Chapter Eighty-Three – Deadly Dinner

I think this another great example of the extreme lack of thought that has gone into this book.

Case in point: we know that Felipe plans on trying to poison King Genarius. And now, in the next chapter, which is titled ‘Deadly Dinner’, we get an image of an overturned goblet and Maya’s dog licking it up. Way to spoil the entire chapter for us, Tesch.

On the other hand, I do have to give Gloria credit for murdering a golden retriever in a kid’s book.

The chapter begins with sheer idiocy:

It was indeed a delightful dinner with King Genarius, General Felipe, his two captains and Maya and Joey.

Two servants brought bread and wine and there was an abundance of fruits and juices, poultry, fish platters and desserts, especially for Maya and Joey.

Everybody was very relaxed and happy but Maya watched each and every move around King Genarius like a hawk (page 711).

Okay. Let me get this straight. Let me see if I’m understanding you here, Tesch. What you’re saying is that six people are having dinner. Three of these people are conspiring to commit treason and poison their king. Meanwhile, the other three know that the first three are conspiring to kill one of them, blame the other two and have them beheaded for the crime. This is what is happening.

…and everyone is relaxed and happy? Are you insane, Tesch? Do you not understand even the most basic fundamentals of human emotion? Do you actually think, at all, about what you are putting down on the page?

I know, of course, the answers to these questions are no. But I also know it appears that no less than TWO EDITORS helped Gloria with this crock of shit. How they can stomach writing a positive review and having their names associated with this, I don’t know.

On the other hand, according to Andrew Fisher (Tesch’s webmaster and supposed movie producer) the books are being re-edited so they can be “properly enjoyed”. If that is actually true, I hope Team Tesch reads through these sporkings. Hell, if they just fixed every single problem I’ve pointed out, that will single-handedly make this book a good 400 times better.

In fact, Team Tesch, if you’re reading this, feel free to use these sporkings as a guide to the revision process. You don’t even need to thank me in the acknowledgements, I humbly present these free of charge. Which is a pretty awesome deal, considering that I’ve obviously spent a lot more time critiquing this book than any of Tesch’s real editors did.

Right. So everyone is enjoying their dinner. Joey is surreptitiously feeding bits of his dinner to Phoenix. Genarius gets up to use the restroom, and Maya sees Felipe rub his ear, which is the signal. One of the captains shows Maya and Joey a shiny rock to distract them. Maya pretends to listen but watches the other captain and sees him empty his hip flask into the king’s chalice.

After Genarius gets back, Maya stands up, points out the window, and comments on the new baby unicorn. While everyone’s looking out the window, she switches her chalice and Geniarus’s. And then it’s time for the toast:

General Felipe was now totally excited and he watched maliciously the chalice of the king (page 713).

Please rewrite that sentence, Tesch. Also, feel free to get rid of the ‘totally’, it’s not doing anything for you.

Genarius looks at Maya, who blinks twice, signaling that it’s okay. He chugs his drink and the dinner goes on. Felipe starts getting nervous. He asks Genarius how he feels. Genarius says he feels great and thanks Felipe for dinner.

Maya then ‘accidentally’ knocks her chalice over, spilling the wine on the floor. She doesn’t notice Phoenix walking over to the puddle. Score that a failure on Maya’s part. Phoenix then slurps up all the wine and goes off to his bed. Having owned dogs, I know they are quite noisy when drinking liquid. I’m pretty sure Maya would notice.

The dinner ends and Felipe and his captains take off. Genarius puts on his Tarnkappe and follows them out to eavesdrop. He overhears them talking about what went wrong. One of the captains correctly guesses that Maya must have switched chalices and then spilled her own. Felipe isn’t buying it, though:

“They are teenagers and they have only dumb things on their mind and most of them are not interested in real life. They think only about stupid stuff.” (page 715)

Truer words have never been spoken, Felipe.

The captain, of course, has to retort and explain that these kids are different somehow, that they don’t think about stupid things, and they’re obviously a very powerful combination. Yes…because of their magical Deus Ex Machina powers, not because they’re talented or have accomplished anything through their wits and ingenuity.

Anyway, the conspirators decide to whack Genarius and his new bride when they’re back at the farmhouse.

Tesch throws in a ‘And so it was…’ which serves no purpose. But Genarius has realized that Felipe is a traitor. He walks back inside and finds Maya crying and hugging her dead dog.

Maya gives Genarius a lecture, telling him he needs to use his Tarnkappe more and he also needs to use the ‘Henrietta Mirror’ that AstroJesus gave him.

King Genarius was very disappointed about the fact that one his closest friends and best Generals wanted to kill him and his wife (page 716).

Oh really? Is that a fact?

Genarius packs up, goes home, and explains to his new wife that one of his closest friends wants to murder them both. Tesch informs us that he’s decided that Felipe and his wife Candice are guilty of the gold ships disappearing. Evidence? What’s that?

We cut back to Maya and Joey who bury Phoenix outside the farmhouse. Maya weeps bitterly. Because she deeply loved Phoenix during the half a week total they spent together.

Now…Phoenix was dead and Maya was sad (page 717).

Here’s a tip, Tesch. You don’t need to tell us that Maya is sad. See, we know that her dog just bit the dust, and you showed us that she was crying. Readers, even the dumb ones, can intuitively pick up on the fact that she’s sad. You don’t need to come back and repeat this. Anyone who is capable of understanding the English language will get this.

Joey goes to the unicorns and orders several of the unicorns to come pick up him and Maya and carry them to the Lake Lagoon the next day. That’s right – he orders them. It’s not phrased as a request. Little shit.

The next morning they put saddles [!] on the backs of the unicorns and load them up with supplies. I would love it if they were gored to death immediately afterwards, but no such luck. For no apparent reason, Maya decides to bring the baby unicorn with them, so they do.

Tesch misspells riding as ridding, and off they go. They stop by Selinka and chat with King Genarius, who rambles for a bit about different people they’ve met. The fishermen who tried to kill them back in the day are still around, and their 300 indestructible soldiers are also around.

Genarius also mentions that Felipe and his traitor guards were people who bathed in the pool, which means they’re untouchable by swords or magic. Hmmm. Kind of interesting. So the only real answer here is to imprison them for life. Better yet, lock them up and let them starve to death. Or drown them. There’s a lot of creative ways to kill people. But Genarius has a better idea:

“But you can be sure that we have him and his accomplices under heavy surveillance if you know what I mean.” (page 721)

Well…yes, I do know what heavy surveillance means. But I don’t think Tesch knows what ‘if you know what I mean’ means. Typically, it’s used to denote some additional meaning or connotations beyond what the words themselves mean, especially with sexual innuendos. To quote Monty Python’s Nudge Nudge, if I were to say “Does your wife enjoy photography, eh? Candid photography? Know what I mean?”, obviously I’m not asking about normal photography. I’m – you know what, never mind, everyone who reads this sporking is smart enough to figure this out without me explaining it like I’m talking to a 4-year-old.

Genarius says to keep their eyes focused on the kingdom of light and one day they’ll reach a level and find a door and then they’ll be able to live forever [!!!]. That’s a sobering thought. Genarius also warns Joey that the kingdom of darkness will never stop hunting him until they find him because of the Key to the Underworld. Which is another reason why Joey should have gotten rid of it. Genarius rambles for a bit longer and the mentions that Libertine will contact them back in their world when they’ll need their help again. Remind me…. why are Maya and Joey leaving? What reason is there?

‘Lady Ruchi’ was crying and she was hugging ‘The Encouragers again and again because she loved them from the bottom of her heart (page 722).

They have spent a few hours together. Tops.

Finally they leave.

Drinks: 34

Chapter Eighty-Four – On the Road Again

Maya mentions that she wants to stop by the grill where they were almost barbecued. And yes…it’s time…

“Yeah…that was also the place where I lost Hoppy. I am not sure but I think I lost Hoppy when they lit the wood and the smoke was increasing. Hoppy jumped out of my pocket and ran for his life and… he never returned. I was looking for him and I called him later but then we had to hurry to Selinka and we lost him.” (page 723).

Nice attempt to retcon, Tesch. Here’s a simple fact: when one of your friends disappears, it affects you. Just like food affects your mood. Hoppy was last on-screen on page 183. Five hundred and forty pages ago. He was last referenced on page 280 when Senator Hilton said that AstroJesus knew about Hoppy. And, in all that time, Joey has not thought of Hoppy. Not even once.

He’s a sociopath.

They ride along. Nothing happens. Tesch throws in another And so it was… and then more nothing happens.

They see some fisherman and Tesch mentions that Joey happens to be a superb fisherman. Well of course he is. Anyway, they watch the fishermen and they aren’t using nets…instead they’re lowering boxes into the water. This makes Joey suspicious, but Maya says they’re just putting down lobster boxes. In a freshwater lake. But they move on. Plot point!

They get to the barbecue location and it feels like there’s a weird energy field surrounding the place. The unicorns start freaking out a bit.

Joey started laughing, “Maya look at Fayina she doesn’t like it here.” (page 727)

She is a sentient creature. She can understand you. What the fuck is wrong you, Joey?

Then a bunch of grasshoppers show up. It’s Hoppy! With his wife Lisette and their ten children. Hoppy explains that he took off directly after they were set on fire.

“I really had enough of you…because both of you are ‘walking contagious disasters’.” (page 729)

An apt description.

Hoppy explains that he was chilling out for awhile and then everyone left and he was left behind. Which sounds like his own damn fault, he should have stayed nearby to watch things. Anyway, Lisette came along and they fell in love.

“and here we present to you the results of our love…we have ten children.” (page 729)

Ew.

They have five boys, all named Joey, and five girls, all named Maya. Classy.

They say goodbye to Hoppy and Tesch spends two pages talking about things that have already happened. Eventually they get to the Lake Lagoon.

Joey glanced up at the clouds gathering more and more and he gave Imperator a nudge with his heels. The powerful unicorn tossed his head and broke into a gallop (page 732).

You know, considering the unicorn is sentient and can talk, you could have just said “Hey, how about a gallop?” instead of jamming your heels into his ribs, you idiot.

It gets really foggy. They keep going and they lose Dancer. Guess you shouldn’t have brought a baby unicorn along. Maya searches until she finds Dancer with a sprained leg. How she can tell that from a glance, I don’t know. Maybe she’s also a professional veterinarian.

She saw in Dancers eyes small tears and Maya could see the pain in his face (page 735).

Horses and unicorns can’t cry. And how do you recognize pain in a unicorn’s face?

They put Dancer on Mighty Bronco’s back and later get his sprained leg rapped up. No, not wrapped. Rapped.

Drinks: 44

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Comment

  1. Curly on 28 March 2011, 03:49 said:

    “Ooooh, I know, if I show them a shiny rock, they won’t notice me emptying poison into his cup in front of everyone.”

    Wow. Just… Wow. “Oh look, a baby unicorn. Even though it has been said there are thousands of unicorns this is a cause for bafflement and deserves our full attention.”

    Now…Phoenix was dead and Maya was sad

    Thanks Sherlock.
    And all Hoppy’s (Yay! Hoppy! That explanation was not randomly shoehorned in and I accept your 540 page absence wthout question! Yay!) sons and daughters have the same name. 1. Yeah, that wouldn’t get confusing AT ALL. 2. What the hell did Maya and Joey ever do for you? WHY ARE YOU NAMING YOUR KIDS AFTER THEM?!

    But I also know it appears that no less than TWO EDITORS helped Gloria with this

    No. No way. I can’t believe that. Any literate and sane person can understand the grammar in this book below the standard of a six year old. What shape was the book in BEFORE IT WAS EDITED!?
    R.I.P Phoenix

  2. Curly on 28 March 2011, 04:11 said:

    Sorry, I know I’m writing way too many comments at the moment, but I just saw this on Maradonia.com and, well, it speaks for itself.

    Do you have any advice for writers who want to write a novel?
    I think they should first know what they are writing about. Otherwise, they are sticking to one chapter at a time and find themselves constantly in a position of editing and redeveloping. I think they should just write it all out and then go back and develop what they have.

    Yes, I know what you mean. Imagine all that editing, what a waste of time. Oh well, they’re only human. Stupid mortals. http://www.maradonia.com/reviews.html

  3. Minoan Ferret on 28 March 2011, 05:25 said:

    You mean Hoppy’s already taken? Damn it!

  4. Sahgo on 28 March 2011, 06:45 said:

    Phoenix, NOOOOOOOOOO!!

  5. TacoGryphon on 28 March 2011, 08:12 said:

    I think if the Tesch conglomerate read these sporks and actually improved the book to the point that it would be actually acceptable by a legitimate publishing house, I’d be a very happy man.

    Is… is this the end? Or close to it?

  6. LoneWolf on 28 March 2011, 09:09 said:

    Well, the creators of the infamous “Antigua: Land of Wizards and Heroes” book did re-edit their book to fix the exclamation points everywhere, though the result was still bad.

    And yeah, at least Gloria had the guts to kill her Mary Sue’s pet.

  7. Charlotte on 28 March 2011, 09:49 said:

    Ok, so why is Hoppy pretty much giving his kids over as slaves/pets to Maya and Joey? Wow, the creepiness, it boggles the mind.

  8. Senor_Alvarez on 28 March 2011, 10:32 said:

    Even if this garbage was edited to perfection and all the prose and dialouge was perfect, you’d still be left with an idiotic plot, two annoying assholes, and an ‘Evil Empire’ with no depth or actual menace.

    This story is beyond saving, and with all of Tesch’s hubris, I really don’t think she deserves another chance with Maradonia.

    I mean seriously! You’re self-published and your books are hated everywhere. Where do you get off thinking that you can actually give people writing tips!?!?

  9. LoneWolf on 28 March 2011, 10:44 said:

    “Ok, so why is Hoppy pretty much giving his kids over as slaves/pets to Maya and Joey? Wow, the creepiness, it boggles the mind.”
    He doesn’t do anything like that, it’s just another bad expression on Gloria’s part. She probably meant “I present to you” as in “I’d like to show you”.

  10. Licht on 28 March 2011, 11:28 said:

    @Senor_Alvarez: Most likely because any attention is good attention. Even hatred. She probably believes her books have to be worth something – and, well, in a way they are. They’re worth a spork.

  11. BettyCross on 28 March 2011, 11:43 said:

    Gloria Tesch’s fiction will begin to improve on the day when she looks through one of her books and thinks, “This is terrible!”

    I know it’s a cliche, but people can’t change until they’re ready to.

  12. Senor_Alvarez on 28 March 2011, 11:47 said:

    The way things are going though, I wouldn’t be surprised if when she turns eighty, she’s still trying to market the 57th book in the Maradonia series as ‘humbling masterpiece’.

  13. swenson on 28 March 2011, 12:20 said:

    Only the 57th, Senor Alvarez? By the time she’s eighty, I’m sure she’ll be up to at least the hundreds…

    …is it weird that Phoenix’s death makes me feel kind of sad? I like dogs, especially golden retrievers, and the idea of the poor thing being tortured like this both by the author and by its owners is sad.

    Anyway, the whole Hoppy thing makes it even more blatantly obvious what Gtesch’s writing process is: type up the story, print it out, and never actually look at it again. It’s clear there was no planning involved. There’s plot threads that go nowhere, characters that teleport in and out at random, and what little coherent plot there is has huge holes in it. Even if we all worked together and really, really tried, I honestly can’t think of any way to actually make this story or world any good. Not even if you pitched it as one of those poorly-written pulp fantasy books for kids. I honestly can’t think of anything at all that is salvageable in this thing. The only potentially interesting points are the Tarnkappes (ripped off from a legend) and the pool they bathed in (also ripped off from a legend).

  14. Asahel on 28 March 2011, 12:29 said:

    Ok, so Hoppy thinks Joey and Maya are both walking contagious disasters, and he names his sons and daughters after them.

    Such a small creature and yet filled with so much hate even for his own offspring. Truly Hoppy is the mastermind behind the ‘Evil Empire.’

  15. Quilloasa on 28 March 2011, 12:38 said:

    @ Asahel: You know, that might actually be fun to read…

    As long as someone besides Tesch wrote it, that is.

  16. Erin on 28 March 2011, 12:48 said:

    @ Asahel. Brilliant!!

    NOOOO PHOENIX! sheds a single tear
    But really, that dog was the only character who didn’t annoy me.

    Why did Hoppy name all his children the same two names? Since he’s smarter than Maya’s science teacher, I would think that he would see all the potential problems with that. Also, why would his wife agree to name all the children after a couple of idiots she’d never met? You know what? Forget it. At least I know what happened to him, even if it obviously thrown in at the last minute.

  17. Sahgo on 28 March 2011, 15:53 said:

    The weird thing is that… Phoenix had no purpose in the plot whatsoever. I mean, I know this book is the poster child for Idiot Plot, and that everybody makes stupid decisions that might or not affect the direction of the “story”, but… come on! At least Hoppy was an expositional animal in the beginning. He had some use. Phoenix on the other hand was introduced for no reason, bathed in a pool of blood, disappeared, and then died.

    Seriously, why did Gloria even put him there? Did she go “oh, I think this book needs a cute doggy!”, and then said “gah, I’m tired of him. Time to ‘die‘!”?

  18. Inspector Karamazov on 28 March 2011, 15:57 said:

    I shall mourn Pheonix forever.

    I think she just killed him off just because it’s the ‘literary’ thing to do.

  19. Minoan Ferret on 28 March 2011, 16:19 said:

    “But what about poison?”

    There you go, Ceara.

  20. Senor_Alvarez on 28 March 2011, 17:16 said:

    Hmn…apparently Gloria Tesch got into a fist-fight with another fanfiction/self-published author over Maradonia.

    I don’t know if it’s true or not, but it doesn’t sound out of character, seeing as she called herself a
    ‘master story teller’ on her own shitty website.

    When will that idiot get a grip?

  21. Ridureyu on 29 March 2011, 02:02 said:

    So, Hoppy:

    1. Apparently he said “Screw you guys, I’m going home.” Which is awesome.

    2. He then managed to find time to make ten babies. While yes, grasshoppers lay a bunch of eggs at once, it also takes many months for said eggs to hatch. I guess Maya and Joey reaaaaaaally dragged their feet in the underworld.

    3. Those names remind me of the old joke where the white trash lady was applying for welfare, and the government guy noticed that she named all ten of her kids “John,” so he asked, “How do you tell them apart?” and she said, “Oh, I just call ‘em by their last names.”

    Congratulations, Ms. Tesch. Your book made me think of trailer trash.

  22. Curly on 29 March 2011, 02:09 said:

    I have generously dedicated the last ten minutes to persusing Tech’s site for your benefit. You’d better be grateful, as my brain now hurts and I fear my IQ may have dropeed seferal ponts. Anyhoo, the comments on the review page number about 43, which I would assume would be more than the actual number of people on the entire planet who have read the book. My favourite fake (please tell me none of the are real, or I’ll lose faith in humanity) comments are:

    “I am amazed at how much you have accomplished for such a young person. Your books are filled with excitement, texture, character and imagination. The world will soon recognize you.”
    Steve H. (97) Author

    Mate, if you are 97, you probably have enough life experience to know a crap book when you see one, especially considering this book must be bought off the internet and is aimed at kids, (despite the bitch slaps and animal slaughter hidden in it’s pages) Really, you thought we’d believe a 97 year old guy would read this crap? (especially considering this book must be bought off the internet and is aimed at kids, despite the bitch slaps and animal slaughter hidden in it’s pages) Wow.

    “Hi Gloria, OMG, I LOVE YOUR BOOK! It’s amazing! I got into a fight with a substitute teacher and he sent me to the office because I read the Maradonia book during class and couldn’t put it down.”

    Hmmmm, yeah. A dubious story there. Unless this kid is a bit special I’m going to cry big time foul.

    And Lastly, as I am aware I’m taking up way too much space as it is:

    Maradonia is not just entertainment! Maradonia is a life style because it meets our longings to experience the truth of life, love and death.
    • This Maradonia New-Life-Style is able to help the reader better to understand life itself and his role in his own family, the nation and in the universe.
    • The Encouragers are able to encourage every reader to discover their own gifts and abilities.
    • The Maradonia books, I believe, will play sooner or later an important role for fans, middle readers and young adults, and they are a must-read for parents, teachers, and librarians that will serve as a bridge to growth in knowledge, faith and in the understanding that there is power in positive thinking.” – Armando N. Psychologist –

    …. Yeah. I swear to god I’m not making that stuff up, it’s all here:
    http://maradonia.com/reviews.htm Tread carefully though, as I think the server may not be used to more than two people at a time.

  23. falconempress on 29 March 2011, 03:38 said:

    Thank you for that. I believe that I am now in pain. Yup, blinding agony.

  24. Curly on 29 March 2011, 04:38 said:

    That’s what I’m here for. And if you’ll indulge me for just a moment…

    The readers will wait patiently for the throat gripping third installment of Gloria’s first trilogy of the Maradonia saga, “Maradonia and the Battle for the Key.” – Phillip R. Editor –

    I don’t think that word means what you think it means. (sorry)

  25. fffan on 29 March 2011, 05:16 said:

    “Ooooh, I know, if I show them a shiny rock, they won’t notice me emptying poison into his cup in front of everyone.”

    Remember that this is the cast of Maradonia and the Seven Bridges we’re talking about. Now if you’ll excuse me, I believe I see a piece of foil that needs some attention…

  26. LoneWolf on 29 March 2011, 08:55 said:

    “(please tell me none of the are real, or I’ll lose faith in humanity)”

    They are most likely not real, or, like in case of Leah Dallaire, are from Teach Tesch.

  27. BettyCross on 29 March 2011, 11:48 said:

    I agree with those who say GT just cranked out a first draft and never looked at it again.

    Anyway, the whole Hoppy thing makes it even more blatantly obvious what Gtesch’s writing process is: type up the story, print it out, and never actually look at it again. It’s clear there was no planning involved. There’s plot threads that go nowhere, characters that teleport in and out at random, and what little coherent plot there is has huge holes in it. Even if we all worked together and really, really tried, I honestly can’t think of any way to actually make this story or world any good.

    I thought the first draft of my first novel was “inspired” and therefore in no need of revision too. Boy, was I wrong!

  28. Kitty on 29 March 2011, 21:05 said:

    I’m baffled by how obvious her age is. This prose reminds me strongly of stories I wrote when I was young.

  29. T on 30 March 2011, 02:19 said:

    The readers will wait patiently for the throat gripping third installment of Gloria’s first trilogy of the Maradonia saga, “Maradonia and the Battle for the Key.” – Phillip R. Editor –

    “throat gripping” in that readers will want to grip Gloria’s throat, firmly and insistently.

    It was nice to see Hoppy gain something like common sense by getting the hell away from those two, but naming his kids after them didn’t make any sense. If they were such ‘walking contagious disasters’ (what?), one generally wouldn’t name one’s children after them. I wonder how many baby girls were born in New Orleans named Katrina, after the namesake hurricane? Not going to happen.

  30. Prince o' Tea on 30 March 2011, 18:53 said:

    So, where is this million strong army if a high ranking socialite can wonder off to her seaside cabana when she doesn’t feel like attending a tea party, and the two kids (whose heads the army’s leader wants on a platter) can take a leisurely walk amongst the posies and sentinent insectlife?

    Also, if there is a war on and the city is under siege, why are high ranking wives having tea parties? I would have thought there would be rationing going on, rather then high society ladies guzzling crumpets, scones and cream teas like there’s no tomorrow. Which there won’t be, if you treat your only avaliable foodstuffs like that. Or they are counting on the utter incompetence of the army that’s laying siege to them, which would explain a lot.

  31. Prince o' Tea on 30 March 2011, 19:25 said:

    Hold on a minute. STONE THE CROWS.

    Earlier (after the sociopath half of the Undynamic Duo decapitated a snake in cold blood), Hoppy was so impressed by this act of murdering a sentinent creature in cold blood, he would name all of his kids Joey.

    And he’s named… five of them Joey! Okay, only half of his kids are called Joey, but Gloria Tesch… ACTUALLY REMEMBERED A PLOT POINT AND SORT OF FOLLOWED IT UP. I’m actually impressed.

    But then again, its probably more likely she completely forgot about Hoppy’s fanboy worship, and it was a coincidence. Just like she forgot about Hoppy and Phoenix for several hundred pages. Or that you can never get hungry or sleepy in Maradonia.

  32. Curly on 31 March 2011, 03:31 said:

    @ The Monarch of Beverages
    I don’t want to give Tesch any credit, so the fact half the kids aren’t named Joey seems to show that she thought, “Wow what a super special idea,” promptly forgot and then thought of it again in this chapter (seemingly completely forgetting what she had already written). But this time she made it even more ‘cool’ by ensuring both of our Encouragers are equally recognised for their concentrated awesomeness, and their shared love of killing innocent animals. (It just occured to me, how many animals have they killed between Phoenix (may he rest in peace), the snake and Joey burning half the forest with his lighsaber/lasergun/any other weapon that sounds cool). HEY. Wait a second… WHY CAN’T PHOENIX TALK IF EVERY OTHER ANIMAL CAN? Yay for continuity!

  33. Prince o' Tea on 31 March 2011, 10:40 said:

    Indeed Curly. Let’s look at the body count of all the animals that have been murdered by our “Heroes” directly (usually by our little sociopath Joey), or killed in the cross fire (usually by Maya, since her spine has the strength of wet tissue paper)

    1) A serpent that was decapitated by Joey.

    2) Arabella, trampled to death by stampeding unicorns ridden by our merrie band.

    3) Several raven sisters, incinerated by Joey, who was keen to test his new flamethrower on sentinent wildlife, especially fast moving rabbits and deer. Since he burned down a forest, its safe to assume lots of talking mammals and bugs were burned alive.

    4) Phoenix, poisoned by Maya’s Super Heroic and Not At All Obvious Chalice switcheroo.

    I think its safe to assume Joey is a budding serial killer, given his complete and utter disregard for sentinent wildlife, his sister, and his supposed friend “Hoppy”. I’m willing to bet that Maya forgot about Phoenix because there is absolutely nothing between her ears. At all.

  34. Costanza on 31 March 2011, 15:26 said:

    Oh this is the story all about how
    my life got flipped turned upside down
    Now I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there, I’ll tell you how I became the Prince of the Land of Maradonia.

    Somehwere in America, born and raised, drowning my sister was how I spent most of my days. Being an asshole, killing snakes and maxin’ outside of the school.

    When this Abaddon dude, he was up to no good, started making trouble in my neighborhood! I got in one little fight and Abaddon got scared, he said:
    “I’m gonna start screaming and pulling my hair.”

    I whistled for a plot and when it came near, it was pretty clear that Tesch had dicks in her ear. If anything I could say this shit was bad, but “Aw naw forget it, yo homes, to Maradonia!”

    I pulled up to Selinka around 7 or 8 and I yelled to my soldiers: “Yo homes, smell ya later!” I looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, to settle my throne as the Prince of Maradonia.

  35. swenson on 31 March 2011, 16:51 said:

    ^^ I love you.

  36. Costanza on 1 April 2011, 20:43 said:

    Thank you, Mr. swenson.

  37. BettyCross on 4 April 2011, 11:19 said:

    “Maradonia” reminds me of something. It took me a month to remember why it was so familiar. Yesterday I figured it out! It reminds me of The Eye of Argon, written by a 16 year old boy in 1970 and “published” in a local fanzine in Missouri.

    Basic info here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Eye_of_Argon

    Only difference is, it’s much shorter than any of the Maradonia books.

  38. swenson on 4 April 2011, 12:17 said:

    Oh, the good ol’ Eye of Argon!

    That reminds me, I was working on a video to go along with a reading of that, but I never finished it. On the audio side of things, I barely made it through the first page without bursting into laughter; on the video side of things I got lazy.

    I’m trying to think which is worse, and… I’m going to have to go with the Eye of Argon. While Gtesch’s grasp of the English language is… tenuous at best, she at least hasn’t called anyone a slut yet.

  39. Prince o' Tea on 5 April 2011, 10:41 said:

    Is anyone else pissed off that she took down her book trailer, as well as any criticism of her craptacular work?

    I guess she doesn’t want to be distracted while she writes the screenplay for “Maradonia and the Unicorns that Queef Endangered Butterflies”

  40. Quilloasa on 5 April 2011, 22:58 said:

    Pissed off, yes, but not surprised. In her defense, I can understand not wanting to be a party to one’s own disparagement, but trying to erase the evidence and rewrite the truth still comes across as bit Orwellian.

    The Maradonia Saga has nine books. The Maradonia Saga has always had nine books.

  41. swenson on 6 April 2011, 14:39 said:

    We have always been at war with Abaddon.

  42. Danielle on 6 April 2011, 20:14 said:

    We love Maya and Joey.

  43. Prince O' Tea on 12 April 2011, 10:49 said:

    Murder is Peace. Suetiful is Strength. Editing is Ignorance.

  44. Duothimir on 15 March 2015, 03:07 said:

    A little late to the party, I know, but I was thinking: Why didn’t Maya just switch Geranium’s cup with Flippy’s? It would have saved everyone an awful lot of trouble, and an innocent dog wouldn’t have had to die. Maya, even when she’s being smart, is a total moron. And no, I don’t care to go back and double check their names.

  45. The Smith of Lie on 15 March 2015, 07:17 said:

    Why didn’t Maya just switch Geranium’s cup with Flippy’s?

    He made a classic blunder anyway. He should have never gone against a Sue when death was on the line.

  46. lilyWhite on 15 March 2015, 08:15 said:

    A little late to the party, I know, but I was thinking: Why didn’t Maya just switch Geranium’s cup with Flippy’s?

    Because, as was established many, many chapters ago, Maya is a dumb shit.