The next chunk of that oh-so-popular drivel named Twilight. In this section we get a taste of Edward’s wonderfully controlling personality, and way to much of the judgmental and self-centered creature, Bella.
7. Nightmare
“I closed my eyes, but the light still intruded, so I added a pillow over the top half of my face.” (p.67)
LS— How about trying to turn off the lights? Or is that too logical?
SS— But she is so scared of the dark!
“his skin faintly glowing” (p.68)
LS— Oh my god, Edward is a light bulb!?
SS— No, but the perfect boyfriend should be able to function as a flashlight when needed. This becomes useful when he needs to fix the leaky drain.
“his eyes black and dangerous” (p.68)
LS— I didn’t know that somebody’s eyes could be dangerous. Maybe Bella misunderstood the phrase “glaring daggers” or “if looks could kill.”
SS— Stop stereotyping please.
“I took a step forward, toward Edward. He smiled then, and his teeth were sharp, pointed. ‘Trust me,’ he purred. I took another step.” (p.68)
LS— I’d hate to see what would happen if Bella ever ran into a sexual predator…
SS— …and tripped right over the table. “HAHA! Bella, you are clumsy!”
“I hated using the Internet here. My modem was sadly outdated, my free service substandard” (p.68)
LS— What do you expect from “free service”? And how do you manage to complain about free things?
SS— Neither statement really makes sense. And since when could you get free internet? It’s not like she is logging onto a wireless hotstop in the middle of nowhere.
“And then another problem, one that I’d remembered from the small number of scary movies that I’d seen and was backed up by today’s reading — vampires couldn’t come out in the daytime, the sun would burn them to a cinder. They slept in coffins all day and came out only at night. Aggravated, I snapped off the computer’s main power switch, not waiting to shut things down properly.”
LS— “Grrr… Why would those movies lie to me? I thought I could believe everything I saw on TV.”
SS— Twilight fans: you can’t believe everything you read in books either. Edward doesn’t exist, sorry.
LS— And I’m sorry to inform all of you, but real men don’t sparkle.
“What was wrong with me?”
LS— A lot of things, Bella, a lot of things.
“My sense of direction was hopeless… The trail wound deeper and deeper into the forest, mostly east as far as I could tell” (p.70)
LS— Do I even have to say anything?
“I followed the trail as long as my anger at myself pushed me forward.” (p.70)
LS— Wait… We don’t even know why she is angry. She was freaked out that Edward was a vampire, then really depressed, then irritated at her computer, and now she is hiking through a forest because she is mad at herself for reasons unknown.
“inhuman beauty” (p.71)
LS— Cream Count: 38
“Edward Cullen was not… human. He was something more.” (p.71)
LS— A sex god? Anyways. even though it isn’t really clear, we will add it to the count. Cream Count: 39
“I couldn’t even believe myself; anyone I told would have me committed.” (p.71)
LS— You know… That wouldn’t be a very bad idea.
“Only two options seemed practical. The first was to take his advice: to be smart” (p.71)
LS— Sorry, Bella, but I think for you that is out of the question.
SS— The second was becoming alcoholic.
“Because when I thought of him, of his voice, his hypnotic eyes, the magnetic force of his personality, I wanted nothing more than to be with him right now.” (p.72)
LS— I believe that creepy, stalker-like statement qualifies for 2 creams. Cream Count: 41
“Even if… but I couldn’t think it.” (p.71)
LS— You obviously could think it, otherwise you wouldn’t even know what you meant be saying “it.”
“I shivered and rose quickly from my place of concealment, worried that somehow the path would have disappeared with the rain.” (p.72)
LS— Just strengthening the argument that Bella is a nut job.
“‘I never noticed before — your hair has red in it,’ he commented, catching between his fingers a strand that was fluttering in the light breeze. ‘Only in the sun.’ I became just a little uncomfortable as he tucked the lock behind my ear.” (p.73)
LS— Only a little uncomfortable? Why is it that every time she has the right to be freaked out, she isn’t? And every time she shouldn’t be freaked out, she over reacts.
SS— Given the way he watches her, he had to have been lying.
“‘I mostly worked on my essay.’ I didn’t add that I was finished with it — no need to sound smug.” (p.73)
LS— How would that be smug?
SS— Everything she says is smug, are you kidding?
“Why couldn’t I ever have a pleasant conversation with Mike anymore without it getting awkward?” (p.74)
LS— Because Mike is a creepster and you are a sociopath.
SS— Oh, wouldn’t that imply them getting along pretty well? They could be cellmates some day.
“‘Well, we could go to dinner or something… and I could work on it later.’ He smiled at me hopefully. ‘Mike…’ I hated being put on the spot. ‘I don’t think that would be the best idea.’ His face fell. ‘Why?’ he asked, his eyes guarded. My thoughts flickered to Edward, wondering if that’s where his thoughts were as well. ‘I think… and if you ever repeat what I’m saying right now I will cheerfully beat you to death,’ I threatened, ‘but I think that would hurt Jessica’s feelings.’ He was bewildered, obviously not thinking in that direction at all. ‘Jessica?’ ‘Really, Mike, are you blind?’” (p.74)
LS— Hey, Bella, would you mind being more of a bitch? I’m not sure if you’re being enough of a horrible person. He may be creepy, but that is not an appropriate way to deal with him asking you out.
SS— Remember that girl I dumped on you so you couldn’t ask me out to dance? How inconsiderate of you not to think of her feelings!
“I was far too lost in my own frenzy of anticipation to notice much of what she said.” (p.74)
LS— Why does she make excuses? It is obvious that she just doesn’t care about any of her “friends” at all.
“spiraling downward in misery” “wave of disappointment” “The rest of the day passed slowly, dismally.” (p.75)
LS— All of this is because she didn’t get to see Edward that day. Overreact much?
SS— I freak out like that sometimes, like when one of my socks is turned inside out. Not cool.
“In Gym, we had a lecture on the rules of badminton, the next torture they had lined up for me. But at least it meant I got to sit and listen instead of stumbling around on the court.” (p.75)
LS— Balance Fail: 20
SS— This is far worse than Guantanamo Bay, that’s for sure. Good god, she gets physical exercise.
8. Port Angeles
“Jessica’s dinner with Mike had gone very well, and she was hoping that by Saturday night they would have progressed to the first-kiss stage. I smiled to myself, pleased.” (p.77)
LS— She is pleased because she knows other girls can only get the boys she regurgitates.
SS— Just think, one day they will be stuck in that kind of unhappy-twice-a-week-marriage-counseling marriage, and they’ll have Bella’s creepy manipulation of their lives to thank.
“I failed miserably in my attempt to sound nonchalant.” (p.78)
LS— You failing miserably at something? Couldn’t be.
SS— I’m trying really hard to fail at this, but I just can’t.
“I was beginning to really like Angela.” (p.79)
LS— I wonder how long this will last.
“Through the glass I could see a fifty-year-old woman with long, gray hair worn straight down her back, clad in a dress right out of the sixties, smiling welcomingly from behind the counter. I decided that was one conversation I could skip. There had to be a normal bookstore in town.” (p.79)
LS— In other words: “Eww! A gross hippie! Screw this, I’m going to find a bookstore with people who are exactly like me.”
SS— This just doesn’t make sense. Friendly old ladies are scary, but vampires aren’t? This world is so upside down.
“I was trying so hard not to think about him,” (p.79)
LS— Who are you trying to kid?
“A group of four men turned around the corner I was heading for, dressed too casually to be heading home from the office, but they were too grimy to be tourists. As they approached me, I realized they weren’t too many years older than I was. They were joking loudly among themselves, laughing raucously and punching each other’s arms. I scooted as far to the inside of the sidewalk as I could to give them room, walking swiftly, looking past them to the corner.” (p.79)
LS— “Yuck, look how they are dressed. I don’t even want to be near them.” What’s with Bella and judging people this chapter? She is worse than usual.
SS— It was a common belief in the middle ages that you could determine someone’s personality and disposition from their appearance, especially facial features. Although it’s now been shown that men with broader faces are generally more aggressive, the rest of the idea is hogwash. In other words, Twilight: kicking it back to 1573!
“They were from the same group I’d passed at the corner, though neither was the dark one who’d spoken to me.” (p.80)
LS— Why would you describe someone as “the dark one”?
“My purse was on a shoulder strap and I had it slung across my body… I thought about “accidentally” dropping my bag and walking away.” (p.80)
LS— Yeah, I’m sure you could make that look really “accidental.”
SS— Seriously? Seriously? If I saw Bella do that, I would probably pick up her bag, call her over, and give her bag back.
“Breathe, I had to remind myself.” (p.80)
LS— Actually, you probably didn’t have to remind yourself. Usually your body can do that on it’s own.
SS— This is Bella. She is so clumsy she has trouble walking and breathing at the same time.
“I turned my head forward at once, quickening my pace… it didn’t sound like they were speeding up, or getting any closer to me… I could hear them, staying as far back as they’d been before.” (p.80)
LS— Now, does that make any sense at all? They are moving roughly at the same pace. She speeds up, they do not. Yet they still stay the exact same distance from each other.
SS— When she looks away, they are very sneakily MC Hammer sliding towards her.
“A blue car turned onto the street from the south and drove quickly past me. I thought of jumping out in front of it, but I hesitated, inhibited, unsure that I was really being pursued, and then it was too late.” (p.80)
LS— Let me get this straight… She saw a car that was moving quickly, and thought about leaping in front of it. But, she isn’t really sure if she is being chased or not, so she decides not to.
SS— It makes a lot of sense. If she jumps in front of it, Edward will appear and stop the car, and then she’ll be able to escape. Tada.
“I was sure to trip and go sprawling if I tried to go any faster.” (p.80)
LS— Balance Fail: 21
SS— The ground: one big obstacle Bella keeps tripping over.
“That same pessimistic voice in my mind spoke up” (p.81)
LS— Oh, she is hearing voices now. Wonderful.
SS— “I’ll never be the most glamorous girl in school, sigh.”
“Shut up! I commanded the voice” (p.81)
LS— Never mind my last statement. She’s talking to the voices now.
SS— “No, you shut up! I’m tired of you always ordering me around, you cold monster. EDWARD IS MINE RAWR.”
“I dove into the road — this car was going to stop, or have to hit me.” (p.81)
LS— Please be the latter, please be the latter, please be the latter.
SS— Wouldn’t that sort of hurt? Like, a lot? I’ve sprawled onto pavement before, it hurts.
“But the silver car unexpectedly fishtailed around, skidding to a stop with the passenger door open just a few feet from me.” (p.81)
LS— I’m lucky I don’t have anything that could be used to start a fire right now.
SS— Wow, good thing the driver was a Hollywood stuntman, so he could totally pull that off.
“‘Put on your seat belt,’ he commanded” “He took a sharp left, racing forward, blowing through several stop signs without a pause.” “closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger.” (p.81)
LS— You know, taking sharp turns, speeding, and running through stop signs may seem dangerous, but it’s ok kids, they have their seat belts.
“I studied his flawless features” “blazing eyes” “he asked in his silken, irresistible voice.” (p.81-83)
LS— Cream Count: 44
“he commanded” “‘Distract me, please,’ he ordered.” “‘Just prattle about something unimportant until I calm down,’” “‘I’m taking you to dinner.’ He smiled slightly, but his eyes were hard. He stepped out of the car and slammed the door.” “‘I think you should eat something.’ Edward’s voice was low, but full of authority.” (p.81-83)
LS— And this is the man all of the girls are raving about? I guess it’s sexy if you treat women like property.
SS— Uh, duh. Sean “Make Me A Sammich” Connery is like the epitome of sexy.
“His voice was alluring” “He flashed his gleaming smile, dazing her momentarily.” “His face twisted up into that perfect crooked smile.” (p.84-85)
LS— Cream Count: 47
“‘Drink,’ he ordered. I sipped at my soda obediently” (p.85)
LS— Aww, so romantic.
SS— Edward is a small timer. On my dates, I tell the girl how to lift fork, scoop food, open mouth, insert food, withdraw fork, close mouth, chew, chew, chew, swallow, rinse and repeat.
“It fit him snugly, emphasizing how muscular his chest was.” “smelled amazing” (p.86)
LS— Cream Count: 49
“‘I followed you to Port Angeles,’ he admitted” (p.88)
LS— Oh, so we have a little bit of stalking now?
SS— Of course, this doesn’t make her feel weird. Only that other group did.
“It was very… hard — you can’t imagine how hard” (p.89)
LS— The innuendo returns again.
“amazed, yet again, by how graceful he was” (p.90)
LS— Cream Count: 50
“I was warm in his jacket, though, breathing in the scent of it when I thought he couldn’t see.” (p.90)
LS— That’s not weird of creepy at all.
SS— Especially since vampires ought to smell like corpse rot.
“‘Now,’ he said significantly, ‘it’s your turn.’” (p.90)
LS— Thanks for telling us when something is significant or not. I don’t think I could have caught that on our own.
SS— Wow, I’ve never seen that adverb used like that. It’s horrifying.
Morvius on 8 November 2008, 03:28 said:
Hoho. Really funny!
Lily on 8 November 2008, 12:56 said:
I love this segment….haha it takes ALL my will power not to send this to my twilight-obsessed friends.
and i quote:
“Twilight is the greatest book of all time!”
“Stephanie Meyer is a genius”
“Now that I’ve read Twilight, Harry Potter seems lame to me.”
and when i said, with evidence that Bella treats her friends like crap, this is the response i get.
“She doesnt need friends, she has Edward!”
Please kill me NOW.
Rand on 8 November 2008, 15:33 said:
Twilight was written to sell, whether Stephanie Meyer meant to or not. Regardless, it’s a product of pop culture and nothing more; I wish people would read real literature.
Snow White Queen on 8 November 2008, 15:55 said:
Hehe, I love this!
Joe on 11 November 2008, 11:35 said:
Twilight is horrible. Bella and Edward don’t have any chemistry, I mean, not even the hardcore fans could give you three reasons they love each other so much.
Rand on 11 November 2008, 13:33 said:
Hear, hear.
falconempress on 15 November 2008, 12:49 said:
lol when i wrote exactly what i thought of Twilight on this internet bookstore here in Slovakia when the atrocity came out, I had the local PULISHER reply to it saying how they “dont pick books simply because they carry prospect of financial profit, but for stories who leave marks on their readers”. that part was actually kind of true. it took me weeks and three Discworld books to undo the damage. and he kept ranting about how even he as a man sees the beauty of edward and bellas relationship. i didnt bother to answer that
Billy the Kid on 16 November 2008, 20:59 said:
Actually, to be honest I am rather grateful to S Meyer for giving us Twilight. I mean without horrifingly degenerate trash like Twilight and Inhertiance, great literature would no longer be great, it would be average. If anyone has seen Annapolis, you’ll know what I mean when I say without Mississippi, Arkansas would be the worst state in America, and no one would really vlaue California for what its really worth becuase there wouldn’t be anything else to prove how great it is. Literature is the same. Without the mass of crap that’s out there, how would we know what’s truly great?
Virgil on 17 November 2008, 10:07 said:
I agree with you to some extent, Billy. But great literature would still be great without Twilight, all you have to do is go to the fan fiction section at B&N, or the 10-book series mass market with the over-epic titles. I wouldn’t mind Twilight at all if it hadn’t become so popular, and praised as a great piece of literature.
Dave on 18 November 2008, 13:53 said:
You’re commentary on Twilight is amazing.
http://tangoxyz.deviantart.com/art/Cedward-98816354
SlyShy on 18 November 2008, 13:59 said:
Just wanted to say, great work with that photoshop.
Dave on 18 November 2008, 14:03 said:
Thanks. I figured it would be appreciated here…they didn’t love it so much on the Twilight message board where I posted it.
Virgil on 18 November 2008, 16:09 said:
Haha.. I read the caption and for a minute I couldn’t remember where I saw that, then the headband clicked. Very funny.
Rand on 18 November 2008, 17:19 said:
On the Twilight message board? Are you serious! That’s scary fangirl territory!
Snow White Queen on 18 November 2008, 20:48 said:
Nice, Dave! Ahh the things you can do with Photoshop.
I need to figure out how to use it someday.
Liv on 18 December 2008, 09:58 said:
Seriously, if either of you two ever become suicidal and want to die mobbed by a crowd of she-fantards who are in a committed relationship with a fictional character, you should post a few of these witty literary responses on EVERY TWILIGHT FAN PAGE.
It would take serious commitment to mocking a horrible book, but I think you two have what it takes.
What’s even sadder is when there are GUYS who love this book. And sadly, there are straight men who are forced by their girlfriends to read them (Which is evil way beyond making them sit through Legally Blonde 2) AND PRETEND TO LIKE THEM.
I know a guy who bought his girlfriend an Edward Cullen t-shirt for Christmas. I shook my head an asked, “You realize she wants you to be him, right?”
SlyShy on 18 December 2008, 18:13 said:
Actually, once I finish my long review of the movie (it’s bordering on too long—15 pages before edits) I’m going to do exactly that. And I’ll want help too.
Snow White Queen on 18 December 2008, 21:10 said:
Oooh, the famous Twilight movie review. And I genuinely would like to see the fan reaction. Do you think you can post it on here?
I’m half curious to see it myself so I have a bit of a background before the slaughter begins…
Then again, it’s a recession, and I’m not sure whether it’s worth wasting the 10 bucks.
SlyShy on 18 December 2008, 21:25 said:
I’m definitely posting the review here, when it is ready. I wasn’t anticipating it being such a project, so it’s taking a lot longer than I initially thought it would.
I wouldn’t bother going to see it by yourself, but if you have some friends who are fans, and they invite you could as well go along. Make sure they pay for your ticket though. ;)
Steph on 16 May 2009, 02:54 said:
“SS— Edward is a small timer. On my dates, I tell the girl how to lift fork, scoop food, open mouth, insert food, withdraw fork, close mouth, chew, chew, chew, swallow, rinse and repeat.”
I am hyperventilating here. I can’t imagine anything so attractive as what you’ve just described. Wanna go out sometime?
SlyShy on 16 May 2009, 03:23 said:
And I can’t imagine anything as attractive as a girl who compliments my sense of humor. :P
Steph on 16 May 2009, 03:31 said:
Geez that was a quick reply. Ur not Stalker Edward, are you? Watching my every move?
Wow. I just looked over my shoulder and you weren’t there. Congrats on the hiding skills. Except you should know that I can see your shoe sticking out from under the table.
SlyShy on 16 May 2009, 03:36 said:
I’m better than Edward. Where as Edward only dared watch people sleep, I watch people at all times.
That said, the real explanation is that I receive email notification of comments.
Steph on 16 May 2009, 05:28 said:
“I’m better than Edward.”
Me: What an achievement.
SMeyer: Weren’t you listening? Nobody’s better than Edward.
Terice on 5 August 2009, 00:08 said:
For some reason, I read this, and I was reminded of this one day when I was with my best friend Seth and we were talking about how this whole world was made up of rainbows and unicorns and magic…weird.