Introduction
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, I present to you a Sue among Sues! A shining example of the worst that YA fiction has to offer! The most unsympathetic protagonist this side of Bella Swan! I present to you Zoey Redbird! Watch as she commits sociopathic acts that would make Rose Potter burn with envy! Marvel at the sexist and childish worldbuilding! Tremble at the knowledge that this is a popular novel.
I am, of course, speaking of the House of Night series, written by the mother-daughter team of PC Cast and Kristen Cast. Here to be referred to as Mommy Cast and Baby Cast.
This hybrid of Harry Potter and Twilight takes the worst of both novels without using the redeeming parts of Harry Potter and overusing the biggest mistakes of Twilight. Yet it is extremely popular to its target audience, who rush to defend it at the slightest criticism and don’t seem to notice that the Sue is talking down about…pretty much everyone.
Another thing of note in this series is that Baby Cast admits boldfaced to having based the main character off of herself as a teenager, as if this is a good thing. What this says about herself as a teenager, I’m not really going to discuss. As a writer, it just says that she’s pretty bad, and her mother is either just as clueless or clever enough to know that Self-Insert + Wangst + Male!Harem = Money.
Yes, this series actually involves the girl having about three boyfriends. And this is OK. Oh, and one of them is apparently her teacher. But that’s another book.
Here we begin the train wreck known as House of Night: Marked.
Cover Impression
This was an embarrassment to have on the bus to class. Seriously. It looked like I was reading porn or something, and then some guy sat there smirking at me at one time and…
Alright.
Other than the fact that it looks like porn, the cover is pretty bland. It’s just a girl with most of her face cut off staring at the reader. There’s only a black background with some greyish designs and honestly, it just looks boring.
The reason I’m calling this out is that for all that people say don’t judge a book by it’s cover, we tend to do just that.
Think about it: at the store, the books are all competing with one another to catch your attention. They have to have something interesting on the front or else you’re just going to pass it over. That’s why these girls in prom dresses tend to be a bad idea for a novel right now. They all look so much alike that they blend together. With this one, while the girl’s dead white skin is an OK contrast for the black background, wouldn’t hold my attention.
City of Bones does a better job with its giant shirtless guy. At least he’s memorable. This is truthfully, one of the worst covers that I’ve seen for a book.
Plot
Taken from Amazon:
The House of Night series is set in a world very much like our own, except in 16-year-old Zoey Redbird’s world, vampyres have always existed. In this first book in the series, Zoey enters the House of Night, a school where, after having undergone the Change, she will train to become an adult vampire—that is, if she makes it through the Change. Not all of those who are chosen do. It’s tough to begin a new life, away from her parents and friends, and on top of that, Zoey finds she is no average fledgling. She has been Marked as special by the vampyre Goddess, Nyx. But she is not the only fledgling at the House of Night with special powers. When she discovers that the leader of the Dark Daughters, the school’s most elite club, is misusing her Goddess-given gifts, Zoey must look deep within herself for the courage to embrace her destiny—with a little help from her new vampyre friends.
My version:
We start with a quote from Hesiod, talking about the “gloomy house of night” which is obviously where Mommy and Baby Cast came up with this title. It also shows that, like most people when dealing with these kinds of quotes, they completely missed the point. Hesiod wasn’t overly positive towards Nix, personification of night in very early Greek mythology, no one is usually positive about night time.
So, we start the story with our protagonist Zoey Montgomery talking to her friend Kayla in the hall of an unnamed school and whining because her boyfriend (or rather kind of, sort of boyfriend as Zoey constantly reminds us) got drunk at a party the night before and she wanted to go home. The reason she doesn’t like it when he drinks is not because it’s bad for him or because he’s going to get himself killed the moment that he decides that he can drive when he’s drunk, it’s because she finds a beer gut unattractive.
It’s good to know that we have a protagonist with her priorities straight.
Kayla agrees, but says that he’s cute, so that’s fine. Zoey whines about how shallow Kayla is and how she’s so much better than her. We’re four paragraphs in, and I hate Zoey.
As they go to her locker, Zoey suddenly sees a dead guy, as she calls him, hanging around it who touches her, says some mystical mumbo jumbo about having been chosen or something by Nix, and Zoey blacks out. When she comes too, Kayla is standing over her, asking if she’s ok, but refusing to touch her. Zoey suddenly notices that she’s got a crescent moon on her forehead. Kind of like Sesshomaru or Sailor Moon. Only blue. This is apparently a big deal since everyone’s now staring at her including a guy who is
a tall thin dork with messed-up teeth, which I could, unfortunately, see too much of because he was standing there with his mouth flapping open staring at me like I’d just given birth to a litter of flying pigs
Keep in mind that Baby Cast has flat said that Zoey is based on her when she was a teenager. This does not speak well for Baby Cast.
This Mark, as it’s called, apparently means that she’s going to turn into a vampire. Here called vampyre. In the words of Linkara: because poor literacy is kewl. Apparently in this world, this is an everyday occurrence yet people, being shallow minded, evil, intolerant, patriarchal, are still afraid of them. Being a vampire means that unless Zoey goes to the Super Special Awesome House of Night, she’ll croak.
Don’t get excited, she gets there in time.
So, Zoey continues to whine about how life has misused her, mentions that the whole ‘Marking’ thing could have killed her, has a completely pointless meeting with her kind of boyfriend and goes home. Her boyfriend, incidentally, is roughly as dumb as dirt.
As she goes home, Zoey examines herself in the mirror and starts to rub that fact that she’s part Cherokee in the reader’s face. I will discuss this at a later time, but I will mention that those traits are recessive, and as she’s only a quarter Cherokee, chances are she wouldn’t look at all like one. Other than maybe getting the really thick hair that’s hard to work with like my mom has since she’s a forth Chippewa. Also, she mentions how it makes her look like an “exotic” Native American.1
This is racist.
Zoey gives us an infodump about how awful her family is. Apparently, her mother recently remarried someone who Zoey dislikes. And that’s Evil TM since Zoey is the definition of morality in this world. She refers to the man as the step-loser. She also as a younger “troll like” brother and “slut…Barbie clone” older sister. We never see these siblings, and their crimes are: liking violent video games2 and being a cheerleader.
And that’s terrible.
Obviously Mommy Cast has just gotten on board with the video games as the epitome of all evil, and Baby Cast didn’t like cheerleaders.
Zoey’s mother apparently used to be fun since she read ‘exotic novels’ AKA porn and wore makeup, but since she got married she won’t do that anymore. Because the evil Man won’t let her. Zoey’s stepfather is a fundamentalist Christian of the parody kind and doesn’t approve, and her mother got a personality transplant and does whatever her hubby tells her.
Because the second you get married, you turn into a mindless drone who only wishes to maintain the patriarchy. Did you know that men are all evil? Unless they’re vampires of course.
Zoey says that she has to go to the House of Night before she dies, Mommy treats the whole thing as if Zoey did it on purpose to annoy her and her husband. Zoey calls Mommy out for loving her husband more than her. Then the stepdad shows up, quotes the Bible for a while, and then tells Zoey to go to her room while he calls the prayer tree. Whatever that is. I get the feeling that the Casts actually have never met a Christian outside of Jack Chick. The Casts also seem to have forgotten about the whole vampire thing in favor of letting Zoey wangst about her family.
In her room, Zoey has a moment of characterization that feels jammed in as she decides what to bring as she runs away to the House of Night. For some reason this involves a lot of bras and thongs. I guess she plans on parading around in them or something. Then she sneaks out the window to go see her grandmother, who she considers her real mother, and get away from the prayer tree which Zoey tells us consists of
fat old women and their beady eyed, pedophile husbands.
Now, now, save some stereotypes for the rest of the characters, ladies.
And, Zoey mentions the real reason the Casts made her family Evil Evangelical Christians. Because this way, Zoey doesn’t have to miss them. Heaven forbid that she feel even the slightest bit of conflict or homesickness when she goes off to romp with the vampires. The Sue of Sues must not be hindered by such things.
Going off to see her grandmother, who lives out in the boonies and drops words in Cherokee every so often, Zoey has some flashbacks about how great Grandma is and how she doesn’t think of her real daughter as her daughter and how Cherokee awesomeness skips some generations, and some over spiritual nonsense that isn’t part of the traditional Cherokee religion.
Funny story, I’ve just finished a class in Native American Literature, where one man named Womack writes about how he was at a poetry convention on a reservation, and he was getting sick of angsty poems written about super magical Native American grandmothers who he didn’t think existed.
So anyways, Zoey starts to feel sick when she’s in the sun, but she, being stupid, goes out into the middle of Grandma’s country property, which from the descriptions has a couple hundred acres of land on it, manages to start climbing over some bluffs, fall, get hit on the head, and sees some vision of Cherokee dancing around the fire.
Kind of like the scene in Hildalgo, but lame.
Then she has some kind of smack induced hallucination about a beautiful woman appearing in front of her, kissing her on the forehead and then embracing her tightly while telling her how special she is and is going to be.
And this has no sexual undertones to it.
At all.
Meet Nyx. She’s going to be our annoying, overly cleaned up version of a mother goddess today. She’ll pop in and out from time to time as a voice in Zoey’s head, offering her sage like advice that really doesn’t help her too much. You should be grateful that I’m not going to mention her too much.
Zoey suddenly wakes up in gothic looking hospital room that has gaslights for some reason or other, and a woman is looking her over along with Grandma, who apparently found Zoey before she died. Shame. The woman introduces herself as Neferet, the high priestess of Nyx.
Neferet calls Zoey by the name Zoey Redbird, and Zoey mentions that her father’s name was Montgomery, which is oddly worded since that would be her name too. Neferet tells her that vampires get to chose their own names when they get marked. This sounds like a really bad idea. Actually, this concept was covered decently in Skulduggery Pleasant where they talked about people choosing names and the mistakes that they made. Anyways, Zoey ditches her father’s last name and goes with her Super Special Awesome Native American one.
Then Zoey shills Neferet for a while and mentions that she’s
what all vampyres are, more than human —stronger, smarter, more talented.
Have I mentioned how much I hate stories about supernatural creatures that are just so much better than humanity? Particularly when it’s the species that the Sue has become/is about to become. It just screams that Baby Cast is upset because she’s not as successful as she thinks that she deserves to be.
Apparently, while she was asleep, Zoey’s mark was suddenly filled in so that in stead of an outline of a moon, it’s a full crescent moon tattoo on her forehead, which looks even more like Sailor Moon or Sesshomaru. This is only something adults have, and has never happened before to anyone but her.
Excuse me while I go vomit.
So, Grandma leaves, Zoey and Neferet walk through the school, we learn that the People of Faith, as our lovely little Christian group is called, used to own this property as a monastery. We get some shilling their mother goddess based religion, and out of nowhere, Zoey thinks about how awesome it would be to be high priestess.
That was foreshadowing. In case you didn’t notice.
Then Zoey, out of nowhere, sees a girl trying to give a guy a blow job.
I am not making this up.
This scene comes out of absolutely nowhere and it does next to nothing other than allow Zoey to preach about her incorruptible pure pureness (despite the thongs) and have some shaming our our soon to be Scary Sue.
Passing by the random scene, Zoey manages to get to the dorm room, which seems to have a common room, and meets a blonde3 girl who named herself Aphrodite. She was the girl from the random scene that happened before, where the Casts tried to raise the rating or something. Zoey thinks about how pretentious her name is and wastes no time in whining about how icky and mean Aphrodite is. Thus making herself sound like a shill harpy.
Aphrodite is polite, if disinterested, and Zoey is acting all prissy. Then we have some…unrealistic dialog like
this place is cool because I’m cool.
I wonder if Mommy Cast and Baby Cast have ever heard an actual human speak.
So, Zoey is directed to her room where we have a stereotypical cowgirl waiting for her to be her roommate. And, like everyone good in this novel, she instantly loves Zoey. Her name is Stevie Rae.
They go down to eat, have it mentioned that vampires do in fact drink blood4 and meet the rest of Zoey’s new, cool, vampire friends. They consist of a good blonde who loves shoes named Erin, Damien, who “doesn’t count as a guy” because he is so camp gay that I’m surprised that he doesn’t wear a pink filly tutu everywhere, and a Token Black Girl named Shawnee whose characterization is so completely indistinguishable from Erin’s that they call one another ‘twin’. They all exist to mindlessly shill Zoey and hate Aphrodite and her group who call themselves the Dark Daughters. Apparently, the head of the Dark Daughters is going to be the next high priestess of Nyx, something that Zoey, in the space of five minutes after meeting Neferet had her eyes on.
That’s about it.
Moving on, we have classes, such as vampire sociology which has little to do with any actual sociology and more about how awesome their straw feminist, preachy, society is and how evil the patriarchal human society is. Now, in the hands of a decent writer, this might have been interesting. Say, as a way to show a kind of integration and assimilation process where the students are taught to hate humans and their former humanity. Zoey, who at first completely buys into this whole thing, would have to learn to rebel against it as she learns just how wrong it is.
Naturally, that’s not going to happen.
Later, Zoey meets a girl called Elizabeth in drama class who is nice. She also meets Erik, who is our trophy boyfriend, and reads one of Othello’s soliloquies about Desdemona to her.
Being that Othello brutally suffocates Desdemona, I’m not sure if this is supposed to be Romantic or Foreshadowing. Personally, I think the Casts just don’t know what they’re talking about.
He’s hot though, and he was the guy involved in the random blow job. So therefore, he’s important. Elizabeth says that he’s off limits because he’s Aphrodite’s ex. I am sensing a chick flick moment coming up here. After class, all her friends are thrilled by how interested in Erik Zoey is since they have no lives outside of her. Then they go to English class where the fact that the teacher lived during, but not through, the sinking of the Titanic. This is treated like the Most Tragic Thing Ever5 and Zoey get’s shilled for having watched Titanic. Then they bash Dickens for no other reason then that Baby Cast didn’t like Great Expectations, shill Walter Lord’s A Night to Remember6, and Zoey see’s…an ugly guy. The ugly guy is asleep and seems pale and pasty, and Zoey immediately thinks that he’s gross because he’s a normal teenager and has zits and questionable hygiene.
The teacher calls him out for sleeping, and tells him that he’s failing in life. This would get this teacher into a lot of trouble in the real world, but here it is treated as completely justified. Because he’s ugly. His name is Elliot. Remember it. No one else will.
As it turns out, Zoey gets herself invited to the Dark Daughters meeting, since they’re apparently supposed to be a big deal, and Neferet likes Zoey. This is after a nightly service (I think it’s nightly. The Casts aren’t too clear on it.) about the moon. It involves a pentacle and the joining five elements of fire, earth, wind, air, and spirit. Oh, and some dancing from Neferet.
It also kind of reminds me of a cheap knock off of Holy Communion since they’re passing around a communal cup of wine that you have to respond to.7 Zoey treats this ceremony as the most amazing thing ever.
Then we see the Dark Daughter’s service.
It’s pretty much the same as the other one, only it involves Marijuana incense8 and Aphrodite doing a seductive dance thing towards the Sons of Darkness (the male branch that doesn’t do anything other than look hot). It actually seems more like a mother goddess fertility rite than the sanitized Disney version that the Casts are pushing.
Zoey is aghast at the whole thing, but she still sits there and takes a drink from the cup that’s being past around like the last time. This cup is apparently filled with either a drug or the best drink ever since Zoey pretty much goes into ecstasy when she has it. Then Aphrodite, laughing at her, admits that it’s blood. The blood of Elliot the ugly person, who apparently gets drained every night. Every. Stinking. Night.
And the teachers don’t care. And Mommy cast and Baby Cast don’t seem to get the repressions of blood loss and treat his blood loss induced exhaustion as if it’s his being lazy.
I hate you both, Casts. I hate you, and I hate your story. Shame on you for treating a person like this. Shame of you for making the only thing that Zoey is even upset by in all of this is that his ugly blood is now coursing through her.
May you be ranked with Eye of Argon in the future.
And I’m not sure if I’m insulting Eye of Argon.
Zoey goes outside and wangsts about how mean that Aphrodite is being. Then, in a rare scene that shows that Mommy Cast can actually write, she sees what looks like the demonically possessed Elizabeth, who is briefly mentioned as having died suddenly. Because apparently, these kids can die at any time after they’ve been Marked. And no one cares. Not even them for the most part.
Then the ghost or disappears and Erik shows up and flirts with her for a while. Zoey is happy since he’s not interested in Aphrodite, and he’s telling her how special she is, and the Casts apparently think that all geeks/dork love Star Wars since he thinks that the fact that he likes the old trilogy is the height of nerdiness. He asks Zoey on a date. Zoey is happy and Erik goes away.
And then her human friends show up out of nowhere. Apparently, they wanted to rescue her, so they tracked her down and scaled the wall to see if she was alright. It’s kind of cute, even if they’re treated like they’re denser than rocks, and the Casts try to assure me that it’s only Heath who cares about Zoey (because he loves her). Kayla, her former best friend, is just a jerk who wants to date Heath and keep Zoey away from her harem. Heath still is as dumb as dirt and manages to get a cut. This makes Zoey bite him and start draining his blood.
Kayla, naturally, gets upset by this, ends up attracting attention, and the next thing Zoey knows she’s in front of Neferet.
Don’t get your hopes up, she’s not going to punish Zoey. Neferet doesn’t care. She ‘subtlety’ hints that she’s going to be a villain later because she hates humans outright instead of thinking their stupid but paying lip service to them. After that she, shills Zoey for being special enough to have blood cravings when she’s just a few days into being a vampire.
Also, something called Imprinting is mentioned but not explained. This does not bode well. It seems to involve humans and vampires.
Zoey gets to call her grandmother, gets told how special she is again, and suddenly Granny is a Nyx worshiper too! Yay?
Then she has another vision of Nyx who shills her, and even the vague conflict that she’d had about biting her ex is gone completely. Now she’s planning on…humiliating Aphrodite and taking control Dark Daughters away from her.
Nice.
So, she and her friends sneak unto the grounds the next night and hold a ‘Cherokee ritual’ that is somehow connected to the moon ritual that they had the last night, end up channeling all the elements, (which makes her even more speshul since no one’s ever been able to that before), finds out that each of her friends can channel one (as in a singular) element, and they plan on doing this to somehow make Aphrodite look stupid.
Maybe because she’s supposed to be the only one who can. I’m not sure. The book was really confusing about what their plan actually was. Maybe Mommy Cast wanted to make it sound…interesting.
So moving on, the next day in English, while Zoey is gushing over A Night to Remember, Elliot the ugly guy suddenly starts coughing up blood and collapses. He has an extremely tragic scene where he begs the teacher to tell his mother and father what happened, and they take him away. Neferet appears, tells the class that yes, this can happen to any and all of them, and goes on her way.
In the dorm, Zoey doesn’t care. She thinks that while it’s scary that they could die, he was ugly and annoying, slept during class due to blood loss and didn’t show any interest in being a ‘consort and protector’ the way that vampire men are supposed to be. Therefore, his life was worthless anyways.
Charming, no?
That night, she sees a demonically possessed version of Elliot that seems to be looking for something. He attacks, but gets called off by something before he can do anything. This is…actually a decent tie in for the next book, since it’s not explained and there’s a feeling that there’s still unanswered questions. Or that the plot might actually start there and not this glorified high school drama.
So, the next day, there’s another meeting of the Dark Daughters for Samhain, and Zoey tags along since she wants to somehow humiliate her. The celebration involves sneaking into a museum in the middle of the night and setting up their ceremony. I don’t know either. Aphrodite summons evil spirits because she doesn’t like humans and wants to commune with the evil spirits about how bad people are and then do nothing. Then Heath shows up again. He’s completely drunk and suddenly obsessed with Zoey to an utterly creepy level. I guess that was the Imprinting thing.
Why does Imprinting always involve mind rape?
So, Heath decides to try to drag Zoey back to the normal world, manages to step into the little magic circle, which is bad, and all the evil spirits decide to eat him. Zoey, being the Sue, comes in and forces the evil spirits back, gets her friends, who were all there for some reason, get into position for her to join the elements again, and gets the spirits to go away. Then she tells Aphrodite that she’s taking control of the Dark Daughters. Aphrodite says that it doesn’t matter if she can make the elements tap dance, it takes Neferet to make someone the leader or not.
Naturally, Neferet shows up, publically humiliates Aphrodite, and declares Zoey and most speshul snowflake this side of the North Pole. So, now, in less than a week, Zoey has taken Aphrodite’s, position, friends, boyfriend, reputation, and relationship with someone who was supposed to be training her to be high priestess.
I actually kind of feel sorry for the girl.
Oh, and Zoey’s Mark is even more special now. It looks like a big tattoo, and everyone tells her how beautiful and special she looks.
Gag me with a spoon.
Characters
Zoey Redbird is repulsive. She actually does next to nothing in this entire novel but sneer at other people for being dorks and pat herself on the back for being as awesome as she is. She frequently halts the narrative in order to preach to the audience on the evils of sex before marriage and pot. Her claimed interest in her Cherokee heritage is really just a way to rebel against her mother, and many of the comments she makes about the Cherokee, such as how exotic and magical they are, shows me that she knows absolutely nothing about the actual Cherokee religion. Next, for all her claims of tolerance, she feels no pity, sorrow or anything with someone dies right in front of her. She is the Sueyist Jerk Sue that I’ve ever come in contact with in published fiction. And that includes Bella Swan and Eragon.
Erik is…not really present for most of the novel, and that’s a good thing. It seems like guys who don’t turn up much in these books tend to be more likable. He seems nice enough, but the problem is, since I don’t know much about him, and the only real times I see him are when he’s shilling Zoey. He seems more like a trophy than a person. Erik exists to be shown off by the queen bee of the school, and that is the extent of his purpose. His interests and goals are mentioned, but it’s clear that they are not important to either of his girlfriends. He’s hot, and no matter how much he tries to have a personality, it’s going to be ignored for the sake of mentioning how hot he is. I pity the guy.
Damien is our token gay guy, and he is worse than Alec from the Mortal Instruments in that regard. Being gay is literally his only major character trait. He is constantly referred to as somehow not being male or as being feminine in appearance. I’m just waiting for him to talk with a lisp and call everyone “dahling” or something. This character is proof as to why, if you cannot handle writing a certain kind of character, you shouldn’t write them. It is ten times worse than not having a gay character at all if this is all you can do. This holds true for minorities and pretty much everyone else. If you cannot write them without relying on stereotypes, then don’t.
Aphrodite is actually the most interesting character in this story. Which I know is a mistake. She’s set up as the average mean girl who the good new girl dethrones and makes life better for everyone and thus fulfills Baby Cast’s personal high school fantasy. However, she is also mentioned as having the ability to get visions of the future and is the only character who has a clue that Neferet is most likely evil and manipulating the situation and Zoey. She’s also the only one who actually admits that she hates humans as opposed to constantly saying that they’re stupid and then paying them lip service. In the right hands, she’d be an interesting rival character or antihero.
Zoey’s other friends really aren’t worth a lot of comment. They are boring and have few traits of their own that make them distinguishable from one another. I tended to get their names confused while I was reading. They mostly exist only to tell Zoey how awesome she is and how much she deserves to go and take over the Dark Daughters. They are only good because the morality of this world is completely protagonist centered. As people they’re all rather shallow, whiny, stupid and backstabbing, but they like Zoey, so everything’s OK.
Native Americans
It’s funny since I’ve just taken a class about this. The basic point of the class is that it is wrong, morally, ethically, ecumenically, or any other way, to use Native Americans in fiction when you’ve done no research on them. While the Casts might feel that they’re good people for making the Native Americans more spiritually gifted then the icky, patriarchal white people, all they have done in reaffirm that the two races cannot be reconciled, and it is only a ‘White Messiah’ who can protect their culture.
Many Native American writers would like to inform the Casts that they are perfectly capable of protecting their own culture without their continuing to misrepresenting them to teenagers, who might actually believe that this is what Native Americans really act like and believe.
Themes
All men are evil or stupid unless they are hot. Then they are merely useless. Gay people are not to be considered any real sex at all.
You can waltz in and take the entire life of another person for yourself, as long as you think that they’re mean and you deserve it.
Ugliness deserves death. Particularly when it’s combined with being annoying, sleeping in class, or doing anything that you don’t like.
I’m not even making this up. These are pretty much the morals of this book. I dare you to find one theme to this whole thing that does not have horrid implications.
Setting
There is little about this setting that really holds up. We are apparently in some kind of alternate universe where vampires do and always have existed, and they apparently are so wonderful and powerful and awesome that all writers, singers, actors, and artists are vampires. Taking aside the gross and obnoxious ‘humans are icky’ mentality of this book, this makes very little sense.
Vampires are, if not immortal, going to live a very long time.
So, modern writers could be completing with Shakespeare, Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, and other extremely talented writers that would still be coming up with stuff. Modern actors would be working against Cary Grant and Bob Hope as well Marilyn Monroe and Greta Garbo. Modern artists would have to face the likes of Da Vinci. It would be nearly impossible to break into this kind of market with this kind of talent already there. It would be positively flooded with art, books, movies, songs, and everything else from amazingly talented people, and while SMeyer and Paopao might not have been published, Charles Dickens also might have had trouble. Also, there’s no way to guarantee that history would he progressed the way it did. If certain people stayed alive, a lot of mindsets or ideas might have stayed the same longer. For all we know, we’d still be fighting with slavery.
The whole system would be paralyzed.
Now, lets talk about reproduction. Apparently, vampires can reproduce in this world with the frequency of people. And they live for centuries. Hello, overpopulation.
Sexism
I would like to state something right now: a matriarchal system is just as inherently sexist as a patriarchal one. It is still holding one sex above the other and saying that they are superior and the other is weak/useless. This pseudo Wicca does the same thing in reverse as the Casts accuse the Christians of doing.
One tell tale sign of this is that males are seen as ‘protectors and consorts’ to the female vampires, but have little actual power, and this is treated as not only fair but the way things should be. There are no men who aren’t interested in being protectors or consorts. The men seem to be happy with their second-class citizenship, and this is treated not only as a good thing, but as the way things should be.
In the same vein, every human man is either about as intelligent as your average amoeba or are Evil Abusive Sexist Pigs. Because they’re male and not vampires. And that’s terrible. The vampire males are simply useless. They are there to be lusted after and turned into trophies, and have little actual say in much of anything that goes on, and if they are not defined by a woman, then they must be gay.
If we were to reverse this and make this a man talking about women this way as supposed to be ‘nurturers and mothers’ or something like that, we would be offended. Why is this OK?
Mechanics
The Casts seem to have trouble with channeling the voice of a normal teenager. The story is, as usual, written in first person, but the flow of the style changes sometimes, I suppose because suddenly Baby Cast will insist that she knows just how something should sound, and Mommy Cast won’t bother too much to change the style.
The primary problem is, to me, that the word choice is odd and sometimes doesn’t have much continuity. Zoey seems to have no problem with dropping the occasional f-bomb, but then shill drop a phrase like ‘poopie for brains’ or something like that.
If you don’t want to swear, then don’t. There are ways to get around it, but this is just ridiculous.
Another problem with story is the dialog. The Casts don’t seem to really know how teenagers talk outside of Disney movies and chick flicks, which seem to be the extent of their research. The wording is awkward, people say things that no one with any sense would, and when the token gay Damien sometimes drops big words everyone stares at him as if he’s speaking another language. It’s just not well done.
Religion and Mythology
Oh boy. This is a long section this time.
The Casts seem to be suffering from a dreadful disease that I call Lang’s Syndrome. Named for Andrew Lang, who, despite being one of the first people to bother to translate non-European folklore into English, had an irritating tendency to try to jam all folklore into English folklore. Thus calling Chinese dragons fairies at one point. He also liked to oversimplify things and over sanitize them for the minds of the precious children. The ladies are trying to jam world mythology into their monotheistic mother goddess religion, and it doesn’t work well.
Now, as far as Wicca goes, I can’t say for certain if what they’re saying is right or wrong. There are multiple kinds of neo-paganism and Wicca. The older form had a goddess and a god that were consorts, but Dianic Wicca is more like the sacred feminine that we’re seeing here, but it’s a little different. I believe that they are making up their own version based off of Dianic Wicca, and to an degree, I think they actually believe it. That doesn’t mean it works. The same thing goes with some of the symbols that the Casts are using, such as the labyrinth and ever famous pentacle, which actually has some ties to medieval Christianity. They’re trying to make them fit into their world view and it’s pretty awkward.
Next, Nyx has the guts to introduce herself as
Changing Woman, Gaea, A’akuluujjusi, Kuan Yin, Grandmother Spider, and even Dawn…
All of these were (sometimes, in the case of Grandmother Spider) goddesses who were involved with creation. Nyx, goddess of night, had nothing what so ever to do with that in any Greek Myths. Nyx and Gaea were two completely different goddesses who served two completely different functions. Oh, and Gaea had a consort. The sky god Uranus. Because from the sky comes rain which makes crops. Thus: union of earth and sky=life. Night just was kind of there. It did produce Eros according to some stories though. So, no, Nyx had about as much to do with the creation of the universe as me. Also, these goddesses were all members of larger pantheons and their roles in creation would vary from story to story. For instance, there are some Navajo myths (where Grandmother Spider comes from) that say that Coyote made the world, and Grandmother Spider just kind of adopted the Navajo as her children. That’s the problem with trying to make all mythologies fit into one. It doesn’t work.
The same issue holds true for the Cherokee religion, which actually does still exist. They don’t have a supreme goddess. They are the ones who had the Great Spirit called Unelanuhi or “the Apportioner,” who is identified with the sun, and seems to be male. A bit of a far cry from their goddess of night, huh?
Next, to discuss their religion and how it interacts with others. I find it strange that everyone who gets Marked as a vampire suddenly converts to worshipping Nyx. I mean there is not one person who said “thanks, but I’d rather worship Jesus/Allah/Vishnu/no one/everyone” in this whole universe. It makes me wonder if there’s no some kind of mind rape that goes into the entire thing to make them all think alike and join into a hive mind or something…actually, that would have been interesting.
The vampires are more of a chance for Baby Cast to live her dream of being the best at everything and completely beautiful, and, honestly, there’s little that’s actually interesting about them. They have no weaknesses. Even the thing with the sun will eventually go away, leaving them Suetiful people who everyone is a jealous hater of. The Casts can’t make up their minds on whether they’re science based or magic based since they give a scientific explanation and then go into the Nyx stuff.
In the hands of a good writer, this would have been a nice touch, since Zoey could have been confused if seeing Nyx was real or not, but naturally, it’s never explored.
Final Assessment
The fact that this book is popular kills a little of my faith in humanity. The plot is pretty much Mean Girls with Vampires and less conflict, the main character is nothing more that Baby Cast getting the chance to unleash her hatred on everyone she didn’t like in high school, the world itself doesn’t make any sense, the vampires are nothing more than a Sue race and the characterization is so cliche it’s a joke.
Yet it is popular, and people think that it’s interesting. What’s worse is this is the book that most people consider the best out of the entire thing.
So, in light of the holidays, I have one thing to say: Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and if you weren’t good this year, you might find this book in your stocking instead of presents.
Score: 1 of 10 (Well, there was some halfway decent foreshadowing.)
Next up: Anna Dressed in Blood (I know I mentioned Beautiful Creatures, but finals came, and I had to return it before I finished it. I’ll do it later. I promise.)
1 She goes even further with this and mentions how this makes the blood of her people rejoice or some such nonsense. As if the Cherokee were thrilled when one of their own turned into a blood sucking monster that was represented by the personification of night, which like most people, had a pretty negative meaning in their culture.
2 The game in question is Delta Force: Black Hawk Down which she treats as if it’s the most violent, gory game to have ever been created when it’s rated Teen. I wonder if the Casts are related to that one former lawyer that called all video games ‘murder simulators’.
3 Because blonde girls are evil in every Suethor’s fantasy. Seriously, if you’re that jealous, dye your hair or something.
4 This was, according to an interview with the Casts, a ‘nod’ to traditional vampires. It’s a sad and sorry day with Stephanie Meyer knows more about vampires when you do. At least she was aware that that was what made them vampires.
5 I am not saying that the sinking of the Titanic wasn’t something that shocked people and wasn’t a terrible tragedy. I’m saying that her milking being alive during the sinking of the Titanic but not being on it would be like me talking to people about how I was in Colorado at the time of the Columbine shooting, despite the fact that I was about eight or nine and never met a single one of those people.
6 As a note, Walter Lord was never on the Titanic. He rode on the HMS Olympic (the Titanic’s sister ship who had a very long and successful career) which inspired his interest in the ship. However, he did interview several people in order to make the thing more accurate, and it seems that it was legitimately well written and was eventually made into a fairly successful movie. However, I have issue with a character who referred the sinking as an event that changed history, and was so proud of being alive at the time, accepting a book that was published almost fifty years after the event by a man who wasn’t alive at the time of it. Also, it’s not technically literature, just as the Monmouth’s History of the Kings of Britain isn’t literature, no matter how many liberties he took with it.
7 They say “Blessed be” like good, cliché Wiccans. I’m not an expert, but I’m pretty sure that there are other things that they say.
8 Now, as a funny thing to mention, some Native American tribes did actually use marijuana somewhat like this for religious ceremonies. It was supposed to open you up with the spirit world and such. I’m not sure if the Cherokee did this, but you’d think Zoey would know this if she was actually interested in her heritage.
johny on 23 December 2012, 00:02 said:
LOLZ I liked the series initially, not like I was in love with it or anything, but I was going through a vampire thing at the time. but by the time I hit the third book in this (I believe it to be a 12 book) series. I think I was ready to tear my eyes out. but funny dude. I especially loved the “Why does Imprinting always involve mind rape?” But I started the series at like fourteen or something two or three years ago so whatever. And yes, Zoey is such a Marry sue character and I actually like Aphrodite.
I’ve been trying to get my hands on a copy of Anna dressed in blood and the sequel, might happen by new years so I’d love to get your interests on it. and I started the beautiful series. I actually got the first two as presents and I read them. They were… well I’d rather get your opinion on them first before I say anything. And, there’s a movie coming out of the beautiful creatures book. It’s set for sometime in January I believe.
And cool username
Taku on 23 December 2012, 00:27 said:
If this book were a movie, it would be missing both cast and crew.
… Yes, I still think that terrible pun was worth it.
Finn on 23 December 2012, 01:27 said:
Wow.
How cold-hearted and cruel could someone possibly be to write something like that happening and think its okay, without the characters showing even a millimetre of sympathy? I’ve seen characters been mistreated before, but somehow this one shocks me especially. Ugh. I want to burn these books, or vent my anger in some way.
I was often curious as to how bad these books were exactly. Now I know. Zoey is even more of a Sue than I thought possible.
And now I’m also a little tempted to spork them out of vengeance.
Fireshark on 23 December 2012, 02:10 said:
I wonder what actual Wiccans/other neo-pagans think of this sort of publicity. On the one hand they get lots of young people interested in joining their religion, but on the other hand most of them are angsty teens who won’t take it any farther than bragging about their “powers” and putting “Proud to be a witch!” on their Fanfiction.net profiles.
Taku on 23 December 2012, 03:28 said:
From what I know of spiritual witches/wiccans/neo-pagans, they will be absolutely disgusted and insulted by this portrayal of their beliefs. Swankivy has an excellent essay on her website about this kind of shallow nonsense.
Aira on 23 December 2012, 04:35 said:
Hmmm, I’ve never heard anything about native american traits being recessive, but that makes sense now. My dad, for instance, is a fourth cherokee, from both sides, but he’s the only one of his siblings where it really shows, and I literally have no non-european traits from him at all.
Anyway, onto the books. I read most of them for lols, and found them absolutely hilarious. I just ran Zoey through the mary sue test, and got an 89. I didn’t think it was actually possible to write that much of a sue without literally trying. She makes Bella or Clary look like a three-dimensional character. Maybe even a four-dimensional one. She exists only as a mouthpiece for the authors to preach, rant, and live out their speshul snowflake fantasies.
Aphrodite was the only decent character in any of the books. I actually liked her. Apparently, the Casts can only write a good character by accident. She has sympathetic motivations, is a “slut” but is proud of it, suffers a LOT more than Zoey, and is just a better character in general. Of course, when she turns into a good character she starts sliding downhill towards suedom (and stops being “slutty”, which especially annoyed me, nothing says “let’s preach some more!” than causing the girl who sleeps around to be all pure – to the point where she won’t have sex with her boyfriend!- the second she becomes a good character).
The matriarchal system bothers me to no end. As it was said, a matriarchy is not any better than a patriarchy, and will NEVER be. All gender-archies are bad, without exception. The double standard of female-on-male sexism being okay is one of the things I hate the most about fake feminists. That doesn’t mean you can’t write a matriarchy, but actually put some thought into it. Show that it’s just as oppressive towards men as this patriarchy you’re going on about, to both men and women. Gender roles and expectations are bad things, if you want to make a feminist point, talk about that instead, not just make the guys second-class citizens and not have ANY character protest that. (Of course, this IS Cast. If there were, say, masculists or something fighting for gender equality, they’d be inevitably shown in a bad light, so maybe not.)
So basically, no research, no effort, somewhat offensive, and with the worst possible main character ever. Why was this published again?
Pryotra on 23 December 2012, 10:10 said:
The summary of the first half of the first book, before finals called me away: the most bland, boring guy in the Cliche South meets a bland, boring girl with bland, boring powers, and they have a bland, boring romance together, all while making inappropriate comparisons between themselves and To Kill a Mockingbird.
As I said, I’ll get to it later. Hopefully, before the movie comes out. Glad you like my name, and just remember, I’m female.
Do it. After your Nibly spork. They so deserve it. It’s very sporkable. I left out a lot of things that were just stupid for the sake of not boring people.
I’d agree. For one thing, it would attract a bunch of stupid teenage girls who’d probably get bored and leave the second that it turned out that they were Speshul Snowflakes like Zoey, and for another thing, it’s pretty much confirming a lot of stereotypes about them that Marion Zimmer Bradley sometimes pushes.
Meh. I’m not surprised. If a major character trait is that she has no problem with sleeping with guys, it shouldn’t go away unless there’s a very good reason. At least she doesn’t “magically” get her virginity back.
And how. I do think that a ‘masculist’ movement would have been interesting. The vampire men don’t want to be ‘consorts and protectors’ any more and want to be treated not normal people. Sadly if they did that other straw feminists would smell misogyny or something, and it would have to be handled with a great deal of delicacy, research and effort. Otherwise it might turn into something like those Save the Pearls books.
Azure on 23 December 2012, 14:52 said:
Gah, this actually was my first choice of books to spork, but I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. It kind of pissed me off at first that Zoey is kinda-sorta Cherokee, but it only made her look pretty and gave her magic powers or whatever. Seriously, her heritage is only mentioned in relation to how pretty she looks. Or whatever. I never finished the book.
By the time I got to our “beautiful African princess”, Shawnee, I just slammed the book shut and wouldn’t touch it. And Damien — Could he be any more of a stereotype? I swear to God, he crotchets.
In any case, an excellent review. In fact, I was just wondering when someone was going to do this. Hats off to you for reading this godawful thing and surviving.
(Completly off-topic, I’m reading Crewel right now and there’s a character named Pryana and I always think of you when I read about her.)
E.T. on 23 December 2012, 15:27 said:
What is with this book, the Mortal Instruments, and hating normal people? It’s a fairly irritating trend.
Aira on 23 December 2012, 16:57 said:
I think this deserves a separate rant. I am really, really tired of the way LGBT characters are treated in fiction (when they exist, of course) They have a tendency to be in media for four reasons: comic relief (thankfully that’s getting less frequent), to show how Enlightened and non-homophobic the main character is for hanging around a gay guy, fanservice, or to just be the Token Minority. 99% of the time, they have little to no personality otherwise. If they have other traits, all of them tend to revolve around being gay, or acting like a stereotype. Of course, some real-life gay people do have stereotypical traits. Some gay men are feminine, some lesbians are masculine, and it’s okay to write a character who defies gender expectations, just give them more depth than that. I’m a lesbian, but that isn’t the most important part of my personality. It doesn’t even really make the list. I’ve never met a real-life LGBT who would say differently about themselves; if you want to make your character seem like a realistic person, you have to remember that. The whole point is to write a character who happens to be gay, not a gay character.
Another thing is, gay couples never seem to get happy endings. It’s pretty much a given that one of them is going to die. And while people die in books, and some of those people happen to be gay, it’s practically an epidemic. Being in a gay relationship in fiction is like splitting up in a horror movie; someone is going to die. Of course, if all couples in the work end badly, then it’s fine. But perhaps have them die together if you’re so anxious to kill someone, or anything but the tired cliche of one of them dying and one surviving till the end.
Hopefully now that the world is getting more accepting we’ll see more well-written LGBT characters, but considering how we still get, for instance, black characters who exist just to be black, that might take while.
Danielle on 23 December 2012, 17:28 said:
AMEN.
I’ve read most of this book (meaning I skipped around and told the TA who told me to read it that I’d made it to the end) and I have to say that it’s hard to pick a worst part. There’s so much to hate! We have our sociopathic main character, who is treated like a paragon of goodness because she doesn’t sleep around, obeys the alcohol regulations, and likes to quote Reefer Madness. We have our stereotypical Cherokee grandmother, our token gay guy, our “African princess,” and every other offensive stereotype seen in fiction. Really, I’m amazed Jar Jar Binks didn’t make a cameo.
My brother plays violent video games. He likes Call of Duty, Halo, Half Life, and other games like that. And he’s not evil or violent.
And that was where I got so mad I couldn’t see straight. Christians are not evil, Casts. Fundamentalist Christians are not evil. I know it’s easy to confuse the Westboro Baptists with true Christians, considering most mainstream denominations have disowned the Westboros and even consider them a cult, but c’mon. Christians are people too, guys, and some of them are even (le gasp!) friendly and pleasant to be around. A few even (OMG!) care about their fellow human beings!
Ahem.
Also, casting Christians as villains is just too easy. Pick something more challenging.
Another so-mad-I-couldn’t-see-straight moment. When I read Zoey’s reaction, I became convinced she was actually the villain. There is no way a decent human being could take someone so callous and treat her like a hero.
And then I realized that the Casts are terrible writers.
Taku on 23 December 2012, 17:58 said:
So, it’s his fault that his teachers and fellow students(?) drain his blood so severely every night that he can barely maintain consciousness during the day?
.
I can’t even. I simply can’t.
Epke on 23 December 2012, 18:53 said:
Or Honey Boo Boo and her mother. Seriously, that was my first reaction.
My thoughts exactly. But don’t worry! Zoey actually has the Silver Crystal embedded in her heart, and so, will bring light to all!
Together they summon Captain Planet! Weeee! Wait, I’m getting flashbacks from The Craft… how did it go? “Guardians of the watchtower of the north” or something. Eh.
Eris, the goddess of discord, not Eros, the god of sexuality. He came from Ares and Aphrodite’s naughty little tryst.
<eye-twitch> I hope a blonde with attitude stakes you in your sleep, Casts #1 and #2. Sure, sure, the blood drinking may not be the defining vampire trait, but seeing as “life” = “blood” in the old stories, it pretty much become a staple. “Nod to traditional vampires”… seriously? My god, give them a new name then if they aren’t vampires!
Pryotra, I’ve always wondered… are you Russian by any chance?
With all the quotes done: WOW. This book is terrible. I haven’t seen this much concentrated Sue-goop since… Midnight Sun. Yes, I said it: even Meyer’s purple prose about her self-insert’s nose and mouth from another’s perspective was less disgusting than this. I have nothing to add. How could something like this get published, outside of a self-publishing company? The mind boggles.
… I bind you PC and Kristen, from doing harm through your books unto others and yourself. I bind you PC and Kristen, from doing harm through your books unto others and yourself.
Ryan McCarthy on 23 December 2012, 19:50 said:
To be fair to the publishers, they worry more about whether a book is going to sell rather than the quality of said book. Mind you, there are definitely basic standards that need to be meet as far as grammar is concerned which is why something like the Maradonia Saga will never be published by a legit publisher in its current state.
Pryotra on 23 December 2012, 22:32 said:
I do hope that she’s the Scary Sue.
I’ve heard that the KKK denounced them. Seriously, if they consider those morons to be normal Christians, they’re nuts. And yeah, they don’t seem to realize that there are perfectly normal people who happen to be Fundamentalist Christian. They’re even tolerant and friendly to people even when they disagree with them. Tis not that uncommon.
Amen to that.
I feel better already.
Depends on the version. Most myths agree that you’re right, but I’ve read a few where Eros came from Nyx. I suppose since most illicit trysts occur at night, it makes some sense. I believe that Hesiod mentioned it, but it’s been some time since I’ve really brushed up seriously on that part of Greek myths.
rolls eyes But then they wouldn’t able to cash in on Twilight. Besides, nothing acts like their weird little Sue race. They’d have to call them something original, and these women have the same amount of originality as a forged copy of the Mona Lisa.
Not to my knowledge, but it’s very likely that I have Russian ancestors, given that I seem to have roots in almost every other European, including Eastern European, country. My ancestors were none too picky. Why?
That’s probably the most important thing to remember. The publishers knew that it’d make money. They didn’t care about the work itself. Now that they’re best sellers, that can pretty much go on a naked run and no one will stop them. I do pity the editors that had to look over this thing though. It would be painful for me to go any more in depth than I already did.
lilyWhite on 24 December 2012, 09:26 said:
It’s worse than a mere stereotypical religious bigot! It’s a stereotypical religious bigot with double standards that only serve to provide more angst-fuel for our “heroine”! The horror!
It’s his fault for existing and being an unpleasant sight for Zoey’s eyes.
It’s a bit of a spoiler, but considering the spontaneous blatant foreshadowing that gets ignored for the rest of the book shortly after it occurs, I might as well say it: there’s more sociopathic Elliot-bashing in the second book.
Brendan Rizzo on 24 December 2012, 11:08 said:
This is just… painful. Here we have a series where vampires don’t drink blood, practice the Theme Park Version of Wicca, and are a whole race of Sues led by the queen of Sues, who can do absolutely anything she wants and not get punished for it. I can’t believe that Twilight vampires are closer to the traditional interpretation.
Azure on 24 December 2012, 12:38 said:
Actually, she is, but she’s my favorite character. I mean, she was awesome for two pages, and then the main character killed her sister and she kind of turns into a brat (justified, trust me), and for the rest do the story, she’s just there to compete against our lovely main character. But, yeah, every time I read her name as yours it gives me a bit of hope.
Danielle on 24 December 2012, 14:02 said:
O.O
You’re right.
Stephanie Meyer’s vampires are more traditional than these guys.
Her sparkly, super-speshul, blood-sucking fairies bear greater resemblance to Stoker’s Dracula than Zoey Redbird.
That is terrifying.
Mingnon on 27 December 2012, 00:15 said:
So our current leading contenders for the Most Horrible Piece of Trash Twilight-Based Literature Series include Hush Hush, House of Night and 50 Shades.
Oh joy of joys did SMeyer open the can to these messes.
jeppers on 28 December 2012, 12:26 said:
Now what’s wrong with being a Barbie clone? It must be awesome to be Barbie.
Danielle on 28 December 2012, 12:33 said:
Look at her feet. She can’t even walk! And those boobs make her so top-heavy she can’t even stand upright. IMO, “Barbie clone” should be a synonym for someone with severe and tragic deformities.
Mingnon on 28 December 2012, 16:33 said:
One would think that the term Barbie Clone would mean someone who underwent plastic surgery on their entire body – organs, anatomy and all.
Pryotra on 28 December 2012, 22:40 said:
And also, let’s face it, it wouldn’t even be all that attractive if we saw the reality of it. I vaguely remember seeing a picture of a woman who photoshopped herself to have Barbie’s proportions, and she looked more deformed than anything else.
Finn on 30 December 2012, 02:46 said:
By the way, I’ve officially decided to spork this. I’ll probably start it in the next few weeks.
Pryotra on 30 December 2012, 08:35 said:
I’ll warn you right now: I didn’t go into most of the annoying things that this story contained. Like Zoey’s super special awesome bonding ability with horses or the cat issue.
You’re in for a real…treat…
Danielle on 30 December 2012, 12:49 said:
Store up an ample supply of brain bleach and/or alcohol. Trust me, you’ll need it.
Taku on 31 December 2012, 00:26 said:
What?! Dude, you’ve been holding out on us? Uncool.
Maybe keep your local priest on speed-dial, just in case.
Pryotra on 31 December 2012, 08:37 said:
If I’d gone into everything, this review would have been much longer and more incoherent. Most of it had little to do with the actual plot and more to do with Zoey shilling herself and the universe in general shilling her.
Besides, I didn’t think that anyone was going to be all that interested in the fact that Zoey’s stepdad didn’t like cats because he thought they were evil but the Cast ladies decided that cats are a Sue species that ‘choose’ their owners. Or similar joys.
Epke on 3 January 2013, 14:46 said:
Ah, yes, true enough. I haven’t read much Greek mythology for some time now, so I get it all from memory.
Hmm, yes, you make a good point there… what would be a good name for these things? A Mary Sue by any other name would still smell as bad.
Oh, just curious. Your username sounds like a Russian diminutive of the female variety and you pointed out that you were female too, so I connected some dots. Nevermind that they were wrong :p
Perry Rhinitis on 5 January 2013, 13:50 said:
Mean Girls is actually a guilty pleasure of mine. That movie is so quotable. I have absolutely no plans of reading this drivel. You and many other readers on GoodReads have shredded this to pieces for me.
Fireshark on 3 February 2013, 19:20 said:
You know, I just realized where I’ve seen the Cherokee used in the same sort of way…
Seriously, if you’re making up your own universe, make up your own ancient cultures. Don’t screw around with old ones until they have magic powers and uncharacteristic beliefs.
Pryotra on 3 February 2013, 22:40 said:
What did I just read?
swenson on 3 February 2013, 23:14 said:
Sonichu, I believe. A moronic Sonic/Pokemon webcomic by a guy who… does not take criticism well. To put it in the politest way I can.
In other words, if you do something so badly you get compared to Sonichu, you are doing it very, very wrong.
Potatoman on 13 June 2013, 08:32 said:
Приотра, your sporkings are awesome, even if they make me a tad apprehensive to be a young adult author. I’m 15 and I’m in the middle of writing a novel, hoping to publish it one day. But then I stumble upon ImpishIdea.com and I see what passes for literature nowadays. It makes me sad, it really does. But what can one do but critique what’s already out there? I decided that before I publish, I am getting you, Rorschach, Slyshy and Lord Snow to pulverize, mutilate and incinerate my book with criticism so I can fix the obvious and not-so-obvious problems.
Thanks for the entertainment :D
Pryotra on 13 June 2013, 15:35 said:
Lol.
Well, I’m trying to write a YA novel myself, so I honestly think that there can be interesting and good YA fiction out there, so don’t lose hope.
Just remember!
Apep on 13 June 2013, 17:29 said:
Try to keep this stuff in mind as well.
Potatoman on 16 June 2013, 06:36 said:
Hahaha… well you’ll see my crap on bookshelves one day, Pryotra xD CONFIDENCE, that’s all I need.
Nate Winchester on 26 June 2013, 12:23 said:
Wait, an article from the lovely Pryotra that I didn’t read? What happened!
puts on editing hat I’d write:
“…without using the redeeming parts of Harry Potter and making you realize Twilight had redeeming parts. And that’s terrible.”
Oh let’s be honest, we’re all horrible people as teenagers. That’s why we try not to let teens run the world.
This is why I believe time travel is impossible. We’d all go back, see ourselves as teens, then kill our past selves in horror. Which would cause a paradox and undo time travel. QED.
That was me, girl! I was trying to signal you as a fellow imp! (nah just kidding, we should have a secret handshake or something though)
With a ‘y’? Oh no…
Wait… now I’m starting to remember. I think I started this then blacked out from rage. Or insanity.
Of course, some of us are worse teenagers than others.
You know, there for a second I thought you were talking about your mom.
Maybe it is time, in this culture, for the meaning of Christmas to change. So let us all join hands and sing, “Thank you Jesus, for without your religion, we wouldn’t have had any villains for our stories.”
Oh let me guess… does this ever happen to Zoey when she gets her hot guy? (and does she not see the irony in it?)
Also covered best here.
Yeah I only approve if it’s to make the challenge greater and victory sweeter when humanity finally kicks it’s ass!
…
I like to say I “come from a family of medics”. I do enjoy playing medics in games. This… makes me at a lost of words and images to express my anger.
Sounds like Zoey would make the perfect high priest for her. [spits]
Gods I want to write a spitefic now so bad of the Winchesters, Blade, Buffy and Dr McNinja all bursting into this school and SLAUGHTERING EVERYONE IN HORRIFIC DETAIL.
Except for the humans who they treat and give medical care to.
No matter how ugly they are.
Zeldaqueen on 9 September 2013, 18:40 said:
July and Christmas, this thing.
You know what the hell of it is? IT GETS WORSE. EVERYTHING.
A second camp gay character shows up as a boyfriend for Damien. And the pair hook up after knowing each other for two seconds. And he named himself after a character from “Brokeback Mountain”. And he’s constantly described as quiet and submissive and doe-eyed.
You know Zoey dates a teacher. In that same book, Erik is described as being an insecure, possessive jerk, because he’s unhappy that his girlfriend’s making eyes at other guys. And we’re supposed to believe this is his NORMAL attitude.
Zoey uses the word “ho-ish” to describe so many other girls (Including herself. She slut shames HERSELF) that you’ll want to stove her head in with a shovel.
Zoey possibly kills two black stereotypes when they threaten to rape her in a park and she blows them in front of a truck. She never thinks about this.
And this is by the THIRD BOOK. The series has, like, TWELVE.
Oh, and you think the religion fail is bad here? That too gets worse! As the series goes on, we’ll find out:
1.) Apparently Freya, Cleopatra, Circe, and Lilith were real people and actually powerful vampire priestesses who were looked at badly in mythology because men were meanies who hated powerful women and vampires. (Freya apparently got off well because she was so Sue-tiful that she even charmed the icky human men).
2.) Greek mythology gets dragged through the mud even more as Nyx’s consort shows up as real. No, I can’t remember his name. I doubt he has enough character to matter. His brother also shows up, and I also can’t remember or care about him.
3.) A fucking fallen angel shows up. Yes, really. His name’s Kalona, which isn’t an angelic name, and the closest I can find for its origin is that it was the name of a Hawaiian king. Apparently Kalona wanted to be Nyx’s man, but she didn’t want him so he was kicked out of Heaven (or wherever they were all residing).
4.) Also, Kalona’s called a “Nephilim”. By a NUN. I really think a nun would know what a Nephilim is. Becca Fitzpatrick fricking well knew. Also, there’s a group of nuns who think Nyx and the vampires are teh awesome because… the Virgin Mary is just another version of Nyx. YES, the Cast ladies go there. You may bang your heads now.
5.) So apparently Kalona coincidentally landed in North America, where he began raping Cherokee women in their sleep. And they gave birth to REAL Nephilim, except that everyone refers to them as Raven Mockers. Which are really Native American monsters, but they normally look like old people and aren’t the children of fallen angels at all. And the Cherokee women use magic to use a tar doll woman to lure Kalona into the center of the Earth and seal him there. Because all Cherokee people are magical.
6.) Apparently Zoey’s the reincarnation of the tar woman. Somehow. She also has the “ancient power of the fey”, and thus is named queen of the Isle of Sky. And Neferet and Kalona do some warped golden calf idol thing where they try to trick everyone into thinking they’re Nyx and her consort reborn. I have no clue.
Juracan on 11 September 2013, 08:56 said:
Well that’s just silly, because—
What the—?!
I don’t…?
CASTS STAHP
I am honestly really glad that I have never had the misfortune to come across these books, or anyone who had any interest in them. Hell, I can’t even recall seeing these books in my local bookstore. If I did come across them, Heaven forgive me for what I might do.