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@Sakampa

Hi this is part of my first chapter. I’m very interested in particular what you think of the prose. Feel free to criticize!
There may be a lot grammar errors but you just have to bear with me, seeing im dutch :P

Well, there’s your problem. It’s very obvious that English is a second language for you, because, while few of the words are wrong, you completely miss their subtleties. As a consequence, the whole piece has a very stilted, unnatural feel to it that just doesn’t work. I’d love to tell you what I think of your prose, but the simple fact is that I honestly can’t discern your prose through the language barrier.

@Sakampa –

@WulfRitter
My own perception on the tips and comments so far, is that I sometimes want to use too poetic wording, I should just stick to my own vocabulary and I guess I’m too much affected by the Paolini way of writing. That way the words would be more accurate and less stilted, I believe… If you can point out a sentence that Stellar Jetman hasn’t yet commented on, you’re welcome to do so!
In my humble opinion I don’t think my story/plot itself is bad, like you pointed out, you’re curious about what’s going to be next. It’s just the way of putting it in english. I really need to get my prose fixed.
But other than weird stilted word usage, you can envision the situation? Is it compelling in its restricted way? (so not the plot but the way of writing, am I on the right track?)
And is the fact that you’d like to see more of Gary’s thoughts not preference? I mean, don’t some writers keep the readers in the dark on purpose, or want to convey their personality in other ways than the narration of his thoughts? Or would it plainly enrich my story if I’d fill in that lack of being aware of Gary’s train of thought?
Do you think my prose so far has potential (if edited accordingly) or would I be wasting my time if I’d ever want to get this published? (mission impossible so to speak)

@Stellar Jetman
Some really helpful stuff right there. I think you’re spot on, on alot of matters and alot of it needs no comment on my part but I want to zoom in on these things:

“Supressing sanity” was meant as supressing rationality but thought the alliteration was smooth for some reason. So he was not trying to become insane, but intendedly ignoring the warning bells in his head.

Haha I laughed at the Descried comment, I really should delete the bookmark of the thesaurus link I guess :(

“The lurid star and moonlight beaming through the window wall” I found this odd since I googled the exact combination of “lurid moonight” and it came with results. Not that I question your opinion, but just saying. Probably these phrases were written by morons or not native speakers, or both.

“Yes, in a profound way.” I meant it as though he was expecting his arrival in very deep emotionial way. Not the ordinary expecting of someone. This may not make any sense but it’s intented that way since it’s part of the plotline.

First, a blade can’t be “lean”. Yes, “lean” is a synonym for “thin”, but that refers to people. You’re basically saying that the blade doesn’t have any body fat.
Can’t lean be a poetic way of saying its thin if it refers to objects? I guess not eh? :P

As before, there aren’t any grammatical errors here, but it just doesn’t sound natural. People don’t yell “to compensate for” noise; they yell “over” it. Yeah, it doesn’t make any sense. That’s English for you.
I’m sorry but I don’t quite get how one can’t yell to compensate for noise. Is compensating for noise in the english language always: “yelling over something”? Or is it physically not possible to compensate your vocal volume to a noisy area?

Sorry if I went overboard on this. I just figured that it would be best to address everything right here.
No apologies needed. Again, it was very helpful and I was hoping you could answer the same questions I asked WulfRitter at the end.

@Sakampa – When reading your excerpt, I can see the situation and the characters and I get the sense that something is driving Gary (I don’t know what, but that’s obviously because it’s something that you have chosen to keep us in suspense about and that’s good). As for the language being stilted, that comes with practice and with people who are familiar with the language helping you understand the subtleties. And I certainly don’t think you suffer from Paolini Syndrome because you have a very valid reason to have stilted writing – Paolini does not get to say, “Hey, I’m writing this in a language that isn’t my native tongue.”

I mean, don’t some writers keep the readers in the dark on purpose, or want to convey their personality in other ways than the narration of his thoughts?

You make a good point. I suppose that what I meant is that this is an important scene and I am not sure how Gary is handling it. His thoughts do not have to be lengthy soliloquies, in fact they shouldn’t be, but you can balance some of the dialogue with some of Gary’s thoughts. Or perhaps some description of Gary’s actions that would demonstrate his reaction to the events of the story. Otherwise, you are telling the reader what Gary feels and not showing what he feels. Here’s a possible example:

“I don’t know you, so why would I even answer that?” Gary asked irritated.

This could be written to show a little more of Gary’s character (keep in mind, this is just a quick example since Gary is your character and you know his personality and how you want him to be): Gary scowled, keeping his eyes fixed on the strange man as he answered, “I don’t know you, so why would I even answer that?” I suppose I just want to see that Gary is irritated, not merely be told he is.

If you can point out a sentence that Stellar Jetman hasn’t yet commented on, you’re welcome to do so!

It looks like Stellar did a pretty thorough job and probably gave better explanations than I could.

Is it compelling in its restricted way?

I definitely think so. Granted, it is a short excerpt from a much longer work, but as I said, I do want to see what happens and I am curious about what this world is like. I mean, hey, you have a guy running around with a sword in a world that is obviously not medieval. Bonus points! :) And I am intrigued about what he means by the bodies being still alive.

Do you think my prose so far has potential (if edited accordingly) or would I be wasting my time if I’d ever want to get this published?

If edited, I think there is potential. But I am curious why you want to publish in English and not your native language. Please don’t think I’m being rude, I really am curious. Is it because you like the English language, or are there not a lot of publishers for non-English sci-fi/fantasy?

Keep in mind, these are just my suggestions. And I hope that I am not coming across as a jerk – some times it’s hard on the internet to not sound like a jerk – because you are doing two daunting things: writing a novel in a language you are still mastering and posting that novel online for critiquing. Never underestimate the courage it takes to ask for critiques on your work.

@WulfRitter
Thank you for clearing those things up, that were some really constructive and invaluable comments!
And you do NOT come across as a jerk, at all. Thoughtful and nice are words that better apply.
The reason I’m writing in English is because of two things. For one, I like writing in English better than in my native language, because I believe the English vocab is immense and therefore more precise, and it simply sounds better in my opinion.
The second reason is indeed publishing. In my country there are hardly any authors who write the Sci-Fi/Fantasy genre. And most succesful books here, never cross the international boundry. And if they do, their popularity is very limited compared to succesful originally English written books.
Thanks again, for the compliment. I really appreciate it.

@No One
Yes I’m reading some Timothy Zahn at the moment and was planning to read “The Name of the Wind”, or are those books you wouldn’t recommend in terms of quality?

Lol, his name is Gary.

I have a hard time telling what kind of world this is supposed to be. Many parts imply futuristic technology, yet there's also the presense of swords and, from the way the old man is described, a seemingly archaic choice of attire. I suppose the setting will become more clear with more chapters.