When I last left off, we were at the end of the prologue, and I was threatening to throw the book against the wall. That hasn’t happened yet, but don’t think it isn’t going to.
Part One of the book is called Flock Fright. That just sounds silly.
Chapter One
Our chapter starts off with this quote:
The funny thing about facing imminent death is that it really snaps everything else into perspective.
Well. I’ll give Patterson credit. He’s trying to start off the book by plunging us into the middle of the action, and it sort of works. I still don’t care about my characters and I’m still not very interested, but he’s starting the book off with a bang. I’ll give him a pop.
So, from reading the prologue, it can be inferred that she’s escaping from the School, or at least that’s the impression I’m given. Patterson really didn’t go into too much detail about how Max actually managed to escape, but she’s outside now, and being chased by Erasers.
The more Patterson says Erasers, the more ridiculous it sounds.
Run. You’re faster than they are. You can outrun anything.
In what part of “bird DNA” did Patterson find “runs really fast”? I mean, sure, you’ve got roadrunners and all, but… I don’t think Max has roadrunner DNA in her. And I’m positive that a bird can’t outrun a wolf, not without flying.
Um, out of curiosity, where’s the rest of the flock? Just wonderin’.
So the Erasers catch up with Max and she jumps over a cliff, revealing to us that she has wings and can fly.
Thirteen feet across, pale tan with white streaks and some freckly looking brown spots[…]
Never mind that Max just took a break out of the action to give us a look at her pretty wings. I just want you to note their length for later.
There’s a halfway decent description of flying here, and had Patterson continued to use it, the book might have had a bit more promise. But for the rest of the series, he pretty much went “Whelp! Already described how they fly, so I don’t have to talk about that again!”
Chapter One: One of the longest chapters, and one of the longest discussions.
Page count: 3
Chapter Two
…And it was all a dream.
Besides Patterson’s use of second-grade-level story gimmicks, this chapter is decidedly uneventful. Max wakes up, talks about her house, and talks about her flock a little more.
She used to live with a man named Jeb Batchelder, who’d saved the flock and been a surrogate parent to them. He’d disappeared two years ago, and they knew he was dead.
Okay then. Who is this dude? How did he save you? How did he disappear? Jeb gets two tiny paragraphs to himself. That’s it.
And then there’s the house.
Our house was shaped like a letter E turned on its side. The bars of the E were cantilevered on stilts out over a steep canyon[…]
First off. What teenage girl uses words like cantilever?
Second off. I’m pretty sure that you didn’t just find this awesome house out in the middle of the woods. Someone probably built it for you. Was it Jeb? I’m assuming that this took more than one person, so who helped? How long did it take to build?
More importantly, where did the money to build the house come from?
Actually, scratch that. Where does all the money come from? They need to pay electricity and water bills, and Max mentions the internet. If they have jobs or a stash of money holed up somewhere, she sure as heck doesn’t mention it.
“Mornin’, Max.”
This is how our chapter ends. Max hears sleepy shuffling behind her and someone tells her good morning. Is she startled? What is going on?
Page count: 2
Chapter Three
“Morning, Gazzy.”
Oh, wait. Patterson just fell asleep at his computer again and forgot that he was working on Chapter Two.
So we get to meet the flock here. Each person is mentioned and described in about three or four sentences as they get up.
Gazzy: Short for The Gasman. Has a funky digestive system. Blond hair, blue eyes. Has a biological sister. He’s going to regret that name when he gets older.
Iggy: Tall and pale. Blind. (We’ll get to that)
Fang: Um, shadowy? “Dark, overlong hair”. Saying “long” is fine, Patterson. I think that he already regrets that name.
Nudge: Talks a lot. Brown eyes.
Angel: Blonde hair. Innocent and cute. (Oh, I can see why you picked that name.) Can read minds. (We’ll get to that too.)
Look how well he described them! I can almost picture the whole flock in my –
Oh, wait. We forgot someone.
Max: …
Whelp. We weren’t graced with a hair or eye color for Max. We weren’t given anything. Chapter three and I still don’t know what my narrator looks like. (Well, I could identify her wings, but…)
Iggy only has issues getting around when someone moves the furniture. For now, I’m not going to discuss his blindness. I feel as if it would fit better in a future chapter. I’m just putting this info here for later.
Also, this quote:
I guess if I were more of a fembot, it would bother me that a blind guy six months younger than I am could cook better than I could.
First off, we need to talk about that “six months younger” thing. Patterson, you’re wasting words. It happened when Max was describing Fang too, so I know that this isn’t a one-time thing.
It’s simple. Depending on when Iggy was born, either round it down to one year or say that he’s the same age and just leave it out.
Also, I’m wondering how Iggy learned to cook. I’m aware that blind people can cook, I’m just wondering who taught him, how much of a learning curve there was, and how much of a mess he made at first.
Angel can read minds, yet nobody is creeped out or seems to watch what they think around her. How our mind-reader remains so sweet and innocent in a house with two teenage boys, I don’t know.
Page count: 3
Chapter Four
In Chapter Four, the flock goes picking strawberries and the Erasers find them. That is all.
Except for this, in reference to Gazzy throwing his voice to make it sound like Iggy had insulted Max’s cooking:
“Oh, thank you!” I exclaimed. “Okay, I’m not a fabulous cook. But I can still kick your butt, and don’t you forget it.”
I guess if I were more of a fembot, it would bother me that a blind guy six months younger than I am could cook better than I could.
Someone’s a little bothered.
Page count: 2
Chapter Five
So, there’s a fight. It’s not the worst fight scene I’ve ever read. It’s certainly not the best, but it’s not bad, and that’s saying something.
We learn that Jeb trained Max, and not in an especially infodump-ish way. It actually kinda fit in with the chapter, and that’s good.
The writing style is kind of slow-paced whenever Patterson writes about Max punching people. It’s like, “This happened, then I did this, and then that happened.”
Let’s just do a headcount of the flock in the order they go down.
Fang is the first to be swarmed by Erasers. There’s no mention of him again in the chapter, so I assume that he’s down and out.
Gazzy is out cold.
Nudge is apprehended by two Erasers and swung into a tree. I mean, they take her by her hands and feet, swing her back and forth, and toss her. I’m surprised her little birdie bones don’t break.
Iggy is unconscious.
Angel is stuffed into a sack.
Iggy does pretty well in the fight, considering that he’s blind and all. Remember what I said about him only having trouble when the furniture is moved?
Iggy, your furniture is moving. It’s making grunting noises and whatever other sounds Erasers make in a fight, but it’s moving fast and it just gave you a black eye.
Iggy, your furniture is trying to kill you.
Seriously, someone explain how he lasted that long. There were probably two or three Erasers on him, and “really sharp senses” just ain’t cutting it anymore.
Now, before we get any farther, let’s address the obvious: Why is Angel the only one stuffed into a sack? I understand that she’s the only one with mind-reading abilities, but come on. I mean, we’ve got at least two other kids just lying there unconscious. From Max’s monologue prologue, it sounded like the Erasers (or maybe the scientists; the Erasers seem to be the guards) are majorly pissed that everyone escaped. So why only stuff one kid in a sack?
Wait, nevermind. I got it! The School is undergoing budget cuts due to their lack of bird kids and could only afford one burlap sack!
Oh, and an Eraser talks to Max. Doesn’t kill her, doesn’t kidnap her. He talks to her.
“Max,” he said, and my stomach clenched — Did I know him?
Considering the fact that the Erasers — who are at least partly human — were probably briefed about who they’re apprehending, this doesn’t make me wonder if he knows her. I understand that Max might not be thinking rationally at the moment, but, what with her infodumps about the School and all, you’d think she would know this.
“Good to see you again,” he went on conversationally. “You look like crap. You always acted so much better than everyone else, so this cheers me up.”
First. Patterson, it’s clear that the Eraser is being conversational. He’s making small talk when he could be kidnapping Max. Tell me something that I don’t know.
Second. Not that I haven’t already made that observation, but how did Max act so much better than everyone else in the School? I mean, she was stuffed into a dog cage for the majority of her life. Yeah, she’s got the whole snarky thing down — or Patterson thinks she does — but I can hardly imagine this Eraser being so butthurt about it. I mean, Max was in the cage. Max was the one who was locked up. And which one of them has his widdle feewings hurt by the terrible thing Max did?
New milestone: The first time I’ve defended Max against another character!
“Who are you?” I gasped, feeling cold at the center of my being.
At the center of her being. Wow. I’m impressed.
So the Eraser kicks Max in the head, apparently in slo-mo, as Max has time to see his foot moving and think (in complete sentences) where she recognizes this dude from before she passes out. It turns out that the Eraser is Ari, Jeb’s seven-year-old son.
Why was this not mentioned? No one said that Jeb had a son. I mean, they were all “Oh, Jeb died two years ago,” and nobody mentioned that he also had a seven-year-old kid?
And how does Max know him? She never mentioned Ari living with them, so, on another note, this means that Jeb probably just dumped his son to go live with the flock.
Nice going, Jeb.
Page count: 3
Average page count: 2.6
Next up: Good guys, punching trees, and we get to discuss Iggy’s blindness!
NeuroticPlatypus on 19 October 2012, 11:01 said:
I seem to recall her hair color changing throughout the series (Did you notice that too, or am I imagining things?) I remember being described as both blonde and brown at different points. I can’t cite actual descriptions, but I know that her hair color always confused me.
swenson on 19 October 2012, 12:03 said:
This came up in the last post, but… thirteen feet long? Really?! I know this is probably because a human body needs significant wings to be able to fly, but honestly. Where do they put them?!
Also, I really hate when exciting events are relived as a dream. I feel it would’ve been far more effective had the prologue been the exciting escape. The important information could probably have been seeded throughout it, it would’ve heightened the mystery as the reader wouldn’t be entirely certain what the School is or who the Erasers are, and it would’ve given a good reason for why Max refuses to explain anything—in the middle of a chase sequence, there really is no time for exposition!
Fembot is a stupid word.
That seems a very inefficient way to defeat someone.
And the rest is so stupid I won’t even comment on it.
HimochiIsAwesome on 19 October 2012, 12:45 said:
I can’t type anything worthwile on the iPod butIggy? Iggy?
Is it short for something? Because the only Iggy I know (and accept), it’s a nickname.
Why would someone be called Iggy, really?
Betty Cross on 19 October 2012, 18:43 said:
I always assumed Iggy was the nickname that goes with Ignatz / Ignatius, from a Catholic family.
Pryotra on 19 October 2012, 19:02 said:
Usually it is. Well…unless you’re referring to Iggy the Iguana from Under the Umbrella Tree which is a children’s show that no one remembers, but was still better writing and characterized than this.
Azure on 19 October 2012, 19:04 said:
@NeuroticPlatypus: I believe that you are correct. I can’t cite sources right now, but I know that it puzzled me too.
@swenson: According to Soupnazi, they have indentations on their backs…? I don’t know, it seems pretty implausible.
Also, I’m annoyed that I forgot to put the dream thing in the article! I was thinking that it would’ve been a much better prologue as well, but I just forgot to type it, I guess.
And fembot really is a stupid word. I’d really have criticized so much more had I not wanted the thing to be ten pages long.
Meh, swinging a person by their hands and feet is not only ineffectual, it’s completly useless. If the Erasers wanted to knock her out, all they had to do was clobber her over the head.
@HimochiIsAwesome and Betty Cross: The only person I know who can be called Iggy is my brother. See, I was pretty young when he was born, and I couldn’t pronounce “Ian” properly, so I called him “Iggan”. Later, it got shortened to Iggy. Now that he’s older, he won’t let me get away with it, though.
HimochiIsAwesome, it’s okay I can’t eitherDanielle on 19 October 2012, 21:13 said:
Hoo boy, yes. I lost my innocence just listening to what boys in my middle/high schools said; I shudder to think what I might have heard if I could’ve read their thoughts! Angel should either be 1) a traumatized recluse who rarely leaves her room and avoids teenage boys at all costs for fear of what they’ll pour into her mind or 2) a saucy teen in a little girl’s body with a particular liking for sophomoric humor. Given how young and sweet Angel is, the first one seems far more likely.
Wait a second. They’re on the run from Erasers (I picture an evil eraser, arms and legs optional) and they’re living in the most easily identifiable house in the northern hemisphere? Seriously, who lives in a house shaped like a giant E turned on its side? BILLIONAIRES don’t go to that much trouble.
Wow. Those are some of the stupidest names I’ve ever encountered in fiction—and I’ve read YA paranormal romance! (I wanted to see what kids at the high school I work at read and why. They read steaming piles of male cow-crud, but I’ve yet to learn the reason.)
Tim on 20 October 2012, 02:07 said:
Girls aren’t exactly beacons of innocence and purity either, and you’d have more than enough to make you feel weird in knowing what mom and dad actually thought about each other rather than having the comfort of thinking of them as Those People Who Certainly Do Not Have Sex.
I think the best way to deal with this would be to say the psychic can only read one person’s mind at a time and have them always keep close to a particular person who knows they’re being read, doesn’t mind and doesn’t make the psychic feel uncomfortable. And you’d still have cases where it was weird or somewhat gross to balance the whole part where you’re absolutely perfect in bed with them, like when the person you’re reading has a cold and you’re aware of how dreadful they feel to the detail.
Danielle on 20 October 2012, 02:31 said:
@Pryotra: I’ve never heard of that show, but for some reason the name Iggy always makes me think of iguanas. There might’ve been another show or book (or a couple of them) with an iguana named Iggy…..but I don’t remember them. What was Under the Umbrella Tree about?
HimochiIsAwesome on 20 October 2012, 06:17 said:
Well I sure hope that Iggy is short for something more normal. Although looking at the other names, it probably isn’t, and it makes me cry.
But I am a hypocrite who has a character who goes by the name ‘Worldy’ so hahahaAnd slightly off topic, but the Iggy I know happens to be a rather attractive British man. Called Arthur. A cookie to all who know him and the anime he’s from.
Pryotra on 20 October 2012, 09:42 said:
@HimochiIsAwesome: Hetalia?
If I remember right, it used to air on the Disney Channel back when you had to pay to have it, and it was about a woman named Holly who got an apartment that was already occupied by three muppets, Gloria the Gopher, Iggy the Iguana and Jacob the Bluejay. They end up living together in a kind of Sesame Street like world. That’s pretty much all I can remember other than that there was an umbrella tree in the living room.
And yes, as far as I’m concerned, that had betting writing, more characterization and more plot than this.
Aira on 20 October 2012, 12:02 said:
To be completely fair, our names would be just as ridiculous if we had picked them ourselves at a young age.
Danielle on 20 October 2012, 12:20 said:
Pryotra, that sounds vaguely familiar….I think I had a friend who watched that show. Or maybe she flipped past it a few times. I don’t remember.
But, yes, 90’s Disney shows did have better characterization, plot, and writing than this. Honestly, the writing in this book so far reminds me of modern Disney. And I’m pretty sure their business model for new shows is…
1. Think up promising premise. (e.g., kids who gain superpowers because their father is a crazy scientist, a teenage girl who earns money by working as a nanny in a hotel with quirky occupants)
2. Hire fourth-graders to write dialogue and second-graders to write jokes.
3. End each and every episode with some sort of moral, because parents like that. Right? RIGHT?
4. ??????
5. Profit.
The things you watch when you’re babysitting….
HimochiIsAwesome on 20 October 2012, 16:54 said:
Yes, but I’m sure it’d be an actual name.
I cn understand picking ‘The Gasman’, ‘Angel’, etc. but I can’t think of a way that someone would come up with ‘Iggy’ at a young age. Same for ‘Nudge’.
I’m definitely thinking way too much into this@Pryotra – What gave it away? Haha~
NeuroticPlatypus on 20 October 2012, 22:46 said:
I’m pretty sure that it’s mentioned somewhere that Max named the younger ones. So she is the one who came up with Gasman and Angel, and possibly Nudge as well. At least Angel is an actual name, although it’s not that common. Max would have come up with the names of the other kids as a young child herself, so I can understand that they are kind of dumb. I can even see a kids naming himself Iggy. The one I don’t get at all is Nudge. Nudge is a verb, and it’s not even like it’s that cool of a word. I just don’t get why someone would come up with that.
Tim on 21 October 2012, 03:51 said:
I guess it might be along the “nudge nudge, wink wink” lines (he’s a gossip), but it’s still not a name I think would stick. Maybe if you’re giving everyone strong Luuhnden accents you could get away with “Nudgey” (usually pronounced “nodgey”) or something like that.
Soupnazi on 21 October 2012, 20:47 said:
@Danielle: There’s also a PBS Kids show called Animalia with an iguana named Iggy. Guess it’s a popular name gag.
Fireshark on 21 October 2012, 22:57 said:
Well, what else would you name an iguana, assuming you want alliteration?
NeuroticPlatypus on 21 October 2012, 23:03 said:
Igor.
Soupnazi on 22 October 2012, 10:12 said:
Igor the iguana… that’s pretty cool, actually!
…Now I’m imagining Discworld-style Igors, but as iguanas. XD
Izzy A. on 1 January 2013, 23:38 said:
and i wanted to say, if you think you could do better, lets see you write a famous series since its so easy for you. should be no big deal since you find so many problems in everyone’s books.
izzy
Asahel on 2 January 2013, 00:02 said:
Well, it’s not a good argument, but at least it’s original…
Izzy A. on 2 January 2013, 17:19 said:
@Asahel my other comment wasn’t even posted since someone didn’t want to be proved wrong
Pryotra on 2 January 2013, 17:36 said:
Actually your comment likely wasn’t posted because you didn’t provide a decent Email address.
We can’t get rid of comments, so no, we’re not a group of paranoid little people who can’t take a semi-literate ‘ur just jellous’ or ‘lets c u rite bettar’ without deleting it.
Danielle on 3 January 2013, 01:54 said:
We are, however, an abnormally snarky group of readers and (mostly unpublished) writers who enjoy learning from the mistakes of published writers. James Patterson has much to teach us through his Maximum Ride books, as you can see in the sporking. What can I say? Some people learn best by example; we learn best by bad examples that show us what not to do. Adding snide remarks helps us learn.
Of course, with all this snark, you shouldn’t be surprised when we respond to your “U SHOOD DO BETTAR IF U WANNA HAYT THIS BOOK” with impishly recaptioned anime screenshots. You could say it’s part of the learning process.
Izzy A. on 5 January 2013, 17:58 said:
I would just say you guys have nothing better to do. That’s just my opinion though. Y’all have a wonderful day and such.
swenson on 5 January 2013, 18:06 said:
And you apparently have nothing better to do but defend this poorly-written thing, so hey! Looks like we’re all bored out of our minds!
TaguGifian on 5 January 2013, 18:28 said:
Actually, we do have better things to do. Most of us are out there doing them, every day. This is what we do in our downtime.