PROLOGUE: THE CURSE
The prisoner stood with his hands tied in front of him, tired, beaten, and filthy but with a proud back befitting his royal Indian heritage.
T: I really hope that “proud back” is the purple-prosed way of saying good posture.
F: And obviously CHouck is leaping straight into melodrama. At least it’s in third person. She also feels the need to wax poetic about the draperies, pillars, and throne, until we find out that a raja named Lokesh is the one holding our magnificent hero captive. Lokesh’s daughter Yesubai and the prince’s brother Kishan are sitting next to him.
T: When the scenery is described, I just picture all three of them staring at the prince, waiting for him to say something, while he checks out the decoration.
F: Here we learn just how EVULZ Lokesh is (because sympathetic villains are so last year). The prince and Yesubai were going to be married, and the prince— screw this, Ren — states that everything he has would be at Lokesh’s disposal once that happened. Instead, Lokesh elects to kidnap him, potentially starting a war and probably ruining all alliances between their kingdoms, because Kishan wants to marry Yesubai instead. Lokesh decides that killing Ren and taking what he wants from him would be a better idea than just ASKING REN FOR WHAT HE WANTS ONCE THEY ARE FAMILY!
His arranged marriage to Yesubai was supposed to have ushered in an era of peace between the two kingdoms.
T: The best way to get a country to go to war is to kill their king. The second best way is to kill their prince. CHouck, in the world we live in, “war” is the opposite of “peace”.
F: Well, they’re obviously from another dimension. One where people use really, really weird metaphors to prove they’re Indian.
The prince strode fearlessly forward, faced Lokesh, and called out, “You have fooled us all. You are like a coiled cobra that has been hiding in his basket, waiting for the moment to strike.”
He widened his glance to include his brother and his fiancee. “Don’t you see? Your actions have freed the viper, and we are bitten. His poison now runs through our blood, destroying everything.”
T: This begs the question, how exactly does one widen their glance?
F: Lookee here, I’m Indian! Tee hee! To prove it, I’ll talk about cobras! See, aren’t I so authentic?
T: Lokesh ignores this oddly-worded statement and says he wants Ren’s piece of the Damon Amulet. If Ren doesn’t give up the piece of the Damon Amulet, he’ll be killed. What’s the Damon Amulet? We have no idea.
F: Kishan goes to the old song-and-dance “You said you weren’t going to harm him!” Lokesh, of course, threatens Kishan with death too. That’s definitely his go-to option for uncooperative folk.
T: Lokesh amends his previous statement and says he’ll kill both Ren and Kishan if they don’t both hand over their pieces of the Damon Amulet. Come on, would their parents really believe that they had both died in a freak accident at Lokesh’s palace, and he somehow ended up with their pieces of the Damon Amulet?
Ren and Kishan use Brother Telepathy!!!one! to decide to fight against Lokesh, who has just broken Kishan’s wrist. Take a hint, man, and don’t hurt your allies.
Obsession pumped up Lokesh’s neck, throbbed at his temple, and settled behind his black, serpentine eyes. Those same eyes dissected the prisoner’s face, probing, assessing for weakness. Angered to the point of action, Lokesh jumped to his feet. “So be it!”
F: Whut. This just comes out of nowhere. One minute Ren and Kishan are spreading “secret” messages, and the next, Lokesh is drawing a knife and slitting Ren’s arm open. It’s not as if they said anything!
T: Lokesh didn’t actually kill him, sadly. He just dripped Ren’s blood on a talisman, and made him spazz out from pain. While he’s lying there on the lovingly described marble, he sees his brother and his ex-fiancee both attack Lokesh, and Kishan “overtaken by grief as the life drained from Yesubai’s limp body.”
Then it all goes black … or white. It’s difficult to tell.
CHAPTER ONE: KELSEY
T: If only this meant that some chapters wouldn’t be from Kelsey’s viewpoint.
F: You think Ren would be any more interesting?
T: At least his viewpoint is in third person. And one intelligent thought per day is still more than zero.
I was standing on a precipice. Technically, I was just standing in line at a temp job office in Oregon, but it felt like a precipice. Childhood, high school, and the illusion that life was good and times were easy were behind me. Ahead loomed the future: college, a variety of summer jobs to help pay for tuition, and the probability of a lonely adulthood.
F: Yes, we know, you have nothing worthwhile in your life, it sucks, and horrible things like COLLEGE gasp are around the corner. Grow up.
T: And why are you so convinced you’re going to have a lonely adulthood? Could it be? … Are you not blond?
F: A social outcast in all romantic YA novels! Oh, the horror!
T: And of course she doesn’t live in Oregon just because CHouck does. It’s a total coincidence.
F: Kelsey is seventeen. It would be nice if she actually narrated like a seventeen-year-old … no? That’s too much? Okay.
As the job placement worker interviews her, she finds time to wangst about her dead parents. Oddly enough, we don’t even learn their names. In fact … Taff, do we ever learn their names?
T: checks book Yes. You missed it. The job placement worker asks her who her parents are. That’s the only time though.
F: That’s brilliant. It’s like CHouck knew their only purpose was the creation of wangst, so she just didn’t bother.
T: Kelsey somehow manages to land a job at Circus Maurizio, taking care of the animals for two weeks. She complains that she has no other options. She complains about having to get up at six to be there. She complains about the worker’s lack of humor.
“A tiger, huh? Sounds interesting! Are there elephants, too? Because I have to draw the line at scooping up elephant droppings.” I giggled quietly at my own joke, but the woman didn’t even crack a smile.
F: Either I just lost my mind, or Kelsey has a worse sense of humor than the Terminator.
T: She does come from an alternate universe!
I get the sense here that CHouck has a lot of those friends, the kind who laugh at anything that was meant to be funny, because the entire friendship is based on funny statements. After a while, they totally twist the way you look at jokes, as demonstrated here.
F: Are you sure I didn’t just lose my mind? It’s bound to happen when I reread this book too many times.
Moving on, Kelsey heads home, to her foster parents, who apparently ‘respect’ her. I can’t really see why. Her foster mother, Sarah, is making vegan cookies and vegetarian casserole. Kelsey thinks this is gross. Yay for respecting other beliefs! Not to mention, she’s been living with this woman for several years, you’d think she’d be used to it by now.
Mike, her foster dad, is also slightly disgusted by the dish. Really, people? Does CHouck have a vegan friend she doesn’t like or something? Sarah gives Mike dish duty for his trouble.
“Aw, honey. Don’t be mad.” He kissed Sarah again and wrapped his arms around her, trying his best to get out of the task. I took that as my cue to exit. As I snuck out of the kitchen, I heard Sarah giggle. Someday, I’d like a guy to try and talk himself out of cleanup duty with me in the same way, I thought and smiled.
T: How does one ‘smile’ the above sentence? Commas, woman, commas!
F: I don’t know, wouldn’t you rather a guy try to talk himself into cleanup duty? Or the whole thing just be unrelated to cleanup in general? It seems like manipulation. That fits the story surprisingly well, actually.
Anyhow, Mike manages to “convince” Sarah, and poor Kelsey is stuck washing dishes. We get a horrible, listed description of her bedroom, and the quilt that her grandmother made. We’re told it’s very special to Kelsey. We’re also told that Kelsey is intelligent. I’m disinclined to believe either statement. And as she gets ready for bed, she looks at images of her poor, wangsty, dead parents.
I touched the glass, placing my thumb briefly over the image of my pale face. I’d always longed to be svelte, tan, blond, and blue-eyed but I had the same brown eyes as my father and the tendency of chubbiness of my mother.
F: Who seriously touches pictures of their face? And the second sentence needs an emergency Oxford comma transplant.
T: SHE ISN’T BLOND! Who called it? Huh? I bet five dollars she’s brunette, too. Anyone want to take me up on that?
F: NO.
And finally, the required dream sequence: running happily through the forest, chased by a tiger, yadda yadda yadda. Apparently the tiger’s paws beat the ground in time with Kelsey’s heart. That actually reminds me of my NaNo novel, where the protagonist would wonder whether she had a genetic disease that made her heartbeat match the speed of her running feet. It was what I wrote about when I was behind and had nothing else to write.
T: And we’ll leave you wondering what that means about CHouck’s writing. See you next time!
lilyWhite on 14 February 2013, 20:18 said:
So an “interesting” prologue that only serves to lead into a boring, angsty first chapter?
Who’s optimistic already?
Mingnon on 14 February 2013, 20:49 said:
And just for fun; imagine Kelsey’s narrator voice as sad, dull and emotionless.
…Wait, I think some people have been doing so already.
Epke on 14 February 2013, 21:16 said:
Told, yes, shown, no – I’m calling it here: we’ll never see proof of her intelligence.
Kelsey, Bella, Nora, Anastasia, they’re all the same – why even bother changing the name?
The Angel Islington on 14 February 2013, 21:25 said:
I want to write a YA adult novel where the protagonist is blond, and she comes into the story with a steady boyfriend she loves. The conflict would come from external dangers to their relationship, some of which would be supernatural.
Who am I kidding? That wouldn’t sell.
ScarletSpecter on 14 February 2013, 21:31 said:
Okay, let’s check our “Standard YA Book Quota”, shall we:
1st person point of view from an angsty teenage girl? (Check) Said angsty teenager has dead parents to facilitate said angst? (Check)In addition to dead parents, teenager takes time to angst about every trivial inconvienience? (Check) Purple Prose? (Check) Characters lacking any hint of passion or humanity whatsoever? (Check) Poorly constructed, misinformed presentations of non-caucasian ethnic groups that border on racism? (Check, check, and check)
Wow, not even half-way into the first chapter and this already reeks of bad fanfic fodder. And good gracious! Has the author ever even had a conversation with another human being? Her dialogue sounds like its spoken from automatons designed by Shakespearean club rejects. Apparently her idea of being clever and profound is butchering any hapless metaphor that springs to mind.
Asahel on 14 February 2013, 22:26 said:
Hmmm, I think I’m going to have to file this one under “Be Careful What You Wish For.”
To be fair, some things can be funny based on how they’re said. Of course, that would be much more difficult to convey in print, which it seems the author indeed failed at.
swenson on 14 February 2013, 22:45 said:
He widened his glance to include his brother and his fiancee. “Don’t you see? Your actions have freed the viper, and we are bitten. His poison now runs through our blood, destroying everything.”
I would like to take this moment to point out that cobras and vipers, while both venemous, are not the same thing.
That is kind of hilarious. That is precisely what it sounds like—I don’t know what to say, so I’m going to insert this until I can think of something profound. And better.
I think that’d be pretty cool, to be honest. Or someone who just happens to be between relationships and ISN’T all angsty about how she’ll never find true love. Or maybe everybody involved goes in knowing about the supernatural stuff to begin with.
I do have to ask, though, why do they ALL have to be so thoroughly white? I know there are lots of white teenage girls in the world. Until recently, I was one. But you’d think among all these supernatural YA romances, at least one or two would have an Asian or African or at least Hispanic main character. Or love interest. Or something.
Then again, judging by that prologue, we may not want some of these people to try to write about different cultures…
Master Chief on 14 February 2013, 22:50 said:
Reading these sporks makes me proud of my fanfiction’s blonde-haired, demonstrably intelligent and proudly sexual teen protagonist. Such a shame I could never write someone like her in an actual YA novel, it would be too ‘different.’
Brendan Rizzo on 14 February 2013, 22:52 said:
Oh boy, I was waiting for this.
Are you serious? ‘Cause I have no idea how his evil plan would even work.
And would it have killed Houck to call Lokesh a king? This looks to be set before the British Raj, so there is really no need to use Gratuitous Foreign Language to describe a concept that exists in the English language. Lemme guess: she’s one of those weeaboos who sprinkles her fandom discussions with bad Japanese, amirite?
Note to hacks: people don’t speak in flowery metaphors just because they’re Asian. I blame this on all those bad kung fu movies.
I bet that Kelsey’s gonna be her reincarnation or something, right? The funny thing is, by Hindu theology, going from a princess to a commoner would actually be a step down.
Eh, Oregon’s a big state. If, say, Houck were from New Jersey and so was Kelsey, that would be another story.
She should know that making those kind of comments can ruin her prospects. Buckle down and deal with it. I hate to say it, but with YA protagonists like these, perhaps we are living in the Corrupt and Mediocre Generation.
Funnily enough, I’m also working on a story antithetical to the values of YA fiction. Great minds think alike, huh?
If I didn’t know better, I’d say the author was autistic. However, I do know better, enough to state that not even autistic people talk this way.
ScarletSpecter on 14 February 2013, 23:49 said:
Yep. That’s Pretty White Girl Syndrome for you; something I recommend you look up, by the way. Made even worse if Brendan Rizzo’s Indian princess reincarnation prediction actually turns out to be true.
As for why it’s always pale brunettes and not tan blond bombshells…I have a theory that, in addition to being as ineffectual and personalitiless as possible, many YA heroines are further subdued by an “average” appearance. This way they can further melt into the text, fulfilling their role as reader surrogate. Pale skin (lack of exposure to sun) and dark eyes and hair (average caucasian chromatic traits) are inoffensive, standard features that don’t obstruct the reader’s vicarious fantasies; like those silly blondes, wild redheads, or a * gasp * non-white protagonist?!! Who ever heard of something so absurd?!!
Master Chief on 15 February 2013, 00:18 said:
@scarlet Indeed. I’m not sure if this trope existed before Twilight, does anyone know?
We now need a female protagonist who is black, part asian, islamic, lesbian, and a goth girl.
I think I got everything.
ScarletSpecter on 15 February 2013, 01:20 said:
This blog post actually lends a vivid illustration to this trend. Feel free to check it out at: http://www.katehart.net/2012/05/uncovering-ya-covers-2011.html
The lack of diversity, even within the same ethnicity, is pretty glaring. Twilight I think is a chief source of this in terms of Paranormal Romance. Heck, even Vampire Diaries where the main character was blond in the books, became a brunette in the live-action adaptation. I guess they needed more incentive to cash in on Twilight’s success. Yes, Bella Clones * shudders *.
It also brings up a question for Tiger’s Curse. Why a white girl instead of an Indian girl? But, I guess the answer to that is pretty transparent. We need to “identify” with the protagonist. We need an “everygirl” who exists to be desired by her God-like boyfriend. So she must be straight, white, American, and…average. This may also explain the stark lack of non-human heroines as well.
Forest Purple on 15 February 2013, 03:12 said:
I don’t think I need to tell you that you’re right.
We’d buy it, definitely :)
Allow me to amend that— it would be nice if she actually narrated like the mature seventeen-year-old that CHouck keeps telling us she is.
Mostly, because the authors are white. So are the majority of the readers. And honestly, with the portrayal of Indians here, I think I’m scared of what sort of unintentional racism might pop up :P I’d love it if we actually had ethnic diversity, but I think authors who know how to write will have to come first.
Spot on, my friend. I think she’s just trying to be as authentic as possible, and is going way too far over the line in the process.
Not a reincarnation, no … but the chosen one and daughter of the Goddess Durza, yes. And Kishan decides he loves Kelsey more than Yesubai anyway.
True, but they both live in Salem.
I like that theory quite a bit. Also, the more the pale, dark-haired girl shows up as a reader surrogate, the more readers get used to using her as a sort of avatar. It’s like another archetype being absorbed into the public psyche— the archetype of “you”, with bland character traits attached.
You forgot the supportive family and happy past :)
Actually, one of the frightening and frequently-occurring traits of the everygirl is that she has nothing worth living for (or almost nothing). Hobbies? What are they? Friends: 0. Just a blank sheet of paper waiting for their true love. The Corrupt and Mediocre Generation is absolute zero. Twilight’s real motive is to turn people into zombies. After all, if Edward never showed up, that’s basically what Bella would have been— a zombie.
Please pardon me if my thoughts aren’t too coherent, it’s past two in the morning.
Juracan on 15 February 2013, 06:30 said:
Um… why? Why would you want someone to sweet talk you into doing a chore? Mind you, I don’t mind cleaning my kitchen that much, but I don’t want anyone to talk me into it. I’d want someone to do it for me, help me do it, or get out of my way.
Well, obviously the love interest of this novel is Indian.
…and also significantly older than the protagonist.
[raises hand] Uh, I’m a bit rusty on Indian stories— who’s Durza? I tried Googling it, but all I got was the Eragon character.
I don’t think there’s really that much of a problem if the writer sets the story in a place they’re familiar with. Granted, combined with everything else you’ve said about Kelsey…
I knew it! They all told me it’d be a virus, but I knew it would be teen literature!
[starts arming bunker with weapons against Twihards]
Prince O' Tea on 15 February 2013, 08:53 said:
Durga, maybe?
swenson on 15 February 2013, 09:42 said:
Funnily enough, in relation to this story, I happen to know a girl from an Indian family. She’s younger than me by several years, right around Bella age (…don’t tell her I said that), and she’s as American as anybody else living here. While her parents are immigrants, she was born here. Her family isn’t really part of any “Indian” culture, they’re just… pretty average Americans, as far as that goes. And now that I’m thinking about it, it’d be pretty cool if someone like her were the protagonist of something like this. Certainly would make sense.
Tim on 15 February 2013, 10:02 said:
“None of the above” is average if you view all of the above as diverging from it.
Flurrin on 15 February 2013, 12:08 said:
“I thought, and smiled” would not be correct because “and smiled” isn’t a complete thought. What was written is fine as it is. Ooh! D: I just got the shivers for defending this terrible book…
Brendan Rizzo on 15 February 2013, 12:10 said:
What, did they think their audience was so stupid that they wouldn’t like the story unless the protagonist looked like Bella? I have no faith in these people.
ScarletSpecter on 15 February 2013, 13:16 said:
Indeed. Really, more than anything, I’d like a heroine who’s happy for once. Regardless of ethnicity, supernatural genes/talents, or combat ability, it’d just be nice to have a normal character in the since that she’s normal. Note to authors: Normal =/= blank. Most normal people have something that makes them unique: be it their own hobbies, ambitions, interests, beliefs, and heritage.
It’s no wonder Bella and Kelsey have to be so speshul. It’s the only thing that justifies any relevance they have in the stories. They’re below average. Instead of faux traits like “book-smarts” why not an artist? Why aren’t there more animal lovers, athletes, fashion designers, nature enthusiasts, activists, genius’s, or fellow writers? Heck, why can’t they be hormonal teeny-boppers into crappy YA books? I’m sure plenty of real life girls can relate to that.
Forest Purple on 15 February 2013, 13:36 said:
That’s because the only Durza around is the Eragon character — Durga is the goddess, not Durza. My mistake. Eragon has infected my brain. Sorry.
Wouldn’t the “I” carry over from the first part? ‘I smiled’ is complete. I’m not completely sure, thoug
NeuroticPlatypus on 15 February 2013, 16:35 said:
Not with the comma. The comma signals that a new complete thought has begun. However, I’m not sure that “I thought and smiled” is right either. If it is, it’s still awkward and makes it sound like she’s smiling what she’s thinking/saying. I’d have written “I thought, smiling” or something like that.
Tim on 15 February 2013, 20:49 said:
I don’t know, I parse that as “I thought, and (then I) smiled.” The comma is to indicate she smiled after thinking rather than during it. “I thought and smiled” is confusing because it implies that they’re thinking the thought and also smiling it.
The Drunk Fox on 15 February 2013, 22:20 said:
No.
Now, to completely avoid such confusion it probably could have been written as ‘I thought with a smile’ or something similar. But it was not. And so we are sad.1
1 – Yes, I realize the irony of ending a grammar post with two sentence fragments.
Thea on 16 February 2013, 02:32 said:
Bad as it is that she’s just another blank-slate white girl, I’m a little more disturbed that, in looking at the picture of her dead parents, all she can think about is how they weren’t attractive enough to give her ‘svelte’ and ‘blonde’ genes.
Brendan Rizzo on 16 February 2013, 12:14 said:
Somebody needs to do a psychological study of YA writers. It looks like all of them have the same serious issues.
Juracan on 16 February 2013, 14:24 said:
That makes much more sense. So, research becomes much easier.
[comes back from hour of research]
Er… Durga, the one who fights demons? Kelsey, the protagonist of a romantic fantasy, is daughter of Durga?
Isn’t that like having the chosen one of Saint Michael be a chocolate vendor? How does that make any sense?
A mental health epidemic? Is that possible?
…is this connected by the Stephenie Meyer’s zombie plague?
Forest Purple on 16 February 2013, 18:57 said:
Well, Kelsey is supposed to be a warrior, kind of … if seen from behind on a very dark night. I don’t think CHouck realizes what she’s doing.
Pryotra on 16 February 2013, 19:32 said:
This should be the quote on the front of this book.
On YA heroines: I kind of think that if they’re not happy, we have to see this actually affecting them. You know, like in more than just angst. Like, I want to see the girl whose parents are dead actually showing some morning for them. Not just how bad she feels to be stuck with a bunch of new people. Or if she doesn’t have friends, so show her as being awkward and unsure around people, and having a stinking interest other than Lawl that guy is SOOOO HAWT! Or you could have someone like Tohru from Fruits Basket whose mother just died and is trying to make the best of it because she knows that her mother would want her to struggle and live her life, but felt guilty because she didn’t say goodbye to her mother the day she died.
But first and foremost MAKE ME LIKE YOUR HEROINE. Angsty past =/= liking. And whining that your dead parents didn’t make you pretty enough doesn’t make me like her either.
What’s worse is that, once again, there is potential. The fact that she’s afraid to go to college, could have shown some kind of insecurity or lack of self-esteem. Here, it’s just wangst.
Fireshark on 17 February 2013, 04:59 said:
I’m really tired of these generic protagonists. If the story’s going to be all about the hawt mysterious boy, why not just let him be the viewpoint character? He’s the only one that’s going to get developed.
Either that, or give the girl a couple defining traits that people will actually remember. And angstiness stopped counting a long time ago.
Interesting article. YA covers are quite unimaginative, and I really do wonder at the generic pretty girls and cut-off heads. And I always appreciate a pretty chart or two.
But now I’m just bothered that the author insists on spelling “latina” as “latin@” and I have no idea why, much less how to pronounce it.
Azure on 17 February 2013, 15:09 said:
This pretty much sums up my thoughts on YA.
“Oh noes, my boyfriend broke up with me! We’ve been going out for three months now! Only a hot emo boy could cure me now!”
I believe that it’s because of the gender difference? Latino is for males and Latina for females. Latin@ can be used for either, as well as being gender neutral. There were a few suggestions to pronounce it “Latinat”, but I don’t know how well that worked out.
Juracan on 17 February 2013, 17:31 said:
…I am Hispanic, and I have never seen that term in my life.
Wait, wouldn’t the term ‘Hispanic’ negate the whole gender issue?
Tim on 17 February 2013, 17:43 said:
It’s in the FAQ, she links to some site as an answer to people pointing out it’s not a word by claiming it is.
It’s not a word, it’s a neologism, since the commercial at isn’t a letter in either Spanish or English and therefore can’t be part of a real word. It’s also stupid since the @ doesn’t really look like an O in most typefaces, and since “lantino” is held to be gender-neutral in English anyway.
Francois Tremblay on 17 January 2019, 06:21 said:
“Latin@” is horrible but at least it beats “latinx,” which is an abomination upon… pretty much all languages.
I don’t know why people hate Hispanics so much that they want to burden them with ridiculously mangled nomenclature.