Fair&Finn

Because the author has brought up copyright:

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Thank God that’s over and done with.

Allow us to introduce ourselves; I’m Fairhonanth, and this is my friend, Findabhair (pronounced “finn-UH-veer”, not “find a bear”). Hereafter, you’ll know us as “Fair”, and “Finn” for your convenience, also because we’re too lazy to type out our entire names time after time.

Finn: You know, Fair, when you gave me this name, you didn’t mention it was spelled so weirdly. Anyways, just so everyone knows, I’ll probably be starting my own separate account eventually, since I’m the real writer among us two.

Fair: Oh, har de har har. Real writer, indeed. I’ll have you know that I do write sometimes. Occasionally. Sometimes. Rarely… I write too, okay! Back to the spork.

Okay, so Finn’s telling me we should explain why we’re sporking this. The fact is, we think we may have found the next best thing to Maradonia. Not to mention the fact that the author himself is a Tesch, N.K. Stouffer, and crazy conspiracy theorist rolled up into one incredibly entertaining package.

Finn: You’ve never heard of him. His name is Steve Nelson. We came across him accidentally on Facebook.

Fair: So, after looking at his page for a bit and deciding he is completely insane, we noticed he has written a few books. Naturally, we decided to check them out, and after one look at these vanity published travesties we knew we needed to review (and eventually spork) them.

Finn: He didn’t respond well to the reviews. He ranted rather angrily and called them “Attack Pieces” despite them being rationally put and not needlessly attacking. But how can one explain the inner workings of one overcome by lunacy?

Fair: Okay, enough of that. As they say: “Show, don’t tell.” So now we shall show. Below you’ll find the book overview copied and pasted directly from the book’s page.

Overview

Nibly the Bear Vistis the People Town, is a fiction Children’s story for kids from 1 to 99. Nibly is unsatisfied with the food in his area of the forest and goes in search of some good eat’in in the quaint little town of Nelson, BC Canada. Nibly learns a valuable lesson there in the People town. The reader follows Nibly in his Fun adventures in the People town with this delightful story. By Steve Nelson

As if that wasn’t bad enough, there is indeed more to come. So now, from depths of Smashwords.com, we humbly present to you: Nibly the Bear Visits the People Town.

Dun dun dun duuun

Finn: I’ve actually been to Nelson briefly before. It was…quiet. Some of the buildings were interesting, if a little run down, however, this book truly does the town no favours. Also, even though this book is said to be a children’s book…well, you’ll see. It’s rather a sorry sight.

Fair: First of all, we have the wonderful information on the first page.

This story is a work of fiction. It is suitable for all ages. Every Amer-I-Can kid should read this story! The characters are productions of the author’s imagination and used fictitiously. The town of Nelson, BC however is a real place in Canada.

Finn: “Amer-I-Can” is a term he uses a lot. Looked it up, and it seemed to be a part of some sort of motivational/self-esteem campaign. I… don’t really see the point of using it here. It also reeks of self-promotion to say that every kid should read it. Although he obviously only cares about the American ones, despite the fact that this is a book about the Canadian town…

Fair: Not to mention that he emphasises all of the characters in a book about anthropomorphic bears are fictional. Isn’t that a bit… obvious?

Finn: Well, I suppose it’s a usual thing. I’ve read books where all sorts of crazy things happen, and it still insists at the front that it’s fiction. It is a drill for published books. However, this book is vanity published…

Fair: Yeah. Now on to the rating:

Rated ‘G’ Great For Everyone!

That remains to be seen. What are we getting ourselves into?

Finn: There’s only one way to find out.

Fair: I have no words…

Comment [78]

Nibly the Bear — Chapter 1… It begins.

Howdy friend! My name is Nibly the bear. I’d like to tell you of my visit to the people town of Nelson, BC. It was just this spring when the high mountain snows were dwindling fast in my area of British Columbia, Canada.

Fair: Howdy friend! My name is Fair the human. I’d like to tell you of my visit to an awful book called “Nibly the Bear Visits the People Town”.

Finn: No one says howdy in Canada — unless they’re being funny. Also, this whole style of writing makes me want to read it with a Texan accent. Also, how and why does a bear know or care about the names of provinces and countries? I’ve seen a good many bears. I think it really would never cross their mind. Bad characterization, right there.

Fair: “Dwindling fast…” That isn’t even correct grammar; it just makes the whole sentence sort of… clunk. Anyway, Nibly becomes bored eating the food he finds in the wild. Y’know, bear food — berries, fish, et cetera.

Finn: He complains about the streams being icy. Honestly, I don’t see why a bear would worry. They have an abundance of fur and fat to deal with it.

Fair: And so it was…

So I made myself a plan, and stopped by one fine day to talk about it with my friend Johnny bear. There he was! I had found Johnny busily tending to a huckleberry bush in his patch, which was right near his stand of wild raspberry bushes. Johnny came right now to give me some extra special advice.

Fair: Wow. It certainly didn’t take long to find Johnny Bear. There he was! Ready to give some “extra special advice”. Is it just me, or are these bears really creepy sounding?

Finn: This whole writing style makes me cringe. Also, I don’t think bears really “tend” to berry bushes. They just eat them. On another note, I love huckleberries. I think SNel… I mean, Nibly is just being picky.

Fair: So he speaks with Johnny bear for a few sentences, when we come across… Our first Random Capitalization™!

“Are you Serious?” exclaimed Johnny.

Fair: Exclaiming with question marks! What class! What style!

Finn: Why does Johnny have a human name? I mean, Nibly is bad enough, but if bears had names, I‘m sure they wouldn’t be human names.

But then Johnny thought a minute and then he launched into his best, bear buddy advice that he could give me.

Johnny put his arm around me and said;

“Well my friend, perhaps I can give you a little advice.”

Fair: To quote a commenter on the introduction: “Pedobear!”

Finn: You know, I don’t think adult wild bears outside of zoos and wildlife parks are very friendly with each other. Males especially are quite solitary and aggressive.

Fair: So Johnny bear goes on to tell Nibly that in order for his plan to work (It isn’t mentioned what said plan is) he needs to get a shirt and shorts. Nibly asks why, and we get this gem:

“Well, ya see Nib, to put it nicely, most humans are Prudes, and they won’t think nicely about you, unless you look snappy in some kind of human suit.”

Fair: I can’t do this. Finn, you comment.

Finn: Certainly. So first of all, wearing human clothes is not going to help Nibly whatsoever. I think it would be better to disguise him as…as… Oh, I don’t know! Also, it might be that SNel is just giving what he thinks a bear’s opinion would be on clothes. I shudder to think at what it would mean otherwise.

Fair: In addition to this, of course we get the following:

“Well most handsome young guys wear a ball cap. Sports are what humans’ worship you know. So you need to be a good deacon and—”

“Stuff the ball cap! I don’t like things on my head! Remember that year when that pesky Ranger bonked me on the head with that club,” I said.

Fair: The incident with the club, having the potential to be interesting, is of course not gone into any further.

Finn: I thought bear spray would be more common than clubs.

I think it would take more than a hit in the head to stop a bear. It might just make them more dangerous.

Also, there’s a big difference between getting hit in the head with a club and wearing a HAT.

Fair: Yeah, if you can even get close enough to hit the bear with the club before getting killed. Of course, if you actually managed it, death is almost certain. Nibly “thinks better of his outburst” and asks Johnny Bear to continue. They agree that Nibly shouldn’t wear a ball cap. Johnny bear then tells Nibly he needs money in order to get food.

“What you need next is to get a hold of some of that paper that humans use to trade with; sometimes it comes in round metal discs as well as paper. The humans call it, money.”

Fair: Oooooohh! Shiny!

Finn: How does this bear know what humans call anything? Also, I thought the bear way of getting food was called garbage diving. Isn’t that enough?

Fair: Good question. Perhaps it just is? One must never question the might of SNel, however. Things simply “are”, there is no need for such irrelevancies as “logic”.

Finn: Yes indeed. If the bears were a little more anthropomorphized, it might seem more normal, but the fact that they do normal bear things — like fish, and live in the mountains — just makes it unrealistic. If they had their own bear-civilization or something…oh, I don’t know! This just doesn’t work! It’s clunky and it’s obvious that very little thought or skill has been put in.

“Skill? Thought? What’s that?” says the Mighty SNel. “I just plow right through. That’s enough to make me a real author isn’t it?”

Fair: In a word, “No”. And so it came to pass that Nibly agreed with Johnny Bear, who replied thusly:

“And one more thing, you should ask about recommendations on just which place you will find the best eats and vittles in.”

Fair: Wow. “Eats and vittles”? Nice phrasing there; way to add lame terminology that modern children will totally understand… Not!

Finn: I know. Also, how on earth does a bear speak in human language? This hasn’t really solved the problem of how to get money; unless he’s going to steal the food. But I guess he’ll have to steal the clothes too. At any rate, I think asking just would ruin everything. Why spoil everything from the start when you could use careful observation?

Fair: Perhaps Johnny and Nibly are Talking Bears from Narnia? Oh, wait… Narnian Bears are more intelligent and have proper reasons for doing things. They also don’t use Calormene-esque redundancies in their speech.

Finn: Indeed. Also, I feel the very object of the story “getting food” is becoming redundant and boring.

Fair: Definitely agree with you there, Finn.

And so, I bid farewell to my friend Johnny bear, and off I went down through the underbrush on my way to the human town of Nelson, BC. I blazed my own trail and that took a bit of doing too.

Fair: Blazing our own trail through this book, however, takes a good deal more than “a bit of doing”.

Finn: Indeed. If we were only bears, it might be easier and less painful, but alas, it is not so.. Also, couldn’t the bear just follow a deer trail or something?

Fair: Nope. He has to go on an “adventure”, as we shall see in the second chapter.

Finn: How much of an “adventure” it is remains yet to be seen…I’ll go pack some brain bleach!

Fair: Here, here!

Comment [38]

Nibly the Bear – Chapter 2

Greetings! This is Finn doing the intro today, because Fair is having brief writers block. I suppose Gloria Tesch could help with that…or not. But either way, we’re here to spork Chapter 3…I mean, 2 (We keep forgetting that the introduction didn’t count as a chapter).

Fair: Oh yeah, and we’re including illustrations this time, too. Thanks for pointing out the obvious to us, Tim; we should have put the illustrations in from the very beginning.

Finn: Yes, we should have. But I suppose we were too focused on our first spork and using the II textile. We shall begin now; it’s time to forge on ahead!

Fair: Right, enough of that. It’s boring. Time to forge ahead, indeed!

Chapter 2

Coming near the town, I came across a cute little bridge by a nice river and little waterfall. I saw a bench and sat down to rest myself.

Fair: Is Nibly doing his best impression of an old southern geezer? He’s doing a magnificent job of it.

Finn: I’m really, truly wondering if SNel ever lived in the south, or is even aware of accents or proper language in general. I confess I don’t really know what accents people have in Utah, but I’m pretty sure SNel has no idea what kind of accents people have in British Columbia.

Fair: Is it just me, or does Nibly’s nose get bigger in each picture we come across? Also, bear anatomy doesn’t allow them to assume that type of sitting position, making Nibly look more like a creeper in a bear suit than an actual bear.

Finn: His face never changes its creepy expression…I think I’ve seen that place before.

After my long walk into the people town, I felt the cool water spray that came off the flowing waterfall and river. It was really nice! So I took a rest right there for a while.

Fair: Um, yeah. You already told us you were going to “rest there awhile”. See, it’s up there ^^. It’s called re-reading what you just wrote to make sure it makes sense, SNel.

Finn: Repetition, repetition! How else is anyone supposed to remember anything?

Fair: So, Nibly looks around for about two seconds and immediately happens upon a clothes line with a shirt and shorts hanging from it. How convenient.

“Oh how Marvelous!” I exclaimed.

How nice it was I thought, of the humans to hang out some clothes just for me, and just my size too. I took them down off the line and tried them on, they fit me perfectly.

“Sweet!” I said.

Finn: Oh how Frabjous! Authors are so kind as to not make their characters have to do anything! How unexplainable! How…bad the dialogue is. He suddenly sounds like an old English gentleman, and then like some 90s teenager.

Fair: Those people must be rather fat if their clothes fit a bear perfectly.

Finn: Inhumanly obese, in fact. I don’t think Nibly’s day could get any luckier…oh wait.

Fair: Nibly walks along the path for a bit, when suddenly…

… I saw a man running toward me, just past the little park that I had rested in. He had a funny mask on his face. He also had a bag in his hand, and when he saw me he YELPED With Joy! And dropped the little bag right there in front of me, and then he ran off somewhere.

Fair: A bank robber. Nibly runs into your stereotypical representation of a bank robber. Not to mention, most children won’t get what SNel is trying to oh-so-subtly describe

Finn: He could have entered the lottery, and there’s no way he could have lost. Did he take some Felix Felicis or something?

Fair: Well, judging by the picture below, Nibly’s obviously taken something.

Psychedelic, Man!

Finn: And what does Nibly do next? Return it to the police station? Not in SNel’s world…

And oh boy do you know what I found, a nice bag of money. Round ones and paper ones too. What a swell fellow that guy was.

That’s right, kids! If someone drops money, don’t return it to them. Don’t take it to the police station. Just take it, because stealing isn’t wrong if it’s from a bank robber! (Or if you’re a Gary Stu)

Fair: Never mind that the money belonged to other people who needed it before the robber stole it from them. Again, I say unto thee “How convenient.”

Finn: Indeed it is convenient, but not for us.

Fair: I can’t wait to see what happens next!

Comment [35]

Okay! We’re back for the third chapter of Nibly, and the first chapter in which we shall have the official Nibly the Bear Drinking Game! We’ve just uncorked our bottle of King Apolyon’s Premium Sparkling Brain Bleach, so here we go!

Here are the criteria as suggested by swenson:

• Every time SNel capitalizes a random word, take a drink.

• Every time SNel uses the word “swell” (we’d like to add “interesting words” to the list), take a drink.

• Every time a picture is alarming or off-kilter somehow, take a drink.

And the one by Master Chief:

• Take a drink every time the bear does something that sets a bad role model.

Finn: I can’t wait. We’re finally at the half-way mark!

Fair: Right. So we begin with Nibly reminding us that he now has clothes and money. Although this only happened about a page back or so, SNel ever so kindly put it in, should we have forgotten . Nibly still, however needs to know where “the best eats and vittles are” (First drink), and decides young people (children) will be of the most help. Tasty!

Finn: I wonder how he made this assumption, seeing as how this is his first time in human society, and in Bear society the older bears would probably be relied upon for their knowledge of food. (Although, of course, bears don’t really have a society to begin with, but that’s hardly the point)

Fair: Perhaps he wants to eat the children? After all, they are more tender when they’re young…

But of course, this is SNel’s world.

Nibly comes across a brightly coloured building , from which he hears children singing a song. I’d like to point out that the eyesight of bears is very poor (scent being their strongest sense) and while they can see colour, would be more likely to use the scent of the children as a guide.

Picture=drink.

This was an E-L-E-M-E-N-T-A-R-Y school. I know this because I carefully sounded out the name.

Finn: Is he trying to teach children to read? I desperately hope not, because it doesn’t seem to be much of a reader. At any rate, bears cannot “sound out” words. And if a bear knows about schools to begin with, and can read, I would think that they would already know what elementary meant.

Fair: Um, yeah. Because even if he is a bear with human-like qualities, if this is his first time around people, he shouldn’t be able to read. Unless they have bear school in the Rocky Mountains, but I highly doubt it.

A boy looking out the window of the school said that I should ask the older kids, the ‘Teenagers,’ because they know everything! He told me where to find the High School.

Fair: BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Screw the criteria! Drinks for that!

Finn: Ha ha. When I was in elementary school, I thought I knew everything, or that my parents did. I never even thought of teenagers.

Fair: On a more serious note, the word “teenagers” is written Tesch-style and “high school” is also capitalized. 3 drinks.

Just then a dog came by. It was barking and growling at me. The boy was helpful, when he handed me a bone out of the window and said, give it to the dog.

Fair: THE CHILDREN ARE DESTROYING THE SCIENCE DISPLAY!!

Finn: HE’S FEEDING A BEAR! HELP!

Fair: I think we ought to take a drink for that. And the following picture.

So I thought that was a Great Idea! And I tossed the dog a bone! Then he ran off as happy as can be.

Fair: Two drinks!

Finn: Capitalizations are Very Important! Never Forget Them!

I handed the boy a bill with a 1 and two zero’s after it, ($100). The boy said, “Golly Gee Thanks Mr. Bear!”
“Nibly is the name”, I politely corrected him.

Fair: Stupid terminology, one drink. 3 unnecessary capitalizations, 3 drinks. Randomly bolded word, one drink.
So that would make that passage a literal mind-killer!

Finn: Yes, let’s just give a kid a random $100. It’s not like his parents will wonder where he got it. And Golly Gee! There isn’t even a screen on the window to prevent bugs and money from getting in, like there is in every other elementary school. I guess this one is just a special snowflake. In addition to that, if “two” is written out, then “1” should be “one”“

“Well thanks then, Nibly,” said the boy. All his friends gathered around and I heard the sounds of; “Oooooo” and “Aaaaahhhhh!”
Now, off I went to find the school the helpful boy had told me about.

Fair: Because people actually say “Oooooo” and “Aaaaahhhh” when they’re impressed by something. Also, little kids would be more likely to get into a fight trying to steal the hundred dollars.

Finn: I actually thought that was just Nibly’s interpretation of their screams.

Fair: Okay, so now we total up our drinks. For this one chapter we’ve had… 14 drinks. I suppose that isn’t as bad as Maradonia, but it also had longer chapters.

Finn: Yeah. But we’ll have to see how it is for other chapters. Because you know, it only gets worse.

Fair: But my brain can’t take it anymore! I can already feel the changes occurring. If we keep drinking like this, I’ll probably start believing in mad conspiracy theories and saying “swell” all the time.

Finn: Fortunately, this is Brain Bleach we’re talking about, so it will hopefully be a while before that happens. I mean, we’re cleansing our minds as we go… right?

Fair: Swell!

Comment [12]

Fair: Hi, everyone! We’ve finally recovered from our brain bleach induced hangovers and are back with the fourth chapter of Nibly.

As we remember from our last chapter, Nibly was sent to find the High School, because that’s where he will find the learned “Teenagers”, who know everything.

Finn: Well obviously! I mean, what else would keep this train wreck of a book going? Unfortunately, we’re going to find out. Fair, do you think there will be many people at our funeral?

Fair: I don’t really know. As long as SNel doesn’t write a eulogy, I’ll be happy.

Anyway, Nibly walks streets away from the elementary school and up a hill. Guess what he finds at the top!

The name on the school clearly read, ‘RAGLAFART.’ I knew I was in the right place.

One drink.

Finn: If you were just thinking that there couldn’t possibly be a real school with that name, you’re right. The actual name of the school is Trafalgar Middle School. Yes, a middle school, not a high school. What is the meaning of this? There is none. Nelson could have easily put the name of the real school, because he’s repeated it over and over that this town is a REAL place, so why not put the school’s real name?

Fair: Perhaps now Nibly reads from right to left? I don’t think so. Anyway, the name of the actual high school is L V Rodger’s High School. This also poses a question. Why would Nibly go to a junior high school looking for teenagers when in BC middle school is for ages 11-13? It couldn’t be that SNel has made a mistake, seeing as his wife who’s helped him is actually from Nelson. Personally, I think that this is a poor last minute attempt to disguise the names of places people might recognise, but as Finn said above, he’s made it clear where the story is set. Either way it doesn’t work, leading me to doubt SNel’s mental capacity all the more.

Picture=drink

Lack of perspective strikes again! Just look at that fence.

Finn: Why is there grass missing? Was he just too lazy to finish the picture? Ugh, it’s just so bad…

Fair: It’s a hole in the universe!

So Nibly speaks to one of the learned ‘Teenagers’ and asks where the best places to eat are. For some reason, these ‘Teenagers’ are not at all bothered by the talking bear wearing clothes. We get some random quotations around place names, and are told about an ice cream shop called ‘Wait’s News’ and ‘The Funky Monkey Burger Bar’, which are both real places. The FMBB, however, might have had its name changed, probably because the owners realised it was a really stupid name.

Five drinks, mostly for random quotes and caps, once for use of the word “vittles”.

And then we get this:

“OK!” I said, and off I went to find these great eating spots. The learned ‘Teenagers’ wanted some of my money, so I pulled out a few bills and tossed them into the window of the school. Chairs went flying everywhere as the learned ‘Teenagers’ began to enjoy a spirited wrestling match. I heard sounds of scrambling feet and shouts of; “Ouch let go My Hair!” Thump! Bonk! Smack!
“I Got IT!” “No I Got IT!!” “No I Got IT!!!”
I left the learned ‘Teenagers’ to have their fun as I was not a fan of wrestling.

Finn: “IT”? Really? This is not a Tale of Two Castles dragon we’re talking about, so why is there so much emphasis on that word? It is very… suggestive. Besides, that is really not what kids would be saying when grabbing for money. Screaming and yelling, perhaps, but no bragging matches. I wonder if SNel was ever a teenager.

Fair: Quite honestly, I find this almost too stupid for words. Where is the teacher? Wouldn’t she notice her students conversing with a clothed bear through the window? Wouldn’t he try to stop the war in his classroom caused by the money the bear is throwing at his students? How do the students even know the bear has money? Why does SNel persist with those idiotic replacements for sound effects? How would a bear even know what wrestling is?

I give this passage 7 drinks, though it could stand to have more.

Finn: It only gets worse.

Fair: Nibly goes to Wait’s News. We also get a picture that, for once, isn’t drawn by SNel. Instead it’s stolen.

After about five minutes of googling, we found the source: Clickety

I wonder what would happen if the Nelson Post found out they were linked to this cow plop of a book?

Finn: Justice would be upheld. One drink awarded for bad ethics.

I was disappointed in this, as it was crowded with a lot of very hairy men. But wait, were they men? I couldn’t tell really. And the smell of them, it was awful! Like Petunia Oil, but it smelt more like mold or skunk! I would have lost my lunch if I had had some yet. So these are the ‘Hippies’ that I had heard of last year. I actually saw them from a distance when they were playing loud and awful music at a festival they called ‘Shambala.’ That was when that pesky Ranger had bonked me with his club.

Fair: Perhaps those hairy men were bears in disguise? You never can tell in Nelson.

Finn: Something here doesn’t really smell right…you know what I mean? There is something wrong with this paragraph. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you what. Do ‘Hippies’ have a ‘Gothic movement’ too?

Fair: I think that was called “The Sixties”

Finn: True. Still, I had no idea the hippies were interested in alchemy.

Fair: Hang on… Nibly has just discovered what the ‘Hippies’ he heard of last year look like. Even though he already saw them last year before the ranger decided he could beat up a bear with a club.

Finn: It does say “from a distance”. But still, It’s strange that he’s been near this town before, yet apparently he’s never been here before. Don’t you just love continuity?

Fair: I’d say five drinks, to be safe.

I had also learned how the ‘Hippies’ only come out once a year to have a bath. Perhaps they should go jump in the nice lake nearby or perhaps the public pool. But for now I’ll steer clear of these fellows, they smelled really bad! I went on my way fast!

Finn: Bears never seem to care about smell when they eat at the dump. Who is giving him all this inside information on human words and society? I think we have a conspiracy on our hands…

Fair: “I went on my way fast!”? Has SNel ever heard of adverbs before? Three drinks. Wait, no; four drinks, because I only just noticed that horrendous tense change.

Total drinks: 24 And we aren’t even at the worst bit.

Comment [28]

Finn: Howdy there, friends! Golly gee, it’s been a long time since the last Nibly spork, hasn’t it? Well, I blame NaNoWriMo, homework, and other stuff. What’s your excuse Fair?

Fair: I blame the cat; she’s just so cute! It’s too distracting!

Finn: Yes, so much that it took Fair more than a minute to think of something to say because she was watching the cat untangle herself from a necklace. This is why it takes us so long to do these, Fair!

Fair: But she’s having a bath! And it’s cute! Well, anyway, we left Nibly exclaiming over some stinky hippies at Wait’s News. Why would SNel put so much emphasis on this? As we’re about to find out, this is Foreshadowing™.

Soon I came to the ‘Funky Monkey Burger Bar.’ I handed the manager a stack of bills and he fed me with a big stack of hamburgers and ice cream.

He pays with a stack of money and receives a stack of hamburgers and ice cream? In the real world, if anyone paid for something with a stack of money, the manager or till worker would be immediatley suspicious. Usually criminals carry around stacks of cash with them because it’s harder to leave a paper trail and easier to slip in a few countefeit notes. In addition, because Nibly got his money from a very conveniently placed bank robber, people would know there had recently been a bank robbery. Because the bank robber had most likely taken the money from a bank in Nelson, anyone throwing around stacks of cash as liberally as Nibly does would probably be taken in to the police for questioning.

Finn: Not to mention, who stacks hamburgers and ice cream outside of cartoons? That’s bad buissness! Gross, too. Now of course, this is a children’s book, but most childrens’ books don’t have hippies, so I’m not cutting it any slack.

Fair: I give this 1 drink for the quotes, 1 drink for the stacks of stolen money, and another for the picture below.

Finn: There…is just so much wrong with that picture. Where to I begin? There’s so much blue everywhere, you can hardly tell which is building, sky, or ground! The trees are out proportion, Nibly is suspended in nothingness, and there are words floating in mid-air for some reason unknown to all but SNel. Nibly is out of proportion, as usual, and his nose has grown again.

Fair: And then, we get this. Honestly, when I first read the following passage I sat staring at it with my mouth gaping open for at least a minute. I could very well have swallowed a few flies and not noticed. Here we go:

He said, as he puffed away on some kind of burning weed, “Eat up Son!”

Then he looked a little closer at me, as he blew away the funny smelling cloud of smoke that hung about him, and said, “Hey man, You really need a shave!”
“But I am Nibly the Bear, I don’t need to shave,” I said.

“Ya whatever man, ‘Peace’ Baby!”

I smiled and thought; this must be what the ranger had said last year, when he said that nearly everybody in the human town “Gets regularly stoned on something called Kootenay Bud.”

SNel has blatant references to drugs in a children’s book. He is also okay with this, he sees nothing wrong with it and when I did allude to it in a review he denied it. The following is a portion of the screenshot I took of one of his Facebook statuses:

Finn: Yes. He went there. How can he not see how inappropriate that is? I mean, yes, some children might not understand it, but that doesn’t mean they’re stupid. They’ll know something’s up. Although their parents would probably throw the book in the fireplace first (if this was a print book) but I think even the fire would reject it. Even if they were too young to figure it out, that would make some really awkward moments when they ask the parents what these things mean.

Children’s book issues aside, this is really not doing the town of Nelson any favours. It’s insulting, actually. “Yeah, Nelson is a nice ‘quaint’ little town. It’s too bad almost everyone there is a hippie on drugs” What does he think he’s doing? Oh, Right; he probably doesn’t think, silly me. In all seriousness, this makes me wonder if his wife even liked the town.

On another note, don’t you think that it’s weird how Nibly seems to remember so much of what the ranger said?

You know what I think this lovely passage deserves?

Drinks=∞

I award this on behalf of the people of Nelson, angry parents, and the written word.

Fair: So, Nibly eats so much food that the manager has to buy food from around town to give to him. Might I add that bears do not possess infinite stomach capacity? Stomachs tend to expel food if you fill them too much, or they explode. Add this to fact that no one “payed me any mind” and you have one ridiculous assumption.

After Nibly has finished eating all of the town’s food (he begins to get full), he decides to walk around a bit. He comes to a large orange bridge and decides this would be a good spot to view the town.

Stolen picture!

3 drinks.

Finn: There’s also this gem:

There were some people movers called cars, which wanted to come onto the bridge, and have a look as well. But when they saw what a swell time I was having, they turned around, and left me to enjoy the bridge all to myself. That was awfully nice of them I thought.

“People movers” huh? There doesn’t seem to be any consistency in the way Nibly thinks. Sometimes he knows things he shouldn’t, and other times he doesn’t know things he should know. Nor is there any consistency in the way people act. They’re only afraid of Nibly when SNel finds it convenient, and then they don’t notice him when he’s gobbling their food!

3 more drinks

Fair: Nibly finds a trolley and hops aboard.

What swell people these town folks are I thought, and I handed the driver, (who was staring at me), a wad of bills. And then he was very happy to take me for a ride.

So that’s another “swell” and another wad of bills. I think someone needs to call the police on Nibly — or even get Corin Thunderfist. Nibly is obviously a renegade Talking Bear and we need Corin Thunderfist to box him into submission so he leaves and never comes back. Ever.

Stolen picture #2

3 drinks.

Finn: Nibly starts to leave the town (yay!) but first he stops to look at stolen picture #3.

It was a man with a Long Funny nose.

I guess some humans can grow noses like that. Maybe he has some bear in him I thought.

What an idiotic remark. Is SNel sporking his own pictures? There are also two random capitalizations there.

4 drinks.

Fair: Wow. This brings this chapter’s drink total to drum roll: Infinity +16.

We have one chapter left before this is all over (thank Cthulu). Then when we’re rocking in the corners of our rooms humming to ourselves, we can try reassuring ourselves that it’s only a very scary book and never happened in real life.

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Guess what! We’re back after a long period of extreme business to finish Nibly. Because this is the last chapter, we’re celebrating by doing this at Finn’s house! Not that that really matters to you guys, but we’ll send you some virtual tea.

Finn: This means I can watch my cat while I wait for Fair to finish typing!

Fair: Finn, are you saying your cat is more interesting to watch than my cat?

Anyway, chapter six begins and Nibly is beginning to feel a bit sick, and so decides to “…lay down beside the pathway (sidewalk?)”.

Y’know, I’m not really entirely sure why this book even has chapters. I mean, it’s only eleven pages long, with nine pages constituting actual story. This means each chapter is 1.5 pages long, including pictures.

…I began to feel really awful! My stomach churned!! Perhaps I was even turning somewhat green?

Two drinks for misuse of punctuation.

Finn: I don’t even think bears can turn green, seeing as they’re covered in fur. Besides, it’s a bear; he should have a big stomach and a good digestive system. They’re fine with eating garbage.

Fair: Exactly, eating burgers shouldn’t hurt him.

We then come across a picture that makes me wonder what exactly was in the burgers Nibly’s been eating, or if he’s inhaled too much second hand smoke, or something.

One drink.

Finn: From the picture, you can probably tell what’s coming up next…

Fair: Shhhh! Don’t give it away!

A man with long hair (who we can tell isn’t a hippy, because he doesn’t smell bad) sits beside him. Apparently, he’s a “Chief”.

“Chief of what?” I asked in my groggy, whoozey swirling, whirling state of mind. “I am Chief ‘Up in Smoke’ of the Walla-palloogey tribe.” “Well glad to know ya Chief,” I said lazily.

First of all, eating too much doesn’t feel at all like what’s described above. This makes me think Nibly may have eaten too much of something else, if you know what I mean.

Secondly, “Chief ‘Up in Smoke’ of the Walla-palloogey tribe”!? What the fuck was SNel thinking when he wrote this? Did he think people would find it cute or funny in some way? Someone needs to tell him this isn’t the 1950’s anymore.

Why did he feel the need to put this in? In the part of BC he’s writing about, there are plenty of aboriginal bands he could have put in here. He could have used the name of a historical chief, he could even have looked at one of the languages and made an authentic name. He didn’t even use an accurate illustration; the sort of clothing Chief is wearing is closer to something a stereotypical Native American in Arizona would wear.

Remember this?
Yeah.
One drink for bad description of eating too much, one for the picture, and ∞ drinks for racism.

Finn: Seriously, if SNel want us to believe that he isn’t a liar, he’s not doing a very good job of it.

“Listen Nibly, I’ve been following you around, here in the white man’s town, and I can tell you why you don’t feel so well right now.”
“Really, I got big ears Chief. Let’s have it!”
“Your problem is Nibly; you’ve been eating the people food. It’s commonly called ‘Junk Food.’ What you need is to get up into the mountains and breathe the fresh air there, and eat the good food you already have there. This processed food of the humans is no good for you. And let me tell ya, it aint good for them either!”
“But the learned ‘Teenagers’ told me it was good food.”
“And what does your stomach tell you right now Nibly?” asked the Chief.
Then my swirling brain stopped long enough for me to think and I nodded, “Oh, I get it now!”
“Teenagers don’t really know anything!” I exclaimed.”

Finn: So, not only is there more racism (I’m pretty sure no indigenous person would say “white man’s town” anymore), then we have a brief soap-box rant about junk food, which is completely irrelevant to Nibly because he’s a bear. Bears aren’t much affected by eating garbage, so I doubt they would be affected by junk food. That last line after the rant is hilarious, because people rarely use the word “ain’t” in Canada, even in hick towns — I should know, I live in one. Then, last of all, we get this glorious statement about The Corrupt and Mediocre Generation™.
Hi. I’m a teenager, and I can’t help being a little annoyed with all this teenager bashing. Even for the teenagers who do act like their brains are somewhere else, talking about how stupid they are isn’t going to make them listen to you; it’s going to discourage them from acting better. There are plenty of smart teenagers, and we don’t appreciate these gross generalizations.

Five drinks.

Fair: Let me mention ear size doesn’t have anything to do with listening ability.
Our soap-box rant continues, as the chief tells Nibly to go into the mountains, catch fish, and eat “… fresh berries un-sprayed by chemicals.”

Nibly unsurprisingly agrees with this and decides to take a nap. But wait! Crisis!

I opened my eyes and Chief ‘Up in Smoke’ was no longer there. What was there and coming on fast, was that darned pesky Ranger again, in his stupid little truck, with the yellow light on top flashing! He was coming right at me, and very fast too!

I have a few (okay, more than a few) things to say about this. The ranger showing up at the very end is a very poor attempt to add drama, even though the story has basically ended. What took him so long to get there? If a bear is reported to be seen in a public area, conservation officers (NOT park rangers) and perhaps police officers would respond immediately, and the animal would be relocated. In this case, Nibly would probably be shot because he isn’t afraid of people, and would keep returning to find food.

Why does SNel feel the need to point out that the ranger is coming toward Nibly quickly (not fast)? Of course he would be! There is a bear on the loose, after all.

After this is a picture of a yellow light, which isn’t included because it doesn’t really have a role to play here, and takes up space. It will be getting a drink for uselessness, however.

Four drinks

Finn: So, Nibly does perhaps the smartest thing he’s done in the book and makes a dash for it.

I ran, and I ran, and I ran, until I was far into the woods once again.

Nice. How dramatic, to repeat something over and over. It looks totally wonderful and amateurish.

Drink

So then Nibly meets Johnny, who asks him how the human town was. Nibly replies, in his great and glorious wisdom:

“Oh my, Johnny Bear, you were absolutely right! The food may taste good there, but it doesn’t make you feel good. And the people are really weird!”

Very well said! After all, he did warn you….

Did he?

intermission while we go to the beginning

Hang on, he didn’t warn him at all! All he said was “Are you Serious (sic)?” While this may imply disapproval, he didn’t actually discourage Nibly for going. In fact, he helped him! Saying that he did is just bad writing. It’s like SNel took so long to write this he forgot what had happened in the beginning. I call plot hole!

Fair: The people there are weird? Wow. So, in other words, SNel has managed to insult basically everyone in Nelson. First there are hippies, then a couple business owners, then teenagers, aboriginal people, the intelligence of any children reading the book, and then he sums up everyone else by calling them weird.

This is completely stupid. Why would you write a book about an actual town, then use the fact that it’s set in a real place as a marketing strategy, only to systematically insult every one of its inhabitants?

Two drinks

Finn: It’s like he forgot that the “Real Town” actually had real people living there.
To top it off, we have this bit:

Then I caught my breath and I sat down by my friends’ cozy fireplace and said, “Let me tell you all about it! You better sit down for this!”

I’ll just state the obvious, because SNel obviously forgot it: Bears do not have fireplaces. I’m sorry, but if he wanted to make his bears completely anthropomorphic, they would have their own junk food. If they can make fires, they can probably cook. The lack of thought put into this is just stupid. If these are bears that live in the woods and eat berries like real bears, and is set in a real town, then the bears cannot have fireplaces. Even Paolini could see that.

Drink

Fair:

I hope you have enjoyed;
Nibly the Bear Visits the People Town
If it’s a success, I’ll write more adventures about Nibly.

I hope you enjoyed the sporking of “Nibly the Bear Visits the People Town”

Because it was such a success, if SNel writes any more adventures about Nibly, we’ll spork those, too.

At this point, SNel proceeds to list his other “bestsellers” at smashwords, the first one being “The Problem Eliminators!”

That being said, we encourage you to check out the bestselling spork by Tim: The Problem Eliminators Exclamation Mark

Finn: Well, we’ve finally made it to the end! So, dear readers, according to this scale, how would you rate this book?

Also, drink count = infinity+18

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