Chapter Eighty-Five – Awanata

They’re at the lagoon. Tesch spends some time describing enormous corals that grow in the lagoon.

“The mermaids had told me that nobody really knows what these coral circles were used for, but they said that it might be some kind of temples for worshipping the sun, with big flat altars in the middle of the circles.” (page 738)

That seems oddly specific for something they admittedly know nothing about.

Joey asks why Maya has never told him about this before. Maya says that she has, but he never paid attention. She goes on to say that the mermaids told her a lot of their history. I don’t recall that ever happening. Just to be certain, I flipped back in the book and re-read chapter thirty-one, where Maya is frolicking with the mermaids. Absolutely no mention of any of this. Nor has she ever tried to tell Joey about it.

Maya continues to tell Joey about the perfect rings of coral:

“It seems that they had been carefully placed by astronomical orders and secret knowledge.”

“You sound like a scientist but man… this is cool. ‘The corals are carefully placed… by astronomical orders and secret knowledge’? I don’t know what that means but it sounds awesome!” (page 739)

I’ll let you write your own response to this quote, shall I?

Maya spends another two pages relating mermaid history. There’s an amusing bit about how they would test accused sorcerers and witches by having them wash themselves in moonlight, smear holy oil on their heads, and then stand in front of the coral. If the coral shook, it meant they were guilty and were executed on the spot. I have no idea if this will ever become relevant to the plot, and I suspect it won’t, but I’m holding out hope that Maya and Joey will be accused of witchcraft because of their Deus Ex Machina hats and be executed.

After another page some mermaids show up. And they’ve brought a gift – a couple of seashells. Queen Aquamarisha explains that the shells contain enough air to keep them alive for a very long time underwater. All they need to do is keep some heavy rocks in their pockets to weigh them down. Um. Okay. How, exactly, are they pressurizing the air inside these shells? Shells that, unless I’m mistaken, are not designed to have pressurized air inside them? How are they keeping the pressurized air from just coming out, especially since there isn’t even a mouthpiece for this thing? They just hold the shell up to their mouths and it magically gives them oxygen. I guess that is the explanation – Magic™.

So the Encouragers grab their shells and head into the lagoon. Maya hangs on to Queen Aquamarisha, and she notices that Joey puts his arm around Morgana, the mermaid who has the hots for him [!].

They swim around. It’s not interesting. The underwater city is about 150 feet down. Aquamarisha explains there are dangerous animals around, but they’re safe with their dolphin bodyguards. I wonder how Maya and Joey understand her, considering she’s talking underwater.

Joey asks where all the mermen are. Aquamarisha explains that the mermen only come by twice a year for a couple of parties:

“The ‘Odin October Fest’ is a wild festivity because the ‘Odin Fruits’ in the underwater fruit gardens are ripe. And… when the mermen and the mermaids eat too many of them it gets real wild around here.” (page 746)

If you know what I mean. Maybe next book we’ll get to see one of those wild mermaid orgies. Incidentally, I find it a little odd that the mermaids just happen to have a month called October. Weird, huh?

Anyway, apparently the mermen are lazy and loners and basically goof off all year while the mermaids run the show and protect themselves from wild creatures and fishermen who come and try to capture mermaids to sell them to water parks and aquariums.

Um. Okay. Isn’t this…I dunno, illegal? Maradonia isn’t really that big of a continent, and most of it seems to ruled by Genarius, who respects the mermaids and recognizes them as sentient beings, and the rest is pretty much ruled by Apollyon, who likes the unicorns and at the very least would probably prevent them from being to sold to anyone but him.

Aquamarisha explains that when they see the fisherman, they grab their equipment, disable the rudder of the ship, drill holes into the bottom, and sink it. She then points out the eighty-nine boats that are lying on the bottom of the lagoon. You’d think that would be enough to tip people off that they shouldn’t try to fuck with the mermaids, but apparently not. Because, by a truly amazing coincidence, a fishing boat comes along just then.

Maya and Joey watch as the mermaids do a number on the boat and it starts to sink. The fishermen pile into lifeboats, but Aquamarisha isn’t having any of that. She orders the mermaids to finish them. Except this is Tesch, so it’s actually ‘Finish Them’.

“Finish them?” repeated Maya, “My sweet, little mermaids… oh no… you cannot do something like that.” (page 751).

I don’t think it ever crossed Tesch’s mind that Maya is a teenager talking to adults here.

Aquamarisha correctly points out that if they let the fishermen go, they’d just come back with three ships the next time. The mermaids sink the lifeboats and the sea monsters show up and make mincemeat out of the fishermen in a gruesome and bloody scene that I desperately hope makes it into the movie.

Maya feels bad for the fishermen. I feel no sympathy. They’re kidnappers and slave traders, that’s what they are, and they deserved a watery grave filled with razor-sharp teeth.

Joey says they live in a rather unforgiving world and he’s not sure how they’ll practice the last words of AstroJesus, which were to love their enemies and bless the people who cursed them.

Maya and Joey head back to shore and spent the night with the unicorns, probably soaking wet because they walked into the ocean with all their clothes on.

The next morning nothing happens for awhile. Then a bunch of their men show up. Although only 120 out of the original 317 appear. I really have no idea why these men are suddenly Maya and Joey’s men, or why they’re here with them considering that Maya and Joey are planning on heading back to their own world, but logic really isn’t one of Tesch’s strong suits.

Imperator tells Joey that he has the hots for Fayina. Um. Okay. Unicorn love?

They get ready to leave. Maya meets Morgana and tells her that she thinks Joey is in love with her. That’s terribly romantic. Interspecies love between a mermaid woman and a fourteen-year-old boy. Surprisingly, Tesch actually addresses this. Morgana calls Joey a very handsome man and Maya jumps in and points out that he’s really only a boy. And then we get this gem:

“Who cares….I see him as a man. I see him strong. I see him powerful. He has saved me from the hands of Apollyon and that is all what matters. I owe him and I love Joey dearly and I hope he will never ever leave the lagoon!”

Maya rolled her eyes, “Wait, wait, wait…Morgana… Please!”

“He is my man… Maya, I feel it and knowing now that he loves me I will wait for him forever.” (page 758)

Why did the song Crazy Bitch just come to mind?

Morgana comes back with a pearl necklace with a tiger shark tooth on it. She asks Joey to kneel down [!!!] and look into her eyes [!] because she has a confession to make. Joey doesn’t get it. Morgana explains that she’s in love with Joey. Joey asks Maya what she told Morgana. Maya explains that she thought Morgana should know what Joey’s feelings were. That gossipy bitch. Anyway, Maya tells him to give Morgana a hug and a kiss [!!].

Joey sank into Morgana’s arms and she fell into his arms. She was holding Joey with her strong arms around his neck and kissed him on his cheek.

It seemed that both of them forgot who they were and where they were because they did not stop hugging and kissing each other until Maya said, “That’s enough! We have to go!”

Joey looked at his pearl necklace. “They are so cool!” (pages 759-760)

Propriety forbids me from making any jokes about pearl necklaces – dammit.

Morgana wants to take Joey out and show him an oyster reef, but Joey says he can’t swim that far out. Morgana says he can ride on her back [!!!]. Okay, seriously, Tesch?

Finally they leave. Maya says that she thinks Morgana really likes him. No shit, Sherlock. What tipped you off, the pearl necklace or the ten minutes of making out?

Joey nodded but said with a heavy heart, “Yes…I like her too but the meaning pearls is always a symbol for tears.” (page 761)

The quote is in italics and a huge font, so you know that Tesch is trying for some Subtle Foreshadowing here. Also, pearls symbolize tears? Not according to Google, they don’t.

Drinks: 80

Chapter Eighty-Six – A Magical Hand

Everyone rides along towards the Nissan Falls. Some ravens are stalking them, but Joey doesn’t notice them, of course, because he’s thinking about the beautiful ride on Morgana’s back. Seriously. Not making that up.

It starts raining. There’s some vague talk about how maybe Apollyon conjured up the storm. The raindrops are as big as golf balls. I’m pretty sure that’s not physically possible. Then it stops raining. Everyone dries out. Well that was exciting.

We cut back to Bertha and her sisters, who have arrived back at Apollyon’s pad. Apollyon rants and raves about how he feels, but it can be distilled down to one quote:

“I am so angry about this whole situation.” (page 766)

He calls Maya and Joey ‘Monster Creepers’ and says that he’s had enough and needs to kill them himself. I concur. You know what might have been a good idea, Apollyon? Killing them back when you had their city completely surrounded and had just reduced a tenth of it to rubble.

Abbadon says that the Encouragers must have special powers to have survived for so long. He suspects they have something which makes them invisible. Apollyon and Abbadon walk around and talk and decide that yes, Maya and Joey must indeed have something that makes them invisible. Apollyon orders Abbadon to finish them off, because that worked so well last time. Abbadon heads off, finds Bertha, and orders her to recruit more ravens. How having more ravens will help them, I don’t know. As we know, it’s very easy for Joey to set birds on fire.

Then the chapter ends. So I don’t really know what the magical hand was referring to.

Drinks: 27

Chapter Eigty-Seven – A Mushroom Cloud

Oh shit.

And yeah – it’s misspelled as Eigty instead of Eighty.

Genarius and Ruchi are chilling and talking. Their dialogue is laced with double entendres.

“My dear… if General Felipe would know what kind of powerful equipment Joey has in his backpack… Maya and Joey would never arrive anywhere!”

“My love.. I don’t know what you are talking about and I am not too interested in anybody’s equipment” (page 771).

Good lord.

I mean, yeah this might have flown over a 13-year-old Gloria’s head, but surely one of her editors noticed this? Her parents? Anyone?

Apparently Ruchi’s girlfriends are talking about gold in their letters. Genarius realizes they need to follow the money. Genarius finally explains to Ruchi that Felipe’s a traitor. They spend some time arguing about how much a talent of gold weighs. Genarius says it’s ninety-one pounds, which doesn’t sound like any talents Earth has ever had, but whatever.

Ruchi tells Genarius he needs to get his shit together and start using his Tarnkappe and Henrietta’s Miracle Mirror to spy on people. She even has one of Tesch’s witty little maxims to throw in there:

“Sometimes… my great king… if you have to watch the dogs, you have to lay down with the dogs, even if you will pick up some fleas.” (page 774)

We cut back to Maya and Joey. They arrive at the Valley of Imma and party it up for three days. It’s not very interesting. Eventually Joey gets sick of it and says he’s going to go find an empty field and put the Key to the Underworld out into the sunshine. And…that’s all. No explanation of why he would do something that nonsensical and fucking retarded.

The ravens are watching them. They see Joey waltz off and follow him and see him pull Defender out. It starts glowing. The ravens realize it’s the Key. So they swoop down to see if they can steel the key. Yeah. Steel, not steal. But Joey realizes there’s some ravens swooping at him so he hits the button…and sets the entire goddamn forest on fire for a second time. And…he doesn’t even manage to kill a single one of the ravens.

Give me a second.

chugs bottle

Okay, I’m back. Let me get this straight. Some ravens are flying at you. They’re ravens. They’re birds. You have a sword. You can pull your sword out and chop them into bits, easily. Hell, you could kill them with your bare hands… they aren’t that big. Instead, you pull out a fucking flamethrower and proceed to incinerate an entire forest…and you can’t even hit a single fucking raven?

So some villagers and Maya come and find Joey sitting on a rock.

Maya said, “I don’t believe it! Joey…You did it again!” (page 778)

Yes. Yes he did. This is why you shouldn’t given idiotic fourteen-year-olds incredibly powerful weapons.

Joey explains that it was an accident. Not an excuse. But, uh…

Joey was not really unhappy about the ‘wild fire’ because he wanted to find out if the key to the underworld was still working (page 779).

If someone put me in a room with Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, and Joey, and gave me a gun with two bullets in it, I’d shoot Joey in both kneecaps and then beat him to death with the butt of the gun. That’s how much I hate this little shit.

Anyway. Sagitta shows up and they get on her back.

Drinks: 44

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Comment

  1. Ridureyu on 6 April 2011, 02:33 said:

    From now on, whenever I do anything, I’ll tell people that it’s “carefully placed by astronomical orders and secret knowledge.”

  2. Licht on 6 April 2011, 03:08 said:

    Odin October Fe-… NO.
    Just.
    No.
    Great. Now I imagine they serve little Brezn (pretzels) formed like hammers and raven.
    Get your hands off a culture you don’t understand Gtesch <.<

    But wait… is that a sexual reference as in “forbidden fruit” and “sex is evil”?

    How do mermaids even… naa… I don’t want to know.

    “My sweet little mermai-” … no…

    “I am so angry about this whole situation.” (page 766)

    THIS. Needs to be a shirt.

    Also, somehow Gtesch’s idea of what’s right and wrong seems to be a bit… off track?

  3. Licht on 6 April 2011, 03:19 said:

    To be fair, though.
    There is a legend about a princess crying pearls instead of tears. And in Persian myths, for example, pearls are associated with tears, as well. They’re tears of gods.
    So on.
    Pearls bringing tears, in fact, is a quite popular superstition.

    What Gtesch got wrong there is “always”.

  4. LoneWolf on 6 April 2011, 04:01 said:

    Wait. The chapter title promises us a mushroom cloud. Where’s the mushroom cloud?

  5. Rorschach on 6 April 2011, 04:15 said:

    I’m pretty sure the mushroom cloud was supposed to be Joey setting the forest on fire. Apparently in Maradonia, a forest fire gives off mushroom clouds.

  6. Licht on 6 April 2011, 08:02 said:

    @Rorschach: That explains A LOT.
    http://www.huber-verlag.de/daten/newspool/image/4324/4324_1original.jpg

  7. VikingBoyBilly on 6 April 2011, 09:42 said:

    Only 3 chapters left! We’re so close!
    Yet it doesnt seem like nearly enough nonsensical plot elements have been wrapped up before Maya and Joey should be heading home.

  8. BettyCross on 6 April 2011, 11:11 said:

    How do mermaids even… naa… I don’t want to know

    They have a triangular patch of scaly skin that they can pull upwards and out of the way when they’re ahem ready to go.

  9. Asahel on 6 April 2011, 11:52 said:

    How do mermaids even… naa… I don’t want to know.

    I picture the exchange between Joey and the mermaid going very much the way it did between Frye and the mermaid:

    Joey: “How do I even…?”
    Mermaid: “I’m not your first, am I? I lay my eggs and then leave the room. Then you fertilize them.”

    Moments later, Joey runs away saying, “Why couldn’t she be the other kind of mermaid with the fish part on top and the lady part on bottom?”

  10. Danielle on 6 April 2011, 13:46 said:

    I think it’s time for another CD!

    Artist: Apollyon’s Club of Evil (ACOE)
    Title: Mushroom Cloud
    Genre: Death metal/ Hip-hop/ Bulgarian techno
    1. Eigty-Seven
    2. Shaking Coral Circles
    3. I Don’t Know What That Means (But It Sounds Awesome)
    4. Odin October Fest
    5. Odin Fruits (It Gets Real Wild)
    6. Finish Them (feat. Mermaids)
    7. I See Him Strong (feat. Morgana and Joey)
    8. A Magical Hand
    9. Powerful Equipment (feat. Ruchi)
    10. Ninety-One Pounds (Our First Fight)
    11. Pick Up Some Fleas
    12. Joey (You Did It Again)

  11. BettyCross on 6 April 2011, 14:28 said:

    I also felt deceived by the mushroom cloud. It got me hoping King Apollyon was about to just haul off and nuke everybody. Now that would be evil.

  12. swenson on 6 April 2011, 14:52 said:

    Yeah, I was rooting for Teh Badd Guiz to pull out a nuclear bomb. They’re aliens, after all, aren’t they? Wait, no, I mean they aren’t aliens at all, clearly they are not, why would I ever think such a thing, it’s not like there’s been ridiculously obvious foreshadowing about it the entire time.

    Actually, considering that this is Gtesch we’re talking about, I wouldn’t be surprised if they turn out to actually not be aliens, and her constant remarks to that effect were simply for no reason whatsoever.

    On other things… yet another great CD by ACOE! I really enjoyed their previous albums and I was pleased to not be surprised by their latest effort. In particular, I very much enjoyed the rad techno beat of Shaking Coral Circles and the complex vocals of Powerful Equipment. If Ruchi ever decides to strike out on her own, I think she could do quite well with solo albums.

    And on the chapters themselves: OK, all of the innuendo in this thing can not be accidental, can it? There’s just SO MUCH of it! I know some of the stuff I wrote when I was younger likely could come across in this way, but there’s just too much in this book for me to be able to rationalize it like that. Also, I need to start keeping a list of the best Maradonia lines. “But what about poison?” is going to be on there, along with “carefully placed by astronomical orders and secret knowledge.” It’ll be the new “for science!” I should also keep a book of Gtesch’s best witticisms and bits of advice. I’ll entitle it Compiled Wisdom and make millions.

  13. Costanza on 6 April 2011, 15:24 said:

    This book is annoying.

    And the whole Morgana/Joey crap just sounds like Tesch trying to write smut to sexify her home schooled, boyfriend free existence.

    Not to mention it’s stupid, has no build-up and comes out of nowhere. Perfectly symbolic for this shitstain of a story.

  14. Costanza on 6 April 2011, 15:32 said:

    Oh, and does anybody remember when at the beginning of the book, it was revealed how Maya was a ‘black belt in karate’ and made Alana Terrace! ‘red like a lobster’? And now Joey was such a masterful fucking artist that the government praised his little finger paintings?

    Will any of those two things ever be brought up again, or has Tesch forgotten them?

    And what the hell is the point of Sagitta!? And whatever happened to that Thor rip-off guy? And Hoppy was a totally pointless character! And so is Morgana, Lady Ruchi, Felipe and all those other little shits…

    I can no longer use age to justify her shortcomings. A 13-year old should make her characters at least sound like 13-year olds. Not five year olds.

    And why the hell does the big bad guy call Maya and Joey ‘little creepers’? Is Tesch trying to make him sound like a moron, parody her own book, or does she actually think that that’s a totalee evul thing to say?

  15. Requiem on 6 April 2011, 16:06 said:

    This plot is trash and cliche
    The characters have no depth and are unsympathetic psychopaths with no understanding of how people actually talk.
    The sentient creatures are just there to be a copy off C.S. Lewis novels.
    I’m not even sure if this story follows the five elements of story telling.
    AND it’s being made into a movie? I think i’ve lost all faith in humanity…again.

  16. Asahel on 6 April 2011, 16:47 said:

    Yeah, I was rooting for Teh Badd Guiz to pull out a nuclear bomb. They’re aliens, after all, aren’t they? Wait, no, I mean they aren’t aliens at all, clearly they are not, why would I ever think such a thing, it’s not like there’s been ridiculously obvious foreshadowing about it the entire time.

    I may have the explanation for this. For a long time, people have been coming up with stories of being abducted by strange creatures. These were usually chalked up to demons, faeries, and witches until the modern age brought us the new popular scapegoat: aliens. Well, of course, UFO theorists go back and say that the previous abductions weren’t demons, faeries, etc. but were aliens all along. On the opposite side of that, there was a theory somewhat popular in religious circles that the UFO theorists have it backwards and current “alien” abductions are still attributable to demonic activity.

    It seems to me that Tesch buys into the theory that people are mistaking demons for aliens and put it in her story.

    I could be wrong, though.

  17. swenson on 6 April 2011, 18:04 said:

    Ahhh, you know, that makes a lot of sense, actually, Asahel.

  18. LordBobBree on 6 April 2011, 18:12 said:

    “She orders the mermaids to finish them. Except this is Tesch, so it’s actually ‘Finish Them’.”

    Followed, appropriately enough, by a gory Fatality.

  19. Prince o' Tea on 6 April 2011, 20:49 said:

    Thats a mushroom cloud? Seriously? I thought it was a piece of broccoli balancing on top of a wad of used chewing gum.

  20. Costanza on 6 April 2011, 21:20 said:

    Wait….didn’t Abaddon die while fighting AstroJesus?

  21. Talisman on 6 April 2011, 21:22 said:

    So the Encouragers grab their shells and head into the lagoon. Maya hangs on to Queen Aquamarisha, and she notices that Joey puts his arm around Morgana, the unicorn who has the hots for him [!].

    Dear God, I hope that was a typo.

    I have to say, Mushroom Cloud was a lot better than their first album, Mother Earth Songs. ACOE have really developed since those early days. Maybe Abaddon leaving the band, recording an album with “King” Astrodolous, then breaking up with him and rejoining ACOE was for the best after all.

    In other news, this sporking is freaking hilarious.

  22. Kilgore on 6 April 2011, 21:40 said:

    I dunno.

    I mean Mushroom Cloud was okay, but ever since Abbadon replaced the original line-up . . . it’s just not the same you know? They’re not bad but it’s not really ACOE it’s more like Abbadon’s solo band that he calls ACOE and his voice is really different too.

    And it took them what? Eight years to get the Album out?

    I heard that the original line-up’s going to start their and since Slutty Mermaid’s breaking up Maya will be lead singer.

    In other news:

    Rorschach you have guts, that stuff’s funny to read but extremely painful as well.

  23. Rorschach on 6 April 2011, 21:43 said:

    So the Encouragers grab their shells and head into the lagoon. Maya hangs on to Queen Aquamarisha, and she notices that Joey puts his arm around Morgana, the unicorn who has the hots for him [!].

    Dear God, I hope that was a typo.

    Dammit. It’s fixed now.

  24. LoneWolf on 7 April 2011, 06:51 said:

    “Wait….didn’t Abaddon die while fighting AstroJesus?”

    Apollyon resurrected him a couple of chapters later.

  25. Prince o' Tea on 7 April 2011, 08:44 said:

    Apollyon has a lot of phoenix downs. You know, since the unicorns and mermaids escaped, all he has is phoenixes left in his Zoo of Evil.

  26. Prince o' Tea on 7 April 2011, 08:44 said:

    Apollyon has a lot of phoenix downs. You know, since the unicorns and mermaids escaped, all he has is phoenixes left in his Zoo of Evil.

  27. Prince o' Tea on 7 April 2011, 08:46 said:

    Whoops. Stupid computor! I guess I’m one of those “video gamers” Gloria Tesch complains of. Herp a f***ing derp.

  28. Sahgo on 7 April 2011, 12:03 said:

    The… “romance” creeps me out. Deeply. Not just because of the interspecial thing, but… the casual way in which it’s treated. Though I think she copied that from Lewis as well (coughcoughCaspiancoughcoughstargirlcough)

  29. Costanza on 7 April 2011, 14:46 said:

    Bringing a character back to life is the ultimate sign of abysmal storytelling and Deus ex Machina.

    I hate Gloria Tesch.

  30. aberrant on 7 April 2011, 14:52 said:

    I just discovered this spork series and caught up to here in the last few minutes. There are no words to describe this “literary” offering – and none either to describe the will of the reviewer for being able to endure it this far.

    I propose starting a compensation fund for the poor guy’s steady supply of drinks that has kept his sanity afloat thus far.

  31. LoneWolf on 7 April 2011, 15:00 said:

    I find the way Genarius and Ruichi talk to each other to be kinda creepy. “My precious… My precious…”

  32. Deborah on 7 April 2011, 15:56 said:

    Joey and the mermaid. . .
    Ewwwwwwwww!

  33. Leafbreeze on 7 April 2011, 16:22 said:

    That’s a mushroom cloud?

    I thought it was a tree or piece of broccoli impaled on a rock spire.

  34. ZeeZee on 7 April 2011, 16:24 said:

    Joey and the mermaid. . .
    Ewwwwwwwww!

    That was exactly my reaction. Isn’t he like, 14 years old? I need brain bleach.

  35. Licht on 7 April 2011, 17:34 said:

    Aliens in flying sauc- broccoli. O.O
    It isn’t a mushroom cloud! It’s a space ship!

  36. swenson on 7 April 2011, 22:43 said:

    When I first saw it, I thought it was a deformed tree. Like something from Avatar, only with a tumor.

  37. Curly on 8 April 2011, 05:49 said:

    You sound like a scientist

    No you don’t. Scientists know what they’re f*cking talking about.

  38. Curly on 8 April 2011, 07:43 said:

    Sorry about the double post, but from my meagre understanding of physics and common sense, a mushroom cloud shouldn’t look like a tree resting precariously (right context: ha take that tesch’s movie team!) on a pole, also, is the bottom part going into a hole in the mushroom cloud or merging with it? Either way, it looks ridiculous. Aaaah, the wonders of the mind of a kid. And if her mum draws this, at she should know better anyway.

    I can no longer use age to justify her shortcomings. A 13-year old should make her characters at least sound like 13-year olds. Not five year olds.

    Right with you Costanza; I am fairly sure I could write better than this when I was eight.

  39. fffan on 9 April 2011, 02:29 said:

    I don’t know what that means

    I like imagining that Joey is actually saying this over and over when he’s reading the synopsis of this book.

    I don’t know what you are talking about

    I like to imagine this line coming from the mouths of people who are questioned after writing positive reviews for this book under various aliases. (E.g “What do you know about the sincerity of the positive reviews on Amazon.com?” “I – I don’t know what you’re talking about. You can’t pin anything on me!”)

    I am so angry about this whole situation.

    Actually, that’s what I’m saying right now. Ah well, at least she’s not famous.

    Hilarious spork, by the way.

  40. Curly on 9 April 2011, 03:35 said:

    You know what, I’ve come to the conclusion that the ‘fact’ that this book had two editors must have been a lie spread by Tesch to make her book look professional. Any literate human being with a vague grasp of the english language knows on sight that eighty is not spelt eigty, forty is not spelt fourty and sentences like this:

    “It seems that they had been carefully placed by astronomical orders and secret knowledge.”

    and this

    “Who cares….I see him as a man. I see him strong. I see him powerful. He has saved me from the hands of Apollyon and that is all what matters. I owe him and I love Joey dearly and I hope he will never ever leave the lagoon!”

    Aren’t … good

  41. Zoot on 9 April 2011, 12:27 said:

    From the hilarious book trailer:

    My favourite characters are maya and joey, you fall in love with them you can’t help it! :D

  42. Prince O' Tea on 10 April 2011, 16:03 said:

    I googled Leah Dellaire, and not much joy. I googled Leah Dellaire and Editing 911 and a very… handsome woman, shall we say came up. I still can’t find any evidence of this illustrious editing company, so its clearly made up by the Tesches. After all Leah Dellaire is clearly Gloria’s favourite sockpuppet, as the former seems to make all the same lofty claims, spelling errors, grammar failures and general speech pattern as Gloria does. Remember the state senator who praised Joey for drawing a picture of a bridge? His “Joey OMG u r so speshul, yes!” yack sounds like half the reviews on Maradonia.com

  43. Rorschach on 10 April 2011, 16:13 said:

    It’s Dallaire, and as far as I can tell she’s a real person:

    http://911editing.org/default.aspx

  44. falconempress on 13 April 2011, 03:00 said:

    @Danielle – that is made of win. Where can I get that CD because I want to listen to it right now!

    “You sound like a scientist but man… this is cool. ‘The corals are carefully placed… by astronomical orders and secret knowledge’? I don’t know what that means but it sounds awesome!” (page 739)

    I’ll let you write your own response to this quote, shall I?

    Mkay, lets see…as opposed to that last sentence, which just sounds fucking retarded.

    Odin Oktorber October Fest. Okay, now I have seen it all.

    While I am not the one who has too much of an issue with interspecies relationships in fantasy, the whole Joey/Morgana thing is just…ew. And she is just a bit too much on the weird side for me. I keep waiting for her to drag him underwater and hold him there until he downs because that way, nobody will have him but her, down in the deep, for ever and ever and ever!

    And Joey does deserve to be burned alive, the little pyromaniac shit.

  45. Curly on 13 April 2011, 04:09 said:

    And Joey does deserve to be burned alive, the little pyromaniac shit

    O_O




    Does it make me a bad person if I agree with this?

    “Who cares….I see him as a man. I see him strong. I see him powerful. He has saved me from the hands of Apollyon and that is all what matters. I owe him and I love Joey dearly and I hope he will never ever leave the lagoon!”

    Am I the only one imaging a 13 year old typing this and getting very, very scared?

  46. Flarehawk on 15 April 2011, 12:53 said:

    “Does it make me a bad person if I agree with this?”

    Not at all. It’d make you a bad person if you disagreed, though.