Disclaimer: this posting contains mature content. Proceed at your own risk.

Now you’re entering the most important part of your historic text: the action bit. This is the part where you can either redeem your crappy dialogue with some sick lasers and stuff, or else make your audience go from somewhat indifferent distaste to chock-full-of-vomit uproar at “those totally cheesy computer effects.”

Overlord Connery made his first move towards world domination in September of 1947 when he bought the entire Soviet Union using secret funds that he had acquired through his ownership of several large oil companies and his invention of the iPod. Connery then instituted his ideology, known as Conneryism, into the Soviet government, as well as renamed the country the Commune Of No-Nonsense Ecstatic Republics, Yeah!,

Should be “da,” but then the acronym wouldn’t work, and your students will be too ignorant to know the difference.

just because the acronym struck his funny bone. Unfortunately the striking of the funny bone caused major corporations in the CONNERY to collapse. This caused Overlord Connery to have to entirely outlaw both acronyms and Glittery Shoes, or GS for short. Short indeed was this no-name period in the Conneryist republics, for Connery soon put his war machine into motion – and after that, feeling much relieved, began to move his armies on an expedition of conquest.

Lesson Lithuania: Innuendo is professional. Just do it.

Connery began with a surprise strike at Teletubbieland, formerly a German province, and captured it within a matter of hours, the executive Noo-Noo announcing that it was “Time for Tubby Bye-Bye.”

If you want to be really informative, this is the place to smoothly slip in a 10-page diatribe on why Tinky-Winky is gay.

The bunnies there were a most valuable resource – when burned, they made for a fuel twice as efficient as regular gasoline, which also meant that, while Connery’s own oil stock went up now that Tubby-Bunnies were no longer exported to the world, Connery himself could provide his army with cheap fuel.

Obviously, the main expected obstacle for Connery’s war machine was Denmark.

By this point in time, Denmark had been repopulated from the time that Bill Shakespeare killed everyone in the whole bloody country. Horatio doesn’t count.

Denmark, ruled with an iron fist by its President, Paris Hilton, famous for her brilliant defense strategy upon the invasion of P.J. O’Rourke and his sarcastically gifted Welsh army. The world was soon shocked, however, to find that Connery had won the war against Denmark without a single military engagement. Connery himself sneaked into the Danish Royal Castle, disabled several guards either through crafty spy technique or shot them with crafty trigger-pulling technique, and made his way to the bedroom of President Hilton. Therein he seduced her, and reportedly (these being of somewhat objectionable historical accuracy, being transcribed by a leprechaun living in the bedpost)

I made a mistake here. Lesson Blue: You are the writer, therefore you are never wrong.

she offered him free passage across her lands,

See Lesson Lithuania

upon which Connery grinned maniacally, shouted, “The day is mine!”, slapped Hilton, and then threw her out the window and into the moat, which was filled with alligators – upon escaped the moat, with one less arm but even more determination, Hilton accidentally wandered into her cage full of jungle cats, and emerging from that, with one less leg and slightly less determination, fell into one of her own death trap pits with spikes in the bottom – then ironically died of cancer six months later.

With the fall of Denmark, the entire world, previously occupied with the flamboyant homosexual affairs of Duke Jesse Jackson of Worcestershire,

His mistress was Tinky-Winky.

had its attention abruptly – look, the sentence above this one! – redirected suddenly, not unlike yours was just now, to a fall in Middle-Eastern light bulb production. However, when the source of the infamous Bulb Depression of ’47 was discovered to be Rick James, who had a dastardly plot to put the light bulbs on the moon in an arrangement so as to spell out “I’M RICK JAMES BITCH!,” the world turned angrily upon Overlord Connery (James’ adoptive father) and his army, which by this point had been mutated into robotic Velociraptors – historical records conflict as to what his army was before this, due to Connery’s policy of “leave no schurviversch!”

President Rabbi Adolf Hitler declared neutrality, and as a token of peace sent Connery a gigantic cookie – a copy of Connery’s reply was found in his personal archives, saying, “You can take your cookie and schove it up your arsche, you emo-fag. Read a book!” This might have swayed the war in favor of the A-CUNT (Anti-Connery Union of Nations with Tanks), but the reply was sent by letter, as was Overlord Connery’s preference, and this was intercepted on the high seas by the Dread Pirate Inigo Montoya, and so the precarious neutrality remained.

The status of The Princess Bride as one of the greatest movies of all time is widely agreed upon in the historical community.

The rest of the world, however, was inflamed, but with the invention of E-Z Skin Creme by the creators of Sesame Street, this condition did not last for long. The world was broiling, baking, frying, searing, simmering, grilling, steaming, and other various methods for child care, in light of Overlord Connery’s aggressive advances, and upon his military conquests as well. If A-CUNT was to have any hope, A-CUNT would have to act quickly against Overlord Connery.

Cheap humor may not be pretty, but it gets the job done. Like your mother. Heyo! Somebody gimme some skin. …Anyone? My arm is getting tired… Crap. sigh

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Comment

  1. Rhaego on 17 October 2008, 17:44 said:

    If my history book read like this, I would either vomit, or clap and cry while laughing, I can’t decide which.

  2. Snow White Queen on 17 October 2008, 18:40 said:

    i LOVE the princess bride!

    it’s one of those few ‘romanticky’ ‘true love’ sort of movies i’ll watch.