There comes a time in the life of every naïve twelve-year-old girl – or, perhaps, every desperately lonely middle-aged housewife – when they must make a decision that will shape their lives for all eternity. One that will affect their friends, their families, their Facebooks, and their LiveJournal avatars.

This decision, of course, is when you come up to the plate, will you be batting for Team Edward or Team Jacob?

It’s a difficult question, and considering how much rides upon it, I thought I would put together a helpful checklist to aid you:

you’re into necrophilia

you enjoy the thought of people you don’t know climbing through your window and watching you sleep

you like it when a man tells you what to do

(especially when he refuses to let you visit your friends)

(especially when he breaks your car to keep you from visiting them)

you don’t mind that he fantasizes about drinking your blood

you find stalking flattering

(especially when he reads your friends’ minds to do it)

you enjoy the thought of being penetrated by an icy-cold, rock-hard penis

(that’s permanently flaccid since he doesn’t have blood)

you love that he’ll commit suicide if he thinks you’re dead

you’re attracted to men 90 years older than you

(who are still virgins)

(who compose songs for you before they even know you)

And, of course:
you love the idea that he may someday perform an emergency C-section on you by ripping through your uterine wall with his TEETH…
Then congratulations!
You’re a member of Team Edward!

you’re into beastiality

you’re an exhibitionist

(because since he has a hive mind with his pack, shortly after you were ever intimate with him, six other people would know every explicit, sweaty detail)

you like it when men grab you and forcibly kiss you

(when they know that you like someone else)

(and are dating that someone else)

(and then brag about forcibly kissing you to your father)

you like your men to be sweet, thoughtful, and caring

and sexually attracted to toddlers

and really good at fixing motorcycles

wait, did I mention that you like your men to be sexually attracted to toddlers? Okay.

you like your men dark

you like your men shirtless

you’re okay that he’s sexually attracted to toddlers

you don’t have a problem with pedophiles

Because despite whatever hand waving Meyer might do:

Then congratulations!
You’re a member of Team Jacob!

All rights reserved. Please use responsibly. Does not include muscular Native American chests, smoldering gazes, Adonis features, lack of emotion, general vapidity, or vaguely Mormon moral codes regarding premarital sex. Side effects may include abusive relationships, battered woman syndrome, and the loss of your soul.

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  1. Talisman on 6 December 2009, 22:53 said:

    But are you okay with him being sexually attracted to toddlers?

    Very funny. Good job on pointing out the, er, “benefits” of Edward vs. Jacob.

  2. Luin Kaimelar on 6 December 2009, 23:38 said:

    You, sir/ma’m, are my new hero

  3. Snow White Queen on 6 December 2009, 23:45 said:

    Har har, this was great.

  4. Puppet on 7 December 2009, 00:16 said:

    Hey, welcome to II! =D

    Also, nicely done.

  5. Wizard of Toast on 7 December 2009, 00:19 said:

    Whoever you are, I love you

  6. Danielle on 7 December 2009, 00:47 said:

    Ooh, that’s a tough one. After seeing all the benefits of Team Edward lined up next to the benefits of Team Jacob, I would have to go with a team that is rarely mentioned among Twilight fans. Nobody likes this choice much, since he very nearly took Bella from both Edward and Jacob. He was quite pushy, nearly knocking Bella off her feet before Edward had to come in and ruin the moment. This choice spends most of the saga in the background, secretly hating Edward for ruining his chance and hating the fact that he can’t kill Edward even more. Not that he wouldn’t get away with it, but as Edward is a vampire and cannot die, the kiling part would run into some roadblocks there. Still, I cheer for this choice, because had he succeeded, there would be no Twilight Saga, as there would be no Bella Swan. Yes, you guessed it. I’m….


  7. Spanman on 7 December 2009, 01:02 said:

    Guys, I’m solidly Team Charlie.

  8. Delzra on 7 December 2009, 02:32 said:

    Yay for Team Tyler’s Van!

  9. RomanticVampireLover on 7 December 2009, 10:08 said:

    I bloody love you, Kawnliee. :D ‘Twas wonderful. LOVE LOVE BELLA/TYLER’S VAN.

  10. Jeni on 7 December 2009, 12:49 said:

    That was awesome, Kawnliee. Thank you so much and STAY. PLEASE.

  11. Puppet on 7 December 2009, 13:31 said:

    Sigh, Tyler could have ended it all…

    Yes, do stay. :D

  12. swenson on 7 December 2009, 19:54 said:

    Seconded on RVL and Jeni’s posts! This was great.

    TEAM TYLER’S VAN! Whoo! (now all we need are little banners for forum signatures, a fansite, and a religion, and we can be R34L TW1L1GHT F4NZ 4 L1F3!)

  13. Snow White Queen on 7 December 2009, 20:29 said:

    Yeah, I’m gonna have to go with Tyler’s van…had so much potential for a meaningful relationship, and it was all wasted.


  14. Pearl on 7 December 2009, 20:32 said:

    B-E-A-U-TIFUL, just beautiful.

  15. SarahSyna on 7 December 2009, 21:32 said:

    Team Tyler’s Van. Match made in Heaven, even if it would have sent Bella to Hell.

    Failing that, Team Jasper. I just have a thing for blondes with scars. Oh, and backgrounds that are actually kind of interesting.

  16. Aldrea945 on 8 December 2009, 11:20 said:

    Personally, I’m Team Kill-them-all!. Any takers?

  17. ZeeZee on 9 December 2009, 01:17 said:

    I’ll take that! You bring the popcorn and I’ll bring the sniper rifles.

  18. Anonymous45 on 9 December 2009, 16:46 said:

    lol I agree. short and to the point.


    Team Sunlight! the ones that show the Cullens as they really are-SPARKLY!

  19. Tolly on 9 December 2009, 21:13 said:

    I’m up for Team Kill-Them-All.

    It’s put me out of my misery very quickly and be worth a few laughs too.

    This article just made me snort Coke through my NOSE.

  20. TakuGifian on 11 December 2009, 06:44 said:

    Why is nobody ever Team Mike? That guy deserves a break, he manages to not be a douche even when stuck in the mire that is Twilight.

    :P I kid, I kid. I’m Team Gandalf-The-White-Descends-From-On-High-And-Smites-Everyone-(With-His-Staff).

    Or, failing that, Team Forks-Is-Actually-The-Target-Of-Secret-Government-Missile-Testing-And-The-Cullenses-And-Bella-Don’t-Realise-That-All-The-Other-Forks-Folks-Are-Animatronic-Dummies-(Hence-Why-Nobody-Questioned-Edward’s-Super-Speed-In-The-First-Book-And-Why-Bella-Is-The-Only-Human-The-Vampires-Seem-To-Notice-Ever-But-Seriously-What’s-Up-With-That)


    Or for short short, Team Fiat! vroom, vroom!

  21. AliceCullenfan on 14 December 2009, 11:21 said:

    I am for team kill edward and bella. I actually like all of the other characters.

  22. Magus on 21 December 2009, 16:17 said:

    I’m on Team Charlie’s Moustache.

  23. Steph (what is left) on 25 December 2009, 20:28 said:

    (who are still virgins)

    I have to admit, this is Edward Cullen’s sole redeeming feature.

    Anyway. This was amazing, and should be shown to every single Twi-fan as it’s a quick run-down on why Twilight sucks for short attention spans, which I think most Twi-hards have when it’s to do with why Twilight sucks.

    Team Eric. Just because he looks like the ‘overly-helpful chess-club type’ does not make him worthless!

  24. AliceCullenfan on 29 December 2009, 14:20 said:

    I am a Twi-hard fan I love everything about twilight. My Favorite Characters are Alice Cullen, Jasper Hale and Jacob Black I do like Dr. Carlisle Cullen, Esme Cullen, Emmett Cullen and Rosalie Hale but I hate Edward. I hate the fact most girls are crushing over edward and trying to make the boyfriends act like edward. That’s just discusting. I like Alice because she is who she is and nobody can tell her what to do. That’s another reason why I hate Edward. He tells bella what to do and she is so in-love with him she can’t see he’s controlling her. Jacob on the other hand let’s bella be who she wants to be and doesn’t try to controll every part of her live. so i would be on team jacob.

  25. TwilightAliceCullen on 4 January 2010, 15:29 said:

    I am for team kill them all but take out Alice and Jasper.

  26. TwilightAliceCullen on 12 January 2010, 20:59 said:

    (Continuing from previous message) Oh and take out jacob and the pack and the quilutes like Billy and Emily.

    I am a fan of the books but I really can’t stand some of the Characters.

  27. Arya on 17 January 2010, 14:29 said:

    That is so hilarious. Although I’ll be team TYLER’S VAN! WITHOUT THAT VAN WE COULDN’T HAVE COMEDY!

  28. TwilightAliceCullen on 22 January 2010, 11:33 said:

    That is so hilarious, just like you said. Team Tyler’s Van!!!! LOL

  29. Tolly on 25 January 2010, 10:44 said:

    I’ve changed my mind. I’ll be over here in Team I-Hate-The-World-And-Will-Toss-A-Nuke-At-Forks-So-Pray-I-Don’t-Go-Into-Politics, a.k.a. Team Big Smegging Boom.

  30. steph (what is left) on 26 January 2010, 02:01 said:

    Can I be Team Emmett?

    Just to annoy Rosalie…

  31. fffan on 22 February 2010, 03:53 said:

    @ tyler’s van: you deserve a standing ovation

  32. Arya66 on 2 March 2010, 22:38 said:

    Haha, yes Tyler’s van does deserve a standing ovation. applauds

  33. Kat on 7 July 2012, 17:02 said:

    Team Flamethrowers!!!!!!

    Roast Bella and her stupid vampires.

    Team Tyler’s Van only takes care of part of the problem.

  34. Gentleman Jim on 9 February 2014, 17:09 said:

    Neither, thanks.

    Team Abhorash for me!