{Author’s note: Okay, I admit there is something Paolini and I have in common. We both like to rip off pay homage to things we enjoy. One of the things I enjoy are the ‘abridged’ series you can find drifting over the internet, particularly Yu Gi Oh and DragonballZ. Since Eragon doesn’t have a series at the moment (and let that thought keep you awake at night), I decided to ply my trade at doing a written abridgement of the books.}
“Wow, that was some battle wasn’t it?” gasped Stu as he surveyed the mountains of corpses.
“Hey look!” exclaimed the Evil Twins. “Some Urgals are getting away!”
“How dare they retreat! After them!” screamed Stu with great bloodlust.
So Stu, Evil Twins, Leader, and Murgoth go chasing after the Urgals, but then they are ambushed!
“Oh noes!” cried Stu. “Don’t they know we beat them? These guys aren’t playing fair at all.”
“Quit your whinin’ and help me!” screamed Leader as he and some red shirts were overwhelmed.
Stu tried to get there in time but was only in time to cradle the dying Leader in his arms. “No!” cried Stu. “You’re dying and Murgoth and the Evil Twins are missing. Why oh why am I such a screw up?”
“Because,” croaked Leader, “we must kick off the plot. Fear not Stu. I go to where the author cannot hurt me.”
And there was great mourning among all the good and decent characters that night.
———————————————
The next day, a lot of boring political stuff occurs, made doubly boring because everyone knows how it will end anyway: the hot warrior princess is now in charge. While the resistance feels a swelling of… pride, Stu makes a decision.
“Oh hot elf, Arya. Will you lead me to the elves so that I might become more awesome?” he begged.
Arya glared at him. “I sense a thinly veiled plot to stare at my ass for several days.”
Stu blushed. “Well… um… my back!” he cried out, falling to the ground, twitching. “Oh, I was wounded in battle and now am wracked with pains!”
“I’m still getting some chaperones,” said Arya.
———————————————
Meanwhile, in a different book, Roran comes back to find his dad dead, home destroyed, and baseball card collection stolen. If life didn’t suck enough, he then learns that the king’s soldiers are after him.
“Oh, so now the entire village will follow the path of Stu and become reluctant rebels,” said the Audience as they began flipping further into the book. “Let’s move on.”
———————————————
“Let’s go!” growled Stu’s dragon, Saphira. “Seems like we’ve been planning this trip for days.”
“But I don’t think the people realize how special I am,” whined Stu.
“Behold a gift for which we’ve never bestowed on a non-dwarf!” shouted the dwarf king, Drunky as he bestowed on Stu a gift that had never been given to a non-dwarf.
“We will now upend decades of effort, tradition, and procedure that you, who have been with us for only a week, might decide our governing leadership,” exclaimed the leader of the rebels.
“May we get a shot of you and the dragon for propaganda?” pleaded a journalist.
“…now we can leave,” beamed Stu.
“But we need you to finish all this,” said the rebels simultaneously.
Stu suddenly fell to the ground. “My back! I was wounded in battle and now am wracked with pains!”
“Oh dear,” said a little old lady.
———————————————
The next day the fellowship group departs and heads to the land of the elves. Along the way they stop at a dwarf town and involve themselves in more politics because C-SPAN is consistently the highest rated cable channel. All is going typically until Arya gets into an argument with a dwarf priest.
“Don’t you know religion is stupid?” she sneered.
“What? How dare you say that! Let me now play the stereotype religious person for your typical internet debate!” said the dwarf with great outrage.
“Atheism is so superior and wonderful. You can tell because the most beautiful and wonderful races practice it,” countered Arya.
“But why are you an atheist?” demanded the dwarf.
“Because the author is.”
“Isn’t he our god?” asked Stu. “And if there are no gods, where did true names come from? What’s your dominant theory for the origins of life or existence? Why are the scientific dwarves religious and the magical elves atheist? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?”
Arya laughed with the sound of water falling over cliché. “Silly Stu. You have so much to learn.”
Stu stared at her breasts, glass-eyed and slack-jawed.
A few days later the trio set out on the river to continue their journey. The dwarf looked at Stu and asked, “How about you help rowing?”
Stu suddenly collapsed on the boat. “My back! I was wounded in battle and now am wracked with pains!”
Arya rolled her eyes. “Fine, stupid, here, and I will do all the work.”
———————————————
After many more boring days, the trio finally reaches the elf land of Na Mewaytoolongden. The place is beautiful and pretty, filled with trees and flowers and happy animals.
“Wow, this place is really beautiful and pretty,” noted Stu.
“The beauty of this beautiful place warms even my cynical heart,” added the dwarf.
Stu then realized that Arya was staring at him.
“What is it?” he wondered.
“I thought you were about to use some cheesy pick-up line on me,” answered the hot elf babe.
“Oh! Well in that case—”
“Don’t!”
“Hullo there!” Stu looked up to see some more elves greeting them.
“Hi!” Stu waved back.
“Come, let us lead you into the beautiful and pretty land of the elves while we demonstrate how superior we are to you pitiful humans,” said the greeting party.
“Well it’s so obviously true, I can’t argue, disagree or complain about your racism!” expressed Stu with a stupid grin.
Later that evening they meet the queen and all other elves.
“Hey everybody!” said Stu.
“Wow! Your referencing of Simpsons make us recognize you as almost awesome as we are,” said all the elves in unison.
“Please, show me what I can do to be as awesome as you beautiful, wonderful elves,” Stu pleaded.
He heard a strange, yet familiar voice behind him. “Train, you must.”
TO BE CONTINUED
Snow White Queen on 12 April 2009, 17:08 said:
And why CP needed all that paper is beyond me. You said it much more succintly…and in a much more entertaining way.
Adam on 12 April 2009, 17:12 said:
That was great! I especially liked the recurring “back” excuse.
Also, that sentence comes closer to describing Eragon than any others I can think of right now.
Devin Monahan on 12 April 2009, 17:32 said:
“Arya laughed with the sound of water falling over cliché.”
Pure brilliance.
Spanman on 12 April 2009, 18:37 said:
All the substitutes for the word “said” are terrific. XD
Legion on 12 April 2009, 19:52 said:
Eldest = Eragon’s quest to grow a penis so he can fuck Arya with it.
Puppet on 12 April 2009, 21:04 said:
This isn’t that funny…
Some tips:
Don’t use the same joke over and over.
TO BE CONTINUED
God no, plus the scenes should be a bit longer.
Sorry, but please think a bit longer next time, and again don’t use the same joke over and over again.
Snow White Queen on 12 April 2009, 21:26 said:
Puppet: Are you referring to the ‘Oh, my back is wracked with pain!’ joke when you say NW is using the same joke over and over?
Iseult on 12 April 2009, 22:42 said:
I actually thought the repeated back excuse joke was good. Loved this; hope you do the whole book.
Spanman on 13 April 2009, 00:38 said:
Yeeeah, because Eragon pulled the ‘my back is wracked with pain!’ trick about a hundred times during Eldest.
Snow White Queen on 13 April 2009, 00:40 said:
Poor NW- between this and Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate, you’re up to your neck in bad literature.
Sing on 13 April 2009, 03:33 said:
I rofled. For 5 minutes. Because we all know Eragon is 8B thanks to Kittie’s delightful masterpiece.
And I liked the repeated back excuse. It wasn’t overused to the point of being wearily pounded into our heads or anything.
sansafro on 13 April 2009, 04:01 said:
The repeated joke was fine.
It would be like using a joke repeatedly every time Eragon faints or gets knocked out when CP can’t think of a way to transition between scenes. The repetition of the joke is only lampshading the frequency of the occurrence it is describing.
swenson on 16 April 2009, 14:37 said:
Heh, great. I’m sure this… interpretation… isn’t quite what CP was going for, but it’s infinitely more entertaining! Do continue.
Hmm, do you think the “oh my back is wracked with pain pity me” excuse will work on my boss?
Rand on 16 April 2009, 23:04 said:
“Because,” croaked Leader, “we must kick off the plot. Fear not Stu. I go to where the author cannot hurt me.”
and
“What? How dare you say that! Let me now play the stereotype religious person for your typical internet debate!” said the dwarf with great outrage.
are very, very funny. Good job on this! I loves.
SMARTALIENQT on 25 May 2009, 20:00 said:
I loved this! My favorite line: “My back! I was wounded in battle and now am wracked with pains!”
I actually literally lol’d there.
Durandalski on 4 June 2009, 15:11 said:
This is so much more entertaining than the real Eldest. The repeated ‘Oh my back is wracked with pains” excuse is hilarious. I’d keep going, but there are too many good lines. :)
Roy on 25 May 2010, 12:23 said:
Wow, some people obviously have way too much free time on their hands. Pretty sad that some people still continue to read the books despite the fact that they obviously hate this Paolini guy’s work. Normal people avoid what they dislike…. I guess some of you didn’t get that memo. But by all means continue spending time reading books you hate so you can bash them on the net with all your cool internet friends. Rofl.
Arska on 25 May 2010, 12:50 said:
Wow Roy, congrats on missing the point. It’s a literature site- we discuss the path that literature is taking. Unfortunately, with crap like this quickly taking over the literary world, we don’t have many bright spots. You’ll see positive reviews, but sometimes books are just so damn bad that even though they are funny at points- others are like sticking your fist in a wood chipper. If you would like to write an article lauding Eragon, go ahead. Please, link me to it. I’ll read and give you my honest opinion on the article, and I won’t include the whole condescending vibe you seem so willing to promote in relation to us.
Puppet on 25 May 2010, 16:03 said:
Again, part of the reason, as you would say, is for the LOL value. We are mostly a writing community here. By tearing this terrible book apart we are educating ourselves on how not to write.
Plus, it’s painfully obvious that you fans of the Cycle spend far more time obsessing over the series then we do hating it. In the process of tearing it apart, we are learning how to write. What are you learning?
Danielle on 25 May 2010, 16:11 said:
Uh….that vegan agnostic hippy elves are sexy no matter what? Tortured, unconcious, covered in hair….they’re all extremely sexy and we should try to be more like them because they are awesome.
Oh! Oh! And dragons are cool.
And swords!
And confrontations where everyone but the hero knows what’s going to happen because we’ve seen it all before a million times with different characters! Those are WICKED!!!
Nate Winchester on 25 May 2010, 16:12 said:
@Roy Also, I never read Eldest so your point fails.