Spanman

Before we start, let me scare away the weaker-stomached of you with a list that summarises Eclipse in a few simple, yet devastating words.

1. There is kissing.
2. There is a lot of kissing. This isn’t just Bella/Edward kissing. This is like everyone/everyone kissing. Trust me. It’s ugly.
3. Shirtless men.
4. Devastatingly good-looking people snarling at each other.
5. Someone kissing someone else.
6. Victoria’s hair. Everywhere.
7. People’s heads shattering into little diamondy pieces.
8. Did I mention the kissing?

I got it down to eight points. It was hard. I hope you’re having second thoughts about reading this review.

The film begins in Seattle, where we are shown a guy unwisely walking around dark alleyways in the pouring rain at night. Naturally, and to no one’s surprise, he gets chased for a while by something that moves very fast, and which bites him in the hand. While my fear of dark alleyways is fortified, said Nameless Guy screams on the wet pavement as the poison spreads.

As you may remember from the last movie, Edward popped the question at the end just before the credits rolled. When we cut to Forks at the beginning of Eclipse, he’s still popping the question. Over and over again. And Bella keeps saying no, for a myriad of silly reasons like “What will people think of me if I get married right out of high school? That I got knocked up”, and “Marriage is just a piece of paper.” What she should really do is get right down the the meat of the matter and tell Edward that he’s a prick. But alas, it’s not to be. It only takes her half the movie to accept him, on the terms that she gets to sleep with him before she gets turned. What? Does she have a death wish or something? Well, yes, but really. It’s just too much.

Here’s one of the things that made this movie enjoyable for me: Charlie. Charlie and his famed mustache. He and the mustache make several appearances throughout the movie, always the voice of common sense and awkward fatherhood. Charlie grounded Bella for running off to Italy in the last movie, and ungrounds her on the condition that she hang out with someone other than Edward for once, like Jacob. Too bad Jacob’s not talking to her! Or answering her calls. And she can’t see him either, because when she decides to go to La Push, Edward sabotages the engine on her truck so she can’t go. If you thought he was controlling before, just wait. It gets worse.

Bella and Edward go to Florida for a couple of days to see Renee, Bella’s mother. Don’t ask me how Edward managed to be in Florida without blinding everyone with his sparkling skin, because all they showed of him there was him sitting inside while Renee and Bella sunbathed. Renee is another voice of common sense. She knows Bella and Edward love each other, but often says things like “I’ll never see you if you go to the University of Alaska” to make Bella feel extremely guilty and sad about wanting to change into a vampire, because then she’ll never be able to see anyone she loves besides Edward. Please, just listen to your mother for once. While Bella and Edward are gone, Victoria sneaks into Forks. The Cullens chase her away though, easily enough, except Emmett accidentally sets a toe inside werewolf territory and has a snarling contest with a wolf the size of a small elephant.

When Bella and Edward return to school on Monday after their vacation, Jacob finally makes an appearance, complete with foreboding guitar solos playing in the background. He’s there to warn Edward about his family straying into his territory again. Bella demands to know why he never talks to her anymore, to which he answers “Because I have nothing to say.” Neither does she, mate. Despite all this, Jacob takes Bella to La Push on his motorcycle so they can talk there without Edward’s intervention. It’s really easy to like Jacob. Sure, he’s angsty, sure, he likes Bella, who could use a truckload of character development. But he’s actually likeable, which is more than can be said for every other character in this movie besides Emmett and Charlie. For a while, they do things like sit in Jacob’s garage and talk, visit Sam’s hut in the woods (where Bella meets the first female werewolf, who is a bit of a bitch), and sit around campfires listening to old Quileute legends. Then Bella lets slip that she’s going to have Edward turn her into a vampire after graduation (just a month away), and Jacob gets mad at her again. He tells her that he’d rather she was dead than a vampire. Finally, someone says something that makes sense! But Bella huffs off instead of listening to him.

Meanwhile, in Seattle, we find out that the nameless guy from the beginning is named Riley, and that he’s creating an army of newborn vampires, who are all very snarly and like to make bloody messes of people on a daily basis. The Cullens are sure that the Volturi will step in and fix everything soon, so they do nothing. In case you don’t remember, the Volturi are the Italian (inexplicably possessing American, British, and everything-but-Italian accents) peace-keeping vampires, who go around making sure that all the vampires keep themselves to themselves and don’t make a scene.

Cut back to Forks! Jacob’s ready to make his move. He finally tells Bella that he loves her and kisses her to prove it. Bella punches him in the face though, so I guess your advances are unwelcome, Jacob! Good thing she broke her hand doing it. Edward gets understandably hissy about it, but Charlie walks in before he can tear Jacob’s face off and breaks up the fight. Charlie’s awesome, by the way. He thinks it’s funny that Jacob kissed Bella and she broke her hand punching him in the face. I thought it was funny too. And while we’re on the subject of Charlie, he tries to give Bella The Talk because he suspects that she’s sleeping with Edward. It’s deliciously awkward and one of my favourite scenes in the film.

Bella, along with Edward, Alice, and Jasper, all soon graduate from high school, wearing yellow robes that clash horribly with their topaz eyes. There’s a party at the Cullens later – even Jacob shows up to apologise to Bella for losing his temper. But Alice has a vision of all the newborn vampires coming to kill Bella, eat people, and generally cause mayhem all around. Kill Bella?! Why? Because surprise, Vengeful Victoria is really the one behind all the creating of newborn vampires, and Riley’s just a tool, albeit a good-looking one.

Suddenly, all the Cullens are frantically planning how they can possibly beat an army of newborn vampires (which are at least twice as strong as non-newborns). Good thing Jacob’s there to volunteer himself and his mates to help. Everyone is uneasy with the alliance, what with vampires smelling like industrial-strength peroxide and the werewolves smelling like wet dogs in the sun, but they make do. Here we learn some backstory on Rosalie and Jasper, and it’s revealed that Jasper (hair as bad as ever, maybe worse) was turned into a vampire during the Civil War, and had lots of experience with newborns. There’s a really cool scene where he and the rest of the Cullens mock-fight in preparation for the upcoming battle while the werewolves look on. I’m no expert on fight scenes, but I really enjoyed it. Have I mentioned how cool Emmett is? Not as good as he is in the book, but still pretty awesome. He doesn’t even kiss anyone, which is more than I can say for Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Bella, Edward, and Jacob.

Bella gets spirited away up the mountain with Jacob and Edward, both of whom are playing a little game of Who Can Protect Bella Better. Jacob wins that night, when a snowstorm rolls in and the tent, sleeping bag, coat, boots, and mittens are not adequate to keep Bella warm. In hops Jacob, all 109 degrees of him, to keep Bella toasty. Ah, sweet drama. The next morning, after a night of Edward and Jacob having a heart to heart talk about Bella, Jacob happens to overhear that Bella and Edward are engaged. Oops! He tries to run off in a huff, but Bella runs after him and tries to make amends. To prove her stupidity, she asks Jacob to kiss her. Why? Because she loves him, of course! Oh yes, and asking him to kiss you after he found out you’re engaged to someone else is really the best way to fix things.

Meanwhile, the newborns arrive to find the vampires and the wolves waiting for them. There’s a really big fight! Regrettably, we don’t get to see vampires being torn limb from limb, because as it happens, they shatter into diamondy bits instead of rip into nice neat disembodied limbs. But Victoria has other ideas, and she and Riley find Bella, Edward, and one of the other werewolves (not Jacob) at the top of the mountain. Both fights are won just before the Volturi arrive on the scene and brutally kill a surrendered vampire in cold blood, further asserting their statuses as baddies. Dakota Fanning gives another warning about keeping Bella human, and they leave. Handy! Except Jacob’s been badly injured by one of the newborns, and Carlisle has to break a few more of his bones in order to get him on the mend. He and Bella can never be together, of course, even though he later tells her that her being with him would be “as easy as breathing”, which I’m inclined to believe more than Edward’s tripe. And so it ends.

Did you get through all that? Congratulations! There’s no prize, sorry.

Overall, I would say that Eclipse was more well done than the two preceding films, with a better script, cinematography, acting, and lulz. However, it was also the most accurate to the book, and you can only do so much with what you’re given. Edward was completely nonpersonable as always, which made the whole idea of the love triangle silly. Jacob always got the short end of the stick. Bella made all the wrong decisions. There was way too much kissing. And so it goes on.

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