Note: I transcribed most of this from the Amazon preview, since I refuse to give this guy money and I can’t find a PDF of the thing anywhere. If there are any mistakes, please let me know and I’ll correct them. There are probably loads of them because this story steadily drove me insane and I don’t remember typing half of this. Anyway, uh, enjoy! I was going to split this into two parts, but it’s not so long it can’t be all in one part.
Background info: Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate is a word-salad title for a book that seems to be set in medieval times, except there are ‘technodragons’ (whatever those are) and there’s a lot of physics wank. Kenneth Eng is a known racist nutjob who is currently in jail, and for all we know is still writing. Back in the day he went around several fantasy/SF forums, trying to pimp his book. Most of the reviews on Amazon.com are obvious sockpuppets of Mr. Eng himself.
tl;dr: dude is crazy.
I had the pleasure of sporking this with two ubernerds (Sly and Exit), so I’m sure they’ll point out anything wrong with Mr. Eng’s logic.
Here we go.
Time is not a concept. It is a word.
SS— Time is a concept, “time” is a word. /pedant
And like any word, it can be manipulated according to one’s subjective state.
SS— Subjectively, I don’t see where you are going with this.
Just like quantum mechanics and relativity are unified in that they require perception to create reality, every passing trice can be toiled at one’s will — or against one’s will.
K— I can’t really make head or tail of this so far, but hey, isn’t it a nice day?
SS— Boy, that’s an obscure use of the word trice.
Yet, in the tides of linear moments and unfolded space, there is a realm beyond which any ordinary creature can reach.
K— “Come on! Reach for it! Reach for it! It’s only eight feet up! Reeeach!”
SS— Tides of linear moments. Right. This introduction is so laughably pretentious and incorrect.
One must forget everything he has learned and retain only the one thing that matters in existence if he is to attain the ultimate state of omniscience – the essence of the Lexicon.
SS— You are awfully vague about what the one thing that matters in existence is. Nice sentence.
Across the lands of the ever-changing World, between the globe’s poles and past the dying terrain of Aurahelm, there laid the prominent kingdom of Drakemight.
K— What is this, World of Warcraft? Be more generic, please.
SS— DrakeMIIIIGHT. You couldn’t have made it any more obvious dragons lived here, I guess.
It was a civilization as grand as it was elegant, a place where knowledge towered above all else. Architecture stretched to the skies in the forms of simple geometric shapes, complex and intelligently crafted, but untainted by the opposing thumbs of man.
K— Those damn opposing thumbs are always messing things up.
SS— This makes it sound like knowledge is literally those funky looking towers.
No, this was a kingdom of dragons, undimmed in splendor amidst the fabric of glorious earth, striving to survive and striving to understand all that laid within comprehension.
SS— In a moment you will see they aren’t really striving to survive. They do a pretty easy job of it.
K— Darwin would be so proud.
In front of the walls that surrounded its perimeters, there was a single dragon that stood guard under the dusk sky. Perching upon the edge of the stony barricade, he watched over the mossy, rock-speckled plains that lay past the city, making certain that no attackers breached. Or, at least he was supposed to be watching.
SS— Aww, what a lovable slacker!
Instead, however, his green eyes were fixated on a book in his emerald-scaled talons,
SS— Let me guess, he is green all over?
K— Sounds like the start of a riddle. What’s green and green and pretentious all over?
Exit— Why do his talons have scales?
deeply engrossed in the physical and scientific laws it dictated upon its pages.
K— Heil physics!
He was aware that his actions were an explicit violation of collective code, but he wasn’t worried. His battle-scarred plate armor and tarnished scabbard were enough to remind him that he had quite enough experience to combat any poor soul that dared to assail his post.
SS— Do you need to be reminded? Seems like something I would remember pretty easily regardless of armor.
Exit— That’s worse than the mirror scene for exposition, seriously. Wtf.
“Interesting,” muttered Dennagon to himself. “The force of gravity is 9.8 meters per second squared on this planet, but not in space. I wonder if ‘space’ actually exists.”
SS— Interesting, you seem to have confused the concepts of force and acceleration. You see, Kenneth, that’s the acceleration due to gravity, but not the actual force! Force = Mass x Acceleration. Nice one, you’ve just ruined your entire physics credibility you tried so hard to build with your idiot name drops of relativity and quantum mechanics. Next time you should attempt to graduate from college instead of—
K— [bonk]
Exit— He also seems to think that there is an invisible line, where on one side there is gravity and on the other there is space and no gravity.
His eyes crawled down to the bottom of the page.
K— Ew, it did? That’s gross.
SS— My eyes regularly crawl over people’s bodies, as I undress them with my eyes?
K— I’m not even going to try explaining that mental image. [curls up in corner]
He did not want to stray in his thought, for he felt that he had not read enough today.
SS— You can think while reading, you know… kind of like you can chew gum while walking. Or maybe, Dennagon can’t, because he also needs help getting his pants on in the morning.
K— And his helmet. …brb going to punish myself
“Oh well, I’ll probably never travel there anyway,” he said to quell his imagination.
SS— Foreshadowing, hey-o.
Exit— I don’t know about you, but telling myself I’ll never experience something doesn’t mean I stop wondering about it. Zero-G anyone? My point is, this is stupid.
The wind flipped a page just as he finished it.
SS— Convenient. That’s always been a wish of mine.
K— I wish for chocolate truffles! … Anyone? Anyone?
At the same moment, a clutter of footsteps rumbled the terrain.
SS— Not everything has to rumble the terrain, you know.
Exit— So, he 1) Finished the page, 2) the wind blew the book to the next page, and 3) this coincidence was rendered useless at exactly the same moment by footsteps.
They were metallic, banging against the stones upon the field and and tearing up the moss upon the dirt. A loud cranking sound churned as well, wooden and monstrous.
K— “It’s wooden Gojiraaaa!”
However, Dennagon did not even budge. He knew what was coming and how to handle it.
K— Give me one reason to like the protagonist. Just one, that’s all I ask.
SS— He’s related to Saphira.
K— [loads pistol]
SS— Dragons are just cool!
A train of human knights with shimmering armor and horses of aegises adorned marched forth.
SS— Adorned? On what? Wha? Oh, adorned on the armor? Uh?
K— I did a double-take while transcribing that line.
Exit— Wait, what is being adorned on the armor? Horses of Aegises? ….
Wheeling a catapult amongst their lines, they loaded a boulder. Equipping their shields, they fell into combative positions, orderly as they were taught by their predecessors.
SS— Beginning his sentence with a gerund, Kenneth Eng wrote a bad combat scene.
K— It only gets worse from here…
Reptilian bones decorated their tunics, granting them their only source of bravery in this battle.
SS— Because of humans are savages and cowards, eh?
K— Duh, every pretentious story of the past half-century says so.
Exit— WAIT. These people have horses owned by shields adorned on their armor. And they have reptile bones on their tunics?! And these reptile bones are literally the only reason they aren’t running away like chickens? How can you even see their tunics THROUGH THE ARMOR.
K— Don’t question the story, you’ll hurt yourself.
“And I wonder,” pondered Dennagon whilst he continued browsing, “if these worldly variables are actually constant.”
SS— Time for more pretentious ponderings on metaphysics.
Exit— I will skip commenting on the fact he uses pondered and whilst and worldly in the same sentence. I’ll just point out that the author is saying that Dennagon is discovering that gravity is constant…implying either that the book doesn’t or that Dennagon is an idiot. Either way, something is wrong here.
The commanding paladin trotted up front.
K— Hey, it’s my guild leader! What the hell is he doing in this story?
“Desist beast!” he shouted under his cage-visor helm. “Prepare to be vanquished!”
SS— That’ll work.
“Could you attack me later? I’m in the middle of a tome.”
K— Oh, Kenneth. Your loftiness knows no bounds.
SS— That was the least clever retort I’ve ever read. I’m so distraught. Also, it totally didn’t work.
Exit— I’m fairly sure he thinks he’s being funny.
K— You mean like exactly what we think we’re doing?
Exit— But less good, of course. :P
They armed their lances.
SS— To each lance, they gave a sword.
Exit— A sword to which there was adorned a pony.
“Charge, valiant knights! Destroy this abomination!”
SS— Whoopie!
With that, they charged forth. Lances pointed, they rushed to run through their target like they had run through so many other creatures in their path.
K— Because humans are just terrible like that. Dragons aren’t fire-breathing carnivorous beasts, no sir. They’re better.
Blood boiled in their veins, fueling their avaricious anger.
SS— Gatorade runs through my veins, fueling my soccer rage. /corporate sponsorship
K— The above message brought to you by Gatorade. Is it in you?
SS— (they better send me that check)
Dennagon nonchalantly
K— —BECAUSE HE’S REALLY COOL—
dropped down from his perched position to the ground. Without even taking his eyes off his book, he casually thrust his fist out, punching a hole straight through the head of one of his enemies as it charged.
SS— Wow, just wow.
The decapitated body still hanging off his forearm, he merely shifted his fist to the side so that the others could run into it. Expectedly, they did, blasting apart their own skulls on his scaly knuckles.
SS— Wow, just wow.
K— Just then, pineapples! Thousands of them!
SS— After all that talk about physics, I like the blatant disregard for how physics, and heads, and fists actually work.
Exit— This is just…so…it’s exactly the trope. There’s not even subversion here. It’s not even the trope done well.
Shocked, the remaining knights armed their archery equipment
K— —also known as a bow—
and fired a volley of arrows.
SS— Just like that.
Their draconic prey simply snatched the hilt of his scabbard and ripped out a sword of pristine green metal.
SS— Just when I thought things couldn’t get greener—
Exit— I like the use of adjectives here. Their draconic prey (HE’S A DRAGON!) simply snatched…out a sword of pristine green (IT RHYMES. AND HE’S GREEN.) metal.
Whirling the blade about, he deflected the shots, shattering shafts into wooden shards that spurt across the air in splintered clouds.
SS— —they got stupider.
Exit— Wait. …so to clarify this… Dennagon jumps down, holds out his arm, acts relaxed, a whole bunch of soldiers run into it with enough speed to decapitate themselves, then the rest of the soldiers are like “HOLY SHIT” and fire a lot of arrows at him and then he pulls out his sword and blocks every single arrow. And his sword is green.
SS— Way to describe it better than it was written.
When they ran out of ammunition,
K— —also known as arrows—
SS— Actually, pies.
K— Oh, you.
he thought they would finally leave, but these humans were a bit dumber than most he had met. They drew their close-combat weapons.
K— Also known as swords.
SS— Don’t be silly, they use sticks with bits of string tied on.
K— Come now, you can’t kill a dragon with a stick! You have to jam a few cashews on the end of it first.
Exit— They continue firing arrows at him, because it’s clearly having an effect, until they have RUN OUT OF ARROWS. Then they decide that it is a good idea to move into phase 3 of combat, distinct from phase 1 (run at it with enough speed to decapitate yourself) and 2 (fire arrows at it mindlessly).
Sighing, he set down his book and faced them.
SS— Put it on the ground?
“All right, let’s get it over with.”
SS— LET’S GO!!!!
Hominid war cries were bellowed.
SS— Oh, I missed my cue. LET’S GO!!!!
The knights attacked all at once, and in an instant, Dennagon found himself in the center of a bladed flurry.
K— Those snowflakes are hella pointy. … Oh, not that kind of flurry? Disregard that, I need a break.
SS— Way to let them surround you, Dennangon.
Exit— Phase 3 is apparently “draw your close-combat weapons, yell really loudly, and all swing your swords at once.
Swinging his sword around, he clashed against multiple weapons, parrying them to the ground and into the air. Albeit he was only twice the size of a human, his brute force was not enough to defeat their highly coordinated onslaught.
K— Picture the fights in West Side Story. When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way—
SS— I’m not sure you know how the word “Albeit” works in English…
K— Wasn’t he a British king?
Exit— So let me get this straight. He can slice volleys of arrows out of the air, but he can’t defeat the “highly coordinated onslaught” of the remaining humans? The humans that previously ran into his arm and decapitated themselves? Isn’t he supposed to have survived many encounters with the humans? Plus these humans are more stupid than the usual, we’ve established.
Nevertheless, he was the one that did not rely on strength to succeed.
SS— Sure he doesn’t.
A knight lept onto his back and held a halberd over his cranium. Taking a roll, he crushed the adversary under his weight and threw the body at an incoming swordsman.
SS— All this while he is in a bladed-flurry?
Another unit
SS— TRAINING HUMAN SOLIDER: ATT 5, DEF 2, HP 15.
K— Hey, I liked Age of Empires. … WHO KILLED MY MONK?! FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU—
SS— AoE II is still my favorite RTS…
tried to throw a spear at his flank, but he slid onto his side and let the projectile fly over him and hit a human behind him.
SS— Like this isn’t the oldest stunt in the books. Some original choreography here.
Spinning around, he then swept his sword in bladed and bloody arcs,
SS— This is a blade that makes arcs that are also bladed. That’s sort of fractal.
K— Did you hear that? It sounded like…physics. Screaming.
paving through his enemies in a gory surge. Severed human parts fell everywhere, and red painted the terrain.
SS— Red is a famous Baroque painter, noted for his extensive use of the color red when painting vivid landscapes.
K— “If it ain’t Baroque, don’t fix it.”
The catapult then launched. Dennagon sprung into the air, flapping two wings that batted down a few more men in his way. Heaving his entire bodyweight, he slammed into the flying boulder, catching it before it could collide into the wall.
K— For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Sooo…he should probably be hurtling away with the boulder in his arms, right?
SS— Hay, physics is my field of inquiry!
Exit— Erm, well, as long as his wings exerted enough force on the air…
Gyrating like a top,
K— “Pelvic thrust!”
he hurled it back at his opponents. The massive stone rolled across their lines, running them down like insects
K— Not the caterpillars!
Exit— Odama! (Anyone who got that joke, thumbs up)
until its bone-crushing path ended in a collision with the catapult. The launching mechanisms exploded into wood and metal fragments.
SS— Either these people have never heard of “dodge!” or that is a sentient boulder with an attitude.
K— Boulders are malevolent.
As he descended back to the ground, a sword was thrown at him.
SS— No way this is the stupidest move I always see in fantasy…
K— PASSIVE VOICE. PASSIVE VOICE. SMASH. SMASH. SMASH. SMASH.
Blending to the side, he let it skim by his chest.
SS— Chameleons are pretty cool, but I don’t think even they could blend to the side.
It cut through the air, grazing the ground as it reeled, and hitting his book.
SS— English at its finest.
K— Man, I don’t even pay as much attention to grammar as I say I do, and this is offending my sensibilities. :c
Exit— This is going to be one of those things where it’s like “You killed my book! D:<” Hulks out isn’t it? Eurg.
The blade penetrated through the cover and out the back, dragging it across the dirt until it was pinned to the wall.
SS— English still at its finest. Also, I’m pretty sure what was just described was the absolutely stupidest thing I’ve ever read. Seriously. That book was on the ground. The sword stabbed through it, so it should be stabbed into the ground, but no, it keeps travelling until it is impaled into a wall?
The bookmark fell out.
SS— Don’t worry, it should be easy to remember your place. You were just pondering how the “force” due to gravity was 9.8 m/s.
Exit— Actually his latest ponder was if that worldly variable was perhaps constant.
Dennagon growled.
“Oh, that does it.”
SS— You can tell this guy is badass because he acts like an idiot.
K— Ah ha ha, the usually-calm-until-one-minor-offense-then-he-goes-insane trope. That’s so original. It’s even got a name—the Berserk Button.
The humans hurriedly gathered their things, frantically trying to decide whether to retreat or fight.
SS— Children, gather up your playthings. It’s time to go now.
Exit— Wait, what things do they have to gather up? I mean, there’s the arrows, but they’re all dust now, and there’s the broken catapult….but that’s it. Oh wait, there’s the heads of the people that ran into Dennagon’s arm fast enough to decapitate themselves (yeah I’m not getting over that).
Dennagon bore his fangs and spread his jaws, creating a heated ignition from his esophagus.
SS— Worst. Description. Of fire breathing. Ever.
Exit— Wait. So it’s an ignition, but not an ordinary ignition? A heated one.
With a huge grunt, he let out a burst of green-hot flame from his nostrils and mouth, casting hellish heat upon his adversaries.
K— Strangely enough, hellish heat is exactly 900 degrees Kelvin.
Exit— …THE FLAME IS GREEN. THE FLAME IS GREEN. whimpers
Those in the center of the fire were cooked instantly in their armor. The others, who were perhaps not as lucky, had their metal shells melted in the blaze, and liquid iron streamed through their flesh.
K— Just add a little paprika and they’ll be good to go.
The few that survived did not have a moment’s time to think before fleeing into the night, screaming like little girls.
Exit— I guess he melted the reptile bones on their tunics.
SS— Kind of makes you wonder why he didn’t do this in the first place, seeing as it would have saved a lot of trouble. And it would have saved us from the anime-ish descriptions of a retarded fight scene. I get this feeling this book doesn’t even want to respect itself.
The leading paladin was left alone. Battered and beaten by too many hits with the draconic sword, he still held his sword high.
SS— I’m surprised anyone could have withstood a single blow from that guy, but okay.
Exit— I was going to say…
“Your gold is mine! MINE!” he roared.
K— Suddenly they’re pirates?
SS— I think the idea is that they are greedy pigs, heh. Oh man, I love that Kenneth Eng’s racism towards humans seeps so easily into his writing.
K— …So they’re pirates then.
SS— Arr, give me some booty, lass.
K— Terrible Pun Man strikes again!
The foolish man dashed in for a final attack.
SS— I like it when authors say things like “foolish” which we could easily see for ourselves.
Dennagon pulled his book out of the wall, and with a mighty swing, he swatted the predator.
SS— The what? Seems like Dennangon is the predator here. Seriously, Dennanangon is the one swatting people.
A splat sounded and there was only gore
K— —Albert’s cousin from Vancouver—
upon the stone barriers.
SS— He so completely destroyed that person that there is nothing left but pulp, I guess.
Exit— With a book.
Lifting his tome, he brushed off the remains of his adversary and blew the dust off the bloody pages.
SS— Okay, you can not blow dry dust off of a page wet with dust. Have you even seen what dust is?
As the smashed remains fell, he continued reading.
SS— Me, I’d probably not be in the mood for reading after that. I’d want a cold shower.
K— Nonsense, only hot water will get the entrails off. And a little tile cleaner. And borax, and bleach, and—
SS— I guess I shall cede to your experience.
“The only forms of gold I own are the bars of knowledge, simple human.”
K— This story is cheesier than gouda. Wake me when it’s over.
SS— Maybe Denanynagon should consider just giving the humans a little gold so they leave him alone. Bribing doesn’t seem like a big deal.
Just as he found his lost page, horns blared from within the walls. Reluctantly, he shut his tome again.
K— ‘Tome’ is not a generic fancy term for a book, I don’t think. Then again I’m not a genius like Mr. Eng.
“Drakemight calls. This day is over.”
SS— Drakemight being his mother.
—To the calling, he flew to the inner city.
Polyhedrons, all simple in shape, stretched up from the ground for several miles into the sky. It was a vast maze of
K— —corn.
geometric shapes built of stone, metal and glass, not unlike most medieval constructions.
SS— What? Since when medieval constructions built like vast mazes of geometric shapes? Oh. You mean the building material? Sentence fail.
However, there was something oddly advanced in the architecture, something strangely futuristic about how it was designed. After all, it did reach ten times higher than most castles of its era.
SS— You’d think the whole thing being built out of geometric shapes would be a tip-off.
K— So let’s say a castle is about nine stories tall, and a story is about ten feet, so it’s 900 feet tall, and multiply that by ten and holy crikey that’s a tall castle and might not even be structurally sound I am blown away ladies and gentlemen—
Exit— I think he does not know what castles are. That’s really the only explanation here.
Crowds of dragons flew through the aerial streets, draped in armor and equipped with weapons.
K— Why?
SS— They are constantly under danger of attack by incredibly puny humans.
K— Huh. Okay, I guess I can accept that…maybe after hitting myself in the skull with a sledgehammer a few times, but still.
Dennagon was amongst them, another creature trying to make his way through the World, trying to find his way home.
SS— sniffles Me too Denanangon! I can totally sympathize with your struggle to be heard and found in this bewildering world.
His armor was identical to all the other sentries that surrounded him in every direction, and he appeared no different than any of the hundreds that inhabited the kingdom. The very atmosphere of the place sickened him, for he detested his likeness to the rest of his comrades.
SS— He just wants to be different!
Nonetheless, it was not his position to question anyone. He didn’t even want to talk to them.
K— This guy is about as snowflakey as a guy can get…
Speedily, he found his way through the masses and located a particular dodecahedron that was built into the city.
K— Dang, even his house is a snowflake.
Opening a hatch that lay at its base, he crawled into his domicile and slammed the door shut. Peace and quiet at last.
K— Does he have some dodecahe-drones to keep him company? I know I do.
Inside the ten-sided stone chamber,
Exit— … Dodecahedrons do not have ten sides. They have 12. However, if he is counting instead the walls of this chamber, there should be 5, as each side of a dodecahedron is a pentagon. So: ten wtf.
SS— Hush now, you are detracting from his pretentiousness.
books were stacked everywhere. From volumes of science to catalogs of mathematics, history, and the languages of many species, they littered his realm. Each of them had been browsed at least once, and he knew it was time to get some more books.
Exit— We get it. He likes books.
K— I like them too, they make good chairs.
SS— To be fair, I could describe my room like that.
K— Yeah, but you’re a nerd.
SS— And nerds aren’t ultrabuff dragons, so yeah.
Exit— They are in escapist fantasies! fanfare
However, he rarely had a moment to spare, as he had a life to lead and a war to win. A war that raged across the entire globe.
Exit— He never has a moment to spare, what with the endless commotion involved in guard duty. Wait. This guy is commanding a war? Why is he on guard duty?
SS— Stop. Thinking.
Stained glass windows lined each of the faces of the chamber, yet all of them were intentionally tarnished with charcoal. He had burnt them long ago because he knew there was nothing to see outside.
K— The tones ring clear in my heart..
Only the kingdom that he was unfortunately too familiar with. The charred markings, however, were fading, and perhaps it was time to blacken them once more. Then again, if they stood one more burning, they would probably fracture.
Exit— You know, you can cover windows. >_> You don’t have to burn them and ruin stained glass.
SS— That’s not technically charcoal either. And no, glass doesn’t char when you burn it. There is nothing to char!
Exit— It discolors…haven’t you seen those videos of glassblowers?
SS— That’s not the way he is describing it though. There shouldn’t be a layer of char forming on it.
Exit— Yes, true. Wait. What if he burnt them…and then smeared charcoal on them?
SS— Then he would only be as retarded as he usually is, I guess.
K— You’re putting way too much thought into this.
Stepping betwits piles of books,
Exit— Betwits. I think he was going for betwixt here…
K— I think that was probably an error on my part—transcribing this steadily made me crazier.
he reached down through many sloppily organized scrolls and pulled out a crystal ball. Stroking it with his talons,
K— Insert dirty comment here.
he let streams of energy run through his claws, recharging the magical item with the mana of his mind. It lit up as if given the breath of life.
SS— Careful, you’ve got to let some mana regenerate after that one battle.
“What new events have emerged?” he asked.
SS— Ah, time to watch the good old television.
K— The Amazon preview ended here. Awwwww. Well, I’ll try to find some other bits and pieces. Eventually. Anyone got a PDF?
LiquidNitrogen on 17 February 2009, 02:25 said:
Tides of linear motion?
scratches head
SubStandardDeviation on 17 February 2009, 04:57 said:
Bravo, you three. I was too indignant upon reading/sporking this dreck to try to inject any humor into it.
K— “If it ain’t Baroque, don’t fix it.”
Hee hee.
To be fair to the poor maligned dodecahedron, the ceiling and the floor might not count as ‘sides’. However, by this time into the excerpt, Mr. Eng has exhausted all the goodwill I might have ever bestowed upon him with his unlikeable, Stu-ish self-insert.
scary_viking on 17 February 2009, 06:39 said:
You know, you guys need to read the section more carefully. It is NEVER stated that the soldiers DECAPITATE themselves by running into the fist:
The decapitated body still hanging off his forearm, he merely shifted his fist to the side so that the others could run into it. Expectedly, they did, blasting apart their own skulls on his scaly knuckles.
This isn’t decapitation! Their heads EXPLODED!
D:
Lucywannabe on 17 February 2009, 11:27 said:
….
You know, I never thought I’d say this, but I think this is worse than Eragon.
Apep on 17 February 2009, 14:34 said:
Isn’t that some sign of the apocalypse?
Nate Winchester on 17 February 2009, 15:06 said:
dropped down from his perched position to the ground. Without even taking his eyes off his book, he casually thrust his fist out, punching a hole straight through the head of one of his enemies as it charged.
NW – Why are the humans charging a target perched off the ground? Why does he get down? Wouldn’t they have just smashed themselves into the wall?
Dennagon was amongst them, another creature trying to make his way through the World, trying to find his way home.
NW – I’m reminded of SW2:Attack of the Clones. Jango Fett to Obi-Wan: “I’m just a simple man, trying to make my way through the universe.”
SS— And nerds aren’t ultrabuff dragons, so yeah.
NW – Don’t know what you mean SS. Some of us are.
he let streams of energy run through his claws, recharging the magical item with the mana of his mind
NW – You don’t get mana from a dragon’s mind. You get it by tapping land or some artifacts! Geez, first he gets physics wrong, then Magic:TG.
GC on 17 February 2009, 15:53 said:
AOE II AND Odama! That’s good taste, it is.
Lucywannabe on 17 February 2009, 19:12 said:
@Apep: Oh, no! That’s right, it—~ded by ninja…or something~
Corsair on 17 February 2009, 21:42 said:
Wow…this is worse than Eragon and Twilight combined. Eng has some skill.
The Drunk Fox on 17 February 2009, 23:03 said:
Time is not a concept. It is a word.
DF – And words are used to communicate things like concepts, so…yeah. Any way you look at it, time is still a concept.
SS— Tides of linear moments. Right. This introduction is so laughably pretentious and incorrect.
DF – Don’t forget the unfolded space!
One must forget everything he has learned and retain only the one thing that matters in existence if he is to attain the ultimate state of omniscience – the essence of the Lexicon.
DF – The Lexicon is not a concept. It is a word. Also, how is one supposed to retain ‘the one thing that matters in existence’ if one must forget everything?
SS— DrakeMIIIIGHT. You couldn’t have made it any more obvious dragons lived here, I guess.
DF – Sure he could! Like Dracland, or Dragonhome, or Dragononia! He just can’t make it any more obvious that the dragons are MIGHTY DRAGONS (the caps being for loud emphasis, not yelling).
It was a civilization as grand as it was elegant, a place where knowledge towered above all else. Architecture stretched to the skies in the forms of simple geometric shapes, complex and intelligently crafted, but untainted by the opposing thumbs of man.
DF – A toddler can make stuff with simple geometric shapes, too. That doesn’t make it complex or intelligently crafted.
“Interesting,” muttered Dennagon to himself. “The force of gravity is 9.8 meters per second squared on this planet, but not in space. I wonder if ‘space’ actually exists.”
DF – There is gravity here. There’s no gravity in space. Therefore, space doesn’t exist? LOGIC FAIL.
K— And his helmet. …brb going to punish myself
DF – You mean you’re not already punishing yourself by reading this?
The wind flipped a page just as he finished it.
DF – Because the very forces of nature wanted this story to end as soon as possible.
At the same moment, a clutter of footsteps rumbled the terrain.
DF – Damn footsteps, cluttering up the place.
A train of human knights with shimmering armor and horses of aegises adorned marched forth.
DF – Okay, the dictionary defines an aegis as a shield or breastplate emblematic of majesty that was associated with Zeus and Athena, or as protection, influence, or sponsorship. Furthermore, Wikipedia adds that it can mean a large collar or cape worn in ancient times to display the protection provided by a high religious authority. So either the grammar here is completely screwed up beyond recognition, or Kenneth Eng is using some definition of the word aegis that I literally cannot find.
“Desist beast!” he shouted under his cage-visor helm. “Prepare to be vanquished!”
DF – Desist what? He’s just lying there doing nothing.
K— Because humans are just terrible like that. Dragons aren’t fire-breathing carnivorous beasts, no sir. They’re better.
DF – Didn’t you know? These dragons use photosynthesis. It’s why every visible part of them is green.
Hominid war cries were bellowed.
DF – LEEROOOOOOOY! JENKINS!
K— Picture the fights in West Side Story. When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way—
DF – Unlike this book, West Side Story grows younger. And is interesting. And makes some amount of sense. And- well, you get the picture.
Another unit
DF – Alpha Squad, GO GO GO!
SS— Red is a famous Baroque painter, noted for his extensive use of the color red when painting vivid landscapes.
DF – Wasn’t Red one of the trainers from the original Pokemon games? WTF is he doing in this book? And why is he painting?
Gyrating like a top,
DF – He’s break-dance fighting!
SS— Chameleons are pretty cool, but I don’t think even they could blend to the side.
DF – The side of what, though?
“Oh, that does it.”
DF – Well maybe you should’ve been more careful with your stuff.
With a huge grunt, he let out a burst of green-hot flame from his nostrils and mouth, casting hellish heat upon his adversaries.
DF – What, was he swigging gas-line antifreeze and eating roach killer before the knights showed up?
SS— The what? Seems like Dennangon is the predator here. Seriously, Dennanangon is the one swatting people.
DF – Nah, Dennangon can’t be a predator. He’s photosynthetic, remember?
Lifting his tome, he brushed off the remains of his adversary and blew the dust off the bloody pages.
DF – I might be wrong, but I’d think that Dennangon getting blood all over his book would’ve done more damage to it than whatever that sword did.
His armor was identical to all the other sentries that surrounded him in every direction, and he appeared no different than any of the hundreds that inhabited the kingdom. The very atmosphere of the place sickened him, for he detested his likeness to the rest of his comrades
DF – So he just hates everybody, then. He’ll be the perfect protagonist*!
(*The previous statement is a lie.)
Opening a hatch that lay at its base, he crawled into his domicile and slammed the door shut. Peace and quiet at last.
DF – The design’s not that good if he has to crawl to get inside.
Exit— He never has a moment to spare, what with the endless commotion involved in guard duty. Wait. This guy is commanding a war? Why is he on guard duty?
DF – So that the author could show off his Gary-Stu- I mean, his hero’s l33t fighting skillz.
SS— That’s not the way he is describing it though. There shouldn’t be a layer of char forming on it.
DF – To be fair, he might be thinking of the black stuff that forms on surfaces near or over burning candles. It’s still not char, but it looks close enough. He’s claiming to be doing this with fire alone, though, so that’s all the rope I’ll give him.
The Drunk Fox on 18 February 2009, 01:12 said:
Sorry for the extreme length of the last post, by the way; I got a bit carried away.
And, um…sorry for the double-post too, while I’m at it.
SlyShy on 18 February 2009, 02:18 said:
Haha, no worries. We’ve gotten about as large of posts that contained only rants about how we’ve no right to judge Paolini. :P
Pi on 18 February 2009, 07:40 said:
I’m a little disappointed that Chemistry doesn’t feature as much as Physics does. You go into depth about forces, Newtons third law and that but chemistry you just make statements such as that soot won’t be deposited but don’t explain why.
Soot is a product of incomplete combustion, which would come from any form of fuel the dragon uses, if they use fuel… This dragons flame does not allow for complete combustion and is hence a producer of harmful carbon monoxide. This site should feature science as much as texts. lets see you rip apart a dodgy textbook.
offended on 18 February 2009, 11:22 said:
Hi guys I’ve been browsing this site for a while and I’ve enjoyed what I’ve read about trash like eragon and twilight but how can you hate this!!
Maybe you can’t see it cuz you’re complete REJECTS of society but ENG really KNOWS what he’s TALKING ABOUT! Eng realises the insignificance of all life and challenges it in this d:lt!! I now some people say he sucks and how can you take him seriously if he uses dragons to bring across this BRILLIANT premise but don’t you see that the onl way he COULD have done it was in THIS way?! By removing ANY RELATION between the us and the dragons who represent a THEORETICALLY PERFECT STATE OF EXISTENCE Eng is able to work on his theme using the perspective of someone who is both an OUTSIDER and an INSIDER when it comes to the insignificance of life!!!
You can see this when in how he easily kills a hundred HUMAN WORRIERS and feels NO remorse WHATSOEVER as his OUTSIDER perspective and his INSIDER perspective can be seen by the way that he doesn’t like being like EVERY OTHER DRAGON!! HE IS AWARE OF HIS INSIGNIFICANCE! He is AWARE that if we don’t DO something with our LIVES then we are NOTHING EXCEPT TRASH much like the TRASH who Denagon wastes early in the book and if you actually were SERIOUS ABOUT UNDERSTANDING ENG’S WORK you would have actually PAID for the book and sat down and READ IT LIKE IT WAS MEANT TO BE!!! I did and it absolutely changed my way of THINKING for life! Eng rights in a very VERY lucid a nd CLEAR manner that brings across his theories and I know you might find the technical things DIFFICULT because your all RETARDS but if you just SHOW IT TO SOMEONE WHO NOWS THERE PHYSICS LIKE SAY MY PHYSICS TEACHER WHO I LEANT MY COPY OF THE BOOK TO YOU’D UNDERSTAND THAT ENG ACTUALLY KNOWS WHAT HE’S TALKING ABOUT!!!
I USED to respect you guys but I think I’m OUT OF HERE now because you obviously don’t know WHAT THE HELLyour tlking about and btw kitty slyshy and exit YOUR ABOUT AS FUNNY AS A BUS FULL OF SLEDGEHAMEMRS THAT JUST CRASHED INTO A BABY
Rand on 18 February 2009, 12:33 said:
Before we tear the above writer apart, who is ENG again?
Aquanaut on 18 February 2009, 13:10 said:
Dude, the person at message #14, wasn’t Winged joking around ? Because when I put my cursor over it’s name, it says “ dr@lligat.or “. Wasn’t his “new” nickname on DEM forums ?
… Or it’s the author himself who’s trying to defend his “work”.
Nate Winchester on 18 February 2009, 15:28 said:
Oooo…. I’m going to have fun.
Hi guys I’ve been browsing this site for a while and I’ve enjoyed what I’ve read about trash like eragon and twilight but how can you hate this!!
Because, like eragon and twilight, it is trash. Thought you said you’ve been browsing.
Maybe you can’t see it cuz you’re complete REJECTS of society but ENG really KNOWS what he’s TALKING ABOUT!
Except none of us are in jail so technically… Eng is the reject of society.
Eng realises the insignificance of all life and challenges it in this d:lt!!
Been done before in Ecclesiastes, making this Older than Feudalism.
I now some people say he sucks and how can you take him seriously if he uses dragons to bring across this BRILLIANT premise but don’t you see that the onl way he COULD have done it was in THIS way?!
Nah, Jim Henson could have done it with muppets.
By removing ANY RELATION between the us and the dragons who represent a THEORETICALLY PERFECT STATE OF EXISTENCE Eng is able to work on his theme using the perspective of someone who is both an OUTSIDER and an INSIDER when it comes to the insignificance of life!!!
Just like Watership Down. The same thing but with BUNNIES!
You can see this when in how he easily kills a hundred HUMAN WORRIERS and feels NO remorse WHATSOEVER as his OUTSIDER perspective
Just like Eragon.
and his INSIDER perspective can be seen by the way that he doesn’t like being like EVERY OTHER DRAGON!! HE IS AWARE OF HIS INSIGNIFICANCE!
Just like anything emo.
He is AWARE that if we don’t DO something with our LIVES then we are NOTHING EXCEPT TRASH much like the TRASH who Denagon wastes early in the book and if you actually were SERIOUS ABOUT UNDERSTANDING ENG’S WORK you would have actually PAID for the book and sat down and READ IT LIKE IT WAS MEANT TO BE!!!
Serious? I thought you said you’ve been browsing this site for awhile. Where did you think we were serious?
I did and it absolutely changed my way of THINKING for life!
Technically, that’s true of anything you read. And your life isn’t over yet so you don’t know that for certain.
Eng rights in a very VERY lucid a nd CLEAR manner
Unlike you. Too bad your writing wasn’t changed for life by him. Or was it…
that brings across his theories and I know you might find the technical things DIFFICULT because your all RETARDS but if you just SHOW IT TO SOMEONE WHO NOWS THERE PHYSICS LIKE SAY MY PHYSICS TEACHER WHO I LEANT MY COPY OF THE BOOK TO YOU’D UNDERSTAND THAT ENG ACTUALLY KNOWS WHAT HE’S TALKING ABOUT!!!
Yep, the articles on the physics of eragon means we don’t know anything technical.
I USED to respect you guys
Promises promises
but I think I’m OUT OF HERE now because you obviously don’t know WHAT THE HELLyour tlking about and btw kitty slyshy and exit YOUR ABOUT AS FUNNY AS A BUS FULL OF SLEDGEHAMEMRS THAT JUST CRASHED INTO A BABY
That is pretty damn funny.
The Drunk Fox on 18 February 2009, 16:04 said:
This might not help much, but I’ve been doing some looking around today, and while I wasn’t able to find it, there are some copies of Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate in a few libraries. As in, twelve, according to WorldCat. I can list the libraries addresses if you guys want, and then if somebody’s near one they can go check out the book and give us more sporking material?
SlyShy on 18 February 2009, 16:57 said:
Guys, obvious troll is obvious.
Drunk Fox, oh snap. I didn’t think any library would circulate that crap… but if they have it, heh. So yeah, that’d be great, if you don’t mind.
SubStandardDeviation on 18 February 2009, 16:58 said:
UC Riverside?! Dangit, why didn’t I go there? And those poor Australians…
If y’all want a further laugh, go check out some of the Amazon.com author-sockpuppet reviews:
“Perhaps my world view is too narrow because I don’t want a book that includes everything. I found myself exhausted every time I started reading. There were just too many genres represented. Some people who aren’t as narrow minded as I am would probably really enjoy the creative mixture of science fiction and fantasy elements.”
Nate Winchester on 18 February 2009, 17:26 said:
Guys, obvious troll is obvious.
True, gives us great new comedy material though. Sometimes comedians are funnier when they take on hecklers.
SlyShy on 18 February 2009, 17:27 said:
Well, I’m not sure whether to be please that such a bad book isn’t widely distributed, or displeased that we’re having trouble getting our hands on a copy. I guess a mix of the two.
The Drunk Fox on 18 February 2009, 17:41 said:
SlyShy: Well, my local library didn’t, so I guess they have some taste (although I’m pretty sure they have all Paolini’s books).
SubStandardDeviation: I read those reviews last night, yeah. Love how anybody who doesn’t like the book ends up having to give it five stars to keep anything they have to say from getting deleted. “I mean, when have I ever seen a book that was all about dragons?” I don’t know if that commenter is a sockpuppet, but to answer the question: Dragonhenge would be one, and I personally think it’s much better than D:LT.
Anyway, addresses:
Toronto Public Library – Toronto, ON M4W 2G8 Canada
SUFFOLK COUNTY, NY PUBLIC LIBRARIES – Bellport, NY 11713 United States
University of California, Riverside – Riverside, CA 92517 United States
Alibris – Emeryville, CA 94608 United States
Maroochy Library – Nambour, 4560 Australia
Sunshine Coast Regional Coun – Nambour Qld, 4560 Australia
Cairns Library – Cairns, QLD 4870 Australia
Bayside Library Service – Brighton, VIC 3186 Australia
Gold Coast City Coun – Queensland, 9726 Australia
Ipswich Library & Inform Svc – Ipswich, 4305 Australia
State Library of S Australia Public Library Service – Hindmarsh Sa, 5007 Australia
If I absolutely have to, I think my library might be able to get a copy from one of the U.S. libraries. But I’d rather not try it except as a last resort.
Kitty on 18 February 2009, 18:09 said:
Very funny, Wingerator. I could tell it was you by the bus of sledgehammers comment. :B
Anyway, I’ve checked at my own library’s internets catalogue—no dice. I wish Riverside weren’t so far away.
The Drunk Fox on 18 February 2009, 18:26 said:
Kitty, does your library have the option of letting you borrow books from other libraries? The ones in the places I’ve lived (my family moved a lot) would generally have the library with the book in question mail said book to one where you could pick it up. Kind of like special ordering from a bookstore, except you have to give the book back eventually (which is a good thing, in this case).
Pi: They didn’t say that soot won’t be deposited on glass, they said that glass doesn’t char. Which it doesn’t, because as SlyShy said, there isn’t anything to char.
SubStandardDeviation on 18 February 2009, 18:45 said:
I looked up the UCR copy on Melvyl, the inter-UC exchange system, but it’s apparently for “library use only”.
SlyShy on 18 February 2009, 18:48 said:
Bet you the librarians there ordered it as a joke, and now refuse to relinquish it. :P
The Drunk Fox on 18 February 2009, 19:09 said:
Or they’re trying to collect as many copies as possible to keep them from ever seeing the light of day again, and they’re having about as much luck as we are.
sigh Sending a request now.
SlyShy on 18 February 2009, 19:26 said:
If you end up going through a lot of trouble for nothing, we’ll make you a commemorative shirt.
“I searched high and low for Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate, but all I got was this t-shirt.”
The Drunk Fox on 18 February 2009, 19:47 said:
Oooh! And you can put “I like the shirt better.” on the back?
Falstar on 18 February 2009, 19:54 said:
Well, at least no one used the power of their mighty thews in the heat of battle. >.>
SlyShy on 18 February 2009, 20:19 said:
Actually, D:LT uses the word thews somewhere… I brought that up in one of my old articles. Let me find it.
SlyShy on 18 February 2009, 20:20 said:
My bad, that was actually Eye of Argon. Heh.
Apep on 18 February 2009, 20:55 said:
And thank whatever gods you worship for that. That would be such concentrated literary horror that it would probably deserve mention in the Geneva Convention.
Nate Winchester on 19 February 2009, 10:51 said:
Very funny, Wingerator.
Oh! I totally misread the statement “Dude, the person at message #14, wasn’t Winged joking around ?” Color me embarrassed.
My hat’s off to you wingerator. Just call me the abbot to your costello. The martin to your lewis. etc
Marquis De Carabas on 19 February 2009, 18:28 said:
Hmm. I used to just hate Eng for supporting the Virginia Tech shootings.
Zooty on 20 February 2009, 08:34 said:
As if his writing was horrid enough, he’s also got a horrid background that screams insanity. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_Eng and http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/Kenneth_Eng especially. And I thought I could be misanthropic :|
The Angel Islington on 20 February 2009, 21:36 said:
This is like an abortion wrapped in a holocaust and squeezed through a pen on paper.
The whole thing can’t be this bad…surely…what is the plot exactly? Cause all I got from the l337 fight from above is that Prodragonist is a douchebag.
The Angel Islington on 20 February 2009, 21:51 said:
Just read his wiki.
Dude is psycho. Straight Up.
The Drunk Fox on 20 February 2009, 21:56 said:
We’ll see if it’s all that bad, if I or someone else can find a copy.
In other news, there’s some guy who apparently started doing a reading of the book on youtube, then gave up (or something) after part four (out of 316). I can link, if anyone wants?
Gia on 21 February 2009, 17:37 said:
Was the guy who threw his sword trained by Eragon? I think Eragon has a thing for throwing swords, doesn’t he?
Who or what is this “Lexicon Triumviate?” Is it the dragons that run Drakemight? The three major forces of physics (whatever Eng thinks they are)? Some sort of super-beings that mortals like us can’t comprehend because we aren’t as smart as Eng and Offended?
The Drunk Fox on 21 February 2009, 23:47 said:
All but two of these questions will be answered, once a copy of the book is found. At least, I hope they will.
Oh, and you might already know this, but Offended is just DrAlligator’s impression of a troll.
Nate Winchester on 23 February 2009, 09:10 said:
Throws you off when you hadn’t met Dr Alligator yet.
Hello sir. I salute you.
Mumbling Sage on 24 February 2009, 21:01 said:
Oh god…I have to admit, I had trouble getting past the first few paragraphs even with the aid of the spork…
Juniper on 26 February 2009, 13:28 said:
I watched a youtube video of this idiot and here is what the conversation basically went like:
Interviewer: So why do you hate white people?
Eng: Well, logically, evolution would have made dragons superior. So they would have guns.
Interviewer: Wha….okay. So why do you hate black people?
Eng: Because dragons have guns.
Interviewer: What’s with the dragon talk?
Eng: Dragons are really cool. I like dragons. They have guns.
Dan Locke on 26 February 2009, 17:44 said:
Link plox.
Snow White Queen on 27 February 2009, 20:47 said:
Oh my freakin’ god. rolls on the ground, dying
That was…just…undescribable.
One question, though- if Denny’s a dragon, how the heck can he hold a book? How large is his book going to be if he’s twice the size of a normal guy? On that tangent, how strong must the wind be to flip the page of a gigantic book?
Anonymous on 3 March 2009, 19:51 said:
Great spork! I’m wondering whether any of you read the works of the poet William McGonagall (dubbed Scotland’s worst poet). “The Tay Bridge Disaster” would be a very funny poem to spork…
Steph on 15 May 2009, 11:54 said:
Anyone sensing that here is the ‘man’ to rival Amanda McKitterick Ross?
Also, I just HAD to stick this in here… I saw some quick magazine interview (you know the type), and I swear…
(http://www.forewordmagazine.com/ftw/ftwarchives.aspx?id=20050601.htm)
FW: “What would you save from your home if it were burning?”
Eng: “My animal plushies, which are very important to the family. Especially Smoochy, our semi-dog semi-bunny doll, and Froggy, the big green frog. Definitely, I would save Dennagon, my dragon plushie.”
Your. House. Is. Burning. And. You. Want. To. Save. Smoochie.
Roughly translated, = Y O U I D I O T
I was laughing so hard I leaned forward too fast and hit my head on the computer desk- is this guy for real???
The answer: Yes. Yes, he is.
I’m going to have a nasty bruise thanks to this guy.
fffan on 8 February 2010, 03:42 said:
heh! i can totally relate to you guys. when i was browsing through this book in a bookstore, i had to keep on pausing, frowning and going back to the beginning of paragraphs trying to make sense of red-herring-ish scentences. then i had to keep telling myself that if i pondered too hard i would lower my I.Q points
Guignol on 25 February 2010, 15:56 said:
YOUR ABOUT AS FUNNY AS A BUS FULL OF SLEDGEHAMEMRS THAT JUST CRASHED INTO A BABY
But that’s hilarious! D:
Kloof on 18 April 2010, 13:29 said:
That’s it! Now I inspired spork something (even though it will probably suck) Look what you guys made me do….
….though I’m the one who’s been sitting here for twelve hours reading this stuff. That would probably be my own fault.
Bottom line, this is really very funny. More like incredibly hysterical. :D
nekros111 on 28 October 2011, 14:30 said:
What year was this written? Year not shown on date!
BettyCross on 29 October 2011, 13:06 said:
In this interview, Eng is either insane or jerking everybody’s chain. In this case, the two are mutually exclusive. No real schizo would have such a good sense of humor.
Autistic maybe?