Chapter Eighty-Eight – World Between the Worlds

Maya and Joey fly along on Sagitta’s back. The eagle rambles for a bit about how they’ve done a marvelous job and the prophecy has come to pass and so on and so forth. And finally Maya asks the question I’m sure has been on all of your minds:

“You know Sagitta, there are a couple of things which we don’t understand. Why did the kingdom of light choose us for this mission…for this extraordinary mission and what is so special with us?” (page 781)

Excellent question, I look forward to an answer.

Sagitta explains that it was the combination of both of them. Maya asks her to elaborate.

“I told you already that both of you are different in many ways but both of you are spiritual and you have an inside antenna for the sound of the ‘vibration words’ and the message of light. Maya has a total pure heart and she moves in faith forward. She had found the path of faith already before she heard the voice of Queen Aquamarisha.”

“And what about me?” Joey asked.

“Joey, you are a ‘pontifex’!” (page 781)

Pontifex is Latin for bridge-builder.

Sagitta explains that Joey is a bridge-builder and a dream and basically he has the ability to create bridges into different dimensions, which is how they found their way into a new dimension. So apparently Joey has this ability to create dimension bridges without even being aware of it. That’s pretty convenient.

Sagitta continues rambling about how they needed each other and never would have made it without each other. So I guess that’s the reason. Joey has mystical dimension-bridging powers and Maya has lots of faith and a pure heart. The novel makes sense now!

The eagle continues talking about how Maradonia exists but it exists in both the fantasy world and the real world at the same time. It’s a real world between spaces. Kind of like C.S. Lewis’ Woods Between the Worlds, remember?

Joey doesn’t get it, but then Maya explains it by repeating exactly what Sagitta said, almost word-for-word, and then it all makes sense. They talk about things all three of them already know and then talk about how they have proof in their backpacks that Maradonia is real. Which is great, except they never doubted Maradonia was real. Besides, if you wanted to know whether or not Maradonia was real, why wouldn’t you just look off the edge of the giant goddamned eagle you’re riding on that is completely covered in eyes?

Sagitta explains there are only a few real daydreamers (people like Joey) born every generation. So yeah…he’s Speshul. Eventually Sagitta drops them off at the swamp of Oraculus and takes off.

Drinks: 29

Chapter Eighty-Nine – The Nine Windows

Oraculus, as you may not remember, is the prophesying toad. He says hello to Maya and Joey and mentions it’s been many years since he’s seen them. Now, while I haven’t gone through and tallied up exactly how much time has passed (that’s a future project), at a guess, I’m going to go with a few weeks, maybe a month, tops. How have years passed? Or is this Tesch trying to say that time travels differently in different locations in Maradonia? I have no fucking idea.

Oraculus spends a page expositing about everything they have done. I know, Tesch. I’ve just read your entire goddamn book, you don’t need to spell out each thing.

Either Maya or Joey says that nobody will ever believe them. Oraculus says they shouldn’t tell them. I actually agree, that’s a good way to get a one-way ticket to padded cells. Wait. Never mind. Tell them! Tell them!

Oraculus then spends the next nine pages talking about everything that is going to happen to them.

Dead serious. Tesch feels like it’s a good idea to have characters spoil everything that’s coming in the next book. Now, I’m not going to go through and analyze every single fucking thing he says, because hell, I’m already committed to sporking Gold of Ophir, but let’s ramble through the highlights:

They’re in a time frame of one time, two times, and half time [???]
Teenagers are teasing them and Joey is angry
Two murderers sitting in a bar called ‘Spelunca’
‘Dominatio’ (a dominatrix? No idea)
Three wise men
The new city of pleasure [!!!]
After Abbadon dies a second time, vultures eat his liver
A gigantic battle for the key to the underworld

I left out a lot, but those are the most interesting bits. Oraculus explains they won’t fit into their old world, and they’ll have to defend themselves from enemies with their supernatural gifts. So I guess in the next book we can look forward to Joey burning down his school with the Key.

Oraculus says they’ll be coming back soon and some other boring stuff until he has an interesting quote:

“The one, who carries the ‘Key to the Underworld’ holds the opportunity to be the next future leader of all nations of the world.” (page 793)

If Joey becomes the leader of the world, I’m going to drink myself into a coma.

It gets better, though:

“This circumstances will lead to a great war in the valley of ‘Harmon Gorgonia’. The horses will walk through a blood level which will nearly reach their bellies.” (page 793)

Yeah, that’s not physically possible, Tesch. You can’t have a valley with two feet of blood. The number of bodies required to produce that much blood would make the valley so thick you couldn’t walk through it.

Oraculus explains that Joey hasn’t realized the full power of the key, which is probably why he’s torched a couple of forests. Maya asks how he will realize the full power.

“Three of his new friends will come and try to kill Joey and to steal the key. Joey will use the weapon for his own protection and defense. He will point the key towards the three men and the heat wave will be so strong that the eyes and tongues of these three men will melt in their sockets before their bodies fall to the ground and disappear. Only a black shadow of dust of these three men will be left over. When Joey will look at the three dust shadows on the burned ground, he will recognize for the first time the full power of the underworld.” (page 794)

Holy shit!

And this series is seriously marketed towards middle readers?

Joey, interestingly, doesn’t even blink at this bit of news.

Oraculus keeps rambling, about crowns and how Joey will get crowned King of the dragons. Good lord. Finally the toad comes out of his trance and doesn’t remember anything he’s said. But he does tell them that he’ll see them again and when they get back they should talk to him because it’ll allow them to get things done a lot faster. Yeah, and it’ll spoil most of the book. Not that you have any readers who actually give a shit, Tesch, but if you did you might want to avoid this.

Anyway. Chapter ends.

Drinks: 55

Chapter Ninety – Tears of Joy

Holy shit, it’s the last chapter!

Maya and Joey walk along. Eventually they find the cave and realize that everything looks very different from when they were last there. They walk through the cave and get lost and find three skeletons and turn around and it lasts for maybe two pages and then they figure out where they are and get back out onto the beach and find Libertine. Libertine reminds them that, like Narnia, one day in their world is like one thousand years in Maradonia.

They walk along, heading home, and decide to test their Tarnkappes. They work and it turns them invisible. Joey is particularly excited:

“This will open many, many different opportunities for us.” (page 804)

Joey is planning on visiting the girls’ locker room at school.

When they get back home they see three police cars parked outside. The cops are on their porch talking to their parents. Their parents explain that their kids been gone all day and they’re very worried and all that.

Maya decides the best option is to just sneak inside, hide all their shit, and go to bed. Joey agrees. They do so and hide their backpacks in their closets under blankets, say hi to their little brother Benji, hop into bed and fall asleep.

Meanwhile, the cop asks their mother if there was any note left in their rooms. The mother says she doesn’t think so, but decides to check. She gets upstairs, sees them asleep, and starts screaming like a banshee. The cops, at hearing her scream, pull out their pistols [!!!] and storm inside. Yeah, no cop would ever do that.

Their father mutters about having been in their rooms dozens of times all day and he never saw them. The cops ask them why their children go to bed fully dressed and wearing dirty tennis shoes. Wait…you mean Maya and Joey were crafty enough to sneak inside and hide everything but not crafty enough to put on their PJ’s? What a bunch of idiots. Their father bails them out, though:

“Yes officer, our children are very special. They do things like that…all the time.” (page 808)

HAHHAHAHAHAHAH.

Amazingly, the cops instantly accept this and take off. Their mother wonders about how their clothes are completely worn out. She mentions that their clothes are ‘lumpen’ (German for rags). But yeah…she doesn’t bother waking them up to ask what the fuck is going on.

Meanwhile, Mr. Perkins the neighbor – you probably don’t remember him, but he was the one who told them about the Pebble Beach in the first place – is standing outside wondering what’s happening. Their father pokes his head out and tells them that everything’s copacetic.

Mr. Perkins was shaking his head and continued, “Man…I am so fortunate that I have no children… because today’s children are strange and different…especially these two kids.” (page 810).

AND THAT’S IT! THE END!!!

Drinks: 15

But, before I officially close this piece out, I thought we should take a little walk down memory lane to recap everything The Encouragers accomplished throughout this book:

Nothing.

I don’t really think I’m exaggerating at all. Now, it’s true that Maya and Joey did do a few things, such as rescuing the mermaids and unicorns from Apollyon’s fortress. However, at that point, they were completely invincible, invisible, and had godlike powers. Nothing could have stopped them. They didn’t need to apply any ingenuity to the situation, it was like taking candy from a baby. They walked into Apollyon’s fortress, noticed a poorly hidden secret exit, collected everyone, and walked out. I doubt they ever even broke a sweat.

The same goes for when they destroyed the Schwarz Pulver Centers. They were invisible and invincible, there was essentially no danger, and it was Genarius’ plan.

Tesch might argue that Maya saved Genarius’ life. I would argue that it was more dumb luck and the fact that Maya has a magical invisibility hat than anything else. Maya did display a little ingenuity in switching the glasses, although that was so poorly written I’m not inclined to give Maya any credit. Plus, she ended up murdering her dog.

Tesch could also argue that Maya and Joey agreeing to be barbecued was very righteous and noble. That’s true, except they had a choice: Fight and die, or surrender and die with the chance that your friends might escape. It’s a lot less noble when you’re choosing between death and death.

That’s literally all they do. Maya and Joey are observers in Maradonia while Sagitta and a couple other magical beings do all the fighting and bail them out when they get themselves into shitty situations. And, of course, in the process Joey starts a couple forest fires. That’s it. The entire effect of The Encouragers in Maradonia was to slightly damage the environment.

These are our heroes.

Three final notes:

It’s been 11 months and 14 days since I began sporking this book.

Throughout the course of this sporking, I have written 64,469 words about this book. That’s right. I have written a novella’s worth of critique of this damn book…and I’m only 1/3rd of the way through the series.

Lastly – as you are probably aware, one of the ways I stayed sane was by turning the book into a drinking game. After I sporked each chapter, I went through counting up all of the errors, such as typos, grammatical errors, formatting errors, incorrect punctuation, incorrect use of quotation marks and italics and boldface, as well as errors and inconsistencies within the storyline. Now that the book is over, I went through and tallied up the total number of drinks to figure out just how many errors are in Maradonia and the Seven Bridges. In my opinion, this is a very conservative estimate – the first several chapters I didn’t even bother tracking half of the errors, and there are a number of problems with the formatting of the book that I didn’t even bother tracking for my drink count. But I have a number:

2,106.

That’s right.

TWO THOUSAND, ONE HUNDRED AND SIX ERRORS.

Even if you wanted to be extremely, staggeringly conservative, and throw out anything that is remotely subjective such as character decisions or perceived inconsistencies in the storyline – and let’s go overboard and say half my drink counts were for that, even though they weren’t…that’s still over 1,000 errors. More than one per page.

I’m not Tesch’s editor, and maybe Tesch likes paragraphs that aren’t indented. But if I were her editor, based on the book I just finished, I would estimate there are over 5,000 individual errors that need to be fixed in that manuscript.

I need to find myself a new hobby.

Oh well. On to Maradonia and the Gold of Ophir!

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Comment

  1. Curly on 8 April 2011, 06:12 said:

    You sir, are a legend. Well done, that’s committment.

    Well, at least we can look forward to Joey happily incinerating three people and melting their tongues. What a little psycopath. He murders animals, he burns down the freaking forest (twice) and… wow.
    I don’t envy your liver, mate.
    Onto the Gold of Phir! I might be naive as to ask what that means, but to be honest, I doubt it actually makes sense anyway. This is Gloria “Yay I Can Write a Book, Look at Me Everyone” Tesch we’re talking about, after all.
    And wow, there’s more mistakes than there have been years since Jesus was born. That takes an awful lot of skill.
    Here’s hoping the Gold of Ophir does a ‘ The Room’ and is so bad, it’s good. But I have always been an optimist.
    RIP Forest creatures, various crows, hundreds of Mermaid Snatchers, Rorschach’s liver, and sniff Phoienix. And Tesch’s reputation as a human being.

    both of you are spiritual and you have an inside antenna for the sound of the ‘vibration words’ and the message of light.

    And RIP the English language, which has been brutally beaten and abused for hundreds of pages. I’m just not sure it can take that kind of mutilation.

  2. TakuGifian on 8 April 2011, 07:07 said:

    :applauds:

    You are truly an hero, sir, for reading (and surviving) this thing where no one else dared.

    I need to find myself a new hobby.

    Maybe you could try sporking Ruinmists for a change? Or better, the Teacher’s Classroom Guide to same?

  3. Licht on 8 April 2011, 08:21 said:

    “And RIP the English language, which has been brutally beaten and abused for hundreds of pages. I’m just not sure it can take that kind of mutilation.”

    coughs And the German language. I still don’t know if she actually speaks it…

    Thanks for sporking Rorschach!
    You’ve done a great and truly horrible job. You are our ‘encourager’. – Or something.

  4. dragonarya on 8 April 2011, 08:58 said:

    Sagitta explains there are only a few real daydreamers (people like Joey) born every generation. So yeah…he’s Speshul.

    I take offense at— nah, I’m not even going to bother.

    After Abbadon dies a second time, vultures eat his liver

    Myth of Prometheus stealing much? Well, this girl steals from the bible.

    Yay, it’s over! I don’t know how you survived. Thanks for all the sporkings.
    Let’s all have a round of brain bleach while we listen to upcoming single Vibration Words!

  5. Darkrailroad on 8 April 2011, 09:27 said:

    Whilst I hardly need to add any more fail to this, the latin student in me is screaming, so; “pontifex” does not mean bridge builder. “Pons” means bridge, “pontifex” means priest, which is why the Pope is called the “pontifex maximus”, the greatest, or chief priest. Still, thanks for the sporkings.

  6. swenson on 8 April 2011, 09:43 said:

    Hello, children, and welcome to another edition of…

    BIBLICAL PLAGIARISM: COMPLETELY MISSING THE POINT EDITION!

    Today’s topic is:

    This circumstances will lead to a great war in the valley of ‘Harmon Gorgonia’. The horses will walk through a blood level which will nearly reach their bellies.

    We’ll get to the name of the valley in a moment, but our focus today is the rest of it. A great battle in a valley? Sounds quite a lot like Revelation/other Biblical prophecies to me. Specifically, the battle at Armageddon (also known as Megiddo), which will involve the armies of the Earth and is connected to the second coming of Christ (whether or not you believe the battle is ended by His coming or think He leads the battle depends on your interpretation of the Bible).

    A reference to an awful lot of blood reaching to a very great height on horses? That’s from Revelation 14:20, where it’s actually up to the horses’ bridles, and in context it’s either metaphorical (representing God’s wrath and the punishment meted out to sinners) or not actually from a battle anyway (it’s described as coming out of the “winepress of the wrath of God” outside “the city” (Jerusalem), so even if it was referring to actual blood, it’s supernatural in origin).

    Yet another example of Gtesch completely missing the point of the Biblical passages she rips off.

    Back to the valley name, though: Harmon doesn’t have any meaning I can find, but it is potentially related to (or at least pronounced in a similar manner as) the German surname Hermann, which means “warrior”. Gorgonia is either a woman’s name referencing the Gorgons (obviously!) or an order of cnidarians more commonly known as “sea whips” or “sea fans”. So either Gtesch just mashed the keyboard until she came up with something that looked like a name, or she was trying to make a reference to Greek mythology that completely flew over my head, because I really, really don’t get what she’s trying to say here with that name.

    Also… wow. I can’t believe you’re actually done and the book is actually over. You’re going to take a break before you start The Gold of Ophir, right? For your sanity’s sake?

  7. Licht on 8 April 2011, 10:03 said:

    I don’t reeeally think she cared for the message in those biblical passages. They probably just sounded cool.

    Gorgonia relatet to Gorgons is what I thought, I second that.
    But Harmon/Hermann is too far fetched for me. Harmon sounds awfully familiar, though.

    Holman Bible Dictionary

    HARMON
    (hahr’ muhn) Place name of uncertain meaning in Amos 4:3 as translated by NRSV, NAS, NIV. KJV reads, “palace,” changing the first letter of the Hebrew word to a common Hebrew noun for royal fortresses. TEV does not translate the final Hebrew word, saying it is unclear. REB changes two Hebrew letters slightly to translate, “dunghill.” The earliest Greek translation read, “Mount Rimmon.” Some Bible students change the first letter slightly to read, “Mount Hermon.” If Harmon, the unchanged Hebrew text, is read, we know nothing of the place meant. Whatever the precise reading of the original, Amos’ intention was to describe the drastic fate waiting the sinful women of Samaria, a fate using terminology connected with slaughter of animals and exile.

    Interesting…

  8. Prince o' Tea on 8 April 2011, 10:04 said:

    Thankyou so much. I’ve been following your sporkings of the Merdedonia (get it? Merde, and it sounds like murder, as in what she does to the english language), and I always look forward to each one (its become a ritual, I even go get snacks whenever I see a new one. A good spork deserves a kinder bueno or a dr pepper or a packet of monster munch. Or all three.)

    I cannot wait for the next one, please start it as soon as possible! Even if Allana Terrance and her mother will be dying in it.

    I am so glad you sporked the original copy, before Gloria split the books in half, and is now trying to pretend she wrote six books.

    Considering the end of the book was anticlimatic as ever (this war is boring, lets go home lol) I am wondering at what point does this book get split in half to become 2? There is no real arc to this book, and seems to end because G Tesch thought writing two books as soon as possible, would be more impressive then one. Also, does that mean pretty much all the characters we’ve met so far will be dead in Gold of Ophir? Since one day in Oceanside seems to equal a thousand years in Maradonia. Looks like we will be seeing the last of Felipe, Aquamarisha, Big Bertha, Hoppy, Fayina, Genarious, Lady Ruchi…

    Also… the mouth is a socket now? And what are those shitty drawings (even by Marina Tesch standards) supposed to mean?

  9. LoneWolf on 8 April 2011, 12:03 said:

    I am amazed by the ‘Maradonia’ masterpiece. The first book is full of wonderful Biblical symbolism and deep moral issues about good and evil. I can’t wait to tread the next book, ‘Gold of Ophir’.

  10. Charlotte on 8 April 2011, 12:44 said:

    Bravo! I’m amazed that anybody could make it through this.

  11. swenson on 8 April 2011, 13:30 said:

    Licht – aha! I should’ve checked for a Biblical reference. The Hermann thing seemed like a stretch to me too, but it was the only thing I could find.

  12. Costanza on 8 April 2011, 14:52 said:

    You know what would have been a good ending?

    Joey activates the key to the underworld and Tesch describes, in glorious detail, Joey burning to death, his skin melting and his eyes burning out of his head.

    Then Abdaddon comes by, spits on his corpse, and Maya rolls him into a ditch.

    Oh, and then Morgana is raped by Apolloyon for being a ****ing idiot whose plot strand ending as suddenly and unsatisfyingly as it began.

    We should have a useless character count as well.

  13. The Drunk Fox on 8 April 2011, 15:32 said:

    Three cheers for Rorschach, for finally finishing this crime against various languages/mythologies/works by other people! Good luck whenever you start the next one!

  14. Inspector Karamazov on 8 April 2011, 16:06 said:

    Hats off to you, sir!

    bows

  15. Prince o' Tea on 8 April 2011, 16:28 said:

    He deserves flapjacks, brownies and other baked goodies.

  16. Chey on 8 April 2011, 16:46 said:

    applauds forever

    As much as I want you to take a well-deserved break, I also cannot wait for Gold of Ophir. I suspect it will be even more hilariously horrible. xD

    But first, seriously dude, go eat whatever your favorite food is and relax as long as you want. You earned it.

  17. Violet Hill on 8 April 2011, 17:00 said:

    Well done, good sir! applauds and bows

    And the only thing I have to say about the spork-worthy Maradonia is this:

    . . .

    slowclap

  18. Quilloasa on 8 April 2011, 18:12 said:

    I salute you, my good sir, and I also salute your eyes, your brain, and your poor, poor liver. Thank you for such an insightful (and funny) spork. I look forward to reading you ripping into Gold of Ophir, but don’t overdo it. Take a well-deserved break first.

    In any case, thank you!

  19. Curly on 8 April 2011, 19:09 said:

    @ Prince o’ Tea

    I’ve been following your sporkings of the Merdedonia (get it? Merde, and it sounds like murder, as in what she does to the english language)

    Oh, for a second there I thought you meant merde as in the French word for sh*t. Whether or not that was intentional, YAY FRENCH. Hooray for puns!

  20. Prince o' Tea on 8 April 2011, 19:25 said:

    Yes that was the point! As in its shit, and it murders the english language when you combine it with Maradonia! : D

  21. drkeiscool on 8 April 2011, 19:32 said:

    Hey, Harmon is also the last name of the actor who plays Agent Gibbs!

    http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001319/

    I wonder if that means anything…

  22. Curly on 8 April 2011, 19:33 said:

    Hooray for double meanings!

  23. Erin on 8 April 2011, 19:59 said:

    You are a hero, sir. A hero! Thank you for putting yourself through this for little old us!

    Thoughts: – Three wise men in Gold of Ophir. Because the Bible hasn’t been plagerized enough.

    - So, when Joey MELTS THE EYES AND TONGUES of those guys… does that happen in the “real” world? He’d get arrested! And why is the alleged hero using the bad guy powers?!?

    - One day in the real world is a thousand years in Maradonia? That’s a ridiculously huge number. Even Narnia’s time difference wasn’t that extreme. So it appears Joey and Maya have been there for a THOUSAND YEARS. What’s the average lifespan in Maradonia again?

    - Maya and Joey are such jerks for making their poor parents look like idiots in front of the police. Also, why wouldn’t Benji go say something to the parents once he realized his brother and sister were home?

  24. Curly on 8 April 2011, 20:30 said:

    Also, why wouldn’t Benji go say something to the parents once he realized his brother and sister were home?

    To be honest, I’m astounded that Tesch remembered Benji existed at all. It was probably the only instance of consistency in the whole book.

  25. Brontozaurus on 8 April 2011, 21:04 said:

    applause

    I can’t wait to see how bad the next book is.

    Just a thought, if one day in the real world=1000 years in Maradonia, shouldn’t that mean that when they return, everyone they met is dead?

  26. Ridureyu on 8 April 2011, 22:19 said:

    I love, love, LOVE the smiley faces in that one window.

    I mean, just look at them! Well, two smileys and three frownies.

  27. Kilgore on 8 April 2011, 22:33 said:

    I salute you Rorshach!

  28. Curly on 8 April 2011, 22:36 said:

    Just a thought, if one day in the real world=1000 years in Maradonia, shouldn’t that mean that when they return, everyone they met is dead?

    Haha don’t be ridiculous. You are using logic, which does not exist in Maradonica.
    You are so silly.

  29. dragonarya on 8 April 2011, 22:40 said:

    Oh yeah, and is it just me, or does the cover with the woman’s face that’s (supposed to be) pretty on one side and ugly on the other is absolutely irrelevant? (Probably another mythology rip-off, this time Norse.)

  30. Curly on 8 April 2011, 22:42 said:

    Again, sorry for another double post, but I just have to say

    “Three of his new friends will come and try to kill Joey and to steal the key. Joey will use the weapon for his own protection and defense. He will point the key towards the three men and the heat wave will be so strong that the eyes and tongues of these three men will melt in their sockets before their bodies fall to the ground and disappear. Only a black shadow of dust of these three men will be left over. When Joey will look at the three dust shadows on the burned ground, he will recognize for the first time the full power of the underworld.”

    This is a 13 YEAR OLD GIRL writing this. WHERE IS SHE GETTING THESE SORTS OF IDEAS?! Something is very wrong here…

  31. Curly on 8 April 2011, 22:48 said:

    Oh, thanks dragonarya, you have saved me this shame of a double post (and by writing this thanks, I am in fact doing a double post. Ooooh, irony.)
    Anyway, in answer to your question, I think that she’s trying to be all symbolic like with Harvey Dent in The Dark Knight and failing dismally. I always thought it looked a bit like Medusa, myself. (Is her hair snakes? Like Celia in Monsters Inc?) But yeah, there is no symblolism to link to whatsoever anyway. She probably just thought it looked cool. (She’s wrong of course, it just looks like sombody’s vomited all over the page.)

  32. swenson on 8 April 2011, 23:11 said:

    Oh, I forgot to mention (although I’m sure most people noticed anyway)—the “one day is as a thousand years/a thousand years are as one day” is a double rip-off. First, it’s in the Bible when talking about God’s time (and how He is outside of it), and again it’s not stated as an exact thing but as a metaphor simile (hence the use of “as”). Second, as Rorschach mentioned in the spork, it’s a Narnia rip-off.

  33. Prince O' Tea on 8 April 2011, 23:21 said:

    Thankyou Dragon! I always assumed it was Maya, contrasted with some creature she meets at some point. Only that never happens. Besides I didn’t think Gloria would pass up a chance to have “Maya, Maya, Between the Dimensional Wall, Who is the Most Suetiful of them all” on the cover.

    There is a mention of the fairies being beautiful and having an ugly side, so maybe that represents Lorris or Gertrude? Not our beloved “but what about poison” broad, because we are explicitly reminded that she is a Black Person. Beautiful yes, but probably not as hot as the white and Aryan fairies.

    But then again our heroes have not crossed a single thing in Merdedonia that even resembles a bridge. And the tests boiled down to: “Falling into a pit of slime, and screaming like a little bitch until you get rescued” or “Decapitate someone who tells you that you can’t walk this way”

  34. fffan on 9 April 2011, 02:56 said:

    Ladies and gentlemen, Rorshcach’s super human liver!

  35. Kye on 9 April 2011, 03:41 said:

    Man, this book was really messed up. I really loved your sporkings of its awfulness, though. I also can’t wait until you do Gold of Ophir. :) thank you for such an awesome spork. :D

  36. Moggo on 9 April 2011, 06:21 said:

    “Oh, and then Morgana is raped by Apolloyon for being a ****ing idiot…”

    No. Sorry, but just…no.

    I think I need a drink, now.

  37. Licht on 9 April 2011, 11:04 said:

    Take a closer look at those crappy pictures. Are these unhappy looking people with smiley-faces having bird-cages for bellies? And are those with their belly-birds flying around happy, whereas the others aren’t?

  38. Creature_NIL on 9 April 2011, 11:45 said:

    There has been a lot of mention of GTesch ripping of the Bible in these posts, and I was wondering, has anyone noticed that Maradonia is only two letters off from the city (or country/province/I don’t really remember exactly what it is…) Macedonia that is mentioned many times in the New Testament?
    It may be just a freak coincidence not actually mean anything… but still.

  39. Moggo on 9 April 2011, 12:20 said:

    Actually, “Maradonia” reminds me more of football player Maradona.

  40. LoneWolf on 9 April 2011, 13:03 said:

    Macedonia is mentioned more then any other geographical term in the Bible? And yeah, if search for “Maradonia” in Google, it suggests “Maradona” as the alternative.

  41. BettyCross on 9 April 2011, 14:52 said:

    “The one, who carries the ‘Key to the Underworld’ holds the opportunity to be the next future leader of all nations of the world.” (page 793)

    Joey is the anti-Christ. Oh. My. God.

    They’re in a time frame of one time, two times, and half time [???]

    1+2+0.5 = 3.5
    This is a motif of premillenial end times prophecy. After the Christians are raptured, the Anti-Christ takes power for 3.5 years. All is well. Then suddenly, someone tries to kill him. He appears to be dead. Then Satan resurrects him from the grave. He becomes a cruel tyrant for the next 3.5 years and persecutes the Jews. His bloody reign ends at the Battle of Armageddon when Jesus comes back to take over the world for 1000 years.

    Seriously, I think that’s the key.

    Full disclose: I’m not premillenial and don’t believe any of this.

  42. Requiem on 9 April 2011, 15:27 said:

    good work surviving that book. How many pages is the next one? Also i’m wondering how many other stories from the bible she will rip off. I guess originality is impossible to come by when it comes to GTesches writing.

  43. Rorschach on 9 April 2011, 15:30 said:

    How many pages is the next one?

    Almost exactly the same size. This one was 810 pages, the next one is 804.

  44. VikingBoyBilly on 9 April 2011, 15:36 said:

    I wish text could be youtube-poopable, but sadly that is not the case. I could have had so much fun with ‘Food effects your mood!’ and ‘The diarrhea of words’.

    So if maradonia time is 1000 years slower than earth time, I dont understand how almost the whole day passed while they were in there. Shouldn’t they have returned just a few microseconds from when they left? I guess the walks to and from the beach could account for the time spent away from home.

    But… their mother called the police?! Clearly this means the kids shouldn’t have snuck off that friday. What were they thinking? They couldn’t wait until saturday and ask their mom if they could go to the beach? They had to skip school and be sneaky about it?

  45. Prince O' Tea on 9 April 2011, 19:46 said:

    Silence! You do not speak ill of the Sues. Theirs is a journey sanitized with virtue and honour, and the doing of good for the many. You may not understand with so many images bombarding us, but you are clearly a “video gamer” and have no understanding of anything important. Miss Tesch is a sweet, unassuming young lady who does pose sluttily or wear hater blockers in any photographs.

    Luis C. Genius and Psychologist dude.

  46. Flarehawk on 9 April 2011, 19:56 said:

    Cue every single character returning in the next book completely the same, Maya’s dog coming back to life because shit, why not and whatshisface the “king of evil but not really because durr” conveniently lapsing into a coma and not taking advantage of the 1 day to 1000 year time conversion that they aren’t there.

    Seriously, what the hell. If the timegap is that huge, even dropping out of Maradurria for a snack would result in massive changes, let alone being gone for an entire day. Jeez, all this book should have been is Maya and Joey dicking around for 800 pages in the real world while Appoleon rules over Maradonia, dies and turns to fertilizer in less than the time it takes to make a goddamn sandwich.

    THIS BOOK SHOULD NOT EXIST.
    WHY DOES IT EXIST?

  47. Costanza on 9 April 2011, 21:20 said:

    Maradonia and the Seven Bridges is the greatest book ever written, and a way of life as well. it will be the foundation for a new religion, and Maya and Joey are heroes so great that everyone can look up to them and wish for their lives.

    1. This book’s plot is amazing, and will blow you away.
    2. The clever writing style brilliantly foreshadows major plot points.
    3. The characters are so fleshed-out that you could swear they were real.
    4. The world of Maradonia feels incredibly real and detailed.
    5. The book has deep symbolic meaning that echoes the Bible itself.

    This story is truly the best ever written, and nothing comes close to it. Miss Tesch is both the greatest and youngest novelist in the world, and a genius beyond even my understanding. You should all feel humbled to read this amazing book.

    -Benedict XIV, Pope

  48. Curly on 9 April 2011, 21:31 said:

    You have echoed my thoughts exactly, sir. I thought no-one would understand.

  49. Pnikkis on 10 April 2011, 03:54 said:

    I have a feeling that if Costanza would send that to Tesches website Gloria would proudly put on the reviews sections. “Look! The Pope himself complements my book!!!”

  50. Curly on 10 April 2011, 08:44 said:

    The sad thing is, she actually probably would.

  51. T on 10 April 2011, 09:08 said:

    What Costanza should have done was sign it ‘John Paul II’ just to see if anyone picks up on it. Somehow I doubt Gloria would.

  52. Prince O' Tea on 10 April 2011, 09:20 said:

    Bwahahahaha, Constanza bravo. I wonder how long before Gloria writes a fake review that says:

    “Maradonia is soo coool, and gofficks are so gross and evil. Gloria is a master storyteller and her books contain the meaning of life. JK Rowling wises she was as good as Gloria! Gloria is in no way related to Tommy Wiseau. She is not his niece or bride to be.”
    God C. God. (the c stands for christian!)

    Gloria’s stance on witchcraft reminds me of Divine’s speech at the end of Pink Flamingos, before she kills the Marbles.

  53. Klutor the Ninth on 10 April 2011, 11:22 said:

    Probably another mythology rip-off, this time Norse

    Hel, goddess of the underworld and daughter of trickster-shapeshifter-badass Loki. She was a normal woman on one side of her body and a decaying corpse on the other.

    So, when Joey MELTS THE EYES AND TONGUES of those guys… does that happen in the “real” world? He’d get arrested!

    No, he doesn’t. He’s the Hero of our Story.

    And why is the alleged hero using the bad guy powers?!?

    Lots of heroes have “Bad Powers”. It makes for an interesting subversion and also some believeable angst. However, Joey is a Stu and therefore my argument has nothing to say about him. Except that he’s a psycho of Eragonian proportions.

    THIS BOOK SHOULD NOT EXIST.
    WHY DOES IT EXIST?

    I heartily concur.

    Overall – Well done, Rorschach. I envy the supersaiyan durability of your liver. I really do.
    This shit is far, FAR worse than even Twilight.

  54. swenson on 10 April 2011, 17:19 said:

    Costanza – I just noticed that you put Benedict XIV. Typo, or on purpose? Funny either way!

  55. -Sentinel- on 10 April 2011, 17:19 said:

    Whoa. It’s finally over. And you’re getting ready to enter the nightmare once again. You’re either a hero, a madman or a masochist, or possibly a mix of all three. Or maybe you just use this book as an excuse to drink lots and lots of booze…

    I just mailed you my liver, it’s still in a pretty good state. You’re going to need it.

  56. Curly on 10 April 2011, 21:40 said:

    Hooray for illegal transplants!

  57. dragonarya on 10 April 2011, 21:59 said:

    Hel, goddess of the underworld and daughter of trickster-shapeshifter-badass Loki. She was a normal woman on one side of her body and a decaying corpse on the other.

    Yep. But I doubt Glo has even heard of it.

  58. Curly on 10 April 2011, 22:39 said:

    Does anyone know Gloria’s email adress? If so, can you please email this to her? Thanks. And don’t be so naive dragon, if she can rip off the BIBLE, I don’t think she’s above stealing from ancient mythology. ;) This is Gloria Tesch we are talking about, after all.
    Adventure is out there!

  59. LoneWolf on 11 April 2011, 01:40 said:

    You just don’t understand ‘Maradonia by Gloria Tesch’. It’s not ‘plagiarism’, these are ‘deep Biblical allusions’ that make Gloria’s story very deep, multilayered and complex.

  60. Curly on 11 April 2011, 02:13 said:

    I am so sorry, I see it all now. It shows ‘Deep Philosophical Values‘ and instructs children how to be able to listen to the voices of the wind with your ‘inside antenna.’ The values shown here are so immense and precariously importance that God himself copied them in the bible, and it has inspired people to replace the words in The Phresh Prince of Belair with new lyrics to proclaim their love and effectation for the deep and happily characters “Inside the pages” of Maradonia. The Bitch Slap is a deep metaphor that shows that though you can be angry, you are never angry because emotions are an illusion.

  61. Licht on 11 April 2011, 10:12 said:

    It frightens me a little… You shouldn’t be able to mimic Gtesch so well… O.O

  62. swenson on 11 April 2011, 12:22 said:

    Glo. I like that. We’ve been without a proper nickname for Gtesch for too long. I mean, “Gtesch” is technically a nickname, but that nickname formation is already taken by Smeyer.

    Heh. Glo. I think I’ll borrow that!

  63. Prince O' Tea on 11 April 2011, 13:54 said:

    What you also fail to address is that Gloria is the “World’s Youngest Novelist” who with fifteen years, has written six incredible tomes of wonder, delight, fancy, fear and faith, and are special because of the sibling relation of its heros, Maya and Joey, who will overcome their teenage fears and video games, to become warriors and rulers of Maradonia and show their true inner psychological powers, and that the treasured tomes of Maradonia are of a far deeper, more spiritual substance then Harry Potter, Narnia or Stephen King. Children will delight in the fun and whimsy of Maya and Joey’s adventures in Maradonia, while adults will be surprised and strengthened by the valour and psychological depth of the siblings, in their incredible strength of truth. This is a book for all ages, and it will soon be adapted into what will surely be one of the greatest fantasy adventures film yarns of all time.

    And… the author is the ripe age of just fifteen years, and her modesty and understanding, and indeed, compassion for her “haters” is just truly overwhelming, displaying a maturity and wisdom that matches that of her heroes. These sorry lost souls and “video gamers” will soon understand the folly of their ways, and will soon embrace “Maradonia” TM as the astonishing, fast paced chiller it is.

    Jesus C. Lord.

  64. Creature_NIL on 11 April 2011, 17:01 said:

    Chiller… that actually describes the book pretty well!

    It all makes sense now! This book is actually a satire of the deprecation of the English language.

    It cleverly portrays its abuse, as it horrifies the readers with its abuse of sentence syntax, grammar, punctuation, and spelling. It also delves deeper with thinly veiled attempts at plagiarism from various sources and discrimination against certain demographic backgrounds.

    I look forward to the next Chiller/Horror/Satire by Glo-Tesch!

  65. Licht on 11 April 2011, 17:04 said:

    @Prince O’Tea: For some unknown reason Stephen King in there cracked me up. XD

    Also, you should write ‘One of the Greatest Fantasy Adventures’.

  66. Prince O' Tea on 11 April 2011, 18:19 said:

    Haha, the sad part is most of what I wrote is boiled down from the many sockpuppeted reviews of Maradonia (such as the several that describe her book as a “chiller”. It could be, if we treat Joey less like a Stu and more like a larval stage American Psycho, but its more likely Glowie has no idea wtf the word means.) Or that she refers to her books being like Stephen King’s, Stephanie Meyer’s, JK Rowling’s and CS Lewis’s.

    I totally should. I plan to call it “Sparkletwinklecandypoppia, and the Legend of the Unicorns that Queefed Out Pink Endangered Butterflies”

  67. Costanza on 11 April 2011, 19:00 said:

    The stories of this 14 year old novelist are just overwhelming because of the simplicity and they show from their psychological proportions in the life of the siblings, Maya and Joey, and in their fight between good versus evil a far deeper substance – basically a story behind the story – and this is one of the reasons why I believe that the Maradonia Saga will certainly have a longer life line in the future than the Twilight or the Harry Potter series. But there are other reasons

    Maradonia is not just entertainment! Maradonia is a life style because it meets our longings to experience the truth of life, love and death.

    This Maradonia New-Life-Style is able to help the reader better to understand life itself and his role in his own family, the nation and in the universe.

    The Encouragers are able to encourage every reader to discover their own gifts and abilities.

    The Maradonia books, I believe, will play sooner or later an important role for fans, middle readers and young adults, and they are a must-read for parents, teachers, and librarians that will serve as a bridge to growth in knowledge, faith and in the understanding that there is power in positive thinking.

    Armando N. Psychologist

    Real review from her website.

  68. Costanza on 11 April 2011, 19:09 said:

    Oh, and just read the first sentence to confirm 100% that this review is a sockpuppet.

    The only person who can type such an incoherent run-on sentence like that is Tesch.

  69. Prince O' Tea on 11 April 2011, 19:14 said:

    I love how the first sentence makes absolutely no sense. Which is what I was aiming for in my review: Use lots of big fancy words to make yourself sound important, but ultimately come out with a sentence that doesn’t really make sense.

  70. Curly on 11 April 2011, 19:53 said:

    I love how she adds “Psychologist” and the initial there just to sound that bit more professional. However, I lament the sake of our souls if she really believes all of that stuff. Even the fact that she wrote that down shows she is one twisted kid.

    This sweeping epic journey into a fantastical world of magic and power, earned Gloria the distinction of being the world’s youngest or one of the youngest published novelists.

    Ha. “Or one of…” why would you even have the first part there then?

    With such a young age, Gloria is able to straddle between the world of surreal adventure and the world of page-turning mainstream adventure and connects the ordinary, natural world with the supernatural world with unexpected twists and absolutely surprising results. Gloria is currently writing her next Trilogy of three novels: “Maradonia and the Lost Secret of Kra” as well as “Maradonia and the Unleashed Beast” and “Maradonia and the Curse of Abbadon.” She said, “I have a pretty clear concept for at least ten more books of the Maradonia Saga.”

    Hehe, straddle. And yes, you bet her results are “absolutely surprising” because they make absolutely no f*cking sense whatsoever. And I don’t knwo what is worse, that she believes she has a “clear concept,” or that she is writing ten more books. God help us all.

  71. Licht on 11 April 2011, 20:04 said:

    Ha. “Or one of…” why would you even have the first part there then

    Probably because she added the second half after people started complaining and pointing out, what? – a thousand times?, that she, in fact, isn’t the youngest?

    Maybe she writes and “edits” and sells these “books” just for us? I mean, come on, noone else reads them. Maybe that’s her marketing tactic? If you can’t write good enough to draw some “real” readers in, you can at least write bad enough and appear dellusional enough to attract the critics.

    (I feel like Gtesch now, using so many ““s )

  72. swenson on 11 April 2011, 21:16 said:

    OK, so ten more books… that would bring the total to 16, right? (well, 13 or 14, more like, but she split a few up)

    …Rorshach, you think you can make it?

  73. Curly on 11 April 2011, 21:25 said:

    We should just do what they did in Monty Python’s “The Meaning of Life,” and steal people’s livers for our lord and saviour. Anyone got a hacksaw? It’s okay, it’s for science!

  74. Rorschach on 11 April 2011, 21:55 said:

    OK, so ten more books… that would bring the total to 16, right? (well, 13 or 14, more like, but she split a few up)

    …Rorshach, you think you can make it?

    Me? Maybe. My liver, on the other hand….

    I intend to finish this current little series/saga/trilogy/six-book crapfast. After that, it would probably take something special. There are other things I’m interested in sporking.

  75. Curly on 11 April 2011, 21:57 said:

    Good on you mate. Dedication. Just like Joey. After that, you give your poor little liver a rest for me, okay?

  76. Licht on 11 April 2011, 22:09 said:

    Curly, I’ve got a dog, a German Shepherd, would that help? We could train him, he could be a liver-sniffing dog… – No… wait… that’s nonsense!

    - But it would look sooo coool!

    - Wai…what?! It’s nonsense!

    - It would be sooo freaking COOL! And it’s unique! Totally unique!

    - Yea, unique, because everybody else can see why it’s dumb. Only you don’t.

    - It’s Fantasy!

    - That. Is. Not. An. Acceptable. Excuse.

    - Everybody loves dogs! I always wanted to have a dog. Everybody who wants to have a dog loves a story about a dog! Children will love it! Children buy anything! Parents buy anything for their children! They won’t mind!

    - Have you ever cared to think about your responsibility as an author, about your educational…

    - Yea, yea, all right. There’s nothing that can beat children and animals! You know that. The dog always survives. Everybody loves dogs! They’re cute!

    - It’s a HUGE, dangerous dog. That’s not cute.

    - Girls loove dangerous, wild…

    - It’s NOT a werewolf. Also: That’s gross.

    - Sniffing livers is a TOTALLY DIFFERENT superpower! Everybody would love that story! Especially the characters. For them it will be the characters, their favorite characters will be dog and the guy who cuts the livers out.

    - … I… I can’t even…

    - Oh, come on. If we don’t like the dog enough, we’ll “forget” him somewhere along the story and only bring him up again, if we need an allmight deus ex machina! Comeeee ooonn! I know you want it, toooooohoooo….

    - N…o… No! Hell! No! Never!

    - SAY IT!

    - No. It’s bullshit. No one needs something like a liver-sniffing dog. Most people do have livers, you know? And most of the time they’re located in the same area of the body. It doesn’t make any sense to have a liver-sniffing dog. It’s obviously stupid and adds nothing to the story. Really. Only a…

    - Yey for liver-sniffing dog!

    - -_-°

  77. Curly on 11 April 2011, 22:21 said:

    Licht, you do know that having a conversation with yourself is the first sign of Gloria Tesch syndrome (aka insanity)? I used to have a liver sniffing dog once. Then I ate him. Aaaah, good times.

  78. Licht on 11 April 2011, 22:37 said:

    A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

    - No! We needs the liver! We needs to save… the Master!

    *hugs self *

    We know… yes we know! We’re not a split personality. We know each other. Yes, yes, yes!

  79. Curly on 11 April 2011, 22:53 said:

    Shut up Golem!!!!

  80. Prince O' Tea on 11 April 2011, 23:05 said:

    I always giggle when she talks about “Maradonia and the Unleashed Beast”. I wonder if she knows what to “unleash the beast” is sometimes slang for…

    Anyhow. I did a bit of research, and this is, or at least cliams to be the mysterious Leah Dellaire.

    http://www.linkedin.com/in/911editing

    http://911editing.org/default.aspx And her website which no longer exists. Funny how the two photographs don’t really look alike, at all.

    Also Leah Dellaire talks exactly how Glowie (and all her other glowing positive reviews) do… “herding cats with aplomb WUT” and “smoothing out infelicities of style”. I’m willing to bet this woman is a complete figment of Glowie’s imagination.

  81. Licht on 11 April 2011, 23:41 said:

    What frightens me is that I go on like this the whole day. (That, and I feel like vomiting pea soup and turning my head around 180°, but never mind.)

    Anyway, back to business.
    Gloria being her own editors would explain why the manuscript doesn’t seem to have had much improvement from a first draft, although – what, three?- editors are claimed to have been working on it.
    But, honestly, I think she’s a real person, just not a really good editor.

  82. Curly on 11 April 2011, 23:58 said:

    If she was a real editor, why can’t she spell eighty? Or recognise that someone having an “Inner Antennae” sounds like a bad Japanese translation of Inception? Or that it all sounds like the sort of stories I wrote in Grade 2, just longer and somehow in published form? And don’t worry, Licht, you good friend you. That happens to me as well, but now I take my happy pills and there are rainbows everywhere.. so many rainbows.

  83. Curly on 12 April 2011, 00:01 said:

    And now I shall stop saying weird things, as I am scaring both myself and my cat, who has given me a mortified look and is walking all over the keyboard in a effort to dilute the profanities being daintily typed my my fingers. Then again, he has also been saying “Today a Reader, tomorrow a Leader,” and sprouting antlers, so it may just be the drugs.

  84. LoneWolf on 12 April 2011, 01:03 said:

    No, I think Leah Dallaire actually exists. Her style is different then Gloria’s – for example, she abstains from quotes and italics. I just don’t think she edited it at all – she probably understood that nobody requires real editing here, just praise.

  85. Curly on 12 April 2011, 03:43 said:

    Yeah, either she’s like “Nah it’s great, my work’s done here,” or Glo (love it) just used her as a ‘reference’ to look all professional and she actually wasn’t the editor at all. Ahh, conspiracies, gotta love ‘em.

  86. Prince O' Tea on 12 April 2011, 06:39 said:

    I really wish we could have seen 911 Editing when it was up. I wonder if the site ever existed as a functional company, as it started just after Glo started making her presence felt 2009, and we know she started writing Merdedonia aaages before that. Who knows? Personally I don’t think she’s real, and was conjured up to make Maradonia seem more “Speshul”. Though maybe its her mother or father writing the reviews? I mean, every review is pretty much the same.

  87. Curly on 12 April 2011, 06:54 said:

    Yeah, I was thinking that. As the two photos look nothing alike, and we know Glo has a love of fake reviews, I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole thing was a huge scam and she never existed. I am happy to be proved wrong, as this essentially means Glo has lied and cheated and MADE PEOPLE UP just to satisfy her own twisted ego.

  88. Prince O' Tea on 12 April 2011, 07:17 said:

    Does anything Glo does surprise you at this point? Actually thats a lie, Glo keeps coming with new ways to surprise me (the book trailer, and then the site for DAH MOOVEH), but making up fake reviews by fake people who sound important is standard Glo fare, Curly! Though if Leah is real, I can’t imagine why she would want her Professional Company stained with the epic turdstain that is Maradonia. There is nothing nice you can say about it. Even the drawings are awful. (Gloria’s mother does have some drawing ability, but at a GCSE art level at best.)

  89. Curly on 12 April 2011, 07:32 said:

    Peace, my good beverage loving monarch, I was merely saying that though Gloria has a pencant for making up psychologists and 90-year-old people who love her books, the thought of her creating A WHOLE WEBSITE AND A PERSON WITH PICTURES AND A BACKSTORY does scare me slightly. And I am unfamiliar with the acronym GSCE. Do you mean NEWTs? (Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Tests. Yeah I have a life. Shut up.)
    She does constantly surprise me though. Up until this point I thought the movie was sort of a joke, but the fact she is SERIOUS makes me cry. A book is one thing, but a movie?! I can just imagine her parents doing a Dr, Frankenstein and weeping: “Good god, what have we created?” … Ok, that’s a bit harsh, now I feel mean.

  90. Licht on 12 April 2011, 08:42 said:

    The second photo seems to have been reworked and smoothed out in photoshop for a bit too long… But I think it’s a real person, not a made up personality. You look different on different photos. I do.
    However, she could be part of the family. Like, Gloria’s aunt or the wife of her brother or something… That would be awesome (in quite a positive way) the whole family behind her project. I mean, yes, it’s dellusional and it’s poorly written. But the whole family working together is actually pretty impressing.

    Have you seen the “editor” is writing a book herself? Let’s hope it isn’t inspired by her amazing work on the breathtaking Maradonia Saga TM…

    Jaaa…. me good friend me…Chicka, chicka, chickabee… T’ee an me an t’ee an me… Ressa, ressa, ressa me… Chicka, chicka, chickabee!

  91. Prince O' Tea on 12 April 2011, 09:23 said:

    Hmmm…. I see what you mean, but it is her behaviour taking its natural evolution. On a scale of Tesch So Crazy 1 to 10, I would say its a six, maybe a seven (the book trailer alone is OFF DA CHARTS.) GCSEs are more like OWLs since, you take them around the age you turn 16. In England we then have Higher Education for A Levels or NEWTS, which you take when you are 19 usually.

    I don;t really know though Licht, in one photo the woman looks like she’s in her late forties and has a completely different physique and facial structure, while in the other it looks like a much younger woman. Certainly not like one who was a paramedic almost 20 years ago. Unless the Editing one is a very old photo. It is rather heartwarming in a way, just like how Tommy Wiseau raised all the funds for the The Room himself. Its like a Hollywood feelgood story gone horribly horribly wrong.

    But seriously, how are the Tesches funding all this? One is a college professor, and the other is a “gifted illustrator of children’s books” cough cough (can’t find any of her other books anyway). So where are all the funds coming from?

  92. VikingBoyBilly on 12 April 2011, 11:40 said:

    Maybe they have a monthly tugboat, like Chris-Chan? This maradonia thing does feel like the new sonichu craze, now that chris has long given up his beloved yellow hybrid monstrosity.

  93. Prince O' Tea on 12 April 2011, 12:09 said:

    Go Maya! Zap! Zap to the extreme!

    Hopefully we won’t have Big Bertha and Aquamarisha doing lesbian porn for Women’s Rights.

  94. Costanza on 12 April 2011, 15:53 said:

    I can honestly say that Maradonia and the Seven bridges (Or any other shitty electric bugaloos that it has) is the worst book I have ever heard of.

    Eye of Argon is at lest short, and manages to have a semblance of plot structure.

    Twilight is equally pointless, just as nonsensical, and its writing style and characters are horribly pretentious, but………….well, just trust me. it’s not as bad.

    And Eragon, despite it’s cookie-cutter, shallow story and characters, at least manages to have a generic story and a plot.

    Maradonia seriously makes absolutely no sense. Things just happen. It’s like she wrote each individual scene, smacked them together and then took a pretentious asshole pill.

  95. Curly on 12 April 2011, 19:59 said:

    Maradonia seriously makes absolutely no sense. Things just happen. It’s like she wrote each individual scene, smacked them together and then took a pretentious asshole pill.

    Ditto that.

    I don;t really know though Licht, in one photo the woman looks like she’s in her late forties and has a completely different physique and facial structure, while in the other it looks like a much younger woman.

    Yep, the only thing they really have in common are having black hair and being human. And I suppose if we conspiratists are right, she just hoped that would be enough to trick people. Very optimistic, that.

  96. RandomX2 on 12 April 2011, 20:01 said:

    Oh relax on the hate, man.

    Cheers to a series well concluded!

  97. Costanza on 12 April 2011, 20:19 said:

    The hate is merited. She makes a mockery of literature and acts as if she’s God’s gift to Earth.

    If it weren’t for her attitude, like if she was hellbent on improving her writing, then I’d have no problem with her. But that attitude…

  98. Curly on 12 April 2011, 20:55 said:

    I agree. She can’t write AT ALL, yet she insists she is the World’s Youngest Author, which she isn’t. If she could actually try to improve her writing instead of just self publishing all her work and basking in her own cleverness, things would be different. If she does get better and writes a good book, that is actually worth reading and doesn’t have over two thousand mistakes, then all the best to her. But I have gone a bit overboard, Mr Random, and I apologise. The real fault lies with the people around her. If she could just get a bit of contructive critisism, she could actually become a good author. The fact she is being told that she is a literary genius when in fact her writing is of a very low standard gives her no insentive to improve at all. Once she realises this, steps can be taken. But her attitude irritates me, the fact that she believes herself to be God’s gift to the world is not a healthy way to live. If she does improve and drops the smug attitude, then all the good of the world to her. But for this to happen, she needs to be critisised, otherwise she will never improve and that is not good for anyone, including her grwoth as a writer.
    Rant over. If you have perservered through that, congratulations.

  99. Violet Hill on 12 April 2011, 21:19 said:

    ^ Hear hear!

  100. Curly on 12 April 2011, 21:24 said:

    Thanks, Violet Hill. And once again I shall snaffle up the 100th comment. Who said having no life doesn’t pay off? ;)

  101. RandomX2 on 12 April 2011, 21:30 said:

    You are wise beyond your years.

  102. Nate Winchester on 12 April 2011, 21:54 said:

    This is, I believe, the first article to hit over 100 comments, without spam. Or it’s at least one of an elite few.

    Rorschach – congrats. I hope getting through this book was worth it. ;-)

  103. falconempress on 13 April 2011, 03:14 said:

    I have a whole new level of respect for you, sir. Your dedication to your work is admirable, especially considering what you have to read through. This book hurts, it hurts bad and I didnt even read it myself, the only contact with the text itself being your sporks. How you managed to get through it all, I have no idea.

  104. Curly on 13 April 2011, 04:16 said:

    The writing in this book actually reminds me of when I was younger. If I had written a sentence that I thought was too short, I’d just stick a comma on the end of it and start the next sentence, so instead of two short statements I’d have a MEGA ULTRA SENTENCE. Except, I you know, had an imagination and an understanding of the fundamentals of the English Language (May it rest in peace.) This story, well, if a cat walked over a keyboard and produced 800 pages of text, that’s probably superior literature right there.
    Is an example required? Very well. In the blue corner, we have Glo, with this bundle of wisdom

    “I told you already that both of you are different in many ways but both of you are spiritual and you have an inside antenna for the sound of the ‘vibration words’ and the message of light. Maya has a total pure heart and she moves in faith forward. She had found the path of faith already before she heard the voice of Queen Aquamarisha.”
    “And what about me?” Joey asked.
    “Joey, you are a ‘pontifex’!”

    In the red corner, we have my loveable, stylish hands frenzily mashing the keyboard.

    seaiuythewoiauvhhculiaevuWPYBT V[PVA AVRTAQEOTU R [U’ YTN68]\\poyq3\ AERTUOYQJPEO4450704W78V6Y6BW-=4-g7735098bm3=7kb30956k8390it48709gk-3kb7/..35n70,69=3=53=85-9

    My fellow imps, the verdict is yours.

  105. Licht on 13 April 2011, 06:08 said:

    The characters. For me it’s the characters. My favorite characters are N and y!

    cough Without spam is not quite right… cough

    Btw. has anyone ever seen the latter books of her series for real?

  106. LoneWolf on 13 April 2011, 06:12 said:

    I don’t understand how can anyone hate Tesch. Her book and general attitude are very entertaining, though unintentionally. For me, the point of the Tesch phenomena is that it’s funny.

  107. Curly on 13 April 2011, 06:22 said:

    Oi, I wouldn’t call myself a spammer, more an enthusiastic contributor. Now I’m offended. :(
    And I just realised the connection bewtween the word for internet spamming and the food spam. Mmmmmmmmmm, spam. If I am indeed spamming, I am sorry. Full of Sorrow, indeed, sorrowful. My bad, fellas.

  108. BettyCross on 13 April 2011, 08:13 said:

    I don’t understand how can anyone hate Tesch. Her book and general attitude are very entertaining, though unintentionally. For me, the point of the Tesch phenomena is that it’s funny.
    I agree, LoneWolf. It’s hard to hate something this ridiculous.

  109. Curly on 13 April 2011, 08:23 said:

    It’s not really hate, per se, it’s more amused contempt. Well, not really, it’s mostly amusement. :)

  110. Nate Winchester on 13 April 2011, 08:32 said:

    You’re not a spammer, Curly. We sometimes have had spammers hit older articles with a bunch of nonsense comments before. Obviously, we can’t count those for this grand total.

    (110 – on the way to the 200 mark)

  111. Flarehawk on 13 April 2011, 09:01 said:

    1. Choose a type of scene
    If Fight Scene, Step 2
    If Not Fight Scene, Step 6.

    2. Would the fight scene inconvenience the heroes?
    If Yes, Step 3.
    If No, Step 5.

    3. Can you Deus Ex Machina the inconvenience away?
    If Yes, do so. Scene end.
    If no, Step 4.

    4. Turn to a previous chapter. Set up a Chekov’s Gun, context be damned. Return to the scene and have the characters use the gun. Scene end.

    Step 5. The heroes solve the problem instantly with no danger. Nothing happens. Scene end.

    Step 6. Faffing about thinly disguised as exposition. Nothing happens. Scene end.

  112. dragonarya on 13 April 2011, 09:32 said:

    Indeed, it’s amused contempt! It’s what sporking is all about! That, and drinking. I say the only thing the Encouragers have encouraged is alcoholism.

  113. Prince O' Tea on 13 April 2011, 11:53 said:

    I don’t hate Tesch, I find her exploits are like an incredibly entertaining television show. Girl self publishes bad fanfiction type writing that’s almost as bad as My Immortal, hails herself the second coming of JRR Tolkein (and thats her being modest. Normally she refers to her books as the meaning of life.) And then she just keeps going, and going and going…

    I have a lot of pity for her though, and despite her ghastly attitude, I do feel sorry for her, even though she displays no desire to better herself as a writer or address her criticisms. Rebecca Black is getting bile by the millions for Friday, despite the quality of her song not really being her fault, since she had no real creative decisions in the video, song or lyrics besides will you take song a) or song b). Still she is handling the situation with a LOT more maturity then Glow does (or indeed, the jackasses actually responsible for the steaming turd that is Friday. Just google Patrice Wilson to see his “professional behaviour.”

  114. Licht on 13 April 2011, 13:00 said:

    It’s almost like a B-movie that’s so horrible it’s great again.

    I’ve just seen one about a random guy finding a manuscript and selling it as his, without having any idea about writing. He can’t even pronounce some of the words used in that manuscript. But he wants to impress a girl and so he keeps going farther and farther, becomes famous and all that. Until the real author shows up and confronts him.

    Sure, The Gtesch-Show isn’t as well thought out. But there’s potential. Maybe that’s what the Maradonia TM Movie will be about? XD

    And, yes, I’m actually a bit sorry for Gloria, too. I’m always thinking that maybe we’re just getting it wrong and maybe she and her staff made one mistake along the way and everything snowballed… I have no idea. But I would have liked to talk to her about this and that in her books. Never got any reply, though. My questions weren’t even critical.

  115. swenson on 13 April 2011, 14:29 said:

    Flarehawk, that is the greatest guide to writing I have ever read. Sums up about 95% of everything written, doesn’t it?

  116. Prince O' Tea on 13 April 2011, 15:19 said:

    I like to think that if you peel away the layers of snobbery, pretension, delusions of grandeur, smugness, and so on, you’ll find a nice young lady who just wants to tell a story. Though the constant singing of her own praises say otherwise, I do like to think there’s some hope for her. Until then, she can keep us entertained with her hilarious antics and wacky hijinks.

    That’s one way of putting it, Licht! Though for me its like watching a character in a situation comedy. Some girl with atrocious writing abilities churns out a stream of awful books, oblivious or in deep denial of their quality. I can see Gloria being a character in some sort of comedy or cartoon. She is absolutely hilarious, and thats even before you get into things like the sockpuppetry or belief there will soon be a theme park in her honor.

  117. Flarehawk on 13 April 2011, 18:35 said:

    Indeed, Swenson! It gives you that warm feeling to know that someone has, at long last, found the secrets to critical literary acclaim, does it not?

    In all seriousness, I can’t say anything about this book now, because Rorschach has said it all for me (with moderate exceptions). I find it insulting how Tesch pads her book by way of shitty formatting, almost as if cheating. Actually, if books were judged in the world by quantity > quality, Tesch could be a shoe-in for a #1 slot.

    Grievance against the timeframe shit still stands. In the time it took me to write this comment, major shit would have gone down in Maradurria (repeat joke fail).

    I do get your angle there, Prince. She does want to get a story told (as you do when writing fantasy), but ended up using such ass-backwards methods of doing so (bigging herself up in-universe by saying Maya and Unlikable Jackass’s story will be more awesome than Jesus and allegedly assaulting someone notwithstanding) that she comes across as a general ass. Maybe she’s in it for the infamy of causing an internet shitstorm. Hell, maybe she was trying to write a novel, but took “How NOT To Write A Novel” by face value instead of realising it was a “DON’T DO THIS” kind of book?

    Maybe I’m just grasping at invisible straws here, though. Maybe she truly is just a teenage girl with ego issues.

  118. Prince O' Tea on 13 April 2011, 18:56 said:

    I think she’s got issues of some way or another. I blame the parents who coddle their daughter’s every whim, and seem to be unable to realize that they are doing her far greater harm by cranking out this work before it is ready, and then fill her head with praise. They are setting her up for ridicule, and are not allowing her to redeem herself and write something better (she does have potential after all, as does anyone who wants to tell a story and is willing to put some time into it.) She is a spoilt brat, but its her parents who are to blame. They are adults and should know better then this. One of them is a university professor (of what, I would like to know.)

    Mind you, the Tesches clearly have similar levels of delusion, if her mother’s drawings are anything to go by. the mother is referred to as a “gifted illustrator of children’s books.” Sorry lady, no cigar. I could start a list of the most atrocious drawings in the book (such as Maya suddenly sprouting dark hair and a jay leno chin, or the eagle covered with eyes, or the cover of Escape to the Underworld) but there aren’t enough hours in the day.

    Still, I will give Gloria some sympathy. While she does not deserve it at the moment, she should be given a chance if she chooses to take a slice of humble pie, smell the coffee, or even take some of Joey’s more plausible fortune cookie wisdom. None of this whole “only haters give critcism so block them out” malarky.

  119. Flarehawk on 13 April 2011, 19:14 said:

    Joey having wisdom of any kind would be news to me.

    She seems dead-set on making it look like everyone who has seen Maradonia loves the shit out of it, if her actions over on Youtube are anything to go by. Tesch needed an editor and to get the cotton wool out of her ears before she dumped this into the world. With more practice and humility, she could produce something that was worth a damn. Anyone with the resolve to write 800 pages (albeit a shoddily edited and margins the size of the moon 800 pages) is doing something right, even if on a miniscule scale. She technically has talent, in the same way a large amount of carbon atoms is technically a diamond. She could have made something that didn’t hit the radar of every troll in the western world, if she’d waited a while and put her brick of a book through the compressor first.

    She set out to make an epic and came back with a glorified doorstopper, and her adamant refusal to accept this is what could be the most saddening.

  120. Curly on 13 April 2011, 22:18 said:

    she does have potential after all, as does anyone who wants to tell a story and is willing to put some time into it

    Oh my god, I just realised she has put hundreds of hours into these stories, thinking that they are good. That is actually really, really depressing. I actually feel a bit sorry for her now.

  121. Curly on 13 April 2011, 22:20 said:

    Oh and while I’m here:
    I more or less completely agree with the comments above
    and Flarehawk, I’m loving it. Cool name too, by the way.

  122. Prince O' Tea on 13 April 2011, 23:23 said:

    Well, considering the rate he spits out ridiculous proverbs and advice, at least one or two of them are going to be “Okay, that kind of makes sense.” If you are feeling a bit generous.

    Even worse than that Curly, her parents let her drop out of school so she would have more time to write them. Maradonia is even more of a guilty pleasure when you consider that. Still its like reading a particually biting satire of fanfiction, or a rather dark little comedy. I feel sorry for her, but at the same time, she is one of the most entertaining personalities ever. I can easily imagine her being a fan favorite character on something like Absolutely Fabulous or Black Books.

  123. Prince O' Tea on 13 April 2011, 23:32 said:

    Speaking of which, who would play who in Maradonia: DA MOOVIE?
    Off the top of my head:
    Dr Gerry Tesch: Tommy Wiseau (naturally)

    Leah Dellaire: Jonna Lumley “I can totally imagine her saying: “Herding cats with aplomb, darling.” She will be puffing away and drinking herself into a stupor, oblivious to the literary horrors her name is being shackled to..

    But who would play our darling little Glo? And her artistically challenged ma-ma?

  124. Flarehawk on 14 April 2011, 02:09 said:

    @Curly
    Meh, my usual internet handle probably wouldn’t work here.
    It involves numbers and a ritualistic sacrifice to Cthulhu.

  125. swenson on 14 April 2011, 11:41 said:

    You know what I’m gradually coming to realize? I’m starting to develop a strange sort of fondness for these awful, awful books. Not in the “I can overlook the writing and formatting and self-centered attitude” way, but in the “aww, isn’t that sweet” sort of way you react to a little kid who drew you a random scribble that’s apparently you. Or at least I just like Bertha and Hoppy. Bertha because she’s pretty much the Only Sane Man Bird and Hoppy purely because of “Food effect’s your mood!”

  126. Licht on 15 April 2011, 21:57 said:

    What about… (no, not poison) that dog whose name I forgot?

    btw. what happened to viagra dove and the eye thingy?

  127. Prince O' Tea on 20 April 2011, 08:42 said:

    He died. Because of poison! Believe it or not.

    So there you go. Poison. What about it? It kills golden retrievers, because Maya Sue is too busy being important to notice her “beloved” pet dog slurping up poisoned wine at her foot.

  128. Licht on 21 April 2011, 02:11 said:

    Well, at least he wasn’t trampled by unicorns.

  129. Golgi Apparatus on 21 January 2012, 15:11 said:

    I really enjoyed reading this; well done, Rorschach.

  130. M on 3 February 2013, 22:50 said:

    I know you wrote this a couple of years ago, but I wanted to say it’s brilliant.