So…this one took more than two months. To make up for it, this is a special cameo edition. —Sly
18. The Hunt
They emerged one by one from the forest edge, ranging a dozen meters apart. The first male into the clearing fell back immediately, allowing the other male to take the front, orienting himself around the tall, dark-haired man in a manner that clearly displayed who led the pack. (p.195)
LS— Wow, what a little bitch.
SS— Alpha-male there… Interestingly, the person who coined the phrase alpha-male revoked his theory, saying that based on a new body of research it was no longer an accurate description of pack behavior.
V— Wow, good thing we’re informed he’s the leader. I would have been totally lost.
E— Can’t you just smell the testosterone?
R— male, male, man, manner.
Their walk was catlike, a gait that seemed constantly on the edge of shifting into a crouch. (p.196)
LS— Is it just me, or is this visual totally ridiculous?
E— I imagine a walking squirrel.
V— Is it some sort of everlasting fall…?
A swift rigidity fell on all of them as James lurched one step forward into a crouch. Edward bared his teeth, crouching in defense, a feral snarl ripping from his throat. (p.197)
LS— Ok… What’s with everybody and crouching all of the sudden? Is that supposed to be intimidating?
E— Crouches are evidently extreeeemely intimidating. Even more so than towering over people, doncha know?
SS— Low center of gravity is a big deal, okay guys?
E— Aww, maybe they should take some balancing lessons, poor little twiddlydums.
V— If your snarl rips from your throat without proper posture.. I shudder to think what would happen.
R— When a swift rigidity falls on me, I think about baseball.
E— Or something else altogether. Please tell me I’m not the only one who thought of that.
R— Implied. xP
E— Those baseball uniforms are made of quite thin cloth…
R – And you thought “Yankee” was a term for an American…
“We have to get you away from here—far away—now.” He didn’t look back, his eyes on the road. The speedometer read a hundred and five miles an hour. (p.198)
LS— “What the hell are you doing Edward?”
“Saving you.”
“By going so fast you deserve a Felony? You know… If you crash I’ll still die.”
SS— Thankfully vampires get 50% off on auto-insurance. It’s super handy.
V— I thought vampires were cool enough not to have to watch the road?
“Turn around! You have to take me home!” I shouted. I struggled with the stupid harness, tearing at the straps. (p.198)
LS— What are you going to do, idiot? Jump out?
V— Dumb Bella, it’d save your life.
E— Yeah, especially since the straps are so flimsy she can tear them.
SS— I don’t know if you know, Bella, but there is this button on the buckler you can press down on to release the locking mechanism. Most people learn this about the time they stop sitting in car-seats.
E— Or you can just, you know, lean back a bit and it releases you.
“No! Edward! No, you can’t do this.”
K— “Shut up Bella, I’m going to pay the fucking rent and you can’t stop me.”
“I have to, Bella, now please be quiet.” (p.199)
LS— Aww, cute. He’s so polite in saying: “Shut up, woman. The men are talking.”
R – “…And while you’re at it, make me a sammich.”
V— Yeah, Bella, he has to.
“Bella, please just do this my way, just this once,” he said between clenched teeth. (p.201)
LS— Are you kidding? “Just this once”? She does everything you tell her to do.
SS— Sometimes she spreads the mayo on his sandwich left to right, instead of right to left. It drives him crazy.
R – Other times, she spreads other things.
V— Yeah, the mayo..
“Bella.” Edward’s voice was very soft. Alice and Emmett looked out their windows. “If you let anything happen to yourself— anything at all — I’m holding you personally responsible. Do you understand that?” (p.203)
LS— “Now, Bella, I know this sounds a bit crazy, but I’m going to let you be responsible for yourself. Just for a little bit, though.”
E— “Don’t do anything stupid. Like falling over. Or trying to drive without me in the car. Or trying to live without me.”
R— Bella: “I’m gonna like, go chill at the malt shop.”
Edward: “DON’T GET RAPED”
the Armourer on 29 August 2009, 00:26 said:
That is Awful, incredibly awful. Patronizing and overprotective. Though most people today seem to want to be coddled and take no responcibility, so it suits the book.
sansafro187 on 29 August 2009, 00:44 said:
Words to live by.
Snow White Queen on 29 August 2009, 01:23 said:
‘I’m holding you personally responsible’.
Implies that Edward usually thinks he’s responsible of Bella. Implies that he doesn’t think she’s capable of taking care of herself (she isn’t, but that’s beside the point.)
Yep, we totally got an equal relationship here.
hmyd.windmere on 29 August 2009, 03:42 said:
The world needs a model relationship such as this one. Now, all of the preteens/teenagers/aging women will know exactly how to have a good relationship.
Hint: just listen to the guy.
Romantic Vampire Lover on 29 August 2009, 05:14 said:
This had me laughing for quite a while… ;) This was quite a nice break from homework; thanks you guys!
Puppet on 29 August 2009, 11:32 said:
xDDD
Finally. :P
Danielle on 29 August 2009, 12:07 said:
“If you let anything happen to yourself— anything at all — I’m holding you personally responsible. Do you understand that?”
I wonder if Edward wrote the sign that says “WARNING: HIGH VOLTAGE. Touching this box will cause INSTANT DEATH. Violators will be prosecuted.”
LucyWannabe on 29 August 2009, 15:16 said:
Their walk was catlike, a gait that seemed constantly on the edge of shifting into a crouch. (p.196)
Huh…I’m trying to figure out how this would look, and the only mental image I’ve got is someone walking in an awkwardly stiff manner, shoulders hunched.
Reggie on 29 August 2009, 16:28 said:
Me, I visualize John Cleese’s silly walk.
M on 29 August 2009, 21:52 said:
Oh I don’t know, but personally it made me think of this guy:
Romantic Vampire Lover on 30 August 2009, 07:17 said:
L! Heh, they reminded me of him as well. ;)
SMARTALIENQT on 30 August 2009, 13:44 said:
That’s a little redundant (if you let anything happen to yourself, it’s your fault?), as well as being stupid. Also, seeing as someone has already tried to rape her:
Bella: Oh, no! I am raped!
Edward: And it’s ALL YOUR FAULT!
weeps for the world
Danielle on 30 August 2009, 16:01 said:
@ SMARTALIENQT:
I think it’s more like this…
Bella: Oh no! I got raped!
Edward: You mustn’t blame yourself, Bella…even though it IS all your fault….
Koko on 23 September 2009, 20:47 said:
Haha just caught up with all of this, And I have to say, I laughed harder then I ever have before. I agree with your points, Continue please.
helvengurl on 29 September 2009, 08:47 said:
Do you have a sparkle count?
You should have a sparkle count….
I’m glad I’m not the only one who could spend hours making fun of them and CP. hahaha.
Have you yet poked fun at him for writing the final third of Brisingr in long hand?(I mean, QUILL AND F*CKIN’ INK POT! WTF IS WRONG WITH THIS DUDE? HAS HE FORGOTTEN ABOUT WORD PROCESSORS? After all, that may have something to do with the obsene amount of typos in it. He seriously should fire his editor.)
CosmicLatte on 29 December 2009, 23:16 said:
“Bella.” Edward’s voice was very soft. Alice and Emmett looked out their windows. “If you let anything happen to yourself— anything at all — I’m holding you personally responsible. Do you understand that?”
Alice and Emmett look away because… what? They know he’s going to bitch-slap her or something? O_o And they have innocent virgin eyes and therefore can’t watch their brother smack his girlfriend?
I’m confused. So violence and female subordination are considered perfectly normal things in Edward’s household, but they can’t watch it being employed in real life?
STEPHENIE MEYERS STRIKES AGAIN!! [triumphant music]
SKB on 8 February 2010, 13:59 said:
I think that, along with your “balance fail”, “cream count”, “statue count”, and “heart attack count”, you should have a “lie count” (despite the fact she tells us she doesn’t like to lie), and a “inconsistency/contradiction count” on SM’s part.
fffan on 28 February 2010, 00:24 said:
Who’s Elanor? I’ve heard her (I’m assuming it’s a her) name once or twice, but I’ve never seen any articles written by her.
LNH* on 20 May 2010, 04:06 said:
HAHAHAHAHA god, I am so attracted to R right now.
Funniest shit ever; really made my day.
Lauren on 1 June 2010, 00:51 said:
You guys seem to be done with these, which is really sad, but I just want to let you know that there is at least one person (and realistically probably quite a few others) who think Everything Wrong With Twilight is HILARIOUS and would love to see it continued.
Puppet on 1 June 2010, 11:45 said:
I know it’s been quite a while since our last EWW update, due to school and life. But now that summer is here there should be more EWW’s coming soon.
Lord Snow on 1 June 2010, 16:59 said:
Yeah. I have been very busy this year. We are planning on continuing it this summer, though.
Meem on 3 October 2011, 09:11 said:
How did she EVER actually get her books published?