Chapter 12: Balancing (continued)
When we last left off, Bella was pointlessly mulling over her mortality. She’s feeling a bit of insomnia, so she takes a little bit of cold medicine to help her sleep. I wouldn’t mention this, except for the fact that Bella make a huge freaking deal about it. “Gratuitous drug use,” she calls it.
I knew I was far too stressed to sleep, so I did something I’d never done before. I deliberately took unnecessary cold medicine—the kind that knocked me out for a good eight hours. Normally I wouldn’t condone this type of behavior for myself, but tomorrow would be complicated enough without me being loopy from sleep deprivation. (p 252)
My sources tell me that this sentiment is part of Mormon culture: no caffeine, no impure drugs, nothing that could pollute the body. I suppose that’s not a bad thing, but in the context of this novel, Bella’s reaction comes out of left field and is laughably over the top. She’s taking Tylenol, not Vicodin. I mean, I’m not a caffeine junkie, but I don’t have a huge guilt trip every time I drink a bottle of Mountain Dew.
But onward. Bella wakes up the next morning freakishly stressed, but once Edward shows up, all of her fear and apprehension just seems to dissolve away. Their clothes match (a tan sweater with jeans), which prompts even more gushing, mixed with self-deprecation.
I laughed with him, hiding a secret twinge of regret—why did he have to look like a runaway model when I couldn’t? (p. 253)
Ugh… Must every description of Edward say “this guy is out of your league”? Must we be reminded every thirty seconds how low and unworthy our protagonist is?
Moving on, we find a sequence that’s actually fairly tasteful, when Bella insists on taking the wheel, and I feel that I can forgive a small part of her general wimpy non-assertiveness. Unfortunately, this suggestion of feminine competence is muffled somewhat by Edward telling Bella to put on her seatbelt and reminding her incessantly of his superior reflexes, but she manages to assert herself nonetheless. Good job, protagonist.
Anyway, they make it to their destination safely, if slowly, since Bella drives like an old lady. Sheparks at the head of a hiking trail.
.“We’re hiking?” Thank goodness I’d worn my tennis shoes.“Is that a problem?” He sounded as if he expected as much.
“No.” I tried to make the lie sound confident. But if He thought my truck was slow…”
“Don’t worry, it’s only five miles or so, and we’re in no hurry.”
Five miles. I didn’t answer, so that he wouldn’t hear my voice crack in panic. Five miles of treacherous roots and loose stones, trying to twist my ankles or otherwise incapacitate me. This was going to be humiliating.
Look, I’m not an enormous fan of hiking either, but this is ridiculous. It may be unpleasant, but the forest is not a malevolent force out to humiliate you. It bothers me that this incessant fear of being shamed and rejected seems to actually resonate with women. I just don’t understand the appeal of vicariously becoming someone so helpless, incompetent, and all-round idiotic.
“So you’re worried about the trouble it might cause me— if you didn’t come home?” His voice was still angry, and bitingly sarcastic.I nodded.
…
twitch twitch
We’re moving on… They get out of the car to find the weather uncharacteristically warm. That seems innocent enough, right? In fact, it’s so warm, that Bella decides to take off her sweater. Nothing wrong with that. And then Edward does the same…
Oh dear god no… Please, I don’t want to, I mean it, we haven’t even gotten to the sparkling scene yet, there’s only so much purple prose a man can take before— no, please don’t make me, I swear I’ll be good and—
His white shirt was sleeveless and he wore it unbuttoned, so that the smooth white skin of his throat flowed uninterrupted over the marble contours of his chest, his perfect musculature no longer merely hinted at behind concealing clothes. He was too perfect, I realized with a piercing stab of despair. There was no way this godlike creature could be meant for me. (p. 256)
What the fuck… Ok, first off, who ever heard of a sleeveless button-up shirt? Second, why the hell is his skin flowing? Is he melting? (Please say yes).
And third… WHAT THE FUCK?! No, you know what, I refuse. I am done talking about this girl’s crippling insecurity. I’m not going to discuss the cultural trends that continue to wreck the self-worth of young girls, or how vulnerable a warped self-image leaves them to exploitation and abuse.
Oh, who am I kidding… this is bad stuff guys, and it only gets worse.
Edward notices Bella’s pained expression, but mistakes it for fear and offers to take her back home. She, of course, refuses, and after a little more pained conversation, they walk into the forest. Turns out our protagonists fear of the forest trail was largely unfounded, and she manages fine. I can’t say the same for her self esteem, unfortunately.
I tried to keep my eyes away from his perfection as much as possible, but I slipped often. Each time his beauty pierced me through with sadness (p. 257)
This guy could literally EAT YOU. And you’re agonizing over how pretty he is. I hate this books so much.
Anyway, as they walk, the day grows progressively sunnier. Edward announces that he can see a clearing in the distance. They approach slowly upon a picturesque meadow. Edward suddenly disappears. Bella finds him in a patch of shade on the far side of the meadow. She remembers the enigma of Edward and the sun. The tension builds (this sequence takes about a page). Edward looks reluctant. Bella beckons to him anyways. He takes a deep breath and steps into the sunlight…
Chapter 13: Confessions
… at first nothing happens. Then Bella notices the fine smoke rising from his bare arms and face. He is literally burning up in the sun. As his skin begins to flow (for real this time) down his face, he looks at our protagonist with love burning in his eyes, and declares that this is all for the best, that despite his dark nature, love gave him the strength to die a hero. Bella is stricken, but Edward’s last words are gentle, comforting, despite the pain of the sunlight.
Nah, just kidding.
He actually sparkles in the sunlight. And the actual description of said sparkling simply cannot be abridged.
Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn’t get used to is, though I’d been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday’s hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn’t sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth as marble, glittering like a crystal. (p. 260)
And now, my friends, there is only one thing to do:
I mean, for the love of masculinity, just when I thought that Edward couldn’t get any less heterosexual. I’m sorry to all of the gay men out there who may be offended by this comparison, but if Edward was any further in the closet, this book would be part of the Chronicles of Narnia. I mean, he’s wearing body glitter and pale lavender eye shadow. I don’t know why I’m needed. It practically makes fun of itself.
But gay jokes aside, I feel obligated to remind everyone that thesaurus rape is no laughing matter. And this, this goes beyond thesaurus rape. There are ways a talented writer can craft an image in the reader’s imagination and convey its beauty. Finding four synonyms for the word “sparkle” (incandescent, scintillating, glistening, and glittering) is probably the clumsiest, laziest, most armature method imaginable. It’s like Meyer’s entire conception of poetry was to slap a polysyllabic adjective before every noun associated with Edward’s body. Oh, and a ham-handed metaphor comparing Edward to (you guessed it) a statue.
May I remind the reader that our author was allegedly an English Major?
After a bout of staring and drooling, Bella approaches her statuesque lover, and they engage in some chaste touching, which mostly consists of her stroking his arms. Uh, yea. This is actually one of the most vividly written sections of the book. It isn’t bad per se, at least in that it’s not repulsive or smutty. And, in all fairness, even a chaste touch can be a very intimate gesture, erotic even, in the right frame of mind. Since so much of romantic writing is a matter of personal taste, I’m going to reserve judgment here.
After a while, Bella and Edward begin to exchange more tortured, romantic dialogue, filled with quotes like “I was wishing that I could believe that you were real” and “I don’t want you to be afraid.” Then Bella, mesmerized by Edward’s, uh… smell, leans in for a kiss.
As had just that once before, I smelled his cool breath on my face. Sweet, delicious, the scent made my mouth water. It was unlike anything else. Instinctively, unthinkingly, I leaned closer, inhaling.
Even Weird Al thinks this is weird.
And then this shit goes down as Edward (understandably) freaks out, jumps away, and begins to rant about how he’s SOOO DANGERUS!!!
“I’m the world’s best predator, aren’t I? Everything about me invites you in — my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!”
In a fit of masculine rage, our sparkley idol begins to tear up the forest to show how strong and fast he is. And, as ever, our pitifully human protagonist is smitten.
I’d never seen him so completely freed of that carefully cultivated facade. He’d never been less human… or more beautiful. Face ashen, eyes wide, I sat like a bird locked in the eyes of a snake.
God, why is this girl so helpless? Yes, ok, I get it, Edward’s a supernatural being, and it’s unreasonable to expect Bella to match him physically. But I’m not talking about physical inferiority. I’m talking about emotional helplessness, and Bella’s apparent inability to resist Edward, even in her thoughts. She is so mired in his superficial beauty that, while he is throwing around trees and threatening her life, she can only think about how perfect and beautiful he is. This is not how healthy relationships work. I mean, the guy could do anything. If he actually bit her, her last thoughts would probably concern the quality of his dentistry. She might as well be marching through a prison in a Japanese school girl’s uniform singing “Please use me!” to the tune of My Heart Will Go On.
Of course, a large part of the reason why Edward is seen at the ideal man is that he does not take advantage of the girl who throws herself so completely and unconditionally into his power. After his outburst he apologizes and promises, nay, swears not to hurt her. And then, in one of the most truly awkward transitions I’ve ever read, they go back to their shallow, flippant conversation.
“I’m not thirsty today, honestly.” He winked.At that I had to laugh, though the sound was shaky and breathless.
“Are you all right?” he asked tenderly, reaching out to slowly, carefully, to place his marble hand back in mine.
I looked at his smooth, cold hand, and then at his eyes. They were soft, repentant. I looked back at his hand, and then deliberately returned to tracing the lines in his hand with my fingertip. I looked up and smiled timidly. (p. 265)
THIS MAN WAS JUST THREATENING YOUR LIFE… oh, screw it.
They go back to their conversation, and Bella realizes that Edward has never been with anybody romantically before…. Implausible, but whatever. We already knew he was emotionally repressed. Anyway, Edward again tries to convince Bella to leave, and again she insists on staying. He tells her how much he craves her company, but reminds her that he’s MOOR DANGERUS!!! to her than to anyone else.
Why is that, you ask? Well, as it turns out, Bella is Edward’s brand of heroin. Her blood has the precise balance of hemoglobin, plasma, fibrinogen, and leucocytes to get Edward hot and hungry. She smells so good that each time he’d seen her, from the first day she walked into biology, he had been fighting the urge to devour her.
Edward goes on to describe in detail his past battles with hunger.
“In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought the each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow…He looked up then at my staggered expression as I tried to absorb his bitter memories. His golden eyes scorched from under his lashes, hypnotic and deadly.
“You would have come,” he promised.
I tried to speak calmly. “Without a doubt.” (p. 270)
The sound you just heard was my head repeatedly hitting my keyboard.
But regardless, the way Edward’s saga goes, the day after Bella first arrived at school, he ran away to Alaska to avoid ruining his family. A few days later he returned, more confident in his ability to resist.
“It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn’t simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn’t used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica’s mind… her mind isn’t very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that. (p. 271)
This is my death glare, you arrogant snot.
Anyway, as the weeks went by, Edward became more and more interested in Bella’s unreadable thoughts. He saved her from the car accident, exposing to her his supernatural powers. He was shocked, shocked that Bella kept the secret (though nobody would have believed her if she had told them). Bla bla bla… “I tried to stay away from you, but I couldn’t”… Bla bla bla… Bella never realized how frequently her life had been in danger.
And then Edward confesses his ultimate devotion.
He lifted his glorious, agonized eyes to mine. “You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever.” (p. 273)
So our author expects us to believe that Bella is the only remotely interesting person Edward has met in 100 years, and after a few months of knowing her he has declared her the center of his existence, this girl who has probably one of the dullest mind imaginable… Do I even need to go on?
Bella answers with an equally absurd declaration.
“You already know how I feel of course,” I finally said. “I’m here… which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you.” (p. 274)
Excuse me, I need to make a call…
Hello…?
Hey, Death, it’s Artim—
Hello? Who is this…?
Artimaeus. Look, I gotta call in a favor. There’s this girl, see, who just has it comin—
I’m sorry, this is my voicemail. Bet you thought I actually answered your call. Ha. If you still want to reach me, leave your name and message at the sound of the beep…
Damnit, I am so not in the mood for this bullshi—
Beep.
….
Click
That asshole… Anyway,
As the scene continues there’s more talk between our lovers about masochistic lions and stupid lambs falling in love. Then they go back to touching, and discuss how much physical contact they can indulge in without Edward introducing Bella to Death. Edward decides to have an intense desensitization session of sorts, which ultimately results in about three paragraphs of Bella slowly creaming herself as Edward nuzzles her collarbone.
And then, too soon, he released me. “It won’t be so hard again,” he said with satisfaction. (p. 276)
Pfftahahahahahaha. Just goes to show there’s nothing a little unintentional innuendo won’t make interesting.
But in all fairness, the dialogue in this section is not badly written, once you look past the subject matter. I wouldn’t call it believable, at least not if you give it the barest level of thought, but it sounds natural and reads very easily, which can cover a lot of bullshit. Plus, I won’t lie, there is something sweet about the tender advances of first love.
“I don’t know how to be close to you,” he admitted. “I don’t know if I can.”I leaned forward slowly, cautioning him with my eyes. I placed my cheek against his stone chest. I could hear his breath, and nothing else. “This is enough,” I sighed, closing my eyes.
In a very human gesture, he put his arms around me and pressed his face against my hair.
“You’re better at this than you give yourself credit for,” I noted.
Come on. Take this out of context and tell me it isn’t adorable (okay, aside from the part about his “stone chest”; that’s just weird). Unfortunately, every few paragraphs, also there’s a passage like this one,
He held my hands between his. They felt so feeble in his iron strength. (p. 278)
to remind us that we are still reading the antithesis to modern feminism.
Anyway, back to the story. The day is growing late, and it’s time for Bella to go back home. So Edward slings Bella onto his back and does his best imitation of Sonic the Hedgehog. The experience leaves Bella woozy and a little nauseous. Edward is, as usual, insufferably smug about his superpowers. They take a moment for Bella to recover. Then Edward kisses her. And then, shit really goes down.
And then his cold, marble lips pressed very softly against mine.What neither of us was prepared for was my response.
Blood boiled under my skin, burned in my lips. My breath came in a wild gasp. My fingers knotted in his hair, clutching him to me. My lips parted as I breathed in his heady scent.
Immediately I felt him turn to unresponsive stone beneath my lips. His hands gently, but with irresistible force, pushed my face back. I opened my eyes and saw his guarded expression.
Good god, where to begin…
Ok, first let me say that I’m not a big fan of the perspective that, in matters of love, men are predators and women prey. If you ask me, it creates a culture where desire is shameful and dehumanizing for women, and men are emasculated for seeking anything more than raw physical pleasure. And although this perspective come part and parcel with vampire mythology, most modern vampire stories subvert it by having sympathetic vampires, or by portraying vampirism itself as an intimate experience (for the victim). Twilight plays it depressingly straight.
But that’s besides the point. What pisses me off is that, in a world where vampires (and, by metaphorical extention, men in general) are clearly established as predators, Bella’s wild lust does not only show that she lacks self-control, but that she is incapable of taking the barest responsibility for her own safety. Even in matters of love, it is Edward who must intervene, Edward who must be strong, Edward who must protect Bella from her own wild lust. She relies on Edward, quite literally, for every aspect of her physical and emotional security. This is not what a strong, independent protagonist looks like, and anyone who thinks otherwise is officially too dumb to live.
Unfortunately, Death has gotten in the habit of not answering calls.
Anyway, Bella apologizes for her weakness, Edward gloats about his strength, and I die a little on the inside.
He laughed aloud. “I’m stronger than I thought. It’s nice to know.”“I wish I could say the same. I’m sorry.”
“You are only human after all.”
“Thanks so much,” I said, my voice acerbic. (p.283)
“You are only a woman after all.”
Since Bella is still disoriented from riding Edward (the joke had to be made), he offers to drive her home. At first, it looks like Bella might insist on driving herself, though I doubt it would make up for the past thirty pages of barefaced misogyny. Unfortunately, we don’t even get that much.
“Bella, I’ve already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I’m not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can’t even walk straight. Besides, friends don’t let friends drive drunk,” he quoted with a chuckle. I could smell the unbearably sweet fragrance coming off his chest.“Drunk?” I objected.
“You’re intoxicated by my presence.” He was grinning that playful smirk again.
“I can’t argue with that,” I sighed. There was no way around it; I couldn’t resist him in anything. (p. 284)
…
…
…
twitch twitch
And that, my friends, is the end of the chapter. Thank you for enduring this with me. Till next time, this is Artimaeus, signing out.
SMARTALIENQT on 25 June 2010, 07:25 said:
Oh, God, this is awesome.
Have you ever considered Twilight fanfiction? Because that was about
thirty sevenfifty nineone hundred and seventeen times more interesting and well-written than the actual book.For some reason, I pictured a weird chibi Bella. Who looks like chibi Kagome from Inuyasha and has the personality of Renge from Ouran High School Host Club. Which makes no sense whatsoever, and yet somehow I see it.
Yeah… moving on…
Oh, God… roflmao I never noticed that. I wonder how much else I missed – those books are so easy to skim…
Yay!
…if this wasn’t written with utter seriousness, I’d laugh because at how over-the-top and blatant it is.
I think I’ll just… step into this corner and weep for humanity, how does that sound?
walks over
curls into fetal position
OH GOD OH GOD WHYYYYYY? weeps for humanity
Nate Winchester on 25 June 2010, 08:31 said:
But you know, it is a good idea to always wear your seat belt. Man, this book is like a bizzaro PSA: it’s encouraging you to do the opposite of what you should.
You’ve clearly been to the wrong forests.
Also: trails are for sissies!
Ummmm….
What Meyer was probably thinking of:
What Ed was actually wearing:
And yet, of most women that I met who were raised in the more “exploited” times (like my grandmothers), one thing you could never say about them was that they had insecurity. I mean, maybe they did but you could never see it. Somedays I wonder if we’ve been wrong about what we’ve assumed about the past…
break time!
You know… II should really head up a telethon/psa style youtube video against thesaurus abuse using use contributors… I can see it now…
Actually I can believe that. It seems of late that english majors find it more important to be more confusing. If you want clarity and conciseness, talk to engineers.
Fixed.
As a man… I think that’s what offends me so much about this book. Oh not that men should behave themselves. I believe fathers have every right to murder any boy that touches their daughter. No, I’m more offended that this seems to absolve women of any responsibility in the relationship. Let me sum up long rant with this: gals, you’re all hot. Is it too much to ask that you don’t make behaving harder for guys than it usually is? (pun intended)
mmmm…. leucocytes….
Again, this book annoys me with all of its missed opportunities. See, you think that with his properties, Edward can’t really touch Bella AT ALL without risking even a small bruise. That could have been an interesting love story: where she touches him but he has to always remain still less he shatter her like glass.
See? See? That’s what I mean!
Nooooooooooooooo
No, it’s an antithesis to common sense.
EXACTLY!!!
Actually… this does make me wonder, what if twilight was reversed? What if we had Edna who was a perfect gal pursuing Ben, a clumsy, no-willed guy who’s mind she can’t read? Someone want to get on that?
Of course, you’re only human.
No. No. It’s misanthropy.
Puppet on 25 June 2010, 10:19 said:
It’s even worse then I remember. If Artimaeus gets through the entire saga I think we should all declare him Overlord of ImpishIdea.
WiseWillow on 25 June 2010, 12:18 said:
Oh sweet lord this is awful. But… I’m suddenly intrigued. DAMN YOU, BILE FASCINATION!
And this reminds me, I’m seeing Eclipse next week… Sob
Snow White Queen on 25 June 2010, 12:37 said:
…
…
I have no words. I applaud your fortitude, Artimaeus.
swenson on 25 June 2010, 13:08 said:
Are you planning on doing all four books? Because if you are…
Well, I’ll send flowers to the funeral.
Anyway, brilliantly well done. The only possible way to get through this stuff normally is what I did when I read these, which is skim as quickly as possible and just plain skip the mushy-gushy bits. The fortitude it must take to analyze it line-by-line as you do! It’s unbelievable. We are humbled by your courage.
Heh, I like the Death bits. Maybe he should be a recurring character in your sporks. At any rate, the more you write about other things, the less you have to think about Twilight…
falconempress on 26 June 2010, 04:18 said:
SPARKLESSSSS
Seriously, I love this series you are doing. Great job:)
fffan on 26 June 2010, 05:59 said:
… dink
… Thanks alot, Twilight.
Dominique on 26 June 2010, 07:05 said:
“May I remind the reader that our author was allegedly an English Major?”
I was an ACTUAL English Major, and I asked my professors what they thought of Twilight. NOT ONE said ONE WORD in praise of it. Meyer gives a bad name to education, literature, and women everywhere with her horrible, wet-dream inspired shlock.
Great stuff you’re writing, here. The snark is the only thing that keeps me from weeping softly.
Artimaeus on 26 June 2010, 11:39 said:
That pretty much sums it up.
They probably had better things to worry about than how thin they were and how much the boys payed attention to them. But if you’re interested in this sort of thing, you should check out this book called schoolgirls . It’s a little old and it gets a little preachy, but it’s made me see Twilight in a completely different light.
Amen brother. Let me just add that any guy who wants you to throw yourself unconditionally at him is THE LAST guy you want to actually be with. Guys who aren’t out to take advantage of you will always want you to take some responsibility in the relationship.
Dear lord no… no no no no no. No. Unless somebody starts paying me to do this. No. Twilight is enough.
Death is always there, waiting ;)
I’ve gotten a similar reacotion from every profesional author I’ve met also. And there’s also Stephen King. It’s hard to believe anybody takes these books seriously.
swenson on 26 June 2010, 12:35 said:
I suddenly remembered… I took cold medicine to sleep once too. I don’t think I pulled out my hair over it as much as Bella, but I’m the sort of person who avoids medicine as much as possible unless I really, really feel bad, so I can kind of understand Bella’s “Nuooo, I shouldn’t do this”. But her whole “Normally I wouldn’t condone this” thing? What on Earth! I don’t think it’s a matter of condoning something or not. It’s not like you have to take a stance on whether or not using cold medicine to sleep is good or bad. It’s not exactly a moral issue, you know!
Romantic Vampire Lover on 26 June 2010, 13:53 said:
Tee hee. :D That’s the first thing I thought when I read that passage too. Thanks so much for this; it made my day. :D Perceptive and snarky, as always. Keep it up. Oh, and:
^^ This.
dragonarya on 27 June 2010, 12:39 said:
What if the vampire is female? :D
Artimaeus on 28 June 2010, 00:44 said:
Then she’s also a predator, at least in a regular vampire story. Normally, they’re character type corresponds to The Vamp , and they use their erotic powers to corrupt virtuous men. They’re also known to target young children.
In Twilight, however, all female characters, vampire or no, are defined by their relationship with a male character (with the possible exception of Alice), and are never pose a threat to anybody. This changes in Book three kinda with Victoria, but her entire motivation was still to avenge the death of the man in her life. I haven’t read the book, but I don’t think her villainry has any real subtext. Point is, Meyer seems unable to give a woman power over a man, even when that power is implicitly evil.
dragonarya on 28 June 2010, 09:27 said:
I see. That’s a very good point and one of the biggest… flaws, let’s say, of Twilight.
Steph (what is left) on 5 July 2010, 01:53 said:
I. Love. You.