Guess what! We’re back after a long period of extreme business to finish Nibly. Because this is the last chapter, we’re celebrating by doing this at Finn’s house! Not that that really matters to you guys, but we’ll send you some virtual tea.
Finn: This means I can watch my cat while I wait for Fair to finish typing!
Fair: Finn, are you saying your cat is more interesting to watch than my cat?
Anyway, chapter six begins and Nibly is beginning to feel a bit sick, and so decides to “…lay down beside the pathway (sidewalk?)”.
Y’know, I’m not really entirely sure why this book even has chapters. I mean, it’s only eleven pages long, with nine pages constituting actual story. This means each chapter is 1.5 pages long, including pictures.
…I began to feel really awful! My stomach churned!! Perhaps I was even turning somewhat green?
Two drinks for misuse of punctuation.
Finn: I don’t even think bears can turn green, seeing as they’re covered in fur. Besides, it’s a bear; he should have a big stomach and a good digestive system. They’re fine with eating garbage.
Fair: Exactly, eating burgers shouldn’t hurt him.
We then come across a picture that makes me wonder what exactly was in the burgers Nibly’s been eating, or if he’s inhaled too much second hand smoke, or something.
One drink.
Finn: From the picture, you can probably tell what’s coming up next…
Fair: Shhhh! Don’t give it away!
A man with long hair (who we can tell isn’t a hippy, because he doesn’t smell bad) sits beside him. Apparently, he’s a “Chief”.
“Chief of what?” I asked in my groggy, whoozey swirling, whirling state of mind. “I am Chief ‘Up in Smoke’ of the Walla-palloogey tribe.” “Well glad to know ya Chief,” I said lazily.
First of all, eating too much doesn’t feel at all like what’s described above. This makes me think Nibly may have eaten too much of something else, if you know what I mean.
Secondly, “Chief ‘Up in Smoke’ of the Walla-palloogey tribe”!? What the fuck was SNel thinking when he wrote this? Did he think people would find it cute or funny in some way? Someone needs to tell him this isn’t the 1950’s anymore.
Why did he feel the need to put this in? In the part of BC he’s writing about, there are plenty of aboriginal bands he could have put in here. He could have used the name of a historical chief, he could even have looked at one of the languages and made an authentic name. He didn’t even use an accurate illustration; the sort of clothing Chief is wearing is closer to something a stereotypical Native American in Arizona would wear.
Remember this?
Yeah.
One drink for bad description of eating too much, one for the picture, and ∞ drinks for racism.
Finn: Seriously, if SNel want us to believe that he isn’t a liar, he’s not doing a very good job of it.
“Listen Nibly, I’ve been following you around, here in the white man’s town, and I can tell you why you don’t feel so well right now.”
“Really, I got big ears Chief. Let’s have it!”
“Your problem is Nibly; you’ve been eating the people food. It’s commonly called ‘Junk Food.’ What you need is to get up into the mountains and breathe the fresh air there, and eat the good food you already have there. This processed food of the humans is no good for you. And let me tell ya, it aint good for them either!”
“But the learned ‘Teenagers’ told me it was good food.”
“And what does your stomach tell you right now Nibly?” asked the Chief.
Then my swirling brain stopped long enough for me to think and I nodded, “Oh, I get it now!”
“Teenagers don’t really know anything!” I exclaimed.”
Finn: So, not only is there more racism (I’m pretty sure no indigenous person would say “white man’s town” anymore), then we have a brief soap-box rant about junk food, which is completely irrelevant to Nibly because he’s a bear. Bears aren’t much affected by eating garbage, so I doubt they would be affected by junk food. That last line after the rant is hilarious, because people rarely use the word “ain’t” in Canada, even in hick towns — I should know, I live in one. Then, last of all, we get this glorious statement about The Corrupt and Mediocre Generation™.
Hi. I’m a teenager, and I can’t help being a little annoyed with all this teenager bashing. Even for the teenagers who do act like their brains are somewhere else, talking about how stupid they are isn’t going to make them listen to you; it’s going to discourage them from acting better. There are plenty of smart teenagers, and we don’t appreciate these gross generalizations.
Five drinks.
Fair: Let me mention ear size doesn’t have anything to do with listening ability.
Our soap-box rant continues, as the chief tells Nibly to go into the mountains, catch fish, and eat “… fresh berries un-sprayed by chemicals.”
Nibly unsurprisingly agrees with this and decides to take a nap. But wait! Crisis!
I opened my eyes and Chief ‘Up in Smoke’ was no longer there. What was there and coming on fast, was that darned pesky Ranger again, in his stupid little truck, with the yellow light on top flashing! He was coming right at me, and very fast too!
I have a few (okay, more than a few) things to say about this. The ranger showing up at the very end is a very poor attempt to add drama, even though the story has basically ended. What took him so long to get there? If a bear is reported to be seen in a public area, conservation officers (NOT park rangers) and perhaps police officers would respond immediately, and the animal would be relocated. In this case, Nibly would probably be shot because he isn’t afraid of people, and would keep returning to find food.
Why does SNel feel the need to point out that the ranger is coming toward Nibly quickly (not fast)? Of course he would be! There is a bear on the loose, after all.
After this is a picture of a yellow light, which isn’t included because it doesn’t really have a role to play here, and takes up space. It will be getting a drink for uselessness, however.
Four drinks
Finn: So, Nibly does perhaps the smartest thing he’s done in the book and makes a dash for it.
I ran, and I ran, and I ran, until I was far into the woods once again.
Nice. How dramatic, to repeat something over and over. It looks totally wonderful and amateurish.
Drink
So then Nibly meets Johnny, who asks him how the human town was. Nibly replies, in his great and glorious wisdom:
“Oh my, Johnny Bear, you were absolutely right! The food may taste good there, but it doesn’t make you feel good. And the people are really weird!”
Very well said! After all, he did warn you….
Did he?
intermission while we go to the beginning
Hang on, he didn’t warn him at all! All he said was “Are you Serious (sic)?” While this may imply disapproval, he didn’t actually discourage Nibly for going. In fact, he helped him! Saying that he did is just bad writing. It’s like SNel took so long to write this he forgot what had happened in the beginning. I call plot hole!
Fair: The people there are weird? Wow. So, in other words, SNel has managed to insult basically everyone in Nelson. First there are hippies, then a couple business owners, then teenagers, aboriginal people, the intelligence of any children reading the book, and then he sums up everyone else by calling them weird.
This is completely stupid. Why would you write a book about an actual town, then use the fact that it’s set in a real place as a marketing strategy, only to systematically insult every one of its inhabitants?
Two drinks
Finn: It’s like he forgot that the “Real Town” actually had real people living there.
To top it off, we have this bit:
Then I caught my breath and I sat down by my friends’ cozy fireplace and said, “Let me tell you all about it! You better sit down for this!”
I’ll just state the obvious, because SNel obviously forgot it: Bears do not have fireplaces. I’m sorry, but if he wanted to make his bears completely anthropomorphic, they would have their own junk food. If they can make fires, they can probably cook. The lack of thought put into this is just stupid. If these are bears that live in the woods and eat berries like real bears, and is set in a real town, then the bears cannot have fireplaces. Even Paolini could see that.
Drink
Fair:
I hope you have enjoyed;
Nibly the Bear Visits the People Town
If it’s a success, I’ll write more adventures about Nibly.
I hope you enjoyed the sporking of “Nibly the Bear Visits the People Town”
Because it was such a success, if SNel writes any more adventures about Nibly, we’ll spork those, too.
At this point, SNel proceeds to list his other “bestsellers” at smashwords, the first one being “The Problem Eliminators!”
That being said, we encourage you to check out the bestselling spork by Tim: The Problem Eliminators Exclamation Mark
Finn: Well, we’ve finally made it to the end! So, dear readers, according to this scale, how would you rate this book?
Also, drink count = infinity+18
Fireshark on 8 February 2013, 18:37 said:
Thank God Nibly learned such a valuable lesson (that humans are weird).
Of course, I’m left wondering what Nibly’s reaction would be to a rather different human society—the supposedly utopian one from the Nelson’s “Tomorrow’s World 2.”
Prince O' Tea on 8 February 2013, 18:43 said:
Please don’t mention Tomorrow’s World. I just had a shower, and now I feel like I need to go have another one, but with bleach instead of shower gel.
swenson on 8 February 2013, 19:10 said:
Negative eighty-five.
Well… that was a surprisingly heavy-handed, stupid moralizing ending to an immensely pointless book. I think we can all agree on something, though: everyone, from Fair and Finn to SNel himself, has been made stupider through this book’s existence.
Prince O' Tea on 8 February 2013, 19:16 said:
So the moral is…
Teenagers are stupid and you should ignore anything they say and junk food is bad mmm’kay.
Can’t think of any children that are going to enjoy this moral but ooookay….
Tim on 8 February 2013, 19:21 said:
Just noticed: Chapter 5 has no series tag on it and for some reason neither 5 or 6 appear on your user page.
Epke on 8 February 2013, 19:29 said:
<raises hand>
So did the people realise Nibly was a bear or not?
lilyWhite on 8 February 2013, 19:42 said:
They probably suspected he was an alien or something. What the hell kind of bear looks like Nibly?
Fair on 8 February 2013, 19:48 said:
Hmmm… I’ll check that out. Thanks!
Taku on 8 February 2013, 19:58 said:
A manbearmouse, that’s what. They’re the rodent cousins of the manbearpig.
At least there is no Racism or Substance Abuse. except for the Indian guy, and all those stoned hippies.
Prince O' Tea on 8 February 2013, 20:42 said:
But did anyone in the People Town figure out Nibly has a penis for a nose?
Fireshark on 8 February 2013, 20:49 said:
Off-topic, but I found Steve Nelson shilling one of his sci-fi books on an Infowars forum (lol now we know where he gets his ideas). Anyway, here’s how he summed it up:
I just find it incredibly hilarious that someone so afraid of evil collectivists fantasizes openly about a homogeneous, collectivist society where everyone’s a number.
Fair on 8 February 2013, 21:07 said:
To see the last picture, right-click and select “open image in new tab”.
@Fireshark Yeah, he’s one of Alex Jones’ biggest fans. He posted this after the interview between Piers Morgan and Alex Jones.
Fireshark on 8 February 2013, 21:12 said:
Now I kind of wish Nibly’s story ended with him stumbling upon the Illuminati, or discovering the truth about contrails, or something.
Tim on 8 February 2013, 21:22 said:
Alex Jones versus Piers Moron, a rare case of a debate people wanted both participants to lose.
NeuroticPlatypus on 8 February 2013, 21:34 said:
Fixed. Thanks, Tim.
I think you used that Photobucket page URL instead of the picture URL. If you can get the picture URL, I’ll fix it so the image shows up in the article.
Fair on 8 February 2013, 21:54 said:
http://25.media.tumblr.com/42deb0ada8881a0fc048aa5161f18f06/tumblr_mhxfiwWhgG1s5wen2o1_500.png
Brendan Rizzo on 9 February 2013, 00:45 said:
This was probably the most pointless thing ever.
I’d rate it negative infinity. It’s worse than Twilight and the Maradonia Saga put together. To even give it a rating implies that it is a story. This is the Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing of books.
Takugifian on 9 February 2013, 03:22 said:
Fixed that for you.
They’d have to also be at peak physical conditioning without ever aging or gaining or losing too much weight.
What happens to the children and elderly?
Also, why does there seem to be zero privacy or anonymity in this world? “Hi, I’m 57 Cameron Street!” Hello serial killers, sex offenders, stalkers, jealous exes, and psychopaths!
Lone Wolf on 9 February 2013, 06:54 said:
Yeah, bad authors like to moralize. Reminds me of Gloria Tesch. In fact, that Nibly book strikes me as being rather Teschian.
Takugifian on 9 February 2013, 08:07 said:
Is it that bad authors like to moralise, though, or that people who like to moralise make for bad authors?
Food for thought…
Prince O' Tea on 9 February 2013, 09:40 said:
I think stories with morals can be done well, but they are exceedingly hard to pull off without seeming preachy, heavy-handed, overly simplistic, condescending or arrogant. Unfortunately, a lot of wannabe children’s authors (especially the growing number of celebrities who think you can write the next Very Hungry Caterpillar or Where the Wild Things Are on your lunchbreak or in between inflight movies) assume that all children’s books need a moral of some sort, and either build their stories around it, or hammer one in at the last moment with the subtlety of a punch in the jaw.
Epke on 9 February 2013, 09:50 said:
Good question. Is there any nuclear fallout around Nelson, BC?
Plus all the penis obsession in aforementioned paper collection makes me think Nelson is a wee bit insecure about something. I’ll give you a hint: Nibly has one on his face.
Book rating: Not Swell. Actually, as far from swell as to loop around, hit negative swell again and create a neverending cycle of unswellness.
Pryotra on 9 February 2013, 10:30 said:
Oh boy, I was just getting over liver poisoning from Halo too…
Gosh Darnit, Even Mom Wouldn’t Find This Swell
This book is something like what would happen is Gloria Tesch met Stanek and they both got high while watching Mickey Mouse.
They’re hidden underground where no one can see them. They’re only allowed outside while they’re young and hot and everyone can have lots of sex.
Prince O' Tea on 9 February 2013, 11:47 said:
Maybe Nibly and Tomorrow’s World are set in the same universe. Nibly’s penis nose causes an obsession with genitals in this small town that spreads throughout the world, an obsession that survives the apocalypse, considering the people in Tomorrow’s World nightmarish future don’t seem to be interested in anything besides screwing constantly.
Tim on 9 February 2013, 12:03 said:
Tesch’s horrible capitalisation at least has the excuse that her books are proofread by a native German speaker and in German you actually do capitalise all nouns. Steve just writes like he learned English via semaphore.
Fireshark on 29 July 2013, 21:51 said:
I only just realized that there’s a sequel.
Even the title seems to be misspelled.
Pryotra on 29 July 2013, 22:06 said:
…Somehow…
That picture terrifies me.
swenson on 29 July 2013, 23:43 said:
That nose.
I just do not understand how anyone could ever look at that and go “yep, that’s a bear.”
Tim on 31 July 2013, 14:45 said:
It’s probably because his jaw seems to have two joints in it.