This is Peter’s Evil Overlord List, and makes a mockery of all the dumb things villains and antagonists do. While hopefully no one will do this in their story, it’s still a good laugh.
Excerpt:
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant.
If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
If my advisors ask “Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?”, I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they’d better save my life again.
I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. “Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.” Instead it will be more along the lines of “Push the button.”
I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others’ lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
There are lot’s more, so take a look. After the NaNoWriMo shenanigans, I hope to do a spoof comedy on Inheritance Cycle and the whole stereotypical fantasy genre. An evil villain has done everything right. He’s immortal and all powerful, and the assassination attempts have stopped centuries ago. But now he wants out, and he needs to somehow bring up a ‘callow youth’ to destroy him.
Snow White Queen on 17 October 2008, 18:42 said:
ahhh i remember this list. one of my favorites!
my family thought i was insane when they heard the laughter coming from my room (and no, it was not maniacal).
Virgil on 17 October 2008, 20:35 said:
Yeah, it’s always made me laugh.
Snow White Queen on 17 October 2008, 20:38 said:
i’m not having a real villain in the story i’m writing, and if i did, it wouldn’t be an evil overlord type…
however if i did choose to go with that idea, i would definitely consult this list to make my diabolical dictator a little more realistic.
Snow White Queen on 18 October 2008, 18:29 said:
haha, your parody sounds pretty interesting…
you have tons of good ideas! (it took me forever to even come up with my nanowrimo one)
Amelie on 19 October 2008, 18:24 said:
Ahahahahahaha
You really need to write that parody. And of course, the “callow youth” should have no idea that he’s just there as a plot device and think he’s just about the best thing since the toaster. Oh, Eragon. sigh
Virgil on 19 October 2008, 18:29 said:
Yeah, I’ll get around to it after NaNoWriMo. Since it’s parody I won’t have to do everything perfect, just sort of funny.
Snow White Queen on 19 October 2008, 18:32 said:
yeah, that’s what makes parody fun…
me and my friend were writing this massive parody of lord of the rings, star wars, and pirates of the caribbean (however, i’m now considering adding in eragon). it makes absolutely no sense in many ways but somehow is still funny…to us.
Amelie on 23 October 2008, 20:41 said:
I’ve written parodies of tons of stuff too… but that’s often the problem with parodies- a lot of times they’re only funny to the people writing them! They’re harder than they seem. :P
Addie on 23 October 2008, 20:49 said:
Virgil, you should seriously do that parody! It could be absolutely brilliant. We’re all getting tired of the same sort of archetypal hero’s journey overthrow-the-evil-emperor plot; it would be SO refreshing to see someone flip it on its ear.
Virgil on 23 October 2008, 21:06 said:
Well, I can’t back out of it now.. :), I’ll get around to it after my NaNovel shenanigans. Those will take a while.
Snow White Queen on 23 October 2008, 22:30 said:
amelie:
yeah, me and a friend (actually hopeudance) wrote a really strange parody, and i’m pretty sure that only the people who intimitely know our weirdness would find it remotely amusing.
Snow White Queen on 23 October 2008, 22:43 said:
oh i already mentioned that. oops.
Rand on 10 November 2008, 18:54 said:
@SWQ:
When is your next installment of the mad chats coming out? I still have the latest one on my desktop.
Other than that, yes, I’d love for Eragon to appear.
Snow White Queen on 10 November 2008, 19:45 said:
I haven’t had time recently, what with NaNoWriMo and all…but I’d like to add Eragon, some other Inheritance characters, and some Twilight characters when I resume working on it.