Now that the holidays are well and truly over, it is time for more sporkings, so let’s dig into Chapter 12 of War and Democide Never Again.
The very first paragraph is perverse:
Gorgeous Joy was as available to me as some hungry hooker. Tomorrow night would be it, I told myself. After our flight the next day, I would make my move. All I needed to do was say, “Let’s make love.” Just like that. And she would get naked, and I would get naked, and whammo. No more emotional Novocain. I now had been hit with Joy and her mother’s background and we had cried it out. All had been said. So, tomorrow night! (page 129)
John sounds less like a college professor and more like a frat boy who has heard of sex but never experienced it himself. This makes John’s denials that he is obsessed with the topic even more hilarious. When describing his move from Bloomington, Indiana to Tor’s groupies’ base, we get to read the highly amusing Freudian slip of “Silicone Valley”. Oh, Rummel and his misspellings!
When on the plane, John muses about how he will never fly on one again, because he is going back to the very start of the twentieth century. It’s supposed to be emotional, but falls flat because of the boring style of narration. There is also a scene where Joy complains to a flight attendant that John will not let her join the Mile High Club—and then explains to the readers what the Mile High Club is. It’s a shame that you could not see the look on my face when I read that.
At the end of their flight, our “heroes” arrive at a warehouse on Saratoga Avenue, in an unspecified town in Silicon Valley. Or was Rummel unaware that Silicon Valley is not an official region?
Upon their arrival, Tor tells John that they will commence training the next morning. John goes to bed, and complains to himself about the fact that he had been alone with Joy for three whole days, and they have not yet had sex. Oh, boo hoo. With that complaining, the chapter ends.
That chapter was really short, so I’ll spork the next one too. Chapter 13 begins with John aroused. How aroused, you ask? I’ll let John himself answer:
I was as aroused as a teenage boy seeing his first porno movie. I could smell the sex, taste it, feel it. I had to take a fast cold shower just so I could pee. (page 132)
This is most emphatically not the proper decorum that ought to be shown by a college professor. I didn’t think that synaesthesia worked that way. I never want to read anything like that again. Unfortunately, I must, for this book isn’t even halfway through. Rummel, get to the time travel plot already!
Changing the subject, John compares what Tor’s groupies put him through to basic training for the United States Marine Corps. But considering that John is unable to run five miles without stumbling over his own two feet, I think this is an overstatement. John complains about it a lot, but the activities as described do not appear to be that backbreaking, and I say this as somebody who is out of shape. What a wimp.
The only good thing to come from this is that John is too tired to be aroused—but this is negated by the fact that he still feels the need to talk about how sexy Joy is.
Did somebody order a… line break?
Joy, naturally, breezes through the training like it was nothing, since, after all, she has been doing this sort of thing for far longer. I will assume that she only takes the training with John so that she can boss him around and tell him how wimpy he is. That will register on my Sue-dometer, mind. She is also responsible for writing computer programs which she and John will use on their mission. I reiterate, they are traveling back to before computers existed. What use would her fancy programs serve? Furthermore, she also is taught medical knowledge. [In sing-songy voice:] O Sue-dometer…
For martial arts, Joy is John’s sensei. My suspicions are confirmed. John then goes into a paragraph-long spiel about how this situation goes against nature and humanity itself. Well if he views women as sex objects I suppose it’s only natural for him to be more overtly sexist as well. This is the man that Tor’s groupies have trusted to make a better world. I must introduce my face to my palm…
I should now point out that this scene makes both John and Joy look bad. John is revealed as a sexist, and Joy shows even more Sueish behavior. For you see, it takes decades to master one martial art, let alone the several that Joy teaches. Joy is a black belt at 25. And not only has she mastered martial arts, but she’s improved upon them.1
What’s that, Sue-dometer? Timmy’s in a well? You’re sure beeping a lot today…
To prove that she is Asian (even though she has no Japanese blood in her veins) Joy explains to John that gi means “karate uniform”, hakama means “pants”, uwagi means “shirt”, and obi means “belt”. Because surely we could never have figured that out from the context! Oh, whatever would we do without our splendiferous Mary Sues!2
John feels obliged to tell us that Joy is wearing her hair in a “knot” for this training session, and to note that she rarely does this. Rummel, there are four words I wish to say to you: I do not care. What I want is for them to go back in time, after 133 pages of your lollygagging.
This lollygagging is promptly demonstrated by Rummel describing the dimensions of their training room, even though they will only be there for this one scene. I have noticed that Rummel tends to waste description on elements of the story that do not really matter, such as those Very Special Flashback Sequences, for instance.
Joy brags about being able to bend steel rods3 with her bare hands and kick holes in concrete, while at the same time insinuating that John cannot kick his way out of a paper bag. I have heard from a friend who knows martial arts that what Joy has described are just theatrics, that are not as difficult as showmen make them sound. Really advanced martial artists can perform feats of strength that are truly amazing, and which Joy notably lacks. I think she got her black belt from a McDojo. It would explain a lot.
When John questions Joy’s prowess, she promptly threatens him.
…And that’s the sound of my Sue-dometer going off again. I’m getting worried about it; it hasn’t been exposed to such concentrations of Sueishness before.4
The next paragraph is pretty much Joy channeling R. Lee Ermey. He ought to go yell at Rummel for a bit; I don’t think he’d stand for this lack of heroism by the protagonists.
I gaped at her. She was enjoying this, I knew. (page 134)
Even John admits that his object of lust is a total Jerk Sue. Predictably, the very next scene is her being mortified that John doesn’t bow to her correctly. She’s a spoiled little princess!
She gets away with abusing John to levels that would make the main character of Ore no Imouto ga Konna ni Kawaii Wake ga Nai blush.5
What’s that sound I hear?
Crap, that isn’t my Sue-dometer! It’s the smoke alarm! The damn thing caught fire! Curse you, Joy Phim! Curse you!
unleashes fire extinguisher
Well, this scene is mostly Joy berating John, and John saying how sexy Joy is. As if we should expect anything else from Rummel. As a teacher, Joy is mediocre at best. She is not seen to teach John any useful martial arts techniques, and this is only exacerbated by her creation of a hostile learning environment. If this story followed any logic of planet Earth, John would die five minutes into the first fight scene. Overall, it’s simply boring. With that half-assed training montage, the chapter ends.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go rescue a kid who fell down a well, and after that buy a new Sue-dometer. Tallyho!
Footnotes
1 Though to be fair, that could just be her ego talking.
2 With this in mind, I’m surprised that John did not explain earlier that sensei is the Japanese for “teacher”.
3 Heh, “rods”…
4 I turn it off before reading other people’s sporks.
5 And a note to writers: if your female lead is more of a bitch than Kousaka Kirino, then something is seriously wrong.
LoneWolf on 2 January 2013, 04:25 said:
I had expected this book to be a heavy-handed political moralizing about the benefits of neoliberal democracy. While there certainly had already been some moralizing in the Special Flashbacks and Joy’s Groupies Democracy Lecture, so far it reads like soft porn.
Taku on 2 January 2013, 04:56 said:
Actually, 25 isn’t that unbelievable for someone to be a black belt. It depends on which style. For instance, I know someone who is 14, and next year she will be going for her gold sash/level 10 in Wing Chun, which is something like the equivalent of a 5th-dan black belt in karate. I am 24, and I will be going for my level 9 (equiv. 4th-dan) as well.
So it’s not so much about the age. The big problem is the attitude that she;‘s written with, and the way she spouts of various phrases like she’s got something to prove, or like spouting off foreign words is equal to a display of actual skill. Experienced martial artists don’t do that. People who don’t know much/anything about martial arts should not write about characters that do; unless it’s treated as an interesting background and not much more, they will usually end up making simple mistakes that cost them the suspension of disbelief and their readers’ respect.
Brendan Rizzo on 2 January 2013, 12:53 said:
Thanks for the information. I’m not too familiar with martial arts, so I’ll probably miss a lot of opportunities to point out when John and Joy make mistakes that would get themselves killed in real life.
Taku on 2 January 2013, 15:07 said:
Don’t worry, I’ll be happy to point them out in the comments. :D
lilyWhite on 2 January 2013, 15:35 said:
This chapter (and the…sex academy tidbit from the previous chapter) come off as being part of a much different story. At least before the story was about something, even if it was poorly thought-out and extremely dull. Now, the story comes across as a really bad porno.
Because if you know what four words are in an Asian language, you’re definitely an Asian!
Be right back, I’m going to become an Asian by learning four words to describe this book. And none of them are flattering.
Pryotra on 2 January 2013, 16:24 said:
John, I did not want to know that.
I to would like to know what they’re going to do with those programs. Maybe they’ll flaunt them around, and the police will assume their spies or something. And they can get shot.
I can swear, say thank you, and wish you a good day in Japanese. Unfortunately, I still look like a white chick. What’s up with that?
Brendan Rizzo on 2 January 2013, 17:22 said:
Joy isn’t even the right kind of Asian. She is Chinese and Vietnamese, and Rummel seems to think that this should make her speak Japanese too. It would be like expecting someone who is French to also know Finnish.
Taku on 2 January 2013, 18:14 said:
Again in defence of Joy (I really gotta stop doing this, it might become a habit!) it is fairly standard for a student of martial arts (especially karate) to learn the Japanese names for a lot of the art-specific words and technical terms used within the style. In my style of martial art, we learn the Cantonese names for all our techniques, as well as counting to ten.
So it’s not terribly uncommon for someone like Joy to know all the words, especially if she was trained by a Mystic McDojo and thinks technical terminology counts as a special skill.
I know I said above that “experienced martial artists don’t do that”, but what I meant was they don’t show off as though knowing the traditional words is anything special.
The really silly bit that I object to is a Chinese-Vietnamese person being trained in primarily Japanese fighting styles. What happened to Kung Fu, Tai Chi, Shuai Jiao, or Sanshou? Where are Nhat-Nam, Viet Vo Dao, and other traditional Vietnamese and Indochinese martial arts?
More to the point, if she is teaching John to be a military-style vigilante assassin, why would she begin with one of the least effective martial arts available? Skip the karate and go straight for the US Marine Corps system, or the Israeli Defence Force system (Krav Maga), or the Russian military system (Sambo).
swenson on 2 January 2013, 18:19 said:
THIS. FOREVER.
This does bug me about the training stuff here. He’s learning this flashy stuff in these rather stylized styles as opposed to learning something used by real militaries. Not that you can’t hurt somebody with karate, but a lot of the older martial arts have an increased focus on traditions and whatnot, not going out and killing people. Especially considering that the time to train John appears to be limited (although seeing as this is time travel, I guess they DO have all the time in the world…), you’d think they’d focus on something more directly about “killing the other dude” than anything else.
ALSO STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW YOU WANT TO BANG JOY. I GOT THE PICTURE TEN CHAPTERS AGO. I DO NOT NEED IT DRAWN FOR ME AGAIN. EVER.
Lone Wolf on 2 January 2013, 21:33 said:
Subjecting the world to series like “War and Democide”: Never Again!
Master Chief on 3 January 2013, 01:47 said:
Bang the girl already and STFU about it
Master Chief on 3 January 2013, 01:48 said:
oh, and @lone wolf I don’t know how you can make a pun like that and sleep at night
Fireshark on 3 January 2013, 02:22 said:
Considering the main character is such an obvious stand-in for Rummel, he really should have avoided all the horny narration. Ugh.
Lone Wolf on 3 January 2013, 02:30 said:
Rummel was certainly very… obliging in revealing his sexual fantasies for the whole world.
Mingnon on 3 January 2013, 02:53 said:
I have figured out one of the story’s primary conflicts; John has to get Joy to swallow his… I mean HER pride!
Proceeds to bash face on piano keys
Fireshark on 3 January 2013, 04:03 said:
I’m reading ahead in the .pdf, and Joy only gets worse. Full-on Jerk Sue.
Epke on 3 January 2013, 15:20 said:
“And it would be totally awesome! ‘Cause, you know, I’d put my… thing… in her… thing… and and it’ll be awesome! So awesome!”
Seriously? “Whammo”? SMeyer may never have gotten past her high school years, but Rummel is stuck in a college frat boy mindset (who’s also a virgin and secretly wondering if he’s gay, considering how much emphasis he puts on how much he and Joy wants to do each other and how easy that would be). I bet instead of reading his students’ papers, John made BOOB appear on the calculator and giggling hysterically.
Agh, my eyes! Keep your boner in your pants, John! Though seriously, if you can’t even pee because of an erection that won’t subside, you might want to visit a doctor.
You’ve made me curious: what exercises are they doing?
Uhm, wouldn’t it serve their mission better if they taught John, I don’t know, some basic self-defence where you utilise grappling, throws and the opponent’s weight against them? There are some moves that are scarily efficient in taking down an opponent with little effort that are a lot easier to master than katas or the pushing kick. I don’t think he’ll have much use of a round-house kick here. Already mentioned by Taku, Krav Maga, Systema, Sambo, basic aikido and judo would serve John better than karate (while as good a style as any, it takes time to become proficient)… basic grappling and chokeholds are his best friend now.
Wouldn’t that be awesome? I think any American official would peg Joy and John for KGB if they showed up with their flashy stuff (computers, money, likely modern guns) and they’d spend the rest of their lives in confinement.
Brendan Rizzo on 3 January 2013, 18:36 said:
Oh, just basic stuff, like running laps and other aerobics.
Epke on 4 January 2013, 10:59 said:
That’s it? That’s the training he goes through? He complains about running and aerobic exercises (and tries to pass it off as Marine Corps training)? “Wimp” is the word, indeed.
swenson on 4 January 2013, 11:47 said:
Okay, even I wouldn’t complain too much about running laps and some aerobics. Sure, it might get me tired, but it’s not, like, eight hundred chin-ups and weightlifting a thousand pounds or anything.
Fireshark on 4 January 2013, 11:57 said:
It does say they went for a five mile run. I don’t know how well the average person would do that, but my asthma would get me after the first mile or so, so that does sound strenuous to me.
swenson on 4 January 2013, 13:03 said:
Hmm. Okay, that might be more strenuous than a few laps, yes. Still not even remotely near USMC training levels, but I suppose it’s not something you would expect the average person to just be able to do with no problem. Or at least I wouldn’t