.

But of course Clary doesn’t call Jace out on this. No, instead she asks about Valentine. As I’m sure you can all guess, he’s once again managed to disappear, and no one has any idea of what he’s going to try next. As I’ve mentioned before, given that he still has the sword, he’s probably going to try to complete that ritual. I mean, it would be the smart thing to do.

Then again, no one’s ever accused any of these characters of being smart.

Then we finally start moving towards whatever the point of this scene is with Jace asking Clary what she wanted to talk about. Of course, we have to hem and haw a bit first, because we have to smooth out the minor communication issues that no one gives a shit about. And then it’s all toped off with this bit:

“I really was sick,” she said. “I swear. I almost died back there on the ship, you know.”
He let her hand go, but he was staring at her, almost as if he meant to memorize her face. “I know,” he said. “Every time you almost die, I almost die myself.”

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4

CC, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS!!

No, I don’t care if Jace is being literal or not – that line is so saccharine I wouldn’t be surprised if I developed diabetes. And that’s on top of my disgust for this relationship.

Oh, but it gets worse.

So, Clary starts to tell Jace what she wanted to say, but Jace interrupts her because he’s an asshole and apologizes for his behavior (you know, when he basically said, “I don’t care that we’re siblings, I still think we should screw.”), and has decided that he just wants to be her brother now. That’s the gist of it, anyway – there’s more, but I don’t give a shit about the details.

And I’d actually be okay with this except for one thing – Clary’s response. For starters, she tries (repeatedly!) to apologize to Jace for turning him down. Because saying, “no, I won’t fuck you, you’re my brother!” is just so cruel. And there’s the very clear implication that she had decided to take Jace up on his offer, and that the audience is very clearly supposed to be devastated by this.

CC, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Next scene, and we’re finally, finally at the hospital.

Unfortunately, Clary’s single act of daughterly compassion is utterly ruined by her only wanting to be comforted by her mother. Because god forbid Clary visit her mother for any reasons that don’t benefit herself in some way.

Our “Heroes”: 3

And we get a nice summary of everything that happened during the scene break – as soon as Jace left, Clary started crying, so much so that some guy on the subway offered her a tissue. Clary responded by screaming at him, “because that was what you did in New York.” And of course, this makes her feel better.

Our Heroes: 5

One for screaming at the guy who was only trying to comfort her, and another for feeling good about it.

But before Clary can even get to her mom’s room, she runs into a Shadowhunter woman covered in a don’t-look-here spell. It’s the same one who stopped Malik from blowing out Luke’s tires, because there are no background characters in these books.

She says her name is Madeleine Bellefleur (hey, a region-appropriate name!), and that she was a friend of Clary’s mom. Clary says the hospital will only let family visit, as if that would somehow stop the semi-invisible-woman. Also, Luke isn’t family, yet he’s constantly around. Maybe he has Power of Attorney or something.

But no, Madeleine is only here to tease the sequel – see, she knows what’s caused Jocelyn’s coma, that Jocelyn did it to herself, and how to fix it.

And that’s the end of the book. I suppose it’s not the worst way to end a story, but can’t help but notice that it ended before Clary actually reached her mother.

Our “Heroes”: 6

That one’s for CC. Seriously, would it have been so difficult to have this discussion happen in Jocelyn’s room?

Whatever. At least it’s finally done.

There’s a few extra samples from some of CC’s other books, but I’m not going to look at those, as well a map pointing out a few locations, which is kind of helpful. There’s also a forward from CC that got added in an update at some point (probably when the new editions came out for the TV show). I did read that, and I’ll talk about it here.

First, there’s a good bit of it is her talking about how she did all this research and incorporated so much mythology and folklore and whatnot into the books (yeah, right), and she repeatedly brings up the “all myths are true” line (though now she says it’s “all stories are true”), completely ignoring how she’s taken all the creatures from myths and legends and shoved them into five categories: it it’s not a vampire or werewolf, it’s some type of fairy, warlock, or demon. And don’t get me started on how she butchered any non-western folklore – remember, in this world, an ifrit is just a red-skinned warlock that doesn’t have magic powers, rather than a powerful magical being made of fire.

But we’re not done yet – there’s also stuff about how she incorporated Biblical lore (though only through secondary works) into the setting, and a bit talking about Nephilim (the technical name for what Shadowhunters are), and how being a mix of angel and human would be kind of interesting:

The idea of being part angel, partly a symbol of goodness, and yet being beset by all the weaknesses inherent to humanity: frailty, cruelty, greed, selfishness, despair.

I just have a few problems with this:

A) The term “Nephilim” is occasionally translated as “giant”.

B) Their fathers are referred to as “sons of God,” and there’s some debate as to what that means. The dominant Judaic take interpret them as being descendents of Seth, and the Nephilim coming from them interbreeding with the descendents of Cain, and some more modern interpretations actually translate the actual term (‘bnei elohim”) as “sons of rulers”. The half-angel interpretation is Christian in origin.

C) Even if we do go with that interpretation, most takes on Nephilim tend to view them as bad, or at least dangerous – all the power of an angel, and the free will of a human. Angels tend to wreak quite a bit of havoc when they show up in the Old Testament, and they’re following orders. I’ve even seen at least one take where the Biblical Flood was intended to wipe the Nephilim out.

And that’s about all there is to it. If someone else wants to take a more in-depth look, be my guest.

Final Counts

Entirely Pointless: 44
Un-Logic: 57
You Keep Using That Word: 92
Shoddy World Building: 43
Rapier Twit: 67
Our “Heroes”: 161
No Shit Sherlock: 16
Both Hands, Ma’am: 111
A Word from Our Sponsors: 12

Final Thoughts

My god, but this book was a slog. The first book took me a little over a year to finish. This one took about a year and a half. And I can only blame things like grad school work and doing my own writing for so much – if I’m entirely honest, there were points where I had to force myself to get back to this book.

And as much as I’ve ranted about all this book’s problems, I still feel they need to be discussed. Flaws that aren’t just minor annoyances, but huge problems with the book. So I’m going to break them up into a few sections.

I know I’ve beaten this particular dead horse almost to paste, but I’ll say it again – Valentine’s plan makes no sense. We know he hates demons and anything related to them, so why is he trying to summon up an entire army of them? Even if you use them to conquer the Shadowhunters’ capital and then dismiss said army, there’s no reason for the Shadowhunters to trust/follow him.

A better plan might have been to pray on the tensions between Shadowhunters and Downworlders – we’ve already seen that they don’t get along, why not push that even further? Fake a few attacks, disrupt any attempts at a peaceful resolution, and after the majority of Shadowhunters get sick of being told to hold back, come in and say, “I told you we couldn’t trust them!” Easy. Hell, CC practically used the same plot in her first Draco book. At least here it would actually make sense.

Not that Valentine’s willingness to sit back and twiddle his thumbs helps matters. I can understand Luke and maybe Raphael telling their younger followers to stay in a safe place once they learned about Valentine’s plan, but aren’t there other groups of vampires and werewolves in New York? What if they thought it sounded like a trick, or an attempt to scar them? And even if they all did listen, why did Valentine restrict himself to attacking lone targets? It’s not like the Clave was trying to conceal his return, and I can’t believe that he’d have much in the way of compunctions about slaughtering an entire pack of werewolves or vampires to get what he wanted.

Then there’s Agramon, the big bad fear demon. On paper, he’s a pretty effective baddie – a monster that literally scares its victims almost to death before killing them. Sounds good to me! And for a while, he is incredibly effective – what he did to Maia, the warlock kid who summoned him, hell, the entirety of the Silent Brotherhood? Damn, son.

But then we have the big show-down between him and Jace, and he gets taken out… by having a piece of metal railing shoved through him. Compare that to Abbadon from the first book – he/it took down most of the group without breaking a sweat, and only got taken down when it got exposed to a lot of direct sunlight. Compared to that, Agramon went down like a chump.

Now, I might be willing to buy that the magic fear-removing rune weakened him. I’m thinking of the season four episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Fear, Itself.) The fear demon there, even when it’s only partially-summoned, manages to wreak havoc on a fraternity house’s Halloween party, but when it actually physically manifests, is only a few inches tall. The metaphor here is clear – fear really isn’t all that powerful if confronted directly. Except that’s not the case here, or at least it isn’t implied – something like Agramon-as-Valentine seeming weak or keeping his distance might have helped make that clear. But as-is, it looks like the big bad fear demon isn’t really all that tough, despite all the build-up.

Finally, there’s the Inquisitor. I’m including her here because she’s really the most visible of the protagonists’ opponents. The problem with her is that there’s never any real reason for the readers to side against her, other than how she treats Jace. And really, you can’t blame her for that, despite what CC and the other main characters say – she only locked Jace up because he mouthed off to her, only put him under house-arrest because she suspected him of being a plant by Valentine, and only locked him up at the Institute because Magnus demonstrated how piss-poor a warden he was.

But it goes beyond that – the Inquisitor is bad because she doesn’t immediately accept that Jace is a good guy, even though he refuses to cooperate with her. Jace never seems to volunteer any information about Valentine, never offers to help the Inquisitor. Heck, his volunteering to face the super lie-detecting sword looks pretty interesting when Valentine shows up and steals it before the Inquisitor can use it on Jace – the idea that Valentine was covering for Jace isn’t unreasonable in that case. Until a certain point, the Inquisitor could be seen as just a well-intentioned extremist – yes, she’s maybe a bit over-zealous in her duties, but she’s still just doing her job.

And then we got the big reveal about her son, and how she wants revenge against Valentine, completely undermining her character. Don’t get me wrong – her desire to capture Valentine being driven by personal tragedy tied back to Valentine’s previous activities is fine. It could even work really well, if we got to see that desire warring with or overriding her sense of duty. But we don’t see that – all we get is “the Inquisitor is acting crazy! She’s gone too far!” which is clearly a vary biased perspective.

None of the villains in this book get treated like actual threats: Valentine sits in the background being vaguely menacing, but is ignored most of the time; his pet fear demon sounds interesting, but only shows up to do his bidding; and the Inquisitor is only a minor hindrance, at best.

I’m not going to lie – I’m not a fan of love triangles in general. Basing a large part of the tension in a work on the protagonist being torn between being with Character A or Character B feels really cheap to me, especially since it’s a false dilemma – the possibility that the protagonist could end up with someone else, or with no one at all, is never even considered.

And that’s when I like the characters involved, and the relationships are developed, so the protagonist actually has a bit of a dilemma

That is most decidedly not the case here.

In this case, there’s so much else going on that devoting so much time (the majority of Part II, but also throughout the book) focusing on these relationships is really frustrating, and it drags the book down. I’m not against including romance in other genres, but it can’t be allowed to over-shadow everything else, like trying to thwart the bad guy. I might catch some flak for this, but I didn’t particularly like how much of Order of the Phoenix focused on Harry’s first flailing attempts at romance. I understand that he’s a hormonal 15-year-old boy, and that this potentially a major event in his life, but that shouldn’t come at the cost of the bigger plot. Say what you like about the movie – at least they cut out the terrible, awkward first date between Harry and Cho.

And I can’t help but draw comparisons to the Twilight books. The relationship between Edward, Bella, and Jacob is very similar to that between Jace, Clary, and Simon in some very bad ways.

The first pairing (Bella/Edward and Jace/Clary) seems to be based entirely on physical attraction. Neither Edward & Bella nor Jace & Clary ever seem to do things together – they don’t seem to have any shared interests or tastes. Look at how often Clary just stares at Jace while the narration waxes poetic about every aspect of his appearance. Clary is better than Bella in that she at least has one interest not related to Jace – her art. But at no point does Jace ever show any real interest that. Heck, Jace doesn’t really have any interests at all beyond killing demons – no, playing the piano is not an interest, because he never seems to do it for fun.

Then there’s the fact that the second pairing (Bella/Jacob and Clary/Simon) is, in all respects, a much better, well-developed and realistic relationship. In New Moon, Bella and Jacob spend a good deal of time together, and generally seem to enjoy each other’s company – they have more in common than just mutual physical attraction. The same goes for Clary and Simon. And the frustrating part is that, despite these pairings being all-around better, they stood absolutely no chance in the long-run.

Because it’s really no secret which pair the author preferred. I feel like CC only paired Clary up with Simon as a means of satisfying the fans of Clary/Simon, while not having to alter her plans. CC did, after all, get her start in fandom – she knows exactly what her fans want, and is more than willing to give them enough bits and morsels to keep them coming back. And at least she had the decency to not drag this out for another whole book. But make no mistake – there was no way Clary was actually going to end up with Simon, and only the most ardent supporters of that ship would believe otherwise.

But I think a big part of why the relationship stuff didn’t work goes beyond simply not caring for this kind of thing – it also comes down to a lack of reader investment. This is only the second book in the series, so dangling the possibility of a relationship (whether romantic or filial) ending isn’t that big of a deal. Compare this to Harry and Ron’s troubles in Goblet of Fire. By that point, we’d already had three books to see them become friends, so when they had a fight, it was a major concern. It also helped that the neither party was in the wrong: Ron was frustrated that Harry, already famous, was once again the center of everyone’s attention, and he was once again being ignored; meanwhile, Harry was angry that Ron didn’t believe his claims that his involvement in the Tri-Wizard Tournament wasn’t intentional.

Conversely, we have Clary and Simon’s relationship. Clary’s insistence that she doesn’t really love Jace rings pretty hollow in the face of the evidence. And it’s not helped by the fact that she has routinely ignored or forgotten about him, manipulated him, or failed to stand-up for him against other Shadowhunters. It’s not surprising that he’d decide to break up with her. If anything, his desire to remain friends is the surprising part.

Speaking of which, there’s also the way every other character is treated. Everyone else – Magnus, the Lighwood kids, heck the entire Lightwood family – only exist in relation to the main characters, namely Jace. Yes, Magnus and Alec are a couple, but the main reason Magnus ever appears is to be of some assistance to the main characters, whether that be volunteering to act as Jace’s [incredibly poor] jailer, or to provide magical back-up for the assault on Valentine’s boat.

In City of Bones, Magnus was presented as a fairly neutral party – he helped the protagonists (namely by dropping exposition), but that was all. He made it quite clear that he had no interest in aiding them, at least not out of the goodness of his heart. He was somewhat amoral, providing services that bordered on violating Shadowhunter law. He (and the late, lamented Dorothea) provided a different perspective of the Shadowhunters than what Jace, Alec, and Isabelle gave – not noble protectors of humanity, but arrogant tyrants imposing their will on society through threat of force.

But then CC decided to pair him off with Alec, and became just another character to be used to help out the heroes.

The Lightwoods aren’t any better. Alec gets a bit of agency when defending the Inquisitor’s actions near the beginning, and when he serves as POV character in the final chapters, but Isabelle is barely present. Her only contribution to the plot is to convey the fairy queen’s invitation, which really just served as an opportunity to poorly foreshadow Clary and Jace’s special powers and an excuse to force them to make-out. And no, I don’t count it as setting up the other Shadowhunters being rescued by nixies, because that all happened off-screen, and barely counts as providing assistance, as far as I’m concerned.

Of the three remaining Lightwoods, Mayrse gets the most screen-time, and that consists mostly of A) acting as a teaser for the Inquisitor, B) supporting/opposing the Inquisitor, and C) delivering a The Reason You Suck Speech to the Inquisitor, a speech I’m certain CC assumed would have all her fans cheering over. Max gets a bit of development, but as it’s mostly him being an adorable little kid and fawning over Jace, he’s not really much of a character. And Papa Lightwood barely shows up at all – I care so little about him that I can’t even be bothered to remember his name.

For all that everyone talks about Jace being “part of their family,” that family doesn’t really seem to exist much beyond their connection to Jace.

As I mentioned in the last installment, the rune magic in these books seems utterly broken, so in a way, this really applies to the setting as a whole. I brought up Sanderson’s Laws, and how CC seems to want the best of both hard and soft magic – she wants to be able to use it to solve all her problems (like with hard magic), but doesn’t want to be bound by any kind of rules or restrictions (as with soft magic). But before, at least there was the implication that there are only so many runes in existence. So, when we find out that Clary’s super-special-power is that she can basically create new runes, she basically becomes the most powerful character in the world, as she can just whip up a rune to deal with any potential threat. And if there’s no real threat, there’s no real tension.

But the problem also ties into Sanderson’s Second Law, which says that a character’s weaknesses (like, say, limits on their powers) are more interesting than their abilities. Let’s take a look at magic in the Wheel of Time universe. There’s always a distinct possibility that anyone who uses magic (called “channeling”) could draw too much power and “burn out” their ability entirely, cutting them off from the One Power. Men also face the added threat of almost certainly going insane due to the Satan-analogue corrupting the male half of the True Source before the series began. Even things like healing magic have drawbacks – for one, it’s pretty complicated, and it’s really just sped up natural healing, so the target gets drained of all that energy at once, rather than over time. And not everyone who can channel has the same aptitude or ability – some are very powerful channelers, some can barely channel at all. Some have gifts for a particular element, others a different one.

Now, compare that to Shadowhunter runes. Drawing a rune on someone isn’t dangerous, at least if they’re a Shadowhunter. You can draw as many as you like, provided you can find enough empty skin. Oh, they leave behind minor scars when they’re used, but that’s not really much of a downside. They might hurt to apply, but it’s not as if they continue to hurt until/when they’re activated. And since they’re not permanent, there’s no need for a Shadowhunter to consider things like their abilities and aptitudes. Further, there don’t really seem to be any limits on what runes can do, or how they work – I still want to know how Clary managed to melt a wall by scribbling on it, or how drawing a big “open” rune somehow caused an entire boat to come apart at the seams.

And that’s about all I have to say, folks. I’m going to take a break from sporking for a while, but I’m not going away entirely – there’s a bunch of books I’d love to share with you guys. And when I do eventually take on City of Glass, I’m going to make sure I read the thing first – sporking a book while reading parts of it for the first time isn’t exactly conducive to a smooth, steady workflow.

See you around.

Comment [12]

City of Glass – Introduction

Hello, lovely peoples! And welcome to the beginning of the City of Glass sporking! It’s been a long time coming – I started spoking City of Bones waaaaay back in 2012 – so this particular monkey has been on my back for a while.

But enough of that – let’s start delving into this thing.

As with my sporkings of the previous two books, I’m using the Kindle version. This means I’m technically getting the latest edition of the book. Let’s take a gander at this bad boy, shall we?

Well, I’ll grant it this – these versions are a big step up from the previous editions. If nothing else, I wouldn’t feel too embarrassed to be seen reading this on a but. The fact that this one only includes two notes: one pointing out that it’s part of the “#1 New York Times Bestselling Series” (which I feel speaks more for the taste of the target audience than the quality of the work); the other stating that it’s “Soon to be an ABC Family Original Series,” which is clearly trying to capitalize on the TV adaptation – not surprising, considering how badly the film version did.

But still, it’s an improvement over the ‘random character’s torso looming ominously over the city skyline’ aesthetic of previous editions. And the lack of a plug from Stephenie Meyer doesn’t hurt, either.

That said, I still have issues aplenty. For example, who exactly is this supposed to be on the cover? Is it Jace? Alec? Simon? Why is there a chin on the floor? Why is the background a swirling mass of red graphics? As a reader, this isn’t exactly the kind of thing that would pique my curiosity.

Now, let’s check out the blurb, courtesy of Amazon:

Love is a mortal sin, and the secrets of the past are deadly. Plunge into the third installment in the internationally bestselling Mortal Instruments series and “prepare to be hooked” (Entertainment Weekly).
To save her mother’s life, Clary must travel to the City of Glass, the ancestral home of the Shadowhunters—never mind that entering the city without permission is against the Law, and breaking the Law could mean death. To make things worse, she learns that Jace does not want her there, and Simon has been thrown in prison by the Shadowhunters, who are deeply suspicious of a vampire who can withstand sunlight.
As Clary uncovers more about her family’s past, she finds an ally in mysterious Shadowhunter Sebastian. With Valentine mustering the full force of his power to destroy all Shadowhunters forever, their only chance to defeat him is to fight alongside their eternal enemies. But can Downworlders and Shadowhunters put aside their hatred to work together? While Jace realizes exactly how much he’s willing to risk for Clary, can she harness her newfound powers to help save the Glass City—whatever the cost?
Love is a mortal sin and the secrets of the past prove deadly as Clary and Jace face down Valentine in the third installment of bestselling series the Mortal Instruments.
Includes an exclusive sneak peek of the fourth book in the Mortal Instruments series: City of Fallen Angels! And don’t miss the teaser from Clockwork Angel, the first book in the Infernal Devices trilogy, the prequel to the Mortal Instruments series.

Oh my stars and garters. Let’s take this one piece at a time, shall we?

Love is a mortal sin, and the secrets of the past are deadly.

1)In no religion that I am aware of is “love” considered a “mortal sin.” Even the friggin’ Jedi code doesn’t forbid “love”. What the hell are you talking about?
2)“the secrets of the past are deadly” – No they’re not. In fact, they can be quite enlightening. And in this particular case, they are in no way deadly.
3)Neither of these statements connect to each other in any way. These are two complete non sequiturs shoved together to try to sound “deep.”

prepare to be hooked” (Entertainment Weekly).

A quote from Entertainment Weekly. Well, it’s not Cosmo Girl, but I guess any recommendation will do.

To save her mother’s life, Clary must travel to the City of Glass, the ancestral home of the Shadowhunters—never mind that entering the city without permission is against the Law, and breaking the Law could mean death.

I could complain about why Clary has to go, but that actually gets addressed. Poorly, but it is addressed. Also, her entering the city without permission isn’t an issue, so this isn’t just deceptive, it’s false.

Also, we’ve run into an example of one of my biggest pet peeves with this series – the Random Capitalization to make words look Important. There is no reason for “Law” to be capitalized here, unless it’s to make my eye twitch.

To make things worse, she learns that Jace does not want her there, and Simon has been thrown in prison by the Shadowhunters, who are deeply suspicious of a vampire who can withstand sunlight.

Another list!

1)Why should Jace’s opinion matter one whit in this instance? He’s not in charge of Clary.
2)Of course the Shadowhunters would be suspicious of Simon – he’s a vampire who can walk around in daylight. I’d be surprised if they weren’t suspicious.

she finds an ally in mysterious Shadowhunter Sebastian.

This will be our first hint that CC intends to write another love-triangle plot into this book. I swear, this is the only plot-line she knows.

But can Downworlders and Shadowhunters put aside their hatred to work together?

Could we please not act like both parties are equally culpable? I’ve read the previous books – 90% of the time, if there’s any drama between Shadowhunters and Downworlders, it’s because of the Shadowhunters.

“While Jace realizes exactly how much he’s willing to risk for Clary, can she harness her newfound powers to help save the Glass City—whatever the cost?”

Again, the second clause does not logically follow the first. This is not how you English! And as for the “whatever the cost” bit, don’t pretend like these characters ever face any real danger.

Love is a mortal sin and the secrets of the past prove deadly

Saying this again doesn’t make it any more true, or any less stupid.

Includes an exclusive sneak peek…

Which I will not be looking at. And you can’t make me.

Now that we’re done looking at the book’s exterior, let’s see what you’d only find by actually opening the thing.

Well, first is something new (at least to me): a map of New York City, with several of the major locations marked out and illustrations of their exterior. This would actually have been quite helpful for people who neither live in nor know much of New York’s geography memorized.

Or, it would have, in the first two books.

But this is the third book. Which takes place almost exclusively in a made-up location, for which no map is provided. Making the map (at least in this instance)

Entirely Pointless: 1

Wow, haven’t even started reading the book and we’ve already got points on the board.

Moving on to the Forward.

All the stories are true

Oh, sweet Jesus. Not this crap again. I thought you gave up on this after the first book, CC.

CC discusses what Jace “means” by this, implying that it was actually some deeper meaning to it, rather than the obvious, surface-level meaning he clearly intended.

All the stories are true.

Stop saying that.

Now CC goes into her intentions when she started writing her the first book, and how she liked “stories about vampires and faeries and warlocks,” but also liked mythology. She name-drops Paradise Lost and Dante’s Inferno – by which I assume she means one of the many adaptations, as opposed to the first part of Dante’s Divine Comedy – presumably to show how well-read she is or something. But she also Mike Carey’s comic, Lucifer, presumably so she doesn’t alienate the geeks or something.

Blah, blah, she wanted a world “that was rich in folklore […] but which also incorporated the existence of figures of myth,” by which she means angels and demons. Can’t help but think some folks might be a mite offended at calling this stuff “myth.” Also, CC was “delighted” by the idea of powerful objects – like swords that belonged to actual angels – being real. All I get from this is that she never really read any Urban Fantasy, because that’s kind of all over the place in the genre.

Then she gets into how everything in her world comes back to angels and demons. Now, I’m a straight, cis-gender, White guy, but even to me this feels like cultural appropriation. You’ve tried to cram creatures from many diverse cultures into your world, CC, and trying to tie them all into one a system based largely on Judeo-Christian belief is incredibly disrespectful, not to mention stupid. But then, you didn’t exactly show a ton of respect for these myths in the first place (ex: ifrits being magic-less warlocks with red skin, rather than powerful spirits made of fire).

All the stories are true.

Do I need to start a drinking game?

CC discusses how she came up with Shadowhunters being Nephilim. She fails to mention that Nephilim are only mentioned about three times in the Bible, that the term “sons of God” is never explained, and that the term is most often translated as “giants”. So the idea of them being half-angel, half-human is all pop culture. Not to mention that CC’s Nephilim aren’t really the “descendants” of an angel, they’re just the results of some warlock’s experiments.

Also, CC takes this opportunity to shit on humanity by pointing out all our “weaknesses.” But it’s okay, because by mixing all those “weaknesses” with the absolute pure goodness of an angel, she was just adding a “twist” to this particular story.

Hey, CC? You want a real “twist” on the angel story? How about the idea that they don’t have free will, and just mindlessly follow orders? That’s been done. Hell, how about the idea that they’re maybe not really good, and may in fact hate humanity? That goes back to at least 1995, with the Christopher Walken film The Prophesy (yeah, this even pre-dates Supernatural’s take). Here’s a clip where Walken’s Gabriel explains exactly what angels do, and how he feels about that.

All the stories are true.

TAKE A SHOT!

Last bit. CC continues to ret-con some depth into Jace’s comment. It still fails, because I’m not an idiot. Discussion of Clary being “a girl who starts out ordinary and becomes a hero.” I’d buy that, except I’ve read this and the previous books. Clary’s acts of “heroism” are largely incidental – she’s just there. She might get in the final blow or whatever, but she never actually works for it. She never works to “master” her powers; instead, they just fall into her lap.

Moving on.

This book is dedicated to CC’s mom, with the line, “I only count the hours that shine.” I’m fairly certain that that’s a quote from something, but since this entry is long enough as-is, I’m just going to move along.

To the acknowledgments. And ooh, boy, is there some good stuff here.

We start on a good note, with CC talking about how writing a novel is a “group effort”. But given how this is her third published novel, I’d think this wouldn’t be quite so shocking at this point.

The actual acknowledgements begin with what I assume to be writing groups, calling out a few members in particular, with thanks for the, “hours of plotting help.” Given that I’ve read this book, I have to wonder how much of said hours was actually spent on plotting.

CC gives shout-outs to a few other people for various things, like bringing her bagels, and showing her clips from Gossip Girl; one person gets thanked for presumably intimidating CC into actually writing (hint: if you require being threatened to write something, maybe that’s a sign).

She thanks someone for helping her with Romanian. Given that there’s only one instance of Romanian being spoken, I have to wonder why it was included in the first place.

(Actually, I don’t – I know exactly why it was included. The reason is probably about as stupid as you think it is.)

Thanks are given to her agent, editor, and publisher, which is fine and good. One person is specifically mentioned “for making changes long past deadline.” You know, CC, if you’re still making changes after the deadline, that kind of speaks poorly of you as a professional.

Final thanks go out to her family – mom, dad, other people (Siblings? Cousins? Who knows), and a Josh, “who still thinks Simon is based on him (and he may be right).” All I can say is that, given how Simon is treated, CC must really not like Josh.

One last thing before I call it a day: the epigraph. This book decides to open with a quote from Paradise Lost:

“Long is the way/ And hard, that out of Hell leads up to Light.”

Honestly, it wouldn’t be a Cassandra Clare book without a pretentious, totally out of context quote.

For the curious, this is from lines 432-433 of Book 2. It’s Lucifer, after he and his rebel angels have been cast out of heaven, getting down to business. Hell is a prison, and escaping is going to be tough. He goes on to describe just how tough, in excruciating detail.

But Lucifer, being the badass motherfucker that he is, will brave all those dangers, if only to prove that he is, in fact, worthy of still being their leader.

But that’s about all this quote means – getting out of Hell will be difficult.

Oh, sure, people can ascribe more meaning to it, but in context, it’s really not profound in any way whatsoever. It’s like this meme:

To quote the phrase often attributed to Freud – “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”

That’s all for now. Next time, we get into the actual meat of this book.

Counts

Entirely Pointless: 1

Comment [12]

Alright, so now that we’re all caught up and have gotten through the boring crap, let’s get to the actual meat of this thing.

Part one is called “Sparks Fly Upward.” The explanation (if you can call it that) comes from the quote, Job 5:7 – “Man is born to trouble as the sparks fly upward.” Like a lot of quotes CC chose to use in this series, it feels incredibly pretentious. I get what CC’s probably going for, but a big part of me can’t help but conclude that she only went with this quote because she liked the phrase “sparks fly upward.”

Chapter one is called “The Portal.” Knowing CC, the odds of any portals of any kind appearing in this chapter will be slim.

We begin by being told that a cold snap has ended. This is presumably to get across the point that the events of the last book occurred the previous week. And given that those events happened shortly after the events of the first book, it’s been less than a month since this series began.

At least I’m fairly sure of that – CC kinda sucks at conveying the passage of time, and no one’s mentioned any dates since Clary’s “two weeks until school starts” comment way back in the first book.

Anyway, Clary walks up to Luke’s porch where Simon’s playing Mario Kart on his Nintendo DS. At least, that’s what he says he’s playing; I’ve never played Mario Kart on the DS, but somehow I doubt playing it would involve poling the screen with the DS’s stylus.

Clary’s upset that Simon wasn’t there when she called him, but he explains that he was at band practice. Yes, we’re still going with that… I don’t know what to call it. “Sub-plot” seems a bit too substantial for it, given how much it’s been developed. Still, I continue to be far more interested in this than anything involving Clary, Jace, et al.

Clary, despite presumably having been to Luke’s house numerous times – not to mention living there for at least a week or more – somehow doesn’t know how to get the key to turn in the lock, so Simon has to do it for her. This is contrived purely so their hands can ‘accidentally’ brush, prompting the narration to explain about their failed romance. Which, again, occurred entirely in the previous week.

Oh, and by the way? The narration focuses entirely on Clary and how she feels about Simon. Because why focus on the party who was actually invested in the relationship?

Which brings us to our first count of the actual book:

Our “Heroes”: 1

Also, if Clary feels so “confused” whenever she deals with Simon, why was she trying to contact him in the first place?

Which brings us to our second count:

Plot Hole: 1

They head inside to Clary’s room, where she’s packing for the trip to the main (read: only) Shadowhunter city. So of course her suitcase is sitting open, with clothes and other stuff scattered around it.

Simon asks what’s up with the packing. Clary explains that she doesn’t have a lot of dresses or skirts, and doesn’t know if she can wear pants there. Simon, quite rightly, points out she’s just going to another country, not traveling through time, but Clary tries to justify her concern by claiming that Shadowhunters are “old-fashioned,” noting that Isabelle always wears dresses.

This whole thing is stupid, because A) I’d hardly call the Shadowhunters “old-fashioned” based on what the rest of them wear, and B) there’s a very simple solution – ask someone. You know plenty of people who could answer this question.

But never mind, because Clary’s just being super anxious, so she asks Simon to distract her by talking about practice. And CC decides to shake things up – instead of arguing about band names, this time they’re trying to come up with a new motto. I wasn’t aware that bands needed a motto. What were they considering?

“Something ironic, like ‘We’ve seen a million faces and rocked about eight percent of them.’”

Simon, that is not in any way ‘ironic’, not even in a “rain on your wedding day” sense. It’s just a joke referencing a Bon Jovi lyric. C’mon, man, you’re usually good for some half-way decent humor.

Clary asks if Simon told his band-mates that he’s a vampire. He says no. Then we get this:

“And besides, they’ll just think it makes you more of a rock god, like that vampire Lester.”
“Lestat,” Simon said. “That would be the vampire Lestat. And he’s fictional.”

Two things:

First: CC, you really shouldn’t be referencing the works of Anne Rice. I know she’s fallen quite a ways in recent years, but there’s a reason she got famous in the first place. I don’t think referencing better works of fiction is a good idea for you.

Second: does this conversation feel familiar? Because it should. This is almost literally the same conversation Clary and Simon had in the epilogue of the last book. Which, in-universe, probably happened maybe a few days ago. The only difference is that they’ve swapped rolls – Clary’s the one making the Lestat reference, and Simon shoots it down.

This does not bode well for this book. This means that a number of people – including CC herself, her beta readers, her editor, and possibly her agent – either didn’t know or didn’t care enough to check whether this was recycling material. And I’ll admit this: on my first read-through, even I didn’t realize it. It was only upon reaching this point in writing this up that I realized that CC literally just recycled her earlier stuff.

Again, this does not bode well for the quality of this book.

Moving on, Simon points out that Clary hasn’t told anyone about her being a Shadowhunter. Clary points out that she literally only has one friend: Simon. Show of hands – is anyone else surprised that Clary has no other friends? Mere words cannot express how surprised I am. So I’ll just let Captain Renault from Casablanca express how shocked I am by this:

Simon points out that Clary really didn’t have much of a choice in the matter, and I have to agree – if she and Jace hadn’t almost literally run into him while playing detective, I highly doubt Clary would have told Simon. Hell, I doubt she would have even spoken to Simon once she learned she was a super-awesome better-than-thou Shadowhunter.

But Simon is a better man than I, and instead tells Clary that he’ll miss her. Clary says the same, though I doubt her sincerity, especially given how giddy her internal monologue is, particularly at being there with Jace.

Which brings us to our third count:

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Then Simon asks the question that any semi-rational person might have asked, which makes me think that one of those people who missed the recycled dialogue must have brought it up – why does Clary have to go in the first place?

So CC pulls an answer out of her ass: the warlock who gave her mom the coma spell (a guy named Ragnor Fell – yet another awesome name utterly wasted by this series) doesn’t know Madeleine (the woman who met Clary at the end of the last book and claimed to know how to fix the whole ‘mom in a coma’ thing), so instead we’re banking on generational-xeroxing to get him to agree.

Sure, why not? I mean, it’s not like we could produce any kind of evidence that Madeleine knows Jocelyn, like say, a photo of them when they were younger or something. No, clearly the only solution is to hope that Clary looks enough like her mother to convince him that she is Jocelyn’s kid. And hope that Fell doesn’t just conclude that Clary’s a shape-shifter or an illusion or something, because who knows whether those things exist or not.

Also, why is this guy living in Shadowhunter-land in the first place? This isn’t like Harry Potter, where the magical humans live and work along side the magical non-humans. Despite all the attempts to make the Shadowhunters look like the good guys, they’re still racist assholes. Valentine wasn’t the rare exception – he was just more extreme.

Don’t believe me? Well, Clary also mentions that Luke can’t come with her to Shadowhunter-ville because Downworlders need permission to enter the city.

Oh, also, the Lightwoods and Jace are going along, because why not let the former terrorists/war criminals come and go freely from your capital city?

The scene ends with Clary telling Simon that Jace is totally fine with this whole trip. But the narration tells us that she’s lying. Jace isn’t fine with it. He’s not fine with it at all.

Scene break, and we’re in a flashback to just after the end of the previous book. Gotta say, putting this here actually works.

Seems that Clary went directly from the hospital to tell Jace about her meeting with Madeleine. Not to Luke, her surrogate father who’s clearly in love with Jocelyn and might know who Madeleine is, and whether she can be trusted. No, instead, she has to tell the brother she just learned about a week or so ago, and who has no connection to their mother at all.

For some reason, Jace is opposed to Clary going on her little jaunt.

I’m actually torn on this point: on the one hand, there’s really no reason why Clary has to be the one to go see Fell; but on the other hand, Jace has no right to tell her what she can or can’t do. So I’ll just split the difference and call them both idiots.

Also there’s going to be a big to-do in Shadowhunter-land (not to be confused with Shadowhunter World, which is in Florida): all the active members of the Clave are being called up to decide what to do about Valentine, so that’s why all the Lightwoods are going.

Again, I’m torn: it’s nice to see that the authorities are taking this seriously, but do they really need to call in everyone to discuss this? This seems pretty executive-decision to me.

Also, why do the kids need to come? As we’ll see, none of them save Alec are old enough to vote on this stuff, and the Lightwoods have no problem leaving their kids in New York (no, I don’t consider Hodge to have been a babysitter), so why are Jace, Isabelle, and Max being brought along?

Answer: so all the characters can be kept together.

So Clary asks why she can’t come, if all the Shadowhunters are supposed to go. Jace says that, “it isn’t safe for [her] there.” You’re really ramping up that “controlling douchebag” stat there, Jace.

Clary points out that she’s already been in plenty of danger without leaving New York, and we’re again told that the events of the previous books all took place in the last month. Seriously, CC really sucks at conveying the passage of time.

Jace tries to explain that away by saying that all that was because two of the MacGuffins were in New York. Which just goes to show why you don’t keep your plot coupons in the same place. Also, I was under the impression that the Silent City was in some kind of extra-dimensional space or something; no way it could have actually been under New York this whole time.

Maryse shows up and points out that they don’t know what Valentines’ going to do, and besides, the Clave wants to meet Clary. Jace gets mouthy, and Maryse displays a surprising amount of restraint by not slapping him upside the head. But she does make a good decision and quickly decides to just ignore Jace, and treats Clary like an adult. I’m not certain that Clary deserves it, but whatever.

Also, I have to note this bit of narration:

Alec and Isabelle seemed genuinely fond of their mother, and she was sure Maryse wasn’t a bad person, really, but she wasn’t exactly warm.

Why? Little reminder: Maryse Lightwood is this world’s Narcissa Malfoy, not Molly Weasley, despite all CC’s attempts to say otherwise. Just saying, I wouldn’t expect “warm” from Ilsa, she-wolf of the SS.

Clary and Jace have another little spat, in which we get this lovely little exchange:

“Maryse trusts the Clave too much,” said Jace. “She has to believe they’re perfect, and I can’t tell her they aren’t, because—” He stopped abruptly.
“Because that’s something Valentine would say.”

I bring this up because, especially on re-reading this, Jace has literally no justification for his stance. None. At all. Yes, the Inquisitor was mean to him, but A) she was just one person, and B) most of that was his own damn fault. So honestly, this just reads like CC couldn’t stand for Jace to be wrong or mislead, so she randomly slapped this attitude on him. And this won’t be the only time Jace has some random, baseless conviction that will prove to be correct.

Jace makes a comment about how, “no one is perfect,” leaving off the implicit, “except for me, that is.”

Clary asks if maybe there’s some other reason he doesn’t want her along, which gets a bit of her internal monologue about how she still wants to jump his bones, despite him claiming he doesn’t want to do the same to her (even though we all know it’s an obvious lie).

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Clary actually makes a comment about caring about her mother, which is impressive, given how she’s spent so much of this series not caring about the only parent she’s ever had.

Jace grabs Clary by the shoulders, which almost results in her creaming herself.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

And then we get a detailed accounting of how he looks, because of course we do.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4

Then CC demonstrates again that she doesn’t know much about art, and that making Clary an ‘artist’ was a big mistake:

[Jace] was a study in contrasts, something to be painted in shades of black, white, and gray, with splashes of gold here and there, like his eyes, for an accent color—

Gag me. And just for spite,

Both Hands, Ma’am: 5

Jace tries yet again to get Clary to agree to stay in New York, even offering to go with Madeleine in her place. And he still doesn’t provide any real justification for why Clary shouldn’t go. He tries bringing up that Madeline didn’t talk to him, just Clary, and Clary points out the obvious – while she’s Jocelyn’s daughter, Jace is Valentine’s son. Jace gets upset about this, but it’s true: he was raised by Valentine, taught by Valentine, and was more than willing to join up with Valentine when he came back.

There’s also the whole, ‘Jace doesn’t know and has no real connection to Jocelyn,’ thing, too.

So that’s why Jace is all pissy with Clary. And I don’t give a damn.

Another scene break brings the flashback to a close. And apparently Clary’s recollection might have happened in real-time, since she seems to have zoned out. Also, Jace hasn’t talked to her since then. But I don’t care, and neither should you. However, I do care that she decided that having her flashback was more important than paying attention to Simon, so I’m giving her one of these:

Our “Heroes”: 2

Anyway, Luke’s returned, and he bought something for Clary. The narration notes that “almost everything [Clary] owned now was a gift from Luke,” and since I’ve yet to see her so much as thank him, that gets her another one.

Our “Heroes”: 3

Yes, it’s minor, and not exactly unexpected, given what happened to her stuff, but a simple “thank you” wouldn’t be unwarranted.

So, what did Luke buy for Clary this time? A fancy green coat, that looks like something Shadowhunters wear, so she’ll blend in. They even have a little talk about how, technically, she is a Shadowhunter.

Then this happens:

Simon made an odd noise, and Clary looked guiltily at him – she’d almost forgotten he was there.

Yeah, that’s about par for the course.

Our “Heroes”: 4

Simon says he has to leave, but Clary tries to insist he stay, but he’s determined. Also, Clary thinks something’s bothering him, but doesn’t say anything, because that would show actual concern for Simon and his feelings or something.

Our “Heroes”: 5

Then Simon mentions that he’s going to meet up with Maia, the werewolf girl from the previous book, and Clary gets all huffy. Two things about this: first, once again, Clary only shows an interest in Simon in response to someone else’s interest in him. Remember, just a minute ago she literally almost forgot he was there.

Our “Heroes”: 6

Second, good on Simon. Dude deserves to hook up with a girl who’s actually interested in him. It doesn’t hurt that I actually like Maia, probably because CC has thus far shown little to no interest in her.

Oh, this bit is hilarious. Check it out:

Simon’s dark eyes were unreadable. This was new – [Clary had] always been able to read Simon before. She wondered if it was a side effect of the vampirism, or something else entirely.

You’re really going to try and make that claim, CC? When Clary couldn’t tell that Simon had a crush on her, despite it being obvious to literally everyone else?

Clary complains to Luke that Simon’s acting weird, and Luke points out that she did break up with him. Clary says that Simon’s the one who broke up with her, only for Luke to rightly point out that Simon only did that because Clary wasn’t interested in him. He also makes a reference to Say Anything, which I’m okay with, since Luke’s an older guy.

Clary says she wants Simon back to normal, buy which I assume she means following her like a puppy. She puts on the coat, and suddenly things get way creepier: Luke says that Clary looks just like her mom at that age, which given how he clearly wants to bone Jocelyn, really makes me want to take a shower. There’s this whole Littlefinger/ Sansa thing coming off of it.

[shudder]

Anyway, Clary wants to say goodbye to her mom before leaving – don’t expect to see it, though – and Luke makes this comment:

“Normal isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

Well, given how Clary jumped head-first into this whole Shadowhunter thing, I doubt Clary needs to be told that.

Scene break, and now we’re in Simon’s POV. He’s standing outside the Institute, because we’re tying to save money for the new sets, which is odd, because this is a book. Also, because CC continues to capitalize Institute, we get another count:

You Keep Using That Word: 1

While Simon’s standing there, a voice in his head telling him he shouldn’t be there, because it’s a church, and he’s a vampire. Simon responds with this:

“Shut up,” he muttered halfheartedly. “Besides, I don’t care about churches. I’m Jewish.”

First, they made a similar joke in Fearless Vampire Killers.

Second, there it was at least kind of funny, so we get another count.

Rapier Twit: 1

There’s a description of Simon hearing voices and mistakenly thinking that they’re close by, but really it’s just his fancy vampire super-hearing. Credit where due, I like this – it shows how Simon’s still adjusting to being a vampire. However, CC also throws in the terms “Turned” and “Institute,” so two more of these.

You Keep Using That Word: 3

Simon walks around to find the source of the voices, and it’s the Lightwoods, Madeline, and Magnus. Everyone else gets a sentence or less describing them, but Jace gets a whole damn paragraph. And even though this is from Simon’s perspective, CC can’t bother to differentiate her characters:

When Simon wore all black, he looked like he was on his way to a funeral, but Jace just looked tough and dangerous. And blonder. Simon felt his shoulders tighten and wondered if anything – time, or forgetfulness – would ever dilute his resentment of Jace. He didn’t want to feel it, but there it was, a stone weighting down his unbeating heart.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 6

Seriously, does everyone have to describe Jace as being attractive? I get Clary, but Simon? If anything, Simon should be noting all the little flaws in Jace’s appearance.

And why the hell shouldn’t Simon feel this way? Since they met, Jace has been nothing but a condescending asshole to Simon. Even after Simon not only saved the lives of Jace, Alec, and Isabelle, but also took down with a single shot the demon that wiped the floor with all three of them. Which, according to this book’s timeline, was only about two or three weeks ago.

But I guess that’s what happens when you hit the reset button on character development between books.

Jace notices Simon, and tells Maryse that he needs to take care of something. And somehow, I’m supposed to read this as Jace addressing Maryse as an equal, rather than a teenager talking to their parent. Because again, we have to make Jace seem more special.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 7

Simon manages to eavesdrop on a conversation between Maryse and Magnus. Apparently Magnus is setting up a temporary Portal to Shadowhunter-land, but it’s taking a while.

You Keep Using That Word: 4 (for “Portal”)

Also, Magnus is only charging them half his normal rate for this, because these folks have no qualms about taking advantage of his relationship with Alec, even when they’re supposedly trying to keep that a secret.

Our “Heroes”: 7

Also also, Madeleine is staying behind. So, how was Clary supposed to find this guy Fell on her own, again?

Also also also, wasn’t there another Portal in New York? I know that Valentine destroyed one in the first book, but what about the one in Madame Dorothea’s closet? You know, from way back in the first book? What happened to that one? Did it get wrecked off-screen? Or did CC just forget it exists?

Plot Hole: 2

And apparently Clary’s obliviousness is catching, because Simon fails to notice Jace until he gets dragged off by him. Apparently Jace wants a private chat, going so far as to stick a note on Simon’s window. And despite CC’s attempts, Simon still manages to be the best character, because he responds with this:

“Don’t you ever use the phone like normal people?”

And Jace proves that he’s still a racist prick, because he responds with this:

“Not if I can avoid it, vampire.”

Our “Heroes”: 8

I said this several times in the last book, but I’ll say it again here: would it kill you to use his name?

For some reason, Jace feels the need to comment on Simon being immune to sunlight. Simon saves me the time by pointing out that, not only was this established at the end of the last book, but Jace was there when we found out. They engage in a short battle of wits, which Jace loses, because he’s unarmed. Though this doesn’t keep CC from making excuses for him.

Anyway, Jace asked Simon here to talk about Clary, because they both care about her. There’s a brief bit where Simon thinks Jace is going to make fun of him for his feelings, which is described as, “unusually cruel, even for Jace.”

Quick reminder: Jace’s initial comment about Simon’s feelings for Clary (i.e. that he was clearly in love with her, and she was completely oblivious) was that he found it funny. So, no, this would not be “unusually cruel” for Jace; if anything, it’s completely in keeping with his character. CC, I know it took you a long time to write this, but if I can remember stuff like this, you can, too.

Simon also proves to be more insightful than Clary, since it takes one look for him to figure out that Jace still has the hots for her, despite the whole “she’s your sister” thing.

Anyway, we finally get to why Jace wanted to talk to Simon – he and the Lightwoods are leaving for Shadowhunter-land now, and he wants Simon to tell everyone that Clary sent him to say she won’t be coming.

Simon says no, because this is to help Jace, and Jace argues that he’s just trying to protect Clary. Simon again voices my feelings, and points that Jace is being really secretive about this, and that’s not helping his case.

So Jace finally comes clean: he doesn’t want the Clave learning about what Clary did on Valentine’s ship, and Jace lied about what happened because he fears that if the Clave finds out, they’ll try to make Clary into a weapon. And I have to say, this is probably the first time in three books that I’ve actually seen Jace show real concern for another person. Which is kinda disturbing, considering he’s supposed to be the big hero and all.

Simon points out that Jace is being a bit selfish, which is fair, and Jace calls him “vampire” again. Not once in this conversation has he used Simon’s name.

Our “Heroes”: 9

But now this conversation has served its purpose, there’s a sudden attack on the others!

The garden is filled with mist that smells of ozone and “something sweet and unpleasant.” Don’t ask me how that works. Isabelle is fighting with her whip, and it’s still a stupid choice of weapon.

Jace enters, and we finally find out what’s attacking – Forsaken. So I guess someone reminded CC that these things exist.

There’s a fight. It’s okay, I guess. I feel it’s mostly there to show Jace being badass or whatever. Simon doesn’t get to participate, though, because Jace tells him not to. Call me crazy, but I’d think the super-strong, super-fast vampire might be useful in a fight, but that’s me. Then the smoke clears, and Magnus opens the Portal

You Keep Using That Word: 7 (“Portal” x 3, also “Institute”)

and everyone starts piling through.

Simon sees a Forsaken about to get an unconscious Isabelle (because of course she’s the only one among the main cast to get taken down, but that’s what you get for using a whip in combat), only to trip over the dead body of Madeleine.

Rest in peace, lady. We hardly knew ye.

Seriously, we know nothing about her. She’s literally a plot device.

Jace yells at Simon, just in time for Simon to notice the Forsaken about to stab him.

And that’s where the chapter ends.

While I guess it’s not a terrible way to end a chapter, but I can’t help but feel that it’s really forced drama. I mean, did anyone reading this for the first time actually believe that Simon would get killed? This is CC we’re talking about – she wouldn’t have Clary’s chew-toy bite it like that.

Well, that’s all for now. Until next time, folks.

Counts

Both Hands, Ma’am: 6 (Total: 6)
Entirely Pointless: 0 (Total: 1)
Our “Heroes”: 9 (Total: 9)
Plot Hole: 2 (Total: 2)
Rapier Twit: 1 (Total: 1)
You Keep Using That Word: 7 (Total: 7)

Comment [6]

Hey, folks, I’m back. Time to get to chapter two.

First off, I want to give credit where it’s due – “The Demon Towers of Alicante” is an awesome title. It’d be great for a sword & sorcery type story, or a metal album. Which makes its use here that much sadder.

And to start off, we’re in Clary’s head. Joy. She’s with Luke, and they’re looking for street-side parking. They’ve now circled the same block three times. While I appreciate this touch of realism, I’m once again forced to ask this question – why is this treated like a surprise? Both of these characters have lived in New York for over a decade. That New York is not a car friendly city should not be news. Why did you not expect this?

Anyway, Luke finally gives up, pulls in next to a fire hydrant, tells Clary to get going, and that he’ll be along soon with her luggage. Why he doesn’t just tell Clary to carry her own stuff, I don’t know. Given the aforementioned parking issues, I think it’d be easier. He also tries to comfort Clary by saying that the Lightwoods will take care of her. Odd statement, considering that until about a week ago, the last time he saw them, they were trying to kill him.

Clary gets out and starts walking up to the Institute’s front door.

You Keep Using That Word: 1 (“Institute”)

There’s a nice bit of description of the glamour over the facility peeling away, but then I’m once again reminded of just how shitty the security on this place is. Clary touches the doorknob and starts to mentally recite the Shadowhunter Pledge of Allegiance just like Jace in the last book, and the door swings open before she even finishes.

Oh, there’s also a noticeable odd smell, but this only elicits a frown from Clary. Given that one of descriptors is “burning”, I’d think she’d be a bit more concerned. She walks around the place for a while, and the first sign that something’s off is that all the candles in the chapel or whatever are out.

(Sidebar: who lights those, anyway? I get the feeling that the public doesn’t actually use this place as a church, so why even bother maintaining it as one? Do the Lightwoods and other Shadowhunters use it? Shadowhunters don’t seem especially religious. Is it the only way to ensure that it’s holy ground? What’s the deal?)

Clary then goes to the elevator, and that doesn’t work. Also, apparently the power’s out. Also also, the narration’s used the term “Institute” twice now, so two more dings.

You Keep Using That Word: 3

Clary actually starts to panic now, and heads back outside, where she notices the burning smell again. Then Magnus appears to inform both Clary and the reader that no, there was not a fire. What Clary’s smelling is something called “hellmist”, though Magnus also describes it as a kind of smoke, so I either he or CC doesn’t understand that there’s a difference between smoke and mist.

Magnus tells Clary about the attack on the Institute,

You Keep Using That Word: 4

(and suddenly it’s “hellsmoke,” not “hellmist,”)

You Keep Using That Word: 5

and how everyone else – except Madeleine – escaped through the Portal.

You Keep Using That Word: 6

Also, when Magnus brings up the attack, Clary’s first concern is for Jace.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Clary gets all upset about Madeleine’s death, because Madeleine knew Clary’s mom before she went on the lamb, or as Clary thinks of it, “her real mother, the tough, fighting Shadowhunter that Clary had never known.” Yeah, as opposed to the woman who ran away from all that and raised Clary.

Our “Heroes”: 1

Then Luke shows up, and Magnus gives him the run-down, though thankfully we don’t have to sit through it again. Luke asks about the Forsaken, and Magnus says that they left the minute everyone else got through the Portal.

You Keep Using That Word: 7

And I hope you enjoyed that little cameo by the Forsaken, because they will never appear again in this book. In fact, the whole attack is completely forgotten after this. How and why Valentine sent them – assuming he sent them at all – are never addressed. There was literally one reason (well, two if you count offing Madeleine) for their attack, and it could have been easily addressed via other means. Making that whole thing,

Entirely Pointless: 1

Clary asks about the Portal, wanting to know if Magnus can send her through.

You Keep Using That Word: 9

Magnus says no, because the Portal is closed.

You Keep Using That Word: 10

So Clary tells him to open up another one, prompting Magnus to explain why that’s not a great idea:

“The Clave guards any magical entry into Alicante very carefully. Their capital is a holy place to them – it’s like their Vatican, their Forbidden City. No Downworlders can come there without permission, and not mundanes.”

Interesting analogy. Except that I’m fairly certain that the Vatican Guard doesn’t require Protestants, Muslims, Jews, or any other non-Catholics to get permission to enter. And I’m fairly certain that it wasn’t actually “forbidden” for most people to enter the Forbidden City; it’s just that it was the place where the Emperor lived.

Anyway, Clary proclaims that she’s a Shadowhunter, and Magnus forcefully reminds her that she’s only barely one. Thank you. Seriously, Clary seems to have forgotten that, until a few weeks ago, she thought she was a normal person.

Magnus goes on to explain that you can’t just open a Portal to Shadowhunter Disney – not because it’s not possible, but because he’d be breaking the Law by doing so. Or something. It’s a bit confusing. Also,

You Keep Using That Word: 13 (two for variants of Portal, one for Law)

But whatever the reason is, Magnus isn’t willing to risk his ass to help Clary with this. Which prompts me to wonder when and why he likes her in the first place. When did they ever have the opportunity to develop any kind of relationship? Does CC not realize just how much she borked her character development by crunching down her timeline?

But Clary continues to insist that she just has to go, and says that there has to be a non-Portal means of getting there.

You Keep Using That Word: 14

So now Luke points out some other problems: namely, that the nearest airport is in another country (though I’m sure both France and Germany have smaller, regional airports, but whatever), that just getting across the boarder is a problem in itself, and that even then, they’d have to go through lots of Downworlder territory.

A)That’s kinda racist. Why would they be dangerous? Because they’re Downworlders? Newsflash, Luke – so are you!

Our “Heroes”: 2

B)Why are there Downworlders living in Shadowhunter land in the first place? Why would they choose to live there?

So Clary tries very, very hard not to cry about this. Luke says they can contact the Lightwoods and have them talk to Fell, but Clary once again insists that she’s the only one who can do it, for no reason other than because the Plot says so. Also, I have to wonder how they’d contact the Lightwoods – do they even have cell phone reception in Shadowhunter land?

It’s at this moment that Magnus pipes in and tells them that he knows Fell, and can totally tell him to expect Jace. Which makes all this drama feel even more forced – seriously, half the problems in this book would be solved if everyone would just talk to each other.

But instead of being happy about this, Clary runs off, all upset that she’s effectively been relegated to sitting on the side-lines. I’m sure CC intended for this to be seen as her being all determined and frustrated at her situation, but to me, it looks like a toddler throwing a tantrum. And honestly, how is this really all that different than any other situation in these books?

So Clary runs around to where the attack occurred, and apparently demon magic smells “sharp.” That’s the only descriptor, so now I think it smells like cheese. Personally, I would have gone with something traditional, like brimstone, but that’s me. Clary looks around for a bit, and finds the Portal. Or what’s left of it.

You Keep Using that Word: 15

And I’m sure you can all guess what she’s going to do, right?

Yep: she pulls out her magic not-wand

You Keep Using that Word: 16

and – with almost no effort on her part whatsoever – she opens it back up. Because should she even be mildly inconvenienced by something like this?

There’s mention of an “acidic smell of burning,” which confuses the hell out of me, and then, poof – the Portal opens up.

You Keep Using that Word: 17

And it’s only at this point that Clary (or possibly CC) remembers how these things are supposed to work – you need to be able to picture where you’re going. Then again, that didn’t stop Clary from popping up in Luke’s backyard despite having no idea where she was going, but who cares. Also, this:

You Keep Using that Word: 19 (“Portal,” twice)

But – once again – Clary has a handy work-around! See, since she’s seen Alicante in her dreams, and that’s totally the same as seeing it in real life! So she reaches for the Portal

You Keep Using that Word: 20

only for Luke and Magnus to show up and try to stop Clary from going through the Portal

You Keep Using that Word: 21

but Clary’s determined, and she steps through the Portal anyway,

You Keep Using that Word: 22

with Luke grabbing on to her as she goes through the Portal.

You Keep Using that Word: 23

(Yeah, the Random Capitalization is really, really annoying.)

Thankfully, the scene ends there and we pick up with Simon. So, that alone is somewhat of an improvement.

Simon wakes up to the sound of waves, which gives him a mini-PTSD flashback to being on Valentine’s boat. But he quickly realizes that he’s not back on the boat, and is fine. Now, it’s been a little while since I finished this book, but I’m fairly certain this never happens again. Which really makes me wonder why it’s here in the first place.

Entirely Pointless: 2

Simon takes in his surroundings. In short – he’s in a bedroom. It’s dark, but only because the curtains are drawn, not because it’s night out. There’s also someone sitting in a chair near the bed. It’s Isabelle, but for some reason, CC doesn’t just tell us that up-front, instead waiting for Simon to say her name.

Simon starts to move around, and for some reason the first thing he notices is that he’s still wearing the same clothes. I don’t know why he’d make a note of that, unless they felt like he’d been in them for a few days.

The second thing he notices is that Isabelle is asleep. She wakes up when Simon says her name, and this is literally the second sentence out of her mouth, after noting that he’s awake (I’ll skip the count, because that is the kind of thing people say in these sorts of situations):

“Jace’ll be so relieved.”

Bull. Shit. Jace has yet to show any concern for Simon save in the most fleeting and desperate of circumstances. Hell, if it weren’t for Jace, Simon wouldn’t even be in this situation in the first place.

Anyway, Isabelle says that everyone thought he was a goner, and Simon asks why, and where he is. Isabelle explains about the attack, and that after Simon tripped over Madeleine’s body, he got stabbed by a Forsaken. Oh, and Jace saved him, because of course Jace had to be the one to save him. And not only did Jace drag Simon along with them, he also took down that Forsaken single-handed and dragged Simon through the Portal. And speaking of the P-word, some quick record keeping:

You Keep Using That Word: 25 (“Portal” x 2, “Institute”)

But of course Jace is in a bit of trouble for bringing Simon along. So expect him to lord that over Simon, along with the “saved your life” thing.

Simon wonders how the hell he managed to not notice getting stabbed. As a matter of fact, so am I. I mean, I get that that kind of thing can be pretty traumatic, but come on.

So Isabelle decides to show Simon, by pulling up his shirt and stroking the scar. And CC immediately starts to set up her next love-triangle. The narration starts going on about how he’s always thought Isabelle was hot, and how she “[burns] bright” and might be able to make him forget about Clary (good luck there, buddy – you’re only allowed to forget about Clary when she wants you to). But here’s the really fun bit:

“It was right around the time she’d gotten him turned into a rat at Magnus Bane’s loft party that he’d realized maybe Isabelle burned a little too bright for an ordinary guy like him.”

Yep. Even when complementing Isabelle, it has to be done in a back-handed manner.

And then things get worse – Jace shows up. He somehow managed to come in through the presumably closed door without Simon’s super-vampire senses noticing, because of course he’s just that awesome.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

And, just to cause me further agony, he gets mouthy.

“Molesting the vampire while he’s too weak to fight back, Iz?” he asked. “I’m pretty sure that violates at least one of the Accords.”

Says the guy who in the first book ran off to have morning make-out session with a fairy waitress, and in the second book started a fight in a werewolf bar because he felt pissy. Fuck off, Jace – you have ZERO room to criticize Isabelle.

Our “Heroes”: 3

And of course, rather than tell Jace where he can stick his smart-ass comments, Isabelle gets a bit flustered and starts making excuses. Because CC won’t let me have any nice things.

Jace then explains that Maryse Lightwood went to some place called “the Guard” with someone named Patrick to talk to the Clave and someone named Malachi. And here’s the part where I remind you that this place is supposed to sandwiched between France and Germany. And while “Patrick” might work (given the correct pronunciation), somehow I can’t imagine a lot of folks in that region going by “Malachi.”

Shoddy World Building: 1

(Also, I’m not adding “Guard” to the list of Words because there’s only the one, so I’m okay with it being capitalized)

And now it’s Simon’s turn to hold the idiot ball, because he asks what Mama Lightwood has to explain, and Jace points out the obvious – Simon. Because, as we know, bringing Downworlders into Shadowhunter City is against the Law. Which Jace also points out.

You Keep Using That Word: 26

Simon is shocked, shocked to learn that he’s in Shadowhunter City. And I have to ask why – he knew where they were heading (in general, anyway), he knew that he got dragged along with them, and he knew that he wasn’t in the wilderness somewhere. Why is he surprised by this?

Suddenly, Simon’s vampire hunger strikes. Why it’s so sudden, I don’t know. Presumably to force some drama. Of course, we aren’t told that right away. Simon just suddenly doubles over, and when Isabelle shows some concern for him, he tells her to leave. And while I can understand Isabelle being upset by this, I refuse to imagine she’d flounce out of the room. I can’t handle anyone being more petulant than Clary.

It also doesn’t help that he only tells Isabelle to leave. Not Isabelle and Jace, just Isabelle. And he doesn’t explain why. I really don’t understand that last bit – it’s not like Isabelle doesn’t know Simon’s a vampire. I’ve heard that Simon becomes a bit of a jerk in the following books – looks like she’s started the transition already.

Our “Heroes”: 4

Jace asks what’s up, and Simon explains, and here’s Jace’s response:

“The faint concern left [Jace’s] expression, to be replaced by something that looked to Simon like amused contempt.”

Which is, let’s face it, Jace’s normal expression. Dude’s got a nasty case of resting bitch face.

Simon responds accordingly. Jace gets mildly offended when Simon refers to Jace by his last name (or at least the one he was raised with, not his real one), which is funny, considering Jace has almost never referred to Simon by either his first or last name, instead addressing him by his species.

Jace starts to take his jacket off, and Simon insists that he’s not going to drink Jace’s blood again. And I feel I have to show you how he says it:

“I’m not — drinking your blood — again.”

Seriously, what is up with that punctuation? I feel like ellipses might have been more appropriate.

Jace gives a smarmy response – as if he has any other – and pulls out a flask of meat juice. Not actual blood, mind – he literally squeezed the juice from some raw meat he found in the kitchen.

Nevertheless, it does the job, and we get some actually interesting lore – fresher blood tastes better. And I have to ask how Simon knows this, given that he’s only ever had blood from one living being that we know of. And Jace has to gloat about how amazing his blood must taste, because Jace is an egotistical little shit.

This does result in at least one actual good line from Simon, though.

“There’s something very wrong with you,” he said. “Mentally, I mean.”

That’s putting it mildly, Simon.

Now that Simon’s recovered, Jace explains a bit more about where they are. They’re currently staying with a family called the Penhallows. And again, what more Franco-Germanic surname than one that’s shared by a hamlet in Cornwall?

Shoddy World Building: 2

They both go to the curtains, and we get our first look at the Shadowhunter city.

That is, after we get a description of a trip Simon once went on with his family to Tuscany. Which kinda makes me wonder just what Simon’s mom does for a living, given that she appears to be a single mother of two living in New York City. I’m just saying , that doesn’t exactly scream “vacation in Italy” to me. Also, the whole “being Jewish” think makes me think that, if they were likely to take a very rare week-long vacation overseas, there might be a few other places they’d be more likely to visit.

After that little detour, we get a description of the city. It’s fine. For all the things I complain about from CC, she does have a way of painting a good picture with her words – when she doesn’t start waxing poetic about her characters, that is.

But despite her insistence that this city is so weird, there’s only really one weird thing about it – the giant towers peppering the city made of the same material as Shadowhunter not-lightsabers. These would be the eponymous demon towers, which prevent demons from entering the city, as Jace kindly explains.

Anyway, Simon asks if bringing him here was an accident. Jace gives a sarcastic answer, because of course he does.

Rapier Twit: 1

You Keep Using That Word: 27 (“Institute”)

And given that we never learn who created those Forsaken, or why they attacked at that particular time, I feel that Jace doing it for really stupid reasons is just as probable as Valentine at this point.

Then Jace goes back to treating Simon the same way he always does – being a nasty, condescending asshole.

Our “Heroes”: 5 (“vampire”)

You Keep Using That Word: 28 (“Portal”)

Simon tries to say that he could have stayed behind, and Jace actually admits that he does have his limits. And Simon is ready to jump on that admission:

“And yet,” Simon said, “I bet it pains you to admit that.”

Which leads to Jace being bitchy:

“You’re an ass,” Jace said, without inflection, “even for a Downworlder. I saved your life and broke the Law to do it. Not for the first time, I might add. You could show a little gratitude.”

Now, before I address this, let’s get some quick counts out of the way.

Our “Heroes”: 7 (one for the racism, another demanding Simon’s gratitude, which I’ll get to in a second)

You Keep Using That Word: 30 (“hellmist” and “Law”)

Now, on to my response:

First: FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE COCKGOBLIN.

Simon doesn’t owe you a damn thing. If it weren’t for you, he wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place! If it weren’t for you, he wouldn’t have been at the Institute to begin with! Hell, if it weren’t for you, he’d probably still be alive! If it weren’t for you, he’d still be living a normal life!

And since he got dragged into YOUR shit, you’ve been nothing but a condescending, racist asshole to him. Again, you almost never refer to Simon by his name, even when being “nice” to him. And you want him to show you “gratitude”?

And as for the “saving his life” you’ve maybe done that once. When you let him drink your blood on Valentine’s boat. But before that? Nope. When you and Clary went to rescue him from the vampires in the first book? Yeah, remember – they weren’t going to eat him. In fact, it was you who started shit by attacking the vampires’ leader.

And on top of that, Simon literally saved not just your life, but the lives of Clary, Alec, and Isabelle. You remember that, right? When that demon kicked all your asses, and Simon came in at the last minute and one-shot the thing? Yeah, how much “gratitude” have you shown to Simon after that? Not a damn bit.

Fuck off, you little shit.

Simon does point out that first bit about Simon being at the Institute,

You Keep Using That Word: 31

and Jace tries – and utterly fails – to argue that him being here somehow falls under the category of “do anything to protect Clary.” Because even someone with as much shit for brains as Jace should be able to figure out that Simon’s presence here will in no way whatsoever protect Clary. Simon’s involvement in your little scheme was entirely unnecessary.

Plot Hole: 1

But before Simon can really start ripping into Jace, Isabelle knocks at the door, and doesn’t do anything to ingratiate herself with me.

“Hello?” Isabelle called from the other side. “Simon, is your diva moment over? I need to talk to Jace.”

Our “Heroes”: 8

“Diva moment”? Really? I mean, yeah, I get that Simon was an ass for not telling you what was up, but that doesn’t mean you get to down-play what he was going through.

I swear, CC just wants me to hate every character in this book.

Jace – not Simon – tells Isabelle to come in. He also gives Simon a look that makes Simon want to hit him with a pickup truck. I sympathize.

Isabelle comes in, and we have to point out that her arms and shoulders are bare, and covered in runes. Because apparently she has to hide this stuff in New York. Somehow, I don’t think that a girl – or boy, for that matter – with full-sleeve tattoos on both arms would draw all that much attention in New York.

You Keep Using That Word: 32 (“Marks”)

Isabelle tells them that Alec’s going to the Guard, and wants to speak to Jace about Simon before he goes. Jace starts to head out, and Simon follows. Jace tells Simon to stay.

Our “Heroes”: 9

Simon once again responds the way a real person would:

“If you’re going to be discussing me, I want to be there for it.”

Damn right, Simon.

This display of actual spine really pisses Jace off, but like a true sociopath, he turns that off the second he realizes that it won’t make him look good, and agrees to acknowledge Simon’s basic autonomy, while also failing to give him the basic respect of using his name.

Our “Heroes”: 10

Scene break, and we’re back with Clary. I honestly don’t know whether I should be happy about that or not.

There’s a description of the previous time Clary went through a Portal,

You Keep Using That Word: 33

and how this time feels different. Maybe it has something to do with the distance being traveled, which would be an interesting bit of world building. If it were ever addressed.

Anyway, Clary comes out over a lake, and predictably lands in the water, nearly drowning, but Luke manages to drag her out and give her CPR until she finally tells him to stop. Also, he’s really, really pissed.

Luke asks Clary a few questions: first, if she coughed up all the water; and second, does she still have her mom’s not-wand. Interesting priorities there.

You Keep Using That Word: 34

Clary’s answers are that she believes she coughed up all the lake water, but see seems to have dropped her mother’s not-wand in the lake, which makes her feel really upset.

You Keep Using That Word: 35

I don’t understand why. I mean, if her mother were dead, and it was something very important to her mother, sure. But her mom’s not dead, and it’s clearly not that important to her. CC, stop trying to convince me that Clary really cares that much about her mom. I’m not buying it.

Luke asks if Clary’s really all right. She says she is, and then actually asks a good question – why would she need her not-wand?

You Keep Using That Word: 36

Instead of answering, Luke stares of at the backdrop. Clary does the same, giving us a description of the area. Again, it’s fine. They’re sitting next to a lake. Clary wonders if she saw the light reflecting off the lake while still in the Portal.

You Keep Using That Word: 37

Clary asks if Luke went wolf in the water (the description of what saved her sounded about right), and he confirms that he did. Because his wolf form can swim better, and is stronger. I question the former, but I’ll grant the second.

Clary says that Luke wasn’t supposed to come with her, and he rightly points out that she’d be dead if he hadn’t. He then goes on the chastise her for her recklessly trying to Portal into the city, when Magnus told her not to.

You Keep Using That Word: 38

Clary tries to counter that Magnus only said it was against the Law, not that something would stop her.

You Keep Using That Word: 39

And Luke gives such a wonderful response I have to show it to you:

“He told you there were wards up around the city that prevent Portaling into it. It’s not his fault you decided to play around with magic you just barely understand. Just because you have power doesn’t mean you know how to use it.”

Oh, it’s so beautiful to see someone finally take Clary to task. Now, if only she had to deal with these kinds of consequences more often.

Clary asks where they are, and Luke answers – Lake Lyn. Evidently, the Portal dropped them off a few miles from the city.

You Keep Using That Word: 40

Clary doesn’t quite believe him, so Luke points towards some hills and explains that the city’s on the other side, and gets to walking. I do have to question just how far it is, though – Luke says they could be in the city in an hour with a car, but walking will take the entire afternoon. So, how far is it? I can’t believe it’s still early, because of the time difference.

Whatever. Clary’s none too happy about this, but Luke ain’t having it. The geography kind of makes any other direction too dangerous, especially given their current condition. Clary tries to apologize, but once again Luke rips into her, and I have another perfect quote:

“You were just upset about being left behind, like a child, and you had a tantrum. And now we’re here.”

I only wish this Luke would stick around longer. It’s nice having someone around to rip into the characters without being painted as being the bad guy for it.

So they get to walking. Clary’s coat doesn’t dry, so she gets the added fun of walking in a heavy, wet coat, while also trying to keep up with Luke. She’s also amazed that her apologizing didn’t make Luke stop being mad at her. Yeah, well, you decided to put both him and yourself in danger because you didn’t want to get left behind on the trip, so I think his anger is justified.

And then we get a travel montage. There’s mention of cliffs, which I find odd, as Luke said they’d pass through some hills. How tall are these hills? At what point do they become mountains?

After a while, they get to more open territory, but the city is nowhere in sight. Luke figures that they must be further from the city than he thought. Or, as I prefer to think, they got lost. Because geography doesn’t tend to change that much. Clary suggests they find a bigger road, and maybe try to hitchhike into the city. Luke explains that there aren’t any cars in Shadowhunter-land, because the wards around the place mess with machines. In fact, most modern tech doesn’t work in Shadowhunter-land. Which I guess kind of explains some things, but not others. It explains why they don’t have things like cell-phones in Shadowhunter-land, but not why no one uses guns. Yes, I still think that doesn’t make sense.

So now, for no apparent reason, Luke decides to explain what’s up with Lake Lyn. There’s no docks or boats or anything on the lake, not because it’s so out of the way (though I think a several mile cross-country hike might qualify as “out of the way”), but rather because it’s cursed. Or rather, poisonous, at least to Shadowhunters. Perfectly fine for Downworlders, though. In fact, fairies drink the water to have visions, which I’m choosing to interpret as crazy drug trips. But apparently for Shadowhunters, it causes hallucinations, fever, and insanity.

Oh, there’s also some world building and heavy-handed foreshadowing. See, Lake Lyn is where Raziel first appeared to the first Shadowhunter, Jonathan Shadowhunter, and gave him the magical MacGuffins. My, what a very Franco-German name that is!

Shoddy World Building: 3

Also, didn’t we establish that a warlock summoned Raziel? What’s up with this “appeared” nonsense?

Plot Hole: 2

Moving on, apparently the fairies call the lake “the Mirror of Dreams.” If you’re making certain connections between this, and that the last MacGuffin is a mirror, congratulations – you’re smarter than pretty much everyone in this book’s cast.

So, this is why Luke wanted to be sure Clary didn’t have any of the water in her system. Oh, and also why he asked about her not-wand.

You Keep Using That Word: 41

See, basic healing spells can keep the water’s effects under control for a while, but without one, they need to get to the city quick, because Luke knows someone who can help save Clary. And then we get this bit of dialogue that I’m sure sounded great in CC’s head, but just makes me cringe:

“But I thought you said it was against the Law for Downworlders to come into Alicante without permission.”
His answering smile was a reminder of the Luke who had caughte her when she’d fallen off the jungle gym as a child, the Luke who had always protected her. “Some Laws were meant to be broken.”

God, I can practically hear CC’s thoughts after writing that. It’s the kind of cheesy line that gets used in movie trailers. Well, CC, I’ll let Gandalf say it for me:

Also, you get two of these.

You Keep Using That Word: 43

Scene break, and we’re back to Simon again. We get a description of the “Penhallow’s [sic]” house,

You Keep Using That Word: 44

(I honestly missed that one the first time), and how it’s somehow like the Institute,

You Keep Using That Word: 45

except that there’s really not that much similarity, other than maybe use of an older general architectural style. Also, it’s decorated with a bunch of Asian stuff. Why? Because Mrs. Penhallow ran the Beijing Institute. Also, her first name is Jia. This – along with the East-Asian style artwork depicting Shadowhunters – leads me to assume she’s of at least partial Asian descent. But that can’t be, because we established in the first book that Shadowhunters don’t interbreed with non-Shadowhunters. And since Shadowhunters originated in Alsace-Lorraine or wherever, that kind of gives the impression that they’re all – or at least mostly – White.

Shoddy World Building: 4

CC, if you’re going to have a rule be a critical part of your first book, you can’t just toss it aside because you got bored with it.

Jace tries to hurry Simon and Isabelle along, and does so by being rude. Simon considers being rude back, but doesn’t, because again, no one’s allowed to be mean to Jace. They head downstairs. The living room is described as “an odd mixture of the old and the new.” However, since there’s no TV, DVDs, or CDs, and Simon can’t actually see the stereo playing music, apparently CC considers couches to be as “new.”

Alec’s down there, along with two new characters, because that’s what this series really needed; I mean, we can barely develop the ones we have, so why not toss in a few more? They are Aline Penhallow and Sebastian Verlac.

Aline quickly demonstrates both how CC only knows how to write two types of non-Clary girls, and that she apparently has trouble keeping her characterizations straight, even between a few paragraphs. How? Well, first Aline looks at Simon and declares him, “cute, for a Downworlder,” and then, not two paragraphs later, won’t shake hands with Downworlders, and declares that vampires don’t have souls, which is why they don’t have reflections and can’t go out in the sun.

Our “Heroes”: 11

Meanwhile, Sebastian is the reasonable one, trying to get Aline to not be, well, quite so openly racist. Remind me again – why is Valentine considered a bad guy by these people?

In response to Aline’s comments, Simon steps directly into a beam of sunlight. Aline and Sebastian are both surprised that Simon doesn’t, I don’t know, burst into flames, and express their amazement, Jace gets a bit snippy with them.

Then, apropos of nothing, Isabelle mentions that she kissed Simon once. Your guess is as good as mine.

And apparently the New York branch as a reputation for being pretty freewheeling. I’m surprised by this, because somehow I don’t see former not-Death Eaters going on to be the ultra-liberal, tolerant ones.

Alec tells Jace that, since he brought Simon along, he’s in charge of Simon. Of course, he doesn’t use Simon’s name, instead calling him “the vampire.”

Our “Heroes”: 12

To his credit, Simon does get upset by this. However, all that credit is lost, because Simon doesn’t feel any similar need when Jace does the same thing.

Jace bristles and, in response to being treated like a child… acts like a petulant little child. So much for that “good soldier” crap from last book, and the “super-best, closer-than-brothers friends” thing from the first book.

Alec, unlike Jace, acts mature, and leaves, headed for someplace called “the Gard.” I’m not giving that a ding, because unlike almost every other use of the Random Capitals of Importance, there is only the one.

Aline clearly wants to get in Jace’s pants, because every female in this series does at one time or another. Jace makes a joke about Alec being an old cat lady in a previous life, because that whole “Shadowhunters don’t interact with mundane society” thing only applies when CC can be bothered to remember it.

Shoddy World Building: 5

But Aline thinks this is hilarious, because again, she wants Jace’s hot beef injection.

Rapier Twit: 2

Simon asks about the Guard, and Jace makes a joke about him “[hovering] in the corner like a bat.”

Rapier Twit: 3

See, it’s funny because vampire! Dur, hur.

Also, bats don’t hover.

So, what is the Guard? It’s the place where the Clave meets. Only adults – in this case, Shadowhunters age eighteen and up, because for some reason the uber-conservative Shadowhunters have very modern, very American ideas about when adulthood beings – are allowed inside when the Clave is meeting. It’s also where the Law is made.

You Keep Using That Word: 46

Now, you may be wondering, “why is it called ‘the Guard’?” That’s a very good question.

Anyway, the Clave’s meeting because Valentine has two of the MacGuffins, and that’s a Big Deal. Simon points out the obvious – Valentine’s going to go for the third MacGuffin, the Mirror. But apparently no one knows what it is, or really anything about it, including what it does.

(If you’ve been paying attention, you’ve probably got a guess as to where it is. And if not, trust me – the answer is so stupid and obvious it might make you wonder if Shadowhunters haven’t been feeding their children lead paint for generations)

They bring up the Bone City, and how it exists in an extra-dimensional space or whatever. Apparently, this is supposed to be a secret, though I can’t imagine why; I mean, it was fairly obvious, given how old it was, that it couldn’t have been under New York.

And now, I present to you, one of the most awkward exchanges I’ve ever read:

Aline: “So – what’s it like, being a vampire?”
Isabelle: “Aline! You can’t just go around asking people what it’s like to be a vampire.”

I mean… what? Was this supposed to be funny? I feel like it’s a reference to something, which just makes it that much more awkward, because it stands out like a sore thumb.

Aline asks what blood tastes like to Simon, and he says it tastes like chicken, “just to shut her up.” At least someone shares my contempt for this character.

Then we get Simon’s Tragic Backstory ™. His parents were killed near Calais some years ago, and his aunt raised him at the Paris Institute.

Isabelle is amazed that he speaks French, which I wouldn’t be that impressed with, given the whole “lived in Paris” thing. She also complains that she never learned any other languages, which makes me wonder why English appears to be the Shadowhunter native language, given that:

A) they’re between France and Germany, and

B) Shadowhunter land has existed in a Wakanda-style isolation for about a thousand years. And even Wakanda actually interacts with the outside world.

Sebastian gloats some more, mentioning that he also speaks Russian, Italian, and Romanian. Jace is impressed by that last one, noting that “not many people speak it.”

Right. Not many people. Except for, you know, people in Romania. And Moldova. And Bulgaria, Hungary, Serbia, Ukraine. You know, those places. 24-26 million native speakers as of 2016, and another 4 million as a secondary language. But sure – not a lot of people.

So Jace talks about the little Romanian he knows, including phrases like, “are these snakes poisonous?” and “but you look much too young to be a police officer.”

Rapier Twit: 4

I really want to read a story where Jace tries that line on a Romanian police officer, and gets sent to one of those nasty Eastern European prisons.

Sebastian shares my lack of finding Jace’s humor, well, humorous. Instead, he goes on that usual spiel about how Shadowhunter-land fells so special, and how it’s “home” and whatnot. Honestly, now it just reminds me of the song “No Place Like London” from Sweeny Todd.

Then there’s this line from Isabelle:

“Jace likes to pretend that everyone isn’t talking about him, even when he knows they are.”

I somehow doubt that. Honestly, I think the reverse is more likely true – he assumes that everyone is always talking about him. The frustrating part is that, as far as this series goes, he’s right.

Jace really doesn’t like Sebastian. I wouldn’t care, except that this is the most obvious hint that Sebastian is a bad guy. Because Jace is never allowed to be wrong about anyone.

Aline asks about where Clary is. Jace lies about her deciding to stay in New York. Isabelle says that that’s weird, and Simon almost spills the beans, only for Jace to drag him off. Also, just to piss me off, he calls Simon “vampire” again.

Our “Heroes”: 13

And thankfully, that brings this chapter to an end.

Counts

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2 (Total: 8)
Entirely Pointless: 2 (Total: 3)
Our “Heroes”: 13 (Total: 22)
Plot Hole: 2 (Total: 4)
Rapier Twit: 4 (Total: 5)
You Keep Using That Word: 46 (Total: 53)

Comment [10]

Hey, folks. It’s been, well, a while. So, before I get going, I feel I should explain my absence.

Around the time I posted the last sporking, I got a job. And not just a regular job, but one in my chosen field, in the specific area that I specialized in. This is, in short, exactly the kind of job I wanted to get after finishing grad school.

And it’s been fun. I genuinely enjoy my work. I might not exactly like getting up in the morning, or how much I’m spending on gas, but those are some very minor complaints in the face of the, “holy crap, I’m doing that thing I wanted to do and getting paid for it, holy crap!”

(Also, I got a short story published in an anthology, which is also super exciting. If you want to support me in that whole “published author” thing, you can pick up a copy here.)

However, as wonderful as that is, the whole “gainful employment” thing is a bit of a time-sink, which isn’t helped by my general laziness. I’ve had to push myself more than once to spend time working on my own writing, so you can imagine how unmotivated I am to get back to this mess.

But I will not be deterred! I set out on this mission six years ago, and I will finish it. I will drive a stake through the heart of this trilogy, and be done with it. I will not let this thing defeat me!

Okay, maybe I overdid it a bit there. I mean, it’s just a stupid YA Urban Fantasy series.

Still, I’ve gazed into this abyss, so it’s only fair to tell you what I saw.

And, since it’s been a while, let’s have a quick re-cap.

So, the Shadowhunter government has finally decided to do something about Valentine. This, for some reason, requires all – or at least most – of the Shadowhunters in the world to gather at their capital/secret clubhouse. Don’t ask me why they all need to be there, they just do.

Also, per a random character we’ve never seen before, there’s a person living in Shadowhunter-land who can bring Jocelyn out of her coma. And Clary needs to be the one to talk to this guy because… reasons. Generation Xerox, mostly.

But oh noes! Jace doesn’t want Clary going to Shadowhunter-land. Because reasons! Reasons that he refuses to explain to Clary, because open, honest communication is the kryptonite of teen soap-opera drama, and that’s the driving force of 90% of the plot in these books. However, Mama Lightwood thinks Clary’s old enough to make her own decisions, so Jace can just deal.

Still, Clary isn’t entirely happy, so she goes to Simon to console her, because that’s what she keeps him around for. But being around Simon makes her feel awkward, because she doesn’t like being reminded that he broke up with her, rather than it being a mutual thing. And maybe Simon is hooking up with Maia, which sets off Clary’s possessive streak.

So then she goes to Luke, and he gives her a coat, and there’s a whole creepy Littlefinger/Sansa vibe and it makes me really uncomfortable, so let’s move on.

Meanwhile, Simon goes to talk to Jace for… reasons. (Yeah, that happens a lot in these books). See, turns out that Jace lied to Clary about when they were leaving, and now wants Simon to cover for him. Why Clary didn’t bother discussing the planned departure time with anyone else, I have no idea. Plot contrivance, probably.

But then, just as they’re about to hop through the magic portal to Shadowhunter-land, the group gets attacked by a bunch of the mooks from the first book. And despite how tough they were presented as being, only two people in the party get hurt – random plot-point lady (we hardly knew ye – seriously, I can’t even remember her name), and Simon (mostly so Jace can get brownie points for saving his life).

In chapter two, Clary shows up at the Institute and discovers what happened, sulks for a bit, then uses her super-sue powers to open up her own portal to Shadowhunter-land, because even though she’s nothing but a drag on the plot for about 95% of every book, CC can’t just cut her out entirely. Clary also drags Luke along, because why not.

Meanwhile, Simon wakes up in Shadowhunter-land, and we get introduced to two new characters – Aline (who will be the new ‘bad girl’ target), and Sebastian. There’s also some stuff about the goings-on with the adults, but since we don’t get to see any of that, I’m left wondering why all these kids got brought along for this trip.

Back with Clary, she and Luke crash-land in a lake in Shadowhunter-land, Clary almost drowns (so close!). Apparently the lake water is kinda toxic to Shadowhunters, but no one else, and is also called “the Mirror of Dreams” – ah, that patented CC “subtle” foreshadowing .They spend the rest of the day walking towards the only city in Shadowhunter-land. This is made marginally acceptable by the fact that Luke doesn’t hold back from criticizing Clary for her incredibly stupid actions.

And, that’s about it. Now, on to chapter 3.

We’re starting off with Luke and Clary. We get a travel montage. Luke plays tour guide. Apparently, there used to be a huge forest in Shadowhunter-land, but the Shadowhunters clear-cut it to build their city, and to deprive the werewolves and vampires that hung out there a place to hide.

I just have one question – why would werewolves and vampires choose to live in this forest? I mean, of all the places to live, you’d think they’d want to avoid the one place where everyone not only knows they exist, but also knows how to kill them.

Shoddy World Building: 1

Anyway, they crest a hill, and see a collection of houses below. Clary thinks they’ve reached the city, but Luke tells her that it’s actually a graveyard. Why is it that Shadowhunters apparently have a need to build elaborate mausoleums for their dead? I mean, it’s not like they live on a flood-plain or something.

Also, apparently all Shadowhunter graveyards are called “City of Bones.” Which just raises more questions.

So they have to walk through the necropolis, and along the way we get the names of some Shadowhunter families, including Cartwright, Merry-weather, Hightower, and Blackwell. Gotta say, for a country sandwitched between France and Germany, these are some very Anglo-sounding names. And not even Anglo-Saxon, but modern English.

It’s almost like CC didn’t put a whole lot of thought into this world at all.

Shoddy World Building: 2

They come across the family tomb of the late Inquisitor, and discover that both her son and husband died in the same year. Which leads to this wonderful bit:

Much as Clary had hated the Inquisitor, she felt something twist inside her, a pity she couldn’t help.

Because we can’t mention the Inquisitor without noting that she was a terrible person. Even when expressing sympathy for her.

Our “Heroes”: 1

Luke gives a quick lesson in Latin that’s probably supposed to be world building, but I just read it as CC fishing for complements about how well-read she is.

They move on, and come across Clary’s mom’s family tomb. Jocelyn’s name is on the tomb. Clary feels the need to point out that her mom isn’t dead, with Luke reminding her that no one else knew that.

Then Clary has an LSD flashback and hallucinates seeing her name on a headstone. It also immediately dates the events to 2007, and apparently Clary was born in 1991. Clary tells Luke what she saw, and he immediately figures out that it’s the lake water, so they need to get moving.

Scene change, and we’re with Simon again.

Jace drags Simon off to what is apparently the library, so they can “have some privacy.” If I didn’t know any better, and didn’t have any context, I’d think they were looking for a place to bang.

But turns out they’re not alone! Max is already in there. Jace tells Max to leave, and Max counters that he’s already been kicked out of the living room. But Jace doesn’t care – I mean, why go bother finding another room in the house when you can just kick the little kid around?

Out “Heroes”: 2

Simon – not being a complete jackass – feels some sympathy for Max. Unfortunately, Max does not reciprocate.

Anyway, Jace starts going off on Simon, calling him “vampire” like he always does.

Our “Heroes”: 3

Seems Jace is a bit mad that Simon wasn’t cooperating with his plan to keep everyone else in the dark about his lies re: Clary.

But instead of pointing out that maybe some of the others – namely the Lightwood kids – might actually agree with him, Simon instead goes after Jace for flirting with Aline. Because somehow this is relevant to Clary. And then brings up the scene from the fairy court.

Dude, I’m still trying to suppress that.

Jace calls Simon “vampire” again.

Our “Heroes”: 4

And we finally get to the damn point – Simon will play along with Jace’s plan, so long as Jace does everything he can to make it clear that he has no romantic interest in Clary. Simon even goes so far as to point out that he’s doing this for Clary’s sake, not his own.

Jace says that he already has, and Simon believes him. I don’t, but then, I’m not being forced to act like an idiot to meet the demands of the plot.

Then Simon asks about the quote Valentine spat out at the end of the last book, because… reasons. Jace is somewhat astonished that Simon doesn’t know it, because it’s from the Old Testament, which he refers to as “your book.” Also, he calls Simon “vampire” yet again.

Our “Heroes”: 5

I’m also tempted to give him another one for the “your book” comment, but I won’t.

Simon points out that being Jewish doesn’t mean he’s memorized everything in Jewish scripture. Also, I doubt an actual Jew would call it the “Old Testament.”

Anyway, Jace explains the allegorical interpretation of the phrase rather than the literal meaning, then speculates as to what Valentine meant. Basically, things are changing, and the status quo will come to an end. And he caps it off with this lovely statement:

“This is our war in heaven, vampire, and only one side can with it. And my father means it to be his.”

Our “Heroes”: 6

Seriously, would it fucking kill you to use his actual name?

Back to Clary and Luke. They finally reach the city. The description is… okay, I guess.

Clary mutters something Hodge told her about the city, which causes Luke to decide that maybe they should be spending less time admiring the view and more time heading to the city.

Luke points out the North Gate, which he says is the one that Downworlders can go through, provided they have the proper documentation. How very… authoritarian of them. Also, why just the North Gate? Guess the Shadowhunters don’t want to risk mixing with Downworlders, so they get their own special entrance. How very… Jim Crow.

As the approach, we get some discussion about something obvious – the city has gates, and guards, but no actual physical walls. Because why have physical defenses and magical ones when you can just have magical ones instead?

You know, for group that’s devoted almost exclusively to fighting, the Shadowhunters kinda suck at basic tactical thinking.

And this huge, obvious, gaping flaw is exploited by our protagonists, who simply walk into the city via a random spot. Clary briefly worries that they’ll run into the wards around the city, but nothing comes of it.

Whew! Well, I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t know if I can handle the tension!

They enter through an alley, and stumble across that rarest of rarities – an actual funny line.

Just like an alley in New York – like every alley in the world, apparently – it smelled like cat pee.

I can’t be certain whether CC “borrowed” that from another work, but I don’t care – it’s actually kinda funny.

Clary notes that the streets are empty. And Luke points out that this is a mixed blessing – they’re less likely to run into anyone, but if they do, it’ll draw more attention.

Good for you, CC. Have a cookie.

And I have to snatch said cookie away, because first, Clary takes Luke’s comment about “everyone” being at a big meeting literally, and when Luke mentions teenagers, Clary thinks of Jace, which sets her heart all aflutter.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Now is really not the time for this, CC.

Luke breaks Clary out of her little trance by pointing out that he’s breaking the Law simply by being here, so maybe they should get moving.

You Keep Using That Word: 1

And so they start sneaking around, and we get another description of the city. Again, it’s fine.

And it seems like enough people bugged CC about this to get an explanation – why don’t Shadowhunters have or use guns? Answer: because runes stop gunpowder from working.

Well, alright. I mean, I’m 90% certain that’s basically the same explanation from the Harry Potter series for why wizards don’t use muggle tech, but at least it’s an answer. Kinda wish it had been brought up sooner, though.

But enough of that – the meeting’s come to an end, so they have to duck into an alley. And then Clary has another freaky hallucination, first of Luke going werewolf (or going through the “Change” as the incessant terminology insists)

You Keep Using That Word: 2

and when Luke drags her over a bridge, she sees stuff in the water.

Clary collapses, so Luke starts carrying her. What a nice metaphor for this whole series thus far.

Luke eventually reaches the house of his friend, while Clary continues to hallucinate. But only visual hallucinations, mind – we still get commentary from others to figure out what’s going on. Wouldn’t want to confuse the readers, or something.

So it seems this friend of Luke’s is named Amatis. Hey, a character appearing in a chapter named for them! Amazing! And she’s none too happy to see Luke, telling him to leave, and only relenting when Luke explains who Clary is – specifically, that she’s Jocelyn’s daughter. Which Luke puts a lot of emphasis on, for some reason.

The scene ends with Amatis allowing them to come inside.

Well, I’ll say this much – at least we have the impression of stuff happening.

And we’re back to Simon and Jace to finish off the chapter. They come back to the living room to find that Aline’s laid out some snacks, including wine. Question: why do we think that Aline laid out this spread? I mean, I guess it is her house, but why assume that she alone laid it all out?

Simon spots Max sitting in a corner, reading. Both Simon and I can empathize.

Aline starts flirting with Jace, and Simon’s initial reaction to this makes it really, really hard not to read certain… undertones into it. See for yourselves:

[Simon] watched Aline touch Jace’s wrist with her fingers as she reached for a piece of apple, and felt himself tense. But this is what you want him to do, he told himself, and yet somehow he couldn’t get rid of the sense that Clary was being disregarded.

Riiiiiight. ‘Clary’ is being disregarded. Sure.

Simon starts looking around the room and sees that the music (which I may have forgotten to mention) isn’t coming from a stereo, but from a “complicated-looking mechanical contraption.”

What is this devise? No idea. There’s no further description provided. I get the feeling this is CC trying to make Shadowhunters seem all different and weird and whatnot, but there’s no real reason for it. There’s no reason they couldn’t just be using a damn stereo.

Simon thinks about talking to Isabelle, but she’s busy flirting with Sebastian. Then, for no apparent reason, Isabelle decides they need more wine, and goes off to get some. Now, I don’t know how big that bottle was, but given that Max is not partaking, Alec is gone, and Simon and Jace just got back, I have to wonder just how sloshed Isabelle, Sebastian, and Aline must be at this point.

I mean, that’s like, at least 1/3 a bottle each in what, five minutes? Yeah, they’re on a direct course with a nasty hangover.

So Sebastian comes over to talk to Simon, and we get this description of the new guy:

For someone with such dark hair, Simon thought, Sebastian’s skin was very fair, as if he didn’t go out in the sun much.

So, I’m supposed to believe that Simon’s never seen a Goth kid before?

Anyway, they start talking, and Sebastian is pretty open and friendly. So, more points towards the ‘he’s going to be the bad guy’ stuff. Included in the conversation is an actual decent justification for why Shadowhunters keep themselves separate from the rest of humanity – normal folks are kinda happy thinking that all the monsters Shadowhunters confront on a regular basis don’t exist, so bringing that out would be a bad idea.

Sebastian asks Jace for his opinion, and for some reason, Jace responds in what we quickly learn is Romanian. Turns out Sebastian wasn’t lying when he said he spoke Romanian.

Now, I don’t know anyone who speaks Romanian, so I’ll have to rely on Google Translate. Here’s a loose translation:

Jace: “Why are you asking me? You think I’m eavesdropping?”
Sebastian: “Well, you haven’t stopped glaring at me since you got here. I’m just wondering if it’s because you don’t like me, or if you have a nasty case of resting bitch-face.”

Okay, I may have taken a few minor liberties with that, but it’s still pretty accurate.

After that, Sebastian goes to check on Isabelle. I can’t blame him.

Jace is suspicious that Sebastian actually speaks Romanian. For… some reason.

Then Alec comes back. He’s come to pick up Simon and take him to meet with the top Shadowhunters so they can send him back to New York.

You Keep Using That Word: 3 (“Portal”)

Isabelle is upset by this, but Alec rightly points out that Simon kinda isn’t even supposed to be here.

Sorry. Things have gotten a bit dry.

But Simon’s fine with this, and even says he might be back before his mom notices his absence. This prompts another comment from Aline

“You have a mother?” Aline looked amazed.

which everyone ignores.

Our “Heroes”: 7

CC, was Aline intended to make Clary look smart? Because that’s the only reason I can think of for why she’s here. That, and to fawn over Jace in Clary’s absence.

Jace and Alec exchange some coded looks, which really aren’t that coded if someone else picks up on them, and Alec reiterates that Simon will be going home. And once again, does not address him by his name.

Our “Heroes”: 8

And thus ends the chapter.

I’ve learned (or rather, re-learned) some things with sporking this chapter. First, if I actually sit down and just do the work, I can get one of these done fairly quickly.

And secondly, I really, really don’t like this series.

Also, if you want some more tearing down of this series and some of its spin-offs, check out the videos by YouTuber The Authentic Observer. She’s now on the fifth part of her series discussing the multitude of issues with these books, and while she does discuss CC’s works as a whole rather than individually, she’s also read more of these books than I have or ever will. She also talks about other books as well, so you might find something good to read while you’re there.

I have no connection to her at all, so I don’t feel conflicted about plugging her stuff.

And that’s it for me, for now. I’ll try to get the next one out in less than three months.

Counts

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1 (Total: 9)
Entirely Pointless: 0 (Total: 3)
Our “Heroes”: 8 (Total: 30)
Plot Hole: 0 (Total: 4)
Rapier Twit: 0 (Total: 5)
You Keep Using That Word: 3 (Total: 56)
Shoddy World Building: 2 (Total: 7)

Comment [11]

Hey, everybody. Sorry it’s been so long between sporkings. Once again, I was visited by the “I really don’t feel like doing this” fairy, and that bitch just never leaves when asked. So consider this me evicting her from the premises.

So, last time, we had much filler. Jace and Simon talked about… stuff, I guess, while Clary and Luke managed to sneak into the surprisingly poorly guarded city of the Shadowhunters. And it all ended with Alec telling Simon to come with him to Shadowhunter HQ, so he can go back home.

But before we begin, let’s take a look at that chapter title, shall we? “Daylighter,” eh? Gee, can’t imagine what that’s referring to. But I guess Daywalker was already taken, so why not go with a cheap knock-off, am I right?

So we pick up almost right where we left off, with Alec escorting Simon to the Shadowhunter’s town hall or whatever. And I will note a few things that I like:

-First, the streets of the city aren’t nice and wide, and laid down in a grid. They’re narrow, and twisted, as would be expected from an older, medieval European city.
-Second, some small changes that Simon’s only noticing now, namely that he’s not bothered by the cold weather, and that he’s having no trouble keeping up with Alec. They’re little differences, but it’s nice to see them.

Simon tries starting up some light conversation, pointing out how it kinda sucks that Alec’s stuck escorting him around, but Alec takes it in stride. And we learn a bit about the Shadowhunter government, namely that there is an officer known as the Consul. And what does the Consul do?

“He counts the votes of the Council, interprets the Law for the Clave, and advises them and the Inquisitor. If you head up an Institute and you run into a problem you don’t know how to deal with, you call the Consul.”

Um… I don’t think CC knows what a consul actually does. I’m betting she saw that ‘consul’ and ‘council’ were related terms, and decided a consul must be someone who councils people.

And honestly, this job sounds really, really shitty.

Also, this

You Keep Using That Word: 2 (“Law” and “Institute”)

Simon’s confused about the mention of advising the Inquisitor, what with the Inquisitor being dead and all. Guess it’s his turn to carry the idiot-ball. So Alec explains that Inquisitor is a job, and with the last one dead, there’s now a new one – Inquisitor Aldertree.

Two things:

No Shit Sherlock: 1

Because seriously, who actually needed that explained? And this

Shoddy World Building: 1

Do I even have to explain this?

Simon makes a… joke (?) about the Spanish Inquisition for some reason:

“I’ll tell you, inquisitions haven’t worked out well for my people in the past.”

I… I just… why?

Rapier Twit: 1

When Alec doesn’t laugh (not really surprising), Simon covers it by saying it’s mundane history, so whatever. Then, for some reason, Alec reassures him that, hey, he’s not a mundane anymore – he’s a Downworlder! And this somehow makes him more interesting! Especially to people like Sebastian and Aline.

Our “Heroes”: 1

Because even back-handed racism is still racism.

Simon then asks about Sebastian and Isabelle, which amuses Alec, because apparently Isabelle only goes for “thoroughly inappropriate boys” which include mundanes, Downworlders, and “petty crooks”. Why does she do this? Well, Alec thinks it’s because she wants attention, but Simon has another theory, and we gets some actual humor:

bq “Or maybe she’s trying to take attention off you,” Simon said, almost absently. “You know, since your parents don’t know you’re gay and all.”
Alec stopped in the middle of the road so suddenly that Simon almost crashed into him. “No,” he said, “but apparently everyone else does.”

Simon points out that Jace probably doesn’t know, which Alec takes as a possible threat. This leads to Simon pointing out how Alec really doesn’t seem to like him (and bringing up the whole “I saved your life” bit), and they don’t have much in common, except for both having feelings for childhood friends.

Alec asks if Simon thinks he should tell Jace about his feelings, since Simon told Clary about his own feelings, and Simon advises against it, because it’s made things even more awkward, and he wonders if they can ever go back to being friends. By which I assume he means Clary deciding to go back to using him as her emotional crutch, because what they have is hardly what I’d call a friendship.

Instead, Simon advises he hook up with Magnus, because… he’s the only other member of the cast above a 2 on the Kinsey scale? I don’t know.

But oh noes, we have some drama there – Magnus didn’t talk to Alec much back in New York before they left, so clearly he doesn’t like Alec. I mean, it’s not like revealing their relationship might cause problems for one or both of them. No, clearly this is the only possible explanation.

Simon says Alec should call Magnus, but there are no phones in Shadowhunter Land.

And now that we’ve had the dialogue cut scene, they arrive at their destination.

Quick aside: why did we even have this discussion? I mean, I get why it’s between these two characters – Simon spelled it out quite clearly. But why now? I’d think they’d both have other things on their minds right now.

But I suppose the answer is pretty obvious – for CC, the actual ‘plot’ of these books is entirely secondary to all the relationship drama. I feel like she should just drop the paranormal/ urban fantasy stuff altogether and just write some YA Romance novels instead.

So now that they’ve reached Shadowhunter HQ, we get a description of it. Again, the description is fine, though I do have to wonder about Simon’s thoughts on the statues flanking the gate – they’re angels (big surprise there) holding swords, standing over creatures described as “a mixture of rat, bat, and lizard, with nasty pointed teeth,” which Simon figures are supposed to be demons but, “could just as easily be vampires.”

Uh… why? Correct me if I’m wrong, but did we ever establish if vampires in this setting are even capable of changing shape? And even so, only two of those three critters are really associated with vampires.

Anyway, they walk in, and are eventually met by some guy who shines a light in their faces. And here’s Simon’s response to his eyes tearing up:

Witchlight, he thought, angel light, burns me. I suppose it’s no surprise.

What.

Okay, I’ve tried for several minutes to get my thoughts out about this, but it just devolves into ranting again about CC’s poor decision to try to have a cosmology based on Judeo-Christian beliefs, while also stripping out important aspects like Heaven, Hell, God, etc – aspects that are kinda critical to said cosmology. But this is taking long enough, so we’re just going to move on.

Besides, I see no logical reason that Simon’s eyes aren’t tearing up because some asshole is shining a bright light in his eyes.

Turns out said asshole is Malachi Dieudonné, the Consul. And while I applaud CC for finally giving a character a surname appropriate to the region, I still have to wonder why his first name is “Malachi”. It can’t be because Shadowhunters have some fondness for Biblical names or whatever.

(Side note: I just looked up “Valentine” on Behind the Name, and one of the tags was “Shadowhunters characters.” I want to stab something so much right now.)

Malachi is brusque with Simon, calling him “Downworlder,” but I’m willing to let that slide, partly because they’ve just met and partly for… other reasons you’ll see shortly. Anyway, they’re sending Simon back, and surprisingly, Alec asks for some more details – will Simon be going directly to Manhattan, will someone be there to meet him, stuff that someone actually concerned about another person’s safety might ask.

Malachi says Magnus will be there, since it’s kind of his fault that Simon’s here in the first place. This leads to an argument between Alec and Malachi, in which the Consul is kind of an ass, because CC has trouble writing reasonable authority figures.

Also, I should get this down quick, before we move on:

You Keep Using That Word: 4 (“Portal” x 2)

Then some other guy shows up and tells Malachi to stop being an ass. The new guy is Inquisitor Aldertree, and he’s actually pretty friendly and reasonable. He’s also described as being “a small, round man,” which is not the description I’d expect for someone whose supposed to be the chief enforcement officer. Which kind of implies that his appointment was politically-motivated.

It also doesn’t help that, while he actually calls Simon by name and shakes his hand, his grip is described as “unpleasantly moist and clammy.” Even when trying to be subtle, CC fails miserably. And yes, I did note this the first time through.

Aldertree tells Alec he can leave, and takes Simon off, despite Alec’s protests. End scene.

And we switch over to Clary. She’s still tripping balls, but has come down enough to be somewhat aware of her surroundings. Not so much that she isn’t still a literal burden on those around her, though.

Luke explains to Amatis what happened, and Clary gets carried to the kitchen. Luke pulls out a bunch of herbs and tells Amatis to boil them. Why is he the one doing this? Didn’t we come to her for help?

(Fun face: two of the three herbs Luke pulls out are toxic. So this will surely go well.)

Amatis starts asking Luke some questions, but then Clary has a vision (possibly drug-induced, but with this series, who knows). She sees angels walking on the surface of Lake Lyn, and of course they all have Jace’s face.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

But again, despite having this crazy hallucination, Clary can still hear what Luke and Amatis are saying, because reasons. Amatis suggests they contact Jace, but Luke says no for… reasons.

Then Clary goes way under, has some more weird dream/vision/clunky foreshadowing, and comes to with Luke trying to force her to drink some strange concoction. After swallowing only a few drops, she’s magically better. And there’s just enough time left before the scene break to get out the following information:

Amatis is Luke’s sister. And apparently the only characteristics they share are eye color. Because why would siblings have other similarities, such as facial structure.

Anyway, end very short scene.

Back to Simon. He’s being lead down a hall by Aldertree. Apparently, Simon can smell people’s moods now. Here’s the description of Aldertree’s:

The Inquisitor stank of something bitter and strong as coffee, but much more unpleasant.

Um… okay. What does that even mean?

Also, yet more of that classic CC non-subtle foreshadowing.

More walking. They go past an open door, where some folks are discussing Valentine’s activities. Apparently he managed to complete the Ritual he was doing in the last book, meaning the heroes accomplished exactly nothing. Also, this:

You Keep Using That Word: 5 (“Ritual” – note the caps)

There’s some arguing, but Aldertree drags Simon off, eventually reaching a big, mostly empty room. There’s mention of a tapestry depicting an angel coming out of a lake, holding a sword and a cup.

Seriously, I think The Da Vinci Code was more cleaver than this. At least the clues to the big twist there weren’t quite so blatantly obvious.

Aldertree locks the door behind them, so we’re well past hinting with him. He practically has a flashing neon sign above his head.

When Simon asks about the Portal

You Keep Using That Word: 6

Aldertree says he wants to ask Simon some questions. We learn that Simon’s been a vampire for about two weeks, once again establishing just how little time passes between these books. Simon also doesn’t know who Turned him, which is apparently an issue.

I’ve got an issue, too – all this Random Capitalization.

You Keep Using That Word: 7

The move on to why the vampires didn’t just kill Simon, since technically they could have. But for some reason, Simon decides to play coy about it. Also, we get a few more of these:

You Keep Using That Word: 10 (“Institute,” “Law,” and “Turned”)

At this point, Simon basically stops cooperating, so Aldertree calls in some thugs to drag him off. And, once again, another few of these are tossed in:

You Keep Using That Word: 12 (“Portal” x 2)

Simon gets thrown into a dungeon. There’s an actual clever bit of world-building, or at least some cleverness on display – among the various runes and whatnot on the walls of his cell, the doorknob has what I assume is the Seal of Solomon on it. Which burns Simon’s hand when he touches it, because he’s Jewish.

How do we know it’s the Seal of Solomon? Because the guy in the next cell over tells him.

Unfortunately, as nice as this little detail is, it only draws attention to the lack of similar details in previous works.

Shoddy World Building: 2

Also, mystery neighbor calls Simon “Daylighter,” and apparently the guards have been planning for this all day. Simon argues that people will notice if he’s gone, including his teachers. But I doubt it, given that these books seem to be set in some kind of endless summer break.

There’s bits about Shadowhunters Disappearing people, namely Downworlders. Because I guess CC had to work extra hard to make these guys unsavory, given how cuddly her main protagonists are.

Anyway, Simon takes a closer look at his cell, and realizes that among the Shadowhunter runes are Stars of David and bits of the Torah in Hebrew. And they’re fresh.

Again, this is a nice bit of though on the guards’ part. But on recollection, didn’t Raphael wear a cross without it burning him? So, why does this work?

Shoddy World Building: 3

I’m not asking for detailed rules – just consistency.

Realizing just how screwed he is, Simon sits down on the bed to have a bit of a break-down. End scene.

Last scene of the chapter. And we’re in Alec’s POV, of all things.

He gets back to the Penhallows’ place, and finds Jace waiting outside. Jace is his usual pissy self, and gets really miffed about Alec leaving Simon with the Inquisitor. Why? Because the last one “exceeded her command” and totally would have been fired if she hadn’t died.

Okay, dude, all the nastiness she did was directed exclusively at you, and not without reason. And of course Jace shows not even the slightest hint of remorse about her death, because she was mean to him.

Alec and Jace argue a bit about the Clave, because again, CC cannot bear the thought of Jace not being entirely right. But Alec does score one point:

“Maybe,” Alec said, “but if you start thinking you know better than the Clave and better than the Law, what makes you any better than the Inquisitor? Or Valentine?”

Which is a very good point, even if I have to ding it.

You Keep Using That Word: 13

Unfortunately, this makes Jace mad, so Alec apologizes. Because Jace is a petulant toddler, and must be appeased at all times.

Isabelle pops up to scold them both for a bit, and Jace goes inside. Alec thinks back to what Simon said about his relationship with Clary, and then thinks about Magnus (though for some reason CC doesn’t just come out and say that, because tension or something).

Then Simon pulls out a notebook he has for… some reason, writes something on it, and sets it on fire with his not-wand. End chapter.

Counts

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1 (Total: 10)
Entirely Pointless: 0 (Total: 3)
Our “Heroes”: 1 (Total: 31)
Plot Hole: 0 (Total: 4)
Rapier Twit: 1 (Total: 1)
You Keep Using That Word: 13 (Total: 69)
Shoddy World Building: 3 (Total: 10)
No Shit Sherlock: 1( Total: 1)

Comment [6]

Hey, folks. Sorry it’s been so long. Most of the excuses I could give are ones I’ve given before, so that’s not worth getting into. But then, these past two weeks or so have been especially depressing, as my country apparently just had to get into a debate over whether a guy who worked for years as a committed hard-line agent of a political party, casually commits perjury, and (I shit you not) may or may not have sexually assaulted multiple women should be given a potentially lifetime appointment to the highest court in the land.

So, yeah, not really feeling the funny of late. American politics kinda suck right now.

But now that all that’s been at least put off for a few days, so let’s just get to it, shall we?

Chapter 5’s title is “A Problem of Memory.” Sounds very poetic and all, but I can’t help but feel it’s CC yet again using meaningless terms to try to make this stuff sound more “deep.”

Anyway, we’re with Clary. Joy.

She wakes up in Amatis’s spare room, all recovered from ingesting magical LSD. Isn’t even dizzy when she sits up.

Also, someone changed her clothes. I’m going to hope it was Amatis, because the other option makes me very uncomfortable.

She gets up and looks out the window. There’s mention of the house being next to or near a canal, which I may have skipped over last time, but now I’m wondering why this city even has canals, given that they usually serve a purpose – namely, channeling water, either for drainage or transportation. I know we established that Shadowhunter Land is between Germany and France, an area commonly referred to as the Low Countries known for being fairly flat and having low elevation above sea-level. Still, the Franco-German boarder is pretty long, so there’s no reason Shadowhunter Land couldn’t be at a higher elevation.

Sorry, I’m clearly putting far too much thought into this. So I’m just going to ding this bit and move on.

Shoddy World-building: 1

Someone starts to open the door, and for some reason Clary decides to leap back into bed. I don’t know why she does this – who does she think would be coming in? She doesn’t even pretend to be asleep when Amatis comes in with her breakfast, so this action served no purpose whatsoever.

Entirely Pointless: 1

There’s much back-and-forth padding with Clary asking for Luke’s whereabouts, and Amatis being a bit cagey. I’m not dinging it, though, because it’s nice to see Clary concerned about someone other than Jace or herself.

Eventually, Amatis explains that Luke went off to track down his old pack. You know, the one he lead into battle against Valentine, then almost immediately abandoned to go chasing after Jocelyn like a literal love-struck puppy. Thanks for that reminder, Amatis.

Clary is upset that Luke left her behind, but Amatis is reasonable, pointing out that Clary has her own mess to deal with – namely, that she needs to get home, but she dropped in unannounced, and the authorities don’t take too kindly to that. I’m tempted to make a joke about the current state of affairs in immigration in the US, but that’d just be too depressing. So I’ll just do this.

You Keep Using That Word: 1 (“Law”)

Clary is still insistent on staying, but Amatis slaps that down hard.

“Let me give you a piece of advice – you’ll only find Ragnor Fell if he wants to be found.”

I’m really starting to like Amatis.

Also, they’re expecting an attack from Valentine, so everyone’s staying in the city.

Thwarted by this demonstration of basic logic, Clary decides to change the subject, and asks Amatis about herself. Turns out she’s the ex-wife of the late Inquisitor’s son. Because everyone in these books must be connected to each other. Also, Clary mentally bashes the Inquisitor again.

Our “Heroes”: 1

Now we get Amatis’s Tragic Backstory TM. She too was a Not-Death Eater, but left when Valentine told her husband to divorce her, what with the whole “brother is a werewolf” thing. No one wanted to hang out with her, except Jocelyn, because she’s just so Pure and Good. Kinda makes you wonder why she married a cross between Voldemort and Hitler.

We also learn that the late-Inquisitor got her job because after her son’s death, the Powers What Is figured that she’d be super-driven to get back at Valentine and his cronies, which I guess makes sense. Clary feels a twinge of pity for the dead woman, but immediately quashes it by reminding herself that the Inquisitor was mean to Jace, and that cannot stand.

Our “Heroes”: 2

We get some random discussion insisting that no, Jace does not in fact look like Valentine, even though from what little description we’ve gotten, they both do look alike, and it’s not like all children are photo-copies of their parents. But CC really sucks at the whole “foreshadowing” thing, so I’ll just leave it alone.

At the mention of Jace, Clary remembers that she’s now within a mile of him, and thus must be brought to him post-haste. Amatis shoots that down by saying that Clary is still recovering from that whole “almost dying” thing. Also, the Lightwoods will turn her in, and get both herself and Luke in trouble.

You Keep Using That Word: 2 (“Law”)

Clary thinks about that, and then about how the Lightwoods aren’t “blindly loyal fanatics anymore,” completely forgetting that said blind, fanatical loyalty was to Valentine. Also, given that she’s known them for less than a month, how well can she really know them?

So Clary agrees, and Amatis leaves. Clary takes a shower, because the Shadowhunters also have modern plumbing, somehow. Because heaven forbid Clary have to put up with something as mildly inconvenient as a cold shower. Then she goes through Amatis’s clothes, and finds her old Shadowhunter gear.

We then run into a minor continuity error – Clary recalls the first time she saw Jace and the Lightwood siblings, and that they were in their “fighting gear” with is described as “close-fitting tops and pants of tough, dark material.” Little reminder – Isabelle was wearing a floor-length white dress. I remember this, because the narration from the POV of electric-octopus demon made a point of drawing attention to it. This is why you don’t rely on your fans to serve as continuity editors, CC.

Plot Hole: 1

Because I have no idea what else to call it.

And apparently Clary can’t tell the difference between a tight, stretchy material and leather. Now, I don’t own a lot of leather clothing, but I’m fairly certain it has a very particular look to it, so I’m calling bullshit on this.

Clary – of course – decides to put on the Shadowhunter gear. Because that’s totally a normal thing for someone to do. I will give the narration this much, at least – it acknowledges that nothing will ever make Clary actually look in any way frightening.

But, of course, we have to have a point about how she looks just like her mom. Even though Clary’s only ever seen her mom in her post-Shadowhunter phase, and only photos of her from before that. I mean, yeah, I’ve seen pictures of my dad and uncles from way back that look a lot like me, but I don’t need to be wearing any particular clothing to see that.

And then, we get this:

But the Jocelyn that Amatis had known was the girl who’d plotted to bring down Valentine, who’d secretly forged an alliance of Nephilim and Downworlders that had broken the Circle and saved the Accords.

Really, CC? As I recall, that “alliance” consisted of a single pack of werewolves, and the Circle’s attack was pretty much destined to fail. Stop trying to make Jocelyn look like a bad-ass.

But all this is to convince Clary that she should just ignore everything Amatis said, and go find Jace. Because that’s what her mom would do. Or something.

So she locks the door, and very carefully climbs out the window. Well, at least she’s living up to the standard of bad-ass-itude I’ve come to expect of her.

And now we swap back to Simon. He’s had a rough night, and then the guards drag him off to see Aldertree.

The two chat for a bit. Aldertree puts on the ‘charming villain’ routine, which is kinda refreshing for this series. He manages to trick Simon into standing in direct sunlight, revealing that it doesn’t bother Simon. This leads to a discussion about how Simon got to be the way he is. Simon mentions Valentine’s boat, but that’s all. And he’s managed to avoid catching the Stupid, because he figures that maybe drinking Jace’s blood has something to do with it.

Then Aldertree brings up a good point: all the evidence – Simon being captured by Valentine, him suddenly being immune to sunlight, then appearing in Shadowhunter central command – all points to him now working for Valentine.

And then he probably reveals more than he should – namely that the Clave is divided, that the authority of the Shadowhunters is being questioned, and somehow Valentine keeps outsmarting them. Though, I have to wonder how difficult that last one really is.

And we get actual confirmation that Aldertree is the slimy politician he’s been presented as:

Appearances are significant, and never more than in politics. You can always sway the crowd, provided you have _a good story._”

Then he lays out the story he’s prepared: the Lightwoods never switched sides, they knew who Jace was, and have been working with him the whole time. They even helped him get the MacGuffins, even kill the last Inquisitor, and are now working to spy on the Clave, including bringing Simon along with them as a red herring to keep everyone busy.

And I have to say, it hangs together well. Doesn’t hurt that I’ve been suspicious of their random heel-face turn from the beginning. Also, this:

You Keep Using That Word: 3 (“Law”)

Simon, however disagrees, saying the story has a ton of holes in it. However, he doesn’t actually point any out, possibly because CC couldn’t think of any. I get the feeling this whole bit might have resulted from someone pointing out how ludicrous the Lightwoods’ situation is, and this is her attempt to address it.

And it kinda failed.

There’s more talking. In short, Aldertree wants Simon to back his story. Simon refuses. I have mixed feelings regarding the lead up to his refusal – I like that he thinks about the Lighwood kids, and presumably how they’d get hit in this mess. What I don’t like is how he then thinks about Jace, and how he’d get crap from this, and how Clary would feel about it. I mean, could we have just one thing that doesn’t somehow revolve around Jace?

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Just for spite.

Anyway, Simon says no, Aldertree calls for the guards to take him back to his cell, end scene.

And back to Clary. She’s wandering the streets of Shadowhunter City, because not only does she not remember the route she and Luke took to sneak in (not surprising, given the whole ‘crazy drug-trip flashback’ thing), but she also has no damn clue where she’s going.

She reaches what I assume is supposed to by Shadowhunter Diagon Alley, and we find out that Shadowhunter City is at least somewhat cosmopolitan – she sees at least one woman of clearly Indian descent, as well as a man with an “Aztec” face (not quite sure what that means, exactly). And while I do appreciate the ethnic diversity on display, it does remind me again of the “Shadowhunters don’t inter-breed with non-Shadowhunters” thing.

Shoddy World-building: 2

CC, if you didn’t want that to be an issue, then maybe you shouldn’t have written it in the first place.

Clary finally breaks down and asks a passing lady for help. She says she needs to find the Penhallows’ place.

Okay, I was so concerned about getting this right that I actually did a search of my copy to find every mention of the name “Penhallow.” It has come up exactly once from a Clary-POV section, and that was when Clary was tripping balls literally right after storming into Amatis’s place. I mention this because in my notes, I called this out as a Plot Hole. Turns out I was wrong, but I’m still calling it sloppy writing, because somehow, despite her being in the process of dying of a drug overdose, Clary still remembers everything that was said around her with perfect clarity.

But I guess having her actually work to figure this out would be mildly difficult, so at least we’re still on-brand with this.

Anyway, the lady gives Clary directions, even describing the color of the house. Which only gives Clary the opportunity to mentally complain that, no, the house is totally not those colors (indigo and bronze vs. blue and gold), which, while being a nod to Clary’s whole ‘artist’ thing, also makes her look really, really petty.

Our “Heroes”: 3

So Clary spends a few minutes loitering on the front lawn, then finally gets up the nerve to knock on the door. Isabelle answers. End scene.

Wow. That whole bit felt really, really necessary.

Entirely Pointless: 2

Okay, back to Simon. He’s in his cell. His thought process nicely points out one of the big flaws in Aldertree’s argument from earlier:

Valentine hated Downworlders, famously.

Yes, yes he does.

And here’s why I bring this up – why does Valentine hate Downworldes? Presumably, it’s an extension of the Shadowhunter opposition to demons. And yet, for some reason, Big V has no problem whatsoever using them.

Just saying, maybe this argument isn’t quite so solid as CC thinks.

But forget about that – Simon’s neighbor wants to chat. He too calls Simon “Daylighter”, which Simon asks about. Apparently, the vampires have legends about such things. Um, question – why? Why would they have legends about this kind of thing? Because in this kind of story, a legend is pretty much guaranteed to be true. So, how would such creatures come to exist?

(And I could go on a tangent here about how the whole sunlight vulnerability thing is actually a very recent bit of vampire lore, and it would actually make more sense for vampires to not be worried about sunlight, but this is dragging on long enough as is.)

We learn some things from Mysterious Neighbor – apparently, Shadowhunters who don’t live in Shadowhunter Land tend to be more tolerant of Downworlders than those that do live in SH Land. I’d be more willing to go with this, except that this is somehow an attempt to justify the Lightwoods’ relationship with Simon, and the Lightwoods are – I will remind you – former not-Death Eaters, aka the people who hated Downworlders even more than normal. And we still have no real explanation as to why they may have changed their views.

We also learn Mysterious Neighbor’s name – Samuel Blackburn. Yes, we have yet another surprisingly Anglo name for someone from Fraco-Germany.

Shoddy World-building: 3

Also, he, too is a former not-Death Eater. Only he never turned on Valentine. Not because he isn’t super-racist (though he certainly appears to be), but rather because he’s more scared of Valentine than of the Shadowhunters. Ah, fear – the best way to ensure loyalty.

And that brings this scene to a close. What was the point of this scene? For CC to insist that, no the Lightwoods are totally the good guys? To try to build up Valentine’s piss-poor reputation? Or just to fill space? I know which one I’d pick.

Entirely Pointless: 3

Okay, once more with Clary.

Isabelle is surprised to see her, and Clary explains that Jace lied about her wanting to stay in New York.

“Remember when you told me [Jace] never lies? That is so not true.”

Sorry, when did Isabelle say he never lies? Did I repress that?

Isabelle brings up Simon, and Clary casually brushes that aside. After all, why would she be curious about Isabelle asking if her presence is connected to him, when she last saw him a day ago in New York?

Our “Heroes”: 4

More talking, and Clary admits that she didn’t get permission to come to Shadowhunter city. For some reason, Isabelle thinks this will cause Jace to freak out.

You Keep Using That Word: 4 (“Law”)

Also, could we please decide whether Jace is the straight-laced, by-the-book guy, or the ‘screw the rules,’ ‘fuck the po-lice’ bad boy? Because he can’t really be both.

Clary is really insistent on seeing Jace. For… some reason. I mean, yeah, he lied to Clary for stupid reasons, but does she really need to see him right now?

And then Clary tries to guilt Isabelle into helping her. Isabelle counters by trying to discuss Clary’s outfit. Neither works, and we land back at Jace, and Clary just pushes past Isabelle.

What did all that accomplish, exactly?

Entirely Pointless: 4

For some reason, Isabelle is remarkably willing to give Jace the benefit of the doubt on this. I mean, she knows for a fact that he lied both to Clary and to them, but she’s willing to excuse that because “he has his reasons.”

Reasons he hasn’t actually shared with anyone but Simon.

And which are still very stupid.

Clary sees Sebastian, and Isabelle tells him to stop Clary. He blocks her, and he’s super fast, just like Jace. Because super-speed is apparently the only superpower that CC thinks is cool, or something.

The narration stops for a bit to explain that Sebastian looks just like the tragic hero of a comic book she’s been working on. I assume this is supposed to be the thing she was working on back in chapter 2 of CoB, and which hasn’t been brought up since. Guess someone reminded CC of that.

Also, the plot of said comic book is emo and pretentious as fuck, and it honestly wouldn’t surprise me if it was something CC tried to write at some point, and was roundly panned by everyone she shared it with.

And on top of everything else, Sebastian recognizes Clary.

Great. They have a connection.

Sebastian complements Clary on managing to sneak into the city. Says it’s “quite an accomplishment.” Dude, the city has no walls, and guards don’t patrol the perimeter. There are playgrounds with better security than this place.

Clary explains how she got there, and Isabelle is astonished. And apparently forgetful:

But there isn’t a Portal left in New York. Valentine destroyed them both—”

Okay, first this:

You Keep Using That Word: 7 (“Portal” x 3)

Second: he destroyed one Portal. One. Not both – one. He got the one at the abandoned hospital, sure, but what about the one in Clary’s neighbor’s closet? The one no one apparently knew about? When did that happen?

Plot Hole: 2

Instead of answering, Clary decides to be a petulant little shit. Because that’s such a good look.

Our “Heroes”: 5

Sebastian reveals Jace’s whereabouts, and Clary goes to confront him. And we also get this wonderful bit from Isabelle:

“Fine, Clary […] Go ahead and do whatever you want, regardless of who it hurts. You always do anyway, don’t you?”

But, of course, rather than seeing this as someone finally pointing out how inconsiderate Clary is, this is supposed to be seen as Isabelle just being mean. Because of course it is.

And to prove it, here’s a bit not one paragraph later:

But that was Isabelle – if there was a boy around and blame that needed to be pinned on someone, Isabelle would pin it on him.

Where the hell did that come from?

Clary goes upstairs, and runs into Max. We could have a nice moment here, but I think it’s just enough to remind us that, well, Max exists. Because Clary’s on a mission. Max tells her that Jace is in the library, and I honestly feel bad for this kid. All he wants to do is sit, and read his manga, and maybe get some affection from his family. And he’s just not getting that.

But who cares about that. Clary bursts into the library – because none of these kids have manners – and finds Jace making out with Aline. Because CC really only knows or cares about writing one type of plot – love triangles. It’s like she gets half of her ideas from watching bad soap operas.

And that’s it for this chapter.

We’re now almost a quarter of the way through this book, and the actual plot has yet to be seen. Which is kinda typical for these books.

Counts

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1 (Total: 11)
Entirely Pointless: 4 (Total: 7)
Our “Heroes”: 5 (Total: 36)
Plot Hole: 2 (Total: 6)
Rapier Twit: 0 (Total: 1)
You Keep Using That Word: 7 (Total: 76)
Shoddy World Building: 3 (Total: 13)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 ( Total: 1)

Comment [12]

Hey, my faithful readers. It’s almost Halloween, so I bring you something truly terrifying – another chapter from a crappy YA novel!

[Insert dramatic music & lightning flash here]

Quick recap before digging in.

Last time, Clary woke up from her drug trip, stole some clothes from her host, and snuck out the window to go in search of Jace and the Lightwoods (but mostly Jace).

Meanwhile, Simon received a very Vito Corleone-style offer from Inquisitor Aldertree – turn on the Lightwoods and claim they’re working for Valentine, or starve to death.

Back with Clary, she eventually managed to find where the Lightwoods are staying. She forced her way in, ignoring pretty much everyone in her efforts to track down Jace, whom she found making out with Aline.

Such a shock! Such a betrayal! Such… utterly forced drama.

And now, on to chapter 6.

Chapter 6 is titled “Bad Blood”. Only time will tell whether CC intended for that to be literal or metaphorical.

We pick up exactly where we left off, because this series really is a soap opera staring high school students.

A Word From Our Sponsors: 1

Wow, that’s the first time that count’s shown up in this book. Not a great sign to start out with that, though.

So, as expected, Clary freaks out at seeing Jace – who, I remind you, she believes is her brother – making out with another girl. And not in an awkward, ‘oh, crap, I just walked in on my sibling making out with someone’ way, but more in a, ‘I just walked in on my boyfriend cheating on me’ way. She doesn’t start yelling or anything, though, because then she’d be the hysterical girl, and that would paint her in a bad light.

Aline tries to be friendly, but Clary isn’t interested. Case in point, here’s her reaction to Aline walking up to Clary after composing herself:

I don’t think I can touch her, Clary thought with a sinking feeling of horror.

Jace tells Aline something, and she wisely leaves.

There’s much back-and-forth between Jace and Clary, because this relationship is unhealthy in oh so many ways. Clary is upset that Jace tried to leave her behind, and Jace continues to insist that he somehow has the right to dictate Clary’s movements. Clary also frets a bit about Jace’s appearance, because apparently I’m supposed to care if he’s lost weight or has been chewing his nails.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

This whole bit is cut mercifully short by Alec showing up. And Jace goes from being really angry to calm and emotionless in a split-second. Almost like he can just shut his emotions off, or something. You know, like a psychopath.

After some initial shortness, he’s polite to Clary, and asks that she leave the room so he can speak to Jace in private. Clary insists that she also needs to speak to Jace privately, because I guess exposing him as being a manipulative ass in public would just be too much. Meanwhile, Jace acts like a petulant child, surprising no one.

Somehow (and I do mean ‘somehow’ – there’s really no explanation other than author fiat), Jace figures out that Clary didn’t come alone. Clary doesn’t even bother trying to lie about Luke coming with her. Jace then tries to use Clary’s attachment to Luke to get her to leave – or, at least, that’s how I’m choosing to interpret his argument.

Alec then brings up the fact that Jace isn’t even remotely curious as to where Alec’s been all day. Almost as if Jace didn’t even care about his ‘super-best-friend-for-all-time’ or something.

Our “Heroes”: 1

But just as Alec starts to explain what’s up, Isabelle pops in, because god forbid the plot train even start to move out of the station.

Clary (rightly) points out that Jace had absolutely no problem threatening Luke a minute ago, and asks a question she should have been asking this whole time:

“What’s wrong with you?”

Clary off-handedly explains that she got here through a Portal that she “made,” which I’m pretty sure is only there so Isabelle can look “bewildered” (read: impressed). Which dings a few counts:

You Keep Using That Word: 1

For obvious reasons.

Plot Hole: 1

Because Clary didn’t “make” that portal, she just re-opened it.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

For having a character fawn over Clary for doing something that took her absolutely no effort at all.

Aled tries valiantly to get the discussion back on track (presumably about Simon not being back in New York, despite assurances otherwise), but Jace brushes that off, because it has nothing to do with him. What a nice guy.

Our “Heroes”: 2

Jace goes off on Clary for how reckless she is, while ‘conveniently’ forgetting how he regularly does the same. Isabelle says Jace’s name in a way that I would read as admonishment, but which Clary reads as pity, either because she sucks at reading people’s emotions, or because CC is kind of a crap writer.

Jace is undeterred, though, and completely goes off on Clary for not only being selfish (again: pot, meet kettle), but also how she’ll never really be a Shadowhunter because she was raised as a mundane.

Clary is completely wrecked by this display of someone not coddling her, and starts to leave. But before she does, she says what I’ve been saying for a long time now – that Jace is just like Valentine. Then she leaves.

Side note: I consider this to be a much better spot to end a chapter on than what we got.

Scene break, and we’re back to Simon. He’s laying in his cell, staring out his window and feeling generally crappy. He then decides to share his woes with his neighbor, specifically the fact that Aldertree intends to starve him either to death, or until Simon agrees to give him what he wants.

Samuel (Simon’s neighbor, in case you forgot) basically responds with, “well, that really sucks, but what do you expect me to do about it?”

He then gives some background about Aldertree and the Lightwoods. Short version: Aldertree is basically Snape to the Lightwoods’ James Potter, sans the wanting to fuck his wife bit.

We also get an info-dump about Shadowhunter society, specifically how there is a kind of class system in place, despite appearances to the contrary. Families that run Institutes (yes, I’m going to ding that), get paid more than regular Shadowhunters.

You Keep Using That Word: 2

And Shadowhunters can get regular jobs, so long as they give a portion to the Clave. But a big way they make money is by basically killing Downworlders and taking their stuff. And when the Accords were put into place, a lot of Shadowhunters got upset, because it was cutting off a very lucrative source of income for them.

Remind me: why are they supposed to be the good guys, again? I mean, this isn’t like D&D, where there’s usually some kind of justification for killing things and taking their stuff – these assholes killed people with the goal being to take their stuff.

Our “Heroes”: 3

And don’t ask me where any of this opposition is, because this is literally the first I’m hearing about any of it. Almost as if CC didn’t actually think this out ahead or time or something.

Shoddy World Building: 1

Oh, and according to Samuel the Circle was more ‘pure’ or whatever in their desire to kill Downworlders because they only wanted to do it because they felt it was a “sacred duty” or whatever, rather than just to make money.

I honestly don’t know how I should feel about that. One group would kill innocent people to take their stuff, and the other would do the same because they’re basically zealots.

…

You know what? I think I have a solution to this whole mess. I’m calling it the “Ripley Option”, to whit:

Anyway, Valentine basically turned the entire Circle into his personal cult, which is really not all that surprising, and just lends support to my argument that letting the Lightwoods go was a really, really stupid decision.

Anyway, Samuel basically says that if he were in Simon’s place, he’d take Aldertree’s offer, despite having literally just told Simon that there’s a distinct possibility that Aldertree will kill him anyway.

Then Samuel gets very self-deprecating, but we do get a line that I actually kinda like:

“One thing you’ll learn as you get older, Simon, is that when people tell you something unpleasant about themselves, it’s usually ture.”

Then Simon gives his justification for why he won’t turn on the Lightwoods – Clary. Though he doesn’t say her name, instead referring to her as Jace’s sister.

And as annoying as that is, Samuel once again gets a good line to close out the scene:

“Isn’t there always a girl.”

Scene change, and we’re in… someone’s POV. The narration starts with discussing Jace’s actions, but only a description of how he appears to be feeling, so it can’t be him. And since Alec and Isabelle are the only other people in the room, and CC wouldn’t write from Isabelle’s perspective unless forced to, I’m going to assume it’s Alec’s POV.

Anyway, Clary just left, and both Alec and Isabelle actually admonish Jace for his actions, for a moment at least. But then Jace asks them to “leave [him] alone […]. Please.” This gets the Lightwood siblings to relent, because “Jace never said please.” Which just lends credence to my point of Jace being an asshole.

The conversation moves back to what Alec wanted to discuss, and we get confirmation that this bit is from his POV. Apparently that note he wrote then burned at the end of chapter 4 was a “fire-message” which he sent to Magnus. So, basically a cross between the mail-by-owl and fireplace-as-phone/Skype thing from Harry Potter.

And you couldn’t just send Maguns a text because…?

Shoddy World Building: 2

Sorry to do this, but please indulge me in a brief tangent.

Look, I get it, CC – you want to have your own special ‘magical’ versions of stuff. But you don’t have to do that, when you can just use a normal, every day solution instead. And if you are going to insist on making up a new thing, at least come up with a reason for said thing.

Here, I’ll give you two examples:

In the Harry Potter books – as previously mentioned – wizards mostly use either owl-mail or fireplace-phones to communicate. Now, they could use regular mail in the case of the former, but there’s the not-so-subtle implication that owl-mail can track a person pretty much anywhere, regardless of location, which is pretty useful. As for the latter, while they probably could use phones (they have radios, after all, so presumably magic wouldn’t muck-up the works of a land-line), presumably they’ve had the fireplace system for a long time, so why drop a system that works?

For another example, take the messenger hawks in the Old Kingdom books. It’s established very early in Sabriel that the magic in the Old Kingdom really messes up any technology too advanced – we’re talking things as basic as paper here. This effect even extends into the northern end of Ancelstierre under the right conditions, causing things like phones and telegraphs to stop working. So instead, the people of the Old Kingdom use magical talking hawks to convey messages.

However, in this instance, there’s no reason for this. We know Shadowhunters have and use plenty of modern technology. So why not just use that instead of making up something new that’s never been mentioned before?

[Thank you for your indulgence]

Getting back to the book, Magnus apparently told Alec that no Portal opened in New York.

You Keep Using That Word: 3

This means that Simon never got sent back to New York. Meaning Malachi appears to have lied to Alec about his intentions.

“How surprising.”:http://www.dramabutton.com/

I can’t help but think that this revelation would work just a little better if we didn’t already know this.

Isabelle tries to cover for Malachi, because I guess someone has to play the gullible rube, and there’s no way it’s going to be Jace. Also, another one of these.

You Keep Using That Word: 4 (“Portal”)

Alec explains that he had planned on asking Malachi about it that morning, but then didn’t because… reasons, and instead did a bit of eavesdropping on Malachi because… other reasons. Those reasons apparently being “because CC wrote herself into a corner, and needed a quick fix.

Plot Hole: 2

Anyway, Alec overheard Malachi telling one of the guards to bring some vampire up to see Aldertree, and then just to make absolutely clear who they’re discussing, also called said vampire stupid for thinking they’d send him back to New York without questioning him first, and also mentioned that said vampire was brought in by “Valentine’s son”, because CC just can’t not hand her characters any answer they might need on a silver platter.

Jace actually expresses some guilt about putting Simon in this situation, but that’s quickly quashed by both Alec and Isabelle coddling him.

Also, Jace is apparently more concerned about Clary finding out, because clearly she will assume he did this on purpose. Which, again, just says so much about him.

Our “Heroes”: 4

Also, quick tangent – why did Alec insist on not letting Clary learn about this? Because it’s only going to make things worse when she does find out.

Oh, wait, never mind; I forgot that Clary only cares about Simon when the plot requires it, or some other girl shows an interest in him.

Which just leads back to my previous question – why are we keeping this a secret?

Isabelle tries to console Jace with this line:

“No one could ever think you’d do that, Jace. No one who knows you.”

Uh, have you met him, Isabelle? Because I totally believe Jace would pull something like this.

Jace walks over to the window. We get a description of how his hair looks for no apparent reason.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

And then he punches the window, breaking it, because he’s a manly man, and manly men only express emotions like anger, and they express them by breaking shit.

And Isabelle caps off her scene of being a complete dunce by rhetorically asking how they’re going to explain the broken window to their hosts. End scene.

Back to Clary. She runs out of the house and almost throws up on the roses by the front door. Nice.

She’s completely forgotten how she got there, so Clary just wanders for a bit, and thinks about what Jace said. Then she randomly hears a male voice yelling her name and for an instant thinks it might be Jace. Because of course she does.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4

It’s not, though. It’s Sebastian. There is much gushing about his appearance, because that’s what this book really needs right now.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 5

They talk, and once again CC’s poor ability to convey the passage of time rears its ugly head, because it’s now getting late, and Sebastian offers to walk Clary home. Clary hesitates, making him swear not to tell anyone who she’s staying with first. He agrees, and we end the scene with this little exchange:

He offered her his arm. “Shall we?”
She managed a smile. “You’re kind of pushy, you know.”
He shrugged. “I have a fetish for damsels in distress.”
“Don’t be sexist.”
“Not at all. My services are also available to gentlemen in distress. It’s an equal opportunity fetish.”

See, that’s a nice exchange. Kinda makes me wonder if CC stole it from somewhere.

But regardless, Sebastian is actually kind of charming. He’s not a total asshole to Clary. So please, CC, explain to me why I’m not supposed to hope that Clary will give up lusting after Jace and go for the nice, friendly, charming guy instead?

I mean, besides the fact that he’s obviously going to turn out to be a bad guy.

Back to Alec. He and Jace are now up in the attic. There’s a description of the color of Jace’s eyes.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 6

And it includes this bit:

but the color tended to change with his moods.

Isn’t that one of those big signs of a Mary Sue?

So, apparently they came up here to bandage Jace’s bleeding hand. Because why would we want to do this in, say, the bathroom, where we can easily clean up any mess, when we can instead do it in a make-shift bedroom instead?

And to my surprise, we get a somewhat decent interaction between the two of them. Alec decides to use their med-kit, and even calls Jace out on his behavior.

Case in point – Jace wants to know why Alec isn’t just using healing magic, and Alec says this:

“Because I think it would do you good to feel the pain. You can heal like a mundane. Slow and ugly. Maybe you’ll learn something. Although I doubt it.”

Then things quickly go down hill. Alec implies that Jace keeps hurting himself because of how he feels about Clary, and then says he shouldn’t feel bad about because he can’t help it.

Dude, no. Just… no.

Then Jace flips the conversation, asking about Alec’s relationship with Magnus. Great.

Oh, also, apparently Jace not only knows how Alec feels about him, but also somehow concluded that said feelings were just a front for Alec to avoid developing a romantic relationship with someone else.

Somehow, this all gets around to Jace forcing Alec to lie to everyone else about where he is, and to lie about the window to the Penhallows, all so he (Jace) can try to get Simon out of jail.

Can’t help but think that this is the kind of thing where bringing help along would be a good idea. But I guess that doesn’t allow for as much thrilling heroics on his part. End scene.

And we’re back with Clary again. The narration goes on for a bit about how her mom described light in the evening, and how her descriptions must have been of evenings here, and honestly I don’t really care.

Sebastian breaks her out of her daze, again showing that all these moments of Clary staring at something are happening in real time. Clary mentions that she snuck out, and that she’s technically not supposed to be here.

[Sorry, not sorry.]

Of course, this gets no reaction from Sebastian. Or rather, not the reaction you’d expect.

Oh, hey – title drop.

“I gathered there was some bad blood between your brother and you.”

I don’t think CC understands what “bad blood” usually means in a social context. Or at least, not what I’ve always understood it to mean. Multi-generational family feuds? That’s bad blood. This? This is sibling bullshit.

Want evidence? Clary goes on to list all the little stuff between her and Jace, namely that he tells her what to do all the time. Then Sebastian points out that she kinda ends up doing what Jace wants anyway, so there’s that argument down the drain.

Then Clary turns the question on Sebastian, and here’s his response:

“I like [Jace]. But I don’t think he likes me much. Everything I say seems to piss him off.”

Yeah, that’d be the bad writing, Sebastian.

Anyway, they walk along a bit, eventually reaching the city center. Here we find Angel Square, and the Great Hall of the Angel. Such evocative names, especially for such an old city. Located right smack-dab between France and Germany.

Shoddy World Building: 3

Clary mentions that the Hall looks a lot like a church, then notes that they don’t really have churches. Sebastian says they don’t really need to, since they have the demon towers to protect them.

Yes, because that’s the only reason anyone would build a church. To keep demons away. Right. I mean, why would a group of people supposedly given a divine mission possibly want places of worship?

Shoddy World Building: 4

Also, I would note that there’s a lot of reverence for this particular angel, yet none for God. Which I’m fairly certain violates the First Commandment, and possibly the Second.

Sebastian gives us a bit of info about himself – he lives in Paris, and Alaine is his cousin on his mother’s side.

Clary asks about the Penhallows being not-Death Eaters, and we get this response from Sebastian:

“A good half of the young Shadowhunters in Idris were part of the Circle, and plenty of those who weren’t in Idris too.”

Okay, so if that was the case, why did Valentine have his little putsch? Why not just leverage that influence into actual power?

CC, you can’t claim that your villain is a manipulative genius, then have him make big, obvious mistakes like this. It’s just so stupid.

Shoddy World Building: 5

Apparently the Penhallows dropped out early and fled to China, and were subsequently responsible for the Lightwoods getting sent to New York as punishment. Well, at least now I know who to blame.

More back story from Sebastian. His mom and dad are both dead; he was raised by his aunt. Presumably the one on his father’s side.

They reach Cistern Square, where Amatis apparently lives. Sebastian tries to hit on Clary, but she seems pretty oblivious.

And then, for no apparent reason, she tells him about Fell. Because I guess asking the people she already knows to help her would be… something.

Mildly difficult?

An obvious solution?

Not playing into the very-obviously-forced love triangle CC is so clearly tyring to set up?

Yeah, I think it’s that last one. Regardless, end scene.

Next scene begins with… Clary climbing into her room. So, what was that scene break there for?

A Word From Our Sponsors: 2

Clary is very proud of herself, until the lights come on. Yep. Amatis is sitting on the bed, like a parent in a sit-com. She says Clary looks like her mom dressed like that (must everyone point that out?), then tells Clary to change and meet her in the kitchen. She also gives a solid response to Clary sneaking around – if she does it again, Amatis will magically seal the place so Clary can’t get back in.

Well, glad to see at least someone in this book is parenting.

We get a description of the house, which is nice, as most of CC’s descriptions of locations tend to be. However, she describes the living room as being “homely,” which is not really the word she wants, at least not with Clary being from New York.

See, in British English, “homely” has the meaning CC intends – simple, but comfortable. But in American English, it means something different – namely, unattractive, which does not fit with the description at all. The word CC wanted was “homey.” So the word might technically mean what CC intends, just not in the dialect she (or her characters) speak.

You Keep Using That Word: 5

Okay, back to the book.

Amatis flat-out says she figures Clary went to see Jace, then starts info-dumping about when Luke got turned into a werewolf, because… reasons.

Basically, he came to her for help, and she turned him away, and feels super guilty about it. And somehow she thinks that taking care of Clary will somehow make up for that. Okay.

But since Clary left pretty much the minute she turned her back, Amatis feels like she’s royally screwed up. Yet, rather than punish Clary for sneaking out, Amatis decides to just feel sorry for herself. Because why try to do better, when you can just give up instead.

I take back what I said about her parenting abilities.

Clary goes to bed, and throws her own pity party, thinking about how everyone her. Yeah, yeah, “nobody likes me/ everybody hates me/ guess I’ll go eat worms,” etc.

Unfortunately, her “I’m so alone and abandoned” thing is undermined by the mention of Simon who – reminder – is, at this very moment, locked up in a cell, and for whom Clary has barely spared a single thought since this book began.

And with Clary wallowing in her emo-ness, the chapter comes to a close. I’m torn between imaging her listening to Linkin Park’s “Crawling” or Evanescence’s “Bring Me to Life.”

Okay, before I go, I just want to give a quick notice about installments of this sporking in the near future:

So, I’ve long since given up on trying to stick to a schedule. But I’ve decided to once again do NaNoWriMo this year, meaning I’ll be focusing my efforts on my own writing, rather than sporking. And I will have some other family commitments in November, eating up more of my time.

That said, I’ll still try to get something out, and worst-case, the next posting will be in December. See y’all then.

Counts

Both Hands, Ma’am: 6 (Total: 17)
Entirely Pointless: 0 (Total: 7)
Our “Heroes”: 4 (Total: 40)
Plot Hole: 2 (Total: 8)
Rapier Twit: 0 (Total: 1)
You Keep Using That Word: 5 (Total: 81)
Shoddy World Building: 5 (Total: 18)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 ( Total: 1)

Comment [8]

Hey, everybody. It’s a bit later than I’d like, but I come bearing for you all a gift for [insert winter holiday of preference here] – the next chapter of the sporking.

So, quick recap of what’s happened so far:

Clary’s learned about a way to bring her mom out of the coma she’s been in for an unspecified amount of time (because CC doesn’t really do a good job of indicating the passage of time). The problem is, the guy she needs to contact is a warlock who – for some inexplicable reason – lives in the secret Shadowhunter Land. And Jace isn’t too keen on letting her go, because he’s super clingy and possessive I mean very protective. Yes. Protective. And not creepy at all.

Meanwhile, Shadowhunter leadership has finally decided to get off their collective asses and do something about Valentine being back. And for some reason this requires calling in all the Shadowhunters from around the world. Because there’s no group more democratic than a quasi-religious warrior society. Yep.

Since Jace couldn’t convince Clary to just stay home, he instead lied to her about when he and the Lightwoods were going to leave, even trying to rope Simon into his deception as well. And remember, kids – we’re supposed to like him! Unfortunately, things went kinda pear-shaped when a group of Forsaken (remember them? From the first book?) popped up out of nowhere, killing Plot-Coupon lady from the end of the last book, and forcing the Lightwoods to drag Simon along with them to Shadowhunter Land.

Clary came by later, found out that she’d been lied to, and using her magical bullshit powers managed to open up her own magic portal to Shadowhunter Land, despite having never actually been there, because she saw it in a dream (see what I mean by bullshit?). And she also dragged along an unwilling passenger in the form of Luke. Unfortunately for both of them, Shadowhunter City has some nasty anti-demon protections, which ended up dropping the both of them into a lake that’s basically toxic for Shadowhunters. Alas, they both survived, and went on a quick walking tour of Shadowhunter Land, ending with them very easily sneaking into Shadowhunter City and going to crash at Luke’s sister’s place. (Side-note: Luke’s sister is also the ex-wife of the late-Inquisitor’s dead son, because everyone in these books has to be connected to everyone else. And she too was a member of the not-Death Eaters, just like every other adult in this series)

Meanwhile, Simon and the Lightwoods are staying with some friends of theirs who are also probably ex-not-Death Eaters who have also managed to avoid facing any real consequences for their previous actions. We haven’t met the adults, but we have met the kids: Aline, who’s basically there to be the new target for Clary’s feminine ire; and Sebastian, who’s basically there to form a new love-triangle with Clary and Jace, because that’s basically the only plotline CC really knows, and the Clary-Jace-Simon thing got resolved in the last book.

And Simon’s totally not a bad guy. Nope. Not at all.

Anyway, Shadowhunter leadership heard about Simon, and managed to convince him (through Alec) to literally walk into their clutches, so they could lock him up. Seems the new Inquisitor is kinda curious about his whole “able to walk around in the day without bursting into flames” deal, but also wants to use Simon to support him opposing the Lightwoods, to whit – he wants Simon to say that the Lightwoods have been working with Valentine this whole time. Why does he want to do this?

… uuuhh, reasons? Basically, he’s always kinda hated them, so now he’s trying to get revenge.

Also, Simon’s neighbor has provided some info-dumps on Shadowhunter society, and it turns out that they are way worse than even I had initially believed.

Moving on, last time Clary managed to track down the Lightwoods and confront Jace about his shenanigans, while totally ignoring anyone else’s attempt to bring up Simon, because we really need to keep that bit of drama on the back-burner. Sebastian has also found out about Simon being locked up, because the Inquisitor and his minions are all idiots. And Jace has decided that he – alone – needs to break Simon out of prison, because… reasons.

Also, Sebastian took Clary on a little walking tour of Shadowhunter City, because forced love-triangle, and she got a bit of a talking to/shaming from Luke’s sister. Because if there’s anyone the reader should feel sorry for right now, it’s Clary.

I know this sounds like a lot has happened, but it’s all mostly been teen drama bullshit, while the actual “guy gathering magical MacGuffins to end the world or whatever” plot has just been sitting in the corner being ignored.

So, with all that out of the way, let’s get to Chapter 7 – Where Angels Fear to Tread.

Fun fact – the whole line (“For Fools rush in where Angels fear to tread”) is line 628 of Alexander Pope’s super-long (almost 750 lines!) 1711 poem, “An Essay on Criticism.” The meaning of the line is fairly obvious – those with little or no experience will go or do things that more thoughtful, experienced individuals won’t. Of course, this being CC, I’m fairly confident that she wasn’t intending to make that reference, and instead was thinking more, “ooh, a literary reference involving angels!”

But I’m willing to be proven wrong. So, let’s go.

We begin with Simon waking up from a “dream of blood and sunlight.” Now, I’m actually a bit curious about this dream, so of course CC decides that this time, we’re not getting to see the dream. No, only Clary gets the special dream sequences.

Simon was woken up by someone saying his name. Who is it? Why Jace, of course. Simon is decidedly not happy to see him, though I’m surprised that it takes him so wrong to realize it. Like, the narration mentions a “buzzing in [his] ears” and it’s not until two paragraphs later that Simon realizes he’s angry. What the hell?

Jace is, of course, very flippant about this, deciding to make a joke about it.

“You’re not happy to see me, then?” Jace said. “I have to say, I’m surprised. I’ve always been told my presence brightened up any room. One might think that went doubly for dank underground cells.”

I’m giving that two counts. One for being a really stupid joke

Rapiter Twit: 1

and another for being really inappropriate.

Our “Heroes”: 1

Seriously, Jace – now is not the time to be cracking jokes.

Alec says he’s pretty sure that Jace knew he’d get locked up. Jace says he didn’t, and this leads to an actual good bit of dialogue:

Simon: “You’re either lying or stupid—”
Jace: “Then I’m stupid.”
Simon: “—or both. I’m inclined to think both.”

As am I, Simon. As am I.

There’s a bit about Jace smelling like blood, to which Jace responds with, ”It’s my cologne. Eau de Recent Injury.”

Rapier Twit: 2

And you were doing so well there for a minute, CC. Oh, well.

Simon tells Jace about what Aldertree’s been up to, including people believing he’s a spy. Apparently this is a problem, because the Accords don’t apply to spies. Okay, then. Also, we get an instance of “Law.”

You Keep Using That Word: 1

And Jace reveals his “brilliant” plan – break Simon out, and use the Portal

You Keep Using That Word: 2

to send him back to New York.

Simon is against this, because it will lead to more trouble for Jace and the Lightwoods, because he’s actually a good person.

We also get a rehash of the conspiracy that Aldertree has put together: the Lightwoods have been working with Valentine this whole time, and them leading the attack at the end of the last book was to keep that under wraps. It also resulted in many Shadowhunter deaths, and Valentine once again managed to escape with the book’s MacGuffin.

I really don’t think CC gets how well that all hangs together. I mean, we know it’s not true, but it is pretty “convenient” that some of the people who used to work for/with Valentine lead the most recent attack against him, and he somehow managed to escape. If that was the only evidence anyone had – which is exactly the situation presented – that’s some reasonably compelling evidence.

And all this is to remove the Lightwoods as opposition to the Inquisitor in the Clave, so he can “make whatever policies he wants.”

And what policies might these be? Not really sure. The best I can come up with is reinstituting the “kill Downworlders and take their stuff” policy, but we’ve already been over why the Circle being opposed to that was a stupid idea. But I guess it sounds good, and somehow CC got the idea in her head that she wanted to include “political intrigue” or whatever in her books, and this is the best she could come up with.

Jace is predictably worried about Clary finding out about Simon, because of course he is.

Our “Heroes”: 2

This leads to Simon saying he’s glad she’s in New York, a statement which Jace does not bother to correct. Quelle surprise.

Our “Heroes”: 3

And let’s dwell on this for a moment: Jace’s plan is to break Simon out and send him back to New York, presumably so that Clary won’t find out about him being dragged along and being thrown in prison. Except that once Simon gets back to New York, he’s going to very quickly discover that Clary is gone. And it’s not like Clary and Simon never speak interact. So, even assuming that everything went off without a hitch, Clary would quickly learn about what happened to Simon, and that Jace intentionally lied to them both.

What’s the plan here, Jace? Are you hoping that Simon will defend you when Clary finds out about this? Are you expecting Simon to just shrug and accept that you lied to him? Are you planning on keeping Clary locked up in a cage or something so that she’ll never speak to Simon again?

(It’s that last one, isn’t it. God, Jace is such a creep.)

I just don’t see the point here. There’s no reason to lie to Simon about this. Clary’s ignorance I can excuse, because she brushed off any mention of Simon. But here, Jace has the opportunity to tell the truth, and he doesn’t. For no reason.

Anyway, they make a new plan: Simon stays put until they can come up with a better plan. He also mentions Aldertree trying to starve him, and asks for blood so he can hold up better. And Simon also says he didn’t mention drinking Jace’s blood, to keep Jace out of trouble. Because again, Simon is actually a good person.

But Jace gets all moody about it, and tells Simon to not protect him because he, *”[doesn’t] deserve it,” because he’s being an little emo shit. Oh, and he also calls Simon “vampire.”

Our “Heroes”: 4

End scene.

Next scene has us back with Clary. She wakes up because someone’s throwing rocks at her window. She opens it up and we get what I feel is an unnecessarily lengthy description of who’s outside. It’s Sebastian, but we have to get a description so we can (along with Clary) can momentarily think it’s Jace.

Because that’s just how this book is.

The two have a strangely nuanced conversation, given that they’re communicating only with hand gestures. Sebastian wants her to climb out her window, but Clary wants him to go to the front door. Because Amatis will somehow be less upset this way?

Oh, wait, she isn’t even bothering to try parenting. Nevermind.

Clary lets Sebastian in, and comments on how corny it is for him to be throwing rocks at her window. CC, pointing out your bad tropes does not make them no longer stupid/cliche, nor does it make the work funny.

Sebastian tells Clary to get dressed so they can go out, but Clary turns him down. Apparently she’s feeling really guilty about her actions the previous day, and has more or less grounded herself.

I… honestly don’t know how to feel about that.

So Sebastian just decides to tell Clary why he came by – he’s found out where Ragnor Fell lives. Not sure why he didn’t just lead with that.

The next scene is… ten minutes later, after Clary gets dressed. Why did we need a scene break there?

Oh, wait. I know why.

A Word From Our Sponsors: 1

Sebastian insists on helping Clary put on her coat – because apparently being raised in France means having higher standards for manners, or something? Mostly this bit is here so we can get this bit:

Clary smiled, despite her nervousness. Sebastian was good at making her smile, she realized with a faint sense of surprise. Almost too good at it.

Yep. We just have to push the love-triangle plotline. And, as with so many poorly done love triangles, the character we’re not supposed to be backing is the one the primary character actually has chemistry with.

Clary asks if Fell lives nearby, and Sebastian tells her he lives outside the city. Given that the Shadowhunters literally regulate when Downworlders can enter the city, I don’t know why Clary wouldn’t have figured that out. Also, Sebastian says they’ll be getting a ride to Fell’s house.

I’m going to say that again, because the phrasing is important: Sebastian says that they will get a ride to Fell’s house. You’ll understand why in a minute.

Clary is concerned about sharing information about what she’s doing, though I’m not quite sure why. I mean, yes, she snuck into the city, but we have no reliable evidence that her movements would be monitored or restricted. And no, I don’t consider Jace to be a “reliable” source about what the Shadowhunter big-wigs would do with Clary, given they don’t know anything about her abilities.

Regardless, Sebastian assures her that it won’t be a problem.

As they walk, Clary feels all excited and nervous about meeting Fell. And for some reason, she also freaks out a bit any time she sees someone who even vaguely resembles Jace or Isabelle.

You know, I feel like I said something at some point about Shadowhunters having a very small gene pool, and this only serves to support that.

But of course, Clary just assumes that they both hate her, because we have to ensure the reader feels sorry for Clary, rather than thinking about how any such treatment might be her own fault.

Sebastian asks why Clary keeps looking around, and she explains. Sebastian mentions that – as far as he knows – Jace has been sulking in his room, and also mentions that Jace hurt his hand. This of course snaps Clary out of her funk for a moment, because oh, noes, Jace is hurt.

Our “Heroes”: 5

But before we can dwell on that, they reach their destination, and Sebastian goes off to get their ride. I’m going to save you the attempt at “suspense” and just tell you outright – they’re at a stables. Their ride is a horse.

And this is why I wanted you to take note of Sebastian’s choice of language – they aren’t “getting” a ride, they’re just “riding.” He could have just said, “we’re going to ride there.” So CC deliberately chose to have him say, “we’re getting a ride,” to make this more “surprising” or something. Because if Clary needs to be confused about something, so does the reader. Can’t have the reader be smarter than the main character – how else will they identify with her?

Or something like that.

Clary is, of course, surprised tha Sebastian has a horse, so he has to explain that a lot of Shadowhunter families have horses, and that there aren’t any cars in Shadowhunter City – something you’d think Clary would have noticed, given that she’s from New York, one of the most urbanized areas in the world.

Sebastian tells Clary to get on the horse, which leads to this little exchange:

Clary backed up. “I’ve never ridden a horse before.”
“I’ll be riding Wayfarer,” Sebastian reassured her. “You’ll just be sitting in front of me.”

Um, dude? She will be riding the horse. She just won’t have to worry about controlling it. Just because you aren’t behind the wheel of a car doesn’t mean you aren’t riding in one.

We get a moment of Clary being scared of the horse, namely how it has big teeth, prompting her to imagine it biting her, which then leads to criticizing girls from middle school who wanted ponies. Why do I feel like this is CC inserting a bit too much of herself in her character?

Regardless, Clary gets on the damn horse. Because otherwise, the plot would stop here.

There’s another scene break, but this one is about as relevant as the last one.

A Word From Our Sponsors: 2

Quick summation: Clary gets on the horse. The horse starts moving, and she freaks out. There’s more teasing of the love triangle crap. Sebastian smells like pepper, and apparently Jace smells like “sunlight”, because CC just needs to be poetic or some shit.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

There. I just summed up two paragraphs in about four sentences.

Clary asks how Sebastian found out where Fell lives. Apparently his aunt – the one who raised him – is the Shadowhunter version of Varys from Game of Thrones or something, which once again makes me wonder why I’m reading about these idiots when there’s interesting people hanging around in the margins.

Also, Sebastian hasn’t been in Shadowhunter City since he was about five, yet he still has to wax poetic about it, because we really need to hammer home how great the Shadowhunter ethno-state is or something. And apparently the place Jace used to live is close to where they’re going, because this country is about the size of Vatican City or something.

The conversation then turns to Jace’s childhood, and how Valentine must have been a terrible person, with Clary actually defending him. I’d say I don’t know why this is here, but I’ve read this book, so I can tell you that this is yet more CC “foreshadowing”. At least it’s not quite as blatant as before.

Anyway, they’ve arrived. Wow, that trip really was fast; are we sure we needed the horse? Oh, wait, that was so we could keep forcing this stupid “love triangle.” Nevermind.

Speaking of which, the dismounting involves yet more teasing. Again, CC, if you actually bothered to put in even half this much effort with Clary and Jace, I might actually be somewhat invested in this “conflict.”

Clary looks around, but doesn’t see Fell’s house. Or any house, for that matter. Because he hid it behind some glamour, which are apparently stronger in Shadowhunter Land for some reason. I mean, why use this as a chance to show just that Clary is still adjusting to all this? Nah, can’t have the protagonist have any flaws persisting through multiple books.

The description of Clary seeing through the glamour is fine, as is that of the house itself. And apparently Fell has a weird sense of humor, because he makes the smoke from the chimney form a question mark. This is made more clear when they form hearts after Sebastian wraps an arm around Clary because she was cold for a second.

And here I thought I’d have to actually see this character before starting to dislike him. That’s impressive, CC.

Speaking of which, we finally do get to see Fell in the flesh. And once again, the narration takes way too long to tell us that it’s Magnus Bane.

Magnus earns a little of my respect back by snarking irreverently at Sebastian. It’s like getting a brief glimpse of who he used to be, before CC decided to “develop” him. But then Clary starts talking, so Magnus freezes Sebastian so he and Clary can chat.

And no, before you ask, Magnus is not secretly Fell. Even CC wouldn’t go for a twist that contrived.

They head inside to chat for a bit. In quick summation: Magnus was contacted by Fell the previous night, and upon arriving, Magnus found Fell dea, his house in a shambles, and the smell of demons in the air. Clary brings up the “demons can’t enter Shadowhunter Land” thing, but well, the evidence doesn’t appear to bear that out.

Magnus asks Clary who might have known she was looking for Fell. Clary starts listing off people, quickly reaching the Lightwoods. Magnus figures that if the Lightwoods knew, then they probably told the Clave, which is how Valentine found out.

Clary starts blaming herself for this, so of course Magnus has to step in to assure her that, no, it’s not her fault that Valentine came after this guy. Because apparently Valentine knew what Jocelyn did to put herself in her coma, and knows that that particular bit of knowledge can only be found in a certain spell book.

So Clary, for once, asks the logical question – how, exactly, does Magnus know all this?

Answer: warlocks can leave messages for each other in magic, invisible writing. And apparently Fell wrote down a whole lengthy message as he died. Gotta say, maybe if he’d spent less time writing out his final words and more time seeking medical attention, he might still be alive.

So, here’s what happened to Fell: some of Valentine’s cronies came by and asked about the Book of the White, the aforementioned special spell book. Which apparently belonged to Jocelyn, and Fell told her where to hide it.

Gotta say, that kinda irks me. Downworlders just aren’t allowed to have anything special, are they?

Anywho, turns out the book is hidden at the Wayland place, because of course it is. And once again, Clary asks the obvious question – how did Valentine not find it, given how long he was squatting there? Answer: Jocelyn put a fake cover on it. So it looks like a cookbook instead.

This is supposed to be funny.

Rapier Twit: 1

So Clary asks another obvious question: if Magnus knows all of this, why hasn’t he gotten the book? Because apparently Valentine set up a really nasty security system to keep everyone out. But presumably Jace can get in, what with the whole “being Valentine’s son” thing.

Which of course leads to Clary insisting that Jace won’t help her, and Magnus pointing out that of course he will.

Now if all of this is starting to feel really, really contrived, you’re not imagining things – it is. I’m supposed to believe that, for all those years he spent there, Valentine never opened that book? Never even gave it a second glance? Look, I can appreciate hiding something in plain sight, but come on. And I work in a library cataloging new books, so I know the demand for cookbooks. Don’t tell me that Valentine never cooked for himself; he wasn’t the only person in that house. Someone would have found it.

Getting back to the book, Clary points out that even if she gets the book, she won’t know what to do with it, which gets to something that’s actually good: Magnus isn’t telling her all this out of the goodness of his heart – he wants the book as payment to fix Clary’s mom.

Well, I’ve probably seen worse ways to get a plotline back on the rails.

Clary agrees, of course, and they head out. They banter a bit about Sebastian, and their respective love lives – Magnus is pissy with Alec, no surprise there – and all this does is make me wish that he’d gone off with some equally sassy gay character. I’m thinking Lord Akeldama from the Parasol Protectorate books, myself.

Magnus unfreezes Sebastian, but not before asking Clary to keep everything he told her between them. Sebastian, of course, is completely oblivious to what happened. Magnus makes threatening noises, and Clary manages to convince Sebastian that they should leave, bringing this very long scene to a close.

And once again, the scene break only serves to provide a quick breather.

A Word From Our Sponsors: 3

Sebastian apologizes about the trip, and brings up Magnus Bane. Clary mentions the “High Warlock of Brooklyn” thing, which I still and will forever insist is just something Magnus made up. Clary mentions how Magnus and “Fell” are so very similar, tee-hee.

But Sebastian, being a good guy, offers to show Clary something else, if only so the trip isn’t a complete waste of time. Clary asks what, and Sebastian decides to be coy. End scene.

Next scene is, of course, them riding. At least there’s a bit of a fast-forward, so I’ll allow this one.

They’re heading even further away from the city, and given how many episodes of Serial Killers I’ve listened to, this is sending up all kinds of red flags.

They see the occasional rooftop or such in the distance, which Sebastian explains as belonging to the rich Shadowhunter families. Yep, just like in the real world, only the poors actually live full-time in the city, while the rich folks have fancy houses in the country. Kinda makes the anti-Downworlder sentiment seem more familiar, too.

Eventually they reach their destination – the burnt out husk of a building. Clary is confused, so Sebastian explains that this is where her parents lived. Because it’s totally normal to take a girl to the charred remains of her family’s old house – a house that she never actually lived in and has no memories of – on a first date.

Yeah, Sebastian is really giving off the creepy vibes, now.

But Clary doesn’t seem to think it’s creepy at all. No, she gets off and starts wandering the remains. I’ll give CC this much – she does a decent job capturing how I imagine it would feel for someone to walk through the remains of their own house after a fire, or something like that.

Clary starts crying, but it’s that “didn’t realize I was crying” thing that characters sometimes do, which doesn’t actually make sense. Sebastian is worried that he’s upset her, but Clary’s fine with all this, because she’s weird like that or something.

Then Sebastian starts talking about how awesome Clary is, giving her way more credit than she deserves, while also coming off as being a bit of a creepy stalker.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

No, I don’t care if he’s obviously trying to flatter Clary, because I’m fairly confident that I’m supposed to take his recounting of events seriously.

And I wasn’t kidding about the stalker thing, either. He literally says that he’s wanted to meet Clary since he first heard about her.

And yet again, this incredibly weird, creepy behavior works.

Because they kiss. And of course it’s described in excruciating detail.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

At least there’s no audience this time.

Oh, and even in the middle of this, Clary can’t stop thinking about Jace, because of course she can’t.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4

But then Clary has a random bad feeling, and stops.

Now, I’m all for demonstrating that consent can be retracted, but I’d like the reason for said retraction to be something more than random, out of nowhere feeling of wrongness. And yes, that is all we get.

Sebastian asks what’s wrong, and Clary flinches back when he reaches for her. He then mentions Jace, which leads to Clary being defensive in a way that would be suspicious to anyone who didn’t know that she wants to boink her brother.

So Clary just flat-out says that kissing Sebastian felt wrong, which kinda sets him off, and we get more creepy stalker talk about how they “have a connection,” and whatnot. Clary says she doesn’t feel said connection, but Sebastian insists that she does.

Sebastian grabs Clary, tight enough to cause pain. And then Sebastian’s eyes go black or something, because CC really, really doesn’t do subtlety.

But then he snaps out of it, and they go back to the horse. Oh, and Sebastian casually tells Clary about Simon, and Jace going to see him.

Which brings this chapter to a close.

Well, that all… certainly happened.

Okay, taking in the larger perspective, we’re now one-third of the way through this book, and almost done with part one.

I know it certainly feels like it’s been going forever, and some of that is almost certainly due to my own laziness. But still – we’ve covered a third of this book, and what have we gotten? A whole lot of the same teen-drama, after-school soap opera angst.

And it’s not as if there’s no other options, because there are. All this stuff with the Clave and whatnot, having to decide how to deal with the Valentine situation? That’s potentially interesting. Simon is on the periphery of that, and Alec is at least aware of it. But for some reason, CC has elected to instead focus on the oh-so-very forced drama around Clary and Jace.

But at least (A) we’ve almost reached the end of part one, and (B) the plot train looks like it’s finally going to be leaving the station.

See you next time.

Counts

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4 (Total: 21)
Entirely Pointless: 0 (Total: 7)
Our “Heroes”: 5 (Total: 45)
Plot Hole: 0 (Total: 8)
Rapier Twit: 1 (Total: 2)
You Keep Using That Word: 2 (Total: 83)
Shoddy World Building: 0 (Total: 18)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 ( Total: 1)

Comment [5]

Hello and happy 2019, everybody. Hope this year treats you well. And with some luck, I might actually buckle down and pump out more than one of these a month (no promises).

So, last time, Jace visited Simon in prison, with the brilliant plan of breaking Simon out by… doing stuff. Simon, having a functioning brain, pointed out that that was kind of a stupid non-plan, and managed to convince Jace to sneak him blood so he doesn’t starve to death, because the Shadowhunters don’t buy into any pussy-ass nonsense like the Geneva Conventions. Also, Jace very deliberately didn’t mention that Clary was in the city, because it’s not like that would look incredibly suspicious or anything, especially given both of their previous and current feelings re: Clary.

Meanwhile, Sebastian took Clary on a horse ride outside the city, first to visit the residence of Ragnor Fell. You know, that guy Clary just had to see to get help for her mom, but instead of trying to track him down, went out to find Jace and the Lightwoods instead?

(Tangent: “Jace and the Lightwoods” sounds like a band name.)

Except at Fell’s place, they found none other than Magnus Bane. He put a whammy on Sebastian to have a private chat with Clary. He explained that someone (presumably Valentine) sent some of his minions to kill Fell, because Fell knew the location of a special magic book that Jocelyn had, and which Valentine wants. And conveniently, Fell managed to write all this down before dying, along with the book’s location and how it’s remained hidden all these years. Because why wouldn’t you just hand the main character all the answers? Then they might have to actually work for this stuff.

Although, to be fair, if Clary wasn’t walked through this every step of the way, she’d never find the damn thing.

So Magnus offers Clary a deal – she gets him the book, and he’ll whip up a cure for her mom. Clary agrees.

After Sebastian gets un-whammied, he decides to take Clary to the burnt-out ruins of her mom and Valentine’s old house. Because that’s normal. Then they made out for a bit, because CC literally has exactly 1 trick in her writing toolbox, and it’s “love triangle.”

Oh, but then Clary got a bad feeling and stopped, prompting Sebastian to start talking like a creepy, possessive, violent stalker. Ah, there’s that subtlety I’ve come to expect from CC.

But at least one good bit came from all this nonsense – Clary finally found out that Simon was in Shadowhunter City, and that Jace knew about it.

Oh, and quick side-note before continuing: last time, I ended by noting that part one was almost over. That’s not entirely true. After this chapter, there’s only one more in part one.

Now, onward!

The chapter’s title is “One of the Living.” I expect it to be exactly as relevant as any other random chapter title in this series.

Once again, we being with Simon. He wakes up to find someone stuck a metal thermos through the bars of his window. There’s even a note attached, like he’s seven years old or something. And because I love sharing my suffering, you guys get to read it, too:

Simon: This is cow blood, fresh from the butcher’s. Hope it’s all right. Jace told me what you said, and I want you to know I think it’s really brave. Just hang in there and we’ll figure out a way to get you out. XOXOXOXOXOXOX Isabelle.

Wow. Just… wow. CC really turned Isabelle’s girly settings up to 11, didn’t she? I mean, damn. That’s the kind of note a 13-year-old girl sends a boy she’s got a crush on. What happened to the ‘comfortable with her sexuality’ Isabelle from the first book?

This amuses Simon, and after he’s downed a bit of blood, gets a weird feeling. He turns around to find Raphael behind him.

Now, when I first read this, I thought it might be a hallucination. You know, Simon’s subconscious needling him or something. Alas, I proved to be more creative than CC.

Simon gives the typical response to this sort of thing, Raphael tells him not to panic, refers to Simon as “Daylighter”, and Simon says he isn’t, even though he very clearly is. We then get a quick refresher on who Raphael is, because I guess he’s just too minor a character for the readers to remember.

(And in case you’ve forgotten, dear reader, he’s the second-in-command of the New York vampires, and the one who turned Simon)

*You Keep Using That Word: 1 (“Daylighter” – yes, I’m adding it to the list, and you’ll understand why soon)

We get an answer for how Raphael is here – he’s doing that Projection thing he did in the last book.

You Keep Using That Word: 2 (“Projection” – seriously, did that need to be capitalized?)

Simon asks why Raphael is here. Apparently vampires have rules about traveling – you need to tell the local top vampire if you’re leaving. Oh, and again, Raphael calls Simon “Daylighter.”

You Keep Using That Word: 3

I wasn’t aware that we were playing by Vampire: The Masquerade rules
Wouldn’t it be more pertinent to tell the local head vampire when you enter their territory?

This brings us to the actual head vampire of New York, Camille. Who is apparently still missing. You know, that sounds like something that might be interesting. Something that, say, a group of people trying to maintain the peace between vampires, other supernatural creatures, and those who traditionally hunt said creatures might be inclined to look into.

So, of course, we’re going to just brush right past it.

Simon explains that he didn’t leave on purpose. Raphael swears (“Dios”, because he’s Hispaic, don’cha know), prompting Simon to ask how he can do that. Answer? Raphael’s older, and doesn’t really believe anymore.

He also calls Simon “fledgling,” which upsets Simon. But not Jace calling him “vampire.” Interesting.

Raphael drops the term “Child of the Night,” just to be extra-pretentious.

You Keep Using That Word: 4

And we finally get to why Raphael has dropped in – he somehow heard that Simon drank Shadowhunter blood, and that’s why Simon is immune to sunlight.

To his credit, Simon points out that, were that true, it would have been discovered a long time ago. Raphael admits that that makes sense. And then he adds that pretty much every Downworlder is after Simon now, because of what he can do. And again, calls him “Daylighter.”

You Keep Using That Word: 5

Yes, Simon is now super-special awesome, because how else could he truly be worthy of Clary’s affection?

Simon asks if Raphael wants to get ahold of him, and he admits it does. But not because he wants to figure out what makes Simon the way he is – no, he considers Simon to be an abomination, because reasons. Oh, and gotta get these in quick:

You Keep Using That Word: 7 (“Children of the Night” and “Daylighter”)

But Raphael offers Simon a deal – once he’s out, Simon disappears, cuts ties with everyone he knew when he still had a pulse, and Raphael will leave him alone.

Simon refuses. Raphael points out that, you know, he’s a vampire, so it’s not really an option. Plus, what’s he got to complain about?

And, credit where it’s due, Simon does think about what it would be like to be sixteen for eternity; how he’ll never quite finish growing, he’ll always look the way he does, and how he’ll never be able to legally get drunk. Good job, CC.

Simon points out that he heard from other vampires about how Raphael still pretends to be human, and hasn’t cut ties with his family. I guess he heard about this while he was a rat, because that’s the only time he could have.

Raphael counters by pointing out that he’s not lying to himself about still being human and alive, while Simon is. End scene.

Why is it that the rest of these books can’t be even half as well-written as this scene?

And we’re back with Clary. Joy.

She’s just gotten back the Amatis’s place, and is imagining that she’s back in New York, all the while Amatis is trying to get her attention, and not even getting an acknowledgement. I’m not going to ding this, but it is annoying.

Clary finally responds when Amatis is about a foot away. Apparently Jace has come by for a visit. Clary is very obviously upset (which I approve of), and Amatis is worried that she did something wrong. Amatis then decides to go upstairs, rather than provide any kind of adult supervision, because even though she very clearly noticed that Clary’s attitude towards Jace has changed, we don’t need a third party cluttering up the scene.

Clary, of course, can’t imagine why she might want or need Amatis’s help for, and goes to the kitchen to confront Jace. And along the way we get a description of food that Amatis seems to have set out, including backing cookies, because… I guess we needed someone to play mother-hen? I don’t know.

On to Jace, including the ever-necessary description of his appearance in excruciating detail, including the Marks under his shirt, and the bandage on his hand.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

You Keep Using That Word: 6

Oh, and the narration insists that Clary totally doesn’t care that Jace hurt himself. Sure. Pull the other one, CC, it’s got bells on it.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Jace fakes being unconcerned about Clary being gone all day, because what kind of person expresses concern for friends/family wandering around alone in a city they’ve never been to? That’s just crazy.

Our “Heroes”: 1

Clary explains that she was out with Sebastian. And, were I not thoroughly convinced that she was only doing this to make Jace jealous, I’d actually approve. As is, it’s yet more teen soap opera shenanigans.

Anyway, Jace has come to apologize for his behavior. Of course, he still tries to convince Clary to go back to New York, so it’s less like, “I realize I was wrong, and am trying to make amends,” and more like, “I haven’t changed my mind, but will go through this ritual in the hopes that you’ll do what I want.”

As part of her counter-argument, Clary brings up Simon, and how she learned he was here. Jace tries to cast doubt on Sebastian, only to admit that he was telling the truth.

And to my amazement, Clary actually has a normal, human reaction – she starts throwing plates at Jace.

Jace explains that Simon is fine, and that he saw Simon just last night. Clary asks whether this was before or after she came by, and Jace pretended that nothing was wrong. And Jace continues to dig, by complementing his own acting skills.

This really pisses Clary off, so she jumps on him. But just as she’s about to punch him, he manages to catch her hand. Because he’s just so super fast, and we can’t have him getting any more hurt.

There’s much narration about how close the two are. Because of course there is.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

Jace asks why Clary thinks he did anything. Clary points out that he and Simon have never really gotten along. So Jace shows her the scar where he let Simon feed off him, which would be a good piece of evidence, except that he refers to Simon as “your vampire friend.” Because it’s not like Simon is his own separate being, or has any intrinsic value of his own.

Our “Heroes”: 3

And then Jace comes clean about what happened – why Simon was there, the attack, and why he dragged Simon along. Of course, he doesn’t explain why he didn’t tell any of this to Clary in the first place, because I guess that would indicate that his previous actions were wrong or something.

You Keep Using That Word: 7 (“Institute”, “Portal”)

Also, they let the authorities take Simon because Shadowhunter HQ is the only place in the entire microstate with a Portal.

You Keep Using That Word: 8

Of course, Clary brings up why they shouldn’t trust Shadowhunter leadership – the Inquisitor was a big meanie. I mean, she was just doing her job, but that’s what happens when your morality is based around how characters treat the hero.

Our “Heroes”: 4

You Keep Using That Word: 9 (“Law”)

Jace brings up an interesting point – Valentine used to rant about the Clave being corrupt, and maybe he was right. Of course, we don’t acknowledge that Valentine himself is even more extreme than them, meaning he essentially came to the right conclusion from the opposite direction.

There’s more PDA, which again, is kinda gross.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 5

Look, CC, I get that you maybe have an incest/taboo fetish, and that’s fine. And I’m not going to say that a YA book exploring sexuality and romance and whatnot is a bad thing. But maybe you should keep your personal kinks personal, or at least not make them a central part of your YA series, okay?

More bashing of the Inquisitor, basically implying that she’d gone rogue, even though she was literally doing her job.

Our “Heroes”: 5

We get yet more talk about how close they are. Yes, CC, we get it.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 6

Clary says she wants to see Simon, but Jace says no. Then he explains Aldertree’s plan, and that they have no plan to get Simon out. So now Clary comes up with a plan – while Jace and the Lightwoods are in a public place, she’ll get Magnus to break Simon out and back to New York. And she’ll get Magnus to do this as part of her giving him the magic book he’s after.

On the one hand, it’s not a bad plan. On the other, we’re still taking advantage of Magnus.

Clary tells Jace about her chat with Magnus (which we thankfully get to skip), and for some reason Jace concludes that Magnus is upset that some warlock is out there breaking the Law. Because he’s just shown such concern about that before, what with how he’s basically made a living doing just that, including to help them.

You Keep Using That Word: 11 (“Law”, “Lilith’s children”)

Anyway, Jace agrees to help get inside the old Wayland manor, and even knows the book they’re looking for – apparently it was the only cookbook in the library, which is totally not suspicious at all. And in exchange, Clary agrees to go back to New York, because I guess Jace deserves to get something, even though he really has no leverage here, given he lied to her about Simon.

Oh, and apparently Clary will take them there by magic, because I guess that’s just a thing she can do now, because reasons. End scene.

And we’re back with Simon again. This time, we begin with Samuel (and this might just be me, but there’ too many characters with S-names in this book) commenting on what interesting friends Simon has. Also, he calls him “Daylighter”, because everyone has to get in on this.

You Keep Using That Word: 9

Samuel also refers to Jace by his real name. More importantly, he points out that Simon having his friends sneak him blood isn’t a long-term solution, because eventually Aldertree will figure out that something’s up. Simon replies that he’s going to hope that Jace and the others figure out a way to get him out, because why should Simon play an active role in planning his own escape? And besides, he’s just got so much on his plate right now.

Simon also promises that he’ll ask his friends to break Samuel out.

Samuel is skeptical about this, but doesn’t explain why. He also says that Valentine will attack soon anyway, so Simon should maybe be more concerned with that, rather than slow death by starvation. Also, he calls Simon “Daylighter” again.

You Keep Using That Word: 10

Seriously, will no one refer to Simon by his name?

Also, I find Samuel’s shift to be very weird: first he points out that Simon’s plan of staving off starvation won’t work for long, implying that maybe he should get to work on plan, only to say that it’s all pretty much hopeless, because Valentine’s going to kill them soon anyway, with only a single paragraph of text between the two thoughts.

What the hell? Was there a cut? Did CC’s editor not catch this?

Simon asks how Samuel knows this, and we get yet more infodumping.

So, to take down the wards, you need demon blood. However, you have to be able to get past the wards to do that. But apparently Valentine figured out a way to get around that. Samuel told the Clave about this, but they didn’t believe him. Then Samuel compares their situation to the fall of Rome, with a decidedly less-than-accurate analogy. I’ll save myself some time and give you the short version of my rebuttal:

There were a number of factors that contributed to the eventual collapse of the Roman Empire, of which “invading barbarian hordes” was only one. Just as “Rome wasn’t built in a day,” it’s fall was gradual one. There was no single event that brought the empire down.
If one were to consider the Byzantine Empire to be a part or successor to the Roman Empire – a fair claim, given it was essentially the eastern half of the Roman Empire, and the Byzantines certainly considered themselves to be Roman – the Roman Empire continued to exist well into the 15th century, almost 2000 years after the establishment of the Roman Republic, and almost a thousand years after the collapse of the empire in western Europe.

So in short, either Samuel or CC has only a cursory knowledge of this particular event. And given who “Samuel” turns out to be, I’m inclined to put the blame on the later.

Also, he calls Simon “Daylighter” again.

You Keep Using That Word: 11

Ugh. End scene.

And we’re back to Clary. She’s getting shot out of a hole in space, so at least it’s somewhat amusing. Also, we got to skip finding out just how she knew where to send them, since IIRC, you have to actually know where you’re going to open a magic-door there. Then again, it’s not like CC’s rules for this sort of thing have ever been consistent, even in the first book.

Anyway, somehow Clary and Jace got split up while traveling through magic wormhole, so now Clary’s in a strange place, and all alone. This should be good for a bit of tension.

Oh, wait, Jace was in the next room. That bit of tension lasted all of [checks watch] three seconds. Which is actually pretty long for this series.

There’s a bit of gushing about how awesome Clary is for doing what she did, because of course there is.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 7

You Keep Using That Word: 12 (“Portal”)

A lot of the furniture in the house is covered in sheets caked in dust. Clary describes the place as looking like “something out of a fairy tale.” Jace (rightly) says it’s more like a horror movie. Also, I’m now wondering what kind of fairy tales Jocelyn read Clary.

Oh, wait, she never did that, did she?

Anyway, the house is cold. But it’s a special kind of cold. Here, I’ll let CC’s own words explain:

[T]he cold in the manor was more than physical cold: The place felt cold, as if there had never been warmth or light or laughter inside it.

Yep. That is some real A+ writing there. Is it any wonder that these books are such a huge success? That’s almost as good as “bent as easily as a blade of grass bending sideways.”

Jace is somehow amazed that the place is so dusty. Because why would dust gather in a place that’s been uninhabited for years? Real mystery, that is.

Jace turns on his magic glowy rock and they start exploring. And, of course, we have to get the obligatory description of Jace’s features, including the fact that all the wind or whatever from the magic space-sphincter didn’t muss his hair. Because of course it didn’t.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 8

Clary apparently assumed that Valentine kept living in this place even after faking his death for the second time, because reasons or something. Because apparently no one inherited or bought the place afterwards. Sure. Okay. I mean, given how Shadowhunters used to literally confiscate the possessions of any Downworlders they killed, of course no one would want to purchase a big, fancy estate out in the country. Makes sense.

Un-Logic: 1

Also, this:

You Keep Using That Word: 13 (“Portal”)

Jace leads the way to the library, and Clary is for some reason surprised that it’s not an almost exact copy of the one at the Institute. Because all personal libraries are the same or something?

You Keep Using That Word: 14 (“Institute”)

Jace talks a bit about spending time in the library, mostly to humble-brag about how many languages he knows.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 9

Clary takes a minute to imagine Jace as a child, reading stuff, because that’s what we really needed right now.

Entirely Pointless: 1

Jace walks over to a shelf and finds the book without any difficulty at all. Whelp, so much for that little sub-plot.

Clary takes a look inside, and the title is “printed in gilded Latin letters.” Just what the hell are “Latin letters”?

[Checks Google]

Okay, so a “latin font” seems to be one that uses serifs (those little lines at the ends of certain letters – compare Times New Roman to, say, Arial), but other than that, I’ve got nothing. The Latin alphabet is pretty much the same as the English one. So, what the heck were you going for here, CC?

Whatever. Clary flips a bit further, and doesn’t recognize the language. Apparently, it’s Ancient Greek, which Jace can kind of read. Because of course he can.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 10

Jace reminises a bit about how strict a father Valentine was. Yes, CC, we get it – he was horrible. You don’t need to remind us at every opportunity.

Then Clary, in a fit of child-like mischief, decides that they should make a mess of the library. Yep, that’ll show Valentine, who isn’t here, and probably hasn’t been for years. Yep.

Jace joins in, because why the heck not, and they somehow manage to trip the opening mechanism for a secret door. Because of course there’s a secret door. And why should these characters have to actually work to progress the plot?

Ugh. End chapter.

So that’s chapter 8. I’ll grant it this – stuff happened, and I didn’t feel like any one scene was a huge slog to get through. Plus, we finally got to see Clary taking Jace to task for his behavior, if only for a minute.

Next time, we’ll see what Valenting has hidden in his secret basement, and we’ll finally finish part one. Lord knows it’s taken a long time to get here.

Counts

Both Hands, Ma’am: 10 (Total: 31)
Entirely Pointless: 1 (Total: 8)
Our “Heroes”: 5 (Total: 50)
Plot Hole: 0 (Total: 8)
Rapier Twit: 1 (Total: 2)
You Keep Using That Word: 11 (Total: 94)
Shoddy World Building: 0 (Total: 18)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 ( Total: 1)

Comment [9]

Hail and well met, all, and welcome back. No point wasting time, so let’s get to the recap and on to the chapter.

Last time in City of Glass, Simon got a whole lot of info dumped on him while also constantly being referred to by terms other than his name. I guess it all had to be done somewhere, and it wasn’t like Simon was actually doing anything, so I guess that’s just making lemonade from lemons.

Meanwhile, after going off on Jace for keeping Simon’s presence a secret, Clary convinced Jace to come with her to the old Wayland manor where he grew up, which is – for some inexplicable reason – still unoccupied. There, they not only easily found the book of magic that Clary’s mom had conveniently hidden there many years ago and which Valentine – despite living there for probably the better part of a decade – had never found, they managed to “conveniently” trigger the secret door leading down to Valentine’s secret basement.

I swear, this is the kind of writing you’d expect from a bad episode of Scooby-Doo.

Anyway, Chapter 9 is called “This Guilty Blood.” I can practically taste the angst.

We pick up right where we left off. I’ll be fair and admit that the ending of the last chapter was a decent cliffhanger. However, I’m going to ding it because it’s literally right after the end of the last chapter.

A Word From Our Sponsors: 1

(Side-note: I am a man, and I love this commercial and it’s message. If you have a problem with that, feel free to leave. I’m not above locking the comments on this post if it gets ugly.)

And as if that’s not bad enough, we open with this brilliant observation from Jace:

“I didn’t even remember there even BEING a cellar here,”

No Shit Sherlock: 1

Gee, I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t be aware of the very obviously hidden secret basement, Jace. Real head-scratcher, that.

Jace shines his magic flashlight down there, giving us a decent description of the secret passage. The two briefly wonder what might be down there before Jace decides that going down into the secret basement of the Big Bad’s house, without so much as contacting any of his friends, let alone getting some backup, is a good idea.

Un-Logic: 1

That’s for sheer idiocy. Yes, I know, “the plot says so,” but could we at least pretend that we have an excuse for this?

Clary hesitates for a moment before deciding to go with Jace, because she’s a big ol’ scaredy cat.

We’re informed that the stairs spiral down, “as if they were making their way through the inside of a huge conch shell.”

You Keep Using That Word: 1

Because I guess “spiral” wasn’t descriptive enough, or something. Aside from that, though, the description is fine. There’s also a smell I neglected to mention – described as “dank, musty, with a weird metallic tinge” – that gets stronger the deeper they go.

Eventually, they reach the bottom, with pentagrams, runes, bones, and what are probably old bloodstains on the walls.

Now, again, to be fair, this isn’t terrible writing. However, I will point out that our two supposed heroes have a very muted reaction to this. Seriously, as dark as the Harry Potter books got (and they did get dark at times), if Harry, Ron, and Hermione had stumbled onto something like this, they probably would have lost their shit, and rightly so.

Clary asks about the bones, and Jace concludes that they’re the remains of experiments, then mentions that the Seelie Queen maybe said something about this in the last book (I have no desire to confirm this, so sure). Clary asks if the bones are from animals, and Jace says that they aren’t, or at least not all of them.

It’s at this point that Clary decides to say they should go back. But Jace is having none of it, instead deciding to look in the corner where something is concealed under a cloth, even pulling one of his not-lightsabers out of… somewhere. I’m not kidding about that, either – even the narration acknowledges that Clary has no idea where he pulled it from.

Jace yanks aside the cloth, and after much fluff from the narration, we find out what’s under there – a no-shit, real, in-the-flesh angel. It’s chained to the floor and looks like he’s been starved almost to death, but it – or rather, he – is an angel.

Now, under normal circumstances, this would be a big deal. But given how CC tends to drop hints like a destroyer dropping depth-charges, it was pretty obvious that Valentine had managed to get his hands on angel blood or something, which kinda takes a lot of the punch out of this “revelation.”

Also, Clary somehow confused its wings for a white rag. Don’t ask me how anyone who’s seen so much as a picture of a bird’s wings could possibly confuse them for a rag, but there we are.

Jace and Clary are amazed, because the audience sure isn’t. Clary even brings up that no one in this supernatural society believes angels exist. I mean, yeah, there’s a major power group that literally claims to be descended from people infused with angelic power, names their principle weapons after angels, and even swear by one angel in particular, but you know, it’s not like they actually believe angels exist or anything. That’d be silly.

Un-Logic: 2

Meanwhile, Jace is freaking out, and tries to touch the angel, only to be stopped by some invisible barrier. It’s at this point that they notice the magic circle the angel is lying in. I’ll let it slide, because angel, but the fact that the runes and whatnot are glowing makes it a borderline case.

Jace makes a comment about wanting to help, and it’s at this point that the angel seems to notice them. It’s pointed out that it’s hair is just like Jace’s, because of course it is

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

but apart from that, it looks like shit, though it very clearly used to look good. It starts making a noise. Sadly, it is not the tinnitus-like sound angels in Supernatural make that causes stuff to explode and people to bleed from the ears.

No, this does something much worse – sends us into a flashback. Or rather, a series of flashbacks. They consist of the following:

Valentine summoning the angel
Valentine and Jocelyn talking about the Accords, which Valentine obviously doesn’t like.
Valentine speaking to some demon woman whom he calls “Lady of Edom” (no ding because it might actually be her name) and getting demon blood from her. She also drops some names that are probably references to Hebrew folklore, but nothing else. But remember, “all myths are true.”

Shoddy World Building: 1

Also, the demon woman’s eyes are black. Gee, wonder if that’s somehow significant?
Jocelyn meeting with Ragnor Fell, and telling him about Valentine feeding demon blood to baby Jonathan, and how it’s just so horrible.
Valentine getting mad and stabbing the angel.
Jocelyn hiding the magic book they literally just found.
Valentine interrogating the angel (whose name is revealed to be Ithuriel, but who I will continue to refer to as the angel), and actually raising an interesting point about Shadowhunters not having any special powers – namely, that it’s not very fair, given what they were made to fight.

And before it all ends, we get two final reveals: first, that all of Clary’s weird dreams were sent by the angel. Guess that kinda explains things, if one assumes angels have foreshadowing powers. And second, Clary gets shown a fancy new rune, which will absolutely turn out to do something super important and be critical to their success, because when has this series ever made her work for anything?

I’ll give CC this much – as methods of providing a lot of exposition in a short period of time, while also maintaining some degree of secrecy, it works.

And now we’re back with Clary and Jace. They want to do something to help the angel, but are sad that they can’t. Jace activates his not-lightsaber again, because his default response to just about every situation is violence. Only the almighty hand of the author comes down and slaps him, and he points out that, oh yeah, there’s a circle of runes on the ground.

Clary draws over them a bit with her not-wand, and poof, the angel is free. Because again, why should she have to put forth actual effort.

And, now that he’s served his purpose, the angel grabs Jace’s not-lightsaber and kills himself. Burns up, too, so there’s no need to worry about cleanup afterwards.

And apparently the angels was a ꞌꞌload-bearing bossꞌꞌ:https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/LoadBearingBoss, because then the whole building starts to shake. Clary even points this out in what I assume is an attempt at lampshading by CC.

They run up the stairs and I’m sure it’s all supposed to be super-tense, but we haven’t even hit the halfway point, so there’s no way that either of the two principal characters are getting killed off now. Shit’s falling over, so of course Jace picks Clary up Superman-style and jumps out the window.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Clary lands and is disoriented for a second, but Jace does a cool roll-crouch thing, because of course he doesn.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

Jace shoves Clary into what sounds like low spot on the ground, rather than helping her up and running away from the collapsing house. Because why would someone try to run away from a collapsing building?

Reminder, CC lived in New York for at least a little while, and this book was published in 2009. Because it’s not like there were any events in that city in recent memory involving buildings collapsing.

The two idiots we’re stuck with as protagonists then cower there for a bit, ending the scene.

And the next one picks up about, oh, a minute or so later, once all the noise has stopped.

A Word From Our Sponsors: 2

Clary tells Jace that she dropped his not-wand somewhere. I can’t bring myself to care.

(Side-note: apparently she borrowed his, rather than using her mom’s. Or something. Honestly, I don’t care enough to really check.)

Jace sort-of gets up just to confirm that all he cares about is Clary being safe. He’s still basically laying on top of her, though.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4

And buckle-up, because there’s a lot more of those incoming.

Clary runs her hands through Jace’s hair, because there’s grass in it. Because that’s what’s important right now. Also, yeah, right.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 5

Then they start talking about how Jace is totally part demon. And personally, I can’t help but think this was intended in part to help build up Jace’s “bad boy” cred.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 6

The focus of the conversation is on how it somehow explains everything that’s wrong with Jace. Oh, not any of the actual stuff that’s wrong, no, no – just that he wants to bone his sister.

Our “Heroes”: 1

Both Hands, Ma’am: 7

Clary is confused by this, because she’s stupid. She brings up Jace making-out with Aline, and his excuse is that, well, demons lie. Boy, is he going to have egg on his face later.

Then they start making out. I just saved you guys several paragraphs of build-up. And maybe in any other book, in any other situation, this would be pretty good.

Unfortunately, this scene is between two people who are absolutely certain that they’re siblings. And they’re Clary and Jace.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 8

Our “Heroes”: 2

The second one was because they’re deciding to do this now, completely ignoring that whole “fate of the world” thing that’s going on.

Thankfully, they stop before getting into NSFW territory – gotta keep it below an R for the kids! – for some more talking. Joy.

And the conversation quickly becomes about how awesome Clary is, with Clary trying to argue that she’s really not that great. Great.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 9

Reasons for why Clary isn’t so great? She does little bad things like illegally download music of the internet (wow, that really dates this book) and lies to her mom. She also mentions not returning library books, and as a librarian, I think I can say that that actually is evil.

But Jace don’t care, so Clary actually forcefully turns him down. Of course, she also says that he’s just using her as an excuse to hate himself, which is probably intended to feed into the “fix him” narrative.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 10

Thankfully, though, we’ve avoided the boning. So Jace points out that, because they don’t have a not-wand anymore, they’re going to have to hoof it.

You Keep Using That Word: 2 (“Portal”)

End scene.

Thankfully, the scene break skips over most of the walk back. It gets dark, especially because there’s not much light pollution, and cold. Also, Jace hasn’t said a word since they started walking, because his feelings are hurt or whatever.

I don’t care.

Finally, they see the lights of the city over a hill or something. Jace somehow knows that something is wrong. Not sure what’s wrong, or how he knows, so I’m just going with ‘authorial fiat.’

They finally round a corner and see the city. And it’s on fire. End chapter, and part.

Now I’ll admit, that is a powerful image to end on. The only way CC could possibly screw it up is by not showing how these events came about.

But she wouldn’t do that, right?

Right?

See you guys next time.

Counts

Both Hands, Ma’am: 10 (Total: 41)
Entirely Pointless: 0 (Total: 8)
Our “Heroes”: 2 (Total: 52)
Plot Hole: 0 (Total: 8)
Rapier Twit: 0 (Total: 2)
You Keep Using That Word: 1(Total: 95)
Shoddy World Building: 1 (Total: 19)
No Shit Sherlock: 1( Total: 2)
A Word From Our Sponsors: 2 (Total: 7) (apologies for missing this one for so long)

Comment [6]

Hey, folks. I know it’s been a while since the last sporking, but I have some fun news.

So, the end of March was a deadline for an anthology I learned about on Kickstarter. In February, I finished writing up a story to submit, and sent that off for some beta reading. After that, I made a few tweaks, and sent it off to the people putting the anthology together.

And – here’s the exciting part – my story got on the short list. The next round of story picks is at the end of April, so even if my story doesn’t make it, it could do well in other markets.

So, that’s what’s been going on with me. Now, on to the sporking.

Since it’s been a while, let’s do a quick recap:

Everyone’s now in Shadowhunter Land, aka Idris, and most of the action has been in literally the only city in this micronation.
Simon got dragged along because wrong place, wrong time, and has spent most of his visit in a cell, chatting with his neighbor. Also, at least one of the Shadowhunter higher-ups wants him to flip on the Lightwoods, and is starving Simon until he cooperates. Luckily for him (if you can call it that), the others know about his predicament, and are smuggling him blood so he doesn’t break.
Clary and Luke followed along via bullshit Mary Sue powers, and Clary’s been crashing at Luke’s sister’s place. After finding the others, she went off with their new friend Sebastian to track down a guy who supposedly knows how to get her mom out of that coma. Unfortunately, the guy got ganked by some demons; fortunately, Magnus got there before them and was willing to help Clary in exchange for the book that contains the cure. Luckily for Clary, the location of said book was provided, because there’s no way she’d find it on her own. (Also, she and Sebastian briefly made-out, because we need a new love-triangle, but it’s pretty much DOA.)
Clary browbeat Jace into helping her retrieve the book from his dad’s old place. They got in without any difficulty, found the book, and literally stumbled into a massive exposition-dump from an angel who just happened to be chained up in the basement. After the angel seppuku-d itself, the house collapsed, but of course the protagonists easily escaped. Clary and Jace briefly decided “fuck it, let’s make out,” before more forced-drama intruded.
The last chapter ended with them hoofing it back to town, only to find that the city’s anti-demon defenses are down, and the city appears to be on fire.

You know, once you extract the teen drama, this plot is pretty straight-forward.

Anyway, on to part two.

Part two’s name is “Stars Shine Darkly.” As per standard practice with CC, she’s provided the source of said name – a passage from Twelfth Night.

Antonio: “Will you stay no longer? Nor will you not that I go with you?”
Sebastian: “By your patience, no. My stars shine darkly over me; the malignancy of my fate might, perhaps, distemper yours; therefore I shall crave of you your leave that I may bear my evils alone. It were a bad recompense for your love to lay any of them on you.”

Now, I’m not familiar with Twelfth Night, so I can’t really speak as to whether this is fitting, or if it’s yet another example of CC trying to show off her literary chops.

However, I’m only just now noticing the use of the name “Sebastian,” which is making me twitch.

Moving on.

The name of this chapter is Fire and Sword. And on looking that up, that phrase is used surprisingly often as titles. Wikipedia brings up two novels with that or similar titles – the 1884 Polish historical novel, With Fire and Sword, and a 2009 English historical novel, Fire and Sword.)

That’s mostly just fun trivia. This chapter has jack-all to do with either work, as near as I can tell.

On to the chapter itself.

For starters, we’re in Isabelle’s POV. So, if nothing else, this should be an interesting experience.

She, Alec, and Aline are at the Penhallow’s place, concerned that Jace is out. So, we’ve also gone back a bit, meaning we might actually get to see what happened to the city.

Alec isn’t too concerned, because apparently Jace is prone to wandering around when he gets upset. Isabelle points out that they aren’t in New York, so he might get lost, but Aline argues that he probably knows the city better than either of them. And I have to wonder why she’d think this – yes, Jace grew up in Shadowhunter land, but how much time did he actually spend in the city? I don’t know, and I doubt she does, either.

Un-Logic: 1

Wow. Been a while since I dropped one of those.

This is then followed up by a very weird bit of text. First, Isabelle compares herself very negatively to Alaine:

There were a lot of things [Isabelle] once would have envied Aline for – being small and delicately pretty, for one thing, not Amazonian and so tall in heels she towered over almost every boy she met.

See, this feels very much at odds with Isabelle’s behavior up until this book. At no point has she ever appeared to feel remotely awkward around guys – if anything, she’s the one who seems more willing to initiate. And I get that people are almost always their own worst critics, but has there ever been a point where Isabelle was described as being especially tall? And since when do guys not go for tall girls?

But then we hit this:

But then again, it was only recently that Isabelle had realized other girls weren’t just for envying, avoiding, or disliking.

Wow, CC. The hell is that about? I know we haven’t really gotten a chance to see Isabelle interacting with any female characters other than Clary, her mom, and maybe the Inquisitor, but really?

I mean, how am I supposed to deal with that?

Our “Heroes”: 1

Anyway, the ruby pendant around Isabelle’s neck suddenly pulses.

You remember that ruby pendant, right? The one that she was wearing back in chapter 1 of City of Bones? And that hasn’t been seen since? Almost as if CC completely forgot about it?

Well, now we get to learn what it’s deal it – it pulses when demons are nearby. Kinda like Sting with orcs, but less cool.

Despite knowing this, Isabelle decides to continue worrying about Jace, ignoring the very obvious warning that Something Is Wrong.

The three – sorry, four, because apparently Sebastian is here, too – talk some more about Jace and Clary. Because they literally have no lives outside those two. Sub-topics include where Clary is staying in town and why Clary got all huffy about Aline playing tonsil hockey with Jace while dancing around the fact that Clary and Jace very clearly want to bang.

Also, Isabelle is getting annoyed by Sebastian’s personality, because CC really sucks at foreshadowing. And apparently she also has really terrible taste in men:

[Isabelle] didn’t like boys who looked as if they never got mad about anything. In Isabelle’s world, rage equaled passion equaled a good time.

I’m really glad that Isabelle isn’t a real person, because I’m now 97.4% certain that if she were, she’d end up being found dead in a dumpster after having a “good time” with the wrong guy.

CC tries to cash-in some geek-cred by name-dropping the mang Max brought, and which Sebastian is reading. It’s Angel Sanctuary, by the way, which either indicates that CC knows her audience very well, or she did a Google search for “manga” + “angel” and went with the first option that included actual angels.

There’s very deliberate mention of a scar on Sebastian’s hand, in a “This Will Be Important” way, and then Max shows up and demands his comic back. Max also does not like Sebastian.

Sebastian goes off to fix some coffee, and Isabelle tries to give Max a talking-to about his behavior, and how he should really be in bed. Max mentions that some noise from up the hill woke him up, which makes me wonder just how deaf everyone else in the room must be. Also, Max apparently suffers from the kind of nearsightedness only found in comic books and cartoons.

Then Max asks if anyone ever climbs up the anti-demon towers, because he thought he saw someone doing that. He is promptly brushed off though, because again, CC is about as subtle as a brick through a window.

Speaking of which, it’s around this point that the plot comes crashing in through the window in the form of a big, scaly claw covered in blood, grabbing Aline and dragging her out. I guess we’ve established her purpose in this book – as the designated girly-girl, she is also the designated Damsel in Distress.

At least Isabelle doesn’t just stand there gawping. She grabs her whip – which I still think is a really stupid weapon to use – tells Sebastian to get weapons, and jumps out the window.

The streetlights are out, so Isabelle is a bit careful. Unfortunately, she’s unable to avoid the terrible world-building, because judging by the names of the nearby landmarks, they very blatantly don’t belong in a country between France and Germany, since they’re the “Oldcastle Bridge,” over the “Princewater canal.”

Shoddy World-building: 2

I know this count is stupid and nit-picky, but damnit, CC, if you wanted your magical angel-people to be from continental Europe, the least you could do is take a few minutes to find some linguistically appropriate names.

Isabelle manages to track down the demon, which is down by the canal, and is doing… something to Aline, certainly not killing her or eating her, because she’s still alive. And her blouse has been ripped open.

The demon wasn’t trying to kill Aline – not yet.

Remember, folks – this book is intended for a YA audience.

I’m going to move on because this book suddenly took a very dark and unnecessary turn.

For some stupid reason, Isabelle still doubts that this thing is actually a demon. Because demons can’t enter the city. Hey, denial isn’t just a river in Egypt, Isabelle.

Thankfully, this doesn’t last long. The demon turns to face Isabelle, and she goes all Bellmont on. Unsurprisingly, the demon is a coward, and it quickly tries to run. Straight into Aline. Who kills it with a knife.

Good for her.

But this doesn’t make up for all of… that [waves at preceding paragraphs], CC. You didn’t need to include that. You chose to include that.

And not surprisingly, Aline freaks out and runs off. Isabelle chases after her, up to Princewater Street.

Shoddy World-building: 3

Yes, I gave it another one. Wanna fight about it?

Up on street-level, things have gotten worse. More demons have shown up, and there’s bodies everywhere. And then we get this weird thought from Isabelle:

_All the adults were in the Guard. Down in the city were only children, the old, and the sick…

So, apparently “the old” and “the sick” don’t qualify as “adults” in Shadowhunter society. Or something.

But apparently Isabelle’s used up her ability to be an active protagonist, because instead of helping when she sees these demons attacking people, she just stands there. Then she looks up and sees that the magical anti-demon towers are no longer working.

End scene.

And while that’s a powerful image, I can’t quite ignore the fact that Isabelle literally went from badass warrior to completely helpless in a few paragraphs. I really don’t think CC gets how to do female protagonists as anything other than walking lamps.

Next scene, and we’re with Simon. So far, this chapter’s done very well in keeping me somewhat happy in regards to POV.

So, Simon’s neighbor has gone quiet, but Simon is still awake. Then there’s some screaming. But Simon isn’t sure if he actually heard it, or if he just imagined it. So he goes to check.

I honestly don’t know how much Simon expects to be able to see. I’ve kind of been under the impression that his window is more or less level with the ground. So, maybe he’ll see some feet running around?

But even from this poor vantage point, Simon notices that something’s off, so he tries to wake up Samuel, presumably to get an explanation. Luckily for Simon, he doesn’t need to bother – a couple of guards run past and helpfully exposit that the anti-demon wards are down, so at least a few of them are going to protect their families.

Simon tries to wake Samuel again, but he’s already up. Sam explains the fairly obvious – Valentine is attacking. He also commends Valentine for his timing, but really, it doesn’t require being a tactical genius to figure out that “attack while all the defenders are concentrated in one space” is a good strategy. I mean, the vikings pulled that off with Lindisfarne, and that was over a thousand years ago.

Simon then asks why some folks are abandoning the fortress. This is a stupid question, especially given that he literally just heard why some of the Shadowhunters are leaving – their families are down in the city.

Seriously, this is beyond thinking your audience is stupid, CC. This is thinking, “I literally have to spell out everything in excruciating detail.” Which does not speak well of how CC perceives her audience.

Prompted by this, Simon’s thoughts go from the Lightwoods, then to Jace, and then to Isabelle. Now, thinking about the Lightwoods in general, and even Isabelle specifically I’m fine with. But Jace? Why would Simon be just as or more worried about Jace? No, I will not buy, “he was nice to me very recently” as an argument.

So then we get one final question from Simon: since Samuel certainly warned the higher-ups about this, why weren’t they prepared? Why didn’t they expect this?

Answer: because the Shadowhunters are stupid, stubborn, and kinda racist.

Okay, here’s Samuel’s actual answer:

“Because the wards are their religion. Not to believe in the power of the wards is not to believe that they are special, chosen, and protected by the Angel. They might as well believe they’re just ordinary mundanes.”

I still think my answer is better.

Two quick counts, then we move on:

You Keep Using That Word: 1 (for “Angel”)

and

Our “Heroes”: 2

for the Shadowhunters as a whole. It doesn’t matter if it’s criticism, because it’s true.

Simon goes back to his window, and notices there’s smoke coming from the city. Samuel corrects him, saying that it’s probably the fortress that’s on fire. Simon points out that the guards or whoever left them in their cells. To which Samuel basically responds, “yeah, and?”

End scene.

Gotta say, that wasn’t terrible. Not great, but I’ve gotten through worse.

Back to Isabelle. Apparently there’s either been a time skip, or Isabelle went into shock, because Alec is shouting to get her attention. She might also be on the ground, but that’s unclear. Also, Alec has his bow.

Alec says they need to get inside, and asks where Aline is. And apparently there has been a bit of a time skip, because now all the demons are gone. Isabelle explains what happened to Aline, and then moves on to wondering how demons got into the city.

Alec mentions that there were a few “Oni demons” in the area, but he chased them off, but they still should get moving.

Shoddy World-building: 4

“Oni demons”? Really, CC? Isn’t that just a tad redundant?

They get back to the Penhallow’s place, and Isabelle sees some woman sobbing on the front steps of the neighbors’ house. Then a tentacle comes out from between the houses and grabs said woman. Isabelle starts to go rescue her, only for Alec to stop her.

Our “Heroes”: 3

I get that there’s a lot of bad, crazy shit going down, so we can’t save everyone, but that doesn’t mean ignoring someone in danger when they’re right in front of you.

Inside, the lights are out, and Sebastian’s nailing logs from the fireplace over the hole in the window. I’m fairly certain that CC has never performed or seen construction done, because I honestly don’t think that would work well. Better to just pile up furniture instead. Max is on the floor, being remarkably calm for a terrified child.

Sebastian asks about Aline, and Isabelle blames herself for Aline running off. Alec tells her not to, and takes charge, giving out assignments – Isabelle will take care of Max, Sebastian will secure the house, and he’ll go find Aline. Isabelle insists on going with him, but Alec shoots her down with a mix of sound reasoning and “I’m the oldest, so I’m in charge.” I’m not gonna complain, because at least this is being proactive.

Sebastian pulls out his not-wand and says he’ll put up wards around the house.

You Keep Using That Word: 2 (“Stele” and “Mark”)

Alec leaves, and Max points out that Isabelle’s wrist is bleeding. So Isabelle goes upstairs to get her not-wand, then help out setting up the wards.

You Keep Using That Word: 3 (“Stele”)

As she goes upstairs, Isabelle notices how tired she is. And apparently there’s also an “energy Mark.”

You Keep Using That Word: 4

Shoddy World-building: 5

CC, you can’t just decide that there’s a magic rune for everything. We’ve established in this chapter that Shadowhunters drink coffee. Just say she needs some coffee.

Isabelle goes through her stuff, finding her not-wand and a few extra not-lightsabers as well.

You Keep Using That Word: 6 (“Stele”)

She also spends a minute or two thinking about how this isn’t the first time she’s had to watch Alec run off to risk his life. And we actually get some interesting character stuff – Isabelle is a bit jealous of Clary, Simon, and by implication most non-Shadowhunters, because they don’t have to deal with the very real possibility of their loved ones dying on a regular basis.

Now if only we got something similar from any other Shadowhunters.

Isabelle heads back downstairs, and notices something’s off, because Sebastian and Max have disappeared. It must have been pretty sudden, because Sebastian only got half-way through what he was doing.

You Keep Using That Word: 7 (“Mark”)

Isabelle calls out for Sebastian, and he answers from the kitchen. She heads into the kitchen, failing to notice how dark it is. Sebastian is very apologetic, then hits Isabelle with a hammer.

End scene.

Yeah, can’t say I’m surprised that Sebastian is evil. I just wish it was more of a revelation to some of the characters.

Next scene is with Alec. He’s running around, searching for Aline. It’s mentioned that he’s leaving the “Princewater district” and entering the city center.

Shoddy World-building: 6

The scene around him is compared to a Bosch painting. While I get the analogy, and it’s certainly a good one, I’m not sure Alec would be making it. He’s not the “art” person, after all.

Anyway, there’s lots of people running and screaming, much property damage, you get the gist. Also, people in this city are amazingly callous, shoving Alec out of their way to run past him. But then, Alec isn’t really doing much better.

And I want to take this chance to do a quick sidebar. Part of me can’t help but wonder if all this sudden violence and gore isn’t CC’s attempt to show how “mature” her writing can be. Except that she seems to have fallen into the same trap that a lot of comic writers in the 90s fell into – thinking that violence and gore somehow made a work “mature.” It doesn’t. The later Harry Potter books were very mature, but that’s because they were dealing with very mature topics, like death, changing relationships, and realizing that people you looked up to as a child are flawed.

This, on the other hand, isn’t that. This is just juvenile gore and violence. It’s “mature” in the same way the original Mortal Kombat game was.

Back to sporking.

We get a nice character bit with Alec – as the only Lightwood kid with any memories of the city – recalling what it was like, and the effect seeing it like this is having on him.

See, that’s mature writing.

Alec turns a corner and sees some demons running off, leaving a body behind. Alec checks the body, finds it’s no one he knows, but still shudders. In all, another decent character moment.

Then Alec hears something and decides to exercise the better part of valour, jumps through a nearby window, and climbs to the house’s roof. Once there, he looks out on the city, treating us to a description of the chaos. And again, it’s fine. CC is a very visual writer, and is pretty good at describing vistas.

From his vantage point, Alec can see Shadowhunters coming down from the Guard to face the demon horde. About damn time, too.

Alec decides to take advantage of how close the roofs are and uses them to move, rather than going back to street level. He somehow unintentionally makes his way towards the Accords Hall (how do you do that? Isn’t that one of the city’s major landmarks?) and notices magic sparks that he recognizes.

Keeps going, eventually reaching “Cistern Square.”

Shoddy World-building: 7

Does CC even know what a cistern is?

There, to the surprise of everyone except the reader, Alec finds Magnus, busily fighting off some demons. Alec drops down, doing a decent Ezio impersonation, and joins the fight. With his not-lightsaber. Because even though we’ve established that his weapon of choice is a bow, and he had his bow earlier, he’s never going to use it. Because bow’s aren’t heroic or something.

Also, the narration takes the time to go, “oh, if Jace were here, he’d say something super witty,” not once, but twice.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Rapier Twit:2

That second one is on principle.

With the demons gone, Magnus and Alec start talking. Namely, about why Magnus hasn’t called Alec back.

Yes. The city is burning and demons are rampaging through the streets, and these two are talking about their relationship. Even Magnus notes how absurd this is.

This would be funny, except that the tone is so totally at odds with the rest of the chapter that it’s giving me whiplash.

We also get the “revelation” that Magnus is in love with Alec, because of all the times he’s helped out the idiots that are the protagonists of this series without charging them for the service.

CC, this is a really, really sloppy attempt to cover up just how much your characters have been taking advantage of Magnus, and I do not approve.

These two schmucks continue to discuss their relationship status right up until another approaching group of demons shows up.

Thankfully, that ends the scene, and the chapter.

Well, if nothing else, I didn’t have to deal with either Clary or Jace, so yay for small victories?

Counts

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2 (Total: 43)
Entirely Pointless: 0 (Total: 8)
Our “Heroes”: 3 (Total: 55)
Plot Hole: 0 (Total: 8)
Rapier Twit: 2 (Total: 4)
You Keep Using That Word: 7 (Total: 102)
Shoddy World Building: 7 (Total: 26)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 ( Total: 2)
A Word From Our Sponsors: 0 (Total: 7)

Comment [10]

Hey, everybody. I know it’s been a little while, but I have some good news on the professional author front. After having to wait over a month for any further response re: that anthology, I finally got a response. While the folks in charge weren’t entirely happy with my original submission, they did provide some feedback, and said that they’d take another look if I got a revised version back by May 25th.

I managed to get my revisions back with a few days to spare, and then left it alone. Then, on the 25th, I got a response. Short version – they’re including my story in the anthology.

So, that’s what I’ve been up to.

Now, on to this mess.

Last time, we flashed back to shortly before everything went to shit in Shadowhunter City. The city’s defenses were shut down, and demons were running rampant through the streets. One of them grabbed Aline, so Isabelle ran off to rescued her, but not before some bad stuff happened off-screen to the new Designated Bad Girl. And before the poor girl could get rescued, Alec showed up and took Isabelle back to the house. After taking charge for all of a minute to give them some instructions, Alec then left, because apparently being a legal adult means he’s allowed to go running through the streets killing stuff.

Which he proceeded to do. The running through the streets stuff, at least. He did some Assassin’s Creed style rooftop hopping, mostly to watch the demons go hog-wild, until finally deciding to investigate a fight or something, where he found non other than his semi-boyfriend Magnus doing what he should have been doing the whole time – namely, fighting the damn demons.

This interesting action scene was, unsurprisingly, ruined by these two having to hash out their relationship nonsense during the far-too-long break.

Meanwhile, Isabelle, Sebastian, and Max were stuck at the house. Isabelle left the boys alone for all of two minutes, and when she came back downstairs, we got confirmation of what most people had likely figured out by this point – Sebastian is a bad guy.

Dun dun dunnn.

Chapter 11’s title is “All the Host of Hell.” On the one hand, it is evocative, and is certainly a good descriptor for what’s attacking the city, but on the other, I can’t help but want to correct it to “hosts.” I don’t know, I guess that just sounds better to me.

And we’re back with Clary. I knew it was too good to last.

They’re exactly where we left them – standing on a hill, looking down at the city. Jace immediately declares that Valentine’s behind whatever’s going on – which, as far as they know, is that some parts of the city are on fire. There is a decent description of what the city looks like, by the way.

Clary, though, is less than sure, and argues it could just be a fire. Which is a fair point – I kinda doubt anything in Shadowhunter City is really up-to-code. They probably still use asbestos and whatnot.

Jace’s argument consists of two points: first, the North Gate is open, and apparently it’s never left open. It’s at this point I’d like to remind everyone that, while the city might have gates, it does not, apparently, have any walls, making the existence of gates a bit moot.

Jace’s second point is that the anti-demon wards are down. Personally, I would have lead with that. Probably wouldn’t have mentioned that bit with the North Gate, either. Why was that even there?

Entirely Pointless: 1

Clary is momentarily concerned about Simon’s safety, but Jace assures her that he was probably evacuated, and is likely safer than most people in the city – an odd argument, considering he knows quite well how they’ve been treating him. But also, demons tend to ignore Downworlders anyway.

Again, I probably would have lead with that second point.

Clary then shows concern for the Lightwoods, which is also fair. But then, the narration focuses on Jace, who’s gearing up to head in, and gushes a bit about his ability to basically shut off his emotions.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

That’s… not healthy. I understand that it might be necessary for a “soldier” (the actual term used to describe Jace in this moment), but I feel like that’s also a bit of a problem with actual soldiers trying to return to normal life.

They get into a bit of an argument – Jace wants Clary to stay, Clary wants to go with him – when a pack of werewolves show up. I swear, werewolves are in these books what the eagles are in Lord of the Rings. Except that the eagles have at least some degree of agency – werewolves are just here to help out the heroes whenever they need it.

There’s an attempt at making it seem like the werewolves might be coming for them, but given how they’ve yet to demonstrate any undeserved hostility towards Shadowhunters in this series, I can’t believe that any but the most gullible of readers bought that for a second.

So the werewolves run past, and Clary is all confused because she’s a moron. This was also apparently enough to convince Jace to let Clary come along, because he hands her an extra not-lightsaber, and they go chasing off after the actual cavalry.

End scene.

We pick up with Jace and Clary approaching the city, so the break was mostly to cover travel time. Which is technically an improvement over previous books, so I guess I have to let it slide.

However, the narration also gushes a bit over just how super-fast Jace is, because apparently that’s his super-power, so we have to keep bringing it up or something.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Yes, we get it. He’s fast.

Jace either plays at being a gentleman, or is demonstrates about as much tactical thinking as a semi-experienced D&D player, because he waits for Clary to catch up before heading in to the city. Clary brings up the lack of guards manning the gate, so of course Jace mentions that one of them is in a nearby stand of trees. In pieces.

Again, this just feels needlessly dark.

Moving on, Jace gives Clary a quick lesson in how to use a not-lightsaber. She receives even less training than we saw Luke Skywalker get in Star Wars. So, don’t be surprised when she’s later shown to be wielding it like a master.

Also, she has to name it for… reasons. And honestly, at this point, I just have to ask – what’s the point of that little gimmick? Why do these things need names? Why can’t they just have an on-switch, or a universal activation word? Did CC buy an encyclopedia of angels and want to write it off as a business expense? What?

Oh, and Jace talks about how Clary really needs more training, and how she’s already demonstrated surprising skill with this stuff, and blah, blah, it’s all just trying to cover for the fact that we’re trying to excuse the fact that by all rights Clary should be utterly useless with the thing, but won’t.

Oh, and just to top it off, we get this line from Clary:

“Or maybe you were just worried that if you did train me properly, I’d turn out to be better than you.”

So, are we just going to acknowledge that Clary is a Mary Sue, then? Lampshading doesn’t excuse bad writing, CC.

And then, for some inexplicable reason (I mean, even the narration notes how out-of-left-field it is), Clary flashes back to them making out earlier.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

Would you please stop doing that and just get on with the plot?

Okay, they finally get inside the city. There’s some description of the two moving through the city, and what they see. For some reason, Clary pontificates on being able to tell the difference between an unconscious person and a dead body at a glance. Well, dead people generally don’t breathe, for a start.

Eventually, Clary catches sight of the Guard, which is in pretty bad shape. Then there’s more general gruesome walking-through-a-war-zone stuff, until they finally run into a demon to liven things up a bit. In this case, it’s a “Behemoth demon,” but unlike the Biblical creature, it’s a big slug with teeth that eats everything.

Oh, but it’s also slow, so of course, ”Jace shouldn’t have much trouble killing it.”

Yes, because in a fight between a Fragile Speedster and a Mighty Glacier, the Speedster always wins.

Also, I’m reminded of the Marv (Glacier) vs. Kevin (Speedster) fight from Sin City. It, ah, didn’t end well for Kevin.

Oh, and then the blob can apparently teleport. Because reasons.

At this, Clary figures, hey, let’s just make a break for it, only for the blob-monster to block their way again. So, of course, Jace has to fighting (goddamn railroading). Unfortunately, Jace ascribes to the Leeroy Jenkins school of tactics, and runs right at the damn thing.

Luckily (for me, anyway) this actually works exactly as well as one would expect, i.e. not very well. Or, at least it’s not the super-perfect always-wins strategy that Jace probably expected. But, then Clary jumps in, and figures that they might be able to whittle the blob-monster down, given time.

But, of course, that would make this thing an actual challenge, and we can’t have that. So a random werewolf spawns in and one-shots the blob.

My comparison to the LOTR Eagles is feeling even more appropriate.

Despite the werewolf pretty obviously being on their side, Jace is still super racist and doesn’t trust it.

Our “Heroes”: 1

So the wolf transforms back to human form, and it’s Maia. Because why introduce a new character, when we can just bring in an old one instead?

Though I will give Maia this much – at least she calls Clary out for not recognizing her. Though I’m not entirely sure if the “do we all look alike to you?” comment is supposed to be taken as a joke or not.

Now, you might be wondering why I didn’t ding Maia’s sudden presence as being a problem, like lazy world-building. That’s because, to CC’s credit, she actually addresses this point.

Apparently, Luke got the word out through the local werewolf pack – which I guess he’s still apparently in charge of, despite leaving them over a decade before, and also taking charge of the New York pack – who then spread the word to other werewolf packs – because I guess they’re all on the same web forum or something. So the New York pack hopped a flight to the Franco-German border, and then ran all the way to Shadowhunter City.

Now, none of that is exactly unbelievable. But, when you start breaking it down, it starts to fall apart.

Let’s start with the plane ride. Now, first off, that’s at least a 7 hour flight from New York to, let’s say Paris, even though Paris is nowhere near the border. And it’s being done more or less at the drop of a hat. So, a quick visit to Delta’s website shows me that even the cheap tickets are somewhere in the range of US$3,000. And that’s for one person.

Now, admittedly this book is somewhere around a decade old, but last I checked, the New York pack was squatting in an old Chinese restaurant. Somehow I doubt they make enough cash doing the odd delivery to cover that kind of an expense.

And of course, all of this is ignoring the very real possibility that the werewolf community wouldn’t respond to Luke’s call for help by simply telling him to pound sand. I mean, it’s not like the Shadowhunters have really gone out of their way to ingratiate themselves to the werewolves.

But the werewolves in these books have never really had any kind of agency. So, of course, they’re here.

Moving on, Jace makes an off-hand remark about the Clave being racist, so Maia starts ranting at him (I swear, I can almost hear comments about her having “fiery Latin blood”), but Clary steps in and acts like the adult.

Turns out everyone is meeting up at the Accords Hall, so they all head off.

End scene.

Again, our protagonists travel via scene break. I’m seriously wondering if someone actually pointed out to CC that she didn’t have to show every step of her characters take, and that readers can fill in some blanks.

Anyway, Clary recognizes the interior of the Hall of Accords from that dream she had way back in City of Bones. Because of course her Dream of Foreshadow-y Symbolism ™ had to be set in a real place. Because reasons.

We get a description of the place – namely, big room, fountain in the middle, and full of lots of Shadowhunters. And for some reason, Clary is surprised that everything is so quiet. Which gives her a chance to shit on normal people:

If this had been the aftermath of some disaster in the mundane world, there would have been people shouting, screaming, calling out to one another.

First, this

Our “Heroes”: 2

Second, given that Clary lives in New York City, and has for most of her life, is around 15/16, and this book was published in 2009, but maybe-possibly set in 2007, I’d expect that Clary herself has experienced something similar to what’s happened here. It would have been about, oh, 6-8 years earlier (again, depending on exactly when these books take place), around mid-September?

I’m not trying to play on your emotions (no more than usual, at least), but there is a non-zero chance that Clary knows someone who was directly affected by the 9-11 attacks, whether it be a personal connection with one of the victims, or with a first responder. And they certainly would have left an impression on her, even if she was less than 10 years old. Hell, I still remember that day, and I was maybe as old as Clary is now.

But my point is, Clary likely has access to first- or second-hand accounts of what happened that day, and how people reacted. And yes, people will react differently to events like this, but don’t assume that normal people would panic and run around like chickens with their heads cut off. Sometimes, people go numb. Neither response is better than the other.

Anyway, there’s also a group of scruffy-looking folks in the middle of the room that everyone is avoiding. Maia quickly confirms that this is her pack. Because of course the werewolves are scruffy-looking. Maia runs off to join them, and Clary momentarily thinks about following her, wondering how they’d react.

However, Jace stops her, and before we can learn his reasons, Alec shows up. He’s curious as to why Jace disappeared for several hours, given that he said he was “going for a walk.” Yeah, because everyone knows that super-best-friends, closer-than-brothers constantly lie to one another.

Our “Heroes”: 3

Of course, Jace plays off his complete disappearance, because why actually explain this shit to your super-best-friend?

Our “Heroes”: 4

Also, his answer is a stupid joke.

Rapier Twit: 1

They quickly catch up on what’s happening to the other named characters. Alec still doesn’t know about what happened with Isabelle after he left, but his parents are going to get her and Max. Aline and her parents are here, but she’s been severely traumatized by what happened to her. Of course, he describes it as having “a pretty bad time”.

Our “Heroes”: 5

Also, apparently the demon that grabbed her was a “Rahab” demon. Now, a quick google search brings up a reference to “Rahab” as a character from the Old Testament.

Rahab was a woman who lived in Jericho. And may have been a prostitute.

Moving on!

Clary asks about Simon, but apparently he, the Aldertree of the Consul (whose name I’ve completely forgotten) have all disappeared.

But enough demonstrating concern for Clary’s friend. Luke comes in, leading a group of werewolves, so of course Clary runs over to him. Their reunion is fine, with the generic realization of how petty any anger was and blah blah.

Apparently Luke is injured – he got clawed by a demon in the shoulder near ”Merryweather Bridge.”

Shoddy World-building: 1

And then this semi-decent scene is ruined by Consul What’s-his-face showing up. He is, of course, accusing Luke of leading the attack on the city. So, we can pretty definitely put him in the Villain camp.

There’s some arguing over whether or not the Shadowhunters actually need help, an argument which is pretty moot, given their city is literally on fire right now.

Then Magnus shows up, and is again back to being his old snarky self. And god, how I’ve missed his “don’t give a fuck” attitude.

Clary decides to take this opportunity to drag Magnus off to hand off the special magic book to him. And while I appreciate her holding up her end of their bargain, I’m still bothered by the fact that we’re literally being dragged away from the Actually Important stuff to once again focus on Clary’s nonsense.

And before we can get back to that, Sebastian shows up, rocking the bloodstained-battle-damage chic look, including mild – but unobtrusive – scars. Of course, Clary is still concerned about these mild injuries, so much so she almost lets slip who Magnus really is.

Sebastian catches a look at the magic book, and asks to take a look at it, which is definately not suspicious at all, but before he can, Alec and Jace pop in. Alec is, of course, angry that Sebastian is here, yet his siblings aren’t.

You know, this whole bit would probably work a lot better if that last scene from Isabelle’s POV had been excised. Seriously, it’s the same issue from the previous book – the reader knows far more than the characters, so we’re stuck having to watch them bumble along until they catch up.

Sebastian manages to wrangle Clary into a corner for a private chat. Apparently he recognized the magic book, which isn’t really surprising. Then, for no reason at all, Clary reveals Magnus’s real identity. I suppose this is to balance out Jace’s behavior – he’s constantly lying to his friends, while Clary won’t even lie for her friends.

Sebastian responds to this news by going super-racist. Because again, villains in this series don’t do subtle.

Anyway, Sebastian continues to try to get Clary outside, presumably to whisk her off somewhere, but she doesn’t pick up on that. He even mentions that the prisoners – including Simon – were left in their cells, likely hoping she’ll do the stupid, but not unexpected thing and run off. Again, this whole bit would work much better if we didn’t already know Sebastian is a bad guy.

And then Jace shows up, because we all know that eventually Clary will either get worn down or Sebastian will simply overpower her. Because “strong, independent woman” she ain’t.

Jace again reiterates that he alone doesn’t like Sebastian, because I guess CC can’t bear the thought of him being wrong about anything. And he declares that, if Clary wants to go rescue Simon, then they’ll all go. Sebastian puts the decision to Clary, and is not happy when she goes with Jace’s plan. I have mixed feelings about this, because on the one hand, it’s the smart decision for numerous reasons, but on the other hand, it’s really stripping Clary of any autonomy.

So the whole gang heads for the nearest exit, and somehow in all of this, Sebastian got some blood on Clary, which she notices because it stings her skin. And given what passes for “subtlety” in this series, that’s downright devious.

And that’s the end of this chapter. What can I say? It was… short.

And now that I’ve taken the next step in my journey to being a Real Professional Author ™, the wait for the next entry won’t be quite so long.

Hopefully.

… no promises.

Counts

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3 (Total: 46)
Entirely Pointless: 1 (Total: 9)
Our “Heroes”: 5 (Total: 60)
Plot Hole: 0 (Total: 8)
Rapier Twit: 1 (Total: 5)
You Keep Using That Word: 0 (Total: 102)
Shoddy World Building: 1 (Total: 27)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 ( Total: 2)
A Word From Our Sponsors: 0 (Total: 7)

Comment [5]

Hello, gentle readers. I do have what I feel are decent excuses for the wait between entries, but at least some of that edges into my personal and family life, so I’ll just say that stuff’s been a bit crazy.

Anyway, last time, most of the main cast got reunited. Shadowhunter City has basically been overrun by demons. Sebastian is very obviously a bad guy, but the rest of the cast is too dense to figure that out, and that wouldn’t be nearly as obvious if CC actually understood how to maintain any kind of tension. So now the protagonists are off to rescue the members of the cast that were left behind for various reasons.

But first, the chapter title – “De Profundis.” It’s Latin for “from the depths.” I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be a reference, or if CC is just following that old bit of advice, “Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur” (“Anything said in Latin sounds profound.”)

We start in Simon’s POV. This is good, if only because it means we might actually get some decent writing.

Simon’s made some attempts at escape, with the only result being burns to his hands, but his super vampire healing dealt with that. Meanwhile, Samuel is busy praying. Simon reflects on his inability to do the same, and how it’s a bit weird that he can withstand direct sunlight, but still can’t say “God”.

This is actually a bit of good writing. It’s nice to see Simon reflecting on what he’s lost, and how becoming a vampire has affected him. It also implies, at least to a certain degree, that his religious beliefs were somewhat important to him.

Moving on, there’s a fire somewhere down the hall. Now Simon thinks about how it really kinda sucks to become a vampire, yes somehow still end up dying at 16.

Then Clary shows up at the window. There’s a brief moment where Simon thinks he’s hallucinating, only to discover that he isn’t. I can’t help but think this might work better if we’d had him hallucinating before, so there might be a reason for Simon’s initial doubt.

Well, if nothing else, this means we won’t have to jump over to her and the rest of the Scoobie gang making their way there.

Clary says they’re going to get him out, but Simon is understandably skeptical. Then Jace reaches in – side note, he’s described as having “pianist’s fingers” –

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

(Yes, I know that’s an actual thing, but come on. There’s no way CC chose that particular wording other than to remind readers that Jace plays piano.)

and Jace just rips the bars out. Because I guess he can do that now. I guess Jace is now just early Superman, but blond.

Simon gets pulled out the window and, not missing a beat, we get this line from Jace:

“You look like crap, vampire.”

First, this:

Our “Heroes”: 1

Second, he’s been locked up for how many days now? Three? Four? More? And I doubt they were providing him any kind of clothes or cleaning supplies. So, yeah, he’s gonna look pretty rough. Just because you have the author’s blessing of never looking bad doesn’t mean you get to rub everyone else’s’ faces in it.

But before Simon can point any of this out, Clary runs in and hugs him, and starts going on about how she didn’t know he was there. Simon points out that he didn’t know Clary was there, either, even specifying that Jace very deliberately told him that.

So Jace, being a sociopath, covers his ass with a technicality:

“I never said that,” Jace pointed out. “I just didn’t correct you when you were, you know, wrong. Anyway, I just saved you from being burned to death, so I figure you’re not allowed to be mad.”

Our “Heroes”: 2

Again, you utter fucking sociopath.

First, you very deliberately didn’t tell Simon, or Clary for that matter, despite having no reason to do so, except to cover your own ass. And you very clearly had no intention of informing either of them of the other’s presence. Because evidently preventing any negative feelings towards you is more important than the lives and safety of your supposed “friends.”

Second, Simon saved your ass from a demon that was going to eat you. And since, you have only rarely addressed him by name. At best, this makes you even. And you’re still a colossal douche-bag.

Simon – of course – doesn’t point any of this out. Because we can’t have the main characters calling out Jace. So instead, Simon looks around and notices that, yep, the building is indeed on fire. And because he’s not a massive dick, Simon wants to save Samuel.

Clary and Jace aren’t quite so willing, and when Simon tries to talk to Samuel, the guy just shouts back for Simon to leave him. And at this point Jace actually does something that I will agree with, and decides to ignore Samuel’s request.

Of course, he also uses his newly developed super-strength to kick in the bars to Samuel’s cell, making me once again wonder just when he developed this particular super power. And which no one has commented on.

Nevertheless, Samuel continues to protest, and we get this bit from Jace:

Jace shook his blond head in exasperation. “You had to make a crazy jail friend, didn’t you? You couldn’t just count ceiling tiles or tame a pet mouse like normal prisoners do?”

Rapier Twit: 1

Now, I’m reasonably certain that “pet mouse” bit is in reference to the Stephen King novel The Green Mile, or film adaptation starring Tom Hanks and the late, great Michael Clarke Duncan. But I’m also a bit concerned that Jace thinks it’s “normal” for prisoners to completely isolate themselves or something.

Fun fact: there’s actually evidence that solitary confinement not only doesn’t work, but is actually so bad that it could be considered a form of torture.

So, with Samuel continuing to refuse to escape, Jace goes in after him. This upsets Clary, who decides to blame Simon for this, because it’s not like Jace is capable of making stupid decisions all on his own or something.

And I guess she’s now completely forgiven Jace for lying to her about Simon.

Our “Heroes”: 3

Alec, unsurprisingly, tries to cover for Jace, making the argument that Jace is just such a natural hero that he just couldn’t stand by and let someone die. I mean, it’s not like his immediate reaction to rescuing Simon was to try and shift blame away from himself for his own actions, rather than asking if there was anyone else in the building who might need rescuing.

Oh, wait.

Also, Alec? Please, for your own sake, stop defending Jace. He’s never going to be into you. Pretty sure Magnus explained this to you. So stop chasing after Jace.

Jace shoves a limp Samuel out the window, and shortly follows. To his credit – though not much – his first words are expressing actual concern for the guy he just shoved out of the burning building.

Samuel is curled up in a ball like he’s having a mental break-down. Alec tries to touch him, but Samuel tells him to leave him alone. And he also refers to Alec by name.

Everyone else freaks out about this, and Alec wants to see Samuel’s face. The guy says no, and Simon sticks up for the guy, but is the only one to do so.

Jace decides to get involved, and we get this almost Freudian bit of narration as Clary stops Simon from getting in Jace’s way:

[Clary’s] eyes were on Jace – when weren’t they? – as he moved to stare down at the crouched figure of Samuel.

Indeed, CC. When is Clary ever not staring at Jace when in his presence?

Anyway, Jace orders Samuel to show them his face, and of course, this time Samuel complies.

Side-note: Jace doesn’t refer to him by name, instead addressing Samuel as “Shadowhunter,” and I can’t help but feel that there’s something vaguely dehumanizing about that. As if he’s not a person, or at least not an individual.

Unsurprisingly, Samuel looks pretty rough – he’s thin, old, his eyes are sunken, and he could do with a shave.

And it’s at this point that Jace reveals the big secret – Samuel is actually Hodge.

You guys remember Hodge, right? Guy from the first book? Played a quasi-Dumbledore role, only to turn out to be Valentine’s lacky around the end of the second act? Ran off and conveniently disappeared?

Well, looks like someone may have reminded CC of that particular dangling plot thread.

And that’s the end of the scene.

But, since basically all the POV characters are here, and they have nowhere to go, we pick up right where we left off.

A Word From Our Sponsors: 1

But I think we’ve switched to Clary’s POV. It’s a bit hard to tell, since the first mention of her is in passive voice. Kinda like Clary herself.

Sorry. Moving on.

Everyone’s mad, especially Alec, because he apparently feels that Hodge betrayed them. I feel compelled to point out that both Hodge and his parents were part of the same not-Death Eaters group, and that they got off with a much lighter sentence because they were rich, so I’m having a little trouble seeing any justification for these feelings.

Hodge apologizes, but Jace is having none of it. He’s also convinced – for no apparent reason – that Hodge knew about Valentine’s experiments on Jace. Seriously, I have no idea how Jace could have come to this conclusion.

But of course, like all of Jace’s leaps of logic, he turns out to be correct. Because we can’t have Jace ever be wrong about something.

So there’s much back and forth, and much angsting from Jace. I’ll grant him this – he does have the right to be upset about Hodge keeping all those secrets, especially about Jace’s parentage and what Valentine might have done to him. However, Hodge is also right, in that since all he got from Valentine was a claim that V was Jace’s dad, and well, Valentine lies.

We also get the point emphasized again that Jace doesn’t look like Valentine, even though their descriptions are similar.

There’s yet more angsting from Jace about him having demon blood, and how that absolutely means more than his upbringing. And this would be an interesting way to explore the nature vs. nurture argument, but I’ve read this book, so I know what side CC decides to come down on.

And now Alec gets in on the pile-on-Hodge party. He’s not just mad about the betrayal, he’s mad that Hodge chose to run. Because why would an escaped fugitive go on the run or something.

And to his credit, Hodge brings up the point I made earlier – despite all of them being part of the same group, the Lightwoods received special treatment, while he was locked up and made a pariah and locked away to rot.

But Jace doesn’t care. And when Simon tries to intervene, Jace tells him to shut up. And calls him “vampire” again.

Our “Heroes”: 4

We finally get around to something vaguely relevant when Hodge starts explaining why he came back to Shadowhunter-land. Seems he has an idea of where the las MacGuffin is. Of course, none of the kids believe him at first, because that would make things move a bit faster.

So Hodge basically explains how he figured it out, and it sounds a lot like something out of The Da Vinci Code. Except that, for all its many faults, The Da Vinci Code was actually kinda good at laying out evidence that’s in plain sight.*

*Note: much of said evidence is in fact wrong, but that’s beside the point.

Short version – the magic angel mirror is the lake.

Clary responds to this by basically going, “oh, yeah, that makes sense.” Because, you know, it’s actually pretty obvious. Kind of amazing that it took a presumably pretty smart guy several years of study to put it together. Guess that’s what centuries of in-breeding gets you.

We’re briefly reminded that this conversation is happening next to a burning building by one of the towers collapsing. Of course, this doesn’t cause anyone to go, “hey, maybe we should move this discussion to a safer locale,” or anything, so I’m wondering if it’s there because one of CC’s beta readers went “aren’t they still in front of a burning building?”

Entirely Pointless: 1

Alec, being the resident good-boy, figures that they should probably tell the folks in charge about all this, and pulls Hodge up so they can get moving.

But Jace isn’t having any of that. No, he wants to skip ahead and get Valentine’s whole plan laid out now. And under normal circumstances, I’d be fine with this. Except that a) they’re still in front of a burning building, and b) in this book, Jace doesn’t trust the people in charge, because reasons.

So instead, he pulls out a knife and threatens to start cutting off Hodge’s fingers if he lies. Exactly how Jace will know Hodge is lying is unclear. Of course, knowing this series, he’ll just magically intuit it.

Our “Heroes”: 5

But yeah, the whole “Jack Bauer” thing is not a great look.

Alec is, understandably, a bit freaked out by this. Of course, Clary justifies Jace’s sudden turn into being an open violent sociopath with the “demon blood” card.

Our “Heroes”: 6

Funny how Jace is only behaving this way now, by the way. Almost as if he suddenly has an excuse to act on his urges.

Also, keep this whole bit in mind for the end, because ooooh, boy.

Luckily for Hodge, Clary decides to not sit like a bump on a log while Jace tortures him, and lends her support to Alec’s argument.

But Jace is unmoved. So, like any conspiracy theorist worth their tin-foil hat, he frantically scrambles for a justification for continuing with the course of action he’s already set on. What is it? If what Hodge said was really true, he’d have told the Clave already.

Nevermind that less than a minute ago, Jace didn’t trust the Clave. Or that he has no evidence that Hodge hasn’t told them.

But again, we can’t have Jace be wrong. No, instead, Hodge starts going on about how Valentine has spies in the Clave, and that’s why he never said anything. This strikes me as a bit odd, considering that the membership of Valentine’s little club from back in the day is kind of public knowledge, so he would have needed to recruit new people, which I imagine would be difficult what with either the ‘pretending to be dead’ thing, or the ‘returned and back to his old antics’ thing.

Before Hodge can explain too much (like how he learned about any of this), a knife suddenly appears in his rib cage, and he dies.

Alec understandably freaks out and blames Jace, but of course it wasn’t Jace. So the camera pans around to reveal that it was…

SEBASTIAN!!

And credit where it’s due, I suppose, Sebastian actually tries to pull the “he was armed and dangerous” argument. Unfortunately for him, he’s using this argument on the actual witnesses.

Alec tells Jace to try their standard Cure Minor Wounds spell, but dude, Hodge had like, maybe 3 HP left and just got hit with a nat-20 max damage Sneak Attack. He dead, son.

Simon, being a vampire, decides that he needs to be as far away from the blood as possible. But, Clary being Clary, she clings to him like a toddler with a safety-blanket. After a minute, Simon manages to get free and books it for the treeline. And Clary has a sad.

And somehow, Hodge is still just barely alive, if only to mutter a few cryptic last words (“Jonathan”, “Not you” in response to Jace, and “You were never”) before finally croaking.

Clary dwells on watching Hodge die for a moment, reflecting on how it’s not like it is in the movies. Of course, we also don’t mention Hodge soiling himself as his bowels loosen, so that’s a bit of a wash.

Then everyone gets pissed at Sebastian, which is fair, though I have to wonder whether Alec would describe doing something similar to a non-Shadowhunter as “murder”.

Sebastian defends himself by bringing up all the stuff Hodge did, both back in the day and more recently – you know, the same stuff the “heroes” used to justify their behavior. But this time it’s bad, because I guess that’s only okay when the heroes do it.

*Our “Heroes”: 7

There’s a bit of back-and-forth, and it gets nicely derailed when Sebastian points out that Jace had just said that he was going to torture Hodge to get information. Glad at least someone was both paying attention and not excusing that.

Then he taunts Jace about kissing Clary, and how their relationship is really pretty fucked up. And for a minute – just a minute – I really, really like him.

And then Sebastian has to ruin it by admitting that he’s with the bad guys, because why even bother with attempting to be subtle at this point?

I can never have nice things.

Clary goes back over everything Sebastian just said, laying it all out, presumably for the especially slow readers. At least Sebastian calls her out for being such a moron.

Jace attacks Sebastian, but whoops! Looks like Sebastian also has super speed. He then proceeds to kick Jace’s ass. Guess the little shit goblin wasn’t all that good of a fighter after all.

Clary jumps in, and it goes about as well as you’d expect an artsy kid with about five minutes of training going up against someone who does this shit for a living would. For once.

Alec threatens Sebastian with his bow, but that fails, too. Sebastian closes, snaps the bow, and starts gloating about getting to take down two Lightwood in one day.

But just as Sebastian is about to off Alec, Simon comes in yet again with the save, even biting Sebastian’s arm.

Meanwhile, Clary has once again gone into slug-mode.

Sebastian and Simon tussle for a bit, and this gives Jace enough time to get off his ass. He threatens Sebastian a bit, and Sebastian decides to book it. After all, we still have a little over half the book left, so we can’t go offing the only decent, credible threat we’ve seen thus far just yet.

Side note: why the hell has it taken until book 3 to finally have a villain who’s a demonstrated, on-screen threat to the protagonists for more than a single scene? This whole series has been obsessed with showing Valentine as a threat, but when he shows up, he never does anything really threatening.

But I’m going to can-of-worms this, because this is a discussion worth focusing on, and we’ve still got a ways to go.

Clary tries to get up, but can’t, so Jace runs over to her. As she looks up at him, she sees a weird shiny aura around him, which of course has to be caused by her vision blurring, and definately isn’t a hint at something. Nope.

Jace figures Clary probably has a concussion, and figures based on his non-existent medical expertise that one of their Cure Minor Wounds spells should fix it, but they should probably get her to the hospital, though of course it’s not called a “hospital.” It’s “the Basilias,” and no, I have no idea where that name is derived from.

Side-note – why is it that the spell Jace felt was good enough to heal a stab wound to the heart isn’t good enough to deal with a concussion? I mean, I’m not a medical expert, but how does the latter require more specialized treatment than the former?

Oh, wait, because it’s Clary. Moving on.

Now that he’s established that Clary isn’t going to die, though, Jace starts berating Clary for getting involved in the fight with Sebastian. Alec comes to her defense, pointing out that Sebastian was kinda kicking Jace’s ass.

Jace starts making excuses, because he can’t just accept that maybe he’s not quite as super-special-awesome as he thinks he is.

Meanwhile, Simon is less bothered by what happened, but does note that Sebastian is pretty damn strong – Simon’s prettys sure Sebastian broke a few of his ribs. Luckily for Simon, vampires heal fast. And probably don’t need to breathe that much.

A more pertinent detail, though, is that Sebastian’s blood tasted gross. This detail is, of course, immediately dismissed by Jace, because why would he listen to Simon about anything?

They start heading back to base, because there’s definitely nothing else they should maybe be worried about. You know, it’s not like one of them left their siblings with the guy who just tried to kill them, and explicitly mentioned killing one of said siblings during the fight, so it might be a good idea to try and track down said siblings.

Nope. Nothing else to worry about.

There is walking, and talking, and thinking.

Alec tries to tell Jace that just because his dad is a psycho, that doesn’t mean he too needs to act like a psycho. Jace doesn’t respond well to this.

Clary spends a good paragraph or so trying to figure out Sebastian’s deal, and if she’s really just that oblivious.

No, Clary, in this one instance, I’ll say that it’s not your fault – it’s CC’s fault.

The four of them apparently walk through the streets for a good few minutes before realizing that there don’t appear to be any demons around. Odd, that.

They get back to the big city hall to find it lit up like a Christmas tree. Inside, everyone else is just as confused about the demons’ disappearance as they are, or at least should be.

Also, the Lightwoods have made it, including Isabelle.

And to top it off, Max is now dead. Because there’s no cheaper way to pull at people’s heartstrings than killing a kid. Except maybe for killing a dog.

Alec and the other Lightwoods are grieving, but Jace is all stoic. So, of course, Clary can only think about how she wants to comfort Jace, because of his man-pain or something.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

But instead of doing that, Clary runs outside for some reason, and without tripping or stumbling once, despite all the trouble she apparently had just a few minutes ago.

End chapter.

You know, I’m honestly kind of amazed that there’s still so much of this book left. Then again, it’s kind of amazing how much of it I’ve already covered, given how little has actually happened. But that’s what comes from focusing so much on teen drama angst instead of the actually important stuff, like the whole “save the world” plot.

I’ll see you guys whenever I get around to slogging through another chapter. Which will hopefully be soon, if I can just get motivated.

Counts

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2 (Total: 50)
Entirely Pointless: 1 (Total: 10)
Our “Heroes”: 7 (Total: 67)
Plot Hole: 0 (Total: 8)
Rapier Twit: 1 (Total: 6)
You Keep Using That Word: 0 (Total: 102)
Shoddy World Building: 0 (Total: 27)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 ( Total: 2)
A Word From Our Sponsors: 1 (Total: 8)

Comment [4]

Hey folks, and welcome back. Hope you’ve all been having a good July. Nothing special to report on my end, so let’s get into it.

So last time, the crew went out to rescue Simon. They managed to pull him and his neighbor, Samuel, and we got a whole bunch of exposition/revelations dumped on us.

For starters, “Samuel” was really Hodge – you know, the guy who was revealed to be the traitor in CoB, but then completely disappeared in CoA, and no one seemed to care? Well, guess we found out why.

Among other things, Hodge explained that he figured out the weird lake that’s literally in all the paintings of the Shadowhunters’ angel patriarch is the mysterious MacGuffin Mirror that everyone knows exists, but has been “lost”. Because all Shadowhunters are idiots, or something.

Also, Hodge somehow knows that Valentine has agents in the Shadowhunter government. How? Who knows. How were they recruited? Not important. Hodge only knows this because he needed an excuse to not tell anyone that Mary Magdalene is Holy Grail- er, I mean that the lake is the Mirror. Yeah.

But, once Hodge served his purpose (and been threatened with torture by Jace, because reasons), Sebastian showed up and offed him. There was a brief confrontation between the crew and Sebastian, followed by an even briefer fight, in which Jace got his ass handed to him and Simon basically saved the day (not that anyone will remember this, of course).

After that, they all decided to head back to the town hall or whatever, where they found Isabelle, miraculously alive, and Max, not so much alive. But rather than offer comfort to people who are supposed to be her friends, Clary ran outside to see the sunrise, and passed out.

Chapter 13’s title is “Where There Is Sorrow.” When I first saw this, I just assumed it was CC being super-emo, but now that I’ve checked, it looks like it’s half a quote from Oscar Wilde: “Where there is sorrow, there is holy ground.”

So not only is it kinda emo, it’s also pretentious as hell. So, par for the course, then.

We start with Clary waking up from a dream involving bleeding angels. Fortunately, we’re not subjected to said dream.

It seems some amount of time has passed since the last chapter, as Clary is back in Amatis’s place. She opens the curtains, then immediately closes them again upon seeing the smoke from all the pyres for Shadowhunter dead. This would be a bit moving, but instead of having Clary focus on just how many bodies are being burnt and how many dead there must be, Clary tries to remember her dream. Mostly because she saw some new rune in her dream, but can’t quite remember it.

This leads to a quick recap of some of her previous dreams, and wondering if all the symbolically prophetic ones were also sent by the angel Valentine had locked up in his basement.

We move on to a quick summation of what happened after the end of the last chapter. It’s not terrible. I just wish we’d gotten to see it, rather than getting the recap. There is a bit of Clary reflecting on how she’d promised to take Max to Forbidden Planet, and how that’s not going to happen now.

Which would also be good writing, if Clary didn’t follow that thought up with deciding not to think about it. And while I get not wanting to dwell on loss like this, ignoring it is also not healthy.

Clary finally gets dressed and leaves her bedroom. Simon is also staying with Amatis now, so at least there’s that.

Apparently it’s been at least a few days since the last chapter, because we establish that all the adult Shadowhunters, and Luke, have been having meetings to figure out what they’re going to do. Which sounds at least plot-relevant, so of course we’re not going to get to see it. Of course, there’s also the question of why Clary and Simon are even still here, but we’re certainly not going to address that.

Plot Hole: 1

Clary’s been trying to get in contact with Magnus, and is feeling a bit pissy with him, because in the three days (ah! A timeline begins to form!) since she gave him the magic book he wanted, he’s been incommunicado. And then there’s this bit:

She wondered why she’d ever thought trusting someone who wore that much eyeliner was a good idea.

I… what? Huh?

Clary also kinda wants Simon to go, but not really, because he’s her safety-blanket.

So he stayed, and Clary was secretly, guiltily glad.

Our “Heroes”: 1

Clary asks if Simon is still getting a regular supply of blood, but is apparently too squeamish to use the word “blood.” Seems Maia’s been delivering a bottle for him every day, though Simon has no idea of the source.

We then get a random flashback of a different werewolf bringing Simon a live cat to eat, which Simon let go. Luke saw this and thought it was funny, but also said he’d tell Maia, so the implication is that this is all being done on Luke’s orders.

And this whole bit – which I’m still not clear on why it’s here to begin with – kinda undermines the “vampires and werewolves have a genetic hatred of each other” thing from the last book.

Shoddy World Building: 1

Entirely Pointless: 1

Now that we’ve filled up a page or so with that, Clary asks about Simon’s experience with Hodge. Simon says he kinda grew to like him during his brief stint as Hodge’s neighbor, but Clary insists that Hodge was totes evil. Because moral complexity is for protagonists only.

This leads to Simon basically laying out that Hodge is basically this series’s Snape. I don’t quite agree – we don’t get nearly the same amount of details about Hodge’s childhood, and Simon says he thinks Hodge ended up the way he was because he never “had anyone else in his life to challenge him or make him a better person,” – but I kinda see what CC is going for with this.

Clary briefly considers telling Simon about what she and Jace found on their little day-trip, but is saved from having to deal with having to confront her own hypocrisy by Aline showing up. Seems she wants to apologize to Jace, Alec, and Isabelle, but doesn’t know where to find them. Clary reveals that they somehow managed to wrangle a house for themselves, as the owner’s decided to leave the city.

Two things:

First, given that the Lightwoods already lost one child, I can’t imagine that they’d be willing to let their other two biological children and their adopted child get their own place. If anything, I’d expect them to insist that the kids stay with them.

Second, there’s mention that a lot of folks have been leaving the city in the aftermath of the attack. Which again leads me to wonder why Clary and Simon are still here.

Plot Hole: 2

There’s some sniping between Clary/Simon and Aline, because again, she’s the new Designated Female Target, but eventually we get to the point – Sebastian’s aunt (you know, the woman who is supposed to have raised him) sent them some photos. And the kid in the photos looks nothing like the person they’ve been dealing with this whole time.

The three of them manage to rub their brains together and actually get a spark – if Valentine could replace one person coming to Shadowhunter Land with one of his people, he could have done it to other people as well.

Aline suggests that they should tell somebody, and Simon says they should all just go to together. But Aline feels guilty about running from Isabelle, and doesn’t feel up to facing her or her parents. Which brings me back to what happened to her, and how utterly fucked up it is that CC seems to have made her the new punching bag.

Clary kinda comforts her, and this leads into another bit of Teen Soap-Opera, with Aline talking about her making out with Jace. Seems it was an “experiment,” and she initiated. And she assumed that Clary got so upset because their families were friends, and that it would lead to Jace getting in trouble. Because that makes sense. Maybe.

Anyway, we get an acknowledgement that Jace is kind of a man-whore, and that he’s not Aline’s type. Which leads to this unfortunate line from Simon, of all people:

“I thought Jace was the kind of guy who was everyone’s type.”

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

No, CC. Just because you have a thing for unrepentant, unreconstructed “bad boys” doesn’t mean that everyone else does.

Meanwhile, Clary is too busy thinking about how she shouldn’t have gotten mad at Jace that she misses this line from Aline:

“I was trying to figure out if any guy is my type.”

That’s right, folks – Aline might be a lesbian. Which I suppose is worthy of at least some credit.

But with one reason for Clary to be mad at Jace gone, we end the scene.

The next scene picks up at the current Shadowhunter HQ, i.e. the town hall. There’s quite a bit of gossip going on, and some of the rumors even contradict each other, which isn’t really that surprising. And while I can’t see it at the moment, I did make a note of this particular bit on my initial pass:

The wards were back up, but weaker than before. The wards were back up, but stronger than before.

Those are two different rumors, as made obvious by the “contradictory rumors” bit literally two sentences earlier in the same paragraph. Yet for some reason, over 400 people felt the need to highlight that. Now, maybe it’s because they didn’t realize the context of the statement, and assumed that it was an error – I certainly made that assumption just now, before checking the context.

So I can only conclude that CC’s readers (or at least 400 of them) either have/had problems understanding context, or were simply skimming through the book. Not that I’d blame them if they were.

The Consul and bunch of other leader-types are all hanging around in the middle of the room in a sort of make-shift war room, with maps and everything. Luke’s not there, though – he’s off to the side, getting bandaged up or something.

Amatis asks Clary what she’s doing here, because apparently we’re still going with the “no kids allowed” rule. As for Simon, she points out that Aldertree is also there, and he’s still pretty pissed with Simon and whatnot, so Simon’s presence might cause some tensions between the Shadowhunters and the Downworlders.

That’s a very good point, Amatis. Why the hell is Simon still here, anyway?

Plot Hole: 3

Anyway, Simon is snarky towards Aldertree, which gets a snap from Clary, and she passes the photos of real-Sebastian over. Clary explains that Aline wants Luke to show the photos to the Lightwoods in the hope of mending bridges. We also get some background on Aline’s family – seems they too were cozy with Valentine back in the day. My god, was Hodge the only one actually punished for what he was involved in?

Luke points out that Max’s funeral is today, so they’re out in the cemetery. Also, the ceremony is family-only, so Clary won’t exactly be welcome. And of course, upon hearing this, Clary immediately thinks about Jace and his man-pain, because why would anyone consider the feelings of, say, the parents at the funeral for their child.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Regardless, Clary hopes the Lighwoods will be happy to learn that the guy who killed the youngest member of their family isn’t related to anyone they knew, because somehow that will make things better. Luke points out that they still don’t know who not-Sebastian really is, and that Valentine apparently has other agents out there. This quickly turns to the question of how the big fancy wards got shut down in the first place – seems somebody climbed up one of the towers and painted some magic graffiti on it in demon blood. Luke criticizes the Clave’s reliance on the wards. Simon compares it to a game that I’m certain CC just made up, because I refuse to believe any game involving multiple players and constructing a fortress would include something with a name as stupid as a “Spell of Total Invincibility.”

And I can only assume this is here to remind us all that Simon is a Nerd.

And perhaps in this one instance, I actually share Clary’s sentiment:

“Simon,” Clary sad. “Shut up.”

Moving on, the Shadowhunters continue to be incredibly racist. Because despite Luke’s people saving so many of them, and them voting to appoint him as an advisor, they’d still rather he go away, and are basically ignoring his advice.

I wish I could feign even the slightest surprise at this.

And then Valentine shows up.

Not like, in person or anything. He shows up as a hologram, mostly so he can get in some villainous moustache-twirling. Of course, he walks in as a hologram, because CC desperately needed to force in some amount of tension, because it’s only revealed that he’s not really there two paragraphs after Valentine shows up.

Entirely Pointless: 1

Personally, if I were in his place, I’d pop up right in the middle of the room. Hell, I’d show up as a giant floating head like the bad guy in The Last Starfighter just to fuck with these guys.

Anyway, Valentine gets right down to showing that he’s the bad guy, because he’s openly racist, referring to Luke as a “half-breed degenerate,” and Simon as Clarys’ “pet.”

You know, all this would work just a little better if I didn’t know that all Valentine is doing is saying loudly and in public what apparently most Shadowhunters only say quietly and in private. As the saying goes, “character is what you are in the dark.”: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/WhatYouAreInTheDark

There’s a bit of posturing from several people, and eventually Valentine gets down to giving his Big Villain Speech – I’m sure he’s been working very hard on it, and he’s not going to be interrupted.

He complains about the Clave’s rules, and that he only acted to get them to listen. He mentions having predicted that, if they didn’t secure the future of their race keep the Downworlders in line, the Downworlders would ruin everything. As evidence, he notes all the destruction his horde of demons have wreaked on the city.

Of course, none of that would have happened if he hadn’t summed up a horde of demons and unleashed them on the city either, but since when have racist quasi-fascists cared about facts?

But rather than point that out, Luke instead points out that the Shadowhunters still treating Downworlders like shit, and that the only thing that’s really changed is that now both groups have a common enemy – namely, Valentine.

Valentine scoffs at the idea of Downworlders actually fighting, and drops the term “Night Children” just to be extra pretentious.

You Keep Using That Word: 1

Simon and Clary try to get in some barbs, but they’re half-assed at best.

But then Amatis jumps in, bringing up how Valentine more or less wrecked her entire life – lying to her about Luke, convincing her husband to leave her, tearing families apart without a second thought. She also points out that, for all his claims of how corrupt and petty the Clave’s members might be, he’s kinda responsible for making them like that. And she caps it all off by pointing out that, while all the adults there were sympathetic to Valentine at one time or another – and that they’ll all have to carry that with them for the rest of their lives – they’ve all moved on, and realized what a mistake that was.

And not a single person has a response to this.

I’ve always strived to be fair to CC. As much as I’m willing, even eager to rip into her writing, perhaps even going a bit over the line in some instances, I have also tried to acknowledge when she does write something good.

This bit right here? Having it be Amatis, a side-character who’s never been mentioned, let alone appeared on-page before this book, a character who’s entire role thus far has been to be a supporting character in the lives of other characters, that rips into the Big Bad and manages to give him a verbal beating, especially right after he shrugged off similar attempts by three of the main characters?

That is good writing. Amatis makes solid points. There’s a real sense (at least in my reading) of personal aggrievement on her part. She’s suffered the consequences of Valentine’s actions multiple times, and even the narration acknowledges that Valentine hasn’t thought about her in years. Amatis is the embodiment of every character on the receiving end of a villain’s “casual cruelty.”: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ButForMeItWasTuesday

And damn if it isn’t good to read.

Let’s get back to the book.

After a moment’s stunned silence, Valentine presents his demands: complete and utter surrender, ending with him being appointed supreme ruler of all Shadowhunters, and obedience enforced via magic. I can only assume that he wants them to refuse, because I can’t see how anyone would be stupid enough to actually accept them.

Not that it doesn’t stop Clary from freaking out and thinking that they might just do that.

And then, Aldertree of all people speaks up. He seems to grasp just how crazy these demands are, even if his indignation is coming from a desire to maintain his own position of authority.

And then Valentine kills him. And the description is really weird, too, because despite Clary knowing that he’s a hologram, and having seen Aldertree himself pass through Valentine only a few minutes ago, Clary is nevertheless surprised when Valentine’s hand goes through Aldertree’s chest. And what’s even weirder is that everyone else is also surprised by this.

And no, there’s no indication that Valentine’s hand is having any physical contact with Aldertree, at least not from the text.

Anyway, Valentine presumably does something to Aldertree’s heart, and his hand comes out covered in blood. He then says they have a day or so to think over his offer, and then winks out.

So that’s it for chapter 13. If nothing else at least there was an actual good bit of writing in there. And the plot is actually moving along, instead of stalling around to focus on the characters’ personal lives.

I’ll see you guys when I crank out another one of these. Which, if I can actually apply a bit of discipline to myself, should be a bit more frequent. You have no idea how much I want to just be done with this book.

Counts

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2 (Total: 52)
Entirely Pointless: 1 (Total: 11)
Our “Heroes”: 0 (Total: 67)
Plot Hole: 3 (Total: 11)
Rapier Twit: 0 (Total: 6)
You Keep Using That Word: 1 (Total: 103)
Shoddy World Building: 0 (Total: 27)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 ( Total: 2)
A Word From Our Sponsors: 0 (Total: 8)

Comment [1]

Hello folks. In an effort to get through this book faster, I started on this a day or so after posting the last one.

And then my computer’s power supply crapped out. So for about 4 days, I couldn’t use my desktop.

Though to be fair, I could still have used my laptop, but I guess I’m just a bit set in my ways. But now my computer’s working again, and this shouldn’t be an issue any further.

And now, a quick recap.

So last time, not a whole lot happened. Mostly Valentine showed up to give a big villain speech to the few folks who didn’t decide to run for the hills after the demon horde left. His arguments were stupid and irrational, but that’s not surprising. His demands were absurd and probably just an excuse for him to go forward with his plan anyway.

Oh, and there was an actual bit of really good, enjoyable writing from a minor supporting character. Kinda like this bit from Molly Weasley in Deathly Hallows (mostly the line, but the fight’s good too):

So, on to chapter 14.

The title is “In the Dark Forest.” Your guess is as good as mine if it’s because the characters go to a forest, CC is trying to be metaphorical, or if it’s supposed to be a reference to something.

We start with Jace, and he’s being his usual sociopathic self. Just in case anyone needed reminding:

“Well, how about that,” said Jace […] “A guy attends the funeral of his nine-year-old brother and misses all the fun.”

Wow, dude. Just… wow.

Our “Heroes”: 1

Rapier Twit: 1

I mean, that’s so horrible that even Alec thinks it was in bad taste.

Speaking of, we’ve moved to the house the Lightwoods have taken over, and apparently the owners left out a bowl of chocolates. Clary ate a few, and the narration helpfully informs us that they were gross. Because that’s where her priorities are. Clary also thinks the owners are cowards because they left “when things got tough.”

Girl, a horde of demons rampaged through the city while you and your would-be boyfriend were off strolling through the countryside. I think they’re justified in getting the hell out of Dodge. Assuming they’re still alive, that is.

Our “Heroes”: 2

Jace is entirely clueless about what he might have said to offend Alec, because he’s a sociopath. We also get a description of his clothes, though there’s at least some relevance here – since Shadowhunters wear black all the time, their mourning color is white. Not that this stops Clary from thinking about how it makes Jace look like, “an angel. Albeit one of the avenging kind.”

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

And I’m not surprised when it’s Simon who asks a pertinent question – namely, how the hell did Valentine manage to kill Aldertree like that, since he was a hologram.

Clary gives a very abbreviated description of what Valentine did, including a mention of there being a lot of blood. So of course, Jace makes a snarky comment about it to Simon.

Our “Heroes”: 3

Rapier Twit: 2

Simon ignores this, because he’s the much bigger man here. And then, as if to prove how humor actually works, compares being Inquisitor to being the drummer for Spinal Tap.

Which, I admit is a joke that people under a certain age probably aren’t likely to make, but I’ll allow it.

Ma and Pa Lightwood are still up at the necropolis, and Isabelle hasn’t left her room, because she feels guilty. She didn’t even come to the funeral.

Simon asks if they’ve tried talking to her, which makes Jace mad. But to be honest, I’m with Simon, because it really wouldn’t surprise me if “talk to the girl who feels responsible for her brother’s murder” hadn’t actually occured to Jace.

Alec decides they should at least tell Isabelle about not-Sebastian, and how no one noticed anything odd about him. Jace interjects with this:

“_I_ thought he was a knob.”

When did Jace suddenly become British?

Jace, authorial fiat does not count as intuition.

Alec starts to explain this to Jace, but stops, because pointing out any flaws Jace has is verboten.

Clary voices some skepticism that Valentine would committ genocide on all Shadowhunters, but Jace makes a good point by noting he had no problem with experimenting on his own children, so nothing’s really off the table. Also, Jace hasn’t said anything about the angel Valentine had chained up in his basement. And Clary doesn’t mention this because… reasons.

Conversation moves on to the forensics of not-Sebastian. They’ve tried some tracking spells on his stuff, but apparently it all belonged to the real Sebastian, because none of the spells do anything, because you can’t track a dead person.

And apparently the Shadowhunter leadership either knew about the last MacGuffin, or Hodge blabbed about his little theory, because they’ve placed guards on the main routes to the lake, and set up stuff to tell them in anyone just pops into the area. Of course, they’ve only blocked the roads, so there’s nothing to stop someone going cross-country, so they’re still kinda morons.

Simon asks yet another pertinent question (he’s really on a roll today) – why, after killing Max and knocking out Isabelle, didn’t not-Sebastian just book it? Why come along on the rescue mission? Clary says it’s because of her. And, unfortunately, she’s right.

Clary dodges around talking about her maybe-kinda-sorta date with not-Sebastian, and mentions how not-Sebastian was trying really hard to get Clary to come outside with him. Jace figures he wanted to bring Clary to Valentine, but Clary insists that Valentine has only ever been interested in Jace. So Jace brings up the whole, “sank a boat single-handed” thing Clary did at the end of the last book, and suggests Clary lock herself in her room.

This is supposedly him being “protective,” by the way.

Clary elects to show some actual spine, and says no. Jace, being the narcissistic asshole that he is, assumes it’s to make him miserable. Clary points out that not everything is about him, and we get this line from Jace:

“Possibly,” Jace said, “but you have to admit that the majority of things are.”

One moment, please.

Okay, that’s a bit better.

First, this:

Our “Heroes”: 4

Second, I’m actually pretty certain that this is supposed to be “endearing” or something. Because nothing makes me like a character more than them being a self-centered douchebag.

Moving on, if only for the sake of my blood pressure.

Simon suggests that he go up and talk to Isabelle. Alec asks why, since she won’t even talk to her family, and Simon points out that that fact might her more willing to open up to him. I assume that he means that his presence won’t make her feel guilty, but he doesn’t elaborate.

Clary thinks about all the shit Simon’s been through, and how he’s changed – namely, that he’s a lot more confident than he used to be. And of course, she misses the old Simon. By which I assume she means the one who would bend over backwards to please her.

Our “Heroes”: 5

Clary points out that it’s getting late in a blatant attempt to manipulate Simon, but Jace steps in and offers to walk her back. And then there’s this incredibly awkward bit where he makes a joke about Simon being able to see in the dark because Vampire, and Alec doesn’t realize that until about two seconds later, and it’s all just really dumb.

End scene.

Next scene jumps to Clary and Jace walking to Amatis’s place. Clary is, unsurprisingly, fawning over and staring at Jace the whole time, because that’s what she does when it’s just the two of them.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

When they do start talking, it’s about why Valentine killed Aldertree instead of Luke, and quickly moves to the relationship between Luke and Valentine. Unfortunately, it’s not in the ‘they were totally gay for each other’ aspect of it. Jace points out that both of them tried to get the Shadowhunter leadership to change, but doesn’t point out the obvious difference, i.e. that one of them wanted the Clave to be even more violent and oppressive to Downworlders, while the other is working for the exact opposite.

It’s like comparing Hitler to Gandhi by saying they both worked to help their respective countries. Yes, technically you’re right, but there’s such a complete lack of nuance that there’s not much point in continuing the conversation.

Clary brings up how Luke and Valentine used to be friends. Jace quotes something, because he’s a pretentious ass like that (it’s Christabel) by Samuel Taylor Coleridge, for those interested, though I doubt there’s any real connection), and basically says that’s kinda why Valentine hates Luke so much. As for why Val didn’t off Luke, Jace figures he’s got some other plan for Luke.

Clary moves the topic to the coming fight, claiming that Valentine can’t win, because he’ll be up against Shadowhunters and Downworlders. Jace is somewhat skeptical of the two groups working together, though. Then he gets all mopy, and we get this bit of narration:

Despair, anger, hate. These are demon qualities. He’s acting the way he thinks he should act.

Yes, because Jace has just been such an up-beat optimist before. And since when are despair, anger, and hate “demon qualities”? This isn’t Star Wars, CC – Jace isn’t going to suddenly fall to the Dark Side because he started whining.

Finally, they reach Amatis’s house, so this scene is almost over.

But then, the author’s hand descends to provide a way to progress the plot. Jace notices there’s blood on Clary’s sleeve. But it’s not Clary’s blood. And Clary realizes that it’s not-Sebastian’s blood!

So the “we don’t have a way of finding not-Sebastian” subplot lasted all of five minutes. Not that I’m surprised, but still.

But of course we don’t go rushing off to tell anyone about this. Oh, no. Instead, Jace surreptitiously snags a single blood-stained thread, because keeping important stuff secret from Clary has worked out so very well for him lately.

Anyway, that’s the end of that scene.

The next scene is from Simon’s POV, so right off the bat it’s better than the last scene. He’s at Isabelle’s door, asking to be let in.

There’s a good bit of back and forth between Isabelle and Simon: she says she doesn’t want to talk to him or Clary; Simon says Clary isn’t there, and he’s not leaving until they talk; Isabelle yells for Alec and Jace to get rid of Simon; Simon explains that he’s up there alone.

I know it’s not much, but I like that Isabelle requires at least some convincing to let Simon in. Which she does.

Isabelle’s looking a bit rough – hair is a tangled mess, and no makeup. Again, it’s not much, but given how much pride she seems to take in her appearance, this is a nice, understated way to convey how she’s responding to this situation. Her room is also a mess, with clothes scattered around the floor.

Isabelle sits down on the bed and asks Simon what he wants. The narration follows Simon’s thoughts, noting the various light scar marks all over Isabelle’s skin. And, unsurprisingly, his thoughts drift to Clary, and if she’ll eventually look the same. Is this really the time to be thinking about Clary?

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

Isabelle starts to open up, but for some reason, decides to discuss Jace’s relationship with Max, rather than her own. She shows Simon a toy soldier that Jace had when he was a kid, and which he eventually gave to Max. How is this relevant? Well, uh, Max had it in his hand when they found his body?

Yeah, I don’t get it, either. Isabelle spends more time explaining the toy’s origins than its relevance to the topic at hand. Maybe this is CC’s way of showing that Jace really did like Max, because it’s not like we got to see much interaction between them in the book and a half that we knew of Max’s existence.

Anyway, Isabelle starts getting into her perceived failures leading up to Max’s death, including brushing off Max’s claims of seeing someone climbing the anti-demon towers. Simon does a decent job of pointing out that it’s not her fault, because no one else suspected a thing.

Then Simon starts opening up, discussing his father’s death, and thinking about stuff he should have done, even though there was nothing he could do. Isabelle doesn’t quite buy it, especially when it turns out that Simon’s dad died of a heart attack, so there really was nothing he could have done about it.

And then something completely out of left field happens. Isabelle, for no discernable reason, decides to jump Simon’s bones. Why? Because she, “needs to be distracted.”

I mean, I kinda get it, but this does not strike me as healthy behavior.

Also, I’m not quite sure if this qualifies as slut-shaming, or if it’s just CC’s weird Madonna-Whore thing going off again.

But that’s the end of that scene. Never thought I’d be happy to see the end of a Simon POV scene.

The next scene has us back in Clary’s head. And oh, boy, it’s a doozy. But at least it’s the last scene of the chapter.

Clary’s lying in bed, still awake. She expressed some concern over Simon when he didn’t show up for dinner, which I guess is fair, but so is Luke basically going, “he’s not a child, drop it.”

And then Jace climbs in through her window, because that’s not incredibly creepy and invasive.

Clary rightfully asks what he’s doing in her room, and gives some vague explanation about being restless and constantly finding himself walking back here. Because that doesn’t sound creepy and stalker-ish at all.

After a bit of dancing around a real answer, we finally get one – Jace is feeling all angsty about their whole incest thing. He’s feeling kinda messed up because he really wants to boink her, but again, incest.

And the whole conversation is so fraught with so much over-the-top, soap opera-esque angst that I’d probably be dinging every other line. So instead, I’m just going to drop five of these and move on.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 8

Honestly, that’s really all this scene is – Jace and Clary talking about how much they really, truly, deeply love each other, but how they can’t indulge in it, because it would be wrong.

I swear, if Game of Thrones had been a soap opera, the scenes between Jamie and Cersei couldn’t possibly have been anywhere near this over-wrought.

Finally, Jace just comes out and says that, what with Valentine’s ultimatum, this might be their last night alive, and he wants to spend it with Clary.

But not like that, oh no. Because theirs is a more pure, more true love than that. To which I respond, pull the other one, CC. I didn’t buy that whole “courtly love” crap from Thomas Malory, so why the hell would I buy it from you?

(Side note: Dinadan and Palamedes) are the best characters in the story of Tristram, and I will fight you if you say otherwise.)

Anyway, Clary agrees – big surprise there. But not before we get this wonderful line:

There was nothing she had ever wanted in her life more than she wanted this night with Jace.

When I was taking notes, I wrote down that 453 people had highlighted that sentence. Here’s my actual response to seeing that:

Okay, just a bit more to go.

Jace gets into bed – remaining dressed, of course – and they both lie there. The chapter ends with Clary holding Jace’s hand as she falls asleep, with the narration describing it as “like children in a fairy tale.”

Because who doesn’t think of incest when they think of fairy tales?

Seriously, you can’t go from “I really want to have sex with you, even though you’re my sister” to “oh, they’re just so innocent and pure,” like that. It just doesn’t work.

So that was chapter 14. And while I can’t say it’s the absolute worst chapter I’ve done so far, that’s hardly great praise. The few good bits don’t really balance out the bad bits.

I’ll see you folks for chapter 15. Hopefully I won’t have more technical problems getting in the way.

Counts

Both Hands, Ma’am: 8 (Total: 60)
Entirely Pointless: 0 (Total: 11)
Our “Heroes”: 5 (Total: 72)
Plot Hole: 0 (Total: 11)
Rapier Twit: 2 (Total: 8)
You Keep Using That Word: 0 (Total: 103)
Shoddy World Building: 0 (Total: 27)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 ( Total: 2)
A Word From Our Sponsors: 0 (Total: 8)

Comment [2]

Hello, my wonderful readers, and welcome to the next chapter of City of Glass. No big news from my personal life to share, so we can jump right into the chapter, after a quick recap:

Last chapter was pretty much everyone reacting to Valentine’s big speech to what remains of Shadowhunter leadership. There were really only two points of any real interest: Isabelle deciding to have sex with Simon as a way to ignore her guilt over Max’s death; and Jace snuck into Clary’s room, and they presumably spent the night chastely holding hands.

And to be honest, the later bothered me way more than the former.

But now we’re on to chapter 15 – Things Fall Apart. And only by getting through it will we discover whether that’s an apt description of what occurs, or if it’s CC making yet another pretentious literary reference.

We start out in Luke’s head, which makes for an interesting change of pace. He’s currently staring up at the moon through the glass ceiling of the big main hall. The moon is getting full, and there’s a nice bit about how that’s affecting his senses, even when not in wolf form.

However, I can’t help but wonder why he’s staring at the moon while in the middle of a strategy session. Being easily distracted isn’t a great trait in a leader.

Amatis snaps him out of it, and we get a quick rundown of who else is at the meeting. It’s mostly local families he knew back in the day – the Penhallows, the Lightwoods, and the ‘Ravenscars’

Shoddy World Building: 1

(Seriously, CC, is it really that hard to find surnames that fit the region you put your secret magic country in?)

but there’s also a few others, demonstrating that the Shadowhunters are an international organization – there’s mention of a Monteverde family from Lisbon, and one Nasreen Chaudhury from Mumbai. And this would be a nice detail, except for that whole “Shadowhunters don’t marry/interbreed with non-Shadowhunters” thing from waaay back in the first book.

Shoddy World Building: 2

I really feel like CC completely forgot she even wrote that little rule to begin with, given how she’s basically ignored it since.

Mama Lightwood then chastises Luke for zoning out, since he’s the one who called this little meeting to begin with. Again, such stellar leadership qualities Luke is demonstrating.

And then they start arguing. Seems Luke doesn’t really have a plan, because they’ve just been arguing in circles this whole time.

We get a bit of background on the Penhallows – seems Aline’s mom is Chinese. I think. She’s from Beijing, and her name is Jia. Again, we have that whole “no interbreeding with the Muggles” thing, so I can’t be sure.

Anyway, we finally get to what Luke’s “plan” was. Or rather, a vague idea. Seems he proposed the Shadowhunters and Downworlders join forces, and in exchange, each group of Downworlders gets a seat on the Council. Of course, Luke uses the super-pretentious names for each, and leaves out the vampires entirely.

You Keep Using That Word: 3 (one for each)

Of course, I have to wonder who among each of the other three gave Luke the authority to speak on their behalf. Seems a bit pretentious of him, otherwise. And as for the vampires, apparently the issue is that they don’t like werewolves, meetings, or rules, according to Luke. I think it’s more likely that they know better than to trust the Shadowhunters. Also, while they haven’t made any promises to Luke, he also hasn’t made any offer to them, either.

Such wonderful negotiating skills he has.

The other problem with this plan is that it requires Shadowhunter leadership to agree, but since Shadowhunters are supter racist, the chances of that happening are slim to none. But at least we’re acknowledging that they’re super racist.

Kinda.

Baby steps.

There’s a little argument over what chance they’d even have without the vampires, and the Portuguese lady basically outs herself as being anti-Downworlder, arguing that “Downworlders cannot be trusted.”

Which makes me wonder why she’s even here. Why didn’t she leave when Luke first explained his plan?

Plot Hole: 1

Luke points out that they all worked pretty well together back during Valentine’s Putsch. Portuguese lady points out that A) they were fighting the Circle, who were morons, and B) there’s a distinct possibility of those same people won’t just switch sides in the middle of the fight.

Why do the intelligent, reasonable people in these books always have to be assholes?

Papa Lightwood decides to speak up (possibly for the first time in this entire series, but I’m not interested in checking) and points out that Valentine literally just killed one of his kids, so there’s no way in hell that he’d work with Valentine.

And then, for no apparent reason, Portuguese lady argues that maybe they should join Valentine anyway.

Which side are you on? Make up your damn mind!

Plot Hole: 2

At least Amatis points out how crazy and stupid that stance is.

Luke, meanwhile, stands back, and we get his thoughts. Which aren’t very flattering. Namely how they’re “as bad as warring Downworlders.” Nice to see that “Uncle Tom” thing is still there. Point for consistency, if nothing else.

Our “Heroes”: 1

Also, apparently werewolves solve problems like this with violence. Not quite sure how to feel about that, though it doesn’t help with the “Werewolves/Downworlders are violent, primitive savages” thing.

Luke spots some movement off to the side and makes an excuse to investigate. Portuguese guy makes a racist comment to his wife, because CC is nothing if not subtle.

Turns out it’s Jace. Because we can only go so long without him popping up. And since this is presumably the same night as the last chapter, he’s of course still dressed in whits. And his outfit “[hits] Luke like a slap in the face.” Because apparently the Lightwoods – who Luke was literally just talking to – aren’t dressed the same?

I mean, it’s not like one of them literally mentioned the death of their son or anything.

Plot Hole: 3

Luke notes how serious and determined Jace looks, because Jace has totally seen some shit, man. Of course, this fails to explain why he acts like such an immature, petulant little child so often.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

There’s a bit of talk about Clary, then about Luke’s plan, but the short version is this: as much as the Shadowhunters hate the idea of giving Valentine what he wants, they’re still racist assholes, and would much rather continue being racist assholes.

Much to my surprise, Jace comes up with a semi-decent plan to address this dead-lock – give the Shadowhunters a deadline. At least then they’ll have to actively make a decision.

And apparently Luke has quite a bit of pull in the Downworlder community. Not quite sure why, though, given he’s a bit of a Quisling.

Supposedly, the Shadowhunters who spend time outside Shadowhunter Land are more open-minded in regards to Downworlders. I’m skeptical of this claim, however. As evidence, I present Exhibit A: Jace and the Lightwood family from New York, and Exhibit B: the two folks from Portugal.

Plot Hole: 4

But finally, we get to why Jace is here – he’s going to go after Sebastian and Valentine, and wants Luke to explain this to Clary. And he has to go alone, and in the middle of the night, because he needs to be the Big Damn Hero or something. And he can’t just leave a note because… reasons.

And of course Jace denies that he’s trying to be the big hero, because of course he is.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Luke tries to point out how this is both stupid and reckless, but Jace insists that he has to be the one to do this, and he has to do it alone, because… reasons. Luke then claims that Jace has “fought” his upbringing, to which I say bullshit.

This is followed by much angsting from Jace, which I’m going to skip over.

Jace says goodbye in Latin, because he’s a pretentious douche like that, and Luke drops a not-at-all subtle hint that Jace isn’t really Valentine’s kid. Because that’s just how CC rolls.

And end scene.

And the next scene has us back with Clary.

I’m sure you can just feel my joy.

She wakes up, and immediately knows that Jace is gone. She is sad. I don’t care.

Turns out Jace did leave a note, and it’s just as sappy as I expected it to be. He also left his ring, because… I have no clue. Reasons.

Clary gets dressed, and of course she gets all geared-up, because I guess she’s supposed to be a badass now or something.

Amatis, Isabelle, and Simon are in the kitchen. Isabelle is making pancakes. And I’m now bracing for the hilarious joke of Isabelle – a girl – being a bad cook.

Clary very quickly realizes that Simon spent the night with Isabelle, and has a flash of jealousy. Even though we’ve already established – and even she acknowledges – that Simon’s love life is none of her damn business.

Our “Heroes”: 2

Clary says she wants to talk to Isabelle alone, and we get to the “punch line”:

“So talk,” Isabelle said, poking at a misshapen object in the bottom of the frying pan that was, Clary feared, a pancake.

My god, but Clary can be such an ungrateful little shit sometimes. The girl made you pancakes. Without any prompting. You don’t complain when someone makes you pancakes.

Once it’s just the two of them, Clary shows Isabelle the note. To her credit, Isabelle is more exasperated than surprised, or even concerned about Jace’s decision to go after not-Sebastian on his own.

Clary really wants to try to track down Jace, but once again, they don’t have any means of doing so.

The reasonably astute among you will have probably already figured out the solution to this “dilemma.” But CC needs to milk this for a few more pages of “conflict,” so we’re stuck here.

Entirely Pointless: 1

(Side-note: ideally, you want characters to figure out stuff like this around the same time as the characters. “Around the same time” in this case meaning “a page or so before them.” As you can probably guess, that won’t be the case here.)

They argue about how – and even if – they should try to track down Jace. Clary seems to think Isabelle doesn’t care that Jace has basically gone on a suicide mission, and then mentions Max.

Big mistake.

So Isabelle unloads on Clary. For starters, they’re all probably going to die pretty soon. But, having grown up in a culture that basically trains everyone to fight – and presumably die – in this eternal battle, it’s really not quite as shocking.

(Side-note: I just want to point out that this idea – the eternal war, and everyone dying a hero – kinda map very well to the twelfth trait Umberto Eco describes as part of what he calls Ur-Fascism, i.e. the philosophy underlying all fascist movements. Given that until recently Shadowhunters had some very strict ideas about gender roles – trait 13 – suddenly all the Nazi-references I’ve made regarding the Shadowhunters fell a bit less funny.)

Moving on, Isabelle describes what Jace was like before meeting Clary. Simple version – he was basically an emotionally dead sociopath. I’d argue he still is, but whatever.

Also, it’s been about a month since the beginning of the first book.

So basically, all these hormonal theatrics have been one really wild summer. And yet somehow, I suspect I’m still supposed to have a significant emotional investment in these relationships.

I don’t. Then again, I had a similar reaction to reading Romeo & Juliet in high school, so maybe I’m just not that romantic.

CC – through Isabelle – spends a good chunk of time trying to play up Jace’s actions in the first book as being driven by some deep, profound love. I, on the other hand, think it was all about getting in Clary’s pants.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

More author-talk about how just being around Clary is torture for Jace. Because we must focus on how tragic it is that he has man-pain.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4

There’s a brief moment of clarity when Isabelle almost literally says that, despite Clary almost actively trying to avoid playing any role in what’s going on, she’s still somehow central to the plot of this series.

Then Simon pops in to come to Clary’s defense. God damnit, man, why? Why can’t you just let Clary – for once in this series – actually take some lumps?

But just as Clary starts to spill the beans about Jace, and all the stuff they learned on their little day-trip, Amatis bursts in to interrupt. Because we just have to drag out this drama a bit longer.

Someone’s showed up to see Clary. It’s her mom.

Cue dramatic sting. End chapter, and Part 2.

So, that’s the end of the second part of this book. Reminder – part 2 began with the attack on the city. Which honestly feels like a lifetime ago. Mostly because the last 2-3 chapters were a lot of very little happening over a very long time.

I’d say that it gets better, but “better” is a relative term. Yes, stuff happens, but… well, I think we’re all familiar with CC’s pacing by now.

See you guys next time.

Counts

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4 (Total: 64)
Entirely Pointless: 1 (Total: 12)
Our “Heroes”: 2 (Total: 74)
Plot Hole: 3 (Total: 14)
Rapier Twit: 0 (Total: 8)
You Keep Using That Word: 3 (Total: 106)
Shoddy World Building: 2 (Total: 29)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 ( Total: 2)
A Word From Our Sponsors: 0 (Total: 8)

Comment [5]

Hey, guys. Sorry I went on such a lengthy hiatus there. I spent pretty much all of October and November working on polishing up a novel in hopes of getting it published. But now that’s done, and I’ve taken some time to recover, it’s time to get back to the monkey on my back that is this book.

So, quick-ish recap before we get to the new stuff.

Clary and company have traveled to the Shadowhunter capital city for various reasons: Clary, because the person who can bring her mom out of that coma she’s been in since the first book (and which she remembered was a thing she actually cared about) is apparently in the Shadowhunter homeland; the Jace and the Lightwood family because the Shadowhunter leadership has found out that Big Bad Valentine is still alive, and they should maybe do something about it (I assume that Jace and Isabelle got brought along because the Lightwoods no longer have a live-in babysitter); and Simon and Luke because… they got dragged along, I assume because CC felt like it or something.

And a lot has simultaneously happened, and yet also not happened. It’s Schrödinger’s Plot, if you will. So, let’s see how much I can remember without having to check my notes:

There was some concern about Simon being in the Shadowhunter city, because Downworlders aren’t allowed there after dark, because Shadowhunters are racist. Alec thought he’d worked out a solution where Simon would get sent back to New York, but really, Simon was locked up and tortured by one of the leaders of the Shadowhunters and tortured, in an attempt to get him to claim that the Lightwoods have been working with Valentine all along.
Clary and Luke followed the Lightwoods using Clary’s “New Powers as the Plot Demands”:https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/NewPowersAsThePlotDemands ability, and after a long nature hike, managed to sneak into Shadowhunter City, despite Clary tripping balls at the time, because despite their authoritarian, anti-Downworlder stance, security around Shadowhunter city is nigh-on nonexistent. Due to the aforementioned Clary tripping balls, though, they had to take shelter with Luke’s estranged sister.
Clary recovers, and immediately goes off to find Jace. She does, and instead of getting to the issue about Simon being in danger, we get side-tracked into a fresh teen drama love-triangle, because apparently this is the only plot CC actually knows. In this case, it involved Clary walking in on Jace making out with new designated bad girl Aline. Clary’s upset because even though she and Jace are siblings, she still wants to jump his bones.
Clary responded to this by going off to find the guy who can help her mom with other new character and leg of the love triangle, Sebastian. Their quasi-date got weird at several points, for various reasons. Big point, though – Magnus (who’s there because… reasons) can cure Clary’s mom, but wants to keep the super-special magic book the cure is in as payment.
Meanwhile, Simon was getting much info-dumping from the guy in the next cell. Very “Count of Monte Cristo.” Also, Jace and the Lightwood kids start sneaking him blood so he doesn’t crack under pressure while they come up with a plan. None of which involves telling either Simon or Clary of the other’s presence.
Clary does find out about Simon, and leverages this into getting Jace help her locate the super-special magic book. Which was at the house Valentine was hiding out in while raising Jace. And he never found it, because he’s a moron. Clary and Jace find it easily, along with Valentine’s secret basement torture chamber, which is occupied by an actual fucking angel. The angel screams/info-dumps about how it got there, then the whole house collapses. Clary and Jace make it out (of course), and decide to go “fuck it” and make out for a bit before heading back to town.
Meanwhile, Valentine finally decided to get off his ass and had one or more of his flunkies disable the magical defenses around Shadowhunter city, and then sending in a horde of demons to wreck up the place. Also, in the midst of all this, the youngest Lightwood, Max (whose name I had to look up because he’s just that inconsequential of a character) got kidnapped and murdered. Because I guess CC needed to prove how “serious” and “adult” her books are, and decided the best way to do that was with child murder.
A lot of crazy shit happens. Aline gets grabbed by a possibly henti demon, and God alone knows what happened to her before Isabelle rescued her, but I doubt it was appropriate.
Alec went off to fight some demons, eventually meeting up with Magnus, and they worked out some of their relationship drama that’s been on the backburner this whole time.
Somewhere in this, Luke got back with his old pack and managed to talk/force them to help the Shadowhunters, because he’s either a Quisling, or is under the very mistaken impression that if they just keep being nice, the Shadowhunters will eventually stop treating them like shit.
Clary and Jace get back roughly in time to skip out on most of the actual danger.
Almost everyone meets up at Shadowhunter HQ. Clary decides that now might be the time to go rescue Simon, and gets Jace, Alec, and Sebastian to come along.
They manage to rescue Simon and his neighbor, who it turns out is Hodge. Hodge starts to info-dump about what’s really going on, and where the last McGuffin is, only to get killed by Sebastian, who – shock of shocks – is actually evil. He kicks the heroes’ collective asses, and then scarpers, because it’s way too soon for the big showdown with the Big Bad’s “Dragon.”:https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheDragon
The next day, while the dead are being seen to, we learn that Sebastian isn’t really Sebastian, but an imposter. Trust me, this will be important later. Well, semi-important. Mostly, he’s not who he said he was.
More importantly, Valentine showed up as a hologram in Shadowhunter HQ to offer his terms to everyone there: complete surrender, instituting himself as absolute ruler, and loyalty to him being magically enforced. I’m half-convinced he wants them to turn his offer down, just so he has an excuse to kill everyone that’s left.
Much angsting on the night before the big fight. Jace and Clary spend the night together, chastely holding hands. Meanwhile, Isabelle decides that the best way to get her mind off how guilty she feels about Max’s death is to shag Simon’s brains out.
At the same time, Luke gets some people together to try and hash out an agreement to get the Shadowhunters and Downworlders to fight together, because that’s the only way they’ll survive. And even some of the Shadowhunters who are supposedly the good ones are pretty racist. Also, Jace shows up, mostly so he can angst and inform the audience that once again, he’s going off to confront Valentine.
Next day, there’s much drama being made over if/how to track down Jace, because these characters are significantly dumber than the reader, and Clary’s mom shows up, awake and everything.

So that’s everything that’s happened.

Alright. Now, on to part 3 – the final part of this book.

Part 3 is titled “The Way to Heaven.” Because of course it is.

The quote for this section comes from the Siegfried Sassoon poem “The Imperfect Lover.”:https://www.bartleby.com/137/27.html

Oh yes, I know the way to heaven was easy.

And here’s the nice thing about this quote – I can actually read the poem in its entirety, and know for a fact that CC probably wasn’t actually interested in this line when in context.

So, let’s give some background. Sassoon served in the British army during the First World War. This particular poem was first published in 1919, so it was almost certainly written while he was serving. That brings some added meaning to lines like “you’ve learned to fear/ The gloomy, stricken places in my soul,/And the occasional ghosts that haunt my gaze.”

It’s pretty easy to tell, even from a single reading, that “The Imperfect Lover” is about a person who knows that their relationship is probably going to end, and end badly, because they’re so damaged. But the speaker (the damaged partner) is aware enough of how messed up they are, and has the emotional clarity to acknowledge that if/when their partner does end the relationship, it will be because of the speaker. And they accept that.

The “way to heaven” in this case basically means the partner ignoring all that, and pretending that everything is okay, and glossing over any problems.

… maybe CC did understand this. But I wouldn’t be surprised if her fans didn’t.

Anyway, on to chapter 16. The chapter’s title is “Articles of Faith.” Let’s see if this is in any way relevant to the content, either literally or metaphorically.

We pick up right where we left off, so that whole cliff-hanger ending of last chapter feels really annoying.

A Word From Our Sponsors: 1

Always nice to start out with one of those.

We get a summary of how Clary imagined her mom coming out of her coma would be like. Basically, she figured her mom would be exactly the same as she remembered. Jocelyn is not. Clary figured she’d be happy – she’s not. She’s not, because Clary is dressed in Shadowhunter gear. You’ll recall that Jocelyn worked very hard to keep Clary away from all this stuff.

So I’d say she’s entitled to have a negative reaction.

Isabelle steps in, because she has no idea what’s going on. For a minute, Jocelyn confuses Isabelle with her mother (there’s that generation xerox again), before introducing herself as Clary’s mom.

There’s some questions about this, and Jocelyn requests to speak to Clary alone, but no one’s having it. Clary asks how Jocelyn got there. Short version: Magnus popped back to New York, woke her up, then popped back to Shadowhunter land with her.

Then, for no apparent reason, Clary asks why Jocelyn never told her she had a brother. Even the narration acknowledges how weird and random this is.

Jocelyn’s answer? A) she thought he was dead, and B) she figured it’d be better to just not tell Clary. Clary is very upset with this answer. She’s also upset that Jocelyn never told her about Valentine, or any of the Shadowhunter stuff.

Gotta say, though, I’m not really feeling Clary’s side here. I mean, why would Jocelyn prepare Clary for a situation that she had no reason to expect would arise?

More angry Clary yelling at her mom. More talk about how nature trumps nurture. Because why bother being defined by what you do, when everything important about you can be determined at birth, right?

Jocelyn is clearly very hurt by all this, but of course the narration has to turn this back to Clary, because she feels bad for hurting her mom like this.

Our “Heroes”: 1

Clary starts tearing up, and rather than continue yelling at her mom (because that would only make Clary feel worse), she runs out the front door.

End scene.

Why did we have to have a chapter break between Jocelyn showing up and this? I mean, it’s just as dramatic a moment, and at least the next scene doesn’t pick up right from where this one leaves off.

And we jump over to Jace. He’s doing his best to track down not!Sebastian. And the best starting point he can think of is the stables.

(And yes, I’m going to continue to refer to him as that until we get an actual name for him)

Except that not!Sebastian didn’t take his horse with him. Jace figures it must be to avoid anyone using the horse to track him, but I’m inclined to think it’s because stealing a horse would probably draw some unwanted attention.

So instead, Jace steals the horse.

Our “Heroes”: 2

Oh, and even though it’s literally been years since he last rode a horse, and that he’s almost certainly grown a lot since then, he has no problem riding. Because of course he doesn’t.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

He then proceeds to ride to his old house. The narration says he manages this in two hours, by “riding at a near gallop” the whole way. Now, I don’t know a lot about horses, and I certainly have no first-hand experience with them, but I’m pretty damn sure that you really shouldn’t do that. I guess CC learned about horses from the same place that “Christopher Paolini did.”:https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SomewhereAnEquestrianIsCrying

But of course, despite all this, by the time Jace gets there, the horse only has “a light sheen of sweat” on it.

Moving on.

There’s no issues approaching the house, because apparently all the magical protections went down with the house itself. Jace has a quick flashback to growing up there. Not sure why this is happening now as opposed to last time.

Jace also “borrowed” (i.e stole) Alec’s not-wand, since Clary lost the one he’d lent her, and Alec can just get another one. Why Jace couldn’t just get another one himself is left unanswered.

Our “Heroes”: 3

You Keep Using That Word: 1

Un-Logic: 1

He uses the “borrowed” not-wand and the hair he snagged off of Clary’s coat to cast a locator spell. Why he chose to do this here as opposed to back at the stables two hours ago, given he had no idea where not!Sebastian is, I don’t know.

Un-Logic: 2

Further, I still don’t understand why he’s so damn set on keeping this a secret, when he could be doing this with backup. You know, so we can take Valentine down.

Un-Logic: 3

The spell basically works like a GPS, giving Jace a birds-eye view of a valley presumably where not!Sebastian is. And it’s only now that Jace understands how the Inquisitor managed to locate Valentine’s boat in the last book. Because Jace is an idiot.

Actually, quick correction – the spell isn’t like a GPS, it’s like a spy satellite. Because as he’s standing there, Jace’s vision zooms in on a house, and he sees not!Sebastian walk out. And we get this lovely description of him:

“his arrogance was plain in the way he walked, in the jut of his shoulders, the faint smirk on his face.”

Pot, meet kettle.

Jace then hops back on the horse, because he really doesn’t give a damn if he literally rides it to death.

Our “Heroes”: 4

End scene.

And we’re back with Clary again. Joy.

She’s up near the old Shadowhunter HQ/prison, staring out over the city. There’s mention of weather vanes, which are “rune-Marked” for some inexplicable reason.

You Keep Using That Word: 2

I honestly want to know what the purpose of this would be. I mean, a normal weather vane is perfectly capable of doing its job – showing which way the wind is blowing – without any magic or special technology involved. I guess it’s there because “magic”.

She’s apparently had a bit of a tantrum, which isn’t surprising. At least she had the sense to do it where no one would notice/care.

But now that she’s calmed down, she starts blaming Jocelyn for Jace’s behavior. Because god forbid Jace be forced to take responsibility for his own actions and decisions.

Simon pops up, because even CC understands that having a character mope alone will only maintain the reader’s interest for so long. So the solution is to give them someone to mope to.

We get an answer as to how Simon found Clary. He answers with an anecdote from when they were kids. Ultimate answer, though, is this:

“I know you,” he said. “When you get upset, you head for high ground.”

I… what?

I mean, fine, that’s Clary’s habit. So, why did he decide that the best place to go was here, rather than, say, the roof of the house? Could CC not come up with any other possible explanation?

Simon also brought Clary’s coat. Apparently she’s been really hard on it, because there’s now a hole in one elbow big enough to stick a finger through.

Clary asks if her mom sent him, but it turns out it was Luke. Simon then goes on to explain Luke’s whole ultimatum, because this is somehow relevant to her needing to head back.

No, I don’t understand it, either.

Un-Logic: 4

Clary, of course, is certain that the Shadowhunters will agree to Luke’s plan. Because no one would ever choose to side with someone like Valentine.

Apparently Clary needs to read up on the Weimar Republic. Especially the later years.

Then, for no apparent reason whatsoever, Clary asks Simon if he slept with Isabelle.

I mean, where the hell did that come from?

Simon says no, but also points out that it’s none of her damn business. I may be exaggerating somewhat, but the sentiment is there. Then Clary implies that doing so would be “taking advantage” of Isabelle. Simon points out pretty much no guy on the planet could “take advantage” of Isabelle, then obliquely notes that Clary’s trying to avoid talking about her own issues. So he asks her straight-out about how she feels about her mom.

Clary goes off on a whole thing, eventually getting to how mad she is about how much Jocelyn lied to her. But Simon has been paying attention, and points out that the first thing Clary asked about was having a brother.

Clary actually makes the argument that, had she known of Jace’s existence, she wouldn’t have fallen in lust with him. I may be taking some liberties, but the sentiment is there. And honestly, it’s crap. Because even if Clary had known that she had a brother, she would have believed he was dead. Because that’s what her mom believed.

That’s not how this shit works, Clary.

Un-Logic: 5

Simon doesn’t point that out, though, because that’s not the purpose of his character. No, instead he reassures Clary that Jace will totally come back, because their relationship is just that strong.

Thankfully, sunset comes, and Luke and his army of Downworlders show up. If nothing else, it provides a half-way decent excuse for a change of topic.

In this case, it’s Simon asking a question CC probably got asked a lot – since Clary can just make new magic runes, why doesn’t she just make one up to do whatever needs to be done? Like, destroy all the demons. Or kill Valentine.

Basically, the kind of questions an author should expect when they give a character vaguely defined powers.

And Clary’s answer is expectedly vague. Something about how she can only make runes that she can visualize the concept of. I think. Although, this fails to explain how she created the “no fear” rune or whatever it was in the last book – somehow she can “visualize” a concept like that, but “kill Valentine” is just too strange?

More likely answer in my opinion? CC didn’t really think through this whole “Clary can make new runes” power until it was already in the book. Possibly because none of her beta-readers brought it up.

There’s a lesson here – if you’re writing a book about people who use magic, make sure to devise the limits of it beforehand. Otherwise you end up in a situation like this.

The two sit there for a bit, chatting about nothing, watching the plot happen too far away for the reader to actually know what’s going on. Which kinda encapsulates this whole book, really.

They talk about stuff that should probably be obvious by now. Like that Simon doesn’t really feel cold weather now, or have actual body-heat. And that he’s immune to sunlight because he drank some of Jace’s special magic blood.

Which gets us to the topic of Jace. At least we’re getting this from Simon, so he rightly calls out how Clary basically creamed herself any time she was near him.

But then, it all falls apart. Because you see, Simon also realized that Jace really did love Clary, and that he wasn’t just trying to get into her pants like with all the other girls.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Clary of course assumes that this must have played a part in Simon becoming a vampire, but don’t worry, Simon is more than happy to absolve her of any possible guilt she might be feeling. Because god forbid Clary feel responsible for any bad thing that’s happened. Can’t have her experiencing guilt – that might mean she did something bad!

And then Simon transitions into how he doesn’t regret their failed attempt at dating, which elicits this response from Clary:

“I wanted it to work so much,” Clary said softly. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

Bull. Shit.

Relationships take effort. From all parties. Clary put little to no effort into that relationship. Hell, she barely puts any effort into the relationship she and Simon have now. I’ll grant that she never seems to actively want to cause Simon pain, but she doesn’t really seem all that interested in doing stuff that might help him.

But that wouldn’t gell nicely with the theme of “Clary is great, and wonderful, and can do no wrong.”

Ugh.

Anyway, sunset finally comes, and the Shadowhunters don’t open the doors to let the Downworlders in. I know – it’s shocking that an incredibly racist society might be willing to choose an objectively terrible solution when the other option might require them addressing and possibly remedying said racism.

And honestly, given how much the characters have been pounding away that the Clave will definately decide to take Luke’s deal, I have to wonder if anyone reading this for the first time was remotely surprised by this turn of events.

Clary then insists that Shadowhunters – even Valentine – don’t really hate Downworlders. No, they’re really just jealous of them. Because that totally makes sense.

Then she has a flashback to Valentine torturing that angel, specifically him going on and on about how Downworlders are just so much more powerful and whatnot than Shadowhunters, and it’s just not fair.

And then for some reason, Clary thinks about a rune she’s been having dreams about. I can’t recall if that’s been a thing in this book or not, and I really don’t feel like going through my notes/ previous sporkings to check, so we’ll just go with it. Anyway, she somehow figures out that it’s a rune for binding stuff.

She doesn’t explain any further, though, opting instead to just start running for wherever the Shadowhunter leadership is hanging out. Because somehow we have tension or something.

End scene.

Next scene picks up a few minutes later, with Clary wandering the city streets, because she seems to have gotten lost.

A Word From Our Sponsors: 2

I mean, come on.

(Also, that commercial is the one that One Million Moms complained about being on Hallmark, and generated a huge kerfuffle when they got it banned. Screw those ladies.)

Anyway, Clary’s lost, because she isn’t aware that older cities didn’t really do the whole “urban planning” thing. Or that, even if all the streets are laid out in a nice grid (like in Manhattan), that’s not really going to prevent you from getting lost.

Eventually, she manages to stumble into one of the few major landmarks that have been mentioned, and finds her way to city hall.

Where Simon is already waiting for her. Reminder: he’s spent most of his time in this city in a cell, while Clary was free to wander the streets. And no, I don’t buy that he only got there before her because he has vampire super-speed.

They go inside, finding many Shadowhunters within. There’s a lot of shouting going on, so I can only conclude that the Shadowhunter government functions more like the British Parliament than the US Congress.

Clary looks for Luke, and finds him off to one side. He’s tired, which I suppose makes sense, as he apparently spent much of the night dealing with this nonsense.

But instead of going over to Luke and getting an update on the situation, she musters up her courage (by thinking about Jace, natch)

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

and forces her way through the crowd and onto a central dias.

Of course, this big dramatic moment is undermined by everyone else in the room ignoring her. As they should.

But at least one person notices her – Malachi, the head Shadowhunter. Or Shadowhunter Prime Minister. Or whatever he is, because CC never really laid out how the Shadowhunter government actually works. Malachi responds as any decent government official would to a child stumbling into the main floor of a government building, and sends the guards to presumably escort her from the premises.

This somehow results in everyone finally noticing her. So Clary gives a big speech, the gist of which is “I’m Valentine’s daughter, and even though I only found out about him a few weeks ago, I totally know how to beat him.” Of course, she doesn’t bother to actually explain how, so Malachi tells her to get lost.

Then some guy named Patrick Penhallow (I think he’s another former not-Death Eater?) backs Clary because… reasons.

Un-Logic: 6

Clary brings up Malachi and the now-ex Inquisitor (the one who got offed last chapter, not the one from the previous book) threw Simon in a cell for… reasons.

Un-Logic: 7

This then segues to what happened on Valentine’s boat last book. I don’t see how these two points connect, except to maybe to undermine Malachi’s authority? Except that Shadowhunters are all super racist, so it’s not like they’d care.

Anyway, tells her story. Malachi doesn’t believe it, which kinda makes Jace’s whole “we can’t bring Clary to Shaowhunter land, they’ll want to figure out how her special powers work” thing seem pretty pointless.

Entirely Pointless: 1

There’s much arguing about Clary’s Sue-per powers, which consists pretty much of Clary explaining them, and Malachi calling her a liar. Then the Lightwoods show up, and Alec backs Clary and… Malachi calls her a liar again.

This whole thing seems pretty one-sided, honestly. And is easily resolved by Mama Lightwood proposing that they have Clary demonstrate said powers.

Of course, Clary freaks out at this prospect, because she doesn’t really understand how her powers work. Because CC didn’t really try to figure them out. And we need some more forced-tension.

But Clary gets a reassuring look from Simon, which triggers her thinking about Jace

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4

and she gets to work.

Clary draws a new rune, and does so entirely by instinct, because actually having to work to master a special power is for stupid people or something.

And… something happens. Everyone stares at her for a second, and then Clary says she knows what everyone saw, and that it couldn’t be done any other way except through some super-special new rune.

There’s just one problem – at no point is what Clary did explained.

And it’s only on going through this bit again that I can put together what she did. As near as I can tell, this fancy new rune made her look like whoever the viewer loved, based on some of the reactions – Luke sees Jocelyn, Amatis sees Stephen, and so on.

Now, why couldn’t this be explained? And how do we know that fairy magic or whatever couldn’t do the same? Because that sounds exactly like the kind of shit an evil fairy would pull.

But that’s me putting thought into this story.

Regardless, Malachi isn’t swayed. The Clave’s already decided to agree to Valentine’s demands, because of course they will. We still have to defeat another mini-boss before the big final confrontation, and Malachi is one of two options left.

Clary doesn’t take this well. She goes into a long-ass speech about how none of them remember what Valentine was like, despite having actually been there and interacted with him; but Clary, she knows what he’s like, even though she’s only actually interacted with him for maybe a few hours, total.

Clary and Malachi go at it for a bit, but the argument basically boils down to this:

Clary: Valentine is racist. Racism is bad.
Malachi: I’m also racist, and I don’t care.

And it’s only now that Clary figures out what the special new rune she’s been dreaming about does – it allows Shadowhunters and Downworlders to share their powers. It’s not a terrible idea, though I’m still questioning why the Downworlders would be willing to go along with this, save to make nice with the Shadowhunters – an act which I feel would be pointless, given their relations thus far.

So Clary asks the Shadowhunters to let her try out this fancy new rune on them, so they can all go off and fight Valentine together.

Also, somehow, she fails to notice that somewhere in her impassioned speech, she started staring at the ceiling. Don’t ask me how she failed to notice that; it’s a whole new level of obliviousness from Clary.

And that’s the end of chapter 16.

Honestly, I still don’t understand why that first scene had to be in this chapter. I mean, tacking it on to the end of the previous one, then having that chapter ending with Clary running off would probably have been just as good. Possibly better, since it would allow this one to open with more reflecting on that.

Well, regardless, I didn’t intend for this to come out so close to Christmas, but there it is. No promises on when the next installment will be out, but I do intend to finish this book.

See you folks around, and have a wonderful end-of-year holiday season.

Counts

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4 (Total: 68)
Entirely Pointless: 1 (Total: 13)
Our “Heroes”: 4 (Total: 78)
Plot Hole: 0 (Total: 14)
Rapier Twit: 0 (Total: 8)
You Keep Using That Word: 2 (Total: 108)
Shoddy World Building: 0 (Total: 29)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 ( Total: 2)
A Word From Our Sponsors: 2 (Total: 10)

Comment [2]

Hey, folks. I said I’d be back at this, and here I am.

I know the last one dropped right before Christmas, and I decided to take the holiday’s off. And I fully intended to get right back to this, but then, I always intend to do that after posting one of these.

But in my defense, about two days after New Year’s, the whole world went a little nuts, and it’s only just settled back down as I’m writing this. It’s been a crazy week, fam.

But enough of my excuses. We have the possibility of a plot to get to!

Then again, given that the title for this chapter is “The Shadowhunter’s Tale,” I’m expecting that this chapter will be just one big info dump. It’s about that point in the book, after all.

The chapter starts with Clary sitting outside current Shadowhunter HQ… looking out over the skyline.

Again.

Look, CC, I don’t need you to re-establish where we are every time you start a new chapter. I know it’s been weeks since I last picked this book up, but I still have a general idea of where we are.

Simon is also there, and he’s pacing. But his footsteps are silent, because he’s a vampire. Because that’s how sound works, or something. I’ll give Simon this, though – at least I can grasp his mental state right now. I have no idea how Clary feels, and we’re in her POV.

Quick catch-up – Clary and Simon have been kicked out so the adults can discuss Clary’s proposal. Not sure why we had to skip that, or why we had to wait until several paragraphs in to learn this.

And once again, instead of getting to see the interesting, important stuff, we’re stuck at the kids’ table. Which would be fine, except that instead of deciding to do something, the kids are content to sit back and wait around.

Simon considers climbing up one of the stone pillars to get a better view of inside, to which Clary responds, “you’re a vampire, not Spider-Man.”

Because apparently Clary’s never read Dracula.

But it seems that CC has, because Simon does exactly what he said. To which Clary responds that he is Spider-Man. And Simon replies that, if he’s Spider-Man, then Clary is Mary Jane. Because Clary’s got red hair.

I’d add that she’s also pretty much useless in practical terms, but that might just be in the Sam Rami films. Don’t @ me, you know I’m right.

Simon climbs back down, because he can’t really see much from that high. Kinda leaves me wondering why we had this moment, other than to maybe tease any Clary/Simon shippers.

Entirely Pointless: 1

But since we’re done with… whatever just happened, the doors open, and Jocelyn comes out. I’d like to know when Jocelyn showed up, because I feel like that would have also gotten a reaction from the folks inside. But I guess since that doesn’t involve Clary, it’s not important.

Jocelyn greets Simon, and he’s much more civil to her than Clary was. Then she asks to speak to Clary in private.

For starters, she apologizes to Clary for… all the shit she unintentionally put her through, I guess. Which, okay, fine. Doesn’t justify Clary’s reaction, though.

Also, she apparently considered making paintings of Shadowhunter City, but decided not to, because she was afraid that Clary would start asking questions about it. Because I guess it never occurred to her to simply lie about it and say she just imagined it. Because no artist ever just painted something they’d imagined, with no real reference to reality.

Nope.

And now we address Jocelyn being there. Seems she snuck into the meeting, not caring how her simply being there might cause a ruckus. I’m starting to see where Clary got her “why should I care about other people?” attitude from.

And this leads into praising Clary for being awesome, because of course.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Jocelyn asks to see the new rune Clary’s come up with, so Clary shows her. It’s described as “simple and complex at the same time,” and I have to wonder how the hell that works. I could understand seemingly complex, but a symbol being both simple and complex?

Words mean things, CC.

Jocelyn is amazed, because she wanted so hard to metaphorically bind the Shadowhunters and Downworlders together, and now her daughter is doing that in a very literal sense. I find this claim a bit hard to swallow, given who she married. Like, did she somehow not know that her husband was a genocidal maniac?

Also, she knew that the club Clary went to at the beginning of the first book was a place Downworlders hung out, and thus Shadowhunters might be there as well. And that’s why she didn’t want Clary going there.

When did this happen? As near as I can tell, her issue was more that Clary was out super late, and didn’t even bother to call her. CC, you can’t just go and retroactively add details like this. And yes, I complain about this from other, better authors too – if you wanted to include certain details, you should have put them there to begin with, whether it’s something like this, or the sexual orientation of a major character (and yes, that is aimed at J. K. Rowling).

But now that Jocelyn has seen and heard just how strong Clary is (gag), she’s willing to tell her the truth, regardless of how unpleasant it might be.

So basically, we’re now going to get a big info dump from Jocelyn. Well, at least we aren’t suddenly shifting from third-person to first-person.

For some reason, Clary thinks about this line: “the Law is hard, but it is the Law.” And she somehow owes it to Jace to get the whole story.

I don’t see how that first bit connects to the second, but it did give CC the chance to drop some faux-philosophical nonsense and Random Capitalization into the text.

You Keep Using That Word: 1

So Clary opens up with a big one – how did Jocelyn end up marrying a guy as psychotic as Valentine.

I’ll spare you guys the version CC provides, and give it to you in simplified form: back in their school days, Valentine was basically James Potter – smart, charming, generally amazing. Men wanted to be him, women wanted to be with him. And I’ll give CC this much – she didn’t have Jocelyn be Lily, aka the one girl who wasn’t impressed by this guy. No, she was another adoring fangirl as well. And was totally overwhelmed when he decided to hook up with Jocelyn, the unpopular, plain girl.

Yeah, turns out Jocelyn was also a “oh, I’m so plain and not pretty at all, please ignore the fact that all the guys around me are in love with me” Sues as well.

I’d also point out that Jocelyn also best friends with Luke, who I’ll remind you was Valentine’s super-best friend. So I have some doubts as to how unpopular she actually was.

Clary’s response to all this is to think “_Gross_.” Hey, you wanted the whole story. But at least she has enough self-control to not blurt that out.

Also, Clary compares how her mom speaks about Valentine to how she thinks about Jace.

With absolutely no hint of irony at all.

More backstory. Jocelyn and Valentine got married before either of them were twenty. Clary is shocked by this, but Jocelyn explains that, given how Shadowhunters don’t usually die of old age, getting married young is pretty standard.

And credit where due, this makes sense. At least there’s an explanation for this, unlike in the Harry Potter books, where wizards – who regularly seem to live to be well over a century old – for some reason seem to get married and start having kids shortly after finishing school.

At about eighteen years of age.

Anyway, back to backstory. The only person not totally enamoured with Valentine was Madeleine, the walking plot device. Apparently she was one of Jocelyn’s other friends, but rather than listen to her, Jocelyn just assumed she was jealous.

After getting married, Valentine and Jocelyn moved out to her parents’ place in the country*, along with the rest of his quasi-fascist friends, which gave them the benefit of getting them out of the watchful eye of Shadowhuter leadership. It’s also vaguely cult-like, what with being surrounded only by members of the in-group, and what sounds a bit like love bombing.

*(mention of this has the side-effect of reminding me of just how obscenely wealthy all these people are, and it’s getting my Marx up)

Clary continues to be amazed at how her mom didn’t immediately see that Valentine was a bad guy. It’s almost like he was very, very good at hiding his actual feelings.

You know, like a sociopath.

More backstory. Valentine became something of a revolutionary figure. He talked about reforming old, outdated laws. He wanted Shadowhunters to focus more on fighting demons than maintaining secrecy – even making their existence publically known.

And they’re not… terrible ideas, at least not on the surface. There’s an undertone of maybe wanting to establish Shadowhunters as a privileged class or something, but nothing too overt.

But then, even the bad revolutionary movements usually start with some good ideas.

Jocelyn talks about getting pregnant, and Valentine’s not-so-subtle emerging misogyny. Then we get her take on Luke becoming a werewolf, which I’m just going to skip, because we already have the general points.

More germain to the topic was that, after Luke’s apparent suicide, Jocelyn developed depression. But apparently Shadowhunters don’t really “get” depression, at least not on the clinical level. Which is odd, because they’re such a warrior society – you’d expect a good number of them to have PTSD or something. I’m not sure what that says about their society that don’t, but I can bet it’s not good.

Somewhere in this period, Valentine may have started experimenting on Jocelyn. I say “may” because it’s not entirely clear – he was s giving her weird concoctions, and they were giving her nightmares, and she was sleeping all the time. There’s mention of Valentine’s cult-like control of his followers, specifically when he had Stephen divorce his wife and get remarried, which I feel is only here for context, because it’s really not important to the narrative.

And then we get to Jocelyn giving birth.

Seems Jocelyn was all happy and joyful… right up until baby Jace first opened his eyes. Then she felt this instinctive sense of revulsion, that “every nerve in [her] body was crying out that this was not [her] baby.” Because moms can just know that, apparently. And the first time baby Jace heard his name – Jonathan – Jocelyn saw its eyes went completely black.

Because that’s what passes for foreshadowing in these parts.

And the whole time, Clary’s reaction to this is to be horrified. Not at what she’s hearing, but at her mother’s reaction. Because she’s describing baby Jace, after all.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

Clary – unsurprisingly – tries to kinda gaslight her mom. Because she couldn’t possibly be describing Jace. She must have just imagined it all. Please disregard the fact that this is a world where magic and demons are known to exist, and we know the child’s father was performing experiments on an angel he happened to have chained up in his basement.

Anyway, Jocelyn was also gaslit by Valentine, to the point where she was considering committing suicide. Which is pretty fucked up.

Luckily, she got a magic fire telegram from Ragnor Fell – apparently he was their go-to guy for magical healing, because Shadowhunter hypocrisy knows no bounds – informing her that Luke was alive. We get a nice big paragraph going over this, because I guess CC needed to fill out her word count a bit.

Interesting tidbit, though – Valentine seems to have set up Luke to get bitten, because Jocelyn had told Luke about hearing screams in the house. And then Valentine pulled the same mind-fuckery Jocelyn did with Clary to make her forget about all that.

Yes, CC, we get it – Valentine is a really bad guy. You can stop laying it on with a trowel.

Moving on, Jocelyn wanted to tell Luke about baby Jace, but didn’t. Instead, she decided to make another go at feeling affection for her child. And then, one night, she woke up to the sound of a baby crying. Which was odd, because baby Jace never cried.

And as someone who’s been around infants, I can tell you, that’s genuinely weird.

But the noise wasn’t coming from baby Jace. So Jocelyn followed it, eventually reaching the wine cellar, which just happened to be locked.

For some reason, Jocelyn takes this opportunity to give a quick rundown of the Bluebeard fairy tale. Because that’s what’s really needed right now.

Anyway, Jocelyn got the key and unlocked the door. But instead of a baby, she found a bunch of demons chained up in the basement. Because if I’m an evil psychopath performing secret experiments, I’m going to keep my specimens in the basement, where my wife – who has no knowledge of my activities – might uncover it with minimal effort.

Just saying, it seems kinda dumb, especially with all the land they apparently have.

So, yeah. Jocelyn stumbled into Valentine’s Dr. Mengele playroom. Lots of creatures, lots of torture. Also, Valentine tried injecting himself with demon blood, believing that it would heighten Shadowhunter abilities. Only he just ended up getting sick. And since Shadowhunters apparently don’t grasp the scientific method, he concluded that it was because he was too old, rather than the weird story he read somewhere not being true.

So of course he decided to try these same experiments on his wife and unborn child.

And Jocelyn didn’t take Valentine’s notes, run to the authorities, and have the psycho locked up because… reasons.

Oh, she says she had two reasons to stay. But that’s shit. Stuff about meeting with Luke to fight back against the Circle, not wanting Luke to fly into a rage and get killed with trying to take Valentine down, that sort of thing.

Still doesn’t explain why she didn’t just go to the authorities, though.

So Jocelyn faked having had a change of heart. She’d take baby Jace over to the Lightwoods’ to play with baby Alec, and occasionally seeing Celine Herondale – second wife of Stephen Herondale – who was very pregnant, and getting all kinds of medical stuff from Valentine.

Because CC is really, really bad when it comes to foreshadowing.

Also, when Stephen died, Mrs. Herondale II committed suicide. While being well into her third trimester. Jocelyn notes that Valentine was hit pretty hard by their deaths.

Again, CC is really bad at foreshadowing.

Then we learn how Jocelyn got her coma potion. Because it’s very, very important to address every little thing that any fan might ask questions about.

Clary finally asks what the other reason Jocelyn stuck around was, and has to be reminded that Jocelyn was pregnant at the time. Because she’s kind of an idiot.

And I’ll admit that this is somewhat of a better explanation. Not great, but I can kind of accept it.

But that about wraps up the backstory, so Clary takes this opportunity to argue that, no, Jace is totally not like how she described him. Not at all. Clary definitely isn’t blinded by teenage hormones, nope.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

Oh, but wait! There’s more!

See, it seems that Jocelyn was at least semi-conscious while in her magical coma. And that Valentine talked to her while he had her locked up. Which isn’t weird or creepy at all.

Also, he’d gotten angel blood and did some experiments with that. Seems when he injected himself with some, he felt really good. So, when Jocelyn got super depressed, he tried slipping some to her.

Dude, you could have just slipped into Amsterdam and gotten her some weed or something. Much less hassle.

And this maybe-kinda-sorta explains how Jocelyn was able to hide the MacGuffin cup in a card, and some of the stuff Valentine can do. This certainly isn’t an ass-pull. Nope.

Also, Valentine’s been experimenting on himself for years, but despite this, he’ll never be as super-special awesome as Clary or Jace.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 5

One for each of them.

Jocelyn recounts what Valentine said about their son. He described him as an amazing fighter, but also “cruel and amoral and strangely empty.” Which sounds about right to me.

Of course, Clary denies this whole-heartedly.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 6

But then we get the big reveal – Jocelyn hasn’t been talking about Jace!

No, Jace is actually the son of Stephen and Celine Herondale. So all that super-unsubtle foreshadowing didn’t even survive the chapter.

See, Valentine was intentionally doing the same experiment of Celine that he’d done on himself, but with angel blood. And when Celine killed herself, Hodge managed to save the baby, until Valentine faked his death.

But more importantly, Jace and Clary aren’t siblings, so it’s totally okay for them to bang.

Also, the remains they found that lead everyone to believe that Valentine and his son were dead? Those were the real Michael Wayland and his son. So add that to the list of crazy, evil shit Valentine’s done.

Moving on, Valentine raised both Jace and Jonathan in separate houses, somehow managing to keep the existence of the other a secret, along with the fact that he was, you know, not dead.

Because fuck it, why not?

Clary is still focused on the important part, though – Jace. And not only does he not have demon blood, he also has super-special angel blood. Because of course he does.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 7

I mean, we already established this, what with the “feeding her potions and shit with angel blood”, but I guess Clary wasn’t paying attention to that.

Clary spends the better part of a paragraph thinking about how the two kids Valentine was raising were polar opposite twins or whatever (and there definately weren’t any dirty thoughts in there, nope), but eventually asks if Jonathan might have somehow turned out to not be evil.

Jocelyn doesn’t think so. Apparently Valentine had to spend years teaching him to act less like a sociopath so that he could act as Valentine’s spy, even teaching him some magic to make people like him.

And I have to ask – are you sure you’re not talking about Jace? Because all of that could easily apply to Jace.

Also, another non-reveal at this point – Sebastian is actually Jonathan.

Clary is, also unsurprisingly, baffled by this. Because she’s an idiot.

Jocelyn gives a big explanation of how she figured all this out, and how Seb/Jon managed to shut down the wards guarding the city: the only way to shut them down was with demon blood, and he’s got demon blood in his veins.

Clary has a quick flashback to her date with Seb/Jon, and figures that the reason he got so worked up over Valentine is because he was jealous that Valentine liked Jace more than him. Because everyone must like Jace the most.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 8

And on top of that, we get a call-back to Clary’s drawing from the first book, and Clary’s now certain that she was really drawing Seb/Jon, because they must share some special connection because they’re siblings or something.

CC, please stop trying to pretend that you really had this whole thing planned out, and that that was foreshadowing. Because I’m not buying it.

Moving on. Clary wants to tell all this to Jace. And she definatley means the “not really being Valentine’s son, special angel blood, Sebastian is evil” stuff, and not the “we’re not siblings, so we can totally bang” stuff. Definitely.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 9

The important, off-screen stuff finishes, just so Luke can come out. We get a not-at-all subtle hint that Luke and Jocelyn are/want to bang (and is actually very subtle for this series), but more relevant to the plot, the Shadowhunters have agreed to Clary’s plan.

Because that’s all it really took – the Mary Sue protagonist getting involved.

At least, that’s what I assume. Because instead of seeing the debate, we spent the whole chapter on a giant backstory/info dump, with a side helping of non-reveals that the characters spent exactly zero effort working for.

But at least it’s over. And there’s only three chapters and the epilogue left.

[checks notes]

How the hell do I have ten pages of notes left?

Well, I’ll see you all next time. At least there shouldn’t be any more big plot blocks.

Counts

Both Hands Ma’am: 9 (Total: 77)
Entirely Pointless: 1 (Total: 14)
Our “Heroes”: 0 (Total: 78)
Plot Hole: 0 (Total: 14)
Rapier Twit: 0 (Total: 8)
You Keep Using That Word: 1 (Total: 109)
Shoddy World Building: 0 (Total: 29)
No Shit Sherlock: 0 ( Total: 2)
A Word From Our Sponsors: 0 (Total: 10)

Comment [5]

Hey, folks. Happy Valentine’s Day, for those celebrating. Here’s what I got for you – another sporking of City of Glass.

We’ve gotten past what should be the last of the info dumps, and the needless drama, so it should just be a more or less straight-shot to the end.

There’s only two chapters and the epilogue left after this.

And I still have almost ten pages of notes. For reference, I have a total of 48 pages of notes on this book. In 12 pt, single-spaced bullet points.

Okay. Let’s go.

Chapter 18’s title is “Hail and Farewell.” No, I don’t know why. And honestly, at this point I’m wondering why CC decided to even go with named chapters. Numbers work just fine.

We’re in Jace’s POV. Feel my joy.

He’s reached the valley his magic scrying vision thing showed Sebastian/Jonathan being in. BTW, since Jace doesn’t know that Sebastian is actually Valentine’s real son, so he’s still referring to him as Sebastian. So I’ll do the same, for the sake of consistency.

Or something.

Anyway, Jace tries his vision/scrying spell again, but this time it doesn’t work.

So he tries again. No dice.

And then…

Okay, you guys need to read this bit for yourselves:

Eventually, cursing, he opened his eyes – and then, in a fit of desperate anger, his fist; the wind picked up the thread and carried it away

I mean, how does one angrily open a fist? I get clenching a fist in anger – it’s from a desire to cause harm. But opening your fist?

Un-Logic: 1

It’s been a bit since the last one of these. And it won’t be the last in this chapter. Not even this scene.

So Jace thinks about how the spell he was using works. Apparently, it can be disrupted by large bodies of water.

Which both tracks, and doesn’t track with the established facts. On the one hand, it explains why the Shadowhunters in the last book were having so much trouble finding Valentine – his boat was parked in the middle of a river. But conversely, didn’t we establish that this is the same spell the Inquisitor used to track Jace to said boat?

Am I missing something?

Or is this just really poor design?

Whatever, I’m still calling it.

Plot Hole: 1

Jace is getting a bit mad, because for perhaps the first time in his life, things really aren’t going his way. But then he has the brilliant idea to head inside the nearby house – that he already knew was there – to search for clues.

Gosh, what an astonishing idea.

No Shit, Sherlock: 1

Not sure if that technically meets my previous definition, but I’m going with it for now.

But before that, he decides to slap on a few pre-combat temporary tats.

You Keep Using That Word: 2 (“Mark”)

If nothing else, though, he leaves the horse behind, and he heads into the valley.

There’s a quick description of how Jace switches between carefully climbing down, and sliding down, and ends up scraping his hands on loose gravel. If nothing else, I get some small joy out of his discomfort.

He cleans up, and then…

Sorry, you have to see this, too:

When he straightened up and looked around, he realized he was now regarding the valley from a different angle than he’d had in the tracking vision.

Uh, duh?

No Shit, Sherlock: 2

I mean, the spell gave him a birds-eye view, and now he’s seeing it from the ground. The map is not the territory.

But the big point here is that, from this angle, he can now see a house, hidden by some trees.

Wait, didn’t he come down here to check out a house? I thought we already knew about this house.

[flips back]

Yep. The narration definately says that Jace saw a house from his previous position.

So, is this an editing mistake? What?

Plot Hole: 2

Anyway, the house is old and in disrepair. It’s also empty. Jace looks through the window and sees a bunch of warlock stuff, including a pentagram that looks similar to the one Valentine used to trap that angel.

Jace hops off the window sill “just as a shadow [passes] across the fact of the moon.”

He somehow knows that it isn’t just a regular bird, though. How? Reasons.

Un-Logic: 2

But of course, he’s right, because Jace is always right. The bird is Hugo. And Jace also knows… somehow… that Hugo used to belong to Valentine. Don’t ask me when he learned this, because I can’t for the life of me remember.

Jace hides, while the bird looks through the window. After a minute, the bird flies off, and Jace follows.

Honestly, I don’t understand why the bird was needed. Hell, why is this scene here? Could we not have cut this and just jumped to what happens next, covering this bit with a quick bit of narration? Why is this here?

Entirely Pointless: 1

Anyway, that’s the end of the scene.

Next scene has us in Clary’s POV.

It starts with Simon noting that, even though she and Jace aren’t siblings, she still made out with her brother.

I’m a bit torn over this. On the one hand, this really isn’t the time for this stuff; but on the other, I’m generally in favor of giving Clary shit. So we’ll call it a wash.

They’re inside the Shadowhunter HQ/town hall/civic center now, and Clary’s sitting on some fancy throne thing. Because why wouldn’t she get the special chair?

Anyway, the Downworlders have arrived, including the New York werewolf pack. Don’t ask me how they got here, though.

Apparently Clary gave Simon a short version of what her mom told her, but given CC’s writing style, I somehow doubt it was all that short. But I will give her credit for not including that scene.

Then the narration gives us this lovely tid-bit:

It was weird being up here, looking down on the room as if [Clary] were the queen of all she surveyed.

Yep. Definitely on a throne.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Clary also insists that Sebastian/Jonathan was a terrible kisser, which gets her more weedling from Simon. I’m still not complaining.

Jocelyn shows up and starts going all mother-hen on Clary. Didn’t we make some point about her suddenly acting like a huge badass? Which is it? Or is the problem that Jocelyn’s personality was so poorly developed to begin with?

And again, I’m a bit torn on this. On the one hand, I don’t like that we’ve got “super badass” Jocelyn acting like this; but on the other, she’s embarrassing the hell out of Clary.

Jocelyn waves for Luke to come over, and there’s a bit about Clary being weirded out that her mom is apparently famous among Shadowhunters. CC, it’s too late for you to try introducing the “MC is/is related to some famous person but didn’t know it” element. Just keep things moving.

Luke comes over to explain what’s up. Malachi is still being a pain, apparently. Luke also made an analogy to playing cricket in regards to being “sporting”, which is just… what? Why? Of all the possible sports to pick, why cricket?

Did CC forget that her fantasy country isn’t in England?

Magnus and some random fairy dude show up, and ask to see the fancy new rune-spell thing. Clary says she needs some paper, and Simon obliges, pulling a flyer for a gig his band played in July.

And once again, I’m reminded of just how much I’d rather be reading about what Simon and his band are up to. I mean, they played at a place called “the Knitting Factory.” What’s the Knitting Factory? How did it go? Were they paid, or did they get “exposure”?

Oh well. They explain how it works, and then start passing it around to the crowd.

Fairy guy asks a pertinent question: since Shadowhunter magic doesn’t play well with non-Shadowhunters, how will Downworlders react to this?

Clary’s answer is to pull an answer out of her ass.

Magnus offers himself up as a test subject for Clary, but evidently that’s not how this one works – it binds the Shadowhunter who draws it to the Downworlder they draw it on. Also, Clary’s not going to be fighting. Which is probably a good thing, because she’d only be a liability.

So instead, Magnus suggests Luke and Jocelyn do it. He even points out that they’re practically married at this point. Jocelyn hesitates, but Clary facilitates.

Nothing bad happens, and fairy guy is satisfied.

Also, there’s been at least four uses or variations of the word “Mark” in this little bit, but I didn’t feel like breaking up the flow.

You Keep Using That Word: 6 (“Mark”)

And it’s at this point that we learn that fairy dude is the same guy that Isabelle was dating in the last book. I’m sure CC was trying to go for “it’s the big finale, so we bring back all the bit-players from earlier in the series”, but honestly, it feels more like she couldn’t/didn’t want to come up with another character, even for such a small part.

After Simon brings up Isabelle dumping him, fairy dude asks if Simon is here representing the vampires. It seems that they’ve decided to sit this whole thing out. This concerns fairy dude, because vampires are crafty or tricksy or whatever, so them avoiding this makes him nervous.

Also, this whole time they’ve been using the term “Night Children” instead of vampire, because I guess we have to be pretentious.

You Keep Using That Word: 9 (“Night Children”)

And now I kinda want someone to write UF vignette or something about politically correct language for non-humans. Something including stuff like “v-word privileges” and “you can’t use that, that’s our word.”

(Note to self: write that fic if it doesn’t exist)

Moving on, Simon spots something near the door, and Clary spots Isabelle. She asks Simon to tell Isabelle and Alec about Sebastian/Jonathan. Because they need to know for… reasons.

And Clary can’t tell them, because… reasons.

Magnus has apparently been listening in on their chat. Way to be a creeper, dude. But he’s also talking to Luke about the battle plans, and has set up a portal in town square.

You Keep Using That Word: 10 (“Portal”)

However, he doesn’t know how long it’ll stay, so everyone needs to get through quick once they’ve got the new rune-spell thing.

You Keep Using That Word: 11 (“Mark”)

Sounds to me like you should have waited until after everyone got it, but that’s just my take.

After that, Clary thanks Magnus for helping her mom. We get a brief glimpse of book 1 Magnus, in that he’s amused that Clary thought he’d go back on his promise.

An accusation which Clary confirms, and points out that he didn’t mention that Simon got dragged along with everyone else to Shadowhunter land.

You Keep Using That Word: 12 (“Portal”)

Magnus counters by pointing out that, had he done that, Clary would have gone tearing out to rescue Simon. I think he seriously overestimates just how much she cares about him.

Also, Magnus needed Clary to get the magic book.

Clary calls him ruthless for that. Magnus says he wouldn’t have blamed Clary for doing that, and admits that he would have done the same. He also points out that him being able to manipulate her that easily isn’t because she’s “weak” (though I’d say she is), but because he’s been around a long time, and he’s kinda got people figured out.

Clary basically drops the subject, asking why Magnus hasn’t asked Alec to be his date for prom be his partner. Magnus says that he wouldn’t do that with Alec’s parents around.

Which prompts this response from Clary:

“Doing the right thing because you love someone sucks sometimes.”

I just… what?

I mean, I guess I get the sentiment – Magnus doesn’t want to out Alec as gay by accident, especially now. But that just… feels like such an odd way to make that point.

Whatever. End scene.

Next scene has us back with Jace. He’s following the bird.

And given how we know that this bird definitely belongs to Valentine, is probably smarter than the average bird, and is very clearly moving slowly towards whatever its destination is, I might come to the conclusion that it both knows Jace is following it, and wants him to continue to do so.

So of course this does not occur to Jace.

I swear, if he wasn’t the Designated Protagonist, or this series were slightly more gritty, Jace would be dead by now.

So the bird leads Jace to stream. Jace follows up the stream, and briefly loses sight of the bird, only to see it fly into a cave.

Seriously. Dude. The bird knows you’re there. It wants you to follow it. This is very clearly a trap.

But again, this doesn’t occur to Jace, and he walks into the cave.

And just to prove how much of an idiot Jace is, he somehow confuses light from his magic glowy rock reflecting off of the cave walls and ceiling for being stars.

Oh, and we also get this bit of description:

The stars never shone anywhere else the way they shone in Idris – and they weren’t shining now.

Like, what?

I mean, I can grasp that there’s probably not nearly as much light pollution in Shadowhunter land as in most other places, but that doesn’t mean it’s immune to general air pollution as well.

I can pretty much guarantee that you’d get just as spectacular a view if you went camping out in the desert.

Moving on, Jace sees the tunnel branch off ahead of him, and thinks about the story of Theseus and the Minotar.

Except that he doesn’t mention it by name, instead deciding to describe an unnamed hero entering a maze, using twine to find his way out. And either Jace or CC isn’t aware that there’s only the one story with that particular element in it, at least as far as I’m aware.

Regardless, Jace stops to listen, and hears some voices coming from the tunnel to his left. He actually does a somewhat smart thing and turns the light on his magic glowy-rock down before heading in that direction.

End scene.

Next scene is from Simon’s POV. That alone makes it a big step up.

Simon’s telling Alec and Isabelle all the stuff Clary told him to. Thankfully, we get to skip the actual reveal, and jump straight to Isabelle and Alec’s response. And judging by this, he only got to the “Jace isn’t Valentine’s son” bit.

And honestly, both Alec and Isabelle are far too interested in Jace’s parentage, at least at this juncture. I mean, does this really change their feelings towards him? Because in every way that actually matters, Valentine was Jace’s father. He couldn’t donate Valentine a kidney, but he still had a lot of lessons and values instilled in him by Valentine.

But again, now really isn’t the time to be discussing this.

There’s some speculation as to who Jace’s father is, before Simon blurts out the answer. Alec starts to say something about it explaining something the Inquisitor did in the last book, but drops off because we need to maintain some tension or something. But the in-book explanation is that Alec – for no apparent reason – started thinking about Magnus and how he’s been meaning to ask him to be his partner.

Simon tells Alec where he saw Magnus, but Magnus has disappered.

And then we get this line from Isabelle:

“It’s like a cotillion, this partners business, except with killing.”

Like… why? Why would you make that comparison?

Okay, I gotta do a quick side-bar with this.

So, I’m from the South, so I’m aware of what cotillion is, though neither I nor anyone I know ever took part in it to my knowledge. But as far as I’m aware, cotillion isn’t really a “thing” outside the South, at least not by that name.

So having a character like Isabelle, who has presumably spent much of her life in New York City – not to mention being part of a secret magical society – feels weird.

I mean, I’d buy something like a debutante ball, which is essentially the same thing, given that Shadowhunter land is in Europe.

Or, better yet, why not just say “prom”? That’s something I’d expect is universal – or at least a big enough part of the cultural zeitgeist – to get the same point across.

So for all that, I’m giving it one of these.

Shoddy World Building: 1

Simon tries valiantly to rescue this line and give it some kind of purpose, but it just doesn’t work.

“So, exactly like a cotillion,” said Simon.

Nice try, but it’s not going to work.

Isabelle insinuates that she’ll partner up with Simon. Alec is none too pleased by this, and tries to put his foot down by saying that she’s not going. Then he gets distracted by someone he thinks is Magnus, but whom Isabelle clarifies as being Maia (though she gets her name wrong, which I feel is just petty).

Also, I feel there’s a “Shadowhunters are racist” point in there. And not just racist against Downworlders, but racist in general. Like, how do you confuse a Latinx girl with an Asian guy?

I’m not going to ding it, though, because there’s at least a semblance of it being accidental.

Anyway, Maia spots Simon and smiles at him. Simon smiles back. And Isabelle goes all mean-girl, because CC insists on shoving high school drama bullshit into every possible nook and cranny of these books.

Alec spots Magnus and runs off, giving Isabelle a chance to talk about him behind his back. Mostly she notes how it’s unlikely that Magnus will take their relationship seriously, since Alec hasn’t even come out to his parents, let alone told them about his boyfriend.

And then Maia shows up, because what this scene really needs is more high school drama bullshit.

Maia asks how the partner thing is supposed to work. Simon points to Alec, who is drawing the magic rune on Magnus’s hand. Maia asks if they all have to get that done to them. Isabelle snipes at her, commenting on how she doesn’t look old enough.

Maia explains that lycanthropes are considered adults at sixteen, rather than eighteen like Shadowhunterrs. And while age of majority in magical societies could be considered an interesting topic to dig into, I’m sure this is mostly here to cause more drama.

Isabelle snipes a bit more at Maia, but before Maia can respond, everyone in the room freaks out. Why? Because Alec just started making out with Magnus in the middle of the room.

And Maia brings the scene to a close with an actually funny line.

Maia looked perplexed. “Wait a second,” she said. “Do we all have to do that, too?”

End scene.

Next scene switches to Clary’s POV. She’s looking for Simon, because it’s been five minutes and she needs her emotional support vampire/back-up boyfriend. But she can’t find him.

A lot of people have shown up, and there’s a lot of pairing off going on.

You Keep Using That Word: 15 (“Mark” x 2, “Portal”)

Luke’s there, and he’s all excited about how well everything seems to be going. But Clary isn’t happy, because Jace isn’t there.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

In fact, Clary’s so preoccupied thinking/worrying about Jace that she doesn’t hear what her mom says. So she tries to fake it, agreeing with what Luke said.

But uh-oh, that’s not what Jocelyn said. No, she was telling Clary that, while she and Luke will be in the fight, Clary’s staying back. Part of this is because she’s too young, and part of it’s because she has no training.

In response, Clary acts like a sullen teenager, so Jocelyn heaps praise on Clary to mollify her.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

Clary is still upset, but before she can whine some more, Raphael shows up in hologram form.

You Keep Using That Word: 17 (“Night Children”, “Projection”)

Quick question: why is Raphael the representative of the vampires? Why is the guy from New York apparently in charge? Did CC just not want to come up with another vampire character?

Shoddy World Building: 2

Raphael acknowledges Luke, as well as Jocelyn, saying that he heard about her from other vampires that fought in Valentine’s Putsch. Jocelyn is diplomatic, acknowledging the vampires’ sacrifices.

You Keep Using That Word: 18 (“Night Children”)

More to the point, though, everyone is taking Raphael’s presence (or tele-presence, at least) as an indication that the vampires might actually join the fight against Valentine.

And Raphael says they will, but they have one condition.

You Keep Using That Word: 19 (“Night Children”)

Luke assumes they also want a seat at the post-Valentine tabel. Not sure I mentioned that, but they’re basically arranging a sort of Urban Fantasy UN Security Council to be established once Valentine is dealt with.

And given that analogy, I’m really wondering who’s playing which role. I’m sure CC thinks the Shadowhunters are like the United States, but I think they’re more like the Soviet Union.

But Raphael says they want something else. What might that be? Well, they want Simon.

End scene.

Next, we’re back with Jace. He’s moving down the tunnel. The smell reminds him of the Shadowhunter graveyard/prison that got destroyed in the last book.

Eventually, he comes to a large chamber. In the middle is a big stalagmite that appears to be made of solid quartz, with some red stuff swirling around inside it.

So, definitely magic, and probably evil.

There’s also a hole in the ceiling, because there’s light coming down from it. Can’t help but feel that should have been mentioned a bit earlier. And Jace figures that this space clearly didn’t form naturally, and wonders why anyone would make a space like this.

But before too much time is spent wondering about that, Jace hears a noise. So he ducks behind another stalagmite and sees two figures enter the room.

As I’m sure you probably guessed, it’s Valentine and Sebastian.

And, end scene.

I’ll give it points for being short. And then take them away, because there’s no reason to have this bit shoved in where it is.

Entirely Pointless: 2

And next scene is back with Simon. He’s totally lost in his own thoughts while making his way back to Clary, and thus is very much surprised to see Raphael having a conversation with the very angry Luke and Jocelyn.

Simon very smartly decides to duck behind a pillar to do some eavesdropping.

There’s much back and forth. The “good guys” (namely Luke, Clary, and Jocelyn) don’t want to turn Simon over to the vampires. The vampires don’t see what the big deal is – Simon’s one of their own. Clary points out that the vampires didn’t care about Simon until they found out he could walk around in sunlight. And Raphael agrees, and we actually get an interesting twist.

See, you’d expect that the vampires would be going for the Blade thing – that they want Simon so they can figure out why he can walk around in sunlight, and thus share it. But no, they actually think it’s unnatural, and implicitly intend to kill Simon because of it.

Good for you, CC. Have a cookie.

Luke remains unmoved, so Raphael points out their hypocrisy – they’re willing to let all the Shadowhunters and their allies make their own decision as to whether they fight or not, but they won’t let Simon make his own decision. And if Simon isn’t handed over, the vampires will sit this fight out.

You Keep Using That Word: 20 (“Night Children”)

Luke tells Raphael to fuck off. Raphael tries to play on Jocelyn, but she also tells him to fuck off. And he promptly does.

And end scene.

I guess I should give them some kudos for not sacrificing their values for the sake of winning, even if it does also involve turning the vampires into Designated Villains.

And back to Jace. He’s looking at Valentine, who’s all kitted out for killing stuff. Jace feels a brief pang of affection for… some reason. Seriously, from what we’ve heard, Jace’s relationship with Valentine was legitimately abusive, “honeymoon” periods and all. Kid needs some serious therapy.

Jace also notices that Sebastian looks “different”. How so? Well, for starters, his hair is a completely different color – it’s now blond.

You know, there’s a standard joke about how men don’t notice things like when their wife/girlfriend gets a haircut, but honestly, I’d expect even the densest guy would notice if someone’s hair went from being dark to “white gold” blond.

I just… why are we being coy about this? It’s pretty obvious.

Also, Jace feels a sudden, violent surge of anger towards Sebastian, again, for no discernible reason.

Then the bird shows up and lands on Valentine’s shoulder, prompting another pang of emotion from Jace, recalling how said bird did the same thing with Hodge.

You know, CC, it’s nice that you’re trying to give some depth to Jace’s character. Unfortunately, it’s a bit late in the series.

Anyway, conversation between Sebastian and Valentine. Sebastian asks if there’s any updates from their mole in Shadowhunter HQ. Valentine gives a quick recap of what’s going on there, ensuring that all the main characters are on the same page.

Also, Malachi was working for Valentine the whole time.

You guys remember Malachi, right? He was the other designated baddie in the Shadowhunter government – not the guy who tried to get Simon to turn state’s evidence, but the guy who didn’t want the Shadowhunters to join up with the Downworlders. He hasn’t really done much, to be honest.

But is it really all that surprising that another of the few characters that just got introduced in this book turns out to be a bad guy?

Valentine’s upset by this news, and Sebastian shows some physical sign of affection toward him (resting a hand on his arm, so get your minds out of the gutters). Jace feels sick – or possibly jealous – at seeing this, because no one got to touch Valentine like that, not even Jace as a kid!

Again, are we entirely certain that Jace is supposed to be the good one?

Valentine is upset by the news of the Shadowhunters and Downworlders joining forces, because he feels it shows just how corrupt they all are.

And this is where I remind you that Valentine has made use of literal demons in this fight. And yet not one person has pointed out this hypocrisy.

More to the point, Valentine isn’t super happy with this turn of events, since it means he’ll have to go forward with the whole “unleash an army of demons to kill all the Shadowhunters” plan.

But not Sebastian. He goes all Ramsay Bolton, thinking about how funny it’ll be.

Well, his whole “I’m not a psychopath” act didn’t last long, did it?

It’s so bad that even Valentine calls it out, calling Sebastian “Jonathan” in the process.

This confuses Jace, because of course it does. I guess there are no two Shadowhunters with the same first name, even a common name like “Jonathan.”

So Sebastian/Jonathan goes on to discuss all the stuff he did while undercover, and how much he enjoyed lying and generally being evil. Because as has been amply proven, CC does not do subtlety.

Also, when Sebastian/Jonathan mentions Clary, Jace’s heart goes all aflutter, because of course it does.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4

Sebastian/Jonathan goes on to talk about how Clary “won’t admit what she really wants” but that “she’ll come around.” Reminder that he, unlike Jace, probably knows that Clary is his sister. So the incest vibes here are pretty gross.

At least, I assume that’s the case. It’s a bit hard, given how much time this book and the previous one spent angsting over how much Clary and Jace want to boink, but can’t, because incest.

CC, there are places to explore your kinks. You can even publish them. But if so, you should probably make them clear, and probably not market them to a YA audience.

There’s more back and forth between Sebastian/Jonathan and Valentine. Valentine berates the kid for failing at his mission re: Clary. But Sebastian/Jonathan isn’t concerned, because Clary has no idea how her abilities work.

Which, while technically true, doesn’t mean much, because Clary has Author Fiat on her side.

Valentine explains what’s currently going on at Shadowhunter HQ, because his bird saw some of it. Again, Shadowhunter security really, really sucks.

Then we get this from Jace:

of course [Clary] was at the center of things. That was his Clary.

Well, yeah. Black Hole Sue. Don’t congratulate her for forcing her way into stuff.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 5

More talking. Valentine is somewhat cautious, but Sebastian/Jonathan thinks he’s overestimating Clary’s abilities. Then they move on to Hodge, and why Sebastian/Jonathan killed him. Sebastian/Jonathan says he had to, while Valentine thinks he wanted to. He also drops that Hodge knew that Valentine was raising more than one kid, though he’s not quite that clear.

Jace is confused by this. Because of course he is.

Sebastian/Jonathan wants to move on with their plan. Valentine asks if he knows what he’s supposed to do. How convenient that the villains go back to being cryptic and whatnot right around the point where doing otherwise might spoil things for the reader.

Sebastian/Jonathan then starts “whining” about having to wait to put the plan into motion. Because that’s the descriptor that comes to mind when I think of a big, intimidating villain. This book came out years after Attack of the Clones. And I doubt anyone thought Anakin being whiny added anything to how frightening or intimidating Darth Vader is. If anything, it undermined it.

Valentine says no, because he’s a man of his word. See, he’s Lawful Evil, while Sebastian/Jonathan is Chaotic Evil.

Valentine shows some affection for Sebastian/Jonathan, establishes that Sebastian/Jonathan will be his heir, then leaves.

But once Valentine is gone, Sebastian/Jonathan reveals just how truly evil he is!

Also, he knew Jace was there the whole time.

Jace tries to run, but turns out Sebastian/Jonathan is faster than he is. Jace tries being snarky, but Sebastian/Jonathan is all cold and psychotic.

At least until Jace makes a crack about him and Valentine being a couple, which throws him. Because ewww, gay. Or something.

Sebastian/Jonathan recovers somewhat, and kinda complements Jace. Because of course he does.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 6

It’s at least somewhat mitigated because he’s A) insulting the Lightwoods, and B) says that he’s figured all that “intelligence” he attributed to Jace were really just Jace being a pompous ass. Or something along those lines.

Sebastian/Jonathan taunts Jace about Valentine abandoning Jace as a kid, but not himself, which finally gets Jace to put two and two together. Well, sort of. He probably still thinks that Valentine is his biological father, but whatever.

And then we get a chapter title drop from Sebastian/Jonathan as he chokes Jace into unconsciousness, ending the scene.

My one complaint here is that Sebastian/Jonathan decided to taunt Jace instead of just killing him. Rookie mistake, kid.

And we’re back to Clary for the last scene of the chapter. At least we’re almost done.

Clary’s tired from drawing the new fancy rune. Except that we already established that only the Shadowhunter member of the pair would draw the rune, and Clary isn’t partnered with anyone.

So, Clary’s tired out from… sitting on her butt for a few hours.

Luckily for her, Jocelyn’s there to treat Clary like the spoiled little baby she is. Clary notices all the runes now on her mom, and is keeping her response to the realization that her mom will be going off to fight and possibly die in a few hours under control by… suppressing her response.

That can’t be healthy.

So Clary decides she needs her safety blanket Simon, but Jocelyn is concerned about Clary going off to look for him.

You Keep Using That Word: 21 (“Mark”)

And look, I get it, Jocelyn – you’re concerned about your kid. You were in a self-induced coma for a few weeks, and Clary’s acting (somewhat) different. But maybe if you didn’t treat Clary like a little baby, she’d stop acting like a baby.

Clary doesn’t care. And once among the crowd, everyone’s attention focuses on her as if she’s a celebrity or something. Because of course.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 7

She moves to a slightly less crowded area, and finds Simon, who for no apparent reason grabs her and drags her off to a slightly more private spot.

Why?

And for once, Clary and I are on the same page – she too wants to know what the deal is.

Simon reveals that he overheard the conversation with Raphael, and volunteers to hand himself over to the vampires.

See, this is what heroism looks like.

Clary doesn’t like this, obviously, and tries to argue that he’s not a part of all this. But Simon points out that, a vampire, he is part of this, whatever Clary and the others might think. He even brings up Clary kind of ignoring or forgetting that he’s a vampire.

Simon also points out that the vampires do kind of deserve a seat at the table for the post-Valentine world, and that they’re denied that, it will lead to hostilities between the vampires and everyone else. He then gives Clary an ultimatum – either she helps him, or he’ll get help from someone else.

You Keep Using That Word: 22 (“Night Children”)

Damnit, Simon. Not you too.

Clary agrees, and Simon explains his plan. We don’t get to hear what it is, though, because that would ruin the drama or something. But it clearly bothers Clary.

It takes a bit more convincing from Simon, but Clary eventually draws a rune on him. What rune? Well, the only reference we get is that Magnus described it as “the first Mark,” some stuff about how it’s so old, Clary insisting it’s a punishment, and Simon pointing out that, given all the stuff about him that kinda makes him an outcast, he’s already being punished.

You Keep Using That Word: 23 (“Mark”)

So yeah, it’s the Mark of Cain. Clary even slaps it on Simon’s forehead, because of course she did. Also, she didn’t need to try and figure out what it looked like, because she can just think about what she wants and just go on instinct.

Clary’s powers are far too vague and too powerful for how much they’re relied on. She can – in every practical sense – pull a solution out of her ass.

And that’s the end of the chapter. Thank god.

I’ll be honest – that last bit? I really, really got my goat. As someone who is actively working towards building a career as an author, seeing something this lazy and blatant – especially from a book published by a major publishing house and written by such a “successful” author? It just…

GAAAAAHHHHH!

But that’s all for now. Only two chapters and the epilogue left.

I’d say there’s no way CC could include any more filler, but this chapter proved otherwise.

See you then.

Counts

Both Hands Ma’am: 7 (Total: 84)
Entirely Pointless: 2 (Total: 16)
Our “Heroes”: 0 (Total: 78)
Plot Hole: 0 (Total: 14)
Rapier Twit: 0 (Total: 8)
You Keep Using That Word: 23 (Total: 132)
Shoddy World Building: 2 (Total: 31)
No Shit Sherlock: 2 ( Total: 4)
A Word From Our Sponsors: 0 (Total: 10)

Comment [4]

Hello, folks. Back now for the penultimate chapter (assuming you don’t consider epilogues to count as actual chapters), so let’s just get into it. I do have some news, but I’ll post it in the comments.

So, chapter nineteen’s title is “Peniel.” A bit of googling reveals this to be Hebrew for “the Face of God.”

Well, okay then.

We’re in Simon’s POV, so this will either be great, or royally suck. He’s with Maia, who is leading the way to the vampires. There’s a nice little bit describing how Simon has no trouble keeping up with Maia, even when she starts running, and how it’s actually something he likes about being a vampire.

This is good. More of this, please.

But no. They quickly reach their destination, and Maia starts shouting for Raphael to show up.

And he does, along with several other vampires. They elect to make a very dramatic entrance, suddenly appearing after some wind blows a bunch of leaves into the air.

And for some reason, several of them are from the New York group, because Simon recognizes them. Seriously, why are all the important characters from the same place?

Raphael continues to refer to Simon as “Daylighter”, so that’s still a thing.

You Keep Using That Word: 2

Also, he tells Maia to pass the word to Luke that the vampires will join the fight.

You Keep Using That Word: 3 (“Night Children”)

Maia makes one last attempt to talk Simon out of going through with this, but he won’t be talked out of it. Maia only leaves when Simon points out that they’ll both probably end up dead, and the vampires might just decide to go back on their deal if she stays.

So Maia leaves, transforming into a wolf for no apparent reason.

You Keep Using That Word: 4 (“Change”)

Yes, for some reason, CC decided that the word describing turning from human to wolf needed to be capitalized. No, I don’t understand why, nor do I want to.

Raphael does that creepy “suddenly being way too close” thing. Dude, personal space.

Then Raphael actually tries to comfort Simon right before killing him, even saying that there’s nothing personal in this. I really like this; for all the attempts to make the vampires out to be the bad guys, they’re not unreasonable or cruel.

But before Raphael can finally just get on with it, Simon shows off the Mark of Cain on his forehead. This leads to everyone present freaking out. And yes, it is confirmed to be the Mark of Cain.

Before we go any further, let’s get this out of the way:

You Keep Using That Word: 10 (“Mark”)

Apparently everyone just knows what this is, because no one has to have it explained to them. Not that this will stop them from doing so, but whatever. Kinda curious as to how everyone knows this, though.

Un-Logic: 1

Also, Raphael says what Simon has was “drawn by the Maker’s own hand.” Because even though we’ve established that he can mention God, he doesn’t for some reason. And even though like, 97% of all the world building has been straight-up Judeo-Christian material, we don’t want to go too far.

Also also, this:

You Keep Using That Word: 11

Simon drops a quote from the Bible, laying down why this is a big deal, and why he’s basically untouchable. Short version: it’s like a death-switch. Anyone who tries to kill Simon will get the same back seven times over.

Quick side-bar: all this talk about the Mark of Cain and it involving vampires gets me to thinking about the old Vampire: the Masquerade rpg. In that game, Caine was the first vampire, with the eponymous Mark being turned into a vampire. And as luck would have it, when I was making my notes on this section, the publishers of the latest edition of the game had recently released an early version of the new rules.

This certainly doesn’t mean anything. I just thought it was an interesting bit of serendipity.

Anyway, a redheaded vampire says they should kill Simon anyway, but Raphael refuses. And so does everyone else.

Question: if they can’t kill him now, what’s to stop them from just reneging on the deal? Did we not think that bit through?

Clearly we didn’t think that through.

Raphael assumes that this was all Luke’s plan, but Simon explains that it was all his idea. Raphael is aghast at this, because I guess he actually paid attention in Sunday School.

You Keep Using That Word: 12 (“Daylighter”)

But Simon says he’s fine with it. Also, he’s somehow divined why they wanted to kill him: if other vampires learned about what he could do (i.e. not burst into flame in sunlight) and how it happened (drinking Jace’s blood – not that Simon says so; he puts it on Valentine), they might start going after Shadowhunters, and presumably leading to conflict between the two groups.

I gotta say, though, this feels a bit like an ass-pull. I can’t help but wonder if CC made up this explanation because someone pointed out that the vampires deciding to kill Simon made no sense, and rather than fix that, she decided to just make up a reason.

Un-Logic: 2

Whatever. Another vampire points out that he’s known some vamps who drank Shadowhunter blood, and nothing happened to them (which should undermine Simon’s random line of thinking, but whatever).

You Keep Using That Word: 13 (“Night Children”)

Whatever. Raphael is frustrated, but decides that they’ll hold up their end of the bargain. Even though they have a solid case for why they shouldn’t. But also, Simon has to take part in the fight, so there’s that, at least.

You Keep Using That Word: 15 (“Night Children”, “Daylighter”)

And end scene.

And we’re back with Jace. Goodie.

He wakes up choking on blood. Presumably his own, which makes me somewhat happy.

Jace is also tied up, so Sebastian/Jonathan isn’t a complete idiot. He has, however, decided to go full-on villain, and not in a fun, interesting way, first by doing the “oh, good, I can still kill you,” bit.

Jace decides to get snarky with his captor, because of course he does.

Rapier Twit: 1

Sebastian/Jonathan then decides to go further into bad-villain territory by monologuing, and doing some info dumping as well. Seems he knew about Jace, but Jace didn’t know about him. Which Jace uses to try and mock him some more.

Now, if I were writing this, I’d have Sebastian/Jonathan at least kick Jace. But I’m not, so that doesn’t happen. Jace is allowed to be a smart-ass, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Instead, Sebastian/Jonathan decides to gloat a bit about how he knows all about Valentine’s plans, while Jace doesn’t. Then he pulls out his fancy-ass sword to show something off.

Also, Jace is still very confused about how Sebastian/Jonathan can also be Valentine’s son, because for some reason CC feels the need to drag this out some more, despite having already addressed this.

Sebastian/Jonathan goes up to a big, reddish stalagmite in the middle of the chamber, and slices it open, unleashing a whole bunch of demons.

Not that this is immediately apparent, mind. CC takes several long, very flowery paragraphs to make this clear. Because word count or something.

The demons don’t actually do anything, mind. They swirl around a bit, look vaguely menacing, then leave.

Jace maybe passes out at some point during all this, because why not?

When he comes to, he then decides it’s a good idea to try scolding Sebastian/Jonathan for what he did – not because it was evil, mind, but because he did it before Valentine said he should.

Seriously, that’s where he decides to go.

But Sebastian/Jonathan just shrugs it off, because he’s like a honey badger – he doesn’t give a shit.

And then he decides to go full psychopath, talking about how much he’d love to watch Shadowhunters get slaughtered, because he’s evil, and CC doesn’t do subtlety.

Jace tries to argue that the Shadowhunters will go down fighting, which prompts Sebastian/Jonathan to explain Valentine’s Evil Plan ™.

So here’s the plan: Valentine uses the MacGuffins (including the mirror, aka the lake) to summon up Raziel. Once that’s done, he’s going to have all the Shadowhunters that aren’t loyal to him stripped of their powers, so they’ll get slaughtered by the demons.

Also, we get reminded that the first Shadowhunter’s name was Jonathan Shadowhunter.

Shoddy World Building: 2

That’s one for how little sense it makes, given the location of Shadowhunter land, and another because of how utterly stupid that name is.

Also, this plan doesn’t really explain the need for the whole “demon army” thing. Like, Valentine could do every other part of this, and he’d probably have a much better chance of succeeding, because no one would know about it until it was too late.

But hey, he’s a villain, and villains gotta villain. Or something.

Sebastian/Jonathan then says that Valentine totally would, and refers to Valentine as “my father.” Jace corrects him by saying he’s “our father”. For some reason, Sebastian/Jonathan mistakes this for Jace praying.

Rapier Twit: 2

Because I assume that’s CC trying to be funny. It doesn’t work.

Also, we get this description of Sebastian/Jonathan:

His hair was a white halo; he looked like the sort of bad angel who might have followed Lucifer out of heaven.

Great. Now I’m imagining that he looks like Sephiroth from Final Fantasy VII.

Anyway, Sebastian/Jonathan calls Jace an idiot (accurate), and then asserts that Valentine never spoke a word of truth to Jace in his entire life. Jace tries to counter by arguing that maybe Valentine was really lying to Sebastian/Jonathan.

It doesn’t work.

Sebastian/Jonathan does some more of the “I’m evil, and I’m going to kill you,” schtick. Honestly, it’s getting boring. Just do it already, you coward.

Jace tries to goad Sebastian/Jonathan into untying him, but Sebastian isn’t stupid enough to fall for it.

But Jace keeps at it, pointing out that while Sebastian/Jonathan might kill Jace and make up some excuse for how he died, Valentine will know what really happened, because he left his bird behind.

I’m not entirely certain that’s true, but I don’t feel like going back to check.

Also, Jace is pretty certain Valentine will think Sebastian/Jonathan is a coward if he kills Jace while he’s still tied up. This really pisses Sebastian/Jonathan off, and he takes a swing at Jace.

Unfortunately, the scene ends right before we find out what happens.

Damnit.

Oh well. Next scene has us with Clary. Great.

She’s all by her lonesome in Shadowhunter HQ, feeling sorry for herself. Apparently, once everyone left, she decided to stay here, rather than go be with her… friend? Acquaintance? Whatever. Isabelle. But now she’s feeling very lonely, so she…

… stays where she is, and tries very, very hard not to think about all her loved ones that aren’t there.

And of course, the first one is Jace.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

So to distract herself, rather than, say, spending time with a friend, she stares at a single floor tile and counts the number of cracks in it over and over again.

There are six, so it really doesn’t take that long.

And then the ceiling explodes, saving the readers from having to deal with any more of this nonsense.

Clary looks up through the new hole in the ceiling and sees the writhing mass of demons that have been unleashed. And as they pass over Shadowhunter HQ, they cause the skylight (why is there a skylight?) to break, sending shards of broken glass plummeting to the floor.

And of course, we cut away before getting the results.

Well, at least it was short.

Next scene is with Simon, and it too is short – only a paragraph long.

He’s with the other vampires, heading towards where the big battle is going to be. Then they all stop and look up when the horde of demons flies past.

And that’s it.

Look, I get it. It’s all very cinematic. But do these scenes – especially that last one – really add anything to the narrative?

Entirely Pointless: 1

Whatever. The scene break is unmarked, for some reason, but suddenly we’re back with Jace.

Honestly, did anyone really expect him to be dead?

No, he didn’t die. But he did pass out. Wuss.

Sebastian/Jonathan decided to drag him out of the cave, after cutting Jace free. Jace asks why they’re outside, and there’s actually a decent answer:

“Two reasons,” Sebastian said. “One, I enjoyed knocking you out. Two, it would be bad for either of us to get blood on the floor of that cavern. Trust me. And I intend to spill plenty of your blood.”

That’s not… terrible villain dialogue. And I’m fully behind anyone who likes hitting Jace.

The only weapon Jace has is a knife. He kinda pretends to complain about it, but Sebastian/Jonathan doesn’t give a damn, and comes in swinging. To his credit, Jace manages to both pop Sebastian/Jonathan in the face and disarm him. Jace gets the sword, and Sebastian/Jonathan is sprawled out on the ground.

Well, that was quick.

Oh, wait, then this happens:

Jace hesitated. He didn’t want to hesitate, but there it was. An annoying reluctance to kill anyone lying helpless on the ground in front of him. Jace remembered Valentine taunting him, back at Renwick’s, daring his son to kill him, and Jace hadn’t been able to do it.

I’m sorry, what? Since when has Jace had this sense of honor? He didn’t hesitate for a second to start a bar fight with a bunch of werewolves in the last book. Or do werewolves not count?

And even granting the bit with Valentine from the first book, there’s a world of difference between killing your father (or even someone you think of as your father) and killing a stranger.

Don’t pretend that Jace has been this great paragon of honorable behavior, CC. It’s too late now.

Whatever. Sebastian/Jonathan leaps up, kicks the sword out of Jace’s hand, catches it, and takes a swing at Jace.

I’m going to sum up the next several paragraphs real quick: it’s a fight scene. It’s a very dancy, flippy, jumpy fight scene. I’m sure it would look very cool on screen.

But book’s aren’t a visual medium, so all that jumping around and whatnot isn’t all that awe inspiring.

Also, I could probably find something just as good in almost any martial arts movie ever made. And I probably wouldn’t have to deal with a protagonist as obnoxious and annoying as Jace, either.

Anyway, the fight ends with Jace on the ground and Sebastian/Jonathan poised to stab Jace through the heart.

And instead of doing that, you know what Sebastian/Jonathan does instead?

He starts monologuing.

If only the villains here were remotely as self-aware as characters from a movie that came out four years before this book was published.

And why, you ask, is this happening now?

Why, so Jace can learn that he’s not really Valentine’s kid, and therefore not Clary’s brother, has no demon blood, and so it’s okay for him and Clary to boink like rabbits.

Again, the reader has already known this. For several chapters now. So this “revelation” has no weight.

Oh, but also Sebastian/Jonathan is low-key jealous of how much Valentine liked Jace more than him, because apparently he wouldn’t shut up about Jace.

Jace – being the brilliant guy that he is – decides that the best thing to do right now is taunt Sebastian/Jonathan with how much Valentine doesn’t love him/is ashamed of him, because otherwise he totally wouldn’t have ordered Sebastian/Jonathan to stay behind while he completes his Big Evil Plan ™.

And apparently this is the button not to push with Sebastian/Jonathan, because he looses his shit and finally decides to stab Jace.

Oh, but wait. First he decides to taunt Jace some more about how, since he and Clary aren’t related, they could totally have been boinking this whole time, but oh well.

But it seems that Jace managed to run out the timer, because just as he’s about to get shanked, Isabelle shows up and cuts Sebastian/Jonathan’s hand of with her whip.

Okay.

Fairly certain that you can’t actually do that.

Now, I actually took the time to look into this. A quick Google search revealed a video of someone using a whip to cut through a can of soda.

So yes, whips can cut through things. But do I really need to explain that there’s some significant differences between a can of soda – even a full, unopened can – and a human wrist.

Which is really a shame, because if anyone in this book deserves a moment of being awesome, it’s Isabelle. Girl’s been put through the wringer.

I also can’t help but point out that, once again, the big, tough, super-awesome warrior and killer of all things Jace needed someone else to pull his ass out of the fire.

Sebastian/Jonathan decides to run for cover.

Well, that was quick.

Isabelle runs up to start healing Jace. Jace, meanwhile, is convinced that, despite Isabelle being “spectacular and brave and talented,” she’ll get her ass kicked by Sebastian/Jonathan. Because, you know, he managed to beat Jace.

Little reminder: Isabelle, in a single stroke, probably did more harm to Sebastian/Jonathan more than all of Jace’s dancy, flippy bullshit.

*Our “Heroes”: 1

Luckily for everyone, Jace can’t get any of this out. So Isabelle goes into explaining all stuff about Jace, and Clary, and all that, because I guess we needed that all explained for a third time. And also how she managed to track him down (Jace passed off one of his old toys to Max).

So of course Isabelle is so distracted by all this that she doesn’t notice that Sebastian/Jonathan has returned until he grabs her, throws her off Jace, and starts kicking the shit out of her.

Literally.

I’d be lying if I said a part of me didn’t wonder if this was some form of payback on CC’s part for possibly upstaging Jace. Because no one is allowed to be better than Jace.

And because Sebastian/Jonathan is a sadistic bastard, he’s too busy beating on Isabelle to notice Jace get up, grab the knife, and ever-so-slowly make his way over to Sebastian/Jonathan.

Seriously. It takes four fairly chunky paragraphs for all that to happen.

Christ.

And at one point, Jace kinda blacks out, and thinks about Clary.

Uggghhhh.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

Finally, Jace stabs Sebastian/Jonathan in the back.

And of course this is what manages to take him down. Sebastian/Jonathan conveniently falls over and lands next to the river, far enough away to ensure that we can’t be 100% certain he’s dead.

(I say this because, even though I haven’t read any further in the series, I do know that he comes back later. Because why waste a good villain?)

And then Jace collapses. Again.

And even though she’s probably suffered more of a beating than Jace, Isabelle only expresses concern for him.

End scene, thank god.

Now we switch to Simon’s POV. I wish I could say this was an improvement, but it’s really not. Here, judge for yourselves:

Simon was a veteran of countless battles. That is, if you counted the battles engaged in while playing Dungeons and Dragons.

Because Simon’s a nerd. Get it?

But it falls flat, because apparently CC thinks D&D is a war game, or at least that there are some mass combat portions of it. And while D&D wasn’t as big a thing as it is now, I’d be willing to bet that there was a not inconsiderate portion of CC’s audience that was, at the very least, D&D-curious.

Also, I can only assume that they never covered the First World War in any of Simon’s history classes, because apparently he’d always pictured battles as “two groups of people advancing at each other across a flat expanse of land. Straight line and orderly progression.”

Man, battles haven’t been fought like that since maybe the mid-19th century, if that. Because here’s the thing – having soldiers arrayed in a nice, orderly line is a terrible tactic once you have weapons that can hit stuff reliably at over fifty yards.

Officers in the US learned that in 1860s. European generals learned it in 1914. They all learned it the hard way.

But that’s not important. This fight is a big mess, which doesn’t surprise me in the slightest. Also, Simon expected that he and the other vampires would show up, chat with someone in charge, watch the initial clash of combatants, and then join the fray.

None of that happened, because, well, dur.

You Keep Using That Word: 16 (“Night Children”)

I will give credit for some stuff, though. Like demonstrating why having super-hearing would kinda suck – there’s a lot of loud noise, and it’s almost painful for Simon.

Simon stumbles around the battle for a while, acting all shell shocked. I’m not surprised by this, or even really bothered.

But enough of that. Time for Simon to actually get involved in this shit. So a random skeleton-type monster knocks Simon over and goes to take Simon out, when a random Shadowhunter guy shows up to one-shot it. Apparently he read the Monster Manual or something, because he remembered that skeletons are vulnerable to bludgeoning damage.

Random Shadowhunter Dude (or RSD for short) helps Simon up. Apparently he partnered up with a werewolf, because he has super-strength, and isn’t quite used to it. He and Simon chat for a bit, presumably so we can establish that not all Shadowhunters are assholes. Also so RSD can thank Simon for participating.

Not that Simon appears to have actually done anything at this point, though.

And then, having served his purpose, RSD gets grabbed by a random flying monster and killed.

RIP Random Shadowhunter Dude.

Simon is, understandably, a bit shocked by this. So he looks around for a minute, fails to spot anyone he knows, and finally decides that maybe he could actually do something useful.

To cap off this revelation, we get this:

A true vampire knows he is dead, Raphael had said. But Simon didn’t feel dead. He’d never felt more alive.

Well, he certainly isn’t showing it.

A big lizard-y demon shows up and decides to take Simon on. Simon jumps on it, and literally sinks his teeth into it. The taste is, unsurprisingly, horrible.

You Keep Using That Word: 17 (“Mark”)

End scene.

And next we’re back with Clary. Unfortunately, she did not get skewered by any of the falling glass.

She stares up at the new hole in the ceiling for a minute. All the magic lights in the room have gone out, so she can just barely see by the light from the Portal outside.

You Keep Using That Word: 18

Clary concludes that hanging around is probably a bad idea. Gee, ya think?

No Shit Sherlock: 1

No concern or even curiosity about why the ceiling suddenly exploded, because why wonder about stuff like that?

Clary turns around and suddenly Malachi is there, in the middle of the room.

A somewhat smart person might wonder how he suddenly got there. A really smart person would probably put two and two together.

Clary notices that Malachi has a raven on his shoulder, and she recognizes the raven as Hugo. How did she somehow miss that on initially spotting him? Not recognizing the bird, but seeing it in general. Ravens are not small birds.

And only now does Clary decide to find some cover.

Malachi steps onto the dias, pulls out a ring, and summons up a hologram of Valentine for a chat.

Malachi tells Valentine about Jace and Sebastian/Jonathan, including the two of them fighting. And at the mention of Jace possibly being in danger, Clary swoons.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4

When she comes back, Malachi and Valentine are discussing Valentine’s Evil Plan ™. Seems Malachi wants to try to save some of the kids, and Valentine notes that it’ll probably take them a few days to be affected by the sudden loss of their special magic-status, so they could probably save some. Also, Valentine’s flunkies should also be safe.

You Keep Using That Word: 20 (“Mark” x 2)

I get the bad guys not being overly concerned with maintaining secrecy right now, but do they have to start spouting every little detail of their plan?

Valentine hangs up, because even he can only take so much groveling.

Clary is so stunned by this giant info dump that she totally misses Hugo flying up to her and going for her face. Maybe if she hadn’t zoned out so much, she could have avoided this.

Malachi tries to call Hugo off, but when the bird doesn’t… something happens, and suddenly it’s on the ground.

No, there is no clear explanation; one minute, it’s clawing at Clary’s face, the next it’s on the ground.

There’s a confrontation between Clary and Malachi. Fairly typical, really; Clary’s all “Valentine is evil!” and Malachi just goes “I’m racist, so I don’t care!”

I wish I could say I expected better, but I honestly don’t at this point.

Unfortunately, Clary is in Distressed Damsel mode, so once Malachi has a grip on her, she’s helpless. You’d think, growing up in a city like New York, she’d have at least some self-defense training – at least enough to know kick an attacker in the balls.

But that would be Clary showing initiative, and that’s not her thing.

Luckily for Clary, Hugo was only stunned, not dead, and decides to go after Malachi. Who promptly trips, falls over, and apparently dies.

That’s just sad.

Clary, not being entirely stupid and helpless, decides to make a run for it, and makes her way to tell everyone what’s up.

You Keep Using That Word: 22 (“Portal” x 2)

End chapter.

So, let’s take a minute to examine this chapter.

On the one hand, stuff actually happened. The plot moved in a direction one might describe as “forward.” That’s good.

Also, there were some decent scenes, or at least portions of scenes. Unfortunately, most of them involved characters other than the main protagonists, which isn’t great from a big-picture standpoint.

Which gets to the not so great stuff. Like that there were several points where information the reader already knew was repeated. Possibly several times. Yes, CC, we got it. Jace isn’t Valentine’s son; he and Clary aren’t related. Okay.

And then there’s the two short, random scenes that, while they work from a cinematic view, don’t really need to be there from a narrative one.

And finally, there’s the fact that it feels like so much of the book has been focusing on stuff that isn’t really all that important, while the stuff that actually is important is happening in the background.

Let’s give a quick comparison to a series that CC knows quite well: Harry Potter. Most of that series is told from a tight third-person perspective – Harry’s. But in Half-Blood Prince, there were certain important details that the reader needed to know (namely the extent of Voldemort’s activities and Snape’s promise to help Draco) that Harry would have no reason to be aware of.

Why do I bring this up? Because something similar could have been done with this book, so that the reader isn’t totally in the dark about the greater goings-on in the Shadowhunter government.

Oh, there’s nods to this, namely in the brief scene from Luke’s POV, but that’s after most of the stuff has been done. As boring as big political debates might be, watching a bunch of teenagers sitting around dealing with their comparatively minor drama is pretty annoying.

Ah, well. One more chapter, plus the epilogue, and then we’re done.

See you all then.

Counts

Both Hands Ma’am: 4 (Total: 88)
Entirely Pointless: 1 (Total: 17)
Our “Heroes”: 1 (Total: 79)
Plot Hole: 0 (Total: 14)
Rapier Twit: 1 (Total: 9)
You Keep Using That Word: 20 (Total: 152)
Shoddy World Building: 2 (Total: 33)
No Shit Sherlock: 1 ( Total: 5)
A Word From Our Sponsors: 0 (Total: 10)

Comment [10]

Well, everyone, here we are – the end of the third book in this series. Things are still a bit wonky in my neck of the woods; heck, they’re wonky in a lot of places. But hey, half of surviving this mess is keeping your spirits up, and that’s exactly what I’m here to do.

By ripping into this book for your amusement.

So let’s get to this.

The epiloge’s title is “Across the Sky in Stars.” CC wastes no time in explaining where that title came from, because right underneath the title is a quote from T. E. Lawrence:

I loved you, so I drew these tides of men into my hands and wrote my will across the sky in stars.”

The quote comes from Lawrence’s book, Seven Pillars of Wisdom, Lawrence’s memoir of his time involved with the Arab revolt against the Ottomans during the First World War. It’s the first half of the first stanza of the dedication, and is more properly rendered like this in its entirety:

I loved you, so I drew these tides of men into my hands
And wrote my will across the sky and stars
To earn you Freedom, the seven-pillared worthy house,
That your eyes might be shining for me
When we came

Lawrence dedicated the poem, and the book, “to S.A.” It’s unclear exactly who “S.A.” might have been, but the most popular theory is that it refers to a Selim Ahmed, a companion of Lawrence who died of typhus some time before 1918. This theory is also liked to the generally accepted belief that Lawrence was homosexual, though there’s no concrete evidence of this. To be clear, I’m not questioning this idea, just presenting the information as objectively as possible.

Regardless, the line is very pretty, but I can’t help finding it mildly pretentious here. It’s another one of those “hey, look! I can quote famous people!” moments, when really, it’s just “ooh, this sounds pretty!”

Moving on to the actual epilogue, we start with Jace. He’s sitting on a hill watching Valentine’s funeral. Valentine’s body is being cremated, as per Shadowhunter tradition.

Now, I kinda question why they’re doing this. I mean, I get it in a “just killed bin Laden, and we’re preparing his body as per Muslim practices,” way, but I mean, do we really know how many followers Valentine actually had?

Anyway, there’s a fair number of people there: Jocelyn, Luke, Patrick Penhallow (no, I don’t remember who that is, nor do I really care), and maybe some other people. Clary might also be there, but it’s never established.

But Jace isn’t with the crowd. No, he decided that he’d much rather sit off atop a nearby hill, either because he’s a mopy little kid, or because CC thought it’d be more dramatic or something. Trying to push the “Jace is a tortured loner” schtick some more.

For some reason, whoever prepared Valentine’s body made sure to “[do] well by him […] for the sake of Clary and Jocelyn.” Gonna be honest, I don’t think either of them should really give a damn about showing proper respect to Valentine’s remains. And given that his ashes are going to be scattered at a crossroads – rather than used as building material – I’d guess that the folks in charge don’t care too much, either.

So again, why the funeral with full honors?

Oh, side-note: Sebastian/Jonathan’s body was never found, so CC is setting up her obvious sequel bait.

Jace tried to find Clary, but I imagine that’s a bit difficult, considering he’s standing some distance away from the crowd. He’s looking for her because,

he missed her with an almost physical sense of something lacking.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 1

Please stop, CC. It’s been almost three books, and you still haven’t managed to convince me that Jace’s feelings for Clary are anything more than the basest form of animal lust. I mean, how much does Jace actually know about Clary, beyond what’s been relevant to the plot of the previous books? How much have they actually interacted with each other as people, and not as two characters trying to suppress the urge to rip each others’ clothes off?

Anyway, we go from… that_… to a quick recap of what Jace went through after the last chapter. Short version: dying really takes it out of you. You’d think an actual angel would be able to drop something a _little bit higher than a “Revivify,”:https://5e.tools/spells.html#revivify_phb but I won’t blame Raziel for not wanting to burn the spell slot.

We get a brief paragraph of Jace looking towards the city, which appears to have been somewhat restored, and then thinking about what he would say if he were actually down there, attending the funeral.

But enough of that, time to get back to thinking about Clary, and how empathetic she is. Because you see, even after the big fight, and how tired and beaten up she was (despite not actually doing any actual fighting, and Jace literally just coming back from the dead), she still managed to totally feel Jace’s sense of loss from Valentine’s death. Despite, you know, having literally no relationship with Valentine herself.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 2

And while I’m glad to get away from the Clary praise, I’m not happy that it gets replaced with Jace’s memories of growing up with Valentine – both the good stuff, and the bad. Especially because the bad stuff basically amounts to child abuse.

Then Luke shows up to chat with Jace. So at least I won’t have to deal with more of his moping.

We get some quick details about the big battle, but not much in the way of specifics. Mostly, all the demons scarpered once Valentine went down, and some people died.

Gee, if only someone had been given the ability to make that not happen. OH WELL.

Clary was not at the funeral. I don’t care.

For some reason, Luke wants Jace to get some kind of closure with Valentine. And while I will applaud Luke’s desire to help with Jace’s mental health, maybe we should try to keep in perspective that Valentine was basically fantasy Hitler?

Jace starts talking about Hodge, and how he may not have known which of Valentine’s sons Jace was up until he died. This leads into Jace wondering if, had it been him that stayed with Valentine, and Sebastian/Jonathan that got sent to live with the Lightwoods, would he have turned out the same as Sebastian/Jonathan?

Two things:

This assumes that Jace isn’t the same as Sebastian/Jonathan, an assumption which I very much question, and
I’m glad that someone if finally bringing up the nature/nurture issue.

But of course, Luke kinda quashes that thought almost immediately. And then says that he believes Valentine sent Jace to the Lightwoods “because he knew it was the best chance for [Jace].”

Best chance for what?

No, CC, you do not get to argue that Valentine sent Jace off because he wanted to protect the pure, innocent Jace. Not after almost three books of pounding it into my head just how horrible and evil he is. You do not get to try and redeem him now.

Look, Rowling spent a good chunk of a book exploring Voldemort’s backstory, and while there were certainly moments that elicited pitty, none of them really redeemed Voldemort. And it was made clear quite early on that there was something fundamentally wrong with Tom Riddle from the beginning.

And while I’ve said I very much fall on the nurture side of the nature/nurture argument, I am willing to acknowledge that there are people who have something broken inside them that no amount of love, support, and affection can cure.

But that’s the end of the scene.

Whew! Can’t say this thing doesn’t start lightly, can you?

Next scene is from Clary’s POV. She’s with Isabelle, staring out the window at the smoke from Valentine’s pyre in the distance. And while I don’t blame her for not going – Valentine was literally no one to her – I have to wonder why she’s giving this more than a passing thought.

There’s going to be a big party tonight, and Isabelle is all excited about it. She’s back to being the girly-girl foil to Clary. Case in point:

For Isabelle, Clary thought, clothes would always be therapy.

Okay, first? You barely know her, Clary. You’ve known Jace, Isabelle, and all of them for maybe six weeks, tops. You don’t have the kind of relationship that would allow for a judgement like that.

Second, that is almost certainly not healthy. Isabelle’s brother died only a few days ago. And Isabelle very clearly blamed herself for that. Look, I’ve had a number of relatives pass away in my life, and while none of them were as close as a sibling, and all of them were from natural causes, I don’t really recall any of my relatives that were more closely related to the deceased being all happy-bouncy-exiced only a few days after.

Seriously, the entirety of Shadowhunter society would benefit so much from learning about the existence of therapists.

But now that Isabelle’s got her outfit picked out, she wants to help Clary pick something out. Clary thinks about a fancy dress she saw at Amatis’s place, but decides that Amatis certainly wouldn’t let her wear it, and instead decides to go casual.

CC, stop. Just… stop. There’s nothing left. You don’t need to try to wring any more tension out of this.

Isabelle thinks Clary’s idea is terrible, and asks Aline to back her up. Oh, yeah, Aline is here, too, quietly sitting in the corner with a book.

Her response is to tell Isabelle that what Clary wears is her decision.

I don’t think I’ve ever identified with any character in this entire series more than I am with Aline right now.

And then she has to go and ruin it by providing a segue to talk about Jace. Because the only reason a girl Clary’s age would dress up to go out would be to impress a particular person, and certainly not for herself.

This leads to asking how Clary feels knowing that Jace isn’t her brother.

“Thinking he was my brother was weird. This feels – right.”

Both Hands, Ma’am: 3

CC, they have known each other for maybe six weeks. Stop trying to convince me that their love is the truest true love to ever love. I’m not buying it.

But I guess CC decided she needed to try to milk this relationship for just a few more drops of drama, because Aline comments that it’s weird Jace hasn’t come to see Clary, even if he just got out of the hospital.

Clary apparently didn’t go to see him, either, but there’s no mention of that.

Aline continues to be the closest thing to my avatar in this scene, and points out that maybe the only reason Jace was interested in Clary to begin with was because their relationship would be taboo. Isabelle insists that “Jace isn’t like that.”

Bull. Fucking Shit. Jace makes Barney Stinson look like a monk. I mean early series Barney.

But now that Aline has served her purpose, she departs. And once she’s gone, Isabelle goes all catty, asking Clary if she thinks Aline is jealous, what with her apparent interest in Jace earlier on. Clary responds by being catty back, saying that Aline is “just one of those people who say whatever they’re thinking whenever they think it.”

Our “Heroes”: 1

Clary, you’ve known the girl for like, a week, tops. This is probably why you never had any friends other than Simon – you make these kind of snap judgements about people, and almost nothing will change your opinion.

Also, that sounds a hell of a lot like Jace, and you don’t seem to have a problem when he says whatever stupid-ass thing that pops into his head.

Isabelle apparently had her hair done up in one of those hair-dos that only exist in movies – the kind where removing a single pin causes all her hair to come cascading down.

Isabelle apparently wasn’t quite as confident in Jace’s fidelity as her initial response indicated, because she asks Clary if she thinks Aline was right. Clary says she isn’t sure, and then moves on to asking about what the big celebration will include. Apparently it’s going to be like a street fair in New York, with a parade, and fireworks, and music, and all that stuff.

Oh, and we end the scene with a brief reminder that Max is dead.

Gee, if only someone could have done something about that. Oh, well.

Next scene is back with Jace. And I’m sorry to say that these are the only POVs we’re getting this chapter.

So, Jace is at Amatis’s place. She answers the door, and is wearing a dress that unfortunately is not the one Clary thought of, so I won’t get the satisfaction of Clary being denied something she wants for once in this series.

Jace is, of course, looking for Clary. And we get this lovely bit of description when he’s somewhat tongue-tied:

Bq. “Where had his eloquence gone? [Jace had] always had that, even when he hadn’t had anything else, but now he felt as if he’d been ripped open and all the clever, facile words had poured out of him, leaving him empty.”

I’m sorry, what? Jace has only ever been “clever” or “eloquent” in his own mind.

Anyway, Clary isn’t there, but Amatis drags Jace inside anyway, because she has something she wants to give him.

While Jace is waiting around, he briefly thinks that maybe Clary decided she wasn’t interested in him after all, and for some reason would have Amatis be the one to tell him. Two things:

If Jace seriously believes this, he’s even more deluded than Clary, and
Why on earth would Clary have Amatis – a person she’s only known for about a week – convey that message? Why not, say, Isabelle? Or Simon? Stop trying to force drama into this situation, CC.

Amatis comes back with a box, and starts talking about Jace’s biological father. Jace is – quite reasonably – worried that Amatis might not like him, what with his biological father divorcing her to marry Jace’s mother. I imagine that might be a bit awkward.

Then Amatis says this:

“I know you probably have feelings about him that are very mixed.”

First, that is some very awkward phrasing. “You probably have some mixed feelings about him,” is much less odd. Was the editor asleep by this point?

And second, I don’t think Jace has any feelings towards his biological father, mixed or otherwise. I mean, he literally never knew the man. He died before Jace was even born.

In fact, Amatix notes that Jace doesn’t really look much like his father at all, except for his hair color. Which you’d think might indicate that the man in question – Stephen Herondale – is not Jace’s father. Kind of a reverse Robert Baratheon thing.

But no, that’s not the case. And we’ll get to that soon enough.

Anyway, Amatis gives Jace the box. It’s got a bunch of Stephen’s letters and other junk. I’m not too bothered by this, but I’ll admit I’d prefer it if it were Jace asking for this, rather than Amatis forcing it on him. But I also prefer my protagonists to be on the active side, so what do I know?

Jace shifts the conversation to the Inquisitor from the previous book. Not to ask about her as a person, oh no – he does it to bring up why she had a sudden change of heart when she saw a particular scar on Jace’s shoulder. A scar that was only mentioned for the first time in said book.

Well, turns out it’s not a scar – it’s a birthmark! And what’s more, it supposedly originates with an ancestor of the family getting touched on the shoulder by an angel. And since then, all his male descendants have had that mark.

You just… you couldn’t leave it alone, could you, CC? It’s not enough to give Jace a special birthmark to prove that he is who everyone says he is, but you have to give it an angelic origin.

I just… AAAAAAaaaarrrrrrrgggggghhhhh.

Whatever. These two have a little bonding moment over all this. I just summed up the last three paragraphs of the scene.

There’s only one point of any interest in there, and it’s that literally the only known person to have an actual encounter with an angel before is the idiotically named Jonathan Shadowhunter.

So not only is Jace super-special-awesome because he’s got super-angel blood, he’s also the descendant of someone who’s literally more special than any other Shadowhunter.

Christ, Jace is possibly the biggest Gary Stu ever.

End. Scene.

Back to Clary as she’s walking into Amatis’s place. But don’t go thinking that this is consolidating the POVs. No, it’s some different point in time, because we just have to keep stretching out this non-plot.

Anyway, Clary’s reflecting on how Shadowhunter City is starting to feel familiar, and how maybe it’d be nice to live there permanently. She even briefly wonders about stuff she might miss about New York.

CC, she’s been there for, like, a week. Not having trouble remembering how to get to one of the few places Clary has any reason to visit isn’t some sign of a place feeling like home – she’s just mildly more familiar with the geography.

But now we get some more drama! Clary hears raised voices, so she goes to listen in. It’s Jocelyn and Luke arguing. Seems the new council wants Luke to stay on as a member, which means he won’t be able to go back to New York. Jocelyn is, understandably, upset by this.

And that’s really all there is to it. It’s their first little lovers’ quarrel. Soon will come the make-up sex.

Though I do question exactly who it is that wants Luke on this council. The justification he gives is that he’s “the only pack leader who was once a Shadowhunter,” and while I get that that means he can serve as a kind of bridge between the two groups, he’s also consistently sided with the Shadowhunters whenever a conflict between them and the werewolves have arisen, even when it’s his own pack.

I’m not saying there aren’t reasons for Luke to be part of this, just that I feel there’s reason to question where his loyalties really lie. I wouldn’t be surprised if other werewolves – particularly those not in his pack – view him the same way that, say, African Americans view Candice Owens, or how the gay community views Milo Yiannopoulos.

Luke leaves in a huff. And this whole time, Clary’s just been standing there, listening from the other side of the door. Apparently no one told her that eavesdropping is kinda rude.

After Luke leaves, Clary compares the relationship between Luke and Jocelyn to that between herself and Simon – namely, he loves her, but the feelings aren’t mutual. Maybe.

I think it’s a terrible comparison, because I never got the impression that Jocelyn was only keeping Luke around to serve as her emotional support backup boyfriend, nor did she ever explode into fits of jealous rage at any other woman expressing an interest in him.

But then, I’ve been paying attention to how these characters actually behave, not how I think they’re behaving.

Clary starts tearing up at the thought of her mom and Luke not being able to “fix things” like she and Simon did.

Two things:

Why am I not surprised that Clary found a way to somehow connect this back to herself?
I’d hardly call what you and Simon did “fixing things,” Clary. You were never as invested in that relationship as he was, and he was the one who decided that it wasn’t going to work out, and broke things off. You didn’t really do anything, Clary.

And all of this just makes me yearn for a series where the main relationship is entirely platonic in nature.

Anyway, Clary starts to go in to comfort her mom, but then Amatis enters from the kitchen. And as we all know, only two characters can be part of a scene, so Clary’s forced to stay where she is.

Seems Amatis was also eavesdropping, and she’s glad that Luke is staying, both because he’ll be close (guess she’s feeling a bit lonely), and because maybe he’ll be able to get over Jocelyn. Jocelyn is shocked by this, but Amatis continues to give out the tough love the Fray women desperately deserve:

“If you don’t love him, you ought to let him go.”

Where the hell was this advice two books ago?

But oh, wait – Jocelyn does love Luke! So Amatis does a complete 180, and starts acting like a giddy teenager finding out about her friend’s crush. Because everyone in these books has the maturity of high schoolers when it comes to relationships.

Amatis manages to convince Jocelyn to go tell Luke how she feels, and it’s only then that they notice that Clary’s been standing in the doorway since Luke left. I’m kinda curious as to how that could happen – what possible arrangement of furniture would allow for neither of these women to see that Clary was standing there?

Clary opens the front door and tells her mom to go after Luke, which she does. And just like that, this little bit of drama is resolved.

Entirely Pointless: 1

Cool. Great. Whatever.

Now that there’s only two characters in the scene again, they can interact. Amatis tells Clary about Jace stopping by. Clary decides to ask about the dress she thought about earlier. Because, let’s face it – this “celebration” is basically prom.

End scene.

Time skip. Still with Clary. She’s heading back to the Lightwoods’ place for… some reason. Okay.

Description of various other folks on the street. Outfits are described as ranging “from the modern to what bordered on historical costumery.” That’s an… interesting choice of words. Apparently some Shadowhunter women are wearing full-on ball gowns, which strikes me as an odd choice, not only because they’re incredibly impractical, but also because there’s a lot of work that goes into wearing an outfit like that.

Clary spots Raphael with some woman. He spots Clary, and smiles at her. And Clary’s reaction is… something else.

He glanced over his shoulder and smiled at Clary, a smile that sent a little shiver over her, and she thought that it was true that there really was something alien about Downworlders sometimes, something alien and frightening.

I’m bothered by this because, as someone living in the American South, I’m keenly aware of how stuff like this (i.e. “the scary minority man smiled at/nodded at/spoke to me, a White woman”) can lead to some “very bad things.”:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tulsa_race_massacre I’m not saying that CC did this on purpose, but the fact that Raphael is not only a vampire, but also Latino, makes me a bit wary of stuff like this.

And no, the tagged-on “everything that was frighening wasn’t necessarily also bad,” doesn’t really help much.

Because I really can’t help but notice that it seems that the vast majority of Shadowhunters – including the entirety of the main group – are all white, while all the POC characters are Downworlders. And that’s one of probably the very few things I’ll complement the show on: making Luke black.

But enough of that. We’re two paragraphs into this scene, with plenty more to go.

Clary reaches the Lightwoods’ place, where the parents are standing outside, talking to some other adults. We’re told that Maryse looks a lot like Isabelle, and reminded once again that Max is dead.

Isabelle spots Clary and “bounces” out of the house. Seriously, this girl probably needs therapy. She is wearing neither of the outfits from before, because reasons. The dress she is wearing “[hugs] her body like the closed petals of a flower,” which I can only conclude is a nice way of saying it’s very tight, leaving little to the imagination.

Because Isabelle is the sexy one. That’s probably half her character.

Isabelle complements Clary’s outfit. It’s the dress she was thinking about earlier. Why was her getting to borrow this dress treated as something even remotely resembling a plot again?

Entirely Pointless: 2

Isabelle tells Clary that Jace isn’t there, because even she knows what Clary’s priorities are.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 4

Alec and Aline show up. Aline is in a dress; Alec is in regular clothes. Good for him – don’t give in to pressure to conform.

Aline is nervous about partying with Downworlders, because I guess CC felt the need to distract from Clary’s internal quasi-racism with someone else expressing more overt quasi-racism.

As opposed to, you know, just not including it in the first place.

Isabelle assures Aline that it’ll be fine, though. I’m glad it’s her doing that, because I think I’d have an aneurysm if it came from Clary.

The group heads down the street, and runs into Simon and Maia. No description of Simon’s outfit, but Maia’s is: camo pants and a D&D t-shirt (black, text reading “Choose Your Weapon” above several dice). Clary, unsurprisingly, thinks of this as a “gamer tee,” presumably because she’s not cool enough to play D&D.

[preens in DM]

No, I don’t care if this was back in the days of late-3.5/4e. Clary isn’t cool enough for D&D.

Also, she wonders whether Maia is really a gamer, or is just trying to impress Simon. Three things:

One: GTFO with that “fake gamer/geek girl” shit, Clary

Two: are you seriously trying to imply that Maia went all the way back to New York (reminder – we’re in Alsace-Lorraine or wherever), bought that shirt, and then came back, all just to impress a boy? I get that Clary would probably do something like that, Maia isn’t Clary. And given the unlikelihood of all that, it means that Maia already had the shirt, so even if she is trying to impress Simon, she’s trying to impress him with who she is.

Three: Simon, you should immediately abandon all attempts to get with either Clary or Isabelle, and hook up with Maia ASAP. No, I don’t care how hot Isabelle is, you probably have a lot more in common with Maia, which is much more important.

Clary asks Simon about the Mark of Cain, namely whether it worked, and regrets that she can’t get rid of it. Wow! Showing actual concern for a non-Jace character! I am legitimately shocked.

But, I have to do this.

You Keep Using That Word: 2 (“Mark”)

They then move on to politics, specifically who the vampires picked as their representative on the new council. Simon says a pretentious name, “Nightshade or something.”

Given how so many Shadowhunter names are similar, let alone that their founder was apparently literally named Shadowhunter, is it really all that pretentious?

Oh, and Clary’s been tapped to design the logo for the council. Because why bring on, say, an actual artist, or set up some kind of committee, when you can just let the 16-year-old do it?

And she’s planning on incorporating symbols representing each of the four types of Downworlder. Symbols that she herself has chosen. I mean, if it were me, I’d probably ask each group if they have a particular symbol they like, but what do I know?

And of course Simon congratulates Clary. Oh, wait, correction: he says she “deserves the honor.” And then goes on to praise her for basically accomplishing all of this. And not just the new alliance, but saving everyone as well. Because none of this would have been possible without Clary’s help.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 5

Oh, sure. I mean, why give any credit to, say, Luke? I mean, he only busted his ass trying to get this whole alliance and council thing set up. Most of that happened off-screen, so it doesn’t really count. Meanwhile, Clary used her bullshit no-rules powers to solve the whole mess with almost no effort. Clearly, she deserves all the credit.

And no, I’m not buying Clary getting all choked up about this. You can’t fool me, CC.

Seriously – Simon claims that somehow, given everything that happened, there’s no way the relationship between the Shadowhunters and Downworlders would have changed without Clary’s fancy new rune. Because disparate groups coming together to fight a common enemy never develops into a more long-term, positive relationship.

Un-Logic: 1

Both Hands, Ma’am: 6

After all of that’s done, Clary mentions something that I’ve been harping on for a while now – they’re supposed to be in school. Apparently they’ve missed some, though exactly how much is a bit vague.

Looks like someone reminded CC that this whole thing began two weeks before Clary was supposed to start school. This is why you should probably work out some kind of timeline when writing a YA Urban Fantasy series – school is a thing, and it’s kind of important.

Also, Magus apparently did some magic shit to Simon’s mom to stop her from freaking out about his sudden disappearance. Feel like this would have been nice to establish earlier. Like, say, having Clary get a call from Simon’s mom asking if she knows where he is. As is, this feels like a last-minute attempt to cover over a pretty obvious oversight.

Anyway, Simon shows a certain degree of medium awareness here, saying that Clary won’t go back to school, because she’s basically embraced the whole Shadowhunter thing. And Clary doesn’t even bother faking a refutation of this.

Gee, it’s almost like she’s been gung-ho to abandon her normal life from the get-go.

Meanwhile, Simon says he’s going to keep going to school, and try to lead as normal a life as possible. Clary then says that everyone’s going to freak out when he does show up, because he’s suddenly hotter now, due to the whole vampire thing. As proof, she points to Isabelle and Maia, who are acting like stereotypical teenage girls talking about a cute guy.

This is the part where I’d like to remind CC that both of those girls expressed an interest in Simon before he became a vampire. So maybe it’s not that Simon’s suddenly more attractive, but that Clary suddenly sees him as a viable romantic interest. Too bad she didn’t realize this sooner; it might have saved Simon a lot of pain in the long run.

This is followed by a pretty poor attempt at witty banter.

“Look, you can date whoever you want and I will totally support you. I am all about support. Support is my middle name.”
“So that’s why you never told me your middle name. I figured it was something embarrassing.”

Rapier Twit: 1

No, CC. Just… no.

But despite claiming that she’ll totally support Simon’s choice of girlfriend, Clary still has one demand: that he not cut her out of his life if said girlfriend is super jealous of their friendship.

Clary, you’re the one who’s been constantly having fits of jealous rage whenever another girl showed an interest in Simon. Stop projecting your own insecurities onto everyone around you.

But Simon assures Clary that that would never happen, because him being friends with Clary is non-negotiable. Personally, if I were in a situation like that, I’d find that a bit concerning, especially given the “Simon spent years carrying a torch for Clary.” Given that, I think every girl Simon might date has a right to be suspicious of his relationship with Clary. If it were me, I’d be worried Simon was like David from the movie Shaun of the Dead – dating someone else while not-so-secretly waiting for the opportunity to make a move on the actual target of his affections.

Doesn’t really help that that’s kinda what Simon was apparently doing before the series began.

Simon decides to cap off this declaration of how he and Clary are a package deal like this:

“I wouldn’t cut you out of my life, Clary, any more than I would cut off my right hand and give it to someone as a Valentine’s Day gift.”
“Gross,” said Clary. “Must you?”
He grinned. “I must.”

Rapier Twit: 2

Stop it, CC. Just… stop.

Mercifully, that’s where the scene ends.

Time skip. Now we’re at the town square. Someone has apparently dropped a bunch of fully-grown trees into the square. I can’t help but wonder if anyone’s miffed about this. Clary briefly wonders if they’re magic, then remembers how Magnus just poofed stuff into his apartment all the time.

Thanks, Clary. I really needed to be reminded that Magnus has no problem stealing shit for his own use.

Anyway, people are mingling. And there’s no real displays of racism, or at least nothing overt. It’s almost like that whole plot point has served its purpose, and has been completely jettisoned.

Simon spots a kelpie walking around with a glass of blue liquid, and understandably is concerned. But Isabelle reassures him that “everything here ought to be safe to drink.”

Which does not help to reassure Aline, but who cares about her?

Alec spots Magnus, who comes over to join them. Magnus is dressed in a fancy Victorian-style suit. There’s some flirting between the two, which includes Magnus offering to probably steal a fancy suit for Alec. This is supposed to be funny.

Rapier Twit: 3

While Alec is all flustered and Isabelle is laughing at her brother, Magnus tells Clary to head to town hall. Clary, rather than asking why, decides to go, because asking would be rude or something. Whatever the reason, she decides to ditch the people she came with, like so many “good girls” do at prom.

Big surprise, Jace is waiting for her. And all it takes is seeing his outline against one of the pillars to get her all hot-and-bothered.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 6

Jace is wearing normal clothes, so of course Clary feels overdressed. He’s also busy staring at the box he got earlier. When he does notice Clary, he compliments her, which of course gets her even more hot-and-bothered.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 7

But of course, the fact that he doesn’t immediately start ravishing her right then and there has Clary all worried that maybe he really was only interested in her because it was taboo.

This is the closest thing we have to a plot now, isn’t it?

Clary asks about the box.

I apologize for nothing.

Anyway, Jace explains. It’s full of letters and pages from his biological father’s journal. Strangely, Jace feels no connection at all to Stephen Herondale. Well, no shit – he died before you were born. You never knew the man. He is, for all intents and purposes, a complete stranger to you.

No Shit Sherlock: 1

Then we get the origins of why he’s called “Jace” – some time after he first came to New York, he told Maryse that his middle name was Christopher, so she started calling him “Jace.” Not “J.C.,” which would have actually made sense, no.

Although, given everything else we’ve learned about him, calling him “J.C.” would have been a bit too on-the-nose.

There’s also much projecting from both of them about Maryse’s motives. Here’s a thought – why don’t you just ask her? I mean, it’s not like she’d have any reason to keep it a secret or whatever.

So now I guess we get around to the real point – answering the question of why Jace really is. And they decide he’s a Lightwood. And I continue to ask: did the Lighwoods ever officially adopt Jace? I thought they were just his legal guardians.

Also, nice way to shit on the whole Herondale legacy. Guess we’re willing to let that family just die out. Cool.

We get a quick reminder of just how much of a shit Valentine was as a father. So, why did we have all that attempted redemption earlier? Make up your damn mind, CC.

Also, Clary is incapable of grasping social cues, because she ends her whole speech about family with a comment about Jace possibly wanting to be alone, he agrees, and she takes that as a request to leave, rather than him, you know, agreeing with all the stuff she said.

Clary turns back to look at Jace, so we get a lengthy catalog of how he looks.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 8

Also, mention that when she first saw him, she thought he looked, “beautiful and deadly.” For some reason, Clary continues to fail to grasp that something looking deadly is nature’s way of saying “stay away.”

They start talking about their relationship. It goes on for several pages. I’m skipping most of it, but there are a few bits I would like to point out.

Like when Jace admits that, for a long time, he believed that having affection for another person made you weak. So, basically, admitting he was kind of a sociopath.

Strangely, this does not repulse Clary. Probably because she thinks she’s “fixed” him. Except this isn’t the kind of thing that can be “fixed” with the “love of a good woman.”

Secondly, when Jace brings up his killing of Sebastian/Jonathan, he attributes his victory to his feelings of Clary giving him the necessary motivation or whatever to win.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 9

And of course, he makes no mention of Isabelle, or how she literally cut off one of Sebastian/Jonathan’s hands. Pretty sure being outnumbered and bleeding severely is the kind of thing that shifts the odds in a fight like that.

Our “Heroes”: 2

And this whole time, Clary is basically a statue, because the real point is to have her just stand there and receive all this praise. Because it’s her due, or something.

Anyway, blah blah, Jace is still attracted to her.

They kiss, and it’s all amazing and whatnot. The description goes on for two paragraphs. In the movie version, this would no doubt have included fireworks going off in the background.

Both Hands, Ma’am: 10

If there’s one small mercy here, it’s that there’s no audience to “ooh” and “aah” over all this.

And the scene ends with a pan-to-the-fireplace.

Ugh.

And somehow, there’s still more.

We mercifully skip over the sex. Or whatever. Gotta keep things relatively tame, after all.

Clary and Jace meet up with everyone else. The rest of the gang has managed to grab a table. Isabelle continues to be far too bubbly for my tastes. She passes Clary a glass containing something the narration describes as being “fuchsia” in color. When she asks if Jace wants any, he responds thusly:

“I am a man,” he told her, “and men do not consume pink beverages. Get thee gone, woman, and bring me something brown.”

Is… is this supposed to be a reference to something? Because if so, it’s very stupid and awkward. Like most of these lines are.

Rapier Twit: 4

Also, after looking at some photos of the plant fuschia, they’re more of a red-purple, not pink.

And for some reason, this leads to a bit. Isabelle asks why brown, and Jace responds that it’s a “manly color,” then notes that Alec’s shirt is brown. Alec replies that his shirt was black, but it’s now faded.

Now, I’ve owned a number of black shirts and other articles of clothing over the years. Black does not fade to brown. It fades to gray. Has CC never owned any black clothes?

Magus suggests he try accessorizing with a sequined headband. Simon suggests he not, because he’ll “look like Olivia Newton-John in _Xanadu._”

On the one hand, that’s much more amusing than what Jace said. But this is also probably the biggest indicator of CC not quite being able to separate her own experience from her characters. Because she’s probably about 20 years older than most of these characters, and I have my doubts that Simon would have ever seen Xanadu.

Simon “detaches” from the wall to talk to Clary. Man, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen that particular verb usage.

You Keep Using That Word: 3

Man, this chapter’s just got everything, doesn’t it?

Simon tries to go for the “big brother being protective of his sister” thing, and it just does not work. Mostly because of this bit:

Jace raised an eyebrow. “Is this the part where you tell me that if I hurt her, you’ll kill me?”
“No,” said Simon. “If you hurt Clary, she’s quite capable of killing you herself. Possibly with a variety of weapons.”

I mean, when has Clary ever demonstrated even the slightest capability of using any kind of weapon? The closest she came was waaaay back in the first book, where she threw a dagger at that one werewolf. And even then, she had a magical assist.

I mean, I feel like Clary’s more the kind of person you don’t let handle sharp objects because she’ll end up hurting herself.

Anyway, Simon acts like the bigger man, saying that he doesn’t care whether Jace likes him or not, because he makes Clary happy.

Interesting that Clary is allowed to have a boyfriend who doesn’t like Simon, but any girlfriend of Simon has to be okay with Clary.

Jace says that he doesn’t dislike Simon.

Well, fuck, you could’ve fooled me! I mean, what with constantly insulting him, rarely ever referring to Simon by his name, basically calling him your culture’s version of the n-word for a one and a half books…

I mean, what other conclusion is Simon supposed to draw from all that?

Oh, but Jace goes on. He wants to give Simon some advice. He – just like Clary – implies that the only reason Isabelle and Maia are interested in Simon is because he’s a vampire. Also, Simon should drop the whole “being in a band” thing. And he also implies that Simon must be a crap musician, despite never having seen him

Okay, first? Fuck you, Jace. I’ve already pointed out that both Isabelle and Maia expressed an interest in Simon before he became a vampire.

And second, when has being in a band not helped a guy get a girl? Shit, Jace plays fucking piano. So Jace, as far as I’m concerned, you can take your “advice” and shove it up your ass.

By all rights, Simon should say all that, flip off both Jace and Clary, and go see if he can work out a threesome with Isabelle and Maia.

But Jace is one half of the series’ OTP, so he can’t be wrong. So Simon just sighs and takes it.

Clary chastises them both for being jerks to each other. Hey, Clary, I’ve seen all their interactions, and only one of them has ever been the jerk. And it ain’t Simon.

Simon manages to get in a good quip, and that little scene-let comes to a close.

Clary walks off, and spots the fairy queen from the last book. She wants a word with Clary. Seems she wants a favor from Clary.

Clary responds that the fairy queen doesn’t like her, to which the queen doesn’t really give a shit. Anyway, she wants Clary to use her relationship with Luke to push her preferred candidate for the new council. And of course, it’s the guy Isabelle was dating. Because heaven forbid CC be forced to come up with another character.

Clary points out that she doesn’t think Luke likes said guy much. The queen again makes it clear that she’s not really concerned about what Luke “likes”.

And I want to stop here for a second, because I have two issues.

First, why is the queen trying to get help from Clary? Surely there are other people with far more influence she could be talking to.

Second, why does Luke have any say on who the fairy representative is? It’s a representative body, not a club. The members of the UN don’t get to vote on who gets to serve as an ambassador.

Also, I really wish the queen would just say, “this is politics; ‘like’ doesn’t enter into it.”

For some reason, Clary switches over to what happened in the last book, and kinda tries to claim that the fairy queen lied to her. But I mean, this is a fairy queen, so she’s well-versed in twisting the truth to get her way. She also insinuates that Jocelyn might not have told her the whole truth regarding her past.

This causes Clary to freeze up for a moment and think about a whole bunch of stuff, before finally coming out of it. She wisely decides not to take the queen’s offer, and leaves.

End scene.

And apparently that scene break is there for purely dramatic purposes, because we pick up with Clary rejoining her friends.

A Word From Our Sponsors: 1

(Fun fact: the Old Spice guy in this commercial – Isaia Mustafa – played Luke in the Shadowhunters tv series.)

The Lightwood parents have shown up, and are being very friendly with Magnus. It’s almost like the whole “Shadowhunters are super homophobic” thing was only there to cause unnecessary drama.

Entirely Pointless: 3

I don’t know if I counted that before, and I don’t care. You dragged this thing out over three books, CC; you don’t get to just toss it aside now.

And now Jocelyn and Luke are there. Seems they’ve made up. Also, Luke decided to stay in New York. I mean, why was this even an issue to begin with? Can’t he just zip between there and Shadowhunter City in an instant? It’s not like he has to take a plane or anything.

Plot Hole: 1

Jocelyn hops off, letting Luke and Clary talk. Seems Luke never really intended to leave New York; he just said that to get Jocelyn to commit. Which is pretty manipulative, and I can’t help but wonder how she’ll feel if/when she finds out.

Our “Heroes”: 3

Was that petty? Probably, but I’m two pages from finishing this mess, so I don’t care.

Luke asks if Clary’s alright with all the changes that’ll be coming, in particular him asking Jocelyn to move in with him. Clary shrugs it off, given everything else that’s changed in her life recently.

That done, Isabelle shouts for Clary to join them to watch the fireworks. Clary does so, and is a bit miffed when there aren’t any fireworks going off.

I mean, fireworks aren’t exactly subtle. You’d probably know if they were going off.

But we do get a semi-decent line from Maia:

“Patience, grasshopper,” said Maia. “Good things come to those who wait.”

Simon, I’ll say it again: forget every other girl you might be interested in, and hook up with Maia now.

Unfortunately, he instead elects to make a dumb joke, which is made worse by Jace.

“I always thought that was ‘Good things come to those who do the wave,’” said Simon. “No wonder I’ve been so confused all my life.”
“‘Confused’ is a nice word for it,” said Jace.

Rapier Twit: 6

Our “Heroes”: 4

Yes, both of those deserve a point.

Jace asks Clary where she disappeared to, and she tells him about the fairy queen’s offer. He’s shocked that she turned it down, but it gives Clary another chance to brag about how wonderful everything is now.

For some reason, Jace starts playing with the chain around Clary’s neck – the same chain with the family ring Jace left with her before the climax.

Thanks for reminding me about that, CC. That would have made a nice plot token to help them track Jace down. Shame you didn’t actually use it.

Entirely Pointless: 4

Clary takes a minute to think about all the people who have died over the course of this series, and thinks how the memories of all of them are valuable in their own way. Shame how some of them died so tragically. If only someone could have brought them back from the dead or something.

Our “Heroes”: 4

Blah, blah, change is necessary. Blah, blah, Downworlders are people, too.

Jace draws Clary’s attention to the sky, and the fireworks. The final line of the book is a description of the fireworks, describing them as “like angels falling from the sky.”

Because of course that’s the description CC decided to go with.

And that’s the end of the book.

To quote from the end of my notes:

Thank Christ, it’s finally fucking over.

And I still agree with that sentiment.

So that’s the end of City of Glass. I’m going to save my final thought on this book, the series, and possibly my plans for the future for later. Because right now, this one sporking is a whopping 26 pages long. I don’t feel like going back and checking, but I’m willing to bet that’s probably the longest single sporking for this book.

I’ll see you all next time, when I can just discuss this book, rather than dissect it.

See you then.

Counts

Both Hands Ma’am: 10 (Total: 84)
Entirely Pointless: 4 (Total: 21)
Our “Heroes”: 3 (Total: 84)
Plot Hole: 1 (Total: 17)
Rapier Twit: 4 (Total: 11)
You Keep Using That Word: 3 (Total: 157)
Shoddy World Building: 0 (Total: 33)
No Shit Sherlock: 1 ( Total: 6)
A Word From Our Sponsors: 1 (Total: 11)

Comment [3]

So, here we are. I’ve finished sporking City of Glass, the third book of the Mortal Instruments series. And it’s been a trek, both getting through this book, and through the previous two.

First, let’s begin with my final thoughts on City of Glass

City of Glass

Honestly, I’m not entirely certain where to begin. So I guess I’ll go with what I usually do, and take a look at the counts.

Final Counts

Both Hands Ma’am: 84
Entirely Pointless: 21
Our “Heroes”: 84
Plot Hole: 17
Rapier Twit: 11
You Keep Using That Word: 157
Shoddy World Building: 33
No Shit Sherlock: 6
A Word From Our Sponsors: 11
Un-Logic: 15

Some of those are pretty high. I’m particularly bothered by how high the Our “Heroes” is.

Now, just for the sake of comparison, let’s look at the previous books.

Here’s the final counts for City of Bones (with some corrections to the names):

You Keep Using That Word: 110
Rapier Twit: 71
No Shit Sherlock: 48
Plot Hole: 89
A Word From Our Sponsors: 24
Both Hands, Ma’am: 32
Our “Heroes”: 26

And here’s the same from City of Ashes:

Entirely Pointless: 44
Un-Logic: 57
You Keep Using That Word: 92
Shoddy World Building: 43
Rapier Twit: 67
Our “Heroes”: 161
No Shit Sherlock: 16
Both Hands, Ma’am: 111
A Word from Our Sponsors: 12

So, one the one hand, CC got somewhat better about heaping praise on Jace/Clary and/or giving overly flattering descriptions of Jace. And she/her editor has gotten better at trimming details or plot points that served no purpose. Also, there’s a lot fewer instances of the protagonists engaging in bad behaviors that never get called out.

Well, either that, or I’ve just developed a tolerance for that stuff.

I’m also very pleased with the sharp decrease in characters trying to be “funny”, especially Jace.

So I’ll grant CC this much – she did improve as a writer between the publication of her first book and her third.

But given that her first book has a general vibe of being a work of fanfiction that got tweaked just enough to avoid copyright infringement, and that CC’s fanfic (while popular) was maybe not of the highest quality, that’s probably not saying a lot.

Now that that’s done, let’s get to the problems. And where better to begin, than where this all started – the blurb.

Love is a mortal sin, and the secrets of the past are deadly. Plunge into the third installment in the internationally bestselling Mortal Instruments series and “prepare to be hooked” (Entertainment Weekly).
To save her mother’s life, Clary must travel to the City of Glass, the ancestral home of the Shadowhunters—never mind that entering the city without permission is against the Law, and breaking the Law could mean death. To make things worse, she learns that Jace does not want her there, and Simon has been thrown in prison by the Shadowhunters, who are deeply suspicious of a vampire who can withstand sunlight.
As Clary uncovers more about her family’s past, she finds an ally in mysterious Shadowhunter Sebastian. With Valentine mustering the full force of his power to destroy all Shadowhunters forever, their only chance to defeat him is to fight alongside their eternal enemies. But can Downworlders and Shadowhunters put aside their hatred to work together? While Jace realizes exactly how much he’s willing to risk for Clary, can she harness her newfound powers to help save the Glass City—whatever the cost?
Love is a mortal sin and the secrets of the past prove deadly as Clary and Jace face down Valentine in the third installment of bestselling series the Mortal Instruments.

First point: Clary goes to Shadowhunter City to find a cure for her mom. This is true, technically speaking.

So, kudos for that.

Also, Jace doesn’t want her to come, and Simon gets thrown in prison.

But as far as consequences for sneaking in, I don’t recall any. I mean, the biggest issue for Clary getting there was that Luke was leading the way, and Shadowhunters didn’t approve of Downworlders coming in after dark.

The impression I get reading this is that there will be some conflict between Clary and Jace over whether she can go. We sort of get that, but it’s basically confined to the first chapter, with Jace trying to get Simon to trick Clary into arriving too late. By the time it might come up again, it’s too late to do anything about it.

Moving on, Clary does learn more about her family’s past, but most of that happens via info-dumps. She doesn’t go looking into this stuff on purpose, nor does she ever demonstrate an active interest in uncovering any of it.

Sebastian technically helps her out. Once. I can only assume he’s mentioned here to tease a possible love triangle plot.

Given the mention of Valentine getting ready to put his Evil Plan ™ into action, as well as the Shadowhunters and Downworlders having to figure out how to work together, you’d expect more of this book to focus on that. Well, more than that one scene from Luke’s POV and the maybe two bits of Clary giving speeches.

The stuff about Jace figuring out “how much he’s willing to risk for Clary” is… eh? Like, was this ever really in doubt? I mean, by anyone not convinced that the only reason he does anything to help Clary is because it might help him get in her pants, that is.

And the same goes for whether or not Clary will “harness her newfound powers” to save the day. I mean, at no point in this series has she ever really struggled to make use of her powers. She’s never really put any effort into figuring out how they work, or what limitations they might have. And don’t try to claim that Clary’s dreams/visions count, because she never puts any thought or effort into figuring out if there’s any secret message in them.

Also, neither Clary nor Jace had to make any real sacrifices to win. No, I don’t consider Max’s death to count, because neither of them seem overly concerned about it. Hell, Isabelle has more of a reaction, and part of that involved having sex with Simon.

And at no point do any “secrets of the past” turn out to be “deadly”. I mean, I guess you could count the existence of Sebastian/Jonathan, but that’s not what I imagine when I hear a phrase like that. When I hear that kind of thing, I think more along the lines of a conspiracy thriller – information that puts people in danger simply by knowing it.

So all in all, I’d say the blurb isn’t a very accurate representation of the book’s contents. And while I understand that authors probably have as much say in what goes into the blurb as they do the cover, I do still expect the blurb to give a somewhat accurate depiction of what happens in the book.

And speaking of which, let’s dig into stuff that CC did have control over – the actual content of the book.

Now, I have quite a few problems with this book. I mean, look at the different counts. I’ve got dings for incesant and stupid terminology, bad world building, and a myriad of issues with the characters.

But really, all of that isn’t a big deal. I mean, all of that makes this book pretty bad, but the real problems are much deeper. And really, there’s two real, bone-deep problems with this book:

First, that it feels like the focus is on the wrong story. It seems like there’s a bigger, much more interesting, much more important story going on, and these characters are on the fringes of it.

Now, that’s not a terrible idea for a story. There’s a number of very good stories that are told largely, if not entirely, from the perspective of characters on its periphery, or who aren’t entirely aware of what’s going on. I mean, that’s basically the premise of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead as well as the first Black Company) book.

But the thing about those is, the intended audience is likely aware of the details of the larger plot from other works, or is familiar enough with the genre to extrapolate them. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern only works if you know the plot of Hamlet; and The Black Company only works if you’ve read Lord of the Rings.

We don’t have that here. We know that the Shadowhunter leadership is scrambling to figure out how to deal with Valentine. We know that, because the book starts with all the Shadowhunters – including the kids – being called to HQ to deal with the situation. So clearly this is a big issue.

And yet, we barely get to see any of that. We get a few glimpses and little details, mostly from Alec (who I can only assume, being the new kid, spent most of the sessions sitting there keeping his mouth shut), and one scene of Luke trying to get enough support together to get his proposal heard.

That’s it.

What do we get instead? Teenage soap opera dramatics on repeat.

Now some might point out that one of the series the CC pulled a lot of inspiration from – the Harry Potter books – did the same thing later on. But let’s dig into that, briefly.

In Order of the Phoenix, Harry is very much aware of the threat Voldemort represents. Heck, everyone is. And yes, that includes the Ministry of Magic – why else would they work so hard to keep that information away from the public? But more to the point, Harry wants to be involved in the fight against Voldemort. He wants to be induced into the Order.

It’s the adults in the Order that are keeping him out. They’re the ones keeping him in the dark. And that act, and the reasons behind it, form one of the major conflicts of the book.

In the following book, Half-Blood Prince, those obstacles aren’t there, or at least have been reduced. Yet still, Harry decides to go back to school, rather than drop out and join the fight. Why not? Because a Half-Blood Prince is about Harry getting taught as much as possible so that he can go fight Voldemort. It’s like if Luke’s training sequence on Dagobah in ESB was a novel. And because of all that, Harry’s in a much better position to confront Voldemort in the final book.

But that’s not the case with City of Glass. The characters who have the most reason to want to fight Valentine are shoved to the side and told to leave it to the adults. And I understand why – they are, for the most part, still minors in Shadowhunter society. I can understand that.

What I don’t understand is why they just accept it.

Why aren’t they pushing to at least talk to the full council? Why aren’t they trying to figure out Valentine’s plan? Why are they content to just sit there and leave everything to the adults?

It’s one thing to have protagonists be reacting to actions taken by the villain; it’s another when that’s all they do.

And because they have nothing to do, we get the stupid teen soap opera antics.

Which brings me to my other major gripe with this book:

The plot we do get is an Idiot Plot.

Just so much of it. Basically everything that happens up until Valentine decides to show up and start doing shit could be resolved in about 5 minutes if the characters weren’t all blithering idiots.

Jace not wanting Clary to come to Shadowhunter Land? Gee, maybe if Jace, I don’t know, talked to her, she’d understand. Or at least settle the issue.

Simon getting dragged to Shadowhunter City, and then being thrown in prison? Well, maybe it wouldn’t be resolved, but at the very least we could focus on that instead of just leaving him to languish.

And speaking of Simon, all the shit around keeping both him and Clary unaware of the other, and all the subsequent fallout? None of that would have happened if either A) Jace had figured out that Clary would probably respond better to him being honest with her, rather than trying to cover his own ass, or B) if anyone else had considered that Clary’s friend being in prison was just slightly more important than providing cover for Jace or whatever.

And don’t get me started on the whole Jace/Clary relationship mess. If Clary just slightly less concerned with who Jace is exchanging bodily fluids with – while under the impression that he’s her brother, I remind you – then maybe she would have learned about Simon from someone other than Sebastian/Jonathan, and thus we could have avoided all the crap from the above point.

Seriously. If just one person in this group didn’t act like an idiotic, overly-hormonal teenager, a good portion of the plot for the first third of this book wouldn’t have happened. Now I understand that there are certain expectations for the length of books, but when the driving force behind a third or so of a book’s length requires the characters to act like idiots? That’s all on the author.

But, to complete the praise-criticism-praise sandwich, I will admit this: I think there’s at least the germ of a good idea in here – namely the “trying to get the Shadowhunters and Downworlders to work together” plot. If the book had focused more on that, maybe with a dash of “Valentine loyalists working to undermine peace efforts”, this could have been really good.

And I think that’s about all I have to say about City of Glass in particular. So let’s move on to the three books as a whole.

Mortal Instruments series

Looking back at some of my earlier sporkings, I can say that I might have been unduly harsh in some cases. I mean, I literally started my introduction to the first book by calling it “crap.” The only defense I can offer is that I had little to no experience sporking, so I decided to go for the cheap jokes. And that’s not fair.

So no, I think it’s a bit much to call this series “crap.”

But I also don’t think it’s an entirely inaccurate statement, either. I mean, there’s a reason some of those counts exist, after all.

I’m having a bit of trouble organizing my thoughts, so I think I’ll try going through the major characters, and their “arcs” or lack thereof.

Clary: Clary was probably intended to be seen in CoB as a “typical” teenage girl, likely similar to the intended audience, to make it easy for them to identify with her; she’s “artistic”, she’s “not popular”, she’s into geeky stuff like anime and comic books. Again, probably a lot like the books’ target audience.

But beyond that? There’s not a whole lot to her. She’s kind of a blank slate. Admittedly, not as much of a blank slate as the protagonist of certain other YA series, but still. And as such, she doesn’t really change all that much over the three books.

What exactly is Clary’s character arc? I mean, is it about finding confidence in herself? I mean, there was that bit in the later chapters about Jace always believing in her or whatever, but Clary never really seemed to need help making her thoughts or opinions known.

Case in point: in chapter two of CoB, Clary had no problem whatsoever telling Simon – her best/only friend – that she wanted to bail on poetry night at that coffee shop, even though Simon was there to support one of his friends. The only time she seems to have any trouble asserting herself is when it comes to Jace.

Okay, so if it’s not that, maybe it’s about finding family, or acceptance, or something? Well, again, was that really a problem for her? I mean, yes, Clary is presented as being someone on the fringes of teen society (see: not popular, lack of friends), but that’s never really presented as a problem. Mostly because we never really see her in a situation where she has to interact with mundanes, other than Simon.

I mean, there’s a reason the first few chapters of the early Harry Potter books (especially the first one) dealt with his life with the Dursleys – it’s to establish just how different his life at Hogwarts is compared to his life at “home.”

So really, Clary’s arc seems to be: normal, totally identifiable teenage girl finds out she’s actually super special, ends up with dream boyfriend and never has to go back to stupid high school.

Her “arc” is basically a wish fulfillment fantasy for the target audience. Which is fine for, say, a work of fanfiction. Not so much for a novel, let alone a series of novels.

Jace: If Clary has almost no arc, Jace seems to have even less. He starts out as a conceited, sarcastic asshole in the first book, continues to be a conceited, sarcastic asshole in the second, and ends the third as a conceited, sarcastic asshole.

Now, CC might try to present Jace as being deeper than that, especially in the scenes from his POV. I’m sure she wants to give the impression that Jace is conflicted about stuff, but how conflicted is he, really?

I mean, there’s the “my dad is actually the bad guy” stuff, but this doesn’t really seem to be something Jace struggles with. Any issues that arise from that seem to largely be external, rather than internal. At no point does Jace stop and reflect on things Valentine might have taught him, things he considered fundamental truths or whatever, and wonder if they might be wrong. Nor does he struggle to reconcile the fact that the man he knew as his father and the guy he’d been taught was the Greatest Villain Ever happen to be the same man. He just accepts it, and then moves on, like it’s no big deal.

There is some internal conflict over his relationship with Clary. Some. Mostly in the vein of “I’m really attracted to her… but I shouldn’t be… but I am… but I shouldn’t be…” And to his credit, he does try to address this. Kinda. In one book. For a little while. And then in this book, after spending maybe five minutes in Clary’s presence, decides “fuck it.”

And then CC pulls a solution out of nowhere, so that little conflict is nicely resolved, with no real consequences.

Simon: Oh, Simon. Man, you got done dirty. Simon is, at least in my opinion, the most interesting character, not to mention the most well developed. I mean, he’s pretty much the only character who seems to have a life outside the confines of what’s on the page. Yes, that’s mostly confined to anecdotes about the band he’s in, which seem to exist largely to serve as jokes, but it’s something.

I’ll admit, Simon doesn’t really have much of an arc, either, but that’s balanced somewhat by him being, you know, interesting. Honestly, I think the biggest mistake with Simon was making him a vampire; as a regular person who happens to get dragged into all this supernatural stuff, he could provide an interesting perspective on all this stuff. If the group were the Scooby Gang from Buffy:tVS, Simon would be Xander.

More importantly, Simon could serve as the connection/temptation of a normal life for Clary. A nice metaphor for everything she might lose by embracing being a Shadowhunter. But no, we have to make him a vampire, and a special one at that, so Clary can go on to live her perfect dream life, with no consequences.

Alec & Isabelle: I’m lumping the Lightwood siblings together, because A) they’re really more secondary than primary, and B) I don’t have quite as much to say about them, largely due to point A.

I don’t want to call Alec the “token gay character”, but that kinda seems to be the whole point of his existence. I mean, he’s maybe kinda supposed to be the “older, mature” one of the group, but that only kinda comes up a little in the second book, and in the third is mostly a way to keep everyone else up-to-date on what’s going on with the adults (aka the actual plot of the book).

But beyond that? He’s “the gay one.” His whole plot arc over the three books is all about him being gay. And there’s two facets to this arc: the first is accepting that, no, Jace isn’t secretly gay or bi, so he’s never going to be into you, Alec; the second is dealing with him coming out to his parents.

And both of these are easily resolved: the former, by having him hook up with Magnus, who is apparently the only other non-straight character in the series; and the latter by… uh…. Just disappearing. Almost like it was just there to cause drama.

As for Isabelle, she seems to exist mostly to serve as a foil for Clary. The “sexy”, “confident”, “popular” girl who can serve as Clary’s best gal-pal or rival, depending on the needs of the plot. Again, to go with the Buffy:tVS comparison, she’s the Cordellia of the group.

But she’s also there to serve as something of an acceptable female target, presumably a stand-in for the girls the target audience views as potential rivals. Clary is clearly attractive, but she’s the “good” kind of attractive, the “hot, but doesn’t know it” attractive. Isabelle, on the other hand, knows she’s attractive, and this is bad. But she’s also strangely jealous of Clary for… some reason. Because having her not care would make treating her as a rival to Clary would be ceding the higher ground to her.

Further, while Clary isn’t presented as super-feminie compared to Isabelle, Isabelle isn’t allowed to excel at “feminine arts” either. This only comes up a few times, and is mostly treated as a joke, but still, the whole “lol, Isabelle is a terrible cook” joke feels so… mean spirited. And I feel it’s especially galling because it’s very similar to Simon’s band – it’s proof that these characters have a life and interests that extend beyond the page.

And honestly, while I like the idea of Simon and Isabelle hooking up, flipping the rest of the cast the bird, and going off on their own adventures, I can’t ignore how it’s a bit cringy that Isabelle is kinda treated as a “consolation prize” for Simon: sorry, you can’t get the ultimate amazement that is Clary, so here’s the hot chick instead.

And that’s about it as far as major or semi-major characters go. CC might try to make Magnus seem vaguely anti-hero like, to be the token evil-ish team mate, but really, he’s pretty much there to help with whatever problem the main cast has, or to facilitate Alec’s gay angst. I mean, even in this book, when he’s back to being kinda suspicious and acting on his own motives, it’s mostly to resolve the issue of Clary’s mom being in a coma.

Maia had the potential to be interesting, being a Downwolder that didn’t have an established relationship with the Shadowhunters. She could have provided a different view of them, one that wasn’t quite so flattering, and even could have established how the relationship between Shadowhunters working “in the field” differed from that of those in Shadowhunter Land, something CC claimed existed, but never really demonstrated. As is, she serves as a POV for one scene to watch Jace start a bar brawl because his feeeelings are hurt.

(No, I’m still not over that. Probably never will be)

Luke and Jocelyn are virtual non-entities. Luke mostly exists as an excuse to use the werewolves the same way Tolkien used the eagles. Jocelyn is literally absent for all but a handful of chapters over three books.

And if those two are virtual non-entities, the Lightwood parents are even worse. I’ll give CC credit for having Mama Lightwood be the one in charge, but we only see her exercise that authority maybe twice, first to kick Jace out, then to go rescue him. And I don’t even remember what her husband’s name is.

So yeah, not a lot of character development over these three books. But what about themes?

Honestly, I don’t feel like there are any themes in these books, at least, not intentional themes. Which, to be fair, is fine. Not every book or series has to have some “deep truth” that it’s trying to convey, or some message about life.

Now, there probably are some unintentional themes or messages. Like, “casual racism is okay, so long as the person doing it is hot enough.” And, “the most important relationships are romantic ones, even more so than familial or platonic.” But again, I’m willing to grant CC enough reasonable doubt to assume that those are unintentional.

But, just like with discussing the book, I am going to try and end with some positive comments.

First, these are certainly not the worst works of fiction out there. Frustrating, annoying, and infuriating at times? Sure. But they’re not actively trying to push a bad message, and they’re not just thousands of words of author wish fulfilment.

The basic premise isn’t a terrible one. The execution could have used some work, but the idea was workable. I mean, there’s plenty of series that have done something similar.

And despite all my complaints, I don’t think CC is a terrible writer. I think she probably has some decent writing chops, and had she gotten some decent feedback and taken time to hone her skills, could have improved. Going with the ranking system Stephen King discusses in his writing book/autobiography On Writing, I’d say CC is probably firmly in the second rank of writers – meaning that, with work, she could improve, and rise up to the third rank.

I know for a fact that CC can write well. She can be funny.

But personally, I think the problem is that she had so much success when writing fan fiction (deserved or otherwise) that she decided that was good enough. The problem, though, is that the pool of fanfiction writers is so big, and there are no controls for quality, that the bar for what counts as “good” is relatively low. To be clear, I’m not saying that all fanfiction is bad, or of poor quality.

And to get back on track, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that this series clearly found an audience. Because in addition to these three books, CC has published not only three direct sequels, but also a sequel trilogy, a prequel trilogy, a spin-off trilogy, and most recently, a sequel trilogy to the prequel trilogy.

That’s a lot of books.

So if nothing else, CC managed to find a niche, and has successfully managed to exploit it for all its worth. She wouldn’t be the first author to make a career out of writing mostly one series. If anything, I kinda wonder if she regrets this on some level; she’s gotten so big based on this one property that she’s kinda stuck working on it. Kinda like how J.K. Rowling is basically stuck writing Harry Potter stuff.

The Past, and the Future

And while we’re here, I think it’s only right that I take a moment to reflect on my own journey, and what I plan to do from here.

I posted my first entry sporking this series in late September of 2012. As I write this, it’s almost the end of April of 2020.

I’ve been sporking these books off and on for the better part of a decade.

That’s a long time. I’ve come a long way from then.

When I started this, I was in a different place than I am now. I was over a year out of college, had quit my first job a few months earlier, and about a month before had gone to the funeral of my grandmother.

Since then, I’ve had and been fired from another job; applied for and finished grad school; and I’ve gotten another job.

I’ve gone from having vague hopes of someday getting paid to write fiction to seeing my work in print several times.

I’d like to think I’ve grown since then, both as a writer and as a person.

And for all that, sporking these books has been a part of that.

There have been times where I got tired of it. Times when I got frustrated, both with this project, and with my lack of progress on it. Times when I’d think, “why am I working on this, when I could be working on something else? Something that might actually help me in achieving my own goals?”

And that’s been a tough question to answer at times.

Part of the reason I’ve been more regular with getting sporkings out is because I felt obligated to do so – I started sporking this book/series, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to give up before I’ve finished it.

And now I’m sitting here, and I have.

So… what now?

I’ve said, or at least implied, that this would be the last book I sporked. And from a certain perspective, it makes sense: this is the end of this story arc, it’s a good place to bow out.

But, after the last few sporkings, I’ve been thinking about that decision. I mean, this stuff has been a part of my life for a while now. Do I really want to just stop now?

And the answer is…

… I don’t know.

I mean, I do want to put more of my free time and energy towards my own writing and developing my career, but I have to admit, I have had some fun with the sporkings so far.

So I guess what I’m saying is, I’m going to think about whether I’m going to continue or not. I’m going to take some time to work on my own stuff, probably write up some reviews/recommendations for books I actually like.

But if I do decide to do some more sporkings, you’ll all be the first ones to know.

So for now, I guess I’ll see you guys when I see you. Until then.

Comment [7]

Hi folks! It’s been a while, but now that I’ve recovered from NaNoWriMo fatigue, I’m back with more content for the site. Not another sporking, at least not yet – I’m still having PTSD-like episodes regarding City of Bones.

No, this time I’m going to be talking about books that I actually like, and believe deserve a much larger exposure. Hence the name of the series.

And so, for my inaugural review, I’m going to be talking about a new Urban Fantasy novel by a somewhat-new author – The Shambling Guide to New York City, by Mur Lafferty.

This is Ms. Lafferty’s first traditionally published book. She’s done a bit of self-publishing in the past, and pretty much all of it is available for free from podiobooks.com. She also hosts the podcast I Should Be Writing, where she discusses various writing-related topics and occasionally interviews professional writers at various stages of their careers. Oh, and she won the John W. Campbell Award for Best New Writer this year.

But enough about the writer – let’s get to the Shambling Guide.

I wouldn’t call myself a connoisseur of Urban Fantasy, but I’ve read quite a bit of it, and I feel I can safely say that The Shambling Guide is something different. The protagonist, Zoë Norris, isn’t a private investigator or adventurer or anything like that. No, she works in publishing. Specifically, guide books. More specifically, she gets a job working at Underground Publishing, the publishers of the eponymous Shambling Guide.

See, Underground Publishing caters to a very particular clientele – “coterie”, the preferred term for various mythological creatures including zombies, vampires, demons, elemental sprits, and out-of-work gods. Basically, anything and everything you can think of.

What makes this book even more unique in its genre is that the coterie aren’t really the bad guys – most of them are just like normal folks. Sure, they might have certain dietary requirements or whatnot, but that’s about it. They’ve even set up various ways to make sure their needs are met without endangering the human population.

This isn’t to say that the humans are turned into the bad guys, though. While public works – the people who police the coterie, and yes they’re exactly who you think they are – might tend towards a “shoot first” policy, I never got the impression that they were psychotic zealots or anything. The coterie can be dangerous, and public works are there to make sure they don’t get out of control.

I won’t go into too much detail about the plot. The early parts deal mostly with the difficulties Zoë faces working with coterie (like there being no sexual harassment laws because succubi and incubi are part of the workforce), and that things only get worse when some metaphorical demons from Zoë’s recent past show up.

A sequel, Ghost Train to New Orleans, is scheduled to be released this coming March, and I for one am looking forward to it. If you’re not sure, here’s an extra incentive – Ms. Lafferty managed to convince her publisher to allow her to release The Shambling Guide audiobook as a free podcast. But it’s only available in that format for a limited time – it’s going away on the 15th of December.

So if you’re a bit skeptical, go download the first few episodes. If you like it, go out and pick up a copy in your preferred format. Ms. Lafferty’s worked hard to get to this point, and as an aspiring writer, I think she deserves to be a success. One quick warning – this book is for adults. There is a scene that is a bit graphic, though nothing worse than what you might get on HBO. If that doesn’t scare you off, and you’re looking for something different in your Urban Fantasy, then give The Shambling Guide to New York City a try.

Comment [6]

Hey, guys, and welcome to another edition of You Should Read This. That’s right, I finally got off my butt and wrote another one of these things. Good to know I’m sticking to that “no schedule” thing.

Today, I’m going to be talking about The Goblin Corps, by Ari Marmell.

Here’s the summary, courtesy of Amazon.com:

Morthûl, the dreaded Charnel King, has failed. Centuries of plotting from the heart of the Iron Keep, deep within the dark lands of Kirol Syrreth – all for naught. Foiled at the last by the bumbling efforts of a laughable band of so-called heroes. Still, after uncounted centuries of survival, the Dark Lord isn’t about to go down without a fight, particularly in battle against a mortal! No, the Charnel King still has a few tricks up his putrid and tattered sleeves, and the only thing that can defeat him now… May just be the inhuman soldiers on whom he’s pinned his last hopes.

In case that didn’t make it clear enough, this book is basically your average Lord of the Rings knock-off, only told from the perspective of Sauron and his minions.

Wait, don’t go! It’s actually pretty good. Would I be talking about it if I thought it was bad?

Okay, so maybe the concept of a fantasy from the villain’s perspective isn’t all that original. It’s a wonderful way to deconstruct High Fantasy, usually by showing that the “villains” aren’t as evil as they appear. Heck, there’s even a trope for it. And what’s more, someone’s literally already done Lord of the Rings from Sauron’s perspective. Twice.

But that is not what Marmell does with The Goblin Corps. As a matter of fact, he does the exact opposite; at no point are the characters presented as anything other than totally, completely, and utterly evil. And damn if I didn’t end up rooting for them anyway.

Most of the story follows the members of a Demon Squad, consisting of an orc, a kobold, a gremlin, an ogre, a troll, a bugbear, and a shapeshifter, (no, I don’t know why the book is called “The Goblin Corps” even though no goblins appear in the book) with the occasional bit from either the “heroes‘” or Morthûl’s perspective. And once again, Marmell wonderfully subverts expectations: the members of the squad almost never get along, and they do not become friends. As a matter of fact, a few of them are either directly or indirectly responsible for the deaths of their fellow squad-mates. Because, once again, they’re evil.

But it’s not all grim and gritty. You’ll almost certainly get a chuckle every now and then. I mean, what else do you expect when the main characters are arguing when they aren’t (and sometimes are) fighting for their lives?

To be fair, the book has it’s flaws. It’s a little on the long side (my paperback copy came in at well over 500 pages), and the plot does take a little while to get going, and even then it wanders a bit, as the protagonists are sent on various missions by Morthûl and his subordinates before they get down to actually dealing with the Charnel King’s enemies. Also, the world isn’t all that developed; yes, a lot can be inferred and assumed, but the book doesn’t even include a map, which is practically required for most Fantasy books nowadays.

Still, if you want a fantasy that turns the traditional narrative on its head without transforming the monsters into an oppressed minority, or if you just want to root for the bad guys for once, give The Goblin Corps a look. I think you’ll have a good time.

Comment [3]

Hey, I’m sorry I haven’t posted one of these in a while – grad school and all that. But have no fear – I return bearing good literature! This time, I’m talking about the first book in Kim Newman’s Anno Dracula series, the eponymous Anno Dracula.

From Amazon.com:

It is 1888 and Queen Victoria has remarried, taking as her new consort Vlad Tepes, the Wallachian Prince infamously known as Count Dracula. Peppered with familiar characters from Victorian history and fiction, the novel follows vampire Geneviève Dieudonné and Charles Beauregard of the Diogenes Club as they strive to solve the mystery of the Ripper murders.
Anno Dracula is a rich and panoramic tale, combining horror, politics, mystery and romance to create a unique and compelling alternate history. Acclaimed novelist Kim Newman explores the darkest depths of a reinvented Victorian London.

I could give you quotes praising this book from sources like the New York Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, and Neil frikkin’ Gaiman and leave it at that, but what kind of reviewer would I be if I did that? (Though seriously, if Neil Gaiman recommends it, what more do you need to know?)

Also, in the interests of full disclosure, I’m referring to the 2011 Titian Books reprint edition, as that’s the one I have.

So, do you like Alan Moore’s League of Extraordinary Gentlemen? Do you love that mulit-media cross-over setting, where characters like Sherlock Holmes, Dr. Fu Manchu, the Lone Ranger, and frikkin’ Dracula are all real? Well, that’s basically what the world of Anno Dracula is.

A bit of set-up. In this world, Dracula was never driven from England, eventually turned an aging Queen Victoria into a vampire and became Prince Regent, exposing the existence of vampires to the world. Now vampires are an accepted part of life, integrated into every level of British society, from prostitutes who take payment in blood, to the police of Scotland Yard, and of course the upper class. And if you’re familiar with the history and literature of the Victorian era, you’ll probably recognize most of them. (But don’t be afraid if you don’t – the new edition comes with annotations explaining most of the references.)

But one of the things that I really love about this series is Mr. Newman’s (yes, Kim Newman is a guy) approach to vampires. Rather than deciding on a single version of vampires, Newman decided to toss in every type of vampire from folklore, literature, film, and television. There’s obviously Dracula, but there’s also Polidori’s Lord Ruthven, Orlok from the film Nosferatu, and even a jiangshi (“hopping corpse” or “hopping vampire”) from Chinese folklore and other sources.

This isn’t really surprising, considering that Newman is also a film critic and has published several non-fiction books about horror in print and film, as well as quite a bit of his own fiction under his own name and under his pseudonym, Jack Yeovil.

So, if you’ve finished Moore’s League books and are looking for something to scratch that particular itch, pick up Anno Dracula. I think you’ll be satisfied.

And if that whets your appetite, pick up the sequels and see how this new, vampire friendly world develops. Further books jump ahead to the First World War in The Bloody Red Baron, then to the late 1950s in Dracula Cha Cha Cha, and Johnny Alucard, a collection of stories mostly covering the 1970s, 80s, and early 90s, was released last year.

All the reprints also come with additional stories set in the Anno Dracula universe: “The Dead Travel Fast” in Anno Dracula, where Dracula tries out an early car; “Vampire Romance” in The Bloody Red Baron, a Nancy Drew-style mystery that also nicely eviscerates Twilight and it’s followers; and the novel Aquarius comes with Dracula Cha Cha Cha, which I can’t tell you about because I haven’t read Dracula Cha Cha Cha yet.

Comment [3]

Hey, everybody. I gotta say, I’m glad to be done sporking City of Ashes. And since I recently finished slogging my way through an example of bad urban fantasy, I think it’s only fair to recommend some good urban fantasy. And we’ll start off with the first of Carrie Vaughn’s Kitty Norville books, Kitty and the Midnight Hour.

Here’s the blurb, courtesy of Amazon.com.

Kitty Norville is a midnight-shift DJ for a Denver radio station and a werewolf in the closet. Her new late-night advice show for the supernaturally disadvantaged is a raging success, but it’s Kitty who can use some help. With one sexy werewolf-hunter and a few homicidal undead on her tail, Kitty may have bitten off more than she can chew?

This book was first published in 2007, so by all rights this is probably one of the big UF series out there. But I feel that this book (heck, the whole series) does something most works in the sub-genre don’t do – bring the supernatural out of the fringes and into everyday life, and explore the repercussions of that.

I also love the fact that Kitty isn’t a detective or in law enforcement – she’s a radio DJ hosting a late-night talk show (if you’ve ever played Vampire: the Masquerade – Bloodlines, you have some idea of the kinds of callers she usually gets). And because of her job, Kitty (and thus Vaughn) address a number of issues that aren’t usually addressed in UF settings.

Still, the book does have a few flaws. For one, I feel that there are just a few too many plot-lines for such a short book (my paperback clocks in at 259 pages, not including the sample chapter from the next book). There’s the Kitty being threatened by local supernaturals; her struggle with her werewolf pack; a somewhat awkward police investigation Kitty gets dragged into; and a mysterious traveling tent revival group who might be able to cure things like lycanthropy and vampirism that’s left dangling for future books.

It’s the last two that bother me the most. The last one is mostly because it gets dropped (again, because it’ll probably come up again in later books), but the police investigation bugs me for two reasons. First, in retrospect it feels a bit cliché – as if Vaughn looked at other UF books published at that time and concluded that she had to include some kind of detective stuff, otherwise it wouldn’t be UF, despite Kitty not being suited for this kind of thing. And second, because [minor spoiler] it intersects with the werewolf pack plot. As an aspiring author, I can’t help but think that jettisoning the tent revival plot streamlining the police procedural plot would have helped the book.

Don’t get me wrong – I’d rather a book have too much plot rather than trying to stretch out a paper-thin one over several hundred pages, and Vaughn does a pretty good job juggling them all. But it does feel like a lot’s going on, especially for the first book in a series.

And I’m definitely going to read more in the series. There are 14 books as of last August, with no apparent plans to write more, so that’s good for all you folks who like to wait until a series is done to start reading.

Comment [3]

Hey, folks, and welcome to another edition of You Should Read This. Today, I’m going to be talking about a special book, Rise of the Spider Goddess, by Jim C. Hines.

First, a bit about the author. Jim C. Hines’s first book, Goblin Quest, was published about ten years ago. Since then, he’s completed three fantasy series – the Jig the Goblin series, the Princess Series, and most recently, the Libriomancer series. He’s a pretty funny author, and he tends to put some interesting spins on simple concepts. His Jig the Goblin books look at your standard fantasy setting through the eyes of one of the most pathetic of all possible characters. The Princess series crosses Disney princesses with Charlie’s Angels. And the Libriomancer books are basically, “what if you could magically pull stuff out of books?”

But before all that – ten years before, to be exact – Hines wrote Rise of the Spider Goddess.

I can honestly say that this book is probably one of the worst things I’ve ever read. I’m not kidding. It’s not just bad in terms of plot, character, and setting – it’s bad on a purely mechanical level. This is bad.

So you must be wondering why I’m recommending you guys read it, rather than ripping it apart.

Put simply, I don’t have to – Hines has already done it for me.

Some of you may have noticed the full title of the book, but for those who haven’t, it’s The Prosekiller Chronicles: Rise of the Spider Goddess: An Annotated Novel. Yes, that’s right – it has two colons. You know it’s going to be good. If you need more, here’s the summary from its Amazon.com page:

In 2006, DAW Books published Jim C. Hines’ debut novel Goblin Quest. But before Jig the goblin, before fairy tale princesses and magic librarians and spunky fire-spiders, there was Nakor the Purple, an elf who wanted nothing more than to stand around watching lovingly overdescribed sunrises with his pet owl Flame, who might actually be a falcon, depending on which chapter you’re reading.
This is Nakor’s story, written in 1995 and never before shared with the world. (For reasons that will soon be painfully clear.) Together with an angsty vampire, a pair of pixies, and a feisty young thief, Nakor must find a way to stop an Ancient Evil before she destroys the world. (Though, considering the relatively shallow worldbuilding, it’s not like there’s much to destroy…)
With more than 5000 words of bonus annotation and smart-ass commentary, this is a book that proves every author had to start somewhere, and most of the time, that place wasn’t very pretty.

Here’s the background – way back in the mid-1990s, Hines was in his second year of college, and decided to write a novel (I believe it may have been for NaNoWriMo, but I can’t find anything to back that up). He made the brilliant decision to make it a follow-up to a D&D campaign he’d played, with his character as the star. So he was already near rock-bottom, and then he decided to dig.

Luckily for Hines, he got better as a writer, and put this mess of a book behind him.

Then, as part of a fundraiser, he agreed to read a selection from the book, while dressed as the character. Apparently enough people found it amusing that Hines decided to go back through the original manuscript, add a bit of commentary, and release it for all the world to see.

But I’m not recommending this book solely for entertainment purposes. This is also a great thing for aspiring writers (like, say, me). It can be hard sometimes – you finish a story, thinking its great, but then you come back later, and all you can see are the flaws. And then all you can think is, ‘my god, I suck so much at this, why do I even bother?’

For those kinds of people, reading Rise of the Spider Goddess offers a huge confidence boost. After all, if the guy who wrote this pile of crap could write a dozen good books, then there’s hope for us all.

Comment [5]

Hello faithful readers, and welcome to another You Should Read This. Today I’m taking a bit of a departure from the type of books I usually recommend in two ways: it’s fairly old (originally published back in 1985), and it’s a work of post-apocalyptic science fiction – The Postman, by David Brin.

Now before I get into why I like this book so much, I’ll give you the blurb, courtesy of Amazon.com (as always):

This is the story of a lie that became the most powerful kind of truth. A timeless novel as urgently compelling as War Day or Alas, Babylon, David Brin’s The Postman is the dramatically moving saga of a man who rekindled the spirit of America through the power of a dream, from a modern master of science fiction.
He was a survivor—a wanderer who traded tales for food and shelter in the dark and savage aftermath of a devastating war. Fate touches him one chill winter’s day when he borrows the jacket of a long-dead postal worker to protect himself from the cold. The old, worn uniform still has power as a symbol of hope, and with it he begins to weave his greatest tale, of a nation on the road to recovery.

Now, some of you might be thinking, “hey, wasn’t there a crappy Kevin Costner movie called The Postman?” And yes, you’d be right – Kevin Costner did make an adaptation of this novel back in 1997. But don’t let that sour you on this book, because it’s (at best) a loose adaptation of the novel. Case in point – while the movie was a flop both among critics and viewers, the novel won the Locus Award and the John W. Campbel Award for 1986, and was nominated for both the Hugo and Nebula Awards for that same year.

The story follows a man by the name of Gordon Krantz living in the Pacific Northwest some time after the collapse of civilization in the aftermath of a major war that included the destruction of major cities (presumably via nuclear weapons) and the use of bioweapons. After a group of bandits steal most of his stuff, Gordon takes shelter in a postal truck that had been abandoned for years (the driver having been killed by bandits some time after the war). Gordon takes the postman’s uniform and a bag of letters, and under the guise as a representative of the “Restored United States,” manages to gain entrance to a nearby town. Over time, though, Gordon’s cover as a Postal Inspector and the Restored United States become more and more real.

I won’t go further into the plot, because I don’t want to spoil it for you. So we’ll move on to why I like this book so much.

A big part of it’s probably the political undertone. It’s established that shortly before the war, a guy by the name of Nathan Holn (who was by all rights a right-wing nutcase) wrote a book espousing an authoritarian, survival-of-the-fittest, hyper-individualist, hyper-masculine philosophy. Basically, take most of the worst aspects of GamerGaters, Men’s Rights Activists, and right-wing conspiracy nuts, mix them all together, and you’ll have Nathan Holn and his followers. In fact, it’s pretty much stated out-right that it’s the Holnist hyper-survivalists are the principal cause for why things are still as bad as they are – the US could have recovered from the bombs, the EMPs, and the super-plagues, if only these assholes hadn’t decided to take advantage of the opportunity to start raping, pillaging, and generally doing as they pleased, rather than helping people.

So basically, it’s the guys who spent all their time building bunkers, stockpiling weapons, and generally preparing for the collapse of society that caused the collapse of society. And they’re all bastards for it.

But there’s also the theme about the importance of civilization that appeals to me. In his guise as a postman, Gordon isn’t just delivering mail as a means of getting food and supplies – he’s spreading an idea, the idea of a Restored United States. By the time the book starts, it’s been somewhere around fifteen years since the war, and society as degenerated quite a bit. There’s the aforementioned Holnists, regular bandits, but it seems like people in general have decided to give up on trying to maintain anything but a faint veneer of civilization – they’ve given up on trying to fix things.

I’ll give you an example. At one point, Gordon gets treated as the guest of honor in a town he visits. And as part of the celebrations, the people in the town organize a series of dog fights. But after one fight, they all see how horrified Gordon is at this, and all the people in town have a moment where they collectively go, “what the hell are we doing?” I find it kind of beautiful that, despite how far these people have apparently gone, all it takes is the reminder of what life used to be like for them to be better.

Gordon’s actions, even his presence, makes things better. Not because he’s actively trying to rebuild society, but because people want to rebuild society – all they needed was a little push. Throughout the first part of the book, Gordon’s constantly asking “who will take responsibility?” – he’s constantly looking for someone to have taken the role of leader, someone who’s started organizing things, and is getting society back on its feet. And it’s only long after he’s started pretending to be a postman that he sees people actively working to make things better.

Comment [3]

Oh, my, look at the time – it’s time for another You Should Read This. This time, the book is Jim McDoniel’s An Unattractive Vampire.

First, the blurb, courtesy of Amazon.com:

Jim McDoniel’s debut novel, An Unattractive Vampire, is a darkly comic urban fantasy of ancient horrors in suburban cities. After three centuries trapped underground, thousand-year-old Yulric Bile—also known as the Curséd One, the Devil’s Apprentice, He Who Worships the Slumbering Horrors—awakens only to find that no one believes he is a vampire. Apparently he’s just too ugly—modern vampires, he soon discovers, are pretty, weak, and, most disturbing of all, good. Determined to reestablish his bloodstained reign, Yulric sets out to correct this disgusting turn of events or, at the very least, murder the person responsible. With the help of pert vampire-wannabe Amanda; Simon, the eight-year-old reincarnation of his greatest foe; and a cadre of ancient and ugly horrors, Yulric prepares to battle the glamorous undead. But who will win the right to determine, once and for all, what it truly means to be a vampire?

Okay, so I mentioned this book during the City of Ashes sporking as a good example of a work that explores a variety of different takes on vampire lore, from across both time and space. The vampires in this book aren’t just your typical brooding fashion-models that drink blood that are favored by modern works (though those are in here). The “cadre of ancient and ugly horrors” mentioned above include vampire analogues from China, the Middle East, sub-Saharan Africa, and Latin America.

But there’s more to recommend this book than just the wide variety of vampires – the book is also hilarious. I’m not going to get too spoilery here, but despite his issues, Yulric becomes a fan of the vampire TV show that inspired his little crusade. About mid-way through the book, the actors and writers of the show (who are all vampires, natch) attack the house he’s living in. During this attack, Amanda goes after one of the writers, not to defend herself, but because he ruined her ship. Then, when little-brother Simon manages to kill one of the actors, both Yulric and Amanda freak out because – I kid you not – now that character’s plot line will never be resolved.

And honestly, if that doesn’t convince you to pick up a copy of this book, nothing will.

Comment [4]

Hey, guys. Welcome to another edition of You Should Read This. Today, I’ll tell you all about the debut novel by Myke Cole, and the first entry in his Shadow Ops series, Shadow Ops: Control Point.

Book blurb, courtesy of Amazon.com.

Army Officer. Fugitive. Sorcerer.
Across the country and in every nation, people are waking up with magical talents. Untrained and panicked, they summon storms, raise the dead, and set everything they touch ablaze.
Army officer Oscar Britton sees the worst of it. A lieutenant attached to the military’s Supernatural Operations Corps, his mission is to bring order to a world gone mad. Then he abruptly manifests a rare and prohibited magical power, transforming him overnight from government agent to public enemy number one.
The SOC knows how to handle this kind of situation: hunt him down—and take him out. Driven into an underground shadow world, Britton is about to learn that magic has changed all the rules he’s ever known, and that his life isn’t the only thing he’s fighting for.

Like a lot of books I’ve recommended, Shadow Ops: Control Point (and the Shadow Ops series in general) is Urban Fantasy. But there’s two things that differentiate it from most UF books: first, it’s set in an Unmasked World, meaning that magic and the supernatural are out in the open, rather than being secret; second, the protagonist is part of the military, rather than being yet another detective or similar character.

And if anything, those make this series something really special. Unmasked Worlds aren’t exactly the norm in UF, and while this book is told largely from a military perspective, Cole does provide hints at how the world has responded to the sudden appearance of magic. There’s mention of Europe being under the control of an anti-magic Muslim Caliphate (a concept which I personally find unlikely, but we’ll get to that later), and the Chinese government has worked to integrate magic-users into various aspects of their society – there’s mention of using earth-magic in construction projects, for example. And in the US, magic-users are conscripted into military service, a decision which has resulted in an armed rebellion led largely by Native American magic-users.

And while I haven’t personally served in the military, I’m willing to bet that the depiction of life in the armed services is pretty accurate, because Myke Cole is himself a veteran, having served in Iraq. But it’s not all chest-thumping über-patriotism; the military in the novel does a lot of questionable, if not out-right bad stuff, beginning with forcefully conscripting magic-users. Yes, there are good soldiers, and nothing they do is ever entirely evil, but they’re not all shinning paragons of virtue, either. And I like that, because I think it’s a very realistic approach to the military in the modern world.

But while the book is great, it’s not without its faults, three of which really stood out to me.

The first (and probably most nit-picky) is with the naming convention for magic – the names for just about every type of magic classified by the US government is an example of whatevermancy. Water magic is “hydromancy”; fire magic is “pyromancy”; etc. But then there’s earth magic, which is referred to at “terramancy”. Now, you might be wondering why this bothers me. Well, here’s why – it doesn’t fit the naming convention. Every other elemental magic uses the Greek name of the element (which actually makes sense), but earth magic uses the Latin. So, logically, earth magic should be “geomancy”. Yes, it’s a stupid, minor complaint, but I have trouble believing that no one would have brought this up at some point.

The next one is also minor, but it really threw me out of the story. As I mentioned before, Europe has been taken over by an anti-magic Muslim Caliphate. While it’s only mentioned once, that instance really threw me out of the story. Though I don’t know the religious demographics of Europe, and this book was published in 2012, I have trouble buying into the idea of many European countries (particularly countries like France, which I believe is specifically mentioned) would somehow come under the control of a fundamentalist Muslim government, especially one that not only doesn’t make use of, but actively opposes the use of magic. Maybe this gets explained in a later book, but at the moment, I just don’t see how this could come about.

My third problem is more one of craft than the writing itself. This will contain minor spoilers so if you don’t want anything ruined, just skip down a bit.

[SPOILERS BEGIN HERE]

Okay, so after Britton’s powers manifest, he goes on the run, as explained in the blurb. He manifests in a military hospital, and manages to escape. He tries going to his parents, then things go bad, and he runs. Then he goes to a friend’s workplace, realizes he has nowhere to go, and tries to surrender. Then, for no apparent reason, he changes his mind, and escapes for a third time. Finally, he ends up at a farm of some random guy. The farmer calls the authorities, and Britton is finally captured by the military.

My issue here is that the “something goes wrong, Britton flees” cycle is repeated one too many times for my tastes. This violates the standard Rule of Three. I get what Cole was going for here. Britton’s powers alienate him from his fellow soldiers, his family, his friends, even complete strangers – there’s nowhere that he’ll be safe. But I can’t shake the feeling that the book could have been slimmed down a bit if Britton had just surrendered after his friend doesn’t help him, or if the run-in with his friend had been removed all together. The extra repetition of this cycle feels like fluff to me, and there’s plenty of other stuff that could have been done to fill out the word count.

[SPOILERS END HERE]

I also have some issues with Britton’s motivations. I’m okay with him changing his views of the military as time goes on, but those views seem to flip from positive to negative and back again far too easily, in my opinion. I can get behind them flipping once (say, when the military turns on him after he manifests), but I have trouble buying how easily they change again later on. There’s another character who has the same flip, and I see even less reason for her change of opinion, other than some form of cult-like indoctrination, which I don’t think would work, given what we learn about her background.

But despite my complaints, the book is still pretty good. The world could use a bit of fleshing-out, but that’s to be expected from the first book in a series, and from what we do see, Cole has a lot of interesting ideas to work with.

Comment [7]

Hey, guys. I’ve been a bit busy these past few weeks. I went to Dragon Con over Labor Day weekend (that would be the weekend before the first Monday in September, for those who don’t know) and had a great time. I went to a bunch of fun panels (mostly in the Writing and Fantasy tracks), and bought some nice stuff (mostly books, because I’m me).

And I’ll admit, I kind of ran out of canned reviews. I wrote a bunch back in June because I was doing a NaNoWriMo Summer Camp thing in July, then whipped together my review of Shadow Ops: Control Point when I ran out of those, but after that, I didn’t really have any good ideas for book recommendations – most of the stuff I’ve been reading of late is either pretty popular, a bit outside my usual wheelhouse or recommendations, or not something I enjoyed enough to recommend.

And then I remembered something I’d read a while back, and even mentioned a few times in my sporkings. So I figured now might be the time to tell you guys about Mark Lawrence’s Prince of Thorns, the first book in his Broken Empire trilogy.

Blurb from “Amazon:”:

When he was nine, he watched as his mother and brother were killed before him. At thirteen, he led a band of bloodthirsty thugs. By fifteen, he intends to be king…
It’s time for Prince Honorous Jorg Ancrath to return to the castle he turned his back on, to take what’s rightfully his. Since the day he hung pinned on the thorns of a briar patch and watched Count Renar’s men slaughter his mother and young brother, Jorg has been driven to vent his rage. Life and death are no more than a game to him—and he has nothing left to lose. But treachery awaits him in his father’s castle. Treachery and dark magic. No matter how fierce his will, can one young man conquer enemies with power beyond his imagining?

I feel this needs to be said up-front – Jorg is not a nice person. I believe I remember reading somewhere that he’s basically the protagonist of A Clockwork Orange in a quasi-fantasy setting. If he were somehow transported from his world to Westeros, he’d give all the power-players vying for the Iron Throne a run for their money – he’s got all the deviousness of Littlefinger and the utter disreguard for human life of Gregor Clegane. Put simply, Jorg Ancrath is probably one of the sickest, most twisted bastards I’ve ever read about.

And god damn if I don’t love him for it.

Now, I wouldn’t want to meet Jorg in person – in fact, if he were real, almost every authority on the planet would be trying to drag him before the International Court of Justice for all manner of crimes against humanity. So it’s good that he doesn’t live in our world. Or at least, not the world as we know it.

Okay, this is where things get a bit weird. The world Jorg lives in is our world at some undisclosed point in the future. At some point, scientists somehow managed to tweak the laws of physics to make magic real, and then somewhere along the line, there was some kind of apocalyptic event which resulted not only in setting humanity back to at least middle-ages technology, as well as altering the geography a bit. Here’s one of the larger-scale maps of the eponymous Broken Empire, courtesy of Lawrence’s unofficial website, thatthornguy.com

Anyway, back to Jorg. I can tell you exactly when I really started liking him – chapter two of the first book (which you can read for yourself on the Amazon page). Here’s an abbreviated version of it, in script form:

Guy: [complains about how burning down that last village was a stupid thing to do}

Jorg: (thinking) I’m sick and tired of this guy’s constant bitching. I really, really just want to stab him in the throat. But I can’t do that, because leaders who do stuff like that won’t be leading anything for long.

Jorg: (aloud) [gives long speech explaining exactly why burning down said village was not stupid. Then turns and stabs guy in the throat.]

Maybe I’m weird, but that got a chuckle out of me.

Yes, Jorg is a sociopath, but he is not a violent psychopath – he will gladly sacrifice anyone (including friends and family) to serve his own ends, but he will not kill people just for fun. Even the inhabitants in the aforementioned village were only killed because they tried to fight Jorg and his band (at least, according to Jorg).

Now, some of you might be wondering why I’m so okay with this, but the antics of Jace send me into a frothing rage. But I have an answer for you – at no point in the entire trilogy did I ever feel that I was supposed to admire Jorg. I never got the impression that Lawrence thought Jorg was a good person, or that his actions were ever anything but deplorable. And, admittedly, there’s also a bit of grading on a curve – the Broken Empire (like Westeros and other darker fantasy settings) is not a place where idealism is plentiful. Jorg might be more than willing to slaughter people to get what he wants, but he’s hardly unique in that regard, especially among the nobility of the Broken Empire (no spoilers, but there’s a guy in the sequel, King of Thorns, who’s just as bad as Jorg in certain respects). And, as mentioned in the blurb, Jorg does have somewhat sympathetic motivations, which can somewhat off-set his disregard for others.

Also, unlike Jace, Jorg is actually kind of charming. CC will tell her readers that Jace is charming and wonderful, but tends to fail at demonstrating this. Lawrence, on the other hand, doesn’t make any claims about Jorg being charming (though the books are written mostly from his perspective), and actually demonstrates that he is.

I totally understand if this isn’t your cup of tea; for a while, the fantasy genre kind of went through a phase similar to the comics industry in the 90s (i.e. “super dark and gritty, that’s how you know we’re serious”), and this book kind of came out in the midst of that. But if you’re like me, and you occasionally want to read something from a more villainous POV that doesn’t try to make them out to just be misunderstood, then give Prince of Thorns (and the Broken Empire trilogy) a try.

Comment [6]

Hey, folks. Sorry for the radio silence – I’ve been a bit busy working on my capstone paper for grad school, and with Rorschach’s review/spork of the Maradonia movie, I figured I could take a break. But, with November (and NaNoWriMo) coming, and any number of other stuff, I figured I should try to get another review out before I get bogged down with other stuff.

So, today, and just in time for Halloween, I’m going to tell you guys about Blood Oath, the first novel of Christopher Farnsworth’s Nathaniel Cade series.

First, the blurb:

Zach Barrows is a cocky, ambitious White House employee until he’s abruptly transferred out and partnered with Nathaniel Cade, a secret agent sworn to protect the president. But Cade is no ordinary civil servant. Bound 140 years ago by a special blood oath, Nathanial Cade is a vampire. On the orders of the president he defends the nation against enemies far stranger-and even more dangerous-than civilians like Zach could ever imagine.

So yes, this is yet another Urban Fantasy series. But like most of the UF series I’ve recommended, this one takes a different approach to the sub-genre – instead of the people dealing with the supernatural working alone or with secret organizations, they’re actually part of the US government. Honestly, I’m a bit surprised that this is such a rare thing in the genre – how is it that no law enforcement agency notices all the crazy shit your typical UF protagonist gets up to?

There’s a lot I love about this series (currently consisting of three books and one novella). Part of it is the wonderful repartee between Zach and Cade. Farnsworth’s background is in script writing, and some of his dialogue is wonderfully reminiscent of Joss Whedon’s work. For example, here’s a bit from this book:

“Couldn’t you hypnotize her or something?”
“It doesn’t work like that.”
“I thought vampires were all sex gods with the ladies.”
Cade looked at him. “What gave you that idea?”
“Uh … late-night TV, mostly …”
“Humans are our food. Do you want to have sex with a cow?”

See? Not only is that funny, but it also raises a valid point – why the heck would a vampire be interested in sex with a human?

But I also love a lot of the background stuff Farnsworth included in the series. For a long time, his website had a fictional timeline of events from American history, which included references to conspiracy theories and folklore, as well as movies and other works of fiction. For example, events include the birth of the Jersey Devil in 1735, a report of a “headless horseman” supposedly killing a teacher in upstate New York in 1790 (reference to “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow”), the disappearance of the Pabodie Expedition in Antarctica in 1931 (reference to HP Lovecraft’s At the Mountains of Madness), something called the Grover’s Mill Intrusion Event in 1938 (reference to Orson Welles’s radio broadcast of War of the Worlds), and a “Pabodie II” expedition in 1951 (reference to the film The Thing From Another World – sadly, there’s no “Pabodie III” for 1982). There’s plenty more, if you’re interested. Though it’s no longer on Farnsworth’s website, a bit of Google-fu helped me find a copy here.

Finally, I love that Cade doesn’t seem to fall into any category of typical vampire behavior – he doesn’t spend his time brooding over his lost humanity, but he doesn’t revel in his undead state, either. Yes, he works to keep his vampiric nature in check, but he’s aware that there’s no going back for him, either. Cade isn’t human, and doesn’t pretend to be when he doesn’t have to.

And as for this book in particular (and I’m going into minor spoilers here), it managed to do something I hadn’t really thought possible – make both Frankenstein and his creation scary again.

My only complaint is that it’s now been four years since the publication of the last novel – important, because it centered around the re-election campaign of the fiction President Samuel Curtis. While Farnsworth has been working on other things, and has said he intends to return to writing Cade, I’d like to see what happens next before the 2020 election. But that’s good news for you guys – you can buy Blood Oath, and the sequels The President’s Vampire and Red, White, and Blood right now.

Comment [10]

Hello, everybody! It’s good to be back.

So, I’ve made it through November, and NaNoWriMo with another 50K words under my belt. With any luck, I’ll be able to turn that draft into something worth reading at some point.

But now that that’s done, I can get back to talking about books that I enjoy, and that I think you guys should read.

And today, I’m going to tell you about the first book in a series that I’ve really grown to love, Glen Cook’s novel The Black Company.

Blurb, taken from Amazon.com.=

Some feel the Lady, newly risen from centuries in thrall, stands between humankind and evil. Some feel she is evil itself. The hardbitten men of the Black Company take their pay and do what they must, burying their doubts with their dead.
Until the prophesy: The White Rose has been reborn, somewhere, to embody good once more.
There must be a way for the Black Company to find her…

Now, I think that blurb’s a bit misleading, so I’ll give my own explanation of the plot, after giving the general background from the book’s Wikipedia page.) (WARNING: Spoilers in the plot summary. Don’t click if you don’t want spoilers.)

The Dominator is an extremely powerful wizard who has the ability to turn his most bitter enemies into his loyal servants, even those nearly his equal in magic. The most potent of his victims are called the Ten Who Were Taken, or just Taken for short. With his wife, the Lady, whose magical skill is second only to that of the Dominator, he founded an empire unrivaled for evil. It was overthrown by a rebellion led by the White Rose, but neither she nor the rebel wizards were strong enough to kill the Dominator, the Lady or the Taken. The best they could do was to render them unconscious and imprison them. Their prison was a place called The Barrowland.
After four centuries, the wizard Bomanz awakened the Lady during a spirit walk into the Barrowlands, in an attempt to learn from her. She manipulated him, won her freedom, and [REDACTED FOR SPOILERS]. She then unleashed the Taken, but betrayed the Dominator, leaving him where he was, and proceeded to resurrect the empire. As with the old, so it was with the new – a rebellion broke out, spearheaded this time by the Circle of Eighteen. The Circle is made up of magicians not individually as strong as the Taken, but usually united in their goals. The Taken, on the other hand, battle each other as much as they do the rebels.

Now, that we’ve got the basic background, here’s my explanation of the plot.

The Black Company is a group of mercenaries, and damn good ones, too. They get hired by a representative of the Lady (one of the Taken, called Soulcatcher) to help fight the rebels. They agree, and we get to see what war in a fantasy world looks like from the perspective of the soldiers on the front lines.

And really, that’s the big appeal of this book – heck, the whole series. The basic premise is that books like Lord of the Rings are more basically works of propaganda written by the leaders after the fact. While the people at the top might argue about Good against Evil, when you’re down in the mud, it’s hard to tell the difference between the “heroes” and the “villains”.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “but Apep, this sounds like yet another grim-dark fantasy novel!” Well, purely-hypothetical reader, you’re right, but you’re also wrong. The Black Company was originally published in 1984, before grim-dark was even a thing. So think of it as being more like Watchmen was to comics in the 90s – more thoughtful, more complicated, actually examining and deconstructing tropes. While later works might go with “everyone’s evil to some extent”, the Black Company books take a stance of “things aren’t all black and white.” Even when they start acting in a more heroic fashion, the Company’s membership still consists of a lot of hard, nasty guys. And while the books might contain lots of violence (they are mercenaries fighting a war, after all), but it takes a very modern approach to it. Here’s how Cook describes it:

“The characters act like the guys actually behave. It doesn’t glorify war; it’s just people getting on with the job. The characters are real soldiers. They’re not soldiers as imagined by people who’ve never been in the service. That’s why service guys like it.”

So if you’ve ever wondered what your typical high fantasy story might look like from the view of the common soldier rather than the leaders, pick up The Black Company.

Comment [3]

Hey, folks. I know it hasn’t been that long since my last reading recommendation, but I wanted to get another one out before I get bogged down with real life stuff.

What real life stuff? Well, as of last Friday, December 9, I’ve officially finished grad school – I am now the proud recipient of a Master’s degree in Library & Information Science. It’s been a crazy trip, and honestly, part of me is surprised at how quickly it seems to have ended.

But that also means I need to focus on the job hunt – I have a nice, shiny degree, and now it’s time to put that to use.

But enough about me – we’re here to talk about awesome books. And today, I want to tell you about a really awesome fantasy novel, the first of Patrick Weekes’s Rogues of the Republic series, The Palace Job.

“Blurb:“https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00D7JWTTQ/ref=nav_timeline_asin?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

Loch is seeking revenge.
It would help if she wasn’t in jail.
The plan: to steal a priceless elven manuscript that once belonged to her family, but now is in the hands of the most powerful man in the Republic. To do so Loch—former soldier, former prisoner, current fugitive—must assemble a crack team of magical misfits that includes a cynical illusionist, a shapeshifting unicorn, a repentant death priestess, a talking magical warhammer, and a lad with seemingly no skills to help her break into the floating fortress of Heaven’s Spire and the vault that holds her family’s treasure—all while eluding the unrelenting pursuit of Justicar Pyvic, whose only mission is to see the law upheld.
What could possibly go wrong?
The Palace Job is a funny, action-packed, high-fantasy heist caper in the tradition of Scott Lynch’s Gentleman Bastards series, from debut author Patrick Weekes.

Honestly, I can’t really do better to sell this book than that. This book is a fantasy ensemble heist caper – it’s Ocean’s Eleven by way of Dungeons & Dragons. If that doesn’t get your attention, I don’t know what will. The action is good, the humor is great, the twists are sudden and surprising (but entirely in keeping with the heist set up). The characters are solid and interesting, with each given plenty of time to demonstrate their skills – an essential part of any ensemble piece.

But also, the author should be a recommendation.

Why, you ask?
Let me answer that question with another – have you heard of a little franchise called Dragon Age?

Weekes did a good bit of writing for the franchise. He’s the author of The Masked Empire, the first tie-in novel not written by the franchise’s lead writer, David Gaider, as well as writing for Dragon Age: Inquisition – he wrote Solas, Iron Bull, Krem and the other Chargers, and Cole, as well as the quest Here Lies the Abyss (the one about the Grey Wardens, that ends with you fighting a giant spider fear demon in the Fade), and was lead writer for the Trespasser DLC. Also, as of March 2015, Weekes took over as lead writer for the franchise from Gaider.

Personally, I see all of that as a pretty impressive resume. Makes you wonder what he can do when he isn’t restrained by an established setting owned by a third party, no?

Oh, and one more thing: there are currently two other books in the Rogues of the Republic series, both sequels to this book. Right now, this book is available for US$1.99 for Kindle. The second is the same price. The third is a bit more expensive, at US$3.99.

But do the math. In total, that’s three books for a little under US$8, about what you’d expect to pay for a typical mass-market paperback.

If that bargain doesn’t convince you to at least grab the first book, then there’s no hope for you, and I have to assume that you hate fun.

Buy this book. Seriously, do it.

Comment [3]

Hey, guys. So, we’re a few weeks into 2017, and things are off to a bit of a rocky start. But to counter that, let me tell you about another awesome thing I read and that you guys should totally pick up. And this time it’s The Chimera Brigade by Serge Lehman. Or at least the first volume.

Yeah, this is another first for this series of reviews/recommendations – a comic book. And a French one, at that. But let’s get the basics out of the way first. Blurb

Europe. World War II. Witness the rise and fall of the European super-heroes, on a thrilling journey through pulp literature and alternate history! Essential reading for fans of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Planetary and Hellboy, The Chimera Brigade is a captivating series of graphic novels revealing the deadly hidden history of Europe’s last and only generation of superhumans!

The Chimera Brigade (or rather, Le Brigade Chimerique), originally published in French from 2009-2010 (and in English starting in 2014) has already received quite a bit of praise, winning the Grand Prix del l’Imaginaire for new comics in 2011.

It’s been referred to as essentially a French response to The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen by Alan Moore. And that’s a fairly accurate claim, as both are works where fictional characters are real people and interact with each other. But there are two major differences: first, while LoEG (or at least, the first two volumes) is set in England during the late-19th century, CB is set in continental Europe (namely France) during the 1930s; and second, LoEG’s initial cast of characters are mostly from English stories published at the time, CB’s cast is pulled form pulp fiction, especially non-English pulp fiction. That’s not to say that there aren’t characters from English pulps, just that they’re more side-characters.

And though the point doesn’t come up here, the series also a sort of meta-commentary explaianing why the realm of comic book superheroes is dominated by American-published works, despite the genre having very clear roots in European pulp novels.

Now, I’ll admit that this sort of thing has a special appeal to me that might not be shared by others. I mean, I’m not an expert on late-19th/early-20th century popular fiction, but I do think it’s cool whenever someone decides to take a bunch of these characters (and most of them are public domain) and play around with them. Heck, it’s one of the reasons I liked Anno Dracula.

But in this case, that same trait is also a bit of a problem. As mentioned, most of the characters are from pulp novels of the early 20th century, particularly those published in France and Germany. So that’s one hurdle for an English-speaking audience. The other ties into that meta-commentary thing – most of these characters have been forgotten, supplanted by superheroes put out by DC and Marvel. And unlike with LoEG, there’s no handy list of online annotations to explain who’s who.

And that certainly isn’t helped by the fact that the English translators look to have decided to change character names to make them more lawyer-friendly.

Allow me to give you an example.

The first issue of the comic essentially sets up the whole series. In it, a bunch of pulp-era heroes and villains are called to a meeting in a city in the Alps. Our principle protagonist, Irene Juliot-Curie (daughter of Marie Curie – and yes, that’s important) sneaks in to observe the meeting.

At this meeting, there’s an American delegation consisting of three people. They’re referred to by name as, “Professor Iron,” “the Hidden,” and one by the alias “Mr. Steele.” Now, while reading the comic (though knowing a bit about American pulps of the time), it’s fairly easy to guess who these guys actually are – “Professor Iron” is Doc Savage, “the Hidden” is the Shadow, and “Mr. Steele” is Superman. While the thinly-veiled cover is necessary for that last one, I don’t understand why the first two were changed.

And this gets worse with the main characters. The ostensive villain of the series (I mean, the man has Nazi flags hanging in his big meeting hall; yes, it’s the 1930s, but come on) is one Doctor Missbrauch, but is clearly intended to be the German character Doctor Mabuse. Why the name change?

The same goes for a somewhat villainous French character: in the comic, he’s referred to as the Eye, but his appearance and all the sources I can find make it clear that he’s actually the French pulp hero Nyctalope. They didn’t even change the name of his secret identity!

This sort of thing is really frustrating for me, because one of the fun bits about works like this is being able to look up these characters and learn more about them. And that’s hard enough when there isn’t any convenient place to go for such information.

There’s also one other minor problem with the first volume – it’s short. Like, really short.

Okay, that might require some explaining.

So, I don’t really buy comics by the issue – I tend to prefer picking them up in “graphic novel” format, where a bunch of issues are collected and released in a single volume. I like this because it means I get both more for my money and don’t have to wait a whole month or more for the next installment.

Now, graphic novels tend to collect five or so issues of a comic. That’s a pretty good number, since that’s either a whole story arc, or at least a good chunk of one.

That’s not the case with Chimera Brigade. No, instead, each volume consists of a grand total of two issues.

Two.

Now, I get that the series only ran for ten issues (and that was intentional), releasing them in English as individual issues, then as two-issue “graphic novels” feels like a nasty move on the part of Titan Comics, the series’ English-language publisher.

Now, they are scheduled to release a single-volume collection of the first five issues, but that’s not scheduled for release until the end of this coming March. So yeah, bad form, Titan Comics.

So again, while I certainly do recommend picking up a copy of The Chimera Brigade, maybe wait a little while. And if you don’t happen to have an encyclopedic knowledge of French pulp-era characters, maybe find a source. Personally, I’m thinking of picking up a copy of Jean-Marc Lofficier’s Shadowmen: Heroes and Villains of French Pulp Fiction.

And for the curious, I am planning on starting up a sporking the next entry in the Mortal Instruments series soon. I just need to get started on reading it first.

Comment [3]

Hello, hello, and welcome to another edition of You Should Read This.

Quick catch-up on my stuff. First, the job-hunt continues. I’ve been sending out applications pretty regularly, and I’m keeping my eyes open. I’ve also sent in my application for a state librarian license, which should open up a few doors, and look good on a resume.

I’ve also started work on the City of Glass sporking. I’m still in the reading/note-taking phase (I’m not doing another spork-as-I-go), and I’ve reached the limits of Amazon’s “Look Inside” option, so now I’ll have to bite the bullet and purchase a copy of my own (I would save money and get it from the library, but I refuse to be seen checking it out. I have my dignity.).

But enough of that. You’re here for a book recommendation, and I’ve got one. Today, I’m going to tell you about Neil Gaiman’s American Gods.

Blurb from Amazon:

First published in 2001, American Gods became an instant classic, lauded for its brilliant synthesis of “mystery, satire, sex, horror, and poetic prose” (Washington Post) and as a modern phantasmagoria that “distills the essence of America” (Seattle Post-Intelligencer). It is the story of Shadow—released from prison just days after his wife and best friend are killed in an accident—who gets recruited to be bodyguard, driver, and errand boy for the enigmatic trickster, Mr. Wednesday. So begins Shadow’s dark and strange road trip, one that introduces him to a host of eccentric characters whose fates are mysteriously intertwined with his own. For, beneath the placid surface of everyday life, a storm is brewing—an epic war for the very soul of America—and Shadow is standing squarely in its path.

Honestly, odds are pretty good that you’ve read this book already. And if you haven’t, all I should need to tell you is, “It’s by Neil Gaiman,” and leave it at that. But that would be lazy, so I’ll give you a bit more.

While this book might not be the one that established Urban Fantasy as a sub-genre, it’s certainly one of the best examples. Every culture’s legends and myths are true – Norse, Greek, Egyptian, Arabian, Slavic, all of it. And all those gods and creatures and whatnot are alive in America, where they mix and mingle.

And there are new ‘gods’ as well, of things like TV/movies, mass-communication, and even the idea of Government Conspiracies (yes, Agents from a Vague yet Sinister Government Agency actually exist in this book).

But what I think I love most about about this book is probably what drew me to the short-lived HBO series Carnivàle – it’s a uniquely American story. As much as this novel is about gods from all around the world, it only works in the great melting-pot of cultures that is the United States.

I think that might need some explanation. Yes, there have been other countries that have had globe-spanning empires and brought back the spoils of colonialism back to the homeland, and have subsequently become more culturally diverse (the UK is a prime example). But that multiculturalism was an unintentional side-effect of European countries grabbing up as much territory as they could (not that the US didn’t do its best to get in on the colonial game, mind). But the “American” gods in this book didn’t all come to the USA at gun-point – they came as immigrants, in the hearts and minds of immigrants, and found new lives in a new country.

That idea – the immigrant coming and finding a new life – is one of the major things that America is all about (much as some of my fellow countrymen seem to have forgotten).

Plus, there’s just a whole lot of visiting really weird, off-the-beaten-track locations. We’re talking about weird little tourist traps – “The World’s Biggest Ball of Twine” that sort of thing – that I can’t imagine fitting in a non-American setting.

(There’s actually a neat little discussion of this kind of thing. Basically, those tourist traps are the American equivalent of ancient temples from other parts of the world.)

But I should also come clean – I do have slightly ulterior motives for discussing American Gods. The TV network Starz is adapting the novel into a series, and it’s scheduled to premier in April, so now might be a good time to pick it up, or re-read it. Heck, I’m considering grabbing the 10th Anniversary edition.

But even if that wasn’t the case, this is absolutely a book that deserves to be read. Yes, there is one very weird scene at the beginning of the book (if you’ve read it, you know what I’m talking about, and if you haven’t, you’ll know it when you see it), but I think of that as the Tom Bombadil/Old Forest stuff in Fellowship of the Ring – if you can get past that bit, you’ll be fine.

Comment [6]

Hey, guys! It’s been about two weeks since I last posted one of these, and since nothing’s posted since, I figured I should post something new.

Quick personal life catch-up: I’m officially a state licensed librarian. The process really wasn’t all that arduous – fill out a form, write a check, provide college transcripts and ID – and done. Still, it’s something to add to the resume. And speaking of which, the job hunt is starting to yield results – I’ve got an interview scheduled for a position, and I’m hoping it’ll work out.

But let’s get on to what I’m going to recommend for you all today. It’s another comic book, though in a different vein than the previous one. Sit back, relax, and let me tell you about Rat Queens by Kurtis J. Wiebe.

Blurb for volume one, courtesy of “Comixology:”

Who are the Rat Queens? A pack of booze-guzzling, death-dealing battle maidens-for-hire, and they’re in the business of killing all god’s creatures for profit. It’s also a darkly comedic sass-and-sorcery series starring Hannah the Rockabilly Elven Mage, Violet the Hipster Dwarven Fighter, Dee the Atheist Human Cleric and Betty the Hippy Smidgen Thief. This modern spin on an old school genre is a violent monster-killing epic that is like Buffy meets Tank Girl in a Lord of the Rings world on crack!

Rat Queens is a fantasy/comedy series that follows the adventures of what basically amounts to a standard D&D party – there’s a wizard, a fighter, a cleric, and a thief. What makes it fun and interesting is that the series actually looks at what a world where going out and killing monsters for money is a viable career choice might actually be like.

On the surface, it looks like the only thing that makes Rat Queens interesting is the all-female main cast, but that’s not really true. Each of the characters is interesting in their own way; they have backgrounds and histories that come into play. Even Betty, who’s probably the main comic relief character, is more than just a knock-off Halfling thief.

This series has been going for a while now; the first issue was published back in September of 2013, and there are currently three collected volumes of about five issues each. As you can probably guess, there’s been a bit of schedule-slip due to difficulty retaining an artist: the first was taken off for reasons I won’t go into here, save to say that his being dropped makes sense; the second left for health reasons; the third left for one of two possible reasons, depending on who you believe – either there were some creative issues (the writer’s stance), or the writer was angling to bring back the original artist (the artist’s claim). Since the series is now on its fourth artist, I’m inclined to believe the former.

And speaking of which, we come to the reason that prompted this recommendation in the first place – Rat Queens has finally started publishing again, after an almost year-long hiatus. A new Rat Queens #1 was just released, so now is a great time to get started. Unfortunately, given the contents of the latest issue, it looks like whatever the plot arc that started in the previous issue (#16) has been dropped. It’s doubly unfortunate because that’s also the issue where the adventuring band Vox Mochina (of Geek & Sundry’s series Critical Role) made a guest appearance.

But still, it’s good to see that this series hasn’t been dropped. There’s also two more issues already scheduled for release, so we’ll get at least three issues of the new series.

Honestly, I’m really glad this series is back.

Comment [3]

Hey guys, and welcome to another You Should Read This.

Quick sporking status update – I finally got a copy of City of Glass and am working my way through it. I did decide to scrap what notes I’d already taken, mostly because I was slipping into sporking, rather than taking notes. I’ll try to keep up with that, but I’m also doing Camp NaNoWriMo in April, so we’ll see how that goes.

But enough of that. Today, I have another rarity for this series – a sci-fi book recommendation. This time, it’s Leviathan Wakes, the first book in James S. A. Corey’s Expanse series.

“Blurb:“https://www.amazon.com/Leviathan-Wakes-Expanse-Book-1-ebook/dp/B0047Y171G/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1486676456&sr=8-1

Leviathan Wakes is James S. A. Corey’s first novel in the epic, New York Times bestselling series the Expanse, a modern masterwork of science fiction where humanity has colonized the solar system.
Two hundred years after migrating into space, mankind is in turmoil. When a reluctant ship’s captain and washed-up detective find themselves involved in the case of a missing girl, what they discover brings our solar system to the brink of civil war, and exposes the greatest conspiracy in human history.

As much as I enjoy fantasy books, I also love sci-fi television. And if you happen to watch SyFy, you might be going, “wait, isn’t there a TV series called The Expanse? Is there any connection?”

Why yes, hypothetical reader, there is – the TV show is an adaptation of the books. In fact, most of the first season is based on events from the first novel. I haven’t seen any of the latest season though, so I can’t judge how much it might have deviated from that.

What I love about this series is that it incorporates a lot of stuff from some sci-fi works that I really love: the grand political stuff from Babylon 5; the small, personal crew stuff from Firefly; and even a bit of sci-fi noir ala Blade Runner.

Leviathan Wakes is really more like two novels that happen to intertwine near the end, which is fitting, as James S. A. Corey is actually two people – Daniel Abraham (another author I might talk about at a later time), and Ty Franck. The two plots are very different, but they work well together.

The first is a fairly standard sci-fi space opera, told from the perspective of Jim Holden, a guy from Earth who works on a ship that hauls ice from the rings of Saturn to the colonies in the asteroid belt, and gets caught up in some crazy conspiracy stuff when he decides to respond to a distress call. This is the Firefly-esque stuff – most of the focus is on Holden and his crew, who spend a good chunk of the book completely unaware of what’s going on in the wider solar system, despite being at the heart of it all.

The other main plot is more noir mystery with some sci-fi trappings. It’s told from the perspective of Detective Miller. Miller works security on Ceres, the main colony in the Belt. He’s not nearly the idealist Holden is, which is a nice contrast. While he’s aware of the growing tensions between Earth and Mars, not to mention Outer Planet’s Alliance (a group that walks the line between being freedom fighters and terrorists), Miller doesn’t want any part of it. He gets sucked in when he’s assigned to find/kidnap a girl by the name of Julie Mao. How does this connect to Holden? Well, that would be spoiling it, but rest assured, there’s a connection.

One of the random things I like about this book – actually, the whole series – is how it’s a lot harder than most sci-fi I’ve looked at in the past. For those who don’t know, “hard” science fiction is where the science actually works, and scientific laws and principles are obeyed.

Here’s an example: in most sci-fi properties dealing with space travel, there’s some means of faster-than-light travel. This allows characters to do things like travel to other planets and star systems with relative ease, presumably where they can do other things like meet intelligent alien life.

In hard sci-fi, you can’t do that. Ships traveling through space are restricted to a maximum speed of that of light, unless including some kind of work-around, like using wormholes.

(Note: this isn’t to say that either is better or worse. They’re just different.)

So yeah, space travel in Leviathan Wakes is slow. Slower even than in the TV series. It takes days, weeks, even months to go relatively short distances. And I like that, if only because of the novelty of it (in my experience, at least).

That’s not to say that this series doesn’t do a bit of hand-waving when necessary. But when it does, it’s either A) a background detail to allow the setting to function, or B) specifically acknowledged in-book as defying our current understanding of physics (no, I’m not going to spoil it).

So there you go. If you’re looking for good sci-fi series with a focus on good characters, large-scale politics, and some pretty accurate science, then pick up Leviathan Wakes.

Comment [9]

Hey, folks. It’s been, well, a while since I last posted anything here. But I have my reasons.

*I’ve been working on my own writing. I finally finished a first draft of a novel I started writing last year; I wrote a quick bit of flash fiction for a contest (I didn’t win, but at least I’ve got something to submit elsewhere); and I spent July working on another novel I’ve been tinkering with.

*I’ve also been working on my sporking of City of Glass. I just finished chapter 11, and there are only 20 chapters, plus an epilogue. Not counting the excerpts from other novels (which I will not be looking at – you can’t make me) I’m now about half-way through. Also, I’m considering cross-posting it over at the Das Sporking community over on Dreamwidth – tell me what you think about that.

*For my personal life, things are okay. The job hunt continues, with varying results. I’m trying to keep my hopes up. I’m also playing D&D both in-person and on Roll20, which is fun.

But enough of me and my problems! Let’s talk awesome books.

So, today, I’d like to talk about a book you may or may not have heard of, from an author you almost certainly have – George RR Martin’s A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms.

Blurb, courtesy of Amazon:

Taking place nearly a century before the events of A Game of Thrones, A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms compiles the first three official prequel novellas to George R. R. Martin’s ongoing masterwork, A Song of Ice and Fire. These never-before-collected adventures recount an age when the Targaryen line still holds the Iron Throne, and the memory of the last dragon has not yet passed from living consciousness.
Before Tyrion Lannister and Podrick Payne, there was Dunk and Egg. A young, naïve but ultimately courageous hedge knight, Ser Duncan the Tall towers above his rivals—in stature if not experience. Tagging along is his diminutive squire, a boy called Egg—whose true name is hidden from all he and Dunk encounter. Though more improbable heroes may not be found in all of Westeros, great destinies lay ahead for these two . . . as do powerful foes, royal intrigue, and outrageous exploits.
Featuring more than 160 all-new illustrations by Gary Gianni, A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms is a must-have collection that proves chivalry isn’t dead — yet.

Now, chances are you’ve heard of Martin’s series, A Song of Ice and Fire, or at least the HBO series based on it, Game of Thrones. And if you’ve read the books, you’ve noticed a trend – there’s now quite a gap between when the books are released. This has only developed recently: the first three books, A Game of Thrones, A Clash of Kings, and A Storm of Swords, were all released in two-year intervals (1996, 1998, and 2000, respectively). But the fourth book, A Feast for Crows, didn’t come out until 2005, and the last book, A Dance of Dragons, was only released in 2011. The next book, The Winds of Winter, still doesn’t have an official release date.

Now, don’t construe this as me complaining – as Neil Gaiman said of Martin way back in 2009, he is ‘not your bitch.’ I understand that Martin has a lot of projects on his plate. But that said, I (and perhaps some of you) do still get cravings for more adventures and stories from Westeros.

And that’s where A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms comes in.

See, while A Song of Ice and Fire is the main series for the setting, those aren’t the only works Martin has written set in Westeros. He helped in the composition of The World of Ice and Fire, a hefty tome presented as an in-world document, which provides a ton of details about the history of the world, as well as places readers have only ever heard about. Martin’s contributed a number of in-world histories to several anthologies – “The Princess and the Queen” in Dangerous Women (2013), “The Rogue Prince” in Rogues (2014), and “The Sons of the Dragon” in The Book of Swords (this October).

But all of these are presented as works of scholarship. They’re history, not really stories. The Dunk & Egg series, on the other hand, are aren’t.

The first Dunk & Egg story, “The Hedge Knight,” was published in the 1998 anthology, Legends, the second, “The Sworn Sword,” in 2003’s Legends II, and the third, “The Mystery Knight,” in 2010’s Warriors. The novellas, as the blurb said, follow the adventures of the hedge knight Ser Duncan the Tall and his squire, Egg, as they travel across the Seven Kingdoms, and get caught up in events larger than themselves.

For a while, you could only find these stories in those anthologies. The first two had been adapted into stand-alone graphic novels, but those had also been out of print for some time. But then, in 2015 (likely stirred by interest in the TV show), Bantam decided to publish the Dunk & Egg stories in one volume. Initially, the plan was to publish the collection after the release of the fourth Dunk & Egg novella in Dangerous Women (currently titled “The She-Wolves of Winterfell”), but when that story fell through, they went ahead with the already published works. Martin hasn’t settled on exactly how many Dunk & Egg stories there will be, but there’s every indication that he intends to write more.

Now, you might be asking yourself, “So what? Why would I be interested in stories set decades before the events of the main series, and about some random wandering knight?” Well, the answer involves some very, very minor spoilers, but I’ll warn you just in case.

[SPOILERS BEGIN HERE]

“Egg” is short for Aegon. As in, Aegon Targaryen. This particular Aegon will go on to eventually become Aegon V, commonly known as Aegon the Unlikely (being the fourth son of a fourth son, and thus pretty far down the line of succession). He’ll eventually be the grandfather of Aerys II, aka the Mad King, and the great-grandfather of Robert I Baratheon, the king when A Game of Thrones begins.

And while Dunk may be a mere hedge knight now, he’ll eventually become Lord Commander of Aegon’s Kingsguard. In short, these are two figures whose actions play a prominent role in the background of the main series. And that doesn’t even get into the actual events of the stories themselves.

[SPOILERS END HERE]

These stories are solid, as you could expect from Martin. And since they’re set so long before the events of the main series, you don’t really need to have read A Game of Thrones or any of the other books (though it doesn’t hurt). They’re also stand-alone works, rather than part of a more connected series, so you can feel free to read one, then put the book down for a while, and pick it up again later.

And, to entice the people who may have bought the original anthologies, the book does include a whole lot of absolutely beautiful black and white illustrations. So if you have a craving for more ASoIaF goodness and can’t wait for the next installment, pick up A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms if you haven’t already.

But even if you’re not especially inclined to seek out a copy for yourself (or perhaps already own a copy) there’s more. Remember the comic book adaptations? Well, Jet City Comics acquired the rights to both “The Hedge Knight” and “The Sworn Sword” and republished them in 2013 and 2014, respectively, and Bantam published a graphic novel adaptation of “The Mystery Knight” just a few days ago.

If I have one complaint about these stories, it’s that they tend to circle around a certain conflict in Westeros’s history, in much the same way that the main series circles around Robert’s Rebellion. In this case, the war is the Blackfyre Rebellion, a dynastic struggle between two children of Aegon IV (aka “Aegon the Unworthy”) – his true-born son, Daeron Targaryen, and his bastard son, Daemon Blackfyre (nee Waters). Personally, I find this conflict fascinating, especially the very colorful characters that are the Great Bastards (Aegon’s bastard children from prominent noble families): Daemon Blackfyre; Aegor “Bittersteel” Rivers; and Brynden “Bloodraven” Rivers are my particular favorites. So far, we’ve only ever gotten glimpses of them, and accounts of the Rebellion given after the fact. I read reports that HBO is working on several possible spin-off series for when Game of Thrones finishes, and I honestly hope one of them is the Blackfyre Rebellion.

But whatever else may come, I eagerly await the next installment in the adventures of Dunk & Egg.

Comment [7]

Hey, everybody. It’s been… well, a while. I didn’t mean to sit this long, but I got a bit bogged down with other stuff, including my own writing.

Quick sporking update: unfortunately, I haven’t gotten much work done on the City of Glass sporking since the last update. However, since I recently finished work on a short story, I’m determined to spend the rest of October working on it until I’ve finished taking my notes. After I’ve recovered from that, I’ll get to putting together the actual sporking. Depending on whether or not I decide to take part in NaNaWriMo this year, I may be able to get the first entry out in December, if not earlier.

Stay tuned for further updates.

But now, let’s get to the books.

You know, when I started writing these, I intended to discuss books that were maybe a bit outside the main-stream. Books that people – including those who read sci-fi/ fantasy – might not have heard of. Books by authors who didn’t have a ton of name recognition. And looking over my reviews, I think I’ve managed to stick with that. Sure, I’ve slipped a bit now and then, but I like to think that even then I tended to go for less well-known works.

But today, I’m getting back to my roots. I’m going to tell you guys about a book that you literally cannot find in stores – Priest, by Matthew Colville.

Blurb-ity-blurb:

For centuries the people of Ollghum Keep relied on the knights of the Green Order to protect them from the horrors of the haunted wood. Now, as before, a monstrous army marches on their small town. But this time, the Green Order is nowhere to be found.
The Bishop sends the priest Heden into the wood, to find out why. Arriving at their secret priory, Heden discovers their commander is dead, the remaining knights paralyzed with despair. They will not act, they will not tell him what happened, and with each hour the monstrous army gets closer to Ollghum Keep. Thousands will die if the priest fails.
When the knights start dying one by one, Heden must race to unravel the conspiracy of silence and save the knights from themselves so they can save the people they were sworn to guard.

Now, you may be wondering how, if this book isn’t available in actual book stores, did I manage to find out about it? Well, that’s simple – I watched Matt Colville’s videos one Youtube.

You see, Matt Colville is a writer at Turtle Rock Studios, the makers of games such as Left 4 Dead and Evolve. He’s also been playing D&D since 1986, which is longer than I’ve been alive. Most of his videos focus on playing D&D, specifically advice for new and aspiring DMs.

But in addition to this, he’s also an independent fantasy author – no agent, no publisher, and any expenses (like editing and cover art) come out of his pocket. The down side of this is that, well, you can’t get his books in a brick-and-mortar store; the up side is that he sees a larger cut of the sales, namely in ebooks. And the money he gets from those sales goes into allowing him to make more videos, since he doesn’t monetize his D&D videos, nor does he have a Patreon.

(Also, he’s friends with Liam O’Brien and Matt Mercer of Critical Role, and even got tapped to help write the prequel comics from Dark Horse – the benefits of connections!)

Anyway, back to Priest. This is the first in Colville’s Ratchatchers series, which so far consists of this and the sequel, Thief. Apparently, the whole series is basically one big story about putting together a team of adventurers, or “ratcatchers,” as they’re sometimes called. (That’s a trend Colville apparently likes to use – that adventurers aren’t really liked, because they cause trouble, and will probably do anything for enough money)

The plot of this one is pretty straight-forward: Heden, a former priest and adventurer, is ordered to investigate what’s going on with a mysterious and ancient order of knights, the Green Order, and perform a ritual to redeem them. Unfortunately, the knights are less than forthcoming as to what they did, and with an army of monsters heading for the nearby city and the knights the only thing in the way, Heden has to solve the mystery before it’s too late.

The book is set in a pretty standard D&D world, as you might expect – in fact, it’s set in the same home-brew world Colville uses for his own games. That said, don’t expect a lot of light-hearted adventure. This book is rough, and it gets ugly. The cover proclaims it’s, “a fantasy hardboiled,” and that’s pretty accurate. It’s certainly not the darkest thing I’ve read, but if you’re expecting something along the line of Tolkien, you’re out of luck.

It’s a good read, though I will admit to getting a bit frustrated at some points. There were a few points where I just wanted one of the characters to stop being so damn secretive, but since that’s how this kind of investigation would probably go in real life, I’m willing to let it slide.

There are two complaints I do have, though.

First is Heden’s magic sword, Starkiller. I understand that it’s supposed to be a powerful artifact, but the amount of destruction it can rain down (literally) makes me feel it’s a bit of a deus ex machina. Kinda makes me wonder why he’s so hesitant to use the damn thing when it would be most handy.

The second is that the story just kind of… ends. There’s no real resolution. Yes, the mystery is solved, but that happens almost literally on the last page. I knew going in that this was the first book in a series, but I didn’t think that this would basically be a prequel to the actual story.

Those point aside, the book is good. I fully intend to pick up the next book, as well as the others when they eventually come out. And the Vox Machina Origins comics, because I also like Critical Role. And the more money Colville gets, the more writing he can do, and the more videos he can make. He gets money, and I get entertainment.

So, give Priest a shot. You’ve probably wasted $5 on worse things, and it goes to supporting an awesome and nerdy guy do awesome and nerdy things.

Comment [9]

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another review!

Okay, so some quick housekeeping:

First, I am done with taking notes for the sporking of City of Glass. Cue the music, pop the champagne, and light the fireworks!

On second thought, don’t do that last one. I have my reasons.

Anyway, yes, I’m finally finished reading the third and what should have been final book in the Mortal Instruments series. I honestly thought I’d have finished it weeks ago, but then, through a combination of dealing with other issues and general laziness, I somehow managed to drag out the process until almost the end of October. But in my defense, the book is just terrible. Especially the end; I got through every chapter of the book in one go, but it took me three sessions to get through the epilogue. It was just that frustrating and boring.

And because of how utterly exhausting that was, I’m taking November off. I’m going to be trying to do NaNoWriMo (I’m going to try using the Pomodoro Technique – look it up – to reach my word count), but hopefully I’ll be getting to the sporking some time in December.

But I don’t want to go completely radio-silent, so I’m going to crank out a couple of reviews to post throughout November. And I have a theme for them, too – all the works will have some connection to the world’s favorite role-playing game, Dungeons & Dragons.

(Yes, I’m a huge nerd. I know.)

So, first up, we have the official (if not creatively named) IDW’s Dungeons & Dragons. And not just one volume, but the entire thing.

Blurb from Vol. 1: Shadowplague, courtesy of “Comixology:”: https://www.comixology.com/Dungeons-Dragons-Vol-1-Shadowplague/digital-comic/21166?ref=c2VyaWVzL3ZpZXcvZGVza3RvcC9ncmlkTGlzdC9Db2xsZWN0ZWRFZGl0aW9ucw

Collects DUNGEONS & DRAGONS 0-5!
Beginning a new era in Dungeons & Dragons history! The genre-defining roleplaying game gets its first ongoing series in years! Join writer John Rogers (Blue Beetle) and artist Andrea Di Vito (Annihilation) as they bring us a tale of high adventure and deep secrets. Adric Fell leads a band of heroes in a world where civilization has been reduced to a few scattered points of light amid a rising tide of shadows.

Not a lot of detail, I know, but it gives you the general set up.

So, some history: in 2008, Wizards of the Coast released the 4th edition of Dungeons & Dragons. Reactions were mixed, to put it lightly. There were a lot of changes between 3.5 and 4. Two new core races were added (Tiefling and Dragonborn), and one removed (Gnome). The class system was re-vamped, with four general categories of class (defender, controller, leader, and striker), with two new classes added to the core rules (warlord and warlock), and several removed (barbarian, bard, druid, sorcerer, and monk). The mechanics got a major overhaul, with every class being given certain powers or abilities that could be used one a day, once per encounter, or at-will. The core level cap was raised to 30, and instead of selecting a prestige class, characters to choose a “paragon path” at 11th level, and an “epic destiny” at 21st. Alignment was paired down from 9 to 5 (LG-G-N-E-CE), and the set up of the planes was also simplified.

Most of the flack, from what I’ve gathered, is that the system was too “game-y.” The powers/ability systems were too much like something out of an MMO, the class categories made people mad (even though it’s basically incorporating terms everyone already uses). There were probably also complaints about certain classes not being included in the core rulebooks, but I honestly don’t want to go delving into the sludge to find out.

But the big thing that I liked about 4th Edition was the default setting, the Points of Light, or as it later came to be known, Nentir Vale.

Reading the books (my first actual set of D&D books, which might partially explain my soft-spot for the system), I got the feeling that WotC really wanted to give the DMs a basic framework to build their own world in. There are a few details provided – the name of the now-fallen human empire, the existence of ancient warring Tiefling and Dragonborn empires, a pantheon consisting of gods from various settings, and a map of the Nentir Vale itself, but that was it.

I liked this, because every other setting for D&D was – and in my opinion, still are – too well-defined. There are maps of the Forgotten Realms, and Greyhawk, and Eberron, and every other published setting. Some of the published settings are older than I am, if they don’t date back to the origins of D&D. They’d been mapped, and charted, and explored in exhausting detail. If you’re playing in any of these settings and ask the DM, “what’s beyond the edge of the map?” instead of going, “I don’t know, let’s find out,” the DM can pick up a book and hand it to you, and you can find your answer there. There’s no real opportunity to improvise, no chance to create a world of their own.

But let’s get back to the comic.

Just as most of the big settings had books detailing their world, they also had works of fiction set within them, whether it be comic books, novels, or even video games. The IDW comic series was the only such work to take place in the Nentir Vale setting.

The series – naturally – focuses on a group of adventurers, Fell’s Five: Adric Fell, a human fighter; Varis, a wood elf ranger; Khal Khalundurrin, a dwarf paladin; Bree Three-Hands, a Halfling rouge; and Tisha Swornheart, a Tiefling warlock.

What I love about this series is that it doesn’t take itself too seriously; the characters will crack jokes. To quote the series’ “TVTropes page,”: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Comicbook/DungeonsAndDragons the series, “often reads as much like as a bunch of creative players playing their characters as it does an actual story.”

In short, it’s just a flat-out fun read.

Which is what makes the next part so depressing. The series ran for a total of 16 issues, ending its run very suddenly in February of 2012. You can tell the decision was sudden from a few facts. There are plot lines that are set up, but never developed. We get a brief flashback showing how three of the protagonists meet (and actually get to see how the party met Tisha), but nothing else. There are hints at characters’ back stories that are only ever just hints. Finally, the last issue ends with a teaser for the next adventure – if that doesn’t mean there were plans for more, I don’t know what is.

Still, I’m grateful that at least some of the story got to be told. And the entire series is available on Comixology, so you can pick it up for yourself.

Comment [24]

(Appologies up front for posting this on a Wednesday. I meant to post it sooner, but got caught up with other stuff)

Hello peoples, and welcome to the second D&D-related review for November. Since I’m writing this ahead of time, there’s no updates from me, so let’s dive into the review.

Today, I want to tell you all about Dragon Precinct, by Keith R. A. DeCandido.

Blurb from Goodreads:

Humans and elves, dwarves and gnomes, wizards and warriors all live and do business in the thriving, overcrowded port city of Cliff’s End, to say nothing of the tourists and travelers who arrive by land and sea, passing through the metropolis on matters of business or pleasure-or on quests. The hard-working, under-appreciated officers of the Cliff’s End Castle Guard work day and night to maintain law and order as best they can. Gan Brightblade is one of the world’s greatest heroes and a personal friend of the Lord and Lady of Cliff’s End. So when he’s brutally murdered in grubby lodgings in Dragon Precinct, on the eve of a great quest, the Captain of the Guard puts his two best investigators on the case. The half-elf Danthres Tresyllione and ex-soldier Torin ban Wyvald soon discover that the crime scene is empty of any forensic evidence — physical or magical. They have no clues, and the heat is on.
The Lord and Lady want their friend’s murder solved — now. The populace is mourning the loss of a great hero. The ever-unhelpful Brotherhood of Wizards could take over the case at any minute. And then another member of Brightblade’s party turns up dead….

So the last review focused on a fairly standard group of adventurers in an official D&D setting. It’s good, but you can admittedly find similar stuff elsewhere.

Dragon Precinct, along with the other novels in the series, don’t focus the adventurers. Instead, they take the novel approach of telling the story of possibly some of the most over-looked characters in any adventure – the city guards.

And I for one love the novelty of this idea. To my knowledge, the only other works in the fantasy genre that focus on the exploits of the city guards or watch in a fantasy setting are the ones in the Guards sub-series of Terry Pratchett’s Discworld. There may be some others, but none really stand out in my mind. And as much as I love those, the Discworld books are – at least for me – equal parts fantasy and comedy. The Dragon Precinct books, on the other hand, aren’t. If the novels of Ankh-Morpork’s City Watch are the Keystone Cops, then the Dragon Precinct books are Law & Order.

I came across this book a while back, and decided to support the author’s Kickstarter or GoFundMe campaign, and as a reward, I got to read a short story about one of Gan Brightblade’s previous adventures. I believe it was after I read that that I decided to pick up the first book in the series, Dragon Precinct. I enjoyed it, and even put the other books in the series on my “to read” list on Goodreads, but it was only this past Labor Day that I actually picked up the sequel, Unicorn Precinct.

This book, and the sequels, are also really short, with the current paperback runs clocking in at about 180 pages each, so if you’re like me and can read reasonably fast, you can blitz through these books pretty quick. Or, if you find they’re not to your liking, you’ll only waste a few days.

My only complaint is the price-tag. I got the first book for my Kindle, but sadly, these books are no longer available in that format. And the price of a new paperback comes to about $15, which is about twice what I’d normally expect, especially for something that’s less than 200 pages long.

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You Should Read This – Skullkickers

Hey, people. I’m in the midst of NaNoWriMo, and doing well, so let’s get to the review.

This week, I want to talk about another comic book. This week, we’re discussing Skullkickers.

Series blurb, from Comixology:

No one knows who these two mercenaries are or where they came from. The only thing that’s clear is they’re two of most ornery, trouble-making warriors that’ve ever lived. It’s action-adventure comedy, sword & sorcery-style.
Before their new comic series began, the Skullkickers kicked their way across two short stories in Image’s Eisner Award-winning Popgun anthology series. Discover these two tales and an exclusive sneak peek at the first issue of Skullkickers.

Skullkickers, like just about all the fantasy comics I’ve talked about, is set in your standard fantasy world, but with a twist. The twist this time being that the protagonists happen to be the worst sort of amoral, mercenary adventurers you could expect from this kind of setting. They’ll kill just about anything if there’s money in it, but not a moment before.

I know that sounds pretty dark, but the comic is actually pretty funny. Actually, I think it might have been the first D&D-esque comic that I read. I certainly remember sending a copy to somebody as part of the ImpishIdea Secret Santa one year.

Anyway, if the Dungeons & Dragons comic from a few weeks ago was basically a comic adaptation of an actual D&D game, this would be the comic adaptation of a D&D cartoon, and not just because the art style has a very cartoony bent to it. If that cartoon also happened to be something more at an adult audience than children.

So, what’s the D&D connection, apart from the generic fantasy setting and the protagonists being adventurers? Well, in 2014, two years into this comic’s run, the writer, Jim Zub, got tapped to write the latest licensed D&D comic published by IDW. This one focuses on the escapades of a group of adventurers, including Minsc, a fan-favorite from the old Baldur’s Gate games. I haven’t been following that series beyond the first five issues, but it ties in closely with the products coming out of Wizards of the Coast, with the characters visiting Ravenloft (Curse of Strahd) and currently dealing with some out of control giants (Storm King’s Thunder).

And if you’re still not certain if Skullkickers is for you, I have some good news – Zub and Edwin Huang, the artist, decided to start releasing the comic online, for free, a few pages at a time, finally finishing in March of last year. So, if you were so inclined, you could read the entire run of Skullkickers for free, starting here.

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Hey, internet peoples. This will be my fourth and final D&D-related review, and it’s a goody.

Again, no real possibility for updates, so let’s get right to it. Today, I’m going to tell you guys about Poul Anderson’s Three Hearts and Three Lions.

Blurb, from Amazon:

A World War II resistance fighter, transported to a medieval realm of magic and myth, undertakes a perilous quest in this classic fantasy adventure.
Holger Carlsen is a rational man of science. A Danish engineer working with the Resistance to defeat the Nazis, he’s wounded during an engagement with the enemy and awakens in an unfamiliar parallel universe where the forces of Law are locked in eternal combat with the forces of Chaos. Against a medieval backdrop, brave knights must take up arms against magical creatures of myth and faerie, battling dragons, trolls, werewolves, and giants.
Though Holger has no recollection of this world, he discovers he’s already well-known throughout the lands, a hero revered as a Champion of Law. He finds weaponry and armor awaiting him—precisely fitted to his form—and a shield with three hearts and three lions emblazoned upon it. As he journeys through a realm filled with wonders in search of the key to his past, Holger will call upon the scientific knowledge of his home dimension—the destinies of both worlds hanging in the balance.
Before Thomas Covenant, Roger Zelazny’s Amber, and J. R. R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings, the great Poul Anderson introduced readers to the Middle World and the legendary hero Ogier the Dane. Inventive and exciting, _Three Hearts and Three Lions_is a foray into fantasy that employs touches of science fiction from an award-winning master of the speculative.

Now, this is a bit of a re-discovered classic. And I do mean classic – the book was originally published as a novella in 1953, then expanded into a novel in 1961.

At this point, you might be going, “but Apep, how can this have anything to do with Dungeons & Dragons, when the earliest versions of that game didn’t come out until the mid-1970s? And to that I answer, “have you ever looked at the ‘recommended reading’ list at the back of any of the D&D books?”

That’s right – this is one of the many books that inspired Gary Gygax and Dave Arneson as they developed their game. It also probably influenced the work of Michael Moorecock, another source for Gygax and Arneson, so in a way, Anderson’s impact was doubled.

What kind of influence am I talking about? Well, here’s a few off the top of my head: the role of paladins as something more than mere knights (heck, you could even attribute the decision to call them paladins in the first place to this book); that trolls are monsters that regenerate unless burnt, rather than turning to stone in sunlight; and the original alignment system, which had “Law” at one end, and “Chaos” at the other, rather than “Good” or “Evil”.

So what exactly is the deal with Three Hearts and Three Lions, and why should you read it?

Well, first of all, this is one of those early works of the Fantasy genre. Anderson, though not exactly a contemporary of Tolkien, pulled from some of the same sources as Tolkien in his own fantasy works. But Anderson, unlike Tolkien, didn’t have a background in linguistics – instead, he got his degree in physics, and clearly had some expertise in history, as he was one of the founders of the Society for Creative Anachronism. And it’s this knowledge that differentiates Anderson’s work from being yet another Tolkien wannabe.

As you can tell from the blurb, this book comes from that old tradition of the genre, where someone from the real, modern world gets transported to a fantastic world, if only so there can be a reason to justify all the inevitable info-dumping. In this case, our fish-out-of-water is Holger Carlsen, an American-trained engineer who returns to his native Denmark to fight the Nazis in World War II. During the middle of a fight, he’s knocked out, and wakes up in a strange forest. He soon finds a horse, bearing a suit of armor and a shield with a strange coat of arms – three hearts and three lions. Holger dons the armor, mounts the horse, and sets off to figure out what’s happened to him, and things get a bit crazy from there.

What I especially love about this book, though, is how Anderson doesn’t just rely on saying “it’s magic” to explain certain things. Remember, Holger is an engineer, so he’s not stupid.

For example, after keeping an ogre up all night so it gets turned to stone by the sun (even Anderson couldn’t resist that trope), one of Holger’s companions warns him against taking the ogre’s gold, saying that it’s, “cursed.” Holger, being a man of science, doesn’t believe it, but then thinks about it from a scientific perspective – all that carbon in the ogre just suddenly turned into silicon. That kind of thing has some effects. Effects like a sudden burst of radiation. So, Holger concludes that the “curse” is that the gold is now radioactive, and agrees to not loot the body.

There’s another incident like this as well. Over the course of his adventures, Holger comes into possession of a knife that burns, which he determines is made of magnesium rather than iron. This comes in handy later, when he’s trapped underwater and has to drive back his captor.

It’s little bits like that that I especially appreciate. The world Holger has been transported to might not work exactly like ours, but the rules haven’t been entirely tossed out the window.

But the best part of all this is that it’s now back in print. When I first got this book, it was only available in audio, which is fine, but there was at least one moment where I literally had no idea what a certain character was saying (the character was a dwarf, who spoke in the now-stereotypical Scottish accent, which wasn’t helped by it being laid over a Scandinavian accent).

So that’s it. That’s all my reviews for the month. If all goes well, I should be starting up the sporking of City of Glass soon, so look for that some time in the near future.

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