Hey, everybody. I apologize for the long delay; I was busy with finals. To make it up to you, and since the following chapters are so short, this installment will spork three chapters at once. Here goes.
Chapter 9 begins with a sexualized description of Joy. We’ll be reading plenty more of these as the series goes on. Look John, none of us want to read about how one of your students gives you a hard-on.
In order to explain why he will not be teaching any further classes, John lies to the university and tells them that he has terminal cancer. Tor’s groupies allot him two days to get all his affairs in order.
Naturally, since this story is a wankfest (in more ways than one) by Rummel, Joy accompanies John everywhere. And I do mean everywhere. They even sleep in the same room. John even explicitly calls Joy his sexual fantasy, thus confirming that he only views her as a sex object. We get some useless information about John’s childhood, including that he would enter the women’s locker room because he was “the mascot”. Uh, yeah… Keep telling yourself that, John.
John asks Joy about her family, and we finally learn that (le gasp!) Tor is not Joy’s biological mother. Her real parents were Sino-Vietnamese (and yes, she insists on being referred to as such) who tried to escape Vietnam on a makeshift boat in 1979. (Remember Joy’s essay on the Boat People, way back in Chapter 2?) Supposedly, pirates attacked the boat and killed all of the occupants except for Joy, whom they somehow failed to notice. Note to Rummel: this is a small rowboat; no one can hide in one of those. The boat drifted aimlessly until, by sheer coincidence, a kindly fisherman discovered it off the coast of the Philippines and saved her life.1 In a contrived coincidence truly worthy of a soap opera, a journalist reports on this story, Tor finds out, and adopts her. At this point in time, Tor would have only just arrived in America. It turns out that, soon after Tor escaped Cambodia, she got a job as translator for the United Nations and met Gu, who had her inducted into the Survivor’s Benevolent Society. This is all information that would be interesting had it been substituted for one of the interminable Very Special Flashback Sequences, but which nobody cares about now. It’s not like we’ll see any for Tor’s groupies again.
Also, Joy is apparently named Joy because Tor “thought of [her] as the child she would have had with Nguon.”2 With that, the chapter ends.
Now onto Chapter 10. John asks Joy about her prowess in martial arts and weaponry. As it turns out, mere months after Joy was adopted, Tor put her through a strict training regimen of exercises. (Joy gratuitously shows John a rather sexualized one.) In addition to acrobatic exercises, she was also taught martial arts. Apparently, at one point she broke another trainee’s arm, and was not punished for it.
Sue-dometer goes off
Now, what need would Joy have for this training? It is all but stated that Tor was raising Joy to become their temporal operative from the start. Was she just a means to an end for Tor’s groupies? This is probably the worst thing that they do in the books. It’s quite ironic that an organization opposed to Third World living conditions decided to create what is essentially a child soldier. Rummel does not go into any more detail, and just brushes it aside as if it is no big deal.
Then, there is some bullshit about the Far East having total sexual freedom, and that Tor has taught Joy to view the sexual act in this way. Can anybody say Critical Research Failure? In fact, when Joy was seventeen (!) Tor enrolled her in a secret academy where the students are taught and perform sexual acts. I kid you not:
I was deflowered, of course, and taught the arts of love by male and female instructors.”
She was right. Now I was embarrassed, and I couldn’t keep my voice from sounding hoarse as I asked, “Did you make love?”
I must have blushed rose red with that asinine question, for I felt as though I was leaning against a hot stove in winter, and I wanted to take out my tongue, nail it to a wall, and whip it. Jesus!
The corners of Joy’s mouth tipped upward, but she puckered her lips—it must have been a supreme effort for her not to guffaw outright. As it was, she still had to respond, “How else does one learn, except by experience?”
Immediately realizing its implications, she reconsidered what she had admitted. Now she looked at me with a worried expression. “John, it was just training, all physical, nothing of the heart or soul. It was like masturbating, only learning to do it well.” (page 118)
ARIUEFBVNA J AIFEROVDJ JVAFHNV
WTF am I reading?
Also note how Joy is already defensive of her behavior to John. What, are they boyfriend and girlfriend already? Aye aye aye…
After a page of Mills and Boon Prose, the chapter ends.
Chapter 11 begins with the readers being told that Joy is a flirt and has a temper. The readers do not need this information, because they can easily figure this out for themselves. I should also take this time to point out that these are all traits John finds desirable. Now matter how much of a Jerk Sue Joy is, John’s lust for her still forms a towering edifice. Apparently Rummel has a thing for tsunderes.
John and Joy have an appointment with a lawyer, Pete Sawyer (geddit?) so that John can write his will. Shouldn’t Joy write one too? I’m sure that she has possessions…
This was the first of what would be uncounted office visits we would make together the rest of our lives, often armed with enough hardware to defeat a regiment. (page 120)
Two things:
1. This is foreshadowing, and
2. “Hardware” is a computer. “Arms” refers to weapons, and is the word that Rummel should have used.
I am now picturing John and Joy entering an office wrapped up in extension cords with iMacs dangling off at dangerous angles.
John and Pete make some rather sexist wisecracks while Joy is in the room. She does not object to this.
Once again, John lies about having a terminal disease. He wills everything to Tor’s groupies; clearly, this whole thing is just a complicated scam!
Next, John and Joy go on a plane. Where to? Bangkok. Rummel, you magnificent bastard you…3
Then we get a really stupid, and I mean really stupid, plot about John being jealous of Sawyer the lawyer, just because Joy thinks that he’s a nice person. Not only is she a horrible judge of character, but John comes off as a possessive control freak. The two of them act like children in a pizza parlor, and I hope that they embarrass themselves in front of all those minor characters. There is more Product Placement, when it comes to beverages. For some reason I doubt that Rummel got permission from each of these companies…4
While our two idiots reconcile, Joy “melts”. Ding dong, the witch is dead?
…No, it’s just stupid narration. The Jerk Sue extraordinaire will be with us for the foreseeable future, I’m afraid.
Really, this whole scene is pointless! They’re just eating pizza! ARGH!
And then Joy starts talking about Tor’s groupies again. It’s really pointless; one can skip it entirely and not miss anything. And with that, the chapter ends.
Really, these three chapters were, on the whole, pretty pointless. There was no reason to split them up, and even less reason to include them to begin with, particularly Chapter 11, more than half of which was John being unreasonably possessive of Joy while eating pizza. The whole thing is mind-boggling. I’ve had enough for one day.
Footnotes
1 And so, one of the most obnoxious Sues in original fiction was saved. Crap.
2 page 114
3 They don’t actually go to Thailand; that’s just an innuendo.
4 Of course, I suppose I’m not one to talk, eh?
Epke on 29 December 2012, 08:15 said:
Does it say why she went through the sex-education? The martial arts, weaponry etc. I get: if they have to fight to survive or fight their way to something… but what purpose does the training in “making love” have? Does (or will) she have to sleep her way to a dictator?
lilyWhite on 29 December 2012, 09:35 said:
A secret academy that teaches people the valuable art of…having sex.
…this book just sounds like a really bad porno. Not only does the main character view Joy as nothing but a sex object, but Joy boasts about her studies in the art of lovemaking.
It…doesn’t quite speak well when the main character is a blatant self-insert who has to have a sexually open and precocious love interest. Although “love” may not be the right word.
LoneWolf on 29 December 2012, 10:57 said:
Hahaha these chapters were priceless.
Brendan Rizzo on 29 December 2012, 12:17 said:
I’m sure it’s just so that Rummel’s Self-Insert can have guilt-free sex with an experienced yet nubile partner who has no reservations.
Pryotra on 29 December 2012, 14:52 said:
The sex training is as stupid as it is useless. While I’m well aware that this is just so Rummel can fantasize about his students, but in world, there is no point to it!
Also, what’s annoy is that the issue with Joy learning all these means of killing at such a young age could have been interesting. It would have shown that Tor’s group wasn’t that much better than the people they were trying to stop, and given Joy some lovely issues with dealing with people that could have been explored as she accustomed herself to having to live a normal life in a time period with very strict ideas about women. That issue alone could have been something interesting about her.
Naturally, we’ll get nothing.
Mingnon on 29 December 2012, 15:09 said:
…Which means that it also describes what he wants out of a girlfriend; a woman who has extensive knowledge of the Kama Sutra and the fine art of the popsicle stand, yet has never been in gasp WUV!! A porn star yet not one of THOSE piece of trash ‘women’.
So to sum it up, Rummel has very, VERY shallow standards with women. I bet he also wants them to be really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really hot or they’re just ugly.
Brendan Rizzo on 29 December 2012, 15:41 said:
I actually think that Joy’s upbringing explains many of her sociopathic tendencies. However, I think this is just a coincidence and not something that Rummel planned, since he is inept as a writer. It’s kind of bizarre how he stumbles upon an interesting idea purely by accident, and then ignores it for the rest of the story.
swenson on 29 December 2012, 18:49 said:
I feel that’s something we’ve seen in other sporks as well. Some writers, every time they so much as approach a good idea, they run away as quickly as possible. Unfortunately.
Pryotra on 29 December 2012, 22:11 said:
Yeah, half of the things that I review has a ‘They Wasted a Perfectly Good Plot’ element to it, and this one is really no different. The idea could be interesting, particularly if we got to see some downsides to mucking around with the space-time continuum.
Naturally, this is all thrown out for fanservice and author appeal.
I wonder if he ever even considered that people would read his book.
Mingnon on 29 December 2012, 22:55 said:
Pryotra – Considering the preaches about love and democracy? He probably WANTED people to read it. ._.
Pryotra on 29 December 2012, 23:14 said:
Honestly, I kind of think that he was just writing something for his friends or something. I can’t honestly think that he would look at this and thing ‘Oh, sure, people will enjoy this!’
Then again…given Marked and Hush Hush…
Mingnon on 29 December 2012, 23:20 said:
Pryotra – At the very least this series doesn’t try to pretend it’s Twilight.
I think.
LoneWolf on 30 December 2012, 11:54 said:
I do think that given Rummel’s political preachiness, he did intend his series to be a propaganda vehicle for his Democratic Peace theory. He is just not very good at it.
Maxie on 10 June 2013, 14:00 said:
So, I’ve noticed that you sometimes use ciphers / codes in your sporks (like “ARIUEFBVNA J AIFEROVDJ JVAFHNV”), and I’ve been trying to decode them for a little bit now. I at first assumed it was ROT-13 but even the online translator couldn’t make heads or tails for me. I know this was from a long time ago, but can I get a hint if you don’t mind? Just something to point me in the right direction.
Tim on 10 June 2013, 16:31 said:
I think it’s just random keyboard bashing.
Pryotra on 10 June 2013, 16:36 said:
It’s angrish.
I sometimes do it too when the story was annoying enough.
Taku on 10 June 2013, 16:37 said:
It’s the linguistic equivalent of a fatal processing error/blue screen of death.
It is also representative of smashing one’s head on the keyboard out of frustration.
Because sometimes something is so bad that you just can’t. And when you can’t, you asdfcvgyujkl.
Maxie on 10 June 2013, 17:31 said:
Thanks, you guys! Oh wow ha ha this is pretty awkward.