Before the review, a note on the atmosphere. I went with a friend at 7pm on Wednesday evening. The theater was almost completely full. Mostly women, the occasional guy with girlfriend. The audience cheered several times during the film, including some wolf whistles. Thankfully they weren’t too obnoxious. The previews… well, Charlie St. Cloud (the new Zac Efron flick) looks painfully emo, but the audience sounded excited about it.

So, I could not have done this review without Spanman’s review existing. I don’t remember in detail until prompted, so her summarization made my life so much easier. And reminded me why I hated this movie so much. Pardon my quoted list below (commentary in italics).

1. There is kissing. Yes, there is.
2. There is a lot of kissing. This isn’t just Bella/Edward kissing. This is like everyone/everyone kissing. Trust me. It’s ugly. Yep, everyone/everything sums it up pretty well. And of course no one does the peck on the lips, no, they’re all going French. Of course.
3. Shirtless men. For absolutely no good reason
4. Devastatingly good-looking people snarling at each other. Eh… I take issue with the devastatingly good looking. They’re ok, but… eh. Lots of snarling, though.
5. Someone kissing someone else. Yep.
6. Victoria’s hair. Everywhere. Yep.
7. People’s heads shattering into little diamondy pieces. Yep. WTF? This shall be discussed later
8. Did I mention the kissing? Siiiigh. Dammit, movie.

Surprisingly, the beginning wasn’t too bad. At first I was going “is this Twilight? Looks more like a horror movie… hey, look, suspense OH SHIT HE GOT BITTEN! Oh… his screaming and flailing is kinda funny… aaaaand movie fail. Sigh.

Ok, her voice in the proposal scene bothered me so much. It’s wooden. And Edward is kinda… wussy, somehow. His tone of voice is flat, he doesn’t really make much effort to persuade her… where is the hysterically bad James Dean-ing? Now he’s just a lovesick marshmallow. Also, for Pete’s sake, this girl is made of wood. Seriously. There is no inflection in her voice.

OHAI CHARLIE. HI MUSTACHE. I do think Charlie is amusing, though not subtle… “you should hang out with your other friends” Who, Jessica, Angela? “Like Jacob” Of course not. To this girl, “friends” are perfunctory. She only hangs out with love interests. Love interests who BOTH manipulate and abuse her. But more on that later.

Oh, hey, it’s later. Bella is going to visit Jacob. Ok, sure, go mess with the guy you dropped after hanging out for months. That isn’t at all cruel or selfish- but wait. The car won’t start. OHAI EDWARD. And… Bella doesn’t really seem to care that he removed her car engine so she wouldn’t visit Jacob. She shouldn’t be visiting Jacob anyway, but she should at least have the option.

So, instead of Bella calling him on this sweet, protective aw hell no manipulative crap, they go to Florida. Bella’s mom annoyed me for some reason. She’s trying too hard to be a cool mom, somehow. Bella was even more annoying though, of course. You don’t really get much of a sense that she’ll miss her mother. Yes, she says it, but the wooden delivery… eh. Very flat tone of voice on Bella’s part.

The chase scene was kinda neat. A little too much special effects made it feel unreal, but it was cool. And Emmett vs. Wolf was fuuuuuun. Emmett makes me smile, he always has this deranged grin on his big mug. Also, they did do a good job in one thing. The Cullen’s all blend into the forest pretty well, but Victoria’s hair sticks way, way out, like, well, a flame. She doesn’t belong here, and the hair also makes it easier to see what the hell they’re chasing.
So, they get back to school. OHAI, JACOB. Why are you on your motorcycle, here at what looks like the beginning of the school day? Edward and Jacob practically have a bitch fight over Bella, but she decides to go to La Push. During school hours? Nice, Bella.

The third wife thing strikes me as stupid. One, the way Billy says “spirit warriors” made me want to facepalm. It just sounds retarded, especially knowing a white Mormon woman wrote this. Second, the male vampire they kill? He…looks really stupid. Third- the third wife did not have to suicide. All she needed to do was give herself a nice big cut on the calf or arm, but no, instant death by disembowelment is apparently her only option. Idiot. I wish Bella had taken the third wife’s example, it would have been a better end to this movie.

Also, have some sympathy for Leah, jackass. The man she was in love with dumped her for her cousin. And she has to hear all his happy thoughts about Emily. But “it wasn’t his fault” because the imprinting made him do it. And Emily’s scars… er, wtf? Sam, really? I’m with Cleolinda on this one, it is way too close to “I’m sorry I made you hit me”. Imprinting is moronic in general. Love is not usually a free choice (people don’t usually fall in love on purpose, it just happens), but it shouldn’t be imposed on you. Then Jacob bitches about Bella wanting to be a vamp, throws a heavy object, and then takes her home. Siiiigh. This is ridiculous.

OHAI SCREAMING GUY FROM SCENE ONE. Um… you look angry… and red-eyed… yeah, you’re a vamp, big whup. This guy has an excellent creepy grin, btw. Very creepy.

Sigh. And now we’re back to our favorite idiots protagonists. Jacob tells Bella he loves her, and says she loves him- despite her saying emphatically she does not. I guess he knows her better than she knows herself- good job, Smeyer. That isn’t at all degrading or presumptuous! And then he kisses her. She tries to resist, she tries to pull away, THIS GIRL DOES NOT WANT YOU KISSING HER, JERKFACE. But he keeps kissing her. And then says something about how he didn’t want their first kiss to be like that (THEN DON’T KISS HER AGAINST HER WILL, STUPID) and she punches him. Go, Bella, having a spine is good. And… Jacob dismisses this? Laughingly? Oh, lookit the cute little woman, she doesn’t know she wants me, and she broke her hand punching me. GAHHHH.

OHAI, EDWARD. For once your melodrama is acceptable. Beat him up, that’s what he gets for forcing himself on a woman… CHARLIE. DON’T BREAK UP THE FIGHT. What- why are you approving of Jacob forcing himself on your daughter? What the hell? Nononono. DAMMIT CHARLIE.
Grrr. Carlisle patches up Bella, and there’s the “I punched a werewolf” line. Which is delivered woodenly. Dammit, Kristen Stewart.
And then what was probably my favorite bit. Charlie tries to give Bella The Talk. It’s hysterical. Best part.

Bella: DAD, I’m still a virgin!

Dad: …

Bella: Leaves

Dad: I’m liking him a bit more now.

Oh, Charlie. Please, stop encouraging men to force themselves on your daughter, and then you’ll be cool again.

Oh, sweet lord- the yellow graduation robes are worse than I thought possible. Also, the line about “how many times do you graduate from high school?” was flat as a pancake, only without the tastiness.

Aaand of course the graduation party goes to hell. Nice visions, Alice. Also, how did NO ONE realize- hmm, who would want to eat Bella? Victoria! Obviously she’s behind our random vamp. Dur.

The mockfighting is cool, though the wolves still look kinda weird. God, the Cullens are cocky bastards. I’m actually hoping the random violent newborns kill them- note to Smeyer, if your audience wants your heroes to die, this is not a good thing. Jasper’s backstory is… eh. Kinda interesting… but seriously, his hair keeps getting worse. Poor guy. But Rosalie’s hair in her backstory is horrific, so Jasper looks better by comparison. The little scene of the lead up to Rosalie’s rape is actually somewhat well done- very creepy, the guy who kept swigging from his bottle was really disturbing. I’m with Rosalie on this one- YOU ARE GIVING UP A
NORMAL LIFE, AND YOU DON’T EVEN CARE. WTF, BELLA. I actually kind of like Rosalie, her
bitterness strikes a chord, especially against Bella’s sullen/whiny idiocy.

Aaaand it’s time for the endgame. Wait, they just graduated from high school, it has to be June… why is there a blizzard? WTF? Aand of course, it’s time for werewolf body heat. Smug bastard, Jacob is getting on my last nerve. The little Edward/Jacob chat was nauseating.

So, then everyone wakes up, and oops! Edward accidentally informs Jacob that they’re engaged. So Jake storms off. Does every movie have to have someone impersonating James Dean? Aaand then Jake verbally manipulates Bella, essentially threatens to get himself killed, and the dumb girl falls for it and tells him to kiss her. What the hell. You are engaged, moron, and you just fell for it. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Both Bella and Jacob need to die. NOW.

The fight is kinda interesting. The diamond shatter thing was idiotic. I wanted to see screaming, lots of gushing blood venom, but nooo. Of course not. Ok, I actually do feel some sympathy for Bree. Little kid looks scared out of her wits, and props to Carlisle and Esme for looking after her.

Hey, look, the climax. Riley is here for his Victoria. Damn, is he dumb. Ok, Seth is adorable. I forgot to mention how freaking cute he was at the Quileute meeting. He’s still fricking adorable as a wolf. Aww, Seth.
And then we have fighting, snarling, biting, Victoria lets Riley get killed (of course). Aaaand Bella goes all third wife. But not in the stomach. Darn. For once she shows sense, and just gets her arm.

Seth/Edward/Bella go down to everyone else, and see Jacob get hurt by being a moron. Yep. And then the Volturi turn up. The way the Volturi walk makes me laugh. It’s just so… pretentious and retarded. And of course they kill the helpless newborn. Subtle.

So, the film ends with Bella and Jake having a heart to heart (he makes a last ditch attempt at convincing her to pick him, but it just makes me want to punch him. Stop trying, moron, she doesn’t want you!)

And then a lame joke about telling Charlie they’re engaged, the end. Finally.

So far as I can tell (I haven’t seen New Moon, but heard it was awful) this was less painful than the other two films. Lots of fighting (which is decent, if not as good as it could have been), lots of making out (seriously, it’s like they’re looking for each other’s tonsils, STOP IT NOW, MOVIE.) In summary, Edward should die (for the engine block crap), Bella should die (for being a MORON), and Jacob should die (WTF rape-kiss). The end. In summary, less making out, more gore as the newborns get killed, and, of course, better dialogue and delivery, would have made this much more interesting.

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  1. Snow White Queen on 2 July 2010, 13:30 said:

    James Dean could have kicked Edward’s ass. Just saying.

    But love the snarky review, Willow. I happened to see a clip of the movie and I totally agree about Bella’s lack of expression. I can’t even tell what she’s saying because she says it so monotone and rapidly.

    I’m curious to know whether Kristen Stewart is like this in all her movies, or does she know ‘well, I’m going to get buckets of money so why put in the effort?’ In either case, it reflects poorly on her as an actress.

  2. Spanman on 2 July 2010, 14:22 said:

    Ah! I’m so glad you did a review too, Willow. ^^ Nice and lulzy, too.

    As soon as they showed Riley after he’d turned into a vampire, it dawned on me that that’s how I’d always imagined Edward to look like when I read the books. It was very odd. Because Riley was at least, y’know, good-looking.

  3. NeuroticPlatypus on 2 July 2010, 14:46 said:

    Good review. It sounds at least a little more entertaining than Twilight. I haven’t seen New Moon either. What is the third wife disembowelment stuff about?

  4. WiseWillow on 2 July 2010, 14:54 said:

    Well, there’s a Quileute legend that a vampire attacked them. Their chief (who could turn into a wolf) was about to be killed, when his wife stabbed herself, distracting the vampire so the chief could kill her. Bella decides that this is a good example to follow to distract Victoria.

  5. Romantic Vampire Lover on 2 July 2010, 15:38 said:

    Both Bella and Jacob need to die. NOW.


    Edward should die (for the engine block crap)


    Bella should die (for being a MORON)

    Hell, yes.

    and Jacob should die (WTF rape-kiss)


    Basically, you nailed it, Nate. Lovely review; truthful and sarcastic. Loved it.

  6. Romantic Vampire Lover on 2 July 2010, 15:44 said:

    Crap, so sorry, Willow, I though I saw Nate Winchester’s name on the article somewhere; don’t I feel clever. Let me rephrase:

    Basically, you nailed it, Nate Willow. Lovely review; truthful and sarcastic. Loved it.

  7. Northmark on 2 July 2010, 19:16 said:

    In the movie’s defense, the third wife disembowelment thing could have been a result of the tribe not knowing much about how the vampires worked. They might either not know how much blood it took to attract them, or the woman just wanted to make sure there was enough for it to work.

    The rest of the review is spot on though. I haven’t seen New Moon, but this one’s definitely better than Twilight. I liked the backstories, especially Rosalie’s.

  8. dragonarya on 2 July 2010, 21:54 said:

    You made this so much better. Even though I haven’t seen it and never will, I know you did. I was laughing the whole way through.

  9. Puppet on 3 July 2010, 00:55 said:

    A bit confusing, but a good “review,” Willow.

  10. falconempress on 3 July 2010, 10:46 said:

    @SWQ – James Dean could have kicked anyones ass

    Nice review, Willow:)

  11. fffan on 4 July 2010, 04:26 said:

    So I wasn’t the only who wanted to get a gun, shoot Jacob’s pretentious little head until he was dead then shoot him some more? Phew. I was beginning to think the movie was actually going to be O.K.

  12. LoveEclipse on 6 July 2010, 09:51 said:


  13. RandomX2 on 15 July 2010, 03:37 said:

    I realise the irony in commenting to post this, but:

    No comment.