Hello, people of ImpishIdea! I’m Forest Purple, I showed up a while ago in the forums and rambled, I have a weakness for purple prose, I write fantasy, I’ve been lurking for a while, and I’ve finally gotten around to the sporking I’ve been meaning to do for a long time. This is the first time I’ve ever sporked a novel, so I’ll be enlisting a bit of help from Taffy the annoying technical expert.
T: Hi guys.
F: Our respective comments will have an F or T in front of them.
Now, on to the actual book! It’s published by Colleen Houck, whose website can be found here if you want to take a look around. Tiger’s Curse is her debut novel, and to be truthful, it’s probably one of the worst books I’ve ever read, though not quite on level with classics like the Inheritance Cycle. She pretty much states outright that the protagonist is a self-insert, and seems to think her series is comparable with success stories like that of J.K. Rowling and SMeyer (an unfortunate success, but a success all the same). Hello, arrogance! It’s been a while.
T: Not long enough.
F: If you poke around, you can also find a book trailer, which actually has okay animation and looks semi-interesting, if you ignore the cheesy storyline and the awful font. Also, I’m pretty sure the saying “don’t judge a book by its cover” was invented and sent back in time to combat the rise of Tiger’s Curse, because a lot of success is probably due to that thing:
F: What we’ve got here is your average teenage girl who fights to get the opportunity of a lifetime— wait, no, sorry, wrong book. What we’ve got here is a speshul Mary Sue who gets chosen by destiny/an Indian businessman to travel to India and take care of a circus tiger SPOILERS that’s not actually a tiger, but a hot 300-year-old Indian prince. Only Mary Sue can possibly break the curse that traps him in tiger form, of course, or I’m sure they would find someone else.
T: The main problems are the characters, the plot, the non-intentional racism, the love triangle, the conflict, and pretty much everything else that really matters in a story. The narrator seems to alternate between a petty little twelve-year-old and a fifty-year-old who’s concerned about her diet. But the writing itself is readable, if you really want to. I’d advise against it.
F: On the back cover there’s a review from Becca Fitzpatrick, author of the infamous stalker and serial killer novel disguised as a love story, Hush, Hush. Also included is a cheesy, horribly dramatic and tiny excerpt from the book, if you want to take a look:
I was dying. I knew it. At least the pain was gone. I wanted to tell him that I loved him. Then darkness overtook me …
F: I feel absolutely no emotion reading that. Nothing. Nada. Ix-nay.
T: Seeing as darling Kelsey is the main character and first-person narrator, the chances of her dying in this glamorized wish-fulfillment novel are —10.3% And here’s the inner jacket description.
The last thing Kelsey Hayes thought she’d be doing this summer was trying to break a 300-year-old Indian curse.
With a mysterious white tiger named Ren.
Halfway around the world.
But that’s exactly what happened. Face-to-face with dark forces, spell- binding magic, and mystical worlds where nothing is what it seems, Kelsey risks everything to piece together an ancient prophecy that could break the curse forever. Tiger’s Curse is the exciting first volume in an epic fantasy-romance that will leave you breathless and yearning for more.
F: Or breathless and attempting to suffocate yourself.
T: Please, don’t touch fantasy. Anything but fantasy. It’s still recovering from Paolini.
F: I guess I see how this could appeal to some people, but the melodrama … it burns …
T: Colleen also included a poem before her prologue: it’s The Tiger by William Blake, thankfully, and not some concoction of Colleen (you’ll get a taste of her poetry later, don’t worry). It’s a good poem. At least it has some connection to the novel. I don’t really have any complaints here.
F: Let’s enjoy the feeling while it lasts.
Pryotra on 10 February 2013, 16:03 said:
Ah, yes, this book. With the Indian guy with the Chinese name.
And the recommendation by…that woman.
You know, that cover’s not too bad, since it does have something to do with the plot, but it feels pretty cheesy. I mean, what’s wrong with a cover that gives some insight into what happens?
Oh, and I hate the word ‘yearning’. Maybe it’s because I’ve read so many bad fanfics, but I’ve really seen that word abused.
lilyWhite on 10 February 2013, 16:30 said:
Cue immensely-“do not want” sound from my mouth.
Brendan Rizzo on 10 February 2013, 16:50 said:
Hi! Welcome to ImpishIdea. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one here who is doing a spork for the first time.
Oh, crap. It’s worse than I thought. And since I knew this was going to be horrible as soon as you mentioned the prince-turned-into-a-tiger, that is not a good sign.
As for the jacket description, isn’t it true that the publisher, not the author, supplies those? In that case, doesn’t that mean that somebody actually liked this story? I am dreading this.
When I heard the character’s name, I started thinking that he would come to a small town and convince them to rescind their ban on dancing. Because that’s what I associate with the name “Ren”.
swenson on 10 February 2013, 17:07 said:
Continuing the trend of terrible books with rather pretty covers…
This sounds somewhat interesting! Yay for new sporks. :D
go.a on 10 February 2013, 17:30 said:
Of course there has to be a DEEP and MEANINGFUL poem at the start. This stupid shit is practically a staple of dumb YA books nowadays.
Which reminds me, isn’t The Tiger by William Blake about the devil/evil? Wtf is it doing here? Is the prince actually evil?
Juracan on 10 February 2013, 18:18 said:
Oh, hurrah! I was rather wondering about this book, because I had figured it was a crappy teen paranormal romance by the description, but I hadn’t really heard that much about it.
So I’m really glad someone’s covering it.
I think it’s supposed to be not necessarily about evil, but about the darker or more dangerous aspects of the world that God made and we have to deal with. Or something. I think most people who quote it, though, are just using it to sound badass.
Which admittedly works a lot of the time…
lilyWhite on 10 February 2013, 18:35 said:
So basically, we can expect a “dark and dangerous” love interest.
…I suppose that’s another thing I can be thankful for with Modelland…
Apep on 10 February 2013, 18:51 said:
Now there’s a question: is it better to have A) a love interest who’s supposed to be “dangerous” but isn’t (at least, not in the way intended) (see: Edward Cullen, Christian Grey, etc.), or B) one who isn’t supposed to be “dangerous” but is (see: Jace Wayland)?
I’m tempted to go with “C) None of the above.”
Forest Purple on 10 February 2013, 19:52 said:
Actually, his full name is “Dhiren”, but not a single person in the series actually calls him that.
Oculus_Reparo on 10 February 2013, 21:19 said:
Is it as full of sentence fragments as the jacket description? Because that. Is a pet peeve. Of mine.
swenson on 10 February 2013, 22:03 said:
@Apep – D) Someone who is supposed to be dangerous and actually is or E) someone who isn’t supposed to be dangerous and isn’t. I’d take either, to be honest.
Apep on 10 February 2013, 23:18 said:
Would you really want D as a love interest?
Blue Eyed Boy on 10 February 2013, 23:45 said:
Apep andswenson, am I the only one that thinks that a D love interest sounds hilarious? Imagine dating a werewolf thinking: “Oh, s/he’s so dangerous,” only to discover that he turns into a harmless, fluffy kitten every full moon.The premise doesn’t sound all that bad. If it wasn’t a romance (YA or otherwise) I wouldn’t actually mind reading it. The trend of teen romances with dangerous (immortal?) men hasn’t gotten stale to me. I was used to that sort of thing in Harlequin romances, but I guess that sort of thing eventually trickles down.
Anyone else ever miss those teen romances featuring Normal Girl meeting Normal Guy and every interaction between them is awkward and adorable? As opposed to uncomfortable and filled to the brim with unnecessary, and often badly written, sexual tension.
swenson on 11 February 2013, 01:32 said:
@Apep – no, not really. But if you knew what you were getting into and were dangerous enough yourself to deal with it, it’d be better than either A or B.
Actually, I want to think about that. If somebody wimpy like me ended up in a relationship with a dangerous guy who I knew was dangerous, I’d be realistically labelled self-destructive and possibly masochistic. But if I was a dangerous person myself, would such a relationship be okay? Obviously none of us like B, because that’s creepy stalker, and most A’s are pretty obnoxious stalkers as well.
Flurrin on 11 February 2013, 02:48 said:
Thank you for starting this. God bless you.
I read this book because I love tigers, but the character began screaming Sue to me on the very first page. And then I read the second book because I was looking for something to make fun of, but it was so earnestly bad that it made me feel more sad than anything.
Teens are reading this. Teen choices are being influenced by this. What’s wrong with literature these days? I find better stuff online than inside my local library!
Blue Eyed Boy on 11 February 2013, 04:54 said:
Ah, and I see my reading comprehension fails me. I thought D was someone who was supposed to be dangerous, but isn’t. Though, that is a good point. If you’re dangerous, too (you both are vampires) the idea of that love interest isn’t suicidal. Seems pretty normal. Then again, that could be even worse (a mutually abusive couple or a murderous duo).
lilyWhite on 11 February 2013, 08:31 said:
Maybe I should write a story about werekitties… =^_^=
Pryotra on 11 February 2013, 10:43 said:
Because actually calling an Indian guy by his two syllable name is hard. And sounds non-Western.
Also, the first article that turned up under that name happened to be about a terrorist in the UK. I’m not going to envision this guy as a Terrorist Tiger.
ScarletSpecter on 11 February 2013, 13:36 said:
Ah, I think I saw the sequel to this book at Barns and Noble once. The covers really are gorgeous and eye-catching…too bad that’s probably the only redeeming quality of YA books nowadays.
Anyway, I actually wouldn’t mind a D love interest in a story; granted its realistic. But, in order for it to be realistic, authors would first have to acknowledge that these guys aren’t exactly tween boyfriend material. Because when “bad boys” take a wimpy doormat as a girlfriend, my mind doesn’t go “How Romantic!!!”. I immediately get the feeling that he just wants to control her… which is probably the appeal.
But, why can’t we have more dangerous heroines to even the playing field? I find that far more intriguing than an unequal, fetishized pairing. Plus why do do so many authors think “dangerous” always has to equal “pyscho, manipulative douchebag”?
Apep on 11 February 2013, 17:26 said:
Could we maybe define “dangerous” in terms of romantic interests? Are we talking “James Bond” or “Convicted Felon”?
Chipmunk on 17 October 2013, 21:01 said:
Like “Tiger Tiger burning bright in the forest of the night”?
I admit my only experience with this poem is through Calvin and Hobbes which makes me not want to take this seriously.
I checked the pdf sample the author has available, so nevermind about my question. But now I want to know why she included the entire poem?
Thankfully books like that still exist. Unfortunately they are overshadowed by books like this one.
Brock on 3 April 2014, 12:03 said:
You gotta admit that the book covers (of 4 books now, apparently) do look quite good.
Pretty cool–I’d pick them up, but the ‘prince-turned-into-tiger’ thing will make me backpedal so fast there’ll be track marks on the floor.