The first book that I’m going to review has a history in a subject that is near and dear to my heart: fanfiction. As someone who’s been on fanfiction.net since she was thirteen, I’ve seen the rise and fall of a lot of stories. Some of them became famous, or infamous, in the fanfiction world. One of these stories was the Draco Trilogy by Cassandra Clare, then called Cassandra Claire, but what’s an “i” between friends?

The Draco Trilogy has had a lot of influence on Harry Potter fandom. Things like Ginny’s full name being Ginevra and Lucius Malfoy being abusive have even hung on.¹ And of course, we can all thank Clare for giving birth to the Draco in Leather Pants trope.

I’ll admit, I wasn’t interested in the story, which started as a sort of Freaky Friday plot where Harry and Draco switched bodies and moved from there. I just am not much of a Draco fan to begin with, and I thought that he was better as an obnoxious spoiled brat. Eventually the stories were taken down for plagiarism, and Clare’s account was deleted. She was basically rephrasing huge parts of dialog, scenes, descriptions, and even plot ideas from classic fantasy writers² and claiming that it was hers. Since the story had a massive fan following, people raised a stink about Clare’s stories being deleted. Some took down their stories from the site, and many fans still refuse to believe the plagiarism thing. Having read the story, from the guy who actually reported the plagiarism, it seems like it was a pretty clear case of it.

At any rate, Clare has pretty much disowned the series, at least verbally.³ She took down the story, and you can only get it on a few other sites that saved the story themselves. That doesn’t mean a whole lot, as I’m about to show you.

Clare, as most of you know, went on to publish a book called City of Bones, the first in the Mortal Instruments series (at that time a trilogy). Here’s our official summary taken from Amazon:

When fifteen-year-old Clary Fray heads out to the Pandemonium Club in New York City, she hardly expects to witness a murder—much less a murder committed by three teenagers covered with strange tattoos and brandishing bizarre weapons. Then the body disappears into thin air. It’s hard to call the police when the murderers are invisible to everyone else and when there is nothing—not even a smear of blood—to show that a boy has died. Or was he a boy?

This is Clary’s first meeting with the Shadowhunters, warriors dedicated to ridding the earth of demons. It’s also her first encounter with Jace, a Shadowhunter who looks a little like an angel and acts a lot like a jerk. Within twenty-four hours Clary is pulled into Jace’s world with a vengeance, when her mother disappears and Clary herself is attacked by a demon. But why would demons be interested in ordinary mundanes like Clary and her mother? And how did Clary suddenly get the Sight? The Shadowhunters would like to know. . . .

Exotic and gritty, exhilarating and utterly gripping, Cassandra Clare’s ferociously entertaining fantasy takes readers on a wild ride that they will never want to end.

This is an ambitious book. It wants to be the next Harry Potter, and it really is trying to be. The problem is that the fanfiction roots show so clearly that readers who know about them will either snicker appreciatively or have deja vu about many, many fanfics about how a normal girl meets the bad boy Ensemble Darkhorse of the series and they fall in love in and somehow their love leads to the end of some rather toothless evil. You heard me, people: this is self-insert HP fanfic with the names and locations changed to make it legal.

Plot

I will give Clare her credit: this story does have a plot, and it is a potentially interesting plot. If only she didn’t pause it so much and focused more on her plot and less on her romance.

Basically, the plot revolves around Clary⁴ Fray, a girl who accidentally sees three people kill another kid in some underage club. They mention that Clary shouldn’t have been able to see any of them, and when she tries to report what she saw, no one can see the body or the three killers. Even her best friend, Simon, who obviously has a thing for her and looks strangely like Harry Potter, doesn’t believe her.

The next day, Clary’s mother starts making seemingly frantic plans to leave New York, where the story is set, but Clary is wangsting too much about how she wanted to go to art school to notice. She goes out with Simon to some coffee shop despite the fact that she’s grounded, runs into one of the killers, and gets a call from her mom not to come back home. Clary, acting stupidly but at least somewhat sympathetically, goes back home to see what’s happened only to get attacked by a monster and saved by those same three kids as last time.

Like any good Sue, she’s knocked unconscious and wakes up in what is essentially a secret base for what are called Shadowhunters, humans who have taken in angel blood and acquired magic powers. They are supposed to maintain order in the supernatural world but really just parade around thinking they’re better than everyone and everything. It is explained to Clary that she shouldn’t be able to see the monster that attacked her or the Shadowhunters because she is a mundie (read: Muggle). Despite this obvious prejudice, they are curious about her, and Clary wants to find out what happened to her mother. As such, Clary joins up with them and tags along to see if she can find any clues about her mother. All the while she hears rumors about how a man called Valentine, who is considered dead and was something of a terror to the Downworlders, as all supernatural things are called, is very much alive and gaining power again.

This thing sounds a whole lot more interesting and exciting than it actually is.

The problem is not that there’s no plot; the problem is how the plot is handled. There are long periods where Clary seems to completely forget about her mother in order to spend more time learning about the Shadowhunter Jace, and his almost over-the-top abusive past. Things such as the fight between the werewolves and the vampires are introduced but not really explored, the plot drags in several places as the protagonists focus on what they’re going to wear to a party or something just as inconsequential, and the logic of Valentine’s evil plot, which has something to do with creating more Shadowhunters with the Cup of Awesome, AKA the Mortal Cup, and siccing them on the unsuspecting supernatural world, is confusing and full of holes.

Clary also shows times where she’s honestly more interested in her developing powers than in her missing mother. Once Clary and the others realize that she must be a Shadowhunter⁵ who has had some kind of spell blocking both her memories and her powers, she is perfectly willing to travel to the City of Bones, which is where some of the most powerful Shadowhunter mages who specialize in mental block type things live. Even though there’s not much of a chance that this is going to help her mother. She is also more interested in going to a magical party hosted by the almost painfully gay Magnus Bane, who also knows something about her mental block, than in finding information about her mother. There is also the matter of how she happily drags her friend Simon with her during these little adventuresand gets him turned into a rat and almost killed by vampires, which has no bearing on the story at all, and only learns more about her mother through plot convenience.

The plot pauses for large amounts of time for Clary to learn about our villain, Valentine, and his past history. While it is interesting to learn about his motivations and why he wanted to kill all magical things, it is not practical when you think of the other things Clary could be doing, such as learning how to fight whatever took her mother or trying to figure out just what took her mother and why. Granted, Clary slowly learns that her mother was married to Valentine⁶ before marrying her dead father, and that her mother was probably hiding from Valentine, but her actions don’t ring true for a fifteen-year-old girl whose mother just disappeared into thin air.

After some very confusing events including a minor character betraying Clary and some more or less pointless romantic tension, there is a confrontation between Clary, Jace, and Valentine which reveals that Clary and Jace are siblings and Valentine is the father of them both. Valentine eventually escapes with a the Cup, and while Clary does find her now-comatose mother, the whole thing is treated as secondary to the fact that Jace and Clary can no longer pursue their love.

As I said, the story does have a plot, and, in the hands of a good writer, it would have probably been a good one. Several things, such as the history of the war, the fact that Clary’s mother vanished, and Valentine’s plan to create an army could all have been potentially interesting. The problem was that the plot became confused at the end, and the romance took the forefront. As it is, the only thing I can say about this plot is pretty much what people say about the Draco Trilogy: stuff happens.

Characters

As a book that really wants to be Harry Potter, there are a lot of characters. Some of the background secondary characters are actually pretty good, and, because the book is in third person limited, it’s actually possible to get a feel for them. But, sadly, I’m focusing on our main characters, because they are the ones who really need to be examined.

Clary Fray is our protagonist, who bears a striking resemblance to Clare herself. She’s shown to enjoy drawing at the beginning (but doesn’t really seem interested as time goes on) and actually displays more survival instincts than a lemming. She is also an awful friend, an awful daughter, and an awful person. She never defends her so-called best friend from being sneered at for being a mundie by people she doesn’t even know, frequently forgets about the fact that her mother has been kidnapped and may be dead in favor of romance, and, the moment that the Shadowhunters turn up in her life, goes into ‘humanity is icky’ mode.⁷

Jace Wayland⁸ is our protagonist/badboy love interest for this novel. This kid is a piece of work. He is sociopathic. Jace actually enjoys killing things rather than just killing because, you know, it’s his job. He is arrogant and doesn’t seem to see others as actually having feelings, making such lovely statements as: “Declarations of love amuse me. Especially when unrequited.” He is stupid. (Oh, yes, I have mystical powers that are said to come from an angel, holy and religious objects do hurt monsters and demons, but I don’t really believe in angels or an afterlife or much of anything.) His angsty, abusive past is cliché, over-dramatic and overdone. He treats Clary like dirt, and he doesn’t seem to show any kind of redeeming value other than the fact that he’s good-looking. I almost have the feeling that this book is some kind of fanfic from an alternate universe where Jace is a secondary friend/rival character. Oh, wait, this is Harry Potter fanfic, of course!

Simon Lewis is Clary’s best friend, and he is awesome. Seriously, he’s snarky, funny, has interests outside of Clary, and tries to adapt to a situation which he never believed could exist and, honestly, I think he should break out of this canon and go hang out with Leah Clearwater, Charlie Swan, Pre-Eclipse Jacob, Murtagh, Zyn⁹ and possibly Aphrodite and Elliot from House of Night, and go fight crime or something. He’s pretty much abused throughout the entire book: getting turned into a rat, having his love interest, Clary, completely ignore the fact that Jace treats him like crap. He probably has even more hurt in store for him as he is not the Designated Love Interest. I feel for you Simon. You made the book. When I was fifteen, I would have wanted to date you.

Alec Lightwood is our Token Gay Guy. And that’s all. Seriously, this guy has no purpose in life other than to have a crush on Jace (because even the guys want this ass) and be jealous of Clary. Oh, and to appeal to Clair’s massive yaoi fanbase so that they can’t be accused of being stupid yaoi fangirls because now their slash fanfic has some root in canon. Oh, Jace treats him like crap too. Jace treats everyone (including his so called blood brother or whatever who has a crush on him) like crap. He doesn’t contribute to the plot, and even though he’s supposed to be able to fight, we rarely see him doing much of anything. What is the point of his character again?

Isabella Lightwood, like her brother, is mostly unimportant to the novel. She’s mostly there to be pretty and make Clary feel speshul because Jace likes Clary better than Isabella. She has a brief thing with Simon, but it’s passed off as nothing because, as Isabella is a Scary Sue, she couldn’t actually have tender emotions towards a normal person or like Simon because he’s funny, sarcastic, nice, and probably a fun guy to be around. Once again, what is her reason for existing again?

Valentine¹⁰ is our main antagonist for the novel. He’s…er…supposed to be sinister. The problem is when you hear his backstory, he’s actually more sympathetic than the good guys, and yeah… As far as he is concerned, the stuff about his relationships with the cast are like a combination of Voldemort and Draco Trilogy Lucius. He’s the abusive father that Lucius is in the fanfics (up to and including copying a story about a falcon near verbatim from the Draco Trilogy) and yet he’s fulfilling the role of a white haired Voldemort. I think that, if Valentine had a better name and was more unlikable than Jace, I could have accepted him as something of a well-intentioned extremist without too much trouble. The problem was that I hated Jace more.

Love Triangle

I hate these. Particularly when it’s not a love triangle because the girl is only interested in one of the guys, but it’s treated like one. It’s a staple of fanfic, and it’s in here. Even though it really doesn’t add to the story.

At all.

Obviously there’s one between Jace and Clary and Simon, but it’s completely clear from the third chapter on who’s going to win. The whole thing could have been taken out without really hurting the novel or the characterization all that much.

Actually, it might have helped things make a little more sense.

Setting

I’m not going to lie. I like the setting. I love fantasy done in a more or less modern setting. It can be fun, and interesting, and just awesome, and this book really tries to deliver that. As I said, it’s trying to appeal to the Harry Potter fanbase, and the setting does a good job of that. Even the Shadowhunter base, which needs to be explained some more, and the titular City of Bones are interesting ideas. I wanted more, and that’s a good thing.

Though some details are shall we say…not well explained, the overall idea is good. Therefore, I’ll give her a pass on it.

Mechanics

Clare can write dialog. It’s snappy, it reveals character, and it sounds mostly like things that a person would say. It also leads to some potentially funny conversations. So, no objections there.

Only…well…her dialog was the thing that was really caught for plagiarism. I’m not going to say that she made the same mistake, but there’s little actually original going on in the dialog, and those things that are original aren’t really paid much attention to.

The third person point of view is really the novel’s strongest point. I’ve been flooded with a lot of first person things lately, copying from Twilight and such, and to be able to step back and have some objectivity really helped. Her use of it worked well, and it conveyed the story a whole lot better than it would have if we had to wade through Clary’s head.

The actual sentence structure…wasn’t the best. I’m really not in the position to be taking potshots since I’ve got a love of really complicated sentences and have my fair share of typos and grammatical errors, but then again, her writing is supposed to be professional. Mine isn’t. Clare is too fond of adjectives and she tries too hard to sound like she knows how to write, flaunting her vocabulary until her writing comes across as…shall we say, violet.

In the Draco Trilogy, it wasn’t a big deal. It was free, decent quality, and I really didn’t care about some of the picky little things like flow and such. In a published novel, things are different. I’ve put down books Tithe by Holly Black simply because the sentence structure just was so awkward to me that I didn’t want to wade through the whole thing. While it wasn’t bad, it needed work, so, yeah, points off.

Theme

Er…being human is stupid and boring? Date the jerkoff because he’s sexy? Abuse is hot? Albinos are evil, evil people? If you’re a girl and you’re pretty, you’re probably a jerk?

Seriously now.

Really, I think that the book is much like Harry Potter in pushing ‘racism is evil’ as a main theme, but the theme is simplistically handled here, and the other themes just seem to stick out and take more prominence than the main one simply because it is so simplistic.

Mythology

As a folklore buff, I can say flat-out, this is a mess. While Clare’s done some research about angels and such, she doesn’t seem to understand the other creatures, such as the Fair Folk, and the more particular aspects of the generally accepted ideas about angels.

And don’t tell me it’s fiction so she can do what she wants. Angels are not like vampires. No one actually believes that vampires exist anywhere outside of folklore and movies anymore. If you want to make your vampire sparkle, you’re going to make me roll my eyes, but I’m not going to call you out. Angels are completely different as they are associated with religion. People actually believe in their existence, and they will get offended.

Not that I wouldn’t get a kind of thrill to see vampires that are actually written according to folklore, but that’s beside the point. I’ve seen so many ‘oh all the stories are wrong’ vampires that a novel where they weren’t wrong would really break the cliché.

Her ideas of vampires and werewolves come almost completely out of movies: even the idea of it being a ‘sickness’ and such. I honestly don’t think she’s done any research at all for these, and just wanted vampires and werewolves to be fighting one another. Even though she, like most authors, doesn’t even know where this idea came from.

Her runic magic system is interesting. I wasn’t sure about how it worked at some points, and it seemed like it would be a really bad thing to have to worry about in a quick fight, but it was (mostly) original. So, I’m happy enough with that.

Final Assessment

I wanted to like this book. I really, really wanted to like it. But I just don’t. The main character is annoying, the plot gets stupid at the end, the love interest is a creep, and any potential amongst the supporting characters is ignored.

Do I hate the book? No. It has some legitimately good ideas and character interactions. Some of the minor characters, such as Dorothea the fortune teller, really had some potential. So, no, I wouldn’t go around saying how this was the worst thing I’d ever read.

City of Bones reads just like what it is: a well written fanfic where the characters were renamed, the setting changed, and some details were altered so it was legal. The core remains the same, as do the characters. It’s funny, it has action, but it’s still fanfic.

Maybe the next novel in the series will help distance the story, but I somehow doubt it. I suppose I’ll find out once I manage to get my hands on a copy from my library.

Score: 3.5 out of 10

Footnotes

¹ I’m still always finding abusive Lucius fics even though it’s pretty clear from the last books that he wasn’t.

² Or Buffy. Or Black Adder. Or about anything else that she managed to come in contact with.

³ She’s also disowned The Very Secret Diaries, a Lord of the Rings fanfic which was admittedly pretty funny.

⁴ Clare? Clary? Come on, Clare, you’re a fanfic writer; you should know about obvious signs for a Sue.

⁵ Because she couldn’t possibly be human.

⁶ Which has nothing to do with her I’m sure.

⁷ This isn’t the first time that I’m going to rant about this in YA fiction, so get used to it.

⁸ Hai Draco Trilogy Draco! I didn’t miss you!

⁹ The only half-way sympathetic character in Legend of Rah and the Muggles

¹⁰ Hai Lucius Malfoy! You looked better with long hair!

Comment [45]

It’s not all that surprising that City of Bones was as popular as it was. For one thing, fanfic writers with a lot of reviews and attention seem to write books that get a lot of attention. For another, this thing was flat pandering to the female Harry Potter fanbase. As such, City of Ashes was released to some fanfare. Some even considered it to be the next Harry Potter and Clare to be the next great fantasy author.

Yeah.

I said in my last review that I was hoping that Clare would manage to distance herself from her fanfic background. While I was pretty sure that she wouldn’t, I wasn’t aware of just how much of a bad fanfic this book would feel like. I didn’t know that Clare was going to pretty much ignore anything that she might have learned from writing fanfic.

It’s a pretty accepted fact that in most trilogies, the second book is the stupidest. The writer has plenty of ideas for the first and third books, but they just can’t seem to figure out what to do with the second one. They can’t defeat the Dark Lord, but at the same time, something has to happen. Usually they set up some minor annoyance and have the characters deal with that. This book doesn’t seem to do much of anything.

Well, nothing that couldn’t have been done in a couple chapters anyways.

Cover Impressions

I’ve never been fond of the covers for these books. A girl’s upper body with her arms in something of a power stance over the New York skyline is…interesting, but it doesn’t really give much of an impression about what the books are like. Actually, I stayed away from these books because they reminded me of porn on a first glance.

This may or may not be a detriment to others.

Just remember, this isn’t porn.

Also, the quote from Stephanie Meyer about how she’d like to live in Clare’s world really doesn’t do anything to put me at ease.

Plot

Our plot as given by Amazon:

Clary Fray just wishes that her life would go back to normal. But what’s normal when you’re a demon-slaying Shadowhunter, your mother is in a magically induced coma, and you can suddenly see Downworlders like werewolves, vampires, and faeries? If Clary left the world of the Shadowhunters behind, it would mean more time with her best friend, Simon, who’s becoming more than a friend. But the Shadowhunting world isn’t ready to let her go—especially her handsome, infuriating, newfound brother, Jace. And Clary’s only chance to help her mother is to track down rogue Shadowhunter Valentine, who is probably insane, certainly evil—and also her father.

To complicate matters, someone in New York City is murdering Downworlder children. Is Valentine behind the killings—and if he is, what is he trying to do? When the second of the Mortal Instruments, the Soul-Sword, is stolen, the terrifying Inquisitor arrives to investigate and zooms right in on Jace. How can Clary stop Valentine if Jace is willing to betray everything he believes in to help their father?

In this breathtaking sequel to City of Bones, Cassandra Clare lures her readers back into the dark grip of New York City’s Downworld, where love is never safe and power becomes the deadliest temptation.

Now, I’ll summarize: After the events of the first book, Jace and Clary have realized that they are in fact siblings, at least according to Valentine. As such, they not cannot have a romance. Woe. To fill the aching void of her heart, Clary starts dating Simon for no real reason and continually angsts about how he makes her feel safe and content.

Simon is having his own problems. He thinks that because he bit a vampire at some point in the last book as a rat, he might be becoming a vampire. He’s having an aversion to light and is hinted to have a desire for blood, but that’s not really gone into by Clare. She’s much more interested in Clary and Jace’s little drama.

Meanwhile, Jace is angsting because his foster mom came back, and she doesn’t believe that he didn’t know that Valentine was his father. I mean, it’s not like that man could have lied the entire time, and he’d never seen any pictures or anything… Nor is it like Valentine looks absolutely nothing like the man who he claimed to be, and anyone who knew the guy would have known the difference easily. Really, the whole thing is stupid, but moving on. To prove how mature he is, Jace runs away, ends up in a bar fight, and has to get picked up my his sister because ‘she’s the only person he listens too’ and such.

Are you impressed by his maturity?

All the while, we’re told that not only is this cool, this is the only thing that he could have done.

After this, a woman known as the Inquisitor shows up. She doesn’t believe that Jace is innocent. She imprisons him in the City of Bones, for some reason that I was never too sure of, and lets him sit there while she is waiting to take him to stand trial (I think). Meanwhile, Valentine has been getting buddy buddy with a random demon who controls fear, and he manages to steal another one of the Mortal Instruments: the Infinity +1 Sword of Infinite Goodness, which tells if your lying. This a stupid thing for a sword to do. He plans to convert it to evil¹ by killing a fairy, a warlock, and vampire and a werewolf. Don’t ask why this works. Val manages to kill everyone in the City and stops to have a chat with Jace. Really.

Clary gets told that her brother just got unjustly imprisoned, and she goes to see what’s up. Well, more like storms over complaining about how sweet and innocent Jace is and wondering how anyone can dislike him. After having a weird dream about her mother, who’s comatose and isn’t really being mentioned much in this book, giving her a rune, Clary goes with Isabelle and Alec to the City of Bones. There, Clary uses her speshul new rune to unlock everything, despite how bad this is going to look. Before being reunited with Jace for long, all the adults, including the foster mom and the Inquisitor, turn up. They don’t believe him, and…he’s allowed to walk away.

Yep.

Alright, he’s a little wounded and so that make him shack up with Magnus Bane² to heal up, but it’s a little hard to swallow. As if an organized group of demon hunters aren’t going to have multiple points where you can heal up.

So, after this, Isabelle tells Jace and Clary that the Queen of the Seelie Court wants to talk to them because one of her court was just killed. They go to a faery party with Simon tagging along. Going to said party really isn’t very helpful, because the queen thinks that it was a vampire who recently killed one of her Court, and she’s pretty much uninterested in the Shadowhunters. She just wanted to know why they weren’t doing anything, and basically says that if they don’t do something, she will. She believes our protagonists when they tell her it was Valentine but shows the most common sense out of anyone in this book by basically saying that it’s not her problem. However, if Jace asks Valentine ‘what blood runs through his veins’, she’ll help out a little, for the giggles. Then, because apparently the gods of this universe ship Jace/Clary, she will only allow Clary to go home if Jace kisses her. This has no baring on the plot, other than making Simon get mad and leave.

Simon leaves and goes to see some vampires about his more interesting worries involving his becoming a vampire, and then he’s really turned into a vampire. Because as Clary puts it “humanity is overrated” and she couldn’t possibly have a normal love interest. Oh, by the way, this scene of Simon getting turned is never shown in the book, despite the fact that it’s actually important to the plot. We’re just told what happened when the leader of the vampires, who actually does show some sense, keeps Simon from being completely killed, brings him to Clary and Jace, tells them how to make him a vampire and explains what happened.

The next part is…confusing. So, Simon, now a vampire, gets captured by Valentine along with a werewolf girl that he’s going to undoubtedly hit it off with in the next book. Instead of just killing them, Valentine gloats a little for no reason. Simon basically tells him to go play in traffic, actually looks…fairly awesome…and gets seemingly killed. Valentine doesn’t kill the werewolf girl who was right beside him and goes off and captures Clary. Someone needs to explain to Val that it’s best to kill potential problems. Then again the the protagonists couldn’t possibly win against a somewhat capable villain.

Jace gets caught by the Inquisitor,³ and it turns out that she just wants to kill him so that Valentine will feel what she felt when her son (who was actually on Valentine’s side in the prior war or something) was killed. The Inquisitor ends up eating crow when Valentine basically tells her to go ahead and kill Jace. Jace escapes (naturally) and the Inquisitor acts all humble and shocked and apologizes. She then dies right after learning something about Jace,⁴ and he runs off to save Clary. Before that happens, Jace finds the not quite dead Simon in the process. Val also needs to make sure that when a vampire looks dead that they are dead.

Jace ends up letting Simon drink his blood to help him, which turns Simon into a Uber Vampire who doesn’t get hurt by the sun. Since Simon was refusing to be like every other supernatural creature in this series and ditch his loving mother to hang out with cooler people, this solves some problems.

But it’s really because only speshul people are good enough for Clary.

Nothing really happens in the confrontation, Val gets away with the sword and the cup, everyone gets saved, and Simon and Clary break up.

That’s it. Moving on.

Characters

Clary: Clary has grown more annoying from the last book. She hardly ever thinks about her mother, gets all upset whenever someone calls out the Shadowhunters for being racist pigs, and generally contributes little to no active part in the story. She simply reacts to everything that happens. Her presence changes nothing. We do learn that, as any good self-insert, she is developing special powers that no one has ever seen before by making up runes/listening to the voices telling her what to draw. I’m not lying about the voices. They’re really there.

Jace: Clare has apparently forgotten every single rule about characterization in a fanfic, or she never learned it, because all she does is work on Jace’s stu-ish traits. One notable scene involves him walking into a werewolf bar and defeating everyone there despite the fact that they are seasoned warriors and he’s seventeen. Also, while Jace exhibited a lot a creepy traits in the last book, in this one, it’s very, very clear that he has no regard at all for human (or otherwise) life. He never seems to care that his actions could get his friends killed or himself killed, and he doesn’t seem to care that people are dying around him. He’s more interested in his daddy issues. Now, you could say that he saved Simon, but really, he didn’t do it because Simon was suffering, permanently caught between coming back to life and dying. He did it because (1) it would annoy his father, (2) because it might make the corruption of the Infinity +1 Sword not work, and (3) because he wants to get in good with Clary. So, despite her attempts to make him a Jerk With a Heart of Gold, Jace remains and is even more of a Jerk With a Heart of Jerk.

Simon: As I predicted, this guy had it hard in this book. Not only was he turned into the ‘boring and comfortable’ guy, Clare decided to get rid of some of his fans by making him more obsessed with sex than Jace, and thus not as cool. And more like Jacob Black. Since Clare couldn’t have Clary have in love triangle with a normal, boring human, she had to make him into a vampire. Credit where credit’s due, Simon’s transformation is one of the best written and well thought out parts of the book. Simon’s pain at not being able to tell his mother why he’s suddenly hiding in his room, the fact that he used to be a vegetarian as well as (apparently) a more of less Orthodox Jew, and his choices in life being completely stolen from him are tragic. His refusal to just run away stole the show. For a moment, I actually understood why people liked vampire fiction. The problem is that Simon’s sudden stu-powers felt like a cop out. It felt like Clare was trying to resolve Simon’s subplot as quickly as she could so she could go back to her pointless love triangle without worrying about real problems that would just get in the way.

Alec: Once again, this guy really doesn’t add anything to the overall plot, and isn’t even present for most of the important scenes. He is simply there to be gay, show how open minded Clare is, and give her slash fans something to gnaw on. This guy contributes absolutely nothing to the story, and he is as unrealistic as the characters in a slash fanfic. Which is, as far as you non-fanfic fans need to be concerned, about as realistic as the characters in Twilight.

Isabelle: She does one single thing in this book: she happens to be dating one of the Fair Folk, despite having been taught that the Fair Folk in this world use mortal girls. Thus, she is able to tell our protagonists that the Seelie Queen wants to talk to them. All this really is supposed to do is show how shallow Isabelle is and to move the plot along. She dumps him the moment that it is no longer convenient. This could have been done by someone else, but we have to see how stupid Isabelle is. Why? Because she’s a girl who isn’t Clary. And in Sue-fics, all the girls other than the Sue are either ignored or demonized.

Maya: This werewolf chick is supposed to be sympathetic. She was bit by her ex, had an older brother who tried to kill her before he died, and pretty much had a rotten life. The only problem is that, like SMeyer, Clare tries to make her secondary female characters as much like her main character as possible, and, like SMeyer, it means bashing humanity. Apparently, despite the fact that her parents are probably worried sick about her, or they think she’s dead and are devastated after losing both of their children, Maya doesn’t consider them worth her notice. They’re human and thus boring and ‘overrated’. She actually admits to never even thinking about them the moment she leaves. I guess sleeping in alleys with the possibility of being raped by some random passing psycho is more fun. As I said in my plot overview, she’s basically being set up as Simon’s Designated Love Interest and something for Valentine to target.

The Inquisitor: Once again, Clare falls into a Sue trope. Instead of disliking Jace because he’s a jerk, shows no respect for anyone or anything, and needs a good swift kick, she has to dislike him for a personal reason. After all, no one could dislike Jace because they dislike Jace. Her character is boring, flat, and completely cliché. If you’ve read even one sue/stu fic where morality depends on whether you like the main character, you have nothing new to expect.

Valentine: Once again, this guy proves himself be a pathetic villain. What’s worse is that when you read into his character, he’s the only person who actually thinks that humans are worth protecting. Therefore he’s evil. His grand scheme is to kill all supernatural beings so that humans will be completely safe. While I’d say he’s a Knight Templar, he’s not a really horrifying villain. What made Voldy a villain was that he didn’t care who he killed, and he had no justification for his hatred. Val’s also a lousy villain since he makes some pretty clear violations of the Evil Overlord List, like not killing people when he has the chance, or at least keeping them with him, and revealing his schemes to people. He also really does stop and chat with people for no real reason. You’d think that he’d learn after being defeated once. You know, Clare, there was a reason why Voldy didn’t just sit down with Harry for a cup of tea while explaining his evil plan.

Setting

While the world building itself is getting extremely problematic, having such logic problems as just how a werewolf bar doesn’t get normal patrons, the actual setting is handled well enough in this one to be at least readable. Clare shows knowledge of New York, the setting feels natural, interesting, and some of the images like how all the City of Bones is made from the ashes of dead Shadowhunters, are interesting and a little creepy. Good.

Now add some logic and I’ll give you more than three stars.

Theme

Er…humanity is icky and Clare’s made up stuff is so much cooler. If you like humanity, you’re an evil person.

Albinos are still evil.

If a guy makes you feel safe, appreciated, and loved, he’s obviously not the guy who you should be going for. Find the nearest arrogant ass and attach yourself to him. Even if he’s your brother, you’ll probably find out that he’s not anyways.

Family is only interesting as long as it’s useful.

Once again, it’s really that racism is bad. But when the main characters are themselves racist, it starts feeling a little stupid. Making another Harry Potter point, the Wizards who used terms like ‘Mudblood’ were usually the bad guys, and while the Wizards were woefully ignorant about Muggles, Rowling herself pointed out that a Muggle with a shotgun was going to win against a Wizard with a wand.

Weapon’s Research

This is new. As there was some more conversation about weapons, and Clare named a few things that weren’t Western and failed. Apparently, she thought that no anime or manga fan ever bothered to learn a little about Japan’s weapons. One such fail is her use of a naginata. In City of Ashes this weapon is given to Alec, who seems to think that he can use it with one hand. A naginata is a pole arm that is traditionally a woman’s weapon. You know that thingy that Sailor Saturn used? You know, this? That’s a naginata.

So basically, she’s not only going oh, look, look, Alec is gay, gay, GAAAAYYYUUUU, she’s also lacking some knowledge of how a person uses a pole arm: it’s not with one hand.

It only takes a little trip to Wiki, Clare.

Anime

Another new thing that I wanted to discuss. Since people started to actually pay attention to teenage trends instead of letting Disney and Hollywood think for them, writers have started to realize that there are not only female geeks, but there are geeks who are interested in more than just Star Wars or Star Trek.

The problem is that many seem to think that their readers believe that these people are stupid.

Some people, like Jim Butcher, give their readers a wink and a nudge and revel in the fact that they too are Dukes of Dorkdom. Others do their best to distance themselves from such uncool things by making fun of them or they try to show how in tuned with ‘geeky’ things by trying and failing to use these things to make their characters look cooler. Clare does the last two.

Not only does she have an almost three pages of making fun of some anime for no apparent reason other than to bash anime⁵ but she also attempts to describe Jace as an anime hero. I know my anime heroes. They are stereotypically loud, brash, rude, and generally nice guys. You learn that they are really sweet guys pretty quick. Jace is not in any stretch of the imagination a sweet guy. If Jace was in an anime, he would be someone like Uchiha Sasuke, with a boatload of fangirls, but an anti-hero at…best…

Sorry, but this really, really annoyed me.

Mechanics

Things haven’t changed. The dialog is witty, but brings nothing new to the table. The sentences are awkward and Clare likes her adjectives too much. I feel like Clare is going ‘See! See! I’m a professional writer! Look at all the neat words I use!’ instead of having the self assurance to use larger words sparingly.

Mythology and Religion

I didn’t really go into the sheer lack of research and holes in my last review. As we have more revealed about every race in this novel, I’m going to have to call Clare out on…well…everything.

Both werewolves and vampires are nothing but shameless rip offs of the commonly conceived movie versions. Clare has done no real research, and probably doesn’t care enough to know that The Wolfman came up with the silver bullet, and that vampires, in the folklore sense, are a step up from zombies. While I would be fine with her making things up, there is nothing new, original or interesting in what she’s doing. She’s just using popular ideas of vampires and werewolves without even thinking. It’s unoriginal and boring.

Next, the Fair Folk. I hate to inform Clare of this, but they weren’t ruled by queens in folklore. In Scotland, the Fair Folk were divided into the Seelie (or Chaotic Neutral to Chaotic Good) and the Unseelie (Always Chaotic Evil) Courts. Both were ruled by kings. In the Irish stories, everyone was ruled by someone called Finvara. To my knowledge, the thing with queens only turned up when Spenser wrote the Fairy Queen, which was really his way of getting into Queen Elizabeth’s good graces. I’m calling this out because it’s become a cliché. I’m bored with it. Show some originality.

Also, The Fair Folk were not ‘evil’ or ‘amoral’. Actually they were a lot like people would be they were longer lived and had magic. They had a code of honor, were kind of nosy about what humans were doing, and had no problem whatsoever with punishing people for breaking the rules (either theirs or humanity’s). So long as you were polite, decent to people and left the Fair Folk alone, they would usually leave you alone. Usually. Finally, to say that the Fair Folk came from a union between angels and demons just to jam them into Clare’s little mythology is annoying. Some stories claim that the Fair Folk were angels ‘not good enough to stay in heaven but not bad enough to go to hell’ but others say that they were the old gods and others say that they just are some kind of natural thing. It’s best just to leave what they are alone. Once again, all Clare is doing is using the popular ideas without adding or even researching anything.

Finally, on angels. I’ll admit, angels aren’t my personal strength. As a practicing Catholic, I have a working knowledge of angels, mostly concerned with who’s the patron of what, and some knowledge of the ranking system, as defined by the Church, but I wasn’t sure enough of my knowledge of the Nephilim to make a judgment, so I got our own Danielle to help me.

In her words:

‘The Nephilim are basically a fantasy writer’s best friend, especially when said writer doesn’t care about biblical accuracy—the reason for that being how little we know about them. The Nephilim are mentioned briefly in the book of Genesis, and again in Numbers, almost in passing. All the verse in Genesis says is “The Nephilim were on the earth in those days—and also afterward—when the sons of God went to the daughters of humans and had children by them.” The verse in Numbers basically just says “We saw the descendants of the Nephilim.”

Many scholars believe the Nephilim are the offspring of unions between fallen angels (aka demons) and mortal women, because true angels don’t have children. Some theorize that the Nephilim-offspring were giants, and that Goliath’s people were distant descendants of the Nephilim. This theory is bolstered by Numbers: “We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them.” As the speaker says that those men were descendants of the Nephilim, it makes sense that they would be giants. So if a writer wants to be accurate, any descendants of the Nephilim would be giants.

However, I know a lot of writers who take HUGE liberties with the Nephilim—even Christian writers. Ted Dekker changed them for one of his series, making the offspring vampires instead of giants. Other writers give the Nephilim various superpowers, superhuman good looks, etc. It’s annoying, but oh well.’

I don’t really see how I can add to that.

Literature

Speaking of shamelessly taking from popular conceptions, Clare has a lot of Bible Fail and Literature Fail in this lovely. For example, she insists on re-quoting how Satan was the character Milton was actually supporting in Paradise Lost. Speaking as a lit major, he wasn’t. When you actually read the whole thing, and not just some of Satan’s spiffy speeches, it’s pretty clear that Milton’s making fun of him, and that Satan’s a hypocrite. Pandemonium being about as big as a bird house and how, as time goes on, Satan tends to contradict himself are examples of this. Also, in the words of my professor: “you’d be a pretty lousy Deceiver of the Nations if you weren’t very charismatic.”

And once again, Clare seems unaware that there are people, and quite a few of them, who actually believe the Bible. It’s not really the best choice of material to play with. She constantly quotes the Old Testament, uses it to make herself sound smarter, and generally adds nothing to the book but my irritation. It’s pretty stupid to quote the Bible and think you sound smart. As it’s such a major text and some Christian groups pretty much memorize it, you’re not really impressing anyone.

Final Assessment

I’m not going to lie. This book is bad. Clare seems to have almost forgotten most of her original ambition in the first book. She’s not really trying to come up with anything new or exciting. She’s more or less following tried and true methods to write a more or less successful YA book. The pointless love triangle is even more pointless, and there’s kind of a drag in the book.

I’m assuming that Clare really didn’t know what to do with this one, while she had some more ideas for the next one.

Would I recommend it? No. Most of halfway the charming things of the first book aren’t really there, and I feel that Clare herself is too impressed by her own characters to be able to step away from them and see where they need to be improved. Worse, she seems aware of criticism and answers by trying to show us why we are wrong.

Always a bad tactic.

Since I’m not wasting my money on this thing, I don’t know when I’m going to be able to review the third novel of this joy.

So, next up is Fallen.

Score: 3 out of 10

Just remember, I’m always up for listening to recommendations.

¹ The benefits of which are not really explained well. Maybe when it’s evil, it becomes a weapon. As opposed to the World’s Most Inappropriate Truth Detector

² Remember the painfully gay stereotype that hosts random parties? Apparently he’s very popular in the fanbase. Even if he doesn’t actually do much other than flirt with Alec because if two guys are gay, they are automatically attracted to one another.

³ Remember her? One of the main plot problems?

⁴ Probably that he and Clary aren’t really related after all, so they can get it on without risking deformed babies.

⁵ She also seems unaware that anime is not always, or even usually, about tentacle porn and sex.

Comment [73]

After Twilight and all of its…something…graced print, it became very clear that there was a hungry market for paranormal romance. As such, several soulless clones rose up to follow the footsteps of the original the way that a zombie follows a necromancer. All of these books follow the same basic pattern: An ordinary high school girl that has always been somehow different than everyone else comes to a new school. There she meets a dark, brooding, attractive guy who both follows her around and gives her signals that he’s not interested in her. Eventually, she finds out that he is some kind of humanoid supernatural creature, and they both angst about their love and brood together for a few books in which a pointless love triangle is set up, and some random somewhat evil guy is made up in order to give something like a plot to the trash.

One of the first books to follow into the footsteps of SMeyer’s joy was called Fallen by Kate Lauren. As she’s never written anything before this, it’s pretty safe to say that she was either a Twihard who got inspired or a pragmatist who saw a good money making scheme. I’m going to guess Twihard.

This book got fairly popular and pretty much launched the fallen angel romance genre. With all of it’s smug religion fail and utter lack of anything that resembles research. It’s even got a movie in the works by Disney. Which I am very, very disappointed in Disney for doing.

So, let’s dive in.

Cover Impression

The cover also launched something: the girl’s in prom dresses for no real reason that most YA paranormal romances seem to think is necessary. So, we have a girl who looks like she’s never seen the sun in her life, or is just a statue, with her face in her hands wearing a gothic prom dress. The dress looks like it’s trying to be Victorian and failing because as even the most causal observer would tell you, there was no such thing as a completely strapless Victorian dress. Our goffic weeping chick has long black hair to go with her dead pale skin and black dress. She’s standing in what seems to be a winter woods with some crows around her for no reason. Above is a quote from P.C. Cast, a charming mother/daughter team that seems to think that being ugly is sufficient reason to die, recommending the book, and the words: “What would you know if the person you were meant to be with could never be yours” or something to that effect on the back.

I’d get a carton of Ben and Jerry’s, rant about what a jerk he was and how I was better off without him and work on my next chapter/review/whatever.

Thank you.

Plot

From Amazon:

There’s something achingly familiar about Daniel Grigori.

Mysterious and aloof, he captures Luce Price’s attention from the moment she sees him on her first day at the Sword & Cross boarding school in sultry Savannah, Georgia. He’s the one bright spot in a place where cell phones are forbidden, the other students are all screw-ups, and security cameras watch every move.

Even though Daniel wants nothing to do with Luce—and goes out of his way to make that very clear—she can’t let it go. Drawn to him like a moth to a flame, she has to find out what Daniel is so desperate to keep secret . . . even if it kills her.

Dangerously exciting and darkly romantic, Fallen is a page turning thriller and the ultimate love story.

A word to the wise, something that calls itself the ‘ultimate love story’ is pretty much doomed to failure.

Here’s my recap:

Taking out the pointless prolog, Luce¹ Price is a girl who’s been accused of arson. It’s said she started a fire which killed her crush/boyfriend. (I’m not sure what he was.) Like any good YA parents, her parents would never believe their daughter’s claims of innocence, even though she’s never shown any pyromaniac tendencies before, and send her off to a school called Sword and Cross. This pretentiously named place is a reform school where students have to wear black for no reason, no one can ever leave the property or contact their families more than once a week, parents aren’t allowed to really know about the conditions, and all of this is totally fine.

Luce claims that she’s innocent and it’s the fault of the anthropomorphic shadows that she sees that caused the fire. But she can’t tell anyone this because they would think that she’s insane. This makes sense. Still, why wouldn’t her own parents at least believe that their daughter might not be guilty?

Walking through the halls on the first day, Luce comes face to face with a guy named Daniel Grigori. Who is a badboy and breaking the school’s all black dress cold by wearing a red scarf. The horror.

He flips her the bird on first sight.

Swept off her feet by this sign of love, she begins stalking him relentlessly.

Like most clones, there is very little actual plot in this novel, and the sentence above could easily account for three-fourths of what is going on. But I’m feeling sadistic, so I’m going to recap.

So, Luce goes to her first, painstakingly described class, and ends up getting flirted with right off the bat by a guy named Cam…who looks like Harry Potter. Black hair, thin, emerald green eyes. It’s Harry Potter. Luce’s roommate, Arrianne, a self-proclaimed psychopath, obviously is taking notes from that girl in The Roommate and proclaims that Luce is ‘hers’. This disturbs me.

Not one to care about the psycho roommate, Cam continues flirting with Luce, who is more interested in seeing if Daniel, the guy who flipped her off two seconds ago, is looking at her. Later, Luce meets our Scary Sue, named Mary Margaret² AKA Molly Zane, who antagonizes Luce for no real reason and ends up getting meatloaf all over Luce. Luce angsts. I would feel more sorry for her if she had an actual personality.

Later, Luce goes to a party³ and realizes that Daniel might be seeing someone else, a blonde (the horror) girl named Gabrielle (Gabbe) Givens.⁴ She goes off to angst. Later on, she meets a girl named Pennyweather (Penn) Van Syckle-Lockwood. I am not making this up. The two become friends and start to stalk Daniel together. They make plans to go through his personal files.

Meanwhile, Luce is still stalking Daniel in person. They have a swimming class which is apparently built in what used to be a Catholic Church, and the students call it Our Lady of Fitness. This allows Luce to talk about how enlightened she is as an agnostic. Talk about tolerant. Luce sees a shadow that messes up her little swimming race, and she and Daniel manage to have a conversation about how Daniel knows things about Luce that he shouldn’t. Such as the fact that she has ‘always’ been a good swimmer. Luce feels a connection, and Daniel thinks she needs to get over herself.

I agree.

This conversation repeats itself a few times at a lake on the grounds and in the graveyard that also exists on the grounds. Do you think that Kate was trying to be gothic? Still, Daniel himself has very little actual presence in the first four fifths of the novel. He rarely interacts with Luce, and while the whole plot revolves around him, it’s mostly Luce’s obsession that keeps it this way.

So, after being assigned a project to learn about their genealogies, Luce, who claims to be smart, decides to forget learning about her own genealogy, and starts to learn about Daniel’s. What she learns with Penn’s help is that Daniel got arrested for jaywalking, and that someone named D. Grigory published a book about fallen angels, here called ‘Watchers’ like the Book of Enoch calls them. Hrm, I wonder what this could mean…

But the library doesn’t have the book! How could this be! Even the librarian, Miss Sophia, the only teacher that Luce likes, doesn’t know. While she’s sitting around the library, thinking of what to do after Penn leaves her, a fire starts for no reason in the library. She is trapped with only her and a quiet guy named Todd⁵ who manages to save her, but breaks his neck in the process.

Luce wakes up in the hospital, talks to Arrianne and Gabbe, who so far have had no real point in this story. They are about as flippant with Todd’s death as everyone was in the death of Elliot the ugly guy in House of Night⁶. Luce decides that they’re right. Todd was just a minor character, so who cares. The police appear, and, as they’re in a cruddy YA novel, are all suspicious and mean to the ‘totally innocent’ Luce. Her parents turn up for no reason other than to say ‘see, see, she’s not Bella! Her family lives together!’

At the funeral of the guy who saved her she goes to stalk Daniel, who hints that he does really like her. Luce is happy.

I feel sorry for Todd. He had so little presence in the novel, but I actually morn him slightly.

Cam, the rival, decides to get her to skip class with him and go have a picnic in the cemetery a week or so later. They sit, talk about normal things and sound like actual teenagers for once. Cam says he wants to meet up with Luce at some point when they’re supposed to all be in their rooms. Luce says sure. Despite the fact that she’s obviously more interested in Daniel. That night, instead of calling her worried family or so called best friend who never appears in the novel, she decides to meet up with Cam, who somehow manages to fool all the security cameras and gets a friend to smuggle her out to meet him in the nearby town. Why he doesn’t meet her himself is beyond me. Luce gets taken to a bar where Cam is kind of sleazy, gets in a fight for no real reason other than to show how bad he is for Luce and to murder his prior characterization. Luce leaves and is suddenly picked up by Daniel who is now channeling Edward Cullen and stole a car to get her.

Cam runs after her, and Luce is given a moment of Significant Choice between Cam and Daniel Obviously, she chooses Daniel. He, still challenging Edward, calls Luce a silly little girl. Luce has some awkward exposition where she suddenly gives her grades and ambition to be a psychiatrist which is never mentioned before and never will be mentioned again, and finally Daniel admits that they do know one another but that every time that he meets her, she dies before she’s legal, and basically admits that he’s one of the Fallen. Then he kisses her.

Now this is what I call a romantic first date.

The next day, Miss Sophia, the librarian, tells Luce that she found the book that Daniel’s supposed ancestor wrote, and when she looks at the author’s picture (surprise, surprise) it’s Daniel with a girl who looks just like Luce!⁷ I am not impressed.

Luce doesn’t get this. The Fallen thing, I mean. She’s alright with the past lives. Cam gets Luce to see her again, and tells her that she’s making a mistake with Daniel to do avail since she’s already kissed him and apparently that’s as good as being married in this world. Then he gets her to kiss him and tries to rape attack make out with do something to her and then Gabbe turns up and saves her from something.

She goes to see Daniel in the auditorium with Penn, and Gabbe and Arianne are waiting for her. They all tell her that they’re good Fallen, and that she gets reborn every time that she dies. Cam appears with a bunch of shadow monsters, reveals he’s an evil Fallen, and he and Daniel basically start fighting over Luce with Arrianne and Gabbe helping.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Miss Sophia turns up and makes Luce and Penn follow her, while the Fallen have it out with one another. We never see this fight. After all, that would be violent and not good for our little darlings. Violence is bad. The messed up themes of this book are perfectly alright though.

Penn shields Luce from an attacking shadow monster. Miss Sophia leads them both into the gym⁸ and commits the Unfortunate Implication ridden act of killing Penn, the only human character in the cast. Miss Sophia reveals that she too is an angel. Only she’s not Fallen and she wants to kill Luce so that Daniel will suffer. Or something. The story isn’t overly clear on why she wants to kill Luce. I think Kate thinks she’s being mysterious. Either that or at this point, my mind was so overcome with stupid that I just didn’t care anymore.

So, Sophia’s been behind a lot of Luce’s past live’s deaths, and she says that this time, because her parents are super rare agnostics and Luce hasn’t been baptized, she will die permanently but she also has a spark of individuality. Which is very tolerant of people and ideas that Kate doesn’t agree with.

Sophia also has this utterly awesome line right before she’s about to stab Luce:

“When you die tonight – you die. That’s it. Kaput. In this lifetime you’re nothing more than you appear to be: a stupid, selfish, ignorant, spoiled little girl who thinks the world lives or dies on whether she gets to go out with some good-looking boy at school. Even if your death wouldn’t accomplish something so long-awaited, glorious, and grand, I’d still relish this moment, killing you…”

I admit it. I cheered, and I was in the car at the moment going, and everyone looked back at me like I was insane. But, Kate, when your reader reacts like this to a line that we’re supposed to shake our heads at and go ‘NO!!! U DON UNDERSTAND HER!!1one!1!elevenzies!’ you have a major problem.

Tragically, Daniel saves Luce and kills Sophia off-screen. He explains that she’s in some extremist group in Heaven that no one had taken seriously. This might be interesting if it had happened about four hundred pages of plotless drivel earlier.

At any rate, Daniel decides that Luce is in too much danger to stay at the school, and Luce goes off in a stolen plane to some unknown island without a thought in her pretty little head about just what her parents and best friend are going to do, what this is going to look like to the police, why she’s a target, or just how this is going to affect her future. The book ends with Daniel in full Edward mode, watching Luce sleep while Cam appears and solidifies that there’s going to be a pointless love triangle in future books.

Excuse me while I go vomit.

Characters

Unlike the Mortal Instruments series, Kate isn’t trying to live up to some kind of dream. Like the Mortal Instruments, she throws characters around, gives them almost no real point to the book, and calls it good. There are a lot of characters who come in this this book and few, if any, have any point. I’ll talk about the ones that actually existed for a reason. Let’s take a look at our cookie cutouts, shall we?

Lucille (Luce) Price is our braindead heroine for this novel. Most of the time, she’s pretty bland, but where Daniel is concerned, this girl is downright creepy. I can understand why her parents thought that there was something wrong with her. How many mentally healthy girls start following everywhere, break into the files of, look up everything about, and do nothing but think about a guy who has on no uncertain terms told her he wasn’t interested in her? Luce has plenty of informed traits, like being smart while she does a lot of really, really dumb things, and Kate beats into us three times in the book that Luce is agnostic and this somehow makes her more tolerant of other people while she makes intolerant comments about those of her classmates, who she assumes are all churchgoing. We’re told about how kind and humble she is, but really, she’s about as arrogant and unfeeling as Bella Swan. She actually dismisses the fact that a guy died to save her a few minutes after she hears about it as not a big deal. She is irredeemable.

Daniel Grigori really doesn’t have much presence in this book until the end, and he really has about as much personality as your average Ken doll. He is there to be handsome, desirable, and love Luce. Kind of pathetic really. I suppose that in that way, he’s superior to Edward Cullen, as his presence is so non-existent that it’s hard to actually dislike him throughout most of the book. Also, for the first part of the book, he reacts like a somewhat normal person to the fact that Luce is stalking him: by at least acting like he thinks she’s insane. There isn’t a whole lot more to say. Unfortunately, the moment that he shows an actual presence, it’s really had to tell him apart from the many other Edward clones.

Cam who doesn’t seem to have a last name in this book, is our rival. Unfortunately, he’s about ten times more likable since he actually has a presence in the novel. Apparently, Kate realized this, as she suddenly derailed his personality into being a jerk and making Luce do things that weren’t good for her, like sneak out of school. Same thing with his suddenly being an evil Fallen. It just seemed to sudden and forced that it felt like Kate had just realized that Luce and Cam had more chemistry than Luce and Daniel did.

Molly is our Scary Sue⁹ for the novel. She doesn’t really seem to have a reason to hate Luce. She just does. She also warns her away from Daniel for some reason, and makes fun of Luce’s name during a reading of Paradise Lost to note the fact that Luce and Lucifer sound alike. I found it very astute of her. Like most of the characters in this book, she only has few scenes, and really doesn’t play much of a role in the overall story. It’s revealed that she’s an Evil Fallen, but it doesn’t really matter all that much to the ‘story’ of the book either way. She contributes very little, other than a little angst, and disappears once there is something resembling a plot in the novel.

Penn the unfortunately named is the only human who is one of Luce’s friends. She’s also the only one of Luce’s friends to die. This is not a good thing. It leads me to think there is some kind of anti-human discrimination going on. She’s the daughter of the dead caretaker, is only allowed to go to school because of that, and because she’s with a bunch of psychos and delinquents, she learns as much as she can about them and seems to use that as leverage for them to leave her be. In good hands, her character had potential. Unfortunately, she was only used as a means for Luce to learn more about Daniel. Though, Penn did have one moment where she pointed out the Luce was in fact stalking the guy, and that did kind of make me like her.

Miss Sophia is our villain for the novel. Though she doesn’t really do a whole lot. Through most of the novel, she’s a bland teacher like all the other bland teachers so it…feels odd when she suddenly becomes the villain. We’re told that she’s a part of an extremest group of angels that no one took all that seriously until now. Apparently, she doesn’t like the Fallen. Her motives are very vague at best. She is also one of the most likeable characters in the book simply because she calls Luce out for acting as if the the world revolved around her and her ‘true love’. Luce used that phrase. True love.

Love Triangle

Yes. And it is terribly handled.

If you are going to make your male protagonist dark and mysterious through most of the book, it’s not a good idea to build up his rival. The triangle is treated as one, but in reality, I don’t know enough about Daniel to really care one way or the other about the guy. Just because he’s tall, blonde and brooding doesn’t mean much.

Also, because Daniel acted like a jerk when you first meet him, I forever kind of think of him as ‘the guy who gave the main character the finger’ and not much else.

Setting

An old military academy from the Civil War turned Reform School where cameras watch the students’ every move, and no one’s allowed to tell their parents what things are really like is interesting. In the hands of a capable writer, the whole thing could have had a really claustrophobic, creepy feeling to it. The problem is that there are some slight holes in the whole setting, and nothing is handled well at all.

I also have some issues with the Catholic church in a Southern military academy. While I know that many of the upper classes were Catholic, it doesn’t ring true that they’d only have a Catholic church on the grounds, when Catholicism wasn’t the most popular religion in the country. Particularly to many of the people who would have been attending that school. I know for a fact that after the Civil War, the KKK seemed to think that the Pope was sitting in the Vatican, twirling his nonexistent mustache and plotting how to take over America.

Also, Kate drops bits and pieces of the place’s past, but it feels like nothing more than an infodump. She’s obviously not really interested, and that disinterest kind of passes along to me.

Parents

Handling parents in a YA novel is hard. It’s boring when the adults do everything, so the parents have to be busy with something so that the protagonists can have an adventure. That doesn’t give an excuse for bad writing. Luce’s parents are horrible people. I mean, one look at this place, and most people wouldn’t be inclined to think that it would be good for their daughter. Particularly if they thought that she was innocent. To actually sign her over to a place where they can’t check on her reeks of self-centered, uncaring people who don’t care if their daughter is abused.

Another thing, Kate seems to think that I’m going to believe that these parents suspect her? Despite the fact that Luce never showed any signs of this before and there’s no proof that she did anything? Unless Luce’s stalking habits are normal, this just doesn’t seem like something that real people would do.

Theme

Stalking a guy is a perfectly healthy way to start a relationship. If said guy is uninterested, it just means that you need to stalk him a little more. He’ll come around.

Really, I’d assume that this is some kind of ‘love conquers all’ story. But the whole plot is so ridiculous, and the characters have so little chemistry, that the whole thing feels like a mutual stalking session. Luce stalks Daniel. Cam stalks Luce. Daniel stalks Luce. Stalking is love.

Mechanics

While Kate doesn’t fall into the Land of the Purple prose, it doesn’t fall into good prose either. The dialog particularly seems stilted and unnatural, other than a few times where the editor seemed to have a good idea what a normal teenager would say.

Kate does, thankfully, writes in third person, possibly because there isn’t much going on in Luce’s head. I’m grateful. It was bad enough to hear her whining without having to constantly listen to her thinking whiny thoughts.

There is also the issue that Kate has with her names. Everyone in this novel has some kind of ‘special’, ‘meaningful’, or ‘foreshadowing’ name, other than maybe Cam, and it’s done with all the tender subtlety of an anvil dropping on your head. Who names their child Pennyweather this side of the nineteenth century anyways?

While I understand that it’s kind of fun to make jokes with your readers or make allusions to something using the name, it’s another thing to give your guy a last name like Grigori. It would have been like Edward Cullen’s last name being Van Helsing or something to that effect.

Mythology and Religion

How do you fail, Kate? Let me count the ways.

First of all, pretty much everything we know about angels is either speculation or comes from Apocryphal works such as the Book of Enoch. Now, Kate doesn’t reference anything directly, other than referring to the Fallen as the Watchers, and she certainly doesn’t bother to even acknowledge hundreds of years worth of tradition regarding just what the Fallen are. Because she knows better. She certainly doesn’t consider the fact that, as far as pretty much all religions that deal with angels are concerned, the Fallen are evil. Irredeemably evil. A fallen angel is a demon. Why? Because, unlike a human being, they understand the full implications of a sin. They’re not doing something because they think it’s the right thing or that it isn’t a big deal. They’re doing it for the evils and for no other reason.

Once again, she seems unaware, or possibly just uncaring, that people actual believe in angels in the traditional sense. Instead of at least touching on how hers are different from the traditional view of angels in a respectful, well thought out way, Kate just plows on ahead, sneers a little at all religions worldwide, and proclaims herself so much better.

She also doesn’t seem to comprehend that by saying that there are angels, she has also inferred that God exists, and has therefore given herself a whole new group of problems that need to be dealt with. How can an angel defy God and still be good? Have they repented? Or is she making some point reminiscent of His Dark Materials? We get nothing. This is kind of a major thing to overlook, but she sure has.

Finally, her treatment of every single religion in the world is abominable. I should probably state here that I hate smug, self righteous, preachy fiction whether it’s smug Christian, smug Atheist or smug Hindu/Buddhist/Agnostic/New Age/anything else. It’s all equally rude. As such, I really, really, hate Kate’s attitude. Daniel mentions that Luce has practiced every major religion and then Kate has Sophia basically mention that they all destroy people’s individuality.

While I am fine with her stating an opinion, you have to have more than one opinion in a book. For instance, in Supernatural prior to season four, Dean Winchester believes in demons, because he kills them, but not God or angels. His brother Sam believes that if there are demons, there must be God and angels. When one states on opinion, the other will state the other. Hence, the writers of the show are not preaching. Two characters are showing their opposing views, and the writers haven’t said anything. Kate just assumes that her audience agrees with her and doesn’t give those that might not a voice.

Literature

Once again, we have Paradise Lost being referenced, mostly as a way to have some very ‘subtle’ foreshadowing, allow Luce to sit upon her laurels about how she’s so much more enlightened than all the churchgoing Christian delinquents,¹⁰ and have Molly mention that Luce is similar to Lucifer. I pray that I’m not going to find out in the next book that she is Lucifer, and she was misunderstood. She only tempted Eve, caused the fall of man and is trying to send all of humanity to hell for LOVE!

…

I hate everything right now.

Final Assessment

This book is boring. Even Twilight pretended that there was a plot. This just seems to be Kate’s random fantasy that should have never seen the light of print. It’s boring, pointless, and stupid. The characters are utterly flat; the main character is creepy; the only halfway interesting character is suddenly turned evil; and the best line was said by a random evil character.

Don’t read this book. At least Clare had some moments of fun dialog and STUFF HAPPENED. Yes it was stupid, inconsequential stuff, but it was stuff, and it happened. I’ll tell you right now, watching paint dry is more entertaining than reading Fallen.

Rating: 2/10 (I give it some points for not being purple prose and the setting would have been interesting if she’d actually worked on it.)

Next up is Hush Hush.

¹ Huh, Luce…Lauren… blast it all, you suethors are so easy to catch…

² I c whut u did there, Kate.

³ Which the reform school is perfectly fine with or doesn’t know about. Doubtful, as Kate goes through great pains to point out to us at every opportunity that there are cameras watching the students’ every move.

⁴ These names are…painful.

⁵ STOP, KATE, you’re not being creative. You’re being annoying. I know what ‘Todd’ means. THANK YOU FOR THE SUBTLE FORESHADOWING!

⁶ Basically, they mention it and kind of joke about it. Luce joins them and even gets snotty to someone (I believe it’s Penn, but this novel is so vapid that it slips my mind, and I’ve only finished reading it) who actually points out that a person died. This is the point where my feelings went from boredom to complete hatred.

⁷ I’m not sure that Victorian nonfiction books like this would actually have author’s pictures in them. The history books that I own from the Edwardian to late Victorian eras don’t. Neither do the novels I own. Photographs were a pretty big deal back then.

⁸ You know, the one that used to be a Catholic Church. Insert creepy music here.

⁹ In case you’re not aware, a Scary Sue exists as a foil to a Mary Sue. She insults the Sue pointlessly, is a toothless kind of problem, and really is there so that the reader feels sorry for the Sue. Often in fanfic, a canon female character, like Kairi in Kingdom Hearts is turned into a Scary Sue.

¹⁰ Another thing that Kate doesn’t seem to realize is that agnostics aren’t as uncommon as they were when she was a girl.

Comment [87]

This book nearly broke me. I’ve never had that happen before. This is the only book that has ever made me stare out into space, shivering at times while I considered the implications of what had been written in my life.

I am speaking, of course, of Hush Hush.

Of all the soulless Twilight clones, this novel takes the cake and brings many of the most disturbing aspects of the books to their logical extremes. Be very, very afraid.

Hush Hush was written by Becca Fitzpatrick, and she claims that it took her five years to write the story. I actually don’t doubt this, for reasons I will discuss later. It was published, gained a massive fanbase, and became a bestseller. Fitzpatrick doesn’t seem to respond well to criticism, writing such joys as this article, basically saying that if you criticize her work, you won’t be published. As such, you’d better be grateful that I’m risking my future to tell you just what I think about this book. Not to say that it isn’t worth it.

This is the story about how a guy comes into a bright young girl’s life, belittles everything about her, mocks her dreams, and slowly breaks her down until there is nothing left of her. With no help from her mother, friends, or teachers, the young girl slowly sinks and starts to believe that this really is love. She begins lying to herself, her friends, her mother and the authorities. In the end she truly starts to see that this is really a good relationship and he is, despite all his faults, a good guy.

The problem is that the author thinks that this is romantic.

I really can’t claim that I didn’t have a clue what I was getting into. I’ve read ZeldaQueen’s sporking of the book; I’ve read The Sparkle Project’s review; and I’ve even gone to see what they say on Amazon. I even noted that my library had this thing listed as ‘horror’. I thought I had a good idea what I was in for.

I was not prepared.

Cover Impressions

Fun fact: According to one reviewer of this series who was actually in favor of the books, Hush Hush and Twilight can’t possibly be alike because the covers are different. I’ll give you that.

The guy falling from the sky with wings falling apart is interesting. Apparently, the effect was caused using a trampoline. My problem with this cover is that it promises something that it’s not going to deliver. It promises plot. It makes you ask just why there’s an angel falling from the sky, and why his wings are falling apart. It promises to explain this and live up to the kind of neat imagery.

There is no quote on the front of this book by another author. I find this amusing because Fitzpatrick was saying that without her quote on the front of my book, it won’t be published. It appears that she did fine.

But, I’m a lowly unpublished writer who knows nothing about such things.

Plot

From Amazon:

Nora Grey is responsible and smart and not inclined to be reckless. Her first mistake was falling for Patch. .
Patch has made countless mistakes and has a past that could be called anything but harmless. The best thing he ever did was fall for Nora. .

After getting paired together in biology, all Nora wants to do is stay away from Patch, but he always seems to be two steps ahead of her. She can feel his eyes on her even when he is nowhere around. She feels him nearby even when she is alone in her bedroom. And when her attraction can be denied no longer, she learns the secret about who Patch is and what led him to her, as well as the dark path he is about to lead her down. Despite all the questions she has about his past, in the end, there may be only one question they can ask each other: How far are you willing to fall?.

Alright, here we go:

Our story starts with a prolog taking place in medieval France where a young man, just finished up with seeing some prostitute, which automatically makes him evil I guess. He is mindraped into submitting to a Fallen angel. Who has legs. This point is made very clear. He has legs. Take note of this. This guy is called one of the Nephilium, and suddenly we’re in a modern say school room.

Nora Gray, our protagonist who at least has a normalish sounding name, is about to take every teenager’s rite of passage: Sex-ed. This is being taught by the a coach who I don’t think has any business teaching anyone anything. Particularly since his taste in décor involves naked Barbie and Ken dolls smiling at the students. This would have unnerved me when I was in high school.

The coach separates up the class and forces Nora to sit with the new student. A guy with the ultimate bad boy name of Patch,¹ who has “a smile that spells trouble with a promise” (whatever that means). He wastes no time in starting to hit on her, make inappropriate comments and reveal that he’s pretty much been stalking her for a while. He knows her hobbies, future goals, dislikes, what instrument she plays, and belittles all of them. He also gives no information about himself. Nora is not impressed which makes he somewhat like her. She goes to the coach to get her to switch them. He refuses despite the fact that she flat tells him that Patch frightens her.

This is one of the things that makes this story so completely disturbing: for a good part of the novel, Nora acts like a normal person. She’s scared of Patch and his advances, and watching her slowly sinking into this relationship was one of the most sickening things I’ve never done.

The next day, Nora tries to get Patch to cooperate, gets humiliated in front of the class when the coach asks Patch what he finds attractive in a woman², and he basically says he likes them vulnerable, while making eyes at Nora. This is treated as attractive. Patch refuses to answer Nora’s questions continues to tell her that he’s stalking her, gives her his phone number and tells her that she’ll call him. Nora once again begs the coach to switch them. The coach feels too good about himself to consider that some little girl is feeling threatened by this guy.

When she tells her best friend, Vee, (who is once called “a few pounds over curvy” and then basically called fat through the rest of the novel) about the whole thing, Vee actually thinks that Patch is hot. So no help from her friends. Also a girl named Marcy Miller is introduced at this point. She is our Scary Sue for this novel, and she does absolutely nothing for the entire stinking novel, contributes nothing and pretty much exists so that Nora can show just what a wonderful, pure girl she really is.

Marcy slams Vee for being too fat, and Nora for being a nerd and then goes on about her life.

Obviously, Nora is forced to call Patch for the sake of her grade, and he is a smarmy smirking effeminately fluttering dandy about the whole thing. He lords the fact that she caved in over her head for a while, and tells her that he’ll talk to her if she goes to the pool hall to meet him.

Yes, you did read that right.

The pool hall.

Fitzpatrick, you seem to be slightly confused about what era you’re in. You seem to be under the impression that this is the nineteen fifties and badboys go down to the pool hall, wear black leather jackets and slick their hair back. Please do a little more research on what people actually do, or at least mention that this some kind of quirk.

Nora goes to said pool hall, and she shows the first signs that the author is gnawing on her intelligence. She starts to find him infuriating in a hot kind of way as opposed to really, really threatening. The way she saw him before. Anyways, he hits on her some more, doesn’t answer her questions, and if I were Nora, I’d pretty much allow myself to fail Sex-ed. And then launch a complaint against the teacher.

Of course, Nora doesn’t complain, and the moment she’s away, she pretty unhappy about things. It would have helped more if she’d just said no.

The next day, she meets Elliot, a transfer from an expensive private school. He’s nice and appears interested in her, and Vee starts pouting about how Nora has two guys. Nora wishes she didn’t have one of them, yet she keeps noticing Patch. During gym, Marcy appears and attempts some really, really awkward flirting. I mean the kind where she pretty much says ‘everyone sleeps with me, so you will too’. Now, I’m not a guy, but I’m pretty sure that, if I was one, this wouldn’t be something that I’d consider attractive. I’m pretty sure that most guys wouldn’t. This scene is pretty much the ONLY reason for Marcy’s existence in this book as well. Anyways, Elliot, showing some sense, isn’t interested. Nora is shocked and amazed that someone would not consider the blonde cheerleader pretty much demanding that they go out attractive.

Elliot invites Nora and Vee to an amusement park where they meet up with this friend, the completely silent Jules. Jules…is silent. I think he’s holding some kind of silent protest for being forced into this book. Vee finds him attractive.

While they’re there, Nora runs into Patch, who is obviously stalking her. Instead of threatening to call security or something if he doesn’t leave her alone, she goes and talks to him. For some reason, he gets her to agree to go to the rollercoaster called the Archangel³. Which is still made of wood and thinks that a hundred foot drop is a big deal. It depends on if it’s a straight drop or not, Fitzpatrick. Get with the times. Because Nora’s a stereotypical good girl, she hates rollercoasters, but she still agrees to go with him because Patch promises that if she doesn’t scream, he’ll tell the coach he wants to switch partners.

Because Nora’s feelings are just so insignificant. The coach will listen to Patch but never to an icky girl.

Nora suffers from some kind of hallucination that involves her being about to fall out of the coaster. Naturally, she screams. Patch is smug.

Now, I’ve actually once nearly fallen out of one of those cars. I was with my dad when I was very young, and the difference between our sizes was such that the shared bar offered me a lot of room to move. On one of the drops, I nearly flew out, and it was only because my dad grabbed me that nothing happened. The experience was terrifying, and the fact that Patch sits there and belittles Nora for being afraid of a similar experience makes me see him as a Complete Monster.

Is the killing of a fictional fallen angel murder? I see it as a service to humanity.

When they return, Nora finds out that everyone left her behind and went home without telling her. That was nice. Patch volunteers to drive Nora back to her isolated farmhouse where her mother isn’t home. Sounds like a bad idea to me, but she goes along with it. Naturally, Patch has a motorcycle to show what a badboy he is. Despite the fact that this guy has admitted to stalking her and has made his fair share of comments that could easily be seen as sexual harassment, Nora is more worried about what her mother might think if she found out.

When they get back to the farm house, Nora remembers that she’s with a guy who has commented on what how he’s watched her study from her bedroom window, and doesn’t want to let her in. Patch forces his way into her house and pretty much force-teaches her how to make tacos at knife point. I’m serious. Nora suddenly is finding herself attracted to him and wanting to kiss him. This is one of the points where I slammed the book shut and couldn’t touch it for a few days.

Once Patch leaves, Nora’s mother comes home, and in the conversation, which ranges from Nora’s dead dad to her mother’s work, this question is asked.

“Mom, were you ever afraid of Dad?”

Alarm bells should be ringing in this woman’s head at this moment. She should be interrogating her daughter on just who is making her ask this question. Any good, caring parent should be worried. Naturally, Nora’s mom doesn’t seem to get the message.

So, Nora goes upstairs, calls Vee and gets upset with her for leaving her. Vee shrugs it off and is very interested in what happened with Patch and the fact that they almost kissed. Nora, now sane, is unhappy with it and herself. Then she realizes that something was outside her upstairs window when she hangs up and is terrified.

At this point, the book’s tone changes abruptly. As well as the characterization of…everybody. Other than Patch. Patch is the same. This is way I’m pretty sure that it did take her five years to write this. Fitzpatrick started to write one story, but then she read Twilight and decided to use what she was already writing to see if she could make a clone.

So, the next day, Nora and Vee go shopping, (or rather Vee goes shoplifting⁴ and Nora goes shopping) there’s some awkward dialog about bras that no seventeen year old girl would say, and all of a sudden, Vee is telling Nora that Patch is bad news.

What.

On the way home, Nora is suddenly almost ran off the road and attacked by someone and Vee is hospitalized some time later. Vee thinks it’s Patch, since he was about the right size with the right eye color. Nora doesn’t believe her, but she continues to ask questions about him.

Meanwhile, at school, three things happen: one, there’s suddenly a new psychologist named Ms. Green who is telling Nora that she should avoid Patch, Nora discovers that Elliot (who is suddenly acting like a sleazy used car salesman) is suspected of murdering his ex, and Patch follows Nora out into the parking lot and gives this stunning example of his personality:

“A guy like me could take advantage of a girl like you.”

And this guy is considered a protagonist. We’re supposed to find this sexy.

So, that night, lying to her mother about going to the library, Nora goes out to talk to Patch at the pool hall. A fight breaks out (making someone was cheating) and Patch’s shirt gets ripped, showing off some lovely scars on his back. Nora automatically thinks that they’re wings because the paintings on the Archangel ride showed a falling angel with similar scars. Because when I’m not sure about something, I look to carnival rides. She goes home, sneaks onto the computer, and googles it. But instead to using Wiki like a normal person, Nora looks up some weird personal website (rather like Bella) that calls itself Fallen Angels: The Terrifying Truth. Now, most people would think that this was written by a nut, but Nora believes it. This book claims that everything about the Fallen, which the site does call demons, that it says is verified by the Book of Enoch, which it seems to think is part of most people’s Bible as opposed to only being accepted if your a member of the Ethiopian Orthodox Church. According to it, Fallen can’t feel anything physically, they can only possess people during the Jewish month Cheshvan,⁵ and that only works on the Nephilium.

Nora believes the whole thing.⁶

Yeah guys, the plot, such as it is, has finally managed to wander in. It’s a little drunk and very late, but hey, it’s here right?

On the way to walk to the hospital, (I guess this is a small town) Nora gets lost, and ends up asking a homeless woman for directions. This homeless woman acts like no other homeless woman I’ve ever met and demands Nora’s mittens and coat, and after revealing that it’s only down the alley, she walks away. And is promptly shot by a sniper. I am not making this up. She is shot by a sniper out of nowhere.

Nora, being upset, calls the one person she things can help her: Patch. Because when I feel terrified, I call my stalker/sexual predator. Patch turns up in a pickup truck that he claims to have won off of someone, takes her with him, and instead of taking her home like he said he would, he takes her to a hotel and demands a room. The clerk, completely ignores Nora’s protests and the fact that she obviously doesn’t wish to spend the night there, and gives them one. The moment they’re alone, Nora goes back to trust him completely and allows herself to sleep there. With him. I know that I was supposed to be squeeing or something, but I was actually feeling kind of sick.

Oh, she lies to her mom about what’s going on. Isn’t Nora a great daughter?

Nora, like a good Sue, has a Significant Dream, where Patch and another Fallen are talking about what they’re going to do with their Nephilium who have been basically enslaved by them. It is greatly implied that they’re going to use these bodies to have sex. Oh, just for future reference, the actual owners of the bodies are completely aware the whole time they’re possessed.

Anyways, Patch implies that he doesn’t want to do anything, he wants to be human. Which is the first I’ve seen of him actually having anything but scorn for all humanity. The dream changes to Patch talking to Ms. Green, who is revealed to be a real angel. She tells him that since she loves him, she’s been trying to get him to be re-accepted by the angels, and that she’s finally done it. He can be a guardian angel. Patch gets snippy and says that he’s an Archangel and he doesn’t want to protect the pitiful humans he wants to be human. Green says that to do that, he needs to kill someone. He says he’s already got a girl who’ll work.

You did just read that right. He’s been following Nora around just so that he can bring her here to this hotel and murder her. So he can be human.

When she wakes up, Patch knows what she saw, pins her kicking and screaming to the bed, admits that he was planning to kill her, that he did all this to kill her in cold blood, and then says that he doesn’t want to anymore.

This is another point where I couldn’t read further for a while. I just…couldn’t.

And then Ms. Green attacks out of nowhere. Once again, we’re not allowed to see the fight scene, which might have been at least tolerable, because Patch gets Nora out of there and proceeds to fight off screen. Nora then gets a call from Vee, who decided to break into school in the middle of the night after she got out of the hospital so that she could play hide and seek. I repeat that: she want’s to play hide and seek.

And she’s seventeen.

…Maybe I’m a little out of touch being homeschooled and all, but…er…the people that I knew when I was seventeen considered themselves to be a little old to play hide and seek.

At that point, Elliot takes the phone, tells Nora that if she doesn’t turn up, Vee is dead, and hangs up.

What does Nora do? She goes to watch a movie!

Yep.

Patch turns up, and Nora doesn’t want to go with him, but as usual, no one listens to her. I’d feel sorry for her if her selfishness didn’t pop up so much by this point. Patch literally drags her out and forces her to go to the school. They look around, Nora splits up from Patch, and then when Nora goes into the chem lab, Jules pops up, locks the doors and basically tells her to sit down, shut up or her friend is going to die.

Feel free to cock your head in confusion about just where this came from.

In the space of three sentences establishes himself as the most sympathetic character in the book. It’s revealed that Jules was the noble from the prolog that everyone’s forgotten about. He’s been forced to live for the last couple centuries, getting possessed by Patch (while he was completely aware remember) for a few weeks out of the year, and fathering little Nephilium. Which include Nora. Jules is…shall we say irked with Patch, and is out to kill him. Which involves killing Nora, since Patch likes Nora now, and Jules wants to hurt Patch as much as possible before he kills him.

Oh, and he shot that homeless woman thinking that it was Nora. This guy’s really on top of things.

The whole plot is full of holes. If Jules really wanted to kill Nora, why didn’t he just sneak into her room? Why wait? Nothing is ever explained.

Patch, naturally, turns up, reveals that Elliot is a stooge and is dead now⁷ and possesses Nora so that he has the power to kill Jules. Nora ends up getting killed, and then comes back to life for some reason that’s really beyond me.

They leave, the police arrive. Nora’s mother is happy that Nora’s managed to live through this. Vee lives and is just as stupid and shallow as ever. I rather wish she had died.

Nora admits that she really loves Patch, and he really loves her. They ride off in a motorcycle together, and Nora feels that Patch is redeemed. Or something.

Oh, by the way, for even more fun, it’s revealed that the Fallen can do mindcontrol. So all of Nora’s feelings and thoughts could easily be from her being controlled by Patch to do, say and think whatever he wants her to. All of those moments where she’s afraid of him could be her coming out of his control just long enough to be scared of what’s happening only to succumb to the mindcontrol again.

Sweet dreams.

How it should have gone

Everything could have gone up to the hotel, where Jules and Elliot suddenly break in and save Nora while she’s with Patch. They manage to get away, reveal to Nora that she’s being controlled, find a way to break it and return her to her original personality, such as it was. Jules reveals that he’s her great great something great grandfather, and he realized that Patch was going to try to kill her. He transferred to her school to protect her from Patch and to get revenge of course. Elliot reveals that Patch killed his girlfriend, who he thought was a Nephilium, and tried to blame the death on Elliot. Jules got Elliot out of it and told him what was really going on.

Elliot wants revenge for his girlfriend, so he joined up with Jules to track down and finish off the demon known as Patch.

So, after learning about all this, Nora finds about that Patch took Vee hostage, and demands that she come and be killed by him. Nora appears to come alone, but brings not only Jules and Elliot, but Ms. Green, who isn’t a Yandere, and is furious with him for breaking her trust. They eventually overpower him, Patch dies, Jules is finally able to die, and there’s some hope for Nora and Elliot to have a relationship in the future.

Doesn’t that both make more sense and seem ten times less creepy?

Patch

Patch is going to get his own section because really, I don’t think I can fully talk about him in a single paragraph.

Patch is the most disturbing male character I’ve come across in my life simply because he’s treated like a protagonist. No protagonist has ever behaved like this and been called a ‘good person deep down’ by the author. Maybe the fans when they write about them, but not the author. Even Eragon and Edward Cullen never decided to break down a girl’s defenses, get her to like them, and win her trust and affection only to murder her. At least those two pretended that they were normal, but Patch doesn’t. He doesn’t change in the book. He doesn’t see that anything he’s done is wrong. He just walks away with a pat on the back from the author, and I’m supposed to be thrilled that he was there.

Now, I’ve heard a lot of justification for Patch. Of course, there’s the claim that he really does love Nora and his stalking and sexual harassment are signs of that affection. I refuse to even consider that argument.

Still others simply say that this is a badboy love story and we need to get in touch with our inner sixteen-year-old to enjoy it fully. At sixteen, I had a thing for Kenshin, Riku from Kingdom Hearts (but only after Chain of Memories), and Ryou Bakura. So, I liked either really sweet guys or guys who were reformed in some way. I guess my inner sixteen-year-old doesn’t really help.

Another defense of Patch is sorry for the stuff he’s done, and he wanted to be human. Garbage. Patch shows no liking for people. He enslaves some guy for over six hundred years; he treats everyone around him like they’re a lower life form; and he obviously enjoys seeing the human that he’d enslaved suffer. What is there about him that wants to be human? Also, even if he wanted to be human, it means that he’d still have to kill someone to do it. So, no matter what, he’s a selfish little monster.

What’s really funny is that Patch acts a lot like what I’d think a demon would be like, so, in a way, Fitzpatrick did do the characterization of one of the Fallen right. The only problem is that the whole thing was about as romantic as watching a serial killer obsessing over a girl and then deciding that he didn’t want to kill her after all.

Other characters

Nora Grey, our female protagonist isn’t one of the worst heroines I’ve come in contact with, but she’s one of the ones that disturbed me the most. At first, she acts like she’s actually frightened of Patch, which makes reading the story hard. With Luce and Clary, they were so dumb and unsympathetic, that it was hard to muster up the emotion to worry about them as they went headlong into an abusive relationship, but Nora at first seems at least aware of the danger she’s in. And as she evolves into a typical selfish, unsympathetic heroine, it’s almost like watching Patch taking over her. What’s worse is when you realize that as the Fallen can mindrape people into thinking whatever they want, you never know how much of Nora’s actions are really of her own choice or not. She contributes very little to the ‘plot’ of the story, but she certainly raises some issues.

Vee is a character who was designed at first to be the backstabbing best friend, which seems to have been left over in her general lack of concern for the fact that Nora was being stalked. She’s supposedly the more boycrazy of the two (it’s one of her two defining traits) and she is fat. This is brought up repeatedly, and I find it rude. Vee contributes very little to the whole plot, other than being stupid enough to think that hide and seek was an acceptable game to play for teenagers. Unless she was being mindraped too… I really don’t want to think about that.

Elliot is an odd character. At first, it seems like he’s being set up to be the love triangle, but then suddenly, Fitzpatrick seems to change her mind and make him evil. Maybe she realized that he was ten times more interesting, likable, and more normal than Patch. His past with his girlfriend is brought up a few times, but doesn’t really make sense. Apparently, he had enough money to pay his girlfriend an apartment of her own, but then it’s said that Jules got him the money and he was a poor scholarship student. What happened to his family is never described, neither is the fact that as he was a suspect, when Vee and Nora were attacked, he probably would have been the first person questioned.

Jules is without a doubt the most sympathetic character in this book. Which is saying something because in the space of a few sentences, he proved that his eternal life as a Fallen’s little puppet was more horrifying and monstrous than Patch’s having his wings torn out. Honestly, I was cheering for Jules when he said he watched to kill Patch. He even shows more remorse over killing Nora than Patch ever showed to planning to kill her. He was set up to be a kind of surprise villain, but he said so little in the book until the end, that, as a reader, it just didn’t make any sense.

Marcy Miller is…well…really only there to be shamed for her evil cheerleading ways and for being an evil skank. She serves no other purpose in this novel. None. She’s not even a real antagonist since she only turns up three times. What really irks me with this character is that it’s childish and showing something like SMeyer’s obvious deep rooted jealousy of blondes because they snubbed her in high school. If you want your main character to be a virgin, good for you. If you want to have her not have sex in your book, terrific. It’s totally unnecessary to cram a scene in there where the heroine sits on her laurels and sneers at anyone who has. Marcy’s character is an insult to everyone. Whether you’ve slept with someone in high school or not. If you have, you’re obviously a flat, shallow monster who likes causing people pain. If you haven’t, you didn’t do it because of lack of interest or religious convictions, you did it because you’re saving yourself for your Twu Wuv.

Setting

There isn’t one. Fitzpatrick takes no time to describe the place where Nora lives. There’s no sense of space or location, and the entire place feels like a basic sketch that’s only there so the main characters can walk around.

The only thing that really strikes a person is that everyone, from the bum on the street to the waitress to the teacher is a jerk. Everyone acts like a complete ass, sees nothing wrong in Nora’s situation and completely ignore the cries for help that she does make. It’s like those horror movies where the director has decided that he wants to develop the characters so that it’s sad when they die, but the only thing they end up doing is making the audience wish the monster would kill every single one of them within the first five minutes. There is not a a single grounded person in this universe.

Badboys

I really hate this stereotype. It’s unrealistic, and it gives me flashbacks of a movie I once saw where a girl gave up everything she ever believed just because she like some badboy, and decided to be like him. What’s more, it’s completely setting a girl up for an abusive situation.

However, I also understand that the stereotype, in essence, involves a girl seeing through a guy’s reputation to see that he’s really a wonderful, sweet guy who takes care of kittens and would only hurt a real jerk. If only this was what actually happened in most literature.

The problem with the romance and the ‘plot’ of this book is that Fitzpatrick seems completely clueless that a for there to be a Jerk With a Heart of Gold, he must have a Hidden Heart of Gold.

Even Clare, for all of her inability to pull it off, did know that she had to at least invoke that trope with Jace. Fitzpatrick just seems to think that girls all want to be raped or something.

…

…

Moving on.

Mechanics

I wouldn’t say that Fitzpatrick’s prose is purple, but it is…odd at times. Lines such as

He had a smile that spelled trouble with a promise.

are fairly common. The structure of the story on the other hand is a mess. This thing follows Twilight’s pattern of having nothing happen and takes it even further. Fitzpatrick actually breaks up her action for weird, nonsensical scenes like Nora going to a movie theater to get away from Patch only to have him show up and watch as people bully her some more. Also, her characterization fluctuates like crazy on all the characters other than Patch.

Now, this could be the fact that Patch is really mindcontrolling everyone so that he play out his creepy little daydreams, but it’s more likely that this is just bad writing. Nora fluctuates between being a scared girl with a stalker that no one takes seriously following her around and a selfish little twit who whenever someone tries to step in to help her (like the police) gets all defensive of her sweet honey. Vee and Elliot are the same way. One minute they are one way, and the next, when it is convenient for the plot, they are completely different.

Villains

As a general rule, it’s usually a good thing to make sure that your protagonist is more sympathetic and likable than your antagonist. That’s pretty much Fitzpatrick’s greatest problem: her main character is more villainous than the villain.

Face it, the moment that you have someone who can possess people, you have a moral/ethical dilemma on your hands. If Patch had been suitably sorry about the whole thing, and shown it, the story might have worked. Someone who shows no remorse about possessing someone is pretty much irredeemable.

And I refuse to accept SMeyer’s justification that we can’t judge something non human because they don’t see the thing the way we do, and they’re so superior to us.

Possession is bad, Fitzpatrick. It’s the ultimate form of slavery. The fact that Jules doesn’t want to be possessed anymore is understandable. The fact that he wants to kill Patch is commendable. In the hands of a sane author, Jules would be a hero and a man fighting against a supernatural monster.

Even the fact that he plans out killing Nora is pretty much only there so that we see him as a villain, but that only works when you forget the Patch was going to do the same thing. As such, because Jules at least has an understandable motive for his actions, and maybe if Nora had planned with him, he might have changed his mind and worked together with her to kill Patch, Jules is less of a villain that Patch is.

Mythology and Religion

While Kate Lauren seemed to have some kind of thing against religion in general, Fitzpatrick just seems kind of clueless. Now, I’ve already stated the problems with with using the Fallen as protagonists in a novel. It just opens up a can of issues that need to be resolved. Fitzpatrick seems to not understand this and takes great lengths to pretend that the Fallen aren’t evil, despite how she herself characterizes them. She insists on having people call them the ‘devil’s angels’ as opposed to ‘demons’ and never seems to notice that running around, possessing people and using them to father more easily enslave-able half-humans to flip off real angels is actually wrong. Same thing with God. She’s got the Christian(ish) view of angels, but doesn’t seem to realize that God is usually involved.

Now, on the Book of Enoch. This book is considered to be an apocryphal text to pretty much every major Christian group, and it seems that the Jews don’t consider it canonical either. The book itself is, in many ways, rather interesting. It hints that Noah was albino (which does give a reason why he was somewhat separate from the general populace at the time) and basically says that all weapons, practice of magic, and other such knowledge was given to us by the Fallen, who are most definitely evil. There is no mention of them only being able to possess people at a certain time, nor is there anything about having their wings torn out in my reading⁸. I’m calling this out because Fitzpatrick is obviously sure that no one has ever read this book and is relying on that for her story to work. That’s not necessarily the case, as I’ve just shown.

Once again, it would have been possible to basically say that our ideas about angels were wrong. It could have been done, but Fitzpatrick seems so out of touch with what people actually think that she assumes that people will be alright with this. What’s worse is that there are probably people stupid enough to, even though they have a Bible, to think she’s telling the truth.

Final Assessment

I hate this book.

The characterization fluctuates, the so-called love interest gives me nightmares and the plot has about as many holes in it as a wire mesh pasta drainer. The author seems out of touch with how people and the world works in a modern setting, and she just claims to do research when she’s pulling stuff out of the air. What’s worse is that there are people who actually like this book. Who think that Patch is a good character.

I would happily recommend Twilight before recommending this book.

Even after this review. You are not prepared. Nothing could prepare you for the monstrosity that is this book, and if I never get published for saying it, I remain unrepentant.

Score: 0 of 10 (There is nothing redeemable about this novel)

Next up: City of Glass

¹ Yeah, that’s his name. And Fitzpatrick seems to think that we’re supposed to think it’s tough sounding. It just reminds me of one of the puppies in 101 Dalmatians.

² From what I’ve read, this scene was apparently something that happened to Fitzpatrick. She was told to write about a humiliating experience. She wrote this scene. And then she gets it into her head that this is…endearing?

³ This isn’t the first hammer of foreshadowing that Fitzpatrick drops on us. Patch also insists on calling Nora ‘Angel’, regardless of the fact that she obviously doesn’t like it. Remember, this is supposed to be attractive in a guy.

⁴ Which is no one, including Nora, so much as says ‘boo’ to. I admit, I was waiting for her to be caught on the security cameras and be hauled away by security.

⁵ In the Gregorian Calender, it occurs in October-November. Wiki wasn’t really clear on it, so I’m going to assume that it varies slightly.

⁶ I’m leaving out some stuff where the police turn up and act stupid, and Nora suddenly gets really defensive and can’t believe that Patch could ever really hurt someone. Oh, and how she lied to her mom about how Patch is into swimming.

⁷ He claims that he found Elliot dead, but I wouldn’t be surprised…

⁸ Actually, angels aren’t usually described as winged. They’re just painted that way. Ezekiel did mention that Cherubim have two faces though.

Comment [54]

After the horror known as Hush Hush, I felt like I deserved something kind of funny. Something bad, but in an unintentional comedy kind of way. So, when I found Halo, a blatant Twilight rip off only with Tastes Like Diabetes angels instead of sparkly vampires, I thought I had found a good option. And, in some ways, I was right. It was far less creepy than Hush Hush, and the love interest wasn’t sociopathic. Yet, somehow, the whole thing managed to make me more angry than Hush Hush or Fallen ever managed to.

The author’s raging ego, smug moralistic attitude, and obvious utter hatred for her own peers quite took my breath away.

There is nothing that this author manages to do right, and the sheer amount of failure made it so that, if I did review it, I wouldn’t have been able to keep it to a decent length. So, I did the only thing that I could. I decided to tear it apart chapter by chapter.

Background

So, Halo was written by the then seventeen Alexandra Adornetto, who had all the potential to become a Dancing Bear of the Paopao-esque kind. The thing is, she didn’t. She was published before this at fourteen, and no one really even noticed her. Even Halo hasn’t changed things too much. This isn’t to say that her work isn’t popular; it’s just that it never managed to quite achieve the publicity or interest the way that Paopao did. It’s still something of a Dancing Bear, and a bestseller, but the fanbase is pretty quiet about this one. The one person I’d talked to who admitted to reading the book said that she did so for ‘guilty pleasures’.

Meaning this not this.

Adornetto was published by a group that calls itself Feiwell and Friends, that states that “books are friends for life” or some such nonsense. I don’t want to be friends with this book. I don’t really even want to be passing acquaintances with it. I’m still annoyed by the fact that I had to pay for it to do this sporking. Oh, and she has the dedication on the copyright page. This seems…cheap.

Anyways, in my opinion, there are two things that contribute to the fact that Paopao is better known and more popular than Adornetto. The first is that, despite the fact that Paolini is trying to channel Tolkien but doesn’t have the verbal firepower or linguistic knowledge to do so, he can actually get a person from point A to point B. It might not make sense, and there might be huge things that aren’t explained or developed, but he can start the hero out at point A and have stuff happen that (mostly) justifies his going to point B. And stuff DOES actually happen. Adornetto doesn’t seem to realize that this is necessary for a story. Secondly, from Minoan Ferret’s article on Paolini’s interview and some personal research, he seems to be a nice enough guy. He even (kind of) tries to address things that his critics point out by sticking things in his later books. Which means that he at least listens. Adornetto has written such charming articles as Why Teenage Boys Suck More Than Vampires, presented here in sporked form for your sanity’s sake. I don’t know how she’s reacted to her critics as of yet, but this, coupled with the tone of the books, doesn’t reflect well on how approachable she is.

I was aware of this before reading this book, but I thought that, as a Twilight clone, it would be more of the same tripe that I’d gotten used to. Yet, somehow, she was even more tiresome than the original.

There is only one thing worse than smug, preachy, self-righteous fiction: smug, preachy, self righteous fiction where the author doesn’t know very much about the religion that she’s being smug, preachy and self-righteous about. And as I am a member of the religion that she is being so ignorantly smug about, I see it as not just my pleasure, but my duty, to point out everything wrong with her portrayal. And don’t worry, Adornetto, I’ve been brushing up my angel lore just for you.

This isn’t to say that I wouldn’t want to spork this thing for its lack of plot, stupid Sues, and general fail; I just get some icing on my cake for it.

Cover Impressions

Alright, shoot me, but I actually like the cover. The outline of a girl with wings that couldn’t possibly allow you to fly leaning in for a kiss with an outline of a guy leaning against the outline of a tree works for this.

Why? Because it is promising nothing that it isn’t going to deliver. There is no plot, there is no mystery or excitement or even conflict. It’s over stylized and over ‘pretty’ but really, you’re going to get just what you paid for. Pointless romance and angels that don’t really make any sense for the whole novel. Maybe a plot will wander in at some point, but that’s about all you can hope for. It’s pretty and pointless and fits the entire mood of the novel.

Alright, let’s jump right in.

Chapter 1: Descent

Our arrival didn’t exactly go as planned. pg. 1

There’s a plan in this book?

Jokes aside, this is our opening line, or hook, as people call it. It’s supposed to make the reader want to keep going, and I’ll grant that it’s following the usual format: a short sentence that hints that something is about to happen. I’d also like to note that, like Twilight, this book is narrated in first person.

Now, I don’t dislike this way of writing. In fact, in the hands of a good author, it can give the character a unique voice and really add to the story. Take The Dresden Files. It’s written in first person, and it’s really great. However, first person is also one of the hardest narrative modes because it’s so restrictive. You can’t discuss anything that isn’t right in front of the heroine, and if you narrate wrong, the heroine sounds like a vapid little moron or slightly sociopathic. But, hey, Twilight did it, so we have to do it here too.

So, they appear in a bright column of light right in suburbia in front of some random paperboy that we’ll never see again. I would have thought that the Powers of Goodness and Light (I refuse to refer to these bozos as ‘Heaven’) would have been a little more careful about that kind of thing. Also, she mentions that no one else is awake. I find this very doubtful. If there’s a paperboy, there are other people awake. Joggers for instance. Even if they weren’t awake in the immediate area, a bright, steady column of light is going to be seen for miles. You know that scene in Return of the King where that giant beam of light had people stare at it from another country? That’s pretty much what would have happened. The army would have been sniffing around and UFO theorists would be going wild. Yes, Adorenetto, people would notice it.

Also…I don’t know about most neighborhoods, but all the ones I’ve lived in have papers delivered off a truck. This whole thing has a kind of nineteen fifties vibe that makes me nervous.

Finally, Adornetto, you’re saying that after nearly two thousand years (if you don’t count various apparitions and such) God has sent down his angels to Earth, and the place they think needs them the most is middle class white suburban America? I can think of a few places that might just need angels a little more.

Congratulations, we’re not even off the first page, and you’ve managed to fail.

Moving on, the narrator mentions that the paperboy is shocked to see them for some reason and promptly launches into some description.

Despite our human form, something about us startled him—perhaps it was our skin, which was as luminous as the moon or our loose white traveling garments, which were in tatters from the turbulent decent. Perhaps it was the way we looked at our limbs as if we had no idea what to do with them, or the water vapor still clinging to our hair. pg. 1

The entirety of the book is written like this.

How does water vapor, which is a gas, cling to hair? Maybe their hair is made of smoke or something? Shouldn’t an editor have noticed this flaw?

Now, while the bodiless hosts of Heaven are in fact bodiless, this isn’t the first time that they’ve been visible. Nor is it the first time that they’ve been in bodily form. Gabriel announcing to the Virgin Mary that she was going to have Christ comes to mind, as does a story in the Old Testament about a man called Balem who was going to get cut down by an angel if his donkey hadn’t shown more sense than him and avoided it. There are other stories about angels having physical interactions with people, but I think I’ve made my point.

Also, why are they white? Seriously?

The paperboy swerves on his bike, crashes into the side of the road, and probably gets some minor injuries. He lives though and manages to stand up. The narrator and her three companions all reach out their hands for some reason (maybe the first draft had the kid on the ground) in unison. The kid is freaked out and makes a run for it, leaving the bike. The narrator thinks that it’s because she didn’t smile. Never giving a thought to the fact that it was because they just appeared in a beam of light.

You, dear heroine, are an idiot.

Our protagonist has some issues with walking around, which from the Bible (particularly the Catholic Book of Tobit where we had the Archangel Raphael descending and traveling with Tobit’s kid) didn’t seem to be much of a problem for the angels. Next, even if she’s never actually descended before, it seems like a kind of bad idea for you to beam down someone who can’t walk yet in the middle of a suburb. Why not just have them appear off the highway close to the city or something? That way, they can get practice walking at least. What is the point of appearing in the suburb? (No, I’m not done harping on this.)

The first named character, Gabriel, walks over and props up the bike. Thus ensuring that any passing thief can walk up and take it. Our still unnamed protagonist has a little fantasy that involves what happens to the boy.

I imagined the boy bursting through the front door of his home and relating the story to his stunned parents. His mother would push the hair back from his forehead to check his temperature. His father, bleary eyed, would comment on the mind’s ability to play tricks on you when it has time to wander. pg 3

Wouldn’t it be awesome if this kid had conspiracy theorists for parents and they believed him and thought that the aliens had landed and showed up with guns? Or at least, if they were people who would believe him and not assume that he just daydreamed about a giant beam of light coming down from the sky for everyone to see in the middle of a suburb?

What’s worse is that this really could have tied into the story. Something could have come from this. This kid could have told someone who ended up being important, but no. All we get is this little bit of narration, and we never see this kid again. That whole thing was completely unnecessary.

Gr.

Moving on, the characters suddenly head onto Bryon Street and start looking for number fourteen without explaining just why we are looking for this address. I know it’s so they can stay there, but for all the text tells us, it’s just because the paperboy’s conspiracy theorist parents are having a cookout. At this point the narrator complains about how weird and new everything is because she came from a pure white world and all of a sudden there is color.

This is why I hate novels that deal with Heaven. People can never manage to make it sound better than this world.

She complains about how awful and loud the noise is and how she can hear everything, and Gabriel tells her that she’ll get used to it. He has a “low and hypnotic” voice and my mind somehow went to places that I really don’t want it to go when concerning an Archangel.

I’m going to go to Hell for reading this book, I just know it.

The third character of the trio is named Ivy and she claps her hands like an infant when she sees the house that’s named Bryon. Apparently they named the house?

The streets of the town are named for Romantic Poets. But not the houses.

This seems like one of those obnoxious pretentious tourist traps that tries to get snobs to visit, but doesn’t have a clue what the ideas behind the Romantic movement were, other that the fact that the word ‘romantic’ was involved. It wasn’t about fancy houses or fancy language. Actually, the Romantics were noted for using less flowery language than the Classical Poets. If Adornetto is trying to use the Romantics as a motif, she’s not doing it right.

Our main characters stare at the house for a while, and we get some overly long description of the place and how it was “built to weather any adversity”.

Who talks like this? I know that this is supposed to be an angel, but seriously, this narration is annoying and pretentious. I feel like the author is just flaunting her vocabulary for the sake of showing off. Or maybe she was practicing for the SAT or something.

We get our very first conversation between our three characters, and I feel it necessary to show it to you all in all of its glory.

“Bethany, hand me the key,” said Gabriel. Looking after the key to the house was the only job that I had been entrusted with. I felt around deep in the pockets of my dress. [It was called a robe earlier.]

“It’s here somewhere,” I assured him.

“Please tell me that you haven’t lost it already.”

“We did fall out of the sky, you know,” I said indignantly. “It’s easy for things to go missing.”

Ivy laughed suddenly. “You’re wearing it around your neck.” pg. 4

I’m starting to see why Gabriel was needed on this mission. These two don’t have a brain cell between them.

I suppose that this is as bad a time as any for a name rant.

Ok, kids, it’s time to play a game! Can you guess what is similar in all of these names: Gabriel, Michael, Raphael, Uriel, Azrael, Sealtiel, and Jerahmeel? It’s the format of their names. Unless you’re talking about some of the angels in Islam, angels tend to have the same structure, ending in ‘el’, which always has something to do with God. Michael (Who is like God), Gabriel (Man of God or maybe Strength of God) and Raphael (God’s Healing) are the best known in the Catholic Church. There are others, but they’re more sketchy. Bethany is not an angelic name. Neither is Ivy.

Bethany has some connections to the Bible since it’s where Mary Magdalene, Martha, and Lazarus come from, but it means ‘House of Figs’, and it’s a place. Not overly pertaining to God. ‘Ivy’ is just a plant.

This is research that took me five minutes on Google. It would have been easy to just use some obscure, feminine sounding name (like Ariel, even though it’s traditionally a boy’s name) and go with that.

This is lazy writing.

They come into the house and stand around staring at the place, and we get another block of description. The house is all white and modern with marble everywhere, and it sounds like one of those super expensive modern horrors that feature in various magazines.

Or the Cullen’s house!

So, we get a break and are told that then first few weeks are pretty much spent doing nothing. The Agents of Light and Goodness are bums.

They sit there getting used to the textures, sights, smells and general reality of the human world. The problem with this is, naturally, time, and the fact that this doesn’t make any sense when looking at the few stories written when people did interact with angels. Is this saying that the Angelic Hosts were sitting around drinking fig juice while waiting to announce the birth of Christ for a month? Wouldn’t they have something better to do? What about the other mentions like where three angels appeared to Abraham and Sarah and sat with them? Or the Annunciation. These visits were brief, but at the same time, the angels were corporeal, so this whole recovery and seeing the human world thing is showing just how little actual knowledge or thought is present in this book.

Also, Bethany should know about the things she’s mentioned. From most religious texts, it’s not like angels stay exclusively up in Heaven. Bethany should have descended from Heaven at least a few times, particularly if she’s been around since before the planet was created. Even if she’s an idiot and hasn’t…isn’t there some sort of…preparatory course or something? Descending to Earth for Dummies? The Complete Idiot’s Guide to the Human World? Anything?

Bethany mentions that there is some faceless “mentor”, as she puts it, (Why does Gabriel need a mentor?) who’s prepping them. A little late don’t you think, morons? There’s some mention that the Powers of Light and Goodness are pretty clueless about renting houses since they think they can provide documentation after you’ve been living in the house for a week, and finally it’s mentioned that there are other angels all over the world, but it’s pretty vague, and then we come up with this gem:

There are some corners of the earth riddled with the Agents of Darkness. pg. 6

I think we found out what happened to the people who weren’t classy enough to stick with the Club of Evil when it became the Society of Evil. Instead of learning the proper way to stir Evil Tea or how to comment on a lady’s Evil Hairdo without being offensive, they just became their own group called the Agency of Darkness. I wonder if they sing the Mother Earth song.

Also, if there are places riddled with Agents of Darkness, why are these three sitting around this place goofing off? It seems to me that, if the Powers of Light and Goodness would like to get rid of evil powers, they might want to actually fight them instead of play games.

Bethany, sensing the importance of the situation, asks why toothpaste gives her a headache, and for whatever reason, the mentor doesn’t smack her and gives her a half-baked excuse to cover up for the fact that Bethany is such a Purity Sue that the slightest hint of Evil ^TM man made things harms her delicate pureness. I’m getting a toothache.

We get a long paragraph where Bethany whines about how hard it is to adjust to human life (AKA wearing clothes and eating), and Bethany mentions that she’s young. This makes no sense.

They spend another couple of weeks doing nothing. What is this, some sort of vacation? And how they love to read. Because nothing bad ever comes from books. And, apparently, angels like stupid human novels.

They mention that they avoid people, and when they go out in public, they seem so interested in one another that that Muggles, who would be just so interested in meeting them, won’t approach…and…I’m starting to want to scream DO SOMETHING at the book.

Blast it, we’ve heard mention of a war between Heaven and Hell, and I want to see some fighting!

Seriously, in a chapter, something must happen. That something must advance the story, and the events leading up to it must be interesting enough to keep the reader’s attention. Otherwise we have unimportant drivel that’s completely boring about characters who the reader doesn’t care about. This entire chapter feels like it could have been condensed or cut out. The characters sit around and contemplate their navels the entire time anyways. A halfway decent editor would haven’t have allowed this.

There’s some brief mention of going to see a priest who actually says “Good heavens”. His name is Father Mel. Like Mel Gibson. I wonder if this is intentional. So, anyways, the priest just automatically knows that they’re angels. I guess the Vatican has a special ‘recognizing angels even when they’re stupid’ course. I’m going to have some issues with the man later, so I’ll move on. We finally get our justification for this train wreck.

We hoped that in time our subtle influence in the town might result in people reconnecting with their spirituality. We didn’t expect them to be observant and go to church every Sunday, but we wanted to restore their faith and teach them to believe in miracles. pg. 7

Bethany, the Church canon disagrees with you. This is why I hate it when people who don’t know anything about Catholicism attempt to write about it. We are not a sweet religion filled with hugs and good feelings. It is actually a Mortal Sin not to go to church on Sunday, and you have to confess it lest you face Hell. You’d think an angel would know better. Now, there are people who disagree with this and say it’s not a big deal and God will understand. Fine. I just think that it’s a little presumptuous to assume that God shares this view when you’re dealing with a religion that doesn’t. Also, what about Protestants? Non-Christians? Hindus? Buddhists? New Age practitioners? There are a lot of religions in this country, and that’s another reason why, when dealing with angels, you have to be really careful.

Now, I don’t actually know what Adornetto’s religion is. For all I know, she’s nominal Catholic or something, but it doesn’t sound like it. And, no, the ‘it’s just fiction’ excuse does not apply to this. Adornetto, you are dealing with a living religion; there are people who believe that this is the truth. This is, for people who do believe, kind of like writing a story about how Abraham Lincoln had an illegitimate daughter named Raven who falls in love with John Wilkes Booth. Ok, maybe not Booth. Maybe a Southern general, but you get the picture.

Finally, ‘believe in miracles’? Did I just walk into some saccharine Disney knockoff or something? starts singing in a screechy soprano Miracles happen, miracles happen. You showed me faith is not blind! I don’t need wings to help me! Miracles happen, miracles happen…

Ahem

So moving on. While they’re walking by the docks, we meet…drumroll A BOY!

He’s fishing but immediately strikes up a conversation with Bethany, who’s the only one who answers because, as she puts it, “my human curiosity drew me forwards.” There’s only one problem with that, Bethany: you’re not human. You never were and you, hopefully, never will be. Looking human doesn’t make you human. The only person who was both human and divine was Jesus.

…Don’t you dare…

They have a stupid conversation about how he’s fishing and throws everything he catches back in, which is really sweet and all, so long as you know nothing about fishing.

Think about it. The fish is, essentially, putting a sharp hook in it’s mouth that the person uses to drag it out of the water. So now you’re going to take this fish that is probably in as much pain as a fish can feel (you take one of those hooks and push it through your lip) and just throw it back? Why are you catching it in the first place? At least fishermen are killing the thing for food. You’re just using it as an excuse to bum around, and I have the feeling that Adornetto is sitting behind the keyboard feeling good about herself because, while he fishes, he doesn’t kill the poor things.

No, he just tortures them.

This is, naturally, lost on Bethany, who’s too busy expositing about how hawt Boy is.

The boy’s light brown hair was the color of walnuts. It flopped over his brow and had a lustrous sheen in the fading light. His pale eyes were almond shaped and a striking turquoise blue in color. But it was his smile that was utterly mesmerizing. So that was how it was done, I thought: effortlessly, instinctively, and so utterly human. As I watched, I felt drawn to him, almost by some magnetic force. pg. 9

Meet our love interest. Bethany literally falls in love with the first guy she sees.

…I have nothing to say to this.

So, Boy asks if Bethany wants to try torturing the fish, but Gabriel tells Bethany to “come away”.

I noticed how formal Gabriel’s speech pattern was compared to the boy’s. pg. 9

Bethany, you are not in the position to talk about over formalized diction. I’ve seen your interior narrative.

As they leave, Bethany gets prissy about how Gabriel was being ‘rude’ and at least trying to act like a heavenly being and not being overly interested in teenagers and their stupid hormones. Ivy speaks, doesn’t sound like a braindead infant for once, and backs up Gabriel, saying that they’re not ready to contact people yet. Bethany says that she thinks she is and looks behind her as Boy is watching them and still smiling.

I know that this is supposed to show that he’s sweet and interested in her…but honestly…I think it’s…creepy. It’s like his brains have been sucked out to be replaced with a kind of dull happiness.

…BETHANY’S A MIND VAMPIRE!

That’s our first chapter, people, and it’s not going to get any better than this.

If you have a religion, pray for me, if not…send me good vibes or something. Or just comment about how stupid this is.

Comment [48]

Given the bad beginning of the Mortal Instruments, I wasn’t really expecting City of Glass to be able to rise above the rest of the series, and Clare was, for the first time, leaving her urban fantasy New York setting and trying to write an original setting. She already had so many holes in the plot that things could only improve so much.

I was right.

While Clare did manage to rise above the general stupidity that took place in City of Ashes, she still manages to fall into several holes in this book. Most of them are concerned with her focus in a romance when there are far more interesting thing happening around the minor characters. The other problems usually happen because Clare doesn’t seem to be aware that secondary characters actually have to have a reason to exist, and, if you want to do it right, should have their own motivations that don’t concern the main couple.

Are you ready? Let’s begin.

Cover Impressions

This is, by far, the cover that I hate the most in the entire series. It looks like the illustrator didn’t know what to do, so they just put a shirt on the guy from the first book and just left things at that. The city that’s seen isn’t New York, but so little emphasis is put on it that it’s easy to miss it for the giant torso that takes up at least three fourths of the cover. The same quote from Stephanie Meyer as the last book is one the front, and all the whole, the cover just feels like the publishers were bored with the whole thing and threw out some slop.

Even the wings in the background just look badly photoshopped. Maximum Ride’s covers are better, and that’s not saying much.

This does not bode well for the rest of this book.

Plot

As taken from Amazon:

To save her mother’s life, Clary must travel to the City of Glass, the ancestral home of the Shadowhunters—never mind that entering the city without permission is against the Law, and breaking the Law could mean death. To make things worse, she learns that Jace does not want her there, and Simon has been thrown in prison by the Shadowhunters, who are deeply suspicious of a vampire who can withstand sunlight.

As Clary uncovers more about her family’s past, she finds an ally in mysterious Shadowhunter Sebastian. With Valentine mustering the full force of his power to destroy all Shadowhunters forever, their only chance to defeat him is to fight alongside their eternal enemies. But can Downworlders and Shadowhunters put aside their hatred to work together? While Jace realizes exactly how much he’s willing to risk for Clary, can she harness her newfound powers to help save the Glass City—whatever the cost?

Love is a mortal sin and the secrets of the past prove deadly as Clary and Jace face down Valentine in the third installment of bestselling series the Mortal Instruments.

My version:

A couple of months have passed from City of Ashes, and we’re opening with a conversation between Clary and Simon. Clary shows her usual passing interest in Simon’s life and mentions someone named Matilda who was apparently a friend of Clary’s mom. She’s going to the City of Glass so that she can figure out a cure for her comatose mother.

We only see Matilda once, but she’s treated like a major plot point. We also are never told how Clary came in contact with her or anything like that.

Simon is very interested in Clary’s life because Clary is Speshul. He does mention that rather than live on the streets and eat people, he’s stayed with his mom and refuses to live like a vampire. Because he likes being human and doesn’t see himself as part of the undead. Have I mentioned that Simon is an interesting character?

Clary angsts a little about her mom and how Simon is somewhat distant from her after she made out with her brother in front of him. She talks to Luke, a werewolf that I never bothered to mention who obviously has a thing for Clary’s mom, and is now acting as her guardian. He tells her how wonderful she is and how well Simon’s taking it and Clary feels better.

Simon later goes to meet Jace, who is with Matilda waiting for Clary. Jace is smug and irritating as usual, but after Patch, at least he’s smug and irritating in a way that doesn’t worry me. Jace wants Simon to convince Clary to stay in New York. Before Simon has much of a chance to say anything, someone attacks out of nowhere, and he has to go through a Portal to the City of Glass. He gets knocked unconscious during the attack, ends up losing a lot of blood, and is about to have a really stinky life.

Meanwhile, Clary has just arrived at the designated point and seen the remains of the attack, including Matilda’s corpse. This would be said except for the fact that I don’t know anything about her. She just stood there during Jace and Simon’s conversation, and that was it. Clary is sad because she might have lost the only way to cure her mother. She and Luke realize that something happened, and Clary decides to open the portal. Luke doesn’t think she can, but Clary’s Speshul. So, naturally she just manages to open the portal and goes zippity do dah into the middle of a lake near the city called Lake Lynn. This lake from above looks like foreshadowing a mirror /foreshadowing and when the Shadowhunters drink it, they get sick and start seeing delusions. Clary drank quite a bit of it, and starts seeing lovely things like her own grave and monsters.

Why can’t she see something funny? Would it kill the drama? It would be kind of nice to know that the narrative (Clare) doesn’t take her main character so seriously that bad things can’t happen to them for laughs. Or maybe you get a mix. That could be interesting.

So, Clary gets taken to a woman’s house who is Luke’s sister, Amatis. She plays no actual role in the story, so I’m just going to call her Sister. Clary passes out and that’s the last we hear from her for a while.

Meanwhile, Simon has woken up, and is staying in the Lightwood house (Alec and Isabelle’s last name in case you forgot) where a guy named Sebastian and a girl named Aline are visiting along with a kid named Max Lightwood who was introduced in the last book but did nothing other than shill Jace so I honestly didn’t consider him necessary to add as a character. So, Aline is flirting with Jace when Simon walks into the room, and she immediate is shocked that 1. a vampire is perfectly able to converse and 2. a vampire actually has a family, friends and emotions. This is one of the people that we’re supposed to be cheering for. Sebastian is slightly better, and Max is too busy shilling Jace to be interesting. It’s mentioned that Clary didn’t want to come, which Simon calls out as a lie, and Jace goes through the roof.

Something about her being safer and happier or something. Because Clary has no idea what she wants.

At any rate, Simon is supposed to go right back home, there is a conversation between Simon and Alex about why Alec hates him which might have been interesting if it didn’t have to into how Alec is gay. We’re talking about fantastic racism not homophobia, Clare. I know that being gay happens to be Alec’s only character trait, but it’s annoying when no conversation involving him doesn’t mention the fact that he’s gay, ya’ll. While they’re walking to the portal that’s supposed to take Simon to New York, they meet the new Inquisitor. Who is Male!Umbridge. Seriously. He’s small, fat, acts really sweet, but really is evil. It’s Male!Umbridge. He’s even called the Inquisitor. I’m not sure if this is hubris or just stupid. Male!Umbridge’s name is Aldertree. Aldertree get’s Simon alone, starts insinuating that he wants Simon to say that the Lightwoods are backing Valentine, and when Simon refuses, more on moral fiber than on actually liking the racist pigs, he gets put into a prison cell.

I am having WWII drama flashbacks, and the fact that Simon is Jewish isn’t helping.

Clare, apparently bored with the fact that she’s just had a character captured by what are essentially Magic Nazis, goes back to Clary.

Clary’s point of view has some description fail, as she mentions how the four Demon Towers look like “polished quartz that cast dull rainbows” everywhere. No, I’m not sure how this works either.

Clary spends her time dressing up like a Shadowhunter, realizes she looks Just Like Her Mother,¹ ignores Sister’s request not to go outside and goes looking for Jace. She runs into Alex and Isabelle, who aren’t overly thrilled to see her, and she’s all prissy about it. Isabelle calls her out for being a brat, and Clary get all angry and storms up to see Jace. Only to walk in on his making out with Aline.

Awkward.

Now, this is treated like ‘teh worst thing evar’ but really, Clary thinks that Jace is her brother. If anything, she should be glad that things are moving in a more healthy direction. Clary is all upset, and Aline thinks that Jace is some over protective big brother who’s never allowed Clary to see a healthy relationship before. For some reason, this amuses me. She also meets Sebastian, who is nice to her and asks her to hang out with him the next day.

Jace and Clary argue, and Jace basically tells Clary that he doesn’t want her there, and she’s nothing more than a little mundie who doesn’t know anything and acts like a baby. Clary is hurt, ends up running back to Sister, who is upset that she left without permission since the Shadowhunter government is suspicious right now, and if they captured her, they’d find out about Luke, who they consider a traitor since he was turned into a werewolf against his will.

Back to Simon, who is being starved, having food waved in front of his nose and denied him unless he claims that the Lightwoods are evil. Aldertree basically says that he never intends Simon to go free, and that he can make things much more painful for him. Simon tells them that they’re wasting their time and the longer they spend playing with him, the better chance that Valentine has of attacking.

Simon is also worried about his mother, who doesn’t know what happened, and the head of the local vampires in New York appears to him and tells him that if he doesn’t live like a vampire, (meaning leave his mother and start eating people) the other vampires are going to kill him because he’s a threat.

…This is ten times more interesting than Clary’s plot. While I know that the story of trying to save your mother is emotional and all that, this is, in essence, the story of a girl trying to find a cure for her mother and finding true love while her best friend is being tortured by Nazis. Simon’s story is more immediate. There isn’t a time limit for Clary, but there is one for Simon. His story has higher stakes than Clary’s, and because of that, my interest in Clary is even lower than usual.

Back to Clary: she feels kind of guilty about not listening to Sister, but that doesn’t stop her from still going out to see Sebastian. He says that he’s got a plan to help Clary’s mom and the two go over to see a warlock named Ragnor, who is…Magnus Bane². Magnus stops time, tells Clary that the real Ragnor is dead and that if she wants to cure her mother, she has to find a spellbook that’s disguised as a cookbook (which has nothing to do with FMA I’m sure) and unfreezes time. Clary and Sebastian leave, and go see the house that her mother and Valentine used to live in. Sebastian is all flirty with her, and she’s only so interested. Then Sebastian kisses her. Suddenly, Clary’s Sue Senses tell her that something is wrong³ and she backs up. She notices that her hands have a black inky substance on them from Sebastian’s hair, and they go back.

When she gets back to Sister’s house, Jace is waiting for her. He (kind of) apologizes for being a jerk, and Clary forgives him. Then he tells her that Simon’s in prison (Alec heard it) and Clary throws a temper tantrum but doesn’t actually do anything much. So, they decide to hop over to Wayland manor (because the plot demands it) and take a look around. Clary finds the totally not ripped from FMA cookbook. In the basement they find a half dead angel that Valentine had been experimenting on for a while and somehow is still alive after being left alone for however long it that house was abandoned despite the fact that in the Claryverse angels are apparently mortal and require sustenance.

The angel shows them some memories about how Jace has demon blood in him (something I’m not surprised by) and then kills itself. Jace takes this opportunity to angst, claim he’s a monster and make out with his sister.

…That sounded so dirty.

What annoys me about this scene is not the fact that the romance is jammed in. It’s the fact that this was a really interesting opportunity for character development, and it was ignored. Jace has admitted that he doesn’t believe in angels, so when brought face to face with one, how does he react? This isn’t even mentioned or considered, and I feel kind of cheated. It’s as if Clare doesn’t want to consider the fact that Jace could be wrong and therefore have the change.⁴ Because her precious Draco clone is perfect.

Clary gets mad, not because he’s her brother and incest isn’t cute, but because he’s just using her as a way to feel sorry for himself, and he really likes the other girl, Aline. Jace says that he was using her to make him feel better. Apparently he’s used used girls before. Charming.

Jace and Clary get in a conversation about Ivanhoe that shows me that Clare has never actually read Ivanhoe and then they turn back to the city to find that it’s on fire.

And here comes the plot. Late as usual.

While Jace and Clary were busy, someone managed to paint a bunch of symbols on the Demon Towers (which act as evil repellent) so that Valentine and his demons can come into the city. He attacks and cases mayhem. At the same time, werewolves, lead by Luke, attack the demons and keep the situation under control. Sebastian meets up with Clary and Jace, and they run to the dungeons to save Simon. On the way, they meet Magnus, who apparently has nothing better to do but hang around government buildings, and Clary hands him the totally not ripped from FMA cookbook. This angers Sebastian, who says that it should belong to Shadowhunters. Clary cares more about her mother. Magnus promised to hold up to his end of the bargain and goes away.

In the cell where Simon is being held, they save him and the guy in the next cell. He turns out to be a character from the first novel named Hodge who played such a minor part that I didn’t bother to mention him. Hodge tells them that the last Mortal Instrument is Lake Lynn. Then he’s killed by Sebastian, who was a spy for Valentine the whole time.

And he dyed his hair black. With really bad dye that came out when someone touched it. His real hair color is white. Have you guessed the thrilling plot twist yet?

Sebastian gets away and Jace and Clary go back to the Lightwoods to find that Sebastian knocked out Isabelle and killed Max. Clary decides that this is the opportune time to cuddle Jace.

Shame on you, Clare. Shame on you for having a scene in which an eight-year-old is brutally murdered that is used for romance. Shame on you for handling that scene so badly that I had no emotional reaction to it other than irritation that Jace and Clary were cuddling. This is easily the worst written and handled scene in the book, and I am furious.

We do not see the kid’s funeral. Rather we see Jace and Clary feeling sorry for themselves. While the Lightwoods are busy morning their son, Jace and Clary go on over to the Shadowhunter government building, and witness Valentine appearing, killing Aldertree (that guy just did so much before his death) and demands that they turn over the government to him.

And they consider it.

You know, this was the moment to show that, while the Shadowhunters are racist and lazy, they aren’t as bad as the villain. She could have shown something at least likable about the Shadowhunters, particularly when they’re dealing with the werewolves that just saved them. But no. The group that we’re supposed to care whether or not is saved decides to take a guy who they know is mentally unstable over dealing with the icky downworlders and mundies.

So, things eventually break out into a fight, and Clary asks the vampires to help them. They say they’re not doing anything unless they can kill Simon because he’s a vampire that can stand the sunlight. Clary, using skills that the dying angel showed her, gives Simon the Mark of Cain.

Yep, that Cain.

Now the vampires can’t kill him. Apparently, Clare doesn’t realize some of the other myths about the mark of Cain.

Simon goes back to the vampires, scares them spitless and makes them help Clary and the others. Mostly Clary.

At the same time, Jace has run off to find Sebastian because, for once, he’s got enough human feeling to be angry about the whole killing an eight-year-old thing. I’m very proud of him. He finds the guy, and Sebastian reveals that: surprise, he’s Valentine’s real son! Jace is the grandson of the old Inquisitor. His parents were Valentine’s supporters and he gave his mom angel blood when she was pregnant with him.⁵

Which means Sebastian has the demon blood in him. Jace is relieved. Now he can have a squick free relationship Now he can fight Valentine without feeling guilty. Kind of. He still angsts about it to himself. At any rate, Sebastian and Jace start fighting, and Jace ends up killing Sebastian with a move that Valentine taught him for his birthday. So they’re really family after all!

Wait.

Then Jace gets captured by Valentine and dragged off to the lake.

Meanwhile, Clary has been making some runes, but since she can’t fight, she easily gets captured and taken to Valentine, who has a heart to heart with her, saying how he never hated her mother and how much he missed her and loved her. And how guilty he felt about giving baby Sebastian demon blood because that made her mother really, really messed up. He’s also sorry that he started giving her mother angel blood when she was pregnant with Clary. So she’s half angel too.

Excuse me while I go vomit.

Ahem.

So, anyways, Valentine decides to summon Raziel, and, honestly, this is probably the best written scene in the book. The tension in well handled, and Raziel’s put down is pretty good. He’s obviously not overly impressed by the Shadowhunters.

To Summon Raziel, Valentine kills the captured Jace, and seems kind of choked up about it.

Ah, Valentine, trying to have a personality so late in the game…

Raziel basically tells Valentine that he’s an idiot, and the Shadowhunters were supposed to hunt demons and evil things that hurt people, not to harass the other supernatural things that were basically minding their own business. Since Valentine has been all buddy buddy with demons, Raziel is ticked. Valentine says that because he draw a Super Special Awesome circle, Raziel has to do what Valentine says. Raziel points out that Clary had just crossed out his name and added hers. At this point, Raziel obliterates Valentine, which is kind of a cop out.

Clary asks Raziel to bring Jace back, and she and Jace make out like crazy.

The epilogue has Simon in a sudden love triangle between Isabelle and Maya the werewolf girl, a (as in one) vampire and a (as in one) werewolf are allowed on the Shadowhunter council, and Jace and Clary are now dating

Oh, and Clary’s mom’s back.

Yay, I guess.

So, that’s the plot. Now, I’m not going to celebrate too much since I know that there’s a second trilogy coming up, which makes the big epilogue kind of pointless.

Characters

Clary pretty much plays no part in this story until the end. Her character never changes, and the occasional times where she’s called out for being a selfish brat are mostly played for angst. The only thing she actually does is at the end, and while it’s alright, it’s not really enough to justify way her story got so much prominence over say…her best friend. Honestly, I have nothing more to say about her that I haven’t already said. She’s thoughtless, doesn’t really care about anyone, puts down her friends, and barely considers the danger that she gets people in. What a main character.

Jace is annoying simply because of his missed characterization. In the earlier books he was all bad boy-ish because he was a Flat Earth Atheist, but he never even reacts to having seen angels and being resurrected. I would think that this deserves some comment. It could have been interesting too. How would he react? Did he think what he saw was real? Anything..? The realization that he’s part angel is…almost so stupid it’s funny. This little ass is actually supposed to be extremely empathetic when he never seems to note, and sometimes flat enjoys, other people’s pain. His character is static from the first book onwards, and honestly, he’s pretty boring.

Simon stole the show. His plot was ten times more interesting; his character went through more trauma; and really, he was the only character who really showed any kind of change throughout the entire three books. The strange thing is that his interest in Clary seems completely unnatural for his character. The times when he talks about how much he loves Clary feel like they’ve been shoehorned in because Clare doesn’t want to let go of her pointless love triangle. It’s hinted that at some point, Simon is going to take over the vampires, and, honestly, being that he’s the only main character that seems to like people and who worries about them, I’d be more interested in reading that story. I fully expect his character to be butchered in the next couple of books.

Alec does one thing in this book. One single thing: he comes out of the closet. Really! That’s all this character does! Honestly, It’s more offensive than not having a gay character at all. If a person doesn’t know how to handle a character without making some trait the only thing defining about him and what pretty much rules his life, then don’t write him.

Isabelle is, if possible, more useless than her brother. She’s being set up as a part of Simon’s growing harem, and honestly, she doesn’t do anything either. She doesn’t even fight. Only the men can fight apparently.

Sebastian is a new character. That’s not his name, since he’s the real Jonathan Wayland. He actually has the possibility of being an interesting character. The problem was, the moment that he it’s revealed that he had demon blood in him, he was one dimensional. He was evil, and the subplot of Valentine kind of liking Jace better and Sebastian being jealous really, as far as I was concerned, came to not. He’s pretty much there to make sure that the earth shattering love between Jace and Clary wasn’t incestuous, dies after explaining Valentine’s whole stinking plan, and doesn’t really do much of anything other than that. He’s a wasted character.

Clary’s Mom, Jocelyn Fray, is a character that I have to advise all writers against. The problem with her is that she’s been built up by everyone as being so wonderful, so perfect, and so great. In the end, she can’t do anything but not meet expectations. She doesn’t do much in the story, and, in my opinion, it’s a missed opportunity. It would have been neat if she and Valentine had met one last time. It could be been an interesting, well written, and kind of tragic scene. Naturally, all Jocelyn really does is shill Clary for being so wonderful.

Magnus Bane is a character that I’ve mentioned a few times, but I haven’t really been interested in talking about him. He’s a fan favorite, as I mentioned in my review of City of Ashes, and he’s so gay it hurts to read his descriptions. Alright, alright, I know, he’s not gay, he’s bi, but, honestly he acts like such a stereotype, I can’t help but think of him as one. He doesn’t contribute much to the plot, and while his less than stellar view of the Shadowhunters is nice to hear, his over the top angsty past and how much of him is defined by his sexuality are just tacky. He plays a very minor part in helping the characters, never actually fights, and pretty much only is there to help Jocelyn and smooch Alec in front of his parents, without Alec’s permission.

Setting

When Clare was dealing with New York, her setting was good. Here, the setting is confusing, badly set up and not well thought out enough to stand. Apparently, this city is in some unknown location/dimension and it also includes enough land for manor houses and horseback riding. While I’m sure that a pocket dimension could do this, there’s very little of what’s going on explained, or mapped out. There’s little sense of time either. As Clary is sixteen, shouldn’t she bet at school? Is is summer? Is she tracked out? These little pieces of reality don’t seem to show up too much in Clare’s fantasy.

The setting, now that it’s not in New York has lost a lot of the exciting feel to it, and it just feels like a generic fantasy city. Also it’s hinted that most Shadowhunters never actually leave this city. I hate to say this, but then what’s the point of their existing at all? They were made to help people and they’re just sitting in their special city ignoring everyone. Why am I supposed to like them? In Harry Potter, this wasn’t necessary because the Wizards never said they were going to protect people from the supernatural. Naturally they were going to avoid people. The very existence of this city raises all kinds of questions, and Clare doesn’t seem interested in answering them.

Themes

Girls have special senses that tell them when a guy isn’t right for them. Therefore, if, in your heart, you’re not completely sure that a guy is bad for you, even if he treats you like dirt, you should stay with him.

When someone says that the obviously evil, corrupt organization is evil and corrupt, they must be the bad guy.

Albinos are evil. They have demon blood in them. For realsies!

Clare’s actual, already confused stance against racism is propped up by the Shadowhunters finally allowing a single vampire and a single werewolf be on their council. This is pretty much useless for them, since the Shadowhunters will outvote them in everything.

Racism

These books are pretty racist when it comes to Clare’s fictional crap being better than humans or actual things from folklore, but it’s also traditionally racist. For instance, everyone has an Anglo-Saxon sounding name. Lightwood. Aldertree. Wayland. There are not other kinds of names. Next, all Shadowhunters are white. This must cause something of a problem in places like Africa and China where being white makes a person stand out, and their glamors can’t always be active.

I’ve heard that her prequel series has some even more awkward issues concerning the Chinese and, in particular, the Opium Wars, but I’ll cover that in a different review.

What’s worse is that there are mentions of Shadowhunter bases in China, but it seems that there are no Chinese Shadowhunters. Now, this could be justified by saying that only the descendants of the guys who were first made Shadowhunters are Shadowhunters, but that doesn’t even make sense. Why don’t they have Jewish names then? Has no mundie ever married a Shadowhunter even once in history? How is this population kept from serious inbreeding and thus dying out?

Hm…Maybe that’s why Clary acts the way she does…

Incest

You know, I’m all for mutually consensual relationships and all that, but…I’m sorry, sibling love just makes me uncomfortable. And Clare does not write this book in a way that makes me forget that they’re siblings. She doesn’t talk about how different they are. She doesn’t attempt to even push this under the rug. If anything, she’s rubbing it in my face yelling ‘tolerate them’ at the top of her lungs.

She seems to think that either her audience has guessed the plot twist or just doesn’t care and wants to see the romance regardless of the fact that they’re siblings. This incest thing really does detract from the story, because when Clary is kissing Jace in the abandoned house, I’m not thinking how romantic this is. I’m thinking how squicky the whole thing is, and how I don’t care if the Westermarck effect doesn’t really apply to this, the fact that he was her brother should gross Clary out.

Not everyone is part of the most dark and depraved corners of FF.net where people write Lelouch/Nunnally porn, Clare, and I really wish you’d come to realize this.

Another thing is that, honestly, there was no reason for the sibling red herring at all. All Clare had to do was make the romance move more slowly and not take up so much of the plot. Then the plot could have moved forwards, the romance could have seemed more natural, and she wouldn’t have had to worry about it.

Pop Culture

I complained in my City of Ashes review about how Clare would just toss in anime and think we should all be astounded by how hip she was. Well, she’s tossed in some other things.

The first mentions that Clary doesn’t know who Lestat is. Now, I’ve never read anything by Anne Rice. I don’t really like vampire novels in general, but through pop cultural osmosis I know just who Lestat is and the influence that he’s had on the modern idea of the vampire. The fact that Clary doesn’t know this, and the fact that she kind of talks down about Simon’s interest in D&D makes me wonder just what Simon likes about her and why they hang out.

They obviously don’t have the same interests, and she sneers at his. It also makes me wonder…just what DOES Clary actually like. Other than feeling sorry for herself and Jace. She also is mentioned having attempted a ‘graphic story’ which is apparently the lame version of a graphic novel or a manga. At least it’s not a ‘manga book’. Seriously, Clare, if you want to appeal to this fanbase, you have to know the right words for things. If you don’t, you look like some old woman who has a minor conception of what geeks do, but thinks that everyone wants to be the Disney brand of cool.

Next, Max is mentioned to be reading Angel Sanctuary which everyone thinks is nerdy. If my eight-year-old brother was reading that manga, I’d have some more issues than just how geeky it is. Granted, the whole incest thing really does lampshade the squick factor of the whole book, but I get the feeling that Clare hasn’t ever read the manga. She just liked the mention of angels.

Finally, Maya is mentioned to be wearing a gamer shirt, but Clary thinks she’s only doing it to impress Simon. Why can’t girls like D&D or video games? Clare, girls can be geeks, gamers, otakus (both the American and Japanese versions) and nerds. It’s not a male only group.

Mechanics

Clare has actually improved in this area. Her language is still a little stilted and annoying, but it’s lost a lot of the unnatural quality that she’s had for the last few books. The same goes with her flaunting her vocabulary. While she tends to use big words where most people would use small ones, I feel like she’s relaxed a little bit and realized that you can in fact write the way that a normal person would.

However, her descriptions, particularly those of the ‘bright quartz’ towers that ‘cast dull rainbows’ and Clary’s ‘graphic story’ are just awkward, silly and weird. So, while some areas show signs of improvement, others…well…don’t.

Mythology and Religion.

And here’s the part that I’m sure you’ve all been waiting for. Where I whine about Clare’s angels…

Actually, I don’t have much to say.

She’s got some dumb things, like the whole thing with ‘killing’ an angel, but she’s at least managed to keep with the ‘six winged and many eyed’ thing that I’ve read in the descriptions of some angels. Also, since Raziel is something of a One Scene Wonder, we don’t have to worry too much about him. She’s even acknowledged that angels and God tend to go together, so she’s slightly smarter than Kate or Fitzpatrick.

However, she’s made a mistake. The problem isn’t in descriptions. The problem is the Shadowhunters. Basically, we’ve got a group that claims to have angel blood in them, and they are all agnostic. There are no churches, temples, or anything else of that nature in the Awesome Shadowhunter City, and there never have been.

As far as her other mythology goes, there’s nothing here to really talk about. Nothing new, nothing original. The only thing I can mention is that it looks like Clare’s going to steal from Holly Black and make the Seelie Court evil and the Unseelie Court good.

Because nothing says ‘good guys’ like dragging children under water so you can eat them.

Oh, and one other thing. In Clare’s mythology, vampires and werewolves are all humans. Warlocks are what happens when a demon and a human get together (kind of in a Did You Just Romance Cthulhu way⁶). So, in essence, every vampire and werewolf is a sign of the Shadowhunter’s failure. These are people who they should have protected, but because of their complacency, normal people have been dragged into this. All of this could have been avoided by the Shadowhunters, but they were more interested in feeling better than everyone to do anything.

Literature

Other than using random quotations from the Bibles as pickup lines, Clare shows some terrible fail in an Ivanhoe conversation between Clary and Jace. Apparently, Clare has only watched the 1982 movie because she makes some really dumb comments. The best one is when Clary says that Ivanhoe should have chosen Rebecca instead of Rowena, implying that there was a love triangle and a choice involved. Anyone whose read Ivanhoe will remember how, the moment that Rebecca said she was a Jew, Ivanhoe lost all interest in her.

There was no love triangle in that book. That was part of the point. The people were so racist that even when Rebecca showed a ton of exemplary traits and she was beautiful, they could never see her and her father as anything but Jews. The book was about antisemitism and chivalry. Not romance. Ivanhoe was never interested in Rebecca, and she was never really interested in him. Why be interested when you know that nothing’s going to happen? Granted, this was changed for the movie, but you see my point.

Having you characters talk about classic novels does not make them smart. Nor does it make you smart. Particularly when they start seeing love triangles where there aren’t any, and show a general lack of understanding of the material.

Confrontations

The confrontation scene in a novel is the most important scene in the book. This is the climax, the point of highest tension, and if you don’t do it right, the audience isn’t going to be happy. In Clare’s climax, there was no final confrontation between Jace and Valentine like Clare had been building, there was no resolution of the issues of Valentine and Jace’s relationship. In fact, there wasn’t any resolution at all. Valentine was made to internally combust, and that was it.

This is poor writing. Even Harry Potter’s fight with Voldemort, which was pretty anticlimactic, was better. At least he fought Voldemort. Not someone else. Valentine’s death was hollow, and while it was amusing to see him get his goal tell him that he’s an idiot, it wasn’t as satisfying as having the characters that I’m supposed to have grown to love defeat him.

Of course, since I hated all of them, other than Simon, I guess I can’t even claim that.

Final Assessment.

City of Glass is better than City of Ashes. It has a plot, and the plot is mostly relevant. Yet, it actually isn’t better than the Draco Trilogy. I recently, out idle curiosity read the thing, and the plot, such as it was, of that fanfic worked better than the entire Mortal Instruments series. It was more cohesive, more interesting, and the characters had more point in existing than almost all of the characters of the Mortal Instruments.

Clare cannot really bring anything new to the table; all of her plot twists are boring and predictable; she can’t deal with the issues that she creates; and anything that’s potentially interesting is ignored in favor of more romance. Clare, in the end, doesn’t seem sure what she wants to write: a romance or an adventure, and what she gets is a melodramatic, trite story that can only recycle those things that Clare herself has seen and read.

While she’s not really a plagiarist anymore, she’s, in essence, doing the same thing that she got taken off FF.net for. She’s taken from movies, better written books, and anything in pop culture she can and uses them in her books without even attempting to make them original or hers.

Cassandra Clare could have written a good book. There are times when she actually shows talent. However but to write that book, it would require more work, more research and more knowledge than what she’s showing.

Eventually, I’ll start on her other series, and see just how much she’s failed at them.

(Score: 4/10)

Next up: The Selection

¹ Apparently people only have their parents genes in this universe and the genes can only pass from mother to daughter and father to son. Have I mentioned how much I hate the Generation Xerox trope?

² Apparently, Bane’s a pretty popular character in the fandom. Which is why he keeps appearing. I’d like him better for calling the Shadowhunters out on their racism and hypocrasy if he wasn’t such a blatant stereotype. Though, to give him some credit, he actually does do something in this book

³ I always hate it when the heroine just knows when something is bad. It’s such poor writing.

⁴ If you want to see where this was done right, look up Supernatural. In the forth season, the characters come face to face with an angel, and Dean Winchester, who didn’t believe in them, has some really good scenes of character development where he comes to terms with this.

⁵ Can’t you tell? After all, Jace is so angelic! He cried when a pet he’d been taking care of as a kid was killed by his father! Isn’t that angelic! Most guys wouldn’t ever do that when they were eight.

⁶ Seriously, they have tentacles.

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Introduction

This is a very special time for us Americans. It is a time where two candidates point their fingers at one another and blame the other one for everything wrong with the world except for maybe global warming (unless they think they can get away with it) in hopes of being elected for President. Around this time, many of us are likely tired of this finger pointing and are looking forwards to election day just so that we don’t have to listen to them anymore, no matter who wins. Others, with admirable patriotic fervor, are going door to door in order to gain new recruits or, more likely, face the wrath of equally patriotic individuals supporting the opposing candidate.

But at this time, we should be counting our blessings.
We could be listening to the whiny narrative of a seventeen year old girl as she complains about being catapulted into wealth and riches.

Which is pretty much the entire plot of The Selection.

The Selection was written by Kiera Cass, a woman who seems to think that it’s necessary to mention how many boys she’s kissed in her life. She doesn’t mention the details of how she came about writing this book, and honestly, I don’t care about that because I know why she did already.

Due to the success of the Hunger Games Trilogy, authors have started to write dystopian fiction with a vengeance. Almost all of it is silly, badly thought out, shows no comprehension of the genre, and seems to think that true love somehow justifies a plot.

This is one of those books. However, it’s been published to some acclaim and gotten some good reviews.

Now, I’m edging a little bit out of my usual territory of fantasy, but hopefully even without my ranting about how the authors never bothered to do even the simplest of folklore research can be made up with my ranting about how Cass don’t seem to comprehend how society works.

Cover Impressions

The cover is odd. I say odd because when you look at it briefly, it seems impressive, with a group of girls all wearing the same dress while one is striking a pose. It gives a feeling of the competition and how they’re struggling to stand out when there is a sort of forced conformity.

However, when you really look at the book, you realize that it’s just one girl in a hall of mirrors, so all the other girls are just reflections of her placed in odd ways so that you don’t immediately realize that it’s the same girl. There are some sparklies that I think are overhead lights, but I’m not sure.

So basically, at first glance it looks like something tense and even possibly interesting. Then you realize that it’s just another girl in a prom dress just like all the other girls in prom dresses that grace YA novels.

So…it’s much like the story itself…

Plot

Taken from Amazon:

For thirty-five girls, the Selection is the chance of a lifetime. The opportunity to escape the life laid out for them since birth. To be swept up in a world of glittering gowns and priceless jewels. To live in a palace and compete for the heart of gorgeous Prince Maxon.

But for America Singer, being Selected is a nightmare. It means turning her back on her secret love with Aspen, who is a caste below her. Leaving her home to enter a fierce competition for a crown she doesn’t want. Living in a palace that is constantly threatened by violent rebel attacks.

Then America meets Prince Maxon. Gradually, she starts to question all the plans she’s made for herself—and realizes that the life she’s always dreamed of may not compare to a future she never imagined.

Yes, her name really is America. I will pause to give you time to snicker, sing “America the Beautiful”, or just shake your head.

I wonder if Cass would feel as clever if the girl’s name was Uzbekistan. Rolls off the tongue doesn’t it?

So my version:

We start out with America complaining that her mother wants her to enter into the Selection, which is an event where all the girls of the right age compete for a chance to be one of the lucky thirty-five girls to try to win the heart of the prince of some modern country. This seems like a poor policy for a new country to have, since they should be more worried about alliances, particularly as the world seems to have gone back the medieval times, but whatever.

Apparently, this is in a version of America (the country) that, after a war with China was renamed Iléa after regaining its independence. Personally, I don’t think that the situation that we have with China would allow us to attack them (unless of course we wanted to start WWIII) but in this world, for some reason, no other country was interested in two superpowers duking it out. So, for some reason, despite the fact that monarchies have gone out of favor in the last couple centuries, the country decided to have what appears to be an absolute monarchy, which is something that even Britain never fully had.

This doesn’t strike me as something that Americans, who generally see monarchies as only slightly better than communism, would go with. At least Cass has enough of a brain to have rebels.

So, apparently now all the countries have monarchies now and all the daughters of royalty in Iléa are married to foreign princes, but the sons marry within the country to…make this idiocy possible.

It makes no sense to me either.

In the caste system that’s been set up for no apparent reason, people have numbers that determine their rank from one through seven. America (the girl) and her family are Fives. Meaning that they’re entertainment. This…doesn’t make much sense, if you consider the very odd position that entertainers usually are in, but at any rate, this family is poor, yet they have a servant family that seems to work for them on occasion. Being Selected would mean that her family would have a better chance at getting food and business, but America doesn’t care.

America doesn’t want to be in an arranged marriage. She wants to get married to a boy who’s a caste below her and her family can all just starve. Oh, and she admits that getting married to this guy is all that she wants to do in life. Talk about a positive role model for girls. Where’s the MLP:FIM crew when you need them?

And somehow, she seems certain that she would be Selected despite her complaints about how ugly she is and how she’s competing against everyone else in the country to just be one of the thirty-five girls Selected.¹ Anyways, she goes to some tree house and meets her Sweet Honey, whose name is Aspen. Being that I’ve lived in Colorado, I think that it sounds like the ski resort. Well, I guess if one person was named after a location…

So, Aspen wants her to join ‘just to see if she can’ which sounds to me like he’s hoping to get rid of her, but America, showing her usual hierarchy of importance, goes along with it because he wants her to. Not for her family or for herself or anything else interesting, but for the guy she’s perfectly OK with it. She monologs for a while, questions a system that she shouldn’t question because she’d been raised to think that it was ok, and goes to bed.

The next day, at the event where the girls get their pictures taken, America hears that Aspen seems to be getting ready to get married, and she automatically thinks it’s her. She looks thrilled in her picture. That night, Aspen breaks it off with her, telling her that he’s not good enough blah blah blah. And goes off. Probably to see his other girlfriend. America is devastated.

Of course, she gets Selected, and is suddenly catapulted into fame. Her family this thrilled. Now, with the fame of their daughter, they’re going to be able to get some business. For whatever reason, the caste of the family does not follow the caste of the daughter as she’s suddenly a number Three. This doesn’t make sense, but the whole system doesn’t make sense so who cares. America is also told point blank that while it’s all good that she’s a virgin now, she better be willing to give Prince Maxon anything he asks. Anything. America, being a paragon of pureness is more unhappy about this than anything else. Honestly, it might have been more interesting to see her fighting with how she was raised and how much she wanted to improve her family’s lives. Then we’d have some actual conflict.

At any rate, she leaves, gets to see Aspen with his real sweet honey, goes by train,² meets some of the other girls, including the evil ^TM Celeste, who doesn’t really do all that much in this book, and heads to the capital. There, she stops and signs autographs because she’s suddenly really popular, and everyone is astounded by how speshul she is for doing that.

At the palace, all the girls are supposed to get make overs, but since America is so naturally beautiful all she needs is some styling while all the other girls get dye jobs, extensions, highlights, and whatever else to make them equal her natural beauty.

Is this a dystopian novel or a teenage fantasy?

Moving on, America gets to ogle her pretty dresses for a while, and gets to eat dinner with the other girls, who automatically see her as a threat, but they’re not allowed to see the royal family for some reason. The girls get told that because there are rebel attacks, they’re not allowed to go outside unless there’s a guard with them. This sounds normal. America gets all scared and upset about it, but, really, she should have known this.

Since there’s nothing to do, America goes to her room, finds out she has servants, and, in traditional Sue fashion, she wants them to treat her like a normal person. I know that this isn’t a bad thing, but it’s just so cliche that I have to call it out. So, after dismissing the servants, she stares out at the balcony and, for no reason other than to drive the fact that America’s name is SYMBOLISM, she has a fit.

There was no freedom here.

You know, if you had been raised out in the boonies, this would have made sense. If we’d been told that she was claustrophobic, it would have made sense. Since we’re not told this, it comes out of nowhere. As she was a musician who would have been expected to preform in the houses of people like this and lived in a city, it’s just an anvil dropping to tell me that America the Sue is the personification of America the country. If America (the country) had a personality, I’m sure it would be upset about this.

So, she flips, runs out of the room, looks like she’s having some sort of fit, and demands that the guards let her outside. The guards, having some sense, don’t let her. That’s when someone suddenly orders them to let her go, and escorts her outside. It turns out that this is Prince Maxon, who she’s competing with all the other girls to get. He seems like a generally ok guy, asking her if she’s alright at that point, because he called her ‘my dear’, America flips out at him and kick him the most obvious spot. Maxon wants to know just what he did to deserve that.

I’d like to know that too. America’s response:

“I’m not your dear.”

You know, if this had been a real possessive term this would make sense. I mean if Maxon had been using that to claim ownership of her, I’d understand this reaction, but the problem is it doesn’t seem to be from the text. Maxon seems to be the very first polite love interest that I’ve dealt with, and America is just coming off as a brat.

So, Maxon is apparently a bit of a secret masochist since he seems kind of attracted to her, and America goes to bed. This scene gives America a head start over the other girls, and causes them to have a more informal relationship. Was that a gasp or just a yawn?

We are now halfway through the book. Do you see a plot, because I sure don’t.

The next day, Maxon introduces himself formally to all the girls, talks to them all individually, and America tells him that she doesn’t want to be there. Instead of wondering just what America has against being bumped up two casts, he’s very understanding, and she promises to kind of spy on the other girls for him. It’s not that blunt, naturally. He also calls a group of girls to stay behind, and they’re all dismissed. I think that Cass is trying to build up suspense here, but she never explains why these girls were eliminated. So I assume that it was because she didn’t want to write about them.

So, after that, Maxon starts taking the girls on individual dates, and visiting America in her bedroom unsupervised. Well, since he’s the prince, it’s not a big deal for her safety’s sake, but if she wants to keep up the whole paragon of pureness thing, this is a bad thing. The least people are going to do is gossip.

What’s odd is that America rarely actually talks to the other girls. It is mentioned that they’re jealous of the fact that Maxon seems interested in her, but we’re told that America is getting close to them rather than shown.

I’m not going to mention every single stupid thing that happens in this, such as a bet between Maxon and America about whether or not America’s sister May will cry when she tries some kind of food with the prize as America’s ability to wear pants. If I did, this review would last a very, very long time.

So, as time goes on, she develops a ‘friendship’ with him and starts getting upset when he kisses the other girls, despite that she’s told him that she’s not interested. I don’t really see why he keeps her around. Meanwhile an interview of all the girls is about to be shown, rather like the live interview of all the tributes in The Hunger Games. I need to stop drawing these parallels. It’s not like this isn’t obvious…

So, America angsts about Aspen and then gets crabby when Maxon shows interests outside of her, all while claiming to be looking for a girl that is good for Maxon and shaming Celeste, whose only heinous deed so far is spilling wine on a girl’s dress. Admittedly, this is obnoxious, but it’s not enough to demonize the girl.

Before the interview, there is a rebel attack, which is not well described, but involves explosions and everyone hiding. While they are running off to the safety, one of America’s maids, Lily starts to have a fit and has to be pretty much carried to safety, where they’re told that while America is supposed to stay there, the servants have to leave and go yo another safe point. America pitches a fit, so the servants stay. We find out that Lily was raped by the rebels before, and she sometimes has fits when they come.

This is never mentioned again.

Rape is not something that you shove into a story for drama. It is most definitely not something that you mention, play for drama and never bring up again for the whole stinking novel. I hate this so much, I consider this action on the level of HUSH HUSH!

While they’re waiting, and America’s now ignoring Lily, Maxon mentions that there are Northern Rebels and Southern Rebels. The Northern Rebels attack more frequently, but don’t kill so many people, the Southern Rebels attack maybe once or twice a year, kill a lot of people, and seem to be looking for something.

So, while the plot is outside, literally bombarding them in an attempt to be noticed, Maxon hints that he’s interested in her, America whines about how she’s not interested in him but is and life goes on.

So, after the attack, some of the girls decide that this is too stressful and they’re going to go home, but they never had any lines, so who cares.

The big interview is coming up, and Maxon and America have a conversation about the caste system. It is incredibly idiotic. Apparently, despite the fact that Maxon has shown a decent amount of knowledge about how the system works, he doesn’t seem aware that poverty equals hunger. And America has to explain it too him. Maxon is horrified. I am unimpressed. She also tells him that Celeste is bad. Since she doesn’t have any proof other than that she was mean, and she thinks that Celeste is being mean on purpose, Maxon tells her not to speak ill of the other candidates, or he’ll have to disqualify her. America is mad, and Maxon isn’t budging. He says that once she has some real proof, he’ll think about it, but at the moment, her families too powerful to just ignore her.

Finally, politics in a political drama.

At the interview, Celeste is all hot and stuff, and that’s evil. Some other girls are named and brought up, but as we’ve never heard them speak before, it’s hard to care. America tells us that, yes, she was named after America the country because she kicked so much as a baby her mom named her after the country the fought so hard to stay alive.

This is forgotten as Maxon suddenly makes an announcement that he’s going to raise taxes to help the poor. This is, as to be expected, not really taken well. It’s also political suicide, since, judging by the middle ages, to rule, the king needs the support of either the nobles, (the upper castes) the people, (the lower castes) or religion. He is alienating the nobles before he can be sure of the support of the people. This is stupid.

The king and queen try to brush this under the rug, but the damage is done, and there is hinted to be a lot of problems on the horizon.

This is promptly forgotten the moment that America finds Aspen, now a member of the royal guard. That…that’s…convenient. I do not like convenience. Aspen goes to see America and tells her that he’s missed her so much, and that girl that she saw him with wasn’t really his girlfriend and it’s all a really big mistake and America buys the whole thing.

Showing the usual survival instinct that YA heroines have, she starts inviting him over to her room and having steamy make out sessions on the bed. This is incredibly stupid. First of all, she’s been told that she’s considered Palace property and messing with her could at the very least cause Aspen to lose his job. Second, she has shown herself to be a rival for the throne to a lot of young girls, and I’m sure that they’d all be pretty glad to have one more rival out of the way in return for a better chance at Maxon. Particularly as Celeste is being built up as Evil Incarnate. I would assume that since America’s been trying to get her disqualified, that Celeste’s trying to do the same thing. Yet none of this ever seems to enter America’s pretty little head.

While she is having her little affair, if I can call it that, there’s an attack by the rebels. Remember them? Well, they make an attack, and Aspen has to rush America into the safe area, and for a second there looks like their might be drama because Maxon shows hints of having realized that something was up, but then he goes back to worrying about how many people died in the attack. Celeste also asks America where she was. I’m sure this will be significant later. So, after that attack, nothing happens and no one that America knows gets killed, and then she goes to her room to find that someone was in fact looking for something. This is not resolved. America then talks to Maxon, finds out that all but six of the girls are going to be told to go back, and she is one of the six. She asks why. He basically tells her that he loves her, and wants her around as long as possible, even though, politically speaking, the other girls are better choices.

After that, she talks to Aspen and calls off the affair. Not because it’s dangerous, but because it’s her choice. She’s finally making her own decisions, and…if this had been brought up before, it would make more sense. The book ends here. Seriously.

Nothing happened for the last half of the book. I felt like Cass was just waiting for the sequel so she could write a trilogy. Even Hush Hush had a plot wander in at some point that supposedly justified the novel. This has nothing. She was selected. She went to the palace. Everything else could have been trimmed down and probably allowed the next book to fit in it! This was a waste of time!

I. Am. Irked.

Characters

Prince Maxon is actually, for the genre, a good idea for a character. He is gentle, mild, and, most importantly, nonthreatening. For this book to work, the male lead had to be as nonthreatening as possible. Why? Because in this world, Maxon has all the power. He could force America to sleep with him, and Cass makes sure that we know this. For this book not to have rape vibes, that had to be extremely far removed from his character. This does a decent job. However, at the same time, Cass shoots herself in the foot because someone with the compassionate character that Maxon is supposed to have would know about the sufferings of the lower castes. Because he doesn’t, he comes across as a sheltered moron in one scene and then seems to understand the politics better than America in others. This is poor writing. Another problem is that, frankly, for the book to really work well, the one without power has to be the one chasing the one with power. Naturally, this is ignored so that Cass, and the reader, can live out some kind of princess fantasy where two gorgeous men are chasing her.

America Singer is a Sue. There is no other way to say it. She manages to hit most of the indicators. Whiny, self-centered, beautiful without knowing it in a natural way, and in possession of a singing voice that is far better then the professionals. She literally has the survival instinct of a lemming, and shows the mistake of questioning a system that her entire upbringing would have told her to accept. While this is possible, the rest of her characterization and the fact that no one else questions it makes my Sue-dar go wild. As far as actual personality goes, she’s pretty flat, and only seems to be defined by the men around her. Even the last ditch effort to make her independent falls flat. I wouldn’t call her the most unsympathetic character I’ve come across, but her way of thinking that morality is defined by who and what she doesn’t like is really, really annoying.

Aspen is very much like Daniel from Fallen in that he doesn’t really feature much in the books. Yet, he’s built up as a love rival. You can’t really decide if you like him or not, and America constantly telling us how wonderful he is when their whole relationship seems to be built on this ‘connection’ that they felt when they met as teenagers doesn’t help. He is, however, a very, very selfish person. Why? Because he wants to have a relationship with America in a situation where if they do get caught, it’s very likely she would ‘go to jail’ or possibly be killed. He doesn’t seem to realize this, and even when America calls it off, he’s upset that she doesn’t want to risk her life anymore. Oh, sorry it’s because she wants to be her own decision. She wants to choose which man she builds her life around.

Celeste is our Scary Sue. She is apparently from a very powerful family and looks down on the lower castes. She also is hinted to be trying to sabotage the other girls. In the right hands, she could have been a good villain. As she is now, she’s kind of just there to make America look better. I assume that she’s going to have a purpose in the later books, but I’m not too sure.

America’s family doesn’t feature much, so I’m going to just name them as an entity. Her mother is supposed to be this shallow woman who only cares about her daughter marrying well, while her father is more tolerant. This cliche sometimes can work. Particularly when it’s clear that the family isn’t losing or gaining anything by the daughter marrying well other than status. The problem is, since they’re hungry often, there’s a very good, practical reason for her mother wanting her to marry well. May, the sister, really doesn’t have a point other than to show that America does like someone. Well, sort of. America complains about how May is kind of vapid and thoughtless even though she appears to be about eight. The father doesn’t really appear much, but he’s a weak figure at best, and his presence doesn’t really affect the story one way or the other.

Setting.

In a novel like this, the setting is probably the most important part. Dystopian novels are, first and foremost, allegorical. They are about something, usually an accepted part of society that is blown up out of proportion so that the reader can see what the writer wants them to see without the writer pointing any obvious fingers. The most important thing is it must be something both horrifying and something that you could logically see happening if taken too far. While The Hunger Games had its weaknesses, it was able to talk about something that, taken the extreme, could logically happen. We could desensitize ourselves so much that we could watch children kill one another for entertainment. It’s a stretch but possible.

The Selection doesn’t do that. The entire world doesn’t make sense, and there is nothing here that even sounds like an aspect of society that we have. The majority of Americans don’t have arranged marriages. We don’t have a caste system like this. I could see this as a kind of allegory to reality TV, but that really takes up so little of the book, that it doesn’t matter. In reality, I get the feeling that Cass wanted to write a fantasy novel, noticed that dystopian fiction was more popular at the moment and went with that.

The setting itself, meaning the castle, is not well described. I got the feeling that it was pretty, but that was really about it. There’s no description, no real feel for how the place was planned out and nothing even close to realistic or interesting setting. Most of the people, other than America and Maxon, don’t even talk. They’re just there, and we’re told that America is getting close to them.

Names

America is a stupid name for a character. When naming a character after something, it’s best to think of if other, similar name would sound good. Now, think of a country, any country. Let’s try….Pakistan. Not a good name. How about…Germany. Also, not a good name. England. Not very good either.

From this, I’d say, America sounds just as stupid. I know that it’s fun to make the name unique, but really, it’s better not to give them a name with significant meaning. Look at Katniss. She’s named after a wild potato if I remember right. It has pretty flowers, so it would be like being named Rose, Daisy, Pansy, Lily, or one of the other many, many flower names. It’s pretty, and it has a practical use, but there’s nothing really meaningful about it. And it makes it better when the character has to make themselves stand out.

Castes

The only society that has, or really ever had, a caste system the way we think about them is the Hindu society. I do not practice Hinduism and am not Indian. I know only what my classes have told me, but at the same time, what I’ve read and learned tells me that this whole set up is stupid.

First of all, there is a reason why a caste system exists and what the point of it is. In this, it’s because of how much money was given to the government when it was setting itself up, but that’s not good enough. An arbitrary system like this would have been rebelled against and overthrown very, very quickly. Particularly since soldiers come from lower castes. In the Hindu system it was both created for religious reasons and for an enforced organization of labor, and this system did not just appear overnight. It took a very long time for it to exist in the form that the British found.

Next, the punishment for having a kid out of wedlock or with a person of a different caste is stupid. You get imprisoned. This is a child’s punishment, Cass. You’re writing a dystopian novel! Make it awful. Make so that the woman can’t seek aid and the child’s caste follows the mother. Or have them thrown into the untouchable caste. Personally, I’d do the first, and then have the men from upper castes use this law to ‘populate’ his manor with servants the way that the plantation owners in the South did.

Also, it’s said here that you can buy your way up. It’s not what one would consider dystopian, now is it?

There is so much you can do with a caste system, but this book barely even touched on it.

Makeover Scene and Natural Beauty

In The Hunger Games there was a makeover scene where Katniss, who had always been dirty and poor is done up so that she looks more acceptable to people from the capitol, Panem. This is treated as something of a humiliating scene since she’s frightened and striped down like an animal at the same time there’s a ray of hope in the form of her stylist, Cinna. This makeover and how she’s seen by the people could determine whether or not she lives or dies in the arena. The scenes are kind of boring, but also crucial, so it’s understandable.

The problem is that for this novel, nothing rides on the makeover. America doesn’t want to be there, therefore we don’t really care if she wins or not. If she loses, she just goes back to her life and nothing bad happens. The heroine has nothing, absolutely nothing, to lose, and therefore, the scene is nothing but wish fulfillment to the extreme.

Next, we in America (the country) have a bit of a thing with natural beauty vs. unnatural beauty. Despite the fact that women tend to wear make-up from time to time, style our her and dye it as we get older, people seem to think that a young woman who does these in a novel is Evil ^TM and some kind of femme fatal. I’m sure it has something to do with (mostly outdated) ideas about how only ‘bad girls’ wear make-up. However, if this had been something cultural, it might have been interesting. I just kind of wish that it had had a point.

Racism

You know, everyone in this story is white. It’s very odd. I suppose I could see some kind of xenophobia towards the Asians and such, but where are the other races? Why is it that all the girls are white? If this was done on purpose to show how bad the government is, it would be pretty clever, but for some reason, I think it was because Cass doesn’t seem to realize that in our projected future, whites are not going to be vast majority. Actually, this whole book kind of makes me wonder if there’s some kind of…ethnic cleansing…that’s taken place.

Themes

I have no clue.

Er…Twu wuv is the most important thing in the whole world, and you should be willing to abandon your family for it. If a woman has any ambition at all, she is an evil harpy who needs to get a good man or will just be miserable. A young woman should only want to marry and settle down.

Now, I have nothing against women who stay at home. If the woman wants to do that, I see no reason to whine at her for bending to the patriarchy, particularly since women are encouraged to work. You should not call them ‘Brainless Bettys” or any of the other names I’ve heard. At the same time, a woman also shouldn’t be sneered at for not wanting to live at home and have babies, which is what this novel does. Blast it all, what is with all the women telling other women to stay in the kitchen?!

Mechanics

The book’s first person as usual, and the narrator’s voice is really kind of dull. I mean, first person is a great POV, particularly when you’re dealing with more introverted characters who have a lot going on inside. It can also be extremely funny, and you can really like the character narrating, but these take all the fun out of the point of view by whining so much.

As far as word choice goes, it’s not as bad as Adorenetto’s ultraviolet prose, but I wouldn’t call it good either. Most of it is pretty forgettable, which is a good thing, but there are occasional jarring sentences and silly word choices. So, while I’ve seen a lot worse, it’s got some problems with it.

History

The treatment of history in this is foolish. In The Hunger Games it’s pretty clear that the government is beating the citizens over the head with the idea that those people who rebelled against the Panem in the past were Very Bad People. This doesn’t do anything like that. America talks about how hard the country America tried to survive, which is why she’s named America. So, if they were so good, why change the name? Look at Brave New World and how the people in that book talked about how backwards and stupid people in this age are. That was clever, and it made sense.

This book should have had a history saying who America’s government was corrupt and lazy and our system was incompetent and how people have to have a king to make the quick decisions. Then, to separate themselves from the past where the government couldn’t protect it’s civilians from China, they changed their name. And make sure that anyone who disagrees is quickly and suddenly silenced and all their words disappear with them. There has to be some kind of reason for a major societal change, and usually the best is to scapegoat the previous government. It’s called propaganda.

Unless of course Cass was scared that people would misinterpret her and think that she was against the country, which is stupid since we walked into this novel with the idea that the system is evil.

Final Assessment.

There is almost no plot, the main character is a whiny little turd, and the only character who shows some kind of potential is the main love interest. I’m sure he’s going to lose that by the next book.

What really annoys me about the whole book is that there are ideas in it that could have been interesting. The caste system, the idea of a competition for girls to move up in the castes as a means to give the general populace hope that they could make their lives better and keep chasing that carrot, and the idea of a rebellion against this society and how the normal people would feel about it are all potentially good topics to explore. All this is trampled over in favor of more romance.

Are there good aspects? Yes, Maxon is tolerable³, and there are moments where Cass can hold some tension during the rebel assaults. There is also build up to other novels and questions that Cass doesn’t answer but makes important enough for you to care somewhat about. But thanks to the flat, boring voice of the narrator, who’s far more interested in her bleeding heart than the world around her, these aspects are mostly ignored.

All in all, The Selection is a novel of wasted potential, stays too close to the idea of The Hunger Games to be have any originally, and has an author who seems afraid to use her setting to its fullest. If you must read it, don’t be surprised if you end up disappointed.

Since this is elections, I just can’t let you go without some kind of shameless advertisement. So who am I voting for this year?

They have plot.

(Rating: 3 of 10)

Next: The House of Night: Marked

¹ Seriously, the statistics are completely against her. At least she should be humble enough to not just assume that she’s going to win.

² Despite the fact that it would be easier to go by plane. The reason isn’t discussed. I assume that it’s because Katniss did it in The Hunger Games.

³ I have to admit that the bar for YA love interests is set pretty low at the moment though.

Comment [69]

Sorry for the delay, but as finals have just ended, I am going to celebrate with a new chapter of Angel Fail.

In our last chapter…nothing happened. And in this chapter…nothing happens. Other than the fact that I find myself fainted creeped out by Adornetto’s view of love, she manages some more pretty extensive religion fails, and shows that she doesn’t seem to understand her own peers all that well.

Ready?

Let’s continue poking fun at a teenager’s personal fantasy on a website that she’ll probably never see.

Because that’s what being a critic is all about!

Chapter 2: Flesh

T’is but a flesh wound.

This chapter is, essentially speaking, Bethany talking about how being human is weird and hard and she’s so much better than everyone else for about fifteen pages.

So, having met Prince Charming in the first chapter, Bethany wakes up the next day and describes everything.

I could smell the briny sea air; recognize the sounds of gulls squawking, and the yeasty waves crashing over the rocks. pg 11

First of all, gulls don’t squawk. They cry. Squawking is an ugly, disharmonious sound, crying is a high pitched sound like the kinds that seagulls make. It’s a rather pleasant sound to wake up to, really. Next, yeasty…

I have this mental image of waves of dough rolling over the seashore. This is why you don’t want to just go to the thesaurus and use stuff you aren’t really familiar with. Or rely on Shakespeare for your descriptions. One must actually know a word, and know if it’s going to sound awkward or just weird in a context, and just because yeasty could be ‘foamy’ in the age of Shakespeare doesn’t mean that the average reader is going to get what you’re talking about.

Bethany describes her room as being very floral, little girlish and a Disney Princess vomit fest that I wouldn’t have walked into if my life depended on it when I was seventeen, talks about how weird it is that people can have texture and then decides to talk about Heaven. This is going to be a passage spork.

Try to imagine an expanse of white, an invisible city, with nothing material to be seen but still the most beautiful sight you can imagine.

This makes sense!

A sky like liquid gold and rose quartz,

So, we’re going to use material things to describe an immaterial thing?

a feeling of boyancy, of weightlessness,

This sentence is terribly structured. I mean it. There are so many appositives and lists that I’m not sure what can be taken out and what’s crucial to the sentence. I know that first person is more informal than third, but this is ridiculous.

seemingly empty but more majestic than the grandest place on Earth. pg 11-12

Personally, I always thought that there would be plants and animals in Heaven.

Hm. You know…

stands up, walks over to her bookshelf, looks around for a second and pulls out a Bible

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him”— 1 Corinthians 2.9 (New International Version)

Translation: No one has any idea what Heaven looks like, so shut up.

She than starts complaining about how limited and bad language is, and how, despite the fact that language is…shall we say an important? You know the distinction between us and animals, how Christ himself is called the Word and that God is supposed to have created the universe by speaking. She whines about how language just can’t express things, and how feelings are so much better. So apparently, we should all broadcast our innermost feelings to the world for everyone to know about.

Maybe she can communicate with sign language through the rest of this book! Then I wouldn’t have to read her narrative!

This leads up to what is essentially one of the most disturbing views of love that I’ve ever seen. Observe, in all of it’s glory!

One of the most frustrating words in the human language, as far as I could tell was love. So much meaning attached to this one little word. People bandied it about freely, using it to describe their attachments to possessions, pets, vacation destinations, and favorite foods. In the same breath they then turn this word to the person who they considered the most important in their lives. Wasn’t this insulting? Shouldn’t there be some other term to describe this deeper emotion? pg. 12

Obviously, Adornetto has never heard that many languages actually do have different words for different kinds of love. English is slightly deficient in that area, but you can’t judge every language in the world by one language. All of them have flaws. For instance, I’ve heard that the Navajo language didn’t actually have possessives prior to European contact. This made things rather difficult for trade, particularly since the Europeans were already xenophobic. On the other hand, the Inuit have words for things that the snow does that we’ve never bothered to even consider.

But wait, there’s more!

Humans were so preoccupied with love. They were all so desperate to form an attachment to the one person they could refer to as their “other half.” pg. 12

Only overly hormonal teenagers are, dear. The rest of us tend to move on to other things. And not everyone is that desperate. Also, I’ve never actually heard someone refer to someone else as their other half unless they were joking.

It seemed from my reading of literature that being in love meant becoming the beloved’s entire world. pg. 12

First of all, this sentence doesn’t make any sense. Being in love with someone makes you the entire world of the person you’re in love with? What if the other person doesn’t love you? I think that you’ve managed to back yourself into a corner there.

I’d blame the publisher, but honestly, I think by this point, their brain had turned to mush from the sheer floweriness of this paragraph that logic didn’t mean anything to them anymore.

Next, what literature are we talking about, Bethany? ‘Literature’ is a very broad topic that, even if you don’t mean genre fiction encompasses everything from folklore to Brave New World. Literature is, according to one of my professors, something that comes in four genres: fiction, poetry, drama and creative nonfiction. Everything that can be classified into one of those categories is ‘literature’.

So, since Bethany hasn’t actually said what she’s been reading, I’m going to assume that, she’s been reading Love Under the Elms and those porn sequels to Pride and Prejudice that Rorschach sporks, and, because she’s a derp, thinks that the world actually works that way.

The rest of the universe paled into insignificance compared to the lovers. When they were separated, each fell into a melancholy state, and only when they were reunited did their hearts start beating again. Only when they were together could they really see the colors of the world. Apart, the color leeched away, leaving everything a hazy gray. pg. 12

That’s not love, Adornetto. That’s emotional dependency. Most people think that’s a bad thing, and honestly, the first thought in my head is “if that’s love, I’m so glad I’ve never experienced it.” Oh, and from a very strictly religious standpoint, this sounds a lot like idolatry. Since it’s not God, but the other person, who is the most important thing in the whole stinking universe.

I’m not going to bore you with the rest of this insanely long paragraph, but she mentions how angels, or, ‘celestial beings’ as Bethany calls them, don’t understand the ‘intensity of human emotion’ and she’s curious about it.

Last quote.

I found it amazing how humans could allow another person to take over their hearts and minds. pg. 12

I find it amazing that some publisher, somewhere, actually looked at this and said “yeah, we can make some money out of this.” And why do I get some kind of horror movie vibe from this? I thought we were talking about love, not demonic possession.

At the sounds of the other angels moving around, Bethany, who’s apparently been lying on the bed, looking at the ceiling and thinking about life, finally moves her carcass and goes down stairs.

What did my ruminations matter anyways when human love was barred to angels. pg. 13

…

…

Sex.

She’s whining about the fact that angels don’t have reproductive organs. Which is somehow essential to having a relationship with another person. If you cannot or do not want to make babies, you are a hollow, miserable shell of a creature that can only look at the happy, normal people and bemoan how life has mistreated you.

Also, she’s happily ignorant of the fact that celibacy is kind of a big deal in the religion that she’s using, and Christ himself, unless you believe Dan Brown, didn’t have a girlfriend and that didn’t seem to bother him that much.

Or are you saying that you understand more about love than God, sweetie? Because it can be twisted that way.

Oh, and…rumination? Who uses this word? Seriously, this word doesn’t belong outside the GRE. You know, if I had a heart, I might feel a little bad for you since this is about as easy as shooting an ostrich on a three foot island with machine gun, but since I apparently have a black hole, I really don’t.

So, after almost three pages of whining to herself about how hard it is to be her and how she’s never going to feel love when we all know that by the end of chapter five she’ll be mooning over Love Interest Ken’s turquoise eyes, Bethany comes down to grace the world with her prescience and whines about how sore she is.

You’d have thought she’d be used to this fact by now. I know I’m sick of reading about it. I mean, all she’s done so far is sit and whine.

Gabriel mentions that it’s afternoon, gives Bethany a cup of tea and looks concerned when she overreacts to the heat. Maybe he thinks she should be used to this by now too. Bethany mentions that she can feel pain more than Gabriel and Ivy can because she’s so empathetic and she sympathizes with humans so much.

I’m having Hush Hush flashbacks. By this logic, a sociopath wouldn’t be able feel anything do to the fact that they have no empathy for anyone. This is obviously not the case, but Adornetto doesn’t seem to have thought this out too hard.

I understand that this is fantasy, but there is some science in fantasy. There must be rules, and things must make sense to a person doing a casual read. Particularly when the story is set in the real world.

Bethany states that the reason for her being so special is because she was created seventeen years ago.

…
…

No.

Adornetto, have you ever even read a Bible before? I’m not talking about a Catholic Bible. Just you’re average, normal Bible. I suggest that you do. Angels. Do. Not. Reproduce. There. Are. No. Baby. Angels. Also, I kind of thought that God stopped creation after seven (figurative or literal) days. I sincerely doubt that he’d just randomly decided to break that just for your Sue.

Well, I suppose I should be grateful that Bethany’s not a cradle robber. It’s better than some of these characters that I’ve met. I’m not even going to get into the creepy undertones of the fact that Nora was actually Patch’s (while he was possessing Jules) descendant.

Now, there is a part of this that could have been interesting if done properly. It might have been interesting to explore how empathetic that she is and how much trouble that causes her by being bombarded by everyone’s emotions, sufferings, and problems. Particularly how she reacted to the concept of sin and how morally gray people can be. And how they can do completely horrible things, thinking that they are justified. Even in high school. She’d have to deal with, say, bullying, and see both sides of the whole issue. It might have actually worked as an idea. Not necessarily enough to pull the story through, but enough to make it slightly interesting.

Unfortunately, we never get that. We only get Bethany shilling herself for being young and innocent and trusting in a passage that really should have been edited out, and life goes on.

Do something!

So they sit around the breakfast table, Bethany doesn’t like cereal which makes me hate her more, and Ivy is described as platinum blonde and worries about her. Bethany mentions that she had a bad dream which she never mentioned before, and this really worries the others. I guess in the Adornettoverse, angels don’t dream. Gabriel tells her not to get too attached to the world. This sounds kind of strange since she just had a nightmare, and I don’t think that she’d want to experience it.

This is really bad writing, since Adornetto did not mention the nightmare at the beginning of the chapter, leading me to the idea that she’d woken up peacefully. While I’m kind of glad that I’ve avoided the Super Special Awesome dream, it’s kind of confusing to have mentioned when there was nothing about it at the time when it should have been mentioned.

Oh, get used to Gabriel’s characterization. Apparently, Adornetto’s agent thought she needed a jerk in the cast, or something. To add depth and rebellion or…something.

We get some pointless description about how hot Gabriel is, which I really think is inappropriate considering who he is, the archangels are referred to as a ‘clique’ rather than a RANK and Adornetto displays some glorious research fail.

But at heart (there should be a comma here) Gabriel was a warrior-his celesial name meant “Hero of God”- and it was he who had watched Sodom and Gomorrah burn. pg. 16

Adornetto really likes dashes. I mentioned in my last chapter that Gabriel meant either Man of God or Strength of God. In no site was hero ever even mentioned. There was one that said Strong Man of God though, but that’s not a hero, unless you’re talking Greek Mythology where heroes were essentially whoever had the biggest muscles.

Next, while Gabriel is mentioned as blowing his horn at the end of the world, he’s much more associated with revealing things, such as the announcing the births of Chirst and John the Baptist to their respective parents and explaining Daniel’s visions to him, than fighting. Also, what’s this celestial name thing? Gabriel has one name.

The archangel known for being the warrior is Micheal. You know, the angel who cast down Satan? Who’s said to lead the angels in battle? Who is considered by some to be the Prince of the Seraphim, the greatest rank of the angels? Who some consider to be the Angel of Death?

What’s the matter? To scary for you?

Though I’m glad he’s not involved in this. It’s painful enough to see the Archangel Gabriel involved in this crapfest. Though I’m sure he’ll turn up in another book and I can scream and rage and throw things against the wall or something.

You know what…this isn’t Gabriel. The name is misinterpreted, his role is misinterpreted, and everything about him is wrong. I name you Naybriel.

So this boring conversation continues and it turns out that Ivy has a snake tattoo that means that she’s one of the Seraphim.

No.

First of all, Adornetto says “a Seraphim” which is incorrect because Seraphim is the plural of Seraph, but she does show that, for the first time, she’s actually done something that is close to research. She mentions that the Seraphim were known for spitting fire in battle. While I didn’t get anything about that, I did get that their name meant “fiery ones” so I’m inclined to be lenient this time. She also manages to know that Seraphim where supposed to have six wings. It’s too bad that she didn’t mention the ‘many eyed’ bit.

Though the very idea of Ivy, who so far as shown the same amount of intelligence as a turnip, is one of the Seraphim is pretty funny.

Next, the idea of the Seraphim being identified by a snake tattoo. I have one thing to say: You fail religious studies forever!

And now, finally, Bethany describes herself. I will give credit where credit is due. The paragraph (yes, paragraph) is roughly the same size as the other character’s paragraphs. On the other hand, she spends the entire time talking about how pretty she is, rather than her rank or anything, which gets a sentence, since she doesn’t actually have a rank.

Pryotra’s condensed description: short with brown hair and eyes, skinny, very white. At least she’s not blonde like Adornetto is.

We get an insanely long description of Ivy putting toast in the garbage (You’d think angels would be more interested in not wasting food that could be eaten by the starving masses.) and finally we actually have some exposition and preaching about the human condition. They mention in the paper that there are all kinds of problems such as war, terrorism, economic collapse and other such problems are reported.

“Is it any wonder that people don’t feel safe,” Ivy said with a sigh, “They have no faith in each other.” pg. 18

Lady, I think that’s the least of humanities worries.

Also, you’re angels, not a pep squad.

Naybriel says that that’s not their problem and they need to focus on their mission. Which is the town because for some reason beyond the cast’s, or my, comprehension, the Dark Forces have decided to attack it. It’s a good thing that they’re being so slow about it so that heroes can sit and chill the way they’ve been done.

I’ve got to hand it to the Dark Forces, they’re a considerate bunch. I mean, most evil groups would know that it takes the Powers of Light and Goodness sweet forever to do anything, so they’d get the ball rolling before they could react, but not these guys. Maybe they’re in the Darwin house across the way or something, drinking koolaid and watching Jersey Shore.

They speculate on just why they would want to attack a middle class town in America for a while, and Naybriel gives this stunning piece of fridge logic.

“If they can conquer a town, they can conquer a city, then a state, then a county.” pg. 18

AND THEN THE WOOOORRRRLLLDDDD of course.

Honestly, this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. A force that can conquer a town, may or may not be able to conquer a city. Also, what exactly are they trying to do? I’m a little confused about that. Are they literally going to try to take over the world? Why would they do that? From my knowledge of Catechism, demons aren’t as interested in the body as they are in corrupting people so that they go to hell. Because the devil is a spiteful little brat and if he has to go to Hell, so does everyone else. While I could see their trying to attack en masse and get people to do all kinds of heinous things to one another and with one another, I just can’t see what the goal is for a town like this.

Silly me, they don’t need a motivation; they’re the Dark Forces.

Ivy, trying to lighten the mood a little, says that they need to focus on their jobs and blend in.

She might be as old as time, but sometimes, Ivy could sound quiet naïve. Even I knew that blending in was going to be a challenge. pg. 18

…Ladies and Gentlemen, our heroine.

Once again, Adornetto goes out of her way to say how her angels are different and better than everyone around them, and everyone can’t help but sit and stare at them in utter admiration. We also get information on just why their having bodies is completely redundant: they glow in the dark because they’re so white, and they don’t leave footprints. Then she mentions that they never were tank tops as if this is so unique. A lot of people don’t.

Such as myself.

Adornetto, please don’t smack me upside the head with the Sledgehammer of Foreshadowing. It’s about as irritating as the Sledgehammer of Symbolism.

We get a long time skip, where Adorenetto mentions how the people are just so fascinated with them, as if they’re the first people who’d come there for years. Get this: she actually mentioned that people mistook them for celebrities because they’re so pretty. And then she snubs anyone who actually watches TV by mentioning how they never watch it. (For the second time.)

Wait.

…
…
…

GLORIA TESCH IS ALEXANDRA ADORNETTO!

She thinks she the new C.S. Lewis, is annoyingly preachy and makes her characters talk in ways that no actual person would. They are the same person I tell you!

Composes herself

Bethany continues and mentions how all you have to do is look at the newspaper and you see the evils of the world, and then mentions that the Agents of Darkness are the cause behind this. Seriously. It’s not the terrorist blowing up a building, it’s the Dark Forces.

Nqrhweuiasjfnqeuo osbnfu9qib o iuorn qui f

bqqt5h awjq

While I am as willing as anyone to assume that that the devil is going ‘Oh, tehehe, blow up this building!’ as the next person, I sincerely doubt that that building would have been blown up, and those people in the building would have died, if there was no person there who, of his own free will, pushed the big button.

goes away and has a cup of tea

Comes back and stares at the computer screen and the book

I should have known there was something wrong with this thing the moment that I noticed my cat was chewing on the edge of it.

So, anyways, Bethany mentions that she thought that Venus Cove was going to be an easy assignment, but she was about to realize how hard it really was. Subtle. Also, if everyone thought this was easy, why would you send an Archangel?

We then get a random description of the landscape around them. Apparently the place is utterly perfect in every way, including

pastorial scenes of undulating hills with grazing cows and pretty windmills. pg. 20

Windmills? Where in the US is this place. I mean, I’ve seen windmills, but the farm windmills that I’ve seen in the past aren’t what I’d call…pretty.

She also mentions that she is living in a one of the better houses in town (Naturally, what’s a Self-Insert without living in luxury?) and the only one of them who has any slight compunction about this gratuitous strutting around is Naybriel, who is so far the only character that I actually like. Bethany, in a rare moment of thought, mentions that she doesn’t think that the house isn’t going to help them blend in since it’s so ritzy, but then waves it off by saying that she couldn’t complain.

She also mentions how since they’re a beach town, they only get business in the summer, but that’s a good thing, because everyone is so laid back.

…

Let’s discuss this a little shall we? If the only time that these people get a lot of business is in the summer, how are they affording these big houses? Where is the money coming from? How are people paying to go eat out if there’s no work? That’s kind of how the economy works in this country. A person goes to work, makes money, then spends it on useless junk and/or eating out so that other people can go to work and make money and continue this. In a place that she is describing, predominately white and upper middle class, with a good school system that apparently demands uniforms, which will be discussed later, there would have to be some source of this money. Some business or something.

Or maybe they’re all criminals. That would make sense. Venus Cove is kind of like Tortuga and people are constantly smuggling in drugs or something which keeps the town rich.

Alright, I have an answer.

And finally….FINALLY the agents of Light and Goodness actually make plans to do something.

Don’t all cheer at once.

Bethany is going to…go to highschool, and Naybriel is going to teach music there. Because between the two of them, they can influence all the teenagers to become good little Christians.

I have no words for this.

Ivy is too “unworldly” (read: stupid) to actually interact like a normal person. Rather she shall stay at home like a good woman and cook and provide moral supper. But she tells Bethany that it’s her job to lead by example rather than actually do anything.

Because one little teenage girl who acts all moralistic is going to change the entire school, which via TV and the Internet and popular novels is also society in general. The only thing that might work would be a miracle.

Essentially we’re here to drive away evil influences and restore people’s faith in each other. pg. 22

And if we all hold hands and sing ‘It’s A Small World After All’ a big blue bubble will envelop the Earth and then Blue Heaven really will be a place on earth.

What about the demons? I want to see epic battles!

After all this, Naybriel basically tells Bethany to try to talk like a normal human being, and Bethany gets all offended and mentions how she’s not that scary. No, but you’re obnoxious, proud and do not have a clue about how people actually do things, and anyone who talked to you for longer than three minutes would back away from you slowly.

Ivy also says something rather important that I’m going to record here for future reference.

No personal talk about home, no “God reckons”…or “God told me”…they might think you’re on something. pg. 22

No, they’d think she was hearing voices.

Bethany says that she wants to fly down the corridors during lunch hour, and then waits for everyone to laugh at the joke. Naybriel doesn’t seem to get it, and Bethany gets all prissy about how he doesn’t have a sense of humor.

No, Bethany, you’re just not funny.

It’s kind of like in Twilight when Bella Swan thinks that her mom being ‘part albino’ is a joke, and then comments about how rain must dampen senses of humor because the guy she was talking to didn’t get it.

Bethany then starts whining again, in case you forgot that she was young an supposed to be easy to relate to by the teenage audience. She complains about how Naybriel and Ivy are so calm about the whole thing and know what to do while she’s so different and special and just got being human more than they did.

There’s a long discussing of clothing and the fact that the school they’re going to has uniforms, which is apparently really special, that I don’t really want to discuss. Three points of interest: she keeps on describing how hot Naybriel is, angels apparently walk around naked in this universe normally, and Bethany wears her hair in braided pigtails at seventeen.

Er…Adornetto, I’m probably not in the best position to say something given that I was homeschooled and all, but at seventeen walking around with braided pigtails in this day and age is rather like walking around with a big neon sign saying ‘Pick on Me.’

There’s some second guessing, a reminder that they really can’t say anything about what’s going on because they’re angels and therefore were commanded to, and high school is turned into The Most Important Thing Ever. And then they mention what could go wrong.

I doubted myself, and I knew that could lead to losing sight of my higher purpose. After all, it had happened before with dire consequences-we’d all heard of the dreadful legends of fallen angels, seduced by the pleasures of man, and we all knew what had become of them. pg. 24

Did you just feel the Sledgehammer of Foreshadowing? I sure did. Also, this is so awkwardly worded. I could cut out about half of that and still say the same thing. Though, to give Adornetto credit, at least she doesn’t refer to the Fallen as the devil’s angels and then try to make them the good guys.

And with that the chapter closes.

So, as a recap of what happened in this chapter: Bethany whined, there was pointless description, Bethany whined some more, we learned Naybriel’s and Ivy’s respective ranks, Bethany whined some more, we learned that Venus Cove is a hideout for smugglers and pirates, Bethany whined some more, they planned on going to school at some indeterminate time in the future, Bethany whined some more, and there was a big smack of foreshadowing.

In essence: absolutely nothing.

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Introduction

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, I present to you a Sue among Sues! A shining example of the worst that YA fiction has to offer! The most unsympathetic protagonist this side of Bella Swan! I present to you Zoey Redbird! Watch as she commits sociopathic acts that would make Rose Potter burn with envy! Marvel at the sexist and childish worldbuilding! Tremble at the knowledge that this is a popular novel.

I am, of course, speaking of the House of Night series, written by the mother-daughter team of PC Cast and Kristen Cast. Here to be referred to as Mommy Cast and Baby Cast.

This hybrid of Harry Potter and Twilight takes the worst of both novels without using the redeeming parts of Harry Potter and overusing the biggest mistakes of Twilight. Yet it is extremely popular to its target audience, who rush to defend it at the slightest criticism and don’t seem to notice that the Sue is talking down about…pretty much everyone.

Another thing of note in this series is that Baby Cast admits boldfaced to having based the main character off of herself as a teenager, as if this is a good thing. What this says about herself as a teenager, I’m not really going to discuss. As a writer, it just says that she’s pretty bad, and her mother is either just as clueless or clever enough to know that Self-Insert + Wangst + Male!Harem = Money.

Yes, this series actually involves the girl having about three boyfriends. And this is OK. Oh, and one of them is apparently her teacher. But that’s another book.

Here we begin the train wreck known as House of Night: Marked.

Cover Impression

This was an embarrassment to have on the bus to class. Seriously. It looked like I was reading porn or something, and then some guy sat there smirking at me at one time and…

Alright.

Other than the fact that it looks like porn, the cover is pretty bland. It’s just a girl with most of her face cut off staring at the reader. There’s only a black background with some greyish designs and honestly, it just looks boring.

The reason I’m calling this out is that for all that people say don’t judge a book by it’s cover, we tend to do just that.

Think about it: at the store, the books are all competing with one another to catch your attention. They have to have something interesting on the front or else you’re just going to pass it over. That’s why these girls in prom dresses tend to be a bad idea for a novel right now. They all look so much alike that they blend together. With this one, while the girl’s dead white skin is an OK contrast for the black background, wouldn’t hold my attention.

City of Bones does a better job with its giant shirtless guy. At least he’s memorable. This is truthfully, one of the worst covers that I’ve seen for a book.

Plot

Taken from Amazon:

The House of Night series is set in a world very much like our own, except in 16-year-old Zoey Redbird’s world, vampyres have always existed. In this first book in the series, Zoey enters the House of Night, a school where, after having undergone the Change, she will train to become an adult vampire—that is, if she makes it through the Change. Not all of those who are chosen do. It’s tough to begin a new life, away from her parents and friends, and on top of that, Zoey finds she is no average fledgling. She has been Marked as special by the vampyre Goddess, Nyx. But she is not the only fledgling at the House of Night with special powers. When she discovers that the leader of the Dark Daughters, the school’s most elite club, is misusing her Goddess-given gifts, Zoey must look deep within herself for the courage to embrace her destiny—with a little help from her new vampyre friends.

My version:

We start with a quote from Hesiod, talking about the “gloomy house of night” which is obviously where Mommy and Baby Cast came up with this title. It also shows that, like most people when dealing with these kinds of quotes, they completely missed the point. Hesiod wasn’t overly positive towards Nix, personification of night in very early Greek mythology, no one is usually positive about night time.

So, we start the story with our protagonist Zoey Montgomery talking to her friend Kayla in the hall of an unnamed school and whining because her boyfriend (or rather kind of, sort of boyfriend as Zoey constantly reminds us) got drunk at a party the night before and she wanted to go home. The reason she doesn’t like it when he drinks is not because it’s bad for him or because he’s going to get himself killed the moment that he decides that he can drive when he’s drunk, it’s because she finds a beer gut unattractive.

It’s good to know that we have a protagonist with her priorities straight.

Kayla agrees, but says that he’s cute, so that’s fine. Zoey whines about how shallow Kayla is and how she’s so much better than her. We’re four paragraphs in, and I hate Zoey.

As they go to her locker, Zoey suddenly sees a dead guy, as she calls him, hanging around it who touches her, says some mystical mumbo jumbo about having been chosen or something by Nix, and Zoey blacks out. When she comes too, Kayla is standing over her, asking if she’s ok, but refusing to touch her. Zoey suddenly notices that she’s got a crescent moon on her forehead. Kind of like Sesshomaru or Sailor Moon. Only blue. This is apparently a big deal since everyone’s now staring at her including a guy who is

a tall thin dork with messed-up teeth, which I could, unfortunately, see too much of because he was standing there with his mouth flapping open staring at me like I’d just given birth to a litter of flying pigs

Keep in mind that Baby Cast has flat said that Zoey is based on her when she was a teenager. This does not speak well for Baby Cast.

This Mark, as it’s called, apparently means that she’s going to turn into a vampire. Here called vampyre. In the words of Linkara: because poor literacy is kewl. Apparently in this world, this is an everyday occurrence yet people, being shallow minded, evil, intolerant, patriarchal, are still afraid of them. Being a vampire means that unless Zoey goes to the Super Special Awesome House of Night, she’ll croak.

Don’t get excited, she gets there in time.

So, Zoey continues to whine about how life has misused her, mentions that the whole ‘Marking’ thing could have killed her, has a completely pointless meeting with her kind of boyfriend and goes home. Her boyfriend, incidentally, is roughly as dumb as dirt.

As she goes home, Zoey examines herself in the mirror and starts to rub that fact that she’s part Cherokee in the reader’s face. I will discuss this at a later time, but I will mention that those traits are recessive, and as she’s only a quarter Cherokee, chances are she wouldn’t look at all like one. Other than maybe getting the really thick hair that’s hard to work with like my mom has since she’s a forth Chippewa. Also, she mentions how it makes her look like an “exotic” Native American.¹

This is racist.

Zoey gives us an infodump about how awful her family is. Apparently, her mother recently remarried someone who Zoey dislikes. And that’s Evil ^TM since Zoey is the definition of morality in this world. She refers to the man as the step-loser. She also as a younger “troll like” brother and “slut…Barbie clone” older sister. We never see these siblings, and their crimes are: liking violent video games² and being a cheerleader.

And that’s terrible.

Obviously Mommy Cast has just gotten on board with the video games as the epitome of all evil, and Baby Cast didn’t like cheerleaders.

Zoey’s mother apparently used to be fun since she read ‘exotic novels’ AKA porn and wore makeup, but since she got married she won’t do that anymore. Because the evil Man won’t let her. Zoey’s stepfather is a fundamentalist Christian of the parody kind and doesn’t approve, and her mother got a personality transplant and does whatever her hubby tells her.

Because the second you get married, you turn into a mindless drone who only wishes to maintain the patriarchy. Did you know that men are all evil? Unless they’re vampires of course.

Zoey says that she has to go to the House of Night before she dies, Mommy treats the whole thing as if Zoey did it on purpose to annoy her and her husband. Zoey calls Mommy out for loving her husband more than her. Then the stepdad shows up, quotes the Bible for a while, and then tells Zoey to go to her room while he calls the prayer tree. Whatever that is. I get the feeling that the Casts actually have never met a Christian outside of Jack Chick. The Casts also seem to have forgotten about the whole vampire thing in favor of letting Zoey wangst about her family.

In her room, Zoey has a moment of characterization that feels jammed in as she decides what to bring as she runs away to the House of Night. For some reason this involves a lot of bras and thongs. I guess she plans on parading around in them or something. Then she sneaks out the window to go see her grandmother, who she considers her real mother, and get away from the prayer tree which Zoey tells us consists of

fat old women and their beady eyed, pedophile husbands.

Now, now, save some stereotypes for the rest of the characters, ladies.

And, Zoey mentions the real reason the Casts made her family Evil Evangelical Christians. Because this way, Zoey doesn’t have to miss them. Heaven forbid that she feel even the slightest bit of conflict or homesickness when she goes off to romp with the vampires. The Sue of Sues must not be hindered by such things.

Going off to see her grandmother, who lives out in the boonies and drops words in Cherokee every so often, Zoey has some flashbacks about how great Grandma is and how she doesn’t think of her real daughter as her daughter and how Cherokee awesomeness skips some generations, and some over spiritual nonsense that isn’t part of the traditional Cherokee religion.

Funny story, I’ve just finished a class in Native American Literature, where one man named Womack writes about how he was at a poetry convention on a reservation, and he was getting sick of angsty poems written about super magical Native American grandmothers who he didn’t think existed.

So anyways, Zoey starts to feel sick when she’s in the sun, but she, being stupid, goes out into the middle of Grandma’s country property, which from the descriptions has a couple hundred acres of land on it, manages to start climbing over some bluffs, fall, get hit on the head, and sees some vision of Cherokee dancing around the fire.

Kind of like the scene in Hildalgo, but lame.

Then she has some kind of smack induced hallucination about a beautiful woman appearing in front of her, kissing her on the forehead and then embracing her tightly while telling her how special she is and is going to be.

And this has no sexual undertones to it.

At all.

Meet Nyx. She’s going to be our annoying, overly cleaned up version of a mother goddess today. She’ll pop in and out from time to time as a voice in Zoey’s head, offering her sage like advice that really doesn’t help her too much. You should be grateful that I’m not going to mention her too much.

Zoey suddenly wakes up in gothic looking hospital room that has gaslights for some reason or other, and a woman is looking her over along with Grandma, who apparently found Zoey before she died. Shame. The woman introduces herself as Neferet, the high priestess of Nyx.

Neferet calls Zoey by the name Zoey Redbird, and Zoey mentions that her father’s name was Montgomery, which is oddly worded since that would be her name too. Neferet tells her that vampires get to chose their own names when they get marked. This sounds like a really bad idea. Actually, this concept was covered decently in Skulduggery Pleasant where they talked about people choosing names and the mistakes that they made. Anyways, Zoey ditches her father’s last name and goes with her Super Special Awesome Native American one.

Then Zoey shills Neferet for a while and mentions that she’s

what all vampyres are, more than human —stronger, smarter, more talented.

Have I mentioned how much I hate stories about supernatural creatures that are just so much better than humanity? Particularly when it’s the species that the Sue has become/is about to become. It just screams that Baby Cast is upset because she’s not as successful as she thinks that she deserves to be.

Apparently, while she was asleep, Zoey’s mark was suddenly filled in so that in stead of an outline of a moon, it’s a full crescent moon tattoo on her forehead, which looks even more like Sailor Moon or Sesshomaru. This is only something adults have, and has never happened before to anyone but her.

Excuse me while I go vomit.

So, Grandma leaves, Zoey and Neferet walk through the school, we learn that the People of Faith, as our lovely little Christian group is called, used to own this property as a monastery. We get some shilling their mother goddess based religion, and out of nowhere, Zoey thinks about how awesome it would be to be high priestess.

That was foreshadowing. In case you didn’t notice.

Then Zoey, out of nowhere, sees a girl trying to give a guy a blow job.

I am not making this up.

This scene comes out of absolutely nowhere and it does next to nothing other than allow Zoey to preach about her incorruptible pure pureness (despite the thongs) and have some shaming our our soon to be Scary Sue.

Passing by the random scene, Zoey manages to get to the dorm room, which seems to have a common room, and meets a blonde³ girl who named herself Aphrodite. She was the girl from the random scene that happened before, where the Casts tried to raise the rating or something. Zoey thinks about how pretentious her name is and wastes no time in whining about how icky and mean Aphrodite is. Thus making herself sound like a shill harpy.

Aphrodite is polite, if disinterested, and Zoey is acting all prissy. Then we have some…unrealistic dialog like

this place is cool because I’m cool.

I wonder if Mommy Cast and Baby Cast have ever heard an actual human speak.

So, Zoey is directed to her room where we have a stereotypical cowgirl waiting for her to be her roommate. And, like everyone good in this novel, she instantly loves Zoey. Her name is Stevie Rae.

They go down to eat, have it mentioned that vampires do in fact drink blood⁴ and meet the rest of Zoey’s new, cool, vampire friends. They consist of a good blonde who loves shoes named Erin, Damien, who “doesn’t count as a guy” because he is so camp gay that I’m surprised that he doesn’t wear a pink filly tutu everywhere, and a Token Black Girl named Shawnee whose characterization is so completely indistinguishable from Erin’s that they call one another ‘twin’. They all exist to mindlessly shill Zoey and hate Aphrodite and her group who call themselves the Dark Daughters. Apparently, the head of the Dark Daughters is going to be the next high priestess of Nyx, something that Zoey, in the space of five minutes after meeting Neferet had her eyes on.

That’s about it.

Moving on, we have classes, such as vampire sociology which has little to do with any actual sociology and more about how awesome their straw feminist, preachy, society is and how evil the patriarchal human society is. Now, in the hands of a decent writer, this might have been interesting. Say, as a way to show a kind of integration and assimilation process where the students are taught to hate humans and their former humanity. Zoey, who at first completely buys into this whole thing, would have to learn to rebel against it as she learns just how wrong it is.

Naturally, that’s not going to happen.

Later, Zoey meets a girl called Elizabeth in drama class who is nice. She also meets Erik, who is our trophy boyfriend, and reads one of Othello’s soliloquies about Desdemona to her.

Being that Othello brutally suffocates Desdemona, I’m not sure if this is supposed to be Romantic or Foreshadowing. Personally, I think the Casts just don’t know what they’re talking about.

He’s hot though, and he was the guy involved in the random blow job. So therefore, he’s important. Elizabeth says that he’s off limits because he’s Aphrodite’s ex. I am sensing a chick flick moment coming up here. After class, all her friends are thrilled by how interested in Erik Zoey is since they have no lives outside of her. Then they go to English class where the fact that the teacher lived during, but not through, the sinking of the Titanic. This is treated like the Most Tragic Thing Ever⁵ and Zoey get’s shilled for having watched Titanic. Then they bash Dickens for no other reason then that Baby Cast didn’t like Great Expectations, shill Walter Lord’s A Night to Remember⁶, and Zoey see’s…an ugly guy. The ugly guy is asleep and seems pale and pasty, and Zoey immediately thinks that he’s gross because he’s a normal teenager and has zits and questionable hygiene.

The teacher calls him out for sleeping, and tells him that he’s failing in life. This would get this teacher into a lot of trouble in the real world, but here it is treated as completely justified. Because he’s ugly. His name is Elliot. Remember it. No one else will.

As it turns out, Zoey gets herself invited to the Dark Daughters meeting, since they’re apparently supposed to be a big deal, and Neferet likes Zoey. This is after a nightly service (I think it’s nightly. The Casts aren’t too clear on it.) about the moon. It involves a pentacle and the joining five elements of fire, earth, wind, air, and spirit. Oh, and some dancing from Neferet.

It also kind of reminds me of a cheap knock off of Holy Communion since they’re passing around a communal cup of wine that you have to respond to.⁷ Zoey treats this ceremony as the most amazing thing ever.

Then we see the Dark Daughter’s service.

It’s pretty much the same as the other one, only it involves Marijuana incense⁸ and Aphrodite doing a seductive dance thing towards the Sons of Darkness (the male branch that doesn’t do anything other than look hot). It actually seems more like a mother goddess fertility rite than the sanitized Disney version that the Casts are pushing.

Zoey is aghast at the whole thing, but she still sits there and takes a drink from the cup that’s being past around like the last time. This cup is apparently filled with either a drug or the best drink ever since Zoey pretty much goes into ecstasy when she has it. Then Aphrodite, laughing at her, admits that it’s blood. The blood of Elliot the ugly person, who apparently gets drained every night. Every. Stinking. Night.

And the teachers don’t care. And Mommy cast and Baby Cast don’t seem to get the repressions of blood loss and treat his blood loss induced exhaustion as if it’s his being lazy.

I hate you both, Casts. I hate you, and I hate your story. Shame on you for treating a person like this. Shame of you for making the only thing that Zoey is even upset by in all of this is that his ugly blood is now coursing through her.

May you be ranked with Eye of Argon in the future.

And I’m not sure if I’m insulting Eye of Argon.

Zoey goes outside and wangsts about how mean that Aphrodite is being. Then, in a rare scene that shows that Mommy Cast can actually write, she sees what looks like the demonically possessed Elizabeth, who is briefly mentioned as having died suddenly. Because apparently, these kids can die at any time after they’ve been Marked. And no one cares. Not even them for the most part.

Then the ghost or disappears and Erik shows up and flirts with her for a while. Zoey is happy since he’s not interested in Aphrodite, and he’s telling her how special she is, and the Casts apparently think that all geeks/dork love Star Wars since he thinks that the fact that he likes the old trilogy is the height of nerdiness. He asks Zoey on a date. Zoey is happy and Erik goes away.

And then her human friends show up out of nowhere. Apparently, they wanted to rescue her, so they tracked her down and scaled the wall to see if she was alright. It’s kind of cute, even if they’re treated like they’re denser than rocks, and the Casts try to assure me that it’s only Heath who cares about Zoey (because he loves her). Kayla, her former best friend, is just a jerk who wants to date Heath and keep Zoey away from her harem. Heath still is as dumb as dirt and manages to get a cut. This makes Zoey bite him and start draining his blood.

Kayla, naturally, gets upset by this, ends up attracting attention, and the next thing Zoey knows she’s in front of Neferet.

Don’t get your hopes up, she’s not going to punish Zoey. Neferet doesn’t care. She ‘subtlety’ hints that she’s going to be a villain later because she hates humans outright instead of thinking their stupid but paying lip service to them. After that she, shills Zoey for being special enough to have blood cravings when she’s just a few days into being a vampire.

Also, something called Imprinting is mentioned but not explained. This does not bode well. It seems to involve humans and vampires.

Zoey gets to call her grandmother, gets told how special she is again, and suddenly Granny is a Nyx worshiper too! Yay?

Then she has another vision of Nyx who shills her, and even the vague conflict that she’d had about biting her ex is gone completely. Now she’s planning on…humiliating Aphrodite and taking control Dark Daughters away from her.

Nice.

So, she and her friends sneak unto the grounds the next night and hold a ‘Cherokee ritual’ that is somehow connected to the moon ritual that they had the last night, end up channeling all the elements, (which makes her even more speshul since no one’s ever been able to that before), finds out that each of her friends can channel one (as in a singular) element, and they plan on doing this to somehow make Aphrodite look stupid.

Maybe because she’s supposed to be the only one who can. I’m not sure. The book was really confusing about what their plan actually was. Maybe Mommy Cast wanted to make it sound…interesting.

So moving on, the next day in English, while Zoey is gushing over A Night to Remember, Elliot the ugly guy suddenly starts coughing up blood and collapses. He has an extremely tragic scene where he begs the teacher to tell his mother and father what happened, and they take him away. Neferet appears, tells the class that yes, this can happen to any and all of them, and goes on her way.

In the dorm, Zoey doesn’t care. She thinks that while it’s scary that they could die, he was ugly and annoying, slept during class due to blood loss and didn’t show any interest in being a ‘consort and protector’ the way that vampire men are supposed to be. Therefore, his life was worthless anyways.

Charming, no?

That night, she sees a demonically possessed version of Elliot that seems to be looking for something. He attacks, but gets called off by something before he can do anything. This is…actually a decent tie in for the next book, since it’s not explained and there’s a feeling that there’s still unanswered questions. Or that the plot might actually start there and not this glorified high school drama.

So, the next day, there’s another meeting of the Dark Daughters for Samhain, and Zoey tags along since she wants to somehow humiliate her. The celebration involves sneaking into a museum in the middle of the night and setting up their ceremony. I don’t know either. Aphrodite summons evil spirits because she doesn’t like humans and wants to commune with the evil spirits about how bad people are and then do nothing. Then Heath shows up again. He’s completely drunk and suddenly obsessed with Zoey to an utterly creepy level. I guess that was the Imprinting thing.

Why does Imprinting always involve mind rape?

So, Heath decides to try to drag Zoey back to the normal world, manages to step into the little magic circle, which is bad, and all the evil spirits decide to eat him. Zoey, being the Sue, comes in and forces the evil spirits back, gets her friends, who were all there for some reason, get into position for her to join the elements again, and gets the spirits to go away. Then she tells Aphrodite that she’s taking control of the Dark Daughters. Aphrodite says that it doesn’t matter if she can make the elements tap dance, it takes Neferet to make someone the leader or not.

Naturally, Neferet shows up, publically humiliates Aphrodite, and declares Zoey and most speshul snowflake this side of the North Pole. So, now, in less than a week, Zoey has taken Aphrodite’s, position, friends, boyfriend, reputation, and relationship with someone who was supposed to be training her to be high priestess.

I actually kind of feel sorry for the girl.

Oh, and Zoey’s Mark is even more special now. It looks like a big tattoo, and everyone tells her how beautiful and special she looks.

Gag me with a spoon.

Characters

Zoey Redbird is repulsive. She actually does next to nothing in this entire novel but sneer at other people for being dorks and pat herself on the back for being as awesome as she is. She frequently halts the narrative in order to preach to the audience on the evils of sex before marriage and pot. Her claimed interest in her Cherokee heritage is really just a way to rebel against her mother, and many of the comments she makes about the Cherokee, such as how exotic and magical they are, shows me that she knows absolutely nothing about the actual Cherokee religion. Next, for all her claims of tolerance, she feels no pity, sorrow or anything with someone dies right in front of her. She is the Sueyist Jerk Sue that I’ve ever come in contact with in published fiction. And that includes Bella Swan and Eragon.

Erik is…not really present for most of the novel, and that’s a good thing. It seems like guys who don’t turn up much in these books tend to be more likable. He seems nice enough, but the problem is, since I don’t know much about him, and the only real times I see him are when he’s shilling Zoey. He seems more like a trophy than a person. Erik exists to be shown off by the queen bee of the school, and that is the extent of his purpose. His interests and goals are mentioned, but it’s clear that they are not important to either of his girlfriends. He’s hot, and no matter how much he tries to have a personality, it’s going to be ignored for the sake of mentioning how hot he is. I pity the guy.

Damien is our token gay guy, and he is worse than Alec from the Mortal Instruments in that regard. Being gay is literally his only major character trait. He is constantly referred to as somehow not being male or as being feminine in appearance. I’m just waiting for him to talk with a lisp and call everyone “dahling” or something. This character is proof as to why, if you cannot handle writing a certain kind of character, you shouldn’t write them. It is ten times worse than not having a gay character at all if this is all you can do. This holds true for minorities and pretty much everyone else. If you cannot write them without relying on stereotypes, then don’t.

Aphrodite is actually the most interesting character in this story. Which I know is a mistake. She’s set up as the average mean girl who the good new girl dethrones and makes life better for everyone and thus fulfills Baby Cast’s personal high school fantasy. However, she is also mentioned as having the ability to get visions of the future and is the only character who has a clue that Neferet is most likely evil and manipulating the situation and Zoey. She’s also the only one who actually admits that she hates humans as opposed to constantly saying that they’re stupid and then paying them lip service. In the right hands, she’d be an interesting rival character or antihero.

Zoey’s other friends really aren’t worth a lot of comment. They are boring and have few traits of their own that make them distinguishable from one another. I tended to get their names confused while I was reading. They mostly exist only to tell Zoey how awesome she is and how much she deserves to go and take over the Dark Daughters. They are only good because the morality of this world is completely protagonist centered. As people they’re all rather shallow, whiny, stupid and backstabbing, but they like Zoey, so everything’s OK.

Native Americans

It’s funny since I’ve just taken a class about this. The basic point of the class is that it is wrong, morally, ethically, ecumenically, or any other way, to use Native Americans in fiction when you’ve done no research on them. While the Casts might feel that they’re good people for making the Native Americans more spiritually gifted then the icky, patriarchal white people, all they have done in reaffirm that the two races cannot be reconciled, and it is only a ‘White Messiah’ who can protect their culture.

Many Native American writers would like to inform the Casts that they are perfectly capable of protecting their own culture without their continuing to misrepresenting them to teenagers, who might actually believe that this is what Native Americans really act like and believe.

Themes

All men are evil or stupid unless they are hot. Then they are merely useless. Gay people are not to be considered any real sex at all.

You can waltz in and take the entire life of another person for yourself, as long as you think that they’re mean and you deserve it.

Ugliness deserves death. Particularly when it’s combined with being annoying, sleeping in class, or doing anything that you don’t like.

I’m not even making this up. These are pretty much the morals of this book. I dare you to find one theme to this whole thing that does not have horrid implications.

Setting

There is little about this setting that really holds up. We are apparently in some kind of alternate universe where vampires do and always have existed, and they apparently are so wonderful and powerful and awesome that all writers, singers, actors, and artists are vampires. Taking aside the gross and obnoxious ‘humans are icky’ mentality of this book, this makes very little sense.

Vampires are, if not immortal, going to live a very long time.
So, modern writers could be completing with Shakespeare, Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, and other extremely talented writers that would still be coming up with stuff. Modern actors would be working against Cary Grant and Bob Hope as well Marilyn Monroe and Greta Garbo. Modern artists would have to face the likes of Da Vinci. It would be nearly impossible to break into this kind of market with this kind of talent already there. It would be positively flooded with art, books, movies, songs, and everything else from amazingly talented people, and while SMeyer and Paopao might not have been published, Charles Dickens also might have had trouble. Also, there’s no way to guarantee that history would he progressed the way it did. If certain people stayed alive, a lot of mindsets or ideas might have stayed the same longer. For all we know, we’d still be fighting with slavery.

The whole system would be paralyzed.

Now, lets talk about reproduction. Apparently, vampires can reproduce in this world with the frequency of people. And they live for centuries. Hello, overpopulation.

Sexism

I would like to state something right now: a matriarchal system is just as inherently sexist as a patriarchal one. It is still holding one sex above the other and saying that they are superior and the other is weak/useless. This pseudo Wicca does the same thing in reverse as the Casts accuse the Christians of doing.

One tell tale sign of this is that males are seen as ‘protectors and consorts’ to the female vampires, but have little actual power, and this is treated as not only fair but the way things should be. There are no men who aren’t interested in being protectors or consorts. The men seem to be happy with their second-class citizenship, and this is treated not only as a good thing, but as the way things should be.

In the same vein, every human man is either about as intelligent as your average amoeba or are Evil Abusive Sexist Pigs. Because they’re male and not vampires. And that’s terrible. The vampire males are simply useless. They are there to be lusted after and turned into trophies, and have little actual say in much of anything that goes on, and if they are not defined by a woman, then they must be gay.

If we were to reverse this and make this a man talking about women this way as supposed to be ‘nurturers and mothers’ or something like that, we would be offended. Why is this OK?

Mechanics

The Casts seem to have trouble with channeling the voice of a normal teenager. The story is, as usual, written in first person, but the flow of the style changes sometimes, I suppose because suddenly Baby Cast will insist that she knows just how something should sound, and Mommy Cast won’t bother too much to change the style.

The primary problem is, to me, that the word choice is odd and sometimes doesn’t have much continuity. Zoey seems to have no problem with dropping the occasional f-bomb, but then shill drop a phrase like ‘poopie for brains’ or something like that.

If you don’t want to swear, then don’t. There are ways to get around it, but this is just ridiculous.

Another problem with story is the dialog. The Casts don’t seem to really know how teenagers talk outside of Disney movies and chick flicks, which seem to be the extent of their research. The wording is awkward, people say things that no one with any sense would, and when the token gay Damien sometimes drops big words everyone stares at him as if he’s speaking another language. It’s just not well done.

Religion and Mythology

Oh boy. This is a long section this time.

The Casts seem to be suffering from a dreadful disease that I call Lang’s Syndrome. Named for Andrew Lang, who, despite being one of the first people to bother to translate non-European folklore into English, had an irritating tendency to try to jam all folklore into English folklore. Thus calling Chinese dragons fairies at one point. He also liked to oversimplify things and over sanitize them for the minds of the precious children. The ladies are trying to jam world mythology into their monotheistic mother goddess religion, and it doesn’t work well.

Now, as far as Wicca goes, I can’t say for certain if what they’re saying is right or wrong. There are multiple kinds of neo-paganism and Wicca. The older form had a goddess and a god that were consorts, but Dianic Wicca is more like the sacred feminine that we’re seeing here, but it’s a little different. I believe that they are making up their own version based off of Dianic Wicca, and to an degree, I think they actually believe it. That doesn’t mean it works. The same thing goes with some of the symbols that the Casts are using, such as the labyrinth and ever famous pentacle, which actually has some ties to medieval Christianity. They’re trying to make them fit into their world view and it’s pretty awkward.

Next, Nyx has the guts to introduce herself as

Changing Woman, Gaea, A’akuluujjusi, Kuan Yin, Grandmother Spider, and even Dawn…

All of these were (sometimes, in the case of Grandmother Spider) goddesses who were involved with creation. Nyx, goddess of night, had nothing what so ever to do with that in any Greek Myths. Nyx and Gaea were two completely different goddesses who served two completely different functions. Oh, and Gaea had a consort. The sky god Uranus. Because from the sky comes rain which makes crops. Thus: union of earth and sky=life. Night just was kind of there. It did produce Eros according to some stories though. So, no, Nyx had about as much to do with the creation of the universe as me. Also, these goddesses were all members of larger pantheons and their roles in creation would vary from story to story. For instance, there are some Navajo myths (where Grandmother Spider comes from) that say that Coyote made the world, and Grandmother Spider just kind of adopted the Navajo as her children. That’s the problem with trying to make all mythologies fit into one. It doesn’t work.

The same issue holds true for the Cherokee religion, which actually does still exist. They don’t have a supreme goddess. They are the ones who had the Great Spirit called Unelanuhi or “the Apportioner,” who is identified with the sun, and seems to be male. A bit of a far cry from their goddess of night, huh?

Next, to discuss their religion and how it interacts with others. I find it strange that everyone who gets Marked as a vampire suddenly converts to worshipping Nyx. I mean there is not one person who said “thanks, but I’d rather worship Jesus/Allah/Vishnu/no one/everyone” in this whole universe. It makes me wonder if there’s no some kind of mind rape that goes into the entire thing to make them all think alike and join into a hive mind or something…actually, that would have been interesting.

The vampires are more of a chance for Baby Cast to live her dream of being the best at everything and completely beautiful, and, honestly, there’s little that’s actually interesting about them. They have no weaknesses. Even the thing with the sun will eventually go away, leaving them Suetiful people who everyone is a jealous hater of. The Casts can’t make up their minds on whether they’re science based or magic based since they give a scientific explanation and then go into the Nyx stuff.

In the hands of a good writer, this would have been a nice touch, since Zoey could have been confused if seeing Nyx was real or not, but naturally, it’s never explored.

Final Assessment

The fact that this book is popular kills a little of my faith in humanity. The plot is pretty much Mean Girls with Vampires and less conflict, the main character is nothing more that Baby Cast getting the chance to unleash her hatred on everyone she didn’t like in high school, the world itself doesn’t make any sense, the vampires are nothing more than a Sue race and the characterization is so cliche it’s a joke.

Yet it is popular, and people think that it’s interesting. What’s worse is this is the book that most people consider the best out of the entire thing.

So, in light of the holidays, I have one thing to say: Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and if you weren’t good this year, you might find this book in your stocking instead of presents.

Score: 1 of 10 (Well, there was some halfway decent foreshadowing.)

Next up: Anna Dressed in Blood (I know I mentioned Beautiful Creatures, but finals came, and I had to return it before I finished it. I’ll do it later. I promise.)

¹ She goes even further with this and mentions how this makes the blood of her people rejoice or some such nonsense. As if the Cherokee were thrilled when one of their own turned into a blood sucking monster that was represented by the personification of night, which like most people, had a pretty negative meaning in their culture.

² The game in question is Delta Force: Black Hawk Down which she treats as if it’s the most violent, gory game to have ever been created when it’s rated Teen. I wonder if the Casts are related to that one former lawyer that called all video games ‘murder simulators’.

³ Because blonde girls are evil in every Suethor’s fantasy. Seriously, if you’re that jealous, dye your hair or something.

⁴ This was, according to an interview with the Casts, a ‘nod’ to traditional vampires. It’s a sad and sorry day with Stephanie Meyer knows more about vampires when you do. At least she was aware that that was what made them vampires.

⁵ I am not saying that the sinking of the Titanic wasn’t something that shocked people and wasn’t a terrible tragedy. I’m saying that her milking being alive during the sinking of the Titanic but not being on it would be like me talking to people about how I was in Colorado at the time of the Columbine shooting, despite the fact that I was about eight or nine and never met a single one of those people.

⁶ As a note, Walter Lord was never on the Titanic. He rode on the HMS Olympic (the Titanic’s sister ship who had a very long and successful career) which inspired his interest in the ship. However, he did interview several people in order to make the thing more accurate, and it seems that it was legitimately well written and was eventually made into a fairly successful movie. However, I have issue with a character who referred the sinking as an event that changed history, and was so proud of being alive at the time, accepting a book that was published almost fifty years after the event by a man who wasn’t alive at the time of it. Also, it’s not technically literature, just as the Monmouth’s History of the Kings of Britain isn’t literature, no matter how many liberties he took with it.

⁷ They say “Blessed be” like good, cliché Wiccans. I’m not an expert, but I’m pretty sure that there are other things that they say.

⁸ Now, as a funny thing to mention, some Native American tribes did actually use marijuana somewhat like this for religious ceremonies. It was supposed to open you up with the spirit world and such. I’m not sure if the Cherokee did this, but you’d think Zoey would know this if she was actually interested in her heritage.

Comment [41]

Alright, kiddies, gather round. It’s time to introduce the Halo drinking game.

I do not recommend actually playing this with alcohol as it will inevitably end in liver failure.

1. Take a drink every time that, despite being an angel, Bethany commits one of the seven deadly sins: Greed, Lust, Envy, Pride, Wrath, Sloth, and/or Gluttony.
2. Take a drink every time that the high school age characters act either nothing like high schoolers and more like how the movies show high school kids.
3. Take a drink every time that Adornetto does not to the research for something.
4. Take a drink every time that someone does something stupid.
5. Take a drink every time that someone does something that Adornetto seems to think is good, but on further inspection really isn’t
6. Take a drink for every time that Naybriel is villainized for actually caring about the job that they were sent there to do and not about Bethany’s love life
7. Take a drink every time that Bethany/Adornetto starts preaching to her peer group or putting her self insert above them.
8. Drink the whole stinking bottle when reality itself seems to have bent over backwards to accommodate Bethany.
9. Take a drink every time a character legitimately calls Bethany out on her stupidity and gets ignored or villainized.
10. Take a drink for when Xavier acts nothing like a normal teenage guy

…Yeah, there are ten of them. I don’t really know know how that happened.

I refuse to do anything involving the prose, wrong words, or the dialog. I actually would like to live out a few chapters.

Also, I’m going to state this right here: I am trying very hard to do too in depth into the religious aspect if these books or at least, I’m going to try to avoid talking too much about it. I don’t think you guys are all that interested in the deeper, more complicated parts of Catholic theology, and I don’t want to sound like I’m trying to convert you.

So, without further ado, let us begin chapter three. In which I wonder what kind of school Adornetto went to.

Chapter 3: Venus Cove

Haven’t we already discussed how Venus Cove was made up of smugglers and drug dealers? I don’t think there’s any reason to discuss this anymore. Also, they have a place called Shipwreck Coast. This place is honestly sickening.

We begin with a long, purple description of the school called ‘the Bryce Hamilton School’ which apparently used to be a convent. Because it can’t just be a normal school. Problem: most convents were pretty small and had pretty small rooms. Usually a school would be attached to a convent since the nuns would have tried teaching. She could have said that the nuns sold it, but having it be the convent isn’t the best use of things.

But here’s me, putting in logic into this story.

There’s some more description of the outside of the building that most people are just going to skip over, and then a pretty stupid statement.

Despite it’s archaic exterior, Bryce Hamilton, had a reputation for moving with the times, and was favored by progressive parents who wanted to avoid subjecting their students to any kind of repression.

Then lose the uniforms, dear. Also, this would mean that since Bethany doesn’t have a laptop or a smartphone or a tablet then she’d be pretty much doomed to failure.

Then she claims that most students were there because their grandparents were pupils.

Is it progressive or really ritzy and pretentious? Make up your mind, Adornetto. It can’t be both.

Bethany, Naybriel and Ivy stand outside the door of the school for a while, while Bethany feels sorry for herself and sneers at the teenage girls around her.

I’d listened in on the prayers of teenage girls and most of them centered on being accepted by the “popular” crowd and finding a boyfriend who played on the rugby team.

Hm. I sense smug superiority. That’s a drink. It is! \~/

Also, rugby? While rugby might be a big deal in Australia or such where our dear author is originally from, she moved to America, and honestly, she should know that it’s not a big deal in this country. This school is just dripping with pretentiousness.

Bethany whines about how she wants a friend, which is stupid since that’s not her job, and then starts listing steretypes. These include the music group, that only consists of guys with shoulder length hair; goths, who Bethany complains about existing because they violate the dress code that a progressive school wouldn’t have; “those who liked to think of themselves as artistic”; blonde girls who travel around in packs; and academic types that are too timid to be anything interesting.

Ah, we’re two pages in and I’m going to get drunk.

And get used to this. Bethany’s going to be acting like this for the rest of the book.

Naybriel and Ivy complain about modern fashion, which I’m not assigning a drink to because I think that this is in character for Naybriel. Ivy then acts like the proper maternal figure that she’s supposed to be, and they stand in front of the school, staring at it for another three minutes.

Wait…

Spitefic!

As we looked at the building, and Ivy gently touched my shoulder, my hearing, superior to any human’s, picked up the sound of giggles.

“They’ve been standing there for five minutes already,” a girl’s voice said. “Do you think they’re still alive?”

“Maybe if I throw a soda can at the guy…” a boy snicked.

“You can’t do that, he’s a teacher.”

“He’s not a teacher until he introduces himself as a teacher. I can just say I thought that he was a trespasser or something.”

“Wearing the uniform?” Another girl, this one with a bored, droning voice, said.

“…He stole it.” the boy descried.

There were someone giggles, and I tried to block out the inane adolescent twittering.

“What about the girl?” the boy asked his tone held an noisome note.

“Aw, leave the poor mousy girl alone,” the first girl giggled.

Something suddenly hit the back of my head, and my ruminations on the school vanished as I looked around, but there were too many children giggling at my being hit by an empty soda can for me to see the culprits.

I was shocked when I later realized that the academic children had been the ones to throw it.

Because there standing there staring at the building really would get people’s attention.

So they go in, everyone stares at them as if they are “royalty” because they’re just so special and are greeted by

A short, round woman with a pink cardigan and an over inflated sense of importance

\~/ for pride.

How does she even know that this woman has an ego? Seriously, we haven’t even talked to her. Or are you telling me that Bethany and Naybriel read minds now? Also, with a school as pretentious as what’s being described, it’s not surprising for the faculty to be a little impressed with themselves. It is a hard job to get after all.

The woman introduces herself as Mrs. Johnson, and we learn that Naybriel is going by the name of Mr. Church. The Agents of Light and Goodness are a subtle group, don’t you think? She mentions how their school is wonderful, and it sounds pretty normal for once, but Adornetto ruins it by mentioning that there’s supposed to be a basketball game that day, but if it starts raining, their team will have to forfeit.

\~/

First of all, basketball is an indoor sport. It was conceived of as being an indoor sport. It was created to be an indoor sport that people could play during the winter when the other sports were unplayable due to snow. A school this pretentious would have a basketball court. Most schools have basketball courts. Next, even if this school did not have a court that was indoors for some insane reason, they would just reschedule the stinking game! Why would they have to forfeit?

Blast it all I have no interest in sports, but I know this! \~/

But, as it turns out, this was just an excuse for Naybriel to make the sun come out so the little darlings could have their game after all. Nonexistent problem solved!

This book is making me feel ill.

“Well, would you look at that!” Mrs. Jorden exclaimed, “A change in the weather- you must have given us luck.”

I’m starting to wonder if I’m going to get diabetes from this book. We get another long flowery description about the halls and how they’re pretty pretentious, yet the kids have graffiti all over their lockers. I’m pretty sure that this wouldn’t be allowed in most schools. This could be interesting. This could show that the show used to be a pretentious, rich school, but it’s fallen on hard times recently, possibly even as something involving their mission on the level of sin in Venus Cove.

But I’m thinking again.

Naybriel gets worried that Bethany might have problems, and Bethany is very long suffering and says she’ll just have to bear it. Then Naybriel leaves Bethany to her own devices. Bethany is lost now, since she’s never seen a schedule let alone worked with one. Since she’s lost, she goes up to a

girl with a tumble of titian curls who was striding past

and asks directions. I’ve just looked up ‘titian’. This is the name of a Renaissance painter, and also ‘brownish-orange’ which seems to have been a color that the painter favored. I dislike having to look things up in the dictionary for a YA book, Adornetto. Also, from the dictionary that I read, this is not a popular word, and I’m not completely sure that it’s being used right.

Alright, Adornetto, you want to pretend that you’re high brow lit. Fine. Adjusts glasses

The problem with the use of words like this is manifold. The first is that, quite simply, the work is pretending to have more merit than it does. This is a cheap romance novel meant to appeal to pubescent girls who need something to do with themselves. It has no real theme, other than love conquers all or something to that effect. It makes no statement about society, life as a whole or even love as anything more than a fluffy feeling. The main character experiences little to no actual conflict or character growth. While some romance novels can be so well written and thoughtful that they capture something about human emotions, they do not do so by flaunting their vocabulary. This is the literary equivalent to a little girl putting on her mother’s dress and assuming that that makes her grown up.

Next, the age of the author is an issue. I feel that Adornetto is trying to make up for that with her vocabulary, and it’s tiresome. Also, there is the underline idea that permeates through the work that feels like Adornetto is preaching to me about the Corrupt and Mediocre Generation and how they use words like ‘lol’ when speaking. While I’ll tolerate this from someone who is old enough to be my parent, it gets really irritating to be preached to my someone who’s younger, or even the same age, as I am.

This is not to say that a writer shouldn’t use the vocabulary of a fifth grader, but when this very problem is listed in How Not to Write a Novel, and is clearly something the the writers (who are agents) have had to deal with for a while, you fail.

At any rate, Bethany asks the girl what her schedule means, and since it’s not that understandable, it makes some sense, but there’s a problem. Bethany would likely have had this explained to her. If nothing else there would have been a helpful little sheet of paper explaining everything to her in a kind of annoying way.

But if that had happened, we wouldn’t have gotten Bethany to have a conversation with a normal person, now would we? So, Redhead, who doesn’t have a name at the moment, asks Bethany if she has a spare after chemistry, which is her first class and offers to show her around. This is very nice of her actually. Bethany doesn’t have a clue what a spare is. I don’t either, but Redhead looks at her like she’s strange for not knowing that. Bethany said her last school didn’t have free periods.

Redhead introduces herself as Molly.

The girl was beautiful with glowing skin, rounded features, and bright eyes. Her rosiness reminded me of a painting I’d seen, a shepherdess in a bucolic setting.

First of all, the grammar nazi in me doesn’t like these sentences. There should be a comma between “beautiful” and “with”. Second, “beautiful” is what my English teachers refer to as a fluff word. It doesn’t actually mean anything.

Next, Bethany is, essentially, saying that Molly looks like a ideal of an illiterate, dirt poor girl who has to sleep outside with a group of stupid, surprisingly mean animals so she can eat that was created by a bunch of idealistic painters and loved by rich people. Because the rich people didn’t want to have to worry about said dirt poor girl, and they could now say “but look! She looks so healthy and natural and fresh!”

\~/

Finally, has anyone else noticed that people in these high schools are never average looking or have acne unless their minor characters or evil?

Because only pretty people can be Bethany’s friends! \~/

So, Bethany gets her books out of her locker, has some more inappropriate sounding thoughts about Naybriel and his “strong arms” taking her back home, and heads to class with Molly, who is suddenly her friend.

So, she finally straggles into class, the teacher gives her a mild rebuke for being late (that’s what you get for staring at the building for so long) and Bethany feels a little prissy but doesn’t speak out.

Almost every pair of eyes followed me as a took the last seat available.

Darling, have you ever been late for school? It’s not all that shocking. The only time I’ve ever noticed a person coming in late was when they were twenty or so minutes late in a fifty minute class. Most of the time, everyone will ignore you. You’re not that interesting.

Bethany sits in the back and ogles Molly. Well, she does. She just sits there and describes the girl rather than pay attention to class. Molly has the first button in her shirt undone and she wears earrings so therefore she’s fast.

What.

The next quote is…well, enjoy yourself.

“Don’t worry about Velt,” she whispered, seeing my look of surprise. “He’s a total stiff, bitter and twisted after his wife served the divorce papers. The only thing that gets him going is his new convertible, which he looks like a loser when driving.”

So, calling someone out for being late makes you a sick and twisted person in this world. I’d hate to be a jaywalker here. Or rather I should say that it seems like being a normal teacher and calling out Bethany makes you a sick, twisted wreck of a human being. Because, like most Sues, morality is determined by how nice you are to them. \~/

Also, way is it that a teenager can’t write dialog for teenagers? \~/

The girls talk in the middle of class about names, and Bethany notes that she

shouldn’t have have been talking at all since we were in class

and…Hm… She knows that she’s doing something wrong, and yet she’s doing it anyways, that counts as a sin in the Catholic Church~ \~/ Not a mortal sin or anything like that, or even one of the Seven Deadly Sins, but it’s a pretty good, textbook definition of a nice little venial sin which she shouldn’t be able to do if she’s an angel. This is the problem with actually tying in angels with Catholicism. They don’t sin. Ever. That’s why they’re angels and not demons. People have more leeway.

Molly complains about her name being something out of a “picture book” and, honestly, I’m going to talk about names again. Molly is a diminutive of Mary. Which I’m pretty sure that Adornetto did look up because authors like her have a name meaning fetish and thinks she’s very clever. Also, it’s a pretty common name. Not like her Super Special Awesome angels or…the love interest. She’s just showing how common and flaky poor Molly is.

I’ve decided that I like her. At least for now.

Molly asks what Bethany’s parents do, and Bethany brilliant answer:

They’re diplomats.

…

…

What.

No. Seriously. What. Why would a pair of diplomats be working in a little town like this? It would have to actually be important to the government or something for diplomats to be involved. Or…maybe I really am right about the town’s illegal activities, and now Molly is going to go home to her parents who are smuggling drugs into the country and tell them that the government is getting suspicious or something.

Now, the best, and easiest way to have resolve the parent issue would have been in one of three ways. The first is what I call the Necessary Orphan Approach. Either the parents had just died and her older siblings had come together to raise her, or she had recently been adopted by a young married couple but had been in the foster system before. This is usually sufficient. The other, and even easier answer would have been for Naybriel and Ivy to age themselves up a notch and played parents themselves.

But then they wouldn’t have been hot.

And we all know that that’s the real reason why they’re young looking. So that people can lust after angels.

\~/

We learn that Molly’s lived here her whole life, and repeats that fact that Venus Cove is boring. Because we didn’t know that before. Then the plot raises it’s head and takes a gasp for air as Molly mentions that things have been getting creepy lately. Bethany asks how so.

Now, here is what should have been said.

“…I don’t know,” Molly said, looking down at her hands, which had clenched into fists, “It’s not anything really…noticeable, it’s just that… My dog ran away last week. That wouldn’t be really weird, but everyone’s pets have been running away…and…and then people have been acting strange. Mr. White down the road from us has been looking at me lately, and it’s really freaking me out. Even everyone here. That graffiti that you saw. It didn’t used to be there. And the teachers don’t care. And…”

She laughed, a nervous, high sound that had an edge that worried me, “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

This isn’t the best example in the world, but demons rarely decide to be visible to my knowledge.

We get mentioned that there’ve been some robberies, a flu epidemic and freak accidents where people died, including six kids.

The robberies and flu aren’t too bad, but not nearly good enough. The problem is the freak accidents.

stands up and walks over to her book shelf and takes out another Bible

“Do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.” Matthew 10:28. New American Standard

The demon’s primary interest shouldn’t be in killing people. It should be in sending people to Hell for all eternity.

And Bethany’s reaction.

“That’s devastating,” I said weakly, feeling a hollowness in the pit of my stomach.

It could be. If we weren’t dealing with this particular setting. Death is a terrifying thing, but what makes it scary isn’t the act of dying itself, it’s the fact that death is the great unknown. We as people don’t really know what happens when you die. Even when you have faith in a religion, it is still an unknown, and it’s still upsetting. Bethany isn’t dealing with an unknown. She knows what’s going to happen to the people who die. She might be sad if someone went to hell or purgatory or was did something that sent them to one of the two, but the dying bit wouldn’t really upset her.

\~/

This could have been interesting. She might actually be confused as to why people were so worried about dying, and have to learn about people and gain more empathy for them.

But that would mean that Bethany wasn’t perfect.

Bethany says that it’s the Agents of Darkness, who for some reason aren’t as interested in eternally damning people as they are in giving the kids a nice, clear shot into Heaven. She asks Molly if there was anything else, and Molly, who apparently is a bit of a gossip monger, mentions a guy who went up on the roof to get a baseball bat and somehow fell off and died. And no one’s managed to get the bloodstain off and everyone’s freaked out.

Not bad. Wrong genre, but not bad.

At this point, the Mr Velt gets over his hearing loss and tells off the girls for talking in class. They’re lucky they’re not in my chemistry class in college. They would have been told to leave. Or my Sociology class. He liked to write people’s names with a heart around them on the white board if they were late. So we could send then love.

Then Velt turns off the lights and starts a slide show.

I groaned inwardly and tried to suppress a rising wave of panic. We angels were radiant enough in the daylight. In the dark it was much worse but concealable. But in the halogen light of an overhead projector, who knew what would happen.

They glow.

\~/

BWAHAHAHAHA!

And the Powers of Light and Goodness didn’t think about this? \~/ They sent these morons down here when they glowed all the time.

If you had any doubts that this was a Twilight ripoff, you can rest assured. SMeyer’s vampires sparkle and Adornetto’s angels glow. I’d really like to see Bethany under a black light. I bet she’d turn funny colors or something.

Also…why isn’t the teacher using PowerPoint? I mean…this was written in the twenty-first century. Any decent school would have PowerPoint presentations. Blast it, I went to a community college, and everyone used PowerPoint.

Moving on, Bethany whines about how easy the theories that she’s learning are, (Pride \~/) and how she already knows all the sciences, and they’re so simplistic, and as she’s in a rather privileged position, it kind of rubs me the wrong way.

Then Boy shows up. He’s sitting right behind her, and asks her if she’s lost. Why? Bethany ogles his pretty blue eyes for a while and then he speaks.

“You know, the more conventional way to learn is from inside the classroom.”

\~/

What?

That sentence makes no sense whatsoever. Nothing leads up to it, and nothing hints that Bethany’s not paying attention. Adornetto just wanted the chance for her couple to meet in Chemistry in a blatant rip off of Twilight. There’s no lead up, there’s no hint. He just starts talking to her out of nowhere.

Edward Cullen was more believable than this!

Bethany ogles him for about a page in a half that I will sum up for your sanity’s sake.

OMIGOSHHE’SSOHAWT!!!!!!111!one1elevenzies

Ahem.

I had an instant, gut wrenching physical reaction as if the world were falling from under me and I had to steady myself to stop from falling with it.

\~/

There should be a comma there.

Also, I’ve been saving this rant for a while, but I think that this is a good place to have it.

I’m sure that, by this time, everyone here’s pretty sure that I hate YA romance. That’s not true. I think that YA romance can be positively precious. It can seem sweet, fragile, passionate, and all kinds of good things. Just like adult romance. I’ve read Fruits Basket. A YA romance can be just as good as any other romance.

What I object to is this love at first sight crud.

The reason is that no one has to work for it. The characters don’t start off as neutral, and through the course of events and traumas and trials and fears and battles grow closer and closer to one another. They don’t have to work. They just look at one another and boom. They’re in love. Problem solved. No one had to put in any effort. They don’t have to get over one another’s respective personality flaws, they don’t have to learn about one another. They just wuv one another without having any kind of problem.

And everything after that is just a Series of Unfortunate Misunderstandings.

So, Bethany looks like she’s going to faint from Boy’s massive hotness, and Boy worries about her. Bethany is worried that he doesn’t remember that memorable moment at the dock where he was torturing fish, and Bethany gushed over him. Boy mentions that he does remember and introduces himself as Xavier.

…

I liked Boy better.

Bethany gushes more about Xavier’s “ridiculous good looks”, sounds like she’s have some kind of…fit, and finally introduces herself as Bethany. If I were a guy, I would be a little bit worried about going after a girl who stared at me breathlessly for a good ten seconds before introducing herself. It’s been worried that I’d be hooking up with some…Yandere or something.

School goes on, but that’s not important. Other than the odd fact that they all use projectors. Seriously, what’s wrong with PowerPoint? Does this school have something against technology? Then why are they progressive?! If they’re progressive than they should at least be using PowerPoint if not prezi or something similar to that.

So anyways, the girls have to change clothes from gym and Bethany has a panic attack for some reason about taking off her clothes in public, and doesn’t seem to realize that there are ways to get around exposing yourself when changing in public. As long as it’s not a swimsuit. Molly somehow manages to get her bra straps tangled together (which seems like a rather difficult thing to do), and Bethany helps her with it, while talking about “the unnaturally soft touch” of her hands, which sounds…odd. They have an almost funny conversation where Bethany confuses hotness with body temperature, but there’s a problem with this.

You see, Bethany’s supposed to have been sitting around the house being taught how to act like a normal teenager and not bring attention to herself. While in reality, she’s been sitting around reading “literature” and refusing to tolerate modern pop culture, which she would have to know to seem normal. This is why she would have been better off watching TV. At least then she would have known the difference between a person being hot, as in attractive, and a person being hot, as in very warm.

\~/

Molly at least is normal enough to think that this is weird, but she brushes if off pretty fast after explaining it and making a crack about Bethany going to school on Mars. It’s more likely that Molly would have started avoiding her since she was weird, and Molly seems to be fairly popular.

Then she mentions Xavier, and Adornetto pats herself on the back for her naming skills.

Speaking his name aloud was strange. There was a cadence to it that made it sound special. I was glad that the boy with intense eyes and floppy hair wasn’t named Peter or Rob.

\~/

You said it! You said it! The only reason you named your stupid love interest Xavier was because you wanted him to be Speshul! It’s the same as those Naruto fanfic writers who get the brilliant idea to name there character Raven in a completely Japanese universe.

I for one would have rather seen him named something common. Since I would have to learn what made him different from the other characters named Peter or Rob, it might have actually made him more interesting. As it is, I just can’t help but think about a bald headed mutant in a wheelchair and think about how much cooler he is.

Molly mentions that there’s another Xavier in the school, and then when Bethany mentions his blue eyes, Molly basically says he’s off limits since he had a girlfriend who died in a fire two years ago and he’s still in mourning for her. And all kinds of girls have been throwing themselves at him. So Bethany’s so special and deep and interesting that she’s going to get him while the other girls are shallow harpies.

\~/

That…that’s… …stupid and melodramatic. Basically, this is to make Xavier sound like he’s going to be hard to get when he’s already been drooling over Bethany since he saw her. It also, to Adornetto’s mind, adds the Gothic. Since the guy’s morning for his “last wife” like in a Gothic romance, it makes him forbidden and broody and dark. There’s a problem. Xavier was sixteen. I’m not going to say that he might not have been miserable and that he would have talked about her and…well maybe even licked his wounds a little bit, but eventually, he would have moved on in life. If only to talk to his girlfriends about the girl who died.

This was not his wife. This was a girl who he cared about deeply, but if he was going to distance himself from everyone, the school would have made him see someone.

Also it’s mentioned that he “shut off emotionally”. I don’t see that. This is the same as those girls in fanfics who are abused by their parents to make them pitiful, but seem to be normal, well adjusted teenagers otherwise. Stop trying to get my pity, Adornetto. It ain’t happening.

Now, Adornetto does back herself out of her hole, and say that “oh, he got better” but that also takes out more work. She doesn’t have to drag him out of his shell. She doesn’t have to heal him from emotional damage.

Bethany does nothing. And they talk some more about how “guarded” Xavier was. That was the first I’d heard of it.

So finally Bethany remembers that there was a class. Whines a little about how immodest the gym uniform is, and mentions that she doesn’t have a navel.

This is actually smart, if angels only have one form. But the moment of thought disappears as Molly’s suddenly applying make up for gym. I assume that this is to tell us how shallow and worldly Molly is compared to Bethany, but it sounds kind of stupid to me. I mean, if you’re in gym, you’re going to sweat, and your make-up is going to run, and you’re going to look dumb.

Then Molly tries to apply some make-up to Bethany, and Bethany mentions that she doesn’t wear make-up much.

It’s not that odd, Adornetto. a lot of girls don’t really think about it very much.

And we get a comment about how Bethany smells like rain, which is way too much information as far as I’m concerned. Also…

What does this have to do with the plot?

This is pathetic. It’s one thing to be slow, it’s another thing to have nothing happen for three chapters. Let me sum up things so far:

Chapter 1: Bethany meets Xavier.
Chapter 2: Bethany whines about going to school.
Chapter 3: Bethany sees Xavier again.

Aside from introducing some minor characters, nothing has happened other than that. Now, Adornetto could say that ‘oh, this is a love story, so that’s all that supposed to happen’. My answer here is a resounding no. No, something should have happened by this point that was interesting and relevant. No, falling in love does not constitute a plot. No, Bethany being completely incompetent and stupid doesn’t make me like her. No, this does not remind me of a real place. No, you’re romance is not more interesting than epic battles between powers and principalities duking it out for people’s souls.

\~/ \~/

So, back to the ‘story’, they go out to gym, and Bethany finds out that the teacher is (teh horror) blonde and runs up demanding that Bethany and Molly stop and give her twenty. Also, a sudden friend of Molly’s is introduced, and her name is Taylah, who constantly says ‘duh’ and doesn’t seem to have much in her head other than helium. If she is black, I’m going to go kill something.

\~/

giggle

“Don’t you just hate gym teachers,” Molly said, rolling her eyes. “They’re so… up all the time.”

\~/

It makes about as much sense in context.

Gym behaves much as gym should, and we have the interesting bit of information that angels never get tired, and Bethany pities the poor useless humans who have to get hot and sweaty while she doesn’t even break a sweat. \~/ Pride again.

Did you guys know that in the history of the Catholic Church, pride was considered to be the greatest of all the Seven? It was because it was the only one that could lead to all the other ones. Greed couldn’t necessary lead to Sloth, but Pride sure could. Also, the sin of the devil was supposed to be pride as well. Since he thought that he could take over Heaven. Bethany’s doing such a good job of getting me to take her seriously as a sinless being.

our energy was limitless and so didn’t need to be conserved.

Then why do you sleep? Human’s sleep as a way to restore our energy. If Bethany had limitless energy, she wouldn’t have to sleep. Ever. In fact, sleep would have been seen as being totally lazy, since that’s a good eight to ten hours that you’re sitting around doing nothing. There are so many things that a person could do during that time!

You could be fighting demons! You could be flying around the world! You could be reading up on how human beings actually talk.

But anyways, Molly once again shows herself as somewhat smarter than your average post, and mentions it.

“You’re not even puffing,” she said accusingly. “You must be really fit.”

“Or use a really good deodorant,” added Taylah, tipping the contents of her water bottle down her cleavage.

\~/ \~/

I’m not even going to discuss the racist undercurrent of this.

Because clearly all girls other than Bethany are moronic little sleazes that think only about boys, while Bethany is…a moronic little twit who thinks only about a particular boy. And that makes her so much better.

\~/

Once the…important scene in the gym is over, Bethany basically says that nothing else happened, and then she catches another glimpse of Xavier and another agonizing two paragraphs about his eyes and how she felt to stare into them, and how much she wanted to be with him, and my stomach is sick just writing this.

Then, the plot makes a valiant attempt to resurface from the sea of fluff.

I shook myself mentally. This wasn’t why I had been sent to earth.

I think that Earth should be capitalized in this sense.

And, if you’re wondering, yes, Bethany’s voice really does sound that bland and uninteresting all the time.

She doesn’t ever seem to really react to anything emotionally. When she hears about the deaths, she just kind of goes “that’s sad” and continues ogling Xavier. She doesn’t react with “well, death isn’t that big of a deal”, she doesn’t wonder if she could have been prepared faster, she doesn’t seem to really feel anything. Other than an unhealthy obsession with a guy that she’s exchanged about ten sentences with at this point.

It’s like reading a narrative written by a chair. Only without the interesting perspective.

Bethany promises herself that she’s going to ignore Xavier and do…whatever she was there for… Preach to a bunch of jaded, bored high schoolers about how immortal their behavior is, and expect it to do something. And promises that she “won’t let him have any effect” on her.

Needless to say, I was to fail spectacularly.

\~/

And that’s the end of the chapter. Once again, nothing really happened, but there was a lot of nothing to wade through. Also, that was one of the poorest attempts at a hook that I’ve ever seen. Obviously, Bethany fails. If she didn’t fail, this book might have been interesting!

sigh I need to get another bottle.

Until next time.

Drink Count: 29

Comment [35]

Introduction

When I was a wee Pryotra of about eleven or twelve, I stumbled across the show Scariest Places on Earth. This was the first time I was aware of ghost stories that were actually supposed to be true. I managed to scare myself into being unable to sleep, and after that, I merrily started to research these ghost stories. While my motives were partly masochistic since I…kind of enjoyed not being able to sleep…I also thought it would be awesome to be able to write a ghost story that used elements from true stories, and learned to fully appreciate the subtle terror that ghosts inspire.

As such, this book really, really annoyed me.

Anna Dressed in Blood is a bit different from the other books that I’ve reviewed since it’s narrated by a guy. However, this doesn’t change things all that much since instead of being about the girl who meets the most special guy ever, it’s about the guy who meets the most special girl ever. It is attempting to be horror, but it suffers from over the top back stories as well as the same lack of research, romantic plot tumors, and the general hatred of humanity that I’ve come to expect. The major difference is that the author seems to have decided that random blood and guts equal horror.

Kendare Blake, our author, does not seem like one of the personalities that I’ve discussed before. There’s very little on her, which is a good thing. At the same time, she’s been published before yet she makes some very amateur mistakes in this story, which makes me very unhappy. Particularly as it’s apparently won awards. Though with the competition, I’m not all that surprised.

Oh, and sense SMeyer is apparently planning on making this into a movie, I feel no guilt about not pulling my punches.

So, let’s begin.

Cover Impressions

This is actually a pretty striking cover. The black and white adds a kind of drama to the whole thing, and there is atmosphere. Despite the fact that it’s just another girl in a prom dress, it’s an old fashioned prom dress stained red, presumably with blood as, she looks at an abandoned looking house.

This actually does a pretty good job of catching attention, there’s a loneliness and subtle creepiness to the whole thing, and it makes the reader wonder what’s going on and what happened. Even better, she’s not looking at the viewer, which adds to the drama of the scene.

In essence, it looks like it’s trying to be horror. The problem is that it looks like a different kind of horror story than it is. The creepy, insidious horror as opposed to the slasher.

Plot

As taken from Amazon:

Cas Lowood has inherited an unusual vocation: He kills the dead.

So did his father before him, until he was gruesomely murdered by a ghost he sought to kill. Now, armed with his father’s mysterious and deadly athame, Cas travels the country with his kitchen-witch mother and their spirit-sniffing cat. They follow legends and local lore, destroy the murderous dead, and keep pesky things like the future and friends at bay.

Searching for a ghost the locals call Anna Dressed in Blood, Cas expects the usual: track, hunt, kill. What he finds instead is a girl entangled in curses and rage, a ghost like he’s never faced before. She still wears the dress she wore on the day of her brutal murder in 1958: once white, now stained red and dripping with blood. Since her death, Anna has killed any and every person who has dared to step into the deserted Victorian she used to call home.

Yet she spares Cas’s life.

My version:

We begin with our protagonist, Cas, talking about a hitchhiking ghost that likes to kill people. Huh. Usually the versions I hear are pretty much the same. They hitch a ride and disappear. So…where are the stories coming from?

So we go on; Cas has apparently gotten a car from an old man who likes him for some reason because he was doing yard work, and when the ghost appears Cas takes out a magic knife while the ghost seems to realize what’s happening and that it didn’t want to kill people (which makes me wonder if it was under something’s control), begs for its nonexistent life, the knife kind of…sucks the ghost up.

Which is really creepy.

Then Cas goes home and has an argument with his mother. It appears that his mother doesn’t approve of his little hobby since it got his father killed. Cas doesn’t care. He’s a man, and he’s going to do whatever he wants, and his mother can stay in the kitchen and make Blessed Be candles. (I kid you not.) Cas announces that he wants to move again, and his mother meekly complies.

You know, while this is an interesting inversion of the usual abusive parents deal, it doesn’t make me like Cas very much.

It appears that Cas once met a goth¹ from New Orleans who figured out what he was doing, and started to give him tips, mostly in the form of urban legends. This is an interesting, idea, but Cas’s deep seated hatred of humanity and insistence that he is so much better then everyone really turns me off.

“If people knew what I was up to, they’d probably try to stop me. The idiots would take Casper’s side, and then I’d have to kill Casper and them after Casper bit their throats out.

Ain’t he cute?

The goth friend seems to have found something interesting, about a house where a girl was killed on her way to a party, and everyone who goes into the house dies. According to the legend, she’s wearing what remains of the white party dress that she had on, which is completely stained red with her own blood. Hence the name Anna Dressed in Blood.

Cas thinks it’s stupid, and Goth is stupid for believing it. Still, because the plot demands it, he moves over to see it. We have a decent description of the area, and it turns out that Blake actually went to Ontario to be able to write this with some knowledge of what it was like, and we have a kind of interesting scene when Cas’s mother allows her cat, which hates Cas, to sniff around. Apparently the cat can sense the supernatural. Cas has some angst about how his dad died when he was seven, and how much he wants revenge on the thing that killed him and left bite marks all over his body.

He also has a rather creepy moment where he looks out the window, and his prose turns purple as he thinks about Anna and how she’s going to try to kill him. This guy…has some…problems…

Observe:

“I think of her again. Anna. Anna Dressed in Blood. I wonder what tricks she’ll try. I wonder if she’ll be clever. Will she float? Will she laugh or scream?

How will she try to kill me?”

So far, the story isn’t too bad. If it weren’t for the main character, I’d have been enjoying myself. Oh, and the fact that the text is written in dark brown ink which is really annoying.

The problems start when Cas goes to school.

Blake, deciding that every single reader wishes that they were the most popular kid in high school or thinks that they are the most popular kid in high school, promptly has every single girl drooling over Cas. Including Carmel, the most popular girl in school, who he approaches because, as she is the most popular girl in the girl, and as such completely self obsessed (his thoughts, not mine) she must have a healthy knowledge and interest in local history.

Yep, you just read that right.

Carmel is…actually fairly nice, but Cas manipulates her shamelessly and uses the fact that she and her boyfriend are having a difficult time to his advantage and gets invited to some party. Where he thinks someone will tell him about Anna Dressed in Blood. The boyfriend, named Mike, shows up and acts like a stereotypical jock, and Cam basically smirks at him and says that there’s nothing Mike can do to him. As Cas has the knife on him, I’d take that seriously.

When he gets out of school, he gets followed by…an unpopular person. Said unpopular person manages to get him in a graveyard (where Cas likes to hang out) tells him that the old woman ghost that he was thinking of killing doesn’t actually attack people, and gets laughed at for being stupid by Cas. Unpopular guy introduces himself as Thomas. He can read minds, and he knows a little about the history of Anna Dressed in Blood since he was the guy who talked to Goth to get Cas sent to investigate it.

Cas whines about how much of a pain it is to talk to the stupid humans, thinks in purple prose about Anna again, and allows Thomas to take him to a sushi place.

Here we have some rather racist sneering at the fact that the Japanese eat raw fish. and Cas sneers at Thomas for having grown to like sushi. Because he must be a total freak to like someone Cas doesn’t. Thomas tells Cas that there have been several disappearances around the house, most being homeless people and a few teenagers, yet the police just don’t seem to investigate it that hard.

This is potentially interesting. It could be that there is something about Anna that is making people stop caring or just numbs them to the fact that someone disappeared, even if it was their own kid, but it’s treated as if it’s just because the police and everyone else is stupid and useless. Thomas says that he wants to help, and Cas isn’t having any of it. People are stupid and useless and just get in his way. They all think that what he does is cool when it’s really Serious Business, and he basically mocks Thomas and goes home to prepare to emotionally manipulate a girl.

Why he didn’t just ask Thomas about the history behind Anna is rather beyond me. Maybe he just gets a thrill out of getting some girl to like him, laughing at her ex (who’s more of her on again off again boyfriend) and then dump her when she starts to like him.

So, we have a pause where Cas’s mother turns up again, seems happy that he’s dating a girl and going to parties like a normal person, but Cas mocks her and says how he’s not even interested in living girls. He’s only thinking about the dead chick.

At the party, Cas is bored, and listens to Carmel introducing him to people with only slightly disguised contempt, and then meets Mike again. Mike is a big, mean jock, but says that if Cas wants, he’ll tell him the story of Anna Dressed in Blood. Cas bites, even though he states that he knows that Mike and his two cronies are trying to scare him off. I’m supposed to be sympathizing with him I know, but I honestly hope that the Jerk Jock gets some of his own.

The Jocks get him to go into a secluded area where I’m certain nothing bad will happen, and Carmel goes with them. They repeat the story about Anna Dressed Blood, but mention how a little after she died and her mother sold the house that she used to live in the words “Anna’s House” appeared written in read, and some bum disappeared. Most of the details are treated as if they are completely new, even when we’ve already heard many of them.

Mike then, behaving like a typical high school jock, tells Cas that if he doesn’t with into Anna’s house, then he’s not a real man. Cas treats this rather melodramatically for a guy who’s supposed to be confident in his own ability to kill ghosts, and Carmel basically calls Mike out on being an immature little brat, since people really have disappeared around that house, and Cas doesn’t have to do anything.

Cas basically thinks she’s stupid, but acts very self sacrificing and goes to the house with Mike and co.

At the house, Cas, for the sake of plot convenience, suddenly gets cold feet. And Mike knocks him out.

Yup.

Out of the clear blue sky, Mike knocks him out.

I’d be more annoyed if I wasn’t just confused as to where that just came from.

So, anyways, Mike is apparently the stupidest bully ever, since he drags Cas into the house with his friends and sits there waiting for him to wake up. In the house. The house that according to legend if you go into you will die. These guys are smart. Once Cas wakes up, he’s pretty annoyed, but his threats are interrupted when Anna Dressed in Blood comes floating into the room. And the entire prose turns purple as Cas starts thinking…rather odd things like

the goddess of death

about a chick who’s going to kill him. She’s described as having eyes that are completely black with no whites whatsoever. Kind of like the demons in Supernatural.

Sexy.

Anna takes a hold of Mike while the other two guys run off and literally rips him in half. This is lovingly described by Cas with utter uncaring. He’s too busy checking out the dead chick. Anna then turns to him, Cas takes out his knife, Anna basically tosses him around like a rag doll…and doesn’t kill him. Instead she just tells him to go away and floats back up the stairs.

Cas runs away, and finds that everyone else saw her and are deeply upset. Not so much by the death of Mike, well at least Carmel his girlfriend isn’t. She’s more upset that Cas was almost killed. The other two guys are very unhappy that Mike is dead, and blame Cas. This is treated as horrible, but really, it does make sense. After all, you just watched your best friend get torn in two while the guy he was bullying watches in rapture.

They all decide to go home. And suddenly the cat that hated Cas loves him, and no one really wonders about this, even though Cas, the definition of all that is true and right in this world, states that Siamese cats only like one person, who happened to be his mom. This is FORESHADOWING.

No one seems to notice or care in the entire city, apparently including Mike’s parents, that he just disappeared the next day. If Mike was accustomed to just vanishing every so often, this would be understandably, but Blake doesn’t seem to have thought this out very far.

Thomas turns up again. He’s a little miffed that Cas ditched him, but basically jumps on the bandwagon to help Cas, even though Cas makes some more sneers at Thomas and everything Thomas likes. Thomas says that they need to go see his grandma, who apparently does some Wicca type things, and because of this Thomas’s grandpa is apparently “in tune” with Anna and notices that she’s behaving different from the other ghosts.

Cas comes up with the idea to exorcise her. Which apparently NO ONE has ever attempted to do or even thought of in all the sixty or so years of this house eating people. Cas continues gushing over how hot Anna looked when she was tearing apart Mike and decides to go see her after everyone’s done talking. He mentions something about hurt pride and how awesome he is, but it’s clear that he just is attracted to her.

He goes over to Anna’s house, meets Mike’s ghost, who seems a little confused, and seems to be being eaten by the house itself. Cas doesn’t really care. He’s there for Anna and Mike can just rot.

Then

She’s standing above me the goddess of death, black lips and cold hands.

Anna tells him to scram while she doesn’t feel the need to kill him. Cas tells her he wants to kill her. Anna tells him to seriously scram because she’s getting annoyed, and doesn’t want to be killed. Cas pouts for a while, thinks in purple prose about how hot she is and finally leaves.

Cas is completely turned on and thinks about how she said she didn’t want to kill anyone and knows that she must be tragic. So the next day he, Carmel and Thomas go to the library and look for information. You know, something that he should have known to do before going to that stupid party. If the records of her death are in the papers, why did we even have that scene? Unless it was because Blake just felt like killing a jock in the most gory way she could think. So we could like her main characters all the more.

While they’re looking at the papers, and Cas finds a school picture of Anna.

I can feel that photo of Anna staring at me from sixty years ago, and I can’t help myself from wanting to protect her, wanting to save her from becoming what she already is.

The police suddenly turn up, ask some halfhearted questions about Mike, and leave. Carmel mentions that no one really seems to care that he’s gone. This could have been interesting, but it’s never explored, and Blake seems to leave it at this idea that all people are stupid and shallow. Cas, as usual, is too busy thinking about how awesome Anna is to think about Mike.

So, they blunder around for a little more, and then get all the stuff of their exorcism. Which is some bottled water and tree branches. Because holy water and other things are just pretentious or something. Blake, you do realize that holy water is pretty easy to get right? You just walk into a church with a bottle, go over to the baptismal fount and take some.

They have their little ritual at the house, which involves a circle of candles, river water being tossed around like holy water. Anna appears, but the circle holds and everyone holds hands and…sings kumbaya I guess. Blake didn’t even bother to make this ritual sound interesting. Then we get what is likely the most over the top, ridiculous angsty past that I’ve ever read in fiction.

Including the fanfics where the girl gets raped by nearly everyone.

Apparently, Anna lived in a boarding house that was run by her mother, who was a Dastardly Papist² and her stepfather. Stepdaddy, like every good cliche stepfather, wanted to rape his stepdaughter, and Mommy didn’t notice, and he also beat her all the time. On the night of some dance, Anna comes down in a white dress that the Liberated Spanish Boarder gave her. Mommy throws a fit and waves her rosary around for a while and throws out the LSB, while calling her a slut for having fun. Anna doesn’t care and says she’ll do what she wants and she’s going to leave.

Mommy and Stepdaddy suddenly go nuts. Stepdaddy starts beating her while Mommy watches with glee, and then Mommy comes up to Anna, slits her throat and, using her rosary, which apparently has the ability to summon demons because it’s…an item with a crucifix on it used in the devotion to the Mother of God, invokes a demon to keep Anna in the house.

…

What.

And you expect me to take this seriously, Blake? This is so over the top, it’s almost funny.

So, Mommy tells Stepdaddy to get rid of the body, and everyone’s sad.

Other than Mike’s goons, who still think that she’s wrong for killing Mike. The horror.

After this, the candles all blow out, and Anna’s dress turns white. Then she smiles at Cas and leaves.

We are now halfway through the book.

I’m pretty sure that this was actually supposed to be the end of it, but then Blake realized that it was too short, so she decided to add what probably was supposed to be the sequel to it for the next half. I mean, up until now, all we’ve been talking about is Anna, and this pretty much covers everything that was discussed in the covers. From this point on, we go into the realm of the bizarre.

The next day, everyone, other than Mike’s goons, is happy about what happened. They congratulate themselves, and even Thomas’s grandpa is happy. Even though he really wanted Cas to kill Anna. Then they hear that there’s a body that’s been found that’s been brutally murdered. Mike’s goons automatically think think that it’s Anna, and Mike jumps to her defense. After all, she’s special. She wouldn’t kill someone if she didn’t want to.

Not like every other ghost in this universe.

Then Cas hears about a murder from the police, who are still doing a kind of search for Mike even though it’s pretty clear that no one, including his parents, really cares about it after a couple days. I think this is supposed to be something to do with how much power the house has or something, but the fact that the main characters, including this guy’s ex, still don’t care about getting Mike’s body to his parents or something when it’s rotting in the living room of the house, and it’s now safe just makes me see everyone in this town as being sociopathic

The goons think it’s Anna. Which is understandable, but it’s treated as completely stupid and horrible. Of course Anna would never do such a thing. It’s not like she’s done it before, and there’s nothing but an over the top back story that could have been a lie on her side. So, after an argument, one of the goons takes Cas’s Super Special Awesome knife and runs off with it.

Cas is sad.

He goes and talks to Anna, ignores Mike’s ghost again (yeah, I’m still annoyed about this, why do you ask?) and asks if Anna made a mistake. Anna is offended. How could he think that she would do such a thing! Cas then goes home and feels better. Because he completely believes Anna, and thinks about her in purple prose for a while.

He then hears from one of his father’s friends who decides to pop over to his new house and provide exposition, that the body has the same marks on it as Cas’s dad. Cas is very happy since he’s going to be able to kill it. Then he remembers that his knife is gone, so he goes and flirts with Anna for a while and talks about how he’s going to get the knife back.

After a few confrontations over a few days and a few pointless hints of romance between Carmel and Thomas that are vaguely interesting but not really, Cas decides that he’s going to break into one of the goons’ houses and see if he can find his knife. I wonder why he didn’t get Anna to do it. So, anyways, he sneaks in, and finds the goons dead, with the room splattered with blood and promptly leaves.

He finds the knife in his room when he gets home, and for the first time is worried.

I think we just got a second plot, people.

The next day, the cat isn’t there, and Cas goes off to talk to Thomas and Grandpa. Grandpa says that the knife is connected to an evil voodoo spirit called the Obeahman³ who also killed Cas’s dad. For the first time, Cas realizes that his mother is in the house with the thing and has a shred of human emotion. I’m very proud of him. He makes a stop at Anna’s, has some purplish dialog with her and then they go back to his house, but Anna can’t come in, so Cas goes in alone and confronts the Obeahman. Obeahman wants Cas to go back to killing ghosts, because once the knife kills them, he eats their souls.

Which really makes what Cas did questionable. I mean, even if these things were a danger to people, from Blake’s own writing, they’re not fully aware of what’s going on, and often when they’re disappearing, they are aware of what’s happening. Pleasant.

So, to make sure that everyone knows that Obeahman is bad, in case you didn’t get it with the whole eating souls thing, Obeahman says that he’s also eaten the cat that disappeared about three fourths of the way through the novel and Cas didn’t really notice. Apparently it had been trying to warn him, but he had been to busy with his crush. Then the Obeahman spits out the cat’s tail.

Because we needed to see that.

Anna attacks the house, and Cas and his mother run away. Cas is upset because he can’t use his knife, but his friends tell him how wonderful he is for a while, and then he and Anna come up with a plot to get rid of him that somehow involves opening a portal to Hell⁴ to suck him in. And then Cas can use his knife again. So, they attack the Obeahman again, Cas has a purple conversation with Anna, they express their love for one another and then Anna goes through the portal to Hell with the Obeahman.

The book ends with Cas talking down about his new friends and then saying how much he likes them. He thinks in purple prose about Anna for a while and swears to find her and save her.

And so ends this messed up novel.

Characters

Cas is really the person who ruins this book. He is an arrogant little twit who seems to think that because he got a knife from his father, he is somehow better than absolutely everyone else. Honestly, his behavior, particularly in the beginning stages of the book ranges on just flat disturbing. Blake seems somewhat aware of this, but she never sees it at a real problem. She seems to think that it makes him charming to have little to no empathy for anyone or anything and an unhealthy obsession with a dead girl for no real reason.

Anna is…actually a pretty bland character when you look at her alone. Her dialog is…strangely formal and she doesn’t really contribute anything to the story other than being something of a MacGuffin girl, since she’s the person who the plot revolves around, yet as a character she’s pretty poorly developed. She doesn’t seem to really have any personality, other than being somehow especially strong for a ghost because apparently no one else was ever…sacrificed to a demon or something…in the history of the world. She pretty much exists to be the object of the plot and Cas’s perverse sexual lust.

Thomas is actually a possibly interesting character. He has definite likes and interests outside of Cas, and is the only one who acknowledges that ghosts are not monsters. He’s talked down about and two throughout the book, but, really, he was better than Cas. Even his power of mind reading, which didn’t do much other than make Cas uncomfortable, was better than Cas’s Knife of Awesome. It’s unstable, and comes and goes, meaning he has a reason for not being able to know what everyone is doing or going nuts. I kind of wish the story had been about him.

Carmel is another interesting character and testament that Blake can actually write. She’s set up as pretty shallow, but she and Thomas have a very subtle romance through the story, and she is the only one of the ‘heroes’ who shows any kind of feeling about Mike’s death, though not that much. While she’s pretty one dimensional and disappears and loses importance as Anna turns up, she retains something that Anna never has: one dimension.

The Obeahman turns up at the end as an attempt to give this story a villain that isn’t Anna. He’s evil. That is the extent of his character.

Themes

Humanity is stupid and useless and only the few special people are worth listening too.

Rosaries can summon demons! For realsies!

It’s perfectly ok to manipulate people for your benefit, and if someone ends up dead, well that’s not your problem. They shouldn’t have stood in your way.

I’m assuming it’s really another one of those love conquers all things, but with a story this messed up, it’s really hard to tell.

Angsty Backstories

You know the problem with Anna’s backstory? It comes out of absolutely nowhere and doesn’t have a point. It sounds like, in the words of Shakespeare, “a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.“It just seems so over the top, so melodramatic, and such a bid to get my pity for Anna, that when I read it, I found myself wanting to laugh at the sheer amount of tropes that were being invoked, and it pretty much shattered my suspension of disbelief.

Anna isn’t hurt by the betrayal of her mother. She isn’t nervous about being in a relationship because of the molestation of her stepdad. She shows no real trauma from these events in the slightest. This is just there so that we feel sorry for her and forget about the fact that she kills people while giving it a kind of solution so that we can root for the romance between her and Cas. This is a Big Lipped Alligator Moment. It comes out of nowhere and is never mentioned again. Even the demon that was supposedly invoked doesn’t turn up.

An angsty backstory can really help when necessary. For instance: Fruits Basket. There is not a single character in that manga that hasn’t had a truly horrible past. Abandonment, failure, abuse, neglect, bullying, ostracizing, and just general crap is the staple, and it shows. The characters act within reason for how a person who had these things happen would. One girl stops talking completely, while another is angry and bitter. There pasts really affect them, and you don’t just feel sorry for them, you really want them to get a happy ending and have everything somehow turn out better for them in the end. Even better, they work through their traumas.

Anna isn’t like that. I’m sure that there are people who have had pasts like what’s mentioned, and honestly, I think that this little turd is an insult to those people. She just goes ‘oh, I was murdered by my mom and molested by my stepdad. I will flirt in monotone,’

Character Death

Character death is a really good device. Particularly when you’ve built up a character. It often can change the direction of a character, and therefore move the plot, and when played right, can examine some interesting aspects of the characters, such as how they deal with grief.

Unless it a) comes out of the blue or b) is not treated right by the characters. Blake is guilty of both. Mike is set up as an antagonist, and it’s clear that whoever enters the house dies. Now, some readers might say that Mike was planning to kill Cas. I disagree. It’s more likely that he, like most normal people, wouldn’t have believed the story, and was playing a prank to scare the snotty new kid and teach him his place. Obnoxious. Immature. Potentially dangerous given that there might be some psycho that’s taken up residence in there. But it is not worthy of the utter lack of interest that his death is met with.

I’m not saying that everyone should have been sad. I’m saying that Cas or at least Carmel, should have at least been quiet and pensive about it, and when there was no danger, at least tried to get his body back to his parents like normal human beings.

Mike’s death is treated terribly by the characters, other than his friends. Who we’re not supposed to even like. This does not make me like the characters more. This makes me go from dislike to outright loathing.

The cat’s death just comes out of nowhere.

Gore

There is a difference between gore and gorn. Gore is necessary for the story. Gorn is, like porn, gore done for no justifiable reason. I don’t like gorn. I think that when you have people being torn in half described in gruesome detail, it takes from the story when it doesn’t have a point.

Gore can be used to chilling effect in a story (If you don’t believe me, go read the Russian Sleep Experiment) but it is always used to bring home a point. The gore isn’t what is disturbing, the implications behind the gore are. Gorn is not overly scary. Particularly not in a book. Remember, this is not a visual medium. We can’t see the gore. We can only get the idea behind it, if the gore doesn’t show something wrong and it’s just there because you thought it would be cool to rip someone in half for some reason, you might need to reconsider.

Now, credit where is it due, the details of Cas’s father’s death are pretty chilling, but that’s because the fact that huge chunks were torn out of his body is used to accent how wrong and unnatural the death was. It had a reason for being there, and it was well played. Gore is disturbing, but it’s the situation and the unnaturalness of that which really gets us going.

Mythology and Religion

There are three real problems with this book mythologically speaking.

Ghosts are awesome. Why are they awesome? Because of the fear that they generate. You can’t touch them, you can’t do anything to them. Even though they (usually) can’t touch you, they can affect you. They can possess you. And there’s nothing you can do to keep away from them. The subtle horror of ghosts is not something that Blake seems to understand. In her world, they’re little more than monsters to be killed, and it’s honestly a waste of potential. Ghosts can be and are so much more, and this kind of cheapens it.

Ignoring the usual ‘let’s crap on Christianity’ that this book indulges in, Blake seems to have some trouble with the other religions. Her knowledge of Wicca is probably worse then mine. While Wicca is a pretty loose religion, and it doesn’t often have one tenet on much of anything, I’m aware that she’s pretty much making up the exorcism. Why? Because Wiccans don’t use them to my knowledge. They try to communicate with the spirit and convince it to move on, not force it out via ritual. At least that’s what the people who I’ve known and my research tell me.

Finally. Voodoo. This is a very complicated religion. I’m going to assume that we’re discussing New Orleans Voodoo, as opposed to Haitian Voodoo or the more…in practice only hoodoo. This is a mix between a traditional African (I believe Igbo) religion, Roman Catholicism and Southern spiritualism. Obeah is just general folk magic that was later used to mean magical items that are used for pretty much anything and everything from my reading. In reality, Voodoo works under the assumption that God is usually too busy running the universe to deal with where your car keys are, so you have the loa, who are often associated with saints and angels that you talk to. Things get more complicated from there, and all sorts of anything factors are involvined but, it’s not purely the dark, scary religion where everyone is raising zombies that Blake seems to think it is.

Actually, Disney got it better in Princess and the Frog. Consider that for a moment.

Mechanics

Blake can write. She’s not like the Casts who don’t seem to understand how people interact, and her use of first person is one of the least painful that I’ve had to deal with. At least Cas’s personality comes out in this.

The real problem is that it’s inconsistent. For the most part, the point of view and word choice are pretty consistent, modern and don’t stand out too much. Then Anna will turn up and suddenly the prose will turn purple, and I’ll get jarred out of the work. It also gives the impression to me that Cas is some kind of serial ghost killer who’s kind of fallen in love with one of his victims because she kills people to, and then it seems creepy in a way that I’m not sure that Blake intended.

Also, the text is brown. I think that Blake is trying to make me think that it’s written in dried blood or something, but it just feels amateurish.

Final Assessment

This could have been a good book. The real problems are the protagonist and the sudden plot jump in the middle. It almost feels as if the issue with Cas’s father should have turned up some time later, and Anna should have maintained her focus instead of suddenly becoming Cas’s love interest out of nowhere.

Blake had an ambitious idea, but she bit off a little more than what she could chew in this book. It’s disorganized and reaches too far with too little and then has to bring more things in halfway to keep it going.

While this is by no means the worst book that I’ve reviewed, it is flawed at a few basic levels, and I’m not sure if the sequel would be able to make up for them.

Rating 4 out of 10

Next up: Torment

¹ Goths are, of course, all freaks of nature who believe in ghosts and try to drink blood because they happen to like black makeup and certain kinds of entertainment.

² You know the kind. The ones who start screaming about things being a sin as a means of controlling people and wave a rosary around to give them authority? They’re basically Evil Evangelicals only Catholic, and usually have almost no research done on them.

³ Which would literally mean ‘magic man’.

⁴ Don’t you love books that reject Christianity and then use Hell in the Christian sense?

Comment [19]

Hey Ya’ll. Good to see you again. Things were getting a little busy for me with school, so I haven’t been able to properly give you a good looking analysis of one of these. Thankfully, that’s over, and I’ve got time.

So, in the last three chapters we’ve met Bethany, her love interest, and various unimportant characters have been added which will contribute somewhat to the plot but not enough to have actual personalities. Yippy skippy.

So, here we go to see what new drama and excitement will befall our beloved heroine and if I manage to die of liver poisoning. Me and this bottle are getting pretty cozy.

Chapter 4: Earthbound

So…is Bethany just realizing that she isn’t allowed to fly or something?

Bethany gets out of school whines some about how hard it was to be popular and have everyone want to know something about her, waits for Naybriel, describes the palm trees for a while and…

Wait.

Palm trees?

Where is this place?

First we have windmills and farmland and now we have palm trees?

Did Adornetto just decide randomly that all beaches must have palm trees or something? Now, I looked things up, wondering if maybe I was wrong, and Adornetto had decided to set this book in Queensland or something without telling me, but it doesn’t have the right climate either. At first, I assumed that Venus Cove was in some kind of East Coast town or something, since there was farming and such nearby and it didn’t have enough of a beach to be a big city. It happens. And the fact that they’re all smugglers and drug dealers also helps. Then I wondered if it was somewhere in California, but it just didn’t fit. Now, with this sudden revelation of palm trees, I don’t have a clue where this is supposed to be. Don’t hope that Adornetto explains it either. She doesn’t. Ever.

This place, to my knowledge, and to the knowledge of a few friends that I’ve asked, cannot possibly exist.

\~/ \~/

So, moving on, Bethany notes that the other students seem to be happy that school is out, but makes it all about her again by saying how she doesn’t feel any better, and that so much happened off screen that she’s exhausted and how dare Naybriel keep her waiting.

What happened to the limitless energy?

\~/

When Naybriel finally turns up, he’s

closely followed by a small gaggle of admirers, mostly girls.

Thank you for comparing these girls to geese. \~/

In a scene that I can’t imagine happening anywhere outside of a manga, the girls (since the guys that are presumably in this mix don’t seem to want to come forward) all follow him around. You know, I’ve seen people act like this with celebrities, but not with normal people no matter how good looking they are. Particularly when it’s a teacher. For some reason that Bethany doesn’t get, Naybriel doesn’t like the attention. I…don’t dislike Naybriel…

A particularly stupid event occurs where a “shapely brunette” makes a fake fall to get Naybriel’s attention. \~/

She is caught ( \~/ ) only to be set down and ignored. Bethany sees the need to tell us that he’s not being ‘unfriendly’ by not talking to her. I think he’s being a little rude, but at the same time, the girl’s also being extremely obnoxious in trying to get his attention with an obviously fake fall that I can’t imagine anyone trying. Naybriel walks Bethany home and the crowd suddenly seems to vanish, including the fangirls who were:

bristling with jealousy at not having come up with the idea themselves.

\~/

You really hate girls who are attracted to guys, don’t you, Bethany? Despite the fact that if you’d been drooling over Xavier any more, the custodian would have needed to get a mop. \~/

No one in Venus Cove seems to have a car at the moment *which will change when it’s convenient) and everyone seems to need to walk everywhere, but that doesn’t stop the crowd of girls from leaving now that it’s no longer convenient for them to be there and show that Naybriel is hot. ( \~/ )

They talk about how pretty they are and that Bethany has as much of a fanclub as Naybriel, which we don’t see, and Bethany is, despite saying how she wasn’t going to care about Xavier, very nervous about his talking to her.

They get home where Ivy has been sitting around the house doing nothing for most of the day. I suspect that she, like many the fifties housewife, has discovered the joys of soap operas and is going to keep it from the others. Or she’s a spy. That would be interesting too. Seriously though, Ivy didn’t even cook. It’s like Adornetto was playing with dolls and then decided that she wasn’t interested in the mommy one and set it aside, never giving a moment’s thought to what it does.

Naybriel and Bethany talk about the fascinating place they’ve been, where playing an indoor sport is determined by if it rains, and Naybriel is referred to as ‘Gabe’ out of the blue. They are also smug and obnoxious about the teenage population calling them “lost”, which would bother me less if this was written by a well-meaning but not overly understanding older theologian. Then they compare notes about what was going on, and the deaths of the students are brought up. Naybriel and Ivy are very upset about the deaths, and then we have this exchange.

“But how will we find whoever…or whatever is causing this?” I asked.

“There’s no way to find them yet,” said Gabriel. “It’s our job to clean up the mess and wait until they show up again. Trust me; they won’t go down without a fight.”

As a helpful pointer: you might want, to put it in Biblical terms, to ‘alight off your asses’ and actually do something. I’ve noticed that a good part of these unfortunate accidents were occurring while you were sitting around Byron house reading ‘literature’ and being smug. Your answer is just to keep on sitting around reading and wait for something to happen right in front of you.

Worst. Angels. Ever.

The Agents of Darkness are at least doing something, even it’s kind of defeating the point. They’re not sitting around waiting for people to damn themselves, though we’re actually quite good at it. The fact that the ‘good guys’ sit around and do nothing when, apparently, this is the very thing that they were supposed to be stopping makes me really dislike these characters. Particularly since they are angels, and I would expect them to be able to walk around invisible the way they do in the Old Testament, smiting things.

But that’s not…cute…enough for this book.

\~/ \~/

Also, Adornetto still seems to have trouble comprehending that there is such a thing as a fate worse than death. Particularly once religion has been brought into the picture.

When Bethany mentions that she talked to Molly, Ivy and Naybriel get cheesed because, according to them, Bethany shouldn’t be getting close to people her own age. So…why is she pretending to be a high schooler? I mean, it’s easier to convert people if they like you, you know.

Ok, personal story time: at my college, there are people who like to stand in the main courtyard and shout the Bible at people. They usually end up accosting anyone who walks too close and starts asking them challenging questions about evolution/gay rights/anything else that they are hammering at that moment. They aren’t students, and they never bother to actually talk to people, they just shout at them and demand that people agree. Oh, they get into debates and all, but they’re really rude about it. They don’t make converts. Ever. They just drive the stereotype that all religious people are pushy, condescending, and don’t really like anyone.

This is, essentially, what Adornetto seems to think is the proper behavior for ‘good’ people.

\~/

This isn’t how you convert people. This is how you get people to hate you.

When Bethany asks why they have a problem with her getting people to like her, Naybriel complains that the girls will want to ‘bond’, which Bethany hilariously misinterprets as “physically melding together” and has to be corrected.

Get used to that. Adornetto seems to think that it’s humor. I just see it as a reason why Bethany shouldn’t have been reading porn set in the Romantic period and at least attempted to watch a little TV so she could hold a normal conversation.

Then we have this gem:

“Human relationships can be unnaturally intimate-I’ll never understand it.”

As said by Naybriel

Hello, unintentional les yay! You’re looking vastly more interesting than the main paring.

I seem to remember something about Jesus saying that the greatest form of love was the lay down one’s life for ones friends. But since that doesn’t fit into Adornetto’s Twilight Saga inspired view of love, it’s going to be completely ignored. It’s not like it was one of the most important things to your average Christian. Nope.

\~/

Now, to be fair. This could have, like so many things in this book, been an interesting idea. It could have showed a fundamental difference between humans and angels. It could have shown why we’re supposed to eventually, be better than them. This could have been saying that we are closer to God because we are more capable of love and give it freely. Thus showing humans as being kind of dualistic: capable of tremendous evil even without too much outside help, but also capable of extreme kindness.

Whereas angels would be more steady, but not capable of so much.

Moving on, they talk about how much they don’t understand friendship for a while, make themselves sound stupid and then Bethany gets irritating (or at least more irritating than usual).

“You know I’d never do anything to jeopardize the mission. How stupid do you think I am?”

\~/

About that stupid.

Let me remind you that this is the girl who was practically drooling over Xavier’s pretty eyes and ‘floppy’ hair.

You know, I need a nickname for him. Any suggestions?

Bethany is “pleased to see them exchange guilty looks” because she’s an obnoxious little brat, and she says that while she understands that this is important, she wants what she wants, and she’s going to get it. Then Naybriel basically tells her that they have a job to do and she doesn’t always get to have what she wants. Bethany is annoyed because the logic is sound and she can’t stay mad at him (which is a sin, drink up, my lovelies. \~/ ).

Then we get more description of the house and how nice it is to be there, and how the angels are getting junk mail and they need to purchase one of the stickers on the mail boxes around her that say no junk mail. I’ve never heard of these, and I’m going to assume that this is an Australian thing. Bethany decides to do her homework and sneers at her peers for not using a planner ( \~/ ) and then proves that Ivy and Naybriel were very right to not trust her.

I desperately needed to keep my mind occupied, if for no other reason than to stop thinking about my encounters with the school captain.

Yes, I met him when he was fishing and when he was in my class. We’ve had two conversations. It must be FATE! Seriously, this is the most needy, ridiculous twit I’ve ever met. I know that she’s getting addled by the hormones that she shouldn’t have, but she acts more like a stereotype than a person. I know that this is supposed to be twu wuv, but shouldn’t you have…you know…something in common other than the fact that you’re both pretty?

Also, ‘school captain’. What is she even talking about? Captain of what? Sports? Debate club? Seriously, this makes no sense to me.

Anyways she obsesses over Boy X and we have a potentially interesting, but ultimately ignored moment where Bethany wonders what it would be like to lose someone that she loved. This actually makes sense. Being that Bethany has existed without the fear of death, this side of mortality would lead to that question. There is no way that she could ever know the emotional pain that humans went through when someone close to them died. If Adornetto had looked at this and not the love story that this came into by accident, we might have really gotten an interesting piece of work.

But this is forgotten in the face of more uncomfortable imagery about Naybriel and how he likes to cook. Because it lets out his inner artist or something.

I want to know why we’re just talking about this.

I mean, Naybriel’s been bumming around the house all day when he could have been…I don’t know fighting crime or something…and he’s just now started to cook.

What where they doing all this time? I mean, it’s great that we’re giving Naybriel some non-stereotypical hobbies, but why hasn’t this been brought up already?

And what does Ivy do? I’m seriously starting to think that she works for the Agency of Darkness part time or something.

We get some whining about how smooth Naybriel’s movements are and (Ivy’s for that matter) and then we get a lovely new plot hole.

They * were used to be *(this should have an ‘ing’ at the end or something able to sense one another in the Kingdom, a skill that had followed them on our mission. They found me much trickier to read and it worried them.

\~/ \~/

I sure hope you guys aren’t doing this game with alcohol.

First: why? Why are you so special that no one can read you? Trust me, Bethany, you’re about as deep as a puddle. Maybe it’s because there’s nothing really going on inside her head, so the fact that she is living proof that it is possible to live without a brain worries them.

Ivy walks in, and Bethany notes that she’s lost some of her dreaminess. However, we do not get so see this, since Ivy just starts scribbling something in a notebook. Maybe she’s found a Death Note or something and has decided to take matters into her own hands and start killing criminals.

Of course, we don’t get to know what she’s doing. She’s writing down ‘ideas’. That’s it.

Then, because Bethany wants to remind us that she’s a Teenager Just Like You, she starts to wanst about the fact that Naybriel isn’t telling her anything.

Didn’t he realize how much in the dark I felt?

\~/

I really, really don’t like that sentence. It’s technically right, and it conveys the idea, but it just feels awkward. The ‘much’ is unnecessary, and it only adds verbiage to the sentence.

While this would be fine in a first draft, it probably should have been changed and worked with.

Honestly, I’d feel a whole lot more sympathy for the ‘unfairness of her being left out’ when she’s supposed to be on the mission if she hadn’t already proven herself thoughtless, manipulative and just generally poor material for the mission. As it is, the only thing I can do is pat Naybriel on the back for being somewhat sane in this train wreck. \~/

giggle

Why are you all spinning?

While Ivy is preparing to be the goddess of the new world, and Bethany is reveling in the loneliness of being alone, Naybriel is cooking. And this is very important. Because…reasons. Bethany whines some more about how she doesn’t get to do anything, and finally Naybriel tells her to

experience being a teenager.

Even though technically speaking, he was against her making friends which, from a cliché point of view, is a pretty big part of being a teenager. Then again, there are a lot of things that are part of the experience of being a teenager that I personally wouldn’t recommend to anyone.

We get a segment about Naybriel cooking mushrooms. And Bethany lies about how good they look. (I’m adding to the first rule of the drinking game: Either commits one of the Seven Deadly Sins or breaks one of the Ten Commandments. Drink up, lovelies.) \~/

While chopping the mushrooms, Naybriel chops his finger and starts bleeding. Bethany starts freaking out because it’s blood and shows how vulnerable their bodies are.

I get what she’s trying to do, to show that the angels have actual human bodies with all of their weaknesses and such, but it doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense as far as logic goes. Why do they glow if their human? Why are they so blasted pretty? Also, logically speaking, if they’re supposed to be fighting demons, why would Powers of Light and Goodness be stupid enough to give them weak little bodies? Next…even if they have weak little bodies, does it really matter? Wouldn’t they just go back to being body-less hosts again? Grant it, it might hurt, but it would only really slow them down, and why can’t they just appear to be human like every other time where there was an angelic apparition and the angel wasn’t overly interested in broadcasting it to the world.

AND WHY ARE THEY SO BLASTED PRETTY AND GLOWY AND WHITE

\~/

hic

Then Bethany whines about celery and manages to put down people for trying to live well.

I’m not making that up.
(Note from the editor: I can’t entirely fault someone for not liking celery, mainly because it makes me stomach-sick when I eat it, but I don’t WHINE about it…

And Naybriel, plz…I am worried about what you are doing adding celery to those poor mushrooms…

Ivy could at least be watching Food Network and catching you up on interesting recipes…)

Why anyone would eat it voluntarily was beyond me, apart from its nutritional value. Good nutrition meant a healthier body and a longer life. Humans were inordinately afraid of death,

That scream of rage that you just heard? Probably me.

but I supposed that we couldn’t expect anything else from them given their lack of knowledge about what came beyond.

Fnquo Fmfr
Foa Mu kj nuo kjaerhb fv

THEN WHY ARE THE STUPID FORCES OF DARKNESS WORRYING ABOUT KILLING PEOPLE, YOU ARROGANT LITTLE TWIT?

Inuq3rwf
Nfe0qwnffv a Ofqiwc

Bethany Church, my hatred for you festers like a three day old zombie that has been walking through a swamp that happens to be over a dormant volcano which is now starting to show signs of being active. It seeths like the underbelly of that same zombie once it has fallen face down into the boiling muck.

Go. Die.

\~/ \~/ \~/ \~/

headdesk

So after Bethany’s…charming attitude about people’s fear of death, (which doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense given the nature of the last chapter and how Dark Forces’ plans were revealed) she eats the blasted mushrooms and starts talking about how wonderful taste is since she’s never experienced it.

You’re not making me look forwards to dying, Adornetto.

They have some pointless drivel about how modest Naybriel is and how popular it is, and how hip Adornetto thinks that she is for using slang that will likely become dated within the next ten years that I honestly am not overly interested in recapping.

And now we begin what made me rage so much that I couldn’t review this book.

Romeo and Juliet as understood by a teenager with no education in literature.

Alright, before we begin this multichapter fail, I’m going to say something: I love Shakespeare. I think that his plays are great and that his reputation is well earned. He is really able to capture human emotion and often even makes his villains have moments of being sympathetic, which was, for the time, unheard of.

The problem is that Shakespeare, as anyone who has really read him extensively knows, is not an overly ‘romantic’ writer. The love that Adornetto and Meyer idealize is the kind that Shakespeare tends to either mock shamelessly (A Midsummer Night’s Dream) or show as being rather easily turned to hatred (Much Ado About Nothing and Othello). Even his sonnets were likely a mockery of the other, very serious and kind of nausea inducing groups that were being produced at the time, whether genuine or not.

As such Romeo and Juliet is not as much of a love story as it is about a story two stupid teenagers who were being stupid teenagers and their stupid families that were too busy trying to kill one another to notice that their stupid kids were being stupid.

(Editor’s Note: They call it a TRADJEDY for a reason, kids.)

It’s not the ‘ultimate romance’ that people bill it as. Expect a fuller analysis of it later.

Remember this rant in later chapters. I’m going to go back to it.

Bethany is apparently watching a movie version of the play, and Adornetto doesn’t seem aware that there is more than one.

There are)

I didn’t tell them this, but the story fascinated me. The way the lovers fell so deeply and irrevocably in love after their first meeting sparked a burning curiosity in me about how human love must feel.

Like a fool. Kinda sick.~ Special needs. Anyways.~

Ahem.

\~/

Right. So, yeah.

And I hate the phrase “irrevocably in love”. While it sounds like something over dramatic enough for Romeo, that doesn’t mean that it’s good. Besides, you’re directly quoting Twilight

Want proof?

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him – and I didn’t know how potent that part might be-that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. (pq 236)

-Bella Swan, not realizing that even in the eighteen hundreds people would have thought she was strange.

Moving on.

We have some hi-LAR-i-ous dialog about one of the boys having made an inappropriate comment about the actress who played Lady Capulet and Naybriel trying to project Bethany’s virgin ears from the meaning of MILF.

Ivy smiled behind her napkin while Gabriel did something I’d never seen before. He blushed and shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

Come on, Naybriel. Brathany’s going to high school. She’ll hear worse in the hallways.

She’ll hear worse in her lit class once they go into modern lit.

“I believe it stand for ‘mother I’d like to…befriend’” said my sister.

“Is that all?” I exclaimed. “What a fuss over nothing. I really think Miss Castle needs to chill.”

Har dee har har.

\~/

And with that, another pointless chapter done!

Let’s recap what happened:

Bethany and Naybriel went home and ate.

Things are really heating up!

Drink Count: 27

Special thanks goes to my lovely editor, Sarah, for putting up with this asshattery.

Comment [24]

Introduction

For a book as boring as Fallen was, it was amazing how popular it got in so little time. I suppose that since people were on some kind of Twilight deprivation, they will willing to take what they got. And since Kate was giving them a bland heroine and a supposedly dark hero who passionately loved her for no real reason whatsoever, they were willing to go along with it.

Kate, still being either a pragmatist or twihard decided to follow the general pattern of New Moon and have Daniel vanish for a while. After all, it worked so well in the past, didn’t it?

I wasn’t going to pick this book up as soon as I did, but since I got some attention for my general opinion, I decided to review the next one quicker.

After all, there is nothing that gives me more happiness than crushing the fantasies of teenage girls.

Cover Impressions

I have no idea what this is.

Seriously, this is just the girl from the first cover looking like she’s trying to hug herself provocatively and doing a bad job of it. This has no bearing on the plot, and if it wasn’t so bizarre, I’d probably forget about it within a few seconds. It offers nothing, means nothing, and once again, as far as I’m concerned, she’s just another girl in a prom dress trying to look pretty but offering no insight as to what the book is actually about.

Now, I have a theory. The reason for this lack of anything in the covers is simply because, as the books have no plot, there’s nothing to really place there. So they go with a girl in a prom dress because it looks pretty.

The background isn’t too bad looking, with the beach and the water. That’s kind of atmospheric, but once again, it offers nothing of what the plot is about. This beach doesn’t appear in the book, and the atmosphere, dark and stormy, really isn’t right for the setting.

The phrase at the back of the book “How many lives do you need to live to find someone worth dying for” is pointless as far as the plot is concerned and melodramatic. Also, it doesn’t really make any sense. Being that I, who does not have and never has had a ‘special someone’, have parents, siblings, friends, and a niece and nephew, I’m pretty sure that, unless your family life stinks, you only need to live once.

Plot

From Amazon:

Hell on earth.

That’s what it’s like for Luce to be apart from her fallen angel boyfriend, Daniel.
It took them an eternity to find one another, but now he has told her he must go away. Just long enough to hunt down the Outcasts—immortals who want to kill Luce. Daniel hides Luce at Shoreline, a school on the rocky California coast with unusually gifted students: Nephilim, the offspring of fallen angels and humans.

At Shoreline, Luce learns what the Shadows are, and how she can use them as windows to her previous lives. Yet the more Luce learns, the more she suspects that Daniel hasn’t told her everything. He’s hiding something—something dangerous.
What if Daniel’s version of the past isn’t actually true? What if Luce is really meant to be with someone else?

The second novel in the addictive FALLEN series . . . where love never dies.

My version:

I have one word to say to this book: Explain.

We start out with Daniel and Cam in a boat disposing of the body of a fisherman. Seriously. After getting a pointless description of Daniel’s eyes, which I really didn’t care about, and how much he pines for his true love, and how it’s just him, Cam, and the dead guy. We are reminded that as Luce wasn’t baptized, she’s not going to reincarnate for some reason or other that isn’t explained, and Daniel states that the only reason that he’s still hanging around Cam is because he wants to talk to him about Luce.

Don’t get interested. Despite the fact that Cam was the obvious romantic false lead in the last book, Kate has changed her mind, and now he’s not interested in her.

They toss the body into the water like it’s nothing, and Cam and Daniel get showcased for their differences. Cam feels no remorse. Daniel does. Grant it, this is better than many male characters that I’ve seen in this review series. (Patch, Cas, I’m looking at you.)

They have some lovely, mysterious dialog that isn’t very easy to understand but basically amounts to the fact that Cam and Daniel are, for some reason that is supposed an angelic tradition that sounds really stupid, going to have an eighteen day truce. Why eighteen days? According to Kate it’s because

In Heaven, eighteen was the luckiest, most divine number: a life affirming tally of the two sevens: the archangels and the cardinal virtues) balanced with the warning of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse.

What about the five wounds of Christ, the five joys of Mary, the seven days of Creation, and three: the number of the Holy Trinity? I’d go for forty days and forty nights or something like that, since that kind of sticks out in the Bible, but hey, I’m not the Suethor.

The reason is really because she just came up with that number for some odd reason as the amount of time that her little star-crossed lovers should be apart.

Moving on, Cam and Daniel discuss terms, something call the starshot (I wonder if Rainbow Brite is going to come looking for it) is mentioned as a deadly weapon against angels, then the topic goes back to Luce and how Daniel just can’t live without her. Apparently, the truce means that she’s going to go to some school, neither Daniel nor Cam can see her, and she’s going to have to learn a lot.

In eighteen days.

Also, it’s mentioned that they killed the wrong guy, that Daniel’s not telling Luce something, and there’s a group called the Outcasts who seem to want something with Luce, but that pales in comparison to the fact that Daniel and Luce are going to be kept apart for eighteen whole stinking days.

That’s a little more than two weeks, Kate.

Oh, they keep a day count on this thing. It’s nauseating.

The narrative then goes to Luce, who is, as to be expected, thinking about how torturous it’s been to be without Daniel for a good couple days. She’s on a plane, feeling sorry for herself and going to California. We get a infodump about what happened in the last book, some puny human dude flirts with Luce for no reason other than for her to compare him with Daniel and be shot down and Penn’s death gets jammed in so we know that she feels kind of bad about that.

Then she sees Daniel, and all her thoughts go out the window and she runs into his arms and the two start talking in a stilted kind of way about how wonderful the other is, and then Daniel drives Luce off in his SUV that is in no way supposed to remind me of Edward Cullen’s Volvo and they drive off towards the beach. There’s a conversation about one of her incarnations that lived there during the gold rush, and then Daniel drops the bomb that, horror of horrors, he’s not going to see her for a little less than three weeks. Luce throws a fit.

Then he tells her that she’s going to have to go to another school, and Luce whines for a while. Then they agree not to talk about it, and they don’t, unlike every other couple where I’ve seen someone say this. We get some flying around once their at the beach, and Luce and Daniel talk about how wonderful they are and how Daniel Fell for her, and it’s all very disgusting.

Then Daniel leaves.

She whines and gives lines about how she

thought true love would be easy.

Protip: The phrase ‘true love’ will get derisive snorts out of anyone who isn’t a teenage girl. This is how, once the next fad hits the bookstores, you sink into the obscurity of The Magickers.

And if you know what I’m talking about, I’m very, very sorry.

At Shoreline, the name of the school, Luce meets her new roommate, Shelby, who is, at the present, gloriously unimpressed by Luce though she hints that Luce is famous for some reason.

The next day, Luce (I keep typing Lice) comes down to breakfast, meets a guy named Miles who is nice, and obviously going to be the tail end of the new love triangle. She also finds, from a pair of ditzy girls who aren’t really worthy of names, that she and her romance with Daniel are famous for some reason.

So now Luce is Harry Potter. But if she’s a girl…doesn’t that make her…

Rose. Potter.¹

So, it’s explained to Luce that she’s going to go into the Super Special Awesome class for people who are…guess what? Nephilim! We haven’t seen enough of them lately, have we? That means that she’s at the top of the social food chain there, not that she ever socializes with the normal people. There’s some sneering at a guy who’s really smart but isn’t special enough to meet the requirements.

That makes me think that it would be a whole lot easier to avoid some kind of lawsuit or something if you made the class for people who supposedly need remedial training, but that wouldn’t made Luce look special enough.

The class is held in the afternoons after normal classes, and it is taught by a pair of lovers who happen to be an angel and a demon. Joy.

There are introductions, and Shelby is proven to be one of the Nephilim. In class, instead of doing much for the first part, they all talk about the special powers that they have. Miles is revealed to come from a pretty powerful family, but he is supposed to have lame powers that are not specified. Obviously, they will come in handy later. Shelby, can help people glimpse past lives. Luce is interested.

Once again, it’s mentioned that Luce is famous, but everyone seems to be avoiding what she’s famous for. Explain. Kate seems to think that she’s being interesting and elusive, but honestly, I just think that she’s being obnoxious. After introductions we have an actual class where we find that the Announcers from the last book are going to be prominent again. They seem to be able to record a second of time, meaning that there are a lot of them. Now, I’d like you to note the time limit. Kate won’t.

The demon professor decides that he wants to show them what he means by recording time, summons an Announcer, and does something to the thing that causes it to show the exact instant that Sodom (or Gomorrah) blew up. He gives some moralization about how evil this was that I’m not sure is showing just how good of a demon he is or just how clueless that Kate is as to why demons rebelled against God. But at least mention God as existing. Maybe she’s reacting to some of her critics or done a little bit of research. I’m not sure.

The angel professor (who is a girl, so we can keep with gender stereotypes) tells him to stop preaching and the lesson ends. Luce feels all creeped out and such, and then realizes that if the Announcers could see things from the past, then they must have scenes from her past lives. Because everything is about her.

She doesn’t really act on this for a while, but sits around, and feels sorry for herself for having to be away from Daniel and having a roommate who doesn’t think that she’s the most wonderful thing ever. She also suddenly remembers that she has parents who apparently are unaware that she has decided to leave the school they sent her to and sends them a letter than any parent worth their salt would know was hiding something.

After the class, everyone starts talking about how there’s going to be a big party out in the woods, and how Luce should go. It’s apparently being hosted by Roland, a guy from the last book who was said to be Daniel’s best friend even though he’d decided to be a demon, but never actually had any speaking lines. (He has about one here.) This party is supposed to be a big deal and everyone is going. Naturally, Daniel shows up once Luce toddles off away from the crowd. They are boring for a while and do nothing but gush about how wonderful the other one is, but then Luce gets whiny about how she didn’t want to be there, and Daniel says she has to, and they get made and leave. Luce sulks in her room, and Shelby is gloriously unimpressed by her emoness.

The next day, Luce gets a letter that is obviously not from Daniel that wants her to meet him in town, even though he’s told her not to leave the school. Luce, being Luce, toddles off to find him. Only to get attacked by a female Outcast. Who are all albino. Yay! We haven’t had an evil albino since…Clare! Have you noticed that I don’t like this stereotype yet? Before the Outcast can end my misery by shooting Luce with a bow and arrow, presumably a starshot, Cam appears out of nowhere and saves her by killing the chick. Luce get mad at him for attempting to kiss rape sacrifice seduce do something keep her from her One True Love last book, but Cam doesn’t care. He flirts with her a little in an uninterested kind of way and tells her to go back to school since she is suddenly a target. Then he takes her back. He also mentions that Shelby was at some point dating Daniel. So, she’s just jealous. Because no one could really dislike Luce for the whiny, useless, emo that she is.

You can see how effective this ‘keep away from Luce’ thing is.

The next day, completely ignoring the warnings of Cam and Daniel and the attempt on her life, Luce goes with the class in a luxury boat for some reason or other, and then one of the fangirls that she met from earlier who happens to look like her falls into the water. Luce suddenly shows some actual gumption and jumps in after her, feeling something pulling the girl in. She’s rescued by the Demon Instructor, who tells her not to mention the pulling thing to anyone, who is now looking at her as a hero. This isn’t going to be mentioned again, including the fact that the Demon Instructor might be…evil. Who’d have thought?

Class continues, and instead of teaching the students anything useful with their powers,² they decide to teach them how to summon up Announcers. Why? So that Luce can of course!

Later, Luce decides to sneak into the woods around the place, and summon an Announcer. She summons it, and sees a scene in a room where an older woman in a retirement home has pictures of Luce and Daniel in black and white. Luce doesn’t get it, but wants to know about it, so she gets Shelby, who is suddenly Luce’s tentative friend with little development, and Miles to go with her to investigate.

They sneak go off to another city, still completely forgetting about the whole thing about the freaky albinos who are after Luce. They use a car from Shelby’s ex, who is…albino. I wonder if this is going to turn out to be important derp derp?

Once they get to the retirement home that she saw, they manage to find the house and peek through the window to look at it. Then Luce realizes for the first time that this is one of her past lives’ parents, hence the picture of her. She mentions that she always assumed that her parents reincarnated with her, which is really, really stupid since if she dies and is reborn the very instant that she dies, it would be rather hard for her parents to age in time to have her.

They go home. Then, because she doesn’t like people staring at her because she so special, and her fangirl squeeing because they look similar, Luce dyes her hair blonde. This is treated like a seriously big deal. I mean, everyone mentions it. I guess none of Luce’s prior incarnations, even in places where people didn’t usually have black hair, never ever, ever had a different color.

During another party that night, where Luce is wearing a hat for some reason, she meets Daniel. They go off, fly around for a while, have an incredibly boring conversation about how much they love each other, and finally Luce’s hat falls off, showing off her new hair. Daniel pitches a fit. Luce says that it’s her hair and if she wants to dye it, she can. I can’t believe that I agree with the little snot.

Daniel gets really huffy, and eventually leaves, and Luce stomps off to feel sorry for herself. This happens a few other times within the novels, usually with the same results. Personally, I get the feeling that it’s a sign that the attraction is purely physical.

Continuing to break her own continuity, Luce decides to summon another Announcer and this time gets an image of herself and Daniel at a beach and Luce about to spontaneously combust that lasts longer than a second. It’s not badly written, though Daniel’s easy to read emotions make past!Luce look pretty stupid for not noticing that he looks like someone’s about his kill puppy for the fifth time since he’s been in a stable time loop. Luce decides to attempt to reach through the Announcer and save herself. Which, given that she managed to combust surrounded by water, doesn’t sound like it’s going to do much other than wreak havoc on the time space continuum.

She doesn’t go through, but the experience makes Miles decide that he wants to raid the teacher’s longue and find a book on Announcers.

This leads to a very cliché scene, where nothing happens, some more discussion about Shelby’s past with Daniel, which amounted to nothing, and getting a badly done infodump. But it suddenly resolves all of Shelby’s Scary Sue tendency’s. So, now Shelby is Luce’s new sycophant. Like all converted Scary Sues, she maintain some sarcasm, but will usually be pretty servile to the Sue.

So the next day they summon another Announcer, and, because all Announcers around this school seem to be intimately connected with Luce, it shows her a scene of an unhappy looking woman in Vegas. She looks like an older version of Luce, which Luce marvels at, and goes through the Announcer to meet. While the woman, whose name is Vera, is dealing cards, Luce manages to touch her fingers (which I’m pretty sure is as illegal as their actually being in one of those casinos) and have a flashback that reveals that Vera is in fact Luce’s older sister from a past life, and that she had watched Past!Luce combust one evening while iceskating.

Also, it’s hinted that Past!Luce was pretty much the only thing that Vera really loved in her life and was keeping her together as a person. It’s actually kind of sad. Vera recognizes her, freaks out, and out of absolutely nowhere, Deus Ex Arianne³ shows up and saves them.

Bye, Vera! It was nice meeting you! Your character looked very interesting, and I’m sorry that we’re not going to see you or ever have you mentioned again! Have fun with the psychiatric treatment that you’re going to need after seeing your dead little sister and watching her vanish with no explanation!

We have a stupid scene where we find out exactly what Luce has for dinner at IHOP so we know that she eats low fat and a ‘history’ lesson about angels and demons that tells nothing more than anyone with a casual acquaintance with Judeo-Christian beliefs would not know. Oh, and Paradise Lost is treated as if it was completely Biblical, rather than very well written poem written by a man with his own view of things that is certainly not the only explanation. Oh, and, fun fact, Kate admits through Luce that she’s only read the cliff’s notes.

Here’s an expert, people!

Naturally, Kate isn’t going to explain what’s going on. Why did Daniel fall? We don’t know. What is the nature of the conflict between angels and demons since it is hinted to be more complicated than ‘I don’t like humanity and I’m better and I’m special’? We don’t know. The only thing that she knows is that Daniel is the one who’s supposed to tip the scales between Heaven and Hell. Luce whines about how everything’s so complicated, and how both sides are so alike.

I vote you go with the side that isn’t trying to kill you and doesn’t seem to have shady intent. But since Luce has no actual curiosity, and she’s never attempted to learn about the sides prior to this point, I really don’t care.

Out of nowhere another one of the Evil Albino Outcasts shows up and attacks. Arianne fends them off (off screen of course, we wouldn’t want our darling girls to see violence) and they return to school. Where Luce gets in trouble, but no privileges get taken away. In fact, she gets to leave and have Thanksgiving with her family!

Now, I’ll admit, Thanksgiving is not a big deal in my family. We have little extended family who comes over, and honestly, I don’t really like turkey. At the same time, Luce is somewhat surprised at being reminded that she has a family or a so called best friend who we haven’t heard much about since the last book.

While she’s sulking in her dorm for being told off but not getting into any real trouble, Miles comes by and confesses to her. Luce has a few minutes of conflict and then decides that, why not! Daniel’s left her for almost two weeks, he didn’t pity her when she complained, and he whined that he didn’t like her hair. She is perfectly justified on cheating on him! She makes out with Miles for while, but Daniel, who was apparently waiting for her, sees and flies off in despair to go sparkle in front of the Voltori with a very melodramatic cry instead of calling Luce out on her crap.

Not one to have Luce question herself, Kate decides to rush things over to that Thanksgiving with her family where, for some reason, Shelby, Miles, Daniel, Callie (Luce’s “best friend”), Cam, Roland, Arrianne, Gabbe and Molly (remember them?) are also here.

Because Luce’s parents are so wonderful and have so little characterization, they’re cool with the first time that they’ve seen their daughter in months being interrupted by a bunch of random people that they don’t know. Now, if Kate had been implying that her parents were kind of neglectful or were still so upset by the fire that Luce supposedly caused in the last book that they honestly didn’t want to talk with her, I would have been fine with this. It would have even been an interesting detail. But it wasn’t. Thanksgiving was implied to be a big deal in her family, and kind of a special event. If I were seeing my kid for the first time in a couple of months, you can be sure that I wouldn’t want her pack of friends and admirers there.

But her parents are fine with it, and Thanksgiving passes in a boring way. You’d think that something interesting would happen at a table with humans, angels, demons, and hybrids all sitting together on a holiday where, in its original conception, you were supposed to thank God for all the good things in your life. But, no, just Daniel glaring at Miles, and Luce feeling sorry for herself because everything’s so hard. Mommy and Daddy leave –so the plot can finally arrive- to walk the dog, and suddenly Shelby’s ex turns up, but SHOCKER he’s an Outcast!

Confirming what anyone who actually did more than skim over this book to get to more LucexDaniel crap knew from the second he was described as being albino.

This is treated like a complete and total shock, and really just makes me think badly of every single character. Didn’t it occur to Daniel and Cam that there might just be an Outcast hanging around the school? Didn’t Luce find it odd that that guy looked like the other Outcasts she’d seen? I can kind of forgive Shelby and Miles, since they never actually got to see an Outcast and might not have made the connection. Still. You’d have thought that they might listen to the description.

Acting like your typical villain, the Outcast ex gleefully explains their evil plan. For some reason that isn’t explained, Luce is considered acceptable payment for the Outcasts to get back into Heaven. So they’re going to drag her with them to the pearly gates whether she likes it or not and dump her there. This does not really involve killing.

There’s a problem: I don’t really see why this is a bad thing.

YOU HAVEN’T TOLD ME WHY THIS IS A BAD THING, KATE!

EXPLAIN!

Luce tries to get more info out of Mr. Monologue, but sadly she doesn’t get much more, and since the Outcasts greatly outnumber the others, Luce selflessly (you’ve seen how selfless she’s been in the past, right) decides to go with them.

I’d care if I knew what she was sacrificing.

The next part is…confusing. Miles can apparently make illusions of people, which is not in any stretch of the imagination a lame power, and he is working on one that looks like Luce. Somehow, when Luce walks by a shed, they switch. I wasn’t really sure how it worked either. The Outcasts take fake!Luce away but then Cam whips out a starshot (I’m still waiting for Rainbow Brite to show up) and shoots fake!Luce, who disappears. This, instead of making the Outcasts attack in rage, makes them all break up and freak out. Daniel, thinking that was the real Luce, attempts to kill Cam, but he hears something and turns around just in time to see an Announcer swallowing up Luce.

Oh hai, plot! You’re kind of late you know.

That is the end. Apparently, Kate wanted to go for the cliffhanger. Sadly, I have to say I have only one sentence to give Kate. The worst sentence that any writer can hear: I don’t care what happens to these people.

Characters

Luce is agonizingly passive in this book. I know there are introverted characters or characters that have events spin completely out of their control, but Luce does nothing to gain control over the situation, and even her little ‘I did what I thought was right’ at the last part when she was sacrificing herself was flat. She essentially sits back, doesn’t really care that everyone is keeping secrets from her and feels woe because the guy that she was stalking through the last book and doesn’t really know anything about can’t see her for nearly two weeks. Then she whines at him when he’s not positively perfect. She’s a Sue, but still mostly there as a blank slate for the reader to slip into and fantasize about a inhumanly gorgeous man (who is frequently described as such) without enough personality to have flaws loving her passionately.

Daniel is, like the last book, almost completely devoid of personality. Even the shocking revelation that Shelby dated him for a while isn’t particularly shocking. Since it’s very clear that it was brief, and nothing happened. He exists, like in the last book, to love Luce, and that really is the extent of his personality. That’s why, in my opinion, he can’t actually be in the story all that much. Because if he is, his lack of personality will become apparent and even the most clueless fangirl will get bored. Strangely enough, I’m pretty neutral to him. He doesn’t have enough personality for me to hate.

Shelby…Shelby, Shelby Shelby, you had such potential to be a Scary Sue who might actually be a threat. Why did you have to cave in and become her little sycophant? I really liked Shelby when I first met her. She seemed like the type who would call Luce out on her selfishness and get villianized by everyone for doing it. Even her brief thing with Daniel seemed to make her fit the bill. Then Kate changed her mind. And that was sad.

Miles (who has nothing to do with Miles Prower) is supposed to be something like the Jacob Black of the series. He’s everything that Daniel isn’t: not very strong, very much present in Luce’s life, and actually contributes to the action and the plot. He doesn’t have much personality himself, but enough to remind me a little of Peeta from The Hunger Games. I think that I could like him, but it seems as if the romance with him, which is pretty much his only function, is flat. His scenes fell rushed and the romance seems to come to quickly.

The Outcasts, who are as far as I’m concerned a single entity, are poor villains. I mean it. While they do have some ties to the Fair Folk, given that they were angels who were ‘not bad enough to go to hell, but not good enough to good to heaven’, but the potential is completely wasted on them. They have no characterization. While I can see that they were meant to be sinister, they don’t manage to get it. Mostly because we never actually see them until the end, and even then, their motives are so convoluted, that I just can’t really care about them.

Cam has been pretty much demoted to extra, which is kind of sad. I liked Cam. We only see him at the beginning, where he’s hinted to be important, in the middle, where he rescues Luce and flirts with her a little, and the end, where he isn’t overly interested in her. I feel like Kate changed her mind with him, probably because Cam had more personality than Daniel, and she didn’t want her precious Edward Cullen wannabe to be less popular than someone.

Love Triangle

Rather like the last time, the love triangle is there, and it isn’t handled all that well.

Now, I’ll give Kate her due, unlike a lot of YA paranormal romances, Luce does actually consider leaving Daniel for Miles. There is a conflict and a question in her mind of who she should chose. The problem is that the story kind of suddenly shoves this in for drama, and it’s not particularly developed.

Now, I’m going to be honest: I hate love triangles. I have never once in my life seen a well developed one. The books I’ve read that were developed in an interesting way, weren’t really love triangles as much as they were unrequited love and people chasing one another around in circles. I don’t think that a love triangle can be done well.

I know why authors are so fond of them lately though. For one thing, they give conflict to a story that, otherwise, doesn’t have any, and for another, it makes the Sue more desirable to have multiple guys fight for her.

Themes

Ladies, it’s fine to be completely passive and uninterested in the world around you. Everything, including someone who loves you, will be presented to you on a silver platter.

Albinos are evil. (Seriously, what’s with all the albino hate, YA authors? I know that the white hair and pale skin is a little eerie in fiction, but there are real people who happen to be albino.)

It is unnecessary to understand anything. Rely on Love. Everything will be fine.

This is probably something about how love is hard sometimes, but really, the two week thing makes the whole thing sound like a teenager whining because she isn’t getting her way.

Setting

This was disappointing. In the last book, the story stayed in one rather interesting setting. The gothic reform school where there were hinted abuses, abuses of power and an all-around possibility of a plot other than romance. Here, it’s just a ritzy school where cool people go. It almost felt like Kate had given off all pretenses of this being an atmospheric novel and just went for self-insert romance.

Shoreline is devoid of personality. It’s a rich school where rich people go. Big deal. Your character is awesome and everyone loves them. Give me something else.

What really annoys me is that several points about Cross and Sword were brought up but never considered, like how they were starving the students or how the cameras watched you even in your rooms or…

But that would have gotten in the way of the Epic Love Story.

Gag me.

Mechanics

Nothing much has changed between Fallen and this one. The dialog feels stilted and unnatural in places, there is way too much talking about True Love, and the author can’t seem to stop describing how hot Daniel is.

Cheating

When is it ok for the main character to cheat in fiction? The answer is when the significant other cheats first. In that case, it’s not really cheating. It’s just the jerk getting what they deserved.

It doesn’t make your character more romantic to make them cheat on the character who’s supposed to be the stand in for perfection. It doesn’t make them more desirable. It makes them look like a jerk. Even SMeyer knew this. She made sure that, Jacob was only a possible love interest when Wardo was busy angsting with the penguins or whatever he was doing. Once he was back in the picture, the relationship (or whatever it was) was over.

Does that mean that this can’t happen? No. It just means that that’s the only time that cheating is really justified. Every other time, it’s there to show that your character is selfish.

Reincarnation Romance

Reincarnation isn’t an easy thing to put in a romance. The reason being that even when they’re reborn, the person isn’t necessarily the same. Kate doesn’t seem to realize that by writing what she has, she’s essentially said that Daniel doesn’t really care about Luce as a person since her personality is different every time that he sees her. It’s just how she looks that’s the same.

Which doesn’t made a lot of sense since he mentioned that she was reborn in India and China at some point.

Essentially, Daniel wants Luce’s body. That’s really about it. She can be a completely different person with a completely different view of life, and he still wants her. This is not love. This is lust. Granted, the two are often intertwined, but if someone I loved was a completely different person in his next life, I wouldn’t be overly interested in him, even if I still found him attractive. If anything, I’d avoid him like the plague because I’d be upset when he looked the same but acted completely different.

Can a reincarnation romance be done well? Yes. Yes, it can. You just have to think about it and put more care than what Kate has done. And have the person still generally be the same person, only with some different experiences. This can be done.

Mythology and Religion

Fail. Fail on so many levels. Fail.

Let’s begin.

Demons, fallen angels, whatever you wish to call them, do not like people. They fell because they didn’t like people. They resented the fact that humanity, a weak little species that didn’t know up from down, was going to rule over them. There’s pretty much a constant theme of Christianity: Humans are the apex of Creation, and therefore everything that happens is either for humans or because of them. And since that happens to be the world view that Kate is working with, she either has to out right state where the Bible doesn’t give enough information or work with what she has.

Now, if we were going to find that the reason that the Demon Instructor said what he did was to tempt people away and fill their heads with lies so that they’d go to hell, I’d applaud Kate on her brilliance. Or that there was another reason for the fall other than people, and even the fallen were kind of divided on the issue, I’d be ok with it. The problem is, she’s not, and I know she’s not, and you know she’s not.

Now, Sodom and Gomorrah. This is a complicated piece in its own right because there is the homosexual issue here. Some people say that the two cities were turned to nothing because of the fact that they were all gay. Personally, I hold to the idea that the men demanding to rape the two angels who had come to see if the city was worth saving was the thing that really pushed the whole thing over the edge. But this isn’t really the point. The point is that it is cheap to just show the people burning without any context to view this story in.

It would be like taking any time that a city is destroyed in war, taking the event out of context, and judging everyone on this one thing when you never consider all the other factors around it that might help explain what was going on. Kate claims that it’s so that people don’t pick sides, but…why can’t both views of things be presented? Then you’re not really preaching, you’re giving two explanations for an event, and, let’s face it, the kids are going to pick a side regardless. Personally, I think that Kate just doesn’t want to explain things because she thinks it’s mysterious.

I’m not saying that Kate couldn’t necessarily do this, I’m just saying that she really needs to, like in the last book, at least acknowledge where what she is saying is different or where things weren’t explained, even involving God, who is mentioned and ignored again. Taking Supernatural again, after season four, where an angel pops up, we start seeing a lot of deviations from the traditional view of angels/God, and the writers acknowledge them when they turn up. While I don’t personally agree with them, they at least acknowledges that there were traditions about how things were viewed and don’t pretend that this is just the way it’s always been and…religions? What religions? Those are so uncool.

Literature

I’m coming to hate anyone who quotes literature in these books. Particularly when they show that they don’t really understand the literature that they’re talking about. Paradise Lost is fanfic. It’s beautifully written, well thought out fanfic, but it’s still fanfic. It’s limited by Milton’s interpretations of people, the ideas at the time that it was written, and the fact that it was created to serve a certain style. It can’t be considered “canon”. And anyone who has even the most casual knowledge of literature should know this.

Even if you were to look at the work alone, and base the story off of that, there’s still a problem: the line “better to reign in hell than serve in heav’n” is out of context. In the first book of the poem, Satan says this to one of his demon generals, right after they have been utterly defeated. He was having a case of sour grapes as well as making their defeat seem less of a blow to his subordinate. (Thus keeping rebellion against him from happening) This was said right around the time when he talks about how his ‘glorious rebellion’ ‘shook the throne of heaven’ when, when you read about the battle in another book, it simply wasn’t true. If anything the battle was comedic, since no one could die no matter what they did. The poem just doesn’t work with this story, and Kate really needs to stop trying to make her book seem higher brow than it is. It’s not working.

Final Assessment

This book was named well.

Kate might think that she’s being mysterious by not explaining anything, but really, she’s just being annoying. The story holds together a little better than the last one, and doesn’t shift too much, but the same problems are still there, and honestly, before she expanded her world, she should have explained it a little better.

The main character is still boring, the plot is all over the place, Kate keeps trying to philosophize about the nature of good and evil and heaven and hell, while refusing to fully explain what is going on around the character, who is to passive to do anything or ask questions. The romance that is the main focus of this book is never fleshed out, and the whole premise and plot feels like a badly made patchwork quilt.

Has anything improved? Not really, even the more interesting aspects of the first book, like the school are missing, and too much focus is placed on the past lives while almost none is given to the situation at hand.

If this was Kate’s attempt at New Moon then I have to say that Meyer did it better. That’s probably the greatest insult I’ve ever given a writer. Including the Cast Ladies.

Score: 2 of 10 (There were a few decently written scenes that convey something like an emotion.)

Next Up: Betrayed

¹ For all those who don’t know, Rose Potter is one of the most infamous Sues of the Harry Potter fandom. The writer was obsessed with nudism and frequently had loving descriptions of preteen girls in all of their glory, sounding like supermodels. The stories were also known for the author taking huge chunks from the original books and merely changing things into first person, changing the gender being specified, and then taking out all the humor, explaining all the jokes and having every single problem solved by Rose and her Super Special Awesome druid powers which have nothing to do with actual druidism before any real conflict could appear. Oh, and taking from Lord of the Rings.

² Which are, admittedly pretty useless in reality. Astral projection might be a fun way to sound More Spiritual Then Thou, but it’s not going to do much against a powerful spiritual being. Suethors seem to have an issue with the more standard, but useful powers. Like throwing fireballs. There’s nothing wrong with fireballs. And they’re a nice level 1 attack spell.

³ Remember her? Luce’s roommate from the last book. She was built up as being important, but never really amounted to much? Yeah, she’s here now. I guess that everyone just decided to leave that boarding school now that Luce wasn’t going to be there. How convenient.

Comment [15]

So, things have been thrilling in this book lately haven’t they? I don’t know how I get to sleep sometimes with all the amazing and shocking things occurring around Venus Cove. Don’t worry, this chapter isn’t going to let you down.

This chapter, like the last one, is largely pointless and pretty much could have been taken out without hurting the plot. If anything, the plot would have moved a little bit past the rate of a glacier. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for character development, scenes when people are talking and even scenes that don’t really have a lot to do with the plot that exist for character development or world development. Some of my favorite scenes from books and movies are silly little scenes that don’t really advance the story, but either bring me closer to the characters or give me a better idea of what kind of place the setting is.

The problem with Adornetto is that she doesn’t really do this. She has conversation, but honestly, Bethany, Naybriel and Ivy are as two dimensional as they were when I first met them. If anything the conversations make them more two dimensional.

So, right after the important doings of the dinner table, in which we found that Bethany is a lying angel, Ivy has managed to get possession of a Death Note, and Naybriel doesn’t understand that some ingredients don’t go together, they decide to clean up. Bethany is nervous about this free time because, as everyone knows

time in the kingdom didn’t exist.

Now, I might be being nitpicky here, but I really don’t like this statement. It doesn’t make sense. If time doesn’t exist, then it would be impossible to perform any action since the action couldn’t ever be finished as it would be in the same moment of time as it began. I know what she’s trying to say is that in Heaven, things are kind of outside of time since everyone is immortal and time doesn’t have the same meaning, but it does exist, even if you’re kind of outside of it.

So, after doing the dishes, Naybriel suggests that they go down to the beach and look around for a while. They have a long conversation about what kinds of clothes that people should wear for cool weather, which comes off as weird, even though I know that she’s doing it because her angels aren’t aware of physical touch. After nearly two months of sitting around contemplating their navels, you’d think that they’d noticed that when it’s cold, you wear more clothing.

\~/

I feel like Adornetto actually wanted to start this book the moment that the angels landed, but then her agent (or her parents) thought it was a bad idea for some reason, and she just decided to write the same basic things anyways. Editors really should have gotten this, but apparently, this thing turned their brains to mush at some point. I wonder…is this some kind of unknown weapon that could make people overlook extremely obvious code or something. Unfortunately, I doubt it could ever be utilized since it would work both ways.

Moving on, they go down to the beach, and we get a long description of just how perfect the whole thing is with

pearly shells, fragments of glass worn smooth by the motion of the water, the occasional half buried sandal or an abandoned shovel, and tiny white crabs that scuttled in and of little pea sized holes in rock pools.

\~/

I think that the crab that she is referring to here is mictyris longicarpus or the Australian soldier crab which looks like

and is about an inch wide. It’s apparently a popular crab there. It also seems to like places like Singapore, so we still don’t have the clearest of ideas of where Venus Cove is. Also, I would be willing to bet that, even if she had a mind to place Venus Cove in America, she’d never consider if these kinds of crabs lived there.

The description goes on, and Bethany thinks about how she never had all these sensations before, and I’m starting to consider giving a drink count for the times that she makes Heaven sound like a stinky place to go.

Then, in a rare moment of action, Bethany splashes Ivy with her foot which starts a splash fight between the two while Naybriel watches on benevolently.

This is for all practical purposes like watching someone else’s kids on the beach. It’s clear that they’re having fun, but as the reader, I don’t really care about it. The real problem is that while it’s clever to have the people bonding together and slowly becoming more human, it’s boring. If Adornetto had wanted a scene like this, it could have easily have been done between her and her human friends. It could have shown a contrast between people and her, and it might have really been interesting to show that Bethany was becoming more human from interacting with humans. As it is, it just feels like Bethany and Ivy are idiots and Naybriel is wondering how he had offended the Almighty enough to get landed with babysitting the pair.

Then she jumps on Naybriel’s back and rides him for a while.

\~/

…

You know, there is an ocean of subtext in this gesture, but I’m not going to touch it. There’s enough of it between Molly and Bethany without bringing Naybriel in for a threesome.

They play around, Naybriel dumps Bethany in the water, which I enjoy far too much for my own good, and they all act like five-year-olds.

Somewhere, not far from here, a demon just convinced someone to commit suicide. His name was Bob, and he’d been looking for a job. He had a loving wife and two children, both of whom will experience shame, guilt and poverty. This will possibly begin a chain of abuse and misery that will affect their future families and possibly even land them in hell. These three clowns could have prevented all that.

While they are enjoying their bliss, Bethany notices a woman with a kid who is still hanging around.

The child, who couldn’t have been more than five or six, ran up to her mother tearfully. There was a swelling on the child’s plump arm, probably the result of an insect bite, which she had further inflamed by rubbing. The child cried even harder while the mother rummaged in her bag for some ointment. She brought out a tube of aloe gel, but could calm her wriggling daughter enough to apply it.

Then Ivy sticks her nose into things and starts to examine the bite, which the mother “looked grateful” for. My sister has a daughter who is four. I highly doubt that she was be grateful about some strange woman getting involved if her kid was upset because she was hurt. Unless the kid just broke her arm, it doesn’t require angelic assistance.

And need I remind everyone that there are children in regions of the world that have serious medical conditions?

\~/ \~/

Ivy takes the woman’s gel, heals the bit, the kid is very twee and asks if Ivy used magic, and the mother watches the bite fade away to nothing, even though it was inflamed, and is just confused.

\~/

When the mother asks what’s going on, Ivy gives us this…stunning piece of stupidity

“Amazing what science can do these days.”

No.

Many times, no.

Gel doesn’t do that. Nothing does that, and this woman would presumably have the sense to see through that argument. Science is rational. Science has laws. Even if we’re discussing things in a confirmed Christian worldview where you have powers that can break the laws of science without thinking about it, we can’t. And we notice when things do not obey our rules. People are not stupid, Adornetto.

Next, do not bring science into this story. Your very setting is physically impossible.

\~/ \~/ \~/

Also, Adornetto, I would like to introduce you to Amaterasu from Okami. In this game, Amaterasu technically speaking goes around feeding the woodland creatures, making flowers grow and helping people with their day to day problems, yet this game is ten times more interesting than your angels healing the cuts of random kids who are only going to get bit again eventually anyways.

Why don’t you try to think about why?

\~/

So, after that little interlude, they start walking around again and the downtown of Venus is described as being like every other ideal version of a downtown ever made.

The town center was a quaint place, full of antique shops, and cafes that served tea and iced cakes on mismatched china.

These places don’t seem to want to stay in business in an area this pretentious. And I hate the word ‘quaint’. It just drips with ego. Personally, I don’t think that Adornetto really understand the subtext of the word ‘quaint’ as ‘backwards or outdated’ but it’s also not really an excuse.

\~/ \~/

In America, we don’t have town centers. The center of town is not particularly important, and sometimes even when the center used to be important in the original plan of the city, it isn’t after a while.

Now, people could say that judging by the signs, she’s talking about a place in Australia, so this would be fine. The problem is that she hasn’t said that she’s talking about Australia, and all the links I’ve made are conjecture. For all I know, she’s just assuming that everywhere is run like Australia, and set this place in America. She doesn’t tell anyone.

In Harry Potter, we knew pretty much at the beginning where the story was placed, and if you didn’t know then, you knew by the third chapter. Even _Twilight was clear on where the place was. Adornetto seems to think that if she’s vague, she can make this be anywhere, and she can’t.

Oh, just so you know, we’re five pages into this chapter.

Fun times, ya’ll.

While they’re walking around the downtown for no discernible reason, Bethany hears someone calling “Beth” and sees Molly waving to her.

She was wearing a backless halter dress, which was completely inappropriate given the weather, and was perched on the lap of a boy with sun bleached hair and tropical board shorts. His broad hands were stroking her bare back in long rhythmic strokes.

And thus she’s a slut. And the sentence with the guy gives me the mental image of something kind of similar to the awkward face petting in Twilight.

\~/ \~/

I hate slut shaming. Particularly when there is no reason for it. Molly is doing nothing wrong. If she were of a religion that frowned on this kind of thing and did this as a means of rebellion that was different than the norm of her society, then maybe there would be grounds for raised eyebrows, but she isn’t. She isn’t claiming to be. She’s doing nothing dirty by wearing a dress that makes her look good and sitting on a guy’s lap, and in a beach town, a backless halter dress isn’t what one would call shocking.

Molly is unaware that her friend is looking at her with scorn and considers her to be a sinful little lost sheep, and waves to her, obviously wanting to talk to Bethany and meet everyone. Ivy and Naybriel look unhappy that they have to –come in contact with the plebs- go talk to Molly.

Both she and Gabriel knew that to blatantly ignore her would contravene the laws of courtesy.

…

Adornetto, you are aware that I’m supposed to like these characters, right? You know…I don’t even have to say anything, the arrogance of the idea that the only reason that they would deign to speak to a young girl who seemed to really consider one of your special little group as a friend purely out of courtesy speaks for itself.

\~/

But who cares, I’ve got some more drinks on the way!

When Bethany and the others come and see her the “surfer” looks “peeved” when Molly “extricates” herself and goes up to them, but he quickly starts lusting after Ivy. And that’s fine. \~/

Bethany introduces her ‘family’ to Molly, and Molly starts crushing on Naybriel since he’s so hawt. And she

only just managed to stammer a hello before coyly averting her eyes.

Never use ‘coy’ again, Bethany. It somehow sounds dirty coming from you.

Naybriel bows slightly to Molly, which is weird, and even Bethany knows is weird, and Molly is all overwhelmed, which Ivy and Bethany pity her for. It’s only natural to be overwhelmed in the presence of your betters after all!

\~/

Then things take another nose dive into the land of stupid. As if they couldn’t possibly go any further. We’re now reaching, in the ocean of stupid, the Midnight Zone. Things haven’t quite reached the Abyss yet.

Two dudes come out of a pub and seem to be getting ready to brawl for no apparent reason, even though it seems a little early in the day for drunken shenanigans, since there’s still light out.

Yeah, this scene comes out of absolutely nowhere? Why do you ask?

I suppose that I should be grateful. After all something is happening. It has nothing to do with the plot, and it really doesn’t make sense, but it is something, and it is happening.

Taking another trip into the land of You Wasted a Perfectly Good Plot, this might have worked. This might have been something to signify that there was a demonic influence on the town, particularly if the others watching were looking amused by the whole thing. This would show that at some level there was a very evil undercurrent to the whole town, and it would have even been slightly creepy, which as we’re dealing with demons, would work nicely.

As it is, if you want to read about demons who really play their part of mind rape and horror, go read some creepypasta.

Mostly people go into the pub where the fight started, for some reason. Naybriel, being a good man, stands in front of Bethany and Ivy, but not Molly, who is actually human and actually defenseless. I’m going to assume that Boyfriend (hey, he doesn’t even have a name) tried to get her to go somewhere else, but Molly wanted to make sure that her friend was alright, since it looked like Naybriel was going to be macho.

\~/

A look of repulsion flitted across Gabriel’s usual impassive face.

As the dudes start duking it out. Since in this continuity, Naybriel is supposed to be a warrior, I highly doubt that he should be disgusted by the fact that people are fighting. Maybe it’s because they’re drunk?

Of course not! It’s the fact that they’re lowly humans who sin! While I wouldn’t think that angels have the greatest patience with people, it’s best not to just have him be flat disgusted with us. It means I don’t like him.

Another problem is that he waits for someone to get beat up and start “oozing blood” before deciding to get involved. Naybriel stands in front of the guys and they decide that he wants to fight too, or rather

\~/ (<- preemptive drink)

Enraged by the interference, the two men joined forces and now hello sudden tense shift from past to present directed their combined anger at Gabriel. They swung wildly at him but every punch failed to find its mark. Yet, Gabriel had not moved. Eventually both men tired and slumped to the ground their chests heaving with the effort.

Because Naybriel is Cooler Than You.

Problem: Angels can be hit. How do we know this? Because Jacob fought with one in the Old Testament. It dislocated his knee, but he still fought it and managed to get him on the ground.

\~/

So, Naybriel tells the two guys to scram, somehow Naybriel’s voice “has a sobering effect” due to his authority.

I know a lot of people who would like that. I would like that to bring to a party. Imagine: a group of half naked drunk people belting out bad karaoke, and then someone takes out a recording of Naybriel’s voice, and suddenly, everyone is stone cold sober.

THE SHAME! I would want to ssseeeeee it.

So, the drunks wander off, likely to get fight somewhere else where they can have some peace and quiet, and Molly “gushes” because she’s a human and thus stupid. Then she asks an utterly moronic question.

“Are you like a karate expert or something?”

Molly, Naybriel didn’t move. He didn’t dodge. He did nothing that would bring martial arts to mind. He essentially stood there and somehow no punch landed on him. This is not karate. This is weird, and you should know this.

But as stupid as this is, Naybriel’s response takes the cake.

“I’m a pacifist,” he said. “There’s no honor in violence.”

…

First of all, that doesn’t make a lot of sense in response to that question. Second of all…

WELL, IT KIND OF STINKS FOR YOU SINCE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE A WARRIOR, DOESN’T IT?! AND IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN FIGHTING THAT WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT YOU’RE DOING COMING DOWN FROM HEAVEN TO FIGHT DEMONS?

Unless of course you’re lying. Which with these ‘angels’ I wouldn’t be surprised.

\~/ \~/ \~/

Calms Down

Molly, naturally doesn’t know what to say to that since it doesn’t really make sense. Molly essentially asked how Naybriel did what he did, he told her he was a pacifist. I know I’m going back to this, but it just doesn’t make sense.

Sidestepping the general lack of sense that this is making, Molly offers Bethany a taste of her ice cream.

Maybe I should start a drink count for the amount of subtext going on between Bethany and Molly. \~/

I need a subtext gif…

Before I could object, she leaned over and shoved her outstretched spoon into my mouth. Immediately something cold and slippery began dissolving on my tongue. It seemed to be shifting shape—transforming from velvety solid to liquid that trickled down my throat. The cold made my head ache there should be a comma here and I swallowed as quickly as I could.

Bethany with brainfreeze.

Consider that for a moment.

Now, I do have to say one thing, why is it that Molly assumes that Bethany’s never had ice cream before and thus offers her some? We know that Bethany’s not from around here, but she just assumes that she’s moved in from somewhere that is also wealthy. It just makes no sense.

Bethany says she likes it, and Molly, clearly wanting to hang out with her and continue in some kind of threesome with Boyfriend, gets ready to order her some. Naybriel says no, and they have to go home. Molly seems disappointed and then gives Bethany some of the lip gloss that she’d liked in the third chapter.

Seriously, Adornetto? I can give you more textual evidence that Molly has a crush on Bethany than your true love.

And somehow the fact that Nabriel and Ivy “exchange meaningful looks” all the way back amuses me. It makes me think that they’re thinking something like “Uh huh, this is getting interesting.”

That night, Bethany feels the urge to exposit about how she looks again, mentioning that in “the Kingdom” as she calls it, (which is really stupid) you can’t see yourself, so she’s transfixed by her reflection. I believe that that’s called vanity and is a subset of pride.

Drink up.

\~/

Now, credit where it’s due, this is the only time I’ve seen a scene where the character looks in the mirror to describe themselves having a logical reason. This is a cliché, and most of the time it doesn’t work since it seems strange that the character has to see themselves in the mirror. For Bethany, there’s a practical reason: she’s not used to seeing herself, since she doesn’t actually have a body, and is honestly curious about it. That works.

What doesn’t work is how Bethany describes herself.

Compared to the other girls at Venus Cove, I knew I must look strange. My skin was alabaster pale while they still sported tans from the summer. My eye were wide and brown; my pupils hugely dilated what is the point of this statement?. Molly and her friends looked like they never tired of experimenting with their hair, but mine was parted in the middle and fell in chestnut waves. I had a full, coral colored mouth which, I was later to learn, could give the impression that I was sulking.

Oh hai, Bella!

Oh, and drink for trashing the other girls for doing things with their hair while you’re pure and natural and allow yourself to look like the little Purity Sue that you are. \~/

As I said, the problem was how she spoke about herself. First person is really hard this way. A character can’t really describe what they look like without sounding strange. Now, there are ways around it. For instance, in the Dresden Files, which I heartily recommend to anyone who wants to see a good use of first person or just a good story, Harry Dresden often describes himself, usually in unflattering terms, when comparing himself to other people, usually in the negative. This not only shows us what Harry looks like in general terms, it also gives us a view on Harry’s vision of himself, and actually makes you like him more.

That’s the point of first person, to convey aspects of the character that might not easily have been able to be shown in third. It isn’t so that you can put yourself into the character’s shoes. It’s often a really good point of view to use when dealing with introverted characters or characters who hide a lot about themselves.

It’s not easy to do, and when you do it badly, you make it seem like all first person writers are hacks who are really just pretending to be the characters and talking about how awesome they are.

After describing herself to us, because we needed to know that Bethany’s eyes are dilated. (I now have an image of Bethany the Lemur.) She changes into pajamas with dancing cows on them. She mentions how the other girls wouldn’t be caught dead wearing that (\~/) and that Naybriel apparently was given a pair just like it with sailboats that he never wears.

Score for Naybriel. At least he has some self-respect.

She mentions describes how obnoxiously pretentious the whole house is again, and since I’ve been debating how much money I would need to live in a small apartment with a roommate after saving up my stipend for the next two years for furniture, I am consider how much money the blasted thing would cost, and it annoys me. I know that this is essentially Adornetto’s wish-fulfillment fantasy, but honestly, not only is it insulting to the holy beings that she’s claiming to writing from the perspective of, but she’s also insulting anyone who can’t necessarily afford this kind of house, like many of her readers.

Also, you know what, I’m counting her racism under that ‘thinks something’s good when it really isn’t’ count.

\~/ \~/ \~/ \~/ \~/

(To make up for lost time)

Also, the fact that angels don’t need a lot of sleep is brought up, and that they actually don’t need to sleep much, and apparently Naybriel and Ivy like to talk deep into the night while Bethany sleeps. Even though they have the energy to at least be looking for demons.

From Wiki:

Sloth is defined as spiritual or emotional apathy, neglecting what God has spoken, and being physically and emotionally inactive.

\~/

Then things get weird. I’m going to do a passage spork because this is honestly…creepy. I mean, it manages to actually be slightly creepier than Edward Cullen going “I watch you sleeping.” and Bella going “THAT IS SO ROMANTIC!”.

While she’s sitting in bed, looking up at the ceiling, Bethany

imagined a stranger coming in my room.

I’ve had nightmares about this two. Usually accompanied by lights refusing to stay on and being alone in the house…wait…you mean that this is supposed to be good?

I felt his weight as he sat on the edge of my bed in silence.

First of all, how does she knew that it’s male? Her eyes are closed.

Second of all.

\~/

Get me out of your head when you’re having rape fantasies.

I was sure that he was watching me as I slept, but I didn’t dare open my eyes because I knew he would prove to be a figment of my imagination, and I wanted the illusion to continue a little longer.

And here is where Adornetto falls into Meyer land. Now, as a Twihard, she’s of the opinion that a man watching a woman sleeping is romantic.

Now, I have a personal story for all of you. When my sister was eighteen and just starting college, she went up to Virginia on a ski trip and ended up breaking her leg. While she was in the hospital, a young man who had been skiing with her visited frequently. He was obviously attracted to her, and I found the whole thing faintly amusing (like most younger sisters). That was until one night, when my sister was drugged on morphine I came into the hospital room to get my Gameboy, which I had left, to see that he had come after visiting hours were over.

The guy was leaning over my sister, watching her breathing while she was in a drugged sleep. It was not, in any way, shape, or form, romantic. My sister was completely defenseless, and he knew it. I’m not sure what would have happened if I hadn’t come in there, but after he saw me, and knew that my sister’s family hadn’t completely left, he left the room pretty quickly.

My dad spent the night in her room with her, and told the nurses about what happened. We didn’t see him again.

Now, in the view of Meyer and Adornetto, what this guy was doing was totally romantic and a sign of his love and desire to protect my sister. My family and I were monsters for not allow that truest of true young loves to exist.

I have a very low tolerance for this viewpoint.

When a person does this to someone else, it is a sign of possession and of power. The person sleeping is at the mercy of the person watching. The person watching can do whatever they want, and the person sleeping will not be able to react in time. Now, there are times when this can be romantic. Say when the person is hurt, there is no medical care, and the person is keeping a vigil over that other person to make sure that things don’t get worse. Also, there is usually a romance established already. \~/

There is no romance established between Bethany and Xavier yet. She’s just having random fantasies about him. Oh. Spoilers.

The boy lifted his hand to brush a wisp of hair out of my eyes and then leaned forward to kiss my forehead. His kiss was like being touched by butterfly wings.

vomits

Adornetto, how do you manage to go from creepy rape fantasies to tastes like diabetes in the space of three seconds?

I felt no alarm; I knew I could just this stranger with my life.

Well, that makes everything better. As long as you know in your heart that the guy is a good guy, everything’s going to be just fine. After all, no one ever really falls in love with a bad person.

The chapter ends as Dream!Xavier wishes Bethany good night, and she falls asleep to the sound of the waves, like a good heroine.

What was the point of that? Seriously, did the editor think that we needed more Xavier since that was the reason for the whole stinking book? Oh, and by the way, this here, is a Big Lipped Alligator Moment. It will never be relevant to the plot, and if it is mentioned again, it’s so passing that I didn’t even notice it on my first read.

Frankly, these last two chapters could have easily been condensed and cut out. While it’s good to see the angels doing things somewhat like what angels are supposed to do, like heal people and all, it doesn’t make much sense to begin with. The whole thing seemed jammed in yet slow and boring. It’s like someone is telling Adornetto that she needs to slow down and work on the plot, but as far as she’s concerned the romance and the fact that Bethany’s an angel, ya’ll, is the plot. Thus she can’t advance it.

Stay tuned for a new pointless chapter, in which we meet more stereotypes, and I get more offended!

Drink count: 30

Comment [19]

Introduction

Gather round everyone! In our last look at the works of Mommy Cast and Baby Cast, we watched as ugliness was defined as an acceptable reason to die, vampires were suddenly Straw Wiccans and the setting couldn’t possibly work. In their next offering of literature, we will see more sexism, more self-righteous preaching, and Zoey Redbird will boldly go where few Sues have gone before while Mommy Cast and Baby Cast launch a war over the character of Aphrodite.

Now, I have an odd relationship with the House of Night series. I hate it, but not in the way that I have hated other novels. Instead of the utter loathing that I’ve felt for Hush Hush or the anger towards Halo, I hate the House of Night series with an almost amused hatred that stems from the fact that my suspension of disbelieve crashed somewhere in the first book, and it just keeps spiraling down into more and more stupid. It’s so obnoxious, so wrong and so offensive that it could almost reach Springtime for Hitler levels. At least to me.

Now, I have a theory about this book. It is in reality, a fanfiction of a better book from an alternate universe. In this book, Erik and Aphrodite are the main characters, who after being accepted into the House of Night start uncovering the dark secrets that it hides, and realizing that the humans dislike of vampires is very justified. Zoey is just a Sue self-insert who does what most Sue self-inserts do and manages to miss the entire point of the real novel.

If someone were to find me the link of this real novel, I’d be grateful. It might be a good read.

Cover Impressions

This thing still looks like porn. Other than that, it’s not really very interesting or eye catching. Just the back of some girl with long dark hair. I suppose it’s supposed to be sexy and mysterious, but really, it just looks dumb. It’s so clearly trying to be sexy, but it not doing a very good job of it. There’s really nothing more to say about it. It’s ugly, it’s lazy and it looks like porn.

Ironically, this series is one of the few that could actually have good covers if someone put any effort into them. Stuff does happen in them, and it’s potentially interesting, if only it wasn’t so bogged down with Zoey’s irritating POV, random rants about the evils of pot, and obnoxious preaching of their ideas along with demonizing anyone else.

Moving on.

Plot

From Amazon:

Fledgling vampyre Zoey Redbird has managed to settle in at the House of Night. She’s come to terms with the vast powers the vampyre goddess, Nyx, has given her, and is getting a handle on being the new Leader of the Dark Daughters. Best of all, Zoey finally feels like she belongs—like she really fits in. She actually has a boyfriend…or two. Then the unthinkable happens: Human teenagers are being killed, and all the evidence points to the House of Night. While danger stalks the humans from Zoey’s old life, she begins to realize that the very powers that make her so unique might also threaten those she loves. Then, when she needs her new friends the most, death strikes the House of Night, and Zoey must find the courage to face a betrayal that could break her heart, her soul, and jeopardize the very fabric of her world.

My Version:

We begin a little after the events of the first book. Zoey is preparing to meet her family for the first time since she ran off to frolic with the vampires, and is whining about it. She claims that the whole point of the thing is for the parents who don’t love their kids anymore because they’re vampires to refuse (or something), and briefly mentions that Token Gay Damien’s parents are fine with him being a vampire but refuse to accept he’s gay.

Because all gay people’s families are stupid, and no family was ever known to not be either in denial or evil.

Since it’s time to bash families, we see Zoey’s mom and dad again, but not her sister and brother, who don’t seem to have names. Stepdad throws a fit when he sees Zoey’s Special Snowflake mark and thinks she did it to herself. Neferet turns up and shows up Stepdaddy, making such ‘respectful’ comments as how his religion ‘Vilifies pleasure’ and:

relegates women to roles that are little more than servants and broodmares, though they are the backbone of your church.

Of course, this completely ignores the fact that her religion does the exact same thing to men.

Now, before someone else who’s read the books brings up the Nice Nuns that turn up later, don’t. They don’t exist at this point in the series, and at this point, the only religion other than oh so enlightened New Age Mother Goddess worshipers are straw fundies (or maybe Mormons). At this point in the series, the Cast Ladies are essentially saying that anyone who disagrees with them are evil, and if you’re Islamic, Hindu, Atheist, Agnostic, Buddhist or anything else, you don’t exist or suffer instant conversion.

Stepdaddy blusters for a bit before toddling off out of the book with Mommy behind him, after making a redundant statement about Zoey being out of his hands, and Neferet interrupts him in mid-sentence.

In case you’ve never debated with a real fundie of the Jack Chick kind who has decided that your soul needs saving, and he’s the one to do it: this doesn’t work. They just talk louder and more forcefully since now they know that your soul needs saving since you’re debating.

So, then we have a brief mention that Neferet was sexually abused by her father (because all men are evil) and how she now considers him like all other human men to be inconsequential.

And naturally, Zoey’s too stupid to notice the neon sign reading “I’M EVIL!” flashing over her head.

She wanders off, has a conversation with her boyfriend, and notices Aphrodite and her family, and Mommy Cast takes the wheel. I can tell since the conversation suddenly is more subtle though not much. Aphrodite’s family are snobby monsters where the mom literally slaps her around a touch, and tells her how useless she is. Aphrodite is honestly very sympathetic.

When she mentioned this to her friends, they saw that because Aphrodite was mean to them, she is evil and thus totally deserves it, and it’s her fault for not growing a backbone. Here that: if your parents are abusive, it really is your fault.

But Zoey is totally sympathetic with her family, who are merely irritating. Actual abuse pales in comparison to annoying the great Zoey. We’re now at chapter three, my feelings for Zoey are actually managing to go lower than they were in the first book. I actually want to start calling her Zit as she is a zit on the face of the written word.

The next day, they’re in vampire sociology, Zoey is telling us how good looking Neferet is, and somehow by her constant denials about how she’s really straight and doesn’t see her that way makes me wonder. She also whines that Eric (the trophy boyfriend from the last time) had to go do acting stuff away from school, so now she’s alone. How convenient. Since –she’s a Sue- she’s so special and smart Zoey mentions that while she’s supposed to be the head of the Dark Daughter (who are supposed to be kind of important, remember) she hasn’t done a thing even though the meeting is coming up. So, she goes off to the library to copy other people’s clever ideas.

Which she thinks she’s clever for doing.

Personally, I don’t see the problem with just taking out the marijuana incense and calling it a day, since the overall structure didn’t have too much problems, but moving on.

The real reason for this trip turns up in the form of Loren Blake. A teacher. He shows up and starts blatantly coming on to Zoey.

And he’s her teacher.

And all the time Zoey’s thoughts are: ZZZZOOOOOOMMMMMMIIIIIIGGGGEEEEEEE HE’S SO HAWT!!!!!1ONE

And he’s her teacher.

Then Aphrodite shows up out of nowhere and sees her, and Zoey gets upset because Aphrodite might tell Erik.

And I’m supposed to be…unhappy…about this?.

Casts, it isn’t hot to watch a man who has the ability to fail Zoey, and thus has control over the girl, make a pass at her. Zoey isn’t legal, and no matter how hot said teacher may be, he is still technically speaking a pedophile. You know, like the husbands of the women in the prayer tree that you were whining about in the last book? Yeah. Replace your hot teacher with that in your mind.

fumes

So, later, Zoey talks to her friends, who are all thrilled at this shocking new development, and don’t seem to think that the fact that he’s her teacher and he’s suddenly out of nowhere attracted to her when before he didn’t seem to notice Zoey any more than the other vampires in his class is a little creepy.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m the only sane person in a horde of raging hormonal fangirls.

Then, magically, Zoey is transported to Neferet’s office (or at least outside of it) where she suddenly hears Aphrodite breaking down and saying out she really did see something. Assuming, as usual, that everything is about her, Zoey leans in to listen and gets an earful. Apparently, Aphrodite is having visions but Neferet keeps telling her that they’re completely false and that Nix took away her gift, but she’s giving her fake visions because Nix hates her.

And she actually says something along the lines of ‘Look inside yourself and know it to be true.’

I admit it, I snorted a few times during this scene, when I wasn’t really feeling sorry for poor Aphrodite. The poor girl’s clearly distraught. All her friends are ignoring her, her position was stolen by a complete idiot, her family hates her, and now she’s being told that her power is fake. Seriously, this girl is going through so much trauma.

But, since in Zoey’s mind, It’s All About Her, she’s certain that Aphrodite is telling her that she saw Zoey and Loren and runs off.

I hate you, Zoey Redbird.

The next day, Zoey doesn’t really worry about what she just overheard, because that would mean realizing that Neferet was obviously evil too soon. Instead, she takes a walk and thinks about the events of the last book, such as when she happened to see the ghost of Elliot looking for something and attack her. While this doesn’t seem as pressing as other things, at least it’s something that seems natural to worry about. But then Zoey talks.

Maybe it hadn’t been Elliot (or his ghost or whatever). I didn’t know every single one of the fledglings here. There could be another kid here who had ugly, bushy red hair and pudgy, too white skin.

Remember children, if you’re not attractive, you deserve no pity, no kindness and no respect, even if you died painfully coughing up blood and begging the teachers to tell your family what happened to you.

Also, Zoey, he had glowing eyes. Think a little bit. It’s not hard. I promise.

Then she speculates that the only reason that she is still unhappy about the fact that two kids just dropped dead on her was because she’s still an icky human and when she’s a vampire she’ll see things right.

I am not making that up.

Proof:

It still seemed wrong to me, but maybe that was because I was only a month into the Change and still more used to being human than vamp, or even fledgling.

I have nothing to say to this that this doesn’t say for itself.

Loren turns up, they flirt some more, he recites some bad haiku at her that supposed to be romantic since it’s about the speaker’s naked lover, but it really just makes me feel ill. Then he wants her to strip off her jacket so he can see her Super Special Awesome tattoo. Which is lovingly detailed, and extremely sensual and ends in them nearly kissing. Which is supposed to romantic.

Yes, I feel dirty writing this, why do you ask?

Finally, the icky scene is done, and Zoey goes off and whines about men giving mixed signals without a thought in her pretty little head about the fact that she’s technically in a relationship, and vampires don’t seem to go for polygamy. Though the rate that this series is going…

Then the plot comes in. Or rather the plot goes by on a unicorn, waves to me and trots off to find better books where it can feel appreciated.

So, someone who Zoey once mentioned to Neferet who was a football dude is missing, but since he was a nasty male who smoked pot no one really cares. Though the ‘Twins’ (those two personality free characters who exist for no real reason at all) mention that he’s cute. Though they soupbox about the evils of pot for no real reason at all.

You know, I don’t really like the idea of legalized pot, but I swear this book would be better if I was stoned off my rocker.

Zoey has a significant feeling that the guy is no longer among the living, and at lunch/breakfast Aphrodite shows up, calls Zoey out for eavesdropping and basically hints that she’s got a pretty good idea about what’s going on. All of Zoey’s friends show up and harp on the poor girl for being evil. After all, Aphrodite wanted to have sex with Erik while they were dating and didn’t like Zoey.

She’s heinous.

Feminism, people.

Since Mommy Cast and Baby Cast can’t keep a coherent plot going, we later have to have Zoey and Stevie Rae talk about the ghosts, which doesn’t really go anywhere and then about Loren again. And somehow the fact that this is a sleazy overage guy flirting with a student never seems to dawn on the two twits. …I wonder…maybe the reason that Zoey’s friends seem ok with this is that no one actually likes her and they all want her to go out with him just so that she can get hers.

I doubt that anything so interesting or potentially able to make me feel anything for Zoey other than the flames of loathing would happen.

Then Stevie Rae brings up something slightly inconvenient to Zoey’s little ideal love life: her boyfriend. Erik.

“What do you mean, what about Erik?”

Yes. You just read that right. What about Erik? she asks. After all, he’s just a guy. It’s not as if he’s relevant or has feelings or anything. He’s just an object that exists to make Zoey feel more special. Imagine that this is two guys talking about how one of them is getting hit on by some chick, and then his friend is like what about your girlfriend, and he’s like what about her? That is how awful this girl is.

Zoey Redbird, you have proven to me that vampires are indeed soulless abominations that need to be staked on sight.

May you be shipped with Patch from Hush Hush for all of your literary existence. You deserve him.

So Zoey decides that she’s just going to two time, and that’s totally sympathetic, and they go off to learn that, surprise surprise, another guy from the football team is missing. Oh dear. And Aphrodite shows up, begging Zoey to listen to her vision. Zoey, being the sweet little thing she is, basically tells her to shove off, until Aphrodite forces the plot to come back and says that Granny Cliché Cherokee is going to get it if Zoey doesn’t listen. Naturally, Zoey is suddenly VERY interested, and Aphrodite calls her on it, and it is glorious.

Behold!

“‘You make me sick, Aphrodite. Do you care about anyone but yourself?’

‘Whatever, Zoey. Like you’re so perfect? I didn’t hear you caring about anyone else except your grandma.’

Thank you, Aphrodite. It’s so funny when characters call out Sues on their crap but the author doesn’t realize they’re doing it. It’s like the sane part of their brains are going ‘it’s not my fault, I swear.’

So, there’s supposed to be a bridge accident, and the Zoey comes up with a very stupid way to tell the police without the police having a clue who they are involving a disposable cellphone which fails for obvious reasons.

Though Grandma Cliché Cherokee is saved.

Regrettably.

At the same time, for completely unrelated reasons (you know, some guy was found dead, it wasn’t that important), two cops turn up to talk to Zoey. They come into Neferet’s office, and we learn that Kayla, the girl who was Zoey’s friend in the last book, is now EVIL because she wanted Heath. She said that Zoey might have attacked the two guys. The police, being both male and human are both evil(ish) and stupid, and Zoey whines about how mean Kayla is. And manages to, had these policemen NOT been stupid cliché stereotypes of what the police are like, give them some pretty good evidence on herself.

For the sake of drama, the police show off a necklace that happens to look like something that the leader of the Dark Daughters (AKA her) wears. Neferet is suddenly unhappy and starts trying to intimidate the police, which would only get her in trouble in the real world. The police mention that the guy died via exsanguination, and Neferet whines about how they’re being bigots by thinking that a species that drinks blood might drink blood…and then some random drug rant happens.

No, I’m serious.

After some more whining, Zoey goes to bed has a Significant Dream which basically tells the entire plot twist about Neferet being teh evil along with Loren, and she forgets it. That makes the point of view very strange. How does she write it down when she doesn’t remember it? What is the point in showing the audience something that is supposed to be a thrilling twist?

Because…plot, Zoey goes shopping for a disposable cellphone so she call about the bridge anonymously. This is stupid, but moving on, she runs into Heath, the guy from last book who Zoey bit. He was handing out flyers, looking for his missing friend, and we finally learn why Imprinting is like.

And it’s horrifying.

In Twilight, Imprinting was the special, magical moment where a guy got his entire personality rewritten and all affection for anyone else erased so that he could fall in love at first sight with a random person (or child) because babies. Here, it’s the special, magical moment where a guy gets his entire personality rewritten so that he can love what is essentially his magical rapist, so that, therefore, it’s not rape anymore!

I’m not sure which is more horrifying. Probably Twilight because the guys become abusers as well because it’s…supposed to be what these women want.

Heath apparently sometimes hallucinates that he sees her, and is so completely and utterly obsessed and dependent on her that he basically forgets all about the flyers and his friend in his haste to focus on her. Apparently no one bothered to tell him that he’s now emotionally dependent on the girl, and Zoey treats the whole thing like he’s being stupid.

Until they decide to make out, then everything’s fine.

When she gets back, Zoey calls the FBI, claims to be a terrorist group called ‘Nature’s Jihad’¹ claims they set a bomb, and the FBI doesn’t seem able to track this. Really. Then they find that the bridge was about to collapse, and everyone survives. Problem solved!

So, Stevie Rae starts having cold symptoms. Can you guess what that means? Oh, and Obnoxious Stereotype Gay Damien gets a boyfriend whose just as much as a stereotype as him. Yay.

So, being that Erik is coming back, and Loren is there, and Zoey was making out with Heath, Zoey whines about how hard her lot in life is or something, but then she sees a bunch of clocked figures sneaking around the grounds and one of the is Neferet and the another is Elliot. Zoey gives some lovely dialog about how

Elliot had been a short, pudgy, unattractive kid with too white skin and carrot red hair that was habitually frizzed out. He was still all those things, but now his pale cheeks were gaunt and his body was hunched, as if it had curled in on itself.

How dare he have died unattractive! And now he’s more unattractive! So he’s EVIL! Seriously, for most of this book, he’s referred to as the ‘Elliot Creature’. Even though he appears to still have his memories and such.

Neferet basically reveals that she’s evil, eats a football player and makes out with an underage boy, which is Very Bad, but when she makes out with her teacher, that’s fine. Then she goes back to her dorm and forgets about it. Seriously, she doesn’t mention it again for like…three chapters. This girl would be perfect in a dystopian world. She’d forget everything was wasn’t mercilessly pounded into her and didn’t involve her lovelife.

Erik comes back, and we get some more Orthello fail, which, ironically Aphrodite catches. Along with the implications of her cheating on Erik mean. Of course, everyone laughs it off, but…yeah…it’s there. And it’s glorious.

So, they have their little full moon ritual, and Loren turns up and starts flirting with Zoey right in front of her boyfriend. Zoey, decides to flirt back a little RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER BOYFRIEND, and then decides to do the actual ritual. Which involves Enya. Zoey whines a little more about the marijuana incense from last book as if it’s the height of depravity. And then finally, finally, the book does something.

Stevie Rae dies the same way that Elliot did, and it is the most pathetic, over sentimental piece of drivel that I’ve ever read. Including having things suddenly smell like flowers, Stevie telling Zoey that because Zoey’s parents are eeeeevil Fundies, Zoey gets to have Stevie’s family (ten bucks says nothing ever comes from this) and she does the same thing that Elliot does, beg Zoey to tell her parents what happened to her. This time though, Zoey is all sympathetic.

Then she whines and morns. And it’s insulting. Particularly since while the continuity of this world is such that Zoey should be told to move on and not talk about it, everyone else treats Zoey with reverence. Because it’s Zoey. Neferet brings up a drink so Zoey can sleep, Aphrodite turns up and tells her not to drink it and, everyone hates on her for a while. They all completely ignore the fact that she correctly predicted the whole bridge incident while mentally torturing the girl and telling her that she’s getting fake visions.

Why isn’t this story about Aphrodite?

Then we go on for THREE CHAPTERS of Zoey whining. You know, this could be bareable. This could be the moment that Zoey gets it through her thick skull that what the vampires are doing is wrong, but all she does is come across as a total hypocrite.

We also get this nauseating scene of Stevie Rae walking into Nix’s open arms in a scene that sounds like it’s right out of Shadowmancer or the many, many pieces of Christian fiction where this happens, and Zoey finds peace with her religion and preaches to me for a while, until finally she shuts up and goes to sleep.

Then Zoey has a Significant Dream. And now Stevie Rae is a red eyed ghost and kidnaps Heath. And then she completely ignores it and goes about her day.

Someone stab me. Or better yet, direct me to a book signing of theirs, so I can scream my frustrations out on the twits.

And she finds out that, on the news, Heath is now missing. What a shocking thing to happen.

It’s not like she just dreamed it or anything.

Fans, if any be there who read this review, justify this to me. Justify Zoey’s stupidity. Justify her actions. I. Dare. You.

Zoey says that she’s going to see Neferet and runs to see Aphrodite, who’s not surprised that she’s there. Zoey asks about the visions and dreams and then about the drink. And then we get this.

“It made me feel funny, detached. And it stopped my visions. Not permanently, just for a couple of weeks. And then it was hard for me to even remember what she looked like.’ Aphrodite paused. ‘Venus. Her name was Venus Davis.’ Her eyes met mine again. ‘She was the reason I chose Aphrodite as my new name. We were best friends and we thought it was cool.’ Her eyes were filled with sadness. ‘I’ve made myself remember Venus, and I figured you’d want to remember Stevie Rae”

Congratulations, Aphrodite, you’ve just shown the most interesting past and the most humanity of any character in this series. This is horrifying. And it really makes me angry. This is a plot. THIS is what this book should have been about. It should have been about how the vampires are drugging the students when someone dies, and how this ISN’T just Neferet. This is the culture. This is what it means to be a vampire.

It means to not care about anyone or anything but yourself. This should be about Aphrodite, coming into this school, away from her abusive parents, meeting her best friend and having similar names, goofing around, and then suddenly this friend is dead, and Aphrodite is drugged so that she can’t even remember her. Then, through sheer force of will, making herself remember her friend again, even if it makes her a target of Neferet, to be humiliated and lose everything that she was starting to gain to a stupid girl who believes everything that Neferet says.

See what I mean about fanfic?

Zoey leaves because Aphrodite refuses to actually tell her anything because she’s Neferet’s little minion, and the cops turn up again and are stupid.

Zoey begins to realize that Neferet might not like humans (who’d have thought) and then Zoey does something incredibly stupid.

More stupid than is normal for her at any rate.

She tells the cops everything that she knows while the villain is sitting right in front of her listening. The vision about Heath being kidnapped. Not Neferet being evil. That at least would have been interesting, though it would have made the series pretty short. One of the cops admits to having a vampire sister who is loves. This is treated as shocking because human man are all bigoted and evil.

Then Neferet is suddenly compared to Zoey’s mother. Whose only crime is marrying a dude that Zoey didn’t like who had beliefs that Zoey didn’t agree with. This is evil, people.

Then Zoey goes back to her love life of juggling men, and while making out with Erik has this lovely thought.

How did those ho-ish girls go out with a dozen or so guys at the same time? Two was exhausting”.

No, dear, it’s three.

And you are in no place to sit on your laurels about morality since two of these men think that you’re dating them exclusively. Sit down and shut up.

So, Zoey has another vision about Heath in a room, they chat in vision form for a while, Zoey gets shilled and decides to run off and save him without bothering about the whole police thing. She’s special after all.

She goes down into the sewers, where she finds Health and the ghosties. Then Stevie Rae shows up, and acts like an evil cliché villain no matter how many times Zoey tries to convince her of her snerk affection.

The whole thing winds down into a long argument about Stevie still being human, and then Zoey takes Heath, leaves and makes the tunnel they were in collapse, and then she starts nomming on Heath.

Then Stevie shows up again and it’s second verse same as the first.

Heath says that Zoey should use her super special awesome element powers and kill all the ghosts since they’re killing humans, but Zoey doesn’t want to. She says that they’re still students. Therefore, they’re more important that the multitude of people that they’re going to kill, I guess.

Then…the truly dramatic reveal occurs: NEFERET IS BEHIND THE GHOSTS’ ACTIVITIES!

Did you gasp, or was that a yawn?

They leave, Zoey calls the police to tell them that stuff happened finally, Neferet shows up, and Zoey basically tells her that she has told the police things so killing her would be suspicious. Then Neferet does the next best thing and erases memories.

Then she has a vision of Nix, who tells her what a good job she did (of something) and hugs and kisses her before telling her to wake up.

Well, that was pointless.

The policemen with the vampire sister and her talk, they find out that Zoey had memories erased, and then everything continues as if Neferet hadn’t done this thing which was supposed to be dramatic but wasn’t.

Well, that was pointless.

She makes up a stupid story about a crazy homeless guy and goes back to the House of Night, refusing all police help. Because the police are stupid and male and human. She quickly makes sure that Neferet knows that she’s not brainwashed anymore, and thus completely ruins any protections that she had and flounces off.

The end.

No, there is nothing actually resolved in this book. You’ll have to wait for the next one.

Characters

Zoey has somehow managed to reach new levels of obnoxious. She was already a raging Sue, but this time she’s insufferable, flat states that she’s the most special vampire ever, and actually considers herself justified in having a relationship with three guys at the same time. Not only that, but she’s got the memory of a goldfish. EVERYTHING has to be constantly spelled out for her in the simplest terms or else she won’t comprehend it. My four year old niece would be able to understand what was going on before her.

Erik is probably the most sympathetic male character that I’ve ever come across, and this guy doesn’t even do anything. He’s just used and thrown away the second that someone else flirts with his attention deficient girlfriend, and then brought up as ‘oh yeah, he exists doesn’t he?’ If you want and example for the objectification of men in this book, look no further than Erik.

Aphrodite is in the confusing phase of her characterization. Now, apparently, Mommy Cast, as the one who can write, likes Aphrodite best of all her characters. It’s clear that what’s going on is that Mommy Cast wants Aphrodite to join up with Zoey’s sycophants, so she’s being made more sympathetic. But Baby Cast wants her to be the Scary Sue as long as she can manage it, so everyone is horrible to her. This only makes me like Aphrodite more. Of all the characters, she’s the only one who’s close to being a character in her own right. She’s alone, being psychologically attacked, humiliated and doing her best to survive with the knowledge that the person that she trusted turned her best friend into a monster. This is interesting. It’s to bad that we’re too busy listen to a girl whining about how hard it is to have three guys want her.

Neferet should have been a shock villain, but she wasn’t. She’s also not all that smart since she doesn’t either keep brainwashing Zoey or just kill her despite the suspicions. She’s a stupid villain, who might have been a creepy villain. It’s really too bad that nothing in this book is able to live up to any potential. But other than that, there’s really very little to her. Her character is flat and uninteresting, and even her backstory with her father is almost more an a taped on try to flesh her out than anything real. Rape as a backstory doesn’t really make a character more interesting. It’s actually kind of insulting.

Themes

Humans are icky.

Men are icky.

Vampires are cool.

If you don’t like someone that makes them evil regardless of any other factors that you don’t know about. Even if they’re being abused, have had much harder lives then you and you are really just mad that they didn’t like you first, they’re still evil. Thus you don’t have to worry about treating them like people.

Those are pretty much the actual morals of this series.

Student/Teacher Romance

A teacher in his twenties flirting with a sixteen year old is pedophilia. Period. There is nothing sexy about it in the slightest. Why? Because in this situation, the teacher is in complete control of everything.

Let’s say that at some point Zoey wises up and realizes that this isn’t a good idea. Loren has the ability to not only force her to stay with him or he’ll fail her, he can control her grades depending on how well she performs. There is NOTHING that she can do to stop him while she’s in his class unless she has the guts to report him, and even then things get sketchy. The fact that this is being portrayed as romantic is repulsive.

Now, does this mean that there is no way that a Student/Teacher romance can be done? Sure, but it has to be aware of the problems. Many times, both parties wait until the student isn’t their student anymore for things to get interesting, since that way the power issues aren’t there anymore. At the very least they have to know that this isn’t a good thing, and they have to act like this isn’t a good thing. There should be a struggle, and this has to be seen as something that no one should be doing.

Mechanics

Once again, it’s hard to see that the Casts have actually had a conversation with a real, breathing human being. The dialog is strange, awkward and sounds like a parody of teenagers rather than actual teenagers. The only one who sounds somewhat normal is Aphrodite, and that’s mostly by mistake. I’m pretty sure that Baby Cast didn’t realize it.

Setting

Oh boy.

This setting honestly doesn’t make sense. The problems that I mentioned in the last review are still there, but there’s a real inconsistency going on. For instance, vampirism is supposed to be a new thing that was just discovered, and yet every single famous person was either a vampire or influenced by them. There is nothing wrong with the masquerade, but only when the people are actively trying to stay out of the limelight. Otherwise, people are clearly stupid. I mean…there are all these women with a big crescent moon on their forehead. People are going to notice this.

Claiming that it was covered up by the patriarchy kind of makes them sound like a pair of conspiracy theorists hiding out in a room with tin hats on and refusing to buy anything that needs to be scanned because it’s the government’s way of keeping track of you.

Also, I’m pretty sure that many female writers, such as Jane Austen are not going to be amused by your claiming that she was really a vampire who worshiped a night goddess. In fact, I think that she’d be downright offended. These are real people, Casts.

Mythology and Religion

No.

I’d love to stop right there, but I’m going to go into things further.

One, these books have a double standard that I’ve only seen before in some of the worst written Christian Fiction that I’ve had the misfortune to stumble across. For some reason, Zoey is allowed to preach about her religion to the audience, talking about how she had her Goddess with her and constantly harping on how great her religion is, but all other beliefs are stupid and evil. Now, reverse this. If this was written as Zoey’s constantly talking about Jesus and sneering at a group that worshiped a goddess as being a bunch of cultists and hippies, everyone would agree that she was being offensive.

Moving on, the Mommy Cast and Baby Cast are, as usual, managing to shoot themselves in the foot with their ideas involving ‘All women from mythology were vampires LOLZ, but all the ebil men didn’t like them!’ Medusa, who was some earth powered vampire according to the Casts, had a tendency to turn people into stone. Now, in the myths, she couldn’t really help it, and for the most part she stayed on her island and didn’t bother people. She could easily be made into a sympathetic character, but by saying that she had control over this power makes her a true monster and her death at the hands of Perseus really great. Good job, Casts. Another one, Hecate, has, despite her having been nicely sanitized for the modern person, some really creepy rituals around her.

Well, to be honest, most of the rituals that I’ve had described to me would make university students blush, but the point remains, these are NOT shining examples. Worse, making them completely different than what they were in mythology not only makes everyone around you stupid for not knowing, but it actually takes away what made these characters interesting. Medusa was interesting BECAUSE she was a woman who was turned into a monster with snakes for hair who turned people into stone. Making her into a hot earth priestess just makes her boring

Next, the Cast ladies don’t seem to clear on a few things involving Nix. For a cliché mother goddess…she acts a LOT like Crystal Dragon Jesus. I’m not saying that she has to be evil, but making her look like a cheap genderflipped knock off of the religion being hated on doesn’t really impress me. Give her something else that interesting. Make her flawed like the Greek Gods, make her like Ishtar, beautiful but warlike, make her SOMETHING INTERESTING.

Literature

I’ve mentioned a few times that I don’t like it when people write about literature when they don’t understand it. I really, really don’t like it when people write about literature when they disagree with it, and are thus going to hate on it for daring to NOT go with what they want.

Brom Stoker, long long ago wrote a novel called Dracula. It was a story where one of the greatest horrors of the ancient world went against the modern world and ended up ultimately failing. But not to the Cast Ladies. In their view, it was a rival story, and if they were going to have their Sue species, they were going to have to take a dump on a story that is infinitely better written than theirs.

They not only take a dump on the book because it shows vampires as monsters as supposed to magical super women who worship the Mother Goddess like they want, but they take a dump on the character of Stoker, a man who never did anything to them and whose only crime is being male and not a vampire. According to them, he was a failed Imprint of some vampire chick who wrote Dracula as a revengefic because she rejected him.

This is not charming. There are flaws in the book. Major, major flaws, but just because it doesn’t fit into what you want, doesn’t mean that you have the right to make personal comments about the author. You could easily make it just fiction from a time when no one knew about vampires, but it almost sounds like Baby Cast got a bad grade analyzing the book, so now she’s going to punish it and Stoker.

Final Assessment

How this book manages to be popular alludes me. The main character is the most selfish little mewling quim that has ever graced print, the plot is stupid, the authors are allergic to anything that looks like character development, and there is nothing that is actually GOOD about this book, other than MAYBE Aphrodite.

There are few books that are actually worse than this one, and once again, be good this year, because if you’re not, Santa will bring you this.

And it’s decidedly less useful than a lump of coal. It won’t even burn for all that long.

Score: 1 of 10 (Aphrodite’s character is interesting)

Next up: Clockwork Angel

¹ One, this term isn’t being used correctly. It would be something like ‘Nature’s Struggle’ which makes no sense. But we all know why it’s being used: TYPECASTING! I’m so sorry to all Muslim readers. This is so offensive.

Comment [32]

Introduction and Drinking Game

Hello everyone. It’s been a long hiatus for me, I know. Unfortunately this isn’t a Halo update. I haven’t been able to find that book, and while I’m expecting to find it in my grand attempt at cleaning up, I’m not sure where it went.

I’m not as upset about it as I should be, but as I’m using it for my Capstone, it’s going to need to come up shortly.

Now, since I’m kind of using this to help me in this Master’s project, the nature of this spork is going to be a touch different. I’m going to take a slightly more scholarly approach to things. That doesn’t mean that I’m not going to be as snarky as possible at the same time.

Since I’m in possession of PC Cast’s own book were she talks about the folklore and myths that she’s using, there’s going to be a lot of discussion of that, as well as historic context, and other things that she thinks that she’s being clever about doing. Particularly when it comes to changing around pantheistic religions until they’re all mother goddess vampire worship.

However, just because I’m being brainy doesn’t meant that we’re not going to have some fun. Therefore, I happily introduce the House of Night drinking game!

1. Take a drink every time that someone that Zoey doesn’t like is treated like they are evil when they haven’t actually done anything wrong.
2. Take a drink whenever Zoey preaches.
3. Take a drink when things and people that Zoey likes are treated like they can do no wrong when they really aren’t all that much better than the things and people that Zoey doesn’t like.
4. Take a drink every time that Zoey is the best at something or acknowledged as special in some way.
5. Take a drink every time something from folklore, literature or mythology is misused.
6. Take a drink every for any time that tokenism exists.
7. Take a drink whenever a religion that isn’t the one that the Casts subscribe to is dumped on.
8. Take a drink for every incidence of ‘feminism’.
9. Take a drink every time that someone does something stupid.
10. Take a drink every time that Zoey whines.
11. Take a drink every time that the world itself makes no sense.
12. Take a drink every time something edgy is thrown in for the sake of edginess and ever really discussed.
13. Drink the whole bottle when the rules of the universe bend over for Zoey’s sake.

Once again, I recommend that no one actually use anything alcoholic when playing this game. It will result in liver failure. Use something like tea or coffee. Then you’ll only have to go to the bathroom.

Please note that I put quotes around feminism, because while the Casts certainly seem to think that that is what they are purporting, it reads like something that a fifteen-year-old would write on Tumblr on a bad day.

For any who don’t know: tokenism is when a character trait is introduced into the narrative for no reason other than to show how progressive the authors are. For instance, Alec from Mortal Instruments is gay, but the fact that he is gay is not only the extent of his character but also the extent of his impact on the story, and tends to constantly be pointed out. Basic test: if the character could be removed from the narrative and nothing important would change, you’re dealing with tokenism.

Now, I am going to be fair in this. Giving credit where it is due. Sometimes I think I can be a little over angry, and writing my own book has shown me that it takes a lot of work, and I have no doubt that this was the result of work. The question is if this work was well spent.

The Casts

So, as anyone who has read my own review of this book knows, The House of Night is a series of novels written by the mother/daughter team of PC Cast and Kristin Cast. PC Cast is actually an established author, having written such works as the Goddess Summoning series. Most of her stories seem to have similar heavy Wiccan themes, and from what I have gathered in researching some of their interviews, she honestly believes in what she’s writing.

So, unfortunately, for me, she’s a lot like the writer of Shadowmancer, who thought that he could proselytize while writing a good book, much like C.S Lewis did. This isn’t all that uncommon, as Philip Pullman and other writers have attempted to do the same exact thing to varying success. The problem of course is that Lewis was a very, very talented writer and PC Cast is, while decent, not to the same talents that Lewis had.

Kristin Cast, at the time of this book’s creation in 2007, was a communications major. There is nothing much to say about her other than the fact that PC has flat admitted that Zoey is based heavily on Kristin as a teenager.

Now, co-authorship is not easy. I am doing it with a very good friend of mine. If she and I didn’t have very similar interests and ideas, we’d probably have a lot problems, and sometimes, we have to make compromises. Also, there is the fact that we have to edit things together so that it looks like it has a pretty even flow. She has her ticks and so do I. With an experienced writer and an amateur, I can only guess that it was probably twice as hard.

Here, there are clear times when PC Cast takes over and clear times when Kristin does, and I’m going to discuss when I think those are and what the effects are.

So, let’s dive in.

Cover Impressions

So, I’ve talked about this cover before, and everything that I said stands. This this looks like porn no matter how I try to pretend that it doesn’t. What I’m going to talk about here is why it looks like porn, what it was actually trying to do, and why it doesn’t do it.

The first thing that really comes to the attention when looking at this thing is the fact that the majority of the book is taken up with black. While there are some nice little designs around it, it doesn’t change the fact that this is almost entirely blank space that could be used for something else. The title and the crescent moon are nice enough, and hint at something magical, but the only actual picture here is that of the girl in the upper left corner.

Or rather half of her face, which is staring at me in a way that I think is supposed to be sultry and mysterious, but honestly just looks kind of silly.

It gives me nothing about what the book is going to be like, what the tone of the thing is, or anything else. If anything, it’s promising me sex, since it is formatted much like novels such as the later Anita Blake books, where a woman in a sultry pose is silhouetted against a dark background. The fact that her visible eye is violet does add something to the idea of magic, since it’s a rare color, but honestly it seems more like it would be at home as a Gossip Girl book than what they’re trying to write.

As it is, there is nothing that tells me anything about their being vampires, magic or anything else. Even the girls in the prom dresses tried to set a mood!

Dedication

The book is dedicated to

our wonderful agent Meredith Bernstein, who said the three magic words: vampyre finishing school. We heart you!

And yes, ‘vampyre’ is spelled with a ‘y’ in this book. I’ve mentioned it before, but I’m going to bring attention to it again.

I have no idea why they’re doing this. I looked at the book that I got that was supposed to help me know about mythology and nothing came up. I assume that it is merely because the Casts would like very much not to be connected too closely to the folkloric vampire, or possibly just be connected to the older spelling like in The Vampyre by John Polidori.

That’s probably for the best if it was a distancing.

The vampyres aren’t anything like the real thing.

The ‘we heart you’ feels as if the Casts are desperately trying to be hip.

There is nothing more than that to family, friends or anything else. That’s going to show up in the acknowledgements.

Acknowledgements.

So, the first person that the Casts thank is a student called John Maslin who apparently helped with research and giving feedback. So, he basically made crap up and told them that the book was great.

She also adds

A big THANKS GUYS goes out to my Creative Writing classes in the school year 2005-2006. Your brainstorming was lots of help (and quiet amusing).

I don’t really know why the caps. I guess that a normal sized ‘thanks guys’ just wasn’t enough. I’m pretty sure that this isn’t Mommy Cast taking classes, since she’s already an author. It’s very possible that she was teaching and allowed her class to see some segments. That’s not really cricket, but I’m never seen anything that is overtly against it. Though I’m sure the students were more worried about their grades.

Also, I’d be interested in knowing what level this was. Creative Writing courses on the 200 level tend to be “I need credit and this looks easy” while the upper levels tend to be for more serious writers. The Writer in Residence at my college refuses to teach anything that is below 400.

Both thank one another for being wonderful people, and frankly it looks a little self-indulgent. Then again, I suppose that they both think that no one is actually going to read this, so who cares.

Finally, both thank Dick Cast, who is PC’s dad and Kristin’s grandfather for

the biological hypothesis he helped create as the basis for the House of Night’s vampyres.

So, basically the explanation that comes up, but honestly doesn’t make all that much sense within the narrative. I wouldn’t be all that grateful for that personally, but that’s just me.

So, that is the acknowledgements. It’s pretty short this time, so I’m going to let things go. In the next part, we meet Zoey Redbird, her friend, and things get started.

Chapter 1

The story begins with an exerpt of Hesiod’s Theogony discussing “the Greek personification of night”, Nyx.

“There also stands the gloomy house of Night;
ghastly clouds shroud it in darkness.
before it Atlas stands erect and on his head
and unwearying arms firmly supports the broad sky,
where Night and Day cross a bronze threshold
and then come close and greet each other.”

Now, there are already some problems, since the text claims that this is a poem to Nyx. This simply isn’t true. Theogony is much more complicated than that. Given that the name means “birth (or origin) of the gods”, Hesiod is essentially recounting the entire early saga of the gods. Nyx, or Night, is certainly mentioned, usually as “gloomy Night” and other such ominous titles, including evil in one translation, but she bares little importance on the main poem. Night is the daughter of Chaos, who along with Earth, and apparently Eros (seriously, look it up) was without origins. She was a primordial goddess, and therefore, she would have been seen as scary powerful, but at the same time, she was pretty uninterested in humanity and even the things that Zeus was up to.

As long as they didn’t affect her or her children.

If you’re wondering how that fits into the idea of Eros as the son of Aphrodite, don’t ask. A lot of gods have multiple origin stories. Kind of like how Hesiod claims that Cerberus has fifty heads.

While she appears through the poem, mostly because she is the mother of Day, Aether, Death, Sleep, Doom, Dreams and Fate, and she is certainly an important goddess for the origins of the world, she isn’t really a big focus. The majority of the poem details the rise and fall of Cronos, leader of the Titans, at the hand of Zeus, his youngest son and how the world was set up. Hesiod was more interested in discussing the gods who directly affected him.

Night herself disappears about halfway through, and even this mention of her gloomy house, is in reference to how the world will be set up, with Atlas holding the sky so that Night and Day may pass and order be maintained.

But we all know perfectly well why the Casts are using that line: “House of Night” sounds cool. I mind that a lot less than the sheer academic dishonesty of the Casts claiming that Theogony is a poem to Nyx, a very minor goddess in the Greek pantheon.

Which means that we’re not even in the first chapter and we’ve got a drink. \~/

This doesn’t overly bode well on how they are going to justify Nyx as a major goddess, but it is time to jump into the plot proper.

The story begins with a pretty good hook.

Just when I thought my day couldn’t get any worse, I saw the dead guy standing next to my locker.

Credit where it’s due, this is a good hook. It shows that something is about to happen, makes the reader wonder how the speakers day stank and why there is a dead guy standing at the speaker’s locker. It also implies that this isn’t as mind-numbingly terrifying as it would be in the real world.

It goes downhill quickly.

The speaker, after this interesting hook, goes on to complain about how their friend, Kayla was talking so much that she didn’t notice him, which is

more evidence of my freakish inability to fit in. (1)

for some reason. This is pretty common in YA, since readers often feel alienated from their peers, the protagonist is usually pointed out as being something of an outcast, and not like all the other people. Everyone’s written this. Honestly, even I have and continue to do so, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the trope as such. It can be used well, and it can lead to interesting characters. People side with an outcast. The problem is how this is handled. It’s just flat stated less than a paragraph in. What’s more, there is no evidence for why Zoey isn’t able to fit in. For instance, we don’t even get the age old ‘she doesn’t like shopping’ as a justification.

While I have no problem with this trope at all, you have to justify it. If Zoey was a huge nerd who liked to collect anime stuff or play video games or read less popular fantasy, I could see it. If she was into woodshop and liked to design things, I could see it. But the thing that makes it hard to fit in is usually situated in interests at this age.

Actually, all the evidence speaks of her being just like every other teenager in existence.

For instance, in the next bit Kayla is complaining that Zoey is being too hard on her boyfriend, Heath. She claims that he didn’t get “that drunk” at some party. Since she is dating and clearly has friends, as far as I can see, Zoey fits in with her general society just fine.

Zoey ignores Kayla and mentions that she feels sick, but brushes it off and makes a joke about her biology teacher probably saying that she was suffering from the “Teenage Plague”.

It’s not that funny.

Kayla continues her rant about how Heath has been being mistreated since

he only had like four—I dunno—maybe six beers, and maybe like three shots. But that’s totally beside the point.

No, no it really isn’t. Of course, this is to show that Zoey is in fact totally justified in her anger towards her boyfriend. The problem is that no real person wouldn’t see this as a problem, which makes Kayla’s being irritated with Zoey show that she is the strange one. It just looks to me like a desperate bid for my sympathy. It just makes me wonder about the Cast’s view of reality.

Kayla goes on to state that he wouldn’t have drunk so much if her parents hadn’t taken her home right after a game, and thus leaving little Heath alone without a girlfriend to entertain him.

Here, Zoey agrees about the

latest injustice done against me by my mom and the Step-loser she’d married three really long years ago.

I’m sorry, Zoey, parents making their underage daughter come home when a party clearly has alcohol is not an injustice. Maybe not fun, but certainly not an ‘injustice’. \~/

I’d be a lot more sympathetic if it was clear that we were supposed to think that Zoey was being overdramatic.

Moving on from spite for her stepfather to spite for her friend, Zoey complains that Kayla is talking again (she calls her K-babble) how it was totally ok for him to drink since he’d just won a game and since Zoey’s “almost boyfriend” who clearly thinks that he’s her boyfriend but is being specified as such so that when Zoey treats him like crap later, it’s totally justified, is the quarterback, it’s right for him to celebrate.

Zoey’s dislike of it, isn’t really the fact that it’s the fifth time that he’s drunk, nor is it that he’s clearly starting to become more and more of an alcoholic and forgetting all of his ambitions. No, the real reason to be unhappy is

he’s going to get fat from all that beer. (2)

\~/

This is something that Kayla agrees with, since clearly having a beer gut is far more important than anything else that has been mentioned here. It gets aggravating since despite already complained about the beer gut, Zoey decides to whine about Kayla’s “typical shallowness” ( \~/ ) and Kayla, completely unaware that her friend is indulging in her superiority complex, jokes about her looking crabby while sick.

Then we finally get back to the fact that there is a dead person. Zoey corrects herself, which sounds strange in the narrative, admitting that he’s not really dead, but rather he is undead, and gives us this description:

There was no mistaking what he was and even if I hadn’t felt the power and darkness that radiated from him, there was no frickin’ way I could miss his Mark, the sapphire-blue crescent moon on his forehead and the additional tattooing of entwining knot work that framed his equally blue eyes. He was a vampire, and worse, he was a Tracker.

So, he essentially looks like this:

Only more girly. \~/

Also, note how the Casts have a thing with Capitalizing random Words. It’s supposed to make them more important, but it makes me wonder why ‘Mark’ is capitalized when ‘tattoo’ is not. As they are both clearly significant to his being a vampire.

And no, I’m not using the ‘y’. I have my dignity.

So, since Trackers are apparently significant in a bad way, though we haven’t had any explanation of that while we were focusing on an off-screen character’s beer gut, Zoey freezes up. Kayla doesn’t seem to see him. Which raises questions. Are trackers only seen by the person that they Mark? Is there a reason? Does that mean that the Trackers are real or just figments of Nyx?

Sadly, the answer to these questions remains an unknown.

The vampire talks, and…well, look at this.

The vampyre spoke and his ceremonial words slicked across the space between us, dangerous and seductive, like blood mixed with melted chocolate.

“Zoey Montgomery! Night has chosen thee; thy death will be thy birth. Night calls to thee; hearken to Her sweet voice. Your destiny awaits you at the House of Night!”

Tehe “slicked”…

So, anyways. Yeah. This has…problems. So, the description of the voice as blood and chocolate is both cliché by this time and also kind of nonsensical. I assume that the Casts are trying to show the dangerousness of it with the seduction that can be associated with chocolate, but in reality, the simile just sounds lazy and completely unnecessary. It’s also strange since Zoey is aware that this is ceremonial.

Finally, the actual speech, if you read it, is both poorly written and kind of creepy. ‘Will’ doesn’t work here, since we’re presumably using an older form of English. The correct word would be ‘shall’. If you’re going to rip off King James Bible English, at least do it properly.

As far as creepiness goes… Well, note that Zoey has absolutely no power over her transformation at all, and given that it’s got religious undertones, it’s a lot like a kind of forced conversation.

So, Zoey faints, and the next thing she knows is waking up to a very upset Kayla. Kayla, who ignores Zoey’s obnoxious comment about her looking like a fish tells her that she’s been Marked, while crying. Kayla’s reaction is PC Cast’s work most likely, and it works well. Her tears and reaction are nice world building, showing that, to the human world this is not only a big deal, it’s seen as a tragedy. The problem is what happens right afterwards. Zoey, being a jerk, whines that Kayla is crying and tells her to stop. ( \~/) When Zoey reaches out for her she

automatically cringed and moved away from me. (4)

This could make sense, if we had any kind of indication that she was suddenly terrified that Zoey would try to attack her and drink her blood. The problem is that so far, Kayla has not treated Zoey any differently.

Zoey is hurt by the cringing and Kayla complains about how she’s turned into a vampire and that’s horrible because “who am I going go to football games with?” (4)

…what? ( \~/ )

Kayla, your friend just became one of the legions of the undead. I think that you need to be worried about a lot more than just that. Of course, this is just to make Kayla seem more shallow and all, but it doesn’t feel natural. Even the shallowest of shallow characters needs to be able to react to problems in a way that feels natural. It would be more natural if she had acted very upset and confused, and talked about how terrible that it had to be for Zoey, but also ran off the second that she could with a poorly veiled excuse, but the selfish comment here just sounds as if the Casts wanted to show that Kayla was shallow, but not build on it, which really is a shame. It would have made Zoey slightly more sympathetic if she truly felt isolated from humanity.

So, Zoey whines about how she wants to cry, since Kayla isn’t moving closer to her, but doesn’t. Then, in the tone of the greatest of martyrs comments

I was good at hiding tears. I should be; I’d had three years to get good at it.

Well, aren’t you the tragic little princess.

As this is completely given no context for, it again sounds like a whiny, overdramatic teenager being whiny and overdramatic.

\~/ \~/

Since we’ve been making Zoey sympathetic (or at least trying to) we can listen to her judging the plebs. Essentially she spends a paragraph talking about how she doesn’t have to take a certain test, now, and if she hadn’t been studying for it like a good guy, she’d have been waiting for the bus, and listening into people’s private converstions. Her “stupid, Barbie clone” (4) sister who doesn’t seem to have a name is mentioned once, and Zoey is grateful that the only one who has seen her getting Marked other than Kayla is, and I quote

a tall thin dork with messed-up teeth, which I could, unfortunately, see too much of because he was standing there with his mouth flapping open staring at me like I’d given birth to a litter of flying pigs. (4-5)

\~/ \~/

Now, I remind you, this is our outcast heroine, who we are supposed to support. Who is supposed to be a kind person who represents the average ‘good girl’.

But that’s none of my business.

Zoey spends a good page wondering if vampires are going to be as stereotypical as the people at her highschool are (don’t worry, Zoey, you’re going to get a nice, PC group of friends) such has having preppy vampire cheerleaders or vampire dorks. Personally, I might find it amusing for a Mary Sue like Zoey to be turned into a vampire and find that everyone is a mega nerd and that the school has organized D and D tournaments, LARPs where the only race forbidden is vampire, there are school trips to conventions, and suddenly the people that she spent her life judging as less than her are the mainstream.

Of course, that would be vaguely interesting, which this book is not, and Zoey, our ¬outcast heroine who can’t fit in, whines about how Emos and Goths have an “aversion to soap and water” and how she doesn’t have a desire to wear too much eyeliner. Yep, even here the Gothic Movement is unloved.

\~/

So, moving back to the plot, Kayla asks if she’s ok, but she’s scared of Zoey, and we randomly get the information that Kayla and Zoey had been best friends since third grade, which they sure don’t sound like, and Zoey tries to convince Kayla that it’s still Zoey.

I have a theory that Kayla just realized what a jerk you are and being a vampire has nothing to do with anything.

So, Kayla’s cell rings (and the ring tone is ‘Material Girl’ in case you wanted more proof that she’s shallow) ( \~/ ) and it’s the plot calling in the form of Kayla’s boyfriend. The Casts again shoot themselves in the foot by having Kayla asking Zoey to call her, and she vanishes from the plot.

Which means that we have a few pages of Zoey thinking about herself, and some very clumsy world building.

So, we are informed that when you are Marked, you have two options, you will either become a vampire, or you will die. If she survives she has to go to the House of Night, which her friends call “Vampyre Finishing School” (6) where she learns how to be a vampire.

Of course, there’s another problem right here. This isn’t a finishing school. This is a prep school. There’s a difference. A finishing school is, one, usually all female, and two mostly concerned with getting out ready to face society. Given that Zoey and her little cronies never actually go through the polite way to ask someone for permission to bite them or how to excuse yourself from a fancy party before the sun comes up, I see very little of that.

So, while the idea of a classy school were vampires go is…stereotypical, it doesn’t work in this context.

So, yeah.

She whines about not wanting to do either (which is understandable so I’ll avoid the drink this time) but manages to lose that when she complains about the “burden of my mega-conservative parents, my troll like brother, and my oh-so-perfect sister” (6) ( \~/ drink up, lovelies) and how she wants to be a vet and fit in (which again she’s actually doing a very good job of). After tragically whining about her home not being home anymore ( \~/ ) she complains about having to leave her friends.

This would be a whole lot more convincing if she clearly didn’t even seen to like her ‘best friend’.

So, woe is Zoey. She decides to move her hair so that it covers her new mark, but stops at the entrance of the school where she sees Heath, her boyfriend standing there with a bunch of other people, who Zoey doesn’t like because they’re not interested in her. We are introduced to characters who we’ll never see again like “Kathy Richtar, the biggest ho in school” who hasn’t really done anything other than flirt with Heath, and since Zoey does not admit to dating him, there’s nothing wrong with this behavior.

\~/

This is actually a depressing frequency in these books. Zoey refers to other girls, usually the ones that she doesn’t like, as ‘hos’. Particularly if they actively pursue a man and show interest in them. Because somehow, this makes them stupid. Now, this is, in my view, one of the strangest aspects of the Casts’ brand of feminism, possibly coming from them apparent intense hatred of and desire for men.

“While men are stupid and anyone who likes them is stupid, how dare this girl be competition for the men that I so rightly deserve.”

At least, that’s what I think that they’re doing.

Since she’s done crapping on her schoolmates for not being as good as her, Zoey reminisces on the last time that she saw a Tracker at the school. Apparently, they caught an unnamed guy in first period, who Zoey saw running from the school in tears and

“I never forgot how crowded the halls had been that morning, and how everyone had backed away from him like he had the plague as he rushed to escape out the front doors of the school. I had been one of those kids who had backed out of the way and stared, even though I’d felt sorry for him. I just hadn’t wanted to be labeled as that-one-girl-who’s-friends-with-those-freaks. Sort of ironic now, isn’t it?

No, Zoey, it might be proof of Karma, but it’s not ironic. What’s ironic is that you were one of the faceless masses backing away and yet you get made at Kayla for doing the exact same thing. You just admitted that she would face societal stigma for associating with you now that you’re a vampire, and you will hardly be around for long enough to do anything, but you’re angry with her for reacting in a way that you’ve admitted is normal.

\~/

So, because we haven’t had this happen yet, and the Casts are trying to get some kind of bad writing bingo, Zoey goes to the bathroom and we get a page of Zoey describing herself.

So, here’s your sentence description: hazel eyes, long dark straight hair, pale.

Since she’s a Sue, you can probably bank on it that she’s petite and pretty and has a nice slight figure.

There is a lot about how she inherited a lot of features from her Cherokee grandmother, and I’m going to call the Casts out on their poor research. Native American Genetics 101: Most of their genes are actually recessive, meaning that since Granny presumably married a white guy, Mommy would look a whole lot more like her father than Granny, and Zoey, who also had a dad who was a white guy would be even more white.

This is how, in the past, kids who were half/a fourth Native American were able to pass quite well. Zoey would most likely not have “olive” skin, like she claims, and if she did inherit Granny’s hair, it would be big and thick.

How did I know this? My family has a good bit that’s Chippewa. My mom inherited the thickness of the hair. It doesn’t look “exotic”.

Now, there is nothing wrong with having main character who has a Native American heritage and is proud of it. Actually if done well, it would be rather refreshing. The problem starts when Zoey starts calling her features ‘exotic’. As if the Native Americans aren’t Othered enough in our society. \~/

Also, this line is…rather racist:

I stared at the exotic looking tattoo. Mixed with my strong Cherokee features it seemed to brand me with the mark of wildness…as if I belonged to ancient times when the world was bigger…more barbaric.

\~/ \~/

Well then.

From this day on my life would never be the same. And for a moment—just for an instant—I forgot about the horror of not belonging and felt a shocking burst of pleasure, while deep inside of me the blood of my grandmother’s people rejoiced.

\~/ \~/

Did you know that the Cherokee Nation had vampire legends? One of them is the Jumlin

I highly doubt that they’d be overly thrilled about a girl going off to join the legions of the undead.

\~/

So, that’s the first chapter. While it starts strongly with action and a good quick event, it quickly grinds to a halt with pointless dialogue, description and the introduction of what even some fans of the series call the most obnoxious POV character in existence.

In our next chapter will be reinforced that men are in fact evil, and so are Fundamentalist Christians (and maybe Mormons)!

Stay tuned!

Drinks: 20

Comment [16]

Welcome back everyone! In our last chapter we met Zoey, her ‘friend’ Kayla, who mostly vanished from the plot afterwards, and Zoey was turned into a vampire. In this chapter we are taught that men and fundamentalist Christians are all evil.

How’s that for tolerance?

So after Zoey is through looking at herself in the mirror, she waits around for everyone to be gone and then heads for her car. The moment that she heads outside, the sun starts the bother her.

Now, this isn’t a bad representation of the reason for the stories about why vampires around supposed to stand sunlight. Unfortunately, according to my research, there is actually nothing in folklore that actively talks about this. It’s mostly just there as an explanation for why vampires were only seen at night, but the folklore itself never even mentioned it. \~/

So, yeah. I wrote a Capstone that talked a lot about vampires. I learned stuff.

So, as Zoey is making a break for it, she runs into Heath in a scene that could actually be amusing or interesting if we didn’t have to hammer in the fact that everyone other than Zoey is either stupid or terrible (as long as they’re human).

Also, I’m going to point out something that the Casts do right. Cellphones exist. While this doesn’t seem like such a big deal, a lot of YA writers seem to forget that cellphones do in fact exist. For instance, having Bella Swan not texting Edward in New Moon and saying ‘hey im not ded lol’ or something. So, kudos to the Casts for actually being aware of the existence of cellphones and using them the way that people actually would.

This is going to be one of the few times when I give them credit for anything unironically.

Heath is sitting in the back of a friend’s pickup trunk, drinking with them and for some reason no teacher has noticed this even though there on school grounds and in plain sight. Somehow no one has showed up. I’m pretty sure some teacher would show up and tell them to come with them to the principle. \~/

But, not in Zoey-land.

So, Zoey tells Heath off for being insane enough to drink right outside of the school, and Heath replies that he is “crazy, ‘bout you, baby” (12) which doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense, and Zoey asks why they aren’t at football practice and is told that it’s canceled due to a victory the night before.

The next question would naturally be if there wasn’t a better place to drink, but Zoey mentions being sick, and Heath suddenly veers the conversation off in a different direction entirely as if he didn’t hear the whole ‘sick’ thing. Possibly so that the Casts can spring this on him in a slightly more dramatic way than noticing that Zoey has a Mark and flipping out.

So, instead, out of nowhere, comes this quote:

“Zo, really. Are you pissed or somethin’? Like, did Kayla say some shit about the party? You know I didn’t really cheat on you.” (12)

I thought that he wasn’t your boyfriend, Zoey? I didn’t realize that ‘almost boyfriends’ had to be exclusive to you even though you clearly aren’t committed. \~/

Since, you know, normal human men do this a lot. Now, if we had any normal human men who were portrayed otherwise, I might not whine, but…well…I’ll go on.

So, Zoey flips out since it’s obvious that he did cheat on her, and in her rage, and her Mark becomes visible. Heath at first reacts normally for a person. He basically is in denial and tries to find a way around it, suggesting that this is something for drama.

Of course, he manages to ruin it when Zoey denies that it’s for drama.

bq “But you can’t be Marked. We’re going out.” (13)

Being that this doesn’t follow anything that any human being with two brain cells to rub together would say, I feel slightly insulted that that is the best that the Casts can do to make me think that Heath is an unworthy candidate for Zoey’s affections. Now, this could be written off as the fact that Heath is both very drunk and panicking so he is just saying stupid stuff, but we know it’s not. \~/ .

Zoey responds that they’re not going out (Then why are you whining about some other girl trying to get his attention or his ‘cheating’? Either you are going out, and thus another people trying to make out with your boyfriend is not acceptable, or you are not exclusive and thus you have no grounds for whining \~/) and starts coughing. The stupid conversation continues since the guys say that she needs to stop smoking. This weird little detour exists for us the readers to know that, as Heath so eloquently puts it: “She don’t smoke. She’s a vampire” (13). \~/

Who talks like this? I mean it. I don’t care how drunk Heath is. No one talks like this. This is a just a really, really awkward infodump that exists to tell us that Zoey is a good girl who doesn’t smoke or drink, so she’s Just Like You. And that Heath isn’t good enough for Zoey.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with a heroine who’s a good girl. There really isn’t. What’s wrong with this is how it’s being done.

Also, this is another very frequent theme of these books. The Cast ladies do not like weed. At. All. They will halt the narrative as a way to tell you how little that they like weed and have a PSA about how smoking pot will ruin your life completely. I don’t really get the fixation, honestly. Regardless of my feelings on the legalization of marijuana, this kind of way of dealing with it is terrible.

Novels are not soapboxes. You cannot use them to preach your world view unless you are very good at it. The Casts, unfortunately seem to think that they are very good. They’re not.

So, moving right along, Zoey, regardless of the fact that she was whining about how Kendra was acting like all the other stupid people and avoiding her, whines about the fact that Heath actively defends her.

Make up your mind, Zoey. \~/

The friends, who have names but aren’t really worth recounting, call Zoey a freak and suddenly all the ‘anger and pain’ from Kendra’s shying away her bubble up and she tells them to go away, dropping a few f-bombs along the way.

Keep that in mind for later.

She flips out and starts screaming at all of Heath’s friends, scaring them, gets a rush of power from essentially tormenting someone who is, canonically, weaker than her, and only Heath serves to snap her out of it.

The dudes in the truck leave and in their hurry, Heath manages to fall out of the truck, making him bleed. Zoey, manages to have the basic human decency to run over to help him, but then she smells.

hot and sweet and delicious. (14)

and she gets the bright idea that it’s cologne, since the Cast ladies don’t want to admit that she’s attracted to blood just yet. Now, later on, the Cast ladies say that most baby vampires aren’t attracted to blood until much later, and Zoey is maturing quickly. However, at this point, she’s just another fledgling. So, this is actually a world building error. \~/

Moving along, the blood is apparently so very sexy that both Heath and Zoey start getting turned on by it, and Heath admits that he’s in love with Zoey and he wants to get back together, and Zoey admits that they’ve been making out together for over a year.

Now, the Casts are being ambiguous about Zoey’s relationship for good reason. For whatever reason, it seems to be an unofficial rule that the heroine cannot have been in serious relationships before the story begins. While never having been in a relationship is the best, having some non-serious ones can be ok. I guess that it’s not true love if you’ve liked someone before. Yet, the Casts also want to show that there is nothing wrong with dating multiple men, so they are…confused.

Since Zoey is about to make out with have sex with eat Heath, Heath’s friends suddenly drive by and get him, call Zoey a freak and vanish from the series, never to be seen again.

Zoey is hurt and goes into her bug. I actually want to mention this. Zoey’s bug is vintage. Most parents would never allow their sixteen year old to drive in a vintage car without airbags particularly not a vintage car that is actually worth a good deal if it is in good condition. This is, while a good attempt to try to give Zoey quirks, not acknowledging the reality of the situation. Particularly not when Zoey is supposed to be ‘abused’. With that kind of car, she sounds like a spoiled rich girl who is complaining that her mommy didn’t buy her enough \~/

So, we get a break, and Zoey has arrived at the house. She wangsts about knowing what’s about to come, and the fact that she suddenly has realized that she was attracted to Heath’s blood and then we get into the joys of Zoey’s family.

Zoey mentions with plenty of spite that Sister is probably at cheerleading practice and brother is playing Delta Force: Black Hawk Down. Amusingly enough, Zoey treats this like it is the most violent game to ever be made when it was rated a T when it came out. At least if the Casts want to take the ‘gaming is evil’ route, they could bring in Grande Theft Auto or something that actively contains content which is questionable rather than the simple
“Um ew” which Zoey seems to think is explanation enough.

Look Zoey, I know that you don’t have hobbies, but there’s no reason to be jealous.

Mommy is sitting in the living room reading Chicken Soup for a Woman’s Soul (which should actually be the Woman’s Soul) like a good stereotypical Christian woman. Zoey whines a little about how her mom used to be cool, read ‘exotic romances’ and wear make-up but now her husband won’t let her.

I’m not sure if Zoey is referring to novels set in exotic places or porn. I’m going to assume porny harlequin romances with the half-naked dude holding the chick on the front, and John basically said that it was trash.

So, she calls her mom, Mommy is busy reading until Zoey refers to her as ‘mama’. Which is probably supposed to be endearing, and she looks up and asks what’s wrong and refers to Zoey as ‘baby’.

This really doesn’t make sense since Zoey is canonically the middle child, but whatever.

So, since we are supposed to hate Mommy, the first words out of her mouth when she sees the mark is

“Oh, God. What have you done now?”

Please note the victim blaming and reference to God’s name in vain. I’m sure the Casts think that this is very clever.

\~/

We get a rather pointless comment from Zoey about how it was done to her, and Mommy is too busy flipping out about what her father is going to say to notice.

This prompts Zoey, rather than to focus on the topic at hand, to give us an info dump.

I wanted to scream how the hell would any of us know what my father was going to say, (comma splice) we haven’t seen or heard from him for fourteen years! But I knew it wouldn’t do any food, and it always just made her mad when I reminded her that John was not my “real” father. So I tried a different tactic—one I’d given up on three years ago. (17)

Then why are you doing it? \~/

This is a very awkward way to tell us that Zoey’s father is gone from her life. One of the reasons for it is because the Casts are trying to give as much information as possible in a very short amount of time, and in doing so, they’re making their dialog and their scenes weak. This information isn’t important to the scene, nor does it really come up much. It should have been given passingly later. We are already aware that Zoey has a stepfather. That is enough at the moment.

The tragic thing that Zoey has given up on asking her mother is simply not to tell her father. Which, when considering the fact that she’s going to die unless she goes to the House of Night, makes no sense whatsoever. Mommy points out that it can’t be hidden, and then Zoey points out just what I did, but lacks the awareness that her absence would likely be noted.

Mommy has no idea what to do, and then we have one decent section in this mess of a scene.

I felt a rush of fear at the panic in her voice. Wasn’t she the mom? Wasn’t she supposed to have the answers instead of the questions? (18)

Now, this is, for YA, a good idea. We have an instability. Zoey is a child and has thus always depended on her mother at some level. Suddenly, she’s dropped in the situation where she has to see that parents are fallible. However, this is weakened by the fact that we’re told from the beginning that Zoey and her mother have problems and that Zoey is fairly independent. This realization should have already happened.

Mommy, who doesn’t have a first name at this point, completely derails the conversation and accuses Zoey of wanting her to lie to Hubby. Again, this is trying very hard to make Zoey sympathetic, but doesn’t follow the path of a human conversation. This isn’t to say that you can’t show tremendous tension between a mother and daughter at the start of a book. For instance Dorothy Must Die gets into a conversation about how the mother sees her daughter as a parasite, but it follows a natural progression. This isn’t. It’s jumping around, Zoey is abandoning her voice as Mama Cast takes over, and it reads off.

So, Zoey says that she wants her mother to “be her mama” (18) and drive her to the school, and her mother gets annoyed about how Zoey is implying that she doesn’t act in the capacity for a mother. I would be getting annoyed by the fact that my sixteen year old daughter calls me ‘mama’.

“I think that’s the problem, Mom. You don’t care enough to be aware of it. You haven’t cared about anything but John since you married him.” (18-19)

Now, this is a heavy accusation, and the natural reaction would be anger on the mother’s part. Even if she was like this, and there’s really no way to tell, since we’re locked in Zoey’s head. Of course, if you actually look through it, it’s all heading back to the fact that John the fundie, is evil. Because he’s a man, and he’s religious.

\~/

But we’re going to meet John later.

Of course, rather than being angry, Mommy gives the most pathetic justification ever, which doesn’t even answer accusation. She’s been able to quit her job at Dillards, and now they have a nice house and bright futures.

This would be great other than the fact that it is the wrong response.

Of course, Zoey’s isn’t much better. She claims that she hasn’t paid any attention to her kids for years and

“Did you know that your oldest daughter has turned into a sneaky, spoiled slut who’s screwed half the football team? Do you know what nasty, bloody video games Kevin keeps hidden from you? No, of course you don’t! The two of them act happy and pretend to like John and the whole damn make-believe family thing, so you smile at them and pray for them and let them do whatever. And me? You think I’m the bad one because I don’t pretend—because I’m honest. You know what? I’m so sick of my life that I’m glad that the Tracker Marked me! They call that vampyre school the House of Night, but it can’t be any darker than this perfect home!”

I’m actually going to take this apart piece by piece.

“Did you know that your oldest daughter has turned into a sneaky spoiled slut who’s screwed half the football team?”

Again, we are seeing the Casts and their weird idea of feminism. \~/ Note, how Oldest Daughter (who I’m going to call Tiffany) doesn’t even have a name? Tiffany is just there to show how good Zoey is. Not only that, but they’re desperately trying to make John and Mom (who doesn’t get a name either \~/ for feminism) into hypocrites, but it comes off as false.

“Do you know what nasty, bloody video games Kevin keeps hidden from you?”

Again, what’s with the video game hate? This just strikes me as Zoey and the Casts demonizing something that they don’t like. \~/ The only game mentioned has been Black Hawk Down, which is, as I said, rated T. If it was higher rated, Mommy or John would have had to show their IDs for the kid to buy anything. This honestly reads like something from the eighties or nineties when people thought that video games caused violence and Satanism rather than the 2000s.

\~/

“No, of course you don’t! The two of them act happy and pretend to like John and the whole damn make-believe family thing.”

Maybe, from the fact that Tiffany and Keven seem to have hobbies and are doing something, they actually are pretty happy with their lives. After all, there is nothing but the word of Zoey to prove otherwise. After all, they took on John’s last name.

It’s not like we ever see either of Zoey’s siblings.

\~/

“so you smile at them and pray for them and let them do whatever.”

As someone who was raised close to a lot of very conservative Christians, this usually doesn’t happen. Particularly not since, later, it’s seen that John is in fact very serious. While I don’t care if they’re going to show problems with ultra conservative families, this is just a strawman argument, made because that Casts don’t like fundamentalist Christians (or maybe Mormons).

(It’s hard to tell just which group the Casts are taking pot shots at.)

\~/

“And me? You think I’m the bad one because I don’t pretend—because I’m honest. You know what? I’m so sick of my life that I’m glad that the Tracker Marked me!”

And know we finally get to the meat of the matter. This is the core of Zoey’s little rant right here. Made so that Zoey can run off to frolick with the vampires with no guilt whatsoever for leaving her family and never thinking about them again. Now, this isn’t always a bad thing, but here, it’s spelled out so clearly that it’s honestly kind of pathetic.

“They call that vampyre school the House of Night, but it can’t be any darker than this perfect home!”

No.

Zoey seems to be under the pitiful impression that growing up with a stepfather who is strict on her makes her abused, and makes this home ‘dark’. I’m sure that we’re supposed to agree and sympathize with her.

In reality all she sounds like is a spoiled, bratty little girl who can’t get over the fact that her mother remarried and life is going fine and this whole rant is a big “He’s not my real dad! How dare you not think about my feelings 24/7 and try to live your own life and be happy, Mom!”

The reason is simple: We have been given, at this point, no concrete thing to make us sympathize with Zoey. There has been no sign that Zoey is deprived of anything. There is no sign that her father has been anything other than strict. Her mother seems content with changing. Regardless of the comment that her husband doesn’t ‘allow’ make-up and porn, it might be a jerk thing to do, she seems to be alright with it, and there is no mention of any fights or anything else around it. Also, unfortunately, we never see him say these things. We just hear Zoey claim it, and Zoey could easily be unreliable. She’s clearly biased.

At this point, Zoey doesn’t really have a leg to stand on, and there is nothing here to show that she is actually abused.

If anything, she seems like she is abusing her mother.

And, to prove this, rather than actually try to work things out, she runs out in a huff, slams the door of her room and listens to emo music wishes her family would all drown.

\~/

Because that’s so much better.

You know, I’d love to see something from the other family members. Like somehow Zoey’s unbalanced or something, and this actually is a happy family, but the point of darkness is actually her.

So, after wishing death on her family for daring to try to be happy by doing things that she doesn’t like, Zoey whines about her mother calling John and calling her ‘hysterical’. I shudder to think what my parents would have done to me if I had behaved like this.

\~/

So, the mood abruptly switches with no mention of what happened, and Zoey starts worrying about the only thing that is actually important: her. I’m starting to believe that Zoey is a psychopath.

She dumps her school bag out, since she’s going to the House of Night and isn’t going to need it, and they probably have classes like “Ripping Peoples Throats Out 101” (19-20) which doesn’t have an apostrophe for some reason, and proceeds to pack, taking two black T-shirts because cliché, two pairs of jeans, one cami, and “tons of bras and thongs and hair and make-up things” (20).

Sounds to me like Tiffany isn’t the only one who gets away with wearing what she wants.

\~/

We get a good detail in the form of Otis the Shish, a stuffed fish that she doesn’t want to sleep without. I honestly really like this detail, since it is the only possession of Zoey’s that gives any indication that she has a personality. Otis is never going to show up again, so don’t worry too much about her having a personality.

At this point John (who is referred to as it by Zoey) has arrived and calls her down.

Zoey “squares her shoulders, coughed again, and went out to face the enemy” (21).

In our next chapter, we will see more tolerance of religions that the Casts do not subscribe to, and…that’s really about it.

Until next time, everyone.

Drinks: 18

Comment [16]

Welcome back everyone. Last chapter nothing much happened. We had Zoey be a twit to her boyfriend (?) and her mother and pack a bunch of thongs while shaming her brother for a hobby that she doesn’t like and her sister for essentially doing what Zoey wants to do.

This chapter does less.

I would like to apologize to all Christians, Conservatives and everyone who hates strawman arguments.

We start out with Zoey spending a paragraph to claim that while on first glance, John Heffer (who has a name which Zoey, our pinnacle of maturity, just has to make fun of) but he’s really not. Zoey also mentions that before they were married, Mommy’s friends called him handsome, but now that they’‘e married, Mommy doesn’t hang out with them because John doesn’t like it.

Or maybe they just didn’t have a lot in common anymore. That sometimes happens. Yes, I’m being the devil’s advocate here. Because no one ever bothers to challenge Zoey’s POV.

Particularly since Zoey flat says that she never liked him.

This is what people mean when they say ‘show don’t tell’. When we have Zoey telling us that John is an awful person, but so far we don’t have any actions of his to go by, it weakens Zoey’s narrative and actually makes it possible for her to be an unreliable narrator. After all, for all we know she is either wrong or lying, since we have no evidence either way.

I personally think that this is just laziness on Mommy Cast’s part, since she knows better. A lot of YA writers who also write for adults seem to think that they can get away with terrible work simply because of the fact that it’s YA, and apparently teenagers are stupid.

We don’t get much description of John. Only that he looks like most middle aged men

“has dark hair, skinny chicken legs, and is getting a gut. His eyes are like his soul, a washed out brownish color.” (21)

\~/

At least he has one, Zoey.

Adding to her current charming behavior, Zoey mentions how her mother is sitting on the couch next to him, clearly having been crying, and whines about how she’s “going to play Hurt Hysterical Mother.” (21)

\~/

Or maybe, you know, she’s upset by the horrible things that you said to her before storming upstairs and wishing death upon them.

It was pointed out last chapter that one of the problems with this entire situation is that it belongs later in the book (or even the series). Personally, I agree. Had we had signs throughout a book that this was happening, Zoey being ignored and even casually mistreated for no reason. The other siblings basically playing their parts, hiding just how miserable that they were for their mother’s sake. People pressuring Zoey to put up the façade. Every time that their mother grew a spine, John shutting her down. And then, towards the end, Zoey just explodes. It would actually be very satisfying.

Honestly, if we played it that way, the Casts could get away with a lot of Zoey’s horrific behavior as it would underlie a lot of deeper problems. Then again, that would actually require them to realize what a little brat that Zoey is being in this scene, and they honestly seem to think that I should be feeling sympathy for her.

If we wanted to talk about the problems of being raised in a household that you don’t share the beliefs of, it could have been interesting. Say that Zoey is questioning her faith the entire time, feeling awkward when they go to church, not really sure what she believes, wondering if what she is seeing is even right, not really able to just pretend for her family’s sake, but still loving them. It could have honestly been a testament to problems that people actually go through.

The problem is that the Casts want to rush through this so that they can get to the House of Night as fast as they can but still have a confrontation so that they don’t have to worry about Zoey’s family.

I honestly wish that they’d gone the Disney route and just killed the whole family and had Nyx save Zoey. It would have been less painful for me to read.

But no, instead, John Heafer begins his literary existence with:

“Get thee behind me, Satan!” he quoted in what I like to think of as his sermon voice.

I sighed. “It’s not Satan. It’s just me.” (22)

Well, you’re both spiteful and think that you’re better than everyone else, so I understand why he might make the mistake.

\~/

But I have a hard time seeing any human being starting a conversation with that unironically.

Mommy pipes up and says that Zoey really doesn’t have any business being sarcastic, but John tells her that he will handle it, calling her hon and generally being affectionate before going straight to the victim blaming and claiming that the reason that she became a vampire is because she was such a rotten person.

Sit on this one, guys. Just…remember it for later chapters and books.

\~/

Zoey mentions how there has not been any kind of clear reason for why people turn into vampires. She also sarcastically says how clever her stepfather is for realizing that it’s caused by bad behavior. But since her behavior according to her is “an occasional lie, some pissed off thoughts against my parents, and maybe some semi-harmless lust” (22) for some dude who doesn’t matter. I love it when Sues are so lacking in self-awareness.

It’s almost funny that the Casts honestly seem to think that there is nothing wrong with what we’ve seen of Zoey’s behavior to date.

Zoey claims that this was done to her, and every scientist on the planet agrees with her, and John, because Christians don’t like science, claims that

“Scientists are not all-knowing. They are not men of God.” (22)

I was unaware that men of God were all knowing. That’s a first. Also, I can think of a few of modern, high level, scientists who would be a little offended at their faith being invalided.

\~/

So, we get a little bit of info on John. He is apparently an ‘Elder’ of the People of Faith, a religious group that essentially exists for the Casts to dump on without having to own up to being jerks. This means that he’s something of a priest and gets a good living. Zoey claims that that was one of the original reasons that Mommy was interested in him. Zoey claims that he is an awful person, but her only example is that he is going to preach at her.

So, now we get the scientific reasoning behind the change. You know, the one that the Casts mentioned in their acknowledgements.

“It’s a physiological reaction that takes place in some teenagers’ bodies as their hormone levels rise.” I paused, thinking really hard and totally proud of myself for remembering something I learned last semester. “In certain people the hormones trigger something-or-other in a…a…” I thought harder and remembered: “a Junk DNA strand, which starts the whole Change.”

This is about as scientific as Peter Parker’s origin story.

Let’s look at this, shall we? Canonically speaking, vampires have magic powers. I know I’m bringing things up from later stuff in the book, but you need to consider this. Scientists aren’t stupid. They’re not going to be convinced that ‘Junk DNA’ is going to allow people to start throwing fireballs around. There is also the fact that vampires live for so long and avoid the sun. Also, what about the Tracker that showed up? Is he just a hallucination? Why would everyone hallucinate about a dude talking about a goddess? Is this ever even addressed? Are there vampires who allow themselves to be tested?

Why do they have to go to the House of Night?

If you’re going to have a scientific explanation, at least attempt to make it logical in universe.

Also, if it’s been around forever and isn’t a recent thing, people would probably believe that it was magic. There wouldn’t be a problem.

However, rather than raising questions like mine, John rants about how they don’t understand God’s rules.

So, aspiring writers, this is a strawman. Strawmen, to anyone who doesn’t really know, are essentially parodies of an idea of which the author disagrees with which are presented to show just how terrible the idea is. Any group can be turned into strawmen. A group of Atheists who know nothing about religion but hate it anyways, Republicans who are against any and all social programs and education, Democrats who are spoiled rich children who know nothing of the real world other than their bleeding hearts, essentially all of these are strawmen. They’re essentially a negative stereotype of an opinion that the writer doesn’t like.

Naturally, they’re always used so that the hero/heroine can logically tear them down.

I always have the sneaking suspicion that the War on Straw exists because the writer has never been able to win a battle with an actual member of the group that they disagree with.

Are there people who think like John? Yes. However, as a general rule, in fiction, it’s generally considered to be in bad taste to represent opinions by their worst examples.

John gets prissy about having to have things explained to him by a teenager, and Zoey’s brilliant snarky come back is that the way he dresses proves that he needs the advice. Because forty something men should dress like teenage guys.

Mommy cuts in again, asking him what the neighbors will say and what the people at church are going to say, and we finally get some reason for Zoey’s bitterness.

What annoys me is that THIS could have actually worked. Naturally, they didn’t seem to know how to pursue it.

John’s answer is that they are going to “give this to God” (24) by calling someone named Dr. Asher who Zoey mentions as the family shrink. I highly doubt that we are ever going to see this good doctor. Ever. It also seems strange that they would have a shrink if John doesn’t like science, but that’s just me.

\~/

And they decide to call the prayer tree together. Are we seriously going to bring up a ‘pray the gay away’ implication?

\~/

Zoey, whines that the shrink knows nothing about teenagers and that the Elders are coming and that she needs to leave for the House of Night that night. Mommy stands up and looks like she’s going to save her, but then John “put his arm around her shoulder possessively” (24) and she caves.

“Zoey, surely it wouldn’t hurt anything if you spend just tonight at home?” (24)

Clearly it would, since it seems to be well enough known in this universe that she’s going to croak if she doesn’t get to the House of Night quickly.

Cast ladies, making all of your characters stupid does not make your main character any smarter.

Another problem here, strangely enough. is that the Casts don’t seem to know what they want to do. Do they want to show Mommy as a woman so desperate for love and security that she would ignore the needs of her own daughter to please her husband? Do they want to show her as a flaky, uncaring person who’s only interest is in what the neighbors think? They seem to be trying to do both, but it’s very sloppily done. Strangely enough, John, for all that he’s being characterized as a one dimensional Christian bigot is actually a more consistent character. At least he is at this point. That vanishes very quickly.

\~/ \~/

So, Zoey realizes that, surprise surprise, they’re not going to take her (I really don’t see why she didn’t just drive herself in the second chapter but whatever) and she has another Author Induced Revaluation. In case you weren’t sure how to interpret this scene.

I suddenly understood that it wasn’t just about this Mark and the fact that my life had been totally changed. It was about control. If they let me go, somehow they lose. In Mom’s case, I liked to think that she was afraid of losing me. I knew what John didn’t want to lose. He didn’t want to lose his precious authority and the illusion that we were the perfect little family. As Mom had already said, What will the neighbors think—what will people think at Meeting on Sunday? John had to preserve the illusion, and if that meant allowing me to get really, really sick, well then, that was a price he was willing to pay. (25)

This is stupid. \~/

Don’t be so coy, Casts. Not at this part of the game. If you want a raging strawman, make a raging strawman. Right now your hesitance just looks stupid.

For one thing, if John wanted to ‘keep up the illusion’ of a loving family, he would want to make sure that he sent her to the House of Night so that everyone would think about how tolerant and loving that he was. At the very least he would have wanted a real doctor rather than a prayer tree.

So, make up your mind, is he a raging Christian stereotype or a raging stereotype about American suburbia. It can’t be both. This is the same problem with Mommy.

If you want to go the ‘he doesn’t care if I die as long as he’s right’ route, at least go the full distance and have him try to exorcize the demon out of her or something! If you want him to be super self-cautious about how the neighbors see him, you need to focus on that.

Make up your minds. Seriously, if you’re going to stereotype, at least do it properly.

Zoey says that she’s not going to go alone with them, seems to cave and says that she’ll go along with it, and Mommy, clearly thinking that this isn’t going to be serious as a sickness, says that maybe Zoey should lie down and have some NyQuil and she’ll feel better.

Now, I have some worldbuilding issues here. Being marked seems like it’s a common enough occurrence that there have been studies and publications and movies and other things that would have made what needs to be done common knowledge. The fact that they’re acting like it isn’t is either a major flaw in the worldbuilding itself, or it is supposed to show how stupid these two are. Honestly, given that Zoey herself seems to be forgetting that she’s going to die in this chapter, I think that this is a worldbuilding issue.

\~/

What’s more, is that by ignoring this themselves, the Casts have made it so that I am going to ignore it. The idea that John doesn’t care if Zoey dies is literally the only actual thing that she has against him, but she’s going to focus more on the fact that they made her feel bad.

So, I’m going to have to ignore it as well.

Zoey hugs her mom “wishing so damn hard that it was three years ago and she was still mine” (25) and tells her that everything is going to be fine.

Er…Zoey…I’m starting to not joke about the psychopath thing. \~/

So, after snootily telling John (who is the step-loser again) to put some powder to cover his head, she traipses up the stairs, heroically telling herself how she wasn’t going to cry.

And of course we’re given the line about how

I’m going to remember how awful they made me feel today. So when I’m scared and alone and whatever else is going to happen to be starts to happen, I’m going to remember that nothing could be as bad as being stuck here. Nothing. (26)

\~/

You self-righteous little spoiled brat. Trust me, I can imagine a few things that would be much worse for you than living with a jerk. Particularly when all you have to do is wait a two years tops, get loans, and get a place of your own. Including have to deal with actual vampires.

And you notice, the only thing that she cares about is not that they potentially put her life in danger. It’s not the fact that they put their neighbor’s opinions over her possible safety. It’s her feelings.

This is why I’m inclined to think that either the Casts desperately need to sort out their worldbuilding, or Zoey wasn’t in the danger that she seems to think that she was in.

Or Zoey needs to sort out her priorities.

Anyways, that’s the end of the chapter, and honestly, it’s a pretty pointless chapter that has major worldbuilding problems which are ignored in favor of their spitting their hate on John. In reality, everything in this chapter should have been scrapped. It adds nothing to the plot, and John being a shadowy figure might actually have been a better idea since we could hint that something did actually happen that Zoey doesn’t talk about.

So, next chapter, Zoey craps a little more on mindsets that she doesn’t agree with, and runs away to be with one of the biggest Magical Native American stereotypes that I’ve seen in modern writing.

Drinks: 12

Comment [9]

Welcome to another session of ‘chapters that really should have been cut, but the authors were too lazy to do so’. I understand that the Casts want to have some characterization before things get interesting, but every chapter should do something to advance the plot, and that’s something that the Casts are really having trouble doing.

The chapter starts with Zoey on her bed, listening as her mother talks to the shrink and then to her prayer tree.

Within thirty minutes our house would begin to fill up with fat women and their beady eyed pedophile husbands. (27)

\~/

And you wonder why people don’t like you, Zoey.

Moving on, Zoey whines about how they’re going to treat the Mark like a really big problem, anoint her with oil and pray that she stop being a pain to her family and that the Mark get cleared up too. She also whines about how she doesn’t want to be a ‘freak’ and then we get more inconsistency. \~/ \~/

This whole thing meant that I was going to be the new kid. Somewhere I didn’t have any friends. I blinked hard, forcing myself not to cry. School was the only place I really felt at home anymore; my friends were my only family.

Ok, there are three problems here.

1. Zoey has treated the only ‘friends’ that we have seen her interact with like crap and will continue to treat them like crap.
2. This is a bid for my pity, the problem is that, again, you can’t just throw things like that out there when she’s done nothing but act like a little monster towards everyone around her.
3. The primary problem that she is having is that she’s going to be ‘the new kid’ not that she’s a vampire. Not that she is turning into something that she’s been raised to think was evil. Not that she is dying. Not all of this is happening around her and she has no control over it. Just that she is being inconvenienced to meet new people who she doesn’t know.

I feel as though this is some kind of second draft, mostly cleaned up and ready for betas to read, but not for publication. Zoey’s characterization is everywhere right now. I think that this might have to do with the fact that the Cast Ladies differ greatly in their writing experience. Kristin (probably) is trying to make Zoey relatable to the reader, but it’s coming off as inappropriate. Just because most sixteen year old girls haven’t been turned into vampires doesn’t mean that they are unable to empathize. Most children weren’t locked into a closet by their aunt and uncle, but that didn’t mean that no one was able to empathize with Harry Potter.

\~/

Zoey continues whining about how hard her life is because there are going to be a prayer session and Dr. Asher is going to examine her and give her garbage about how her anger is normal, but she needs to learn how to channel it.

Someone, write me a spitefic about Dr. Asher’s notes about Zoey and how nuts she is. Please? This is BEGGING for it.

Zoey claims that because she was “the bad kid” she was prepared for this kind of thing. She’s snuck out and hung out with Kayla

Or, if I really wanted to be bad I might meet Heath at the park and make out. But then Heath started drinking there needs to be a comma here and I started turning into a vampire

\~/

On the one hand, the status of Zoey’s relationship with Heath is still shall we say…weird. On the other hand, I like the last sentence, other than grammar issues. The fact that Heath started drinking suddenly, and this caused major problems is good information, and, if it was clearly shown that it wasn’t that Zoey and Heath weren’t really dating, but rather that she was starting to struggle with the relationship, maybe because her actual father drank or something, the Heath thing wouldn’t be the problem that it is.

Anyways.

Zoey slips out the window, bragging that she’s done it before and mentions that she’s glad that her sister is still out.

Hell must have truly frozen over because for once I was glad my sister’s world revolved around what she called ‘the sport of cheer’. (28)

Oh boy, cheerleading potshots. \~/

You know, I kind of thought that this kind of stupidity was finished in the nineties, but somehow, no, it seems that everyone either harps on how all the girls want to be cheerleaders or only terrible people do.

Moving on.

She snitches her key, and sneaks through the gate of her house “like one of Charlie’s Angels” (29).

\~/

Once on the ground, Zoey whines some more about the fact that John doesn’t let her keep her car in the garage, and mentions how awesome her vintage beetle is, which just reminds me that she’s an entitled spoiled brat who is throwing a temper tantrum. Again, a vintage beetle in good condition is pretty expensive. Even if she had gotten it from a family member, they need to be maintained. The fact that she’s sixteen and has this kind of car shows me that she is less abused than she thinks that she is.

Showing about the same about of emotion as a turnip, Zoey leaves, and turns off her cellphone, all while saying how she was going to the person who really liked her, and wouldn’t see her as a monster.

Other than, of course, the fact that while her family seemed to think that she needed Jesus, there was no indication that they thought that she was a monster. None. They more or less seemed to think that it was a phase or something that she was going to grow out of. Even John for all of his ‘get behind me Satan’ garbage seemed to mostly think that she was just being a pain. Not a ‘terrible person’ but a pain. They don’t even go the full distance and try to exorcise her.

I have some suspicions about this. I think what we’re seeing is a conflict between the Casts. One of them really wants to drive home the idea that humans see the vampires as monsters, but the other one wants to have Zoey’s family issues be super, super relatable. In the end, it’s just a mess.

Also, this scene honesty could have been a lot more emotional than it was, and I feel a little cheated. I want to see the main character of a story hurt. That’s why it’s his/her story. People who don’t suffer are boring. People who can just walk away from this kind of family without any kind of emotional response are boring. \~/

I want to see drama.

So, we get a pointless scene break, and Zoey awkwardly transitions while mentioning that she’s getting sicker and her body is starting to hurt. She mentions that, even though the sun is starting to set, she still feels strange when it touches her, so she’s

glad that it was the end of October (there should be a comma here) and it had finally turned cool enough for me to wear my Borg Invasion 4D hoodie (sure, it is a Star Trek: The Next Generation ride in Vegas and, sadly, I am on occasion a total Star Trek nerd) which, thankfully covered most of my skin. (30)

This is the first that I’ve heard of the weather and the season actually. I kind of find that poor writing. Also, Zoey, don’t be sad, own your Star Trek nerd status, then you might conceivably have a personality. \~/

Also, this is implying that she’s been to Vegas. This has been have been before Zoey’s mom married John or else well…

I have trouble seeing a super conservative Christian being big on Sin City. \~/

World building should not be this easy to pick apart.

We have an honestly nice, brief description of Zoey’s grandmother’s house and how it makes her feel safe, and she heads up the stairs to see a not from Grandma Redbird about how she’s up on the bluffs collecting wildflowers.

Since the audience is obviously going to be wondering just who the note is for and why it’s there, Zoey makes sure that we are aware that Grandma Redbird (or rather Grandma Magical Native American) just somehow knows when Zoey is coming.

This is never explained.

It’s magic, I guess. \~/

I’m holding off on my ripping up of Grandma Redbird until we meet her. Wait for it.

Zoey whines a little more about how much she hates John, \~/ and sniffs the paper that the note was written on. She considers going inside because Grandma Redbird is an idiot who never locks her doors and is obviously just waiting for someone to rob her, but her angst about how she wants Granny to
“hug me and tell me what I had wanted Mom to say” (30) so she decides to go looking for her.

Let me repeat that. Zoey, who is going through a transition to a vampire and has said that she can’t stand sunlight anymore without it bothering her has decided to go up looking for her grandmother. In the sunlight.

\~/

She heads up to the bluffs, we get an overly sappy description about them ‘welcoming her home’, and because the Casts REALLY want to make sure we don’t have any sympathy for John and know that he’s really a one dimensional character, Zoey mentions that John does like her and thinks that she’s “a witch and going to hell” (31). \~/

I personally concur that she’s a terrible person, but I’ll get into that in another chapter.

Then, out of the blue, she suddenly realizes that since she’s ‘never going to see her family again’ John can’t tell her what to do anymore. This would have more weight if I’d actually seen abuse from John. Rather than preaching and saying that she needs professional help.

Then, because she’s an idiot, she’s

sent…into a spasm of coughing that made me wrap my arms around myself, like I was trying to hold my chest together. I needed to find Grandma Redbird, and I needed to find her now. (31)

Alright, two questions.
1. If you were so badly off, why didn’t you just go to the House of Night by yourself? You can clearly drive. Be an adult.
2. Why didn’t you wait in the dark for Grandma Magical Native American to show up?

\~/

Don’t expect sympathy from me.

Next chapter: We meet the most cliché Mother Goddess of all time, various mythologies (particularly Cherokee) are crapped on in an attempt to make all of them monotheistic, and nothing actually happens.

Drinks: 11

Comment [10]

Introduction

In fantasy, there are a lot of common mistakes. Some writers, like Paopao, have a habit of plagiarizing other, better, books and forgetting to file off the serial numbers so that everyone can’t see it. Others forget that just because they like the main characters doesn’t mean that the readers will.

These have been discussed on this site, and I don’t see a reason to go over them again at the moment.

There’s another, even more common problem that is cropping up, particularly with writers flirting with the idea of urban fantasy. I’m going to call it Lang’s Syndrome. This is the mix of lack of research and cultural osmosis that seems to cause writers to think that folklore stops at the border of England and in the movie theaters. However, before we can combat this disease, we must first understand both what Lang’s Syndrome is, the causes, the symptoms, and, of course, why it’s a problem. Then and only then can we discuss how to avoid it.

What is Lang’s Syndrome?

Lang’s Syndrome, named for the renowned folklorist Andrew Lang, is a little known but common affliction in fantasy writers. It takes the form of their either attempting to fit all mythologies into a single country’s mythology, usually Northern European, or it takes the form of the writer simple ignoring that the location that they’ve decided to write about actually has a rich mythology of its own.

As fantasy novels set in the modern world are becoming more and more popular, Lang’s Syndrome is also rising. Prior to this, it was only visible in the somewhat depressing tendency of writers to only include drawves, elves and dragons in their worlds along with maybe a few things from Greek mythology. It wasn’t really a problem, since that was what both the writer and the audience was familiar with, and it was the writer’s world. The problem started, not when people moved into the real world setting, but when they decided to move to the global setting.

For all that it is not well known, Lang’s Syndrome is a common problem. Writers such as Cassandra Clare are some of the best examples of the problem. Even writers that are otherwise brilliant, such as Naomi Novik and even JK Rowling herself have been affected to varying degrees.

What causes it?

The causes for Lang’s Syndrome vary from writer to writer.

Sometimes Lang’s Syndrome is brought on simply because the writer decides that their idea for a magical race is so good and so clever that they can use it in every country despite such things not existing or existing in a completely different form in said country. An example of this would be Cassandra Clare’s Shadowhunters hunting werewolves in China, a country that has no stories about werewolves at all, and completely ignoring their own creatures like the huli jing.

Sometimes it comes from assuming that the reader is an idiot. Andrew Lang himself seems to be guilty of this one. He seemed to think that his audience was only made up of nursery children, and these kids would be unable to take the idea of a magical race that was not part of their own native fairy tales. Hence dragons, ifrit, jinni, youkai, mannitou, and other distinct beings from various mythologies throughout the world were all called ‘fairies’ and scrubbed up so that they lost any of their distinctive traits in his works. Since many of the folktales that he used were never re-translated, this can be a real problem when you’re looking for stories or information that he translated.

Still other times, it’s a simple case of not wanting to do the research or only watching movies and creating from there. This is very common in stories about werewolves and vampires. The fact of the matter is that folklore is very varied. There are multiple forms of the same story, sometimes within the same culture. (If you don’t believe me, look up the origins of Little Red Riding Hood.) It might take a lot of work to research enough to come up with a spin that is both true to (some of) the stories, as well as a fresh spin on things. Watching the movies or using the favored view of the time is much easier, and even might mean some success, if only until someone does do something new, and everyone flocks to that.

Other times it is pure convenience for the writer. It is easier to have things work by rules that have already been established, or within the world that has been built than to have to work a new system into it, particularly when it adds little to the story. I believe that this is where Rowling manages to fall. She had a very set world that worked well in Britian and even worked in some more obscure things like hinkypunks, but her mention of the Chinese Fireball is a light case of Lang’s Syndrome.

What are the symptoms?

Here are come common clues to know that a writer has Lang’s Syndrome:

-Chinese and Japanese dragons that are scaly, reptilian, fire breathing, treasure hording, mountain dwelling and winged. As opposed to being wingless (usually) and serpentine in appearance, having manes, seeming to have some mammalian traits, being known to live either underwater or the sky, and being associated with the gods or sometimes actually being something akin to gods.

-Fairies which come from Ireland and are yet divided into the Seelie and Unseelie (or sometimes Summer and Winter) Courts despite their being divided into the Solitary and Trooping Fairies in that country and Seelie and Unseelie in Scotland.

-Werewolves that change at that full moon in areas were werewolves would either change at other, random times, every night, or when the person wanted to and are killed with a silver bullet.

-Native Americans from one tribe following the beliefs of another tribe.

-Youkai or other such creatures being referred to as demons.

-Monsters from western mythology being present in places like China when there are no records of them yet no mention of monsters from their own mythology.

-Vampires in China that are affected by garlic.

-Unicorns in Persia being seen as sweet and cute. Conversely, unicorns anywhere else being evil.

-A god/goddess from one religion being considered to be the same as a god/goddess from another (or the same) religion that does something completely different. (ex. Loki being seen as strictly ‘evil’ as opposed to a trickster who was well enough disposed towards people and badly disposed towards the gods.)

-Magic from one country suddenly being practiced the same way in another country that has never had any sign of this before

What are the effects?

The most troublesome effect of Lang’s Syndrome is that it give can the reader erroneous understandings of other people’s cultures, and the writing tends to have a subtext that the other culture is stupid. If nothing that the Russians believed about vampires was true in a novel about vampires set in Russia or where a Russian vampire is involved, why did they go through all the effort to make up rules that didn’t need to be followed? Why say that when you burn a vampire’s body, all kinds of animals try to escape from the corpse, and if one escapes the vampire survives, if, say, staking and burning the body was enough? The same goes when there are werewolves in China but no huli jing. Why talk about things that didn’t exist and ignore the things that did? Assuming that the the people in these cultures were relatively normal, they would probably notice a werewolf.

Another problem with Lang’s Syndrome is that the names that people use can cause problems. Taking out the folklore buffs who are going to be annoyed when a person decides that Thor and Coyote are the same god, words have meanings. If you call a cute little kitten a slug, the reader will always have a real slug in mind no matter how much you describe how cute the kitten is. The same basic idea goes for youkai vs. demons. To call a youkai a demon is the same as calling the Fair Folk demons. The moral ambiguity that both groups have is completely lost the moment the comparison is made. Also, it can alienate readers who, for whatever reason, aren’t interested in reading about good or at least goodish demons.

If taken too far, Lang’s Syndrome can even start to limit the author’s writing. Taking Cassandra Clare again, she only allowed herself to have demons, vampires, werewolves and Holly Black’s version of the Fair Folk in her stories. Once her writing left New York City, where the idea worked well enough, for the bigger world, she had boxed herself in. She did not allow herself to use the rich mythologies of other countries, and it was clear that it hurt her writing.

How is it prevented?

There are several things that a fantasy writer can do to avoid Lang’s Syndrome.

-Do your homework. If you want to write about the Scottish fairies, research them. If you want to write about Irish fairies, research them. If you want to write about how they’re both the same, research them so you can find a connection through the various stories, or find how similar they are and make up something logical with the material you’ve got. Not only do you get to sound smart and impress folklore nerds like myself, but you might stumble upon and idea or a trait that has been ignored by other writers that you can use.

-Don’t set the fantasy in this world. This is probably the easiest way to avoid the problem, and writers have used it since the fantasy genre was born. If the characters are in a world where all tribes do follow the same ideas, no one gets annoyed. This is how a lot of fantasy writers have gotten away with not knowing much about mythology other than Norse or Greek in the past, and it’s likely to continue for a long time. There is no shame in using this method, and if done well enough with a good enough plot and characters, it can even breath new life into the genre.

-Explain. Jim Butcher’s Faeries are divided up into Courts, but there are also things in the Never Never that are solitary that Butcher mentions. There is also a reason for why the Summer Court is better liked than the Winter Court and a reason why this isn’t necessary more than good publicity, so Butcher manages show that he knows his folklore and mythology and still do what he wants to do and interpret things the way he wants.

Limit yourself. If, for instance, you want to write about dragons, but don’t want to go into the eastern variety, don’t go to China. Focus on your dragons and your area of knowledge. This is what Dracula did. Stoker doesn’t have to pass a mention of jianshi or other kinds of vampires in his novel because the story honestly didn’t involve them and passing then through would be pointless.

Final Thoughts

Interpretations of folklore are great and some how brought new life to fantasy as a genre, but at the same time, we’ve all laughed at SMeyer for her vampires and werewolves. There is a line between an interpretation of a myth or a folktale and Lang’s Syndrome. One works with the material that is there, while the other does what it wants and denies the existence of anything that doesn’t fit into their ideas, often to the expense of someone else. A fantasy writer should have a good idea of the material that they want to work with, and something based in the real world, with all of its varied mythologies is going to take a little more work to get a working world.

Does that mean that you can’t write about vampires that are repelled by crosses in China? Not necessarily. Give a reason for why these methods also work. Articles of faith, regardless of what faith, repel the undead, maybe. There is plenty of room to move around. At the same time, you should, if you decide to write a modern fantasy that incorporates some kind of meeting of different cultures, know something about them and their myths and folktales. It will make your story stronger, more memorable, and even more interesting than Andrew Lang’s fairy books ever were.

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