Hey everyone (SlyShy speaking), for this installment of EWW:Twilight we have a new team member, Kitty, bringing our team up to the MST3000 standard number of three. Of course, we aren’t very faithful to MST with the EWWs, but if you are interested in some stylistically faithful sporks, then you might be interested in Kitty’s site MST Dungeon. Enjoy chapters 11 and 12.

11. Complications

I noticed that he no longer angled the chair to sit as far from me as the desk would allow. (p.112)

LS— Aww, cute.
K— He’s warming right up to her. Wait, he can’t. He is marble.

LS— I bet you’d like to reach over and stroke something else, too, wouldn’t you Bella?

A crazy impulse to reach over and touch him, to stroke his perfect face just once in the darkness, nearly overwhelmed me. (p.112)

LS— Cream Count: 68

I was losing my mind. (p.112)

LS— How can you lose something that was already gone?
K— I like that he makes her crazy.
SS— Well, that was a given.

I realized his posture was identical to mine (p.112)

LS— Perfectly erect?

somewhere in his body never slackened. (p.112)

LS— If this last for over 4 hours, you need to call a doctor.

The overpowering craving to touch him also refused to fade (p.113)

LS— You know, There is a group called Sex Addicts Anonymous that may be able to help you out with this.

his eyes somehow managing to smolder (p.112)

LS— Yeah… About that… You might want to go see a opthamologist. Cream Count: 69
SS— His eyes are like little chunks of coal. True story.

I looked away before I could start hyperventilating. (p.112)

LS— Cream Count: 70
K— Hyperventilating. Really? Really, Bella? Really?

It was absolutely ridiculous (p.112)

LS— This book is absolutely ridiculous.

“Well, that was interesting,” he murmured. His voice was dark and his eyes were cautious.
“Umm,” was all I was able to respond. (p.113)

LS— How can his voice be “dark”? Also, Bella is smooth.
K— She’s got style, she’s got grace…
SS— Now that I think of it, Kristen Stewart portrayed Bella pretty faithfully. As in, she sometimes forgot her lines too.

LS— Really? It is getting that rough?

I stood with care, worried my balance might have been affected by the strange new intensity between us. (p.113)

LS— Balance Fail: 25
SS— What, is his love like an earthquake or something?

so fiercely beautiful that the ache to touch him flared as strong as before. (p.113)

LS— Cream Count: 71
K— “Let me grope you! You’re so pretty!”
SS— That’s the kind of plea that lands you in jail.

His skin was as icy as ever, but the trail his fingers left on my skin was alarmingly warm — like I’d been burned, but didn’t feel the pain of it yet. (p.113)

LS— What the hell does he have on his fingers?
K— Maybe hot sauce…?
SS— An IcyHot patch, maybe.

I walked into the gym, lightheaded and wobbly. I drifted to the locker room, changing in a trancelike state, only vaguely aware that there were other people surrounding me. (p.113)

LS— It seems like you are always in this “trancelike state.”
SS— She probably uses “recreational substances.” Like, apparently, Edward’s skin.

Reality didn’t fully set in until I was handed a racket. (p.113)

LS— Sorry to say, Bella, but I don’t think reality will ever set in for you. Because if it did you would notice that Edward treats you like a dog.

It wasn’t heavy, yet it felt very unsafe in my hand. (p.113)

LS— Balance Fail: 26

“Thanks, Mike — you don’t have to do this, you know.” I grimaced apologetically.
“Don’t worry, I’ll keep out of your way.” He grinned. Sometimes it was so easy to like Mike. (p.113)

LS— You know, he acts like this 100% of the time. And you still always treat him like dirt.
K— Poor guy.
SS— It’s okay, Mike deserves better than Bella anyways. He also deserves better than her friends, but whatever.

I somehow managed to hit myself in the head with my racket and clip Mike’s shoulder on the same swing. (p.113)

LS— I just noticed that SM never even tells us what game they are playing… Balance Fail: 27
K— It’s so endearing. I kind of want to hurl.
SS— Maybe I just have a poor imagination, but for the life of me I can’t figure out how she did that. I’m sitting here holding a racket in my hand trying to figure it out.

I dressed quickly, something stronger than butterflies battering recklessly against the walls of my stomach (p.114)

LS— This sounds pretty horrible taken out of context. It seems like Bella got knocked up in the first book, instead of the fourth.

Despite being handicapped by me, Mike was pretty good (p.113)

LS— Uh… You said you clipped him, that is hardly “being handicapped.”
SS— In The Twilight Zone (as Forks will now be known) a bruise counts as a disability, and you can use handicap parking whenever you have a headache.

his tone rebellious (p.113)

LS— How can his tone be rebellious?
SS— It’s trying to escape.

my argument with Mike already a distant memory. (p.114)

LS— There was no argument with Mike. All he said was that he didn’t like that she was going out with Edward, and she basically said “oh well.” That is not an argument.
SS— She wishes she had the thinking-on-her-feet skills to argue. Sigh.

What if his family was there? I felt a wave of real terror. Did they know that I knew? Was I supposed to know that they knew that I knew, or not? (p.114)

LS— Is it just me, or was that concentrated stupid boiling out of her mouth?
K— I know you know I know you know I know you know. It’s all very clear to me now.
SS— I’d be more worried about not getting eaten if I were you Bella. Or if this book was at all a real vampire novel with real live vampires.

LS— That is a new level of premature ejaculation.

his breathtaking face untroubled now. As I walked to his side, I felt a peculiar sense of release. (p.114)

LS— Cream Count: 72 (Literally?)

His answering smile was brilliant. (p.114)
His eyes burned with sincerity for a protracted moment — playing havoc with the rhythm of my heart — and then turned playful. (p.115)

LS— Cream Count: 74
SS— I’m sitting here praying you have cardiac arrest, hun.

“Um, it doesn’t help with the Charlie situation if an unexplained Volvo is left in the driveway.”
His smile was condescending now. “I wasn’t intending to bring a car.”
“How —”
He cut me off. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll be there, no car.” (p.115)

LS— Another look at Edward’s amazing personality.
K— I think he’s kind of a dick.
SS— The Charlie Situation sounds like they have a secret son named Charlie that they are hiding from the world.

“Is it later yet?” I asked significantly. (p.115)

LS— Two things. First, that is a ridiculous question. Second, please, SM, do not tell us that something is significant. And how do you even do something “significantly”?

Flickers of the electricity I’d felt this afternoon began to charge the atmosphere (p.116)

LS— Oh, god, is this going to turn into a superhero book? Is she getting super powers? Welcome to the awkward and poorly written adventures of Electro-Girl and Sparkle-Boy.
K— “Look out, villains, I’ve got razzle dazzle!

It wasn’t until my head started to swim that I realized I wasn’t breathing. (p.116)

LS— And by “a lot” I mean: Every fucking chapter.

LS— … Maybe she should see a doctor, this seems to happen a lot.

He smiled wider, flashing his gleaming teeth. (p. 116)

LS— Cream Count: 75

That night Edward starred in my dreams, as usual. (p.116)

LS— Literal Cream Count?

How ghastly it would be, I thought, shuddering, if Charlie had even the slightest inkling of exactly what I did like. (p.117)

LS— Would that be because he is a hundred-year-old sparkling vampire, or because he is a very creepy, controlling stalker?
SS— Lying to your parents: it’s a-okay!

perfect and beautiful to an excruciating degree. (p.117)

LS— Oh, perfect and beautiful. Cream Count: 77
K— It pains her to be around him. AHAHAHA — I don’t wanna do this anymore. Must…continue…
SS— This book is imperfect and ugly to an excruciating degree. I’m losing the will to live.

I couldn’t imagine anything about me that could be in any way interesting to him. (p.117)

LS— Would you like some cheese with that whine? (Yeah, I got that from my 1st grade teacher.)
SS— Well, she isn’t the only one who can’t. I wouldn’t even be friends with her.

I realized I’d never removed the CD Phil had given me. When I said the name of the band, he smiled crookedly, a peculiar expression in his eyes. (p.118)

LS— I like how SM didn’t even take the time to think of a band.
SS— The band’s name was Bella You Sure Are a Snob, which is why he smiled.

It continued like that for the rest of the day. While he walked me to English, when he met me after Spanish, all through the lunch hour, he questioned me relentlessly about every insignificant detail of my existence. (p.118)

LS— I believe this would qualify as stalker behavior.
K— “What’s your favorite color? Hm? Hm?
SS— Does Bella even have a favorite color? Besides smoldering Edward Cullen’s eye, which is a shade of gold?
LS— Actually, she does say her favorite color is whatever color his eyes are.

“Tell me,” he finally commanded after persuasion failed — failed only because I kept my eyes safely away from his face. (p.118)

LS— Aww, it’s just so cute every time he commands her to do things.
SS— Make me a sandwich.

As soon as the room was dark, there was the same electric spark, the same restless craving to stretch my hand across the short space and touch his cold skin, as yesterday. (p.119)

LS— Necrophilia for the win?
SS— Premarital sex for the win?

this time with the back of his cool hand, stroking once from my temple to my jaw — before he turned and walked away. (p.119)

LS— Out of context it looks like Edward just kept his pimp hand strong all over Bella’s face.

Gym passed quickly as I watched Mike’s one-man badminton show. He didn’t speak to me today, either in response to my vacant expression or because he was still angry about our squabble yesterday. Somewhere, in a corner of my mind, I felt bad about that. But I couldn’t concentrate on him. (p.119)

LS— Is that what you need to tell yourself at night so you never figure out you are a horrible person?
K— Isn’t it always the way? The nice guys get screwed over while the hot, controlling guys get screwed…?
SS— It is, isn’t it? Mike, do yourself a favor and find a different girl. One who isn’t just using you for your badminton skills.

The pressure made me more clumsy than usual (p.119)

LS— Balance Fail: 28
K— How does she leave the house?
SS— I imagine she walks around in a large plastic bubble. That way nothing dangerous can happen to her.

eventually I made it out the door, feeling the same release when I saw him standing there, a wide smile automatically spreading across my face. (p.119)

LS— Wow, you really have a problem with that. They may have made a pill to help you.

12. Balancing

“And, of course, Jacob was anxious to see Bella again,” he added. Jacob scowled and ducked his head while I fought back a surge of remorse. Maybe I’d been too convincing on the beach. (p.122)

LS— Really? You’re actually regretting playing with a kid’s emotions?
SS— Bella, you manipulator…

I stayed in the front room after I carried the food out to Charlie, pretending to watch the game while Jacob chattered at me. (p.123)

K— Chattered at instead of chattered with. Awww.
SS— Stop talking at me! It’s really annoying.

I was really listening to the men’s conversation, watching for any sign that Billy was about to rat me out, trying to think of ways to stop him if he began. (p.123)

LS— Ah, back to the old Bella. No more remorse here, back to ignoring your “friends”.
K— Bella is mean :c

you said you were friends with the Newton kid. (p.123)

LS— “Friends” is not the right word for it. He is in love with her, while she tries to forget he exists. What would that be called?
K— Umm…a symbiotic relationship?
SS— Hmm, seems like a reverse-symbiotic relation, sort of.

“Dad!” I groaned. “He’s kind of dating my friend Jessica. Besides, you know I can’t dance.” (p.124)

LS— Another friend statement? (See above, it is the same situation.)
SS— “Dad! I didn’t sleep with that one, just all the other ones.”

I hurried so I would be ready to go the second Charlie left. I had my bag ready, shoes on, teeth brushed, but even though I rushed to the door as soon as I was sure Charlie would be out of sight, Edward was faster. He was waiting in his shiny car, windows down, engine off. (p.124)

LS— Ok, even if Edward may have super speed, his car doesn’t. It cannot teleport.
SS— It’s a sparkley car, so it can do everything Edward can. I’m beginning to think being a vampire has nothing to do with his strength. It’s just that he wears sparkles. I’m going to go be super strong now, by walking around covered in sparkle dust. Masculinity win?

He grinned his crooked smile at me, stopping my breath and my heart. I couldn’t imagine how an angel could be any more glorious. There was nothing about him that could be improved upon. […] I wondered if he had any idea how appealing his voice was. (p.124)

LS— Eww! My eyes were just covered in cream! Cream Count: 80
K— That’s astounding. Really. Just the amount of adjectives devoted to this guy…
SS— She has survived about 70 heart attacks now. Is there anything Mary Sue can’t do?

“So you never met anyone you wanted?” he asked in a serious tone that made me wonder what he was
thinking about.
I was grudgingly honest. “Not in Phoenix.” (p.124)

LS— No one was good enough for her, duh.
SS— “Not on Earth,” I said with grudging honestly.

His anger was much more impressive than mine. (p.125)

LS— By “anger” they mean “penis.” Otherwise this makes no sense. Although that would mean Bella is a man… And that Edward is gay. Well, the last part is understandable.

their beautiful, bronze-haired brother sat across from me, his golden eyes troubled. (p.126)

LS— Cream Count: 81
K— Look, he’s pretty.

Alice — her short, inky hair in a halo of spiky disarray around her exquisite, elfin face (p.127)

LS— She has an “elfin” face? What does that even mean in a story with no elves?
K— Wtf. Brain broke.
SS— Boy, the way she gets described it sounds like Edward should be infinitely more interested in Alice.

LS— Ooh, does Bella swing both ways? That would certainly make this story more interesting.

“Edward,” she answered, her high soprano voice almost as attractive as his. (p.127)

LS— Cream Count: 81

“Hello, Bella.” Her brilliant obsidian eyes were unreadable, but her smile was friendly. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

LS— Huh, maybe I should start a Cream Count for Alice.
SS— Is this why there are male Twihards?

“Don’t fall in,” he mocked. (p.127)

LS— Balance Fail: 29

My natural urge was to tell him to butt out. Instead, I lied brightly. (p.128)

LS— Oh, look, more lies. What a surprise.
SS— Not only that, she is able to enjoy lying now.

“Edward,” I emphasized, (p.128)

K— Look at all these other words for “said”. Smeyer must have really gotten cracking with the thesaurus.

“is not going to help me study. He’s gone away somewhere for the weekend.” The lies came more naturally than usual, I noted with surprise. (p.128)

LS— You were surprised that lying came naturally? You do that all the time.

Besides, since I’d come to Forks, it really seemed like my life was about him. (p.129)

LS— And this is the sad message that Twilight gives to it’s young teenage girl readers. “When you grow up, make sure your entire life revolves around your man.”
K— She even admits her life is about Edward? I am sad now.

I did something I’d never done before. I deliberately took unnecessary cold medicine — the kind that knocked me out for a good eight hours. I normally wouldn’t condone that type of behavior in myself, but tomorrow would be complicated enough without me being loopy from sleep deprivation on top of everything else. (p.129)

LS— That ended up sounding like a Viagra commercial…

LS— Oh great… Hey kids! If you fall in love, take drugs to make sure you are at the top of your game when you are with that special someone!

“What’s wrong?” I glanced down to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything important, like shoes, or pants. (p.130)

LS— Oh, I’m sure you would enjoy “forgetting” your pants around him.

why did he have to look like a runway model when I couldn’t? (p.130)

LS— Cream Count: 82
K— Because he’s pretty!
SS— We know who wears the pants in this relationship. Bella does. Literally.

I could hear a smile in his voice (p.131)

LS— … Whatever you say, Bella.

I tried to make the lie sound confident (p.131)

LS— Seriously… She is like a lie machine.

Five miles of treacherous roots and loose stones, trying to twist my ankles or otherwise incapacitate me. This was going to be humiliating. (p.131)

LS— Oh, Bella. Everything about you is already humiliating. Balance Fail: 30

I lied again. (p.131)

LS— Is everything that comes out of her mouth a lie or a compliment to Edward?
K— It seems so…

“That’s very helpful, Bella,” he snapped.
I pretended I didn’t hear that. (p.131)

LS— What a healthy relationship. This kind of thing seems to happen a lot.
SS— “This is very well written, Stephanie,” I snapped. She pretended she didn’t hear that.

His white shirt was sleeveless, and he wore it unbuttoned, so that the smooth white skin of his throat flowed uninterrupted over the marble contours of his chest, his perfect musculature no longer merely hinted at behind concealing clothes. He was too perfect, I realized with a piercing stab of despair. There was no way this godlike creature could be meant for me. (p.132)

LS— Oh. My. God. I think I’m about to vomit. Cream Count: 86
K— Astounding! We should pick apart Smeyer’s mind to see exactly what makes her think this is a good idea outside of a harlequin romance. … Hang on, she used “flowed”. BAHAHAHA.

I tried to keep my eyes away from his perfection as much as possible, but I slipped often. Each time, his beauty pierced me through with sadness. (p.133)

LS— Come on, when will it end? Cream Count: 88
SS— Usually when someone looks at you, they pierce you with their gaze, but here it is the other way around. You look at them, and they pierce you with their body, I guess.

Tagged as:


  1. Snow White Queen on 30 December 2008, 23:47 said:

    Oh god. Kitty has joined the bandwagon! I can now die happy.


    Great dissection, as usual. I have completely forgotten how ridiculous this book is, and I think I even read it twice.

  2. Snow White Queen on 30 December 2008, 23:49 said:

    Oh, and on the right side of the screen, at least in mine, it seems like there’s more writing, or something, but it doesn’t show up with everything else.

    Glitch, perhaps?

  3. SlyShy on 30 December 2008, 23:51 said:

    No, we put the more inappropriate comments off to the side. In the future it’ll be possible to hide those, so users who are offended by mature content don’t have to see it.

  4. Lord Snow on 30 December 2008, 23:58 said:

    I just noticed I made all of the inappropriate comments. :P

  5. Spanman on 31 December 2008, 00:01 said:

    I have the vague idea in the back of my head that Edward looks like a glamorous magnet.

  6. Addie on 31 December 2008, 00:19 said:

    Another funny read. ;) Kudos to you guys for making it this far. Edward’s descriptions … they just go on and on …

    … and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and and and and ….

    Yikes. The price of adjectives has skydived.

  7. Snow White Queen on 31 December 2008, 00:39 said:

    @ Lord Snow:

    Yeah, it’s cut off for me, so I can’t read the whole thing. :(

  8. Yama-Tsu on 31 December 2008, 00:44 said:

    Oh, the offside ones are inappropiate comments? I thought they were just annotations… on annotations… never mind.

    The EWWs are living up to their name well.

  9. SlyShy on 31 December 2008, 00:47 said:

    Maybe I should explain that in the introduction. I think I’ll do that now.

  10. Kevin on 31 December 2008, 02:52 said:

    Huzzah! Been waiting for this!

    Kitty’s site set off my mcafee site advisor, oddly enough. It tested red, though I leapt away from the site in horror too fast to read the reason.

  11. Kitty on 31 December 2008, 03:15 said:

    Yeah, I had the google robot come verify that I wasn’t evil…

    honestly it’s like the internet doesn’t trust me

  12. MegaB on 31 December 2008, 07:46 said:

    Kitty….That was SO funny!

    “His skin was as icy as ever, but the trail his fingers left on my skin was alarmingly warm — like I’d been burned, but didn’t feel the pain of it yet.” (p.113)

    LS— What the hell does he have on his fingers?
    K— Maybe hot sauce…?
    SS— An IcyHot patch, maybe.

    Keep this coming please! It’s like my daily comedy show!

  13. Lucywannabe on 31 December 2008, 09:03 said:

    Brillaint as always, and wonderful to see Kitty get in the game! I really don’t know how you guys are able to read this—it took me forever because of how bad the book was (and much of nothing was happening).

  14. Gildor on 31 December 2008, 11:33 said:


    Still, you got one ‘Cream-Count’ wrong:

    their beautiful, bronze-haired brother sat across from me, his golden eyes troubled. (p.126)

    LS— Cream Count: 81 <———
    K— Look, he’s pretty.


    “Edward,” she answered, her high soprano voice almost as attractive as his. (p.127)

    LS— Cream Count: 81 <———

    Twice you mention 81.

  15. SlyShy on 31 December 2008, 12:09 said:

    Gildor, that was actually because we thought some of them were only “half-creams” so we only moved it up one per two of them. It’s a bit confusing to see, to be sure.

  16. Gildor on 31 December 2008, 12:18 said:

    I see….

    I stand corrected. =)

  17. Kevin on 31 December 2008, 13:44 said:

    You could post the cream algorithm so we could do the math ourselves. Unless it’s a trade secret.

  18. Corsair on 31 December 2008, 13:46 said:

    Well, there can be no doubt this’ll break 100 creams. I’m betting 150.

  19. SlyShy on 31 December 2008, 13:48 said:

    The formula is no great secret, I’ll post it here:

  20. Kevin on 31 December 2008, 15:47 said:

    Ah, simple enough. That clears it right up.

  21. MegaB on 31 December 2008, 15:58 said:

    Erm, Sly that’s just an exponential expansion…

    Funnily enough, that’s the exact example given in my maths textbook from college last year…

  22. SlyShy on 31 December 2008, 16:06 said:

    Yeah, I noticed. (Math major here. ;) )

    A better formula might be:

    [Author’s fondness for adjectives (adj/sentence)]*[100 – Author’s IQ]*[sentences per page]*[pages]*[probability the adjective describes Edward]

  23. MegaB on 31 December 2008, 16:20 said:

    Ehehe, much better!

    Man, Meyer is such a crap writer! I’m glad I haven’t read any of the Twilight series; it seems genuinely worse than Inheritance….

  24. Yama-Tsu on 31 December 2008, 18:19 said:

    150 creams, Corsair? I’m betting 200. Maybe we should start a pool…

  25. SlyShy on 31 December 2008, 22:34 said:

    I’m interested in hearing your guesses for a series total. I’m thinking around 700.

  26. Yama-Tsu on 31 December 2008, 23:59 said:

    Oh, man, I don’t want to go that far. Thinking about all that cream is bound to make my head hurt.

    Geez, that sounded dirty.

    Hey, Sly, does the submission form apply to short story submissions as well?

  27. SlyShy on 1 January 2009, 00:01 said:

    Yes, it does.

  28. Zahano on 2 January 2009, 04:56 said:

    Beautiful job, as always. Kitty, in particular, adds a nice touch. A woman’s touch, one might say. Giving it more justification, that this is not just a match of malevolently misogynistic males who want to make poor teenage girls cry when the Edward dream-bubble is burst and shredded to pieces over and over again.

    You might want to add to the razzle-dazzle superhero snark that there is already a razzle-dazzle superhero-an X-Man, actually-imaginatively named Dazzler.

    You also say that Bella claims her favourite colour to be that of Edward’s eyes. Citation, please.

  29. Kitty on 2 January 2009, 05:54 said:

    Yes, that was a reference to the Dazzler. The lamest of them all.


  30. Kirsten on 5 January 2009, 16:39 said:

    Haha, loved the Viagra comment. One thing though: You said 81 on your cream count twice. Your count so far should be 89, not 88 x)

  31. SlyShy on 5 January 2009, 16:41 said:

    That was because we felt that some of the creams weren’t worth a full cream, and were more like a half cream. But we didn’t want to use fractional creams, so we just waited for there to be two half creams, and upped it one.

  32. Will of the Wheel on 5 January 2009, 21:32 said:

    Oh man. This is absolutely brilliant. Very significantly brilliant.
    What does it mean that I love the EWWs and still like Twilight??

  33. Kirsten on 5 January 2009, 22:36 said:

    Maybe you like making fun of things? That’s the case for me =P

  34. Morvius on 6 January 2009, 04:39 said:

    Because the EWWs do make sense! That’s why it’s funny! Bwahahaha

  35. Kevin on 6 January 2009, 11:49 said:

    I actually also kind of enjoy inheritance… it’s just so earnest and silly, the sort of D&D campaign I might have run when I was very young, I can’t completely dislike it. For the most part it’s kept simple and doesn’t express any truly loathsome values, as Twilight does in parts. But I still love the myriad of excellent critics that have destroyed the series(Sly/Snow, anti-Shur’tugal, Swankivy).

  36. Morvius on 6 January 2009, 12:19 said:

    Yes, Eragon was definitely entertaining at the very least. But I skipped through majority of Eldest because I felt that it was such a bore.

  37. SlyShy on 6 January 2009, 13:26 said:

    Eragon was by far the best book in the series. If they had just cut the books off there, everything might have been okay.

  38. Kevin on 6 January 2009, 13:35 said:

    But there doesn’t appear to be much damaging at the heart of Inheritance, while with Twilight, that is clearly not the case. In Inheritance, people may not behave like people, but at least they don’t inspire idolization of foolish behavior.

  39. SlyShy on 6 January 2009, 13:39 said:

    Some people are disgruntled at the heavy handed treatment of veganism and atheism. That only happens in Eldest, at least. Like I said, they should have cut the series off after Eragon. Paolini could have practiced his writing with some books that don’t get published, and maybe later he can be a good writer.

  40. Kevin on 7 January 2009, 12:26 said:

    That’s a good idea in general, though I think CP has probably maximized his potential. Three books now, and as a stylist he has not improved, while the story was aimed at rich and complex but is instead stuck on meandering. Same with SMeyer.

    I wonder what that line is, between characters advocating a position and it obviously being the author advocating his preferred lifestyle. Might be good article fodder. Anyway, sorry, I’ll stop running OT. Back to your regularly scheduled programming…

  41. Lord Snow on 9 January 2009, 20:39 said:

    Hey everyone, I’m sorry to say but the next EWW may not come for a while. My computer monitor has died (again, it happened a few weeks ago, too) so I have no access to anything I need to do the EWW’s. So this next one will take a while, unless I can get a new monitor anytime soon.

  42. Kevin on 9 January 2009, 23:38 said:

    Start a paypal collection. I don’t want to wait that long. What’s monitor, 100 bucks? I know you got over 100 readers…

  43. Havocess on 10 January 2009, 00:52 said:

    Might I suggest the addition of a Blush Count in the EWW’s? It seems to be one of Bella’s more outstanding character traits…

  44. Hedwig Widrig on 10 January 2009, 01:02 said:

    Find a Twitard who’ll make a deal to give you a dollar for every Bella character flaw. New monitor plus the Gates estate in no time.

  45. Corsair on 10 January 2009, 03:56 said:

    Her dominant character flaws are that she’s stupid and ugly. Not that many $$$.

  46. Delzra on 12 January 2009, 19:10 said:

    BWAHAHA love these! keep them coming.
    @ Corsair
    Don’t forget shallow for a total of $3

  47. Lionus on 14 January 2009, 22:21 said:

    Kitty, love the woman’s perspective on this. What’s sad to me is that I actually know a friend who dated a guy like this. And people wonder why I don’t get involved in teenage relationships…

    Is it just me, or does it seem odd that the supposed biological uber-predator sparkles? Call me crazy, but if I see a sparkly person I shall run screaming in the opposite direction.

  48. Rammi on 18 January 2009, 00:20 said:

    These are so awesome. Really.
    Might I suggest adding a lie counter? Though that may be somewhat implausible, given that you’re past page 130… And I’m not sure whether her lies would top her creams. Would they?

  49. Lord Snow on 18 January 2009, 00:59 said:

    Haha, no they probably would not top the creams. And yeah, it would be nice to go back and count some more things, but I really don’t think any of us want to put ourselves through that…

  50. SMARTALIENQT on 24 May 2009, 11:49 said:

    LS— “Friends” is not the right word for it. He is in love with her, while she tries to forget he exists. What would that be called?
    K— Umm…a symbiotic relationship?
    SS— Hmm, seems like a reverse-symbiotic relation, sort of.

    Yep, you’re right. It’d be commensalism, where one organism benefits and the other is unaffected. As opposed to the relationship between Bella and Edward, which is parasitism. Now, which of the two is the parasite…?

  51. Terice on 5 August 2009, 00:28 said:


  52. Anidori on 20 January 2010, 18:21 said:

    Maybe you guys should start a lie count. Bella has obviously lied enough times to be way past 50.

  53. fffan on 7 February 2010, 00:02 said:

    twilight is a 460 (or something like that) paged waste of ink, paper, time, life and braincells

  54. SKB on 8 February 2010, 00:36 said:

    The “lie machine” comment from pg 131 had me thinking that, if it wouldn’t take a lot of time and make this really long, you should have a “lie tally” as well as her “balance fail” and “cream count”.

  55. SKB on 8 February 2010, 00:39 said:

    Oh yea, and this was the funniest thing I have ever read online. Kudos.

  56. sarah on 3 May 2010, 15:18 said:

    Does anyone else find Edward actually unappealing??

    His skin being so pale and white sounds gross. and he sounds gay the rest of the time.