Rorschach

There comes a time in the life of every naïve twelve-year-old girl – or, perhaps, every desperately lonely middle-aged housewife – when they must make a decision that will shape their lives for all eternity. One that will affect their friends, their families, their Facebooks, and their LiveJournal avatars.

This decision, of course, is when you come up to the plate, will you be batting for Team Edward or Team Jacob?

It’s a difficult question, and considering how much rides upon it, I thought I would put together a helpful checklist to aid you:

If:
you’re into necrophilia

you enjoy the thought of people you don’t know climbing through your window and watching you sleep

you like it when a man tells you what to do

(especially when he refuses to let you visit your friends)

(especially when he breaks your car to keep you from visiting them)

you don’t mind that he fantasizes about drinking your blood

you find stalking flattering

(especially when he reads your friends’ minds to do it)

you enjoy the thought of being penetrated by an icy-cold, rock-hard penis

(that’s permanently flaccid since he doesn’t have blood)

you love that he’ll commit suicide if he thinks you’re dead

you’re attracted to men 90 years older than you

(who are still virgins)

(who compose songs for you before they even know you)

And, of course:
you love the idea that he may someday perform an emergency C-section on you by ripping through your uterine wall with his TEETH…
Then congratulations!
You’re a member of Team Edward!

But!
If:
you’re into beastiality

you’re an exhibitionist

(because since he has a hive mind with his pack, shortly after you were ever intimate with him, six other people would know every explicit, sweaty detail)

you like it when men grab you and forcibly kiss you

(when they know that you like someone else)

(and are dating that someone else)

(and then brag about forcibly kissing you to your father)

you like your men to be sweet, thoughtful, and caring

and sexually attracted to toddlers

and really good at fixing motorcycles

wait, did I mention that you like your men to be sexually attracted to toddlers? Okay.

you like your men dark

you like your men shirtless

you’re okay that he’s sexually attracted to toddlers

you don’t have a problem with pedophiles

Because despite whatever hand waving Meyer might do:

YOU HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH THE FACT THAT HE’S SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO A TODDLER
Then congratulations!
You’re a member of Team Jacob!

All rights reserved. Please use responsibly. Does not include muscular Native American chests, smoldering gazes, Adonis features, lack of emotion, general vapidity, or vaguely Mormon moral codes regarding premarital sex. Side effects may include abusive relationships, battered woman syndrome, and the loss of your soul.

Comment [34]

Before I begin, I should note that there is a tendency for some readers to trust Word of God above anything else. For example, if an author says that a character is Good then that character is Good, and as readers we should accept that they are good and justify whatever actions that characters takes by assuming that they have to be Right, therefore anyone who opposes them is Wrong.

I flatly reject this.

The page is sovereign. Everything I need to know about the characters and story is contained on the pages, and any conclusions that I draw about these characters will be based on facts contained in said pages. If a book presents a character as being good, but that character’s actions reveal him to be far more sinister, I will not assume that he is a good character.

I do this for two reasons:

First, good writers do not need anything besides the words written on the page to convey everything the reader needs to know about the story. If a story requires outside explanation from an author (NOT simply an explanation from someone who has extensively studied the work and is aware of deeper meanings hidden within the text that may not be recognized by a reader the first time through) then, in my mind, it fails as a story.

Second, there is a literary technique known as unreliable narration. Good writers will use this technique in order to expose a character’s hypocrisy, or demonstrate that although a character may tell the reader one thing, the reader understands that that character is wrong, or different from how they present themselves. As a reader, I am not going to change the way I read a book based on whether an author knows what they are doing or not – I will only read the book based on information that is on the pages.

In my opinion, Christopher Paolini does not know what he’s doing. It’s rare that an author can write an entire series and misunderstand it so thoroughly, but Paolini has managed to do so. I know that Paolini intended Eragon to be the hero, and I know he intended Sloan to be a minor villain. Ultimately, though, what Paolini intended has absolutely no affect on my analysis; only what Paolini actually wrote.

I should also advise you that while this article covers Sloan’s complete storyline throughout the first three Inheritance books, it is by necessity almost as much about Eragon and Roran as it is about Sloan himself, if not more so.

Eragon

We first meet Sloan on page 11 of Eragon. Eragon has found the dragon-egg, and, believing it to be a rock, takes it to the butcher’s to trade it for meat. Here we get the first description of Sloan, and it is through Eragon’s eyes.

He had never liked Sloan. The butcher always treated him with disdain, as if he were something unclean. A widower, Sloan seemed to care for only one person – his daughter, Katrina, on whom he doted (page 11).

Keep in mind we are viewing this through Eragon’s eyes, and Eragon is far from a reliable narrator. But still, what does this tell us? Sloan and Eragon do not like each other, but there are plenty of perfectly decent people who dislike each other for any number of reasons. But let’s examine the second part of this. Sloan is a widower, and he dotes on his daughter, Katrina. Later, we learn that Sloan’s wife died in the mountains known as the Spine, and he has a deep-rooted, possibly irrational fear of the mountains – which is understandable. It’s doubly understandable in pseudo-medieval settings when you’re dealing with a deeply superstitious, uneducated peasant like Sloan. And it’s worth noting that NO ONE in the series has any illusions that the mountains aren’t dangerous. They are, it’s an established fact. It’s just that Sloan fears them more than most.

Sloan has never remarried and there are indications that he’s never gotten over his wife’s death. It’s very common for someone who loses a family member to become doubly protective of any remaining family. Sloan is overprotective of Katrina. And with that over-protectiveness (we know that Katrina is quite good-looking), it seems obvious that Sloan would be instantly suspicious and dislike any young men who may or may not have an interest in his daughter, which explains why he dislikes Eragon and Roran.

Eragon shows Sloan the stone, who eyes it and eventually offers Eragon three crowns, which is enough to buy meat that will feed three people for a little less than week. Honestly, that sounds like a pretty good deal. Yes, the egg may be worth more than that, but it also might be completely worthless. Eragon protests but eventually agrees to the trade. However, when Eragon reveals he found the egg in the Spine Sloan changes his mind and orders Eragon out of the shop. Again, this is perfectly within Sloan’s rights – if he believes the egg is cursed, then he has every right to refuse it as payment. Of course, as a shopkeeper he can discriminate against pretty much anyone he wants to for any reason, but he has a legitimate excuse for this.

Horst, the smith, comes in and buys the meat for Eragon. Sloan isn’t pleased with the arrangement but gives in, and Eragon and Horst leave. As they walk outside, we learn another bit of information about Sloan, this time through Horst’s eyes:

“Sloan’s a vicious troublemaker; it does him good to be humbled.” (page 15)

Horst is a slightly more reliable narrator than Eragon but I still don’t trust his opinion completely. However, based on what we do know, Sloan seems like a little bit of a jerk, but there are several interesting reasons why he is a jerk. He’s the kind of character you want to know more about.

Later, Eragon is at home with his uncle, Garrow, who reveals more about Sloan:

“Sloan’s wife, Ismira, went over the Igualda Falls a year before you were brought here. He hasn’t been near the Spine since, nor had anything to do with it. But that’s no reason to refuse payment. I think he wanted to give you trouble.” (page 18).

If someone is offering you a mysterious stone that was found in a mountain range you think is cursed, that is an excellent reason to refuse it as payment, especially when there’s a good chance it might be worthless. Not that I blame Garrow for taking Eragon’s side, as Eragon is family.

We move forward to page 67. Horst warns Eragon that there are strangers in the village asking questions about the stone/dragon-egg. Eragon creeps through town until he stumbles across the strangers talking to Sloan – or at least, that’s who it sounds like. From the conversation, Eragon guesses Sloan is talking about him.

The voice was deep and moist. It conjured up images of creeping decay, mold, and other things best left untouched. “Are you sure? We would hate to think you had made a mistake. If that were so, it would be most…unpleasant.” Eragon could imagine only too well what they might do. Would anyone but the Empire dare threaten people like that? Probably not, but whoever sent the egg might be powerful enough to use force with impunity.

“Yeah, I’m sure. He had it then. I’m not lying. Plenty of people know about it. Go ask them.” Sloan sounded shaken (page 67).

The scene makes Eragon resolve to punch Sloan in the face, but let’s take Sloan’s point of view: First, it seems likely that these strangers have identified themselves as agents of the Empire, which gives them the legal right to demand any information they like. Second, it’s likely that they have threatened Sloan or Katrina. In the next scene the mere presence of these strangers is enough to give Eragon a panic attack and knock him to the ground. They’re Nazgul rip-offs, they scare everyone shitless. Finally, there is no reason for Sloan to not give them this information. Yes, they may be terrifying, but they’re asking about a rock. Why would Sloan lie? More importantly, why would he lie to government agents who may be trying to recover valuable government property (which, as it so happens, they are)?

And that, believe it or not, is the last time we see Sloan in Brick One.

Eldest

Sloan is first mentioned on page 31 when Roran thinks about Katrina, who he wants to marry. He and Sloan have never been friendly and he doubts Sloan will let them get engaged.

The Empire’s soldiers arrive in Carvahall in search of Roran, who hides in the forest. As time passes, the soldiers begin stealing and fighting amongst each other, eventually killing one of the villagers. A group of villagers, including Roran, attack the soldiers and the Ra’zac (the Nazgul clones), running them off. Afterward, the villagers meet to discuss their options:

“Even if you frightened off the Ra’zac and their soldiers, Galbatorix will just send more men. The Empire will never give up until they get Roran.”

“We should hand him over,” snarled Sloan.

Horst raised his hands. “I agree; no one is worth more than all of Carvahall. But if we surrender Roran, do you really think Galbatorix will let us escape punishment for our resistance?” (pages 93-94).

It’s interesting to note that Horst actually agrees with Sloan, but it’s also interesting that they agree on this after they attack the soldiers and run them off. After all, they have a very simple and easy way of resolving this conflict. Just in case they don’t feel like handing Roran over, they could have ordered Roran to leave the village and told the soldiers that they saw him fleeing the town. Hell, they could have just told the soldiers this. Instead, the villagers – NOT Sloan – decided to take the single worst course of action they could have possibly taken. This is important.

Eventually the villagers decide to fortify Carvahall against future attacks, because that is a totally sustainable plan when you’ve started a war against an entire Empire, but after they fortify the place, the Ra’zac and their soldiers attack again. This time Roran ends up fighting side by side with Sloan, who kills two of the soldiers and terrifies another into fleeing, effectively ending the battle.

Roran shuddered and looked at Sloan, who was cleaning his blades. “You fought well.” He had never suspected that the butcher contained such ferocity.

Sloan said in a low voice, “They’ll never get Katrina. Never, even if I must skin the lot of them, or fight a thousand Urgals and the king to boot. I’d tear the sky itself down and let the Empire drown in its own blood before she suffers so much as a scratch.” (page 138)

Sloan is clearly a man who will do anything – literally anything – to protect those he loves. Is this so different from many of the heroes we regularly celebrate? Most movie heroes are willing to flaunt the law, murder villains without a trial, and even knock the ‘good guys’ unconscious to accomplish their own ends and save their girl. Is Sloan any different?

We cut forward to a village meeting. Roran suggest that they send the woman and children into the Spine to protect them. Sloan, understandably, objects, and asks how they will stay warm and what will they eat? Roran provides several answers for this, but it’s clear that Sloan has rejected the Spine because of his fear of it. It is, after all, the place that killed his wife. It also killed half of Galbatorix’s army that one time he tried to go through it. Sloan’s fear of the Spine might be excessive, but it is still justified. At any rate, Sloan states that neither he nor his family will ever enter the Spine while he is alive, and then storms out of the meeting.

At this point, I would probably chase after Sloan, sit him down, maybe make him a nice cup of tea, and launch into an explanation that would go something like this:

“Listen…Sloan. Buddy. I understand that your wife died in the Spine. I cannot even imagine what that must have felt like – the only thing I’ve experienced that’s even comparable is the death of my father Garrow, and even that cannot compare. I understand why you hate the Spine, I really do, and if I was in your shoes, I’d feel the exact same way. The Spine is dangerous, but for someone who understands the dangers, who truly respects and understands the mountains, I think that the danger is lessened. If there were any other way – any possible way that could keep our families safe – believe me, I’d embrace it. So please, if you have some ideas, share them. I’m willing to consider any options, but I really believe that the Spine is the best choice. There are some dangers, certainly, but we know what those dangers are. If we prepare ourselves, it gives us the best chance at survival – a better chance than anything else. And so I ask you, no, I beg you, please reconsider. You want to do what is best for Katrina, I understand that, and this is the best option for keeping her out of harm’s way. They will be all right.”

That’s what I would do. Maybe I’ve always put too much weight in trying to convince someone through words, but I usually find it’s the best option and tends to yield the best results.

Roran, unsurprisingly, does not use his words:

As Roran saw it, Sloan was endangering Katrina through his own pigheaded stubbornness. If he can’t bring himself to accept the Spine as a place of refuge, decided Roran, then he’s become my enemy and I have to take matters into my own hands (page 179).

The Spine being a place of refuge is Roran’s opinion, and it’s still not a particularly good plan. It’s also extremely dangerous, and yet Roran decides that this makes Sloan his enemy, without even bothering to try and convince Sloan again.

We next see Sloan as the villagers are preparing to leave Carvahall. Katrina is carrying a pack and Sloan realizes that she plans to leave with the villagers. Sloan pulls the pack off Katrina, throws it to the ground, and starts to drag her away. Roran jumps in and separates them and shoves Sloan backward. Sloan tells Roran that he has no right to interfere.

“I have every right.” Roran looked at the ring of spectators who had gathered around and then declared so that all could hear: “Katrina and I are engaged to be married, and I would not have my future wife treated so!” For the first time that day, the villagers fell completely silent; even the donkeys were quiet.

Surprise and a deep, inconsolable pain sprang onto Sloan’s vulnerable face, along with the glimmer of tears. For a moment, Roran felt sympathy for him, then a series of contortions distorted Sloan’s visage, each more extreme than the last, until his skin turned beet red. He cursed and said, “You two-faced coward! How could you look me in the eye and speak to me like an honest man while, at the same time, courting my daughter without permission? I dealt with you in good faith, and here I find you plundering my house while my back is turned.” (page 184)

Keep in mind that Roran himself has admitted that asking Katrina to marry him was wrong:

It was wrong for him to ask, or for her to accept, without Sloan’s permission (page 132).

And yet he did. Five days ago. That’s right. He asks Katrina to marry him, and then lets five days pass before this confrontation, and during these five days Roran knows that he should approach Sloan to explain the situation and ask for his permission, and yet he doesn’t. Roran attempts to explain this as ‘events have conspired against me’, which is total bullshit. He didn’t because he is a coward. Roran should have manned up, went to Sloan, explained the situation, and done the right thing. Sure, Sloan might have said no, and Roran and Katrina might have ignored what he said and gone ahead with their engagement, but at least that would have been the honest thing to do. Instead, Roran has spit in Sloan’s face and disrespected him in every possible way.

Now you may be thinking, what’s the big deal? Sloan doesn’t own Katrina. Well, if we look at this from an Alagaesian point of view, Roran really doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Sloan is her father, and what he says pretty much goes. He has the right to tell his daughter what to do and Roran needs to ask his permission before asking Katrina to marry him.

Even if we look at this from a 21st-century point of view, Roran doesn’t come across much better. Katrina is under the age of 18. In many countries, she would still be under the authority of her father/parents/legal guardian, who would decide whether to let her get married or if she was allowed to go to dangerous places that might kill her.

Sloan tells Roran that he would rather have a “maggot-riddled pig” for a son than him. He points out that Roran has no farm and family, which are valid points. Katrina needs someone to provide for her. Roran is, at best, desperately poor. He has no land, no house, and no real way to provide for Katrina or any children they might have.

Sloan orders Katrina to come to him. Katrina refuses and tells him that she is going to marry Roran. Sloan tries to grab her but Roran punches him, knocking him down. Sloan is crushed:

In a low whisper, he said, “It is always so; those closest to the heart cause the most pain. Thou will have no dowry from me, snake, nor your mother’s inheritance.” Weeping bitterly, Sloan turned and fled towards his shop (page 185).

This seems harsh, but let’s keep several things in mind: first, Sloan has just been humiliated in front of the entire village by someone he despises. After this, his beloved daughter has just told him that she chooses this person over him. Finally, by telling him this, she’s also told him she’s planning on traveling into the Spine, which in Sloan’s mind means that she is going to a certain death. These words are also spoken in anger and embarrassment. It’s quite possible that Sloan would have later relented.

Later, Elain, one of the villagers, calls Roran on this:

“[…] why on earth didn’t you speak to Sloan about your engagement before this morning?”

[…]

A painful laugh escaped Roran. “I could have, but it never seemed the right time with all the attacks.”

“The Ra’zac haven’t attacked for almost six days now.”

He scowled. “No, but…it was… Oh, I don’t know!” He banged his fist on the table with frustration (page 192).

I’m not saying that this situation would be easy for Roran. It wouldn’t. It would be one of the hardest things in his life. But Roran is, for better or worse, a Hero. Eldest is the tale of Roran becoming a Hero and saving his entire village from certain death. And yet this hero is unable to do the right thing by the woman he loves? And he doesn’t even have an excuse? Not even a weak one?

Elain tells Roran that he needs to go to Sloan the next day and beg his forgiveness. Roran protests but Elain argues him down and the scene ends with Roran going to sleep, and we can assume, at least, that Roran might have gone to Sloan the next day to beg his forgiveness. To be honest, I think Roran should have gone to Sloan that night, but your mileage may vary. That night, however, the Ra’zac attack and capture Katrina, wounding Roran in the process. Roran and some villagers chase after them and eventually find them with a large group of soldiers which is apparently too large to attack. On the way they find Byrd, the watchman, who has been stabbed in the back and is dead. After a bit, the Ra’zac carry Katrina out of a tent, and they are followed by Sloan, who is not tied up at all.

Roran stared, unable to comprehend how Sloan had been captured. His house isn’t anywhere near Horst’s. Then it struck him. “He betrayed us,” said Roran with wonder. His fist slowly tightened on his hammer as the true horror of the situation exploded within him. “He killed Byrd and he betrayed us!” Tears of rage streamed down his face (page 199).

There is no evidence – absolutely none – that Sloan killed Byrd. One could argue that Byrd was stabbed in the back so it must have been Sloan. I would point out that Byrd is a peasant with no military training. It would not really be that hard to sneak up behind him and stab him.

However, I would like to go over the more important word – betrayed. Roran thinks that Sloan has betrayed them. And in a way, he has. But betrayal is and always will be in the eyes of the wronged party. It is a very subjective word. Let us keep in mind that King Galbatorix is the legal and rightful ruler of (most of) Alagaesia. It is not be hard to argue that Sloan’s true loyalty belongs to Galbatorix, and by extension, the Ra’zac, as they are agents of the Empire. It’s worth pointing out that everyone in the entire village is already a traitor.

What we do know is that Sloan does not (at first) appear to be under duress, which indicates that Sloan has struck a deal with the Ra’zac. Which is well within his rights. Sloan can decide where his loyalties lie. I would be remiss to not point out here that Sloan is motivated by love. In his mind, by entering the Spine, Katrina is going to her death. He is doing what he has to do to protect her, which is something that both Eragon and Roran have done throughout the ‘Cycle’.

As they watch, Sloan gets into an argument with the Ra’zac, who knock him unconscious and then leave, taking him and Katrina with them. And that’s the end Sloan’s involvement in Brick Two.

Brisingr

We next see Sloan inside the prison at Helgrind while Roran and Eragon are rescuing Katrina.

His ragged clothes barely covered his pale, emaciated body; the corners of his bones stood out in sharp relief underneath his translucent skin. His blue veins were also prominent. Sores had formed on his wrists where the manacles chafed. The ulcers oozed a mixture of clear fluid and blood. What remained of his hair had turned gray or white and hung in lank, greasy ropes over his pock-marked face. […] Where his eyelids should have been, there were now only a few scraps of tattered skin draped over the raw cavities underneath. […] With a shock, Eragon realized that the Ra’zac had pecked out Sloan’s eyes.

What he then should do, Eragon could not decide. The butcher had told the Ra’zac that Eragon had found Saphira’s egg. Furthermore, Sloan had murdered the watchman, Byrd, and betrayed Carvahall to the Empire. If he were brought before his fellow villagers, they would undoubtedly find Sloan guilty and condemn him to death by hanging.

It seemed only right, to Eragon, that the butcher should die for his crimes (page 54).

As we have been over, telling the Ra’zac that Eragon had found Saphira’s egg could not possibly be considered a crime. Any one of the villagers would have done the same thing, probably without even the threat of force. It’s not something that someone would realize they need to keep secret. And even if you think that telling the Ra’zac that was morally wrong, it’s not a crime. We also do not know that Sloan murdered Byrd – Roran assumed that he did. While it’s possible that Sloan did this, it’s far from concrete and there is no evidence for it.

Finally, let’s examine Sloan’s ‘betrayal’. What, exactly, has Sloan done? We don’t know. Neither does Eragon. We do know that the Ra’zac knew where Roran was sleeping, so someone probably told them. Based on the circumstances, I think Sloan went to the Ra’zac and offered to give them Roran, since Roran is all they want and that is why they and the soldiers were hanging around Carvahall in the first place. The villagers amount to jack shit. The only reason why the Ra’zac even cared about them was because the villagers attacked them in defense of Roran.

So: what has Sloan done? He has gone to the legal authorities – remember, the Ra’zac are agents of King Galbatorix – and turned in a criminal. Roran is a wanted fugitive and he has killed soldiers. Sloan has turned Roran in to save Katrina’s life. And although we don’t know this, it is certainly possible that Sloan has engineered a deal to spare the village as well. It is likely that once Roran was apprehended the Ra’zac would have simply left. The villagers might have faced repercussions, but they were certainly no worse off than they were before. I think it’s also important to remember that this entire situation that the village found itself in is not Sloan’s fault. He did not attack a group of soldiers and put the entire village into danger. He is simply reacting to a shitty situation in the best way that he knew how.

[On a side note, I have a plausible explanation for how Sloan is completely innocent – completely innocent – of absolutely everything. I’m not going to go into it here because I don’t think it’s actually what happened, but if Sloan were ever taken to trial, he could certainly pull this out. Also, that’s a separate project for a future date].

But let’s say, just for the sake of argument, that Sloan is guilty. He betrayed the village’s trust. Let’s even say he murdered Byrd. There are, in Alagaesia, people who pronounce judgment, Eragon knows this and even thinks about them over the next few pages, so even if Sloan is guilty, he has the right to speak for himself. Witnesses should be called, and an appointed judge or jury has the right to determine his guilt and any punishment. Not Eragon.

Eragon has already decided that Sloan is guilty, without even asking him to account for his actions, and his reasoning for not bringing Sloan back to face a trial is because it might bother Katrina:

Watching an arbitrator publicly denounce Sloan’s offenses and then hang him would be no easy thing for her or, by extension, Roran. Such hardship might even create enough ill will between them to end their engagement. Either way, Eragon was convinced that taking Sloan back with them would sow discord between him, Roran, Katrina, and the other villagers, and might engender enough anger to distract them from their struggle against the Empire (page 55).

Distract them from the struggle against the Empire? Bullshit. Not a chance in hell. No, Eragon is considering suspending a man’s right to a fair trial and murdering him because it might make life difficult otherwise.

That is literally, without exaggeration, what is happening in this scene.

Naturally, Eragon tries to justify it:

Sloan’s guilt was not in dispute; he was a murderer and a traitor. Any lawgiver would sentence him to execution (page 55).

And even if his guilt was not in dispute, Eragon is not a lawgiver.

Eragon’s conscience doesn’t let him kill Sloan, so he knocks Sloan out and tells Roran and Katrina that Sloan is dead. After Roran and Katrina leave, he carries Sloan out of Helgrind and starts trying to decide what to do with him.

“I can’t just let him go,” he murmured. If he did, Sloan might track down Roran and Katrina, a prospect that Eragon considered unacceptable. Besides, even though he was not going to kill Sloan, he believed the butcher should be punished for his crimes (page 75).

Unacceptable…why? Because they would know that Eragon just lied to them? More important, Sloan is blind, homeless, and helpless. Even if he managed to find them, what exactly would he be able to do?

After a brief conversation, Eragon introduces himself. Initially Sloan does not believe him.

Thrusting out with his mind he engulfed Sloan’s consciousness in his own and forced the butcher to accept memories that confirmed the truth of his statements. He also wanted Sloan to feel the power that was now his and to realize that he was no longer entirely human. And while Eragon was reluctant to admit it, he enjoyed having control over a man who had often made trouble for him and his family. He withdrew half a minute later (page 78).

Eragon is supposed to be the hero of this story.

The butcher’s demeanor became cold and flinty. “Blast you,” he said. “I don’t have to explain myself to you, Eragon Son of None. Understand this, though. I did what I did for Katrina’s sake and nothing else.” (page 78).

At no point does Eragon ever ask Sloan what happened, nor does Sloan ever admit to anything.

After some thought, Eragon figures out Sloan’s true name. He has a brief telepathic conversation with the queen of the Elves, and finally decides on Sloan’s punishment. Again, he does not ask Sloan if he has any defense for his actions. Eragon just pronounces judgment:

“Since my conscience prevents me from killing you, your punishment is to be the most terrible I could invent short of death. I’m convinced that what you said before is true, that Katrina is more important to you than anything else. Therefore, your punishment is this: you shall not see, touch, or talk with your daughter again, even unto your dying day, and you shall live with the knowledge that she is with Roran and they are happy together, without you.” (page 90)

Some fates are worse than death. Eragon has just sentenced Sloan to one. In an act that Eragon pretends is merciful, he deliberately chooses the most cruel punishment that he can possibly think of for someone who has done everything in the name of love – and more importantly, has not committed any crime. Even if you think that Sloan did kill Byrd, he has already lost everything. The Ra’zac ate his eyes out of his head. He has spent months rotting in prison. At this point, it’s not unreasonable to think that Sloan has suffered enough, yet Eragon sentences him to the most cruel punishment that he can think of that will give him inconsolable grief and heartache for the rest of his natural life.

Sloan spends a paragraph calling Eragon every name in the book, which warms my heart, and finally tells Eragon that he doesn’t have the right to do any of this.

“I am a Dragon Rider. I have as much right as any king or queen.” (page 91)

Bullshit.

While kings and queens do not necessarily have ‘rights’ as we would argue in the 21st century, at the very least they were recognized in medieval days as being arbitrators by the general public, and if the general public gives you the power to do something, then you have that power. More importantly, a king or arbitrator will probably be a neutral party in a disagreement or trial and be able to make a fair and correct decision based on the evidence presented. We already know that Eragon is not even remotely impartial. He has admitted to himself that he enjoys tormenting Sloan as revenge for how the butcher treated him. There is not a single person in all of Alagaesia who is less qualified to pass judgment, and of course Eragon does.

He forces Sloan to swear oaths in the ancient language that will prevent him from ever contacting Katrina again, and also compels him to travel to the land of the Elves. Surprisingly, Eragon does leave him with a nugget of hope: as time passes, a man’s true name might change. If it does, Sloan would no longer be bound by the oaths he just swore. He also has made a deal with the Elves: if Sloan changes and becomes a better person, the Elves will give him his eyesight back. And I think this would almost redeem Eragon, except he’s handed down this horrible punishment on someone who is completely innocent. Nice job, buddy.

There is a brief and uninteresting scene where Eragon meets Sloan near the end of Brisingr. Sloan does not seem happy about his current predicament. Which I think is pretty understandable.

What can we take away from all this? Sloan got shafted, Roran is a douchebag, and Eragon is a sociopathic prick. Also, Christopher Paolini really, really cannot write.

Further Reading: I highly recommend Eragon Shadeslayer: Sociopath

Comment [36]

A Note for Team Tesch: Criticism of your video, your website, your public comments, newsletter, and promotional tactics is protected under Fair Use of U.S. copyright law. I have the legal right to use portions of that video and quotations and screencaps from your websites for the purposes of both critique and parody, and I will use that right. However, if you would like to post any sort of response or rebuttal to my comments, you are welcome to do so. In the interest of fairness, I will publish them, complete and unabridged, alongside my own comments. Alternately, you can publish them on your own website and I will happily link to them.

Let’s begin.

Gloria Tesch, as you are probably aware, wrote Maradonia and the Seven Bridges at age 13. Being blessed with parents even richer than Christopher Paolini’s, her book was promptly self-published, sending her spiraling downward into a tailspin of egotistical narcissism and self-delusion.

And yes – her book is most certainly self-published. The publisher is listed as Liberty’s Book Press. Google it. They’ve published Maradonia, and nothing else.

the Tesch publicity machine of the past was an absolute fiasco

This quote is taken from a comment left on a YouTube video criticizing Gloria Tesch (the video has since been removed due to a copyright claim filed by Team Tesch). One of these comments was signed “AF”, and they mentioned that if you wanted to find out more about him, to follow the link to Tesch’s website. This strongly indicates they were left by Andrew Fisher, who designed Tesch’s website. I have to agree with Fisher’s assessment.

Like Robert Stanek, Tesch began trying to publicize her book through internet sockpuppetry. Unlike Robert Stanek, she wasn’t very successful at it. For awhile, she spammed Yahoo Answers trying to pass herself off as the World’s Youngest Novelist, which is demonstratively untrue. When critics pointed out that other authors had published books at a younger age, Tesch responded by saying she was the youngest “real” novelist because her books were 800 pages long, which in hindsight is rather funny after she re-released the Maradonia trilogy by splitting each of the books in half and turning it into a six-book series. This is also funny because the real reason for the books’ high page count is their enormous font sizes, large margins, random gaps in the text, and short chapters which pad the page count considerably. More importantly, Tesch is not a real novelist because her books were never actually published – they were self-published through a vanity press.

In the past, many critics, and I admit I have been one of them, have cheerfully assigned much of the blame to Gloria Tesch herself. However, I have amended my opinion, now choosing to assign much of the blame to Tesch’s parents. While I’m certainly in favor of parents encouraging their children, I’m also in favor of parents keeping their children honest and helping them improve their writing and maintain humility. If one’s parents proclaim one a child prodigy, and shelter one from all forms of criticism, what motivation does one have to improve one’s writing? Absolutely none. Tesch’s parents have been throwing money at Gloria’s writing since she started. And because of this, Tesch has kept on going under the belief that her writing is brilliant and she has hundreds of fans…although I have not seen any evidence that she has any fans. I have been unable to find a single fan website anywhere on the internet.

Tesch’s reviews are also problematic. The reviews on Amazon are absolutely vicious, and deservedly so. However, Tesch’s website has a number of very good reviews on it. Several of these are from Leah Dallaire.

Leah Dallaire is an editor. She has a website called 911editing, and I strongly suspect that she is one of Tesch’s editors – which, if nothing else, should indicate that you should never, ever hire her. But take a look at some of the reviews that Dallaire has written for Tesch – and I would like to point out that Dallaire has written not one, not two, but THREE of the reviews on this page:

Notice the last line: “humbled to be a part of this” – strong indication that she is not just a reader. She’s on Team Tesch.

For a page on Tesch’s website devoted to reader reviews, why would you put up two different reviews of the exact same book by the exact same person…unless you didn’t have very many good reviews to put up in the first place?

Dallaire’s other review is a copy of the review that she put on Amazon, where it is one of the two five-star reviews of Maradonia and the Seven Bridges. I suspect that a book’s editor putting up a glowing review of a book on Amazon is against the site’s terms and conditions. It’s certainly morally bankrupt.

As if that wasn’t enough, two MORE reviews on the exact same page are from Mary F. Dado, who is ALSO one of Tesch’s editors:

Again, note the comment about how she’s on Gloria’s “Team”.

Tesch also claimed, repeatedly, to have her very own television show. As Swankivy and others have noted, Gloria’s television show is public access, meaning it’s available to anyone who can purchase space. If I purchased public access TV, I could spend an hour showing a tape of me knitting a scarf, and no one would care. However, it would still probably be more interesting than The Gloria Tesch Show, which is really just a camera on Tesch sitting there reading stories out of her book.

(from the Sept. 2010 newsletter)

Despite listing the show as being for sale, as far as I know no copies were ever actually produced. At least one person who ordered the television show received a copy of Maradonia and the Law of Blood instead. Even more interesting, several members of Anti-Shurtugal attempted to watch the show during times Tesch claimed it was being broadcast and were not ever able to find it on the air.

Tesch is also very fond of snapping pictures of herself and her book in various locations:

“The Maradonia Novel Stands Out!” (pictures and caption from Tesch’s Myspace.)

You’re right, Tesch. It does stand out. Could that be because every single other book on the shelf has a library tag on it and Maradonia doesn’t? It couldn’t be that you just stuck it there on the shelf and then snapped a quick picture of it, right? After all, what would be the point of that? No, seriously, what would be the point of that?

I’d like to draw your attention to several things. First, notice the bestseller rankings. Notice that #6, #7, and #8 all have different books above each one. And notice that Tesch is apparently trying to claim that Maradonia and the Seven Bridges is the #1, #2, and #3 bestselling books… all at the same time. I’d also like you to note that every one of these books has a 40% off sticker on it, which is a special that this particular chain is running. And, just in case you weren’t already fully convinced that Tesch waltzed into a bookstore, stuck a few copies of her book on a shelf, and had someone take a picture of it, let’s zoom in for a closer look at the book on the left.

The book behind it is a completely different book.

Right….you’re not Douglas Adams and you’re not funny, therefore your six-book trilogy is bullshit. I’d also like to point out that when she was thirteen she “published” ONE novel, not two. The fact that she went back and split the book into two parts does not retcon real life. Although this entire argument is academic because Gloria Tesch has not had any books published

Tesch is currently laboring under the delusion that there will be a Maradonia theme park, which I think it’s best to just ignore, but more interestingly, she and her family are currently trying to secure financing to produce a low-budget Maradonia movie, for which Gloria Tesch has written the script.

I’ll get into the “comic satire” a bit later, but I feel I should point out that “seasoned professionals” makes me laugh. The director is listed as Troy Bowman, who has one IMDB credit to his name. And the script was written by Gloria Tesch. No, seriously… Gloria Tesch.

I’m not exactly an expert on filmmaking, although I do happen to know quite a bit more about it than Gloria Tesch. For instance, I find it odd that film production crews would need to ask fans in a newsletter if they have a van or car they could lend out for their prep crew. Is that really what seasoned professionals do?

Also, you haven’t even announced your cast yet and yet you expect the movie to be finished by the end of of April 2011?

The newsletter also contained a little poster for Maradonia, the movie, which was an improvement on previous posters because it didn’t include stolen copyrighted artwork from Google images, including my favorite stolen image, which was lifted from the trailer from Prince Caspian.

This might be where some of that confusion is coming from, considering that two of the images that are directly under the tag “the movie” are from the book trailer.

However, Team Tesch recently acquired a new PR man in Andrew Fisher, as he noted in his YouTube comment:

I will agree that the Tesch publicity machine of the past was an absolute fiasco, but I’m now on board to move things forward with a bit more dignity, (at least you don’t have my job). The initial books are also being re-edited so that the stories can be enjoyed as they were intended.

I could have sympathized with Fisher, as he has inherited an absolute disaster. Most of the above shenanigans are the fault of Gloria Tesch and her parents. Fisher could have started immediately turning things around. Unfortunately, Fisher doesn’t have a great idea of what “dignity” means. His first few acts were to post spam comments on various YouTube videos that were criticizing the marketing techniques of Team Tesch. Most of these were deleted. Fisher also posted comments on several of these videos thanking them for their interesting feedback, and then, a short while later, the videos were hit with a copyright claim from Team Tesch and removed from YouTube. One of these videos was by the wonderful swankivy (you can read her writeup of the incident here ). Swankivy reposted her video, minus any clips from Tesch’s book trailer or screenshots from Tesch’s website, and I strongly recommend you watch it.

This, as Team Tesch will shortly learn, was a very poor decision. You cannot silence criticism, and the more you try, the more ammunition it gives your critics.

The book trailer itself is work of sheer insanity. Team Tesch is currently trying to move past it (it is now a private video on YouTube), but they cannot even keep their story straight:

Ditch my connection to the old book trailer YES that was horrendous, (I wasn’t around when that was created),

(from Fisher)

(that book trailer is obviously comic satire)

(also from Fisher)

So first he claims that the book trailer was horrendous and then he tries to pass it off as comic satire. It is horrendous, certainly, but the trailer was not satire (I don’t think Fisher knows what that word means) and it was not intended as satire. Gloria Tesch frequently advertised the trailer in her newsletter and on her website as a book trailer – never as something intended to be humorous or not to be taken seriously. Sorry, Team Tesch. You cannot retcon real life.

So….let’s dig into this book trailer.

Note: The text within the quotation marks is dialogue from the book trailer.

We begin with a poorly designed logo that tells us this show is supposedly called Celebrity Soup. That was the name of a UK comedy series …which ended in 2006. Some quick Googling tells us that there is no such show as Celebrity Soup that currently exists.

We meet our Show Host, Kyle Kendrick. I have several questions. First, why is there a caption telling us that he’s the show host? People who watch television shows know who the show host is. Second, who is Kyle Kendrick? IMDB says his only credit was on ER 12 years ago, which, if it’s the same person, would explain why he’s appearing as a fake show host for a fake news program that’s pimping out a fake published book by an all-too-real girl.

We get some shots of Gloria Tesch signing books, as our Host rambles for a bit:

“Hello, and welcome to Celebrity Soup. Today we’re serving up a hot dish of hysteria. So, what’s on the menu? Two words: Gloria Tesch.”

So….they’re going to eat Gloria Tesch? Works for me! We then move on to the testimonials, starting with an uncredited woman who keeps glancing down to her right, almost as if she’s reading off hidden cue cards.

“My daughter is ten and actually this is one of the only books I can get her to read, she is so excited about this book and author.”

And, of course, her adorable little daughter:

“She signed my book, see?”

We cut back to our host, who continues:

“If you haven’t heard, Gloria Tesch is the world’s youngest novelist. At the age of fifteen, she has already written eight novels. So, how are her books doing, you ask?”

We’ve already gone over how Tesch is not the world’s youngest novelist, not by a long shot. But what I really don’t get is….where the fuck did eight novels come from? Even after Tesch split the series in half, that left her with six. More importantly, Team Tesch is paying this guy to act in this fake television show for them, and they didn’t even bother to re-shoot the scene?

We cut forward to another uncredited person.

“It’s amazing, we can’t even keep the books on the shelves, they’re flying out of here like…nothing.”

You know, real news organizations have this little thing called “accreditation”, otherwise known as citing your sources. Generally speaking, you don’t just throw in quotes from unnamed people without some kind of citation. Why? Because audiences like to know who they’re hearing an opinion from. I find a random guy with white hair in a crowd a lot less credible than someone who is cited as, say, the bookstore manager?

Of course, I’m pretty sure the reason Team Tesch didn’t bother crediting anyone was because they were afraid the people would be tracked down after the fact and asked to back up their statements.

“So, what’s the problem with that? Most people would say that’s a good thing.”

That’s probably because it is a good thing, you idiot.

“You know, despite the demand for her books, the publisher only prints a finite amount, and when they’re sold out, they’re gone, and that’s not just here, that’s all over the country.”

There are so many inaccuracies here it’s difficult to know where to begin. Let’s start with the publishers. It’s true that publishers print a certain amount of books and then distribute them to be sold. However, once those books are gone, they print some more. That’s kind of what publishers do, they sell books to make money. And if a book is selling enough to make them have to go back and print more copies, don’t you think the publishing company would be really happy to do that? Since it will make them more money?

I suppose this idiot might be referring to the fact that Maradonia is self-published, but he’s still completely wrong. Vanity publishers let you choose the amount of books you buy from them. And, on the off chance that the Tesches did, in fact, sell out the first run of their self-published book, all they would need to do is place a new order from the vanity publisher and buy some more.

It’s probably a good thing this guy wasn’t credited, otherwise I would send him a very hostile email.

“So, what’s in the books that makes them so appealing?” our host continues.

“For me it was the characters, my favorite characters were Maya and Joey.”

No, seriously? The two main characters were your favorites? That’s like asking someone who their favorite character in Harry Potter is and them replying “Harry Potter”. I mean, yeah, this kid is about ten, but you’d think they could have found a better clip to include in this video. Or at least written her some new lines.

We cut to a couple of young actors standing in front of a really, really obvious green-screen. Yes, it’s some clips from Maradonia which Team Tesch filmed and spliced into their book trailer, for reasons beyond my comprehension.

I can see the production value here.

“Maya! Crassus, the demon apostle, is following us!”

The kid playing Joey actually has a bit of acting ability, although he doesn’t have much to work with. The girl playing Maya, however, couldn’t act her way out of a cardboard box.

“Joey, I’m afraid!”

Yes. That is an actual line. “Joey, I’m afraid.”

“Let’s go!”

And off they run, as giant fanged bats swoop down after them. Yes, giant fanged bats. Not Crassus the demon apostle. And…we’re back to the uncredited testimonials:

“You fall in love with them. You can’t help it.”

I beg to differ. I myself have written a very, very long sporking of the first book in the Maradonia “Saga”, and I have to say I don’t think I have ever read a story whose heroes were more selfish and unlikable than Maya and Joey.

We cut back to our host, who continues overacting. It’s like he’s trying to see how many bizarre facial expressions he can wedge into this video.

“Some people are even asking for autographs in the most precarious of places.”

I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

Deeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Nothing against this guy, as I’m sure he’s just an unemployed college dropout out to make a buck, but seriously? This is the guy you want representing your fanbase? Or was this the only guy who was willing to let you sign his forehead?

“Some people are even coming out dressed as characters from the books,” our host continues.

I don’t recognize either of these characters, but let’s set that aside for a moment. As I have already said, Tesch has no fans. There isn’t a single fan website anywhere on the internet. I have yet to find a single legitimate, positive review. The book itself is an absolute mess. Yeah, I can theoretically see some 10-year-olds enjoying it, but Team Tesch seriously expects us to believe that grown men like her books so much they’re dressing up as characters from the books and standing in line to get autographs?

We cut forward to…another video clip from the book. Ah, it’s starting to make more sense now. The guy who is dressed up as one of the characters in line? He’s actually an actor who is portraying Abbadon. Why an actor who was paid by Team Tesch is also standing in line pretending to be a fan waiting for an autograph, I don’t know. It even makes me wonder if everyone else standing in line might also be paid actors….

Anyway, this guy’s acting is legendarily bad.

“King Astrodoulus…”

“…where ARE you?”

“I am here to kill you, take your land…and your head!”

I swear, those are his lines. I know it looks like he’s singing “The Sound of Music,” but he’s actually trying to be menacing. The actor here is putting on a really ridiculous accent and drawing the words out, so instead of “I am here to kill you!” it is more like “Aye ham here to kuHEEL YEW!!!!1111.”

“You have killed many kings….but today is not your day.”

I have to say, the Tesches should demand their money back from whoever put together this piece of shit. You can see the outline of the green-screen around the edge of Astrodoulos’ robe!

In response, Abbadon leaps in the air, spins in a pirouette, swirls his cloak dramatically, growls, and shoots lightning from his fingertips.

Just dance! It’ll be okay…

And…we’re back to the uncredited testimonials.

“It’s a myriad of a modern-day fantasy that completely takes you out of your element.”

I don’t know what that means.

Next, we have a really, really cheap CGI effect with some “spooky” sounding ghosts wailing.

And…we’re back to film clips from the book.

“Why have we been brought into this totally different world?”

“I don’t know Joey, but I believe everything happens for a reason.”

And we’re back to the testimonials:

“It’s a fascinating book, she’s a very creative writer, I wonder where she gets those ideas from.”

The Chronicles of Narnia, for one. I do find it interesting that in many of these “testimonials” don’t actually mention Tesch by name. While it’s certainly plausible that Team Tesch just paid these people off, it’s also possible that they interviewed people about completely different books and just cleverly intercut it.

We’re back to the pudgy white-haired guy:

“These people have been sitting here for almost two and a half hours, and are still in line trying to get their autographs; unbelievable, it’s a great book.”

As he talks, we get a few shots of the crowd:

I might be misreading their expressions, but the guy seems to be thinking “What am I doing with my life?” while the woman is thinking “They seriously published this shit?”

And we’re back to the Host.

“So what’s next for the world’s youngest novelist? You guessed it. Motion pictures. Moguls from New York to Hollywood are already weighing in, and I’m told there are offers already on. the. table.”

Right. “Moguls” are interested in making a film of a book that is self-published, almost universally despised, and doesn’t have any fans. That’s believable. And then, for no apparent reason, we cut to a close-up of some guy lighting a cigar:

Remember, kids, smoking kills.

And then there’s a girl walking in slow motion down a hallway:

Her hair is being blown backward from the intense indoor wind that goes through hallways. She strolls into her cigar-smoking boss’ office. He’s reading Entertainment Weekly, the preferred magazine of all Hollywood and New York moguls. The girl parks herself on her boss’ desk and drops a couple of folders onto his laptop.

“These just came in for you.”

In perhaps the only realistic scene in this entire trailer, Cigar Guy is not happy with getting a handout with pictures of Gloria Tesch’s novels on them.

“This? This is what you bring me? This is garbage! Can’t you see I’m busy?”

And into the trash they go. The girl stalks off, rolling her eyes. Cigar Guy peeks over the top of Entertainment Weekly and then surreptitiously pulls the folders out of the garbage.

“Fifteen years old? Six books? Two screenplays? This kid’s a billion-dollar industry!”

I’m not sure how someone can see that someone is a billion [!!] dollar industry from seeing covers of their self-published novels – which, I should add, isn’t really that impressive. I myself had written six novels by the time that I was fifteen. And like Tesch, all of my novels were pretty shitty. Unlike Tesch, my parents didn’t say I was a genius and throw money at me.

Also, it’s worth pointing out that a person cannot be an industry.

Cigar Guy stands up, whips out a bullhorn, and, – I am dead serious – yells “Action!”

Why would this guy have a bullhorn in his office? Why would he decide to yell “Action” at the ceiling of his empty office? And why does poorly computer-generated fire come out of his nostrils immediately afterward?

You thought I was making that up, didn’t you?

We then cut to an image of the six Maradonia books with flames behind them, and then to an image of a very, very poorly animated creepy guy:

“Let the adventure….begin!”

And finally, we have the final shot of the trailer:

That’s right. Maradonia and the Bridges. They left out the “Seven”.

Several brilliant readers have pointed out that there is a “7” in there, it’s just difficult to see. My mistake. I shall amend my criticism, then. Why would you title your movie Maradonia and the 7 Bridges? That just looks moronic.

Comment [65]

The Lord of the Rings Spork, Part One

I realize that this is probably going to be a rather controversial spork. My past sporks have been (mostly) of reasonably obscure self-published fantasy books, and generally books that are more or less universally agreed upon as being absolute shit. Sure, Gloria Tesch’s parents think she is amazing, and I know Robert Stanek has at least one fan, but Tolkien? The man is considered the father of modern fantasy. His books are still wildly popular, and were adapted into movies that were also wildly popular.

On the other hand, Christopher Paolini and Stephenie Meyer are also wildly popular and have sold millions of copies of books, and both of them are absolutely terrible writers.

Tolkien’s influence on the fantasy genre is undeniable, and his success is nothing short of amazing. And, while some critics cite him as being a master world builder (I will argue otherwise), there are many who point out his shallow, two-dimensional characters, poor characterization, dragging plot, and the general bloated lifelessness that is Lord of the Rings.

I’ll be honest with you. I hate The Lord of the Rings with the passion of a thousand fiery suns. I think Tolkien was an atrociously bad writer and a hack. And I’m going to tell you exactly why.

My copy opens with a note on the text, which I couldn’t care less about, and then a forward by Tolkien himself, with some pretentious rambling about the writing of the novel, mostly detailing how long and difficult it was to write. Great, Tolkien, try and score some sympathy points right off the bat. Here’s an idea: if you’re going to spend TEN YEARS writing a book, why don’t you make it suck less?

Prologue – Concerning Hobbits

I hate prologues. They’re almost always boring and pointless, except when they contain an exciting bit of action from much later in the story, in which case they feel out of place. This one, however, will be boring and pointless.

This book is largely concerned with Hobbits, and from its pages a reader may discover much of their character and a little of their history (page 1).

Except, of course, hobbits don’t exist. Tolkien’s going to have lots of these little moments where he breaks the fourth wall to have his narrator explain random bits of trivia about his made-up world. In this case, he decided to begin his book with FIFTEEN PAGES OF INFODUMP about Hobbits. I’m dead serious. The worst part is that the book itself doesn’t begin on that badly of a note – it starts off talking about Bilbo Baggins’ birthday party, and the preparations for it, which is reasonably entertaining and actually starts propelling the plot along (to a point). If Tolkien was actually talented at this whole writing business, we would start there – you know, at Chapter One – and then he could work in the relevant details about Hobbits as we went along.

Tolkien name-drops The Hobbit, that shitty prequel to TLOTR that spawned reader interest into this literary abortion. You know you’re reading true literature when the author mentions a previous book he’s written and it’s mentioned inside the text of the next book.

So Tolkien starts talking about Hobbits. It’s very exciting.

They were, as a rule, shy of ‘the Big Folk’, as they call us, and now they avoid us with dismay and are becoming hard to find (page 1).

Because Hobbits really exist, kids. They’re just shy of us.

According to the Red Book (page 2)

I’ll touch on this briefly and then try to stop ranting about it because it’s something that pissed me off, and if I rant about it every time it occurs, I’ll never get through this trilogy, and it’s pretty fucking long anyway. I mentioned a moment ago about Tolkien breaking the fourth wall, but it’s a little more complicated than that. Periodically, he decides to pull out his narrator to inform the audience of things, but the really weird thing is that he tries to pretend that The Lord of the Rings is some kind of weird alternate history version of Earth, where Hobbits and Elfs and Dwarfs all exist. In Tolkien’s mind, The Hobbit (the prequel to TLOTR) was written by the protagonist Bilbo Baggins, but as the “Red Book” or “There and Back Again”. I’m not really sure if he was doing a whole “I just found this book and translated it” gimmick, but that wouldn’t surprise me. This was a man so full of himself that he would speak Elvish, the made-up language he invented, with his wife. How sickeningly pretentious can you get?

Tolkien rambles for a bit describing what Hobbits look like (fat midgets) and then he launches into a lot of backstory and goes into the different breeds (Yes. He says breeds) of Hobbits, and dives into a bunch of genealogy. It’s about as entertaining as reading the book of Numbers in the Bible.

Eventually he gets around to the subject of Hobbit-holes. If you’ve been living under a rock, you’re probably unaware that Hobbits live underground in the somewhat obviously named Hobbit-holes. Well, not all of them:

Actually in the Shire in Bilbo’s days it was, as a rule, only the richest and poorest Hobbits that maintained the old custom (page 6).

Of course, that totally makes sense. Like nowadays: the very rich live in huge decadent mansions, and the very poor…live in tiny rat-infested slums. Yeah.

Part Two (yes, this prologue has multiple parts) is about pipe-weed. Because Hobbits smoke pipes. If you’re wondering why, well, here’s a picture of Tolkien:

They smoke pipes because he smoked a pipe.

Most of this section is just a quotation from Meriadoc Brandybuck from the book ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Herblore of the Shire, which, of course, doesn’t actually exist. Want to know a quick and simple way to make your story sound deeper and more layered than it actually is? Include quotations from books or records that don’t actually exist.

The third part is called Of the Ordering of the Shire, and is approximately as interesting as reading the minutes of your local city council meeting. The only part actually worth noting is this:

The Shirriffs was the name that the Hobbits have to their police (page 10).

It’s funny, see, because Shirriff is similar to Sherriff?

The fourth part is the most ridiculously unneeded part of this goddamn prologue. It’s aptly titled “Of the Finding of the Ring” and relates, in excruciating, Tesch-like detail, the section of The Hobbit where Bilbo meets Gollum and gets his magic ring. Now, I can sort of see what Tolkien is trying to do here. This is really the only part of The Hobbit that is actually relevant, and since The Lord of the Rings is all about this piece of jewelry, it kinda makes sense to give that piece of backstory in the prologue, so everyone who hadn’t read The Hobbit would know what the hell was going on, right?

Wrong.

Here’s the problem: all of this is actually going to be related later during the text. You know, where it actually makes sense to put this information? In Chapter Two, all of this story is going to be related between Gandalf and Frodo, in a scene that actually makes sense within the context of the story. Now, I don’t want to give Tolkien too much credit because Chapter Two is a mind-numbingly boring chapter that is nothing but excessive backstory, but at the very least, it makes sense to reveal this at that point. And, if Tolkien had waited, during chapter one, people unfamiliar with the Ring would be surprised by Bilbo’s sudden vanishing. Instead, Tolkien decides to spoil his own story. Smooth.

Towards the end of this section Tolkien mentions that originally, Bilbo wrote a different version of the story, one where Gollum promised to give him a present (the ring which Bilbo had already found), and then when Gollum realized it was lost, Bilbo made him show him the way out of the mines instead. This, of course, is Tolkien’s way of covering his own mistake: the original version of The Hobbit didn’t agree with the subject matter of The Lord of the Rings, and Tolkien, not being a good enough writer to make it work, decided to retcon real life and to re-release The Hobbit with the changes. Being unable to man up and accept the consequences of his inability to plan ahead as a writer, he decided to write it into the story as a bullshit excuse for why the two versions don’t agree with each other.

Tolkien rambles through the rest of the plot of The Hobbit, which I guess is useful if you haven’t read the book, and finally ends on one of the most pretentious bits of this entire book, which is called “Note on the Shire Records”. In it, he relates the history of the various writings of fictional characters. Yes, this is a writer who is pretending that his writings, which of course are “translations” of fictional writings by fictional characters, are within the universe that he has created and are different from other versions of the story. So, instead of writing the story, he’s decided to impress us with his genius. To add to the effect, there’s even a footnote that asks us to look up things in the index. Nice try, John. Not going to happen.

Update 4/10/12: This was an April Fool’s Day post. Calm down.

Comment [55]

Tesch posted this video September 11th, with this lovely comment below it:

Every writer has had writer’s block! Known as a blockage of the mind’s imagination flow.

That’s not actually the definition of writer’s block, but okay. Let’s dive into this.

We open with Gloria sitting on the edge of a dock looking very pretty and vivacious and showing off a truly impressive amount of skin, which I guess is okay because she’s 18 now. She pauses for about two seconds, or just long enough to make it rather uncomfortable, before she gets going and introduces herself. I have to admit that I spent the entire video hoping she would lose her balance and fall into the drink, but that is mostly because I am a bad person. Although the more I watch this video the more I feel like she’s not actually on the dock. I’m not sure why, and it’s probably just a weird lens, but the way it’s shot makes me feel like she’s in front of a green screen with the water added later.

We also have a black mark hanging down in front of the camera lens, which looks kind of like the photographer’s thumb but is probably just the mic. Either way, it’s definitely annoying and unprofessional.

Incidentally, there’s a really good reason why shooting in front of bodies of water is a terrible, terrible idea, and that reason is sound. It’s a little better here than in past videos, but over the water rippling and the wind, Gloria is practically unintelligible.

Gloria explains who she is and that she authored the Maradonia Saga, and gets down to business:

Today I want to tell you how to overcome writer’s block. Now let me tell you how.

Yes. Please tell us how. In fact, you don’t need to introduce the fact that you’re going to explain this, you can just start explaining.

It’s very easy.

Whoa. Hold on. Curing writer’s block is EASY? What have I been doing with my life?

Gloria explains that they’re actually in a peaceful place.

I like to write sometimes, refresh my mind

I’m not sure if she meant that she likes to write HERE, as on, on the dock, which is kind of an interesting choice. There’s something to be said for writing in idyllic locations, but I probably wouldn’t lug my laptop down to a dock, and writing on paper would be horrible because of the constant wind.

Alternately, maybe she just wanted to explain why she’s sitting on a dock.

Gloria explains to us that when she younger, her teacher assigned her a free-write essay, because she was in a writer’s class. Well, that does make sense.

So, I started writing this story, and over time, I came up with this awesome story.

And then you published it and it’s called Maradonia and the Seven Bridges?

And then one day, I had no idea what to write about.

This is writer’s block, you see the blank screen, and you’re just like, URK, what do I do next?

Gloria whips out what she calls her “concept board” and that she discovered it while drawing her story outline.

This actually looks really interesting, and it would be even more interesting if I could see exactly what she’s doing. Holding a posterboard with tiny writing six feet away from the camera is not really conducive to learning.

Well. Maybe she’ll explain?

She does! She explains that you draw a semi-circle and then move from the beginning to the middle to the end. Then in between you write out your storyline of what exactly you want to happen. Okay. So basically, a timeline. Or a plot. Or a basic outline, except it’s on a posterboard in a half-circle format.

Tesch explains that actually she had large chunks of the story unplotted, which doesn’t surprise me, and she filled in those chunks later, which also doesn’t surprise me at all. I’m not saying that’s necessarily a bad way to do an outline or to write your book, in fact that’s pretty close to my preferred outline method…but you have to be careful of not just thinking, what comes between Plot Point A and Plot Point C? and then coming up with a random side quest that’s unrelated to the actual story just to fill up space. If nothing happens, then don’t put in anything.

So, with this outline, Tesch then sat down with her family and asked them what she should do, and they promptly started sharing ideas for different things that could happen. And…

…it actually came out very nice.

Tesch pauses for a moment, looking as giddy as a schoolgirl and then sets it down, explaining that

It’s actually very well-organized.

Which it might be, but I can’t actually see what’s on it so I don’t know.

Tesch whips out another board with lots of stuff on it that is also pretty unreadable.

She explains that you just “write it all out”. Okay then. Gloria continues that young writers like to stick to chapter one and then write it and edit and edit and eventually you just give up. She has a very clear idea of whether you should follow this path:

What you need to do, is write your entire concept out, and work on it from the beginning to the middle to the end.

This is actually really good advice, and one of the reasons I like things like NaNoWriMo – you should sit down and just start writing and keep at it until you pound out a first draft. Once you have it down on paper, then you have time enough to start the editing process.

Gloria explains that you should find a nice peaceful setting, like the one she’s currently in, and maybe even some nice peaceful music to let your imagination flow. She then gives some positive encouragement, which would be nice if she didn’t sound like she was talking down to a group of preschoolers:

You will find your story soon! It’s meant to be, let your story flow, and don’t just keep developing it and keep re-editing it, that’s the editor’s job!

Which I guess explains the quality of the Maradonia Saga.

You are the author! You must write it all out, and write the entire story, everything you are thinking about, and then it will just come soon, and hopefully soon you will be published!

Holy hell.

Alternately, if you want to do a good job, you may spend years editing, revising, reediting, and then years querying literary agents, and then further years trying to get your book published.

Or if your parents are rich they can self-publish it and you can throw your literary toilet training, to borrow a phrase from swankivy, out for the world to see.

She closes with this gem:

Thank you for listening to my video.

Watching. You watch videos.

Gloria plugs Maradonia, bids us all an affectionate farewell, and flashes another winning smile.

So there you have it folks. How to overcome writer’s block: simply write an outline on some posterboard and then solicit plot ideas from your family. It’s not the worst advice I’ve ever heard, but it’s not that great, either. What if you write an outline and you still get writer’s block? Or what if you’re like me and you only get writer’s block when you’re writing from outlines because you enjoy making things up as you go along and find the act of writing to be an intensely creative process as you discover the story along the way and that creative energy feeds your brain and keeps you going?

Then again, I think the answer is clear: if you’re ever stuck and you don’t know what to do next, just plagiarize a scene from the Bible! It’s in the public domain so you can’t get sued.

Bonus: if you want a chance to win a free Maradonia book or you want to see Gloria Tesch walk the Republican National Convention Runway, there you go.

Comment [58]

I’ve decided to spork a children’s book, for reasons that escape me. The last time I did this I ended up getting sued. I guess technically the Maradonia series was written for children, although with all the bloody violence and rape scenes that’s an easy point to forget.

I don’t actually remember how I stumbled across this gem, so don’t bother asking. I got it for $2.14 from Amazon.com, where it has a number of truly vicious reviews.

The cover is not terribly interesting, depicting a fat girl looking at herself in a mirror that apparently is one of those weird funhouse mirrors – oh wait, it must be that she’s imagining what she would look like if she was skinny instead. Okay.

We open with the eponymous Maggie playing a game of baseball. She apparently isn’t very good and people laugh at her when she gets up to bat. She’s clumsy, fat, and the worst player on the team.

The picture here is utterly atrocious. It fails on so many levels that I need to put another picture beside it just to demonstrate:

So we have a pitcher who is falling backward off the mound as he throws the pitch. Or maybe falling sideways. It fails at perspective. And the pitcher is stepping with his left leg even though pitchers step with their opposite legs when they throw. Notice how Cliff Lee, a left-hander, steps with his right leg?

Maggie decides that she’s going to become fit and lean. Because, as we all know, you can’t be fat and be a good player. Just look at Prince Fielder. CC Sabathia. Fucking Babe Ruth.

Afterwards, Maggie feels pretty shitty so she stuffs her face at home with bread and cheese, the staples of any overweight person. And, based on this picture, she does look a wee bit chunky.

The next day Maggie gets asked if she wants to play soccer. Wait a second. They just ASKED the fat girl if she wanted to play soccer? I thought all the kids disliked her and made fun of her? And now they’re treating her like a normal human being? What the fuck, book, show us some goddamn consistency.

Anyway, Maggie plays soccer and isn’t very good but she has a blast.

We learn that Maggie gets made fun of a lot and called a lot of names. Fortunately, she has an excellent comeback:

She said, “Is your life so boring that you have nothing else better to do?”
“How would you like it and how would you feel if everyone picked on you?”
“So lose your stinger and make like a bee and buzz on through.”

I should have probably mentioned that this book is written in rhyme. Not particularly good rhyme, of course, but more on that later. I just can’t fathom a fourteen-year-old making a crack like this. Lose your stinger and make like a bee and buzz on through? What the fuck does that even mean? I don’t know, so I decided to write a better, rhyming retort:

“Why do you douchebags assume I’m made of glass?
“I’ve got a 4.0 while you all are failing class.
“So why don’t you fuck off before I curb-stomp your ass?”

Anyway, Maggie finally decides to get her shit together and lose that weight, as we are told in rhyme. But first, let’s pause for a moment to discuss the mechanics of writing in verse. Obviously, rhyming is often a key component, but there’s a second part which is mostly concerned with rhythm and flow. It’s actually not that hard to get right. All you generally need to do is make sure that rhyming lines have equal or roughly equal syllables and have proper flow, which is easily accomplished by reading it aloud. Let’s start with a limerick, with the syllable counts noted before each line:

8 A charming young man from Kildare
8 Was fucking a maid on the stair
5 The bannister broke
6 But he doubled his stroke
8 And finished her off in mid-air

It’s not that complicated. If you want it to rhyme and to flow well, make sure the lines have equal or close to equal syllables in them and make sure they sound reasonable when read out loud. Paul Kramer, unfortunately, seems to have missed that step:

13 It took Maggie awhile to finally make up her mind.
22 She promised herself she was going to reduce her stomach as well as her big behind.

What the fucking fuck, Kramer? Do you have no idea how to creatively write a sentence? Here, let me compose one, and I’ll even time myself, to see how long it takes me:

13 It took Maggie awhile to finally make up her mind
14 She decided to reduce her stomach and big behind

That took me less than 60 seconds to come up with.

So, the next morning Maggie has started her new diet which consists of eating theoretically healthy foods. Oatmeal and yoghurt and fruit for breakfast, turkey sandwich for lunch, and for dinner, vegetables with “various proteins” which I’m guessing is just because Kramer couldn’t think of anything that rhymes with “greens”.

Maggie missed her treats but imagined how she would look in smaller sized jeans.

And really, that’s a fantastic message to be giving to impressionable fourteen-year-old girls. You need to be skinnier, and when dieting is hard, just imagine how great you’re going to look once you’re skinny! It’s not like millions of young woman already suffer from incredibly low self-esteem and body issues based on the standards of Hollywood and the modeling industry, where if people can’t count each of your ribs you’re grotesquely fat.

Maybe Kramer plans to write a sequel called “Maggie Goes On Another Diet” that features an emaciated 17-year-old Maggie out on a date, excusing herself to go into the restroom and jam a finger down her throat to vomit up her salad. Written in terrible verse.

Maggie said “Excuse me” because now she had a goal.
She went to the restroom, deep-throated her finger, and threw up in the bowl.

Eh, maybe I’ll just write one myself.

So Maggie starts losing weight and she has better energy and things are peachy. Her parents don’t notice that their obese daughter has suddenly changed her diet and is losing weight and that’s because Maggie’s parents aren’t actually in this book. I’m guessing Kramer’s point is that if you’re an overweight 14-year-old girl you should make these life decisions on your own and not talk to your parents and maybe even the family doctor in order to come up with a plan to get you to a healthier weight.

Next, Maggie’s baseball team plays their final game of the year. They suck and they haven’t won a single game all year. And we get these two lines back to back:

But this time instead of being laughed at, Maggie received lots of cheer.
Everybody thought that Maggie would strike out as she did so many times before

Okay. So she’s a bit skinnier but not by much so they’re cheering for her…even though everyone expects her to strike out like she always does? How does that even remotely make sense??? Anyway, Maggie gets up with two outs in the bottom of the ninth, even though middle schoolers only play six or seven-inning games, and she promptly crushes a game-winning home run. Yes, that’s right: if you are overweight and go on a diet and start losing weight, you will become awesome at baseball.

We learn that Maggie is being teased less, she has more confidence and less stress, and some of her classmates hang out with her during lunch and ask her if she wants to hang out. Then she gets invited to THE FIRST SLEEPOVER OF HER LIFE! Weight loss = instant popularity. Who knew? I was a fat kid growing up and I certainly never had any friends. If only I’d had this book to give me some guidance.

She can’t decide what to pack, but this little storyline is forgotten after exactly one line. At the sleepover the girls talk about which of the boys they like and they all tickle Maggie to make her tell.

Not pictured: 14-year-old girls having a tickle fight.

Things get a little weird when Susan goes to the bathroom ahead of Maggie and Maggie yells that she’s going to burst. Then:

Maggie was worried that she might leave a smell

Uh…okay then. So she takes a really smelly dump at her friend’s sleepover, which is potentially embarrassing and also hilarious, but why, precisely, is this scene in a book about a girl dieting? Is Kramer trying to say that if you change your diet your dumps might be smelly?

Or wait! I think I have it now. Kramer is trying to bring Maggie down to earth. Yeah, she’s on a diet and losing weight, but it’s not like she thinks her shit doesn’t stink. Figuratively and actually speaking.

Anyway, Maggie had brought deodorant spray with her so she hoses the place down, problem solved.

We jump forward and Maggie has lost thirty pounds over four months. Success! She looks better, because fat people are unattractive. According to Kramer. And she feels better! And is healthier! She’s also become a soccer star and her team is on a winning streak and she has a personal cheering section at games that carry a banner that says “Go Maggie!!” Holy shit! Is this really what my life could be like if I were skinny?

It continues: now she’s starting to get male attention!

Maggie was getting more and more attention from the guys.
Maggie’s reputation was slowly increasing and on the rise.

You do realize that “increasing” and “on the rise” mean the same thing?

She has more fun at school and gets higher grades and more self-confidence! Well, that’s obviously true. It’s the skinny, attractive people who always do the best in school.

After ten months, she weighs fifty-one pounds less and has to buy all new clothes because her old clothes don’t fit her anymore. This doesn’t surprise me. Based on the illustration, if I were feeling eloquent I’d describe New Maggie as “waifish”. If I weren’t, I’d probably go with “skinny like a twig”.

It’s the end of soccer season, Maggie’s team is in first place and with a very good reason – she’s not fat. Maggie’s teammate Kyra misses a goal but Maggie picks her up and scores the goal, which probably won the game but Kramer doesn’t tell us.

A few weeks later Maggie rolls down to the soccer fields to practice kicking some balls, and sees another girl.

One of them could hardly move but her kick was strong like a horse.

Why are we comparing overweight girls to horses?

Anyway, now Maggie has become the master, or something.

Look at how healthy she is!

Kramer wraps up by having the narrator address the audience directly, while Maggie stands holding a soccer trophy in front of her adoring fans.

It is sad that people are judged mainly because of how they look.
A pretty cover does not necessarily guarantee a good book

Wait. Hang on a second. You’re saying it’s SAD that people are judged mainly on how they look, at the end of a book where a character doesn’t like how she’s being judged on the way she looks so she decides to change the way she looks and has instant success? Are you fucking retarded?

You need to give people a chance and look into their heart.

Yeah. Remember that part of the book where people treated Maggie like shit because she was fat, and then after a few skull-thumpings with a tire iron, everyone learned a valuable lesson about how it doesn’t matter whether you’re fat or skinny or anywhere in between, it’s who you are as a person and the choices you make that matters, and that you should treat everyone kindly regardless of their appearance because that’s what’s RIGHT? Yeah, you don’t remember that part, because it didn’t fucking happen.

Anyway, the book reminds us to think about all the benefits that came to Maggie because she lost weight. To recap: she became prettier, more popular, made a bunch of friends, guys are now interested in her, her grades went up, she has more self-confidence, and she became a soccer and baseball star, and now she mentors younger and chunkier kids.

Wonderful.

After the book ends there’s a little ditty, almost an afterward, by Kramer that is about the different kinds of bellies. I’m just going to skip it because it’s a piece of shit.

So, don’t get me wrong, I know that there are plenty of obese people in the world and I know there are health risks associated with it and it’s not necessarily a BAD thing to try and help kids become healthier. But there’s a right way to go about it, and there’s a wrong way to go about it, and this book handles it in the wrong way.

Comment [30]

I was advised of the existence of this book by a brilliant reader who apparently felt that I haven’t suffered enough in my life. After spending the past few months in rehab due to the horrific liver damage I suffered from working my way through the Maradonia series, it’s time to fall back off the wagon.

It’s actually a little hard to find information about Ms. Alessandra, mostly because her website is down and her twitter is deleted and her tumblr is deleted. As best I can find from some Googling, she’s an 18-year-old self-published author whose book is for sale on approximately 400 websites, has dabbled in internet self-promotion, and doesn’t take criticism well:

So pretty much par for the course, really.

Also, her book cover is just awful.

We get started with her explaining that she uses different time units than we do. An Epoch is a day, and 9 Epochs make a Cycle, and 4 Cycles make an Apogee, and 15 Apogees make a Zapato, which is kinda like a year, which makes people a bit older than they actually are in the book. She explains that you can calculate it by multiplying ages by 1.4. Technically, it’s more like 1.48. So if the book tells us about a 13-year-old having sex, it’s not weird because actually they’re over 18 in Earth years.

Here’s a tip, Breeanna: there is really no reason why you need to invent a new calendar for your fantasy world. I understand the urge, you’re trying to create a new culture, and give your world depth, and those are commendable, but unless there is a specific plot reason, there is no reason to even mention how your characters measure time. If it makes you feel any better, remember that your story is (probably) being told in English and has therefore been translated into English. Otherwise, you’re just making the story more difficult to understand.

She explains that there are three moons in the sky, which should be brought up in-story rather than in the author’s note, and then she names all 15 months, which have names like Xanthippe, and Hippolyte, and Media, and Sapphira. I can tell I’m really going to enjoy this book.

Next, we get a prologue that doesn’t make any sense, and includes a few gems:

A prophecy, yet to be fulfilled by the lost innocence of a soul untamed, unknown, and underestimated by vulnerability (loc. 68)

…what?

In this story you will see that making judgments and rash decisions will lead you to sure demise (loc. 70)

Awesome. Author tracts.

(Incidentally, through this book she’ll be following George R.R. Martin-style of having each chapter titled with the character’s name and be from their point of view. Except it’s not a chapter at a time, it’s more like a page and a half. Let’s see if her writing is as good as Martin’s!)

We open with a chap named Jafar. Not making this up. Let me repeat that – Jafar:

Gotcha.

He’s riding through a city that disgusts him.

People lay on the sides of the streets like it was a marvelous inn in a fantastic city (loc. 74).

That doesn’t make any sense.

The horses need to be watered so he gets out of the carriage because this means that he has to walk the rest of the way, which also doesn’t make sense. But it’s so he can run into a beautiful fifteen year old girl which actually isn’t sketchy because in earth years she’s twenty-one.

A basket filled with gruesome half rotten fruits clutched in her arms. She wore a brown dress, long with a green trim obviously made by her own delicate, ladylike hands. She paused to curtsy, spilling the produce across the ground. I bent and picked up a single luscious green apple (loc. 80-82)

Okay. First of all, how do you know that she obviously made the dress herself? More importantly, you just got through telling us the basket is full of half-rotten fruits…and now suddenly there’s a luscious green apple in the bunch? That is in the same fucking paragraph!

Jafar lusts after her as he walks across the city, eventually arriving at his destination, where he pounds on the door “with malice” because he’s Evil or because he has the mental capacity to self-narrate how he pounds on doors. This is written in the first person, after all.

The doorman introduces him to the council as Prince Jafar, the Duke of the city, which is a little confusing. Jafar rolls into the room, which is undecorated except for paintings that tell the story of a warrior and a maiden. Jafar immediately pauses to spend an entire page narrating the story, because what any story needs in the first subchapter is to get pages of irrelevant history dumps in the middle of scenes.

Anyway. This story. The maiden Vandaline was stolen to the underworld by the god Hades. So the warrior Zefenous decided to go rescue her, and spent a year – sorry, “all the Apogees of an entire Zapato” – until he found the gate and killed the three-headed canine, and found where she was held captive, rocking an elegant black trimmed burgundy and fuchsia gown. I’m dead serious. We are in this douchey prince’s first person point of view, and when he thinks about the story of the warrior Zefenous and the maiden Vandaline, he remembers that she’s wearing a black trimmed burgundy and fuchsia gown.

…be right back, I need to refill my glass.

Okay. I’m back. Suffice to say, Martin this isn’t.

Anyway, Vandaline doesn’t want to go with him, because on the journey he’s lost himself and now he’s nothing but the Great God of Wine. Huh. Okay. That’s a rather odd twist ending. You’d think that they would have hinted about him having a drinking problem previously in the story, maybe started by being exposed to too much terrible literature, and that would sort’ve give the story some kind of Point to it.

Jafar gets up and explains to the city council that in exactly three Cycles the town is going to be demolished to make way for a military trading station, which, economically speaking doesn’t make sense. I guess it makes sense to take over the city and use it for a trading station, since then you have all the existing buildings and infrastructure along with the people to work in whatever capacity you like, whether it’s slave labor or support services. Jafar concludes that the council should not tell the townspeople, because everyone is going to die there. Then he leaves.

So, he’s evil. And also stupid. Why the fuck would you tell them that you’re going to kill them before you kill them and give them a chance to escape or mount a defense?

Our next chapter heading is The All Knowing. Maybe this is our narrator?

Harlow gets back home. She’s apparently our Heroine, and her name – Harlow Grimm – is one of them main reasons I decided to spork this. Names like that don’t grow on trees.

She is back from shopping, so ostensibly this is the fifteen year old beauty Jafar was just lusting over. There’s some nonsensical conversation with her mother and father, who ask if her fiancé, Darian Archer (yes) is coming over.

“When are you two going to marry, huh? I can’t be feeding you for the rest of your life,” Victor said crudely (loc. 140)

If Breeanna thinks this is what crudeness is she’s led a remarkably sheltered life.

Her mother shoos them out of the kitchen and they run out into the market square and play like children. Okay. Harlow is supposedly 20 at this point. She really should be married with a couple kids, and if this is the faux-medieval village I’m guessing it is, shouldn’t she be working to help support her family?

Back to Jafar, who is wandering around town searching for the girl. Eventually he hears singing from a tavern and sure enough, it’s her, singing like an angel. Afterwards, he heads backstage to see her and bumps into her father. Jafar cleverly (not my words) explains that he wants the girl’s hand in marriage. Her mother protests that Harlow is promised to another. Her father protests that she’s just 14 (20 and change). Jafar offers them 10,000 “Zarll” which seals the deal, after some “augered” which I think is a typo for argued? Proofreading, what is that?

Jafar explains that they’ll never see their daughter again and drags Harlow outside and throws her into the carriage and she screams for Darian to save her.

I was grabbed by the arm and spun around, readily feeling a firm punch in the face (loc. 191).

How do you readily feel a firm punch to the face?

This is not uncommon, incidentally. We’re only a few pages in and already there have been several dozen completely incorrect or missing words, along with numerous typos and grammatical errors. I find myself wishing for the technical competence and Oscar Wilde-like wordplay of Maradonia and the Seven Bridges.

There are far too many of these for me to point out each one, and to make it into a drinking game will only bring on alcohol poisoning.

Harlow punches him to the floor and then jumps on top of him and pins him, then smashes his head against the floor. Jafar explains that he saved her from the city’s demolishment because she is so beautiful and that he’s going to make her a queen.

“I don’t want to be a queen.” Blood pooled under my face.

Shock bubbled under my skin. “Then what do you want?” (loc. 216)

You don’t need to tell us about both the blood pooling and the shock bubbling in consecutive sentences, Breeanna. We get it. He’s shocked.

All she wants is Darian. She tells Jafar that he’s half the man Darian is, so Jafar slaps her across the face, and they don’t say anything for the rest of the two-day trip to his castle. Things haven’t improved so he has his butler, Jenkins, escort Harlow to his chambers. Yeah, Jenkins. Take a drink.

“Woman,” I muttered (loc. 237)

I think if you are trying to make a statement about the female gender as a whole it’s supposed to be “women”.

Jafar visits his father, who is reading a book, and greets him by shouting “Old man!” I am getting the vibe that Jafar doesn’t think much of his father. Jafar explains the situation and his father suggests letting someone a little wiser speak to Harlow, as she is probably scared and confused right now. Jafar agrees, and we learn that he has a bit of a drinking problem. Probably from being in this book.

Drinks: 38

Comment [26]

We rejoin Harlow who is changing into a fresh dress. Suddenly a voice says that he understands why his son desires her, which is a little sketchy, and she’s embarrassed because he’s seen her naked. It’s an old man who reminds Harlow of the statues and paintings she’s seen of “our fair King Abaddon”, but older.

King Abaddon.

Abaddon.

I’d like to think this is just some horrible coincidence, nearly as much as I hold out hope that Breeanna is a huge fan of the Maradonia series and named him Abaddon as an homage.

“I believe my son has made a misjudgment. He is quite the womanizer, but he has never gone after someone so very young.” He sat in a satin-lined chair. “Did you know that he is twenty-six?” (loc. 264)

First of all, she’s nearly twenty-one. She isn’t young, at all. Girls have been getting married off in their early teens for an extremely long time, and there’s no reason why this world would be any different. Second, twenty-six means he’s thirty-eight in real time, so why isn’t Jafar married already? He’s the next in line for the throne, which means he’d likely be forced into an arranged marriage and popping our heirs as soon as humanly possible.

Of course, who knows, maybe there are really compelling reasons for all of these things and later on Breeanna will reveal there is much more to this mystical land than meets the eye, but I doubt it.

The king tells her to get some rest, since she might not have a chance to that night, and leaves. Harlow wonders what that means, but we find out a paragraph later:

I was woken up once by Jafar, late in the night, and that is a time I do not wish to remember, though, I am sure that I will never forget (loc. 275).

She was raped, in other words.

The next morning she wakes up and her ladies-in-waiting get her ready:

I was dressed in a long pine green dress with gold trim that flared out at the bottom. I felt like a hot-air balloon. And my boobs were pushed up uncomfortably. My long sun-kissed vermilion copper hair was in a neat French-braided bun (loc. 278).

Okay. I don’t necessarily have a problem with Breeanna glossing over the rape and Harlow’s reaction to it here, although I’m going to have significantly more of a problem if this is never addressed at any point in the book, because rape is not something you sweep under the rug. That being said, this writing is detestably bad. It’s perfectly reasonable that Harlow doesn’t want to think about what happened, or try and block it from her mind, but this was an incredibly traumatic event – and a paragraph later, we’re still in Harlow’s first person, talking about her sun-kissed vermilion copper hair. If you’re writing in first person, you are giving us that person’s point of view. Everything has to be filtered through their mind, and their emotions, and how they are feeling at that time. Think about how powerful this scene is if the entire writing style changes and things are described in clinical, numb terms, or filled with horror or revulsion. That is what good writing does; it puts us inside the mind of the character and enables us to understand what they are going through.

We’re not far into this book, but it doesn’t have that. At all. There is no discernible difference between Jafar and Harlow’s POV, and the prose is appalling.

Finally, does France exist in this world? Because if you don’t have France how do you have French braids? Unless this is an Enza de June braid and it was translated into French braid to help modern readers understand it in which case great but then why are there Epochs and Zapatos? Consistency, please.

Harlow is escorted to breakfast and Jafar is there eating. He asks her to eat, and she refuses, even though the aroma of cinnamon toast and Eggs Benedict is delicious. Wait…they have eggs Benedict here?

“Oh, Harly, please eat something,” came a surprisingly pleading voice. “Your performance last night was less than impressing, even for a virgin.” (loc. 286)

So first he’s pleading…and then he switches into straight asshole? I have to say, though, Breeanna is doing a fine job of making me hate this fucking douchebag. Harlow picks up a bowl of oatmeal and throws it at him, which shatters in a spray of porcelain and food. Jafar gets up and slaps her across the face, drawing blood, and then drags her by the hair through the castle into the ballroom, where he orders her to get up.

“What’s the magic word?” I mooched sarcastically (page 296).

He kicks her and stomps on her and then locks her in the room. Eventually a woman comes with some food and some warm water so Harlow eats and cleans the blood off her. The next morning Jafar wakes her up. He takes her up to his room, rips her clothes off, and rapes her again. Then the narration tells us that he continues to do this for many nights into the future.

Next morning at breakfast he asks how she slept and then explains that they’re engaged, as she eats an omelet. A few bites in she comes across a ring that’s been cooked into her omelet which sounds like a really bad idea, but I am getting the vibe that Jafar isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer.

He asks if she accepts and she asks if she is allowed to deny and he says no and so she says she accepts, for some reason. She hasn’t had much of a problem denying everything so far, why the sudden change? Plot reasons?

Anyway, they’re getting married in four days.

Jafar gloats to himself as he pours liquor into a Chrystal glass. I don’t know what that is. He orders his butler to bring him some entertainment so Jenkins ushers in a court jester. Jafar is pissed because this fool sucks. The fool introduces himself as Bo-Bo. Why is he introducing himself to someone who clearly knows him and has seen him enough times to know he sucks?

There’s a little bit of conversation which establishes that Jafar and Bo-Bo used to be friends and then Jafar orders him to leave.

Beauregard:

Sweet, new POV! And…it’s the jester! He is pissed. We get backstory. He and Jafar became friends when they were around four and they grew up together, riding horses and having fun, until one day Jafar abruptly stopped coming to see him and then when they next encountered each other he was a jerk who demanded to be referred to as Your Highness and kicked Beauregard out. So, pretty standard. Also, Breeanna uses the word “board” instead of “bored”.

Bo rolls through the castle and suddenly hears sobbing. Turns out it’s Harlow. They talk and Harlow explains that she’s crying because she’s engaged to Jafar but she hates him and this place. Bo smiles at her and she smiles back and then things take a sudden…turn:

It was dangerous, but I trusted her, for no real reason (loc. 408)

So you admit that there is no logical reason for these events to be happening?

Bo slips her a pouch full of powder, explains that it’s lethal poison, and to wait until the festival and then slip it into Jafar’s drink to kill him.

Holy shit! You’ve been talking to this girl for roughly two minutes and already you trust her enough to let her in on your treasonous regicide plot? For that matter, it’s been clearly established that you have to do things like serve food, why haven’t you poisoned Jafar yourself already, if you hate him so much?

Bo tells her that he’ll be back to continue their plan, and peaces out.

We switch POVs over to King Abaddon, who monologues to himself about how he’s disappointed in Jafar, who “cannot resist the fine bosom of a young beauty” which is an interesting way to describe it, if nothing else.

Then we’re back with Darian, Harlow’s boyfriend. Apparently the military has moved into Dash and things are bad. They’re burning homes and raping and murdering women.

I have to leave. I have to get Harlow. She is in the imperial city now (loc. 428).

Here’s a tip, Breeanna. Characters need reasons for why they do things. Darian has been hanging out in his city while things go to shit, and he has not pursued Harlow until now. Why not? And now he suddenly decides to go rescue her. Again, why? What is the inciting incident that makes him decide to leave right now? You can’t just arbitrarily have characters wandering around to fulfill the needs of the plot. It’s lazy writing and it doesn’t make sense.

Darian packs his stuff into a duffel bag, because they have duffel bags here, and grabs his sword, Zandra, which means defender of mankind. That’s at least two drinks.

Back to Bo, who monologues about how he used to be Jafar’s friend, but now he’s going to kill him. Which we already knew. Well, it filled up space!

Harlow gets ready for the festival. We get an enormous block of text that describes what she is wearing in exhausting detail, and then a quick mention of the poison pouch in her cleavage. Wow. You know what would be a lot more interesting than tedious description of her clothes? Harlow trying to figure out how she’s going to poison the crown prince. You’d think that would be on her mind a bit more than her dress.

For that matter, where are her ladies-in-waiting?

She meets Jafar downstairs and they head out into the festival, where they immediately separate and wander around by themselves, interacting with random people, without armed bodyguards or anything. Which seems odd. Harlow dances with some random guy in a mask. It’s nice.

Beside us was a prisoner being flogged for entertainment and to this I also paid no heed (loc. 466).

Because she’s more interested in this cute masked stranger. She’s kind of a sociopath.

I ran in a frenzy of excitement, laughing merrily among many who did the same. There were children playing under a tent. I entered and played along (loc. 468).

Okay, let me see I get this straight. You are at a festival, where you will soon be forcibly married to a man who has been alternating between brutally raping you and beating the shit out of you on a daily basis. You also have a bag of poison hidden between your boobs that you are going to try and poison the heir to the kingdom with. And if you get caught you are almost certainly going to be horribly killed in a very long and drawn-out way.

What the fuck is wrong with this woman?

Eventually things move into the courtyard for a ceremony and Harlow and Jafar sit down in golden thrones. Some men open cages, releasing a flock of doves. Then a bunch of hawks are released which make short work of all the doves. At first Harlow is horrified, but then she thinks, why should she care for such “mediocre creatures”?

Sociopath!

The night moves on. There are games…toss the squire…bobbing for fish heads…normal stuff, really. Harlow stumbles across Jafar hooking up with a prostitute that has a scarlet “A” tattooed on her neck. A scarlet letter, huh? That’s original.

“A whore?” I was so infuriated for no reason. I cared not what Jafar did, but I ran off in a tumult about it (loc. 480).

Because she’s starting to fall in love with her rapist?

The cute stranger she danced with earlier shows up and they talk for a bit and then he starts kissing her and then they move into a tent:

He unbuttoned the back of my dress and kissed down my spine, loosening my corset and grabbing me in ways I was not fond of. I did not resist though, only to spite Jafar (loc. 487).

Classic Harlow!

Jafar shows up and kicks the man in the face and drags Harlow away. For some reason he doesn’t call for his guards to murder the guy hooking up with his fiancée, though. He drags Harlow into the castle and beats her and then goes to pour himself a drink. And she realizes it’s Time. She heads into her room, pretties herself up, puts on a slinky night dress, and rolls out to start seducing him, which probably threw up some major red flags right there. Anyway, she manages to get some poison into his glass but Jafar doesn’t want any more to drink, he’s more interested in sex. They go upstairs, and…well, more rape.

I’m guessing that Harlow’s emotions will never be explored.

Drinks: 23

Comment [27]

There’s a picture, and it’s not great. It’s not terrible, but’s not particularly good, either.

We move into the mind of Eos the Dreamer who reminisces about their first childhood. There’s references to a platinum blonde mother named Veronica, a caramel-colored-hair father, Renton, and to Mississippi. Wait… Mississippi? So what, this is actually taking place in our world, as well?

Apparently this individual is gifted supernaturally to influence people’s minds and their dreams to make them feel good and safe, which comes in handy when the townspeople torch the farm and burn her family to death. And then Media brings her to Xanthippe where she’s an Angel.

Okay. Hopefully this will become relevant sometime, because as it is, it’s pretty fucking boring. Infodumps are never interesting, especially when they involve new characters we have no reason to care about. If Eos is important, then introduce her to the story when she is actually doing something, or impacting the plot in some way. You can fold in any relevant backstory as we learn more about the character.

Back to Harlow and a half-page description of her wedding dress. And she’s getting married. Interestingly, there’s absolutely no sense of where this is taking place, which is kind of a common theme running through this book so far. Either the location is described with intense, over-the-top detail or it isn’t mentioned at all. Here, Breeanna mentions that Harlow is brought to “the edge of the stairs” but we don’t know from where or where she’s going. Personally, I’m not a fan of description, and I think that less is more, but there should always be some, enough that the reader can easily picture the scene in their head. “The ladies-in-waiting led me from my dressing room down a richly decorated staircase leading to the ballroom.” 19 words and you’re avoided this problem entirely.

King Abaddon walks her down the aisle to Jafar. The High Judge states the vows and they both say I do.

…though mine were quite sinfully a lie (loc. 535)

Poisoning her fiancé doesn’t give her a qualm, but she feels guilt over lying about her forced marriage vows? Is it just me or does Harlow have a pretty fucked up moral compass?

And they’re married. Harlow changes for the reception, and during it, she slips a steak knife into her clothes. Later that night, she waits for her moment and slits Jafar’s throat – no, wait, that would make too much sense, instead she pulls it out and points it at him. We get some dialogue that doesn’t sound like anything anyone in the real world would ever say in their life:

“I am a well-trained noble-blooded prince. You couldn’t lay a single, delicate finger on me.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Jafar. You may have been trained by some overpaid defense teacher but I grew up in the real world.” My voice cracked and he chuckled. “You ranivorous slime!”

“Excuse me?” he scoffed. “I do not eat frogs!” (loc 555-560).

Yes. He actually calls out that her fingers are delicate, and she uses the word ranivorous.

Our badass, real-world-living heroine lunges at the evil prince and manages, somehow, to stab him in the chest. He screams and she runs and breaks the window, climbs out into a large maple tree and scales down into the garden [!]. She then runs to the stables, somehow knowing where they are, mounts a large black horse because there are no grooms or anyone around and I suspect she must be an expert rider, and takes off.

Even the blistering rays of the setting sun could not restrain a chill from seeping into my bones as I sped through the city and out the gates, consumed by the deep wilderness. A fleet of horses charged at my heels (loc. 569)

That’s how this exciting chase is written. She speeds through the city and out the gates. Unable to be captured by the fleet of horses presumably ridden by expert armed riders. Nobody is at the gates to prevent an escape. Nobody is able to catch her. Even though she doesn’t know her way through the city and would not be able to actually find the gates.

No, Breeanna. You don’t get to just say “She shot the President and then she ran away.” That’s not how real life works. Even in the incredibly unlikely event that Harlow is actually able to stab him then climb through a window of broken glass and shimmy down a convenient plot point tree that happens to be growing there and escape the city…you’ve got to give us details! How the fuck is she supposed to be pulling this shit off?

The section ends with her angsting about never seeing her one true love, Darian, again, which is kinda rude, considering she just married someone else.

Over to Darian, who thinks about when he and Harlow met. The tenses keep switching between the flashback and the present which is annoying. He was seven, she was four, and he knew that he would always love her.

I knew she not only saw my body but the mortality of my very soul (loc. 582)

Phrasing!

Darian jumps off a branch, because he was on a branch for reasons that are not explained. He mounts his black horse, Poncho, and rides off to the next town, where he stops at a tavern. Some ladies are gossiping about conveniently topical information – namely, the stabbing of Jafar. The bartender reveals that every bounty hunter around is hunting for Harlow because of the price on her head. Even the legendary bounty hunter Cane.

“I tell you he eats children for breakfast and their pets for dinner.”

“So what does he eat for lunch?” I snapped back with a show of my serious sarcasm problem (loc. 625).

He’s so edgy.

Darian declares for the entire bar to hear that he’s going to go try and rescue Harlow, which is a really smart thing you want to tell to a bunch of drunk idiots, and heads out the door. There are children playing with his horse’s tail. He yells at them and most of them run away, except for one girl:

Her eyes locked with mine. Deep brown, the eyes cried to me silently. Cried for someone to love her. Her matted bronze hair whipped around in the wind like angry snakes thirsting for blood (loc. 541).

And that’s that. She was just some random stranger we’ll never see again.

Over to Beau the jester, except it’s misspelled as Bearu. In the chapter header. Where you’d think it’d be hard to miss. He’s just pleased as punch about the stabbing, so he decides to finish the job. He fetches the poison from where Harlow hid it, dumps it in some wine, and takes it in to Jafar.

“What is this shit, fool? I hate red wine.” He took the glass and smashed it across my face (loc. 659).

Yep, this ingenious plan would have worked perfectly except for one of the guys responsible for bringing Jafar food every single fucking day for the past twenty years just happened to forget that he hates red wine. Totally understandable mistake, really.

Anyway, the poison seeps into the cuts on his face and starts sizzling and Beau collapses to the floor and dies a dramatic death, thinking about how it’s punishment for everything he’s done to spite Jafar.

….okay. So much for that.

Back to Harlow. She wakes up, feeling like death. Her horse is gone and her shoulder hurts and she thinks she broke her collar bone because these people know about collar bones. She wanders around for a bit until she finds a water hole and chugs some water. And chills out for a bit until suddenly some arms grab her. She sees a horrible werewolf beast and hears voices arguing over whether to help her. Then she gets put on the ground and we get about a page of random emotions and shit touching her. For some reason it seems like Harlow has lost the ability to see. Or at least Breeanna has stopped describing anything Harlow could see. It seems rather odd to describe the werewolf that she is seeing and then abruptly stop describing what she can see but not actually tell us. Is the world blurry or swimming? Is something covering her eyes? Has everything gone black? Any writer with an ounce of competence would just say why she can’t see…but this is Breeanna Mae Alessandra, who should take writing tips from Gloria Tesch. And how frightening is that?

Later, Harlow wakes up and is in a mostly empty room with walls made of animal hide. She leaves the hut and sees a fire burning. She sneaks over for a better look and sees a group of young, muscular, shirtless men with black hair. So…basically the werewolf pack from Twilight?

The pack glares at her, but something steps between Harlow and the rest of the group. The pack is pissed because he brought an outsider in, but the guy explains that The Great Lake is their responsibility and since Harlow drank from it, she is now their responsibility as well, at least until morning. I guess that makes sense. So if a bird flies down and takes a drink from the lake, then flies away, now the werewolf pack is responsible for its well-being?

Then again, maybe he’s just making shit up because he has the hots for Harlow.

The guy says she’ll be gone the next morning and drags Harlow back into the hut, tying the door shut behind him. He has budging muscles, which I think mean bulging, and golden eyes. Harlow is terrified. He says that he won’t harm her, and strokes her cheek.

My breathing was harsh, heart racing. “You . . . you were a . . . a—”

“A what?” he cut me off, bitterness enveloping his once somewhat tender voice. “A monster?” (loc. 746)

Actually, you’re putting words in her mouth there. He huffs about it for a moment, then points out that he saved her life. Um…from what? Last I saw Harlow was getting a drink and then you grabbed her. Or were we supposed to think that someone else grabbed her and then the terrible werewolf rescued her from that someone? That could have been helped by the previous scene being written in such a way that someone who read it would know what was happening, which admittedly is a lot to ask.

Harlow agrees that he saved her life and he points out that she’s ungrateful, so she thanks him. I’m getting the vibe that our werewolf friend is a bit of a drama queen. Harlow probably agrees, because she says she needs to leave.

I stepped to the door where he had knotted the strings together, only to be blocked by the boy’s massive body. I took a moment to marvel at his sheer masculinity and fine-toned tan (page 759).

Classic werewolf.

He explains that it’s not safe to travel through the woods at night. Harlow thinks about Darian and decides to take her chances. So she grabs a pouch from the ceiling, pulls out a knife that she happened to see earlier, and slashes at him, cutting his arm, which gives her the time she needs to tear through the leathery [!] cloth walls of the tent and take off. She sees some lights that look like fireflies and runs towards them, but instead, it turns out to be the severed head of a vampire with dangling glowing intestines and fresh blood dripping down her lips. Holy shit!

To be fair, Breeanna hasn’t used the word vampire yet. But it’s a humanoid with fangs, so yeah.

The humanoid with fangs calls Harlow dessert, but then the hot werewolf leaps between them.

I felt that boy—what was his name again, Roswell? (loc. 775)

His name has never been mentioned, or even hinted at, before in this book. That’s a double shot of straight vodka. Choose something decent. Ketel One or Grey Goose.

Also. Roswell. Roswell? Are you fucking kidding me?

That’s another double shot.

Harlow watches as fur covers Roswell and he grows a snout. Then he takes a forty-foot leap to where the head is hovering and snaps and fluid splatters across Harlow’s face.

I wondered if it had begun to rain. Incoherently I realized what I had felt was not precipitation from the heavens, but the blood of a creature born in hell (loc. 780).

She has remarkably perceptive skin.

Drinks: 29

Comment [13]

Now we’re over in Roswell’s mind as he’s chewing through the demon.

I involuntarily licked my mussel (loc. 783)

Just because spell check doesn’t flag the word DOESN’T MEAN IT’S THE CORRECT WORD HOW THE FUCK DO YOU MISTAKE MUSSEL FOR MUSCLE?

Apparently Harlow looks curious and amused, which is odd, she just was just splattered with the blood of a creature born in hell. But maybe that turns her on? Apparently, because she says that it’s “wicked” and that she’s never seen anything like it. Then she says it was fun and she wants to do it again??? What? Run through a forest and then watch a werewolf chew up a vampire demon? What the hell is happening?

Roswell turns back into his human form, and then…

I walked over to where she now stood, brushing of earth off her, completely aware I was naked. She didn’t seem bothered so I didn’t bring it up (loc. 788)

Ahahhaha “bring it up” I see what you did there!

They introduce each other and Roswell thinks that “Harlow Grimm” is a title which doesn’t make any sense. Roswell says that the vampire was a Penanggalan which is a total rip-off of existing mythology, but whatever. He suggests they head back to camp and a sentence later they’re there. Breeanna really has no sense of how to correctly portray the passage of time. This is figuratively how most scenes go:

“By Jove, Arnold, I do love Chicago! But it’s time to catch the train back to New York.”

“Quite right, Quincy! By the way, your beard is attractive!”

“Thank you,” said Quincy, as they walked past the Statue of Liberty.

It doesn’t make any fucking sense. You can’t transport characters across miles of terrain during a single line of boring-ass dialogue.

They go back to the camp and to Roswell’s tent and he gets dressed and grabs a cigar. Apparently he can conjure a flame by snapping his fingers, which is impressive. Harlow asks him to tell her about his people.

“Well, first, we aren’t people. People are humans. We are Wulver. If you can look at it in such a way, we are not people per se, that’s like saying your pet dogs are people. See it sounds ridiculous, does it not?” (loc. 821)

No. He’s clearly an intelligent, humanoid-shaped creature, that is nothing like saying a pet dog is “people”.

There’s some boring dialogue which tells us nothing, and a few misspelled words. Eventually he picks her up by the back of the neck, which sounds painful, and takes her out to the rest of the pack to request to keep her as a pet. The elders are fine with this, even though just a couple pages ago they were flipping their shit because she’s an outsider. They tell Roswell to keep her away from the pack and that is that. They go back to the tent and Harlow relays her life story.

A sudden thought spontaneously combusted within my mind. “Are you hungry? You have eaten in a while.” (loc. 880)

He wonders if she’s hungry and that thought “spontaneously combusts” in his mind. And it says “have” rather than “haven’t”.

…I literally do not think I have ever encountered writing quite as bad as this.

The night passes, or rather it’s suddenly morning since time doesn’t actually pass in this world. Roswell borrows a comb so Harlow can comb her hair, then they head out to some sort of training ground where Roswell cuts a stick and fashions what I can only assume is a wooden sword? Apparently he’s going to teach her to fight. Why? I have no idea. There has been absolutely no in-text explanation or really any logical reason why he is doing this. Roswell says she has to address him as Master, and henceforth, she will be known as “Chepi”. Harlow isn’t happy about that and suggests “Blair” instead which he agrees to.

They fight. It’s not described at all. Then suddenly Harlow uses her sword to vault over Roswell and poke him in the back, because she’s actually a ninja/Olympic pole vaulter, which we never knew about.

They keep practicing for half a day while Roswell thinks about how he needs to find Harlow a sword and the grammatical structure of these sentences makes me wonder if this book was written in another language and they just ran the manuscript through Google translate and immediately published it.

…probably not. Google translate has better grammar.

We move to the POV of the All-Knowing who is talking about Blair and Roswell eating stew. She’s calling him Master like the good subservient she isn’t. The rest of the vampires are hovering around being quite racist. Eventually they go to the Elder’s hut to request to go to the city to get a weapon for Blair/Harlow. The Elder says no. And suddenly they’re back in Roswell’s hut. Roswell packs up and they leave town. Roswell lights a cigar incoherently. How do you do that? I don’t know.

As they walk, Harlow/Blair thinks about life. Eventually she takes her wedding ring off and chucks it into the bushes.

Pondering love, war, and her own humanity, Harlow Grimm, now known as Blair, headed into an unknown land with a menacing creature of the night puffing on his cigar all the way to Dibujar (loc. 1035)

That is possibly the most interesting sentence that humankind has ever written.

Back to Darian. He angsts about Harlow as he lights a fire and starts carving up a rodent he trapped and is planning on eating. The wind makes eerie noises. Then a voice says it is behind him, and suddenly a branch from the willow tree reaches down and picks him up by the back of the shirt. Holy shit, we’re ripping off Tolkien now?

“Yeah! Ya wanna fight or somethin’?” I challenged, trying furiously to appear as though I were calm. Calm, right, I’m only being interrogated by a grammatically confused plant!

“Ha ha he he har har ho. No fight does I.” (loc. 1069)

So…Darian is dealing with a tree that talks like Yoda. A Yoda plant. A Yodant. I guess ChrissyPao isn’t the only one who self-publishes books that simultaneously rip off Star Wars and Lord of the Rings.

There’s even a picture:

Darian argues with the tree to let him go so he does right about the time Darian realizes he’s fifty feet in the air, so he falls screaming and then the tree catches him and argues with him. Darian calls the tree a buffoon but the tree thinks Darian just gave him a name and now they’re going to be best friends forever! Buffoon agrees to help Darian find Harlow but says that they need to go seek the help of Lady Rowan, who is wise and magical and shit. So kind’ve an exact copy of the scene where Merry and Pippin are lost and need to find the rest of the Company and encounter Treebeard who then sets off to find the White Wizard.

We bounce over to Lady Rowan the Wise:

Mid-Epoch sun blazed in the creamy sapphire sky. Peering into the massive brass-framed mirror, I combed through my fiery golden carmine hair with a porky pine quill brush (loc. 1126)

That sounds…dangerous.

She does her hair, musing about how long it’s been since she’s seen anyone, and throws some powder into the fire, which conjures up an image of TreeYoda carrying Darian. Rowan starts making soup / witch’s brew while thinking about how cute Darian is and how she hopes he likes her. I’m getting the vibe that Rowan might be mildly insane.

After a bit TreeYoda and Darian arrives and Rowan goes out to greet them. Darian gets down and TreeYoda pats him on the back which sends him flying. She bends over to see if he’s okay and Darian stands up and then suddenly Rowan is on the ground and Darian offers his hand to help her up. Okay, Breeanna forgot who was standing and who was sitting; it’s the kind of thing you could easily miss if you didn’t bother proofreading your book even once.

Buffoon says goodbye and goes skipping off down the lane. Rowan invites Darian inside to eat soup and explain what is going on. Rowan’s hopes are crushed when she learns Darian is engaged. Eventually, Darian gets to his point: Harlow has vanished and to find her…he wants to learn magic. Wait, what? When the hell did he decide this? He’s been searching for what, a couple days, and he’s already given up to the point where he decides he needs to learn magic? I…honestly need to stop being surprised at character motivations changing without rhyme or reason; we’re still early in this book.

Darian talks about his deep love for Harlow which makes Rowan break down crying so she runs off into the woods to the creek, sobbing, and suddenly sees an Aigamuxa.

Aigamuxa are large, man-eating, and mostly human-looking creatures with eyes on the soles of their feet (loc. 1222).

And also lovingly stolen from the mythology of southern African bushmen. And – you know what, rant time.

I really don’t have a problem with things being borrowed or stolen from mythology, or hell, even from other sources. All I truly ask is that they are A) treated well, and B) packaged with plenty of the author’s own creativity. If I’m reading a well-written, interesting novel with three-dimensional characters that’s putting a thoroughly fresh spin on a genre, I’m on board, even if the novel includes references or homages to other works. But an author has to earn that. If you can show that you’re a creative writer who can actually come up with your own characters and ideas, I’ll accept that you’re offering homage to the work you’re referencing, or you’re borrowing from mythology because you love the original mythological work.

There is none of that here. The Penanggalan and Aigamuxa aren’t here to be explored in any interesting or meaningful way, they’re here to die (spoiler alert) and neither of them will ever be referenced again for the rest of this novel. What’s more, there is nothing interesting or remotely unique about this book, it’s a stitched-together patchwork of things stolen from better authors with absolutely no redeeming qualities. So when these creatures pop up, it doesn’t feel like it’s a clever reference to southern African bushmen mythology. It feels like Breeanna realized there needed to be a monster so she picked up her copy of Weird-Ass Monsters From Mythology sitting next to her desk, picked one at random, and stuffed it in the story.

That, I hate.

Anyway, Rowan calls upon the god of the waters – Poseidon – to fight and conjures the water into ice and throws a bunch of ice daggers at the Aigamuxa but they don’t penetrate the skin. Rowan turns to run but it catches her in a moment, picks her up, and licks her cheek as she struggles to free herself. So, like most people do in life-or-death situations, Rowan flashes back to the last time she’d fought an Aigamuxa, and she had to be rescued by…Alexander the Great. That one time she was sent to 323 BC.

Yep.

Turns out Alexander the Great was poisoned by the Aigamuxa and that’s why he died abruptly at age 33.

It bites her and she feels the poison start coursing through her veins and then Darian leaps into the fray with a dramatic “Release her, fiend!” The Aigamuxa drops Rowan in the drink and the fight is on. It’s very dramatic:

A strange brightness shone around his silhouette; a sort of sorcery was being played here. His sword cut into the beast, causing it to expel a horrific cry. He kicked the hellish creature and began stabbing it viciously as if he had been possessed. Cuss words spilled from his mouth (loc. 1258).

Anyway, Darian kills it, no problem, and carries Rowan back. She’s feeling much better, so apparently the poison wasn’t actually a big deal. Rowan decides that she’ll make some “cleansing teas” for herself. Whew, good thing the poison wasn’t something that would have some impact on the plot!

They get back to the house and Darian faints from exhaustion. Rowan thinks about it and decides that she’s going to help him, because

he is the type of person that the world needs; he is a true savior (loc. 1273).

Okay. To recap: Harlow, code name Blair, is married to the psychotic, rape-happy Prince Jafar and is currently on the run with Roswell, a sexy vampire-killing werewolf that is developing a kinky master/slave relationship with her. Meanwhile, Harlow’s fiancé, Darian Archer, is trying to find her by befriending Treebeard/Yoda hybrids and learning magic from a time-traveling witch who wants to bang him, and once killed Alexander the Great.

Got it.

Drinks: 42

Comment [37]

We’re now in Blair’s POV, Blair, of course, being Harlow. We know this because the section is titled Blair in large bold letters. I have a bit of a problem with this. Done properly, if they start referring to themselves and thinking of themselves by their new name it can illustrate the depth of change they have undergone. One good example would be in A Song of Ice and Fire (spoiler alert) where Theon comes to know himself and think as Reek. That being said, that change only comes after months of months of brutal torture combined with extreme mental abuse and subjugation. Here, Harlow hasn’t really been through much, there’s been no passage of time, and it makes the sudden name change rather…odd.

She and Roswell are having more training sessions dueling with wooden staffs.

With leverage from a low boulder, I pushed myself into flight. Seizing his weapon between my filthy bare feet, I applied slight pressure, adding to the already splintering force of my body weight until finally it cracked and shattered (loc. 1284)

When did HarBlair become a ninja? People don’t learn to leap in the air and grab and snap wooden staves between their bare feet overnight. Not buying it. It sounds like a cool move from The Matrix, but no.

Blair falls down and throws up and realizes she’s hungry, so she asks Roswell how old he is. No, the sudden change doesn’t really make sense. Breeanna: have your characters have moments of introspection when they are not actively involved with other things. Like, they fight, Blair gets hungry, so they go hunting, and as they are walking out into the woods she wonders how old Roswell and so she asks him. Conversations have ebb and flow, dialogue follows after each other. It doesn’t sound like this.

Roswell is 19 Zapatos. Not sure if this will become relevant. Blair is still hungry, so she imagines bison or hyena grilling over a fire with coco sauce. I don’t know what that means, unless it’s a sauce made out of Conan O’Brien. I do know that bison is delicious, and I’m pretty sure that hyena would be stringy, tough, and not remotely appetizing.

Roswell says he’s going to teach her hunting so they get a bow and arrow and…sit…without going anywhere…for an hour. Eventually an eight-point buck wanders by and she jumps up which is a bad idea because it scares game and she fires and the arrow curves in midair and nails the deer through the side of the head. Ok. So when he said he was going to teach her hunting, he wasn’t going to teach her anything. Or maybe the point was it doesn’t matter if you’re extraordinarily shitty at hunting if you can use your Wanted-esque skills to magically curve an arrow’s flight in midair.

Blair’s strength and vision fails her and she swoons and sees Darian’s gorgeous face. He’s talking to a woman named Rowie. Blair is pissed off. How DARE he leave her for another woman who is taking care of him as he’s sick! It’s not like she’s shacking up with a hot werewolf. Blair is enraged, but after a moment she feels upset because he’s under the weather and feels happy that he’s being cared for and decides she’s never going to let Darian go. It’s like being inside the mind of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Please, for the love of the gods, structure your thought process. Show the logical progression of something thinking about a problem and changing their mind.

I never wanted to see his face again (loc. 1329)

And now she’s back to hating him.

We hop skip and a jump over to Jafar who is in bed in extreme pain. He calls for the nurse and an attractive blonde comes in. He begs her to come closer…and closer…and closer…and then he asks her to save him from his agony.

She slapped my face, stormed off.
“Get back here,” I yelled.
“No way. I quit, you letcher!” She tossed her bonnet on the floor. “Touching my butt,” she muttered under her breath (loc. 1341)

Lecher doesn’t have a T in it, but more to the point, please decide exactly what type of world you are living in. I tend to give pseudomedieval fantasy a lot of shit for not conforming to what medieval life is actually like, since it doesn’t make sense to use the medieval archetypes without understanding what that type of life is like for the different castes. But honestly, you don’t even have to do that much. All you really need to do is to have your story be internally and logically consistent. So: either Jafar is a powerful dictator-prince of this country who can have entire villages razed to the ground and the inhabitants exterminated because he fucking feels like it, or he can let himself be slapped by nurses. Not both. It doesn’t work that way. If Jafar lives in the supreme dictatorship that has been established, then if he wants to sexually assault a servant, they are almost certainly going to let themselves be sexually assaulted. Is it horrible? Of course it is, but life in dictatorships is pretty horrible, and most people know better than to strike the crown prince because the punishment is probably somewhere between being boiled alive in oil and getting the full William Wallace treatment.

Jafar is mildly annoyed but he makes a mental note to find a nurse who’s a tramp, and then starts thinking about Harlow.

I smirked at the very thought of getting that sensuous mare and her magnificently kissable breasts (1346).

Referring to a woman as a “mare” is rather offensive, but that fits Jafar, so okay. “Magnificently kissable breasts”, however, is a wonderful phrase.

The king enters and Jafar yells at him for only knocking once and it’s just like a teenager arguing with his father except weird. The king says the city is sealed tight, no getting in or out, which might’ve been useful if you’d done that before Harlow escaped.

Jafar asks of Darian was found. Uh… what? Now I’m more than a little confused. How does Jafar know anything about Darian, let alone be even mildly interested in his whereabouts? Darian hasn’t gotten close to the fucking capital, he’s off chilling with Treebeard and the lonely witch, which is a great name for a band. So either there was a deleted scene of some kind or she forgot which characters know about which characters and either way it doesn’t make any fucking sense.

Jafar jumps up and pulls his clothes on, deciding to find Harlow. For some reason, prompted by the news that Darian was gone. He runs out to the stables, is interrupted briefly by his mother, and then realizes that Harlow stole Ellie, which is an odd name for a black stallion. Anyway, Jafar changes his mind about taking two hundred soldiers with him and decides to seek Harlow out on his own, a gloriously stupid idea I can only pray will end in a most gruesome death. As he rides away, he thinks about how this will be the last time he sees his father.

Now we’re in the POV of Nani Anne Pine(Grimm) who goes through an intense inner monologue about her child, and thinks about how much the human race sucks. She comes upon a town and leaps over a fifteen foot wall. Guards start shouting.

“Hold it, lady!” one shouted.
“Her damned legs got to be broken after a fall like that,” the other snickered (loc. 1398).

Use “said”. It’s better 95% of the time, and it helps you avoid using words like “snickered” when they don’t make sense.

Her legs aren’t broken, as she “mooches” which is the weirdest speech tag I’ve ever heard. She breaks the guards’ necks easily and again thinks about how disgusting humans are.

I shall forever loath that my beautiful Harlow was born of such a filthy and undeserving race. She may have been born a human, but on the eve of her eighteenth birth she will have blossomed into the greater being—a being sent as a salvation to all (loc. 1403).

Well that’s fun.

However, as it turns out, if she’s forced into a “premature metamorphosis” then everyone’s screwed.

Back to Roswell. It’s hot. They’re traveling and almost at a joint called Caspyna. They’re travelling to a place called Dibujar to acquire demon slaying equipment, which seems reasonable. Blair is not so hot, veering back and forth between feeling great and violently puking everywhere, which worries him a bit, but Roswell is much more worried about Master Smith, who they’re going to see. Roswell and Master Smith have been communicating throughout the course of his life in a secret language only they know. The language here is a bit confusing, so I’m not sure if they’ve been writing letters back and forth or communicating telepathically. Maybe a bit of both?

Roswell thinks about how it hurts him to see the bruises he leaves on Blair’s body during their training session, and that he has feelings for her, and that they are one, and that he is almost out of cigars and really needs to get some more from an upcoming town.

Blair asks if they can stop to eat, so they stop and he growls at her playfully.

“Oh stop that, silly.”
“I’m not silly. I’m a beast. Rawr! Fear me!” I screamed jestingly.
“You’re not a beast. You’re a just . . . just a big house dog.” (loc. 1450)

When people are jesting, they usually don’t scream.

She pounced playfully, wrestling around in the grass (loc. 1455).

This is the same person who was just raging about Darian being tended by another woman. If Breeanna is trying to convey that HarBlair is a raging hypocrite, she’s doing a fine job.

Later, he misplaces Blair, as she is his possession that can be misplaced. Eventually he spots her down by the creek, morosely splashing water as her “Charmane” hair…is there.

“This is that, the celebratory Epoch of birth.” Her voice was unchanging. (loc. 1461)

What is that?

“In truth? That is something to be glorified about! Why are you sullen?” (loc. 1462)

What are these people talking about? The creek? The creek is the celebratory Epoch of birth? Or is it her Charmane hair?

“I have no reason not to be. My life is no happy occasion, Master Roswell.” (loc. 1463)

To be fair, Blair has had a bit of a hard knock life, but she is alive, and she was just wrestling playfully with her sexy werewolf Master a short while ago. What prompted this change?

“Oh, but your life is celebratory to me, for your birth has made me a blessed person. Rejoice because your life is important.” (loc. 1464)

Roswell talks really fucking weird.

“Staunch. I am of no importance.” I lifted her chin up with my finger. (loc. 1466)

I really have no idea why Blair says “staunch” here. But I do know that dialogue that is said by Blair should not be accompanied by an action that is taken by Roswell. It needs a new paragraph, otherwise the reader is confused by who is taking the action.

Drinks: 33

Comment [20]

We rejoin Lady Rowan and Darian four Epochs later. Neither of them are well.

I had become so induced in thought that Darian had noticed my absence from our conversation (loc. 1479).

That makes sense.

Darian wants to know when his training will begin. Rowan doesn’t want to begin the training until he’s well again. Darian doesn’t think much of that:

“She is unprotected in a dangerous land, and I certainly lack the time to laze about while the woman I yearn to protect is tracked by bounty hunters galore!”

His words of devotion cut deeply as though it were the poisonous fangs of the Great Demon Angel piercing through my flesh into my heart (loc. 1486).

I’ve never been a fan of similes. Bad similes, though, are like being repeatedly hit in the kneecaps with a tire iron. We can understand why someone would be hurt by words without involving the poisonous fangs of the Great Demon Angel.

Rowan says she’ll assign him his first task. Darian is excited. Rowan explains that his first task is…patience. Which is…kinda funny, actually. Darian is furious and shouts about it, but Rowan points out that he needs to have the patience to carefully consider situations rather than rushing in blindly. Darian doesn’t think she understands, but Rowan says she understands all too well the pain he feels, and delivers a viciously eloquent verbal curb-stomping:

“If you chose to disobey me, then leave now and save me the trouble of kicking you out because I refuse to let you walk all over me so you can go and get your sorry ass killed!” (loc. 1514)

Darian says ok, tells her to enjoy her lonely life, and leaves.

We bounce over to the All-Knowing. A pair of telepathic Japanese twins, Kore and Kora, are hanging out in Japan circa 1480. They’re targeting a fat man who is a fan of prostitutes. Kora takes control of the mind of the prostitute who smashes a porcelain kettle full of hot tea over the fat man’s face, then takes a handy katana off the wall and slices his head off. Why? It isn’t explained.

Next day they’re in the streets doing acrobatics for money until the village representative, Taki, accuses them of soliciting and confiscates their sack of money, then offers Kore the sack of money back if he lets his sister come home with her. Kore calls him a disgusting freak. Taki pulls out his katana and tries to kill him but Kore catches the blade in midair and ninjas the sword against the rep’s neck. Taki runs away.

Huh.

The twins walk away and immediately run into a pale man with gold eyes and a girl with fuchsia eyes. Fuchsia. They explain they want the twins to join their “league of gifted individuals” to help the world. The twins immediately agree. And then they all teleport away.

Darian is storming away saying the word “damn” a lot, exhausted, raging against Rowan, and makes it about two miles before he passes out while hallucinating something in the sky.

Over to Blair. They’ve arrived in Caspyna. Blair tries to blend in with the crowd.

The overall style was dramatic and involved tight-fitting pants (loc. 1608).

I love this sentence so much.

Roswell is off at the tobacco shop and gives her a couple Bronsens, which I’m guessing is currency, to buy supplies, which isn’t much. Luckily, a bread vendor offers to just give her a couple of loaves since they’re ‘older’ and nobody will buy them. They look very fresh. Okay. That sounds like most peasant vendors desperate to scratch out a living. Blair heads off to the beef shop and buys a couple pounds of jerky. As she’s heading back, a woman in a clothing store offers her a nice orange dress since she’s dressed like a boy and looks “reduculous”. Jesus fuck, what is it with people just giving Blair shit for no reason?

She changes, and braids her hair, and feels pretty, and then realizes she has no idea how she’ll find Roswell. Although, based on her luck, someone will show up after sacrificing their afternoon to carry Roswell around on their shoulders, just to be polite.

Roswell is pissed that Blair is lost. Don’t let her out of your sight, dumbass.

Jafar thinks about how beautiful the world is, now that he’s out in it.

The only tip I have had on her is that a woman of her description had been seen traveling in the direction of Dibujar accompanied by a tall tanned man with long black hair (loc. 1657)

Wow. So, offscreen, Jafar has only received a single tip, which just happens to tell him precisely where HarBlair is going? That’s awfully convenient that he managed to run into someone who had happened to run into Roswell and HarBlair and was able to recognize HarBlair from his description alone.

Darian angsts. He’s starving. And he left his sword behind. And his horse. He is not very smart.

Blair enjoys the stars and thinks about how she loves Darian as the brother she never had, and if she ever meets Darian again, she hopes he will understand. That…she’s in love with her kinky werewolf master now?

Then she slips into a trance.

And…then comes one of the more surreal parts of this book, which is saying something. The title header says Media; the Future Long Ago. Clever. A girl named Maddi is getting ready for school by inserting her “antique” vampire bat earrings. Her mom yells at her:

“Hurry, you’re going to be late for your cancer, A.I.D.S, and multiple sclerosis vaccinations at the school!” (loc. 1706)

Right. Because it’s the future. Of long ago.

Maddi jumps into the transportational pod in her skintight hyperleather suit and teleports off to North President Trump High School. President…Trump.

We learn that there’s an ongoing turf war:

It was common between the Christian following, armed with guns firing silver cross bullets, and the Communist snakes with their knives (loc. 1715).

Now, I’m not a gun expert, but I feel reasonably confident saying that it would be difficult to design something that fires bullets shaped like silver crosses. Setting aside the incredibly creative gun design that would be required, things shaped like crosses aren’t particularly aerodynamic. They’re good for nailing things to, like lost dog posters, wreaths, and trendy Jewish messiahs, but not really for firing through the air.

A bullet hits her control panel and Maddi flies through time, eventually meeting a strange man. They save the world, become immortal, and now collect special people to create a league of supers to protect the world.

And we the angels have (loc. 1724).

Yes.

Back to our friendly village werewolf. It’s been three hours of searching. Roswell still can’t find Blair and he’s beginning to panic a bit. Then he sees a Wanted for Murder advertisement with a picture of a beautiful woman. From context, I am assuming that the poster is of Blair. Although she hasn’t killed anyone. Then again, it might just be a lie. Although Roswell doesn’t know that, so you’d think he would wonder about whether his girlfriend is actually a murderer. (Spoiler: no)

We skip forward in time and he’s found Blair. Whew! I was getting worried there for about two pages.

Blair asks what they’re going to do after Dibujar, which Roswell hasn’t really thought about. She doesn’t want to live without a purpose but they agree to live for each other.

They stop at a tavern and eat some chicken and beer. Roswell is mildly concerned as Blair starts pounding back drinks like she’s sporking a really shitty fantasy novel. After a bit, Blair starts spouting nonsensical quotes, like that “you know you’re too stressed when the trees start chasing you, or when the sun is too loud, or when you consider brewing a necessary step in the consumption of coffee, or when you start to hear mimes.” These are all extremely original, hilarious jokes, except they’re not. Eventually Blair starts falling down, so Roswell carries her back to their room, noticing that she has considerably beefed up since the last time he carried her.

Next they’re walking and Roswell is talking about buying a horse. This topic is promptly abandoned, like most topics in this tome, and he mentions that he’s done some studying and found a term that is only used by Blair’s people: love. Blair blushes. I wish she was blushing fuchsia.

Roswell asks her about love.

“Well,” she pondered, “love in the human culture is . . . it is . . . what is love?” (loc. 1808)

Indeed.

“Hmm, a song perhaps to tell you of love, one my mother taught to me that spoke of love as a river that would drown the lovers; a razor that pierces deeply onto your soul. It is a hunger, an aching need that is never ending.” (loc. 1810)

To someone who has no concept of what love is, (which doesn’t really make sense, because Roswell clearly has feelings towards Blair, even if they’re only kinky lusts) that’s the worst fucking description of love.

They talk about love. It reminds Roswell of a word, Vanzetti, which basically means torture. Blair says there are different kinds of love; familial love, brotherly love, passionate love…which Roswell is familiar with. Obviously. But Blair says that love of passion rarely ends in happiness. Roswell asks why people do it if it just causes them pain.

“Because the pain just feels so good.” (loc. 1833)

Indeed.

Darian. Nothing happens.

Lady Rowan looks out the window and Luman Vener, which I’m guessing is a sun or moon or celestial body, and it’s red on one side. This is apparently significant. Then she collapses.

The book is calling, but who will answer? (loc. 1850)

This is how I feel every time I find a new spork-worthy book.

Back to Roswell and Blair. They’ve bought a caramel horse with a saffron mane.

…seriously? Keep in mind that this sequence is from Roswell’s point of view. A werewolf who doesn’t even understand the concept of love has the visual acuity and linguistic dexterity to identify his horse’s mane as fucking saffron?

Blair is still bubbly giggly, which makes me suspect she’s still drunk from last night, and makes me wish that I was. Blair decides they’re naming the horse Carmen, and the conversation changes from that rather peculiar name to Blair having a way with animals. Roswell points out she has a way with him. Blair says he’s not an animal. Roswell says he is. To be fair, he’s a werewolf; they’re both partially right wrong.

Time went by; the sun floated across the clouded sky. The humanity so harsh, one would say you could even cut the air itself with only a butter knife (loc. 1867).

I’m reasonably confident that’s a typo and “humanity” should be “humidity” but I really hope it’s not, because if this sentence is really about humanity so harsh you could cut it with a butter knife it is now my favorite sentence in the history of writing.

Drinks: 48

Comment [15]

We’re still with Blair and Roswell.

After the fragrant shower of liquid sunshine we decided to rest where we were until the next morning (loc. 1889).

It’s fucking rain.

Blair wakes up first and watches Master Roswell sleep, the rise and fall of his bare bronze chest, “his ebony mane slithering over his rippling pectorals” (loc. 1891). She smells him, and he smells like burning lavender and cedar wood. Okay, Breeanna, I have a bone to pick with you. Why does this peasant girl know what burning lavender smells like? And why does a sweaty, rain-soaked werewolf smell like burning lavender?

Blair thinks about how much she wants to kiss him, but feels guilty because of Darian. She thinks about how she only thinks of Darian as a brother now. Eventually she lays her head on Roswell’s chest, which has changed from bronze to copper, and falls asleep. She’s abruptly awoke when Roswell jerks away and her head falls into his lap. She sits up, red-faced. Heyyoooo!

Blair asks if she can go hunting for food and Roswell agrees. We smash cut forward to them arriving in Dibujar, and finding a medicine man since Blair broke her arm while hunting. And I have to admit…that’s actually pretty funny. We learn through flashback that Blair was hunting a buffalo, and trips over a sycamore tree root and falls over a small cliff. Sycamores tend to grow near water, not on cliffs. But, ok.

Now we’re in the POV of Master Smith, the guy woman Roswell came for. Roswell rolls in and asks for some weapons. Smith says something terrible will happen soon. Roswell explains he can’t go back to his clan because they’ve kicked him out due to Blair. Blah blah, they talk about what happens, Smith offers to make Blair full body armor, Roswell declines, eventually Smith says she’ll make Blair weapons.

Over to Darian, who is hallucinating something fierce about hating rain and needing to get to the city of Trabajadora.

Our love, Pretty little love Harly, We’s gonna build you a castle, a Kingdome to rule, because we’s love you Harly. Pretty baby Harly (loc. 1976).

Like I said: hallucinating.

Back to Blair. Roswell comes and picks her up…literally…and carries her through the town. Blair is surprised to hear that Master Smith is a woman.

Over to “Son Elder” which is a bit of an oxymoron. Apparently he’s of the Wulver Clan. He’s fighting the Gorgons, which are exactly what you’d expect, and tearing heads off and shit is getting real. Son Elder thinks about the prophets who spoke of the end of times, Roswell leaving (turns out Roswell is his brother), and keeps killing Gorgons. Then he hears a scream, and runs, and finds his beloved wife Lilly dead on the ground. The Gorgon who killed her is already gone.

No sooner did I feel a pair of vicious fangs in my neck, but I did not falter, nor did I fight back. I willingly allowed the gruesome Gorgon to devour me (loc. 2010).

I’m not a psychologist (although I do play one on TV) but you’d think that someone, after seeing his wife be brutally killed, would go all William Wallace on the people who killed her rather than just giving her up and letting himself be killed, but whatever.

Over to the POV of the All-Knowing. Blair is excited and bouncing around. Roswell tells her to calm down because if she isn’t disciplined in front of Master Smith she won’t make Blair the weapons and they need weapons capable of killing demons.

They get to Smith’s…smithy…and Smith takes some measurements and eventually starts debating the best type of weapon. She thinks about a Falcata (from the Iberian peninsula) or a Khopesh (from Egypt). Roswell suggest a Basket Hilted Claymore (from Scotland) which Smith dismisses because claymores are big very fucking heavy swords and not the type of weapon you’d give to a teenage girl, which makes Roswell an idiot. And yes, all those names of weapons are capitalized for no real reason. Eventually Smith settles on a Kris (from Indonesia) which looks a bit like this.

Blair agrees. Smith then asks Roswell what type of weapon he wants. Roswell wants a Katana, a Karambit, and two Kujangs. I don’t know why he has a fetish for weapons that begin with the letter K, but honestly, this setting-jumping is starting to really grate on me. Look: I’m fine if you want to pull from mythology, and if you want to bounce around a bit stealing things from different cultures. Sure, I’m not a fan, but there is more than one way to skin a cat. What I want is some goddamn consistently. Where, precisely, is this place set in time? Why does a random werewolf have an encyclopedia-like knowledge of obscure bits of weaponry from a dozen different cultures set over several thousand years of Earth history that begin with the letter K, most of which were long since abandoned for not being terribly practical at killing other people?

Smith says the weapons will be done tomorrow, which sounds awfully fast, but maybe she has magic. She asks Blair what her full name is. Blair says Harlow Grimm.

Over to the POV of Master Smith. Yes, she’s using magic and stuff. She makes swords. Then she finishes the swords. The next day she gives them to Blair and Roswell, along with some leather shoes, and tries to give Blair some clothes as well, but Blair refuses. I am not sure why, considering she was more than happy to accept the free dress she’s wearing, and free weapons, and free shoes…

We jump over to The All Knowing, who decides to summarize some stuff for us:

Time passed for our characters, nearly five Apogees since the story began, as Harlow and Roswell traveled falling deeper and deeper into a fit of romance that neither could explain or acknowledge (loc. 2096).

Darian is also getting in increasingly deeper shit, and evil is coming and getting into the world.

Back to Blair, her legs and ankles are swelling and she’s throwing up and HOLY SHIT everything comes together and she realizes that when Jafar raped her, she got pregnant.

Oh such a woe that I feel now more than ever. Why is it I deserve such a cruel fate such as this? I felt disgusted with myself and the thing that now fed off my life force; growing from the nutrition of my body. Yet somehow calm and somewhat satisfied with the knowledge. I felt an instinctual maternal love for this child (loc. 2108).

That’s it. Five sentences to go from horror and disgust at carrying a child from rape for maternal instinct to kick in and Blair to successfully rationalize it away.

Roswell comes in and holds her and she cries into his chest for a while. Roswell tells her not to worry, that he’ll take care of them both. After a bit Blair decides to leave the tent to get some air. And…there’s a picture!

Now in the All Knowing.

Harlow made pass across the frozen ground (loc. 2133).

That doesn’t make any fucking sense.

The ground is frozen and it hurts her feet but she doesn’t notice, until eventually she hears a rattle at her feet. It’s a Rattle snake. Actually, it’s one word: rattlesnake. Blair scoops it up, holding it’s mouth closed. When did she become a snake handler? Also, snakes are cold-blooded; you will not find them out slithering at night over frozen ground.

Blair coos at the snake and talks about how they’re both outcasts. Hey! That snake might have a loving family! She hears Roswell shouting in the background as he tries to find her. She lets go of the mouth and immediately the snake starts attacking her face, as she lets it. Roswell shows up right as Blair lets the snake go and starts shaking from the poison. He asks her why.

“I . . . I could n . . . nev . . . ver bare a child by that sick twisted man.” (loc. 2146)

Surprise! From horror and disgust to maternal instinct and then right back to abortion by rattlesnake. I swear Blair is bipolar.

Over to Roswell’s POV. Blair is screaming in agony and flailing about and suddenly….he feels a demonic presence. Then she dies. Roswell angsts, but then Blair begins to…change.

I peered into her eyes as they blackened. In her gaping mouth I could see as her jagged teeth shone like polished daggers. Her nails came to a sharp point as well, now digging deep into my flesh. Her beautiful copper hair turned black, each strand darkening from the scalp down as if black tar ran through it (loc. 2158)

What.

The pinholes from the snake’s fangs closed, healing rapidly (loc. 2161).

…Wolverine?

Her ears. Then I knew. Her ears protruded from her now charcoal hair. One word circulated in my mind as the blood flowed from my arm down hers, her wails quieting.

Elf. (loc 2163)

What the fucking actual fuck.

Over to Harlow. She is filled with a new liveliness. She feels different. She asks Roswell, who stutters for a bit, then says that evidently she’s turned into an Elf. Which is only really possible if she’s half Elfish. Which seems unlikely, considering that we, through Jafar’s eyes, have already met HarBlair’s parents, and you’d think that if they had razor-sharp teeth and nails and giant pointy ears that he might have noticed. Or, you know, Blair might have noticed.

Blair asks Roswell how that could have happened and Roswell, like any good werewolf, knows the answer, because Master Smith gave him a book on human genetics years ago. In fact…get this!…he still carries the book around with him. Roswell whips it out with a flourish and explains how Elfish genes are basically a disease and the parents can only pass it on to a child of the same gender, which seems unlikely based on my admittedly limited understanding of genes, but then again, Elves and werewolves don’t exist, so what the fuck do I know?

Anyway, Roswell explains that her “Elfishism” was triggered by her near death experience, sort’ve like a survival mechanism, which doesn’t really make sense when you logically think about it, except Magic. Not to mention that there really hasn’t been any hints about Blair’s parentage up to this point so this whole thing reeks of Deus Ex Machina. (Incidentally, I did suspect Darian of having some odd parentage since the text specifically points out he was left on his adopted parents’ doorstep. Although…wait a second…what if Darian and Blair are actually siblings and they were BOTH adopted? Which would explain why Blair keeps thinking about loving him as a brother, not a lover?)

At any rate, it’s slightly better than having Blair turned into an Elf by a couple of naked tattooed Elven lesbian tarts dancing around to conjure up a mystical dragon-beast to turn her into a half-human-half-elf hybrid with a smooth hairless groin and ninja-like reflexes, but not much better. I’m sick of humans turning into Elves and leveling up.

We jump ahead into Roswell’s POV. Blair is still pregnant so her abortion scheme didn’t work. She yells for him and he comes running. She’s been yelling for him a lot recently. He opens the tent and stares at her hair.

“What do you think?” she touched the ends, brushing it back with her hand. “Is it sexy?” (loc. 2223)

Bow chicka bow wow!

Roswell says she looks beautiful. Blair thinks about how he’s a man, and gorgeous. Suddenly Roswell freezes, transforms into a wolf, and leaps out of the tent. Over the next few pages we rapidly flip back and forth between POVs which yes, it’s really fucking annoying. Roswell fights a feline demon. It’s kicking his ass. Then it bites his neck. He howls. Blair screams. Vision fades. Harlow – wait, why is she Harlow again instead of Blair – can only watch with tears streaming down her face, never mind that it’s been established that she has mad ninja skills and was recently given a sword WITH THE EXPRESS PURPOSE OF FIGHTING DEMONS AND IS A FUCKING ELF NOW. Then we skip back to Roswell’s POV…oh yeah, now Blair has leapt into action:

I heard Harlow screaming again. I cracked my open to see her beating the creature with my katana, impaling its heart (loc. 2248)

Okay. First of all, yes, the word “eyes” is missing. Second of all, you don’t “beat” things with a fucking katana, it’s not a truncheon. Third of all…I’ve ranted about this before…Breeanna, things happen more or less logically. Cause and effect. Action…reaction. You can’t have someone doing something on one page and then something else entirely on the next without something to have bridged that gap. Why would Harlow stand there self-narrating “all I could do is watch with tears streaming down my face” when she can do significantly MORE than that and then proceeds to DO more than that a moment later? It doesn’t make sense.

Now, you could argue – and in fact, the intention of this scene might even be – that Harlow stands there weeping, rooted in shock, and then suddenly, spurred by Roswell’s impending death, she gets her shit together, leaps into action, and goes on Kill Bill on the demon with Roswell’s katana…but that’s not the way this scene comes across. More importantly, if that is what the intention is, show us that. That is an interesting scene. Characters being motivated and taking action is interesting. Those are the type of scenes people want to read about. Don’t skip over your most interesting, full of character development sequences. That is bad writing.

Anyway. Roswell lies there, gushing blood. Blair is apparently Harlow now. Roswell asks her to tell him that she loves him. She does.

Then I realized something. I think I did love Roswell, and my life that has been torn apart will no longer have meaning (loc. 2263).

Saw that coming.

Then Roswell dies.

Did not see that coming.

I kinda like this development. No more kinky master/servant werewolf shit. Just a random, brutal death. I do reserve the right to rescind my appreciation of this development if Roswell comes back to life, or if he just died so Harlow could get back together with one of the other men lusting after her.

Drinks: 71

Comment [36]

We’re over with the All Knowing and Eos and Xanthippe are talking about stuff. It’s a little confusing, and would probably still be confusing even if the missing words were there.

“Make mind,” Xanthippe said powerfully, not allowing his own emotions to take control of his voice for my. “That the persons who have survived these trying times must never speak of the sights of this disaster, happening, or even we, the Angels. We must not exist to these new children until the time is dire once more.” (loc. 2272)

That is exactly as it’s written.

Anyway, Xanthippe may have done something bad so he has Media the bubbly time traveler seal him in a tomb? And also the Japanese twins are there.

Over to Lady Rowan, who seems to know something about what is going on, so she writers a letter to an old friend named Zosime. After a bit Zosime shows up. She has velvet black hair and vibrant aquamarine eyes. We move to Zosime’s POV. They chat about a “dark book”, and that someone named Fell Nerr Zu San Vech has been resurrected through the blood of Non. I am so incredibly confused right now. We don’t know who any of these people are or what they want and Breanna is name-dropping new individuals so fast I can’t even keep track of the different factions here. This is why it’s handy to have a character in the plot who is new to situations so they can figure things out along with the audience, or, you know, just drop into an authorial aside and spell things out.

They have tea and talk and decide to go to a weapons shop in Dibujar.

Over to Blair’s mom who realizes that Blair has become an Elf. See, when young women transform into Elves, they release a lot of energy, which the book helpfully tells us is “unexplainable”. You could just say it involves a burst of magic which can be sensed by many creatures? Anyway:

Filthy creatures will be swarming from all corners of the region, attracted by her sweet aroma (loc. 2371).

So…are they attracted by the burst of energy or the fact that Blair smells like crushed pine needles?

Blair’s mom is worried:

Perhaps it may had been more effective to have had told her as a child what she would become (loc. 2374).

Yes.

Over to Blair, who is back to Blair even though she was just Harlow. She is filled with angst. She shouts “why” and beats on Roswell’s bloody chest and eventually she becomes calm. She packs up all their supplies and attaches their four K-weapons to her “hilt” which doesn’t make any sense, maybe it’s supposed to say belt? Then we get this:

As I left the tent, I peered over at Roswell’s bloody corpse askew by the feline beast that slew him with a certain abhorrence and without thought or effort I uttered fiercely with no real motive, no notion (loc. 2387).

That sentence is just…awful.

The word Blair says is “equin” even though she doesn’t know what it means, but it makes the bodies burst into flame, because she can do magic now, see? I’m really not a fan of characters getting awesome magical powers without even studying and being able to use these powers without knowing what to do or what words to say. It’s narratively and dramatically unsatisfying, and it gives the character the ability to deus ex machina their way out of any situation. Why should we be worried about Blair when we know her magical powers could randomly kick in at any moment?

We jump to Darian who is still hallucinating and still talking in baby talk for reasons that aren’t clear. He arrives in Trabajador and gets into a fight with a big troll man and punches a hole in the troll’s chest. Seriously. Apparently Darian has superpowers now. Darian gets a vile (I think it’s supposed to be a vial) and fills it with troll’s blood, which is good for healing. Okay.

Many eyes watch us as we’s step to the bench and we’s pick up buck weed powder and put some in, then molasses and ginger root juice then put the glass to we’s lips and drank every drop that we’s could get. The bitter juice dribbled down we’s mouth (page 2404).

God this is annoying.

Darian picks up a nearby scythe and whirls around chopping the heads off a bunch of innocent bystanders for no reason. People run but he murders them all. Then some hooded figures come up and beat him up and then they vanish. Okay. This storyline is incredibly compelling.

Over to Blair’s mom, Nani Anne, who arrives in Trabajador and follows the trail of corpses to Darian, who is still tripping balls. She explains that he can’t have “pretty baby Harly” because…well, Blair is his sister.

CALLED IT.

Nani Anne explains:

“I am an Elf from Yelle Yaxle. I knew I needed a daughter to assume the throne. So when you were born, I claimed miscarriage and gave you away. I am sorry, but I had to. When I had Harlow, I had to ensure that the two of you could be married and before you could consummate the marriage, I would take you away and tell you of your relation and we would return to Yelle Yaxle to rightfully rule.” (loc. 2435)

Okay. I’ll accept that she needs a daughter for some reason. Why did she have to give Darian away? Is she not allowed to have a male child, or more than one kid? And why the fuck does she need them to get married and then intervene before they can bump uglies? This doesn’t make sense.

Darian doesn’t believe her and attacks. Nani Anne picks up a bat and smashes his face in. Darian goes flying, blood spraying everywhere, picks himself up, snaps his broken nose back into place, and attacks again. Jesus fucking Christ. Where did these characters get their superpowers?

They fight for a bit and eventually Nani Anne grabs the scythe away from Darian with her feet, because she has opposable toes. Darian says that she will die now at the hands of the King of Elves. Okay…I guess that is supposed to be him?

He pointed his palms at me, fingers up-pointed. The skin opened and two sharp projectile blades came flying out (loc. 2458).

Okay. So Darian has Wolverine-esque dartguns inside his hands. That…makes sense.

They hit Nani Anne and she sinks dramatically to the ground and dies while narrating that she is now dead.

Over to Hippolyte, who has a wacky speech impediment where she can’t say “d” or “th” and so her speech is full of dozens of apostrophes. I’m not joking.

Fortunately, I ha’ a power ‘at I coul’ use in my a’vantage. I coul’ easily alter the aci’ity of any li’ui’ wi’ a single tou’h (loc. 2466).

It makes reading this section very enjoyable. Fortunately, nothing happens.

Over to Roswell, who is not fucking dead. Goddamnit. He runs around trying to find the light and talking to a disembodied voice, who explains where he is:

“You are in the realm of the Not So Living But the Not Yet Dead (loc. 2502)

He’s given a choice to pass into the afterlife or fight to regain his human body which Blair set on fire so hopefully if he survives he gets a new body or he might be actually very much dead. Roswell chooses to fight. The voice peaces out. Roswell walks along and after a bit an enormous axe swings out, which he dodges.

After a bit he comes to a dead end. Roswell tries to break through to no avail while he hears Blair’s voice screaming for help. He repeatedly tries to smash his way through the wall, breaking many of his bones. Then he notices a staircase that’s right there. If only he’d looked maybe two feet to the right he would have seen it and not practically killed himself.

I’m getting the feeling that Roswell isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Turns out it’s just an illusion of her voice.

Next he meets a talking cat who says he can only pass if he can correctly answer six riddles. Roswell breezes through the riddles without any problem because, well, werewolves are great at riddles! Also none of them are particularly challenging. The last one is this one:

Which I hate, but more to the point, how do these characters in this mystical place know what the English language even is?

We hop skip and a jump over to Jafar, who is experiencing…changes.

I felt less hate toward Harlow as each moment passed, but my desire to find her never once faltered. I began to feel something I had never experienced before, a foreign emotion to which I did not have a name, perhaps it was remorse or even love if I could bring myself to admit it (loc. 2671).

Why?

Why is Jafar changing? It’s pretty well-established that Jafar is, and has been throughout his entire life, a giant festering douchebag. He is not a nice or a good person; he cares nothing for the feelings of others. He’s a self-absorbed delusional asshole.

And, generally speaking, people who are like that do not change overnight. Change is slow, even change that is prompted by some dramatic, traumatic, or otherwise life-changing event. I’m not buying this change. Nothing has happened that would prompt it, and we haven’t spent any time with Jafar to actually understand why his character has changed.

This complete lack of character development is a common theme running through the novel, which isn’t surprising, considering the age of the author when it was written. Character development can be difficult, and it’s not readily apparent to young writers. But it’s absolutely critical, and it is what separates boring, cardboard novels from books that stick with you, books that you love.

Jafar wanders around Namaki City and who should he run into but…Harlow. Yes, Harlow, who we last left in the middle of the forest some distance away and now the two people just happen to randomly run into each other in the middle of a city, because that’s plausible. She’s visibly pregnant. Jafar leads her over to a nearby tavern and Harlow doesn’t resist because…well, no reason, really.

“I am sorry, Harlow. Really truly sorry and do not ask that you ever forgive me, for I would not forgive myself.”

“No, I will, I must forgive you, because I have nothing.” (loc. 2687)

HE FUCKING RAPED YOU.

She tells him that it’s his baby. He is delighted and pulls her into an embrace. Harlow asks if he’s angry. He says no and kisses her [!]. She pushes him away and says “Not yet.” Wait, what the fuck do you mean, not yet? That implies that at some point in the future you’re seriously considering getting back together with this murdering raping sack of rat guts and cat vomit?

We move to the All Knowing. Lyssandra Besscati, is 19, pregnant, and her husband Tony has been unfaithful to her with the mayor Leroy Jenkins, who is a man and that is strange because homosexuality is strange? She answers the door and there’s a guy with a gun so she throws up a shield and he fires and the bullet rebounds and hits him in the shoulder and then she accidentally lets the shield slip for a second during which he shoots again and hits her in the belly and she loses the baby and wakes up some time later and there are hooded figures who ask her to join them so she says ok.

Back to Harlow who is explaining her life story to Jafar.

As much as I disliked Jafar, I could see that he was somehow different now. I thought perhaps he may deserve a second chance, because everyone does and after all, he was the father of my child (loc. 2727).

Here is a general life tip for all you writers: don’t write about people getting raped and then getting over it and being friendly, or worse, falling in love with their rapist.

I know Stockholm Syndrome exists. I know there are examples. I know emotions and the human mind are complicated, nonsensical things, and weirder and stranger things have happened. It doesn’t matter. Don’t do it. There is no point. Nothing good can be accomplished through it. Anything you are trying to achieve can be achieved in other, better ways, ways that do not perpetuate a horrifically offensive and insensitive way of thinking, and that does not minimize the incredibly real pain that too many people feel.

Breeanna, I hope this plot point doesn’t exist in the newer version of your novel. If it does, eliminate it entirely.

So they talk. Jafar promises to serve her and that he will not bring her any harm. He admits that he’s lived an awful life and wants to change. Harlow doesn’t want to live in the castle. Jafar explains there’s some land near the mountains and he can get gold from his father to buy the land and build a house where they can live comfortably for the rest of their lives. Harlow asks “we?” Jafar says that they’ll have separate sleeping quarters, course, but that way he can be the father of her baby. Harlow doesn’t have a problem with this but doesn’t want to settle down just yet before she finds the other Elves and figures out what being an Elf entails. Jafar agrees and asks if it’s fine if he comes along with her. Harlow says okay, so Jafar goes to get them rooms for the night. Harlow watches.

With his newly found personality, he might actually turn out to be, dare I say it, almost charming (loc. 2765).

Drinks: just finish the bottle.

Comment [33]

Zosime.

If you don’t remember her (I didn’t) she was a friend of Lady Rowan’s. She and Thea are at the pad of someone named Pallas. They’re all pleased to see each other and they all know why they’ve gathered there, which is nice. I don’t know why they are there. I have no idea why these characters exist.

That’s usually a bad sign.

They talk. We learn things:

• They should see Xanthippe
• The book has been awoken
• There needs to have been an heir
• There’s confusion about a bloodline?

Pallas explains she recently met a nice young chap and a pregnant girl named Harlow Grimm, which makes Thea spit out her tea. We learn that “Pallas” is also Master Smith from previously in the book. That might explain why I can’t keep track of anyone because they all keep changing names.

Pro tip: if you’re thinking about randomly changing the names of your characters throughout the story, don’t. If you think it’s really clever, still don’t. And if you absolutely HAVE to, you should make it abundantly clear to the reader exactly who the character is.

They talk some more about the eye color of random characters and then the scene ends. So that chapter was pointless. I didn’t learn anything, I didn’t gain a deeper understanding of the story.

Jafar.

“Good morning, beautiful.” The words slipped of my tongue like turpentine, earning me a glare of uncertain hate before breakfast (loc. 2852).

A) When do words slip off a tongue like turpentine? Does the author have experience drinking turpentine? 2) Why is the glare of hate uncertain? He raped Harlow, there’s nothing to be uncertain about.

They eat breakfast and Jafar pulls out a map. He suspects Elves live in the West because nobody else lives there, which doesn’t really make sense, but okay. They talk and it’s not really clear but they decide to head west. Harlow has a good question:

“Will you be able enough to protect the baby and I from all predators we may face, human or demon?”

“I would sacrifice myself a hundred times if only to save you but once.” (loc. 2865)

Sacrificing yourself doesn’t mean a whole lot if he can’t actually protect you. We have no evidence of Jafar being even remotely competent with any sort of weapon. Why would she trust him to be able to defend her while out in the wild? We already know there are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of this world.

Roswell.

He staggers along painfully and arrives at a cliff. It’s too wide to jump, unless he transforms. He tries to transform but he can’t. A disembodied voice yells at him and says obviously he can’t transform, since it’s a test of his mind and moral fiber. Apparently he’s being expected to moral fiber his way over a seventy-foot chasm.

The voice asks him if he wants to send a message to Harlow. Roswell is excited and launches into a paragraph full of gushing superlatives until the voice interrupts and tell him he has a three-word limit due to “inter-dimensional communications”. Okay, that’s legitimately funny. Roswell says “I will return”. The voice then explains that he has three more tasks and he has to pass two of them. A bridge of steel then appears over the chasm. O….kay. And how was that a test of his mind? Being able to come up with a three-word message for Harlow?

The All-Knowing.

Xanthippe is having bad dreams in his cave. He has an original copy of The Bible. An original copy? So…a King James? The Douay-Rheims translation? The one written by Jesus?

Xanthippe begins singing an Elvin ballad. If I read it out loud it sounds kinda like a cat ran across a keyboard. Observe (translations in parenthesis):

“Kobe defett, amm noten libere, (My ??? do not fret)
Sev tos uka, (I am here)
Tamme nec rekee. (You can bet)
Ne nec eaana macc fel teeda be fel cludee? (Are can listening to the beauty in the sky?)
Ne nec hetaana fel malodaa be fel fless? (Are can watching the ??? in the wind?)
Fel fuess nec lash a hoosh yammach velcera, (The gales can come and sweep us away)
Mame notter lashera, (But no matter)
Ho apet eral vuuce ne Hacet, teeb defett sev duelash puuttno. (So long as we are together, with ??? I become fatter)
Sev defett herkee herferlp. (I ??? thee ???)
Sev defett harkee yectt. (I ??? thee firm)
Sev defett harkee bebendde. (I ??? thee inflexible)
Sev defett harkee put. (I ??? thee fluid)
Sev defett harkee be fel vurel. (I ??? thee in the dark)
Sev defett harkee be fel veluminate. (I ??? thee in the light)
Hoo blub. (Under water)
Whoosh fel illes. (Over the mountain[s])
Notter lashera veew golle, (No matter our place)
So apet eral ere shuo tamme a sev.” (Ho [sic] long as there is you and I) (loc. 2976)

Note that in the text it’s just cat ran over keyboard. In the back of the book there’s an English-Elvish dictionary and an Elvish-English dictionary, which I used to translate it, which wasn’t hard, since Elvish doesn’t have its own sentence structure and grammatical rules, it’s literally just a word-for-word substitution with English because that is how languages work.

Originally when I was translating it I was growing frustrated because there was no translation for the word “defett” (hence the ???) so I decided to just assume it meant “fuck” which turned it from being a rather boring ballad to a hilariously obscene ballad. Afterwards, though, I did a search of my e-book and discovered that “defett” actually means “love”, which I couldn’t find because it was hidden in the L section of the Elvish-English dictionary. Odd. You’d think that for the Elvish-English section it would be under D for defett or that it would be under the L section in the English-Elvish section but that’s a no on both counts.

Also,

“Hoo blub.” (loc. 2976).

Awesome.

Darian.

He’s still tripping balls and we don’t learn anything. He might be trying to take a book. Or he might be tripping balls.

Roswell.

He wanders along until he finds a couple of doors and a frog. The frog explains that one door leads to the next trial and one leads to a horrible death. Roswell can ask only one question, but the frog always lies.

Roswell picks up the frog.

“Hey, only my girlfriend can touch me there,” he croaked (loc. 3035).

Great. Now I’m thinking of frog sex. Goddamnit, Breeanna.

Roswell opens the left door and throws the frog inside. A moment later there’s a loud explosion. Roswell decides to choose the other door. He goes inside and a pillar falls on his head. Then a voice says come to his chamber for his final task.

These tasks do not seem particularly hard. Couldn’t we at least have gotten something like this:

Harlow.

Harlow is now very pregnant, hair an inch or so longer, helping Jafar set up their camp. Suddenly she sees a letter that it’s appeared out of nowhere, the ink still fresh, addressed to her. She asks Jafar, who has no idea where it came from. Inside there are three words: “I will return.” She doesn’t know what it means but starts crying anyway, which makes sense because she’s pregnant. She then lies to Jafar and says it’s nothing, she must have picked it up in town. Jafar is upset because he can see right through her flimsy attempt at retconning fifteen seconds ago, and says that they’ve reached the stage where they could be truthful with each other. Which is fair, it’s not like one of them raped the other one.

Anyway, Harlow cries, and Jafar hugs and rocks her. Hooray!

Xanthippe.

He’s upset. He walks up the stairs from his cave and steps past the demolished boulder and stars at the first light that he’s seen in five thousand years. You might think that his eyes might take at least a few minutes to adjust but you’d be wrong. He spreads his angel wings and starts flying while searching for other angels. Eventually he finds Thea and Pallas, who explain that the book has been stolen. There are a few typos, and they head off to do something.

Harlow.

Jafar is hovering.

“Good morning, Harlow. How are you today? Are you well? Would you like something to eat or drink? You look cold. Would you care for my overcoat? How about I—” (loc. 3128).

It’s weird how radical this transformation has been, isn’t it? Without any inciting incident or any emotional breakthrough.

Harlow is hungry, so she grabs her bow. There’s a few missing words which makes for an incredibly confusing sentence, so that’s another few drinks. Then this:

My eyes flashed open in a split second I pulled an arrow while nearly simultaneously stinging it, pulling it back, and letting it fly from my fingertips (loc. 3139).

I have no idea what the fuck that means.

A turkey falls off a tree. Jafar goes to pull the arrow out of it and screams “Bitch!” because he’s blaming Harlow for some reason, and even though he’s repentant and Loves her now, he still calls her a bitch when he’s angry. Turns out the arrow severely burned his hand. Harlow grabs the arrow, because that’s a smart thing to do, but it’s cold to her touch. Okay, so Harlow has the ability to accidentally magically heat up arrows in flight even though there is really no benefit to doing this whatsoever, but they will only burn other people who touch them, not her?

Why?

They eat turkey and all is good. Suddenly four figures appear from the darkness. Jafar grabs a Katana and stands in front of her.

That’s . . . so heroic, I thought (loc. 3160).

He’s still a rapist.

Jafar threatens the strangers:

“Don’t come any closer. I am highly lethal.” (loc. 3165)

HAHAHAHHAHAHAH.

One of the strangers explains that they need Harlow’s help. She is the only who can defeat Avery-Oliver, whoever the fuck that is, before he destroys the world.

Harlow asks what happens if she refuses. Um…they kind of just said. HE DESTROYS THE FUCKING WORLD. You really shouldn’t be thinking about whether or not you’re going to refuse, you should be trying to determine whether you can trust their judgment on whether the world will really be destroyed. Priorities, people.

The man explains that a creature was released from his prison under the earth, who I take it is Xanthippe. Xanthippe, supposedly, will grant a wish to the blood of whoever freed him. Avery Oliver was the one who freed him, and Harlow is his descendant. Therefore, Harlow needs to wish the Fel Nerr Zu San Vech book of spells out of existence.

Wow. This is…amazing. We’re finally starting to figure out who the fuck all these characters are and what their endless prattlings were about. Sure, it doesn’t make sense. After all, if Avery Oliver is still alive (as he must be, since he is going to destroy the world) wouldn’t Xanthippe give the wish to him, rather than his descendant?

We also learn that the guy talking is married to a woman named Ever Pine, an elf, who is Harlow’s ancestor. Ever Pine is a queen, which means Harlow…is of noble blood.

Well. Of course. Normal people can’t accomplish jack shit. It all depends on who your parents were, that’s what makes you special.

Anyway, Harlow wants a wish. They agree. Harlow says she wants them to take her to the Elves. They agree. One of the strangers reveals herself as Master Smith, who asks about Roswell. Harlow explains that he’s dead, and a Dramatic Single Tear slips down her cheek.

Drinks: 35

Comment [42]

We get a picture:

Xanthippe

He has everyone shake hands which is very polite and then turns to Harlow – wait, Harlow? Just last chapter the strangers were talking about a far-off stranger, who I assumed was Xanthippe, and now, suddenly, abruptly, without any transition, or even a throwaway line like “It had taken a month for them to find Xanthippe” or “The next morning Xanthippe had arrived at the camp” or, fuck it, “Xanthippe glanced over at the girl he had just met, named Harlow.”

Breeanna, there’s this thing in films and TV that you’ve seen a lot, and it’s called an establishing shot. Like, you see the outside of the White House in a big beautiful shot and then a moment later when you cut to two guys in suits walking down a corridor, the audience knows, okay, they must be inside the White House. You need roughly the equivalent when you’re writing a book. When you switch to a new scene, especially when it represents a change from the past, you need to give the audience information. Ideally, as they read a scene, they should be able to visualize it in their mind’s eye. This doesn’t take an infodump or a paragraph of description and you don’t need to describe it in a huge amount of detail, but for God’s sakes, give us SOMETHING. All me to give you an example from a book you may have read, and if you haven’t, you should: The Princess Bride.

The Great Square of Florin City was filled as never before (page 87).

11 words. We know precisely where we are, we know the place is packed with people, and we know something special or exciting must be going on. Very simple, not a lot of fluff. But if you omit it, people don’t know what the fuck is going on in your story.

Or, take an example from the start of Chapter Three:

Four of them met in the great council room of the castle. Prince Humperdinck, his confidant, Count Rugen, his father, aging King Lotharon, and Queen Bella, his evil stepmother (page 71).

This takes almost no time at all in the book, but it perfectly sets the scene. First, we know where we are, and we have an inkling of what is going on (since they’re meeting in the council room). Second, we establish the relationship between the characters: we know Humperdinck trusts Rugen, we know his father is getting old, and we have an idea of how these characters relate to each other which is very important information for the scene.

I could go on talking about what an amazing writer William Goldman is but I think you get the point: virtually all good books have these things. Books, generally speaking, are meant to be understood. Unless you’re trying to be deliberately obtuse, in which case you’re a terrible writer and communicator and possibly not a very nice person, you should be writing with a simple, straightforward style and the exact goal that your readers CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON.

And if you don’t know how to do this, you should read more, and you should pay attention to how good writers accomplish these sorts of things.

Xanthippe walks Harlow through the summoning of the Great Gift Guru – which is a stupid name – and they teleport or something to the center of the earth.

The heat was almost unbearable and simultaneously not (loc. 3238).

Technically speaking, they’d be dead.

A voice asks whether Harlow is worthy. Harlow explains that she isn’t worthy, and isn’t a perfect good-doer, and has no importance, which is relishing, although Harlow really hasn’t struggled with ego problems through this book. Anyway, the voice is pleased with this response and says that by accepting her unworthiness she has displayed her humble nature and may take her wish.

Roswell

Roswell thinks he’s close to the end but it turns out he’s not.

Harlow

She hears voices asking her what she desires and says that she cannot lie to them, since they already know her heart’s desire. Harlow thinks about wishing the book out of existence, her heart races, and she wishes aloud that Roswell was alive and here with her again. The voices say they know. And Roswell materializes.

I was hugging him as I took his face in my hands and he stroked my own. I wanted so to kiss him, knowing how inappropriate that would be. Then before I knew what was occurring, he pulled my face to his. Our lips met with an electric shock of passion. Such desire felt nearly sinful. He drew away to cast me a look of sheer obsession (loc. 3289).

It’s so romantic.

Zosime is not particularly pleased, because, well:

“Harlow’s wish was supposed to be to rid the world of an astronomically perilous volume of horrors, however instead, her wish was you.” (loc. 3299)

Trust Harlow to fuck things up.

Roswell is furious and asks her why she couldn’t have waited five more “minuets” which I think is supposed to read minutes, since, after all, he was about to get back. And he even sent her a message! Although to be fair, instead of saying “I will return” he could have said “Will Return – Roswell” which would have been a bit easier to interpret.

Things continue to happen without rhyme or reason:

“Be easy Zosie,” Master Smith advised. “Even if she had wished for Fel Nerr Zu San Vech to no longer exist, it wouldn’t have been granted. It would have happened all the same.”

“Actually,” I interjected, “if I had lied, no wish would have been granted.”

“Well, I hope you’re happy you moron! Now, the entire world is going to come crashing inward because you couldn’t live without your precious boy toy!”

“I’m sorry!” I bawled. I could not stand one moment more of such torment. (loc. 3306)

Okay. Let’s take this logically:

First, if they knew the wish wouldn’t be granted, why did they try to accomplish it? Either you know it will work, you know it won’t work, or you’re not certain, and why wouldn’t you fucking coach Harlow towards how to handle it?

Second, as Harlow points out if she had lied the wish wouldn’t have been granted, so why does she start crying randomly? Unless she’s an emotional basket case due to having a bun in the oven in which case okay.

Third, considering Smith pointed out the plan was fucked from the start and Harlow has just confirmed it, why is the unnamed third party blowing up at Harlow when we have JUST FUCKING ESTABLISHED THAT IT WAS ALL FOR NAUGHT?

Are these characters even in the same room? Are they listening to each other? They are aware that conversation has an order, that statements people make are generally influenced by the new information that was just presented?

Anyway, they all get thrown back to the surface.

Jafar

The prince isn’t particularly pleased to see Roswell holding an unconscious Harlow. He thinks that Roswell has a terrible voice and smells bad. He doesn’t wonder where Roswell came from, which brings up another problem within this novel. When each little POV section isn’t completely ignoring relevant information, it’s not structuring the sections to match the information that characters are aware of. For example, in this section you’d expect Jafar to be relieved that they have returned, to wonder what happened while they were gone, to wonder who this Roswell chap is and where he came from, but none of those things happen.

Roswell and Jafar argue. Thea asks them both to just get along.

“I refuse to get along with this . . . this animal.”

“Hey! What’s wrong with being and animal, Goldilocks?” he spat (loc. 3328).

First, I love the nickname of Goldilocks. It’s anachronistic but I don’t even remotely care. But more importantly, why is Jafar referring to Roswell as an animal? Breeanna doesn’t actually tell us what form Roswell has assumed, but considering Harlow and Roswell just shared a passionate kiss I would imagine he’s in his human form. If not, that conjures up some rather interesting images of girl-on-wolf action, and I’ve already had to think about frog sex.

Harlow wakes up. Xanthippe asks her who the father is. Jafar announces that it’s him, which makes Roswell tense up a bit.

Xanthippe asks her some questions and determines that Harlow’s mom was an Elf but her father was not, which makes Harlow half Elf, which means…

“Then your children are that of an age old Elvin prophecy.” (loc. 3358)

Oh, god –

“Not many Elves were keen on marrying out of their race. But if a female did so with a human and had a daughter who bore the children of a human, the children would be all powerful!” (loc. 3361)

-fucking dammit.

The only thing worse that prophecies are all-powerful children. Yes. Children, not child. Turns out Harlow is about to pop out twins. Literally.

“Gah!” Harlow wailed, clasping her swollen belly (loc. 3367).

Good thing she now has two men around to look after her. Have I ever mentioned how much I enjoy love triangles between a half-elf heroine, her rugged werewolf lover, and her rapist prince?

Drinks: 26

Comment [20]

Harlow:

She’s giving birth and is in considerable pain. Her werewolf lover is on one side holding her hand, and her rapist/baby daddy is on her other side, also holding her hand, which is a little odd when you think about it.

She pushes and out pops a beautiful baby boy. Okay, I have personally witnessed births and I can confirm that babies are not beautiful when they come out. They’re water-crinkled, off-color, and covered in what looks like mucus and sriracha sauce.

However, the pain does not lapse. Xanthippe explains that this is part of the prophecy: she’s going to have twins, a boy and a girl. After a bit, the girl pops out. Harlow is concerned because they aren’t crying. Master Smith reassures her that it’s because they have a “high level of inelegance, even at birth”, which is standard for prodigal children.

“What shall you name them, Harlow?” Roswell supported me by holding my shoulder. Jafar shot him a resentful look.

“Yes, Harlow. What shall you name our children?” Uncomfortable tension built in the air (loc. 3404)

Okay. I feel a little bit like I am beating a dead horse here, but HE’S A MOTHERFUCKING RAPIST.

Harlow names the girl Aurora Dawn and the boy Judah Ryne. O…kay. They’re decent names – well, the girl’s name is decent and the boy’s name is atrocious – but this doesn’t really mean much to us, considering that we have no idea why Harlow chose those names or if they have any special significance. And if you’re going to have a Naming Scene, you might as well provide some reason, even if the reason is only “they sound pretty”.

Roswell:

After Harlow and the twins fall asleep, Roswell heads outside the tent with everyone else. He begins talking to someone but because of the general lack of dialogue tags we have no idea who s/he is.

The person explains that their team, including Xanthippe, Zosime, Pallas, her/himself, and others, all are part of a group called The Angels of Sin, which sounds like the title of a pornographic film. They’re all very talented beings with many gifts, and they’ve been around for thousands of years to serve as peacekeepers. And we get…much backstory:

“My son, Avery-Oliver, grew very evil and power hungry. He wished to be among the gods. He fancied a girl who was otherwise infatuated with Von Lon Bach and blindly believed he could become the strongest and greatest man in all the world, and Alyssia would then fall for him. He created a book, Fel Nerr Zu San Vech or The Book of Incomprehensible Pain, which contained such vile and powerful evils, that one could not be near it with out being sickened or killed. After he had wasted nearly six Zapatos of his life devoted to his lust, he went to Alyssia’s home, where she lived with Von and their three children. And when she refused his heart, the last thread was cut. He killed her family, and when my wife, his mother, Ever Pine, tried to calm him, she was also slaughtered. He used a spell of his own device to summon the Hell Gates, unleashing the most heinous of demons. Ultimately, he was killed, but the spell lingered, leaving the world with no chance. After nearly two thirds of all men, women, and children had been killed, we discovered the way to stop it, what needed to be done. Lyssandra, an Angel with the ability to create impenetrable barriers, sealed the book and all its powers inside” (loc. 3442).

If he wants to become the strongest and greatest man in order to win the love of a girl, why is he creating a book called The Book of Incomprehensible Pain? Wouldn’t it make a bit more sense to create that AFTER she rejects him and his life is in shambles? Also, why do these villainous characters summon heinous demons that will kill him? Why do the villains always have to be holding the Idiot Ball?

Anyway, Avery Oliver’s (now suspiciously without the hyphen) soul is tied up within the book, much like the One Ring. Unlike the One Ring, they used his blood to awaken him, much like a horcrux. And then:

“We found Harlow because she is of my descent, but she is a woman.” (loc. 3459)

So?

“Does she have a brother? For only a male descendant can access the books powers.” (loc. 3465)

Gotcha. Sexism. Makes sense.

They chat about powers. Thea can control things from nature, so she’s Mother Nature. Zosime is capable of weather control like Storm…wait, wouldn’t that be the exact same thing as controlling things of nature except much less powerful?

Harlow asks Xanthippe if he has powers. He asks her what book she is interested in and conjures it out of thin air, then explains that he cannot summon Fel Nerr Zu San Vech because it’s impervious to magic, which seems reasonable.

Xanthippe continues his story. Eventually Avery-Oliver returns. He has the book “over his back”. Wait. Is this an extremely large book? Why does it need to be carried over his back? At any rate, this begins the First Demon War which lasts for seven years. They manage to corner Avery-Oliver, so as a last resort he opens the Gates of Hell, believing that he would be able to control everything inside. He isn’t and he’s “overrun”, whatever that means.

Okay. Let me see if I have this straight in my head. Avery Oliver is evil and powerful, even though his name does not inspire fear so much as remind me of a mild-mannered accountant. He creates an evil book, kills a lot of people, summons the Hell Gates, unleashes a bunch of demons, and is temporary killed. Eventually he comes back, and OPENS the Gates of Hell (different gates? Same gates? Who can tell?), releasing demons, except this time he can’t control them for reasons that aren’t clear and is promptly killed for a second time.

He really has a one-track mind. More importantly, how did he unleash a bunch of demons the first time and was more or less fine and the second time it killed him? Or did they kill him the first time, in which case why the fuck would he be stupid enough to open them a second time?

Anyway, Gates of Hell are open and demons are pouring out:

“We knew that we must close it before a truly devastating creature was unleashed.” (loc. 3518)

And they immediately change the subject without discussing whether or how the gates were shut.

Xanthippe pulled from the pocket of his flowing cloak, a strange, slender, and silver device (loc. 3539).

It’s a cell phone. He places a call and chats with Media and explains it’s 5066 NM. I’m not sure what that means but it seems like an awfully short code to tell someone how to travel through time to precisely the correct moment and place in the universe. A vortex forms in the sky and a young man and a young woman come out, the woman doing a front-flip.

Her hair was jet-black with streaks of fluorescent pinks and fuchsias that matched her exquisite eyes, illuminated by face paints (loc. 3551).

There’s more description, but basically they’re both dressed like modern teenagers trying to be unique snowflakes by conforming to shitty fashion trends. We learn the guy is Hippolyte and the girl is Media. Xanthippe asks them how 2011 was. They talk weird.

“We, Hyppolyte and I, were added 76ers game. Seventy six couples got married. Shaque Through rice and missed them all,” (loc. 3569)

Why is it “added” instead of “at a”? Is Breeanna trying to write this phonetically to tell us how they sound, and if that is the case, why does it say Through instead of threw since these two words are identically pronounced and why is it unnecessarily capitalized and why does it say Shaque when his nickname is Shaq and why is Hippolyte misspelled?

“Cute babies, Thea. I see you haven’t lost the postpartum weight yet though,” Media scoffed (loc. 3571).

Probably a snap judgment, but I have the feeling that she might be a bitch.

Thea explains the babies aren’t hers.

“Well, my bad,” Media elongated the word my, making point that heavy sarcasm was afoot. “Could’a fooled me, the way you whore around.” (loc. 3574)

Yep. Bitch.

Xanthippe calms everyone down, explains that Avery-Oliver has the book and they have to stop him.

Drinks: 35

Comment [43]

Harlow:

Harlow looks around at the gathered people. Someone comments that Harlow looks just like someone named Ever. Xanthippe says the resemblance is “truly astonishing”, so I’ll file that one under obvious foreshadowing.

One of the new arrivals is a girl about six with a completely blank, apathetic face. Her name is Eos, and tells Harlow “Your dreams are full of sadness, yearning, and conflict. It is most unadvisable to hold the hearts of so many men.” (loc. 3611) I have to agree. Please get rid of Jafar ASAP.

Xanthippe explains that his team are the Apogees, which translates into Angels of Sin. They all have unique gifts, kind’ve like the X-men.

“We are all sealed by an immortal elixir of everlasting life that has given us Angel’s blood. Not everyone needs it but we all have wings; angel wings. But we are no heroes. We are killers and we have failed at our greatest task. We are again faced by this task due to specific circumstances. And your children will play a large role in this I believe. The prophecy notes that is will be a task otherwise undefeatable.” (loc. 3621)

More information that is relevant to the plotline! It’s like Christmas. If I was Harlow, I would ask where they got this elixir; not because I wanted it myself, but it’s the type of question that would logically arise. I’d also ask them why they bother trying to support and save the world, especially since they’re not heroes. Is it moral obligation? Divine command? Adherence to an ancient prophecy? I’d like to understand or at least grasp some basic motivations here.

Harlow points out her kids are just babies, but Xanthippe dismisses this as a technicality. Maybe they’re going to age super-fast kind’ve like Edward and Bella Cullen’s demon-spawn Renesmee.

Another woman introduces herself as Media. There’s a really nice moment:

She chewed continuously on something, then with it, created a grayish-purple bubble that popped and then returned inside her mouth (loc. 3629).

This is a something I would like to see a lot more of in this novel. We’re in Harlow’s POV, she would not have any idea what bubble gum is, and naturally this seems odd. Breeanna, as you’re going through your rewrite work, DO MORE OF THIS. Put yourself in the character’s shoes: what do they know about what is going on? How do they perceive the people around them? When events happen, what questions will they ask? What will confuse them, what will their reactions be? This is essential for decent characterization and realism, and it also does a pretty damn good job at logically adding exposition to the story. If Harlow would just ask Xanthippe “Explain to me exactly why the fuck you’re here?” I think myself and many other people would be a lot less confused about this plotline.

I’ve stressed this point throughout the sporking, so I’ll throw in this caveat: I don’t think that a book has to spoon-feed its audience everything. You don’t have to spell everything out and not have any mystery or confusion or suspense through your novel. But you do have to keep character motivations realistic and you have to keep your audience in mind. Unless they’re reading House of Leaves, they want to know what is happening.

Hippolyte introduces himself and explains that he has water based powers: he can turn water into acid which will burn through anything. This sounds a bit more like he has acid-based powers, but maybe that’s just me.

Another sickly-looking boy introduces himself as Ianthe who is also, ostensibly, inspired from Greek mythology. His speech uses the letter Z instead of W so I presume he a French accent? Harlow wonders why he’s so sickly and it’s because of the Holocaust.

“You’ve relived the Holocaust for seven thousand years. The same bloody six years.” (loc. 3653)

I don’t know why someone would choose to relive the Holocaust more than a thousand times, but I do know that I’d like a better answer than “helping my family”. Also, I’m not sure where the six years calculation comes from, unless it’s intended to be inaccurate. The war ended in 1945. The Nazis started putting people into camps as early as 1933, and the Final Solution was conceived in 1941. Either way, I don’t get six years.

Anyway, he has good eyesight.

We re-meet Kore and Kora who are ninjas and can manipulate someone’s instincts and will. And a black kid named Timo who can reshape his body. And a guy with fluffy clothes named Enyo The Conqueror. Media thinks this is funny and pulls out a small “objet” by which I think the text means “object”.

I couldn’t be a—rifle. A very small rifle, perhaps (loc. 3684).

It’s exceedingly unlikely that Harlow would know what a rifle is and not a pistol. And yes, that’s a typo with I instead of It.

Media pulls the trigger. The noise wakes up the twins and both start crying. Enyo shatters like glass but reforms himself a few moments later. Enyo is not happy about being shot. Media is not apologetic:

“Oh it’s not like I hurt you! Not with a power like yours.”

“You hurt my feelings,” he shouted (loc. 3698).

The fact that you haven’t hurt someone doesn’t give you license to shoot them, and really, Enyo? Your feelings were hurt?

A new man walks up. He’s hot:

He was smooth, precise, and quite handsome (loc. 3701).

His name is Lanio and he specializes in ropin’ and ridin’ and apparently he can trip or tie anyone just by thinking about it. A stereotypical cowboy, except less sweaty and more handsome.

He lifted his finger and both Enyo and Media went flying to the ground (loc. 3709).

Technically, that’s the power to knock people around, as you can only trip someone if they’re already moving.

The last Angel of Sin is an Elf named Sapphira, who knows Harlow’s mom. She also has magical powers, just like Harlow. Wait. Harlow has powers?

“Magic. You can do almost anything, Harlow,” she spoke sweetly (loc. 3727).

Great. So much for any suspense for the rest of the novel.

Xanthippe wraps up the introductions. Avery-Oliver is going to be returning to Yelle Yaxel, wherever the fuck that is, and they need to advance on him. Everyone holds hands and Xanthippe plays with his ring and there’s wind, and a mahogany door appears. They go inside and it’s very pretty.

Inside, the scenery was so beautiful that my eyes watered. The sun was very bright, and the flowers were beautiful (loc. 3750).

This is the extent of the description. If it is truly so beautiful it makes the eyes water you may want to up the description a bit.

Xanthippe says they must wait for the attack. But a voice that sounds awfully like Darian’s fucked-up speech patterns says they’re already there!

Roswell:

Yep, it’s Darian, who smells a bit like a rotting corpse. Harlow hands Roswell the twins and heads towards Darian who’s babbling like a meth addict. Harlow orders Darian to hand over the book on his back, which is the EVIL Fel Nerr Zu San Vech. Instead, Darian pushes her and she goes flying into Jafar but she’s okay.

Xanthippe tells Harlow to run to the “alter” (sic) and tell the priest “Perishnech”. Exactly like that. Yes, apparently there’s a priest and an altar around here. Seriously, if there are things there that your characters will make use of, please point them out in the narration BEFORE the characters start using them. If a character walks into a room and you mention there’s a table with a sandwich on it, we don’t think anything of it when the character starts eating the sandwich, but if you just randomly mention the character eating the sandwich your reader is going to wonder where the fuck a teleporting sandwich came from.

Harlow and Roswell pass by some buildings that look like cathedrals because those are there as well and there are more typos and eventually they get to a priest and Harlow recites the word. I don’t know what Darian is up to right now because the text doesn’t tell us. You’d think that if he was free he would be chasing after his “pretty baby Harly” since he apparently has super-strength and all that but the text just conveniently forgets he exists in this scene. Did the Angels of Sin tackle him? Is he chasing after them? Has he paused to conduct some much-needed exfoliation? We have no idea.

Anyway, the priest puts the babies on the altar and babbles some inane shit and light glows and the babies magically transform into four-year-olds. One of them looks like Harlow and one looks like Jafar. Harlow is horrified, but Aurora explains:

“It’s okay. We learned fast, without really having to learn. It has been inside us since before we were us, but only the spirits to be.” (loc. 3803)

Learning without needing to learn. Like a deus ex machina. Gotcha.

The twins explain that they don’t have to fight much, they just have to tell her how to do it. So they take Harlow’s hands and her face goes blank as apparently the twins telepathically transmit knowledge by the power of touch. Which honestly, I’m willing to accept.

Drinks: 41

Comment [14]

Aurora Dawn:

Aurora wishes she could look forward to growing and living slowly like everyone else, but she knows that can never happen, for reasons that are unclear. Harlow tells the twins to stay with their father and Uncle Roswell, and wanders off. The twins think they’re going to be bored, but apparently they couldn’t have been more wrong. Great. This was a helpful chapter.

Media:

Darian is circling, laughing like a “Hannibal Lecter wannabe”. Which is odd, because I don’t recall Lecter spending a lot of time laughing.

“What’s your deal, creep?” I pulled out my Glock from my right holster and my Dessert Eagle from the left (loc. 3834).

I realize Microsoft Word doesn’t put a squiggly line beneath it because they’re the same words, but that is why proofreading is so important. It’s the difference between a reader visualizing a badass gun leveled at Darian’s face and Darian being offered a delicious pastry stuffed with eagle meat.

Darian pulls the book off his back.

I shot Glock without thinking (loc. 3842).

THE Glock. Glock is not an autonomous agent. It is presenting previous information about this character’s woefully inaccurate yet surprisingly delicious final courses.

He yelled aloud. “Draco fllsh!” (loc. 3842)

A Slytherin was flushing the toilet?…oh wait, let’s check the dictionary in the back. Okay, it actually means “Black blood.” I still don’t know what that means.

Harlow:

The days are blending together, and they’re all black, which makes me wonder how you know they are days. Harlow is wearing “strange things”:

Pants. That was one weird concept (loc. 3847).

Really? You’d think she would just wonder why she was asked to wear them, as a woman. Or, if pants are unknown in these parts, what are the men wearing?

They were nice, but I didn’t wear the face mask all the time like the twins did when they fought (loc. 3448).

Wait. The twins are fighting now? They’re four years old! Or the equivalent of.

Harlow thinks about how they can’t win because the demons just “keep coming”.

The medical Elf told me that it was the end of the first Cycle in Xanthippe (loc. 3856).

I don’t know what that means.

Harlow really wants to find Darian. So she “leaves” whatever reality she was in and meets up with the twins and Jafar. They were afraid she would get hurt and hug her in relief. Jafar explains that it’s been “Epochs” [days] since they saw here, which reminds me of how fucking annoying this calendar system is. Jafar says a medic will be over soon, which makes Harlow curious.

“It was a Goblin. He hit you with a cast iron pan. Your nose is broken . . . badly.” (loc. 3872)

How does he know what Harlow was doing in an alternate universe? More importantly, wouldn’t Harlow noticing if a goblin broke her nose with a cast iron pan? That’s a really difficult thing to miss. It’s right in your face, so to speak.

Harlow puts on a mask. There are typos. She walks outside. Kore runs up with a message from Xanthippe.

He handed me a sheet of paper. We couldn’t talk though. It was too dangerous. All those around me were locked into their own affairs, but there was no saying that one might not lash out and kill either of us at any second. I read the letter with haste (loc. 3885).

Why can’t they talk? Why is it too dangerous? Why are all around them locked into their own affairs and how could they kill them and how does Harlow know this? Is it really too much to ask that you explain how characters randomly know things?

Luman Venir, the moon mostly unseen by the naked eye, which had apparently turned red when the Avery-Oliver possessed Darian, was the hidden gate. Maybe it did help, but I had a message from the Fates too. They told me what to do and that gate was not relevant. My own babies, I hardly knew them. I had spent these last three cycles of their lives out here in war except only that little bit when I had been knocked out. There was so much chaos around me that no one even noticed me. So I ran through them all, slashing and killing every demon I passed by. They screeched or howled or moaned. Whatever sound, it was sweet and I felt crazed with their death. Then it occurred to me. This is what I was meant for (loc. 3894).

Okay, I think I’m starting to put this together. Apparently the war started, even though the book didn’t actually say the war started, or how it’s going, or really provide any information about the war. You’d think the narration would say something like “They had been fighting without rest for the past three days” or maybe Harlow would think to herself “Fighting for three days is really exhausting” or something like that so the reader knows what’s going on, but no, instead we get Harlow thinking about how strange the concept of FUCKING PANTS are.

For that matter, I’d really like to know how the war is going, who is winning, stuff like that, but that’s all happening off-screen so we can learn more about the fundamental nature of a pair of trousers.

Also Harlow is still a fucking badass with an edged weapon and is murdering demons left and right because reasons.

Jafar:

It was nearly halfway though Xanthippe. (loc, 3903)

That’s not a typo on my part. This isn’t dialogue. Something is nearly halfway though, and Xanthippe’s name is in there as well.

Jafar is sick of sitting around while a war goes on, so over his children’s protests he grabs a sword and shield and heads outside into the “fowle” [sic] air.

Judah:

The twins discuss the fact that Jafar is going to die, and seem remarkably at ease with this knowledge. To be fair, they show signs of clairvoyance so maybe they know deep down inside he’s not a very nice person. Eventually, they decide that the answer must be the “third Fate” which may or may not be Love.

Xanthippe: (See Gooshinrye to English dictionary in the back) (loc. 3922)

Yes, part of the chapter title is telling the reader to look in the English dictionary in the back. Why it doesn’t just translate it here or throw in a fucking footnote, I don’t know. I suspect Breeanna may actively hate her readers and want them to suffer.

Anyway, the Elves are assaulting the Hell Gates. There are more typos. Xanthippe gathers some of the best young soldiers together for a motivational speech.

“Weil azzah halztl rach. Vuuce ne ammna vu.”

These fighters were tired and on the verge of giving up. “Mec shuo bu narr a tamme nowe hevel.” (loc. 3929)

Translated, it reads:

“Please everyone stay calm. We are [unknown, probably “doing”] good.”

“That is [???] all and you know it.”

I have one request. Okay, two requests. Okay, three requests.

First, if you are going to put sections in your book in made-up languages, please put the translation there on the same page.

Second, if you are going to make the reader go to the effort of manually translating it, don’t. But if you have to, please include all of the words in the dictionary in the back.

Third, please make the relevant speech worth the effort of translating.

Xanthippe continues:

“Mame tamme nar eva hallien pac. Pac ha lurre Harlow. Tammeur Runlum.” (loc. 3932)

“But you all have been chosen. Chosen to protect Harlow. Your Queen.”

The Elves get excited and charge off, presumably to be hacked to pieces by demons.

Jafar:

He runs around looking for Harlow, thinking about he was so attracted to her from the start.

But everything about her was sensual now. I just wanted to feel her lips again (loc. 3944).

So…he’s still attracted to her, since he only thinks of her in terms of her beauty.

My sword did little nothing (loc. 3945).

I swear, the typos and omitted words are getting steadily more frequent the further I go into this book. It’s like she hired someone to proofread the first half of the book, they did a poor job, and so she just opted not to proofread the second half.

Anyway, Jafar sees a guy about to cast an evil black magic spell on Harlow so he drops his weapons and throws himself between Harlow and the spell, hoping that this will redeem “only some” of what he’d done to her, which, to be fair, that’s about the first thing he has done that would partially redeem himself.

Only some, for now I was dead (loc. 3950).

I’d celebrate, but I doubt he’s going to stay dead any longer than Roswell did.

Drinks: 49

Comment [31]

The All Knowing:

We are informed Jafar’s body was lost and was never recovered. He was hit by the most “hanis” [sic] which I guess is intended to be “heinous” of all the spells of damnation.

It sends its victim into an eternal purgatory where every second lasts a hundred Zapatos and each breath is a thousand knives into every inch of the soul and being of the slaughtered (loc. 3957).

That’s dark. Yet, oddly fitting.

Harlow has been resting.

In this time she found Jafar and her children gone and she was horrified (loc. 3963).

Harlow:

When I returned, I found my children and all others gone. I was aware of all the death in the valley of battle. I turned back to that death, desperate for my children whom I barely knew (loc. 3964).

Why would you have the narrator tell us that she is horrified literally once sentence before you show us that she’s horrified?

She isn’t horrified for long, though, because Aurora comes running up, slathered in mud but otherwise remarkably unhurt for being a small child in the midst of a warzone. Harlow hugs her and looks for Judah. Eventually she spots him, standing a ways away, as the ground cracks around him. She goes running for him but the ground cracks and water sprays out, creating a river between them. Aurora assures Harlow not to worry, that he’ll be fine. Harlow accepts this, for reasons that are unclear, and then tells Aurora to run and hide. Um. That seems kind’ve irresponsible, especially since her kids have just demonstrated they’re not doing a good job at staying out of harm’s way.

Harlow runs towards “the beam of light that shone down from the crimson Luman Venir”. It’s truly astonishing how freely she can wander around in the middle of a war zone without encountering any enemies and not having to fight her way through enemy ranks and shit.

Darian:

Darian is still babbling like a psychopath trying to speak baby. Then he sees Harlow approaching and thinks about how pretty she is. She calls his name, but he thinks “Darian is dead.”

Harlow:

Harlow pleads with Darian to stop whatever he is doing, that she always trusted him, and that he was her best friend.

He smiled and I did see, for one moment, the Darian I once knew behind the hatred and evil. Then I felt his hand touch my stomach. He stroked my no longer rounded belly. With only his bare hand, he stabbed through it, penetrating it completely so that it reached out the other side (loc. 4023).

Holy shit!

Darian pulls his hand back out, probably with an ominous slurping sound, and Harlow collapses to the ground with her lungs slowly filling up with blood, which would make a lot more sense of she’d been stabbed in the chest rather than having a hole punched through her belly. But after a moment Harlow staggers to her feet, which is pretty impressive considering she has a fist-sized hole going clear through her body. She grabs Darian.

I pulled him close and held him an embrace that could be shared only by a kin of blood (loc. 4032).

Uh…

They share memories, including a vision of their mother, who explains that Harlow is Darian’s sister, and then dies. This breaks the spell, Darian begins smoking and screaming in pain as Avery-Oliver abandons his body in a dark shadow. You know, it just occurred to me, but why would someone who is possessed by the most evil creature that ever existed talk in baby-talk? Wouldn’t it make more sense to, I dunno, speak in Black Speech, or have every word coming forth from his mouth echo like the teeth of a shattered skull scraping across Death’s chalkboard? Anyway:

The shadow exploded into a source of light that destroyed the demons of the battle field. The mortally wounded became miraculously healed (loc. 4040).

That’s awfully convenient. Except that for some reason, Harlow isn’t healed, which doesn’t make sense. Instead, she dies.

Darian:

Darian is slightly upset that he was possessed by a demon and just murdered his sister. Before he can get too deep into angst Xanthippe and the other Angels come running up. Darian recognizes them even though he hasn’t met them before and would have no idea what their names are or whether he can trust them. Xanthippe explains that he needs to destroy the book ASAP because nobody else can.

“What . . . what must I do?” I asked, removing the heavy book from my back.

Well,” Xanthippe said uneasily. “We assumed that you would know.” (loc. 4057)

Great planning, genius.

Luckily, Darian thinks of something. He flips through the book until he finds a spell of destruction, and then, in a moment of high tension, it happens:

I licked my dry lips and inhaled deeply. “Equin Nerr,” I wailed, ignoring the pain in my gut. Fel Nerr Zu San Vech dropped from my hands. The demonic book sputtered and spit as its pages burned with the fire of souls and evil until not even ash remained (loc. 4063).

Nice, it only took a simple two-word spell to destroy the book of penultimate evil! It is a little odd that “equin nerr” translates to “burning book” which seems kind’ve odd to be labeled as a spell of destruction, but I’m not a magician so what do I know?

He then turns his focus back to Harlow’s corpse and we get several paragraphs of intense angst.

Thea:

“Hurry, we might be able to save her if we work fast enough!” I yelled to the lot of people around (loc. 4078).

Oh wait, they’re actually trying to save Harlow. You’d think they would have done that previously, before pausing to have a discussion about how to destroy the book, then watching Darian destroy the book, then pausing to let Darian angst over his sister’s blood-soaked corpse. You know, before oxygen deprivation turns to person into a vegetable?

They slap an oxygen mask on and get to work.

The gaping hole in her stomach wasn’t helping though (loc. 4082).

Makes sense.

We slaved. All of us. Sewing and clotting and trying everything. But in the end, she was too far gone, and even Media’s seemingly magical heart starters were ineffective.

We ended up burying her in the feild of royals that sat right behind the large castle of the Queendom (loc. 4082).

I’m not a huge fan of Breeanna’s use of segues in this book. Transitioning from attempts to restart the heart into the burial scene is a little sudden and glosses over some moments that would contain some dramatic character development.

Harlow is given a nice casket and a headstone that says R.I.P. on it and there are several annoying typos.

Somehow, I thought she might acutaly. Rest in peace. Silly me (loc. 4100).

I’ll file that one under “obvious foreshadowing”.

Darian:

“Something’s wrong Xanthippe,” I had exclaimed at the Feast of Remembrance in honor of the battles fought to protect the earth (loc. 4102).

Darian’s the king now, and it’s not good to be the king, because he still has a lot of angst in his life. Because his sister is dead. Or… is she?

“I can feel her life force. I know she’s alive.” The Angels regarded it as my refusal to believe that my sister was gone and in part I suppose it was (loc. 4104).

Okay, so you have a civilization where magic is around and is perfectly normal, and a werewolf who DIED and was RAISED FROM THE MOTHERFUCKING DEAD…you’d think that someone might give Darian’s concerns a little bit of credence.

But they don’t.

Drinks: 33

Comment [10]

Judah:

Judah and his sister communicate telepathically. Judah says he has to be away for a little while to learn who he is going to be. He reassures Aurora not to worry.

Media:

Things start getting pretty fucking weird. Media bitches about having to “work all this crap out”, which is significantly more complicated that dealing with the normal post-war ramifications. She’s helping Enyo make geographically correct maps to show the newly formed continents. Wait. Continents?

The ground had split apart when the Hell Gates collided with the earth. Can anyone say pangea? (loc. 4149)

Uh…are you referring to Pangaea? Is this story seriously supposed to be providing an explanation for why the supercontinent split up 200 million years ago?

Media talks Enyo into eventually renaming himself Ferdinand Magellan, but to wait until the 1400’s to use the name. Yeah, that’s a big help when you’re 200 million years away from that time.

Volcanoes are erupting from the oceans and the wars have shifted the tectonic plates. I assume these characters know about tectonic plates because they’re from the future and shit, but if that’s the case, then along the same lines, why haven’t they be anticipating everything that has happening? Then again, it’s probably too much to hope for an internally consistent time travel method.

A proclamation was declared that all of the events that had occurred were to be erased from histories and the use of Xanthippe’s friend Jazpare’s time system was implemented (loc. 4153).

Hopefully you don’t want to know why, because no explanation will be forthcoming. Media is sent out to spread false rumors about “Sun Gods and Water Spirits” being responsible, again, for reasons that aren’t clear. Why are these time-travelling douchebags trying to deliberately mislead humanity?

Religion began to prosper, led in part by Xanthippe who found his belief in “God” over whelming to his already slighted blood lust (loc. 4160)

I have no idea what this sentence means.

The All knowing:

Aurora asks Darian to tell her a story about her mother. Aurora’s hair is done up in a French braid which is interesting considering this is 200 million years before France exists, but we are in the POV of the All knowing, or sometimes the All Knowing.

Darian begins a story when Harlow was about twelve years old. It’s a little challenging for him to figure this out because they’re using ‘years’ to calculate time now, which makes sense. Sure, humanity started using the Gregorian calendar of ‘years’ during the 1500s, a full 200 million years later than this story is set. Then again, homo sapiens didn’t fucking exist 200 million years ago, so I probably shouldn’t be quibbling about the calendar.

Anyway, Darian shares a story about picking flowers that has no point. It makes Aurora laugh, though, and Darian puts her to bed.

Meanwhile, something strange became of Harlow who had been lain to rest now nearly a four months ago in the new time system; something strange indeed (loc. 4182).

WHY THE FUCKING FUCK ARE YOU SPOILING YOUR OWN STORY?

Harlow:

Yep, not really dead. She comes to.

My eyes slowly adjusted to room with virtually no light (loc. 4185).

No, you’re buried underground, in a coffin. Virtually has no part in this. There is no light.

Harlow freaks out a bit and feels around, to satisfy herself that she is really in a coffin.

I thought logically. I felt to the side crevices until I found the hinges (loc. 4189).

Hinges are usually on the outside.

I picked out the pins in both of the hasps with my bloody splintered fingertips (loc. 4189).

I don’t think that’s actually possible. I’ve attempted to pick a lock or two in my lifetime, and fingernails, generally speaking, are not strong enough to turn a screw in a hinge. And, if this is a pin that was hammered in, a fingernail is certainly not strong enough to pry it loose.

Eventually Harlow starts punching the coffin door. It’s not clear whether she has successfully picked the hinges or not. But through continued punching, she manages to break through and start digging through the dirt, much like the Bride escaping the coffin in Kill Bill.

She reaches the surface and spends a few minutes reflecting on the past. Finally she gets up and walks towards a castle and busts through the doors. The music and conversation stops and everyone turns around and stares and Darian flips his shit and yells her name and runs over to grab her in a hug and, remarkably, nobody freaks out because they think she’s a ghost. Aurora is happy to see her and then Roswell walks up.

Our gazes met for only a second I sat down my lovely daughter as I wrapped my arms around the one man I had ever truly desired and kissed him with such passion I thought I might explode (loc. 4211).

They give her food and catch Harlow up on recent events, and finally she goes to bed with Roswell. Instead of having sex they “cocoon”, which I assume is an ancient, pre-spoon version of spooning, while Harlow angsts about her past, and wonders why she didn’t just have Jafar’s children.

In the morning Roswell asks if he gave her something – like a small wolf carving – would she consent to marry him. Harlow “stairs” at the ring. No, Breeanna, that is not the right word. Harlow agrees to marry him, though. They decide to get married in August because there’s a lot of flowers blooming in August.

Roswell:

August was here before we knew it. I was being fitted for my tux only three days before the date. It was to be the thirteenth of the month (loc. 4254).

The modern tuxedo had its origins in the 1880s, how did it also exist 200 million years ago?

Harlow:

Walking into the hall where we were to be married, I shuttered with anticipation (loc. 4260).

At times I feel like I’m beating a dead horse with this, but seriously, what the fucking actual fuck, Breeanna? Finding proofreaders is not all that hard, and when it comes to self-publishing, they’re really fucking important. Shuttered =/= shuddered.

There are five more typos in this paragraph alone, and we get into the wedding. Nothing really happens, although for Harlow, it’s pretty fucking awesome. Afterwards, it’s even better:

He pushed me onto the bed, fierce, but genital (loc. 4276).

I’m guessing that she intended the word to be “gentle”, to which I can only say: Best. Typo. Ever.

As he did so, I ripped off his shirt and slipped off my white booties (loc. 4276).

…booties?

They hook up and it’s pretty awesome. Two weeks later, Rowan and Darian get married as well. They look amazing.

The morning after, a note was found in the room they were meant to share, telling their tale. They had slung weights over their shoulders then hand and hand walked into the oceans formed by the Second Demon War. One hundred feet under they sat chained to the sandy floor, wrapped in each other’s arms, together for all eternity (loc. 4292).

I can only assume this is plagiarized from something, because if not, it’s an idiotic suicide pact completely out of left field without any buildup or character development to suggest its occurrence.

Harlow has another son, Demetrious. Aurora doesn’t like him because he’s a dick, although Harlow doesn’t understand why until they’re both teenagers and Demetri almost shoves Aurora off a cliff. Hmmm. You’d think Harlow would notice previous attempts at siblicide, but apparently she’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer. She yells at Demetri, but he doesn’t have an excuse.

Aurora decides to become an immortal, and becomes close friends with Demetri which is great considering he tried to murder her. Then Demetri dies from a sickness that has no name. Roswell and Harlow grow old together and eventually he bites the dust. Seven years later, Harlow’s son visits her for the first and the last time.

Drinks: 55

Comment [10]

Courtesy of brilliant reader “Guest” there’s some evidence that the cover image for this book…bears an awfully strong resemblance to a drawing of Poison Ivy by John Tyler Christopher. Take a look:

It’s kind’ve a sketchy area, legally speaking, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable selling a book that had an image that was THAT close to someone else’s copyrighted work.

Judah:

Judah pokes his head in to where Harlow is lying in bed. She’s a 187 Zapatos old, meaning she’s 276 earth-years old. Wow. It took Judah 250 years to get around to visiting his mom? What a dick.

I never favored that ridiculous standard time (loc. 4323).

You and me both, Judah.

He explains that when he and Rourry satisfy the means of their destiny they’ll let themselves die. I wonder if Rourry is supposed to be a nickname, or if Judah still can’t pronounce her name properly, and what, exactly, Judah and Rourry’s destiny is supposed to be. I’m guessing she’s teasing the inevitable sequel.

Judah says goodbye and leaves, without asking what she’s been up to, or how she’s doing, or giving her a hug, or really anything.

The All Knowing:

Only one of the moons survived the war. Hmmm. You’d think a war destructive enough to wipe out two moons would also be destructive enough to wipe out every living thing on the planet. It would certainly fuck with the ecosystem. Maybe this is what killed the dinosaurs?

The Hell Gates could still be opened someday. Though Avery-Oliver, long passed, whose lingering soul has been whipped away from the face of the new earth, it is not to say that he may return again in some form (loc. 4336).

They should’ve thrown the Ring into Orodruin. Then nuked the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

We learn that everyone spread out into nomadic tribes and each of them repeated their own stories of what happened.

The most important thing was, that no one rememberd [sic] the cruel horrible world that the earth was before Harlow, and Jafar, on that one faithful day, met by chance and at first glance, changed the fate of the world (loc. 4342).

Thus ensuring that by not remembering history they were doomed to repeat it and continue doing unspeakably cruel things to each other for all of recorded humanity. Also, I love that subtle way the title was thrown in there. Remember that time when at first glance Jafar noticed an attractive peasant girl and decided to forcibly marry and rape her?

Apparently, Harlow was born in the part of the world that is now “southern Russia” which really narrows it down. And Yelle Yaxle is the reason for the Bermuda triangle for reasons that are boring and I don’t care about.

Everyone goes off and live their life more or less content, but all of them have a feeling inside:

It was a sad and morbid thought, but each one felt the same. “I Am Still Hollow.” (loc. 4353)

Then there’s a quote:

“I have found that hollow, which even I had relied on for solid.” —Henry David Thoreau (loc. 4367)

It feels remarkably out of place for the book I’ve just finished, which, by extension, makes it feel perfectly in place, because nothing about this book makes sense.

And that’s that. The end of the book, minus several pages of vocabulary which I’m not going to even touch.

I have to say, after having written over twenty-seven thousands words about this book, I still don’t really know what it’s about. If I had to summarize it, it would probably go something like this:

“There are some characters who make poor choices and aren’t very nice to each other. A bad guy sort’ve shows up and they defeat him.”

That seems accurate.

Drinks: 16

Comment [6]

I’ve owned this book for quite some time – I purchased it off Amazon almost exactly three years ago – and since then it’s been sitting around in my “I should totally spork this” pile but for one reason or another I’ve never gotten around to it. My copy is autographed (unexpected) with the inscription “There is no rift between sorcery & technology” which does not make sense to me, but maybe it will make sense after I’ve read it?

It’s written by Kenneth Che-Tew Eng, a mentally unhinged racist who achieved some notoriety for his newspaper article “Why I Hate Blacks”, speaking out favorably about the Virginia Tech massacre, and finally being arrested and sentenced to a year of mental health treatment for threatening his neighbor in New York.

All of that makes him a pretty unlikeable guy but doesn’t really factor into my wanting to spork this book, because holy shit, have you seen the cover? Have you seen the title? It’s called Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate!

Prologue

Circuits lined the preserved carcasses of countless dinosaurs. Like monuments of the past, the mechanized fossils surrounded an entire chamber of medieval architecture, still and cold and dead (page 9).

Probably worth pointing out that carcasses and fossils are not exactly the same thing.

We learn more about this room. It’s frigid. It hasn’t been touched in ages. Insert terrible joke here. But in the middle of the room there’s a floating glowing Mobius strip for reasons that I truly hope Eng will explain.

Space could be seen where the strip’s light met the stone, and every star of the cosmos twinkled like a watcher, a spectator of time (page 9).

How can we see outer space if we’re inside a stone room?

A female says that they need to get out of there. A male wonders about the sentry. They argue back and forth. Shades of thesaurus abuse, it’s been half a page and I’m getting Paolini vibes already. Using pretentious words does not make your writing better, Eng.

The two creatures of apparently different genders agree to head to the Pedorian forest, and we learn their names are Lyconel and Dradicus, although we don’t know which belongs to which. Some quick googling tells us that there are people using those handles to play League of Legends and World of Warcraft. Some part of me really hopes they are online handles for Eng himself. If, you know. He’s not in prison.

We cut forward. Trees are floating above the Everkin Forest. And the writing here…it’s impressive. I haven’t encountered this level of mastery of the English language since the Eye of Argon.

Upon the Mesozoic verdure, the sun cast its dawn light, giving life to the hovering woodland realm in the form pf photosynthetic vitality that sparkled betwixt the morning arbor (page 10).

I don’t even know what to fucking say to that.

Down below, though, a wingless dragon is hauling ass through the “placid shrubberies”, which would make a good name for a barbershop quartet. This is Lyconel. Two dragons are chasing her, tearing through everything in her path.

Rapidly, they were catching up, as quickly and menacingly as one’s own shadow (page 11).

Personally, I’ve never felt menaced by my own shadow, although to be fair, I’ve never had a problem with my shadow needing to catch up to me. We’re rather attached.

After a bit, Lyconel trips. She rolls over immediately and pulls out a spiked mace. She deflects a few blows and then takes off running again. After a bit she gets up to the top of a tree and looks toward a mountain chain with the stereotypical name of the Fangs of Astinor.

She ducks, just in time to avoid a rapier. I’m not sure how she noticed a skinny piece of metal about to hit her but not a huge fucking dragon flying towards her, but I haven’t done as much research into how sentient dragons might fight each other with swords and semi-automatic firearms as Eng has, so take my opinions with a grain of salt.

The other dragon slashes at her. Okay, maybe you should take my opinions with a slightly larger grain of salt than Eng’s. Rapiers are not slashing weapons. That is not how they are designed and not how they work. You thrust and you try and stick the pointy end in the other person.

She keeps running and they keep chasing. Things start exploding. Plasma shots are fired at her. Wait. If her pursuers have guns why haven’t they shot her ages okay instead of fooling around with mishandling rapiers? Okay, the bad guys – assuming they are bad guys – are officially idiots and will pose no threat in this book.

Suddenly she sees an entrance of a cave open up, and with minimal hesitation she dives inside and scurries underground.

The two pursuers stop outside. They don’t follow. A moment later there’s an explosion of flames made of darkness, which sounds scientifically impossible. A dragon emerges from the dark light. It’s called Drekkenoth, and it’s official: I fucking hate the names in this book.

“Is she annihilated?” inquired Drekkenoth (page 13).

Use “said”. And don’t use words like annihilated. Dragons don’t talk like that.

The wyvern, Arxinor, and his behemoth colleague, Gorgash, processed the question within their mechanical heads. Gears and circuits turned out in their brains (page 13).

Wait a second…are you telling me this book isn’t just about unexpectedly verbose dragons fighting each other with anachronistic weapons…the dragons are CYBORGS on top of all that?

They exposit to each other that the Key still exists and their next objective will be to reach the Archive sentries, identity Dennagon. I’m not sure why they’re expositing all of this since all three of them seem well aware of the facts they’re discussing, but it’s helpful.

“We must make certain that the Lexicon is demolished,” he declared. “In time, time shall be oursssss.” (page 14)

Got it. So three cyborg dragons are trying to destroy a dictionary so they can gain control of time. I’m on board.

Comment [14]

Shameless plug: If you’re interested, I’ve picked up my old Robert Stanek sporkings after a 23-month hiatus. You can check them out here.

Chapter One

What have I gotten myself into?

Time is not a concept. It is a word. And like any word, it can be manipulated according to one’s subjective state (page 15).

The dictionary defines ‘concept’ as a general notion or idea, which is pretty accurate. More importantly, you could argue that anything that we have a word to describe could be a concept. Like, you could describe gravity as a word, and then step off a skyscraper to demonstrate how you’re manipulating it according to your subjective state. Turns out to not work as well as most people think. In other words, this is meaningless, pretentious bullshit attempting to sound smarter than it actually is.

Eng rambles for a bit about quantum mechanics and relatively and perception creating reality:

One must forget everything he has learned and retain only the one thing that matters in existence if he is to attain the ultimate state of omniscience – the essence of the Lexicon (page 15)

I think what Eng is going for here is that if you change the human – well, I guess the dragon – mind enough to comprehend reality differently, to see the True Nature of what exists, then you have the ability to manipulate reality. It’s not inherently a bad plot device – it’s been done effectively before, such as with Neo understanding the Matrix is not real, or Arthur Dent throwing himself at the ground and missing – but if he wants to go for it, just fucking go for it. Spare me the wildly inaccurate ‘scientific’ technobabble.

We learn there’s a kingdom called Drakemight which is pretty awesome.

Architecture stretched to the skies in the forms of simple geometric shapes, complex and intelligently crafted, but untainted by the opposing thumbs of man (page 15).

…but presumably created by the opposing thumbs of dragons, since that really is the only way you’re going to be able to build things like skyscrapers, you know? Not to mention the image on the book cover clearly shows them having human hands with opposable thumbs which…never mind.

We meet a young dragon named Dennagon who is supposed to be on guard but is instead reading a science book. So. He’s not very responsible or good at his job. Got it.

“Interesting,” muttered Dennagon to himself, “The force of gravity is 9.8 meters per second squared on this planet, but not in space. I wonder if ‘space’ actually exists.” (page 16)

So, his book is able to tell him that gravity is different in space, and that makes him wonder if space actually exists. A perfectly natural intuitive leap.

Also, I’m reasonably certain this is wrong. I’m not a physics, science, or math major, although I have played all three on TV. But literally 10 seconds on Google tells us that 9.8/ms2 is the acceleration of gravity, not force. Force is mass x acceleration. So all this pretentious sciencebation isn’t just annoying, it’s also wildly accurate. [Note: I’m probably not going to spend much more time fact-checking Eng’s stupid science knowledge, so if I miss anything, feel free to point it out]

He keeps reading as a bunch of human (!) knights with their horses march up with a catapult. The “commanding paladin” marches up and orders Dennagon to “desist” or “be vanquished”. Yes, this is seriously how this book is written.

Dennagon asks if they can attack later because he’s reading his ‘tome’. The knights arm their lances and charge, rather than firing their catapult at him, which I feel makes a lot more sense.

Dennagon nonchalantly dropped down from his perched position to the ground. Without even taking his eyes off the book, he casually thrust his fist out, punching a hole straight through the head of one of his enemies as it charged. The decapitated body still hanging off his forearm, he merely shifted his fists to the side so that the others could run into it. Expectedly, they did so, blasting apart their own skulls against his scaly knuckles (page 17).

Okay. I’ll let you have the part where he punches his fist through a human skull. Dragon anatomy and all that. Human beings cannot run fast enough to blast apart their skulls when they encounter an immovable object. More to the point, that is not how humans behave. These are knights, they’re in the business of killing things with edged weapons. They’re not lemmings running off a cliff!

The remaining knights fire a bunch of arrows, so Dennagon pulls his sword and deflects the arrows and then a poorly choreographed fight scene ensues. Suddenly, the knights are a bit of a threat, even though a moment ago he was able to slaughter a number of them with a bare fist without even looking. They’re not much of a threat though. He carves them up. Blood sprays. Body parts go flying. They fire a catapult and he catches the boulder in midair and throws it back. Eventually one of them stabs his book and the bookmark falls out, which really pisses him off, so he breathes fire, incinerating a few of them, melting the armor of a few others, so they die in agony, and the rest run….

screaming like little girls (page 19).

That leaves only the main knight who charges. Dennagon picks up his book and hits him hard enough that the body explodes, and heads back into the city.

Polyhedrons, all simple in shape, stretched up from the ground for several miles into the sky (page 19).

Polyhedrons by definition are not simple in shape.

Eng explains there something “oddly advanced” about it, something “strangely futuristic”, and then goes on to say it’s 10 times higher than most castles of that era. Most castles, at their highest, are about 130 feet. If these skyscrapers are two miles high, that’s 81 times higher than that. You fail at math, Eng.

Dennagon flies home to his apartment which is stuffed full of science books. We learn he’s full of angst and everyone looks alike and he hates all of them. Rebellious teenage hero! He pulls out a crystal ball and asks it what’s going down. The crystal ball explains that “data is receding” [?]. He then pulls out a black marble, sticks the marble into the crystal ball which analyzes the data.

“Your daily collection of data: 8 million liters of information.” (page 21)

Uh. Liters? Maybe Eng will explain….nope.

He asks the crystal ball to read his messages as he opens up his icebox and drags out a lion carcass, which he begins casually munching on as he looks for something to read. The last message is from a breathy female who explains that it’s about the fate of mankind and existence itself will soon end and blah blah – then she mentions the Lexicon.

The words walloped Dennagon like a ton of maces (page 23).

The fuck does that even mean?

He tells the crystal ball to trace the message and it does, using mana – I swear I’m not making this shit up – eventually giving him a location 100 miles away. About the same time, there’s a call that orders him to report to his lord ASAP. Dennagon knows he can only do one or the other first, and that he’s not able to defy his lord. The obvious choice would be to see what’s going on with his lord and then make tracks for the location. Instead he decides to ignore his lord and make tracks.

We cut forward. Dennagon is flying through clouds and getting wet in the process.

He was a hundred miles from his homeland, and a thousand miles above the ground (page 25).

What.

That’s the exosphere.

For comparison, the Space Shuttle orbits the earth about 200 miles up.

A winged creature wouldn’t be able to fly due to lack of atmosphere, and I’m reasonably certain there aren’t going to be damp fucking clouds up here, either. Also, if he had to travel 1,000 miles in 40 minutes, that means that Dennagon can fly at 1,500 MPH (2,414 KPH).

This man is more out of touch with reality than any writer I’ve ever encountered. This is making me long for the scientific accuracy of Maradonia.

A female drake appears from the vapor, standing on the cloud. She has no wings. Fuck it, maybe these dragons can teleport. Who knows? She introduces herself as Lyconel and they occasionally lapse into use words like ‘hath’ and ‘thy’ that aren’t used remotely consistently. Dennagon launches into some threats.

“You will tell me what your purpose is in speaking, lest I cast you forth into the gorges of doom whereupon my emerald fires shall rip past your scaly hide and smite you with great force against the desiccated dunes down under.” (page 27)

Lamest. Threat. Ever.

Lyconel says that they’re both seeking the Lexicon. Dennagon says it doesn’t exist, which he clearly believes since he just traveled 1,000 miles after hearing about it. Lyconel points out his obvious bullshit and asks why he still dreams about it every night. I’m getting some strong Matrix vibes from this. I wonder if Eng is a fan?

Lyconel says he can follow her if he wants and walks off. Suddenly Dennagon realizes who she is and draws his sword and attacks. Apparently she once tried to destroy – sorry, ‘decimate’ his city. They fight. Eventually he cuts her. Then she knocks him down. Then he knocks her down. Eventually Dennagon gets bored with this and bulls out a spellbook – [!!!] and reads one he’s bookmarked:

“All the universe’ hellish wonders,” he read with the ire of a draconic wizard, “give me the strength of mighty thunder!” (page 30)

It’s growing increasingly difficult to take this book seriously. And we’re only on chapter one.

He blasts her with a few more spells and finally he gets his sword to kill her, but she lets herself fall off the cloud. He monetarily considers chasing her, but decides against it, because she’s a lunatic. Then again, he does apparently believe she tried to destroy his home city, which is a pretty good incentive for chasing her down and finishing the job, but we’re already well aware he isn’t the most responsible of dragons.

Dennagon realizes it’s 18:29, and he’s late for his meeting with the Archive Lord.

“Crud,” he thought to himself (page 31).

Just swear, Eng. It’s very clear you aren’t writing for children.

Comment [13]

Chapter Two

Apparently the “Archive” is the most important building in the kingdom. Dragons collect data to store it in the building’s core for Reasons that may or may not become clear. Inside, there’s millions or circular dishes filled with gooey black orbs that look like “sugary tar” (seriously) and they hold megabytes of data. Wow. You’d think in this incredible society they’d be using gigabytes, or maybe even terabytes. Apparently not.

The orbs all looked like giant caviar, dripping with dark fluids from their supple surfaces as if to contain embryos and cerebral nutrition within shelled walls and savory, salty substance. And assuredly, they were just as tasty as they appeared (page 34).

OK.

Hundreds of dragons are dropping off their bits of gathered intelligence that they have gathered. Meanwhile, Dennagon is hurrying along and hating everyone.

Feeling sick at having to remain with all of his low-life colleagues (page 34).

Knowing the author is an Asian supremacist makes me wonder just how much of himself he’s channeling into his protagonist.

Apparently, these orbs of knowledge are actually intended to be eaten. Dennagon thinks about how he used to sample them a lot, and they were delicious.

He knew they tasted like the finest bloody meat whilst sending surges of orgasmic information to one’s head (page 35).

In this world, this is fairly normal, but Dennagon is an abstainer. He feels that something about the orbs is not quite right and has been starving himself for a few years now and living off animals.

Another dragon, Thargon, bumps into him. A few other sentries gather round and make fun of him and the fact that he’s an idiot. Dennagon points out that he collects more knowledge in a day than they do in a year. This is a bit insulting, so the other dragons grab their weapons. Dennagon draws his sword and says they’re welcome to attack any time.

The brutish comportment of his antagonistic colleagues lessened at the sight of his weapon (page 36).

What –

Attempting to maintain their masculinity, they shirked, hiding their cowardice behind euphemistic visages (page 36).

The –

Thargon spit out reptilian slaver (page 36)

Fuck?? Seriously? Euphemistic visages? That doesn’t make any fucking sense!

It’s almost as if Eng decided he was going to try and write an entire novel in the style of The Eye of Argon. And succeeded.

Thargon tells Dennagon he’ll never amount to anything and then chows down on an orb. The information inside – “physical laws, astronomical constants and chronological facts” are absorbed into his memory. Hopefully they aren’t all incorrect, like Eng’s understanding of the concept of force.

Dennagon heads in to where the dragon king is waiting, a bit nervous, since he’s late. The king takes the form of a black shadow that is “spiraling above the throne in an omnipotent dance of conflagrations that echoed the mystery of a thousand riddles” (page 38). The king is named Drekkenoth – oh hey, that possibly bad guy from the prologue – who launches into some helpful “As you know, Bob” exposition. We learn that the world is getting fucked up, sapiens are roaming the land and destroying things, and their only hope is to gather all of the planet’s knowledge before man destroys it. Interesting. Just a few pages ago there was a reference to Planck’s constant, which was discovered in 1900 by a man. I take it, then, that this story is set after 1900, and that men have existed and therefore discovered Planck’s constant, but something happened and now men have lost all their knowledge and have turned back into rather stupid knights while dragons are the most technologically advanced creatures on the planet? Which would explain why they’re standing by and letting man destroy the planet? Either way, none of this makes any fucking sense, and I don’t have a lot of faith in Eng to provide a plausible explanation before the book ends.

Drekkenoth says Dennagon is their greatest warrior.

“Of this I am aware,” replied Dennagon humbly (page 38).

I don’t think you know what the word “humble” actually means.

Drekkenoth asks why Dennagon doesn’t hang out in their wisdom circle. Blah blah, apparently there isn’t much time left in the world, and totality is coming, which means the world will merge into a single unification and stuff. Dennagon says they should attack the sapiens head-on. Drekkenoth points out the sapiens aren’t human anymore – they have powerful souls, and if the dragons attack the sapiens will bring about a powerful metaphor for death. This thesaurus abuse is starting to drive me crazy.

Drekkenoth lapses into meditation which Dennagon takes as his cue to leave. As he leaves, the other dragons notice him.

They ceased their incessant persiflage as he moved by, only to hurtle jeers at his ascetic disposition (page 41).

There are times when chapters of a spork refuse to give me a particularly idiotic phrase to use as a section title, and there are times when a chapter gives me far too many.

Fortunately, the dragon’s incessant persiflage doesn’t bother Dennagon at all:

They didn’t matter in the slightest, their somas as phantasms piffle in the wind (page 41).

That is a real sentence.

We cut forward and there’s an entire paragraph of intense thesaurus abuse that tells us that nothing is happening. Here’s a sample sentence: Yet, even as the water bore its own sapphire tint, it had islands embedded upon its vistas to break the smooth uniformity that existed not in the universe (page 42). Or, in other words, the ocean has islands. It’s super-helpful information.

Dennagon dreams about Shevinoth, first king of the dragons, flying around the moon, in considerably more pretentious prose than what I just used. In the dream, Shevinoth lands on the moon and pulls out a glowing sword and starts digging a hole in the surface. He doesn’t get anywhere. Eventually Shevinoth looks at Dennagon and asks “What is art?” Then there’s a huge explosion which burns Shevinoth up. Well, that was a useful dream sequence. Maybe later there’ll be a scene where Dennagon is forced to fight the True Reality of Art and we’ll realize this scene was Foreshadowing, but I doubt it.

Dennagon wakes up, covered in sweat. Sure, reptiles don’t sweat, but he’s a dragon, so that doesn’t really matter. He spends a few moment thinking deeply about irrelevant things.

We cut forward. Dennagon takes a stroll. There is a great deal of thesaurus abuse. Eventually he gets to a secret place and starts digging until he unearths a bunch of fossils! Which I guess he hides here, buried beneath layers of dirt and rocks. Because that’s not going to break anything. They’re not dragon fossils. From the description, I’m guessing dinosaurs.

There’s another, stranger one, that is made out of highly advanced technology. Dennagon spends some time assembling it.

The finished piece was a creature of metal and circuits, dented at the edges, but whole nonetheless (page 49).

Dennagon thinks it’s strange, because he can’t think of a reason to explain such highly advanced machinery that’s so old.

Not knowing everything makes Dennagon think about the Lexicon. Supposedly, if he touches the Lexicon, he’ll become all-knowing and all-wise and have the mind of a god, which sounds awfully convenient. I wonder if it’s going to happen at some point in this book?

Suddenly, there’s a rather large explosion. Dennagon realizes that a battle has begun, because it would have taken an army of magicians to create said explosion. While that might be true, isn’t it equally plausible that an army of magicians have just placed a sneak attack against them and then casually went home, since the text doesn’t describe a battle commencing?

The conflagration boiled up from the ground like the expanding sac of a red-warm embryo (page 51).

Gross.

There are explosions of radioactive emissions, even though nobody but an omniscient narrator would be able to say whether the materials were radioactive at this juncture. Dennagon looks out and the smoke and flying debris and clouds of dust is so thick that he can’t see anything. He immediately determines that it must be an enemy attacking and decides he’s going to fuck them up.

Comment [21]

Chapter Three

Drakemight is on fire.

Blazes that detonated out of the massive metal rods that came shooting down from the clouds (page 53).

Towers are falling left and right and the dragons are fleeing in panic.

Mushroom clouds bloomed everywhere, spreading radioactive winds across the entire civilization as if to summon a deadly aurora borealis (page 53).

I don’t know how a non-sentient nuclear explosion can summon the Northern Lights, but I can hope this means that everyone in this book will die from radiation sickness.

Dennagon asks who the enemy is. Gorgash, flying by, asks him if he can’t predict.

It was rather obvious. “Humans.” (page 54)

If it’s obvious, I wonder why he’s asking. Maybe he’s an idiot?

Dennagon takes off. The narration informs us he’s stark raving mad, even as he begins methodically thinking about how the missiles flying through the sky can be defeated, which leads me to believe Eng doesn’t actually know what ‘mad’ means. Halfway up to the stratosphere he encounters one of them headed straight towards the Archive. Dennagon, of course, is able to calculate the precise angle of a flying object five miles above the surface and know where it will land within the accuracy of a city block, because he’s Smart.

“Velocity is distance multiplied by time,” he reminded himself (page 55).

And how is he going to use this nugget of wisdom?

He slashes at it with his sword and connects, even though it’s moving at the speed of sound…which he can also tell…because he’s a genius? The sword carves a groove in the side which makes it spiral off-course. He turns around and chases after it. They’re about five miles up, so math…Dennagon has about 23 ½ seconds to stop it.

Trigonometry and dynamics shuffled in his consciousness, guiding him with the mathematics of physical laws so that he could optimize his efficiency (page 55).

Right. Unfortunately, there’s “hordes” of dragons flying around five miles up in the air and getting in his way. He screams at them to get out of his way, then he starts punching dragons who are “stupid enough to get in his path”. One would think, with all the trigonometry and dynamics floating around in his brain, that Dennagon would know that every action has an equal and opposite reaction and if you’re trying to catch something hurtling towards the ground at 767 miles per hour and you have, by my calculations, 16 seconds left, punching people is going to have a negative impact on your speed.

Eventually he catches up (we’ve established that he can fly at ~1,500 MPH), turns it upside-down and “makes certain” it won’t explode when it hits the ground. How? It’s not elaborated upon. Because he’s fucking smart, I guess. They arrive at the ground. He drops missile and drops into a backroll, which is probably very effective when you hit the ground going several hundred miles an hour.

He spends a couple minutes examining the missile – it’s sparking from the groove his apparently indestructible sword cut in it. He can tell it runs on electricity and knows that if it exploded it would kill him.

Suddenly he hears another missile shooting towards him. I’m not sure how he can hear the missile coming if it’s moving at the speed of sound. Doesn’t that mean he wouldn’t be able to hear it until it actually hit him?

With a tremendous thrust, he hurtled the missile in his clutches to the one that sailed toward him. The two projectiles collided in midair a mile up, emitting a blast of illumination that scorched all of Drakemight with fierce pulses of light (page 57).

So not only can he fly at 1,500 miles an hour, Dennagon is capable of picking up a missile that is twice as big him and throwing it a mile.

This book is so fucking stupid.

The explosion throws him backward like being punched by 12 million knights. It doesn’t kill him, of course. Sure, at that distance he’d be hit by both the fireball and the blast of air pressure which would shred him like a paper airplane in a woodchipper. Instead, he crashes into a house which collapses on him. This is lucky, because he’s slightly protected from the radiation. Silver linings!

Also, at this point there’s really no need to be even slightly afraid for Dennagon’s safety. If he can shrug off a nuclear blast, nothing can hurt him. Swords? Guns? None of those have a fraction of the destructive power of nuclear bomb.

He crawls out – into the radiation, but let’s ignore that – and looks up and the other dragons flying to meet the incoming missiles. He screams at them not to engage, but they can’t hear him, probably because they’re flying faster than the speed of sound. The sky lights up like a fireworks show.

In the bleeding heavens, hundreds of nukes were set off by the morons who decided it was a good idea to strike the warheads with their blades, fangs, and claws (page 58).

Morons like Dennagon, I guess. After all, he was the first to do it, and it apparently worked just fine. In fact, if the dragons were watching him, it’s probably his fault they’re dying. And why the fuck did it work for him and not for anyone else?

Dennagon takes off and navigates through the city which is rapidly being destroyed. Thesauruses and buildings are abused, but he makes it outside of the city before crash-landing into the wilderness. He looks back at the smoldering city and realizes it’s going to be a while before the dragons can return home. Yeah, probably.

He hears footsteps approaching and dives behind a shrubbery because he hides from things even though he’s fucking invincible. It turns out to be humans. Knights, some walking and some on horses, armed to the teeth. Dennagon is pissed, but resolves not to let them take Drakemight, which, as a reminder, is currently a nuclear wasteland being bombarded by a meteor shower of live warheads. What, precisely, are these knights going to do? Walk up and collectively die from radiation sickness, most likely. Naturally, Dennagon doesn’t wonder about this, because he’s holding the Idiot Ball.

Anyway, there’s about a hundred of them. He decides to hang back and watch. The last knight comes into view and it speaks in a mechanical voice.

And the enchantment was viewable as the paladin turned its head again. Built into the back of its skull was a chip of metal lined with wires, circuits and mechanical nodes that he had no idea what to make of (page 60).

Robots!

Dennagon moves to follow them, but gets hit in the head with a rock.

At first, he thought he had been hit by a catapult shot, but as he rolled onto his back, he looked up, only to see a wurm, a dragon with no limbs (page 61).

Okay.

The wurm picked up another stone (page 61).

How does it pick up the stone without hands?

Dennagon attacks and the wurm bashes him in the head with the rock and Dennagon falls over, unconscious. Nuclear blasts? No problem. Hit in the head with a rock? Game over.

The wurm wraps Dennagon up and drags him away.

We cut over to an omniscient narrator who explains that the world is changing and dinosaurs are killing each other en masse. This is the Age of Reptiles, which lasts until an asteroid impact wipes them out and the next dominant species is men. Men are greedy and cowardly and greedy and filled with bloodlust, which, okay, I’ll buy that interpretation.

Their technological contagion spread throughout the globe, computers lining every inch of the sky down to the very planetary core, creating a gargantuan multicellular organism composed of multicellular organisms (page 62).

I feel like a planet that full of computers would simply not be sustainable.

Then another time-center springs forward, which is called the Middle Ages for reasons.

Mana brimmed around the magical brain of the World, Gaia manifested in the form of the liquid of life bubbling around the souls of every conscious being (page 62).

I’m going to assume that Eng doesn’t know anything about the historical ideas and use of “mana” and “Gaia” and he’s just using it because it sounds cool and mystical and a little bit like you’re playing a poorly designed game. Although the title of this book would make a lot more sense of it was an RPG manual.

Anyway, the Middle Ages are a medieval time of chivalry and honor, which is weird, since the actual Middle Ages were also a medieval time. Or maybe this Second Middle Ages is called that because the giant computer-world reverted back to medieval times, which doesn’t make sense but something I could see Eng going for. Also, neither of these were full of chivalry, or honor, but that’s a popular misconception.

There’s a cloud that hangs over the world that turns into a giant storm of thesaurus abuse.

A mechanized dragon soared over the World, its biotechnological eyes scanning everything hat lived so that its cybernetic brain could process the info underneath its metal-plated body (page 63).

Don’t you mean inside its body?

All the liquid knowledge from the world boils up to the surface. Everything goes black. Black lasers fire down and kill everything. The mechanized dragons fly around thinking about how they need to find and exterminate the lone sentry named Dennagon, the only thing that stands in their way of whatever it is they’re trying to accomplish by destroying everything.

Comment [12]

Chapter Three, Part 2

Dennagon wrenched open his eyes, terrified at the visions that bombarded his mind (page 64).

Okay. So were those previous scenes intended to be some kind of vision he’s having?

Despite his terrorized posture, the dark ocean of his dreams only existed as dreams, and nothing more. It took him a second to realize that fact.

“Where am I?! What is time?! Certainty lies in one’s mind, but how can I know anything for certain?!” his random thoughts rambled (page 64).

First, you can’t terrorize your posture. Second, if he’s wondering where he is, why is he pondering the concept of time? Third, if certainty lies within your mind, it seems to follow – you know what, never mind.

He looks around and sees all the trees are growing upside-down with their roots poking up toward the sky, which doesn’t sound like it would work in real life but okay.

This must have been the Pedorian Forest (page 65).

No. This must be the Pedorian Forest. You’re not looking at the smoldering remains of what used to be. Present tense, Eng. Even Gloria Tesch writes better than this.

…sometimes.

The wurm shows up. It’s named Dradicus. Dennagon just knows this without any introduction because Eng forgot about it, I assume. The wurm has a ‘goofy expression’ which doesn’t help me take this chapter any more seriously.

Faster than lightning, Dennagon grabbed the opponent by the throat and slammed him into a ground-dwelling canopy. Dradicus’ googly pupils ringed around his rounded eyes disoriented (page 65).

Take a closer look at the second sentence in that quote, my friends. Read it out loud. Read it a second time. That’s an actual sentence from this book.

I do wonder how the wurm was able to immediately overpower Dennagon when they first met but now Dennagon is able to throw him around without a problem.

Two other dragons come in and pull Dennagon off Dradicus and throw him to the ground.

Dennagon understood only one thing. They attacked him, and thus, were the enemy (page 65).

Technically, they didn’t attack him so much as drag him off a wurm he was strangling, but those minor distinctions mean nothing to someone as intelligent and educated as our draconic hero.

However, his sword is gone. The ouroboros (stolen from Greek history) has it. There’s an uninteresting fight scene which is broken up by the appearance of Lyconel.

Dennagon helpfully exposits that they’re all “Errants.” He clarifies: “Dissidents.” That was helpful. He says that he won’t reveal anything no matter what they do to him, but for the sake of curiosity, he’d like to know what they want. Lyconel says they want……..him.

Dennagon looked at her. Her eyes were straighter than the path of the fastest light ray (page 67).

That doesn’t make any fucking sense on so many different levels.

Dennagon laughs and says that trying to blackmail the collective is pointless.

“They want me back as much as they want to suck the bladder of an incontinent minotaur” (page 67).

That’s a lovely mental image.

Lyconel explains they’re here to help. The attack on Drakemight was not intended to eliminate data. Instead…well, we get into the “long ago”. Way back when, there was a “point that encompassed all moments in time” and that is what the humans actually want. And the humans have already managed to tap into the source of time. She pulls out something that looks a bit like a gun. One of the other dragons throws a helmet in the air. Lyconel fires and reduces the helm into shrapnel.

This makes Dennagon’s mouth drop open. I…really don’t know why. He’s already squared off against nuclear weapons without batting an eyelash. Why does a relatively simple machine-gun blow his mind?

I’m already more than certain this book was never edited, but now I suspect it was also written out of order.

Lyconel explains the machine gun is only a sample of what humans are capable of. And only dragons are smart enough to stop the humans from destroying everything.

Dennagon doesn’t believe a word of it. He points out that dragons keep wisdom, humans aren’t particularly powerful, and it’s not likely that they have powers from tapping into the source of time. And that he really needs to get back to collecting knowledge. One of the other dragons shoots an arrow up which scatters the leaves enough to reveal the night sky, which makes me suspect Eng doesn’t know how bows and arrows work. But apparently, the ashes of Drakemight still linger in the air. Which they can see, even though it’s dark.

“Drakemight is no more.” (page 70)

Well. Yeah. Getting hit by a few hundred nukes will take care of most cities. More importantly, why does Dennagon not remember what happened literally a few hours before? He’s already guessed the humans were behind the nuclear attack, and now he’s trying to argue that humans don’t pose a threat?

Maybe he has incurable brain damage. We can always hope.

Lyconel says they’re his only hope if he doesn’t want to aimlessly roam the earth for the rest of his life. Dennagon agrees, on the condition that he gets his sword back. Nomax (whose name Dennagon knows as well, for unexplained reasons) throws it back.

With a handkerchief of human skin, he wiped off the filthy claw prints (page 71).

A…handkerchief…made out of human skin?

Okay.

There’s a noise and they all dive for cover. It turns out to be a bunch of sentries from Drakemight who are out…well, leaving, I guess. Dennagon thinks through his options. He considers signaling the sentries and wiping out Lyconel and the rest of the dissidents, who he doesn’t particularly trust, but then realizes he doesn’t really trust anyone at Drakemight either.

The tension virtually permeated the air. He could feel one of his new allies immersed in terror, another that was stooped in clandestine, covert thoughts, another that pondered meticulously, and the last that just plainly wanted to kill him (page 72).

Interesting, dragons have a mild form of ESP. That’s handy. I mean, if I was Dennagon, I would use it on Lyconel when she’s talking to see whether she’s telling the truth (or, at least, if she believes in what she’s saying – it’s useful information either way). Something tells me this ability won’t be used in any meaningful way.

Anyway, Dennagon decides not to betray them. They all wait until the sentries pass. Lyconel gets up.

“Follow my lead,” she advisedly commanded (page 73).

Seriously, Eng? Advisedly commanded?

We cut forward. In the middle of the forest there’s an upside-down lake that hovers in midair, and the Drakemight sentries settle there. We’re treated to an idiotic argument between two sentries, which I’ll skip. We rejoin Dennagon and co. at the outskirts of the lake and learn something new:

“The Drakemight collective organized that attack upon itself. They’re as much the enemies as the sapiens are.” (page 76).

The nuclear attack? Or the knight attack? Either way, this is kind’ve a huge piece of information, so naturally Dennagon doesn’t think about it at all.

A cloud swoops overhead. It’s the dragon-king, Drekkenoth. He lands at the center and all the sentries gather round.

Loyally as canines, the sentries did wait, every moment their pupils focused upon their master (page 77).

Drekkenoth tells the dragons that while the walls were destroyed, they haven’t lost the battle. Actually, they’ve definitely lost the battle. I think he means they haven’t lost the war yet. He goes on to say they need to advance on the human armies. The sentries aren’t happy about that, pointing out that they can’t really fight against nuclear weapons.

“I say his leadership wavers,” said the last sentry. “He cannot command us any longer.” (page 78)

Wow. Took one page and less than five minutes for the dragons to go from canine loyalty to Julius Caesar.

The dragons attack and Drekkenoth slaughters them without much of a problem.

Blood splattered all over and severed body parts were cast in all directions, the duress of a bestial fury untamed directing the wrath without care for life (page 80).

Eventually things settle down. Drekkenoth informs the survivors that the information has made him as strong as a million dragons. He then throws a bunch of the black data orbs and all the dragons take off after them in need of food. After a few minutes Arxinor and Gorgash fly down to join him and share some helpful exposition.

“That went as calculated,” remarked Arxinor.

“Their pace in downloading has quickened,” descried Gorgash.

“Their minds will grow weak with the cognitive venom we have implanted.” (page 81)

For the love of Paolini, Eng. Use “said”.

At any rate, I’m guessing that this plot point means Drekkenoth has been poisoning the minds of all the dragons, but Dennagon, being the lone abstainer, has been immune from the mindvirus.

Gorgash asks about Dennagon, but Drekkenoth says he’s irrelevant. Evil Overlord Mistake.

Dennagon’s mind is completely blown. He’s completely lost track of what he believes and what is Real and what is not and whether magic has poisoned his thoughts. He concludes that he must be dreaming, and the only way out of a dream is to die, so he starts walking towards Drekkenoth to be killed. However, Nomax sees this and bashes him into unconsciousness with a large rock, because while buildings collapsing on top of him can be shrugged off, a fist or rock really does the trick.

Comment [12]

Chapter Four

The dragons walk alongside a hovering river. Eng uses a lot of pretentious words, but that’s essentially what is happening.

Dennagon trudged through the grass, his noggin aching (page 84).

Eng has a fascinating ability to switch from unbelievably pretentious to Uncle Remus within the space of a single paragraph.

He’s surrounded by the others and he can’t do anything because they have their weapons ready. Sure, last chapter he was thinking about how easily he could kill all of them. I’m guessing Eng doesn’t have a clear idea of how powerful Dennagon is, so his powers fluctuate depending on what the plot dictates. It’s convenient.

Dradicus comes over and introduces everyone to Dennagon, but since Dennagon Somehow Knew everyone’s names already, it’s kinda pointless. But Dennagon takes the opportunity to ask about the metal dragons. Lyconel explains they’re called technodragons, and they’re from the future, and their purpose is “To take control of dragonkind and reap the spoils of victory alongside…the sapiens.” (page 87)

This nearly floors Dennagon, since sapiens are the “nightmare race of all existence” and that no one alive has ever encountered one and lived.

He could hardly imagine any sentry working peacefully in the presence of a human, let alone the presence of the sapien subspecies that evolved from men (page 88).

Gotcha, so there’s a spinoff from the human race.

Anyway, the collective is conspiring with the sapiens to corrupt all the dragon-minds with the black orbs so no one ever finds the Lexicon.

“In order to defeat them, we must tap into the sole source of omniscience – the Lexicon.” (page 89)

Lyconel exposits that to get the Lexicon, they need the Key, and there’s a bunch of trials and obstacles between them and the key. Great. So this is going to be a Quest book. That’s original.

“These challenges, wrought with the influence of imagined physical laws from the powerful minds of the most potent magicians in all the lands, can only be surpassed by one who has extensive expertise on the laws of physics.”

Dennagon felt like taking a dump. Luckily, he hadn’t any fecal matter left in his stomach (page 89).

Uh… what?

No seriously, what? I mean, yeah, there’s a common saying “you’ll shit” when surprised, but you can’t change up the words in an idiom because it loses its meaning. “Brad rotated the dung” is not the same as “Brad flipped his shit.” That’s not how language works.

Also, fecal matter resides in the intestines, not the stomach. You’d think someone as educated as Dennagon would know that.

Lyconel explains they’ve been watching him telepathically and that’s how they know he’s a genius.

They’ve reached a point in the river where there’s a lot of algae and vegetation, so the dragons get into the river and start eating. Dennagon doesn’t bother.

He would probably have expended more energy than he would have gained by doing so, since underwater verdure was generally not the most appetizing of foods (page 91).

Appetizing is not the same thing as nutritional.

Dennagon sees some blood in the river a bit downstream and figures where there’s blood, there’s meat. He casually takes off while the others are distracted. The omniscient narrator to explain that this place is called the Red Marsh and basically all the water is concentrated blood and pureed bodily fluids. We rejoin Dennagon who spends a page and a half thinking about a flower and sneezing. Eventually, he realizes that there must have been a war here, long ago. So kind’ve like the Dead Marshes from Lord of the Rings? Okay.

The clouds stirred above until they were shaken into staccato strokes of altocumulus formation (page 97).

Right. Dennagon can tell there isn’t any food within ten miles, a skill which he really should have used before he traveled the one mile to this fucking marsh.

He scoops up some of the blood and suddenly the marsh comes along.

All around, bladed figures emerged from the shapeless masses of sanguine liquid, slicing wildly with the precision of a mindless beast (page 98).

Of course, when an entire marsh turns into slicing blood blades you’d think it would instantly kill him, but it doesn’t. Instead, Dennagon looks up and sees something black, kind’ve like a solar eclipse but not quite, casting dark light, which seems like a bit of a contradiction.

The red plants loved it, and reached as far as they could to photosynthesize the negative luminosity (page 99).

Dennagon closes his eyes so the eclipse doesn’t fry his vision. The red blood plants attack, but he uses his “auditory organs” because that’s how Eng describes ears to easily avoid them and escape, just in time for a dragon to show up and take a swing at him with a huge axe. It’s Gorgash the behemoth, who is apparently pretty quiet when he needs to be.

Blah blah, there’s a fight scene. It continues for six and a half pages – seriously – and it’s really fucking boring, so let’s skip ahead to Dennagon burying Gorgash’s axe into Gorgash’s head and killing him. The other dragons wander up and are suitably impressed until they realize it’s a technodragon, and then they go for their weapons. Because he’s not actually dead!!! But Gorgash ignites a rocket and takes off before they can attack and disappears into the distance.

Lyconel wants to know what the hell is going on, but Dradicus says the enemy is coming, and they need to make tracks, so they do.

Comment [6]

Chapter Five

We open with a lengthy paragraph discussing how the Earth is actually a biological organism.

The waters and the lands were the flesh and blood, the skies and air were skin and bones, and the Supersurface Cave Network was the nervous system that linked to the spine and core brain (page 109).

There’s a reference to Gaia theory, which actually exists, so I guess I should give Eng credit for referring to something someone actually believes. I’ll also remove credit for positing that a Cave Network can operate as some sort of nervous system.

Anyway, there’s enormous tubes of rock that crisscross the planet’s surface and are supposedly essential for the world’s survival. Our heroes are at one of these tubes.

Dennagon asks Lyconel how they can get the Key, and Lyconel helpfully exposits that the earth has two poles – the Alpha and Omega. Hinting that this does take place on our Earth, since the Greek alphabet is a thing. And only Team Lyconel is open-minded enough to travel to them. But they need weapons first. They roll a stone away from a crack in the tubes and head inside to pitch blackness, Lyconel leading Dennagon by the talon.

As they go, they argue about certainty.

“Certitude implies that something is irrefutable, yet in complete darkness, I can say that anything is certain.”

“Why?”

“Because I can never be certain that anything is happening, so all possibilities must be happening at once.” (page 113)

Dennagon thinks that Lyconel is a complete moron for believing this, and explains that it defies logic, and “what one observes is essentially real”, which is a bit of a simplification. From there, Lyconel launches into a parable about a dragon in a box for three days, that could be either dead or alive which is quite obviously Schrödinger’s cat. It goes on for a couple pages:

“Then if no one can say for certain that the dragon in the box is dead or alive, then it must exist in both states simultaneously.” (page 115)

Which is completely misinterpreting Schrödinger’s cat, since it’s a thought experiment designed specifically to point out the absurdity of applying the principles of quantum mechanics to real-world situations.

Who would have guessed Eng doesn’t have any idea what he’s talking about?

This goes on a while longer, but I won’t recap it. Here’s the thing, though. I’m not a physicist. I’m not very good at math and I only dabble in quantum mechanics. But I do really, really enjoy reading about these things. It’s the mark of a good writer to take a fascinating – yet extremely complex – concept and write about it in such a way that a layperson, with a little bit of careful reading, can understand and appreciate that concept.

Eng is, hands down, the worst writer I have ever seen take a stab at writing about these kind of concepts. It’s bad enough that he’s just completely wrong about at least half of his conclusions, but even when he’s talking about things that might be somewhat true, he’s deliberately making them harder to understand with his pretentious, esoteric writing. That’s how you get sentences like this:

“Just as the stars are painted onto the celestial sphere unchanging, particles can occupy only one point in spatial and temporal currents.” (page 116)

According to Kenneth Eng’s resume, he wrote this book in five weeks. And he’s proud of that [!] because that makes him the “Fastest novelist in America.” I’m willing to bet he spent next to no time on rewrites.

We bounce over to Nomax and Lefius who are standing guard outside. There’s a very long paragraph of incredibly pretentious prose which tells us they didn’t have a Purpose before meeting Lyconel, but now they want to find the Lexicon because they’ll be omniscient. Wow. It’s almost like character development. They’re up to a single dimension!

Ballaxior and Nomax get into an argument for reasons that are unclear and Nomax accuses him of leading the Technodragon to them.

Ballaxior did not refute the accusation, for he knew that uncertainty rendered anything possible and it was therefore pointless to make any argument of it (page 121).

Uh…no. Uncertainty doesn’t render anything possible, and even if it did, this wouldn’t be any less moronic. Sentient beings are not completely rational, and the fact that an action is theoretically possible has absolutely no bearing on whether or not you fucking did it.

Back to Dennagon and Lyconel. They reach a large cave and Lyconel switches on a 20th-century light bulb. The room is packed with weapons. Dennagon is fascinated by the guns. Lyconel explains that the guns existed in “the future, or rather, a future.” (page 123) There’s some discussion about multiple realities and universes, just in case this book wasn’t confusing enough already. They argue. It’s not interesting, but there is this sentence:

“Then I would say that your infinitely reflexive nihilistic conjecture requires logic to live.” (page 124)

As they sort through the weapons, Dennagon messes with a grenade launcher and accidentally blows a hole through the wall. Eventually Lyconel gives him a pistol and they roll out.

After some time they arrive at a living wall of fire they have to walk through. Dennagon pulls out his spellbook and casts a protective spell on himself. They all walk through and the other dragons don’t need the spell since the fire won’t actually harm them. Well, that was a creative way to fill two pages with nothing happening.

They debate the first law of thermodynamics for a couple pages until a flame-tornado starts up and sucks them all in. After a bit, Dennagon gets thrown out, just in time to be attacked by Arxinor the Technodragon. There’s a fight scene which lasts for six pages, so I’ll summarize the important bits:

• Dennagon gets stabbed through the heart. He’s ok.
• Arxinor gets stabbed through the throat. He’s ok.
• Eventually, the fire sweeps them apart.
• There’s a lot of thesaurus abuse.

We rejoin Lyconel & crew outside the fire where the tornado dumped them. She kinda wants to go back for Dennagon, but Ballaxior says there’s no point. Lyconel accepts this rather easily, which is odd.

Her hopes on finding the Key were in great jeopardy, lost within that wall of fire (page 144).

I’ve gotten the vibe from this book that Kenneth Eng is a bad writer. More to the point, I’ve gotten the vibe that Lyconel thinks the Key is Kind Of A Big Deal and also Important. She’s already risked her life a couple times trying to get Dennagon involved, why is she giving up so easily, if he’s so important to her cause?

Then again, I probably shouldn’t expect much from a book Eng shit out in five weeks.

Anyway. They all head off toward the Alpha Pole.

Comment [11]

Chapter Six

Dennagon regains consciousness in a place that looks like a giant city of computers, but engineered to look like the natural world.

Even the towers, which were constructed of hundreds of gigantic cybernetic terminals, looked like giant sequoias that gnarled and twisted as chaotically as any biological organism (page 147).

That’s…actually kind’ve an interesting concept. Not a great description, but interesting concept. Why isn’t a well-done painting of that on the cover of this book?

Gashes riddled his soma, revealing scathed muscle under flayed scales. He was completely deformed (page 147).

Holy shit! He better get medical attention stat –

Aside from that, though, the rest of his body still felt refreshed (page 148)

Aside from missing large chunks of skin that’s been flayed off his body –

He was ready for another day (page 148).

-okay.

Dennagon is shocked by the cityscape around him, and ruffles through his “trusty spellbook” looking for something that would explain this place’s existence. However, for some reason he quickly decides that no magician would ever be able to create a place this complex, which makes no sense. He’s from an incredibly technologically advanced city, he’s seen cyborg technodragons, and he’s seen fossils of things that seem to blend technology and biology. Why is this blowing his mind?

…right. Book written in five weeks, not edited for shit. Let’s move on.

Dennagon goes exploring! There’s no sun, moon, or stars, which makes me wonder how he can see. As he walks, he spends a page or so thinking about a wristwatch that Drekkenoth had and wondering why he used it.

The only thing he could conceivably sum it up to was idiosyncrasy (page 151).

Dennagon is an idiot. He knows, obviously, that Drekkenoth is supposedly very intelligent: isn’t it a far safer and more rational to assume there’s a reason for it and Dennagon just doesn’t know what it is – and, for that matter, since Drekkenoth clearly values the wristwatch, to spend some time trying to figure out why since it may be to Dennagon’s advantage?

He keeps wandering. Eventually he sees his reflection in a shiny gem.

“You know, I have really nice scales,” he complimented himself (page 151).

I really hate this book’s protagonist.

But then the image shifts and he sees his horrific wounds and is startled because he hasn’t even noticed the pain. Then a voice comes out of nowhere and tells him that he can’t know the future by wishing for the past. Then a robotic arm comes out of the cyber-tree and attacks him. They fight. There’s some amusing quotes, like this:

A giant circuited talon grabbed him by the torso, squeezing him with the perfunctory ruthlessness of an unrestrained CPU (page 152-153).

Eventually, he defeats Robot Treebeard but at the expense of his sword, which breaks. The disembodied voice remains. Dennagon realizes it’s a shadowy figure that turns out to be an undead dragon in plate armor, holding a sword that is known in every history book. The sword’s name is Exarius – which sounds a little bit like Excalibur. Dennagon immediately kneels and greets the undead dragon, who is called Shevinoth, who you might remember from a single brief mention 100+ pages ago when Dennagon dreamed about the first dragon king landing on the moon.

Shevinoth invites Dennagon back to his place to see some literature, which probably isn’t a metaphor. They take off, flying up into the stratosphere, and head off to an enormous tower that’s called the Technorealm Mainframe. There’s a giant control screen with alien buttons that say things like “Alt” and “Ctrl” and “F5” which confuses him. Um…

Shevinoth touches a button and a screen comes up.

It displayed the words “Starting: Windows 1200 AD”. (page 157)

I don’t know how to respond to that.

Dennagon asks how long Shevinoth has been trapped here. Shevinoth scoffs and says that this isn’t a game of dungeons and dragons, which is accurate, at least: Dungeons and Dragons has way more realism than this book.

They launch into a Deep Argument where they debate the fundamental concepts of reality so Eng can revel in his intellectual superiority.

“A genesis in time would be necessary as a causal predecessor to timed existence, yet that too would need a genesis of its own that would not itself need a temporal premise.” (page 159)

Skipping past some pointless debate, Shevinoth inserts a CD into a disk drive and uses the computer to connect to the internet. Part of me really hopes he’s using an AOL trial CD, but Eng doesn’t specify. Shevinoth explains that he did die, long ago, but he still had a purpose in life – controlling the flow of time – so apparently he un-died. And now he’s here to endow Dennagon with the gift of omniscience – the Lexicon – which is on the computer screen. All Dennagon needs to do is enter the password. Dennagon says he doesn’t know what the password is, though.

“You know it. You’ve known all along.” (page 162)

God, I hate that trope.

Dennagon searches his memory and eventually decides to use Shevinoth’s name since it’s the only thing he can think of. It works and thousands of icons start popping up that basically contain the sum of all human and dragon knowledge.

Shevinoth explains that all this information is for Dennagon, because – don’t say it, goddamnit

“Only you can defeat Drekkenoth and his evil minions.” (page 163)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dennagon picks up one of the cables which then automatically connects itself to his brain. As the Matrix starts spinning up to initiate the download, Dennagon has a moment of clarity where he wonders if this is going to be like the black orbs of knowledge that he’s been fastidiously ignoring for years – and then the download starts and he learns string theory, C++, Java, and a shitload of other things in the space of the next 90 seconds. That’s not a joke: the text states he learns string theory, C++, and Java. After a minute, though, Dennagon realizes it’s starting to attack his brain and starts trying to break the cable free.

Shevinoth explains that he’s becoming part of the Mainframe – all knowing, but without free will, which seems like a dumb thing to say before the process completes and Dennagon loses his free will. Naturally, this immediately backfires, as Dennagon whips the pistol out of his belt and starts blasting the computer until it shatters and shuts down. Then he punches Shevinoth in the face. The mask falls off, revealing…Drekkenoth.

Nice one, Dennagon.

Our not-terribly-smart hero takes off with Drekkenoth in hot pursuit. After some poorly choreographed violence, Drekkenoth turns to his precious wristwatch that you’ll remember Dennagon dismissing a few pages ago. Drekkenoth turns the dials and uses it to warp the very fabric of space – surprise! – and Dennagon basically finds himself running in slow motion. Drekkenoth pulls out a plasma cannon and Dennagon frantically searches his newfound knowledge and hits upon a plan.

You know, if your plan to incapacitate your enemy involves giving him all the knowledge in the universe to destroy his free will, you really should make sure that the enemy can’t interrupt the process halfway through. Or, in other words, Drekkenoth’s just as fucking stupid as Dennagon.

Dennagon decides to run AT Drekkenoth instead of away from him, which makes him move faster rather than slower. Drekkenoth fires his super-powered computer-guided plasma cannon and, naturally, misses. Dennagon rapidly approaches and then hits the speed of light, which serves to pop him backward in time, so he suddenly vanishes out of that “now”.

We are now just past the halfway point of this book.

Comment [14]

Chapter Seven

Blah de blah, Dradicus is at the North Pole and stuff. It’s taking a long time and he’s slowly developing frostbite, which sounds like a bit of a problem.

“Are we there yet?” he asked aggravated.
Lyconel, Nomax and Lefius followed him.
“I can’t answer that, brethren,” replied Lyconel. “You’re the scout.” (page 171)

And yet, somehow, this doesn’t bother him or concern him in the slightest. You’d think he would wonder how he’s supposed to be the scout if he has no idea where they’re going, or worry that he’s going to lead them into the middle of nowhere where they’ll die either by starvation or freezing to death. Instead, we move past it.

They all watch as a silver orb ascends into the sky. It’s the Moon! Apparently, different accounts say that the moon is supposed to be covered in craters, but this Moon is completely 100% perfect. Which they can tell from the naked eye. And then…to their amazement…a second Moon rises, except its trajectory is exactly opposite to the first Moon.

How two twin global satellites got positioned at either side of the sky, no one knew, but the simple idea countered all the laws of physics that so-called “wisemen” were trained to believe. The dragons supposed that was why their lone serpentine band constituted the only creatures to have witnessed the phenomenon in ages (page 173).

Not “why”, Eng. There is no causality here, that’s fallacious reasoning. You’re thinking of ‘because’.

Later, Dradicus asks if they’re there yet, and Lyconel says that the moons didn’t appear just to “cleanse them with their lunar light” which is the kind of statement that doesn’t make any sense and therefore, by extension, belongs in this book.

Lyconel asks Dradicus if they’re close. He explains that proximity is relative, which is thoroughly unhelpful. Unfortunately, she doesn’t kill Dradicus for this, or even take a couple minutes to beat the shit out of him, which would really help this scene, to be honest. Instead, they wonder where Ballaxior has went, since he’s mysteriously vanished, offscreen.

Now, they were left with nothing but clueless confusion touched with the madness of inner chaos in its quietude venomous (page 175).

I don’t know what that means. I understand each individual word, but once you put them together…nope.

Lyconel looks through their eyes and wonders if one of them is under a mental curse from one of the magicians wandering the world. She notices a

psychological stench that reeked of guilt pervading his very soul. Nomax, it seemed, was hiding something (pages 175-176)

Nomax suggests that maybe Ballaxior is a traitor. Lyconel gives him a “I’m watching you” glare and pulls out her compass. We learn that the world changes its magnetic alignments every so often, but her compass is designed to automatically adjust when that happens.

It was necessary to have more orientations than north, east, west, south, northeast, southeast, northwest and southwest. Hence, the directions dorth, leth, drex, teth, and doam were created (page 177).

Um. Wouldn’t it be simpler to just have, say, north-northeast, and the kind? Also, if you’re trying to add orientations, and you already have eight options, wouldn’t you need to add eight addition directions for it to have any value, instead of the six listed above?

Apparently they need to travel “dorth” which is helpful. Before they can, however, geysers start erupting, shooting hot snow everywhere. Yes, hot snow. And then everything starts forming a nerve network. The dragons take off into the air.

Hovering over the lands, they looked down, only to see the land that they were standing on transform into a gigantic lens that was built of permafrost and snowy gems. Soon, it mutated to contain an iris, capping its pupil with the cold bluish tint of its equally gelid stare. It was a gigantic eye constructed of the arctic (page 178).

O….kay. Lefius is all “The glacier is alive!” so Lyconel says they have to kill it, so they attack. I’m not sure why. They have wings. Why don’t they just fly to their destination? You know, at the incredibly fast speeds dragons can travel? Oh wait, so we can get the requisite incredibly boring and non-dramatic fight scene.

So there’s a page and a half of the dragons hitting a glacier with their weapons, and finally Nomax pulls out his grenade launcher.

The grenade tore crystal snow apart, letting the devastating disk sink into the chilled optical abomination, and causing it to shriek in horror and agony unrelenting (page 180).

The glacier eye sinks away and everything is great. Then a geyser erupts and a tentacle points towards a constellation known as the Eye of Arcadin. Which happens to look an awful lot like the glacier eye they just fought. And that Lyconel was pretty sure wasn’t there a few minutes ago. Lyconel decides that this must have been a test, and since they passed it, it gave them a hint. Yeah, that makes sense. Why wouldn’t the powers that be create a giant glacier eye that the dragons can handily dispatch with their grenade launcher, a move that doesn’t require the slightest bit of ingenuity, and then reward this group of idiots with a hint? If you’re trying to identify if these Chosen Ones are worthy of succeeding in their quest, why not devise a test that actually makes sense toward determining the quality of their character or the power of their brain? It’s like giving a hardened knight a test and saying “Before you proceed, you must kill this one-legged blind rat.”

Dradicus says he thinks he found the Keygate. Lyconel comes to take a look. There’s a wurm-shaped hole in the ground – I assume this means it’s a hole big enough for a wurm to fit through, since the text says that all these dragons are differently sized and shaped – that leads to a large room made of blue diamonds. This satisfies Lyconel that they’re at the right place. Dradicus, however, is concerned because they can’t enter without Dennagon.

But they do anyway.

We don’t know why, of course. Like, if there was some sort of clear goal outlined in the book as to why this is so time-sensitive that they enter this random place, we might understand why a character might be motivated to do anything, but motivation is something that does not exist in this universe.

Outside, a comet comes flying out of the sky and slams into the ground and then starts flying in circles and screaming.

“What the bloody fuck?” appropriately asked Lefius (page 183).

This is the first real expletive that the book itself has featured, which may seem odd to readers of this spork who are used to my terrible language. Setting that aside, though…where did “bloody” come from? Is this character supposed to be British? And why the fucking fuckity fuck does Eng feel like he needs the word “appropriately” in there? If it is appropriate – and this, astonishingly, is a situation where a colorful metaphor may genuinely be called for – any reader will be able to discern that from the context. And there’s absolutely no reason to use “asked” as the dialogue tag. “What the bloody fuck” is generally a statement, not a question, and in any case the reader can pick up on by the fact there’s a quotation mark there. Use “said”.

The flaming comet circles them and they can see Dennagon’s face. Eventually it crashes and goes out, and there is Dennagon. Wow! He was miles away and hit the speed of light and changed locations and times and popped out right where his friends are. That’s incredibly convenient.

We move back to Lyconel and Dradicus who are slowly approaching a door. There’s some rambling about the décor and they bitch at each other, so let’s skip past that. Lyconel works herself up, gives herself a pep talk, thinks about how absolutely terrified she is, and grabs the doorknob and twists. Nothing happens, because the door is locked. Lyconel decides to break the door down. Before she can, though, Dennagon appears and stops her. He says they need the Key (it’s capitalized, of course) and twists the knob. It opens for him and he goes inside.

He’s in a giant dark chamber with two clocks, one twice as large as the other.

They started ticking immediately from 15 o’clock midnight (page 186).

I don’t know what that means.

The air starts getting sucked out and Dennagon can’t breathe because he’s in a vacuum. A voice explains that it is the Key, and in order to pass, Dennagon must determine the speed at which the larger clock will fall, if the smaller clock falls at 10 meters a second. In the last bit of available air, Dennagon gasps out that objects will fall at the same speed in a vacuum, which is correct. Oddly, I wonder why this “Key” douchebag would ask someone to solve a problem and then not give them enough access to air to be able to explain the answer. I also wonder why he’s being lobbed a softball.

But the answer is correct and air comes back and Dennagon moves on to his next challenge…where to be fair, he’s asked a harder question. Gravity disappears and a claw pins him to a spinning crystal ball. But he has to figure out how much he weighs in order to figure out the math on how to release himself. A year ago he weighed 4,352 kilograms. A year before, 4,740 kg. A year before, 5,001 kg. Dennagon calculates that due to fasting on the black orbs he’s been losing about 350 kg a year, meaning he’s around 4,000 kg. Uh…no. The first year he lost 261 kg. The second year you lost 377 kg. That does not equal “about” 350 kg.

You suck at math, Eng.

Then we get this:

Despite his shitty math skills, this works perfectly and sends Dennagon flying into the final chamber. There’s a giant prism reflecting light everywhere, illuminating the walls which are packed with plastic explosives, because Dennagon knows what plastic explosives are. A one-minute timer kicks off. A voice explains he has to shift the light to where the explosives are not planted. He flies up, smashes a hole in the laser emitter and changes the light’s hue, thus adjusting its wavelength. This works and is also the most boring scene where a protagonist defeats an antagonist in written and verbal history.

He is then hit by a laser which magically heals all of his wounds. Okay, sure, why not. This book has long since abandoned any resemblance of reality or conflict. Why not have a random unforeseen laser heal him?

The “key” tells him that the bounty inside is his, and then a prism (which I am guessing is supposed to be the key) breaks open. Inside is….nothing. Dennagon wonders aloud about this as Lyconel and Dradicus walk in. He realizes he’s been talking to himself, and suddenly Everything Makes Sense.

“He IS the Key,” she declared (page 192).

Awesome.

They head outside. Dennagon’s body is now “pure emerald crystal” that is ten times as hard as a diamond for good measure.

Dennagon senses that something is not quite right. He pulls out his storybook that he keeps as a good luck charm and throws it away. Um…okay, that doesn’t make any sense.

He tries to explain what he saw in the Technorealm, but can’t find the words to adequately describe it, so he doesn’t. Lyconel says their enemies are ready to “unleash their ultimate wrath” so they need to get to the Omega Pole at the speed of sound. They all take off.

We skip over to Drekkenoth who is monologuing Evil Thoughts about how the world is going to fall to the humans but HE WILL CONTROL TIME. His peons are fixing themselves and helpfully expositing about how power Dennagon is. Drekkenoth decides it’s time to unleash their greatest weapon. Gorgash is worried because it’s not quite ready. Drekkenoth doesn’t particularly care.

“Deploy” he commanded, “the SAPIENS.” (page 198).

Comment [8]

Chapter Eight

Have I mentioned how much I hate this book? I do. I really, deeply, passionately hate this book. It’s worse than pretty much everything.

There’s a lengthy, incredibly pretentious paragraph of description because that is really what this book’s target audience enjoys:

Like dental protrusions of a leviathan mouth, the peaks ranged the terrain into the horizon, sharp to their very tips, whetted like they had been carved recently (page 199).

I don’t think that’s too much to ask that anyone who uses “dental protrusions” instead of “teeth” or “fangs” be smacked with a thesaurus and then banned from ever writing again.

Second…the ENTIRE FUCKING PURPOSE of using a simile is to help put a specific image in the reader’s mind. Example: “He stood perfectly still, like a statue carved of stone.” Most readers have seen a statue before, and statues, generally speaking, don’t move. Using that simile helps the reader understand the scene the author is trying to convey. Except no one, on the face of planet Earth, has seen a leviathan mouth before. On top of being pretentious purple prose, it accomplishes exactly nothing.

We learn that none of the characters care about the scenery they’re trudging through, so on top of being incredibly stupid, the paragraph of establishing setting doesn’t even matter to the in-story characters.

Lyconel asks Dradicus if he can see if there’s a safe place to camp ahead.

“That depends on what you mean by ‘see’. I can ‘see’ it in my imagination, but does it exist if I cannot observe it?” (page 200)

These characters remind me of infuriating college students who have read a few books and now try demonstrate their superior intellect by deliberately misinterpreting casual conversation until someone straightens them out with a crowbar.

Some nothing happens until Lyconel reveals she’s been lying to Dennagon all along: she didn’t bring him because of his “status” as a sentry, whatever the fuck that means.

“I took you because of your mind,” she resumed. “The consciousness that guided the beginning of time also built the linearity of temporal flow, thus creating destiny. However, it still kept within itself a timescape in which all the World’s events were unbound.” (page 200)

Lyconel didn’t lie: she never told Dennagon she wanted him because he was a sentry, she offered him the chance to come with her to save everything and he agreed because the dragon city of Drakemight had just been Hiroshima’d and he had nothing better to do.

Now, to translate the PretentiousSpeak into normal prose…whatever Being created the universe made time flow like a line, which somehow created destiny, which doesn’t make any fucking sense, and how does Lyconel know this? In addition, the Being kept a “timescape” (which isn’t a real word, so who the fuck knows what it’s supposed to mean?) where events were free to happen. Essentially, characters ramble about things in a way that deliberately sets out to make them impossible for readers to comprehend, or the exact opposite of what any decent writer should do. But if I’m understanding this correctly, and I’d like to think that I’m not…the universe’s “god” created Destiny, meaning free will doesn’t exist, except maybe not.

This has really helped my understanding of this novel.

Ballaxior randomly shows up and explains that he was ambushed, although it’s not established by who or what happened to him or why they were separated or how he found them, all relevant pieces of information you’d think they want to know or might make them mildly suspicious [PLOT POINT], but it’s quickly glossed over because the main characters are fucking idiots. They all move into the Tongue of Astinor, whatever that is, and make camp. Dennagon fixes his sword while Dradicus reads a book and they have a lively debate on what words and names are, in the grand scheme of things. It’s thoroughly uninteresting.

They move on to the Lip of Astinor, where they find exactly what you’d expect: a castle that resembles a giant motherboard.

Lined with circuits, generators, factory systems and missile silos, its yellow, shimmering walls hybridized a cybernetic military compound with a fortress of the middle ages (page 210).

You’d think they’d put their circuits and generators and missile silos inside the fortress, out of sight and slightly more difficult to hit with a ranged weapon, instead of on the outside, but then again I’m not a genius like Eng.

The drawbridge opens and humans start marching out. Apparently this castle is surrounded by a moat of molten gold. For the uninitiated, gold has a melting point of 1,948 degrees Fahrenheit, which sounds like it might cause some problems for the people inside the castle, as well as be impossible to maintain. Ignoring that: there are thousands of these humans.

The EVIL dragons, Arxinor & Gorgash, are watching. They tell the humans that the “dissidents” have the Key and to go to Omega Pole and kill them all.

Dennagon squinted his eyes (page 213).

Really, Eng? Compared to, for example, squinting WITHOUT using your eyes?

Nomax wants to kill them. According to the text he “requisitions” this, because of course he does. He tries to attack but is immediately subdued by the other dragons. It’s incredibly stupid:

Nomax roared and fell on his side, only to be met by another clobber over the head (page 214).

Seriously?

“Cease!” prescribed Ballaxior (page 214).

Seriously?

Fortunately, if the humans did know they were watching, there would have been an immediate onslaught (page 214).

Fortunately?

A giant orb comes out, and it’s awful. There’s a horrible voicing screaming from inside it, and it projects a Feeling:

The awfulness was so intense that the sound caused tongues to taste diseased vileness, the skin and genitals to feel all the terrors of rape, and the nasal parts to scent the most horrid odors of all (page 215).

Yep.

Chapter Nine

A tornado pops up. Lyconel says that the portal to the Lexicon is at the “eye of the vortex”. They start flying toward it but have some trouble navigating because of, you know, the storm. But eventually Dennagon gets close and thinks it looks a bit like a black hole, because it’s a black hole. I’m not a physics major, but I think a black hole appearing just outside the Earth would suck in the planet and crush it like a potato chip, very quickly, but that’s me expecting realism.

Lyconel grabs on to Dennagon’s neck – she can’t fly, remember – which doesn’t explain how she can jump over and grab his neck when he’s flying through the air – and he dives into the black hole. She takes a moment from thinking about the horribly destructive storm they’re inside and whether the black hole is going to kill them and meditates about her special place and then strokes Dennagon’s spine and has some romantic thoughts run through her mind. She’s even about to kiss [!!] him when suddenly they see some “thunderbirds” – essentially giant hawks – guarding the entrance to the black hole. They exchange some useless dialogue and the thunderbirds attack.

The thunderbird hurriedly swiped him in the face several times, its claws not quite powerful enough to penetrate his crystal skin, but still sharp enough to draw blood (page 223).

I…that’s not how skin works, Eng. If you are able to draw blood it’s because you have, even if only slightly, penetrated the skin.

Cue fight scene. It’s really fucking stupid. The dragons use hand weapons as ranged weapons. We get some stupid quotes:

“Hissss!” she seethed through her clenched fangs (page 225).

Yeah. And:

“You can’t hit what you can’t miss!” she taunted (page 228).

I think Eng was hallucinating when he wrote this chapter. I know it feels like a bad acid trip, and I’m just being forced to read it.

Anyway, the dragons kill the thunderbirds and they all meander through the black hole.

Inside is the Omega Pole, constructed of completely smooth plastic that doesn’t even have friction. They make their way through this, with a few hilarious mishaps, to a gate to the Lexicon Tower, which looks like a medieval stone tower, but is incredibly tall. As they walk, they spend more time debating pointless minutiae. After a few pages of Eng pretending to be wise, Lyconel “accidentally” drops her weapon on Dennagon and then wraps her tail around his and…I swear I’m not making this up:

“Do you also believe in love…” she started hesitantly, “…at first sight?” (page 238)

Gag. Also, Lyconel hasn’t expressed, inwardly or outwardly, the slightest bit of interest in Dennagon, and they have been together for a while now.

Dennagon shuts her down quickly.

“I don’t trust books by their covers or whelps by their faces.”

Lyconel gasped. She had just unveiled her inner most sensations and had been rejected faster than an electron’s revolutionary period around a nucleus (page 238).

They finally arrive at the door and spend some time checking their weapons.

Lefius found a pouch amongst his things that contained a collection of bestial teeth, which he used as bullets in an emergency such as this (page 240).

Teeth make horrible bullets. They’re not remotely aerodynamic, so they won’t hit whatever you’re shooting out, and they’re not designed to fit the gun you’re firing, so they wouldn’t even work unless you were firing an old-timey blunderbuss, which none of them are.

They look at the gate, which is covered in inscriptions they can’t read, and this naturally leads to a debate over the meaning of words and speech and language that accomplishes nothing, except making me feel stupider after spending several minutes trying to decipher Eng’s meaning. Just once, I want a character in this book to start bloviating about something random and another character to respond with “Shut the fuck up, you pedantic blowhard.”

Dennagon reaches out to touch the doors but they automatically open before he can make contact. Inside, there’s a giant fountain made of molten silver. Dennagon touches it and it starts getting much taller. Suddenly they hear the sounds of enemies approaching. Turns out Nomax betrayed them all. He attacks. Dennagon slows him down by throwing his sword at him, which is a smart thing to do with your sword, but it gives Lyconel enough time to turn Nomax into paste with her machine-gun.

Then Technoknights start charging in the door. Cyborg knights. The Technodragons Arxinor and Gorgash are also present, and there’s a big fucking fight scene. Lefius bites it rather quickly. The Technoknights attack with their assault rifles and rocket launchers, which is odd, considering a page ago they were armed with swords and lances, but as I’ve mentioned on a few occasions, consistency is not one of this novel’s strong suits.

The knights fire thousands of bullets towards the dragons, but the dragons are able to deflect the bullets with their own firearms. I’m sorry, Eng. GUNS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY. If you try to deflect a bullet with your gun, your best case scenario is you end up with a ruined gun, and the most likely scenario is you end up with a working gun and a gaping bullet hole in you since the gun, compared to the profile of your body, is comparatively small, and why the fuck am I even trying to explain to Eng how stupid this is?

So the fight goes on. Dennagon and Dradicus get blasted outside the gate, and then the technoknights slam the doors shut. Meanwhile, Ballaxior slowly combusts into flames, turning into…

Drekkenoth baronial in dread revealed himself, the ultimate doppelganger and future king (page 251).

Yes! Turns out the enemy was one of them all along!

Lyconel kills Gorgash, but she’s quickly overwhelmed by the rest of the technoknights, who knock her out and drag her after Drekkenoth, who is very pleased with himself, since Lyconel, Dennagon & Co. opened the gate for him and now all he needs to do is destroy the Lexicon.

With any luck he’ll succeed.

Comment [8]

Chapter Ten

Dennagon bangs on the gates to the Lexicon Tower a few times, which is ineffective. Dradicus helpfully explains that once the doors have been opened, they can never be unlocked again, which he knows because reasons.

Dradicus says it’s time for them to just wander off and wait for the inevitable destruction of the universe and their deaths. Dennagon pulls out his sword and says that they can never be separated from their “comrades” and takes a swing at Dradicus, who parries.

So dinted was their scrimmage that both medieval weapons broke upon impact, crumbling into glistening silver (page 255).

That sounds…unlikely.

This suddenly makes them feel like comrades and stuff, which also sounds…unlikely.

“For truth,” said Dradicus.

“For being,” added Dennagon.

Their thoughts united, they both spoke simultaneously. “For the Lexicon Triumvirate!!”

It was an ecstasy of cognition (page 256).

Uh…

Their minds were as one for a moment as they were suspended in thought more pristine than the purest waters of the World (page 256).

That sounds…oddly…

Linked, they shared each other’s visions in each other’s eyes, exchanged feelings without a word, and united without even touching (page 256).

….sensual. Definitely oddly sensual. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

Anyway, this gives Dennagon a brilliant idea.

We cut to the interior of the Tower, Lyconel is suspended in a mass of molten silver which doesn’t hurt her because reasons. Drekkenoth and Arxinor are watching her. They have ANOTHER debate where they’re pretending to be wise, this time about the laws of physics. Drekkenoth argues that the laws of physics are only assumptions that come from established and inductive science. Now, if any smug douchebag were actually to argue this with any normal person, the normal person would say: “Yes, what’s your fucking point?” Because seriously, what is the fucking point? Is he trying to argue that their understanding of physics is invalid, or lacking? If so, great, let’s hear your evidence and get to the bottom of it, rather than continuing to debate the definitions of words, because that’s so fucking helpful.

Instead, this happens:

“So what is important? How do you define ‘important’?”

“How does one define ‘define’? There is ambiguity in everything because everything can mean anything or nothing. Comprehension lies in one’s perception.” (page 258)

And it quickly spirals downward.

Eventually Lyconel asks what Drekkenoth wants and he explains – in a very roundabout and pretentious way – that he wants to dominate all of existence. Wow. What a surprise. Lyconel asks him why he feels there’s certainty in the world.

“Logic, consciousness, causality, a timeless genesis, a temporal genesis, destiny, time, space, spacetime, relativity, macrocosm, microcosm, quantum mechanics, uncertainty, unconsciousness, symmetry and asymmetry,” he listed all the certainties of the universe. “These things are irrevocably constant.”

“Prove each and every one of them.” (page 261)

And, of course, he does. Well. To clarify, Eng has Drekkenoth TRY to prove each of these, and it goes on for some time. I feel like Eng doesn’t understand the point of the below comic:

Let’s skip past it.

We get back to Dennagon’s brilliant plan. The tower is very, very fucking tall. It reaches into the atmosphere. So the dragons are climbing the outside. Hand over hand.

You’d think they would just fly up, being dragons and all, and being able to fly at 1,500 miles per hour. But they’re not. Because reasons.

Back to Drekkenoth, who is waxing poetic about the history of the world. The ‘deity’ who originally created the world didn’t do a great job of it, being inexperienced at that sort of thing, so he made some tweaks to evolution which led to them being in their current state. But the world still isn’t perfect, which this god-being may or may not be super happy about. Anyway, long story short, supposedly the world is naturally imperfect, because if it were actually perfect it would result in the destruction of all existence. Drekkenoth doesn’t back this up with any facts, but fair enough.

Then Drekkenoth plugs a computer chip into Lyconel’s brain, she screams in pain, and he asks her where he can find the Lexicon.

Back to Dennagon.

The winds around his altitude were too strong for him to fly up (page 268).

Bullshit, Eng. We’ve already seen multiple examples of Dennagon flying at every altitude that exists on the planet.

Dennagon does have his spellbook with him, and Dradicus asks him if he knows any teleportation spells.

Over to Lyconel. The computer chip is changing all her neurons to robots, which doesn’t sound like it should work in the way Eng thinks it should work. Drekkenoth monologues that he’s turning her into a Technodragon and once that completes she’ll be able to retrieve the Lexicon and destroy it for him. I don’t know why he’s telling her his master plan unless he’s an incredibly stupid lame supervillain – I know why he’s telling her his master plan. It gets worse:

“Five minutes until the eve Moon rises. after that, nothing can stop us! AAAAHAHAHAHA!!!” (page 271)

Lyconel loses consciousness.

At the top of the tower, Dennagon leaps inside and pulls out a pistol. One of the sentries, Thargon, scoffs at him, until Dennagon pulls his coat open just like Neo in The Matrix, revealing a shitload of guns.

Fleetly, he pulled out two miniguns from the undersides of his wings, tossing a pistol to Thargon (page 272).

Wait. Why the fuck would he give a gun to his enemy?

Dennagon starts mowing them down, but the entire legion is alerted to his presence. At that moment a portal opens up:

Out came Dradicus from the Supersurface Cave Network, where he had just been teleported to in order to stock up on weapons (page 273).

What a dramatically satisfying Deus ex Machina!

Dennagon flies around, cycling through his weapons and slaughtering dragons left and right. Naturally, none of the hundreds of other dragons can hit him, even though he’s one dragon and they have their own machine-guns. Finally the dragons are mostly eliminated and the Technoknights come out, armed with rockets. Dennagon swaps his uzis out for a shotgun and uses this to pick off the rockets aimed at him.

Yes. They are firing MOTHERFUCKING ROCKETS at him and he’s able to casually destroy each one, without a problem, with an ordinary shotgun.

Eventually, they’re all dead, so Dradicus passes over a nuclear warhead. Dennagon throws the nuke into the top of the Tower and it goes off.

Even Drekkenoth feels the explosion, deep inside. After a moment Arxinor bursts in, flipping his shit.

A sudden gust of radiation blew an inch of stone off every surface in the chamber (page 276).

That’s not the way radiation works, Eng.

Drekkenoth orders Arxinor to kill Dennagon, because that order has worked out so well the last five times he gave it. Drekkenoth grabs Lyconel and exits through a window.

Dennagon and Dradicus wait behind a floating outpost for the nuclear wreckage to pass. I admit I’m no expert, but I feel like they’d actually be within the blast radius and waiting behind a FLOATING outpost wouldn’t actually protect them from anything.

Anyway, once the wreckage passes they jump over to the top of the Tower which is probably brimming with radiation. Time for a handwave!

Luckily, dragons had more resistance to the mutagenic energy than did the humans nukes were designed to slaughter (page 277).

Let’s end on that note.

Comment [6]

Chapter 10 (continued)

Dradicus and Dennagon look around inside the tower. A giant orb falls from the roof and smashes the floor. It’s apparently the same orb Dennagon saw back at the Lip of Astinor. If that is supposed to mean something, the context is lost on me.

Arxinor flies away as the orb explodes and out comes a bunch of Evil.

Liquid flesh bubbled. A horrific frothing sound filled the atmosphere. Sloshing, slushing, slashing and burbling, it gurgled about, rolling in and out of its own figure like some species of macroscopic ameba (page 278).

Eventually it takes the form of some sort of remotely humanoid figure. It holds it’s hand out, and Dennagon starts bleeding human blood. Wait, what? It then throws Dennagon against the wall. After a moment Dennagon recovers and starts shooting at it.

The shots only slowed it down before it threw an overhead smash attack (page 279).

Seriously, Eng? An overhead smash attack? I have this feeling Eng spent parts of this book playing an overly violent video game and then just described the on-screen violence to create the action sequences of this book.

They fight for a bit, but the sapiens are basically impossible to kill. Dennagon decides his only chance is to use his spellbook:

Flipping it open to its middle pages, he mightily forced himself to read (page 280).

How does one mightily force oneself to read?

The burst of light makes all of the sapiens retreat. Dradicus tells Dennagon go for it, that he’ll hold them off. so Dennagon flies out the window.

The top of the Lexicon tower is at the edge of space, which is a little odd, since there really isn’t an “edge” of space the way you might think of it. Drekkenoth and Lyconel (who has almost finished her transformation to Technodragon) are hanging out.

Drekkenoth orders Arxinor to check the defenses. He flies up and bangs into the glass [?] ozone [??] layer and manages to break through it. O…kay. Not sure what is going on there, since other dragons have been up to space and didn’t have to break through a layer of ozone made of glass. He then starts flying toward the Moon.

He was expecting to travel several million miles to reach the moon, for his data chips told him that was the distance to him (page 282).

The moon is ~238,000 miles from Earth.

However, to his delighted surprise, he arrived at his destination in less than five seconds (page 282).

I…honestly have no idea what the fuck Eng is going for. Are we supposed to think that his data is wildly inaccurate, even though this book has been making a big deal of how accurately the dragons supposedly understand physics and the world they live in? And we’ve already established that dragon speed tops out around 1,500 miles per hour, meaning that it would take around 6 ½ days to reach the moon, not five seconds.

And assuming the moon is, indeed, 238,000 miles from earth, then Arxinor was traveling at slightly over 200 million miles per hour, which stretches my suspension of disbelief just a little bit.

There’s an entrance in the surface of the moon which opens for him. A beautiful light comes out. He has a moment to enjoy it before it fries him in ash. Well. That’s a little anticlimactic.

The light from the interior of the moon spreads out. Lyconel’s cyborg parts are supposedly too advanced to be be affected by the light, so Drekkenoth tells her to retrieve the remains of the Lexicon. She’s about to, but then Dennagon flies in, because now the dragons can fly in this windstorm. Drekkenoth mentally orders Lyconel to attack Dennagon, so she does, and they fight.

[There’s a brief interlude with Dradicus, who is hiding from the sapiens. In a moment of high tension, something tickles his nose and he sneezes, but the sapiens don’t notice. Then he finds a small bag. Inside is some gold. Unfortunately, the sapiens are also designed to detect the presence of gold, which hasn’t been mentioned or alluded to before.]

Back to the moon, where Eng continues waxing pretentious:

Corridors of solid gravity warped the fabric of space throughout the Moon’s interior mantle. Translucent, they composed a maze network of spherical boundaries that wrapped radial around the core like layers of a fruit (page 287).

Yep.

Dennagon and Lyconel fight. He can’t defeat her, so he flies up, smashing against the glass layer that now protects the ozone or something. Lyconel fires after him, which smashes the glass, allowing Dennagon to fly through into the ‘void’ beyond it. He mentally waxes rhapsodic about having reached space, and then heads toward the moon.

Inside the moon, Dennagon follows the energy to its source, which is emitting a lot of mana. He decides this must be the location of the Lexicon. Lyconel attacks. Her talons are surrounded by a field of radiation.

Incredibly blinding, colossal macroscopic electrons that had been magnified by the limitless range of her sentience orbited around the central energy as if it were a quantum nucleus of mountainous proportions. The gargantuan atom, blown up to the relativistic universe, was a super-charged plasma shot she had been saving for this moment, fully loaded and ready to fire (page 291).

…right. How on earth will Dennagon escape from this perilous trap?

he buried his claws into a chunk of the wall, ripping out a sizeable piece of solid gravity. Positioning it before the illuminated winds, he warped the line of the light rays’ motion, creating a geodesic that bent into a concentrated laser. Expeditiously, he aimed right at her head (page 291).

Blah blah, the laser hits Lyconel and temporarily disables her.

Grabbing Technodragon Lyconel before she could restart her Windows 1201 AD operating system (page 291).

Windows 1201 AD operating system? What the fucking fuckity fuck have you been smoking, Eng?

They go flying in, and Lyconel crashes into Drekkenoth, and they go flying to the ground, Lyconel “deactivated”. Drekkenoth pulls out a giant pair of swords that somehow repel all light. Dennagon pulls out a sword that he got from the Supersurface Cave Network, made out of solid diamond. They square off.

There’s a very dramatic fight scene where the swords are moving so quickly they create vacuums behind them. It goes on for a while, until Dennagon leaps up in the air.

He landed atop Drekkenoth’s crown, jamming his blade into the cranium and scourging off a whopping chunk of the skull (page 294).

Naturally, this doesn’t kill him. Drekkenoth breaks Dennagon’s sword and knocks him to the ground by Lyconel’s body. Quickly, he thinks through his vast stores of knowledge. Then he stabs a claw into Lyconel’s brain, hits the implanted CPU and breaks it, which frees her mind from the Technodragon mind control. Lyconel blasts Drekkenoth in the chest with her giant plasma cannon, then rolls around to shield Dennagon from the radiation. Wait. I thought dragons were immune to radiation. Wasn’t this something that the plot specifically called out, just seventeen pages ago?

Unfortunately, that took whatever was left of Lyconel’s energy, and she dies.

…this would probably mean something if I felt even the slightest interest in Lyconel or cared remotely about her wellbeing, but I don’t. So much for that!

Back to Dradicus, who is being chased by the sapiens. He pauses in front of a window, dangling his bag of gold. He asks the sapiens if they want it, then chucks it out the window.

“Go get it RIGHT NOW!” (page 298)

This works. The sapiens dive out the window to retrieve the gold. Dradicus chuckles to himself about how naive and gullible these creatures are, and then watches as the sapiens scoop the gold out of midair very quickly and then turn around to come back.

Dradicus, you’re a fucking idiot. I hope you know that.

Comment [17]

Chapter Eleven

So Dennagon – well’s let’s clarify, since the book’s naming scheme is incredibly annoying and confusing for people.

Dennagon is the “hero” for this book.

Dradicus is one of the Companions Lyconel assembled.

Drekkenoth is the Evil Bad Guy.

Dennagon takes a moment to mourn for Lyconel. He thinks about how she was constantly thinking and dreaming and answering questions, even though we haven’t seen any evidence of that. Eng then really hones in on the emotion within the scene, letting us experience the pain of a comrade’s passing alongside Dennagon:

In her constant search for certitude, she had deceased without an answer, falling with the same uncertainty that impelled her every contemplation (page 299).

So moving.

Our hero continues inside to the central core.

The intense light harrowed him, flaying his metal plate armor off his body with every step he took, but he did not back down (299).

Light intense enough to flay plate metal would also be enough to cause him lethal harm in a very short time frame. This doesn’t happen.

We skip forward to a room with mechanized parts and circuits and computers covering everything. In the middle of the room, a mobius strip is spinning and emitting silver rays, which is…weird. Dennagon pops in, exhausted and in severe pain, and asks his two remaining questions:

“What is this place? When am I?” (page 301)

Which is…odd, really. Were I in that situation, I’d probably ask “What is the true purpose of the Lexicon?” and “What the fucking fuck is going on?”, but probably not in that order. Asking what place you’re in and when you are seems pretty pointless, especially since someone might respond “A room. And right now.”

The place does seem familiar, though, like he’s visited it in his dreams, and Dennagon has a feeling the Lexicon is somewhere in the chamber. He spots a book hovering in the center of the spinning mobius strip.

“The Lexicon,” he said, mystified. “That must be it.” (page 301)

Really? You don’t say? You’re searching for something called a LEXICON and you see a book hovering in midair inside a spinning glowing mobius strip, and that mystifies you, but you still think that’s gotta be it?

A few bad desert metaphors later, Dennagon heads toward it, but all the frozen technodragons in the room come to life and attack. It plays out like a badly choreographed professional wrestling match:

He kicked it away with a roundhouse jump kick (page 302).

As it struggled in midair, he leapt on top of it, crashing down all his bodyweight (page 302).

He then sized ity by the legs, jerked it down under his legs, and pile drove it back to to the ground (page 302).

Dennagon somersaulted over it, landed on its length neck, and wrested his talons around its skull (page 302).

Dennagon hurtled himself straight into the walls and floor, crushing his enemies with every collision. (page 303)

Eventually he defeats them all and makes his way to the Lexicon and touches it with the power of the Key. It opens, and…

The first page was blank. [snip] Perplexed, he flipped through the entire tome, letting countless papers rip past his vision, not a single one possessing any lettering, symbols, or understandable type of communication. [snip] Finally, he reached the back cover. The tome slammed itself shut, denying the Key of ever opening it again (page 304).

HAHAHAHAAHHAHHAHAAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAH.

That’s…quite possibly the first moment in this entire book that I have genuinely liked, Eng. Well done. It only took you three hundred plus pages.

Dennagon is a little upset and has a pissy fit. He’s finally aware that there is no meaning to life…except to die. Then a portal opens and he sees mutilated dragon figure who is Drekkenoth. Drekkenoth begins to transform with strings of flesh popping out across his body and forming heads. He’s essentially turning himself into a hundred-headed hydra. Which hasn’t been foreshadowed at all in any way. Kind of an evil deus ex machina, come to think of it.

They fight. It’s a bit like a scene out of the Matrix. It’s actually a LOT like a scene out of the Matrix. Dennagon is diving around in the literary equivalent of slow motion while he fights a giant Sentinel-like being:

Busting apart even more brains, he created a splurge of cerebral matter in the air, befogging his enemy’s visions in order to sever even more necks (page 307).

Naturally, now that Drekkenoth has a lot of heads, he’s suddenly incompetent. Dennagon slices off heads like he’s chopping parsley, until he’s triple-headbutted.

Alas, three craniums came for him, triple-headbutting him (page 308).

The blow knocks him backward and he slides across the floor until he crashes into the mobius strip, which breaks.

Divine epochs and millennia of existence broke at the simple collision induced by that mere battle. Linear time bent upon itself, worldlines knotting around their own spacetime like splattered murals of temporal flow. Everything in the fourth dimension collapsed upon itself as light would around a black hole, and the essence of infinity’s ire spread through the entire chamber (page 309).

How the fuck can a period of time be divine? What is the mention of the fourth dimension supposed to mean to us since it’s never been discussed before? How does the concept of infinity have anger?

Drekkenoth looks at his watch and says there’s only one minute until detonation, whatever that is. He grabs Dennagon, exposits that he’s going to kill him, and starts squeezing. Dennagon struggles. His spine breaks. And then…

Dennagon, seeker of the Lexicon and omniscience absolute, perished in the grasp of his enemy (page 309).

FUCKIN’ A!

I have never been so happy in my life. What a brilliant ending. Just kill all of the “good” characters that no readers actually give a shit about, and have this deliciously cold downer ending.

…wait, there’s more text after this.

Dammit.

Drekkenoth tosses the corpse aside and peaces out.

…and there’s still more text.

Dennagon’s body lay still and cold. However, sentience was always separate from the physical forms that bound all creatures, and he could yet dream whilst his soma was deceased (page 310).

Of course. He dreams about a place where space and time are the same where all possible moments in the universe are…the Omnitemporal realm. His “cognizance” flies around bumping into stringy grass which grants him lots of knowledge.

Thoughts showered his mind in a supreme brainstorm that neither washed nor sullied his mind, but rather, enlightened it to a new level of cognition (page 311).

And what, really, is more dramatically satisfying than that? Not a character being forced to actually learn from his mistakes, or discover a cognitive flaw in his thinking through self-reflection, or not even a montage of Dennagon studying at the library over a period of months. Nope, he touches some grass and now he’s smarter!

He plucks a blade of grass and sees it’s covered in circuits, making it (I can only assume) Technograss. He tries to see farther – and we get a Wall of Text where everything becomes clear, by which I mean nothing becomes clear, because this is Eng vomiting words onto the page

The realm was a multiverse of timelines. The veins were worldlines. Linear tracks of three-dimensional hyperplaces that composed chains of destiny upon which the entire World was bound (page 312).

And he knows this…how? Oh, right, he’s smarter than us now.

Dennagon realizes there’s an infinite number of universes, which makes them all meaningless, for some reason. He doesn’t bother to stop and ponder this, or have an existential crisis because he’s realized all of life is meaningless. It doesn’t take him more than another second to decide that since he’s conscious, there’s something to believe in. Wait, what? How does that follow? If you’re conscious, it means you’re aware of your existence, your thoughts, and surroundings. Being aware of your existence doesn’t mean that existence has a Purpose, and it certainly doesn’t give you Something to Believe in.

For a book that tries desperately hard to be important and pretentious and to discuss the big questions in life, it is stunning how few conclusions are drawn. Eng’s characters have fancy, incomprehensible conversations using many-syllable words and the end result is absolutely jack shit. They don’t learn lessons or gain a deeper understanding of the universe. Nothing happens. They argue until they get interrupted and have a fight scene.

Dennagon wants to understand Ultimate Reality. So he stares at the blakes of grass and sees darkened points of light, which sounds…ironic.

Existence was defined only by what a consciousness could observe, and therefore, any fantasy was equally real. This was his last dream, his final fantasy (page 313).

This is idiotic.

I don’t want to dive too far down the philosophic rabbit hole with this, since there’s no end to where you can go when you want to doubt everything, but let’s be clear: there is a world of difference between something observable, such as a lunchbox, and a hallucination from someone on LSD. And there are many, many things we can do, as rational agents, to distinguish between the two. And did Eng really just write the words “final fantasy”?

Nothingness flutters around him, which makes me wonder how he knows it’s there.

With tendrils of ephemeral aether, the random points hooked up to his brain (page 314).

Yeah. He bounces around through the multiverse, and eventually pops into a world where Drekkenoth (Evil Bad Dragon) who is gloating about his recent victory and planning to destroy the humans and take the Gateway of Time, whatever the fuck that is.

Dennagon pops up behind him, and Drekkenoth turns around.

“No,” he refused. “You’ll die!”

Lifting a monumental plasma cannon from his circuit augmented body, he fired his stellar-powered pistons (page 315).

I’m not sure how you fire a piston, but I hope that’s explained in the sequel. Anyway, it doesn’t kill Dennagon:

Instead of detonating, however, his crystals began to meld with the cosmic forces, uniting to fuse glorious wires of pure mana into his eternally diamond nervous system. when it was all cleared, he was not annihilated. He was one with all, and all with one (pages 315-316).

So now he’s one of the Four Musketeers?

Drekkenoth attacks, flailing around with his swords. This would be enough to kill pretty much anything, Eng explains, but Dennagon effortlessly avoids them, tells Drekkenoth that he’s obsolete, and knocks him backward. Dennagon generates a ball of light and hadokens it at Drekkenoth, who screams and starts losing his heads. Dennagon flies toward him at the speed of light [!] and punches him through a wall, killing him. Dennagon grabs the Lexicon and flies out.

On the way, he grabs Lyconel’s technodragon body, and picks up Dradicus as well before he heads out. The Moon explodes and sends debris everywhere, which destroys the Lexicon Tower. They land…somewhere, it’s not really explained. Dennagon skims through the Lexicon, which he can now read, for Reasons, and his eyes start glowing. And…this magically tears away all the circuitry and cyborg stuff from Lyconel and she comes back to life and wakes up.

Dradicus’ heart skipped a beat. His mind wavered at the magnitude of his astonishment. He turned to the light crystal dragon, beholding him as he was in truth. “He is the Lexicon!” he declared. “He is the Lexicon!” (page 321)

No. He’s holding the Lexicon.

Lyconel strokes Dennagon’s face and says she knew they’d meet again. It’s very romantic.

High above the planet, they kissed under the star-speckled night (page 321).

That’s about it. He takes a moment to ponder everything that he’s learned and what the Lexicon has taught him:

“There will always be dreams, and there will always be fantasies. I am in everything and everything is in me.” (page 322)

Wait…that’s it?

“I am the Lexicon.” (page 322)

Oh. Okay. That makes a lot more sense, especially since that’s the end of the book.

I need a drink.

Comment [11]

I should probably begin by explaining that I really have no idea what I’m getting myself into. I haven’t read this book and I know very little about it. In fact, I really only know three things:

1. It began as a piece of Twilight fanfiction.
2. It has a lot of sexy scenes and BDSM.
3. The BDSM community, if there is such a thing, absolutely hates it.
4. The quality of writing, from the few excerpts I have seen, could be charitably described as “very bad.”

Okay, four things.

Typically, when I spork something, I don’t read ahead – I read and spork simultaneously, which I think keeps the chapter fresh, and also allows me to make predictions and to experience the novel for the very first time. I’ll be doing the same for this work of art.

The dedication page reads: For Niall, the master of my universe. Niall is the name of James’ husband, which is simultaneously sweet, and reveals quite a bit about the author’s fantasies.

Incidentally, James has admitted that a lot of the contents of this book are her fantasies, which is just great. At least she’s being honest.

Chapter One

We begin with our heroine who is looking into the mirror trying to tame her ‘unruly hair’. And, like most people do when they look into the mirror, she describes herself to us:

I roll my eyes in exasperation and gaze at the pale, brown-haired girl with blue eyes too big for her face staring back at me, and give up. (page 3).

Okay, so she doesn’t think of herself as being very attractive. Bella Swan, anyone?

Oh yeah – this book is written in first person present tense. I don’t have a problem with first person – I hate writing in first person, but I have enjoyed plenty of books written that way. I do cordially dislike present tense, but I’m open-minded. Maybe the present tense will make the scenes of erotica all the more real.

I just shuddered.

We learn that our as yet unnamed main character is a student and finals are next week. Her roommate, named Kate, is the editor of the student newspaper. After nine months, Kate managed to secure an interview with some “mega-industrial tycoon” in Seattle. Apparently he’s a benefactor of their university, which I guess explains why he’s willing to give a student newspaper an interview.

But….(coincidence alert) Kate is extremely sick, and so now our heroine has to drive 165 miles to Seattle to do the interview for her. Holy fuck. 165 miles. Okay. Time out. You do realize there’s this incredible new invention that has actually been around for a few years? It’s called a telephone. And contrary to what TV will have you believe, reporters frequently conduct telephone interviews – very commonly, when their subjects live 165 miles away.

Anyway, Kate has given our heroine her voice recorder and a list of questions to ask. So really, the heroine is being given a task that a well-trained parrot would be capable of. Why is Kate sending her? Doing an interview is a lot more complicated than just reading a list of questions, and I know this because I’ve worked as a reporter.

Of course, if it had taken me nine months to score an interview, I don’t care how sick I was, I’d make that damn interview, unless I was actively in the process of shooting liquid from my body, from one end or the other. And, if I wasn’t able to make it, I’d send another reporter, not my fucking roommate.

Still. James needs to get our heroine and this CEO together. So. She sets off from Vancouver, driving Kate’s car, and arrives. It’s a big shiny intimidating building. As she gets inside, she introduces herself as…Anastasia Steele. What a unique name. Almost as unique as ‘Isabella’.

The elevator whisks me at terminal velocity to the twentieth floor (page 5).

I don’t think you know what terminal velocity means.

She gets up top and chills out while a couple of blonde underlings get her a glass of ice water and she waits for Grey to be available. This sequence isn’t badly written, actually, as we get a good sense of Anastasia’s nervousness.

After a bit, the door opens and an attractive black man leaves.

“Mr. Grey will see you now, Miss Steele. Do go through,” Blonde Number Two says (page 7).

Sorry, James, but over here in America, we don’t use the word “do” in that way. I understand it’s hard to write for characters from a different country, but maybe you could set your story in England, rather than the Pacific Northwest. Especially since it’s only set in the Pacific Northwest because this was originally Twilight fanfiction.

Alternately, have your editor look for and excise that shit. That’s part of their job.

Anastasia goes inside and immediately trips and falls on her hands and knees. She’s clumsy! What a Bella Swan trait!

Christian Grey offers her his hand. He’s very young, and very attractive.

In a daze, I place my hand in his and we shake. As our fingers touch, I feel an odd exhilarating shiver run through me (page 8).

Romance!

Anastasia explains that Kate was indisposed so she came instead. They go over to the couch and chairs to sit down, and she admires the décor.

Apart from the paintings, the rest of the office is cold, clean, and clinical. I wonder if it reflects the personality of the Adonis who sinks gracefully into one of the white leather chairs opposite me (page 8).

Adonis. Isn’t that Meyer’s favorite adjective for Edward?

She sets up the recorder, which causes her some trouble, because she’s so nervous. Fair enough. I actually really don’t mind most of the writing so far. It’s not exactly what I would call ‘good’, but we do get a nice sense of Anastasia’s nervousness, which is perfectly natural during this type of situation.

The interview begins, and she asks him about his success. Grey explains he’s a people person:

“Business is all about people, Miss Steele, and I’m very good at judging people. I know how they tick, what makes them flourish, what inspires them, and how to incentivize them.” (page 10)

Nobody uses that word. Incentivize? Really, James? Really?

“I make decisions based on logic and facts. I have a natural gut instinct that can spot and nurture a good solid idea and good people.” (page 10)

Maybe this is just me, but logic and facts and gut instincts are not the same thing.

“Maybe you’re just lucky.” This isn’t on Kate’s list – but he’s so arrogant (page 10).

Hmmm…sorry, but I don’t agree. True, Grey did point out some things that he was good at, but ultimately, what he just said was that he’s good at hiring and motivating good people. Opinions may differ on whether that statement is arrogant, but what he is saying is that the reason his company is a success is because of the people who work for him, which is pretty much the complete opposite of arrogance.

Grey explains he has the right people working for him and he knows how to direct their energies. So Anastasia calls him a control freak. Right. So a boss directing his employees on how to make his company succeed is a control freak. That makes total sense.

Anastasia is kind of a bitch.

Why does he have such an unnerving effect on me? His overwhelming good looks maybe? The way his eyes blaze at me? The way he strokes his index finger against his lower lip? I wish he’d stop doing that (page 10).

The fact that he’s a vampire?

He talks about his power, and then we get this exchange:

“Don’t you have a board to answer to?” I ask, disgusted.

“I own my company. I don’t have to answer to a board.” (page 11)

Hmmm. I distinctly recall James mentioning that his company was incorporated. I don’t know a lot about corporations, but I’m pretty sure all of them have a board of directors.

Blah blah, we get a few more questions, and Grey explains the reason he gave the interview was because Kate wouldn’t stop pestering him.

That’s why I’m sitting here squirming uncomfortably under his penetrating gaze, when should be studying for my exams (page 12).

1. What is it with authors who use ‘penetrating’ so often?
2. It’s called ‘finals’, James. In a pinch, ‘tests’. We don’t use ‘exams’ over here in the uncultured, backwater United States.

We get another page and a half of questioning that isn’t remotely interesting, and then Anastasia asks him if he’s gay. Because it’s on the list of questions. What the fuck is Kate, and by extension Anastasia’s, problems? I don’t care who you are interviewing, randomly asking someone about their sexual orientation or identity is not okay – especially not in this context.

Grey realizes she’s just reading the questions, and Anastasia explains she doesn’t even work at the paper. Wow. She doesn’t even have a bit of reporting experience. Kate is an appallingly bad reporter.

One of Grey’s underlings pops in and says he has another meeting in two minutes, but Grey informs the underling to cancel his next meeting because he’s not finished. Clearly, Anastasia is just too beguiling.

Grey starts asking questions. He continues to be attractive, and Anastasia swallows for the 4th or 5th time this chapter. We get another mention of his penetrating gaze, which is special, and then Grey mentions they have an excellent internship program. Anastasia is confused because she’s not sure if he is offering her a job.

The interview ends and Anastasia packs her stuff up. Grey’s gaze is stern and authoritative, his eyes narrow, he’s polite, he’s voice could be a challenge or a threat…we really don’t know. What we do know is that she is paying an awful lot of attention to it. I wonder of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey will hook up before this book ends?

Okay, I lied. I do know a little bit about what happens in this book.

Moving with lithe athletic grace to the door, he opens it wide (page 15).

Grey is so awesome.

Outside, the blonde underling fetches her jacket, and Grey helps her put it on.

Grey places his hands for a moment on my shoulders. I gasp at the contact (page 16).

As would anyone, I think.

He waits with her, at the elevator. Finally, it arrives, and she gets aboard..

He really is very, very good-looking (page 16).

Naturally.

And…chapter ends.

To recap: Anastasia is a judgmental bitch, Christian Grey is a young, rich, and ridiculously attractive man, and James doesn’t know how to write American characters.

Comment [41]

Chapter Two

Part of me doesn’t want to spend this spork pointing out the obvious similarities between this and Twilight, because obviously there are similarities, this is Twilight fanfiction! On the other hand, I think that if someone was going to write fanfiction and then change everything and re-release it as an original novel, they shouldn’t. But, if they did, they should at least make some effort to…I dunno, make it their own?

So I will.

Anastasia stumbles once on her way outside, because, clumsy. She thinks about how no man has ever affected her the way Grey does. Well. Naturally.

As she heads home, she thinks about things, and how attractive and amazingly awesome he is, but then she thinks through the negative qualities. He’s arrogant, and autocratic, and cold. Really, James. Autocratic?

And this might just be me, but I’m actually getting Pride and Prejudice vibes here.

Anastasia is annoyed for a little bit, but eventually she calms down and turns on indie rock music, presumably because that’s the soundtrack to every Twilight movie, and then she hits the accelerator.

As I hit Interstate 5, I realize I can drive as fast as I want (page 18).

If you want a ticket, that is. It’s crawling with cops.

When she gets home, Kate immediately starts asking Anastasia about what happened, which annoys her because it’s an inquisition. Well, to be fair, this interview was supposedly a big deal, I would expect to be quizzed by the roommate who actually sent you on the trip. Anyway, Anastasia complains that Kate didn’t give her a basic bio on Grey.

Kate clamps a hand to her mouth. “Jeez, Ana, I’m sorry – I didn’t think.” (page 19)

Kate is a terrible reporter.

Anastasia gives her the recorder and heads off to her shift at Clayton’s, the hardware store where she works. Later, when she gets home, Kate continues to ask her questions, which make Anastasia nervous.

I realize I’m biting my lip (page 20).

Right.

Kate keeps quizzing her, and we learn that Anastasia has never been interested in a man before, which, color me shocked. Anastasia is pissed that she had to ask whether he was gay:

“I was mortified, and he was pissed to be asked, too.” (page 21)

Nobody uses ‘mortified’, James.

We skip ahead and learn that Anastasia’s mother is kind of a flake, which is totally unlike Bella’s mom. Plus, Anastasia’s mother lives in Georgia, while Bella’s mom lives in Florida. Completely different.

She then calls her stepdad, who she considers her dad, who is nothing like Bella Swan’s father, because he watches soccer on TV, instead of baseball, and likes bowling and fishing, whereas Bella’s dad just likes fishing, and he’s not very talkative, which…well, that’s exactly like Bella’s dad. But he’s a carpenter, not a cop, so totally different.

The next day her friend Jose shows up. I’m not sure if Jose is supposed to be Mike or Jacob in this series, or maybe a conglomeration of the two. He’s Anastasia’s friend who wants to fuck her but she considers him a friend.

We discover that Anastasia actually has never had a boyfriend before, or really has anyone that she’s been interested in. Because she’s waiting for True Love. Mr. Right. She’s waiting for her Edward, and by god, she’s going to get him.

While she’s waiting she looks at Jose who is tall, dark, and very muscular, so I guess he’s Jacob.

We cut forward again. She’s working at Clayton’s and is very busy and suddenly…she looks up…and there is Christian Grey.

Heart failure (page 24).

Because he’s really hot.

His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel… or something (page 25).

Subtle.

Anastasia, naturally, is not handling this well. Her mouth has fallen open, her brain has disengaged, her heart is pounding, she’s blushing…essentially everything that happens to young women when the man of their dreams pops around. Although for some reason the same thing never happens to the man when the woman of his dreams is sitting there, because he’s always impossibly cool, collected, and in control.

He’s not merely good-looking – he’s the epitome of male beauty (page 25).

But of course.

He needs some help finding things. First, cable ties. As they go, Anastasia wonders why he is there.

And from a tiny, underused part of my brain – probably concealed at the base of my medulla oblongata near where my subconscious dwells – comes the thought: He’s here to see you. No way! I dismiss it immediately. Why would this beautiful, powerful, urbane man want to see me? (page 26)

I think all of us have had a moment where a thought came to mind and we were reminded that the thought must have come from the medulla oblongata where our subconscious dwells.

Next, Grey wants some masking tape, so they fetch that, and then five yards of rope. Something tells me that Grey may have a rather kinky use for these materials. Anastasia, on the other hand, is far too busy trying not to stare at the perfection before her.

They chat and she explains that she’s into books – mostly classic and British literature. I assume she probably has a thing for Romeo and Juliet, because who doesn’t have a thing for that classic story of true love?

He asks her if she recommends anything else, so she recommends coveralls so he doesn’t ruin his clothing, and at that he points out he could just take his pants off, so she blushes, but then Grey moves the conversation over to the article. Kate, as it happens, wishes that she had some photographs, and Grey says that he’ll be around the next day and he’s totally willing to do a photoshoot. He gives her his card. They’re interrupted by Paul Clayton, who is home from Princeton, and comes up to give Anastasia a hug. It’s awkward. Grey watches them, not particularly pleased that someone is putting their hands on his property. At least, that’s the vibe I’m getting.

Anastasia rings him up, and the total charge is forty-three dollars. Just like all the times you’ve bought shit and the total was exactly on the dollar.

We get some great quotes:

His tongue caresses my name (page 31).

“Oh – and Anastasia, I’m glad Miss Kavanaugh couldn’t do the interview.” He smiles, then strides with renewed purpose out of the store, slinging the plastic bag over his shoulder, leaving me a quivering mass of raging female hormones (page 31).

Okay – I like him. There, I’ve admitted it to myself. I cannot hide from my feelings anymore. I’ve never felt like this before. I find him attractive, very attractive. But it’s a lots cause, I know, and I sigh in bittersweet regret (page 31).

Because it was just a coincidence and of course Grey had no ulterior motives coming here.

Anastasia is ecstatic, of course, because now she gets to arrange a photoshoot and then she gets to ogle him during the photoshoot, which is very romantic.

Comment [26]

Chapter Three

Kate, naturally, thinks that Grey was there just because he wanted to see Anastasia. Anastasia points out that obviously that isn’t the case, he’s just here because he’s visiting the farming division at WSU. I may be a little biased because I’m reading this book, but really, Anastasia? A coincidence like that, and you honestly think it’s just a coincidence? I mean, I know you have low self-esteem, because Bella has low self-esteem, but seriously, get a clue.

Anastasia explains that Grey wants to do a photoshoot, and reveals they can easily set this up because she has his cell number.

Kate gasps.

“The richest, most elusive, most enigmatic bachelor in Washington State just gave you his cell phone number?” (page 32)

Okay, James, listen up. People do not talk that way. Read the first seven words of that sentence over again. Have you ever heard anyone in real life say something like that? Have you ever even heard someone use the word “enigmatic” in casual conversation, because I sure haven’t.

Kate says that obviously Grey likes her, and Anastasia entertains the idea and starts believing it just a little. They decide to ask Jose to take the pictures because their normal photographer is out of town. Then Paul rolls in and asks Anastasia out. It’s kind of his thing. She turns him down, which is kind of her thing. So let me get this straight: Anastasia has appallingly low self-esteem and thinks of herself as lame and unattractive. And all three men we have met so far want her. Sexually.

Why does this sound so familiar?

Kate has to bully Jose into accepting the position because he mostly photographs locations, not people. Okay. That was a brilliant idea. You have a once in a lifetime opportunity for a photoshoot with an immensely powerful and wealthy man and you choose a guy who only has experience shooting landscapes. Genius.

Anastasia calls up Grey to sort out the time and location and he sounds downright seductive on the phone, which makes her start gushing a bit and blushing furiously. Kate notices this and accuses her of liking him.

The next day they get down to Portland for the photoshoot. Kate’s very controlling and demanding and setting everything up. I wonder if she’s supposed to be Alice? Or is it Jessica?

Eventually, Grey shows up:

Holy crap! He’s wearing a white shirt, open at the collar, and grey flannel pants that hang from his hips. His unruly hair is still damp from a shower. My mouth goes dry looking at him…. He’s so freaking hot (page 36).

You know, I didn’t think I’d ever read descriptions that are worse than marble skin, Adonis features, and sparkling, but James has actually managed to achieve it.

They shake hands and it’s like a current running through her. Her breathing becomes erratic. It’s a very powerful scene.

Jose takes pictures. After a bit they finish and Grey asks Anastasia to walk with him, so she does, and he promptly asks her out to coffee. She’s a little taken aback, and starts making excuses, but Grey effortlessly handles each of them until she’s forced to agree. Kate, when Anastasia tells her, is a little bit harder to convince, because she thinks that Grey is dangerous for her. Because she’s so innocent.

As they walk outside, he takes her hand. This nearly brings her to climax:

He’s still holding my hand. I’m in the street, and Christian Grey is holding my hand. No one has ever held my hand (page 41).

She’s twenty-one, and no one has ever held her hand before? I find that difficult to believe.

They get some coffee, except she gets tea because she hates coffee. Quirky! She watches him as he gets the drinks, admiring his body and the way his pants hang off his hips and the way he runs his fingers through his hair.

Hmm…I’d like to do that (page 42).

Zing!

After they sit down, Grey asks her if Jose is her boyfriend, and she says no. Then he asks if Paul is her boyfriend, and she says no. He’s a nosy bastard, isn’t he?

Grey tells her she’s a mystery, which I suspect is because in the original version he couldn’t read her mind. He questions her for awhile, and it’s not terribly interesting, even with her pausing to mentally remark on how gorgeous he is. Eventually it gets on the subject of Anastasia’s stepfather, and what he’s like:

“Ray? He’s…taciturn.” (page 45)

Gentle reader, I would ask you now to think back on the many conversations you have had in your life. In how many of these have you heard someone describe someone as taciturn?

We learn that Grey and his siblings were all adopted (naturally) and they wrap things up and head out to the car. En route, she asks him if he has a girlfriend and he says no, which immediately makes her suspect he’s a fudgepacker. Then she trips and falls into the road but Grey grabs her and pulls her back just in time to keep her from being plowed into by a cyclist, which is totally different from Edward stopping Bella from being hit by a car, and then he bundles her against his chest and she inhales and he smells absolutely intoxicating because fuck it, why not?

And then she thinks about how much she wants him to kiss her.

Chapter Four

Except he doesn’t.

“Anastasia, you should steer clear of me. I’m not the man for you,” he whispers (page 49).

Oh good lord. Really? We have to deal with this? Is it because he wants to drink her blood? Or because he likes the whips and chains in the bedroom?

But he continues to not kiss her, and Anastasia realizes, deeply and truly, that she has totally misread this situation and he’s not interested in her at all. Because why else would he invite her, someone so obviously beneath him, out to coffee, and show such interest in who she might be dating? Clearly, he has no interest whatsoever.

Anastasia is fucking retarded.

She gets into the garage and starts crying like a bitch while she thinks over how much life sucks and how silly she is to be upset in the first place. And she thinks about how insecure she is and how she always turns down everyone who wants to go out with her, like Paul, and Jose, and that one guy in her chemistry class…right, so she has attractive men constantly validating her by asking her out, yet she continues to languish in her pit of self-loathing and despair.

Kate, when she gets home, reinforces the fact that Anastasia’s quite hot, but it doesn’t help much and finally Anastasia goes off to study.

We cut forward to Anastasia finishing her finals, and when she gets home there’s a package and it contains three volumes of obscenely expensive first edition copies of Tess of the d’Urbervilles. Obviously from Grey. But Anastasia decides to send them back because she can’t accept gifts like that. Then they head out to the bar to get shitfaced.

Eventually, while in line at the bathroom, Anastasia drunk-dials Grey and starts asking why he sent her the books. He’s naturally concerned because oh my god, who has ever been drunk dialed by a college girl before!? Grey says he’s coming to get her, although how he’s going to do this when she didn’t tell him what bar she’s at, I’m not sure. Then again, Grey is rich and powerful and probably has a whole setup for triangulating cell phone calls.

Anastasia goes outside to get some fresh air, because this is the first time she’s been drunk in her life. Jose follows her out and says that he likes her and tilts her head back. Anastasia starts mildly freaking out and says no and tries to push him away but he starts kissing her despite her protests. And then…

“I think the lady said no,” a voice said mildly (page 59).

If you were hoping for a fight, it doesn’t happen, because Anastasia starts throwing up everywhere. Grey holds her up and Jose slinks off and eventually she stops throwing up and Grey says he’ll take her home. We find out that Grey did, indeed, trace her cell phone. Of course.

Stalker, my subconscious whispers at me through the cloud of tequila that’s still floating in my brain, but somehow, because it’s him, I don’t mind (page 62).

I see that, like Twilight, Fifty Shades of Grey is really trying to demonstrate to young women what positive, wholesome relationships are like.

They head out onto the dance floor, ostensibly so Anastasia can tell Kate that Grey is taking her home, but then he takes her into his arms and they start dancing, which is just terribly romantic. Kate is dancing with Elliot, Grey’s brother, and she’s putting her moves on, which she only does if she really likes someone.

Then Anastasia passes out.

Comment [21]

Chapter Five

We rejoin Anastasia as she regains consciousness in a fancy hotel suite. Grey’s suite, to be precise. This gets us a ‘holy crap’. She’s in her t-shirt, bra, and panties. This gets us a ‘holy shit’.

Now, I’m not the type to complain about inappropriate swearing, except in cases where it’s actually inappropriate. And I’m sorry, James, but there’s just something about Anastasia’s swearing that feels…forced. And unnatural. I’m not sure how familiar you are with the internal monologues of twenty-something American women, being 49 and British, but it’s not ringing true to me.

I glance at the bedside table. On it is a glass of orange juice and two tablets. Advil. Control freak that he is, he thinks of everything (page 65).

Maybe this is just me, but I would actually consider that conscientious, and nice. Neither has anything to do with being a control freak.

Grey rolls into the room. He’s sweaty and has been working out, which earns us a ‘holy hell’.

She yells at him for tracking her down last night, which, to be fair, is a little bit stalkerish. He points out that if he hadn’t, she’d probably be waking up in Jose’s bed. And he says this ‘acidly’. Which reminds me, James is really, really fond of adverbs. Nearly everything Grey says has some adverb tacked onto it, and it’s really fucking annoying, as well as being a sign of poor writing.

Anastasia asks him if he’s going to continue to scold her. Scold. There’s another word that I have never once heard in actual conversation at any point in my life. How about ‘yell’?

Grey says that she’s lucky he’s only scolding her:

“Well, if you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday.” (page 67)

Okay. So, first, we have possessiveness. If you were mine. Implying Grey owns her or has some right over her. That’s mildly concerning. Second, the implication that he’d beat her ass over this. As I recall, Anastasia’s an adult, and is perfectly capable of making her own decisions, which includes going out and having too much to drink.

Have I mentioned that Grey is kind’ve a controlling douchebag? He’s almost as bad as Edward Cullen.

They move past this unpleasantness and he smiles, which makes her forget to breathe. I wonder if this actually happens. It feels like absolute bullshit. I mean, I’ve had girls smile at me, and some of them have been very, very attractive, and while I don’t deny there’s an involuntary reaction which can involve the tightening of some muscles, an increase in heartbeat and blood pressure, I can honestly say it’s never made me actually forget to breathe. Then again, I’m not a virginal twenty-something girl, nor have I had someone as attractive as Christian Grey evidently is smile at me.

Anastasia thinks things over as Grey showers and realizes she feels safe and warm and protected by this creepy stalkerish man. Hooray!

She showers after him, and thinks about how for the first time in her life, she wants to go to bed with a man. But she’s still worried that he doesn’t actually want her. Despite all of his creepy stalkerish behavior.

I don’t understand. Does he want me? He wouldn’t kiss me last night (page 68).

You’d just thrown up everywhere. I’m not really surprised, vomit-breath.

You’ve slept in his bed all night, and he’s not touched you, Ana. (page 68).

A. You don’t know that.

B. If he didn’t that’s actually what most people would call a good thing. Having sexual relations with passed-out drunk chicks is what most people call rape.

She goes out and joins him for breakfast. Grey says he didn’t know what she liked, so he ordered a selection.

“That’s very profligate of you,” I murmur (page 71).

I consider myself to have an above-average vocabulary, so I looked up what this means. Turns out, it means that James is a poor writer with no idea how to write dialogue.

We get some pointless dialogue, then Anastasia asks if he’s celibate. He says he’s not. There’s some more dialogue that sounds like they’re trying to flirt with each other:

“I’d like to bite that lip,” he whispers darkly.

I gasp, completely unaware I am chewing my bottom lip and my mouth pops open. That has to be the sexiest thing anybody has ever said to me (page 73).

What could be sexier than biting someone’s lip? And a synonym for said modified by an adverb?

She asks him why he doesn’t. He explains he won’t touch her without written consent. This confuses her, but he invites her to dinner that night where he’ll explain everything.

He orders her to keep eating her food, because he has a thing about wasting food. Goodness. He’s so…masculine! And what is sexier than ordering women to do what you want them to do?

Anastasia brushes her teeth using Grey’s toothbrush, which makes her feel naughty. That’s romantic. Meanwhile, Grey has an important telephone call. Then they go and get in the elevator. She still feels naughty. And she bites her lip.

“Oh, fuck the paperwork,” he growls. He lunges at me, pushing me against the wall of the elevator. Before I know it, he’s got both of my hands in a viselike grip above my head, and he’s pinning to the wall using his hips. Holy shit (page 78).

I agree, kind of a holy shit moment.

His other hand grabs my hair and yanks down, bring my face up, and his lips are on mine (page 78).

Ow. What the hell, dude? You are aware you don’t need to yank on people’s hair to make out with them, right?

Anyway. They kiss and their tongues stroke each other and it’s magical and shit.

His erection is against my belly (page 78).

Like I said, magical.

They break apart as the doors open and three businessmen get in who totally realize what was going on.

Chapter Six

Grey drives them in his SUV. They listen to eclectic classical music, which I assume was a change from the original version, where they were listening to Debussy. Grey takes a few cryptic calls on his car phone, and finally gets a call from his brother Elliot, who asks him if he got laid. Grey explains that he’s on speakerphone. Shortly afterward, they go inside Anastasia’s apartment, where Kate and Elliot are waiting, having evidently made the beast with two backs.

Elliot kisses Kate goodbye and he and Grey leave. Kate asks her if she and Grey…you know, did it. Anastasia says no, but then again, she is going to Seattle with Grey that night. Kate is delighted by this and immediately starts slutting Anastasia up.

That night, Grey and his chauffeur pick Anastasia up and they exchange pleasantries. Turns out he went hiking with Elliot that day. And, I’m sure, caught a cougar and drank its blood so he could stand being around Anastasia’s luscious scent without accidentally killing her, because he’s a vampire.

They arrive at the helipad, board a helicopter, and Grey starts powering it up. Wow. Incredibly sexy billionaire playboy philanthropist and a licensed helicopter pilot. I bet he’s even good in bed!

As they fly, Anastasia thinks about sex, and making out with him, and sex. Eventually they land on the roof of his skyscraper and head inside to a living area. There’s a piano there. Hmmm. I wonder if Grey plays the piano? [A page later, Anastasia asks him, and surprise! He does]

Grey pours a couple glasses of wine, there’s some boring conversation, and eventually he brings out a nondisclosure agreement. Apparently his lawyer insists on it. She signs it without reading. This concerns Grey, who points out she should read anything she signs, but Anastasia explains that she wouldn’t talk about them anyway. Great. You’re still a fucking idiot.

Anastasia asks him if this means he’s going to make love to her tonight.

“No, Anastasia, it doesn’t. First, I don’t make love. I fuck… hard. Second, there’s a lot more paperwork to do. And third, you don’t yet know what you’re in for. You could still run for the hills.” (page 96).

I know I want to.

Grey says he wants to show her his playroom. So they head down a corridor and he unlocks a door and he reminds me her that she can leave anytime, via helicopter, and she’s under no pressure to stay. Which is momentarily encouraging. Then he opens the door.

And it feels like I’ve time-traveled back to the sixteenth century and the Spanish Inquisition.

Holy fuck (page 97).

Because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition…to be that hot.

Comment [21]

Chapter Seven

The room smells citrusy, which I can only imagine is from the cleaning ladies using citrus-scented cleaning equipment when they clean the bodily fluids off everything in the room.

We get a long description. There’s lots of mahogany that’s polished and expensive, but that’s the least interesting part of the description. There’s a wooden cross with restraining cuffs, an iron grid attached to the ceiling with ropes, chains, and shackles, curtain rods with dangling paddles and whips and riding crops and things with feathers and more. There’s also an enormous chest which I’m sure is full of kinky shit, and an enormous bed. With four posters. A red leather mattress cover. And handcuffs.

There are also carabiners all over the ceiling, although the room is really dark, so I’m not sure how she can see these hanging from the ceiling. Maybe she can see in the dark.

Anyway, Anastasia is mildly shocked by all of this. Eventually she asks him whether he uses the stuff on other people, or vice versa. Grey explains that he uses it on women who want him to use it on them.

She asks if he’s a sadist, and he says he’s a Dominant, and explains that he wants her to willingly surrender herself to him. She asks why. He says to please him.

Please him! He wants me to please him! I think my mouth drops open. Please Christian Grey. And I realize, in that moment, that yes, that’s exactly what I want to do (page 100).

Naturally.

Grey explains that he has rules, and if she follows them, he’ll reward her, and if she doesn’t, he’ll punish her, so she learns. Anastasia asks what she gets out of all this.

“Me,” he says simply (page 101).

Quite the ego on this chap, isn’t there?

He leads her out and takes her out to another room that is a normal-looking bedroom, and says this can be her room, if she wants, from Friday through Sunday.

Then they head back to the kitchen to get some food. Even though Anastasia says she’s lost her appetite. Now, keep in mind, up until this point, I really don’t have a problem with anything in this chapter. There isn’t anything wrong with kinky BDSM sex between consenting adults. Other things, I have a problem with.

“You must eat, Anastasia,” he scolds, and, taking my hand, leads me back downstairs (page 102).

“Sit.” He points to one of the stools at the breakfast bar, and I obey his command. If I’m going to do this, I’m going to have to get used to it (page 102).

“I’m really not hungry,” I whisper.

“You will eat,” he says simply (page 103).

This guy is really kind of a dick.

Grey asks her if she wants another glass of wine. Good plan. Get her some more wine before you continue your discussion about what she’s getting into. After all, we know how well Anastasia can handle her alcohol, right?

He explains that they’ll need to set boundaries as to what she’s willing to do, because it’s consensual, and further explains that if she’s not into it, that’s fine, but also they won’t have any kind of relationship because this is the only kind of relationship he’s interested in. And again I’m starting to feel just a little bit creeped here. James is walking a rather fine line. On the one hand, it’s good that they’re setting boundaries and clear expectations, but on the other hand, Grey has already kissed her (without permission, actually forced himself on her, to be precise) given her a helicopter ride to his pad, and now is telling her that they either get to have a relationship but only on his terms, or there is no relationship whatsoever. It just feels a little manipulative to me.

There’s a nice moment where he orders her to eat, again, and she tells him that she hasn’t signed anything so he can just deal with it. This is lovely. We need more of this.

Anyway. Grey busts out his lists of rules. They’re….impressive. I’ll paraphrase.

1. She has to immediately obey anything he says, sexually or otherwise, with exception of stuff agreed in advance that is off limits.

2. Has to sleep 7 hours a night, always. Has to eat from a certain list of foods. Can’t snack between meals unless on fruit.

3. Can only wear approved clothing.

4. Has to exercise four times a week.

5. Has to be clean and shaved/waxed.

6. Can’t drink to excess, can’t smoke, can’t take drugs, or put herself in “unnecessary danger”, which seems ominously ill-defined.

7. Can’t fuck anyone else.

Anastasia’s response to this is much like mine:

Holy fuck (page 106).

So yeah. This is a bit odd. See, most people who do this stuff restrict the rule-playing to the bedroom. You agree on all the rules and then get into the bedroom and have your few hours of BDSM and then leave the bedroom and go about your lives in what most people would agree is a more or less normal manner. Now, occasionally people go a bit farther than that, allowing the sub/dom relationship to move out into other parts of their lives, usually stopping well short of the gimp chained in a box in the basement in Pulp Fiction.

^ Anastasia Steel in the sequel, “Fifty Shades Darker”.

Again, not saying there’s anything wrong this, if people are actually into it. But I don’t think that Anastasia, who has never done anything with BDSM and, as it happens is a virgin (although, to be fair, Grey doesn’t know that yet) should be leaping into the deep end and allowing Grey to control all aspects of her life, including aspects when she’s on her own and not around him.

They argue about how many days she has to spend exercising and eventually settle on three. Then he pulls out a paper that has his hard limits – stuff he won’t due. This includes fire, piss, shit, needles, knives, piercing, gynecological medical instruments, pedophilia, bestiality, anything that leaves permanent damage, anything that restricts breathing, and electric shocks. Grey asks her if she has anything to add. Anastasia says she doesn’t know. And then…it comes out…that she hasn’t actually had sex before.

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” he growls (page 108).

Because it comes up so often in conversation.

Chapter Eight

We learn that Anastasia’s actually only kissed twice in her life, and has never actually been close to having sex. Grey’s a little upset and runs his hands through his hair and then abruptly decides that, well…

“Come,” he murmurs.

“What?”

“We’re going to rectify the situation right now.” (page 110).

Hottest. Invitation. Ever.

He explains that he wants to make love to her. Anastasia feels the floor falling away and is intensely aroused. Of course, maybe that’s the wine talking. After all, if you want to get in someone’s pants, just impress them with your opulence and power, get them slightly drunk, and then tell them you want to rectify their situation.

She asks about the rules, and he says forget about the rules, they aren’t a big deal, not now, because now is just about making love and not beating the shit out of her with a cat-o-nine-tails. Or something like that. She agrees and he leads her into bedroom and he slowly undresses and then starts undressing her and we get lots of description. It’s incredibly hot.

He gazes up at me through impossibly long lashes, his eyes a scorching smoky gray (page 113).

She has absolutely flawless skin, of course, and he’s absolutely gorgeous, and it’s so incredibly romantic that I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. We get some seductive talk:

“You’re very beautiful, Anastasia Steele. I can’t wait to be inside you.”

Holy shit. His words. He’s so seductive (page 114).

I’ve read more seductive words in fanfiction written by twelve-year-olds.

It continues, and I have to say, this is one of the worst sex scenes I’ve ever read in my life. It’s the opposite of titillating. It’s not even really turning me off. Instead, it’s just…boring. We’ve now had four solid pages of foreplay. FOUR. James is just methodically describing everything as it happens, one step at a time, and sorry, that’s a really bad way to describe anything. You want to give just enough details to give the reader a picture, and let their imagination fill in the rest. That way they’re actually engaged in the story. It also keeps it from getting boring.

The dialogue doesn’t help. Grey touches her breast.

“You fit my hand perfectly, Anastasia,” he murmurs (page 115).

So hot.

We get another page of foreplay, and oh yeah, he has a huge penis, and then they get ready. Now, remember that Grey knows she’s a virgin? Yeah. Turns out he’s just as much of a dick as Mr. Darcy is. See, losing your virginity tends to hurt. A lot. Now, not everyone is the same, but at the very least until you know, you might want to be…I dunno, gentle?

“Hard,” he whispers, and slams into me (page 117).

He’s a classy guy.

So there’s a few moments of pain but that quickly passes and before you know it she’s enjoying herself immensely because as everyone knows, after tearing through one’s hymen the sex immediately becomes really, really pleasurable.

They have sex. It’s absolutely amazing, and then they both have incredible simultaneous orgasms, because that happens so often in real life.

They lay around and breathe and it’s sweaty and he asks her how it was and she says it was amazing and she wants to do it again. So he sticks his thumb inside her and rubs the front wall of her vagina. Then, after a minute, he sticks the thumb inside her mouth.

I taste the saltiness on his thumb and the faint metallic tang of blood. Holy fuck. This is wrong, but holy hell is it erotic (page 120).

I can think of few things less erotic that sucking your loss of virginity blood off of someone’s thumb.

They have sex. Again. And have simultaneous orgasms. Again.

And fall asleep.

Grey is gone when she wakes up, but she walks out and finds him playing the piano, because he’s really good at playing the piano, because Edward Cullen played the piano.

Then they go back to bed and fall asleep together.

Comment [31]

Chapter Nine

Anastasia wakes up and Grey is asleep next to her. We get a lengthy paragraph of her pondering just how ridiculously attractive he is.

I could gaze at him all day, but I have needs – bathroom needs (page 125).

Good to know.

So she puts on one of his shirts, has a tinkle, and eyes her reflection in the mirror. Her subconscious is giving her what for, and it actually kinda makes sense.

So you’ve just slept with him, given him your virginity, a man who doesn’t love you. In fact, he has very odd ideas about you, wants to make you some sort of kinky sex slave (page 126).

RUN.

She doesn’t run. Because she’s bewildered and confused. Seriously.

I’m bewildered and confused (page 126).

Show, don’t tell.

She remembers that Kate is probably worried about her, so she finds her phone and there’s a series of increasingly worried texts from Kate. Three, to be precise. Methinks Kate wasn’t really that worried. Anastasia leaves a voicemail on Kate’s phone, plugs in her iPod, and heads into the kitchen to cook some breakfast. We’re then treated to a lot of text about her cooking, presumably because of how often Bella Swan cooks.

Then Grey shows up.

Just-fucked hair really, really suits him, as does his designer stubble (page 127).

Good lord.

She finishes cooking and they sit down to eat with some playful banter:

“I wonder if we should continue your basic training.” (page 129)

Holy fuck that’s hot.

She’s a little sore, and Grey noticed because she winced when she sat down, so he suggests that they stick to oral skills (although they won’t). This astonishes her, because, well, it astonishes her. She keeps biting her lip until he reaches up and pulls her lip out of her teeth. You know, I’m not certain if this is intended seriously, based on how often Kristen Stewart bites her lip, or if James is trying to make fun of how often Kristen Stewart bites her lip. Based entirely on the dead-serious Twilight BDSM porn nature of this book, I’m guessing it’s intended seriously.

He bitches at her to finish her breakfast, so she asks what the fuck is his problem. I’m paraphrasing of course: that’s what I would say, but Anastasia asks what it is with him. Grey says he has issues with wasted food. Well, naturally, like most billionaires, he must have a problem with wasting anything. So, instead of calling him out on projecting his own psychological hangups onto other people, Anastasia decides she’ll just be careful not to overload her plate in the future and chows down. When they’re done, Grey starts picking up dishes.

“You cooked, I’ll clear.”

“That’s very democratic.” (page 131)

Kate calls, and starts asking Anastasia if, you know, she and Grey did it. Anastasia skirts the issue and hangs up. Then she asks Grey if the NDA she signs prevents her from talking to Kate about fucking. Which is why you should read NDAs before you sign them. And, although I’m not a lawyer, nor do I play one on TV, I’m pretty sure that an NDA cannot legally keep someone from talking to a friend about their sex life, regardless of whether they signed it.

He asks her how last night was, and she says it was good. Turns out he enjoyed it, which was surprisingly, because he’s never had vanilla sex before.

Wow.

They take a bath together. He washes her, slowly, and it’s absolutely amazing. Downright heavenly, in fact. Eventually he gets to washing her naughty bits, which makes her groan with pleasure.

“Feel it, baby,” Christian whispers in my ear, and very gently grazes my earlobe with his teeth. “Feel it for me.” (page 135)

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAA.

Seriously, this is supposed to be an erotic novel? This writing was intended to arouse people? This dialogue, which sounds like it’s taken from a bad porno?

But he stops before she orgasms and then says he needs washing too. Well. That’s kind of a dick move.

Anyway, the washing doesn’t really last long. He has a hard-on that would make Mr. Darcy jealous and after giving him a bit of a handy, Anastasia remembers about him wanting to fuck her mouth, so she heads downstairs.

Hmm…he’s hard and soft at once, like steel encased in velvet, and surprisingly tasty – salty and smooth (page 136).

I’m going to ignore the fact that smooth isn’t a taste in favor of looking at the line ‘steel encased in velvet’, which is sheer brilliance.

The blowjob lasts for a solid page, during which we learn that Anastasia doesn’t have a gag reflex. Which is convenient. We also get two lovely quotes:

He’s my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle (page 137).

Which is almost as good as this:

My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves (page 137).

I had no idea James was also a fan of the salsa dance!

She swallows and that is that. Then they move into the bedroom because he owes her an orgasm, which seems fair. He asks her if she trusts him. She says yes. So he fetches a gray tie from the closed and ties her hands together.

He runs his fingers down my pigtails.

“You look so young with these,” he murmurs (page 139).

Uh-oh.

Then we get about three pages of him making out with various parts of her body. It starts with her neck, moves to her torso, then down to her feet, then…up.

“Do you know how intoxicating you smell, Miss Steele?” he murmurs, and keeping his eyes on mine, he pushes his nose into my pubic hair and inhales (page 141).

He chows down on her lady parts, she comes, they have sex, it’s amazing, and then they have ANOTHER simultaneous orgasm. As they lie there, basking in their postcoital glow, they hear voices from the hallway of someone asking where he is. Grey is horrified. Because…it’s his mother!

Chapter Ten

Grey pulls on some clothes quickly and tells Anastasia that she can borrow any of his clothes to wear so she can meet his mother. He heads out to intercept her. Anastasia gets dressed quickly and heads out. His mother is there, and she’s named Grace Trevelyan-Grey. The narrator tells us that she’s a doctor. Wait. How the fuck does Anastasia know that she’s a doctor? I’m pretty sure that hasn’t actually been mentioned at any point in the story.

Her phone rings, and it’s Jose, who wants to apologize for his behavior. Anastasia says she can’t talk now and hangs up. Grey’s mom has to take off, so she bids Anastasia farewell and peaces out.

Taylor, Grey’s associate, pops in and says there’s an issue with the Darfur shipment. Grey leaps into action with his Blackberry to check emails and make important phone calls. He finishes up and says he’ll drive her back to Portland.

“I’ll just make a call,” I murmur. I just want to hear Kate’s voice. He frowns.

“The photographer?” His jaw clenches and his eyes burn. I blink at him. “I don’t like to share, Miss Steele. Remember that.” His quiet, chilling tone is a warning, and with one long, cold look at me, he heads back to the bedroom (page 148).

Wow. It suddenly feels like Anastasia is in an abusive, controlling relationship. This is Twilight fanfiction!

They get in one of Grey’s expensive cars and head out. On the way they stop at a restaurant. Anastasia wants a diet Coke but Grey orders a couple glasses of Pinot Grigio. And as we all know, men refusing to let women do what they want is very romantic.

Grey says his mother likes her, mostly because she always thought that he was gay. He reveals that there’s been plenty of firsts for him recently:

“I’ve never slept with anyone, never had sex in my bed, never flown a girl in Charlie Tango, never introduced a woman to my mother. What are you doing to me?” (page 153)

Anastasia’s just that Special.

She asks about him never having vanilla sex. Grey explains that one of his mother’s friends seduced him when he was fifteen, and that he was her submissive for the six years.

They have food, Anastasia loses her appetite, Grey is creepy threatening with making her eat. He takes her home, drops her off, and she heads inside to Kate, and there’s the requisite scene where she asks how it was and Anastasia explains that it was awesome. Kate explains how her first time was terrible, which, yeah.

They talk for a bit. Anastasia opens some mail. She has a couple interviews at publishing houses in Seattle. I wonder if Grey pulled some strings?

Jose calls her, apologizes again, and then immediately turns into a nosy, passive-aggressive douchebag. I’m guessing he’s supposed to be the Jacob of the story, since he’s sounding more and more like the character after Meyer pulled a character assassination.

Eventually Kate goes to bed and Anastasia heads into her room. The manila envelope Grey gave her is in her purse.

Do I really want to know the depths of Christian Grey’s depravity? It’s so daunting (page 164).

This is the quality of writing that turns into worldwide bestsellers. Sentences like ‘it’s so daunting’.

Comment [29]

Chapter Eleven

This chapter is exciting, because it includes the contract! Have you ever been reading a book and there’s a scene where the character is reading some boring legal document and so the author just kinda summarizes the important bits through the character’s eyes, and you were really disappointed that the author didn’t just print the entire document so you could have the pleasure of reading it all, in its entirety? No? Well, if you were, you won’t be disappointed here, because the next ten and one-third pages are the contract, in its entirety.

To be fair to James, this isn’t your normal boring legalese contract.

To be fair to the reader, it’s still pretty fucking boring. So, if you want to actually read it yourself, here’s a nice handy link. I’ll just ramble through the highlights.

It starts with their addresses, which don’t actually exist in real life. Personally, I think if you’re going to include an address in your story, it should be the address of a place that actually exists. If you’re not, then don’t.

So there’s some boring legalese, and then we start getting into creepy territory. Like, really, really, borderline Edward Cullen creepy. Man, what is it with me and bringing this back to Twilight?

8. If at any time the Dominant should fail to keep to the agreed terms, limitations, and safety procedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under clause 3 above, the Submissive is entitled to terminate this contract forthwith and to leave the service of the Dominant without notice (page 166).

Uh….but what if…what if the Submissive wants to, uh…leave?

It gets worse:

13. The Dominant reserves the right to dismiss the Submissive from his service at any time and for any reason. The Submissive may request her release at any time, such request to be granted at the discretion of the Dominant subject only to the Submissive’s rights under clauses 2-5 and 8 above (page 167).

I’m finding it really hard to put my furious anger into words right now (I actually just flung this book against the wall), but, summing things up a little:

What. The. Fuck????

Okay. So let me get this straight. I’m not altogether against the idea of having a contract. Sure, it’s not legally binding, but at least it’s setting clear guidelines for both parties and laying out in explicit detail what is okay, what is not okay, and so on and so forth. For a naïve, recently devirginized girl getting into a BDSM relationship with a controlling, manipulative douchebag with issues the size of Mt. Rainier, that’s probably even more important.

HOWEVER.

This is a relationship. Sure, it’s mostly predicated on kinky sex, and in fact it probably is nothing but kinky sex, but it’s still a relationship. And, as this contract spells out, Edward Cullen – sorry, Christian Grey – sorry, the Dominant – can end the contract and walk away at any time, for any reason.

Anastasia can’t.

Yes: as long as Grey doesn’t break any of the terms of this contract, she’s stuck. So, let’s assume that he sticks to things in the contract. And Anastasia – having never experienced any of this before – agrees. And then a few weeks in, she decides that actually she doesn’t like being tied up and paddled and being forced to obey every one of Grey’s sexual demands (aside from the hard limits). She can’t leave.

Fuck it, what if Anastasia meets someone else and decides she wants to pursue a different relationship, like with a teenage werewolf?

You know what, fuck reasons. What if Anastasia just decides that she doesn’t want to do it anymore? You know, that absolute most basic of human rights of not being forced to stay in a relationship that you don’t want to be in? You know, being an autonomous agent with free will?

According to this contract, if Grey doesn’t decide to release her, she’s fucked. Literally and metaphorically.

That is very, very seriously fucked up.

Now, to be fair, this contract isn’t legally binding, and (in this book, at least, it’s not treated as legally binding. Jury is out on the sequels). However: agreements have power over people and they can be used by abusive and manipulative people in order to exert control over others. It doesn’t matter whether Anastasia has a wonderful time being tied up and fucked by a sparkly vampire, and it doesn’t matter if she never wants to leave. In fact, let’s range further and further into the land of what-if and say that Anastasia has a wonderful time, never has any doubts, loves following everything in this contract, and has a wonderful sexy times with Christian Grey that end in multiple explosive simultaneous orgasms, and there are never any negative repercussions for either party. Even if that were the case… we are still finding out what kind of person Christian Grey is. Christian Grey is a person who gives people contracts that try to restrict their basic human rights, and that makes him a fucking douchebag.

This contract is a horrible, horrible thing. And all it really needs is a simple clause:

Either the Dominant or Submissive is entitled to terminate this contract at any time, for any reason, immediately and without prior notice.

Fuck you, E L James.

And if you needed any further proof that Christian Grey is an evil and controlling man, that was it.

Anyway. Moving on. The contract is for three months, at which point they can renegotiate.

There’s some fun bits – like noting that Grey can’t loan Anastasia out to another Dominant, which seems kinda obvious, and that Anastasia can’t masturbate without permission, and must submit immediately to any sexual activities Grey wants. And she can’t touch Grey without his express permission. Here’s another fun one:

16 The Submissive shall not participate in activities or any sexual acts that either party deems to be unsafe (page 171).

So, for example, if Anastasia wanted to go and visit her werewolf friend that Grey is prejudiced against, he could use this clause to prevent her because he thinks that it’s “unsafe”. So really it’s another way for him to keep her from doing things he doesn’t want her doing. Classy.

There’s a bunch more things involving what she will allow to be inserted into which holes on her body, and so on and so forth. Eventually it ends and we get a “Holy fuck” from Anastasia which I’m starting to get tired of. There are other exclamations of surprise, James.

She’s upset and kind’ve angry and scoffs at different things and then begins rationalizing about certain things. So finally she decides not to think about it and to go to bed.

My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old (page 176).

Like a five-year-old interested in BDSM? Sorry, that image really failed for me.

The next morning a delivery man shows up with Anastasia’s hot shit new Macbook Pro from Apple, that’s not even in stores yet. 1.5 terabyte hard drive, 32 gigs of ram…it’s loaded. He asks what she’ll be using it for and chokes when she says email, which is kinda funny. After he leaves, she checks her email and there’s a message from Grey, naturally. Get used to this. There’s going to be a lot of email in this book.

So they shoot some email back and forth. Apparently Grey is at his computer and able to email back almost instantly, which makes me wonder why they don’t just use an IM program. But he asks her if she likes the computer and has any questions about the list of rules and she says she doesn’t really want the computer and she has no questions that are suitable for email and that about wraps things up.

Anastasia is giddy as a schoolgirl because a guy emailed her, OMG. She goes to work and has lunch with Jose and then comes home and CHECKS HER EMAIL. There’s an email asking her if she had a good day at work. She says yes, make sure to call him “sir” constantly, since that was one of the requirements in the contract. And surprise! He’s responding instantly. Good to know that the CEO of a huge billion-dollar company has lots of free time to sit in front of his computer and play email tag with college seniors.

Blah blah, he tells her to start researching, she asks how, because she’s an idiot, and he tells her to always start with Wikipedia and to enter ‘submissive’.

She does.

Half an hour later, I feel slightly queasy (page 186).

So do I, and I’ve only been reading 50 Shades of Grey.

I sit staring at the screen, and part of me, a very moist and integral part of me that I’ve only become acquainted with very recently, is seriously turned on. Oh my, some of this stuff is HOT (page 186).

Comment [47]

Chapter Twelve

Anastasia goes out for a jog to think things over. She kinda wants to run over to his hotel and demand sex from him, but it’s five miles away and she can’t run that far. So she ponders what to do as she jogs.

My research has told me that legally it’s unenforceable (page 187).

So don’t sign it, then.

She gets back from her jog and writes Grey an email that says she’s seen enough and it was nice knowing him and sends it, as a joke. Then she worries that maybe he won’t get the joke. Anastasia sits down and starts going over the contract and making notes and suddenly Grey shows up at the doorway.

He’s just gloriously yummy, his pants doing that hanging from the hips thing (page 189).

Seriously, what the fuck does that even mean? Based on previous comments from female readers I don’t believe that anyone actually finds the way pants hang from the hips attractive, but I’m still trying to put together what James is referring to. What separates Grey’s pants from everyone else’s pants?

He says her email warranted a reply in person. Then he asks her if she’s biting her lip deliberately. God. I am getting really sick of these characters obsessing over each other’s pants and the biting of a lip. It’s getting annoying enough that I’m just going to stop talking about it, so, dear reader, please remind herself that at least once, and usually more often during every single scene together Anastasia is going to start biting her lip and Grey is going to call her on it, because apparently her biting her lip is the single most sexually attractive thing Grey has ever seen, so arousing that he can’t stop talking about or just fucking ignore it.

His fingers circle my ear, and very softly, rhythmically, he tugs my earlobe. It’s so sexual (page 190).

Let’s take a moment to examine these two sentences. They’re very short, a total of sixteen words, but they illustrate exactly why this book is so poorly written. As any novice writer knows, you’re supposed to show, not tell. James is very, very bad at this. Take the second sentence, where Anastasia tells us that it’s sexual. First of all, I think the reader can probably figure out that Grey playing with her earlobe is supposed to be sexual; since, you know, this is an erotic novel. But what is the point of Anastasia stopping to TELL the reader that this is supposed to be a sexual scene? If you’re trying to communicate to the reader what Anastasia feels about his action, there’s dozens of better ways to accomplish that. Off the top of my head, here are a few examples:

• I shivered involuntarily.
• My skin tingled at his touch.
• I caught my breath.

You get the idea. Anyway, Grey says he figured he’d come and remind her how nice it was to know him. Holy crap! Anastasia thinks it over and then tackles him and they roll over on the bed with his tongue in her mouth and her inner goddess is percolating like Folgers brand drip coffee through a brand-new filter. Grey asks if she trusts him, she says yeah, so he pulls out a silk tie that is on the cover of this novel and ties her hands together and to the headboard.

He strips her naked, tells her to be quiet, and then leaves to get a drink, returning with a tumbler with ice and wine. Ice and wine. Okay. He gets naked and sits astride her and asks if she’s thirsty. She says yes, so he spits some wine into her mouth. Really.

he leans down and kisses me, pouring a delicious, crisp liquid into my mouth as he does. It’s white wine. It’s so unexpected, so hot, though it’s chilled and Christian’s lips are cool (page 193).

Because he’s a vampire.

So they do this a couple more times and then he kisses her down her belly and leaves a bit of wine and some ice in her belly button.

“If you spill the wine, I will punish you, Miss Steele.” (page 194)

Because they signed a contract saying – never mind, she actually hasn’t signed a contract yet.

There’s lots of foreplay that gets her pretty much right up to the brink but not quite. Then:

He pushes both my knees up the bed so my behind is in the air, and he slaps me hard (page 196).

Good thing she consented to being slapped – wait. I keep forgetting, she hasn’t agreed to that. Well, as long as it doesn’t hurt her too much or she doesn’t ask him to stop there’s nothing wrong with inflicting pain on her during sex, right? Right?

He slides inside and she orgasms instantly and then has a number of multiple orgasms and they finish simultaneously because, well, why not?

They talk and she says the email was just a joke and then she mentions she has issues with the contract and the conversation turns to Mrs. Robinson, the older women who seduced Grey, and it comes out that Grey still talks to her. Anastasia points out the hypocrisy of Grey being able to talk to someone about his alternative lifestyle, but she can’t. Grey offers to introduce her to one of his former subs, which Anastasia flatly turns down because that would be fucking retarded. Grey then turns it around and asks if she’s jealous, which works because Anastasia is, so she never calls him on the fact that he’s a hypocritical douchebag.

She tells him he can leave, he asks if she wants to discuss the contract now, she says no. Petulantly.

“God, I’d like to give you a good hiding. You’d feel a lot better, and so would I.” (page 198)

Anything can be solved by beating your lover. Good to know.

They kiss goodbye, Grey leaves, and Anastasia starts crying. Kate comes in to the rescue and asks what he did and Anastasia explains that she doesn’t think the relationship is going anywhere. Then she asks about Elliott so Kate forgets about the whole crying thing and starts talking about how awesome he is and stuff.

Later, we get some email between Anastasia and Grey. It’s actually nice because it shows that Anastasia has a little spine. Not much of a spine, to be fair, but certainly more than Bella has. Plus, occasionally she calls Grey out on his bullshit. This email is one of those examples. I wish it was better, but I’ll take what I can get. The highlights:

• Anastasia points out that she doesn’t need a 10-page contract for her benefit, obviously this list is for Grey’s benefit. Well. Yeah. Obviously.

Of course, then we get an example of Anastasia completely missing the point:

8. I can terminate at any time if I don’t think you’re sticking to the agreed limits. Okay – I like this (page 203).

NO, YOU IDIOT. RELATIONSHIPS DO NOT HAVE CLAUSES THAT MUST BE EXERCISED TO REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THEM.

• Anastasia is not okay with obedience in all things
• Wants a one-month trial period, not three. Although what is the point of having a trial period when both parties can leave at any time?
• Anastasia refuses to commit to every weekend.
• Points out that she’s not interested in whipping, flogging, and corporal punishment.

15.10 Like loaning me out would ever be an option. But I’m glad it’s here in black and white (page 204).

If you need to sign a contract stating that your partner won’t loan you to other people as a sexual slave, then you’re probably not in a good relationship.

• Anastasia flatly refuses to eating food from a prescribed list. THANK YOU.
• Anastasia points out that they agreed on three hours of exercise, but the list still says four. Very crafty, Grey.
• Anastasia doesn’t want to be fisted.

She sends the email and get a response five minutes later, asking her why she’s still up. She hits reply and sends the following email:

I’m awake because I feel like it. As a grown woman, I can do whatever the fuck I want, including deciding when to go to bed.

Regards,

Anastasia

At least, that’s what she would have said, my imagination. Instead, she says this:

Sir,

If you recall, I was going through this list when I was distracted and bedded by a passing control freak.

Good night. (page 205)

Naturally, Grey responds appropriately:

GO TO BED, ANASTASIA. (page 206)

So Anastasia goes to bed, wondering how he can intimidate her from miles away. And this is probably beating a dead horse, but if you have to ask yourself that question…maybe it’s not a good relationship?

Comment [48]

Chapter Thirteen

Anastasia gets a call from her mom, who can’t make Anastasia’s graduation because her husband twisted a ligament. After all, it’s only the graduation of your only daughter, right? Anastasia is okay with it, though. Then she receives an email from Grey.

Dear Miss Steele,

Following my more thorough examination of your issues, may I bring to your attention the definition of submissive (page 208).

Which, incidentally, is the definition of submissive straight from dictionary.com, which is handy. Anastasia promptly writes him back and provides the dictionary definition of the word ‘compromise’.

There’s some back and forth about how they’re going to meet up. Grey wants to pick her up, Anastasia wants to drive. I’m assuming all these nonsense is because in Twilight, Bella drove an old (yet awesome) deathtrap while Edward drove his poncy Volvo. Of course, here, Grey has dozens of cars (and a helicopter!) and Anastasia drives an old Beetle, so it’s totally different.

The next day at work Paul follows her around at work asking for a date. Okay, so Paul is the Mike Newton wannabe. Got it.

She drives to Grey’s hotel and meets him in the bar. They get a table and he orders wine and eats an olive…sexily.

“You know this contract is legally unenforceable.”

“I am fully aware of that, Miss Steele.”

“Were you going to tell me that at any point?”

He frowns. “You’d think I’d coerce you into something you don’t want to do, and then pretend that I have a legal hold over you?”

“Well…yes.” (page 216).

At least she’s being honest with him. Not that he’s really being honest with her. Or answering her questions.

“Anastasia, it doesn’t matter if it’s legal or not. It represents an arrangement that I would like to make with you – what I would like from you and what you can expect from me. If you don’t like it, don’t sign. If you do sign and decide you don’t like it, there are enough get-out clauses so you can walk away.” (page 216)

Except, of course, for a no-holds-barred, any-reason-you-want get-out clause.

I really just have one question for you, Grey. If it doesn’t matter if it’s legal or not, and it just clarifies the terms of the arrangement, why didn’t you mention that at the start, when you first gave it to her? I mean, if you truly have the best of intentions –

“Relationships like this are built on honesty and trust,” he continues (page 216)

EXACTLY. So, if you’re trying to build a relationship on honesty and trust, why not sit Anastasia down, give her the contract, explain that it’s not legally binding (obviously) but that you want something on paper so you’ve both set clear boundaries and have spelled out what you’re looking for in the relationship? I mean, that seems like the most honest and upright way to handle that situation, you fucking asshole.

So, they banter a bit, he asks if she’s hungry, she says no, he asks if she’s eaten today. Sweet! It’s been an entire chapter since he was a dick about eating. He asks if she wants to eat here or in his suite, she says here because she’d like to stay on public ground.

“Do you think that would stop me?” he says softly, a sensual warning (page 217).

Holy shit, that’s hot.

They start on dinner and begin going through the list. He says that she can walk away at any time and he won’t stop her. But, if she does go, that’s it. No chance of ever getting back together, or, I suspect, redefining boundaries. So that’s another method of control. Nice work, Grey. You’ve even managed to be controlling when you give her an escape clause.

They talk through the details of the contract. Anastasia is worried about the pain, but Grey explains that he’s not going to really hurt her, it’s just going to be small bits of pain that will be pleasurable, they’ll take it slow, etc.

Grey, naturally, brings up the food, and it being a deal breaker.

“Can I modify it to say you will eat at least three meals a day?”

“No.” I am so not backing down on this. No one is going to dictate to me what I eat (page 222).

Except for when Grey dictates to you what you’re going to eat…every time you’re together?

Anastasia asks why she isn’t allowed to masturbate.

“Because I want all your pleasure.” His voice is husky but determined (page 223).

Yep, this contract is definitely for Anastasia’s benefit.

Anastasia doesn’t want to go over soft limits over dinner, so after Grey bitches about her not eating enough, he says he wants to peel her out of that dress. We get a page and a half of playful sexual banter and then Anastasia picks up a stalk of asparagus and starts fellating it. He twitches a bit, and eventually Anastasia says she has to go, because she wants some distance to think about things. Grey responds well to this:

“I could make you stay,” he threatens (page 226).

So hot.

Grey tells her he thinks she really doesn’t have a submissive bone in her body. Probably not, but I bet she’d like one! Ba-dum-tsh. They kiss goodbye and he escorts her to her car and is appalled when he sees what a piece of shit she drives.

“That’s what you drive?” He’s appalled (page 228).

Told you.

Anastasia tells him he’s not allowed to buy her a car, but let’s face it, does anyone think that’s going to stop him?

She drives home and starts crying because she’s upset, and it’s actually a pretty good scene. I’ll quote some of it:

I don’t even know how to categorize him. If I do this thing… will he be my boyfriend? Will I be able to introduce him to my friends? Go out to bars, the cinema, bowling even, with him? The truth is I don’t think I will. He won’t let me touch him and he won’t let me sleep with him. I know I’ve not had these things in my past, but I want them in my future. And that’s not the future he envisages (page 229).

She angsts for quite a bit longer than this, and it’s pretty natural stuff for her to be angsting about it so I don’t mind much. Although I wonder why she’s freaking about him not letting her sleep with him. Sure, he’s said that won’t happen, but they have already slept together, and he did just ask her to spend the night at the hotel with him.

She gets home to an email from him that’s a little hurt, but he promises her again that he really wants to make this work. So she gets into bed and drifts asleep while thinking about all the warnings he’s given her about how he’s dangerous, not right for her, and she should totally stay away. Just like Twilight! Except instead of killing her and drinking her blood, he wants to tie her up, beat her silly, and fuck her like she owes him money.

Chapter Fourteen

Anastasia has an erotic dream where she’s tied up and sucking on…a riding crop that Grey is holding. Then he uses the riding crop to hit her in the clitoris, which makes her wake up in the throes of an incredible sleep orgasm. I don’t have a clitoris, nor have I ever been hit in the clitoris I don’t have with a riding crop, but that sounds incredibly unpleasant.

She gets up, and her dad picks her up and takes her to graduation. Kate, who’s giving the valedictorian speech because some colleges still have those, is up on stage alongside Christian Grey, who’s also giving a speech. Some girls sitting next to Anastasia ogle and whisper about him, so she tells them he’s gay.

After Kate gives an amazing speech, Grey talks about some the philanthropic work he does in conjunction with the university to eliminate world hunger. He mentions that he personally knows what it’s like to be profoundly hungry, and Anastasia realizes this is why he’s such a Nazi about food. Plot point!

Afterwards, Grey corners her and asks why she hasn’t responded to his emails or texts. She points out that she hasn’t checked them. And it’s been like half a day, she doesn’t point out. Half a day that was mostly spent with her sleeping, then getting ready for, then attending graduation. But it turns out he was mostly worried about her car.

Grey wants to meet her dad, and says she can just introduce him as her friend. But when they get together Kate butts in and introduces Grey as Anastasia’s boyfriend. After some momentary awkwardness, Grey starts talking to her dad about fishing which smoothes things over. Eventually she and Grey get a moment alone, and after some banter, she agrees to the soft limits and to being his submissive.

That night, after she gets home, Anastasia sends him an email saying she’s interesting in coming over, but Grey continues to not be happy about the car she’s driving and says he’ll come and get her.

Dun dun dun.

Comment [32]

Chapter Fifteen

Grey comes over and sees the box of expensive books Anastasia packed up to return to him. They argue about whether or not she can return them. He says that as a submissive, she just needs to accept whatever he gives her. Anastasia says fine, since they’re hers, she wants to give them to a charity to auction off.

“If that’s what you want to do.” His mouth sets into a hard line. He’s disappointed (page 251).

James. WE GET IT. All you need is the line about his mouth setting and we understand that he’s disappointed. You don’t need to show us AND tell us. Get a goddamn editor.

They start drinking wine and talking. Anastasia reveals that she has a couple interviews at Seattle publishing houses and he’s not all that happy that she didn’t tell him, because he’s a manipulative control freak. She refuses to tell him what publishing houses they are because she doesn’t want him influence them as to whether she gets the job or not, which seems perfectly reasonable.

After he asks her about whether she ate, Anastasia rolls her eyes.

“Next time you roll your eyes at me, I will take you across my knee.” (page 255)

Yawn.

They start talking about soft limits. She doesn’t want to be fisted, and:

“Anal intercourse doesn’t exactly float my boat.”

“I’ll agree to the fisting, but I’d really like to claim your ass, Anastasia. But we’ll wait for that. Besides, it’s not something we can dive into.” He smirks at me. “Your ass will need training.” (page 256)

Sweet, so if she has problems with something, but Grey really wants it, then they’ll just save that for later. That’s fair. Also, I’m not sure if James has ever actually had anal sex, but you don’t need training. Just patience, and lube.

…I just realized that I’m critically analyzing an author’s understanding of the mechanics of anal sex. My life choices have led me here.

Grey explains that it can be very pleasurable. He knows, because Mrs. Robinson packed his fudge.

Holy shit… how? I frown (page 256).

With a strap-on, presumably. How did you get through college this naïve, Anastasia?

She consents to the use of different toys, and different types of bondage, and different ways of being tied up. Anastasia gets drunker as they go on and on, but that’s Grey for you. Ply them with alcohol and they’ll consent to anything.

They talk about different types of pain. Anastasia was never spanked as a child so she really doesn’t have a frame of reference. Grey explains that caning hurts the most.

“We can work up to that.”

“Or not do it at all,” I whisper.

“This is part of the deal, baby, but we’ll work up to all of this.” (page 260)

Hot.

Finally, Grey says that outside of the time when she’s his sub, they could try. You know. Dating? Being in a relationship? He’s not sure if it will work, but he’s willing to try. OMG. Anastasia Steele is just so special that he’s willing to try and have a relationship! I bet it’s going to work out for them in the end. Anastasia is ecstatic, and Grey says it’s on one condition, that she accept his graduation present. He leads her outside and it’s a new Audi. Anastasia is rather embarrassed and also a little pissed off, but she agrees to accept it on loan, like the laptop.

He grabs me suddenly and yanks me up against him, one hand at my back holding me to him and the other fisting in my hair (page 262).

How do you fist in someone’s hair?

“It’s taking all of my self-control not to fuck you on the hood of this car right now, just to show you that you are mine, and if I want to buy you a fucking car, I’ll buy you a fucking car,” he growls (page 262).

And with that, they head inside to have sex.

My subconscious is behind the sofa again, head hidden under her hands (page 262).

That doesn’t sound good.

“Please don’t be angry with me,” I whisper.

His gaze is impassive, his eyes cold shards of smoky glass.

“I’m sorry about the car and the books…” I trail off. He remains silent and brooding. “You scare me when you’re angry.” (page 262).

See, the thing about BDSM relationships, healthy ones, is that they are built on mutual trust and respect. Both partners are willing, they understand what they both want, and they’re in the relationship because that is what makes them happy, or it gets them where they need to be. This isn’t a healthy relationship, and it certainly isn’t a healthy BDSM relationship. This is built around fear, intimidation, manipulation, and alcohol-fueled consent.

Grey’s expression softens, they get naked, her nipples pucker, there’s foreplay, Anastasia’s mouth drops open, her inner goddess wants to explode, and eventually she puts the condom on him and they have incredible mind-blowing sex that ends in yet another simultaneous orgasm.

Chapter Sixteen

She wakes up and touches his glorious muscular chest, which makes Grey grab her hand.

“Don’t,” he murmurs, then kisses me lightly.

“Why don’t you like to be touched?” I whisper, staring up into soft gray eyes.

“Because I’m fifty shades of fucked up, Anastasia.” (page 269)

And by ‘touching’ I guess that means when Anastasia puts her hand somewhere on his body. Except her touching his penis is fine. And touching his head is fine. And his hand is fine. And holding onto his arm is fine. And she can touch him through his clothes when she takes his clothes off, that’s fine. And I guess when their bodies touch, you know, when that happens when you have sex, that’s also fine. But apparently if her HAND touches his CHEST, that is not fine. You’d think Anastasia might wonder about this, or maybe ask for clarification since he’s being really fucking confusing. I mean, it’s perfectly naturally for Grey to have some sort of trigger since he was abused as a kid. And let’s say that his specific trigger is when someone’s hand touches his chest. I really don’t have a problem with that, but why the fuck doesn’t he just say “Please do not touch my chest” so she knows it and can avoid it?

Anyway, he asks her when her period is due, because he hates wearing condoms, and then tells her she needs to sort out some contraceptives.

“Do you have a doctor?”

I shake my head (page 271).

She’s TWENTY-TWO YEARS OLD and she doesn’t have a gynecologist? Good lord.

He says he can bring his doctor to see her at her place or at his, and Anastasia decides on his so she can see him. There’s some more playful banter which is playful in that borderline creepy way:

“You’d kidnap me?”

“Oh yes.” He grins.

“Hold me against my will?” Jeez, this is hot (page 272).

Except for the borderline part.

Blah blah, Anastasia rolls her eyes, and Grey points out that he said if she did that again he was going to spank her. He bends her over and pulls down her sweatpants. And remember all that talk about how the pain isn’t that bad?

He hits me again and again, quickly in succession. Holy fuck it hurts. I make no sound, my face screwed up against the pain. I try to wriggle away from the blows – spurred on by adrenaline spiking and coursing through my body (page 274).

That definitely sounds like it’s for Anastasia’s pleasure.

He spanks her eighteen times, and the last eight hurt enough to make her cry out in pain, and she wants him to stop but she doesn’t because she doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction, which sounds healthy.

Then they have sex which ends it yet ANOTHER simultaneous orgasm…hang on, I’m going to do a shot. Actually a double shot. That’s the best way to get through this piece of shit. Doubles every time they have a simultaneous orgasm.

He tells her well done.

I’m so pleased that he’s happy (page 276).

Hoo boy.

Grey finds some baby oil and rubs it into her behind. No, I’m not joking. Then he leaves and Anastasia calls her mom and starts crying because she’s fallen for a guy but he’s so different and she’s not sure if it’s going to work out. This goes on for awhile, and eventually Kate gets home and gets pissed off at Grey because he upset Anastasia again. Anastasia tells her it’s not like that so they share some wine, she asks Kate about her day, and Kate immediately forgets about Anastasia and starts chattering about what happened to her. You know, I’m not sure Kate actually gives a fuck about anyone else. She does a good job of faking it but I think she’s pretty self-absorbed.

She gets an email ordering her to take Advil and not to drive her car again. They exchange some email. Grey says that he’ll get Taylor to take her car off to sell it and get a good deal on it as well. Anastasia says she’s not even sure she likes him anymore, because he never stays with her, and then she turns the computer off, gets into bed, and finally starts sobbing into her pillow.

After a bit she hears a commotion out in the apartment. It’s Kate having a screaming match with Grey, who apparently just walked in and then barges into Anastasia’s room because he has no respect for privacy. Kate asks Anastasia if she wants her to throw Grey – who Kate refers to as ‘this asshole’, which warms my heart – out, but Anastasia says no.

They talk. Anastasia didn’t like the spanking and doesn’t want it to happen again. Grey explains that she wasn’t meant to like it. Of course, after all it’s not like all of this is for Anastasia’s pleasure…oh wait.

She asks him why he likes it, and he explains that he likes the control it gives him and it turns him on to see her in pain. Then he asks why she can be so direct and blunt via email but never in person. Anastasia explains that he beguiles and overwhelms her, which makes him gasp. Then he says that it’s the other way around…she has completely bewitched him, which makes her inner goddess stare openmouthed. It’s very romantic.

Anyway, he agrees to stay, he gets in her bed, they spoon and fall asleep.

Comment [39]

Chapter Seventeen

They wake up and Grey is wrapped around her and extremely hot. Temperature and looks. He wakes up, realizes it’s late, pulls on some clothes, and reminds her that they’ll be together again on Sunday, when undoubtedly they’ll once again get down and dirty.

Grey leaves, Anastasia gets up, and after a bit she writes Grey an email about how she felt:

Well, during the whole alarming process, I felt demeaned, debased, and abused. And much to my mortification, you’re right, I was aroused, and that was unexpected (page 292).

Hmmm. That’s, uh. Probably not a good thing. Generally speaking people are submissives because they LIKE being submissive. It’s nice that Anastasia got wet, I guess, but I’m mostly concerned that she found the entire ordeal unpleasant and didn’t want it to happen again.

Anastasia adds that she felt uncomfortable and guilty and fires off the email. Grey, as we’ve just been informed, is on his way (late, in fact) to an important business meeting but he still has time to compose a well-crafted email response and email it back 19 minutes later. Maybe his driver is behind the wheel and Grey is emailing from his car’s built-in wifi. Or maybe he’s typing out this entire emails on his Blackberry, which means he’s ridiculously dedicated.

Do you really feel like this or do you think you ought to feel like this? Two very different things. (page 293)

This is actually a great question, for Grey. It’s not unreasonable for Anastasia to feel some sense of shame or guilt based on societal expectations, or to feel that she SHOULD feel that way.

If that is how you feel, do you think you could just try to embrace these feelings, deal with them, for me? That’s what a submissive would do (page 293).

So, you know, if these sexual things make you uncomfortable, or guilty, or you feel ashamed of them, can you just, like, deal with it? For me?

God I fucking hate Christian Grey.

Blah blah, she calls him on being in a meeting, he admits that he’s in a meeting and it’s boring, she says she’ll think about embracing the feelings, he points out that she could have asked him to stop and used the safeword, which is technically true although Anastasia is pretty naïve and unused to this shit so maybe the proper thing would be to remind her ahead of time what the safewords are and that she can use them at any time.

They exchange some more emails where Grey is a control freak and Anastasia toys with him a little bit but always does what he says because she’s kind of passive. She heads off to work and after a bit a courier shows up with a package for Anastasia. Inside is a BlackBerry. She turns it on and unsurprisingly there’s an email from Grey.

I need to be able to contact you at all times, and since this is your most honest form of communication, I figured you needed a BlackBerry (page 299).

Why, precisely, does he need to be able to contact her at all times? After all, according to this lovely contract, she’s going to make herself available to be abused by him Friday evenings through Sunday afternoons. About two days per week. Why the fuck would Grey need to be able to contact her AT ALL TIMES? Except to be controlling.

I’d love it if Anastasia threw the fucking BlackBerry back into the package and told the courier to return to sender. Alternately, she could frisbee that piece of shit into the parking lot and let Grey know that she isn’t at his beck and call, but she doesn’t, because she is.

Taylor comes and gets her car to go sell it, and of course Anastasia doesn’t get in and do a few doughnuts just to show Grey what’s what. She and Kate pack up their house, Jose visits, Elliot comes over and he and Kate have loud sex so she and Jose go to the bar for a bit. Eventually Anastasia comes home and finds an email that says she said she would email him when she got home from work, and, you know, she didn’t. She checks her BlackBerry and there are five missed calls from Christian, because he’s a ridiculously paranoid, controlling douchenozzle.

They chat on the phone and of course Grey was WORRIED about her and she’s sorry and they talk and he sounds sad that he had a boring day and this makes Anastasia wish he were there so she could comfort him and the conversation winds down.

“You hang up,” I whisper. Finally, I sense his smile.

“No, you hang up.” And I know he’s grinning.

“I don’t want to.”

“Neither do I.” (page 306)

God, it’s like middle school all over again.

Anyway, we cut forward into Anastasia and Kate’s bitching new apartment in Seattle overlooking Pike Place Market. Apparently this is due to Kate’s parents who must have connections. And are probably footing a good chunk of the bill.

On Sunday she drives her new Audi to visit Grey. He has the doctor there, who apparently is the best ob-gyn in all of Seattle. Of course. Spared no expense.

And he says that his mother would like Anastasia to come with him to dinner that night. DUN DUN DUN.

Chapter Eighteen

So the ob-gyn spends some time thoroughly poking around in Anastasia’s box and they have a nice chat and decide on which birth control to use and Anastasia gets her prescription.

The doctor leaves, she and Grey have some salad for dinner, (with wine, because he wants to do things to her) and then things start heating up. She asks if he’s going to hit her, and he says yes, but not to hurt her.

Holy cow. He wants to hurt me… how do I deal with this? I can’t hide the horror on my face (page 317).

RUN.

Grey explains that put simply, he’s in it because he likes to give pain, however he understands that Anastasia doesn’t, so all he wants to do now is tie her up and fuck her senseless. They head into the Red Room of Pain and he takes all of her clothes off and then makes her kneel in a certain position while he changes into ripped-up jeans.

He chains her to the wall standing up and flicks her a bit with his riding crop, which is kind of amazing, even when he whacks her in the clitoris.

The shock runs through me, and it’s the sweetest, strangest, hedonistic feeling (page 323).

It goes on for a couple pages and he keeps flicking her in the clitoris with his riding crop until she has an amazing orgasm.

I come, gloriously, loudly, sagging weakly. His arms curl around me as my legs turn to jelly. I dissolve in his embrace, my head against his chest, and I’m mewling and whimpering as the aftershocks of my orgasm consume me (page 324).

I realize as a male in my mid-twenties I’m not exactly this book’s target audience, but this writing does nothing for me.

So they have sex standing up and it’s incredible, mind-blowing even, and they have an almost simultaneous orgasm. Once that’s done Anastasia wants to sleep but he won’t let her, yet. Instead he bends her over and has her hold onto a pole and they have more incredible sex which leads to a simultaneous orgasm. So that’s two shots of whiskey. Be right back.

Okay. Back.

Grey puts a robe on her and then takes her down to her room and puts her to bed and she falls asleep instantly.

Chapter Nineteen

Grey wakes her up a bit later when it’s time to leave to his parents’ house. Anastasia gets dressed and realizes her panties are missing and then remembers that Grey put them in his pocket after taking them off (and sniffing them). Then she realizes that he’s done it so she’ll have to ask for them back, and promptly resolves to NOT ask for them back and go to dinner at his parents’ while freeballing. Or whichever the female equivalent of freeballing is. Urban Dictionary says it’s going clamando, which I find rather nauseating.

She heads out, Grey is rather obviously waiting for her to say something but she refuses and eventually he accepts it and off they go.

As they drive, Anastasia thinks about her feelings.

Would I do it again? I can’t even pretend to put up an argument against that. Of course I would, if he asked me – as long as he didn’t hurt me and if it’s the only way to be with him (page 335).

THAT’S NOT A GOOD THING YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

Eventually they arrive at the mansion, roll inside and meet the rest of the Cullens – sorry, the Greys. His mom is a doctor and his younger sister is about Anastasia’s age and ridiculously bubbly and her name is Alice. Okay, technically it’s Mia. Whatever.

They chat about vacations and Anastasia mentions she’s going to Georgia for a few days to visit her mother, which makes Christian flip his shit.

Christian clutches my elbow, bring me to an abrupt halt.

“When were you going to tell me you were leaving?” he asks urgently. His tone is soft, but he’s masking his anger (page 339).

Seriously, for the love of Christ, Anastasia, put him in his fucking place.

She doesn’t.

He asks about their arrangement and she points out they don’t have an arrangement because no contract has been signed yet. Oh snap!

Dinner is eventually served and Christian is pissed and she asks him not to be mad at her, since, you know, there is no earthly reason why any sane, rational person would be pissed off by someone going to visit her mother. He says he’s not mad at her, then admits that he’s actually mad at her. Their whispering is noticed by Kate, who asks Anastasia how Jose was when she went to the bar with him the other day, ostensibly trying to make Christian jealous. It works.

Christian leans over.

“Palm-twitchingly mad,” he whispers. “Especially now.” His tone is quiet and deadly (page 341).

So, he’s manipulative, controlling, uses sex and the threat of violence to get his own way, insists on Anastasia always being at his beck and call and knowing all of the details of her whereabouts and that she check in with him constantly and tell him if she’s planning on going anywhere, and he gets angry when she tries to visit her friends and family.

If I ran this fucking asshole through an abusive relationship checklist he’d score off the charts.

As dinner progresses, Anastasia worries.

Will he punish me? I quail at the thought. I haven’t signed the contract yet. Perhaps I won’t. Perhaps I’ll stay in Georgia where he can’t reach me (page 342).

…I’m honestly running out of things to say about this.

After dinner Christian takes Anastasia on a tour of the grounds. She wants to take her shoes off but instead he picks her up, throws her shoulder, and starts carrying her to the boathouse. Anastasia asks why.

“Because I’m going to spank you and then fuck you.”

“Why?” I whimper softly.

“You know why,” he hisses (page 346).

Of course. Was it because she dared to think about visiting her mother in Georgia without telling him first, which isn’t mentioned in the contract she hasn’t signed? Or was it because she went to the bar with a friend of hers, which isn’t mentioned in the contract she hasn’t signed?

God, this book is hot.

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Chapter Twenty

They burst into the boathouse and Anastasia is freaking out just a little bit.

“Please don’t hit me,” I whisper, pleading (page 347).

It’s like I’m reading a domestic abuse survival story.

Grey is surprised and then they start kissing. He’s confused by her and by what she’s doing to him.

“No one’s ever said no to me before. And it’s so – hot.” (page 348)

He agrees not to spank her, although it’s what she deserves for, you know, not telling him about Georgia and going drinking with Jacob Black. Instead, he’s going to fuck her, but only for his pleasure. She’s not allowed to come. So I guess this will be the one time in this book where they don’t have simultaneous orgasms?

They have sex and it’s pretty awesome even though she doesn’t get to come. And that’s about it. The evening wraps up, she surreptitiously asks Kate to not antagonize Christian and Kate surreptitiously responds that he needs antagonizing because he’s really controlling. Ah, Kate. You have no idea.

As they drive home, Grey asks if he can accompany her to Georgia but Anastasia says no because she needs some space to think about things. They talk about what they want. Anastasia thinks about things but doesn’t actually say any of them because as we’ve established she has communication issues. Her thinking is occasionally lucid:

He’s not a hero, he’s a man with serious, deep emotional flaws (page 355).

They both agree to try more and Anastasia says she’ll sign his contract and he tells her to wait until after Georgia. They get home and he asks her to spend the night so they head indoors and Anastasia wants him to make love to her and to be able to touch him, but he freaks out because he has issues being touched in certain areas of his body.

Anastasia makes a deal that he can spank her if he tells her about his past, so Grey pulls out some balls, and we get this scene, which is pretty funny. He stuffs the balls inside her and gives her a sexy spanking which feels amazing, and then they fuck and have a simultaneous orgasm. They climb into bed and she asks him to spill the beans. So he does. Well. He spills a bean.

“The woman who brought me into this world was a crack whore, Anastasia. Go to sleep.”

Holy fuck … what does that mean? (page 367).

It means his mother was a crack whore, Anastasia. It’s not code.

Chapter Twenty-One

When she wakes up Grey is gone so she wanders out dressed only in Christian’s t-shirt and encounters an attractive middle-aged blonde.

I feel self-conscious and embarrassed by my lack of clothing (page 369).

This is the quality of writing that makes the New York Times bestseller list.

She’s Mrs. Jones, Grey’s housekeeper. Anastasia asks for some tea and scuttles off towards the study, where Grey is on the phone engaged in important-sounding CEO talk that doesn’t really make sense unless they’re skipping from topic to topic over the phone.

His is without a doubt the most beautiful man on the planet, too beautiful for the little people below, too beautiful for me (page 370).

Get it, readers? He’s really attractive.

Once the call finishes she flirts shamelessly with him and says that she wants it right there on the desk. So Grey does the throw-everything-off-the-desk move, whips the condom out of his pocket that he always has available, and they.have.sex.

Nothing really happens for awhile. They have breakfast and Grey offers to let her take his private jet to Georgia, and eventually Anastasia has to take off for her job interviews. The first one goes well, and then she gets to Seattle Independent Publishing which is where she really wants to work anyway, as an editorial assistant.

She gets in and has an interview with Jack Hyde, who’s one of the editors, and a chick named Elizabeth from HR. Hyde comments on her truly impressive GPA (Anastasia’s a 4.0 student, naturally), which doesn’t really make any sense because if there’s one thing companies don’t give a fuck about it’s your GPA.

After she gets home she exchanges emails with Grey and asks if Mrs. Jones is an ex-sub of his, because when I see attractive middle-aged blonde housekeepers I immediately wonder if they used to be a submissive in a BDSM relationship with their employer. I think that’s the plot of a few pornos, actually. Anyway, Grey fires back that of course she’s not, he has NEVER employed anyone that he’s had a sexual relationship with and he never would…well, except he’d totally employ Anastasia. Because she’s Special.

Kate drops her off at the airport where at check-in she finds out she’s been upgraded to first class. Surprise!

Chapter Twenty-Two

Inside the first class lounge at SeaTac Anastasia gets a manicure, a massage, and a couple glasses of champagne, which is great, except the first-class lounge at SeaTac doesn’t offer manicures or massages. This took me about five minutes to establish via Google. She exchanges some emails with Grey and talks about the cute guy who gave her the massage, leaving out the part that he’s gay. Grey emails her back and says next time she’ll be in the cargo hold, tied up and gagged in a crate. Isn’t he just the cutest?

During the layover in Atlanta she writes Grey a very long email where she explains him spending money on her makes her feel uncomfortable because it’s like he’s paying her for sex, and also that comments like tying her up and stuffing her in a crate is kinda overreacting and she’s not sure whether he’s joking or being serious. Normally, I’d say that’s an obvious joke, but this is Christian Grey. I’d bet solid money he’s made previous submissives travel via cargo hold crate from New York to LA in his private jet while he sits in the first class, furiously masturbating to the thought of them suffering.

In Georgia she hugs her mom and says hi to Bob, the latest model of husband.

He takes my backpack.

“Jeez, Ana, what have you got in here?”

That would be my Mac (page 396).

The fuck? Macbook Pros are extremely light laptops.

They head out to the beach and of course her mom immediately wants to know about Grey.

I can’t talk about Christian in any great detail because of the NDA, but even then, would I choose to talk to my mother about it? (page 397)

Maybe this is just me, but if someone asks you about your relationship with someone and you immediately cannot think of anything to talk about except for the sex, it’s probably not that great of a relationship. Eventually Anastasia describes him as ‘mercurial’, a word I have heard in actual real people conversation exactly never.

When she gets home she has a very long email from Grey which is actually pretty good. He explains that he’s rich, and he likes to spend money on whatever he sees fit, which includes her. Then he apologizes for frightening her and says that obviously he would never do anything like stuffing her in a crate.

What I think you fail to realize in Dom/sub relationships it is the sub who has all the power. That’s you. I’ll repeat this – you are the one with all the power. Not I. in the boathouse you said no. I can’t touch you if you say no (page 400).

This is all actually correct about actual Dom/sub relationships. Except for a couple things. This isn’t an actual Dom/sub relationship, Grey doesn’t act like she has all the power, and Anastasia doesn’t understand it at all. As will be amply demonstrated.

They exchange lots of emails which really aren’t interesting. Eventually Grey mentions that he’s having dinner with an old friend, Anastasia asks if it’s Mrs. Robinson, Grey says yes, she’s just an old friend.

Anastasia is aghast.

He was having dinner with her. My scalp prickles as adrenaline and fury lance through my body, all my worst fears realized. How could he? I am away for two days, and he runs off to that evil bitch (page 416).

Overreacting much? I mean, sure, she likes having sex with 15-year-old boys, but we’ve already established that Grey doesn’t have a problem with that. More to the point, why is she flipping her shit because he’s having dinner with an ex? Newsflash: people can remain friends with people they used to be in relationships with. One of my best friends is an ex-girlfriend.

Anastasia writes him a hostile email, he replies that he doesn’t want to discuss it via email, and then asks her how many Cosmopolitans she’s going to drink. And Anastasia realizes that he’s there, watching her.

This would be the scream moment in a horror movie.

Except this is an erotic romance novel. So, instead of being pissed off that he followed her across the country when one of the specific reasons she wanted to leave was to get a little space and think about things, I think this is probably going to turn into a wonderful sexy encounter.

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Chapter Twenty-Three

Christian comes over and kisses Anastasia on the cheek. She’s a little bit pissed off that he’s there, except that actually she isn’t.

I don’t know if I want to shout at him or throw myself into his arms (page 419).

Yeah.

He explains that he’s staying at the hotel. After all, the other day Anastasia said that she wished he was here in her email, and since Grey likes interpreting things exactly the way they’re stated, he came!

There’s a bit of flirtatious dialogue between them which is a little subdued since Anastasia’s mom is there. Then the waiter arrives with Christian’s drink.

“Hendricks, sir,” he says with a triumphant flourish.

“Thank you,” Christian murmurs in acknowledgement (page 420).

Because we couldn’t work out from the context that Christian was acknowledging what the waiter just said. And we also couldn’t work out that Christian was saying thank you when the waiter had very clearly addressed him, as the only male at the table. James, do not use six words when two would do.

Anastasia’s mom pointedly leaves for the restroom and Grey and Anastasia talk. Anastasia explains that she thinks of Mrs. Robinson as a child molester, which is why she has a problem with him having dinner with her. Grey explains that it wasn’t like that at all.

“She was a force for good. What I needed.” (page 422).

Right.

Grey says he doesn’t want to talk about this right now, and if she doesn’t want him here, he can leave.

“No – don’t go. Please. I’m thrilled you’re here.” (page 422)

Remember how a couple pages ago she was pissed off that he stalked her across the country? Yeah, she’s moved on.

Anastasia’s mom comes back, so Christian excuses himself, telling the waiter to put the drinks on his tab, room 612. Subtle, Christian.

Mommy dearest tells Anastasia that Christian is obviously in love with her since he just flew three thousand miles across the United States to stalk her at a hotel, and he wouldn’t do that unless he was very serious about her. She asks Anastasia how she feels, and Anastasia says she thinks she’s in love with him, because really, who wouldn’t love Christian Grey?

So she heads up to Grey’s room. He’s on the phone with half of an important generic business meeting conversation. Once it’s done they have some hot sexy flirty conversation that ends with

“Are you bleeding?” (page 427)

Which is kind of odd since most men in the U.S. would say something like, “Are you on your period?” or “Is it that time of the month for you?” or possibly even “Is Aunt Flo in town?” but generally we only ask “Are you bleeding?” if there is blood leaking from some other part of her body.

Anyway, Anastasia’s on the rag, and he invites her to come take a bath. They head into the bathroom and slowly disrobe with great deal of incredibly sensual and erotic foreplay. Christian even talks dirty to her:

“When did you start your period, Anastasia?” (page 429)

God, it’s so hot.

Although it turns out he’s asking because…oh, right they’re not going to use a condom. It’s a good thing there’s no chance of unwanted pregnancy even when you think the woman is on her period!

He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string – what?! – and gently takes my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet (page 430).

You know, as erotic as that sentence was, I can’t help but remember something about you’re not supposed to flush tampons. Some cursory research on Google suggests it actually depends on the pipes, types of sewage system, and other factors. I guess I shouldn’t quibble over proper tampon disposal methods.

They have sex and come together. As they bask in their postcoital glow, she notices a number of small white scars on Christian’s chest and realizes that they’re not from chicken pox, because when she was hanging out with Grey’s family his mother mentioned he was barely effected by chicken pox. Which obviously means that he must have cigarette burns all over his chest.

They talk about nothing for a few pages and eventually land on the agreement. Anastasia says she’s not sure she can follow it and pretend to be someone she’s not for an entire weekend at a time. Grey agrees that she’s not really a submissive.

“Why do you need to control me?”

“Because it satisfies a need that wasn’t met in my formative years.” (page 437)

Maybe this is just me, but this doesn’t make any fucking sense. What need, precisely? The ability to have some sort of control over your life? Newsflash, Grey: nobody has any fucking control over their formative years. At the very best, you’re at the whims of your parents, guardians, or the state.

Anyway, there’s more dialogue about nothing, and they have more incredible sex, and finally the chapter ends.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Anastasia has a sexy dream about Grey feeding her strawberries, and eventually wakes up. It’s 5:30 in the morning, otherwise known as ass o’clock, and they get dressed and head out. In an awesome sports car. They listen to music which leads to Anastasia scrolling through his iPod until she finds Britney Spears’ Toxic, which she turns on. Grey explains that he didn’t put the song on his iPod, and after some questioning, he reveals that Leila, one of his ex-subs, put it on. And he ended things with her because she wanted more.

They end up at an airfield and Anastasia realizes they’re going gliding because she can instantly recognize a gliding field from a location that doesn’t say anything about gliding on the signs.

Blah blah, they get strapped in, take off, release from the actual plane, and have a magical glide back down to the ground. You know, it’s weird that Grey is so ridiculously protective of Anastasia but also takes her out gliding. What next, chainsaw juggling?

They kiss passionately until Grey lets her know what’s really on his mind:

“Breakfast,” he whispers, making it sound deliciously erotic (page 455).

What’s more erotic than breakfast?

So they go to IHOP. Yes, IHOP. Inside, they flirt a bit, the waitress comes over and is immediately overcome by the attractiveness of Christian. He orders food for them both because Anastasia only wants what he wants, and eventually the conversation turns to the changing dynamics between them, and the fact that they both want an actual relationship, as well as lots of sex.

Breakfast is uninteresting and so is the rest of the day. Anastasia’s mom wants to have a dinner party for Christian and they prepare for it but he has to go back to Seattle. On the other hand…SIP, Seattle Independent Publishing, calls Anastasia and offers her the job – a salaried position! How fucking awesome is that? The first place she applied after graduating from college, which is also her dream job, has hired her!

Chapter Twenty-Five

Anastasia’s mom tells her she needs to follow her heart and enjoy herself and Anastasia cries just a little bit.

She gives me her most endearing, motherly, absolute-unconditional-love smile, and I marvel at the love I feel for this woman as we hug again (page 471).

She’s your mom, you twat. You don’t need to marvel at the fact that you love her.

Anastasia gets on the plane and ponders her relationship with Grey. She realizes that she needs him to love her.

because on some basic, fundamental level, I recognize within me a deep-seated compulsion to be loved and cherished (page 472).

It’s nice that Anastasia is having what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity to come to the stunningly obvious conclusion that she wants to be loved. Really, Sherlock? What’s next, you’re going to realize that you need oxygen to survive?

Eventually she decides to exchange some emails with Christian. Since all of the emails in the book have a timestamp, James decides to tag Anastasia’s as being at 12:53 EST, and then Christian’s at 09:58. It’s something that initially looks like an error and then you realize she’s being clever with the time zones and then you wonder why the fuck Anastasia’s emails are noted as being in Eastern Time but Christian’s aren’t noted as Pacific Time.

The emails aren’t interesting. Taylor picks her up from the airport and that’s not interesting either. He drops her off at the entrance to Christian’s building and his expression is avuncular. I know that in my personal life, I frequently think of expressions as avuncular so I won’t complain about this at all.

She gets inside and Grey gets off his important business phone call and they make out and then they have amazing sex and come simultaneously. Afterwards, she explains that she got a job, and is surprised that he doesn’t know where, since he’s a fucking stalker. Grey is offended.

“Anastasia, I wouldn’t dream of interfering in your career, unless you ask me to, of course.” He looks wounded (page 481).

Keep this one in mind, because he’s going to interfere in her career numerous times throughout this series.

Blah blah, after they have sex twice he says he wants her in his playroom. Sweet, more sex!

She gets in there and kneels by the door in her panties and thinks about things and whether or not it’s right.

It’s right for Christian. it’s what he wants – and after the last few days….after all he’s done, I have to man up and take whatever he wants, whatever he thinks he needs (page 484).

Yeah. He spent a bunch of money on you, so now if he wants to debase and hurt you, you need to take it. Because He Deserves It.

We then get about 10 pages of them having kinky sex. That’s it. Kinky sex. Lovingly described in excruciating detail.

Chapter Twenty-Six

She gets up and talks to Christian. She wants to know about the contract, and he says that it’s basically moot. Except for the Rules section. He totally wants her to obey the rules but she can forget about the rest of the contract. Fair enough. He goes to fetch the rules and we get a page and a half reprint of part of the contract which we already read but it’s reprinted here to take up some more space.

There’s flirtatious talk and trying to catch each other and then Anastasia drops this bombshell:

“I feel about punishment the way you feel about my touching you.” (page 502)

Grey is absolutely horrified for about twenty seconds because he really hates being touched. Anastasia reassures him that she hates actual pain, not kinky pain, and asks him why he likes it. Grey explains that he needs it. And finally, she bites the bullet and asks him to show her just how bad it can get.

So he tells her that this is what she asks her for and bends her over a bench and has her count with her as he spanks her with a belt. The first one is very painful. The second one is a holy shit sort of pain. The third makes her start crying.

“Four!” I yell as the belt bites into me again, and now the tears are streaming down my face (page 506).

So hot.

After the full six strokes she tears away from him and is legitimately angry.

“This is what you really like? Me, like this?” I use the sleeve of the bathrobe to wipe my nose.

He gazes at me warily.

“Well, you are one fucked-up son of a bitch.” (page 506).

He is horrified and she storms out of the room. Eventually she gets in bed and cries while she thinks about thinks and how he has needs that she can’t fill and how she just wants someone who fits into the ‘normal’ category.

Grey comes in and they talk. She’s freaking out because she’s no good for him and he’s freaking out because he’s no good for it, in much the same way that Bella Swan was no good for Edward Cullen, and vice versa. Anastasia realizes she needs to leave.

I have had my eyes opened and glimpsed the extent of his depravity, and I now know he’s not capable of love – of giving or receive love (page 510).

I’m not sure how she’s arrived at this conclusion since it isn’t actually supported by anything that has actually happened, but let’s not quibble about facts or logic.

After some nothing, she dumps her Mac and Blackberry and asks for the money that Taylor got from selling her car. Grey tries to make her keep all the gadgets, but Anastasia says she doesn’t want anything that will remind her of him. As he fetches the check she thinks about sex.

Jeez – if I’d kept my mouth shut, we’d have made love on the piano. No, fucked, we would have fucked on the piano. Well, I would have made love. The thought lies heavy and sad in my mind and what’s left of my heart. He has never made love to me, has he? It’s always been fucking to him (page 512).

This is despite the fact that Christian has specifically told her several times that he wanted to make love to her, and they have then proceeding with the lovemaking in ways that any jury of her peers would agree is normal lovemaking.

And she leaves. Taylor drives her home. Anastasia starts crying on the way and it doesn’t get better. She falls into bed and starts crying hysterically because she is absolutely crushed.

And that’s it. The books ends. Holy shit. That’s incredible. James was just fucking with us all along! This entire story is a cautionary tale that slowly pulls you in with ridiculously detailed sex scenes and tricks you into thinking this is an amazing erotic romance even though it’s actually a horrible, misguided, dysfunctional, controlling, abusive, fucked-up relationship and then, at the end, cleverly subverts everything by having the relationship fall apart and end in hysterical crying, exactly the way everyone would expect this fucking relationship to end.

…wait. What’s that, you say?

There are two more books?

Fuck.

Forget that. Not in my reality. The series ended here.

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Fifty Shades Trilogy Review

As you may know, I sporked the first book, Fifty Shades of Grey. I stopped after the first book, not because the series broke me, but because there was really nothing left to write about. A sporking is constrained by the source material, and with material as repetitive and boring as Fifty Shades it’s bound to get dull.

Still, I wanted to review the series as a whole to delve into the mind-boggling excruciating badness that is Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, and Fifty Shades Freed. Let’s begin!

I think there’s one question on everyone’s mind, and that is how the abomination that is the Fifty Shades trilogy got to be so popular? Everyone and their mother is reading it, although even the book’s fans admit it’s a crock of shit. It’s sold an astonishing 40+ million copies worldwide, and made the news when it became the best-selling book series of all time on amazon.co.uk, which means…well, jack shit. It’s amusing that it outsold another series on one website in one country, but it’s not like it’s outselling Harry Potter. 40 million copies is pretty impressive, I admit. Harry Potter sold 450 million. Let me know when you’ve sold another 400 million, James, and I might give a shit.

That being said, there are three contributing factors to Fifty Shades’ surprising success:

1. Everyone likes porn.

This one is simple. People like sex. A lot. Men and woman consume it in very different mediums, but it’s one of the most basic, fundamental drives within humans. Fifty Shades of Grey is porn, plain and simple, and it’s a rather unique kind of porn for a lot of people.

2. It follows the Twilight model.

Twilight, which has sold about 116 million copies, is also incredibly popular despite being incredibly shitty. It found its niche by creating a bland, characterless heroine so readers could insert themselves into the story, added an incredibly handsome idealistic man (with a dark side!), threw in a twist (vampires!) and started counting the money. Fifty Shades of Grey is Twilight fan fiction, and it had a built-in audience of every sexually frustrated fan of the Twilight series who desperately wanted Bella and Edward to just take their clothes off and fuck.

3. It’s uncracked The Da Vinci Code.

The Da Vinci Code is similar to Fifty Shades of Grey in that they’re both poorly written, they’re both somewhat controversial, and they both sold more copies than anyone would consider reasonable. The last reason is due to, in part, self-fulfilling prophecy. At a certain point, something is so popular that everyone keeps hearing about it. This causes other people to go out and purchase it. Regardless of whether these individuals enjoy it, it keeps up sales, which keeps it at the top of the bestseller lists, which keeps it in the public consciousness, which drives more sales. I personally kept hearing people blather on about Fifty Shades of Grey until I finally I went out and bought a copy to see what all the fuss was about. But don’t take my word for it. Go check out all the 1-star reviews on Amazon that talk about how they decided to buy it due to all the hype only to discover it was a poorly written crock of shit. Sure, it’s a negative review, but they’re not hurting James’ sales.

Plagiarism

This book is fanfiction, and therefore plagiarism. Nothing would make me happier than to see E.L. James and company be hit with a huge multi-million dollar lawsuit for ripping off the Twilight series. Unfortunately, if it hasn’t happened by now, it’s unlikely that it will ever happen. Still: this is fundamentally plagiarism. James is profiting off the work of another writer. Sure, the book is no longer explicitly about Edward Cullen and Bella Swan having kinky vampire sex, but the characters are essentially the same. This story came into life as Twilight fanfiction.

James and her publishers claim that the original fanfic, titled “Masters of the Universe,” was substantially rewritten into the Fifty Shades trilogy, and that they were “two distinctly separate pieces of work.” This is bullshit. If you write fan fiction and then change the names around to make it unique, it’s still fan fiction, still a knockoff, and you’re still a shitty writer who can’t come up with your own characters and locations.

I wanted to find out exactly how different the two stories were, and happily, someone had already done the work for me. Please do read the linked article, but if you’d rather not, let me sum it up. They ran the two manuscripts through several comparison engines. According to Turninit (a program designed to catch plagiarism), the two works were 89% the same. EIGHTY-NINE FUCKING PERCENT. That’s the difference between changing all the names, removing the vampire references, and a very light edit.

E L James, you are a disgusting sack of shit.

But, that being said, let’s really delve into the wonder of Fifty Shades and why it’s one of the worst-written books of the last hundred years.

The Length

Much of the criticism leveled against the Twilight series is that nothing ever fucking happens. Fifty Shades makes Twilight seem like the most action-packed novel since The Princess Bride. And, despite there being absolutely no plot whatsoever, the series is excruciatingly long. Case in point: the four Twilight books total about 571,000 words in length, whereas the three Fifty Shades books are 621,000 words long.

The Repetition

Unsurprisingly for someone who has only ever written fan fiction, James is a terrible writer. In a series that is already incredibly repetitive, James feels the need to describe things the exact same way every fucking time. Example: her much-derided “inner goddess” bits, which are a rather clever idea in the same way that Hitler’s invasion of Russia was a clever idea. For the uninitiated, it’s basically the thoughts of Ana’s sluttier subconscious. They include such gems as “My inner goddess bounces up and down like a small child waiting for ice cream” and “My inner goddess jerks away suddenly, all disheveled with a just-fucked look” and “My inner goddess is bouncing about like a five-year-old.” It’s simultaneously creepily disturbing and stupid. The first time you ask yourself “The fuck is this?” The second time is mildly amusing, and by the third time you’re done with it. Unfortunately, this inner goddess nonsense is used 150 times throughout this series. One hundred and fifty fucking times.

Still, maybe some readers found the repetition of the inner goddess parts to be amusing. It doesn’t stop there. For example, throughout the first couple of books Christian and Ana use condoms. Nothing wrong with safe sex, right? It’s described the exact same way all 31 times: a “foil packet”. Now, a discerning reader might ask why she needs to describe the condoms at all? Who gives a fuck, there’s nothing sexy or interesting about the act of putting on a condom. At the very least, couldn’t you mix it up a bit? Something like “He slides the condom down his Jack Johnson and dives into me like Michael Phelps doing the 100 meter butterfly.”

Ana has a couple favorite phrases – variations of the word ‘crap’, which is used 194 times and “Jeez” which is used 219 times. Christian doesn’t really have a catchphrase besides “Laters, baby” which I would expect to find in an adolescent’s text message history instead of an erotic romance fanfic. Still, it’s used 24 times.

Like most shitty authors, James has an aversion to the word “said.” You see, any writer worth his or her salt will tell you to use “said” as a dialogue tag almost all the time. The reason is simple: dialogue should stand on its own and if you know what you’re doing the reader will be able to pick up on how the character is saying it. There are exceptions, certainly, but “said” should be used around 90% of the time. Christian (and Ana, to a much lesser extent) are very fond of murmuring, doing it an astonishing 770 times throughout this literary abortion. They also whisper 828 times, which is not a typo. They also like smirking (217 times), blushing (116 times), flushing (277 times), gasping (182 times), saying “oh my” (186 times), and scowling (120 times).

Lastly, some special mention should be made of the title. Most authors don’t include the title of their books inside the book itself unless it makes sense in context. Christian frequently refers to himself as being “fifty shades of fucked up,” which sounds retarded, and Ana uses “Fifty” as a nickname for him, even though it’s stupid and doesn’t make sense in context. Honestly, how often do people use “fifty shades” in casual conversation unless it’s to describe shitty erotica? At any rate, it’s used 66 times.

The Setting

EL James is a middle-aged British woman. I don’t expect her to know what American college students in the Pacific Northwest talk like. However, if she intends to write a book about them, I do expect her to do her bloody homework, and if not her, perhaps her editors? If there were any?

Ana has a “smart rucksack” (we call them backpacks, thank you) and characters frequently head off on “holiday”, which is called “vacation” in the US of A. “Arse” is used 13 times, which we never use. I think it’s the mention of the pram that is most unforgivable, even though that only happens once. A close second would be ringing someone, rather than calling them. And, of course, pain “smarts”, a word that is used in America exactly never.

The Characters

There really aren’t any characters worth noting in this series. Much like Twilight, only the minor characters are remotely interesting. Out of the entire series, I like Christian’s bodyguard, Taylor, the most. He’s barely even a character at all, but he’s the only genuinely nice one, and the only person I can actually sympathize with. Still, that’s like saying Bill the Pony is your favorite character from Lord of the Rings. Bill’s fucking awesome, but he’s not exactly important to the plot and basically is an extended cameo.

Almost everyone else can be summed up the following way:

[name] is [Christian’s/Ana’s] acquaintance. They do not do much and could be
excised entirely without changing the plot in any significant way.

But let’s delve into our main characters:

Anastasia Steele

Ana is bland, uninteresting, nondescript, has no quirks or interesting personality traits or really anything about her that makes her even remotely interesting. She is a blank slate, existing for the reader to insert herself into Ana’s place to live through the fantasy of this wish-fulfillment novel. Sound familiar?

Here is a side-by-side comparison of their interests:

That’s it. I’m actually being rather nice here – the books aren’t really much of an interest for either character since they’re not significant or influential toward the plot. But at least it’s an actual described interest.

Christian Grey

Christian disgusts me. Not because he’s a manipulative, controlling douchebag, although that disgusts me as well. It’s mostly because he’s ridiculously over-the-top insanely perfect. You thought Edward Cullen was ridiculously perfect? He has nothing on Christian Grey. Let’s go through this:

• A self-made billionaire at the age of 27
• Accomplished pianist, glider, helicopter & yacht pilot, and wine snob
• Actively working on eradicating world hunger
• So attractive every female character goes moist in his presence
• Is ridiculously good in bed, has a huge penis that remains rock-hard and skillfully bringing Ana to multiple orgasms
• Does nothing but dote on Ana

Sure, he’s a control freak, and the book does actually portray this as a bad thing, unlike the Twilight series. And he has a dark past. Both of these give him that coveted edgy Bad Boy with a Heart of Gold status.

Despite Christian’s unnerving lip fetish, the way his pants hang off his hips, and his Mysterious Past, he’s still an incredibly dull, one-dimensional character. He has no redeeming qualities and the only real conflict throughout the series is whether or not he’s going to stop treating Ana like a piece of shit.

The Plot (or lack thereof)

Here’s where this series really goes to hell, though. Nothing. Fucking. Happens. Many people have complained about how little actually happens throughout the Twilight series. Compared to Fifty Shades of Grey, Twilight is an action-packed thriller.

It’s readily apparent that Fifty Shades came to life as serial fiction. There’s almost no overarching plot and it’s very serialized, especially about halfway through the series, when it devolves into each chapter featuring arguing, sex, and some little plot nugget. I could almost picture James hunched over her keyboard thinking to herself “Okay, new update time. Gotta include a sex scene to satisfy my horny readers, and I’ll have them argue about how controlling Christian is to show that Ana is Spunky and has a spine, and then I better throw in a reference to Jack Hyde or Leila to remind them that yes we have a plot!”

Here’s a complete timeline of the trilogy, just to help you out:

Fifty Shades of Grey

May 6: Ana interviews Christian Grey.
May 13: Grey visits Ana in the hardware store where she works.
May 15: Jose photographs Grey for Kate and Ana.
May 20: End of classes – Ana gets drunk, Grey tracks her cell phone and hunts her down
May 21: They fly to Seattle, discuss the NDA, his rules, and they fuck.
May 22: They fuck.
May 23: Grey gives her a MacBook. He shows up. They fuck.
May 24: Argue about the list.
May 25: Date!
May 26: Graduation! Grey gives her an Audi. They fuck. He spanks her. They fuck again.
May 27: Grey spends the night. He gives her a BlackBerry.
May 28: Ana and Kate move to Seattle.
May 29: Kinky fucking in the Red Room of Pain. They meet Grey’s parents for dinner, and then fuck in the boathouse. Then they go home and fuck again.
May 30: They fuck on Grey’s desk. Ana interviews at SIP, then takes off for Georgia.
May 31: They exchange emails.
June 1: Grey shows up in Georgia. They fuck.
June 2: They go gliding.
June 3: Ana flies back to Seattle. They fuck. Then they fuck again. Ana asks him to show her how bad it can be. After Grey beats her ass, she breaks up with him.

Fifty Shades Darker

June 6: Grey sends her flowers.
June 7: Ana is miserable and cries a lot.
June 8: Grey emails her asking to go to Jose’s gallery opening.
June 9: They fly to Portland in Grey’s helicopter. After some discussion, they realize they are still in love with each other and try to make things work. Grey gives her an iPad.
June 10: They email each other while Ana is at work. Afterward, she hits up a bar with Jack Hyde and has a weird encounter with a strange woman, who is Leila, Grey’s crazy ex-submissive. Grey shows up at the bar and later reveals that he’s bought SIP where Ana works. They fuck. Then they fuck again, with ice cream.
June 11: Ana wants a haircut. Grey takes her to a place run by Mrs. Robinson, the woman who fucked him when he was 15. This displeases Ana. They argue. Then they fuck, twice. They go to a masked ball and a dance with Ana is auctioned off for charity. Grey wins with a $100,000 bid. He spanks her and they fuck.
June 12: Someone slashes the tires on Ana’s Audi. Ana and Grey go to a hotel to be safe and they fuck twice. Grey takes her to a car dealership and buys her a Saab 9-3 to replace her damaged Audi, and then they go sailing in Grey’s yacht. On which they fuck. Then they go home, argue over whether Ana gets to go to work the next day. Grey spanks her and fucks her.
June 13: Ana and Grey email while Ana is at work. Jack Hyde wants Ana to go to a conference with him, Grey says no, Ana says yes, so Grey pulls strings behind the scenes to make it impossible for her to go. Jack Hyde hits on her. Grey and Ana fuck in the elevator.
June 14: They fuck on the piano. Ana and Grey email while Ana is at work. Afterwards, Grey drives Ana to her apartment to pick up her friend Ethan…but Leila is inside with a gun!!!! Grey comes in and takes the gun away and they bundle Leila off to a psychiatric hospital. Problem solved! Grey asks her to marry him.
June 15: They fuck. Ana and Grey email while Ana is at work. At the end of the day after everyone’s gone, Jack tries to blackmail Ana into having sex with him because of all the personal emails she’s been sending. Ana kicks him in the balls and runs outside, and Grey calls the CEO of SIP and has Jack fired and escorted out of the building by security within minutes. Problem solved! Then they fuck.
June 16: They fuck. Ana gets promoted to replace Jack. She emails Grey while at work. After, Grey shows her the mansion where they could live if they got married. They get dinner, he fingers her in an elevator with other people present, and they fuck.
June 17: Ana gets drinks with her friends. Then discovers that Grey’s helicopter, with him in it, HAS GONE MISSING. There is four pages of terror, then Grey shows up, alive and completely unharmed. Whew!
June 18: As a birthday present, Ana agrees to marry Grey! They fuck. Then they go to the Red Room of Pain and engage in kinky fuckery. There’s a confrontation with Mrs. Robinson who insults Ana, Grey tells her to fuck off, they announce their engagement, and the book ends with someone plotting their demise.

Fifty Shades Freed

June 19: They discuss prenups.
Aug 1: Wedding!
Aug 2-15: Honeymoon and fucking.
Aug 16: They fuck and he buys incredibly expensive paintings and jewelry for her.
Aug 17: Ana goes shopping and buys expensive things. They fuck.
Aug 19: Honeymoon ends.
Aug 21: They are pursued home by an unknown person. When they get home, they fuck in the car. Then they fuck again, several more times.
Aug 22: Grey tells Ana that after a year, he is going to give her SIP to run as a wedding gift. They fuck.
Aug 23: They fuck.
Aug 25: Ana goes out drinking with Kate, which pisses Christian off. When they get home, they find that Jack Hyde has broken in! But security takes him down without a problem.
Aug 26: Grey is absolutely furious that she went out with Kate instead of staying home, even though if she’d stayed home as he wanted she would have been in the house when an armed psychopath broke in. They fuck. Then they fuck again. And again.
Aug 27: Ana and Grey go to Aspen, Colorado. They go shopping. They fuck. Elliot proposes to Kate. They go clubbing. A guy hits on Ana on the dance floor so Ana slaps him across the face and then Christian punches him.
Aug 28: They fuck several times.
Sep 5: Leila shows up and Christian flips his shit because the bodyguards weren’t supposed to let her see Ana, even though Ana demanded it and made it happen. They fuck.
Sept 9: Ana’s father has been in an accident! OH GOD NO! Turns out he’s okay.
Sept 10: Her birthday!
Sept 11: They fuck. Later, Ana finds out she’s pregnant.
Sept 13: Ana freaks out. They talk. Grey freaks out and splits and talks to Mrs. Robinson. Ana flips her shit.
Sept 15: Jack Hyde calls. He’s kidnapped Christian’s little sister, Mia. Ana pulls off a daring rescue by herself but bumps her head. Jack is arrested.
Sept 16: She wakes up in the hospital.
Sept 17: Christian finds out that he and Jack go way back to the same foster home! For no real reason.
Sept 19: They fuck.
Sept 21: They fuck.
Flashforward to 2014. They have a kid!

Yes, you read that right. They get engaged six weeks after they first lay eyes on each other. They get engaged nine days after they’ve broken up and gotten back together. The entire trilogy takes place over a 4 ½ month span, during which time basically nothing happens. About 95% of the series is them arguing, emailing, eating, and fucking. 3% is irrelevant things happening between the other things, and 2% is actual action, of the remarkably idiotic type. The two action beats, if you will, are Leila, the crazed sub, who stalks them for awhile then apologizes and that’s that, and Jack Hyde, who stalks them for awhile, kidnaps Mia, is arrested and that’s that. Neither of these “plots” actually affect the characters in any meaningful way, although it provides more ways for Christian to be ridiculously controlling and them to get into arguments.

The series is porn. It’s a long series of sex scenes with bits of plot and dialogue to string the scenes together.

The Wish Fulfillment

One of the primary reasons this series is a piece of shit is the blatant wish fulfillment. Both characters are Mary-Sues to an ludicrous degree, and the entire series is nothing but blatant wish fulfillment for women. You graduate college and fall in love with one of the wealthiest, most attractive men on the planet; immediately are hired and then promoted at your dream job; you live in his penthouse while traveling the country first class or private plane, enjoying his chauffeurs and his yacht and helicopter; he showers you with ridiculously expensive gifts including multiple cars; then you get married and go on a honeymoon to London and Paris and stay on ANOTHER yacht, distracting yourself by going shopping with your black AMEX credit card, take off on vacation to your vacation home in Colorado, then jet back home to decide how you want your dream mansion overlooking Puget Sound to be built, and all of this is interspersed with incredibly kinky mind-blowingly-good sex.

BDSM

You know why people like BDSM? Because they were abused as children.

Source: Fifty Shades of Grey.

Control Freak

I’ve mentioned numerous times that Christian Grey is a pathological control freak. In this, he imitates Edward Cullen, except he’s ten times the control freak Edward was. Theoretically, I should give Fifty Shades of Grey some credit for actually drawing attention to his controlling nature and portraying it as a negative thing, however, I will also have to remove credit for the fact that Ana always gives in and lets Christian have his way, refuses to take a stand, and basically lets him walk all over her and more or less dictate her every move while she smiles bemusedly and murmurs inwardly at how controlling he is. And then she’s rewarding with amazing sex. Nice work, James. After all, that’s how most hyper controlling relationships in real life work out, isn’t it?

Let me give you just one example. This is immediately after Ana went out to get a couple drinks with Kate, and when they got home security subdued Jack Hyde, who was there to kidnap her. Setting aside that security for Christian’s penthouse is absolutely atrocious, let’s dive into this and start with an email Ana sends to Christian, pointing out he’s full of shit, on page 230:

Had I been FULLY INFORMED of the situation, I would have taken a different course of action.

(later)

So are you going to tell me? Or will you continue to treat me like a child, guaranteeing that I continue to behave like one?

You are not the only one who is fucking pissed, Okay?

This is actually pretty standard for much of this trilogy, and it’s the beginning of something that would theoretically be good. Ana is standing up for herself, pointing out that Christian is being a hyper controlling douchebag, and that he needs to get his shit together and stop being a male chauvinist.

Ana gets home and Christian has slutted himself up in his ripped dreams, and is doing his combination of flirtatious rage and anger, which is slightly terrifying. He has a printout of her email.

My gaze returns to his, as his eyes blaze bright with anger.

Uh.

The following will be edited, but take it from me, I am not using creative editing to change the meaning of this piece at all.

“Why did you fly back from New York?” I whisper

[snip]

“Because you went back on your word, and you defied me, putting yourself at unnecessary risk.”

[snip]

“Christian, I changed my mind,” I explain slowly, patiently, as if he’s a child. “I’m a woman. We’re renowned for it. That’s what we do.”

He blinks at me as if he doesn’t comprehend this.

[snip]

“You changed your mind?” He can’t hide his contemptuous disbelief.

[snip]

“This morning, I wanted to punish you, badly.”

[snip]

“You were worried you’d hurt me?”

[snip]

“I didn’t trust myself,” he says quietly.

“Christian, I know you’d never hurt me. [snip] I know you’re not going to beat the shit out of me.”

“I wanted to.”

“No you didn’t. You just thought you did.”

That’s a superbly comforting clarification to make.

Christian then tries to convince her to come to bed, although Ana wants to talk. He answers a couple small questions, then realizes that she hasn’t eaten today, so he blindfolds her and feeds her dinner, and then they fuck. Except he prevents her from having an orgasm, on and on, until she finally uses their safe word. And that’s about it.

That is what this series is. This exact scene plays itself out, over and over and over again over all three books in the trilogy. I want to stress that I don’t think that writing about people in controlling relationships is a bad thing. In fact, a great deal of the manipulative, controlling nature of this relationship rings very true. That being said, the overall point of this, or message, if you will, is that relationships don’t require you to actually work through these issues and for people to make changes. Because Christian doesn’t change throughout the series. Not one iota. They fight and argue and Ana makes her points, generally very good points, and then Christian says “Let’s fuck,” and they have amazing sex while Ana reminds herself how much she loves him even though he’s “fifty shades of fucked up”. That’s not healthy. That’s absolutely appalling. Every single time it happens, Ana is tacitly encouraging Christian by refusing to hold him accountable for being controlling and treating her like a child, and then eagerly having sex with him. And James is essentially saying that if your husband treats you like a child, controls everything you do, flies into a rage when you defy him in the smallest way and fantasizes about beating you for it…well, that’s okay, just petulantly argue about it every so often and then drop the entire thing and never mention it again, because that’s the best way to work through problems in a relationship.

I didn’t think it was possible to portray unhealthy relationships in such a positive way any more than Twilight did, but Fifty Shades of Grey, you have risen to the occasion.

I’ll leave you with this:

“What are you thinking?” Christian murmurs, stopping my thoughts in their tracks as he pulls his finger out of my mouth.

“How mercurial you are.” (page 241)

Mercurial.

Think back to the last time you heard that word used in casual conversation.

Warning: this review contains massive spoilers for the series. But, if you are truly concerned about spoilers for the Fifty Shades trilogy, you need to reexamine your life’s choices.

Comment [90]

Ever since Pride and Prejudice and Zombies took the literary world by storm in April of 2009, everyone and their mother has been rushing to patch together their own “version” of public domain literary classics, re-published with poorly written scenes of graphic but reasonably tasteful violence inserted randomly throughout the text. A mere six months later Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters was released by the same publisher, an all-new prequel to Zombies will be published less than a year after the “original”, and Android Karenina has been announced.

Other recently released titles from other publishing houses include Alice in Zombieland, Emma and the Werewolves, Mansfield Park and Mummies, The Undead World of Oz, and, of course, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Zombie Jim.

However, the rapidly diminishing popularity of these titles confirms that they offer very little in terms of true entertainment. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies was an immediate New York Times bestseller almost entirely based on the title and the sheer novelty of the idea. But when a book’s entire marketing campaign is based on novelty, and the market is immediately flooded with a dozen imitators with even less talent than whatever the original author held, the entire concept has jumped the shark before it even really got off the ground.

Which means that it’s time for a reboot. And in this case, the “mashups” will not be using public domain literary classics, but popular contemporary novels.

“Initially, we weren’t sure we’d be able to do it,” said Gerald Pearson, editor of up-and-coming indie publisher FacePalm Press. “Obviously, reprinting an entire novel with a few new scenes inserted here and there isn’t protected as parody, so we had to come to an agreement that made financial sense for both parties. Fortunately, Ms. Meyer and Little, Brown and Company were very easy to work with. We worked out a deal, and I’m very pleased to announce that Twilight with Vampires will be coming out in August of 2010.”

“It just makes sense,” said Vincent Pryzbylewski, author of the upcoming novel. “Let’s face it. Nobody besides prepubescent girls and lonely Mormon housewives wants to read about some airhead girl prancing about with her sparkling ponce of a boyfriend. But the series has some fans, and I was just sitting there trying to think of something I could do with it, and it hit me. Why not put some vampires into this book? Instead of having a boring cookie-cutter romantic urban fantasy, you have a kick-ass novel that someone would actually want to read!”

Pryzbylewski admitted that adapting Twilight presented some challenges. “Probably the biggest one is that the novel primarily takes place during the day. When writing a vampire novel, that makes things a little difficult, as you can’t just have vampires walking around, even under a thick cloud cover! I was able to shift a few of the scenes to after dark, but so much of the book takes place at a school. Eventually, I decided to put Bella into a club that had meetings at night, which also had the side effect of making her into less of a loser.”

Pryzbylewski denied reports from early reviews that his version ignored the spirit of Stephenie Meyer’s source novel. “When writing my version, I very much tried to keep the same spirit and tone as Ms. Meyer’s original words. Not because they’re particularly impressive, but because it’s funnier that way. I tried to approach the story logically: what would happen if a bunch of vampires showed up in the rainy town of Forks, Washington? Obviously, people are going to notice, you can’t keep something like that under wraps. And where there are vampires, there are vampire hunters, and chest-staking violence ensues. Are some people not going to like Twilight with Vampires? Yeah. People with no sense of humor, probably, but I think the majority of readers are going to really enjoy it. I mean, just think about it. Putting vampires in Twilight? How can you go wrong?”

We’ll know for certain in August of 2010, but presented here, for the first time, is an excerpt from Twilight with Vampires:

The thickset man shrugged away from the wall as I warily came to a stop, and walked slowly into the street.

“Stay away from me,” I warned in a voice that was supposed to sound strong and fearless. But I was right about the dry throat – no volume.

“Don’t be like that, sugar,” he called, and the raucous laughter started again behind me. He stepped out into the dim light of the street-lamp, and I glimpsed his face. Pale white, with sunken black eyes, and lips that were far too red. I fumbled in my purse, looking for I-didn’t-know-what, and then my fingers found a foreign object. I pulled it out. It was a polished wooden stake with a sharpened end. How did that get in there? I had no idea, but I turned to face him, raising the stake high.

He paused and snarled, and I glimpsed something that made my blood run cold. Two small white fangs, and they wanted me.

Headlights suddenly flew around the corner. The car door opened, hitting the stocky one and knocking him sprawling to the sidewalk. I glimpsed an arm swing down and soft crunch of wood punching through bone, a quiet shriek, and the stocky man burst into flame.

The silver car unexpectedly fishtailed around, skidding to a stop with the passenger door opened just a few feet away from me.

“Get in,” a furious voice commanded. I saw a hand toss a stake almost casually into the glove box, a stake almost exactly like the one I still clenched in my trembling right hand.

© Stephenie Meyer and Vincent Pryzbylewski

Comment [32]

Maradonia™ and the Seven Bridges

A couple of things before we get going:

First, the title as it appears on the front cover is Maradonia™ and the Seven Bridges. I can’t be absolutely certain, but I am about 95% positive that I have never seen someone add a trademark tag to the title of their first novel, let alone a self-published one. These two small, seemingly insignificant things tell us two things: First, the Tesches have an extraordinary amount of arrogance by assuming that anyone would want to be associated with the Maradonia™ brand, hence the need to copyright it. Second, the Tesches desperately want to sound as much like legitimate publishers as they can, which is why there’s two solid pages of copyright information just inside the front cover. Which is where copyright information is supposed to go. I mean, Harry Potter is a registered trademark, but it doesn’t say Harry Potter™ and the Deathly Hallows on the front of Book 7, because it’s a fucking book cover, not a copyright page.

Second, the back cover of this doorstopper contains six phrases surrounded by unnecessary quotation marks, a trait that is going to drive me crazy as I spork this book. The only way to keep myself sane is to turn this into a drinking game.

Third, the chapter list (and there is ninety chapters) all has the titles angled slightly across the page, instead of being straight up and down. It has the annoying look of the title page being caught off-angle in the printer, but I’m pretty sure there was just an error in the formatting. Either way, it contributes to the general shoddiness of this book.

Here we go!

Preface

Tesch tells us that on a November morning a mysterious beach was found:

Fifteen-Year-old Maya and her Fourteen-Year-old brother Joey noticed a gap in the fence of a ‘Government Owned Property’ (page 1).

I could spend the entire book pointing out annoying things like this, such as why fourteen and year are both capitalized, but old is not, or why government owned property is capitalized and has quotation marks around it, but that wouldn’t really be very funny. Instead, you’ll just have to remember that this is ongoing throughout the book, as will be evidenced by the drink count, and pity me for what I’m going through.

Blah blah, they find a cave to the ‘world between the worlds’ which gives me a strong Magician’s Nephew vibe, which leads into the ‘Land of Maradonia’. Great. I don’t know why Tesch is spoiling the book in the preface, considering the story begins before Maya and Joey have actually found their way to Maradonia.

Drinks: 3

Prologue:

Apparently a feast is being prepared at the palace of a chap named Apollyon, who’s the King of an Evil Empire. In quotation marks. So one sentence in, we have a King of an Empire, that is a named Evil, with unnecessary Capitalized Letters and quotation marks. This is going to be ridiculously easy to mock.

There’s a brief mention of a chick named Arabella, who’s an underworld spy. This sounds vaguely interesting but isn’t elaborated on by Tesch.

Annoyingly, the paragraphs aren’t defined by indentation, like real books, but by a line break between some of them. But not all of them. Which, I must admit, is a pretty clever way to pad the size of your book. Quick math: There’s about three of these line breaks per page, and there’s 810 pages in this brick. At 30 lines of text per page, that comes out to an extra 81 pages on this book that don’t really deserve to be there, and that’s not counting the enormous font size used throughout the book.

Tesch names a bunch of random people that I don’t care about and won’t remember the names of. They’re sitting at a table. Some dwarfs teleport into the room, arriving in midair, and open the doors. King Apollyon walks in, has a seat, and begins his speech. He introduces a group of ravens as his guests of honor, which makes Arabella feel insulted because she isn’t mentioned, along with some extraneous ellipses. Apollyon says that everyone at the table is welcome to speak freely and openly. He elaborates that his son recently lost a battle to ‘those kids’, Maya and Joey, who were leading an army of teenagers. The guests are stunned and demand to know how this is possible. So Apollyon elaborates further:

Abaddon tried to do his best to destroy the enemy as did Gertrude, Lorris and Ceara also tried to eliminate the troops of the enemy with their wall of fire, waves of fire, walls of total darkness and with the glowing heat cushion of burning snowflakes! (page 4).

So much.

‘Tried to do his best’? That sort of effort deserves a Force-strangulation.

Fantasy world. We have Lorris. Appropriately fantasy. Ceara. Likewise. And then Gertrude, which doesn’t even exist nowadays. Honestly, I haven’t even met many people who are on Social Security who are named Gertrude.

I’m guessing there’s a difference between a wall of fire and a wave of fire, but I don’t see why a king would bother to differentiate between the two in a speech. I also have no idea what the hell a glowing heat cushion of burning snowflakes is. Mostly because snowflakes can’t burn, because water doesn’t burn. I’m guessing Tesch isn’t a fan of science. Or she is a fan of handwaving something because of magic.

Apollyon talks about how the spirits came back from their ‘spy trip’ and heard the words ‘Pool of Blood’. This led to him to the understanding in his mind that a pool of blood exists. That’s deep. And by deep, I mean deep in a philosophical and sarcastic sense, not physically deep. Although it probably is physically deep as well, because Apollyon mentions some random king getting pissed off and chucking a mountain and a castle into the lake. That’s very impressive, and is a slight indication that Tesch’s magic system may be overpowered.

Apparently the ruler of Maradonia, a chap named King Astrodoulos, sent his troops and Maya and Joey to this lake. Because apparently after you dive in the lake, you’re untouchable by the powers. I assume this means that magic cannot affect you. I do wonder why Apollyon hasn’t sent all of his own troops to take a dip as well. But instead, Apollyon explains how when the mountain and the castle was thrown into the lake, it gave the lake the power to make people who jump in untouchable by the powers. In essence, exactly what he just said.

Not kidding. Apollyon repeats himself, almost word-for-word, what he just said the previous paragraph. For no discernable reason.

One of Apollyon’s sons says that this is very depressing news, which is a bit of an understatement, and says that they’ll just have to live with it. But then another leader, Remmilos, jumps up and starts yelling and says that perhaps they need a change in leadership. Apollyon is enraged. He demonstrates this rage by closing his eyes and putting his hands on the table. That doesn’t sound very enraged. But then he opens his eyes and has glowing fireballs in his hands. One of the teleporting dwarfs tells Remmilos that he has no right to criticize Apollyon. Remmilos points out, correctly, that Apollyon said everyone could speak freely and openly at the beginning of the meeting. Apollyon hits him with the fireball and fries him into a pile of ashes, which the dwarfs clean up and then teleport away. I’m guessing that this is our ‘Subtle Clue’ that Apollyon is Evil. In case we didn’t realize this from the Author ‘Explicitly Stating’ that Apollyon is the king of the Evil Empire.

Some of the leaders there are a little pissed off, but Apollyon continues and says that there may be a way to eliminate these kids, even though they’re invincible. I’m guessing he doesn’t know what ‘invincible’ means. Also, I wasn’t aware they were invincible. Being immune to magic is one thing, being immune to a knife in the ribs is another.

Apollyon says that he’s going to tell them a secret. And the chapter ends.

Drinks: 19 

Chapter One: The New School

Each chapter also has a picture along with it, and so we get our first image of Maya and Joey, and my god, it’s hideous. Maya’s eyes are too far apart, she has enormous horse lips, and Joey’s face seems to be made up entirely of his nose. Not an auspicious beginning.

Their mother wakes them up, saying that they don’t want to be late for school. Tesch begins to tell us facts about them. I’m not really surprised that she hasn’t learned how to show, not tell. We learn that Maya is excited to go to school, she’s tall, very beautiful, very shy, doesn’t make friends easily, stuff like that. I’m getting Mary Sue vibes already.

Maya thinks about popular Joey is. Apparently, at the last school, Joey was part of a nationwide painting poster-contest. Due to Joey’s elite painting skills, he’s received a number of letters from congressmen. I have to call bullshit on this one. I admit that it’s possible that someone who won a poster content might receive one letter from a congressman’s secretary with the congressman’s name signed at the bottom, but a bunch of them? Not likely. A horrifically phrased sentence later, we learn that supposedly, the school had a banquet in honor of Joey. Calling bullshit again. Apparently a senator came to the banquet to greet Joey in the name of the President and talking about how much potential Joey has to build fantasy bridges to different dimensions. Calling bullshit for the third time. This is probably some sort of ‘Subtle Foreshadowing’. Along with being something that would never happen in real life.

Then again, when I was 12 I wrote things that wouldn’t happen in real life. It was because I was naïve and wrote things that weren’t worthy of being published.

Apparently, Joey’s fame led to his picture appearing in dozens of newspapers and the school getting a new section in their library. I guess the point Tesch is trying to make is that Joey is Speshul and Maya is just very awkward. This is confirmed a few paragraphs later:

It took Maya several months to make a couple of new friends but she made also some enemies. One of them was ‘Alana Terence’! She was a member of the ‘Gothic Movement’ and she had a very rebellious spirit (page 11).

Really? Extra exclamation points, italics, and quotation marks? Even I wasn’t this dumb when I was twelve.

Although Maya had several problems, she was a highly unusual girl in many ways. She was a very spiritual and a very serious person. Soon after Maya was born, her grandmother was holding her in her arms and said, “This is indeed a very serious child!” (page 12).

I cannot picture a grandmother holding a newborn and proclaiming it serious without cracking up laughing, nor can I imagine why one would ever say that. I also don’t know why it’s unusual to be either spiritual or serious, there are plenty of people who fall into both categories and it’s not that uncommon.

When Maya was four years old she started painting huge oil paintings and worked with water colors. With eight years, she had her first exhibition in form of an article in the ‘National Journal of Art’ with an interview and six of her best pictures (page 12).

Or, in other words, Maya is Speshul as well. And I think that should be ‘at’ instead of ‘with’, and there should be a ‘the’ between ‘in’ and ‘form’. But that might just be me trying to follow some basic rules of the English language.

Maya can’t figure out why she hates the new school, except she feels like everyone hates her just for being there. Wow. So one chapter in, we have a girl who fits almost every cliché that Mary Sues are known for, a villain that fits almost every villain cliché, and an author who has no grasp of the English language. That takes some talent.

Drinks: 6

Comment [39]

Chapter Two: School Fight

The chapter opens with a picture of some girls getting into a tussle in front of the lockers. It’s not particularly well-drawn, and Alana’s torso looks like it’s separated from the rest of her body.

Tesch tells us that every time Maya says something, Alana says something ugly in response. An example would be nice. Maybe just one? No? Okay.

So they’re at lunch, and someone at Maya’s table is talking about Alana. Probably talking trash. Suddenly Alana gets up and walks directly over towards her.

When she finally arrived at the table she said, “If you wanna say somthin’ say it to ma face!” Alana was leaning over the table and then she leaned back, crossing her arms and raising her eyebrows.

Maya looked up and said, “I didn’t say anything about you!” Then Alana’s friends stormed over to Maya’s table and yelled, “Girl, you are jus’ askin’ for it!” (page 14).

Leaning back, crossing your arms, and raising your eyebrows makes you look ridiculous, not even remotely threatening, but Tesch is 13, so I doubt she knows that. Tesch being 13, I also wonder about the creatively spelled (and italicized) dialogue for Alana. It almost sounds like she’s trying to make her into an angry black bully, but that can’t be right, because that would just be racist. Right?

The school administrator shows up and defuses the situation. Maya takes off and hides behind the building until the bell rings, then makes a beeline for her locker. She grabs her books, and then Alana appears, slamming her locker shut.

She smiled in a way that said “I’m better then you” (page 15).

That’s threatening. And that’s ‘than’.

Alana slaps her. And then punches her. Immediately a group of students forms a semi-circle and starts chanting “Fight! Fight!” Because that’s what always happens at school fights.

Maya grabbed Alana’s long dark hair and pushed her down. Maya had never told anybody before in the school that she was a ‘Black Belt’, one of the highest ranked belts in Karate (page 15).

…add another talent to our Mary-Sue’s repertoire. Also, I don’t exactly call myself an expert when it comes to Karate, but grabbing someone by the hair and pushing them to the ground doesn’t really sound like something a ‘Black Belt’ would do.

The world goes all blurry and Maya can only see Alana and suddenly she finds herself on top of her and starts beating the crap out of her until finally she snaps out of it. Alana’s face is ‘red like a lobster’ (quotation marks included) and she starts crying and runs off. Everyone stares at her, stunned, because Maya is just that hardcore.

I find it astonishing that after a mere 16 pages Gloria Tesch has already firmly grasped the title of the worst writer that I have ever had the misfortunate of reading. Every single sentence reeks of pure, undiluted incompetence. Even Robert Stanek isn’t this bad. I honestly cannot fathom how her parents were willing to self-publish this shit, without even going through and fixing the most egregious crimes against the English language. I don’t have anywhere near the patience to go through and point out every single one of these crimes, but my liver is suffering right now.

Maya gets suspended for one day, Alana for three days, and suddenly Maya’s a minor celebrity. Whenever she shows up, everyone whispers that she was the one who ‘wopped’ Alana. Wopped? Really? Who the hell would use that word?

Drinks: 7

Chapter Three: The Party

Joey has a friend named Derrick, and it’s Derrick’s little brother’s and his mother’s birthday. For some reason Derrick invites Joey, and then Joey decides to invite Maya. This sounds thoroughly unconvincing. When my friends’ siblings and mothers had birthday parties, I was never invited. But maybe that was just because I wasn’t popular.

Joey told Maya on their way to the party, that the only reason he invited her was the fight between Maya and Alana which had made him even more popular.

Maya was really disappointed when she heard what Joey’s reason for her invitation was and she said sarcastically, “What a privilege…” but then she said “Okay…I’ll go with you!” (page 18)

This tells me two things: one, Maya is a pretty pathetic person, if she’s still going to this party, and two, Gloria Tesch is an idiot, because Maya wouldn’t agree to go to a party after they were already on their way there.

The party is being held at a hotel, which immediately makes me call bullshit, because there isn’t even an explanatory line about Derrick’s family being extremely rich. Joey tells the hotel doorman that they’re the guests of honor – I can’t remember the last time I was at a hotel that actually had a doorman – and they head inside. Joey exchanges some pleasantries with Derrick, they get some food, and Maya starts feeling awkward so she wanders off and starts wandering around the pool.

Then Joey shoves her into the pool. Because he’s trying to show off for Derrick. Normally, I would question Joey’s sexuality, but in this case I honestly think that he’s just being a little shit.

Maya hits her head and falls into the pool and starts sinking. Then she sees a light and hears a woman asking, in very oversized, bold, italicized text, for her to come and help them.

Within the twinkling of an eye the thought hit her mind, “Who needs my help? I’m the one who needs help and I need the help now because I am at the edge of drowning?” (page 20)

The second sentence doesn’t need a question mark at the end. Also, this is remarkably clear train of thought for someone who is about to drown.

Coincidentally, I nearly drowned when I was younger. Here is an approximate re-creation of my train of thought while it was happening:

AUGH HELP WATER FUCK GARGLE AHH HELP CAN’TBREATHE FUCK ASS SHIT AUGH HELP ME PLEASE GOD GLAGH BLUB AA!!!!

Then there’s another idiotic quote:

The doorman, who was also a life-guard at this hotel complex, jumped into the water. He pulled Maya out of the pool and pressed the remaining water out of her lungs (page 20).

Right, the doorman just happens to also be the lifeguard. So he’s life guarding for a pool that he isn’t anywhere close to and can’t even see. So he has no idea if anyone is drowning or needs help. He’s just the lifeguard. Makes total sense.

Joey laughs and makes jokes about Maya, firmly cementing him into the ‘little shit’ category. Maya opens her eyes, looks up, and sees white doves. She hears the voices again. The bleeding doesn’t stop so they want to call an ambulance, but she refuses and says she wants to go home. When a fifteen-year-old falls down and gashes their head open, people do not ask the fifteen-year-old whether they want to go to the hospital, they call 911.

Maya gets up and the doves fly down and circle around Maya’s head. One of them has a golden tail feather. Wait, this is all coming together! Maya is actually Jesus! She’s just been baptized in the pool by Joey and now Tesch is saying, “This is My beloved creation, in Whom I am well pleased”.

The doorman, however, has something different to say about the birds:

The guard said, “These doves are crazy! They behaved strange, absolutely strange! Three of them attacked me at the same time when I was standing at the bell captains desk, close to the poolside, holding the new guest lists in my hand. I was just greeting one of our distinguished guests, when these birds flew straight through the open doors from the pool area. One of them snatched the guest list out of my hands and the two others pulled me by my hair…and I don’t have too much hair. Anyway, I followed them to the pool because I needed the paper, when I saw you drifting under water. That’s when I jumped and dragged you out of the pool. [snip] I tell you the truth, these birds have saved your life!

It seems to me as if you are very special to them and I have the feeling that they are trying to deliver some kind of message. (page 21).

So much.

Why did the doorman suddenly become a guard? Who is a bell captain and why would a doorman be standing by his desk? What sort of ‘distinguished guests’ would be coming to a birthday party? If some birds started pulling you by your hair, wouldn’t you fight them off instead of following them? Why is the fact that he doesn’t have a lot of hair even mentioned? Why couldn’t he get another copy of his guest list instead of chasing after a bird that has it? Why did he ‘jump’ instead of ‘jump in’? And why is every single character convinced that Maya is Speshul?

This is what it’s like reading this book. And Tesch doesn’t let up for a moment:

When Joey realized Maya’s desperate situation and saw that her new outfit was ruined by the pool water he was not happy at all (page 22).

Really, you arrogant little prick? Not happy at all that you almost drowned your sister and ruined her clothing? Maybe you should have thought of that before you shoved her into the pool. Not to mention that at this point Maya is safe and wrapped in towels, how is this situation even remotely desperate? Maybe he should have realized this while she was…oh, I dunno, drowning?

They walk home. I’m not sure why they have to walk home after one of them almost drowned, but c’mon, this was written by a snot-nosed 13-year-old, what were you expecting, realism? Joey is still worried about what his parents will say and begs Maya to come up with some sort of story to explain her wet clothes. So Maya starts to cry – because she’s so disappointed that Joey will ask her to lie to her parents.

Seriously. She is crying because he asks her to lie for her. And also because he never said he was sorry for his ‘ugly attitude’. Not that he didn’t apologize for almost killing her, no, Maya wants him to apologize for his attitude problems. And Maya feels pain in her heart.

I guess she’s already forgotten about the weird lights and voices telling her they need her help. That probably happens on a daily basis for her.

Drinks: 2

Chapter Four: At the Pebble Beach

We jump forward a few weeks later to the thanksgiving weekend. No mention of any fallout from the previous chapter. Also, I don’t know why Tesch randomly ‘Capitalizes’ and accentuates words in a sentence, but doesn’t bother to capitalize words that actually need it, grammatically speaking. Like Thanksgiving.

Joey and Maya meet Mr. Perkins on their way to the beach. They only live a few blocks away from the beach. I guess they’re pretty well-off. Funny thing, I used to live near a street named Perkins. I guess it’s my ‘Destiny’ that I spork this book.

Blah blah, Perkins tells them about a ‘Pebbles Beach’. Apparently people have disappeared there, bodies never found, and now trespassing is forbidden. Joey immediately wants to go there and check it out. Maya is hesitant but agrees to go away, because Maya is kind of a sheep.

They go to the south beach and soon they’re completely alone. It’s not that convincing. I’m not certain but I’m guessing the story is set in Florida, since Tesch lives there. Most beaches that are located within walking distance of people’s houses are open, and on nice, sunny days like this one, there are usually a lot of people there.

Maya jumps in and floats around for a bit, relaxing. Then she thinks about the voices, and so she opens her eyes and yells

“Yes, and what about the doves?” (page 25)

Which doesn’t make any sense. Why did she say ‘yes’? Who is she talking to? Why hasn’t she thought about this before?

Joey is off exploring the beach, and Maya can’t see him, so she heads off looking for him. She sees some white doves in the palm trees, which sounds weird. Maya wonders if this is a sign, and since it’s in italics, I’m guessing it is. She keeps walking and thinks about how people have disappeared at this beach and were never seen again.

Drinks: 3

Comment [24]

Chapter Five – No Trespassing

Picture of a scary-looking fallen tree that looks like a giant hand.

Maya finds Joey and is very relieved. He’s looking at a sign that’s almost rusted away, but they can still make out that it’s a standard government-issued no trespassing sign that states violators will be prosecuted. And this next exchange is so amazing that I’m not going to just quote it, I’m going to scan the page, because otherwise you’ll never believe it actually exists:

Right. So I have to say this is the first book I’ve ever seen that’s marketed towards 8-to-12-year-olds that involves the young hero calling the young heroine a ‘dumb shit’. I’m not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, it’s further proof of Gloria Tesch’s incompetence – you don’t put things like that in children’s books, not if you want to be successful – but at the same time, this has just become my favorite quote of the entire book.

I’m also going to point out, for the only time in the book, how annoying it is when Tesch lives out the comma before the second quotation mark in dialogue.

Of course, this is immediately followed by my second-favorite quote of the series, which is amazing, but it also has the side effect of deepening my hatred of Joey. If Tesch was setting him up to be a villain, or to be messily killed, this might be tolerable, but he’s supposed to be one of the heroes. Maybe she’s setting him up for a Eustace Scrubb-like transformation.

Anyway, Maya climbs across the tree which has fallen across the fence and is acting like a bridge. They walk around for an hour and a half and find nothing. It’s very boring. Then they see a hill in the distance. Joey takes off for it and Maya follows. When she arrives, Joey is gone again, but she sees seven doves looking at her. Immediately she flashes back to the hotel guard (doorman, Tesch) who told her that she’s very special to the birds. Now, if a bird, or some random mysterious stranger had come up and told her that she was special, I might buy it, but a hotel doorman? Please, he has no reason to think that, nor should his opinion be considered valid.

Maya suddenly realizes that her brother has vanished, so she stops thinking about the doves. Then she looks at the horizon and it’s so pretty that she forgets about her brother. No, seriously, these two things are a sentence apart and happen within seconds of each other. I wonder if Maya is ADD?

Apparently there’s a narrow opening somewhere around here, Tesch describes it poorly enough that I have no idea what this place looks like. But Maya squeezes through it and finds herself in a cave. She screams for Joey and he’s there. Maya wants to leave, it being a dark and scary cave, but Joey wants to come back the next day and explore. But they’ll be prepared then. So they head home.

I’m adding a drink for each punctuation error a chapter contains, because they are really starting to piss me off.

Drinks: 6

Chapter Six – Friday Morning

So they wake up Friday morning and start getting ready for their excursion. Per the preface, it’s November, and both of them are in school. Why do they have the day off instead of being in school? This is something that should be explained and it’s just ignored.

Maya tells Joey she doesn’t know what to pack. Joey looks at her like she’s an idiot and asks if she’s serious, and for once, I’m on Joey’s side: I’ve packed many a backpack for epic adventures, and it’s never hard to find things to bring with you.

Joey tells her to bring an extra pair of clothes and a blanket. Maya asks why she needs that, as they obviously aren’t going to stay in the cave for days.

“You never know what can happen”, Joey said, “Maybe something ‘big’ will happen and if we are not prepared, we might be in trouble or maybe we find some treasures or underwater rivers. Who knows where this adventure can lead us?” (page 32)

I’m guessing that Tesch calls this ‘subtle foreshadowing’. And yes, she really does put the commas and periods outside of the quotation marks, and yes, it’s very annoying to read.

Maya goes back into her room and packs…a change of clothes and a blanket, proving she has no imagination. She stops in the kitchen to make some sandwiches and grab a bag of apples, they tell their parents they’re heading to the beach, and head out the door.

So they go to the beach and cross the fence and reach the hill and see the doves and go inside the cave and take out their flashlights and reach a hall filled with stalagmites.

Drinks: 6

Chapter Seven – The Stalagmite Statue

Tesch misspells Joey’s name. As ‘Joeys’. Yeah.

Joey starts talking about how in science class he learned how rocks are formed, and they talk about the differences between stalagmites and stalactites, and honestly, it just feels like Gloria Tesch masturbating with her science knowledge. I don’t care. I really don’t.

They go further into the cave and find a number of tunnels and choose to go into the middle one. Without marking their way. These kids are just asking for death.

There’s a crack in the ceiling and it lets in a beam of light that illuminates a stalagmite statue. This reminds me of Balin’s Tomb in Moria. But it’s very bright and the statue is of a mermaid. Joey is ecstatic.

Joey yelled, “This could make me rich! I told you so that we will find a treasure, a chamber or a door to the ‘unknown’!” (page 37)

He didn’t say that, and I rather doubt that a stone statue is going to make him rich.

Joey grabs the statue and pulls on it until he breaks it free from the rock. Sorry, but I don’t believe that a statue that has been carved out of solid rock would be able to be broken free by a snot-nosed fourteen-year-old. Also, from the picture and the description, it sounds far too big to carry, but I’ll accept that both of those could be inaccurate.

As soon as it breaks free the ground starts shaking like an earthquake and a hole opens up in the wall. Maya tells Joey to put the statue back in a bit of horribly written dialogue, and finally he does. The walls stop shaking. I’m really not sure how removing a statue can trigger an earthquake and then putting it back will stop said earthquake, but science has never really been my strong suit.

That was an absolutely incredible and a mysterious event which both of them could not explain (page 38).

No shit, Sherlock?

Maya turns towards Joey and he’s vanished through the hole in the wall.

Drinks: 10

Chapter Eight – Eyes, Ears, and Voices

Maya goes through the hole and sees Joey. They’re not on the coast anymore, they’re in a prehistoric jungle. I think Tesch has been reading Journey to the Center of the Earth a bit too often. Then again, the back of this brick states that they find a “World between the Worlds”, so it’s also possible that they’re not actually beneath Florida at the moment, they’ve already been magicked over to the new place.

A voice suddenly asks her why she wants to step on it. Maya thinks it’s Joey, which leads to some momentary confusion, before the voice speaks up:

“Every living creature in this world has a soul and everything what lives has eyes and ears and a voice!” (page 40)

Except for moles. They don’t have eyes. And, y’know, worms. Cave fish. Cave crickets. I could go on but I think I’ve made my point.

But they look around and Joey spots a grasshopper. Then Maya falls down. Randomly. Not for any reason. Didn’t trip over anything, wasn’t pushed, didn’t slip, just fell.

‘F L O P’ … Maya fell down to the ground right on her face.

“Ouch…” and when she looked up there was a huge grasshopper sitting directly on her nose (page 40).

Maybe she has inner ear problems. And yes, ‘F L O P’ is exactly like that on the page.

The grasshopper jumps down. Maya and the grasshopper converse. At first she things it’s Joey playing one of his tricks, because Joey has a side job as a ventriloquist. But eventually she realizes that she has entered a place where grasshoppers can talk with wisdom and understanding. I’m not sure why she thinks this, because the grasshopper hasn’t displayed any wisdom or understanding, or anything beyond what a parrot could do. Then again, Maya isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. She might not even be a spoon.*

Drinks: 10

*Terry Pratchett quote. Credit where credit’s due.

Chapter Nine – The Grasshopper

I haven’t mentioned this before but I really hate the length of these chapters. This last one was two and a half Tesch pages, which makes less than one real page. And there’s no reason for all of them.

“This grasshopper is even smarter than my science teacher. He has a lot of wisdom,” Maya said (page 42).

BULL. SHIT. Not that I think that high school science teachers are anything to brag about, but this grasshopper has said maybe six sentences and he has displayed a complete lack of knowledge about the physical world. Unless we come to find out that in Maradonia worms have eyes. And souls. Somehow I doubt it, though.

Joey blinked his eyes several times in disbelief but when he understood that this grasshopper in his hand was real, he smiled and he was happy that he found a pet, a companion, who liked it to sit on his shoulder…constantly talking to him (page 43).

See, I have a problem with this. You’ve just gotten through saying he’s smarter than your science teacher, that he has a soul, and he’s immediately been delegated to pet status. He’s not a real person anymore, he’s a dog. It’s extremely insulting to treat someone with humanlike intelligence as a pet. But I’m sure this grasshopper won’t have any problem being Saphira’d. Thank you, Christopher Paolini, for giving us a name for this.

Also – the grasshopper hasn’t given any indication that he would like to be a pet, likes to talk, likes to sit on anyone’s shoulder – nothing. Does Tesch really not read back over anything that she writes? Does she honestly not even think about the words that she’s setting down on the page?

Maya went through a shock situation! She was not sure if this was the real world of the dream world (page 43).

I….there are no words for this. I dunno. Make fun of it yourself. She went through a shock situation? Sorry, I understand what each of those words individually means, but put together like that they don’t make any fucking sense.

Maya looks around and sees trees and then she sees the seven doves. She points them out to Joey, who is ignoring her and talking to his grasshopper familiar, who he has named Hoppy. Which is a really fucking stupid name. If I had a grasshopper familiar, I would name him ‘Brian’, or maybe ‘Guinevere’ if it was female. Hoppy? That’s just unimaginative. Also, the fact that Joey has named it means that he didn’t have a name before, which doesn’t really sound like an intelligent, soul-carrying creature to me.

Incidentally, the dialogue over the next few pages is absolutely atrociously written, I could just quote all of it and let it stand on its own, but I won’t. It sounds awkward and stilted and like it was lifted from ‘Dick and Jane’ if the author of ‘Dick and Jane’ enjoyed raping the English language.

To summarize: Hoppy says that there’s a lagoon in the center of this land. Lagoons are typically at the edge of the land and next to the ocean. Anyway, Hoppy tells them that they ‘must’ to go the lagoon, because it ‘might’ be their destiny. I’m getting conflicting signals here. Also, I really hate Destiny. Really, really, hate it.

Joey can tell what time it is by the position of the sun in the sky. Quite the Boy Scout. He whips out a compass and says that they have plenty of time to reach the lagoon. Which doesn’t really make sense, because they have no idea how far it is to this lagoon. It might be a month’s journey or more. Also, I would really like to see the compass not work properly for navigation, because this is a totally different world, and there’s no reason why our tools would work there. But I’m about 100% certain that Tesch has never even though of that. Being 13, and stupid.

Hoppy wants to come with them, and Joey says that he can come along, and stay in Joey’s pocket, or ride on his shoulder. Very benevolent of him.

Time passes. They walk along. The sun remains in the same spot. Hoppy explains that the sun always shines, even at night, when it’s just slightly dimmer. Also in this place you never get really hungry or tired. So I’m guessing that the two sandwiches and the apples they packed will last for their entire journey.

Drinks: 4

Comment [36]

Chapter Ten – The Spy

I’m quickly realizing that this ‘novel’ has nowhere to go but down.

They see something shining like a jewel and it turns out to be a snake. I would mock this, but it turns out that the snake is covered in jewels. So….I’m going to mock it anyway. A snake covered in jewels? That’s pretty stupid. But the snake slithers right up to them.

Joey and Maya were frightened and in shock. The snake was very beautiful (page 47).

When you’re frightened and in shock because of something you think is going to kill you, you don’t notice that that thing is beautiful.

Hoppy pokes his head out, sees the snake, and then ducks back down into Joey’s pocket. This makes it obvious that he doesn’t like snakes. How Maya even notices this, given that he’s a tiny grasshopper and the large, possibly poisonous snake has her attention, is beyond me.

Maya was shocked and watched Joey…but Joey opened only his mouth in disbelieve (page 48).

That’s ‘only opened’. And that’s ‘disbelief’.

“What is this place? First we meet a grasshopper who talks and now we meet a snake who talks. What’s next?” Maya wondered. (page 48)

This might just be me, but if I was magically transported into a different world and I met a talking grasshopper, I would not be even remotely surprised if any of the other creatures could talk as well.

The snake introduces herself as Arabella. Arabella explains that she works for a great king, drawing out some of the letter ‘s’ in her speech. Not all of them, just some. Arabella says that the king will give them awesome treasures, like the jewels she wears.

Suddenly Joey shouted “Yes! I also want these gems, diamonds, and the money. Don’t you realize Maya, once we come back home I could buy everything I want, even the new skateboards and the video games that I wanted for such a long time.”

Joey continued, “Forget the lagoon Maya. Let’s change course and go direct to that great king and get from him all the riches, gems and the money. Let us follow the advice of the fortune teller and have a rich future.” (page 49)

Words fail me. I feel bad, I really do, because instead of sporking this all I really need to do is quote pretty much everything and let the putrid pestilence stand and fail on its own merits. How am I supposed to make fun of this? It’s like kicking someone after you’ve already beaten them unconscious and tied them to the train tracks.

And no, I have no idea why he calls the snake a fortune teller.

Arabella smirks. Snakes can’t smirk. But suddenly they hear the cry of an eagle. Everyone freaks out, because holy shit, eagles don’t exist in real life! Wait… Anyway, Arabella mentions that she hates the eagle, she doesn’t know why the eagle is around, but the fact that the eagle’s around means that something important is going on and she wants to find out what that is. I have no idea why she’s expositing like this.

Then the seven doves fly down and tell Maya and Joey to follow them. This makes Arabella very Suspicious.

Drinks: 3

Chapter Eleven – Libertine

There’s a poorly drawn picture of Maya. Her lips are too big, her nose is too long, and her forehead is disproportionate with her head.

Maya has a Feeling to lift her hand up, and a dove lands on it. I hate Feelings. Hate them. Essentially, it robs the characters from having to make their own intelligent and difficult decisions, because they have Feelings, and Feelings, of course, are Never Wrong.

The golden-tail-feather dove introduces herself as Libertine. She begins to exposit about how Maya needs to fulfill her destiny (gag) and Arabella is possessed and serves Apollyon, the King of Darkness. Maya asks what it means to be possessed, which is a concept that most people don’t struggle with. The dove explains that it means that a spirit lives inside you and controls what you do. The dove exposits for awhile longer and flies back to the tree. Then Arabella pipes up and tells them that they shouldn’t listen to the doves, and going to the lagoon will only lead to disaster, blah blah. Joey asks her how she knows this, and Tesch uses the single most….unique…dialogue tag that I have ever seen:

“Because I am a part of it, “Arabella sizzled. (page 53).

Sizzled? Really? How the fuck do you ‘sizzle’ dialogue, unless you’re anthropomorphic frying pan? Also, the quotation mark being attached to Arabella instead of ‘it’? Yeah, that’s how it actually appears in the book. Proofreading? What’s that?

Arabella continued, “Here is my ‘aphorism of trouble’, my statement of truth for you: ‘Over seven bridges must you go’!

You have to successfully pass seven stations of temptations to reach the lagoon!

Hear me! Hear me! ‘Heaven and Earth’, hear this aphorism saying by the great Arabella: ‘Over seven bridges must you go’!” (page 54)

Where to begin? The obvious first: this isn’t an aphorism. Even if it was, what exactly is the point of saying ‘aphorism saying’? That’s almost as stupid as the title “Manos: The Hands of Fate”. Also, Tesch seems to be trying to deliberately enrage me by throwing in little bits of Destiny and fortune-tellers. Sure, let’s just telegraph the entire story before it actually happens, why not?

Joey says something sarcastically which isn’t actually sarcastic, and it’s not even close, so that’s another drink. Maya says that they need to go to the lagoon, and Hoppy nods in agreement. How, precisely, would you see a grasshopper nod? This is not an oversized grasshopper. It’s tiny, and it’s poking out of Joey’s pocket. I think we need to add a drink for every time Hoppy does something completely unrealistic. Anyway, the sometimes-omniscient narrator tells us that Joey has already decided that he’s going to go visit King Apollyon. In other words, he’s going to pull an Edmund.

Then we get these idiotic quotes:

Maya knew what Joey was thinking because his past history showed clearly that Joey always tried to get what he wanted (page 54).

Reasonable, although we don’t have any examples of this actually happening, we’re just told that it has happened. But this is immediately followed by this:

Maya and Joey had made their final decision not to follow the advice of Arabella to get riches, success and money but instead to follow the doves (page 55).

Ignoring the fact that that sentence is one of the worst sentences in the English language, how have they made their final decision? You just told us how Joey has secretly decided to sneak off to the White Witch’s castle to get more Turkish Delight!

They walk for awhile. Joey notices his watch has stopped. Maya thinks it’s nothing. But Joey wonders if the fact that his watch has stopped means that his compass isn’t working either. GASP! And no, they don’t actually test the compass to see if this is true. After all, it’s not like they’re relying on it at all.

Drinks: 13

Chapter Twelve – Glitter of Darkness

Maya is jealous because Joey has already made a friend, in Hoppy. Slave, rather. Anyway, the doves land in a glitter tree and then start falling to the ground. Turns out that this is not just a glitter tree, it’s a POISON GLITTER TREE. The horror!

Maya cleans the glitter off the doves – the poison doesn’t affect her, I guess – and the doves are very thankful. They’re fine, too. Apparently all you need to do is brush the poison glitter off and then you’re fine. But I’m starting to wonder if they should be following these doves. You’d think that reasonably intelligent creatures would be able to tell the poison glitter from the regular glitter.

One of the doves makes a cryptic comment about how the ‘spies of darkness’ will try to end their mission. Great. Now they have a Mission?

Drinks: 5

Chapter Thirteen – Oraculus and the Prophecy

Shit. Now there’s a Prophecy as well?

So they get to a swamp. There’s a frog. It starts talking to them. With the help of a lot of unneeded quotation marks, the frog says that there is a Legend that says a brother and sister, called ‘The Encouragers’ (really? No, really?) would show up and help the ‘Land of Maradonia’ fight back against the ‘kingdom of darkness’. The clichés mount rapidly. He pointedly says that Apollyon is Evil and then starts to tweak out because the legend has come true and he has seen the coming of The Encouragers. And there’s another quote that is truly too amazing for me to have made up:

I can already smell the smoke of the burning fire when your last test, the ‘burnt offering’ is successfully completed and the people of Maradonia are inspired, stimulated, and reassured by the actions and by the success of ‘The Encouragers’ (page 62).

I can’t really improve this with snarky comments, so I’m just going to say that I giggled very immaturely at the thought of Maya and Joey stimulating the people of Maradonia.

The frog introduces himself as Oraculus, and then the semi-omniscient narrator tells us that Arabella has been following them and is listening in. Joey is very excited to be an encourager, but Maya starts to tweak out a little bit. And thus follows probably the most amazing speech I have ever seen. This speech could win Oscars. I want to deliver this as a monologue on Broadway. It’s that good. Observe:

“Listen Oraculus, my name is Maya and I am fifteen years old and this is my brother Joey. He is fourteen years old and his is a fashion freak if you understand what that means. [snip] I am only a teenager. I don’t have a boyfriend and when I went once to the movie theater and was holding hands with a very nice boy from the neighborhood and Joey told my parents about it, you should have seen my father. He got so angry that he forbid me to set my foot into any movie theater alone and made his final decision that our family will not install the ‘internet’ in our house, if you understand what I mean. We have only local television in our home and I am dreaming about my own cell phone. Everybody in my class has one, except me. I feel that I am cut off from the real world. I am alone! I have nobody! I am sitting here in this dirty swamp and listen to a grasshopper (page 64).

I have a feeling that Tesch is channeling a lot of angst into her author insert. Also, that ‘listen’ instead of ‘listening’? Yeah, that’s in the book.

Anyway, Maya continues for two more solid pages, has a serious breakdown (not kidding, Tesch describes it exactly like that), starts crying, and gets all shaky and out of breath. Finally she calms down and gets to the crux of the matter:

“And I do not want to talk or listen to you any more unless you answer this one question, ‘Why is it that the sun is not moving, like normal’? “ (page 65).

Yes. That is her grand question. Not about Apollyon. Or the doves. Or their Destiny. Or the Prophecy. Or the fact that they found an underground portal to an alternate universe. Nope, Maya is desperate to discover the science behind the unmoving sun.

Oraculus explains that it’s because the sun never goes down in Maradonia. He goes onto explain that you can spend a thousand years in Maradonia and when you get back to the US only one day will have passed. So Maradonia is Narnia, essentially. In Tesch’s words:

The ‘Land of Maradonia’ is a land between lands or let me explain it with these words ‘a space between spaces’ and you came bodily into this land (page 66).

No, I didn’t leave out any commas or periods. This is exactly what the book is like. No exaggeration whatsoever.

Finally Joey says that he wants to be an encourager and all that.

Oraculus explains that the eagle is called Sagitta and serves King Ruach, which sounds awkward, so I’m going to call him King Roach. Oraculus exposits that King Roach has four servants (Sagitta is one of them) and they can all fly and they can see everything in the entire land and also see every single thought that every single creature in the entire land has. I wonder, then, why Roach doesn’t rule the world. That ability is incredibly overpowered. The frog explains that Maya has faith and Joey has imagination and this potent combination means they are encouragers and have Powahs. He also says that there’s a king of Maradonia, apparently, named King Astrodoulos. I now have no idea how Apollyon and Roach fit into this picture. Apparently, Astro King dove into a pool of blood and now he’s indestructible. Joey wants to visit this pool and become indestructible. Then he sees Arabella and starts screaming. Yes, the transition happens just that abruptly. Not that I would call it a transition. Then Arabella takes off for ‘Mountain Peak Glacier’, which sounds like a national park instead of a fantasy location. But at least this time Tesch isn’t spelling it ‘peek’.

Oraculus enters a trance and says they need to go to the Poseidon Stone Plateau. He further exposits about other things that are going to happen to them but I’m not interested in spoiling the story. He spends two more pages providing nothing but exposition and there’s six or seven sentences that are so horribly written, so lacking even the basic competence that the shittiest of published writers have, sentences so atrocious that Robert Stanek would give a Beretta a blowjob before he wrote them. Essentially, after awhile they will bathe in the pool of blood, become Mary-Sues, and lead the world against Apollyon. And the knowledge that all the stars are going to align in their favor horrifies them:

This was just too much for the siblings and both of them started to cry bitterly after they heard the message of Oraculus.

Joey said “I don’t want to die! I want to go home. I don’t want this ‘Abaddon Dude’ to kill my sister and me. We want to go home” (page 78)

Yeah. Abaddon Dude.

Then suddenly a hush falls over the swamp. And…the chapter ends.

Drinks: 76*

*That is not a typo.

Comment [29]

Chapter Fourteen – The Eagle Has Landed

Chapter fourteen opens with actually a pretty decent picture of an eagle that is absolutely covered in eyes. I guess that’s how it sees everything. The chapter title sounds like something a Secret Service agent whispers into his collar after Marine One lands on the White House lawn, which is a little bit jarring.

Listening to Oraculus and thinking about his message was more than the teenagers could handle. They felt that this was the final end of their journey because both of them were emotionally exhausted and irrationally confused by the speech. This situation was unbearable for them and they agreed to go home.

Joey was checking out his compass for some directions that could lead them home safe and sound, as Maya made her final preparations by organizing her backpack (pages 79-80).

Christmas.

What’s the point of saying ‘final end’? How is it even possible to be irrationally confused, and why would you be emotionally exhausted by listening to someone talk for ten minutes? How is any of this unbearable? You can’t get directions from a compass, that’s not how a compass works. And backpacks aren’t organized, you just throw shit into them for storage, nor would anyone need to prepare by organizing a backpack. Not that Maya has anything in her backpack beside a change of clothes, anyway.

Suddenly the air splits in an explosion and the eagle, Sagitta, lands. Sagitta repeats most of what Oraculus has already told him. He adds that the ‘tunnel of time’ that will take them back to the US has already closed and it’s not going to re-open until they’ve completed their mission.

Maya looked at Joey with an astonished face, realizing that this might be ‘their calling’ and so she said, “If we are not being able to go back home to our parents because the tunnel will not open up to us until we have fulfilled our mission in the ‘Land of Maradonia’ we better listen to Sagitta” (page 81).

I’m not making any of these quotes up. And yes, this has now become their Calling.

Tesch moves on to explaining what kind of person Joey is:

Joey’s nature and his reactions in several different situations in life were basically very emotional and spontaneous but this time he was thinking (page 81).

Right, that totally makes sense.

Joey is suddenly gung ho about the entire thing, even though literally five minutes earlier he was irrationally confused and emotionally exhausted and wanted to go home. He starts talking about how there is no turning back and they have to concentrate on the future and fulfill their destiny because it’s their calling. Yes, he actually says all of that. He also says that they have now conquered the ‘Decision Test’ that Oraculus was talking about in the previous chapter. Yes, that was a very difficult test, considering the decision was made for them.

Joey also refers to the eagle as an ‘Air Taxi’, which is rather insulting and makes me want the eagle to rip his spleen out of his body, even more than I normally want a giant carnivorous bird to rip Joey’s spleen out. Which sets us up for a totally nonsensical quote to close this chapter out:

Hoppy, sitting on Joey’s shoulder looked at the eagle and said “An ‘Air Taxi’! Huh…? It looks to me more like an ‘Air Shuttle’ because there is room for a whole assembly.” (page 82).

Hoppy doesn’t know what ‘taxi’ means. Or what ‘shuttle’ means. And there isn’t room for an entire assembly inside a shuttle. And there isn’t room for an assembly on top of this fucking eagle.

Drinks: 10

Chapter Fifteen – On the Wings of the Eagle

Picture of an eagle flying. On the eagle’s back are either two warts or two poorly drawn stick figures, I can’t tell which.

They climb on Sagitta and the eagle takes off. They fly. After awhile Joey looks down and wishes that he could conquer all of the mountains. Why, I have no idea, but this leads to one of the most batshit insane conversations in this entire book. I’m guessing that Tesch is trying to be very deep and meta and wise, and is failing miserably. Anyway, Sagitta says:

“Mountains cannot be conquered! You conquer yourself! You conquer your fears and can conquer your own future but you will never conquer a mountain!”

Joey was looking at the mountains and replied,” Mountains cannot be conquered! I did not know that, but now I understand that I must conquer myself, my hopes and my fears and by conquering them I have conquered the mountains of my own future.” (page 85).

I really don’t know why you would want to conquer your hopes. Also, if mountains cannot be conquered, how can you conquer them by conquering yourself, your hopes, and your fears?

Later, Maya falls off the eagle, but then Sagitta dives down underneath her and catches her, so no harm done. Eventually they land next to the Poseidon Rock Plateau and disembark.

Drinks: 11

Chapter Sixteen – At the Poseidon Rock

So they’re on a beach. Sagitta reminds them that they have to find twelve flint stones, as Oraculus told them, to find the entrance to the fjord. Maya and Joey look around for a bit, can’t find anything, and then realize that maybe the stones are buried under the sand. Now, they’re standing on an enormous beach. Despite this, after about ten minutes of digging with sticks they find the dozen stones.

It was exactly as Oraculus and Sagitta had mentioned it to them. With the detection of the twelve flint stones they found the fjord at the point where the three rivers merged into one (page 89).

Yes. That’s it. Not a single line about what actually happens or how this worked. Nothing. They find the stones, and the stones show them where the fjord is. That’s exactly how it happens in the book.

They hear screams and moaning coming from the Plateau, which Joey assumes is the ‘Abaddon Dude’ in prison. Right. So they’re walking along the fjord and the rocks are slippery because there’s some water – and yeah, I’ve just realized that Tesch has no fucking clue what a fjord is. I think that she thinks it’s a kind of dam that crosses a river. Anyway, Joey slips and falls into a waterfall and is carried a ways by the current. One of the doves sees him and alerts Sagitta. Considering that Sagitta can see everything in the world, I don’t know why he needs a dove to alert him. This doesn’t really instill me with confidence. But my brief hopes that Joey is going to a watery grave ends when Deus Ex Sagitta rescues Joey, minus his backpack and a shoe.

Maya runs over to Joey, who coughs up some water and asks if they passed the test. Apparently they did, because they’re on the other side of the river. Wait, that was a test? And if it was, why the hell didn’t Sagitta just fly them across the river?

This is the stupidest book I have ever read.

Maya tells Joey how happy she is that he’s alive and that it’s her fault that he almost drowned and she should have taken better care of him. Which is bullshit because she specifically told Joey to slow down and be more careful and Joey ignored her, right before he went into the drink.

Joey is worried because Hoppy is gone and he’s afraid that Hoppy drowned. But then Libertine comes flying back with Joey’s missing shoe, and inside is Hoppy.

Wait a second.

Let me get this straight, Tesch.

So a boy falls into a wild current. At this point his feet are about four feet under the surface of the water. So one of his shoes comes off his foot and immediately rises to the surface of the water and floats there in the raging current. Then a grasshopper, who is inside Joey’s pocket, which is also at least two feet beneath the surface of the water, crawls out, swims up to the surface of the river, leaps over and jumps into the shoe, and then rides inside the shoe as it goes over a waterfall, but the shoe keeps floating until a dove comes flying down and picks up the shoe and carries it back to Joey and Maya.

I’m pretty sure this book was written on a bad acid trip.

A few minutes Sagitta comes back with Joey’s backpack that she found floating several miles downstream. So the entire incident ends with no lasting effects on any of the characters. Somehow I’m not surprised.

Drinks: 10

Chapter Seventeen – Stuck in the Jungle

Joey takes all his clothes off and spreads them out to dry, which sounds a little awkward, since he’s standing in front of his sister. He pulls out his compass and sure enough, it’s still working perfectly. I kinda think they are going to make it throughout this entire book without anything bad happening to them.

Joey mentions something in his Geography class about the directions. Apparently you can remember them by saying “Never Eat Soggy Waffles”. Which isn’t clever, because these are the cardinal directions. There are four of them. They are not that hard to remember.

Tesch thinks that Maya and Joey are suddenly ‘Poseidon Rock Conquerors’, but I’m not buying it. After a bit they head down along the river, towards the lagoon. I really don’t know why they’re not flying. If Sagitta is there to follow their every whim (and he has basically admitted that he is) why aren’t they still flying?

Well, because that’s boring. And the Plot Dictates Otherwise.

They struggle through a jungle for a bit until they get stuck. Joey pulls a kitchen knife out of his backpack. I’m guessing that this is a Mary Poppins backpack that he will just use to pull out whatever the situation calls for until the end of the book.

“Character is power, my dear sister. I have nearly every thing with me that we need” (page 98).

Like I said. Also, what the hell does that even mean?

Joey begins cutting their way free. Then some monkeys appear and start throwing coconuts at them. Then they get to the river and some crocodiles eye them hungrily. Then they run back into the jungle and they meet a giant snake. This tells them that they have arrived at the ‘Trespassing Test’, which doesn’t make sense, but I don’t really care, I just want them to die. Tesch will not oblige me, though. Instead, Joey comes up with an ingenious plan:

“Maya, let me tell you something. Do not be afraid of going slowly through this trespassing area. Be afraid of standing still!” Joey came up with a strategy which made his sister very proud of him (page 100).

I’m guessing that going slowly is the strategy, because that’s all that he says. So I guess Maya doesn’t expect much of Joey. Which kinda makes sense.

“Ok Joey, good idea. It’s so right as it could be because if we are afraid and do nothing we will be doomed. Let’s move on and conquer the test. The snake might be gone.” (page 100).

Doing nothing is frequently a very good strategy. But they go out and of course the snake isn’t gone. It’s enormous. The snake informs them that they’re only going to pass through his territory over his dead body. So Joey chops the snake’s head off with the kitchen knife.

Yes. A fourteen-year-old boy, using an ordinary kitchen butcher knife, swings it like a sword and manages to decapitate an enormous snake in a single blow.

I have nothing to say about that that you are not already saying in your head.

Joey picks a banana leaf, wraps the snake’s head in it, and sticks it into his backpack. Hoppy dubs him Joey, the snake slayer.

Also, apparently Hoppy can change colors like a chameleon.

Yeah.

Drinks: 12

Comment [21]

Chapter Eighteen – Sunflower Fields

Note: I’m adding a drink for every time a character starts monologuing.

Our two intrepid heroes head back to the river bank. Conveniently, all of the crocodiles are gone, so they continue on towards the ‘Lake Lagoon’, basking in the knowledge that they’ve passed the test. How they know this, I really don’t know.

Maya and Joey discuss where Libertine and Sagitta are, which leads to another random bit of wisdom from Maya:

“Eagles don’t flock! They fly very high in the air and you have to find them by looking up and not down.” Maya said looking around. “I also think that leaders must be able to concentrate under difficult conditions and circumstances to keep their heads up when all others around them are losing their heads in despair and fear” (page 104).

This first part would make more sense of Joey had made a comment about eagles flocking, but he didn’t. Maybe Tesch accidentally deleted that line from the book. Or maybe she’s trying to convince us that Maya has a strange type of Tourette’s where she randomly just blurts out long, nonsensical sentences that are sort of related to the subject at hand but not really. Also, the second bit would be a great deal funnier if the last four words weren’t there.

Suddenly they arrive at an ocean of flowers. Like sunflowers but bigger. Maya says that they have a very unique color, which is funny, since they’re described as being yellow.

Maya jumped up and clapped her hands with joy. At that moment hundreds of orange birds flew up from the sunflower fields and disappeared in the higher grounds in front of them. “Where did all these orange birds come from?” Joey asked.

“Yes, where did they come from and where did they go?” Hoppy asked (page 105).

First, jumping up and clapping your hands is idiotic. Go ahead. Stand up from your computer screen, jump in the air and clap your hands. Feels stupid, doesn’t it? If you were in a public place, I’m sure everyone turned and looked at you as if you were retarded, didn’t they? This is something that I might expect a three-year-old to do, and that’s a stretch. Second, the orange birds came from underneath the giant sunflowers, and third, they went into the higher ground in front of them. What kind of questions are these?

They get further and further into the field of sunflowers. Tesch lets us know that the sunflowers are at least five times higher than Maya. Some quick Googling tells us the average height for fifteen-year-old American girls is 5’0” to 5’2”. So these sunflowers would be around twenty-six feet tall. Now, the Guinness World Record for sunflowers is over twenty-five feet, so this isn’t entirely implausible, however, extremely tall sunflowers usually need some kind of pole next to them to help support them.

Eh, who am I kidding? These are magic Narnian flowers, they don’t need to follow the laws of physics.

The flowers get thicker and thicker and blot out the sun. Soon they’re having to crawl through them. Then they get separated. How, I’m not sure. You’d think once it went dark they would start holding hands or something. Anyway, finally Maya breaks through and gets out the other side, but Joey is gone. She yells his name but there’s no response.

We skip back to Joey, who puts his boy scout skills to work:

He glanced at his compass, looked for a different way and chose to go left toward the river (page 107).

Compasses don’t tell you which way is left or right.

He crawls for a bit and finds himself in a giant bamboo forest. Just what you’d expect to find next to a field of giant sunflowers. Unsure of what to do next, Joey finally pulls Hoppy out of his pocket and tells him to climb the bamboo tree and tell him where the river is. When the grasshopper comes down he tells Joey where to go to get to the river.

Joey looked at the bamboo curtain and said to Hoppy, “It seems that we are just separated by this bamboo curtain. I have learned during this journey many things and one of the things is that leadership is a privilege and with privilege comes responsibility” (page 108).

segue [seg-wey]
- verb (used without object)
3. To make a transition from one thing to another smoothly and without interruption.

I really, really want to email Gloria Tesch with nothing but a link to dictionary.com’s definition of this word.

Also, leadership is not a privilege. It is a responsibility, but I have no idea how Joey realized this. In fact, I don’t think he has realized this.

Joey pulls out his knife and starts hacking his way through the bamboo forest. Speaking from experience, kitchen knives aren’t meant for hacking your way through foliage. You know what happens when you try? They break. But eventually, he reaches the ‘Samana River’.

Drinks: 6

Chapter Nineteen – The Pond of Bacchus

I’m pretty sure the ‘Bacchus’ references only goes as far as his appearance in Narnia.

Maya worries and wishes that Libertine was there and would tell her what to do. Ah, completely helpless female characters. I hate them so much.

Suddenly a brown bear comes lumbering along with her three cubs. Maya is frightened and creeps off until the bears are out of sight and then takes off running. Finally she stops next to what looks like a giant puddle of something black and sticky. She’s curious so she bends over and sticks a finger in and suddenly the orange birds swoop down in front of her.

Maya lost her balance and fell into the ‘gooey substance’. She screamed at the top of her lunges and all the orange birds flew up into the sky (page 111).

Yes. Screams at the top of her lunges. Ah, typos.

Maya slides in deeper and deeper, and suddenly this novel takes a rather unusual turn:

She started to say a prayer which she had learned in Sunday school:

“Save me Lord, save me Lord, hold my hands and save me Lord!” (page 111).

In addition to this being roughly the dumbest prayer I’ve ever heard, and even more proof that this is a total rip-off of Narnia, I have to wonder something. Is Maya supposed to be a Christian? I’m guessing she at least has a semi-religious background. Regardless, even if she’s just the kind of person who whips a prayer out when her life is in danger, it raises the question of why Maya didn’t say a prayer when she was drowning in the pool.

Also, since Maya is basically an author insert, I wonder if Tesch is religious at all. The kind of religious person who writes sentences in children’s book like ‘Get yo’ ass over the damn fence!’.

Suddenly the doves show up. Libertine apologizes and says they were off fighting the evil fairies. Maya tells her to find Joey and bring him to save her. Libertine and a few other doves fly off.

“I wish Sagitta would be around and pull me out of this goop!”

One of the doves that Libertine left with Maya said “It is not Sagitta’s test! It is your test! There is no gain without pain and a person who stays in the valley will never reach the hill!” (page 112).

Right. So when Sagitta told them that she was ordered to help them at all times? Yeah, that was total bullshit. Even though she helped them out during a previous ‘test’. It’s almost as if there aren’t any actual ‘rules’ and Tesch is just randomly making up excuses to fit the plot as she writes it. But no, she would never do something like that!

I’m not even going to touch that little nugget of ‘wisdom’ at the end.

Libertine flies around until she finds Joey, and then:

Libertine and her three companions dived from the sky like ‘Little Kamikaze Bombers’ and circled around Joeys head (page 112).

I’m really not seeing the similarity between rescue doves and Japanese suicide pilots, and there should be an apostrophe in Joeys.

The doves tell Joey that Maya is drowning in a pond of toxic waste – yes, that is what they call it – and so Joey takes off running as fast as he can and he sees Maya up to her chin and chops a thick, strong, branch off of a nearby bush – yes, a bush – with his kitchen knife – yes, a kitchen knife – and swings it down and Maya grabs it and he starts pulling it out.

Meanwhile the commotion has attracted the attention of the brown bear. So Libertine and co. dive towards the bear (like an arrow this time) and start pecking its head and pulling it on is ears. A missing apostrophe later, the bear decides to give up against this vicious dove onslaught and takes off.

Joey eventually pulls Maya out. Libertine explains that the toxic waste dries as hard as stone and so they need to take her to the river and wash her off.

“One disaster comes seldom alone!” said Joey (page 115).

Yeah.

Joey cuts three branches and puts a bunch of banana leaves on them. From the nearby banana tree that was growing next to the pond of toxic waste. Anyway, the potent combination of three branches, banana leaves, and rope somehow makes a ‘handmade stretcher’, and he drags Maya towards the river. Eventually they arrive and wash it off and everyone survives. Hooray!

Drinks: 14

Chapter Twenty – The Third Eye

A whole new chapter, all new nonsensical quotes. I think Gloria Tesch wrote this on acid. Or maybe her mother did acid while she was pregnant with her.

The doves have to leave and Maya gives us this gem:

“I know now that I cannot escape the responsibilities of tomorrow by avoiding them today” (page 118).

Which isn’t too terribly crazy in and of itself, although if they’re responsibilities of TOMORROW, why would you need to do them today? Regardless, how is this related to what just happened? Maya didn’t have any responsibilities. They were walking through a sunflower forest and then she fell into a vat of toxic waste, and I’m guessing it’s not going give her superpowers. How does any of this have to do with procrastinating on your responsibilities?

Oh well. Maya and Joey sit down and have a heart-to-heart. Joey rambles about how much he’s grown and how he’s learned random shit about being a leader. Maya mentions that they’ve mastered the ‘Separation and Cleansing Test’ which has to be the most unimaginative name ever.

They move on to talking about how it’s weird that a creature like Sagitta can see with the eyes inside her. I’m not sure how they know that Sagitta has eyes inside her, but whatever. Maya has an explanation, though:

“I learned that many women in India mark their foreheads with a dot and call it ‘the third eye or the inner eye’.

Maybe everybody needs a third eye or an inner eye to see and recognize the truth and the real circumstances in life” (page 120).

Yeah. And maybe they don’t. Joey, however, agrees, and launches into a truly magnificent speech. The kind of speech that might be acceptable to launch into at the end of the book, after months and months of grueling effort, near-death experiences, and a slow, methodical change to your point of view:

“Yeah, you are right Maya. I really feel it in my soul and I can also see it with my inner eye that I have changed and that I am still in the process of changing during this journey. I don’t know Maya, how you feel, but I don’t have the right words to explain all of the changes which took place within me but when I look back and I see were we came from and how we were fighting at home in the normal world for all these dumb little things, like T-shirts, colored pencils, paper pads, books and…and…and… I realize that I grew inside of myself and that I am at least ten years wiser. We see things mostly not as they really are, we see the things as we are or as we want to see them.” Joey said (page 120).

Some thoughts: yes, it really says ‘were we came from’. Yes, all those commas are really there. And yes, apparently they fought over T-shirts and paper pads. Not things like toys or the TV remote. Also, I’ve changed a great deal over my life, and never, not even once, have I sat down with a sibling and had a heart-to-heart talk where I discussed how I’d changed dramatically over the past few days.

Then again, I’ve never being transported into Narnia, so maybe Tesch is onto something here.

Hoppy says that he doesn’t see anything except for glitter, which sounds ominous, as we know that glitter is poisonous in Teschland.

Drinks: 7

Comment [23]

Chapter Twenty-One – The Iron Curtain

Occasionally, if I’m really tired, I briefly wonder if all of these names have some sort of deeper, hidden meaning, like some sort of special significance that would allow an attentive reader to figure out events later in the book, or possibly just being some sort of inside joke from the author. Then I remember that this book is written by Gloria Tesch and it’s because she’s not creative enough to come up with her own names.

Maya and Joey head over to a glitter tree, which still makes me roll my eyes. And just past the glitter tree is an enormous silver metal wall. It’s the kind of thing that’s very noticeable. Even more noticeable than a glitter tree. How did they not see this?

They did not see the end of it as far as they could see.

The wall went as far as there eyes could see (page 122).

Yes, those are two consecutive sentences. And yes, she did use ‘there’, not ‘their’.

They talk for a bit about really obvious things. Like that the wall is really big and it’s in their way. Joey is immature and hits it with his knife, which sounds both dangerous and like a good way to damage your knife.

Maya says that if Sagitta was here she could carry them over the wall. Which sounds like a really good idea. What was that quote again?

“I am ordered to help you at all times!” Sagitta replied (page 87).

Really, Tesch? You couldn’t think of a better reason? The damn eagle is all-seeing, it’s like a personal Deus ex Machina, there is no reason for it to not be here to carry them over the wall. Or to simply fly them all the way to the lagoon. And it’s not even that hard to come up with a good reason to get rid of her, if you want your heroes to struggle for a bit. Have Sagitta say that she has to leave to battle the feared one-eyed demon of Sta’nek and she’ll be back in a week. Boom, problem solved. This is not rocket science.

Maya and Joey talk about whether the fairies are behind all of this, and then we get this:

Hopelessness was visible on their faces including Hoppy’s, because Hoppy found out that touching the wall created temporary blindness in his eyes (page 123).

Yeah. No, this blindness is not significant and doesn’t affect the story. At all. Also, grasshopper expressions don’t change that much. In my experience.

Maya begins talking about how Sagitta has inner eyes. And what that means. I really hate it when Tesch tries to get philosophical. It’s like reading the diary of someone addicted to crystal meth.

“We have to concentrate on our own inner mind because there is no security in the world.” (page 124)

What the fuck does that even mean?

Maya continues rambling about how if Sagitta and the doves come to help them out they will miss the opportunity because they always expect help from the outside. And if they keep having other people bail them out they will never learn to rely on themselves. Which actually does kind’ve make sense, and would be a valid point, if Tesch had just written that instead of trying to transcend the English language.

“Joey, we will overcome this wall by concentrating on our inner power, our inner strength and master this situation as hopeless as it seems.” Maya said.

Hoppy started chirping and singing his favorite song, “We will overco-o-o-ome, we will overco-o-o-ome one day…” (page 125)

Yeah, that’s right. A Narnian grasshopper’s favorite song is a popular protest song steeped in religious history from the 1950’s. In America. Somehow this seems a little…anachronistic.

Maya tells them to sit down, cover their eyes with their left hand, cover their heart with their right hand, and meditate until they find a solution.

“Meditation?” Joey said.

“Yes, meditation! Close your eyes and shut up!” Maya shouted (page 125).

And I suddenly start liking Maya quite a bit more. Hopefully she says that more often in the pages to come.

Hoppy was still peaking but finally closed his eyes and said “The man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd.” (page 126)

While this is true, it’s not really related to what they’re doing. And how would Hoppy know this quote? And what is peaking?

Suddenly Maya gets an idea. She gets up and screams that she knows what to do. I don’t know why she’s screaming. But her grand plan is to go under the wall. Well. That was a difficult one. You basically have three choices, go around, go over, and go under, and the first two sound a little time-consuming.

They find a soft sandy spot. The wall doesn’t go down into the ground so it’s not too terribly difficult to dig a hole underneath and get through.

Drinks: 7

Chapter Twenty-Two – Deception and Temptation

The picture on the front of this chapter is the two-faced chick from the front cover of the book. I have no idea if this is going to be significant.

They walk for a bit. Libertine and Sagitta show up again, so Maya and Joey immediately know they’re on the right track. Because the doves and the eagle are around. Although the doves and the eagle might just be following them.

Libertine then said, “It is good that you know where you are going because if a person does not know what direction he has to go, any wind is the right wind for him” (page 129).

Except they don’t know where they’re going.

Libertine warns them about fairies. They come in various forms and are deceptive and stuff. Some are invisible. And they have powers. And Tesch still doesn’t know the difference between there and their. And then Libertine is interrupted by music.

Drinks: 4

Chapter Twenty-Three – The Wagons of El Dorado

There’s a picture of a crying unicorn. No, seriously. A crying unicorn. This needs a scan.

And as we all know, unicorn tears turn into jelly beans!

Also, El Dorado? Seriously?

Some wagons come up. They’re being pulled by six unicorns. And Maya and Joey love unicorns. How do you love something that doesn’t exist? Although there are plenty of people in love with Edward Cullen. So…never mind.

Maya notices the unicorns have tears in their eyes. And then Tesch goes into a long description of these young girls singing and wearing pretty dresses and making music and stuff. The music is entrancing. Maya and Joey become Happy. Joey gets on a wagon and it’s like a toy store. Joey is smitten.

The girls start talking to them about how they’ve been through a lot and they should stay here and hang out with them and achieve True Happiness and all their cares and worries will disappear forever and they’ll be one big happy family and have multiple orgasms every day. Okay, not the last part, but it’s sort’ve implied.

The flowers are like a narcotic. Yeah, it’s explicitly said. I can just imagine young children setting this book down and saying “Mommy, what’s a narcotic?” Except that nobody is actually reading this book. Except for me. For some reason.

Maya looks in her wagon and sees three different cell phones, a computer, tons of clothes, concert tickets, jewels…all sorts of stuff. Then she goes down to the crying unicorns and asks them why they’re crying. The unicorns say they’re not allowed to answer. Maya feels more and more drugged but realizes that something is wrong.

Maya got so weak from the inhalation of the fragrance that she nearly passed out. She held herself upright on the holster of the unicorns (page 138).

Yes. Holster. And Tesch uses it several more times. I think she’s confusing ‘holster’ with ‘harness’.

Some of the musicians try to load Maya into the wagon but her hand has locked onto the holster and they can’t pull her loose.

The Commander said sternly, “Break the fingers of her hand or break the whole hand off and then throw her body on the wagon!”

It was like a ‘Blitz Action’ which hit the mind of Joey. “What was that? What did you say?” asked Joey. “Break her fingers or break her hand off and through her body on the wagon? You don’t do that to my sister Maya.” (page 139).

Yes. Blitz Action. Capitalized, italicized, and in quotation marks. That’s four drinks right there. Also, Tesch used ‘through’ instead of ‘throw’.

Joey leaps down, whips out his knife, and tells everyone to back off. He launches into a monologue about how he knows who they are and that they’re evil. I guess it’s for the benefit of the reader because no one in the actual scene needs to know what he says. Maya wakes up and agrees with him. Literally:

“I’ll also tell you something,” said Maya. “My brother Joey is right with every word he said about you!

You should know that we have to fulfill a mission.

Our mission provides us with a vision and having a vision is the art of seeing things invisible.” (page 140).

Actually, it isn’t, but whatever.

Drinks: 17

Chapter Twenty-Four – Walls of Fire

As Maya and Joey are about to leave, a voice introduces herself as Gertrude and says they are worms. Ah, Gertrude. It reminds me of a slightly shriveled librarian. Not overly intimidating. Then Gertrude makes a giant wall of fire appear in front of them. Slightly more intimidating. Although, why didn’t she just make the wall of fire appear under them? I think that would solve this problem once and for all.

I guess maybe they want Maya and Joey for some nefarious purpose, so they need to capture them alive.

“We will crush you once and for all and then we will burn your bodies with fire and blow your ashes into all the four directions of the wind!” Gertrude said (page 142).

Never mind.

Maya tells Joey to concentrate on his inner strength and ignore Gertrude. Joey points out that there’s a sheet of flame in front of them.

Then Maya said, “I tell you that this fire wall is only an illusion and we’re going to walk right through it. Even the smell of fire will not be on us. Not one single hair on our heads will have the scent of fire.” (page 142).

I’m getting a strong Biblical fiery furnace vibe from this.

They link hands and leap through the wall of fire and are fine. Then Gertrude repeats her threat, so they start getting worried again. But suddenly Deus ex Sagitta swoops down and brings her friend ‘Cato’. Cato has a mighty thunder and lightning hammer. Okay then. Henceforth, Cato shall be known as Thor.

Sagitta tells Gertrude to free the unicorns and piss off or Thor will kick all of their asses. Gertrude agrees, frees the unicorns, and all the fairies vanish. Sagitta and Thor leave, and the unicorns start prancing around happily. And Maya and Joey are shining. Because they’re reflecting the presence of light that Sagitta and Thor brought with them. Or something.

Libertine flies down and starts monologuing. Again. She talks about how they’ve reached a higher level of understanding and conquered another test and their hands are anointed and they’re going to become mighty leaders and so on and so forth. And then this:

“We must hurry because Abbadon will be free from the pit of his prison shortly.” (page 146).

This raises a couple questions for me.

First, are they freeing Abaddon? Because if they are, why? This is stupid.

Second, if Abaddon is escaping, and they know he’s escaping, why don’t they stop him? This is stupid.

Third, if it’s been prophesied that he will be freed, why don’t they use the prophecy to keep that from happening? Isn’t that the general idea? This is stupid.

Drinks: 8

Comment [18]

Chapter Twenty-Five – The Dream in the Snow Storm

The picture at the beginning of this chapter involves a girl being awfully…forward…with a unicorn. I don’t want to make any suggestions here, but I haven’t seen an equine look that happy with itself since Clerks II.

Incidentally, this scene never actually appears in this chapter.

Maya and Joey both climb aboard a unicorn and they set off for the waterfalls. I’m not sure why they’re going to the waterfalls. I thought they were heading for a lagoon. Maybe the waterfall falls into a lagoon.

Maya thinks to herself about how awesome it is to be riding a unicorn so she doesn’t have to walk anymore. Yeah, you know who is still walking? That’s right, the unicorn. That is now carrying your fat ass. I can’t help but notice that the unicorns never actually offer to carry Maya and Joey.

The small herd of six unicorns galloped uphill on the stony mountain path (page 148).

I’m going to take this as conclusive proof that Tesch has no idea how horses work, because “gallop” and “uphill” and “stony mountain path” should never be used in the same sentence together.

It gets cold. Maya and Joey put their jackets on. You know, glancing back at the scene where they pack, Tesch never actually says they pack jackets. I guess the Mary Poppins bag theory is actually true.

It starts snowing and gets very cold. Hoppy says that he’s going to freeze to death so Joey wraps him in a handkerchief and that is that. Somehow I doubt that will work. I also kind’ve wonder how light jackets will protect them from being on top of a mountain. Let’s not forget, they packed while they were in Florida. In the middle of summer.

Eventually, their path is blocked by snow. The leader of the unicorns, called Imperator, says that they’ll all huddle around and Maya and Joey can lay on their warm bellies. And somehow that just sounds dirty. Although another unicorn thinks it’s a brilliant idea.

“Imperator, this is a good plan at the right time. You are indeed not only a patient companion but also a great leader.” (page 149).

Which may or may not be true, but still, that’s no excuse for actually saying it that awkwardly.

The unicorns clean the path of the snow with their hooves, which sounds like it wouldn’t work very well, and everyone lays down and falls asleep. Maya and Joey have an identical dream.

They took their clothes off, threw them aside, jumped into the pool and sank all the way down the bottom of the lake. [snip] The liquid of the pool covered Maya and Joey totally…from head to toe (page 150).

Which is usually what happens when you’re at the bottom of a lake.

It’s very hot at the bottom of the lake and then Abbadon shows up. Abbadon is very beautiful. Maya and Joey wake up screaming, compare dreams, realize they had the same dream, and then this:

“We have to escape from the power of Abbadon and we have to reach the estate of ‘King Astrodoulos’ as soon as possible. He will help us!” (page 152)

How are they in the power of Abbadon? Why do they need to reach the ‘estate’ of King Astrodoulos? Has he been mentioned more than once in the entirety of this book?

The snow storm suddenly stops, which means it’s time to hit the road again. Never mind the piles of snow blocking their path. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

Drinks: 10

Chapter Twenty-Six – The Valley of Imma

They head down the mountain, blah blah, nothing happens, then this:

They reached the green ‘Valley of Imma’ and after they had crossed the ‘Samana River’ at the ‘Samana Fjord’ they saw the first of the three villages (page 153).

Now I’m really convinced that Tesch has no idea what a fjord is.

At the villages there’s a bunch of people, but the only men are really old and there’s no kids past the age of seven. One of the old men explain that every year Apollyon’s soldiers come through and take all the children above the age of seven. Which doesn’t entirely make sense. If the soldiers take away all the breeding men, how are they going to keep the population going so they keep having kids to steal?

Then again, maybe the soldiers just impregnate every woman in the village each year. I guess that works just as well.

The villagers bring out food to feed the unicorns and Maya and Joey. Someone heads off to find the village elder, whose name is Montesalem and who might be over a hundred and sixty years old. Maya and Joey watch all the kids around them:

They loved little children and they remembered how much they missed their youngest brother ‘little Benji’ (page 155).

…wait, they have a brother? That they miss? Why, then, has he not even been mentioned before? It’s a hundred and fifty-five pages into this book and there has not even been the slightest indication that they have a little brother. I’m guessing that it’s because this is when Tesch decided that they should have a brother.

A skinny old guy shows up, introduces himself as Montesalem, and puts wreaths of flowers around their necks and around the necks of the unicorns. Everyone sits down and they’re welcomed and Maya and Joey start telling the stories of everything that happened to them.

When both of them spoke about the fairies and the walls of fire, the twenty four elders and Montesalem fell with their faces to the table, started to cry and could not stop for a long time. Then they got up from their chairs and bowed down three times in front of Maya and Joey and folded their arms (page 157).

Well that was…random. But then Montesalem kisses their hands and starts hollering about how ‘The Encouragers’ have arrived and the prophecy has been fulfilled and stuff like that. How does he know that they are the Encouragers? Was there as specific prophecy that two kids would show up with a story about leaping through a wall of fire and freeing a bunch of unicorns? And if so, why doesn’t Tesch explain this so there is some reason for a this? Not to mention, why the hell are they crying? If Maya and Joey are the Chosen Ones who will battle Apollyon’s armies and free Narnia from the hundred-year-winter, shouldn’t they be leaping about and cheering? I can understand some old men shedding tears of joy, but not twenty-five people simultaneously face-planting on a table and sobbing for half an hour. That doesn’t make any sense.

I also think it’s unlikely that every single person in the entire village (and the neighboring villages) instantly and without question accept that Maya and Joey are the Encouragers and have been sent to help them out. I’m not buying it.

The elders had sent some runners off to the neighboring villagers and now a couple huge crowds show up. One of them is the village of Kaulana, who are being led by their leader, a chap named Nasser. The other is the village of Arunda, and they are being led by their leader, a chap named…Lawrence. No, seriously. If this was a comedy and the entire concept of Maradonia was being played for laughs, an anachronistic name like this would be funny. Instead, it just sounds stupid.

There are some who call him Lawrence?

Lawrence and Nasser were ‘black men’ (page 159).

I’m not sure how to respond to this. I could spend some time delving into how calling attention to something like this is essentially saying that this is not normal within the context of the book, which doesn’t make sense as we haven’t really met anyone yet and therefore have no starting point to make assumptions from. Not to mention that Tesch didn’t draw attention to or even mention the skin color of anyone else in the book, which has some vaguely racist undertones. But I think I’m just going to chalk this one down to Tesch not having any idea how to write. And take another two drinks.

Lawrence says that they believe that they are the Encouragers and the future leaders of their armies. Putting several young teenagers with no military experience in charge of a large army? Yeah, there’s a word for that, and that word is stupid. That sounds like an excellent way to get all of your soldiers killed.

Joey interrupted the old man by laughing out loud and said, “Where are your armies? There’s no one here. When I look around I see only women, babies, and a bunch of senile and very old men.” (page 160)

Which is simultaneously extremely rude and rather accurate, although Joey has no way of knowing that the old men are senile. But it’s yet another subtle indication that Joey isn’t really fit to be either an Encourager or lead an army.

Maya reacts by backhanding Joey across the face. No, I’m not kidding. She orders him to apologize:

“You should be ashamed of yourself with your disrespectable attitude. Say sorry!..and I mean it or you’re going down!” (page 160).

Ah, leadership. And that should be ‘disrespectful’, Tesch.

Joey apologizes.

“Yes,” said Montesalem, “Sometimes even an eagle needs a push and sometimes a leader forgets that he is a dealer in hope.” (page 160).

Wait. What?

Montesalem starts explaining that they’ve been hiding their kids and young men in the deep jungles of the hinterland. I’m surprised that Tesch is actually using hinterland correctly, even though that word sounds incredibly out of place in a children’s story. Even when Tesch uses words correctly she’s using them incorrectly.

While Montesalem is talking Maya looks at a well and sees three young men peaking from behind the well. I think Tesch means peeking.

Montesalem asks them what they think they should do. I have no idea what he’s asking. They haven’t discussed any plan of action or what their next step should be or even what their options are. I got a general sense that Apollyon is evil but they haven’t even talked about whether or not they should challenge him in open war or what they should do. Naturally, this doesn’t stop Tesch:

Maya and Joey stepped forward with a sense of honor. “The right thing is to fight for the right purpose.” Maya said, “And if you will accept our help in this fight against evil we are willing to go with you and stay on your side as your commanders.” (page 162).

I like that they don’t even mention that they’re unqualified for the position. Or have no idea how to lead an army. Or how to do anything, for that matter. Maya and Joey just instantly accept the position because they feel that they’re entitled to it. Or that they can do it. Both of these are enormously arrogant and completely erroneous opinions.

Joey shouts to everyone that he plans to test the army at the lagoon. Why? I have no idea. Maya asks him what he’s planning on doing at Joey tells her to trust him. Maya does. He just insulted three separate villages in one sentence. What the fuck is wrong with you, Maya?

Montesalem tells the black guys to gather everyone together, equip them, and have them meet at the Lake Lagoon. Which is the stupidest name for a – whatever it is – that I’ve ever heard. Anyway, once they’ve gathered there the commander of their army will hand his command over to Maya and Joey. The commander’s name is Justin. Not making this up.

I really want to read a book where some idiotic fantasy land hands the command of their army over to some naïve American teenager and the entire army and the American teenager get brutally slaughtered to the last man.

Drinks: 42

Comment [17]

Chapter Twenty-Seven – Fairies at the Nissan Falls

There’s a picture here. I have no idea where half of these waterfalls are coming from. I guess there’s just this spring right next to a giant cliff and the water comes up out of the spring and then pours over the cliff. Or something.

Also, Nissan is a car manufacturer. I would suspect Tesch of using blatant product placement in this novel, except I know that no manufacturer would want their brands associated with anything written by Gloria Tesch.

Maya and Joey get some blankets as a gift. Does this have any bearing on the plot whatsoever? No. Is it part of any character development? No. Does it serve any purpose in this story? No.

Tesch messes up her tenses, switching from past tense to present tense and back again, which I feel is probably more of a typo than anything else. And then we get…this:

No, just in case you were wondering, Hoppy’s ‘little hibernation sleep’ has never been mentioned before now. And yes, Tesch cannot even keep the formatting of the Nissan waterfalls within one single paragraph consistent.

They watered the unicorns and gave them the opportunity to graze freely in the field (page 165).

This is one of the many problems that absolutely infuriates me with the book. It seems obvious (possibly erroneously, I admit) that the ability to talk means that unicorns are not just dumb beasts. They are thinking, conscious creatures, presumably with free will, and therefore worthy of respect and of being treated like a human being. And yet Tesch has her characters treat them like regular, stupid horses.

As Maya and Joey goof off and go swimming, the armies provision themselves. Not exaggerating at all. Tesch actually stresses about how they’re not doing anything at all but relaxing while the army gets equipped for the journey to Lake Lagoon. That’s showing some great leadership, there.

Tesch talks about how some fairies are there watching them trying to find out some information, but they don’t. In other words, Tesch spends more than half a page talking about how nothing happens. This book is awesome.

Finally, they head off to Lake Lagoon. As they get closer, they get to a viewpoint where they can look down on the lake and it’s gorgeous. Maya shares some words of wisdom:

“Joey, you should always remember this.”

No, wait. That sounds like something an actual person would say. Instead, Maya says this:

“Joey, you must transfer this view into your mind and never ever forget about it.” (page 167)

And then they arrive.

Drinks: 8

Chapter Twenty-Eight – The Medium

Suddenly an army shows up. Yeah. Just like that. They aren’t warned by the sound of approaching marching, or a dust column. The army just appears.

The men started immediately to build a camp and holstered at all four corners of the camp blue flags with the symbol of seven white doves on it (page 169).

Now I’m really certain that Tesch has no idea what ‘holstered’ means.

Maya asks Joey whether Justin is just going to hand control of his army over to them. Which, as we have been over, is an absolutely terrible idea.

“Well, we have never met the man and so we really don’t know. Anyway, we don’t even know what his real motives are but I know that a wise leader resolves conflicts peacefully and not forcefully. We don’t know yet if he is building up his people or if he is building up his own dream and using people to do it?”

Maya was once again surprised by the wisdom, which her brother spit out of his mouth like others spit out a piece of chewing gum (page 169).

Resolving things by being nice instead of by fighting is something that people teach to toddlers. And this isn’t even remotely related to what Maya is asking. And there shouldn’t be a question mark there. And like chewing gum? Actually that’s a pretty apt metaphor. It makes no fucking sense, rather like Joey’s nuggets of ‘wisdom’.

Shortly afterward, they meet Justin. Justin laughs at them and is incredulous, and then says that he didn’t expect little kids who wouldn’t be able to do a man’s job. He has a pretty good point. But then again, Maya and Joey are the Heroes of the book, which mean one of two things has to happen: Either Justin will die, or he will have an amazing comeuppance where Maya and Joey prove their Worth and Justin is Forced to Swallow his Pride and Admit that Maya and Joey are Amazing. Let’s see which one it is!

They tie the unicorns up. No, really. Tesch even mentions that the unicorns are pissed off about this, but Maya reassures them that she’s going to take care of them after her speech. Somehow, if I was a unicorn, the thought that someone was going to ‘take care’ of me would only insult me further.

So Maya and Joey walk out to give their speech. Everyone is sitting on the sandy beach waiting for them.

It was an edifying sight to see so many young men sitting in front of their siblings (page 171).

I have no idea what this is supposed to mean.

Joey comments, in italics and extra quotation marks, that the entire army is pretty much made up of children, which makes sense, because they are all kids hiding from Apollyon’s soldiers. Still. An army of kids being led by kids. Talk about the blind leading the blind.

Maya gets up and tells everyone the story of how they found Maradonia and what they’ve done thus far. This whips the crowd into a frenzy and they start leaping up and down cheering about how the Encouragers have arrived and basically having a Matrix: Reloaded-style dance orgy.

Joey was also clapping his hands and turned to Maya, “Outstanding Maya! You know, outstanding leaders appeal to the heart of their follower’s.” (page 172)

Which may or may not be true, but telling people a pretty boring story is not appealing to people’s hearts, nor is it going to whip them into a frenzy. Few things piss me off more than authors who try to write stirring, moving speeches, fail completely because they lack the talent, and then have the characters in the story react as if it’s the most amazing thing ever. That’s the sort of thing that Christopher Paolini does, but Tesch decides to go one step further: she doesn’t even bother trying to write a stirring speech. This reminds me of a scene in Left Behind (which is a truly pestilent book, in case you’re lucky enough to have never read it) where Nicolae Carpathia (who is the AntiChrist) gives a moving speech at the United Nations that moves everyone to their feet and is portrayed as being possibly the single greatest speech in the history of mankind. The speech consists of reciting the name of every single country in the United Nations. No, I’m not kidding.

Maya notices that Justin is not excited and actually dared to LEAVE before she was finished with her speech.

We skip over to Justin’s POV and he is enraged and furious and jealous and is pissed off because everyone is cheering for Maya and Joey and he doesn’t want to give up command. Also, he’s not certain that they really are The Encouragers. So he decides he’s going to summon the spirit of his father, Kerry. Yes, his father’s name is Kerry. Justin heads off to find one of his soldiers, Dimitry, who midnights as a medium.

Then things start getting a little…odd. There have already been some rather blatant Christian references here and there throughout this book, but this entire following scene is practically word-for-word from the Bible, mimicking a scene where King Saul visits a medium. Observe:

Justin called two of his servants and said “Find me Dimitry, the medium, so that he comes to me and I may inquirer of him.” (page 174).

Yes, the book really says “inquirer”. And here’s the Bible:

Then Saul said to his servants, “Find me a woman who is a medium, that I may go to her and inquire of her.” (1 Samuel, Chapter 28, NKJV).

Possibly a coincidence, right?

One of the captains answered, “In fact, this man is with us and he is here in the assembly” (page 174).

And his servants said to him, “In fact, there is a woman who is a medium at En Dor.” (1 Samuel).

But wait, you must be saying. Surely Tesch wouldn’t…

Dimitry asked, “Commander what is it that you inquire of?” Justin said, “Please conduct a séance for me and bring up for me the one I shall name to you.”

Dimitry shivered, trembled, and said “Look Commander you know that ‘King Astrodulous’ is one of the sons of the kingdom of light and you know what he has done in the past and how he has cut off the mediums and the sorcerers in the land because they are an abomination to him and to the kingdom of light. Why then do you cause me to die?”

Justin swore to him by heaven and earth and said “No punishment will come over you for this thing” (page 175).

Okay, but that proves –

And he said, “Please conduct a séance for me, and bring up for me the one I shall name to you.”

Then the woman said to him, “Look, you know what Saul has done, how he has cut off the mediums and the spiritists from the land. Why then do you lay a snare for my life, to cause me to die?”

And Saul swore to her by the Lord, saying, “As the Lord lives, no punishment shall come upon you for this thing.” (1 Samuel).

If someone had told me before I started sporking that Gloria Tesch would actually stoop to plagiarizing from the Bible, I would have called them insane.

There’s even a picture which is pretty awesome:

I don’t know what I like best about this: Dimitry’s chubby arms or Justin’s man-skirt and tight, muscular thighs.

So the rest of the scene progresses pretty much as it actually happens in the Bible. Except for this, because this doesn’t make any fucking sense:

Dimitry looked up to the sky and started to buzz some sort of tune. He was buzzing and speaking one ‘Swing Word’ after the other (page 175).

Right.

The medium calls up Kerry, Kerry is pissed, half of the lines are literally word-for-word from the Bible. Kerry says that by this time tomorrow, Justin will be dead and his command will be in the hands of The Encouragers. Justin does a face-plant and is terrified, and Dimitry and Justin’s servants make him eat something.

In the Bible, the medium calls up Samuel, Samuel is pissed, and says that by this time tomorrow, Saul will be dead and his country will be in the hands of the Philistines. Saul does a face-plant and is terrified, and the medium and Saul’s servants make him eat something. So, it’s totally different.

I spent some trying to decide how I feel about Tesch using scenes out of the Bible. I’m not necessarily opposed to allegory, and I’m quite fond of the Chronicles of Narnia, so it’s not bad on its own merits. However, an allegory is simply using characters and events to symbolize higher or deeper events. It’s not taking entire scenes from the Bible and reproducing them, often literally word-for-word. That’s just lazy writing. I’m not sure what Tesch hopes to accomplish from this, but she’s doing a pretty shitty job.

Drinks: 38

Chapter Twenty-Nine – Curare

Justin decides his only chance is to poison Maya and Joey. He’s always carried a bottle of Curare, which is a deadly poison. So he gets some mangos, cuts them open, smears them with poison, and takes them to the camp. Luckily, though, Libertine sees him, gets a bad feeling, heads into camp and warns Joey. Joey is worried. Then he sees Justin show up and offer Maya a mango, so he runs over and tackles her and warns her that it was poisoned. Everyone laughs. Joey tells Justin that if the fruits are fine, he needs to eat one himself. All the captains find this pretty funny so they look at Justin and start chanting “Eat! Eat!”

Justin can’t take it anymore. So:

Within the blink of an eye he decided that it was better for him to die with dignity and honor as Commander and Chief of the united armies of the ‘Valley of Imma’ (page 182).

I don’t think there’s a lot of dignity and honor in dying as you try to assassinate the Chosen Ones, but to each his own.

Justin eats the mango. Looks around, smiles, falls over and dies. So yeah, if you don’t believe in Maya and Joey you are going to die. Sounds suitably Mary-Sueish.

Hoppy looked out of Joey’s pocket, seeing Justin on the ground and said, “Food effect’s your Mood!” (page 183).

I have no words for this. Except that Joey keeps tackling people and rolling around on the ground. Hoppy should be fucking dead by now.

Maya, Dimitry, the captains and all the young men, who had observed this occurrence, were shocked, deeply moved and had no words. Joey tried to break the silence with the words “I told you so!” (page 183).

Uh, Joey? Not really the time.

Anyway, one of the captains says that they want Maya and Joey to lead them and be their commanders. Hooray!

Next up: More scenes from the Bible and more blatant stupidity!

Drinks: 10

Comment [34]

Chapter Thirty – The Test of the Army

So now it’s time for Joey to give the much-heralded test. Roughly half of it is lifted straight from the Bible. And yet roughly all of it makes no sense whatsoever.

Maya and Joey accepted the offer and Joey said “I will test this army and I command every man in this camp from this moment on not to eat or drink anything until I say so.” (page 184).

I will admit that there is some value to this sort of training. Note that I said training, not testing. Depending on the type of military you are attempting to create, there may be some value in conducting continual, repeated tests like this. The idea is to firmly drill the concept into your soldiers’ heads that any command, regardless of how asinine or seemingly insignificant it is, is to be obeyed immediately and without question. It’s also to breed strength of mind and body within your soldiers. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with that. That being said, that sort of training takes time. You can’t train an army to do this in a day or in a few hours. A single solitary ‘test’ accomplishes nothing, except to make your army resent you. And when you’re a snot-nosed prepubescent kid who just took over the army, that’s an idiotic decision.

Maya tells him so. Joey tells her that he knows what he’s doing.

Three days and nights pass.

Not joking.

Let me repeat that for you.

Three days and nights pass.

I’m not sure if he’s letting them sleep or not, but people are falling over left and right from exhaustion and dehydration, which is what usually happens when you’re already tired and thirsty. At any rate, this has now passed from being just stupid to downright barbaric. Of course, it’s incredibly stupid as well. Your soldiers aren’t the best equipped, or trained, or provisioned, so why not take the shitty hand you’ve been dealt and deliberately try and sabotage yourself even further? That’s a brilliant idea.

Joey gets some bread and water and walks around eating and drinking. I wish that someone would stab him and steal his food but it doesn’t happen. People keep fainting left and right, and, amazingly, no one except for Maya speaks up and tells him that he’s a fucking idiot and needs to be immediately relieved of his command.

Not to mention, Joey isn’t technically the leader, he’s co-leader with Maya, and since Maya is older than him, she should outrank him and be able to countermand his idiotic orders.

Finally Joey tells everyone to go to the lagoon and get themselves a drink. Also a stupid idea. Hasn’t this idiot ever heard of boiling water before drinking it? I guess not. Anyway, this is the scene that’s pretty much lifted from the Bible.

The story goes (in Judges, chapter 7, if you’re interested) that Gideon and the Israelites are going to attack the Midianites. However, God wants everyone to know that HE was the cause of the victory, and because Israel has a very large army, when they win, they’ll just say it was all due to them. So first he has Gideon send everyone who is afraid home, and then they have all the soldiers drink. Gideon separates out all the soldiers who scoops out the water with their hands and drink it from their hands versus all the soldiers who get down on their knees to drink, and only keeps the ones who drank from their hands, leaving him with 300 soldiers, that he then uses to kick the Midianites’ asses.

Back in Narnia, the people run down to the lagoon. Well. Some of them run. The rest of them sort’ve stagger because they’ve just been put through some hellish torture by their new commander. But some of them jump into the water, and some of them scoop up water with their hands and drink while staying alert for another command. Well. As alert as you can be after you’ve just been deprived of food and water and possibly sleep for three days and nights straight.

Anyway, Joey separates everyone out. The ‘alert’ soldiers are going to come with him – surprise surprise, there’s almost exactly 300 of them. And everyone else is supposed to go back to their villages and build a line of support. Whatever the hell that means.

There are so many things wrong with all of this that I have neither the time, patience, or alcohol tolerance to deal with them, so I’ll stick with just one. There is a difference between conducting a test because an all-powerful, all-knowing God has pretty much said he is going to kick your enemies’ asses for you and you have a guaranteed victory…and conducting a test for…well, I’m going to be honest here. For no reason at all. There is no reason for Joey to do what he just did. Sending half your army home is stupid.

But wait! Let’s hear him try to justify it, when he tells the other half to go home and take care of the villages:

“You are more important right now for your own people at home then being with us. We will fight the powers of darkness but you will stay with your families in your villages instead of hiding in the bushes. This attitude will give all of your people a stronger hope.” (page 188).

Two possibilities.

One, this is true. In which case Joey took all of the weaker, younger, and stupider members of his army and gave them the more important job. Which means he is literally retarded.

Two, this is a lie. In which case Joey just got rid of half his soldiers for no reason at all. Which means he is literally retarded.

Something tells me that Tesch is unfamiliar with the intricacies of military tactics.

So of course at this nugget of wisdom everyone cheers and claps and says “Long live our Commanders.”

Intense rage. Blinding rage. That’s what I feel right now. I want to strangle a kitten because I cannot strangle this book. If I could acquire copies of this book cheaply I would buy one and burn it for pure catharsis.

Afterwards, Maya comes up to him and wants to know where Joey got the idea from:

“That was indeed brilliant and I think it was a splendid idea to get rid of the little kids, the weak and the once you did not obey your orders but were did you get this from?” (page 189).

Yes, the text really says ‘once’ and ‘were’, but honestly, I’m starting to care less about the typos which litter the pages and more at the egregious insults to my intelligence that are being perpetuated by Ms. Tesch.

Joey gave his sister a big hug and whispered “Today a reader and tomorrow a leader!’” In school and at home I read many books about pirates, captains of ships, famous leaders and commanders of armies. I read especially one book about one commander and I learned that he did practically the same thing that I did today!” (page 189).

Great. The leader of their army is using advice from children’s stories about pirates. They’re doomed.

So the three hundred of them mount up, Maya and Joey board their newly enslaved unicorns, and they head off to the Lake Lagoon to meet the mermaids. Why? No real reason. Tesch thinks mermaids are cool or something.

Maya monologues for awhile about nothing for awhile, and finally they reach the Lagoon of the Mermaids.

Drinks: 23

Chapter Thirty-One – The Lagoon of the Mermaids

Libertine, that delightful dove of exposition, flies down and explains to Maya that coming up is the ‘Dolphins Gate’, where they will have ANOTHER test and, if they pass, they’ll then be worthy to meet the king. Maya tells Joey this and then tells him that she wants to stay alone at the mermaid lagoon with her two escorts, and everyone else should go on to the Dolphins Gate to camp. Why? No idea. But Joey agrees.

At the lagoon, nothing happens for a bit. Then a mermaid comes out. Then the mermaid disappears again. Then some more mermaids show up and dance with some dolphins. Then they all disappear again. It’s very intense.

Maya wanders around for a bit and starts wading and then some mermaids show up and talk with her. Libertine makes the introductions and the mermaids bring Maya a pearl necklace with a snail shell on it. Maya looks down through the water and sees a city down there. The mermaids explain that the shell has an unlimited oxygen supply and all she needs to do is hold it in front of her mouth and she can stay underwater as long as she wants. Somehow…that doesn’t seem physically possible.

Maya goes diving and then sees a flash of light. This causes her to flash back to the time where Joey almost drowned her. She freaks out, swallows water, and splutters her way back to the surface. She then has what alcoholics refer to as a moment of stupidity and realizes that she saw the magical glowing underwater light of the mermaid city…inside a hotel pool in Florida. Not buying it.

A dolphin offers to take Maya….somewhere. Maya grabs hold and they take off. The dolphin takes her all over the entire city and shows her pretty much everything and Maya has a grand and glorious time. Finally it ends and they surface. Some mermaids talk to her and explain that Apollyon kidnapped their leader, Queen Aquamarisha, and has her captive in a water park. No, I’m not kidding about any of that. That is exactly what the text says.

I feel like pointing out that one of The Encouragers has just spent AN ENTIRE DAY goofing off and frolicking in a lagoon with mermaids and dolphins while the rest of the army actually accomplishes shit. Ah, leadership!

As they travel, Maya talks about what the seventh test will be and how she’s afraid it will be the hardest one. One of the escorts has his own wisdom to share:

“Attitude…, captain, attitude will make or break a leader and the final test for a commander of an army is his ability not only to attract but to keep his followers.” (page 203).

Wrong. The final test for a commander of an army is to fight a battle and not have all of his soldiers brutally slaughtered in a horrible defeat.

Eventually they get to the Gate:

Entire herds of dolphins were jumping (page 203).

Groups of dolphins are called schools or pods. Not herds.

“Dolphins Gate is indeed the right name for this place,” Maya remarked (page 203).

No shit, Sherlock!

Drinks: 54*

*Not a typo.

Comment [25]

Chapter Thirty-Two – The Death of the Sorcerer

There’s a pretty graphic picture here of a man holding himself up with a sword stuck clear through his torso.

Not that I have anything against violence, but I’m surprised the Tesches thought it was a good image to include in a book marketed for ages 8-12. Then again, this also has multiple characters cursing. So clearly they don’t give a shit.

On another note, why is the sword just left there? If you stab someone, generally speaking you pull the sword back out afterwards. Two reasons: one, if you don’t you’re left weaponless, and depending on where you stabbed them, they might be very pissed off and want to kill you. Second, pulling your sword back out leaves a decent-sized hole that blood can come out of and speed up the death process.

Maya meets Joey at the camp entrance, and they walk into a camp that, considering they only started setting it up a few hours before, is pretty badass:

They entered into a well organized camp with stables for the horses, supply places, sleeping accommodations, water accesses and equipment storage and a huge kitchen grill in the middle of the camp (page 206).

Let’s not forget that this is a ragtag army patched together from groups of peasants and poor villagers. They don’t have a lot of supplies, as evidenced at the end of the previous chapter where the mermaids were giving them a bunch of food. I also feel it would be remiss to point out that when you set up a temporary camp for your army you don’t create stables for your horses. The likeliest outcome is picketing horses here and there or on the outskirts of the camp. At the very most, the army might throw up a very simple corral.

I don’t know why she says ‘sleeping accommodations’. If they’re lucky, it’s tents, and if they’re unlucky, it’s bits of grass without too many rocks. And equipment storage? Water accesses? Supply places? A kitchen grill? What does any of this even mean?

Maya and Joey walk past the grill and find a dead man lying there, drenched in blood. Naturally, they ask what’s going on. A captain named Yuma steps forward and starts explaining. Some people figured out that Dimitry was a sorcerer and because of King Astrodoulos’ decree, all sorcerers need to be whacked. So a chap named Goran, who is black – Tesch specifically mentions this, I don’t know why – publicly accused Dimitry, and then I guess he killed him. It isn’t explicitly stated but that’s the impression given. Anyway, the people of Dimitry’s village are now all pissed off at Goran and so it’s up to Joey to keep the peace.

“Men of the ‘Valley of Imma’, I know that you want to fight for a noble cause but on the other side you want to kill Goran who carries responsibility for all of us and for our security and points his figure on a spot of pestilence which could intoxicate all of us.” (page 208)

I’ve read a few sentences worse than this one, but not many. There are so many things wrong with it that I could spend an entire page ranting about it, but it wouldn’t be that interesting.

Joey’s solution is to give everyone in the entire camp a vote, for and against Goran. If more people vote against Goran than for him, he’ll be killed in the same manner as Dimitry, because even though he’s the village prosecutor for his own village, he can’t just murder people suspected of witchcraft. Now, Joey has a point. You don’t want your soldiers killing each other because someone is talking funny or has a pointy hat. I don’t have a problem with that part of it, although I do wonder why a small peasant village needs a full-time prosecutor. But putting it to a majority vote is a terrible idea. In the first place, this is the military, you do not decide things by a democratic vote. You have a chain of command and you give orders that are decided on by a few people at the top. If you start opening things up to a vote, anything that isn’t decided on by a group vote will have soldiers bitching and whining because they didn’t get to vote on it and spreading dissent throughout the army.

Second, it’s not possible for everyone in the camp to even have a clear idea of what happened. Aren’t you going to call witnesses? Ask multiple people what actually happened? Elect a jury of his peers or create a tribunal of captains? Allow Goran to speak in his defense? All of these are things that should be done before deciding whether to let him go without punishment or to execute him, which are also both rather extreme responses. Depending on King Astrodulous’ proclamation, Goran may have been entitled to kill Dimitry himself if he had good evidence that Dimitry was a sorcerer. Alternatively, you might not want to kill Goran, but maybe you should publicly reprimand him and give him a token punishment – a few lashes, for example – to discourage further killings.

All of this is further proof that Joey is a truly awful leader and Gloria Tesch is a shitty writer.

Anyway. Everyone votes and it’s pretty strongly in Goran’s favor and that is that, he gets off scot free. Even the men who voted to execute Goran are satisfied with the decision. Which of course is bullshit. If you cast a vote to have someone killed because you believe they’re guilty, the fact that the majority of other people disagree with you isn’t going to magically change your mind.

Joey calls Goran in to see him afterwards. Goran bows down and tells Joey what an awesome Commander he is and commends him in his brilliant solution to the day’s problem. Which is a pretty high complement to someone who just put your life up to a general vote of a bunch of people who had no idea what was going on. Joey, however, has another of his Brilliant Ideas:

“I need a right hand to assist me and somebody who the men trust. Today’s vote showed me that you could be the man. I appoint you as my standard officer over all my troops!” (page 210).

Murder someone you suspect of sorcery, escape without punishment, and get promoted to ‘standard officer’ (whatever the hell that is supposed to mean) over the entire army? This is not really the example you want to be setting for your troops.

Maya is watching and continues to be impressed by how much wisdom and maturity Joey is showing, which makes me gag. They talk for a bit. Joey thinks they’ve passed the last test, but Maya says she thinks the last test is still to come and she feels Something in the Air.

So yeah, the last test is still to come. I love the subtle foreshadowing here. It’s like being bashed over the head with a copy of this book.

Drinks: 22

Chapter Thirty-Three – The Human Sacrifice Offering

I have no comment.

Libertine shows up but she only has one dove with her. She explains that the other doves are out scouting and they need to bust ass to get to King Astrodoulos in time because Abbadon will be released soon and he’s pretty pissed off already.

Libertine had just finished her statement when one of the doves from the outpost arrived and reported that she had heard a dreadful noise like a marching army of thousands of warriors. “I didn’t want to investigate any longer because I wanted to come back and give you the report.” (page 212).

That dove is a terrible scout. You don’t waste a lot of time reporting loud noises, you find out exactly what the loud noise is and then you report it. Libertine tells her to fly back and find out.

Then other dove arrives and says the ground is shaking and she thinks there’s a huge army coming and Gertrude and the fairies are up to something. He wants to know what to do:

“Fly back to your post and return to us as soon as you have new inside!” (page 212)

I think you mean ‘insight’, Tesch.

A third dove arrives and says she heard an explosion and a flash of light and then she saw warriors ascending out of the ground. And then some more doves show up and say that the fairies of Apollyon are coming with an army of ten thousand warriors. Holy shit, it’s a real crisis! A perfect time for Joey to display his leadership skills:

“The question is what should we do or what can we do?” (page 213)

Maya, of course, has a brilliant response:

“Leadership, Joey, is not a right…It is a responsibility and real leaders are ordinary people with extraordinary determination. The first rule of winning this fight is…‘ Don’t beat yourself ’.” (page 213).

Uh. Be that as it may, it still doesn’t answer the actual question. So Maya turns to the person they really need to be asking for advice: Libertine. The dove tells them to be strong and it’s their time and their leadership and stuff. So, nothing, except for a bit of a pump-up. See, this is why kids shouldn’t be in charge of armies.

They call Goran in and explain the situation, and have him call the army together at the kitchen grill (which still makes me laugh) and start preparing for battle.

Everyone gathers. Joey puts on his sword, which he took from Justin. So. He stole a dead man’s sword, essentially. More importantly, he’s using a sword that was being used by a grown man and he’s fourteen. I’m pretty sure he can’t even swing that thing.

Anyway, Joey gets up and starts rambling and trying to pump everyone up. It’s not a terrible speech, per see. He then goes on to say that they’re basically screwed if they don’t get some help from the kingdom of light so they’re going to fight and hope for a miracle. That sounds like a brilliant battle strategy. But you know what would have been even more brilliant? Not sending half your army away for no reason.

Anyway, a giant dark cloud is coming closer, and with it an extremely loud noise. It stops a thousand yards away from the camp. Maya and Joey and Goran get up and stand on the grill.

A few men fall over dead. Then the black wall opens and the army comes out. They form a giant circle around the entire camp. Everyone gets kinda nervous. Joey looks up at the sky and says that it looks like they aren’t getting any supernatural help. Goran says that they’re screwed and even with Maya and Joey around, they’re no better off. Heh. He has a point. Maya, however, has to slap him down:

At this Maya said, “Goran, you are a good man and you have sight but you have no vision. […] Don’t be afraid! We are not doomed. Provision will come. I don’t know when and how that provision will come but it will come!” (page 219-220).

Of course, in a couple pages Maya will have completely lost faith herself, so she’s just being a hypocrite here. Also, I have no idea why Tesch keeps using ‘provision’.

Then Gertrude and her sisters, Lorris and Ceara show up. And get ready for possibly the greatest showdown in literary history. You know how annoying it is when villains have the heroes trapped and at their mercy, and then launch into a long expository monologue and explain all their plans? Yeah, Tesch takes that to an entirely new level here.

I also realize that a number of these quotes sound unbelievable but I swear I’m not making any of them up.

Gertrude starts off with an opening line that makes me laugh:

“Hello Maya and Joey, look at you; you little creepers.” (page 220)

Hehhehheh.

Gertrude continues:

“I brought this time my best friend ‘Lorris’ with me who has the power to turn you to stone with the touch of her ‘Index Finger’ and your heart dies within you.” (page 220).

Why the hell is index finger capitalized, italicized, and in quotation marks? Only Gloria Tesch knows.

“I also bought my other best friend ‘Ceara’ with me. Look at her. She is the most beautiful black person in our kingdom. Look at her how beautiful she is with her curly hair. She is very powerful because power is given to her to breath at anything on earth and it will burn. Sometimes we just call her ‘Dragon’. Whoever on earth is touched by Ceara will be burned to ashes.” Gertrude said.

“Let me show you and illustrate on one of your men how that works!” said Ceara (page 221).

In addition to being rather racist – I see that Tesch notes that Ceara is the most beautiful black person in the kingdom. Not the most beautiful. Just the most beautiful black person. Also, why is she telling them to look at how beautiful she is with her curly hair? They’re standing around waiting to kill you? What is the point of this? It’s not even remotely threatening. Why would you even mention how beautiful she is in the first place? Trust me, the power to breathe fire is a lot more impressive.

Maya asks them why they’re here and what they want. Which is a pretty stupid question. They’ve already started killing your men, they’ve sworn enmity and they want to kill you. I think it’s obvious why they’re there. Of course, I’m partially wrong.

“Now you are talking.” answered Gertrude. “Our visit has several reasons and to be honest with you we want to tell you that we are here to delay your journey!” (page 221).

Why they want to tell them that? No fucking idea. Anyway, the conversation continues. Lorris explains that she has the power to make everyone in camp fall over dead but they’re under strict orders to hold them here and not let them escape. They further explain that Abbadon wants to finish them personally and as soon as he’s freed from Poseidon Rock, he’s going to swing by to whack them.

Goran pipes up to parrot everything back to them, just in case any readers were too stupid to figure it out. Not that it was difficult or anything.

“Look at this little monkey! He can even think and speak,” said Gertrude (page 222).

I quickly ran through my checklist of scenarios where it’s appropriate to refer to a black character as a monkey. This book isn’t on it.

But the exposition isn’t done! They’re waiting for a signal from the mountain-peak. Joey asks what it is, and they laugh at him and say nothing. Wait, sorry, wrong book, actually they explain exactly what their signals mean. Apparently one smoke column means that Abbadon is on his way. Two or three smoke columns means that Abbadon is delayed and the fairies will finish them off themselves.

Everyone stands around for a bit. Then they see a column of smoke. Then they see ANOTHER column of smoke. The fairies huddle and start talking. Then everyone sees a THIRD column of smoke.

Goran exposits, just in case you weren’t paying attention, that what this means is that the fairies are going to kill them. Yeah, we got that.

Ceara stands up and exposits, just in case you didn’t read the previous sentence, that what this means is that they get to kill them. Yeah. We got that.

Joey asks what, exactly, they’re going to do.

Ceara smiled wickedly. “We’ll think of something.” (page 224).

Wait. No, that’s what I would have the Big Baddie say in this scenario. My reason: it’s simple, to the point, and it leaves just what they’re going to do up to the reader’s imagination where it’s sure to be worse than anything I can write. Tesch, on the other hand, opts for a more…lengthy…response:

“We three have all equal powers and there is no leader between us except Abbadon and Abbadon is not present. We have a new situation and we will make our own decisions. We will discuss the matter and consult with each other and then decide how we will kill you.” (page 224).

Someone needs to tell Gloria Tesch that she isn’t getting paid by the word. Someone also needs to teach her how to write menacing dialogue. Fuck it, someone needs to teach her how to write.

The fairies head off into the bushes and start talking. Ceara wants to burn them all alive, which I think is an excellent idea. Lorris, however, is not happy with that plan because the last time Ceara did something like that she left the entire area a wasteland. Apparently Lorris is a conservationist. At any rate, she has a better idea:

“I want to touch them all with my ‘deadly index finger’ and create an area, maybe a park, with statues of stones which will represent our powers for eternities. We could go there from time to time and enjoy the works of our powerful hands.” (page 225)

Ignoring the disturbing sexual undertones of touching someone with your ‘deadly index finger’, the fact that Lorris wants to kill Maya and Joey and use their bodies to turn the place into a park instantly elevates her to my favorite character of the book.

Lorris and Ceara start fighting. Gertrude jumps in and stops them and says that she has a plan. They’ll give Maya and Joey the ability to choose their death. They’ll tell them that many great leaders have laid down their lives for their followers.

Lorris interrupts and says the plan sounds appropriately evil but to keep it simple because she’s having trouble understanding. Uh. This plan doesn’t sound evil, it sounds downright moronic. Why the fuck would you give your mortal enemies a chance to go out in a blaze of glory, to die honorably and nobly? It would be much more awesome to brutally kill them in a slow and extended manner until they beg for the sweet release of death. Quite a bit more humiliating as well.

Also, how is this plan difficult to understand? It’s perfectly straightforward and simple. I rescind my favorite character status. Lorris is a moron.

Gertrude further exposits that they’ll tell Maya and Joey that all the men will get to go free if they give up their lives as a human sacrifice to Abbadon. But actually, after they’re dead, they’ll take everyone captive and give them to Abbadon. It’s brilliant! But where to sacrifice them?

“Have you seen this big grill in the middle of the camp where the people are roasting fish, bread, and potatoes?” (page 227).

No. I’ve seen a big grill that Maya, Joey, and Goran are standing on. Wait, the grill was on when they were standing on it? That’s…interesting. Almost as interesting as people roasting bread.

Gertrude concludes:

“The best thing is that we won’t force Maya and Joey to give their lives as a sacrifice for their men. They will do this by their own free will.” (page 228).

Again, how is this the ‘best thing’? Isn’t forcing your enemies to do something they don’t want to do a lot meaner than letting them choose? How is this plan even remotely evil?

Ceara and Lorris, however, think that this plan is the best idea since roasted bread. They fall over themselves complimenting Gertrude and then the fairies head back into camp to put their devious plan into action. Joey is rambling about how maybe the time has come for the leaders to carry out their calling or something like that.

“Bravo, Bravo, Bravissimo…” interrupted Gertrude, “Most people think that we are the bad ones but basically we bring peace to the world and my two friends and I have agreed to make you an offer which you cannot reject.”

“And what is this for a diabolic offer?” asked Maya (page 229).

What a couple of horribly written sentences.

Gertrude explains that everyone will get to go home alive and happy and with all their possessions…on one condition, and that is that Maya and Joey give up their lives as a human sacrifice to Abbadon.

Joey asks what that means. He really is an idiot. This is a pretty straightforward concept. How many different ways do you give up your life as a human sacrifice? Anyway, Gertrude exposits some more:

“It is very simple and easy. We will put a lot of wood on the grill which your men have built for the preparation of food. You will lie down on that wood, which is laid on that grill. We will bind you with ropes on that altar for Abbadon so that you will not jump down during the ceremony when it gets too hot for you. That’s all!” Gertrude answered (page 230).

I’m not sure what Tesch is going for her. Were she a talented author, I would suspect her of trying to show Gertrude’s sociopath nature and disassociation with death. Although even if I thought she was trying that, she’d still be doing a pretty shitty job of it. Instead, I think her writing is just getting more incoherent.

Maya has her sputtering “That’s all? ” moment, and then she and Joey retreat into a tent to talk things over. They immediately start crying their eyes out. Because they’re Encouragers, remember? Joey exposits about how they’re all alone and there is no one around to bail them out of the shitty situation which their foolishness created. Wow, that’s rough. That almost sounds like a realistic conflict that people in the real world have to deal with on a daily basis. Our heroes, dealing with problems that they created for themselves? God forbid. Naturally, this lesson is going to fly right over their (and Tesch’s) heads.

We do get a big dramatic speech from Maya, though:

“I am only fifteen years old. I never had a boyfriend and I will never have one. I will never have a husband or my own children. My parents will never see me again. They will never see or have any grandchildren because they don’t exist. I’m so desperate. I want to talk to my mom. I want to go home” (page 232).

Maya continues in this vein for awhile, and it’s just as stilted and forced as this. I mainly wanted to point out that her parents could definitely still have children when ‘Little Benji’, their little brother, grows up.

Eventually Maya and Joey decided that they have to give up their lives to save everyone else. And they head out to do so. I have a problem with this. Not with the decision that they made – it’s very noble and all that – but in that they made it so easily. Let’s face it, it’s not easy to decide to willingly go to your death. Even if you’re in a no-win situation. It would be terrifying. We see none of this. We don’t see any of their thoughts and none of this emotion comes across in the dialogue.

Maya and Joey head out and get up on the grill. Joey starts an impromptu speech about how they’re not dying as a sacrifice to Abbadon, they’re dying to save everyone’s lives.

Then Maya started speaking, “I learned in ‘Sunday School’ that a person who wants to win his life will lose it, but the one who loses his life in the name of the kingdom of light will win his life.” (page 234)

This is not the stupidest quote of this chapter, and frankly, that’s saying something.

Maya and Joey lay down. Joey pulls a teddy bear out of his Mary Poppins backpack and starts expositing about how he’s had this teddy bear since he was three years old and how he took the teddy bear everywhere. Which is an odd monologue for a fourteen-year-old boy. Most of them will not admit they own a teddy bear, even if they’re about to be burnt alive.

Joey continues with saying that the bear, Fluffy, is going to die for the freedom of the men. It’s a stuffed animal, you twerp. It’s not going to die. You know who is going to die? Your sister, and it’s your fucking fault.

They start crying, Gertrude starts talking about the sacrifice, blah blah, the evil army cheers, and they set the stuff on fire. And, uh…

When the flames reached the soles of Maya’s tennis shoes and when the rubber of her shoes start smoking and burning, Maya screamed “It is real! This is not a fantasy! This is not a dream! I am burning! I’m dying! They are going to burn us alive!” (page 235).

No shit, Sherlock?

Then the sky explodes.

No, I’m not making this up.

…the sky over them burst open with an explosion of light. The clouds fled from the bright light into all directions of the four winds and hundred thousands of lightnings smashed the army of the darkness to the ground and fire consumed them all (page 236).

No, I do not know what ‘hundred thousands of lightnings’ means.

Anyway, Sagitta shows up with a chap named Dionysus, who blows the fire out. Dionysus then revives up the men who Lorris killed. The fairies, understandably, are not pleased, but Sagitta and Dionysus counter their attacks and the fairies bugger off.

Sagitta tells them to pack up and make for the lands of King Astrodoulos, because Abbadon is going to be following them. So they do just that. And Maya, this time, has the ‘Words of Wisdom’ to put a neat bow on this delightful chapter:

She was thinking ‘A jump through a wall of fire is one thing, but if someone wants to burn you alive on a grill and you had your ‘feet in the fire’ is another thing.’ This ‘death experience’ was sitting deep in Maya’s bones (page 239).

And with that this chapter is finally over.

I guess the moral here is that if you make poor decisions and endanger the lives that are entrusted with you, go along with your mortal enemies’ suicide plan for you, because God will jump out at the last minute and save you.

Drinks: 122

Comment [20]

Chapter Thirty-Four – The Muraco Swamps of Gardenia

Wow. A country named after a plant from our world. That’s creative.

So they ride along and get to the swamps. Apparently it’s very dangerous around here because there isn’t a path. I guess that maybe you can fall into quicksand or something, because Tesch doesn’t bother telling us exactly what the danger is. Getting lost? Falling into the marsh and drowning? Being eaten by the Swamp Thing?

“There are two quick ways to disaster”, Joey said to Goran, “Taking nobody’s advice and taking everybody’s advice.” (page 242)

I like that Tesch italicizes all of Joey’s little nuggets of wisdom. It tells me in advance what I need to quote, because they’re always going to be incredibly stupid.

In the first place, why is Joey randomly bringing this up? He and Goran aren’t in the middle of a conversation, they’re just riding along and Joey brings it up. It makes no sense.

Second, taking nobody’s advice is not necessarily a bad thing, as long as you’re an intelligent person who knows what they’re doing. If you’re the most qualified person in a particular area, it’s probably best to not take advice.

Third, taking everyone’s advice is usually impossible because people disagree on things. But on the off chance that every single person is giving you the exact same piece of advice, they just might be on to something. So ultimately, Joey’s nugget of wisdom is imparting nothing.

Goran says they shouldn’t cross the marshland without a scout to guide them across. This sounds like something you should have realized before you’re actually at the marshland. After all, everyone knew where they were going, and Goran clearly knows that this marshland is bad news. Shouldn’t they have planned appropriately, doing something like finding a guide in advance, or, failing that, journeyed around the marshland instead? Which settles it: Goran is a shitty leader as well. I don’t have much hope that anyone in this book will be remotely competent.

Goran scouts through the troops to see if anyone knows the marshlands. No one explicitly does, but there’s a chap named Petronio who knows some fishermen who fish in the swamp. Despite the ‘hundreds of aggressive crocodiles and many other wild beasts’ in the swamp. Yes, that’s a direct quote.

“if these men know the best fishing places then they know eventually also a secure way through these swamps” (page 243).

Then they know eventually also? Doesn’t Tesch actually read her sentences out loud?

Dumb question, I know.

Goran and Petronio head off and find the fishermen, but they don’t want to leave their boats. Goran whips his sword and orders them to come. Great. Threatening the locals. That’s a great way to win people over to your side.

So as the fisherman are walking back they surreptitiously plan to lead them into the swamp to the left, and then double off to the right. The army will continue into the left and disappear and die horribly, leaving their equipment behind for some reason. Then the fisherman can come back and steal their equipment. Which the food will have spoiled and the weaponry will be in the swamp, heavy, and covered in blood and muck. And who are they going to sell it to, exactly? Eh, I shouldn’t overthink this. The fishermen are clearly morons.

When they get back Joey has a bad feeling about them. This enrages me. It is cheap, shitty storytelling, and a total cop-out. In real life, you do not always get a Bad Feeling when someone who is Evil shows up. In real life, you can actually make mistakes and trust the wrong people. But Joey is the Chosen One and so of course he is never going to have anything bad happen to him. Fuck you, Gloria Tesch. You are a horrible and untalented writer.

Joey asks them if they have any families. The fishermen say yes, and during the course of it, it comes out that the wife of one of the fishermen left him because he was beating her with a stick. Which is kind of random, and also odd, considering that during certain periods it was socially acceptable to beat your wife. Anyway, the fisherman explain the best path through the swamps and say they’ll guide them. Afterwards, Joey pulls Goran and Petronio aside and says he doesn’t trust them. So he has a way of guaranteeing their assistance: he’s going to take their families hostage and not release them until they get to the other side.

Setting aside the fact that the fishermen’s families aren’t around and they have no idea where said families are, this isn’t a bad plan. But it is an evil plan. Let’s face it: you are grabbing their wives and children at swordpoint, forcing them to accompany you, and threatening the fishermen that you will kill their families if they lead you incorrectly. It’s not really morally defensible. This is the kind of thing the Bad Guys would do, not our noble heroes. And lest you say that they don’t have a better option, I would like to point out that God – er, sorry, the ‘Kingdom of Light’ has been deus ex machina-ing them out of every bad situation. Why not trust in them and just go for it?

Maya exposits, to herself (e.g. the reader) everything that has just happened. Just in case the reader was too stupid to figure this out. Or maybe Tesch is just trying to pad the novel to expand the page length.

So the fishermen quail and lead the army correctly through the swamp and afterwards Joey releases their families. Joey starts randomly talking to one of the kids who is called Danny. He asks the kid what his name means, and the kid replies that it means ‘judge’. Actually, Daniel means ‘God is my judge’, which is pretty much 100% different.

Danny tells Joey that the Muraco Swamps are extremely dangerous and deadly. Joey realizes that the Muraco Swamps were one of the places that the fishermen had originally said they were going to lead the army through. But they didn’t actually go through the Muraco Swamps. Which really cements it: these fishermen are incredibly stupid. They deserve to die.

Joey confronts the fishermen and says he now knows that they were planning on killing everyone. The fishermen immediately confess and start apologizing instead of denying everything, which is a terrible idea. Denying everything is always the best idea. Anyway, the fishermen say they only wanted to murder the entire army to create a better life for their families. This touches the hearts of Maya and Joey because they flash back to their own parents, which is a little creepy. Anyway, Maya and Joey forgive the fishermen and invite them to join the army. Naturally, both fishermen are delighted with the idea of having their young families join a tiny army that is destined to be brutally slaughtered to the last man. Hooray!

Drinks: 51

Chapter Thirty-Five – Maya’s New Friend

Maya’s lips scare me.

The fishermen pack up their belongings, which includes a golden retriever called Phoenix. Now, normally, the fact that we are currently IN AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT WORLD and there is a fucking golden retriever named Phoenix would send me into an apoplectic rage, but I’m not going to lie, I am slightly inebriated as I type this sentence. It’s very calming.

Maya is staring at the dog with joy and the fisherman’s family notices and decide to give her Phoenix as a present. The entire family agrees. Speaking as someone from a large family, there is no way in hell that every kid would just agree to give away the dog. Most kids would rather sell a sibling into slavery than give up a beloved family pet.

So they give Phoenix to Maya and the girl and dog instantly have a Connection. Naturally.

We end with an infuriating quote:

Maya and Joey were pleased with their presence and it was the right decision to include these two fishermen families into the service of the assembly (page 256).

Of course it was.

Drinks: 9

Chapter Thirty-Six – The Royal Cavalry

They’re getting close to the capital of Maradonia where King Astrodoulos lives. Some cavalry comes out to meet them. The leader introduces himself as Felipe, which amuses me for some reason. Felipe looks at Maya and Joey and says that they must be the Encouragers. Apparently they’re known everywhere. No. They’ve been in Maradonia for less than a week. News travels slowly. They do not have internet or phone lines.

Felipe talks about how awesome Maya and Joey are:

“Everybody wants to have a little glimpse of you and if somebody has a chance to touch you, they will get hysterical.” (page 259)

Unlikely, as they aren’t rock stars. I like the way this was handled in Narnia: their presence was foretold, they’re going to be saving everyone’s skins from the White Witch, and while the Narnians are generally pretty happy to see them, they aren’t falling over themselves to fellate them. Then again, Gloria Tesch =\= C.S. Lewis.

Nothing happens for awhile. And by ‘awhile’, I mean nine pages. You see, usually when a new character shows up and wants to know what the main characters have been up to, the author will make it short and sweet. Something like this:

Maya and Joey told Felipe everything that had happened to them in the Land of Maradonia.

Tesch, on the other hand, goes into explicit detail recounting everything that has happened to them. Even though we already know all of it. Because we actually read through it the first time.

Drinks: 54

Chapter Thirty-Seven – Triumph in the City of Selinka

They arrive to what is essentially a tickertape parade. Everyone is out to see them. It’s very exciting. So they send the army off with the citizens to eat and rest and leave all of their provisions with Petronio and the fishermen. You know, the fishermen who were just recently planning on killing 300+ people to steal everything that belonged to them. The same.

Maya and Joey head in to meet the city elders. Felipe introduces them and then gives a speech that lasts for five and a half pages. And no…it really isn’t very interesting. At all. Most of is stuff the city council should know. He mentions the mermaids are in danger. Well yeah, we knew that. He also mentions that Apollyon’s men stole the unicorns and Maya and Joey recovered them. Yeah, we knew that as well. Felipe also talks about what Maya and Joey have been through and that they are The Encouragers. Yes. We know that. You don’t need to reiterate what we have just had to painfully live through.

Tesch does the literary equivalent of trying to pump her audience up through text. How? By using a lot of exclamation marks, italics, and dramatic spaces and empty lines on the page. It looks ridiculous. But the basic idea is that Maya and Joey are awesome, and they’re here now.

I hate this book.*

Drinks: 33

*So does my liver.

Comment [13]

Author’s Note: This sporking is dedicated to No One. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Chapter Thirty-Eight – Gold & Silver

After Felipe finishes his dramatic speech it’s quiet for a bit until one of the elders gets up. He introduces himself as ‘Hilton’ and welcomes Maya and Joey:

“I belong to the senate and we salute you Maya and Joey. We bow down in front of you. We honor you and we are honored to have you here. We welcome you from the bottom of our hearts and we appreciate you being with us. We will do everything to serve you because you have served us first by conquering the seven bridges in the ‘Land of Maradonia’.” (page 279).

If you think that greeting sounds like overkill, you’re not alone. I’m not sure why he’s named after a hotel, and I’m also not sure what he means by saying Maya and Joey have served them. The seven bridges were personal tests for Maya and Joey (sort of, more on that later). They haven’t done anything that has benefited the people of Maradonia. One could argue that freeing the unicorns was a good thing, except Sagitta and Cato did that. Everything else they’ve done has only been for themselves. And once you factor in Joey’s test of their army, one could argue that they’ve done more harm than good. A lot more harm than good.

Felipe continues and talks about how Abbadon the son of Apollyon, along with seven other evil doers, is about to be released. This leads into what is probably the single greatest quote of this entire book:

It looks like Apollyon the ruler of the ‘Empire of the Underworld’ will start a total war against us when his son is finally released and will join with his companions ‘Apollyon’s club of evil’ (page 280).

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Seriously? The club of evil? Let me guess: do they have an Evil Clubhouse? Evil T-shirts? An Evil Newsletter? In the back of the Evil Newsletter, do they have a list of Evil Pen Pals you can write to? To any artistic minded readers, I will pay good money for a t-shirt that says Apollyon’s Club of Evil on it. Hell, I’d settle for a beautifully designed picture or letterhead.

Felipe doesn’t let up there, though:

“Our information is that Apollyon has called for a general meeting with all his agents to present to him the final ordinance survey map which we call the ‘strategic map’ to fight the war against us (page 280).

So it’s the last authoritative decree comprehensive appraisal of a situation map. I can see why they just call it the strategic map.

Senator Hilton looked at Maya and Joey. “You must not tell us your story again because we are very well informed not only by General Felipe but by ‘King Astrodoulos’.” (page 280).

I love that Hilton tells them, essentially, that he’s not interested in hearing their story again. It’s not even ‘you’d better not’, it’s ‘you MUST not’.

Apparently King Astrodoulos already knows trivial details about them, like about Hoppy and Joey’s teddy bear Fluffy, and even that Joey got Fluffy from his mother when he was three years old. How? He has deeper knowledge, whatever that means.

Hilton has the servants bring out refreshments. Tesch uses the word ‘livery’ correctly, which surprises me, and makes up for it by having Hilton explain that that doorknobs, plates, cups, forks, knifes (not knives), spoons, etc are all made from solid gold. This is rather problematic, because gold is a soft metal. Very soft. A gold-plated utensil would work quite well, and if you didn’t use your utensils for anything harder than soup and whipped cream, it might work, but otherwise this sounds like a very bad idea.

Tesch describes the palace in detail. The walls are “overlaid with red shinning gold” (page 281). Not shining. Shinning. Next, they go into the ‘Hall of Inspiration’:

Two golden cherubim’s were standing at the entrance with huge wings (page 282).

Apparently Tesch is not aware that cherubim is plural for cherub.

Hilton talks for another two and a half pages, mostly listing in excruciatingly detail the lists and numbers of different groups of people. It’s like those sections of the Bible that just spends pages listing genealogies. There’s a reason why no one ever quotes or reads from those parts, and it’s that nobody wants to read them because it’s boring. The same goes for these pages.

Hilton starts taking them across the city towards where King Astrodoulos is. As they go, they ask him about how many people live in the city. Hilton explains that there are the Maradonians, and the original inhabitants, the Gorgonians, who are descended from giants. Apparently the giants came to town and took woman to be their wives. This reminds me of the scene in the Bible where the sons of God start marrying the daughters of man, and their descendants were giants. But I’m sure that’s just a coincidence.

They head down a flight of 333 steps and get into some carriages that remind Joey of London, England. Not England. Not London. London, England. Joey explicitly states it that way. Yet another example of Tesch’s complete lack of an ear for dialogue.

Drinks: 54

Chapter Thirty-Nine – King Astrodoulos

As they ride along, Joey and Maya talk about what King Astrodoulos’s pad is going to look like. Joey guesses bricks of solid goal and the walls covered in jewels. They travel for a bit longer and stop at a stretch of green land with a few fruit trees, and Felipe announces that they have arrived at the King’s estate. Maya and Joey are stunned. Felipe leads them through the trees to a house that’s made of a wooden logs and isn’t shiny at all. They walk inside and immediately notice that the rooms are glowing with a warm light. It’s so bright that they can’t really see anything, until they get inside to where King Astrodoulos is sitting.

Then they saw Him (page 292).

There’s even a picture of Him:

Okay, not really, but I’m starting to get some vibes. Let’s see: Lives in a simple wooden hut. Check. Is unquestionably Good. Check. Glowing with light. Check. Cavorts with doves. Check. Has His pronouns capitalized. Check. Gives people warm feelings in their hearts when they look at Him. Check. Clothed in a simple robe. Check. Knows secrets about people without being told. Check. Wears sandals. Check. It’s not really that subtle. For those who weren’t convinced of this book being a blatant Narnia rip-off…

There’s a description of him, which sounds like pretty much like how any typical modern Christian would describe Jesus.

King AstroJesus gets up and starts talking about how he has the keys to the secrete chambers. Yes, the secrete chambers.

“I know that you resisted the evil powers when you were tested and conquered the seven bridges of temptation.” (page 293)

Hang on. Seven bridges of temptation? What temptations?

To recap, the seven bridges were:

1. Decision Test (Where they decided whether they would follow Arabella or the doves). I guess this was a temptation because Arabella was offering to make them rich.

2. Obedience Test (Where Sagitta rescued them after Joey fell into the river). Not about obedience or temptation.

3. Trespassing Test (Where Joey chopped the head off the snake with a kitchen knife). Theoretically you could argue that this was about trespassing, since they were walking past where a snake lives, but it certainly wasn’t about temptation.

4. Separation & Cleansing Test (Where Maya and Joey got separated because they are idiots and then Maya fell into a vat of toxic waste and almost died). Not about cleansing or temptation.

5. Peace Test (Where Sagitta and Cato rescued the unicorns and Maya and Joey stole the credit for). I guess there were some vague temptations here, but it certainly wasn’t about peace, and Maya and Joey certainly didn’t conquer it.

6. Food Test (Where Joey tried to make his army die of dehydration). Not tempting, not a test for Maya and Joey, and it was horrifically stupid.

7. Fire Test (Where Maya and Joey agreed to be barbecued in honor of Abbadon to save everyone else). Definitely a test that involves fire, not even remotely about temptation.

So yeah. AstroJesus is a moron. It gets really obvious with this next sentence:

“You are still so young and you have already reached such a high level of understanding and knowledge which the majority of your people in your world will never ever reach (page 293).

NO. BULLSHIT. SHUT UP, YOU FRAUD!

Is this girl serious? Has she actually deluded herself into thinking that Maya and Joey have reached a state of self-actualization with intelligence levels above most of the world’s population? Really, Tesch? You really want to go there?

AstroJesus explains that at the exact moment Maya and Joey walked into his house, Abbadon was released from his prison cells. We still don’t know why this happened.

Next, AstroJesus says that they’ve come at the right time. He gives speeches twice a day but people aren’t following his advice. People are deserting every day and don’t have a lot of hope. But he has a plan: he’s going to get some scribes to sit down and write out the story of everything that Maya and Joey have been up to. They will send this story out and it will inspire everyone and raise troops to join their army.

You have got to be kidding me.

Let me get this straight:

Maya and Joey’s story is, essentially, Maradonia and the Seven Bridges. So Gloria Tesch is saying that a character who is for all intents and purposes JESUS thinks that a story that she wrote will be more influential and persuasive than LIVE SPEECHES GIVEN BY JESUS. Yes. She has just said that she can write better than THE SON OF GOD.

The ego of this girl is staggering.

Drinks: 23

Comment [31]

Chapter Fourty – The Secret of Livius

Yes. That is Chapter Fourty. Not Chapter Forty. And this isn’t a one-time typo, either – chapters forty through forty-nine are all spelled this way. This book parodies itself.

AstroJesus keeps expositing about how Maya and Joey are going to be huge targets of Abbadon because he doesn’t want them encouraging the Maradonians. Honestly, I’m not certain why Abbadon is so worried. Haven’t we heard about how they are horribly outnumbered? Why doesn’t Abbadon just swoop in and slaughter everyone anyway?

Joey mentions that ever since he and Maya were almost barbecued, neither of them are afraid of death. So, that traumatic near-death experience actually had some effect on them? I’m shocked. They seemed to get over it so quickly.

AstroJesus, however, points out that every time they’ve been in trouble, someone came to help them out. This instantly makes AstroJesus my favorite character in the book. FINALLY someone is pointing out that Maya and Joey haven’t actually accomplished jack shit so far, they’ve just been lucky enough to have people around to bail them out.

Unfortunately, AstroJesus doesn’t point this out in as many words, he just keeps talking about how they need to protect Maya and Joey. I want to keep liking AstroJesus, as characters who call the MC’s on their bullshit are rare, so I came up with an explanation for this: Let’s assume AstroJesus knows Maya and Joey are worthless, however, he does know that everyone thinks they’re the cat’s pajamas because of the prophecy. Therefore, he has a vested interest in keeping them alive, if only to ruthlessly exploit them to keep the ignorant masses happy and boost military recruitment.

AstroJesus explains that blood is going to keep them safe. Drink for another Christian reference. He launches into a story about how King Roach threw Apollyon’s palace into an ocean, and the ocean turned red like blood. Apparently, if you bathe in this pool it will give you protection from the powers of darkness.

AstroJesus rambles for a bit and shares a couple Important Life Lessons with them, and mentions that he meditates and connects with the supernatural world and that’s how he knows all sorts of things. Eventually he gets back on topic and orders all of his servants out except for just the two of them. AstroJesus then explains that he took a dip in the pool of blood and came out and stood around to let it dry. But afterwards he realized there was a leaf stuck to his shoulder and it hadn’t been covered with the blood – and you can’t take a dip twice. So now he has this small patch on his shoulder that is unprotected and vulnerable to attack.

First – how much of a moron do you have to be to not notice something like that?

Second – maybe I should change his name to AchillesJesus. No….doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Joey wants to take all their men with them so everyone can be protected. AstroJesus agrees but says that everyone will have to be blindfolded so the location remains a secret. I’m having a hard time buying this. You’re talking about an ocean of water that is big enough to have an entire palace thrown into it. Just for good measure, it’s also blood red. It’s difficult to hide something like that. And for that matter, shouldn’t AstroJesus have been taking small groups of blindfolded soldiers up there to take a dip for the past few years? After all, he needs every advantage he can get, right? Doesn’t he care about his men’s lives? What an asshole!

AstroJesus calls in all his men, including “Lieutenant Commander General Genarius”. I’m not an expert on the exact rules of military titles, but something about that one seems off. Maybe it’s the fact that Google tells me the name Genarius is stolen from Star Wars. Anyway, he gives orders for the Maya and Joey story to be created and tells them that Genarius is his Number One and can be trusted completely in all things.

Drinks: 23

Chapter Fourty-One – Vibrations

Maya and Joey walk past the unicorns, who are nervous because they feel vibrations in the air? Why? It’s not explained.

Everyone talks about nothing for awhile, and speaking of nothing, this reminds me of Hoppy. Where the hell did he go? He hasn’t been mentioned in some time. Tesch needs to stop forgetting about characters she’s created.

Eventually Joey gets up and explains that they’re going to go bathe in the special pool. Some of their men are unbelieving. Joey explains that nobody is obligated to follow them and take a dip, every man can make his own choice as to whether he wants to come. Everyone except for thirteen men decide to come. They’re morons, of course. What harm is there in going, as long as you let someone else go first to make sure it’s not acid? If it doesn’t work, you’re no worse off than you were before. But thirteen of them decide to stay behind and trust in their own strength.

“Okay than, it’s your funeral.” said Maya as she rode off with Joey in the state carriage (page 310).

They really need to lose the snarkiness. And Tesch really needs to learn the difference between ‘than’ and ‘then’. Or at least hire an editor.

Drinks: 11

Chapter Fourty-Two – Judge Kingston

Maya and Joey meet up with Judge Kingston, who is…a judge. Anyway, the judge has been tapped to write the Maya and Joey story. Why him? No idea. He calls in a couple of scribes and Maya and Joey recount the story – fortunately, Tesch doesn’t tell it again. Naturally, the scribes are rather astonished and don’t really believe most of it. So Kingston gives them his opinion, in the king of all run-on sentences:

“Of course the whole story has also another aspect of truth because the King had sent the seven doves, which are the seven good spirits of the ‘Land of Maradonia’ to lead Maya and Joey from their world into our world and they helped them on their way to come to us and to encourage our people who live in fear even though King Astrodoulos is teaching twice a week in City Hall and is telling everyone to believe in his own future and that the people in this country need a new vision because without a vision the people will be lost” (page 313).

I feel like emailing Gloria Tesch a bunch of periods and telling her to use them.

The clerks finish up and then ask Maya and Joey to add a special note and signature of their own. So Maya and Joey think for a bit and then write. This annoys me. Two separate people cannot think and write the same thing simultaneously. They would have to discuss what they wanted to write and then one of them would write it down. It’s small but it’s irritating. Although not as irritating as what they write:

‘A great man is always willing to serve and to be little’ (page 314).

Not sure what this means. Maybe they mean ‘belittle’. Probably not, though. Unfortunately people can’t change their size. I kinda get what they’re trying to say, but there are about 117 ways they could better phrase this.

Drinks: 9

Chapter Fourty-Three – Blood Warrior Bond

I think our Apollyon’s Club of Evil t-shirt needs to have this on the sleeve or something.

AstroJesus meets up with everyone before they head off to the Magic Pool and gives them a pep talk. He mentions a few times that Lieutenant Commander General Genarius is going to be his successor, which seems to be on shaky legal grounds, but who knows, maybe in ‘Maradonia’ the king gets to appoint his successor if he doesn’t have any children?

AstroJesus shares several pages of fortune-cookie wisdom and eventually gets back to the Magic Pool. They’re going to have everyone strip naked, leap in, sink down to the bottom, get out, and then stand around and not move until the liquid dries onto their bodies. Why? I don’t know. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t mean that they have to leave the liquid crusted on their bodies for the rest of their lives, so why doesn’t the magic liquid just…protect you? Why do you need it to dry on you? Also, wouldn’t this method mean that the soles of their feet would be unprotected? If you have to let it dry on you, it wouldn’t take more than a few seconds of standing on dry land before the water drains off the bottom of your feet.

Clearly, I’m thinking about this far too logically.

AstroJesus explains that as soon as Genarius blows the trumpet, it’s safe to get dressed again:

“From that moment on you are a ‘BBM’!”

“King Astrodoulos! What is a ‘BBM’?” Maya asked.

“Maya and Joey and all you people listen to your king. If you are once sealed with the liquid of that pond you are a real ‘BBM’, a sealed ‘BLOOD BOND MEMBER’ under the direct protection of the Kingdom of Light. [snip] As a ‘Blood Warrior Bond Member’ under the direct protection of the ‘Kingdom of Light’ you are untouchable and invincible by the powers of darkness.” (page 320).

So…what is it? BBM, BWB, or BWBM? These are important questions. You can’t just random give out absolutely retarded acronyms like that. Well….I guess Jesus can.

Drinks: 25

Chapter Fourty-Four – A Vision in Mid Air

This is supposed to be a man.

So a man who looks like a girl appears in midair, which means that some people were looking right up her his dress robe.

The flying thing holds out his swords over everyone and AstroJesus explains that this means they’ve found favor in the eyes of King Roach. Hooray!

We then cut to omniscient narrator. The story of Maya and Joey goes out and people are ecstatic. Men are signing up for the military left and right, without even saying goodbye to their families. They are that inspired.

A ‘hysteria’ broke out, especially under the young children and women who ran out of their houses to the streets and to the market places and screamed for hours, “Long live Maya and Joey, ‘The Encouragers’!” The boys yelled “Maya!” The girls screamed “Joey!” (page 323).

This is remarkably creepy, considering that they are fifteen and fourteen, respectively. Then again, considering how many girls go moist for Justin Bieber, I guess it’s not terribly surprising. Still, I can’t help feeling like I’m reading about Gloria Tesch’s personal fantasy of being wildly famous and beloved by everyone.

Anyway. Bottom line is they have more recruits then they know what to do with.

Drinks: 15

Comment [25]

Chapter Fourty-Five – Rouganda Completely Destroyed

Genarius leads everybody along. They pass some mountains that are called the ‘high plateau of death’. This sounds rather interesting. I’d like to know why it’s called that. Tesch doesn’t bother explaining, though.

After awhile they arrive at Rouganda, which, much like the title of this chapter suggests, has been completely destroyed. Genarius explains that Gertrude and co. destroyed the village, however, due to a miracle all of the children were saved. The miracle was…the powers of evil attacked right after all the children went down to the shore to catch some fish. That doesn’t really sound like a miracle to me. It sounds like a happy coincidence.

Genarius explains that the powers of evil are well-organized and attack in groups. Joey asks him why.

“Joey, you should know better! You crossed with your sister Maya the seven bridges of temptations successfully. You should know that ‘The powers of evil believe in teamwork’!” (page 328).

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.

Is Tesch trying to make these villains as non-threatening as possible? They have their Club of Evil, and they believe in teamwork. Next she’ll be telling us how the villains always use the Buddy System when they go swimming, and they shake hands with the opposing team after a intramural sports event.

Anyway, there wasn’t really a point to this chapter except to reiterate that the Empire is Evil. Although at least Tesch has a one-up on Paolini, because her Bad Guys actually do, y’know, bad things.

Drinks: 18

Chapter Fourty-Six – The Pool of Blood

Genarius blindfolds everyone except for Maya and Joey. Why? Well that’s actually a really good question. Back when AstroJesus was telling everyone they had to be blindfolded, he was speaking to EVERYONE, and did not specifically exclude Maya and Joey. I think, though, that this is more Tesch being a poor writer than Genarius doing anything untoward. Tesch’s point here is that obviously Maya and Joey aren’t being blindfolded because they are Speshul and the ‘Encouragers’ and as such they get to see the way to the secret hiding place that nobody else does.

Applying logic to the situation, though, this is a terrible idea. The more people who know of this location, the greater the chances of the secret getting out. That’s just simple math. Let’s not forget that Maya and Joey are both reasonably stupid children, and should under no circumstances be trusted with any potentially world-destroying information. The entire reason AstroJesus wanted to blindfold everyone is so Apollyon couldn’t force anyone to reveal its location. Nice going, morons. Hopefully this will come back to bite them in the ass later.

I would like to point out, though, that this entire thing is rather idiotic. They have over 300 people with over 300 horses. That number of people will leave a trail beaten into ground that a blind man could follow. Apollyon isn’t going to need a Ranger to track them to this pool. Don’t worry though…this never actually comes into play.

The men were now walking, holding with their left hand the holsters of the own horse and with their right hand the horse’s tail in front of them (page 330).

This is a really, really good way to get yourself kicked in the face. And it’s called a HALTER, not a HOLSTER.

Savvy?

Blah de blah, they walk along through the mountains:

The path was so narrow that the horses and the men had no room for mistakes (page 331).

Well good thing they can all see where they’re going oh wait never mind they’re blindfolded.

They walk through the mountains for a bit and eventually they arrive at the pool of blood.

The surface of that lake looked like frozen red glass (page 331).

How can glass be frozen?

Maya asks Genarius if they can lead the horses into the pool as well. Genarius says that that is a BRILLIANT idea and gives them permission and asks them to take his horse in for a dip as well.

Joey took the two unicorns, the horse of General Genarius and led them to the lake (page 332).

The unicorns are intelligent creatures that are capable of speech. You don’t need to ‘lead’ them anywhere, Tesch.

Maya and the few other girls that are there go off to a secluded part of the lake to strip down and take a dip. Maya has to drag Phoenix into the lake to get him completely covered. Calling bullshit on this one. As will be shortly announced, you have to let the liquid completely dry onto your body afterwards for it to have any effect. Any dog is going to immediately shake the water off him after it gets out of the lake. So will the horses, for that matter.

Maya enjoys swimming and diving in the lake and spends three paragraphs expositing to herself about how awesome it is. I can’t help but point out that even if the liquid is not real blood, it’s still called the Pool of Blood and it’s the color of blood and so swimming and diving in it would be extremely disgusting and disturbing.

All the people, the horses and the unicorns of the assembly were now swimming and diving in the lake (page 333).

Good luck getting a horse to dive into a lake of blood. Good luck dunking them, as well.

Tesch randomly tells us about Genarius:

Basically he was a private and quite person (page 334).

I think you mean “quiet”. There’s another drink.

When he saw everybody swimming and diving in the lake he had a big smile on his face (page 334).

Which is really really disturbing, considering that everyone in the lake is stark naked. He does go on to think about how the powers of Evil will be surprised when their weapons don’t work on everyone, but it’s still rather creepy.

Genarius gets worried suddenly and orders everyone out of the lake. Everyone gets out.

Only Phoenix tried to shake off the liquid, but he couldn’t (page 335).

Why not? If the liquid just sticks to you and you can’t get it off, why do they need to spend several pages standing around waiting for it to dry? And if not, then a dog would be able to shake it off. Nice try, Tesch.

Genarius feels vibrations in the air, which basically means that the forces of Evil are approaching. He worries, weighing whether they should leave immediately versus whether they should wait for everyone to dry. This takes up all of page 335.

Page 336 consists of the vibrations growing even stronger, and everyone getting a little bit more nervous.

Page 337 consists of the vibrations growing even stronger, and everyone getting a little bit more nervous.

On page 338 they finally are dry and grab their clothes and take off and that is that. Yes. Tesch just wasted three and a half pages jacking up tension for no reason.

Drinks: 12

Chapter Fourty-Seven – The Triangle

The Empire is most displeased:

Abbadon, their commander, yelled at the seven spirits, “What do you mean by telling me that you lost the position of this little group of punks led by a bunch of children and this General Genarius.” (page 339)

Heheh punks. Also, there should be a question mark at the end of that sentence.

One of the spirits explains that they followed them to Rouganda, where they were resting, so they left and went to find Abbadon. This is moronic. Why wouldn’t you leave a couple of the spirits to watch the people you’re supposed to be tracking while the other spirits go to fetch Abbadon? Christmas, these villains are incompetent.

Abbadon refers to them as ‘earthlings’, which really doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. The Maradonians don’t refer to their planet as ‘Earth’, but even if they did, everyone on the planet would be an earthling. It doesn’t make sense unless Abbadon was from Mars. Hmm, maybe Tesch is trying to tell us something.

The spirits explain that their tracks vanished at the village, which we’ve already established is bullshit. Abbadon continues to rage:

“The fact is that it is simply not possible for them to disappear with over three hundred people in mid air. We are controlling the air! Only we have the flying saucers! There are no other aliens from other planets horsing around in the air. People believe the nonsense that the aliens come from other planets. Let them believe it! We are the aliens! We are the rulers and the principalities of the air and we know what happens in the air. The fact remains that these three hundred people are not flying somewhere through the air!” (page 342).

This would be a far more dramatic reveal if there had been any indication of flying saucers or UFOs anywhere in this book prior to this page, but there hasn’t.

The spirits explain that they did see thirteen warriors by themselves talking about how they should have gone with everyone else. Abbadon dispatches some spirits to follow them and some more spirits to try and track down everyone else. He then muses on why they would do something random like this.

“I don’t understand this action at all but even for us there are still things between heaven and earth which we don’t understand!” (page 344).

Despite being an absolute moron, Abbadon seems remarkably grounded in his own shortcomings. Except for the fact that he’s a moron, unfortunately.

Drinks: 14

Comment [27]

Chapter Fourty-Eight – The Furnace of Abbadon

Genarius is leading everyone back. For some reason, he first wants to take them to a resting place next to the ‘Thordis River’. Tesch doesn’t explain why, not even a throwaway line about how everyone was tired from their journey into the mountains. The reason quickly becomes clear, however. It’s because Tesch wanted to stage the next scene there.

There are five ravens up in the sky that spot them. They notify Abbadon of their location and tell him that the thirteen riders (the ones who refused to bathe in the pool) are on the way to meet the rest of the army. Abbadon is delighted:

“We will celebrate a wonderful ‘slaughter fest’ and eliminate all of them. We need this victory to discourage the people in the ‘Land of Maradonia’.” (page 346).

Tesch is really, really bad at exposition.

Abbadon quickly marches his army over the ‘Kiyoshi Pass’ and down into the valley to cut them off. No. Troop movements take time. It takes awhile to move an entire army, you can’t just cross mountain passes and descend into a valley in a few hours. It’s not physically possible, and especially not when your army is on foot.

General Felipe freaks out because they’re all going to die and all that. Genarius has the perfect response:

“Do you doubt my abilities, General Felipe and my charisma to lead all the armies of King Astrodoulos in the ‘Land of Maradonia’?” (page 348).

Yes. Charisma. I swear I am not making this up. Genarius continues and tells Felipe to command the army to sit down, relax, and smile. Felipe is agog:

“All of them should sit down, relax and smile? That must be a joke General Genarius but we have no time for jokes and horsing around anymore.”

“I see that you love horses.”

“Yes… I love horses but do you really know who is chasing us with his army and with his ugly fairies? It is nobody else then Abbadon personally, the son of Apollyon, king of the air and the underworld. I really do not want to criticize you, General Genarius but I hope that you are right and I will trust your charismatic leadership.” (page 348-249)

Christmas. So much.

Why does Felipe have so little faith in Genarius? Or why does he begin with so little faith? What does Genarius’ random statement about horses have to do with anything? Doesn’t Felipe know that Genarius knows who is chasing them? And if he doesn’t want to criticize him, and trusts his charismatic leadership, why is he questioning him at every turn? You can’t have it both ways, Tesch.

The thirteen warriors show up next and say they’re there to protect them. Genarius tells them to throw down their weapons, turn around, and get the fuck out of Dodge before Abbadon shows up.

The riders looked at each other with long faces and then they started to laugh so hard that two of them fell from their horses. They could not even stop laughing when they were laying on their bellies on the sandy ground and were beating the sand with their fists (page 350).

I have never seen someone laugh so hard that they were beating the ground with their fists. But more importantly, these riders are falling down laughing at a direct command from a superior officer. Do they have some kind of death wish? (Answer: yes)

The riders say that they’re going to stay and protect the assembly. Which is a little moronic, as the assembly is comprised entirely of soldiers. You don’t need to protect soldiers, you need to join the soldiers and fight as a unit. These riders are moronic.

Three of the riders take off but ten remain to protect…the armed soldiers. The ten remaining talk about how they trust in their own strength. Maya and Joey ask them to think back to the power of Abbadon. The soldiers say that they will fight and hope Dionysus will come and help them. Wait…so they’re not trusting in their own strength? Make up your fucking mind, Tesch! Either they trust in their strength or they don’t. And why would the soldiers trust in a mystical being to appear and save them and NOT trust in the powers of a magical pool? How dense can they get?

Genarius gets a nice quote:

“Nobody will take care of you because you missed the chance to take care of yourselves when you had it.” said General Genarius. “But it was your own decision. I cannot and I will not force you to leave.” (page 352).

Okay. He’s a terrible leader. Let me explain. One of the traits of a good leader is making unpopular decisions. It’s your job, as a leader. Even if your underlings disagree with you, you have to face the hard truths and make the difficult decisions. This is a perfect example, except it’s not a hard decision at all. All ten men, if they stay, are going to die horribly. Genarius is their commanding officer, he has the authority to command them to do pretty much whatever he wants. More importantly, he has the responsibility to make sure that these men are (as much as they can be) safe. As their general, he has to make decisions that are in the best interest of the realm, and it’s in the realm’s best interests to NOT sacrifice ten men for no reason. Therefore, it’s Genarius’s responsibility to order the men to run, whether they want to or not. He doesn’t. He’s an asshole. And a moron.

Not to mention that Genarius’ point seems to be that they were given a chance to help themselves but they didn’t take it, so TPTB won’t help them. Except TPTB have been helping out Maya and Joey from situations that their own idiocy has gotten themselves into for this entire book. Why would they save the soldiers here?

Finally Abbadon shows up and commands fire to fall from the sky. He doesn’t want to actually hurt anyone, just wants to terrify them. So he’s a typical monologuing villain.

Flaming snowflakes start falling. Although if they were flaming, they wouldn’t really be snowflakes, would they? But all of the assembly (i.e. the good guys) sit around and smile. Personally, I wouldn’t be able to smile with cinders raining down on me, but that’s just me.

Next, Gertrude summons darkness. Abbadon sends Lorris out, and thoughtfully exposits to the reader that she will touch people with her index finger and they will die and ‘be like a stone’. Which corpses aren’t like. At all. Stones are hard and made of rock. Corpses are squishy and made of flesh and congealed blood. Anyway, Lorris goes out and starts touching people and nothing happens! She is furious and spends a paragraph wondering why her powers don’t work.

Abbadon called Ceara with the words “Ceara, my lovely Dragon! You are the most beautiful black person in our empire! I have enough from this nonsense. Burn them down…All of them!” (page 355).

Ah, racism.

Ceara breathes waves of flame down. She fries the ten stupid warriors into a crunchy crisp, cementing Genarius as a fucking moron.

I could complain about the fact that Lorris wasn’t able to kill the 10 unprotected warriors with her index-finger-to-stone technique, but there are a lot of soldiers there, so it’s plausible that she touched a few random people and gave up before she tested the ten unprotected soldiers specifically. On the other hand, these ten warriors are standing out in front of everyone to ‘protect’ them, so it’s really not that plausible.

Abbadon steps forward to monologue. He’s actually not a stereotypical villain here, as there’s no cackling or anything, but Tesch fails to deliver anything interesting.

“…if we do not get rid of you soon, the whole nation of Maradonia will be encouraged and that would not be in our best interest.” (page 356).

Naturally, Abbadon doesn’t say why it wouldn’t be in their best interest. I would guess that this may have something to do with the fact that the nation of Maradonia is kind’ve in opposition to Abbadon, but Tesch doesn’t really explain or make any of this clear. Which highlights one of the problems this book has: it’s not really clear how the different conflicting countries really work.

As an example, I’ll use Eragon. In Umläütgäësiä, there’s the Evil Empire, which controls pretty much most of the world, the terrorists Varden, the dwarves who hide in their mountain, the pretentious elves who hide in their forest, and a couple free nation states. Overall, it’s pretty clearly laid out who is involved with who and who is at war with each other.

In Maradonia we have no such luck. We have the land of Maradonia…and then the Evil Bad Guy. At first it sounded like the Evil Bad Guy ruled Maradonia with an iron fist or something, but later it was apparent that King AstroJesus rules. And there might be a few autonomous collectives beneath him. And Abbadon is lurking…outside Maradonia? Inside Maradonia? Is Maradonia the name of the continent or of the nation itself?

Okay. I just flipped to the beginning of the book and looked at the poorly drawn map that I never really looked at before. It’s pretty obvious that Tesch did not take distances into account when writing the novel (or the map is nowhere close to scale). But it does look like Maradonia is one country among several on the map. Which creates more issues. For instance, they had to travel into a completely different country to get to this special pool. There was no mention of it in the book. Do they just have free rein to march an army of 300 soldiers right into the neighboring country without permission or checking in at the border? Somehow I have difficulty believing that.

Anyway. Abbadon and Joey exchange a few empty threats and Joey tells everyone to draw their swords and charge. Abbadon orders Ceara forward and she blows flames and everyone is fine. The bad guys are stunned. Abbadon summons flaming snowflakes. No effect. Abbadon flips his shit.

He pulled his hair. He screamed. He panicked and he commanded his army and all his powers immediately to leave the place and to move back to his father’s castle (page 359).

This is the Dark Lord. Frightening, isn’t he?

Naturally, Abbadon freaking out terrifies his army as well. Clearly he’s an excellent commander. So everyone freaks out for another page and finally there’s this thoroughly ridiculous paragraph:

And so it was… Abbadon gave the final command to retreat and he was turning back with Gertrude, Lorris and Ceara and the seven unseen spirits and all the other powers and commander of the ground troops (page 360).

Tesch has used this ‘And so it was’ several times so far. Each time it’s been completely pointless. I think she’s trying to be dramatic, or thinks it’s a clever way to shift from Abbadon’s point of view to her omniscient narrator, but it’s not, and it’s getting very annoying. Also, what point was there to list everyone who is returning? All the sentence needs to say is ‘Abbadon gave his entire army the order to retreat’. There it is. Nine words. You could even remove ‘his entire army’ and make it six. Instead of thirty-six. Tesch has never heard of eschewing surplusage.

I have no idea why they’re retreating. Yeah, their magic powers don’t work, but Abbadon still outnumbers them ten to one. Why doesn’t he send 500 men or so to attack and find out if swords and spears still work on them, even if magic doesn’t? What’s the worse that could happen? Plus, Abbadon knows that Maya and Joey and company don’t have any magical powers themselves (otherwise they would have used them). What is he so afraid of?

I’m guessing that this is just Tesch’s way of avoiding confrontation because she doesn’t want an actual battle here (mostly because Abbadon would slaughter them. Seriously. Abbadon has 3,000 trained soldiers. Genarius has 300 inept farmers and teenagers with no real training. It’d look like an abattoir when they were done), so she just has Abbadon pussy out and leave. It’s just plain shitty writing, though.

The last paragraph tells us that everyone is so terrified about the possible of having lost their powers that nobody speaks a single world. I doubt this. I’m sure a few people would be terrified into silence, but most people want to talk about it. Discuss strategies, try to figure out what happened. And so on and so forth.

Drinks: 41

Chapter Fourty-Nine – A Place Called Antonia Hill

So there’s no smell of fire and smoke on anyone, but I already knew that, because of the Bible story about the fiery furnace.

Maya and Joey can’t understand why the burning snowflakes don’t melt right away. Uh….magic? You just had sheets of fire come down all over you that didn’t so much as singe you and you’re wondering why magical burning snowflakes don’t obey the laws of physics?

…come to think of it, I don’t know why the flames didn’t burn everyone’s clothes off and melt their armor. Since their clothes and armor aren’t protected by the magical blood. Plot hole!

Maya and Joey lead a cheer for King Astrodoulos and then they lead everyone and bow down to honor General Genarius. Tesch throws in another ‘And so it was…’ and then Asabi, a woman who is with the army (I think she’s the wife of one of the men who tried to murder everyone in the swamps and then joined the army) comes forward and falls to her knees and spends about two pages talking about how wonderful Genarius is. There’s a few typos, but aside from that it’s thoroughly uninteresting.

Genarius thanks her and then says that the ten soldiers he let die through his incompetence as a commander deserve a proper burial. They’ll gather their ashes, make a ten-sided coffin (one side for each man) and bury it.

Genarius sends General Felipe and six fast riders back to Selinka to bring news of the victory.

When the ashes are buried Genarius makes a little speech about how he’s sorry the ten soldiers are dead but they made the choice to trust their own strength….ARGH THIS PISSES ME OFF!!! This really, really makes me mad. I’ve already ranted about this at length, but I’m going to do it a little more. So if you want, feel free to skip to the next paragraph.

Let’s say I’m a general. My army is squaring off against another army. One of my soldiers is kind of an idiot so he walks up to me and says that he’s going to charge across the plain by himself and attack the army. “Don’t worry,” he tells me, “I’m going to trust my own strength to save me.” I, of course, know that he’s going to be shot by the archers before he gets within fifty feet of the army. His death will be completely pointless. So, being the commanding officer, I recognize that he’s a moron and order him back into ranks, because I have the power to do so, along with the moral responsibility. Not doing this would make me a terrible commander, as well as a terrible person. In short, fuck General Genarius. And Gloria Tesch, for that matter.

Right. Rant over. They raise a mound over the grave and call it Antonia Hill for some reason. End chapter.

Drinks: 14

Comment [14]

Chapter Fifty – Ravens at City Hall

That doesn’t look like a raven.

We now join Felipe and his riders who have just appeared at Selinka:

The people’s excitement went up swiftly when General Felipe told them what happened at the foothills of the ‘Corner Stone Mountain Massive’.

The story spread like a thunderstorm over the whole city when they heard how the assembly of King Astrodoulos withstood the enemy and how they defeated Abbadon’s powers in this historic moment.

But when the people at the market place heard from the lips of General Felipe exactly how irritated and confused Abbadon was after his defeat (pages 368-369).

It’s pretty obvious that Tesch really doesn’t have a good grasp of the English language when she throws words like ‘but’ in there between two sentences that are saying the exact same thing. It’s even more obvious when she uses adjectives like ‘irritated’ to describe her main villain in a complete panic. And it’s really, really obvious that she has no idea how to write when she names a mountain range the ‘Corner Stone Mountain Massive’. Seriously.

Tesch throws in yet another ‘And so it was…’. I can just picture her coming up with this for the first time about halfway through the book. After patting herself on the back and giving her reflection in a nearby mirror a high-five, she resolved to use it at least once a chapter because it’s so epic, like Narnia.

Felipe sees some ravens flying around and realizes that they are spies of Abbadon listening in. So he orders his archers to shoot them. Wait, no. Instead he goes in to give a report to the senate. Okay, wait, I see what he’s doing here. Felipe is going to spread a little disinformation. He knows Abbadon is listening in, so he’ll tell the Senate some bullshit story to throw Abbadon off the trail. I have to hand it to Tesch – wait, what? Oh. Never mind. Yeah, Felipe just tells the truth.

General Felipe saw two ravens sitting in front of the windows when Senator Hilton said “Let us prepare a glorious reception for our Encouragers Maya and Joey and for our good General Genarius who led the assembly by the order of King Astrodoulos to the place of blood to be invincible and untouchable by the powers of darkness.” (page 370)

This isn’t the most blatant “As you know, Bob” of the book, but it’s in the top three. There is absolutely no reason for him to say something that everyone in the room already knows. Really, Tesch? You couldn’t think of a better way for the ravens to learn this information?

I would comment on the utterly astonishing stupidity of General Felipe to give a report to the Senate when he KNOWS that the enemy is listening in, but everyone in this book is so intensely stupid it’s really not that surprising anymore.

The ravens fly back to Abbadon with the news. Tesch also lets us know that AstroJesus sent some of his doves to Abbadon’s lair to spy on him. The doves are hiding next to Abbadon’s water park. I would make a joke about this, something about how the Powers of Evil practice their Teamwork at a water park, but it turns out that Abbadon built the water park to hold the mermaids he kidnapped, so I guess that’s suitably Evil.

Drinks: 13

Chapter Fifty-One – Honorary Citizens

They make it back to Selinka and there’s a feast awaiting them. Tesch lets us know that Maya and Joey were already celebrities but now they are…

the highest superstars in the ‘Land of Maradonia’ (page 374).

Wait, you’re saying that Maya is a Mary-Sue author insert? No way. It couldn’t be.

Genarius drops a few Ice Cream Koans and then disappears. Literally.

“That’s weird!” Maya said, “I have never seen something like this before. I could swear that General Genarius touched his helmet or his head and vanished just in front of us!” (page 375).

Joey immediately tells her that she’s silly and there’s no sign that Genarius has any magic, which basically means that yes, Genarius has magic. This is about the tenth time this has been used in this book. The siblings take it in turn being the person who says “Don’t be silly, that couldn’t possibly happen” right before they are astonished. It’s smacks of character inconsistency and poor writing, but come on, this is Tesch we’re talking about here.

Some carriages arrive to pick them up. Maya and Joey insist on bringing the fishermen from the Muraco swamp with them. Yeah, the people who tried to murder them are now their best friends for some reason. I’m guessing it’s because Tesch gave them names.

The carriages take them down up to in front of the entire assembly. All the elders bow down in front of them. Then Maya gives an impromptu speech. I’m dead serious. No preparation, no warning, nothing. In fact, she wasn’t even asked to speak. She just turns to face the crowd and launches into a speech that lasts for two and a half pages. It’s about nothing in particular, and of course it’s not all that well-written, but it stirs all of the officers up and gives them inspiration and hope and everyone gives her a standing ovation when she’s finished. Of course.

Senator Hilton announces that they’ve been made honorary citizens and gives them a wreath of flowers to wear. He then presents them with a ten-pound model of the City Hall made of gold. Joey accepts his and immediately wonders how much he could sell it for, which is both funny and further proof of his complete idiocy. Maya does tell him that he needs to think before he speaks, at least.

Everyone eats and then a summons arrives from AstroJesus, so Maya and Joey head off.

Chapter Fifty-Two – The Tarnkappe

They arrive at AstroJesus’ pad and Genarius is waiting for them. They head inside and sit down and eventually AstroJesus explains that his time is coming to an end, and he’s named Genarius as his successor. AstroJesus calls in his twelve servants to witness and explains that he is going to die soon and it is his command that Genarius will be the next king.

AstroJesus further explains that one of their own is going to betray them. Genarius blurts out that that is treason, which, sadly, isn’t even in the top twenty most obvious statements within this book. He then asks why someone will betray them.

“Genarius listen: ‘Power, Fame and the love for Money’ is the root of all evil. This is the reason for the treason and Abbadon plays hardball. He ‘promises the world’ until he can get somebody on his side and he pays any price to get what he wants. Let me explain this with a picture: ‘Abbadon steals money from ‘one person’ to give it to ‘another person’ when ‘this person’ is willing to follow him for that amount of money.’” (page 385).

I have no idea what the fuck that means. But I do want a t-shirt that says ‘Abbadon plays hardball’ on it.

AstroJesus sends everyone out but the three of them and says they need to support each other in everything they do, which is a terrible idea. Knowing these three idiots like I do, they need to be able to tell each other when they’re doing something stupid and not support moronic decisions.

Anyway, AstroJesus tells a boring story. The point is that King Roach gave him a gift of three tarnkappes which are white linen caps that turn you invisible. He has one, Genarius has one, and he decides to give the last one to Joey. Yes. Joey was just given an Invisibility Cloak.

Interestingly, tarnkappe is German for ‘magic cap’. No, I don’t know why people in Maradonia are using German words.

But…it’s MORE than just an invisibility cloak. You see, when Joey puts it on and then takes Maya by the hand, Maya becomes invisible as well. Also, it messes with gravity. So while wearing it, you can jump for a mile. Yes. They now have the ability to take a mile-long-jump. I don’t know for certain, but I guess it also gives them the ability to land without shattering both of their legs.

Drinks: 34

Chapter Fifty-Three – Report to King Apollyon

Abbadon is terrified when he gets back because of what his father will say. So he hides in a tower. Apollyon is not pleased and sends some servants to fetch him down. Eventually Abbadon shows up with all his underlings, and Apollyon greets him:

“When I look at you I wonder why you come to me with such sad faces. What is the reason for your depression? What happened to you? Tell me all about your last crusade. I cannot wait to hear about your success stories and your great victories against our enemies who think that they are better then us.”

Abbadon bowed his head and could not look directly into his father’s eyes. Neither did his team (page 396).

You’d think Apollyon would realize that sad faces, generally speaking, doesn’t equal a success story. I guess he’s not that sharp. Also, that’s ‘than’, not ‘then’. Also, yay, Abbadon has a team! I bet they have a team cheer too, and maybe a secret handshake.

Abbadon spends a couple pages explaining everything which of course the reader already knows so this should really be summed up as ‘Abbadon told his father everything’.

Apollyon says that this is very interesting and tells everyone to come back tomorrow after he’s had some time to think.

Drinks: 5

Chapter Fifty-Four – The Fall of the Mountain Gamma

Apollyon does some research but can’t find anything. Finally the ravens show up and tell him what they know about the pool of blood. Ahhhh…I think I’m starting to put things together now. Maybe Felipe is the traitor AstroJesus was referring to, and that’s why he didn’t do anything about the ravens.

Anyway, Apollyon whips out his books and starts searching. He then talks to himself for two solid pages. Eventually he puts everything together and realizes the general area where the pool of blood has to be and also figures out King AstroJesus’ one weak spot on his shoulder.

Hmmm. I’m wonder if he’s going to whack AstroJesus?

Drinks: 18

Comment [17]

Chapter Fifty-five – Queen Aquamarisha & Fayina

That is one of the most deformed unicorns I have ever seen. What happened to its back leg? Also, this picture doesn’t actually occur in this chapter.

Libertine and her fellow doves land on the pool that is holding the captured mermaids. Tesch notes that they are being held hostage, which makes me wonder if she knows what the word ‘hostage’ means. There hasn’t been any sign throughout this book that the merfolk are at war with Abbadon, or are even opposed to anything he’s doing. If they’re really being held hostage, it’s usually to try and influence the merfolk or to make demands.

Libertine flies down and lands on Aquamarisha’s shoulder and tells her everything that has happened to Maya and Joey….which doesn’t sound like information that you should really be giving to someone who is currently being held hostage by your mortal enemy. Aquamarisha is delighted and tells the rest of the mermaids who are similarly delighted. Libertine then explains that Maya and Joey have been given God-like Mary Sue powers and will probably be arriving to rescue them any day now. Which, again is information that probably shouldn’t be given to people – sorry, mermaids – that at any moment Abbadon might decide to torture for information. Anyway. Aquamarisha is….encouraged. Very encouraged:

“Libertine, you don’t know how encouraging your information is…for all of us. We have heard the good news and we all receive it. Yes, yes…Libertine, we receive this encouragement. We receive it because we can feel it in the tips of our fishtails that our days of captivity are numbered.” (page 408).

If you cut all of the completely useless sentences out of this book, and reformatted it with proper margins and font sizes….it would be about 20,000 words long.

Libertine asks where the unicorns are being held, which leads to a page of exposition. Some of the highlights:

“The unicorns are the greatest weakness of Apollyon. He loves them more then his own sons Abbadon and Plouton. The unicorns are his greatest possession. He even feeds them sometimes with his own hands.” (page 409)

So let me get this straight…Tesch’s Dark Lord has a Club of Evil, believes in the Power of Teamwork, and his greatest love is taking care of his pet unicorns? If Tesch was setting this up as some sort of subversion…that would actually be pretty cool. Also, it’s supposed to be ‘than’, not ‘then’.

Aquamarisha exposits that there’s a giant cave beneath the castle and that is where the unicorns are kept, for some reason. Inside there are caves that lead into the underworld and into the halls where Giants and Titans live. At day the unicorns are let out to graze in the meadows but they are always heavily guarded.

Aquamarisha then does an about face from her previous rambling on how she was receiving the encouragement from the doves:

“Help might be on the way, Libertine, but this help will never reach us. Let us face the facts; we are captives at this place along with our friends, the unicorns. Who can liberate us from this region of wickedness?” (page 410)

This is what an editor is for, Tesch. Finding areas where characters suddenly go from saying one thing to saying the complete opposite in the space of a page and a half. Hell, that’s what proofreading is for.

Aquamarisha explains that the new leader of the unicorns is called Fayina and if she sees anyone mistreating a unicorn, she gores them. Apollyon finds this hilarious and doesn’t put a stop to it, which I guess is suitably evil, even though it’s hard not to see Fayina’s side of it: if you mistreat a unicorn, you’re running a risk of getting gored to death.

Libertine asks what color Fayina’s fur is. Technically this isn’t incorrect usage of the word, it still sounds extremely wrong to the ear when referring to horses (or unicorns). Coat would be much better, or even hair. Aquamarisha says that Fayina is yellow and white with a red mane and tail, and has red dots on both cheeks. So…she looks like a clown. Okay then.

Tesch throws in ANOTHER And so it was… as Libertine flies around to find the unicorns. She eventually finds TWO THOUSAND unicorns in a valley. I think a herd that size would be pretty hard to miss. And it’s not really economically viable to keep a herd of two thousand unicorns as personal pets, but hey, what do I know?

Libertine finds Fayina and explains that they are being held captive. Fayina doesn’t believe this, and points out that they are perfectly free. Libertine convinces Fayina that she’s actually a captive by pointing out that the unicorns are completely surrounded by armed guards. Yeah…Fayina is an idiot. Libertine tells Fayina to act normally and she’ll get more info when the time comes. And the chapter, finally, mercifully, comes to an end.

Drinks: 31

Chapter Fifty-Six – General Council of the Titans

So, Apollyon is having a council and feast. Arabella, one of his spies, is waiting to meet with him, but the Hoodmen, who are apparently organizing things, won’t give her a chance to do so. Honestly, if I were Apollyon, the first thing I would do after disbanding the Club of Evil would be to tell everyone that my spies are able to talk to me at all times. After all, that’s why I have spies, to find information for me, right?

Anyway, this, of course, is the exact same chapter as the prologue. I’ve already gone over it in-depth, but I’m sure you (like me) have forgotten everything that happened that long ago, so briefly: some dwarfs teleport into the room, Apollyon comes in, introduces the spirits, Arabella is miffed because she’s ignored, Apollyon explains that Abbadon just got his ass kicked by Maya and Joey, he then explains about the special powers of the pool of blood, Remmilos is pissed off and says that maybe they need a change in leadership, so Apollyon fries him into a piece of toast. Then he says that he’ll tell them a secret (and this is where the prologue ended).

Looking back, I really have absolutely no idea why Tesch chose this scene as the prologue. Usually writers do it so you wonder what’s going on and start reading eagerly and once you finally get to that scene you’re like “Ah, now that makes sense, interesting!” Whereas here I’m like “Ah, I have no idea why Tesch chose that scene as the prologue, that was a stupid choice.”

Anyway, Apollyon has an explanation for what’s going on:

“Our own powers are the reasons why my son, Abbadon and his excellent army has lost the fight against the enemies…because we…the ‘Empire of the Underworld’…we have made the assembly of the enemy with our powers immune! Do you understand?” (page 426).

No. I really don’t. I have no idea what the fuck this means.

“Let me say it again…Our powers have made the assembly of the enemy immune…, immune against ourselves and against our jurisdiction!” (page 426).

I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

So Apollyon names Abbadon his heir and decides to give him some more powers. Apollyon’s other son, Plouton, is not pleased by this turn of events. Remmilos’ brothers notice this. Foreshadowing! Apollyon dubs Abbadon King of Terra Mili. I wasn’t aware you could just dub someone King, but hey, this is Maradonia. Apollyon gives Abbadon a magic sword that was apparently invented by Remmilos, who also invented the Key to the Underworld. I’m not certain if Tesch is saying that the sword is the Key to the Underworld, or Remmilos also invented the Key. That’s mostly just poor writing, though.

Apollyon moves on to talking about how they need to kill AstroJesus and his Achilles’ shoulder:

“…by transcendental meditation and concentration on this particular point, I could see some kind of vulnerability on his right shoulder… I don’t know exactly why, but I assume that an obstacle…maybe a leaf from a tree, fell on his shoulder before he dived into the ‘Pool of Blood’.” (page 429)

Apollyon tells everyone that after AstroJesus is dead they need to kill Genarius because he’s a genius as well. And finally someone gets up and asks if they can ask King Abbadon a question. Apollyon says yes. So the chap asks Abbadon exactly how they are going to get into the city and defeat the army.

Abbadon explains that the Titans have developed a new secret weapon that is called the ‘Schwarz Pulver’. Which, as moronic as that sounds, is basically German for ‘black powder’. So, gunpowder. And basically they’re going to pull a Saruman on Maradonia’s Helm’s Deep. Next:

“When we have found a person, who is willing to help us to overcome the system we will promise this person the ‘Triple P’, which means, as most of you know, ‘properties, powers and provisions’.” (page 432).

Right. After they’ve blown a hole in the wall, why don’t they just walk in and kill everyone? Apollyon explains that AstroJesus is friends with Livius, who is one of the four awesome creatures that serves Roach, and if they use their supernatural weapons against them, Livius will come in and stop them. BUT if they can convince someone to turn traitor and then kill everyone without using supernatural weapons, Livius…for some unknown reason…can’t interfere.

First, this is moronic, but whatever. Second: that time when Maya and Joey were getting barbecued, the creatures showed up to rescue them…except the bad guys weren’t using their magical powers then, they just basically tricked Maya and Joey into agreeing to let themselves to burned alive. And then of course later the bad guys used magical powers to fry the ten warriors who were too stupid to leave…and Roach’s minions didn’t show up then. So essentially this entire concept is moronic and only exists as a plot contrivance.

Everyone argues for a bit. Apollyon unrolls an ordinance survey map that is on a 1:100,000 map scale – yes, Tesch specifically points this out – and they start planning, which basically involves dividing the army into groups and attacking from different directions. Wow. That’s a brilliant plan.

Apollyon repeats his spiel about how they know there aren’t aliens. It’s the same spiel from earlier in the book. Literally. Word for word. Tesch just copy and pasted the paragraph. Then we get this:

Uranimos, one of the commanders of the air said, “These ships are only for us and for our own transportation because we are not omnipotent, omniscient or omnipresent, which means that we don’t have all the powers, we do not know everything and we cannot be at two places at the same time.” (page 436)

No shit, Sherlock? Listen, Tesch, if you’re using words big enough that the character who says them feels the need to throw in a As You Know, Bob immediately afterwards, that’s a pretty good sign that they shouldn’t be in your book in the first place.

Everyone argues for a little bit longer, and eventually Apollyon starts screaming at everyone to shut up and listen to him. They are all appropriately cowed and agree to his plan and give him a big cheer…and then this happens:

King Apollyon stood up from his seat and said, “We want to finish this great meeting with our ‘Mother Earth Song’.” (page 437).

Wait.

What?

Did he seriously just say they should sing a Mother Earth Song? Apollyon’s Club of Evil, that believes in teamwork and keeps unicorns as pets, has a Mother Earth Song? My mind is struggling to comprehend this. What is Tesch trying to say here? Has she even given this any thought at all? I cannot begin to fathom the thought process that would lead her to the conclusion that this was a good idea.

But they all start singing their favorite chorus. How do I know it’s their favorite chorus? Tesch tells us:

So all of them started to sing their favorite chorus:

Mother earth.., mother earth.., we bless you….we adore you…we give you thanks….you are our mother….you nurture us and you provide for us…. Mother earth.., mother earth.., we bless you…, we adore you…, and we give you thanks… (page 438).

This is going on the back of the increasingly crowded T-shirt. And yes…all of the periods and comma placements are exactly as depicted in the book.

They sing this chorus sixteen times. SIXTEEN FUCKING TIMES. Eventually Apollyon’s voice gives out and the meeting disperses. Tesch throws in another And so it was… and tells us that Libertine was there watching and she dispatches a message off to AstroJesus.

Drinks: 10,000.

Comment [23]

Chapter Fifty-Seven – The Journey to Duanes Gate

Maya and Joey get the report back from Libertine, so they head in to Genarius’ headquarter. Not headquarters. Headquarter. Although I think this a typo rather than Tesch not knowing what the word means. Normally this would make a slight difference, because it would mean that Tesch’s editor was incompetent, rather than Tesch being incompetent, but this was self-published and it’s pretty obvious that the only person who edited this was Gloria Tesch herself. And by ‘edit’ I mean ‘Oh, I bet this sentence would look better in italics and with some quotation marks around it’!

Genarius thinks that he has a plan to liberate the mermaids and the unicorns. His plan is…interesting. He wants Maya and Joey to take six unicorns and a couple captains, cross the river, and sneak along until they get to a place called Duanes Gate. Then they’re going to put on their Invisibility Cloak – sorry, ‘Tarnkappe’ – and

“move in ‘Mile Steppes’ uphill to the ‘Mountain Peak Glacier Castle’.” (page 441).

Yeah. The mile-long jumps have been named ‘Mile Steppes’. Randomly. None of the characters told Joey that it was called that. He just gave it that moronic name and decided to capitalize it. I’m guessing that Tesch doesn’t know that a steppe is a plain.

Genarius continues and says that Maya and Joey should sneak inside the secret door and take the mermaids through the door into the cave where the unicorns are kept. How they will move the mermaids I’m not sure, because they’ll kind’ve be like a fish out of water. Pun intended. Then, they should load the mermaids onto the backs of the unicorns – how they will stay on, I don’t know – and then have the unicorns gallop downhill and use their horns as weapons.

“The guards will flee because they are too afraid to kill a single unicorn because of the punishment from Apollyon” (page 442).

I think Apollyon will be slightly more pissed off if the guards let ALL the unicorns escape than if they killed a few but kept the rest under control. Might just be me though.

Anyway, once they arrive back at Duanes Gate they’ll meet up with the captains and head back to the lagoon.

“It sounds pretty easy but Apollyon is always alert and his agents are very intelligent.” (page 443).

It sounds like a fucking suicide mission. You’re going to send a couple of the dumbest kids the literary world has ever seen into the lair of the big baddie? Aren’t these idiots supposed to be your saviors, the Chosen Ones, who will defeat Voldemort, bring balance to the Force, end the hundred-year winter, and cast the Ring into the fires of Mt. Doom? And you’re sending them on a mission to rescue a bunch of mermaids and unicorns… why, precisely? I mean, they aren’t even that vital to the cause. It’s not like the mermaids have some sort of vital information that will prove crucial to defeating Apollyon, or if they do, Tesch certainly hasn’t revealed it.

Despite the fact that they have unGodly Sue-like powers, Maya and Joey are essentially worthless in any kind of fight, despite Joey’s ability to wield a kitchen knife like a lightsaber. Yes, they’ll be invisible, and yes, they’ll be able to take a leap that lasts a mile. But they still are thoroughly incompetent and naïve nincompoops. The only possible way they could succeed at this is if the Bad Guys are even more incompetent than they are.

Yeah, they’re going to succeed.

Joey says that AstroJesus said their Tarnkappes will hide them from human eyes, but will it also hide they from the powers of darkness?

“No, they cannot see you either but they can sense your presence and you have to hide ‘even invisible’ behind stones or any massive obstacle because then they cannot sense you any more.” (page 443)

File this one under ‘obvious foreshadowing’. Although it doesn’t make any sense. If you can sense someone’s presence it doesn’t necessarily mean that if they step behind a rock you won’t be able to sense them any more.

Genarius calls in the captains and explains the mission. The captains think the idea is moronic and dangerous but agree to go along with it anyway because they trust the General. The captain do all the hard work, like feeding the unicorns, packing the equipment, and organizing all the supplies for themselves and everyone else who might be helping. While they take care of all the real work, Maya and Joey…reorganize their backpacks. I’m not exaggerating at all.

Eventually they take off. They don’t tell AstroJesus what they’re doing or where they’re going. Why? I don’t know. As they journey, they chat with Captain Armstrong and he talks about his family and Maya once again mentions her parents and her little brother Benji. Oh look, Tesch remembered them again!

“I tell you the truth.” Captain Armstrong replied, ‘I realize and I know what you have done in the past for our country and I admire you and everything what you have done for our land but this…this is lunacy! This is absolute lunacy!” (page 446)

Lunacy? THIS…IS…MARADONIA!!!!!!

[Note: to the creative types, I’d love a .gif of that]

Captain Armstrong launches into a page and a half speech about nothing in particular. Eventually he tells them that he loves them and wants them to visit his hometown, where

even the fish jump out of the water direct into your fishing nets (page 447)

Suicidal fish? Pass.

“Please….come with me and live…. instead of continuing this mission of certain disasters which can only end in a ‘suicide or kamikaze mission’ (page 448).

I’m adding kamikaze to my list of words that I am going to email to Tesch with a link to dictionary.com.

Joey speaks up then and points out that they’re not on a mercy mission. Yeah, they want to free the mermaids and unicorns, but the main goal is to teach Apollyon a lesson. That despite all of his powers, a couple of teenagers were able to waltz into his stronghold and steal his post prized possessions. And I have to hand it to Tesch. That would actually deal Apollyon a crippling psychological blow and probably provide a rallying point for the people of Maradonia. In fact, the only possible way that it could go wrong is if they’re caught as they are sneaking in and are flayed alive in front of a large audience and then their corpses are displayed for all to see. And the loss of their Chosen Ones crushes the spirit of the free people of Maradonia and Apollyon destroys the last of the resistance and establishes his new regime of Pure Evil.

Captain Goran pipes up and says that he agrees, so Maya is forced to intervene and share her wisdom at dealing with the fears of the troops:

“We thank you for your honest concern but ‘please… shut up’ and bring us to ‘Duanes Gate’.” (page 450)

Things get quiet. Go figure. Eventually they arrive at a little camp and stop for a quick rest. Maya and Joey get together and decide that they should go forward by themselves. For some reason. Even though they aren’t at Duanes Gate. No. It’s not explained.

Maya asks Armstrong – sorry, I can’t get over this guy’s name. Armstrong? Really? You have Genarius, Goran, and… Armstrong? Seriously?

Anyway. Maya asks Armstrong about where Duanes Gate is and he spends a page explaining in detail how to get there. A few minutes later Joey spots seven black specks flying in the sky. He pulls Maya behind a rock and says that this is a sign that they need to leave on their own.

“We know the way now and as usual… we depend on ourselves.” (page 453).

HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Except for all the times you have deliberately sat there and depended on supernatural powers to come and bail you out, right?

Anyway. Joey puts on his Tarnkappe and grabs Maya’s hand and they both disappear.

Drinks: 59

Chapter Fifty-Eight – Invisible

Maya and Joey start leaping along over entire fields. So Joey wearing the Tarnkappe gives Maya the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound too, huh?

Tesch describes the scenery and it sounds like a wilderness paradise. In a short period of time the see deer, boar, foxes, rabbits, and several other unknown animals, along with bears and a wolf/panther hybrid. They stop to pet the bear cubs because they’re invisible, so why not? I think that even if they’re invisible, these animals would be able to…smell them? Hear them coming? A lot of animals don’t have great eyesight. They make up for it with their other senses.

We skip over to a couple of Apollyon’s ravens talking about how they sense something unusual, and we learn that one of the ravens is named Big Bertha. Wait. Sorry. ‘Big Bertha’. Yeah. Not making that up.

Anyway, they keep walking for awhile and eventually arrive at the land of Terra Mili.

Cool, maybe something’s about to happen!

Drinks: 16

Comment [25]

Chapter Fifty-Nine – Big Bertha On Patrol

Stop, if you will, and read through that chapter title again. It’s okay, I’ll wait.

Captains Armstrong and Goran look around waiting for Maya and Joey to show up, but of course they’re gone. Armstrong speculates that maybe they went to fetch some water. Leaving the buckets behind. Needless to say this is ridiculous, because Maya and Joey are the Heroes and they can’t do any normal, ordinary work. That’s reserved for the Red Shirts.

Armstrong takes off looking for them while everyone else remains behind. Four ravens show up and inspect the camp and then talk about what’s going on. All of the ravens are pretty relaxed except for Bertha, whose raven-sense is ticking madly. They discuss what a couple of men are doing with a few horses and a group of unicorns and all of the ravens except Bertha conclude that it isn’t really suspicious, which cements their stupidity in my mind. I think a group with those numbers embodies the word ‘suspicious’. Seriously, Apollyon’s minions are utterly retarded.

None of the ravens want to fly patrol with Bertha because of her ‘feelings’ – since she actually finds this group of travelers a bit suspicious. So the rest of the ravens take off and leave Bertha to fly her patrol alone.

We cut back to Captain Armstrong, who returns to camp empty-handed. Goran asks him if he found any signs.

Captain Armstrong shook his head and said, “I don’t understand this. I found nothing! I looked everywhere! I looked for broken branches. I searched the ground for footsteps. I even pricked my sword deep into the ground to listen to any sound but I heard nothing!” (page 462).

Wait, what? You pricked your sword deep into the ground? What good will that do? I guess Tesch thinks that you can press your ear against the sword and it will somehow act as a conduit that will allow you hear footsteps, but I’m pretty sure that will actually make it more difficult to hear than just putting your ear against the ground. Or maybe they have magic swords that you poke into the ground and then the sword tells you if anyone has walked on that ground recently.

Also, that’s ‘footprints’, not ‘footsteps’.

Armstrong realizes that they asked about Duanes Gate and are probably heading there now:

“I don’t believe that Maya and Joey would have gone alone and without us to ‘Duane Gate’. Basically they are teenagers and teenagers overestimate their own strength and power. Who knows what’s going on! Maybe they are already dead because they tripped on one of these rock walls and fell off a cliff.” (page 463)

That actually sounds exactly like something Maya and Joey would do. And that’s ‘Duanes Gate’, Tesch.

The captains don’t want to just give up, so Armstrong says he’ll ride back to his village and fetch some men and provisions which will enable them to do a proper search.

“That’s a considerable thought,” said Captain Goran (page 463).

I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

We go back to Maya and Joey. They leap along until they reach the snow line and it gets a little slippery. But they keep going, with the knowledge that they’re leaving footprints. And who should find those footprints but Bertha…but by then a snowstorm is just kicking up and Bertha realizes that by the time she finds the others the footprints will be covered and nobody will believe her. So she does nothing.

Eventually they arrive at the castle. It’s enormous. Four or five miles across. A hundred and twenty towers. It sounds like it would be really hard to sustain a castle that size and everyone who lives in it when you have to transport everything up a fucking mountain.

Behind the castle, they find an airfield:

“Whoa…Aliens…and their giant air ships! They look like the flying saucers which we have seen on pictures in our world!” Joey said dazzled (page 467).

There aren’t actually aliens there, Joey is just randomly saying that.

They talk about the airships for awhile and Joey thinks they’re totally awesome and wants to go check them out and actually starts running towards them before Maya grabs him and reminds him that they’re standing outside the stronghold of The Desolate One, the Dark Lord of the Sith, Ruler of all Evil, a mass-murdering megalomaniac who will have them flayed alive if he ever gets his hands on them. A fact that actually has a way of gripping your mind, unless you’re a moron like Joey.

They wait next to the wall for awhile and eventually Bertha the raven shows up and knocks a password on the door and it opens up and they slip in after her because of course they’re invisible. Wow. That’s awfully lucky, picking the one door out of dozens that it just so happens the spies of Apollyon use frequently.

Bertha exposits to the Hoodman who opened the door that she thinks she’s having hallucinations because she senses someone else in the room. The Hoodman assures her that she just needs rest and they take off.

Drinks: 29

Chapter Sixty – Water Park in the Center of Darkness

One of them wishes that there was a something like a mall directory to show them around. Awww. Poor little naïve kids.

They wander through the castle for awhile and eventually they happen upon a group of odd creatures who are taking about a relaxing trip to the water park. Convenient, that. So they follow them. One of them mentions having a weird feeling that they’re being followed, and another one concurs, but a third tells them they just need to relax. Maybe I’ve just read enough literature, but if I lived in a world where magic existed and there were people who wanted to kill me, if I had weird feelings like I was being followed I would immediately fire up my trusty flamethrower.

Tesch does a really poor job of describing this next part, so I’m not exactly sure what it looks like, but I think it’s a large open room with a water park in the middle that is covered by an enormous dome. I’m not certain if it’s open-air or not. Anyway, it’s full of creatures that look funny so Joey immediately calls it a freak show. Little racist bastard.

They sneak in to the water park and find an area that is thick with vegetation. Joey lets go of Maya’s hand so she is visible and she sits down to rest, while Joey slips off to look around. When he returns he finds Libertine sitting on Maya’s hand. Libertine rambles for a bit and heads off to find Queen Aquamarisha. They meet up behind the waterfall and Aquamarisha hugs Maya and they spend a couple pages talking about nothing. Maya explains that they have to find the secret entrance to the underworld and rescue the unicorns. Aquamarisha interrupts her to angst about not believing that they would ever be rescued.

“Queen Aquamarisha, dreams are the touch stones of our character.” (page 477)

I have no idea what the fuck that means.

There’s a moment where a guard sees something funny so Joey grabs them and they turn invisible and the guard wanders off. Aquamarisha explains that the giant stone waterfall is actually hollow and is therefore a perfect hiding spot. Convenient! Then she tells the mermaids to start chatting up the guards to gather intel. The mermaids do so, undoubtedly helped by their seashell pasties. Of course, if I was one of the mermaids I would have already been doing so for months so I would have an entire escape plan worked out just in case the opportunity arose, but that’s just me.

One of the mermaids chats with the guards and pretends to be insulted by the fact that Apollyon sometimes walks by without looking at them. It’s actually a pretty well-written scene. But the guard reveals that he’s pretty sure Apollyon is actually going in a special door to visit the unicorns. Unfortunately, Tesch loses all the goodwill she’s build up with this next scene:

The mermaid who spoke with the guards was a talker. Her name was ‘Marabou’ and when she started talking with somebody it was nearly impossible to stop her. She was suffering under the ‘diarrhea of words’ (page 482).

Worst. Metaphor. Ever. Seriously. What the fuck was Tesch thinking?

This is like reading My Immortal except instead of being a brilliantly written trollfic, it’s actually serious.

Anyway. Marabou – it’s never a good thing when your name rhymes with Caribou – tells Aquamarisha and they decide that they’re going to carefully watch the next time Apollyon strolls by to see what’s happening. Yeah…apparently the secret door to the underworld is practically visible from the popular waterpark where the mermaids are being kept. Sounds like a moronic design choice, personally. And something else…oh, right. Convenient.

Drinks: 18

Chapter Sixty-One – The Key to the Underworld

Later, they’re all waiting when Apollyon comes by. Maya and Joey are standing on top of the rock formation waterfall, invisible, which gives them a good angle to see what’s going on. Apollyon stops at something called the ‘eternal flame’. which seems to be a levitating chunk of magical fire. He warms his hands for a bit, and then suddenly his hand flashes out into the fire. Only Joey is Speshul enough to see what he did. Then he wanders off. Tesch notes that Apollyon also feels a little weird, like something is not quite right, but of course he brushes the feelings off. He walks over to a door and pulls a purple glowstick out of his sleeve and knocks on a door which opens up. Behind this door is another door. Apollyon knocks on it three times and it opens and he goes inside.

They all wait and watch and eventually Apollyon comes back out.

He went straight to the fireplace of the eternal flame and then again…. with lighting speed he dropped something into the ring of eternal fire. He spoke some kind of ‘swing words’, warmed his hands and vanished in the opposite direction (page 488).

No, I don’t know what swing words are.

Joey discusses things with Libertine. Joey wants to attempt the rescue that night but Libertine warns him to be careful and that they need to wait until the right time. Libertine suggests that he personally go, explore the path, and try to make contact with Fayina, so they’ll be ready to go when the time comes. Joey has a hilarious sarcastic response to this:

“Libertine, you are a great executive, because ‘good executives never put off until tomorrow what they can get someone else to do today’.” (page 489).

Although it would be a lot funnier if Libertine was actually capable of doing it herself.

Joey heads over to the eternal flame, psyches himself up, and reaches in and grabs the ‘glowing tool’, which burns the hair off his arm. It basically looks like a miniature purple lightsaber. And the Tarnkappe has no effect on it, so there’s a miniature lightsaber hovering in midair. Luckily, nobody sees it. Joey walks over to the door, taps on it, and heads inside.

Drinks: 20

Comment [21]

Chapter Sixty-Two – Only One Drop…

Joey checks to make sure he can open the door from the inside as well, which he can.

It was a strange feeling for the fourteen year old Joey to hold the ‘Key to the Underworld’ in his hands.

“What a feeling”, he thought. “I carry the key of the underworld in my own hands and I have a Tarnkappe on my head.” (pages 492-493).

This isn’t the first time Tesch has repeated herself in consecutive paragraphs and it won’t be the last. Much has been made of the atrocious formatting and enormous font this brick has, and it’s true that it would be a lot shorter if properly done, but honestly, a good editor would actually accomplish a lot more by trimming down the repetitiveness.

In the center of the floor is a metal circle that looks like a flying circle, but the room has no other exit, and the circle doesn’t have a handle or anything. So Joey points the Deus ex Machina – I mean, the key at it, and the lid levitates straight up in the air.

Joey looked at the ultra violet glowing stick and then again to the hovering lid. “These powers, principalities and rulers have some equipment here which we don’t even have in our world!” (page 493)

I need to write Tesch a letter telling her to read her dialogue out loud, and if it sounds moronic, to delete it and try again.

This opens up a spiral staircase. Joey uses the Deus ex Machina as a flashlight and heads downstairs. There are exactly six hundred and sixty-six steps, which is Tesch’s way of being Subtle.

At the bottom is an enormous cave with a horrible stench, the smell of sulfur and burnt rubber, drums, and screams of people in agony. Five of the doors are quiet, one of them smells like animals, and one is where the screams are coming from. Joey decides to investigate. The Deus ex Machina also opens these doors. He heads inside and is only stopped when it gets too hot to continue.

Thousands of people were standing up to their shoulders in a lake of a burning substance. It smelled like cooking oil and the screaming of these people in the lake was insufferable.

Several people in the lake detected a moving shadow in the ultra violet light of the glowing key and screamed “Only one drop…! Only one drop of water for me! Please! Please! Dip your finger into the water and give me the drop of water which hangs on your finger tip and cool my tongue!” (page 496)

This lake of fire, of course, is Hell. And the drop of water part is taken directly from the Bible, in a parable Jesus tells in Luke 16:22-24. I can picture Tesch sitting in front of her computer with her Bible sitting next to her high-fiving one of the many self-portraits she has of herself standing in front of famous monuments, tickled pink by her elite writing skills. A thought bubble above her head says…

And my prose is a cross between Guy Gavriel Kay at his best and the Word of God!

Right. So the guy keeps screaming and begging for a drop of water for about a page. This moves Joey so much that he starts weeping bitterly. But it’s so hot that he can’t continue, so after a couple minutes he turns and leaves everyone to their flaming fate.

Joey was emotionally deeply confused (page 497).

See? Character development!

He heads into the stables but he has to wrap up the Deus ex Machina because it’s too bright. Inside there are guards sleeping and an enormous herd of unicorns. Tesch spends another paragraph about how the memory of the screaming people in the lake of cooking oil is effecting Joey. It’s slightly better-written than the previous scene, but she still doesn’t bother delving into any of the emotions involved.

Eventually he finds a fancy corral with a sign that announces it’s Fayina. Joey keeps walking around and finds the cave door which is blocked by an enormous granite door.

This granite door was at least one hundred feet in periphery and boundary (page 500).

I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

Joey goes back to Fayina and whispers in her ear which makes Fayina jump. This instantly wakes up four guards who are sleeping in the general vicinity. They run over and look around for vermin without success.

“These horses are all crazy! Let’s go back and get some sleep.” One of the keepers said.

“How many times do I have to tell you that these animals are not horses they are unicorns! Don’t you understand? They have single horns like spears.” (page 500)

Seriously, Tesch? Do you honestly think your audience doesn’t get the fact that these are fucking unicorns? Or do you seriously think that under the circumstances, a grown man in Apollyon’s army would not be able to grasp the difference between a horse and a unicorn? This is not rocket science.

Eventually the guards go back to sleep and Joey explains to Fayina who he is and why he’s there. Joey explains that the next morning Apollyon and all his commanders are taking off for the high plateau of death to inspect their troops. Anyway, Fayina needs to prepare the herd and pick thirteen unicorns to carry the mermaids. He also asks her how they’ll get through the huge round granite door. Fayina explains that it’s perfectly balanced so all you need to do is knock away a wooden block and it will roll smoothly to the side. One of the unicorns, Bronco, is strong enough to handle it.

Joey takes off and walks out past the door with the screaming people behind it:

“It is basically unbelievable that I had a glimpse of this legendary lake of fire! Thousands of people are screaming in their inner most pain for eternities from the top of their lungs for a single drop of water and I have the opportunity right now to step out of this place, go to the water park, drink all the water I can drink and take a shower under the waterfall.” (page 504).

First – again with the repetitiveness.

Second – Joey’s initial thought after seeing all these people in agony is not to try and figure out how to save them, or what he could do to ease their suffering, or even wonder how they could have gotten into such a horrible situation – it’s to privately congratulation himself on having water to drink. What a little sociopathic bastard. He is truly incapable of feeling empathy.

Joey climbs up the 666 steps, closes the lid, gets out, sticks the Deus ex Machina back into the fire, and goes back to where Maya is sleeping.

Drinks: 30

Chapter Sixty-Three – The Hour of Liberation

Is it just me or are they gazing longingly into each others’ eyes? And I really don’t think a fourteen-year-old boy is strong enough to carry a full-grown mermaid around.

Joey tells Libertine and Aquamarisha everything, then lays down next to Maya and falls asleep. Tesch throws in a ‘and so it was’ and tells us that Apollyon takes off with pretty much everyone, leaving behind only some palace guards, the Hoodmen, and the lower servants. Essentially, perfect conditions for anyone planning a breakout. Pretty convenient that the time they chose to break in perfectly coincided with Apollyon emptying out his entire fortress, wasn’t it?

Big Bertha stays behind because she’s having Feelings that their enemies are still inside the castle and watching them. The other ravens give her shit and then take off. Bertha is miffed:

“Nobody believes me. Why should I tell them that I saw footprints in the snow and that I have a strong feeling that the enemy is watching us in our own four walls in the kingdom hall and in the cloister?” (page 509)

Hmm. Why should you tell someone? Oh, right, because if you don’t whoever it is might do something to harm your sworn master, or possibly even kill you. Good enough reason?

The day passes quietly. The mermaids frolic to keep the guards relaxed, and Maya and Joey stay hidden. Bertha flies around and thinks paranoid thoughts but eventually convinces herself it’s all in her head.

Eventually the time comes. Joey pulls the severed snake head out of his backpack and sets it down next to the fireplace, reaches in and grabs the Deus ex Machina. He opens the door and heads back to help Aquamarisha and all the mermaids from the pool over to the door. He notices that they’re leaving quite the trail of water behind him but that can’t be helped, so he closes the door behind them.

Maya and Joey had to calm them down, especially Marabou who was talking like a waterfall and could not stop. Maya became angry with her and said, “Marabou, stop talking you have the ‘diarrhea of words’. You have to listen very carefully to us because this is a difficult mission and not an entertainment trip.”

“How exciting!” Marabou said but she didn’t stop talking.

Queen Aquamarisha had to hit her finally with the flat hand on her cheek. Joey laughed and said, “Bitch slap!” (pages 512-513)

I’m just going to let that one stand on its own merits, shall I?

Joey opens the door, revealing the staircase. He explains to the mermaids that they’ll slide down on the railing. Now, I’m pretty certain this wouldn’t work very well. Even if the mermaids could curve their tails so it would be like a human sitting sideways on a railing, we’re still talking about slippery fish scales and mermaids who aren’t used to balancing on things. Naturally, it works perfectly, except with Marabou who bitches all the way down and at the end falls off and injures her arm.

They pass by the door that leads to Hell and the mermaids are intrigued. Joey explains what is down there and Aquamarisha wants to see it. Joey tries to talk her out of it by saying that it’s a horrible sight and will scar their minds. Personally, I would have used the foolproof argument that they’re in the middle of a dangerous escape mission, not a sightseeing expedition. You know, what you just got through explaining to Marabou? Naturally, Joey relents and they head down the hall until the heat gets too intense. The mermaids then freak out because the heat dries out their tails and their scales start falling off and they begin screaming in pain. Dumbasses.

They lead the mermaids inside to where the unicorns are being kept. Conveniently, there are a couple of pools down there. The mermaids jump in to sooth their burns. Fortunately, none of this noise wakes up the guards, even though four of them instantly woke up when one of the unicorns jumped the night before.

Maya and Joey sneak up to Fayina and briefly run over the game plan, which takes up two pages. Eventually they get back to the mermaids and Marabou keeps prattling on about how much fun all this. Maya and Joey are not pleased:

“This escape from the kingdom of darkness is not a sightseeing tour. It is bitter serious and it is a matter of life and death.”

“Life and death? Come on…hey…your kidding right?” (page 522)

They seriously need to just put her out of her misery. And no, I don’t know what bitter serious means. And no, Tesch doesn’t know the difference between your and you’re.

Drinks: 21

Comment [22]

Chapter Sixty-Four – Water Puddles

We join Big Bertha, who is unable to sleep because she’s still thinking about the footprints in the snow. She tries her best to talk herself out of it but eventually decides to fly around to take her mind off things. She does so and eventually flies back in to the castle and flies over the water park. Unsurprisingly, she notices that all of the mermaids are gone. Bertha is delighted.

“I was all the time right! We had intruders in this palace… Ha-ha ha- ha- ha- hallucinations? I had the hunch… the intuition… the instinct… the clue!” (page 525).

I wonder what the world that Gloria Tesch writes in must be like. Apparently, sentences like ‘I was all the time right’ make sense, and yes, all of those spaces between the ‘has’ are correct. She put in hyphens but then an extra space after the hyphen. Why? I don’t know.

Bertha spends a solid page congratulating herself instead of, I dunno, raising the alarm? Eventually she starts wondering how they escaped and flies around looking for clues. She quickly finds a trail of water leading directly to the locked door that only Apollyon has the key to.

Finally she does raise the alarm, but the park keepers don’t believe her and tell her to stop bothering them. They even throw some things at her, but she persists. Eventually one of them gets up to show her where the mermaids sleep at night so she’ll shut up and leave them alone. Of course, he then realizes that they’re all gone.

The park keeper ran back to his quarters and yelled, “The mermaids have escaped! The mermaids… have…!” he grabbed at his heart with his right hand and fell flat over to the ground and he breathed his last.

The park keeper had died by a heart attack because he feared Apollyon’s punishment (page 528).

I don’t know why, but this just amuses me to no end.

So everyone gets up and there’s a big hullabaloo and they cannot get through the door, of course, so after a very brief discussion they decide that even if the mermaids managed to escape the water park, they’ll never be able to escape the castle itself. So they decided to go back to bed and worry about finding them the next day [!!!].

Are you fucking kidding me? You expect us to believe that they are so terrified of the wrath of Abaddon that someone keeled over and died of a fucking heart attack and yet after this, everyone just decides to go back to bed and worry about capturing them in the morning? The lack of respect that Gloria Tesch has for her readers astonishes me.

Drinks: 25,000

Chapter Sixty-Five – The Escape From the Cave

This chapter begins on a funny note:

It was still quiet in the cave of the unicorns until one of the cave keepers woke up for a drink of water.

Still drowsy from sleeping he swayed and staggered to the water place and tried to drink from the water but when he started to scoop some water with his hands he saw the head of a mermaid under the surface of the water.

He screamed “There is a dead woman in the water container!” (pages 530-531).

With a fish tail, of course.

At that moment Mighty Bronco, the strongest unicorn, pushes the “brake log” that holds up the “granite stone” door out of the way. I’d like to pause for a moment, not to emphasize the stupidity of phrases like ‘brake log’ or ‘granite stone’, but Bronco.

From dictionary.com:

–noun, plural -cos. a range pony or mustang of the western U.S., esp. one that is not broken or is imperfectly broken.

Origin: 1865–70, Americanism ; < MexSp, short for Sp potro bronco untamed colt (in MexSp: wild horse, half-tamed horse); bronco, appar. nasalized var. of L broccus;

It seems obvious to me, at least, that the use of this word as a name for a unicorn who lives in Narnia is moronic. Your mileage may vary, though. It’s clear that Tesch’s does.

So the mermaids, with Maya and Joey’s help, leap up out of this shallow pool and manage to land safely on the backs of the unicorns. I’m really not certain how easy they’re going to find it to stay aboard. It’s tricky enough riding bareback as a human when you have legs that you can use to grip the horse’s sides. Here, they have a slippery fish-tail that will be hanging off one side of the unicorn and absolutely no experience in riding horseback. There is no possible way that this will work.

It works perfectly.

The unicorns charge out of the door and gallop off. Fayina stays behind to make sure they all escape. After all the unicorns have left she suddenly realizes that there’s a little baby unicorn has accidentally been left behind. And the guards are rapidly approaching. She only has a minute or two to decide what to do. So, guess what she does. Seriously. Guess.

Give up? Okay. And I swear I’m not making this up:

Fayina turned to the frightened baby unicorn, knelt down with her front legs and bowed her head all the way to the ground so that she could pick up the baby with her long horn. Then she turned around and laid the baby unicorn softly over her back (page 533).

HAHAHHAAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHH.

This is sheer unadulterated brilliance. So she kneels down and slides her horn carefully under the baby unicorn, choosing the precise spot where the baby unicorn will be perfectly balanced on her horn and won’t slide off either side. She then picks the unicorn up and turns her neck around – if you’ve spent any time with horses, you know this is flatly impossible, their necks aren’t that flexible – so she dislocates her neck and cranks her head around about 180 degrees and carefully balances the baby unicorn on her back – and then she gallops off, with the baby unicorn staying on her back…how? I have no idea. It’s not like they have opposable thumbs or anything. I didn’t think I’d ever be saying this, but I think I have found something with less knowledge of basic horse anatomy than Sylvia Scott Gibson. Next thing you know these unicorns will be rolling joints and learning about why it’s dangerous to play drinking games.

Drinks: 50,000

Chapter Sixty-Six – A Muddy Grave

Arabella, the snake (one of Apollyon’s spies) is meandering along filled with angst. She’s pissed because nobody wants her advice. Anyway, she’s going through this grassy valley and the ground starts vibrating. She starts to freak out a bit. The vibrations get worse. Finally she realizes that an entire herd of unicorns is charging towards her. So she does what anyone would do with death approaching: She launches into a soliloquy.

“Oh no! Please stop! I am Arabella… I am famous for my wisdom and knowledge! You must honor me! Stay away from me! Oh no… that looks like trouble. I was always good and I don’t like trouble. Who can help me? I always thought… people would… ouch… oh no… respect me… but I think… I was… wrong.” (page 536)

Words fail me.

Anyway. She dies. A fitting end for a thoroughly useless character.

Drinks: 6

Chapter Sixty-Seven – Chaos in the Palace

Everyone is freaking out. The guards from down below came up and told everyone that the mermaids and unicorns have escaped and are heading towards the plateau of death. Everyone talks about what they should do and how all this was accomplished. Bertha cackles a bit about all the feelings that she’d had and everyone ignored. Honestly, I’m not sure why she feels so great. When Apollyon finds out that one of his spies knew all of this for weeks in advance and didn’t do anything about it, her fate is going to make Hell seem like a mercy.

Everyone argues for a bit about who is going to deliver the bad news to Apollyon, and finally they elect Bertha. She argues for a bit until the Hoodmen break out the big guns:

“Bertha, if you do not leave very shortly and bring this message to King Apollyon we will pierce you! We will perforate you and we will riddle you with arrows.” (page 541)

I think just ‘We will shoot you’ will work fine, Tesch.

Finally Bertha agrees to go, after warning them to not touch the snake-head that Joey left by where Apollyon kept the key to the underworld.

Drinks: 7

Chapter Sixty-Eight – Wolves Blood

That doesn’t look like a wolf. Maybe a rabid raccoon?

The unicorns travel along. Maya and Joey leap from unicorn to unicorn, readjusting the mermaids on the backs of the unicorn. In mid-gallop. In the middle of a stampede. I know that this Tarnkappe gives them ridiculous Suelike powers, but seriously? This is ridiculous. You have an enormous herd of hundreds and hundreds of unicorns galloping along at full tilt. Maya and Joey have to hold hands. So what, they leap forward, land on the ground in the middle of a stampede, adjust a mermaid, then instantly leap again to avoid being trampled by the unicorns behind them? This Tarnkappe gives them the power of invisibility and they can take jumps a mile long. They don’t have reflexes that border on precognition, and they’re not in the Matrix. What are they supposed to be, fucking ninjas?

The baby unicorn riding on Fayina’s back is doing better and reunites with his mother. And they all journey along and it’s very exciting.

We cut back to Captain Goran who is waiting at the ‘Hunters Game Camp’ with the group of six unicorns.

It was very difficult for him to wait alone at this place surrounded by several hungry packs of wolves and several bear families with cubs (page 544).

Wolves are territorial, packs do not intrude onto the land of other packs. A mother bear with a couple young cubs would not sit around at the perimeter of a group of unicorns waiting for an opportunity to present itself. She’d either attack or leave.

This night, things aren’t going well. Goran arms himself with a spear and has the unicorns stand it a circle with their horns facing out. The wolves attack. Goran and the unicorns kill a bunch of them. Things aren’t looking grim, and they look even less grim when Captain Armstrong shows up with a bunch of archers and they mow the wolves down. Well, that was an anticlimactic end to a boring fight scene.

The captains talk and decide that Maya and Joey must be dead. They angst about this for two solid pages. Goran cries for a bit. No joking. Then Captain Armstrong cries for a bit.

They’re setting a wonderful example for their troops.

Drinks: 15

Comment [24]

Chapter Sixty-Nine – Follow the Tracks

Big Bertha flies around looking for clues. At first she doesn’t find anything, which is odd, considering the underground tunnels only lead out to one location and that location would be trampled by 1,000 stampeding unicorns. But what do I know? Eventually she finds the tracks and realizes they’re heading along a path that will take them towards King Apollyon. Naturally, she thinks this is odd. She tries to decide whether to follow the tracks or fly to King Apollyon with a report. Bertha decides to follow the tracks because she’s afraid of what Apollyon will say when she gets to him. She does so, and realizes that they’re all planning on crossing a mountain pass and traveling into the land of Maradonia. Holy shit! Apparently nobody ever realized there was an entire pass available between the countries that is easily crossed by a herd of unicorns.

Bertha launches into a monologue where she talks to herself for a page and a half. It’s one of the most boring monologues in the history of monologues and it reveals absolutely nothing of value about the story. In the end, Bertha decides to follow the trail of the unicorns for a little while longer.

Cut over to the unicorns. Joey has Fayina slow everyone down – because it’s really easy to slow a stampede of 1,000 unicorns – since they have arrived at the camp where our crying captains are staying. They drop the mermaids off into the water because their skin is drying out and then Maya and Joey reunite with the captains:

When Captain Armstrong and Captain Goran saw that Maya and Joey were back with the mermaids and the unicorns they did not trust their own eyes and did not know if they should laugh or cry. They were deeply moved and bowed down to the ground and greeted Maya and Joey with tears in their eyes and with the words, “Maya and Joey…the heavens had great mercy with you! Nobody can deny that you are indeed ‘The Encouragers’ of our land.” (page 553).

On the contrary, I can deny it. I also think that this paragraph abuses the word ‘and’ to a horrific extent. I also think – and this just might be a pet peeve of mind – that it’s not possible for two people to say the exact same thing. Both captains cannot greet them with the exact same words. It’s not possible, unless it’s been rehearsed, and that’s just stupid.

Big Bertha is eavesdropping, and launches into yet another monologue. Tesch really needs to learn that when characters are thinking something, she should just write ‘____ thought’ and then move on. People very rarely talk out loud to themselves, and when they do, it doesn’t last for half of a page. At any rate, Bertha realizes that they are The Encouragers and knows this is information that will please Apollyon, so she takes off.

Captain Armstrong suggests to Queen Aquamarisha that all the unicorns should just swim downriver until it dumps into the Lake Lagoon where the mermaids live. Right. Mermaids who are used to a reasonably warm lagoon can just leap into an ice-cold mountain river and survive with no side effects. That makes perfect sense. The mermaids, of course, think this is a brilliant idea.

Maya hugs all the mermaids goodbye, and notices something.

Morgana, one of the mermaids, looked at Joey with her beautiful and lovely eyes and she really tried to find an opportunity to talk to him because she wanted to tell him something very special and very, very personal…but she was too shy and when she could not find a chance to talk to Joey, she followed Queen Aquamarisha quietly into the river (pages 554-555).

Wait. Did Tesch just insinuate – is she saying that –

Only Maya could read the thoughts of Morgana and she saw that there was something more between them. Maya knew that Morgana liked Joey very much and she had already observed in the water park that Joey was staring at Morgana with wide eyes (page 555).

BAAHAHAHAHAHHHAH.

This is…well, words don’t fail me, but they probably should.

Okay, let me get this straight. Joey shows up at the castle. Let’s keep in mind that Joey is fourteen. Speaking as someone who was one, fourteen-year-old boys are unattractive and disgusting. Just throwing this out there. But a mermaid finds him attractive. Interspecies love and all that. Even though they haven’t really seen each other, or talked to each other. She has briefly glimpsed Joey once or twice. But okay, maybe she’s shallow and she knows Joey’s a big deal so she has some sort of random crush on him. I don’t find that likely, but let’s assume that it is. Why, then, is this the first we’ve heard of this? Morgana hasn’t been mentioned by name ONCE in this entire goddamn book. If this was the case, why wasn’t there a scene back at the water-park where Maya noticed Joey visually molesting one of the mermaids, and vice versa? I think it’s pretty clear that Tesch just came up with this scene and didn’t bother to add scenes retroactively.

On the other hand….suddenly this one picture makes a lot more sense.

I really don’t want to know where Joey’s right hand is. Let’s just move on, shall we?

It turns out that Imperator and Fayina have the hots for each other as well [???] and so they’re immediately all over each other like ugly on Rosie O’Donnell. Okay, I really don’t care about unicorn romance. Really. I don’t care. Let’s move on.

After a brief rest Captain Goran takes all the unicorns and gallops off towards the estate of AstroJesus, and Captain Armstrong takes some men and Maya and Joey to his village, which is at the ‘Glacier River’.

Drinks: 29, plus a bottle for the interspecies love.

Chapter Seventy – Somebody Stole the Key…

Holy flying saucer Batman!

Big Bertha flies along until she sees Apollyon’s enormous army marching.

The powers, principalities rulers had also other weapons… ‘smart weapons’ and fast airships, however, King Ruach forbid the use of these ‘super natural weapons’ in an armed conflict with flesh and blood and so the war against King Astrodoulos and the ‘Land of Maradonia’ had to be settled with conventional weapons to avoid an intrusion or a straight intervention by the powers of light (page 558).

Who the fuck is this King Roach guy? Is he supposed to be God? And if so, why does he pick completely arbitrary times to lay down the law? For example, why did he send Sagitta and Co. to rescue Maya and Joey when they were being burnt on the grill? The powers and principalities (enough is enough, Tesch, stop using that fucking word) weren’t using any magical powers then. Why did he step in?

Also… ‘smart weapons’? Really, Tesch. Really?

Anyway, apparently Apollyon has made his son Abaddon king of Terra Mili (the country next to Selinka and Maradonia) and also commander in chief over all his armed forces. So he’s given Abaddon his own job then?

Bertha flies around for a bit and finally finds the rest of the ravens. She explains that she needs to see Apollyon immediately. They take her to Apollyon’s tent and he asks her what news she brings.

Bertha ruffled her feathers again and said, “Your majesty, I might have news for you which will not make your day!” (page 561)

No shit? Bertha explains that the mermaids and unicorns have all escaped and Apollyon starts laughing hysterically like it’s a big joke. I really don’t understand this, and that’s because it’s completely unbelievable. People don’t just burst out into laughter when someone delivers horrible news. At the most, they might give a short bark of a laugh before stopping and recognizing that the other person’s face is deadly serious and there’s no way that someone would joke about something that could get you sent to Hell. On the other hand, maybe Tesch is insinuating that it’s difficult to pick up cues from the facial expressions of ravens. On the other hand, it’s been firmly established that Apollyon frequently kills the messenger, so none of his subjects in their right mind would come up and crack a joke about all the unicorns escaping.

Bertha explains that no, she is not kidding, and how that the unicorns and mermaids have escaped and already reached the land of Maradonia. Apollyon leaps up and grabs her in a choke-hold and screams at her. Bertha points out that if he kills her he’ll never find out what she knows, so Apollyon lets go. Bertha then says that it’s high time the ravens got the recognition they deserve and demands that he put her in charge over the rest of the ravens and give her authority and stuff.

Apollyon splutters about how that’s blackmail but he eventually agrees that if Bertha explains how it all happened he’ll make a supervisor and in charge of the ravens and so on. Bertha launches into a long explanation of everything that happened which isn’t very interesting until Apollyon realizes Joey must have stolen….THE KEY TO THE UNDERWORLD. Which is kind of a big deal. Sounds like you should have guarded it a little better instead of leaving it out where anyone who is willing to reach quickly into a fire and scorch a couple hairs could steal it.

Apollyon pops a vein:

“This key us the foundation of our power! But this key is not only the foundation of our power. It holds our kingdom together because it is for us the only access to the underworld and by losing this key to the underworld… I, the great King Apollyon have no access any more to the underworld.” (pages 565-566).

Sounds like…you shouldn’t have left it out where anyone could steal it, you fucking moron! Hilariously, Apollyon reveals that he can’t make any more keys because he killed Remmilos (the guy he fried in the prologue and in the council chapter) and Remmilos was the only person who was talented enough to make more. I guess you shouldn’t have killed him, then.

Anyway, Apollyon, for some reason, decides to fly back to the castle in one of his airships. I don’t know why. Abbadon promises he’ll kill Maya and Joey and recover the key. So there’s really no reason for Apollyon to go back. But he does. Maybe he needs to sulk.

Abbadon and Bertha talk for a bit. Bertha reveals that the culprits are Maya and Joey, otherwise known as ‘The Encouragers’. The conversation turns to the fact that they are now untouchable by supernatural powers. Abbadon asks Ceara what she thinks.

“I’m totally convinced that these teenagers stole the key to the underworld after all we have heard about them… but what about poison?” (page 569)

That is a horribly written sentence. I guess the point is that they might be immune to otherworldy powers, but they’ll be susceptible to poison. You know what else they will be susceptible to? Being stabbed in the face with a sword. Also, the sword is generally more reliable. Just throwing this out there.

Next, Abbadon’s brother Plouton walks out and heads over to the tent of the Titans. Apparently they aren’t happy with Abbadon’s leadership.

Sheer enmity was their motive and made them partners in a planned assassination of King Abbadon because the Titans wanted revenge for the death of their brother Remmilos and Plouton wanted Abbadon also out of the picture because he hated his brother (page 570).

Here’s a tip, Tesch. Learn how to write. Then publish a novel.

Bertha starts giving orders to the other ravens who reluctantly agree. Bertha gloats, and the chapter finally comes to an end.

Drinks: 38

Comment [13]

Chapter Seventy-One – The Letter from the General

The Encouragers arrive at the village of ‘Kamali’. The entire village turns out to greet them and they’ve covered the streets with flowers and decorated the entire village especially for their arrival. Definitely a good use of their money.

Tesch glosses over the welcoming committee and jumps straight into summary. Maya spends her time watching the river, thinking about mermaids, and having garlands put around her neck by village girls. Joey spends his time a little more wisely (frightening thought, having Joey as the more mature of the two), turning himself into a younger, dumber version of Legolas.

Joey was very interested to learn about the art of using bow and arrow and he was trained by the best archers in the area. The archers were astonished how fast Joey learned and how precise he could shoot the arrows into the artificial targets (page 572).

But of course. Joey is a Stu, and Stus can learn anything – even complex skills that take years and years to truly master – in a matter of days, if not hours.

We skip over to Captain Goran, who meets up with General Genarius. Apparently Marabou, the talkative mermaid, told them pretty much everything. Apparently, moronic metaphors have a way of catching on and turning into proper names:

“The other mermaids said that Marabou had a ‘Diarrhea of Words’ and this is why they call her ‘chatterbox’ and she is just too much for everybody.” (page 574)

Yes. It’s Capitalized now. Also, this isn’t relevant to the story, at all. I have no idea why it’s even here – oh wait, yes I do. Tesch probably thought it sounded ‘cool’.

Eventually the conversation turns to the glowing key that Joey nicked and this intrigues Genarius. He writes a letter and gives it to Goran with orders to deliver it to Maya and Joey. He also tells Goran to divide the 300 invincible warriors into three groups of 100 men each (just in case Goran wasn’t good at math) and put them on the three sides of the city where they can expect the heaviest attacks. Apparently the armies of darkness are afraid of water [???] so they won’t attack from the east, where the lake is. Okay then.

A couple typos later – seriously, Tesch, PROOFREAD – Goran rides his horse all day and all night and arrives very tired. I wonder how the poor horse feels. After another typo, Goran finds Maya and Joey and gives them the letter.

The letter is written, for some reason, in a completely different and very bizarre font which randomly switches the size of the text and only uses capital Ls.

After the obligatory congratulations the letter moves on to talking about the Key to the Underworld. It explains that the Key is very powerful and is a supernatural weapon.

“if you hold this instrument against any living creature or object a Lightning comes out if this weapon and burns everything to ashes.” (page 579)

That’s right. A Lightning comes out. And burns everything to ashes, apparently, instead of just that creature or object. It actually sounds a little dangerous, to tell the truth.

The letter goes on to advise Joey to throw the key into the ‘Glacier River’, but barring that, he needs to know that the entire kingdom of darkness will stop at nothing to get the key back and they will follow Maya and Joey wherever they go. Which sounds terrible, until you realize that the kingdom of darkness has been trying to kill them for a while now and are so incompetent that they haven’t managed a thing.

The letter ends on a P.S.:

“One more thing! You cannot use this instrument in the fight to help Selinka because that would allow Apollyon to use his supernatural powers against us.” (page 580)

Why? No real reason. It’s Magic, that’s why. The rules that govern it don’t have to make any sense.

Maya was very concerned when she read the letter and said, “Joey, maybe we should really think about throwing this dangerous weapon into the Glacier River for good!”

“Hmm… maybe you are right Maya but before we do, I want to try it out on some flying birds or running animals, like rabbits and then we can make our final decision later.” (581).

Huh. Our Hero gets a powerful weapon that can burn living things to ashes and his first thought is to go out and use it to slaughter woodland creatures. This is probably a bad sign.

Joey leaves camp and strolls along for awhile, finally sitting down next to the river and taking out the Key. He thinks about it for awhile, and there’s half a set of quotation marks thrown in here for no apparent reason.

Meanwhile, Bertha’s six raven sisters are flying along. They see Joey sitting there, think he’s just a normal kid, and keep flying. However, Joey sees the ravens as a nice target. So he aims the key and hits the button that happens to be there that he has never hit before out of curiosity or by accident during the entire team he has had the key.

Joey was certainly not ready for the result of this action because a fine line of fire flung out of the mouth of the stick like a ‘laser beam’. Joey could point this fire beam into all directions. When he tried to aim the ultra violet fire line at one of the birds and the fire line touched it, the bird exploded like a fireball in mid air and only a rain of ashes fell to the ground. Joey tried again… and again… and again… always with the same result. Three more ravens had exploded in the air like huge fireballs and the hunting fever had grabbed Joeys mind. The two remaining ravens nosedived from the sky because they realized that the boy was the reason for their trouble. Joey pointed the glowing stick toward the pine forest and pushed the button of the key as before. Now the whole forest exploded in a fireball and burned totally down to ashes (page 583).

I would break down the grammatical errors and typos in that paragraph, but to be honest, I’m already pretty drunk. Suffice to say that this type of idiotic action is precisely what I expect from a kid like Joey.

Naturally, Maya and the rest of the villagers notice there’s a forest fire and so they come running and find Joey sitting there with the key stored away in his backpack and a huge burned patch that used to be a magnificent forest is now ashes and barren ground.

Captain Armstrong and Captain Goran were astonished when they saw the place but they did not ask any questions because they thought that Joey had set the forest on fire by accident (page 584).

He DID set the forest on fire by accident. What difference does that make? He’s a fourteen-year-old fucking idiot with a Deus ex Machina hat and a flamethrower. Take away his godlike weapons until he learns how to control them…or better yet, just take them away.

Later, Maya and Joey have a talk.

“We call that in our world ‘supernatural fire powers’.” Maya said (page 584).

No, I’m pretty sure we call that a flamethrower.

Joey thinks about things for awhile and finally walks down to the river. When he arrives he looks at this fancy new weapon of mass destruction (Tesch’s words, not mine) and does what any other fourteen-year-old boy would do: he decides to keep it. Unlike any other fourteen-year-old boy, however, he launches into a page-and-a-half speech, which of course he delivers aloud, even though he’s by himself.

“This instrument possesses the power of incredible potency.” (page 586).

Uh…brilliant, Joey. Potency means power. So this instrument possesses the power of incredible power? That’s telling us a lot.

Anyway, Joey decides to keep it, because….

“I’m under the impression that I grew through this experience tremendously since I have left Oceanside.” (page 586).

I don’t doubt that you are under that impression, Joey. I really don’t.

Drinks: 46

Chapter Seventy-Two – Ravens Post

The two surviving ravens fly back to Bertha to tell her that the rest of their sisters were flamethrowered to death by a teenager. When they arrive, Bertha accepts the news stoically, and is even rather excited to have good news to tell Abbadon. Odd, I thought she actually cared about her sisters. My mistake.

Of course, Tesch tries to tell us that Bertha cares about her sisters’ death, but for some reason it rings hollow. See if you can tell why from these two quotes:

“It is very sad that our sisters died on duty”, Bertha replied, “You are back and it is good to see you alive. You are my only family.”

And then this:

Bertha flew up, still very upset about the death of her four sisters but she had at least the news and the information the king had waited for (page 589).

I’m tempted to make a joke about Gloria Tesch being a sociopath, but I know that in this instance, at least, it’s not the case…she simply has no idea how to write.

Abbadon is delighted to hear the news and asks Bertha to see if her sisters are willing to carry a message back to Apollyon who is still sulking in his castle. Bertha agrees.

Drinks: 11

Chapter Seventy-Three – Spearheads of Defense

The Captains Armstrong and Goran meet up with General Genarius, who asks them if there was any reply to the letter he sent Maya and Joey. They reply to the negative. Genarius then asks if they saw anything unusual. The Captains look at each other and finally Armstrong fesses up:

“Basically, we did not see anything unusual or anything strange except for a big mushroom cloud of smoke.” (page 592).

Wait. A mushroom cloud? What, Joey has a nuclear device now? And come on, Armstrong, who are you fooling? ‘Basically, I didn’t see anything weird except for a nuclear bomb go off. Pretty normal day, overall!’

The captains explain the situation and how they found Joey surrounded by a patch of black smoldering ashes. Genarius is affected by this – yes, affected – but moves on to talking about their defense. He tells the captains they will both command the north flank of the city. Then we get an interesting line:

“I will defend the west flank, the center of the city and Brody the man with the unusual beard, one of the best and oldest friends of the elders in the City Hall and a very close friend of King Astrodoulos will hold the south flank.” (page 594).

This fascinates me. He’s friends with elders in ‘the’ City Hall and buddies with AstroJesus, and yet Genarius introduces him as ‘the man with the unusual beard’. Just how unusual is this beard? Has he braided it into a cage for his head, complete with a door that unlocks?

Tesch rambles for a bit about how war has come to the lands and the air smells like burnt rubber, which is cool because I wasn’t aware that rubber had been discovered yet.

We cut back to Maya and Joey who are still goofing off and being unencouraging to the residents of Maradonia and Selinka. Joey finally makes up his mind to not throw the WMD into the Glacier River. Maya, for some reason, tells him that she supports his decision, but only if he agrees to never use the WMD for his own personal profit, purpose, etc. Joey agrees and says that he has named the WMD ‘Defender’.

Maya nodded and said “Joey, I have watched you over time and I am proud of you because you grew so much during this journey. You matured from the inside out and now you have a better understanding of things.” (page 597)

HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA.

Joey tells Maya that she has changed as well, and they talk for a bit. Maya tells him that he’s very special. He is. In a eats-the-paste-and-rides-the-short-bus-to-school kind of way. Anyway, she wants to tell him something:

“Please, Joey, listen… I know that you are fourteen years old…but it does not matter how old you are or how young you are… just like it does not matter what size the bottle is. ‘Cream always reaches the top’.” (page 598).

So, if there’s nothing else, I guess what we can take from this chapter is that Joey is made out of cream.

Drinks: 28

Comment [27]

Chapter Seventy-Four – The Gambler Aurek

That’s an…interesting picture.

King Abbadon’s army is getting ever closer to the city of Selinka.

It was absolutely forbidden for the fairies to use supernatural powers against flesh and blood in fear of a deadly intervention from the king of light except thunder and lightning and the sound of rushing waters (page 600).

I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s worth mentioning again. We had a scene not too long ago, 240 pages to be exact, where the fairies used supernatural powers against Maya and Joey and their army. Luckily, most of the army had bathed in the Deus ex Machina lake and were indestructible, but a few people were fried to ashes. Why didn’t the king of light intervene then? And why would he intervene now? This doesn’t make any sense. Neither does allowing them to use lightning. So, you can’t use your supernatural powers…except to call down bolts of lightning to magically destroy your enemies? Okay then.

Tesch tells us that Abbadon’s army is shooting hundreds of thousands of arrows over the walls and the defenders are shooting hundreds of thousands of arrows in return. I don’t even want to think about how obscenely expensive all those arrows are.

The war meanders for a few paragraphs until Abbadon realizes the city is quite well-defended and it will be difficult to take it. He remembers what Apollyon said about finding a traitor within the city.

We cut over to a chap named Aurek, who is, as the chapter title suggests, a gambler.

Aurek was a very handsome man but he was a player, a gambler, very slick and he loved music, wine and the women. He was always funny. He loved the women and the women loved him (page 601).

I’m picturing a twelve-year-old Gloria Tesch typing phrases like ‘he loved the women’, and it just makes me uncomfortable.

Aurek is the nephew of the unusual-bearded General Brody. They are tight because Aurek brings Brody some of his girlfriends as ‘companions’. In the Firefly sense, no doubt. Brody’s favorite is a wench named Florie. However, Florie is cold-hearted and crafty and really only has eyes for Aurek.

Every day Aurek stands on the city walls thinking about how to squeeze some money out of the war. That sounds like an excellent way to get shot. But Aurek decides to sell out the city. So he chats with Florie. Florie wants to get married to Aurek and have them become King and Queen of Maradonia, which Aurek thinks is a fantastic idea. He hatches a plan: He’ll send Florie in to flirt with Brody and present a plan to him: lower Aurek over the city walls in a basket! Aurek says they’ll tell Brody it’s so he can spy on Abbadon while under the pretense of asking Abbadon for peace terms. However, he’ll actually be selling Selinka out to Abbadon! It’s brilliant!

It’s fucking moronic.

First of all, why would they expect Brody to agree to this? Brody isn’t in charge. Doesn’t a peace ambassador need to be cleared through, I dunno, the KING? And if he’s sending out spies, shouldn’t he at least be clearing this through superiors?

Second, why does Aurek want to involve Brody anyway? Doesn’t he have any evil compatriots who will lower him over the walls?

Third, there’s an excellent chance that, if Aurek was really going spying, he’d be executed on the spot. Brody would know this and not want to let his nephew go.

Fourth, the city is completely surrounded. And the walls are lined with soldiers. How, precisely, are they going to lower him surreptitiously over the walls?

Anyway, Florie thinks this idea is brilliant. She sluts herself up and they head in to chat up Brody:

As usual Aurek greeted, hugged, and kissed his uncle Brody on his hairy cheek.

“Hmm…and whom did you bring for me this time you naughty boy?” (page 609)

I’m getting some odd vibes here. That might just be me though.

Florie and Brody talk and Brody is convinced that Aurek will be okay spying on the enemy, even though he isn’t a trained observer and is, in fact, a gambler, an alcoholic, and a whoremonger. Brody gets a couple of trusted men and sends them off to lower Aurek over the wall.

However, things aren’t sitting quite right with Brody:

The General looked at Florie and said, “I really do not know what’s going on here. I have a strange feeling but let me ask you a question: Florie, do you really like me or do you despise me deep down in your heart?” (page 611).

If you have to ask, you’re doing it wrong.

Florie reassures Brody that she thinks he’s the cat’s pajamas and then roofies his drink. It kicks in and Brody realizes what happened. He tries to get up but falls over, cracking his head on the edge of the table and instantly dies.

Drinks: 33

Chapter Seventy-Five – No Prisoners

Aurek strolls over to the army and is promptly apprehended and frisked. He says he has a message for Abbadon so the guards take him over to Abbadon’s tent. Aurek launches into a prepared speech about how Brody is old, AstroJesus is old, and Maradonia needs new leadership.

Abbadon points out that he can read Aurek like a book and knows precisely what he wants. He also can apparently see Aurek’s and Florie’s thoughts.

“You must understand,” Abbadon continued, “ ‘Evil recognizes evil as well as goodness recognizes goodness’.” (page 616)

I really hate the openly evil trope, where characters freely acknowledge that they’re evil. It’s completely outside human nature. Everyone is the hero of their own story. Truly evil people almost never recognize or understand who they really are – they believe that they are good, or at the very least make excuses for what they do.

Abbadon reveals that Brody is dead, which horrifies Aurek. Abbadon asks Aurek if he came to tell Abbadon that he should sneak back into Selinka wearing Aurek’s clothes, which sounds like a terrible idea, but it’s true. Abbadon then asks if Florie knows where AstroJesus lives. Aurek replies to the affirmative, which might not have been the smartest response. Abbadon then points out that Aurek would be arrested for treason, which is true…if people knew he was a traitor.

“Who can trust you? Many people love treason and treachery, but they hate the traitors. Do you not know that?” (page 617).

I guess it depends on which side you’re on, but that might be true. Generally speaking, if the traitor is betraying people to your advantage, you’re pretty stoked about the entire thing. Although it is true that you would never really be able to trust the traitor himself.

Abbadon snaps his fingers and some guards come in. He has them strip Aurek down to his boxers and drag him off to the executioner, who promptly chops off Aurek’s head.

The executioner looked at the headless body of Aurek and said, “I assume that this man did not know that we don’t keep prisoners.” (page 618)

Not going to lie, I burst out laughing at that line, and it was because it’s genuinely funny. Either that or the vodka.

We cut over to Maya and Joey, who have received a message from General Genarius. They take off on horseback and get back inside Selinka. Despite the fact that the city is completely surrounded by Abbadon’s troops. They’re able to just waltz through. Without any explanation whatsoever.

Back to Abbadon, who is dressed in Aurek’s clothes. He hops in the basket and tugs the rope and is pulled up to the top. He’s wearing a hood over his face which of course fools everyone. The guards take him back to Brody’s chamber where he meets up with Florie.

When Abbadon pulled his hood a little further back, Florie said, “It is strange…. you look like Aurek but you smell like burned rubber. Your eyes are also different and your voice does not sound like Aurek’s voice and…. your behavior is… I don’t know how I should say it. Who are you?” (page 621)

Abbadon tells her to keep quiet and Florie immediately accepts this and leads him to AstroJesus’ pad. A misspelling of the word ‘shining’ as ‘shinning’ later, guards break into Brody’s room and find him dead. They send a message to General Genarius and explain that Florie spent the night with him and also that Aurek left the city via basket and then returned. Genarius questions one of the guards, who says that when Aurek came back his voice was different and he smelled like sulfur and burnt rubber. And yet they did not find this even remotely fucking unusual. At. All.

Genarius thinks about this for about fifteen seconds and comes to the conclusion that Abbadon is posing as Aurek. He has someone saddle his horse, arms himself, and takes off for AstroJesus’ pad, at roughly the same time that Abbadon and Florie arrive. Abbadon then asks her if she knows who she is. Florie says that he’s a magician working for Abbadon. Abbadon laughs and reveals his face to her.

When Florie looked at the ‘Face of Evil’ her heart died within her and she fell down at the gate of King Astrodoulos and became stiff and cold like a stone (page 624).

Drinks: 16

Comment [32]

Chapter Seventy-Six – Death of the Kings

Great chapter title there. I have no idea what’s going to happen in this chapter.

Two of AstroJesus’ twelve servants are out in the garden taking care of the roses. I just noticed that he has TWELVE servants. Like the twelve apostles? Subtle, Tesch.

Anyway, the two rose-trimmers hear and see what happened with Florie and they run screaming inside the house shouting that King Abbadon is here.

All the servants of King Astrodoulos, who heard this message dropped everything and disappeared through the back yard into the coconut creek area (page 626).

It’s good to see that AstroJesus’ servants are so loyal to him that they go running at the mere mention of King Abbadon’s name. That’s the kind of loyalty I really want the ruler of the free world to inspire. Also, what the hell is the coconut creek area? What does that even mean? Is the creek coconut-flavored?

Actually, one of the servants, a chap named Parnell, stays behind and hides in a wardrobe. Evidently he hasn’t heard how foolish it is to shut oneself inside a wardrobe. More importantly, when Tesch just wrote the word “all” one paragraph up, she was lying.

Abbadon barges inside and starts screaming for AstroJesus to come out because he’s here to kill him. Which seems like a really poor reason for AstroJesus to come out. But the doors to AstroJesus’ throne-room open up and he starts….monologuing. Of course.

“I saw you coming Abbadon. You came with the help of a traitor into my land and my own people heaved you over the pinnacle over the south tower and now you are here to kill me. You have scared my servants. You showed your real face to Florie and she lays slain in front of my estate. My people are afraid of you and they fled into different directions. You stand with ‘Titus’, the sword of the Titans, in your right hand and a dagger in your left hand in front of me and I am an unarmed man because I proclaim peace and you proclaim war.” (page 626)

It’s clear that Tesch has no idea how to write a dramatic confrontation. Apparently she thinks that someone pointing out random facts about the other person that everyone, including the audience, is aware of, is very dramatic and powerful. So, to help her out, I thought I’d make this helpful diagram:

You’re welcome.

Abbadon demands that AstroJesus fight him. So AstroJesus gets up and gets a sword and shield, but not a helmet.

King Astrodoulos said, “Abbadon you are indeed a powerful king, who has overthrown so many other kings in the past, but today is not your day. I have the greater mind and I will use my power against yours. Brain power always beats muscle power.” (page 627)

Usually, that’s true. The one time that it isn’t true is when you are in a room with someone who’s a lot stronger and a better fighter than you and it’s a fight to the death. The idea of brain power is to keep yourself from ever getting in that position.

They ramble for a bit longer and finally they charge each other. It’s very dramatic:

They shouted and ran like war horses and charged toward each other. Those two kings who represented totally different worlds, different mentalities and thinking patterns rushed against each other like lightning and they were cruising the ground with violent speed. The two fierce kings crashed together like thunderbolts. Each man was fighting with his drawn sword and they rushed together like two fighting bulls in an arena (page 628).

So first they’re running like war horses and then they’re running like fighting bulls. And they’re fighting with drawn swords…in opposition to fighting with sheathed swords? And what the fuck is ‘violent speed’? And why are you talking about their thinking patterns during an action scene?

So they fight. King AstroJesus is hacking bits of armor off Abbadon’s body. Actually no. He’s ‘hawing’ bits of armor off Abbadon’s body. I don’t think that word means what you think it means, Tesch.

This continues until AstroJesus’ sword shatters. Abbadon then smashes AstroJesus’ shield in half, but AstroJesus grabs a spear off the wall and the fight continues, until AstroJesus sticks the spear clean through Abbadon. Abbadon realizes he’s fucked. But he also knows that AstroJesus has an Achilles…shoulder. And, of course, immediately after he’s been speared he finds the opportunity to stab AstroJesus into the shoulder. Downward, apparently, because it’s a mortal wound. AstroJesus isn’t worried because he foresaw the entire fight and knew this is what would happen. I wonder why, though, if he can foresee how the entire fight would happen, he couldn’t change his strategy so he didn’t die?

Abbadon falls down dead and AstroJesus slumps down into his throne, leaking profusely. It’s about this time when Maya, Joey, and Genarius show up. Maya freaks out and wants to pull the dagger out, but AstroJesus says it’ll just make him bleed out faster.

King Astrodoulos looked for a long moment at Joey and said with a calm voice, “Joey… you have a good heart. The day will come when you will rule as king over two different kingdoms at the borders of the ‘Land of Maradonia’.” (page 631)

What? He’s going to be the fucking king? This dumbass? And…he has a good heart? Seriously? The same kid who just fried a bunch of ravens out of the sky for shits and giggles?

“Concerning my death, dear Joey, I want to tell you: ‘All men must die, weather they are kings or slaves’.” (pages 631-632).

WHETHER. Not WEATHER. Just because Microsoft Word doesn’t put a squiggly red line beneath the word doesn’t mean it’s the correct word.

Genarius cries for a bit, and then Parnell, the servant who was hiding in the wardrobe, comes in with the city elders. It’s a small bit, but let’s examine this. First, Tesch goes to the trouble to explain that Parnell was hiding in the wardrobe. This is the equivalent of an unfired Chekhov’s Gun, because it never amounts to anything. Parnell could just as easily fled with the rest of the servants and then come back with the city elders. Second, the time frame doesn’t make sense. Even if Parnell left immediately after the fight began, the fight was only about five minutes long, and Maya and Joey have only been talking to AstroJesus for about five minutes. So in the space of ten minutes Parnell had time to leave, round up every single one of the city elders from wherever they were, and lead them all back to AstroJesus’ pad. Finally, Parnell doesn’t know that AstroJesus won the fight. For all he knows Abbadon could have won…which means that he is bringing all of the city leaders directly into a trap. How fucking stupid is this guy, anyway?

Anyway, AstroJesus appoints Genarius King of Maradonia. Everyone bows down. AstroJesus tells Genarius to marry the lady he has the hots for, and as a wedding present, gives him a mirror that shows the future, but not the present. He then says that Maya and Joey are now Princess Maya and Prince Joey and are part of the Royal Family. He tells Joey to use the Key of the Underworld wisely. He tells Maya that when the time comes she needs to bring the king’s child to the camp of Dominatio. He then gives Maya a present, rambles for a bit, and finally asks someone to grab the book which is called ‘Education Book of Light’. Exactly that. Hilton, one of the elders, does so. AstroJesus asks him to read Zurie 540 to 545:

“If somebody wants to steal from you a dress or a suit, let him have your coat also. And whoever asks you for a favor to go with him one mile, go with him two miles…” (page 636)

If this sounds familiar, it’s because it’s from the Bible. From the Book of Luke, Chapter Six, verse 29:

“And from he who takes away your cloak, do not withhold your tunic either.”

AstroJesus tells everyone to live by the Bible – sorry, the Education Book of Light – and everyone will be happy and there will be peace. Then he dies.

Genarius tells the servants to take the body away and start preparing for the funeral.

The elders tie a rope around Abbadon’s feet and drag the body out, without touching him. Speaking from personal experience, it’s really hard to tie a rope around the feet of a corpse without touching it.

Genarius gives them a note warning everyone not to touch Abbadon’s corpse – after they have already not touched Abbadon’s corpse, which is awfully lucky. They toss Florie’s corpse into a wagon, tie Abbadon’s corpse to the back, and drive to the south tower. They climb up top and pitch Florie’s body over the wall, but it proves difficult to drag Abbadon’s body up the stairs without touching him. One of the soldiers sums up how difficult they’re making it:

“We try to put a square pig into a round hole.” (page 641)

That does sound pretty difficult. First of all, where, precisely, would you find a square pig? Does it look something like this?:

So they decide to ignore their new king’s explicit order and carry the body up the stairs. Instead of, I dunno, finding a stretcher, putting the corpse on that, and carrying it up via stretcher? Anyway, after they throw the body off huge boils break out all over their bodies. The pain drives them insane and they all leap off the tower to their deaths.

Drinks: 67

Chapter Seventy-Seven – The Crowning

As soon as Abbadon pops off, King Apollyon flips his shit. He runs around his palace at mountain peak glacier (for some reason it’s not capitalized this time even though it’s a proper name) screaming and yelling advice at his dead son. And helpfully expositing that if he can’t find Abbadon’s corpse in the next three and half days, he’s gone forever!!!!

We cut back to Selinka and they’re preparing to crown Genarius king. There’s a couple awkward and stupid monologues. My favorite is this one:

“King Astrodoulos has commanded that General Genarius will be our next king! All the elders of this city have heard with their own ears the last wish and the will of King Astrodoulos when he said “Genarius will be my sole successor because there is no success without a successor.” (page 644)

I think Tesch just blew my mind.

The long and short of it is that Genarius is crowned king. Afterwards, they call Maya and Joey up. Genarius taps them on the head with his sword (that he took off Abbadon’s corpse…but it’s somehow not Evil) and proclaims that they are Princess and Prince, respectively. And gives them silver crowns. Everyone cheers, except General Felipe and a few other officers, who look depressed.

Next, Genarius names Captains Armstrong and Goran to the rank of General. Genarius tells them both to kneel down.

“Receive the tip of my sword on your right shoulder.” (page 647)

I have a dirty mind. Let’s just move on.

Everyone cheers, they party it up for a bit, and that’s the end of the chapter.

Drinks: 21

Comment [28]

Chapter Seventy-Eight – Schwarz-Pulver

Yes – that is really the chapter title. And wait until you find out what it means!

We open the chapter with a speech from King Genarius:

“After all these celebrations we should not forget that we are in the middle of a war and that there are nearly two million warriors in front of our city who want to destroy our walls and our defense system with a brand new technique.” (page 650)

It’s pretty clear that Gloria Tesch doesn’t have any real idea of the effort it would take to sustain that many men in a single army in a single location. So let’s break this down. Even today, with all of our advanced technology, food preservation techniques, and the ability to bring in fresh supplies by train on a regular basis, having an army of two million men in a single location would be a logistical nightmare, if not flatly impossible. That many men would consume about 6,000,000 pounds of food every day. They would drink 1 million gallons of water every single day – and more if they were fighting. Just to add to the insanity, this is not even two million men gathering in one location to fight a decisive battle – this is a siege. Where are all these people, not to put too fine a point on it, shitting and pissing, day after day after day? In conditions like that, disease will break out very quickly and wipe out a large portion of your army.

Without modern technology, it’s going to be really hard just to maintain an army of even 100,000 men. Having twenty times that number? Flatly impossible.

Also, there is really no excuse for Tesch not knowing this. Medieval logistics are not really my strong suit, but I found out all of this with about twenty minutes of Googling and some basic math.

Anyway, Genarius has visited the enemy’s camp and discovered their new weapons system. And he wants to attack.

“Now is the best time to attack and destroy their new ‘Schwarz Pulver Centers’!”

“What do you mean by ‘Schwarz Pulver Centers’?” Joey asked.

“The troops of the ‘Empire’ have developed a new powder which they call ‘Schwarz Pulver’. They fill this powder with funnels into canisters and if they would place these canisters directly under our walls and ignite them or launch them with a fire arrow, they would blow all of our walls away!” (page 651).

So basically, they’re these:

I mean, if we’re being honest.

I do wonder how these things were suddenly ‘developed’. Abbadon had to know that they were under development, at least. I’m not sure why he would risk his life sneaking into the city to kill AstroJesus when he knew that any day they’d develop little Helm’s Deep bombs to blow holes in the city.

And no, I have no fucking idea why anyone would call bombs ‘Schwarz Pulver Centers’. But to be honest, nothing that Tesch does would surprise me at this point.

Genarius wants to sneak into the enemy’s camp and set their…not a chance in hell I’m going to keep typing this out…their SPC’s on fire. There’s two locations, and they need to destroy them at the same time, for some reason. Well, for no reason. But anyway, Maya has a Tarnkappe now. Oh yeah, that present AstroJesus gave her? It was his Deus Ex Machina hat. This is how we find out what that was. Tesch just didn’t bother actually telling us at the time.

Anyway. Genarius will visit one area and Maya and Joey will visit the other. Genarius gives them a couple bottles of oil and explains to spray [?] the oil all over the SPC and then set it on fire and then run. But since they can leap tall buildings in a single bound and are basically indestructible I don’t think getting away is really going to be a problem.

Tesch throws in a ‘And so it was…’ and we cut forward to the gate. They open the gate a crack and the three of them slip out. For some reason, the siege that is running completely around the walls don’t notice them.

Invisible, they slip through enemy lines until they get to where the SPC’s are kept.

But there was one thing that King Genarius had not mentioned; there were wild dogs on long leashes at each corner.

These animals, somehow sensed Maya and Joey, even in their invisibility and began growling when they arrived at the place (page 655).

Um…no. These Tarnkappes made Maya and Joey able to pet wild bear cubs. Remember that? I do, Tesch, even if you don’t.

But don’t worry! Just in case you thought that Maya and Joey would have to apply some creativity to a difficult situation…they don’t. The guards think the dogs are barking at a rodent and Maya and Joey just stroll right inside without any problems. They spray oil over the bombs, set them on fire, and run like hell. As they run, there’s an explosion from Genarius’ section. Maya and Joey start to worry and talk about if their SPC’s didn’t explode. There’s some trepidation for half a page and then it explodes. Whew, that was a close one. Could you feel the tension? I could.

They get inside the city and Genarius congratulations them, calling them the Princess and Prince of Maradonia, which is a little odd when you consider that Maradonia is the name of the entire continent. It’s like someone being named King of France and then introduced as King of Europe. But at least it’s not as weird as this next bit.

“Hmm…” said Joey. “I had already forgotten that they had made me ‘Prince of Maradonia’.”

“I didn’t.” Maya said. “Not even a single minute. Today I had my tiara in my backpack waiting for me but tonight I will put the tiara on my head and I will sleep with it!”

“Tonight?”

“Yeah dude…and I will sleep with it.” (page 659).

Words (almost) fail me. I’m not sure which is more surprising – that Joey has forgotten that he was made a Prince, when he’s been carrying his crown around [?] in his backpack [???], or that Maya has been gloating about it for every single minute and plans to sleep in her crown.

Joey pulls his crown out of his backpack and wonders how much he could pawn it for. Maya lectures him, saying that ‘a prince’ would never do something like that. As if she knows what a prince would do.

Word spreads quickly throughout the city that Maya and Joey were responsible for destroying the SPC’s, but Maya and Joey are already in bed, sleeping.

Probably wearing their crowns.

Drinks: 32

Chapter Seventy-Nine – The Fire Funeral

It’s King AstroJesus’ funeral. Blah blah, he’s carried along in a stage coach drawn by six white horses. Genarius gets up and gives a rather boring speech until the end.

“Let us bow down before this great king once more and let’s shout out, ‘we love you King Astrodoulos, we love you forever!’” The echo of hundreds of thousands of voices shouted throughout the city of Selinka. ‘We love you King Astrodoulos, we love you forever!’ (page 663).

Yeah.

Genarius hauls Maya and Joey up onstage and talks about how awesome and amazing they are for a couple pages and then it’s time. Joey looks at AstroJesus and starts bawling. They’ve know this guy for what? A couple days? They’ve spent maybe a few hours talking to him? And Joey is really this torn up?

They burn AstroJesus’ corpse and scatter the ashes over the Lake Lagoon.

Despite the fact that there are soldiers surrounding the castle that would prevent them from reaching the Lake Lagoon.

Yeah.

Drinks: 13

Chapter Eighty – Back From the Dead

Apollyon shows up and learns that his SPC’s have been destroyed. Understandably, he is not happy. He screams for a bit. But eventually he calms down and figures out what he needs to do.

It was a very lonely and difficult decision for King Apollyon (page 670).

Poor Apollyon. Maybe he needs to sing the Mother Earth Song to cheer himself up.

He writes Genarius a note asking to come collect his son’s body and dispatches it via raven. Genarius agrees. So Apollyon and his son Plouton and a lot of soldiers come to collect Abbadon’s corpse from the bottom of the wall where it landed. Naturally, Maya, Joey, Genarius, and plenty of soldiers are watching.

Plouton conjures up a bunch of worms that eat Florie and the dead soldiers, which makes some people throw up.

Apollyon pulls the spear out of Abbadon’s body. He then recites a long poem and touches the wounds on Abbadon, bends over, and breathes the spirit of darkness into his son. Then we cut forward, although Tesch doesn’t make it clear we’re cutting forward. If you read the scene three or four times you can figure out, but Tesch makes it rather confusing. Probably because she’s a shitty writer.

At the end of the three and half days Abbadon wakes up and everyone freaks out. Except his brother Plouton, who knows that his father likes Abbadon more and is not pleased. Plouton immediately starts scheming.

Apollyon bitches Abbadon out and says he expected to receive the Key to the Underworld, but he found Abbadon dead and the sword of the Titans lost. Surprisingly, Abbadon doesn’t even try to point out that while that’s true, he did kill AstroJesus. Apollyon orders Abbadon up and says they’re going to retreat, but in a spectacular fashion.

He lifted up his eyes and his arms doing the storm and at the same time a great earthquake occurred.

The central tower was heavily demolished and the tenth of the city of Selinka fell.

In that earthquake seven thousand men of the army of King Genarius were killed but the City Hall was not touched by the quake (page 674).

Okay. Let me get this straight.

You have spent PAGES explaining in no uncertain terms that the one thing that the Powers of Evil CANNOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, do, is use their magical powers against the good guys, because if they do, King Roach, FUCKING GOD ALMIGHTY, will intervene.

And yet…Apollyon conjures up an earthquake that destroys a tenth of the city and kills seven thousand men …and nothing happens?

And then…after that…after you have dealt your enemy a crushing blow…you retreat?

I am truly stunned by how little thought went into this book.

Drinks: 16

Comment [41]

Chapter Eighty-One – Lady Ruchi & King Genarius

I have to say, Lady Ruchi has a Barbie doll figure there. Those arms look like they would snap like a twig.

Maya sees Sagitta flying around and this is a good sign, according to Genarius.

“I had to promise King Astrodoulos that I will marry the lady” (page 675).

HAD to marry her? This doesn’t sound promising.

Genarius wants to introduce them to Ruchi because he’s getting married in a few days. Maya thinks this was a fast decision, but Genarius assures them it wasn’t because he’s known and loved Ruchi for a very long time, however, the ‘political situation’ never allowed them to get married, because there was always ‘something else’ going on. This is what poor writers do when they can’t think of good reasons for why something hasn’t happened yet.

“What does ‘Ruchi’ mean?” Joey asked.

“The name ‘Ruchi’ means… a love is growing into a wish to please and to shine before the beloved one. ”

“Wow, she must be some kind of a cool woman! I hope that I will find a wife one day just like that and with that kind of attributes!” Joey said (page 676).

That has to be one of the most convoluted name meanings I’ve ever heard of. I also don’t know why Joey is so impressed by this. Maybe he isn’t aware that people don’t pick their own names, and the fact that someone has a cool name doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a cool person. Also… attributes? You want a wife with the ‘attribute’ of having a name with a cool meaning? Okay then.

Everyone starts preparing for the wedding ceremony. Joey tells Maya that he’s tired because of everything they’ve been through. Helpfully, he then lists everything they’ve done recently, even though Maya was there and lived through all of it. It eats up another half a page. At the end of it, Joey says that he wants to have a few days off before they go home, and Maya enthusiastically agrees.

Wait. Go home? This is the very first this has been mentioned. Tesch doesn’t give any reasons why they’re going to go home soon. They haven’t really accomplished anything. They didn’t complete their quest. There is no logical reason for why Maya and Joey would need to return home…except for Tesch’s reason, which is because it’s the end of the book and she’s decided they’re going to go home. So Tesch just decided to throw it in there like it’s the most natural thing in the world, and probably hoped her readers were too stupid to question it.

The central towers of Selinka as well as many of the houses inside the city were soon rebuilt and the picture of the city did not show too much debris from the earthquake (page 677).

Not likely. A tenth of the city was destroyed. You live in pseudo-medieval times. You’re going to have to go to quarries, cut out new stone blocks, transport them to the city…we’re talking about a process that would take months. Not a few days. Also, what is ‘the picture of the city’?

So they use AstroJesus’ coach and Genarius and Ruchi sit up front and Maya and Joey sit in the back and they ride through the city while the masses scream their praises until they arrive in front of City Hall. Senator Hilton marries them. Everyone parties and marvels at the beauty of Lady Ruchi. The celebration lasts for a while. Tesch describes the buildings that are covered in pure gold and stuff like that. All the captains and generals of the army touch Genarius’ sword – no, not that sword – and swear loyalty and it’s not that interesting.

Eventually, Maya leans over to Joey and suggests they head back to AstroJesus’ pad and visit the unicorns and Maya’s dog, Phoenix, who she misses. What what what? A Phoenix mention? In case you’re interested, Phoenix was last mentioned 346 pages ago, on page 335.

Joey agrees. He then asks Maya what Genarius told her about the three airships that were stolen. Apparently they, their crews, and their cargo of gold all vanished without a trace. This intrigues Joey, but they’ll have to wait until Genarius gets back from his honeymoon to figure it out. Yes, Genarius is taking a honeymoon. Who cares that there’s a war going on?

Joey asks Maya what they can do about the stolen gold and airships.

Maya looked at her brother mild tolerant and said, “Wait and see!” (page 682)

I don’t know what that means.

Drinks: 23

Chapter Eighty-Two – Conspiracy in Patmos

Maya and Joey leave the wedding and go to pick up their backpacks, which they load with all the crap they’ve collected during their time there. Joey eyes the key to the underworld and launches into an impromptu speech that no one, teenager or adult, would ever say:

“Hmm… this instrument is indeed a heavy burden for us but I have responsibility to protect us and the king’s household and I will carry this weapon to the ends of the world, if I have to.”

“I trust you Joey,” Maya confirmed (page 684).

Yeah, it’s a terribly heavy burden, your little Deus Ex Machina stick that you used to fry a bunch of birds and start a forest fire. You know, the same one that the KING advised you to get rid of because it was dangerous?

Their escort arrives and takes them to AstroJesus’ pad. Phoenix comes out and licks Maya’s face. This makes Joey think of…you guessed it, HOPPY! Remember Hoppy? This is the first time Joey has thought of him in 502 pages. But we still don’t find out what happened to him.

They talk to some people at the farm for a while, pet a baby unicorn, and learn some uninteresting history. Joey decides to name the stables ‘Patmos Stables’ after the monks that used to live there. Never mind what name the dead King AstroJesus might have already given the place.

That night Maya can’t sleep. She decides to visit the unicorns. She puts some boots on and heads outside and frolics around for a bit. Eventually she jumps onto a unicorn’s back, which is really, really hard to do, and goes for a ride. It’s a magical experience. Then she goes back to bed.

The next day Maya and Joey walk out looking for the unicorns and nothing happens for two pages. Eventually the unicorns get back and they all take off. The unicorns agree to take them by the Lake Lagoon when the time comes so they can say goodbye to the mermaids. Then, Fayina offers Maya a ride back to the farmhouse.

No one has ever sat on Fayina’s back before, but Maya smoothed Fayina’s sturdy neck affectionately and jumped on her back. Fayina was shocked for a moment but Maya detected something like a slight smile that flit over Fayina’s face. Maya was gentle and Fayina was patient and both felt good (page 693).

Horses can’t really smile, and if they can, it certainly can’t ‘flit’ over their face. Also, is it just me or is that paragraph awfully suggestive?

Eventually Genarius gets back and says he has something secret to tell them…so secret that they can only discuss it while wearing their Tarnkappes. Maya and Joey go and put on their Tarnkappes and wander around invisible, waiting for Genarius. While they do that, Maya notices General Felipe pull out a little bottle and pass it surreptitiously to one of his officers. This concerns Maya because the bottle looks very similar to the bottle of poison that killed Commander Justin. She sneaks a bit closer and overhears Felipe talking. Out in the open. About committing treason.

Felipe tells the officer to pour the liquid into the glass only if he scratches his right ear with his right hand. And once ‘he’ is dead, they’ll blame the Encouragers, since Joey is next in line for the throne. Maya and Joey will be beheaded and Felipe will take the throne! After they whack Lady Ruchi, of course. Felipe mentions the survivors of the ship crews and says that soon, the officers will be filthy rich. And that is that.

They meet up with Genarius and Joey mentions that the King looks depressed, which is odd, because the King is invisible. Maybe wearing a Tarnkappe means you can see other invisible people. In which case Tesch shouldn’t be saying that Genarius was invisible because he’s not to Maya and Joey.

Joey tells Genarius that he should be very happy because he just had a majestic weeding party. I think you mean “wedding” party, Tesch. A weeding party does not sound very fun at all.

Genarius explains that they still haven’t found the gold transport ships, plus a few shiploads of horses have vanished. It seems like there’s a conspiracy afoot. I’m not feeling a conspiracy so much as the fact that you are AT WAR with people who have MAGICAL POWERS.

Anyway, Ruchi told Genarius that during her weekly tea party she was talking to her friend Ginger, who is friends with Candace, who is Felipe’s wife. I swear I’m not making this up. Anyway, Candace has missed the last few tea parties because she’s away on business in Arkadia…which is where things keep going missing. Objection! Hearsay!

Maya starts firing questions at Genarius, for some reason.

Genarius says that he understands other people well but feels nearsighted around people close to him. He thinks that someone close to him wants him out of the way. Maya then launches into a page long speech about nothing in particular and finished by saying that she and Joey are going to help him stay in power.

Joey starts sputtering and asks how Maya ‘dares’ to talk to the King of Maradonia like that, which is funny for several reasons. First, because nothing Maya said was actually rude, and second, because Joey has said plenty of ruder and dumber things.

They argue for a bit and finally get back on topic. Maya explains that some people have arrived that want to poison him. Tonight, General Felipe will invite them to dinner, have a toast, give one of his ‘loyal captain buddies’ a sign, and they’ll poison Genarius.

Joey looked at his sister and said, “You have told me nothing about these things?”

“You did not ask me.” (page 705)

No shit, Sherlock. Most people don’t randomly walk up to their sister and ask “Hey, just curious: have you overheard any plots to poison the king recently?”

Maya explains what the sign is. Genarius asks why Felipe would want to do something like that. Maya explains Felipe’s complete plan. Joey is horrified.

“Maya… are you sick? How could you come up with such an irrational story?” (page 706)

It doesn’t sound irrational at all. And why, precisely, is anything surprising you? You are wearing a hat that makes you invisible and lets you cross a mile in a single jump. You were saved from being barbecued by an enormous eagle. You’re watching unicorns frolic in a fantasy world. Is it really so fucking hard to believe that someone might want to poison the king and blame you? Really? Really, Joey? Are you that fucking stupid?

Maya explains that Felipe must have stolen the gold because he’ll need it to buy votes in the senate.

“…he needs also the horses for his cavalry to establish a strong foundation for his future administration.” (page 707)

Yeah, that doesn’t make sense.

“Hmm… You have a brilliant mind. Maya! I can see the connections. I’m proud of both of you” (page 707)

Why is he proud of both of them? Joey hasn’t done jack shit.

Genarius finally asks Maya how she knows all this and Maya explains. Then Maya and Joey have a bit of a pissing contest. Joey reminds her not to forget that he liberated the unicorns and the mermaids. Maya says she knows, and that all the girls love him. Joey points out that all the guys love her, including that one captain named Henry.

Ignoring Joey’s questions Maya said sluggishly, “It’s time to go back to the farmhouse.” (page 709)

I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

King Genarius had a great experience during the conversation (page 709)

I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

When they get back Felipe comes out and invites them all to dinner. Cliffhanger!

Drinks: 72

Comment [116]

Chapter Eighty-Three – Deadly Dinner

I think this another great example of the extreme lack of thought that has gone into this book.

Case in point: we know that Felipe plans on trying to poison King Genarius. And now, in the next chapter, which is titled ‘Deadly Dinner’, we get an image of an overturned goblet and Maya’s dog licking it up. Way to spoil the entire chapter for us, Tesch.

On the other hand, I do have to give Gloria credit for murdering a golden retriever in a kid’s book.

The chapter begins with sheer idiocy:

It was indeed a delightful dinner with King Genarius, General Felipe, his two captains and Maya and Joey.

Two servants brought bread and wine and there was an abundance of fruits and juices, poultry, fish platters and desserts, especially for Maya and Joey.

Everybody was very relaxed and happy but Maya watched each and every move around King Genarius like a hawk (page 711).

Okay. Let me get this straight. Let me see if I’m understanding you here, Tesch. What you’re saying is that six people are having dinner. Three of these people are conspiring to commit treason and poison their king. Meanwhile, the other three know that the first three are conspiring to kill one of them, blame the other two and have them beheaded for the crime. This is what is happening.

…and everyone is relaxed and happy? Are you insane, Tesch? Do you not understand even the most basic fundamentals of human emotion? Do you actually think, at all, about what you are putting down on the page?

I know, of course, the answers to these questions are no. But I also know it appears that no less than TWO EDITORS helped Gloria with this crock of shit. How they can stomach writing a positive review and having their names associated with this, I don’t know.

On the other hand, according to Andrew Fisher (Tesch’s webmaster and supposed movie producer) the books are being re-edited so they can be “properly enjoyed”. If that is actually true, I hope Team Tesch reads through these sporkings. Hell, if they just fixed every single problem I’ve pointed out, that will single-handedly make this book a good 400 times better.

In fact, Team Tesch, if you’re reading this, feel free to use these sporkings as a guide to the revision process. You don’t even need to thank me in the acknowledgements, I humbly present these free of charge. Which is a pretty awesome deal, considering that I’ve obviously spent a lot more time critiquing this book than any of Tesch’s real editors did.

Right. So everyone is enjoying their dinner. Joey is surreptitiously feeding bits of his dinner to Phoenix. Genarius gets up to use the restroom, and Maya sees Felipe rub his ear, which is the signal. One of the captains shows Maya and Joey a shiny rock to distract them. Maya pretends to listen but watches the other captain and sees him empty his hip flask into the king’s chalice.

After Genarius gets back, Maya stands up, points out the window, and comments on the new baby unicorn. While everyone’s looking out the window, she switches her chalice and Geniarus’s. And then it’s time for the toast:

General Felipe was now totally excited and he watched maliciously the chalice of the king (page 713).

Please rewrite that sentence, Tesch. Also, feel free to get rid of the ‘totally’, it’s not doing anything for you.

Genarius looks at Maya, who blinks twice, signaling that it’s okay. He chugs his drink and the dinner goes on. Felipe starts getting nervous. He asks Genarius how he feels. Genarius says he feels great and thanks Felipe for dinner.

Maya then ‘accidentally’ knocks her chalice over, spilling the wine on the floor. She doesn’t notice Phoenix walking over to the puddle. Score that a failure on Maya’s part. Phoenix then slurps up all the wine and goes off to his bed. Having owned dogs, I know they are quite noisy when drinking liquid. I’m pretty sure Maya would notice.

The dinner ends and Felipe and his captains take off. Genarius puts on his Tarnkappe and follows them out to eavesdrop. He overhears them talking about what went wrong. One of the captains correctly guesses that Maya must have switched chalices and then spilled her own. Felipe isn’t buying it, though:

“They are teenagers and they have only dumb things on their mind and most of them are not interested in real life. They think only about stupid stuff.” (page 715)

Truer words have never been spoken, Felipe.

The captain, of course, has to retort and explain that these kids are different somehow, that they don’t think about stupid things, and they’re obviously a very powerful combination. Yes…because of their magical Deus Ex Machina powers, not because they’re talented or have accomplished anything through their wits and ingenuity.

Anyway, the conspirators decide to whack Genarius and his new bride when they’re back at the farmhouse.

Tesch throws in a ‘And so it was…’ which serves no purpose. But Genarius has realized that Felipe is a traitor. He walks back inside and finds Maya crying and hugging her dead dog.

Maya gives Genarius a lecture, telling him he needs to use his Tarnkappe more and he also needs to use the ‘Henrietta Mirror’ that AstroJesus gave him.

King Genarius was very disappointed about the fact that one his closest friends and best Generals wanted to kill him and his wife (page 716).

Oh really? Is that a fact?

Genarius packs up, goes home, and explains to his new wife that one of his closest friends wants to murder them both. Tesch informs us that he’s decided that Felipe and his wife Candice are guilty of the gold ships disappearing. Evidence? What’s that?

We cut back to Maya and Joey who bury Phoenix outside the farmhouse. Maya weeps bitterly. Because she deeply loved Phoenix during the half a week total they spent together.

Now…Phoenix was dead and Maya was sad (page 717).

Here’s a tip, Tesch. You don’t need to tell us that Maya is sad. See, we know that her dog just bit the dust, and you showed us that she was crying. Readers, even the dumb ones, can intuitively pick up on the fact that she’s sad. You don’t need to come back and repeat this. Anyone who is capable of understanding the English language will get this.

Joey goes to the unicorns and orders several of the unicorns to come pick up him and Maya and carry them to the Lake Lagoon the next day. That’s right – he orders them. It’s not phrased as a request. Little shit.

The next morning they put saddles [!] on the backs of the unicorns and load them up with supplies. I would love it if they were gored to death immediately afterwards, but no such luck. For no apparent reason, Maya decides to bring the baby unicorn with them, so they do.

Tesch misspells riding as ridding, and off they go. They stop by Selinka and chat with King Genarius, who rambles for a bit about different people they’ve met. The fishermen who tried to kill them back in the day are still around, and their 300 indestructible soldiers are also around.

Genarius also mentions that Felipe and his traitor guards were people who bathed in the pool, which means they’re untouchable by swords or magic. Hmmm. Kind of interesting. So the only real answer here is to imprison them for life. Better yet, lock them up and let them starve to death. Or drown them. There’s a lot of creative ways to kill people. But Genarius has a better idea:

“But you can be sure that we have him and his accomplices under heavy surveillance if you know what I mean.” (page 721)

Well…yes, I do know what heavy surveillance means. But I don’t think Tesch knows what ‘if you know what I mean’ means. Typically, it’s used to denote some additional meaning or connotations beyond what the words themselves mean, especially with sexual innuendos. To quote Monty Python’s Nudge Nudge, if I were to say “Does your wife enjoy photography, eh? Candid photography? Know what I mean?”, obviously I’m not asking about normal photography. I’m – you know what, never mind, everyone who reads this sporking is smart enough to figure this out without me explaining it like I’m talking to a 4-year-old.

Genarius says to keep their eyes focused on the kingdom of light and one day they’ll reach a level and find a door and then they’ll be able to live forever [!!!]. That’s a sobering thought. Genarius also warns Joey that the kingdom of darkness will never stop hunting him until they find him because of the Key to the Underworld. Which is another reason why Joey should have gotten rid of it. Genarius rambles for a bit longer and the mentions that Libertine will contact them back in their world when they’ll need their help again. Remind me…. why are Maya and Joey leaving? What reason is there?

‘Lady Ruchi’ was crying and she was hugging ‘The Encouragers again and again because she loved them from the bottom of her heart (page 722).

They have spent a few hours together. Tops.

Finally they leave.

Drinks: 34

Chapter Eighty-Four – On the Road Again

Maya mentions that she wants to stop by the grill where they were almost barbecued. And yes…it’s time…

“Yeah…that was also the place where I lost Hoppy. I am not sure but I think I lost Hoppy when they lit the wood and the smoke was increasing. Hoppy jumped out of my pocket and ran for his life and… he never returned. I was looking for him and I called him later but then we had to hurry to Selinka and we lost him.” (page 723).

Nice attempt to retcon, Tesch. Here’s a simple fact: when one of your friends disappears, it affects you. Just like food affects your mood. Hoppy was last on-screen on page 183. Five hundred and forty pages ago. He was last referenced on page 280 when Senator Hilton said that AstroJesus knew about Hoppy. And, in all that time, Joey has not thought of Hoppy. Not even once.

He’s a sociopath.

They ride along. Nothing happens. Tesch throws in another And so it was… and then more nothing happens.

They see some fisherman and Tesch mentions that Joey happens to be a superb fisherman. Well of course he is. Anyway, they watch the fishermen and they aren’t using nets…instead they’re lowering boxes into the water. This makes Joey suspicious, but Maya says they’re just putting down lobster boxes. In a freshwater lake. But they move on. Plot point!

They get to the barbecue location and it feels like there’s a weird energy field surrounding the place. The unicorns start freaking out a bit.

Joey started laughing, “Maya look at Fayina she doesn’t like it here.” (page 727)

She is a sentient creature. She can understand you. What the fuck is wrong you, Joey?

Then a bunch of grasshoppers show up. It’s Hoppy! With his wife Lisette and their ten children. Hoppy explains that he took off directly after they were set on fire.

“I really had enough of you…because both of you are ‘walking contagious disasters’.” (page 729)

An apt description.

Hoppy explains that he was chilling out for awhile and then everyone left and he was left behind. Which sounds like his own damn fault, he should have stayed nearby to watch things. Anyway, Lisette came along and they fell in love.

“and here we present to you the results of our love…we have ten children.” (page 729)

Ew.

They have five boys, all named Joey, and five girls, all named Maya. Classy.

They say goodbye to Hoppy and Tesch spends two pages talking about things that have already happened. Eventually they get to the Lake Lagoon.

Joey glanced up at the clouds gathering more and more and he gave Imperator a nudge with his heels. The powerful unicorn tossed his head and broke into a gallop (page 732).

You know, considering the unicorn is sentient and can talk, you could have just said “Hey, how about a gallop?” instead of jamming your heels into his ribs, you idiot.

It gets really foggy. They keep going and they lose Dancer. Guess you shouldn’t have brought a baby unicorn along. Maya searches until she finds Dancer with a sprained leg. How she can tell that from a glance, I don’t know. Maybe she’s also a professional veterinarian.

She saw in Dancers eyes small tears and Maya could see the pain in his face (page 735).

Horses and unicorns can’t cry. And how do you recognize pain in a unicorn’s face?

They put Dancer on Mighty Bronco’s back and later get his sprained leg rapped up. No, not wrapped. Rapped.

Drinks: 44

Comment [47]

Chapter Eighty-Five – Awanata

They’re at the lagoon. Tesch spends some time describing enormous corals that grow in the lagoon.

“The mermaids had told me that nobody really knows what these coral circles were used for, but they said that it might be some kind of temples for worshipping the sun, with big flat altars in the middle of the circles.” (page 738)

That seems oddly specific for something they admittedly know nothing about.

Joey asks why Maya has never told him about this before. Maya says that she has, but he never paid attention. She goes on to say that the mermaids told her a lot of their history. I don’t recall that ever happening. Just to be certain, I flipped back in the book and re-read chapter thirty-one, where Maya is frolicking with the mermaids. Absolutely no mention of any of this. Nor has she ever tried to tell Joey about it.

Maya continues to tell Joey about the perfect rings of coral:

“It seems that they had been carefully placed by astronomical orders and secret knowledge.”

“You sound like a scientist but man… this is cool. ‘The corals are carefully placed… by astronomical orders and secret knowledge’? I don’t know what that means but it sounds awesome!” (page 739)

I’ll let you write your own response to this quote, shall I?

Maya spends another two pages relating mermaid history. There’s an amusing bit about how they would test accused sorcerers and witches by having them wash themselves in moonlight, smear holy oil on their heads, and then stand in front of the coral. If the coral shook, it meant they were guilty and were executed on the spot. I have no idea if this will ever become relevant to the plot, and I suspect it won’t, but I’m holding out hope that Maya and Joey will be accused of witchcraft because of their Deus Ex Machina hats and be executed.

After another page some mermaids show up. And they’ve brought a gift – a couple of seashells. Queen Aquamarisha explains that the shells contain enough air to keep them alive for a very long time underwater. All they need to do is keep some heavy rocks in their pockets to weigh them down. Um. Okay. How, exactly, are they pressurizing the air inside these shells? Shells that, unless I’m mistaken, are not designed to have pressurized air inside them? How are they keeping the pressurized air from just coming out, especially since there isn’t even a mouthpiece for this thing? They just hold the shell up to their mouths and it magically gives them oxygen. I guess that is the explanation – Magic™.

So the Encouragers grab their shells and head into the lagoon. Maya hangs on to Queen Aquamarisha, and she notices that Joey puts his arm around Morgana, the mermaid who has the hots for him [!].

They swim around. It’s not interesting. The underwater city is about 150 feet down. Aquamarisha explains there are dangerous animals around, but they’re safe with their dolphin bodyguards. I wonder how Maya and Joey understand her, considering she’s talking underwater.

Joey asks where all the mermen are. Aquamarisha explains that the mermen only come by twice a year for a couple of parties:

“The ‘Odin October Fest’ is a wild festivity because the ‘Odin Fruits’ in the underwater fruit gardens are ripe. And… when the mermen and the mermaids eat too many of them it gets real wild around here.” (page 746)

If you know what I mean. Maybe next book we’ll get to see one of those wild mermaid orgies. Incidentally, I find it a little odd that the mermaids just happen to have a month called October. Weird, huh?

Anyway, apparently the mermen are lazy and loners and basically goof off all year while the mermaids run the show and protect themselves from wild creatures and fishermen who come and try to capture mermaids to sell them to water parks and aquariums.

Um. Okay. Isn’t this…I dunno, illegal? Maradonia isn’t really that big of a continent, and most of it seems to ruled by Genarius, who respects the mermaids and recognizes them as sentient beings, and the rest is pretty much ruled by Apollyon, who likes the unicorns and at the very least would probably prevent them from being to sold to anyone but him.

Aquamarisha explains that when they see the fisherman, they grab their equipment, disable the rudder of the ship, drill holes into the bottom, and sink it. She then points out the eighty-nine boats that are lying on the bottom of the lagoon. You’d think that would be enough to tip people off that they shouldn’t try to fuck with the mermaids, but apparently not. Because, by a truly amazing coincidence, a fishing boat comes along just then.

Maya and Joey watch as the mermaids do a number on the boat and it starts to sink. The fishermen pile into lifeboats, but Aquamarisha isn’t having any of that. She orders the mermaids to finish them. Except this is Tesch, so it’s actually ‘Finish Them’.

“Finish them?” repeated Maya, “My sweet, little mermaids… oh no… you cannot do something like that.” (page 751).

I don’t think it ever crossed Tesch’s mind that Maya is a teenager talking to adults here.

Aquamarisha correctly points out that if they let the fishermen go, they’d just come back with three ships the next time. The mermaids sink the lifeboats and the sea monsters show up and make mincemeat out of the fishermen in a gruesome and bloody scene that I desperately hope makes it into the movie.

Maya feels bad for the fishermen. I feel no sympathy. They’re kidnappers and slave traders, that’s what they are, and they deserved a watery grave filled with razor-sharp teeth.

Joey says they live in a rather unforgiving world and he’s not sure how they’ll practice the last words of AstroJesus, which were to love their enemies and bless the people who cursed them.

Maya and Joey head back to shore and spent the night with the unicorns, probably soaking wet because they walked into the ocean with all their clothes on.

The next morning nothing happens for awhile. Then a bunch of their men show up. Although only 120 out of the original 317 appear. I really have no idea why these men are suddenly Maya and Joey’s men, or why they’re here with them considering that Maya and Joey are planning on heading back to their own world, but logic really isn’t one of Tesch’s strong suits.

Imperator tells Joey that he has the hots for Fayina. Um. Okay. Unicorn love?

They get ready to leave. Maya meets Morgana and tells her that she thinks Joey is in love with her. That’s terribly romantic. Interspecies love between a mermaid woman and a fourteen-year-old boy. Surprisingly, Tesch actually addresses this. Morgana calls Joey a very handsome man and Maya jumps in and points out that he’s really only a boy. And then we get this gem:

“Who cares….I see him as a man. I see him strong. I see him powerful. He has saved me from the hands of Apollyon and that is all what matters. I owe him and I love Joey dearly and I hope he will never ever leave the lagoon!”

Maya rolled her eyes, “Wait, wait, wait…Morgana… Please!”

“He is my man… Maya, I feel it and knowing now that he loves me I will wait for him forever.” (page 758)

Why did the song Crazy Bitch just come to mind?

Morgana comes back with a pearl necklace with a tiger shark tooth on it. She asks Joey to kneel down [!!!] and look into her eyes [!] because she has a confession to make. Joey doesn’t get it. Morgana explains that she’s in love with Joey. Joey asks Maya what she told Morgana. Maya explains that she thought Morgana should know what Joey’s feelings were. That gossipy bitch. Anyway, Maya tells him to give Morgana a hug and a kiss [!!].

Joey sank into Morgana’s arms and she fell into his arms. She was holding Joey with her strong arms around his neck and kissed him on his cheek.

It seemed that both of them forgot who they were and where they were because they did not stop hugging and kissing each other until Maya said, “That’s enough! We have to go!”

Joey looked at his pearl necklace. “They are so cool!” (pages 759-760)

Propriety forbids me from making any jokes about pearl necklaces – dammit.

Morgana wants to take Joey out and show him an oyster reef, but Joey says he can’t swim that far out. Morgana says he can ride on her back [!!!]. Okay, seriously, Tesch?

Finally they leave. Maya says that she thinks Morgana really likes him. No shit, Sherlock. What tipped you off, the pearl necklace or the ten minutes of making out?

Joey nodded but said with a heavy heart, “Yes…I like her too but the meaning pearls is always a symbol for tears.” (page 761)

The quote is in italics and a huge font, so you know that Tesch is trying for some Subtle Foreshadowing here. Also, pearls symbolize tears? Not according to Google, they don’t.

Drinks: 80

Chapter Eighty-Six – A Magical Hand

Everyone rides along towards the Nissan Falls. Some ravens are stalking them, but Joey doesn’t notice them, of course, because he’s thinking about the beautiful ride on Morgana’s back. Seriously. Not making that up.

It starts raining. There’s some vague talk about how maybe Apollyon conjured up the storm. The raindrops are as big as golf balls. I’m pretty sure that’s not physically possible. Then it stops raining. Everyone dries out. Well that was exciting.

We cut back to Bertha and her sisters, who have arrived back at Apollyon’s pad. Apollyon rants and raves about how he feels, but it can be distilled down to one quote:

“I am so angry about this whole situation.” (page 766)

He calls Maya and Joey ‘Monster Creepers’ and says that he’s had enough and needs to kill them himself. I concur. You know what might have been a good idea, Apollyon? Killing them back when you had their city completely surrounded and had just reduced a tenth of it to rubble.

Abbadon says that the Encouragers must have special powers to have survived for so long. He suspects they have something which makes them invisible. Apollyon and Abbadon walk around and talk and decide that yes, Maya and Joey must indeed have something that makes them invisible. Apollyon orders Abbadon to finish them off, because that worked so well last time. Abbadon heads off, finds Bertha, and orders her to recruit more ravens. How having more ravens will help them, I don’t know. As we know, it’s very easy for Joey to set birds on fire.

Then the chapter ends. So I don’t really know what the magical hand was referring to.

Drinks: 27

Chapter Eigty-Seven – A Mushroom Cloud

Oh shit.

And yeah – it’s misspelled as Eigty instead of Eighty.

Genarius and Ruchi are chilling and talking. Their dialogue is laced with double entendres.

“My dear… if General Felipe would know what kind of powerful equipment Joey has in his backpack… Maya and Joey would never arrive anywhere!”

“My love.. I don’t know what you are talking about and I am not too interested in anybody’s equipment” (page 771).

Good lord.

I mean, yeah this might have flown over a 13-year-old Gloria’s head, but surely one of her editors noticed this? Her parents? Anyone?

Apparently Ruchi’s girlfriends are talking about gold in their letters. Genarius realizes they need to follow the money. Genarius finally explains to Ruchi that Felipe’s a traitor. They spend some time arguing about how much a talent of gold weighs. Genarius says it’s ninety-one pounds, which doesn’t sound like any talents Earth has ever had, but whatever.

Ruchi tells Genarius he needs to get his shit together and start using his Tarnkappe and Henrietta’s Miracle Mirror to spy on people. She even has one of Tesch’s witty little maxims to throw in there:

“Sometimes… my great king… if you have to watch the dogs, you have to lay down with the dogs, even if you will pick up some fleas.” (page 774)

We cut back to Maya and Joey. They arrive at the Valley of Imma and party it up for three days. It’s not very interesting. Eventually Joey gets sick of it and says he’s going to go find an empty field and put the Key to the Underworld out into the sunshine. And…that’s all. No explanation of why he would do something that nonsensical and fucking retarded.

The ravens are watching them. They see Joey waltz off and follow him and see him pull Defender out. It starts glowing. The ravens realize it’s the Key. So they swoop down to see if they can steel the key. Yeah. Steel, not steal. But Joey realizes there’s some ravens swooping at him so he hits the button…and sets the entire goddamn forest on fire for a second time. And…he doesn’t even manage to kill a single one of the ravens.

Give me a second.

chugs bottle

Okay, I’m back. Let me get this straight. Some ravens are flying at you. They’re ravens. They’re birds. You have a sword. You can pull your sword out and chop them into bits, easily. Hell, you could kill them with your bare hands… they aren’t that big. Instead, you pull out a fucking flamethrower and proceed to incinerate an entire forest…and you can’t even hit a single fucking raven?

So some villagers and Maya come and find Joey sitting on a rock.

Maya said, “I don’t believe it! Joey…You did it again!” (page 778)

Yes. Yes he did. This is why you shouldn’t given idiotic fourteen-year-olds incredibly powerful weapons.

Joey explains that it was an accident. Not an excuse. But, uh…

Joey was not really unhappy about the ‘wild fire’ because he wanted to find out if the key to the underworld was still working (page 779).

If someone put me in a room with Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, and Joey, and gave me a gun with two bullets in it, I’d shoot Joey in both kneecaps and then beat him to death with the butt of the gun. That’s how much I hate this little shit.

Anyway. Sagitta shows up and they get on her back.

Drinks: 44

Comment [47]

Chapter Eighty-Eight – World Between the Worlds

Maya and Joey fly along on Sagitta’s back. The eagle rambles for a bit about how they’ve done a marvelous job and the prophecy has come to pass and so on and so forth. And finally Maya asks the question I’m sure has been on all of your minds:

“You know Sagitta, there are a couple of things which we don’t understand. Why did the kingdom of light choose us for this mission…for this extraordinary mission and what is so special with us?” (page 781)

Excellent question, I look forward to an answer.

Sagitta explains that it was the combination of both of them. Maya asks her to elaborate.

“I told you already that both of you are different in many ways but both of you are spiritual and you have an inside antenna for the sound of the ‘vibration words’ and the message of light. Maya has a total pure heart and she moves in faith forward. She had found the path of faith already before she heard the voice of Queen Aquamarisha.”

“And what about me?” Joey asked.

“Joey, you are a ‘pontifex’!” (page 781)

Pontifex is Latin for bridge-builder.

Sagitta explains that Joey is a bridge-builder and a dream and basically he has the ability to create bridges into different dimensions, which is how they found their way into a new dimension. So apparently Joey has this ability to create dimension bridges without even being aware of it. That’s pretty convenient.

Sagitta continues rambling about how they needed each other and never would have made it without each other. So I guess that’s the reason. Joey has mystical dimension-bridging powers and Maya has lots of faith and a pure heart. The novel makes sense now!

The eagle continues talking about how Maradonia exists but it exists in both the fantasy world and the real world at the same time. It’s a real world between spaces. Kind of like C.S. Lewis’ Woods Between the Worlds, remember?

Joey doesn’t get it, but then Maya explains it by repeating exactly what Sagitta said, almost word-for-word, and then it all makes sense. They talk about things all three of them already know and then talk about how they have proof in their backpacks that Maradonia is real. Which is great, except they never doubted Maradonia was real. Besides, if you wanted to know whether or not Maradonia was real, why wouldn’t you just look off the edge of the giant goddamned eagle you’re riding on that is completely covered in eyes?

Sagitta explains there are only a few real daydreamers (people like Joey) born every generation. So yeah…he’s Speshul. Eventually Sagitta drops them off at the swamp of Oraculus and takes off.

Drinks: 29

Chapter Eighty-Nine – The Nine Windows

Oraculus, as you may not remember, is the prophesying toad. He says hello to Maya and Joey and mentions it’s been many years since he’s seen them. Now, while I haven’t gone through and tallied up exactly how much time has passed (that’s a future project), at a guess, I’m going to go with a few weeks, maybe a month, tops. How have years passed? Or is this Tesch trying to say that time travels differently in different locations in Maradonia? I have no fucking idea.

Oraculus spends a page expositing about everything they have done. I know, Tesch. I’ve just read your entire goddamn book, you don’t need to spell out each thing.

Either Maya or Joey says that nobody will ever believe them. Oraculus says they shouldn’t tell them. I actually agree, that’s a good way to get a one-way ticket to padded cells. Wait. Never mind. Tell them! Tell them!

Oraculus then spends the next nine pages talking about everything that is going to happen to them.

Dead serious. Tesch feels like it’s a good idea to have characters spoil everything that’s coming in the next book. Now, I’m not going to go through and analyze every single fucking thing he says, because hell, I’m already committed to sporking Gold of Ophir, but let’s ramble through the highlights:

They’re in a time frame of one time, two times, and half time [???]
Teenagers are teasing them and Joey is angry
Two murderers sitting in a bar called ‘Spelunca’
‘Dominatio’ (a dominatrix? No idea)
Three wise men
The new city of pleasure [!!!]
After Abbadon dies a second time, vultures eat his liver
A gigantic battle for the key to the underworld

I left out a lot, but those are the most interesting bits. Oraculus explains they won’t fit into their old world, and they’ll have to defend themselves from enemies with their supernatural gifts. So I guess in the next book we can look forward to Joey burning down his school with the Key.

Oraculus says they’ll be coming back soon and some other boring stuff until he has an interesting quote:

“The one, who carries the ‘Key to the Underworld’ holds the opportunity to be the next future leader of all nations of the world.” (page 793)

If Joey becomes the leader of the world, I’m going to drink myself into a coma.

It gets better, though:

“This circumstances will lead to a great war in the valley of ‘Harmon Gorgonia’. The horses will walk through a blood level which will nearly reach their bellies.” (page 793)

Yeah, that’s not physically possible, Tesch. You can’t have a valley with two feet of blood. The number of bodies required to produce that much blood would make the valley so thick you couldn’t walk through it.

Oraculus explains that Joey hasn’t realized the full power of the key, which is probably why he’s torched a couple of forests. Maya asks how he will realize the full power.

“Three of his new friends will come and try to kill Joey and to steal the key. Joey will use the weapon for his own protection and defense. He will point the key towards the three men and the heat wave will be so strong that the eyes and tongues of these three men will melt in their sockets before their bodies fall to the ground and disappear. Only a black shadow of dust of these three men will be left over. When Joey will look at the three dust shadows on the burned ground, he will recognize for the first time the full power of the underworld.” (page 794)

Holy shit!

And this series is seriously marketed towards middle readers?

Joey, interestingly, doesn’t even blink at this bit of news.

Oraculus keeps rambling, about crowns and how Joey will get crowned King of the dragons. Good lord. Finally the toad comes out of his trance and doesn’t remember anything he’s said. But he does tell them that he’ll see them again and when they get back they should talk to him because it’ll allow them to get things done a lot faster. Yeah, and it’ll spoil most of the book. Not that you have any readers who actually give a shit, Tesch, but if you did you might want to avoid this.

Anyway. Chapter ends.

Drinks: 55

Chapter Ninety – Tears of Joy

Holy shit, it’s the last chapter!

Maya and Joey walk along. Eventually they find the cave and realize that everything looks very different from when they were last there. They walk through the cave and get lost and find three skeletons and turn around and it lasts for maybe two pages and then they figure out where they are and get back out onto the beach and find Libertine. Libertine reminds them that, like Narnia, one day in their world is like one thousand years in Maradonia.

They walk along, heading home, and decide to test their Tarnkappes. They work and it turns them invisible. Joey is particularly excited:

“This will open many, many different opportunities for us.” (page 804)

Joey is planning on visiting the girls’ locker room at school.

When they get back home they see three police cars parked outside. The cops are on their porch talking to their parents. Their parents explain that their kids been gone all day and they’re very worried and all that.

Maya decides the best option is to just sneak inside, hide all their shit, and go to bed. Joey agrees. They do so and hide their backpacks in their closets under blankets, say hi to their little brother Benji, hop into bed and fall asleep.

Meanwhile, the cop asks their mother if there was any note left in their rooms. The mother says she doesn’t think so, but decides to check. She gets upstairs, sees them asleep, and starts screaming like a banshee. The cops, at hearing her scream, pull out their pistols [!!!] and storm inside. Yeah, no cop would ever do that.

Their father mutters about having been in their rooms dozens of times all day and he never saw them. The cops ask them why their children go to bed fully dressed and wearing dirty tennis shoes. Wait…you mean Maya and Joey were crafty enough to sneak inside and hide everything but not crafty enough to put on their PJ’s? What a bunch of idiots. Their father bails them out, though:

“Yes officer, our children are very special. They do things like that…all the time.” (page 808)

HAHHAHAHAHAHAH.

Amazingly, the cops instantly accept this and take off. Their mother wonders about how their clothes are completely worn out. She mentions that their clothes are ‘lumpen’ (German for rags). But yeah…she doesn’t bother waking them up to ask what the fuck is going on.

Meanwhile, Mr. Perkins the neighbor – you probably don’t remember him, but he was the one who told them about the Pebble Beach in the first place – is standing outside wondering what’s happening. Their father pokes his head out and tells them that everything’s copacetic.

Mr. Perkins was shaking his head and continued, “Man…I am so fortunate that I have no children… because today’s children are strange and different…especially these two kids.” (page 810).

AND THAT’S IT! THE END!!!

Drinks: 15

But, before I officially close this piece out, I thought we should take a little walk down memory lane to recap everything The Encouragers accomplished throughout this book:

Nothing.

I don’t really think I’m exaggerating at all. Now, it’s true that Maya and Joey did do a few things, such as rescuing the mermaids and unicorns from Apollyon’s fortress. However, at that point, they were completely invincible, invisible, and had godlike powers. Nothing could have stopped them. They didn’t need to apply any ingenuity to the situation, it was like taking candy from a baby. They walked into Apollyon’s fortress, noticed a poorly hidden secret exit, collected everyone, and walked out. I doubt they ever even broke a sweat.

The same goes for when they destroyed the Schwarz Pulver Centers. They were invisible and invincible, there was essentially no danger, and it was Genarius’ plan.

Tesch might argue that Maya saved Genarius’ life. I would argue that it was more dumb luck and the fact that Maya has a magical invisibility hat than anything else. Maya did display a little ingenuity in switching the glasses, although that was so poorly written I’m not inclined to give Maya any credit. Plus, she ended up murdering her dog.

Tesch could also argue that Maya and Joey agreeing to be barbecued was very righteous and noble. That’s true, except they had a choice: Fight and die, or surrender and die with the chance that your friends might escape. It’s a lot less noble when you’re choosing between death and death.

That’s literally all they do. Maya and Joey are observers in Maradonia while Sagitta and a couple other magical beings do all the fighting and bail them out when they get themselves into shitty situations. And, of course, in the process Joey starts a couple forest fires. That’s it. The entire effect of The Encouragers in Maradonia was to slightly damage the environment.

These are our heroes.

Three final notes:

It’s been 11 months and 14 days since I began sporking this book.

Throughout the course of this sporking, I have written 64,469 words about this book. That’s right. I have written a novella’s worth of critique of this damn book…and I’m only 1/3rd of the way through the series.

Lastly – as you are probably aware, one of the ways I stayed sane was by turning the book into a drinking game. After I sporked each chapter, I went through counting up all of the errors, such as typos, grammatical errors, formatting errors, incorrect punctuation, incorrect use of quotation marks and italics and boldface, as well as errors and inconsistencies within the storyline. Now that the book is over, I went through and tallied up the total number of drinks to figure out just how many errors are in Maradonia and the Seven Bridges. In my opinion, this is a very conservative estimate – the first several chapters I didn’t even bother tracking half of the errors, and there are a number of problems with the formatting of the book that I didn’t even bother tracking for my drink count. But I have a number:

2,106.

That’s right.

TWO THOUSAND, ONE HUNDRED AND SIX ERRORS.

Even if you wanted to be extremely, staggeringly conservative, and throw out anything that is remotely subjective such as character decisions or perceived inconsistencies in the storyline – and let’s go overboard and say half my drink counts were for that, even though they weren’t…that’s still over 1,000 errors. More than one per page.

I’m not Tesch’s editor, and maybe Tesch likes paragraphs that aren’t indented. But if I were her editor, based on the book I just finished, I would estimate there are over 5,000 individual errors that need to be fixed in that manuscript.

I need to find myself a new hobby.

Oh well. On to Maradonia and the Gold of Ophir!

Comment [132]

Maradonia and the Gold of Ophir

I like Maradonia and the Gold of Ophir’s cover. Instead of getting half a blonde chick who’s very fond of highlights and a half a demented Medusa, we get a pleasant undersea scene with a bunch of poorly drawn hammerhead sharks, half a ribcage, a femur, and five skulls. It’s exactly the kind of appealing image that would draw in those 10-year-old girls we kept seeing in the Maradonia book trailer.

And considering the title is Gold of Ophir and we’re looking at a chest full of gold, I actually have some hope that the cover image is a scene from the book, unlike the first book, where the cover image had jack all to do with the book.

Inside, we still have the enormous font size from the first book, and a new error: the text isn’t centered between the top and the bottom of the page, it’s too high on every page, which makes it look rather ridiculous.

However, from scanning through the text, there are several improvements. Team Tesch has finally figured out that punctuation goes inside the quotation marks, so instead of “What are you talking about”? said Joey, it’s “What are you talking about?” said Joey. Although random italics are everywhere, I don’t see nearly as many ‘unnecessary’ ‘quotation’ marks around random ‘words’. Even the back cover has a nice quote:

The Maradonia Saga is storytelling at its best. A stunning tour de force with a full complement of fast action, gritty realism, powerful characters, brimming treachery, bravery, knowledge, mystery, and magic.

Brimming treachery?

So yeah, there are still some problems.

Here we go!

The Drinking Game:

Take a drink every time…

• Something is unnecessarily italicized or bold, or there are unnecessary ‘quotation marks’
• Tesch says And So It Was…
• Joey acts like a sociopath
• A character launches into a speech for no reason
• Tesch uses German words
• A character explains something to another character that both of them know
• Characters in Maradonia are aware of things that only people from Earth would know
• Maya and Joey are lauded as being geniuses for no reason
• The Powers of Evil refer to Maya and Joey as creepers
• Characters do something that would in real life get them killed but it works perfectly
• The laws the physics are ignored
• A character spews an Ice Cream Koan
• Tesch plagiarizes from another book, with an extra drink if it’s from the Bible
• A sip for typos and grammatical errors

If you can survive to the end of the book without acute liver failure [you won’t].

Here we go!

Recap of Book One:

• Maya beats up a goth and Joey tries to drown his sister. Some doves rescue her.
• On the advice of a creepy old neighbor they go to a forbidden beach and find a cave into Maradonia where they join forces with a wisdom-dispensing grasshopper
• They encounter an evil spider and a poison glitter tree and a fortunetelling toad. King Roach (God) sends an eagle named Sagitta who carries them to Poseidon Rock, where Joey almost drowns due to his own stupidity
• They get lost in the jungle and Joey murders a snake and Maya almost drowns but Joey rescues her
• They meet some crying unicorns and confront an evil creature named Gertrude and almost die but Sagitta and Cato (who we shall call Thor) save them and free the unicorns
• They ride the unicorns over to a valley where everyone greets them as their saviors
• Commander Justin consults a medium and tries to poison Maya and Joey, but Libertine warns them and Justin dies.
• Joey tests the army by starving them. Maya swims with some mermaids
• The Powers of Evil show up and Maya and Joey agree to be barbecued but Sagitta and another chap show up to rescue them
• Some fishermen try to kill them but through a lucky coincidence Joey figures out what’s going on. They befriend the murderous fishermen and Maya gets a free dog
• They arrive at Selinka and party.
• Apollyon has a Club of Evil
• They meet AstroJesus who explains that if they bathe in a pool of blood they’ll become invincible. They do. The Powers of Evil attack and kill a few people because Genarius is a bad general but everyone else is invincible
• Joey gets a Deus ex Machina hat
• They decide to rescue the unicorns and mermaids
• Apollyon sings the Mother Earth Song
• They travel to Apollyon’s fortress and walk inside without a problem. Joey nicks the Key to the Underworld, decides not to help people in Hell, and they help the mermaids and unicorns escape
• Joey starts a forest fire
• Some random guy tries to betray everyone and gets killed. But Abbadon is able to sneak inside the city, fights AstroJesus, and they both die
• Genarius is crowned king. He and Maya and Joey use their magical powers to blow up some bombs in the enemy camp
• Apollyon raises Abbadon from the dead
• Genarius marries Ruchi
• Maya uses her Deus ex Machina hat to discover a treasonous plot to murder Genarius and blame Maya and Joey. Maya foils the plot and her dog drinks the poison and dies.
• They head home, meet up with Hoppy the grasshopper, and watch the mermaids kill some people
• Joey makes out with a mermaid and sets another forest on fire
• They talk to the fortunetelling toad and then go home

Preface

Helpful piece of advice: Your book doesn’t need both a preface and a prologue. In fact, a lot of the time they don’t really need either.

Tesch explains that Maya and Joey realize they aren’t safe anymore when thirteen airships arrive in Oceanside, looking for the Key to the Underworld. Then a messenger arrives asking them to come to the city in Mundan.

Keep in mind that all of this is going to happen in the next few chapters. Tesch is essentially spoiling her book. For reasons I’m not aware of. This is roughly akin to Tolkien beginning The Hobbit:

Preface

Bilbo Baggins, a hobbit, is surprised when Gandalf the wizard and a group of dwarves show up at his house and hire him to accompany them as a burglar to help reclaim their stolen gold from a dragon.

Chapter One

In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit…

It just doesn’t make sense to spoil what’s going happen. Tesch, however, does not seem capable of grasping this rather obvious fact.

Tesch goes on and talks about how last time, they heard about some shiploads of gold disappearing and so on and so forth. Which, fair enough. If she really wanted to include a preface, all it needed to do was state that information. Overall, though, it’s just a waste of a page.

Prologue

Plouton, Apollyon’s younger son, secretly meets up with the two remaining Titans, Orphilios and Marcarios. They’re planning to assassinate Abbadon. Tesch follows this with several paragraphs of description that are actually pretty well-written. So well-written, in fact, that it does not sound like Tesch. For a moment I was worried that Tesch had drastically stepped up her game and wouldn’t be ridiculously easy to mock any further, and then she gets back to her old style a moment later once the dialogue begins. I’m guessing that her editor rewrote that passage. Extensively.

Plouton replied, “I know that this meeting is important for us but why did we meet at this disgusting and stinky place at the end of the world?” (page 3)

Here’s a fun game. Whenever Tesch writes some dialogue, imagine it’s being said by an actor in her movie. For added hilarity, imagine it’s being said by the guy who played Abbadon in her book trailer, ridiculous over-acting and all.

The Titans explain that Plouton just needs to bring Abbadon to this cave, and they’ll forge him into the iron. I’m not certain you can forge a person into iron, as flesh tends to smush when you hit it with a hammer, but okay.

“We will chain him to these fetters and command our vultures to feed only on his liver because his liver will grow back again.” (page 4)

Let’s assume that these vultures are really well-trained and that Abbadon’s liver will actually grow back. Even with those out of the way, I don’t think Tesch has a good grasp of human anatomy. You see, to get at his liver, they’d have to claw or chew their way into Abbadon’s abdomen. Which would kill him. Maybe not immediately, but when you have a gaping hole in your torso, sooner or later it’s going to kill you.

Anyway. Plouton agrees, and that’s the end of that. If this is anything like the last book, this entire scene will show up later in the book, rendering this entire preface pointless.

Chapter One – We Need Results!

Apollyon is raging and very angry because they’ve learned that Maya and Joey (called “ugly creepers” here) have escaped back into their own world. In fact, they’ve even learned that Maya and Joey live in a place called Oceanside, which is pretty impressive.

Abbadon, meanwhile, is quailing under his father’s anger. So apparently Abbadon has suddenly become terrified of his father since the last book.

Apollyon is not particularly happy that they’re still working on finding Maya and Joey’s exact location.

“This is a shame and not a game!” (page 7)

Indeed it is.

The ruler of the Empire of Evil looked downcast and depressed although his powerful voice floated with pressure into the minds of his sons, Abbadon and Plouton (page 7).

Wait. So he’s screaming angry but he also looks downcast and depressed? Which is it, Tesch?

Plouton, however, realizes Apollyon is pissed with Abbadon, and sees an opportunity. He asks Apollyon to put him in charge.

“To you? Why should I give the command of this important rescue mission to you?” (page 9)

Uh…rescue mission?

Maybe they’re planning on rescuing the key?

Plouton explains that he wants to bring in Sutornia and Cassandra, a couple of powerful beings, who can also operate inside Maya and Joey’s world. How Plouton knows this, I have no idea. Apollyon looks at Plouton and suddenly wonders if he’s made a mistake in choosing Abbadon as his heir.

“What a terrifying mistake that would be…” he thought, “Maybe I should have developed over time a better relationship with my young son.” (page 9)

If Tesch is going to have our main villain devote this book to working on his relationship with his son…that would actually be fucking hilarious. You know, Apollyon is actually a much richer, more developed and interesting character than Maya or Joey. We know that he cares about nature, loves unicorns and mermaids, has a fine singing voice, and cares about his sons. Aside from wanting to enslave the world, he doesn’t seem like a bad chap. And his desire to kill Maya and Joey only makes me like him more.

Plouton finishes up his plan:

“We have to involve under all circumstances the principalities Sutornia, Cassandra, and their co-workers and move on as a united power team and not as a one man operation if we want to recover the Key to the Underworld.” (page 10)

Which is all well and good, except the Powers of Evil have never been operating as a one-man operation. Actually, they haven’t been operating as any kind of operation at all. They’re remarkably uncoordinated and mostly tend to march around and randomly attack the good guys.

King Apollyon tossed his copper colored hair off his shoulder with a flick of his head (page 10).

So basically he does this.

That is terrifying.

I am so intimidated by how evil he is.

Anyway. Apollyon thinks this is a great idea. And Abbadon, surprisingly, isn’t bothered at all by his brother butting in and taking charge. Abbadon is totally cool with it. Very mature of him. But, as we know (and as Tesch tells us…again…because we didn’t get it from the last scene of Plouton plotting to kill him) Plouton actually hates Abbadon and wants him to die.

Chapter Two – Flying Objects

Maya and Joey are relaxing and eating dinner with their family while they watch the six o’clock news. Suddenly a breaking news report comes in with a reporter who explains there are thirteen UFO’s hovering over the beach in Oceanside. People at the beach are jumping around screaming about how the aliens are visiting them.

Then one of the UFO’s comes down to a hundred feet up, a trapdoor opens, and two figures get out and hover in midair. They float away towards Oceanside. Everyone is shocked because the creatures don’t have any heads.

Personally, this wouldn’t bother me much, because they’re aliens. Why should we expect them to even have heads where we have heads? And even if they don’t have heads, who cares? They’re aliens! That just makes them even cooler.

Then, a bit later, they see the creatures are carrying their heads in their hands. Awesome! But for some reason this freaks everyone out even further.

Maya and Joey quickly confer. Joey says the airships have to be looking for them to try and recover the Key to the Underworld. Yeah. The key that Genarius told you to get rid of? That one.

Their parents reassure them that it’s just a hoax or atmospheric light reactions. Maya and Joey pretend to believe them, but then a news anchor comes on and assures everyone that it’s not a hoax, that the Air Force has been summoned, but whenever they get close the UFO’s vanish.

Maya and Joey head up to the attic to have a talk. Joey exposits:

“We have to sleep with our Tarnkappes on because the rulers of the Evil Empire might feel our presence, but they cannot detect us.” (page 17).

So…correct me if I’m wrong…but isn’t feeling someone’s presence kind’ve the same as detecting them? Also, if you’re sleeping with your Tarnkappe on, isn’t there a chance one of your parents might come in to wake you up in the morning and see an invisible shape lying under the covers?

Maya explains that their parents think she might be ill because apparently Maya hasn’t adjusted to living on Earth.

“Like last week, Mom asked me if I wanted to drive to the grocery store with her and I answered, ‘Did our servants prepare the unicorns for the trip?’” (page 18)

HAHAHAHAHAHAH.

I wasn’t actually sure just how long they’d been in Maradonia on their first trip, so I went back through Maradonia and started counting it up. It was pretty difficult, because it’s evident that Tesch did not pay attention to how long this would actually take. Accordingly, there isn’t any clear passage of time. In fact, I think that the first 26 chapters all take place on the same day, which is pretty difficult, considering how much happens, but Tesch never describes the day passing or Maya and Joey sleeping anywhere. It’s just daytime, from chapter to chapter.

Tesch also doesn’t give accurate time frames, opting for lines like “They rode for a long time”, but from my best estimate, they spent 59 days in Maradonia.

Two months.

And they were made Prince and Princess 44 days into their trip, so they only spent TWO WEEKS as royalty…and at least half of that time they were by themselves. And yet Maya is so used to living with servants and riding on unicorns that she isn’t able to adjust to being back home? Somehow I have a hard time believing that. It might be plausible if Maya had spent six months being waited on hand and foot, and even then it wouldn’t feel realistic. Humans are actually pretty adaptable, it doesn’t take very long to settle into a new routine. Yeah, the first couple days back home would be kinda weird, but after that Maya would adjust back to her normal life…which she has spent fifteen years living, rather than two weeks in Maradonia.

Anyway. As Maya and Joey are talking, their mother comes up and she overhears Joey whispering about all the shit they brought back with them and how Maya is really the Princess of Maradonia. This confuses her, so she decides to figure out what’s going on.

Oh no!

Drinks: 25

Comment [97]

Chapter Three – Which World is Real?

Uh…the one you’re living in?

It’s stormy out.

It was not a surprise for the psychic community that the mighty principalities Sutornia and Cassandra had visited Oceanside in person for a special meeting. The news of their arrival had spread like wildfire, especially after they had performed one of their famous illusion shows at the beach (pages 20-21).

Okay. Let me see if I understand this. These magical creatures travel back and forth between Maradonia and the United States all the time. They’re friends with the ‘psychic community’, and famous for their illusion shows where they carry their heads in their hands. Sounds good.

Sutornia and Cassandra invite the psychic community to a secret midnight meeting at the Panorama Ravine. We learn that back in the day, the psychic groups used to sacrifice animals there and it’s all very secretive and hush hush, which is why Sutornia and Cassandra appeared in broad daylight and let themselves be seen which would basically put the entire world on high alert. But essentially, they sound like some kind of secret cultlike society. They’re probably Evil, too.

Maya and Joey go to school and Maya drifts away in her head, thinking about Maradonia. They have a substitute in her math class and she’s daydreaming and not paying attention:

Suddenly a harsh voice startled Maya, “What do you think you are doing?! Are you sleeping? I will make a report to your teacher. What is your name?”

Maya opened her eyes, jumped up from her seat and answered with the voice of a commander, “I am Maya, the Princess of Maradonia! How dare you talk to me? Don’t you know that I belong to the royal family, and that the airships over Oceanside are looking for me…?” (pages 22-23)

I already spent way too much time in the last chapter going over why this is stupid. She was royalty for TWO WEEKS.

More importantly, even in the context of the scene it doesn’t make sense. How dare you talk to me? What, Maya’s become such a bitch that commoners aren’t allowed to speak to her? What difference do the airships make? How are they even related to this line of conversation?

Anyway. It’s quiet enough to hear a pin drop, the substitute teacher goggles at her, and then everyone bursts out laughing.

A compelling thought hit Maya’s mind at that moment, “Which world is real?” (page 23)

That’s compelling, all right.

The teacher yells at them all to shut up and writes Maya up. But Alana Terrence looks over at her best friends, Tanya and Dorothy, and says it’s time for their revenge.

The two girls nodded, grinned and giggled, “Yes…sweet revenge!” (page 24)

I hope that line makes it into the movie.

Chapter Four – One Finger for Each of Us…

After lunch Alana grabbed the hands of Dorothy and Tanya and said “You heard with your own ears what Maya said in the classroom. She thinks that she’s better than us!”

“Yes,” said Dorothy, “she told the whole class that she is ‘The Princess of Maradonia and that she belongs to a royal family’. At the end she expects us to serve her.”

Tanya got really pissed off and said “We will show that piece of crap what she really is!” (pages 25-26)

There are only two ways any high schooler would take that situation:

1. Maya is completely insane
2. Maya is screwing around and making fun of the substitute teacher

And unless Maya was literally retarded or had a history of being bipolar, I’m guessing 90% of the time the class is going to go with #2. Which it sounds like they did, considering they all burst out laughing. The one conclusion people would not draw is that Maya is being serious, and think she’s better than them. And where would Dorothy get the notion that Maya expects them to serve her?

We cut over to Maya who is hanging out with her friend Rachel. Rachel is telling her about this boy Patrick. Apparently they went out to the Fun-day Arcade (yes, that’s what it’s called) and they kissed behind the roller coaster! But Maya has been daydreaming about the mermaids and hasn’t paid any attention to her. Rachel is pissed off and runs off. Maya follows slowly, heading towards the bus stop, but she’s intercepted by Alana and her friends, who slide their hands into studded gloves [?].

They then proceed to beat the shit out of her.

Maya, who as we know is a ‘black belt’ in karate, goes down immediately without a fight. They beat her until she’s unconscious and then continue to kick her with their boots [!]

I can’t help but think Gloria was drawing on her own experiences here.

Tanya realizes Maya is bleeding profusely and says they need to stop.

bq.But Alana said, “No Tanya, we want to finish this job.”

“Are you crazy?! Do you wanna kill her!?”

Alana’s smile grew wide, “Yes!” (page 28)

Holy shit! This kid is a psychopath.

Dorothy and Tanya drag Alana back, but she decides to get the last word in. She sees Maya’s hand lying on the ground so she stomps on until three of Maya’s fingers are broken [!!!] and yells “One finger for each of us!”

Well. That was a nice graphic scene for the book’s young readers.

Turns out a kid named Freddy was sitting in a tree and sees the whole thing. He pisses himself in terror and falls out. Alana grabs him and says if he tells anyone, they’ll do the exact same thing to him. Freddy runs for his life, and the three members of the Gothic Movement waltz off.

So yeah. That pool Maya bathed in that made her indestructible? Doesn’t work.

Chapter Five – Two men In the Water

Maya doesn’t meet Joey at the bus stop. He gets a Feeling that something is wrong. So he looks around for a bit and happens to run into Freddy, who looks like he just had the piss scared out of him. Joey asks him if he’s seen Maya and Freddy says she’s out in the park. Joey heads outside and finds Maya’s body lying there, covered in blood. Fortunately, Mr. Hazelnut, the science teacher, happens by and calls an ambulance. Joey rides to the hospital with her.

We jump over to Maya’s mind and she’s having a vision where she’s on the ocean shore and sees some men in the water hanging on to some planks. They’re screaming desperately for help and saying that everyone else had been killed.

Finally the vision ends but it’s burned into Maya’s unconscious mind.

File that one under ‘obvious foreshadowing’, I guess.

Chapter Six – Never Again…

They reach the hospital and a nurse and an overweight administrator start asking Joey questions he doesn’t know the answer to. I don’t know why Maya specifically noted that he was overweight, but I suspect it’s because her father’s a doctor and she’s probably basing the character on someone she knows, which amuses me.

On the other hand, you’d think that Maya’s father being a doctor would prevent ridiculous errors like this one: without treating Maya at all, they just stick her in a private room by herself. Uh, no. They keep you in the emergency room for at least a little while, and by ‘little while’, I mean a good four to five hours. Minimum. Anyway, this entire scene is only to highlight that Maya was put in room 333.

When Joey saw that they brought his sister to room 333, he smiled and he thought about the golden City Hall of Selinka, the capital of the Land of Maradonia with its 333 steps…(page 36)

Your sister was just beaten within an inch of her life…and you’re smiling and thinking about Maradonia?

Sociopath.

The doctor shows up eventually and Joey has to wait outside. He drifts off and starts thinking about the time he was in Hell and people were screaming for water and he didn’t do jack shit, except without any guilt.

Meanwhile, a chap called Dr. Harrison shows up and he and a nurse take care of Maya and do x-rays. Turns out Maya is in Bethesda Hospital, which is a real place in Florida. Later, Maya’s family shows up, and the doctor confers with them and explains there was no internal bleeding, the bruises and cuts will heal, and they’ve put her left hand into a cast. The problem is her hand is pretty bad and she’ll probably never be able to make a fist again.

Maya’s mom cries and her dad and Joey want to know who did it to her. Maya can’t remember.

“Whatever it takes, I will find out who beat up my sister Maya,” Joey whispered to himself. “I will surely find these individuals…and then, I will perform for them an illusion show they will never forget.” (page 40)

Uh…okay. An illusion show. Scary!

Her family leaves to give Maya some rest and Maya thinks about how she needs to take some self-defense lessons from the warrior spirits of Maradonia because her karate isn’t cutting it. I would agree.

Suddenly Libertine shows up and smiles at Maya through the window, which is weird because birds can’t smile. Libertine flies away and finds Joey and launches into a long explanation. The Land of Maradonia needs their help!

Joey is annoyed and yells that he has bigger fish to fry, since Maya is hurt. Libertine has the perfect answer:

“I understand you Joey…healing is a process!” (page 42)

Libertine continues. Turns out Plouton has arrived and is searching for Maya and Joey. Tomorrow is the secret meeting at Panorama Ravine, which Libertine knows because she knows everything. Apparently the psychics are preparing a Dance Fest with animal sacrifices to honor Plouton, and this is also where they’ll get the final clue to track down Maya and Joey. Libertine warns him that he needs to start using his Tarnkappe. Joey agrees and then his parents holler at him because they need to leave. Um…okay, where was the part about Maradonia needing their help?

When Joey stepped into the car his mother gave him a peculiar look and uttered “I had the feeling that you were talking to a bird.” (page 43)

Which, fair enough, but uttered?

Joey, of course, takes it a step further:

“Yes Mom, I did! I talk all the time to birds, grasshoppers, snakes and many other different animals and believe it or not…they talk to me!” (page 44).

Smooth. Although his parents don’t believe him, so maybe Joey was just being sarcastic.

Drinks: 23

Comment [57]

Chapter Seven – Puzzle Pieces

Joey hasn’t slept well, so he gets up early. He’s been thinking back to that dreadful experience where he was almost barbecued. It’s a horrible memory and it makes him sit up bathed in sweat.

He doesn’t feel like eating breakfast. He heads out to school, puts his Tarnkappe on, and manages to slip onto the bus while invisible, which sounds pretty difficult. He stands in the back of the bus, invisible, listening to the conversation. In an amazing coincidence, he overhears Freddy (the kid who saw The Gothic Movement, which would be a great name for an emo band) telling one of his friends about how nervous he is going to school because of the bullies who might do something to him because he happened to see what they did to ‘that girl’. When his friend presses him for details, Freddy says he can’t talk about it. Well, of course he can’t. That’s why he just explained to everyone who was listening that he knows who beat the shit out of Maya.

Tesch explains that Freddy’s friend doesn’t realize what’s going on, which means he’s a fucking idiot. However, Joey realizes that Freddy must be talking about the people who beat up Maya. He immediately jumps to the conclusion that Alana Terrence must be one of the guilty members.

He starts thinking about and addressing Libertine in his mind, because Libertine told him not to let anger rule his intellect. Which is a good piece of advice, but this is Joey we’re talking about here.

“I hate to say it, Libertine, but even the word ‘revenge’ doesn’t sounds good enough to me…maybe the word ‘punishment’ is a better description…Libertine, I feel deep in my heart that punishment is a far better word than revenge and heavy punishment is even better.” (page 48).

Apparently Tesch has never looked up the definitions of these words because revenge and punishment are practically the same thing. The only real difference is that punishment sounds righteous, or justified – the more even, measured response – whereas revenge sounds like something you exact not because it’s what is deserved, but because you want to make someone suffer for what they’ve done, or possibly to make yourself feel better.

I find it amusing that Joey thinks punishment is the word he wants to use, considering he’s about to become a vigilante. If he really wanted to get Alana Terrence punished, he would have turned her in to the principal, or better yet, the police. Instead, he’s going to take matters into his own hands. Now, I’m not saying that Alana doesn’t deserve this, because she’s obviously a complete shit, but at the same time, I wouldn’t rely on Joey’s opinion for anything.

Joey sneaks around until he finds The Gothic Movement. Tanya is expositing to the others that they shouldn’t tell anyone what has happened. No shit, Sherlock. Alana Terrence agrees:

“We know Tanya! You must not teach us,” answered Alana, “we know what to say! But listen to me! Do you remember the statue of the three monkeys on my book shelves? One of the monkeys has his hands over his mouth… the other one covers his ears… and the third one his eyes. We have not heard, seen or said anything… Is that understood?” (page 49)

Apparently Gloria Tesch (and Alana Terrence) has this on her bookshelf:

I’ve mentioned this before, but it bears repeating. Tesch has an uncanny ability to write atrocious dialogue. Now, dialogue is hard to write, and a lot of authors struggle with it. Robert Stanek, for example, writes dialogue that’s awkward and stilted. Tesch does as well, but she’s even more fond of writing dialogue that’s just bizarre. Like this bit, after Dorothy asks Alana if Freddy will talk.

“What about him? Please, wake up, Dorothy, and understand, if I just look at this boy… he pees in his pants. Forget about him. I will take care of him when I see him at lunch. Believe me; he will be silent like a lamb in front of his butcher!” (page 49)

That metaphor isn’t really working for me.

This convinces Joey that Alana and her friends beat up Maya, so he heads off to class. I’m not really sure why. Since he’s invisible, he won’t get credit for being there, so he might as well just play hooky for the day.

The teacher gets up and starts talking about the UFOs that are hovering above Oceanside.

“It seems that we are visited by some celestial powers” (page 50).

I have no idea where the celestial powers idea came from or why this teacher thinks it belongs in a classroom. But fortunately, the teacher is interrupted:

At this moment the assistant principal of the school, accompanied by a bold gentleman with mustache and bushy eyebrows, and a female police officer who looked more like an actress in uniform than a cop, entered the room (page 50).

If you’re wondering if this fact will become significant later…no, it won’t.

The assistant principal introduces the cops, and explains they’re there to ask some questions. The detective, Charles Rosenberg, has puppy dog eyes. That is literally what the book says. He asks them if they know anything about what happened to Maya.

“It is a fact that somebody from this school attacked her on her way to the school bus.” (page 51)

No, it isn’t. Anyone could have walked onto school grounds and attacked Maya.

The female officer who apparently looks like an actress explains that the guilty parties might be charged with attempted murder and get long prison sentences. There’s a long silence. Tanya twitches a bit but Alana gives her a look. The detectives don’t notice. They’re pretty bad at their job.

Finally a kid named Jason gets up and says that he doesn’t think anyone knows what happens to Maya, but he does know that Maya had an argument with their math substitute. He explains that Maya had rambled about being a princess of either Macedonia or Maradonia and that the airships were looking for her. This makes the detectives wonder if the whole situation is connected to the UFO’s over Oceanside.

Chapter Eight – The Haunting

This picture amuses me.

Joey is pissed off. He sneaks out of the classroom to the restrooms and turns on all the faucets. Instead of the water going down the drains, this starts flooding the school. He then steals some paint from the art room and adds it to the water, which makes it look like blood. Apparently.

Eventually, the period ends and everyone spills out of their classrooms and many people are delighted. Interestingly, the fact that someone has flooded the school with paint and water doesn’t bother anyone or even interrupt classes. Everyone just moves on to their next class….including The Gothic Movement.

Alana heads back to her locker to grab one of the books she forgot. Meanwhile, Dorothy and Tanya suddenly realize that someone has written ‘There is a heavy price to pay’ all over their desks. That actually sounds like something that would be difficult to miss. It makes them scream like banshees.

Alana comes back and Joey decides it’s a good time to start fucking with them. So he starts making random things in the classroom move and chucking chairs through windows. Everyone panics and starts screaming in terror. Well done, Joey.

Joey writes ‘There is a heavy price to pay for what you did to Maya!’ on the chalkboard, which is an interesting choice of words. I’d go for ‘I’m here to get revenge for what you did to Maya’ or something along those lines.

The Gothic Movement think they’re being visited by aliens and freak out a bit. The teacher, meanwhile, has had a heart attack [!!!]. So, after all this, after their classroom turned into a set piece from The Frighteners… everyone just goes on to their next class.

The Gothic Movement meets at lunch and they’re all exhausted, so at least this has affected them a bit. Alana says there was something Evil in the classroom…but she has the answer! She has a Ouija board at home!!!

Yeah. A Ouija board.

Suddenly Alana falls to the ground. Turns out it’s Joey, invisible, who has grabbed Alana by her shoelaces [???] and drags her through the cafeteria, banging into tables and garbage cans which spills food and drinks all over Alana’s outfit. Alana screams for help but nobody helps her. Tanya and Dorothy are too afraid:

They were shivering, screaming and clutching each other and were on their way to the brink of a mental breakdown (page 60).

The rest of the kids are laughing at Alana, which is a totally understandable reaction. I mean, if UFO’s were hovering over my hometown, the school was mysteriously flooded, and then chairs started randomly flying through windows, and then a girl started being dragged around the school by mysterious unexplained forces, I would think that was hilarious. I wouldn’t even be remotely concerned for my own safety.

Joey whispers in Alana’s ear that he’s only getting started with her. Then he takes off, takes his Tarnkappe off, and waltzes back into the lunchroom and plays dumb. He watches with interest as the detectives come in, along with a camera crew from a local television station, and start investigating everything that has happened, including how the teacher’s desk and laptop both got stuck in the drywall. They really want to talk to the teacher, but….

It was not possible for them to interview him because he was already on his way to the emergency room of the medical center with a second heart attack (page 62).

Ignoring the fact that Tesch assumes her readers are too stupid to figure out what ‘emergency room’ means, let’s move on to the next page:

Joey, who had watched the development in the school with great satisfaction and interest (page 63).

Yeah. It doesn’t bother him at all that he gave a teacher a heart attack.

Chapter Nine – The Fourth Dimension

Joey and Libertine visit Maya in the hospital. It isn’t explained how a dove got inside the hospital. Maybe there wasn’t a screen on the window.

Joey explains that he figured out Alana, Dorothy, and Tanya were guilty, and he’s punished them. Well, technically he only punished Alana, and all he did to her was scare the shit out of her…

Libertine jumps in with an Ice Cream Koan.

“ ‘Tough times never last…but tough people do!’” (page 65)

Speaking from personal experience, that’s bullshit. Tough times can last for years.

Libertine explains that Maya and Joey are very tough people, and they’ve been exposed to the supernatural.

“You have seen, touched, and even tasted the supernatural.” (page 65).

What?

No, seriously, what? They’ve tasted the supernatural? When, precisely, did that happen? When Justin tried to feed them poisoned mangos (which they didn’t eat)? When Felipe tried to poison Genarius (which didn’t work)? When they bathed in the pool of blood? Okay, maybe they were opening their mouths while in the pool of blood and that’s how they’ve tasted the supernatural. Although Tesch never said that they did.

Libertine explains that their world is the Third Dimension, but soon they’ll enter the Fourth Dimension, which most people on Earth have never experienced because they’re ‘consumers’. She adds that there are actually up to seven dimensions, but she doesn’t have the words to properly explain them. She tells Maya and Joey that they need to open their hearts and minds up to new things. They also need to visit her friend Dominatio, who lives on Villusio Island, and will show them the entrance to the Fifth Dimension.

Joey got a little nervous and said “C’mon, Libertine. Talk to us in a language which we understand.” (page 66)

You know, there are plenty of people who might not fully understand what she just said, but most of them wouldn’t openly announce their ignorance. I don’t think this makes Joey a smart or humble person, though. I think he’s just an idiot.

Joey doesn’t want to talk about dimensions because Maya is injured, but Libertine explains that they won’t be able to fulfill their assignments in Maradonia unless they properly understand the dimensions. Maya then pipes up and asks what a dimension is.

Libertine answered with a smile of an educator, “Maya, it is so good to hear your voice. Listen… a Dimension is a measurement of understanding and knowledge in one certain direction.” (page 67)

That’s one of the strangest definitions of dimension that I’ve ever heard. Tesch doesn’t let up. Libertine explains that the coordinates and dimensions determine a position of knowledge, whatever that is.

“One of the elements can create a complete personality or entity. It is difficult to understand, I know, but when you start thinking and living in the Fourth Dimension, it creates a hunger within you and your soul will start to cry for more knowledge as the Majestic Deer of Maradonia cries for the fresh water at the Mara Lake.” (page 68)

Um…okay then. That’s another line taken from the Bible – Psalms 42.1, to be exact – “As the deer pants for the water brook, so pants my soul for you, O God”. It’s ridiculously out of place here.

Also… The Majestic Deer of Maradonia? Sounds like a song title…

It turns out that Genarius’ enemies are getting stronger, including Felipe. Libertine says it’s a lot like things back when AstroJesus was fighting the Freedom Fighters, a reference which would make a lot more sense if we had any fucking idea what that meant.

Apparently, some assassins have killed seven city hall elders, and Senator Hilton and Judge Kingston have both narrowly escaped death.

Libertine paused again and continued, “Maybe you forgot that the time table in the Land of Maradonia is different. Time goes by much, much faster than in your world.” (page 69).

Right. So here it’s much, much faster. It’s obvious that Tesch was just going for a Narnia/Earth situation where the times don’t match up and there’s no discernible way to understand or track it. Being a poor writer, she’s not able to elucidate this, which led to the whole 1 day/1,000 years thing. At a guess, about a year has passed in Maradonia.

Libertine explains that Lady Ruchi popped out a couple twins named Nodin and Michael. Great names. Ruchi then died of Puerpural Fever. A short while later Nodin dies as well. Genarius is, of course, very depressed. He can’t trust anyone, and he needs Maya and Joey to show up and save the day.

Maya starts sobbing and Joey has to wipe away tears. I assume this is for the death of Ruchi, since they did know her for at least a week, and probably even had a conversation or two with her.

Joey nodded and said “I understand. When Maya feels a little better, we will be ready, willing, and able to help our king and our baby brother Prince Michael.” (page 70)

Uh….your baby brother? He’s not related to you. They weren’t adopted. They were made prince and princess, but at the time it seemed more like an honorary title. Even if it wasn’t, that doesn’t make Michael their brother. It makes him a threat to their crowns.

Libertine says she’ll bring Maya some healing balm leaves and then she and Joey take off. Joey stops by a mall and buys some bigger backpacks [?] clothing [?] flashlights and batteries (okay) a pink parka for Maya [???] and a gyrocompass [wtf]?

Okay. Fine, they need bigger backpacks. Flashlights, why not. But I’m pretty sure they already have clothes…you know, the ones their parents bought them? Also, a pink parka is a really dumb color to choose when you’re sneaking around and people want to kill you, although I guess Maya has a Tarnkappe. But….a gyrocompass? I’m not going to lie, it would probably be moderately useful, although probably not much more useful than a compass you can buy for $10. The kicker? Gyrocompasses are really, really expensive. The cheapest one I found on Amazon.com costs over $600.00, and elsewhere it seems like the cheapest available run a good $550. Not to mention that most malls aren’t going to have stores that sell gyrocompasses.

Whatever.

Drinks: 52

Comment [45]

Chapter Ten – The Midnight Dancers

Sutornia and Cassandra have warned the psychic leadership not to invite any guests, unbelievers, or critics of the psychic community to this special meeting, because they might die of a heart attack.

The meeting was for insiders of the psychic congregation only and the warning was so severe and creepy that it would send shivers up the spines of even the most potent psychic leaders (page 73).

Sounds terrifying. Actually, it sounds like a rumor that the psychic leaders would laugh off as a dramatic effect. Then again, I still find it stunning that there’s a huge, thriving psychic community in Oceanside. Whatever a psychic community is.

Sutornia and Cassandra, who am I hereby abbreviating to Suttie and Cassie, have explained what rituals they should perform to honor Plouton:

They should bring thirteen healthy pigs, just over the age of one year, three goats, twelve chickens and three roosters for the animal sacrifice, and sprinkle the blood of these animals over the whole congregation (page 73)

Holy shit!

The fresh blood of the pigs had to be sprinkled on every attendee of the meeting from the top of the head, then over the face, the hands, the body and down to the naked feet (page 73).

Seriously, holy shit! Setting aside the squick factor in a book aimed at young children, there hasn’t been any signs that the Powers of Evil believed in or used animal sacrifices at any point throughout the first book. Although they do believe in human sacrifice…

Tesch spends half a page explaining why the Panorama Ravine is the perfect place for such activities, because it’s so remote, and then we’re back to Plouton, who is hunting Maya and Joey. He isn’t able to find them because there are so many humans around and he needs the help of the psychic community. Which is strange because it seems like Plouton, Suttie, and Cassie are far more powerful than any of the psychics in Oceanside.

People arrive at the Ravine early to set up. They slaughter the goats, mount their heads on poles, and put the poles in a huge triangle around the ravine. I really hope this scene makes it into the second movie.

We go back to Joey, who puts on his Tarnkappe and follows Libertine to the ravine. They hide in a pine tree nearby with a good view of the proceedings.

Joey wondered and said, “I did not know that Oceanside had such a large group of psychics in the area.”

“Joey, they are everywhere in your world… in great numbers.” (page 76)

Spooky! And it’s also very clever of Tesch to not give a specific name to this so-called psychic community, so I can’t do two minutes of research and point out that they aren’t really that large.

Before long all the psychics are screaming and dancing and completely out of control. Suttie and Cassie have touched everyone on the forehead and sprinkled them with pig’s blood. Now their bodies have started changing:

Joey swallowed hard and his chin quivered when he observed from his position behind the pine tree, that the bodies of the dancers changed their appearance.

Their human bodies changed into the bodies of animals…pigs…the closer the midnight hour came. Joey held his breath (page 77).

Okay then….

The moon reaches its zenith and silence falls. And suddenly it’s just a herd of pigs staring at Plouton, who appears from nowhere. Yes. They changed everyone into pigs.

Joey looked at Libertine and said, “What a scary guy. He reminds me of one of the scarecrows we saw when we crossed the pumpkin fields.” (page 78)

That’s not a scary image, Tesch.

Plouton gets up and launches into a speech about how typically, the psychic community relies on Suttie and Cassie for help, but now they have a chance to return the favor. He explains that Maya and Joey have the Key to the Underworld. The pigs grunt in response. Plouton explains that he’s invited them all because one of them might be able to help him find them because they live in the city. That’s right. He’s not planning on using the collective psychic powers of everyone there to locate Maya and Joey. This entire thing was arranged just to see if one of them happened to know Maya and Joey personally.

And if that was the case, why the fuck did they bother with the whole blood and pigs ceremony? Wouldn’t it be easier, faster, and less noticeable to just call people on the phone and ask them?

But sure enough, one of the pigs is Alana Terrence’s aunt, who explains (because she can still talk in English…which Plouton understands) that there was a girl named Maya who attends Oceanside High School and was proclaiming herself a princess in the middle of the class. And we finally have an explanation for why Maya experienced her whole ‘episode‘.

Plouton is delighted. He exposits that they’ll visit Oceanside High School the next day and take care of them. Suttie and Cassie serve the pigs a Wasabani Drink which makes the pigs delirious and then they start floating. Seriously.

It was absolutely unheard of and an unusual spectacle to observe a whole herd of flying pigs in the air… (page 81)

No shit, Sherlock?

But just in case we didn’t get it, Tesch explains further:

The fact was that the congregation of psychics had changed into animals, and were now dancing in mid air around the fire place, but only inside the borders of the goat head triangle…like inside of a strong magnetic field (page 81).

I’m pretty sure magnetic fields don’t work that way. Still, this is a scene that makes me really hope it makes it into the movie.

Libertine tells Joey he should probably leave and pack stuff for Maradonia. Instead of going to school the next day, he needs to get the Tarnkappes and head for the hospital. Libertine will meet him there, but first she needs to fly back to Maradonia and get the Healing Leaves from the Trees of Healing that grow on the Jivin Hills.

Well. That was an…odd…chapter.

Chapter Eleven – Impersonators

Two beautiful women (Suttie and Cassie) show up at the school and explain to the principal, Dr. Schneider, that they’re here to investigate the ‘Maya case’. Dr. Schneider is so captivated by their beauty that he doesn’t bother to ask them for their credentials, or wonder why they refer to it as the ‘Maya Case’, and don’t know Maya’s last name, or which hospital Maya is at. Fortunately, he does know that Maya is in either the Oceanside Foundation or the Bethesda Hospital and she’s in room #333. He also explains that Joey is at school and is just around the corner in class….

They head to Joey’s classroom but he’s not there and pretty soon Schneider realizes that Joey is playing hooky. Suttie and Cassie are disappointed and ask Schneider for Maya and Joey’s last name, street address, and telephone number. Incredibly, even this doesn’t tip Schneider off as being the slightest bit odd. They also want to interview Alana Terrence. Schneider intercoms Alana to his office and starts pulling up Maya and Joey’s information.

When Alana arrives, Schneider explains that the two ladies are from the school board administration. Wait. Okay, that would explain why Schneider isn’t surprised by them knowing nothing about the ‘Maya case’, but he’s the principal of the school! You’d think he’d be able to recognize the school board administrators, considering he works with them!

I guess Tesch truly believes that a couple pairs of breasts can reduce a man to a stammering idiot, which may or may not be true, but I’m pretty sure it can’t do it to the extent here.

Alana says she has nothing to do with the ‘Maya Case’. Suttie explains that she heard from Alana’s aunt that Alana has a rivalry with Maya.

“No…that is not true! It is a big fat lie!” (page 87)

Alana, showing far greater presence of mind than Schneider, demands to see some credentials if this interrogation is going to continue. Schneider shuts things down, though, and says it was just a simple question. Alana gets sent back to her class.

Schneider finally pulls his head out of his ass and asks to see some ID. Things escalate quickly.

“We are not hostile Dr. Schneider, and at the moment we are still talking very friendly with you. We are asking nothing big from you…we just need the home address of Joey and Alana. And listen, if you don’t give us this information right now, you might never see your family again.” (page 89).

Unsurprisingly, the death threats fail to work. Schneider says they can either show some ID or get out of his office, and if they don’t, he’s calling the police.

Suttie and Cassie ask him if that’s his final decision. What is this, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? But Schneider says it is.

So Suttie and Cassie start floating around in midair.

When Cassandra hit with her head against the ceiling of the principal’s office she said, “The ceiling is not high enough for us. Let us remove our heads…this will give us more room to float freely.” (page 90)

Instead of…I dunno, floating lower? Wouldn’t that be easier?

I almost gave Tesch a pass on this one, because Suttie and Cassie are doing all this just to scare the shit out of Schneider…but they don’t need to invent a moronic reason for why they’re doing this. Just take your heads off, he’ll get the point.

The two beauties turned their heads three times to the left side, one time to the right and removed their heads from their bodies (page 90).

That’s right kids. Just turn your heads to the left three times and then once to the right. It’ll unlock and then you can take your head off!

This is my favorite picture of all time.

There’s actually a pretty well-written line here:

“Would you be so kind as to give us the home address of Joey and Alana or would you like to carry your own head in your hands?” (page 90)

That’s ‘addresses’, but even so, it’s a decent threat.

Schneider agrees, but before he can do so he has a heart attack, and falls over face-down on his desk, where his favorite metal pen, which is standing upright in its holder, squelches through his eye and into his brain.

I think this scene may have been inspired by The Dark Knight. Also, here is yet another scene I’d really like to see in the movie.

A secretary hears the thump and comes in and finds the body. Suttie and Cassie are gone. She screams and they call the cops. They promptly close the school for the day and send everyone home, but not before a rumor starts that the school is haunted by evil spirits [??].

Suttie and Cassie leave the school just before the cops show up and have a bit of conversation:

“The people here in this world are caught in a net of stupidity which they call materialism. They are even proud of this level.”

“Yes, these people are strange and many of them are absolutely hopeless. They die on us when we show them just a tiny little bit of energy from the Fifth Dimension.” (page 92)

I’m not going to try and argue that people aren’t stupid, because they are, but I have to disagree with Cassie. You took your heads off and threatened to rip his head off as well, which gave someone a heart attack, which he probably would have survived if it hadn’t been for his pen.

Oh well.

Drinks: 38

Comment [56]

Chapter Twelve – The Cujuanga Tree

Libertine has already returned from Maradonia with the leaves from the Cujuanga Trees, which must have set a record for the airspeed velocity of a laden dove. She gives them to Maya – I guess the window is still open – and tells her to chew the leaves until they’ve dissolved.

“Swallow everything! It will be as sweet as honey in your mouth but it will make your stomach bitter.” (page 94)

Which is yet another Biblical reference – Revelations 10:9. An angel gives John a scroll and tells him to eat it, saying it’ll be as sweet as honey in his mouth but will turn his stomach sour. I’m rather lost as to the symbolism that Tesch is going for, so I’ll assume it’s just a meaningless reference.

Tesch throws in a And so it was… and Maya eats them. They’re as sweet as honey in her mouth but then bitter in her stomach. Like we just established. The leaves work surprisingly well:

Some drops of brown saliva dropped out of Maya’s mouth but she recovered minutes later from all her pain, her injuries, and bruises. Only the three broken fingers of her left hand, still in the cast, did not heal (page 94).

These must be Magical Leaves, because real leaves, regardless of their healing powers, don’t work that fast. Yeah. That was the entire chapter. A whole two pages!

Chapter Thirteen – The Ouija Board

Warning: this chapter is awesome.

Alana Terrence comes home very depressed. Her mother, Lindsey, is there, and for no apparent reason launches into a dramatic speech. I don’t think any summary would do this speech justice, so here it is in full:

“Alana, oh my gosh! What’s wrong with you? You look so frightened to me… depressed and unhappy. I saw this yesterday too. Please, say something, sweetheart…Alana…I wanted to talk to you since yesterday but… as you know… I had no time… I had to leave…

I have this boyfriend, Alfonso. He is a dance instructor and I am out, nearly every night, with him… dancing in bars and restaurants because we love the salsa dance.

Look, Alana, over the day I work so hard in the beauty salon for both of us to bring money home to pay for our expenses. I bought you everything you ever asked me for, and I even paid with credit cards when I did not have the money and we are now in debt. In deep debt…I know… I abandoned you somehow because I never have enough time for you. Forgive me… But I am still your mother! Tell me what’s going on? But please, don’t tell me that you are pregnant? Are you in trouble again with the law or with this young man? I forgot his name… Alana…he is twenty-one years old and he is just too old for you.” (pages 96-97).

Whoa.

I love that Alana’s mother casually mentions “I Have This Boyfriend Alfonso” to her DAUGHTER, but then, as we’re about to find out, it appears Lindsey is a bit of a whore. And She Loves the Salsa Dance.

Alana, however, has a withering rebuttal:

“Mom, please! I know you are working hard for both of us but I also realize that I never had a real father because you are now three times divorced. I am aware that all men run away from you when they find out about your true character… because you are a gold digger. I know that you are horsing around with many different men at the same time and that you are never there when I need you. You dumped Alfonso several times but you are still together with him. I hate Alfonso! And…I hate you!” (pages 97-98)

Uh…horsing around?

Alana says she isn’t pregnant and she’s not in trouble with the law. Actually, Alana, I kind’ve think you are…remember when you beat the shit out of Maya and put her in the hospital? The cops aren’t onto you yet, but it’s only a matter of time until the eyewitness cracks.

Lindsey says she wants to help her, but Alana scoffs and says that Lindsey abandoned her. She tells her mother to look in the mirror and scrape off her layers of makeup, because she needs to realize that she’s almost fifty and guys with a lot of money are looking for slutty twenty-year-olds.

“And now… look at me! Take a good look! I don’t think you have ever really looked at me. Realize it… I am chubby and ugly. I am overweight. I have to lose at least fifty pounds. I am a bully in the school because you have bullied me all my life and neglected me…

All the nights…I was alone… when you were gone… dancing… and I was waiting for you… Nobody loves me, everybody hates me and now the Guardians of Maya are haunting and terrorizing me. You have no idea what I am going through.” (pages 98-99)

You know those scenes where characters suddenly have a stunning moment of self-realization about themselves? Yeah. They don’t actually happen in real life, because people like to delude themselves. Yes, occasionally someone might have what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity and understand a single problem that they have, but Tesch is expecting us to believe that Alana has suddenly come to terms with all the years of emotional neglect from her mother and realizes that it’s made her into an ugly, overweight Gothic bully and is able to calmly elucidate this to her mother’s face? Sorry. Not likely.

I should also point out that we have a picture of Alana Terrence from the first book, and she’s not fat.

See?

Lindsey starts crying. Alana ignores her and begins talking to herself about everything that happened to with the school being haunted and the invisible power that dragged her around. It lasts for an entire page, because when people talk to themselves, they don’t skip over the boring parts and focus on the most important thing that actually matters to them. Instead, they repeat the entire story, using complete sentences for the benefit of the forgetful readers and also to pad the book’s page count.

Alana concludes by realizing she has no idea what’s going on, but clearly there are mystical forces at work. So there’s only one possible solution: she needs to use the Ouija board her aunt gave her for her birthday.

So, I’ve never owned a Ouija board, but are there people out there who seriously believe that shit? I mean, I assume there are some whackos who do, because there are nut jobs who believe NASA faked the moon landings and the U.S. government brought down the World Trade Centers in a controlled demolition…but seriously, I’m pretty sure most people who actually play with Ouija boards don’t really believe the boards contain any kind of actual power.

Then again, I’m not an expert on the ‘psychic community’, so what do I know?

Alana says she invited her girlfriends Tanya and Dorothy over because they have important things to discuss.

“Of course my dear, I think it is a good idea when you have some girlfriends as company over tonight in our house, but why don’t you tell me what it is… that’s so important for you?”

“Please, Mom, it is girl’s stuff… okay.” (page 100)

I guess this means Lindsey is actually a man. But that’s the end of the scene. That’s it. After this huge dramatic confrontation that would in real life probably lead into a tearful shouting argument that goes on for hours, it just ends, and Alana gets over it.

Tanya and Dorothy show up. Alana has lit six candlesticks – I assume Tesch means candles – and they hold hands and conduct a séance. This is glossed over so I guess nothing actually happens.

Tanya and Dorothy gazed at Alana when she got up and rummaged around for some time in her closet and finally pulled from underneath several boxes an old wooden Ouija board, a device that is able to receive vibrations and real messages from beyond this world (page 101).

Keep in mind this isn’t a character’s opinion, this is the Omniscient Narrator telling us that this Ouija board works.

Little did they know that this night would be a night they would never forget because Alana, her two friends and her mother would experience a night of sheer terror (page 101).

Uh. Spoiler alert?

Alana asks the board who dragged her across the cafeteria. After awhile the board spells out the word ‘Guardian’. They ask the board who the guardian is, but instead the board spells out “Bye-bye”. This is confusing and they get mad, but then Alana asks the board if there is a spirit in the room, for some reason. The board says there are two. And then the shadows of Suttie and Cassie appear on the wall. They dramatically explain that they found the girls via the Ouija board and ask them where Maya and Joey are. Alana screams and says she doesn’t know where they are.

Gazing over her shoulder she yelled, “Tanya and Dorothy… look at the monkey statue on the shelf of my bed and remember my words!” (page 103)

Remember these guys?

Honestly, I’m pretty impressed. Alana is showing remarkable presence of mind by yelling at her friends to keep quiet while she is obviously terrified. Then again, Suttie and Cassie are right there and can hear everything she’s saying, so that comment might have tipped them off that Alana is lying.

The two shadows vanish, leaving a stench of burnt rubber and sulfur, and the girls sigh in relief and open a window to let the smell out. Then Suttie and Cassie reappear and tell them to stop lying. The girls say nothing. Suttie and Cassie gaze deep into their souls.

It was a spooky moment (page 104).

They run, because the stench is unbearable, even effecting Lindsey, who is downstairs watching TV. The girls reach her and then the entire house starts shaking. The plasma TV falls of the wall, an antique mirror shatters, the refrigerator starts hovering, dishes go flying through the house, it’s bedlam. And it doesn’t stop:

A bottle, filled with expensive white wine, flew straight through the room and crashed on Lindsey’s forehead (page 106)

Holy shit!

Knives and forks from the kitchen shelves darted like arrows or mini torpedoes toward Alana and Dorothy and sliced open Alana’s right arm and grinded away parts of Dorothy’s scalp (page 106).

Seriously, holy shit! Remember that adorable little girl from your promotional trailer, Tesch?

She probably didn’t read this book, but if she did it gave her nightmares for weeks.

Alana starts to lose it. Her mother is unconscious on the floor, her girlfriends are dripping blood, the world starts spinning, and then she hears the voices of Suttie and Cassie explaining that Alana is one of them and that she shouldn’t’ve lied to them. Alana snaps, starts sobbing hysterically, pulling her own hair, and finally runs out the door screaming hoping to find relief and peace in her soul. Yes, that’s exactly what the book says.

Tanya and Dorothy chase her own and realize that Alana has run out into the road and there are headlights approaching. They scream at her.

Alana lifted her arms once more and screamed, “I have reached the end of my road. There is no return for me!”

Tanya and Dorothy heard the shrieking brakes of a car and then a dull thud.

BOOM.

They ran to the scene of the accident but when they looked at the motionless body of their girlfriend, they realized that their slumber party and the Ouija board séance had come to a tragic end without any return for Alana (pages 107-108).

I don’t think ‘boom’ is an appropriate sound effect for a car hitting a person.

Anyway. That’s the end of Alana Terrence.

Drinks: 31

Comment [60]

Chapter Fourteen – Perfect Timing

In a fresh breeze, the sunshine of the morning poured through Joey’s window (page 110).

Maybe this is a bit nitpicky, but sunshine can’t be “in” a breeze. That’s not the way sunshine works.

Joey gets dressed and heads downstairs where he hears his parents talking. Apparently his Aunt Sarah has been battling cancer, the doctors only give her a month to live, and she wants to see them all before she kicks the bucket. Joey’s parents have decided that Aunt Sarah’s ten-year-old son, Andy, will live with them after she dies (her husband is already dead).

Aunt Sarah wrote them a letter, so Joey’s father reads it:

To the Swanson Family,

Lately I have been under a lot of pressure and stress. The doctor said I wouldn’t make it with my fight against cancer.

Everyone has to die, some earlier… some later, rich or poor, it doesn’t matter. Because we will all be in the ground sooner or later…

Please come, visit me as soon as you can. I want to spend my last moments on this earth with my beloved family.

I don’t know what I will do with my little antique store.. But please come… as soon as you can!

Sincerely, Aunt Sarah (pages 111-112)

Okay. So we finally learn Maya and Joey’s last name – it’s Swanson. Setting that aside, she’s their aunt. She’s really going to address the letter with a cold, impersonal, “To the Swanson Family”? And Tesch thinks she would sum up her upcoming death as “I’ve been under pressure and stress?” I mean, yes, she would be, but I doubt she’d phrase it that way. Finally, Tesch expects us to believe that Aunt Sarah would specifically point out that she doesn’t know what to do with her antique store…but not even mention the 10-year-old kid she’s leaving behind?

Joey pops into the kitchen, reveals that he’s heard everything, and tells his parents that they should go visit Aunt Sarah and take Benji with them to get things squared away. He can keep an eye on Maya and keep going to school.

Finally his parents came to the conclusion that the timing for the trip was perfect (page 113).

I don’t care how well the timing works out. A trip to visit a beloved family member who is about to die from cancer cannot be perfect timing.

His parents have some nice things to say about him, though.

“Joey is strong and he is a responsible person. We can trust him.” (page 113)

They don’t know their son at all.

His parents pack their stuff up and take off, saying they’re going to stop at the hospital and say goodbye to Maya before they leave. Joey says goodbye:

“Greet Maya from me” (page 114)

Try and imagine that phrase coming out of a 14-year-old boy’s mouth.

His parents leave and Joey is delighted with the turn of events:

Joey thought, “This is perfect! This is absolutely perfect! Our parents left with little Benji to visit Auntie Sarah. [snip] It’s high time to go. We are ready to go back to the Land of Maradonia just at the most perfect timing!” (page 114)

Your ‘Auntie Sarah’ is ABOUT TO DIE FROM CANCER, YOU SOCIOPATHIC LITTLE PRICK! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU???

We cut over to Maya, who is chilling out in her hospital room feeling like peaches and cream. The doctor checks her over and is amazed because except for her fingers, she’s completely healed. Dr. Harrison even calls in Dr. Murphy and both doctors are amazed and don’t know what’s going on.

Chapter Fifteen – Familiar Faces

Maya, at least, is depressed by the contents of Aunt Sarah’s letter, which kinda fits. Maya occasionally has traces of real human emotion, whereas Joey is a stone cold forest-fire-setting sociopath.

Joey shows up, gives Maya her Tarnkappe and they walk out of the hospital, invisible. As they go, they see a stretcher with a corpse with a sheet over it. Joey says that he recognizes the military boots as belonging to Alana Terrence. Maya busts out a hilarious Nugget of Wisdom:

“Just because someone has the same shoes does not mean it is the same person,” Maya replied (page 118).

Joey agrees, but he recognizes the shoelaces. Because he dragged Alana around by her shoelaces. Apparently she has very recognizable shoelaces. However:

“In my invisible situation I am unable to ask the two nurses to pull the bed sheet and show me the face of this person.” (page 118)

Yeah. And even if you were visible I’m pretty sure nurses don’t just show corpses to kids who want to see them.

Two tall women come in and share a brief conversation with the two nurses, revealing to any alert reader that this is actually Suttie and Cassie on their way up to Maya’s room. The nurses, as it turns out, happen to know that right before Alana died she told her mother that she hated her. How do they know this? No logical reason.

Anyway, Joey realizes the two tall women are Suttie and Cassie, so they take off.

Chapter Sixteen – We Found Them!

Maya and Joey get home and take their Tarnkappes off. However….it turns out that Big Bertha and a couple of her fellow ravens have just landed on the roof of their house. How they found the house, I don’t know. Maybe they can read street signs. In English. Anyway, Bertha looks through the skylight and recognizes them and yells “BINGO!”

Big Bertha’s sisters, Beebe and Dodoo asked, “What does it mean, Bingo?”

“Bingo means Bingo! We found them!” (page 123)

They have a point. Ravens from Maradonia probably wouldn’t know what bingo means.

This leads into a hilarious scene where Bertha has to explain what the fuck they’re doing there and who they’re looking for. Turns out her sisters don’t even remember. Bertha expresses the desire that they had been killed by Joey as well, a desire I share. Eventually Bertha tells them to keep an eye on the house while she goes to fetch Plouton.

We cut to Libertine, who gets Maya’s attention at the back door – how, I don’t know – and tells them the powers of darkness are approaching rapidly and they need to get the fuck out of Dodge.

We cut over to Big Bertha, who shows up at Plouton’s flying fortress. Everyone is sitting around the fireplace. Apparently the spaceships have fireplaces.

Plouton bitches about how powerful they are and how ridiculous it is that they haven’t found Maya and Joey. Bertha pipes up and asks if she can say something. This leads to a page of Suttie telling Bertha that she’s basically worthless and Bertha smirking until finally Bertha reveals that she found Maya and Joey.

Suttie yells at Bertha and calls her stupid, which is par for the course for Bertha. Everyone packs up and takes off to go kill Maya and Joey. I can only hope they succeed.

Chapter Seventeen – Cold Light Waves

This is awesome:

Maya and Joey were ready for departure after they shouldered their super big backpacks (page 130).

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

Super Big Backpacks? Really, Tesch?

They put their Tarnkappes on, slip outside, and take off for the beach. The ravens don’t notice. They do notice when Plouton shows up and the house is empty. Everyone takes off for the beach to look for footprints. Tesch throws in a “And so it was…” and we cut forward. They’ve spotted and Maya and Joey because they saw the Key to the Underworld floating in midair. Apparently the Tarnkappes makes you, your clothes, and your Super Big Backpacks invisible…but not the Key. That makes sense.

Libertine tells Joey that they are a life-threatening situation. No shit, Sherlock. She explains that he needs to use Defender (the Key) to defend themselves. If he doesn’t act quickly, the airships will use their Cold Light Waves to make them permanently blind. Apparently the Cold Light Waves is their ultimate weapon. Honestly, I think the Ultimate Weapon should kill your enemies instead of just making them blind, but maybe that’s just me.

Maya covers her eyes, but Joey aims the Key and fires and of course he has perfect aim and it pulverizes Suttie and Cassie. The airships turn on their Cold Light Waves so Joey covers his eyes and starts firing blind and ends up destroying three airships and Plouton orders a retreat.

Well. That was remarkably easy.

Maya and Joey head off to the cave.

Chapter Eighteen – Leathery Wings & Glossy Eyes

It’s darker and more humid. The wind sounds menacing. There’s loud sounds and they don’t sound friendly. Eventually they get inside the cave and Maya aims her flashlight up and sees hundreds of bats that look like ‘miniature cloaked Draculas’, which is a simile that doesn’t really work for me.

They keep walking through the cave and they hear an explosion from beneath them. Smoke starts billowing towards them from behind. All the bats take off and start flying around.

They moved like a big school of fish straight into the direction of the cave’s exit (page 139).

That’s another one that doesn’t really work for me.

The glowing eyes of the night creatures bulged white and their fangs gleamed as if they were wet (page 139).

Good lord. Did she use the same resources as Calvin when doing research on bats?

Bats’ eyes don’t glow, they reflect light if it’s shined on them. And do you really think, in a dark, smoky cave, that you’re going to be able to see the gleam of their teeth as they fly around? Really, Tesch?

A swarm of bats attack Joey and start trying to bite him. It’s very intense. But then they see the light at the end of the tunnel (literally) and crawl out and realize they’re back in Maradonia. Hooray! Only took them 140 pages!

It starts raining bats. They plummet out of the sky and splat helplessly on the sky because of the bright sunlight. Uh…that’s not the way it works, Tesch. Bats can fly during the day.

Maya was looking at Joey’s blood smeared face and hands from the sharp bites of the bats. She could not stifle a light smile when she asked her brother, “What a perverted nature we have in our old world.” (page 141)

Setting aside the fact that that’s not a question she’s ‘asking’…she sees her brother covered in blood and bite marks (from which he hopefully will contract rabies) and her reaction is to smile? I take back my previous comments, Maya is a sociopath as well.

Maya thinks the bats were inspired to attack them by the powers of Evil. She also has some random things to talk about:

“This cave is basically a culmination point or the time tunnel which separates our old world from this world.

“It seems to me that we did not only reach the Land of Maradonia but we have already stepped into the Fourth Dimension, the world between the worlds or a space between spaces.” (page 141)

No. The cave is the world between the worlds…it’s between Earth and Maradonia. You’re not in that anymore.

They decide they’re going to journey by Tarnkappe to visit Oraculus. Why they took their Tarnkappes off in the first place, I don’t know. Anyway, Joey shakes off another dead bat and for absolutely no reason launches into a speech about how he respects all life, but his loyalty is to his family and to the “rightful heritage of our royal family”. It’s the kind of dialogue that makes you think “Why the hell would anyone, for any reason, say these words? It doesn’t make sense. There was no inspiration for them, it does mean anything, there’s no logical reason for why it would be brought up here, and it doesn’t sound anything like actual human speech.” Of course, the only reason it was brought up was so Tesch could throw in a little discussion about being nice to animals.

Maya lectures Joey about how they need to be able to hear the cry of an animal in pain and respect all life. Joey laughs it off and says that she’s talking like someone from the Humane Society. I think you mean PETA. However, Maya says that she knows people from the Humane Society and she has great respect for them. Joey caves in and says that he agrees with her but what he actually means is that they should never forget that they’re royalty and have great responsibilities.

Somehow, I have a feeling that neither of these arrogant twats will forget they’re royalty.

Anyway. After two pages of thoroughly useless conversation that accomplishes nothing, the chapter ends.

Drinks: 51

Comment [51]

Chapter Nineteen – Extinction of the Emerald Kingdom

Maya and Joey take off through Maradonia, traveling quickly using their Tarnkappes.

It was a long way to reach the swamp of their good old friend Oraculus (page 144).

I could argue that it’s not possible to become good friends with someone you’ve only met twice, but I suppose, under certain circumstances, and if you spent a lot of time talking and getting to know each other, it might be theoretically possible. In this case, it’s not, because they didn’t. Both visits to Oraculus consisted of them standing there while Oraculus rambled for pages about things that were going to happen to them, they asked a few questions, and that was it. They aren’t friends. They’re barely acquaintances.

Tesch explains that the coastlines have changed dramatically since their last visit, and there are new exotic trees and strange-looking plants everywhere. Now, I know, since I flipped ahead in the book, that about four to six years have passed in Maradonia. I’m not really an expert but I’m pretty sure entire trees don’t grow and coastlines don’t change dramatically in the space of four to six years. I guess Tesch could handwave that via Magic, though.

As they get closer to Oraculus’ swamp, they see a yellow circle of light dancing over it. Maya and Joey talk about it. This light concerns them, especially Joey:

“Our outstretched experience with the powers of dark craft tells us to be alert.” (page 145).

Sorry. Outstretched experience? What the fuck does that even mean?

They continue through the swamp. There are snakes everywhere. Maya mentions that she hates snakes. You know, if she really hates snakes, shouldn’t there have been some mention of that back in the first book when Maya faced down an enormous snake (that Joey then murdered) without batting an eyelash?

They continue on. Tesch describes the scenery, the fish, the insects, the birds, and foliage. It’s not badly written, but it’s not well-written, either.

Suddenly Maya let out a short but blood-curdling scream (page 147).

Joey runs over. Turns out they can see, off in the distance, the fairies Gertrude, Lorris, and Ceara. However, the fairies are so far away they can’t see what they’re up to. But they’re near enough to be seen. Yet far enough away so they didn’t hear Maya’s scream. Yes.

The Encouragers creep forward, invisible, until they’re close enough to see the fairies talking to Oraculus.

The fairies, in a roundabout way, explain for Maya and Joey’s benefit that they have heard they’re in Maradonia and that Oraculus is hiding them in his swamp, and that they are here to make sure Oraculus doesn’t give them any more advice. Oraculus, to his credit, just smirks at them and doesn’t give a shit. He also refers to Gertrude as Terrible Trudy. Knowing Tesch, I’m pretty sure this is Gertrude’s actual nickname, intended seriously.

“You tried to trap and to kill Princess Maya and Prince Joey several times before…but…these teenagers were always a little smarter and faster than you.” (page 149)

Um…no. Sorry, Oraculus. They were never smarter and faster. In a couple cases they were lucky, and in the rest of the cases they were saved by the Powers of Light. The only time they were ever faster was when they had their magical Deus ex Machina hats.

Gertrude tells Oraculus she can sense Maya and Joey’s presence, and if he doesn’t spill the beans she’ll have Ceara torch the entire place. Oraculus says that Maya and Joey haven’t visited him. Then he shouts to his daughter, Ordelia, that she’s his successor.

“I give you my mantle of prophesy and my divine gift to contact the deity.” (page 151)

I’m pretty sure you can’t just give divine gifts away.

Oraculus and the fairies yell at each other for a few more pages but it’s not especially interesting or informative. Except for this bit:

“You can destroy and set my swamp on fire…but….what concerns Maya and Joey… you know very well that you cannot touch them. They are blood members of the kingdom of light and they are untouchable by your powers” (page 152).

I’ll come back to this quote in a minute. Maya and Joey realize what’s about to happen, so they turn and run for their lives. After a bit, they get to the edge and turn around in time to see a huge fireball shoot up and incinerate the entire Emerald Kingdom. They are both very sad.

Which makes me wonder: why didn’t they do something?

I could write up a detailed description of why this is moronic, but I don’t need to, because Joey is going to explain it for me:

“But I see another problem because somehow both of us have to consider again that we are invulnerable and untouchable by the fairies and we have forgotten about this important fact. [snip] Maya, this incident should teach us an unforgettable lesson. We cannot afford to run from danger anymore and I cannot forgive myself that it did not even come to my mind that we are untouchable…

“I should have taken Defender and I should have blown these fairies once and for all away. I should have pushed the trigger of Defender when we were hiding behind the cypress tree. I am so ashamed about myself that both of us, the Encouragers of the Land of Maradonia, ran away in panic, instead of moving forward and save the life of our good friend Oraculus! I ask myself… Why is it that this fact did not come earlier to our mind, especially after our experience with the airships?” (pages 156-157)

It’s rare that one of the characters in the book actually stops and points out the putrid, festering, unadulterated idiocy of a scene. So, I’m going to take a few seconds to bask in the moment and then rip it a new asshole anyway.

Ready? And I apologize for the angry all caps:

WHY THE FUCK WOULDN’T YOU REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE INVINCIBLE, WHEN A CHARACTER, IN THE SCENE, REMINDS YOU OF THAT TWENTY SECONDS BEFORE IT HAPPENS?

I could almost buy Maya and Joey not remembering they’re invincible when they get back to Maradonia. After all, it has been a few weeks, and Maya and Joey really aren’t that bright. But a character said it. They were sitting there carefully listening to every word. And apparently it didn’t take.