Finn: Howdy there, friends! Golly gee, it’s been a long time since the last Nibly spork, hasn’t it? Well, I blame NaNoWriMo, homework, and other stuff. What’s your excuse Fair?

Fair: I blame the cat; she’s just so cute! It’s too distracting!

Finn: Yes, so much that it took Fair more than a minute to think of something to say because she was watching the cat untangle herself from a necklace. This is why it takes us so long to do these, Fair!

Fair: But she’s having a bath! And it’s cute! Well, anyway, we left Nibly exclaiming over some stinky hippies at Wait’s News. Why would SNel put so much emphasis on this? As we’re about to find out, this is Foreshadowing™.

Soon I came to the ‘Funky Monkey Burger Bar.’ I handed the manager a stack of bills and he fed me with a big stack of hamburgers and ice cream.

He pays with a stack of money and receives a stack of hamburgers and ice cream? In the real world, if anyone paid for something with a stack of money, the manager or till worker would be immediatley suspicious. Usually criminals carry around stacks of cash with them because it’s harder to leave a paper trail and easier to slip in a few countefeit notes. In addition, because Nibly got his money from a very conveniently placed bank robber, people would know there had recently been a bank robbery. Because the bank robber had most likely taken the money from a bank in Nelson, anyone throwing around stacks of cash as liberally as Nibly does would probably be taken in to the police for questioning.

Finn: Not to mention, who stacks hamburgers and ice cream outside of cartoons? That’s bad buissness! Gross, too. Now of course, this is a children’s book, but most childrens’ books don’t have hippies, so I’m not cutting it any slack.

Fair: I give this 1 drink for the quotes, 1 drink for the stacks of stolen money, and another for the picture below.

Finn: There…is just so much wrong with that picture. Where to I begin? There’s so much blue everywhere, you can hardly tell which is building, sky, or ground! The trees are out proportion, Nibly is suspended in nothingness, and there are words floating in mid-air for some reason unknown to all but SNel. Nibly is out of proportion, as usual, and his nose has grown again.

Fair: And then, we get this. Honestly, when I first read the following passage I sat staring at it with my mouth gaping open for at least a minute. I could very well have swallowed a few flies and not noticed. Here we go:

He said, as he puffed away on some kind of burning weed, “Eat up Son!”

Then he looked a little closer at me, as he blew away the funny smelling cloud of smoke that hung about him, and said, “Hey man, You really need a shave!”
“But I am Nibly the Bear, I don’t need to shave,” I said.

“Ya whatever man, ‘Peace’ Baby!”

I smiled and thought; this must be what the ranger had said last year, when he said that nearly everybody in the human town “Gets regularly stoned on something called Kootenay Bud.”

SNel has blatant references to drugs in a children’s book. He is also okay with this, he sees nothing wrong with it and when I did allude to it in a review he denied it. The following is a portion of the screenshot I took of one of his Facebook statuses:

Finn: Yes. He went there. How can he not see how inappropriate that is? I mean, yes, some children might not understand it, but that doesn’t mean they’re stupid. They’ll know something’s up. Although their parents would probably throw the book in the fireplace first (if this was a print book) but I think even the fire would reject it. Even if they were too young to figure it out, that would make some really awkward moments when they ask the parents what these things mean.

Children’s book issues aside, this is really not doing the town of Nelson any favours. It’s insulting, actually. “Yeah, Nelson is a nice ‘quaint’ little town. It’s too bad almost everyone there is a hippie on drugs” What does he think he’s doing? Oh, Right; he probably doesn’t think, silly me. In all seriousness, this makes me wonder if his wife even liked the town.

On another note, don’t you think that it’s weird how Nibly seems to remember so much of what the ranger said?

You know what I think this lovely passage deserves?

Drinks=∞

I award this on behalf of the people of Nelson, angry parents, and the written word.

Fair: So, Nibly eats so much food that the manager has to buy food from around town to give to him. Might I add that bears do not possess infinite stomach capacity? Stomachs tend to expel food if you fill them too much, or they explode. Add this to fact that no one “payed me any mind” and you have one ridiculous assumption.

After Nibly has finished eating all of the town’s food (he begins to get full), he decides to walk around a bit. He comes to a large orange bridge and decides this would be a good spot to view the town.

Stolen picture!

3 drinks.

Finn: There’s also this gem:

There were some people movers called cars, which wanted to come onto the bridge, and have a look as well. But when they saw what a swell time I was having, they turned around, and left me to enjoy the bridge all to myself. That was awfully nice of them I thought.

“People movers” huh? There doesn’t seem to be any consistency in the way Nibly thinks. Sometimes he knows things he shouldn’t, and other times he doesn’t know things he should know. Nor is there any consistency in the way people act. They’re only afraid of Nibly when SNel finds it convenient, and then they don’t notice him when he’s gobbling their food!

3 more drinks

Fair: Nibly finds a trolley and hops aboard.

What swell people these town folks are I thought, and I handed the driver, (who was staring at me), a wad of bills. And then he was very happy to take me for a ride.

So that’s another “swell” and another wad of bills. I think someone needs to call the police on Nibly — or even get Corin Thunderfist. Nibly is obviously a renegade Talking Bear and we need Corin Thunderfist to box him into submission so he leaves and never comes back. Ever.

Stolen picture #2

3 drinks.

Finn: Nibly starts to leave the town (yay!) but first he stops to look at stolen picture #3.

It was a man with a Long Funny nose.

I guess some humans can grow noses like that. Maybe he has some bear in him I thought.

What an idiotic remark. Is SNel sporking his own pictures? There are also two random capitalizations there.

4 drinks.

Fair: Wow. This brings this chapter’s drink total to drum roll: Infinity +16.

We have one chapter left before this is all over (thank Cthulu). Then when we’re rocking in the corners of our rooms humming to ourselves, we can try reassuring ourselves that it’s only a very scary book and never happened in real life.

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Comment

  1. lilyWhite on 15 November 2012, 13:02 said:

    Nibly looks like a derpy version of Mickey Mouse. Derpy Nose. XD

    I’m wondering if the author actually knows what a bear looks like, because I’m wondering how he got what Nibly looks like from an actual bear.

    (D’aaah.)

  2. Master Chief on 15 November 2012, 13:32 said:

    I don’t have any material to add to any discussion, but I’m really glad for this sudden upswing in content being posted.

  3. Epke on 15 November 2012, 14:05 said:

    Then he looked a little closer at me, as he blew away the funny smelling cloud of smoke that hung about him, and said, “Hey man, You really need a shave!”
    “But I am Nibly the Bear, I don’t need to shave,” I said.

    And then he donned his leather cap, vest and biker’s boots, gave the smoker some tongue and then whispered with a rough, husky voice: “Wanna do the Funky Monkey behind the burger bar?”
    Sorry, sorry… when someone in clothes and is described as hairy and call themselves a “bear”, I don’t think of the one living in a forest.

    So, Nibly eats so much food that the manager has to buy food from around town to give to him.

    I don’t know how fast food joints work in Canada, but I’m fairly certain they have a very, very large supply of frozen goods that not even a hungry bear could empty to such a degree.

    It was a man with a Long Funny nose.

    I guess some humans can grow noses like that. Maybe he has some bear in him I thought.

    Or would like some bear in him, eh, eh? This book is getting raunchy. Also, where’s the comma? They won’t hurt you, Mr. Nelson.

  4. swenson on 15 November 2012, 14:51 said:

    @lilyWhite – That picture has helped cleanse my brain. Thank you. :D

  5. Brendan Rizzo on 15 November 2012, 15:06 said:

    I love how the two of you spend a paragraph talking about how suspicious Nibly is acting by paying for goods with a wad of cash, especially in the recent aftermath of a bank robbery, but totally ignore that the humans seem not to notice that a bear is wearing clothing and ordering fast food.

    There is No Racism or Substance abuse in my story…

    Which just proves that there is a LOT of racism and substance abuse in his story! Oh, the irony.

  6. LoneWolf on 15 November 2012, 15:39 said:

    there are words floating in mid-air

    It’s not mid-air; they’re written on the wall, which goes right next to the bar. The ground is brown. the bar and the wall are greenish-blue and the sky is blue.

  7. Finn on 15 November 2012, 20:49 said:

    @LoneWolf
    Upon further examination, it is most likely a wall. However, I thought the white crosshatching thing below it was a fence, and that the blue-green stuff was grass and that the tree was growing out of it. If the blue-green thing is a fence, that makes more sense, but then the fence-thing remains unexplained.

    @Bgendan Rizzo
    Yes, funny how we forgot about that, huh? Although I think I’ve pointed out already how weird it is that no one notices that he’s a bear. Because putting on clothes does not make a bear unnoticeable. That being said, it’s like I mentioned later: People believe or disbelieve that Nibly is a human whenever SNel finds it convenient.
    So, yeah, I could have noted that, but it would be just a tad redundant, seeing as how Nibly has already talked to quite a few humans without them so much as batting an eyelid.

  8. LoneWolf on 17 November 2012, 16:52 said:

    Ah, so it’s ending soon? It’s mercifully short, then. I was afraid that it will reach “Chapter Fourty”.

  9. Prince O' Tea on 19 November 2012, 00:27 said:

    He already knows he will never be able to beat Gloria Tesch’s word count.

    Speaking of Gloria, I instantly thought of her when I saw this picture:

    http://whitepeoplemourningromney.tumblr.com/post/35303057215

    I’m pretty sure it’s not her, but I did have to do a double take when I saw it.