This book is becoming more painful as I read. In this section we hit one of the most ironic things I have seen in a very long time. So many bad things… So little of the book covered… Oh, and this section might as well be called “There Will be Cream” because… Well, you’ll see.
9. Theory
“My mind doesn’t work right? I’m a freak?” (p.91)
LS— Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner.
SS— Too easy.
“‘Holy crow!’ I shouted. ‘Slow down!’” (p.92)
LS— What is this, Batman?
SS— Holy Hindenburg, Batman!
“‘Enough commentary on my driving,’ he snapped.” (p.92)
LS— Aww, he’s so cute when he is angry and commanding.
SS— That’s husband material, right there.
“‘You don’t care if I’m a monster? If I’m not human!’ ‘No.’” (p.94)
LS— “You don’t care if I rip babies in half and lick up the blood, then cook them up and eat them?” “Not if you look hot while doing it…”
SS— I am a … COOKIE MONSTER.
“‘Don’t laugh — but how can you come out during the daytime?’
He laughed anyway. ‘Myth.’
‘Burned by the sun?’
‘Myth.’
‘Sleeping in coffins?’
‘Myth.’ He hesitated for a moment, and a peculiar tone entered his voice. ‘I can’t sleep.’
It took me a minute to absorb that. ‘At all?’
‘Never,’ he said”
LS— In other words: “I have no weaknesses!”
SS— Occasionally they will misquote Shakespeare.
“‘Don’t let that make you complacent, though,’ he warned me. ‘They’re right to keep their distance from
us. We are still dangerous.’
‘I don’t understand.’”
LS— “GOD WOMAN! I’m a sparkly vampire. At least leave me with some dignity.”
“I didn’t answer; I just listened to the sound of his laugh, committing it to memory.” (p.96)
LS— … Hey, Bella. Good news. I found this wonderful little place you can move to. They give you this nice little complimentary jacket, that fits you nice and snugly. And they have these great little rooms. They are so comfortable, and there are pillows everywhere!
SS— See? Twilight does encourage women to be smart! She is making good use of her acute memory. Twilight just doesn’t encourage you to be independent.
“His eyes were gentle but intense, and they seemed to be making my bones turn soft.” (p.96)
LS— Cream Count: 51
“‘I fell,’ I sighed.” (p.96)
LS— Balance Fail: 21
“‘Well, you asked if the sun hurt me, and it doesn’t. But I can’t go out in the sunlight — at least, not where
anyone can see.’
‘Why?’
‘I’ll show you sometime,’ he promised.” (p.97)
LS— Oh god…
“‘What?’ His velvety voice was compelling.” (p.97)
LS— Cream Count: 52
“Don’t you see, Bella? It’s one thing for me to make myself miserable, but a wholly other thing for you to be so involved.” (p.97)
LS— Yeah, that’s usually how these relationship things work…
SS— Snicker.
“‘I’m serious,’ he growled.” (p.97)
LS— Why so serious? (Sorry)
SS— I swear, Edward spends half his time pretending to be a tiger. Sorry Edward, at your age, you are more of a cougar.
“sure enough, traitor tears were there, betraying me.” (p.97)
LS— We got the fact that they were betraying you when you told us they were traitors.
“‘What were you thinking tonight, just before I came around the corner? I couldn’t understand your
expression — you didn’t look that scared, you looked like you were concentrating very hard on
something.’
‘I was trying to remember how to incapacitate an attacker — you know, self-defense. I was going to
smash his nose into his brain.’ I thought of the dark-haired man with a surge of hate.” (p.98)
LS— Really? It’s that hard to listen to your basic instincts and hit him in the face and/or balls?
SS— Kick to the balls doesn’t work against heavily drugged up opponents, which a lot of muggers are. A better technique is a swift chop to the windpipe, which will disable them for a good long time.
“‘I fall down a lot when I run,’ I admitted.” (p.98)
LS— Balance Fail: 22
“‘Will I see you tomorrow?’ I demanded.
‘Yes — I have a paper due, too.’ He smiled. ‘I’ll save you a seat at lunch.’” (p.98)
LS— That part about the paper came out of absolutely nowhere. No paper was mentioned in this entire scene.
“I pulled his jacket off, taking one last whiff.” (p.98)
LS— … ‘Nuff said.
SS— His skin smells like crack.
“I’m not always the most dangerous thing out there.” (p.99)
LS— He says this “I’m dangerous” crap all of the time, but Smeyer has never actually shown us that he is dangerous, so the fear and the thrill of this “dangerous” love is non-existent.
SS— B-but, but, he says he is! It’s about as convincing as me saying I’m sexy repeatedly. Which I am, by the way.
“his pale, glorious face just inches from mine.” (p.99)
LS— Cream Count: 53
“And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.” (p.100)
LS— Seriously? You just figured that out? I would have thought the fact that you became his psycho stalker would clue you in… Apparently I gave too much credit.
SS— This line was so terrible in the movie. Ugh. Unconditional puppy love = vulnerable to abuse.
10. Interrogations
“It was very hard, in the morning” (p.101)
LS— And chapter ten starts off with a bang.
SS— I believe you mean a spurt. Is shot
“he caught me by surprise yet again. There was uncertainty in his voice. He was really giving me a choice — I was free to refuse” (p.101)
LS— Yes, I took this severely out of context, but this pretty much sums up their relationship.
“perfectly muscled chest. It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body.”
LS— Cream Count: 55
“I pulled the jacket onto my lap, pushing my arms through the too-long sleeves, curious to see if the scent could possibly be as good as I remembered. It was better.”
LS— This is creeping me out so much.
SS— See, she is addicted now. Funny that the county’s biggest crack abuser is right in the sheriff’s house.
“‘I’m not quite that delicate,’ I said … ‘Aren’t you?’ he contradicted”
LS— You woman, me man, you helpless, me protect you!
SS— That poor China Doll. I’m not sure she should be allowed outside of her protective box.
“‘You edit,’ he accused.
‘Not very much.’
‘Enough to drive me insane.’” (p.102)
LS— Aw, cute. You guys can be insane together.
“Hadn’t you noticed? I’m breaking all the rules now.” (p.102)
LS— Oooooh, rebel.
SS— This is exactly the kind of line that gets the fans riled up. Aren’t they soooo risky.
“It wasn’t really his fault that his voice was so irresistible. Or what his eyes were capable of.” (p.102)
LS— Cream Count: 57
“She gave me a meaningful look” (p.102)
LS— SM has such a way of describing things.
SS— “More adverbs, is what your writing needs,” I generously advised SM, graciously using my delicious voice.
“‘Yikes. What should I say?’ I tried to keep my expression very innocent.” (p.103)
LS— Hmm, maybe you should try thinking like an independent human being for once.
SS— Yikes. I can’t think for myself.
“‘Even better. He must like you.’
‘I think so, but it’s hard to tell. He’s always so cryptic,’” (p.105)
LS— It really isn’t hard to tell… Like, at all.
SS— Yeah, really, take a hint.
“he’d turned the overwhelming force of his eyes on her.” (p.105)
LS— Cream Count: 58
“‘Oh well. He is unbelievably gorgeous.’ Jessica shrugged as if this excused any flaws. Which, in her book, it probably did.” (p.105)
LS— Oh my god. This is the most ridiculous lines in the entire book. Does SM not actually notice that she DOES excuse all flaws of his flaws because he is “gorgeous”?! He is walking around like an obsessively controlling stalker and she ignores it all because he is so good looking. She really is so oblivious that she unknowingly makes fun of herself. Irony at its best, folks.
SS— That.
Also, Cream Count: 59
“There’s a lot more to him than that.” (p.105)
LS— No there isn’t. Nothing good at least.
SS— You just haven’t chewed to the creamy center yet.
“Really? Like what?” (p.105)
LS— Do I have to say it all again? He is the definition of creepy. Oh… You were asking Bella… Here is the real answer then:
“I can’t explain it right” (p.105)
LS— Hmm… I wonder why.
“looking more like a Greek god than anyone had a right to” (p.106)
LS— This book deserves fire. Lots and lots of fire. Cream Count: 60
SS— Except the Greek Gods had flaws.
“his dark golden eyes piercing” “Finally he spoke, voice velvet soft.” “His liquid topaz eyes were penetrating” “struggling to think clearly in spite of his face” “I waved my hand toward him and all his bewildering perfection.” (p.107-8)
LS— Ick… Disgusting fountain of cream. Cream Count: 65
“all the near-death experiences and being so clumsy that I’m almost disabled” (p.108)
LS— Almost disabled? Balance Fail: 23
“‘Well, look at me,’ I said, unnecessarily as he was already staring. ‘I’m absolutely ordinary’” “but you didn’t hear what every human male in this school was thinking on your first day.” (p.108)
LS— My Mary Sue senses are tingling.
SS— Edward, keep that to yourself, you perv.
“devastating smile” (p,109)
LS— Cream Count: 66
“If I had to, I supposed I could purposefully put myself in danger to keep him close”
LS— … That mental institution just keeps looking better and better.
SS— Relationship fail.
“I shook my head sadly. ‘You’ve never seen me in Gym, I guess, but I would have thought you would
understand.’
‘Are you referring to the fact that you can’t walk across a flat, stable surface without finding something to
trip over?’
‘Obviously.’” (p.109)
LS— Balance Fail: 24
“Again, he was leaving the choice up to me.” (p.110)
LS— The fact that this is worth noting is worrying by itself.
“His eyes did that unfair smoldering thing again.” (p.110)
LS— Cream Count: 67
Snow White Queen on 7 December 2008, 01:39 said:
Nice!
I’ve been waiting for a new article for a while now, and this is a great addition to the EWW series.
(I love how the acronymn spells ‘eww’ which is totally appropriate)
Lord Snow on 7 December 2008, 01:41 said:
XD Yep, the acronym was totally unintentional, too.
Snow White Queen on 7 December 2008, 01:53 said:
It’s fate!
Just one question, though-when you do cream count, do you count per book, or for the entire series? Just wondering…
Lord Snow on 7 December 2008, 01:57 said:
Well, this is all one book so far. We haven’t gotten to the others yet so I don’t really know what we will do. We probably will do a separate count for each book, and add them up at the end of each set of EWWs.
Snow White Queen on 7 December 2008, 02:03 said:
Oh…wow, you’ve just got past pg. 100 in one book and you’ve already got 50+ creams…
That’s just pathetic.
Never mind then. :D
Saeyre on 7 December 2008, 02:11 said:
Lol, you poor people… I thought it was bad enough just skimming through the book, and I’m definitely not going to read the other three.
Also…this is complete win. :) Documented evidence of the things we all cringed at.
Gildor on 7 December 2008, 11:52 said:
Out of how many pages does this poor excuse of a novel exist?
Lord Snow on 7 December 2008, 13:08 said:
My copy is about 260 pages.
Snow White Queen on 7 December 2008, 16:08 said:
260?
Thought it was longer…
Lord Snow on 7 December 2008, 16:28 said:
Yeah, my copy is weird.
Yama-Tsu on 7 December 2008, 17:03 said:
+5 Cream Count jump FTW.
Artimaeus on 7 December 2008, 21:33 said:
It takes a special breed of person to read a book like this so that the rest of us don’t have to. This is hilarious. Keep it up!
Kevin on 7 December 2008, 23:01 said:
An epic spork, LS and SS. Well done.
This book is grotesque.
LucyWannabe on 8 December 2008, 11:58 said:
Yay! Been waiting for this. I can’t wait until you guys get to the part where he sparkles. Oh, and baseball.
Kitty on 9 December 2008, 23:55 said:
Do you know how much this series creeps me out?
A lot.
A lot.
Eragon'sShrink19 on 11 December 2008, 21:38 said:
Hmm…
I suppose when you read something you identify with (or think you identify with) and feel as though it is a fictional account of your “self story”, that you’re unable to think negatively of it. Thus:
Story about awkward, insecure girl and hot guy + awkward, insecure girl = BEST BOOK EVAR
But hey, at least they’re reading, right? ;)
SlyShy on 12 December 2008, 02:20 said:
My study is still in progress, but I think I can pretty safely say that Twilight is not a “gateway book” the way marijuana is supposed to be a gateway drug.
So basically, what you are saying is: “At least they read a single bad book, right?”, because they won’t read another book after that. They’ll just watch the movies.
Good god, so much about this series bothers me that I can express myself coherently enough to finish my review. That and I have a Chinese final.
Addie on 14 December 2008, 18:37 said:
Good job, SlyShy and Lord Snow. A most interesting spork. :)
Rand on 16 December 2008, 18:51 said:
Great. Humongus hilarity.
Mumbling Sage on 16 December 2008, 22:43 said:
Words fail me, so all I can really say is: thank you.
Also, LOL
Ty on 17 December 2008, 02:23 said:
If reading the series itself is anywhere near as funny as reading Lord Snow’s and SlyShy’s commentary, then I’m actually considering it…
LucyWannabe on 17 December 2008, 10:22 said:
I actually wouldn’t read it if I were you—it’s more of a painful read rather than a funny one. I had to FORCE myself to push on with it, it was so boring.
SlyShy on 17 December 2008, 14:20 said:
Yeah, it’s not a very enjoyable read, once you realize how bad it is. Give me Pride & Prejudice over this drivel any day of the week.
Addie on 17 December 2008, 17:16 said:
It’s so annoying when people say Pride and Prejudice and Twilight are oh-so-exactly-alike. They’re hardly anything alike! scowl
Rand on 17 December 2008, 17:46 said:
They are both love stories. The similarities end here.
Oh, except for one other thing.
Both lead males are unattainable by every female except for the main protag.
SlyShy on 17 December 2008, 20:05 said:
Addie,
In my case, I don’t bring up P&P because I think it is at all like Twilight, but because it is an example of a well written romance novel with fleshed out characters and a complex plot. About as far from Twilight as you can get, basically, and it should still appeal to female readers.
weasel8 on 18 December 2008, 01:39 said:
Hey, one thing, Sly and Snow… the fact that you use the little pink quote boxes and quotation marks is really bothering me for some reason. Use one or the other (preferably the boxes); we can already see that they’re quotes.
LolworthyBoy on 18 December 2008, 15:02 said:
Oh man, I love you guys xD You make my day every time I read these.
SlyShy on 18 December 2008, 15:38 said:
Hey Weasel,
That’s a good point. The boxes should be sufficient.
weasel8 on 18 December 2008, 19:13 said:
Heh, yeah, didn’t mean to come off as a jerk or anything. Amazing series, keep it up!
Snow White Queen on 18 December 2008, 21:08 said:
But they do serve a purpose, the quotation marks. Doesn’t it help you tell who’s speaking?
SlyShy on 18 December 2008, 21:23 said:
He means the quotation marks that indicate a quotation. The outer layer of quotation, so to speak, which is indicated by the quote box just fine.
Snow White Queen on 18 December 2008, 21:25 said:
Ahhh I see what you mean.
Never mind then.
Lord Snow on 18 December 2008, 21:33 said:
Yeah, Weasel, I can do that from now on. Makes sense. And will make some things less complicated. Oh, and thanks for the great feedback everyone!
T on 29 May 2009, 22:47 said:
Ugh, God, this thing is right about EVERYTHING. And its really freaking hilarious at the same time. But like none of us knew that Edward was a sparkly, stone-cold, pedophile vampire who stalks his girlfriend. (Ha ha, internet teaches me SO much….)
TwilightPart6 on 13 October 2009, 18:18 said:
Wow, you actually read the ENTIRE book? Ok, words are like, cool, and everything, but movies are SOOOO much better. Have you heard of this top secret twilight movie
http://www.brainbooger.com/2/post/2009/09/twilight-part-6.html
SlyShy on 13 October 2009, 19:18 said:
Link spam somewhere else, okay? We use the no-follow attribute, so it isn’t as if this is improving your SEO.
Reader66 on 19 January 2010, 23:07 said:
“..Nuff said”
That was hilarious. I was laughing for 10 minutes.
Issue-11 on 16 December 2010, 11:52 said:
“looking more like a Greek god than anyone had a right to”
SM really should mention which Greek god. Until she makes this absolutely clear, I’ll assume she meant Hephaestus, who was so ugly his mother threw him off the Olympus.
swenson on 16 December 2010, 16:09 said:
Haha, nice. Let’s also not forget that the Greek gods were fond of taking other shapes, so maybe she meant Zeus, in the form of a cow.
Icarus on 21 February 2013, 00:55 said:
Ooh dear god. The only reason I’m pushing myself to read this peice of crap book is because I promised my best friend I would read the story she’s writing. Unfortunately it’s a fanfic of twilight and she says I have to read the series in order to understand her story. I love her to bits but holy f*ck!
How in the hell of it do so many people get obsessed over this crap?
Well anyway she challenged me to try and write a better book then SMeyer.
Shouldn’t be too hard
Great work Lord Snow and SlyShy, this stuff is hilarious